Hi dear, i'm writing this letter to you to tell what happened in the last hours here: actually me and

Gabri decided to go away from here and in one or two weeks we will be away in other rooms. So,
many things are changing and many will change, and for sure i know that i'll not be able to come to
India in September, and i don't know when i will come back, and if i will come back. Even if here is
more difficult to live i know that this is my place to be, for the moment, because my family needs me,
and i have to be with them, keeping with me what i learnt from there, from you. I hope u'll undertstand.
I tell you this, because i know what are your feelings for me, and because i want that u can be free to
live your life and your experiences there being independent from me, and that you can make project
for the future, knowing that from here i can be next to you, but in a different way from what i did when i
was there, and different from want u wanted to. Is very hard for me to say this, but i have to and its
very important to understand better who we are, and what our lives are want from us. I want to be
present in your life, even if im am far, and i hope that u can give me this possibility. Hug you, ti voglio
bene.

i understand. you are doing well and i am with you in this decision also. i appreciate that
you are dealing with your problems and not running from them. if you would have come
like that it would have been an escape and i definitely never wanted that. when you left
from here i did not expect anything and i am not waiting for your return if you don't want
to. i'll be very happy if you come, but only if you come totally. i do all this because i like to.
i hope you understand this. i never had any definite plan. to love you is the only plan. i'll
stick to it. if that brings me pain then let it be. i'll not choose fear. i am very happy that you
are concerned about my life of which you are an important part and one of the most
affecting one also. i am living my life and having experiences independent from
everything. i will be responsible for wherever i end up with this way. i took the jump. and
the question about when or if you are coming back.... i think in this distance we are
growing a lot and i will prefer that you take your time and come back late than having you
here nervous, confused and sad. and if you never come i don't know how it will be, never
thought about that. but strong i am and i'll manage the shit. i am here now for THE
EVERYTHING. i hope you know this.




you r not here and i feel molto stanco. so i find it the best time to write a few more things than what
would i say normally.
the thing is: i know that you are not coming back any soon; i never really was counting on it. i never
saw u and me in a settled down relation in india and you making chapatis for me.but living like this
when you are not around and knowing that you are in trouble and i can not even hug you is a pain
unbearable. it makes me sad a lot of times the unsure situation we are in. i dont know till when we will
continue to see online, and i dont know what will happen when it will stop. but i cant be scared of the
uncertainty we are in. i enjoy the process with you and i dont want you to change even an inch of your
course of life until its your and just your urge to do that. i am very fond of you; even if you say you are
lamerda a lot of times, i believe in you as someone special. i see you as someone with great potential
in her. this is may be my reason to stick around with you. i am waiting for you but not for your return
here. i think i wait for the possibility we have with each other. i always believed so much in us. it was
nice when u did for a few days. but you lost that because of a lot of possible reasons; may be you
were overwhelmed, may be you stopped to like me, may be you were scared to commit .i dont know.
but i know what i see in you. i think i am hopeful for both of us that we will grow together to find
something we can share our lives upon. its not here yet. may be it will never come. but i hope. i
dream. of you. all i want and i always wanted is to see you happy and satisfied. i am very happy that
you go to university and fulfill your dream, it will be a long time you'll spend there starting a new life
and meeting new people. i want you to be free and take decision independent of me(it is needless to
say because you'll do this way whether i like or not.) i am here because i want to. never feel it as a
pressure to show up if you dont want. there will be an end to all this one day; till then i want to be a
reason of your happiness. i want to be a strength. if i start to become a weakness or a reason of
sadness, i suggest you cut me loose. i really wish you find what your soul is searching for, with or
without me.
Dear Adi, ur letter gave me a nice possibility to think about what happened among us, with another
prospective, and before to answer i read yours five times. U really came in my life as a storm, i was
not expecting all this love u gave me, all this attencions u're able to give; when i came to India,as the
biggest part of Europeans tourists, i came there to find out what i am and what i am ready to give. Still
i am in the understanding process. I also believe in you as someone special, and as someone who
really knows himself and what he wants from life, and sometimes with u i felt very poor, and lot of the
times i hated my way to be instinctive, while u have a more relaxed attitude to life. I found out reading
your letter that i don't really know so much about the love u feel, maybe i never felt like that, or maybe
yes, but i don't know why i don't remember that; as i said to u there are 5 years of my life i complete
deleted from my mind, i think it was a defence not to suffer, or just a way to survive and go on. Now i
know that love i felt for the most of my boyfriends was a kind of love i can call "vaginal love", and even
if i was acted as a lover it was just because i had to, because of my guiltiness, and because i was in a
needing of something big in my life, i was in a needing of attention, of affection. This does not means
that i cannot love, this means that in a relationship now i'm not ready to give, and i don't feel this is the
moment for me to start something even because there are lots of things around that requires my
energy. I believed in us all the times i was forgetting that we had a deadline from which it was a big
question mark. I was questioning myself a lot that days and theese days still i am. When i decided to
come back to India it was (more than other reasons) because i wanted to know what is your place in
my life, what u are supposed to be. Then many events started, and i found out something else:
everytime in my life i did like this, i moved from Bari to Rome because of "love" (or what i was calling
love) and back from Rome to Bari because of "love". I was doing again with India without even
consider what my soul was requiring to me. Before to love u or anyone else i have to learn how to
love. This can seem to u a nice excuse to solve any discussion about, but is not. I never saw love
even in my family, from what i remember, my mother was a kind of iceberg, she was keeping
everything inside, my father is a kind of anaffective man, and me I never had examples of this big
thing u feel, and for the first time i saw in u, i was scared. In my way i love u, and i want u to be in my
life and with me, i find in u a landmark, a certainty, and i really love the freedom i feel when i am with
u, and is something ive never tried in my life. I dont have to dress myself as something i am not, i
can be just what i am, because u love this. I started beliving in me as an artist, as a painter just
because u believed in me. It was the very first time in my life that someone believed so much in me
and in my possibilities. I really need to say thanks to u. Mordecai Richler (one of my favourite writers)
says that Past is a foreign land in which things are done differently, i believe so much in this. There
are days in which i think that if i could come back at that days i would be less possessive of myself,
because now i can understand more, i can see more clearly myself and the big u. I cannot come back
and change our past: we did what we did and this is, i really have to accept it as it is. Now i dont
know what will be. I know i have to work a lot on myself to become pure, sometimes i feel like i am
so dirty inside, sometimes i feel like i show the others to more sure of myself then what i really am. I
found myself a child who still has to learn how to walk, and pretend to speak. I have a complaining
nature i have to cut off. I act as if i am strong but even wind can touch me, I still have to learn how to
breath deeply. Ure really one of the best person i have ever met in my small life, and even if i wanted
to get away from u, every time i did i found u more close to me, i found out that if i think that ure not
there with me i feel lost, completely. I thought that this was my weakness and still I think this is. As
more i was trying not to have a relationship the more i built, as more i tried to escape the more i halted
in that land of us. Now is difficult for me, as it is for u. I dont expect anything; we are far and is
impossible to hug when we want, if i urge to see u the maximum we can do is calling on skype and
have this illusion of being physically close, as close as our souls are. It makes me feel sad
sometimes, to be divided as always between here and there; to desire to be somewhere else, and
know that nothing can bring u there so easly. I have to say sorry for all the times i made u cry, i made
u sad, when i just wanted to make u happy, but i was unable because i am not. The only thing i know
now is that ill go to Perugia to follow my dream and im so glad of your support. I really hope to meet
u again one day, and i hope to be better that day, i really hope to stop being scared of happiness, and
to understand that i also deserve that. Sometimes i felt i was not deserving all u gave me, as if i was
guilty of something i dont know. What about u? I really believe ure doing your best in these days, and
im sure things will turn out very nicely in your life, that everything will be fine soon, because as i
always repeat to myself the darkest hour comes always before sunrise. I know that u will find urself
stronger when u will be out of this, as i will be once ill get out from this bad sea im in. I can see a
land not so far from me, is the island of quietness i was searching for. I have to swim a lot before to
get there, but im ready to do. I also hope to be a reason of happiness for u, as u are for me a reason
to work hard and become a better person. I really believe we met for a reason. Thank you for what u
are, for the beauty u have inside, and for all the things ure teaching me. Ill remember. Ti voglio bene,
tanto. With love, Francesca



dear francesca,
its a beautiful thing to read and I feel really BIG after reading it. i am so happy to know how see the
things that happened between us except the fact that every time you wrote about it you made me look
like a big lover and a life guru, which i am definitely not. i want to tell you that there are still things i
need to learn and with you i grew more than you can imagine. if i were that much of a guru, the wind
you brought in my life would not have shook me so hard. i had wounded hands to burn by salt. i think
we are fond of each other's qualities but more than that we love each other's imperfections.
in the crazy world of movindia-anarki; things are calmed down or may be i see my reflection. i know
where i am going and i feel more sure of myself with each passing day, with antoine and clem we
have testing times ahead but the past tells us that together we will pass through it nicely. i hope not to
hurt anyone and will do everything in my power to be fair and just. but in life sometimes we have to
choose. it makes me feel surer of all this when you say that i am doing my best. i'll make something
nice of all this and you'll be happy to see the results i am sure. i dont know what to say anymore. your
letter brought tears of joy in my eyes and i realized it is one of the very rare moments which comes
between two people where they almost understand each other.
i hope to make many more of these with you.
i am sending my love to you every moment and i know you can feel it. i feel yours.
take good care