The Tale of Sir Sidney Salt.

In a cold, cold castle

On a high, high hill
Lived a great grey Giant
Whose name was Bumptious Bill.
His wife was Woeful Wilma,
A moaning Minnie, she
And they lived in their castle
With their children, one, two, three.
There was big, boastful Boris,
Who thought he was the best
At everything he ever did,
He was better than the rest.
And if he ever chanced to lose
The games the three would play,
He would roar and scream and stamp his feet
Till the others ran away.
Number two was Lying Lawrence,
Who had an enquiring kind of mind,
Who could never keep the secret
Of anything hed find.
Hed tell his parents everything
When the other two were bad
And sometimes even make things up,
Which made the others mad.
The baby of the family
Was nasty Niggley Nell,
Who whined and whinged the whole day long
And gave the family hell.
Her face was always cross and sour,
Her scowls were mean and deep
And the only time she didnt scowl
Was when she was asleep.

Also in the castle,
Lived their granny, Granny Grumps
Who was never ever cheerful
And always in the dumps.
She muttered and she mumbled
And drooled into her soup
And the ghastly grand-giants all agreed
She was probably round the loop.
Roaming round the castle
Was their dog, named Dozy Dennis,
A flea bitten fido,
A mangy, moulting menace.
He stole food from the kitchen
And buried it in the bed
And Bumptious Bill quite often
Had to shut him in the shed.

So they lived in their cold, cold castle
In total misery,
Bill, Wilma, Granny and the dog
And their horrid children, three.
They lived there for a long, long time
And the days were all the same,
Till one day came a silver Knight
Whose horse had gone quite lame.
This Knight was called Sir Sidney Salt,
He was a brave and handsome knight,
He rode about, on a pure white horse,
Trying to do right.
Unfortunately for poor Sir Sid
Things often went quite wrong
And if ever things went right at all
It wasnt for very long.

Sir Sidney knocked on the castle door,
With a great and mighty knock
And then he stepped backwards from the door
And tripped over on a rock.
Lying Lawrence found him there
And went to tell his Dad,
But Bill would not believe him,
The story telling lad.
Then Boastful Boris came inside,
Carrying Sir Sid
And shouting, Dad, I found him first!
I did, I did, I did!
Niggley |Nell came in the room
And saw Sid lying there,
I want to play with him, she cried
And grabbed him by the hair.
She took him upstairs to her room

Oh we will be so happy
Cried Niggley Nell, as she dressed Sir Sid
In her giant dollys nappy.
She put a dummy in his mouth
And a bonnet on his head,
Wrapped him in a blanket
And popped him into bed.
So when Sir Sidney woke again,
He was in bed next to Nell.
He couldnt believe his eyes when he found
He was wearing baby clothes as well.
Now Niggley Nell was snoring,
Open mouthed and loud,
So brave Sir Sid crept out of bed,
Muttering, It shouldnt be allowed.

To dress a knight in baby clothes
Is the height of baddest taste.
Now I must find my armour
And leave with greatest haste.
Sid could not find his armour,
Just his boots and underwear
And as he quietly put them on,
He crept softly out of there.
He sneaked along the corridor,
As quiet as a mouse,
Wishing he was safe at home,
In his own country house.
Just as Sidney thought that he
Would make it home and free,
He heard a giant voice say,
Whos this a visiting me?

The voice was cranky, croaky,
Dim and very, very old
And sent shivers through the innards
Of this silver knight so bold.
It was ghastly Granny Grumps,
That gruesome grizzled gran
And when she saw Sir Sidney
She said, Come here, my little man.
Are you a small morsel
That my son has sent for me?
Come here my little manikin
So that I can better see.
It hardly looks as though, she said
There is much meat upon your bone
But Sir Sidney could not speak at all,
He could barely even moan.

I wonder, said old Granny Grumps
If youd taste good in cheese sauce
But Sir Sid, whod found his voice at last,
Said, Theres more meat upon my horse.
He grazes in a field
Which is really very near
And if you like, my aged dame
I could bring him to you, here.
Oh no, my dear, The granny said,
For I know youd not come back.
I think that I should eat you now,
My little Jumping Jack.
Control yourself, dear Madam
Our little hero cried,
As he stepped behind a curtain
And tried to quickly hide.

Oh dont be daft, said Granny Grumps.
You silly little man,
For most meals nowadays, she said
I eat mush, and soup and bran.
I have no teeth at all you see,
You would do me no good.
These days, unfortunately, dear
I only mumble food.
Sir Sidney bowed and said, Madam,
Now I know Im not a goner
I promise Ill send you special food,
You have my word of honour.
When I get home, youll have the best
Of spicy soups and sauces.
Of puddings pies and kegs of ale
And meals of several courses.

Youll have the pick of every food
That you can suck or mumble,
And now, Madam, I must take my leave.
Your servant Madam, humble.
Sir Sidney bowed his head down low,
In his boots and underwear
And as he raised his head , he heard
A voice say, Whats that there?
It was Big Boastful Boris
And he said to his Gran,
Well, well Granny dear,
I see youve found the little man.
Ive been looking for him everywhere
In the castles gloom
And now I want to take him
With me, to my room.

Boastful Boris told Dennis the Dog
(That scabby, silly pup)
To go right into Grannys room
And pick Sir Sidney up.
Being lifted in that slobbering mouth
Was not a pleasant feeling
And the smell of Dennis dinner
Left poor Sir Sidney reeling.
The horrid hound carried him
In through Boris door
And dropped Sir Sidney, from great height
On to the dusty floor.
Spluttering, Sid got to his feet
And eyed Big Boris boldly
And what pray, do you want from me?
He asked Big Boris, coldly.

Well, you are most courageous,
Replied Boris, bending down.
How long, I wonder , will it last,
My funny little clown.
I challenge you, my little knight,
To play a game or two,
Its well known that I never lose,
I always win, I do!
But if, by chance, I do not win
Then I will let you free,
Though of course that will not happen
For no one can beat me.
Now Boris wasnt very bright,
He didnt know, you see,
That everyone always let him win,
Just so that there could be

Throughout the cold, cold castle,
A small amount of quiet.
The family knew, if Boris lost,
He was inclined to riot.
A game of chess, I think well play,
Youre too small for larger games.
Its well known that my games the best
And so your life Ill claim.
So Sid and Boris settled down,
Their game of chess to play
And though Sir Sid could have won at once,
They sat till break of day.
And as the sun rose in the east
The game did finally end
And when Boris realised Sid had won,
He went totally round the bend.

He screamed and yelled and yelled and screamed
And stamped his great big feet
And shouted (spraying spit about)
Ill make of you mincemeat!
But Sid had quietly slipped away,
While Boris stormed about,
Hes pushed and shoved the heavy door
And squeezed himself right out.
Sid thought this time hed get right away,
Alas it was not to be,
As he was climbing down the giant stairs
He fell and banged his knee.
He sat right up and shook his head,
Feeling rather dizzy
When he heard a voice above him say,
Now dont get in a tizzy.

The voice was Lying Lawrences
And he picked Sid up by the neck.
(By this time Sid was feeling
Somewhat of a wreck)
Lawrence popped Sid in his pocket,
Along with several other things;
Some giant pre-chewed chewing gum,
Some marbles and some string.
Just the kind of things, Sid thought,
Owned by ordinary boys,
So its obvious that this big lump
Has not grown out of toys.
Sidney poked his head out of the pocket
As soon as he was able,
But, as he peered out, a giant hand
Lifted him onto the table.

Well, said Lying Lawrence,
You dont look like much of a knight,
Wearing only boots and underwear
You dont look like you could fight.
I bet youve never had adventures
With Princes, Queens and Kings.
I bet youve never seen
A dragon with red wings.
Sir Sidney spoke up loudly,
Please Sir, take a seat
And I will tell you tales
Of the monsters I did meet.
Of black knights on black horses
Of princesses in distress
And by the end youll realise
You should not judge me by my dress.

A man of honour, my dear boy
Can come in many guises.
Now listen to my stories,
Before your family rises.
And so then, for the next few hours,
Sir Sidney told his story.
Of battles fought and dragons slain
(And things not quite so gory)
Of beautiful princesses,
Of rich and powerful kings,
Of adventures all throughout the land
And many other things.
Well Lawrence he was gobsmacked,
His mouth hung open wide
And while he wasnt looking,
Sir Sidney slipped outside.

He found himself in the garden,
Outside the kitchen door
And when he saw Wilma and Bill,
He thought, Oh no not more.
It seems that I will never
Get myself out of here.
I wish I could say a magic spell
And make myself disappear.
Sir Sidney knew hed have to face
The quite enormous pair,
Hey you! he shouted loudly.
Hey, you two over there.
The giants turned their shaggy heads
And much to Sids surprise
The giants both looked most upset
And had tear drops in their eyes.

Sid bowed and said, Sir, Madam,
I am your servant true.
I pray, dear Giants tell to me
If theres anything I can do?
Sir Knight, said Bill, Ill tell you true,
Though you must think us mad.
Its our garden by the castle here
That makes us both so sad.
In days gone by, this garden here
Was beautiful to see,
But now the trees and plants are dead
Alas, ah woe is me.
Wilma turned to Sid and said,
If theres anything you can do,
I hope youll help us, gentle knight,
For were in a proper stew.

Sir Sidney bowed again
And said, I have a good idea,
I will help you with your garden,
If youll help me get out of here.
If you take me to my country house,
Well get everything we need;
Shrubs and plants and gardening tools,
My clothing and some seeds.
Tell the children to get busy
With their hoes and spades
And in no time you will see
What a garden well have made.
So off they set the three of them,
Wilma, Sir Sid and Bill
And they travelled over rivers,
Through valleys and up hills.

And through the days Sir Sidney learned
That giants werent so bad,
That the reason they were difficult
Was the terrible times theyd had.
Everyone expected giants
To be mean and cross and vicious,
The rumour of them eating folk,
Bill explained, was most malicious.
But because people expected them
To behave a certain way,
It had become a nasty habit.
Bill said, Im sorry to say,
That over many, many years,
Weve learned our parts too well
And almost come to believe, you know,
The tales that people tell.

With knights arriving at our door,
Their weapons drawn in passion.
Its hardly any wonder,
We respond in the same fashion.
But we are really just like you,
Just ordinary folk
And the trouble people give us
Has gone beyond a joke.
Well they reached Sids house eventually
And gathered all they needed,
For orchards to be planted
And gardens to be seeded.
Also food for Granny Grumps,
The softest mumbliest kind,
Puddings, pies and gravies,
The best that Sid could find.

For he had not forgot his promises,
This kind and gentle knight,
To bring food the gran could suck upon,
Because she could not bite.
The loaded carts and horses
With everything theyd need
And set off to the castle
With Sir Sidney in the lead.
And after many days had passed,
They finally made it there
And began to dig and plant the seeds
And apple trees and pear.
They planted flowers and vegetables
And many kinds of trees
And in the corner of the orchard
They put a hive of bees.

They repaired the walls and pathways
And when their work was done
Wilma cooked a giant feast,
Which they ate out in the sun,
Whilst they admired the garden,
The giants and the knight
And all agreed, these new found friends,
It was a lovely sight.
Wilma made the kids apologise
For the horrid things they did
And the three lined up and bowed their heads
And said sorry to Sir Sid.
Then Sir Sid told tales of his daring dos
And the valiant things hes done
And the giants all told stories too,
So they talked till the rising sun

Brought the birds to the garden
And the newly planted trees,
Then they breakfasted to bird song
And the sound of buzzing bees.
Then a bed was prepared for Sid to sleep
And he slept for a day and a night,
He was well rested when he woke
To the morning sunshine bright.
The giants found his armour,
Which Niggley Nell had hidden
And Bill had seen to Sir Sidneys horse
So that now he could be ridden.
The giants gave Sid many gifts,
Of silver and of gold,
And a blanket for Sir Sidneys horse,
To keep him from the cold.

With many, many promises
To always keep in touch,
They parted, all agreeing
They liked each other very much.
Many years have passed now
And the garden is well grown
And Niggley Nell and Boris
Have children of their own.
Sir Sidney visits with them,
Once or twice a year
And they have a great big party
With the best of foods and beer.
They still agree, every time they meet,
That they are the best of friends
And will remain so through the years
And so our story ends.