Praise for

THE SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOg

PatV
PeoplesV
isV
theV
protagonistV
andV
theV
narratorV
of TheV
Silver
Linings Playbook.V
IV
found himV
compellingV
andV
fascinating,V
and
IV
foundV
myselfV
notV
onlyV
caringV
aboutV
himV
butV
rootingV
forV
him
unashamedly,V
which,V
forV
anV
author,V
is,V
IV
believe,V
whatV
they
meanV
byV
scoringV
aV
tourV
deV
force.V
PatV
PeoplesV
authorV
is
MatthewV
Quick.V
ThisV
isV
hisV
debutV
novelV
and,V
asV
the
professionalsV
likeV
toV
say,V
itV
suggestsV
promisingV
promiseV

FromV
theV
beer-soakedV
bacchanalianV
tailgatingV
toV
theV
black
holes of despair into which Iggles fans plunge themselves after
a defeat, Quick is dead-on..
BILL LYON, The Philadelphia InquireQ
[A]V
touchingV
andV
funnyV
debutV
V
[This]V
o..beatV
storyV
hasV
all
the markings of a crowd-pleaser.V
Publishers Weeklq
MatthewV
QuickV
hasV
createdV
quiteV
theV
heartbreakerV
ofV
aV
novel
in The Silver Linings Playbook..
Kirkus ReviewT
[A] plucky debut Quick fills the pages with so much absurd
witV
andV
trueV
feelingV
thatV
itsV
impossibleV
notV
toV
cheerV
forV
his
unlikely hero..
ALLISON LYNN, PeoplU
MatthewV
QuickV
isV
aV
naturalV
storyteller,V
andV
his SilverV
Linings
Playbookhonest,V
wise,V
andV
compassionateisV
aV
storyV
that
carries the reader along on a gust of optimism. Without shying
awayV
fromV
theV
di..cultiesV
ofV
domesticV
life,V
itV
chartsV
aV
route
pastV
thoseV
challengesV
andV
leavesV
usV
withV
aV
lingeringV
senseV
of
hope.V
MoreV
thanV
aV
promisingV
debutV
orV
anV
inspiringV
loveV
storyx
j
Q
pQ
Q
j
Q
p
rq
this novel offers us the gift of healing..
ROLAND MERULLO, author of In Revere, in Those DayT
EntertainingV
andV
heartfeltV
andV
authentic, TheV
SilverV
Linings
Playbook magicallyV
binds togetherV
love, madness,V
Philadelphia
EaglesV
football,V
faith,V
family,V
andV
hard-earnedV
hopeV
inV
aV
story
thatV
isV
bothV
profoundV
andV
wonderfullyV
beguiling.V
ThisV
isV
a
splendid novel, written by a big-time talent..
MARTIN CLARK, author of The Many Aspects of
Mobile Home Living and The Legal Limii
Matthew Quick
THE SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOh
InS
theS
sixS
monthsS
thatS
followedS
hisS
leavingS
teachingS
andS
the
PhiladelphiaS
area,S
MatthewS
QuickS
..oatedS
downS
theS
Peruvian
Amazon,S
backpackedS
aroundS
southernS
Africa,S
hikedS
toS
the
bottomS
ofS
aS
snowyS
GrandS
Canyon,S
soul-searched,S
andS
..nall
began writing full-time1
QuickS
earnedS
hisS
M.F.A.S
inS
creativeS
writingS
atS
Goddard
College. He hasS
sinceS
returned to the PhiladelphiaS
area, where
he lives with his wife and their greyhound1
ALSO BY MATTHEW QUICQ
Sorta Like a Rock StaS
ThV
SILVER LININGW
PLAYBOOe
Matthew Quicn
SARAH CRICHTON BOOKW
FARRAR, STRAUS AND GIROUu
NEW YORe
SARAH CRICHTON BOOKS
Farrar, Straus and Giroux
18 West 18th Street, New York 1001l
Copyright .
2008 by '
atthew Quick
All rights reserved
Distributed in Canada by D&M Publishers, Inc.
Printed in the United States of America
Published in 2008 by Farrar, Straus and Giroux
First edition, 201K
GratefulW
acknowledgmentW
isW
madeW
toW
theW
EdwardW
B.W
MarksW
Musi.
CompanyW
forW
permissionW
toW
reprintW
lyricsW
fromW
TotalW
EclipseW
ofW
the
Heart,W
writtenW
byW
JimW
Steinman.W
UsedW
byW
permissionW
ofW
EdwardW
B.W
Marks
Music Company on behalf of Lost Boys Music
TheW
authorW
wouldW
likeW
toW
acknowledgeW
hisW
..rstW
readingW
theW
adageW
Yod
canW
eitherW
practiceW
beingW
rightW
orW
practiceW
beingW
kindW
inW
AnneW
Lamotte
excellent essay Adolescence.?
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Dat`
Quick, Matthew, 1973H
The silver linings playbook / Matthew Quick.1st ed
p. cm
ISBN-13: 978-0-374-26426-0 (hardcover: alk. paper
ISBN-10: 0-374-26426-0 (hardcover: alk. paper
1. Divorced menFiction. 2. WidowsFiction. 3. Depression,
MentalFiction. 4. Denial (Psychology)Fiction. I. Title
PS3617.U535S56 200m
813'.6H
dc22 200801385m
Designed by Cassandra J. Pappas
Title page photograph .
Big Stock Photj
www.fsgbooks.co.
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 /
For Aliciala raisoQ
An Infinite Amount of Days Until MN
Inevitable Reunion with NikkF
I dont have to look up to know Mom is making another
surpriseC
visit.C
HerC
toenailsC
areC
alwaysC
pinkC
duringC
the
summerC
months,C
andC
IC
recognizeC
theC
..owerC
design
imprintedC
onC
herC
leatherC
sandals;C
itsC
whatC
Mom
purchasedC
theC
lastC
timeC
sheC
signedC
meC
outC
ofC
theC
bad
place and took me to the mall_
OnceC
again,C
MotherC
hasC
foundC
meC
inC
myC
bathrobe,
exercisingC
unattendedC
inC
theC
courtyard,C
andC
IC
smile
becauseC
IC
knowC
sheC
willC
yellC
atC
Dr.C
Timbers,C
askingC
him
whyC
IC
needC
toC
beC
lockedC
upC
ifC
ImC
onlyC
goingC
toC
beC
left
alone all day_
JustC
howC
manyC
push-upsC
areC
youC
goingC
toC
do,C
Pat?
MomC
saysC
whenC
IC
startC
aC
secondC
setC
ofC
oneC
hundreZ
without speaking to her_
Nikkilikesamanwithadevelopedupper
body,C
IC
say,C
spittingC
outC
oneC
wordC
perC
push-up)
,@
)
]
,
tastingC
theC
saltyC
sweatC
linesC
thatC
areC
runningC
intoC
my
mouth_
The August haze is thick, perfect for burning fat_
MomC
justC
watchesC
forC
aC
minuteC
orC
so,C
andC
thenC
she
shocks me_
HerC
voiceC
sortC
ofC
quiversC
asC
sheC
says,C
DoC
youC
wantC
to
come home with me today?@
IC
stopC
doingC
push-ups,C
turnC
myC
faceC
upC
toward
Mothers,C
squintC
throughC
theC
whiteC
noontimeC
sunandC
I
canC
immediatelyC
tellC
sheC
isC
serious,C
becauseC
sheC
looks
worried,C
asC
ifC
sheC
isC
makingC
aC
mistake,C
andC
thatsC
how
Mom looks when sheC
means somethingC
she hasC
said and
isntC
justC
talkingC
likeC
sheC
alwaysC
doesC
forC
hoursC
onC
end
whenever shes not upset or afraid_
AsC
longC
asC
youC
promiseC
notC
toC
goC
lookingC
forC
Nikki
again,C
sheC
adds,C
youC
canC
..nallyC
comeC
homeC
andC
live
with me and your father until we ..nd you a job and get
you set up in an apartment.@
I resume my push-up routine, keeping my eyes riveted
toC
theC
shinyC
blackC
antC
scalingC
aC
bladeC
ofC
grassC
directly
belowC
myC
nose,C
butC
myC
peripheralC
visionC
catchesC
the
sweat beads leaping from my face to the ground below_
Pat, just say youll come home with me, and Ill cook
forC
youC
andC
youC
canC
visitC
withC
yourC
oldC
friendsC
andC
start
toC
getC
onC
withC
yourC
lifeC
..nally. Please.C
IC
needC
youC
to
want this. If only for me, Pat. Please.@
Double-timeC
push-ups,C
myC
pecsC
ripping,C
growingA
Q
)
g)
]
g
pain, heat, sweat, change_
IC
dontC
wantC
toC
stayC
inC
theC
badC
place,C
whereC
noC
one
believesC
inC
silverC
liningsC
orC
loveC
orC
happyC
endings,C
and
whereC
everyoneC
tellsC
meC
NikkiC
willC
notC
likeC
myC
new
body, nor will she even want to see me when apart time
is over. But I am also afraid the people from my old life
will not be as enthusiastic as I am now trying to be_
EvenC
still,C
IC
needC
toC
getC
awayC
fromC
theC
depressing
doctorsC
andC
theC
uglyC
nurseswithC
theirC
endlessC
pillsC
in
paperC
cupsifC
IC
am everC
goingC
toC
getC
myC
thoughts
straight, and since Mom will be much easier to trick than
medicalC
professionals,C
IC
jumpC
up,C
..ndC
myC
feet,C
andC
say,
Ill come live with you just until apart time is over.@
WhileC
MomC
isC
signingC
legalC
papers,C
IC
takeC
oneC
last
showerC
inC
myC
roomC
andC
thenC
..llC
myC
du..elC
bagC
with
clothes and my framed picture of Nikki. I say goodbye to
my roommate, Jackie, who just stares at me from his bed
like he always does, drool running down o.. his chin like
clearC
honey.C
PoorC
Jackie,C
withC
hisC
randomC
tuftsC
ofC
hair,
oddlyC
shapedC
head,C
andC
..abbyC
body.C
WhatC
woman
would ever love him?
He blinks at me. I take this for goodbye and good luck,
soC
IC
blinkC
backC
withC
bothC
eyesmeaningC
doubleC
good
luckC
toC
you,C
Jackie,C
whichC
IC
..gureC
heC
understands,C
since
heC
gruntsC
andC
bangsC
hisC
shoulderC
againstC
hisC
earC
likeC
he
does whenever he gets what you are trying to tell him_
MyC
otherC
friendsC
areC
inC
musicC
relaxationC
class,C
whichC
D
l/
l,
doC
notC
attend,C
becauseC
smoothC
jazzC
makesC
meC
angry
sometimes.C
ThinkingC
maybeC
IC
shouldC
sayC
goodbyeC
toC
the
menC
whoC
hadC
myC
backC
whileC
IC
wasC
lockedC
up,C
IC
look
intoC
theC
music-roomC
windowC
andC
seeC
myC
boysC
sitting
Indian style on purple yoga mats, their elbows resting on
their knees, their palms pressed together in front of their
faces,C
andC
theirC
eyesC
closed.C
Luckily,C
theC
glassC
ofC
the
windowC
blocksC
theC
smoothC
jazzC
fromC
enteringC
myC
ears.
MyC
friendsC
lookC
reallyC
relaxedatC
peacesoC
IC
decide
not to interrupt their session. I hate goodbyes_
In his white coat, Dr. Timbers is waiting for me when I
meetC
myC
motherC
inC
theC
lobby,C
whereC
threeC
palmC
trees
lurkC
amongC
theC
couchesC
andC
loungeC
chairs,C
asC
ifC
theC
bad
placeC
wereC
inC
OrlandoC
andC
notC
Baltimore.C
EnjoyC
your
life, he says to mewearing that sober look of hisand
shakes my hand_
JustC
asC
soonC
asC
apartC
timeC
ends,C
IC
say,C
andC
hisC
face
fallsC
as ifC
I said IC
was goingC
to kill hisC
wife, Natalie,C
and
theirC
threeC
blond-hairedC
daughtersKristen,C
Jenny,C
and
Beckybecause thats just how much he does not believe
inC
silverC
linings,C
makingC
itC
hisC
businessC
toC
preachC
apathy
and negativity and pessimism unceasingly_
ButC
IC
makeC
sureC
heC
understandsC
thatC
heC
hasC
failedC
to
infect me with his depressing life philosophiesand that
I will be looking forward to the end of apart time. I say,
Picture me rollin to Dr. Timbers, which is exactly what
DannymyC
onlyC
blackC
friendC
inC
theC
badC
placetoldC
me
he was going to say to Dr. Timbers when Danny got out_
gg_
g_
IC
sortC
ofC
feelC
badC
aboutC
stealingC
DannysC
exitC
line,C
butC
it
works;C
IC
knowC
becauseC
Dr.C
TimbersC
squintsC
asC
ifC
IC
haZ
punched him in the gut_
AsC
myC
motherC
drivesC
meC
outC
ofC
MarylandC
andC
through
Delaware,C
pastC
allC
thoseC
fast-foodC
placesC
andC
stripC
malls,
she explains that Dr. Timbers did not want to let me out
of the bad place, but with the help of a few lawyers and
herC
girlfriendsC
therapisttheC
manC
whoC
willC
be myC
new
therapistsheC
wagedC
aC
legalC
battleC
andC
managedC
to
convince some judge that she could care for me at home,
so I thank her_
OnC
theC
DelawareC
MemorialC
Bridge,C
sheC
looksC
overC
at
me and asks if I want to get better, saying, You do want
to get better, Pat. Right?@
I nod. I say, I do.@
And then we are back in New Jersey, flying up 295_
AsC
weC
driveC
downC
HaddonC
AvenueC
intoC
theC
heartC
oE
CollingswoodmyC
hometownIC
seeC
thatC
theC
mainC
drag
looksC
di..erent.C
SoC
manyC
newC
boutiqueC
stores,C
new
expensive-looking restaurants, and well-dressed strangers
walkingC
theC
sidewalksC
thatC
IC
wonderC
ifC
thisC
isC
reallyC
my
hometown at all. I start to feel anxious, breathing heavily
like I sometimes do_
MomC
asksC
meC
whatsC
wrong,C
andC
whenC
IC
tellC
her,C
she
againC
promisesC
thatC
myC
newC
therapist,C
Dr.C
Patel,C
will
have me feeling normal in no time_
When we arrive home, I immediately go down into thH
)
lg
basement, and its like Christmas. I ..nd the weight bench
my mother had promisedC
me soC
many times,C
along with
theC
rackC
ofC
weights,C
theC
stationaryC
bike,C
dumbbells,C
and
the Stomach Master 6000, which I had seen on late-night
television and coveted for however long I was in the bad
place_
ThankC
you,C
thankC
you,C
thankC
you!C
IC
tellC
Mom,C
and
giveC
herC
aC
hugeC
hug,C
pickingC
herC
upC
o..C
theC
groundC
and
spinning her around once_
WhenC
IC
putC
herC
down,C
sheC
smilesC
andC
says,C
Welcome
home, Pat.@
Eagerly I go to work, alternating between sets of bench
presses,C
curls,C
machineC
sit-upsC
onC
theC
StomachC
Master6000,C
legC
lifts,C
squats,C
hoursC
onC
theC
bike,C
hydrationsessionsC
(IC
tryC
toC
drinkC
fourC
gallonsC
ofC
waterC
everyC
day,
doing endless shots of H2O from a shot glass for intensivehydration), and then t
here is my writing, which is mostlydaily memoirs like this one, so that Nikki wi
ll be able toreadC
aboutC
myC
lifeC
andC
knowC
exactlyC
whatC
IveC
beenC
upto since apart time began. (My memory started to slip intheC
badC
placeC
becauseC
ofC
theC
drugs,C
soC
IC
beganC
writing
downC
everythingC
thatC
happensC
toC
me,C
keepingC
trackC
of
whatC
IC
willC
needC
toC
tellC
NikkiC
whenC
apartC
time
concludes,C
to catchC
her upC
on myC
life. ButC
the doctors in
theC
badC
placeC
con..scatedC
everythingC
IC
wroteC
beforeC
I
came home, so I had to start over.X
When I ..nally comeC
out ofC
the basement, I notice thaG
lQ
,
allC
theC
picturesC
ofC
NikkiC
andC
meC
haveC
beenC
removed
from the walls and the mantel over the fireplace_
IC
askC
myC
motherC
whereC
theseC
picturesC
went.C
SheC
tells
meC
our houseC
wasC
burglarizedC
aC
fewC
weeksC
beforeC
I
cameC
homeC
andC
theC
picturesC
wereC
stolen.C
IC
askC
whyC
a
burglarC
wouldC
wantC
picturesC
ofC
NikkiC
andC
me,C
andC
my
mother says she puts all of her pictures in very expensive
frames.C
WhyC
didntC
theC
burglarC
stealC
theC
restC
ofC
the
familyC
pictures?C
IC
ask.C
MomC
saysC
theC
burglarC
stole all
theC
expensiveC
frames,C
butC
sheC
hadC
theC
negativesC
forC
the
family portraits and had them replaced. Why didnt you
replaceC
theC
picturesC
ofC
NikkiC
andC
me?C
IC
ask.C
MomC
says
sheC
didC
notC
haveC
theC
negativesC
forC
theC
picturesC
ofC
Nikki
andC
me,C
especiallyC
becauseC
NikkisC
parentsC
hadC
paidC
for
theC
weddingC
picturesC
andC
hadC
onlyC
givenC
myC
mother
copies of the photos she liked. Nikki had given Mom the
other non-wedding pictures ofC
us, andC
well, weC
arent in
touchC
withC
NikkiC
orC
herC
familyC
rightC
nowC
becauseC
its
apart time_
IC
tellC
myC
motherC
thatC
ifC
thatC
burglarC
comesC
back,C
Ill
breakC
hisC
kneecapsC
andC
beatC
himC
withinC
anC
inchC
ofC
hiO
life, and she says, I believe you would.@
MyC
fatherC
andC
IC
doC
notC
talkC
evenC
onceC
duringC
theC
..rst
week I am home, which is not all that surprising, as he is
always workinghes the district manager for all the Big
FoodsC
inC
SouthC
Jersey.C
WhenC
DadsC
notC
atC
work,C
hesC
in
hisC
study,C
readingC
historicalC
..ctionC
withC
theC
doorC
shut,
mostlyC
novelsC
aboutC
theC
CivilC
War.C
MomC
saysC
heC
needO
lQ
l_
time to get used to my living at home again, which I am
happy to give him, especially since I am sort of afraid to
talk with Dad anyway. I remember him yelling at me the
onlyC
timeC
heC
everC
visitedC
meC
inC
theC
badC
place,C
andC
he
saidC
someC
prettyC
awfulC
thingsC
aboutC
NikkiC
andC
silver
linings in general. I see Dad in the hallways of our house,
of course, but he doesnt look at me when we pass_
Nikki likes to read, and since she always wanted me to
readC
literaryC
books,C
IC
start,C
mainlyC
soC
IC
willC
beC
ableC
to
participateC
inC
theC
dinnerC
conversationsC
IC
hadC
remaineZ
silentC
throughC
inC
theC
pastthoseC
conversationsC
with
NikkisC
literaryC
friends,C
allC
EnglishC
teachers whoC
think
ImC
anC
illiterateC
bu..oon,C
whichC
isC
actuallyC
aC
name
Nikkis friend calls me whenever I tease him about being
suchC
aC
tinyC
man.C
AtC
leastC
ImC
notC
anC
illiterateC
bu..oon,
Phillip says to me, and Nikki laughs so hard_
MyC
momC
hasC
aC
libraryC
card,C
andC
sheC
checksC
outC
books
forC
meC
nowC
thatC
IC
amC
homeC
andC
allowedC
toC
read
whateverC
IC
wantC
withoutC
clearingC
theC
materialC
withC
Dr.
Timbers,C
who,C
incidentally,C
isC
aC
fascistC
whenC
itC
comesC
to
bookC
banning.C
IC
startC
with TheC
GreatC
Gatsby,C
whichC
I
finish in just three nights_
TheC
bestC
partC
isC
theC
introductoryC
essay,C
whichC
states
thatC
theC
novelC
isC
mostlyC
aboutC
timeC
andC
howC
youC
can
neverC
buyC
itC
back,C
whichC
isC
exactlyC
howC
IC
feelC
regarding
myC
bodyC
andC
exercisebutC
thenC
again,C
IC
alsoC
feelC
asC
ifC
I
haveC
anC
in..niteC
amountC
ofC
daysC
untilC
myC
inevitable
reunion with Nikki_
WhenC
IC
readC
theC
actualC
storyhowC
GatsbyC
lovesC
Daisy
soC
muchC
butC
cantC
everC
beC
withC
herC
noC
matterC
howC
hard
heC
triesIC
feelC
likeC
rippingC
theC
bookC
inC
halfC
andC
calling
up Fitzgerald and telling him his book is all wrong, even
thoughC
IC
knowC
FitzgeraldC
isC
probablyC
deceased.
EspeciallyC
whenC
GatsbyC
isC
shotC
deadC
inC
hisC
swimming
pool the ..rst time he goes for a swim all summer, Daisy
doesntC
evenC
goC
toC
hisC
funeral,C
NickC
andC
JordanC
part
ways, and Daisy ends up sticking with racist Tom, whose
needC
forC
sexC
basicallyC
murdersC
anC
innocentC
woman,C
you
canC
tellC
FitzgeraldC
neverC
tookC
theC
timeC
toC
lookC
upC
at
cloudsC
duringC
sunset,C
becauseC
theresC
noC
silverC
liningC
at
the end of that book, let me tell you_
IC
doC
seeC
whyC
NikkiC
likesC
theC
novel,C
asC
itsC
writtenC
so
well.C
ButC
herC
likingC
itC
makesC
meC
worryC
nowC
thatC
Nikki
doesntC
reallyC
believeC
inC
silverC
linings,C
becauseC
sheC
says
The Great Gatsby is the greatest novel ever written by an
American,C
andC
yetC
itC
endsC
soC
sadly.C
OneC
thingsC
forC
sure,
NikkiC
isC
goingC
toC
beC
veryC
proudC
ofC
meC
whenC
IC
tellC
herC
I
finally read her favorite book_
HeresC
anotherC
surprise:C
ImC
goingC
toC
readC
allC
the
novelsC
onC
herC
AmericanC
literatureC
classC
syllabus,C
justC
to
makeC
herC
proud,C
toC
letC
herC
knowC
thatC
IC
amC
really
interestedC
inC
whatC
sheC
lovesC
andC
IC
amC
makingC
aC
real
effort to salvage our marriage, especially since I will now
beC
ableC
toC
converseC
withC
herC
swankyC
literaryC
friends,
saying things like, Im thirty. Im ..ve years too old to lie
to myself and call it honor, which Nick says toward thH
Q
lQ
,
endC
ofC
FitzgeraldsC
famousC
novel,C
butC
theC
lineC
worksC
for
meC
too,C
becauseC
IC
amC
alsoC
thirty,C
soC
whenC
IC
sayC
it,C
IC
will
soundC
reallyC
smart.C
WeC
willC
probablyC
beC
chattingC
over
dinner,C
andC
theC
referenceC
willC
makeC
NikkiC
smileC
and
laughC
becauseC
sheC
willC
beC
soC
surprisedC
thatC
IC
have
actuallyC
read TheC
GreatC
Gatsby.C
ThatsC
partC
ofC
myC
plan,
anyway,C
toC
deliverC
thatC
lineC
realC
suave,C
whenC
sheC
least
expects me to drop knowledgeto use anotherC
one ofmy black friend Dannys lines_
God, I cant wait_
He Does Not Preach PessimisV
My workout is interrupted midday, when Mom descends
the basement stairs and says I have an appointment with
Dr.J
Patel.J
IJ
askJ
ifJ
IJ
canJ
goJ
laterJ
thatJ
night,J
afterJ
IJ
have
completedJ
myJ
dailyJ
weightsJ
routine,J
butJ
MomJ
saysJ
Ill
have to go back to the bad place in Baltimore if I do not
keepJ
myJ
appointmentsJ
withJ
Dr.J
Patel,J
andJ
sheJ
even
referencesJ
theJ
courtJ
ruling,J
tellingJ
meJ
IJ
canJ
readJ
the
paperwork if I dont believe herc
SoJ
IJ
shower,J
andJ
thenJ
MomJ
drivesJ
meJ
toJ
Dr.J
Patels
o..ce, which is the ..rst ..oor of a big house in Voorhees,
just off HaddonfieldBerlin Roadc
WhenJ
weJ
arrive,J
IJ
takeJ
aJ
seatJ
inJ
theJ
waitingJ
roomJ
as
MomJ
..llsJ
outJ
someJ
moreJ
paperwork.J
ByJ
now,J
tenJ
trees
mustJ
haveJ
beenJ
cutJ
downJ
justJ
toJ
documentJ
myJ
mental
health,J
whichJ
NikkiJ
willJ
hateJ
hearing,J
asJ
sheJ
isJ
anJ
avid
environmentalistJ
whoJ
gaveJ
meJ
atJ
leastJ
oneJ
treeJ
inJ
the
rainJ
forestJ
everyJ
ChristmaswhichJ
wasJ
reallyJ
onlyJ
a
pieceJ
ofJ
paperJ
statingJ
IJ
ownedJ
theJ
treeandJ
IJ
doJ
feed
pppQ
r
badJ
nowJ
forJ
makingJ
funJ
ofJ
thoseJ
giftsJ
andJ
wontJ
ever
]
L
Z
e funJ
atJ
theJ
diminishingJ
rainJ
forestJ
inJ
theJ
future
when Nikki comes backc
AsJ
IJ
sitJ
thereJ
..ippingJ
throughJ
a SportsJ
Illustrated,
listeningJ
toJ
theJ
easy-listeningJ
stationJ
Dr.J
PatelJ
pumps
intoJ
hisJ
waitingJ
room,J
suddenlyJ
ImJ
hearingJ
sexy
synthesizerJ
chords,J
faintJ
highhatJ
taps,J
theJ
kickJ
drum
thumpingJ
outJ
anJ
eroticJ
heartbeat,J
theJ
twinklingJ
ofJ
fairy
dust,J
andJ
thenJ
theJ
evilJ
brightJ
sopranoJ
saxophone.J
You
knowJ
theJ
title:J
Songbird.J
AndJ
ImJ
outJ
ofJ
myJ
seat,
screaming,J
kickingJ
chairs,J
..ippingJ
theJ
co..eeJ
table,
picking up piles of magazines and throwing them against
the wall, yelling, Its not fair! I wont tolerate any tricks!
Im not an emotional lab rat!]
AndJ
thenJ
aJ
smallJ
IndianJ
manmaybeJ
onlyJ
..veJ
feeO
tall,J
wearingJ
aJ
cable-knitJ
sweaterJ
inJ
August,J
suitJ
pants,
andJ
shinyJ
whiteJ
tennisJ
shoesisJ
calmlyJ
askingJ
mI
whats wrongc
Turn off that music! I yell. Shut it off! Right now!]
The tiny man is Dr. Patel, I realize, because he tells his
secretaryJ
toJ
turnJ
o..J
theJ
music,J
andJ
whenJ
sheJ
obeys,
Kenny G is out of my head and I stop yellingc
IJ
coverJ
myJ
faceJ
withJ
myJ
handsJ
soJ
noJ
oneJ
willJ
seeJ
me
crying,J
andJ
afterJ
aJ
minuteJ
orJ
so,J
myJ
motherJ
begins
rubbing my backc
SoJ
muchJ
silenceandJ
thenJ
Dr.J
PatelJ
asksJ
meJ
intoJ
his
o..ce.J
IJ
followJ
himJ
reluctantlyJ
asJ
MomJ
helpsJ
thI
r[
p
secretary clean up the mess I madec
His office is pleasantly strangec
TwoJ
leatherJ
reclinersJ
faceJ
eachJ
other,J
andJ
spider-
looking plantslong vines full of white-and-green leaves
hangJ
downJ
fromJ
theJ
ceilingJ
toJ
frameJ
theJ
bayJ
window
thatJ
overlooksJ
aJ
stoneJ
birdbathJ
andJ
aJ
gardenJ
ofJ
colorful
..owers.J
ButJ
thereJ
isJ
absolutelyJ
nothingJ
elseJ
inJ
theJ
room
exceptJ
aJ
boxJ
ofJ
tissuesJ
onJ
theJ
shortJ
lengthJ
ofJ
..oor
betweenJ
theJ
recliners.J
TheJ
..oorJ
isJ
a shinyJ
yellow
hardwood, and the ceiling and walls are painted to look
likeJ
theJ
skyreal-lookingJ
cloudsJ
..oatJ
allJ
aroundJ
the
o..ce,J
whichJ
IJ
takeJ
asJ
aJ
goodJ
omen,J
sinceJ
IJ
loveJ
clouds.
AJ
singleJ
lightJ
occupiesJ
theJ
centerJ
ofJ
theJ
ceiling,J
likeJ
a
glowingJ
upside-downJ
vanilla-icingJ
cake,J
butJ
theJ
ceiling
around the light is painted to look like the sun. Friendly
rays shoot out from the centerc
I have to admit I feel calm as soon as I enter Dr. Patels
o..ceJ
andJ
doJ
notJ
reallyJ
mindJ
anymoreJ
thatJ
IJ
heardJ
the
Kenny G songc
Dr.J
PatelJ
asksJ
meJ
whichJ
reclinerJ
IJ
wantJ
toJ
relaxJ
in.J
I
pickJ
theJ
blackJ
overJ
theJ
brownJ
andJ
immediatelyJ
regret
myJ
decision,J
thinkingJ
thatJ
choosingJ
blackJ
makesJ
mI
seemJ
moreJ
depressedJ
thanJ
ifJ
IJ
hadJ
chosenJ
brown,J
an^
really, Im not depressed at allc
WhenJ
Dr.J
PatelJ
sitsJ
down,J
heJ
pullsJ
theJ
leverJ
onJ
the
side of his chair,J
which makesJ
the footrest rise. He leans
backJ
andJ
lacesJ
hisJ
..ngersJ
behindJ
hisJ
tinyJ
head,J
asJ
ifJ
hI
Q
_
were about to watch a ball gamec
Relax, he says. And no Dr. Patel. Call me Cli... I like
to keep sessions informal. Friendly, right?]
HeJ
seemsJ
niceJ
enough,J
soJ
IJ
pullJ
myJ
lever,J
leanJ
back,
and try to relaxc
So,J
heJ
says.J
TheJ
KennyJ
GJ
songJ
reallyJ
gotJ
toJ
you.J
I
cant say Im a fan either, but ]
IJ
closeJ
myJ
eyes,J
humJ
aJ
singleJ
note,J
andJ
silentlyJ
count
to ten, blanking my mindc
When I open my eyes, he says, You want to talk about
Kenny G?]
IJ
closeJ
myJ
eyes,J
humJ
aJ
singleJ
note,J
andJ
silentlyJ
count
to ten, blanking my mindc
Okay. Want to tell me about Nikki?]
WhyJ
doJ
youJ
wantJ
toJ
knowJ
aboutJ
Nikki?J
IJ
say,J
too
defensively, I admitc
IfJ
IJ
amJ
goingJ
toJ
helpJ
you,J
Pat,J
IJ
needJ
to knowJ
you,
right? Your mother tells me you wish to be reunited with
Nikki,J
thatJ
thisJ
isJ
yourJ
biggestJ
lifeJ
goalsoJ
IJ
..gureJ
we
best start there.]
I begin to feel better because he does not say a reunion
isJ
outJ
ofJ
theJ
question,J
whichJ
seemsJ
toJ
implyJ
thatJ
Dr.
PatelJ
feelsJ
asJ
thoughJ
reconcilingJ
withJ
myJ
wifeJ
isJ
still
possiblec
Nikki?J
ShesJ
great,J
IJ
say,J
andJ
thenJ
smile,J
feelingJ
the
warmthJ
thatJ
..llsJ
myJ
chestJ
wheneverJ
IJ
sayJ
herJ
name_
Q
rr_
whenever I see her face in my mind. Shes the best thing
thatJ
everJ
happenedJ
toJ
me.J
IJ
loveJ
herJ
moreJ
thanJ
life
itself. And I just cant wait until apart time is over.]
Apart time?]
Yeah. Apart time.]
What is apart time?]
A few months ago I agreed to give Nikki some space,
andJ
sheJ
agreedJ
toJ
comeJ
backJ
toJ
meJ
whenJ
sheJ
feltJ
like
sheJ
hadJ
workedJ
outJ
herJ
ownJ
issuesJ
enoughJ
soJ
weJ
could
beJ
togetherJ
again.J
SoJ
weJ
areJ
sortJ
ofJ
separated,J
butJ
only
temporarily.]
Why did you separate?]
MostlyJ
becauseJ
IJ
didntJ
appreciateJ
herJ
andJ
wasJ
a
workaholicchairingJ
theJ
Je..ersonJ
HighJ
SchoolJ
History
DepartmentJ
andJ
coachingJ
threeJ
sports.J
IJ
wasJ
never
home,J
andJ
sheJ
gotJ
lonely.J
AlsoJ
IJ
sortJ
ofJ
letJ
my
appearanceJ
go,J
toJ
theJ
pointJ
whereJ
IJ
wasJ
maybeJ
tenJ
to
seventyJ
poundsJ
overweight,J
butJ
ImJ
workingJ
onJ
allJ
that
andJ
amJ
nowJ
moreJ
thanJ
willingJ
toJ
goJ
intoJ
couples
counseling like she wanted me to, because Im a changed
man.]
Did you set a date?]
A date?]
For the end of apart time.]
No.]
SoJ
apartJ
timeJ
isJ
somethingJ
thatJ
willJ
goJ
o\
]
r
indefinitely?]
Theoretically,J
IJ
guessyes.J
EspeciallyJ
sinceJ
ImJ
not
allowed to contact Nikki or her family.]
Whys that?]
j
mmJ
J
IJ
dontJ
know,J
really.J
IJ
meanIJ
loveJ
myJ
in-
lawsJ
asJ
muchJ
asJ
IJ
loveJ
Nikki.J
ButJ
itJ
doesntJ
matter,
because Im thinking that Nikki will be back sooner than
later,J
andJ
thenJ
shellJ
straightenJ
everythingJ
outJ
withJ
her
parents.]
OnJ
whatJ
doJ
youJ
baseJ
yourJ
thinking?J
heJ
asks,J
buO
nicely, with a friendly smile on his facec
IJ
believeJ
inJ
happyJ
endings,J
IJ
tellJ
him.J
AndJ
itJ
feels
likeJ
thisJ
movieJ
hasJ
goneJ
onJ
forJ
theJ
rightJ
amountJ
of
time.]
Movie?J
Dr.J
PatelJ
says,J
andJ
IJ
thinkJ
heJ
wouldJ
look
exactlyJ
likeJ
GandhiJ
ifJ
heJ
hadJ
thoseJ
wire-rimJ
glassesJ
and
a shaved head, which is weird, especially since we are in
leatherJ
reclinersJ
inJ
suchJ
aJ
bright,J
happyJ
roomJ
andJ
well,
Gandhi is dead, rightd
Yeah, I say. Havent you ever noticed that life is like
a series of movies?]
No. Tell me.]
Well, you have adventures. All start out with troubles,
butJ
thenJ
youJ
admitJ
yourJ
problemsJ
andJ
becomeJ
aJ
better
personJ
byJ
workingJ
reallyJ
hard,J
whichJ
isJ
whatJ
fertilizes
theJ
happyJ
endingJ
andJ
allowsJ
itJ
toJ
bloomjustJ
likeJ
thI
p]
ju
end of all the Rocky ..lms, Rudy, The Karate Kid,J
the Star
WarsJ
and IndianaJ
JonesJ
trilogies,J
and TheJ
Goonies,
whichJ
areJ
myJ
favoriteJ
..lms,J
evenJ
thoughJ
IJ
haveJ
sworn
o.. movies until Nikki returns, because now my own life
is the movie I will watch, and well, its always on. Plus I
know its almost time for the happy ending, when Nikki
willJ
comeJ
back, because I have improved myself so very
muchJ
throughJ
physicalJ
..tnessJ
andJ
medicationJ
and
therapy.]
Oh, I see. Dr. Patel smiles. I like happy endings too,
Pat.]
SoJ
youJ
agreeJ
withJ
me.J
YouJ
thinkJ
myJ
wifeJ
willJ
come
back soon?]
TimeJ
willJ
tell,J
Dr.J
PatelJ
says,J
andJ
IJ
knowJ
rightJ
then
thatJ
Cli..J
andJ
IJ
areJ
goingJ
toJ
getJ
along,J
becauseJ
heJ
does
notJ
preachJ
pessimismJ
likeJ
Dr.J
TimbersJ
andJ
theJ
sta..J
aO
theJ
badJ
place;J
Cli..J
doesntJ
sayJ
IJ
needJ
toJ
faceJ
whatJ
he
thinks is my realityc
ItsJ
funny,J
becauseJ
allJ
theJ
otherJ
therapistsJ
IveJ
seen
saidJ
thatJ
NikkiJ
wouldntJ
beJ
back.J
EvenJ
afterJ
IJ
toldJ
them
aboutJ
theJ
lifeJ
improvementsJ
IJ
haveJ
beenJ
making,J
howJ
I
amJ
betteringJ
myself,J
theyJ
stillJ
wereJ
alwaysJ
hatingJ
on
me,J
whichJ
isJ
anJ
expressionJ
IJ
learnedJ
fromJ
myJ
black
friend Danny.]
People can be cruel, he says with a sympathetic look
thatJ
makesJ
meJ
trustJ
himJ
evenJ
more.J
AndJ
rightJ
thenJ
I
realize that he is not writing down all my words in a file_
Q
rr_
which I really appreciate, let me tell youc
IJ
tellJ
himJ
IJ
likeJ
theJ
room,J
andJ
weJ
talkJ
aboutJ
myJ
love
ofJ
cloudsJ
andJ
howJ
mostJ
peopleJ
loseJ
theJ
abilityJ
toJ
see
silver linings even though they are always there above us
almost every dayc
IJ
askJ
himJ
questionsJ
aboutJ
hisJ
family,J
justJ
toJ
beJ
nice_
andJ
itJ
turnsJ
outJ
heJ
hasJ
aJ
daughterJ
whoseJ
highJ
school
..eld hockey team is ranked second in South Jersey. Also
heJ
hasJ
aJ
sonJ
inJ
elementaryJ
schoolJ
whoJ
wantsJ
toJ
beJ
R
ventriloquistJ
andJ
evenJ
practicesJ
nightlyJ
withJ
aJ
wooden
dummy named Grover Cleveland, who, incidentally, was
also the only j
.S. president to serve two terms that were
not back-to-back. I dont really get why Cli..s son named
his woodenJ
dummy after our twenty-second and twenty-
fourth president, although I do not say so. Next, Cli.. says
heJ
hasJ
aJ
wifeJ
namedJ
Sonja,J
whoJ
paintedJ
theJ
roomJ
so
beautifully,J
whichJ
leadsJ
toJ
ourJ
discussionJ
aboutJ
how
great women are and how its important to treasure your
woman while you have her because if you dont, you can
loseJ
herJ
prettyJ
quicklyasJ
GodJ
reallyJ
wantsJ
usJ
to
appreciate our women. I tell Cli.. I hope he never has to
experienceJ
apartJ
time,J
andJ
heJ
saysJ
heJ
hopesJ
myJ
apart
time will end soon, which is a pretty nice thing to sayc
BeforeJ
IJ
leave,J
Cli..J
saysJ
heJ
willJ
beJ
changingJ
my
medication,J
whichJ
couldJ
leadJ
toJ
someJ
unwantedJ
side
e..ects,J
andJ
thatJ
IJ
haveJ
toJ
reportJ
anyJ
discomfortJ
or
sleeplessnessJ
orJ
anxietyJ
orJ
anythingJ
elseJ
toJ
myJ
mother
immediatelybecauseJ
itJ
mightJ
takeJ
someJ
timeJ
forJ
hiV
[
r
toJ
..ndJ
theJ
rightJ
combinationJ
ofJ
drugsandJ
IJ
promise
him I willc
OnJ
theJ
driveJ
homeJ
IJ
tellJ
myJ
motherJ
IJ
reallyJ
likeJ
Dr.
Cli..J
PatelJ
andJ
amJ
feelingJ
muchJ
moreJ
hopefulJ
aboutJ
my
therapy.J
I thankJ
her forJ
getting meJ
out ofJ
the bad place,
sayingJ
NikkiJ
isJ
farJ
moreJ
likelyJ
toJ
comeJ
toJ
Collingswood
thanJ
toJ
aJ
mentalJ
institution,J
andJ
whenJ
IJ
sayJ
this,J
Mom
startsJ
toJ
cry,J
whichJ
isJ
soJ
strange.J
SheJ
evenJ
pullsJ
o..J
the
road, rests her headJ
against theJ
steering wheel,J
and with
theJ
engineJ
running,J
sheJ
criesJ
forJ
aJ
longJ
timesni..ing
andJ
tremblingJ
andJ
makingJ
cryingJ
noises.J
SoJ
IJ
rubJ
her
back,J
likeJ
sheJ
didJ
forJ
meJ
inJ
Dr.J
PatelsJ
o..ceJ
whenJ
that
certainJ
songJ
cameJ
on,J
andJ
afterJ
tenJ
minutesJ
orJ
so,J
she
simply stops crying and drives me homec
ToJ
makeJ
upJ
forJ
theJ
hourJ
IJ
spentJ
sittingJ
aroundJ
with
Cli.., I work out until late in the evening, and when I go
toJ
bed, myJ
father isJ
still inJ
hisJ
o..ce withJ
the door shut,
so another day passes without my talking to Dad. I think
itsJ
strangeJ
toJ
liveJ
inJ
aJ
houseJ
withJ
someoneJ
youJ
cannot
talkJ
toespeciallyJ
when thatJ
someoneJ
isJ
yourJ
father
and the thought makes me a little sadc
SinceJ
MomJ
hasJ
notJ
beenJ
toJ
theJ
libraryJ
yet,J
IJ
have
nothingJ
toJ
read.J
SoJ
IJ
closeJ
myJ
eyesJ
andJ
thinkJ
about
Nikki until she comes to be with me in my dreamslike
alwaysc
Orange Fire Enters My Skul`
Yes,U
IU
reallyU
doU
believeU
inU
silverU
linings,U
mostlyU
because
IveU
beenU
seeingU
themU
almostU
everyU
dayU
whenU
IU
emerge
fromU
theU
basement,U
pushU
myU
headU
andU
armsU
throughU
a
trashU
bagsoU
myU
torsoU
willU
beU
wrappedU
inU
plasticU
andU
I
willU
sweatU
moreandU
thenU
goU
running.U
IU
alwaysU
tryU
to
coordinateU
theU
ten-mileU
runningU
portionU
ofU
myU
ten-hour
exerciseU
routineU
withU
sunset,U
soU
IU
canU
..nishU
byU
running
west past the playing ..elds of Knights Park, where, as a
kid, I played baseball and soccerp
AsU
IU
runU
throughU
theU
park,U
IU
lookU
upU
andU
seeU
whatU
the
day has to offer in the way of divinationp
IfU
cloudsU
areU
blockingU
theU
sun,U
thereU
willU
alwaysU
beU
a
silver lining that reminds me to keep on trying, because I
know that while things might seem dark now, my wife is
comingU
backU
toU
meU
soon.U
SeeingU
theU
lightU
outlineU
those
..u..yU
pu..sU
ofU
whiteU
andU
grayU
isU
electrifying.U
(AndU
you
can even re-create the e..ect by holding your hand a few
inchesU
awayU
fromU
aU
nakedU
lightbulbU
andU
tracingU
youP
aQ
aQ
uaa_
handprintU
withU
yourU
eyesU
untilU
youU
goU
temporarily
blind.)U
ItU
hurtsU
toU
lookU
atU
theU
clouds,U
butU
itU
alsoU
helps,
like most things that cause pain. So I need to run, and as
myU
lungsU
burnU
andU
myU
backU
rebelsU
withU
thatU
stabbing
knifeU
feelingU
andU
myU
legU
musclesU
hardenU
andU
theU
half
inchU
ofU
looseU
skinU
aroundU
myU
waistU
jiggles,U
IU
feelU
as
thoughU
myU
penanceU
forU
theU
dayU
isU
beingU
doneU
andU
that
maybeU
GodU
willU
beU
pleasedU
enoughU
toU
lendU
meU
somT
help,U
whichU
IU
thinkU
isU
whyU
HeU
hasU
beenU
showingU
me
interesting clouds for the past weekp
SinceU
myU
wifeU
askedU
forU
someU
timeU
apart,U
IveU
lost
more than fifty pounds, and my mother says that soon Ill
beU
atU
theU
weightU
IU
wasU
whenU
IU
playedU
varsityU
soccerU
in
highU
school,U
whichU
isU
alsoU
theU
weightU
IU
wasU
whenU
IU
met
Nikki,U
andU
ImU
thinkingU
maybeU
sheU
wasU
upsetU
byU
thT
weightU
IU
gainedU
duringU
theU
..veU
yearsU
weU
wereU
married.
WontU
sheU
beU
surprisedU
toU
seeU
meU
lookingU
soU
musculaP
when apart time is overZ
IfU
thereU
areU
noU
cloudsU
atU
sunsetwhichU
happened
yesterdaywhenU
IU
lookU
upU
towardU
theU
sky,U
orangeU
..re
entersU
myU
skull,U
blindsU
me,U
andU
thatsU
almostU
asU
good,
because it burns too and makes everything look divinep
WhenU
IU
run,U
IU
alwaysU
pretendU
IU
amU
runningU
toward
Nikki,U
andU
itU
makesU
meU
feelU
likeU
IU
amU
decreasingU
the
amount of time I have to wait until I see her againp
The Worst Ending ImaginablV
Knowing that Nikki does a big unit on Hemingway every
year,W
IW
askW
forW
oneW
ofW
HemingwaysW
betterW
novels.W
One
withW
aW
loveW
storyW
ifW
possible,W
becauseW
IW
reallyW
needW
to
studyW
lovesoW
IW
canW
beW
aW
betterW
husbandW
whenW
Nikki
comes back, I tell Momr
WhenW
MomW
returnsW
fromW
theW
library,W
sheW
saysW
thatW
the
librarianW
claims A Farewell to Arms is Hemingways best
love story. So I eagerly crack open the book and can feel
myself getting smarter as I turn the first few pagesr
AsW
IW
read,W
IW
lookW
forW
quotableW
linesW
soW
IW
canW
drop
knowledgeW
theW
nextW
timeW
NikkiW
andW
IW
areW
outW
withW
her
literaryW
friendssoW
IW
canW
sayW
toW
thatW
glasses-wearing
Phillip,W
WouldW
anW
illiterateW
bu..oonW
knowW
thisW
line?
And then I will drop some Hemingway, real suaver
But the novel is nothing but a trickr
TheW
wholeW
time,W
youW
rootW
forW
theW
narratorW
toW
survive
theW
warW
andW
thenW
forW
himW
toW
haveW
aW
niceW
lifeW
with
Catherine Barkley. He does survive all sorts of dangersw
j
ds[
ssf_
s
evenW
gettingW
blownW
upandW
..nallyW
escapesW
to
Switzerland with the pregnant Catherine, whom heW
loves
soW
much.W
TheyW
liveW
inW
theW
mountainsW
forW
aW
time,W
inW
love
and living a good lifer
Hemingway should have ended there, because that was
the silver lining these people deserved after struggling to
survive the gloomy warr
But nor
InsteadW
heW
thinksW
upW
theW
worstW
endingW
imaginable:
HemingwayW
hasW
CatherineW
dieW
fromW
hemorrhagingW
afteZ
theirW
childW
isW
stillborn.W
ItW
isW
theW
mostW
torturousW
endingW
I
haveW
everW
experiencedW
andW
probablyW
willW
eveZ
experience in literature, movies, or even televisionr
IW
amW
cryingW
soW
hardW
atW
theW
end,W
partlyW
forW
the
characters,W
yes,W
butW
alsoW
becauseW
NikkiW
actuallyW
teaches
thisW
bookW
toW
children.W
IW
cannotW
imagineW
whyW
anyone
wouldW
wantW
toW
exposeW
impressionableW
teenagersW
toW
such
aW
horribleW
ending.W
WhyW
notW
justW
tellW
highW
schoolW
students
thatW
theirW
struggleW
toW
improveW
themselvesW
isW
allW
for
nothing1
IW
haveW
toW
admitW
thatW
forW
theW
..rstW
timeW
sinceW
apartW
time
began, I am mad at Nikki for teaching such pessimism in
her classroom. I will not be quoting Hemingway anytime
soon, nor will I ever read another one of his books. And
ifW
heW
wereW
stillW
alive,W
IW
wouldW
writeW
himW
aW
letterW
right
nowW
andW
threatenW
toW
strangleW
himW
deadW
withW
myW
barV
hands just for being so glum. No wonder he put a gun tY
d[
[
p
[
_
his head, like it says in the introductory essayr
Got Nothin but Love for YX
Dr. Patels secretary turns off the radio as soon as she sees
meJ
walkJ
intoJ
theJ
waitingJ
room,J
whichJ
makesJ
meJ
laugh
becauseJ
sheJ
triesJ
toJ
doJ
itJ
casually,J
asJ
ifJ
IJ
wontJ
notice.
SheJ
looksJ
scared,J
turningJ
theJ
knobJ
soJ
gingerlytheJ
way
peopleJ
doJ
thingsJ
afterJ
theyJ
haveJ
seenJ
oneJ
ofJ
my
episodes,J
asJ
ifJ
IJ
amJ
noJ
longerJ
human,J
butJ
someJ
wild
hulking animalZ
AfterJ
aJ
briefJ
wait,J
IJ
meetJ
withJ
Cli..J
forJ
myJ
second
session,J
likeJ
IJ
willJ
everyJ
FridayJ
forJ
theJ
foreseeable
future.J
IJ
pickJ
brownJ
thisJ
time,J
andJ
weJ
sitJ
inJ
hisJ
leather
reclinersJ
amongJ
theJ
clouds,J
talkingJ
aboutJ
howJ
muchJ
we
likeJ
womenJ
andJ
kickingJ
itJ
likeJ
weJ
do,J
whichJ
is
another one of Dannys sayingsZ
Cli..J
asksJ
meJ
ifJ
IJ
likeJ
myJ
newJ
meds,J
andJ
IJ
tellJ
himJ
I
do,J
evenJ
thoughJ
IJ
reallyJ
haveJ
notJ
noticedJ
anyJ
e..ectsJ
at
allJ
andJ
haveJ
onlyJ
takenJ
aboutJ
halfJ
theJ
pillsJ
myJ
mother
gaveJ
meJ
lastJ
weekhidingJ
aJ
fewJ
underJ
myJ
tongueJ
and
spittingJ
themJ
intoJ
theJ
toiletJ
whenJ
sheJ
leavesJ
meJ
aloneZ
]
ss
HeJ
asksJ
meJ
ifJ
IJ
haveJ
experiencedJ
anyJ
unwantedJ
side
e..ectsshortnessJ
ofJ
breath,J
lossJ
ofJ
appetite,J
drowsiness,
suicidalJ
feelings,J
homicidalJ
feelings,J
lossJ
ofJ
virility,
anxiety, itchiness, diarrheaand I tell him I haventZ
WhatJ
aboutJ
hallucinations?J
heJ
says,J
andJ
thenJ
leans
forward a little, squintingZ
Hallucinations? I askZ
Hallucinations.^
IJ
shrug,J
sayJ
IJ
dontJ
thinkJ
IJ
haveJ
hallucinated,J
andJ
he
tells me I would know if I hadZ
TellJ
yourJ
motherJ
ifJ
youJ
seeJ
anythingJ
bizarreJ
or
horrifying,J
heJ
says,J
butJ
dontJ
worry,J
becauseJ
you
probablyJ
willJ
notJ
hallucinate.J
OnlyJ
aJ
veryJ
small
percentageJ
ofJ
peopleJ
hallucinateJ
whileJ
takingJ
this
combination of meds.^
IJ
nodJ
andJ
promiseJ
IJ
willJ
reportJ
anyJ
hallucinationsJ
to
myJ
mother,J
butJ
IJ
doJ
notJ
reallyJ
believeJ
IJ
willJ
hallucinate
noJ
matterJ
whatJ
typeJ
ofJ
drugsJ
heJ
givesJ
me,J
especially
sinceJ
IJ
knowJ
heJ
willJ
notJ
beJ
givingJ
meJ
LSDJ
orJ
anything
likeJ
that.J
IJ
..gureJ
weakerJ
peopleJ
probablyJ
complain
about their drugs, but I am not weak and can control my
mind pretty wellZ
IJ
amJ
inJ
theJ
basementJ
doingJ
shotsJ
ofJ
water,J
takingJ
my
three-minuteJ
breakJ
betweenJ
crunchesJ
onJ
theJ
Stomach
MasterJ
6000J
andJ
legJ
liftsJ
onJ
theJ
weightJ
bench,J
whenJ
f
]
s
smellJ
theJ
unmistakableJ
butteryJ
..avorJ
ofJ
myJ
motherscrabby snacks and I start to salivate unmercifullyZ
BecauseJ
IJ
loveJ
crabbyJ
snacks,J
IJ
leaveJ
theJ
basement,
enterJ
theJ
kitchen,J
andJ
seeJ
thatJ
myJ
motherJ
isJ
notJ
only
bakingJ
crabbyJ
snacks,J
whichJ
areJ
butteredJ
crabmeatJ
and
orange cheese on English mu..ns, but she is also making
herJ
homemadeJ
three-meatsJ
pizzahamburger,J
sausage,
andJ
chickenandJ
thoseJ
bu..aloJ
wingsJ
sheJ
getsJ
fromJ
BigFoodsZ
Why are you cooking crabby snacks? I ask hopefully,
because I know from past experience that she only cooks
crabby snacks when we are having companyZ
Nikki loves crabby snacks and will eat a whole plate ifyouJ
setJ
itJ
inJ
frontJ
ofJ
her,J
andJ
thenJ
sheJ
willJ
complain
laterJ
onJ
theJ
rideJ
home,J
sayingJ
sheJ
isJ
feelingJ
fatJ
because
sheJ
hasJ
eatenJ
tooJ
much.J
BackJ
whenJ
IJ
wasJ
emotionally
abusive, I used to tell her that I did not want to hear her
complaintsJ
everyJ
timeJ
sheJ
ateJ
tooJ
much.J
ButJ
theJ
next
timeJ
NikkiJ
eatsJ
tooJ
manyJ
crabbyJ
snacks,J
IJ
amJ
goingJ
to
tellJ
herJ
sheJ
did notJ
eatJ
tooJ
muchJ
andJ
thatJ
sheJ
looksJ
too
skinnyJ
anyway;J
IllJ
sayJ
sheJ
needsJ
toJ
gainJ
aJ
fewJ
pounds
becauseJ
IJ
likeJ
myJ
womenJ
lookingJ
likeJ
womenJ
andJ
not
like Ms. Six OClockstraight up, straight down, whichis another term I learned from D
annyZ
AndJ
IJ
doJ
hopeJ
myJ
mothersJ
makingJ
crabbyJ
snackssigni..esJ
thatJ
apartJ
timeJ
isJ
overJ
becauseJ
NikkiJ
isJ
onJ
her
wayJ
toJ
myJ
parentsJ
house,J
whichJ
seemsJ
likeJ
theJ
besI
_
_
]
u]
]
]
s
coming-homeJ
surpriseJ
myJ
motherJ
couldJ
cookJ
upand
as Mom is always trying to do nice things for me and my
brother,J
IJ
mentallyJ
prepareJ
myselfJ
toJ
beJ
reunitedJ
with
NikkiZ
MyJ
heartJ
poundsJ
atJ
leastJ
..ftyJ
timesJ
duringJ
theJ
few
seconds it takes for my mother to answer my questionZ
TheJ
EaglesJ
areJ
playingJ
theJ
SteelersJ
tonightJ
inJ
a
preseasonJ
exhibitionJ
game,J
myJ
motherJ
says,J
whichJ
is
weirdJ
becauseJ
MomJ
hasJ
alwaysJ
hatedJ
sportsJ
andJ
barely
knowsJ
thatJ
footballJ
seasonJ
isJ
inJ
theJ
fall,J
letJ
aloneJ
what
teamsJ
areJ
playingJ
onJ
aJ
givenJ
day.J
YourJ
brotherJ
is
comingJ
overJ
toJ
watchJ
theJ
gameJ
withJ
youJ
andJ
your
father.^
MyJ
heartJ
startsJ
beatingJ
evenJ
fasterJ
becauseJ
IJ
haveJ
not
seen my brother since shortly after apart time began, and
likeJ
myJ
father,J
heJ
saidJ
someJ
reallyJ
awfulJ
thingsJ
about
Nikki the last time we talkedZ
Jake is looking forward to seeing you, and you know
howJ
muchJ
yourJ
fatherJ
lovesJ
theJ
Eagles.J
IJ
cantJ
waitJ
to
haveJ
allJ
threeJ
ofJ
myJ
menJ
gatheredJ
aroundJ
theJ
couch
again,J
justJ
likeJ
oldJ
times.J
MyJ
motherJ
smilesJ
atJ
meJ
so
hard I think she is going to break out in tears again, so I
turnJ
aroundJ
andJ
goJ
backJ
intoJ
theJ
basementJ
toJ
do
knuckle push-ups until my pecs burn and I can no longer
feel my knucklesZ
Knowing that I will probably not be allowed to go foV
my run later, because we are having a family night, I puI
_
Q
u]
_
u
onJ
aJ
trashJ
bagJ
andJ
runJ
early,J
passingJ
myJ
highJ
school
friendsJ
homes;J
passingJ
St.J
Josephs,J
whichJ
isJ
the
CatholicJ
churchJ
IJ
usedJ
toJ
attend;J
passingJ
Collingswood
HighJ
SchoolJ
(classJ
ofJ
'89J
rules!)J
andJ
theJ
houseJ
my
grandparents used to own by the park before they diedZ
MyJ
oldJ
bestJ
friendJ
seesJ
meJ
whenJ
IJ
runJ
pastJ
hisJ
new
houseJ
onJ
VirginiaJ
Avenue.J
RonnieJ
isJ
justJ
gettingJ
home
from work, walking from his car to his front door, when
I pass him on the sidewalk. He looks me in the eyes, and
afterJ
IJ
haveJ
passed,J
heJ
yells,J
PatJ
Peoples? IsJ
thatJ
you?
Pat!J
Hey!J
IJ
runJ
evenJ
harder,J
becauseJ
myJ
brother,J
Jake,
isJ
comingJ
toJ
talkJ
toJ
me;J
JakeJ
doesJ
notJ
believeJ
inJ
happy
endings, and I do not have the emotional wherewithal to
deal with Ronnie right now, because he never once came
toJ
visitJ
NikkiJ
andJ
meJ
inJ
Baltimore,J
althoughJ
he
promisedJ
soJ
manyJ
times.J
NikkiJ
usedJ
toJ
callJ
Ronnie
whipped,J
sayingJ
thatJ
hisJ
wife,J
Veronica,J
keeps
RonniesJ
socialJ
calendarJ
whereJ
sheJ
keepsJ
hisJ
ballsin
her purse.^
NikkiJ
toldJ
meJ
thatJ
RonnieJ
wouldJ
neverJ
visitJ
meJ
in
Baltimore, and she was rightZ
HeJ
neverJ
visitedJ
meJ
inJ
theJ
badJ
placeJ
either,J
butJ
he
usedJ
toJ
writeJ
meJ
lettersJ
aboutJ
howJ
greatJ
hisJ
daughter,
Emily,J
wasJ
andJ
IJ
guessJ
is,J
althoughJ
IJ
haveJ
notJ
yetJ
meI
Emily to verify the lettersZ
When I return home, Jakes car is therea fancy silver
BMW,J
whichJ
sortJ
ofJ
impliesJ
thatJ
myJ
brotherJ
isJ
doind
]
sys
wellJ
nowJ
whenJ
it comesJ
toJ
pocketsJ
gettingJ
fatter,J
as
DannyJ
says.J
SoJ
IJ
sneakJ
inJ
theJ
backJ
doorJ
andJ
runJ
upJ
the
stepsJ
toJ
theJ
shower.J
AfterJ
IJ
washJ
andJ
putJ
onJ
clean
clothes,J
IJ
takeJ
aJ
deepJ
breathJ
andJ
followJ
theJ
soundJ
of
conversation to the living roomZ
JakeJ
standsJ
whenJ
heJ
seesJ
me.J
HeJ
hasJ
onJ
fancyJ
pants,
linedJ
withJ
charcoalJ
pinstripes,J
andJ
aJ
robins-eggJ
blue
poloJ
shirtJ
thatJ
isJ
form..ttingJ
enoughJ
toJ
showJ
thatJ
heJ
is
still pretty ..t. He is also wearing a watch with diamonds
allJ
overJ
theJ
face,J
whichJ
DannyJ
wouldJ
callJ
JakesJ
bling-
bling.J
MyJ
brothersJ
hairJ
hasJ
thinnedJ
aJ
littleJ
too,J
butJ
his
head is gelled and looks swankyZ
Pat? he saysZ
Didnt I say you wouldnt recognize him? Mom saysZ
YouJ
lookJ
likeJ
ArnoldJ
Schwarzenegger.J
HeJ
feelsJ
my
bicep,J
whichJ
IJ
absolutelyJ
hateJ
becauseJ
IJ
dontJ
likeJ
toJ
be
touched by anyone except Nikki. Since hes my brother, I
dont say anything. Youre frickin ripped, he addsZ
IJ
lookJ
atJ
theJ
..oor,J
becauseJ
IJ
rememberJ
whatJ
heJ
said
aboutJ
NikkiIJ
amJ
stillJ
madJ
aboutJ
thatandJ
yetJ
IJ
aa
alsoJ
happyJ
toJ
seeJ
myJ
brotherJ
afterJ
notJ
seeingJ
himJ
for
what feels like foreverZ
Listen,J
Pat.J
IJ
shouldJ
haveJ
comeJ
toJ
seeJ
youJ
moreJ
in
Baltimore,J
butJ
thoseJ
placesJ
freakJ
meJ
outJ
andJ
IJ
J
IJ
J
I
justJ
couldntJ
seeJ
youJ
likeJ
that,J
okay?J
AreJ
youJ
madJ
aI
me?^
I am sort of still mad at Jake, but suddenly I remembeV
]
]
Q
sQ
_
anotherJ
oneJ
ofJ
DannysJ
linesJ
thatJ
isJ
tooJ
appropriateJ
to
leave unsaid, so I say, Got nothin but love for ya.^
Jake looks at me for a second as if I had punched him
in the gut. He blinks a few times almost as if he is going
to cry, and then he hugs me with both arms. Im sorry,
heJ
says,J
andJ
holdsJ
meJ
forJ
longerJ
thanJ
IJ
like,J
whichJ
isnt
very longunless its Nikki hugging meZ
WhenJ
heJ
letsJ
go,J
JakeJ
says,J
IJ
gotJ
aJ
presentJ
forJ
you.
HeJ
pullsJ
an EaglesJ
jerseyJ
outJ
ofJ
aJ
plasticJ
bagJ
andJ
tosses
itJ
toJ
me.J
IJ
holdJ
itJ
upJ
andJ
seeJ
itsJ
numberJ
84,J
whichJ
I
recognize as a wide receivers number, but I do not know
theJ
name.J
IsntJ
thatJ
youngJ
receiverJ
FreddieJ
Mitchell
number 84? I think but do not say, because I dont want
toJ
insultJ
myJ
brother,J
whoJ
wasJ
niceJ
enoughJ
toJ
buyJ
meJ
a
presentZ
WhosJ
Baskett?J
IJ
ask,J
whichJ
isJ
theJ
nameJ
onJ
the
jerseyZ
R
ndraftedJ
rookieJ
sensationJ
HankJ
Baskett?J
HesJ
the
preseasonJ
story.J
TheseJ
jerseysJ
areJ
hotJ
onJ
theJ
streetsJ
of
Philadelphia.J
AndJ
nowJ
youJ
haveJ
oneJ
toJ
wearJ
toJ
thT
games this year.^
Wear to the games?^
NowJ
thatJ
youreJ
home,J
youreJ
gonnaJ
wantJ
yourJ
ol`
seat back, right?^
At the Vet?^
TheJ
Vet?J
JakeJ
laughsJ
andJ
looksJ
atJ
myJ
mother.J
M_
mother looks scared. Noat Lincoln Financial Field.^
s]
]
Whats Lincoln Financial Field?^
DidntJ
theyJ
letJ
youJ
watchJ
TVJ
inJ
thatJ
place?J
ItsJ
the
home of the Eagles, the stadium your teams played three
seasons in now.^
I know Jake is lying to me, but I dont say anythingZ
Anyway, you got a seat right next to mine and Scotts.
Season tickets, bro. Are you psyched, or what?^
IJ
dontJ
haveJ
anyJ
moneyJ
forJ
seasonJ
tickets,J
IJ
say,
becauseJ
IJ
letJ
NikkiJ
haveJ
theJ
houseJ
andJ
theJ
carsJ
andJ
the
bank accounts when apart time beganZ
IJ
gotJ
yourJ
back.J
JakeJ
punchesJ
meJ
inJ
theJ
arm.J
I
mightJ
notJ
haveJ
beenJ
aJ
goodJ
brotherJ
forJ
theJ
pastJ
few
years,J
butJ
ImJ
gonnaJ
makeJ
upJ
forJ
allJ
thatJ
nowJ
that
youre home.^
IJ
thankJ
myJ
brother,J
andJ
thenJ
MomJ
startsJ
cryingJ
again.
She cries so hard that she has to leave the room, which is
weird, since Jake and I are making up and season tickets
toJ
theJ
EaglesJ
areJ
quiteJ
aJ
niceJ
presentnotJ
toJ
mention
the jerseyZ
Put on your Baskett jersey, bro.^
IJ
putJ
itJ
on,J
andJ
itJ
feelsJ
goodJ
toJ
beJ
wearingJ
Eagles
green, especially a jersey that Jake picked out special for
meZ
You wait and see how good your boy Baskett is going
toJ
beJ
thisJ
year,J
JakeJ
saysJ
inJ
aJ
strangeJ
way,J
asJ
ifJ
my
futureJ
wereJ
somehowJ
linkedJ
toJ
theJ
EaglesJ
rookieJ
widT
uQ
]
s
receiverHank BaskettZ
The Concrete Doughnu]
I notice that my father waits until the game is just about
to begin before he comes into the family room. It is only
preseason,W
soW
weW
doW
notW
engageW
inW
anyW
ofW
theW
regular-
seasonW
game-dayW
rituals,W
butW
DadW
hasW
putW
onW
hisW
number
5W
McNabbW
jerseyW
andW
nowW
sitsW
onW
theW
edgeW
ofW
theW
couch,
readyW
toW
jumpW
outW
ofW
hisW
seat.W
HeW
nodsW
atW
myW
brother
solemnlyW
butW
completelyW
ignoresW
me,W
evenW
afterW
IW
heard
my mother say, Please, just try to talk to Pat when they
wereW
arguingW
inW
theW
kitchen.W
MomW
putsW
theW
foodW
on
foldingW
tables,W
takesW
aW
seatW
nextW
toW
Jake,W
andW
weW
allW
start
to eatl
TheW
foodW
isW
excellent,W
butW
IW
amW
theW
onlyW
oneW
toW
sayW
so.
MomW
seemsW
happyW
toW
getW
theW
compliment,W
saying,W
Are
youW
sureW
itsW
allW
right?W
likeW
sheW
does,W
becauseW
sheW
is
modestW
whenW
itW
comesW
toW
cooking,W
evenW
thoughW
sheW
isW
a
great cookl
WhatW
doW
youW
thinkW
theW
BirdsW
willW
doW
thisW
year,W
Dad?
Jake asksl
{
Eight and eight, my dad answers pessimistically, like
he always does at the beginning of every NFL seasonl
Eleven and ..ve, my brother says, to which my father
shakes his head andW
blows airW
through hisW
teeth. Eleven
andW
..ve?W
myW
brotherW
asksW
me,W
andW
IW
nodW
becauseW
IW
am
optimistic, and winning eleven games would most likely
putW
theW
EaglesW
inW
theW
play-o..s.W
SinceW
weW
haveW
season
tickets, I know we are assured play-o.. tickets should the
Birds earn a homeW
game, andW
theres nothingW
better than
an Eagles play-off gamel
Now, I admit that I have not been keeping up with the
Birds in the o..-season, but when the starting lineups are
announced,W
IW
amW
reallyW
surprisedW
thatW
manyW
ofW
my
favoriteW
playersW
areW
noW
longerW
onW
theW
team.W
DuceW
Staley.
HughW
Douglas.W
JamesW
Thrash.W
CoreyW
Simon.W
AllW
gone.W
a
wantW
toW
ask,W
When?W
Why?W
butW
dont,W
fearingW
myW
father
andW
brotherW
willW
thinkW
IW
amW
notW
aW
trueW
fanW
anymore,
whichW
theyW
saidW
wouldW
happenW
whenW
IW
..rstW
movedW
to
Baltimore with Nikki and gave up my season ticketl
ToW
myW
surprise,W
theW
BirdsW
areW
alsoW
notW
playingW
in
VeteransW
Stadium,W
butW
atW
LincolnW
FinancialW
Field,W
just
likeW
JakeW
hadW
said.W
SomehowW
theyW
haveW
builtW
anW
entire
stadium since last season, and I must have missed all the
hypeW
becauseW
IW
wasW
stuckW
inW
theW
badW
place.W
Still,
something does not really seem right to mel
WhereW
isW
LincolnW
FinancialW
Field?W
IW
tryW
toW
ask
nonchalantlyW
whenW
theW
commercialsW
comeW
onW
afterW
thV
[
twt[
c[
tt
first seriesl
My father turns his head and stares at me but does not
answerW
myW
question.W
HeW
hatesW
me.W
HeW
looksW
repulsed,
likeW
itW
isW
aW
choreW
toW
sitW
inW
theW
familyW
roomW
watchingW
the
game with his mentally messed-up sonl
ItsW
inW
SouthW
Philadelphia,W
justW
likeW
allW
theW
other
stadiums,W
myW
brotherW
saysW
tooW
quickly.W
GoodW
crabby
snacks, Mom.y
CanW
youW
seeW
LincolnW
FinancialW
FieldW
fromW
theW
Vet?W
I
askl
The Vets gone, Jake saysl
Gone? I ask. What do you mean, gone?y
MarchW
21,W
2004.W
SevenW
a.m.W
ItW
fellW
likeW
aW
houseW
of
cards, my father says without looking at me, just before
suckingW
anW
orangeW
pieceW
ofW
meatW
fromW
aW
chickenW
bone.
Over two years ago.y
What?W
IW
wasW
atW
theW
VetW
justW
lastW
W
IW
pauseW
becauseW
I
startW
toW
feelW
aW
littleW
dizzyW
andW
nauseous.W
WhatW
yearW
did
you just say?y
MyW
fatherW
opensW
hisW
mouthW
toW
speak,W
butW
myW
mother
cutsW
himW
o..,W
saying,W
AW
lotW
hasW
changedW
sinceW
youW
were
away.y
Still, I refuse to believe the Vet is gone, even after Jake
retrievesW
hisW
laptopW
fromW
hisW
carW
andW
showsW
meW
a
downloadedW
videoW
ofW
theW
VetW
beingW
imploded.W
Veterans
Stadiumwhich we used to call the concrete doughnut>
]
_
g
[
g
_
]
[
]
[
[
]
_
ut
fallsW
likeW
aW
circleW
ofW
dominoes,W
grayW
dustW
..llsW
theW
screen,
andW
itW
breaksW
myW
heartW
toW
seeW
thatW
placeW
crumble,W
even
thoughW
IW
suspectW
thatW
whatW
IW
amW
viewingW
isW
a
computergenerated trickl
When I was a boy, my father took me to many Phillies
gamesW
atW
theW
Vet,W
andW
ofW
courseW
thereW
wereW
allW
ofW
the
EaglesW
gamesW
withW
Jake,W
soW
itW
isW
hardW
toW
believeW
suchW
a
bigW
monumentW
toW
myW
childhoodW
couldW
beW
destroyed
whileW
IW
wasW
inW
theW
badW
place.W
TheW
videoW
ends,W
andW
IW
ask
my mother if I can talk to her in the other rooml
Whats wrong? she says when we reach the kitchenl
Dr.W
PatelW
saidW
thatW
myW
newW
medicationW
mightW
make
me hallucinate.y
Okay.y
IW
thinkW
IW
justW
sawW
VeteransW
StadiumW
demolishedW
on
Jakes computer.y
Honey,W
youW
did.W
ItW
wasW
demolishedW
overW
twoW
years
ago.y
What year is it?y
She hesitates, and then says, Two thousand and six.y
ThatW
wouldW
makeW
meW
thirty-four.W
ApartW
timeW
would
have been in progress for four years. Impossible, I think.
How do I know I am not hallucinating right now? How
doW
IW
knowW
youreW
notW
aW
hallucination?W
YoureW
all
hallucinations!W
AllW
ofW
you!W
IW
realizeW
IW
amW
screaming,W
but
I cant help itl
[
]
]
MomW
shakesW
herW
head,W
triesW
toW
touchW
myW
cheek,W
butW
I
swat her hand away and she starts crying againl
HowW
longW
wasW
IW
inW
theW
badW
place?W
HowW
long?W
Tell
me!y
WhatsW
goingW
onW
inW
there?W
myW
fatherW
yells.W
Were
trying to watch the game!y
Shhhh! my mother says through tearsl
How long? I yelll
TellW
him,W
Jeanie!W
GoW
ahead!W
HesW
goingW
toW
..ndW
out
soonerW
orW
later!W
myW
fatherW
yellsW
fromW
theW
familyW
room.
Tell him!y
IW
grabW
myW
mothersW
shoulders,W
shakeW
herW
soW
herW
head
wobbles all over, and yell, How long?y
AlmostW
fourW
years,W
JakeW
says.W
IW
lookW
backW
overW
my
shoulder,W
andW
myW
brotherW
isW
inW
theW
kitchenW
doorway.
Now let go of Mom.y
FourW
years?W
IW
laughW
andW
letW
goW
ofW
myW
mothers
shoulders. She covers her mouth with her hands, and her
eyes are full of pity and tears. Why are you guys playing
jokes ony
IW
hearW
myW
motherW
scream,W
IW
feelW
theW
backW
ofW
myW
head
hit the refrigerator, and then my mind goes blankl
I Fear Him More Than Any Other HumaV
Bein]
AfterJ
IJ
returnedJ
toJ
NewJ
Jersey,J
IJ
thoughtJ
IJ
wasJ
safe,
becauseJ
IJ
didJ
notJ
thinkJ
KennyJ
G couldJ
leaveJ
theJ
bad
place,J
whichJ
IJ
realizeJ
isJ
sillyJ
nowbecauseJ
KennyJ
GJ
is
extremelyJ
talentedJ
andJ
resourcefulJ
andJ
aJ
powerfulJ
force
to be reckoned withm
IJ
haveJ
beenJ
sleepingJ
inJ
theJ
atticJ
becauseJ
itJ
isJ
so
ferociouslyJ
hotJ
upJ
here.J
AfterJ
myJ
parentsJ
goJ
toJ
bed,J
I
climb the stairs, turn o.. the ventilation fan, slip into my
oldJ
winterJ
sleepingJ
bag,J
zipperJ
itJ
upJ
soJ
onlyJ
myJ
faceJ
is
exposed,J
andJ
thenJ
sweatJ
awayJ
theJ
pounds.J
WithoutJ
the
ventilationJ
fanJ
running,J
theJ
temperatureJ
climbsJ
quickly,
andJ
soonJ
myJ
sleepingJ
bagJ
isJ
drenchedJ
withJ
perspiration
andJ
IJ
canJ
feelJ
myselfJ
gettingJ
thinner.J
IJ
hadJ
doneJ
thisJ
for
severalJ
nights,J
andJ
nothingJ
strangeJ
orJ
unusualJ
happened
at allm
ButJ
inJ
theJ
atticJ
tonightJ
ImJ
sweatingJ
andJ
sweatingJ
an_
[
gmgdg_
sweating,J
andJ
throughJ
theJ
darkness,J
suddenlyJ
IJ
hearJ
the
sexyJ
synthesizerJ
chords.J
IJ
keepJ
myJ
eyesJ
closed,J
humJ
a
singleJ
note,J
andJ
silently countJ
toJ
ten,J
knowingJ
thatJ
IJ
am
onlyJ
hallucinatingJ
likeJ
Dr.J
PatelJ
saidJ
IJ
might,J
butJ
Kenny
slaps me across the face, and when I open my eyes, there
heJ
isJ
inJ
myJ
parentsJ
attic,J
hisJ
curlyJ
maneJ
ofJ
hairJ
haloed
like Jesus. The perfectly tanned forehead, thatJ
nose, that
eternalJ
..veJ
oclockJ
shadowJ
andJ
sharpJ
jawline.J
TheJ
top
threeJ
buttonsJ
ofJ
hisJ
shirtJ
areJ
undoneJ
soJ
thatJ
youJ
canJ
see
aJ
littleJ
chestJ
hair.J
Mr.J
GJ
mightJ
notJ
seemJ
evil,J
butJ
IJ
fear
him more than any other human beingm
How? How did you find me? I ask himm
KennyJ
GJ
winksJ
atJ
meJ
andJ
thenJ
putsJ
hisJ
gleaming
soprano sax to his lipsm
I shiver, even though I am drenched in sweat. Please,
I beg him, just leave me alone!x
ButJ
heJ
takesJ
aJ
deepJ
breathJ
andJ
hisJ
sopranoJ
saxJ
startc
toJ
singJ
theJ
brightJ
notesJ
ofJ
SongbirdandJ
immediately
ImJ
uprightJ
inJ
myJ
sleepingJ
bag,J
repetitivelyJ
slamming
the heel of my right hand into the little white scar above
my right eyebrow, trying to make the music stopKenny
GsJ
hipsJ
areJ
swayingJ
rightJ
beforeJ
myJ
eyeswithJ
every
brain jolt Im yelling, Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!the end
ofJ
hisJ
instrumentJ
isJ
inJ
myJ
face,J
poundingJ
meJ
with
smoothJ
jazzIJ
feelJ
theJ
bloodJ
rushingJ
upJ
intoJ
my
foreheadKennyJ
GsJ
soloJ
hasJ
reachedJ
aJ
climaxbang,
bang, bang, bangk
]
]
]
AndJ
thenJ
myJ
motherJ
andJ
fatherJ
areJ
tryingJ
toJ
restrain
myJ
arms,J
butJ
ImJ
screaming,J
StopJ
playingJ
thatJ
song!
Just stop! Please!x
WhenJ
myJ
motherJ
getsJ
knockedJ
toJ
theJ
..oor,J
myJ
father
kicksJ
meJ
hardJ
inJ
theJ
stomachwhichJ
makesJ
KennyJ
G
vanish and kills the musicand when I fall back gasping
forJ
air,J
DadJ
jumpsJ
onJ
myJ
chestJ
andJ
punchesJ
meJ
inJ
the
cheek,J
andJ
suddenlyJ
myJ
momJ
isJ
tryingJ
toJ
pullJ
DadJ
o..
me and Im sobbing like a baby; my mother isJ
screaming
at my father, telling him to stop hitting me, and then hes
o..J
meJ
andJ
shesJ
tellingJ
meJ
everythingJ
isJ
goingJ
toJ
be
okay even after my father has punched me in the face as
hard as he couldm
ThatsJ
it,J
Jeanie.J
HesJ
goingJ
backJ
toJ
thatJ
hospitalJ
in
theJ
morning.J
FirstJ
thing,J
myJ
fatherJ
says,J
andJ
then
stomps down the stairsm
I can hardly think, Im sobbing so loudlym
MyJ
motherJ
sitsJ
downJ
nextJ
toJ
meJ
andJ
says,J
ItsJ
okayd
Pat. Im here.x
IJ
putJ
myJ
headJ
inJ
myJ
mothersJ
lapJ
andJ
cryJ
myselfJ
to
sleep as Mom strokes my hairm
When I open my eyes, the ventilation fan is back on, sun
isJ
streamingJ
throughJ
theJ
screenJ
inJ
theJ
nearestJ
window,
and Mom is still stroking my hairm
HowJ
didJ
youJ
sleep?J
sheJ
asksJ
me,J
forcingJ
aJ
smilem
d_
ug
kQ
]
ml
Her eyes are red and her cheeks are streaked with tearsm
For a second it feels nice to be lying next to my mom,
theJ
weight ofJ
her smallJ
hand onJ
my head,J
her soft voice
lingeringJ
inJ
myJ
ear,J
butJ
soonJ
theJ
memoryJ
ofJ
what
happened the night before forces me to sit upand then
myJ
heartJ
isJ
poundingJ
andJ
aJ
waveJ
ofJ
dreadJ
courses
through my limbs. Dont send me back to the bad place.
ImJ
sorry.J
ImJ
soJ
sorry.J
Please,J
IJ
begJ
her,J
pleadingJ
with
everythingJ
IJ
have,J
becauseJ
thatsJ
howJ
muchJ
IJ
hateJ
the
bad place and pessimistic Dr. Timbersm
YoureJ
stayingJ
rightJ
hereJ
withJ
us,J
MomJ
says
lookingJ
meJ
inJ
theJ
eyesJ
likeJ
sheJ
doesJ
whenJ
sheJ
isJ
telling
the truthand then she kisses me on the cheekm
We go down to the kitchen, where she cooks me some
delicious eggs scrambled with cheese and tomatoes, and I
actually swallow all of my pills because I feel I owe it to
Mom after knocking her down and upsetting my fatherm
IJ
amJ
shockedJ
whenJ
IJ
lookJ
atJ
theJ
clockJ
andJ
seeJ
itJ
is
alreadyJ
11:00J
a.m.J
SoJ
IJ
startJ
myJ
workoutJ
asJ
soonJ
asJ
my
plateJ
isJ
clean,J
double-timingJ
everythingJ
justJ
toJ
keepJ
up
with my routinem
The Dress-up DinneY
Ronnie ..nally comes to visit me in my basement and
says, Im on my way home, so I only have a few
minutes.
As I ..nish my set of bench presses, I smirk because I
know what that statement means. Veronica does not
know he has come to see me, and Ronnie needs to keep
it quick if he does not want to get caught doing
something without Veronicas permissionsomething
like saying hello to his best friend, whom he has not
seen for a long time.
When I sit up, he says, What happened to your face?
I touch my forehead. My hands slipped yesterday, and
I dropped the bar on myself.
And it made your cheek all puffy like that?
I shrug because I do not really want to tell him my
father punched me.
Man, you really have trimmed down and bulked up. I
like your gym, he says, eyeballing my weight bench and
Stomach Master 6000, and then he sticks out his hand.
Think I could come over and work out with you?
I stand, shake his hand, and say, Sure, knowing the
question is only yet another one of Ronnies false
promises.
Listen, Im sorry I never came to see you when you
were in Baltimore, but we had Emily, and well, you
know how it is. But I felt like the letters kept us close.
And now that youre home, we can hang out all the time,
right?
As if, I start to say, but then bite my tongue.
As ifwhat?
Nothing.
You still think Veronica hates you?
I keep my mouth shut.
He smiles and says, Well, if she hated you, would she
be inviting you over for dinner tomorrow night?
I look at Ronnie, trying to gauge whether he is serious
or not.
Veronicas making a big meal to welcome you home.
So are you coming, or what?
Sure, I say, still not believing my ears, because
Ronnies promises usually do not come with speci..c
words like tomorrow attached.
Great. Be at my house at seven oclock for drinks.
Dinners at eight, and its going to be one of the wifes
formal candlelit three-course meals, so wear something
nice, okay? You know how Veronica is about her dress-
up dinners, he says, and then hugs sweaty me, which I
tolerate only because I am so shocked by Veronicas
invitation. With a hand on my shoulder, Ronnie looks
me in the eye and says, Man, its good to have you
home, Pat.
As I watch him jog up the stairs, I think about how
much trash Nikki and I would talk about Ronnie and
Veronica if apart time were over and Nikki was going to
the dress-up dinner with me.
Dress-up dinner, Nikki would say. Are we in
elementary school?
God, Nikki hates Veronica.
If I BackslidT
KnowingK
thatK
ifK
IK
wearK
theK
wrongK
thing,K
VeronicaK
will
sayK
IK
haveK
ruinedK
herK
nighttheK
wayK
sheK
didK
thatK
one
time when I wore Bermuda shorts and sandals to a dress-
upK
dinnerIK
cantK
stopK
thinkingK
aboutK
whatK
IK
amK
going
toK
wearK
toK
herK
dinnerK
party,K
soK
muchK
thatK
IK
dontK
even
rememberK
itsK
Friday,K
andK
therefore,K
timeK
toK
seeK
Dr.
Patel,K
untilK
MomK
callsK
downK
inK
theK
middleK
ofK
my
workout,K
saying,K
WereK
leavingK
inK
..fteenK
minutes.K
HiZ
the shower!*
In the cloud room, I pick the brown chair. We recline,
andK
Cli..K
says,K
YourK
motherK
tellsK
meK
youveK
hadK
quiteK
a
week. Want to talk about it?*
SoK
IK
tellK
himK
aboutK
VeronicasK
dress-upK
partyK
andK
how
my old dress clothes dont ..t because I have lost so much
weight, and I have no swanky clothes other than the shirt
myK
brotherK
hasK
recentlyK
givenK
me,K
andK
IK
amK
pretty
stressedK
outK
aboutK
goingK
toK
aK
dinnerK
partyK
andK
wishK
I
couldK
justK
spendK
someK
timeK
aloneK
withK
RonnieK
liftinY
Q
lhl
weights,K
soK
thatK
IK
wouldK
notK
haveK
toK
seeK
Veronica,K
who
even Nikki says is a mean personj
Dr. Patel nods a few times like he does, and then says,
DoK
youK
likeK
theK
newK
shirtK
yourK
brotherK
gaveK
you?K
DW
you feel comfortable wearing it?*
I tell him I absolutely love my new shirtj
So wear that one to the dress-up dinner, and Im sure
Veronica will like it too.*
AreK
youK
sure?K
IK
ask.K
BecauseK
VeronicaK
isK
really
particularK
aboutK
whatK
youK
shouldK
wearK
toK
dinne\
parties.*
ImK
sure,K
heK
says,K
whichK
makesK
meK
feelK
aK
wholeK
lot
betterj
What about pants?*
Whats wrong with the pants you have on now?*
IK
lookK
downK
atK
theK
tanK
khakisK
myK
momK
purchasedK
for
me at the Gap the other day because she says I shouldnt
wearK
sweatpantsK
toK
myK
doctorsK
appointments,K
andK
even
thoughK
theK
pantsK
areK
notK
asK
swankyK
asK
myK
newK
Eagles
jersey,K
theyK
doK
lookK
okay,K
soK
IK
shrugK
andK
stopK
worrying
about what to wear to Veronicas dinner partyj
Cli..K
triesK
toK
getK
meK
toK
talkK
aboutK
KennyK
G,K
butK
IK
only
closeK
myK
eyes,K
humK
aK
singleK
note,K
andK
silentlyK
countK
to
ten every time he says Mr. Gs namej
ThenK
Cli..K
saysK
heK
knowsK
thatK
IK
haveK
beenK
roughK
wit[
my mother, shaking her in the kitchen and knocking he\
yh,hhh[
h
downK
inK
theK
attic,K
whichK
makesK
meK
reallyK
sadK
becauseK
I
love my mom so much and she rescued me from the bad
placeK
andK
hasK
evenK
signedK
allK
thoseK
legalK
documents
andK
yetK
IK
cannotK
rightlyK
denyK
whatK
Cli..K
hasK
said.K
My
chestK
heatsK
upK
withK
guiltK
untilK
IK
cantK
takeK
it.K
TruthK
be
told,K
IK
breakK
downK
andK
crysobbingforK
atK
leastK
..vT
minutesj
YourK
motherK
isK
riskingK
aK
lot,K
becauseK
sheK
believesK
in
you.*
His words make me cry even harderj
You want to be a good person, dont you, Pat?*
I nod. I cry. I do want to be a good person. I really doj
ImK
goingK
toK
upK
yourK
meds,K
Dr.K
PatelK
tellsK
me.K
You
mightK
feelK
aK
littleK
sluggish,K
butK
itK
shouldK
helpK
toK
curb
yourK
violentK
outbursts.K
YouK
needK
toK
knowK
itsK
your
actionsK
thatK
willK
makeK
youK
aK
goodK
person,K
notK
desirej
AndK
ifK
youK
haveK
anyK
moreK
episodes,K
IK
mightK
haveK
to
recommend that you go back to the neural health facility
for more intensive treatments, which*
No.K
Please.K
IllK
beK
good,K
IK
sayK
quickly,K
knowingK
that
NikkiK
isK
lessK
likelyK
toK
returnK
ifK
IK
backslideK
intoK
theK
bad
place. Trust me.*
I do, Dr. Patel replies with a smilej
I Dont Know How This WorkV
AfterJ
someJ
moreJ
liftingJ
inJ
theJ
basement,J
IJ
putJ
onJ
my
trashJ
bagJ
andJ
runJ
myJ
tenJ
miles.J
Afterward,J
IJ
shower,
sprayJ
someJ
ofJ
myJ
fathersJ
cologne,J
andJ
walkJ
intoJ
the
mistjustJ
likeJ
MomJ
taughtJ
meJ
toJ
doJ
backJ
inJ
high
school. I roll on some underarm deodorant and then don
my new khakis and my Hank Baskett jerseyg
WhenJ
IJ
askJ
myJ
motherJ
howJ
IJ
look,J
sheJ
says,J
Very
handsome. SoJ
handsome.J
ButJ
doJ
youJ
reallyJ
thinkJ
you
shouldJ
wearJ
yourJ
EaglesJ
jerseyJ
toJ
aJ
dinnerJ
party?J
You
canJ
wearJ
oneJ
ofJ
theJ
GapJ
shirtsJ
IJ
boughtJ
you,J
orJ
youJ
can
borrow one of your fathers polo shirts.L
Its okay, I say, and smile con..dently. Dr. Patel said
wearing this shirt was a good idea.L
DidJ
he?J
myJ
momJ
saysJ
withJ
aJ
laugh,J
andJ
thenJ
she
removes an arrangement of ..owers and a bottle of white
wine from the refrigeratorg
Whats this?L
GiveJ
theseJ
toJ
VeronicaJ
andJ
tellJ
herJ
IJ
saidJ
thanksg
|
.
RonniesJ
beenJ
aJ
goodJ
friendJ
toJ
you.J
AndJ
thenJ
Mom
looks like she is going to cry againg
IJ
kissJ
herJ
goodbye,J
andJ
withJ
myJ
handsJ
fullJ
ofJ
..owers
andJ
wine,J
IJ
walkJ
downJ
theJ
streetJ
andJ
acrossJ
Knights
Park to Ronnies houseg
Ronnie answers the door wearing a shirt and tie, which
makesJ
meJ
feelJ
likeJ
Dr.J
PatelJ
wasJ
wrongJ
afterJ
allJ
andJ
I
amJ
underdressed.J
ButJ
RonnieJ
looksJ
atJ
myJ
newJ
jersey,
checksJ
theJ
nameJ
onJ
theJ
backprobablyJ
toJ
makeJ
sureJ
I
amJ
notJ
wearingJ
anJ
outdatedJ
FreddieJ
MitchellJ
jersey
andJ
says,J
HankJ
BaskettJ
isJ
theJ
man!J
WhereJ
didJ
youJ
geO
thatJ
jerseyJ
thisJ
earlyJ
inJ
theJ
season?J
ItsJ
great!J
whicT
makes me feel so much betterg
WeJ
followJ
theJ
meatyJ
aromaJ
throughJ
theirJ
swanky
livingJ
roomJ
andJ
theirJ
swankyJ
diningJ
roomJ
toJ
the
kitchen,J
whereJ
VeronicaJ
isJ
feedingJ
Emily,J
whomJ
IJ
am
surprisedJ
toJ
seeJ
lookingJ
muchJ
olderJ
thanJ
aJ
newborn
babyg
Hank Basketts in the house, Ronnie saysg
Who?J
VeronicaJ
answers,J
butJ
sheJ
smilesJ
whenJ
she
sees the flowers and the wine. Pour moi?L
SheJ
staresJ
atJ
myJ
pu..yJ
cheekJ
forJ
aJ
second,J
butJ
doesnt
mentionJ
it,J
whichJ
IJ
appreciate.J
IJ
handJ
herJ
whatJ
my
mother has sent, and Veronica kisses me on my un-pu..y
cheekg
WelcomeJ
home,J
Pat,J
sheJ
says,J
whichJ
surprisesJ
me
becauseJ
sheJ
soundsJ
sincere.J
IJ
hopeJ
youJ
dontJ
mind,J
buO
g
m
IveJ
invitedJ
someoneJ
elseJ
toJ
dinner,J
VeronicaJ
adds.J
She
winksJ
atJ
meJ
andJ
thenJ
liftsJ
theJ
lidJ
o..J
theJ
singleJ
potJ
on
the stove, releasing a warm tomato and basil aromag
Who? I askg
YoullJ
see,J
sheJ
saysJ
withoutJ
lookingJ
upJ
fromJ
stirring
her sauceg
Before I can say more, Ronnie is lifting Emily from her
highJ
chair,J
saying,J
MeetJ
.
ncleJ
Pat,J
whichJ
sounds
strangeJ
untilJ
IJ
realizeJ
heJ
isJ
talkingJ
aboutJ
me.J
SayJ
hello
to .
ncle Pat, Emily.L
She waves her little hand at me, and then I have Emily
inJ
myJ
arms.J
HerJ
darkJ
eyesJ
examineJ
myJ
face,J
andJ
she
smilesJ
asJ
thoughJ
sheJ
approves.J
Pap,J
sheJ
says,J
pointing
at my noseg
SeeJ
howJ
smartJ
myJ
girlJ
is,J
.
ncleJ
Pat,J
RonnieJ
saysb
petting the silky black hair on Emilys head. She already
knows your name.L
EmilyJ
smellsJ
likeJ
theJ
mashedJ
carrotsJ
thatJ
coatJ
her
cheeksJ
untilJ
RonnieJ
wipesJ
themJ
cleanJ
withJ
aJ
wet
napkin.J
IJ
haveJ
toJ
admitJ
thatJ
EmilyJ
isJ
aJ
cuteJ
kid,J
andJ
I
instantly understand why Ronnie has written me so many
lettersJ
aboutJ
hisJ
daughterwhyJ
heJ
lovesJ
herJ
soJ
much.J
I
startJ
toJ
thinkJ
aboutJ
havingJ
childrenJ
withJ
NikkiJ
someday
andJ
IJ
becomeJ
soJ
happyJ
thatJ
IJ
giveJ
littleJ
EmilyJ
aJ
kissJ
on
theJ
forehead,J
asJ
ifJ
sheJ
wereJ
NikkisJ
babyJ
andJ
IJ
wasJ
her
father. And then IJ
kiss EmilysJ
forehead againJ
and again,
until she gigglesg
g
Beer? Ronnie saysg
ImJ
notJ
reallyJ
supposedJ
toJ
drink,J
becauseJ
ImJ
on
medications andL
Beer, Ronnie says, and then we are drinking beers on
hisJ
deckJ
asJ
EmilyJ
sitsJ
inJ
herJ
fathersJ
lapJ
andJ
sucksJ
onJ
a
bottle filled with watered-down apple juiceg
ItsJ
goodJ
toJ
haveJ
aJ
beerJ
withJ
you,J
RonnieJ
says,J
jusO
before clinking his Yuengling Lager bottle against mineg
Whos coming over for dinner?L
Veronicas sister, Tiffany.L
Ti..anyJ
andJ
Tommy?J
IJ
say,J
rememberingJ
Ti..anys
husband from Ronnie and Veronicas weddingg
Just Tiffany.L
Wheres Tommy?L
RonnieJ
takesJ
aJ
longJ
swigJ
ofJ
hisJ
beer,J
looksJ
upJ
atJ
the
setting sun, and says, Tommy died some time ago.L
What?J
IJ
say,J
becauseJ
IJ
hadntJ
heard.J
God,J
ImJ
sorry
to hear that.L
JustJ
makeJ
sureJ
youJ
dontJ
bringJ
upJ
TommyJ
tonightb
okay?L
Sure,J
IJ
say,J
andJ
thenJ
drinkJ
aJ
fewJ
largeJ
gulpsJ
ofJ
me
beer. So how did he die?L
How did who die? says a womans voiceg
Hi, Tiffany, Ronnie says, and suddenly she is standing
withJ
usJ
onJ
theJ
porch.J
Ti..anysJ
wearingJ
aJ
blackJ
evenin_
Q
.wgv_
dress,J
heels,J
andJ
aJ
diamondJ
necklace,J
andJ
herJ
makeup
andJ
hairJ
lookJ
tooJ
perfectJ
toJ
measJ
ifJ
sheJ
isJ
tryingJ
too
hardJ
toJ
lookJ
attractive,J
likeJ
oldJ
ladiesJ
sometimesJ
do.
You remember Pat, right?L
IJ
stand,J
andJ
asJ
weJ
shakeJ
hands,J
theJ
wayJ
Ti..anyJ
looks
into my eyes makes me feel really funnyg
WeJ
moveJ
backJ
intoJ
theJ
house,J
andJ
afterJ
someJ
small
talk, Ti..any and I are left alone on opposite ends of the
living-room couchJ
as Veronica ..nishes cooking the meal
and Ronnie puts Emily to bedg
YouJ
lookJ
veryJ
prettyJ
tonight,J
IJ
sayJ
whenJ
theJ
silence
grows awkwardg
BeforeJ
apartJ
timeJ
began,J
IJ
neverJ
everJ
complimented
NikkiJ
onJ
herJ
looks,J
andJ
IJ
thinkJ
thisJ
reallyJ
hurtJ
herJ
self-
esteem.J
IJ
..gureJ
IJ
canJ
nowJ
practiceJ
complimenting
womenJ
onJ
theirJ
looksJ
soJ
itJ
willJ
comeJ
naturallyJ
toJ
me
whenJ
NikkiJ
returns,J
althoughJ
Ti..anyJ
reallyJ
doesJ
look
pretty,J
evenJ
ifJ
sheJ
isJ
tryingJ
tooJ
hardJ
withJ
theJ
makeup.
SheJ
isJ
aJ
fewJ
yearsJ
olderJ
thanJ
me,J
butJ
hasJ
aJ
..tJ
bodyJ
and
long, silky black hairg
WhatJ
happenedJ
toJ
yourJ
cheek?J
Ti..anyJ
asksJ
without
looking at meg
Weight-lifting accident.L
SheJ
justJ
staresJ
atJ
herJ
hands,J
whichJ
areJ
foldedJ
inJ
her
lap. Her nails have been recently painted a blood redg
SoJ
whereJ
areJ
youJ
workingJ
now?J
IJ
say,J
thinkingJ
this
is a safe questiong
[
g
HerJ
noseJ
crinkles,J
asJ
ifJ
IJ
hadJ
farted.J
IJ
gotJ
..redJ
fro]
my job a few months ago.L
Why?L
Does it really matter? she says, then stands and walks
into the kitcheng
IJ
downJ
theJ
remainderJ
ofJ
myJ
secondJ
beerJ
andJ
waitJ
for
Ronnie to come backg
DinnerJ
isJ
elegant,J
withJ
candlesJ
goingJ
andJ
fancyJ
plates
and special silverware, but awkward, as Ti..any and I are
completelyJ
silentJ
whileJ
VeronicaJ
andJ
RonnieJ
talkJ
abouO
us as if we arent thereg
PatJ
isJ
aJ
bigJ
historyJ
bu...J
HeJ
knowsJ
everythingJ
about
everyJ
singleJ
.
.S.J
president.J
GoJ
ahead.J
AskJ
him
anything, Ronnie saysg
When Ti..any fails to look up from her food, Veronica
says,J
MyJ
sisterJ
isJ
aJ
modernJ
dancerJ
andJ
hasJ
aJ
recitalJ
in
two months. You should see her dance, Pat. So beautiful.
My God, I wish I could dance like my sister. If she allows
usJ
thisJ
year,J
wereJ
allJ
goingJ
toJ
herJ
recital,J
andJ
you
should definitely come with us.L
I nod carefully when Ti..any looks up for my response,
thinkingJ
IllJ
goJ
justJ
soJ
IJ
canJ
practiceJ
beingJ
kind.J
Also,
Nikki would probably want to go to a dance recital, and
I want to do the things Nikki likes from now ong
PatJ
andJ
IJ
areJ
goingJ
toJ
workJ
outJ
together,J
Ronni\
{
ggw_
says. Look how ..t my buddy is. He puts me to shame. I
need to get in that basement with you, Pat.L
Ti..any loves the shore, dont you, Ti..? The four of us
V
T
L
d
^
d takeJ
EmilyJ
toJ
theJ
beachJ
oneJ
weekendJ
in
SeptemberJ
afterJ
theJ
crowdsJ
haveJ
left.J
WeJ
couldJ
haveJ
a
picnic.J
DoJ
youJ
likeJ
picnics,J
Pat?J
Ti..anyJ
lovesJ
picnics.
Dont you, Tiff?L
RonnieJ
andJ
VeronicaJ
tradeJ
factsJ
aboutJ
theirJ
guestsJ
for
almostJ
..fteenJ
minutesJ
straight,J
andJ
thenJ
..nallyJ
theresJ
a
lull,J
soJ
IJ
askJ
ifJ
anyJ
ofJ
themJ
knowsJ
anythingJ
aboutJ
the
VetJ
beingJ
imploded,J
andJ
toJ
myJ
surpriseJ
RonnieJ
and
Veronica both con..rm that it was demolishedJ
years ago,
just like my father said, which worriesJ
me tremendously
becauseJ
IJ
haveJ
noJ
memoryJ
ofJ
thisJ
orJ
theJ
yearsJ
thatJ
have
supposedlyJ
transpiredJ
since.J
IJ
thinkJ
aboutJ
askingJ
how
longJ
agoJ
EmilyJ
wasJ
born,J
becauseJ
IJ
rememberJ
gettingJ
a
letter and picture from Ronnie soon after her birth, but I
get scared and do not askg
I hate football, Ti..any o..ers. More than anything in
the world.L
AndJ
thenJ
weJ
allJ
eatJ
withoutJ
sayingJ
anythingJ
forJ
a
whileg
The three courses RonnieJ
had promisedJ
turn outJ
to be
beer,J
lasagnaJ
garnishedJ
withJ
bakedJ
asparagus,J
andJ
kee
lime pie. All three are great, and I tell Veronica as much
practicing again for when Nikki comes backto which
VeronicaJ
replies,J
DidJ
youJ
thinkJ
myJ
foodJ
wouldJ
b\
m[
w
bad?L
IJ
knowJ
sheJ
meansJ
itJ
asJ
aJ
joke,J
butJ
NikkiJ
wouldJ
have
used the question to prove just how witchy Veronica can
be.J
IJ
thinkJ
aboutJ
howJ
ifJ
NikkiJ
wereJ
here,J
afterJ
weJ
went
home, wed stay up talking in bed like we used to when
we were both a little drunkand sitting now at Ronnies
dinnerJ
table,J
theJ
thoughtJ
makesJ
meJ
feelJ
sadJ
andJ
happy
at the same timeg
WhenJ
weJ
..nishJ
ourJ
pie,J
Ti..anyJ
standsJ
andJ
says,J
Im
tired.L
But weve hardly ..nished eating, Veronica says, and
we have Trivial Pursuit toL
I said Im tired.L
There is a silenceg
Well, Ti..any ..nally says, are you going to walk me
home or what?L
It takes me a second to realize that Ti..any is talking to
me, but I quickly say, Sure.L
Since I am practicing being kind now, what else could
I have saidrightI
It is a warm night, but not too sticky. Ti..any and I walk
a block before I ask where she livesg
WithJ
myJ
parents,J
okay?J
sheJ
saysJ
withoutJ
lookingJ
at
me.
Oh. I realize we are only about four blocks from Mrg
.zQ
[
fm.
and Mrs. Websters houseg
You live with your parents too, right?L
Yeah.L
So no big whoop.L
ItJ
isJ
dark,J
andJ
IJ
guessJ
itsJ
aboutJ
9:30J
p.m.J
WithJ
her
armsJ
crossingJ
herJ
chest,J
Ti..anyJ
walksJ
prettyJ
quicklyJ
in
her clicky heels, and soon we are standing in front of her
parents houseg
When she turns to face me, I think she is simply going
toJ
sayJ
goodJ
night,J
butJ
sheJ
says,J
Look,J
IJ
haventJ
dated
since college, so I dont know how this works.L
How what works?L
IveJ
seenJ
theJ
wayJ
youveJ
beenJ
lookingJ
atJ
me.J
Dont
bullshitJ
me,J
Pat.J
IJ
liveJ
inJ
theJ
additionJ
aroundJ
back,
whichJ
isJ
completelyJ
separateJ
fromJ
theJ
house,J
soJ
theres
no chance of my parents walking in on us. I hate the fact
thatJ
youJ
woreJ
aJ
footballJ
jerseyJ
toJ
dinner,J
butJ
youJ
caM
fuck me as long as we turn the lights out first. Okay?L
ImJ
tooJ
shockedJ
toJ
speak,J
andJ
forJ
aJ
longJ
timeJ
weJ
just
stand there.
Or not, Tiffany adds just before she starts cryingg
ImJ
soJ
confusedJ
thatJ
ImJ
speakingJ
andJ
thinkingJ
and
worryingJ
allJ
atJ
theJ
sameJ
time,J
notJ
reallyJ
knowingJ
what
toJ
doJ
orJ
say.J
Look,J
IJ
enjoyedJ
spendingJ
timeJ
withJ
you,
andJ
IJ
thinkJ
youreJ
reallyJ
pretty,J
butJ
ImJ
married,J
IJ
say,
and lift up my wedding ring as proofg
[
]
fg
SoJ
amJ
I,J
sheJ
says,J
andJ
holdsJ
upJ
theJ
diamondJ
onJ
her
left handg
IJ
rememberJ
whatJ
RonnieJ
toldJ
meJ
aboutJ
herJ
husband
havingJ
passedJ
away,J
whichJ
makesJ
herJ
aJ
widowJ
andJ
not
married,J
butJ
IJ
doJ
notJ
sayJ
anythingJ
aboutJ
that,J
becauseJ
I
amJ
practicingJ
beingJ
kindJ
insteadJ
ofJ
right,J
whichJ
I
learned in therapy and Nikki will likeg
ItJ
makesJ
meJ
reallyJ
sadJ
toJ
seeJ
thatJ
Ti..anyJ
isJ
still
wearing her wedding ringg
AndJ
thenJ
suddenlyJ
Ti..anyJ
isJ
huggingJ
meJ
soJ
thatJ
her
faceJ
isJ
betweenJ
myJ
pecs,J
andJ
shesJ
cryingJ
herJ
makeup
ontoJ
myJ
newJ
HankJ
BaskettJ
jersey.J
IJ
dontJ
likeJ
toJ
be
touchedJ
byJ
anyoneJ
exceptJ
Nikki,J
andJ
IJ
reallyJ
doJ
noO
wantJ
Ti..anyJ
toJ
getJ
makeupJ
onJ
theJ
jerseyJ
myJ
brotheX
wasJ
niceJ
enoughJ
toJ
giveJ
meaJ
jerseyJ
withJ
real
stitchedonJ
lettersJ
andJ
numbersbutJ
IJ
surpriseJ
myselfJ
by
huggingJ
Ti..anyJ
back.J
IJ
restJ
myJ
chinJ
onJ
topJ
ofJ
herJ
shiny
blackJ
hair,J
scentJ
herJ
perfume,J
andJ
suddenlyJ
IJ
amJ
crying
too, which scares meJ
a lot.J
Our bodiesJ
shudder together,
andJ
weJ
areJ
allJ
waterworks.J
WeJ
cryJ
togetherJ
forJ
atJ
least
ten minutes, and then she lets go and runs around to the
back of her parents houseg
WhenJ
IJ
arriveJ
home,J
myJ
fatherJ
isJ
watchingJ
television.
The Eagles are playing the Jets in a preseason game I did
notJ
knowJ
wasJ
on.J
HeJ
doesJ
notJ
evenJ
lookJ
atJ
me,
probablyJ
becauseJ
IJ
amJ
suchJ
aJ
lousyJ
EaglesJ
fanJ
now.J
My
motherJ
tellsJ
meJ
thatJ
RonnieJ
called,J
sayingJ
itsJ
importanO
m]
gm
and I should call him back immediatelyg
WhatJ
happened?J
WhatsJ
onJ
yourJ
jersey? IsJ
thaO
makeup?J
myJ
motherJ
asks,J
andJ
whenJ
IJ
doJ
notJ
answer,
she says, You better call Ronnie back.L
ButJ
IJ
onlyJ
lieJ
downJ
inJ
myJ
bedJ
andJ
stareJ
atJ
theJ
ceiling
of my bedroom until the sun comes upg
Filled with Molten LavS
TheK
pictureK
IK
haveK
ofK
NikkiK
isK
aK
headK
shot,K
andK
IK
wishK
I
had told her how much I liked ita
SheK
paidK
aK
professionalK
photographerK
toK
takeK
the
photo,K
andK
sheK
actuallyK
hadK
herK
hairK
andK
makeupK
done
at the local salon before going to the shoot; plus she also
wentK
toK
theK
tanningK
boothsK
theK
weekK
beforeK
theK
picture
was taken, since my birthday is in late December and the
picture was my twenty-eighth-birthday presenta
NikkisK
headK
isK
turnedK
soK
youK
seeK
moreK
ofK
herK
left
cheekK
thanK
youK
doK
herK
right,K
whichK
isK
outlinedK
byK
her
strawberry blond curly hair. You can see her left ear, and
sheK
isK
wearingK
theK
danglingK
diamondK
earringsK
IK
gaveK
her
forK
ourK
..rstK
weddingK
anniversary.K
SheK
hadK
goneK
toK
the
tanning booths just to bring out the freckles on her nose,
which I love and miss every winter. You can see the little
frecklesK
clearlyK
inK
theK
shot,K
andK
NikkiK
saidK
thisK
wasK
the
mainK
ideaK
andK
sheK
evenK
toldK
theK
photographerK
toK
make
theK
frecklesK
theK
focalK
pointK
becauseK
IK
loveK
herK
seasonaH
fkfQ
n
frecklesK
best.K
HerK
faceK
isK
sortK
ofK
likeK
anK
upside-down
triangle, as her chin is sort of pointy. Her nose is like the
noseK
ofK
aK
lioness,K
longK
andK
regal-looking, andK
herK
eyes
areK
theK
colorK
ofK
grass.K
InK
theK
pictureK
sheK
isK
makingK
that
pouting face I lovenot quite a smile, not quite a smirk
andK
herK
lipsK
areK
soK
glossyK
thatK
IK
cantK
resistK
kissingK
the
picture every time I look at ita
SoK
IK
kissK
theK
pictureK
again,K
feelingK
theK
coldK
..atnessK
of
theK
glass,K
leavingK
aK
kiss-shapedK
smudge,K
whichK
IK
wipe
away with my shirta
God, I miss you so much, Nikki, I say, but the picture
isK
silent,K
likeK
always.K
ImK
sorryK
thatK
IK
didK
notK
originally
likeK
thisK
picture,K
becauseK
youK
wouldK
notK
believeK
how
muchK
IK
likeK
itK
now.K
IK
knowK
thatK
IK
toldK
youK
thisK
wasK
not
suchK
aK
greatK
present,K
backK
beforeK
IK
startedK
practicing
being kind rather than right. Yes, I had speci..cally asked
forK
aK
newK
barbecue,K
butK
ImK
gladK
thatK
IK
haveK
theK
picture
now,K
becauseK
itK
helpedK
meK
getK
throughK
allK
thatK
timeK
in
theK
badK
placeK
andK
madeK
meK
wantK
toK
beK
aK
betterK
person,
andK
ImK
changedK
now,K
soK
IK
notK
onlyK
realizeK
but
appreciateK
thatK
youK
putK
aK
lotK
ofK
thoughtK
andK
e..ortK
into
thisK
present.K
ItsK
theK
onlyK
likenessK
IK
haveK
ofK
youK
since
some bad person stole all the pictures of us that were in
myK
mothersK
housebecauseK
theK
picturesK
wereK
in
expensive frames, and
Suddenly,K
forK
someK
reason,K
IK
rememberK
thatK
theresK
a
video of our wedding, and in this video Nikki is walking
and dancing and speaking, and theres even this one parM
nnnQ
kQ
,Q
Q
n
where Nikki talks directly into the camera as if she were
talking to me, and she says, I love you, Pat Peoples, you
sexy stud mu..n, which made me laugh so hard the ..rst
time we watched the video with her parentsa
IK
knockK
onK
myK
parentsK
bedroomK
door,K
andK
thenK
I
knock againa
Pat? my mom saysa
I have to work in the morning, you know? my father
says, but I ignore hima
Mom? I say to the doora
What is it?
Wheres my wedding video?
There is a silencea
You remember my wedding video, right?
Still, she does not say anythinga
IsK
itK
inK
theK
cardboardK
boxK
inK
theK
family-roomK
closet
with all the other videos?
Through the door I hear her and my father whispering,
and then my mother says, I think we gave you our copy
of the video, honey. It must be in your old house. Sorry.
What?K
No,K
itsK
downstairsK
inK
theK
family-roomK
closet.
NeverK
mind,K
IllK
..ndK
itK
myself.K
GoodK
night,K
IK
say,K
but
when I get toK
the family-roomK
closet and go through the
boxK
ofK
videos,K
itsK
notK
there.K
IK
turnK
aroundK
andK
seeK
that
my mother has followed me down into the family room.
She is in her nightgown. She is biting her nails. Where i^
nnQ
nn
it?
We gave it to
Dont lie to me!
WeK
mustK
haveK
misplacedK
it,K
butK
itsK
sureK
toK
turnK
uV
sooner or later.
MisplacedK
it?K
ItsK
irreplaceable!K
ItsK
justK
S
videocassette,K
butK
IK
cantK
helpK
feelingK
angry,K
whichK
I
realizeK
isK
oneK
ofK
myK
problems.K
HowK
couldK
youK
loseK
iM
when you know how important it is to me? How?
Calm down, Pat. My mother raises her palms so they
areK
bothK
inK
frontK
ofK
herK
chestK
andK
thenK
takesK
aK
careful
step toward me, as if she is trying to sneak up on a rabid
dog. Relax, Pat. Just relax.
ButK
IK
canK
feelK
myselfK
gettingK
moreK
andK
moreK
angry,K
so
beforeK
I sayK
or doK
anything dumb,K
I rememberK
that I am
closeK
toK
beingK
sentK
backK
toK
theK
badK
place,K
whereK
Nikki
willK
neverK
..ndK
me.K
IK
stormK
pastK
myK
mother,K
goK
down
intoK
theK
basement,K
andK
doK
..veK
hundredK
sit-upsK
onK
the
Stomach Master 6000. When I finish, I am still angry, soK
I
rideK
theK
stationaryK
bikeK
forK
forty-..veK
minutesK
andK
then
do shots of water until I feel hydrated enough to attempt
..ve hundred push-ups. Only when my pecs feel like they
areK
..lledK
withK
moltenK
lavaK
doK
IK
deemK
myselfK
calm
enough to sleepa
WhenK
IK
goK
upstairs,K
allK
isK
quietK
andK
noK
lightK
isK
leaking
out from under my parents bedroom door, so I grab my
framedK
pictureK
ofK
Nikki,K
takeK
herK
upstairsK
toK
theK
attic_
[
[
k]
_
]
_
turn o.. the ventilation fan, slip into my sleeping bag, set
up Nikki next to my head, kiss her good nightand thenbegin to sweat away some mor
e poundsa
I havent been up in the attic since the last time KennyGK
visitedK
me.K
IK
amK
afraidK
heK
willK
comeK
back,K
butK
IK
also
feelK
sortK
ofK
fat.K
IK
closeK
myK
eyes,K
humK
aK
singleK
note,
silentlyK
countK
toK
tenK
overK
andK
overK
again,K
andK
theK
next
morning I wake up unscatheda
Failing Like Dimmesdale DiS
Maybe ..Puritans ..were ..simply ..dumber ..than ..modern
people, ..but ..I ..cannot ..believe ..how ..long ..it ..took ..those
seventeenth-century ..Bostonians ..to ..gure ..out ..that ..their
spiritual ..leader ..knocked ..up ..the ..local ..hussy. ..I ..had ..the
mystery ..solved ..in ..chapter ..eight, ..when ..Hester ..turns ..to
Dimmesdale and ..says, Speak thou ..for me! I ..know we
were ..assigned ..Hawthornes The ..Scarlet ..Letter ..back ..in
high school, and if I had known the book was ..lled with
so much sex and espionage, I might have read it when I
was ..sixteen. ..God, ..I ..cant ..wait ..to ask ..Nikki ..if ..she ..hypes
up ..the ..racy ..stu.. ..in ..her ..class, ..because ..I ..know ..teenagers
would actually read the book if she did...
I ..didnt ..care ..much ..for ..Dimmesdale, ..because ..he ..had
such ..a ..great ..woman ..and ..he ..denied ..himself ..a ..life ..with
her. Now, I understand that it would not have been easy
for ..him ..to ..explain ..how ..he ..knocked ..up ..another ..mans
teenage wife, especially since he was a man of the cloth,
but if theres one theme Hawthorne hammers home, its
that ..time ..heals ..all ..wounds, ..which ..Dimmesdale ..learns,..
h..m..h..w..,..wh..h..mm..,..
but too late. Plus, Im thinking God would have wanted
Pearl ..to ..have ..had ..a ..father, ..and ..probably ..counted
Dimmesdales ..disregard for his daughter as a greater sinthan having sex with ano
ther mans wife...
Now, I sympathize with Chillingwortha lot. ..I ..mean,
he sends his young bride over to the New World, trying
to ..give ..her ..a ..better ..life, ..and ..she ..ends ..up ..pregnant ..by
another ..man, ..which ..is ..the ..ultimate ..slap ..in ..the ..face,
right? ..But ..he ..was ..so ..old ..and ..nasty ..and ..really ..had ..no
business marrying a young girl anyway. When he began
to ..psychologically ..torture ..Dimmesdale, ..giving ..him ..all
those ..strange ..roots ..and ..herbs, ..Chillingworth ..reminded
me ..of ..Dr. ..Timbers ..and ..his ..sta... ..I ..realized ..then ..that
Chillingworth was not ever going to practice being kind,
so I gave up hope for him...
But I absolutely loved Hester, because she believed insilver ..linings. ..Even .
.when ..that ..nasty ..throng ..of ..bearded
men in hats and fat women were against her, saying she
should be branded on the forehead even, she stuck to her
guns and sewed and helped people when she could and
tried ..her ..best ..to ..raise ..her ..daughtereven ..when ..Pearlproved to be s
omewhat of a demonic child...
Even though Hester did not get to be with Dimmesdalein ..the ..endwhich ..is ..a
....aw, ..if ..you ..ask ..meI ..felt ..like
she lived a ful..lled life and got to see her daughter growup and marry well, wh
ich was kind of nice...
But I did realize that no one really appreciated Hester..
h..H
for who she was until it was too late. When she needed
help ..most, ..she ..was ..abandonedand ..only ..when ..she
o..ered ..help ..to ..others ..was ..she ..beloved. ..This ..sort ..of..
suggests ..that ..it ..is ..important ..to ..appreciate ..the ..good
women in your life before it is too late, which is a pretty
good ..message ..to ..give ..high ..school ..kids. ..I ..wish ..my ..high
school ..teacher ..had ..taught ..me ..that ..lesson, ..because ..I..
certainly ..would have ..treated Nikki ..di..erently when we
were ..rst married. Then again, maybe this is the sort of
thing ..you ..have ..to ..learn ..by ..living ..your ..lifefailing ..likeDimmesda
le did, and I guess like I did too...
That scene when Dimmesdale and Hester ..nally standtogether ..in ..town ..for ..
the ..rst ..time ..made ..me ..wish ..apart
time ..was ..over ..already ..so ..I ..could ..stand ..with ..Nikki ..in
some public place and apologize for being such a jerk in
the ..past. ..Then ..I ..would ..tell ..her ..my ..thoughts ..about
Hawthornes ..classic, ..which ..would ..make ..her ..happy ..for
sure. God, she is going to be so impressed that I actually
read a book written in old-fashioned English...
Do You Like Foreign FilmsT
Cli.. asks about Veronicas dinner party in a way that lets
me know my mother has already discussed it with him
probably Gin Gan Ge..ort Gto Gget Gme Gto Gwear Gthe Gcollared
shirts she bought me at the Gap, which Mom loves and I
do not love. As soon as I sit down in the brown recliner,
Cli.. broaches the subject, pinching his chin the way he
does Gevery Gtime Ghe Gasks Gme Ga Gquestion Gmy Gmother Ghas
already answered.GEven Gthough GI Gnow Grecognize GCli..s Gtell, GI Gam Gexcited
to let him know he was right about wearing the shirt my
brother had given me. Surprisingly, he does not want to
talk Gabout Gwhat Gclothes GI Gwore; Ghe Gwants Gto Gtalk Gabout
Ti..any, Gand Ghe Gkeeps Gasking Gwhat GI Gthought Gabout Gher,
how she made me feel, and if I enjoyed her company.GAt ..rst I am polite and ans
wer by saying that Ti..any
was nice and well dressed and had a pretty good body,
but GCli.. Gkeeps Gpushing Gfor Gthe Gtruth Glike Gtherapists Gdo,
because Gthey Gall Ghave Gsome Gsort Gof Gpsychic Gability GthatG
lQ
l
allowsF
themF
toF
seeF
throughF
your lies,F
andF
thereforeF
they
knowF
youF
willF
eventuallyF
tireF
ofF
theF
talkingF
gameF
and
will offer up the truth%
FinallyF
IF
say,F
Well,F
theF
thingF
isandF
IF
dontF
like
saying thisbut Tiffany is kind of slutty.o
What do you mean? Cliff asks me%
I mean shes sort of a whore.o
Cli..F
sitsF
forwardF
aF
little.F
HeF
looksF
surprised,F
and
uncomfortableF
enoughF
toF
makeF
meF
feelF
uncomfortable.
OnF
whatF
doF
youF
baseF
yourF
observation?F
DidF
sheF
dress
provocatively?o
No.F
IF
toldF
youF
already.F
SheF
woreF
aF
niceF
dress.F
ButF
as
soonF
asF
weF
..nishedF
ourF
dessert,F
sheF
askedF
meF
toF
walk
her home.o
Whats wrong with that?o
Nothing.F
ButF
atF
theF
endF
ofF
theF
walkF
sheF
askedF
meF
to
haveF
sexualF
intercourseF
withF
her,F
andF
notF
inF
those
words.o
Cli..F
removesF
hisF
..ngersF
fromF
hisF
chin,F
sitsF
back,F
and
says, Oh.o
IF
know.F
ItF
shockedF
meF
too,F
especiallyF
becauseF
she
knows Im married.o
So did you?o
Did I what?o
Have sexual intercourse with Tiffany?o
At ..rst Cli..s words dont register, but when they do, $
l
become angry. No!o
Why not?o
IF
cannotF
believeF
Cli..F
hasF
actuallyF
askedF
meF
suchF
a
question,F
especiallyF
sinceF
heF
isF
aF
happilyF
marriedF
man
himself, but I dignify the inquiry with an answer anyway.
Because I love my wife! Thats why!o
ThatsF
whatF
IF
thought,F
heF
says,F
whichF
makesF
meF
feel
aF
littleF
better.F
HeF
isF
onlyF
testingF
myF
morals,F
whichF
is
perfectlyF
understandable, becauseF
peopleF
outsideF
of
mental institutions need toF
have goodF
morals soF
that the
worldF
willF
continueF
toF
workF
withoutF
anyF
major
interruptionsand happy endings will flourish%
Then I say, I dont even know why Ti..any would ask
me to have sex with her anyway. I mean, Im not even aP
attractive guy; shes pretty and could do a lot better than
meF
forF
sure.F
SoF
ImF
thinkingF
nowF
thatF
maybeF
shesF
a
nymphomaniac. What do you think?o
I dont know whether she is a nymphomaniac or not,o
heF
says.F
ButF
IF
doF
knowF
thatF
sometimesF
peopleF
sayF
and
doF
whatF
theyF
thinkF
othersF
wantF
themF
to.F
MaybeF
Ti..any
reallyF
didF
notF
wantF
toF
haveF
sexF
withF
you,F
butF
only
o..eredF
somethingF
sheF
thoughtF
youF
wouldF
..ndF
valuable,
so you would value her.o
IF
thinkF
aboutF
hisF
explanationF
forF
aF
secondF
andF
then
say,F
SoF
youreF
sayingF
thatF
Ti..anyF
thought IF
wantedF
to
have sex with her?o
NotF
necessarily.F
HeF
grabsF
hisF
chinF
again.F
YouN
lGH
mother Gtold Gme Gyou Gcame Ghome Gwith Gmakeup Gon Gyour
shirt. Do you mind if I ask how that happened?GReluctantly, Gbecause GI Gdont Glik
e Gto Ggossip, GI Gtell Ghim
about Ti..anys wearing her wedding ring even after her
husband died, and the hugging and the crying we did inG
front of her parents house.GCli.. nods and says, It seems like Ti..any really need
s
a friend, and that she thought having sex with you would
make you want to be her friend. But tell me again how
you handled the situation.GSo I tell him exactly what led us to the hug and how I
let her get makeup on my Hank Baskett jersey andGWhere Gdid Gyou Gget Ga GHank GBa
skett Gjersey? Ghe GasksG
me.GI told you. My brother gave it to me.GThats what you wore to the dinner party?GYea
h, just like you told me to.GHe Gsmiles Gand Geven Gchuckles, Gwhich Gsurprises G
me.
Then he adds, What did your friends say?GRonnie said that Hank Baskett is the man.GHa
nk GBaskett is Gthe Gman. GI Gbet Ghe Gcatches Gat Gleast
seven touchdowns this season.GCliff, youre an Eagles fan?GHe Gdoes Gthe GEagles Gcha
ntE!-A!-G!-L!-E!-S!
EAGLES!which Gmakes Gme Glaugh Gbecause Ghe Gis Gmy
therapist Gand GI Gdid Gnot Gknow Gtherapists Gcould Glike GNFLG
Q
l
football%
Well,F
nowF
thatF
IF
knowF
youF
tooF
bleedF
green,F
well
have to talk Birds o.. the clock, Cli.. says. So you really
letF
Ti..anyF
cryF
herF
makeupF
ontoF
yourF
brand-newF
Hank
Baskett jersey?o
Yeah,F
andF
itsF
oneF
withF
stitched-onF
numbers,F
notF
thL
cheap iron-ons.o
AuthenticF
HankF
BaskettF
jersey!F
heF
says.F
ThatF
was
certainlyF
veryF
kindF
ofF
you,F
Pat.F
ItF
soundsF
likeF
Ti..any
onlyF
reallyF
neededF
aF
hug,F
whichF
youF
gaveF
herF
because
you are a nice guy.o
I cant help smiling, because I really am trying hard to
beF
aF
niceF
guy.F
Yeah,F
IF
know,F
butF
nowF
shesF
always
following me all over town.o
What do you mean?o
SoF
IF
tellF
Cli..F
thatF
sinceF
theF
dinnerF
party,F
wheneverF
I
put on a trash bag and leave my house for a run, Ti..any
isF
alwaysF
waitingF
outsideF
inF
herF
littleF
runningF
out..tF
and
pinkF
headband.F
VeryF
politely,F
IF
toldF
herF
thatF
IF
doF
not
likeF
runningF
withF
otherF
peopleF
andF
askedF
herF
toF
leave
me alone, but she ignored my request and simply jogged
..veF
feet behindF
me forF
my entireF
run. TheF
next day, she
did the same thing, and she keeps on doing it. Somehow
shesF
..guredF
outF
myF
schedule,F
andF
shesF
alwaysF
there
whenF
IF
leaveF
myF
houseF
anF
hourF
beforeF
sunsetreadyF
to
shadowF
meF
wherever I jog. I run fast, and sheF
stays wit
me.F
IF
runF
onF
dangerousF
streets,F
andF
sheF
follows.F
ShL
lQ
S
neverF
tiresF
outF
eitherandF
justF
keepsF
runningF
downF
thL
streetF
whenF
IF
..nallyF
stopF
inF
frontF
ofF
myF
house.F
She
doesnt even say hello or goodbye.o
Why dont you want her to follow you? Cliff asks%
SoF
IF
askF
himF
howF
hisF
wife,F
Sonja,F
wouldF
feelF
ifF
some
hot woman shadowed him every time he went for a run%
HeF
smilesF
theF
wayF
guysF
doF
whenF
theyF
areF
aloneF
and
talkingF
aboutF
womenF
inF
aF
sexualF
way,F
andF
thenF
heF
says,
So you think Ti..anyF
is hot?F
This surprisesF
me because
I did not know therapists were allowed to talk like guys
doF
whenF
theyF
areF
buddies,F
andF
IF
wonderF
ifF
thisF
meanS
that Cliff thinks of me as his buddy now%
Sure, shes hot, I say. But Im married.o
HeF
grabsF
hisF
chinF
andF
says,F
HowF
longF
hasF
itF
been
since youve seen Nikki?o
I tell him I dont know. Maybe a couple of months, I
say%
Do you really believe that? he asks, grabbing his chin
again%
WhenF
IF
sayF
IF
do,F
IF
hearF
theF
yellingF
inF
myF
voiceF
and
even allow the f-word to slip out. Immediately I feel bad
becauseF
Cli..F
wasF
talkingF
toF
meF
likeF
aF
friend,F
andF
sane
people should not yell and curse at their buddies%
Im sorry, I say when Cliff starts to look scared%
ItsF
okay,F
heF
says,F
andF
forcesF
aF
smile.F
IF
should
believeF
thatF
youF
reallyF
meanF
whatF
youF
tellF
me.F
HL
Q
lQ
lQ
H
scratchesF
hisF
headF
forF
aF
secondF
andF
thenF
says,F
MyF
wifL
loves foreign films. Do you like foreign films?o
With subtitles?o
Yes.o
I hate those types of films.o
Me too, Cliff says. Mostly becauseo
No happy endings.o
Exactly,F
Cli..F
says,F
pointingF
aF
brownF
..ngerF
atF
my
face. So depressing most of the time.o
IF
nodF
wholeheartedlyF
inF
agreement,F
evenF
thoughF
I
haventF
beenF
toF
seeF
anyF
moviesF
forF
aF
longF
time,F
and
wontF
untilF
NikkiF
returns,F
becauseF
IF
amF
nowF
watching
the movie of my life as I live it%
MyF
wifeF
usedF
toF
begF
meF
toF
takeF
herF
toF
seeF
thesL
foreignF
..lmsF
withF
subtitlesF
allF
theF
time,F
Cli..F
says.F
It
seemed like every day she would ask me if we might go
toF
seeF
aF
foreignF
..lm,F
untilF
IF
brokeF
downF
andF
started
takingF
her.F
EveryF
WednesdayF
nightF
wedF
goF
toF
theF
Ritz
movieF
theaterF
andF
seeF
someF
depressingF
movie.F
AndF
yoH
know what?o
What?o
After a year we simply stopped going.o
Why?o
She stopped asking.o
Why?o
IF
dontF
know.F
ButF
maybeF
ifF
youF
takeF
anF
interestF
iP
Ti..any,F
ask herF
to runF
with youF
andF
maybe toF
go out to
dinnerF
aF
fewF
timesmaybeF
afterF
aF
fewF
weeks,F
sheF
will
growF
tiredF
ofF
theF
chaseF
andF
leaveF
youF
alone.F
LetF
herF
get
whatF
sheF
wants,F
andF
maybeF
sheF
willF
notF
wantF
it
anymore. W
nderstand?o
I do understand, but cannot help asking, Do you think
that will really work?o
AndF
Cli..F
shrugsF
inF
aF
wayF
thatF
makesF
meF
believeF
it
will%
I Can Share Raisin BraM
On bthe bdrive bhome bfrom bCli..s bo..ce bI bask bmy bmom bif
she thinks asking Ti..any on a date is the best way to get
rid of her once and for all, and Mom says, You shouldnt
e btrying bto bget brid bof banyone. bYou bneed bfriends, bPat.
Everyone does.bI bdont bsay banything bin bresponse. bIm bafraid bMom bis
rooting bfor bme bto bfall bin blove bwith bTi..any, because
whenever bshe bcalls bTi..any bmy bfriend, bshe bsays bthe
word with a smile on her face and a hopeful look in her
eye, which bothers me tremendously because Mom is the
only person in my family who does not hate Nikki. Also,
I bknow bMom blooks bout bthe bwindow bwhen bI bgo bon bmy
runs, because she will tease me, saying I see your friend
showed up again when I return from a jog.bMom pulls into the driveway, shuts o..
the car engine,
and says, I can loan you money should you ever want to
take byour friend to dinner, and again, the way she says
friend makes me feel tingly in a bad way. I say nothingb
ebmbebmebeelbl
in bresponse, band bmy bmother bdoes bthe bstrangest bthing
she giggles.bI b..nish bmy bweight btraining bfor bthe bday band bput bon ba
trash bag, and bas bI begin bstretching bon bthe bfront blawn, bI
see that Ti..any is jogging up and down the length of my
parents block, bwaiting bfor bme bto begin brunning. bI btell
myself to ask her out to dinner so I can end this madness
and bget back bto being balone bon bmy bruns, but binstead bI
simply start running, and Tiffany follows.bI go past the high school, down Colli
ngs Avenue to the
Black Horse Pike, make a left and then another left into
Oaklyn, brun bdown bKendall bBoulevard bto bthe bOaklyn
Public School, up past the Manor Bar to the White Horse
Pike, bmake ba bright band bthen ba bleft bonto bCuthbert, band bI
run into Westmont. When I get to the Crystal Lake Diner,
I turn and jog in place. Ti..any jogs in place and stares at
her feet.bHey, I say to her. You want to have dinner with me
at this diner?bTonight? she says without looking up at me.bYeah.bWhat time?bWe bhave b
bwalk bhere because bIm bnot ballowed bto
drive.bWhat time?bIll be in front of your house at seven-thirty.b
llNext, the most amazing thing happens: Ti..any simply
jogs away from me, and I cannot believe I ..nally got her
to bleave bme balone. bI bam bso bhappy bI balter bmy broute band
run at least fifteen miles instead of ten, and when the sun
sets, the clouds in the west are all lined with electricity,
which I know is a good omen.b
At bhome, bI btell bmy mother I bneed bsome bmoney bso bI bcan
take bTi..any bout bto bdinner. bMy bmother btries bto bhide bher
smile bas bshe bretrieves bher bpurse bfrom bthe bkitchen btable.
Where are you taking her?bThe Crystal Lake Diner.bYou bshouldnt bneed bmore bthan bfor
ty bdollars bthen,
right?bI guess.bItll be on the counter when you come down.bI bshower, bapply bunderarm
bdeodorant, buse bmy bfathers
cologne, band bput bon bmy bkhakis band bthe bdark bgreen
utton-down bshirt bMom bought bme bat bthe bGap bjustb
yesterday. For some reason, my mother is systematically
uying ban bentire bwardrobe bfor bmeand bevery bpiece bis
from the Gap. When I go downstairs, my mom tells me I
need to tuck in my shirt and wear a belt.bWhy? bI bask, because bI bdo bnot breall
y bcare bif bI blook
respectable or not. I only want to get rid of Ti..any once
and for all.b
llbBut bwhen bMom bsays, bPlease, bI bremember bthat bI bam
trying to be kind instead of rightand I also owe Mom
ecause bshe brescued bme bfrom bthe bad bplaceso bI bgo
upstairs and put on the brown leather belt she purchased
for me earlier in the week.
Mom bcomes binto bmy broom bwith ba bshoe box band bsays,
Put bon bsome bdress bsocks band btry bthese bon. bI bopen bthe
ox, and these swanky-looking brown leather loafers are
inside. bJake bsaid bthese bare bwhat bmen byour bage bwear
casually, Mom says. When I slip the loafers on and look
in the mirror, I see how thin my waistline appears, and I
think I look almost as swanky as my little brother.bWith bforty bucks bin bmy bp
ocket, bI bwalk bacross bKnights
Park bto bTi..anys bparents bhouse. bShe bis boutside, bwaiting
for me on the sidewalk, but I see her mother peeking out
the window. Mrs. Webster ducks behind the blinds when
we bmake beye bcontact. bTi..any bdoes bnot bsay bhello, but
egins walking before I can stop. She is wearing a pink
knee-length bskirt band ba black bsummer bsweater. bHer
platform bsandals bmake bher blook btaller, band bher bhair bis
sort of pu..ed out around the ears, hanging down to her
shoulders. Her eyeliner is a little heavy, and her lips are
so pink, but I have to admit she looks great, which I tell
her, saying, Wow, you look really nice tonight.bI like your shoes, she says in respo
nse, and then we
walk for thirty minutes without saying another word.bWe bget ba booth bat bthe b
diner, band bthe bserver bgives busb
eebeebeeee
glasses of water. Ti..any orders tea, and I say that water
is b..ne bfor bme. bAs bI bread bthe bmenu, I bworry bthat bI bwont
have benough bmoney, bwhich bis bsilly, bI bknow, because bI
have btwo btwenties bon bme band bmost bof bthe bentres bare
under bten bucks, but bI bdo bnot bknow bwhat bTi..any bwill
order, and maybe she will want dessert, and then theres
the tip.bNikki btaught bme bto bovertip; bshe bsays bwaitresses bwork
too hard for such a little bit of money. Nikki knows this
ecause bshe bwas ba bwaitress ball bthrough bcollegewhen
we were at La Salleso I always overtip when I go out
to beat bnow, bjust bto bmake bup bfor bthe btimes bin bthe bpast
when bI bfought bwith bNikki bover ba bfew bdollars, bsaying
..fteen bpercent bwas bmore bthan benough, because bno bone
tipped bme bregardless bof bwhether bI bdid bmy bjob bwell bor
not. bNow bI bam ba believer bin bovertipping, because bI bam
practicing being bkind brather bthan brightand bas bI bam
reading bthe bdiner bmenu, bI bthink, bWhat bif bI bdo bnot bhave
enough money left over for a generous tip?bI bam bworrying babout ball bof bthis
bso bmuch bthat bI bmust
have bmissed bTi..anys border, because bsuddenly btheb
waitress is saying, Sir?bWhen bI bput bmy bmenu bdown, both bTi..any band bthe
waitress are staring at me, as if they are concerned. So I
say, bRaisin bran, because bI bremember breading bthat
cereal is only $2.25.bMilk?b
lbHow much is milk?bSeventy-five cents.bI ..gure I can a..ord it, so I say, Please, an
d then hand
my menu back to the waitress.bThats it?bI nod, and the waitress sighs audibly befor
e leaving us
alone.bWhat did you order? I didnt catch it, I say to Ti..any,
trying bto bsound bpolite but bsecretly bworrying bthat bI bwill
not have enough money left over for a good tip.bJust btea, bshe bsays, band bthen
bwe both blook bout bthe
window at the cars in the parking lot.bWhen bthe braisin bran bcomes, bI bopen b
the blittle bsingle-
serving box and pour the cereal into the bowl the diner
provides bfree bof bcharge. bThe bmilk bcomes bin ba bminiature
pitcher; bI bpour bit bover bthe brown b..akes band bsugared
raisins. bI bpush bthe bowl bto bthe bmiddle bof bthe btable band
ask bTi..any bif bshe bwould blike bto bhelp bme beat bthe bcereal.
Are you bsure? she says, and bwhen I nod, she picks up
her spoon and we eat.bWhen bwe bget bthe bill, bit bis bfor b$4.59. bI bhand bou
r
waitress the two twenties, and the woman laughs, shakes
her bhead, band bsays, bChange? bWhen bI bsay, bNo, bthank
youthinking bNikki bwould bwant bme bto bovertipthe
waitress bsays bto bTi..any, bHoney, bI bhad bhim ball bwrong.
You two come back real soon. Okay? And I can tell the
woman is satis..ed with her tip because she sort of skipsb
mbebeeee
her way to the register.bTi..any bdoesnt bsay banything bon bthe bwalk bhome, bso
bI
dont either. When we get to her house, I tell her I had a
great btime. bThanks, bI bsay, band bthen bo..er ba bhandshake,
just so Tiffany will not get the wrong idea.bShe blooks bat bmy bhand band bthen
bup bat bme, but bshe
doesnt bshake. bFor ba bsecond bI bthink bshe bis bgoing bto bstart
crying bagain, but binstead bshe bsays, bRemember bwhen bI
said you could fuck me?bI bnod bslowly because bI bwish bI bdid bnot bremember bi
t bso
vividly.bI dont want you to fuck me, Pat. Okay?bOkay, I say.bShe bwalks baround bher
bparents bhouse, band bthen bI bam
alone again.
When I arrive home, my mom excitedly asks me what
we bhad bfor bdinner, band bwhen bI btell bher braisin bran, bshe
laughs band bsays, bReally, bwhat bdid byou bhave? bI bignore
her, go to my room, and lock the door.bLying down on my bed, I pick up the pictu
re of Nikki
and btell bher ball babout bmy bdate band bhow bI bgave bthe
waitress a nice tip and how sad Ti..any seems and how
much bI bcant bwait bfor bapart btime bto bend bso bNikki band bI
can share raisin bran at some diner and walk through the
cool early September airand then I am crying again.bI bury my face and sob into m
y pillow so my parentsb
mbebmbllbmbe
will not hear.b
Sing and Spell and Chan_
IW
getW
upW
atW
4:30W
a.m.W
andW
startW
liftingW
soW
IW
willW
beW
done
with my workout by kicko.., and when I ..nally come up
fromW
theW
basement,W
theW
houseW
smellsW
likeW
crabbyW
snacks,
three-meatsW
pizza,W
andW
bu..aloW
wings.W
SmellsW
good,W
I
sayW
toW
myW
momW
whileW
IW
putW
onW
myW
trashW
bag,W
andW
theU
Im out the door for a ten-mile runf
IW
amW
shockedW
toW
seeW
thatW
Ti..anyW
isW
joggingW
upW
anY
downW
theW
block,W
becauseW
sheW
didW
notW
runW
behindW
me
yesterday,W
andW
also,W
IW
amW
runningW
inW
theW
a.m.,W
whichW
ih
not my regular time to runf
IW
jogW
towardW
KnightsW
Park,W
andW
whenW
IW
lookW
overW
my
shoulder,W
IW
seeW
shesW
followingW
meW
again.W
HowW
didW
you
knowW
thatW
IW
wouldW
beW
runningW
early?W
IW
say,W
butW
she
keeps her head down and only follows silentlyf
We run our ten miles, and when I return to my house,
Ti..anyW
runsW
onW
withoutW
sayingW
anything,W
asW
ifW
weW
had
neverW
evenW
eatenW
raisinW
branW
togetherW
atW
theW
dinerW
anY
nothing has changedf
p
[
IW
seeW
myW
brothersW
silverW
BMWW
parkedW
inW
frontW
ofW
my
parentsW
house,W
soW
IW
sneakW
inW
theW
backW
door,W
runW
upW
th[
stairs,W
andW
jump intoW
theW
shower.W
WhenW
IW
..nis^
showering,W
IW
putW
onW
myW
HankW
BaskettW
jerseywhichW
my
motherW
hasW
laundered,W
gettingW
theW
makeupW
o..W
th[
numbersandW
thenW
followW
theW
soundW
ofW
theW
pregame
show to the family room, ready to root on the Birdsf
MyW
bestW
friend,W
Ronnie,W
isW
seatedW
nextW
toW
myW
brother"
whichW
surprisesW
me.W
BothW
ofW
themW
areW
wearingW
greeU
awayW
jerseysW
withW
theW
numberW
18W
andW
theW
name
StallworthW
onW
theW
backRonniesW
isW
aW
cheapW
replica
jersey with iron-on numbers, but Jakes is authentic. Dad
isW
inW
hisW
chair,W
wearingW
hisW
numberW
5W
McNabbW
replica
jerseyf
WhenW
IW
say,W
GoW
Birdh
W
myW
brotherW
stands,W
turnsW
tk
faceW
me,W
putsW
bothW
handsW
inW
theW
air,W
andW
says
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh^
until Ronnie and my dad also stand,
faceW
me,W
raiseW
theirW
handsW
inW
theW
air,W
andW
say
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh^
When I raise my hands in the air
andW
sayW
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh^
W
allW
fourW
ofW
usW
doW
theW
chant,
rapidlyW
spellingW
theW
lettersW
withW
ourW
armsW
andW
bodies
.
-
-
-'
-.
-S
W
EAGLES
shootingW
outW
twoW
arms
andW
aW
legW
toW
makeW
anW
E,W
touchingW
ourW
..ngertipsW
high
above our heads to make an A, and so forthf
When we ..nish, my brother makes his way around the
couch,W
putsW
anW
armW
aroundW
myW
shoulders,W
andW
startsW
tk
sing the ..ght song, which I remember and sing with him.
Fly, Eagles, ..n
On the road to victorn
Im so happy tk
[
_
[
_
c_
g
_
be singing with my brother I do not even get mad at him
forW
puttingW
hisW
armW
aroundW
me.W
WeW
walkW
aroundW
th[
couchW
asW
weW
sing,W
Fight,W
Eagles,W
..gh_
W
ScoreW
X
touchdown,W
one,W
two,W
thre[
W
IW
lookW
atW
myW
dad,W
andW
he
doesW
notW
lookW
away,W
butW
onlyW
startsW
singingW
withW
more
enthusiasm. Ronnie throws his arm around me, and then
I am in between my brother and my best friend. Hit em
low.W
HitW
emW
high.W
AndW
watchW
ourW
EaglesW
..n
W
IW
seeW
tha_
myW
momW
hasW
comeW
inW
toW
watch,W
andW
sheW
hasW
herW
hand
overW
herW
mouthW
againW
likeW
sheW
doesW
wheneverW
sheW
is
aboutW
toW
laugh orW
cryherW
eyesW
lookW
happy,W
soW
IW
know
she is laughing under her hands. Fly, Eagles, ..n
On the
road to victorn
And then Ronnie and Jake remove their
armsW
fromW
myW
neckW
soW
theyW
canW
makeW
theW
lettersW
agaiU
withW
theirW
bodies.W
.
-
-
-'
-.
-S
W
EAGLES
W
WereW
all
red-faced, and my father is breathing heavy, but everyone
isW
soW
happy,W
andW
forW
theW
..rstW
timeW
IW
reallyW
feelW
likeW
IW
ag
homef
MyW
momW
setsW
upW
theW
foodW
onW
TVW
trays,W
andW
theW
gam[
begins.W
ImW
notW
supposedW
toW
drink,W
IW
sayW
whenW
Mog
distributesW
theW
bottlesW
ofW
Budweiser,W
butW
myW
fatherW
says,
YouW
canW
drinkW
beerW
duringW
EaglesW
games.W
MomW
shrugs
and smiles as she hands me a cold beer. I ask my brother
and Ronnie why they arent also wearing Baskett jerseys,
sinceW
BaskettW
isW
theW
man,W
andW
theyW
tellW
meW
theW
Eagleh
wereW
ableW
toW
tradeW
forW
DontW
Stallworth,W
andW
that Dont.
StallworthW
isW
nowW
theW
man.W
BecauseW
IW
amW
wearingW
mn
BaskettW
jersey,W
IW
insist thatW
BaskettW
isW
theW
man,W
toW
whic^
et_
[
[
_
_
_
et_
_
[
g
_
c
myW
fatherW
blowsW
airW
throughW
hisW
teeth,W
andW
myW
cocky
brother says, Well see soon, which is a weird thing for
him to say, considering he was the one who gave me the
BaskettW
jerseyW
inW
theW
..rstW
placeW
andW
justW
twoW
weeksW
ago
assured me that Baskett was really the manf
MyW
motherW
watchesW
theW
gameW
nervously,W
likeW
she
alwaysW
does,W
becauseW
sheW
knowsW
thatW
ifW
theW
EaglesW
lose,
my father will be in a bad mood for an entire week and
willW
yellW
atW
herW
aW
lot.W
RonnieW
andW
JakeW
tradeW
factsW
about
di..erentW
playersW
andW
checkW
theW
screensW
onW
theirW
cell
phones for updates on other games andW
players, because
theyW
bothW
playW
fantasyW
football,W
whichW
isW
aW
computer
game that gives you points for picking players who score
touchdownsW
andW
gainW
yardage.W
AndW
IW
glanceW
overW
atW
my
fatherW
fromW
timeW
toW
time,W
makingW
sureW
heW
seesW
me
cheering,W
becauseW
IW
knowW
heW
isW
onlyW
willingW
toW
sitW
inW
the
sameW
roomW
withW
hisW
mentallyW
derangedW
sonW
asW
longW
asW
I
amW
rootingW
forW
theW
BirdsW
withW
everythingW
IW
got.W
IW
have to
admit that it feels good to sit in the same room with my
father,W
evenW
thoughW
heW
hatesW
meW
andW
IW
stillW
haveW
not
forgivenW
himW
aW
hundredW
percentW
forW
kickingW
meW
inW
th[
attic and punching me in the facef
TheW
HoustonW
TexansW
scoreW
..rst,W
andW
DadW
startsW
cursing
prettyW
loudly,W
soW
muchW
thatW
myW
motherW
leavesW
theW
room,
sayingW
sheW
willW
bringW
usW
newW
beers,W
andW
RonnieW
staresW
at
theW
television,W
pretendingW
heW
hasW
notW
heardW
whatW
my
father has said, which is, Play some fucking defense, you
piece-of-shitW
overpaidW
secondarn
W
ThisW
isW
theW
Texans,W
no_
ec[
j
_
[
ep
)
_
[
T[
_
theW
DallasW
Cowgirls.W
TheW
fuckingW
Texanh
W
JesusW
fucking
Chris_
'
Relax, Dad, Jake says. We got this.'
MomW
distributesW
theW
beers,W
andW
DadW
sipsW
quietlyW
forW
a
while,W
butW
whenW
McNabbW
throwsW
anW
interception,W
my
fatherW
startsW
pointingW
hisW
..ngerW
atW
theW
televisionW
and
cursingW
evenW
louder,W
sayingW
thingsW
aboutW
McNabbW
tha_
wouldW
makeW
myW
friendW
DannyW
goW
wild,W
becauseW
Danny
says only black people can use the n-wordf
Luckily,W
DontW
StallworthW
isW
indeedW
theW
man,W
because
when McNabb starts throwingW
to him,W
the EaglesW
build a
lead and Dad stops cursing and starts to smile againf
AtW
halftime,W
JakeW
talksW
myW
dadW
intoW
joiningW
usW
outside
forW
aW
catch,W
andW
thenW
theW
fourW
ofW
usW
areW
throwingW
a
footballW
aroundW
onW
ourW
street.W
OneW
ofW
ourW
neighbors
comes out with his son, and we let them join in. The kid
is only maybe ten, and he cannot really reach us from his
yard,W
but sinceW
he isW
wearing aW
green jersey,W
we throw it
toW
himW
againW
andW
again.W
HeW
dropsW
everyW
pass,W
butW
we
cheer for him anyway; the kid smiles wildly, and his dad
nods appreciatively at us whenever one of us catches his
eyef
JakeW
andW
IW
areW
theW
farthestW
apart,W
andW
weW
sendW
each
otherW
longW
passesW
downW
theW
streetW
andW
oftenW
haveW
toW
ruU
evenW
fartherW
toW
catch theW
throws.W
NeitherW
ofW
usW
dropsW
a
single pass, because we are excellent athletesf
My dad mostly just stands around sipping his beer, bu_
g
_
_
_
e[
_
weW
throwW
himW
someW
easyW
balls,W
whichW
heW
catchesW
with
oneW
handW
andW
thenW
tossesW
theW
footballW
underhandW
to
Ronnie,W
whoW
isW
standingW
closestW
toW
him.W
RonnieW
hasW
a
weak arm, but neither Jake nor I point this out, because
heW
isW
ourW
friendW
andW
weW
areW
allW
wearingW
greenW
andW
the
sunW
isW
shiningW
andW
theW
EaglesW
areW
winningW
andW
weW
areW
so
fullW
ofW
goodW
hotW
foodW
andW
ice-coldW
beerW
itW
doesntW
really
matter that Ronnies athletic ability is not equal to oursf
WhenW
MomW
announcesW
thatW
halftimeW
isW
almostW
over"
JakeW
runsW
overW
toW
theW
littleW
kid;W
myW
brotherW
putsW
his
hands in the air and yells Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh^
until the
kidsW
dadW
doesW
theW
sameW
thing.W
TheW
littleW
guyW
catchesW
on
afterW
onlyW
aW
second,W
putsW
hisW
handsW
inW
theW
air,W
yells
Ahhhhhhhhhh^
and then we all do the Eagles chant
spellingW
theW
lettersW
outW
withW
ourW
armsW
andW
legsbefore
running back into our respective family roomsf
DontW
StallworthW
continuesW
toW
beW
theW
manW
inW
the
secondW
half,W
gainingW
almostW
150W
yardsW
andW
aW
TD,W
while
BaskettW
doesW
notW
evenW
getW
aW
decentW
ballW
thrownW
toW
hig
andW
failsW
toW
recordW
aW
singleW
catch.W
ImW
notW
allW
thatW
upse_
aboutW
this,W
becauseW
aW
funnyW
thingW
happensW
atW
theW
endW
oj
the gamef
WhenW
theW
EaglesW
winW
2410,W
weW
allW
standW
toW
singW
th[
EaglesW
..ghtW
songW
togetherW
likeW
weW
alwaysW
doW
whenever
theW
BirdsW
winW
aW
regularW
seasonW
game.W
MyW
brotherW
throws
hisW
armsW
aroundW
RonnieW
andW
meW
andW
says,W
ComeW
on,
Dad.W
MyW
dadW
isW
aW
littleW
drunkW
fromW
allW
theW
beerW
andW
sk
happyW
aboutW
theW
EaglesW
victoryandW
theW
factW
tha_
_
_
[
[
c_
_
[
j
c_
_
_
McNabbW
threwW
forW
moreW
thanW
300W
yardsthatW
heW
lineh
upW
withW
usW
andW
throwsW
hisW
armW
aroundW
myW
shoulders,
whichW
shocksW
meW
atW
..rst,W
notW
becauseW
IW
dontW
likeW
being
touched,W
butW
because myW
fatherW
hasW
notW
putW
hisW
arm
around me in many years. The weight and warmth of his
armW
makesW
meW
feelW
good,W
andW
asW
weW
singW
theW
..ghtW
song
and do the chant afterward, I catch my mother looking at
usW
fromW
theW
kitchen,W
whereW
sheW
isW
washingW
dishes.W
She
smilesW
atW
meW
evenW
thoughW
sheW
isW
cryingW
again,W
andW
I
wonder why as I sing and spell and chantf
Jake asks Ronnie if he needs a ride home, and my best
friendW
says,W
No,W
thanks.W
HankW
BaskettW
isW
walkingW
m[
home.'
IW
am?W
IW
say,W
becauseW
HankW
BaskettW
isW
theW
name
RonnieW
andW
JakeW
calledW
meW
allW
throughoutW
theW
gameso
I know he really means mef
Yep,W
heW
says,W
andW
weW
grabW
theW
footballW
onW
theW
wan
outf
WhenW
weW
getW
toW
KnightsW
Park,W
weW
throwW
theW
footbal\
backW
andW
forth,W
standingW
onlyW
twentyW
feetW
awayW
from
eachW
otherW
becauseW
RonnieW
hasW
aW
weakW
arm,W
andW
afterW
a
fewW
catchesW
myW
bestW
friendW
asksW
meW
whatW
IW
thinkW
abou_
Tiffanyf
Nothing,W
IW
say.W
IW
dontW
thinkW
anythingW
aboutW
herW
a_
all. Why?'
VeronicaW
toldW
meW
thatW
Ti..anyW
followsW
youW
whenW
yoa
run. True?'
)
eq
I catch a wobbly pass, say, Yeah. Its sort of weird. She
knows my schedule and everything, and throw a perfect
spiral just over Ronnies right shoulder so he can catch it
on the runf
He doesnt turnf
He doesnt runf
The ball goes over his headf
Ronnie retrieves the ball, jogs back into his range, and
says,W
Ti..anyW
isW
aW
littleW
odd.W
DoW
youW
understandW
whatW
`
mean by odd, Pat?'
IW
catchW
hisW
evenW
moreW
wobblyW
passW
justW
beforeW
it
reachesW
myW
rightW
kneecap,W
andW
say,W
IW
guess.W
`
understand that Ti..any is di..erent fromW
mostW
girls,W
butW
I
also understand what it is like to be separated from your
spouse,W
whichW
isW
somethingW
RonnieW
doesW
notW
understand.
So I ask, Odd how? Odd like me?'
His face drops, and then he says, No. I didnt mean
Its just that Tiffany is seeing a therapist'
So am I.'
I know, but'
So seeing a therapist makes me odd?'
No.W
JustW
listenW
toW
meW
forW
aW
second.W
ImW
tryingW
toW
b[
your friend. Okay?'
I look down at the grass as Ronnie walks over to me. I
dont really want to hear Ronnie talk his way out of this
one, because Ronnie is the only friend I have, now that `
[
ep
[
[
_
[
j
[
[
_
_
amW
outW
ofW
theW
badW
place,W
andW
weW
haveW
hadW
suchW
aW
great
day, and the Eagles have won, and my father put his arm
around me, andv
IW
knowW
Ti..anyW
andW
youW
wentW
outW
toW
dinner,W
whichW
is
great.W
YouW
bothW
couldW
probablyW
useW
aW
friendW
who
understands loss.'
IW
dontW
likeW
theW
wayW
heW
collectivelyW
usesW
theW
word
loss,W
asW
ifW
IW
haveW
lostW
NikkiasW
inW
foreverbecauseW
`
am still riding out apart time and I have not lost her yet.
But I dont say anything, and let him continuef
Listen,W
RonnieW
says.W
IW
wantW
toW
tellW
youW
whyW
Ti..ann
was fired from her job.'
Thats none of my business.'
It is if you are going to have dinners with her. Listen,
you need to know that '
RonnieW
tellsW
meW
whatW
heW
believesW
isW
theW
storyW
ofW
hol
Ti..anyW
lostW
herW
job,W
butW
theW
wayW
heW
tellsW
itW
provesW
heW
ih
biased.W
HeW
tellsW
itW
justW
likeW
Dr.W
TimbersW
would,W
stating
whatW
heW
wouldW
callW
facts,W
withW
noW
regardW
forW
whatW
was
goingW
onW
inW
Ti..anysW
head.W
HeW
tellsW
meW
whatW
coworkers
wrote in their reports, he tells me what her boss told her
parents and what the therapist has since said to Veronica
whoW
isW
Ti..anysW
designatedW
supportW
buddyW
and
thereforeW
hasW
weeklyW
phoneW
conversationsW
withW
Ti..anys
therapistbutW
heW
neverW
onceW
tellsW
meW
whatW
Ti..any
thinksW
orW
whatW
isW
goingW
onW
inW
herW
heart:W
theW
awful
feelings,W
theW
con..ictingW
impulses,W
theW
needs,W
th[
fe[
_
[
p
c_
g
[
_
[
e[
_
e
desperation,W
everythingW
thatW
makesW
herW
di..erentW
from
RonnieW
andW
Veronica,W
whoW
haveW
eachW
otherW
andW
their
daughter,W
Emily,W
andW
aW
goodW
incomeW
andW
aW
houseW
and
everythingW
elseW
thatW
keepsW
peopleW
fromW
callingW
them
odd.W
WhatW
amazesW
meW
isW
thatW
RonnieW
isW
tellingW
meW
al\
thisW
inW
aW
friendlyW
manner,W
asW
ifW
heW
isW
tryingW
toW
saveW
me
fromW
Ti..anysW
ways,W
asW
ifW
heW
knowsW
moreW
aboutW
these
sorts of things than I do, as if I had not spent the last few
monthsW
inW
aW
mentalW
institution.W
HeW
doesW
notW
understand
Ti..any, and he sureW
as hellW
doesnt understand me, but I
doW
notW
holdW
itW
againstW
Ronnie,W
becauseW
IW
amW
practicinV
beingW
kindW
ratherW
thanW
right,W
soW
NikkiW
willW
beW
ableW
tk
love me again when apart time is overf
SoW
ImW
notW
tellingW
youW
toW
beW
meanW
orW
toW
gossipW
abou_
herjust protect yourself, okay? Ronnie says, and I nod.
Well,W
IW
betterW
beW
gettingW
homeW
toW
Veronica.W
MaybeW
Il\
drop in this week for a lifting session? Cool?'
IW
nodW
againW
andW
watchW
himW
jogW
awayW
fromW
me,W
the
bouncyW
stepsW
suggestingW
thatW
heW
thinksW
hisW
missionW
is
accomplished.W
ItW
isW
obviousW
heW
wasW
onlyW
allowedW
to
watch the game becauseW
Veronica wantedW
him toW
talk to
meW
aboutW
Ti..any,W
probablyW
becauseW
VeronicaW
thoughtW
`
might take advantage of her nymphomaniac sister, which
makesW
meW
veryW
mad,W
andW
beforeW
IW
knowW
it,W
ImW
ringinV
the Websters doorbellf
Hello?W
Ti..anysW
momW
saysW
toW
meW
whenW
theW
door
opens.W
SheW
isW
older-looking,W
withW
grayW
hairW
andW
aW
heavy
sweater-coat, even though it is only September and she ih
[
t[
p
_
[
[
_
_
[
teg
[
e
insidef
May I speak with Tiffany?'
Youre Ronnies friend, right? Pat Peoples?'
I only nod, because I know Mrs. Webster knows who I
amf
DoW
youW
mindW
ifW
IW
askW
whatW
youW
wantW
withW
our
daughter?'
WhosW
there?W
IW
hearW
Ti..anysW
fatherW
callW
fromW
th[
other roomf
ItsW
justW
RonniesW
friend,W
PatW
Peopleh
W
Mrs.W
Webster
yells.W
ToW
meW
sheW
says,W
SoW
whatW
doW
youW
wantW
withW
our
Tiffany?'
IW
lookW
downW
atW
theW
footballW
inW
myW
handW
andW
say,W
`
wantW
toW
haveW
aW
catch.W
ItsW
aW
beautifulW
afternoon.W
Maybe
she would like to get some fresh air in the park?'
Just a catch? Mrs. Webster saysf
IW
holdW
upW
myW
weddingW
ringW
toW
proveW
IW
doW
notW
wantW
tk
haveW
sexW
withW
herW
daughter,W
andW
say,W
Listen,W
Im
married. I just want to be Tiffanys friend, okay?'
Mrs.W
WebsterW
looksW
aW
littleW
surprisedW
byW
myW
answer,
which is odd because I was sure that was the answer she
wanted to hear. But after a moment she says, Go around
back and knock on the door.'
So I knock on the back door, but no one answersf
I knock three more times and then leavef
ImW
halfwayW
throughW
theW
parkW
whenW
IW
hearW
aW
swishn
g
j
_
_
[
[
e
soundW
behindW
me.W
WhenW
IW
turnW
around,W
Ti..anyW
isW
speed
walking toward me, wearing a pink tracksuit made from
aW
materialW
thatW
swishesW
whenW
oneW
pantW
legW
rubsW
against
theW
other.W
WhenW
sheW
isW
aboutW
..veW
feetW
away,W
IW
throwW
hei
aW
light,W
girlyW
pass,W
butW
sheW
stepsW
asideW
andW
theW
footbal\
falls to the groundf
What do you want? she saysf
Want to have a catch?'
I hate football. I told you this, no?'
Since she doesnt want to have a catch, I decide Ill just
askW
herW
myW
question:W
WhyW
doW
youW
followW
meW
whenW
`
run?'
Honestly?'
Yeah, I sayf
SheW
squintsW
herW
eyesW
andW
makesW
herW
faceW
lookW
mean.
Im scouting you.'
What?'
I said Im scouting you.'
Why?'
To see if you are fit enough.'
Fit enough for what?'
ButW
insteadW
ofW
answeringW
myW
question,W
sheW
says,W
Im
alsoW
scoutingW
yourW
workW
ethic,W
yourW
endurance,W
theW
wan
youW
dealW
withW
mentalW
strain,W
yourW
abilityW
toW
persevere
whenW
youW
areW
unsureW
ofW
whatW
isW
happeningW
aroundW
you,
and'
Why?'
I cant tell you yet, she saysf
Why not?'
Because I havent finished scouting you.'
When she walks away, I follow her past the pond, ovei
theW
footbridge,W
andW
outW
ofW
theW
park.W
ButW
neitherW
ofW
uh
speaks againf
SheW
leadsW
meW
toW
HaddonW
Avenue,W
andW
weW
walkW
byW
the
newW
storesW
andW
swankyW
restaurants,W
passingW
lotsW
ofW
other
pedestrians,W
kidsW
onW
skateboards,W
andW
menW
whoW
raise
theirW
..stsW
inW
theW
airW
andW
say,W
GoW
Eagleh
W
whenW
theyW
se[
my Hank Baskett jerseyf
Ti..anyW
turnsW
o..W
HaddonW
AvenueW
andW
weavesW
throug^
residentialW
blocksW
untilW
weW
areW
inW
frontW
ofW
myW
parents
house,W
whereW
sheW
stops,W
looksW
atW
me,W
andafterW
almost
an hour of silencesays, Did your team win?'
I nod. Twenty-four to ten.'
Lucky you, Tiffany says, and then walks awayf
The Best Therapist in the Entire World
The Monday morning after the Eagles beat the Texans, a
funny thing happens. Im doing some initial stretching in
the basement, ..when my father ..comes down for ..the ..rst
time since I have been home...
Pat? he says...
I ..stop ..stretching, ..stand ..up, ..and ..face ..him. ..Hes ..on ..the
last step, stopped as if he is afraid to set a foot down on
my territory...
Dad?..
You certainly got a lot of equipment down here...
I ..dont ..say ..anything, ..because ..I ..know ..he ..is ..probably
mad at my mother for buying me a gym...
Theres ..pretty ..good ..Eagles ..coverage ..in ..the ..papers
today, ..he ..says, ..and ..then ..extends ..the ..sports ..sections ..of
the Courier-Post ..and The Philadelphia Inquirer to me. I
got up early and ..nished reading both so that you could
keep ..up ..with ..the ..team. ..By ..your ..comments yesterday
during ..the ..game, ..I ..could ..tell ..you dont ..know ..all ..of ..the..
r..n..m..c..n..n..
players, and I thought maybe youd like to follow along
this ..season ..now ..that ..youre ..home ..andwell, ..Ill ..justleave them on the
top step from now on...
Im too shocked to speak or move, because my fatherhas taken the sports pages with
him to work ever since
Jake and I were little kids. Jake used to ..ght with Dad..
all the time about this, asking him to at least bring home
the ..sports ..sections ..after ..work ..so ..we ..could ..read ..the
articles after we ..nished our homework. But Dad always
left with the papers before we were out of bed, and he
never ..brought ..the ..sports ..sections ..home ..for ..us ..ever,
saying ..he ..forgot ..or ..lost ..them ..at ..work. ..Jake ..nally..
subscribed ..himself ..when ..he ..got ..his ..rst ..job ..stocking
shelves ..at ..the ..local ..Big ..Foods, ..and ..this ..was ..when ..we
started ..reading ..the ..daily ..sports ..pages ..together ..everymorning befor
e school. He was twelve; I was thirteen...
I do three hundred sit-ups on the Stomach Master 6000before ..I ..allow ..myself
..to ..pick ..up ..the ..paper ..from ..the
bottom step. As my stomach muscles crunch and burn, I
worry that my father is only playing a mean trick on me
and ..that ..the ..papers ..will ..be ..the ..entertainment ..or ..food
sections, but when I ..nish the sit-ups and make my way
to the steps, I see that Dad really did leave me the sportssections of both pape
rs...
When it is time for me to take my a.m. pills, I ..nd mymom in the kitchen cookin
g eggs. My plate is set at the
breakfast bar, and my ..ve morning pills are laid out in a
line on a napkin...
p..
Look, I say, and hold up what my father gave me...
Sports pages, eh? Mom says over the sound of frying
eggs...
Yeah. ..I ..sit ..down ..and ..pop ..all ..ve ..pills ..into ..my
mouth, trying to decide how many I will swallow today.
But why?..
Mom scrapes the eggs from the pan and onto my plate
with her ..spatula. ..She ..smiles ..and ..says, ..Your ..father ..is..
trying, ..Pat. ..But ..I ..wouldnt ..ask ..too ..many ..questions ..if ..I
were you. Take what he gives you and be happythats
what we do, right?..
She smiles at me hopefully, and right then I decide to
swallow all ..ve pills, so I take a sip of water and do just
that...
Every day that week, I hear the basement door open and
close, ..and ..when ..I ..check ..the ..top ..step, ..I ..nd ..the ..sports
sections, ..which ..I ..read ..from ..cover ..to ..cover ..while ..I ..eat
breakfast with Mom...
The ..big ..news ..is ..the ..upcoming ..Giants ..game, ..which
everyone thinks will be the key to winning the NFC East,
especially ..since ..the ..Giants ..have ..already ..lost ..to ..the
Indianapolis Colts in game one. A loss will put them at
02 and the Eagles at 20. The game is being hyped as a
big one, and I have a ticket, thanks to Jake, which makes
me really excited...
mr..c..
Each ..night, ..I ..wait ..for ..my ..dad ..to ..come ..home ..from
work, hoping he might want to talk about the upcoming
game ..with ..meso ..I can use the ..current ..players ..names
and ..prove ..to ..him ..that ..I ..am ..a ..real ..fan ..againbut ..he
always takes his dinner into his study and locks the door.
A few times I actually go to his study and raise a ..st to
knock, ..but ..I ..chicken ..out ..every ..night. ..Mom ..says, ..Give..
him time...
Sitting ..in ..the ..brown ..recliner, ..I ..talk ..about ..my ..dad ..with
Dr. ..Cli.. ..during ..my Friday appointment. I ..tell ..him ..how
Dad ..is ..leaving ..me ..the ..sports ..sections ..now, ..and ..how ..I..
know ..this ..is ..a ..huge ..deal ..for ..Dad, ..but ..I ..wish ..he ..would
talk ..to ..me ..more. ..Cli.. ..listens, ..but ..says ..little ..about ..my
father. ..Instead ..he ..keeps ..bringing ..up ..Ti..any, ..which ..is
sort of annoying because she has only been following me
when I run, and thats about it...
Your ..mother ..says ..you ..are ..going ..to ..the ..beach ..with
Ti..any ..tomorrow, ..Cli.. ..says, ..and ..then ..smiles ..like ..men
sometimes ..do ..when ..they ..are ..talking ..about ..women ..and
sex...
Im going with Ronnie and Veronica and baby Emily
too. ..The ..whole ..point ..is ..to ..take ..Emily ..to ..the ..beach..
because ..she ..did ..not ..get ..to ..go much ..this ..summer ..and ..it
will be cold soon. Little kids love the beach, Cliff...
Are you excited about going?..
Sure. I guess. I mean, Ill have to get up super early to..
r..mn..ppr..r
get a good workout in and ..nish when we come home,..
but..
What about seeing Tiffany in a bathing suit?..
I blink several times before I grasp what he has said to
me...
You said before that she has a nice body, Cli.. adds.
Are ..you ..looking ..forward ..to ..seeing ..it? ..Maybe ..she ..will
wear a bikini. What do you think?..
I ..feel ..mad ..for ..a ..secondbecause ..my ..therapist ..is ..sort
of ..being ..disrespectfulbut ..then ..I ..realize ..Cli.. ..is ..testing
my ..morals ..again, ..making ..sure ..I ..am ..t ..to ..be ..out ..of ..the
mental ..institution, ..so ..I ..smile, ..nod, ..and ..say, ..Cli.., ..Im..
married, remember?..
He nods back wisely and winks, making me feel like I
passed the test...
We ..talk ..a ..little ..more ..about ..how ..I ..made ..it ..through ..a
whole ..week ..without ..having ..an ..episode, ..which ..is
evidence that the drugs are working, according to Cli..
because ..he ..doesnt ..know ..I ..spit ..at ..least ..half ..of ..the ..pills
into ..the ..toiletand ..when ..it ..is ..time ..for ..me ..to ..go, ..Cli..
says, I just have one more thing to say to you...
What?..
He ..shocks ..me ..by ..jumping ..to ..his ..feet, ..throwing ..both
hands in the air, and yelling Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!..
So I jump to my feet, throw both hands in the air, and
yell Ahhhhhhhhhhh! too...
[
E!-A!-G!-L!-E!-S!W
EAGLES!W
weW
chantW
inW
unisonl
spelling the letters with our arms and legs, and suddenly
I am so happyn
Cli..W
predictsW
aW
2114W
EaglesW
victoryW
asW
heW
walksW
me
out of his o..ce, and after I agree with his prognosis, we
enterW
theW
waitingW
roomW
andW
myW
motherW
says,W
WereW
you
two just doing the Eagles chant?8
Cliff raises his eyebrows and shrugs his shoulders at my
mother,W
butW
whenW
heW
turnsW
toW
walkW
backW
intoW
hisW
o..ce,
heW
beginsW
whistlingW
Fly,W
Eagles,W
Fly,W
atW
whichW
pointW
I
knowW
thatW
IW
amW
seeingW
theW
bestW
therapistW
inW
theW
entire
worldn
OnW
theW
driveW
home,W
myW
motherW
asksW
meW
ifW
Cli..W
andW
I
talkedW
aboutW
anythingW
otherW
thanW
EaglesW
footballW
during
theW
therapyW
session,W
andW
insteadW
ofW
answeringW
her
question,W
IW
say,W
DoW
youW
thinkW
thatW
DadW
willW
startW
talking
to me at night if the Eagles beat the Giants?8
MomW
frowns,W
gripsW
theW
steeringW
wheelW
aW
littleW
harder.
TheW
sadW
realityW
isW
heW
might,W
Pat.W
HeW
reallyW
might,W
she
says, and I start to get my hopes upn
Tiffanys Head Floating over the Wave[
When xRonnie xpicks xme xup xin xhis xminivanwhich xhas
three rows of seatsTi..any is already buckled in next to
Emilys xcar xseat, xso xI xclimb xinto xthe xvery xback, xcarrying
the xfootball xand xthe xbag xmy xmother xpacked xme, xwhich
contains xa xtowel, xa xchange xof xclothes, xand xa xbagged
lunch, even though I told Mom that Ronnie was bringing
hoagies from the local deli.xOf xcourse xmy xmother xfeels xthe xneed xto xstand
xon xthe
front xporch xand xwave, xas xif xI xwere x..ve xyears xold.
Veronica, xwho xis xriding xin xthe xfront xpassengers xseat,
leans xover xRonnie xand xyells xto xmy xmother. xThanks xfor
the xwine xand x..owers! xMy xmother xtakes xthis xas xan
invitation xto xwalk xto xthe xminivan xand xhave xa
conversation.xHow xdo xyou xlike xthe xout..t xI xbought xfor xPat? xmy
mom says when she reaches Ronnies window. She ducks
down xand xtakes xa xlong xlook xat xTi..any, xbut xTi..any xhas
already xturned xher xhead xaway xfrom xmy xmother xand xisx
dxdhxhdwxhxdslooking out the window at the house across the street.x
The xout..t xI xam xwearing xis xridiculous: xa xbright xorangepolo shirt, brigh
t green swimming shorts, and flip-flops. I
did xnot xwant xto xwear xany xof xthis, xbut xI xknew xVeronica
was xlikely xto xmake xa xfuss xif xI xwore xone xof xmy xcuto.. xT-
shirts xand xa xpair xof xworkout xshorts. xSince xVeronica xand
my xmother xhave xpretty xmuch xthe xsame xtaste, xI xallowed
my xmother xto xdress xmeplus, xit xmakes xMom xreallyxhappy.x
He xlooks xgreat, xMrs. xPeoples, xVeronica xsays, xandRonnie nods in agreement.x
Hello, xTi..any, xmy xmother xsays, xsticking xher xheadinto the car a little more
, but Tiffany ignores her.x
Ti..any? Veronica says, but Ti..any continues to stareout the window.x
Have you met Emily yet? Ronnie asks, and then he is
out xof xthe xcar xand xEmily xis xunbuckled xfrom xher xcar xseat
and xplaced xin xmy xmothers xarms. xMoms xvoice xgets xall
funny xas xshe xtalks xto xEmily, xand xstanding xnext xto xMom,
Veronica and Ronnie are all smiles.x
This goes on for a few minutes, until Ti..any turns herhead xand xsays, xI xthoug
ht xwe xwere xgoing xto xthe xbeachx
today.x
Sorry, Mrs. Peoples, Veronica says. My sister can bea xlittle xblunt xsometimes, xb
ut xwe xprobably xshould xget
going so we can have lunch on the beach.xMy mother quickly nods and says, Have a g
ood time,x
hxqxdsxdxsxsxHxdx
Pat, xas xRonnie xbuckles xEmily xback xinto xher xcar xseat.
Again I feel like I am five.xOn the way to the shore, Ronnie and Veronica talk t
o
Ti..any xand xme xthe xsame xway xthey xtalk xto xEmilyas xif
they xare xnot xreally xexpecting xa xresponse, xsaying xthings
that really dont need to be said at all. Cant wait to get
on xthe xbeach. xWere xgoing xto xhave xsuch xa xgood xtime.
What xshould xwe xdo x..rstswim, xwalk xthe beach, xorx
throw xthe xfootball? xSuch xa xnice xday. xAre xyou xguys
having fun? Cant wait to eat those hoagies!xAfter twenty minutes of non-talk, Tiffan
y says, Can we
please xhave xsome xquiet xtime? xand xwe xride xthe xrest xof
the xway xlistening xto xthe xyelling xnoises xEmily xmakes
what her parents claim is singing.xWe xdrive xthrough xOcean xCity xand xover xa
xbridge xto xa
beach xI xdo xnot xknow. xLittle xless xcrowded xdown xhere,x
Ronnie explains.xWhen xwe xpark, xEmily xis xput xinto xwhat xlooks xlike xa
cross xbetween xa xstroller xand xa x44 xvehicle, xwhich
Veronica xpushes. xTi..any xcarries xthe xumbrella. xRonnie
and I carry the cooler, each of us grabbing a handle. We
take a wooden walkway over a sand dune covered with
sea oats and find that we have the beach all to ourselves.xNot another person an
ywhere to be seen.xAfter xa xbrief xdiscussion xabout xwhether xthe xtide xis
coming in or out, Veronica picks a dry patch and tries to
spread xout xthe xblanket xwhile xRonnie xbegins xdigging xthex
sj
_
g
wg
[
_
h
umbrella\
spike\
into\
the\
sand.\
But\
there\
is\
a\
breeze,\
and
Veronica has some trouble, as the wind keeps folding the
blanket over%
If\
it\
were\
anyone\
but\
Veronica,\
I\
would\
grab\
a\
corner
and help, but I do not want to get yelled at, so I wait for
instructions\
before\
I\
do\
anything.\
Ti..any\
does\
the\
same"
but Veronica fails to ask for help%
Maybe\
some\
sand\
gets\
kicked\
up\
or\
something,
because Emily starts screaming and rubbing her eyes%
Nice, Tiffany says%
Veronica\
immediately\
attends\
to\
Emily,\
telling\
her\
to
blink, demonstrating what to do, but Emily only screams
even louder%
I\
cant\
take\
a\
crying\
baby\
right\
now,\
Ti..any\
adds.
Make her stop crying. Veronica, would you please make
her"
Remember\
what\
Dr.\
Lily\
said?\
What\
did\
we\
talk
about\
this\
morning?\
Veronica\
says\
over\
her\
shoulder,
shooting\
Ti..any\
a\
serious\
look\
before\
turning\
her
attention back to Emily%
So\
now\
were\
talking\
about\
my\
therapist\
in\
front\
of
Pat?\
You\
fucking\
bitch,\
Ti..any\
says,\
shaking\
her\
head,
and then she is walking away from us quickly%
Christ,\
Veronica\
says.\
Ronnie,\
can\
you\
handle
Emily?"
Ronnie\
nods\
solemnly,\
and\
then\
Veronica\
is\
runnind
dsxsxdxhxVxs
after xTi..any, xsaying, xTi..? xCome xback. xCome xon. xImx
sorry. Im really sorry.xRonnie x..ushes xEmilys xeyes xwith xbottled xwater, xand
after xten xminutes xor xso, xshe xstops xcrying. xWe xget xthe
blanket xspread xout xunder xthe xshade xof xthe xumbrella,
weighting xthe xcorners xdown xwith xthe xcooler, xour x..ip-
..ops xand xsandals, xand xEmilys xsuper xstrollerbut
Veronica and Tiffany do not come back.xAfter xevery xinch xof xEmilys xskin xis x
coated xwith
sunscreen, xRonnie xand xI xplay xwith xher xdown xat xthe
waters xedge. xShe xlikes xrunning xafter xthe xwaves xas xthey
recede. xShe xlikes xdigging xin xthe xsand, xand xwe xhave xto
watch xto xmake xsure xshe xdoes xnot xeat xthe xsand, xwhich
seems weird to me, because why would anyone want to
eat xsand? xRonnie xcarries xEmily xout xinto xthe xocean, xand
we all float over the waves for a time.xI xask xif xwe xshould xbe xworried xabo
ut xVeronica xand
Ti..any, xand xRonnie xsays, xNo. xTheyre xjust xhaving xa
therapy session somewhere on the beach. Theyll be back
soon.xI dont like the way he emphasizes the word therapy,
as xif xtherapy xwere xsome xsort xof xridiculous xidea, xbut xI
dont say anything.xAfter xwe xdry xo.., xwe xall xlie xdown xon xthe xblanket
Ronnie and Emily in the shade, and me in the sun. I doze
off pretty quickly.xWhen xI xopen xmy xeyes, xRonnies xface xis xnext xto xmine;x
hpxsss
hes xsleeping. xI xfeel xa xtap xon xmy xshoulder, xand xwhen xI
roll xover, xI xsee that xEmily xhas xwalked xaround xtheblanket. She smiles at
me and says, Pap.x
Let xDaddy xsleep, xI xwhisper, xand xthen xpick xher xupand carry her down to the
water.x
For a while we sit and dig a small hole in the wet sand
with xour xhands, xbut xthen xEmily xstands xand xchases xthefoam of a receding
wave, laughing and pointing.x
Want to go swimming? I ask her, and she nods once,
so xI xscoop xher xup xinto xmy xarms xand xbegin xto xwade xout
into the water.x
The surf has picked up some and the waves have a lotmore xheight, xso xI xquickl
y xwalk xpast xthe xbreakers xto
where the water is up to my chest. Emily and I begin to
..oat over the swells. As the waves grow in size, I have to
jump xand xkick xreally xhard xto xkeep xboth xof xour xheads
above water, but Emily loves it and begins squealing and
laughing and clapping her hands every time we ..oat up.
This goes on for a good ten minutes, and I am so happy;
I kiss her chubby cheeks over and over. Something about
Emily xmakes xme xwant xto x..oat xover xwaves xwith xher xfor
the rest of my life, and I decide that when apart time isx
done, xI will xmake xa daughter xwith xNikki ASAP, xbecause
nothing xhas xmade xme xeven xclose xto xthis xhappy xsinceapart time began.x
The swells get even bigger. I lift Emily up and put heron xmy xshoulders xso xsh
e xwill xnot xhave xher xface xsplashedx
sg
_
[
[
sg
p
g
g
sj
sg
_
by\
the\
waves,\
and\
her\
squeals\
seem\
to\
suggest\
that\
she
likes being so high in the air%
We float up%
We float down%
We are so happy%
We are so, so happy%
But then I hear someone screaming%
Pat! Pat! Paaaaaaat!"
I\
turn\
and\
see\
that\
Veronica\
is\
running\
very\
quickly
down the beach, with Ti..any trailing far behind. I worry
that\
maybe\
something\
is\
wrong,\
so\
I\
start\
to\
make\
my
way in%
The\
waves\
are\
pretty\
big\
now,\
and\
I\
have\
to\
take
Emily down from my shoulders and hold her against my
chest\
to\
ensure\
her\
safety,\
but\
soon\
we\
are\
able\
to
negotiate our way back to Veronica, who is now running
into the surf%
When\
I\
get\
closer,\
Veronica\
seems\
to\
be\
very\
upset.
Emily starts to scream and reach for her mother%
What\
the\
hell\
are\
you\
doing?\
Veronica\
says\
to\
me
when I hand Emily over to her%
Im just swimming with Emily, I say%
Veronicas\
screaming\
must\
have\
woken\
up\
Ronnie,
because he has run down to meet us. What happened?"
You\
let Pat\
take\
Emily\
out\
into\
the\
ocean?\
Veronica
says,\
and\
by\
the\
way\
she\
says\
my\
name,\
its\
obvious\
sh^
sxsxdxhxwxshxsxsxsxsxsh
does xnot xwant xEmily xto xbe xleft xalone xwith xme, xbecause
she xthinks xI xam xgoing xto xhurt xEmily xsomehow, xwhich xis
unfairespecially xsince xEmily xonly xstarted xcrying xwhen
she heard Veronica screaming, so really Veronica was the
one who upset her own daughter.xWhat did you do to her? Ronnie says to me.xNothing,
I say. We were only swimming.xWhat were you doing? Veronica says to Ronnie.xI must of
fallen asleep, andxJesus Christ, Ronnie. You left Emily alone with him?xThe xway xV
eronica xsays xhim, xEmily xcrying, xRonniex
accusing xme xof xdoing xsomething xawful xto xhis xdaughter,
the xsun xburning xmy xbare xchest xand xback, xTi..any
watching xnowsuddenly xI xfeel xas xthough xI xmight
explode. xI xde..nitely xfeel xan xepisode xcoming xon, xso
before xI xblow xup, xI xdo xthe xonly xthing xI xcan xthink xof: xIx
start xrunning xdown xthe xbeach xaway xfrom xVeronica xand
Ronnie xand xEmily and xthe xcrying xand xthe xaccusations. xI
run as fast as I can, and suddenly I realize that now I am
crying, xprobably xbecause xI xwas xonly xswimming xwith
Emily and it felt so right and I was trying to be good and
thought xI was being good and I let my best friend down
and xVeronica xscreamed xat xme xand xits xnot xfair xbecause xI
have xbeen xtrying xso xhard xand xhow xlong xcan xthis xfucking
movie xlast xand xhow xmuch xmore xdo xI xneed xto ximprovex
myself andxTiffany passes me.x
j
s[
[
She runs by me like a blur%
Suddenly, only one thing matters: I need to pass her%
I start running faster and catch up to her, but she picks
up\
her\
speed\
and\
we\
run\
side\
by\
side\
for\
a\
time\
until\
I
..nd\
that\
gear\
women\
do\
not\
have,\
and\
I\
blow\
by\
her
and\
maintain\
my\
man\
speed\
for\
a\
minute\
or\
so\
before\
I
slow\
down\
and\
allow\
her\
to\
catch\
up\
with\
me.\
We\
jog
side\
by\
side\
on\
the\
beach\
for\
a\
long\
time,\
neither\
of\
us
saying a word%
What\
feels\
like\
an\
hour\
passes\
before\
we\
turn\
around,
and\
what\
feels\
like\
another\
hour\
passes\
before\
we\
see
Ronnie\
and\
Veronicas\
umbrella,\
but\
before\
we\
reach
them, Tiffany veers into the ocean%
I follow herrunning directly into the wavesand the
salt water feels so cool on my skin after a long run. Soon
we\
are\
in\
too\
deep\
to\
stand,\
and\
Ti..anys\
head\
is
..oating\
over\
the\
waves,\
which\
have\
calmed\
down
considerably.\
Her\
face\
is\
a\
little\
tan\
and\
her\
hair\
hangs
dark\
and\
wet\
and\
natural\
and\
I\
see\
freckles\
on\
her\
nose
that were not there earlier that morningso I swim over
to her%
A\
wave\
lifts\
me\
up,\
and\
when\
I\
come\
down\
over\
the
other\
side,\
I\
am\
surprised\
that\
our\
faces\
are\
very\
close.
For\
a\
second\
Ti..any\
reminds\
me\
so\
much\
of\
Nikki,\
I
worry\
we\
might\
accidentally\
kiss,\
but\
Ti..any\
swims\
a
few\
feet\
away\
from\
me\
before\
this\
happens,\
and\
I\
am
thankful%
hxHer xtoes xcome xup xout xof xthe xwater, xand xshe xbegins xto
float, facing the horizon.xI xlean xback, xstare xat xthe xline xwhere xsky xmee
ts xwater,
allow my toes to rise, and ..oat next to Ti..any for a long
time, neither of us saying anything.xWhen xwe xwalk xback xto xthe xblanket, xEm
ily xis xsleeping
with xa x..st xin xher xmouth, xand xVeronica xand xRonnie xarex
lying down, holding hands in the shade. When we stand
over xthem, xthey xsquint xand xsmile xat xus xlike xnothing xbad
had happened earlier.xHow was your run? Ronnie asks.xWe want to go home now, Tiffany
says.xWhy? xRonnie xsays, xsitting xup. xWe xhavent xeven
eaten our lunch. Pat, you really want to go home?xVeronica says nothing.xI xlook
xup xat xthe xsky. xNo xclouds xat xall. xNothing xbutx
blue. xYeah, xI xdo, xI xtell xhim, xand xthen xwe xare xin xthe
minivan driving back to Collingswood.x
A Hive Full of Green BeeP
Ahhhhhhhhh!T
I sit up, my heart pounding. When my eyes focus, I see
my dad standing at my bedside with his hands above his
head; hes wearing his number 5 McNabb jersey^
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! he continues to scream, until I get
out of bed, raise my hands, and say Ahhhhhhhhhh!T
We do the chant, spelling the letters with our arms and
legs. E!-A!-G!-L!-E!-S! EAGLES! When we ..nish, instead
ofB
sayingB
goodB
morningB
orB
anythingB
else,B
myB
father
simply jogs out of my room^
IB
lookB
atB
theB
clock,B
andB
itB
readsB
5:59B
a.m.B
TheB
game
startsB
atB
oneB
oclock.B
IB
promisedB
toB
joinB
JakesB
tailgate
partyB
byB
ten,B
whichB
givesB
meB
twoB
hoursB
toB
liftB
andB
an
hourB
to runsoB
I lift,B
and Ti..anyB
is outsideB
at 8:00 a.m.
just like she said she would be^
We do a short runmaybe only six or seven miles^
After a shower, I put on my Baskett jersey and ask my
mom for a ride to the PATCO station, but she says, YouM
[
Taj
a
driver is waiting for you outside. Mom kisses me on the
cheekB
andB
handsB
meB
someB
money.B
HaveB
fun,B
andB
dont
let your brother drink too much.T
Outside, I see Dad in his sedan; the engine is running. I
getB
intoB
theB
carB
andB
say,B
Dad,B
areB
youB
goingB
toB
the
game?T
IB
wishB
IB
could,B
heB
says,B
andB
thenB
weB
backB
outB
ofB
the
driveway^
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truthB
isB
thatB
myB
fatherB
isB
stillB
servingB
aB
self-
imposedB
banB
andB
isB
thereforeB
notB
allowedB
toB
attend
EaglesB
games.B
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theB
earlyB
eighties,B
DadB
gotB
intoB
aB
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aB
DallasB
CowboysB
fanB
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inB
theB
700
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whichB
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theB
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seatsB
atB
theB
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whereB
the
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storyB
IB
heardB
fromB
myB
since-deceasedB
uncleB
was
this.
When the Cowboys scored a touchdown, this Dallas fan
jumpedB
upB
andB
beganB
cheeringB
realB
loudly,B
soB
people
startedB
throwingB
beersB
andB
hotB
dogsB
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to the game, Dad.T
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seeB
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singingB
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ifB
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I
realize I have missed this a lot^
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doB
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lookB
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werent
lying when they said the Vet was demolished. I try not to
thinkB
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IB
focusB
on
enjoying the game and spending time with my brother^
IB
..ndB
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green tent with the black Eagles ..ag ..ying from the top.
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simplyB
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himB
smileB
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do
notB
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myB
father,B
nothingB
makesB
JakeB
happier
than Eagles game day.
When Jake sees me, he yells, Hank Basketts tailgating
with us! and then runs over to give me a high ..ve and a
chest bump.
WhatsB
up,B
dude?B
ScottB
saysB
toB
meB
asB
weB
too
exchangeB
highB
..ves.B
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bigB
smileB
onB
hisB
faceB
suggests
thatB
heB
isB
happyB
toB
seeB
me.B
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youB
really areB
huge.
What have you been liftingcars? I smile proudly as he
punchesB
myB
arm,B
likeB
guysB
doB
whenB
theyB
areB
buddies.
ItsB
beenB
yearsIB
mean,B
umhowB
manyB
monthsB
hasB
it
been?B
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andB
myB
brotherB
exchangeB
aB
glanceB
thatB
IB
do
not miss, but before I can say anything, Scott yells, Hey,
all you fat-asses in the tent! I wanna introduce you to my
boyJakes brother, Pat.T
TheB
tentB
isB
theB
sizeB
ofB
aB
smallB
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IB
walkB
througR
.
aaag
theB
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andB
aB
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is
set up on milk crates stacked two by four. Five really fat
guysB
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pregame
showallB
ofB
themB
inB
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jerseys.B
ScottB
rattlesB
o..B
the
names.B
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heB
saysB
mine,B
theB
menB
nodB
andB
waveB
and
then go back to watching the pregame show. All of them
haveB
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personalB
organizers,B
andB
theirB
eyesB
are
rapidly moving back and forth between the small screens
inB
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atB
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farB
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the
tent.B
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haveB
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whichB
IB
guessB
are
connected to cellular phones^
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weB
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says,B
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them.
TheyreB
allB
tryingB
toB
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info.B
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beB
a
little more friendly after theyve placed their bets.
Who are they? I ask^
GuysB
fromB
myB
work.B
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aB
computerB
techB
nowB
for
Digital Cross Health. We do websites for family doctors.T
HowB
areB
theyB
watchingB
televisionB
outB
hereB
inB
the
parking lot? I ask^
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brotherB
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meB
aroundB
toB
theB
backB
ofB
theB
tent,
pointsB
toB
aB
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squareB
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andB
says,
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the
tent,B
whereB
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smallB
grayB
plateB
isB
perched,B
andB
says,
Satellite dish.T
What do they do with all this gear when they go into
the game? I ask^
Oh,B
ScottB
saysB
withB
aB
laugh.B
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dontB
havF
Q
}
[
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.
a
tickets.T
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poursB
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LagerB
intoB
aB
plasticB
cupB
and
handsB
itB
toB
me,B
andB
IB
noticeB
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loadedB
with
beer cans and bottles, probably four or ..ve cases. I know
theB
plasticB
cupB
isB
toB
keepB
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theB
police,B
whoB
can
arrest you for having an open beer can in your hand but
notB
forB
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just
outsideB
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suggestsB
thatB
JakeB
andB
ScottB
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way
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and
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doesB
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askB
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manyB
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aboutB
what
IB
haveB
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to,B
whichB
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appreciate.B
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sureB
my
brotherB
hasB
alreadyB
toldB
ScottB
allB
aboutB
myB
timeB
inB
the
badB
placeB
andB
myB
separationB
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butB
IB
still
appreciateB
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allowingB
meB
toB
reenterB
theB
worldB
of
Eagles football without an interrogation^
Scott tells me about his life, and it turns out that while
IB
wasB
inB
theB
badB
place,B
heB
marriedB
someoneB
named
Willow,B
andB
they actually now have three-year-old twins
named Tami and Jeri-Lyn. Scott shows me the picture he
keepsB
inB
hisB
wallet,B
andB
theB
girlsB
areB
dressedB
alikeB
in
littleB
pinkB
ballerinaB
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tightstheirB
hands
stretchedB
upB
overB
silverB
tiaras,B
pointingB
towardB
heaven.
My tiny dancers. We live on the Pennsylvania side now.
Havertown, Scott says asB
he loadsB
a halfB
dozen sausages
onto the top rackB
of theB
barbecue, where they will keep
warmB
whileB
theB
nextB
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IB
thinkB
aboutB
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[
b[
ab
and me ..oating over the waves only the day before, and
againB
IB
promiseB
myselfB
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getB
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makingB
myB
owndaughter just as soon as apart time is over^
I try not to do the math in my head, but I cant help it.
IfB
heB
hasB
twinsB
whoB
areB
threeB
yearsB
oldB
andB
heB
was
marriedB
sometime afterB
IB
lastB
sawB
himbut beforeB
his
wifeB
gotB
pregnantitB
mustB
meanB
thatB
IB
haveB
notB
seen
ScottB
forB
atB
leastB
fourB
years.B
NowB
maybeB
heB
knockedB
up
his girlfriend and then married her, but of course, I cant
ask that. Since his daughters are three, the math indicateshe and I have not tal
ked for at least three or four years^
MyB
lastB
memoryB
ofB
ScottB
isB
atB
theB
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IB
hadB
soldB
myseasonB
ticketB
toB
ScottsB
brotherB
ChrisB
aB
seasonB
orB
two
before,B
butB
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oftenB
wentB
awayB
onB
business
conferences and allowed me to buy my seat back for the
fewB
homeB
gamesB
playedB
whenB
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I
cameB
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fromB
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toB
seeB
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Dallas;B
I
dontB
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whoB
wonB
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whatB
theB
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was.B
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I
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startedB
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atB
thisB
DallasB
fan,B
whoB
smiledB
and
smiled^
JakeB
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couldB
hardlyB
stand,B
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.
j
[
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but when Jake fell back into the arms of drunken Eagles
fans,B
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TonyB
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was
forcibly removed from the visiting fans back and ripped
into many pieces before security arrived and threw out a
dozen people^
Jake was not thrown out of the game^
ScottB
andB
IB
wereB
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JakeB
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theB
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whenB
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wereB
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splashingB
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JakesB
face,B
tryingB
to
sober him up^
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myB
mind,B
thisB
happenedB
lastB
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maybeB
eleven
months ago. But I know if I bring up this incident now as
we are grilling in front of the Linc, I will be told that the
memoryB
occurredB
moreB
thanB
threeB
orB
evenB
fourB
years
ago,B
soB
IB
doB
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wantB
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because I know Jakes and Scotts responses will help me
..gure out what the rest of the world believes about time.
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terrifying.
Its better not to think too much about this.
Drink some beers, Jake says to me. Smile. Its game
day!T
So I start drinking, even though the little orange bottles
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comeB
inB
haveB
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forbiddingB
meB
to
drink alcohol^
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iN
cheerleading out..ts who willB
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crazy
bums willing to tell you o..-color jokes for free food and
beer,B
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handing
outB
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passesB
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little kids in pads and helmets collecting money for their
peeweeB
football teams,B
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handingB
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justB
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By the time we decide to have a catch, Ive had two or
three beers, and Id be willing to bet Jake and Scott have
eachB
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fewB
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so
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otherB
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usB
and
interceptB
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orB
two,B
butB
theyB
alwaysB
giveB
backB
the
ball with a laugh and a smile.
IB
likeB
throwingB
theB
footballB
withB
JakeB
andB
Scott
becauseB
itB
makesB
meB
feelB
likeB
aB
boy,B
andB
whenB
IB
wasB
a
boy, I was the person Nikki fell in love with^
b[
p
But then something bad happens.
JakeB
seesB
himB
..rst,B
points,B
andB
says,B
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lookB
atB
the
asshole.B
IB
turnB
myB
headB
andB
seeB
aB
bigB
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inB
aB
Giants
jersey,B
maybeB
fortyB
yardsB
awayB
fromB
ourB
tent.B
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is
wearingB
aB
red,B
white,B
andB
blueB
hardB
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andB
theB
worst
partB
isB
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heB
hasB
aB
littleB
boyB
withB
himB
whoB
isB
also
wearingB
aB
GiantsB
jersey.B
TheB
guyB
walksB
overB
toB
aB
group
ofB
EaglesB
fansB
whoB
giveB
himB
aB
hardB
timeB
atB
..rstB
buV
eventually hand him a beer^
Suddenly my brother is walking toward this Giants fan,
soB
ScottB
andB
IB
follow.B
MyB
brotherB
startsB
chantingB
asB
he
walks,B
Asshole!B
Asshole!B
Asshole!B
WithB
every
syllable, he throws his index ..nger at the hard hat. Scott
isB
doingB
theB
sameB
thing,B
andB
beforeB
IB
knowB
it,B
weB
are
surroundedB
byB
twentyB
orB
soB
menB
inB
EaglesB
jerseysB
who
areB
alsoB
chantingB
andB
pointing.B
IB
haveB
toB
admitB
itB
feels
sortB
ofB
thrillingB
toB
beB
partB
ofB
thisB
mobunitedB
inB
our
hatred of the opposing teams fans^
WhenB
weB
reachB
theB
GiantsB
fan,B
hisB
friendsallB
Eagles
fanslaugh,B
andB
theirB
facesB
seemB
toB
say,B
WeB
toldB
you
this would happen. But instead of acting remorseful, the
GiantsB
fanB
putsB
hisB
handsB
upB
inB
theB
air,B
asB
ifB
heB
hasB
just
performedB
aB
magicB
trickB
orB
something;B
heB
smilesB
widely
andB
nodsB
hisB
headB
likeB
heB
isB
enjoyingB
beingB
calledB
an
asshole.B
HeB
evenB
putsB
hisB
handB
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hisB
ear,B
asB
ifB
toB
say,B
I
cantB
hearB
you.B
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withB
him,B
whoB
hasB
theB
same
paleB
skinB
coloringB
andB
..atB
noseprobablyB
hisB
son
looksB
terri..ed.B
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littleB
guysB
jerseyB
hangsB
downB
toB
hiP
.
gjag
knees,B
andB
asB
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chantB
intensi..es,B
theB
kid
holdsB
onB
toB
hisB
fathersB
legB
andB
triesB
toB
hideB
behindB
the
big mans thigh^
MyB
brotherB
transitionsB
theB
crowdB
intoB
aB
GiantsB
suck
chant, and more Eagles fans come to join in. We now are
at least ..fty strong. And this is when the little kid breaks
into tears, sobbing. When we Eagles fans see that the kid
isB
reallyB
upset,B
theB
mobB
chucklesB
andB
respectfully
disperses^
JakeB
andB
ScottB
areB
laughingB
asB
weB
walkB
backB
toB
our
tent,B
butB
IB
dontB
feelB
soB
great.B
IB
wishB
weB
didB
notB
make
thatB
littleB
kidB
cry.B
IB
knowB
theB
GiantsB
fanB
wasB
stupidB
to
wearB
aB
GiantsB
jerseyB
toB
anB
EaglesB
game,B
andB
itB
isB
really
hisB
ownB
faultB
thatB
hisB
sonB
wasB
madeB
toB
cry,B
butB
IB
also
knowB
thatB
whatB
weB
didB
wasB
unkind,B
andB
thisB
isB
theB
sort
of behavior Nikki hates, what I am trying.
IB
feelB
hisB
handsB
explodeB
throughB
myB
back,B
andB
I
stumbleB
forwardB
andB
almostB
fallB
down.B
WhenB
IB
turn
around, I see the big Giants fan. He is no longer wearing
his hard hat; his son is not with him.
You like making little kids cry? he says to me^
Im too shocked to speak. There were at least ..fty men
chanting,B
butB
heB
hasB
singledB
outB
me. Why?B
IB
wasntB
even
chanting.B
IB
wasntB
evenB
pointing.B
IB
wantB
toB
tellB
himB
this,
butB
myB
mouthB
wontB
work,B
soB
IB
justB
standB
thereB
shaking
my head^
IfB
youB
dontB
wantB
aB
problem,B
dontB
wearB
aB
GiantP
Q
aaj
aaa
jersey to an Eagles game, Scott says^
ItsB
justB
badB
parentingB
toB
bringB
yourB
sonB
downB
here
dressed like that, Jake adds^
TheB
mobB
quicklyB
formsB
again.B
AB
circleB
ofB
green
uniformsB
surroundsB
usB
now,B
andB
IB
thinkB
thisB
GiantsB
fan
mustB
beB
crazy.B
OneB
ofB
hisB
friendsB
hasB
comeB
toB
talkB
him
down.B
TheB
friendsB
aB
smallB
manB
withB
longB
hairB
andB
a
mustacheandB
hesB
wearingB
anB
EaglesB
shirt.B
ComeB
on,
Steve.B
LetsB
go.B
TheyB
didntB
meanB
anything.B
ItB
wasB
justB
a
joke.
What the fuck is your problem? Steve says, and then
shoves me again, his hands exploding through my chest^
AtB
thisB
pointB
theB
EaglesB
fansB
beginB
chanting,B
Ass
hole! Asshole! Asshole!T
SteveB
isB
staringB
intoB
myB
eyes,B
grittingB
hisB
teethB
soB
the
tendonsB
inB
hisB
neckB
bulgeB
likeB
ropes.B
HeB
alsoB
lifts
weights. His arms lookB
even biggerB
than mine, and he is
taller than me by an inch or two.
IB
lookB
toB
JakeB
forB
help,B
andB
IB
canB
seeB
thatB
heB
looksB
a
little worried himself^
Jake steps in front of me, puts his hands up to suggest
thatB
heB
meansB
noB
harm,B
butB
beforeB
heB
canB
sayB
anything,
theB
GiantsB
fanB
grabsB
myB
brothersB
JeromeB
Brown
memorial jersey and throws Jake to the ground^
IB
seeB
himB
hitB
theB
concretemyB
brothersB
hands
skidding along the blacktopand then blood is dripping
from his fingers and Jakes eyes look dazed and scared^
]
[
J[
[
[
[
My brother is hurt^
My brother is hurt^
MY BROTHER IS H.
RT^
I explode^
The bad feeling in my stomach rockets up through my
chest andB
intoB
myB
handsandB
beforeB
IB
canB
stopB
myself,
ImB
movingB
forwardB
likeB
aB
MackB
truck.B
IB
catchB
Steves
cheekB
withB
aB
left,B
andB
thenB
myB
rightB
connectsB
withB
the
south side of his chin, lifting him o.. the ground. I watch
him ..oat through the air as if he were allowing his body
toB
fallB
backwardB
intoB
aB
pool.B
HisB
backB
hitsB
theB
concrete,
his feet and hands twitch once, and then hes not moving,
theB
crowdB
isB
silent,B
andB
IB
beginB
toB
feelB
soB
awfulso
guilty.
Someone yells, Call an ambulance!T
AnotherB
yells,B
TellB
emB
toB
bringB
aB
blue-and-redB
body
bag!T
ImB
sorry,B
IB
whisper,B
becauseB
IB
..ndB
itB
hardB
toB
speak.
Im so sorry.T
And then I am running again^
IB
weaveB
throughB
theB
crowdsB
ofB
people,B
acrossB
streets,
aroundB
cars,B
andB
throughB
hornsB
blaringB
andB
cursing
driversB
screamingB
atB
me.B
IB
feelB
aB
bubblyB
feelingB
inB
my
midsection,B
andB
thenB
IB
amB
pukingB
myB
gutsB
outB
ontoB
the
sidewalkeggs,B
sausage,B
beerandB
soB
manyB
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are
yellingB
atB
me,B
callingB
meB
aB
drunk,B
sayingB
thatB
ImB
aN
g[
ag[
ag[
a
asshole; and then Im running again as fast as I can, down
the street away from the stadiums^
When I feel as though I am going to throwB
up again, I
stopB
andB
realizeB
ImB
alonenoB
moreB
EaglesB
fans
anywhere.B
AB
chain-linkB
fence,B
beyondB
itB
aB
warehouse
that looks abandoned^
I vomit again^
OnB
theB
sidewalk,B
outsideB
ofB
theB
puddleB
IB
amB
making,
pieces of broken glass glint and sparkle in the sun^
I cry^
I feel awful^
I realize that I have once again failed to be kind; that I
lost control in a big way; that I seriously injured another
person,B
andB
thereforeB
ImB
neverB
goingB
toB
getB
NikkiB
back
now. Apart time is going to last forever because my wife
isB
aB
paci..stB
whoB
wouldB
never wantB
meB
toB
hitB
anyone
underB
anyB
circumstance,B
andB
bothB
GodB
andB
JesusB
were
obviouslyB
rootingB
forB
meB
toB
turnB
theB
otherB
cheek,B
soB
I
know I really shouldnt have hit that Giants fan, and now
ImB
cryingB
againB
becauseB
ImB
suchB
aB
fuckingB
wastesuch
a fucking non-person^
IB
walkB
anotherB
halfB
block,B
myB
chestB
heavingB
wildly,
and then I stop^
DearB
God,B
IB
pray.B
PleaseB
dontB
sendB
meB
backB
toB
the
bad place. Please!T
I look up at the sky^
[
I see a cloud passing just under the sun^
The top is all electric white^
I remind myself^
Dont give up, I think. Not just yet^
Pat! Pat! Wait up!T
IB
lookB
backB
towardB
theB
stadiums,B
andB
myB
brotherB
is
runningB
towardB
me.B
OverB
theB
nextB
minuteB
orB
so,B
Jake
getsB
biggerB
andB
bigger,B
andB
thenB
heB
isB
rightB
inB
frontB
of
me, bent over, huffing and puffing^
Im sorry, I say. Im so, so sorry.
For what? Jake laughs, pulls out his cell phone, dials
a number, and holds the small phone up to his ear.
IB
foundB
him,B
JakeB
saysB
intoB
theB
phone.B
Yeah,B
tell
him.T
Jake hands me the phone. I put it up to my ear^
Is this Rocky Balboa?T
I recognize the voice as Scotts^
Listen,B
theB
assholeB
youB
knockedB
outwell,B
heB
wokF
up and is super pissed. Better not come back to the tent.
Is he okay? I ask^
You should be more worried about yourself.
Why?T
WeB
playedB
dumbB
whenB
theB
copsB
showedB
up,B
andB
no
oneB
wasB
ableB
toB
identifyB
youB
orB
yourB
brotherbutB
ever
since ..ve-o left, the big guys been searching the parkin]
{
bg]
j
a]
ag
lot,B
lookingB
forB
you.B
WhateverB
youB
do,B
dontB
comeB
back
here, because this Giants fans hellbent on revenge.
IB
handB
theB
phoneB
backB
toB
Jake,B
feelingB
somewhat
relievedB
toB
knowB
IB
didB
notB
seriouslyB
hurtB
Steve,B
butB
also
feelingB
numbbecauseB
IB
lostB
controlB
again.B
Plus,B
ImB
a
little afraid of the Giants fan.
So,B
areB
weB
goingB
homeB
now?B
IB
askB
JakeB
whenB
he
finishes talking to Scott.
Home?B
AreB
youB
kiddinB
me?B
heB
says,B
andB
weB
start
walking back toward the Linc^
When I dont sayB
anything forB
a long time, my brother
asks if Im okay^
Im not okay, but I dont say so^
Listen, that asshole attacked you and threw me to the
ground. You only defended your family, Jake says. You
should be proud. You were the hero.T
EvenB
thoughB
IB
wasB
defendingB
myB
brother,B
evenB
though
I did not seriously hurt the Giants fan, I dont feel proud
atB
all.B
IB
feelB
guilty.B
IB
shouldB
beB
lockedB
upB
againB
inB
the
badB
place.B
IB
feelB
asB
thoughB
Dr.B
TimbersB
wasB
rightB
about
methatB
IB
dontB
belongB
inB
theB
realB
world,B
becauseB
IB
am
uncontrollable and dangerous. But of course I do not say
this to Jake, mostly because he has never been locked up
andB
doesntB
understandB
whatB
itB
feelsB
likeB
toB
loseB
control,
andB
heB
onlyB
wantsB
toB
watchB
theB
footballB
gameB
now,B
and
noneB
ofB
thisB
meansB
anythingB
toB
him,B
becauseB
heB
has
neverB
beenB
marriedB
andB
heB
hasB
neverB
lostB
someoneB
likF
ba[
a
NikkiB
andB
heB
isB
notB
tryingB
toB
improveB
hisB
lifeB
atB
all,
becauseB
heB
doesntB
everB
feelB
theB
warB
that goesB
onB
inB
my
chestB
everyB
singleB
fuckingB
daytheB
chemicalB
explosions
thatB
lightB
upB
myB
skullB
likeB
theB
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ofB
JulyB
andB
the
awful needs and impulses and
OutsideB
theB
Linc,B
massesB
formB
thickB
lines,B
andB
with
hundredsB
ofB
otherB
fans,B
weB
waitB
toB
beB
frisked.B
IB
dont
rememberB
beingB
friskedB
atB
theB
Vet.B
IB
wonderB
whenB
it
became necessary to frisk people at NFL games, but I do
not ask Jake, because he is now singing Fly, Eagles, Fly
with hundreds of other drunken Eagles fans^
AfterB
weB
areB
frisked,B
weB
climbB
theB
stepsB
andB
haveB
our
ticketsB
scanned,B
andB
thenB
weB
areB
insideB
ofB
Lincoln
FinancialB
Field.B
PeopleB
everywhereitsB
likeB
aB
hiveB
full
ofB
greenB
bees,B
andB
theB
buzzB
isB
deafening.B
WeB
oftenB
have
toB
turnB
sidewaysB
justB
toB
squeezeB
betweenB
peopleB
asB
we
walkB
theB
concourseB
toB
getB
toB
ourB
section.B
IB
followB
Jake,
worryingB
aboutB
gettingB
separated,B
becauseB
IB
wouldB
be
lost for sure^
WeB
hitB
theB
mensB
room,B
andB
JakeB
getsB
everyoneB
inside
toB
singB
theB
EaglesB
..ghtB
songB
again.B
TheB
linesB
forB
the
urinalsB
areB
long,B
andB
IB
amB
amazedB
thatB
noB
oneB
peesB
in
theB
sinks,B
becauseB
atB
theB
VetatB
leastB
upB
inB
theB
700
Levelall sinks were used as extra urinals^
WhenB
weB
..nallyB
getB
toB
ourB
seats,B
weB
areB
inB
theB
end
zone, only twenty or so rows up from the field^
How did you get such good tickets? I ask Jake^
]
]
[
J[
I know a guy, he replies, and smiles proudly^
Scott is already seated, and he congratulates me on my
..ght,B
saying,B
YouB
knockedB
thatB
fuckingB
GiantsB
fan out
cold! which makes me feel awful again.
JakeB
andB
ScottB
high-..veB
justB
aboutB
everyoneB
inB
the
section,B
andB
asB
theB
otherB
fansB
callB
ScottB
andB
myB
brother
by name, it becomes obvious that they are quite popular
here^
WhenB
theB
beerB
manB
comesB
around,B
ScottB
buysB
usB
a
round,B
and I am amazed toB
..nd aB
cup holder in the seat
inB
frontB
ofB
me.B
YouB
wouldB
neverB
seeB
suchB
aB
luxuryB
item
at the Vet.
JustB
beforeB
theB
EaglesB
playersB
areB
announced,B
clips
from the Rocky movies are shown on the huge screens at
eachB
endB
ofB
theB
..eldRockyB
runningB
byB
theB
oldB
NavZ
Yard,B
RockyB
punchingB
sidesB
ofB
beefB
inB
theB
meatB
locker,
RockyB
runningB
upB
theB
stepsB
ofB
theB
artB
museumand
JakeB
andB
ScottB
keepB
saying,B
ThatsB
you.B
ThatsB
you,
untilB
IB
worryB
thatB
someoneB
willB
hearB
them,B
understand
thatB
IB
justB
foughtB
theB
GiantsB
fanB
inB
theB
parkingB
lot,B
and
tell the police to take me back to the bad place^
WhenB
theB
EaglesB
startingB
lineupB
isB
announced,
..reworks explode and cheerleaders kick and everyone is
standingB
andB
JakeB
keepsB
onB
poundingB
myB
backB
withB
his
handB
andB
strangersB
areB
high-..vingB
me,B
andB
suddenlyB
I
stopB
thinkingB
aboutB
myB
..ghtB
inB
theB
parkingB
lot.B
IB
begin
toB
thinkB
aboutB
myB
dadB
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theB
gameB
inB
ourB
familZ
aj
[
[
]
g[
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motherB
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bu..aloB
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andB
pizza
andB
beers,B
hopingB
theB
EaglesB
winB
justB
soB
herB
husband
will be in a good mood for a week. I again wonder if my
dad will start talking to me at night if the Eagles pull out
aB
victoryB
today,B
andB
suddenlyB
itsB
kicko..B
andB
IB
am
cheeringB
asB
ifB
myB
lifeB
dependsB
onB
theB
outcomeB
ofB
the
game^
TheB
GiantsB
scoreB
..rst,B
butB
theB
EaglesB
answerB
withB
a
touchdownB
ofB
theirB
own,B
afterB
whichB
theB
wholeB
stadium
singsB
theB
..ghtB
songpunctuatedB
byB
theB
EaglesB
chant
with deafening pride^
LateB
inB
theB
..rstB
quarter,B
HankB
BaskettB
getsB
hisB
..rsV
catchB
ofB
hisB
NFLB
careeraB
twenty-..ve-yarder.B
Everyone
inB
ourB
sectionB
high-..vesB
meB
andB
patsB
meB
onB
theB
back
becauseB
IB
amB
wearingB
myB
o..cialB
HankB
BaskettB
jersey,
andB
IB
smileB
atB
myB
brotherB
becauseB
heB
gaveB
meB
suchB
a
great present^
The game is all Eagles after that, and at the start of the
fourth quarter the Eagles are up 247. Jake and Scott are
soB
happy,B
andB
I amB
beginningB
toB
imagineB
the
conversationB
IB
amB
goingB
toB
haveB
withB
myB
fatherB
whenB
I
getB
homehowB
proudB
heB
willB
beB
ofB
myB
yelling
whenever Eli Manning was trying to call a play^
But then the Giants score seventeen unanswered points
inB
theB
fourthB
quarter,B
andB
theB
PhiladelphiaB
fansB
are
shocked^
In overtime, Plaxico Burress goes up and over SheldoN
[
gaS
BrownB
inB
theB
endB
zone,B
andB
theB
GiantsB
leave
Philadelphia with a win^
It is awful to watch^
OutsideB
ofB
theB
Linc,B
ScottB
says,B
BetterB
notB
comeB
backto the tent. That asshole will be there waiting, for sure.T
SoB
weB
sayB
goodbyeB
toB
ScottB
andB
followB
theB
massesB
tothe subway entrance.
Jake has tokens. We go through the turnstiles, descend
underground,B
andB
pushB
ourB
wayB
ontoB
anB
alreadyB
packed
subway car. People yell, No room! but Jake mashes his
bodyB
inB
betweenB
theB
otherB
bodiesB
andB
thenB
pullsB
meB
in
too.B
MyB
brothersB
chestB
isB
againstB
myB
back;B
strangersB
are
smashedB
againstB
myB
arms.B
TheB
doorsB
..nallyB
close,B
andmy nose is almost touching the glass window^
The smell of beer resurfacing through everyones sweatglands is pungent^
I dont like being this close to so many strangers, but Idont say anything, and soo
n we are at City Hall^
After we exit the train, we spin another turnstile, climbupB
intoB
centerB
city,B
andB
beginB
walkingB
downB
Market
Street, past the old department stores and the new hotelsand The Gallery.
YouB
wannaB
seeB
myB
apartment?B
JakeB
asksB
whenB
wegetB
toB
theB
EighthB
andB
MarketB
PATCOB
stop,B
whichB
is
whereB
IB
canB
hopB
aB
trainB
overB
theB
BenB
FranklinB
BridgeB
to
Collingswood^
gIB
doB
wantB
toB
seeB
JakesB
apartment,B
butB
IB
amB
tiredB
and
anxiousB
toB
getB
homeB
soB
IB
canB
doB
aB
littleB
liftingB
beforebed. I ask if I might see it some other time^
Sure,B
heB
says.B
ItsB
goodB
toB
haveB
youB
back,B
brother.
You were a true Eagles fan today.T
I nod^
TellB
DadB
theB
BirdsB
willB
bounceB
backB
nextB
week
against San Fran.T
I nod again^
MyB
brotherB
surprisesB
meB
byB
givingB
meB
aB
two-armed
hugB
andB
saying,B
IB
loveB
you,B
bro.B
ThanksB
forB
gettingB
myback in the parking lot.T
IB
tellB
himB
thatB
IB
loveB
himB
too,B
andB
thenB
heB
isB
walkingdownB
MarketB
StreetB
singingB
Fly,B
Eagles,B
FlyB
atB
theB
top
of his lungs^
I descend underground, insert the ..ve my mother gavemeB
intoB
theB
changeB
machine,B
buyB
aB
ticket,B
stickB
itB
into
theB
turnstile,B
descendB
moreB
stairs,B
hitB
theB
waiting
platform,B
andB
beginB
toB
thinkB
aboutB
thatB
littleB
kidB
inB
the
GiantsB
jersey.B
HowB
hardB
didB
heB
cryB
whenB
heB
realizedB
his
father had been knocked out? Did the kid even get to see
theB
game?B
AB
fewB
otherB
menB
inB
EaglesB
jerseysB
areB
sitting
on the chrome benches. Each nods sympathetically at me
whenB
theyB
seeB
myB
HankB
BaskettB
jersey.B
OneB
manB
atB
the
farB
endB
ofB
theB
platformB
yells,B
GoddamnB
fuckingB
Birds!
andB
thenB
kicksB
aB
metalB
trashB
can.B
AnotherB
manB
standing
nextB
toB
meB
shakesB
hisB
headB
andB
whispers,B
GoddamN
aa[
a
fucking Birds.T
When the train comes, I choose to stand just inside the
doors,B
andB
asB
theB
trainB
slidesB
acrossB
theB
duskB
sky,B
over
theB
DelawareB
River,B
acrossB
theB
BenB
FranklinB
Bridge,B
I
lookB
atB
theB
cityB
skyline,B
andagainIB
startB
toB
think
about that kid crying. I feel so awful when I think about
that little kid.
IB
getB
o..B
theB
trainB
atB
Collingswood,B
walkB
acrossB
the
open-air platform and down the steps, stick my card into
the turnstile machine, and then jog home^
MyB
motherB
isB
sittingB
inB
theB
familyB
room,B
sippingB
tea.
Hows Dad? I ask^
She shakes her head and points at the TV^
The screen is cracked so that it looks like a spiderweb.
What happened?T
YourB
fatherB
smashedB
theB
screenB
withB
theB
reading
lamp.
Because the Eagles lost?T
No, actually. He did it when the Giants tied the game
at the end of the fourth quarter. Your father had to watch
theB
EaglesB
blowB
theB
gameB
onB
theB
bedroomB
television,
Mom says. Hows your brother?
Fine, I say. Wheres Dad?T
In his office.T
Oh.T
Im sorry your team lost, Mom says, just to be nice, U
Q
aajb
know^
ItsB
okay,B
IB
answer,B
andB
thenB
goB
downB
intoB
the
basement, where I lift weights for hours and try to forget
aboutB
that littleB
Giants fanB
crying, butB
I stillB
cant get the
kid out of my mind^
For whatever reason I fall asleep on the rug that covers
partB
ofB
theB
basementB
..oor.B
InB
myB
dreamsB
theB
..ght
happensB
againB
andB
again,B
onlyB
insteadB
ofB
theB
GiantsB
fan
bringingB
aB
kidB
toB
theB
game,B
theB
GiantsB
fanB
bringsB
Nikki,
andB
sheB
tooB
isB
wearingB
aB
GiantsB
jersey.B
EveryB
timeB
I
knockB
theB
bigB
guyB
out,B
NikkiB
pushesB
throughB
theB
crowd,
cradlesB
StevesB
headB
inB
herB
hands,B
kissesB
hisB
forehead,
and then looks up at me.
JustB
beforeB
IB
runB
away,B
sheB
says,B
YoureB
anB
animal,
Pat. And I will never love you again.T
IB
cryB
throughB
myB
dreamsB
andB
tryB
notB
toB
hitB
theB
Giants
fan every time the memory ..ashes through my mind, but
IB
cantB
controlB
myB
dreamB
selfB
anyB
moreB
thanB
IB
could
controlB
myB
awakeB
selfB
afterB
seeingB
theB
bloodB
onB
Jakes
hands^
IB
wakeB
upB
toB
theB
soundB
ofB
theB
basementB
doorB
being
closed, and I see the light streaming in through the small
windows over the washer and dryer. I walk up the steps,
and I cannot believe the sports pages are there^
IB
am veryB
upset aboutB
the dreamB
IB
had, butB
I realize it
wasB
onlyB
aB
dream,B
andB
despiteB
everythingB
thatB
has
happened,B
myB
fatherB
isB
stillB
leavingB
meB
theB
sportsB
pageP
[
[
[
]
a]
after one of the worst Eagles losses in history^
So I take a deep breath. I allow myself to feel hopefulagain and start my exerci
se routine^
Sister Sailor-Mout`
ImY
atY
theY
CrystalY
LakeY
DinerY
withY
Ti..any;Y
wereY
inY
the
sameY
boothY
asY
lastY
time,Y
eatingY
ourY
single-servingY
boxY
of
raisin bran, drinking hot tea. We did not say anything on
theY
walkY
here;Y
weY
didY
notY
sayY
anythingY
whenY
weY
were
waitingY
forY
ourY
serverY
toY
bringY
theY
milk,Y
bowl,Y
andY
box.
ImY
startingY
toY
understandY
thatY
weY
haveY
theY
typeY
of
friendship that does not require many wordsC
AsY
IY
watchY
herY
spoonY
theY
brownY
..akesY
andY
sugared
raisinsY
intoY
herY
pinkY
lips,Y
IY
tryY
toY
decideY
whetherY
IY
want
to tell her about what happened at the Eagles gameC
ForY
twoY
daysY
nowY
IY
haveY
beenY
thinkingY
aboutY
that
little kid crying, hiding behind his fathers leg, and I feel
soY
guiltyY
aboutY
hittingY
theY
bigY
GiantsY
fan.Y
IY
didY
notY
tell
myY
mom,Y
becauseY
theY
newsY
wouldY
haveY
upsetY
her.Y
Me
fatherY
hasY
notY
talkedY
toY
meY
sinceY
theY
EaglesY
lostY
toY
the
Giants,Y
andY
IY
dontY
seeY
Dr.Y
Cli..Y
untilY
Friday.Y
Plus,Y
Im
startingY
toY
thinkY
Ti..anyY
isY
theY
onlyY
oneY
whoY
might
understand,Y
sinceY
sheY
seemsY
toY
haveY
aY
similarY
problec
_
ll
andY
isY
alwaysY
exploding,Y
likeY
onY
theY
beachY
when
VeronicaY
slippedY
andY
mentionedY
Ti..anysY
therapistY
in
front of meC
IY
lookY
atY
Ti..any,Y
whoY
isY
sittingY
slouched,Y
bothY
elbows
onY
theY
table.Y
ShesY
wearingY
aY
blackY
shirtY
thatY
makesY
her
hair look even blacker. She has on too much makeup, as
usual. She looks sad. She looks angry. She looks di..erent
fromY
everyoneY
elseY
IY
knowsheY
cannotY
putY
onY
that
happyY
faceY
othersY
wearY
whenY
theyY
knowY
theyY
areY
being
watched. She doesnt put on a face for me, which makes
me trust her somehowC
Suddenly Ti..any looks up, stares into my eyes. Youre
not eating.z
ImY
sorry,Y
IY
say,Y
andY
lookY
downY
atY
theY
goldY
sparkles
in the tables plastic coatingC
PeopleY
willY
thinkY
ImY
aY
hogY
ifY
theyY
seeY
meY
eating
while you watch.z
SoY
IY
dipY
myY
spoonY
intoY
theY
bowl,Y
dripY
milkY
ontoY
the
sparklyY
table,Y
andY
shovelY
aY
smallY
moundY
ofY
milk-soaked
raisin bran into my mouthC
I chewC
I swallowC
Tiffany nods and then looks out the window againC
SomethingY
badY
happenedY
atY
theY
EaglesY
game,Y
IY
say,
and then wish I hadntC
IY
dontY
wantY
toY
hearY
aboutY
football.Y
Ti..anyY
sighs.Y
a
j
_
l[
hate football.z
This really isnt about football.z
She continues to stare out the windowC
IY
lookY
andY
con..rmY
thatY
thereY
areY
onlyY
parkedY
cars
outside, nothing of interest. And then I am talking: I hit
aY
manY
soY
hardliftingY
himY
upY
o..Y
theY
groundY
evena
thought I maybe killed him.z
She looks at me. Ti..any squints and sort of smiles, like
she might even laugh. Well, did you?z
Did I what?z
Kill the man.z
No. No, I didnt. I knocked him out, but he eventually
woke up.z
Should you have killed him? Tiffany asksC
I dont know. I am amazed by her question. I mean,
no! Of course not.z
Then why did you hit him so hard?z
HeY
threwY
myY
brotherY
downY
toY
theY
concrete,Y
andY
my
mindY
justY
exploded.Y
ItY
wasY
likeY
IY
leftY
myY
bodyY
andY
my
bodyY
wasY
doingY
somethingY
IY
didY
notY
wantY
toY
do.Y
AndY
I
haventY
reallyY
talkedY
aboutY
thisY
withY
anyoneY
andY
IY
was
hoping you might want to listen to me so that I couldz
Why did the man throw your brother to the ground?z
IY
tellY
herY
theY
wholeY
storystartY
toY
..nishlettingY
heX
knowY
IY
cantY
getY
theY
bigY
guysY
sonY
outY
ofY
myY
mind.Y
Im
stillY
seeingY
theY
littleY
guyY
hidingY
behindY
hisY
fathersY
leg;
l[
[
[
_
[
;
ImY
seeingY
theY
littleY
guyY
crying,Y
sobbing,Y
soY
obviously
afraid.Y
IY
alsoY
tellY
herY
aboutY
myY
dreamtheY
oneY
where
Nikki comforts the Giants fanC
When I finish the story, Tiffany says, So?z
So?z
So I dont get why youre so upset?z
ForY
aY
secondY
IY
thinkY
sheY
mightY
beY
kiddingY
me,Y
but
Tiffanys face does not crackC
ImY
upsetY
becauseY
IY
knowY
NikkiY
willY
beY
madY
atY
mW
whenY
IY
tellY
herY
whatY
happened.Y
IY
amY
upsetY
becauseY
a
disappointedY
myself,Y
andY
apartY
timeY
willY
surelyY
be
extendedY
nowY
becauseY
GodY
willY
wantY
toY
protectY
Nikki
untilY
IY
learnY
toY
controlY
myselfY
better,Y
andY
likeY
Jesus,
NikkiY
isY
aY
paci..st,Y
whichY
isY
theY
reasonY
sheY
didY
notY
like
meY
goingY
toY
theY
rowdyY
EaglesY
gamesY
inY
theY
..rstY
place,
andY
IY
dontY
wantY
toY
beY
sentY
backY
toY
theY
badY
place,Y
and
God, I miss Nikki so much, it hurts so bad andz
FuckY
Nikki,Y
Ti..anyY
says,Y
andY
thenY
slipsY
another
spoonful of raisin bran into her mouthC
I stare at herC
She chews nonchalantlyC
She swallowsC
Excuse me? I sayC
TheY
GiantsY
fanY
soundsY
likeY
aY
totalY
prick,Y
asY
doY
your
brotherY
andY
yourY
friendY
Scott.Y
YouY
didntY
startY
theY
..ght.
You only defended yourself. And if Nikki cant deal wit`
y
_
[
_
[
kg
[
j
that,Y
ifY
NikkiY
wontY
supportY
youY
whenY
youY
areY
feeling
down, then I say fuck her.z
DontY
youY
everY
talkY
aboutY
myY
wifeY
likeY
that,Y
IY
say,
hearing the sharp anger in my voiceC
Tiffany rolls her eyes at meC
I wont allow any of my friends to talk about my wife
like that.z
Your wife, huh? Tiffany saysC
Yes. My wife, Nikki.z
YouY
meanY
yourY
wife, Nikki,Y
whoY
abandonedY
you
whileY
youY
wereY
recoveringY
inY
aY
mentalY
institution.Y
Why
isntY
yourY
wife, Nikki,Y
sittingY
hereY
withY
youY
rightY
now,
Pat?Y
ThinkY
aboutY
it.Y
WhyY
areY
youY
eatingY
fuckingY
raisin
branY
withY
me?Y
AllY
youY
everY
thinkY
aboutY
isY
pleasing
Nikki, and yet your precious Nikki doesnt seem to think
about you at all.Y
Where isY
she? Whats Nikki doing right
now? Do you really believe shes thinking about you?z
Im too shocked to speakC
FuckY
Nikki,Y
Pat.Y
FuckY
her!Y
FD
CKY
NIKKI!Y
Ti..any
slapsY
herY
palmsY
againstY
theY
table,Y
makingY
theY
bowlY
of
raisinY
branY
jump.Y
ForgetY
her.Y
ShesY
gone.Y
DontY
youY
seW
that?z
Our server comes over to the table. She puts her hands
onY
herY
hips.Y
SheY
pressesY
herY
lipsY
together.Y
SheY
looksY
at
me.Y
SheY
looksY
atY
Ti..any.Y
Hey,Y
sisterY
sailor-mouth,Y
the
server saysC
WhenY
IY
lookY
around,Y
theY
otherY
customersY
areY
looking
at my foulmouthed friendC
This isnt a bar, okay?z
Ti..anyY
looksY
atY
theY
server;Y
sheY
shakesY
herY
head.Y
You
know what? Fuck you too, Ti..any says, and then she is
striding across the diner and out the doorC
Im just doin my job, says the server. Jeez!z
ImY
sorry,Y
IY
say,Y
andY
handY
theY
serverY
allY
theY
moneyY
I
havethe twenty-dollar bill my mother gave meY
when I
saidY
IY
wantedY
toY
takeY
Ti..anyY
outY
forY
raisinY
bran.Y
IY
asked
for two twenties, but Mom said I couldnt give the server
fortyY
dollarsY
whenY
theY
mealY
onlyY
costsY
..ve,Y
evenY
afterY
I
toldY
MomY
aboutY
overtipping,Y
whichY
IY
learnedY
from
Nikki, as you already knowC
The waitress says, Thanks, pal. But you better go after
your girlfriend.z
Shes not my girlfriend, I say. Shes just a friend.z
Whatever.z
Tiffany is not outside of the dinerC
I look down theY
street andY
see her running away from
meC
When I catch up to her, I ask whats wrongC
She doesnt answer; she keeps runningC
AtY
aY
quickY
pace,Y
weY
jogY
sideY
byY
sideY
backY
int\
ukj
k
Collingswood,Y
allY
theY
wayY
toY
herY
parentsY
house,Y
and
then Ti..any runs around to the back door without saying
goodbyeC
The Implied Endin`
ThatW
nightW
IW
tryW
toW
read TheW
BellW
JarW
byW
SylviaW
Plath.
Nikki used to talkW
about howW
important PlathsW
novel is,
saying,W
EveryW
youngW
womanW
shouldW
beW
forcedW
toW
read
TheW
BellW
Jar.W
IW
hadW
MomW
checkW
itW
outW
ofW
theW
library,
mostlyW
becauseW
IW
wantW
toW
understandW
womenW
soW
IW
can
relate to Nikkis feelings and whatnotl
TheW
coverW
ofW
theW
bookW
looksW
prettyW
girly,W
withW
aW
dried
rose hung upside down, suspended over the titlel
PlathW
mentionsW
theW
RosenbergsW
executionW
onW
theW
..rst
page, at which point I know Im in for a depressing read,
becauseW
asW
aW
formerW
historyW
teacher,W
IW
understandW
just
how depressing the Red Scare was, and McCarthyism too.
SoonW
afterW
makingW
aW
referenceW
toW
theW
Rosenbergs,W
the
narratorW
startsW
talkingW
aboutW
cadaversW
andW
seeingW
a
severed head while eating breakfastl
TheW
mainW
character,W
Esther,W
hasW
aW
goodW
internshipW
atW
a
NewW
YorkW
CityW
magazine,W
butW
sheW
isW
depressed.W
SheW
uses
fakeW
namesW
withW
theW
menW
sheW
meets.W
EstherW
sortW
ofW
hasW
a
nsq
np
ssp
s
boyfriendW
namedW
Buddy,W
butW
heW
treatsW
herW
horriblyW
and
makesW
herW
feelW
asW
though sheW
shouldW
haveW
babiesW
andW
be
aW
housewifeW
ratherW
thanW
becomeW
aW
writer,W
whichW
isW
what
she wants to bel
EventuallyW
EstherW
breaksW
downW
andW
isW
given
electroshockW
therapy,W
triesW
toW
killW
herselfW
byW
takingW
too
manyW
sleepingW
pills,W
andW
isW
sentW
toW
aW
badW
placeW
likeW
the
one I was inl
EstherW
refersW
toW
aW
blackW
manW
whoW
servesW
foodW
inW
her
badW
placeW
asW
theW
Negro.W
ThisW
makesW
meW
thinkW
about
DannyW
andW
howW
madW
theW
bookW
wouldW
makeW
myW
black
friend,W
especiallyW
becauseW
EstherW
wasW
whiteW
andW
Danny
says only black people can use controversial racial terms
such as Negro.w
AtW
..rst,W
evenW
thoughW
itW
isW
reallyW
depressing,W
thisW
book
excitesW
meW
becauseW
itW
dealsW
withW
mentalW
health,W
aW
topicW
I
amW
veryW
interestedW
inW
learningW
about.W
Also,W
IW
wantW
toW
see
howW
EstherW
getsW
better,W
howW
sheW
willW
eventuallyW
..ndW
her
silverW
liningW
andW
getW
onW
withW
herW
life.W
IW
amW
sureW
Nikki
assigns this book soW
that depressedW
teenage girlsW
will see
theres hope if you just hold on long enoughl
So I read onl
EstherW
losesW
herW
virginity,W
hemorrhagesW
duringW
the
process, and almost bleeds to deathlike Catherine in A
FarewellW
toW
ArmsW
andW
IW
doW
wonderW
whyW
womenW
are
alwaysW
hemorrhagingW
inW
AmericanW
literature.W
ButW
Esther
lives,W
onlyW
toW
..ndW
thatW
herW
friendW
JoanW
hasW
hungW
herselfl
[
j
p
n[
..n]
n]
g
_
p
_
p
l
EstherW
attendsW
theW
funeral,W
andW
theW
bookW
endsW
justW
asW
she
stepsW
intoW
aW
roomW
fullW
ofW
therapistsW
whoW
willW
decideW
if
Esther is healthy enough to leave her bad placel
We do not get to see what happens to Esther, whether
sheW
getsW
better,W
andW
thatW
madeW
meW
veryW
mad,W
especially
after reading all nightl
AsW
theW
sunW
beginsW
toW
shineW
throughW
myW
bedroom
window, I read the biographical sketch at the back of the
book and ..nd out that the whole novel is basically the
storyW
ofW
SylviaW
PlathsW
life andW
thatW
theW
authorW
eventually
stuckW
herW
headW
inW
anW
oven,W
killingW
herselfW
justW
like
HemingwayonlyW
withoutW
theW
gunwhichW
IW
understand
is the implied ending of the book, since everyone knows
the novel is really Sylvia Plaths memoirl
IW
actuallyW
ripW
theW
bookW
inW
halfW
andW
throwW
theW
two
halves at my bedroom walll
Basementl
Stomach Master 6000l
Five hundred crunchesl
WhyW
wouldW
NikkiW
makeW
teenagersW
readW
suchW
a
depressing novelT
Weight benchl
Bench pressl
One-hundred-thirty-pound repsl
Why do people read books like The Bell JarT
WhyT
WhyT
WhyT
ImW
surprisedW
whenW
Ti..anyW
showsW
upW
theW
nextW
dayW
for
ourW
sunsetW
run.W
IW
dontW
knowW
whatW
toW
sayW
toW
her,W
soW
IW
say
nothinglike usuall
We runl
WeW
runW
againW
theW
nextW
dayW
too,W
butW
weW
dontW
discuss
the comments Tiffany made about my wifel
An Acceptable Form of CopinR
In the cloud room, I pick the black recliner because I am
feeling va vlittle vdepressed. vFor va vfew vminutes vI vdont vsay
anything. vI vam vworried vthat vCli.. vwill vsend vme vback vto
the vbad vplace vif vI vtell vhim vthe vtruth, vbut vI vfeel vso vguilty
sitting vthereand vthen vIm vtalking vat vCli.., vspilling
everything in a wild slur of sentences: the big Giants fan,
the vlittle vGiants vfan, vmy v..st..ght, vthe vEagles vloss vto vthe
Giants, vmy vfather vsmashing vthe vtelevision vscreen, vhis
bringing vme the vsports vpages but vrefusing vto speak vwith
me, vmy vdream vabout vNikki vwearing va vGiants vjersey,
Ti..any saying Fuck Nikki but still wanting to run with
me vevery vday; vand vthen vNikki vteaching vSylvia vPlath vto
defenseless vteenagers, vmy vripping The vBell vJar vin vhalf,
and vSylvia vPlath vsticking vher vhead vin van voven. vAn
oven? vI vsay. vWhy vwould vanyone vstick vtheir vhead vin an
oven?vThe vrelease vis vpowerful, vand vI vrealize vnow vthat
somewhere in the middle of my rant I had begun crying.
When I ..nish speaking, I cover my face, because Cli.. isv
iiyvii
my therapist, yes, but he is also a man and an Eagles fan
and maybe a friend too.vI start sobbing behind my hands.vAll vis vquiet vin vthe
vcloud vroom vfor va vfew vminutes, vand
then vCli.. v..nally vspeaks, vsaying, vI vhate vGiants vfans. vSo
arrogant, valways vwanting vto vtalk vabout vL.T., vwho vwas
nothing vbut va vdirty vrotten vcokehead. vTwo vSuper vBowls,
yes, vbut vXXV vand vXXI vwere vsome vtime vagomore vthan
..fteen vyears vhave vpassed. vAnd vwe vwere vthere vjust vtwo
years ago, right? Even if we did lose.vI am surprised.vI was sure Cli.. was going
to yell at me for hitting the
Giants fan, that he would again threaten to send me back
to vthe vbad vplace, vand vhis vbringing vup vLawrence vTaylor
seems so random that I lower my hands and see that Cliff
is standing, although he is so small his head is not much
higher than mine, even though I am sitting down. Also, I
sort of vthink he just vimplied that the Eagles were vin the
Super vBowl vtwo vyears vago, vwhich vwould vmake vme very
upset vbecause vI vhave vabsolutely vno vmemory vof vthis, vso vI
try to forget what Cli.. said about our team being in the
big game.vDont vyou vhate vGiants vfans? vhe vsays vto vme. vDont
you just hate em? Come on now, tell the truth.vYeah, vI vdo, vI vsay. vA vlot. vSo vd
o vmy vbrother vand
father.vWhy would this man wear a Giants jersey to an Eaglesv
ywviwivy
game?vI dont know.vDid he not think he would be mocked?vI dont know what to say.vEvery
year vI vsee vthese vstupid vDallas vand vGiants vand
Redskins vfans vcome vinto our house wearing vtheir vcolors,
and vevery vyear vthese vsame vfans vget vmanhandled vby
drunken Eagles fans. When will they learn?vI am too shocked to speak.v
Does vthis vmean vCli.. vis va vseason-ticket vholder? vI
wonder, but do not ask.vNot vonly vwere vyou vdefending vyour vbrother, vbut vyou
were defending your team too! Right?vI realize that I am nodding.vCli.. vsits vdo
wn. vHe vpulls vthe vlever, vhis vfootrest vcomes
up, vand vI vstare vat vthe vwell-worn vsoles vof vhis vpenny
loafers.vWhen vI vam vsitting vin vthis vchair, vI vam vyour vtherapist.
When vI vam vnot vin vthis vchair, vI vam va vfellow vEagles vfan.
Uvnderstand?vI nod.vViolence vis vnot van vacceptable vsolution. vYou vdid vnot
have to hit that Giants fan.vI nod again. I didnt want to hit him.vBut you did.v
yvvI look down at my hands. My fingers are all squirmy.vWhat alternatives did you h
ave? he says.vAlternatives?vWhat velse vcould vyou vhave vdone, besides vhitting vth
e
Giants fan?vI vdidnt vhave vtime vto vthink. vHe vwas vpushing vme, vand
he threw my brother downvWhat if he had been Kenny G?vI vclose vmy veyes, vhum va vs
ingle vnote, vand vsilently vcount
to ten, blanking my mind.vYes, the humming. Why not try that when you feel as
though vyou vare vgoing vto vhit vsomeone? vWhere vdid vyouv
learn that technique?vIm a little mad at Cliff for bringing up Kenny G, which
seems like a dirty trick, especially since he knows Mr. G
is vmy vbiggest nemesis, but I remember vthat Cli.. vdid not
yell at me when I told him the truth, and I am thankful
for vthat, vso vI vsay, vNikki vused vto vhum va vsingle vnote
whenever I o..ended her. She said she learned it in yoga
class. And whenever she hummed, it would catch me o..
guard. vI vwould vget vreally vfreaked vout, vbecause vit vis
strange to sit next to someone who is humming a single
note vwith vher veyes vclosedand vNikki vwould vkeep
humming that single note for such a long time. When she
..nally stopped, I would be grateful, and I also would be
more aware of her displeasure and more receptive to her
feelings, vwhich vis vsomething vI vdid vnot vappreciate vuntilv
iwiviviivii
recently.vSo thats why you hum every time someone brings up
KennyvI vclose vmy veyes, vhum va vsingle vnote, vand vsilently vcount
to ten, blanking my mind.vWhen I ..nish, Cli.. says, It allows you to express you
r
displeasure vin va vunique vway, vdisarming vthose varound
you. vVery vinteresting vtactic. vWhy vnot vuse vthis vin vother
areas of your life? What if you had closed your eyes and
hummed when the Giants fan pushed you?vI hadnt thought of that.vDo you think he wou
ld have continued to push you if
you had closed your eyes and hummed?vProbably vnot, vI vthink. vThe vGiants vfan
vwould vhave
thought vI vwas vcrazy, vwhich vis vexactly vwhat vI vthought
about Nikki when she first used the tactic on me.vCliff smiles and nods at me wh
en he reads my face.vWe vtalk va vlittle vabout vTi..any. vHe vsays vit vseems v
asv
though vTi..any vhas vromantic vfeelings vfor vme, vand vhe
claims vshe vis vmost vlikely vjealous vof vmy vlove vfor vNikki,
which I think is silly, especially since Ti..any never even
talks to me and is always so aloof when we are together.
Plus vTi..any vis vso vbeautiful, vand vI vhave vnot vaged vwell vat
all.vShes just a weird woman, I say in response.vArent vthey vall? vCli.. vreplies, va
nd vwe vlaugh vsomev
vyv?vivivw
because women truly are hard to figure out sometimes.vWhat vabout vmy vdream? vMe
vseeing vNikki vin va vGiants
jersey? What do you think that means?vWhat vdo you vthink vit vmeans? vCli.. vasks,
vand vwhen vI
shrug, he changes the subject.vCliff says Sylvia Plaths work is very depressing t
o read,
and that his own daughter had recently su..ered through
The Bell Jar because she is taking an American literature
course at Eastern High School.vAnd you didnt complain to administration? I asked.vAb
out what?vAbout vyour vdaughter vbeing vforced vto vread vsuch
depressing stories.vNo. Of course not. Why would I?vBecause vthe vnovel vteaches vki
ds vto vbe vpessimistic. vNo
hope vat vthe vend, vno vsilver vlining. vTeenagers vshould vbev
taught thatvLife vis vhard, vPat, vand vchildren vhave vto vbe vtold vhow
hard life can be.vWhy?vSo vthey vwill vbe vsympathetic vto vothers. vSo vthey vwill
understand that some people have it harder than they do
and vthat va vtrip vthrough vthis vworld vcan vbe va vwildly
di..erent vexperience, vdepending von vwhat vchemicals vare
raging through ones mind.vI vhad vnot vthought vabout vthis vexplanation, vthat vr
eadingv
iivi
books like The Bell Jar helped others understand what it
was like to be Esther Greenwood. And I realize now that
I have a lot of sympathy for Esther, and if she were a real
person vin vmy vlife, vI vwould vhave vtried vto vhelp vher, vonly
because vI vknew vher thoughts well enough vto vunderstand
she vwas vnot vsimply vderanged, vbut vsu..ering vbecause vher
world vhad vbeen vso vcruel vto vher vand vbecause vshe vwas
depressed, due to the wild chemicals in her mind.vSo youre not mad at me? I ask whe
n I see Cli.. look
at his watch, which signifies our session is almost over.vNo. Not at all.vReally? I
ask, because I know Cli.. is probably going
to write all my recent failures down in a ..le as soon as I
leave. vThat vhe vprobably vthinks vhe vhas vfailed vas vmy
therapistat least for this week.vCli.. vstands, vsmiles vat vme, vand vthen vlook
s vout vthe vbay
window at the sparrow washing in the stone birdbath.vBefore vyou vleave, vPat, vI
vwant vto vsay vsomething very
important to you. This is a matter of life and death. Are
you vlistening vto vme? vBecause vI vreally vwant vyou vto
remember this. Okay?vI vstart vto vworry vbecause vCli.. vsounds vso vserious, vb
ut vI
swallow, nod, and say, Okay.vCliff turns.vCliff faces me.vHis vface vlooks vgrave,
vand vfor va vsecond, vI vam veryv
ivy
nervous.vBut then Cli.. throws his hands up in the air and yells
Ahhhhhhhhh!vI vlaugh vbecause vCli.. vhas vtricked vme vwith vhis vfunny
joke. I immediately stand, throw my hands up in the air,
and yell Ahhhhhhhhh!vE!-A!-G!-L!-E!-S! vEAGLES! vwe vchant vin vunison,
throwing our arms and legs out in an e..ort to represent
each letter with our bodies, and I have to sayas stupid
as vit vmay vsoundchanting vwith vCli.. vmakes vme vfeel va
whole vlot vbetter. vAnd vjudging vby vthe vsmile von vhis vlittle
brown vface, vhe knows the value vof vwhat he is vdoing vfor
me.v
Balanced Very Carefully, As If the WholG
Thing Might Topple When the Heater VentR
Begin to Blow Later This FalD
FromI
theI
basement,I
II
hearI
myI
dadI
say,I
ItI
goesI
righT
here,I
onI
thisI
table.I
ThreeI
setsI
ofI
footstepsI
areI
movinZ
acrossI
theI
family-roomI
..oor,I
andI
soonI
II
hearI
something
heavyI
beingI
setI
down.I
AfterI
..fteenI
minutesI
orI
so,I
the
soundsI
ofI
collegeI
footballI
explodeI
throughI
theI
..oor
abovebigI
bandsI
playing,I
drumsI
galore,I
..ghtI
songs
beingI
sungandI
II
realizeI
myI
fatherI
hasI
replacedI
the
family-roomI
television.I
II
hearI
theI
deliverymenR
footstepsI
exit,I
andI
thenI
DadI
increasesI
theI
volumeI
soI
I
canI
hearI
everyI
playI
callI
theI
commentatorsI
make,I
eveE
thoughI
II
amI
inI
theI
basementI
andI
theI
basementI
doorI
iR
shut.I
II
dontI
followI
collegeI
football,I
soI
II
dontI
reallL
know the players or the teams being discussedu
I do some curlsI
and simplyI
listen, secretlyI
hoping DaH
^
iD
l comeI
downI
intoI
theI
basement,I
tellI
meI
aboutI
thG
new television, and ask me to watch the game with himu
But he doesntu
Suddenly,I
maybeI
aI
halfI
hourI
afterI
theI
deliverymeE
leave,I
theI
volumeI
isI
turnedI
down,I
andI
II
hearI
MomI
ask,
What the hell is this?v
ItsI
aI
high-de..nitionI
televisionI
withI
surroundI
sound,v
my father repliesu
No, that is a movie screen, andv
Jeaniev
Dont you Jeanie me.v
II
workI
hardI
forI
ourI
money,I
andI
II
wontI
haveI
yoO
telling me how to spend it!v
Patrick,I
itsI
ridiculous.I
ItI
doesntI
evenI
..tI
onI
theI
end
table. How much did you pay for that?v
Never mind.v
YouI
smashedI
theI
oldI
televisionI
justI
soI
youI
couldI
buL
a bigger one, didnt you?v
JesusI
Christ,I
Jeanie.I
WillI
youI
pleaseI
stopI
bitchingI
aT
me for once?v
Were on a budget. We agreedv
Oh. Okay. Were on a budget.v
We agreed thatv
WeI
haveI
moneyI
toI
feedI
Pat.I
WeI
haveI
moneyI
toI
buy
Pat a new wardrobe. We have money to buy Pat a homG
}
P
gym.I
WeI
haveI
moneyI
forI
PatsI
medications.I
WellI
then,
theI
wayI
II
seeI
it,I
weI
haveI
moneyI
forI
aI
newI
fuckinZ
television set too.v
I hear my mothers footsteps exit the family room. Just
beforeI
myI
fatherI
turnsI
upI
theI
gameI
again,I
II
hearI
heK
stompI
upI
theI
stepsI
toI
herI
bedroom,I
whereI
II
knowI
shG
will cry because my father has cursed at her againu
And its my fault their money is stretchedu
I feel awfulu
I do sit-ups on the Stomach Master 6000 until it is time
to run with Tiffanyu
WhenI
II
..nallyI
goI
upstairs,I
II
seeI
thatI
DadsI
televisioE
set is one of those new ..at-screen models they advertised
whenI
weI
watchedI
theI
EaglesI
playI
Houston,I
andI
itI
is
literallyI
almostI
theI
sizeI
ofI
ourI
dining-roomI
table.I
Its
huge; only the center third rests on the end table, making
itI
lookI
asI
ifI
itI
isI
balancedI
veryI
carefully,I
asI
ifI
theI
wholG
thingI
mightI
toppleI
whenI
theI
heaterI
ventsI
beginI
toI
blo^
later this fall. Even still, while I do feel bad about Mom,
II
haveI
toI
admitI
thatI
theI
pictureI
qualityI
isI
excellentI
and
theI
speakersI
setI
upI
onI
standsI
behindI
theI
couchI
..llI
thG
houseI
withI
sound,I
makingI
itI
seemI
asI
thoughI
theI
collegG
football game is being played in our family roomand I
startI
toI
lookI
forwardI
toI
watchingI
theI
EaglesI
onI
theI
new
set, thinking the players will almost appear life-sizeu
II
standI
behindI
theI
couchI
forI
aI
second,I
admiringI
mL
fathersI
newI
television,I
hopingI
heI
willI
acknowledgeI
mL
presence.I
II
evenI
say,I
Dad,I
didI
youI
getI
aI
ne^
television?v
But he doesnt answer meu
He is mad at my mom for questioning his purchase, so
now he will sulk. He will not talk to anyone for the rest
of the day, I know from experience, so I leave the house
and find Tiffany jogging up and down the streetu
Tiffany and I run together, but we do not talku
WhenI
II
returnI
home,I
Ti..anyI
keepsI
joggingI
withouT
even saying goodbye, and as I jog up the driveway to thG
back door, Mothers car is goneu
The Pat Bo_
ByW
11:00W
p.m.W
myW
motherW
hasW
notW
returnedW
home,W
andW
I
startW
toW
worryW
becauseW
everyW
nightW
atW
10:45W
p.m.W
Im
supposedW
toW
takeW
pillsW
thatW
helpW
meW
sleep.W
ItW
isntW
like
Mom to foul up my medication schedulee
IW
knockW
onW
myW
parentsW
bedroomW
door.W
WhenW
noW
one
answers,W
IW
pushW
theW
doorW
open.W
MyW
fatherW
isW
sleeping
withW
theW
smallW
bedroomW
televisionW
on.W
TheW
blueW
glow
makesW
hisW
skinW
lookW
alienheW
sortW
ofW
looksW
likeW
aW
big
..sh in a lit aquarium, only without gills, scales, and ..ns.
IW
walkW
overW
toW
myW
dadW
andW
shakeW
hisW
shoulderW
lightly.
Dad? I shake him a little harder. Dad?\
WhaddyaW
want?W
heW
saysW
withoutW
openingW
hisW
eyes.
HeW
isW
lyingW
onW
hisW
side,W
andW
theW
leftW
sideW
ofW
hisW
mouthW
is
smashed into the pillowe
Moms not home yet. Im worried.\
He doesnt say anythinge
Where is she?\
Still, he does not say anythinge
S[
[
[
Im worried about Mom. Do you think we should call
the police?\
IW
waitW
forW
aW
reply,W
butW
onlyW
hearW
myW
fatherW
snoring
softlye
AfterW
turningW
o..W
theW
television,W
IW
leaveW
myW
parents
bedroom and go downstairs to the kitchene
IW
tellW
myselfW
ifW
DadW
isntW
worried,W
IW
shouldntW
beW
either.
ButW
IW
knowW
itW
isntW
likeW
MomW
toW
leaveW
meW
aloneW
without
tellingW
meW
whereW
sheW
willW
be,W
especiallyW
withoutW
talking
to me about my medicationse
IW
openW
theW
kitchenW
cabinetW
andW
takeW
outW
theW
eight
bottlesW
ofW
pillsW
thatW
allW
haveW
myW
nameW
printedW
onW
the
labels.W
SoW
manyW
long,W
depressingW
drugW
namesW
areW
onW
the
labelsW
asW
well,W
butW
IW
onlyW
knowW
theW
pillsW
byW
theirW
colors,
so I open all the lids and look for what I neede
Two white-and-reds for sleeping, and also a green one
withW
aW
yellowW
stripe,W
butW
IW
doW
notW
knowW
whatW
theW
green
one with a yellow stripe does. Maybe antianxiety? I take
allW
threeW
pillsW
becauseW
IW
wantW
toW
sleep,W
andW
also,W
IW
know
thatW
is whatW
Mom wouldW
want meW
to do.W
Maybe Mom is
testingW
me.W
SinceW
myW
fatherW
talkedW
downW
toW
herW
earlier
today,W
IW
reallyW
wantW
toW
pleaseW
MomW
evenW
moreW
thanW
on
regular days, although I am not sure whye
I lie in bed wondering where Mom could be. I want to
call her cell phone, but I dont know the number. Maybe
sheW
hadW
aW
carW
accident?W
MaybeW
sheW
hadW
aW
strokeW
orW
a
heartW
attack?W
ButW
thenW
IW
thinkW
aW
policeW
o..cerW
orW
Z
r[
t[
p
Bu[
[
[
p
p
g
r
hospitalW
doctorW
wouldW
haveW
calledW
usW
byW
nowW
ifW
anyW
of
thoseW
thingsW
hadW
happened,W
becauseW
sheW
wouldW
certainly
haveW
herW
creditW
cardsW
andW
licenseW
onW
her.W
MaybeW
sheW
got
lostW
whileW
driving?W
ButW
thenW
sheW
wouldW
haveW
usedW
her
cell phone to call home and would have told us she was
runningW
late. MaybeW
she gotW
sick ofW
Dad andW
me and ran
away?W
IW
thinkW
aboutW
thisW
andW
realizeW
thatW
excludingW
the
timesW
whenW
sheW
teasesW
meW
aboutW
Ti..anyW
beingW
my
friend,W
IW
haventW
seenW
myW
motherW
laughW
orW
smileW
inW
a
veryW
longW
timeinW
fact,W
ifW
IW
reallyW
thinkW
aboutW
it,W
IW
often
seeW
MomW
cryingW
orW
lookingW
likeW
sheW
isW
aboutW
toW
cry.
Maybe she got sick of keeping track of my pills? Maybe I
forgot to ..ush one morning and Mom found some of my
pillsW
inW
theW
toiletW
andW
isW
nowW
madW
atW
meW
forW
hidingW
pills
underW
myW
tongue?W
MaybeW
IW
haveW
failedW
toW
appreciate
Mom just like I failed to appreciate Nikki, and now God
is taking Mom away from me too? Maybe Mom is never
coming home again and|
JustW
asW
IW
startW
toW
feelW
seriouslyW
anxious,W
asW
ifW
IW
might
need to bang the heel of my hand against my forehead, I
hear a car pull into the drivewaye
When I look out the window, I see Moms red sedane
I run down the stairse
ImW
outW
theW
doorW
beforeW
sheW
evenW
reachesW
theW
back
porche
Mom? I saye
Is-jus-me,W
sheW
saysW
throughW
theW
shadowsW
inW
thV
jj
[
g
j
[
t
drivewaye
Where were you?\
Out.W
WhenW
sheW
entersW
intoW
theW
whiteW
circleW
castW
from
the outside light, she looks like she might fall backward,
so I run down the steps and give her a hand, bracing her
shouldersW
withW
myW
arm.W
HerW
headW
isW
sortW
ofW
wobbly,W
but
she manages to look me in the eyes; she squints and says,
Nikki-sa-fool tave let you getta-way.\
HerW
mentioningW
NikkiW
makesW
meW
feelW
evenW
more
anxious, especially what she said about my getting away,
because I have not gotten away and would be more than
willing to go back to Nikki now or whenever, and it was
me who was the fool, never appreciating Nikki for what
sheW
wasallW
ofW
whichW
MotherW
knowsW
soW
well.W
ButW
IW
can
smellW
theW
alcoholW
onW
herW
breath;W
IW
hearW
herW
slurring her
words, and I realize its probably just the alcohol talking
nonsense. Mom does not usually drink, but tonight she is
obviously drunk, and this also makes me worrye
IW
helpW
herW
intoW
theW
houseW
andW
sitW
herW
downW
onW
the
couchW
inW
theW
familyW
room.W
WithinW
minutesW
shesW
passed
out colde
It would be a bad idea to put my drunk mother in bed
withW
myW
sulkingW
father,W
soW
IW
putW
anW
armW
underW
her
shouldersW
andW
anotherW
armW
underW
herW
knees,W
liftW
herW
up,
and carry her to my bedroom. Mom is small and light, so
itW
isW
notW
hardW
forW
meW
toW
carryW
herW
upW
theW
stairs.W
IW
getW
her
into my bed, take off her shoes, throw the comforter oveg
[
[
g
[
g
[
p
r[
g
q
r
herW
body,W
andW
thenW
goW
toW
getW
aW
glassW
ofW
waterW
fromW
the
kitchene
BackW
upstairs,W
IW
..ndW
aW
bottleW
ofW
TylenolW
andW
tapW
out
two white pillse
IW
pickW
myW
mothersW
headW
up,W
getW
herW
intoW
aW
seated
position,W
shakeW
herW
lightlyW
untilW
sheW
opensW
herW
eyes,W
and
tell her to take the pills along with the glass of water. At
..rstW
sheW
says,W
JusW
lemmeW
sleep,W
butW
IW
knowW
from
collegeW
daysW
justW
howW
muchW
thisW
pre-bedW
waterW
and
headacheW
medicineW
canW
reduceW
theW
morningW
hangover.
FinallyW
myW
motherW
takesW
theW
pills,W
drinksW
halfW
aW
glassW
of
water, and is back asleep in no time at alle
I watch her rest for a few minutes, and I think she still
looksW
pretty,W
thatW
IW
reallyW
doW
loveW
myW
mom.W
IW
wonder
whereW
sheW
wentW
toW
drinkwithW
whomW
sheW
drankW
and
whatW
sheW
drankbutW
reallyW
IW
amW
onlyW
happyW
thatW
sheW
is
home safe. I try not to think about her downing drinks at
some depressing bar, with middle-aged men all around. I
tryW
notW
toW
thinkW
aboutW
MomW
bad-mouthingW
myW
fatherW
to
oneW
ofW
herW
girlfriendsW
andW
thenW
drivingW
homeW
drunk.W
But
its all I can think about: how my mother is being driven
toW
drinkhow ImW
drivingW
myW
motherW
toW
drink,W
andW
my
father isnt helping much eithere
After grabbing my framed picture of Nikki, I climb the
stairs to the attic, set Nikki up next to my pillow, and get
intoW
myW
sleepingW
bag.W
IW
leaveW
theW
lightsW
onW
soW
IW
canW
fall
asleepW
lookingW
atW
NikkisW
freckledW
nose,W
whichW
isW
exactl`
[
g
p
p
_
c[
what I doe
WhenW
IW
openW
myW
eyes,W
KennyW
GW
isW
standingW
overW
me,W
his
legs bridging my body, a foot on either side of my chest;
theW
sexyW
synthesizerW
chordsW
areW
softlyW
lightingW
the
darknesse
TheW
lastW
timeW
Mr.W
GW
visitedW
myW
parentsW
atticW
..ashes
throughW
myW
headmyW
fatherW
kickingW
andW
punchingW
me,
myW
fatherW
threateningW
toW
sendW
meW
backW
toW
theW
badW
place
soW
IW
closeW
myW
eyes,W
humW
aW
singleW
note,W
andW
silently
count to ten, blanking my minde
But Kenny G is undauntede
TheW
sopranoW
saxW
entersW
Mr.W
GsW
lipsW
onceW
moreW
and
SongbirdW
takesW
..ight.W
IW
keepW
myW
eyesW
closed,W
humW
a
single note, and silently count to ten, blanking my mind,
butW
heW
continuesW
toW
blowW
hisW
horn.W
TheW
littleW
whiteW
scar
aboveW
myW
rightW
eyebrowW
startsW
toW
burnW
andW
itchW
asW
the
melodyW
..uttersW
towardW
climax.W
Desperately,W
IW
wantW
to
poundW
theW
heelW
ofW
myW
handW
againstW
myW
forehead,W
but
insteadW
IW
keepW
myW
eyesW
closed,W
humW
aW
singleW
note,W
and
silently count to ten, blanking my minde
Just when Kenny Gs smooth jazz seems unconquerable
|
Seven, eight, nine, tene
Suddenly silencee
WhenW
IW
openW
myW
eyes,W
IW
seeW
NikkisW
stillW
face,W
heg
{
tcr
freckledW
noseIW
kissW
theW
glass,W
feelingW
soW
relievedW
that
KennyW
GW
hasW
stoppedW
playing.W
IW
exitW
myW
sleepingW
bag,
look all around the atticmoving a few dusty boxes and
otherW
items,W
searchingW
behindW
hangingW
rowsW
ofW
out-of
season clothesand Mr. G is gone. Ive defeated him, I
whisper.W
HeW
didntW
makeW
meW
punchW
myW
forehead,W
and
\
I see a boxW
marked PatW
and begin to experience that
badW
feelingW
IW
sometimesW
getW
justW
beforeW
something
unpleasantW
isW
aboutW
toW
happen.W
ItW
feelsW
asW
thoughW
IW
have
toW
goW
toW
theW
bathroomW
veryW
badly,W
evenW
thoughW
IW
knowW
I
donte
TheW
boxW
isW
atW
theW
farW
endW
ofW
theW
attic.W
ItW
wasW
hidden
underW
aW
braidedW
rugW
IW
movedW
whenW
IW
wasW
searchingW
for
KennyW
G.W
IW
haveW
toW
navigateW
myW
wayW
backW
throughW
the
mess I made during my search, but soon I reach the box.
IW
..ipW
openW
theW
..apsW
atW
theW
top,W
andW
myW
Collingswood
HighW
SchoolW
soccerW
jacketW
isW
onW
top.W
IW
takeW
itW
outW
ofW
the
boxW
andW
holdW
theW
dustyW
thingW
up.W
TheW
jacketW
looksW
so
small. Id rip the yellow leather sleeves o.. if I tried it on
now,W
IW
think,W
andW
thenW
setW
theW
relicW
downW
onW
another
nearbyW
box.W
WhenW
IW
nextW
lookW
intoW
theW
PatW
box,W
IW
am
shockedW
andW
scaredW
intoW
rearrangingW
theW
atticW
soW
itW
looks
exactly how it was before I began searching for Mr. Ge
WhenW
theW
atticW
isW
restored,W
IW
lieW
inW
myW
sleepingW
bag,
feelingW
asW
ifW
IW
amW
inW
aW
dream.W
SeveralW
timesW
duringW
the
nightW
IW
getW
up,W
moveW
theW
braidedW
rug,W
andW
lookW
inW
the
Pat box again, just to make sure I had not hallucinatek
[
_
jj
[
[
ug
[
up
t
before.W
EveryW
time,W
theW
contentsW
condemnW
MomW
and
make me feel betrayede
Moms Handwriting EmergeQ
TheR
sunR
burstsR
throughR
theR
atticR
windowR
andR
landsR
on
myR
face,R
warmingR
it,R
untilR
IR
openR
myR
eyesR
andR
greetR
the
dayR
withR
aR
squint.R
AfterR
aR
kiss,R
IR
returnR
NikkiR
toR
my
bedroomR
dresserR
andR
..ndR
myR
motherR
stillR
asleepR
inR
my
bed.R
IR
noticeR
thatR
theR
glassR
ofR
waterR
IR
leftR
herR
isR
noW
empty,R
andR
IR
amR
gladR
toR
haveR
leftR
itR
there,R
evenR
ifR
IR
aO
mad at Mom nowj
As I descend the staircase, I smell something burningj
When I reach the kitchen, my father is standing in front
of the stove. He is wearing Moms red apronj
Dad?:
WhenR
heR
turnsR
around,R
heR
hasR
aR
spatulaR
inR
oneR
hanV
andR
aR
pinkR
ovenR
mittR
onR
theR
other.R
BehindR
him,R
meaZ
hissesaR
thickR
riverR
ofR
smokeR
..iesR
upR
intoR
theR
exhausZ
fanj
What are you doing?:
Cooking.:
gj
Cooking what?:
Steak.:
Why?:
Im hungry.:
Are you frying it?:
Im cooking it Cajun style. Blackened.:
MaybeR
youR
shouldR
turnR
theR
burnerR
down?R
IR
suggest,
butR
heR
returnsR
toR
hisR
cooking,R
continuingR
toR
..ipR
the
sizzlingR
cutR
overR
andR
over,R
soR
IR
goR
downR
intoR
the
basement to begin my workoutj
The fire alarm goes off for fifteen minutes or soj
WhenR
IR
returnR
toR
theR
kitchenR
twoR
hoursR
later,R
theR
pan
he used is blackened and still on the now greasy stove; a
plateR
andR
utensilsR
areR
inR
theR
sink.R
DadR
isR
watchingR
ESPN
onR
hisR
newR
television,R
andR
hisR
surroundR
soundR
speaker
systemR
seemsR
toR
shakeR
theR
house.R
TheR
clockR
onR
the
microwaveR
readsR
8:17R
a.m.R
MyR
motherR
hasR
forgottenR
my
meds again, so I take out my eight bottles, remove all the
caps,R
andR
searchR
forR
theR
rightR
colors.R
SoonR
IR
haveR
aR
hale
dozenR
pillsR
linedR
upR
onR
theR
counter,R
andR
IR
con..rmR
that
theR
colorsR
areR
whatR
IR
takeR
everyR
morning.R
IR
swallowR
all
ofR
myR
pills,R
thinkingR
maybeR
myR
motherR
isR
testingR
me
again, and even though I am technically mad at her, I am
alsoR
nowR
veryR
worriedR
aboutR
Mom,R
soR
IR
climbR
theR
steps
to my room and see that she is still sleepingj
Downstairs, I stand behind the couch and say, Dad?:
g
e]
ButR
heR
ignoresR
me,R
soR
IR
returnR
toR
myR
basementR
gym
andR
continueR
myR
workout,R
listeningR
toR
theR
ESPN
commentatorsR
recapR
theR
collegeR
gamesR
andR
forecastR
the
upcoming NFL action. Their voices arrive crisply through
theR
..oorboardsR
above.R
IR
knowR
fromR
readingR
theR
paper
thatR
theR
EaglesR
areR
favoredR
toR
winR
overR
SanR
Francisco,
whichR
makesR
meR
excitedR
toR
watchR
theR
gameR
withR
my
father,R
whoR
willR
beR
inR
aR
greatR
moodR
ifR
theR
EaglesR
are
victorious,R
andR
thereforeR
heR
willR
alsoR
beR
moreR
likelyR
tN
speak with mej
Midmorning, Mom descends, which is a relief, becauseIR
was startingR
toR
worryR
thatR
sheR
wasR
reallyR
sick.R
IR
am
ridingR
theR
bike,R
andafterR
..ndingR
theR
PatR
boxR
last
nightI just continue pedaling when Mom says, Pat? I
doR
notR
faceR
Mom,R
butR
usingR
myR
peripheralR
vision,R
IR
see
thatR
sheR
isR
showered,R
herR
hairR
isR
done,R
herR
makeupR
is
applied, and she is wearing a pretty summer dress. Mom
alsoR
smellsR
reallyR
nicelavender.R
DidR
youR
takeR
your
pills last night? she asksj
I nod oncej
What about this morning?:
I nod againj
Dr.R
PatelR
toldR
meR
IR
shouldR
haveR
allowedR
youR
toR
take
controlR
overR
yourR
medsR
whenR
youR
..rstR
cameR
home,R
that
thisR
wasR
aR
stepR
towardR
independence.R
ButR
IR
wasR
beingR
a
momR
whenR
youR
didR
notR
needR
meR
toR
beR
aR
mom.R
So
congratulations, Pat.:
[
j
CongratulationsR
isR
aR
strangeR
thingR
forR
herR
toR
say,
especially since I have not won a prize or anything, but I
am really only thinking about what happened last night,
why Mom came home drunk. So I ask her, Where were
you last night? Did you go out with friends?:
K
sing the corner of my eye again, I see her look down
atR
theR
oldR
brownR
rugR
beneathR
us.R
IR
appreciateR
your
puttingR
meR
toR
bedR
lastR
night.R
TheR
waterR
andR
theR
Tylenol
helped.R
ItR
wasR
aR
bitR
ofR
aR
roleR
reversal,R
eh?R
Well,R
I
appreciate it. Thanks, Pat.:
I realize she has not answered my question, but I dont
know what to say, so I say nothingj
YourR
fatherR
hasR
beenR
aR
bearR
lately,R
andR
ImR
simply
tiredR
ofR
it.R
SoR
ImR
makingR
someR
demands,R
andR
thingsR
are
going to change a little around here. Both of my men are
going to start taking care of themselves a little more. You
needR
toR
getR
onR
withR
yourR
life,R
andR
ImR
sickR
andR
tiredR
of
the way your father treats me.:
SuddenlyR
IR
forgetR
allR
aboutR
theR
PatR
boxR
andR
faceR
my
mother as I continue pedaling. Are you mad at me? Did
I do something wrong?:
ImR
notR
madR
atR
you,R
Pat.R
I amR
madR
atR
yourR
father.R
He
andR
IR
hadR
aR
longR
talkR
yesterdayR
whenR
youR
wereR
running.
ThingsR
mightR
beR
aR
littleR
roughR
aroundR
hereR
forR
aR
few
weeks,R
butR
IR
thinkR
wellR
allR
beR
betterR
forR
itR
inR
theR
long
run.:
AR
wildR
thoughtR
leapsR
intoR
myR
headR
andR
terri..esR
mej
_
g_
]
Q
h]
]
eQ
ej
Youre not leaving us, Mom, are you?:
No.R
ImR
not,R
MomR
says,R
lookingR
meR
inR
theR
eyes,
whichR
makesR
meR
believeR
herR
oneR
hundredR
percent.R
I
wouldR
neverR
leaveR
you,R
Pat.R
ButR
I amR
goingR
outR
today
becauseR
ImR
doneR
withR
EaglesR
football.R
YouR
twoR
areR
on
your own for food.:
Where are you going? I ask, pedaling faster nowj
Out,R
MomR
says,R
andR
thenR
kissesR
theR
littleR
whiteR
scar
on my sweaty forehead before she leavesj
IR
amR
soR
nervousR
aboutR
whatR
MomR
hasR
toldR
meR
thatR
IR
do
not eat anything allR
day, butR
simply drink my water and
doR
myR
routine.R
BecauseR
theR
EaglesR
areR
playingR
atR
4:15,R
I
getR
inR
aR
fullR
workout.R
TheR
wholeR
time,R
IR
secretlyR
hope
my father will come down into the basement and ask me
to watch the 1:00 NFL game with him, but he doesntj
MidafternoonR
IR
climbR
upR
outR
ofR
theR
basementR
and
stand behind the couch for a secondj
Dad? I say. Dad?:
He ignores me and keeps watching the 1:00 game, and
I dont even look to see who is playing, becauseR
I am so
nervous about what Mom told me. I put on my trash bag
andR
hopeR
Ti..anyR
isR
outside,R
becauseR
IR
couldR
reallyR
use
someone to talk to. But after I stretch for ..fteen minutes,
Ti..anyR
doesntR
show,R
soR
IR
runR
alone,R
thinkingR
itR
funny
thatR
whenR
IR
wantR
toR
runR
alone,R
Ti..anyR
isR
alwaysR
theref
_
h]
g
]
Q
Q
Q
h]
]
but today she is notj
IR
amR
veryR
hungry,R
andR
theR
painR
inR
myR
stomach
increasesR
asR
IR
run,R
whichR
IR
relishR
becauseR
itR
meansR
IR
am
losing weight, and well, I feel as though I might have put
onR
someR
extraR
fatR
inR
theR
pastR
week,R
especiallyR
after
drinkingR
beerR
withR
JakeR
lastR
weekend.R
ThisR
remindsR
me
that I have not spoken with Jake since the Eagles lost to
theR
Giants,R
andR
IR
wonderR
ifR
heR
isR
comingR
overR
todayR
to
watchR
theR
gameR
withR
DadR
andR
me.R
SinceR
theR
painR
haQ
sharpened,R
IR
decideR
toR
runR
fartherR
thanR
usual,R
pushing
myself. Also, I am sort of afraid to go home, now that my
mother has left me alone with my father for the day, and
IR
amR
notR
sureR
whatR
sheR
meantR
byR
changesR
anyway.R
I
keepR
wishingR
Ti..anyR
wasR
runningR
withR
meR
soR
IR
might
talkR
toR
herR
andR
tellR
herR
howR
IR
feel,R
whichR
isR
aR
strange
desire since she usually never says much in response, and
theR
lastR
timeR
IR
triedR
toR
talkR
toR
herR
aboutR
myR
problems,
she started cursing very loudly in a public place and said
someR
reallyR
awfulR
thingsR
aboutR
Nikki.R
Still,R
IR
amR
starting
toR
feelR
asR
thoughR
Ti..anyR
isR
myR
bestR
friend,R
whichR
isR
sort
of strange and scaryj
At the end of my run, I jog down my street, and Jakes
silverR
BMWR
isR
nowhereR
toR
beR
seen.R
MaybeR
heR
tookR
the
train in from Philadelphia, I think. I am hoping not to be
leftR
aloneR
withR
myR
fatherR
forR
theR
game,R
butR
somehowR
I
know this is exactly what is going to happenj
WhenR
IR
enterR
theR
house,R
myR
dadR
isR
stillR
aloneR
onR
th]
couch, wearing his McNabb jersey now and watching th]
_
]
[
_
Q
]
s]
_
[
he
endR
ofR
theR
1:00R
game.R
AR
smallR
collectionR
ofR
beerR
bottles
stand at his feet like bowling pinsj
Is Jake coming over? I ask my father, but he ignores
me againj
K
pstairs, I shower and put on my Hank Baskett jerseyj
WhenR
IR
reachR
theR
familyR
room,R
theR
EaglesR
gameR
isR
just
comingR
on,R
soR
IR
sitR
downR
atR
theR
endR
ofR
theR
couchR
my
father is not occupyingj
What the hell is that noise? Dad says, and then turns
down the volumej
IR
realizeR
myR
stomachR
isR
makingR
crazyR
gurglingR
noises,
butR
IR
say,R
IR
dontR
know,R
andR
DadR
turnsR
upR
theR
volume
againj
JustR
asR
IR
hadR
hoped,R
theR
newR
televisionR
isR
an
experience.R
TheR
playersR
warmingR
upR
onR
theR
..eldR
look
life-size, and the sound quality makes me feel as though I
amR
inR
SanR
Francisco,R
sittingR
onR
theR
..fty-yardR
line.
RealizingR
thatR
myR
brotherR
isR
notR
goingR
toR
makeR
itR
by
kicko.., when a commercial comes on, I jump to my feet
andR
yellR
Ahhhhhhhhh!R
butR
DadR
onlyR
looksR
atR
meR
like
heR
wantsR
toR
hitR
meR
inR
theR
faceR
again.R
SoR
IR
sitR
downR
and
do not say anything elsej
TheR
announcersR
stateR
thatR
DontR
StallworthR
wasR
aR
late
scratch,R
soR
IR
startR
toR
hopeR
BaskettR
willR
getR
aR
fewR
more
ballsR
thrownR
hisR
way,R
sinceR
theR
EaglesR
numberR
one
receiver is out of actionj
TheR
EaglesR
setR
upR
aR
niceR
driveR
andR
scoreR
onR
theirR
..rsZ
h]
[
eQ
s]
]
]
Q
]
h]
s
possessionR
withR
aR
shovelR
passR
toR
Westbrook,R
atR
which
point my fathers emotions morph. He reaches across the
couchR
andR
repetitivelyR
clapsR
hisR
handR
againstR
myR
thigh,
sayingR
overR
andR
overR
again,R
TouchdownR
Eagles!
TouchdownR
Eagles!R
IR
startR
toR
feelR
hopefulR
forR
myR
dadf
butR
whenR
theR
EaglesR
kickR
o..,R
heR
resumesR
hisR
negative
waysR
andR
says,R
DontR
celebrateR
tooR
much.R
Remember
whatR
happenedR
lastR
week.R
AndR
itR
isR
almostR
asR
ifR
heR
iQ
talkingR
toR
himself,R
remindingR
himselfR
notR
toR
beR
overld
hopefulj
TheR
defenseR
holdsR
strong,R
andR
tightR
endR
L.R
J.R
Smith
scoresR
aR
touchdownR
withR
onlyR
aR
fewR
minutesR
leftR
inR
the
..rstR
quarter,R
makingR
itR
130.R
EvenR
thoughR
theR
Eagles
haveR
blownR
bigR
leadsR
before, itR
seemsR
safeR
toR
sayR
the
BirdsR
areR
theR
superiorR
teamR
today.R
MyR
thoughtsR
are
con..rmedR
afterR
AkersR
hitsR
theR
extraR
pointR
andR
myR
father
jumps up and startsR
singing Fly,R
Eagles, Fly. So I jump
upR
andR
singR
withR
him,R
andR
weR
bothR
doR
theR
chantR
atR
the
end,R
spellingR
theR
lettersR
withR
ourR
armsR
andR
legs:R
E!-A!-
G!-L!-E!-S! EAGLES!:
BetweenR
quarters,R
myR
fatherR
asksR
meR
ifR
IR
amR
hungry,
and when I say yes, he orders us a pizza and brings me a
Bud from the refrigerator. With the Eagles up 140, he is
allR
smiles,R
andR
asR
weR
sipR
ourR
beer,R
heR
says,R
NowR
allR
we
need is your boy Baskett to get a catch or two.:
AsR
ifR
myR
fathersR
wordsR
wereR
aR
prayerR
answered,
McNabbsR
..rstR
completionR
inR
theR
secondR
quarterR
isR
to
Baskett for eight yards. Dad and I cheer so loudly for th]
;
Q
]
]
g_
sj
g
he]
Q
h]
undrafted rookiej
TheR
pizzaR
arrivesR
duringR
halftime,R
andR
theR
EaglesR
are
up 243. If only Jake were here, my father says. Then
this day would be perfect.:
MyR
dadR
andR
IR
haveR
beenR
soR
happyR
thatR
IveR
forgotten
JakeR
isR
notR
withR
us.R
WhereR
isR
Jake?R
IR
ask,R
butR
Dad
ignores the questionj
InR
theR
thirdR
quarterR
theR
SanR
FranciscoR
runningR
back
fumbles on the Eagles one-yard line and defensive tackle
MikeR
PattersonR
picksR
upR
theR
ballR
andR
runsR
towardR
the
oppositeR
endR
zone.R
DadR
andR
IR
areR
outR
ofR
ourR
seats,
cheering on the three-hundred-pound lineman as he runs
the whole length of the ..eld, and then the Eagles are up
313j
SanR
FranciscoR
scoresR
aR
fewR
touchdownsR
lateR
inR
the
secondR
half,R
butR
itR
doesntR
matter,R
becauseR
theR
gameR
is
basicallyR
outR
ofR
reach,R
andR
theR
EaglesR
winR
3824.R
AtR
the
conclusion of the game, my father and I sing Fly, Eagles,
FlyR
andR
doR
theR
chantR
oneR
lastR
time,R
celebrating the
EaglesR
victory,R
andR
thenR
DadR
simplyR
turnsR
o..R
the
televisionR
andR
returnsR
toR
hisR
studyR
withoutR
evenR
sayin[
goodbye to mej
The house is so quietj
MaybeR
aR
dozenR
orR
soR
beerR
bottlesR
onR
theR
..oor,R
the
pizza box is still on the co..ee table, and I know the sink
isR
stackedR
fullR
ofR
dishesR
andR
theR
panR
inR
whichR
Dad
cookedR
hisR
breakfastR
steak.R
SinceR
IR
amR
practicingR
bein[
ehQ
]
ss]
.@
eg
geg
kind,R
IR
..gureR
IR
shouldR
atR
leastR
cleanR
upR
theR
familyR
room
soR
MomR
wontR
haveR
toR
doR
it.R
IR
carryR
theR
BudR
bottlesR
out
toR
theR
recycleR
bucketR
byR
theR
garageR
andR
throwR
awayR
the
pizzaR
boxR
inR
theR
outsideR
garbageR
can.R
BackR
inside,R
aR
few
used napkins are on the ..oor, and when I reach down to
pick up the mess, I spot a crumpled ball of paper under
the coffee tablej
IR
pickR
upR
theR
ball,R
uncrumpleR
it,R
andR
realizeR
itR
isR
not
oneR
butR
twoR
piecesR
ofR
paper.R
MomsR
handwriting
emerges. I flatten the papers out on the coffee tablej
Patrickf
IR
needR
toR
tellR
youR
IR
willR
noR
longerR
allowR
youR
to
disregardR
theR
decisionsR
weR
makeR
together,R
norR
willR
I
allowR
youR
toR
talkR
downR
toR
meR
anyR
longerespeciallyR
in
frontR
ofR
others.R
IR
haveR
metR
aR
newR
friendR
whoR
has
encouragedR
meR
toR
assertR
myselfR
moreR
forcefullyR
inR
an
e..ortR
toR
gainR
yourR
respect.R
KnowR
thatR
IR
amR
doingR
thisR
to
save our marriagej
Your optionsF
1.R
ReturnR
theR
monstrousR
televisionR
youR
purchased,
and everything will go back to normalj
2.R
KeepR
theR
monstrousR
television,R
andR
youR
must
agree to the following demandsF
A.R
YouR
mustR
eatR
dinnerR
atR
theR
tableR
withR
Pat
and me five nights a weekj
]
]
[
e]
j
B.R
You must go on a half-hour walk with either
Pat or me five nights a weekj
C.R
You must have a daily conversation with Pat,
duringR
whichR
youR
askR
himR
atR
leastR
..ve
questions and listen to his replies, which you
will report to me nightlyj
D.R
YouR
mustR
doR
oneR
recreationalR
activityR
a
weekR
withR
PatR
andR
me,R
suchR
asR
eatingR
atR
a
restaurant, seeing a movie, going to the mall,
shooting baskets in the backyard, etcj
Failure to complete either option 1 or 2 will force m]
to go on strike. I will no longer clean your house, buy or
cook your food, launderR
your clothes,R
or shareR
your bed.
K
ntilR
youR
declareR
whichR
optionR
youR
wishR
toR
take,
consider your wife on strikej
With best intentionsf
Jeani]
ItR
doesR
notR
seemR
likeR
MomR
toR
beR
soR
forcefulR
withR
Dad,
and I do wonder if her new friend coached her through
theR
writingR
ofR
theR
two-pageR
letter.R
ItR
isR
veryR
hardR
forR
me
toR
pictureR
DadR
returningR
hisR
newR
television,R
especially
afterR
watchingR
theR
EaglesR
winR
onR
theR
newR
set.R
His
purchase will be considered good luck for sure, and Dad
will want to watch next weeks Eagles game on the same
televisionR
soR
heR
willR
notR
jinxR
theR
Birds,R
whichR
iQ
]
]
Q
Q
h]
h]
;
Q
_
_
s
understandable. But the demands Mom madeespecially
theR
oneR
whereR
DadR
hasR
toR
talkR
toR
meR
everyR
nightalso
seemR
incrediblyR
improbable,R
althoughR
IR
doR
thinkR
it
wouldR
beR
niceR
toR
eatR
dinnerR
togetherR
asR
aR
familyR
and
maybe even go out to a restaurant, but not to the movies,
sinceR
IR
amR
nowR
onlyR
willingR
toR
watchR
theR
movieR
ofR
my
own lifej
Suddenly I need to speak with my brother, but I do not
knowR
hisR
phoneR
number.R
IR
..ndR
theR
addressR
bookR
inR
the
cabinetR
above theR
stoveR
andR
placeR
aR
callR
toR
Jakes
apartment.R
AR
womanR
picksR
upR
onR
theR
thirdR
ring;R
heX
voice is beautifulj
Hello? she saysj
I know it is not my brother on the other end, but I still
say, Jake?:
Who is this?:
ItsR
PatR
Peoples.R
ImR
lookingR
forR
myR
brother,R
Jake.
Who are you?:
I hear the woman cover the phone with her hand, and
thenR
myR
brothersR
voiceR
comesR
throughR
loudR
andR
clear:
DidR
youR
seeR
thatR
ninety-eight-yardR
fumbleR
return?R
Did
you see Patterson run?:
IR
wantR
toR
askR
aboutR
theR
womanR
whoR
answeredR
my
brothersR
phone,R
butR
IR
amR
aR
littleR
afraidR
ofR
..ndingR
out
whoR
sheR
is.R
MaybeR
IR
shouldR
alreadyR
know,R
butR
forget
somehow. So I simply say, Yeah, I saw it.:
FrickinR
awesome,R
dude.R
IR
didntR
knowR
aR
defensiv]
eQ
]
ej
g
]
]
Q
e
tackle could run that far.:
WhyR
didntR
youR
comeR
overR
andR
watchR
theR
gameR
with
Dad and me?:
Truthfully?:
Yes.:
I cant lie to my brother. Mom called me this morning
andR
toldR
meR
notR
toR
come,R
soR
IR
wentR
toR
aR
barR
withR
Scott.
She called Ronnie too. I know because Ronnie called me
toR
makeR
sureR
everythingR
wasR
okay.R
IR
toldR
himR
notR
tN
worry.:
Why?:
Should he be worried?:
No,R
whyR
didR
MomR
tellR
youR
andR
RonnieR
notR
toR
come
over?:
SheR
said itR
would giveR
you aR
chance toR
be alone with
Dad.R
SheR
saidR
itR
wouldR
forceR
DadR
toR
talkR
toR
you.R
SoR
did
he?:
A little.:
Well, thats good, right?:
I found a note from Mom to Dad.:
What?:
I found a note from Mom to Dad.:
Okay. What did it say?:
Ill just read it to you.:
Go ahead.:
]
j
I read him the notej
Shit. Go Mom.:
YouR
knowR
heR
wontR
beR
takingR
theR
televisionR
back
now, right?:
Not after the Birds won today.:
Yeah, and Im worried that Dad wont be able to meet
the demands.:
Well,R
heR
probablyR
wont,R
butR
maybeR
hellR
atR
leastR
try,
right? And trying would be good for himand Mom.:
Jake changes the subject by mentioning Basketts catch
inR
theR
secondR
quarter,R
whichR
turnedR
outR
toR
beR
hisR
only
catch of the game. My brother doesnt want to talk about
ourR
parentsR
anymore.R
HeR
says,R
BaskettsR
comingR
along.
Hes an undrafted rookie, and hes getting catches. Thats
huge.R
ButR
itR
doesntR
feelR
hugeR
toR
me.R
JakeR
saysR
hes
lookingR
forwardR
toR
seeingR
meR
nextR
MondayR
night,R
when
theR
EaglesR
willR
playR
theR
GreenR
BayR
Packers.R
HeR
asksR
me
toR
haveR
lunchR
inR
theR
cityR
beforeR
weR
tailgateR
withR
Scott
and the fat men, and then we hang upj
Its getting late, and my mother is still not homej
IR
beginR
toR
worryR
aboutR
her,R
andR
soR
IR
doR
allR
theR
dishes
by hand. For a good ..fteen minuteswithR
steel woolI
scrubR
theR
panR
myR
fatherR
burned.R
AndR
thenR
IR
vacuumR
the
family room. Dad had splattered some pizza sauce on the
couch,R
soR
IR
..ndR
some cleaningR
sprayR
inR
theR
hallR
cabinet
and do my best to remove the staindabbing lightly and
then wiping a little harder in a circular motion, just lik]
h]
[
]
_
]
Q
e
it says on the side of the bottle. My mom comes home as
I am on my knees cleaning the couchj
DidR
yourR
fatherR
tellR
youR
toR
cleanR
upR
hisR
mess?R
MoO
asksj
No, I sayj
Did he tell you about the letter I wrote him?:
Nobut I found it.:
Well,R
thenR
youR
know.R
IR
dontR
wantR
youR
toR
doR
any
cleaning, Pat. Were goingR
to letR
this place rot until your
father gets the message.:
IR
wantR
toR
tellR
herR
IR
foundR
theR
PatR
boxR
inR
theR
atticf
howR
hungryR
IR
wasR
today,R
thatR
IR
reallyR
dontR
wantR
toR
live
inR
aR
..lthyR
house,R
andR
IR
needR
toR
takeR
oneR
thingR
atR
aR
time
..ndingR
theR
endR
ofR
apartR
timeR
..rstR
andR
foremostbut
MomR
looksR
soR
determinedR
andR
almostR
proud.R
SoR
IR
agree
toR
helpR
herR
makeR
theR
houseR
..lthy.R
SheR
saysR
weR
willR
be
eatingR
takeout,R
andR
whenR
myR
fatherR
isR
notR
home,
everythingR
willR
beR
asR
itR
wasR
beforeR
sheR
wroteR
theR
note,
butR
whenR
myR
father isR
home,R
weR
willR
beR
slovenly.R
IR
tell
MomR
thatR
whileR
sheR
isR
onR
strike,R
sheR
canR
sleepR
inR
my
bed,R
becauseR
IR
wantR
toR
sleepR
inR
theR
atticR
anyway.R
When
sheR
saysR
shellR
sleepR
onR
theR
couch,R
IR
insistR
sheR
takeR
my
bed, and she thanks mej
Mom? I say when she turns to leavej
She faces mej
Does Jake have a girlfriend? I askj
]
eeg]
Ij
Why?:
IR
calledR
himR
today,R
andR
aR
womanR
answeredR
the
phone.:
MaybeR
he doesR
haveR
aR
girlfriend,R
sheR
says,R
andR
theU
walks awayj
The indi..erence Mom shows regarding Jakes love life
makesR
meR
feelR
asR
thoughR
IR
amR
forgettingR
something.R
If
JakeR
hadR
aR
girl friendR
MomR
didR
notR
knowR
about,R
she
wouldR
haveR
askedR
meR
aR
millionR
questions.R
HerR
lackR
of
interest suggests that Mom is keeping another secret from
me,R
maybeR
somethingR
largerR
thanR
whatR
IR
foundR
inR
the
Pat box. Mom must be protecting me, I think, but I still
want to know from whatj
The Asian Invasio\
AfterW
aW
relativelyW
shortW
workoutW
andW
anW
evenW
shorter
andW
silentrunW
withW
Ti..any,W
IW
hopW
aW
trainW
t_
Philadelphia.W
FollowingW
JakesW
directions,W
IW
walkW
down
MarketW
StreetW
towardW
theW
river,W
turnW
rightW
onW
Second
Street, and follow the road to his building/
WhenW
IW
reachW
theW
address,W
IW
amW
surprisedW
toW
..ndW
that
JakeW
livesW
inW
aW
high-riseW
thatW
overlooksW
theW
Delaware
River.W
IW
haveW
toW
giveW
myW
nameW
toW
theW
doormanW
andW
tell
himW
whoW
IW
amW
visitingW
beforeW
heW
willW
letW
meW
inW
the
building.W
HesW
justW
anW
oldW
manW
inW
aW
funnyW
costume,W
who
says Go Eagles when he sees my Baskett jersey, but my
brotherW
havingW
aW
doorman isW
sortW
ofW
impressive,
regardless of the mans uniform/
AnotherW
oldW
manW
wearsW
aW
di..erentW
sortW
ofW
funny
costumeW
inW
theW
elevatorheW
evenW
hasW
onW
oneW
ofW
thosV
brimlessW
monkeyW
hatsandW
thisW
manW
takesW
meW
toW
the
tenth floor after I tell him my brothers name/
TheW
elevatorW
doorsW
open,W
andW
IW
walkW
downW
aW
bluV
[
_
o_
_
,
[
]
[
_
[
u
hallway on a thick red carpet. When I ..nd number 1021,
I knock three times/
WhatsW
up,W
Baskett?W
myW
brotherW
saysW
afterW
heW
openY
theW
door.W
HesW
inW
hisW
JeromeW
BrownW
memorialW
jersey
because its game day again. Come on in.T
ThereW
isW
aW
hugeW
bayW
windowW
inW
theW
livingW
room,W
andW
I
canW
seeW
theW
BenW
FranklinW
Bridge,W
theW
CamdenW
Aquarium,
andW
tinyW
boatsW
..oatingW
onW
theW
Delaware.W
ItsW
aW
beautiful
view.W
IW
immediatelyW
noticeW
thatW
myW
brotherW
hasW
aW
..at-
screenW
televisionW
thinW
enoughW
toW
hangW
onW
theW
wallW
likeW
a
pictureandW
itW
isW
evenW
biggerW
thanW
DadsW
television.W
But
strangest of all, my brother has a baby grand piano in his
living room. Whats this? I ask/
CheckW
itW
out,W
JakeW
says.W
HeW
sitsW
downW
onW
theW
piano
bench, lifts the cover o.. the keys, and then actually starts
playing. I am amazed that he can play Fly, Eagles, Fly.
HisW
versionW
isntW
veryW
fancy,W
justW
aW
simpleW
chord
progression,W
butW
itsW
de..nitelyW
theW
EaglesW
..ghtW
song.
WhenW
he beginsW
to sing,W
I singW
along withW
him. When he
..nishes,W
weW
doW
theW
chantW
andW
thenW
JakeW
tellsW
meW
heW
has
beenW
takingW
lessonsW
forW
theW
pastW
threeW
years.W
HeW
even
plays me another song, which is very unlike Fly, Eagles,
Fly.W
ThisW
nextW
songW
isW
familiarsurprisinglyW
gentle,W
like
aW
kittenW
walkingW
throughW
highW
grassandW
itW
seemsW
so
unlikeW
JakeW
toW
createW
somethingW
thisW
beautiful.W
IW
actually
feelW
myW
eyesW
moisteningW
asW
myW
brotherW
playsW
withW
his
eyes shut, moving his torso back and forth with the swad
ofW
theW
piece,W
whichW
alsoW
looksW
funnyW
becauseW
heW
iY
_
,
[
_
o_
g
au
wearing an Eagles jersey. He makes a couple of mistakes,
butW
IW
dontW
evenW
care,W
becauseW
heW
isW
tryingW
veryW
hardW
to
playW
theW
pieceW
correctlyW
forW
meW
andW
thatsW
whatW
counts,
rightE
When he ..nishes, I clap loudly and then ask him what
he was playing/
Pathtique.W
PianoW
SonataW
numberW
8.W
Beethoven.W
That
wasW
partW
ofW
theW
secondW
movement.W
AdagioW
cantabile,
Jake says. Did you like it?T
Very much. Truthfully, I am amazed. When did you
learn to play?T
WhenW
CaitlinW
movedW
inW
withW
me,W
sheW
broughtW
her
piano, and shes sort of been teaching me all about music
ever since.T
I start to feel dizzy because I have never heard mention
ofW
thisW
Caitlin,W
andW
IW
thinkW
myW
brotherW
justW
toldW
meW
she
lives here with him, which would mean my brother is in
aW
seriousW
relationshipW
IW
knowW
nothingW
about.W
ThisW
does
not seem right. Brothers should know aboutW
each others
lovers. Finally I manage to say, Caitlin?T
MyW
brotherW
takesW
meW
intoW
hisW
bedroom,W
andW
theresW
a
big wooden poster bed with two matching armoires that
look like guards facing each other. He picks up a framed
black-and-whiteW
photoW
fromW
theW
bedW
standW
andW
handsW
ia
toW
me.W
InW
theW
photo,W
JakesW
cheekW
isW
smashedW
againstW
a
beautifulW
womans.W
SheW
hasW
shortW
blondW
hair,W
cutW
almost
like a mans, and she is very delicate-looking, but pretty/
[
[
,
[
[
o_
,
g
.
SheW
isW
inW
aW
whiteW
dress;W
JakeW
isW
inW
aW
tuxedo.W
Thats
Caitlin,W
JakeW
says.W
SheW
playsW
withW
theW
Philadelphia
Orchestra sometimes and doesW
a lotW
of recordingW
in New
York City too. Shes a classical pianist.T
Why have I not heard about Caitlin before?T
Jake takes the portrait from my hands and stands it u
onW
theW
dresser.W
WeW
walkW
backW
intoW
theW
livingW
roomW
and
sitW
downW
onW
hisW
leatherW
couch.W
IW
knewW
youW
wereW
upset
aboutW
Nikki,W
soW
IW
didntW
wantW
toW
tellW
youW
thatW
IW
wasW

well happily married.T

Married?W
TheW
wordW
hitsW
meW
likeW
aW
giantW
wave,W
and
suddenly I am slick with sweat/
MomW
actuallyW
triedW
toW
getW
youW
outW
ofW
thatW
placeW
in
BaltimoreW
forW
theW
Mass,W
butW
itW
wasW
whenW
youW
wereW
..rst
admittedW
andW
theyW
wouldntW
letW
youW
out.W
MomW
didnt
wantW
me toW
tell youW
about CaitlinW
yet,W
so IW
didnt at ..rst,
butW
youreW
myW
brother,W
andW
nowW
thatW
youreW
home,W
I
wanted you to know about my life, and Caitlins theW
best
part.W
IveW
toldW
herW
allW
aboutW
youW
andifW
youW
wantyou
can meet her today. I had her go out this morning while
IW
broke theW
news to you.W
I canW
call her now,W
and weW
can
haveW
lunchW
beforeW
weW
goW
downW
toW
theW
Linc.W
So, doW
you
want to meet my wife?T
TheW
nextW
thingW
IW
know,W
ImW
atW
aW
littleW
swankyW
cafW
o
SouthW
Street,W
sittingW
acrossW
fromW
aW
beautifulW
womanW
who
holdsW
myW
brothersW
handW
underW
theW
tableW
andW
smilesW
at
meW
unceasingly.W
JakeW
andW
CaitlinW
carryW
theW
conversation,
u[
.aa[
[
_
ao,
andW
itW
feelsW
aW
lotW
likeW
whenW
IW
amW
withW
VeronicaW
and
Ronnie.W
JakeW
answersW
mostW
ofW
theW
questionsW
CaitlinW
asks
me,W
becauseW
IW
doW
notW
sayW
muchW
atW
all.W
NoW
mentionW
is
madeW
ofW
NikkiW
orW
myW
timeW
atW
theW
badW
placeW
orW
justW
how
bizarreW
itW
isW
thatW
CaitlinW
hasW
beenW
marriedW
toW
myW
brother
forW
years,W
yetW
IW
hadW
neverW
metW
her.W
WhenW
theW
waiter
comes,W
IW
sayW
ImW
notW
hungry,W
becauseW
IW
dontW
haveW
very
much money on meonly the ten bucks my mother gave
meW
forW
theW
subway,W
sinceW
IW
alreadyW
spentW
..veW
bucksW
o\
the PATCO ticket. But my brother orders for all of us and
saysW
heW
isW
treating,W
whichW
isW
niceW
ofW
him.W
WeW
eatW
fancy
hamW
sandwichesW
withW
someW
sortW
ofW
sun-driedW
tomato
paste,W
andW
whenW
IW
..nish,W
IW
askW
CaitlinW
ifW
theW
ceremony
was a nice one/
What ceremony? she says,W
and IW
catch herW
looking at
the little white scar above my right eyebrow/
Your wedding ceremony.T
Oh,W
sheW
says,W
andW
thenW
looksW
lovinglyW
atW
myW
brother.
Yes.W
ItW
wasW
reallyW
nice.W
WeW
hadW
theW
MassW
atW
St.W
Patricks
CathedralW
inW
NewW
YorkW
CityW
andW
thenW
aW
smallW
reception
at the New York Palace.T
How long have you been married?T
My brother shoots his wife a look that I do not miss/
AW
whileW
now,W
sheW
says,W
whichW
makesW
meW
feelW
crazy
because everyone present knows that I do not remember
theW
lastW
coupleW
ofW
yearsandW
becauseW
sheW
isW
aW
woman,
CaitlinW
knowsW
exactlyW
howW
longW
sheW
hasW
beenW
marriedW
t_
aoao_
[
a_
Jake.W
ItW
isW
obviousW
sheW
isW
tryingW
to protectW
meW
byW
being
vague.W
ThisW
makesW
meW
feelW
awful,W
evenW
thoughW
IW
realize
Caitlin is trying to be kind/
MyW
brotherW
paysW
theW
bill,W
andW
weW
walkW
CaitlinW
backW
to
theirW
apartmentW
building.W
JakeW
kissesW
hisW
wifeW
byW
the
entranceW
door,W
andW
hisW
loveW
forW
herW
isW
soW
obvious.W
Bua
thenW
CaitlinW
kisses meW
rightW
onW
theW
cheek,W
andW
withW
heb
faceW
onlyW
aW
fewW
inchesW
fromW
mine,W
sheW
says,W
ImW
gladW
I
..nallyW
gotW
toW
meetW
you,W
Pat.W
IW
hopeW
wellW
becomeW
good
friends.W
IW
nodW
becauseW
IW
dontW
knowW
whatW
elseW
toW
say,
and then Caitlin says, Go Baker!T
ItsW
Baskett,W
dummy,W
JakeW
says,W
andW
CaitlinW
blushes
before they kiss again/
Jake hails a taxi and tells the driver, City Hall.T
In the taxi I tell my brother I dont have any money to
payW
for theW
taxi ride, butW
he saysW
I never haveW
to payW
for
anythingW
whenW
IW
amW
withW
him,W
whichW
isW
aW
niceW
thingW
to
say, but his saying it makes me feel sort of strange/
G
nderneathW
CityW
Hall,W
weW
buyW
subwayW
tokens,W
spinW
a
turnstile, and then wait for the southbound Orange Line/
EvenW
thoughW
itW
isW
onlyW
1:30W
p.m.W
andW
kicko..W
isW
notW
for
seven hours yet, even though it is a Monday, a day when
mostW
peopleW
haveW
toW
work,W
manyW
menW
inW
EaglesW
jerseys
areW
alreadyW
waitingW
onW
theW
platform.W
ThisW
makesW
me
realizeW
thatW
JakeW
isW
notW
workingW
todayitW
makesW
me
realizeW
IW
doW
notW
evenW
knowW
whatW
JakeW
doesW
forW
aW
living,
whichW
reallyW
startsW
toW
freakW
meW
out.W
IW
thinkW
hardW
anh
[
[
_
[
og
/
]
[
a
rememberW
thatW
myW
brotherW
wasW
aW
businessW
majorW
in
college, but I cannot remember where he works, so I ask
him/
Im an options trader, he says/
Whats that?T
I play the stock market.T
Oh, I say. So who do you work for?T
Myself.T
What do you mean?T
IW
workW
forW
myselfW
andW
doW
allW
myW
businessW
online.W
I9
self-employed.T
WhichW
isW
whyW
youW
couldW
takeW
o..W
earlyW
toW
hangW
oua
with me.T
Thats the best part about being self-employed.T
IW
amW
veryW
impressedW
withW
JakesW
abilityW
toW
support
himself and his wife by playing the stock market, but he
doesntW
wantW
toW
talkW
aboutW
hisW
work.W
HeW
thinksW
ImW
not
smartW
enoughW
toW
understandW
whatW
heW
does;W
JakeW
doesnt
even try to explain his work to me/
So what did you think of Caitlin? he asks me/
ButW
theW
trainW
comes,W
andW
weW
joinW
theW
herdW
ofW
boarding
Eagles fans before I can answer/
What did you think of Caitlin? he asks again after we
find seats and the train starts moving/
ShesW
great,W
IW
say,W
avoidingW
eyeW
contactW
withW
md
,
a,
Ia,
a_
oa
brother/
YoureW
madW
atW
meW
forW
notW
tellingW
youW
aboutW
Caitli\
right away.T
No,W
ImW
not.W
IW
wantW
toW
tellW
himW
allW
aboutW
Ti..any
followingW
meW
whenW
IW
run;W
..ndingW
theW
PatW
box;W
how
Mom is still on strike and dirty dishes are in the sink and
DadW
turnedW
hisW
whiteW
shirtsW
pinkW
whenW
heW
didW
theW
wash;
how my therapist Cli.. says I need to stay neutral and not
getW
involvedW
inW
myW
parentsW
maritalW
problemsW
butW
onld
focus on improving my own mental healthbut how can
IW
doW
thatW
whenW
DadW
andW
MomW
areW
sleepingW
inW
separate
roomsW
andW
DadW
isW
alwaysW
tellingW
meW
toW
cleanW
theW
house
andW
MomW
isW
tellingW
meW
toW
leaveW
itW
..lthyandW
IW
was
having a hard time keeping it together before I found out
myW
brotherW
playsW
theW
pianoW
andW
tradesW
stocksW
andW
is
livingW
withW
aW
beautifulW
musicianW
andW
IW
haveW
missedW
his
galaW
weddingW
andW
thereforeW
willW
neverW
seeW
myW
brother
marry,W
whichW
isW
somethingW
IW
veryW
muchW
wantedW
toW
see,
becauseW
IW
loveW
myW
brother.W
ButW
insteadW
ofW
sayingW
anyW
o`
this,W
IW
say,W
Jake,W
ImW
sortW
ofW
worriedW
aboutW
seeingW
thaa
Giants fan again.T
IsW
thatW
whyW
youveW
beenW
soW
quietW
today?W
myW
brother
asks,W
asW
ifW
heW
hasW
forgottenW
allW
aboutW
whatW
happened
beforeW
theW
lastW
homeW
game.W
IW
doubtW
aW
GiantsW
fanW
will
showW
upW
atW
theW
GreenW
BayW
game,W
butW
wereW
goingW
toW
set
upW
inW
aW
di..erentW
parkingW
lotW
anyway,W
justW
inW
caseW
anyW
o`
theW
assholesW
friendsW
areW
lookingW
forW
us.W
IW
gotW
yourW
back.
DontW
worry.W
TheW
fatW
guysW
areW
settingW
upW
theW
tentW
inW
thV
oo/
au[
u
lot behind the Wachovia Center. No worries at all.T
WhenW
weW
arriveW
atW
BroadW
andW
Pattison,W
weW
exitW
the
subwayW
carW
andW
climbW
backW
upW
intoW
theW
afternoon.W
I
followW
myW
brotherW
throughW
theW
thinW
crowdsW
ofW
diehards
wholikeW
ushaveW
begunW
tailgatingW
sevenW
hoursW
before
kicko..,W
onW
aW
MondayW
noW
less.W
WeW
walkW
pastW
the
WachoviaW
Center,W
andW
whenW
theW
fatW
mensW
greenW
tent
comes into view, I cant believe what I see/
The fat men are outside of the tent with Scott, and they
are yelling at someone hidden by their collective girth. A
hugeW
schoolW
busW
paintedW
greenitsW
running,W
andW
the
driver is inching toward our tent. On the hood of the bus
isW
aW
portraitW
ofW
BrianW
DawkinssW
bust,W
andW
theW
likenessW
is
incredible.W
(DawkinsW
isW
aW
regularW
ProW
BowlerW
whoW
plays
free safety for the Birds.) As we get closer, I make out the
words the asian invasion along the side of the bus, which
isW
fullW
ofW
brown-facedW
men.W
ThisW
earlyW
inW
theW
afternoon,
parkingW
spacesW
areW
plentiful,W
soW
IW
wonderW
whatW
the
argument is about/
SoonW
IW
recognizeW
theW
voice,W
whichW
argues,W
TheW
Asian
InvasionW
hasW
beenW
parkedW
inW
thisW
veryW
spotW
forW
every
home game since the Linc was opened. Its good luck for
the Eagles. We are Eagles fans, just like you. Superstition
orW
not,W
ourW
parkingW
theW
AsianW
InvasionW
busW
inW
thisW
very
spot is crucial if you want the Birds to win tonight.T
WereW
notW
movingW
ourW
tent,W
ScottW
says.W
NoW
fuckin1
,
_
_
og
,
_
[
/
,
_
u
way.W
YouW
shouldW
haveW
gottenW
hereW
earlier.W
TheW
fatW
men
reiterate Scotts sentiment, and things are getting heated/
IW
seeW
Cli..W
beforeW
heW
seesW
me.W
MoveW
theW
tent,W
IW
sayW
to
our friends/
ScottW
andW
theW
fatW
menW
turnW
toW
faceW
me;W
theyW
look
surprisedW
byW
myW
command,W
almostW
bewildered,W
asW
ifW
I
have betrayed them/
My brother and Scott exchange a glance, and then Scott
asks,W
HankW
BaskettdestroyerW
ofW
GiantsW
fanssays,
Move the tent?T
Hank Baskett says, Move the tent, I say/
ScottW
turnsW
andW
facesW
Cli..,W
whoW
isW
shockedW
toW
seeW
me.
ScottW
says,W
HankW
BaskettW
says,W
MoveW
theW
tent.W
SoW
we
move the tent.T
TheW
fatW
guysW
groan,W
butW
theyW
beginW
toW
breakW
downW
our
tailgate party, and soon it is moved three parking spaces
over,W
alongW
withW
ScottsW
van,W
atW
whichW
timeW
theW
Asian
InvasionW
busW
pullsW
forwardW
andW
parks.W
FiftyW
orW
soW
Indian
men exiteach one of them wearing a green number 20
DawkinsW
jersey.W
TheyW
areW
likeW
aW
smallW
army,W
andW
soon,
severalW
barbecuesW
areW
goingW
andW
theW
smellW
ofW
curryW
isW
alc
around us/
Cli.. played it cool and did not say hello to me, which
IW
realizeW
wasW
hisW
wayW
ofW
saying,W
ItsW
yourW
call,W
Pat.W
HV
simplyW
fadedW
awayW
intoW
theW
otherW
DawkinsW
jerseys,W
soW
]
wouldW
notW
haveW
toW
explainW
ourW
relationship,W
whichW
waY
kind of him/
/
WhenW
weW
haveW
ourW
tentW
resituated,W
whenW
theW
fatW
men
areW
insideW
watchingW
television,W
ScottW
says,W
Hey,W
Baskett.
Why did you let the dot heads have our parking spot?T
None of them have a dot on their head, I say/
Did you know that little guy? Jake asks me/
Which little guy, me?T
WeW
turnW
around,W
andW
Cli..W
isW
standingW
thereW
withW
a
sizzlingW
platterW
ofW
vegetablesW
andW
meatW
cubesW
skewered
on sticks of wood/
IndianW
kabobs.W
QuiteW
delicious.W
ForW
allowingW
usW
to
park the Asian Invasion bus in its usual spot.T
When Cli.. lifts the platter up, we each grab an Indian
kabob,W
andW
theW
meatW
isW
spicy,W
butW
delicious,W
asW
areW
the
vegetables/
And the men in the tentwould they also like one?T
Hey, fat-asses, Scott yells. Food.T
TheW
fatW
menW
comeW
outW
andW
partake.W
SoonW
everyoneW
is
nodding and complimenting Cliff on his delicious food/
Sorry for the trouble, Cliff says so nicely/
Hes been so kindevenW
after hearingW
Scott callW
him a
dot headthat I cant help claiming Cli.. as a friend, so I
say,W
Cli..,W
thisW
isW
myW
brother,W
Jake,W
myW
friendW
Scott,W
and
I forget the fat mens names, so I just say, Friends of
Scott.T
Shit,W
ScottW
says.W
YouW
shouldW
haveW
justW
toldW
usW
you
wereW
friendsW
withW
BaskettW
hereW
andW
weW
wouldntW
havV
[
[
og
a
given you any trouble. You want a beer?T
Sure,W
Cli..W
says,W
puttingW
theW
emptyW
trayW
downW
onW
thV
concrete/
ScottW
handsW
everyoneW
aW
greenW
plasticW
cup,W
weW
allW
pour
bottles of Yuengling Lager, and then I am drinking beers
withW
myW
therapist.W
IW
amW
afraidW
Cli..W
willW
yellW
atW
meW
fob
drinking when I am on medications, but he doesnt/
HowW
doW
youW
guysW
knowW
eachW
other?W
oneW
ofW
theW
fat
guys says, and then I realize that by you guys, he means
Cliff and me/
IW
amW
soW
happyW
toW
beW
drinkingW
beersW
withW
Cli..W
thatW
I
say,W
HesW
myW
therapist,W
beforeW
IW
canW
remindW
myselfW
to
lie/
AndW
weW
areW
friendsW
too,W
Cli..W
quicklyW
adds,W
which
surprisesW
meW
butW
makesW
meW
feelW
prettyW
good,W
especially
since no one says anything about my needing a therapist/
What are your boys doing? Jake asks Cliff/
IW
turnW
aroundW
andW
seeW
tenW
orW
soW
menW
rollingW
outW
hugV
sheets of Astroturf/
They are rolling out the Kubb fields.T
What? everyone says/
Come on, Ill show you.T
AndW
thisW
isW
howW
weW
cameW
toW
playW
whatW
Cli..W
callsW
the
SwedishW
VikingW
gameW
whileW
tailgatingW
beforeW
Monday
Night Football/
WhyW
doW
aW
bunchW
ofW
IndiansW
playW
aW
SwedishW
Vikin1
,
oag
oI[
aa
game? one of the fat men asks/
Because its fun, Cliff replies, so cool/
TheW
IndianW
menW
areW
quickW
toW
shareW
theirW
foodW
andW
are
alsoW
soW
knowledgeableW
regardingW
EaglesW
football.W
They
explain Kubb, which is a game where you throw wooden
batons to knock down your opponents kubbs, which are
woodenW
blocksW
setW
upW
onW
oppositeW
baselines.W
The
knocked-downW
kubbsW
getW
tossedW
toW
theW
opponentsW
..elh
and set up where they land. To be truthful, I am still not
exactly sure how it all works, but I know the game ends
when you clean the opponents ..eld of kubbs and knock
downW
theW
kubbW
king,W
whichW
isW
theW
tallestW
blockW
ofW
wood,
set up in the center of the Astroturf/
Cli..W
surprisesW
meW
byW
askingW
ifW
heW
canW
beW
myW
partner/
AllW
afternoonW
heW
tellsW
meW
whichW
blocksW
toW
aimW
for,W
anh
weW
winW
manyW
gamesW
inW
betweenW
boutsW
ofW
eatingW
India\
kabobsW
andW
drinkingW
ourW
YuenglingW
LagerW
andW
theW
Asian
InvasionsW
IndiaW
PaleW
AleW
outW
ofW
greenW
plasticW
cups.W
Jake,
Scott,W
andW
theW
fatW
menW
assimilateW
intoW
theW
AsianW
Invasion
tailgateW
partyW
veryW
nicelyweW
haveW
IndiansW
inW
ourW
tent,
theyW
haveW
whiteW
guysW
onW
theirW
KubbW
..eldsandW
IW
thinf
allW
itW
reallyW
takesW
forW
di..erentW
peopleW
toW
getW
alongW
isW
a
common rooting interest and a few beers/
EveryW
soW
oftenW
oneW
ofW
theW
IndianW
menW
yells
Ahhhhhhhh!W
andW
whenW
weW
allW
doW
theW
chant,W
weW
are
..ftyW
orW
soW
menW
strong,W
andW
ourW
E!-A!-G!-L!-E!-SF
EAGLES! is deafening/
[
/
Cli..W
isW
deadlyW
withW
hisW
woodenW
batons.W
HeW
mostly
carriesW
our teamW
asW
weW
playW
KubbW
againstW
various
groupingsW
ofW
men,W
butW
weW
endW
upW
winningW
theW
money
tournament,W
inW
whichW
IW
didW
notW
evenW
knowW
weW
were
playingW
untilW
weW
won.W
OneW
ofW
Cli..sW
boysW
handsW
meW
..fty
dollars.W
Cli..W
explainsW
thatW
JakeW
paidW
myW
entryW
fee,W
soW
I
try to give my brother my winnings, but Jake will not let
me.W
Finally,W
IW
decideW
toW
buyW
roundsW
ofW
beerW
insideW
thV
Linc, and I stop arguing with my brother over money/
After the sun sets, when it is just about time to go into
LincolnW
FinancialW
Field,W
IW
askW
Cli..W
ifW
IW
canW
talkW
toW
him
alone, and when we walk away from the Asian Invasion,
I say, Is this okay?T
This?W
heW
replies,W
andW
theW
glassyW
lookW
inW
hisW
eyes
suggests he is a little drunk/
TheW
twoW
ofW
usW
hangingW
outW
likeW
boys.W
WhatW
myW
friend
Danny would call representing.T
Why not?T
Well, because you are my therapist.T
Cli..W
smiles,W
holdsW
upW
aW
littleW
brownW
..nger,W
andW
says,
WhatW
didW
IW
tellW
you?W
WhenW
IW
amW
notW
inW
theW
leather
recliner T
Youre a fellow Eagles fan.T
Damn right, he says, and then claps me on the back/
After the game I catch a ride back to Jersey on the Asia\
aIaaa_
_
a
Invasion bus, and the Indian men and I sing Fly, Eagles,
Fly over and over again because the Eagles have beaten
theW
PackersW
319W
onW
nationalW
television.W
WhenW
Cli..s
friendsW
dropW
meW
o..W
inW
frontW
ofW
myW
house,W
itsW
after
midnight,W
butW
theW
funnyW
driver,W
whoW
isW
namedW
Ashwini,
hitsW
theW
hornW
onW
theW
AsianW
InvasionW
busaW
special
recordingW
ofW
allW
..ftyW
membersW
screamingW
E!-A!-G!-L!-E!-
S!W
EAGLES!W
IW
worryW
thatW
maybeW
theyW
haveW
wokenW
up
everyoneW
inW
myW
neighborhood,W
butW
IW
cantW
helpW
laughing
as the green bus pulls away/
MyW
fatherW
isW
stillW
awake,W
sittingW
onW
theW
family-room
couchW
watchingW
ESPN.W
WhenW
heW
seesW
me,W
heW
doesntW
say
hello,W
butW
loudlyW
beginsW
toW
sing,W
Fly,W
Eagles,W
..y.W
OnW
the
road to victory So I sing the song one more time with
myW
father,W
andW
whenW
weW
..nishW
theW
chantW
atW
theW
end,W
my
dad continues to hum the ..ght song as he marches o.. to
bedW
withoutW
soW
muchW
asW
askingW
meW
aW
singleW
question
aboutW
myW
day,W
whichW
hasW
beenW
extraordinaryW
toW
sayW
the
least,W
evenW
ifW
HankW
BaskettW
onlyW
hadW
twoW
catchesW
for
twenty-sevenW
yardsW
andW
hasW
yetW
toW
..ndW
theW
endW
zone.W
I
thinkW
aboutW
cleaningW
upW
myW
fathersW
emptyW
beerW
bottles,
but I remember what my mother told me about keeping
the house filthy while she is on strike/
Downstairs, I hit the weights and try not to think about
missingW
JakesW
wedding,W
whichW
stillW
hasW
meW
downW
some,
even if the Birds did win. I need to work off the beer and
the Indian kabobs, so I lift for many hours/
Weathering the Relative Squalo\
When`
I`
ask`
to`
see`
Jakes`
wedding`
pictures,`
my`
mother
plays`
dumb.`
What`
wedding`
pictures?`
she`
asks.`
But
when`
I`
tell`
her`
I`
have`
met`
Caitlinthat`
we`
had`
lunc[
together`
and`
I`
have`
already`
accepted`
my`
sister-in-lawi
existence`
as`
factmy`
mother`
looks`
relieved`
and`
saysq
Well`
then,`
I`
guess`
I`
can`
hang`
up`
the`
wedding`
photoi
again.x
She`
leaves`
me`
sitting`
in`
the`
living`
room`
by`
the
..replace. When she returns, she hands me a heavy photo
album`
bound`
in`
white`
leather`
and`
begins`
to`
stand`
large
frames`
up`
on`
the`
mantelpictures`
of`
Jake`
and`
Caitli^
previously`
hidden`
for`
my`
bene..t.`
As`
I`
..ip`
through`
the
pages`
of`
my`
brothers`
wedding`
album,`
Mom`
also`
hangs
up`
a`
few`
portraits`
of`
Jake`
and`
Caitlin`
on`
the`
walls.`
It
was a beautiful day, Pat. We all wished you were there.x
The`
massive`
cathedral`
and`
the`
plush`
reception`
hall
suggest`
that`
Caitlins`
family`
must`
have`
what`
Danny`
calls
mad`
cheddar,`
so`
I`
ask`
what`
Caitlins`
father`
does`
for`
Y
c[
q
g
j
[
]
]
[
g
o
livingu
For`
years`
he`
was`
a`
violinist`
for`
the`
New`
York
Philharmonic,`
but`
now`
he`
teaches`
at`
Juilliard.`
Music
theory. Whatever that means. Mom has ..nished hanging
the`
framed`
pictures,`
and`
she`
sits`
next`
to`
me`
on`
the
couch.`
Caitlins`
parents`
are`
nice`
people,`
but`
theyre`
not
rX
ab
b
y our`
kind`
of`
people,`
which`
became`
painfully
obvious`
during`
the`
reception.`
How`
do`
I`
look`
in`
the
pictures?x
In`
the`
photos,`
my`
mother`
wears`
a`
chocolate`
brown
dress`
and`
a`
bloodred`
sash`
over`
naked`
shoulders.`
Her
lipstick`
matches`
the`
sash`
perfectly,`
but`
it`
looks`
as`
if`
she
has`
on`
too`
much`
eye`
makeup,`
making`
her`
look`
sort`
of
like`
a`
raccoon.`
On`
the`
plus`
side,`
her`
hair`
is`
in`
what
Nikki`
used`
to`
call`
a`
classic`
updo`
and`
looks`
pretty
good,`
so`
I`
tell`
Mom`
she`
photographs`
well,`
which`
makes
her smileu
Tension`
occupies`
my`
fathers`
face;`
he`
does`
not`
look
comfortable`
in`
any`
of`
the`
pictures,`
so`
I`
ask`
if`
he
approves of Caitlinu
Shes`
from`
a`
di..erent`
world`
as`
far`
as`
your`
fathers
concerned,`
and`
he`
did`
not`
enjoy`
interacting`
with`
her
parentsat`
allbut`
hes`
happy`
for`
Jake,`
in`
his`
own
non-expressive`
way,`
Mom`
says.`
He`
understands`
that
Caitlin makes your brother happy.x
This`
gets`
me`
thinking`
about`
how`
strange`
my`
fathe\
was`
at`
my`
own`
wedding,`
refusing`
to`
speak`
to`
anyonX
g
]
gq
]
_
g
j
g
o
unless`
he`
was`
spoken`
to`
..rst`
and`
then`
answering
everyone`
with`
monosyllabic`
responses.`
I`
remembe\
being`
mad`
at`
my`
father`
during`
the`
rehearsal`
dinner
because`
he`
would`
not`
even`
look`
at`
Nikki,`
let`
alone
interact`
with`
her`
family.`
I`
remember`
my`
mother`
and
brother`
telling`
me`
that`
Dad`
did`
not`
deal`
well`
with
change,`
but`
their`
explanation`
meant`
nothing`
to`
me`
until
the next dayu
Halfway`
through`
the`
Mass,`
the`
priest`
asked`
the
congregation`
if`
they`
would`
hold`
Nikki`
and`
me`
up`
in
their`
prayers,`
and`
as`
instructed,`
we`
turned`
to`
face`
the
response.`
I`
instinctively`
looked`
toward`
my`
parents,
curious`
to`
see`
if`
my`
father`
would`
say`
the`
words`
we
will`
like`
he`
was`
supposed`
to,`
chanting`
along`
with
everyone`
else,`
and`
this`
is`
when`
I`
saw`
him`
wiping`
his
eyes`
with`
a`
tissue`
and`
biting`
down`
on`
his`
lower`
lip.`
His
whole`
body`
was trembling`
slightly,`
as`
if`
he`
were`
an`
old
man. It was the strangest sight, my father crying during a
wedding`
that`
had`
seemed`
to`
make`
him`
so`
annoyed.`
The
very`
man`
who`
never`
showed`
any`
emotions`
other`
than
anger was crying. I kept staring at my father, and when it
became obvious that I was not going to turn back toward
the priest, Jakewho was my best manhad to give me
a little nudge to break the spellu
Sitting on the couch with my mother, I ask her, When
were Caitlin and Jake married?x
My`
mother`
looks`
at`
me`
strangely.`
She`
doesnt`
want`
to
mention the dateu
ig
[
I know it happened when I was in the bad place, ann
I`
also`
know`
that`
I`
was`
in`
the`
bad`
place`
for`
years.`
IvX
accepted that much.x
Are you sure you really want to know the date?x
I can handle it, Mom.x
She`
looks at`
me for`
a second,`
trying to`
decide what to
do, and then says, The summer of 2004. August seventh.
Theyve been married for just over two years now.x
Who paid for the wedding photos?x
My`
mother`
laughs.`
Are`
you`
kidding`
me?`
Your`
father
and`
I`
never`
could`
have`
a..orded`
that`
fancy`
sort`
of
wedding`
album.`
Caitlins`
parents`
were`
very`
generousq
putting`
together`
the`
album`
for`
us`
and`
allowing`
us`
to
blow up whatever photos we wanted andx
Did they give you the negatives?x
Why would they give usx
She must see the look on my face, because Mom stops
speaking immediatelyu
Then`
how`
did`
you`
replace`
the`
photos`
after`
that
burglar`
came`
and`
stole`
all`
the`
framed`
photos`
in`
the
house?x
Mother is thinking how best to answer as I wait for her
response;`
she`
begins`
chewing`
on`
the`
inside`
of`
her`
cheek
the way she sometimes does when she is anxious. After a
second,`
she`
calmly`
says,`
I`
called`
up`
Caitlins`
motherq
told`
her`
about`
the`
burglary,`
and`
she`
had`
copies`
madX
g
[
g
[
_
q
[
[
cg
]
that very week.x
Then`
how`
do`
you`
explain`
these?`
I`
say`
just`
beforX
pulling`
framed`
wedding`
pictures`
of`
Nikki`
and`
me`
ouZ
from`
behind`
the`
pillow`
at`
the`
far`
end`
of`
the`
love`
seatu
When`
my`
mother`
says`
nothing,`
I`
stand`
and`
return`
ms
wedding picture to its rightful place on the mantel. Then
on`
the`
wall`
by`
the`
front`
window`
I`
rehang`
the`
picture`
of
my`
immediate`
family`
gathered`
around`
Nikki`
in`
her
wedding`
dressher`
white`
train`
spilling`
out`
across`
the
grass`
toward`
the`
camera.`
I`
found`
the`
Pat`
box,`
Mom.`
If
you really hate Nikki so much, just tell me, and Ill hang
the pictures up in the attic, where I sleep.x
Mom doesnt say anythingu
Do you hate Nikki? And if so, why?x
My`
mother`
will`
not`
look`
at`
me.`
Shes`
running`
her
hands through her hairu
Why`
did`
you`
lie`
to`
me?`
What`
else`
have`
you`
lied
about?x
Im sorry, Pat. But I lied to x
Mom`
does`
not`
tell`
me`
why`
she`
lied;`
instead`
she`
starts
to cry againu
For`
a very`
long time,`
I look`
out the`
window and stare
at`
the`
neighbors`
house`
across`
the`
street.`
Part`
of`
me
wants`
to`
comfort`
my`
motherto`
sit`
down`
next`
to`
her
and`
throw`
an`
arm`
over`
her`
shoulders,`
especially`
since`
I
know`
my`
father`
has`
not`
talked`
to`
her`
in`
more`
than`
Y
week`
and`
is`
happily`
eating`
takeout`
three`
times`
a`
dayq
j
ih]
igkg
[
]
,
doing`
his`
own`
laundry,`
and`
weathering`
the`
relative
squalor. I have caught Mom cleaning here and there, and
I`
know`
she`
is`
a little`
upset`
about`
her`
plan`
not`
working
out`
like`
she`
hoped`
it`
would.`
But`
I`
am`
also`
mad`
at`
ms
mother for lying to me, and even though I am practicing
being`
kind`
rather`
than`
right,`
I`
cant`
..nd`
it`
in`
me`
tocomfort her right nowu
Finally I leave Mom crying on the couch. I change, andwhen I go outside for a ru
n, Tiffany is waitingu
As If He Were Yoda and I Were LukG
Skywalker Training on the Dagobah Syste]
When we ..nish discussing our Kubb tournament victory
and KMrs. Patels extraordinary Kability Kto render an KexactK
likeness of Brian Dawkinss bust on the hood of a school
bus, KI Kpick Kthe Kblack Krecliner Kand Ktell KCli.. KI Kam Ka Klittle
depressed.KWhats wrong? he says, pulling the lever and raising
his footrest.KTerrell Owens.KCli.. nods, as if he were expecting me to bring up th
e
wide receivers name.KI Kdid Knot Kwant Kto Ktalk Kabout Kthis Kearlier, Kbut Kit
Kwas
reported Kthat KTerrell KOwens K(or KT.O.) Ktried Kto Kkill
himself on September 26. News reports stated that T.O.
overdosed Kon Ka Kpain Kmedication. KLater, Kafter KT.O. Kwas
released from the hospital, he said he did not try to kill
himself, and then everyone began to think he was crazy.K
]
IC
rememberC
T.O.C
asC
aC
youngC
49er,C
butC
OwensC
wasC
not
onC
theC
49ersC
rosterC
whenC
IC
watchedC
theC
EaglesC
playC
iN
SanC
FranciscoC
aC
fewC
weeksC
ago.C
WhatC
IC
learnedC
from
reading the sports pages was that T.O. had played for thG
EaglesC
whenC
IC
wasC
inC
theC
badC
place,C
andC
heC
hadC
helpeL
theC
BirdsC
getC
toC
SuperC
BowlC
XXXIX,C
whichC
IC
doC
noY
rememberC
atC
all.C
(MaybeC
thisC
isC
good,C
sinceC
theC
Eagles
lost,C
butC
notC
rememberingC
stillC
makesC
meC
feelC
crazy.)
T.O.C
apparentlyC
heldC
outC
forC
moreC
moneyC
theC
nextC
year,
saidC
badC
thingsC
aboutC
EaglesC
QBC
DonovanC
McNabb,C
was
suspendedC
forC
theC
secondC
halfC
ofC
theC
season,C
andC
theN
wasC
actuallyC
cutC
fromC
theC
team,C
soC
heC
signedC
withC
the
veryC
teamC
EaglesC
fansC
hateC
mosttheC
Cowboys.C
And
becauseC
ofC
this,C
everyoneC
inC
PhiladelphiaC
currentlyC
hateB
T.O. more than just about anyone else on the planet#
T.O.?C
DontC
worryC
aboutC
him,C
Cli..C
says.C
DawkinsC
is
goingC
toC
hitC
himC
soC
hardC
thatC
OwensC
willC
beC
afraidC
tK
catch any balls at the Linc.<
ImC
notC
worriedC
aboutC
T.O.C
makingC
catchesC
and
scoring touchdowns.<
Cli..C
looksC
atC
meC
forC
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second,C
asC
ifC
heC
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notC
know
howC
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respond,C
andC
thenC
says,C
TellC
meC
whatC
worrieB
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fatherC
refersC
toC
T.O.C
asC
aC
psychopathicC
pilU
popper.C
AndC
onC
theC
phoneC
thisC
week,C
JakeC
alsoC
made
jokes about T.O. taking pills, calling Owens a nutter.<
Why does this bother you?<
Well, Kthe Kreports KI Kread Kin Kthe Ksports Kpages Kclaimed
that T.O. was possibly battling depression.KYes.KWell, KI Ksay, Kthat Kwould Ksuggest
Kmaybe Khe KneedsK
therapy.KAnd?KIf KTerrell KOwens Kis Kreally Kdepressed Kor Kmentally
unstable, why do the people I love use it as an excuse toK
talk badly about him?KCliff takes a deep breath. Hmmm.KDoesnt Kmy Kdad Kunderstand Kt
hat KIm Ka Kpsychopathic
pill popper too?KAs Kyour Ktherapist, KI Kcan Kcon..rm Kthat Kyou Kare Kclearly
not psychopathic, Pat.KBut Im on all sorts of pills.KAnd yet you are not abusing your
medications.KI Kcan Ksee Kwhat KCli.. Kmeans, Kbut Khe Kdoesnt Kreally
understand Khow KI Kfeelwhich Kis Ka Kmix Kof Kvery
complicated and hard-to-convey emotions, I realizeso I
drop the subject.K
When the Dallas Cowboys come to Philadelphia, the fat
mens Ktent Kand Kthe KAsian KInvasion Kbus Kare Kcombined Kto
create Ka Ksuper Kparty Kthat Kagain Kfeatures Ka KubbK
tournament Kon KAstroturf, Ksatellite Ktelevision, KIndian
kabobs, and much beer. But I cannot concentrate on theK
kKm
fun, because all around me is hatred.KThe K..rst Kthings KI Knotice Kare Kthe Kh
omemade KT-shirts
other Ktailgaters Kare Kbuying Kand Kselling Kand Kwearing. KSoK
many di..erent slogans and images. One has a cartoon of
a small boy urinating on the Dallas star, and the caption
reads dallas Ksucks. Kt.o. Kswallows K pills. KAnother Kshirt
has Ka Klarge Kprescription Kbottle Kwith Kthe Kuniversal Kskull-
and-crossbones Kpoison Ksymbol Kon Kthe Klabel Kand terrell
owens Kwritten Kunderneath. KYet Kanother Kversion KfeaturesK
the pill bottle on the front and a gun on the back, under
which Kthe Kcaption Kreads KT.O., if Kat K..rst Kyou KdontK
succeed, buy Ka gun. KA Knearby Ktailgater Khas Knailed KT.O.sK
old KEagles Kjersey Kto Ka Kten-foot Kcross, Kwhich Kis Kalso
covered Kwith Korange Kprescription Kbottles Kthat Klook
exactly Klike Kmine. KPeople Kare Kburning Ktheir Kold KT.O.
jerseys Kin Kthe Kparking Klot; Khuman-size Kdolls Kin KT.O.
jerseys Kare Kstrung Kup Kso Kpeople Kcan Khit Kthem Kwith Kbats.
And even though I do not like any Dallas Cowboy, I feel
sort of bad for Terrell Owens because maybe he really is
a Ksad Kguy Kwho Kis Khaving Ktrouble Kwith Khis Kmind. KWho
knows, maybe he really did try to kill himself? And yet
everyone mocks him, as if his mental health is a joke
or Kmaybe Kthey Kwant Kto Kpush Khim Kover Kthe Kedge Kand
would like nothing more than to see T.O. dead.KBecause of my poor throws, Cliff
and I get knocked out
of Kthe Kubb Ktournament Kearly, Klosing Kthe K..ve Kbucks Kmy
brother Kfronted Kme, Kand Kthis Kis Kwhen KCli.. Kasks Kme Kto
help Khim Kmove Ksome KIndia KPale KAle Kout Kof Kthe KAsianK
mmKm
Invasion Kbus. KWhen Kwe Kare Kinside Kof Kthe Kbus, Khe KclosesK
the door and says, Whats wrong?K
Nothing, I say.K
You Kwerent Keven Klooking Kto Ksee Kwhere Kyour Kbatons
landed, you were so distracted during the Kubb games.K
I say nothing.K
Whats wrong?K
Youre not in your leather seat.K
Cli.. Ksits Kdown, Kpats Kthe Kbus Kseat, Kand Ksays, KPleatherK
will have to do today.KI sit down in the seat across from Cli.. and say, I just
feel bad for T.O. Thats all.KHes getting millions of dollars to endure this type of
criticism. KAnd Khe Kthrives Kon Kit. KHe Kbrings Kit Kon Khimself
with those touchdown dances and the hoopla. And theseK
people dont really want T.O. to die; they just dont wanthim to perform well today.
Its all in good fun.K
Now, I know what Cliff means, but it doesnt seem likegood Kfun Kto Kme. KAnd Kreg
ardless Kof Kwhether KT.O. Kis Ka
millionaire Kor Knot, KIm Knot Ksure KT-shirts Kencouraging
anyone to shoot himself in the head should be condonedby my therapist. But I dont
say anything.K
Back outside the bus I see that Jake and Ashwini are inthe ..nal game of the Kub
b tournament, so I try to cheer
for them and block out the hatred that surrounds me.K
InsideC
theC
Linc,C
allC
throughoutC
theC
..rstC
half,C
theC
crowL
sings,C
O.D.O.D.,C
O.D.,C
O.D.O.D.O.D.C
Jake
explainsC
thatC
theC
crowdC
usedC
toC
sing,C
T.O.T.O.,C
T.O.2
T.O.T.O.T.O.C
backC
whenC
OwensC
wasC
anC
Eagle.C
I
watchC
OwensC
onC
theC
sideline,C
andC
evenC
thoughC
hG
doesnt have many catches yet, he seems to be dancing to
theC
rhythmC
ofC
theC
crowdsC
O.D.C
song,C
andC
IC
wonderC
ifC
he
is really so immune to seventy thousand people mocking
hisC
nearC
overdoseC
orC
ifC
heC
reallyC
feelsC
di..erentlyC
inside#
Again I cant help feeling bad for the guy. I wonder whaY
IC
wouldC
doC
ifC
seventyC
thousandC
peopleC
mockedC
my
forgetting the last few years of my life#
ByC
halftimeC
HankC
BaskettC
hasC
twoC
catchesC
forC
twenty-
five yards, but the Eagles are losing 2117#
All throughout the second half, Lincoln Financial FielL
isC
alive;C
weC
EaglesC
fansC
knowC
thatC
..rstC
placeC
inC
theC
NFC
East is at stake#
WithC
justC
underC
eightC
minutesC
toC
goC
inC
theC
third,
everything changes#
McNabbC
throwsC
aC
longC
oneC
downC
theC
leftC
sideC
ofC
thG
..eld.C
EveryoneC
inC
myC
sectionC
standsC
toC
seeC
whatC
will
happen.C
NumberC
84C
catchesC
theC
ballC
inC
DallasC
territory,
putsC
a moveC
on theC
defender, takesC
o.. forC
the end zone,
andC
thenC
IC
amC
inC
theC
air.C
d
nderC
meC
areC
ScottC
andC
Jake.
ImC
ridingC
highC
onC
theirC
shoulders.C
EveryoneC
inC
our
sectionC
isC
high-..vingC
meC
becauseC
HankC
BaskettC
has
..nallyC
scoredC
hisC
..rstC
NFLC
touchdownanC
eighty-seven]
]
-
yarderandC
ofC
courseC
IC
amC
wearingC
myC
BaskettC
jersey.
TheC
EaglesC
areC
winning,C
andC
IC
amC
soC
happyC
thatC
IC
forget
allC
aboutC
T.O.C
andC
startC
toC
think aboutC
myC
dadC
watching
atC
homeC
onC
hisC
hugeC
television,C
andC
IC
wonderC
ifC
maybe
theC
TVC
camerasC
caughtC
meC
whenC
IC
wasC
ridingC
highC
on
JakesC
andC
ScottsC
shoulders.C
MaybeC
DadC
sawC
aC
life-size
meC
celebratingC
onC
hisC
..atC
screen,C
andC
maybeC
heC
isC
even
proud#
A series of tense moments get our hearts beating at the
endC
ofC
theC
fourthC
quarter,C
whenC
DallasC
isC
driving,C
down
3124.C
AC
scoreC
willC
sendC
theC
gameC
intoC
OT.C
ButC
LitK
SheppardC
interceptsC
BledsoeC
andC
returnsC
theC
pickC
forC
a
TD,C
andC
theC
wholeC
stadiumC
singsC
theC
EaglesC
..ghtC
song
and chants the letters, and the day is ours#
WhenC
theC
clockC
ticksC
down,C
IC
lookC
forC
T.O.C
andC
see
him sprint o.. the ..eld and into the locker room without
even shaking the hand of one single Eagle. I still feel bad
for him#
JakeC
andC
ScottC
andC
IC
exitC
theC
LincC
andC
runC
intoC
the
AsianC
InvasionwhichC
isC
easyC
toC
spotC
fromC
farC
away
becauseC
itC
consistsC
ofC
..ftyC
IndianC
men,C
usuallyC
clumped
together, all in Brian Dawkins jerseys. Just look for ..fty
number 20s, they always say. Cli.. and I run up to each
otherC
andC
high-..veC
andC
screamC
andC
yell,C
andC
thenC
all
..ftyC
IndianC
menC
startC
chanting,C
Baskett,C
Baskett,
Baskett!C
AndC
IC
amC
soC
happy;C
IC
pickC
littleC
Cli..C
upC
and
hoistC
himC
ontoC
myC
shouldersC
andC
carryC
himC
backC
toC
the
AsianC
InvasionC
busC
asC
ifC
heC
wereC
YodaC
andC
IC
wereC
LukG
k
Skywalker training on the Dagobah System in the middle
sectionC
of TheC
EmpireC
StrikesC
Back,C
whichC
isasC
IC
told
youC
beforeoneC
ofC
myC
all-timeC
favoriteC
movies.C
E!-A!-
G!-L!-E!-S!C
EAGLES!C
weC
chantC
soC
manyC
timesC
asC
we
navigateC
theC
crowdsC
andC
..ndC
ourC
wayC
backC
toC
ourC
spot
behindC
theC
WachoviaC
Center,C
whereC
theC
fatC
menC
are
waitingC
withC
ice-coldC
celebrationC
beers.C
IC
keepC
hugging
Jake and high-..ving Cli.. and chest bumping the fat men
andC
singingC
withC
theC
Indians.C
IC
amC
soC
happy.C
IC
amC
so
impossibly happy#
WhenC
theC
AsianC
InvasionC
dropsC
meC
o..C
inC
frontC
ofC
my
house, itsC
late,C
soC
IC
askC
AshwiniC
notC
toC
blowC
theC
Eagles
chant horn and he reluctantly agreesalthough when thG
bus rounds the corner at the end of my street, I hear ..fty
IndianC
menC
chant,C
E!-A!-G!-L!-E!-S!C
EAGLES!C
IC
cant
help smiling as I enter my parents home#
IC
amC
readyC
forC
Dad.C
AfterC
suchC
aC
bigC
winaC
winC
that
putsC
theC
EaglesC
inC
..rstC
placesurelyC
DadC
willC
wantC
to
talkC
toC
me.C
ButC
whenC
IC
enterC
theC
familyC
room,C
noC
oneC
is
there. No beer bottles on the ..oor, no dishes in the sink.
In fact, the whole house looks spotless#
Dad? Mom? I say, but no one answers. I saw both of
theirC
carsC
inC
theC
drivewayC
whenC
IC
cameC
home,C
soC
IC
am
veryC
confused.C
IC
beginC
toC
climbC
theC
steps,C
andC
theC
house
is deadly quiet. I check my bedroom, and my beds made
andC
theC
roomC
isC
empty.C
SoC
IC
knockC
onC
myC
parents
bedroom door, but no one answers. I push the door open
and immediately wish I hadnt#
m]
YourC
fatherC
andC
IC
madeC
upC
afterC
theC
EaglesC
victory,
Mom says with a funny smile. He aims to be a changed
man.<
TheC
sheetC
isC
pulledC
upC
toC
theirC
necks,C
butC
somehowC
I
know my parents are naked underneath the covers#
YourC
boyC
BaskettC
healedC
theC
family,C
myC
fatherC
says.
He was a god out there on the ..eld today. And with thG
EaglesC
inC
..rstC
place,C
IC
thought,C
WhyC
notC
makeC
upC
with
Jeanie?<
Still, I cannot speak#
Pat,C
maybeC
youdC
likeC
toC
goC
forC
aC
run?C
myC
mom
suggests. Maybe just a little half-hour run?<
I close their bedroom door#
WhileC
IC
changeC
intoC
aC
tracksuit,C
IC
thinkC
IC
hearC
my
parentsC
bedC
squeak,C
andC
theC
houseC
seemsC
toC
shakeC
a
littleC
too.C
SoC
IC
slipC
onC
myC
sneakersC
andC
runC
downC
the
stairs and out the front door. I sprint across the park, run
around to the back of the Websters house, and knock on
Ti..anysC
door.C
WhenC
sheC
answers,C
shesC
inC
someC
sortC
of
nightgown and her face looks confused#
Pat? What are you<
My parents are having sex, I explain. Right now.<
HerC
eyesC
widen.C
SheC
smilesC
andC
thenC
laughs.C
JustC
let
me get changed, she says, and then shuts the door#
WeC
walkC
forC
hoursallC
aroundC
Collingswood.C
AtC
..rstC
D
k
ramble on and on about T.O., Baskett, my parents, Jake,
theC
AsianC
Invasion,C
myC
weddingC
pictures,C
myC
mothers
ultimatumC
actuallyC
workingeverythingbutC
Ti..any
doesC
notC
sayC
anythingC
inC
response.C
WhenC
IC
runC
outC
oE
words,C
weC
simplyC
walkC
andC
walkC
andC
walk,C
andC
..nally
weC
areC
inC
frontC
ofC
theC
WebstersC
houseC
andC
itC
isC
timeC
to
say good night. I stick my hand out and say, Thanks for
listening.C
WhenC
itC
isC
clearC
thatC
Ti..anysC
notC
goingC
tK
shake, I start to walk away#
TurnC
around,C
brightC
eyes,C
Ti..anyC
says,C
whichC
isC
M
veryC
weirdC
thingC
forC
herC
toC
say,C
becauseC
myC
eyesC
are
brownC
andC
veryC
dull,C
butC
ofC
courseC
IC
turnC
around.C
Im
goingC
toC
giveC
youC
somethingC
thatC
willC
confuseC
you,C
and
maybeC
evenC
makeC
youC
mad.C
IC
dontC
wantC
youC
toC
openC
it
untilC
youC
areC
inC
aC
veryC
relaxedC
mood.C
TonightC
isC
outC
of
the question. Wait aC
few days,C
and when you are feeling
happy,C
openC
thisC
letter.C
SheC
pullsC
aC
whiteC
businesB
envelopeC
outC
ofC
herC
jacketC
pocketC
andC
handsC
itC
toC
me.
PutC
itC
awayC
inC
yourC
pocket,C
sheC
says,C
andC
IC
doC
asC
IC
am
told,C
mostlyC
becauseC
Ti..anyC
looksC
soC
deathlyC
serious.C
I
willC
notC
beC
runningC
withC
youC
untilC
youC
giveC
meC
your
answer.C
IC
willC
leaveC
youC
aloneC
toC
think.C
RegardlessC
of
whatC
youC
decide,C
youC
cannotC
tellC
anyoneC
aboutC
whatC
iB
inside of that envelope. d
nderstand? If you tell anyone
evenC
your therapistIllC
knowC
byC
lookingC
inC
yourC
eyes,
andC
IC
willC
neverC
speakC
toC
youC
again.C
ItsC
bestC
ifC
you
simply follow my directions.<
MyC
heartC
isC
pounding.C
WhatC
isC
Ti..anyC
talkingC
about;
Q
?
All I want to do is open the envelope now#
You have to wait at least forty-eight hours before you
open that. Make sure you are in a good mood when you
readC
theC
letter.C
ThinkC
aboutC
it,C
andC
thenC
giveC
meC
your
answer.C
Remember,C
Pat,C
IC
canC
beC
aC
veryC
valuableC
friend
to you, but you do not want me as an enemy.<
IC
rememberC
theC
storyC
RonnieC
toldC
meC
aboutC
how
Tiffany lost her job, and I begin to feel very afraid#
I Will Have to Require a First-Place Victor^
QuestionJ
numberJ
one,J
myJ
fatherJ
says.J
HowJ
many
touchdowns will McNabb throw against the Saints?e
IJ
canJ
hardlyJ
believeJ
IJ
amJ
actuallyJ
eatingJ
aJ
sit-down
mealJ
withJ
myJ
father.J
MomJ
smilesJ
atJ
meJ
asJ
sheJ
winds
spaghettiJ
aroundJ
herJ
fork.J
SheJ
evenJ
shootsJ
meJ
aJ
wink.
NowJ
dontJ
getJ
meJ
wrong,J
IJ
amJ
happyJ
thatJ
MomsJ
plan
hasJ
workedJ
out,J
andJ
IJ
amJ
delightedJ
toJ
beJ
eatingJ
aJ
meal
withJ
myJ
father,J
havingJ
aJ
conversationJ
evenandJ
IJ
am
especiallyJ
happyJ
toJ
seeJ
myJ
parentsJ
playingJ
withJ
love
againbutJ
I alsoJ
knowJ
myJ
father,J
andJ
IJ
worryJ
thatJ
a
singleJ
EaglesJ
lossJ
willJ
turnJ
DadJ
backJ
intoJ
aJ
grump.J
I
worry for Mom, but decide to ride out the momenti
Ten touchdowns, I tell my fatheri
DadJ
smiles,J
popsJ
aJ
smallJ
sausageJ
intoJ
hisJ
mouth,
chewsJ
enthusiastically,J
andJ
thenJ
tellsJ
myJ
mother,J
PaR
says ten touchdowns.e
Maybe eleven, I add, just to be optimistici
QuestionJ
numberJ
two.J
HowJ
manyJ
touchdownsJ
wilM
eQ
h
undrafted rookie sensation Hank Baskett catch?e
Now,J
IJ
fullyJ
realizeJ
thatJ
BaskettJ
hasJ
onlyJ
caughtJ
one
TDJ
inJ
theJ
..rstJ
..veJ
games,J
butJ
IJ
alsoJ
knowJ
myJ
familyJ
is
being overly optimistic tonight, so I say, Seven.e
Seven? Dad says, but smilingi
Seven.e
HeJ
saysJ
seven,J
Jeanie.J
Seven!J
ToJ
meJ
DadJ
says,
QuestionJ
numberJ
three.J
InJ
whatJ
quarterJ
wilM
quarterbackJ
DrewJ
BreesJ
..nallyJ
su..erJ
aJ
concussion
because he has been sacked so many times by the Eagles
superior defense?e

m. Thats a tough one. The third quarter?e
That is incorrect, myJ
father says,J
shaking hisJ
head in
mockJ
disappointment.J
FirstJ
quarterJ
isJ
theJ
correct
answer.J
QuestionJ
four.J
WhenJ
areJ
youJ
goingJ
toJ
bring
homeJ
thatJ
broadJ
youreJ
alwaysJ
runningJ
with?J
WhenJ
are
you going to introduce your girlfriend to your father?e
WhenJ
DadJ
..nishesJ
askingJ
questionJ
four,J
heJ
slurpsJ
a
loadJ
ofJ
spaghettiJ
intoJ
hisJ
mouthJ
andJ
thenJ
begins
chewing. When I fail to respond, he encourages me with
hisJ
leftJ
hand,J
tracingJ
invisibleJ
circlesJ
withJ
hisJ
index
fingeri
DidJ
youJ
seeJ
thatJ
PatJ
foundJ
hisJ
weddingJ
picturesJ
and
putJ
themJ
backJ
upJ
inJ
theJ
livingJ
room?J
MomJ
says,J
and
her voice sort of quiversi
JakeJ
toldJ
meJ
youJ
wereJ
overJ
Nikki,J
DadJ
says.J
HQ
Q
eeQ
Q
e
said you were into this Tiffany broad. No?e
MayJ
IJ
beJ
excused?J
IJ
askJ
myJ
mother,J
becauseJ
my
little scar is itching, and I feel as though I might explode
if I dont start banging my fist against my foreheadi
WhenJ
myJ
motherJ
nods,J
IJ
seeJ
sympathyJ
inJ
herJ
eyes,
which I appreciatei
I lift for a few hours, until I no longer feel the need to
punch myselfi
InJ
theJ
newJ
re..ectorJ
vestJ
myJ
motherJ
hasJ
recently
bought for me, I run through the nighti
IJ
wasJ
goingJ
toJ
openJ
Ti..anysJ
letterJ
thisJ
evening
becauseJ
IJ
wasJ
soJ
excitedJ
aboutJ
havingJ
dinnerJ
withJ
my
father,J
butJ
nowJ
IJ
knowJ
IJ
amJ
mostJ
de..nitelyJ
notJ
inJ
a
goodJ
mood,J
soJ
openingJ
theJ
letterJ
wouldJ
beJ
aJ
violation
ofJ
theJ
rulesJ
Ti..anyJ
clearlyJ
laidJ
outJ
forJ
meJ
twoJ
nights
ago.J
IJ
almostJ
openedJ
theJ
letterJ
lastJ
night,J
whenJ
IJ
wasJ
in
an excellent mood, but it hadnt been forty-eight hoursi
AsJ
IJ
run,J
IJ
tryJ
toJ
thinkJ
aboutJ
NikkiJ
andJ
theJ
endJ
of
apart time, which always makes me feel better. I pretend
thatJ
GodJ
hasJ
madeJ
aJ
betJ
withJ
meJ
andJ
ifJ
IJ
runJ
fast
enough,J
HeJ
willJ
bringJ
NikkiJ
back,J
soJ
IJ
beginJ
sprinting
theJ
lastJ
twoJ
milesJ
ofJ
myJ
run.J
SoonJ
ImJ
runningJ
soJ
fast,
itsJ
amazingfasterJ
thanJ
anyJ
humanJ
beingJ
hasJ
everJ
run
before.J
InJ
myJ
mindJ
IJ
hearJ
GodJ
tellJ
meJ
IJ
haveJ
toJ
doJ
the
lastJ
mileJ
inJ
underJ
fourJ
minutes,J
whichJ
IJ
knowJ
isJ
almost
impossible,J
butJ
forJ
NikkiJ
IJ
try.J
IJ
runJ
evenJ
faster,J
and
whenJ
IJ
amJ
aJ
blockJ
away,J
IJ
hearJ
GodJ
countingJ
dowa
hQ
hQ
g
fromJ
tenJ
inJ
myJ
mind.J
FivefourthreetwoJ
And
whenJ
myJ
rightJ
footJ
landsJ
onJ
theJ
..rstJ
concreteJ
squareJ
of
myJ
parentsJ
sidewalk,J
GodJ
saysJ
One,J
whichJ
meansJ
I
ranJ
fastJ
enoughthatJ
IJ
madeJ
itJ
homeJ
beforeJ
GodJ
said
Zero. I am so happy. I am so impossibly happyW
MyJ
parentsJ
bedroomJ
doorJ
isJ
closedJ
whenJ
IJ
go
upstairs, so I shower and then slip under my comforter. I
pullJ
Ti..anysJ
envelopeJ
fromJ
underJ
theJ
mattressJ
ofJ
my
bed. I take a deep breath. I open the letter. As I read the
severalJ
typedJ
pages,J
myJ
mindJ
explodesJ
withJ
con..icting
emotions and awful needsi
Patd
ReadJ
thisJ
letterJ
startJ
toJ
..nish!J
DoJ
notJ
makeJ
any
decisionsJ
untilJ
youJ
haveJ
readJ
theJ
entireJ
letter!J
DoJ
not
readJ
thisJ
letterJ
unlessJ
youJ
areJ
alone!J
DoJ
notJ
showJ
this
letterJ
toJ
anyone!J
WhenJ
youJ
haveJ
..nishedJ
readingJ
this
letter, burn itimmediatelyW
DoJ
youJ
everJ
feelJ
likeJ
youreJ
livingJ
inJ
aJ
powderJ
keg
and giving off sparks=
Well,J
thereJ
wasJ
nothingJ
IJ
couldJ
doJ
toJ
bringJ
my
TommyJ
back,J
andJ
theJ
inabilityJ
toJ
acceptJ
hisJ
deathJ
kept
meJ
illJ
forJ
twoJ
wholeJ
yearsbutJ
thenJ
youJ
cameJ
intoJ
my
life.J
Why?J
AtJ
..rstJ
IJ
thought,J
GodJ
isJ
sendingJ
meJ
aJ
new
man,J
aJ
replacementJ
forJ
myJ
Tommy,J
whichJ
madeJ
me
mad,J
becauseJ
TommyJ
isJ
irreplaceableJ
(noJ
o..ense).J
But
whenJ
IJ
listenedJ
toJ
theJ
wayJ
youJ
talkedJ
aboutJ
Nikki,J
I
realized God had sent you to me so I might help you fin8
Q
Q
g
Q
Q
gg
he
the end of apart time. This was to be my mission. And so
I have been working on iti
What?J
IJ
canJ
hearJ
youJ
sayingJ
rightJ
now.J
HowJ
caa
my friend Tiffany end apart time?e
Well, this is the part that might make you madi
Are you ready, Pat? Brace yourselfi
IveJ
beenJ
talkingJ
toJ
yourJ
NikkiJ
onJ
theJ
phone
regularly.J
EveryJ
nightJ
forJ
theJ
pastJ
twoJ
weeks.J
IJ
gotJ
the
phoneJ
numberJ
fromJ
Veronica,J
whothroughJ
Ronnies
conversations with your momhas been providing Nikki
withJ
informationJ
aboutJ
youJ
everJ
sinceJ
youJ
were
permanentlyJ
assignedJ
toJ
thatJ
neuralJ
healthJ
facilityJ
in
Baltimore.J
ItJ
turnsJ
outJ
thatJ
yourJ
familyJ
bannedJ
Nikki
from obtainingJ
information about you, which they could
doJ
becauseJ
NikkiJ
divorcedJ
youJ
soonJ
afterJ
youJ
were
permanentlyJ
admitted.J
IJ
knowJ
thisJ
bitJ
ofJ
newsJ
hasJ
most
likelyJ
upsetJ
youJ
terribly.J
Sorry,J
butJ
itsJ
bestJ
justJ
toJ
state
things plainly at this point. Dont you think=
Okay,J
thisJ
nextJ
partJ
isJ
badJ
too.J
NikkiJ
wasJ
ableJ
to
divorceJ
youJ
becauseJ
youJ
committedJ
aJ
crime,J
whichJ
you
doJ
notJ
remember.J
(IJ
am notJ
goingJ
toJ
tellJ
youJ
whatJ
that
crimeJ
was,J
becauseJ
youJ
haveJ
probablyJ
blockedJ
itJ
from
yourJ
memoryJ
intentionall^
J
mostJ
likely,J
youJ
areJ
notJ
yet
mentallyJ
readyJ
toJ
dealJ
withJ
thisJ
veryJ
frighteningJ
reality.
MyJ
therapistJ
Dr.J
LilyJ
andJ
IJ
theorizeJ
thatJ
youJ
will
remember committing this crime when you are mentally
and emotionally ready.) Nikki was granted a divorce an8
eQ
gee
allJ
yourJ
assets,J
andJ
inJ
exchange,J
someoneJ
elseJ
dropped
all charges against you.J
Of course,J
the deal also sent you
toJ
theJ
badJ
placeJ
inde..nitelyJ
forJ
rehabilitation.J
You
agreedJ
toJ
allJ
ofJ
theJ
aboveJ
atJ
theJ
timeJ
andJ
wereJ
deemed
to be of sound mind by your therapist Dr. Timbers, but
soonJ
afterJ
beingJ
putJ
awayJ
forJ
good,J
youJ
lostJ
your
memory and your marbles as welli
IJ
amJ
notJ
tellingJ
youJ
allJ
ofJ
thisJ
toJ
beJ
meanquiteJ
the
contrary.J
Remember,J
GodJ
putJ
meJ
inJ
chargeJ
ofJ
helping
youJ
endJ
apartJ
time.J
ItJ
turnsJ
outJ
NikkiJ
hasJ
wantedJ
to
communicateJ
withJ
youJ
veryJ
much.J
SheJ
missesJ
you.J
This
isJ
notJ
toJ
sayJ
sheJ
wantsJ
toJ
marryJ
youJ
allJ
overJ
again.J
I
wantJ
toJ
beJ
clearJ
aboutJ
this.J
SheJ
stillJ
remembersJ
what
youJ
didtheJ
crimeJ
youJ
committed.J
AndJ
sheJ
isJ
aJ
little
afraidJ
ofJ
youJ
asJ
well,J
asJ
sheJ
fearsJ
youJ
mightJ
beJ
madJ
at
her and want to retaliate. But she was married to you for
yearsJ
andJ
sheJ
wantsJ
toJ
seeJ
youJ
well,J
andJ
maybeJ
even
becomeJ
friendsJ
again.J
IJ
haveJ
reportedJ
yourJ
desireJ
to
reconcileJ
withJ
Nikki.J
ToJ
beJ
honest,J
yourJ
desireJ
isJ
much
strongerJ
thanJ
hers.J
ButJ
youJ
neverJ
knowJ
whatJ
might
happen if you begin to communicate againi
TwoJ
problems:J
One.J
AfterJ
youJ
committedJ
thatJ
crime,
NikkiJ
tookJ
outJ
aJ
restrainingJ
orderJ
againstJ
you,J
so
technicallyJ
itJ
isJ
illegalJ
forJ
youJ
toJ
contactJ
her.J
Two.J
Your
parentsonJ
yourJ
behalf,J
andJ
probablyJ
inJ
retaliation
tookJ
outJ
aJ
restrainingJ
orderJ
againstJ
Nikki,J
claimingJ
any
contactJ
sheJ
madeJ
couldJ
jeopardizeJ
yourJ
mentalJ
health.
SoJ
itJ
isJ
alsoJ
illegalJ
forJ
herJ
toJ
contactJ
you.J
EvenJ
stilld
e;
hQ
e
NikkiJ
wouldJ
likeJ
to communicateJ
withJ
you,J
ifJ
onlyJ
to
smoothJ
overJ
whatJ
happened.J
HerJ
guiltJ
isJ
glaring.J
She
walkedJ
awayJ
withJ
allJ
yourJ
assets,J
andJ
youJ
hadJ
toJ
spend
years in a mental institution, right=
So.J
ComingJ
toJ
theJ
point.J
IJ
amJ
o..eringJ
myselfJ
asJ
a
liaison.J
TheJ
twoJ
ofJ
youJ
canJ
communicateJ
throughJ
me,
andJ
thereJ
willJ
beJ
noJ
trouble.J
YouJ
willJ
beJ
ableJ
toJ
write
NikkiJ
lettersoneJ
everyJ
twoJ
weeks.J
IJ
willJ
readJ
these
lettersJ
toJ
NikkiJ
overJ
theJ
phone.J
SheJ
willJ
beJ
ableJ
to
dictate her responses to me, again over the phone, which
IJ
willJ
typeJ
upJ
onJ
myJ
laptop,J
printJ
out,J
andJ
presentJ
to
youi
Pat,J
weJ
areJ
friends,J
andJ
IJ
valueJ
ourJ
friendshipJ
very
much.J
ThatJ
havingJ
beenJ
said,J
youJ
mustJ
appreciateJ
that
what I am o..ering puts me in a very precarious position.
IfJ
youJ
decideJ
toJ
takeJ
meJ
upJ
onJ
myJ
o..er,J
IJ
wouldJ
be
puttingJ
myselfJ
atJ
riskJ
legally,J
andJ
alsoJ
IJ
wouldJ
be
jeopardizingJ
ourJ
friendship.J
IJ
needJ
toJ
informJ
youJ
thatJ
I
willJ
notJ
beJ
yourJ
liaisonJ
forJ
free,J
butJ
amJ
o..eringJ
youJ
a
tradei
What do I want=
Remember when I said I was scouting you=
Well, I want to win this years Dance Away Depression
competition,J
andJ
IJ
needJ
aJ
strongJ
manJ
toJ
doJ
it.J
WhatJ
is
DanceJ
AwayJ
Depression?J
IJ
hearJ
youJ
asking.J
WellitJ
is
anJ
annualJ
competitionJ
organizedJ
byJ
theJ
Philadelphia
PsychiatricJ
AssociationJ
thatJ
allowsJ
womenJ
diagnose8
Pg
g
ege
withJ
clinicalJ
depressionJ
toJ
transformJ
theirJ
despairJ
into
movement. The sole focus is supposed to be diminishing
depressionJ
throughJ
useJ
ofJ
theJ
body,J
butJ
judgesJ
awardJ
a
wreath of ..owers to the second-best dance routine and a
goldenJ
trophyJ
toJ
theJ
..rst-placeJ
danceJ
routine.J
Dancing
solo,J
IJ
haveJ
wonJ
thatJ
fuckingJ
wreathJ
twoJ
yearsJ
straight,
andJ
thisJ
yearJ
IJ
wantJ
toJ
winJ
theJ
goldenJ
trophy.J
ThisJ
is
where you ..gure in,J
Pat. GodJ
sent me the strongest man
I have ever met in my entire lifQ
tell me this isnt divine
intervention.J
OnlyJ
aJ
manJ
withJ
yourJ
musclesJ
could
perform the type of lifts I have in mindaward-winning
lifts, Pat. The competition will be held at the Plaza Hotel
inJ
centerJ
city,J
onJ
aJ
SaturdayJ
nightNovemberJ
11th.
WhichJ
givesJ
usJ
justJ
underJ
aJ
monthJ
toJ
practice.J
IJ
know
theJ
routineJ
already,J
butJ
youllJ
beJ
startingJ
fromJ
scratch,
and we both will have to practice the lifts. This will take
a lot of timei
IJ
toldJ
NikkiJ
aboutJ
myJ
conditions,J
andJ
sheJ
wantsJ
to
encourageJ
youJ
toJ
beJ
myJ
danceJ
partner.J
SheJ
saysJ
you
needJ
toJ
broadenJ
yourJ
interests,J
andJ
thatJ
sheJ
hadJ
always
wantedJ
toJ
takeJ
danceJ
lessonsJ
withJ
you.J
SoJ
itJ
isJ
more
than okay with heW
she encourages you to do thisi
Also,J
ImJ
afraidJ
IJ
willJ
haveJ
toJ
requireJ
aJ
..rst-place
victory in exchange for being your liaison. Lucky for you,
theJ
routineJ
IJ
haveJ
choreographedJ
isJ
..rst-rate.J
ButJ
in
orderJ
toJ
win,J
youJ
willJ
haveJ
toJ
immerseJ
yourselfJ
in
dance. Below are the non-negotiable conditionsi
Should you decide to be my dance partner, you will'
1.J
GiveJ
upJ
EaglesJ
footballJ
forJ
theJ
durationJ
ofJ
our
training. No going to games. No watching games on
television.J
NoJ
discussingJ
EaglesJ
footballJ
with
anyone.J
NoJ
readingJ
theJ
sportsJ
pages.J
YouJ
mayJ
not
even wear your beloved Baskett jerseyi
2.J
EndJ
yourJ
weightJ
trainingJ
byJ
twoJ
oclockJ
each
afternoon, at which point we will go for a five-mile
run, after which we will rehearse from 4:15 p.m. to
11:00J
p.m.J
onJ
weekdays.J
OnJ
weekendsJ
weJ
will
rehearseJ
fromJ
1:00J
p.m.J
toJ
10:00J
p.m.J
NS
exceptionsi
3.J
MakeJ
sureJ
atJ
leastJ
15J
ofJ
yourJ
friendsJ
andJ
relatives
attendJ
theJ
danceJ
recital,J
becauseJ
theJ
judgesJ
are
often swayed by applausei
4.J
Do whatever I say without asking any questionsi
5.J
Assure I win the competitioni
6.J
MOSTJ
IMPORTANTLY:J
TellJ
noJ
oneJ
aboutJ
our
arrangement.J
YouJ
canJ
tellJ
peopleJ
youJ
areJ
training
forJ
aJ
danceJ
competition, butJ
youJ
cannotJ
tell
anyoneJ
aboutJ
myJ
demandsJ
andJ
myJ
contacting
Nikki on your behalfnever everi
Should you meet all six demands, I will act as a liaison
between Nikki and yoV
I will attempt to end apart time,
and then who knows what will happen between you and
your ex-wife. If you fail to meet my demands, I am afraid
you might never talk to Nikki again. She says this is youW
gg
Q
Q
;
hQ
h
only shoti
Contact me within 24 hours with your decision. Reread
myJ
listJ
ofJ
demands,J
memorizeJ
each,J
andJ
thenJ
burnJ
this
letteri
Remember,J
ifJ
youJ
wantJ
meJ
toJ
beJ
yourJ
liaison,J
tellJ
no
one I am in contact with Nikkii
With best intentionsd
Tiffan^
IJ
rereadJ
theJ
letterJ
overJ
andJ
overJ
allJ
night.J
PartsJ
IJ
doJ
not
wantJ
toJ
believeJ
areJ
trueespeciallyJ
theJ
partsJ
aboutJ
my
committingJ
aJ
crimeJ
andJ
NikkiJ
divorcingJ
me,J
whichJ
are
ideas that make me feel like smashing my ..st against my
forehead.J
WhatJ
typeJ
ofJ
crimeJ
wouldJ
putJ
meJ
inJ
suchJ
a
situation,J
andJ
whoJ
wouldJ
dropJ
chargesJ
whenJ
IJ
checked
myselfJ
intoJ
aJ
neuralJ
healthJ
facility?J
IJ
canJ
understand
NikkisJ
divorcingJ
meJ
becauseJ
IJ
wasJ
aJ
badJ
husband,
especially because, well, I was a bad husband. But I have
aJ
hardJ
timeJ
believingJ
IJ
actuallyJ
committedJ
aJ
crimeJ
that
couldJ
resultJ
inJ
suchJ
drasticJ
legalJ
measures.J
AndJ
yet
Ti..anysJ
letterJ
seemsJ
toJ
explainJ
soJ
muchmyJ
mothers
takingJ
downJ
myJ
weddingJ
pictures,J
allJ
theJ
awfulJ
things
JakeJ
andJ
DadJ
saidJ
aboutJ
Nikki.J
IfJ
IJ
amJ
reallyJ
divorced,
everythingJ
myJ
familyJ
hasJ
doneJ
toJ
keepJ
NikkiJ
outJ
ofJ
my
memoryJ
wouldJ
haveJ
beenJ
forJ
myJ
protection,J
especially
sinceJ
theyJ
areJ
notJ
optimisticJ
enoughJ
toJ
realizeJ
thatJ
IJ
am
not dead and therefore still have at least a shot at gettin;
Q
hQ
Q
Q
g
Q
Q
g
gQ
g
NikkiJ
back,J
whichJ
IJ
dontJ
haveJ
toJ
tellJ
youJ
isJ
theJ
silver
lining to the letteri
Of course, I cannot be sure about anything, since I have
noJ
memoryJ
ofJ
theJ
pastJ
fewJ
years.J
MaybeJ
Ti..anyJ
made
upJ
theJ
storyJ
justJ
toJ
getJ
meJ
toJ
performJ
inJ
herJ
dance
competition.J
ThisJ
isJ
possible.J
IJ
certainlyJ
wouldJ
notJ
have
volunteeredJ
toJ
beJ
herJ
partner,J
evenJ
ifJ
IJ
amJ
practicing
beingJ
kindJ
now.J
IJ
realizeJ
thatJ
Ti..anysJ
letterJ
mightJ
beJ
a
trick,J
butJ
theJ
possibilityJ
ofJ
communicatingJ
withJ
NikkiJ
is
tooJ
goodJ
toJ
chanceasJ
itJ
mayJ
beJ
my lastJ
opportunity.
Also,J
Ti..anysJ
mentioningJ
GodsJ
willJ
seemsJ
toJ
suggest
thatJ
sheJ
understandsJ
whatJ
apartJ
timeJ
isJ
allJ
about.J
It
makesJ
senseJ
thatJ
NikkiJ
wouldJ
wantJ
meJ
toJ
takeJ
dancing
lessons.J
SheJ
alwaysJ
wantedJ
meJ
toJ
danceJ
withJ
her,J
butJ
I
neverJ
did.J
TheJ
thoughtJ
ofJ
dancingJ
withJ
NikkiJ
inJ
the
futureJ
isJ
enoughJ
toJ
makeJ
meJ
acceptJ
thatJ
IJ
willJ
be
missingJ
theJ
threeJ
EaglesJ
gamesJ
beforeJ
theJ
byeJ
week,
includingJ
theJ
homeJ
gameJ
againstJ
Jacksonville.J
IJ
think
aboutJ
howJ
angryJ
thisJ
willJ
makeJ
myJ
father,J
Jake,J
and
maybeJ
evenJ
Cli..,J
butJ
thenJ
IJ
thinkJ
aboutJ
theJ
possibility
ofJ
..nallyJ
livingJ
outJ
theJ
happyJ
endingJ
toJ
myJ
movie
getting Nikki backand the choice is obviousi
WhenJ
theJ
sunJ
comesJ
up,J
IJ
openJ
theJ
windowJ
inJ
the
downstairs bathroom, burn the letter over theJ
toilet, and
..ushJ
theJ
charredJ
remains.J
Next,J
IJ
runJ
acrossJ
Knights
Park,J
jogJ
aroundJ
theJ
WebstersJ
house,J
andJ
knockJ
on
Ti..anysJ
door.J
SheJ
answersJ
inJ
aJ
redJ
silkJ
nightgown,
squinting at me. Well?e
When do we start training? I aski
AreJ
youJ
readyJ
toJ
commitJ
fully?J
ReadyJ
toJ
giveJ
u>
every-thingeven Eagles football?e
IJ
nodJ
eagerly.J
OnlyJ
IJ
cantJ
missJ
myJ
therapyJ
sessions
on Fridays, because some judge will send me back to the
badJ
placeJ
ifJ
IJ
do,J
andJ
thenJ
weJ
wontJ
beJ
ableJ
toJ
winJ
the
competition.e
IllJ
beJ
outsideJ
yourJ
houseJ
tomorrowJ
atJ
twoJ
oclock,
Tiffany says, and then shuts the doori
TheJ
..rstJ
..oorJ
ofJ
Ti..anysJ
in-lawJ
suiteJ
isJ
aJ
dance
studio.J
AllJ
fourJ
wallsJ
areJ
completelyJ
coveredJ
byJ
full-
lengthJ
mirrors,J
andJ
threeJ
haveJ
railingsJ
likeJ
youJ
see
ballerinasJ
using.J
TheJ
..oorJ
isJ
hardwood,J
likeJ
aJ
pro-
basketball court, only without any painted lines and with
aJ
lighterJ
varnish.J
TheJ
ceilingJ
isJ
high,J
maybeJ
thirtyJ
feet
tall, and a spiral staircase in the corner leads to Ti..anys
apartmenti
IJ
hadJ
thisJ
builtJ
whenJ
TommyJ
died,J
Ti..anyJ
says.J
I
used the insurance money. Do you like my studio?e
I nodi
Good,J
becauseJ
itsJ
goingJ
toJ
beJ
homeJ
forJ
theJ
next
month. Did you bring your photograph?e
IJ
openJ
theJ
bagJ
thatJ
Ti..anyJ
instructedJ
meJ
toJ
bringJ
and
pull out my framed picture of NikkL
I show it to Ti..any,
andJ
thenJ
sheJ
walksJ
overJ
toJ
theJ
stereoJ
systemJ
behindJ
thQ
hQ
hQ
Q
hQ
Q
Q
Q
eg
he
spiralJ
staircase.J
FromJ
anJ
ironJ
hookJ
onJ
theJ
wallJ
she
removes a pair of headphonesthe kind that cover your
entire ears like earmu..sand brings them to me. A very
long cord is attachedi
Sit, she says. I drop to the ..oor and sitJ
with my legs
crossed.J
ImJ
goingJ
toJ
playJ
ourJ
song,J
theJ
oneJ
weJ
are
goingJ
toJ
danceJ
to.J
ItsJ
importantJ
thatJ
youJ
feelJ
aJ
deep
connectionJ
withJ
thisJ
song.J
ItJ
needsJ
toJ
moveJ
youJ
ifJ
its
goingJ
toJ
..owJ
throughJ
yourJ
body.J
IveJ
pickedJ
thisJ
song
for a reason. Its perfect for both of us, which youll soon
see.J
WhenJ
IJ
putJ
theJ
headphonesJ
onJ
you,J
IJ
wantJ
youJ
to
stareJ
intoJ
NikkisJ
eyes.J
IJ
wantJ
youJ
toJ
feelJ
theJ
song.

nderstand?e
ItsJ
notJ
aJ
songJ
playedJ
byJ
aJ
sopranoJ
saxophonist,J
is
it? I ask, because Kenny G is my nemesis, as you knowi
No, she says, and then places the headphones on my
ears. My ears are enveloped in the padding. Wearing the
head>
hones makesJ
meJ
feelJ
asJ
ifJ
IJ
amJ
aloneJ
inJ
thisJ
large
room,J
evenJ
thoughJ
ifJ
IJ
lookJ
up,J
Ti..anyJ
willJ
beJ
there.
WithJ
theJ
frameJ
inJ
myJ
hands,J
IJ
stareJ
intoJ
NikkisJ
eyes,
and soon the song begins to playi
Piano notesslow and sadi
Two voices taking turns singingi
Paini
I know the songi
Tiffany was right. It is the perfect song for both of usi
hg
g
TheJ
songJ
builds,J
theJ
voicesJ
becomeJ
moreJ
emotional,
and everything inside of my chest starts to hurti
The words express exactlyJ
what IJ
have felt since I was
released from the bad placei
AndJ
byJ
theJ
chorus,J
IJ
amJ
sobbing,J
becauseJ
theJ
woman
singingJ
seemsJ
toJ
feelJ
exactlyJ
whatJ
IJ
amJ
feeling,J
andJ
her
words, and her emotion, and her voice .
TheJ
songJ
endsJ
withJ
theJ
sameJ
sadJ
pianoJ
notesJ
that
began the number. I look up and realize that Ti..any has
been watching me cry, and I begin to feel embarrassed. I
setJ
myJ
photoJ
ofJ
NikkiJ
downJ
onJ
theJ
..oorJ
andJ
coverJ
my
face with my hands. Im sorry. Just give me a second.e
ItsJ
goodJ
thatJ
theJ
songJ
makesJ
youJ
cry,J
Pat.J
NowJ
we
just have to transformJ
those tearsJ
into motion.J
You need
to cry through your dancing?
nderstand?e
I do not understand, but I nod anywayi
My Movies MontagS
Explaining how I learned Ti..anys routine and became
an excellent Wdancer would be Wdi..cultmostly becauseW
our Wrehearsals Ware Wlong Wand Wgrueling Wand Wextremely
boring. We do the same little things over and over again
endlessly. For example, if I had to lift a ..nger in the air
for the routine, Ti..any would make me do it a thousand
times every single day until I could do it to her liking on
command. So I will spare you most of the boring details.
To Wmake Wthings Weven Wmore Wcomplicated, WTi..any WhasW
forbidden Wme Wto Wdocument Wour Wrehearsals Win Wany
thorough Wmanner Wthat Wwould Wallow Wothers Wto Wsteal Wher
training Wtechniques. WAs Wshe Wwants Wto Wopen Wup Wa WstudioW
someday, Wshe Wis Wvery Wguarded Wabout Wher Wmethodsand
her choreography too.WLuckily, as I am starting to write this part, I remember
that in every one of his ..lms, whenever Rocky needs to
become Wa Wbetter Wboxer, Wthey Wshow Wclips Wof Whim WdoingW
one-arm push-ups, running on the beach, punching slabs
of meat, running the stairs of the art museum, gazing atW
Adrian lovingly, or being yelled at by Mickey or Apollo
Creed Wor Weven WPaulieall Wwhile Whis Wtheme Wsong Wplays,
which is perhaps the greatest song in the world, Gonna
Fly WNow. WIn Wthe WRocky Wmovies, Wit Wonly Wtakes Wa Wfew
minutes to cover weeks of training, and yet the audience
still understands that a lot of preparation went into theW
actual development of Rockys boxing skills, even though
we Wonly Wget Wto Wsee Wa Wfew Wclips Wof Wthe WItalian WStallionWworking hard.W
During a therapy session, I ask Cli.. what this movietechnique is called. He has
to call his wife, Sonja, on his
cell phone, but she knows the answer and tells us that
what I am trying to describe is called a montage. So that
is Wwhat WI Wam Wnow Wgoing Wto Wcreate Wbelow, Wmy Wmovies
montage. Maybe youll want to play Gonna Fly Now
on your CD player, if you have a copy handyor you
could Wput Won Wany Wsong Wyou W..nd Winspiringand WreadW
along Wto Wthe Wmusic. WMusic Wis Wnot Wrequired, Whowever.W
Okay, here it is, my montage:WIn anticipation of our big performance, Im runningW
a little faster with Ti..any every day. We push ourselves,
and when we get to the park, we sprint the last mile to
her house and get really sweaty. I always beat Ti..any,W
because WI Wam Wa Wman, Wyes, Wbut Walso Wbecause WI Wam WanW
excellent runner.WSee me pumping iron: bench press, leg lifts, sit-ups
on the Stomach Master 6000, bike riding, squats, knuckleW
l
push-ups, curlsthe works.WCrawl! WTi..any Wyells. WSo WI Wcrawl Won WtheW
hardwood W..oor Wof Wher Wdance Wstudio. WCrawl Wlike Wyou
have no legs and you havent eaten for two weeks andW
theres Wa Wsingle Wapple Win Wthe Wmiddle Wof Wthe Wroom Wand
another Wman Wwith Wno Wlegs Wis Walso Wcrawling Wtoward the
apple. You want to crawl faster, but you cannot, because
you are maimed. Desperation ..ows out of your face like
sweat! You are so afraid you will not get to the apple
before the other legless man! He will not share the apple
withno, no, no. Stop! Youre doing it all wrong! JesusW
Christ, Pat! We only have four weeks left!WJeanie, I hear my father say. He is in t
he kitchenW
eating Whis Wbreakfast. WI Wam Won Wthe Wbasement WstairsW
listening. WWhy Wdoes WPat close his eyes Wand Whum Wevery
time WI Wmention Wthe WEagles? WIs Whe Wgoing Wcrazy Wagain?W
Should I be concerned?WWhats Wthis WI hear Wabout Wyou Wmissing Wthe WSaintsW
game? Jake says through the telephone when I call him
back sometime after 11:00 p.m. He has called two nights
in Wa Wrow, Wand Wthe Wnote Wmy Wmother Wleft Wfor Wme Won Wmy
pillow Wread Call your brother back no matter how late.
IMPORTANT. Dont you want to see what Baskett doesW
this week? Why are you humming?WWhen you are Wa Wdancer, Wyou Ware Wallowed Wto Wp
utW
your hands anywhere on your partners body, Pat. Its notW
wW
sexual. So when you do this ..rst lift, yes, your hands will
be cradling my ass and crotch. Why are you pacing? Pat,
its not sexualits modern dance.WSee me pumping iron: bench press, leg lifts, sit-ups
on the Stomach Master 6000, bike riding, knuckle push-
ups, curlsthe works.WIm Okay, Pat. Im Wfucking W..ne. WYoure Wgoing WtoW
drop me a few times while were learning the lifts, but
its not because youre not strong enough. You need toW
center your palm directly at the base of my crotch. If you
need me to get more speci..c, I will. Here. Ill show you.
Put out your hand.WYour mother tells me you will not discuss EaglesW
football with yourwhy are you humming? Cli.. asks.
I Wdid Wnot Wmention Wthat Wcertain Wsaxophonists Wname.
hats this all about?WI never thought I would Wsay this, Wbut maybe you
should consider taking a break from your dance training
and Wwatch Wthe Wgame Wwith WJake Wand Wyour Wdad, WmyW
mother Wsays. WYou Wknow WI Whate Wfootball, Wbut Wyou Wand
your father seemed to be making a connection, and JakeW
and you are just getting back to being brotherly again.
Pat, please stop humming.WFor the second lift you need to look up at me, Pat.
Especially just before I go into the flip. You dont have to
look at my crotch, but you have to be ready to push upW
lWv
so Ill get more height. If you dont give me a push when
I bend my knees, I wont be able to complete the ..ip
and will probably crack my head open on the floor.WI know you can hear me through
the humming, Pat.W
Look at you! my father says. Curled up in your bed,
humming like a child. Birds lose by a ..eld goal in New
Orleans, Wand Wyour Wboy WBaskett Whad Wzero Wcatches. WZilch.
Dont think your dancing through the game didnt a..ect
the outcome.WYou look like a retarded snake! You are supposed toW
crawl with your armsnot slither or wiggle or whatever
the fuck you are doing down there. Here. Watch me.W
In Wanticipation Wof Wour Wbig Wperformance, WIm Wrunning WaW
little Wfaster with Ti..any Wevery Wday. We push Wourselves,W
and when we get to the park, we sprint the last mile to
her house and get really sweaty. I always beat Ti..any,W
because WI Wam Wa Wman, Wyes, Wbut Walso Wbecause WI Wam WanW
excellent runner.WWhats Ti..any holding over you? Ronnie says.
e are in my parents basement. I have already spotted
him as he benched one wimpy sixty-pound rep, and now
he is taking a break. This is a surprise visit disguised to
look like a prework lifting session. I told you to protect
yourself. Im telling you, Pat, you dont know what thatW
woman Wis Wcapable Wof. WMy Wsister-in-law Wis Wcapable WofW
wWlW-W-lWwWl
anything. Anything!WYoure Wmaking Wthe Wsun Wwith Wyour Warms. WIn WtheW
center of the stage, you represent the sun. And when youW
make the huge circle with your arms, it has to be slow
and deliberatejust like the sun. The dance is one days
worth of sun. You are going to rise and set all onstage
to the flow of our song. Understand?WI Wwant Wyou Wto Wtalk Wto WTi..any Wand Wtel
l Wher WitsW
important for you to watch the Eagles game with yourW
father, WMom Wsays. WPlease Wstop Whumming, WPat. WPlease,
just stop humming!WThe second lift is the hardest by far, as it requiresW
you Wto Wgo Wfrom Wa Wsquatting Wposition Wto Wa WstandingW
position with me standing on your hands, which will be
just Wabove Wyour Wshoulders. WDo Wyou Wthink Wyoure Wstrong
enough to do this, because we can do something else if
you are too weak, but lets try it now and well just see.W
Why Wis Wthis Wdance Wcompetition Wso Wimportant Wto Wyou?
Cli.. asks me. I look up at the sun painted on the ceiling
of his office and smile. What? he says.WThe dancing lets me be that, I say, and poin
t up.WCliffs eyes follow my finger. It lets you be the sun?WYes, I say, and smile aga
in at Cli.., because I really
like being the sun, exactly what allows clouds to have aW
]
[
]
_
l]
_
]
v
silver lining. Also, being the sun is what will provide me
with the opportunity to write letters to Nikki
Please stop humming into the phone, Pat. Im oV
your side here. I understand wanting to learn an art for a
woman.O
DontO
youO
rememberO
myO
playingO
theO
pianoO
for
you?O
ButO
theO
di..erenceO
isO
thatO
CaitlinO
wouldO
neverO
ask
me to miss an Eagles game, because she knows its more
than just football to me. I can hear you fucking humming
throughO
theO
phone,O
Pat,O
butO
ImO
justO
goingO
toO
keep
talking,O
allO
right?O
YoureO
actingO
crazy,O
youO
know.O
AndO
if
theO
EaglesO
loseO
tomorrowO
againstO
theO
Buccaneers,O
DadO
is
going to think you cursed the Birds.x
Okay,O
youO
knowO
yourO
routineroughly,O
anyway.
So now I want you to watch mine. Ill sayO
lift when its
time for one of your lifts, just so you know when theyre
coming. But dont worry, because as long as you do your
routine, Ill make sure we link up with the lifts. Okay?x
Ti..anyO
isO
inO
tightsO
andO
aO
T-shirtO
likeO
everyO
otherO
day,
butO
sheO
transformsO
herO
faceO
justO
beforeO
sheO
pushes play
on the CD player. So solemn. Those sad piano notes and
thoseO
twoO
duelingO
voicesO
..llO
theO
room,O
andO
Ti..any
begins to dance beautifully but sadly. Her body moves so
gracefully, and it is only now that I understand what she
meansO
byO
cryingO
throughO
movement.O
SheO
jumps,O
she
rolls,O
sheO
spins,O
sheO
runs,O
sheO
slides.O
SheO
yellsO
Lift!O
and
then fallsO
toO
theO
..oorO
dead,O
onlyO
toO
explodeO
upwardO
in
resurrectionO
whenO
theO
musicO
picksO
upO
again.O
AndO
hea
wW
dancing is one of the most beautiful things I have ever
seen. I could watch her dance for the rest of my life, and
strangely, watching Ti..any soar around the dance ..oor
makes me feel like I am ..oating over waves with babyW
Emily. Tiffany is that good
Your father has Wstopped Weating Wdinner Wwith Wme"
Pat. Hes not taking walks with me either. Ever since the
Eagles Wlost Wto Wthe WBuccaneers, Whes Wback Wto WhisPat,W
please stop humming. Pat!WIn anticipation of our big performance, Im runningW
a little faster with Ti..any every day. We push ourselves,
and when we get to the park, we sprint the last mile to
her house and get really sweaty. I always beat Ti..any,W
because WI Wam Wa Wman, Wyes, Wbut Walso Wbecause WI Wam WanW
excellent runner.WI dont think you understand how much this meansW
to my sister, Veronica says, and I am shocked to see herW
and baby Emily in my basement gym. Do you know that
since Tommy passed, she has never asked her family to
see Wher Wdance? WIn Wfact, Wfor Wtwo Wyears Wshes Wbanned WusW
from Wattending Wany Wof Wher Wperformances. WBut Wthis Wyear
she thinks she is going to perform ..awlessly enough to
invite her familyshes convinced, in factand while IW
am Wglad to Wsee her so Whappy, Im Wafraid Wto even WthinkW
about Wwhat Wshe Wmight Wdo Wif Wyou Wguys Wscrew Wup WtheW
performance. WShes Wnot Wa Wstable Wperson, WPat. WYou Wdo
understand Wthat, Wright? WYou Wdo Wunderstand Wthat WyourW
?
performingO
poorlyO
willO
resultO
inO
monthsO
ofO
serious
depression?O
SoO
IO
needO
toO
askO
youO
howO
areO
theO
rehearsals
really going? Do you truly think you can win? Do you?x
BeforeO
IO
turnO
o..O
theO
lights,O
IO
stareO
intoO
framed-picture
NikkisO
eyes.O
IO
seeO
herO
freckledO
nose,O
herO
strawberry
blond hair, her full lips. I kiss her so many times. Soon,
IO
say.O
ImO
doingO
everythingO
IO
can.O
IO
wontO
letO
youO
down.
RememberForevers gonna start tonight.x
See me pumpingO
iron:O
benchO
press,O
legO
lifts,O
sit-ups
onO
theO
StomachO
MasterO
6000,O
bikeO
riding,O
knuckleO
push-
ups, curlsthe works
TheO
AsianO
InvasionO
willO
pickO
youO
upO
atO
Cli..
nodsO
atO
meO
andO
smiles.O
Ah,O
theO
hummingO
again.O
Your
motherO
tellsO
meO
youO
wontO
talkO
toO
anyoneO
aboutO
Eagles
football,O
butO
youO
arentO
seriouslyO
goingO
toO
missO
aO
home
game, are you?x
The most important thing is to make the lifts look
e..ortless, as if you are holding up air. I should appear to
beO
..oating.O
U
nderstand?O
Good,O
becauseO
IO
needO
youO
tP
stopO
shakingO
duringO
theO
routine,O
Pat.O
YouO
lookO
likeO
you
have fucking Parkinsons disease, for Christs sake.x
HowO
doesO
aO
four-and-oneO
teamO
loseO
threeO
games
straight?O
DadO
yellsO
downO
fromO
theO
topO
ofO
theO
basement
steps.O
AO
teamO
thatO
beatO
theO
DallasO
CowboysO
handily?O
n
DWllWwWlW?
team with a ..rst-ranked o..ense and more sacks than any
other Wteam Win Wthe Wleague? WYou Wcan Whum Wall Wyou Wwant,W
Pat. But that dont change the fact that you took the good
luck away from the Birds and are ruining our season!WSee me pumping iron: bench p
ress, leg lifts, sit-ups
on the Stomach Master 6000, bike riding, knuckle push-
ups, curlsthe works.W
Okay. Not bad. WYou Wgot Wthe Wcrawling Wdown, Wand
one of the lifts doesnt look awful anymore. But we only
have a week left. Can we do this? Can we do this?WI bought you a present, Ti..any t
ells me. Go intothe powder room and try it on.W
In her studios washroom, I remove a pair of yellowtights Wfrom Wa Wplastic Wbag.
WWhats Wthis? WI Wcall Wout WtoW
Tiffany.WIts Wyour Wout..t. WPut Wit Won, Wand Wwell Whave Wa WdressW
rehearsal.W
Wheres the shirt?WAgain, Tiffany says, even though it is 10:41 p.m.
and my elbows feel as though they might explode. I am
dancing on raw nerves. I am dancing on bone. Again!WEleven ..fty-nine p.m. WAgain, W
Ti..any Wsays, WandW
then Wtakes Wher Wplace Wat Wthe Wleft Wside Wof Wthe Wstudio.W
lWl
Knowing that arguing is no use, I drop to the ..oor and
prepare to crawl.WThis might tickle Wsome, WTi..any Wsays Wjust Wbefore
she slides her pink lady razor through the shaving cream
coating my chest, and then she shows me how much hairW
is in the teacup she rinses the blade in. I am lying on a
yoga mat in the middle of her dance studio. My chest is
covered Wwith Wsome Wsort Wof Wgreen Waloe Wshaving Wgel WthatW
turns Wwhite Wwhen Wyou Wmake Wfoam. WBeing Wshaved Wby
Ti..any Wsort Wof Wmakes Wme Wfeel Wstrange, Was WI Whave Wnever
been shaved by a woman before and have never had my
torso shaved at all. When she lathers me up, I close my
eyes, and my fingers and toes tingle wildly.WI sort of giggle each time she shav
es a line of hair o..
my chest.WI sort of giggle each time she shaves a line of hair o..
my back.WWe want those muscles to gleam like the sun onstage,
right?WWhy cant I just wear a shirt? I say, even thoughinW
a Wweird Wsort Wof WwayI Wsecretly Wenjoy Wbeing Wshaved WbyW
Tiffany.WDoes the sun wear a shirt?WThe sun does not wear yellow tights either, bu
t I doW
not say so.WIn anticipation of our big performance, Im runningW
a little faster with Ti..any every day. We push ourselves,
and when we get to the park, we sprint the last mile to
her house and get really sweaty. I always beat Ti..any,W
because WI Wam Wa Wman, Wyes, Wbut Walso Wbecause WI Wam WanW
excellent runner.WTwo days before the competition, just before we are
about Wto Wperform Wthe Wroutine Wfor Wthe Wtwenty-..fth Wtime
that daytwenty-..ve being Ti..anys favorite number
she says, We need to do this flawlessly.W
So I try my best, and as I watch bits of our routine inWthe Wmirrors Wthat Wsurr
ound Wus, WI Wthink, We Wreally WareW
dancing W..awlessly! WI Wam Wso Wexcited Wwhen Wwe W..nish,W
because I know we will winespecially since we haveW
improved Wourselves Wso Wmuch Wwith Wsacri..ce Wand WhardW
training. This mini-movie will have a happy ending forW
sure!WBut something about Ti..anys demeanor is o.. as weW
take our water break. She is not yelling at me, nor is sheusing the f-word, so I
ask, Whats wrong?W
How Wmany Wpeople Wdid Wyou Wrecruit Wto Wcome Wto Wthecompetition?W
I asked everyone I know.W
Veronica Wtells Wme Wyour Wfamily Wis Wmad Wat Wyou Wfor
abandoning the Eagles.W
Not my mom.W
Im worried that if we dont get enough fans there toW
cheer Wfor Wus, Wthe Wjudges Wmight Wbe Wswayed Wby Wanother
dancers larger fan base. We might not win, and then IW
would not be able to act as your liaison, Pat.WMaybe Wif Wyou Ware Wnot Wdoing Wan
ything WtomorrowW
night, you might want to bring your wife and children to
my dance recital, I tell Cli... Weve really got a good
routine, and I think we can win if only we have enough
audience Wsupport, Wand WI Wdont Wthink Wthat Wmy Wfather WorW
brother will be likely to show up, soWAfter tomorrow night, youll be done with these
longW
rehearsals?WYeah.WSo you will be able to go to the Redskins game onWHmmmmmm.WJust tel
this, if I go to the dance recital, will youW
go Wto Wthe WEagles Wgame Wwith Wus Won WSunday? WThe WAsian
Invasion misses you, and truthfully, we sort of feel like
youve Wcursed Wthe WEagles Wby Wabandoning Wthem Wmid-
season. Poor Baskett has only caught two balls in the last
three Wgames Wand Whad Wzero Wcatches Wlast Wweek. WAnd WtheW
Birds have lost three straight. We miss you down at the
Linc, Pat.WI cant talk about that subject until my dance recital is
over tomorrow night. I can only say that I need to recruit
as many people as possible to cheer for Ti..any and me
so Wthe Wjudges Wwill Wbe Wswayed. WLet Wme Wjust Wsay WthatW
jWwllWwWj
winning is really important, and Ti..any says that crowd
reaction can sway the judges.WIf I come, will you talk to me about that-thing-you-
are-not-allowed-to-talk-about after your performance?WCli.., WI Wcant Wtalk Wabout
Wthat Wuntil Wafter Wthe
performance.WWell then, neither can I tell you whether I will be atW
your performance, Cliff says.WAt ..rst I think he is blu..ng, but he doesnt bring
up
the subject again, and by the end of our therapy session I
feel as though I have blown my shot at getting Cli.. toW
bring his wife to my recital, which makes me feel veryW
depressed.WHello, youve reached Jake and Caitlins machine.
Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.WJake. WSorry Wto Wcall Wso Wlate, Wb
ut WI Wjust Wgot Wdone
rehearsing. I know that you are mad at me because youW
think WI Wjinxed Wthose-people-who-make-me-hum-at-the-
present-moment, Wbut Wif Wyou Wbring WCaitlin Wto Wmy Wdance
recital, theres a chance I might be able to do that thing
we Wused Wto Wdo Won WSundays, Wespecially Wif Wyou Wcheer Wfor
Ti..any and me very loudly. We need people to cheer for
us, Wbecause Wthe Wjudges Ware Wsometimes Wswayed Wby Wthe
audience. WIts Wreally Wimportant Wthat Wwe Wwin WthisW
competition. So as your brother, Im asking you to please
bring your wife to the PlazaW
]
Beep
I hang up and redial the number
Hello,O
youveO
reachedO
JakeO
andO
CaitlinsO
machine.
Please leave a message after the beep. Beep
Thats the Plaza Hotel atx
Hello? Is everything okay?x
Its Caitlins voice, which makes me nervous, so I hang
up,O
fullyO
realizingO
IO
haveO
blownO
myO
shotO
atO
gettingO
Jake
to come to my dance recital
Pat,O
youO
knowO
IllO
beO
there.O
AndO
IllO
cheerO
soO
loudlyO
for
you,O
butO
winningO
isntO
everything,O
myO
momO
says.O
Its
theO
factO
thatO
youO
wereO
ableO
toO
learnO
toO
danceO
inO
onlyO
a
few weeks that is impressive.x
Just ask Dad, okay?x
IO
will.O
ButO
IO
dontO
wantO
youO
toO
getO
yourO
hopesO
up.O
n
danceO
recitalO
isO
notO
somethingO
heO
wouldO
haveO
attended
even if the Eagles won the last three games.x
Like a Shadow on Me All of the TimO
VeronicaP
dropsP
usP
o..P
inP
frontP
ofP
theP
PlazaP
HotelP
on
Saturday,P
saying,P
BreakP
aP
leg,P
justP
beforeP
sheP
pulls
away. I follow Ti..any into the lobby, where four towers
ofP
waterP
shootP
outP
ofP
aP
largeP
fountainatP
leastP
tenP
feet
upP
inP
theP
air.P
RealP
..shP
swimP
aroundP
inP
theP
poolP
of
water,P
andP
signsP
read doP
notP
throwP
coinsP
intoP
the
fountain.P
Ti..anyP
hasP
beenP
hereP
before.P
SheP
walksP
righ\
pastP
theP
informationP
deskP
andP
leadsP
meP
throughP
aP
maze
ofP
hallwaysP
withP
goldP
wallpaperP
andP
swanky-looking
light ..xtures that are all large bronze ..sh with lightbulbs
inP
theirP
mouths.P
Finally,P
weP
..ndP
theP
hallP
whereP
the
dance recital will take place[
RedP
curtainsP
frameP
aP
largeP
stage.P
AP
hugeP
bannerP
hangs
highP
aboveP
theP
danceP
..oor;P
itP
reads danceP
away
depression.P
WeP
tryP
toP
registerP
atP
aP
desk,P
andP
itP
becomes
obviousP
thatP
weP
areP
theP
..rstP
contestantsP
toP
showP
up,
becauseP
theP
fatP
womanP
whoP
isP
inP
chargeP
ofP
registration
says, Registration is not for another hour.X
[
[
WeP
sitP
downP
inP
theP
lastP
rowP
ofP
seats.P
IP
lookP
around.P
A
hugeP
chandelierP
danglesP
aboveP
us,P
andP
theP
ceilingP
isP
not
justP
aP
regularP
ceiling,P
butP
hasP
allP
sortsP
ofP
plasterP
..owers
andP
angelsP
andP
otherP
fancyP
thingsP
stickingP
outP
ofP
it.
Ti..any is nervous. She keeps cracking her knuckles. Are
you okay? I ask[
PleaseP
dontP
talkP
toP
meP
beforeP
theP
performance.P
Its
bad luck.X
So I sit there and start to get nervous myself, especially
sinceP
IP
haveP
aP
lotP
moreP
ridingP
onP
thisP
competitionP
than
Ti..anyP
does,P
andP
sheP
isP
obviouslyP
rattled.P
IP
tryP
notP
to
thinkP
aboutP
losingP
myP
chanceP
toP
sendP
NikkiP
aP
letter,P
but
of course this is all I can think about[
WhenP
otherP
contestantsP
beginP
toP
arrive,P
IP
noticeP
that
mostP
ofP
themP
lookP
likeP
highP
schoolP
students,P
andP
IP
think
this is strange, but I do not say anythingmostly because
I am not allowed to talk to Tiffany[
WeP
register,P
giveP
ourP
musicP
toP
theP
soundP
guy,P
who
remembersP
Ti..anyP
fromP
lastP
year,P
IP
know,P
becauseP
he
says,P
YouP
again?P
AfterP
Ti..anyP
nods,P
weP
areP
backstage,
changing.P
Thankfully,P
ImP
ableP
toP
slipP
intoP
myP
tights
before any of the other contestants make it backstage[
In the far corner, Im minding my own business, sitting
withP
Ti..any,P
whenP
anP
uglyP
womanP
waddlesP
overP
and
saysP
toP
Ti..any,P
IP
knowP
youP
dancersP
areP
prettyP
liberal
about your bodies. But do you really expect me to allow
my teenage daughter to change in front of this half-nakeT
aQ
Q
ffa[
a
man?X
Ti..any is really nervous now. I know because she does
notP
curseP
outP
thisP
uglyP
woman,P
whoP
remindsP
meP
ofP
the
nursesP
inP
theP
badP
place,P
especiallyP
sinceP
sheP
isP
soP
outP
of
shape and has a poofy old-lady haircut[
Well? the mom says[
IP
seeP
aP
storageP
closetP
onP
theP
otherP
sideP
ofP
theP
room.
How about I go in there while everyone else changes?X
Fine with me, the woman says[
Ti..anyP
andP
IP
enterP
theP
supplyP
closet,P
whichP
isP
fullP
of
abandonedP
costumesP
fromP
whatP
mustP
haveP
beenP
a
childrensP
showallP
sortsP
ofP
pajama-lookingP
suitsP
that
would make me look like a lion or a tiger or a zebra if I
putP
oneP
on.P
AP
dustyP
boxP
ofP
percussionP
instruments
tambourines,P
triangles,P
cymbals,P
andP
woodenP
sticksP
you
bangP
togetherremindsP
meP
ofP
theP
musicP
roomP
inP
the
badP
placeP
andP
musicP
relaxationP
class,P
whichP
IP
attended
untilP
IP
wasP
kickedP
out.P
AndP
thenP
IP
haveP
thisP
terrifying
thought:P
WhatP
ifP
oneP
ofP
theP
otherP
contestantsP
isP
dancing
to a Kenny G song
You need to ..nd out what songs the other dancers are
performing to, I tell Tiffany[
I told you not to talk to me before the performance.X
JustP
..ndP
outP
whetherP
anyoneP
isP
dancingP
toP
anyP
songs
playedP
byP
aP
smoothP
jazzP
performerP
whoseP
initialsP
are
K.G.X
[
[
After a second she says, KennyX
IP
closeP
myP
eyes,P
humP
aP
singleP
note,P
andP
silentlyP
count
to ten, blanking my mind[
JesusP
Christ,P
Ti..anyP
says,P
butP
thenP
standsP
andP
leavec
the closet[
TenP
minutesP
laterP
sheP
returns.P
NoP
musicP
byP
that
person, Tiffany says, and then sits down[
Are you sure?X
I said no Kenny G.X
IP
closeP
myP
eyes,P
humP
aP
singleP
note,P
andP
silentlyP
count
to ten, blanking my mind[
We hear a knock, and when Ti..any opens the door, I see
thatP
manyP
momsP
areP
backstageP
now.P
TheP
womanP
who
knocked tells Tiffany that all the dancers have checked in
andP
areP
changed.P
WhenP
IP
leaveP
theP
storageP
closet,P
IP
am
shockedP
toP
seeP
thatP
Ti..anyP
andP
IP
areP
theP
oldest
contestantsP
byP
atP
leastP
..fteenP
years.P
WeP
areP
surrounded
by teenage girls[
DontP
letP
theirP
innocentP
looksP
foolP
you,P
Ti..anyP
says.
TheyreP
allP
littleP
pitP
vipersandP
extraordinarilyP
gifted
dancers.X
BeforeP
theP
audienceP
arrives,P
weP
areP
givenP
aP
chanceP
to
practiceP
onP
theP
PlazaP
HotelP
stage.P
WeP
nailP
ourP
routinO
perfectly,P
butP
mostP
ofP
theP
otherP
dancersP
alsoP
nailP
their
impressiveP
routinesP
asP
well,P
whichP
makesP
meP
worryP
wO
vQ
a
will not win[
JustP
beforeP
theP
competitionP
begins,P
theP
contestantsP
are
broughtP
outP
beforeP
theP
crowd.P
WhenP
Ti..anyP
andP
IP
are
announced, we take the stage, wave, and the applause is
mild.P
TheP
lightsP
makeP
itP
hardP
toP
see,P
butP
IP
spotP
Ti..anys
parents in the front row, seated with little Emily, Ronnie,
Veronica,P
andP
aP
middle-agedP
womanP
whoP
IP
guessP
isP
Dr.
Lily, Ti..anys therapist, because Ti..any told me that her
therapistP
wouldP
beP
inP
attendance.P
IP
scanP
theP
restP
ofP
the
rowsP
quicklyP
asP
weP
walkP
o..stage,P
butP
IP
doP
notP
seeP
my
mother. No Jake. No Dad. No Cli... I catch myself feeling
sad, even though I did not really expect anyone but Mom
toP
showP
up.P
MaybeP
MomP
isP
outP
thereP
somewhere,P
I
think, and the thought makes me feel a little better[
Backstage,P
inP
myP
mindP
IP
admitP
thatP
theP
other
contestantsP
receivedP
moreP
applauseP
thanP
weP
did,P
which
meansP
theirP
fanP
basesP
areP
largerP
thanP
ours.P
EvenP
though
theP
womanP
whoP
announcedP
usP
isP
nowP
givingP
aP
speech,
sayingP
thisP
isP
aP
showcaseP
and notP
aP
competition,P
IP
worry
that Ti..any will not get the golden trophy, which would
kill my chance to write Nikki letters[
WeP
areP
scheduledP
toP
performP
last,P
andP
asP
theP
other
girlsP
do their numbers, the applause ranges from mild to
enthusiastic,P
whichP
surprisesP
me,P
becauseP
duringP
the
preshowP
rehearsal,P
IP
thoughtP
allP
theP
routinesP
were
excellent[
ButP
rightP
beforeP
weP
areP
setP
toP
dance,P
whenP
littlO
fQ
a
Chelsea ChenP
concludes her ballet number, the applause
is thunderous[
WhatP
didP
sheP
doP
outP
thereP
toP
getP
suchP
good
applause? I ask Tiffany[
DontP
talkP
toP
meP
beforeP
theP
performance,P
sheP
says,
and I start to feel very nervous[
TheP
womanP
inP
chargeP
ofP
theP
recitalP
announcesP
our
names, and the applause is a little livelier than what we
received before the competition. Right before IP
lie down
atP
theP
backP
ofP
theP
stage,P
IP
lookP
toP
seeP
ifP
maybeP
JakeP
or
Cli..P
showedP
upP
late,P
butP
allP
IP
seeP
whenP
IP
lookP
outP
into
the audience is the hot white from the spotlights that are
on me. Before I have a chance to think, the music starts[
Piano notesslow and sad[
IP
beginP
myP
incrediblyP
drawn-outP
crawlP
toP
centerP
stage,
using only my arms[
The male voice sings, Turn around X
BonnieP
TylerP
answers,P
EveryP
nowP
andP
thenP
IP
getP
a
little bit lonely and youre never coming round.X
At this point Ti..any runs onto the stage and leaps over
me like a gazelle or some other animal that is beautifully
nimble.P
AsP
theP
twoP
voicesP
continueP
toP
exchangeP
verses,
Ti..anyP
doesP
herP
thing:P
running,P
jumping,P
tumbling,
spinning, slidingmodern dance[
WhenP
theP
drumsP
kickP
in,P
IP
standP
andP
makeP
aP
hugO
aQ
aa
circleP
withP
myP
armsP
soP
peopleP
willP
knowP
thatP
IP
amP
the
sunP
andP
IP
haveP
risen.P
Ti..anysP
movementsP
alsoP
become
moreP
fervent.P
WhenP
BonnieP
TylerP
buildsP
upP
toP
the
chorus,P
singing,P
TogetherP
weP
canP
takeP
it toP
theP
endP
of
theP
line;P
yourP
loveP
isP
likeP
aP
shadowP
onP
meP
allP
ofP
the
time,P
we goP
into theP
..rst lift.P
IP
dont knowP
what to do
andP
ImP
alwaysP
inP
theP
dark.P
IP
haveP
Ti..anyP
upP
overP
my
head;P
IP
amP
steadyP
asP
aP
rock;P
IP
amP
performingP
..awlessly.
WereP
livingP
inP
aP
powderP
kegP
andP
givingP
o..P
sparks.P
I
begin to rotate Ti..any as she lifts her legs out into a split
andP
BonnieP
TylerP
sings,P
IP
reallyP
needP
youP
tonight!
ForeversP
gonnaP
startP
tonight!P
ForeversP
gonnaP
start
tonight.P
WeP
makeP
aP
360-degreeP
rotation,P
andP
when
BonnieP
TylerP
sings,P
OnceP
uponP
aP
timeP
IP
wasP
fallingP
in
love,P
butP
nowP
ImP
onlyP
fallingP
apart,P
Ti..anyP
rolls
forward down into my arms and I lower her to the ..oor
asP
ifP
sheP
wereP
deadandP
I,P
asP
theP
sun,P
mournP
her.
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.X
WhenP
theP
musicP
buildsP
again,P
sheP
explodesP
upward
and begins to fly all around the stage so beautifully[
AsP
theP
songP
continues,P
IP
againP
makeP
huge,P
slowP
circles
with my arms, representing the sun as best I can. I know
the routine so well, I can think about other things while I
amP
performing,P
soP
IP
beginP
toP
thinkP
thatP
IP
amP
actually
nailingP
thisP
performanceP
prettyP
easilyP
andP
itP
isP
aP
shame
my family and friends are not here to see me dancing so
excellently. Even though we will most likely not win the
audiencesP
loudestP
applauseespeciallyP
afterP
ChelseQ
Q
Q
Q
]
Q
a[
a
ChenP
obviouslyP
broughtP
everyP
singleP
oneP
ofP
herP
family
membersP
toP
theP
performanceIP
beginP
toP
thinkP
weP
will
winP
anyway.P
Ti..anyP
isP
reallyP
good,P
andP
asP
sheP
..iesP
bS
meP
so manyP
times, I beginP
to admireP
her in aP
way IP
had
notP
previously.P
SheP
hasP
kickedP
herP
gameP
upP
aP
notchP
for
theP
competitionP
andP
isP
nowP
showingP
aP
partP
ofP
herselfP
I
had not previously seen. If she was crying with her body
forP
theP
lastP
monthP
orP
so,P
wheneverP
weP
practicedP
inP
her
studio,P
sheP
isP
weepingP
uncontrollablyP
withP
herP
body
tonight,P
andP
youP
wouldP
haveP
toP
beP
aP
stoneP
notP
toP
feel
what she is offering the audience[
ButP
thenP
BonnieP
TylerP
isP
singing,P
TogetherP
weP
can
makeP
itP
toP
theP
endP
ofP
theP
line,P
whichP
meansP
itP
isP
time
forP
theP
secondP
lifttheP
hardestP
onesoP
IP
lowerP
myself
intoP
aP
squattingP
positionP
andP
placeP
theP
backsP
ofP
my
hands on my shoulders. As the song builds, Tiffany stands
onP
myP
palms,P
andP
whenP
BonnieP
TylerP
sings,P
IP
really
needP
youP
tonight,P
Ti..anyP
bendsP
herP
knees,P
soP
IP
engage
myP
legP
musclesP
andP
pushP
upwardP
asP
fastP
asP
IP
can,
extendingP
myP
arms,P
elevatingP
myP
palms.P
Ti..anyP
shoots
highP
upP
intoP
theP
air,P
doesP
aP
fullP
..ip,P
fallsP
intoP
myP
arms,
andP
asP
theP
chorusP
diesP
down,P
weP
gazeP
intoP
eachP
others
eyes.P
OnceP
uponP
aP
timeP
IP
wasP
fallingP
inP
love,P
butP
now
Im only falling apart. Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of
theP
heart.P
SheP
fallsP
fromP
myP
arms,P
asP
ifP
dead,P
andP
I
beingP
theP
sunset,P
whichP
meansP
IP
lieP
backP
onP
theP
..oor
andP
useP
onlyP
myP
armsP
toP
slowlyP
pushP
myselfP
backward
andP
outP
ofP
theP
spotlight,P
whichP
takesP
almostP
aP
fulZ
Q
[
aaaf
minute[
The music fades[
Silence[
For a second I worry that no one will clap[
But then the house explodes with applause[
WhenP
Ti..anyP
stands,P
IP
doP
too.P
JustP
likeP
weP
practiced
soP
manyP
times,P
IP
holdP
Ti..anysP
handP
andP
takeP
aP
bow,P
at
whichP
timeP
theP
applauseP
thickensP
andP
theP
audience
stands[
ImP
soP
happy,P
butP
atP
theP
sameP
timeP
IP
amP
sadP
because
none of my family and friends came to support mebut
then I hear the loudest Eagles chant I have ever heard in
myP
entireP
life.P
E!-A!-G!-L!-E!-S!P
EAGLES!P
IP
lookP
up
towardP
theP
backP
rows,P
andP
notP
onlyP
doP
IP
spotP
JakeP
and
Caitlin and Mom, but also Scott and the fat men and Cli..
andP
theP
entireP
AsianP
Invasion.P
TheyP
areP
allP
wearing
EaglesP
jerseys,P
andP
IP
startP
toP
laughP
whenP
theyP
beginP
to
chant, Baskett! Baskett! Baskett! Baskett!X
InP
theP
frontP
row,P
RonnieP
isP
smilingP
atP
meP
proudly.P
He
givesP
meP
theP
thumbs-upP
whenP
weP
makeP
eyeP
contact.
VeronicaP
isP
alsoP
smiling,P
andP
soP
isP
littleP
Emily,P
butP
Mrs.
Webster is crying and smiling at the same time, which is
whenP
IP
realizeP
thatP
sheP
thinksP
ourP
danceP
wasP
really
beautifulenough to make her cry[
Ti..anyP
andP
IP
runP
o..stage,P
andP
theP
highP
schoolP
girls
congratulateP
usP
withP
theirP
gapingP
eyesP
andP
theirP
smiles
andP
theirP
chatter.P
Oh,P
myP
God.P
ThatP
was soP
amazing!X
Q
Q
[
[
]
Q
Q
Q
az
theyP
allP
say.P
ItP
isP
easyP
toP
seeP
thatP
everyP
oneP
ofP
them
admiresP
Ti..anyP
becauseP
Ti..anyP
isP
anP
excellentP
dancer
and a talented choreographer[
Finally Tiffany faces me and says, You were perfect!X
No, you were perfect! I say. Do you think we won?X
She smiles and looks down at her feet[
What? I say[
Pat, I need to tell you something.X
What?X
Theres no gold trophy.X
What?X
ThereP
areP
noP
winnersP
atP
DanceP
AwayP
Depression.P
Its
justP
anP
exhibition.P
IP
madeP
upP
theP
partP
aboutP
theP
wreath
just to motivate you.X
Oh.X
AndP
itP
worked,P
becauseP
youP
wereP
beautifulP
outP
there
onstage!P
ThankP
you,P
and IP
willP
beP
yourP
liaison,P
Ti..any
saysP
justP
beforeP
sheP
kissesP
meP
onP
theP
lipsP
andP
hugsP
me
forP
aP
veryP
longP
time.P
HerP
kissP
tastesP
saltyP
fromP
the
dancing,P
andP
itP
isP
strangeP
toP
haveP
Ti..anyP
huggingP
meP
so
passionately in front ofP
so manyP
teenage girlsP
in tights
especiallyP
becauseP
IP
amP
shirtlessP
andP
myP
torsoP
isP
freshly
shavedandP
alsoP
IP
doP
notP
likeP
toP
beP
touchedP
byP
anyone
except Nikki[
SoP
nowP
thatP
weP
areP
doneP
dancing,P
canP
IP
talkP
about
Eagles football again? Because I have a lot of Eagles fanc
Q
[
Q
Q
Q
Q
a
Q
[
Q
fQ
out there waiting for me.X
AfterP
nailingP
theP
routine,P
youP
canP
doP
whateverP
you
want, Pat, Ti..any whispers into my ear, and then I wait
a long time for her to stop hugging me[
After I change in the storage closet, Ti..any tells me there
areP
noP
moreP
nakedP
teenagersP
backstage,P
soP
IP
goP
toP
greet
myP
fans.P
WhenP
IP
hopP
downP
o..P
theP
stage,P
Mrs.P
Webster
grabsP
myP
hands,P
looksP
intoP
myP
eyes,P
andP
says,P
Thank
you.P
SheP
keepsP
lookingP
intoP
myP
eyes,P
butP
theP
old
womanP
doesntP
sayP
anythingP
else,P
whichP
makesP
meP
feel
sort of weird[
FinallyP
VeronicaP
says,P
WhatP
myP
motherP
meansP
toP
say
is that tonight meant a lot to Tiffany.X
Emily points at me and says, Pap!X
Thats right, Em, Ronnie says. q
ncle Pat.X
Pap! Pap! Pap!X
We all laugh, but then I hear ..fty Indian men chanting,
Baskett! Baskett! Baskett!X
BetterP
goP
greetP
yourP
rowdyP
fans,P
RonnieP
says,P
soP
I
walk up the aisle toward the sea of Eagles jerseys. Other
audience members I dont know pat me on the back and
congratulate me as I weave my way through them[
YouP
wereP
soP
goodP
upP
there!P
myP
motherP
saysP
inP
a
wayP
thatP
letsP
meP
knowP
sheP
wasP
surprisedP
byP
my
excellentP
dancingP
skills,P
andP
thenP
sheP
hugsP
me.P
ImP
sU
aQ
.
proud!X
I hug her back and then ask, Is Dad here?X
Forget Dad, Jake says. You got sixty or so wild men
waitingP
toP
takeP
youP
toP
theP
mostP
epicP
tailgateP
partyP
of
your life.X
HopeP
youP
werentP
planningP
onP
gettingP
anyP
sleep
tonight, Caitlin says to me[
YouP
readyP
toP
endP
theP
PatP
PeoplesP
curse?P
Cli..P
askc
me[
What? I say[
TheP
BirdsP
haventP
wonP
sinceP
youP
stoppedP
watching.
TonightP
wereP
takingP
drasticP
measuresP
toP
endP
theP
curse,
ScottP
says.P
WereP
sleepingP
inP
theP
AsianP
InvasionP
bus,
rightP
outsideP
theP
WachoviaP
parkingP
lot.P
WeP
setP
upP
the
tailgate party at daybreak.X
AshwiniP
isP
drivingP
aroundP
theP
blockP
rightP
now,
waiting for us, Cliff says. So. Are you ready?X
I am a little shaken by the news, especially since I just
..nished such an excellent dance routine and was hoping
toP
simplyP
enjoyP
theP
accomplishmentP
forP
moreP
thanP
ten
minutes. I dont have my clothes.X
ButP
myP
momP
pullsP
myP
BaskettP
jerseyP
outP
ofP
aP
du..el
bagP
IP
hadntP
noticedP
beforeP
andP
says,P
YouP
have
everything you need in here.X
What about my meds?X
Cliff holds up a little plastic bag with my pills inside[
f[
[
Before I can say or do anything else, the Asian Invasion
beginsP
chantingP
louder:P
Baskett!P
Baskett!P
Baskett!P
The
fatP
menP
pickP
meP
upP
aboveP
theirP
headsP
andP
carryP
meP
out
ofP
theP
auditorium,P
pastP
theP
fountainP
fullP
ofP
..sh,P
outP
of
the Plaza Hotel, and onto the streets of Philadelphia. And
then I am in the Asian Invasion bus, drinking a beer and
singing, Fly, Eagles, fly! On the road to victory X
In South Philadelphia, we stop at Pats for cheesesteaks
which take a long time to prepare, as there are sixty or
soP
ofP
us,P
andP
noP
oneP
wouldP
dareP
goP
nextP
doorP
toP
Genos
Steaks,P
becauseP
GenosP
steaksP
areP
inferiorandP
thenP
we
areP
atP
theP
WachoviaP
parkingP
lot,P
parkedP
justP
outsideP
the
gateP
soP
weP
willP
beP
theP
..rstP
vehicleP
admittedP
inP
the
morningP
andP
thereforeP
willP
beP
guaranteedP
theP
lucky
parkingP
spot.P
WeP
drink,P
sing,P
throwP
aP
fewP
footballs,P
and
run around on the concrete; we roll out the Astroturf and
playP
aP
fewP
KubbP
gamesP
underP
theP
streetlights,P
andP
even
though I have only had two or three beers, I begin to tell
everyoneP
IP
loveP
themP
becauseP
theyP
cameP
toP
myP
dance
recital, and I alsoP
tell themP
Im sorry for abandoning the
Eagles mid-season and thatP
it wasP
for a good reason, but
IP
justP
cantP
sayP
whatandP
thenP
IP
amP
onP
aP
busP
seatP
and
Cli..P
isP
wakingP
meP
up,P
saying,P
YouP
forgotP
toP
takeP
your
night meds.X
When I wake up the next morning, my head is on Jakes
shoulder,P
andP
itP
feelsP
goodP
toP
beP
soP
closeP
toP
myP
brotherT
Q
f
whoP
isP
stillP
asleep.P
QuietlyP
IP
standP
andP
lookP
aroundP
and
realize that everyoneScott, the fat men, Cli.., all ..fty or
soP
AsianP
InvasionP
membersisP
asleepP
onP
theP
bus.P
Two
or three men are sleeping in every seat, with their heads
on each others shoulders. Everywhere brothers[
IP
tiptoeP
toP
theP
frontP
ofP
theP
bus,P
pastP
Ashwini,P
whoin
the drivers seatis asleep with his mouth wide open[
OnceP
outside,P
onP
theP
smallP
patchP
ofP
grassP
betweenP
the
streetP
andP
theP
sidewalk,P
IP
beginP
theP
sameP
push-upP
and
sit-up routine I used to do back in the bad place, before I
hadP
accessP
toP
freeP
weightsP
andP
aP
stationaryP
bikeP
andP
the
Stomach Master 6000[
After an hour or so, first light comes[
As I ..nish the last set of sit-ups, I feel as though I have
burnedP
o..P
myP
cheesesteakP
andP
theP
beersP
IP
drankP
the
nightP
before,P
butP
IP
cantP
helpP
feelingP
likeP
IP
shouldP
goP
for
a run, so I run a few miles, and when I return, my friends
are still sleeping[
As I stand next to Ashwini and watch my boys sleep, I
feelP
happyP
becauseP
IP
haveP
soP
manyP
friendsaP
whole
busful[
IP
realizeP
thatP
IP
leftP
theP
PlazaP
HotelP
withoutP
saying
goodbyeP
toP
Ti..any,P
andP
IP
feelP
aP
littleP
badP
aboutP
that,
even though she saidP
I couldP
do whatever I wanted after
we performed so well. Also I am very eager to write my
..rstP
letterP
toP
Nikki.P
ButP
thereP
isP
EaglesP
footballP
toP
think
aboutP
now,P
andP
IP
knowP
thatP
anP
EaglesP
victoryP
isP
jus\
Q
Q
aaav
aboutP
theP
onlyP
thingP
thatP
willP
smoothP
thingsP
overP
with
myP
father,P
soP
IP
beginP
toP
hope,P
andP
IP
evenP
sayP
aP
little
prayerP
toP
God,P
whoP
IP
betP
wasP
prettyP
impressedP
withP
my
danceP
routineP
lastP
night,P
soP
maybeP
HeP
willP
cutP
meP
a
break today. Looking at all those sleeping faces, I realize
IP
haveP
missedP
myP
green-shirtedP
brothers,P
andP
IP
beginP
to
anticipate the day[
Letter #2-November 15, 200]
Dear Pat[
First, let me say its good to hear from you.P
Its been a
long time, which has been strange for me. I mean, when
you are married to someone for years and then you dont
seeP
thatP
personP
forP
almostP
asP
manyP
years,P
itsP
strange,
right?P
IP
dontP
knowP
howP
toP
explainP
it,P
especiallyP
since
ourP
marriageP
endedP
soP
abruptlyP
andP
scandalously.P
We
never got a chance to talk things overone-on-onelike
civilized adults. Because of this, sometimes I think maybe
its almost as if Im not really sure the multiple Pat-less
yearsP
haveP
trulyP
transpired,P
butP
maybeP
itsP
beenP
onlyP
_
brief separation that feels like years. Like a solo car ride
that takes all night but feels like a lifetime. Watching all
those highway dashes ..ying by at seventy miles an hour,
yourP
eyesP
becomingP
lazyP
slitsP
andP
yourP
mindP
wandering
overP
theP
memoryP
ofP
aP
wholeP
lifetimepastP
andP
future,
childhoodP
memoriesP
toP
thoughtsP
ofP
yourP
ownP
death
untilP
theP
numbersP
onP
theP
dashboardP
clockP
doP
notP
mean
anythingP
anymore.P
AndP
thenP
theP
sunP
comesP
upP
andP
yo2
a[
ng
a[
[
[
[
]
a[
getP
toP
your destinationP
andP
theP
rideP
becomesP
theP
thing
thatP
isP
noP
longerP
real,P
becauseP
thatP
surrealP
feelingP
has
vanished and time has become meaningful againY
FinallyP
makingP
contactP
withP
youP
isP
likeP
arrivingP
atP
the
endP
ofP
aP
longP
carP
rideP
andP
realizingP
IP
wentP
toP
theP
wrong
placethat I have ended up in the past somehow, at the
portP
ofP
originP
insteadP
ofP
theP
dockP
ofP
destination.P
ButP
aN
leastP
IP
..nallyP
getP
toP
sayP
thatP
toP
you,P
whichP
isP
important.
ItP
probablyP
soundsP
stupid,P
butP
maybeP
youP
knowP
whatP
I
mean.P
TheP
partP
ofP
myP
lifeP
youP
onceP
..lledP
hasP
been
nothingP
butP
highwayP
dashesP
sinceP
youP
wereP
putP
away[
andP
IP
amP
hopingP
thisP
exchangeP
ofP
lettersP
willP
helpP
to
provideP
closureP
forP
bothP
ofP
us,P
becauseP
soonP
IP
willP
drive
back to the place I was before Ti..any contacted me, and
we will be only memories to each otherY
IP
canP
hardlyP
believeP
howP
muchP
youP
wrote.P
When
Ti..anyP
toldP
meP
youP
wereP
writingP
meP
aP
letter,P
IP
didP
not
expectP
youP
toP
giveP
herP
twoP
hundredP
photocopiedP
pages
ofP
yourP
diary.P
AsP
youP
canP
imagine,P
Ti..anyP
wasP
notP
ablM
to read me all of the pages over the phone, because that
wouldP
haveP
takenP
hours!P
SheP
didP
readP
meP
the
introductory note and then ..lled me in on the rest, citing
your diary often. You need to know it was a lot of work
forP
herP
toP
readP
throughP
theP
manuscriptP
andP
pickP
outP
the
parts she thought I should hear. For Tiffanys sake, please
limitP
yourP
nextP
letterP
toP
..veP
pagesshouldP
thereP
beP
_
next letteras reading five pages aloud takes a long time
and Ti..any is typing up what I dictate over the phone ac
a[
a[
ng
_
]
_
[
_
well, which is already too much to ask of her. (She really
isP
aP
phenomenallyP
kindP
woman,P
dontP
youP
think?P
You
areP
luckyP
toP
haveP
Ti..anyP
inP
yourP
life.)P
MaybeP
itsP
the
English teacher in me, but I feel as though a page limit is
best. No offense, but lets try to be concise. Okay_
CongratulationsP
onP
yourP
danceP
performance.P
Ti..any
saysP
youP
performedP
..awlessly.P
ImP
soP
proudP
ofP
you!P
Its
hardP
toP
imagineP
youP
dancing,P
Pat.P
TheP
wayP
thatP
Ti..any
described the performance was very impressive. Im glad
youP
areP
takingP
anP
interestP
inP
newP
things.P
ThatsP
good.P
I
certainly wish you had danced more with meY
ThingsP
atP
Je..ersonP
HighP
SchoolP
areP
gloriouslyP
shitty.
TheP
PTAP
pushedP
forP
onlineP
gradeP
books,P
andP
now
parentsP
haveP
accessP
toP
theirP
childrensP
gradesP
24/7.P
You
wouldP
hateP
workingP
hereP
nowP
becauseP
ofP
thisP
new
development.P
AllP
parentsP
haveP
toP
doP
isP
logP
onP
toP
a
computer,P
goP
toP
theP
Je..ersonP
HighP
SchoolP
WebP
page,
enterP
anP
IDP
#P
andP
aP
password,P
andP
theyP
canP
seeP
ifP
their
kidP
turnedP
inP
hisP
homeworkP
onP
anyP
givenP
dayP
orP
scored
poorly on a pop quiz or whatever. Of course, this means
ifP
weP
areP
behindP
onP
ourP
grading,P
parentsP
willP
knowP
and
theP
aggressiveP
onesP
willP
call.P
Parent-teacherP
conferences
haveP
increasedP
becauseP
ofP
this.P
EveryP
timeP
aP
student
misses a single homework, Im hearing from parents. Our
sportsP
teamsP
areP
losingP
prettyP
regularlyP
too.P
Coach
RitchieP
andP
CoachP
MaloneP
bothP
missP
you.P
BelieveP
me
whenP
IP
sayP
theyP
couldP
notP
..llP
yourP
shoes,P
andP
theP
kidc
areP
worseP
o..P
withoutP
CoachP
PeoplesP
atP
theP
helm.P
ThM
_
a]
_
lifeP
ofP
aP
teacherP
isP
stillP
hecticP
andP
crazyandP
IP
amP
glad
youP
dontP
haveP
toP
dealP
withP
thisP
typeP
ofP
stressP
asP
yo2
healY
SorryP
toP
hearP
aboutP
yourP
fatherP
beingP
aloof.P
IP
know
howP
muchP
thatP
usedP
toP
upsetP
you.P
AndP
ImP
alsoP
sorre
your Eagles are upP
and downbutP
at least they beat the
RedskinsP
lastP
weekend,P
right?P
AndP
seasonP
ticketsP
with
Jake,P
youP
mustP
feelP
asP
thoughP
youP
diedP
andP
wentP
tU
heavenY
IP
thinkP
itsP
bestP
toP
sayP
IP
amP
remarried.P
IP
wontP
goP
into
details unless you want me to, Pat. Im sure this comes as
a shock to you, especially after Tiffany read me the many
parts of your diary that seemed to indicate you still hope
toP
reconcileP
ourP
marriage.P
YouP
needP
toP
knowP
thisP
isP
not
goingP
toP
happen.P
TheP
truthP
isP
IP
wasP
planningP
on
divorcingP
youP
beforeP
theP
accident,P
beforeP
youP
were
checkedP
intoP
theP
neuralP
healthP
facility.P
WeP
wereP
notP
_
good match. You were never home. And lets face itour
sex life was shit. I cheated on you because of this, which
youP
mayP
orP
mayP
notP
remember.P
IP
amP
notP
tryingP
toP
hurN
you,P
PatfarP
fromP
it.P
IP
amP
notP
proudP
ofP
myP
in..delity.P
I
regret cheating on you. But our marriage was over before
I began my a..air. Your mind is not right, but I have been
toldP
yourP
therapistP
isP
oneP
ofP
theP
bestP
inP
SouthP
Jersey,
yourP
treatmentsP
areP
working,P
andP
yourP
memoryP
will
return soon; when it does, you will remember how I hurt
you,P
andP
thenP
youP
willP
notP
evenP
wantP
toP
writeP
me,P
let
alone try to re-create what you think we once hadY
[
]
[
n]
IP
understandP
myP
bluntP
responseP
toP
yourP
veryP
longP
and
passionate letter might make you upset, and if you dont
wantP
toP
writeP
meP
again,P
IP
willP
understand.P
ButP
IP
wanted
to be honest with you. Whats the point if we lie now_
Yours[
Nikkb
P.S.IP
wasP
veryP
impressedP
withP
yourP
..nallyP
reading
manyP
ofP
theP
booksP
onP
myP
AmericanP
Lit.P
syllabus.P
Many
students have also complained about the novels being so
depressing.P
TryP
MarkP
Twain.P
HuckP
Finn endsP
happily.
You might like that one. But Ill tell you the same thing I
tellP
myP
studentsP
whenP
theyP
complainP
aboutP
thM
depressing nature of American literature: life is not a PG
feel-goodP
movie.P
RealP
lifeP
oftenP
endsP
badly,P
likeP
our
marriageP
did,P
Pat.P
AndP
literatureP
triesP
toP
documentP
this
reality, while showing us it is still possible for people to
endureP
nobly.P
ItP
soundsP
likeP
youP
haveP
enduredP
very
noblyP
sinceP
youP
returnedP
toP
NewP
Jersey,P
andP
IP
wantP
you
toP
knowP
IP
admireP
that.P
IP
hopeP
youP
areP
ableP
toP
reinvenN
yourselfP
andP
liveP
outP
theP
restP
ofP
yourP
lifeP
withP
aP
quiet
sense of satisfaction, whichP
is whatP
I have been trying to
do since we partedY
Letter #3-November 18, 200^
Dear Nikki[
AsP
soonP
asP
IP
readP
yourP
letter,P
IP
hadP
myP
motherP
check
outP
TheP
AdventuresP
ofP
HuckleberryP
Finn fromP
the
CollingswoodP
PublicP
Library.P
EagerP
toP
enjoyP
aP
literary
book with a happy ending, I read the entire work in one
sitting, which required me to forgo sleep for an evening.
IP
dontP
knowP
ifP
Ti..anyP
readP
youP
theP
partsP
inP
myP
diary
about my black friend Danny, but this book would make
himP
goP
wild,P
asP
TwainP
usesP
theP
n-wordP
moreP
thanP
200
times.P
IP
knowP
thisP
becauseP
afterP
readingP
theP
..rstP
few
chapters,P
IP
startedP
overP
andP
keptP
aP
runningP
tally.P
Every
timeP
TwainP
usedP
theP
n-word,P
IP
madeP
aP
markP
onP
aP
piecM
of paper, and when I ..nished the book, there were more
thanP
200P
marks!P
DannyP
saysP
thatP
onlyP
blackP
peopleP
can
useP
theP
n-word,P
whichP
isP
sortP
ofP
aP
universalP
truth
nowadays, so I am surprised the school board allows you
to teach such a book\
ButP
IP
didP
likeP
theP
bookP
veryP
much.P
EvenP
thoughP
ToW
ddj
E
SawyerP
shouldP
haveP
toldP
JimP
heP
wasP
freeP
rightP
away,P
I
wasP
soP
happyP
forP
JimP
atP
theP
endP
ofP
theP
novelP
whenP
he
gainedP
hisP
freedom.P
Also,P
theP
wayP
that HuckP
andP
Jim
stuck together through bad times reminded me of Danny
and Pat getting each others backs in the bad place. What
reallyP
struckP
meP
wasP
howP
HuckP
keptP
strugglingP
withP
the
ideaP
thatP
GodP
didP
notP
wantP
himP
toP
helpP
JimP
runP
away,
becauseP
JimP
wasP
aP
slave.P
IP
realizeP
peopleP
hadP
di..erenN
valuesP
backP
then,P
andP
thatP
theP
churchP
andP
government
approved of slavery, but Huck really impressed me when
he said if helping free Jim meant going to hell, he wouldgo to hell\
When I read your letter, I cried for a long time. I knowIP
wasP
aP
badP
husband,P
andP
IP
amP
notP
madP
atP
youP
for
cheatingP
onP
meP
orP
leavingP
meP
orP
evenP
remarrying.P
You
deserveP
toP
beP
happy.P
AndP
ifP
youP
areP
marriedP
now,P
your
getting back together with me would be a sin, because it
wouldP
meanP
thatP
weP
wouldP
beP
committingP
adultery,
evenP
thoughP
IP
stillP
thinkP
ofP
youP
asP
myP
wife.P
These
thoughtsP
makeP
meP
feelP
dizzy,P
asP
ifP
IP
amP
spinningP
outP
of
control.P
TheseP
thoughtsP
makeP
meP
wantP
toP
bangP
myP
..st
againstP
theP
littleP
whiteP
scarP
aboveP
myP
rightP
eyebrow,
which itches every time I get confused or agitated. To use
yourP
metaphorP
P
sinceP
IP
canP
remember,P
IP
haveP
been
drivingP
onP
aP
darkP
highway,P
passingP
endlessP
dashesP
ang
lines.P
EverythingP
elseP
hasP
onlyP
beenP
aP
pitP
stopfamily,
Eagles,P
dancing,P
myP
workouts.P
IP
haveP
beenP
driving
toward you the whole time, only desiring one thingouO
g
l,ld
reunion.P
AndP
nowP
IP
..nallyP
realizeP
ImP
tryingP
toP
wooP
`
married woman, which I know is a sin. But I dont think
youP
understandP
howP
hardP
IP
workedP
forP
thisP
happy
ending.P
IP
amP
veryP
..t,P
andP
amP
nowP
practicingP
beingP
kind
rather than right. I am not the man you were married to
for all those lonely years. I am a better man. A man who
willP
takeP
youP
dancingP
andP
willP
giveP
upP
sportsP
entirely
coachingP
andP
EaglesifP
thatP
makesP
youP
happy.P
My
conscienceP
tellsP
meP
thatP
IP
shouldP
notP
continueP
toP
pursuM
these feelings, but yourP
telling meP
to readP
Twains novel
madeP
meP
thinkP
thatP
maybeP
youP
wereP
givingP
meP
aP
sign.
HuckP
thoughtP
heP
shouldntP
helpP
JimP
escape, butP
he
followedP
hisP
heart,P
heP
freedP
Jim,P
andP
thatP
isP
whatP
ledP
to
theP
happyP
ending.P
SoP
maybeP
youP
areP
tellingP
meP
inP
ae
indirectP
wayP
thatP
IP
shouldP
followP
myP
heart?P
WhyP
else
wouldP
youP
speci..callyP
recommendP
TheP
AdventuresP
of
Huckleberry Finn to meo
Also,P
ourP
timeP
togetherP
wasntP
allP
bad.P
MaybeP
theP
end
wasP
grim,P
butP
rememberP
theP
beginning?P
Remember
college?P
RememberP
whenP
weP
droveP
toP
MassachusettsP
in
the middle of the night? It was the Friday after midterms
and we were watching one of those travel shows on PBS,
because we both thought we would travel back then. All
ourP
friendsP
hadP
goneP
toP
theP
rugbyP
houseP
forP
aP
party,P
buN
weP
stayedP
inP
togetherP
forP
aP
nightP
ofP
pizzaP
andP
wineP
on
theP
couchP
ofP
myP
townP
house.P
WeP
wereP
watchingP
thaN
showP
aboutP
whaleP
watchingP
o..P
theP
coastP
ofP
Marthas
Vineyard,P
andP
youP
askedP
meP
ifP
theyP
madeP
wineP
ie
q
d[
g
g
d
MarthasP
Vineyard.P
IP
saidP
theP
NewP
EnglandP
growing
seasonP
wouldP
beP
tooP
shortP
toP
getP
theP
properP
typesP
oU
grapes,P
butP
youP
insistedP
thatP
thereP
mustP
beP
aP
vineyard
there if the island was called Marthas Vineyard. We had
thisP
reallyP
heatedP
fakeP
argumentlaughingP
andP
hitting
eachP
otherP
withP
pillowsandP
thenP
suddenlyP
weP
wereP
in
my old Taurus, driving north\
ImP
sureP
youP
didntP
thinkP
IP
wasP
reallyP
goingP
toP
drive
youP
allP
theP
wayP
toP
MassachusettsP
withoutP
aP
changeP
oU
clothesP
orP
toiletries,P
butP
soonP
weP
wereP
overP
theP
Tappan
ZeeP
Bridge,P
andP
youP
wereP
smiling,P
andP
IP
wasP
holding
your hand\
We never made it to Marthas Vineyard, but we spent a
prettyP
wildP
weekendP
inP
anP
economyP
motelP
justP
outside
of Cape Cod. Do you remember walking on the beach in
March?P
OurP
lovemakingP
smellingP
likeP
decadesP
worth
other peoples cigarette smoke as we enjoyed each other
over and over in that motel room? Remember how when
weP
jumpedP
onP
theP
mattress,P
smokeP
seemedP
toP
leakP
out
theP
sides?P
TheP
lobsterP
dinnerP
weP
splurgedP
forP
atP
that
cheesy restaurant called Captain Bobs, where the waiters
wore eye patcheso
WeP
alwaysP
saidP
weP
wereP
goingP
toP
returnP
to
Massachusetts,P
takeP
theP
ferry,P
andP
seeP
ifP
Marthas
VineyardP
actuallyP
hadP
vineyards.P
WhyP
didntP
weP
doP
this
then?P
ProbablyP
becauseP
weP
hadP
classP
onP
Monday
morning.P
ButP
IP
wishP
weP
hadP
takenP
thatP
ferryP
whenP
we
hadP
theP
chance.P
WhatP
wasP
theP
worstP
thingP
thatP
coulg
g
ld
haveP
happened?P
WeP
wouldP
haveP
missedP
class.P
ItP
seems
soP
sillyP
nowP
toP
driveP
allP
theP
wayP
toP
CapeP
CodP
withP
the
intention of taking the ferry to Marthas Vineyard only to
spendP
theP
weekendP
inP
anP
economyP
motelP
onP
the
mainland\
WhatP
ImP
tryingP
toP
sayP
isP
thatP
maybeP
weP
canP
stillP
take
the ferry, Nikki. Maybe its not too late\
IP
knowP
thisP
isP
allP
soP
complicatedP
rightP
now.P
ButP
there
mustP
beP
aP
reasonP
thatP
weP
areP
inP
contactP
again.P
TherM
mustP
beP
aP
reasonP
thatP
IP
lostP
myP
memoryP
andP
thenP
was
..lled with a vicious need to improve myself. There must
beP
aP
reasonP
ifP
Ti..anyP
wasP
ableP
toP
arrangeP
thisP
letter
exchange.P
AllP
ImP
askingP
isP
thatP
youP
keepP
theP
possibility
ofP
aP
reunionP
openP
asP
weP
continueP
toP
communicatM
through our liaison\
MyP
therapistP
Cli..P
saysP
heP
feelsP
asP
thoughP
IP
amP
poiseg
forP
aP
breakthrough,P
andP
heP
feelsP
heP
hasP
stabilizedP
my
violentP
tendenciesP
withP
medications.P
IP
knowP
thatP
inP
my
writingsP
IP
mentionedP
spittingP
outP
manyP
ofP
myP
meds
when I first came home, but I am taking all my pills now
andP
canP
feelP
myP
mentalP
healthP
stabilizing.P
EveryP
dayP
I
feelP
asP
thoughP
IP
amP
gettingP
closerP
toP
regainingP
my
memory of our demise. And no matter what I remember
noP
matterP
whatP
reallyP
happenedP
betweenP
usitP
will
notP
changeP
howP
IP
feelP
aboutP
you.P
YouP
areP
livingP
with
anotherP
man,P
youP
areP
remarriedwhatP
couldP
beP
worse?
I still love you. I will always love you andP
am only now
ready to prove my love for you\
g
j
IP
hopeP
thisP
noteP
wasP
conciseP
enough,P
asP
IP
triedP
verh
hardP
toP
keep itP
underP
..veP
pagesP
andP
wasP
successful.P
I
miss you so much, Nikki. Every freckle on your beautiful
nose\
Love[
Pat, Your Sexy Stud Muffie
(Remember that from the wedding video?x
Letter #4-November 29, 200]
Dear Pat[
Ti..any informs me you are sincere, and from what she
hasP
toldP
meP
aboutP
yourP
newP
personality,P
itP
seemsP
a
thoughP
youP
areP
aP
completelyP
transformedP
man.P
WhetheO
thisP
isP
theP
resultP
ofP
theP
accident,P
therapy,P
medication,P
or
simplyP
sheerP
willpower,P
youP
areP
toP
beP
congratulated[
because this is no small feat%
FirstP
allowP
meP
toP
sayP
IP
recommendedP
HuckP
FinnP
foO
yourP
readingP
enjoymentP
only.P
IP
wasP
notP
tryingP
toP
send
youP
aP
hiddenP
message.P
BasedP
onP
everythingP
youP
have
writtenP
andP
whatP
Ti..anyP
hasP
toldP
memaybeP
yo
shouldP
readP
TheP
CatcherP
inP
theP
Rye.P
ItsP
aboutP
aP
youn$
boyP
namedP
HoldenP
whoP
hasP
aP
hardP
timeP
copingP
wit5
reality.P
HoldenP
wantsP
toP
liveP
inP
aP
childhoodP
worldP
foO
the rest of his life, which makes him a very beautiful and
interesting character, but one who has trouble ..nding his
placeP
inP
theP
realP
world.P
AtP
present,P
itP
seemsP
asP
thoug5
youP
areP
havingP
aP
hardP
timeP
dealingP
withP
reality.P
PartP
o
meP
thrillsP
atP
theP
changesP
youP
haveP
made,P
becauseP
your
lettersP
reallyP
doP
presentP
aP
betterP
man.P
ButP
IP
alsoP
worr
thatP
thisP
worldviewP
youP
haveP
developedP
isP
fragile,P
an
may be what kept you in the neural health facility for sU
manyP
yearsP
andP
isP
keepingP
youP
inP
yourP
parentsH
basementP
forP
soP
manyP
months.P
AtP
someP
pointP
youP
arM
goingP
toP
haveP
toP
leaveP
theP
basement,P
Pat.P
YouP
areP
goin$
to have to get a job and earn money again, and then you
might not be able to be the person you have been for thM
last few months%
OfP
courseP
IP
rememberP
Massachusetts.P
WeP
wereP
so
young, and the memory is beautiful. Ill carry it with me
forever.P
ButP
weP
WEREP
CHILDREN,P
Pat.P
ThatP
wasP
morM
thanP
aP
decadeP
ago.P
ImP
notP
theP
typeP
ofP
womanP
whU
wouldP
sleepP
inP
anP
economyP
motelP
anymore.P
MaybeP
yo
have again become the type of man who would whisk _
womanP
awayP
toP
MarthasP
Vineyard.P
MaybeP
youP
arM
experiencingP
someP
sortP
ofP
secondP
childhood.P
IP
dont
know.P
ButP
IP
doP
knowP
youP
willP
NOTP
beP
experiencingP
_
secondP
childhoodP
withP
me.P
IP
amP
notP
aP
child,P
Pat.P
ImP
_
womanP
whoP
lovesP
herP
currentP
husbandP
veryP
much.P
M
aimP
whenP
IP
agreedP
toP
writeP
youP
wasP
neverP
toP
allowP
yo
aP
secondP
chance.P
MyP
goalP
wasP
notP
toP
allowP
youP
tU
reenter my life. I only wanted to give you a chance to say
goodbyetoP
resolveP
anyP
unresolvedP
issues.P
IP
wantP
toP
bM
clear about this%
Nikkb
Letter #5-December 3, 200\
Dear NikkiY
TheP
nightP
afterP
theP
TennesseeP
TitansP
destroyedP
the
EaglesP
onP
theirP
homeP
turfaP
gameP
inP
whichP
Donovan
McNabb tore his ACL, ending his season and maybe even
hisP
careerAndreP
WatersP
shotP
himselfP
toP
death.P
IP
realize
youP
dontP
careP
aboutP
anyP
ofP
this,P
butP
WatersP
wasP
oneP
of
my favorite players back when I was a teenager. He was
a big part of the Gang Green Defense. People called him
DirtyP
WatersP
becauseP
heP
wasP
..nedP
soP
muchP
forP
hitting
too hard. And when I was a kid, Waters was a god to me.
JakeP
saysP
WatersP
probablyP
killedP
himselfP
afterP
watching
theP
EaglesP
playP
soP
poorlyP
againstP
theP
Titans,P
whichP
was
not a funny thing to say at all. My father is not talking to
anyone,P
becauseP
heP
isP
upsetP
aboutP
McNabbsP
injury,
whichP
willP
mostP
likelyP
ruinP
theP
EaglesP
chancesP
of
makingP
theP
play-o..s.P
MyP
newP
favoriteP
player,P
Hank
Baskett,P
isP
notP
gettingP
manyP
ballsP
thrownP
toP
him
anymore,P
butP
heP
actuallyP
threw anP
interceptionP
duringP
]
stupidP
trickP
playP
duringP
theP
IndyP
ColtsP
winP
overP
thM
ig
_
]
g
_
g
_
BirdsP
justP
thisP
pastP
weekend.P
AndP
ofP
course,P
thereP
was
also your last lettert
SoP
ImP
thinkingP
thisP
isP
theP
partP
ofP
myP
movieP
wherM
thingsP
appearP
asP
ifP
nothingP
isP
goingP
toP
workP
out.P
IP
have
toP
remindP
myselfP
thatP
allP
movieP
charactersP
goP
through
thisP
sortP
ofP
darkP
periodP
beforeP
theyP
..ndP
theirP
happy
endingt
ItP
wasP
hardP
toP
waitP
twoP
weeksP
forP
yourP
reply.P
Your
letterP
madeP
meP
veryP
sad,P
andP
inP
theP
pastP
twenty-four
hours I have written my reply at least a hundred timest
IP
dontP
knowP
ifP
Ti..anyP
readP
youP
theP
partP
ofP
my
memoirP
whereP
IP
describedP
myP
therapistsP
o..ce,P
butP
he
hasP
twoP
leatherP
reclinersoneP
black,P
oneP
brown.P
My
therapist lets his patients choose which seat they want to
sitP
inP
justP
soP
heP
canP
seeP
whatP
typeP
ofP
moodP
weP
areP
int
Ive been picking the black one latelyt
Ive read certain parts of your letters to Cli..thats my
therapistsP
name.P
HeP
doesntP
knowP
aboutP
Ti..anys
involvement,P
becauseP
IP
promisedP
herP
thatP
IP
wouldP
not
tellP
anyoneP
thatP
sheP
hasP
agreedP
toP
actP
asP
ourP
liaison.
WhenP
Cli..P
askedP
howP
IP
wasP
ableP
toP
makeP
contactP
with
you,P
I refusedP
to answer.P
I hopeP
that youP
dont mind my
readingP
someP
ofP
yourP
wordsP
toP
myP
therapist.P
ItsP
funny.
Cli..P
keepsP
hintingP
thatP
IP
shouldP
pursueP
aP
relationship
with Ti..any. And I know Ti..any is reading this letter to
you, so this part will be awkward for everyone involved,
butP
Ti..anyP
willP
justP
haveP
toP
dealP
withP
itP
becauseP
thisP
if
iaij]
d]
ii]
i_
whatP
beingP
aP
liaisonP
requires,P
andP
IP
alreadyP
dancedP
so
well, fulfilling my end of the bargaint
Cli..P
saysP
thatP
Ti..anyP
andP
IP
haveP
aP
lotP
inP
commonP
at
this point and that you and I have very little in common,
becauseP
weP
areP
inP
veryP
di..erentP
places.P
IP
thoughtP
he
meantP
thatP
youP
wereP
inP
MarylandP
andP
IP
wasP
inP
Ne8
Jersey,P
butP
itP
turnsP
outP
heP
meansP
thatP
IP
amP
stillP
..ghting
to regain my mental health, and you are mentally stable.
IP
askedP
Cli..P
whyP
heP
wouldP
wantP
meP
toP
pursueP
a
relationshipP
withP
someoneP
whoP
isP
asP
mentallyP
unstable
as me, and he said that you were not able to support me
inP
theP
wayP
IP
neededP
toP
beP
supported, whichP
isP
whyP
ouO
marriage failed. I got very mad at Cliff when he said that,
especiallyP
sinceP
IP
amP
theP
oneP
toP
blame,P
butP
heP
insisted
thatP
youP
allowedP
meP
toP
becomeP
theP
personP
IP
wasP
by
enablingP
meneverP
puttingP
meP
inP
myP
placeP
and
allowingP
meP
toP
emotionallyP
abuseP
youP
forP
soP
long.P
He
saysP
thatP
Ti..anyP
willP
notP
allowP
meP
toP
doP
thisP
andP
that
ourP
friendshipP
isP
basedP
onP
aP
mutualP
needP
andP
a
commitmentP
toP
betteringP
ourselvesP
throughP
physical
fitness and dancet
Ti..any and I are great friends, and I appreciate all that
sheP
isP
doingP
forP
meP
now.P
ButP
sheP
isP
notP
you.P
IP
stillP
lovM
you, Nikki. And you cant control or alter true lovet
MomP
checkedP
outP
TheP
CatcherP
inP
theP
Rye fromP
the
CollingswoodP
PublicP
Library.P
IP
likedP
HoldenP
Caul..eld
very much and felt a lot of sympathy for him because he
reallyP
wasP
aP
niceP
guy,P
alwaysP
tryingP
toP
doP
rightP
byP
hif
aaa_
aa_
d_
_
sisterP
Phoebe,P
yetP
alwaysP
failing,P
likeP
whenP
heP
bought
that record for Phoebe and broke it before he could give
itP
toP
her.P
IP
alsoP
likedP
howP
heP
wasP
alwaysP
soP
worried
aboutP
whatP
theP
NYCP
ducksP
doP
inP
winter.P
WhereP
doP
they
go?P
ButP
myP
favoriteP
partP
wasP
theP
ending,P
whenP
Holden
takes his sister to the carousel and she rides on the horse
andP
triesP
toP
reachP
forP
theP
goldP
ring.P
HoldenP
says,P
IP
was
sortP
ofP
afraidP
shedP
fallP
o..P
theP
goddamnP
horse,P
butP
I
didntP
sayP
anythingP
orP
doP
anything.P
TheP
thingP
withP
kids
is,P
if theyP
want to grabP
for theP
gold ring, youP
have toP
let
them do it, and not say anything. If they fall o.., they fall
o..,P
butP
itsP
badP
ifP
youP
sayP
anythingP
toP
them.P
WhenP
I
readP
this,P
IP
thoughtP
aboutP
yourP
writingP
thatP
IP
wasP
inP
mi
secondP
childhoodP
andP
thatP
IP
wouldP
haveP
toP
leaveP
the
basementP
someday.P
ButP
thenP
IP
thoughtP
aboutP
howP
my
improvingP
myselfP
andP
learningP
howP
toP
danceP
with
Ti..any was like reaching for the gold ring, which is you.
Nikki, you are my gold ring. So maybe I willP
fall o.. the
goddamn carousel, but I have to reach for you, rightr
IP
wantP
toP
seeP
you.P
IP
wantP
toP
talkP
toP
youP
face-to-face.
Just once. Afterward, if you never want to see me again,
I can live with that. Just give me one chance to show you
how much I have changed. Just one chance. One face-to-
face meeting. Pleaset
LoveY
PaN
Letter #6-December 13, 200R
Dear PatZ
ImP
sorryP
yourP
childhoodP
heroP
committedP
suicide.P
IV
sorryP
McNabbP
wasP
injured.P
AndP
IP
amP
especiallyP
sadP
to
hearP
thatP
yourP
fatherP
isP
stillP
allowingP
theP
resultsP
of
footballP
gamesP
toP
governP
theP
relationshipsP
heP
hasP
with
his immediate family. Your poor, poor motheri
YourP
decisionP
toP
revealP
yourP
therapistsP
viewa
regardingP
Ti..anyP
madeP
forP
anP
awkwardP
phone
conversation.P
ItP
isP
obviousP
thatP
Ti..anyP
caresP
forP
you
enoughP
toP
putP
togetherP
thisP
exchangeP
ofP
letters.P
IP
hope
you will protect her legally by refraining from discussing
theP
arrangementP
furtherP
withP
yourP
therapistP
orP
anyone
else. You do realize that by showing Cli.. my letters, you
haveP
putP
meP
inP
aP
precariousP
legalP
position.P
IP
amP
not
allowed to make contact with you by law, remember? So
this will be my last letter. Sorryi
RegardingP
HoldenP
Caul..eldP
andP
theP
goldP
ringP
Phoebe
reaches for at the end of the novel, please dont think oq
]
q
]
q
g
pg
]
,
f
meP
asP
yourP
goldenP
ring.P
IP
amP
yourP
ex-wife.P
IP
wishP
yod
well,P
butP
yourP
therapistP
wasP
rightP
toP
sayP
weP
are
incompatiblei
IP
canP
seeP
clearlyP
weP
areP
notP
movingP
towardP
closure,
whichP
makesP
meP
regretP
openingP
upP
thisP
dialogue.P
My
onlyP
hopeP
isP
thatP
somedayafterP
youP
haveP
stabilized
yourP
mentalP
healthyouP
willP
takeP
comfortP
inP
theP
fact
thatP
IP
reachedP
outP
toP
youP
afterP
allP
thatP
happened.P
IP
wise
you well in this world, Pati
Goodbyei
Nikkf
Letter #7-December 14, 200]
Dear NikkiZ
IP
believeP
inP
happyP
endingsP
withP
allP
myP
heart.P
Ive
workedP
tooP
hardP
onP
self-improvementP
toP
giveP
upP
onP
my
movie now. Remember where I asked you to marry me?
Meet me there on Christmas Day at dusk. This is the only
thing I will ever ask of you. But I feel as though you owe
me this one last request. Please9
LoveZ
PaN
This Square in My Hanc
MyX
fatherX
refusesX
toX
goX
withX
Mom,X
soX
IX
putX
onX
theX
neh
suitX
sheX
boughtX
meX
earlierX
thisX
monthX
andX
accompany
herX
toX
theX
candlelitX
MassX
atX
St.X
Josephs.X
ItX
isX
aX
crisp
night, but we walk the few blocks required, and soon we
are in the very sanctuary where I was con..rmed so many
yearsX
ago.X
RowsX
ofX
redX
andX
whiteX
poinsettiasX
areX
lined
upX
onX
theX
altar,X
andX
antiqueX
wrought-ironX
lampsX
stand
guardX
atX
theX
endsX
ofX
theX
pews,X
justX
likeX
everyX
other
ChristmasX
Eve.X
TheX
candlelightX
makesX
theX
stoneX
building
lookX
evenX
moreX
antiquatedalmostX
medieval.X
And
sitting down in the pew again reminds me of when Jake
andX
IX
wereX
justX
boys.X
WedX
comeX
toX
ChristmasX
EveX
Mass
soX
excitedX
forX
theX
nextX
day,X
readyX
toX
tearX
intoX
allX
thos^
presents.X
ButX
tonightX
itsX
justX
MomX
andX
me,X
asX
JakeX
and
CaitlinX
areX
spendingX
ChristmasX
EveX
inX
NewX
YorkX
Citywith Caitlins parents, and Dad is home drinking beerp
AfterX
someX
announcementsX
andX
ChristmasX
hymns,X
thepriestX
talksX
aboutX
starsX
andX
angelsX
andX
mangersX
and
donkeys and miracles, and somewhere in the story, I stare
nq
_
]
j
_
]
_
]
j
rprayingp
Dear God, I know it would take a miracle to get NikkitoX
showX
upX
tomorrowX
atX
theX
placeX
whereX
weX
were
engaged,X
butX
luckyX
forX
me,X
YouX
andX
IX
bothX
believeX
in
miracles.X
As IX
sitX
hereX
thinkingX
aboutX
this,X
IX
wonderX
if
YouX
actuallyX
believeX
inX
miracles,X
sinceX
YouX
areX
all-
powerfulX
andX
canX
doX
anything.X
SoX
technically,X
Your
makingX
NikkiX
showX
upX
tomorrowX
orX
puttingX
BabyX
Jesus
insideX
ofX
theX
VirginX
MaryX
isX
noX
moreX
di..cultX
forX
You
than,X
say,X
watchingX
anX
EaglesX
gamewhichX
hasX
been
prettyX
easyX
sinceX
backupX
QBX
Je..X
GarciaX
hasX
managedX
to
win three straight. Its sort of funny when I think about it
now.X
IfX
YouX
createdX
theX
worldX
inX
onlyX
aX
week,X
sending
Your Son down to do a mission must have been no sweat
forX
You.X
ButX
IX
amX
stillX
gladX
YouX
tookX
theX
timeX
toX
send
JesusX
toX
teachX
usX
allX
aboutX
miracles,X
becauseX
the
possibilityX
ofX
miraclesX
happeningX
keepsX
aX
lotX
ofX
people
moving forward down here. I dont have to tell You that
IX
haveX
beenX
workingX
prettyX
hardX
onX
betteringX
myself
sinceX
apartX
timeX
began.X
IX
actuallyX
wantX
toX
thankX
YouX
for
disrupting my life, because I would never have taken the
time to improve my character if I did not getX
sent to the
badX
place,X
norX
wouldX
IX
haveX
metX
Cli..,X
orX
evenX
Ti..any
forX
thatX
matter,X
andX
IX
knowX
thisX
journeyX
hasX
beenX
forX
a
reason.X
IX
trustX
thatX
thereX
isX
aX
divineX
planX
inX
e..ect,X
and
that is why I believe You will make sure Nikki shows up
tomorrow.X
IX
wantX
toX
thankX
YouX
inX
advanceX
forX
helping
meX
getX
myX
wifeX
back.X
IX
amX
lookingX
forwardX
toX
theX
yearW
g
kp
q
ng
]
]
r
ahead,X
whenX
IX
canX
treatX
NikkiX
howX
aX
womanX
shouldX
be
treated.X
Also,X
ifX
itX
isX
notX
tooX
muchX
trouble,X
pleaseX
allow
theX
EaglesX
toX
winX
onX
ChristmasX
Day,X
becauseX
aX
winX
over
theX
CowboysX
willX
putX
theX
EaglesX
inX
..rstX
placeX
andX
then
myX
dadX
mightX
beX
inX
aX
goodX
moodX
andX
maybeX
heX
will
evenX
talkX
toX
MomX
andX
me.X
ItsX
strange,X
evenX
withX
the
BirdsX
inX
play-o..X
contention,X
DadX
hasX
beenX
aX
grinchX
this
holidayX
season,X
andX
itX
hasX
reallyX
madeX
MomX
sad.X
Ive
caughtX
herX
cryingX
severalX
times,X
butX
YouX
probably
already know that since You are all-knowing. I love You,
Godp
I cross myself just as the priest ..nishes the homily, andthenX
theX
candlesX
areX
passedX
outX
andX
lightedX
whileX
the
peopleX
singX
SilentX
Night.X
MomX
isX
sortX
ofX
leaning
againstX
me,X
soX
IX
throwX
anX
armX
aroundX
herX
shoulderX
and
giveX
her aX
little squeeze.X
She looksX
up atX
me and smiles.
MyX
goodX
boy,X
herX
lipsX
mouth,X
bathedX
inX
candlelight,
and then we both join in with the singingp
My father is in bed asleep when we return home. Mompours some eggnog and plugs i
n the lights, and we sip in
theX
glowX
ofX
theX
ChristmasX
tree.X
MomX
talksX
aboutX
allX
the
ornamentsX
JakeX
andX
IX
madeX
asX
littleX
kids.X
SheX
keeps
pointingX
toX
paintedX
pinecones,X
littleX
Popsicle-stick
pictureX
framesX
withX
ourX
gradeX
schoolX
photosX
inside,X
and
reindeersX
madeX
fromX
clothespinsX
andX
pipeX
cleaners.
RememberX
whenX
youX
madeX
thisX
inX
so-and-sosX
class?
sheX
keepsX
saying,X
andX
IX
nodX
everyX
time,X
evenX
thoughX
k
dont remember making any of the ornaments.X
Its funna
_
]
]
q
ng
_
r_
_
p
unn
howX
MomX
remembersX
everythingX
aboutX
JakeX
andX
me,
andX
somehowX
IX
knowX
thatX
NikkiX
willX
neverX
loveX
meX
as
muchnoX
matterX
howX
muchX
IX
improveX
myX
character
and thats what I really truly love about my momp
Just when we are ..nishing the last sips of our eggnog,
theX
doorbellX
rings.X
WhoX
couldX
thatX
be?X
MomX
asksX
inX
a
dramatic way, suggesting she knows exactly who it could
bep
IX
startX
toX
getX
excitedX
becauseX
IX
thinkX
thatX
itX
mightX
be
Nikki, that Mom has arranged the best Christmas present
ever.X
ButX
whenX
IX
answerX
theX
door,X
itsX
onlyX
Ronnie,
Veronica, Ti..any, and little Emily. They all but skip into
theX
foyerX
andX
startX
singing,X
WeX
wishX
youX
aX
Merry
Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you
a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. At this point
Ti..anyX
stopsX
singing,X
butX
RonnieX
andX
VeronicaX
continue
to belt out the ..rst verse, and my mother is all smiles as
sheX
listensX
toX
theX
goodX
tidingsX
theyX
bring.X
LittleX
Emily
looksX
likeX
anX
Eskimo,X
allX
bundledX
up,X
butX
herX
parents
singingX
makesX
herX
littleX
round faceX
lookX
content.X
IX
can
evenX
seeX
theX
ChristmasX
treeX
lightsX
re..ectedX
inX
herX
dark
eyes.X
AsX
theyX
sing,X
RonniesX
familyX
looksX
likeX
aX
happy
one, and I envy my friendp
Ti..anyX
isX
lookingX
atX
herX
feet,X
butX
sheX
rejoinsX
the
singing when they get to the chorus againp
TheX
songX
endsX
withX
RonnieX
holdingX
theX
lastX
noteX
tof
long,X
butX
myX
motherX
clapsX
anyway,X
andX
thenX
weX
areX
aln
ngj
[
]
_
j
_
_
r
seated around the Christmas tree drinking more eggnogp
MaybeX
youX
wantX
toX
giveX
yourX
friendsX
theirX
presents,
Mom saysp
MomX
hadX
takenX
meX
shoppingX
manyX
timesX
inX
theX
past
fewX
weeks,X
andX
weX
pickedX
outX
presentsX
forX
theX
people
whoX
haveX
helpedX
meX
getX
better,X
becauseX
MomX
saysX
itW
importantX
toX
recognizeX
theX
specialX
peopleX
inX
yourX
life
around the holidays. Cli.. loved his Eagles dartboard, and
itX
turnsX
outX
thatX
VeronicaX
andX
Ti..anyX
bothX
likeX
the
perfumeX
weX
purchasedthankX
God,X
asX
IX
didX
sni..X
just
aboutX
everyX
bottleX
inX
theX
CherryX
HillX
Mall.X
RonnieX
loves
theX
o..cialX
NFLX
leatherX
footballX
IX
pickedX
outX
forX
himX
so
that he can work on his throws, and little Emily hugs the
stu..edX
eagleX
wearingX
anX
EaglesX
jerseyX
thatX
IX
pickedX
out
specialX
forX
her,X
andX
sheX
evenX
beginsX
toX
chewX
onX
the
yellowX
beakX
justX
asX
soonX
asX
sheX
..nishesX
rippingX
o..X
the
paperp
ForX
myX
momsX
sake,X
IX
keepX
hopingX
myX
fatherX
might
come downstairs and join the party, but he doesntp
And we have a present for you too, Ronnie tells me.
ComeX
on,X
Em.X
LetsX
giveX
G
ncleX
PatX
hisX
present.X
He
handsX
EmilyX
aX
box,X
whichX
isX
tooX
heavyX
forX
herX
toX
carry,
evenX
thoughX
sheX
isX
walkingX
prettyX
wellX
now,X
soX
heX
anc
Emily both carry the present over to mep
ForX
Pap!X
EmilyX
says,X
andX
thenX
startsX
toX
ripX
o..X
the
wrapping paperp
YouX
wantX
toX
helpX
me?X
IX
askX
her,X
andX
sheX
tearsX
th^
[
_
q
rj
_
r
rest of the paper off as everyone watchesp
OnceX
EmilyX
..nishesX
withX
theX
paper,X
IX
openX
theX
box
andX
..shX
throughX
theX
StyrofoamX
peanutsX
andX
..ndX
what
feelsX
likeX
aX
plaqueX
ofX
someX
sort.X
IX
pullX
itX
outX
ofX
the
peanutsX
andX
canX
seeX
itX
isX
aX
framedX
pictureX
ofX
Hank
Baskett. Hes in the end zone with a football in his handp
It was taken during the Dallas game, Ronnie saysp
Read whats written on the picture, says Veronicap
To Patj
Youre on the road to victoryH
Hank Baskett #8L
ThisX
isX
theX
greatestX
presentX
ever!X
HowX
didX
youX
get
Baskett to sign the picture?G
VeronicasX
cousinsX
aX
barber,X
RonnieX
explains,X
and
oneX
ofX
hisX
customersX
worksX
forX
theX
EaglesX
promotions
department,X
soX
weX
wereX
ableX
toX
pullX
aX
fewX
strings.
VinnieX
saidX
thatX
thisX
wasX
theX
..rstX
requestX
hisX
contactX
got
forX
aX
BaskettX
autograph,X
andX
BaskettX
wasX
actuallyX
pretty
excitedX
toX
getX
aX
speci..cX
request,X
sinceX
hisX
autographX
is
not in such high demand.G
Thanks,X
Ronnie,X
IX
say,X
andX
thenX
weX
giveX
eachX
other
one-armed manly hugsp
MerryX
Christmas,X
RonnieX
saysX
toX
meX
asX
heX
thumps
my backp
kp
Well, I hate to break up the party, but we need to get
EmilyX
inX
bedX
beforeX
SantaX
comesX
downX
theX
chimney,
Veronica saysp
AsX
theyX
putX
onX
theirX
coats,X
myX
momX
isX
puttingX
their
presentsX
intoX
aX
holidayX
bagX
withX
fancyX
handlesX
and
thankingX
everyoneX
forX
comingX
over,X
saying,X
YouX
dont
know how much it means to Pat and me. Youve been so
good to us this year. Youre good peoplep
AllX
ofX
you.X
SuchX
greatX
people.X
AndX
thenX
MomX
isX
crying
again, saying,X
Im sorry. Thanks. Merry Christmas. Dont
mind me. God bless you.G
JustX
beforeX
everyoneX
leaves,X
Ti..anyX
grabsX
myX
hand,
kisses me on the cheek, and says, Merry Christmas, Pat.
WhenX
sheX
pullsX
herX
palmX
awayX
fromX
mine,X
IX
haveX
a
squareX
inX
myX
hand,X
butX
theX
lookX
inX
Ti..anysX
eyes
commands silence, so I stick the square in my pocket and
say goodbye to Ronnies familyp
IX
helpX
myX
motherX
cleanX
upX
theX
wrappingX
paperX
and
emptyX
eggnogX
mugs,X
andX
thenX
sheX
catchesX
meX
underX
the
mistletoeX
inX
theX
hallway.X
ShesX
pointingX
upX
andX
smiling,
soX
IX
kissX
herX
goodX
night,X
andX
sheX
reachesX
upX
toX
hugX
me.
ImX
soX
gladX
IX
haveX
youX
inX
myX
lifeX
rightX
now,X
Pat,X
my
motherX
saysX
toX
me,X
..exingX
herX
armX
musclesX
soX
hard,
pullingX
myX
headX
downX
soX
thatX
herX
shoulderX
jutsX
upX
into
my throat and it becomes a little harder to breathep
InX
myX
room,X
byX
theX
lightX
ofX
theX
electricX
Christmas
candleX
MomX
hasX
stuckX
inX
myX
windowX
forX
theX
holidaa
_
uq
_
nr
season, I unfold the note Tiffany passed mep
Letter #8-December 24, 200\
Dear PatZ
IP
wontP
beP
comingP
onP
Christmas.P
IP
wontP
beP
comine
ever.P
MoveP
on.P
StartP
over.P
Ti..anyP
andP
yourP
familyP
wil}
helpP
youP
throughP
this.P
GoodbyeP
forP
realP
thisP
time.P
IP
will
notP
be writingP
more, norP
will IP
be takingP
any more calls
from Ti..any, because I do not appreciate her yelling and
cursingP
atP
meP
onP
yourP
behalf.P
DoP
notP
tryP
toP
contactP
me.
The restraining order is still in effecti
Nikkd
An Episode Seems InevitablJ
IC
riseC
beforeC
dawnC
onC
ChristmasC
morningC
andC
beginC
my
weight-lifting routine. I am nervous about being reunited
withC
NikkiC
today,C
soC
IC
double-timeC
myC
exercisesC
inC
an
e..ortC
toC
workC
o..C
myC
anxiety.C
IC
realizeC
theC
noteC
Ti..anY
gaveC
meC
lastC
nightC
suggestsC
thatC
NikkiC
mightC
notC
be
interested in meeting meC
at thatC
special placeC
once dusk
rollsC
around,C
butC
IC
alsoC
knowC
thatC
inC
theC
movies,C
just
whenC
theC
mainC
characterC
isC
aboutC
toC
giveC
up,C
something
surprisingC
happens,C
whichC
leadsC
toC
theC
happyC
ending.
ImC
prettyC
sureC
thatC
thisC
isC
theC
partC
ofC
myC
movieC
when
somethingC
surprisingC
willC
happen,C
soC
IC
amC
trustingC
in
God, who I know will not let me down. If I have faith, iT
IC
goC
toC
thatC
specialC
place,C
somethingC
beautifulC
will
happen when the sun setsI can feel it\
WhenC
IC
hearC
ChristmasC
music,C
IC
stopC
liftingC
andC
go
upstairs. My mother is cooking eggs and bacon. Co..ee is
brewing.C
MerryC
Christmas,C
MomC
says,C
andC
givesC
meC
a
little kiss on the cheek. Dont forget your pills.,
[
I take the orange bottles from the cabinet and twist o..
the lids.C
AsC
IC
swallowC
myC
lastC
pill,C
myC
fatherC
comesC
intH
theC
kitchenC
andC
throwsC
theC
newspapersC
plasticC
coveS
intoC
theC
wasteC
bucket.C
WhenC
heC
turnsC
andC
headsC
forC
the
familyC
room,C
myC
motherC
says,C
MerryC
Christmas_
Patrick.,
Merry Christmas, Dad mumbles\
WeC
eatC
eggsC
andC
baconC
andC
toastC
togetherC
asC
aC
family,
but no one says much\
InC
theC
livingC
roomC
weC
sitC
aroundC
theC
tree.C
MomC
opens
herC
presentC
fromC
Dad.C
ItsC
aC
diamondC
necklaceC
froL
some department storetiny diamonds in the shape of a
heartC
onC
aC
thinC
goldC
chain.C
IC
knowC
forC
aC
factC
thatC
MoL
has a similar necklace, because she wears it almost every
day.C
MyC
fatherC
probablyC
gaveC
herC
theC
sameC
thingC
last
year,C
butC
MomC
actsC
reallyC
surprisedC
andC
says,C
Patrick,
youC
shouldntC
have,C
beforeC
sheC
kissesC
myC
fatherC
onC
the
lipsC
andC
thenC
hugsC
him.C
EvenC
thoughC
DadC
doesntC
hug
MomC
back,C
IC
canC
tellC
heC
isC
happy,C
becauseC
heC
sortC
of
smirks\
Next,C
weC
giveC
DadC
hisC
present,C
whichC
isC
fromC
both
Mom and me. He tears off the wrapping paper and holdG
upC
anC
authenticC
EaglesC
jersey,C
notC
oneC
withC
iron-on
decals.C
WhyC
doesntC
itC
haveC
anyC
numbersC
orC
aC
nameC
on
it? he asks\
SinceC
McNabbC
wentC
down,C
weC
thoughtC
youdC
wantC
to
pickC
aC
newC
favoriteC
player,C
MomC
says.C
SoC
whenC
yo[
,,
u
do,C
wellC
haveC
theC
correctC
numberC
andC
nameC
sewnC
onto
the jersey.,
Dont waste your money, Dad says, putting the jersey
backC
intoC
theC
box.C
TheyC
wontC
winC
todayC
without
McNabb.C
TheyreC
notC
goingC
toC
makeC
theC
play-o..s.C
Im
done watching that lousy excuse for a football team.,
MomC
smilesC
atC
meC
becauseC
IC
toldC
herC
thatC
DadC
would
sayC
asC
much,C
evenC
thoughC
theC
EaglesC
haveC
beenC
playing
prettyC
well.C
ButC
MomC
andC
IC
bothC
knowC
DadC
willC
be
watchingC
theC
EaglesC
playC
the CowboysC
laterC
todayC
and
willC
pickC
aC
newC
favoriteC
playerC
lateC
nextC
summerafter
watching one or two preseason gamesat which time he
willC
sayC
somethingC
like,C
Jeanie,C
wheresC
myC
authentic
EaglesC
jersey?C
IC
wantC
toC
getC
thoseC
numbersC
sewnC
on
before the season starts.,
AC
fewC
dozenC
presentsC
areC
forC
me,C
allC
ofC
whichC
MoL
bought and wrapped. I get a new Eagles sweatshirt, new
runningC
shoes,C
workoutC
clothes,C
dressC
clothes,C
aC
fewC
ties,
aC
brand-newC
leatherC
jacket,C
andC
aC
specialC
runningC
watch
thatC
willC
helpC
meC
timeC
myC
runsC
andC
willC
evenC
calculate
the calories I burn while running. And(
JesusC
Christ,C
Jeanie.C
HowC
manyC
presentsC
didC
youC
buy
theC
kid?C
DadC
says,C
butC
inC
aC
wayC
thatC
letsC
usC
knowC
heC
is
not really all that mad\
AfterC
weC
eatC
lunch,C
IC
showerC
andC
putC
onC
underarm
deodorant,C
someC
ofC
myC
fathersC
cologne,C
andC
oneC
ofC
mY
new running outfits\
[
[
Im going to try out my new watch, I tell Mom\
CaitlinC
andC
yourC
brotherC
willC
beC
hereC
inC
anC
hour,
Mom says. So dont be too long.,
I wont, I say just before I exit the house\
In the garage, I change into the dress clothes I hid therJ
earlierC
inC
theC
weektweedC
pants,C
aC
blackC
button-down
shirt,C
leatherC
loafers,C
andC
theC
expensiveC
overcoatC
mY
father no longer wears. Next, I walk to the Collingswood
PATCO stop and catch the 1:45 train to Philadelphia\
It begins to rain lightly\
I get o.. at Eighth and Market, walk through the drizzle
toC
CityC
Hall,C
andC
catchC
anC
OrangeC
LineC
trainC
headeI
north\
Not many people are on the train, and underground it
does not feel like Christmas at all. But the trash-smelling
steamC
thatC
waftsC
inC
atC
everyC
stopC
whenC
theC
doorsC
open_
theC
markerC
gra..tiC
onC
the orangeC
seatC
acrossC
fromC
me_
theC
half-eatenC
hamburgerC
lyingC
bunlessC
inC
theC
aisle
noneC
ofC
itC
bringsC
meC
down,C
becauseC
IC
amC
aboutC
toC
be
reunited with Nikki. Apart time is finally about to end\
IC
getC
o..C
atC
BroadC
andC
OlneyC
andC
climbC
theC
stepsC
up
into North Philly, where it is raining a little harder. Even
thoughC
IC
rememberC
beingC
muggedC
twiceC
nearC
this
subwayC
stopC
whenC
IC
wasC
aC
collegeC
student,C
IC
doC
not
worry,C
mostlyC
becauseC
itsC
ChristmasC
andC
IC
amC
aC
lot
stronger than I used to be when I was an undergraduate.
On Broad Street I see a few black people, which gets mJ
Q
_
thinkingC
aboutC
DannyC
andC
howC
heC
alwaysC
usedC
toC
talk
aboutC
goingC
toC
liveC
withC
hisC
auntC
inC
NorthC
PhillyC
justC
as
soonC
asC
heC
gotC
outC
ofC
theC
badC
placeespecially
wheneverC
IC
mentionedC
myC
graduatingC
fromC
LaC
Salle
<
niversity,C
whichC
isC
apparentlyC
closeC
toC
whereC
DannyG
aunt lives. I wonder if Danny ever made it out of the bad
place,C
andC
theC
thoughtC
ofC
himC
havingC
ChristmasC
inC
a
mentalC
institutionC
makesC
meC
reallyC
sadC
becauseC
Danny
was a good friend to me\
IC
stickC
myC
handsC
intoC
myC
dadsC
overcoatC
pocketsC
asC
M
walk down Olney. With the rain, it is sort of cold. Soon I
am seeing the blue-and-yellow ..ags that line the campus
streets,C
andC
itC
makesC
meC
feelC
happyC
andC
sadC
atC
theC
samJ
timeC
toC
beC
backC
atC
LaC
SallealmostC
likeC
lookingC
atC
old
picturesC
ofC
peopleC
whoC
haveC
eitherC
diedC
orC
withC
whom
you have lost contact\
When I get to the library, I turn left andC
walk past the
tennisC
courts,C
whereC
IC
makeC
aC
rightC
andC
strollC
pastC
the
security building\
BeyondC
theC
tennisC
courtsC
isC
aC
walled-inC
hill,C
withC
so
manyC
treesC
youdC
neverC
believeC
itC
wasC
inC
NorthC
PhillyC
if
someoneC
hadC
ledC
youC
hereC
blindfoldedC
andC
then
removedC
theC
blindfoldC
andC
asked,C
WhereC
doC
youC
think
you are?,
At the bottom of the hill is a Japanese teahouse, which
isC
asC
picturesqueC
asC
itC
isC
outC
ofC
placeC
inC
NorthC
Philly,
althoughC
IC
have neverC
beenC
insideC
toC
haveC
teabecausJ
[
Q
Q
u
itC
isC
aC
privateC
teahousesoC
maybeC
theC
insideC
hasC
aC
city
feel to it; I dont know. Nikki and I used to meet on this
hill,C
behindC
anC
oldC
oakC
tree,C
andC
sitC
onC
theC
grassC
for
hours.C
Surprisingly,C
notC
manyC
studentsC
hungC
outC
inC
this
spot.C
MaybeC
theyC
didC
notC
knowC
itC
wasC
there.C
MaybeC
no
oneC
elseC
thoughtC
itC
wasC
aC
niceC
spot.C
ButC
NikkiC
loved
sittingC
onC
theC
grassyC
hillC
andC
lookingC
downC
atC
thJ
JapaneseC
teahouse,C
feelingC
asC
thoughC
sheC
were
somewhereC
elseC
inC
theC
worldsomewhereC
otherC
than
NorthC
Philadelphia.C
AndC
ifC
itC
werentC
forC
theC
occasional
carC
hornC
orC
gunshotC
inC
theC
distance,C
IC
wouldC
have
believedC
IC
wasC
inC
JapanC
whenC
IC
wasC
sittingC
onC
thatC
hill,
even though I have never been to Japan and dont really
know what being in that particular country is like\
I sit down under a huge treeon a dry spot of grass
and wait\
RainC
cloudsC
swallowedC
theC
sunC
aC
longC
timeC
ago,C
but
when I look at my watch, the numbers o..cially make it
dusk\
MyC
chestC
startsC
toC
feelC
tight;C
IC
noticeC
thatC
IC
amC
shakinX
andC
breathingC
heavily.C
IC
holdC
myC
handC
outC
toC
seeC
how
badC
theC
shakesC
are,C
andC
myC
handC
isC
..appingC
likeC
thJ
wing of a bird, or maybe it is as if I am hot and trying to
fanC
myselfC
withC
myC
..ngers.C
IC
tryC
toC
makeC
itC
stop,C
anI
whenC
IC
cant,C
IC
shoveC
bothC
handsC
intoC
myC
fathers
overcoatC
pockets,C
hopingC
NikkiC
willC
notC
noticeC
my
nervousness when she shows up\
[
[
It grows darker, and then even darker\
Finally,C
IC
closeC
myC
eyes,C
andC
afterC
aC
time,C
IC
beginC
to
pray:
DearC
God:C
IfC
IC
didC
somethingC
wrong,C
pleaseC
letC
mJ
know what it was so I can make amends. As I search mY
memory,C
IC
cantC
thinkC
ofC
anythingC
thatC
wouldC
makeC
You
mad,C
exceptC
forC
myC
punchingC
theC
GiantsC
fanC
aC
few
months ago, but I already asked for forgiveness regarding
thatC
slip,C
andC
IC
thoughtC
weC
hadC
movedC
on.C
PleaseC
make
NikkiC
showC
up.C
WhenC
IC
openC
myC
eyes,C
pleaseC
letC
herC
be
there.C
MaybeC
thereC
wasC
tra..c,C
orC
sheC
forgotC
howC
toC
get
toC
LaC
Salle?C
SheC
alwaysC
usedC
toC
getC
lostC
inC
theC
city.C
Im
okay with her not showing up exactly at dusk, but please
let her know that I am still here waiting and will wait alR
nightC
ifC
IC
haveC
to.C
Please,C
God.C
IllC
doC
anything.C
IfC
You
make her show up when I open(
I smell a womans perfume\
I recognize the scent\
I breathe in deeply to ready myself\
I open my eyes\
ImC
fuckingC
sorry,C
okay?C
sheC
says,C
butC
itsC
notC
Nikki.
IC
neverC
thoughtC
itC
wouldC
leadC
toC
this.C
SoC
ImC
justC
going
toC
beC
honestC
now.C
MyC
therapistC
thoughtC
youC
wereC
stuck
inC
aC
constantC
stateC
ofC
denialC
becauseC
youC
wereC
never
a..orded closure, and I thought I might a..ord you closure
byC
pretendingC
toC
beC
Nikki.C
SoC
IC
madeC
upC
theC
whole
liaisonC
thingC
inC
anC
e..ortC
toC
provideC
youC
closure,C
hopinX
[
u_
youC
wouldC
snapC
outC
ofC
yourC
funkC
andC
wouldC
beC
ableC
to
moveC
onC
withC
yourC
lifeC
onceC
youC
understoodC
thatC
being
reunited with your ex-wife was an impossibility.C
I wrote
allC
theC
lettersC
myself. Okay?C
IC
neverC
evenC
contacteI
Nikki. She doesnt even know youre sittingC
here. Maybe
sheC
doesntC
evenC
knowC
youC
areC
outC
ofC
theC
neuralC
healthfacility. Shes not coming, Pat. Im sorry.,
ImC
staringC
upC
intoC
Ti..anysC
soaking-wetC
facewethair,C
runnyC
makeupandC
IC
canC
hardlyC
believeC
thatC
its
notC
Nikki.C
HerC
wordsC
doC
notC
registerC
atC
..rst,C
butC
when
theyC
do,C
IC
feelC
myC
chestC
heatingC
up,C
andC
anC
episode
seemsC
inevitable.C
MyC
eyesC
burn.C
MyC
faceC
..ushes.
SuddenlyC
IC
realizeC
thatC
forC
theC
pastC
twoC
monthsC
IC
have
beenC
completelyC
delusional,C
thatC
NikkiC
isC
neverC
coming
back and apart time is going to last forever\
Nikki\
Is\
Never\
Coming\
Back\
Never\
I want to hit Tiffany\
IC
wantC
toC
poundC
herC
faceC
withC
myC
knucklesC
untilC
the
bonesC
inC
myC
handsC
crumbleC
andC
Ti..anyC
isC
completely
unrecognizable,C
untilC
sheC
noC
longerC
hasC
aC
faceC
froL
[
b,u
which she can spew lies\
But everything I said in the letters was true. Nikki did
divorce you, and she is remarried, and she even took out
aC
restrainingC
orderC
againstC
you.C
IC
gotC
allC
theC
information
from,
YouC
liar!C
IC
say,C
realizingC
thatC
IC
amC
nowC
cryingC
again.
Ronnie told me that I shouldnt trust you. That you were
nothing but a,
Please,C
justC
listenC
toC
me.C
IC
knowC
thisC
isC
aC
shock.C
But
youC
needC
toC
faceC
reality,C
Pat.C
YouveC
beenC
lyingC
to
yourselfC
forC
years!C
IC
neededC
toC
doC
somethingC
drasticC
to
help you. But I never thought,
Why?C
IC
say,C
feelingC
asC
ifC
IC
mightC
vomit,C
feelingC
as
thoughC
myC
handsC
mightC
..ndC
Ti..anysC
throatC
atC
any
moment. Why did you do this to me?,
Ti..anyC
looksC
intoC
myC
eyesC
forC
whatC
seemsC
likeC
aC
lonX
time,C
andC
thenC
herC
voiceC
sortC
ofC
quiversC
likeC
myC
moms
doesC
whenC
sheC
isC
sayingC
somethingC
sheC
reallyC
truly
means. Tiffany says, Because, Im in love with you.,
And then I am up and running\
AtC
..rstC
Ti..anyC
followsC
me,C
butevenC
thoughC
IC
amC
in
my leather loafers and it is raining pretty steadily nowI
amC
able toC
..ndC
theC
manC
speedC
sheC
doesC
notC
have,
runningC
fasterC
thanC
IC
everC
haveC
before,C
andC
afterC
taking
enough turns and weaving through enough tra..c,C
I look
back and Ti..any is gone, so I slow my running a bit and
jogC
aimlesslyC
forC
whatC
seemsC
likeC
hours.C
IC
sweatC
througW
[
u
theC
rain,C
andC
myC
fathersC
overcoatC
becomesC
veryC
heavy.C
I
cantC
evenC
beginC
toC
thinkC
aboutC
whatC
thisC
allC
means.
BetrayedC
byC
Ti..any.C
BetrayedC
byC
God.C
BetrayedC
byC
my
ownC
movie.C
ImC
stillC
crying.C
ImC
stillC
jogging.C
AndC
theB
Im praying again, but not in a nice way\
God,C
IC
didntC
askC
forC
aC
millionC
dollars.C
IC
didntC
askC
tH
beC
famousC
andC
powerful.C
IC
didntC
evenC
askC
forC
NikkiC
to
takeC
meC
back.C
IC
onlyC
askedC
forC
aC
meeting.C
AC
singleC
face-
to-faceC
conversation.C
AllC
IveC
doneC
sinceC
IC
leftC
theC
bad
placeC
wasC
tryC
toC
improveC
myselftoC
becomeC
exactly
what You tell everyone to be: a good person. And here I
amC
runningC
throughC
NorthC
PhillyC
onC
aC
rainyC
Christmas
DayallC
alone.C
WhyC
didC
YouC
giveC
usC
soC
manyC
stories
about miracles? Why did You send Your Son down from
heaven?C
WhyC
didC
YouC
giveC
usC
moviesC
ifC
lifeC
doesntC
ever
endC
well?C
WhatC
kindC
ofC
fuckingC
GodC
areC
You?C
DoC
You
want me to be miserable for the rest of my life? Do You
(
SomethingC
hitsC
myC
shinC
hard,C
andC
thenC
myC
palmsC
arJ
slidingC
acrossC
theC
wetC
concrete.C
IC
feelC
kicksC
landingC
oB
myC
back,C
myC
legs,C
myC
arms.C
IC
curlC
upC
intoC
aC
ball,C
trying
toC
protectC
myself,C
butC
theC
kickingC
continues.C
WhenC
it
feelsC
asC
thoughC
myC
kidneysC
haveC
exploded,C
IC
lookC
upC
to
see who is doing this to me, but I only see the bottom of
a sneaker just before it strikes my face\
Mad NippeU
When I wake, the rain has stopped, but I am shivering. I
sitP
up,P
andP
myP
wholeP
bodyP
hurts.P
MyP
overcoatP
isP
gone.
MyP
leatherP
loafersP
areP
gone.P
AllP
theP
moneyP
IP
hadP
inP
my
pocketP
isP
gone.P
MyP
leatherP
beltP
isP
gone.P
TheP
newP
watch
myP
motherP
gaveP
meP
forP
ChristmasP
isP
gone.P
IP
touchP
my
fingers to my face, and they turn rede
Looking around, I see that I am on a narrow street full
ofP
parkedP
cars.P
RowP
housesP
onP
eitherP
side.P
SomeP
arT
boardedP
up,P
manyP
ofP
theP
porchesP
andP
stepsP
attachedP
to
theP
frontsP
areP
inP
needP
ofP
repair,P
andP
theP
streetlights
above are not onmaybe smashed by rocksmaking the
wholeP
worldP
lookP
dark.P
IP
amP
notP
inP
aP
good
neighborhood, with no money, shoes, or anyP
idea where
I am. Part of me wants to lie on the sidewalk forever, but
ImP
afraidP
thoseP
badP
peopleP
mightP
comeP
backP
toP
..nisW
me o.., and before I can really think about anything, Im
on my feet, limping down the blocke
MyP
rightP
thighP
muscleP
feelsP
lockedP
inP
place,P
andP
Y
]
]
g
g
l_
[
lcannot bend my right knee very welle
One house on the block is decorated for Christmas. OntheP
porchP
isP
aP
mangerP
sceneP
withP
aP
plasticP
MaryP
and
JosephbothP
black.P
IP
limpP
towardP
BabyP
Jesus,P
thinking
thatP
peopleP
celebratingP
theP
holidayP
areP
moreP
likelyP
to
helpP
meP
thanP
peopleP
withoutP
ChristmasP
decorations,
becauseinP
theP
BibleJesusP
saysP
weP
shouldP
helpshoeless people who have been muggede
When I ..nally get to the decorated row house, a funnythingP
happens.P
InsteadP
ofP
knockingP
onP
theP
door,P
IP
limS
overP
toP
theP
blackP
MaryP
andP
JosephP
becauseP
IP
wantP
to
lookP
intoP
theP
mangerP
andP
seeP
ifP
BabyP
JesusP
isP
blackP
too.
My cramped leg screams with pain and gives out just as I
reachP
theP
NativityP
scene.P
OnP
myP
handsP
andP
oneP
knee,
between His parents, I see that Baby Jesus is really black
andP
pluggedP
inhisP
darkP
faceP
glowsP
likeP
amber,P
andP
a
streamP
ofP
whiteP
lightP
blastsP
upP
throughP
HisP
littleP
babf
cheste
Squinting,P
takingP
inP
theP
lightP
ofP
BabyP
Jesus,P
IP
instantlyrealize that I was mugged because I cursed God, so I pray
andP
sayP
ImP
sorryP
andP
IP
understandP
whatP
GodP
isP
telling
methatP
IP
needP
toP
workP
onP
myP
characterP
someP
morebefore I will be allowed to find apart times ende
My pulse is pounding so hard in my ears thatP
I do noteven hear the front door open, nor do I hear a man walk
out onto the porche
What you doin to Aunt Jasmines Nativity scene? thT
]
_
_
t_
j
]
Q
]
]
t
man sayse
AndP
whenP
IP
turnP
myP
head,P
GodP
letsP
meP
knowP
HeP
has
accepted my apologye
WhenP
theyP
..rstP
broughtP
DannyP
toP
theP
badP
place,P
he
wouldnt talk. Like me and everyone else, he had a scar,
butP
hisP
wasP
much largerP
andP
onP
theP
backP
ofP
hisP
head\
making a bright pink line in his Afro. For a month or so,
heP
justP
sortP
ofP
satP
inP
aP
chairP
byP
theP
windowP
ofP
hisP
roob
asP
speechP
therapistsP
visitedP
andP
leftP
frustrated.P
MeP
and
theP
boysP
wouldP
stopP
inP
andP
sayP
hello,P
butP
DannyP
onlf
lookedP
outP
theP
windowP
whenP
weP
talkedP
toP
him,P
soP
we
thoughtP
heP
wasP
oneP
ofP
theP
peopleP
whoseP
brainP
trauma
wasP
soP
badP
heP
wasP
mostP
likelyP
goingP
toP
beP
aP
vegetable
for the rest of his lifesort of like my roommate, Jackie.
ButP
afterP
aP
monthP
orP
so,P
DannyP
startedP
takingP
hisP
meals
inP
theP
cafeteriaP
withP
theP
restP
ofP
us,P
attendingP
musicP
and
groupP
therapyP
sessions,P
andP
evenP
goingP
onP
aP
fewP
grouS
excursionsP
toP
theP
shopsP
byP
theP
harborP
andP
theP
Orioles
gamesP
downP
atP
CamdenP
Yards.P
ItP
wasP
obviousP
thatP
he
understoodP
wordsP
andP
evenP
wasP
prettyP
normalheP
just
wouldnt talke
IP
dontP
rememberP
howP
longP
itP
took,P
butP
afterP
aP
time,
DannyP
startedP
talkingP
again,P
andP
IP
happenedP
toP
beP
thT
first person he spoke toe
A girl from some fancy college in Baltimore came in to
provideP
whatP
weP
wereP
toldP
wereP
non-traditionag
_
]
tog
_
-]
]
_
l
treatments. We had toP
volunteer forP
the sessions,P
as this
girlP
wasP
notP
aP
realP
therapistP
yet.P
WeP
wereP
skepticalP
at
..rst,P
butP
whenP
sheP
cameP
toP
promoteP
theP
program,P
we
wereP
soonP
persuadedP
byP
herP
girlishP
..gureP
andP
cute,
innocent-lookingP
face.P
SheP
wasP
veryP
niceP
andP
quite
attractive,P
soP
weP
allP
didP
whateverP
sheP
said,P
hopingP
to
keep her aroundespecially since there were no women
patientsP
inP
theP
badP
placeP
andP
theP
nursesP
wereP
extremely
uglye
For the ..rst week, our college student had us look into
mirrorsP
aP
lotP
asP
sheP
encouragedP
usP
toP
reallyP
getP
toP
know
ourselves,P
whichP
wasP
prettyP
out-there.P
ShedP
sayP
things
like,P
StudyP
yourP
nose.P
LookP
atP
itP
untilP
youP
reallyP
know
it.P
WatchP
howP
itP
movesP
whenP
youP
breatheP
inP
deeply.
AppreciateP
theP
miracleP
ofP
respiration. NowP
lookP
atP
your
tongue.P
NotP
justP
theP
top,P
butP
underneath.P
StudyP
it.
Contemplate the miracles of taste and speech.'
ButP
thenP
oneP
dayP
sheP
pairedP
usP
randomly,P
hadP
usP
sit
facingP
eachP
other,P
andP
toldP
usP
toP
stareP
intoP
ourP
partners
eyes. She had us do this for a long time, and it was quite
weird because the room was completely silent,P
and men
doP
notP
usuallyP
lookP
intoP
eachP
othersP
eyesP
forP
long
periodsP
ofP
time.P
ThenP
sheP
startedP
tellingP
usP
toP
imaginT
thatP
ourP
partnerP
wasP
someoneP
weP
missed,P
orP
someonT
weP
hadP
hurtP
inP
theP
past,P
orP
aP
familyP
memberP
weP
hadnt
seenP
forP
manyP
years.P
SheP
toldP
usP
toP
seeP
thisP
person
through our partners eyes, until that person was in front
of use
LookingP
intoP
anotherP
personsP
eyesP
forP
anP
extended
period of time proved to be a powerful thing. And if youdont believe me, try it y
ourselfe
OfP
courseP
IP
beganP
toP
seeP
Nikki,P
whichP
wasP
strangebecauseP
IP
wasP
staringP
intoP
DannysP
eyes,P
andP
DannyP
isP
a
six-foot-threeP
blackP
manP
whoP
looksP
nothingP
likeP
myP
ex-
wife.P
EvenP
still,P
asP
myP
pupilsP
remainedP
lockedP
on
Dannys,P
itP
wasP
asP
ifP
IP
wereP
lookingP
directlyP
intoP
Nikkis
eyes.P
IP
wasP
theP
..rstP
oneP
toP
startP
crying,P
butP
others
followed.P
OurP
collegeP
girlP
cameP
over,P
saidP
IP
wasP
brave\
andP
thenP
huggedP
me,P
whichP
wasP
nice.P
DannyP
saidnothinge
That night I woke up to the sound of Jackies grunting.
WhenP
IP
openedP
myP
eyes,P
itP
tookP
aP
fewP
secondsP
forP
my
pupilsP
toP
adjust,P
butP
whenP
theyP
did,P
IP
sawP
Danny
standing over mee
Danny? I saide
My names not Danny.'
HisP
voiceP
scaredP
meP
becauseP
IP
wasP
notP
expectingP
him
toP
speak,P
especiallyP
sinceP
heP
hadP
notP
spokenP
toP
anyone
since he arrivede
The names Mad Nipper.'
WhatP
doP
youP
want?P
IP
askedP
him.P
WhyP
areP
youP
in
our room?'
I only wanted to tell you my street name, so we could
beP
boys.P
ButP
wereP
notP
onP
theP
streetsP
rightP
now,P
soP
you
can keep calling me Danny.'
[
lg
(
AndP
thenP
DannyP
walkedP
outP
ofP
myP
roomP
andP
JackiT
quit gruntinge
EveryoneP
inP
theP
badP
placeP
wasP
prettyP
shockedP
when
DannyP
beganP
speakingP
regularlyP
theP
nextP
day.P
The
doctorsP
saidP
heP
wasP
experiencingP
aP
breakthrough,P
butP
it
wasntP
likeP
that.P
DannyP
justP
decidedP
toP
talk.P
WeP
really
didP
becomeP
boysP
andP
didP
justP
aboutP
everythingP
together
inP
theP
badP
place,P
includingP
ourP
exerciseP
routine.P
And
little by little I found out Dannys storye
AsP
MadP
NipperP
heP
wasP
aP
risingP
ganstaP
rapperP
from
NorthP
PhiladelphiaP
whoP
hadP
signedP
onP
withP
aP
small
recordP
labelP
inP
NYCP
calledP
TougherP
Trade.P
HeP
was
playing a club in Baltimore when some beef broke loose,
andP
somehowDannyP
oftenP
changedP
theP
detailsP
ofP
hi^
story,P
soP
IP
cantP
sayP
whatP
happenedP
forP
certainheP
was
struckP
in theP
back ofP
the headP
withP
a tireP
iron, driven to
the harbor, and thrown ine
MostP
ofP
theP
timeP
DannyP
claimedP
thatP
aP
BaltimoreP
rap
grouponeP
thatP
wasP
scheduledP
toP
performP
beforeP
MaO
NipperaskedP
himP
toP
smokeP
upP
inP
anP
alleywayP
behind
theP
club,P
butP
whenP
heP
wentP
outsideP
withP
theseP
other
rappers,P
theyP
startedP
givingP
himP
someP
shitP
about
headliningP
inP
theirP
neighborhood.P
WhenP
heP
broughtP
uS
hisP
superiorP
recordP
sales,P
theP
lightsP
wentP
out,P
andP
he
wokeP
upP
dead,P
whichP
isP
actuallyP
true,P
asP
hisP
..leP
saysP
he
was dead for a few minutes before the EMTs managed to
revive hime
LuckyP
forP
Danny,P
somebodyP
heardP
theP
splashP
Mad
NipperP
madeP
whenP
heP
enteredP
theP
harbor,P
andP
this
person ..shed him outP
and yelledP
for help right after the
other rappers left. Danny claims that the salt in the water
keptP
hisP
brainP
alive,P
butP
IP
dontP
understandP
howP
that
couldP
be,P
especiallyP
sinceP
heP
wasP
thrown intoP
theP
..lthy
harborP
andP
notP
theP
ocean.P
AfterP
anP
operationP
that
removedP
tinyP
partsP
ofP
hisP
skullP
fromP
hisP
brain,P
andP
a
lengthyP
stayP
atP
theP
hospital,P
DannyP
wasP
broughtP
toP
the
badP
place.P
TheP
worstP
partP
wasP
thatP
heP
lostP
hisP
abilityP
to
rapheP
justP
couldntP
makeP
hisP
mouthP
rapP
anymore,P
at
leastP
notP
asP
fastP
asP
heP
usedP
tosoP
heP
tookP
aP
vowP
oi
silence,P
whichP
heP
brokeP
onlyP
afterP
lookingP
intoP
myP
eyes
for a very long period of timee
Once, I asked Danny who he saw when he looked into
my eyes, and he told me he saw his aunt Jasmine. When
IP
askedP
himP
whyP
heP
sawP
hisP
auntP
Jasmine,P
heP
toldP
me
sheP
wasP
theP
womanP
whoP
hadP
raisedP
himP
upP
untilP
he
became a mane
Danny? I say, kneeling before the mangere
Who are you?'
Its Pat Peoples.'
White Pat from Baltimore?'
Yeah.'
How?'
I dont know.'
Youre bloody. What happened?'
God punished me, but then He led me here.'
What you do to make God angry?'
I cursed Him, but I said I was sorry.'
If you really Pat People, whats my name?'
Mad Nipper, a.k.a. Danny.'
You eat Christmas dinner yet?'
No.'
You like ham?'
Yes.'
You wanna eat with me and Aunt Jasmine?'
Okay.'
DannyP
helpsP
meP
stand,P
andP
whenP
IP
limpP
intoP
Aun]
JasminesP
home,P
itP
smellsP
ofP
pineP
needlesP
andP
baked
hamP
andP
pineappleP
sauce.P
AP
smallP
ChristmasP
treeP
is
decoratedP
withP
popcornP
stringsP
andP
colorfulP
blinking
lights,P
twoP
green-and-redP
stockingsP
areP
hungP
onP
aP
fakT
..replaceP
mantel,P
andP
onP
theP
televisionP
theP
EaglesP
arT
playing the Cowboyse
Sit down, Danny says. Make yourself at home.'
I dont want to get blood on your couch.'
Its got a plastic cover, see?'
I look, and the couch is really covered with plastic, so I
sitP
downP
andP
seeP
thatP
theP
EaglesP
areP
winning,P
whicW
t_
tt]
l
surprises me, since Dallas was favorede
IveP
missedP
you,P
DannyP
saysP
afterP
heP
sitsP
downP
next
to me. You didnt even say goddamn goodbye when you
left.'
MomP
cameP
andP
gotP
meP
whenP
youP
wereP
inP
music
relaxation class. When did you get out of the bad place?'
Just yesterday. Out on good behavior.'
I look at my friends face and see that he is serious. So
you get out of the bad place yesterday, and I just happen
toP
runP
toP
yourP
neighborhoodP
andP
getP
muggedP
onP
youU
street and find you here?'
Guess so, Danny sayse
It sort of seems like a miracle, doesnt it?'
MiraclesP
happenP
onP
Christmas,P
Pat.P
EverybodyP
knows
that shit.'
ButP
beforeP
weP
canP
sayP
more,P
aP
petite,P
serious-looking
womanwhoP
isP
wearingP
hugeP
black-rimmedP
glasses
walks into the living room and starts screaming, Oh, my
Lord!P
Oh,P
Jesus!P
IP
tryP
toP
convinceP
AuntP
JasmineP
Im
okay,P
butP
sheP
callsP
911,P
andP
thenP
IP
amP
inP
anP
ambulance
being driven to Germantown Hospitale
WhenP
IP
arriveP
atP
theP
emergencyP
room,P
AuntP
Jasmine
prays for me and yells at a lot of people until I am taken
toP
aP
privateP
room,P
whereP
myP
clothesP
areP
removedP
and
my wounds are cleanede
IP
amP
givenP
anP
IVP
whileP
IP
tellP
aP
policeP
o..cerP
wha]
g
]
lg
og
_
t
happenede
AfterP
X-rays,P
theP
doctorsP
tellP
meP
thatP
myP
legP
isP
really
messed up; my mother, Caitlin, and Jake arrive, and then
myP
legP
isP
putP
inP
aP
whiteP
castP
thatP
startsP
atP
myP
heelP
and
ends just below my hipe
IP
wantP
toP
apologizeP
toP
DannyP
andP
AuntP
JasmineP
for
ruiningP
theirP
ChristmasP
dinner,P
butP
myP
motherP
tellsP
me
thatP
theyP
leftP
soonP
afterP
sheP
arrived,P
whichP
makesP
me
really sad for some reasone
WhenP
IP
amP
..nallyP
releasedP
fromP
theP
hospital,P
aP
nurse
putsP
aP
purpleP
sockP
overP
myP
bareP
toesP
andP
givesP
meP
N
pairP
ofP
crutches,P
butP
JakeP
pushesP
meP
inP
aP
wheelchairP
to
his BMW. I have to sit sideways in the backseat, with my
feet on Moms lap, because of the caste
WeP
driveP
throughP
NorthP
PhiladelphiaP
inP
silence,P
but
whenP
weP
pullP
outP
ontoP
theP
SchuylkillP
Expressway,
CaitlinP
says,P
Well,P
atP
leastP
wellP
neverP
forget this
Christmas. She means it as a joke, but nobody laughse
Why isnt anyone asking me how I ended up in North
Philadelphia? I aske
AfterP
aP
longP
pause,P
myP
motherP
says,P
Ti..anyP
calledP
us
fromP
aP
payP
phoneP
andP
toldP
usP
everything.P
WeP
were
driving around North Philadelphia looking for you when
theP
hospitalP
calledP
yourP
father.P
HeP
calledP
JakesP
cell
phone, and here we are.'
So I ruined everyones Christmas?'
That crazy bitch ruined our Christmas.'
t]
]
Jake, Mom says. Please.'
DidP
theP
EaglesP
win?P
IP
askP
Jake,P
becauseP
IP
remember
that they were winning and am hoping my father will be
in a decent mood when I get homee
Yeah,P
JakeP
saysP
inP
aP
clippedP
wayP
thatP
letsP
meP
know
he is upset with mee
TheP
EaglesP
beatP
T.O.P
andP
DallasinP
Dallason
Christmas Day, locking up a play-o.. spot, and Jake, who
hasP
notP
missedP
aP
gameP
sinceP
heP
wasP
inP
elementary
school,P
missesP
perhapsP
theP
bestP
gameP
ofP
theP
season
becauseP
heP
wasP
searchingP
allP
ofP
NorthP
PhiladelphiaP
foU
hisP
mentallyP
derangedP
brother.P
AndP
nowP
IP
realizeP
why
my father is not with the search teamthere was no way
hedP
missP
suchP
anP
importantP
EaglesP
game,P
especially
againstP
Dallas.P
IP
cantP
helpP
feelingP
guilty,P
asP
itP
probably
would have been a really nice Christmas, especially since
my father would have been in a phenomenal mood, and
IP
amP
sureP
myP
motherP
preparedP
food,P
andP
CaitlinP
isP
even
wearingP
anP
EaglesP
jersey,P
andP
IP
keepP
messingP
up
everyones lives, and maybe it would have been better if
the muggers had killed me, and Z
IP
startP
toP
cry,P
butP
quietly,P
soP
thatP
myP
momP
wontP
bT
upsete
Im sorry I madeP
you missP
the game, Jake, I manage
to say, but the words make me cry even harder, and soon
I am sobbing into my hands again, like a babye
MyP
motherP
patsP
myP
unbrokenP
leg,P
butP
noP
oneP
say^
o]
]
o[
g
]
_
_
anythinge
We ride the rest of the way home in silencee
How Is SheQ
MyK
birthdayK
fallsK
onK
aK
Friday.K
DecemberK
29.K
InK
the
afternoon, Mom helps me tape trash bags around my cast
so I can take my first shower since I broke my leg. This is
sortK
ofK
embarrassingK
toK
talkK
about,K
butK
MomK
hasK
toK
help
meK
keepK
myK
castK
outK
ofK
theK
shower,K
soK
sheK
holdsK
the
showerK
curtainK
forK
me,K
protectingK
theK
cast,K
asK
IK
straddle
theK
edgeK
ofK
theK
tub,K
tryingK
toK
keepK
myK
weightK
onK
my
goodK
leg.K
MomK
handsK
meK
theK
soapK
whenK
IK
needK
itK
and
also the shampoo. She pretends not to look at my naked
body,K
butK
IK
amK
sureK
sheK
getsK
aK
glimpseK
atK
someK
point,
whichK
makesK
meK
feelK
strange.K
IK
haventK
workedK
outK
in
days,K
soK
IK
feelK
veryK
smallK
andK
weakbutK
MomK
doesnt
say anything about my diminished girth, because she is a
kind woman^
AfterK
myK
shower,K
MomK
helpsK
meK
putK
onK
aK
pairK
of
sweatpantsK
sheK
hasK
modi..ed,K
cuttingK
oneK
legK
o..K
atK
the
thighK
soK
myK
castK
canK
..tK
through.K
IK
alsoK
putK
onK
aK
button-
downK
shirtK
fromK
theK
GapK
andK
myK
newK
leatherK
jacket.K
I
hopK
downK
theK
steps,K
crutchK
myK
wayK
outK
theK
doorK
anX
g
u
intoK
theK
backseatK
ofK
MomsK
car,K
sittingK
sidewaysK
soK
mS
cast will fit^
WhenK
weK
arriveK
atK
theK
VoorheesK
house,K
IK
crutchK
my
wayK
intoK
Cli..sK
o..ce,K
pickK
theK
blackK
recliner,K
propK
mycast up on the footrest, and tell Cliff everything^
WhenK
IK
..nishK
myK
story,K
Cli..K
says,K
SoK
youveK
beenK
inbed since Christmas?
Yeah.
AndK
youK
haveK
noK
interestK
inK
readingK
orK
watching
television?
No.
AndK
youreK
notK
workingK
outK
yourK
upperK
bodyK
atK
all?
No weights?
No.
What do you do all day?
IK
sleep,K
orK
IK
think.K
SometimesK
IK
write,K
butK
DannyK
haM
been coming to visit me too. I had already told Cli.. all
about God reuniting Danny and me, which even Cli.. had
toK
admitK
wasK
aK
bitK
ofK
aK
miracleK
andK
maybeK
theK
silver
lining to my awful Christmas^
What do you and Danny do when he visits?
We play Parcheesi.
Parcheesi?
ItsK
theK
RoyalK
GameK
ofK
India.K
HowK
canK
youK
notK
knoJ
[
u
it?
IK
knowK
Parcheesi.K
ImK
justK
surprisedK
youK
andK
DannS
play board games together.
Why?
Cliff makes a funny face, but doesnt say anything^
DannyK
bringsK
hisK
ParcheesiK
gameK
allK
theK
wayK
from
North Philly. He rides the trains.
ThatsK
good,K
right?K
ItK
mustK
beK
niceK
toK
seeK
yourK
old
friend.
I was sorry to learn that he still cant rap, even after a
second operation,K
butK
hisK
auntK
gotK
himK
aK
jobK
doingK
the
janitorialK
workK
atK
herK
church,K
whichK
isK
alsoK
aK
day-care
center. He wipes down the pews with pine oil and mops
the ..oors and empties the trash and vacuums every night
stu..K
likeK
that.K
HeK
smellsK
likeK
pineK
treesK
nowK
too,
which is sort of a nice bonus. But Danny is quieter than I
remember him being in the bad place.
DidK
youK
tellK
DannyK
aboutK
whatK
Ti..anyK
didK
toK
you?
Cliff asks^
Yeah, I did.
What did he say?
Nothing.
He didnt give you any advice?
I didnt ask him for any advice.
IK
see.K
Cli..K
grabsK
hisK
chin,K
whichK
letsK
meK
knowK
heK
is
goingK
toK
sayK
somethingK
myK
motherK
hasK
toldK
him.K
Pat,K
L
l
knowK
howK
youK
lostK
yourK
memory.K
EveryoneK
does.K
He
pausesK
here,K
gaugingK
myK
reaction.K
AndK
IK
thinkK
you
remember too. Do you?
No.
DoK
youK
wantK
meK
toK
tellK
youK
howK
youK
lostK
your
memory?
No.
Why?
I dont say anything^
IK
knowK
Dr.K
TimbersK
usedK
toK
tellK
youK
theK
storyK
every
day as part of your therapy. Thats why I never brought it
up.K
IK
thoughtK
maybeK
youK
wouldK
talkK
aboutK
itK
whenK
you
wereK
ready,K
butK
itsK
beenK
almostK
..veK
monthsandK
now
youK
haveK
aK
brokenK
leg,K
andK
thingsK
seemK
toK
haveK
gotten
worse.K
IK
cantK
helpK
feelingK
asK
thoughK
weK
needK
toK
start
trying other tactics. What Ti..any suggested about closure
isK
true.K
ImK
notK
sayingK
herK
methodsK
wereK
honorable,K
but
youK
reallyK
doK
needK
toK
comeK
toK
termsK
withK
whathappened, Pat. You need closure.
Maybe my movie isnt over, I say, because sometimesmoviemakers trick the audience wi
th a false bad ending,
and just when you think the movie is going to end badly,
somethingK
dramaticK
happens,K
whichK
leadsK
toK
theK
happy
ending.K
ThisK
seemsK
likeK
aK
goodK
spotK
forK
somethingdramatic to happen, especially since its my birthday^
YourK
lifeK
isK
notK
aK
movie,K
Pat.K
LifeK
isK
notK
aK
movie.
YoureK
anK
EaglesK
fan.K
AfterK
watchingK
soK
manyK
NFw
Yg
[
F
seasonsK
withoutK
aK
SuperK
Bowl,K
youK
shouldK
knowK
that
real life often ends poorly.
How can you say that now, especially since the Eagles
have won four straightK
and areK
headed intoK
the play-o..s
even after McNabb went down! Cli.. just looks at me,
almost as if he is scared, and suddenly I realize that I was
justK
yelling.K
ButK
IK
cantK
helpK
adding,K
WithK
aK
negative
attitude like that, it will end poorly, Cli..! Youre starting
toK
soundK
likeK
Dr.K
Timbers!K
YouK
betterK
watchK
out,K
or
youre going to be defeated by pessimism!
ThereK
isK
aK
longK
silence,K
andK
Cli..K
looksK
reallyK
worried,
which begins to worry me^
OnK
theK
driveK
home,K
MomK
tellsK
meK
thatK
peopleK
are
comingK
overK
forK
myK
birthday.K
SheK
isK
makingK
meK
a
birthday dinner. Is Nikki coming? I ask^
No, Pat. Nikki is never coming, Mom says. Never.
WhenK
weK
arriveK
home,K
MomK
makesK
meK
sitK
inK
the
familyK
roomK
whileK
sheK
cooksK
meatK
loafK
andK
mashed
potatoesK
andK
greenK
beansK
andK
anK
appleK
pie.K
SheK
keeps
trying to talk to me, but I really do not feel like talking^
JakeK
andK
CaitlinK
arriveK
..rst,K
andK
theyK
tryK
toK
cheerK
me
upK
byK
talkingK
reallyK
enthusiasticallyK
aboutK
theK
Birds,K
but
it doesnt work^
WhenK
RonnieK
andK
VeronicaK
arrive,K
EmilyK
climbsK
onto
myK
lap,K
whichK
makesK
meK
feelK
aK
littleK
better.K
CaitlinK
askM
[
llll
EmilyK
ifK
sheK
wantsK
toK
drawK
aK
pictureK
onK
myK
cast,K
anX
whenK
sheK
nods,K
MomK
..ndsK
someK
markersK
andK
weK
all
watchK
littleK
EmilyK
draw.K
SheK
startsK
o..K
byK
makingK
a
wobblyK
circle,K
whichK
isK
understandable,K
sinceK
theK
castK
is
not perfectly ..at, nor smooth. But then she just scribbles
all sorts of colors everywhere, and I cannot tell what she
is up to until she points to her creation and says, Pap!
DidK
youK
drawK
aK
pictureK
ofK
|
ncleK
Pat?K
RonnieK
says,
andK
whenK
EmilyK
nods,K
everyoneK
laughsK
becauseK
itK
looks
nothing like me^
When we sit down at the dining-room table, my father
isK
stillK
notK
home.K
EvenK
afterK
theK
winK
overK
Dallas,K
heK
has
beenK
prettyK
distantK
lately,K
hidingK
inK
hisK
studyK
again.
Nobody mentions my dads absence, so I dont either^
Moms meal is delicious, and everyone says so^
When it is time for pie, they sing Happy Birthday to
me, and then little Emily helps me blow out the candles
thatK
makeK
theK
shapeK
ofK
theK
numberK
35.K
IK
hardlyK
believe
that I can actually be thirty-..ve, because I still feel like I
am thirtymaybe I only wish I were thirty, because then
Id have Nikki in my life^
AfterK
weK
eatK
ourK
pie,K
EmilyK
helpsK
meK
openK
my
presents.K
IK
getK
aK
brand-newK
woodenK
hand-painted
ParcheesiK
boardK
fromK
Mom,K
whoK
saysK
sheK
invitedK
DannS
toK
myK
party,K
butK
heK
hadK
toK
work.K
Ronnie,K
Emily,K
and
VeronicaK
giveK
meK
anK
EaglesK
..eeceK
blanket.K
JakeK
and
Caitlin give me aK
membership toK
a gymK
in Philadelphia^
lj
ll
TheK
brochureK
inK
theK
boxK
saysK
theK
clubK
hasK
aK
poolK
andK
a
steamK
roomK
andK
basketballK
courtsK
andK
racquetballK
courts
andK
allK
typesK
ofK
weight-liftingK
equipmentK
andK
other
machines that build muscles. Its where I work out, my
brother says. And I was thinking we could start working
outK
togetherK
onceK
yourK
legK
mends.K
EvenK
thoughK
ImK
not
allK
thatK
interestedK
inK
workingK
outK
soK
much anymore,K
I
realize that the membershipK
is aK
nice present, so I thank
Jake^
WhenK
weK
retireK
toK
theK
livingK
room,K
IK
askK
Veronica
about Ti..any. Hows Ti..any? I say. Im not really sure
whyK
IK
ask.K
TheK
wordsK
justK
sortK
ofK
slipK
outK
ofK
myK
mouth,
andK
whenK
theyK
do,K
everyoneK
stopsK
talkingK
andK
aK
silence
hangs in the air^
IK
invitedK
herK
toK
yourK
party,K
MomK
..nallyK
o..ers,
probablyK
justK
soK
VeronicaK
willK
notK
feelK
badlyK
aboutK
her
sister being excluded^
Why?K
JakeK
asks.K
SoK
sheK
canK
lieK
toK
PatK
again?K
SeW
him back a few more years?
She was only trying to help, Veronica says^
Your sister has a funny way of helping.
Stop, Caitlin says to Jake^
And then the room is silent again^
SoK
howK
isK
she?K
IK
ask,K
becauseK
IK
reallyK
doK
wantK
to
know^
I Need a Huge FavoU
OnJ
NewJ
YearsJ
EveJ
day,J
afterJ
agreeingJ
toJ
buyJ
unlimited
beer for our neighbors, Jake manages to trade seats with
the season-ticket holder in front of meand once Jake is
seated,J
heJ
propsJ
myJ
castJ
upJ
ontoJ
hisJ
shoulderJ
soJ
IJ
am
able to sit down during the Falcons gamei
AJ
fewJ
minutesJ
intoJ
theJ
..rstJ
quarter,J
headJ
coachJ
Andy
ReidJ
pullsJ
theJ
starters,J
andJ
theJ
gameJ
announcerJ
reports
thatJ
DallasJ
hasJ
somehowJ
lostJ
toJ
Detroit,J
whichJ
mean[
thatJ
theJ
BirdsJ
haveJ
clinchedJ
theJ
NFCJ
EastJ
forJ
theJ
..fte
timeJ
inJ
theJ
lastJ
sixJ
yearsJ
andJ
theJ
currentJ
gameJ
is
meaningless.J
EveryoneJ
inJ
theJ
LincJ
cheers,J
highJ
..ves
abound, and it is hard to stay in a seated positioni
With the starting wide receivers out, I get my hopes up
forJ
HankJ
Baskett,J
andJ
heJ
actuallyJ
doesJ
catchJ
aJ
fewJ
balls
in the first half, each of which Scott, Jake, and I celebrate
excessively because I am wearing my BaskettJ
jersey over
my winter coat, and we all like to root for the undrafted
rookiei
g
ItsJ
1710J
EaglesJ
atJ
halftime,J
andJ
ScottJ
actuallyJ
leaves
the game,J
sayingJ
thatJ
heJ
promisedJ
hisJ
wifeJ
hedJ
comL
homeJ
forJ
NewJ
YearsJ
EveJ
ifJ
theJ
CowboysJ
lostJ
andJ
thL
Eagles game became meaningless. I give him a hard time
about leaving and am surprised that my brother does not
joinJ
inJ
withJ
theJ
ribbing.J
ButJ
shortlyJ
afterJ
ScottJ
takesJ
o..,
Jake says, Listen, Pat. Caitlin has me going to this black-
tieJ
NewJ
YearsJ
EveJ
partyJ
atJ
theJ
RittenhouseJ
Hotel.J
ShL
wasJ
madJ
atJ
meJ
forJ
goingJ
toJ
theJ
gameJ
today,J
andJ
IJ
was
sort of thinking about taking o.. early so I could surprise
her. But I dont want to leave you here with the cast and
all. So how do you feel about leaving early?E
Im shocked, and a little madi
I want to seeJ
if BaskettJ
gets his second touchdown, I
say.J
ButJ
youJ
canJ
go.J
IllJ
beJ
allJ
rightJ
hereJ
withJ
allJ
thL
realJ
EaglesJ
fanstheJ
peopleJ
whoJ
areJ
stayingJ
toJ
seeJ
the
wholeJ
game.J
ItsJ
notJ
aJ
veryJ
niceJ
thingJ
forJ
meJ
toJ
say,
especiallyJ
sinceJ
CaitlinJ
isJ
probablyJ
alreadyJ
dressedJ
and
waitingJ
forJ
JakeJ
toJ
comeJ
home,J
butJ
theJ
truthJ
is,J
IJ
need
myJ
brothersJ
helpJ
gettingJ
outJ
ofJ
theJ
LincJ
onJ
crutches.J
I
haveJ
aJ
feelingJ
thatJ
BaskettJ
willJ
getJ
theJ
ballJ
aJ
lotJ
inJ
the
secondJ
half,J
andJ
IJ
knowJ
JakeJ
reallyJ
wantsJ
toJ
seeJ
the
game anyway; maybe hell be able to use his mentally ill
brotherJ
asJ
aJ
goodJ
excuseJ
forJ
missingJ
theJ
..rstJ
partJ
of
CaitlinsJ
NewJ
YearsJ
EveJ
party;J
maybeJ
thisJ
isJ
whatJ
Jake
reallyJ
wantsJ
andJ
needs.J
BeerJ
man!J
IJ
yellJ
toJ
theJ
Coors
LightJ
guyJ
whoJ
isJ
passingJ
ourJ
row.J
WhenJ
heJ
stops,J
IJ
say,
OnlyJ
oneJ
beerJ
becauseJ
thisJ
guyJ
hereJ
isJ
leavingJ
hi[
]
ssg]
sgs
crippled,J
mentallyJ
insaneJ
brotherJ
toJ
goJ
toJ
thL
RittenhouseJ
HotelJ
soJ
thatJ
heJ
canJ
swillJ
champagneJ
with
non-EaglesJ
fansJ
inJ
tuxedos.J
MyJ
brotherJ
looksJ
likeJ
I
punchedJ
himJ
inJ
theJ
gut,J
andJ
soonJ
heJ
isJ
pullingJ
outJ
his
walleti
All right. Fuck it. Make it two beers, Jake says, and I
smile asJ
myJ
brotherJ
sitsJ
downJ
inJ
ScottsJ
seatJ
andJ
helps
meJ
propJ
myJ
castJ
upJ
ontoJ
theJ
backJ
ofJ
theJ
emptyJ
seatJ
in
front of mei
ThroughJ
theJ
secondJ
half,J
BaskettJ
continuesJ
toJ
catchJ
A.
J.J
FeeleysJ
throws,J
andJ
earlyJ
inJ
theJ
fourthJ
quarterJ
m]
favoriteJ
playerJ
runsJ
anJ
out,J
catchesJ
theJ
ball,J
andJ
runs
downJ
theJ
sidelineJ
eighty-nineJ
yardsJ
forJ
theJ
second
touchdown of his young career. Jake helps me stand, and
thenJ
everyoneJ
inJ
ourJ
sectionJ
isJ
high-..vingJ
meJ
and
slappingJ
myJ
backJ
becauseJ
overJ
myJ
coatJ
IJ
amJ
wearing
theJ
BaskettJ
jerseyJ
myJ
brotherJ
gaveJ
meJ
whenJ
IJ
..rstJ
got
out of the bad placei
IJ
wouldJ
laterJ
learnJ
thatJ
BaskettJ
isJ
theJ
..rstJ
Eagles
player to catch two touchdown passes longer than eighty
yardsJ
inJ
theJ
sameJ
seasonwhichJ
isJ
anJ
accomplishment,
evenJ
ifJ
numberJ
84J
hasJ
onlyJ
beenJ
aJ
marginalJ
playerJ
this
yeari
And you wanted to leave, I say to Jakei
GoJ
Baskett!J
heJ
says,J
andJ
thenJ
givesJ
meJ
aJ
one-armed
sideways hugshoulder-to-shoulderi
AfterJ
theJ
EaglesJ
backupJ
playersJ
winJ
theJ
lastJ
regulaU
A_
Q
[
g
]
[
[
g
seasonJ
game,J
theJ
BirdsJ
..nishJ
theirJ
seasonJ
atJ
10-6,
lockingJ
upJ
atJ
leastJ
oneJ
homeJ
play-o..J
gameJ
inJ
the
process. I crutch my way out of the Linc with Jake as my
fullback,J
partingJ
theJ
crowds,J
shouting,J
CrippleJ
comingthrough! Cripple coming through! Move out the way!E
WeJ
dontJ
meetJ
upJ
withJ
Cli..sJ
gangJ
untilJ
weJ
getJ
backtoJ
theJ
fatJ
mensJ
tentJ
andJ
theJ
AsianJ
InvasionJ
bus.J
But
whenJ
weJ
do,J
ourJ
friendsJ
greetJ
usJ
withJ
aJ
BaskettJ
chant
becauseJ
numberJ
84J
hadJ
aJ
career-highJ
177-yardJ
dayJ
andan 89-yard TDi
With play-offs to discuss, everyone is reluctant to leave,
soJ
weJ
drinkJ
beersJ
andJ
discussJ
theJ
8-8J
Giants,J
whomJ
the
Birds will play in the ..rst round. When Cli.. asks me if I
thinkJ
ourJ
teamJ
willJ
beat theJ
Giants,J
IJ
tellJ
myJ
therapist,
NotJ
onlyJ
willJ
theJ
EaglesJ
win,J
butJ
HankJ
BaskettJ
will
catch another touchdown.E
Cli..J
nodsJ
andJ
smilesJ
andJ
says,J
YouJ
calledJ
itJ
beforethe season even started: Hank Baskett is the man!E
Jake leaves ..rst because he and Caitlin have that hotelNewJ
YearsJ
EveJ
partyJ
toJ
attend,J
soJ
weJ
allJ
makeJ
funJ
o_
himJ
andJ
callJ
himJ
whippedbutJ
evenJ
thoughJ
heJ
is
leavingJ
usJ
forJ
hisJ
woman,J
IJ
giveJ
himJ
aJ
hugJ
andJ
thang
himJ
againJ
forJ
staying,J
gettingJ
meJ
aJ
seasonJ
ticket,J
and
payingJ
forJ
theJ
play-o..J
ticketsJ
too,J
whichJ
areJ
pretty
expensive. And I know Jake has forgiven me for making
himJ
missJ
theJ
secondJ
DallasJ
game,J
becauseJ
heJ
hugsJ
me
back and says, No problem, brother. I love you. Alwaysi
g
[
y[
]
j
y[
You know that.E
After Jake leaves, we drink beers for another half hour
orJ
so,J
butJ
eventuallyJ
manyJ
ofJ
theJ
guysJ
admitJ
theyJ
toT
haveJ
NewJ
YearsJ
EveJ
plansJ
withJ
theirJ
wives,J
andJ
IJ
take
the Asian Invasion bus home to New Jerseyi
TheJ
EaglesJ
haveJ
wonJ
theJ
lastJ
..veJ
gamesJ
andJ
theJ
NFC
East,J
soJ
theresJ
noJ
stoppingJ
AshwiniJ
fromJ
blowingJ
thL
Asian Invasion bus horn when he pulls up to my parents
house,J
andJ
whenJ
heJ
does,J
theJ
chantJ
blaresJ
loudlyE!-
A!-G!-L!-E!-S! EAGLES!which brings my mother to the
doori
StandingJ
onJ
theJ
frontJ
step,J
MomJ
andJ
IJ
waveJ
asJ
thL
green bus pulls awayi
WeJ
eatJ
aJ
lateJ
NewJ
YearsJ
EveJ
dinnerJ
togetherJ
asJ
a
family, but even after another Eagles win and with Super
BowlJ
hopesJ
alive,J
myJ
fatherJ
doesntJ
sayJ
much,J
andJ
he
headsJ
forJ
hisJ
studyJ
beforeJ
MomJ
..nishesJ
herJ
meal,
probably so he can read historical fictioni
JustJ
beforeJ
theJ
ballJ
dropsJ
onJ
DadsJ
hugeJ
..at-screen
television, Mom asks me if I want to go outside and bang
pots and pans like we used to do when I was a kid. I tell
MomJ
IJ
dontJ
reallyJ
wantJ
toJ
bangJ
potsJ
andJ
pans,
especially since I am tired from spending the day outside
inJ
theJ
cold,J
soJ
fromJ
theJ
couch,J
weJ
watchJ
people
celebrating in Times Squarei
[
Sq
Two thousand and six becomes 2007i
ItsJ
goingJ
toJ
beJ
aJ
goodJ
yearJ
forJ
us,J
MomJ
says,J
anM
then forces a smilei
I smile back at Mom, not because I think it is going to
beJ
aJ
goodJ
year,J
butJ
becauseJ
myJ
fatherJ
wentJ
toJ
bedJ
aW
hourJ
ago,J
NikkiJ
neverJ
cameJ
back,J
theresJ
notJ
evenJ
thL
slightest inclination to suggestJ
that 2007J
is going to be a
goodJ
yearJ
forJ
eitherJ
MomJ
orJ
me,J
andJ
yetJ
MomJ
isJ
stilc
tryingJ
toJ
..ndJ
thatJ
silverJ
liningJ
sheJ
taughtJ
meJ
aboutJ
so
long ago. She is still holding on to hope. Its going to be
a good year, I sayi
WhenJ
MomJ
fallsJ
asleepJ
onJ
theJ
couch,J
IJ
turnJ
o..J
thL
televisionJ
andJ
watchJ
herJ
breathe.J
SheJ
stillJ
looksJ
pretty,
andJ
seeingJ
herJ
restingJ
soJ
peacefullyJ
makesJ
meJ
angryJ
at
myJ
dad,J
evenJ
thoughJ
IJ
knowJ
heJ
cantJ
changeJ
whoJ
heJ
is,
butJ
IJ
wishJ
thatJ
heJ
wouldJ
atJ
leastJ
tryJ
toJ
appreciateJ
Mom
moreJ
andJ
spendJ
someJ
qualityJ
timeJ
withJ
her,J
especially
sinceJ
heJ
doesntJ
evenJ
haveJ
theJ
EaglesJ
toJ
beJ
grumpy
aboutJ
anymore,J
becauseJ
theJ
seasonJ
isJ
alreadyJ
aJ
success
regardlessJ
ofJ
whatJ
happensJ
inJ
theJ
play-o..s,J
especially
after making it this far without McNabb. And yet I know
myJ
fatherJ
isJ
notJ
likelyJ
toJ
change,J
becauseJ
IJ
haveJ
known
himJ
forJ
thirty-..veJ
years,J
andJ
heJ
hasJ
alwaysJ
beenJ
the
same mani
MomJ
tucksJ
herJ
kneesJ
andJ
elbowsJ
inJ
closeJ
toJ
herJ
body
andJ
beginsJ
toJ
shiver,J
soJ
IJ
pushJ
myselfJ
up,J
grabJ
my
crutches,J
andJ
crutchJ
myJ
wayJ
overJ
toJ
theJ
closet.J
IJ
pullJ
N
sy]
s
blanketJ
fromJ
theJ
bottomJ
ofJ
theJ
closet,J
crutchJ
myJ
way
over to Mom, and cover herbut she continues toJ
shiver.
BackJ
atJ
theJ
closet,J
IJ
seeJ
aJ
heavierJ
blanketJ
onJ
theJ
toh
shelf,J
soJ
IJ
reachJ
upJ
andJ
pullJ
itJ
down.J
ItJ
fallsJ
onJ
topJ
of
myJ
head justJ
after IJ
hear aJ
littleJ
crash. IJ
look down, and
byJ
myJ
feetJ
isJ
aJ
videocassetteJ
inJ
aJ
whiteJ
plasticJ
caseJ
that
has two ringing bells on the coveri
I crutch my way over to my mother and cover her with
the heavier blanketi
ItJ
isJ
hardJ
toJ
pickJ
upJ
theJ
cassetteJ
withJ
myJ
cast
preventingJ
meJ
fromJ
squattingIJ
actuallyJ
haveJ
toJ
sit
down on the ..oor to pick it up. After sliding over to the
TV,J
IJ
slipJ
theJ
cassetteJ
intoJ
theJ
VCR.J
IJ
lookJ
overJ
my
shoulder,J
checkingJ
toJ
makeJ
sureJ
thatJ
MomJ
isJ
sleeping
soundly,J
andJ
thenJ
turnJ
downJ
theJ
volumeJ
beforeJ
IJ
hi`
PLAYi
TheJ
videoJ
isJ
notJ
completelyJ
rewound,J
andJ
theJ
part
thatJ
popsJ
upJ
on-screenJ
isJ
theJ
beginningJ
ofJ
theJ
reception
dinner. Our guests are seated in the banquet room of the
Glenmont Country Club, which is near a golf course in a
swanky little town just outside Baltimore. TheJ
camera is
focusedJ
onJ
theJ
entranceJ
doorway,J
butJ
youJ
canJ
seeJ
thL
dance ..oor and the band too. I
sing the microphone, the
leadJ
singerJ
says,J
LetsJ
introduceJ
theJ
weddingJ
party
Philly style, at which point the horn section of the band
beginsJ
playingJ
theJ
openingJ
notesJ
ofJ
GonnaJ
FlyJ
Now!
TheJ
guitaristJ
andJ
bassistJ
andJ
drummerJ
soonJ
begin
playing,J
andJ
evenJ
thoughJ
itJ
doesntJ
soundJ
exactlyJ
likL
yQ
gs[
yk
RockysJ
themeJ
song,J
itsJ
closeJ
enoughJ
toJ
getJ
theJ
job
donei
Parents of the groom, Mr. and Mrs. Patrick Peoples!E
Our guests clap politely as my mom and dad cross the
danceJ
..oorJ
armJ
inJ
arm,J
andJ
theJ
painfulJ
expressionJ
oW
myJ
fathersJ
faceJ
suggestsJ
thatJ
thisJ
wasJ
oneJ
ofJ
theJ
worst
experiences of his lifebeing announced at my weddingi
Parents of the bride, Mr. and Mrs. George Gates.E
NikkisJ
parentsJ
doJ
aJ
littleJ
skippingJ
routineJ
intoJ
the
banquetJ
hall,J
makingJ
themJ
lookJ
sloshed,J
whichJ
they
were,J
andJ
IJ
laughJ
thinkingJ
aboutJ
howJ
muchJ
funJ
myJ
in-
lawsJ
wereJ
whenJ
theyJ
drank.J
IJ
reallyJ
doJ
missJ
Nikkis
parentsi
Bridesmaid,J
ElizabethJ
Richards,J
andJ
groomsman,
Ronnie Brown.E
LizJ
andJ
RonnieJ
comeJ
outJ
wavingJ
toJ
ourJ
guests,J
asJ
if
theyJ
areJ
royaltyJ
orJ
something,J
whichJ
wasJ
strange,J
and
theJ
tacticJ
allJ
butJ
mutesJ
theirJ
applause.J
RonnieJ
looks
youngJ
inJ
theJ
video,J
andJ
IJ
thinkJ
aboutJ
howJ
heJ
wasJ
no`
yetJ
aJ
father,J
howJ
EmilyJ
didJ
notJ
evenJ
existJ
whenJ
this
video was shoti
Maid of honor, Wendy Rumsford, and bestJ
man, Jake
Peoples!E
JakeJ
andJ
WendyJ
walkJ
acrossJ
theJ
danceJ
..oorJ
and
directlyJ
towardJ
theJ
cameraJ
untilJ
theirJ
facesJ
areJ
life-sizL
onJ
myJ
fathersJ
hugeJ
..at-screenJ
television.J
WendyJ
jus`
sortJ
ofJ
screamsJ
likeJ
sheJ
isJ
atJ
anJ
EaglesJ
gameJ
oU
[
f[
sks[
gsg
something, but Jake says, I love you, brother! and then
kissesJ
theJ
cameraJ
lens,J
leavingJ
aJ
lip-shapedJ
smudge
mark.J
IJ
seeJ
theJ
videographersJ
handJ
emergeJ
andJ
quickly
wipe the lens with a piece of clothi
AndJ
now,J
forJ
theJ
..rstJ
timeJ
ever,J
allowJ
meJ
to
introduce Mr. and Mrs. Pat Peoples!E
EveryoneJ
standsJ
andJ
cheersJ
asJ
weJ
walkJ
intoJ
the
banquetJ
room.J
NikkiJ
looksJ
soJ
prettyJ
inJ
herJ
wedding
dress.J
ShesJ
holdingJ
herJ
headJ
inJ
thatJ
cute,J
shyJ
position,
withJ
herJ
chinJ
closeJ
toJ
herJ
chest,J
andJ
seeingJ
herJ
now
makes me cry because I miss her so muchi
WhenJ
weJ
moveJ
toJ
theJ
danceJ
..oor,J
theJ
bandJ
shifts
gears,J
andJ
IJ
hearJ
thoseJ
sexyJ
synthesizerJ
chords,J
faint
high-hatJ
taps,J
andJ
then theJ
sopranoJ
saxophonistJ
steps
forward and Songbird takes flighti
SomethingJ
inJ
myJ
mindJ
beginsJ
toJ
melt,J
andJ
itJ
feelsJ
as
thoughJ
IJ
amJ
experiencingJ
anJ
ice-creamJ
headacheorJ
as
ifJ
someoneJ
isJ
churningJ
myJ
brainJ
withJ
anJ
iceJ
pick.J
Im
notJ
seeingJ
theJ
televisionJ
screenJ
anymore,J
ImJ
seeingJ
the
roadJ
throughJ
aJ
foggedJ
windshield,J
andJ
itsJ
raining
somethingJ
..erce.J
ItsJ
notJ
evenJ
fourJ
inJ
theJ
afternoon,J
but
its as dark as midnight. Im upset because we have a big
gameJ
comingJ
upJ
andJ
yetJ
theJ
gymJ
roofJ
isJ
leakingJ
again
likeJ
aJ
sieve,J
whichJ
hasJ
forcedJ
meJ
toJ
cancelJ
basketbalc
practicei
All I want to do is take a shower and then watch game
tapesi
[
ButJ
whenJ
IJ
enterJ
myJ
house,J
IJ
hearJ
aJ
sopranoJ
sax
moaning,J
andJ
itsJ
strangeJ
toJ
hearJ
KennyJ
GsJ
smoothJ
jazz
comingJ
fromJ
myJ
bathroomJ
atJ
aJ
timeJ
likeJ
this.J
Mr.J
Gs
notes are swirling all about. I open the bathroom door; I
feelJ
theJ
steamJ
lickJ
myJ
skin,J
andJ
IJ
wonderJ
whyJ
NikkiJ
is
listeningJ
toJ
ourJ
weddingJ
songJ
inJ
theJ
shower.J
KennyJ
Gs
soloJ
hasJ
reachedJ
aJ
climaxJ
onceJ
more.J
TheJ
CDJ
playerJ
is
onJ
theJ
sink,J
andJ
twoJ
pilesJ
ofJ
clothesJ
restJ
onJ
theJ
..oor^
and a pair of mens glasses are on the sink next to the CDplayer. Sexy synthesizer
chords, faint high-hat tapsi
YouJ
fuckingJ
whore!J
IJ
screamJ
asJ
IJ
ripJ
theJ
showercurtain off the rod, exposing so much awful, soapy fleshi
ImJ
standingJ
inJ
theJ
tub.J
MyJ
handsJ
areJ
aroundJ
his
throat.J
ImJ
betweenJ
themJ
now,J
theJ
showerJ
isJ
spraying
the back of my coat with hot spokes, weighing down my
sweatpants,J
andJ
heJ
isJ
inJ
theJ
air,J
beggingJ
meJ
withJ
his
eyes, pleading for a breath of air. His hands are trying to
breakJ
myJ
grip,J
butJ
heJ
isJ
aJ
tiny,J
weakJ
man.J
NikkiJ
is
screaming;J
KennyJ
GJ
isJ
playing;J
NikkisJ
loverJ
isJ
turning
purple. Hes so small, I can hold him up against the tiles
withJ
oneJ
hand.J
IJ
cockJ
myJ
elbowJ
back,J
squeezeJ
aJ
tight,
teeth-shattering ..st, and take aim. His nose explodes like
a packet of ketchup. His eyes are rolling into the back of
his head; his handsJ
have fallenJ
away from mine. When I
cock back my ..st a second time, the music stops playing,
andJ
thenJ
ImJ
onJ
myJ
backJ
inJ
theJ
tubJ
andJ
NikkisJ
naked
loverJ
hasJ
fallenJ
outJ
ofJ
theJ
tubJ
andJ
nakedJ
NikkiJ
is
holding the CD player in her trembling hands. When I tr]
g]
gsy
toJ
stand,J
sheJ
smashesJ
theJ
CDJ
playerJ
overJ
myJ
headJ
once
more;J
myJ
kneesJ
giveJ
out,J
andJ
IJ
seeJ
theJ
silverJ
faucetJ
risL
likeJ
someJ
fat,J
shinyJ
snakeJ
toJ
strikeJ
theJ
hardJ
spotJ
jus`
above my right eyebrow, and theng
IJ
wakeJ
upJ
inJ
aJ
hospitalJ
andJ
immediatelyJ
begin
vomitingJ
allJ
overJ
myself,J
untilJ
nursesJ
arriveJ
andJ
tellJ
me
notJ
toJ
moveJ
myJ
head.J
AndJ
ImJ
cryingJ
andJ
callingJ
foU
Nikki,J
butJ
sheJ
doesJ
notJ
comeJ
toJ
me.J
MyJ
headJ
hurtsJ
so
badly.J
WhenJ
IJ
touchJ
myJ
forehead,J
IJ
feelJ
someJ
sortJ
of
bandage,J
butJ
thenJ
myJ
handsJ
areJ
beingJ
forcedJ
toJ
my
sides.J
TheJ
nursesJ
areJ
screamingJ
andJ
holdingJ
meJ
down,
and then doctors are restraining me too. I feel a prick in
my arm, and S
WhenJ
IJ
blink,J
IJ
seeJ
myJ
re..ectionJ
inJ
theJ
blankJ
television
screen.J
TheJ
videoJ
hasJ
ended.J
IJ
lookJ
life-sizeJ
onJ
my
fathersJ
..atJ
screen,J
andJ
IJ
canJ
seeJ
myJ
motherJ
asleepJ
on
theJ
couch,J
justJ
overJ
myJ
rightJ
shoulder.J
AsJ
IJ
continueJ
to
stareJ
atJ
myself,J
myJ
littleJ
whiteJ
scarJ
beginsJ
toJ
itch,J
butJ
I
do not really want to smash my forehead with my fisti
I ..nd my feet and crutch my way into the kitchen. The
addressJ
bookJ
isJ
stillJ
inJ
theJ
cabinetJ
aboveJ
theJ
stove.J
I
placeJ
aJ
callJ
toJ
JakesJ
apartment.J
AsJ
theJ
phoneJ
rings,J
I
lookJ
atJ
theJ
microwaveJ
andJ
seeJ
thatJ
itJ
isJ
2:54J
a.m.,J
butJ
I
remember that Jake is at a swanky hotel party and wont
be home until tomorrow, so I decide to leave a messagei
[
s[
Hello,J
youveJ
reachedJ
JakeJ
andJ
CaitlinsJ
machine.
Please leave a message after the beep. Beepi
Jake, its your brother, Pat. I need a huge favor E
Best IntentionD
PatM
Its been a while, hopefully long enoughX
If you havent ripped up this letter already, please read
untilF
theF
end.F
AsF
youF
haveF
discovered,F
IF
amF
aF
much
better writer than I am a speaker at this point in my lifeX
Everybody hates meX
DidF
youF
knowF
yourF
brotherF
cameF
toF
myF
houseF
and
threatenedF
toF
killF
meF
ifF
IF
madeF
contactF
withF
you?F
His
sincerityF
scaredF
meenoughF
toF
keepF
meF
fromF
writinW
earlier.F
EvenF
myF
parentsF
haveF
reproachedF
meF
for
pretendingF
toF
beF
Nikki.F
MyF
therapistF
saysF
myF
betrayal
mightF
notF
beF
forgivable,F
andF
byF
theF
wayF
sheF
kept
repeatingF
theF
wordF
unforgivable,F
IF
couldF
tellF
sheF
was
very disappointed in me. But the truth is, I did it for your
bene..t.F
Yes,F
IF
wasF
hopingF
thatF
onceF
youF
foundF
closure
and got over Nikki, you would want to give me a shot
especiallyF
sinceF
weF
areF
suchF
greatF
danceF
partners,F
we
both enjoy running, we are in similar housing situationsM
Q
h
and lets face it, were both ..ghting hard to maintain our
gripF
onF
reality.F
We haveF
aF
lotF
inF
common,F
Pat.F
IF
still
believe you fell into my life for a reasonX
Because I love you, I want to tell you something I have
neverF
toldF
anyoneexceptF
myF
therapist.F
ItsF
sortF
of
screwedF
up,F
soF
IF
hopeF
youF
willF
beF
ableF
toF
handleF
it.F
At
..rst I wasnt going to tell you, but I ..gured the situation
couldnt get any worse, and maybe a little honesty could
go a long way right nowX
I dont know if you know this, but Tommy was a cop.
HeF
workedF
forF
theF
MeadowvilleF
PoliceF
DepartmentF
and
was assigned to the high school sort of as a counselor. So
halfF
ofF
hisF
hoursF
wereF
spentF
workingF
withF
and
counselingF
troubledF
teenagers,F
andF
theF
otherF
halfF
ofF
his
hoursF
heF
wasF
justF
aF
regularF
cop.F
ImF
tellingF
youF
this
because it is important to understand that Tommy was a
goodF
man.F
HeF
didF
notF
deserveF
toF
die,F
andF
hisF
death
absolutelyF
provesF
thatF
lifeF
isF
randomF
andF
fucked-upF
and
arbitrary, until you ..nd someone who can make sense of
it all for youif only temporarilyX
Anyway,F
TommyF
wasF
reallyF
goodF
withF
teenagers,F
and
heF
evenF
startedF
aF
clubF
atF
theF
highF
schoolF
designedF
to
raiseF
awarenessF
aboutF
theF
dangersF
ofF
drinkingF
and
driving.F
ManyF
ofF
theF
parentsF
thoughtF
theF
clubF
condoned
underageF
drinking,F
becauseF
itF
wasF
notF
anF
anti-underage-
drinkingF
clubF
butF
justF
anF
anti-drinking-and-drivingF
club,
soF
TommyF
hadF
toF
..ghtF
reallyF
hardF
toF
keepF
itF
a..oatX
TommyF
toldF
meF
thatF
aF
lotF
ofF
theF
highF
schoolF
kidsF
dran_
{
[
Q
Q
Q
Q
cQ
_
[
[
_
everyF
weekend,F
andF
underageF
drinkingF
wasF
even
condonedF
byF
manyF
ofF
theF
townsF
parents.F
AndF
the
funniestF
thingF
toF
meF
wasF
thatF
theF
kidsF
cameF
toF
himF
and
askedF
himF
toF
startF
theF
clubF
becauseF
theyF
wereF
worried
that someone was going to get hurt or die if their friends
kept driving home after parties. Can you imagine talking
toF
aF
copF
likeF
thatF
whenF
youF
wereF
aF
teenager?F
ThatsF
the
kind of guy Tommy was, people trusted him instantlyX
So Tommy organized assemblies and even put together
tQ
I
s teacherF
karaokeF
nightF
whereF
studentsF
couldF
pay
money to hear their favorite teachers perform the current
hits.F
TommyF
couldF
talkF
peopleF
intoF
doingF
thingsF
like
that. Id go to these events, and Tommy would be up on
theF
stageF
withF
allF
thoseF
teenagers,F
andF
hedF
beF
singing
and dancing with the other teachers, all of whom he had
convincedF
toF
dressF
upF
inF
wildF
costumesandF
parents,
students,F
administratorsF
wouldF
beF
allF
smiles.F
You
couldntF
helpF
it,F
becauseF
TommyF
wasF
suchF
aF
burstF
of
positiveF
energy.F
AndF
heF
alwaysF
gaveF
speechesF
during
theseF
eventslistingF
factsF
andF
statisticsF
aboutF
drinking
andF
driving.F
PeopleF
listenedF
toF
Tommy.F
PeopleF
loved
him. I loved him so fucking much, PatX
AF
funnyF
thingF
aboutF
TommyF
wasF
heF
likedF
toF
haveF
sex
a lot. He always wanted to make love. I mean, as soon as
heF
got homeF
from work,F
his handsF
were allF
over me. Id
wakeF
upF
everyF
morningF
andF
hedF
beF
onF
topF
ofF
me.F
We
couldF
hardlyF
eatF
aF
mealF
togetherF
withoutF
hisF
hands
slidingF
underF
theF
table,F
searchingF
forF
myF
legs.F
AndF
iT
[
[
Q
cQ
d
TommyF
wasF
home,F
thereF
wasF
noF
wayF
IdF
everF
get
throughF
aF
televisionF
show,F
becauseF
asF
soonF
asF
a
commercialF
cameF
on,F
hedF
beF
rockF
hardF
andF
givingF
me
thatF
look.F
ItF
wasF
prettyF
wild,F
andF
IF
lovedF
itF
forF
theF
..rst
tenF
yearsF
ofF
ourF
marriage.F
ButF
afterF
tenF
yearsF
ofF
nonstoS
sex, I got a little tired of it. I meanlife is more than sex,
right?F
SoF
oneF
brightF
sunnyF
morning,F
afterF
weF
hadF
just
..nishedF
makingF
loveF
underF
theF
kitchenF
table,F
the
teakettle whistled, so I stood and poured two cupsX
ImF
thinkingF
maybeF
weF
shouldF
limitF
sexF
toF
soF
many
times a week, I saidX
IllF
neverF
forgetF
theF
lookF
onF
hisF
face.F
HeF
lookedF
asF
ifF
I
had shot him in the stomachX
Is something wrong? he said. Am I doing something
wrong?u
No. Its not like that at all.u
Then what?u
IF
dont know.F
Is itF
normal toF
have sexF
several times a
day?u
Dont you love me anymore? Tommy asked me with
thisF
wounded-little-boyF
lookF
IF
stillF
seeF
wheneverF
IF
close
my eyes at nightX
OfF
courseF
IF
toldF
TommyF
IF
lovedF
himF
moreF
thanF
ever,
butF
IF
justF
wantedF
toF
slowF
downF
aF
littleF
withF
theF
sex.F
I
toldF
himF
IF
wantedF
toF
talkF
withF
himF
more,F
takeF
walks,
andF
..ndF
someF
newF
hobbies,F
soF
sexF
couldF
beF
special
again.F
HavingF
thisF
muchF
sex,F
IF
toldF
him,F
sortF
ofF
takeD
p
Q
cQ
[
Q
_
theF
magicF
outF
ofF
it.F
ForF
someF
oddF
reason,F
IF
remembersuggesting that we go horseback ridingX
So youre telling meF
the magicF
is gone? he said, andthat question was the last thing he ever did say to me.F
So
youre telling me the magic is goneo
I remember talking a lot after he said that, telling himweF
couldF
haveF
sexF
asF
muchF
asF
heF
wantedF
andF
thatF
this
wasF
justF
aF
suggestion,F
butF
heF
wasF
wounded.F
HeF
was
lookingF
atF
meF
suspiciouslyF
theF
wholeF
time,F
asF
ifF
IF
were
cheatingF
onF
himF
orF
somethingF
likeF
that.F
ButF
IF
wasnt.F
I
justF
wantedF
toF
slowF
downF
aF
littleF
soF
IF
couldF
appreciate
sex more. Too much of a good thing, was all I wanted to
tell him. But it was clear I had hurt him, because before I
could ..nish explaining, he stood up and went upstairs totake a shower. He left
the house without saying goodbyeX
I got the call at work. All I remember hearing was thatTommyF
wasF
hurtF
andF
hadF
beenF
rushedF
toF
WestF
Jersey
Hospital. When I got to the hospital, there were a dozen
men inF
blue uniforms, cops everywhere. Their glisteningeyes told meX
LaterF
IF
wouldF
..ndF
outF
thatF
TommyF
hadF
goneF
toF
theCherryF
HillF
MallF
duringF
hisF
lunchF
break.F
TheyF
foundF
a
VictoriasF
SecretF
bagF
fullF
ofF
lingerieF
inF
hisF
cruiserevery
pieceF
wasF
myF
size.F
OnF
hisF
wayF
backF
toF
Meadowville,F
he
stoppedF
onF
theF
highwayF
toF
helpF
anF
elderlyF
woman
whoseF
carF
hadF
brokenF
down.F
TommyF
calledF
herF
aF
tow
truck, butF
thenF
heF
stoodF
atF
theF
nervousF
oldF
ladyD
c_
Q
Q
[
Q
[
d
windowF
chattingF
withF
her,F
keepingF
herF
companyF
while
sheF
waited.F
TommyF
wasF
alwaysF
chattingF
withF
people
likeF
that.F
TheF
cruiserF
wasF
behindF
him,F
theF
lightsF
were
going,F
butF
heF
wasF
standingF
atF
theF
edgeF
ofF
theF
highways
breakdownF
lane.F
SomeF
driverF
whoF
hadF
drunkF
hisF
lunch
dropped his cell phone, and when he bent down to pick
it up, he pulled the wheel to the right, crossed two lanes,
and z
TheF
leadF
inF
theF
localF
paperF
readF
PoliceF
O..cer
ThomasF
ReedwhoF
wasF
responsibleF
forF
starting
MeadowvilleF
HighF
SchoolsF
Anti-Drinking-and-Driving
Clubwas killed by a drunk driver. It was all so ironic,
almost funny in a sadistic way. There were so many cops
atF
hisF
funeral.F
KidsF
fromF
theF
highF
schoolF
madeF
ourF
front
lawn into a living memorialthey stood on the sidewalk
withF
candlesF
andF
..owers.F
WhenF
IF
refusedF
toF
goF
outside,
theseF
teenagersF
sangF
soF
sweetlyF
toF
meF
throughF
theF
..rst
fewF
evenings,F
aF
chorusF
ofF
sad,F
beautifulF
voices.F
Our
friendsF
broughtF
food,F
FatherF
CareyF
talkedF
toF
meF
about
heaven,F
myF
parentsF
criedF
withF
me,F
andF
RonnieF
and
VeronicaF
stayedF
atF
ourF
houseF
forF
theF
..rstF
fewF
weeksF
or
so.F
ButF
theF
onlyF
thingF
IF
couldF
thinkF
aboutF
wasF
how
TommyF
diedF
believingF
IF
noF
longerF
wantedF
toF
haveF
sex
withF
him.F
IF
feltF
soF
guilty,F
Pat.F
IF
wantedF
toF
die.F
IF
kepE
thinkingF
heF
wouldF
notF
haveF
goneF
toF
VictoriasF
SecretF
on
hisF
lunch breakF
if weF
had notF
hadF
the ..ght,F
and then he
wouldF
haveF
neverF
passedF
theF
oldF
womanF
inF
theF
broken-
down car, which meant he would not have been killed. G
[
]
Q
cQ
Q
[
Q
_
d
felt so guilty. I still feel so fucking guiltyX
After a few weeks I went back to work, but everything
inF
myF
mindF
gotF
switchedF
up.F
MyF
guiltF
turnedF
toF
need,
and suddenly I was craving sex very badly. So I started to
fuckF
menanyF
manF
whoF
wasF
game.F
AllF
IF
reallyF
hadF
to
doF
wasF
lookF
atF
aF
manF
inF
thatF
certainF
way,F
andF
withinF
a
fewF
secondsF
IF
knewF
ifF
theyF
wereF
goingF
toF
fuckF
me.F
And
when they did, I would close my eyes and pretend it was
Tommy.F
To beF
withF
myF
husbandF
again,F
IdF
fuckF
men
anywhere. In a car. In the coatroom at work. In an alley.
BehindF
aF
bush.F
InF
aF
publicF
restroom.F
Anywhere.F
ButF
in
myF
mind,F
itF
wasF
alwaysF
underF
theF
kitchenF
table,F
and
TommyF
hadF
comeF
backF
toF
me,F
andF
IF
hadF
toldF
himF
I
wasntF
tiredF
ofF
havingF
sex,F
butF
wouldF
makeF
loveF
toF
him
asF
manyF
timesF
asF
heF
needed,F
becauseF
IF
lovedF
himF
with
all my heartX
IF
wasF
sick.F
AndF
thereF
wasF
noF
shortageF
ofF
menF
who
were eager to capitalize on my sickness. There were men
everywhereF
whowithF
gleewouldF
fuckF
thisF
mentally
ill womanX
OfF
courseF
thisF
ledF
toF
myF
losingF
myF
job,F
therapy,F
and
manyF
medicalF
tests.F
Luckily,F
IF
didF
notF
contractF
any
diseases, and Id be happy to get tested again if that ever
becomesF
anF
issueF
forF
us.F
ButF
evenF
ifF
IF
hadF
contracted
AIDSF
orF
whatever,F
itF
wouldF
haveF
beenF
worthF
itF
toF
meF
at
theF
time,F
becauseF
IF
neededF
thatF
closure.F
IF
neededF
that
forgiveness.F
IF
neededF
toF
liveF
outF
theF
fantasy.F
IF
neededF
to
fuck away my guilt so I could break out of the fog I waD
c_
]
[
_
h
in, to feel something, to feelF
anything, andF
beginF
toF
start
myF
lifeF
again,F
whichF
IF
amF
onlyF
nowF
beginningF
toF
do
since we became friendsX
IF
haveF
toF
admitF
thatF
duringF
VeronicasF
dinnerF
partyF
I
only thought of you as an easy lay. I sized you up in your
stupidF
EaglesF
jerseyF
andF
..guredF
IF
couldF
getF
youF
toF
fuck
me,F
soF
IF
couldF
pretendF
youF
wereF
Tommy.F
IF
hadntF
done
itF
inF
aF
longF
time.F
IF
noF
longerF
wantedF
toF
haveF
sexF
with
strangers,F
butF
youF
werentF
aF
stranger.F
YouF
werC
handpicked by my own sister. You were a safe man with
whomF
RonnieF
wasF
tryingF
toF
setF
meF
up.F
SoF
IF
..guredF
I
wouldF
beginF
toF
haveF
sexF
withF
youF
regularly,F
justF
soF
I
could fantasize about Tommy againX
ButF
whenF
youF
heldF
meF
inF
frontF
ofF
myF
parentsF
house,
andF
whenF
youF
criedF
withF
me,F
thingsF
changedinF
aF
very
dramaticF
way.F
IF
didF
notF
understandF
itF
atF
..rst,F
butF
asF
we
ran together and ate raisin bran at the diner and went to
theF
beachF
andF
becameF
friendssimplyF
friends,F
without
anyF
sexF
toF
complicateF
thingsitF
wasF
sortF
ofF
niceF
in a
wayF
IF
hadntF
anticipated.F
IF
justF
likedF
beingF
aroundF
you,
even if we didnt say anythingX
IF
knewF
IF
hadF
feelingsF
forF
youF
whenF
IF
beganF
toF
cringe
inwardlyF
atF
theF
soundF
ofF
NikkisF
name.F
ItF
wasF
obvious
youF
wereF
notF
everF
goingF
toF
getF
backF
togetherF
withF
your
wife, so I called your mom and got her drunk at the local
bar,F
andF
sheF
toldF
meF
everythingF
aboutF
you.F
YouF
didnt
seeF
me, butF
I wasF
in theF
driveway whenF
she came home
so loaded and you helped her into the house. I drove heZ
d[
dhdQ
hQ
dh
home that night. After what happened to Tommy, I dont
drinkF
atF
all.F
WeveF
beenF
meetingF
everyF
weekF
since,F
Pat.
SheF
neededF
aF
friend;F
sheF
neededF
toF
talkF
toF
someone
aboutF
yourF
father.F
SoF
IF
listened.F
AtF
..rstF
IF
wasF
justF
using
herF
forF
information,F
butF
nowF
weF
areF
sortF
ofF
girlfriends.
SheF
didF
notF
knowF
aboutF
theF
lettersF
IF
wasF
writingF
as
Nikki, and she was really mad at me for a while after the
ChristmasF
episode,F
butF
sheF
knowsF
aboutF
thisF
letter
obviously,F
sinceF
sheF
deliveredF
itF
forF
me.F
SheF
isF
aF
very
strongF
andF
forgivingF
woman,F
Pat.F
SheF
deservesF
better
than your father, and maybe you deserve better than me.
Life is funny like thatX
IF
wroteF
thoseF
lettersF
hopingF
toF
provideF
youF
withF
the
closureF
IF
somehowF
foundF
throughF
casualF
sexF
after
TommyF
died.F
PleaseF
knowF
IF
beganF
theF
liaisonF
scheme
onlyF
afterF
IF
wasF
certainF
thatF
NikkiF
wouldF
neverF
agreeF
to
talkF
toF
youF
againF
underF
anyF
circumstance.F
MaybeF
you
willF
neverF
beF
ableF
toF
forgiveF
me,F
butF
IF
wantedF
youF
to
knowF
IF
hadF
theF
bestF
intentionsandF
IF
stillF
loveF
youF
in
my own fucked-up wayX
I miss you, Pat. I really do. Can we at least be friendso
TiffanV
BooyahG
WhenK
DannyK
..nishesK
readingK
Ti..anysK
latestK
letter,K
he
sighs,K
scratchesK
hisK
Afro,K
andK
looksK
outK
myK
bedroom
window for a long time. I want his reaction because he is
theK
onlyK
personK
IK
knowK
whoK
doesntK
alreadyK
haveK
a
strongK
opinionK
aboutK
Ti..any.K
EveryoneK
elseK
isK
obviously
biasedeven Cliff.
So,K
IK
..nallyK
sayK
fromK
myK
bed.K
ImK
sittingK
withK
mD
backK
againstK
theK
headboardK
andK
myK
castK
proppedK
upK
oJ
a few pillows. What do you think I should dC
DannyK
sitsK
down,K
opensK
upK
theK
ParcheesiK
box,K
an
takes out the hand-painted wooden board and pieces mD
motherK
gaveK
meK
forK
myK
birthday.K
IK
feelK
likeK
beingK
red
today, he says. What color you wan.
AfterK
IK
pickK
blue,K
weK
setK
upK
theK
boardK
onK
theK
littlI
tableK
myK
motherK
putK
inK
theK
roomK
forK
usK
whenK
IK
..rs.
cameK
homeK
withK
aK
brokenK
leg.K
WeK
playK
ParcheesiK
like
we always do when Danny visits, and it becomes obvious
that he isnt going to weigh in with an opinion regardin
Ti..any, probably because he knows that only I can make
thisK
decisionbutK
maybeK
becauseK
heK
justK
wantsK
to play
theK
game.K
HeK
lovesK
ParcheesiK
moreK
thanK
anyK
manK
IK
have
everK
met,K
andK
whenK
heK
landsK
onK
oneK
ofK
myK
spotsK
and
sendsK
oneK
ofK
myK
piecesK
backK
toK
theK
startK
circle,K
Danny
alwaysK
pointsK
atK
myK
faceK
andK
yells,K
Booyah!K
which
makes me laugh because he is so goddamn serious about
Parcheesi.
EvenK
thoughK
IK
dontK
reallyK
enjoyK
playingK
ParcheesiK
as
muchK
asK
DannyK
doesandK
heK
wontK
answerK
anyK
ofK
mD
questionsK
aboutK
Ti..anyitsK
niceK
toK
haveK
himK
backK
iJ
my life again.
WeK
playK
ParcheesiK
forK
soK
manyK
hoursdaysK
pass,K
an
myK
recordK
againstK
DannyK
growsK
toK
32K
winsK
andK
20L
losses. Danny is a supreme Parcheesi player, and the best
dice roller I have ever met. When he says, Papa needs a
doublet,K
heK
almostK
alwaysK
rollsK
twoK
sixes.K
Whatever
Papa needs, Danny rolls.
Break Free of a NimbostratuO
A week after my cast has been removed, I stand alone on
the footbridge in Knights Park, leaning my weight on the
railing,G
gazingG
downG
atG
aG
pondG
IG
couldG
walkG
aroundG
in
lessG
thanG
..veG
minutes.G
TheG
waterG
underneathG
meG
hasG
a
thinG
layerG
ofG
iceG
onG
top,G
andG
IG
thinkG
aboutG
dropping
rocks through it, but I do not know why, especially since
IG
haveG
noG
rocks.G
EvenG
still,G
IG
wantG
toG
dropG
rocksG
through
theG
iceG
soG
badly,G
toG
punctureG
it,G
provingG
thatG
itG
isG
weak
and temporary, to see the black water below rise up and
out of the hole I alone will have created#
IG
thinkG
aboutG
theG
hiddenG
..shmostlyG
thoseG
big
gold..shG
peopleG
stockG
theG
pondG
withG
soG
oldG
menG
will
haveG
somethingG
toG
feedG
inG
springG
andG
littleG
boysG
will
haveG
somethingG
toG
catchG
inG
theG
summer..shG
now
burrowedG
inG
theG
mudG
atG
theG
bottomG
ofG
theG
pond.G
OrG
are
theseG
..shG
burrowingG
justG
yet?G
WillG
theyG
waitG
untilG
the
pond freezes completely)
HeresG
aG
thought:G
ImG
likeG
HoldenG
Caul..eldG
thinkin]
_
u]
,
I_
Q
g
aboutG
ducks,G
onlyG
ImG
thirty-..veG
yearsG
oldG
andG
Holden
wasG
aG
teenager.G
MaybeG
theG
accidentG
knockedG
myG
brain
back into teenager mode)
PartG
ofG
meG
wantsG
toG
climbG
upG
ontoG
theG
railingG
and
jumpG
o..G
theG
bridge,G
whichG
isG
onlyG
tenG
yardsG
long,G
only
threeG
feetG
aboveG
theG
pond;G
partG
ofG
meG
wantsG
toG
breaF
throughG
theG
iceG
withG
myG
feet,G
toG
plungeG
down,G
down,
downG
intoG
theG
mud,G
whereG
IG
canG
sleepG
forG
monthsG
and
forgetG
aboutG
allG
IG
nowG
rememberG
andG
know.G
PartG
ofG
me
wishesG
IG
neverG
regainedG
myG
memory,G
thatG
IG
stillG
hadG
that
false hope to cling tothat I still had at least the idea of
Nikki to keep me moving forward#
WhenG
IG
..nallyG
lookG
upG
fromG
theG
iceG
andG
towardG
thD
soccerG
..elds,G
IG
seeG
thatG
Ti..anyG
hasG
acceptedG
my
invitationG
toG
meet,G
justG
likeG
Cli..G
saidG
sheG
would.G
SheG
is
only two inches tall in the distance, wearing a yellow ski
capG
andG
aG
whiteG
coatG
thatG
coversG
mostG
ofG
herG
thighs,
makingG
herG
lookG
likeG
aG
winglessG
angelG
growingG
and
growingandG
IG
watchG
herG
passG
theG
swingG
setsG
andG
the
large pavilion with picnic tables inside. I watch her walk
along the waters edge until she ..nally reaches her usual
height, which is five feet and a few inches tall#
WhenG
sheG
stepsG
ontoG
theG
footbridge,G
IG
immediately
look down at the thin layer of ice again#
Ti..anyG
walksG
overG
toG
meG
andG
standsG
soG
herG
armG
iO
almostG
touchingG
mine,G
butG
notG
quite.G
8
singG
my
peripheral vision, I see that she too is now looking dowW
[
g
atG
theG
thinG
layerG
ofG
ice,G
andG
IG
wonderG
ifG
sheG
alsoG
wishes
she could drop some rocks#
We stand like this for what seems like an hour, neither
of us saying anything#
MyG
faceG
getsG
veryG
cold,G
untilG
IG
canG
noG
longerG
feelG
my
nose or ears#
Finally,G
withoutG
lookingG
atG
Ti..any,G
IG
say,G
WhyG
didnt
youG
comeG
toG
myG
birthdayG
party?G
whichG
isG
aG
stupid
questionG
toG
poseG
atG
thisG
time,G
IG
realize,G
butG
IG
cantG
think
ofG
anythingG
elseG
toG
say,G
especiallyG
sinceG
IG
haventG
seen
Ti..anyG
forG
manyG
weeksnotG
sinceG
IG
screamedG
atG
herG
on
ChristmasG
Day.G
MyG
momG
saidG
sheG
invitedG
you.G
SoG
why
didnt you come?:
AfterG
aG
longG
pause,G
Ti..anyG
says,G
Well,G
likeG
IG
saidG
in
myG
letter,G
yourG
brotherG
threatenedG
toG
killG
meG
ifG
IG
made
contact with you. Also, Ronnie came to my house the day
beforeG
yourG
partyG
andG
forbadeG
meG
toG
go.G
HeG
saidG
they
never should have introduced us in the first place.:
IG
hadG
alreadyG
talkedG
toG
JakeG
aboutG
hisG
threat,G
butG
I
haveG
aG
hardG
timeG
imaginingG
RonnieG
sayingG
suchG
aG
thing
toG
Ti..any.G
AndG
yetG
IG
knowG
Ti..anyG
isG
tellingG
theG
truth.
SheG
seemsG
reallyG
hurtG
andG
vulnerableG
rightG
now,
especiallyG
becauseG
sheG
isG
sortG
ofG
chewingG
onG
herG
bottom
lip as if it were a piece of gum. Surely Ronnie said these
wordsG
againstG
VeronicasG
wishes.G
HisG
wifeG
wouldG
never
letG
himG
sayG
somethingG
soG
potentiallyG
ego-damagingG
to
Ti..any, and the thought of Ronnie keepingG
Ti..any froM
u]
g
attendingG
myG
partyG
makesG
meG
aG
littleG
proudG
ofG
myG
best
friend,G
especiallyG
sinceG
heG
wentG
againstG
hisG
wifesG
wishes
to protect me#
BrosG
B4G
HosG
isG
whatG
DannyG
saidG
toG
meG
everyG
timeG
I
wouldG
lamentG
Nikki,G
backG
whenG
weG
wereG
bothG
inG
the
badG
placebeforeG
heG
hadG
thatG
secondG
operation.G
InG
art
therapyG
class,G
DannyG
evenG
madeG
meG
aG
littleG
posterG
with
the words written in stylish gold letters, which I hung on
theG
wallG
spaceG
betweenG
myG
bedG
andG
myG
roommatD
JackiesbackG
inG
theG
badG
placebutG
oneG
ofG
theG
evil
nurses took Dannys artwork down when I was not in the
room,G
aG
factG
JackieG
con..rmedG
byG
blinkingG
andG
banging
hisG
headG
againstG
hisG
shoulder.G
EvenG
thoughG
IG
realizeG
the
phraseG
isG
sortG
ofG
sexistG
(becauseG
menG
shouldG
notG
referG
to
womenG
asG
hos),G
sayingG
BrosG
B4G
HosG
inG
myG
mindG
now
sortG
ofG
makesG
meG
smile,G
especiallyG
sinceG
RonnieG
isG
mT
best bro in New Jersey, now that Jake and Danny live in
PA#
Im sorry, Pat. Is that what you want to hear? Well, Ill
say it again, Im really, really fucking sorry. Even though
Ti..anyG
usesG
theG
f-word,G
herG
voiceG
sortG
ofG
quiversG
like
MomsG
whenG
sheG
saysG
somethingG
sheG
trulyG
means,G
andG
it
makesG
meG
thinkG
that Ti..anyG
mightG
actuallyG
startG
crying
rightG
hereG
onG
theG
bridge.G
ImG
aG
screwed-upG
personG
who
no longer knows how to communicate with the people I
love.G
ButG
IG
meantG
everythingG
IG
toldG
youG
inG
myG
letter.G
IfG
I
wereG
yourG
Nikki,G
IG
wouldG
haveG
comeG
backG
toG
youG
on
ChristmasG
Day,G
butG
ImG
notG
Nikki.G
IG
know.G
AndG
IM
;
Q
I_
[
I_
sorry.:
IG
dontG
knowG
whatG
toG
sayG
inG
response,G
soG
weG
stand
there for many minutes, saying nothing#
SuddenlyforG
someG
crazyG
reasonIG
wantG
toG
tell
Ti..any the ending of the movie, the one that was my old
life. I ..gure she should know the ending, especially since
sheG
hadG
aG
starringG
role.G
AndG
thenG
theG
wordsG
areG
spilling
out of me#
IG
decidedG
toG
confrontG
Nikki,G
justG
toG
letG
herG
knowG
I
rememberG
whatG
happenedG
betweenG
usG
butG
doG
notG
hold
anyG
grudges.G
MyG
brotherG
droveG
meG
toG
myG
oldG
houseG
in
Maryland, and it turnsG
out thatG
Nikki is still living there,
whichG
IG
thoughtG
wasG
sortG
ofG
strange,G
especiallyG
sinceG
she
has a new methis guy Phillip who works with Nikki as
aG
fellowG
EnglishG
teacherG
andG
alwaysG
usedG
toG
callG
meG
an
illiterateG
bu..oonG
becauseG
IG
neverG
usedG
toG
readG
literary
books,G
IG
say,G
leavingG
outG
theG
partG
aboutG
myG
strangling
andG
punchingG
nakedG
PhillipG
whenG
IG
caughtG
himG
inG
the
showerG
withG
Nikki,G
andG
ifG
IG
wereG
Phillip,G
IG
probably
would not want toG
live inG
my wifesG
ex-husbands house,
because that is just sort of weird, right?:
Ti..anyG
doesntG
sayG
anythingG
whenG
IG
pause,G
soG
IG
just
keep on talking#
WhenG
weG
droveG
downG
myG
oldG
street,G
itG
wasG
snowing,
whichG
isG
aG
littleG
moreG
rareG
inG
MarylandG
andG
thereforeG
E
bigG
deal toG
little kids.G
There wasG
only maybeG
a half inch
onG
theG
groundaG
dustingbutG
enoughG
toG
scoopG
upG
iW
]
Q
Q
]
Q
u]
u
yourG
hands.G
IG
sawG
NikkiG
outsideG
withG
Phillip,G
andG
theT
were playing with two childrenby the colorsG
each was
dressed in, I ..gured the one in navy blue was a little boy
andG
theG
oneG
mostlyG
inG
peachG
wasG
anG
evenG
littlerG
girl.
AfterG
we rolledG
by,G
IG
toldG
JakeG
toG
circleG
theG
blockG
anY
parkG
theG
carG
halfG
aG
blockG
awayG
soG
weG
couldG
watch
Nikkis new family play in the snow. My old house is on
aG
busyG
street,G
soG
weG
werentG
likelyG
toG
drawG
Nikkis
attention. Jake did asG
I askedG
and then killed the engine
butG
leftG
theG
windshieldG
wipersG
onG
soG
heG
couldG
see.G
I
rolledG
downG
myG
window,G
asG
IG
wasG
inG
theG
backseat
because of my cast, and we watched the family play for a
longG
timesoG
longG
thatG
JakeG
..nallyG
startedG
theG
carG
back
upG
andG
turnedG
onG
theG
heatG
becauseG
heG
wasG
tooG
cold.
Nikki was wearing the long green-and-white-striped scarf
IG
usedG
toG
wearG
toG
EaglesG
games,G
aG
brownG
barnG
coat,G
and
redG
mittens.G
HerG
strawberryG
blondG
hairG
hungG
freelyG
from
underG
herG
greenG
hat,G
soG
manyG
curls.G
TheyG
wereG
havingG
a
snowballG
..ght;G
NikkisG
newG
familyG
wasG
havingG
a
beautifulG
snowballG
..ght.G
YouG
couldG
tellG
theG
kidsG
loved
their father and mother, and the father loved the motherZ
andG
theG
motherG
lovedG
theG
father,G
andG
theG
parentsG
loveY
the childrenas they all tossed the snow at each other sI
lovingly,G
takingG
turnsG
chasingG
eachG
other,G
laughingG
and
fallingG
intoG
oneG
anothersG
heavilyG
bundledG
bodies,G
and
:
IG
pauseG
hereG
becauseG
IG
amG
havingG
troubleG
gettingG
the
words out of my throat#
AndG
IG
squintedG
hardG
tryingG
toG
seeG
NikkisG
face,G
and
evenG
fromG
aG
blockG
awayG
IG
couldG
tellG
sheG
wasG
smilingG
the
wholeG
timeG
andG
wasG
soG
veryG
happy,G
andG
somehowG
thaP
wasG
enoughG
forG
meG
toG
o..ciallyG
endG
apartG
timeG
andG
roll
the credits of my movie without evenG
confronting Nikki,
soG
IG
justG
askedG
JakeG
toG
driveG
meG
backG
toG
NewG
JerseyZ
which he did, because he is probably the best brother in
theG
entireG
world.G
SoG
IG
guessG
IG
justG
wantG
NikkiG
toG
be
happy,G
evenG
ifG
herG
happyG
lifeG
doesntG
includeG
me,
becauseG
IG
hadG
myG
chanceG
andG
IG
wasntG
aG
veryG
good
husband and Nikki was a great wife, and :
I have to pause again. I swallow several times#
AndG
ImG
justG
goingG
toG
rememberG
thatG
sceneG
asG
the
happyG
endingG
ofG
myG
oldG
lifesG
movie.G
NikkiG
havingG
a
snowballG
..ghtG
withG
herG
newG
family.G
SheG
lookedG
so
happyand her new husband, and her two children :
IG
stopG
talkingG
becauseG
noG
moreG
wordsG
willG
comeG
out.
ItsG
asG
ifG
theG
coldG
airG
hasG
alreadyG
frozenG
myG
tongueG
and
throatasG
ifG
theG
coldG
isG
spreadingG
downG
intoG
myG
lungs
and is freezing my chest from the inside out#
Tiffany and I stand on the bridge for a long time#
Even though my face is numb, I begin to feel a warmth
inG
myG
eyes,G
andG
suddenlyG
IG
realizeG
IG
amG
sortG
ofG
crying
again. I wipe my eyes and nose with my coat sleeve, and
then I am sobbing#
OnlyG
whenG
IG
..nishG
cryingG
doesG
Ti..anyG
..nallyG
speakZ
althoughG
sheG
doesntG
talkG
aboutG
Nikki.G
IG
gotG
youG
E
u]
_
Q
[
]
u
birthdayG
present,G
butG
itsG
nothingG
much.G
AndG
IG
didnt
wrapG
itG
orG
getG
youG
aG
cardG
orG
anything,G
because,G
wellG

becauseG
ImG
yourG
fucked-upG
friendG
whoG
doesG
notG
buy
cardsG
orG
wrapG
presents.G
AndG
IG
knowG
itsG
moreG
thanG
a
month late, but anyway :
SheG
takesG
o..G
herG
gloves,G
undoesG
aG
fewG
buttons,G
and
pulls my present from the inside pocket of her coat#
IG
takeG
itG
fromG
herG
hands,G
aG
collectionG
ofG
tenG
orG
so
heavilyG
laminatedG
pagesmaybeG
fourG
byG
eightG
inches
eachG
andG
heldG
togetherG
byG
aG
silverG
boltG
inG
theG
topG
left
corner. The cover reads,
SKYWATCHER6
CLO8
;
CHAR$
An easy to useZ
durable identifying charP
for all outdoor enthusiastO
You were always looking up at clouds when we used
toG
run,G
Ti..anyG
says,G
soG
IG
thoughtG
youG
mightG
likeG
toG
be
able to tell the difference between the shapes.:
WithG
excitement,G
IG
rotateG
theG
coverG
upwardG
soG
IG
can
readG
theG
..rstG
heavilyG
laminatedG
page.G
AfterG
readingG
al\
]
g
aboutG
theG
fourG
basicG
cloudG
shapesstratus,G
nimbus,
cumulus,G
andG
cirrusafterG
lookingG
atG
allG
theG
beautiful
picturesG
documentingG
theG
di..erentG
variationsG
ofG
theG
four
groups,G
somehowG
Ti..anyG
andG
IG
endG
upG
lyingG
onG
our
backsG
inG
theG
middleG
ofG
theG
exactG
soccerG
..eldG
IG
usedG
to
play on when I was a kid. We look up at the sky, and its
a sheet of winter gray, but Ti..any says maybe if we wait
longG
enough,G
aG
shapeG
willG
breakG
free,G
andG
weG
willG
be
ableG
toG
identifyG
theG
singleG
cloudG
usingG
myG
new
SkywatchersG
CloudG
Chart.G
WeG
lieG
thereG
onG
theG
frozen
groundG
forG
aG
veryG
longG
time,G
waiting,G
butG
allG
weG
seeG
up
in the sky is the solid gray blanket, which my new cloud
chartG
identi..esG
asG
aG
nimbostratusaG
grayG
cloudG
mass
fromG
whichG
widespreadG
andG
continuousG
rainG
orG
snow
falls.:
AfterG
aG
time,G
Ti..anysG
headG
endsG
upG
onG
myG
chest,G
and
myG
armG
endsG
upG
aroundG
herG
shouldersG
soG
thatG
IG
am
pulling her body close to mine. We shiver together alone
on the ..eld for what seems like hours. When it begins to
snow,G
theG
..akesG
fallG
hugeG
andG
fast.G
AlmostG
immediately
theG
..eldG
turnsG
white,G
andG
thisG
isG
whenG
Ti..anyG
whispers
theG
strangestG
thing.G
SheG
says,G
IG
needG
you,G
PatG
Peoples;G
I
need you so fucking bad, and then she begins to cry hot
tearsG
ontoG
myG
skinG
asG
sheG
kissesG
myG
neckG
softlyG
anY
sniffles#
It is a strange thing for her to say, so far removed from
aG
regularG
womansG
IG
loveG
you,G
andG
yetG
probablyG
more
true.G
ItG
feelsG
goodG
toG
holdG
Ti..anyG
closeG
toG
me,G
andG
[
uI]
I
remember what my mother said back when I tried to get
ridG
ofG
myG
friendG
byG
askingG
herG
toG
goG
toG
theG
dinerG
with
me. Mom said, You need friends, Pat. Everybody does.:
IG
alsoG
rememberG
thatG
Ti..anyG
liedG
toG
meG
forG
many
weeks; I remember the awful story Ronnie told me about
Ti..anysG
dismissalG
fromG
workG
andG
whatG
sheG
admittedG
tI
inG
herG
mostG
recentG
letter;G
IG
rememberG
justG
howG
bizarre
myG
friendshipG
withG
Ti..anyG
hasG
beenbutG
thenG
I
remember that no one else but Ti..any could really even
come close to understanding how I feel after losing Nikki
forever.G
IG
rememberG
thatG
apartG
timeG
isG
..nallyG
over,G
and
while Nikki is gone for good, I still have a woman in my
armsG
whoG
hasG
su..eredG
greatlyG
andG
desperatelyG
needsG
to
believeG
onceG
againG
thatG
sheG
isG
beautiful.G
InG
myG
armsG
isG
a
woman who has given me a Skywatchers Cloud Chart, a
woman who knows all my secrets, a woman who knowO
just how messed up my mind is, how many pills Im on,
andG
yetG
sheG
allowsG
meG
toG
holdG
herG
anyway.G
ThereO
something honest about allG
of this,G
and IG
cannot imagine
anyG
otherG
womanG
lyingG
inG
theG
middleG
ofG
aG
frozenG
soccer
..eldG
withG
meinG
theG
middleG
ofG
aG
snowstormG
even&
impossiblyG
hopingG
toG
seeG
aG
singleG
cloudG
breakG
freeG
ofG
a
nimbostratus#
NikkiG
wouldG
notG
haveG
doneG
thisG
forG
me,G
notG
evenG
on
her best day#
SoG
IG
pullG
Ti..anyG
aG
littleG
closer,G
kissG
theG
hardG
spot
betweenG
herG
perfectlyG
pluckedG
eyebrows,G
andG
afterG
a
deep breath, I say, I think I need you too.:
AcknowledgmentM
SpecialR
thanksR
toR
theR
kin,R
friends,R
mentors,R
andR
professionals
whoR
helpedR
meR
alongR
theR
wayR
andR
madeR
thisR
readR
possible:
Sarah Crichton, Kathy Daneman, Cailey Hall, and everyone else
atR
FSG;R
DougR
Stewart,R
SethR
Fishman,R
andR
everyoneR
elseR
at
SterlingR
LordR
Literistic;R
Al,R
DadR
Dog,R
Mom,R
Meg,R
Micah,R
Kelly,
BarbR
andR
Peague,R
JimR
Smith,R
BillR
andR
MoR
Rhoda,R
Peruvian
ScottR
Humfeld,R
CanadianR
ScottR
Caldwell,R
TimR
andR
Beth
Rayworth,R
MyfanwyR
Collins,R
RichardR
Panek,R
RachelR
Pollack,
BessR
ReedR
CurrenceR
(B),R
Du..y,R
Flem,R
Scorso,R
HelenaR
White,
TheR
WMsJeanR
Wertz,R
WallyR
Wilhoit,R
KalelaR
Williams,
KarenR
Terrey,R
BethR
Bigler,R
andR
TomR
LgerDaveR
Tavani,R
Lori
Litchman,R
AlanR
Barstow,R
LarzR
andR
Andrea,R
CoreyR
andR
Jen,R
Ben
andR
Jess,R
UncleR
Dave,R
AuntR
Carlotta,R
UncleR
Pete,R
andR
my
grandparents, Dink and H
A NOTE ABOH
T THE AH
THOJ
MatthewB
QuickB
hasB
livedB
hisB
wholeB
lifeborn,
raised,B
andB
educatedinB
andB
aroundB
theB
CityB
of
BrotherlyB
Love,B
exceptB
whenB
heB
didB
hisB
M.F.A.B
inB
New
EnglandB
andB
separationB
anxietyB
producedB
thisB
book.B
He
isB
anB
avidB
EaglesB
fanB
andB
livesB
withB
hisB
wifeB
inB
South
JerseyaB
..fteen-minuteB
driveB
fromB
LincolnB
Financial
Field. Go Birds! This is his first novelU