THIS BOOK IS FOR: My mother, Linda, who showed me what a true champion is.

Kiri, or comp!etin" me as a man. Lu#e, the "reatest "it o my !ie, who in a sp!it
second made the Tour de France seem $ery sma!!. %!! o my doctors and nurses.
&im Ochowic', or the ritters( e$ery day. My teammates, Ke$in, Fran#ie, Ty!er,
)eor"e, and *hristian. &ohan Bruynee!. My sponsors. *hris *armichae!. Bi!!
Stap!eton or a!ways +ein" there. Ste$e ,o!-, my ad$ocate. Bart Kna""s, a man.s
man. &T /ea!, the tou"hest patient cancer has e$er seen. Ke!!y 0a$idson, a $ery
specia! !itt!e !ady. Thorn ,eise!. The &e- )ar$ey ami!y. The entire sta- o the
Lance %rmstron" Foundation. The cities o %ustin, Boone, Santa Bar+ara, and
/ice. Sa!!y &en#ins1we met to write a +oo# +ut you +ecame a dear riend a!on"
the way.
The authors wou!d !i#e to than# Bi!! Stap!eton o *apita! Sports 2entures and
3sther /ew+er" o I*M or sensin" what a "ood match we wou!d +e and +rin"in"
us to"ether on this +oo#. Stacy *reamer o 4utnam was a careu! and carin"
editor and Stuart *a!derwood pro$ided $a!ua+!e editoria! ad$ice and made
e$erythin" ri"ht. ,e.re "rateu! to %B* Sports or the comprehensi$e set o
hi"h!i"hts, and to Stacey Rodri"ues and 0a$id Mider or their assistance and
research. Ro+in Rather and 0a$id Murray were "enerous and tuneu! hosts in
%ustin. Than#s a!so to the editors o Women's Sports and Fitness ma"a'ine or the
patience and +ac#in", and to &e- )ar$ey or the hitched p!ane ride.
one
I ,%/T TO 0I3 %T % H5/0R30 63%RS OL0 ,ITH an %merican 7a" on my +ac# and
the star o Te8as on my he!met, ater screamin" down an %!pine descent on a
+icyc!e at 9: mi!es per hour. I want to cross one !ast ;nish !ine as my stud wie
and my ten chi!dren app!aud, and then I want to !ie down in a ;e!d o those
amous French sun7owers and "raceu!!y e8pire, the perect contradiction to my
once<anticipated poi"nant ear!y demise. % s!ow death is not or me. I don.t do
anythin" s!ow, not e$en +reathe. I do e$erythin" at a ast cadence: eat ast, s!eep
ast. It ma#es me cra'y when my wie, Kristin, dri$es our car, +ecause she +ra#es
at a!! the ye!!ow caution !i"hts, whi!e I s=uirm impatient!y in the passen"er seat.
>*ome on, don.t +e a s#irt,> I te!! her. >Lance,> she says, >marry a man.> I.$e spent
my !ie racin" my +i#e, rom the +ac# roads o %ustin, Te8as to the *hamps<
3!ysees, and I a!ways ;"ured i I died an untime!y death, it wou!d +e +ecause
some rancher in his 0od"e ?8? ran me head;rst into a ditch. Be!ie$e me, it cou!d
happen. *yc!ists ;"ht an on"oin" war with "uys in +i" truc#s, and so many
$ehic!es ha$e hit me, so many times, in so many countries, I.$e !ost count. I.$e
!earned how to ta#e out my own stitches: a!! you need is a pair o ;n"ernai!
c!ippers and a stron" stomach. I you saw my +ody underneath my racin" @ersey,
you.d #now what I.m ta!#in" a+out. I.$e "ot mar+!ed scars on +oth arms and
disco!ored mar#s up and down my !e"s, which I #eep c!ean<sha$en. May+e that.s
why truc#s are a!ways tryin" to run me o$erA they see my sissy<+oy ca!$es and
decide not to +ra#e. But cyc!ists ha$e to sha$e, +ecause when the "ra$e! "ets into
your s#in, it.s easier to c!ean and +anda"e i you ha$e no hair.
One minute you.re peda!in" a!on" a hi"hway, and the ne8t minute, boom, you.re
ace<down in the dirt. % +!ast o hot air hits you, you taste the acrid, oi!y e8haust
in the roo o your mouth, and a!! you can do is wa$e a ;st at the disappearin"
tai!!i"hts. *ancer was !i#e that. It was !i#e +ein" run o- the road +y a truc#, and
I.$e "ot the scars to pro$e it. There.s a puc#ered wound in my upper chest @ust
a+o$e my heart, which is where the catheter was imp!anted. % sur"ica! !ine runs
rom the ri"ht side o my "roin into my upper thi"h, where they cut out my
testic!e. But the rea! pri'es are two deep ha!<moons in my sca!p, as i I was #ic#ed
twice in the head +y a horse. Those are the !eto$ers rom +rain sur"ery. ,hen I
was B:, C "ot testicu!ar cancer and near!y died. I was "i$en !ess than a ?D percent
chance o sur$i$in", and ran#!y, some o my doctors were @ust +ein" #ind when
they "a$e me those odds. 0eath is not e8act!y coc#tai!<party con$ersation, I
#now, and neither is cancer, or +rain sur"ery, or matters +e!ow the waist. But I.m
not here to ma#e po!ite con$ersation. I want to te!! the truth. I.m sure you.d !i#e to
hear a+out how Lance %rmstron" +ecame a )reat %merican and an Inspiration To
5s %!!, how he won the Tour de France, the B,BED<mi!e road race that.s considered
the sin"!e most "rue!in" sportin" e$ent on the ace o the earth. 6ou want to hear
a+out aith and mystery, and my miracu!ous come+ac#, and how I @oined towerin"
;"ures !i#e )re" LeMond and Mi"ue! Indurain in the record +oo#. 6ou want to hear
a+out my !yrica! c!im+ throu"h the %!ps and my heroic con=uerin" o the
4yrenees, and how it felt. But the Tour was the !east o the story. Some o it is not
easy to te!! or comorta+!e to hear. I.m as#in" you now, at the outset, to put aside
your ideas a+out heroes and mirac!es, +ecause I.m not story+oo# materia!. This is
not 0isney!and, or Ho!!ywood. I.!! "i$e you an e8amp!e: I.$e read that I few up the
hi!!s and mountains o France. But you don.t 7y up a hi!!. 6ou stru""!e s!ow!y and
painu!!y up a hi!!, and may+e, i you wor# $ery hard, you "et to the top ahead o
e$ery+ody e!se. *ancer is !i#e that, too. )ood, stron" peop!e "et cancer, and they
do a!! the ri"ht thin"s to +eat it, and they sti!! die. That is the essentia! truth that
you !earn. 4eop!e die. %nd ater you !earn it, a!! other matters seem irre!e$ant.
They @ust seem sma!!. I don.t #now why I.m sti!! a!i$e. I can on!y "uess. I ha$e a
tou"h constitution, and my proession tau"ht me how to compete a"ainst !on"
odds and +i" o+stac!es. I !i#e to train hard and I !i#e to race hard. That he!ped, it
was a "ood start, +ut it certain!y wasn.t the determinin" actor. I can.t he!p ee!in"
that my sur$i$a! was more a matter o +!ind !uc#. ,hen I was CF, C was in$ited to
under"o testin" at a p!ace in 0a!!as ca!!ed the *ooper *!inic, a presti"ious
research !a+ and +irthp!ace o the aero+ic e8ercise re$o!ution. % doctor there
measured my 2O
D
ma8, which is a "au"e o how much o8y"en you can ta#e in and
use, and he says that my num+ers are sti!! the hi"hest they.$e e$er come across.
%!so, I produced !ess !actic acid than most peop!e. Lactic acid is the chemica! your
+ody "enerates when it.s winded and ati"ued1it.s what ma#es your !un"s +urn
and your !e"s ache. Basica!!y, I can endure more physica! stress than most peop!e
can, and I don.t "et as tired whi!e I.m doin" it. So I ;"ure may+e that he!ped me
!i$e. I was !uc#y1I was +orn with an a+o$e<a$era"e capacity or +reathin". But
e$en so, I was in a desperate, sic# o" much o the time. My i!!ness was hum+!in"
and star#!y re$ea!in", and it orced me to sur$ey my !ie with an unor"i$in" eye.
There are some shameu! episodes in it: instances o meanness, un;nished tas#s,
wea#ness, and re"rets. I had to as# myse!, >I I !i$e, who is it that I intend to +eG>
I ound that I had a !ot o "rowin" to do as a man. I won.t #id you. There are two
Lance %rmstron"s, pre<cancer, and post. 3$ery+ody.s a$orite =uestion is >How
did cancer chan"e youG> The rea! =uestion is how didn.t it chan"e meG I !et my
house on Octo+er B, CEEF, as one person and came home another. I was a wor!d<
c!ass ath!ete with a mansion on a ri$er+an#, #eys to a 4orsche, and a se!<made
ortune in the +an#. I was one o the top riders in the wor!d and my career was
mo$in" a!on" a perect arc o success. I returned a di-erent person, !itera!!y. In a
way, the o!d me did die, and I was "i$en a second !ie. 3$en my +ody is di-erent,
+ecause durin" the chemotherapy I !ost a!! the musc!e I had e$er +ui!t up, and
when I reco$ered, it didn.t come +ac# in the same way. The truth is that cancer
was the +est thin" that e$er happened to me. I don.t #now why I "ot the i!!ness,
+ut it did wonders or me, and I wou!dn.t want to wa!# away rom it. ,hy wou!d I
want to chan"e, e$en or a day, the most important and shapin" e$ent in my !ieG
4eop!e die. That truth is so disheartenin" that at times I can.t +ear to articu!ate it.
,hy shou!d we "o on, you mi"ht as#G ,hy don.t we a!! @ust stop and !ie down
where we areG But there is another truth, too. 4eop!e !i$e. It.s an e=ua! and
opposin" truth. 4eop!e !i$e, and in the most remar#a+!e ways. ,hen I was sic#, I
saw more +eauty and triumph and truth in a sin"!e day than I e$er did in a +i#e
race1+ut they were human moments, not miracu!ous ones. I met a "uy in a
rayin" sweatsuit who turned out to +e a +ri!!iant sur"eon. I +ecame riends with a
harassed and o$erschedu!ed nurse named LaTrice, who "a$e me such care that it
cou!d on!y +e the resu!t o the deepest sympathetic aHnity. I saw chi!dren with no
eye!ashes or eye+rows, their hair +urned away +y chemo, who ou"ht with the
hearts o Indurains. I sti!! don.t comp!ete!y understand it. %!! I can do is te!! you
what happened.
OF course I SHO5L0 H%23 K/O,/ TH%T SOM3THI/) ,%S wron" with me. But
ath!etes, especia!!y cyc!ists, are in the +usiness o denia!. 6ou deny a!! the aches
and pains +ecause you ha$e to in order to ;nish the race. It.s a sport o se!<
a+use. 6ou.re on your +i#e or the who!e day, si8 and se$en hours, in a!! #inds o
weather and conditions, o$er co++!estones and "ra$e!, in mud and wind and rain,
and e$en hai!, and you do not "i$e in to pain. 3$erythin" hurts. 6our +ac# hurts,
your eet hurt, your hands hurt, your nec# hurts, your !e"s hurt, and o course,
your +utt hurts. So no, I didn.t pay attention to the act that I didn.t ee! we!! in
CEEF. ,hen my ri"ht testic!e +ecame s!i"ht!y swo!!en that winter, I to!d myse! to
!i$e with it, +ecause I assumed it was somethin" I had done to myse! on the +i#e,
or that my system was compensatin" or some physio!o"ica! ma!e thin". I was
ridin" stron", as we!! as I e$er had, actua!!y, and there was no reason to stop.
*yc!in" is a sport that rewards mature champions. It ta#es a physica! endurance
+ui!t up o$er years, and a head or strate"y that comes on!y with e8perience. By
CEEF I e!t I was ;na!!y comin" into my prime. That sprin", I won a race ca!!ed the
F!eche<,a!!onne, a "rue!in" test throu"h the %rdennes that no %merican had e$er
con=uered +eore. I ;nished second in Lie"e<Basto"ne<Lie"e, a c!assic race o CF9
mi!es in a sin"!e punishin" day. %nd I won the Tour 0u 4ont, C,BB: mi!es o$er CB
days throu"h the *aro!ina mountains. I added ;$e more second<p!ace ;nishes to
those resu!ts, and I was a+out to +rea# into the top ;$e in the internationa!
ran#in"s or the ;rst time in my career. But cyc!in" ans noted somethin" odd
when I won the Tour 0u 4ont: usua!!y, when I won a race, I pumped my ;sts !i#e
pistons as I crossed the ;nish !ine. But on that day, I was too e8hausted to
ce!e+rate on the +i#e. My eyes were +!oodshot and my ace was 7ushed. I shou!d
ha$e +een con;dent and ener"i'ed +y my sprin" perormances. Instead, I was @ust
tired. My nipp!es were sore. I I had #nown +etter, I wou!d ha$e rea!i'ed it was a
si"n o i!!ness. It meant I had an e!e$ated !e$e! o H*), which is a hormone
norma!!y produced +y pre"nant women. Men don.t ha$e +ut a tiny amount o it,
un!ess their testes are actin" up. I thou"ht I was @ust run down. Suck it up, I said
to myse!, you can't aford to be tired. %head o me I sti!! had the two most
important races o the season: the Tour de France and the O!ympic )ames in
%t!anta, and they were e$erythin" I had +een trainin" and racin" or. I dropped out
o the Tour de France ater @ust ;$e days. I rode throu"h a rainstorm, and
de$e!oped a sore throat and +ronchitis. I was cou"hin" and had !ower<+ac# pain,
and I was simp!y una+!e to "et +ac# on the +i#e. >I cou!dn.t +reathe,> I to!d the
press. Loo#in" +ac#, they were ominous words. In %t!anta, my +ody "a$e out
a"ain. I was Fth in the time tria! and CBth in the road race, respecta+!e
perormances o$era!!, +ut disappointin" "i$en my hi"h e8pectations.
Bac# home in %ustin, I to!d myse! it was the 7u. I was s!eepin" a !ot, with a !ow<
"rade achy drowsy ee!in". I i"nored it. I wrote it o- to a !on" hard season. I
ce!e+rated my B:th +irthday on Septem+er CI, and a coup!e o ni"hts !ater I
in$ited a houseu! o riends o$er or a party +eore a &immy Bu-ett concert, and
we rented a mar"arita machine. My mother Linda came o$er to $isit rom 4!ano,
and in the midst o the party that ni"ht, I said to her, >I.m the happiest man in the
wor!d.> I !o$ed my !ie. I was datin" a +eautiu! co<ed rom the 5ni$ersity o Te8as
named Lisa Shie!s. I had @ust si"ned a new two<year contract with a presti"ious
French racin" team, *o;dis, or JB.: mi!!ion. I had a "reat new house that I had
spent months +ui!din", and e$ery detai! o the architectura! and interior desi"ns
was e8act!y what I wanted. It was a Mediterranean<sty!e home on the +an#s o
La#e %ustin, with soarin" "!ass windows that !oo#ed out on a swimmin" poo! and a
pia''a<sty!e patio that ran down to the doc#, where I had my own @et s#i and
power+oat moored. On!y one thin" spoi!ed the e$enin": in the midd!e o the
concert, I e!t a headache comin" on. It started as a du!! poundin". I popped some
aspirin. It didn.t he!p. In act, the pain "ot worse. I tried i+uproen. /ow I had our
ta+!ets in me, +ut the headache on!y spread. I decided it was a case o way too
many mar"aritas, and to!d myse! I wou!d ne$er, e$er drin# another one. My riend
and a"ent attorney, Bi!! Stap!eton, +ummed some mi"raine medication rom his
wie, Laura, who had a +ott!e in her purse. I too# three. That didn.t wor# either. By
now it was the #ind o headache you see in mo$ies, a #nee<+uc#!in", head<
+etween<your<hands, +rain<crusher. Fina!!y, I "a$e up and went home. I turned out
a!! the !i"hts and !ay on the soa, perect!y sti!!. The pain ne$er su+sided, +ut I was
so e8hausted +y it, and +y a!! the te=ui!a, that I e$entua!!y e!! as!eep. ,hen I
wo#e up the ne8t mornin", the headache was "one. %s I mo$ed around the
#itchen ma#in" co-ee, I rea!i'ed that my $ision was a !itt!e +!urry. The ed"es o
thin"s seemed sot. I must be getting old, I thou"ht. aybe I need glasses. I had
an e8cuse or e$erythin". % coup!e o days !ater, I was in my !i$in" room on the
phone with Bi!! Stap!eton when I had a +ad cou"hin" attac#. I "a""ed, and tasted
somethin" meta!!ic and +rac#ish in the +ac# o my throat. >Han" on a minute,> I
said. >Somethin".s not ri"ht here.> I rushed into the +athroom. I cou"hed into the
sin#. It sp!attered with +!ood. I stared into the sin#. I cou"hed a"ain, and spit up
another stream o red. I cou!dn.t +e!ie$e that the mass o +!ood and c!otted matter
had come rom my own +ody. Fri"htened, I went +ac# into the !i$in" room and
pic#ed up the phone. >Bi!!, I ha$e to ca!! you +ac#,> I said. I c!ic#ed o-, and
immediate!y dia!ed my nei"h+or, 0r. Ric# 4ar#er, a "ood riend who was my
persona! physician in %ustin. Ric# !i$ed @ust down the hi!! rom me. >*ou!d you
come o$erG> I said. >I.m cou"hin" up +!ood.> ,hi!e Ric# was on his way, I went
+ac# into the +athroom and eyed the +!oody residue in the sin#. Sudden!y, I
turned on the aucet. I wanted to rinse it out. Sometimes I do thin"s without
#nowin" my own moti$es. I didn.t want Ric# to see it. I was em+arrassed +y it. I
wanted it to "o away. Ric# arri$ed, and chec#ed my nose and mouth. He shined a
!i"ht down my throat, and as#ed to see the +!ood. I showed him the !itt!e +it that
was !et in the sin#. !h, "od, I thou"ht, I can't tell him how much it was, it's too
disgusting. ,hat was !et didn.t !oo# !i#e $ery much. Ric# was used to hearin" me
comp!ain a+out my sinuses and a!!er"ies. %ustin has a !ot o ra"weed and po!!en,
and no matter how tortured I am, I can.t ta#e medication +ecause o the strict
dopin" re"u!ations in cyc!in". I ha$e to su-er throu"h it.
>6ou cou!d +e +!eedin" rom your sinuses,> Ric# said. >6ou may ha$e crac#ed one.>
>)reat,> I said. >So it.s no +i" dea!.> I was so re!ie$ed, I @umped at the ;rst
su""estion that it wasn.t serious, and !et it at that. Ric# c!ic#ed o- his 7ash!i"ht,
and on his way out the door he in$ited me to ha$e dinner with him and his wie,
&enny, the o!!owin" wee#. % ew ni"hts !ater, I cruised down the hi!! to the 4ar#ers.
on a motor scooter. I ha$e a thin" or motori'ed toys, and the scooter was one o
my a$orites. But that ni"ht, I was so sore in my ri"ht testic!e that it #i!!ed me to
sit on the scooter. I cou!dn.t "et comorta+!e at the dinner ta+!e, either. I had to
situate myse! @ust ri"ht, and I didn.t dare mo$e, it was so painu!. I a!most to!d
Ric# how I e!t, +ut I was too se!<conscious. It hard!y seemed !i#e somethin" to
+rin" up o$er dinner, and I had a!ready +othered him once a+out the +!ood. #his
guy is going to think I'm some kind of complainer, I thou"ht. I #ept it to myse!.
,hen I wo#e up the ne8t mornin", my testic!e was horrendous!y swo!!en, a!most
to the si'e o an oran"e. I pu!!ed on my c!othes, "ot my +i#e rom the rac# in the
"ara"e, and started o- on my usua! trainin" ride, +ut I ound I cou!dn.t e$en sit on
the seat. I rode the who!e way standin" up on the peda!s. ,hen I "ot +ac# home
in the ear!y aternoon, I re!uctant!y dia!ed the 4ar#ers a"ain. >Ric#, I.$e "ot
somethin" wron" with my testic!e,> I said. >It.s rea! swo!!en and I had to stand up
on the ride.> Ric# said, stern!y, >6ou need to "et that chec#ed out ri"ht away.> He
insisted that he wou!d "et me in to see a specia!ist that aternoon. ,e hun" up,
and he ca!!ed 0r. &im Ree$es, a prominent %ustin uro!o"ist. %s soon as Ric#
e8p!ained my symptoms, Ree$es said I shou!d come in immediate!y. He wou!d
ho!d an appointment open. Ric# to!d me that Ree$es suspected I mere!y had a
torsion o the testic!e, +ut that I shou!d "o in and "et chec#ed. I I i"nored it, I
cou!d !ose the testic!e. I showered and dressed, and "ra++ed my #eys and "ot into
my 4orsche, and it.s unny, +ut I can remem+er e8act!y what I wore: #ha#i pants
and a "reen dress shirt. Ree$es. oHce was in the heart o downtown, near the
5ni$ersity o Te8as campus in a p!ain<!oo#in" +rown +ric# medica! +ui!din".
Ree$es turned out to +e an o!der "ent!eman with a deep, resonatin" $oice that
sounded !i#e it came rom the +ottom o a we!!, and a doctor!y way o ma#in"
e$erythin" seem routine1despite the act that he was serious!y a!armed +y what
he ound as he e8amined me. My testic!e was en!ar"ed to three times its norma!
si'e, and it was hard and painu! to the touch. Ree$es made some notes, and then
he said, >This !oo#s a !itt!e suspicious. &ust to +e sae, I.m "oin" to send you across
the street or an u!trasound.> I "ot my c!othes +ac# on and wa!#ed to my car. The
!a+ was across an a$enue in another institutiona!<!oo#in" +rown +ric# +ui!din",
and I decided to dri$e o$er. Inside was a sma!! warren o oHces and rooms ;!!ed
with comp!icated medica! e=uipment. I !ay down on another e8aminin" ta+!e. %
ema!e technician came in and went o$er me with the u!trasound e=uipment, a
wand<!i#e instrument that ed an ima"e onto a screen. I ;"ured I.d +e out o there
in a ew minutes. &ust a routine chec# so the doctor cou!d +e on the sae side. %n
hour !ater, I was sti!! on the ta+!e. The technician seemed to +e sur$eyin" e$ery
inch o me. I !ay there, word!ess!y, tryin" not to +e se!<conscious. ,hy was this
ta#in" so !on"G Had she ound somethin"G Fina!!y, she !aid down the wand.
,ithout a word, she !et the room. >,ait a minute,> I said. >Hey.> I thou"ht, It's
supposed to be a lousy formality. %ter a whi!e, she returned with a man I had
seen in the oHce ear!ier. He was the chie radio!o"ist. He pic#ed up the wand and
+e"an to e8amine my parts himse!.
I !ay there si!ent!y as he went o$er me or another C: minutes. Why is this taking
so long$ >O#ay, you can "et dressed and come +ac# out,> he said. I hust!ed into
my c!othes and met him in the ha!!way. >,e need to ta#e a chest K ray,> he said. I
stared at him. >,hyG> I said. >0r. Ree$es as#ed or one,> he said. ,hy wou!d they
!oo# at my chestG /othin" hurt there. I went into another e8aminin" room and
too# o- my c!othes a"ain, and a new technician went throu"h the K<ray process. I
was "ettin" an"ry now, and scared. I dressed a"ain, and sta!#ed +ac# into the
main oHce. 0own the ha!!way, I saw the chie radio!o"ist. >Hey,> I said, cornerin"
the "uy. >,hat.s "oin" on hereG This isn.t norma!.> >0r. Ree$es shou!d ta!# to you,>
he said. >/o. I want to #now what.s "oin" on.> >,e!! I don.t want to step on 0r.
Ree$es. toes, +ut it !oo#s !i#e perhaps he.s chec#in" you or some cancer<re!ated
acti$ity.> I stood perect!y sti!!. >Oh, uc#,> I said. >6ou need to ta#e the K rays +ac#
to 0r. Ree$esA he.s waitin" or you in his oHce.> There was an icy ee!in" in the pit
o my stomach, and it was "rowin". I too# out my ce!! phone and dia!ed Ric#.s
num+er. >Ric#, somethin".s "oin" on here, and they aren.t te!!in" me e$ery<thin".>
>Lance, I don.t #now e8act!y what.s happenin", +ut I.d !i#e to "o with you to see
0r. Ree$es. ,hy don.t I meet you thereG> I said, >O#ay.> I waited in radio!o"y whi!e
they prepared my K rays, and the radio!o"ist ;na!!y came out and handed me a
!ar"e +rown en$e!ope. He to!d me Ree$es wou!d see me in his oHce. I stared at
the en$e!ope. My chest was in there, I rea!i'ed. #his is bad. I c!im+ed into my car
and "!anced down at the en$e!ope containin" my chest K rays. Ree$es. oHce was
@ust BDD yards away, +ut it e!t !on"er than that. It e!t !i#e two mi!es. Or BD. I
dro$e the short distance and par#ed. By now it was dar# and we!! past norma!
oHce hours. I 0r. Ree$es had waited or me a!! this time, there must +e a "ood
reason, I thou"ht. %nd the reason is that the shit is about to hit the fan. %s I
wa!#ed into 0r. Ree$es. oHce, I noticed that the +ui!din" was empty. 3$eryone
was "one. It was dar# outside. Ric# arri$ed, !oo#in" "rim. I hunched down in a
chair whi!e 0r. Ree$es opened the en$e!ope and pu!!ed out my K rays. %n K ray is
somethin" !i#e a photo ne"ati$e: a+norma!ities come out white. % +!ac# ima"e is
actua!!y "ood, +ecause it means your or"ans are c!ear. B!ac# is "ood. ,hite is
+ad. 0r. Ree$es snapped my K rays onto a !i"ht tray in the wa!!. My chest !oo#ed
!i#e a snowstorm. >,e!!, this is a serious situation,> 0r. Ree$es said. >It !oo#s !i#e
tes<ticu!ar cancer with !ar"e metastasis to the !un"s.> I ha&e cancer. >%re you
sureG> I said. >I.m air!y sure,> 0r. Ree$es said. I'm '(. Wliy would I ha&e cancer$
>Shou!dn.t I "et a second opinionG> I said. >O course,> 0r. Ree$es said. >6ou ha$e
e$ery ri"ht to do that. But I shou!d te!! you I.m con;dent o the dia"nosis. I.$e
schedu!ed you or sur"ery tomorrow mornin" at 9 %.M., to remo$e the testic!e.>
0r. Ree$es e!a+orated on his dia"nosis: testicu!ar cancer was a rare disease1on!y
a+out 9,DDD cases occur annua!!y in the 5.S. It tended to stri#e men +etween the
a"es o CI and B: and was considered $ery treata+!e as cancers "o, than#s to
ad$ances in chemotherapy, +ut ear!y dia"nosis and inter$ention were #ey. 0r.
Ree$es was certain I had the cancer. The =uestion was, e8act!y how ar had it
spreadG He recommended that I see 0r. 0ud!ey 6ouman, a renowned %ustin<+ased
onco!o"ist. Speed was essentia!A e$ery day wou!d count. Fina!!y, 0r. Ree$es
;nished. I didn.t say anythin". >,hy don.t I !ea$e the two o you to"ether or a
minute,> 0r. Ree$es said. %!one with Ric#, I !aid my head down on the des#. >I @ust
can.t +e!ie$e this,> I said. But I had to admit it, I was sic#. The headaches, the
cou"hin" +!ood, the septic throat, passin" out on the couch and s!eepin" ore$er.
I.d had a rea! sic# ee!in", and I.d had it or a whi!e. >Lance, !isten to me, there.s
+een so much impro$ement in the treatment o cancer. It.s cura+!e. ,hate$er it
ta#es, we.!! "et it whipped. ,e.!! "et it done.> >O#ay,> I said. >O#ay.> Ric# ca!!ed 0r.
Ree$es +ac# in. >,hat do I ha$e to doG> I as#ed. >Let.s "et on with it. Let.s #i!! this
stu-. ,hate$er it ta#es, !et.s do it.> I wanted to cure it instant!y. Ri"ht away. I
wou!d ha$e under"one sur"ery that ni"ht. I wou!d ha$e used a radiation "un on
myse!, i it wou!d he!p. But Ree$es patient!y e8p!ained the procedure or the ne8t
mornin": I wou!d ha$e to report to the hospita! ear!y tor a +atterL
9
o tests and
+!ood wor# so the onco!o"ist cou!d determine the e8tent o the cancer, and then I
wou!d ha$e sur"ery to remo$e my testic!e. I "ot up to !ea$e. I had a !ot o ca!!s to
ma#e, and one o them was to my motherA somehow, I.d ha$e to te!! her that her
on!y chi!d had cancer. I c!im+ed into my car and made my way a!on" the windin",
tree<!ined streets toward my home on the ri$er+an#, and or the ;rst time in my
!ie, I dro$e s!ow!y. I was in shoc#. !h, my "od, I'll ne&er be able to race again.
/ot, !h, my "od, I'll die. /ot, !h, my "od, I'll ne&er ha&e a family. Those thou"hts
were +uried somewhere down in the conusion. But the ;rst thin" was, !h, my
"od, I'll ne&er race again. I pic#ed up my car phone and ca!!ed Bi!! Stap!eton. >Bi!!,
I ha$e some rea!!y +ad news,> I said. >,hatG> he said, preoccupied. >I.m sic#. My
career.s o$er.> >,hatG> >It.s a!! o$er. I.m sic#, I.m ne$er "oin" to race a"ain, and
I.m "oin" to !ose e$erythin".> I hun" up. I drited throu"h the streets in ;rst "ear,
without e$en the ener"y to press the "as peda!. %s I puttered a!on", I =uestioned
e$erythin": my wor!d, my proession, my se!. I had !et the house an
indestructi+!e B:<year<o!d, +u!!etproo. *ancer wou!d chan"e e$erythin" or me, I
rea!i'edA it wou!dn.t @ust derai! my career, it wou!d depri$e me o my entire
de;nition o who I was. I had started with nothin". My mother was a secretary in
4!ano, Te8as, +ut on my +i#e, I had +ecome somethin". ,hen other #ids were
swimmin" at the country c!u+, I was +i#in" or mi!es ater schoo!, +ecause it was
my chance. There were "a!!ons o sweat a!! o$er e$ery trophy and do!!ar I had
e$er earned, and now what wou!d I doG ,ho wou!d I +e i I wasn.t Lance
%rmstron", wor!d<c!ass cyc!istG % sic# person.
I pu!!ed into the dri$eway o my house. Inside, the phone was rin"in". I wa!#ed
throu"h the door and tossed my #eys on the counter. The phone #ept rin"in". I
pic#ed it up. It was my riend Scott Mac3ach<ern, a representati$e rom /i#e
assi"ned to wor# with me. >Hey, Lance, what.s "oin" onG> >,e!!, a !ot,> I said,
an"ri!y. >% !ot is "oin" on.> >,hat do you meanG> >I, uh . . .> I hadn.t said it a!oud
yet. >,hatG> Scott said. I opened my mouth, and c!osed it, and opened it a"ain. >I
ha$e cancer,> I said. I started to cry. %nd then, in that moment, it occurred to me:
I mi"ht !ose my !ie, too. /ot @ust my sport. I cou!d !ose my !ie.
two
TH3 ST%RT LI/3
4%ST FORMS 6O5, ,H3TH3R 6O5 LIK3 IT or not. 3ach encounter and e8perience
has its own e-ect, and you.re shaped the way the wind shapes a mes=uite tree on
a p!ain. The main thin" you need to #now a+out my chi!dhood is that I ne$er had a
rea! ather, +ut I ne$er sat around wishin" or one, either. My mother was C9 when
she had me, and rom day one e$eryone to!d her we wou!dn.t amount to anythin",
+ut she +e!ie$ed di-erent!y, and she raised me with an un+endin" ru!e: >Ma#e
e$ery o+stac!e an opportunity.> %nd that.s what we did. I was a !ot o #id,
especia!!y or one sma!! woman. My mother.s maiden name was Linda
Mooneyham. She is :<oot<M and wei"hs a+out CD: pounds, and I don.t #now how
some+ody so tiny de!i$ered me, +ecause I wei"hed in at E pounds, CB ounces. Her
!a+or was so diHcu!t that she !ay in a e$er or an entire day aterward. Her
temperature was so hi"h that the nurses wou!dn.t !et her ho!d me. I ne$er #new
my so<ca!!ed ather. He was a non<actor1un!ess you count his a+sence as a
actor. &ust +ecause he pro$ided the 0/% that made me doesn.t ma#e him my
ather, and as ar as I.m concerned, there is nothin" +etween us, a+so!ute!y no
connection. I ha$e no idea who he is, what he !i#es or dis!i#es. Beore !ast year, I
ne$er #new where he !i$ed or wor#ed. I ne$er as#ed. I.$e ne$er had a sin"!e
con$ersation with my mother a+out him. /ot once. In BI years, she.s ne$er
+rou"ht him up, and I.$e ne$er +rou"ht him up. It may seem stran"e, +ut it.s true.
The thin" is, I don.t care, and my mother doesn.t either. She says she wou!d ha$e
to!d me a+out him i I had as#ed, +ut ran#!y, it wou!d ha$e +een !i#e as#in" a
tri$ia =uestionA he was that insi"ni;cant to me. I was comp!ete!y !o$ed +y my
mother, and I !o$ed her +ac# the same way, and that e!t !i#e enou"h to +oth o
us. Since I sat down to write a+out my !ie, thou"h, I ;"ured I mi"ht as we!! ;nd
out a ew thin"s a+out myse!. 5nortunate!y, !ast year a Te8as newspaper traced
my +io!o"ica! ather and printed a story a+out
him, and this is what they reported: his name is )underson, and he.s a route
mana"er or the )allas orning *ews. He !i$es in *edar *ree# La#e, Te8as, and is
the ather o two other chi!dren. My mother was married to him durin" her
pre"nancy, +ut they sp!it up +eore I was two. He was actua!!y =uoted in the paper
c!aimin" to +e a proud ather, and he said that his #ids consider me their +rother,
+ut those remar#s struc# me as opportunistic, and I ha$e no interest in meetin"
him. My mother was a!one. Her parents were di$orced, and at the time her ather,
4au! Mooneyham, my "randather, was a hea$y<drin#in" 2ietnam $et who wor#ed
in the post oHce and !i$ed in a mo+i!e home. Her mother, 3!i'a+eth, stru""!ed to
support three #ids. /o+ody in the ami!y had much he!p to "i$e my mother1+ut
they tried.
On the day I was +orn my "randather =uit drin#in", and he.s +een so+er e$er
since, or BI years, e8act!y as !on" as I.$e +een a!i$e. My mother.s youn"er
+rother, %!, wou!d +a+y<sit or me. He !ater @oined the %rmy, the traditiona! way
out or men in our ami!y, and he made a career o it, risin" a!! the way to the ran#
o !ieutenant co!one!. He has a !ot o decorations on his chest, and he and his wie
ha$e a son named &esse who I.m cra'y a+out. ,e.re proud o each other as a
ami!y. I was wanted. My mother was so determined to ha$e me that she hid her
pre"nancy +y wearin" +a+y<do!! shirts so that no one wou!d interere or try to
ar"ue her out o it. %ter I was +orn, sometimes my mother and her sister wou!d
"o "rocery shoppin" to"ether, and one aternoon my aunt he!d me whi!e the
chec#out "ir!s made cooin" noises. >,hat a cute +a+y,> one o them said. My
mother stepped orward. >That.s my +a+y,> she said. ,e !i$ed in a dreary one<
+edroom apartment in Oa# *!i-, a su+ur+ o 0a!!as, whi!e my mother wor#ed part<
time and ;nished schoo!. It was one o those nei"h+orhoods with shirts 7appin"
on c!othes!ines and a Kentuc#y Fried on the corner. My mother wor#ed at the
Kentuc#y Fried, ta#in" orders in her pin#<striped uniorm, and she a!so punched
the cash re"ister at the Kro"er.s "rocery store across the street. Later she "ot a
temporary @o+ at the post oHce sortin" dead !etters, and another one as a ;!e
c!er#, and she did a!! o this whi!e she was tryin" to study and to ta#e care o me.
She made J?DD a month, and her rent was JBDD, and my day<care was JB: a
wee#. But she "a$e me e$erythin" I needed, and a ew thin"s more. She had a
way o creatin" sma!! !u8uries. ,hen I was sma!!, she wou!d ta#e me to the !oca!
9<3!e$en and +uy a S!urpee, and eed it to me throu"h the straw. She wou!d pu!!
some up in the straw, and I wou!d ti!t my head +ac#, and she wou!d !et the coo!
sweet icy drin# stream into my mouth. She tried to spoi! me with a :D<cent drin#.
3$ery ni"ht she read a +oo# to me. 3$en thou"h I was @ust an inant, too youn" to
understand a word, she wou!d ho!d me and read. She was ne$er too tired or that.
>I can.t wait unti! you can read to me,+ she wou!d say. /o wonder I was recitin"
$erses +y the a"e o two. I did e$erythin" ast. I wa!#ed at nine months.
3$entua!!y, my mother "ot a @o+ as a secretary or JCB,DDD a year, which a!!owed
her to mo$e us into a nicer apartment north o 0a!!as in a su+ur+ ca!!ed
Richardson. She !ater "ot a @o+ at a te!ecommunications company, 3ricsson, and
she has wor#ed her way up the !adder. She.s no !on"er a secretary, she.s an
account mana"er, and what.s more, she "ot her rea!<estate !icense on the side.
That ri"ht there te!!s you e$erythin" you need to #now a+out her. She.s sharp as a
tac#, and she.!! outwor# any+ody. She a!so happens to !oo# youn" enou"h to +e
my sister. %ter Oa# *!i-, the su+ur+s seemed !i#e hea$en to her. /orth 0a!!as
stretches out practica!!y to the O#!ahoma +order in an un+ro#en chain o
su+ur+an communities, each one e8act!y !i#e the !ast. Tract homes and ma!!s
o$errun mi!es o 7at +rown Te8as !andscape. But there are "ood schoo!s and !ots
o open ;e!ds or #ids to p!ay in. %cross the street rom our apartment there was a
!itt!e store ca!!ed the Richardson Bi#e Mart at one end o a strip ma!!. The owner
was a sma!!, we!!<+ui!t "uy with o$er!y +ri"ht eyes named &im Hoyt. &im !i#ed to
sponsor +i#e racers out o his store, and he was a!ways !oo#in" to "et #ids started
in the sport. One mornin" a wee# my mother wou!d ta#e me to a !oca! shop or
resh, hot dou"hnuts and we wou!d pass +y the +i#e store. &im #new she stru""!ed
to "et +y, +ut he noticed that she was a!ways we!! turned out, and I was neat and
we!! cared or. He too# an interest in us, and "a$e her a dea! on my ;rst serious
+i#e. It was a Schwinn Ma" Scram+!er, which I "ot when I was a+out se$en. It was
an u"!y +rown, with ye!!ow whee!s, +ut I !o$ed
it. ,hy does any #id !o$e a +i#eG It.s !i+eration and independence, your ;rst set o
whee!s. % +i#e is reedom to roam, without ru!es and without adu!ts. There was
one thin" my mother "a$e me that I didn.t particu!ar!y want1a stepather. ,hen I
was three, my mother remarried, to a "uy named Terry %rmstron". Terry was a
sma!! man with a !ar"e mustache and a ha+it o actin" more successu! than he
rea!!y was. He so!d ood to "rocery stores and he was e$ery c!iche ot a tra$e!in"
sa!esman, +ut he +rou"ht home a second paychec# and he!ped with the +i!!s.
Meanwhi!e, my mother was "ettin" raises at her @o+, and she +ou"ht us a home in
4!ano, one o the more upsca!e su+ur+s. I was a sma!! +oy when Terry !e"a!!y
adopted me and made my name %rmstron", and I don.t remem+er +ein" happy or
unhappy a+out it, either way. %!! I #now is that the 0/% donor, )underson, "a$e
up his !e"a! ri"hts to me. In order or the adoption to "o throu"h, )underson had
to a!!ow it, to a"ree to it. He pic#ed up a pen and si"ned the papers. Terry
%rmstron" was a *hristian, and he came rom a ami!y who had a tendency to te!!
my mother how to raise me. But, or a!! o his prose!yti'in", Terry had a +ad
temper, and he used to whip me, or si!!y thin"s. Kid thin"s, !i#e +ein" messy.
Once, I !et a drawer open in my +edroom, with a soc# han"in" out. Terry "ot out
his o!d raternity padd!e. It was a thic#, so!id wood padd!e, and ran#!y, in my
opinion nothin" !i#e that shou!d +e used on a sma!! +oy. He turned me o$er and
span#ed me with it. The padd!e was his preerred method o discip!ine. I I came
home !ate, out wou!d come the padd!e. Whack. I I smarted o-, I "ot the padd!e.
Whack. It didn.t hurt @ust physica!!y, +ut a!so emotiona!!y. So I didn.t !i#e Terry
%rmstron". I thou"ht he was an an"ry testosterone "ee#, and as a resu!t, my ear!y
impression o or"ani'ed re!i"ion was that it was or hypocrites. %th!etes don.t ha$e
much use or po#in" around in their chi!dhoods, +ecause introspection doesn.t "et
you anywhere in a race. 6ou don.t want to thin# a+out your ado!escent
resentments when you.re tryin" to ma#e a F,:DD<oot c!im+ with a cadre o
Ita!ians and Spaniards on your whee!. 6ou need a dum+ ocus. But that said, it.s a!!
sto#ed down in there, ue! or the ;re. >Ma#e e$ery ne"ati$e into a positi$e,> as
my mother says. /othin" "oes to waste, you put it a!! to use, the o!d wounds and
!on"<a"o s!i"hts +ecome the stu- o competiti$e ener"y. But +ac# then I was @ust
a #id with a+out our chips on his shou!der, thin#in", aybe if I ride my bike on
this road long enough it will take me out of here. 4!ano had its e-ect on me, too. It
was the =uintessentia! %merican su+ur+, with strip ma!!s, perect "rid streets, and
au8<ante+e!!um country c!u+s in +etween empty +rown wasted ;e!ds. It was
popu!ated +y "uys in "o! shirts and Sansa+e!t pants, and women in +ri"ht a#e
"o!d @ewe!ry, and a!ienated teena"ers. /othin" there was o!d, nothin" rea!. To me,
there was somethin" sou!<deadened a+out the p!ace, which may +e why it had
one o the worst heroin pro+!ems in the country, as we!! as an unusua!!y !ar"e
num+er o teen suicides. It.s home to 4!ano 3ast Hi"h Schoo!, one o the !ar"est
and most oot+a!!<cra'ed hi"h schoo!s in the state, a modern structure that !oo#s
more !i#e a "o$ernment a"ency, with a set o doors the si'e o !oadin" doc#s.
That.s where I went to schoo!. In 4!ano, Te8as, i you weren.t a oot+a!! p!ayer you
didn.t e8ist, and i you weren.t upper midd!e c!ass, you mi"ht as we!! not e8ist
either. My mother was a secretary, so I tried to p!ay oot+a!!. But I had no
coordination. ,hen it came to anythin" that in$o!$ed mo$in" rom side to side, or
hand<eye coordination1when it came to anythin" in$o!$in" a +a!!, in act1I was
no "ood. I was determined to ;nd somethin" I cou!d succeed at. ,hen I was in
;th "rade, my e!ementary schoo! he!d a distance<runnin" race. I to!d my mother
the ni"ht +eore the race, >I.m "oin" to +e a champ.> She @ust !oo#ed at me, and
then she went into her thin"s and du" out a CE9B si!$er do!!ar. >This is a "ood<!uc#
coin,> she said. >/ow remem+er, a!! you ha$e to do is +eat that c!oc#.> I won the
race. % ew months !ater, I @oined the !oca! swim c!u+. %t ;rst it was another way
to see# acceptance with the other #ids in the su+ur+s, who a!! swam !aps at Los
Rios *ountry *!u+, where their parents were mem+ers. On the ;rst day o swim
practice, I was so inept that I was put with the se$en<year<o!ds. I !oo#ed around,
and saw the youn"er sister o one o my riends. It was em+arrassin". I went rom
not +ein" any "ood at oot+a!! to not +ein" any "ood at swimming. But I tried. I I
had to swim with the !itt!e #ids to !earn techni=ue, then that.s what I was wi!!in" to
do. My mother "ets emotiona! to this day when she remem+ers how I !eaped
head;rst into the water and 7ai!ed up and down the !en"th o the poo!, as i I was
tryin" to sp!ash a!! the water out o it. >6ou tried so hard,+ she says. I didn.t swim
in the worst "roup or !on". Swimmin" is a demandin" sport or a CB<year<o!d, and
the *ity o 4!ano Swim *!u+ was particu!ar!y intense. I swam or a man named
*hris Mac*urdy, who remains one o the +est coaches I e$er wor#ed with. ,ithin a
year, *hris transormed meA I was ourth in the state in the C,:DD<meter reesty!e.
He trained our team serious!y: we had wor#outs e$ery mornin" rom ::MD to 9.
Once I "ot a !itt!e o!der I +e"an to ride my +i#e to practice, ten mi!es throu"h the
semi<dar# ear!y<mornin" streets. I wou!d swim ?,DDD meters o !aps +eore schoo!
and "o +ac# or another two<hour wor#out in the aternoon1another F,DDD
meters. That was si8 mi!es a day in the water, p!us a BD<mi!e +i#e ride. My mother
!et me do it or two reasons: she didn.t ha$e the option o dri$in" me herse!
+ecause she wor#ed, and she #new that I needed to channe! my temperament.
One aternoon when I was a+out CM and han"in" around the Richardson Bi#e Mart,
I saw a 7yer or a competition ca!!ed IronKids. It was a @unior triath!on, an e$ent
that com+ined +i#in", swimmin", and runnin". I had ne$er heard o a triath!on
+eore1+ut it was a!! o the thin"s I was "ood at, so I si"ned up. My mother too#
me to a shop and +ou"ht me a triath!on out;t, which +asica!!y consisted o cross<
trainin" shorts and a shirt made out o a hy+rid ast<dryin" materia!, so I cou!d
wear it throu"h each phase o the e$ent, without chan"in". ,e "ot my ;rst racin"
+i#e then, too. It was a Mercier, a s!im, e!e"ant road +i#e. I won, and I won +y a
!ot, without e$en trainin" or it. /ot !on" aterward, there was another triath!on, in
Houston. I won that, too. ,hen I came +ac# rom Houston, I was u!! o se!<
con;dence. I was a top @unior at swimmin", +ut I had ne$er +een the a+so!ute
+est at it. I was +etter at triath!ons than any #id in 4!ano, and any #id in the who!e
state, or that matter. I !i#ed the ee!in". ,hat ma#es a "reat endurance ath!ete is
the a+i!ity to a+sor+ potentia! em+arrassment, and to su-er without comp!aint. I
was disco$erin" that i it was a matter o "rittin" my teeth, not carin" how it
!oo#ed, and out!astin" e$ery+ody e!se, I won. It didn.t seem to matter what the
sport was1in a strai"ht<ahead, !on"<distance race, I cou!d +eat any+ody. I it was
a su-er<est, I was "ood at it. I *O5L0 H%23 03%LT ,ITH T3RR6 %RMSTRO/).S
padd!e. But there was somethin" e!se I cou!dn.t dea! with. ,hen I was C?, my
mother went into the hospita! to ha$e a hysterectomy. It.s a $ery tou"h operation
or any woman, physica!!y and emotiona!!y, and my mother was sti!! $ery youn"
when it happened. I was entered in a swim meet in San %ntonio, so I had to !ea$e
whi!e she was sti!! recuperatin", and Terry decided to chaperone me. I didn.t want
him thereA I didn.t !i#e it when he tried to p!ay Litt!e Lea"ue 0ad, and I thou"ht he
shou!d +e at the hospita!. But he insisted. %s we sat in the airport waitin" or our
7i"ht, I "a'ed at Terry and thou"ht, Why are you here$ %s I watched him, he
+e"an to write notes on a pad. He wou!d write, then +a!! up the paper and throw it
into the "ar+a"e can and start a"ain. I thou"ht it was pecu!iar. %ter a whi!e Terry
"ot up to "o to the +athroom. I went o$er to the "ar+a"e can, retrie$ed the
wadded papers, and stu-ed them into my +a". Later, when I was a!one, I too#
them out and uno!ded them. They were to another woman. I read them, one +y
one. He was writin" to another woman whi!e my mother was in the hospita!
ha$in" a hysterectomy. I 7ew +ac# to 0a!!as with the crump!ed pa"es in the
+ottom o my +a". ,hen I "ot home, I went to my room and pu!!ed my copy o
#he "uinness ,ook of World -ecords o- the she!. I "ot a pair o scissors, and
ho!!owed out the center o the +oo#. I crammed the pa"es into the ho!!ow and
stuc# the +oo# +ac# on the she!. I wanted to #eep the pa"es, and I.m not =uite
sure why. For insurance, may+eA a !itt!e ammunition, in case I e$er needed it. In
case Terry decided to use the padd!e a"ain. I I hadn.t !i#ed Terry +eore, rom then
on, I e!t nothin" or him. I didn.t respect him, and I +e"an to
cha!!en"e his authority. Let me sum up my tur+u!ent youth. ,hen I was a +oy, I
in$ented a "ame ca!!ed ;re+a!!, which entai!ed soa#in" a tennis +a!! in #erosene,
!i"htin" it on ;re, and p!ayin" catch with it wearin" a pair o "arden "!o$es. I.d ;!!
a p!astic dish<tu+ u!! o "aso!ine, and then I.d empty a can o tennis +a!!s into the
tu+ and !et them 7oat there. I.d ;sh one out and ho!d a match to it, and my +est
riend Ste$e Lewis and I wou!d throw the +!a'in" +a!! +ac# and orth unti! our
"!o$es smo#ed. Ima"ine it, two +oys standin" in a ;e!d in a hot Te8as +ree'e,
pitchin" 7ames at each other. Sometimes the "ardenin" "!o$es wou!d catch on
;re, and we.d 7ap them a"ainst our @eans, unti! em+ers 7ew into the air around
our heads, !i#e ;re7ies. Once, I accidenta!!y threw the +a!! up onto the roo. Some
shin"!es cau"ht ;re, and I had to scram+!e up there and stamp out the ;re +eore
it +urned down the who!e house and then started on the nei"h+ors. p!ace. Then
there was the time a tennis +a!! !anded s=uare!y in the midd!e ot the tray u!! o
"as, and the who!e wor#s e8p!oded. It went up, a wa!! o 7ame and a swir!in"
tower o +!ac# smo#e. I panic#ed and #ic#ed o$er the tu+, tryin" to put the ;re
out. Instead, the tu+ started me!tin" down into the "round, !i#e somethin" out o
#he .hina Syndrome. % !ot o my +eha$ior had to do with #nowin" that my mother
wasn.t happyA I cou!dn.t understand why she wou!d stay with Terry when they
seemed so misera+!e. But +ein" with him pro+a+!y seemed +etter to her than
raisin" a son on her own and !i$in" on one paychec#. % ew months ater the trip
to San %ntonio, the marria"e ;na!!y e!! apart. One e$enin" I was "oin" to +e !ate
or dinner, so I ca!!ed my mother. She said, >Son, you need to come home.>
>,hat.s wron"G> I said. >I need to ta!# to you.> I "ot on my +i#e and rode home,
and when I "ot there, she was sittin" in the !i$in" room. >I to!d Terry to !ea$e,> she
said. >I.m "oin" to ;!e or di$orce.> I was +eyond re!ie$ed, and I didn.t +other to
hide it. In act, I was downri"ht @oyu!. >This is "reat,> I said, +eamin". >But, son,>
she said, >I don.t want you to "i$e me any pro+!ems. I can.t hand!e that ri"ht now.
4!ease, @ust don.t "i$e me any pro+!ems.> >%!! ri"ht,> I said. >I promise.>
I waited a ew wee#s to say anythin" more a+out it. But then one day when we
were sittin" around in the #itchen, out o the +!ue, I said to my mother, >That "uy
was no "ood.> I didn.t te!! her a+out the !etters1she was unhappy enou"h. But
years !ater, when she was c!eanin", she ound them. She wasn.t surprised. For a
whi!e, Terry tried to stay in touch with me +y sendin" +irthday cards and thin"s
!i#e that. He wou!d send an en$e!ope with a hundred one<do!!ar +i!!s in it. I.d ta#e
it to my mother and say, >,ou!d you p!ease send this +ac# to himG I don.t want
it.> Fina!!y, I wrote him a !etter te!!in" him that i I cou!d, I wou!d chan"e my name.
I didn.t ee! I had a re!ationship with him, or with his ami!y. %ter the +rea#up, my
mother and I "rew much c!oser. I thin# she had +een unhappy or a whi!e, and
when peop!e are unhappy, they.re not themse!$es. She chan"ed once she "ot
di$orced. She was more re!a8ed, as i she had +een under some pressure and now
it was "one. O course, she was under another #ind o pressure as a sin"!e woman
a"ain, tryin" to support +oth o us, +ut she had +een throu"h that +eore. She was
sin"!e or the ne8t ;$e years. I tried to +e dependa+!e. I.d c!im+ on our roo to put
up the *hristmas !i"hts or her1and i I mooned the cars on the a$enue, we!!, that
was a sma!!, $ictim!ess crime. ,hen she "ot home rom wor#, we wou!d sit down
to dinner to"ether, and turn o- the T2, and we.d ta!#. She tau"ht me to eat +y
cand!e!i"ht, and
insisted on decent manners. She wou!d ;8 a taco sa!ad or a +ow! o Ham+ur"er
He!per, !i"ht the cand!es, and te!! me a+out her day. Sometimes she wou!d ta!#
a+out how rustrated she was at wor#, where she e!t she was underestimated
+ecause she was a secretary. >,hy don.t you =uitG> I as#ed. >Son, you ne$er =uit,>
she said. >I.!! "et throu"h it.>
Sometimes she wou!d come home and I cou!d see she.d had a rea!!y +ad day. I.d
+e p!ayin" somethin" !oud on the stereo, !i#e )uns ./ Roses, +ut I.d ta#e one !oo#
at her and turn the hea$y stu- o-, and put somethin" e!se on. >Mom, this is or
you,> I.d say. %nd I.d p!ay Kenny ) or her1which +e!ie$e me was a sacri;ce. I
tried to "i$e her emotiona! support, +ecause she did so many sma!! thin"s or me.
Litt!e thin"s. 3$ery Saturday, she wou!d wash and iron ;$e shirts, so that I had a
resh!y pressed shirt or each schoo! day o the wee#. She #new how hard I trained
and how hun"ry I "ot in the aternoons, so she wou!d !ea$e a pot o homemade
spa"hetti sauce in the reri"erator, or a snac#. She tau"ht me to +oi! my own
pasta and how to throw a strand a"ainst the wa!! to ma#e sure it was done. I was
+e"innin" to earn my own money. ,hen I was C:, C entered the CEI9 4resident.s
Triath!on in La#e La$on, a"ainst a ;e!d o e8perienced o!der ath!etes. I ;nished
MBnd, shoc#in" the other competitors and spectators, who cou!dn.t +e!ie$e a C:<
year<o!d had he!d up o$er the course. I "ot some press co$era"e or that race, and
I to!d a reporter, >I thin# in a ew years I.!! +e ri"ht near the top, and within ten
years I.!! +e the +est.> My riends, "uys !i#e Ste$e Lewis, thou"ht I was hi!arious!y
coc#y. NThe ne8t year, I ;nished ;th.O Triath!ons paid "ood money. %!! o a sudden
I had a wa!!et u!! o ;rst<p!ace chec#s, and I started enterin" triath!ons where$er I
cou!d ;nd them. Most o the senior ones had a"e restrictions1you had to +e CF or
o!der to enter1so I wou!d doctor my +irth date on the entry orm to meet the
re=uirements. I didn.t win in the pros, +ut I wou!d p!ace in the top ;$e. The other
competitors started ca!!in" me >&unior.> But i it sounds !i#e it came easy, it didn.t.
In one o the ;rst pro triath!ons I entered, I made the mista#e o eatin" +ad!y
+eorehand1 I downed a coup!e o cinnamon ro!!s and two *o#es1and I paid or it
+y +on#in", meanin" I ran comp!ete!y out o ener"y. I had an empty tan#. I was
;rst out o the water, and ;rst o- the +i#e. But in the midd!e o the run, I near!y
co!!apsed. My mother was waitin" at the ;nish, accustomed to seein" me come in
amon" the !eaders, and she cou!dn.t understand what was ta#in" me so !on".
Fina!!y, she wa!#ed out on the course and ound me, stru""!in" a!on". >*ome on,
son, you can do it,> she said. >I.m tota!!y "one,> I said. >I +on#ed.> >%!! ri"ht,> she
said. >But you can.t =uit, either. 3$en i you ha$e to wa!# to the ;nish !ine.> I
wa!#ed to the ;nish !ine. I +e"an to ma#e a name in !oca! +i#e races, too. On
Tuesday ni"hts there was a series o criteriums1mu!ti<!ap road races1he!d on an
o!d !oop around those empty Richardson ;e!ds. The Tuesday<ni"ht >crits> were
hot!y contested amon" serious !oca! c!u+ riders, and they drew a !ar"e crowd. I
rode or Hoyt, who sponsored a c!u+ team out o the Richardson Bi#e Mart, and
my mother "ot me a too!+o8 to ho!d a!! o my +i#e stu-. She says she can sti!!
remem+er me peda!in" around the !oop, powerin" past other #ids, !appin" the
;e!d. She cou!dn.t +e!ie$e how stron" I was. I didn.t care i it was @ust a JCDD cash
pri'e, I wou!d tear the !e"s o- the other riders to "et at it. There are de"rees o
competiti$e cyc!in", and they are rated +y cate"ory, with *ate"ory C +ein" the
hi"hest !e$e!, *ate"ory ? the !owest. I started out in the >*at ?> races at the
Tuesday<ni"ht crits, +ut I was an8ious to mo$e up. In order to do so you had to
ha$e resu!ts, win a certain num+er o races. But I was too impatient or that, so I
con$inced the or"ani'ers to !et me ride in the *at M race with the o!der and more
e8perienced "roup. The or"ani'ers to!d me, >O#ay, +ut whate$er you do, don.t
win.> I I drew too much attention to myse!, there mi"ht +e a +i" stin# a+out how
they had !et me s#ip the re=uirements.
I won. I cou!dn.t he!p it. I dusted the other riders. %terward there was some
discussion a+out what to do with me, and one option was suspendin" me. Instead,
they up"raded me. There were three or our men around there who were *at C
riders, !oca! heroes, and they a!! rode or the Richardson Bi#e Mart, so I +e"an
trainin" with them, a CF<year<o!d ridin" with "uys in their !ate BDs. By now I was
the nationa! roo#ie o the year in sprint triath!ons, and my mother and I rea!i'ed
that I had a uture as an ath!ete. I was ma#in" a+out JBD,DDD a year, and I +e"an
#eepin" a Ro!ode8 u!! o +usiness contacts. I needed sponsors and supporters
who were wi!!in" to ront my airare and my e8penses to $arious races. My mother
to!d me, >Loo#, Lance, i you.re "oin" to "et anywhere, you.re "oin" to ha$e to do
it yourse!, +ecause no one is "oin" to do it or you.> My mother had +ecome my
+est riend and most !oya! a!!y She was my or"ani'er and my moti$ator, a
dynamo. >I you can.t "i$e CCD percent, you won.t ma#e it,> she wou!d te!! me.
She +rou"ht an or"ani'ationa! 7air to my trainin". >Loo#, I don.t #now what you
need,> she.d say. >But I recommend that you sit down and do a menta! chec# o
e$erythin", +ecause you don.t want to "et there and not ha$e it.> I was proud o
her, and we were $ery much a!i#eA we understood each other perect!y, and when
we were to"ether we didn.t ha$e to say much. ,e @ust #new. She a!ways ound a
way to "et me the !atest +i#e I wanted, or the accessories that went with it. In
act, she sti!! has a!! o my discarded "ears and peda!s, +ecause they were so
e8pensi$e she cou!dn.t +ear to "et rid o them. ,e tra$e!ed a!! o$er to"ether,
enterin" me in CDK runs and triath!ons. ,e e$en +e"an to thin# that I cou!d +e an
O!ympian. I sti!! carried the si!$er<do!!ar "ood<!uc# piece, and now she "a$e me a
#ey chain that said >CEII> on it1the year o the ne8t summer O!ympics. 3$ery
day ater schoo! I.d run si8 mi!es, and then "et on my +i#e and ride into the
e$enin". I !earned to !o$e Te8as on those rides. The countryside was +eautiu!, in a
deso!ate #ind o way. 6ou cou!d ride out on the +ac# roads throu"h $ast ranch!and
and cotton ;e!ds with nothin" in the distance +ut water towers, "rain e!e$ators,
and di!apidated sheds. The "rass was chewed to nu+s +y !i$estoc# and the dirt
!oo#ed !i#e what.s !et in the +ottom o an o!d cup o co-ee. Sometimes I.d ;nd
ro!!in" ;e!ds o wi!d7owers, and so!itary mes=uite trees +!own into stran"e shapes.
But other times the countryside was @ust 7at ye!!owish<+rown prairie, with the
occasiona! "as station, e$erythin" ;e!ds, ;e!ds o +rown "rass, ;e!ds o cotton,
@ust 7at and awu!, and windy. 0a!!as is the third<windiest city in the country. But it
was "ood or me. Resistance. One aternoon I "ot run o- the road +y a truc#. By
then, I had disco$ered my midd!e ;n"er, and I 7ashed it at the dri$er. He pu!!ed
o$er, and threw a "as can at me, and came ater me. I ran, !ea$in" my +eautiu!
Mercier +i#e +y the side o the road. The "uy stomped on it, dama"in" it. Beore
he dro$e o- I "ot his !icense num+er, and my mom too# the "uy to court, and
won. In the meantime, she "ot me a new +i#e with her insurance, a Ra!ei"h with
racin" whee!s. Bac# then I didn.t ha$e an odometer on my +i#e, so i I wanted to
#now how !on" a trainin" ride was, my mother wou!d ha$e to dri$e it. I I to!d her I
needed to measure the ride, she "ot in the car, e$en i it was !ate. /ow, a MD<odd<
mi!e trainin" ride is nothin" or me, +ut or a woman who @ust "ot o- wor# it.s !on"
enou"h to +e a pain to dri$e. She didn.t comp!ain. My mother and I +ecame $ery
open with each other. She trusted me, tota!!y. I did whate$er I wanted, and the
interestin" thin" is that no matter what I did, I a!ways to!d her a+out it. I ne$er
!ied to her. I I wanted to "o out, no+ody stopped me. ,hi!e most #ids were
snea#in" out o their houses at ni"ht, I.d "o out throu"h the ront door. I pro+a+!y
had too much rope. I was a hyper #id, and I cou!d ha$e done some harm to
myse!. There were a !ot o wide +ou!e$ards and ;e!ds in 4!ano, an in$itation to
trou+!e or a teena"er on a +i#e or +ehind the whee! o a car. I.d wea$e up and
down the a$enues on my +i#e, dod"in" cars and racin" the stop!i"hts, "oin" as ar
as downtown 0a!!as. I used to !i#e to ride in traHc, or the cha!!en"e. My +rand<
new Ra!ei"h was top<o<the<!ine and +eautiu!, +ut I owned it on!y a short time
+eore I wrec#ed it and a!most "ot myse! #i!!ed. It happened one aternoon when I
was runnin" stop!i"hts. I was spinnin" throu"h them one ater the other, tryin" to
+eat the timers. I "ot ;$e o them. Then I came to a "iant intersection o two si8<
!anes, and the !i"ht turned ye!!ow. I #ept "oin" anyway1which I did a!! the time.
Sti!! do.
I "ot across three !anes +eore the !i"ht turned red. %s I raced across the ourth
!ane, I saw a !ady in a Ford Bronco out o the corner o my eye. She didn.t see me.
She acce!erated1and smashed ri"ht into me. I went 7yin", head;rst across the
intersection. /o he!met. Landed on my head, and @ust #ind o ro!!ed to a stop at
the cur+. I was a!one. I had no I0, nothin" on me. I tried to "et up. But then there
were peop!e crowdin" around me, and some+ody said, >/o, no, don.t mo$eP> I !ay
+ac# down and waited or the am+u!ance whi!e the !ady who.d hit me had
hysterics. The am+u!ance arri$ed and too# me to the hospita!, where I was
conscious enou"h to recite my phone num+er, and the hospita! peop!e ca!!ed my
mother, who "ot pretty hysterica!, too. I had a concussion, and I too# a +unch o
stitches in my head, and a ew more in my oot, which was "ashed wide open. The
car had +roadsided me, so my #nee was sprained and torn up, and it had to +e
put in a hea$y +race. %s or the +i#e, it was comp!ete!y man"!ed. I e8p!ained to
the doctor who treated me that I was in trainin" or a triath!on to +e he!d si8 days
!ater at La#e 0a!!as in Louis$i!!e. The doctor said, >%+so!ute!y no way. 6ou can.t do
anythin" or three wee#s. 0on.t run, don.t wa!#.> I !et the hospita! a day !ater,
!impin" and sore and thin#in" I was out o action. But ater a coup!e o days o
sittin" around, I "ot +ored. I went out to p!ay "o! at a !itt!e !oca! course, e$en
thou"h I sti!! had the !e" +race on. It e!t "ood to +e out and +e mo$in" around. I
too# the !e" +race o-. I thou"ht, Well, this isn't so bad. By the ourth day, I didn.t
see what the +i" dea! was. I e!t pretty "ood. I si"ned up or the triath!on, and that
ni"ht I to!d my mother, >I.m doin" that thin". I.m racin".> She @ust said, >O#ay.
)reat.> I ca!!ed a riend and said, >I "otta +orrow your +i#e.> Then I went into my
+athroom and cut the stitches out o my oot. I was a!ready "ood with the nai!
c!ippers. I !et the ones in my head, since I.d +e wearin" a swim cap. Then I cut
ho!es in my runnin" shoe and my +i#e shoe so the "ash in my oot wou!dn.t ru+.
3ar!y the ne8t mornin", I was at the startin" !ine with the rest o the competitors. I
was ;rst out o the water. I was ;rst o- the +i#e. I "ot cau"ht +y a coup!e o "uys
on the CDK run, and too# third. The ne8t day, there was a +i" artic!e in the paper
a+out how I.d +een hit +y a car and sti!! ;nished third. % wee# !ater, my mom and
I "ot a !etter rom the doctor. >I can.t +e!ie$e it,> he wrote. /OTHI/) S33M30 TO
SLO, M3 0O,/. I H%23 % LO23 o acce!eration in any orm, and as a teena"er I
de$e!oped a ascination with hi"h<perormance cars. The ;rst thin" I did with the
pri'e money rom my triath!on career was +uy a !itt!e used red Fiat, which I wou!d
race around 4!ano1without a dri$er.s !icense. One aternoon when I was in !!th
"rade, I pu!!ed o- a serious piece o dri$in" that my o!d riends sti!! mar$e! at. I
was cruisin" down a two<!ane road with some c!assmates when we approached
two cars mo$in" s!ow!y. Impatient!y, I hit the "as. I dro$e my !itt!e Fiat ri"ht
+etween the two cars. I shot the "ap, and you cou!d ha$e stuc# your ;n"er out o
the window and into the open mouths o the other dri$ers. I too# the car out at
ni"ht, which was i!!e"a! un!ess an adu!t was with me. One *hristmas season, I "ot
a part<time @o+ wor#in" at Toys >.H> 5s, he!pin" carry stu- out to customers. cars.
Ste$e Lewis "ot a @o+ at Tar"et, and we +oth had ni"ht shits, so our parents !et us
ta#e the cars to wor#. Bad decision. Ste$e and I wou!d dra"<race home, doin" ID
or ED throu"h the streets. Ste$e had a 4ontiac Trans %m, and I up"raded to a
*amaro IRO* QBI, a monster o a car. I was in a cheesy disco phase, and I wanted
that car more than anythin". &im Hoyt he!ped me +uy it +y si"nin" the !oan, and I
made a!! the month!y payments and carried the insurance. It was a ast, ast car,
and some ni"hts, we.d "o down to Forest Lane, which was a dra"<strip area, and
"et it up to CC: or CBD mph, down a ?:<mph road.
I had two sets o riends, a circ!e o popu!ar hi"h<schoo! #ids who I wou!d carouse
with, and then my ath!ete riends, the +i#e racers and runners and triath!etes,
some o them "rown men. There was socia! pressure at 4!ano 3ast, +ut my mother
and I cou!dn.t +e"in to #eep up with the &oneses, so we didn.t e$en try. ,hi!e other
#ids dro$e hot cars that their parents had "i$en them, I dro$e the one I had
+ou"ht with my own money. Sti!!, I e!t shunned at times. I was the "uy who did
weird sports and who didn.t wear the ri"ht !a+e!s. Some o my more socia! riends
wou!d say thin"s !i#e, >I I were you, I.d +e em+arrassed to wear those Lycra
shorts.> I shru""ed. There was an unwritten dress codeA the socia!!y accepta+!e
peop!e a!! wore uniorms with 4o!o !a+e!s on them. They mi"ht not ha$e #nown it,
+ut that.s what they were: uniorms. Same pants, same +oots, same +e!ts, same
wa!!ets, same caps. It was tota! conormity, and e$erythin" I was a"ainst.
I/ TH3 F%LL OF M6 S3/IOR 63%R I/ HI)H S*HOOL I entered an important time
tria! in Moriarty, /ew Me8ico, a +i" race or youn" riders, on a course where it
Rwas easy to ride a ast time. It was a 7at CB mi!es with $ery !itt!e wind, a!on" a
stretch o hi"hway. % !ot o +i" truc#s passed throu"h, and they wou!d +e!t you
with a hot +!ast o air that pushed you a!on". 6oun" riders went there to set
records and "et noticed. It was Septem+er +ut sti!! hot when we !et Te8as, so I
pac#ed !i"ht. On the mornin" o my ride I "ot up at F and headed out the door into
a +!ast o ear!y<mornin" mountain air. %!! I had on was a pair o +i#e shorts and a
short<s!ee$ed racin" @ersey. I "ot ;$e minutes down the road, and thou"ht, I can't
handle this. It was ri"id. I turned around and went +ac# to the room. I said, >Mom,
it.s so co!d out there I can.t ride. I need a @ac#et or somethin".> ,e !oo#ed throu"h
our !u""a"e, and I didn.t ha$e a sin"!e piece o warm c!othin". I hadn.t +rou"ht
anythin". I was tota!!y unprepared. It was the act o a comp!ete amateur. My mom
said, >,e!!, I ha$e a !itt!e wind+rea#er that I +rou"ht,> and she pu!!ed out this tiny
pin# @ac#et. I.$e to!d you how sma!! and de!icate she is. It !oo#ed !i#e somethin" a
do!! wou!d wear. >I.!! ta#e it,> I said. It was that co!d. I went +ac# outside. The
s!ee$es came up to my e!+ows, and it was ti"ht a!! o$er, +ut I wore it a!! throu"h
my warmup, a ?:<minute ride. I sti!! had it on when I "ot to the startin" area.
Stayin" warm is critica! or a time tria!, +ecause when they say >"o,> you.$e "ot to
+e comp!ete!y ready to "o, boom, a!!<out or CB mi!es. But I was sti!! co!d.
0esperate, I said, >Mom, "et in the car, and turn on the heat as hot and hi"h as
it.!! "o.> She started the car and !et it run, and put the heat on u!! +!ast. I "ot in
and hudd!ed in ront o the heatin" $ents. I said, >&ust te!! me when it.s time to
"o.> That was my warmup. Fina!!y, it was my turn. I "ot out o the car and ri"ht
onto the +i#e. I went to the start !ine and too# o-. I smashed the course record +y
?: seconds. The thin"s that were important to peop!e in 4!ano were +ecomin" !ess
and !ess important to me. Schoo! and socia!i'in" were second to me nowA
de$e!opin" into a wor!d<c!ass ath!ete was ;rst. My !ie.s am+ition wasn.t to own a
tract home near a strip ma!!. I had a ast car and money in my wa!!et, +ut that was
+ecause I was winnin" races1 in sports none o my c!assmates understood or
cared a+out. I too# !on"er and !on"er trainin" rides +y myse!. Sometimes a +unch
o us wou!d "o campin" or waters#iin", and aterward, instead o ridin" home in a
car with e$eryone e!se, I.d cyc!e a!! the way +ac#
a!one. Once, ater a campin" trip in Te8oma with some +uddies, I rode FD mi!es
home. /ot e$en the teachers at schoo! seemed to understand what I was ater.
0urin" the second semester o my senior year, I was in$ited +y the 5.S. *yc!in"
Federation to "o to *o!orado Sprin"s to train with the @unior 5.S. nationa! team,
and to tra$e! to Moscow or my ;rst +i" internationa! +i#e race, the CEED &unior
,or!d *hampionships. ,ord had "otten around ater my perormance in /ew
Me8ico. But the administrators at 4!ano 3ast o+@ected. They had a strict po!icy: no
une8cused a+sences. 6ou.d thin# a trip to Moscow wou!d +e worth e8tra credits,
and you.d thin# a schoo! wou!d +e proud to ha$e an O!ympic prospect in its
"raduation ro!!s. But they didn.t care. I went to *o!orado Sprin"s anyway, and
then to Moscow. %t the &unior ,or!ds, I had no idea what I was doin", I was a!! raw
ener"y with no concept o pacin" or tactics. But I !ed or se$era! !aps anyway,
+eore I aded, out o "as rom attac#in" too ear!y. Sti!!, the 5.S. ederation
oHcia!s were impressed, and the Russian coach to!d e$ery+ody I was the +est
youn" cyc!ist he had seen in years. I was "one or si8 wee#s. ,hen I "ot +ac# in
March, my "rades were a!! 'eroes +ecause o the missed attendance. % team o
si8 administrators met with my mother and me, and to!d us that un!ess I made up
a!! o the wor# in e$ery su+@ect o$er @ust a ew wee#s, I wou!dn.t "raduate with my
c!ass. My mother and I were stunned. >But there.s no way I can do that,> I to!d
them. The suits @ust !oo#ed at me. >6ou.re not a =uitter, are youG> one o them
said. I stared +ac# at them. I #new damn we!! that i I p!ayed oot+a!! and wore
4o!o shirts and had parents who +e!on"ed to Los Rios *ountry *!u+, thin"s wou!d
+e di-erent. >This meetin" is o$er,> I said. ,e "ot up and wa!#ed out. ,e had
a!ready paid or the "raduation announcements, the cap and "own, and the senior
prom. My mother said, >6ou stay in schoo! or the rest o the day, and +y the time
you "et home, I.!! ha$e this wor#ed out.> She went +ac# to her oHce and ca!!ed
e$ery pri$ate schoo! in the 0a!!as phone +oo#. She wou!d as# a pri$ate schoo! to
accept me, and then coness that she cou!dn.t pay or the tuition, so cou!d they
ta#e me or reeG She dia!ed schoo!s a!! o$er the area and e8p!ained our di!emma.
>He.s not a +ad #id,> she.d p!ead. >He doesn.t do dru"s. I promise you, he.s "oin"
p!aces.> By the end o the day, she.d ound a pri$ate academy, Bendin" Oa#s,
that was wi!!in" to accept me i I too# a coup!e o ma#e<up courses. ,e
transerred a!! o my credits rom 4!ano 3ast, and I "ot my de"ree on time. %t the
"raduation ceremony, a!! o my c!assmates had maroon tasse!s on their caps,
whi!e mine was 4!ano 3ast "o!d, +ut I wasn.t a +it em+arrassed. I decided to "o to
my senior prom at 4!ano 3ast anyway. ,e.d a!ready paid or it, so I wasn.t a+out
to miss it. I +ou"ht a corsa"e or my date, rented a tu8edo, and +oo#ed a
!imousine. That ni"ht, as I was "ettin" dressed in my tu8 and +ow tie, I had an
idea. My mother had ne$er +een in a !imo. I wanted her to e8perience that ride.
How do you articu!ate a!! that you ee! or and owe to a parentG My mother had
"i$en me more than any teacher or ather ;"ure e$er had, and she had done it
o$er some !on" hard years, years that must ha$e !oo#ed as empty to her at times
as those +rown Te8as ;e!ds. ,hen it came to ne$er =uittin", to not carin" how it
!oo#ed, to "rittin" your teeth and pushin" to the ;nish, I cou!d on!y hope to ha$e
the stamina and ortitude o my mother, a sin"!e woman with a youn" son and a
sma!! sa!ary1and there was no reward or her at the end o the day, either, no
trophy or ;rst<p!ace chec#. For her, there was @ust the #now!ed"e that honest
e-ort was a transormin" e8perience, and that her !o$e was redempti$e. 3$ery
time she said, >Ma#e an o+stac!e an opportunity, ma#e a ne"ati$e a positi$e,> she
was ta!#in" a+out me, I rea!i'edA a+out her decision to ha$e me and the way she
had raised me. >)et your prom dress on,> I to!d her. She owned a +eautiu!
sundress that she !i#ed to ca!! her >prom dress,> so she put it on and "ot in the car
with my date and me, and to"ether we rode around town or more than an hour,
!au"hin" and toastin" my "raduation, unti! it was time to drop us o- at the dance.
My mother was happy a"ain, and sett!in" into a new re!ationship. ,hen I was C9,
she met a man named &ohn ,a!!in", a "ood "uy who she e$entua!!y married. I
!i#ed him, and we +ecame riends, and I wou!d +e sorry when they sp!it up in
CEEI. It.s unny. 4eop!e are a!ways sayin" to me, >Hey, I ran into your ather.> I
ha$e to stop and thin#, /0actly who do they mean$ It cou!d +e any o three
peop!e, and ran#!y, my +irth ather I don.t #now rom a +an# te!!er, and I ha$e
nothin" to say to Terry. Occasiona!!y, some o the %rmstron"s try to "et in touch
with me, as i we.re ami!y. But we aren.t re!ated, and I wish they wou!d respect
my ee!in"s on the su+@ect. My ami!y are the Mooneyhams. %s or %rmstron", it.s
as i I made up my name, that.s how I ee! a+out it. I.m sure the %rmstron"s wou!d
"i$e you :D,DDD di-erent reasons why I needed a ather, and what "reat @o+s they
did. But I disa"ree. My mother "a$e me e$erythin". %!! I e!t or them was a #ind
o co!dness, and a !ac# o trust.
FOR % F3, MO/THS %FT3R )R%05%TIO/, I H5/) around 4!ano. Most o my 4!ano
3ast c!assmates went on to the state<uni$ersity systemA my +uddy Ste$e, or
instance, "ot his de"ree rom /orth Te8as State in CEEM. N/ot !on" a"o, 4!ano 3ast
he!d its CDth reunion. I wasn.t in$ited.O I was "ettin" tired o !i$in" in 4!ano. I was
competin" in +i#e races a!! o$er the country or a domestic trade team sponsored
+y Su<+aru<Mont"omery, +ut I #new the rea! racin" scene was in 3urope, and I e!t
I shou!d +e there. %!so, I had too much resentment or the p!ace ater what had
happened +eore my "raduation. I was in !im+o. By now I was re"u!ar!y +eatin"
the adu!t men I competed a"ainst, whether in a triath!on, or a CDK run, or a
Tuesday<ni"ht crit at the 4!ano !oop. To pass the time, I sti!! hun" around the
Richardson Bi#e Mart, owned +y &im Hoyt. &im had +een an a$id rider as a youn"
man, +ut then he "ot shipped o- to 2ietnam when he was CE, and ser$ed two
years in the inantry, the tou"hest #ind o duty. ,hen he came home, a!! he
wanted to do was ride a +i#e a"ain. He started out as a distri+utor or Schwinn,
and then he opened his own store with his wie, R&ionda. For years &im and Rhonda
ha$e cu!ti$ated youn" riders in the 0a!!as area +y rontin" them +i#es and
e=uipment, and +y payin" them stipends. &im +e!ie$ed in perormance incenti$es.
,e wou!d compete or cash and ree stu- he.d put up, and we raced that much
harder +ecause o it. %!! throu"h my senior year in hi"h schoo!, I earned J:DD a
month ridin" or &im Hoyt. &im had a sma!! oHce in the +ac# o his store where
we.d sit around and ta!#. I didn.t pay much attention to schoo! principa!s, or
stepathers, +ut sometimes I !i#ed to ta!# to him. >I wor# my +utt o-, +ut I !o$e
who I am,> he.d say. >I you @ud"e e$ery+ody +y money, you "ot a !ot to !earn as
you mo$e throu"h this !ie, .cause I "ot some riends who own their own
companies, and I "ot some riends who mow yards.> But &im was tou"h too, and
you didn.t oo! with him. I had a hea!thy respect or his temper. One ni"ht at the
Tuesday crits, I "ot into a sprint due! with another rider, an o!der man I wasn.t rea!
ond o. %s we came down the ;na! stretch, our +i#es made contact. ,e crossed
the ;nish !ine sho$in" each other, and we were throwin" punches +eore our +i#es
came to a stop. Then we were on each other, in the dirt. &im and some others
;na!!y pried us apart, and e$ery+ody !au"hed at me +ecause I wanted to #eep
du#in" it out. But &im "ot mad at me, and wasn.t "oin" to a!!ow that #ind o thin".
He wa!#ed o$er and pic#ed up my +i#e, and whee!ed it away. I was sorry to see it
"o. It was a Schwinn 4aramount, a "reat +i#e that I had ridden in Moscow at the
,or!d *hampionships, and I
wanted to use it a"ain in a sta"e race the o!!owin" wee#. % !itt!e !ater, I went o$er
to &im.s house. He came out into the ront yard. >*an I ha$e my +i#e +ac#G> I said.
>/ope,> he said. >6ou want to ta!# to me, you come to my oHce tomorrow.> I
+ac#ed away rom him. He was irate, to the point that I was araid he mi"ht ta#e a
swin" at me. %nd there was somethin" e!se he wasn.t too happy a+out: he #new I
had a ha+it o speedin" in the *amaro. % ew days !ater, he too# the car +ac#, too.
I was +eside myse!. I had made a!! the payments on that car, a+out J:,DDD worth.
On the other hand, some o that money had come rom the stipend he paid me to
ride or his team. But I wasn.t thin#in" c!ear!y, I was too mad. ,hen you.re C9 and
a man ta#es a *amaro IRO* Q away rom you, he.s on your hit !ist. So I ne$er did
"o see &im. I was too an"ry, and too araid o him. It was years +eore we spo#e
a"ain. Instead, I sp!it town. %ter my $isit to *o!orado Sprin"s and Moscow, I was
named to the 5.S. nationa! cyc!in" team, and I "ot a ca!! rom *hris *armichae!,
the team.s new!y named director. *hris had heard a+out my reputationA I was
super stron", +ut I didn.t understand a !ot a+out the tactics o racin". *hris to!d
me he wanted to de$e!op a who!e new "roup o youn" %merican cyc!istsA the
sport was sta"nant in the 5.S. and he was see#in" resh #ids to re@u$enate it. He
named some other youn" cyc!ists who showed potentia!, "uys !i#e Bo++y &u!ich
and )eor"e Hincapie, and said he wanted me to +e one o them. How wou!d I !i#e
to "o to 3uropeG It was time to "et out o the house.
three
TH3 LIF3 OF % RO%0 *6*LIST M3%/S H%2I/) your eet c!amped to the +i#e peda!s
churnin" at BD to ?D mi!es per hour, or hours and hours and days on end across
who!e continents. It means "u!pin" water and wo!;n" candy +ars in the sadd!e
+ecause you !ose CD to CB !iters o 7uid and +urn F,DDD ca!ories a day at such a
pace, and you don.t stop or anythin", not e$en to piss, or to put on a raincoat.
/othin" interrupts the hi"h<speed chess match that "oes on in the ti"ht pac# o
cyc!ists ca!!ed the peloton as you hiss throu"h the rain and !a+or up co!d
mountainsides, swer$in" o$er rain<s!ic# pa$ement and @ouncin" o$er
co++!estones, #nowin" that a sin"!e wron" mo$e +y a ner$ous rider who "ra+s his
+ra#es too hard or yan#s too sharp!y on his hand!e+ars can turn you and your +i#e
into a heap o twisted meta! and scraped 7esh. I had no idea what I was "ettin"
into. ,hen I !et home at CI, my idea o a race was to !eap on and start peda!in". I
was ca!!ed >+rash> in my ear!y days, and the ta" has o!!owed me e$er since,
may+e deser$ed!y. I was $ery youn" and I had a !ot to !earn, and I said and did
some thin"s that may+e I shou!dn.t ha$e, +ut I wasn.t tryin" to +e a @er#. I was
@ust Te8an. The +#ore de #e0as,+ the Spanish press named me. In my ;rst +i"
internationa! race, I did e$erythin" my coach to!d me not to do. It was at the CEED
amateur ,or!d *hampionships in 5tsunomiya, &apan, a CC:<mi!e road race o$er a
tou"h course with a !on", hard
c!im+. To ma#e matters more diHcu!t, it happened to +e a swe!terin" day with
temperatures in the EDs. I was competin" as a mem+er o the 5.S. nationa! team
under *hris *armichae!, a sandy<haired, rec#!ed youn" coach who I didn.t #now
$ery we!! yet1and didn.t !isten to. *hris "a$e me strict instructions: I was to han"
+ac# in the pac# or much o the race and !oo# or his si"na! +eore ma#in" any
#ind o mo$e. It was too hot and the course too arduous to try to race in ront, into
the headwind. The smart thin" to do was to drat and conser$e my ener"y. >I want
you to wait,> *hris said. >I don.t want to see you near the ront, catchin" any
wind.> I nodded, and mo$ed to the start area. On the ;rst !ap, I did what he to!d
me to and rode near the +ac#. But then I cou!dn.t he!p myse!A I wanted to test my
!e"s. I +e"an to mo$e up. On the second !ap, I too# the !ead, and when I came +y
the chec#point, I was a!! +y myse!, ?: seconds up on the ;e!d. I strea#ed past
*hris. %s I went +y, I "!anced o$er at him. He had his arms spread wide, as i to
say, >,hat are you doin"G> I "rinned at him and "a$e him the Te8as Lon"horn
si"n: I wa$ed, my pin#y and ore;n"er e8tended in the air. 1ook 'em, horns. *hris
started ye!!in" to the 5.S. sta-, >,hat is he doing$+ ,hat was I doin"G I was @ust
"oin". It was a mo$e that wou!d +ecome #nown as c!assic ear!y %rmstron": a
contrary and spectacu!ar!y i!!<ad$ised attac#. I proceeded to "o so!o or the ne8t
three !aps, and +ui!t a !ead o a+out a minute and a ha!. I was ee!in" pretty "ood
a+out myse!, when the heat started to "et to me. /e8t thin" I #new, MD "uys
came up and @oined me. ,ith ha! the race sti!! to "o, I was a!ready su-erin". I
tried to #eep ridin" at the ront, +ut I didn.t ha$e enou"h !et. Sapped +y the heat
and the c!im+s, I ;nished !!th. Sti!!, it was the +est %merican ;nish in the history o
the race, and +y the time it ended, *hris was more p!eased than an"ry. %terward,
we went to the hote! +ar and dran# a +eer to"ether and ta!#ed. I wasn.t sure how I
e!t a+out *hris. ,hen I ;rst came out o 4!ano he had sp!it the 5.S. nationa! team
into two "roups, and p!aced me with the >B> team, and I hadn.t =uite or"i$en him
or the s!i"ht. I wou!d !earn, howe$er, that his easy"oin" manner came with a
+rother!y !oya!ty and a $ast amount o cyc!in" wisdomA he was a ormer O!ympian,
and had competed with )re" LeMond as a youn" cyc!ist. ,e sipped Kirin and went
o$er the e$ents o the day, !au"hin" a+out them. Then sudden!y *hris turned
serious. He con"ratu!ated me or the !!th<p!ace ;nish, and said he !i#ed what he
saw. >6ou weren.t araid to ai!,> he said. >6ou weren.t out there thin#in", .,hat i I
"et cau"htG. > I a+sor+ed the praise happi!y. But then he added, >O course, i you
had #nown what you were doin" and conser$ed your ener"y, you.d ha$e +een in
the meda!s.> Here I had done +etter than any %merican e$er +eore, and *hris
was su""estin" it wasn.t "ood enou"h. In act, in his su+t!e way, he was te!!in" me
that I had +!own it. He #ept ta!#in". >I.m serious. 6ou can do a !ot +etter,> he said.
>I.m con$inced you.re "oin" to +e a wor!d champion. But there.s a !ot o wor# to
do.> *hris pointed out that the top riders, the Marco 4antanis, the Mi"ue!
Indurains, were a!! as stron" as or stron"er than I was. >So is e$ery+ody you.re
racin" at this !e$e!,> he said. ,hat wou!d separate me wou!d +e my tactics. I had
to !earn how to race, and the on!y p!ace to do it was on the +i#e. That ;rst year, I
must ha$e spent BDD days o$erseas, ridin" around 3urope, +ecause the true test
was on the road, where there was no hidin" in a CFD<mi!e race. In the !ast part,
you either had it or you didn.t. %t home, I sett!ed in %ustin, in the Te8as hi!!
country where stony, dar#<"reen +an#s surround the town !a#e that.s ed +y the
wide, uneasy waters o the *o!orado Ri$er. In %ustin, no+ody seemed to care what
I wore, or whether I >+e!on"ed> or not. In act, I cou!dn.t ;nd two peop!e dressed
a!i#e, and some o the wea!thiest peop!e in town !oo#ed !i#e $a"rants. It was a
town that seemed to +e made or the youn", with an e$er<e$o!$in" se!ection o
+ars and music c!u+s on Fth Street, and ho!e<in<the<wa!! Te8<Me8 @oints where I
cou!d eat chi!i peppers or sport. It was a!so a "reat town or trainin", with end!ess
+i#e trai!s and +ac# roads to e8p!ore or mi!es around. I
rented a sma!! +un"a!ow near the 5ni$ersity o Te8as campus, which was ;ttin"
since I was a student, not in the c!assroom, o course, +ut on the +i#e. *yc!in" is
an intricate, hi"h!y po!itici'ed sport, and it.s ar more o a team sport than the
spectator rea!i'es, as I was disco$erin". It has a !an"ua"e a!! its own, pieced
to"ether rom a samp!in" o 3uropean words and phrases, and a pecu!iar ethic as
we!!. On any team, each rider has a @o+, and is responsi+!e or a speci;c part o
the race. The s!ower riders are ca!!ed domesti2ues1ser$ants1+ecause they do
the !ess "!amorous wor# o >pu!!in"> up hi!!s N>pu!!in"> is cyc!in" !in"o or +!oc#in"
the wind or the other ridersO and protectin" their team !eader throu"h the $arious
peri!s o a sta"e race. The team !eader is the principa! cyc!ist, the rider most
capa+!e o sprintin" to a ;nish with C:D mi!es in his !e"s. I was startin" as a
domesti=ue, +ut I wou!d "radua!!y +e "roomed or the ro!e o team !eader. I
!earned a+out the pe!oton1the massi$e pac# o riders that ma#es up the main
+ody o the race. To the spectator it seems !i#e a radiant +!ur, hummin" as it "oes
+y, +ut that co!oru! +!ur is rie with contact, the c!ashin" o hand!e+ars, e!+ows,
and #nees, and it.s u!! o internationa! intri"ues and dea!s. The speed o the
pe!oton $aries. Sometimes it mo$es at BD mi!es an hour, the riders peda!in" s!ow
and chattin". Other times, the "roup is spanned out across the road and we.re
"oin" ?D mi!es an hour. ,ithin the pe!oton, there are constant ne"otiations
+etween competin" riders: pu!! me today, and I.!! pu!! you tomorrow. )i$e an inch,
ma#e a riend. 6ou don.t ma#e dea!s that compromise yourse! or your team, o
course, +ut you he!p other riders i you can, so they mi"ht return the a$or. The
po!itics cou!d +e am+i"uous and conusin" to a youn" rider, e$en upsettin", and I
"ot a harsh !esson in them in ear!y CEEC. My p!an was to race as an amateur
throu"h the CEEB O!ympics in Barce!ona, and to turn pro ri"ht aterward. In the
meantime, I continued to race in the 5.S. or Su+aru<Mont"omery. Technica!!y, I
was a mem+er o two di-erent teams: internationa!!y, I raced or the 5.S. nationa!
team under *hris *armichae!, +ut domestica!!y I competed or Su+aru<
Mont"omery. ,hi!e I was o$erseas with the nationa! team in .EC, we entered a
presti"ious race in Ita!y ca!!ed the Settimana Ber"amasca. It was a pro<am sta"e
race, a ten<day ride throu"h northern Ita!y, and some o the +est cyc!ists in the
wor!d wou!d +e there. /o %merican had e$er won it1+ut our 5.S. team under
*hris had "reat mora!e and teamwor#, and we e!t we mi"ht @ust pu!! it o-. There
was an aw#wardness, howe$er. The Su+aru<Mont"omery team was a!so entered,
and I wou!d +e racin" a"ainst them, ridin" in my stars and stripes, whi!e they
wou!d wear their Su+aru<Mont"omery @erseys. /ine days out oten, they were my
teammates, +ut or this race, we wou!d +e competitors. 3ar!y in the race, a
Su+aru1Mont"omery rider and riend o mine, /ate Reese, too# the o$era!! !ead.
But I was ridin" we!!, too. I mo$ed into second. I was e8u!tantA it seemed !i#e the
+est o +oth wor!ds to ha$e the two o us ridin" at the ront. But the Su+aru<
Mont"omery team director didn.t ee! the same way. He was not happy to see me
in contention, and he !et me #now it. Between two sta"es, he ca!!ed me o$er. >6ou
wor# or /ate,> he said to me. I stared at him, uncomprehendin". Sure!y he didn.t
mean I was supposed to han" +ac# and p!ay the ro!e o domesti=ue to /ateG But
that.s e8act!y what he did mean. >6ou.re not to attac#,> he ordered. Then he to!d
me strai"ht out that I was o+!i"ed to !et /ate win. I was deep!y !oya! to the
nationa! team. *ompared to the rest o the ;e!d, we were underdo"s, a ra"ta"
crew stayin" in a tiny hote!, three "uys to a room, with no money. ,e were on
such a ti"ht +ud"et that *hris washed our water +ott!es each ni"ht and recyc!ed
them, whi!e the pro teams !i#e Su+aru1Mont"omery wou!d throw theirs away
ater one use. I I cou!d win the Settimana Ber"amasca, it wou!d +e a hu"e $ictory
or the 5.S. pro"ram, and or %merican cyc!in" in "enera!. But my trade<team
mana"er was te!!in" me to ho!d +ac#. I went to *hris and conessed that I was
+ein" to!d not to ride hard +y the Su+aru<Mont"omery director. >Lance, this is
your race to win,> *hris said. >6ou can't not attac#. It.s yours.> The ne8t day, I rode
hard. Ima"ine: you.re "oin" up a hi!! with CDD "uys in the pe!oton. )radua!!y, :D
"uys "et dropped, then BD more "et dropped, and then CD more. 6ou.re down to
C: or BD "uys. It.s a race o attrition. To ma#e thin"s e$en harder on your
competitors, you attac#1raise the tempo e$en more. Those remainin" riders who
can.t #eep up "et dropped, too. That.s the essence o road racin".
But I was supposed to wait or /ate. The more I thou"ht a+out it, it was not e$en
an option. I said to myse!, If he's strong enough to stay here, 3ne. If he gets
dropped, I'm not waiting for him. He "ot dropped. %nd I didn.t wait or him. I went
with the !eaders, and at the end o the day I wore the !eader.s @ersey, whi!e /ate
had !ost a+out BD minutes or so. The Su+aru<Mont"omery team director was
urious, and aterward, he an"ri!y conronted *hris and me. >,hat are you tryin"
to doG> he as#ed. *hris @umped to my deense. >Hey, this is a +i#e race,> *hris
said. >He.s ridin" to win.> %s we wa!#ed away, I was deep!y upset. On the one
hand I e!t +etrayed and a+andoned +y the team director, and on the other, I sti!!
stru""!ed with "ui!t and con7ictin" !oya!ty. That ni"ht, *hris and I sat down to ta!#
a"ain. >Loo#, i peop!e are sayin" you shou!dn.t attac#, they aren.t thin#in" a+out
what.s +est or you,> *hris said. >This is a historic race and an %merican has ne$er
won it, and you.re ridin" it with the +est pros in Ita!y. I you win, it.s "reat or your
career. ,hat.s more, you.re ridin" or the 5.S. nationa! team. I you don.t do your
+est, what messa"e does that sendG> In my opinion, it wou!d ha$e +een the worst
possi+!e messa"e: >Sorry I.m in the !ead1I ha$e to !et this other "uy win +ecause
he.s a pro.> I cou!dn.t do it. 6et I was worried that the team director cou!d dama"e
my uture as a pro +y +ad<mouthin" me. *hris said, >0on.t worry, you @ust do what
you thin# is ri"ht. I you win this race, you.re "oin" to +e set.> I wanted to ta!# to
my mother. I cou!d +are!y ;"ure out the phones and how to dia! the States, +ut I
;na!!y "ot throu"h to her. >Son, what.s "oin" onG> she said. I e8p!ained the
situation, so upset I was practica!!y stutterin". >Mom, I don.t #now what to do,> I
said. >I.m in one o the !eadin" positions, +ut the Su+aru director is te!!in" me
/ate Reese is "oin" to win, and I ha$e to he!p him.> My mother !istened, and then
she said, >Lance, i you ee! !i#e you can win the race, you do it.> >I thin# I can.>
>Then to he!! with them,> she said. >6ou.re "oin" to win this race. 0on.t !et
any+ody intimidate you1you put your head down, and you race.> I put my head
down, and I raced. I was an unpopu!ar !eader, and not @ust with Su+aru<
Mont"omeryA the Ita!ian race ans !inin" the course were so incensed that an
%merican was in ront that they scattered "!ass and thum+tac#s in the road,
hopin" I wou!d +!ow a tire. But as the race wore on, the Ita!ians steadi!y warmed
to me, and +y the time I crossed the ;nish !ine, they cheered. I was the winner. I
had done it, "i$en the 5.S. nationa! team a $ictory in a 3uropean race. Our team
was ecstatic, and so was *hris. That ni"ht, as I came down rom the podium, *hris
to!d me somethin" I.$e ne$er or"otten. >6ou.re "onna win the Tour de France one
day,> he said.
*6*LI/) is % S4ORT TH%T 3MB%RR%SS3S 6O5TH, rather than rewards it. %s I had
p!anned, I turned pro immediate!y ater the O!ympics1and immediate!y ;nished
dead !ast in my $ery ;rst race. I.d had a disappointin" perormance in the
Barce!ona )ames, ;nishin" C?th in the road race, +ut somehow I mana"ed to
impress one o the most in7uentia! men in %merican cyc!in", a man named &im
Ochowic', who too# a chance and si"ned me to a pro contract. >Och,> as
e$ery+ody ca!!ed him, was the director o a team sponsored +y Motoro!a, made up
primari!y o %merican riders. Och was a cyc!in" pioneer: in CEI: he had or"ani'ed
the ;rst predominant!y %merican s=uad to race o$erseas, and pro$en that 5.S.
riders cou!d compete in the traditiona!!y 3uropean sport. NOne o those ear!y riders
or Och.s Team 9<3!e$en was *hris *armichae!.O % year !ater, )re" LeMond won
the CEIF Tour de France and +rou"ht the e$ent into the %merican consciousness.
Och was a!ways on the !oo#out or risin" youn" %mericans, and *hris steered me
toward him. He introduced us one ni"ht in the midst o the Tour 0u 4ont, the
+i""est sta"e race he!d on %merican soi!. I went to Och.s hote! or what amounted
to a @o+ inter$iew. I didn.t rea!i'e it then, +ut I was meetin" my surro"ate ather.
My ;rst impression was o a "an"!y, sot<spo#en man in his ?Ds with an easy !au"h
and a +road, toothy smi!e. ,e sat around and chatted a+out where I came rom,
and he to!d me what he was !oo#in" or in a rider: he wanted to ;nd a youn"
%merican who mi"ht o!!ow in LeMond.s ootsteps and win the Tour de France.
Och.s teams had p!aced riders ourth on a coup!e o di-erent occasions, +ut had
ne$er won it. Och as#ed me what my own am+ition was. >I want to +e the +est
rider there is,> I said. >I want to "o to 3urope and +e a pro. I don.t want to @ust +e
"ood at it, I want to +e the +est.> That was "ood enou"h or OchA he handed me a
contract and pac#ed me o- to 3urope. My ;rst race was the *!asica San
Se+astian. They may ca!! it a >c!assic,> +ut in rea!ity it.s a horri+!y punishin"
sin"!e<day race in which riders co$er more than a hundred mi!es, re=uent!y o$er
+one<ratt!in" terrain, in terri+!e weather. It is atmospheric and historic, and
notorious!y +ruta!. San Se+astian turned out to +e a "or"eous seaside town in
Bas=ue country, +ut the day o my de+ut was "ray, pourin" rain, and +it<in"!y
co!d. There is nothin" more uncomorta+!e than ridin" in the rain, +ecause you
can ne$er, e$er "et warm. 6our Lycra @ersey is nothin" more than a second s#in.
*o!d rain soa#s it, p!asterin" it to your +ody, so the chi!! min"!es with your sweat
and seeps down into your +ones. 6our musc!es sei'e up and "row hea$y with
ri"id, sodden e8haustion. The day o my de+ut, it rained so hard it hurt. %s we
started o- into the stin"in", icy downpour, I =uic#!y aded to the +ac#, and as the
day wore on, I s!ipped arther and arther +ehind, shi$erin" and stru""!in" to
peda!. Soon, I was in !ast p!ace. %head o me, the ;e!d was "rowin" thinner as
riders +e"an to "i$e up. 3$ery so oten one wou!d pu!! o$er to the side o the road
and a+andon the race. I was tempted to do the same, to s=uee'e the +ra#es, rise
up rom the +ars, and coast to the side o the road. It wou!d +e so easy. But I
cou!dn.t, not in my ;rst pro start. It wou!d +e too humi!iatin". ,hat wou!d my
teammates thin#G I wasn.t a =uitter. Why don't you 4ust 2uit$ Son, you ne&er 2uit.
Fity riders dropped out, +ut I #ept peda!in". I came in dead !ast in the ;e!d o CCC
riders. I crossed the ;nish !ine a!most ha! an hour +ehind the winner, and as I
churned up the !ast hi!!, the Spanish crowd +e"an to !au"h and hiss at me. >Loo#
at the sorry one in !ast p!ace,> one @eered. % ew hours !ater, I sat in the Madrid
airport, s!umped in a chair. I wanted to =uit the entire sport. It was the most
so+erin" race o my !ieA on my way to San Se+astian, I had actua!!y thou"ht I had
a chance o winnin", and now I wondered i I cou!d compete at a!!. They had
!au"hed at me. 4roessiona! cyc!in" was "oin" to +e a !ot harder than I.d thou"htA
the pace was aster, the terrain tou"her, the competition more ;t than I e$er
ima"ined. I pu!!ed a shea o unused p!ane tic#ets out o my poc#et. %mon" them,
I had a return portion to the States. I considered usin" it. aybe I should 4ust go
home, I thou"ht, and ;nd somethin" e!se to do, somethin" I was "ood at. I went
to a pay phone and ca!!ed *hris *armichae!. I to!d him how depressed I was, and
that I was considerin" =uittin". *hris @ust !istened, and then he said, >Lance, you
are "oin" to !earn more rom that e8perience than any other race in your who!e
!ie.> I was ri"ht to ha$e stayed in and ;nished, to pro$e to my new teammates
that I was a tou"h rider. I they were "oin" to re!y on me, they needed to #now I
wasn.t a =uitter. /ow they did. >O#ay,> I said. >O#ay. I.!! #eep "oin".> I hun" up,
and +oarded the p!ane or the ne8t race. I had @ust two days o-, and then I was
schedu!ed to compete in the *hampionship o Qurich. I had a !ot to pro$e, to
myse! and e$eryone e!se1and un!ess my heart e8p!oded in my chest, I was not
"oin" to +e !ast a"ain. I ;nished second in Qurich. I attac#ed rom the start and
stayed on the attac# or practica!!y the entire race.
I had !itt!e or no idea tactica!!y how to ride in the race1I @ust put my head down
and +u!!ed throu"h it, and when I stepped onto the meda! podium it was more
with re!ie than e!ation. !kay, I thou"ht to myse!, I think I can do this after all. I
ca!!ed *hris *armichae!. >SeeG> *hris said. In the space o @ust a ew days I had
"one rom depressed roo#ie to !e"itimate competitor. The turnaround pro$o#ed
murmurs around the sport: Who's this guy and what's he all about$ peop!e wanted
to #now. It was a =uestion I sti!! needed to answer or myse!. %/ %M3RI*%/ I/
*6*LI/) ,%S *OM4%R%BL3 TO % French +ase+a!! team in the ,or!d Series. I was
a "ate<crasher in a re$ered and time<honored sport, and I had !itt!e or no concept
o its ru!es, written and unwritten, or its eti=uette. Let.s @ust say that my Te8as
manners didn.t e8act!y p!ay we!! on the continent. There was a +i" di-erence
+etween the discreet @oc#eyin" o 3uropean cyc!in", and the swa""erin", trash<
ta!#in" %merican idea o competition I was reared with. Li#e most %mericans, I
"rew up o+!i$ious to cyc!in"A it wasn.t unti! LeMond.s $ictory in the .IF Tour that I
rea!!y noticed the sport. There was a way thin"s were done, and attitudes that I
didn.t understand, and e$en when I did understand them I didn.t ee! I had to +e a
part o them. In act, I i"nored them. I raced with no respect. %+so!ute!y none. I
paraded, mouthed o-, sho$ed my ;sts in the air. I ne$er +ac#ed down. The
@ourna!ists !o$ed meA I was di-erent, I made "ood copy, I was co!oru!. But I was
ma#in" enemies. % road is on!y so wide. Riders are constant!y mo$in" around,
;"htin" or position, and oten the smart and dip!omatic thin" to do is to !et a
e!!ow rider in. In a !on" sta"e race, you "i$e a !itt!e to ma#e a riend, +ecause you
mi"ht need one !ater. )i$e an inch, ma#e a riend. But I wou!dn.t do it. 4art!y it
was my character at the time: I was insecure and deensi$e, not tota!!y con;dent
o how stron" I was. I was sti!! the #id rom 4!ano with the chip on my shou!der,
ridin" head!on", peda!in" out o an"er. I didn.t thin# I cou!d a-ord to "i$e up
inches. Sometimes I wou!d ye!! at other riders in the pe!oton, in rustration: >4u!!
or "et out o the wayP> I didn.t understand yet that or $arious reasons a "uy
mi"ht sit on the +ac#, may+e +ecause his team !eader to!d him to, or +ecause he
was tired and hurtin". It wasn.t his @o+ to mo$e out o my way, or to wor# harder
so I cou!d ride at a aster pace. NI don.t "et so ri!ed up a+out those thin"s
anymore, and oten I.m the one who sits on the +ac#, hurtin".O I wou!d !earn that
in the pe!oton, other riders can tota!!y mess you up, @ust to #eep you rom
winnin". There is a term in cyc!in", >7ic#in".> It.s a deri$ati$e o the )erman word
3cken, which means >to uc#.> I you 7ic# some+ody in the pe!oton, it means to
screw him, @ust to "et him. There.s a !ot o 7ic#in" in the pe!oton. )uys wou!d 7ic#
me @ust to 7ic# me. They wou!d race to see that I didn.t win, simp!y +ecause they
didn.t !i#e me. They cou!d cut me o-. They cou!d iso!ate me, and ma#e me ride
s!ower, or they cou!d sur"e and push the pace, ma#in" me wor# harder than I
wanted to, wea#enin" me. Fortunate!y I was surrounded +y some protecti$e
teammates, "uys !i#e Sean 6ates, Ste$e Bauer, and Fran#ie %ndreu, who tried to
"ent!y e8p!ain that I wasn.t doin" myse! any "ood, or them either. >Lance, you.$e
"ot to try to contro! yourse!, you.re ma#in" enemies,> Fran#ie wou!d say. They
seemed to understand that I had some maturin" to do, and i they were
e8asperated with me, they #ept it to themse!$es, and patient!y steered me in the
ri"ht direction. Teammates are critica! in cyc!in"1I had ei"ht o them on the
Motoro!a s=uad, and I needed each and e$ery one. On a se$ere c!im+ it cou!d sa$e
me thirty percent o my ener"y to ride +ehind a co!!ea"ue, dratin", >sittin" on his
whee!.> Or, on a windy day, my ei"ht teammates wou!d stay out in ront o me,
shie!din" me and sa$in" me up to :D percent o the wor# I.d ha$e to do otherwise.
3$ery team needs "uys who are sprinters, "uys who are c!im+ers, "uys wi!!in" to
do the dirty wor#. It was $ery important to reco"ni'e the e-ort o each person
in$o!$ed1and not to waste it. >,ho.s "oin" to wor# hard or someone who doesn.t
winG> Och as#ed me, and it was a "ood =uestion.
6ou don.t win a road race a!! on your own. 6ou need your teammates1and you
need the "oodwi!! and cooperation o your competitors, too. 4eop!e had to want to
ride or you, and with you. But in those ;rst months, a coup!e o my competitors
!itera!!y wanted to punch me out. I wou!d insu!t "reat 3uropean champions. In one
o my ;rst races as a pro, the Tour o the Mediterranean, I encountered Moreno
%r"entin, a $ery serious, $ery respected Ita!ian cyc!ist. He was one o the dons o
the sport, a ormer ,or!d *hampion who had won races a!! o$er the continent. But
I sur"ed ri"ht up to the ront and cha!!en"ed him. There were C:D "uys +unched
a!! to"ether, @oc#eyin" or position, 7ic#in", comin" o$er on each other, and
pushin" each other out o the way. %s I drew e$en with %r"entin, he "!anced at
me, $a"ue!y surprised, and said, >,hat are you doin" here, BishopG> For some
reason it inuriated me. He didn.t #now my name. He thou"ht I was %ndy Bishop,
another mem+er o the %merican team. I thou"ht, #his guy doesn't know my
name$ >Fuc# you, *hiapucciP> I said, ca!!in" him +y the name o one o his
teammates. %r"entin did a dou+!e ta#e, incredu!ous. He was the capo, the +oss,
and to him I was a ace!ess youn" %merican who had yet to win anythin", yet here
I was cussin" him out. But I.d had a num+er o promisin" resu!ts, and in my own
mind, he shou!d ha$e #nown who I was. >Hey, *hiapucci,> I said. >My name.s
Lance %rmstron", and +y the end o this race you.!! #now it.> For the rest o the
race, my so!e aim was to throw %r"entin o- his pedesta! head;rst. But in the end,
I aded. It was a ;$e<day sta"e race, and I cou!dn.t #eep up1I was too
ine8perienced. %terward, %r"entin came to our team compound, screamin". He
ranted at my teammates a+out my +eha$ior. That was part o the eti=uette tooA i
a youn" rider was +ecomin" a pro+!em, it was up to the o!der riders to "et him in
!ine. Rou"h!y trans!ated, what %r"entin was sayin" was, >6ou need to teach him
some manners.> % ew days !ater, I entered a race in Ita!y, this one the Trophee
Lai"ue"!ia, a one<day c!assic. The Trophee was considered an automatic win or
%r"entin, and I #new it. The a$orites in any race in Ita!y were, o course, the
Ita!ians, and especia!!y their !eader %r"entin. One thin" you didn.t do to a $eteran
cyc!ist was disrespect him in his home country, in ront o his ans and sponsors.
But I went ater him a"ain. I cha!!en"ed him when no+ody e!se wou!d, and this
time the resu!t was di-erent. In the Trophee Lai"ue"!ia, I won the due!.
%t the end o the race, it was a +rea#away o our riders, and at the ront were
%r"entin, *hiapucci, a 2ene'ue!an named Sierra1and me. I hur!ed myse! throu"h
the ;na! sprint, and too# the !ead. %r"entin cou!dn.t +e!ie$e he was "oin" to !ose
to me, the !oudmouth %merican. He then did somethin" that has a!ways stayed
with me. Fi$e yards rom the ;nish !ine, he +ra#ed. He !oc#ed up his whee!s1
intentiona!!y. He too# ourth, out o the meda!s. I won the race. There are three
p!aces on a podium, and %r"entin didn.t want to stand +eside me. In an odd way,
it made more o an impression on me than any !ecture or ;st;"ht cou!d ha$e.
,hat he was sayin" was that he didn.t respect me. It was a curious!y e!e"ant orm
o insu!t, and an e-ecti$e one. In the years since then, I.$e "rown up and !earned
to admire thin"s Ita!ian: their e8=uisite manners, art, ood, and articu!acy, not to
mention their "reat rider, Moreno %r"entin. In act, %r"entin and I ha$e +ecome
"ood riends. I ha$e a "reat dea! o a-ection or him, and when we see each other
these days, we em+race, Ita!ian sty!e, and !au"h.
M6 R3S5LTS *O/TI/530 TO 233R 54 %/0 0O,/, %S cra'i!y as I wo$e throu"h a
pe!oton. I.d attac# anytime. I.d @ust "o. Someone wou!d sur"e, and I.d counter, not
out o any sense o rea! strate"y, +ut as i to say, >Is that a!! you "otG> I had my
share o resu!ts +ecause I was a stron" #id, and I rode on the tactics and coattai!s
o others, +ut
much o the time I was too a""ressi$e, repeatin" the same critica! mista#e I.d
made ridin" or *hris *armichae! +ac# in &apan: I.d char"e to the ront and ride a!!
+y myse!, and then a!ter. Sometimes I didn.t e$en ;nish in the top BD. %terward
one o my teammates wou!d as#, >,hat the he!! were you doin"G> >I e!t "ood,> I.d
say, !ame!y. But I was ortunate to ride or two $ery smart, sensiti$e coaches: I
continued to train with *hris as part o the nationa! team, whi!e Och and his team
director, Henny Kuiper, mana"ed my dai!y racin" or Motoro!a. They spent a !ot o
time on the phone comparin" notes, and they reco"ni'ed and a"reed on
somethin" important: my stren"th was the sort you cou!dn.t teach or train. 6ou
can teach someone how to contro! their stren"th, +ut you can.t teach them to +e
stron". ,hi!e my a""ression wasn.t winnin" me riends in the pe!oton, it mi"ht
+ecome a $a!ua+!e asset one day, they suspected. Och and *hris e!t that
endurance e$ents were not on!y a+out su-erin" pain, +ut a+out in7ictin" it, too,
and in my attac#in" nature they saw the +e"innin"s o somethin" predatory. >6ou
e$er hear a+out how when you sta+ some+ody, it.s rea!!y persona!G> *hris said
once. >,e!!, a +i#e race is that #ind o persona!. 0on.t #id yourse!. It.s a #nie
;"ht.> Och and *hris e!t that i I e$er "ained contro! o my temperament, I.d +e a
rider to rec#on with. In the meantime they hand!ed me $ery careu!!y, intuitin"
that i they started ye!!in" at me, I wou!d most !i#e!y turn o-, or re+e!. They
decided the !essons shou!d sin# in s!ow!y. There are some thin"s you !earn +etter
throu"h e8perience, and Och and *hris !et me ;"ure it out on my own. %t ;rst, I
ne$er e$a!uated my races. I.d thin#, >I was the stron"est rider out thereA those
"uys cou!dn.t #eep up with me.> But when I !ost se$era! races, I was orced to
thin# a"ain, and one day it ;na!!y occurred to me: >,ait a minute. I I.m the
stron"est "uy, why didn.t I winG> S!ow!y, steadi!y, Och and *hris passed a!on"
their #now!ed"e o the character o $arious courses, and the way a race e$o!$es
tactica!!y. >There are moments when you can use your ener"y to your +ene;t, and
there are moments when you use it to no a$ai!. That.s a waste,> Och said. I +e"an
to !isten to the other riders, and !et them rein me in. I roomed with two $eterans,
Sean 6ates and Ste$e Bauer, who had a !ot o in7uence o$er me. I ed o- them,
pic#ed up a !ot o #now!ed"e @ust sittin" around the dinner ta+!e. They he!ped to
#eep my eet on the "round. I was Mr. 3ner"y, +ouncin" o- the wa!!s, sayin"
thin"s !i#e, >Let.s "o out there and #ic# +uttP> They wou!d ro!! their eyes. Och not
on!y tamed meA more important, he educated me. I was uncomorta+!e !i$in" in
3urope se$en months out the yearA I missed my Shiner Boc# +eer and Me8ican
ood, I missed the hot, dry Te8as ;e!ds, and I missed my apartment in %ustin,
where I had a !on"horn s#u!! o$er the ;rep!ace mante! co$ered in red, white, and
+!ue !eather, with a Lone Star on his orehead. I whined a+out the cars, the hote!s,
the ood. >,hy are we stayin" at this dumpG> I.d say. I was !earnin" a cyc!in"
tradition: the discomort o the sport e8tends to the accommodations. Some o the
hote!s we stayed in made Mote! F !oo# pretty nice1there were crum+s on the
+are 7oors and hairs in the +ed<sheets. To me, the meat was mysterious, the
pasta was so""y, and the co-ee tasted !i#e +rown water. But e$entua!!y I +ecame
acc!imated, and than#s to my teammates, my discomort "ot to +e unny. ,e.d
pu!! up in ront o our ne8t hote!, and they.d @ust wait or me to start comp!ainin".
,hen I !oo# +ac# at the raw youn" rider and person I was, I ee! impatience with
him, +ut I a!so ee! some sympathy. 5nderneath the tou"h ta!# and the
com+ati$eness and the +itchin", I was araid. I was araid o e$erythin". I was
araid o the train schedu!es and the airports and the roads. I was araid o the
phones, +ecause I didn.t #now how to dia! them. I was araid o the menus,
+ecause I cou!dn.t read them. Once, at a dinner or some &apanese +usiness
e8ecuti$es hosted +y Och, I particu!ar!y distin"uished myse!. Och as#ed that each
o the riders introduce himse!, statin" his name and country. I stood up. >He!!o,
I.m Lance rom Te8as,> I +oomed. The who!e party +ro#e up. They were !au"hin"
at me a"ain. But ine$ita+!y, !i$in" in 3urope +e"an to po!ish me. I rented an
apartment in La#e *omo, Ita!y, and was charmed +y that misty, dusty town tuc#ed
in the Ita!ian %!ps. Och was a wine !o$er, and I +ene;ted rom his taste, !earnin" to
reco"ni'e ;ne ood and ;ne wine. I disco$ered I had a #nac# or !an"ua"es. I was
+e"innin" to spea# +its o Spanish, Ita!ian, and French, and I cou!d e$en !imp
around in 0utch i I had to. I window<shopped throu"h Mi!an, where I !earned what
a rea!!y handsome suit !oo#ed !i#e. One aternoon I
wa!#ed into the 0uomo, and in that instant a!! o my ideas a+out art chan"ed
ore$er. I was o$erwhe!med +y the co!or and proportion o it, +y the "ray sti!!ness
in the archways, the warm parchment "!ow o the cand!es and the soarin" stained
"!ass, the e!o=uence o the scu!ptures. %s the summer approached, I was "rowin"
up. On the +i#e, thin"s +e"an to come to"ether and my ridin" steadied. >It.s a!!
happenin",> Och said. %nd it was. %n %merican race sponsor, Thrit 0ru"s, put up
a JC mi!!ion +onus or anyone who cou!d win the Trip!e *rown o *yc!in", a sweep
o three presti"ious races in the 5.S. I ;8ated on it. 3ach race was di-erent: to "et
the +onus you.d ha$e to win a tou"h one<day race in 4itts+ur"h, then a si8<day
sta"e race in ,est 2ir"inia, and ;na!!y the 5.S. 4ro *hampionships, which was a
one<day road race co$erin" C:F mi!es throu"h 4hi!ade!phia. It was a !on" shot, the
promoters #new. On!y a comp!ete rider cou!d win it: you.d ha$e to +e a sprinter, a
c!im+er, and a sta"e racer ro!!ed into one, and most important, you.d ha$e to +e
thorou"h!y consistent1somethin" I hadn.t yet +een. %!! the riders ta!#ed a+out
winnin" the +onus, and in the ne8t +reath we.d ta!# a+out how impossi+!e it was.
But one ni"ht when I was on the phone with my mother she as#ed me, >,hat are
the odds o winnin" that thin"G> I said, >)ood.> By &une I had won the ;rst two
!e"s, and the press was "oin" cra'y and the promoters were ree!in". %!! that
remained was the 5.S. 4ro *hampionships in 4hi!!y1+ut I wou!d ha$e CCE other
cyc!ists tryin" to stop me. The anticipation was hu"eA an estimated ha! a mi!!ion
peop!e wou!d !ine the route. The day +eore the race I ca!!ed my mother and
as#ed her to 7y up to 4hi!ade!phia. On such short notice, she.d ha$e to pay a!most
JC,DDD round<trip, +ut she decided it was !i#e +uyin" a !ottery tic#et1i she didn.t
come, and I won, she.d a!ways re"ret not +ein" there. I was reso!$ed to ride a
smart race, no irrationa! head;rst char"es. #hink the race through, I to!d myse!.
For most o the day, that.s what I did. Then, with a+out BD mi!es !et, I went. I
attac#ed on the most notorious!y steep part o the course1Manayun#1and as I
did, I was a!most in a ra"e. I don.t #now what happened1a!! I #now is that I
!eaped out o the seat and hammered down on the peda!s, and as I did so I
screamed or ;$e u!! seconds. I opened up a hu"e "ap on the ;e!d. By the
second<to<!ast !ap, I had enou"h o a !ead to +!ow my mother a #iss. I crossed the
;nish !ine with the +i""est winnin" mar"in in race history. I dismounted in a
swarm o reporters, +ut I +ro#e away rom them and went strai"ht to my mom,
and we put our aces in each other.s shou!der and cried. That was the start o a
dream!i#e summer season. /e8t, I won a surprise $ictory in a sta"e o the Tour de
France with another !ate char"e: at the end o a CC?<mi!e ride rom *ha!ons<sur<
Marne to 2erdun, I near!y crashed into the race +arriers as I sprinted away rom
the pac# o$er the !ast :D yards to the ;nish. % Tour sta"e was considered an
e8treme!y $a!ua+!e $ictory in its own ri"ht, and at BC,C was the youn"est man
e$er to win one. But to show you @ust how e8perienced you ha$e to +e to compete
in the Tour, I had to pu!! out o the race a coup!e o days !ater, incapa+!e o
continuin". I a+andoned ater the CBth sta"e, in E9th p!ace and shi$erin". The
%!ps "ot meA they were >too !on" and too co!d,> I to!d reporters aterward. I e!! so
ar +ehind that when I "ot to the ;nish !ine, the team car had a!ready !et or the
hote!. I had to wa!# +ac# to our rooms, pushin" my +i#e up a "ra$e! trai!. >%s i the
sta"e wasn.t enou"h, we ha$e to c!im+ this thin",> I to!d the press. I wasn.t
physica!!y mature enou"h yet to ride the arduous mountain sta"es. I sti!!
stru""!ed with impatience at times. I wou!d ride smart or a whi!e, and then
+ac#s!ide. I @ust cou!dn.t seem to "et it throu"h my head that in order to win I had
to ride more s!ow!y at ;rst. It too# some time to reconci!e myse! to the notion
that +ein" patient was di-erent rom +ein" wea#, and that racin" strate"ica!!y
didn.t mean "i$in" !ess than a!! I had. ,ith on!y a wee# to "o +eore the ,or!d
*hampionships, I made a typica! +!under in the championship o Qurich and used
myse! up +eore the critica! part o the race. %"ain, I didn.t e$en ;nish in the Top
BD. Och cou!d ha$e !ost his temper with meA instead he stayed o$er in Qurich or
the ne8t two days and went ridin" with me. He was certain I cou!d win at the
,or!ds in Os!o1+ut on!y i I rode inte!!i"ent!y. %s we trained to"ether he chatted
to me a+out se!<contro!.
>The on!y thin" you ha$e to do is wait,> he said. >&ust wait. Two or three !aps is
soon enou"h. %nythin" ear!ier and you.!! waste your chance to win. But ater that,
you can attac# as many times as you want.> There were no ordinary cyc!ists in the
,or!d *hampionships. I wou!d +e acin" +i" riders, at their pea#, and the a$orite
was Mi"ue! Indurain, who had @ust come o- o his third $ictory in the Tour de
France. I I wanted to win I.d ha$e to o$ercome some !on" historica! oddsA no BC<
year<o!d had e$er won a wor!d tit!e in cyc!in". In the !ast ew days !eadin" up to
the race, I ca!!ed my mother a"ain, and as#ed her to come o$er and stay with me.
I didn.t want to "o throu"h it a!one, and she had a!ways +een a source o
con;dence or me. %!so, I wanted her to see me race in that company. She too#
some $acation time rom 3ricsson and 7ew o$er to @oin me, and stayed with me in
my hote! room. She too# care o me, the way she used to. She did my !aundry in
the sin#, saw that I had what I wanted to eat, answered the phone, and made sure
I "ot my rest. I didn.t ha$e to ta!# cyc!in" with her, or e8p!ain how I e!t1she @ust
understood. The c!oser we "ot to that day, the =uieter I "rew. I shut down,
p!annin" the race in my mind. She @ust read +y a sma!! !amp whi!e I stared at the
cei!in" or napped. Fina!!y race day arri$ed1+ut when I awo#e, it was rainin". I
opened my eyes and saw drops on the windowpanes. The hated, dreaded rain, the
source o so much an"uish and em+arrassment in San Se+astian. It rained
torrentia!!y, a!! day !on". But there was one person who su-ered in the rain more
than I did that day: my mother. She sat in a "randstand in the rain or se$en
hours, and ne$er once "ot up. There was a +i" screen mounted in ront o the
"randstand so the crowd cou!d watch us out on the CI.?<#i!ometer course, and
she sat there, drenched, watchin" riders crash a!! o$er the course. ,hen it rains in
3urope the roads +ecome co$ered with a s!ic# sort o residue, made o dust and
petro!. )uys were thrown o- their +i#es ri"ht and !e
C
>, their whee!s s!idin" out
rom under them. I crashed, too, twice. But each time I reco$ered =uic#!y, "ot
+ac# on the +i#e, and re@oined the race, sti!! in contention. Throu"h it a!!, I waited,
and waited. I he!d +ac#, @ust as Och had to!d me to. ,ith C? !aps to "o, I was in
the !ead "roup1and ri"ht there was Indurain, the +ra$ura rider rom Spain.
Fina!!y, on the second<to<!ast c!im+, I attac#ed. I char"ed up the hi!! and reached
the pea# with my whee! in ront o the pac#. I hurt!ed down the descent, and then
soared ri"ht into another c!im+, a steep ascent ca!!ed the 3#e+er", with the other
riders ri"ht on my +ac#. I said to myse!, >I.$e "ot to "o ri"ht now, with e$erythin"
I.$e e$er "one with,> and I rose rom the seat and attac#ed a"ain, and this time I
opened up a "ap. On the other side o the 3#e+er" was another !on", dan"erous
descent, this one o our #i!ometers, and in the rain anythin" cou!d happenA the
whee!s cou!d disappear out rom under you as the entire road +ecame a s!ic#. But
I too# the turns hard and ti"ht, and at the +ottom, I "!anced o$er my shou!der to
see who was sti!! with me. /o one. I panic#ed. 5ou made the same old mistake, I
thou"ht, desperate!y, you went too early. I must ha$e or"otten what !ap it was.
Sure!y there was sti!! a !ap to "o, +ecause a !ead !i#e this was too "ood to +e true.
I "!anced down and chec#ed my computer. It was the !ast !ap. I was "oin" to win.
O$er the !ast 9DD meters, I started ce!e+ratin". I pumped my ;sts and my arms in
the air, I +!ew #isses, and I +owed to the crowd. %s I crossed the ;nish !ine, I
practica!!y hi"h<#ic#ed !i#e a Roc#ette. Fina!!y, I +ra#ed and dismounted, and in
the crowds o peop!e, the ;rst thin" I did was !oo# or my mother. I ound her, and
we stood there in the rain, hu""in". I said, >,e did itP ,e did it.> ,e +oth +e"an
to cry. %t some point in a!! o the post<race conusion and ce!e+ration and
ceremony, a roya! escort arri$ed to inorm me that Kin" Hara!d o /orway wanted
to "reet me. I nodded and said, >*ome on, Mom. Let.s "o meet the #in".> She
said, >,e!!, o#ay.> ,e +e"an to mo$e throu"h the security chec#points. Fina!!y, we
approached a door, +ehind which the #in" was waitin" to "i$e me a pri$ate
audience. % security "uard stopped us. >She.!! ha$e to stop here,> the roya!
escort to!d us. >The #in" wi!! "reet you a!one.> >I don.t chec# my mother at the
door,> I said. I "ra++ed her arm and turned around to !ea$e. >*ome on, !et.s "o,> I
said. I had no intention o "oin" anywhere without her. The escort re!ented. >%!!
ri"ht. 4!ease, come with me.> %nd we met the #in", who was a $ery nice man. Our
audience was $ery short, and po!ite, and then we went +ac# to ce!e+ratin". It
seemed !i#e the end o somethin" or my mother and me, a ;nish !ine. The tou"h
part o the ;"ht was o$erA there wou!d +e no more naysayers te!!in" us we
wou!dn.t amount to anythin", no more concerns a+out +i!!s or scra++!in" or
e=uipment and p!ane tic#ets. May+e it was the end o the !on", hard c!im+ o
chi!dhood. %LTHO5)H I ,%S % ,ORL0 *H%M4IO/, I STILL H%0 p!enty o !earnin"
to do, and the ne8t three years were a process o testin" and re;nement. I had
other successes, +ut !ie rom now on wou!d +e a matter o incrementa!
impro$ements, o see#in" the tiniest mar"in that mi"ht separate me rom the
other e!ite riders. There was a science to winnin". The spectator rare!y sees the
technica! side o cyc!in", +ut +ehind the "or"eous rain+ow +!ur o the pe!oton is
the more +orin" rea!ity that road racin" is a careu!!y ca!i+rated thin", and oten a
race is won +y a mere raction o acce!eration that was "enerated in a
perormance !a+ or a wind tunne! or a $e!odrome !on" +eore the race e$er
started. *yc!ists are computer s!a$esA we ho$er o$er precise ca!cu!ations o
cadence, eHciency, orce, and watta"e. I was constant!y sittin" on a stationary
+i#e with e!ectrodes a!! o$er my +ody, !oo#in" or di-erent positions on the +i#e
that mi"ht "ain mere seconds, or a piece o e=uipment that mi"ht +e a !itt!e +it
more aerodynamic. &ust a ew wee#s ater winnin" the ,or!ds, I went into a
perormance !a+ at the O!ympic Trainin" *enter in *o!orado Sprin"s with *hris
*armichae!. 0espite my +i" year I sti!! had some critica! wea#nesses, and I spent
se$era! days in the !a+, p!astered with e!ectrodes whi!e doctors @a++ed me with
pins or +!ood tests. The idea was to determine my $arious thresho!ds and
+rea#in" points, and thus to ;"ure out how I cou!d increase my eHciency on the
+i#e. They !oo#ed at my heart rate, my 2Oma8, and in one day a!one, they pric#ed
my thum+ C: times to chec# my +!ood. ,e wanted to determine what my
ma8imum e-ort was, and how !on" I cou!d sustain it. ,e set out to !earn my
optimum cadence: what was my most eHcient peda! speed, and where were the
wea#nesses in my peda!in" techni=ue, the dead spots where I was wastin"
ener"yG My stro#e was a symmetrica! s!ed"ehammer, strai"ht up and down, and I
was e8pendin" too much wor# without "ettin" enou"h speed rom it. ,e went into
a $e!odrome to !oo# at my position on the +i#e and determine where I was !osin"
power. The idea in cyc!in" is to "enerate the most speed with the !east amount o
wor#A watts indicate the amount o wor# you are doin" as you peda!. ,e shited
me !ower on the +i#e, and there was an immediate impro$ement. %t a+out the
same time, I met the !e"endary Be!"ian rider 3ddy Merc#8, ;$e<time winner o the
Tour de France, and one o the most erocious!y attac#in" riders who.s e$er !i$ed. I
had heard a!! the stories a+out Merc#8, what a +ra$e, hard<char"in" rider he was,
and I thou"ht that was the #ind o rider I wanted to +e. I didn.t @ust want to win, I
wanted to win a certain way. ,e +ecame riends. 3ddy to!d me that I cou!d win a
Tour de France someday1+ut that I needed to !ose wei"ht. I was +ui!t !i#e a
!ine+ac#er, with a thic# nec# and s!a+s o musc!e in my chest, remnants o my
career as a swimmer and triath<!ete. 3ddy e8p!ained that it was hard to hau! a!! o
that wei"ht up and down mountains o$er three wee#s. I was sti!! racin" part!y on
raw powerA to win a Tour de France, I wou!d ha$e to ;nd a way to !ose wei"ht
without !osin" stren"th. So I =uit eatin" pastry, and !aid o- Te8<Me8, and
understood that I wou!d ha$e to ;nd a new #ind o stren"th, that inner stren"th
ca!!ed se!<discip!ine.
B
By CEE:, I sti!! had not comp!eted an entire Tour de France, on!y portions. My
coaches didn.t thin# I was ready, and they were ri"htA I had neither the +ody nor
the menta! tou"hness yet to endure the hardship. % youn" rider has to +e
careu!!y wa!#ed throu"h the process and de$e!oped o$er years unti! he is ready
to
;nish the race, and ;nish it hea!thy. I was steadi!y impro$in": in .E? I was second
in Lie"e<Basto"ne<Lie"e, second in San Se+astian, and second in the Tour 0u 4ont,
and in the ;rst part o .E: I won San Se+astian and won the Tour 0u 4ont. But now
Och e!t I needed to mo$e to another !e$e!, I needed to 3nish the Tour de France,
not @ust start it. It was time or me to !earn e8act!y what it too# to win the +i""est
sta"e race in the wor!d. My reputation was as a sin"!e<day racer: show me the
start !ine and I wou!d win on adrena!ine and an"er, choppin" o- my competitors
one +y one. I cou!d push myse! to a thresho!d o pain no one e!se was wi!!in" to
match, and I wou!d +ite some+ody.s head o- to win a race. But the Tour was
another thin" entire!y. I you raced that way in the Tour, you wou!d ha$e to drop
out ater two days. It re=uired a !on"er $iew. The Tour was a matter o musterin"
the ri"ht resources at the ri"ht times, o patient!y eedin" out your stren"th at the
necessary !e$e!, with no wasted motion or ener"y. It was a matter o continuin" to
ride and ride, no matter how uninspired you e!t, when there was no rush o
adrena!ine !et to push you. I there is a de;nin" characteristic o a man as
opposed to a +oy, may+e it.s patience. In CEE:,C ;na!!y "ained an understandin"
o the demandin" nature o the Tour and a!! o its e8traordinary tests and dan"ers.
I ;nished it, and I ;nished stron", winnin" a sta"e in the c!osin" days. But the
#now!ed"e came at too hi"h a price, and I wou!d @ust as soon not ha$e !earned it
the way I did. Late in the race, our Motoro!a teammate, Fa+io *asarte!!i, the CEEB
O!ympic champion, was #i!!ed on a hi"h<speed descent. On a descent, you ride
sin"!e ;!e, and i one rider "oes down, it can cause a terri+!e chain reaction. Fa+io
didn.t crash a!oneA BD riders went down with him. But he hit a cur+ with the +ac#
o his head and ractured his nec# and s#u!!. I went +y too ast to see much. % !ot
o riders were down, and e$ery+ody was crouched around someone !yin" on the
"round, +ut you see that sort o thin" a !ot in the Tour. It was on!y a whi!e !ater
that I !earned $ia the team radio what had happened: Fa+io was dead. ,hen they
te!! you somethin" !i#e that, you a!most don.t +e!ie$e it. It was one o the !on"est
days o my !ie. Fa+io was not on!y the youn" hope o Ita!ian cyc!in", he was a new
hus+and and a new ather. His +a+y was @ust a month o!d. ,e had to #eep ridin",
to ;nish the sta"e e$en thou"h we were distrau"ht and sic# with shoc#. I had
#nown Fa+io since I ;rst started racin" internationa!!y in .EC. He !i$ed ri"ht outside
o *omo where I #ept my apartment, and we had competed a"ainst each other at
the Barce!ona O!ympics in .EB, when he won the "o!d meda!. He was a $ery
re!a8ed, un<!o$in" man, a !itt!e "ooy, a @o#er. Some o the top Ita!ians were more
serious, or macho, +ut Fa+io wasn.t !i#e that. He was a!! sweetness. That ni"ht we
had a Motoro!a team meetin" to discuss whether we shou!d #eep ridin" or not. ,e
were sp!it. Ha! o us wanted to =uit and "o home and cry with our ami!ies and
riends, and ha! o us wanted to #eep ridin" in honor o Fa+io. 4ersona!!y, I wanted
to stopA I simp!y didn.t thin# I had the heart to ride a +i#e. It was the ;rst time I
had encountered death, and "enuine "rie, and I didn.t #now how to hand!e it. But
then Fa+io.s wie came to see us, and she said she wanted us to #eep ridin",
+ecause she e!t that was what Fa+io wou!d ha$e wanted. So we sat in the "rass
+ehind the hote!, said a ew prayers, and decided to stay in. The ne8t day the
pe!oton rode in honor o Fa+io, and "a$e our team a ceremonia! sta"e $ictory. It
was another !on", terri+!e day1 ei"ht hours on the +i#e, with e$ery+ody "rie$in".
The pe!oton did not race. Instead we rode in =uiet ormation. It was $irtua!!y a
unera! procession, and at !ast our team rode across the ;nish !ine, whi!e, +ehind
us, Fa+io.s +i#e was mounted atop the support car with a +!ac# ri++on. The
o!!owin" mornin" we +e"an the race a"ain in earnest, and rode into Bordeau8.
/e8t was a sta"e into Limo"es, and that ni"ht, Och came around to our rooms
and to!d the team that Fa+io had had two "oa!s in the Tour: he wanted to ;nish
the race, and he especia!!y wanted to try to win the sta"e into Limo"es. %s soon
as Och stopped spea#in" I #new that i Limo"es was the sta"e Fa+io had wanted
to win or himse!, now I wanted to win it or him, and that I was "oin" to ;nish the
race. %+out ha!way throu"h the ne8t day.s sta"e, I ound myse! "rouped with B:
"uys at the ront. Indurain was
in the ye!!ow !eader.s @ersey, ridin" at the +ac#. I did what came most natura!!y to
me: I attac#ed. The pro+!em was, I attac#ed too ear!y, as usua!. I went with B:
mi!es sti!! to "o, and on a downhi!! portion. Two thin"s you ne$er do: attac# ear!y,
and on a downhi!!. But I went so ast on that downhi!! that I had a MD<second !ead
in a ;n"er<snap. The other riders were comp!ete!y ta#en a+ac#. I cou!d ee! them
wonderin", What's he thinking$ ,hat was I thin#in"G I had !oo#ed +ac#, and saw
"uys were ridin" a!on", with no particu!ar am+ition. It was a hot day, and there
was no incenti$e to pu!! hard, e$eryone was @ust tryin" to "et c!oser to the ;nish
!ine where the tactics wou!d p!ay out. I "!anced +ac#, and one "uy was ta#in" a
sip o water. I "!anced +ac# a"ain. %nother "uy was ;8in" his hat. So I too# o-.
6eoooo. I was "one. ,hen you ha$e C: other "uys +ac# there rom C: di-erent
teams, they.!! ne$er "et or"ani'ed. They.!! !oo# at each other and say: 5ou pull.
*o, you pull7 So I went, and I went aster than I.d e$er ridden. It was a tactica!
punch in the ace, and it had nothin" to do with stren"th or a+i!ityA e$erythin"
depended on the initia! shoc# and separation. It was insane, +ut it wor#ed.
/o+ody "ot within :: seconds o me a"ain. The team support car #ept comin" up
and "i$in" me reports. Henny Kuiper, our team director, wou!d say, >6ou.re thirty
seconds up.> Then a ew minutes !ater he.d come a!on"side a"ain and say, >6ou.re
orty<;$e seconds up.> ,hen he came up the third or ourth time, I said, >Henny,
don.t come up here anymore. I.m not "ettin" cau"ht.> >O#ay, o#ay, o#ay,> he said,
and aded +ehind my whee!. I didn.t "et cau"ht. I won +y a minute, and I didn.t
ee! a moment.s pain. Instead I e!t somethin" spiritua!A I #now that I rode with a
hi"her purpose that day. 3$en thou"h I had char"ed too ear!y, I ne$er su-ered
ater I +ro#e away. I wou!d !i#e to thin# that was Fa+io.s e8perience tooA he simp!y
+ro#e away and separated rom the wor!d. There is no dou+t in my mind that
there were two riders on that +i#e. Fa+io was with me. I e!t an emotion at the
;nish !ine that I.$e ne$er e8perienced a"ain. I e!t I was winnin" or Fa+io and his
ami!y and his +a+y, and or the mournin" country o Ita!y. %s I came across the
!ine I "!anced upward and I pointed to the hea$ens, to Fa+io. %ter the Tour, Och
had a memoria! +ui!t or Fa+io. He commissioned a scu!ptor rom *omo to e8ecute
a wor# in white *arrara mar+!e. The team 7ew in rom a!! o$er the wor!d, and we
"athered at the top o the mountain or the p!acement o the memoria! and the
dedication ceremony. The memoria! had a sundia! on it that shone on three dates
and times: his +irthday, the day he won the O!ympic )ames, and the day he died.
I had !earned what it means to ride the Tour de France. It.s not a+out the +i#e. It.s
a metaphor or !ie, not on!y the !on"est race in the wor!d +ut a!so the most
e8a!tin" and heart+rea#in" and potentia!!y tra"ic. It poses e$ery concei$a+!e
e!ement to the rider, and more: co!d, heat, mountains, p!ains, ruts, 7at tires, hi"h
winds, unspea#a+!y +ad !uc#, unthin#a+!e +eauty, yawnin" sense!essness, and
a+o$e a!! a "reat, deep se!<=uestionin". 0urin" our !i$es we.re aced with so many
di-erent e!ements as we!!, we e8perience so many set+ac#s, and ;"ht such a
hand<to<hand +att!e with ai!ure, head down in the rain, @ust tryin" to stay upri"ht
and to ha$e a !itt!e hope. The Tour is not @ust a +i#e race, not at a!!. It is a test. It
tests you physica!!y, it tests you menta!!y, and it e$en tests you mora!!y. I
understood that now. There were no shortcuts, I rea!i'ed. It too# years o racin" to
+ui!d up the mind and +ody and character, unti! a rider had !o""ed hundreds o
races and thousands o mi!es o road. I wou!dn.t +e a+!e to win a Tour de France
unti! I had enou"h iron in my !e"s, and !un"s, and +rain, and heart. 5nti! I was a
man. Fa+io had +een a man. I was sti!! tryin" to "et there.
four
B%0 TO ,ORS3 I THO5)HT I K/3, ,H%T F3%R ,%S, 5/TIL I
heard the words 5ou ha&e cancer. Rea! ear came with an unmista#a+!e sensation:
it was as thou"h a!! my +!ood started 7owin" in the wron" direction. My pre$ious
ears, ear o not +ein" !i#ed, ear o +ein" !au"hed at, ear o !osin" my money,
sudden!y seemed !i#e sma!! cowardices. 3$erythin" now stac#ed up di-erent!y:
the an8ieties o !ie1 a 7at tire, !osin" my career, a traHc @am1were reprioriti'ed
into need $ersus want, rea! pro+!em as opposed to minor scare. % +umpy p!ane
ride was @ust a +umpy p!ane ride, it wasn.t cancer. One de;nition o >human> is as
o!!ows: characteristic of people as opposed to "od or animals or machines,
especially susceptible to weakness, and therefore showing the 2ualities of man.
%th!etes don.t tend to thin# o themse!$es in these termsA they.re too +usy
cu!ti$atin" the aura o in$inci+i!ity to admit to +ein" earu!, wea#, deense!ess,
$u!nera+!e, or a!!i+!e, and or that reason neither are they especia!!y #ind,
considerate, merciu!, +eni"n, !enient, or or"i$in", to themse!$es or anyone
around them. But as I sat in my house a!one that ;rst ni"ht, it was hum+!in" to +e
so scared. More than that, it was humani'in". I wasn.t stron" enou"h to +rea# it to
my mother that I was sic#. /ot !on" ater I arri$ed home rom 0r. Ree$es. oHce,
Ric# 4ar#er came o$er +ecause he didn.t thin# I shou!d +e a!one. I to!d Ric# that I
simp!y cou!dn.t +ear to ca!! my mother with the news. >I don.t want to te!! her,> I
said. Ric# o-ered to do it or me, and I accepted. There was no "ent!e way to say
it. She had @ust "otten home rom wor# and was sittin" outside in her "arden,
readin" the paper, when the ca!! came. Ric# said, >Linda, Lance is "oin" to need
to ta!# to you a+out this himse!, +ut I @ust want to !et you #now what.s "oin" on.
He.s +een dia"nosed with testicu!ar cancer, and he.s ha$in" sur"ery tomorrow at
9 %.M.> My mother said, >/o. How can this +eG> Ric# said, >I.m sorry, +ut I thin#
you need to come down here toni"ht.> My mother +e"an to cry, and Ric# tried to
comort her, +ut he a!so wanted her to "et on a shutt!e to %ustin as =uic#!y as
possi+!e. My mother chan"ed "ears. >O#ay,> she said. >O#ay, I.!! +e ri"ht there.>
She hun" up without e$en spea#in" with me, and immediate!y threw whate$er
she cou!d thin# o into a sma!! +a" and raced to the airport. %ter Ric# hun" up
rom ta!#in" with my mother, I +ro#e down a"ain. Ric# ca!m!y ta!#ed me throu"h
it. >It.s natura! or you to cry,> he said. >It.s e$en "ood or you. Lance, this is
cura+!e. It.s a speed +ump. ,e need to "et on with whippin" this thin".>
Shored up, I went into my study and I +e"an to ma#e ca!!s to the other peop!e I
e!t I needed to te!! immediate!y. I ca!!ed my riend and Motoro!a teammate Ke$in
Li$in"ston, who was in 3urope racin". Ke$in was !i#e a youn"er +rother to meA we
were so c!ose that we had p!ans to "et an apartment to"ether in 3urope the
o!!owin" season, and I had persuaded him to mo$e to %ustin to train with me.
,hen I reached him in Ita!y, I sti!! e!t spaced out. >I ha$e somethin" to te!! you1
somethin" +ad has happened.> >,hatG 0id somethin" "o wron" with a raceG> >I
ha$e cancer.> I wanted to te!! Ke$in how I e!t and how ur"ent!y I wanted to see
him, +ut he was in an apartment with three other mem+ers o the 5.S. nationa!
team, and I didn.t want them to #now. So we had to ta!# in code. >6ou #now,> I
said. He rep!ied, >6eah. I #now.> %nd that was it, we "ot o- the phone. The $ery
ne8t day, he was on a p!ane or home. /e8t, I reached Bart Kna""s, perhaps my
o!dest and +est riend in %ustin, a ormer cyc!ist who was
wor#in" or a start<up computer<techno!o"y company. I ound him at his oHce,
where he was wor#in" !ate, !i#e a!ways. >Bart, I ha$e testicu!ar cancer,> I said.
Bart stammered, not sure what to say, and then he said, >Lance, they do wonders
with cancer now, and I thin# i you ha$e to "et it, that.s a "ood one to ha$e.> I
said, >I don.t #now. I.m sittin" here a!one in my house, man, and I.m rea!!y
scared.> Bart, typica!!y, entered a search command into his computer, and ca!!ed
up e$erythin" there was to #now a+out the disease. He sat there unti! !ate,
researchin" testicu!ar cancer, and printed out what he ound unti! he had a pi!e a
oot hi"h. He ca!!ed up c!inica! tria!s, studies, and treatment options, and
down!oaded it a!!. Then he "athered it up and dro$e o$er to my house. He had to
"o to Or!ando ear!y the o!!owin" mornin" with his ;ancee, Bar+ara, +ut he came
+y to te!! me he !o$ed me, and "a$e me a!! o the cancer materia!. One +y one,
my riends and ami!y +e"an to arri$e. Lisa came, ater I pa"ed herA she had +een
studyin" in the !i+rary and she was "!assy<eyed with shoc# at the news. /e8t, Bi!!
Stap!eton arri$ed with his wie, Laura. Bi!! was a youn" attorney or a ;rm in
%ustin, and I had chosen him to represent me +ecause he e8uded !oya!ty. He was
an am+!in" sort outward!y, +ut he was a competitor, too, a ormer O!ympic
swimmer rom the 5ni$ersity o Te8as who sti!! had the !oo# o an ath!ete. ,hen
he came in, I ;8ated on what I was sure was the !oss o my career. >I.m done
racin",> I said. >I won.t need an a"ent anymore.> >Lance, we @ust need to dea! with
this one step at a time,> Bi!! said. >6ou ha$e no idea what this means, or what.s
"oin" to happen.> >6ou don.t understand, Bi!!. I.m not "oin" to ha$e an a"ent
anymore. I.m not "oin" to ha$e any contracts.> >,e!!, I.m not here as an a"ent,
I.m here as your riend. How can I he!pG> It was one o those moments when
e$erythin" shited. I was o+sessin" o$er the act that I was "oin" to !ose my
career, when there were more important thin"s to attend to. >6ou can pic# up my
mother at the airport,> I said. Bi!! and Laura immediate!y "ot up rom the soa and
dro$e to the airport to "et my mother. I was @ust as "!ad not to meet her 7i"ht,
+ecause as soon as she saw Bi!!, she +ro#e down in tears a"ain. >This is my +a+y,>
she to!d Bi!! and Laura. >How cou!d this happenG ,hat are we "oin" to doG> But
durin" the dri$e to my house, my mother co!!ected herse!. She was +orn without
an ounce o se!<pity, and +y the time she reached my dri$eway she was stron"
a"ain. %s soon as she wa!#ed in the house, I met her in the center o the !i$in"
room and "a$e her a +ear hu". >,e.re "oin" to +e o#ay,> my mother said into my
ear. >This isn.t "oin" to "et us. ,e.$e had too many thin"s to dea! with. This is one
thin" that won.t happen. 0on.t e$en try this with me.> ,e +oth cried a !itt!e then,
+ut not or $ery !on", +ecause there was too much to discuss. I sat down with my
riends and my mother, and e8p!ained to them what the dia"nosis rom 0r. Ree$es
was. There were some issues to "o o$er and some decisions to +e made, and we
didn.t ha$e much time, +ecause I was schedu!ed or sur"ery at 9 %.M. I pu!!ed out
the K ray that I.d +rou"ht home rom 0r. Ree$es, and showed it to e$ery+ody. 6ou
cou!d see the tumors, !i#e white "o! +a!!s, 7oatin" in my !un"s. I was concerned
a+out #eepin" the i!!ness =uiet unti! I.d had time to te!! my sponsors and
teammates. ,hi!e I continued to ta!# to my mother, Bi!! ca!!ed the hospita! and
as#ed that my dia"nosis +e #ept con;dentia! and that I +e chec#ed in under an
assumed name. %!so, we had to te!! my sponsors, /i#e, )iro, Oa#!ey, and Mi!ton<
Brad!ey, as we!! as the *o;dis or"ani'ation, and it wou!d +e necessary to ho!d a
press conerence. But ;rst and oremost I had to te!! the peop!e who were c!osest
to me, riends !i#e Och, and *hris, and my teammates, and most o them were
scattered o$erseas and diHcu!t to reach. 3$eryone reacted di-erent!y to the
newsA some peop!e stuttered, and some tried to reassure me, +ut what a!! o my
riends had in common was their ur"e to come to %ustin as =uic#!y as possi+!e.
Och was at home in ,isconsin ha$in" dinner when I reached him, and his reaction
was, in retrospect, pure him. >%re you sittin" downG> I as#ed. >,hat.s "oin" onG>
>I.$e "ot cancer.> >O#ay. ,hat does that meanG> >It means I.$e "ot testicu!ar
cancer and I.m ha$in" sur"ery tomorrow.>
>%!! ri"ht, !et me thin# a+out this,> Och said, ca!m!y. >I.!! see you tomorrow.>
Fina!!y, it was time to "o to +ed. The unny thin" was, I s!ept deep!y that ni"ht. I
went into a state o a+so!ute!y perect rest, as i I was "ettin" ready or a +i"
competition. I I had a tou"h race in ront o me I a!ways made sure to "et the
optimum amount o s!eep, and this was no di-erent, I suppose. On some
unconscious !e$e!, I wanted to +e in a+so!ute!y pea# orm or what I wou!d +e
aced with in the comin" days. The ne8t mornin", I reported to the hospita! at :. I
dro$e myse! there, with my mother in the passen"er seat, and I wa!#ed throu"h
the entrance in a +a""y sweatsuit to +e"in !ie as a cancer patient. First came a
series o +asic tests, thin"s !i#e MRIs and +!ood wor#. I had a aint hope that the
doctors wou!d do a!! their tests and te!! me they had +een wron", that my i!!ness
wasn.t that serious. But those words didn.t come. I had ne$er stayed o$erni"ht in
a hospita!, and I didn.t #now a+out thin"s !i#e re"istration, so I hadn.t e$en
+rou"ht my wa!!et. I "uess I was a!ways too +usy throwin" away my crutches and
ta#in" out my own stitches. I !oo#ed at my mother1and she immediate!y
$o!unteered to ta#e care o the paperwor#. ,hi!e I was ha$in" +!ood tests done,
she ;!!ed out the stac# o orms the hospita! re=uired. I was in sur"ery and
reco$ery or a+out three hours. It seemed !i#e an eternity to my mother, who sat
in my hospita! room with Bi!! Sta<p!eton and waited or me to come +ac#. 0r.
Ree$es came +y and to!d her that it had "one we!!, they had remo$ed the tumor
with no pro+!em. Then Och arri$ed. True to his word, he had "otten on an ear!y<
mornin" p!ane or %ustin. ,hi!e I was sti!! in sur"ery, my mom ;!!ed Och in on
what was happenin". She said she was determined that I was "oin" to +e o#ay, as
i the sheer orce o her wi!! cou!d ma#e thin"s a!! ri"ht. Fina!!y, they whee!ed me
+ac# to my room. I was sti!! o""y rom the anesthesia, +ut I was a!ert enou"h to
ta!# to Och as he !eaned o$er my +ed. >I.m "oin" to +eat this thin", whate$er it
is,> I said. The hospita! #ept me o$erni"ht, and my mother stayed with me,
s!eepin" on a sma!! soa. /either o us rested we!!. The atermath o the sur"ery
was $ery painu!1the incision was !on" and deep and in a tender p!ace, and e$ery
time my mother heard my sheets rust!e, she wou!d @ump up and come to my
+edside to ma#e sure I was a!! ri"ht. I was hoo#ed up to an I2, and when I had to
"o to the +athroom she he!ped me out o +ed and whee!ed the po!e or me whi!e I
!imped across the room, and then she he!ped me +ac# to +ed. The hospita! +ed
had a p!astic co$er o$er the mattress, and it made me sweatA I wo#e up e$ery
coup!e o hours to ;nd the sheets under my +ac# were soa#in" wet, +ut she wou!d
dry me o-. The ne8t mornin", 0r. 6ouman came in to "i$e me the initia! resu!ts o
the patho!o"y reports and +!ood wor#. I was sti!! c!in"in" to my notion that
somehow the cancer mi"ht not +e as +ad as we.d thou"ht, unti! 0r. 6ouman +e"an
to tic# o- the num+ers. He said it appeared rom the +iopsy and the +!ood tests
that the cancer was spreadin" rapid!y. It was typica! o testicu!ar cancer to mo$e
up the +!ood !ine into the !ymph "!ands, and they had disco$ered some in my
a+domen. In the B? hours since I.d ;rst +een dia"nosed, I.d done as much
homewor# as I cou!d. I #new onco!o"ists +ro#e testicu!ar cancer down into three
sta"es: in sta"e one, the cancer was con;ned to the testic!es and patients had
e8ce!!ent pro"nosesA in sta"e two, the cancer had mo$ed into the a+domina!
!ymph nodesA and in sta"e three, it had spread to $ita! or"ans, such as the !un"s.
The tests showed that I was sta"e three, with three di-erent cancers in my +ody,
the most ma!i"nant o which was choriocarcinoma, a $ery a""ressi$e, +!ood<+orne
type that was diHcu!t to arrest. My chemo treatments wou!d +e"in in a wee#, $ia
a )ros@ean catheter imp!anted in my chest, and they wou!d !ast or three months.
I wou!d re=uire so many +!ood tests and intra$enous dru"s that it was impractica!
to use standard indi$idua! I2 need!es, so the )ros@ean catheter was una$oida+!e.
It was ri"htenin" to !oo# at, +u!"in" under my s#in, and the openin" in my chest
seemed unnatura!, a!most !i#e a "i!!. There was another piece o +usiness to
discuss: I wou!d +e at !east temporari!y steri!e. My ;rst round o
chemotherapy was schedu!ed or the o!!owin" wee#, and 6ouman ad$ised me to
+an# as much sperm as possi+!e +eore then. It was the ;rst time the su+@ect o
steri!ity had come up, and I was ta#en a+ac#. 6ouman e8p!ained that some
chemotherapy patients reco$ered their $iri!ity, and some did notA studies showed
a+out a :D<percent return to norma!cy ater a year. There was a sperm +an# two
hours away in San %ntonio, and 6ouman recommended I "o there. That ni"ht,
+eore we came home rom the hospita!, my mother went +y the onco!o"y unit
and pic#ed up a!! the supp!ies or my catheter, and my prescriptions or anti<
nausea medications, and more !iterature on testicu!ar cancer. I you.$e ne$er +een
to an onco!o"y unit, !et me te!! you1it can +e unsett!in". She saw peop!e wrapped
in +!an#ets, with no hair, hoo#ed up e$ery which way to I2s, !oo#in" pa!e and
death!y sic#. My mother "a'ed around the unit as she waited or the supp!ies.
,hen they came, she pi!ed it a!! into a !ar"e can$as +a" that +ecame our
tra$e!in" cancer #it, and made her way +ac# to my room. She said, >Son, I @ust
want to !et you #now that when you "o or your treatment, it.s not a p!easant
si"ht. But I want you to #eep one thin" in mind. They.re a!! there or the same
reason you are: to "et we!!.> %nd then she too# me home. O/ S%T5R0%6
MOR/I/) I ROS3 3%RL6 %/0 ,3/T I/TO the +athroom and !oo#ed in the mirror1
and I sti7ed a scream. My catheter had a hu"e +!ood c!ot in it and my chest was
swo!!en and ca#ed with +!ood. I went +ac# into the +edroom and showed Lisa, who
stared at it, mute with horror. I ye!!ed or my mother. >Mom, cou!d you come in
hereP> I said. My mother came racin" into my room and e8amined the catheter.
She didn.t panicA she @ust "ot a washc!oth and ca!m!y c!eaned it out, and ca!!ed
the hospita!. % nurse e8p!ained to her that it wasn.t uncommon or catheters to
c!ot, and went throu"h a procedure with her or how to pre$ent it rom +ein"
inected. But it sti!! !oo#ed awu!. My mother hun" up and ran to the store, and
when she came +ac# she had a +o8 o Band<%ids that "!owed in the dar#. She put
one on the catheter, and that "ot Lisa and me to !au"h. /e8t, she reached 0r.
6ouman on the phone. She said, >This catheter is not !oo#in" "ood. I.$e tried to
c!ean it as much as I can, +ut may+e we shou!d ha$e it ta#en out.> 0r. 6ouman
said, >,e!!, don.t do anythin" yet, +ecause I.$e decided Lance needs to mo$e up
his ;rst chemotherapy treatment. He starts Monday at one o.c!oc#.> >,hyG> my
mother as#ed. I too# the phone. 0r. 6ouman e8p!ained that more resu!ts had come
in rom the patho!o"y reports and +!ood wor#, and they were worrisome. In a mere
B? hours, the cancer had pro"ressed. Onco!o"ists use somethin" ca!!ed +!ood
mar#ers to trac# the pro"ress o the disease: the !e$e!s o $arious proteins in your
+!ood such as human chorionic "onadotropin NH*)O and a!pha<etoprotein N%F4O
indicate how much cancer is in the +ody. My +!ood counts had risen, in a day. The
cancer was not @ust spreadin", it was "a!!opin", and 6ouman no !on"er thou"ht I
cou!d a-ord to wait a wee# or chemo. I shou!d +e"in treatment direct!y, +ecause
i the cancer was mo$in" that =uic#!y, e$ery day mi"ht count. I hun" up the
phone, dispirited. But there was no time to +roodA I wou!d ha$e one chance and
one chance on!y to "o to the sperm +an# in San %ntonio: that $ery aternoon.
>This is pathetic,> I said to my mother, dis"usted!y. The ride to San %ntonio was
"rim. The on!y thin" that re!ie$ed the tension was that Ke$in Li$in"ston had come
home, and he made the trip with me or mora! support. I was "!ad to see himA he
has an open ace and $i$id +!ue eyes under his cropped +!ac# hair, and he a!ways
!oo#s !i#e he.s on the $er"e o !au"hin". It was hard to +e in a +ad mood around
him. ,e "ot more he!p, too: a youn" man named *ord Shi7et, the son o my
architect and riend 0a$id Shi7et, o-ered to dri$e us. I sat in the +ac# seat si!ent!y
as the mi!es went +y, with one ner$ous thou"ht ater another runnin" throu"h my
mind. I wou!d ha$e on!y one chance to +an#. I mi"ht not +e a+!e to ha$e chi!dren.
I was "oin" to ha$e my ;rst chemo treatment. ,ou!d it ma#e me sic#G Fina!!y we
arri$ed at the medica! oHce in San %ntonio. *ord and Ke$in sat with my mother in
the waitin"
area whi!e a sta- nurse escorted me into a pri$ate room, and Ke$in mana"ed to
crac# a +ad @o#e, tryin" to +rea# the terri+!e mood. >Hey, Lance, you need a
ma"a'ineG> he said. I "rinned, wea#!y. I was shown into a room with a !oun"e
chair, a sort o rec!iner. The !i"htin" was dim, an attempt at am+iance, I "uessed.
On a sma!! ta+!e there was a stac# o, yes, ma"a'ines. 4orn, I saw, dis"usted. I
ho++!ed o$er to the chair, and si"hed hea$i!y, and near!y cried. I was in se$ere
painA the cut rom the sur"ery was ri"ht at the top o my "roin and met my
a+domen. I was depressed and a!!in" apart emotiona!!y rom the shoc# o the
dia"nosis, and now I was supposed to summon an erectionG There was no way. %s
I !ay in the chair, I thou"ht, #his isn't the way it was supposed to happen.
*oncei$in" a chi!d was supposed to +e wreathed in hope, not this sad, so!itary,
desperate procedure. I wanted to +e a ather1=uite +ad!y1+ut I had a!ways
assumed it wou!d happen when I was in !o$e. In my ear!y BDs, I.d "one throu"h
romantic re!ationships one ater the other. I.d date a woman or a whi!e, and then
+urn out ater @ust a ew months, and stray, and +rea# it o-. I dated a "ir! I.d "one
to hi"h schoo! with, I dated a mode! rom Ho!!and, +ut I was ne$er in a re!ationship
or more than a year. My teammates teasin"!y named me Fed38 or the speed
with which I chan"ed "ir!riends. The Fed38 s!o"an was >,hen you a+so!ute!y,
positi$e!y ha$e to ha$e it1o$erni"ht.> I wasn.t married, I had no ties, and it wasn.t
the deepest period o my !ie. ,ith Lisa Shie!s, thou"h, thin"s were di-erent. By
the time I was dia"nosed we were $ery c!ose. She was a +ri"ht and serious<
minded youn" woman who was a+sor+ed in her c!asses at Te8as, and the idea o
marria"e and #ids with her had certain!y occurred to me. I wasn.t sure we were
ri"ht or each other !on"<term, +ut I #new I wanted to +e a hus+and, and I #new,
too, that I wanted to +e a +etter ather than the ones I had encountered. I had no
choiceA I c!osed my eyes and I did what I had to do. Out in the waitin" room, my
mother and my two riends sat, si!ent!y. I !earned !ater that whi!e they were sittin"
there, my mother sudden!y turned to *ord and Ke$in and said to them, a!most
an"ri!y, >/ow, you +oys !isten to me. ,hen he comes out, I don.t want to hear one
word rom you. /ot one wordP> She #new. Somehow, she #new that this was one
o the most distressin" and utter!y cheer!ess e8periences o my !ie. ,hen it was
o$er, I came out and handed the $ia! to a doctor. *ord and Ke$in were =uiet. I
;!!ed out some papers, hasti!y, and to!d the nurses I wou!d send the rest o the
inormation in !ater. I @ust wanted to "et out o there. But as we were !ea$in", the
doctor came +ac# out. >It.s a $ery !ow count,> he said. The doctor e8p!ained that
my sperm count was on!y a+out a third o what it shou!d ha$e +eenA it seemed the
cancer had a!ready a-ected my reproducti$e capacity. /ow the chemo wou!d ta#e
its to!!, too. The dri$e on the way +ac# was e$en "rimmer than on the way down. I
don.t e$en remem+er i we ate. I ta!#ed to Ke$in and *ord a+out the ma"a'ines.
>*an you +e!ie$e they "i$e you that stu- to !oo# atG> I said. Ke$in and *ord were
"reatA they acted !i#e it was no +i" dea!, nothin" to +e em+arrassed a+out, @ust a
$ery sensi+!e errand, somethin" that had to +e done. I was appreciati$e, and I
too# my cue rom themA it was the !ast time I was se!<conscious a+out the nature
o my i!!ness.
I S43/T TH3 R3ST OF TH3 ,33K3/0 O/ TH3 *O5*H reco$erin" rom the sur"ery.
The anesthesia made me woo'y, and the incision was e8cruciatin". I rested and
watched oot+a!! whi!e my mother coo#ed or me, and we +oth read up on cancer,
e8hausti$e!y. >/o stone unturned,> my mother said. In +etween our readin"
sessions, we ta!#ed a+out what to do. >How are we "oin" to "et rid o this stu-G> I
as#ed her. ,e acted as i we cou!d somehow ormu!ate a p!an to +eat it, !i#e we
had trained in the o!d days. That ;rst wee# my mother pic#ed up a!! o my
prescriptions, co!!ated my medica! records, scoured +oo#stores or cancer
materia!, and or"ani'ed my schedu!e. She +ou"ht me a @ourna! to #eep notes in
and a $isitors. +oo# to #eep trac# o who came to see me. She wou!d schedu!e my
riends in sta""ered ashion, so that I wou!d ne$er ee! too a!one. ,e ca!!ed it the
>community ca!endar,> and I had re$o!$in" $isits, ne$er too many at one time, +ut
ne$er so ew as to !ea$e me time to "et !ow, either. She drew up a three<month
ca!endar to #eep trac# o my chemotherapy treatments, and made !ists o my
medications and at what time I shou!d ta#e each one. She ran my i!!ness as i it
was a pro@ect and she was
the pro@ect mana"er. She had co!ored penci!s, charts, and time!ines. To her,
or"ani'ation and #now!ed"e wou!d aci!itate a cure. She made an appointment
with a nutritionist. I !imped o- the couch and we dro$e o$er, and the nutritionist
"a$e us a "uide!ine or ;"htin" cancer and a !ist o oods compati+!e with the
chemotherapy dru"s: a !ot o ree<ran"e chic#en, +rocco!i, no cheeses or other
ats, and a !ot o $itamin * to he!p com+at the to8ins o chemo. Immediate!y, my
mother +e"an steamin" hu"e +ow!s o +rocco!i or me. But +eneath a!! o the
manic acti$ity, I cou!d te!! that my mother was stru""!in". ,hen she ta!#ed to
other mem+ers o our ami!y on the phone, I cou!d hear a tremor in her $oice, and
;na!!y she =uit ca!!in" them when I was around. She tried not to show me a!! that
she e!t, +ut I #new that at ni"ht she wou!d "o into her room and cry. On Monday
mornin", it was time to "o pu+!ic. I he!d a news conerence to announce that I was
i!! and wou!d not +e cyc!in". 3$eryone was there, Bi!!, Lisa, my mother, and
se$era! sponsors, and there was a conerence ca!! or reporters rom 3urope as
we!!. %!so on the phone were representati$es rom *o;dis, the French team I was
supposed to @oin in the upcomin" season. The room was ;!!ed with cameras, and I
had to de!i$er a prepared speech. There was an audi+!e murmur when I said the
word >cancer,> and I cou!d see the shoc# and the dis+e!ie on the aces o the
reporters and cameramen. % "ent!eman rom *o;dis chimed in on the phone:
they p!ed"ed their tota! support in he!pin" me "et throu"h the i!!ness and +ac# on
the +i#e. >I.m determined to ;"ht this disease,> I conc!uded. >%nd I wi!! win.> TH%T
%FT3R/OO/, I ,%LK30 I/TO 63T %/OTH3R /O/<descript +rown +ric# medica!
+ui!din" or my ;rst chemotherapy treatment. I was ta#en a+ac# +y how inorma!
it was: a simp!e waitin" room with some rec!iners and La<Q<Boys and assorted
chairs, a co-ee ta+!e, and a T2. It !oo#ed !i#e some+ody.s !i$in" room u!! o
"uests. It mi"ht ha$e +een a party, e8cept or the "i$eaway1e$ery+ody was
attached to his or her $ery own I2 drip. 0r. 6ouman e8p!ained that the standard
treatment protoco! or tes<ticu!ar cancer was ca!!ed B34, a coc#tai! o three
di-erent dru"s, +!eomycin, etoposide, and cisp!atin, and they were so to8ic that
the nurses wore radioacti$e protection when hand!in" them. The most important
in"redient o the three was cisp!atin, which is actua!!y p!atinum, and its use
a"ainst testicu!ar cancer had +een pioneered +y a man named 0r. Lawrence
3inhorn, who practiced at the Indiana 5ni$ersity medica! center in Indianapo!is.
4rior to 3inhorn s disco$ery, testicu!ar cancer was a!most a!ways ata!1B: years
ear!ier it had #i!!ed a *hica"o Bears oot+a!! star named Brian 4icco!o, amon"
many others. But the ;rst man who 3inhorn had treated with p!atinum, an
Indianapo!is schoo!teacher, was sti!! a!i$e. Had I !i$ed BD years a"o, I wou!d ha$e
+een dead in si8 months, 6ouman e8p!ained. Most peop!e thin# 4icco!o died o
!un" cancer, +ut it started as testicu!ar cancer, and they cou!dn.t sa$e him. He
died in CE9D at the a"e o BF. Since then, cisp!atin has +ecome the ma"ic +u!!et
or testicu!ar cancer, and 3inhorn.s ;rst patient, the Indianapo!is teacher, has
+een cancer<ree or o$er two decades1on his anni$ersaries they ha$e a +i" party
at his house, and 0r. 3inhorn and a!! his ormer nurses come to $isit him. I
thou"ht, ,ring it on,gi&e me platinum. But 6ouman warned that the treatment
cou!d ma#e me ee! $ery sic#. The three di-erent anticancer to8ins wou!d +e
!ea#ed into my system or ;$e hours at a time, o$er ;$e strai"ht days. They wou!d
ha$e a cumu!ati$e e-ect. %nti<emetics wou!d +e "i$en to me a!on" with the
to8ins, to pre$ent me rom su-erin" se$ere nausea, +ut they cou!dn.t cur+ it
entire!y. *hemo is so potent that you can.t ta#e it e$ery day. Instead it.s
administered in three<wee# cyc!esA I wou!d ta#e the treatment or one wee#, and
then ha$e two wee#s o- to a!!ow my +ody to reco$er and produce new red +!ood
ce!!s. 0r. 6ouman e8p!ained e$erythin" careu!!y, preparin" us or what we were
a+out to ace. ,hen he ;nished, I had @ust one =uestion. It was a =uestion I wou!d
as# repeated!y o$er the ne8t se$era! wee#s. >,hat.s the cure rate or thisG> I
as#ed. >,hat are my chancesG> 0r. 6ouman said, >Si8ty to si8ty<;$e percent.>
My ;rst chemo treatment was stran"e!y undramatic. For one thin", I didn.t ee!
sic#. I wa!#ed in and chose a chair in the corner, the !ast one a!on" a wa!! in a row
o si8 or se$en peop!e. My mother #issed me and went o- to do some errands,
and !et me with my e!!ow patients. I too# my p!ace amon" them. She had
prepared me to +e distur+ed +y my ;rst encounter with other cancer patients, +ut
I wasn.t. Instead, I e!t a sense o +e!on"in". I was re!ie$ed to +e a+!e to ta!# to
other peop!e who shared the i!!ness, and compare e8periences. By the time my
mother "ot +ac#, I was chattin" cheeru!!y with the "uy ne8t to me. He was a+out
my "randather.s a"e, +ut we hit it o-, and we were @a++erin" away when my
mother wa!#ed in. >Hey, Mom,> I said +ri"ht!y. >This is 4au!, and he.s "ot prostate
cancer.> I H%0 TO K334 MO2I/), I TOL0 M6S3LF. 323R6 mornin"in" durin" that
;rst wee# o chemo I rose ear!y, put on a pair o sweats and my headphones, and
wa!#ed. I wou!d stride up the road or an hour or more, +reathin" and wor#in" up
a sweat. 3$ery e$enin", I rode my +i#e. Bart Kna""s returned rom Or!ando with a
Mic#ey Mouse hat he had pic#ed up at 0isney ,or!d. He handed it to me and to!d
me he #new I wou!d need somethin" to wear when I !ost my hair. ,e wou!d "o
ridin" to"ether, and Ke$in Li$in"ston oten @oined us. Bart made hu"e maps or us,
as !ar"e as si8 eet in diameter. He wou!d "et maps o counties rom the
0epartment o Hi"hways and cut and paste them to"ether, and we wou!d stand
o$er them choosin" new routes or ourse!$es, !on" windin" rides out in the midd!e
o nowhere. The dea! was to a!ways ;nd a new road, somep!ace we hadn.t +een
+eore, instead o the same o!d out<and<+ac#. I cou!dn.t stand to ride the same
road twice. The trainin" can +e so monotonous that you need newness, e$en i
ha! the time you end up on a +ad piece o road, or "et !ost. It.s o#ay to "et !ost
sometimes. ,hy did I ride when I had cancerG *yc!in" is so hard, the su-erin" is
so intense, that it.s a+so!ute!y c!eansin". 6ou can "o out there with the wei"ht o
the wor!d on your shou!ders, and ater a si8<hour ride at a hi"h pain thresho!d, you
ee! at peace. The pain is so deep and stron" that a curtain descends o$er your
+rain. %t !east or a whi!e you ha$e a #ind o ha!! pass, and don.t ha$e to +rood on
your pro+!emsA you can shut e$erythin" e!se out, +ecause the e-ort and
su+se=uent ati"ue are a+so!ute. There is an unthin#in" simp!icity in somethin" so
hard, which is why there.s pro+a+!y some truth to the idea that a!! wor!d<c!ass
ath!etes are actua!!y runnin" away rom somethin". Once, someone as#ed me
what p!easure I too# in ridin" or so !on". >4!easureG> I said. >I don.t understand
the =uestion.> I didn.t do it or p!easure. I did it or pain. Beore the cancer, I had
ne$er e8amined the psycho!o"y o @umpin" on a +icyc!e and ridin" or si8 hours.
The reasons weren.t especia!!y tan"i+!e to meA a !ot o what we do doesn.t ma#e
sense to us whi!e we.re doin" it. I didn.t want to dissect it, +ecause that mi"ht !et
the "enie out o the +ott!e. But now I #new e8act!y why I was ridin": i I cou!d
continue to peda! a +i#e, somehow I wou!dn.t +e so sic#. The physica! pain o
cancer didn.t +other me so much, +ecause I was used to it. In act, i I didn.t
su-er, I.d ee! cheated. The more I thou"ht a+out it, the more cancer +e"an to
seem !i#e a race to me. On!y the destination had chan"ed. They shared "rue!in"
physica! aspects, as we!! as a dependence on time, and pro"ress reports e$ery
inter$a!, with chec#points and a s!a$ish re!iance on num+ers and +!ood tests. The
on!y di-erence was that I had to ocus +etter and harder than I e$er did on the
+i#e. ,ith this i!!ness, I cou!dn.t a-ord impatience or a !apse in concentrationA I
had to thin# a+out !i$in", @ust ma#in" it throu"h, e$ery sin"!e moment. The idea
was odd!y restorati$e: winnin" my !ie +ac# wou!d +e the +i""est $ictory. I was so
ocused on "ettin" +etter that durin" that ;rst round o chemotherapy, I didn.t
ee! anythin". /othin". I e$en said to 0r. 6ouman, >May+e you need to "i$e me
more.> I didn.t rea!i'e that I was e8treme!y !uc#y in how my +ody to!erated the
chemo. Beore it was o$er I wou!d meet other patients who had uncontro!!a+!e
$omitin" ater the ;rst cyc!e, and +y the end o my own treatments I wou!d
e8perience a nausea that no dru" cou!d "et a "rip on. The on!y thin" that su-ered
at ;rst was my appetite. ,hen you under"o chemotherapy, thin"s taste di-erent
+ecause o the chemica!s in your +ody. My mother wou!d ;8 me a p!ate o ood,
and she.d say,
>Son, i you.re not hun"ry and you don.t want to eat this, it won.t hurt my
ee!in"s.> But I tried to eat. ,hen I wo#e up rom a nap, she wou!d put a p!ate o
s!iced ruit and a !ar"e +ott!e o water in ront o me. I needed to eat so I cou!d
#eep mo$in". o&e, I to!d myse!. I wou!d "et up, throw on my warmup c!othes,
put my ,a!#man on, and wa!#. I don.t e$en #now how ar. I.d wa!# up the steep
hi!! and out o the ront "ates, and trud"e on up the road. %s !on" as I cou!d mo$e,
I was hea!thy. ,ithin days, the 4orsche was "one. I did it or two reasons, ;rst and
oremost +ecause I thou"ht I mi"ht need e$ery dime or my treatment, and I.d
ha$e to !i$e on what was !et or the rest o my !ie. But I thin#, too, that I was
+e"innin" to need to simp!iy thin"s. % *O54L3 OF 0%6S %FT3R I ST%RT30
*H3MO,,3 O43/30 a noti;cation !etter rom the hospita!: !ur records show that
you ha&e no health insurance. I stared at the !etter, uncomprehendin". That
wasn.t possi+!e. I had a hea!th p!an with Motoro!a, and I shou!d ha$e +een u!!y
co$ered. Irritated, I pic#ed up the phone and ca!!ed Bi!! Stap!eton to read him the
!etter. Bi!! ca!med me down, and to!d me he wou!d chec# into it. % ew hours !ater,
Bi!! ca!!ed +ac#. It was a !ousy piece o timin", he said. I was in the midst o
chan"in" emp!oyers, and a!thou"h my contract with *o;dis had ta#en e-ect, the
cancer was a pree8istin" medica! condition, or which I was not co$ered +y the
*o;dis "roup p!an. My insurance with Motoro!a had e8pired. I wou!d ha$e to pay
or hospita!i'ations and the treatments myse!, un!ess Bi!! cou!d ;"ure somethin"
out. I had cancer, and I had no hea!th insurance. % !ot o terri+!e rea!i'ations hit
me one ater another in those ;rst ew days, and this was on!y a materia! matter.
Sti!!, it was potentia!!y ruinous. I !oo#ed around my house, and started thin#in"
a+out what to se!!. I was wiped out ;nancia!!y, I assumed. I had @ust "one rom
ma#in" JB mi!!ion a year, to nothin". I had some disa+i!ity insurance, +ut that was
a+out it. I wou!d ha$e no income, +ecause the companies that sponsored me or
paid me wou!d cut me o-, sure!y, since I cou!dn.t race. The 4orsche that I so
treasured now seemed !i#e an item o pure decadent se!<indu!"ence. I wou!d need
e$ery penny to pay the medica! +i!!s. I started p!annin" the ;re sa!e. I.d "et rid o
the 4orsche, and some art, and a ew other toys.
I B3*%M3 % ST503/T OF *%/*3R. I ,3/T TO TH3 +i""est +oo#store in %ustin and
+ou"ht e$erythin" there on the su+@ect. I came home with ten di-erent $o!umes:
diet +oo#s, +oo#s on copin" emotiona!!y, meditation "uides. I was wi!!in" to
consider any option, no matter how "ooy. I read a+out 7a8seed oi!, which was
supposed to +e >a true aid> a"ainst arthritis, heart inarction, cancer, and other
diseases. I read a+out soy powder, a >pro$en anti<cancer ;"hter.> I read 5oga
8ournal, and +ecame deep!y i on!y momentari!y interested in somethin" ca!!ed
The Ra@, >an in$itation to perect hea!th.> I tore out pa"es o )isco&er ma"a'ine,
and co!!ected newspaper stories on ar<o- c!inics and ar<etched cures. I perused
a pamph!et a+out the *!inic o the %mericas in the 0ominican Repu+!ic, descri+in"
>an a+so!ute!y certain cure or cancer.> I de$oured what Bart had "i$en me, and
e$ery time he ca!!ed, I said, >,hat e!se you "otG> I had ne$er +een a de$oted
reader, +ut now I +ecame $oracious. Bart went to %ma'on.com and c!eaned them
out on the su+@ect. >Loo#, do you want me to eed you what I ;ndG> he as#ed.
>6eah, I want e$erythin". 3$erythin", e$erythin".> Here I was, a hi"h<schoo!
"raduate who.d recei$ed an ec!ectic education in 3urope, and now I was readin"
medica! @ourna!s. I had a!ways !i#ed to study ;nancia! ma"a'ines and
architectura!<desi"n ma"a'ines, +ut I didn.t care much or +oo#sA I had an
impossi+!y short attention span and I cou!dn.t sit sti!! or that !on". /ow a!! o a
sudden I had to tac#!e +!ood counts and +asic onco!o"y. It was a second
education, and there were days that I thou"ht, Well, I might as well go back to
school and try to become a doctor, because I'm becoming so well9&ersed in this. I
sat on the soa 7ippin" throu"h +oo#s, ta!#in" on the phone, readin" o- num+ers.
I wanted to #now e8act!y what my odds were, so I cou!d ;"ure out how to +eat
them. The more research I did, the +etter I e!t my chances were1e$en thou"h
what I was readin" su""ested that they weren.t $ery "ood. But #now!ed"e
was more reassurin" than i"norance: at !east I #new what I was dea!in" with, or
thou"ht I did anyway. There was an odd commona!ity in the !an"ua"e o cancer
and the !an"ua"e o cyc!in". They were +oth a+out +!ood. In cyc!in", one way o
cheatin" is to ta#e a dru" that +oosts your red +!oodce!! count. In ;"htin" cancer,
i my hemo"!o+in e!! +e!ow a certain !e$e!, the doctors wou!d "i$e me the $ery
same dru", 3po"en. There was a +ase!ine o num+ers I had to meet in my +!ood
tests, and the doctors measured my +!ood or the $ery same thin" they measured
in cyc!in": my thresho!d or physio!o"ica! stress.
I mastered a who!e new !an"ua"e, terms !i#e iosamide Na chemotherapy dru"O,
seminoma Na #ind o tumorO, and !actate dehy<dro"enase NL0H, another +!ood
mar#erO. I +e"an to throw around phrases !i#e >treatment protoco!.> I wanted to
#now it a!!. I wanted second, third, and ourth opinions. I +e"an to recei$e
mountains o mai!, "et<we!! cards, +est wishes, and o-<the<wa!! su""estions or
cures, and I read them a!!. Readin" the mai! was a way to #eep rom +roodin", so
in the e$enin"s Lisa and my mother and I wou!d sort throu"h the !etters, and
answer as many as possi+!e. One e$enin", I opened a !etter with an em+ossed
!etterhead rom 2ander+i!t 5ni$ersity.s medica! center. The writer was a man
named 0r. Ste$en ,o!-, the head o the +one<marrow transp!ant department. In
the !etter, 0r. ,o!- e8p!ained that he was a proessor o medicine and an
onco!o"ist, as we!! as an ardent cyc!in" an, and he wanted to he!p in any way he
cou!d. He ur"ed me to e8p!ore a!! the $arious treatment options, and o-ered to +e
a$ai!a+!e or any ad$ice or support. Two thin"s a+out the !etter drew my attentionA
the ;rst was ,o!-.s o+$ious cyc!in" #now!ed"e, and the other was a para"raph
that ur"ed me in stron" terms to "et a second opinion rom 0r. Larry 3inhorn
himse! at Indiana 5ni$ersity +ecause he was the oremost e8pert on the disease.
,o!- added, >6ou shou!d note that there are e=ua!!y e-ecti$e chemotherapy
treatments that cou!d minimi'e possi+!e side e-ects to not compromise your
racin" capa+i!ities.> I pic#ed up the phone and dia!ed ,o!-. >Hi, this is Lance
%rmstron",> I said. ,o!- was ta#en a+ac#, +ut he reco$ered =uic#!y, and ater we
e8chan"ed a ew p!easantries, he +e"an a hesitant in=uiry a+out my treatment.
,o!- e8p!ained that he was re!uctant to encroach on the authority o my doctors
in %ustin, +ut he wanted to he!p. I to!d him that I was on the standard treatment
protoco! or testicu!ar cancer with !un" metastasis, B34. >My pro"nosis isn.t "ood,>
I said. From that moment on, my treatment +ecame a medica! co!!a+oration.
4re$ious!y, I thou"ht o medicine as somethin" practiced +y indi$idua! doctors on
indi$idua! patients. The doctor was a!!<#nowin" and a!!<poweru!, the patient was
he!p!ess. But it was +e"innin" to dawn on me that there was nothin" wron" with
see#in" a cure rom a com+ination o peop!e and sources, and that the patient
was as important as the doctor. 0r. Ree$es was my uro!o"ist, 0r. 6ouman my
onco!o"ist, and now 0r. ,o!- +ecame my riend and treatment ad$ocate, a third
medica! eye and someone to whom I cou!d turn to as# =uestions. 3ach doctor
in$o!$ed p!ayed a crucia! ro!e. /o one person cou!d ta#e so!e responsi+i!ity or the
state o my hea!th, and most important, I +e"an to share the responsi+i!ity with
them. >,hat.s your H*) !e$e!G> ,o!- as#ed me. H*) is the endocrine protein that
stimu!ates women.s o$aries, I had !earned, and it was a te!!in" +!ood mar#er
+ecause it shou!d not +e present in hea!thy ma!es. I shuSed throu"h the papers,
!oo#in" at the $arious ;"ures. >It says a hundred and nine,> I said. >,e!!, that.s
hi"h,> ,o!- said. >But not e8traordinary.> %s I stared at the pa"e, I saw another
notation ater the num+er. >5h, what.s this .K. meanG> I as#ed. He was si!ent or a
moment, and so was I. >It means it.s a hundred and nine thousand,> ,o!- said. I
a count o CDE was hi"h, then what was :;<,;;;$ ,o!- +e"an to as# me a+out
my other mar#er !e$e!s, %FB and L0H. I shot =uestions +ac# at him. >,hat does
this meanG> I as#ed +!unt!y. ,o!- e8p!ained that there was too much H*) in my
+ody, e$en with the !un" tumors. ,here was it comin" romG He "ent!y su""ested
that perhaps I shou!d e8p!ore other therapies, more a""ressi$e treatment. Then
he !et me ha$e it: the H*) !e$e! automatica!!y put me in the worst pro"nosis
cate"ory.
Somethin" e!se +othered ,o!-. B!eomycin was e8treme!y to8ic on the !i$er and
!un"s, he e8p!ained. In his $iew, treatment was $ery persona!A what mi"ht +e ri"ht
or one patient wasn.t necessari!y ri"ht or another, and or my case, +!eomycin
mi"ht +e the wron" choice. % cyc!ist needs his !un" capacity the way he needs his
!e"s, and pro!on"ed e8posure to +!eomycin wou!d a!most certain!y end my career.
There were other dru"s, ,o!-e su""ested. I had choices. >There are some "uys
who are the wor!d.s +est at treatin" this,> ,o!- said. He to!d me he was a riend o
3inhorn and the other onco!o"ists at the Indiana 5ni$ersity medica! center in
Indianapo!is. He a!so recommended two other cancer centers1one in Houston
and one in /ew 6or#. Moreo$er, he o-ered to arran"e consu!tations or me.
Immense!y re!ie$ed, I accepted. Once a"ain, my mother !eaped into action. By the
ne8t mornin", she had "athered a!! o my medica! records and a8ed them to
Houston and Indianapo!is or the consu!ts. I was out ridin" my +i#e at a+out CD
%.M. when a rep!y came rom the Houston aci!ity. Two doctors were on a
conerence ca!!, +oth onco!o"ists. My mother !istened to two disem+odied $oices
as they discussed my case with her. >,e.$e re$iewed the inormation,> one said.
>,hy ha$en.t you had an MRI done on the +rainG> >,e!!, why wou!d we need
thatG> my mother as#ed. >His num+ers are so hi"h that we +e!ie$e he has it in his
+rain, too,> he said. >6ou "otta +e #iddin" me,> my mother said. >/orma!!y when
we see num+ers !i#e that, it.s +ecause it.s in the +rain. ,e ee! he needs more
a""ressi$e treatment.> Stunned, my mother said, >But he @ust started
chemotherapy.> >Loo#,> one o them said. >,e don.t thin# your son is "oin" to
ma#e it at this rate.> >0on.t do this, o#ayG> she said. >I ha$e ou"ht or this chi!d
my entire !ie.> >,e ee! you shou!d come down here immediate!y, and start
treatments with us.> >Lance wi!! +e +ac# in a !itt!e whi!e,> my mother said, sha#i!y.
>I.!! ta!# to him, and we.!! ca!! you +ac#.> % ew minutes !ater, I wa!#ed in the door,
and my mother said, >Son, I.$e "ot to ta!# to you.> I cou!d see that she was a
wrec#, and I had that ami!iar sin#in" sensation in my stomach. %s my mother
tremu!ous!y summari'ed what the doctors had said, I didn.t respond, I @ust sat
there si!ent!y1it seemed !i#e the more serious matters "rew, the =uieter I
+ecame. %ter a minute, I ca!m!y to!d her that I wanted to ta!# to the doctors
myse!, and hear what they had to say. I ca!!ed them +ac#, and I !istened as they
reiterated what they had a!ready to!d my mother. ,eari!y, I to!d them that I
wanted to "o to Houston and see them as soon as possi+!e. %ter I "ot o- the
phone, I pa"ed 0r. 6ouman. I "a$e him a +rie encapsu!ation o my con$ersation
with the Houston doctors. >0r. 6ouman, they thin# I ha$e it in my +rain. They say I
shou!d ha$e a +rain MRI.> >,e!!, I was "oin" to ha$e you in or one tomorrow,>
6ouman said. >6ou.re actua!!y a!ready schedu!ed or noon.> 0r. 6ouman to!d me
that he had schedu!ed the MRI +ecause he had +een thin#in" a!on" the same
!ines, that it had pro+a+!y mo$ed into my +rain. I ca!!ed Ste$e ,o!-, and to!d him
a+out the con$ersation. I said that I intended to "o to Houston the ne8t day. Ste$e
a"reed that I shou!d "o, +ut he a"ain recommended that I a!so ta!# to the peop!e
at Indiana 5ni$ersity, +ecause it was the epicenter or dea!in" with testicu!ar
cancer. 3$eryone too# their treatments rom the protoco!s esta+!ished +y 3inhorn,
so why didn.t I "o strai"ht to the sourceG Ste$e to!d me that 3inhorn was tra$e!in"
in %ustra!ia, +ut he o-ered to reer me to 3inhorn.s chie associate, 0r. *rai"
/icho!s. I a"reed, and he ca!!ed /icho!s to as# or a consu!tation on my +eha!. The
ne8t mornin", I reported to the hospita! or the MRI. For mora! support, Lisa, my
mother, and Bi!! Stap!eton a!! came with me, and my "randmother 7ew in rom
0a!!as as we!!. %s soon as I saw 0r. 6ouman, I said ata!istica!!y, >I u!!y e8pect that
I ha$e it in my +rain. I a!ready #now that.s what you.re "oin" to te!! me.>
% +rain MRI is a c!austropho+ic procedure in which you are passed throu"h a
tunne! so ti"ht that it practica!!y touches your nose and orehead and ma#es you
ee! that you mi"ht su-ocate. I hated it. The resu!ts o the scan came +ac# a!most
immediate!y. My mother and "randmother and Bi!! waited in the !o++y, +ut I
wanted Lisa with me in 0r. 6ouman s oHce. I "ripped her hand. 0r. 6ouman too#
one !oo# at the ima"e and said, re!uctant!y, >6ou ha$e two spots on your +rain.>
Lisa co$ered her eyes. I was +raced or it, +ut she wasn.t. /either was my mother,
who sat in the !o++y waitin" or me. I wa!#ed outside, and I simp!y said, >,e need
to "o to Houston.> That was a!! I had to sayA she #new the rest. 0r. 6ouman said,
>O#ay, why don.t you "o to ta!# to the Houston peop!e. That.s a $ery "ood idea.> I
a!ready #new he was an e8ce!!ent doctor, +ut now I appreciated his !ac# o e"o.
He wou!d remain my !oca! onco!o"ist, and I wou!d see him or count!ess more
+!ood tests and chec#ups, +ut than#s to his "enerous spirit and wi!!in"ness to
co!!a+orate with others in my treatment, he a!so +ecame my riend. Lisa and my
mother cou!d not #eep rom cryin"A they sat in the !o++y with tears runnin" rom
their eyes. But I was odd!y unemotiona!. It had +een a +usy wee#, I thou"ht to
myse!. I was dia"nosed on a ,ednesday, had sur"ery Thursday, was re!eased
Friday ni"ht, +an#ed sperm on Saturday, had a press conerence announcin" to
the wor!d that I had testicu!ar cancer on Monday mornin", started chemo on
Monday aternoon. /ow it was Thursday, and it was in my +rain. This opponent
was turnin" out to +e much tou"her than I.d thou"ht. I cou!dn.t seem to "et any
good news: It's in your lungs, it's stage three, you ha&e no insurance, now it's in
your brain. ,e dro$e home, and my mother composed herse! and sat at the a8
machine eedin" more papers into it or the doctors in Houston. Lisa sat in the
!i$in" room, seemin" !ost. I ca!!ed Bart, and to!d him a+out my p!ans. Bart as#ed i
I wanted company on the trip, and I said yes. ,e wou!d !ea$e at F %.M. the ne8t
day. But +e!ie$e it or not, there was a certain re!ie in hearin" the worst news yet
1+ecause I e!t !i#e that was the end o it a!!. /o doctor cou!d te!! me anythin"
moreA now I #new e$ery terri+!e thin" in the wor!d. 3ach time I was more u!!y
dia"nosed, I as#ed my doctors hard =uestions. What are my chances$ I wanted to
#now the num+ers. My percenta"e was shrin#in" dai!y. 0r. Ree$es to!d me :D
percent, >+ut rea!!y I was thin#in" twenty,> he admitted to me !ater. I he was
perect!y honest, he wou!d ha$e to!d me that he near!y wept when he e8amined
me, +ecause he thou"ht he was !oo#in" at a termina!!y i!! B:<year<o!d, and he
cou!dn.t he!p +ut thin# o his own son, who was my a"e. I Bart Kna""s had +een
tota!!y candid, he wou!d ha$e to!d me that when his prospecti$e ather<in<!aw, who
was a doctor, had heard that the cancer had mo$ed into my !un"s, he said to Bart,
>,e!!, your riend is dead.> What are my chances$ It was a =uestion I wou!d repeat
o$er and o$er. But it was irre!e$ant, wasn.t itG It didn.t matter, +ecause the
medica! odds don.t ta#e into account the unathoma+!e. There is no proper way to
estimate some+ody.s chances, and we shou!dn.t try, +ecause we can ne$er +e
entire!y ri"ht, and it depri$es peop!e o hope. Hope that is the on!y antidote to
ear. Those =uestions, Why me$ What are my chances$ were un#nowa+!e, and I
wou!d e$en come to ee! that they were too se!<a+sor+ed. For most o my !ie I
had operated under a simp!e schematic o winnin" and !osin", +ut cancer was
teachin" me a to!erance or am+i"uities. I was comin" to understand that the
disease doesn.t discriminate or !isten to the odds1it wi!! decimate a stron" person
with a wonderu! attitude, whi!e it somehow miracu!ous!y spares the wea#er
person who is resi"ned to ai!ure. I had a!ways assumed that i I won +i#e races, it
made me a stron"er and more worthy person. /ot so. ,hy meG ,hy any+odyG I
was no more or !ess $a!ua+!e than the man sittin" ne8t to me in the chemo center.
It was not a =uestion o worthiness. ,hat is stron"er, ear or hopeG It.s an
interestin" =uestion, and perhaps e$en an important one. Initia!!y, I was $ery
earu! and without much hope, +ut as I sat there and a+sor+ed the u!! e8tent o
my i!!ness, I reused to !et the ear comp!ete!y +!ot out my optimism. Somethin"
to!d me that ear shou!d ne$er u!!y ru!e the heart, and I decided not to +e araid. I
wanted to !i$e, +ut whether I wou!d or not was a mystery, and in the midst o
conrontin" that act, e$en at that moment, I was +e"innin" to sense that to stare
into the heart o such a earu! mystery wasn.t a +ad
thin". To +e araid is a price!ess education. Once you ha$e +een that scared, you
#now more a+out your rai!ty than most peop!e, and I thin# that chan"es a man. I
was +rou"ht !ow, and there was nothin" to ta#e reu"e in +ut the phi!osophica!:
this disease wou!d orce me to as# more o myse! as person than I e$er had
+eore, and to see# out a di-erent ethic. % coup!e o days ear!ier, I had recei$ed
an e<mai! rom a mi!itary "uy stationed in %sia. He was a e!!ow cancer patient,
and he wanted to te!! me somethin". >6ou don.t #now it yet,> he wrote, >+ut we.re
the !uc#y ones.> I.d said a!oud, >This "uy.s a nut.>
,hat on earth cou!d he meanG
fve
*O/23RS%TIO/S ,ITH *%/*3R
TH3R3 ,%S % 0IST5I3TI/) I/TIM%*6 TO TH3 idea that somethin" unin$ited was
!i$in" in my head. ,hen somethin" c!im+s strai"ht into your mind, that.s way
persona!. I decided to "et persona! ri"ht +ac#, and I +e"an to ta!# to it, en"a"in"
in an inner con$ersation with cancer. I tried to +e ;rm in my discussions. >6ou
pic#ed the wron" "uy,> I to!d it. >,hen you !oo#ed around or a +ody to try to !i$e
in, you made a +i" mista#e when you chose mine.> But e$en as I said the words, I
#new they were @ust competiti$e +ra""adocio. The ace that !oo#ed +ac# at me
rom the mirror that mornin" was pa!e and +!eary<eyed, and my mouth was
stretched into a thin hard !ine. In the sound o my own inner $oice I heard an
unami!iar note: uncertainty. I tried ne"otiatin" with it. If the deal is that I ne&er
cycle again, but I get to li&e, I'll take it, I thou"ht. Show me the dotted line, and I'll
sign. I'll do something else, I'll go back to school, I'll be a trash man, do anything.
8ust let me li&e. ,e !et +eore sunrise or the dri$e to Houston. My mother was at
the whee! o her 2o!$o and I rode with Lisa in the +ac#seat, which was un!i#e me. I
ne$er turned the dri$in" o$er to anyone e!se1that ri"ht there te!!s you how
preoccupied I was. ,e were $irtua!!y word!ess or the three<hour trip, e8hausted
and !ost in our own thou"htsA none o us had +een a+!e to s!eep we!! the pre$ious
ni"ht. My mother pushed the acce!erator, as i she @ust wanted to "et it o$er with.
She was so distracted, she a!most hit a do". Houston is a "i"antic metrop!e8 o a
city, with traHc @ams cho#in" the reeways. &ust dri$in" throu"h it was ner$e<
rac#in". ,e ;na!!y ound the hospita! at E %.M., and ;!ed into the !o++y waitin"
area, and that.s e8act!y what we did1waited, or the ne8t two hours. ,e were too
ear!y. Sittin" in the !o++y, I e!t !i#e we were in another traHc @am. It was a
spraw!in" uni$ersity hospita! and teachin" aci!ity, with hu"e, echoin" ha!!ways
teemin" with peop!e1sic# peop!e, cryin" +a+ies, worried ami!y mem+ers,
+rus=ue hospita! administrators, harried nurses, doctors, interns. The 7uorescent
tu+es in the cei!in" shed a white, !ea#y sodium !i"ht so typica! o
hospita!s, an unre!entin" 7at +eam that ma#es e$en the hea!thy peop!e !oo# pa!e
and tense. It seemed !i#e we waited ore$er, and as I sat there, I "rew increasin"!y
a"itated. I 7ipped throu"h ma"a'ines and drummed a penci! on the arm o the
chair, and made ca!!s on my ce!! phone. Fina!!y, the doctor I had spo#en to
appeared and we met ace<to<ace: he was the picture o a smart youn"
onco!o"ist, a we!!<"roomed man with c!ipped manners and the !ean physi=ue o a
runner +eneath his !a+ coat. >I.$e +een o!!owin" you,> he said. >I.m "!ad you.re
here.> But once the p!easantries were o$er, he had a +edside manner that was
terse and co!d. %s soon as we sat down, he +e"an to out!ine a treatment protoco!.
He wou!d continue treatin" me with +!eomycin, he said, +ut his re"imen wou!d +e
much more caustic than what 6ouman had prescri+ed. >6ou wi!! craw! out o here,>
he said. My eyes widened, and so did my mother.s. I was ta#en a+ac#. He
continued. >I.m "oin" to #i!! you,> he said. >3$ery day, I.m "oin" to #i!! you, and
then I.m "oin" to +rin" you +ac# to !ie. ,e.re "oin" to hit you with chemo, and
then hit you a"ain, and hit you a"ain. 6ou.re not "oin" to +e a+!e to wa!#.> He said
it point<+!an#. >,e.re practica!!y "oin" to ha$e to teach you how to wa!# a"ain,
ater we.re done.> Because the treatment wou!d !ea$e me inerti!e, I wou!d
pro+a+!y ne$er ha$e #ids. Because the +!eomycin wou!d tear up my !un"s, I wou!d
ne$er +e a+!e to race a +i#e a"ain. I wou!d su-er immense pain. The more he
ta!#ed, the more I recoi!ed at the $i$id ima"es o my en<ee+!ement. I as#ed him
why the treatment had to +e so harsh. >6ou.re worst<case,> he said. >But I ee! this
is your on!y shot, at this hospita!.> By the time he ;nished, my mother was
trem+!in", and Lisa !oo#ed she!!<shoc#ed. Bart was an"ry. He interrupted and tried
to as# a coup!e o =uestions a+out a!ternati$e treatments. Bart is a rea! =uestioner
and note<ta#er, a $ery thorou"h man, and he was worried and protecti$e. The
doctor cut him o-. >Loo#, your chances aren.t "reat,> he said to me. >But they.re a
!ot +etter i you come here than they are i you "o anywhere e!se.> I as#ed him
what his thou"hts were a+out 0r. 3inhorn.s protoco! in Indianapo!is. He was
dismissi$e. >6ou can "o to Indiana, +ut chances are you.!! +e +ac# here. Their
therapy won.t wor# or an ad$anced case !i#e yours.> Fina!!y, he conc!uded his
presentation. He wanted me to start chemotherapy with him immediate!y. >This is
the on!y p!ace to "et this sort o treatment, and i you don.t do it, I can.t promise
you what wi!! happen,> he said. I to!d him I wanted to thin# a+out what he had
said o$er !unch, and I wou!d come +ac# in the aternoon with an answer. ,e dro$e
around Houston in a da'e. Fina!!y we ound a sandwich shop, +ut none o us e!t
much !i#e eatin" ater hearin" such a dire summation o my case. I e!t pressure to
ma#e a =uic# decision: it was Friday, and he wanted me to +e"in treatment
Monday. I was discoura"ed. I cou!d accept the idea that I was peri!ous!y sic#, +ut
the idea o +ein" reduced to ee+!eness was the most depressin" thou"ht o a!!.
List!ess!y, I went o$er the pros and cons o what he had said, and as#ed or
eed+ac# rom my mother and Lisa and Bart. How do you discuss such a matterG I
tried to put a positi$e spin on the consu!tation, and set orth the opinion that
may+e this doctor.s competiti$eness and se!<con;dence were "ood. But I cou!d
see that my mother had p!ain!y +een terri;ed +y him. The protoco! sounded so
much more se$ere than what I wou!d recei$e anywhere e!se. I won't walk, I won't
ha&e children, I won't ride, I thou"ht. Ordinari!y, I was the sort who went in or
o$er#i!!: a""ressi$e trainin", a""ressi$e racin". But or once I thou"ht, aybe this
is too much. aybe this is more than I need. I decided to ca!! 0r. ,o!- to as# his
opinion. The more I ta!#ed to him, the +etter I !i#ed himA he was a!! "ray matter
and "ood sense, with no e"o. I out!ined the proposed protoco! and the
repercussions. >He wants me to start treatment ri"ht away, and he.s e8pectin" an
answer this aternoon.> ,o!- was =uiet on his end o the phone. I cou!d hear him
thin#in". >It wou!dn.t hurt you to "et one more opinion,> he said ;na!!y. ,o!-
didn.t thin# I needed to ma#e a decision that day, and he su""ested that I at
!east $isit the Indiana medica! center. The more I thou"ht a+out it, the more it
seemed !i#e a "ood recommendation. ,hy not "o to Indianapo!is and see the
peop!e who wrote the +oo# on testicu!ar cancer, the protoco! that a!! the other
doctors usedG On the car phone, I ca!!ed 0r. *rai" /icho!s, 3inhorn.s associate. I
e8p!ained that my situation was "ra$e and that I wanted additiona! opinions and
was in a hurry to "et them. >*an I come see you nowG> I as#ed. /icho!s rep!ied
that he had +een e8pectin" my ca!!. >,e can see you ri"ht away,> he said. *ou!d I
"et there in time to meet ear!y the ne8t mornin"G It was a Saturday. I !earned !ater
that it wasn.t comp!ete!y a case o specia! treatmentA the I5 sta- does not turn
away cases, no matter how +ad, and they do phone consu!tations with patients
and other doctors around the wor!d dai!y. By now it was three o.c!oc#, and I was
apprehensi$e a+out "oin" +ac# to the Houston aci!ity to retrie$e my medica!
records. The doctor there was o+$ious!y ea"er to treat me, +ut he had ri"htened
me, too. ,hen I to!d him I wanted to wait a day or two to ma#e my decision, he
was p!easant, and wished me !uc#. >&ust don.t wait too !on",> he said. The decision
to "o to Indianapo!is !ited my mother.s spirits somewhat, and she too# char"e.
She "ot on her ce!! phone to Bi!! Stap!e<ton.s oHce, and reached his assistant,
Stacy 4ounds. >Stacy, we need to +e on a p!ane to Indianapo!is,> she said. Then
we pi!ed in the car and raced to the Houston airport. ,e dumped my mother.s
2o!$o in the !on"<term par#in" !ot. /one o us had any c!othes or tooth+rushes
+ecause we thou"ht we were "oin" to Houston or a day trip. ,hen we "ot to the
tic#et counter, we disco$ered that Stacy had not on!y mana"ed to "et us our
seats, +ut had "otten us up"rades as we!!. ,hen we !anded in Indianapo!is my
mother too# char"e a"ain, and rented us a car. It was co!d in Indianapo!is, +ut she
disco$ered that there was a hote! ad@oinin" the hospita! with a co$ered wa!#way.
She chec#ed us in there, and we co!!apsed in our rooms. It wou!d +e another short
ni"ht, +ecause we were schedu!ed to meet with 0r. /icho!s ear!y the ne8t
mornin".
I ROS3 I/ %/OTH3R 4R30%,/, %/0 STOO0 *OMBI/) my hair in the mirror. I had
a!ready cut it c!ose to my head, in anticipation o the e-ects o chemo. /ow a +i"
thatch o it came away in the com+. I put on a cap. I went down to the !o++y. The
hote! had a continenta! +rea#ast +u-et with cerea! and ruit in the dinin" room,
and my mother was a!ready there. %s I @oined her at the ta+!e, I too# o- the cap.
>My hair.s a!!in" out,> I announced. My mother tried to smi!e. >,e!!, we #new that
it wou!d.> I tuc#ed my K rays and other records under my arm, and we wa!#ed
across the street to the hospita! in the chi!!y dar#ness. The I5 medica! center is a
standard teachin" hospita! housed in a !ar"e institutiona!<!oo#in" +ui!din". ,e
too# the e!e$ator to the onco!o"y oHces, where we were ushered into a
conerence room with a !ar"e p!ate<"!ass window. %s we wa!#ed in, the sun was
@ust +e"innin" to come up, and the room was su-used with co!or. For much o the
ne8t hour the sun continued to rise steadi!y throu"h the window, shimmerin",
which may ha$e contri+uted to the sense o we!!<+ein" I e8perienced. ,e met the
doctors who wou!d consu!t with me. *rai" /icho!s was a distin"uished<!oo#in"
man with a cropped +eard and an understated air. He carried a cup o co-ee in a
Styrooam cup. I wasn.t drin#in" co-ee, and I missed it +ad!y. I had "i$en it up
+ecause the nutrition +oo#s said toA i no ca-eine cou!d he!p sa$e my !ie, then I
didn.t intend to drin# a drop. But I stared at /icho!s.s cup, ee!in" pan"s o
withdrawa!. >,here do you stand on co-eeG> I as#ed. >,e!!, it.s pro+a+!y not the
+est thin" or you,> he said, >+ut a cup here and a cup there pro+a+!y won.t #i!!
you.>
%ccompanyin" /icho!s was Scott Shapiro, a neurosur"eon. Shapiro was a ta!! and
stoop<shou!dered man who !oo#ed e8act!y !i#e the actor %+e 2i"oda, with deep<set
eyes and +ushy eye+rows. 0r. /icho!s summed up my case to Shapiro: I was
dia"nosed with testicu!ar cancer and it had metastasi'ed. >The wor#up ound
mets in his chest, and two +rain mets,> /icho!s said to Shapiro. ,e sat down, and
as we +e"an to ta!# the sun "!owed throu"h the "!ass. The hospita! was $ery
=uiet, and /icho!s had a ca!m, p!ain<spo#en manner that contri+uted to the sense
o peaceu!ness I e!t. %s he ta!#ed, I studied him. He was $ery re!a8ed, with a
ha+it o !eanin" a"ainst wa!!s, ti!tin" +ac# in chairs with his hands +ehind his
head, and c!earin" his throat. But there was c!ear!y a tremendous con;dence
+eneath his mi!dness. He +e"an to "row on me. >,e, unh,+ he said, c!earin" his
throat, >ee! "ood a+out your, unh, chances.> I to!d /icho!s we had @ust come rom
Houston. I e8pected him to +e as dismissi$e as his counterpart had +een, +ut
instead, he was "racious. He said, >It.s a ;ne aci!ity and we appreciate the wor#
they do.> He then too# my medica! records and +e"an to re$iew them. He stuc#
my K rays up on the !i"ht +oard, and I stared o$er his shou!der at them as he
pointed out the areas o a+norma!ity in my chest, countin" CB tumors in a!!
1>mu!tip!e nodu!es on +oth sides,> as he put it. Some o them were spec#s, and
some measured as !ar"e as B.9 centimeters. Then he turned to my +rain scan and
showed me the two areas o a+norma!ity ri"ht under the s#u!!. They were "rape<
si'ed white spots. I was $ery attenti$e1there is somethin" a+out starin" at your
+rain metastases that ocuses a person. /icho!s made su""estions, a!most
casua!!y, a+out my pro"nosis and how he wou!d ;"ht the disease. His
presentation was simp!e and strai"htorward. >6ou.re in an ad$anced sta"e, and
the +rain !esions comp!icate thin"s,> he said. He e8p!ained that typica!!y +rain
!esions aren.t treated with chemo +ecause o the +!ood<+rain +arrier, a #ind o
physio!o"ica! moat that "uards the +rain, +!oc#in" the entry o dru"s !i#e those
used in chemotherapy. The options were radiation andUor sur"ery. /icho!s a$ored
sur"ery. %s usua!, I wanted hard, precise inormation. Wliat are my chances$
>,e!!, you "ot a poor start,> /icho!s said, meanin" I had +een dia"nosed !ate.
>The percenta"es are una$ora+!e. But this is potentia!!y cura+!e. I thin# you ha$e
a!most a coin<7ip o a chance.> /icho!s was so+er and rea!istic, +ut he e8uded
optimism, too. In testicu!ar cancer, there is a!most a!ways a chance o cure now,
than#s to the use o p!atinum, and he had seen peop!e with more ad$anced
disease than I had who sur$i$ed. >,e see a!! the $ery hard cases here,> he said.
>3$en thou"h you.re in the poor<pro"nosis cate"ory, we.$e cured a !ot worse.>
Then /icho!s stunned me: he said that he wou!d !i#e to tai!or my treatment to "et
me +ac# on the +i#e. That was the one thin" no doctor +esides Ste$e ,o!- had
said to me. /ot one. I was so ta#en a+ac# that at ;rst I didn.t trust what he was
sayin". The trip to Houston had so de7ated me, particu!ar!y the description o the
ri"ors o treatment and the e8treme measures it wou!d ta#e to sa$e me. My
hi"hest priority was sur$i$a!. >&ust he!p me !i$e,> I said. But /icho!s was not on!y
con;dent that I cou!d !i$e, he seemed to ee! there was a chance I cou!d race
a"ain. He wou!dn.t compromise my chances o !i$in", +ut he wanted to a!ter my
protoco! to preser$e my !un"s. There was another protoco! o p!atinum<+ased
chemo ca!!ed 2I4 N$in+!astine, etoposide, iosamide, cisp!atinO, which was a much
more caustic re"imen in the short term, +ut which in the !on" term wou!d not +e
as de+i!itatin" to my !un"s as +!eomycin. ,ith iosamide, he said, I wou!d ha$e
more nausea and $omitin" and short<term discomort. I I cou!d withstand three
cyc!es o 2I4, in addition to the B34 cyc!e I had a!ready under"one, I @ust mi"ht "et
rid o the cancer and +e a+!e to reco$er enou"h physica!!y to compete. >6ou mean
we can do that instead o what e$eryone e!se is doin"G> my mother as#ed. >/o
+!eomycinG> >,e don.t want his !un"s to +e a-ected,> /icho!s said.
/icho!s continued: he a$ored sur"ery to remo$e the +rain tumors. The standard
treatment or +rain tumors was radiation, +ut radiation can ha$e !on"<term side
e-ects on the centra! ner$ous systemA some patients who under"o it ha$e
inte!!ection deterioration and co"niti$e and coordination distur+ance. >They.re not
=uite the same ater radiation,> he said. In my case one potentia! e-ect cou!d +e a
s!i"ht !oss o +a!ance. /othin" serious to the ordinary person, +ut enou"h to #eep
me rom ridin" a +i#e down an %!p1+a!ance is somethin" you need in that
situation. Shapiro too# o$er the discussion. I studied him: in addition to his
resem+!ance to the sad<eyed 2i"oda, there was the matter o what he was
wearin": an %didas sweatsuit with the si"nature stripes down the side and 'ippers
at the +ottom, o$er which he wore the more traditiona! !a+ coat. His hair cur!ed
o$er his co!!ar. #his guy is a brain surgeon$ I wondered. He seemed entire!y too
casua! to +e a doctor at a!!. >Let.s !oo# at the MRIs and the *T scans,> Shapiro said
easi!y. /icho!s handed them o$er. Shapiro popped the ima"es up on the K ray
+oard, and as he re"arded them, he +e"an to s!ow!y nod. >Mmmm, yep,> he said.
>I can hand!e this. /o pro+!em.> >/o problem$+ I said. Shapiro pointed to the
!esions and said that they appeared to +e on the surace o my +rain, and shou!d
thereore +e re!ati$e!y easy to "et at, usin" somethin" ca!!ed rame!ess
stereotactics, a techno!o"y that a!!owed him to pinpoint precise!y where the
cancer was and conse=uent!y ma#e a re!ati$e!y sma!! incision. >It a!!ows us to
iso!ate the !esions +eore we operate, so that our time in the crania! area is a
ourth o what it wou!d ha$e +een +eore,> he said. >,hat are the ris#sG> I as#ed.
>,ith a youn" person, the pro+!ems o anesthesia are minima!. There.s not much
ris# o inection or hemorrha"e, either, and on!y a sma!! ris# o sei'ure. The main
ris# is that you mi"ht come out o it with some wea#ness on one side o the +ody.
It.s a simp!e procedure, and you seem !i#e a pretty stron" character. It shou!d +e a
wa!# in the par#.> I was tired, and in a state o dis+e!ie. It made me +!unt. >6ou.!!
ha$e to con$ince me you #now what you.re doin",> I said. >Loo#, I.$e done a !ar"e
num+er o these,> Shapiro said. >I.$e ne$er had anyone die, and I.$e ne$er made
anyone worse.> >6eah, +ut why shou!d you +e the person who operates on my
headG> >Because as "ood as you are at cyc!in">1he paused1>I.m a !ot +etter at
+rain sur"ery.> I !au"hed, and #new that I !i#ed him. By then it was !ate mornin",
and I rose rom my chair and to!d them that we wou!d thin# a+out what they had
said o$er !unch, and that I wou!d ma#e a decision !ater that day. First, I wanted to
ha$e another ta!# with my riends and my mother. These were stressu! decisions.
I had to choose my doctors and my p!ace o treatment, and it wasn.t !i#e choosin"
a mutua! und, either. I I in$ested in a mutua! und, I.d as#, What's my rate of
return o&er 3&e years$ But this was entire!y di-erent. The rate o return in this
instance was a matter o !ie and death. ,e went across the street to a ma!!, and
ound a +rew pu+. 3$eryone was =uiet at !unch. Too =uiet. My mother, Lisa, and
Bart were araid o in7uencin" meA they a!! thou"ht I shou!d ma#e my own
decision a+out where to +e treated. I as#ed them or comments, +ut cou!dn.t
seem to draw them into it. I #ept tryin". >,e!!, you #now, they say in Houston
there.s a "ood chance I.!! +e cured, +ut here they want to chan"e my protoco!,
and may+e that.s "ood.> /o+ody rep!ied, or "a$e the s!i"htest hint o an opinion.
They were tota!!y noncommitta!. They wanted a decision, +ut it had to +e mine,
not theirs. ,hi!e I ate, I thou"ht it o$er. I wanted to +e sure I had done a "ood @o+
o e$a!uatin" the doctors and understandin" their treatment p!ans. I was at
"round 'ero, I had conceded my career, +ut 0r. /icho!s and 0r. Shapiro didn.t
seem to thin# I had to ma#e that concession yet. I decided I had con;dence in
them, in their purpose!y !aid<+ac# sty!es, their !ac# o e"o, and their reusa! to +e
ratt!ed +y me. They were e8act!y who they appeared to +e: two wrin#!ed, tired,
yet $ery !earned doctors, and I suspected there were none +etter.
I had tried to as# some tou"h =uestions, +ut /icho!s was impertur+a+!e, and
candid. He wasn.t "oin" to "et suc#ered into a +iddin" war, or try to se!! his shop
o$er another. He was e8treme!y proessiona!, and secure in his credi+i!ity.
Sudden!y, I +!urted, >,e!!, these "uys rea!!y seem !i#e they #now what they.re
doin". %nd I rea!!y !i#e them. I !i#e this p!ace. %nd i I.m "oin" to ha$e to ha$e
sur"ery, 0r. Shapiro doesn.t seem worried at a!!. So I thin# I.m "onna come here.>
Their aces !it up. >I tota!!y a"ree,> Bart said, ;na!!y "oin" cut on a !im+. My
mother said, >I thin# you.re ri"ht.> ,e returned to the I5 medica! center, and I met
with 0r. /icho!s a"ain. >This is where I want to do my treatment,> I said. >O#ay,
"ood,> /icho!s said. >6ou need to +e +ac# here on Monday to ta#e some
measurements, and Tuesday we.!! operate on the +rain.> /icho!s said that
immediate!y ater the sur"ery I wou!d start the new chemotherapy re"imen with
him. He +rou"ht in the chie onco!o"y nurse, LaTrice Haney, who wou!d +e wor#in"
with me, and we sat down to map out a treatment schedu!e. >6ou can.t #i!! me,> I
said. >Hit me with e$erythin" you "ot, @ust dump it a!! on me. ,hate$er you "i$e
to other peop!e, "i$e me dou+!e. I want to ma#e sure we "et it a!!. Let.s #i!! this
damn thin".> /icho!s and LaTrice wanted to disa+use me o that notion ri"ht away.
>Let me assure you, I can #i!! you,> /icho!s said. >It.s possi+!e.> I was under the
misperception, in part +ecause o the con$ersation in Houston, that they had to
+om+ard me to cure me, +ut chemo is so to8ic that too much o it wou!d destroy
my system. /icho!s actua!!y wanted to wait a wee# to +e"in treatin" me, +ecause
my white +!ood ce!! count was sti!! !ow rom the ;rst cyc!e o chemo. On!y when I
was physica!!y ready wou!d I +e"in a 2I4 chemo cyc!e. LaTrice Haney too# o$er the
con$ersation. She was a $ery correct and e8pert<seemin" nurse, a!thou"h I wou!d
disco$er that she had a snea#y wit. Her 7uency on the su+@ect o chemotherapy
seemed e=ua! to the doctors. as she "uided me throu"h e$ery e!ement o the
protoco!, e8p!ainin" not @ust what each one did, +ut why it wor#ed, in an a!most
teacher!y way. I tried to ta#e in a!! o the inormation1I was determined to stay
in$o!$ed in my hea!th, in the decision<ma#in". My mother was sti!! an8ious, o
course. >How sic# wi!! he +eG> she as#ed. >He wi!! pro+a+!y ha$e episodes o
nausea, he may ha$e $omitin",> LaTrice said. >But there are new medications out,
recent ones that can minimi'e his $omitin", i not e!iminate it.> LaTrice to!d me
that e$ery drop o chemo that went into my +ody wou!d +e careu!!y counted, as
wou!d e$erythin" that came out. Her e8p!anations were so ca!m and succinct that
when she was throu"h, I didn.t ha$e any =uestions, and my mother seemed
comorted. LaTrice had answered e$erythin".
% ,33K L%T3R, ,3 R3T5R/30 TO I/0I%/%4OLIS. M6 mother carried a!! my
records in her +a", as we!! as a hu"e Qip!oc u!! o my $itamins and medicines. By
now she had +een !i$in" out o one sma!! o$erni"ht case or a!most three wee#s,
and she didn.t e$en ha$e a sweater. It was coo! in Indianapo!is, so she +orrowed a
+!an#et o- the p!ane to #eep warm. %t the I5 medica! center, we went throu"h
another !a+orious chec#<in process, with my mother di""in" in her +a" or my
records. %n administrator too# down a!! o the pertinent inormation and as#ed us
$arious =uestions. >,hat #ind o ood do you !i#eG> she as#ed. I said, >I can.t ha$e
su"ars. I can.t ha$e +ee. I can.t ha$e cheese products. %nd I ha$e to ha$e ree<
ran"e chic#en.> She @ust stared +ac# at me, and said, >,hat can you eatG>
It was a teachin" hospita!, not a caterin" ser$ice, I rea!i'ed. But my mother was
urious. She stood up, a!! :<oot<M o her, and said, >,e.re "ettin" ready to ace
+rain sur"ery tomorrow, and don.t e$en try this with me. ,e ha$e a nutritionist
who has recommended certain thin"s. I you can.t do it, ;ne. ,e.!! "et our own
ood.> From then on, whene$er my mother $isited the hospita! she went shoppin"
or me. /e8t, we went to our room, and my mother decided it was too noisy. It was
ri"ht +y the nurses. station, and she thou"ht it wou!d distur+ me to hear them
ta!#in" outside my door, so she insisted that they chan"e my room, and I was
mo$ed to the end o the ha!!, where it was =uieter. That aternoon, I saw 0r.
Shapiro or the pre!iminaries to sur"ery. One charmin" eature o rame!ess
stereotactics entai!ed p!acin" co!ored dots a!! o$er my s#u!! to mar# the !ocations
o the tumors and the p!aces where Shapiro wou!d ma#e his incisions to "et to
them. Somehow, those dots made the sur"ery more immediate. It struc# me that
they put those dots on my head so that Shapiro wou!d #now where to cut into my
skull. There was no easy way to say itA it was where the sur"eon wou!d crack my
head open. >LaTrice,> I said, >the idea o cuttin" my head open, I @ust don.t #now i
I can dea! with that.> I met a wa!!. Much as I wanted to +e positi$e and unaraid,
a!! I #new was, when peop!e "et +rain tumors, they don.t !i$e. The rest I ;"ured
was cura+!eA my other or"ans and appenda"es weren.t as important. But the
+rain, that was the +i" one. I remem+ered a rhyme I.d heard somewhere, >Once
you touch the +rain you.re ne$er the same.> The peop!e around me were as
ri"htened as I was, or more so. It seemed e$eryone I #new had 7own in to +e with
me: Och, *hris *armichae!, Bi!!, Ke$in. I wanted them around, and I #new they
were "!ad to +e there, +ecause it made them ee! !i#e they cou!d do somethin" to
he!p. But I cou!d see the ear in their aces, in their widened eyes and their a!se
cheeru!ness, so I tried to ra!!y, and to hide my own uncertainty. >I.m ready to
crush this thin",> I announced. >I.m ready or this sur"ery. 6ou won.t ;nd me
sittin" around trem+!in", scared to !et them ta#e me.> One thin" you rea!i'e when
you.re sic# is that you aren.t the on!y person who needs support1sometimes you
ha$e to +e the one who supports others. My riends shou!dn.t a!ways ha$e to +e
the ones sayin": >6ou.re "oin" to ma#e it.> Sometimes I had to +e the one who
reassured them, and said, >I.m "oin" to ma#e it. 0on.t worry.> ,e watched the
,or!d Series and tried to act !i#e we were interested in the outcome1as much as
any+ody rea!!y cares a+out +ase+a!! +eore +rain sur"ery. ,e chatted a+out the
stoc# mar#et, and a+out +icyc!e racin". The e<mai!s and cards #ept pourin" in,
rom peop!e I didn.t e$en #now or hadn.t heard rom in years, and we sat around
readin" them a!oud. I e!t a sudden ur"ency to assess my ;nancia! worth. I
e8p!ained the hea!th<insurance pro+!em to Och and *hris, and we "ot paper and
penci!s and +e"an tota!in" up my assets. >Let.s see where I am,> I said. >,e.$e "ot
to "et this wired ti"ht. I need to ha$e a p!an, so I can ee! !i#e I.m contro!!in" this
thin".> I had enou"h sa$ed up to "o to co!!e"e, we decided1i I so!d my house. I
didn.t want to se!! it, +ut I tried to +e phi!osophica!. Hey, I "ot dea!t a +ad hand. I I
needed the money, that.s what I wou!d ha$e to do. I added up my cash, and how
much was in my retirement account. =ot> ?'';,;;;. 6ool and landscaping>
?@;,;;;. Furniture and art> ?A;;,;;;. Fi0tures> ?(;,;;;. Later in the day, Shapiro
came to my room. >,e need to discuss the sur"ery,> he said in a serious tone.
>,hat are you ta!#in" a+outG> I said. >This is re!ati$e!y minor, ri"htG> >,e!!, it.s a
!itt!e more serious than that.> Shapiro said that the tumors were in two tric#y
spots: one was o$er my $ision ;e!d and the other was o$er a center o
coordination. So that e8p!ained my +!urry $ision. He said he wou!d tai!or the
operation to +e precise, #eepin" the incisions as sma!! as possi+!e, hopeu!!y
ma#in" them within one mi!!imeter o the
!esions. There wou!d +e no hu"e incisions !i#e in the o!d days. Sti!!, I shuddered at
his description o the procedure. I don.t thin# I had u!!y admitted the se$erity o
the operation to myse!A I thou"ht it sounded easy1he wou!d @ust "o in and scrape
o- the !esions. But now that he went into the detai!s, it hit home that he wou!d +e
operatin" in areas where the s!i"htest errors cou!d cost me my eyesi"ht or my
mo$ement and motor s#i!!s. Shapiro cou!d see that I was +e"innin" to "et tru!y
ri"htened. >Loo#, no+ody e$er wants +rain sur"ery,> he said. >I you aren.t
scared, you aren.t norma!.> Shapiro assured me that I wou!d +ounce +ac# rom the
sur"ery =uic#!y: I wou!d spend @ust one day in intensi$e care and, ater another
day o reco$ery, I wou!d "et strai"ht down to +usiness with my chemotherapy.
That ni"ht, my mother, Bi!!, Och, *hris, and the rest o the "roup too# me across
the street to the ma!! to "et somethin" to eat at a nice continenta!<cuisine
restaurant. I cou!dn.t eat much. I sti!! had the dots on my head rom the rame!ess
stereotactics, and a hospita! +race!et on my wrist, +ut I no !on"er cared how I
!oo#ed. So what i I had dots on my headG I was @ust happy to "et out o the
hospita! and mo$e around. 4eop!e stared, +ut it didn.t matter. Tomorrow, my head
wou!d +e sha$ed.
HO, 0O 6O5 *O/FRO/T 6O5R O,/ 03%THG sometimes I thin# the +!ood<+rain
+arrier is more than @ust physica!, it.s emotiona!, too. May+e there.s a protecti$e
mechanism in our psyche that pre$ents us rom acceptin" our morta!ity un!ess we
a+so!ute!y ha$e to. The ni"ht +eore +rain sur"ery, I thou"ht a+out death. I
searched out my !ar"er $a!ues, and I as#ed myse!, i I was "oin" to die, did I want
to do it ;"htin" and c!awin" or in peaceu! surrenderG ,hat sort o character did I
hope to showG ,as I content with myse! and what I had done with my !ie so arG I
decided that I was essentia!!y a "ood person, a!thou"h I cou!d ha$e +een +etter1
+ut at the same time I understood that the cancer didn.t care. I as#ed myse! what
I +e!ie$ed. I had ne$er prayed a !ot. I hoped hard, I wished hard, +ut I didn.t pray. I
had de$e!oped a certain distrust o or"ani'ed re!i"ion "rowin" up, +ut I e!t I had
the capacity to +e a spiritua! person, and to ho!d some er$ent +e!ies. Tuite
simp!y, I +e!ie$ed I had a responsi+i!ity to +e a "ood person, and that meant air,
honest, hardwor#in", and honora+!e. I I did that, i I was "ood to my ami!y, true
to my riends, i I "a$e +ac# to my community or to some cause, i I wasn.t a !iar,
a cheat, or a thie, then I +e!ie$ed that shou!d +e enou"h. %t the end o the day, i
there was indeed some Body or presence standin" there to @ud"e me, I hoped I
wou!d +e @ud"ed on whether I had !i$ed a true !ie, not on whether I +e!ie$ed in a
certain +oo#, or whether I.d +een +apti'ed. I there was indeed a )od at the end
o my days, I hoped he didn.t say, >But you were ne$er a *hristian, so you.re
"oin" the other way rom hea$en.> I so, I was "oin" to rep!y, >6ou #now whatG
6ou.re ri"ht. Fine.> I +e!ie$ed, too, in the doctors and the medicine and the
sur"eries1 I +e!ie$ed in that. I +e!ie$ed in them. % person !i#e 0r. 3inhorn, that.s
someone to +e!ie$e in, I thou"ht, a person with the mind to de$e!op an
e8perimenta! treatment BD years a"o that now cou!d sa$e my !ie. I +e!ie$ed in
the hard currency o his inte!!i"ence and his research. Beyond that, I had no idea
where to draw the !ine +etween spiritua! +e!ie and science. But I #new this much:
I +e!ie$ed in +e!ie, or its own shinin" sa#e. To +e!ie$e in the ace o utter
hope!essness, e$ery artic!e o e$idence to the contrary, to i"nore apparent
catastrophe1 what other choice was thereG ,e do it e$ery day, I rea!i'ed. ,e are
so much stron"er than we ima"ine, and +e!ie is one o the most $a!iant and !on"<
!i$ed human characteristics. To +e!ie$e, when a!! a!on" we humans #now that
nothin" can cure the +rieness o this !ie, that there is no remedy or our +asic
morta!ity, that is a orm o +ra$ery. To continue +e!ie$in" in yourse!, +e!ie$in" in
the doctors, +e!ie$in" in the treatment, +e!ie$in" in whate$er I chose to +e!ie$e in,
that was the most important thin", I decided. It had to +e. ,ithout +e!ie, we
wou!d +e !et with nothin" +ut an o$erwhe!min" doom, e$ery sin"!e day. %nd it wi!!
+eat you. I didn.t u!!y see, unti! the cancer, how we ;"ht e$ery day a"ainst the
creepin" ne"ati$es o the wor!d, how we stru""!e dai!y a"ainst the s!ow !appin" o
cynicism. 0ispiritedness and disappointment,
these were the rea! peri!s o !ie, not some sudden i!!ness or catac!ysmic
mi!!ennium doomsday. I #new now why peop!e ear cancer: +ecause it is a s!ow
and ine$ita+!e death, it is the $ery de;nition o cynicism and !oss o spirit. So, I
+e!ie$ed.
,H3/ 6O5 *%/.T R3M3MB3R SOM3THI/), TH3R3.S % reason why. I.$e +!oc#ed
out much o what I thou"ht and e!t the mornin" o my +rain sur"ery, +ut one
thin" I remem+er c!ear!y is the date, Octo+er B:th, +ecause when it was o$er I
was so "!ad to +e a!i$e. My mother and Och and Bi!! Stap!eton came into my room
at F %.M. to wa#e me up, and $arious nurses came +y to prepare me or the
sur"ery. Beore you under"o a +rain operation, you ha$e a memory test. The
doctors say, >,e.re "oin" to te!! you three simp!e words, and try to remem+er
them or as !on" as you can.> Some +rain<tumor patients ha$e !apses and can.t
remem+er what they were to!d ten minutes a"o. I the tumor has a-ected you, it.s
the !itt!e thin"s that you can.t reca!!. % nurse said, >Ba!!, pin, dri$eway. %t some
point we wi!! as# you to repeat these words.> It cou!d +e MD minutes !ater, or it
cou!d +e three hours, +ut I wou!d +e as#ed or them e$entua!!y, and i I or"ot,
that wou!d mean +i" trou+!e. I didn.t want anyone to thin# I had a pro+!em1I was
sti!! tryin" to pro$e I wasn.t rea!!y as sic# as the medica! e8perts thou"ht. I was
determined to remem+er those words, so they were a!! I thou"ht a+out or se$era!
minutes: ,all, pin, dri&eway. ,all, pin, dri&eway. % ha! hour !ater a doctor returned
and as#ed me or the words. >Ba!!, pin, dri$eway,> I said, con;dent!y. It was time
to "o to sur"ery. I was whee!ed down the ha!!, with my mother wa!#in" part o the
way, unti! we turned into the sur"ica! room, where a team o mas#ed nurses and
doctors was waitin" or me. They propped me up on the operatin" ta+!e, as the
anesthesio!o"ist +e"an the @o+ o administerin" the #noc#out punch. For some
reason, I e!t chatty. >0id you "uys e$er see the mo$ie alice$+ I as#ed. % nurse
shoo# her head. 3nthusiastica!!y, I !aunched into a summary o the p!ot: %!ec
Ba!dwin p!ays this "ited +ut arro"ant sur"eon who is sued or ma!practice, and at
his tria!, a !awyer accuses him o su-erin" rom somethin" ca!!ed the )od
*omp!e81+e!ie$in" that he is ina!!i+!e. Ba!dwin "i$es a "reat speech in his own
deense1+ut then he incriminates himse!. He descri+es the tension and the
pressure o sur"ery when a patient is !yin" on a ta+!e and he has to ma#e sp!it<
second decisions that determine !ie or death. >%t that moment, "ent!emen,> he
dec!ares, >I don.t think I.m )od. I am )od.> I ;nished the story, doin" a dead<on
imitation o %!ec Ba!dwin. My ne8t word was >5nnnnnhhh.> %nd I passed strai"ht
out rom the anesthesia. The thin" a+out that speech is that there is an e!ement
o truth in it, a+so!ute truth. %s I passed into unconsciousness, my doctors
contro!!ed my uture. They contro!!ed my a+i!ity to s!eep, and to reawa#en. For
that period o time, they were the u!timate +ein"s. My doctors were my )ods.
%nesthesia was !i#e a +!ac#out: one moment I was co"ni'ant, and the ne8t
moment I didn.t e$en e8ist. The anesthesio!o"ist, in testin" the !e$e!s, +rou"ht me
to consciousness @ust +rie7y +eore the sur"ery +e"an. %s I wo#e up, I rea!i'ed
that the sur"ery was not o$erA in act, it had not e$en "otten under way, and I was
urious. I said, wooUi!y, >0amn it, !et.s "et started.> I heard Shapiro.s $oice say,
>3$erythin".s ;ne,> and I +!ac#ed out a"ain.
%!! I #now a+out the sur"ery, o course, is what 0r. Shapiro re!ated to me !ater. I
was on the ta+!e or rou"h!y si8 hours. He made the incision and went a+out the
@o+ o remo$in" the !esions. %s soon as he scraped them away, he "a$e them to a
patho!o"ist, who put them ri"ht under a microscope. By e8aminin" the tissue
immediate!y, they cou!d te!! what sort o cancer it was and how !i#e!y it was to
spread. I it was a !i$e!y and a""ressi$e orm o cancer, then there was a !i#e!ihood
that more o it wou!d +e ound.
But the patho!o"ist !oo#ed up rom the microscope, surprised, and said, >It.s
necrotic tissue.> >They.re deadG> Shapiro said. >They.re dead,> the technician said.
It was impossi+!e to say that e$ery ce!! was dead, o course. But they had e$ery
appearance o +ein" !ie!ess and nonthreatenin". It was the +est possi+!e news,
+ecause it meant they weren.t spreadin". ,hat #i!!ed themG I don.t #now, and
neither do the doctors. Some necrotic tissue isn.t uncommon. Shapiro went
strai"ht rom the sur"ery to ;nd my mother, and said, >He.s in the reco$ery room
and doin" we!!.> He e8p!ained that the tissue was necrotic, which meant there
pro+a+!y wasn.t any more o it, they had "otten it a!!. >It went much +etter than
we e$er e8pected,> Shapiro said. I ,OK3 54 ... SLO,L6 ... IT ,%S 23R6 BRI)HT
%/0 and someone was spea#in" to me. I'm ali&e. I opened my eyes. I was in the
reco$ery room, and Scott Shapiro was +endin" o$er me. Once a doctor has
crac#ed your s#u!! and perormed +rain sur"ery, and then put you +ac# to"ether
a"ain, there is a moment o truth. /o matter how "ood the sur"eon, he waits
an8ious!y to see i e$erythin" mo$es, and whether the patient is proper!y
responsi$e. >0o you remem+er meG> he said. >6ou.re my doctor,> I said. >,hat.s
my nameG> >Scott Shapiro.> >*an you te!! me your nameG> >Lance %rmstron",> I
said. >%nd I can #ic# your ass on a +i#e any day.> I +e"an to ade +ac# to s!eep,
+ut as my eyes c!osed, I saw the same doctor who had tested my memory. >Ba!!,
pin, dri$eway,> I said. I dropped +ac# into the +!ac# dream!ess +ottom!ess
anesthetic s!eep. ,hen I awo#e a"ain, I was in a dim, =uiet room, in intensi$e
care. I @ust !ay there or a moment, ;"htin" the ha'e o anesthesia. It was terri+!y
dim, and =uiet. I wanted to !ea$e. o&e. I mo$ed in the sheets. >He.s awa#e,> a
nurse said. I threw a !e" o$er the +ed. >Stay downP> a nurse said. >,hat are you
doin"G> >I.m "ettin" up,> I said. I started to rise. o&e. If you can still mo&e, you
aren't sick. >6ou can.t "et up yet,> she said. >Lie down.> I !ay +ac# down. >I.m
hun"ry,> I announced.
%s I B3*%M3 MOR3 F5LL6 *O/S*IO5S, I R3%LIQ30 that my head was comp!ete!y
wrapped in "au'e and +anda"es. My senses seemed wrapped up, too, pro+a+!y a
resu!t o the anesthesia and the I2 tu+es twinin" a!! o$er me. I had tu+es in my
nose, and a catheter runnin" up my !e" and into my penis. I was e8hausted,
drained to the a+so!ute center o my +ein". But I was star$in". I was used to my
three s=uare mea!s a day, than#s to my mother. I thou"ht o heapin" hot p!ates o
ood, with "ra$y. I hadn.t eaten anythin" in hours, and my !ast mea! had +een
some #ind o cerea!. *erea! wasn.t a mea!. I mean, come on. That was a snac#. %
nurse ed me a p!ate o scram+!ed e""s. >*an I see my motherG> I said. %ter a +it,
my mother came in =uiet!y and he!d my hand. I understood how she e!t, how
o-ended her sense o motherhood was +y seein" me !i#e that. I had come rom
the same s#in as hers, the physica! matter that made me, e$ery partic!e down to
the !ast proton in the ;n"ernai! on my sma!!est ;n"er, +e!on"ed to her, and when I
was a +a+y she had counted my +reaths in the ni"ht. She thou"ht she had "otten
me throu"h the hard part, +eore this. >I !o$e you,> I said. >I !o$e my !ie, and you
"a$e it to me, and I owe you so much or that.> I ,%/T30 TO S33 M6 FRI3/0S,
TOO. TH3 /5RS3S a!!!owed them to come in, two or three at a time. I had +een
careu! to seem con;dent +eore the sur"ery, +ut now that it was o$er, I didn.t
need to put up a ront anymore, to hide how re!ie$ed I was and how $u!nera+!e I
e!t. Och came in, and then *hris, and they too# my hands, and it e!t "ood to !et
"o o some thin"s, to show them how araid I had +een. >I.m not done,> I said. >I.m
sti!! here.> I was da'ed, +ut I was aware o e$eryone who came into the room, and
cou!d sense what they were ee!in". Ke$in.s $oice was cho#ed with emotion. He
was deep!y upset, and I wanted to reassure him. >,hy do you sound so seriousG> I
teased him. He @ust s=uee'ed my hand. >I #now,> I said. >6ou don.t !i#e seein"
your +i" +rother a!! +eat<up.> %s I !ay there, !istenin" to the murmurs o my
riends, two con7ictin" emotions we!!ed up in me. First, I e!t a "iant wa$e o
"ratitude. But then I e!t a second wa$e, o an"er, and that second swe!! o ee!in"
met the ;rst one !i#e two wa$es co!!idin". I was a!i$e, and I was mad, and I
cou!dn.t ee! the one without ee!in" the other. I was a!i$e enou"h to be mad. I
was ;"htin" mad, swin"in" mad, mad in "enera!, mad at +ein" in a +ed, mad at
ha$in" +anda"es around my head, mad at the tu+es that tied me down. So mad I
was +eside myse!. So mad I a!most +e"an to cry. *hris *armichae! "ra++ed my
hand. By now *hris and I had +een to"ether or si8 years, and there was nothin"
we cou!dn.t te!! each other, no ee!in" we cou!dn.t admit to. >How you doin"G> he
as#ed. >I.m "reat.> >O#ay. /ow, rea!!y, how do you ee!G> >*hris, I.m doin" "reat.>
>6eah, ri"ht.> >*hris, you don.t understand,> I said, startin" to cry. >I.m "!ad a+out
this. 6ou #now whatG I like it !i#e this. I !i#e the odds stac#ed a"ainst me, they
a!ways ha$e +een, and I don.t #now any other way. It.s such bullshit, +ut it.s @ust
one more thin" I.m "oin" to o$ercome. This is the on!y way I want it.>
I R3M%I/30 I/ TH3 I*5 O23R/I)HT. %T O/3 4OI/T, % nurse handed me a tu+e
and to!d me to +reathe into it. The tu+e was attached to a "au"e with a !itt!e red
+a!!, and it was supposed to measure my !un" capacity, to ma#e sure the
anesthesia hadn.t done somethin" to my !un"s.
>Breathe into this,> the nurse said. >/ow, don.t worry i you on!y "et the +a!! up
one or two notches.> >Lady, are you #iddin" meG> I said. >I do this or a !i$in". )i$e
me that uc#er.> I "ra++ed the tu+e and +reathed into it. The +a!! shot strai"ht to
the top. I it had had a +e!!, it wou!d ha$e "one 4I/)P I handed it +ac# to her.
>0on.t e$er +rin" that thin" in here a"ain,> I said. >My !un"s are ;ne.> The nurse
!et without a word. I !oo#ed o$er at my mother. My mother has a!ways #nown I
ha$e a mouth on me, and I ;"ured I wou!d hear rom her +ecause I had +een so
rude to the nurse. But my mother was "rinnin" as i I had @ust won another trip!e
crown. She saw it or herse!: nothin" was wron" with me. I was ri"ht +ac# to
norma!. >That.s my +oy,> she said. >Son, you.re "oin" to +e @ust ;ne.> TH3 /3KT
MOR/I/) I R3T5R/30 TO M6 R3)5L%R room to +e"in chemotherapy. I wou!d stay
in the hospita! or si8 more days, recei$in" treatment, and the resu!ts wou!d +e
critica!. I was sti!! readin" up on cancer, and I #new that i the chemo didn.t arrest
the disease, I mi"ht not ma#e it, no matter how successu! the +rain sur"ery had
+een. %!! o the +oo#s spe!!ed out my status succinct!y. >4atients whose disease
pro"resses durin" cisp!atin<+ased chemotherapy ha$e a poor pro"nosis with any
orm o treatment,> one +oo# said. I 7ipped throu"h an academic study on
testicu!ar cancer that !isted $arious treatments and sur$i$a! rates, and in the
mar"ins I made ca!cu!ations and notes with a penci!. But sti!!, it a!! came down to
the same thin": >Fai!ure to achie$e comp!ete remission with initia! chemotherapy
is associated with a poor sur$i$a!,> the artic!e stated. So there it was in a nutshe!!:
the chemo wou!d either wor#1or not. There was nothin" to do +ut sit in +ed and
!et the to8ins seep into my +ody1and +e a+used +y nurses with need!es. One
thin" they don.t te!! you a+out hospita!s is how they $io!ate you. It.s !i#e your +ody
is no !on"er your own, it +e!on"s to the nurses and the doctors, and they are ree
to prod you and orce thin"s into your $eins and $arious openin"s. The catheter
was the worstA it ran up my !e" into my "roin, and ha$in" it put in and then ta#en
out a"ain was a"oni'in". In a way, the sma!!, norma! procedures were the most
awu! part o i!!ness. %t !east or the +rain sur"ery I.d +een #noc#ed out, +ut or
e$erythin" e!se, I was u!!y awa#e, and there were +ruises and sca+s and need!e
mar#s a!! o$er me, in the +ac#s o my hands, my arms, my "roin. ,hen I was
awa#e, the nurses ate me a!i$e. Shapiro came +y and said the sur"ery had +een a
comp!ete success: they had remo$ed the !esions, and there was no si"n o more. I
had no inte!!ectua! or co"niti$e distur+ances, and my coordination was ;ne. >/ow
it.s a matter o hopin" !i#e he!! it doesn.t come +ac#,> he said.
T,3/T6<FO5R HO5RS %FT3R BR%I/ S5R)3R6, I ,3/T out to dinner. %s Shapiro
promised, I re+ounded rom the operation =uic#!y. That e$enin", my mother, Lisa,
Och, *hris, and Bi!! he!ped me out o +ed to ta#e me across the street to the Roc#
Bottom Restaurant and Brewery. Shapiro hadn.t to!d us there was anythin" we
cou!d or cou!dn.t do, and I wanted to stic# to the nutritiona! p!an, so I put on a
stoc#in" cap to hide my +anda"es and we !et the hospita!. Bi!! had e$en "otten us
tic#ets to an Indiana 4acers /B% "ame, and o-ered to ta#e me, +ut that was a +it
much. I did o#ay throu"h most o the dinner, +ut toward the dessert I didn.t ee!
so "ood, so we s#ipped the "ame and I went +ac# to my sic#+ed. The ne8t day,
Shapiro came +y the room to remo$e the +anda"es rom my wounds. %s he
unwound the "au'e, I cou!d ee! the a+ric tearin" away rom the stap!es, as
thou"h somethin" was nippin" at me. Then he pu!!ed it o-. I !oo#ed in the mirror. I
had stap!es runnin" in cur$es across my sca!p, !i#e two circ!ed
'ippers. Shapiro said, >I.$e done my part.> I studied the stap!es in the mirror. I
#new that Shapiro had used titanium screws to put my s#u!! +ac# to"ether
+eneath my s#in. Titanium is an a!!oy used in some !i"hter<wei"ht +i#es. >May+e
it.!! ma#e me c!im+ +etter,> I @o#ed. Shapiro +ecame a "ood riend, and he
continued to drop +y my room to see how I was doin" o$er the ne8t months o
treatments. It was a!ways "ood to see him, no matter how s!eepy or nauseated I
was. Larry 3inhorn returned rom %ustra!ia, and $isited me, too. He was terri+!y
+usy, +ut he made time to see me periodica!!y, and participated in my treatment.
He, !i#e 0r. /icho!s and 0r. Shapiro, was one o those physicians who ma#e you
understand the meanin" o the word >hea!er.> I +e"an to thin# that they #new
more a+out !ie and death than most peop!eA they had a $iew o humanity that
others didn.t, +ecause they sur$eyed so much emotiona! !andscape. They not on!y
saw peop!e !i$e and die, they witnessed how we hand!ed those two
circumstances, unmas#ed, with a!! o our irrationa! optimism and ear and
incredi+!e stren"th, on a dai!y +asis. >I.$e seen wonderu!, positi$e peop!e not
ma#e it in the end,> 0r. 3inhorn said. >%nd some o the most misera+!e, ornery
peop!e sur$i$e to resume their ornery !i$es.> I B3)%/ TO )3T )OO0 /3,S. /O/3
OF M6 S4O/SORS was +ai!in" out on me. Bi!! and I +raced or the ca!!s to start
comin" in, +ut they ne$er did. %s the days went on, a!! we heard rom /i#e, )iro,
Oa#!ey, and Mi!ton<Brad!ey were words o support. My re!ationship with /i#e went
+ac# to when I was a hi"h<schoo! runner and a triath!ete, and thou"ht their
pro"ressi$e messa"es were coo! and their ath!etes the most hip. But I ne$er
;"ured I.d +e a /i#e "uy, +ecause I didn.t p!ay in 0od"er Stadium, or So!diers
Fie!d, or Ro!and )arros1instead I p!ayed on the roads o France, Be!"ium, and
Spain. Sti!!, when my career too# o-, I as#ed Bi!! Stap!eton to see i he cou!d "et
me a /i#e dea! +ecause I yearned to +e!on" to their company. In CEEF, ri"ht
+eore I was dia"nosed, /i#e o-ered me an endorsement contract to wear their
shoes and "!o$es. I instant!y +ecame c!ose riends with Scott Mac3achern, the
/i#e representati$e assi"ned to cyc!in", and so it was no accident that he was one
o the ;rst peop!e I to!d a+out my cancer. In my con$ersation with Scott that ni"ht
ater returnin" home rom 0r. Ree$es. oHce, a!! the horri+!e emotions I had
suppressed +ro#e !oose. I started cryin" as I to!d Scott the who!e story, a+out the
pain in my "roin, and the shoc# o the chest K ray. %ter a whi!e, I stopped cryin".
There was a moment o si!ence on the other end o the !ine, and then Scott spo#e
ca!m!y, a!most casua!!y. >,e!!, don.t worry a+out us,> he said. >,e.re with you.>
It was a tiny hopeu! seed o a ee!in"A may+e I wasn.t tota!!y ruined and a!one.
Scott was true to his wordA /i#e didn.t desert me. %s I "ot sic#er, it meant
e$erythin". ,hat.s more, my other sponsors responded the same way. One +y
one, I heard the same sentiments rom )iro, Oa#!ey, and Mi!ton<Brad!ey. They
wou!d not on!y stay with me, somethin" e$en more remar#a+!e happened. Bi!! was
desperate o$er the matter o my hea!th co$era"e. He had !oo#ed or some way I
cou!d c!aim co$era"e, +ut it seemed hope!ess. Bi!! pic#ed up the phone and ca!!ed
Mi#e 4arne!!, the *3O o Oa#!ey. He e8p!ained what had happened. Hesitant!y, Bi!!
as#ed Mi#e i they cou!d he!p me. Mi#e said he wou!d arran"e or me to +e
co$ered. Sudden!y, I had reason or optimism. But then the hea!th care pro$ider
+a!#edA I had a pree8istin" condition and thereore they were not o+!i"ed to co$er
my cancer treatments. Mi#e 4arne!! pic#ed up the phone and ca!!ed the pro$ider.
He inormed them that i they did not co$er my medica! treatments, his entire ;rm
wou!d ta#e its +usiness e!sewhere. >*o$er him,> he said. The pro$ider sti!! +a!#ed.
>I don.t thin# you understand what I @ust said,> Mi#e said. They co$ered me.
I.!! spend the rest o my !ie tryin" to ade=uate!y con$ey what it meant to me, and
I.!! +e an Oa#!ey, /i#e, and )iro ath!ete or as !on" as I !i$e. They paid my
contracts in u!!, e$ery sin"!e one1e$en thou"h each o them had the ri"ht to
terminate the dea!1and none o them e$er so much as as#ed me a+out when I
wou!d ride a +i#e a"ain. In act, when I went to them and said, >Hey, I.$e started
this cancer oundation Vmore a+out that !aterW and I need some money to sta"e a
charity +i#e race,> e$ery sin"!e one o them stepped orward to he!p. So don.t ta!#
to me a+out the co!d wor!d o +usiness. *ancer was teachin" me dai!y to e8amine
my e!!ow human +ein"s more deep!y, to throw out my pre$ious assumptions and
o$ersimp!i;cations. The "ood news continued throu"h that wee# in the hospita!.
%ter a coup!e o days o chemo, my +!ood counts impro$ed. The mar#ers were
a!!in", which meant that the cancer was reactin" to the dru"s. I sti!! had a !on"
hard pu!! ahead o me, and I was +e"innin" to ee! the side e-ects /icho!s had
warned me o. %s I approached the end o the wee#, the euphoria o comin"
throu"h +rain sur"ery wore o-, and the sic#ness o iosamide too# o$er. It "a$e
me a constant poisoned sensation and !et me so wea# that a!! I wanted to do was
stare at the wa!! or s!eep. %nd this was @ust the start o itA there were two more
cyc!es yet to come. Se$en days ater the +rain sur"ery, I went home. I wou!d +e
+ac# in the hospita! soon enou"h. But at !east I was +e"innin" to ta!# this thin"
down to si'e.
six
*H3MO
TH3 T53STIO/ ,%S, ,HI*H ,O5L0 TH3 *H3MO #i!! ;rst: the cancer, or meG My
!ie +ecame one !on" I2 drip, a sic#enin" routine: i I wasn.t in pain I was $omitin",
and i I wasn.t $omitin", I was thin#in" a+out what I had, and i I wasn.t thin#in"
a+out what I had, I was wonderin" when it was "oin" to +e o$er. That.s chemo or
you. The sic#ness was in the detai!s, in the nasty asides o the treatment. *ancer
was a $a"ue sense o unwe!!ness, +ut chemo was an end!ess series o speci;c
horrors, unti! I +e"an to thin# the cure was as +ad as, or worse than, the disease.
,hat a casua! +ystander associates with cancer1!oss o hair, a sic#!y pa!!or, a
wastin" away1are actua!!y the side e-ects o the treatment. *hemo was a
+urnin" in my $eins, a matter o +ein" s!ow!y eaten rom the inside out +y a
destroyin" ri$er o po!!utants unti! I didn.t ha$e an eye!ash !et to +at. *hemo was
a continuous cou"h, hac#in" up +!ac# chun#s o mysterious, tar<!i#e matter rom
deep in my chest. *hemo was a constant, dou+!in"<o$er need to "o to the
+athroom. To cope with it, I ima"ined I was cou"hin" out the +urned<up tumors. I
en$isioned the chemo wor#in" on them, sin"ein" them, and e8pe!!in" them rom
my system. ,hen I went to the +athroom I endured the acid stin" in my "roin +y
te!!in" myse! I was peein" out dead cancer ce!!s. I suppose that.s how you do it.
They.$e "ot to "o somewhere, don.t theyG I was cou"hin" up cancer, pissin" it
out, "ettin" rid o it e$ery way I #new how. I had no !ie other than chemo. My o!d
orms o #eepin" dates and time e!! +y the wayside, su+stituted or +y treatment
re"imens. I spent e$ery ma@or ho!iday that a!! and winter either on a chemo cyc!e
or
reco$erin" rom one. I spent Ha!!oween ni"ht with an I2 in me and passed out
+a"s o candy to the nurses. I went home or Than#s"i$in" and recuperated on my
couch whi!e my mother tried to persuade me to eat a ew +ites o tur#ey. I s!ept
CD to CB hours a ni"ht, and when I was awa#e, I was in a un# that e!t !i#e a
com+ination o @et !a" and a han"o$er. *hemo has a cumu!ati$e e-ectA I
underwent our cyc!es in the space o three months, and to8ins +ui!t up in my
+ody with each phase. %t ;rst it wasn.t so +adA +y the end o the second set o
treatments I @ust e!t sic#ish and constant!y s!eepy. I wou!d chec# into the
Indianapo!is medica! center on a Monday, and ta#e ;$e hours o chemo or ;$e
strai"ht days, ;nishin" on Friday. ,hen I wasn.t on chemo, I was attached to a B?<
hour I2 drip o sa!ine and a chemica! protectant to shie!d my immune system rom
the most to8ic e-ects o iosamide, which is particu!ar!y dama"in" to the #idneys
and the +one marrow. But +y the third cyc!e I was on my hands and #nees ;"htin"
nausea. % wa$e wou!d come o$er me, and I.d ee! as i a!! o my $ita! or"ans had
"one +ad inside my +ody. By the ourth cyc!e1the hi"hest num+er prescri+ed or
cancer patients, and on!y in the most se$ere cases1I was in the eta! position,
retchin" around the c!oc#. 0r. /icho!s o-ered to !et me do the chemo as an
outpatient in %ustin. >6ou can do it at home and we.!! consu!t,> he said. But I
insisted on commutin" to Indianapo!is so that I cou!d +e constant!y monitored. >I I
"et sic#er, I want you to +e a+!e to see it,> I to!d him. >%nd i I "et +etter, I want
you to see that, too.> *hemo didn.t !oo# !i#e anythin". It was hard to +e!ie$e that a
su+stance so dead!y cou!d appear so innocuous. The dru"s came in three c!ear
p!astic :Dcc +a"s, !a+e!ed with my name, the date, the dose, and the $o!ume o
7uid. The si!$ery c!ear !i=uids 7oated harm!ess!y in their p!astic containers,
without any precipitate. They cou!d @ust as easi!y ha$e +een +a"s o su"ar water.
The "i$eaway was the pair o hea$y !ate8 "!o$es the nurse used to hand!e the
+a"s, and the stamp that said >Ha'ardous Materia!s.> The nurse wou!d insert
tu+in" into a +a", and inuse it throu"h another tu+e into my catheter, and thus
into my +!oodstream. One +a" too# an hour, another too# ED minutes, and the
!ast one too# MD. But those !i=uids were so destructi$e they cou!d !itera!!y
e$aporate a!! o the +!ood in my +ody. I e!t !i#e my $eins were +ein" scoured out.
The medica! e8p!anation or the sensation I e8perienced was mye!o<suppression,
the most re=uent and se$ere side e-ect o chemotherapy, which is the inhi+ition
o red +!ood ce!! production and maturation. *hemo wea#ens your +!ood. 0urin"
the third cyc!e, my hematocrit1 the percenta"e o tota! +!ood $o!ume 7owin"
throu"h my +ody1e!! to !ess than B:, and the norma! count is ?F. Ironica!!y, I was
"i$en a red +!ood ce!! +ooster ca!!ed 3po"en N34OO. In any other situation, ta#in"
34O wou!d "et me in trou+!e with the Internationa! *yc!in" 5nion and the
Internationa! O!ympic *ommittee, +ecause it.s considered perormance<
enhancin". But in my case, the 34O was hard!y that. It was the on!y thin" that
#ept me a!i$e. *hemo doesn.t @ust #i!! cancer1it #i!!s hea!thy ce!!s, too. It attac#ed
my +one marrow, my musc!e, my teeth, and the !inin"s o my throat and my
stomach, and !et me open to a!! #inds o inections. My "ums +!ed. I "ot sores in
my mouth. %nd o course I !ost my appetite, which was a potentia!!y serious
pro+!em. ,ithout enou"h protein, I wou!dn.t +e a+!e to re+ui!d tissue ater chemo
had eaten throu"h my s#in, my hair, and my ;n"ernai!s. Mornin"s were hardest. I
wou!d ;nish a treatment short!y +eore dinner. I.d try to eat somethin", and then
I.d !ie in +ed, watchin" te!e$ision or $isitin" with my riends. The dru"s wou!d
penetrate into my system throu"h the ni"ht, and I wou!d wa#e up the ne8t day in
a thic# c!oud o nausea. There was on!y one thin" I cou!d to!erate: app!e ritters
rom the hospita! caeteria. It was stran"e, +ut the crispy dou"h, the icy su"ar,
and the @am<!i#e app!e ;!!in" were soothin" on my ton"ue and stomach. 3$ery
mornin" &im Ochowic' wou!d show up with a +o8 u!! o them. He.d sit at the oot
o the +ed, and we.d eat them to"ether. Och +rou"ht me those ritters e$ery
sin"!e day, !on" past the point when I was capa+!e o actua!!y eatin" them. *hemo
was !one!y. My mother ;na!!y went home to 4!ano ater the +rain sur"eryA she had
e8hausted her $acation time and cou!dn.t a-ord to ta#e an unpaid !ea$e. She
hated to "oA she thou"ht that @ust +y +ein" there she cou!d ma#e a di-erence.
,hen I was in hi"h schoo! she used to +e!ie$e that i she #ept watch o$er me,
nothin" +ad cou!d happen to me. ,hen a norther wou!d hit 4!ano and the streets
iced o$er, my +uddies and I used to "o to the 4!ano 3ast par#in" !ot, tie a snow
disc to the +ac# o a car, and tow each other around. My mother wou!d dri$e up
and watch us rom her car. >I ee! !i#e i I.m here I can #eep you rom "ettin" hurt,>
she said. She e!t the same way a+out chemo, +ut she didn.t ha$e a choice. Och
too# her p!ace, my surro"ate parent and my most constant +edside companion.
He made the !on" dri$e o$er rom ,isconsin and sat with me or e$ery cyc!e, day
in and day out. Och understood the s!ow, corrosi$e e-ects o the chemo on a
patient.s spirit, +ecause he had !ost his ather to cancer. He #new how
demora!i'in" the treatment was, and how tedious, and he tire!ess!y sou"ht ways
to di$ert me. He tau"ht me how to p!ay Hearts, and he sat ne8t to my +ed,
dea!in" the cards or hours on end, with Bi!! and Lisa ma#in" up a oursome. He
read the newspaper and the mai! to me when I was too sic# to read it myse!. He
too# me or wa!#s around the hospita!, whee!in" my I2 po!e, whi!e we ta!#ed a+out
e$erythin" rom cyc!in" to Internet stoc#s. One aternoon, we ta!#ed a+out death.
,e sat in the sun on a +ench outside the medica! center. >Och, I don.t ee! ready
to "o, I thin# I.m supposed to !i$e,> I said. >I.m not araid to die i I ha$e to. But I.m
sti!! not con$inced I can.t +eat this thin".> But chemo e!t !i#e a #ind o !i$in"
death. I wou!d !ie in +ed ha!<as!eep, and !ose trac# o time, inc!udin" whether it
was day or ni"ht1 and I didn.t !i#e that. It was disorientin" and made me ee! as i
thin"s were s!ippin" out o @oint, "ettin" away rom me. Och created a routine so I
cou!d "au"e the time. He +rou"ht my app!e ritters or +rea#ast, and chatted with
me unti! I do'ed o- in the midd!e o a sentence. My chin wou!d a!! on my chest,
and Och wou!d tiptoe out o the room. % ew hours !ater he wou!d come +ac# with
a p!ate o $e"eta+!es or !unch, or a sandwich he had +ou"ht outside the hospita!.
%ter !unch, we wou!d p!ay cards unti! I passed out a"ain, my head noddin" and
my eye!ids 7utterin". Och wou!d ta#e the cards out o my hand and put them +ac#
in the dec#, and tiptoe sot!y out.
Bi!! and Lisa were a!so there or e$ery cyc!e, and others 7oated in and out o townA
!oya! sponsors and o!d riends too# turns showin" up. Och, Bi!!, and Lisa were the
core "roup, my socia! chairmen. 3$ery e$enin", the three o them wou!d +rin" me
some dinner, or, i I e!t we!! enou"h, I wou!d wa!# with them down to the
caeteria, dra""in" my !itt!e I2 cart +ehind me. But I was ne$er rea!!y up or the
mea!A it was @ust to +rea# the monotony. %terward we.d watch some T2 unti! I
+e"an to do'e, and then they wou!d !ea$e me at a+out 9 4.M., and I wou!d +e
a!one or the ni"ht. It +ecame a ritua! or the three o them to eat to"ether, a!on"
with any other $isitors who had come to see me, !i#e *hris *armichae! or Scott
Mac3achern. They wou!d "o to the 4a!omino 3uro Bistro, or to a "reat o!d
stea#house named St. 3!mo, and aterward they.d "o to the +ar at the *anter+ury
Hote! and smo#e ci"ars. It was e$erythin" I wou!d ha$e en@oyed, i I hadn.t +een
sic#. In the e$enin" when they "ot ready to !ea$e, I.d say accusin"!y, >6ou "uys
are "oin" to drin# your asses o- a"ain, aren.t youG>
,H3/ L%TRI*3 *%M3 I/ TO )I23 M3 TH3 *H3MO, /O matter how sic# I was, I
wou!d sit up and +e as attenti$e as I cou!d. >,hat are you puttin" in meG> I.d as#.
>,hat.s the mi8G> By now I cou!d read a chest K ray as we!! as any doctor cou!d,
and I #new a!! the terms and anti<nausea dosa"es. I =ui''ed LaTrice on them, and
to!d her what e!t +etter or worse rom the standpoint o nausea. I.d say, >Try a
!itt!e !ess o this.> Or, >)i$e me a !itt!e more o that.> I was not a comp!iant cancer
patient. I was sa!ty, a""ressi$e, and pesterin". I persona!i'ed the disease. >The
Bastard,> I ca!!ed it. I made it my enemy, my cha!!en"e. ,hen LaTrice said, >0rin#
;$e "!asses o water in a day,> I dran# ;teen, drainin" them one ater the other
unti! the water ran down my chin. *hemo threatened to depri$e me o my
independence and se!<determination, and that was "a!!in". I was tied to an I2
po!e or B? hours a day, and it was a hard thin" or me to cede contro! to my
nurses and doctors. I insisted on +eha$in" as i I was a u!! participant in the cure.
I o!!owed the +!ood wor# and the K rays c!ose!y, and +ad"ered LaTrice as i I were
the )rand In=uisitor. >,ho are my nurses today, LaTriceG> >,hat.s that dru"
ca!!ed, LaTriceG> >,hat does that one do, LaTriceG> I =uestioned her constant!y, as
i somehow I was the one in char"e. LaTrice coordinated the chemo with the
nurses on the unit: she made out my schedu!e and the anti<emetic re"ime, and
mana"ed the symptoms. I #ept trac# o e$erythin", I #new e8act!y what I was
supposed to "et, and when, and I noticed e$ery s!i"ht
$ariation in the routine. LaTrice adopted an air o e8a""erated patience with me.
This was a typica! day or her: >,hat dose am I "ettin", LaTriceG> I.d as#. >,hat.s
that +ased onG> >%m I "ettin" the same thin" as yesterdayG> >,hy am I "ettin" a
di-erent oneG> >,hat time do we start, LaTriceG> >,hen do I ;nish, LaTriceG>
I made a "ame out o timin" the comp!etion o treatments. I wou!d !oo# at my
wristwatch, and stare at the I2 +a"s as they emptied into my +ody +y drop!ets. I
tried to ca!cu!ate the rate o drip, and time the end o the treatment down to the
!ast second. >,hen, e8act!y, is my !ast drop, LaTriceG> %s the time went on,
LaTrice and I de$e!oped a #iddin" re!ationship. I accused her o withho!din" anti<
emetics out o crue!ty. They were a!! that #ept me rom crin"in" with i!!ness rom
the chemo. But I cou!d on!y ha$e a dose e$ery our hours, so I.d hass!e LaTrice or
more. >I can.t "i$e you more,> she.d say. >6ou "ot it three hours a"o, you.$e @ust
"ot an hour !et.> >*ome on, LaTrice. 6ou run the show around here. 6ou #now you
can do it. 6ou @ust don.t want to.> 3$ery once in a whi!e, I.d "i$e in to the retchin",
and $omit so hard I thou"ht I mi"ht pass out. >I ee! much +etter now,> I.d te!!
LaTrice, sarcastica!!y, once I was throu"h. Sometimes ood tri""ered me,
especia!!y +rea#ast ood. Fina!!y, I stopped them rom +rin"in" the tray at a!!. One
mornin" I stared +a!eu!!y at a p!ateu! o e""s that seemed hope!ess!y "ooey and
toast that !oo#ed !i#e p!aster+oard, and I e8p!oded. >,hat is this shitG> I said.
>LaTrice, wou!d you eat thisG Loo# at this. 6ou eed this to peop!eG *an someone
p!ease "et me somethin" to eat$ +
>Lance, you can ha$e whate$er you want,> LaTrice said serene!y. LaTrice "a$e as
"ood as she "ot. She wou!d tease me +ac#, e$en when I was too i!! to !au"h. >Is it
me, LanceG> LaTrice wou!d as# with e8a""erated sympathy. >%m I what.s ma#in"
you sic#G> I wou!d @ust "rin, sound!ess!y, and retch a"ain. ,e were +ecomin"
riends, comrades in chemo. Between cyc!es I went home to %ustin or two<wee#
rest periods to re"ain my stren"th, and LaTrice a!ways ca!!ed to chec# up on me
and ma#e sure I was drin#in" my 7uids. The chemo cou!d dama"e my urinary
tract, so she was a!ways ater me to hydrate. One ni"ht she ca!!ed when I was
oo!in" around in my carport with a present rom Oa#!ey. It was a sma!! remote<
contro! car made out o titanium that cou!d do up to 9D mi!es per hour.
>,hat.s that !oud +u''in" noiseG> she said.
>I.m in my "ara"e,> I said.
>,hat are you doin"G> she said.
>I.m p!ayin" with my toy car,> I said.
>O course you are,> she said.
O/3 0%6 I /OTI*30 STR%/)3 M%RKS O/ M6 SKI/, a!most !i#e aint +rown stains.
They were chemo +urns. The dru"s were scorchin" my tissues rom the inside out,
!ea$in" patches o disco!oration on my 7esh. By now I was we!! into the third
cyc!e, and I didn.t !oo# !i#e the same person. My physi=ue was shot, compared to
the one I entered the hospita! with. I too# ho++!in" wa!#s around the 7oor to "et a
!itt!e e8ercise, pushin" my I2 po!e, and I remem+er !oo#in" down at myse! in my
"own. It was as thou"h my +ody was +ein" steadi!y diminished: my musc!es were
sma!!er, and 7accid. #his is the real c.oy, I thou"ht. #his is what it means to be
sick.
>I need to stay in shape,> I.d murmur. >I need to stay in shape.> I #ept !osin"
wei"ht, no matter how hard I tried not to. I didn.t ha$e much to !ose to +e"in with
1I had a $ery !ow percent o +ody at, and the to8ins ate away at me !i#e a schoo!
oHsh, ni++!in". >LaTrice, I.m !osin" wei"ht,> I.d !ament. >,hat can I doG Loo# at
my musc!esP Loo# what.s happenin" to me. I need to ride. I.$e "ot to "et toned
+ac# up.> >Lance, it.s chemo,+ LaTrice wou!d say, in that supreme!y to!erant way.
>6ou.re "oin" to !ose, it.s automatic. *hemo patients !ose wei"ht.> I cou!dn.t +ear
to stay in +ed, dormant. %s I !ay in the sheets, doin" nothin", I e!t !i#e somethin"
that had washed up on a +each. >*an I e8ercise, LaTriceG> >0o you ha$e a "ym
here, LaTriceG> >Lance, this is a hospital,+ she.d say, with that "reat si"hin"
or+ear ance o hers. >Howe$er, or patients who ha$e to stay with us or a !on"
time, and or peop!e !i#e you, we do ha$e stationary +i#es.>
>*an I do thatG> I shot +ac#. LaTrice as#ed /icho!s or an o#ay to !et me use the
"ym, +ut /icho!s was re!uctant. My immune system was a!most none8istent, and I
wasn.t in any condition to wor# out. For a!! o her moc#in" e8asperation with me,
LaTrice seemed to sympathi'e with my rest!ess ur"e to mo$e. One aternoon I was
schedu!ed or an MRI scan to chec# my +rain, +ut the machines were u!!y +oo#ed,
so LaTrice sent me o$er to the near+y chi!dren.s hospita!, Ri!ey. %n under"round
tunne! o a+out a mi!e attached the two aci!ities, and the usua! way to transport
patients +etween them was either in an am+u!ance, or in a whee!chair $ia the
tunne!. But I was determined to wa!# to Ri!ey, not ride. I inormed the nurse who
showed up with a whee!chair, >/o way I.m "ettin" in that thin".> I to!d her we
wou!d +e ta#in" the tunne! to Ri!ey on oot, e$en i it meant wa!#in" a!! ni"ht.
LaTrice didn.t say a word. She @ust shoo# her head as I set o-. The nurse dra""ed
my I2 cart +ehind me. I shuSed s!ow!y throu"h the tunne!, there and +ac#. I
!oo#ed !i#e a stooped, !impin" o!d man. The round<trip too# o$er an hour. By the
time I "ot +ac# to my +ed, I was e8hausted and damp with sweat, +ut I was
triumphant. >6ou @ust had to do it di-erent,> LaTrice said, and smi!ed. It +ecame
the +i""est ;"ht o a!! @ust to mo$e. By the ;th strai"ht day o my third cyc!e o
chemo, I was no !on"er a+!e to ta#e my wa!#s around the ward. I had to !ie in +ed
or a u!! day unti! I re"ained enou"h stren"th to "o home. %n attendant turned up
Sunday mornin" with a whee!chair and o-ered me a ride to the !o++y to chec#
out. But I reused to "i$e in to it. I turned it down, an"ri!y. >/o way,> I said. >I.m
wa!#in" out o here.>
TH3 FR3/*HM%/ HO23R30 O23R M6 HOS4IT%L B30, attemptin" to present me
with a J:DD +ott!e o red wine as a to#en o his esteem. I stared at him rom the
depths o my narcotic ha'e, ha!<conscious and too nauseated to respond. I did
ha$e the presence o mind to X$onder why anyone wou!d waste an e8pensi$e
Bordeau8 on a cancer patient. %!ain Bondue was the director o the *o;dis racin"
or"ani'ation, and he had come to pay what appeared to +e a socia! ca!!. But I was
in no shape to ma#e po!ite con$ersationA I was in the !ate throes o my third cyc!e
o chemo, and I was death!y pa!e with dar# circ!es under my eyes. I had no hair or
eye+rows. Bondue spent a coup!e o aw#ward minutes p!ed"in" the support o the
team, and then too# his !ea$e. >Lance, we !o$e you,> he said. >,e.re "oin" to ta#e
care o you, I promise.> ,ith that, he said "ood+ye, and I s=uee'ed his hand. But
as he !et my +edside, Bondue "estured to Bi!! Stap!eton1he wanted him to come
outside or a con$ersation. Bi!! o!!owed Bondue into the ha!!way, and a+rupt!y,
Bondue to!d Bi!! he had come to discuss some +usiness matters, and they needed
to "o somep!ace pri$ate or a meetin". Stap!eton and Bondue and a third man, a
riend named 4au! Sher<wen who spo#e French and o-ered to
he!p interpret, "athered in a sma!!, dim!y !it conerence room in the hote! across
the street rom the hospita!. Bondue +e"an to chain<smo#e as he e8p!ained to Bi!!
in French that, re"retta+!y, *o;dis wou!d +e orced to rene"otiate my contract
+ecause o my i!!ness. My a"reement with the team was or JB.: mi!!ion o$er two
years1+ut that wou!d no !on"er +e possi+!e. Bi!! shoo# his head in conusion. >I.m
sorryG> he said. *o;dis had pu+!ic!y p!ed"ed to stand +y me whi!e I ou"ht the
i!!ness, he said. Sure!y this wasn.t the time to discuss contracts, not in the midd!e
o my chemotherapy. >,e !o$e LanceA we want to ta#e care o Lance,> Bondue
said in French. >But you ha$e to understand this is a cu!tura! thin", and peop!e in
France don.t understand how some+ody can "et paid when they.re not wor#in".>
Bi!! was stunned. He said, >I don.t +e!ie$e what I.m hearin".> Bondue pointed out
that my contract had a c!ause statin" I was re=uired to pass a medica!
e8amination. O+$ious!y, I was in no condition to do that. Thereore *o;dis had the
ri"ht to cance! the contract. They were o-erin" to rene"otiate, which they e!t was
"enerous under the circumstances. They wanted to honor part o it, +ut not a!!. I I
didn.t accept the new terms they o-ered, they wou!d orce me to under"o the
medica! e8am, and terminate the contract in its entirety. Bi!! stood up, !oo#ed
across the ta+!e, and said, >Fuc# you.> Bondue was start!ed. Bi!! said it a"ain.
>Fuc# you. I cannot +e!ie$e you came a!! the way here at a time !i#e this, and you
want me to "o +ac# in there and te!! him that now.> Bi!! was +eside himse!1not
so much that *o;dis wou!d try to e8tricate themse!$es rom the contract, which
they had the ri"ht to do, +ut at the timin", and the +ac#handedness o it. *o;dis
had made a statement to the wor!d that they wou!d stic# with me, and they had
reaped the a$ora+!e press or it, +ut +ehind c!osed doors was another matter. Bi!!
was ;erce!y protecti$e o me, and he 7at!y reused to raise the su+@ect with me
whi!e I was in the midst o chemo. >I.m not doin" it,> Bi!! said. >I.m not interested
in ta!#in" a+out this, not ri"ht now. 0o whate$er you "uys want to do, and !et it
p!ay out in the court o pu+!ic opinion.> Bondue was unmo$ed. Le"a!!y, he intoned,
sure!y Bi!! #new that we didn.t ha$e a !e" to stand on. *o;dis had the ri"ht to
terminate that $ery day. Instant!y. >6ou understand it.s su+@ect to the medica!
e8am,> Bondue said a"ain. Bi!! said, >%re you "oin" to send a doctor o$er hereG
%re you "oin" to send a doctor o$er here to do an e8amG> >,e!!, we mi"ht ha$e
to,> Bondue said. >)reat,> Bi!! said. >I.!! ha$e a!! the te!e$ision cameras there, and
you "uys #noc# yourse!$es out.> Bondue continued to insist that *o;dis was
wi!!in" to #eep me under some #ind o contract1+ut on!y i a set o conditions was
imposed. Bi!! ca!med down and tried to persuade Bondue that, despite my
appearance, I was "ettin" +etter. Sure!y they cou!d wor# somethin" outG But
Bondue was ;rm, and ater two more hours, they had "otten nowhere. Fina!!y, Bi!!
stood up to !ea$e. I *o;dis was pu!!in" the ru" out rom under me whi!e I was in
the hospita!, ;ne, he said, >I.!! !et the who!e wor!d #now you a+andoned him.>
%+rupt!y, Bi!! ended the meetin". >0o whate$er you ha$e to do,> he said. Sha#en,
Bi!! came +ac# to my hospita! room. He had +een "one or o$er three hours +y
now, so I #new somethin" was wron". %s soon as the door to my room opened, I
said, >,hatG> >/othin",> Bi!! said. >0on.t worry a+out it.> But I cou!d see +y the
!oo# on his ace that he was upset, and I suspected I #new the reason why.
>,hatG> >I don.t #now what to say,> Bi!! said. >They want to rene"otiate this thin",
and they.!! ma#e you ta#e a medica! e8am i they ha$e to.> >,e!!, what are we
"oin" to doG> >I.$e a!ready to!d them to uc# o-.> I thou"ht a+out it. >May+e we
shou!d @ust !et it "o,> I said, tired!y. I cou!dn.t he!p wonderin" i the rea! reason or
Bondue.s trip was to appraise my hea!th. I thou"ht then, and I sti!! thin#, that he
came to the hospita! with a choice to ma#e: i I !oo#ed hea!thy, then he wou!d ta#e
a positi$e attitude and !et the dea! stand, and i I !oo#ed $ery i!!, he wou!d ta#e the
hard<!ine approach and rene"otiate or terminate. ,e e!t that it was nothin" more
than a spy mission: see i %rmstron" is dyin". %pparent!y Bondue had ta#en one
!oo# at me and decided I was on my death+ed.
Bi!! was crushed, and apo!o"etic. >I.m sorry to "i$e you one more piece o +ad
news.> But I had more important thin"s to dwe!! on than *o;dis. 0on.t "et me
wron", I was worried a+out the money, and I was hurt +y their timin", and +y their
ha!hearted words o support. But on the other hand, I had a more immediate
pro+!em to concentrate on1not pu#in". Bi!! said, >,e.!! sta!!. ,e.!! #eep
ne"otiatin".> He thou"ht i he cou!d put them o- unti! Fe+ruary, I mi"ht @ust +e
hea!thy enou"h to pass the medica! e8am. >,e.!! @ust see how this p!ays out,> he
said. I @ust "runted, too nauseated to rea!!y care. I didn.t want to ta!# a+out it
anymore. O$er the ne8t three or our wee#s, *o;dis pressed the issue and made it
c!ear they weren.t +!uHn", they wou!d ha$e no pro+!em su+@ectin" me to a
medica! test. They wou!d 7y their own doctor o$er rom France and cance! the
entire contract. I continued to resist ta!#in" to Bi!! a+out it, +ecause I was at my
sic#est point in the chemo cyc!es. But Bi!! sat down in my room one day and said,
>Lance, they.re serious.> ,e had no choice +ut to accept whate$er terms they
"a$e me. In the end, *o;dis paid !ess than a third o the ori"ina! two<year contract
and re=uired an out c!ause or themse!$es or CEEI. It e!t !i#e a $ote o no
con;dence. It e!t !i#e they thou"ht I was dyin". I "ot the messa"e *o;dis was
sendin": I was a dead man. TH3 IRO/6 ,%S, TH3 ,ORS3 I F3LT, TH3 B3TT3R I
)OT. That was the chemo or you. By now I was so sic# there were times I cou!dn.t
ta!#. So sic# I cou!dn.t eat, cou!dn.t watch T2, cou!dn.t read my mai!, cou!dn.t e$en
spea# to my mother on the phone. One aternoon she ca!!ed me rom wor#. I
whispered, >Mom, I.m "oin" to ha$e to ta!# to you another time.> On the rea!!y
+ad days, I wou!d !ie on my side in +ed, wrapped in +!an#ets, ;"htin" the no8ious
roi!in" in my stomach and the e$er ra"in" under my s#in. I.d pee# out rom under
the +!an#ets and @ust "runt. The chemo !et me so o""y that my memory o that
time is s#etchy, +ut what I do #now or sure is that at my sic#est, I started to +eat
the thin". The doctors wou!d come in e$ery mornin" with the resu!ts o my !atest
+!ood<draw, and I +e"an to "et impro$ed resu!ts. One thin" uni=ue to the disease
is that the mar#er !e$e!s are e8treme!y te!!in". ,e trac#ed e$ery !itt!e 7uctuation
in my +!ood countA a s!i"ht rise or downturn in an H*) or %F4 mar#er was cause
or either concern or ce!e+ration. The num+ers had incredi+!e import or my
doctors and me. For instance, rom Octo+er B, when I was dia"nosed, to Octo+er
C?, when the +rain !esions were disco$ered, my H*) count had risen rom ?E,FDD
to EB,MID. In the ear!y days o my treatment, the doctors were so+er when they
came into my room1I cou!d te!! they were suspendin" @ud"ment. But "radua!!y
they +ecame more cheeru!: the tumor mar#ers +e"an to drop. Then they +e"an
to di$e. Soon they were in a +eautiu! ree a!!. In act, the num+ers were droppin"
so ast that the doctors were a !itt!e ta#en a+ac#. On a mani!a ;!e o!der, I #ept a
chart o my +!ood mar#ers. In @ust one three<wee# period in /o$em+er, they e!!
rom EB,DDD to around E,DDD. >6ou.re a responder,> /icho!s to!d me. I had opened
up a "ap on the ;e!d. I #new that i I was "oin" to +e cured, that was the way it
wou!d "o, with a +i" sur"in" attac#, @ust !i#e in a race. /icho!s said, >6ou.re ahead
o schedu!e.> Those num+ers +ecame the hi"h!i"ht o each dayA they were my
moti$ator, my ye!!ow @ersey. The ye!!ow @ersey is the "arment worn +y the !eader
o the Tour de France to distin"uish him rom the rest o the ;e!d. I +e"an to thin#
o my reco$ery !i#e a time tria! in the Tour. I was "ettin" eed+ac# rom my team
ri"ht +ehind me, and at e$ery chec#point the team director wou!d come o$er the
radio and say, >6ou.re thirty
seconds up.> It made me want to "o e$en aster. I +e"an to set "oa!s with my
+!ood, and I wou!d "et psyched up when I met them. /icho!s wou!d te!! me what
they hoped to see in the ne8t +!ood test, say a :D percent drop. I wou!d
concentrate on that num+er, as i I cou!d ma#e the counts +y menta!!y wi!!in" it.
>They.$e sp!it in ha!,> /icho!s wou!d say, and I wou!d ee! !i#e I had won
somethin". Then one day he said, >They.re a ourth o what they were.> I +e"an to
ee! !i#e I was winnin" the +att!e a"ainst the disease, and it made my cyc!in"
instincts #ic# in a"ain. I wanted to tear the !e"s o- cancer, the way I tore the !e"s
o- other riders on a hi!!. I was in a +rea#away. >*ancer pic#ed the wron" "uy,> I
+ra""ed to Ke$in Li$in"ston. >,hen it !oo#ed around or a +ody to han" out in, it
made a +i" mista#e when it chose mine. ,ig mista#e.> One aternoon 0r. /icho!s
came into my room and read me a new num+er: my H*) was @ust EF. It was a
s!am<dun#. From now on it was @ust a matter o "ettin" throu"h the !ast and most
to8ic part o the treatments. I was a!most we!!. But I sure didn.t ee! !i#e it. That
was chemo or you.
B%*K HOM3 I/ T3K%S B3T,33/ *H3MO *6*L3S I ,O5L0 "radua!!y reco$er some
stren"th, unti! I cou!d +e"in to mo$e a"ain. I cra$ed air and e8ercise. Friends
didn.t !et on how wea# I had +ecome. My out<o<town $isitors must ha$e +een
shoc#ed at my pa!e, wasted, +a!d appearance, +ut they hid it we!!. Fran#ie %ndreu
came to stay with me or a wee#, and *hris *armichae!, and 3ric Heiden, the
"reat O!ympic speeds#ater<turned<physician, and 3ddy Merc#8. They coo#ed or
me, and too# me on short wa!#s and +icyc!e rides. ,e.d !ea$e my ront door and
"o up a cur$in" aspha!t road that !ed to Mount Bonne!!, a cra""y pea# a+o$e the
%ustin ri$er+an#. /orma!!y my riends had to sprint to #eep up with my "ear<
mashin" and hammerin" peda! stro#es, +ut now we mo$ed at a craw!. I wou!d "et
winded on a comp!ete!y 7at road. I don.t thin# I had u!!y admitted the e-ect
chemotherapy had on my +ody. I came into the cancer ;"ht $ery +rash and ;t and
con;dent, and I cou!d see with each cyc!e that I was +ein" drained somewhat, +ut
I had no idea how incapacitatin" it tru!y was unti! I a!most co!!apsed in a
stran"er.s ront yard. Bi#e ridin" wasn.t part o 0r. /icho!s. recommendation. He
didn.t outri"ht or+id it, +ut he said, >This is not the time to try to maintain or
impro$e your ;tness. 0on.t stress your +ody.> I didn.t !isten1I was panic#ed at the
idea that I wou!d +e so deconditioned +y the chemo that I mi"ht ne$er reco$er. My
+ody was atrophyin". ,hen I e!t up to it, I wou!d say to Ke$in or Bart, >Let.s "o
out and ride the +i#e.> %t ;rst we wou!d ride or anywhere rom MD to :D mi!es,
and I pictured myse! as de;ant, indeati"a+!e, head down into the wind, racin"
a!on" a road. But in rea!ity the rides weren.t !i#e that at a!!A they were air!y
desperate and ee+!e acts. By the end o my treatments we wou!d ride or ha! an
hour, a simp!e !oop around the nei"h+orhood, and I to!d myse! that as !on" as I
cou!d do that, I was stayin" in to!era+!e shape. But then two incidents showed me
e8act!y how wea#ened I was. One aternoon I went out with Ke$in, Bart, and Bart.s
;ancee, Bar+ara, and a+out ha!way throu"h the ride we reached a short, steep
hi!!. I thou"ht I was #eepin" up, +ut the truth was, my riends were +ein" #ind. In
act, they were mo$in" so s!ow!y they a!most e!! o$er sideways on their +i#es.
Sometimes they wou!d pu!! ahead accidenta!!y, and I wou!d churn +ehind them,
!amentin", >6ou.re #i!!in" me.> They were careu! not to o$erwor# me, so I had
!itt!e concept o how ast or how s!ow we were "oin". I actua!!y thou"ht I was
stayin" with them as we wor#ed up the hi!!. %!! o a sudden, a ;"ure mo$ed up on
my !et. It was a woman in her :Ds on a hea$y mountain +i#e, and she went ri"ht
+y me. She cruised, without e$en +reathin" hard, whi!e I pu-ed and chu""ed on
my hi"h<perormance +i#e. I cou!dn.t #eep up with her. In cyc!in" terms it.s ca!!ed
"ettin" dropped. I was "i$in" it e$erythin", and I
cou!dn.t stay with her. 6ou oo! yourse!. 6ou oo! yourse! into thin#in" you mi"ht
+e ridin" aster and ee!in" +etter than you rea!!y are. Then a midd!e<a"ed woman
on a mountain +i#e passes you, and you #now e8act!y where you stand. I had to
admit I was in +ad shape. It +ecame an increasin" stru""!e to ride my +i#e
+etween the chemotherapy sessions, and I had to accept that it was no !on"er
a+out ;tness. /ow I rode pure!y or the sa#e o ridin"1and that was new or me.
To ride or on!y ha! an hour. I had ne$er "one out or such a tri$ia! amount o time
on a +i#e. I didn.t !o$e the +i#e +eore I "ot sic#. It was simp!e or me: it was my
@o+ and I was successu! at it. It was a means to an end, a way to "et out o 4!ano,
a potentia! source o wea!th and reco"nition. But it was not somethin" I did or
p!easure, or poetryA it was my proession and my !i$e!ihood, and my reason or
+ein", +ut I wou!d not ha$e said that I !o$ed it. I.d ne$er ridden @ust to ride in the
past1there had to +e a purpose +ehind it, a race or a trainin" re"imen. Beore, I
wou!dn.t e$en consider ridin" or @ust thirty minutes or an hour. Rea! cyc!ists don.t
e$en ta#e the +i#e out o the "ara"e i it.s on!y "oin" to +e an hour<!on" ride. Bart
wou!d ca!! up and say, >Let.s "o han" out and ride +i#es.> >,hat orG> I.d say. But
now I not on!y !o$ed the +i#e, I needed it. I needed to "et away rom my pro+!ems
or a !itt!e whi!e, and to ma#e a point to myse! and to my riends. I had a reason
or those rides: I wanted e$eryone to see that I was o#ay, and sti!! a+!e to ride1
and may+e I was tryin" to pro$e it to myse!, too. >How.s Lance doin"G> peop!e
wou!d say. I wanted my riends to say, >,e!!, he seems pretty "ood. He.s ridin" his
+i#e.> May+e I needed to te!! myse! that I was sti!! a rider, not @ust a cancer
patient, no matter how wea# I had +ecome. I nothin" e!se, it was my way o
counterin" the disease and re"ainin" the contro! it had stripped rom me. I can
still do this, I to!d myse!. I might not be able to do it like I used to, but I can still
do it. Then one day Ke$in and another riend and !oca! cyc!ist, &im ,oodman,
came o$er to ta#e me or our usua! !itt!e ride. I sti!! had the scars rom my sur"ery,
so I wore a he!met, and we mo$ed at a $ery s!ow pace, @ust id!in" a!on". %"ain, it
wasn.t anythin" I wou!d ha$e pre$ious!y c!assi;ed as a ride. ,e came to a sma!!
rise in the road, nothin" diHcu!t at a!!, @ust an inc!ine that re=uired you to rise
rom your seat and stro#e down on the peda!s once or twice. I.d done it a mi!!ion
times. 5p, down, and then sit and coast into a !et<hand turn, and you.re out o the
nei"h+orhood. I cou!dn.t do it. I "ot ha!way up the inc!ine, and I !ost my +reath.
My +i#e wo++!ed +eneath me, and I stopped, and put my eet down on the
pa$ement. I e!t aint. I tried to +reathe, +ut I cou!dn.t seem to draw in enou"h air
to re$i$e myse!. B!ac# and si!$er spec#s 7uttered +ehind my eyes. I dismounted.
Ke$in and &im whee!ed around and stopped short, concerned. I sat down on the
cur+ in ront o a stran"er.s house and dropped my head +etween my #nees.
Ke$in was at my side in an instant. >%re you o#ayG> he said. >&ust !et me catch my
+reath,> I whee'ed. >)o ahead without me, I.!! "et a ride home.> &im said, >May+e
we shou!d "et an am+u!ance.>
>/o,> I said. >&ust !et me sit here or a second.> I cou!d hear myse! tryin" to
+reathe. It sounded !i#e Whoo. Whoo. Sudden!y, e$en sittin" up e!t !i#e too much
e-ort. I e!t a rushin" !i"ht<headedness, simi!ar to the sensation you "et when you
stand up too =uic#!y1on!y I wasn.t standin". I !ay +ac# on the !awn, starin" at the
s#y, and c!osed my eyes. Is this dying$ Ke$in ho$ered o$er me, distrau"ht.
>LanceP> he said, !oud!y. >LanceP> I opened my eyes. >I.m ca!!in" the am+u!ance,>
he said, desperate!y. >/o,> I said, an"ri!y. >/o, no, I @ust need to rest.> >O#ay,
o#ay,> he said, ca!min" us +oth down. %ter a ew minutes, I "radua!!y reco$ered
my +reath. I sat up, and tried to pu!! myse! to"ether. I stood. I tentati$e!y
stradd!ed my +i#e. My !e"s e!t sha#y, +ut I was a+!e to ride downhi!!. ,e coasted
$ery s!ow!y +ac# the way we came, and made our way +ac# to my house. Ke$in
and &im rode ri"ht ne8t to me, ne$er ta#in" their eyes o- me.
Between deep +reaths, I e8p!ained to them what had happened. The chemo had
ro++ed me o hea!thy +!ood ce!!s and wiped out my hemo"!o+in count.
Hemo"!o+in transports o8y"en to your $ita! areas, and a norma! $a!ue o
hemo"!o+in or a ;t person is a+out CM to C:. I was at se$en. My +!ood was tota!!y
dep!eted. The chemo had attac#ed my +!ood re!ent!ess!y e$ery two wee#s,
Monday throu"h Friday, and I had ;na!!y o$erdone the +i#e ridin". I paid or it that
day. But I didn.t stop ridin".
TH3R3 %R3 %/)3LS O/ THIS 3%RTH %/0 TH36 *OM3 I/ su+t!e orms, and I
decided LaTrice Haney was one o them. Outward!y, she !oo#ed !i#e @ust another
eHcient, c!ip+oard<and<syrin"e<wie!din" nurse in a starched out;t. She wor#ed
e8treme!y !on" days and ni"hts, and on her o- hours she went home to her
hus+and, Randy, a truc# dri$er, and their two chi!dren, Tay!or, a"ed se$en, and
Mor"an, our. But i she was tired, she ne$er seemed it. She struc# me as a
woman utter!y !ac#in" in ordinary resentments, sure o her responsi+i!ities and
+!essin"s and unwa$erin" in her administerin" o care, and i that wasn.t an"e!ic
+eha$ior, I didn.t #now what was. Oten I.d +e a!one in the !ate aternoons and
e$enin"s e8cept or LaTrice, and i I had the stren"th, we.d ta!# serious!y. ,ith
most peop!e I was shy and terse, +ut I ound myse! ta!#in" to LaTrice, may+e
+ecause she was so "ent!e<spo#en and e8pressi$e herse!. LaTrice was on!y in her
!ate BDs, a pretty youn" woman with a co-ee<and<cream comp!e8ion, +ut she had
se!<possession and perception +eyond her years. ,hi!e other peop!e our a"e were
out ni"htc!u++in", she was a!ready the head nurse or the onco!o"y research unit.
I wondered why she did it. >My satisaction is to ma#e it a !itt!e easier or peop!e,>
she said. She as#ed me a+out cyc!in", and I ound myse! te!!in" her a+out the
+i#e with a sense o p!easure I hadn.t rea!i'ed I possessed. >How did you start
ridin"G> she as#ed me. I to!d her a+out my ;rst +i#es, and the ear!y sense o
!i+eration, and that cyc!in" was a!! I had done since I was CF. I ta!#ed a+out my
$arious teammates o$er the years, a+out their humor and se!7essness, and I
ta!#ed a+out my mother, and what she had meant to me. I to!d her what cyc!in"
had "i$en me, the tours o 3urope and the e8traordinary education, and the
wea!th. I showed her a picture o my house, with pride, and in$ited her to come
$isit, and I showed her snapshots o my cyc!in" career. She !eaed throu"h ima"es
o me racin" across the +ac#drops o France, Ita!y, and Spain, and she.d point to a
picture and as#, >,here are you hereG> I con;ded that I was worried a+out my
sponsor, *o;dis, and e8p!ained the diHcu!ty I was ha$in" with them. I to!d her I
e!t pressured. >I need to stay in shape, I need to stay in shape,> I said o$er and
o$er a"ain. >Lance, !isten to your +ody,> she said "ent!y. >I #now your mind wants
to run away. I #now it.s sayin" to you, .Hey, !et.s "o ride.. But !isten to your +ody.
Let it rest.> I descri+ed my +i#e, the e!e"ant hi"h perormance o the u!tra!i"ht
tu+in" and aerodynamic whee!s. I to!d her how much each piece cost, and
wei"hed, and what its purpose was. I e8p!ained how a +i#e cou!d +e +ro#en down
so I cou!d practica!!y carry it in my poc#et, and that I #new e$ery part and +it o it
so intimate!y that I cou!d ad@ust it in a matter o moments. I e8p!ained that a +i#e
has to ;t your +ody, and that at times I e!t me!ded to it. The !i"hter the rame,
the more responsi$e it is, and my racin" +i#e wei"hed @ust CI pounds. ,hee!s
e8ert centriu"a! orce on the +i#e itse!, I to!d her. The more centriu"a! orce, the
more momentum. It was the essentia! +ui!din" +!oc# o speed. >There are MB
spo#es in a whee!,> I said. Tuic#<re!ease !e$ers a!!ow you to pop the whee! out and
chan"e it =uic#!y, and my crew cou!d ;8 a 7at tire in !ess than CD seconds. >0on.t
you "et tired o !eanin" o$er !i#e thatG> she as#ed. 6es, I said, unti! my +ac# ached
!i#e it was +ro#en, +ut that was the price o speed. The hand!e+ars are on!y as
wide as the rider.s shou!ders, I e8p!ained, and they cur$e downward in ha!<moons
so you can assume an aerodynamic stance on the +i#e. >,hy do you ride on those
!itt!e seatsG> she as#ed. The seat is narrow, contoured to the anatomy, and the
reason is that when you are on it or si8 hours at a time, you don.t want anythin"
to chae your !e"s. Better a hard seat than the torture o sadd!e sores. 3$en the
c!othes ha$e a purpose. They are 7imsy or a reason: to mo!d to the +ody +ecause
you ha$e to wear them in weather that ran"es rom hot to hai!. Basica!!y, they.re a
second s#in. The shorts ha$e a chamois padded seat, and the stitches are
recessed to a$oid rash.
,hen I had nothin" !et to te!! LaTrice a+out the +i#e, I to!d her a+out the wind. I
descri+ed how it e!t in my ace and in my hair. I to!d her a+out +ein" in the open
air, with the $iews o soarin" %!ps, and the "!immer o $a!!ey !a#es in the distance.
Sometimes the wind +!ew as i it were my persona! riend, sometimes as i it were
my +itter enemy, sometimes as i it were the hand o )od pushin" me a!on". I
descri+ed the u!! sai! o a mountain descent, "!idin" on two whee!s on!y an inch
wide. >6ou.re @ust out there, ree,> I said. >6ou !o$e it,> she said. >6eahG> I said.
>Oh, I see it in your eyes,> she said. I understood that LaTrice was an an"e! one
e$enin" !ate in my !ast cyc!e o chemo. I !ay on my side, do'in" on and o-,
watchin" the steady, c!ear drip<drip o the chemo as it s!id into my $eins. LaTrice
sat with me, #eepin" me company, e$en thou"h I was +are!y a+!e to ta!#. >,hat
do you thin#, LaTriceG> I as#ed, whisperin". >%m I "oin" to pu!! throu"h thisG>
>6eah,> she said. >6eah, you are.> >I hope you.re ri"ht,> I said, and c!osed my eyes
a"ain. LaTrice !eaned o$er to me. >Lance,> she said, sot!y, >I hope someday to +e
@ust a ;"ment o your ima"ination. I.m not here to +e in your !ie or the rest o
your !ie. %ter you !ea$e here, I hope I ne$er see you e$er a"ain. ,hen you.re
cured, hey, !et me see you in the papers, on T2, +ut not +ac# here. I hope to he!p
you at the time you need me, and then I hope I.!! +e "one. 6ou.!! say, .,ho was
that nurse +ac# in IndianaG 0id I dream herG. > It is one o the sin"!e !o$e!iest
thin"s anyone has e$er said to me. %nd I wi!! a!ways remem+er e$ery +!essed
word.
O/ 03*3MB3R CM, CEEF, I TOOK M6 L%ST *H3MO treatment. It was a!most time to
"o home. Short!y +eore I recei$ed the ;na! dose o 2I4, *rai" /icho!s came +y to
see me. He wanted to ta!# with me a+out the !ar"er imp!ications o cancer. He
wanted to ta!# a+out >the o+!i"ation o the cured.> It was a su+@ect I had +ecome
deep!y immersed in. I had said to /icho!s and to LaTrice many times o$er the !ast
three months, >4eop!e need to #now a+out this.> %s I went throu"h therapy, I e!t
increasin" companionship with my e!!ow patients. Oten I was too sic# or much
socia!i'in", +ut one aternoon LaTrice as#ed me to "o to the chi!dren.s ward to ta!#
to a youn" +oy who was a+out to start his ;rst cyc!e. He was scared and se!<
conscious, @ust !i#e me. I $isited with him or a whi!e, and I to!d him, >I.$e +een so
sic#. But I.m "ettin" +etter.> Then I showed him my dri$er.s !icense. In the midst
o chemo, my !icense had e8pired. I cou!d ha$e put o- renewin" it unti! I e!t
+etter and had "rown some hair +ac#, +ut I decided not to. I pu!!ed on some
sweatc!othes and hau!ed myse! down to the 0epartment o Motor 2ehic!es, and
stood in ront o the camera. I was comp!ete!y +a!d, with no eye!ashes or
eye+rows, and my s#in was the co!or o a pi"eon.s under+e!!y. But I !oo#ed into the
!ens, and I smi!ed. >I wanted this picture so that when I "ot +etter, I wou!d ne$er
or"et how sic# I.$e +een,> I said. >6ou ha&e to ;"ht.> %ter that, LaTrice as#ed me
to spea# with other patients more and more oten. It seemed to he!p them to
#now that an ath!ete was ;"htin" the ;"ht a!on"side them. One aternoon LaTrice
pointed out that I was sti!! as#in" her =uestions, +ut the nature o them had
chan"ed. %t ;rst, the =uestions I had as#ed were strict!y a+out myse!, my own
treatments, my doses, my particu!ar pro+!ems. /ow I as#ed a+out other peop!e. I
was start!ed to read that ei"ht mi!!ion %mericans were !i$in" with some orm o
cancerA how cou!d I possi+!y ee! !i#e mine was an iso!ated pro+!emG >*an you
+e!ie$e how many peop!e ha$e thisG> I as#ed LaTrice.
>6ou.$e chan"ed,> she said, appro$in"!y. >6ou.re "oin" "!o+a!.> 0r. /icho!s to!d me
that there was e$ery si"n now that I was "oin" to +e amon" the !uc#y ones who
cheated the disease. He said that as my hea!th impro$ed, I mi"ht ee! that I had a
!ar"er purpose than @ust myse!. *ancer cou!d +e an opportunity as we!! as a
responsi+i!ity. 0r. /icho!s had seen a!! #inds o cancer patients +ecome dedicated
acti$ists a"ainst the disease, and he hoped I wou!d +e one o them. I hoped so,
too. I was +e"innin" to see cancer as somethin" that I was "i$en or the "ood o
others. I wanted to !aunch a oundation, and I as#ed 0r. /icho!s or some
su""estions a+out what it mi"ht accomp!ish. I wasn.t yet c!ear on what the e8act
purpose o the or"ani'ation wou!d +eA a!! I #new was that I e!t I had a mission to
ser$e others that I.d ne$er had +eore, and I too# it more serious!y than anythin"
in the wor!d. I had a new sense o purpose, and it had nothin" to do with my
reco"nition and e8p!oits on a +i#e. Some peop!e won.t understand this, +ut I no
!on"er e!t that it was my ro!e in !ie to +e a cyc!ist. May+e my ro!e was to +e a
cancer sur$i$or. My stron"est connections and ee!in"s were with peop!e who
were ;"htin" cancer and as#in" the same =uestion I was: >%m I "oin" to dieG> I
had ta!#ed to Ste$e ,o!- a+out what I was ee!in", and he said, >I thin# you were
ated to "et this type o i!!ness. One, +ecause may+e you cou!d o$ercome it, and
two, +ecause your potentia! as a human was so much "reater than @ust +ein" a
cyc!ist.> %t the end o my third cyc!e o chemo, I had ca!!ed Bi!! Stap!eton and said,
>*an you research what it ta#es to start a charita+!e oundationG> Bi!! and Bart
and another c!ose riend and amateur cyc!ist, &ohn Korioth, met with me one
aternoon at an %ustin restaurant to #ic# around some ideas. ,e had no idea how
to "o a+out !aunchin" a oundation, or how to raise money, +ut +y the end o the
!unch we came up with the idea o sta"in" a charity +icyc!e race around %ustin.
,e wou!d ca!! it the Ride or the Roses. I as#ed i anyone wou!d ha$e time to
o$ersee the pro@ect, and Korioth raised his hand. Korioth was a +artender at a
ni"htspot where I had hun" out some in my ormer !ie, and I wou!d e$en ta#e a
turn as a "uest +artender occasiona!!y. He said his schedu!e wou!d a!!ow him to
put some rea! time into it. It was the perect so!ution: we didn.t want a !ot o
o$erhead, and whate$er we raised, we wanted to "i$e strai"ht +ac# to the cause.
But I sti!! wasn.t c!ear on the +asic purpose o the oundation. I #new that +ecause
my case was such a cause celebre peop!e wou!d !isten, +ut I didn.t want the
oundation as a pu!pit or me persona!!y. I didn.t thin# I was specia!1and I wou!d
ne$er #now how much a part o my own cure I was. On the meanin" o it, I wasn.t
rea!!y c!ear. %!! I wanted to do was te!! peop!e, >Fi"ht !i#e he!!, @ust !i#e I did.> %s I
ta!#ed to 0r. /icho!s a+out how I cou!d he!p, I decided that I wanted the
oundation to in$o!$e research. I was so inde+ted to 0r. 3inhorn and 0r. /icho!s or
their erudition, I wanted to try to pay them +ac# in some sma!! way or a!! o the
ener"y and carin" that they and their sta- had put into my we!!<+ein". I
en$isioned a scienti;c ad$isory +oard that wou!d re$iew re=uests or undin" and
decide which ones were the +est and most worthy, and do!e the money out
accordin"!y. But there were so many ronts to the cancer ;"ht that I cou!dn.t ocus
so!e!y on one. I had a host o new riends who were in$o!$ed in the ;"ht, direct!y
and indirect!y, patients, doctors, nurses, ami!ies, and scientists, and I was
+e"innin" to ee! c!oser to them than to some cyc!ists I #new. The oundation
cou!d #eep me tied $ery c!ose!y to a!! o them. I wanted the oundation to maniest
a!! o the issues I had dea!t with in the past ew months: copin" with ear, the
importance o a!ternate opinions, thorou"h #now!ed"e o the disease, the
patient.s ro!e in cure, and a+o$e a!!, the idea that cancer did not ha$e to +e a
death sentence. It cou!d +e a route to a second !ie, an inner !ie, a +etter !ie.
%FT3R TH3 FI/%L *H3MO TR3%TM3/T, I ST%630 I/ TH3 hospita! or a coup!e more
days, reco$erin" my stren"th and tyin" up !oose ends. One o the !oose ends was
my catheter. The day that it was remo$ed was a momentous occasion or me,
+ecause I had +een !i$in" with it or near!y our months. I said to /icho!s, >Hey,
can we ta#e this thin" outG> He said, >Sure.> I e!t a sur"e o re!ie1i he a"reed to
ta#e it out, he must ha$e +een con;dent I wou!dn.t need it a"ain. /o more chemo,
hopeu!!y.
The ne8t day an intern came to my room and remo$ed that u"!y, torturous de$ice
rom my chest. But there were comp!icationsA the thin" had +een +uried in me or
so !on" that it had "rown into my s#in. The intern du" around, and cou!dn.t "et it
out. He had to ca!! in a more e8perienced doctor, who practica!!y ripped it out o
my chest. It was a"ony. I e$en ima"ined I heard a tearin" noise as it came out.
/e8t, the "ash it !et +ecame inected and they had to "o +ac# in and perorm a
day sur"ery to c!ean out the wound and sew me up a"ain. It was awu!, may+e the
worst e8perience o the who!e our months, and I was so mad when it was ;na!!y
o$er that I demanded the catheter. I wanted to #eep it, and I sti!! ha$e it, in a !itt!e
Qip!oc +a", a memento. There was one more detai! to discuss: /icho!s "a$e me a
;na! ana!ysis o my hea!th. I wou!d ha$e to "o throu"h a period o uncertainty.
Tuite oten the ;na! chemo treatment did not erase e$ery trace o cancer, and I
wou!d need month!y +!ood tests and chec#ups to ensure that the disease was in
u!! retreat. He warned me that my +!ood mar#ers were not =uite norma! and my
chest K ray sti!! showed si"ns o scar tissue rom the tumors. I was concerned.
/icho!s said, reassurin"!y, >,e see it a !ot. These are minor a+norma!ities, and
we.re hi"h!y con;dent they wi!! "o away.> I I was cured, the scar tissue and
mar#ers shou!d reso!$e themse!$es in time. But there was no "uaranteeA the ;rst
year was #ey. I the disease was "oin" to come +ac#, that.s when we wou!d see it.
I wanted to +e cured, and cured now. I didn.t want to wait a year to ;nd out. I
went +ac# home, and tried to piece my !ie +ac# to"ether. I too# it easy at ;rst,
@ust p!ayed a !itt!e "o! and wor#ed on p!ans or the oundation. %s my system
c!eaned out, my +ody didn.t seem +ro#en +y the chemo, I rea!i'ed with re!ie. But I
sti!! e!t !i#e a cancer patient, and the ee!in"s I.d he!d at +ay or the !ast three
months +e"an to surace. One aternoon I a"reed to p!ay a !itt!e "o! with Bi!!
Stap!eton and another riend o ours named 0ru 0unworth, who was a !ymphoma
sur$i$or, at a c!u+ ca!!ed Onion *ree#. My hair hadn.t "rown +ac# yet, and I wasn.t
supposed to "et a !ot o sun, so I put on one o those "ooy caps that you pu!!
down o$er your ears. I went into the pro shop to +uy some +a!!s. There was a
youn" "uy wor#in" +ehind the counter. He !oo#ed at me, smir#in", and said, >%re
you "oin" to wear that hatG> >6eah,> I said short!y. >0on.t you thin# it.s warm out
thereG> he said. I ripped the hat o- so he cou!d see that I was +a!d and scarred,
and !eaped across the counter. >6ou see these uc#in" scarsG> I snar!ed. The "uy
+ac#ed away. >That.s why I.m "oin" to wear that hat,> I said. >Because I ha$e
cancer.> I pu!!ed the cap on and I sta!#ed out o the shop, so an"ry I was
trem+!in". I was tense, admitted!y. I sti!! spent a !ot o time at the doctor.s oHces.
I had +!ood drawn each wee# +y 0r. 6ouman so the doctors in Indianapo!is cou!d
#eep trac# o me. I was constant!y monitored. ,ith an i!!ness !i#e cancer,
monitorin" is critica!, and you !i$e +y the resu!ts, the +!ood wor#, *T scans, MRIs.
6ou !i$e +y #nowin" your pro"ress. In my case, I.d had a ast<"rowin" cancer that
had "one away =uic#!y1 +ut it cou!d come +ac# @ust as =uic#!y. One day ater I
had +een +ac# in %ustin or a ew wee#s, LaTrice ca!!ed 0r. 6ouman or the
num+ers. %ter she wrote them down, she too# them to 0r. /icho!s. He !oo#ed at
the sheet o paper she had handed him, and he smi!ed and "a$e it +ac# to her.
>,hy don.t you ca!! him this time,> he said. LaTrice dia!ed my home phone. Li#e I
say, the num+ers were a!!<important or me, and I wou!d wait ner$ous!y +y the
phone or e$ery resu!t. I pic#ed up ri"ht away. >,e "ot the +!ood counts +ac#,>
LaTrice said.
>6eahG> I said, ner$ous!y.
>Lance, they.re norma!,> she said. I he!d the thou"ht up in my mind and !oo#ed at
it: I was no !on"er sic#. I mi"ht not stay that wayA I sti!! had a !on" year ahead o
me, and i the i!!ness returned it wou!d pro+a+!y happen in the ne8t CB months.
But or this moment, at !east or this +rie and price!ess moment, there wasn.t a
physica! trace o cancer !et in my +ody.
I didn.t #now what to say. I was araid i I opened my mouth, nothin" wou!d come
out +ut one !on", inarticu!ate shout o re!ie.
>I.m so "!ad I can +rin" you "ood news,> LaTrice said.
I si"hed.
seven
KIK
LO23 %/0 *%/*3R ,3R3 STR%/)3 companions, +ut in my case they came a!on"
at the same time. It was hard!y the idea! situation in which to meet my uture wie
1+ut that.s e8act!y what happened. ,hy do two peop!e "et marriedG For a uture
to"ether, natura!!y. The =uestion was whether or not I had one. I didn.t ha$e
cancer anymore, +ut I didn.t not ha$e it, either. I was in a state o an8iety ca!!ed
remission, and I was o+sessed with the idea o a re!apse. I wou!d wa#e up in the
ni"ht with phantom pains in my chest, and I.d !ie in +ed in the dar#ness, co$ered
in sweat and !istenin" to the sound o my own +reathin", con$inced the tumors
had come +ac#. The ne8t mornin" I.d "o direct!y to the doctor and as# or a chest
K ray to ca!m myse! down. >The chemo wor#s or it doesn.t,> 0r. 3inhorn once
said. >I it wor#s, the patient !i$es a norma!, cancer<ree !ie. I it doesn.t and the
cancer comes +ac#, he wi!! usua!!y +e dead in three or our months.> It was that
simp!e. )ettin" on with my !ie, on the other hand, was much more comp!icated. I
;nished chemotherapy on 0ecem+er CM, CEEF, and I met Kristin Richard a month
!ater, at a press conerence to announce the !aunchin" o my cancer oundation
and the Ride or the Roses. ,e spo#e @ust +rie7y. She was a s!im +!ond woman
who e$eryone ca!!ed Kiri Npronounced Kee#O, an account e8ecuti$e or an
ad$ertisin" and pu+!ic<re!ations ;rm in town, assi"ned to he!p promote the e$ent.
I #now I.m supposed to say the !i"ht chan"ed when I saw her, +ut actua!!y, it
didn.t. I @ust thou"ht she was smart and pretty. She to!d me !ater her ;rst
impression o me was e=ua!!y inconse=uentia!. I was >a cute +a!d "uy with a "reat
smi!e.> It wou!d +e sprin" +eore we had deeper ee!in"s, and summer +eore we
acted on them. For one thin", we were seein" other peop!e, and or another, the
;rst time we e$er ta!#ed at !en"th we had a ;"ht. It started on the phone. She
represented a corporate c!ient, a ma@or tit!e sponsor o the Ride or the Roses, and
she e!t I wasn.t doin" enou"h to p!ease them. One aternoon she "ot testy with a
oundation sta-er. Who is this chick$ I thou"ht, and dia!ed her num+er, and as
soon as she answered I said, >This is Lance %rmstron", and what do you mean +y
ta!#in" to my sta- that wayG> I went o-, +ar#in" at her. On the other end o the
recei$er, Kiri ro!!ed her eyes, thin#in", #liis guy acts like he is so big9time. For the
ne8t ten minutes we ar"ued +ac# and orth. >O+$ious!y, this con$ersation is "oin"
nowhere,> she snapped. >0amn ri"ht it.s "oin" nowhereP> I snapped +ac#. >6ou
#now whatG> she said. >,e need to ta!# a+out this o$er a +eer. That.s a!! I ha$e to
say to you.> I was nonp!ussed. >Oh, uh, o#ay. ,e.!! "o ha$e a +eer.>
I in$ited her to meet up with me and a coup!e o riends at a !oca! +ar. I don.t thin#
either o us e8pected to +e as drawn to the other as we were. I was sti!! pa!e and
washed out and ati"ued rom the i!!ness, +ut she didn.t seem to care. She was
unnier and more easy"oin" than I had anticipated, and $ery +ri"ht. I as#ed her to
@oin the wee#!y oundation meetin"s at my house, and she a"reed. The oundation
seemed !i#e the perect answer to the !im+o I was in: I had comp!eted chemo, and
+eaten +ac# the cancer or the time +ein", +ut I had to ;"ure out what to do ne8t.
To wor# on somethin" outside myse! was the +est antidote. I was a cancer
sur$i$or ;rst and an ath!ete second, I decided. Too many ath!etes !i$e as thou"h
the pro+!ems o the wor!d don.t concern them. ,e are iso!ated +y our wea!th and
our narrow ocus, and our e!itism. But one o the redeemin" thin"s a+out +ein" an
ath!ete1one o the rea! ser$ices we can perorm1is to rede;ne what.s human!y
possi+!e. ,e cause peop!e to reconsider their !imits, to see that what !oo#s !i#e a
wa!! may rea!!y @ust +e an o+stac!e in the mind. I!!ness was not un!i#e ath!etic
perormance in that respect: there is so much we don.t #now a+out our human
capacity, and I e!t it was important to spread the messa"e. One o the more
important e$ents o that winter<sprin" was that I met a man named &e- )ar$ey, a
prominent %ustin $enture capita!ist who wou!d +ecome a c!ose riend in time, +ut
who at ;rst I simp!y hoped wou!d he!p "uide the oundation. % mutua!
ac=uaintance introduced us, and &e- in$ited me to !unch. I dro$e up to his p!ace in
my 38p!orer in shorts and a T<shirt. ,e had a !on" ram+!in" !unch, and ta!#ed
a+out cyc!in"1&e- was an a$id amateur rider and each year he made a trip
throu"h Spain, o!!owin" the amous *amino de Santia"o. &e- had !ost +oth o his
parents to cancer, and he was !oo#in" or some charita+!e wor# to do in ;"htin"
the disease. % ew wee#s !ater, I as#ed &e- to ha$e !unch with me a"ain, and o$er
the mea! I as#ed him i he wou!d ta#e o$er the runnin" o the oundation. He
a"reed, and +ecame our *3O. For the ne8t two months Kiri and I wor#ed to"ether
on the oundation. %t ;rst, she @ust seemed !i#e a sty!ish "ir! who a!ways had a
=uic# come+ac#. )radua!!y thou"h, I ound myse! noticin" her !on" ;ne +!ond
hair, and the way she wou!d ma#e the most casua! c!othes !oo# c!assy somehow.
%nd then there was her *o!"ate commercia! o a smi!e. It was hard not to "et !ost
in the $iew. %!so, I !i#ed her sass. Meanwhi!e, Kiri had started readin" up on me in
her spare time, under the prete8t o doin" research or +usiness purposes. But
neither o us was wi!!in" to admit how we e!t yet. ,e he!d the inau"ura! Ride or
the Roses in March, and it was a +i" success. ,e raised o$er JBDD,DDD, and the
,a!!7owers p!ayed a concert, and riends and co!!ea"ues came rom a!! o$er the
wor!d to ride, inc!udin" Mi"ue! Indurain, 3ddy Merc#8, and 3ric Heiden.
There was one donation I.!! ne$er or"et. I was sittin" at a ta+!e doin" an
auto"raph si"nin", with a hu"e !ine stretchin" down the +!oc#, scri++!in" my
name as ast as possi+!e. I si"ned o$er and o$er, +are!y "!ancin" upward as each
person stepped in ront o me. % chec#+oo# 7ew in my ace and 7opped open on
the ta+!e. >How much do you wantG> a $oice said. ,ithout !oo#in" up, I said,
>)oddamn.> I started to !au"h and sha#e my head. I #new that $oice. It was the
!on"<!ost &im Hoyt, my home+oy rom 4!ano, the man who put me on my ;rst +i#e
and then too# my +e!o$ed *amaro away. He was standin" ri"ht in ront o me, and
so was his wie, Rhonda. I hadn.t !aid eyes on them since our +itter disa"reement
a decade ear!ier. I !oo#ed &im in the eye. >I.m sorry,> I said. I ;"ured I owed him
that. >%ccepted,> he said. >/ow, how much do I ma#e it out orG> >&im, you don.t
ha$e to do that.> >/o,> he said. >I want to he!p.> >%w, come on, don.t do this,> I
said. >How a+out ;$e "randG 0oes that sound "oodG> I +urst out !au"hin". Fi$e
"rand was what I had put into that *amaro. >That.d +e ;ne,> I said. He wrote out
the chec#, and we shoo# hands. 3$ery year, &im a!ways comes +ac# or the Ride.
%nd I mean to te!! you, home+oy "oes cra'y with his chec#+oo#, and he ne$er
as#s me or a thin" in return.
% !itt!e whi!e !ater, another memora+!e person stepped in ront o me: a !itt!e "ir!
whose head was semi<+a!d !i#e mine. Our eyes met, and we connected instant!y.
%s I si"ned an auto"raph or her, she recited a!! o my stats: she #new e$erythin"
a+out my career. Her name was Ke!!y 0a$idson and she was a cancer patient, and
or days aterward I cou!dn.t "et her out o my mind. I trac#ed her down and ca!!ed
her, and we +ecame "ood riends.
I SHO5L0 H%23 K/O,/ I ,%S I/ TRO5BL3 ,ITH K!K when we #ept thin#in" up
reasons to see each other ater the Ride was o$er. ,e wou!d e8chan"e e<mai!s a
!ot, and ta!# on the phone, and ;nd e8cuses to meet now and then +eyond
oundation meetin"s. She continued to come to the wee#!y "atherin"s at my
house, and one ni"ht she stayed ater e$ery+ody e!se !et. It was @ust the two o
us, sittin" in my !i$in" room sippin" +eers and ta!#in". I remem+er thin#in", What
am I doing$ Why am I here alone with her$ She was thin#in" the e8act same
thin". Fina!!y, she stood up to ca!! a ca+, and I o-ered to "i$e her a ride home. ,e
dro$e throu"h the empty dar# streets, not sayin" much o anythin", +ut ee!in" a
!ot. There was somethin" there, +ut neither o us was ready to touch it yet. So we
@ust dro$e.
B6 S4RI/) OF .E9, I ,%S/.T 3K%*TL6 R3%06 TO )O out or mar"aritas. The
medica! uncertainties were sti!! a constant, na""in" worry. >,hat.s it "oin" to +eG>
I.d as# 0r. /icho!s. >%m I "oin" to !i$e or dieG ,hatG> I e!t pressure to "et +ac# on
my +i#e, and yet I was unsure o my +ody. I counted and recounted my ;nancia!
assets and sweated e$ery mort"a"e payment, wonderin" i I wou!d e$er ma#e
another dime rom cyc!in". Fina!!y, I decided to at !east try to raceA I cou!d sti!! !oc#
*o;dis into the second year o the contract and re!ie$e myse! o ;nancia! worries
i I appeared in our e$ents. I to!d Bi!!, >Let.s ;nd some races.> % month ater
!ea$in" the hospita!, I.d 7own to France to appear at a *o;dis press conerence.
The team oHcia!s were shoc#ed that I showed up, +ut I wanted them to see that I
was not the pa!e, +edridden $ictim they had !et in Indianapo!is. I to!d the *o;dis
peop!e that I wanted to try to come +ac# in the sprin", and I e$en spent a coup!e
o days ridin" and wor#in" out with the team. They seemed p!eased. I +e"an to
train serious!y, ridin" our hours a day, as much as CDD mi!es o$er some o the o!d
routes I used to !o$e, ran"in" rom %ustin to ,im+er!y, to 0rippin" Sprin"s, to
/ew Sweden, towns with nothin" +ut cotton ;e!ds and tractors and so!itary church
steep!es in the distance. But I didn.t !i#e how I was ee!in". Sometimes I wou!d ride
or an hour or so, @ust a !itt!e cruise, and it wore me out and I.d ha$e to ta#e a !on"
nap aterward. I rode at a moderate pace, on!y a+out CMD heart+eats per minute,
+ut I wou!d ee! stron" one day and wea# the ne8t. I had a $a"ue, run<down
sensation that was a!! too ami!iar: it was the way I had e!t +eore the dia"nosis, I
rea!i'ed, with a #not in my stomach. Then I "ot a co!d. I was s!eep!ess and
para!y'ed with ear or an entire ni"ht, certain the cancer had come +ac#. Beore
the i!!ness I had ne$er +een suscepti+!e to co!dsA i I was comin" down with
somethin", it had to +e cancer. The ne8t mornin" I raced to see 0r. 6ouman or a
chec#up, certain he wou!d te!! me I was i!! a"ain. But it was @ust a common
inection that my +ody wasn.t stron" enou"h to ;"ht o-. My immune system was
shot, and I was what the doctors ca!!ed >neutrophi!ic>: my white +!ood ce!! count
was sti!! down, which meant I was suscepti+!e to e$ery !itt!e "erm that came
a!on". My K rays had not entire!y c!eared up, either. There was a spot o some
#ind in my a+domen. The doctors didn.t #now =uite what it was, and decided @ust
to #eep an eye on it. I was a ner$ous wrec#. That was it. 0r. /icho!s recommended
that I ta#e the rest o the year o-, and I a"reedA there wou!d +e no serious cyc!in"
or me in .E9. I was sti!! con$a!escin", /icho!s e8p!ained, and my immune system
hadn.t u!!y re+ounded rom a chemo re"imen that had +een ar more strenuous
than I rea!i'ed. My !ac# o ;tness was in no way re!ated to !ac# o wi!!, /icho!s
said, it was a simp!e matter o how much the i!!ness had ta#en out o me. My
riends and co!!ea"ues e!t !i#e I did, ner$ous. >Loo#,> Och said. >,hate$er you
decide, ma#e sure the doctors #now e8act!y what you.re doin", trainin"<wise, how
much you.re wor#in". )i$e them the detai!s so
they can ma#e the determination as to how hard you shou!d "o.> I had to admit it:
I mi"ht ne$er !e"itimate!y race a"ain at the top !e$e!. May+e my +ody @ust
cou!dn.t dea! with the ri"ors o a u!!<time trainin" re"imen. *hris *armichae!
ca!!ed me and wanted to #now what was "oin" on. >*hris, I.m scared,> I said. >I.m
scared to train. I.m scared i I push myse! too hard, it wi!! come +ac#.> I/ %/ O00
,%6, H%2I/) *%/*3R ,%S 3%SI3R TH%/ reco$ery1at !east in chemo I was doing
somethin", instead o @ust waitin" or it to come +ac#. Some days I sti!! ca!!ed
myse! a +i#e racer, and some days I didn.t. One aternoon I went to p!ay "o! with
Bi!! at a !oca! country c!u+. ,e were on the ;th ho!e, a par<:, and Bi!! hit a
+eautiu! si8<iron or a chance at ea"!e. >I.!! +e a+!e to do that some day,> I said,
admirin"!y. Bi!! said, >It.s "oin" to +e a whi!e +eore you p!ay enou"h "o! to hit a
shot !i#e that.> >Bi!!, you don.t "et it,> I said. >I.m retired.> Bi!! and I had this
ar"ument a!! the time. I $aci!!ated1one day I wou!d p!an my +i" come+ac#, and
the ne8t day I wou!d te!! him my career was o$er. On the ;rst tee, I.d say, >,e!!,
now we.re @ust riends +ecause I don.t need an a"ent anymore. I.m ne$er ridin"
a"ain.> % ew minutes !ater I.d +e standin" on the ne8t tee, wa""!in" a c!u+, and
I.d say, >,hen I start ridin" a"ain, what are we "oin" to do, what.s the p!anG> By
the ne8t ho!e, I wou!d ha$e re$ersed myse! a"ain. >I hope you.re not han"in" out
with me +ecause you thin# I.m "oin" to ma#e any more money,> I.d say. >Because
I.m not ridin".> Bi!! #new I was prone to ma#in" sweepin" statements, and he had
!earned to ma#e a @o#e, or to put me o-. He.d say to me, >O#ay, ;ne, we.!! ta!#
a+out this tomorrow.> Then somethin" happened that deepened my am+i$a!ence:
Bi!!.s assistant, our "ood riend Stacy 4ounds, was dia"nosed with !un" cancer.
Stacy had +een a tremendous he!p to me durin" my own i!!ness and an inte"ra!
partner in !aunchin" the oundation. She was a ::<year<o!d Te8as +e!!e and chain<
smo#er, with a "ritty $oice and e8=uisite manners. Stacy cou!d +asica!!y te!! you
that you were the +i""est @er# in the wor!d, and to ne$er ca!! a"ain, and that you
sme!!ed, too, +ut you wou!d han" up thin#in", >That was the nicest !ady.> Stacy
was not as ortunate as I wasA her cancer was incura+!e. ,e were de$astated, and
a!! we cou!d do was try to support her and ma#e her more comorta+!e. My mother
came across two pretty si!$er cruci;8es on chains, and +ou"ht them or me. I wore
one, and I "a$e the other to Stacy. She was comp!ete!y a"nostic, @ust !i#e me, +ut I
said, >Stacy, I want to "i$e you this cross, and I.m "oin" to wear one, too. This is
"oin" to +e our +ond. 6ou wear it when you.re +ein" treated, or wear it whene$er
you want. %nd I.!! wear mine ore$er.> ,e wore them not as re!i"ious sym+o!s +ut
uni$ersa! ones, sym+o!s o our cancer #inship. Stacy deteriorated =uic#!y. One day
she announced, >I.m not doin" chemotherapy i I can.t "et +etter.> 0r. 6ouman
tried to treat her, +ut the chemo wasn.t wor#in". It made her misera+!y sic#, and
it wasn.t "oin" to sa$e her !ie, either. 5!timate!y, she stopped, and the doctor to!d
us she had on!y a matter o wee#s !et. Stacy had a son, 4au!, who was a sai!or
ser$in" with the /a$y at sea, and we wanted to +rin" him home to see his
mother, +ut no+ody seemed a+!e to "et him o- his ship. ,e ca!!ed con"ressmen
and senators, e$ery+ody, +ut nothin" happened. Fina!!y I decided to pu!! a strin"A I
#new a our<star "enera!, *har!es Boyd, who.d +een +ased in )ermany, and who
had recent!y retired and was !i$in" in ,ashin"ton. I dia!ed his num+er, and I said,
>)enera! Boyd, I need a a$or.> I e8p!ained a+out Stacy, and I said, >This !ady.s
dyin", and her son.s on +oard a ship.> )enera! Boyd stopped me. >Lance,> he said,
>you don.t need to say any more. I !ost my wie two years a"o to cancer. I.!! see
what I can do.> The ne8t day, the #id was on his way home. That.s what the term
>cancer community> means. But +eore 4au! "ot home, Stacy went into a nursin"
home or a ew days. % "roup o us went to $isit her there, Bi!!, me, and my mom,
and we ound her in an awu!, crowded aci!ity with +are!y enou"h nurses to "o
around. Stacy said, >I.m in pain. I rin" the +e!! in the ni"ht and they don.t +rin" me
my pain medicine.> I was horri;ed. I said, >Stacy, this is the dea!. ,e.re "oin" to
pac# up your shit, and we.re "oin" to chec# you out o here.
6ou.re "oin" to "o home, and I.m "oin" to hire you a u!!<time nurse.> % nursin"<
home oHcia! said, >6ou can.t chec# her out.>
>She.s uc#in" !ea$in",> I said. >/ow.> I to!d Bi!!, >Bac# the car up. Open the door.>
%nd we were "one. Stacy spent her !ast ew wee#s at home. Her son arri$ed, and
we ound a hospice nurse to he!p him care or her. She ou"ht as hard as she
cou!d, and he!d out or three wee#s more than the doctors predicted. She was
dia"nosed in &anuary, ri"ht ater I ;nished my own chemo. She =uit wor#in" in
Fe+ruary, and +y March she was "ra$e!y i!!. Then she s!ipped away, and +ro#e a!!
our hearts. I was despondent, and sti!! ner$ous a+out my own hea!th, and ha!
"ui!ty o$er my "ood ortune in +ein" a!i$e. *yc!in" didn.t seem !i#e a $ery
important pursuit ater !osin" Stacy, and I didn.t thin# it was a rea!istic one, either.
Ste$e Lewis came rom 4!ano or a $isit, and cou!d see an o+$ious chan"e in me. I
don.t thin# he understood what the i!!ness had done to me unti! he !aid eyes on
me, so s#inny and white, chee#+ones stic#in" out, and deeated<seemin". I
showed Ste$e the pictures o my !un"s, and I to!d him, >I rea!!y thou"ht I was
"oin" to die.>
I was sti!! stru""!in" to "et past the idea that I cou!d ha$e !ost my !ie, and it was
diHcu!t to #now where to +e"in a"ain. 0ecisions !i#e whether to try to race, and
how to dea! with *o;dis, were +eyond me. I didn.t #now what I wanted, or e$en
what was possi+!e, and I cou!dn.t he!p ee!in" that cyc!in" was tri$ia!. Ste$e !oo#ed
at a picture o me winnin" a sta"e o the Tour de France, and he said, >,hen are
you "oin" to do this a"ainG> >I.m pretty sure I.m done with that,> I said. >It.s too
hard on your +ody.> >6ou.re #iddin",> Ste$e said, shoc#ed. >I.!! ne$er +e a+!e to
ride in that race a"ain,> I said. Ste$e was ta#en a+ac#. He had ne$er #nown me to
"i$e up at anythin". >I thin# I.$e !ost it,> I said. >I @ust don.t ee! "ood on the +i#e.>
I to!d him I was araid o !osin" my house, and that I had tried to ad@ust to certain
spendin" restrictions. I had sca!ed thin"s +ac# proportionate!y, and tried to come
up with an a!ternate p!an or the uture, with no +i#es in it. Ste$e #new me as a
+ra""adocious #id, +ut now I was ta!#in" !i#e a $ictim. I didn.t ha$e the ed"e that
he remem+ered. %s or my persona! !ie, I was e=ua!!y tentati$e. Lisa and I needed
to ma#e some decisions a+out our uture to"ether, and I had serious!y considered
marria"e. She had stayed with me throu"hout the cancer +att!e, e$ery misera+!e
step o the way, and that meant somethin". She "a$e me a #itten, and we named
it *hemo. >I thin# she.s the one,> I.d to!d Ste$e. >She stuc# with me throu"h this,
and she.!! stic# with me throu"h anythin".> But when Ste$e came +ac# to see me
a"ain two months !ater, Lisa and I had +ro#en up. That te!!s you how chaotic my
ee!in"s were. *ancer does one o two thin"s to a re!ationship: it either +rin"s you
c!oser to"ether, or it tears you apart. In our case, it tore us apart. %s I +e"an to
s!ow!y reco$er, we ound that we had !ess and !ess to ta!# a+out. May+e it was @ust
a case o e8haustionA we had spent so much ener"y ;"htin" the i!!ness and "otten
throu"h a!! o the hard parts, +ut in the end it !et us num+, too. One day in March,
she said, >Let.s see other peop!e.>
>O#ay,> I said. But soon we were hard!y seein" each other at a!!. Lisa certain!y
understood that I had +een sic#1+ut it was harder or her to understand why I
didn.t ha$e any emotiona! wherewitha! !et. ,e continued to see each other on
and o-1you don.t @ust comp!ete!y se$er a re!ationship !i#e that. But it ended, @ust
the same. I was so conused a+out what to do with myse! that one aternoon I
went or a +i#e ride with Bi!! Nordinari!y, I wou!d ne$er ride with such a no$iceO,
and as we peda!ed s!ow!y around my nei"h+orhood, I said, >I.m "oin" +ac# to
co!!e"e to +e an onco!o"ist. Or may+e I.!! "o to +usiness schoo!.> Bi!! @ust shoo# his
head. He had a master.s de"ree in +usiness, and a !aw de"ree rom the 5ni$ersity
o Te8as as we!!. >6ou #now, I went to co!!e"e or e!e$en years,> Bi!! said. >I had to
sweat it out in schoo!, and I.!! ha$e to sweat it the rest o my !ie. 6ou don.t e$er
ha$e to do that, dude. ,hy do you want to "o to wor# e$ery day on a tradin" 7oor
at our<thirty in the mornin", i you don.t ha$e toG> >6ou don.t "et it, Bi!!,> I said. >I
#eep te!!in" you, I.m not a +i#er now.>
FOR % ,HIL3, K!K STO4430 *%LLI/) M3 B%*KA I cou!dn.t reach her no matter how
hard I tried. She was unsure a+out me, +ecause she had heard a+out my
reputation as a p!ayer, and she didn.t intend to +e a casua!ty. I wasn.t used to
+ein" cut dead, and it dro$e me cra'y. I !et messa"e ater messa"e on her
machine. >%re you e$er "oin" to ca!! me +ac#G> I demanded. Fina!!y, Kiri re!ented.
I didn.t #now it, +ut her !ie was in transition, too. She sp!it with the man she had
+een seein", and she chan"ed @o+s, a!! within a ew wee#s. Fina!!y, one aternoon
she answered her phone when I ca!!ed. I said, >,e!!, what.s newG> >% !ot. I @ust
started this new @o+, and I.m +usy.>
>Oh,> I said. Then I too# a deep +reath. >0amn. I thou"ht you were "oin" to te!!
me that you were sin"!e.> >,e!!, unny you shou!d mention it. I am. I +ro#e up two
days a"o.> >Rea!!yG> I said, tryin" to sound casua!. >6ou.re sin"!eG> >6eah.> >So
what are you doin" toni"htG> I as#ed. >Somethin" with you,> she said. ,e.$e +een
to"ether e$er since. I #new instant!y I had met my match. Kiri cou!d hand!e
herse!A she was tou"h, independent, sensi+!e, and unspoi!ed. %!thou"h she had
"rown up around money1her ather was an e8ecuti$e o a Fortune :DD company
1she was used to ta#in" care o herse! and didn.t e8pect anythin" to +e handed
to her. I think I get it now, I thou"ht to myse!. I e!t sae with her. She !i#ed me
+a!d and sic# with no eye+rows, and the insecurities I mi"ht ha$e had a+out my
hair, my scars, my +ody, didn.t seem to matter. Kiri +ecame my hairsty!ist. She
wou!d ta#e my head in her hands and "ent!y trim my hair with a pair o c!ippers
unti! I !oo#ed !i#e a CEFDs astronaut. I.d a!ways had the upper hand in my
re!ationships, +ut not with Kiri. Sometimes I wou!d !ead, and sometimes I wou!d
o!!ow, +ut most!y I wou!d "o where she wanted me to "o. Sti!! do. /orth, south,
east, and a!! the rest. That summer, Kiri had p!ans to "o to 3urope. She had ne$er
+een o$erseas, and a riend o hers rom co!!e"e, an e8chan"e student who !i$ed
in Spain, wanted her to come $isit. >,hy are you "oin" to SpainG> I said. >Spain.s
a dust+ow!.> >Shut up,> Kiri said. >0on.t ruin my un, I.$e +een sa$in" or this or
years.> She wou!d +e "one or o$er a month. That was tota!!y unaccepta+!e, I
decided. There was on!y one thin" to do: "o with her. I was supposed to ma#e an
appearance at the Tour de France, as a courtesy to my sponsors and to show that
I was sti!! a potentia!!y $ia+!e competitor, and I decided to time it with Kiri.s trip. I
was curious to see the Tour rom a spectator.s point o $iew, anyway, and I hoped
it wou!d re$i$e my desire to cyc!e. I as#ed to "o with her, and she a"reed. < It was
an awa#enin". I e!t !i#e I had ne$er seen 3urope +eore, and the truth is, may+e I
hadn.t. I had seen it rom a +i#e, at ?D mi!es an hour, +ut I hadn.t seen it as a
tourist, and I hadn.t seen it in !o$e. ,e went e$erywhere. I showed o- my French,
my Ita!ian, and my Spanish. I had missed most o my BDs. I was too +usy +ein" a
pro ath!ete and ma#in" a !i$in" rom the a"e o C: on to do the thin"s most
peop!e in their BDs do, to ha$e un the way Kiri and her co!!e"e riends had un. I.d
comp!ete!y s#ipped that phase o my !ie, +ut now I had a chance to "o +ac# and
!i$e it. I was sti!! tentati$e a+out what wou!d happen to my hea!th, not #nowin"
what I had !et, i it was @ust one day, or two years, or a !on" !ie. .arpe diem, I
to!d myse!, sei'e the day. ,hate$er I had, I was "oin" to spend it we!!. %nd that.s
how Kiri and I ound each other. I had ne$er em+raced my !ie. I had made
somethin" o it, and ou"ht or it, +ut I had ne$er particu!ar!y en@oyed it. >6ou ha$e
this "it,> Kiri said. >6ou can teach me how to rea!!y !o$e !ie, +ecause you.$e +een
on the +rin#, and you saw the other side. So you can show me that.> But she
showed me. She wanted to see e$erythin", and I was the "uy who "ot to show it
to her, and in showin" it to her, I saw it or myse!. In Ita!y, we sat at sidewa!#
caes and ate ham with sha$ed 4armesan cheese. Kiri teased me, >Beore I met
you, 4armesan came in a "reen can.> ,e went to San Se+astian, where it had
rained so hard that it hurt and the crowds had !au"hed at me as I ;nished !ast in
my ;rst pro race. This time, I "a'ed at the ti!ed roos and the steppes o the city
a!on" the
Bay o Biscay and decided that, contrary to my dismissi$e statement a+out
dust+ow!s, there was nothin" more +eautiu!!y o!d than Spain. In 4amp!ona we
saw the runnin" o the +u!!s. Kiri said, >Let.s stay up a!! ni"ht !on".> I said, >,hyG>
>For un. 6ou mean you.$e ne$er stayed up a!! ni"ht, and wa!#ed home in the
sunriseG> >/o,> I said. >,hat do you mean, you.$e ne$er stayed up a!! ni"htG> she
said. >That.s insane. ,hat.s wrong with youG> ,e stayed up a!! ni"ht. ,e went to
e$ery ni"htspot and dance c!u+ in 4amp!ona, and then we wa!#ed +ac# to the
hote! as the sun came up and !i"hted the "ray p!inth streets unti! they turned
"o!d. Kiri seemed to thin# I was sensiti$e and romantic1a!thou"h ew o my
riends wou!d ha$e +e!ie$ed it. *hris *armichae! had a!ways descri+ed me >#ind o
!i#e an ice+er". There.s a pea#, +ut there.s so much more +e!ow the surace.> Kiri
was certain o it. In Monaco, I to!d her that I !o$ed her. ,e were dressin" or dinner
in our hote! room, when sudden!y we +oth "rew =uiet. 5p to that moment, it had
a!! +een undercurrents. But as I watched her rom across the room, I #new e8act!y
what I was ee!in", the tan"!ed twisted strands o !o$e. On!y Kiri was c!ear to me.
Other than her, I was !i$in" in a state o utter conusionA I didn.t #now i I was
"oin" to !i$e or die, and i I did !i$e, I had no idea what I wou!d do with my !ie. I
didn.t #now what I wanted out o cyc!in" anymore. I didn.t #now whether I wanted
to ride, or retire, or "o to co!!e"e, or +ecome a stoc#+ro#er. But I !o$ed Kiri. >I thin#
I.m in !o$e with you,> I said rom across the room. Kiri stopped in the mirror and
said, >6ou thin# you areG Or you #nowG Because I need to #now. I rea!!y need to
#now.> >I #now.> >I #now it too,> she said. I you cou!d e$er hope to meet someone
and a!! in !o$e, it shou!d happen @ust as it did or us, +!issu!!y, perect!y. Our
re!ationship tended to +e unspo#en, a matter o a !ot o deep, intense "a'in", and
a comp!e8 strum o emotions. The unny thin" is, we ne$er discussed my cancer1
the on!y time we ta!#ed a+out it was when we ta!#ed a+out chi!dren. I to!d her that
I did want them, and a+out the trip to San %ntonio. But it was ri"htenin" or us,
too. Kiri used to say, >I wou!d ne$er do anythin" or a man. I wou!d ne$er chan"e
my !ie @ust or a "uy.> Yhe was !i#e me, a!ways in contro! o her re!ationships,
emotions in chec#, independent, ne$er the one to "et hurt, didn.t want anythin"
rom anyone, too tou"h or that. But +y now our "uards were tota!!y down. One
ni"ht, she admitted it to me. >I you want to @ust annihi!ate me, you can,> she said.
>Because there.s nothin" !et to +!oc# you. So +e careu! what you do.> ,e went to
the Tour de France. I tried to descri+e the race to herA the chess match amon"
riders and the ten mi!!ion ans !inin" the roads, +ut when she saw the pe!oton or
herse!, the pa!ette o co!ors strea#in" +y with the 4yrenees !oomin" in the
+ac#"round, she screamed with @oy. I had +usiness to do at the Tour, sponsors to
see and reporters to ta!# to. By then I was so cau"ht up in Kiri and en@oyin" my
second !ie that I sounded am+i$a!ent a+out e$er ridin" a"ain. >I.m @ust not as
competiti$e as +eore,> I to!d reporters. >May+e I.m @ust a recreationa! cyc!ist
now.> 3$en thou"h I was +ac# on my +i#e, I to!d them, >I.m a participant, not a
competitor.> The Tour, I said, >is most !i#e!y impossi+!e.> >Loo#,> I said. >*yc!in" or
me was rea!!y a @o+. It was $ery "ood to me. I did it or ;$e or si8 years, !i$ed a!!
o$er 3urope, did a!! the tra$e!in". /ow I ha$e time to spend with my riends and
ami!y, do the stu- I missed doin" my entire chi!dhood.>
B6 TH3 3/0 OF TH3 S5MM3R I R3S3MBL30 % H3%LTH6 person. I no !on"er !oo#ed
sic#, and I had a!! o my hair. But I sti!! worried constant!y a+out a re!apse, and I
had continuin" "host pains in my chest. I had ni"htmares. I had stran"e physica!
reactionsA or no apparent reason I wou!d +rea# out in a sweat. The s!i"htest stress
or an8iety wou!d cause my +ody to +ecome shiny with perspiration. ,hi!e I was
+ein" treated I was acti$e!y #i!!in" the cancer, +ut when the treatment stopped, I
e!t power!ess, !i#e I wasn.t doin" anythin" +ut waitin" or the other shoe to a!!. I
was such an acti$e, a""ressi$e person that I wou!d ha$e e!t +etter i they.d "i$en
me chemo or a year. 0r. /icho!s tried to reassure me. >Some peop!e ha$e more
trou+!e ater treatment than durin". It.s common. It.s more diHcu!t to wait or it to
come +ac# than it is to attac# it.> The month!y chec#ups were the worst. Kiri and I
wou!d 7y to Indianapo!is and chec# into the hote! ad@acent to the medica! center.
The ne8t day I wou!d rise at : %.M. to drin# a contrast dye or the $arious MRIs
and scans and K rays, nasty stu- that tasted !i#e a com+ination o Tan" and !i=uid
meta!. It was a "rim e8perience to wa#e up in that hote! a"ain, and to #now that I
wou!d ha$e to sit in another doctor.s oHce and perhaps hear the words 5ou ha&e
cancer. Kiri wou!d wa#e up and sit with me as I cho#ed down the coc#tai! o dye,
s!umped o$er and misera+!e. She wou!d ru+ my +ac# whi!e I swa!!owed it down.
Once, to ma#e me ee! +etter, she e$en as#ed to taste it. She too# a swi" and
made a ace. Li#e I say, she.s a stud. Then we.d wa!# o$er to the hospita! to ace
the +!ood tests and the MRIs. The doctors wou!d !ine the chest K rays up on the
!i"ht +o8 and 7ip the switch, and I wou!d duc# my head, araid that I wou!d see
those white spots a"ain. Kiri didn.t #now how to read an K ray, and the tension
was rac#in" or +oth o us. Once, she pointed at somethin" and said, ner$ous!y,
>,hat.s thisG> >That.s a ri+,> I said. %s we sat there, we +oth thou"ht the same
thin": I'&e 3nally found the lo&e of my life, the person who means e&erything in
the world to me, and if anything takes that away now I will come unglued. It was a
sic#enin" sensation then, and it.s sti!! sic#enin" now, @ust to thin# a+out it. But
each K ray was c!ear, and the +!ood tests remained norma!. ,ith e$ery passin"
month the chances o a re!apse !essened. I was no !on"er strict!y con$a!escin".
For a!! intents and purposes, I was hea!thy. %s the one<year mar# approached,
*hris *armichae! +e"an to ur"e me to race a"ain. Fina!!y, he 7ew to %ustin to
ha$e it out with me. He +e!ie$ed I needed to "et on my +i#e in earnest, that I had
some un;nished +usiness in the sport and that I was startin" to seem empty
without it, and he wasn.t araid to say so, either. *hris had a !on" con$ersation
with Bi!! Stap!eton and said, >3$eryone te!!s him to do what he wants, and no one
wi!! ta!# to him a+out racin" his +i#e.> He thou"ht I needed a push, and our
re!ationship had a!ways +een +ased on his a+i!ity to "i$e me one when I needed it.
I #new e8act!y why *hris had come to see me. I to!d &ohn Korioth, >*armichae! is
in town to try to "et me to race a"ain, and I don.t #now i I want to.> *hris and I
went out to !unch at my a$orite Te8<Me8 p!ace, *huy.s, and my prediction was
correct. >Lance,> *hris said, >what is with this p!ayin" "o!G *yc!in" is what you.re
a+out.> I shoo# my head s#eptica!!y. >I don.t #now,> I said. >%re you araidG> I was.
I had +een stron" as a +u!! on the +i#e, and what i I wasn.t anymoreG Or what i
racin" cou!d ma#e me sic# a"ainG >/one o your doctors wi!! say that you can race
a"ain,> *hris said. >But none o them wi!! say that you can't, either. I thin# you
shou!d try it, "i$e it a run. I #now it.s a +i" un#nown, a +i" ris#, a +i" cha!!en"e,
and a +i" scare. There are no "i$ens. But here you are, +ac# to !ie, and now you
need to "et +ac# to !i$in".> I thou"ht it o$er or a coup!e o days. It.s one thin" to
under"o chemo and "o +ac# to wor# as an accountant. But to +e a cyc!istG I didn.t
#now a+out that. *hemo had made the worst c!im+ in the %!ps seem 7at.
There was another actor to consider: I had a disa+i!ity po!icy that wou!d pay or
;$e years. But i I made a come+ac#, I wou!d oreit the po!icy. I wou!d +e @umpin"
o- a ;nancia! c!i- to race a"ain. *hris hun" out and met Kiri, and continued to
+ad"er me a+out "ettin" +ac# on the +i#e. I e8p!ained to him that I @ust wasn.t
c!ear on what I was supposed to do with the rest o my !ie, +ut he reused to
+e!ie$e it. %t one point, he turned to Kiri, and said, >0o you thin# he shou!d race
a"ainG >I don.t rea!!y care,> she said. >I.m in !o$e with this man.> *hris !oo#ed at
me. >O#ay,> he said. >6ou can marry her.> FI/%LL6, I M%03 M6 MI/0 54: I ,O5L0
TR6 TO R%*3 a"ain. I "ot +ac# on the +i#e, and this time, I e!t "ood a+out it. I to!d
Bi!! and Kiri, >I thin# I can do this.> I as#ed *hris to ormu!ate a trainin" pro"ram
or me, and I +e"an to ride hard. But odd!y enou"h, my +ody reused to ta#e its
pre$ious shape. The o!d me had wei"hed C9: pounds. /ow I was C:I, my ace
!oo#ed narrow and haw#ish, and you cou!d see e$ery sinew in my !e"s. Bi!! ca!!ed
*o;dis and to!d them I was up and ridin". >I want to ta!# to you a+out his racin"
pro"ramA he.s ready to ma#e a come+ac#,> Bi!! said. The *o;dis peop!e su""ested
that Bi!! come to France or a meetin". Bi!! 7ew to 4aris o$erni"ht, and then dro$e
our hours into the country to reach the *o;dis e8ecuti$e oHces. He arri$ed in
time or an e!e"ant !unch. %mon" those at the ta+!e were %!ain Bondue and the
*o;dis e8ecuti$e oHcer, Francois Mi"raine. Mi"raine "a$e a ;$e<minute speech,
we!comin" Bi!! to France. %nd then he said, >,e want to than# you or cornin"
here, +ut we want you to #now that we.re "oin" to e8ercise our ri"ht to terminate
his contract. ,e need to "o in a di-erent direction.>
Bi!! !oo#ed at Bondue and said, >Is he seriousG>
Bondue !oo#ed down at his p!ate and simp!y said, >6es.>
>Is there a reason I had to 7y a!! the way o$er here or you to te!! me thatG> Bi!!
as#ed. >,e thou"ht it was important that we te!! you person<to<person,> Bondue
said. >Loo#, you on!y ha$e to pay him a minima! amount to ride,> Bi!! said. >&ust !et
him race. He rea!!y wants to ma#e a come+ac#. It.s serious. It.s not that we thin#
he.!! ride, we #now he wi!!.> *o;dis wasn.t con;dent that I wou!d e$er ride at that
!e$e! a"ain, and what.s more, i I did ride, and I happened to "et sic# a"ain, it
wou!d +e +ad pu+!icity or *o;dis. It was o$er. Bi!! was desperate. >Loo#, he.s +een
part o your teamA you paid him. %t !east ma#e us an o-er.>
Fina!!y, the *o;dis peop!e said they wou!d consider it. Bi!! !et without ;nishin"
!unch, and "ot +ac# in his car or the !on" dri$e +ac# to 4aris. He cou!dn.t stand to
+rea# the news to me, and he dro$e to 4aris una+!e to ma#e the ca!!. Fina!!y, he
ound a !itt!e cae +y the 3i-e! Tower, pu!!ed out his ce!! phone, and dia!ed my
num+er. >,hatG> I said. >They terminated your dea!.> I paused. >,hy.d they ma#e
you 7y a!! the way o$er thereG> O$er the ne8t ew days, I he!d out hope that the
*o;dis e8ecuti$es wou!d chan"e their minds. Fina!!y, *o;dis ca!!ed and o-ered me
a+out JCID,DDD, with a +i" incenti$e c!ause to pay more i I earned Internationa!
*yc!in" 5nion NI*5O +onus points +ased on perormance in $arious races. The +ase
sa!ary they were o-erin" was the e=ui$a!ent o a !ea"ue minimum, +ut it was a!!
we had. Bi!! had a 4!an B. In the ;rst wee# o Septem+er, there was a !ar"e annua!
Inter+i#e 38po in %naheim, *a!iornia, and a!! the top team representati$es wou!d
+e there. Bi!! e!t that i I showed up hea!thy and announced I was ready to ride, I
was sure to catch on with someone. >Lance, we need to "et in ront o the press
and te!! e$ery+ody that you.re serious a+out this, and you.re a$ai!a+!e,> Bi!! said.
On Septem+er ?, CEE9,C went with Bi!! to the Inter+i#e 38po to announce my
return to cyc!in" or the CEEI season. I he!d a press conerence and drew a
roomu! o newspaper writers and cyc!in" e8perts, and inormed them o my p!ans
to race. I e8p!ained the *o;dis situation and made it c!ear that I e!t @i!ted. I had
missed a u!! ca!endar year with cancer, and *o;dis dou+ted me @ust when I e!t
hea!thy and ready to
compete a"ain, I said. /ow the who!e cyc!in" wor!d #new I was on the auction
+!oc#. I sat +ac# and waited or the o-ers to come in. /one did. They didn.t want
me. One o France.s top cyc!in" mana"ers ta!#ed to Bi!! +rie7y, +ut when he heard
what Bi!! was as#in" or my ser$ices, J:DD,DDD, he said dismissi$e!y, >That.s a
champion.s wa"e. 6ou.re e8pectin" the money o a +i" rider.> %nother team,
Saeco1*annonda!e, said they mi"ht ma#e an o-er, and schedu!ed a meetin" with
Bi!! or the o!!owin" day. /o one showed up. Bi!! had to "o huntin" or the "uy,
and ;na!!y ound him in another +usiness meetin". Bi!! said, >,hat.s "oin" onG>
The e8ecuti$e rep!ied, >,e can.t do it.> /o 3uropean team wou!d si"n me. For
e$ery twenty ca!!s Bi!! put out, may+e three were returned.
%s the days went +y and no one made a so!id o-er, I "ot an"rier and an"rier. Bi!!
Stap!eton cau"ht the +runt o it, and it put a se$ere strain on our riendship. For a
year and a ha!, he was the "uy who had nothin" +ut +ad news or me. He was the
person who had to te!! me that I had no hea!th insurance, that *o;dis had cut my
contract. /ow he had to te!! me that no one wanted me. I ca!!ed my mother and
to!d her a+out *o;dis, and I e8p!ained that no other team wou!d ma#e an o-er.
/ot one. I cou!d hear her tense up on the other end o the !ine, and the o!d
eistiness crept into her $oice. >6ou #now whatG> she said. >That.s a!! they.$e "ot
to te!! us. Because, +y "o!!y, you.!! show them. They.$e made a terri+!e mista#e.>
%!! around, I encountered peop!e who had "i$en up on me, or who thou"ht I was
somethin" !ess than I had +een. One ni"ht, Kiri and I went to a coc#tai! party with
a +unch o peop!e rom the new hi"h<tech ;rm she wor#ed or. ,e "ot separated
at the party, and Kiri was ta!#in" across the room rom me with two e8ecuti$es at
the ;rm, when one o them said to her, >So that.s your new +oyriendG> and then
made a $u!"ar reerence to my testic!es. >%re you sure he.s "ood enou"h or youG>
he said. >He.s on!y ha! a man.> Kiri ro'e. She said, >I won.t e$en di"niy that with
a response, +ecause it is so +eyond not unny.> She turned her +ac# on him, and
ound me across the room, and to!d me what had happened. I was +eside myse!.
To say somethin" !i#e that to her he had to +e incredi+!y stupid, or may+e he was
@ust a oo! who drin#s too much at coc#tai! parties, +ut I wasn.t "oin" to !et him
"et away with it. I went to the +ar on the prete8t o "ettin" another drin#, and as I
wa!#ed +y him, I shou!dered him, hard. Kristin o+@ected to my +eha$ior, so then
we "ot into an ar"ument. I was an"ry way past the point o con$ersation. %ter I
dropped her o- at her house, I went home and sat down and composed a scathin"
e<mai! to the "uy, e8p!ainin" the nature o testicu!ar cancer and some o the
statistics. I wrote do'ens o di-erent $ersions. >I can.t +e!ie$e you.d say this to
any+ody, !et a!one my "ir!riend,> I wrote. >%nd you.$e "ot a rea! pro+!em i you
thin# somethin" !i#e this is unny. This is a !ie<and<death situation. It.s not a+out
whether I ha$e one .nut,. or two, or ;ty.> But when I "ot done I was sti!! upset, so I
went o$er to Kiri.s house in the midd!e o the ni"ht, and we had a !on" discussion.
By now she was worried that the "uy wou!d try to ;re her, and we ta!#ed or a
whi!e a+out princip!es $ersus emp!oyment.
B!LL *O/TI/530 TO S3%R*H FOR % T3%M TH%T ,O5L0 ta#e me on. He e!t !i#e he
was runnin" around as the a"ent or some B<rate swimmer that no+ody wanted to
ta!# to. 4eop!e treated him !i#e a pest. Bi!! @ust #ept at it, and she!tered me rom
the more +ruta! comments.
>*ome on,> one person said. >That "uy wi!! ne$er ride in the pe!oton a"ain. It.s a
@o#e that he cou!d e$er ride at that speed.> Fina!!y, Bi!! had what he thou"ht was a
"ood possi+i!ity with the 5.S. 4osta! Ser$ice team, a new
or"ani'ation that was %merican<unded and <sponsored. The chie in$estor in the
team was Thomas ,eise!, a ;nancier rom San Francisco, an o!d riend o mine
and the ormer owner o the Su+aru<Mont"omery team.The on!y catch was the
money. 4osta!, too, was o-erin" a !ow +ase sa!ary. Bi!! 7ew to San Francisco, and
ne"otiations with the team.s "enera! mana"er, Mar# )ors#i, seesawed +ac# and
orth o$er se$era! tense days. ,e were una+!e to reach an a"reement. I was on
the $er"e o "i$in" up. ,e sti!! had the o-er rom *o;dis, +ut my resentment had
reached the point at which I a!most preerred not to race at a!! rather than to race
or them. My disa+i!ity po!icy was worth JBD,DDD a month or ;$e years, which
amounted to JC.: mi!!ion, ta8<ree. I I tried to race a"ain, L!oyds o London
inormed Bi!!, I wou!d oreit the po!icy. I decided that i I was "oin" to ris# a
come+ac# attempt, my heart shou!d +e in it. Otherwise it @ust didn.t ma#e sense
to @eopardi'e my disa+i!ity. Beore Bi!! !et San Francisco, we decided he shou!d
swin" +y Thorn ,eise!.s oHce @ust to say "ood+ye and to spea# with Thorn ace<
to<ace to see i there was any chance we cou!d wor# thin"s out. Thorn.s oHce
was an imposin" suite in the Transamerica +ui!din" Zwith sweepin" $iews, and Bi!!
went there with some trepidation. Bi!! sat down with Thorn and Mar# )ors#i.
%+rupt!y, Thorn said, >Bi!!, what does he wantG> >He wants a +ase sa!ary o
JBC:,DDD,> Bi!! said. >%!so, he wants an incenti$e c!ause.> The Internationa!
*yc!in" 5nion awarded +onus points on the +asis o perormances in +i" races,
and i I "ot enou"h "ood resu!ts, I cou!d ma#e up in +onuses what they wou!dn.t
pay me in sa!ary. Bi!! to!d him I wanted J:DD or e$ery +onus point I co!!ected up
to C:D, and JC,DDD or e$ery point ater that. >,ou!d you consider a cap on the
ma8imum num+er o I*5 pointsG> Thorn as#ed. In a way that was a comp!iment,
+ecause it meant they were concerned that I mi"ht perorm so we!! that it wou!d
cost them +i" money. >/o way,> Bi!! said. Thorn stared at Bi!! with the !on" co!d
"a'e o an e8pert ne"otiator. For wee#s now, we had "otten no resu!ts at the
ne"otiatin" ta+!e, and Thorn ,eise! was as tou"h and un7inchin" as they came.
But he a!so #new me and +e!ie$ed in me. Thorn opened his mouth to spea#. Bi!!
+raced himse!. >I.!! co$er it,> Thorn said. >*onsider it done.> Bi!! a!most si"hed
a!oud with re!ie. ,e had a dea!A I was a racer a"ain. I si"ned the a"reement, and
we he!d a +i" press conerence to introduce me as a team mem+er. %t the press
conerence, I said, >I don.t ee! !i#e dama"ed "oods. I @ust ee! out o shape, which
I am.> I wou!d spend /o$em+er and 0ecem+er trainin" in the States, and then "o
o$erseas in &anuary to resume racin" or the ;rst time in CI !on" months. It meant
returnin" to my o!d !ie o !i$in" out o a suitcase and ridin" a!! o$er the continent.
But there was a comp!ication now: Kiri. I went to 4!ano to see my mother. O$er
co-ee on a Saturday mornin", I said, >Let.s "o !oo# at diamonds today.> My
mother +eamed. She #new e8act!y what I was ta!#in" a+out, and we spent the day
tourin" the +est @ewe!ers in 0a!!as. I returned to %ustin and p!anned a dinner at
home or @ust Kiri and me. ,e sat on the seawa!! +ehind my house, watchin" the
sunset o$er La#e %ustin. Fina!!y, I said, >I ha$e to "o +ac# to 3urope, and I don.t
want to "o without you. I want you to come with me.> The sun disappeared +ehind
the ri$er+an#, and dus# sett!ed o$er us. It was sti!! and dar# e8cept or the "!ow
spi!!in" out o my house. I stood up. >Somethin" came today,> I said. >I want to
show it to you.> I reached into my poc#et and c!asped the sma!! $e!$et +o8. >Step
into the !i"ht,> I said. I opened the +o8, and the diamond co!!ected the !i"ht.
>Marry me,> I said. Kiri accepted. ,e had ne$er ta!#ed a+out my pro"nosis. She
had come with me to my month!y chec#ups, and sat with me in ront o those K
rays, +ut we ne$er e!t the need to discuss the +i" picture. ,hen we +ecame
en"a"ed, howe$er, a riend o her mother.s said, >How cou!d you !et your
dau"hter marry a cancer patientG> It orced us to thin# a+out it or the ;rst time.
Kiri @ust said, >6ou #now, I wou!d rather ha$e one year o wonderu!
than se$enty years o mediocre. That.s how I ee! a+out it. Lie.s an un#nown. 6ou
don.t #now. /o+ody #nows.> Kiri and I pac#ed up a!! our thin"s and dro$e cross<
country to Santa Bar+ara, *a!iornia, where I entered an intense two<month
trainin" camp. ,e rented a sma!! house on the +each, and we +ecame so
sentimenta! a+out it that we decided we wanted to +e married there. ,e p!anned
a weddin" or May. First, howe$er, we wou!d mo$e to 3urope in &anuary and spend
the .EI winter and sprin" racin" season o$erseas. I "ot +ac# in the "ym and did
+asic re+ui!din" wor#, !e" presses and s=uats, and I steadi!y !en"thened my
trainin" rides. I surprised e$eryone with how we!! I rode durin" trainin" camp in
Santa Bar+ara. One aternoon I rode some hi!!s with Fran#ie %ndreu, and he said,
>Man, you.re #i!!in" e$ery+ody and you had cancer.> I was now oHcia!!y a cancer
sur$i$or. On Octo+er B,C had ce!e+rated the one<year anni$ersary o my cancer
dia"nosis, which meant that I was no !on"er in remission. %ccordin" to my
doctors, there was on!y a minima! chance now that the disease wou!d come +ac#.
One day, I "ot a note rom *rai" /icho!s. >It.s time to mo$e on with your !ie,> he
wrote. But how do you sur$i$e cancerG That.s the part no one "i$es you any
ad$ice on. ,hat does it meanG Once you ;nish your treatment, the doctors say,
5ou're cured, so go of and li&e. 1appy trails. But there is no support system in
p!ace to he!p you to dea! with the emotiona! rami;cations o tryin" to return to the
wor!d ater +ein" in a +att!e or your e8istence. 6ou don.t @ust wa#e up one
mornin" and say, >O#ay, I.m done with cancer, and now it.s time to "o ri"ht +ac#
to the norma! !ie I had.> Stacy 4ounds had pro$ed that to me. I was physica!!y
reco$ered, +ut my sou! was sti!! hea!in". I was enterin" a phase ca!!ed
sur$i$orship. ,hat shape was my !ie supposed to ta#eG ,hat nowG ,hat a+out
my recurrin" ni"htmares, my dreamsG
eight
S5R2I2ORSHI4
,HHIL3 I ,%S SI*K, I TOL0 M6S3LF I.0 /323R cuss a"ain, ne$er drin# another
+eer a"ain, ne$er !ose my temper a"ain. I was "oin" to +e the "reatest and the
most c!ean<!i$in" "uy you cou!d hope to meet. But !ie "oes on. Thin"s chan"e,
intentions "et !ost. 6ou ha$e another +eer. 6ou say another cussword. How do you
s!ip +ac# into the ordinary wor!dG That was the pro+!em conrontin" me ater
cancer, and the o!d sayin", that you shou!d treat each day as i it mi"ht +e your
!ast, was no he!p at a!!. The truth is, it.s a nice sentiment, +ut in practice it doesn.t
wor#. I I !i$ed on!y or the moment, I.d +e a $ery amia+!e no<account with a
perpetua! three<day "rowth on my chin. Trust me, I tried it. 4eop!e thin# o my
come+ac# as a triumph, +ut in the +e"innin", it was a disaster. ,hen you ha$e
!i$ed or an entire year terri;ed o dyin", you ee! !i#e you deser$e to spend the
rest o your days on a permanent $acation. 6ou can.t, o courseA you ha$e to
return to your ami!y, your peers, and your proession. But a part o me didn.t
want my o!d !ie +ac#.
,e mo$ed to 3urope in &anuary with the 5.S. 4osta! team. Kiri =uit her @o+, "a$e
away her do", !eased her house, and pac#ed up e$erythin" she owned. ,e rented
an apartment in *ap Ferrat, ha!way +etween /ice
and Monaco, and I !et her there a!one whi!e I went on the road with the team. %
race wasn.t an en$ironment or wi$es and "ir!riends. It was no di-erent rom the
oHceA it was a @o+, and you didn.t ta#e your wie to the conerence room. Kristin
was on her own in a orei"n country, with no riends or ami!y, and she didn.t
spea# the !an"ua"e. But she reacted typica!!y, +y enro!!in" herse! in a !an"ua"e<
intensi$e French schoo!, urnishin" the apartment, and sett!in" in as i it was a
"reat ad$enture, with a+so!ute!y no si"n o ear. /ot once did she comp!ain. I was
proud o her. My own attitude wasn.t as "ood. Thin"s weren.t "oin" so we!! or me
on the road, where I had to ad@ust a!! o$er a"ain to the hardships o racin"
throu"h 3urope. I had or"otten what it was !i#e. The !ast time I.d +een on the
continent was on $acation with Kiri, when we.d stayed in the +est hote!s and
p!ayed tourists, +ut now it was +ac# to the awu! ood, the +ad +eds in din"y road
pensions, and the incessant tra$e!. I didn.t !i#e it. 0eep down, I wasn.t ready. Had I
understood more a+out sur$i$orship, I wou!d ha$e reco"ni'ed that my come+ac#
attempt was +ound to +e rau"ht with psycho!o"ica! pro+!ems. I I had a +ad day, I
had a tendency to say, >,e!!, I.$e @ust +een throu"h too much. I.$e +een throu"h
three sur"eries, three months o chemo, and a year o he!!, and that.s the reason
I.m not ridin" we!!. My +ody is @ust ne$er "oin" to +e the same.> But what I rea!!y
shou!d ha$e +een sayin" was. >Hey, it.s @ust a +ad day.> I was ridin" with +uried
dou+ts, and some +uried resentments, too. I was ma#in" a raction o my o!d
sa!ary, and I had no new endorsements. I sarcastica!!y ca!!ed it >an ei"hty<percent
cancer ta8.> I.d assumed that the minute I "ot +ac# on the +i#e and announced a
come+ac#, corporate %merica wou!d come #noc#in", and when they didn.t, I
+!amed Bi!!. I dro$e him nuts, constant!y as#in" him why he wasn.t +rin"in" me
any dea!s. Fina!!y, we had a conrontation $ia phone1I was in 3urope, he was
+ac# in Te8as. I +e"an comp!ainin" a"ain that nothin" was happenin" on the
endorsement ront. >Loo#, I.!! te!! you what,> Bi!! said. >I.m "oin" to ;nd you a new
a"ent. I.m not puttin" up with this anymore. I #now you thin# I need this, +ut I
don.t. So I =uit.> I paused and said, >,e!!, that.s not what I want.> I stopped
$entin" on Bi!!, +ut I sti!! +rooded a+out the act that no one wanted me. /o
3uropean teams wanted me, and corporate %merica didn.t want me. My ;rst pro
race in CI months was the Ruta de! So!, a ;$e<day @aunt throu"h Spain. I ;nished
C?th, and caused a stir, +ut I was depressed and uncomorta+!e. I was used to
!eadin", not ;nishin" C?th. %!so, I hated the attention o that ;rst race. I e!t
constrained +y perormance an8iety and distracted +y the press circus, and I
wished I cou!d ha$e @ust shown up unannounced and ridden without a word,
;"htin" throu"h my se!<dou+ts anonymous!y. I @ust wanted to ride in the pe!oton
and "et my !e"s +ac#. Two wee#s !ater, I entered 4aris</ice, amon" the most
arduous sta"e races outside o the Tour de France itse!, an ei"ht<day hau!
notorious or its wintry raw weather. Beore the race itse! was the >pro!o"ue,> a
time<tria! competition. It was a seedin" system o sortsA the resu!ts o the
pro!o"ue wou!d determine who rode at the ront o the pe!oton. I ;nished in CEth
p!ace, not +ad or a "uy reco$erin" rom cancer, +ut I didn.t see it that way. I was
used to winnin".
The ne8t mornin" I wo#e up to a "ray rain and +!usterin" wind, and temperatures
in the MDs. %s soon as I opened my eyes I #new I didn.t want to ride in that
weather. I ate my +rea#ast morose!y. I met with the team to discuss the strate"y
or the day, and we decided as a s=uad that i our team !eader, )eor"e Hincapie,
e!! +ehind or any reason, we wou!d a!! wait or him and he!p him catch up. In the
start area, I sat in a car tryin" to #eep warm and thou"ht a+out how much I didn.t
want to +e there. ,hen you start out thin#in" that way, thin"s can.t possi+!y "et
any +etter. Once I "ot out in the co!d, my attitude @ust deteriorated. I su!#ed as I
put on !e" warmers and ou"ht to #eep some sma!! patch o my s#in dry. ,e set
o- on a !on", 7at sta"e. The rain spit sideways, and a cross<wind made it seem
e$en co!der than M: de"rees. There is nothin" more demora!i'in" than a !on" 7at
road in the rain. %t !east on a c!im+ your +ody
stays a !itt!e +it warm +ecause you ha$e to wor# so hard, +ut on a 7at road, you
@ust "et co!d and wet to the +one. /o shoe co$er is "ood enou"h. /o @ac#et is
"ood enou"h. In the past, I.d thri$ed on +ein" a+!e to stand conditions that made
e$eryone e!se crac#. But not on this day. Hincapie "ot a 7at. ,e a!! stopped. The
pe!oton sped up the road away rom us. By the time we "ot "oin" a"ain, we were
BD minutes +ehind the !eaders, and in the wind it wou!d ta#e an hour o +ruta!
e-ort or us to ma#e up what we had !ost. ,e rode o-, heads down into the rain.
The crosswind cut throu"h my c!othes and made it hard to steady the +i#e as I
churned a!on" the side o the road. %!! o a sudden, I !ited my hands to the tops o
the hand!e+ars. I strai"htened up in my seat, and I coasted to the cur+. I pu!!ed
o$er. I =uit. I a+andoned the race. I too# o- my num+er. I thou"ht, #his is not how
I want to spend my life, freeBing and soaked and in the gutter. Fran#ie %ndreu was
ri"ht +ehind me, and he remem+ers how I !oo#ed as I rose up and swun" o- the
road. He cou!d te!! +y the way I sat up that I mi"ht not race a"ain or a whi!e1i
e$er. Fran#ie to!d me !ater that his thou"ht was >He.s done.> ,hen the rest o the
team arri$ed +ac# at the hote! at the end o the sta"e, I was pac#in". >I =uit,> I
to!d Fran#ie. >I.m not racin" anymore, I.m "oin" home.> I didn.t care i my
teammates understood or not. I said "ood+ye, s!un" my +a" o$er my shou!der,
and too# o-. The decision to a+andon had nothin" to do with how I e!t physica!!y.
I was stron". I @ust didn.t want to +e there. I simp!y didn.t #now i cyc!in" throu"h
the co!d and the pain was what I wanted to do or the rest o my !ie. Kiri was
"rocery shoppin" ater schoo! when I reached her on her ce!! phone. >I.m comin"
home toni"ht,> I said. She cou!dn.t hear +ecause the reception wasn.t "reat, and
she said, >,hatG ,hat.s wron"G> >I.!! te!! you a+out it !ater,> I said. >%re you hurtG>
She thou"ht I had crashed. >/o, I.m not hurt,> I said. >I.!! see you toni"ht.> %
coup!e o hours !ater, Kiri pic#ed me up at the airport. ,e didn.t say much unti! we
"ot in the car and +e"an the dri$e home. Fina!!y, I said, >6ou #now, I.m @ust not
happy doin" this.> >,hyG> she said. >I don.t #now how much time I ha$e !et, +ut I
don.t want to spend it cyc!in",> I said. >I hate it. I hate the conditions. I hate +ein"
away rom you. I hate this !iesty!e o$er here. I don.t want to +e in 3urope. I
pro$ed myse! in Ruta de! So!, I showed that I cou!d come +ac# and do it. I ha$e
nothin" !et to pro$e to myse!, or to the cancer community, so that.s it.> I +raced
myse! or her to say, >,hat a+out my schoo!, what a+out my @o+, why did you
ma#e me mo$e hereG> But she ne$er said it. *a!m!y, she said, >,e!!, o#ay.> On the
p!ane +ac# to *ap Ferrat I.d seen an ad$ertisement or Har!ey<0a$idson that
summed up how I e!t. It said, >I I had to !i$e my !ie o$er a"ain I wou!d . . .> and
then it !isted se$era! thin"s, !i#e, >see more sunsets.> I had torn it out o the
ma"a'ine, and as I e8p!ained to Kiri how I e!t, I handed her the ad, and I said,
>This is what.s wron" with cyc!in". It.s not what my !ie shou!d +e.> >,e!!, !et.s "et
a "ood ni"ht.s s!eep, and wait a coup!e o days and then ma#e a decision,> she
said. The ne8t day Kiri went +ac# to her !an"ua"e schoo!, and I didn.t do a thin". I
sat a!one in the apartment a!! day +y myse!, and I reused to e$en !oo# at my
+i#e. Kiri.s schoo! had a strict ru!e that you weren.t supposed to ta#e phone ca!!s. I
ca!!ed her three times. >I can.t stand sittin" around here doin" nothin",> I said.
>I.$e ta!#ed to the tra$e! a"ent. That.s it. ,e.re !ea$in".> Kiri said, >I.m in c!ass.>
>I.m comin" to "et you. That schoo!.s a waste o time.> Kiri !et the c!assroom and
sat on a +ench outside, and cried. She had ou"ht the !an"ua"e +arrier or wee#s.
She had mana"ed to set up our househo!d, ;"ured out how to do the mar#etin",
and mastered the currency. She had !earned how to dri$e the autoroute, and how
to pay the French to!!s. /ow a!! o her e-ort was or nothin". ,hen I arri$ed to pic#
her up she was sti!! cryin". I was a!armed. >,hy are you cryin"G> I said. >Because
we ha$e to !ea$e,> she said. >,hat do you meanG 6ou.re here with no riends. 6ou
can.t spea# the !an"ua"e. 6ou don.t ha$e your @o+.
,hy do you want to stay hereG> >Because it.s what I set out to do, and I want to
;nish it. But i you thin# we need to "o home, then !et.s do it.> That ni"ht was a
whir!wind o pac#in", and Kiri attac#ed it with as much ener"y as she had "ettin"
us unpac#ed in the ;rst p!ace. In B? hours we did more than most peop!e do in
two wee#s. ,e ca!!ed Ke$in Li$in"ston, and "a$e him a!! o our stu-1towe!s,
si!$erware, !amps, pots, pans, p!ates, $acuum c!eaner. I said to Ke$in, >,e.re
ne$er comin" +ac#. I don.t want this @un#.> Ke$in didn.t try to ta!# me out o it1he
#new +etter. Instead, he was $ery =uiet. I cou!d see on Ke$in.s ace that he didn.t
thin# I was doin" the ri"ht thin", +ut he wasn.t "oin" to say a word. He had
a!ways worried a+out my comin" +ac#, anyway. >&ust watch your +ody,> he.d say.
>Ta#e it easy.> He had !i$ed throu"h the who!e rea!m o the disease with me, and
the on!y thin" he cared a+out was my hea!th. %s I !oaded him down with +o8es he
was so sad I thou"ht he mi"ht cry. >Ta#e this,> I said, handin" him +o8es u!! o
#itchenware. >Ta#e a!! o it.> It was a ni"htmare, and my on!y "ood memory o that
time is o Kiri, and how serene she seemed in the midst o my conusion. I cou!dn.t
ha$e +!amed her i she was a+out to +rea#A she had =uit her @o+, mo$ed to France,
sacri;ced e$erythin", and a!most o$erni"ht I was ready to mo$e +ac# to %ustin
and retire. But she stood +y me. She was understandin" and supporti$e and
end!ess!y patient. Bac# home in the States, e$ery+ody was wonderin" where I
was. *armichae! was at home at ei"ht o.c!oc# in the mornin" when his phone
ran". It was a French reporter. >,here is Lance %rmstron"G> the reporter as#ed.
*hris said, >He.s in 4aris1/ice.> The reporter said in +ro#en 3n"!ish, >/o, he is
stop.> *hris hun" up on him. % minute !ater the phone ran" a"ain1it was another
French reporter. *hris ca!!ed Bi!! Stap!eton, and Bi!! said he hadn.t heard rom me.
/either had Och. *hris tried my ce!! phone, and my apartment. /o answer. He !et
messa"es, and I didn.t return them, which was unusua!. Fina!!y I ca!!ed *hris rom
the airport. I said, >I.m 7yin" home. I don.t need this anymore. I don.t need the
crappy hote!s, the weather, the !ousy ood. ,hat is this doin" or meG> *hris said,
>Lance, do whate$er you want. But don.t +e rash.> He continued ca!m!y, tryin" to
+uy me a !itt!e time. >0on.t ta!# to the press, don.t announce anythin", don.t say
you.re "oin" to =uit,> he warned me. %ter I ca!!ed *hris, I reached Stap!eton. >I.m
done, man,> I said. >I showed them I cou!d come +ac#, and I.m done.> Bi!! #ept his
coo!. >O#aaaay,> he said. He had a!ready ta!#ed to *hris, and he #new e$erythin".
Li#e *hris, he sta!!ed. Bi!! su""ested that I shou!d wait on the retirement
announcement. >Let.s @ust "i$e it a wee# or so, Lance. It.s too cra'y ri"ht now.>
>/o, you don.t understand. I want to do it now.> >Lance,> Bi!! said, >I understand
you.re retirin". That.s ;ne, +ut we need to discuss a ew thin"s. Let.s @ust "i$e it a
coup!e o days.>
/e8t, I ca!!ed Och. ,e had one o our typica! con$ersations. >I =uit 4aris</ice,> I
said.
>That.s not such a +i" dea!.>
>I.m out. I.m not racin" anymore.>
>0on.t ma#e the decision today.>
Kiri and I 7ew +ac# to %ustin in a trai! o @et !a". %s we wa!#ed in the door, the
phone was rin"in" constant!y, with peop!e !oo#in" or me and wonderin" why I
had disappeared. Fina!!y, thin"s =uieted down, and ater a day o s!eepin" o- the
@et !a", Kiri and I met with Bi!! in his downtown !aw oHce. I said, >I.m not here to
ta!# a+out whether I.m ridin" a"ain. That.s not up or discussion. I.m done, and I
don.t care what you thin# a+out it.> Bi!! !oo#ed at Kiri, and she @ust !oo#ed +ac# at
him, and shru""ed. They +oth #new I was in one o those moods that cou!dn.t +e
ar"ued with. By now, Kiri was a she!! o a woman, e8hausted and rustrated, +ut in
her "!ance to Bi!!, somethin" passed +etween them. Kiri.s !oo# "ot the point
across. It said, Be patient with him, he's a mess. There was a+out a BD<second
pause +eore Bi!! spo#e. Then he said, >,e!!, we need to at !east ma#e a
statement, do this orma!!y. Let.s "et it done ri"ht.> >&ust issue a press re!ease,> I
said. >,hat a+out thatG> >It.s a +ad idea.> >,hyG> >6ou #now those races, Ruta de!
whate$er, and 4aris<whate$erG> Bi!! said. >/o+ody in %merica has e$er heard o
those, pa!. /o+ody here e$en #nows you "ot +ac# on a +i#e. So you can certain!y
ha$e a press conerence and te!! e$ery+ody you.re retired. I #now you thin# you
had this a+u!ous come+ac#, and I a"ree
with you. I mean, what you.$e done is ama'in". &ust +eatin" cancer is a
come+ac#. But no+ody e!se #nows it.> >I was C?th at Ruta de! So!,> I said,
deensi$e!y.
>Lance,> Bi!! said, >you wi!! +e the "uy who "ot cancer and ne$er rode a"ain.
That.s what it.s "oin" to +e.> There was another !on" pause. /e8t to me, Kiri.s
eyes +e"an to we!! up. >,e!!,> I said, >we can.t ha$e that.> Stap!eton ;nessed me:
he cited a thousand thin"s that had to +e done +eore I cou!d orma!!y retire. >I
understand you.re retirin",> Bi!! said. >But how are you "oin" to retireG> He as#ed
me i I wanted to ho!d a !i$e press conerence, and su""ested that we needed to
ha$e meetin"s with sponsors. Then he said, >Shou!dn.t you ride at !east one
arewe!! raceG> I cou!dn.t !ea$e the sport without a ;na! appearance in the 5.S.
>,hy not race at the nationa! championships in &une, and ma#e that your !ast
raceG> he said. >6ou can win thatA you #now you can. #hat's a come+ac#A that.s
somethin" peop!e wi!! #now a+out.> >,e!!, I don.t #now,> I said. >I don.t thin# I
want to "et +ac# on a +i#e.>
Bi!! patient!y manipu!ated me into ho!din" o- on a retirement announcement. ,ith
e$ery comp!ication he summoned up, he +ou"ht more time. %t the $ery !east I
cou!dn.t retire +eore the Ride or the Roses, he said, and that wasn.t unti! May.
Fina!!y, Bi!! wore me down. I to!d him I wou!d wait to announce anythin". But in the
meantime, I decided I wou!d ta#e a ew days o-.
My 4osta! team was patient. Thorn ,eise! o-ered to wait. But a ew days o-
turned into a wee#, and then a wee# turned into a month. I didn.t e$en unpac# my
+i#e. It sat in its +a" in the "ara"e, co!!ectin" dust.
I ,%S % B5M. I 4L%630 )OLF 323R6 0%6, I ,%T3R<SKI30, I dran# +eer, and I !ay
on the soa and channe!<sured. I went to *huy.s or Te8<Me8, and $io!ated e$ery
ru!e o my trainin" diet. ,hene$er I came home rom 3urope, it was a tradition or
me to stop at *huy.s strai"ht rom the airport, no matter how @et<!a""ed I was,
and order a +urrito with tomati!!o sauce and a coup!e o mar"aritas or Shiner
Boc#s. /ow I was eatin" practica!!y e$ery mea! there. I ne$er intended to depri$e
myse! a"ainA I.d +een "i$en a second chance and I was determined to ta#e
ad$anta"e o it. But it wasn.t un. It wasn.t !i"hthearted or ree or happy. It was
orced. I tried to re<create the mood I.d shared with Kiri on our 3uropean $acation,
+ut this time, thin"s were di-erent, and I cou!dn.t understand why. The truth was,
I e!t ashamed. I was ;!!ed with se!<dou+t and em+arrassed +y what I.d done in
4aris1/ice. Son, you ne&er 2uit. But I.d =uit. I was +eha$in" tota!!y out o
character, and the reason was sur$i$orship. It was a c!assic case o >/ow whatG>
I.d had a @o+ and a !ie, and then I "ot sic#, and it turned my !ie upside<down, and
when I tried to "o +ac# to my !ie I was disoriented, nothin" was the same1 and I
cou!dn.t hand!e it. I hated the +i#e, +ut I thou"ht, What else am I going to do$ ,e
a cofee boy in an oCce$ I didn.t e8act!y ee! !i#e a champ at much e!se. I didn.t
#now what to do, so or the moment, I @ust <wanted to escape, and that.s what I
did. I e$aded my responsi+i!ities. I #now now that sur$i$in" cancer in$o!$ed more
than @ust a con$a!escence o the +ody. My mind and my sou! had to con$a!esce,
too. /o one =uite understood that1e8cept or Kiri. She #ept her composure when
she had e$ery ri"ht to +e distrau"ht and urious with me or pu!!in" the ru" out
rom under her. ,hi!e I was out p!ayin" "o! e$ery day, she was home!ess,
do"!ess, and @o+!ess, readin" the c!assi;eds and wonderin" how we were "oin" to
support ourse!$es. My mother sympathi'ed with what she was "oin" throu"h. She
wou!d ca!! us, as# to spea# with Kiri, and say, >How are you doin"G> But ater
se$era! wee#s o the "o!, the drin#in", the Me8ican ood, Kiri decided it was
enou"h1some+ody had to try to "et throu"h to me. One mornin" we were sittin"
outside on the patio ha$in" co-ee. I put down my cup and said, >,e!!, o#ay, I.!!
see you !ater. It.s my tee time.> >Lance,> Kiri said, >what am I doin" todayG> >,hat
do you meanG>
>6ou didn.t as# me what I was "oin" to do today. 6ou didn.t as# me what I wanted
to do, or i I minded i you p!ayed "o!. 6ou @ust to!d me what you were "oin" to do.
0o you care what I.m doin"G> >Oh, sorry,> I said. >,hat am I doin" todayG> she
said. >,hat am I doin"G Te!! me that.> I was si!ent. I didn.t #now what to say. >6ou
need to decide somethin",> she to!d me. >6ou need to decide i you are "oin" to
retire or rea!, and +e a "o!<p!ayin", +eer<drin#in", Me8ican<ood<eatin" s!o+. I
you are, that.s ;ne. I !o$e you, and I.!! marry you anyway. But I @ust need to #now,
so I can "et myse! to"ether and "o +ac# on the street, and "et a @o+ to support
your "o!;n". &ust te!! me. But i you.re not "oin" to retire, then you need to stop
eatin" and drin#in" !i#e this and +ein" a +um, and you need to ;"ure it out,
+ecause you are decidin" +y not decidin", and that is so un<Lance. It is @ust not
you. %nd I.m not =uite sure who you are ri"ht now. I !o$e you anyway, +ut you
need to ;"ure somethin" out.> She wasn.t an"ry as she said it. She was @ust ri"ht:
I didn.t rea!!y #now what I was tryin" to accomp!ish, and I was @ust +ein" a +um.
%!! o a sudden I saw a re7ection o myse! as a retiree in her eyes, and I didn.t !i#e
it. She wasn.t "oin" to !i$e an id!e !ie, and I didn.t +!ame her. Tuiet!y, she said,
>So te!! me i we.re "oin" to stay in %ustin. I so, I.m "oin" to "et a @o+, +ecause
I.m not "oin" to sit at home whi!e you p!ay "o!. I.m so +ored.> /orma!!y, no+ody
cou!d ta!# to me !i#e that. But she said it a!most sweet!y, without ;"htin". Kiri
#new how stu++orn I cou!d +e when someone tried to +utt heads with meA it was
my o!d re7e8 a"ainst contro! and authority. I don.t !i#e to +e cornered, and when I
am, I wi!! ;"ht my way out, whether physica!!y or !o"ica!!y or emotiona!!y. But as
she spo#e to me I didn.t ee! attac#ed or deensi$e, or hurt, or pic#ed on, I @ust
#new the honest truth when I heard it. It was, in a =uiet!y sarcastic way, a $ery
proound con$ersation. I stood up rom the ta+!e. >O#ay,> I said. >Let me thin#
a+out it.> I went to p!ay "o! anyway, +ecause I #new Kiri didn.t mind that. )o!
wasn.t the issue. The issue was ;ndin" myse! a"ain.
KIK %/0 ST%4L3TO/ %/0 *%RMI*H%3L %/0 O*H conspired a"ainst me, ta!#in"
constant!y +ehind my +ac# a+out how to "et me +ac# on the +i#e. I continued to
say that I was retirin", +ut as the days wore on, I +e"an to wa$er. Bi!! persuaded
me to commit to one !ast race, the 5.S. 4ro *hampionships, which wou!d +e he!d
in 4hi!ade!phia in May. *hris *armichae! 7ew to %ustin. He too# one !oo# in my
"ara"e, at the +i#e sti!! in its carryin" +a", and shoo# his head. *hris e!t !i#e Kiri
did, that I needed to ma#e a conscious decision a+out whether I +e!on"ed +ac# on
the +i#e. >6ou.re a!i$e a"ain, and now you need to "et +ac# to !i$in",> he
repeated. But he #new I wasn.t ready to commit to another u!!<sca!e come+ac#
yet, so the surace e8cuse he "a$e or comin" to %ustin was simp!y to put
to"ether a trainin" p!an or the 5.S. *hampionships. %!so, the second Ride or the
Roses was comin" up, and the race wou!d +e a criterium around downtown %ustin
re=uirin" that I +e at !east minima!!y ;t. >6ou can.t "o out !i#e this,> *hris said,
"esturin" at my +ody. >6ou don.t want to em+arrass your oundation.>
*hris insisted that re"ard!ess o what I decided a+out retirement, I needed an
ei"ht< to ten<day intensi$e trainin" camp to "et +ac# to orm1and I needed to do
it somewhere other than %ustin. >Let.s "et out o town,> he said. >6ou can.t ocus
here, there.s too much "o!, too many distractions.> ,e tried to thin# o a p!ace to
"o. %ri'onaG Too hot. *o!oradoG Too hi"h a!titude. Then I said, >Remem+er BooneG
That !itt!e hippie town in /orth *aro!inaG> Boone was hi"h in the %ppa!achians on
the route o the o!d Tour 0u 4ont, and I had ond memories o it. I had won the
Tour 0u 4ont twice there, and I had spent many aternoons cyc!in" and su-erin"
on its +i""est pea#, Beech Mountain, which was the crucia! c!im+in" sta"e o the
race. It was arduous +ut +eautiu! country, and Boone itse! was a co!!e"e town u!!
o students and proessors rom near+y %ppa!achian State 5ni$ersity.
*on$enient!y, it had a trainin" aci!ity at the uni$ersity, and p!enty o ca+ins or
rent in the woods. I "ot on the Internet and rented a ca+in si"ht unseen. /e8t, I
decided to in$ite an o!d riend named Bo+ Ro!!
ma8 and !actate thresho!d num+ers, and they con;rmed what he a!ready #new: I
was at and in !ousy shape. 5sua!!y, my physio!o"ica! $a!ues were the e!ite o the
e!ite. My 2Oto +e my trainin" partnerA Bo+ was a hi"h<spirited MI<year<o!d ormer
road racer who had switched o$er to mountain +i#in", and he wou!d +e easy
company or ten days. ,e 7ew to *har!otte, /orth *aro!ina, and dro$e three hours
into the mountains. Our ;rst stop was %ppa!achian State, where *hris arran"ed
with the ath!etic trainin" center to do some testin" with me on a stationary +i#e,
to ;nd out where I stood ;tness<wise. *hris !oo#ed at my 2O
B B
rate, ordinari!y at
I:, was now at F?. *hris said to the %ppa!achian State trainers who he!ped us,
>,atch. ,hen we come +ac# he.s "oin" to +e at 9?, and he.!! do it ater on!y a
wee#.> *hris #new that my +ody responded to new thresho!ds ater a $ery short
period, and he e!t I cou!d +e +ac# in pea# shape in @ust a ew days. But @ust to
cha!!en"e me, he made me a +et that I cou!dn.t up my watta"e1the amount o
wor# in peda!in"1in the space o a wee#. >% hundred +uc#s says you can.t "et
o$er :DD,> he said. I too# the +et. From then on, a!! we did was eat, s!eep, and ride
+i#es. Sprin" had @ust +e"un mo$in" up into the mountains, creatin" a constant
o" and dri''!e that seemed to muSe the piney woods. ,e rode in the rain e$ery
day. The co!d seared my !un"s, and with e$ery +reath I +!ew out a stream o white
rost, +ut I didn.t mind. It made me ee! c!ean. ,e rode windin" +ac# roads, on!y
some o which were pa$ed and mapped. ,e cyc!ed o$er "ra$e! and hardpan and
+eds o pine need!es, and under han"in" +ou"hs. %t ni"ht, *hris made +i" pots o
pasta and +a#ed potatoes and we sat around the ta+!e wo!;n" down the ood and
ha$in" unprinta+!e con$ersations. ,e to!d stories and !au"hed a+out o!d times
and the start o our riendship, and my ;rst years as a pro. I ca!!ed home each
ni"ht, and Kristin cou!d te!! that I was startin" to sound !i#e my o!d se!A I was
ha$in" un, @o#in", I didn.t seem depressed. ,hen I wou!d te!! her a+out the co!d
and rainy weather or how ar we had ridden, I wou!d !au"h. >I.m ee!in" rea!!y
"ood,> I said, a!most pu''!ed. I +e"an to en@oy the sin"!e<mindedness o trainin",
ridin" hard durin" the day and ho!in" up in the ca+in in the e$enin"s. I e$en
appreciated the awu! weather. It was as i I was "oin" +ac# to 4aris</ice and
starin" the e!ements that had deeated me in the eye. ,hat had crac#ed me in
4aris were the co!d, wet conditions, +ut now I too# satisaction in ridin" throu"h
them, the way I.d used to. Toward the end o the camp, we decided to ride Beech
Mountain. *hris #new e8act!y what he was doin" when he su""ested it, +ecause
there was a time when I owned that mountain. It was a strenuous :,DDD<oot c!im+
with a snowcapped summit, and it had +een the crucia! sta"e in my two Tour 0u
4ont $ictories. I remem+ered !a+orin" on up the mountainside with crowds !ined
a!on" the route, and how they had painted my name across the road: >)o
%rmstron".> ,e set out on yet another co!d, rainin", o""y day with a p!an to ride
a CDD<mi!e !oop +eore we returned and undertoo# the +i" ;nishin" ascent o
Beech Mountain. *hris wou!d o!!ow in a car, so we cou!d !oad the +i#es up on the
rac# ater we reached the summit and dri$e +ac# to the ca+in or dinner. ,e rode
and rode throu"h a steady rain, or our hours, and then ;$e. By the time we "ot
to the oot o Beech, I.d +een on the +i#e or si8 hours, drenched. But I !ited
myse! up out o the sadd!e and prope!!ed the +i#e up the inc!ine, !ea$in" Bo+ Ro!!
+ehind. %s I started up the rise, I saw an eerie si"ht: the road sti!! had my name
painted on it. My whee!s spun o$er the washed<out o!d ye!!ow and white !etterin".
I "!anced down +etween my eet. It said, aint!y, Di&a =ance. I continued upward,
and the mountain "rew steeper. I hammered down on the peda!s, wor#in" hard,
and e!t a sma!! +!oom o sweat and satisaction, a heat under my s#in a!most !i#e
a !i=uor +!ush. My +ody reacted instincti$e!y to the c!im+. Mind!ess!y, I rose out o
my seat and pic#ed up the pace. Sudden!y, *hris pu!!ed up +ehind me in the
o!!ow car, ro!!ed down his window, and +e"an dri$in" me on. >)o, "o, "oP> he
ye!!ed. I "!anced +ac# at him. +%lleB =ance, alleB, alleB7+ he ye!!ed. I mashed down
on the peda!s, heard my +reath "row shorter, and I acce!erated. That ascent
tri""ered somethin" in me. %s I rode upward, I re7ected on my !ie, +ac# to a!!
points, my chi!dhood, my ear!y races, my i!!ness, and how it chan"ed me. May+e it
was the primiti$e act o c!im+in" that made me conront the issues I.d +een
e$adin" or wee#s. It was time to =uit sta!!in", I rea!i'ed. o&e, I to!d myse!. If
you can still mo&e, you aren't sick. I !oo#ed a"ain at the "round as it passed under
my whee!s, at the water spittin" o- the tires and the spo#es
turnin" round. I saw more aded painted !etters, and I saw my washed<out name:
)o %rmstrong. %s I continued upward, I saw my !ie as a who!e. I saw the pattern
and the pri$i!e"e o it, and the purpose o it, too. It was simp!y this: I was meant
or a !on", hard c!im+. I approached the summit. Behind me, *hris cou!d see in the
attitude o my +ody on the +i#e that I was ha$in" a chan"e o heart. Some wei"ht,
he sensed, was simp!y no !on"er there. Li"ht!y, I reached the top o the mountain.
I cruised to a ha!t. *hris put the car in par# and "ot out. ,e didn.t ta!# a+out what
had @ust happened. *hris @ust !oo#ed at me, and said, >I.!! put your +i#e on top o
the car.> >/o,> I said. >)i$e me my rain @ac#et. I.m ridin" +ac#.> I was restored. I
was a +i#e racer a"ain. *hris smi!ed and "ot +ac# in the car. I passed the rest o
the trip in a state o near<re$erence or those +eautiu!, peaceu!, sou!u!
mountains. The rides were demandin" and =uiet, and I rode with a pure !o$e o
the +i#e, unti! Boone +e"an to ee! !i#e the Ho!y Land to me, a p!ace I had come to
on a pi!"rima"e. I I e$er ha$e any serious pro+!ems a"ain, I #now that I wi!! "o
+ac# to Boone and ;nd an answer. I "ot my !ie +ac# on those rides. % day or two
!ater we went to the uni$ersity trainin" center to test my watta"e. I peda!ed so
hard I +!ew out the odometer. I spun the machine so ast *hris cou!dn.t "et a
di"ita! readout. Lau"hin", he smac#ed JCDD into my pa!m. That ni"ht at dinner, I
said to *hris casua!!y, >I wonder i I cou!d "et into that race in %t!anta.> >Let.s do
it,> *hris said. .That e$enin", we started ;"urin" out my come+ac#. *hris p!aced a
+unch o ca!!s, tryin" to ;nd me some new racin" whee!s. Then he ca!!ed Bi!!
Stap!eton, and said, >)et ready. He.s comin" +ac# a di-erent "uy. The "uy we
used to #now.>
I 0I0/.T &5ST &5M4 B%*K O/ TH3 BIK3 %/0 ,I/. TH3R3 were a !ot o ups and
downs, "ood resu!ts and +ad resu!ts, +ut this time I didn.t !et the !ows "et to me.
%ter Boone, I en@oyed e$ery day on the +i#e. 3$ery day. 3$en when I was in +ad
shape, su-erin", crashin", tryin" to come +ac#, I ne$er once, ne$er, e$er, e$er,
thou"ht a+out a+andonin" a"ain. I e$en too# the +i#e to my weddin". My trip to
Boone was in %pri! o .EI, and Kiri and I were married that May in Santa Bar+ara.
,e in$ited a+out a hundred peop!e, and we e8chan"ed $ows in a sma!! *atho!ic
ceremony1Kiri is *atho!ic1and aterward we had a dance party. /o one sat down
or the duration o the ni"ht, peop!e were too +usy roc#in" a!! o$er the room, and
it was such a "ood time that Kiri and I didn.t want it to end. ,e ended up in the
hote! +ar with our "uests in our weddin" "etups, and had coc#tai!s and ci"ars. ,e
stayed on in a +each house or a ew days, +ut it wasn.t the idea! honeymoon,
+ecause I was so intent on trainin" ater my Boone e8perience. I rode e$ery day.
Fina!!y we returned home to %ustin or the Ride or the Roses, which had "rown to
+e a +i"<time e$ent. 4art o downtown was +!oc#ed o-, !i"hts were strun" up
throu"h the streets. I won the criterium o$er a pretty "ood ;e!d. ,hen I too# the
podium, Kiri shrie#ed and @umped around, as thri!!ed as i it were the Tour de
France. It struc# me that she had ne$er seen me win anythin" +eore. >That.s
nothin",> I said, shru""in", +ut I was secret!y de!i"hted. It was nice to ha$e a !itt!e
taste o competition a"ain. I "ot another in &une, when I made my oHcia! return to
the cyc!in" circuit and ;nished ourth in the 5.S. 4ro *hampionships, whi!e my
riend and teammate )eor"e Hincapie won it. One mornin" I said to Kiri, >O#ay,
may+e it.s time to try 3urope a"ain.> She @ust nodded cheeru!!y and started
pac#in". The thin" is, I cou!d ha$e said to her: >,e.re "oin" +ac# to 3urope,> and
when we "ot to 3urope, I cou!d ha$e said, >,e.re "oin" +ac# to %ustin,> and when
we "ot to %ustin, I cou!d ha$e said, >6ou #now whatG I made a mista#e. ,e.re
"oin" +ac# to 3urope,> and she wou!d ha$e made e$ery trip without comp!aint.
/othin" was a hu"e crisis to her. Kiri !i#ed the cha!!en"e o a new p!ace and a new
!an"ua"e, so when I said: >O#ay, !et.s try it one more
time,> that was an easy one or her. Some wi$es wou!d ha$e thou"ht it was hard,
+ut that.s why I didn.t marry some wi$es. % !ot o wi$es wou!dn.t ha$e made it
o$er there in the ;rst p!ace. My wie, on the other hand, is a stud. Kiri and I
tentati$e!y rented a !itt!e apartment in /ice, and she enro!!ed +ac# in schoo! and
started French !essons a"ain, whi!e I continued to race. I entered the Tour o
Lu8em+our"1and I won it. %ter the ;rst sta"e, I ca!!ed home, and Kiri wanted to
#now why I wasn.t more e8cited, +ut +y now I was so wary o the psycho!o"ica!
pita!!s o a come+ac# that I #ept my emotions and e8pectations in chec#. It was
@ust a our<day race, not the #ind that the ma@or riders wou!d ha$e ce!e+rated as a
+i" $ictory. But rom a mora!e standpoint it was "reat, +ecause it meant I cou!d
win a"ain1and it was worth some I*5 +onus points, too. It erased the !ast
!in"erin" +it o se!<dou+t. /e8t, I tra$e!ed to the wee#!on" Tour o Ho!!and, and
;nished ourth. In &u!y, I s#ipped the Tour de France, not yet ready or the
strenuous routine o a three<wee# sta"e race. Instead, I did some T2 commentary
and watched rom the side o the road as it turned into the most contro$ersia! and
traumatic +i#e race in history. In a series o raids On team cars, French po!ice
ound trun#!oads o 34O and ana+o!ic steroids. Team mem+ers and oHcia!s were
thrown in French @ai!s, e$eryone was under suspicion, and the cyc!ists were urious
at the tactics used +y authorities. O the BC teams that +e"an the race, on!y C?
;nished. One team was e8pe!!ed and the other si8 =uit in protest. 0opin" is an
unortunate act o !ie in cyc!in", or any other endurance sport or that matter.
Ine$ita+!y, some teams and riders ee! it.s !i#e nuc!ear weapons1that they ha$e
to do it to stay competiti$e within the pe!oton. I ne$er e!t that way, and certain!y
ater chemo the idea o puttin" anythin" orei"n in my +ody was especia!!y
repu!si$e. O$era!!, I had e8treme!y mi8ed ee!in"s a+out the CEEI Tour: I
sympathi'ed with the riders cau"ht in the ;restorm, some o whom I #new we!!,
+ut I a!so e!t the Tour wou!d +e a more air e$ent rom then on. I continued to
ma#e steady pro"ress on the +i#e throu"h the summer, and in %u"ust Kiri and I
e!t secure enou"h a+out my uture as a rider to +uy a house in /ice. ,hi!e Kiri
emp!oyed her stum+!in" French to hand!e the +an#ers and +uy urniture and mo$e
us into the new home, I went o- with the team or the three<wee# 2ue!ta a 3s<
pana NTour o SpainO, one o the most strenuous races on the ace o the earth.
There are three "rand tours in cyc!in", o Ita!y, Spain, and France. On Octo+er C,
CEEI, near!y two years to the day ater I was dia"nosed, I comp!eted the 2ue!ta. I
;nished ourth, and it was as important an achie$ement as any race I.d e$er won.
I rode B,M?I mi!es o$er BM days, and missed ma#in" the awards podium +y on!y
si8 seconds. The winner, %+raham O!ano o Spain, had ridden @ust B minutes and
CI seconds aster than I had. ,hat.s more, I near!y won the tou"hest mountain
sta"e o the race, in "a!e<orce winds and ree'in" temperatures. The race was so
tou"h that a!most ha! the ;e!d retired +eore the ;nish. But I didn.t =uit. To p!ace
ourth in the 2ue!ta meant more than @ust a come+ac#. In my pre$ious !ie, I.d
+een a "reat one<day racer, +ut I.d ne$er +een competiti$e in a three<wee# sta"e
race. The 2ue!ta meant I was not on!y +ac#, I was better. I was capa+!e o winnin"
any race in the wor!d. I swept up I*5 ran#in" points ri"ht and !et, and a!! o a
sudden I was the rea! dea!. ,HIL3 I ,%S RI0I/) I/ TH3 253LT%, KIK ,%S I/ %/
endurance contest o her own ca!!ed mo$in". Our apartment was on the third
7oor, and she wou!d ca!! up the e!e$ator, !oad it with our thin"s1+o8es o c!othes,
cyc!in" "ear, and #itchenware. She wou!d ride down and un!oad e$erythin" in the
!o++y, and then she.d mo$e it a!! rom the !o++y to the ront door o the +ui!din",
and rom there into the +ac# o the car. She.d dri$e to the new house, un!oad the
car, carry the +o8es up a set o steep stairs ascendin" a hi!!side, and dump them
in the house. Then she.d dri$e +ac# to the apartment and repeat the routine a!!
o$er a"ain, e!e$ator !oad +y e!e$ator !oad. Kiri wor#ed or two days strai"ht, unti!
she was +!eary<eyed with ati"ue. ,hen I arri$ed home, my c!othes were put
away, the reri"erator was u!! o "roceries, and Kiri handed me a new set o #eys.
For some reason, it made me ridicu!ous!y happy. That house seemed !i#e the
cu!mination o the who!e year. ,e had done it, we had esta+!ished ourse!$es in
3urope and re"ained my career. Kiri cou!d spea# some French now, and we had a
home and a !ie to"ether, and it meant e$erythin" to us. >Oh,
my )od,> she said. >,e did it. ,e started o$er.> To ce!e+rate we spent a ew days
in La#e *omo, which was sti!! one o my a$orite p!aces anywhere. I treated us to
a wonderu! hote!, and handpic#ed the room we stayed in, with a "i"antic terrace
and sweepin" $iew, and a!! we did was s!eep and stro!! and "o to e!e"ant dinners.
Fina!!y, we went home to %ustin or the a!! and winter ho!idays. /ot !on" ater we
"ot +ac#, I recei$ed an e<mai! rom the 5.S. 4osta! team director, &ohan Bruynee!.
He con"ratu!ated me on the 2ue!ta. >I thin# that ourth was +etter than you
e8pected,> he wrote. Then he made an interestin" reerence. >6ou wi!! !oo# "reat
on the podium o the Tour de France ne8t year,> &ohan wrote, cryptica!!y. That was
the end o the messa"e. I sa$ed his e<mai! to a dis#, printed it out, and !oo#ed at
the words. The TourG &ohan didn.t @ust thin# I cou!d +e a sta"e racer a"ain, he
thou"ht I cou!d +e a Tour rider. He thou"ht I cou!d win the who!e thin". It was
worth considerin". O$er the ne8t ew days, I read and reread the e<mai!. %ter a
year o conusion and se!<dou+t, I now #new e8act!y what I shou!d do. I wanted to
win the Tour de France.
,H%T 6O5 L3%R/ I/ S5R2I2ORSHI4 is TH%T %FT3R %LL the shoutin" is done, ater
the desperation and crisis is o$er, ater you ha$e accepted the act o your i!!ness
and ce!e+rated the return o your hea!th, the o!d routines and ha+its, !i#e sha$in"
in the mornin" with a purpose, a @o+ to "o to, and a wie to !o$e and a chi!d to
raise, these are the threads that tie your days to"ether and that "i$e them the
pattern deser$in" o the term >a !ie.> One o the thin"s I !o$ed a+out Boone was
the $iew it o-ered. ,hen I cyc!ed around an une8pected +end in the road,
sudden!y the !andscape opened up, the !ine o trees parted, and I cou!d see thirty
mountain ran"es stretchin" to the hori'on. I was +e"innin" to see my !ie in the
same way. I wanted to ha$e a chi!d. ,hen I was sic#, atherhood was somethin"
o+scured around the ne8t +end, perhaps impossi+!e, a !ost chance. /ow my $iew
was as c!ear and crysta!!i'ed as those mountain ran"es in the distance, and I
didn.t want to postpone atherhood any !on"er. Fortunate!y, Kiri was as ready as I
was. ,e understood each other perect!y despite the uphea$a!s o the !ast year,
and we.d he!d on to a sweet harmony, the #ind that ma#es you want to @oin with
another and create a new human +ein". Ironica!!y, the process wou!d +e a!most as
medica!!y intricate as a cancer treatment: it wou!d re=uire as much research and
p!annin", and a rat o syrin"es, dru"s, and two sur"eries. I was steri!e. In order to
"et pre"nant, Kiri wou!d need in<$itro erti!i'ation NI2FO, usin" the sperm I had
+an#ed in San %ntonio on that awu! day. ,hat o!!ows in these pa"es is an
attempt to render the e8perience truthu!!y and open!y. % !ot o coup!es are
pri$ate a+out their I2F treatment and don.t want to ta!# a+out it at a!!, which is
their ri"ht. ,e aren.t. ,e understand we may +e critici'ed or +ein" so ree with
the detai!s, +ut we ha$e decided to share them +ecause so many coup!es dea!
with inerti!ity and are aced with the ear that they may not +e a+!e to ha$e a
ami!y. ,e want them to hear the speci;cs o I2F so they understand what.s ahead
o them. For us, it was or+iddin" +ut worth it. ,e p!anned to start our ami!y ri"ht
ater the /ew 6ear, and I +e"an to research in<$itro as thorou"h!y as cancer,
scourin" the Internet and consu!tin" with physicians. ,e schedu!ed a trip to /ew
6or# *ity to $isit the I2F e8perts at *orne!! 5ni$ersity. But as the date drew c!oser
on the ca!endar, we started ha$in" second thou"hts. The e8perience was "oin" to
+e c!inica! and impersona! enou"h, and we were so tired o tra$e! that the idea o
+ein" in a stran"e hote! room or wee#s in /ew 6or# sounded as unappea!in" as a
chemo cyc!e. ,e chan"ed course and decided to see# an I2F specia!ist at home in
%ustin, 0r. Thomas 2au"hn. On 0ecem+er BI, we had our ;rst consu!tation with
0r. 2au"hn. Both o us were ner$ous as we sat on the couch in his oHce, and out
o ha+it I wore what Kiri ca!!ed my >medica! demeanor,> which I put on in any
c!inica! situation, a ti"ht<!ipped, hard !oo#. Kiri smi!ed a !ot to o-set my "rimness,
so 0r. 2au"hn wou!d thin# we were ;t to +e parents. %s we discussed the I2F
procedure, I noticed Kiri +!ushed s!i"ht!y. She wasn.t used to the c!inica!
!an"ua"e, +ut ater testicu!ar cancer, discussin" se8ua! matters pu+!ic!y with
stran"ers was no +i" dea! to me. ,e !et the oHce with a rou"h p!an in p!ace and
a sense o surprise that it cou!d happen so ast1i thin"s wor#ed, Kiri cou!d +e
pre"nant +y Fe+ruary. The timin" was important, +ecause we.d ha$e to p!an the
arri$a! o the new +a+y a!on" with my cyc!in" schedu!e i I wanted to win the Tour
de France. Two days !ater, Kiri went to an K<ray !a+ or her ;rst appointment.
/urses strapped her to a s!idin" K<ray ta+!e and stuc# a torture de$ice inside her
that sprayed dye. The K ray was to ma#e sure she didn.t ha$e any +!oc#ed tu+es
or other pro+!ems. ,e!!, the nurses messed up twice +eore they ;na!!y "ot it
ri"ht, and it hurt Kiri to the point that she so++ed. But, typica! Kiri, she was
impatient with herse! or cryin". >I.m so pathetic,> she said. The ne8t ni"ht was
/ew 6ear.s 3$e, the !ast ni"ht o !i+ations or her. %s o the /ew 6ear she orswore
a!coho! and ca-eine. The o!!owin" mornin" my &a$a Tueen nursed a han"o$er
and ca-eine withdrawa!, and rom then on she didn.t touch a drop. ,e wanted our
+a+y to +e pristine. % wee# !ater, we had an appointment at the hospita! or what
we thou"ht was a simp!e meetin" with an I2F nurse. ,ron". ,e wa!#ed into the
room and it was, no @o#e, sta"ed !i#e an inter$ention. Two !on" ta+!es aced each
other, with tense coup!es ho!din" hands in utter si!ence. % too<chipper nurse said
she had to ta#e our photo or her ;!es, so we "ritted our teeth and smi!ed, and we
sat down or two hours o Se8 3d, comp!ete with o!d ;!ms o sperm swimmin" up
the tu+es. ,e.d a!! seen it in hi"h schoo!, and we didn.t want to see it a"ain. The
nurses handed out inormation pac#ets and proceeded to "o throu"h them pa"e
+y pa"e. I s=uirmed in my seat, and #ept Kiri amused +y drawin" pictures o a
sperm with a circ!e and a s!ash throu"h it, and whisperin" @o#es. I to!d Kiri I e!t
!i#e I was at an %!<%non meetin": >Hi, my name is Lance and I ha$e no sperm.> I
e!+owed Kiri to "o, +ut there was ne$er a "ood time to !ea$e. ,e +oth sat there,
dyin" to +o!t, +ut we cou!dn.t ;nd the ri"ht, po!ite +rea#. Fina!!y we cou!dn.t ta#e
one more minute. Kiri "athered her pamph!ets, stood up, and race<wa!#ed out o
the room with me ri"ht on her whee!. ,e +urst out o the room, "iddy as schoo!
#ids, and ran to our car !au"hin" and out o +reath, and wondered a!oud i we
were too immature to +e parents. % ew days !ater we returned to the I2F oHce
or +!ood tests. Kiri turned +edsheet white when she had her +!ood drawn. I to!d
her she was a s#irt, +ut I actua!!y sympathi'ed. She has need!e<pho+ia1and she
was in or a rou"h ew wee#s. That ni"ht she too# her ;rst Lupron shot. Lupron is
a dru" that pre$ents women rom o$u!atin", and she re=uired ten units e$ery B?
hours1which meant a shot e$ery ni"ht unti! the doctors to!d her to stop. For
someone with an a$ersion to need!es, those shots were hi"h!y unner$in". To ma#e
matters worse, she had to administer them to herse!. 3$ery ni"ht at e8act!y I:MD
4.M., Kiri had to "o into the +athroom and "i$e herse! a shot in the thi"h. The ;rst
time she did it, her hands shoo# so +ad!y that she cou!dn.t "et the tiny +u++!es
out o the syrin"e. Fina!!y she pinched her thi"h hard, swore out !oud, and stuc#
herse!. In the midd!e o the wee#, the 5.S. 4osta! team came to %ustin to do wind<
tunne! testin". Kiri and I too# e$ery+ody out to dinner, +ut @ust as the entrees
arri$ed Kiri !oo#ed at her watch. It was I:MD 4.M. She e8cused herse!, and went to
the +athroom and >shot up !i#e some @un#ie,> as she de!icate!y put it. %ter wind<
tunne! testin", the 5.S. 4osta! team went to *a!iornia or a trainin" camp and I
had to "o with them, which meant Kiri wou!d +e a!one in the pre"nancy pro@ect or
se$era! days. ,hi!e I was away, Kiri made a "rand pi!"rima"e to the c!inic in San
%ntonio where my ro'en sperm was stored. I had +een payin" rent on it, JCDD
e$ery year. 3ar!y that mornin", Kiri went to the I2F oHce in %ustin and pic#ed up a
+i" ro'en tan#, which ;!!ed the passen"er seat ne8t to her. She dro$e an hour to
San %ntonio and !u""ed the tan# inside the +ui!din" and up to the CMth 7oor,
where she read a 1ouse ,eautiful ma"a'ine whi!e one o the nurses prepared our
ami!y or the icy trip +ac# to %ustin. %t my re=uest, the nurse opened the tan#
+rie7y to show Kiri the initia!s =% etched into the $ia!. >I said a si!ent prayer that
the $ia! didn.t +e!on" to some "uy named Larry %nderson,> she to!d me !ater. On
her way +ac# she dro$e $ery careu!!y and answered se$era! in=uirin" ca!!s rom
me, chec#in" her
pro"ress. I didn.t ee! =uite sae unti! she had deposited the tan# +ac# into the
hands o the I2F sta-. It was not =uite the romantic cand!e!i"ht inter!ude we had
in mind, +ut we were now prepared to concei$e a chi!d. Kiri continued to shoot
herse! up. One ni"ht she had a +unch o "ir!riends to the house or dinner, and
when I:MD came around none o them cou!d +e!ie$e she was actua!!y "oin" to
stic# herse! with a need!e, so they @oined her in the master +ath to watch. *a!! it
sta"e ri"ht, ca!! it s!ippery ;n"ers1+ut she dropped her !ast "!ass $ia! o Lupron
on the +athroom ti!e and it shattered. She stared at it, dis+e!ie$in" and horri;ed,
#nowin" u!! we!! that i she missed her shot, she wou!d a!so miss the entire cyc!e
and ha$e to start a!! o$er a"ain in another month. Her eyes ;!!ed up with tears.
,hi!e her riends c!eaned up the shards +eore the do" ate them, Kiri rantica!!y
searched throu"h her ino +inder or the name o the nurse on ca!!, and reached
her. It was I:?: on a Saturday ni"ht, and Kiri tearu!!y e8p!ained the situation. The
nurse said, >Oh, dear.> They +oth ca!!ed around town to ;nd a pharmacy that was
open. Fina!!y Kiri ound one, and raced down the reeway. The pharmacist #ept the
store open, waited or her to arri$e, and "a$e her a "ood<!uc# pat as she !et. %
coup!e o days !ater, Kiri went +ac# to 0r. 2au"hn or a +ase!ine sono"ram to
count and measure her e""s. It was hard or Kiri to "o to the doctor +y herse!. %!!
o the other women at the c!inic a!ways had their hus+ands with them, and she
cou!d ee! them !oo#in" at her as she !eaed throu"h 6eople ma"a'ine. She read
their thou"hts: they wondered why someone so youn" wou!d need I2F, and why
she was a!ways a!one. 0octor 2au"hn started her on )ona!<F. This was the dru"
that wou!d stimu!ate the o!!ic!e and ma#e her produce more e""s. From now on
she wou!d ha$e to ta#e two shots: ;$e units o Lupron and three u!! $ia!s o
)ona!<F. She to!d me that her +ody, once a temp!e, was now >a cross +etween a
pincushion and a henhouse.> Mi8in" the )ona!<F was hard to do. It came in
powder orm in "!ass $ia!s. Kiri had to ta#e a syrin"e with a !on" need!e, which
made her i!! @ust to !oo# at, and draw a ha!<unit o a steri!e water so!ution. Then
she +ro#e the tops o- the $ia!s o powder and shot the !i=uid into each $ia!. She
;!!ed the syrin"e with the mi8ture, 7ic#ed it to remo$e a at air +u++!e at the top,
and s=uirted unti! the air poc#et mo$ed up and out o the need!e. Then she
in@ected the e$i! need!e.s contents into her thi"h. On &anuary BB, Kiri went to 0r.
2au"hn at 9 %.M. to ha$e +!ood drawn yet a"ain. %nother need!e. She !oo#ed as
ar away rom it as possi+!e and ocused on the Far Side cartoons taped to the
wa!!, wonderin" how she was "oin" to hand!e chi!d+irth i she cou!dn.t e$en "i$e
+!ood without ee!in" woo'y. Then, at ? 4.M. the same day, she went back to 0r.
2au"hn.s oHce to "et her second sono"ram. It re$ea!ed CB e""s, a!! o them
"rowin" ri"ht on schedu!e. It was the hei"ht o irony: on the same day that she
had the sono"ram, I went rom *a!iornia to Ore"on to see 0r. /icho!s or my si8<
month cancer chec#up. 0r. /icho!s had mo$ed rom Indianapo!is to 4ort!and, +ut I
continued to $isit him or my periodic monitorin". I cou!dn.t he!p remar#in" on the
act that whi!e I was seein" one #ind o doctor, she was seein" another, or
entire!y di-erent purposes. But we to!d ourse!$es they had one thin" in common:
each con;rmed the possi+i!ity o !ie. Kiri was a!most ready or >retrie$a!,> the
sur"ery to har$est her e""s. The day +eore she was due to ha$e the procedure I
arri$ed +ac# home, to our mutua! re!ie. That day she underwent one more round
o +!ood tests and sono"rams, and yet another shot, a dose o H*), the +!ood
mar#er that had haunted my !ie durin" chemo. In this case, H*) was a "ood
thin"A it wou!d mature the e"" in Kiri.s +ody or retrie$a!. She had the shot at
e8act!y 9:MD 4.M., MF hours +eore sur"ery, at a !oca! c!inic. It was the !on"est
need!e yet, +ut a $ery "ent!e nurse administered the shot whi!e Kiri !ay on a ta+!e
=ui$erin". That ni"ht, she dreamed o #ni$es and henhouses. On the day o the
procedure, we rose at F %.M. and went to the day<sur"ery center, where Kiri was
"i$en hospita! attire to chan"e into, comp!ete with a +!ue shower cap and
patient.s "own. The anesthesio!o"ist e8p!ained his procedure and handed us a
stac# o re!eases to si"n. /er$ous!y, we scri++!ed our names on each o them,
inc!udin" one that "a$e the doctors the ri"ht to cut open her a+domen to retrie$e
the e""s i the traditiona! way o e8tractin" them $ia a need!e didn.t wor#. Then
Kiri wa!#ed into the sur"ery room.
She was !itera!!y strapped to a ta+!e, with her arms outstretched !i#e a cruci;8ion.
She doesn.t remem+er anythin" ater the anesthesia I2 +e"an. It.s a "ood thin".
The doctor har$ested her e""s usin" a $ery !on" need!e and a catheter. ,hen she
wo#e up in the reco$ery room, she saw me !eanin" o$er her. >,i!! you "et in +ed
with meG> she as#ed. I craw!ed in ne8t to her, and #ept her company whi!e she
do'ed on and o- or another hour. Fina!!y she wo#e up, and the hospita! re!eased
us. I pushed her in a whee!chair out to our car, and or on!y the second time in my
!ie, I dro$e the speed !imit home. Kiri spent the wee#end restin", s!eepin", and
watchin" mo$ies whi!e I coo#ed and !oo#ed ater her. Bart Kna""s. wie, Bar+ara,
came +y with some 7owers and handed us a carton o e""s. >Since you no !on"er
ha$e any,> she said. It hurt Kiri to !au"h, +ut it didn.t hurt as +ad!y as the
pro"esterone shot I "a$e her. The !atest doctor.s order was a ni"ht!y dose o
pro"esterone, and this was the !on"est and most oi!y<!oo#in" need!e yet. I had to
do it or her.
On Fe+ruary C, 0r. 2au"hn ca!!ed with our erti!i'ation report. They had derosted
the ro'en sperm and erti!i'ed Kiri.s e""s $ia a procedure ca!!ed intracytop!asmic
sperm in@ection NI*SIO, where+y they physica!!y in@ected one sperm into each e"".
,e had nine $ia+!e e""s, he said. O those nine, si8 were perect, two were
possi+!e, and one was +ro#en. ,e decided to imp!ant three o the perect ones in
Kiri.s wom+, and to ree'e the other three. It was stran"e to thin# that we were
ree'in" our uture chi!dren. %ter we hun" up, we had a moment o panic. I
wondered a!oud, >,hat wou!d we wou!d do i a!! three worked$+ ,e cou!d end up
with three screamin", scamperin", spoon<+an"in" todd!ers a!! at the same time.
Three days ater the retrie$a!, we went +ac# to the hospita! or the >transer,>
which was the c!inica!, +us<station term or what we considered the most
important day in our !i$es apart rom our weddin". ,e were ushered to the day<
sur"ery area, where our em+ryo!o"ist, Beth ,i!!iamson, e8p!ained that she had
spent the wee#end erti!i'in" our em+ryos. She said that when she thawed the
sperm she was happy to ;nd that they were a!i$e and swimmin", which was a
re!ie +ecause this is not a!ways the case ater cryo<preser$ation. She said the
erti!i'ation went smooth!y1and she e$en had photos or us. >Here.s the "roup
shot,> she said, which was her hi!arious term or a u''y ima"e o three em+ryos
to"ether, o!!owed +y indi$idua! shots o each. The em+ryos had ei"ht ce!!s, and
they were di$idin" ri"ht on schedu!e. >*an you te!! the "enderG> Kiri as#ed. 0r.
,i!!iamson said no, that the "ender at this sta"e cou!d on!y +e determined +y
remo$in" one o the ce!!s and doin" 0/% testin". I.d had enou"h procedures to
!ast me a !ietime. >5h, no than#s,> I said. >,e.d rather +e curious.> %ter Beth !et,
a nurse came in with two sets o scru+s1one or Kiri and one or me. %s we "ot
dressed, Kiri said, >6ou !oo# !i#e some hun# rom /-.+ )i""!in", we as#ed 0r.
2au"hn to ta#e a picture o us, to mar# our !ast moment as a coup!e without
chi!dren. Then we went into a dar#ened sur"ery room. The !i"hts were dimmed to
ma#e e$erythin" as re!a8in" as possi+!e. ,e weren.t an8iousA we were on!y $ery
e8cited, and +oth "rinnin" !i#e idiots. Fina!!y, the doctor indicated to the
em+ryo!o"ist team that it was time, and they came in with our three em+ryos in a
syrin"e. I sat on a stoo! ne8t to Kiri, and I he!d +oth o her hands under the sheet.
,ithin ;$e minutes it was comp!ete. ,e ne$er too# our eyes o- o each other.
/e8t, the team !ited Kiri $ery careu!!y onto a "urney and whee!ed her into the
sma!! reco$ery room, where she had to !ie motion!ess or one hour. I spraw!ed out
on a +ed ne8t to her. ,e @ust !ay there to"ether, !oo#in" up at the cei!in", and
teasin" each other a+out ha$in" trip!ets. %ter our hour was up, a nurse came in
and e8p!ained that Kiri wou!d ha$e to spend the ne8t two days doin" a+so!ute!y
nothin". I dro$e careu!!y home, and put her in +ed, and waited on her. I de!i$ered
her !unch on a tray, and or dinner I set the ta+!e with pretty c!oth nap#ins.
>%rmstron", party o ;$e,> I announced. I ser$ed dinner !i#e a headwaiter. Kiri was
on!y a!!owed to sit up whi!e we ate, and in +etween the sa!ad and the main course
I made her !ie down on the soa. She du++ed me >the warden.> Kiri wo#e up the
ne8t mornin" to me #issin" her stomach. That day she +e"an ta#in" medications
we ca!!ed
>hatchin" dru"s.> The em+ryo!o"y team had po#ed a microscopic ho!e in each o
the erti!i'ed o!!ic!es +eore they transerred them, and the hatchin" dru"s, a!on"
with that tiny ho!e, wou!d he!p the em+ryos hatch out o the o!!ic!e and imp!ant.
,e wou!dn.t #now or two wee#s, unti! Fe+ruary C:, whether Kiri was actua!!y
pre"nant, and we cou!d +are!y wait. ,e #ept tryin" to notice any su+t!e chan"es
in the way she e!t. But considerin" that she had +een ta#in" shots and pi!!s or
wee#s on end, it was hard to ma#e a comparison to >norma!.> >0o you ee!
anythin" di-erentG> I #ept as#in", an8ious!y. >,hat is it supposed to ee! !i#eG> ,e
wondered a+out it a!! the time. >%m IG> she.d say. Fina!!y, on the e!e$enth day
ater the transp!ant, Kiri went +ac# to the hospita! ear!y in the mornin" to ha$e
+!ood drawn or her H*) Npre"nancyO test. She was so ner$ous that she turned
the radio o- and prayed to herse! on the way there and +ac#. The resu!ts wou!d
+e +ac# +y C:MD 4.M., so we tried to pass the time +y ;8in" a +i" +rea#ast,
showerin", and pac#in" or 3urope. &ust as Kiri was ta#in" the do" out or a wa!#,
the phone ran". I pic#ed it up and I said, >5h<huh,> and !istened, and my eyes
;!!ed with tears. I hun" up the phone, and I "ra++ed her in a hu"e hu", and I said,
>Ba+e, you.re pre"nant.> Kiri threw her arms around me and said, >%re you sure$+
I !au"hed, and then we +oth cried. /ow that we #new she was pre"nant, the
=uestion +ecame, how many +a+ies was she carryin"G I cheeru!!y announced that
I hoped she was carryin" trip!et +oys. >The more the +etter,> I said. Kiri ro!!ed her
eyes. >My hus+and has a rich antasy !ie,> she said. >3ither that or he ;nds humor
in tormentin" me.> >I picture you on an e!e$en<hour internationa! 7i"ht with the
trip!ets,> I said. >See a!so: insanity, ati"ue, catatonic state, insomnia.> Kiri was
sure to do e$erythin" careu!!y. She ate rom a!! the ma@or ood "roups, she wa!#ed
our mi!es a day, she too# her prenata! $itamins, and she napped. She +ou"ht a
stac# o pre"nancy +oo#s, and we !oo#ed at cri+s. Friends #ept as#in" i she had
+een sic# yet, which she hadn.t. In act, she e!t so "ood that she +e"an to wonder
i may+e the hospita! mi8ed up her +!ood test and she wasn.t pre"nant ater a!!.
She did a home pre"nancy test @ust to ease her ears. Two !ines popped ri"ht up.
>O#ay, @ust chec#in",> she said. Fina!!y, I had to return to 3urope and the 5.S.
4osta! team. Kiri stayed +ehind or a coup!e more tests, +ut she wou!d @oin me
o$erseas as soon as possi+!e. On March :, she had a sono"ram to @ud"e the
num+er o +a+ies she was carryin". I had a!most con$inced her that she was
"oin" to +ear trip!et +oys1+ut the sono"ram showed that we had one hea!thy
+a+y. /ot twins, not trip!ets. She was re!ie$ed, +ut a tiny part o her was odd!y
disappointed, not +ecause she wanted us to +e the parents o mu!tip!es, +ut
+ecause she cou!dn.t i"nore the $a"ue !oss she e!t, wonderin" what happened to
the other two. Kiri as#ed 0r. 2au"hn i there was any possi+!e thin" we cou!d ha$e
done wron" that mi"ht ha$e #ept the other two rom !i$in". He said a+so!ute!y
not, and that there are sti!! some thin"s that are natura! and ine8p!ica+!e, e$en in
a seemin"!y steri!e, scienti;c procedure. Then 0r. 2au"hn said, >That.s =uite a
stron" heart+eat we ha$e here.> He pointed to a tiny +!in#in" +ean on the screen.
The entire thin" was 7ashin". Kiri !au"hed and said, >It de;nite!y isn.t my "enes
that made a heart +eat !i#e that. That.s Lance.> 0r. 2au"hn printed out an o+scure
photo o the +ean or Kiri to ta#e to 3urope or me. % coup!e o days !ater, Kiri
arri$ed in /ice. She handed me the picture. I studied it, awestruc#, a+so!ute!y
mesmeri'ed. That +ean with a 7ashin" heart+eat made me ee! more a!i$e than
anythin" I had e8perienced yet. It made me ee! as c!ean and re$erent as Boone.
It made me ee! as i I had sur$i$ed, at !ast. >Ride !i#e the wind,> Kiri to!d me. >Bi"
0addy %rmstron" has a ami!y to support.>
nine
TH3 TO5R LIF3 IS LO/)<<<HO43F5LL6. B5T >LO/)> IS % re!ati$e term: a minute can
seem !i#e a month when you.re peda!in" uphi!!, which is why there are ew thin"s
that seem !on"er than the Tour de France. How !on" is itG Lon" as a reeway
"uardrai! stretchin" into shimmerin", 7at<topped o+!i$ion. Lon" as ;e!ds o
parched summer hay with no ences in si"ht. Lon" as the $iew o three nations
rom atop an icy, @a""ed pea# in the 4yrenees. It wou!d +e easy to see the Tour de
France as a monumenta!!y inconse=uentia! underta#in": BDD riders cyc!in" the
entire circumerence o France, mountains inc!uded, o$er three wee#s in the heat
o the summer. There is no reason to attempt such a eat o idiocy, other than the
act that some peop!e, which is to say some peop!e !i#e me, ha$e a need to search
the depths o their stamina or se!<de;nition. NI.m the "uy who can ta#e it.O It.s a
contest in purpose!ess su-erin". But or reasons o my own, I thin# it may +e the
most "a!!ant ath!etic endea$or in the wor!d. To me, o course, it.s a+out !i$in". %
!itt!e history: the +icyc!e was an in$ention o the industria! re$o!ution, a!on" with
the steam en"ine and the te!e"raph, and the ;rst Tour was he!d in CEDM, the resu!t
o a cha!!en"e in the French sportin" press issued +y the newspaper ='%uto. O the
si8ty racers who started, on!y BC ;nished, and the e$ent immediate!y capti$ated
the nation. %n estimated CDD,DDD spectators !ined the roads into 4aris, and there
was cheatin" ri"ht rom the start: drin#s were spi#ed, and tac#s and +ro#en
+ott!es were thrown onto the road +y the !eaders to sa+ota"e the riders chasin"
them. The ear!y riders had to carry their own ood and e=uipment, their +i#es had
@ust two "ears, and they used their eet as +ra#es. The ;rst mountain sta"es were
introduced in CECD Na!on" with +ra#esO, when the pe!oton rode throu"h the %!ps,
despite the threat o attac#s rom wi!d anima!s. In CEC?, the race +e"an on the
same day that the %rchdu#e Ferdinand was shot. Fi$e days ater the ;nish o the
race, war swept into the same %!ps the riders had c!im+ed. Today, the race is a
mar$e! o techno!o"y. The +i#es are so !i"ht you can !it them o$erhead with one
hand, and the riders are e=uipped with computers, heart monitors, and e$en two<
way radios. But the essentia! test o the race has not chan"ed: who can +est
sur$i$e the hardships and ;nd the stren"th to #eep "oin"G %ter my persona!
ordea!, I cou!dn.t he!p ee!in" it was a race I was suited or. Beore the .EE season
+e"an, I went to Indianapo!is or a cancer<awareness dinner, and I stopped +y the
hospita! to see my o!d cancer riends. Scott Shapiro said, >So, you.re returnin" to
sta"e racin"G> I said yes, and then I as#ed a =uestion. >0o you thin# I can win the
Tour de FranceG> >I not on!y thin# you can,> he said. >I e8pect you to.> %t ;rst, the
CEEE cyc!in" season was a tota! ai!ure. In the second race o the year, the Tour o
2a!encia, I crashed o- the +i#e and a!most +ro#e my shou!der. I too# two wee#s
o-, +ut no sooner did I "et +ac# on than I crashed a"ain: I was on a trainin" ride
in the south o France when an e!der!y woman ran her car o- the side o the road
and sideswiped me. I su-ered !i#e the pro$er+ia! do" throu"h 4aris1/ice and
Mi!an<San Remo in !ousy weather, stru""!in" to mid<pac# ;nishes. I wrote it o- to
ear!y<season +ad orm, and went on to the ne8t race1where I crashed a"ain. On
the !ast corner o the ;rst sta"e, I spun out in the rain. My tires went out rom
under me in a dus#y oi! s!ic# and I tum+!ed o- the +i#e. I went home. The pro+!em
was simp!y that I was rusty, so or two so!id wee#s I wor#ed on my techni=ue, unti!
I e!t secure in the sadd!e. ,hen I came +ac#, I stayed upri"ht. I ;na!!y won
somethin", a time<tria!
sta"e in the *ircuit de !a Sarthe. My resu!ts pic#ed up. But it was unny, I wasn.t as
"ood in the one<day races anymore. I was no !on"er the an"ry and unsett!ed
youn" rider I had +een. My racin" was sti!! intense, +ut it had +ecome su+t!er in
sty!e and techni=ue, not as $isi+!y a""ressi$e. Somethin" di-erent ue!ed me now
1psycho!o"ica!!y, physica!!y, and emotiona!!y1and that somethin" was the Tour
de France. I was wi!!in" to sacri;ce the entire season to prepare or the Tour. I
sta#ed e$erythin" on it. I s#ipped a!! the sprin" c!assics, the presti"ious races that
comprised the +ac#+one o the internationa! cyc!in" tour, and instead pic#ed and
chose on!y a handu! o e$ents that wou!d he!p me pea# in &u!y. /o+ody cou!d
understand what I was doin". In the past, I.d made my !i$in" in the c!assics. ,hy
wasn.t I ridin" in the races I.d won +eoreG Fina!!y a @ourna!ist came up to me and
as#ed i I was entered in any o the sprin" c!assics. >/o,> I said. >,e!!, why notG>
>I.m ocusin" on the Tour.> He #ind o smir#ed at me and said, >Oh, so you.re a
Tour rider now.> Li#e I was @o#in". I @ust !oo#ed at him, and thou"ht, Whate&er,
dude. We'll see. /ot !on" aterward, I ran into Mi"ue! Indurain in a hote! e!e$ator.
He, too, as#ed me what I was doin". >I.m spendin" a !ot o time trainin" in the
4yrenees,> I said. +6or2ue$+ he as#ed >,hyG> >For the Tour,> I said. He !ited an
eye+row in surprise, and reser$ed comment. 3$ery mem+er o our 4osta! team
was as committed to the Tour as I was. The 4osta! roster was as o!!ows: Fran#ie
%ndreu was a +i", poweru! sprinter and our captain, an accomp!ished $eteran
who had #nown me since I was a teena"er. Ke$in Li$in"ston and Ty!er Hami!ton
were our ta!ented youn" c!im+in" specia!istsA )eor"e Hincapie was the 5.S. 4ro
champion and another ran"y sprinter !i#e Fran#ieA *hristian 2ande$e!de was one
o the most ta!ented roo#ies aroundA 4asca! 0erame, &onathan 2au"hters, and
4eter Meinert</ei!sen were !oya! domesti=ues who wou!d ride at hi"h speed or
hours without comp!aint. The man who shaped us into a team was our director,
&ohan Bruynee!, a po#er<aced Be!"ian and ormer Tour rider. &ohan #new what was
re=uired to win the TourA he had won sta"es twice durin" his own career. In CEEM,
he won what at the time was the astest sta"e in Tour history, and in CEE:, he
won another when he outdue!ed Indurain in a spectacu!ar ;nish into Lie"e. It was
@ust &ohan and Indurain a!one at the ront, and he sat on Indurain.s whee! the
who!e way, unti! he pu!!ed around and +eat him in the sprint across the !ine. He
was a smart, resourceu! rider who #new how to +eat more poweru! competitors,
and he +rou"ht the same sure sense o strate"y to our team. It was &ohan.s idea
to ho!d trainin" camps. ,e +ou"ht into his p!an, reusin" to comp!ain, and spent a
wee# apiece in the %!ps and the 4yrenees. ,e scouted the mountain terrain o the
Tour, and practiced the c!im+s we.d +e acin", ridin" +ac#<to<+ac# se$en<hour
days in a!! weather. %s we went o$er the mountainous sections, I wor#ed
especia!!y c!ose!y with Ke$in and Ty!er +ecause they were our c!im+ers, the "uys
who wou!d ha$e to do most o the wor# pu!!in" me up those "radients. ,hi!e most
other riders were restin" in the o-<season or competin" in the c!assics, we rode
uphi!! in ou! conditions. &ohan and I had a runnin" @o#e. It was &anuary in the
4yrenees, and e$ery day it pissed down rain. I was "ettin" +eat up, hammered +y
those c!im+s, whi!e &ohan o!!owed in the warmth o a car, ta!#in" me throu"h it
$ia a two<way radio. One day I "ot on the air and said, >&ohan.> >6es, Lance, what
do you wantG> >I.m doin" the c!assics ne8t year.> From then on, I said it e$ery day.
4retty soon &ohan #new what was comin". >&ohan.> >Let me "uess, Lance,> he.d
say, tone!ess!y. >6ou.re doin" the c!assics ne8t year.>
>Ri"ht.> ,hen we weren.t in the %!ps or 4yrenees, I trained on my own. There was
a purpose to e$erythin" I did. Kiri and I !i$ed day in and day out with on!y two
thin"s in mind: the Tour de France and ha$in" a hea!thy +a+y. %nythin" e!se was
secondary, an unnecessary distraction. But there was a sort o peace in the
simp!icity o our dedication. I "ee#ed out. I tac#!ed the pro+!em o the Tour as i I
were in math c!ass, science c!ass, chemistry c!ass, and nutrition c!ass, a!! ro!!ed
into one. I did computer ca!cu!ations that +a!anced my +ody wei"ht and my
e=uipment wei"ht with the potentia! $e!ocity o the +i#e in $arious sta"es, tryin"
to ;nd the e=uation that wou!d "et me to the ;nish !ine aster than any+ody e!se.
I #ept careu! computer "raphs o my trainin" rides, ca!i+ratin" the distances,
watta"es, and thresho!ds. 3$en eatin" +ecame mathematica!. I measured my ood
inta#e. I #ept a sma!! sca!e in the #itchen and wei"hed the portions o pasta and
+read. Then I ca!cu!ated my watta"es $ersus my ca!oric inta#e, so I #new precise!y
how much to eat each day, how many ca!ories to +urn, so that the amount comin"
in wou!d +e !ess than my output, and I wou!d !ose wei"ht. There was one
unoreseen +ene;t o cancer: it had comp!ete!y reshaped my +ody. I now had a
much sparer +ui!d. In o!d pictures, I !oo#ed !i#e a oot+a!! p!ayer with my thic#
nec# and +i" upper +ody, which had contri+uted to my +u!!ishness on the +i#e.
But parado8ica!!y, my stren"th had he!d me +ac# in the mountains, +ecause it
too# so much wor# to hau! that wei"ht uphi!!. /ow I was a!most "aunt, and the
resu!t was a !i"htness I.d ne$er e!t on the +i#e +eore. I was !eaner in +ody and
more +a!anced in spirit. The dou+t a+out me as a Tour rider was my c!im+in"
a+i!ity. I cou!d a!ways sprint, +ut the mountains were my downa!!. 3ddy Merc#8
had +een te!!in" me to s!im down or years, and now I understood why. % ;$e<
pound drop was a !ar"e wei"ht !oss or the mountains1and I had !ost C: pounds.
It was a!! I needed. I +ecame $ery "ood in the mountains. 3ach mornin" I rose and
ate the same thin" or +rea#ast, some mues!i with +read and ruit, un!ess it was
"oin" to +e a particu!ar!y !on" trainin" ride, in which case I had a p!ate o
scram+!ed e"" whites. ,hi!e I ate, Kiri ;!!ed my water +ott!es, and I +o!ted out the
door +y I %.M. to @oin Ke$in and Ty!er or a trainin" ride. Most days I wou!d ride
strai"ht throu"h !unch, unti! a+out M 4.M. ,hen I came home I.d shower and !ie
down or a nap unti! dinnertime. I.d "et up a"ain in the e$enin", wei"h my pasta,
and ha$e dinner with Kiri. ,e didn.t do anythin". ,e didn.t "o anywhere. ,e @ust
ate, and then went +ac# to +ed, so I cou!d "et up in the mornin" and train a"ain.
That was our !ie or se$era! months. Sometimes Kiri.s riends wou!d say, >Oh, you
!i$e in the South o France, how "!amorous.> They had no idea. ,hi!e I trained, Kiri
wou!d do errands or rest on our $eranda. She thou"ht /ice was the perect p!ace
to +e pre"nant, +ecause she cou!d wander the outdoor mar#ets +uyin" resh ruit
and $e"eta+!es. In the e$enin"s we wou!d thum+ throu"h pre"nancy +oo#s and
o!!ow the "rowth o the +a+y. First it was the si'e o a pin, then a !emon. The +i"
day came when Kiri had trou+!e +uttonin" her @eans or the ;rst time. The e8tent
o the commitment rom Kiri as we!! as rom me was $ery serious. *yc!in" was a
hard, hard @o+, and Kiri respected it as such. >Ha$e a "ood day at wor#,> she said
each mornin" as I !et. I we +oth hadn.t +een e=ua!!y dedicated to the !iesty!e, it
wou!dn.t ha$e wor#ed. I she had e!t +ored, cheated, or discontented, we cou!d
not ha$e "otten throu"h the months peaceu!!y. She mi"ht as we!! ha$e +een a
team domesti=ue, that.s how inte"ra! she was to my trainin" process. Ke$in cou!d
see it, +ecause he was our +est riend and a!so had an apartment in /ice. 5n!i#e
me, he had no one to come home to in 3urope. ,hen he returned rom a race or
trainin" camp he came +ac# to an empty apartment, and sometimes to spoi!ed
mi!#. I had resh !aundry, a c!ean house, a cat, a do", and e$erythin" I needed to
eat. But it too# a !ot o wor# rom Kiri to #eep it up. I had a!ways +een
uncomorta+!e and !onesome !i$in" in 3urope, unti! I did it as a happi!y married
man. /ow I was !earnin" to !o$e it. There were days when I had a 7at and was out
in the midd!e o nowhere, and I.d ca!! home and Kiri wou!d come !oo# or me.
Some aternoons she wou!d dri$e up into the mountains @ust to +rin" me )atorade
and ood. She !earned e$erythin" a+out cyc!in", so she cou!d +e he!pu!. She #new
what I needed and when,
which days were the tou"h ones, when it was "ood to ta!#, and when to !ea$e me
a!one. On the rea!!y hard trainin" days, she wou!d +e on pins and need!es waitin"
to see how it had "one, +ecause she #new how I measured my preparation and
how important it was or me to +e on tar"et. I it didn.t "o we!!, she understood
my disappointment and my "rumpiness. %t the end o %pri!, I returned to racin" in
a presti"ious one<day c!assic ca!!ed the %mste! )o!d Race, to "au"e my orm.
From the start, I e!t !i#e a di-erent, stron"er rider. For much o the day I due!ed
with Michae! Boo"erd o Ho!!and, considered one o the top riders in the wor!d.
,ith ten mi!es to "o, I rode at the ront. Boo"erd sat on my whee!, trai!in" me. By
now I #new, or at !east I thou"ht I #new, that I was "oin" to +eat him in the ;na!
sprint to the ;nish. I wou!d ha$e +et my hea!th on it. I was that certain. I started
the !ast sprint1and Boo"erd came out o the +o8. He cut around and drew e$en
with me, and we dashed the !ast ew hundred yards1and I !ost. I !ost +y a
centimeter. Less than a tire width. I was de$astated. I had +een a+so!ute!y certain
I wou!d win, +ut what cut me the most was that Boo"erd was wide!y considered a
+i" a$orite to win the Tour de France. %s we stood side +y side on the podium, a!!
I cou!d thin# a+out was what it meant or my Tour p!ans. Sudden!y, I !eaned o$er
and I said to Michae!, >6ou.re "oin" to pay me +ac# in &u!y.> He !oo#ed at me
stran"e!y. >,hat are you ta!#in" a+outG> he said. >It.s %pri!.> I went +ac# to
trainin". I rode, and I rode, and I rode. I rode !i#e I had ne$er ridden, punishin" my
+ody up and down e$ery hi!! I cou!d ;nd. There were somethin" !i#e :D "ood,
arduous c!im+s around /ice, so!id inc!ines o ten mi!es or more. The tric# was not
to c!im+ e$ery once in a whi!e, +ut to c!im+ repeated!y. I wou!d do three di-erent
c!im+s in a day, o$er the course o a si8< or se$en<hour ride. % CB<mi!e c!im+ too#
a+out an hour, so that te!!s you what my days were !i#e. I rode when no one e!se
wou!d ride, sometimes not e$en my teammates. I remem+er one day in particu!ar,
May M, a raw 3uropean sprin" day, +itin" co!d. I steered my +i#e into the %!ps,
with &ohan o!!owin" in a car. By now it was s!eetin" and MB de"rees. I didn.t care.
,e stood at the roadside and !oo#ed at the $iew and the weather, and &ohan
su""ested that we s#ip it. I said, >/o. Let.s do it.> I rode or se$en strai"ht hours,
a!one. To win the Tour I had to +e wi!!in" to ride when no one e!se wou!d ride. The
most punishin" ride in /ice was the *o! de !a Madone, or the Madonna. It was a
amous!y tou"h ei"ht<mi!e c!im+ a+o$e the city. 6ou cou!d a!most see it rom our
house, +eyond the ro!!in" hi!!s that rin"ed the s#y!ine. The Madone was too
diHcu!t to train on a!! the time, +ut it was a "reat test o ;tness. Most peop!e did it
once or twice in a season. I did it once a month. Tony Romin"er, who or years was
one o the top riders in the wor!d, used the Madone as his trainin" test when he
!i$ed in Monaco, and he he!d the record or c!im+in" it1MC minutes and MD
seconds. Ke$in Li$in"ston, ar"ua+!y the +est c!im+er on our 4osta! Ser$ice team,
once did it in MB minutes. %t the +e"innin" o my come+ac# in the .EI season, I
had done the Madone in MF minutes. But to win the Tour, I #new I had to whitt!e
the time down considera+!y. >I.m "oin" to +rea# MC,> I announced to Ke$in one
day. That was +i" ta!# comin" rom someone who at the time cou!dn.t e$en +rea#
M: on the hi!!. >6ou.re cra'y,> Ke$in said. But I "ot to M?, and then MM. Then one
aternoon, I c!oc#ed in at MB:MD. Ri"ht +eore the Tour, Ke$in and I rode the
Madone one !ast time. It was a humid day, with @ust a !itt!e +it o wind, $ery
mu""y and hot. ,e raced toward the pea#, which was in c!ouds, M,DDD eet a+o$e
sea !e$e!. ,ith a #i!ometer to "o, Ke$in 7atted. ,hi!e he stopped to chan"e his
tire, I peda!ed on. %s I "ot to the top, I "!anced at the time c!oc# on my
hand!e+ars. I waited or Ke$in. He arri$ed out o +reath and in a +ad mood o$er
his 7at tire. I showed him the time on my computer. The imp!ications or the Tour
hit us. >Oh, +oy,> Ke$in said. >This cou!d +e u"!y.> Kiri #new that whene$er I did
the Madone, it was a serious day. I had +een stone<aced o$er +rea#ast, a!ready
concentratin". ,hen I came home she was waitin" +y the ront door, an8ious to
see how it had "one, whether I was cheeru! or testy. Och was $isitin" us, and he
waited an8ious!y, too. I +ar"ed into the house, !oo#in" "rim. >How.d it "oG> she
as#ed. >The conditions were !ousy,> I said. >Oh,> she said.
>6eah,> I said. >%!! I did was a MD:?9.> She threw her arms around me. Och s!apped
me on the +ac#. >&immy, I.m ready,> I said. % ew days !ater, Och went +ac# to the
States. He to!d e$ery+ody who wou!d !isten that I was "oin" to win the Tour de
France.
I 4%*K30 FOR TH3 TO5R ,ITH % *OM45LSI23, /3R2O5S attention to detai!. Kiri
and I !aid out a!! my thin"s and arran"ed them careu!!y in the suitcase. I insisted
they +e pac#ed a certain way My +i#e shorts had to +e ro!!ed to"ether so that
they ;t in a neat !ine. My shoe+o8es had to +e set in the ri"ht p!ace. )!o$es were
tuc#ed into a particu!ar corner, arm warmers into another. 3$erythin" had to +e
perect!y a!i"ned, so I #new at a "!ance that I had e$ery type o c!othin" or e$ery
type o weather. ,e arri$ed in 4aris or the pre!iminaries to the Tour, which
inc!uded a series o medica! and dru" tests, and mandatory !ectures rom Tour
oHcia!s. 3ach rider was "i$en a Tour >Bi+!e,> a "uide+oo# that showed e$ery sta"e
o the course, with pro;!es o the route and where the eed areas were. ,e
tin#ered with our +i#es, chan"in" hand!e+ars and ma#in" sure our c!eats ;t the
peda!s @ust ri"ht. Some riders were more casua! than others a+out the setup o
their +i#es, +ut I was particu!ar. The crew ca!!ed me Mister Mi!!imeter. In the
prerace hype, our 5.S. 4osta! team was considered an outside shot. /o one ta!#ed
a+out us as ha$in" a chance o winnin". They ta!#ed a+out %+raham O!ano, the
rei"nin" wor!d champion. They ta!#ed a+out Michae! Boo"erd, who had +eaten me
in the %m<ste!. They ta!#ed a+out %!e8ander Qu!!e o Swit'er!and and Fernando
3scartin o Spain. They ta!#ed a+out who wasn.t there, the casua!ties o the
dopin" in$esti"ations. I was a ootnote, the heartwarmin" %merican cancer
sur$i$or. On!y one person seemed to thin# I was capa+!e o it. Short!y +eore the
race +e"an, someone as#ed Mi"ue! Indurain who he thou"ht had a "ood chance o
winnin". May+e he remem+ered our con$ersation in the e!e$ator and #new how I
had trained. >%rmstron"> was his answer. The ;rst sta"e o the Tour was the +rie
4ro!o"ue, a time tria! o ei"ht #i!ometers in Le 4uy du Fou, a town with a
parchment<co!ored chateau and a medie$a! theme par#. The 4ro!o"ue was a
seedin" system o sorts, to separate out the ast riders rom the s!ow and
determine who wou!d ride at the ront o the pe!oton. %!thou"h it was on!y ei"ht
#i!ometers !on", it was a serious test with a+so!ute!y no mar"in or error. 6ou had
to sprint 7at<out, and ;nd ma8imum eHciency, or you wou!d +e +ehind +eore you
e$er started. The riders who wanted to contend in the o$era!! needed to ;nish
amon" the top three or our. The course +e"an with a sprint o ;$e #i!ometers,
and then came a +i" hi!!, a !on" su-er<est o 9DD meters1a c!im+ you cou!dn.t
a-ord to do at anythin" !ess than a!!<out. %ter a sweepin" turn, it was a 7at sprint
to the ;nish. The course wou!d a$or a +u!!ish rider !i#e me, and it had a!so +een
perect or the "reat Indurain, who had once ridden it in a record time o I:CB. %!!
to!d, it shou!d ta#e !ess than nine minutes. The +i""est actor was the hi!!. 6ou
didn.t want to spend a!! your ener"y in the ;rst :K sprint, and then die on the hi!!.
%!so, there was a strate"ic decision to +e made: shou!d I ta#e the hi!! with a +i"
chainrin", or a sma!!er oneG ,e de+ated the matter on and o- or two days. &ohan
was ca!m and e8actin" as he p!otted our strate"y. He +ro#e the race down into
watta"es and sp!it times, and "a$e me precise instructions. He e$en #new what
my heart rate shou!d +e o$er the ;rst sprint: CED. Riders went o- in sta""ered
starts three minutes apart. Reports drited +ac# rom the course. Fran#ie %ndreu,
my teammate, sacri;ced himse! with an e8periment when he tried to c!im+ the
hi!! usin" the +i" rin". It was the wron" decision. By the time he reached the top
o the hi!!, he was done, +!own. He ne$er reco$ered. O!ano +ro#e the course
record with a time o I:CC. Then Qu!!e +eat that with an I:D9. It was my turn.
,hen I.m ridin" we!!, my +ody seems a!most motion!ess on the +i#e with the
e8ception o my !e"s, which !oo# !i#e automated pistons. From +ehind in the team
car, &ohan cou!d see that my shou!ders +are!y swayed, meanin" I was wastin" no
e8tra ener"y, e$erythin" was "oin" into the +i#e, pumpin" it down the road. In my
ear, &ohan "a$e me partia! time chec#s and instructions as I rode.
>6ou.re out o the sadd!e,> &ohan said. >Sit down.> I was pushin" too hard, not
rea!i'in" it. I sat down, and ocused on e8ecution, on the science and techni=ue o
the ride. I had no idea what my o$era!! time was. I @ust peda!ed. I crossed the
;nish !ine. I "!anced at the c!oc#. It read >I:DB.> I thou"ht, #hat can't be right. I
!oo#ed a"ain. >I:DB.> I was the !eader o the Tour de France. For the ;rst time in
my career, I wou!d wear the ye!!ow @ersey, the maillot 4aune, to distin"uish me
rom the other riders. %t our campers, I "ot "iant +ear hu"s rom my teammates,
and the +i""est o a!! rom &ohan. %n 3S4/ camera crew arri$ed or an inter$iew,
+ut I cou!d +are!y "et throu"h it. My mouth e!t ti"ht, and I was araid I wou!d
+rea# down on the air. I cou!dn.t ta!#. I cou!dn.t "et the words out. >I.m @ust in
shoc#,> I said, hoarse!y. >I.m in shoc#.>
Out o the crowd, I saw Indurain. He pushed throu"h and came toward me, and
"a$e me an a-ectionate handsha#e and hu". There is rea!!y no time to ce!e+rate
a sta"e win in the Tour. First you.re hust!ed to dru" testin", and then protoco!
ta#es o$er. I was ushered to a camper to wash up or the podium ceremony, and
presented with the ye!!ow @ersey to chan"e into. %s much as I had prepared or
the Tour, this moment was the one thin" I had !et out. I hadn.t prepared or the
sensation o pu!!in" on that @ersey, o ee!in" the a+ric s!ide o$er my +ac#. Bac#
home in /ice, Kiri watched on T2 as I stepped onto the podium in the ye!!ow
@ersey. She @umped around our house, shrie#in" and sha#in" up the +a+y, and
ma#in" the do" +ar#. Fina!!y, I "ot down rom the podium and went into our team
camper, where I used the phone to ca!! her. >Ba+e,> I said. %!! I heard on the other
end o the !ine was, >Oh my )od, oh my )od, oh my )odP> and she +urst into
tears. Then she said, >0amn, honey, you did it.> There was a second supreme!y
sweet moment o $ictory. %s I made my way throu"h the ;nish area, I passed the
*o;dis team. %ssorted mem+ers o the or"ani'ation stood around, the men who I
e!t had !et me or dead in a hospita! room. >That was or you,> I said, as I mo$ed
past them.
,3 S3T OFF %*ROSS TH3 /ORTH3R/ 4L%I/S OF FR%/*3. I was the ;rst %merican
ridin" or an %merican team, on an %merican +i#e, e$er to !ead the Tour de
France. That mornin", I !oo#ed at the date: it was &u!y ?. Sudden!y, I "ot ner$ous.
The ye!!ow @ersey was a responsi+i!ity. /ow, instead o +ein" the attac#er, I wou!d
+e the rider under attac#. I had ne$er +een in the position o deendin" the @ersey
+eore. The openin" sta"es o the Tour were the terrain o sprinters. ,e hurt!ed
across the p!ains on 7at and monotonous roads, p!ayin" our "ame o speed chess
on +i#es. /er$es were tautA there was a !ot o maneu$erin" and 7ic#in" in the
pe!oton, c!ose ca!!s, and a coup!e o c!assic Tour crashes. Hand!e+ars c!ashed, hips
+umped, tires co!!ided. There was !ess to contend with at the ront o the pe!oton,
so that.s where we tried to ride, +ut so did e$ery other team, and the road was
on!y so wide. ,ith a!most BDD riders @oc#eyin" or position, it was tou"h to a$oid
co!!isions. The main strate"y in those ;rst ew days was to stay out o trou+!e1
easier said than done. In the position +att!e, with such constant mo$ement, you
cou!d "et spit out the +ac# +eore you #new it. The year +eore, Ke$in had crashed
twice in the 7ats and ound himse! C: minutes down +eore he e$er reached the
mountains.
Our team setup consisted o two o!!owin" cars and a $an. In one car were &ohan
and the crew, with our reser$e +i#es on top, and in the other were team mana"ers
and any sponsors who happened to +e a!on" or the ride. The $an carried a!! the
+i#es and our +a"s and assorted other e=uipment. I someone "ot a 7at tire, a
mechanic was a$ai!a+!e, and i we needed water or ood, the crew cou!d hand it to
us. &ohan directed the race tactica!!y rom the car. He issued time chec#s and
status reports and attac# orders o$er a sophisticated two<way radio system. 3ach
4osta! rider had an earpiece and a sma!! +!ac# radio cord around his co!!ar, and
was wired with a heart monitor so that &ohan cou!d #eep trac# o how our +odies
were perormin" under stress. %!! day, e$ery day, my teammates rode in ront o
me, protectin" me rom wind, crashes, competitors, and other ha'ards. ,e
constant!y dod"ed o$erea"er spectators and photo"raphers and their $arious
parapherna!ia: +a+y carria"es, coo!ers, you name it. In the second sta"e, we came
to a our<#i!ometer causeway ca!!ed the 4assa"e du )ois, a scene o a!most
surrea! stran"eness. The 4assa"e is a !on", narrow, +!ac#top road across a tida!
marsh, +ut the +rac#ish water 7oods at hi"h tide, co$erin" the road and ma#in" it
impassa+!e. 3$en when the road is passa+!e, it.s s!ic# and treacherous, and the
ed"es are co$ered with +arnac!es and seaweed. The pe!oton was sti!! +unched up,
u!! o +an"in" and maneu$erin", and it wou!d +e a tric#y crossin". The ;rst teams
across wou!d ha$e the saest passa"e, so most o the 4osta! riders "athered
around me and we sur"ed near the ront. %!on" the way, some o our teammates
"ot separated and wound up in a second "roup. Fran#ie and )eor"e "ot me o$er
with no mishaps, +ut it was ri"htenin"A the road was so s!ippery under our tires
that we hesitated to so much as turn the whee!, and we ou"ht a crosswind that
made it hard to #eep the +i#e strai"ht. Behind us, other riders weren.t so !uc#y.
They rode strai"ht into a massi$e pi!eup. Some+ody hit his +ra#es, and sudden!y
there were competitors !yin" a!! o$er the +!ac#top. Bi#es 7ew up in the air, whee!s
spinnin" cra'i!y, and riders tum+!ed to the "round in a hu"e chain reaction. )uys
!ay prone on the aspha!t as the rest o the pe!oton +ore down on them, and more
riders e!!. ,e !ost &onathan 2au"hters, who +an"ed his head and cut his chin wide
open, and had to a+andon. &onathan had a$erted disaster the pre$ious day in
another crash, when he $au!ted head;rst o$er his hand!e+ars1and mana"ed to
!and on his eet. He earned the nic#name o 3! )ato, >The *at,> rom the pe!oton
or that, +ut now he was out. Ty!er Hami!ton came away rom the crash with a sore
#nee. %s it turned out, the 4assa"e du )ois was one o the more critica! moments
o the race. By "ettin" across the 4assa"e ear!y, I pic#ed up $a!ua+!e time, whi!e
some o those +odies scattered +ehind me in the road were Tour a$orites. Michae!
Boo"erd and %!e8 Qu!!e e!! more than si8 minutes +ehind1a de;cit that wou!d
+ecome more and more te!!in" as the days wore on. O$er those ;rst ten days, we
had @ust one aim1to stay near the ront and out o any more trou+!e. I was
see#in" a +a!ance: I wanted to remain in contention, whi!e stayin" as resh as
possi+!e or the more crucia! upcomin" sta"e, a time tria! in Met'. I "a$e up the
ye!!ow @ersey or the time +ein". These were some o the !on"est days o the Tour,
and there was a sameness to the roads and scenery. ,e went rom /antes to
La$a!, to %miens, +ut it seemed !i#e we rode ore$er without "oin" anywhere.
Mario *ippo!ini o Ita!y won our consecuti$e sta"es to tie a Tour record, and we
conceded them without a ;"ht. *ippo!ini was a "reat rider, +ut he wasn.t a
c!im+er and we a!! #new he wou!dn.t +e a actor or the o$era!! $ictory. 3ach ni"ht
we shared the same routine: massa"es or our sore !e"s, dinner, and then we
wou!d sur the si8 channe!s o French T2 a$ai!a+!e in the hote!. &ohan +anned me
rom +rin"in" my computer, +ecause I had a tendency to stay up too !ate oo!in"
around on!ine. ,e sped on, across the p!ains, toward Met'. I hun" +ac#, sa$in"
myse!.
IT IS *%LL30 TH3 R%*3 OF TR5TH. TH3 3%RL6 ST%)3S separate the stron" riders
rom the wea#.
/ow the wea# wou!d +e e!iminated a!to"ether. ,e arri$ed in Met' or the time
tria!, and in this one, un!i#e the +rie 4ro!o"ue, riders wou!d ha$e an opportunity to
win or !ose +i" chun#s o time. It was :F #i!ometers !on", which meant ridin" u!!<
out or more than an hour, and those riders who didn.t ma#e the time cut were
"one, out o the race. Hence the phrase >Race o Truth.> Kiri came in rom /ice.
For much o the ;rst wee# she had watched us on te!e$ision at home, +ut she
wou!d spend the rest o the Tour tra$e!in" in 3urope with her parents to #eep the
+oredom and tension at +ay, whi!e chec#in" in with me periodica!!y. The Tour
wasn.t e8act!y the idea! situation or a con@u"a! $isit, +ecause I was se=uestered
with the team, +ut seein" her or a day was +etter than nothin", and I "ot to
chec# on how her pre"nancy was pro"ressin". %!so, ha$in" her in Met' reminded
me o how hard I had wor#ed and studied or this occasion. 3ar!y in the mornin" o
the sta"e, I went out and pre$iewed the course, +ut I was a!ready ami!iar with it,
+ecause we had scouted it durin" trainin" camp. It had two $ery +i" c!im+s, one
C.:K !on" and the other ?K !on". The ear!y part wou!d +e windy, then came the
hi!!s, and the ;na! 7ats wou!d +e into a stron" headwind. It was a course that
a$ored stren"th, a rider who cou!d dri$e a +i" "ear into the teeth o that wind. It
wasn.t enou"h to +e astA I wou!d ha$e to +e ast or o$er an hour. %s I warmed up
on a stationary +i#e, resu!ts ;!tered in. The riders went out in sta""ered ashion,
two minutes apart, and %!e8 Qu!!e, the Swiss a$orite who had su-ered the
unortunate crash on the 4assa"e du )ois, was the ear!y !eader with a time o a
!itt!e o$er an hour and nine minutes. I wasn.t surprisedA Qu!!e was a strappin"
+!ond stron"man without an ounce o "i$e<up, as I wou!d continue to !earn
throu"hout the race. The pre<race a$orite, %+raham O!ano, set o- on the course
@ust in ront o me. But as I waited in the start area, word came throu"h that O!ano
had crashed on a sma!! cur$e, !osin" a+out MD seconds. He "ot +ac# on his +i#e,
+ut his rhythm was "one. My turn. I went out hard1may+e too hard. In my
ear,&ohan #ept up his usua! stream o steady ad$ice and inormation. %t the ;rst
two chec#points, he reported, I had the astest sp!its. Third chec#point: I was
ahead o Qu!!e +y a minute and orty seconds. %head o me, I saw O!ano. O!ano
had ne$er +een cau"ht in a time tria!, and now he +e"an "!ancin" o$er his
shou!der. I @ac#hammered at my peda!s. I was on top o him. The !oo# on O!ano s
ace was incredu!ous, and dismayed. I cau"ht him1and passed him. He
disappeared +ehind my +ac# whee!. &ohan ta!#ed into my ear. My cadence was up
at CDD rpms. >That.s hi"h,>&ohan warned. I was peda!in" too hard. I eased o-. I
swept into a +road downhi!! turn, with hay +a!es pac#ed +y the side o the road.
/ow I saw another ;"ure ahead o me. % rider was !yin" +y the side o the road,
in@ured and waitin" or medica! attention. I reco"ni'ed the co!ors o the *o;dis
team. Bo++y &u!ich. He had !ost contro! and s#idded out on the turn. I wou!d !earn
!ater that he had +ad!y +ruised his chest and ri+s. His race was o$er. I went into a
tuc# around the turn. From out o the crowd, a chi!d ran into the road. I swer$ed
wide to a$oid him, my heart poundin". Tuic#!y, I re"ained my composure and
ne$er +ro#e rhythm. %head o me, I saw yet another rider. I s=uinted, tryin" to
ma#e out who it was, and saw a 7ash o "reen. It was the @ersey o Tom Stee!s o
Be!"ium, a super+ sprinter who.d won two o the 7at ear!y sta"es, and who was a
contender or the o$era!! tit!e. But Stee!s had started si8 minutes in ront o me.
Had I ridden that astG &ohan, norma!!y so contro!!ed and impassi$e, chec#ed the
time. He +e"an screamin" into the radio. >6ou.re +!owin" up the Tour de FranceP>
he how!ed. >6ou.re +!owin" up the Tour de FranceP> I passed Stee!s. I cou!d ee! the
!actic acid seepin" throu"h my !e"s. My ace was one +i" "rimace o pain. I had
"one out
too hard1and now I was payin". I entered the !ast stretch, into that headwind,
and I e!t as thou"h I cou!d +are!y mo$e. ,ith each rotation o my whee!s, I "a$e
time +ac# to Qu!!e. The seconds tic#ed +y as I !a+ored toward the ;nish. Fina!!y, I
crossed the !ine. I chec#ed the c!oc#: C:DI:MF.C was the winner. I had +eaten Qu!!e
+y :I seconds. I e!! o- the +i#e, so tired I was cross<eyed. %s tired as I ha$e e$er
+een. But I !ed the Tour de France a"ain. %s I pu!!ed the ye!!ow @ersey o$er my
head, and once more e!t the smooth a+ric s!ide o$er my +ac#, I decided that.s
where it needed to stay. I stepped down o- the podium and handed Kiri the
7owers, and "a$e her a hu"e hu" and a #iss. That e$enin", I to!d her, >I thin# I.m
"oin" to win this thin".> Bac# at the team hote!, we 4osta! riders dran# a "!ass o
*hampa"ne to"ether. ,e on!y sipped it, +ecause the day.s ride had ta#en so
much out o us that a "!ass e!t !i#e a who!e +ott!e. %ter we comp!eted the toast,
&ohan stood up. >O#ay, no more *hampa"ne,> he said. >That.s the !ast time we
drin# it, +ecause we.re "oin" to win so many sta"es that we.d drin# it a!! the way
to 4aris.> The team cheered.
,3 3/T3R30 TH3 MO5/T%I/S. From now on, e$erythin" wou!d +e uphi!!, inc!udin"
the ;nish !ines. The ;rst %!pine sta"e was a ride o CMB.9 #i!ometers into the
cha!et<studded town o Sestriere, on the French<Ita!ian +order, and I #new what
the pe!oton was thin#in": that I wou!d o!d. They didn.t respect the ye!!ow @ersey
on my +ac#. I he!d a !ead o two minutes and BD seconds, +ut in the mountains
you cou!d a!! hope!ess!y +ehind in a sin"!e day. I had ne$er +een a renowned
c!im+er, and now we were a+out to em+ar# on the most "rue!in" and storied
sta"es o the race, throu"h pea#s that made riders crac# !i#e wa!nuts. I was sure
to come under hea$y attac# rom my ad$ersaries, +ut what they didn.t #now was
how speci;ca!!y and hard I had trained or this part o the race. It was time to
show them. It wou!d +e a tactica! ride as much as a physica! one, and I wou!d
ha$e to re!y hea$i!y on my e!!ow c!im+ers, Ke$in Li$in"ston and Ty!er Hami!ton.
0ratin" is hu"e!y important in the mountains: Ke$in and Ty!er wou!d do much o
the "rue!in" wor# o ridin" uphi!! in ront o me, so I cou!d conser$e my ener"y or
the !ast +i" c!im+ into Sestriere, where the other riders were sure to try to "ra+
the @ersey rom me. Here.s how an >attac#> wor#s: some riders were more
threatenin" than others, !i#e %!e8 Qu!!e o Swit'er!and and Fernando 3scartin o
Spain, the men who trai!ed me most c!ose!y throu"hout the race. I one o them,
say Qu!!e, tried to +rea# away, one o my 4osta! teammates, !et.s say Ke$in,
immediate!y chased him down. % rider !i#e Qu!!e cou!d "et away and +e two
minutes up the road +eore we #new it, and cut into my o$era!! !ead. Ke$in.s @o+
was to "et +ehind Qu!!e and stay ri"ht +ehind his whee!, ma#in" it harder or Qu!!e
to pu!! up the hi!!. It.s ca!!ed >sittin" on him.> ,hi!e Ke$in >sat> on Qu!!e.s whee!
and s!owed him down, the rest o my 4osta! teammates pu!!ed me, ridin" in ront
o me, a!!owin" me to drat and catch up. I we cou!d "et throu"h the day without
succum+in" to any ma@or attac#s, it was ca!!ed >mana"in" the pe!oton> or
>contro!!in"> it. ,e didn.t chase down e$ery +rea#away. Some riders were not a
threat to the o$era!! tit!e, and we didn.t waste our ener"y chasin" them down. %t
those times, my teammates @ust too# care o me. They surrounded me and made
sure I was positioned sae rom harm. I I needed a new water +ott!e, one o them
went +ac# to the team car and "ot it or me. There were three +i" co!s, or pea#s,
en route to Sestriere. The ;rst was the *o! du Te!e"raphe, then came the
monstrous *o! du )a!i+ier, the ta!!est mountain in the Tour, then *o! de
Mont"ene$re. Last!y, there wou!d +e the uphi!! ;nish into Sestriere. For the +etter
part o C:D mi!es that day, 4osta! was a machine, ma#in" seam!ess transitions
and contro!!in" the action.
The Spanish attac#ed us ri"ht rom the start. 3scartin !aunched a +rea#away on
the Te!e"raphe in a #ind o suc#er p!ay, +ut we #ept ca!m and reused to e8pend
too much ener"y too ear!y. On the )a!i+ier, Ke$in Li$in"ston did ma"ni;cent wor#,
pu!!in" me steadi!y to the top, where it was s!eetin" and hai!in". %s I drated
+ehind Ke$in, I #ept up a stream o encoura"ement. >6ou.re doin" "reat, man,> I
said. >These "uys +ehind us are dyin".> ,e descended the )a!i+ier in sweepin"
cur$es throu"h the pines. Let me descri+e that descent to you. 6ou hunch o$er
your hand!e+ars and strea# se$enty mi!es an hour on two sma!! tires a ha!<inch
wide, shi$erin". /ow throw in cur$es, switch+ac#s, hairpins, and o". ,ater
streamed down the mountainside under my whee!s, and somewhere +ehind me,
Ke$in crashed. He had tried to put on a rain @ac#et, and the s!ee$e "ot cau"ht in
his whee!. He reco$ered, +ut he wou!d +e sore and e$erish or the ne8t ew days.
/ow came Mont"ene$re, our third mountain ascent in the space o si8 hours, into
more ree'in" rains and mist. ,e wou!d ride into a rain shower, then out the other
side. %t the pea# it was so co!d, the rain ro'e to my shirt. On the descent, it
hai!ed. /ow I was separated rom the rest o the team, and the attac#s #ept
comin", as i the other riders thou"ht I was "oin" to crac# at any moment. It
made me an"ry. The wea#er riders e!! away, una+!e to #eep up. I ound myse!
out in ront amon" the top c!im+ers in the wor!d, wor#in" a!one. I intended to
ma#e them su-er unti! they cou!dn.t +reathe. %!! I had or company was the sound
o &ohan.s $oice in my ear. He was in the o!!ow car. Ridin" shot"un was Thorn
,eise!, the chie patron o the team. On the descent rom Mont"ene$re, I$an )otti
and Fernando 3scartin "am+!ed on the hairpin turns throu"h the mists, and
opened up a "ap o B: seconds. I trai!ed them in a second "roup o ;$e cyc!ists.
,e went into the ;na! ascent, the !on", hard MDK c!im+ into Sestriere itse!. ,e
had +een on the +i#es or ;$e and a ha! hours, and a!! o us were stru""!in". From
here on in it wou!d +e a =uestion o who crac#ed and who didn.t. ,ith ei"ht
#i!ometers to "o, I was MB seconds +ehind the !eaders, and !oc#ed in the second
"roup o ;$e riders, a!! o us churnin" uphi!!. The others were a!! esta+!ished
c!im+ers o $arious nationa!ity, the +est o them Qu!!e o Swit'er!and, +ur!y and
indeati"a+!e and hauntin" me. It was time to "o. On a sma!! cur$e, I swun" to the
inside o the "roup, stood up, and acce!erated. My +i#e seemed to @ump ahead. I
a!most rode up the +ac#s o the escort motorcyc!es. From the o!!ow car, a
surprised &ohan said, >Lance, you.$e "ot a "ap.> Then he said, >Ten eet.> &ohan
chec#ed my heart rate $ia the di"ita! computer readout, so he #new how hard I
was wor#in" and how stressed my +ody was. I was at CID, not in distress. I e!t as
thou"h I was @ust cruisin" a!on" a 7at road, ridin" comorta+!y. He said, >Lance,
the "ap.s "ettin" +i""er.> I ripped across the space. In one #i!ometer I made up BC
seconds. I was now @ust CC seconds +ac# o the !eaders. It was stran"e, +ut I sti!!
didn.t ee! a thin". It was... efortless. The two ront<runners, 3scartin and )otti,
were !oo#in" o$er their shou!ders. I continued to c!ose rapid!y. I rode up to
3scartin.s +ac# whee!. He "!anced +ac# at me, incredu!ous. )otti tried to pic# up
the pace. I acce!erated past him, and drew e$en with 3scartin. I sur"ed a"ain,
dri$in" the pace @ust a !itt!e hi"her. I was pro+in", see#in" inormation on their
;tness and states o mind, how they wou!d respond. I opened a tiny "ap, curious.
,ere they tiredG /o response. >One !en"th,> &ohan said. I acce!erated. >Three
!en"ths, our !en"ths, ;$e !en"ths.> &ohan paused. Then he said, a!most casua!!y,
>,hy don.t you put a !itt!e more onG> I acce!erated a"ain. >Forty eet,> he said.
,hen you open a "ap, and your competitors don.t respond, it te!!s you somethin".
They.re hurtin". %nd
when they.re hurtin", that.s when you ta#e them. ,e were our mi!es rom the
;nish. I dro$e my !e"s down onto the peda!s. >6ou.$e "ot thirty secondsP>&ohan
said, more e8cited!y. In my ear, &ohan continued to narrate my pro"ress. /ow he
reported that Qu!!e was tryin" to chase. Qu!!e, a!ways Qu!!e. >Loo#, I.m @ust "oin"
to "o,> I said into my radio. >I.m "oin" to put this thin" away.>
I/ % HOT3L ROOM I/ IT%L6, K!K S%T TR%/SFIK30 I/ ront o the T2. %s I @umped
out o my seat and char"ed, she !eaped up out o her chair. >Hau! assP> she ye!!ed.
In 4!ano, Te8as, !ater that day, my mother wou!d watch a tape de!ay o the sta"e.
Because o the time chan"e, she didn.t yet #now what had happened. >Loo# outP>
she ye!!ed. >There he "oesP He.s "ot itP> TH3 BIK3 S,%630 5/03R M3 %S I
,ORK30 TH3 430%LS, and my shou!ders +e"an hea$in" with ati"ue. I e!t a
creepin" e8haustion, and my +ody was mo$in" a!! o$er the top o the +i#e. My
nostri!s 7ared, as I stru""!ed to +reathe, ;"htin" or any e8tra air at a!!. I +ared my
teeth in a ha!<snar!. It was sti!! a !on" hau! to the ;nish, and I was concerned Qu!!e
wou!d catch me. But I maintained my rhythm. I "!anced o$er my shou!der, ha!
e8pectin" to see Qu!!e on my whee!. /o one was there. I aced orward a"ain. /ow
I cou!d see the ;nish !ine1it was a!! uphi!! the rest o the way. I dro$e toward the
pea#. ,as I thin#in" o cancer as I rode those !ast ew hundred yardsG /o. I.d +e
!yin" i I said I was. But I thin# that direct!y or indirect!y, what had happened o$er
the past two years was with me. It was stac#ed up and stored away, e$erythin" I.d
+een throu"h, the +out with cancer, and the dis+e!ie within the sport that I cou!d
come +ac#. It either made me aster or them s!ower, I don.t #now which. %s I
continued to c!im+, I e!t pain, +ut I e!t e8u!tation, too, at what I cou!d do with my
+ody. To race and su-er, that.s hard. But it.s not +ein" !aid out in a hospita! +ed
with a catheter han"in" out o your chest, p!atinum +urnin" in your $eins,
throwin" up or B? hours strai"ht, ;$e days a wee#. ,hat was I thin#in"G % unny
thin". I remem+ered a scene in "ood Will 1unting, a mo$ie in which Matt 0amon
p!ays an a!ienated youn" math prodi"y, an an"ry #id rom the wron" side o the
South Boston trac#s, not un!i#e me. In the ;!m he tries to socia!i'e with some
upper<c!ass Har$ard students in a +ar, and wins a due! o wits with a pompous
inte!!ectua! to win a "ir!.s a-ections. %terward 0amon "!oats to the "uy he
+ested, >Hey. 0o you !i#e app!esG> >6eah,> the "uy says, >I !i#e app!es.> >,e!!, I "ot
her phone num+er,> 0amon says triumphant!y. >How do you !i#e them app!esG> I
c!im+ed those hundreds o meters, suc#in" in the thin mountain air, and I thou"ht
o that mo$ie, and "rinned. %s I approached the ;nish !ine, I spo#e into my radio
to my riends in the support car, &ohan and Thorn ,eise!. >Hey, Thorn, &ohan,> I
said. >0o you !i#e app!esG> Their pu''!ed rep!y crac#!ed in my ear. >6eah, we !i#e
app!es. ,hyG> I ye!!ed into the mouthpiece, +1ow do you like them fuckin'
apples7+ I hit the ;nish !ine with my arms upraised, my eyes toward the s#y. %nd
then I put my hands to my ace in dis+e!ie.
I/ H3R HOT3L ROOM I/ IT%L6, M6 ,IF3 S%T I/ FRO/T o the te!e$ision, so++in".
Later that day in Indianapo!is, LaTrice Haney and the sta- o the medica! center,
and a!! o the patients on the ward, stopped what they were doin" to watch the
taped co$era"e. %s I mounted the hi!!, increasin" my !ead, they stared at their
te!e$isions.
>He did it,> LaTrice said. >He con=uered it. He con=uered it.> ,ith the c!im+ into
Sestriere I now !ed the Tour de France +y si8 minutes, three seconds. 6ou 0O/.T
R3%LL6 S33 TH3 MO5/T%I/S %S 6O5 RI03 throu"h them. There is no time to dwe!!
on the $iew, on the ma@estic c!i-s and precipices and she!$es that rise on either
side o you, !oomin" roc# with "!aciers and pea#s, a!!in" away into "reen
pastures. %!! you rea!!y notice is the road in ront o you, and the riders in +ac# o
you, +ecause no !ead is sae in the mountains. On the mornin" ater Sestriere I
rose ear!y and had +rea#ast with the team. ,e went throu"h B: +o8es o cerea!
each wee#, and do'ens and do'ens o e""s. First I powered down some mues!i,
then a p!ate o three or our e""s, and ater that I sho$e!ed in some pasta. It
wou!d +e another !on", hard c!im+in" day, and I needed e$ery ounce o car+o<
dri$en ener"y I cou!d ;nd. ,e wou!d +e ridin" the %!pe d.Hue', a sta"e that he!d
as much mysti=ue as any in the Tour, a C,DDD<meter c!im+ o$er C? #i!ometers,
with a nine<de"ree "radient. The ascent ine!uded BC tortuous hairpin turns, a
seemin"!y end!ess series o switch+ac#s !eadin" to the summit. It was hot "oin"
up and co!d comin" down, and in some p!aces the road was on!y as wide as my
hand!e+ars. Bac# in the ear!y CEDDs, when the mountain c!im+s were added to the
Tour or the ;rst time, one rider comp!eted the @ourney up on his ponderous o!d
contraption, and then turned to race or"ani'ers at the roadside and screamed,
>6ou.re a!! murderersP> I wanted to a$oid any hi"h drama on the %!pe d.Hue'. I
didn.t need to attac# as I had at Sestriere, I simp!y needed to #eep my chie
opponents in chec#: %+raham O!ano was si8 minutes and three seconds +ehind
me, and %!e8 Qu!!e was in ourth p!ace, trai!in" +y se$en minutes, ?9 seconds.
Fernando 3scartin was in ei"hth p!ace, down +y nine minutes. The "oa! or the day
was to +e steady and not to "i$e +ac# any o the time I had "ained at Sestriere.
,e reached the +ase o the %!pe d.Hue'. I wanted to !et the team #now I was in
"ood shape, +ecause mora!e was critica! on a tou"h c!im+. 3$ery+ody had an
earpiece and access to the two<way radio, so I #new they cou!d a!! hear me. >Hey,
&ohan,> I said. >6es, Lance,> he said, in that monotone. >I cou!d do this thin" on a
damn tricyc!e. It.s not a pro+!em.> I cou!d hear cac#!in" in the +ac#"round. ,e
rode at a ast tempo, to !imit the attac#s and whitt!e down the riders who cou!d
cha!!en"e us. First, Ty!er Hami!ton pu!!ed me up the mountain. I sat on his whee!
and ta!#ed to him the who!e way, ri"ht into his ear. ,e mo$ed past O!ano. &ohan
came o$er the radio, reportin", >O!ano is dropped. )reat @o+.> Here came Manue!
Be!tran, one o Qu!!e s teammates. I ye!!ed at Ty!er. >%re you "oin" to !et Be!tran
do that to youG> ,e had CDK to "o, a+out MD minutes o wor#, strai"ht uphi!!.
Sudden!y, here came 3scartin and his teammate, *ar!os *ontreras, acce!cratin"
into the c!im+. Then 4a$e! Ton#o$, a teammate o Tom Stee!s, !aunched an attac#.
Ty!er was done. He had nothin" !et, so I had to chase down Ton#o$ myse!. Then
came Qu!!e, with Be!tran pu!!in" him, whi!e the French c!im+er, Richard 2iren=ue,
came up and sat on my whee!. They were a!! tryin" to put me on the ropes. But I
wasn.t tirin". %!! o this action was ;ne +y me, +ecause as !on" as I stayed with
them no one cou!d ma#e up any si"ni;cant time on me. I continued a!on" in
ourth p!ace, #eepin" an eye on e$erythin". ,e had ?K to "o to reach the summit,
a+out si8 and a ha! more minutes o duress. %n Ita!ian, )iuseppe )uerini, a
decorated rider who had twice ;nished third in the Tour o Ita!y, char"ed. But
)uerini was C: minutes down in the o$era!! standin"s, and I didn.t need to
counter him. I !et him "o. Meanwhi!e, Qu!!e ;na!!y crac#ed. He cou!dn.t #eep the
pace. )uerini opened up a BD<second !ead1and then, un+e!ie$a+!y, he hit a
spectator. The spectators had +een
7irtin" with disaster or days, s#ippin" across the road in ront o the pe!oton, and
now a ren'ied an had !eaped into the midd!e o the road with his Instamatic, and
stood there ta#in" pictures. )uerini mo$ed one way and then the other, tryin" to
a$oid him, +ut p!owed ri"ht into him with the hand!e+ars, and went o$er. It was a
c!assic Tour moment, proo that no !ead was sae. )uerini @umped up unhurt and
continued on, +ut now Ton#o$ was +reathin" on him. Fortunate!y, )uerini "ot o$er
the !ine ;rst, the sta"e winner. I ;nished the sta"e in ;th p!ace. I now had a !ead
o 9:?B o$er O!ano in the o$era!!. Qu!!e, or a!! his wor#, had made up on!y
seconds, and trai!ed +y 9:?9. &ust a typica! day in the Tour de France. I ,%S
M%KI/) 3/3MI3S I/ TH3 %L4S. M6 /3,L6 ac=uired c!im+in" prowess aroused
suspicion in the French press, sti!! sniHn" or +!ood ater the scanda! o the
pre$ious summer. % whisperin" campai"n +e"an: >%rmstron" must +e on
somethin".> Stories in ='/2uipe and =e onde insinuated, without sayin" it
outri"ht, that my come+ac# was a !itt!e too miracu!ous. I #new there wou!d +e
conse=uences or Sestriere1it was a!most a tradition that any rider who wore the
ye!!ow @ersey was su+@ect to dru" specu!ation. But I was ta#en a+ac# +y the
impro+a+!e nature o the char"es in the French press: some reporters actua!!y
su""ested that chemotherapy had +een +ene;cia! to my racin". They specu!ated
that I had +een "i$en some mysterious dru" durin" the treatments that was
perormance<enhancin". %ny onco!o"ist in the wor!d, re"ard!ess o nationa!ity, had
to !au"h himse! si!!y at the su""estion. I didn.t understand it. How cou!d any+ody
thin# or a second that somehow the cancer treatments had he!ped meG May+e
no one +ut a cancer patient understands the se$erity o the treatment. For three
strai"ht months I was "i$en some o the most to8ic su+stances #nown to man,
poisons that ra$a"ed my +ody dai!y. I sti!! e!t poisoned1and e$en now, three
years ater the act, I ee! that my +ody isn.t =uite rid o it yet. I had a+so!ute!y
nothin" to hide, and the dru" tests pro$ed it. It was no coincidence that e$ery
time Tour oHcia!s chose a rider rom our team or random dru" testin", I was their
man. 0ru" testin" was the most demeanin" aspect o the Tour: ri"ht ater I
;nished a sta"e I was whis#ed to an open tent, where I sat in a chair whi!e a
doctor wrapped a piece o ru++er tu+in" around my arm, @a++ed me with a
need!e, and drew +!ood. %s I !ay there, a +attery o photo"raphers 7ashed their
cameras at me. ,e ca!!ed the doctors the 2ampires. >Here come the 2ampires,>
we.d say. But the dru"s tests +ecame my +est riend, +ecause they pro$ed I was
c!ean. I had +een tested and chec#ed, and retested. In ront o the media, I said,
>My !ie and my i!!ness and my career are open.> %s ar as I was concerned, that
shou!d ha$e +een the end o it. There was nothin" mysterious a+out my ride at
Sestriere: I had wor#ed or it. I was !ean, moti$ated, and prepared. Sestriere was a
"ood c!im+ or me. The "radient suited me, and so did the conditions1co!d, wet,
and rainy. I there was somethin" unusua! in my perormance that day, it was the
sense o out<o<+ody e-ort!essness I rode with1 and that I attri+uted to sheer
e8u!tation in +ein" a!i$e to ma#e the c!im+. But the press didn.t +ac# o-, and I
decided to ta#e a coup!e o days o- rom ta!#in" to them. Meanwhi!e, the 5.S.
4osta! team was a +!ue e8press<train. ,e entered the transition sta"es +etween
the %!ps and the 4yrenees, ridin" throu"h an area ca!!ed the Massi *entra!. It was
odd terrain, not mountainous +ut hard!y 7at, either, @ust constant!y undu!atin" so
that your !e"s ne$er "ot a rest. The roads were !ined with wa$in" ;e!ds o
sun7owers as we turned south toward the 4yrenees. It was +ruta! ridin"A a!! we did
was ro!! up and down the hi!!s, under constant attac#. There was ne$er a p!ace on
the route to coast and reco$er, and riders came at us rom a!! directions.
Somehow, we #ept most o them in chec# and contro!!ed the pe!oton, +ut the days
were +roi!in" and u!! o tension. It was so hot that in p!aces the road tar me!ted
under our whee!s. Fran#ie, )eor"e, *hristian, Ke$in, and 4eter wor#ed the hardest.
Fran#ie wou!d start the ro!!in" c!im+s, settin" a stron" tempo and droppin" riders.
,hen Fran#ie "ot tired, )eor"e wou!d pu!!, and a ew more riders wou!d a!! +y the
wayside, una+!e to #eep our pace. Then came Ty!er, who wou!d pic# up the pace,
droppin" e$en more o our competitors. Fina!!y, I wou!d +e !et with Ke$in, pu!!in"
me throu"h the steeps.
In that way we whitt!ed down the ;e!d. 3ach day, the attac#s continued. The other
riders sti!! e!t we were $u!nera+!e, and they were determined to wear us out. ,e
reached a section ca!!ed the Homme Mort, the 0ead Man.s *!im+, a series o
undu!ations that !asted or mi!es. The +rea#aways were constant, and our "uys
were a!!in" apart: 4eter Meinert</ei!sen.s #nee was sore, Ke$in was sic# as a do"
rom the temperature chan"es in the %!ps, and Fran#ie and )eor"e were +!own
rom carryin" the !oad. 3$ery+ody.s eet hurt, +ecause they swe!!ed in our +i#e
shoes in a!! that heat. %!! o a sudden MD "uys sprinted up the road, and we had to
chase them down. It was a 7ash o my o!d se!1I too# o-. I didn.t wait or Ty!er or
Fran#ie or any+ody. I @ust went. I cau"ht up to them, and rode at the ront, a!one.
Then the radio crac#!ed, and I heard Ke$in.s $oice ye!!in" at me. >)oddammit,
what are you doin"G> I had a!!en +ac# into my o!dest +ad ha+it, a sense!ess
char"e and waste o ener"y.
>&ust +ac# o-,> Ke$in warned me. >6ou don.t need to do that.> I sat up and said,
>O#ay,> and I aded +ac#, to conser$e myse!, whi!e the other 4osta! riders did the
chasin". ,hat did I thin# a+out on the +i#e or si8 and se$en hoursG I "et that
=uestion a!! the time, and it.s not a $ery e8citin" answer. I thou"ht a+out cyc!in".
My mind didn.t wander. I didn.t daydream. I thou"ht a+out the techni=ues o the
$arious sta"es. I to!d myse! o$er and o$er that this was the #ind o race in which I
had to a!ways push i I wanted to stay ahead. I worried a+out my !ead. I #ept a
c!ose watch on my competitors, in case one o them tried a +rea#away. I stayed
a!ert to what was around me, wary o a crash. For ;$e monotonous days and
ni"hts, we rode throu"h *entra! France toward the 4yrenees, rom Saint<3tienne to
Saint<)a!mier to Saint<F!our to %!+i to *astres to Saint<)audens. Sta"e CM was the
!on"est o the tour, and the hottest, with se$en c!im+s and no 7ats. Fran#ie said
the route pro;!e !oo#ed !i#e the ed"e o a saw +!ade, and that.s what it e!t !i#e.
4eter Meinert</ei!sen ;na!!y a+andoned with his +ad #nee. Some o the hote!s
were so tiny, Fran#ie comp!ained that when he sat on the toi!et, his #nees hit the
+athroom door. )eor"e c!aimed that he and Fran#ie, who were roomin" to"ether,
cou!dn.t open their suitcases at the same time. On the +i#e, we were a!ways
hun"ry and thirsty. ,e snac#ed on coo#ies, tarts, a!mond ca#es, oatmea!<raisin
coo#ies, nutrition +ars, any #ind o simp!e car+ohydrate. ,e "u!ped su"ary thirst<
=uenchin" drin#s, *ytoma8 durin" the day and Meta+o! at the end o it. %t ni"ht
o$er our trainin"<ta+!e mea!s, we ta!#ed trash, pure @un#, em+e!!ishin" o!d ta!es
and +ra""in" a+out con=uests, EE percent o it untrue. ,e de!i"hted in the
storyte!!in" o our che, ,i!!y Ba!met, a F:<year<o!d Swiss and a dear riend who
has coo#ed or e$ery team I.$e +een on. ,i!!y !oo#s !i#e a much youn"er man, and
can spea# si8 !an"ua"es, e$erythin" short o Swahi!i. The #itchen was his domain,
and in a!! the years I.$e #nown him, I.$e ne$er once seen him +e denied the
#itchen in a hote!. He wou!d arri$e and ma#e the hote! sta- ee! a part o our
team. He a!ways coo#ed our pastaA no+ody e!se was a!!owed to touch it. ,hi!e I
rode, Kiri !it cand!es a!! o$er 3urope. /o matter what $i!!a"e or metropo!is she was
in, she wou!d ;nd a church and !i"ht a cand!e. In Rome, she !it one at the 2atican.
FI/%LL6, ,3 R3%*H30 TH3 46R3/33S.
,e rode into Saint<)audens in the shade o the mountains, throu"h a countryside
+y 2an )o"h. The 4yrenees wou!d +e the !ast chance or the c!im+ers to unseat
me: one +ad day in those mountains and the race cou!d +e !ost. I wou!dn.t +e
con$inced I cou!d win the Tour de France unti! we came down rom the mountains.
The pressure was mountin" steadi!y. I #new what it was !i#e to ride with the pac#
in ::th p!ace and ;nish a
Tour de France, +ut the ye!!ow @ersey was a new e8perience and a di-erent #ind o
pressure. ,hen you.re in the ye!!ow @ersey, as I was !earnin", you catch a !ot o
wind. My e!!ow riders tested me on the +i#e e$ery sin"!e day. I was tested o- the
+i#e, too, as the scrutiny I underwent in the press intensi;ed. I decided to address
the char"es outri"ht, and he!d a press conerence in Saint<)audens. >I ha$e +een
on my death+ed, and I am not stupid,> I said. 3$eryone #new that use o 34O and
steroids +y hea!thy peop!e can cause +!ood disorders and stro#es. ,hat.s more, I
to!d the press, it wasn.t so shoc#in" that I won SestriereA I was an esta+!ished
ormer wor!d champion. >I can emphatica!!y say I am not on dru"s,> I said. >I
thou"ht a rider with my history and my hea!th situation wou!dn.t +e such a
surprise. I.m not a new rider. I #now there.s +een !oo#in", and pryin", and di""in",
+ut you.re not "oin" to ;nd anythin". There.s nothin" to ;nd ... and once
e$eryone has done their due di!i"ence and rea!i'es they need to +e proessiona!
and can.t print a !ot o crap, they.!! rea!i'e they.re dea!in" with a c!ean "uy.> %!! I
cou!d do was continue to ride, ta#e dru" tests, and dea! with the =uestions. ,e
em+ar#ed on the ;rst sta"e in the 4yrenees, rom Saint<)audens to 4iau<3n"a!y, a
route throu"h se$en mountains. This was the same terrain I had ridden when it
was so co!d, +ut now as we tra$e!ed o$er co! ater cra""y co! it was dusty and hot,
and riders +e""ed each other or water. The descents were steep and menacin",
with drop<o-s a!on" the side o the road. The sta"e wou!d ;nish @ust o$er the
+order rom Spain, which meant that a!! the Spanish riders were determined to
win it1and none more than 3scartin, the !ean, haw#<aced racer who o!!owed me
e$erywhere. In the midst o the renetic action, our 4osta! "roup "ot separated
and I wound up a!one, pursuin" 3scartin. He rode !i#e an anima!. %!! I cou!d hope
to do was !imit how much time he made up. %s the mountains parted in ront o
me on the second<to<!ast c!im+ o the day, I mana"ed to ride Qu!!e o- my whee!
and mo$e into second p!ace. But there was no catchin" 3scartin, who had a two<
minute "ap. On the !ast c!im+, I was worn out and I +on#ed. I hadn.t eaten
anythin" so!id since +rea#ast. I "ot dropped +y the !eaders and ;nished ourth.
3scartin won the sta"e and $au!ted into second p!ace o$era!!, trai!in" me +y F:CE.
Qu!!e was 9:BF +ac#. /ot !on" ater I crossed the ;nish !ine, a French T2 @ourna!ist
conronted me: there were reports that I had tested positi$e or a +anned
su+stance. The report was wron", o course. I returned to the team hote!, and
pushed throu"h a thron" o c!amorin" media, and ca!!ed another press
conerence. %!! I cou!d do was assert my innocence each time there was a new
wa$e o specu!ation in the papers1and there was one e$ery three or our days..
=e onde had pu+!ished a story statin" that a dru" test had turned up minute
traces o corticosteroid in my urine, I was usin" a cortisone cream to treat a case
o sadd!e sores1and I had c!eared the cream with the Tour authorities +eore the
race e$er started. Immediate!y, Tour authorities issued a statement aHrmin" my
innocence. +=e onde was !oo#in" or a dru" story, and they "ot one on s#in
cream,> I said. I was hurt and demora!i'ed +y the constant +arra"e rom the press.
I put orth such e-ort, and had paid such a hi"h price to ride a"ain, and now that
e-ort was +ein" de$a!ued. I tried to dea! with the reports honest!y and
strai"htorward!y, +ut it didn.t seem to do any "ood. I +e"an to notice somethin".
The peop!e who whispered and wrote that I was usin" dru"s were the $ery same
ones who, when I was sic#, had said, >He.s ;nished. He.!! ne$er race a"ain.> They
were the same ones who, when I wanted to come +ac#, said, >/o, we don.t want
to "i$e him a chance. He.!! ne$er amount to anythin".> /ow that I was in the !ead
o the Tour de France, wearin" the ye!!ow @ersey, and !oo#in" more and more !i#e
the e$entua! winner, the $ery same peop!e sent the $ery same messa"e. >It.s not
possi+!e,> they said. >*an.t +e done. He can.t do it. ,hat.s "oin" on hereG There
must +e another e8p!anation, somethin" suspicious.> They were consistent, the
naysayers. It.s a "ood thin" I didn.t !isten to them when I was sic#. It hurt me, too,
that the French @ourna!ists in particu!ar were so suspicious o me. I !i$ed in France,
and I
!o$ed the country. %ter the pre$ious year.s pro+!ems durin" the Tour, a num+er o
top riders had stayed away rom France in .EE, +ut not me. ,hi!e other riders
were araid o +ein" harassed +y the po!ice or in$esti"ated +y the "o$ernmenta!
authorities, I trained there e$ery day. France was the most se$ere p!ace in the
wor!d to +e cau"ht usin" a perormance enhancer, +ut I did a!! o my sprin"time
racin" in France, and conducted my entire Tour preparation there. 5nder French
!aw, the !oca! po!ice cou!d ha$e raided my house whene$er they wanted. They
didn.t ha$e to as#, or #noc#. They cou!d ha$e sorted throu"h my drawers, ri7ed
my poc#ets, searched my car, whate$er they wanted, without a warrant or any
sort o notice. I said to the press, >I !i$e in France. I spent the entire months o May
and &une in France, racin" and trainin". I I was tryin" to hide somethin", I.d ha$e
+een in another country.> But they didn.t write that, or print that. The ne8t day,
we tra$e!ed to perhaps the most amous mountain in the Tour, the *o! du
Tourma!et. The road to the top soared more than ten mi!es into the s#y. It was our
!ast +i" c!im+ and test, and once a"ain, we #new we wou!d +e under re!ent!ess
attac#. By now we were sic# o ridin" in ront, a!ways catchin" the wind, whi!e
+ein" chased rom +ehind. But i we cou!d contro! the mountains or one more
day, it wou!d +e hard to deny us the top spot on the podium in 4aris. %s soon as
we reached the +ase o the BD<#i!ometer Tourma!et, the other riders +e"an
nippin" at us. ,e rode a stron" tempo, tryin" to wea#en the attac#ers, and with
IK to "o, we acce!erated. The French c!im+er, 2iren=ue, drew e$en with Ke$in and
said, an"ri!y, >,hat.s your pro+!emG> Ke$in said he didn.t ha$e a pro+!em.
2iren=ue as#ed Ke$in i he was "oin" +a bloc,+ which means a!!<out. Ke$in said,
>/o, are you "oin" a bloc$ + ,ith that, Ke$in #ic#ed into a +i""er "ear and sped
away rom him. For the rest o the day 2iren=ue chased us, "!owerin". %s we
!a+ored upward, 3scartin and I shadowed each other. I watched him careu!!y. On
the steepest part o the c!im+, he attac#ed. I went ri"ht with him1and so did
Qu!!e. )oin" o$er the top it was the three o us, !oc#ed in our pri$ate race. %t the
pea#, we !oo#ed down on a thic# carpet o c!ouds +e!ow us. %s we descended, the
o" c!osed in and we cou!dn.t see ten eet in ront o us. It was ri"htenin", a hi"h<
speed chase throu"h the mist, a!on" c!i- roads with no "uardrai!s. %!! I cared
a+out now was #eepin" my main ri$a!s either with me or +ehind me. %head o us
!oomed a second c!im+, the *o! du Sou!or. 3scartin attac#ed a"ain, and a"ain I
went ri"ht with him. ,e reached another o"<c!oa#ed summit, and now @ust one
more c!im+ remained in the Tour de France: the *o! d.%u+is=ue, 9.: #i!ometers o
uphi!! e-ort. Then the mountain wor# wou!d +e o$er, and it was an a!!<out drop to
the ;nish at speeds o up to 9D mi!es per hour. There were now three riders in
ront, ;"htin" or the sta"e win, and a pac# o nine trai!in" a minute +ehind and
sti!! in contention or the sta"e, amon" them myse!, 3scartin, and Qu!!e. I didn.t
care a+out a sta"e win. ,ith our #i!ometers to "o, I decided to ride sae!y and !et
the rest o them sprint<due!, whi!e I a$oided crashes. I had @ust one aim, to protect
the ye!!ow @ersey. I cyc!ed throu"h the sta"e ;nish and dismounted, thorou"h!y
e8hausted +ut p!eased to ha$e protected my !ead. But ater ;$e hours on the
+i#e, I now had to ace another two<hour press conerence. I was +e"innin" to ee!
that the press was tryin" to +rea# me menta!!y, +ecause the other riders cou!dn.t
do it physica!!y. The media had +ecome as much o an o+stac!e as the terrain
itse!. That day, the Internationa! *yc!in" 5nion re!eased a!! o my dru" tests,
which were, in act, c!ean. ,hat.s more, I had recei$ed a wonderu! $ote o
con;dence rom the race or"ani'er, &ean<Marie Le+!anc. >%rmstron" +eatin" his
i!!ness is a si"n that the Tour can +eat its own i!!ness,> he said. Somehow, we had
ended o- a!! the attac#s, +oth on the +i#e and o-, and #ept the ye!!ow @ersey on
my +ac#. ,e had done it, we had contro!!ed the mountains, and ater three wee#s
and B,BDD mi!es I !ed the race with an o$era!! time o IF:?F:BD. In second, trai!in"
+y si8 minutes and C: seconds, was 3scartin, and in third p!ace, trai!in" +y se$en
minutes and BI seconds, was %!e8 Qu!!e. I sti!! wore the maillot 4aune.
O00L6, %S 4%RIS 0R3, *LOS3R, I )OT MOR3 %/0 MOR3 ner$ous. I was wa#in"
up e$ery ni"ht in a co!d sweat, and I +e"an to wonder i I was sic#. The ni"ht
sweats were more se$ere than anythin" I.d had when I was i!!. I tried to te!! myse!
the ;"ht or my !ie was a !ot more important than my ;"ht to win
the Tour de France, +ut +y now they seemed to +e one and the same to me. I
wasn.t the on!y ner$ous mem+er o our team. Our head mechanic was so ed"y
that he s!ept with my +i#e in his hote! room. He didn.t want to !ea$e it in the $an,
where it cou!d +e prey or sa+ota"e. ,ho #new what rea#ish thin"s cou!d happen
to #eep me rom winnin"G %t the end o Sta"e C9, a !on" 7at ride to Bordeau8,
some nutcase shot pepper spray into the pe!oton, and a handu! o riders had to
pu!! o$er, $omitin". There was a $ery rea! threat that cou!d sti!! pre$ent me rom
the winnin" the Tour: a crash. I aced one !ast o+stac!e, an indi$idua! time tria!
o$er M:.? mi!es in the theme<par# town o Futuroscope. In a time tria! $ery, $ery
+ad thin"s cou!d happen. I cou!d a!! and +rea# a co!!ar+one, or a !e". I wanted to
win the time tria!. I wanted to ma#e a ;na! statement on the +i#e, to show the
press and cyc!in" rumormon"ers that I didn.t care what they said a+out me. I was
throu"h with press conerences Na!thou"h not with dru" testsA I was random<
tested yet a"ain ater sta"e C9O. To try to win the time tria!, howe$er, was a ris#y
proposition, +ecause a rider see#in" the astest time is prone to ta#in" oo!ish
chances and hurtin" himse!1perhaps so +ad!y that he can.t "et +ac# on the +i#e.
,e saw it a!! the time. &ust !oo# at what happened to Bo++y &u!ich in Met', when
he crashed at :: mph and su-ered massi$e hematomas in his chest. I.d near!y
crashed myse! in that time tria!, when the chi!d @umped out in ront o me as I
came around the ti"ht turn. On the %!pe d.Hue', the spectator had @umped in ront
o )uerini and he crashed. Qu!!e wou!d ha$e +een on!y a minute +ehind me i he
hadn.t crashed on the 4assa"e du )ois. Bi!! Stap!eton came to see me in the hote!
the ni"ht +eore the sta"e. >Lance, I.m not a coach, +ut I thin# you shou!d ta#e it
easy here,> he said. >6ou.$e "ot a !ot to !ose. Let.s @ust "et throu"h it. 0on.t do
anythin" stupid.> The smart p!ay was to a$oid any mista#es, don.t a!!, don.t hurt
yourse!, and don.t !ose ten minutes +ecause o a crash. I didn.t care. >Bi!!, who in
the uc# do you thin# you.re ta!#in" toG> I said. >,hatG> >I.m "oin" to #ic# ass
tomorrow. I.m "i$in" it e$erythin". I.m "oin" to put my si"nature on this Tour.>
>O#ay,> Bi!! said, with resi"nation. >So I "uess that.s not up or discussion.> I.d
worn the ye!!ow @ersey since Met', and I didn.t want to "i$e it up. %s a team we
had ridden to perection, +ut now I wanted to win as an indi$idua!. On!y three
riders had e$er swept a!! o the time tria!s in the Tour, and they happened to +e
the three "reatest e$er. Bernard Hinau!t, 3ddy Merc#8, and Mi"ue! Indurain. I
wanted to +e amon" them. I wanted to pro$e I was the stron"est man in the race.
I cou!dn.t s!eep. Scott Mac3achern rom /i#e came +ac# to my room to $isit, and
so did Stap!eton. &ohan stuc# his head in the room and saw Scott spraw!ed on my
+ed, whi!e I was sti!! on my eet. &ohan !oo#ed at his watch: it was CC:MD 4.M. >)et
these "uys out o here and "o to +ed,> he ordered me. My mother 7ew in or
Futuroscope, and I arran"ed or her to ride in one o the o!!ow cars. She Rwanted
to see the time tria! +ecause she e!t that o!d protecti$e instinctA i she was with
me, I wou!dn.t "et hurt. But the time tria!s ri"htened her as much as anythin",
+ecause she understood cyc!in" we!! enou"h to #now how easi!y I cou!d crash1
and she #new this day, the second<to<!ast o the race, wou!d either ma#e it or
+rea# it or me, once and or a!!. She had to +e there or that. % time tria! is a
simp!e matter o one man a!one a"ainst the c!oc#. The course wou!d re=uire
rou"h!y an hour and C: minutes o ridin" 7at<out o$er :9 #i!ometers, a +i" !oop
throu"h west<centra! France, o$er roads !ined with red ti!ed roos and arm ;e!ds
o +rown and "o!d "rass, where spectators camped out on couches and !oun"e
chairs. I wou!dn.t see much o the scenery, thou"h, +ecause I wou!d +e in a ti"ht
aerodynamic tuc# most o the time. The riders departed in re$erse order, which
meant I wou!d +e !ast. To prepare, I "ot on my +i#e on a stationary ro!!er, and went
throu"h a!! the "ears I anticipated usin" on the course. ,hi!e I warmed up, Ty!er
Hami!ton had his "o at the distance. His @o+ was to ride as hard and ast as he
cou!d, re"ard!ess o ris#, and send +ac# technica! inormation that mi"ht he!p me.
Ty!er not on!y rode it ast, he !ed or much o the day. Fina!!y, Qu!!e came in at C
hour, I minutes, and BF seconds to #noc# Ty!er out o ;rst p!ace. It was my turn. I
shot out o the start area and strea#ed throu"h the windin" streets. %head o me
was 3scartin, who had started three minutes +eore I did. My head down, I whirred
+y him throu"h a stretch o trees and !on" "rass, so ocused on my own race that
I ne$er e$en "!anced at him. I had the astest time at the ;rst two sp!its. I was
"oin" so ast that in the o!!ow car, my mother.s head @er#ed +ac# rom the
acce!eration around the cur$es. %ter the third time chec# I was sti!! in ;rst p!ace
at :D:::. The =uestion was, cou!d I ho!d the pace on the ;na! portion o the raceG
)oin" into the ;na! si8 #i!ometers, I was BD seconds up o$er Qu!!e. But now I
started to pay. I paid or mountains, I paid or the undu!ations, I paid or the 7ats. I
was !osin" time, and I cou!d ee! it. I I +eat Qu!!e, it wou!d +e on!y +y a matter o
seconds. Throu"h two !ast, sweepin" cur$es, I stood up. I acce!erated around the
corners, tryin" to +e careu! not to crash, +ut sti!! ta#in" them as ti"ht!y as I cou!d
1 and a!most @umped a cur+ and went up on the pa$ement. I raced a!on" a
hi"hway in the ;na! sprint. I +ared my teeth, countin", dri$in". I crossed the !ine. I
chec#ed the time: C:DI:C9. I won +y E seconds. I cruised into a "ated area,
+ra#ed, and e!! o- the +i#e, +ent o$er dou+!e. I had won the sta"e, and I had won
the Tour de France. I was now assured o it. My c!osest competitor was Qu!!e, who
trai!ed in the o$era!! standin"s +y 9 minutes and M9 seconds, an impossi+!e
mar"in to ma#e up on the ;na! sta"e into 4aris. I was near the end o the @ourney.
But there had +een two @ourneys, rea!!y: the @ourney to "et to the Tour, and then
the @ourney o the Tour itse!. In the +e"innin" there was the 4ro!o"ue and the
emotiona! hi"h, and that ;rst wee#, une$entu! +ut sae. Then there were the
stran"e out<o<+ody e8periences at Met' and Sestriere, o!!owed +y the
demora!i'in" attac#s +y the press. /ow to ;nish with a $ictory "a$e me a sweet
sense o @usti;cation. I was "oin" to 4aris wearin" the maillot 4aune. %s I too# the
podium my mother c!apped and wa$ed a 7a" and wiped her eyes. I hadn.t seen
her +eore the sta"e, +ut immediate!y aterward I "ra++ed her in a hu", and then
too# her to !unch. She said, >6ou.re @ust not "oin" to +e!ie$e what.s "oin" on +ac#
home. I #now it.s hard or you to understand or e$en thin# a+out ri"ht now. But
the peop!e in the 5.S. are "oin" cra'y. I.$e ne$er seen anythin" !i#e this +eore.>
%terward, we went +ac# to the hote!, and another thron" o press was in the
!o++y. ,e wor#ed our way throu"h the crowd toward my room, and one o the
French @ourna!ists tried to inter$iew my mother. >*an we ta!#G> he as#ed. I turned
around and said: >She.s not spea#in" to the French press.> But the "uy continued
to as# her a =uestion. >Lea$e her a!one,> I said. I "ot my arm around her and
steered us throu"h the crowd up to my room. TH%T /I)HT, I B3)%/ TO )3T %/
I03% OF TH3 response +ac# home in the States. % @ourna!ist rom 6eople
ma"a'ine arri$ed and wanted an inter$iew. Sponsors streamed into our team
hote! to sha#e hands and $isit. Friends +e"an to arri$eA they had @umped on
p!anes o$erni"ht. Bi!! Stap!eton too# me to dinner and e8p!ained that a!! o the
mornin" shows and !ate<ni"ht ta!# shows wanted me to appear. He thou"ht I
shou!d 7y to the States or a day ater the Tour or a series o T2 inter$iews. But
traditiona!!y, the Tour winner tra$e!s to a series o races around 3urope to disp!ay
the ye!!ow @ersey, and I wanted to honor that. >It.s not up or discussion,> I said.
>I.m stayin" here to do these races.> >O#ay, ;ne,> Bi!! said. >)reat.> >,e!!, what do
you thin#G> >I thin# you.re +ein" rea!!y stupid.> >,hyG> >Because you ha$e no idea
what.s "oin" on +ac# there, and how important it is. But you.re "oin" to ;nd out.
The day this thin" is o$er, you cannot hide. 3$ery+ody in %merica is payin"
attention.>
/i#e wanted me to ho!d a press conerence in /ew 6or# at their me"a<store, and
the mayor wanted to +e there, and so did 0ona!d Trump. The peop!e in %ustin
wanted to ha$e a parade. /i#e o-ered a pri$ate @et to 7y me to the States and
+ac# to 3urope in a sin"!e day, so I cou!d do the races. I was stunned. I.d spent
years winnin" +i#e races, and no+ody in the States had cared. /ow e$ery+ody
cared. But part o me sti!! didn.t entire!y trust the act that I was "oin" to win. I
to!d myse! there was one more day to race, and ater dinner I stayed
se=uestered, "ot my hydration and my ru+down, and went to +ed. The ;na! sta"e,
rom %rpa@on into 4aris, is a !ar"e!y ceremonia! ride o IE.B mi!es. %ccordin" to
tradition, the pe!oton wou!d cruise at a !eisure!y pace, unti! we saw the 3i-e!
Tower and reached the %rc de Triomphe, where the 5.S. 4osta! team wou!d ride at
the ront onto the *hamps<3!ysees. Then a sprint wou!d +e"in, and we wou!d race
ten !aps around a circuit in the center o the city. Fina!!y, there wou!d +e a post<
race procession, a $ictory !ap. %s we rode toward 4aris, I did inter$iews rom my
+i#e and chatted with teammates and riends in the pe!oton. I e$en ate an ice<
cream cone. The 4osta! team, as usua!, rode in super+!y or"ani'ed ashion. >I
don.t ha$e to do anythin",> I said to one T2 crew. >It.s a!! my +oys.> %ter a whi!e
another crew came +y. >I.d !i#e to say Hi to Ke!!y 0a$idson, +ac# in Fort ,orth,
Te8as,> I said. >This is or you.> Ke!!y is the youn" cancer ;"hter who I.d met in the
Ride or the Roses, and she and her ami!y had +ecome my c!ose riends. Fina!!y,
we approached the city. I e!t a swe!! o emotion as we rode onto the *hamps<
3!ysees or the ;rst time. The entire a$enue was shut down or us, and it was a
stunnin" si"ht, with hundreds o thousands o spectators !inin" the a$enue o
;tted co++!estones and +ric#. The air was u!! o air horns and conetti, and
+untin" hun" rom e$ery acade. The num+er o %merican 7a"s swir!in" in the
crowd stunned me. 0eep in the crowd, someone he!d up a !ar"e card+oard si"n. It
said >T3K%S.> %s we continued to parade down the *hamps, it "radua!!y dawned
on me that not a!! o those 7a"s were the Stars and Stripes. Some o those wa$in"
pennants, I saw de!i"hted!y, were rom the Lone Star State. The ten<!ap sprint to
the ;nish was odd!y su+dued and antic!i<mactic, a orma!ity durin" which I simp!y
a$oided a !ast rea# crash. %nd then I crossed the ;nish !ine. It was ;na!!y tan"i+!e
and rea!. I was the winner. I dismounted into pandemoniumA there were
photo"raphers e$erywhere, and security personne!, and protoco! oHcia!s, and
riends, c!appin" me on the +ac#. There must ha$e +een :D peop!e rom %ustin,
inc!udin" Bart Kna""s, and my dear riend &e- )ar$ey, and e$en, +e!ie$e it or not,
&im Hoyt. Home+oy had ta!#ed his way into our compound. I was ushered to the
podium or the $ictory ceremony, where I raised the trophy ater it was presented
to me. I cou!dn.t contain myse! anymore, and !eaped down and ran into the
stands to em+race my wie. The photo"raphers surrounded me, and I said,
>,here.s my MomG> and the crowd opened and I saw her and "ra++ed her in a
hu". The press swarmed around her too, and someone as#ed her i she thou"ht
my $ictory was a"ainst the odds. >Lance.s who!e !ie has +een a"ainst a!! odds,>
my mother to!d him. Then came the +est part o a!!, the ceremonia! $ictory !ap
Rwhere I rode with the team one !ast time. ,e cruised a!! a!one on the *hamps<
3!ysees. ,e had +een to"ether or three wee#s, and we rode $ery, $ery s!ow!y,
sa$orin" the moment. % stran"er dashed into the street and handed me a hu"e
%merican 7a" on a po!e. I don.t #now how he "ot there1he @ust appeared in ront
o me and thrust it into my hand. I raised the 7a", ee!in" an o$erwhe!min" +!ur o
sensation and emotion. Fina!!y, I returned to the ;nish area and spo#e to the
press, cho#in" +ac# tears. >I.m in shoc#. I.m in shoc#. I.m in shoc#,> I said. >I
wou!d @ust !i#e to say one thin". I you e$er "et a second chance in !ie or
somethin", you.$e "ot to "o a!! the way.> ,e were whis#ed away as a team, to "et
ready or that ni"ht.s ce!e+ration +an=uet, an e!a+orate ete or B:D peop!e at the
Musee d.Or<say, surrounded +y some o the most price!ess art in the wor!d. ,e
were e8hausted to a man, utter!y dep!eted +y the three<wee# ordea!, +ut we
!oo#ed orward to raisin" a "!ass.
,e arri$ed at the museum to ;nd the ta+!es e8=uisite!y set, e8cept or the rather
odd centerpieces, which had +een su""ested +y Thorn ,eise!. There was an
arran"ement o app!es at each p!ace. ,e !ited our ;rst "!asses o *hampa"ne
since Met', and I stood to toast my teammates. >I wore the ye!!ow @ersey,> I said.
>But I ;"ure may+e the on!y thin" that +e!on"s to me is the 'ipper. % sma!! piece
o it. My teammates deser$e the rest1s!ee$es, the ront and +ac# o it.> My
teammates raised their hands. There was somethin" c!enched in the ;st o each
man. %n app!e. Red, shiny app!es, a!! around me.
TH%T /I)HT, KRISTI/ %/0 I *H3*K30 I/TO TH3 RITQ, where we.d +oo#ed a hu"e
and e8pensi$e suite. ,e chan"ed into the comp!imentary +athro+es and opened
another +ott!e o *hampa"ne, and had our pri$ate moment, our ce!e+ration. ,e
were ;na!!y a!one to"ether a"ain, and we "i""!ed at the si'e o the suite, and had
dinner rom room ser$ice. Then we e!! into a $ery deep s!eep. I wo#e up the ne8t
mornin" and +urrowed down into the pi!!ow, and tried to ad@ust to the unami!iar
surroundin"s. /e8t to me, Kiri opened her eyes, and "radua!!y we came u!!y
awa#e. %s she stared at me, we read each other.s thou"hts. >Oh, my )od,> I said.
+I won the #our de France.+ >/o way,> she said. ,e +urst out !au"hin".
ten
TH3 *3R3%L Bo8
TH3 TR5TH IS, IF 6O5 %SK30 M3 TO *HOOS3 +etween winnin" the Tour de France
and cancer, I wou!d choose cancer. Odd as it sounds, I wou!d rather ha$e the tit!e
o cancer sur$i$or than winner o the Tour, +ecause o what it has done or me as
a human +ein", a man, a hus+and, a son, and a ather. In those ;rst days ater
crossin" the ;nish !ine in 4aris I was swept up in a wa$e o attention, and as I
stru""!ed to #eep thin"s in perspecti$e, I as#ed myse! why my $ictory had such a
proound e-ect on peop!e. May+e it.s +ecause i!!ness is uni$ersa!1we.$e a!! +een
sic#, no one is immune1and so my winnin" the Tour was a sym+o!ic act, proo
that you can not on!y sur$i$e cancer, +ut thri$e ater it. May+e, as my riend 4hi!
Kni"ht says, I am hope. Bi!! Stap!eton ;na!!y con$inced me that I needed to 7y to
/ew 6or# or a day. /i#e pro$ided the pri$ate @et, and Kiri came with me, and in
/ew 6or#, the u!! reach and impact o the $ictory ;na!!y hit us. I had a press
conerence at /i#etown, and the mayor did show up, and so did 0ona!d Trump,
and I appeared on the #oday show, and on 0a$id Letterman. I went to ,a!! Street
to rin" the openin" +e!!. %s I wa!#ed onto the tradin" 7oor, the traders erupted in
sustained app!ause, stunnin" me. Then, as we !et the +ui!din", I saw a
hu"e thron" o peop!e "athered on the sidewa!#. I said to Bi!!, >I wonder what that
crowd is doin" hereG> >That.s or you, Lance,> Bi!! said. >%re you startin" to "et it
nowG>
%terward, Kiri and I went to Ba+ies +S=+ 5s. 4eop!e came down the ais!es o the
store to sha#e my hand and as# or auto"raphs. I was ta#en a+ac#, +ut Kiri was
una'ed. She @ust said, +!ithe!y, >I thin# we need some onesies and a diaper pai!.>
To us, there was a more ordinary act o sur$i$a! sti!! to come: parenthood.
%T FIRST, I ,ORRI30 TH%T B3*%5S3 I 0I0/.T H%23 % re!ationship with my own
ather, I mi"ht not ma#e a "ood one myse!. I tried to practice +ein" a ather. I
+ou"ht a s!in" to carry the +a+y in, and I wore it around the house, empty. I
strapped it on and wore it in the #itchen whi!e I made +rea#ast. I #ept it on when I
sat in my oHce, answerin" mai! and returnin" phone ca!!s. I stro!!ed in the
+ac#yard with it on, ima"inin" that a sma!! ;"ure was nest!ed there. Kiri and I
went to the hospita! or a tour o the aci!ities and a nurse +rieed us on what to
e8pect when Kiri went into !a+or. >%ter the +a+y is de!i$ered it wi!! +e p!aced on
Kristin.s chest,> she said. >Then we wi!! cut the um+i!ica! cord.> >I.!! cut the
um+i!ica! cord,> I said. >%!! ri"ht,> the nurse said a"reea+!y. >/e8t, a nurse wi!!
+athe the +a+y ...> >I[!! +athe the +a+y.> >Fine,> the nurse said. >%ter that, we wi!!
carry the +a+y down the ha!! . ..> >I[!! carry the +a+y,> I said. >It.s my +a+y.> One
aternoon !ate in her pre"nancy, Kiri and I were runnin" errands in separate cars,
and I ended up tai!"atin" her home. I thou"ht she was dri$in" too ast, so I dia!ed
her num+er on the car phone. >S!ow it down,> I said. >That.s my chi!d you.re
carryin".> In those !ast ew wee#s o her pre"nancy, Kiri !i#ed to te!! peop!e, >I.m
e8pectin" my second chi!d.> In ear!y Octo+er, a+out two wee#s +eore the +a+y
was due, Bi!! Stap!eton and I went to Las 2e"as, where I was to de!i$er a speech
and ho!d a coup!e o +usiness meetin"s. ,hen I ca!!ed home, Kiri to!d me she was
sweatin" and e!t stran"e, +ut I didn.t thin# much a+out it at ;rst. I went on with
my +usiness, and when I was done, Bi!! and I dashed to catch an aternoon 7i"ht
+ac# to 0a!!as, with an e$enin" connection to %ustin. In a pri$ate !oun"e area in
0a!!as I ca!!ed Kiri, and she said she was sti!! sweatin", and now she was ha$in"
contractions. >*ome on,> I said. >6ou.re not rea!!y ha$in" this +a+y, are youG It.s
pro+a+!y a a!se a!arm.> On the other end o the !ine, Kiri said, >Lance, this is not
unny.> Then she went into a contraction. >O#ay, o#ay,> I said. >I.m on my way.>
,e +oarded the p!ane or %ustin, and as we too# our seats, Stap!e<ton said, >Let
me "i$e you a !itt!e marita! ad$ice. I don.t #now i your wie.s ha$in" a +a+y
toni"ht, +ut we need to ca!! her a"ain when we "et up in the air.> The p!ane +e"an
its ta8i, +ut I was too impatient to wait or ta#eo-, so I ca!!ed her rom the runway
on my ce!! phone. >Loo#, what.s "oin" onG> I said. >My contractions are a minute
!on", and they.re ;$e minutes apart, and they.re "ettin" !on"er,> she said. >Kiri,
do you thin# we.re ha$in" this +a+y toni"htG> >6eah, I thin# we.re ha$in" the +a+y
toni"ht.> >I.!! ca!! you as soon as we !and.>
I hun" up, and ordered two +eers rom the 7i"ht attendant, and Bi!! and I c!in#ed
+ott!es and toasted the +a+y. It was @ust a ?D<minute 7i"ht to %ustin, +ut my !e"
@i""!ed the who!e way there. %s soon as !anded, I ca!!ed her a"ain. 5sua!!y, when
Kiri answers the phone she says >HiP> with a $oice u!! o enthusiasm. But this time
she pic#ed up with a du!! >Hi.> >How you ee!in", +a+eG> I said, tryin" to sound
ca!m. >/ot "ood.> >How we doin"G> >Ho!d on,> she said. She had another
contraction. %ter a minute she "ot +ac# on. >Ha$e you ca!!ed the doctorG> I said.
>6eah.> >,hat.d he sayG> >He said to come into the hospita! as soon as you "et
home.> >O#ay,> I said. >I.!! +e there.> I 7oored it. I dro$e CD: in a M: 'one. I
screeched into the dri$eway, he!ped Kiri into the car, and then dro$e more
careu!!y to St. 0a$id.s Hospita!, the same p!ace where I had my cancer sur"ery.
For"et what they te!! you a+out the mirac!e o chi!d+irth, and how it.s the "reatest
thin" that e$er happens to you. It was horri+!e, terriyin", one o the worst ni"hts
o my !ie, +ecause I was so worried or Kiri, and or our +a+y, or a!! o us. Kiri had
+een in !a+or or three hours as it turned out, and when the de!i$ery<room sta-
too# a !oo# at her and to!d me how di!ated she was, I to!d her, >6ou.re a stud.>
,hat.s more, the +a+y was turned >sunny side up,> with its ace toward her
tai!+one, so she had rac#in" pains in her +ac#. The +a+y was comin" +utt<;rst,
and Kiri had trou+!e de!i$erin". She tore, and she +!ed, and then the doctor said,
>,e.re "oin" to ha$e to use the $acuum.> They +rou"ht out somethin" that
practica!!y !oo#ed !i#e a +athroom p!un"er, and they attached it to my wie. They
perormed a procedure, and1and the +a+y popped ri"ht out. It was a +oy. Lu#e
0a$id %rmstron" was oHcia!!y +orn. ,hen they pu!!ed him out he was tiny, and
+!ue, and co$ered with +irth 7uids. They p!aced him on Kiri.s chest, and we
hudd!ed to"ether. But he wasn.t cryin". He @ust made a coup!e o sma!!, mew<!i#e
sounds. The de!i$ery<room sta- seemed concerned that he wasn.t ma#in" more
noise. .ry, I thou"ht. %nother moment passed, and sti!! Lu#e didn.t cry. .ome on,
cry. I cou!d ee! the room "row tense around me. >He.s "oin" to need a !itt!e he!p,>
someone said. They too# him away rom us. % nurse whis#ed the +a+y out o Kiri.s
arms and around a corner into another room, u!! o comp!icated e=uipment.
Sudden!y, peop!e were runnin". >,hat.s wron"G> Kiri said. >,hat.s happenin"G> >I
don.t #now,> I said. Medica! personne! dashed in and out o the room, as i it was
an emer"ency. I he!d Kiri.s hand and I craned my nec#, tryin" to see what was
"oin" on in the ne8t room. I cou!dn.t see our +a+y. I didn.t #now what to do. My
son was in there, +ut I didn.t want to !ea$e Kiri, who was terri;ed. She #ept sayin"
to me, >,hat.s "oin" on, what are they doin" to himG> Fina!!y, I !et "o o her hand
and peered around the corner. They had him on o8y"en, with a tiny mas# o$er his
ace. .ry, please. 6lease, please cry. I was petri;ed. %t that moment I wou!d ha$e
done anythin" @ust to hear him scream, a+so!ute!y anythin". ,hate$er I #new
a+out ear was comp!ete!y ec!ipsed in that de!i$ery room. I was scared when I was
dia"nosed with cancer, and I was scared when I was +ein" treated, +ut it was
nothin" compared to what I e!t when they too# our +a+y away rom us. I e!t
tota!!y he!p!ess, +ecause this time it wasn.t me who was sic#, it was some+ody
e!se. It was my son. They remo$ed the mas#. He opened his mouth, and
scrunched his ace, and a!! o a sudden he !et out a +i", stron" >,haaaaaaaaaaPPP>
He screamed !i#e a wor!d<c!ass, champion screamer. ,ith that, his co!or chan"ed,
and e$eryone seemed to re!a8. They +rou"ht him +ac# to us. I he!d him, and I
#issed him. I +athed him, and the nurse showed me how to swadd!e him, and
to"ether, Kiri and Lu#e and I went to a !ar"e hospita! room that was a!most !i#e a
hote! suite. It had the re"u!ation hospita! +ed and e=uipment, +ut it a!so had a
soa and a co-ee ta+!e or $isitors. ,e s!ept to"ether or a ew hours, and then
e$eryone +e"an
to arri$e. My mother came, and Kiri.s parents, and Bi!! and Laura Stap!eton. That
;rst e$enin", we had a pi''a party. 2isitors stuc# their heads in our door to see
Kiri sittin" up in +ed sippin" a Shiner Boc# and chewin" on a s!ice. My mother and
I too# a stro!! throu"h the corridors, and I cou!dn.t he!p thin#in" a+out what I had
@ust "one throu"h with Lu#e. I comp!ete!y understood now what she must ha$e
e!t when it seemed as thou"h she mi"ht out!i$e her own chi!d. ,e passed +y my
o!d hospita! room. >Remem+er thatG> I as#ed. ,e smi!ed at each other.
TH3 T53STIO/ TH%T LI/)3RS IS, HO, M5*H ,%S I % actor in my own sur$i$a!,
and how much was science, and how much mirac!eG I don.t ha$e the answer to
that =uestion. Other peop!e !oo# to me or the answer, I #now. But i I cou!d
answer it, we wou!d ha$e the cure or cancer, and what.s more, we wou!d athom
the true meanin" o our e8istences. I can de!i$er moti$ation, inspiration, hope,
coura"e, and counse!, +ut I can.t answer the un#nowa+!e. 4ersona!!y, I don.t need
to try. I.m content with simp!y +ein" a!i$e to en@oy the mystery.
)ood @o#e: % man is cau"ht in a 7ood, and as the water rises he c!im+s to the roo
o his house and waits to +e rescued. % "uy in a motor+oat comes +y, and he
says, >Hop in, I.!! sa$e you.> >/o, than#s,> the man on the rootop says. >My Lord
wi!! sa$e me.> But the 7oodwaters #eep risin". % ew minutes !ater, a rescue p!ane
7ies o$erhead and the pi!ot drops a !ine. >/o, than#s,> the man on the rootop
says. >My Lord wi!! sa$e me.> But the 7oodwaters rise e$er hi"her, and ;na!!y,
they o$er7ow the roo and the man drowns. ,hen he "ets to hea$en, he conronts
)od. >My Lord, why didn.t you sa$e meG> he imp!ores. >6ou idiot,> )od says. >I
sent you a +oat, I sent you a p!ane.> I thin# in a way we are a!! @ust !i#e the "uy on
the rootop. Thin"s ta#e p!ace, there is a con7uence o e$ents and circumstances,
and we can.t a!ways #now their purpose, or e$en i there is one. But we can ta#e
responsi+i!ity or ourse!$es and +e +ra$e. ,e each cope di-erent!y with the
specter o our deaths. Some peop!e deny it. Some pray. Some num+ themse!$es
with te=ui!a. I was tempted to do a !itt!e o each o those thin"s. But I thin# we are
supposed to try to ace it strai"htorward!y, armed with nothin" +ut coura"e. The
de;nition o coura"e is: the =ua!ity o spirit that ena+!es one to encounter dan"er
with ;rmness and without ear. It.s a act that chi!dren with cancer ha$e hi"her
cure rates than adu!ts with cancer, and I wonder i the reason is their natura!,
unthin#in" +ra$ery. Sometimes !itt!e #ids seem +etter e=uipped to dea! with
cancer than "rown<ups are. They.re $ery determined !itt!e characters, and you
don.t ha$e to "i$e them +i" pep ta!#s. %du!ts #now too much a+out ai!ureA they.re
more cynica! and resi"ned and earu!. Kids say, >I want to p!ay. Hurry up, and
ma#e me +etter.> That.s a!! they want. ,hen ,heaties decided to put me on the
co$er o the +o8 ater the Tour de France, I as#ed i we cou!d ho!d the press
conerence in the chi!dren.s cancer ward at the same hospita! where my son was
+orn. %s I $isited with the #ids and si"ned some auto"raphs, one !itt!e +oy
"ra++ed a ,heaties +o8 and stood at my #nees, c!utchin" it to his chest. >*an I
ha$e thisG> he said. >6eah, you can ha$e it,> I said. >It.s yours.> He @ust stood
there, !oo#in" at the +o8, and then he !oo#ed +ac# at me. I ;"ured he was pretty
impressed. Then he said, >,hat shapes are theyG> >,hatG> I said. >,hat shapes
are theyG>
>,e!!,> I said, >it.s cereal. It.s a!! di-erent shapes.> >Oh,> he said. >O#ay.> See, to
him, it.s not a+out cancer. It.s @ust a+out cerea!.
IF *HIL0R3/ H%23 TH3 %BILIT6 TO I)/OR3 O00S %/0 percenta"es, then may+e
we can a!! !earn rom them. ,hen you thin# a+out it, what other choice is there
+ut to hopeG ,e ha$e two options, medica!!y and emotiona!!y: "i$e up, or ;"ht !i#e
he!!. %ter I was we!! a"ain, I as#ed 0r. /icho!s what my chances rea!!y were. >6ou
were in +ad shape,> he said. He to!d me I was one o the worst cases he had seen.
I as#ed, >How +ad was IG ,orst ;ty percentG> He shoo# his head. >,orst twenty
percentG> He shoo# his head a"ain. >,orst tenG> He sti!! shoo# his head. ,hen I
"ot to three percent, he started noddin". %nythin".s possi+!e. 6ou can +e to!d you
ha$e a ED<percent chance or a :D<percent chance or a C<percent chance, +ut you
ha$e to +e!ie$e, and you ha$e to ;"ht. By ;"ht I mean arm yourse! with a!! the
a$ai!a+!e inormation, "et second opinions, third opinions, and ourth opinions.
5nderstand what has in$aded your +ody, and what the possi+!e cures are. It.s
another act o cancer that the more inormed and empowered patient has a
+etter chance o !on"<term sur$i$a!. ,hat i I had !ostG ,hat i I re!apsed and the
cancer came +ac#G I sti!! +e!ie$e I wou!d ha$e "ained somethin" in the stru""!e,
+ecause in what time I had !et I wou!d ha$e +een a more comp!ete,
compassionate, and inte!!i"ent man, and thereore more a!i$e. The one thin" the
i!!ness has con$inced me o +eyond a!! dou+t1more than any e8perience I.$e had
as an ath!ete1is that we are much +etter than we #now. ,e ha$e unrea!i'ed
capacities that sometimes on!y emer"e in crisis. So i there is a purpose to the
su-erin" that is cancer, I thin# it must +e this: it.s meant to impro$e us. I am $ery
;rm in my +e!ie that cancer is not a orm o death. I choose to rede;ne it: it is a
part o !ie. One aternoon when I was in remission and sittin" around waitin" to
;nd out i the cancer wou!d come +ac#, I made an acronym out o the word:
*oura"e, %ttitude, /e$er "i$e up, *ura+i!ity, 3n!i"htenment, and Remem+rance o
my e!!ow patients. In one o our ta!#s, I as#ed 0r. /icho!s why he chose onco!o"y,
a ;e!d so diHcu!t and heart+rea#in". >May+e or some o the same reasons you do
what you do,> he said. In a way, he su""ested, cancer is the Tour de France o
i!!nesses. >The +urden o cancer is enormous, +ut what "reater cha!!en"e can you
as#G> he said. >There.s no =uestion it.s disheartenin" and sad, +ut e$en when you
don.t cure peop!e, you.re a!ways he!pin" them. I you.re not a+!e to treat them
successu!!y, at !east you can he!p them mana"e the i!!ness. 6ou connect with
peop!e. There are more human moments in onco!o"y than any other ;e!d I cou!d
ima"ine. 6ou ne$er "et used to it, +ut you come to appreciate how peop!e dea!
with it1how stron" they are.> +5ou don't know it yet, but we're the lucky ones,+
my e!!ow cancer patient had written. I wi!! a!ways carry the !esson o cancer with
me, and ee! that I.m a mem+er o the cancer community. I +e!ie$e I ha$e an
o+!i"ation to ma#e somethin" +etter out o my !ie than +eore, and to he!p my
e!!ow human +ein"s who are dea!in" with the disease. It.s a community o shared
e8perience. %nyone who has heard the words 5ou ha&e cancer and thou"ht, >Oh,
my )od, I.m "oin" to die,> is a mem+er o it. I you.$e e$er +e!on"ed, you ne$er
!ea$e. So when the wor!d seems unpromisin" and "ray, and human nature mean, I
ta#e out my dri$er.s !icense and I stare at the picture, and I thin# a+out LaTrice
Haney, Scott Shapiro, *rai" /icho!s, Lawrence 3inhorn, and the !itt!e +oy who !i#es
cerea! or their shapes. I thin# a+out my son, the em+odiment o my second !ie,
who "i$es me a purpose apart rom myse!. Sometimes, I wa#e up in the midd!e o
the ni"ht and I miss him. I !it him out o his cri+ and I ta#e him +ac# to +ed with
me, and I !ay him on my chest. 3$ery cry o his de!i"hts me. He throws +ac# his
tiny head and his chin trem+!es and his hands c!aw the air, and he wai!s. It sounds
!i#e the wai! o !ie to me. >6eah, that.s ri"ht,> I ur"e him. >)o on.>
The !ouder he cries, the more I smi!e.