7 LANGUAGE TRAPS for the STRESSED TEACHER

It is the meaning you attah to an e!ent that "i## $etermine ho" you fee#% not the e!ent
itse#f& '()*+,
-. D/N0T
Don0t thin1 a2out your thum2& (What are you thinking about now?)
The brain cannot create a picture of what it is not thinking about. It can only create pictures of
what it is thinking about at the moment. The word dont first tells the brain to create an image of
the thing you are not supposed to do.
Don0t sit on the ta2#e.&
The brain hears sit on the table ! not and proceeds to dwell on sitting on the table" which is the
thing it has been told not to do.
#olution$ replace the negati%e with a positi%e e.g. please sit on your chair
). SH/ULD or ought to&supposed to&got to&need to&ha%e to
No" you are at Co##ege% you shou#$ 2eha!e #i1e an a$u#t.&
Is this a statement of personal %alues or some uni%ersal standard? 'oes the recei%er of this
message agree with it" or is it an issue of debate?
If your shou#$& is directed at others" their non(compliance will make you feel resentment.
#olution$ replace shou#$& with "ant& or hoose&.
)ow you are at *ollege" you can hoose to beha%e like an adult. (It might not work" but probably
neither will the shou#$& statement)
If you use a shou#$& on yourself (e.g. I should really do this marking)" you then ha%e to argue with
yourself. +ou may find that if you do not carry out the shou#$&" gui#t follows. If you simply comply
with the shou#$&" you may find that compliance can breed resentment" resentment can breed gui#t.
#olution$ replace shou#$& with "ant& or hoose&.
I shou#$ do this marking replaced by I "ant3hoose to do this marking , you do the marking.
I shou#$ do this marking" but I "ant3hoose to watch this play. , you watch the play and hoose to
do the marking another e%ening (and without guilt).
4. THE CRITICAL 5H67&
5hy ha!en0t you finishe$ this "or1sheet7&
This -uestion is .ust going to elicit an e/cuse. 0 more effecti%e strategy would be to address the
reality of the situation. It may be that the student needs some help" if they do" they will be more
likely to re%eal this if you do not sound o%erly critical.
#olution$ 6/U$ )ot finishing work set is going to lead to dropping behind with your coursework.
STUDENT$ I know" but I dont understand how to transpose this formula1
8. A9S/LUTES
6ou are a#"ays #ate to o##ege.&
2ost peoples beha%iour %aries" so it is likely that if you weigh in with an absolute" the criticised
person will be able to produce a reason why you are wrong.
#olution$ replace a#"ays& with often& or usua##y&. 3eplace ne!er& with se#$om&" rare#y& or
infre:uent#y&. 3eplace e!ery2o$y& with most& or a #ot&. 3eplace no2o$y& with fe"&% some&
or a ou(#e of&. E;A<PLE= +ou are often late to college 4aul.
>. THE /?ERL6 HELP@UL 5H6 D/N0T 6/UA7&
I $on0t 1no" "hat ourse to $o at Uni!ersity.&
It is not uncommon for students (and anyone else) to suffer from decision dilemmas. In these cases
it is important to help this process along" but it is %ital to encourage the indi%idual to be their own
problem(sol%er. The why dont you1? type of suggestion tends to be rather prescripti%e and is
similar to asking a closed -uestion. Try to make your suggestions more open.
#olution$ What alternati%es ha%e you already considered? or What do you think would happen if
you 1? or 5ow well do you think it would work if you 1? or If (time" money" energy etc) were not
an issue" what would you do?
B. 9UTS AND ANDS
6ou ha!e "or1e$ rea##y har$ o!er the #ast ) terms% 2ut it0s not #ong to the en$ of the year%
so you nee$ to ma1e sure that your assignments are han$e$ in on time.&
The 2ut& in the abo%e sentence con%eys that the first part of the sentence is less important than
what comes after it. The student may feel that their hard work so far is relati%ely unimportant
and" if so" may feel deflated or become demoti%ated.
The first part of the sentence represents a positi%e truth. The latter parts of the sentence" while
they represent truths" sound rather negati%e and could send the message unless you continue to
work hard" all your hard work so far will be for nothing.
This can be changed by changing the 2ut& to an$&. The an$& adds ideas with which the student
can agree" and changes the negati%e tone to a positi%e one.
#olution$ +ou ha%e worked really hard o%er the last 6 terms% an$ its not long to the end of the
year an$ you need to make sure that your assignments are handed in on time.
7. TR6 'N/T T/ @AIL+
Here is your home"or1% (#ease try to om(#ete it 2y the fo##o"ing #esson.&
5ow many of us ha%e been in%ited to a social e%ent that we really dont want to attend and reply$
Ill try to come along. This is another way of saying$ 7%er my dead body" mate" I wouldnt do that
if you paid me.
If at first you dont succeed" try" try" try again implies that you ha%e failed at least twice. #o if
you want to ma/imise success" gi%e une-ui%ocally positi%e messages.
#olution$ 5ere is your homework. 4lease complete it by the following lesson.
8inda 5arradine 699:. 5untingdonshire 3egional *ollege
,A$a(te$ from= Shen1% P. 5. ')CC)+ Great "ays to sa2otage a goo$ on!ersation USA= Stan$ar$ Press