Gargantua - Franois Rabelais

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The Author's Prologue to the First Book.
Most noble and illustrious drinkers, and ou thrice !recious !ocki"ied blades #"or to ou, and none else, do $ dedicate % &ritings',
Alcibiades, in that dialogue o" Plato's, &hich is entitled The Ban(uet, &hilst he &as setting "orth the !raises o" his school%aster
)ocrates #&ithout all (uestion the !rince o" !hiloso!hers', a%ongst other discourses to that !ur!ose, said that he rese%bled the
)ilenes. )ilenes o" old &ere little bo*es, like those &e no& %a see in the sho!s o" a!othecaries, !ainted on the outside &ith
&anton toish "igures, as har!ies, satrs, bridled geese, horned hares, saddled ducks, "ling goats, thiller harts, and other such-like
counter"eited !ictures at discretion, to e*cite !eo!le unto laughter, as )ilenus hi%sel", &ho &as the "oster-"ather o" good Bacchus,
&as &ont to do+ but &ithin those ca!ricious caskets &ere care"ull !reser,ed and ke!t %an rich -e&els and "ine drugs, such as
bal%, a%bergris, a%o%on, %usk, ci,et, &ith se,eral kinds o" !recious stones, and other things o" great !rice. .ust such another
thing &as )ocrates. For to ha,e eed his outside, and estee%ed o" hi% b his e*terior a!!earance, ou &ould not ha,e gi,en the
!eel o" an onion "or hi%, so de"or%ed he &as in bod, and ridiculous in his gesture. /e had a shar! !ointed nose, &ith the look o" a
bull, and countenance o" a "ool0 he &as in his carriage si%!le, boorish in his a!!arel, in "ortune !oor, unha!! in his &i,es, un"it
"or all o""ices in the co%%on&ealth, al&as laughing, ti!!ling, and %erril carousing to e,erone, &ith continual gibes and -eers,
the better b those %eans to conceal his di,ine kno&ledge. 1o&, o!ening this bo* ou &ould ha,e "ound &ithin it a hea,enl and
inesti%able drug, a %ore than hu%an understanding, an ad%irable ,irtue, %atchless learning, in,incible courage, uni%itable
sobriet, certain content%ent o" %ind, !er"ect assurance, and an incredible %isregard o" all that "or &hich %en co%%onl do so
%uch &atch, run, sail, "ight, tra,el, toil and tur%oil the%sel,es.
Whereunto #in our o!inion' doth this little "lourish o" a !rea%ble tend2 For so %uch as ou, % good disci!les, and so%e other
-oll "ools o" ease and leisure, reading the !leasant titles o" so%e books o" our in,ention, as Gargantua, Pantagruel, Whi!!ot
#Fesse!inte.', the 3ignit o" 4od!ieces, o" Pease and Bacon &ith a 4o%%entar, 5c., are too read to -udge that there is nothing
in the% but -ests, %ockeries, lasci,ious discourse, and recreati,e lies+ because the outside #&hich is the title' is usuall, &ithout
an "arther in(uir, entertained &ith sco""ing and derision. But trul it is ,er unbesee%ing to %ake so slight account o" the &orks
o" %en, seeing oursel,es a,ouch that it is not the habit %akes the %onk, %an being %onasteriall accoutred, &ho in&ardl are
nothing less than %onachal, and that there are o" those that &ear )!anish ca!es, &ho ha,e but little o" the ,alour o" )!aniards in
the%. There"ore is it, that ou %ust o!en the book, and seriousl consider o" the %atter treated in it. Then shall ou "ind that it
containeth things o" "ar higher ,alue than the bo* did !ro%ise+ that is to sa, that the sub-ect thereo" is not so "oolish as b the title
at the "irst sight it &ould a!!ear to be.
And !ut the case, that in the literal sense ou %eet &ith !ur!oses %err and solacious enough, and conse(uentl ,er
corres!ondent to their inscri!tions, et %ust not ou sto! there as at the %elod o" the char%ing srens, but endea,our to inter!ret
that in a subli%er sense &hich !ossibl ou intended to ha,e s!oken in the -ollit o" our heart. 3id ou e,er !ick the lock o" a
cu!board to steal a bottle o" &ine out o" it2 Tell %e trul, and, i" ou did, call to %ind the countenance &hich then ou had. 6r, did
ou e,er see a dog &ith a %arro&bone in his %outh,7the beast o" all other, sas Plato, lib. 8, de Re!ublica, the %ost
!hiloso!hical2 $" ou ha,e seen hi%, ou %ight ha,e re%arked &ith &hat de,otion and circu%s!ectness he &ards and &atcheth it0
&ith &hat care he kee!s it0 ho& "er,entl he holds it0 ho& !rudentl he gobbets it0 &ith &hat a""ection he breaks it0 and &ith &hat
diligence he sucks it. To &hat end all this2 What %o,eth hi% to take all these !ains2 What are the ho!es o" his labour2 What doth
he e*!ect to rea! thereb2 1othing but a little %arro&. True it is, that this little is %ore sa,our and delicious than the great
(uantities o" other sorts o" %eat, because the %arro& #as Galen testi"ieth, 9. "acult. nat. 5 ::. de usu !artiu%' is a nourish%ent
%ost !er"ectl elaboured b nature.
$n i%itation o" this dog, it beco%es ou to be &ise, to s%ell, "eel and ha,e in esti%ation these "air goodl books, stu""ed &ith high
conce!tions, &hich, though see%ingl eas in the !ursuit, are in the co!e and encounter so%e&hat di""icult. And then, like hi%,
ou %ust, b a sedulous lecture, and "re(uent %editation, break the bone, and suck out the %arro&,7that is, % allegorical sense,
or the things $ to %sel" !ro!ose to be signi"ied b these Pthagorical s%bols, &ith assured ho!e, that in so doing ou &ill at last
attain to be both &ell-ad,ised and ,aliant b the reading o" the%0 "or in the !erusal o" this treatise ou shall "ind another kind o"
taste, and a doctrine o" a %ore !ro"ound and abstruse consideration, &hich &ill disclose unto ou the %ost glorious sacra%ents and
dread"ul %steries, as &ell in &hat concerneth our religion, as %atters o" the !ublic state, and li"e econo%ical.
3o ou belie,e, u!on our conscience, that /o%er, &hilst he &as a-couching his $liads and 6dsses, had an thought u!on those
allegories, &hich Plutarch, /eraclides Ponticus, ;ustathius, 4ornutus s(uee<ed out o" hi%, and &hich Politian "ilched again "ro%
the%2 $" ou trust it, &ith neither hand nor "oot do ou co%e near to % o!inion, &hich -udgeth the% to ha,e been as little
drea%ed o" b /o%er, as the Gos!el sacra%ents &ere b 6,id in his Meta%or!hoses, though a certain gulligut "riar #Frere =ubin
cro(uelardon.' and true bacon-!icker &ould ha,e undertaken to !ro,e it, i" !erha!s he had %et &ith as ,er "ools as hi%sel", #and
as the !ro,erb sas' a lid &orth o" such a kettle.
$" ou gi,e no credit thereto, &h do not ou the sa%e in these -o,ial ne& chronicles o" %ine2 Albeit &hen $ did dictate the%, $
thought u!on no %ore than ou, &ho !ossibl &ere drinking the &hilst as $ &as. For in the co%!osing o" this lordl book, $ ne,er
lost nor besto&ed an %ore, nor an other ti%e than &hat &as a!!ointed to ser,e %e "or taking o" % bodil re"ection, that is,
&hilst $ &as eating and drinking. And indeed that is the "ittest and %ost !ro!er hour &herein to &rite these high %atters and dee!
sciences0 as /o%er kne& ,er &ell, the !aragon o" all !hilologues, and ;nnius, the "ather o" the =atin !oets, as /orace calls hi%,
although a certain sneaking -obernol alleged that his ,erses s%elled %ore o" the &ine than oil.
)o saith a turlu!in or a ne& start-u! grub o" % books, but a turd "or hi%. The "ragrant odour o" the &ine, 6 ho& %uch %ore
daint, !leasant, laughing #Riant, !riant, "riant.', celestial and delicious it is, than that s%ell o" oil> And $ &ill glor as %uch &hen
it is said o" %e, that $ ha,e s!ent %ore on &ine than oil, as did 3e%osthenes, &hen it &as told hi%, that his e*!ense on oil &as
greater than on &ine. $ trul hold it "or an honour and !raise to be called and re!uted a Frolic Gualter and a Robin Good"ello&+ "or
under this na%e a% $ &elco%e in all choice co%!anies o" Pantagruelists. $t &as u!braided to 3e%osthenes b an en,ious surl
kna,e, that his 6rations did s%ell like the sar!ler or &ra!!er o" a "oul and "ilth oil-,essel. For this cause inter!ret ou all %
deeds and saings in the !er"ectest sense+ re,erence the cheese-like brain that "eeds ou &ith these "air bille,e<ees and tri"ling
-ollities, and do &hat lies in ou to kee! %e al&as %err. Be "rolic no&, % lads, cheer u! our hearts, and -o"ull read the rest,
&ith all the ease o" our bod and !ro"it o" our reins. But hearken, -oltheads, ou ,ieda<es, or dickens take e, re%e%ber to drink
a health to %e "or the like "a,our again, and $ &ill !ledge ou instantl, Tout ares-%ets.
Rabelais to the Readers
Good "riends, % Readers, &ho !eruse this Book,
Be not o""ended, &hilst on it ou look0
3enude oursel,es o" all de!ra,ed a""ection,
For it contains no badness, nor in"ection0
'Tis true that it brings "orth to ou no birth
6" an ,alue, but in !oint o" %irth+
Thinking there"ore ho& sorro& %ight our %ind
4onsu%e, $ could no a!ter sub-ect "ind+
6ne inch o" -o sur%ounts o" grie" a s!an+
Because to laugh is !ro!er to the %an.
6" the Genealog and Anti(uit o" Gargantua.
$ %ust re"er ou to the great chronicle o" Pantagruel "or the kno&ledge o" that genealog and anti(uit o" race b &hich Gargantua
is co%e unto us. $n it ou %a understand %ore at large ho& the giants &ere born in this &orld, and ho& "ro% the% b a direct line
issued Gargantua, the "ather o" Pantagruel0 and do not take it ill, i" "or this ti%e $ !ass b it, although the sub-ect be such, that the
o"tener it &ere re%e%bered, the %ore it &ould !lease our &orshi!"ul )eniorias+ according to &hich ou ha,e the authorit o"
Plato in Philebo and Gorgias+ and o" Flaccus, &ho sas that there are so%e kinds o" !ur!oses #such as these are &ithout doubt',
&hich, the "re(uentlier the be re!eated, still !ro,e the %ore delectable.
Would to God e,erone had as certain kno&ledge o" his genealog since the ti%e o" the ark o" 1oah until this age. $ think %an
are at this da e%!erors, kings, dukes, !rinces, and !o!es on the earth, &hose e*traction is "ro% so%e !orters and !ardon-!edlars+
as, on the contrar, %an are no& !oor &andering beggars, &retched and %iserable, &ho are descended o" the blood and lineage o"
great kings and e%!erors, occasioned, as $ concei,e it, b the trans!ort and re,olution o" kingdo%s and e%!ires, "ro% the
Assrians to the Medes, "ro% the Medes to the Persians, "ro% the Persians to the Macedonians, "ro% the Macedonians to the
Ro%ans, "ro% the Ro%ans to the Greeks, "ro% the Greeks to the French.
And to gi,e ou so%e hint concerning %sel", &ho s!eaks unto ou, $ cannot think but $ a% co%e o" the race o" so%e rich king or
!rince in "or%er ti%es+ "or ne,er et sa& ou an %an that had a greater desire to be a king, and to be rich, than $ ha,e, and that
onl that $ %a %ake good cheer, do nothing, nor care "or anthing, and !lenti"ull enrich % "riends, and all honest and learned
%en. But herein do $ co%"ort %sel", that in the other &orld $ shall be so, ea and greater too than at this !resent $ dare &ish. As
"or ou, &ith the sa%e or a better conceit consolate oursel,es in our distresses, and drink "resh i" ou can co%e b it.
To return to our &ethers, $ sa that b the so,ereign gi"t o" hea,en, the anti(uit and genealog o" Gargantua hath been reser,ed
"or our use %ore "ull and !er"ect than an other e*ce!t that o" the Messias, &hereo" $ %ean not to s!eak+ "or it belongs not unto %
!ur!ose, and the de,ils, that is to sa, the "alse accusers and disse%bled gos!ellers, &ill therein o!!ose %e. This genealog &as
"ound b .ohn Andre& in a %eado&, &hich he had near the !ole-arch, under the oli,e-tree, as ou go to 1arsa0 &here, as he &as
%aking cast u! so%e ditches, the diggers &ith their %attocks struck against a great bra<en to%b, and un%easurabl long, "or the
could ne,er "ind the end thereo", b reason that it entered too "ar &ithin the sluices o" ?ienne. 6!ening this to%b in a certain !lace
thereo", sealed on the to! &ith the %ark o" a goblet, about &hich &as &ritten in ;trurian letters /ic Bibitur, the "ound nine
"lagons set in such order as the use to rank their kles in Gascon, o" &hich that &hich &as !laced in the %iddle had under it a
big, "at, great, gre, !rett, s%all, %ould, little !a%!hlet, s%elling stronger, but no better than roses. $n that book the said
genealog &as "ound &ritten all at length, in a chancer hand, not in !a!er, not in !arch%ent, nor in &a*, but in the bark o" an el%-
tree, et so &orn &ith the long tract o" ti%e, that hardl could three letters together be there !er"ectl discerned.
$ #though un&orth' &as sent "or thither, and &ith %uch hel! o" those s!ectacles, &hereb the art o" reading di% &ritings, and
letters that do not clearl a!!ear to the sight, is !ractised, as Aristotle teacheth it, did translate the book as ou %a see in our
Pantagrueli<ing, that is to sa, in drinking sti""l to our o&n heart's desire, and reading the dread"ul and horri"ic acts o"
Pantagruel. At the end o" the book there &as a little treatise entitled the Antidoted Fan"reluches, or a Gali%atia o" e*tra,agant
conceits. The rats and %oths, or #that $ %a not lie' other &icked beasts, had nibbled o"" the beginning0 the rest $ ha,e hereto
sub-oined, "or the re,erence $ bear to anti(uit.
The Antidoted Fan"reluches or, a Gali%atia o" e*tra,agant 4onceits "ound in an ancient Monu%ent
1o sooner did the 4%brians' o,erco%er
Pass through the air to shun the de& o" su%%er,
But at his co%ing straight great tubs &ere "ill'd,
With !ure "resh butter do&n in sho&ers distill'd0
Where&ith &hen &ater'd &as his granda%, /e,
Aloud he cried, Fish it, sir, $ !ra '+
Because his beard is al%ost all bera'd+
6r, that he &ould hold to '% a scale, he !ra'd.
To lick his sli!!er, so%e told &as %uch better,
Than to gain !ardons, and the %erit greater.
$n th' interi% a cra"t chu"" a!!roaches,
Fro% the de!th issued, &here the "ish "or roaches+
Who said, Good sirs, so%e o" the% let us sa,e,
The eel is here, and in this hollo& ca,e
@ou'll "ind, i" that our looks on it de%ur,
A great &aste in the botto% o" his "ur.
To read this cha!ter &hen he did begin,
1othing but a cal"'s horns &ere "ound therein+
$ "eel, (uoth he, the %itre &hich doth hold
M head so chill, it %akes % brains take cold.
Being &ith the !er"u%e o" a turni! &ar%'d,
To sta b chi%ne hearths hi%sel" he ar%'d,
Pro,ided that a ne& thill-horse the %ade
6" e,er !erson o" a hair-brain'd head.
The talked o" the bunghole o" )aint Ano&les,
6" Gilbathar and thousand other holes,
$" the %ight be reduced t' a scarr stu"",
)uch as %ight not be sub-ect to the cough0
)ince e,'r %an unsee%l did it "ind,
To see the% ga!ing thus at e,'r &ind0
For, i" !erha!s the handso%el &ere closed,
For !ledges the to %en %ight be e*!osed.
$n this arrest b /ercules the ra,en
Was "laed at her #his' return "ro% =bia ha,en.
Wh a% not $, said Minos, there in,ited2
Bnless it be %sel", not one's o%itted0
And then it is their %ind, $ do no %ore
6" "rogs and osters send the% an store0
$n case the s!are % li"e and !ro,e but ci,il,
$ gi,e their sale o" dista""s to the de,il.
To (uell hi% co%es C.B., &ho li%!ing "rets
At the sa"e !ass o" tricks crackarets0
The boulter, the grand 4clo!s' cousin, those
3id %assacre, &hilst each one &i!ed his nose0
Fe& ingles in this "allo& ground are bred,
But on a tanner's %ill are &inno&ed.
Run thither all o" ou, th' alar%s sound clear,
@ou shall ha,e %ore than ou had the last ear.
)hort &hile therea"ter &as the bird o" .o,e
Resol,ed to s!eak, though dis%al it should !ro,e+
@et &as a"raid, &hen he sa& the% in ire,
The should o'erthro& (uite "lat do&n dead th' e%!ire.
/e rather choosed the "ire "ro% hea,en to steal,
To boats &here &ere red herrings !ut to sale+
Than to be cal% 'gainst those, &ho stri,e to bra,e us,
And to the Massorets' "ond &ords ensla,e us.
All this at last concluded gallantl,
$n s!ite o" Ate and her hern-like thigh,
Who, sitting, sa& Penthesilea ta'en,
$n her old age, "or a cress-selling (uean.
;ach one cried out, Thou "ilth collier toad,
3oth it beco%e thee to be "ound abroad2
Thou hast the Ro%an standard "ilch'd a&a,
Which the in rags o" !arch%ent did dis!la.
.uno &as born, &ho, under the rainbo&,
Was a-bird-catching &ith her duck belo&0
When her &ith such a grie,ous trick the !lied
That she had al%ost been beth&acked b it.
The bargain &as, that, o" that throat"ul, she
)hould o" Proser!ina ha,e t&o eggs "ree+
And i" that she therea"ter should be "ound,
)he to a ha&thorn hill should be "ast bound.
)e,en %onths therea"ter, lacking t&ent-t&o,
/e, that o" old did 4arthage to&n undo,
3id bra,el %idst the% all hi%sel" ad,ance,
Re(uiring o" the% his inheritance+
Although the -ustl %ade u! the di,ision,
According to the shoe-&elt-la&'s decision,
B distributing store o" bre&s and bee"
To these !oor "ello&s that did !en the brie".
But th' ear &ill co%e, sign o" a Turkish bo&,
Fi,e s!indles arn'd, and three !ot-botto%s too,
Wherein o" a discourteous king the dock
)hall !e!!er'd be under an her%it's "rock.
Ah> that "or one she h!ocrite ou %ust
Per%it so %an acres to be lost>
4ease, cease, this ,i<ard %a beco%e another,
Withdra& oursel,es unto the ser!ent's brother.
'Tis in ti%es !ast, that he &ho is shall reign
With his good "riends in !eace no& and again.
1o rash nor head !rince shall then rule cra,e,
;ach good &ill its arbitre%ent shall ha,e+
And the -o, !ro%ised o" old as doo%
To the hea,en's guests, shall in its beacon co%e.
Then shall the breeding %ares, that benu%b'd &ere,
=ike roal !al"res ride triu%!hant there.
And this continue shall "ro% ti%e to ti%e,
Till Mars be "etter'd "or an unkno&n cri%e+
Then shall one co%e, &ho others &ill sur!ass,
3elight"ul, !leasing, %atchless, "ull o" grace.
4heer u! our hearts, a!!roach to this re!ast,
All trust "riends o" %ine+ "or he's deceased,
Who &ould not "or a &orld return again,
)o highl shall ti%e !ast be cried u! then.
/e &ho &as %ade o" &a* shall lodge each %e%ber
4lose b the hinges o" a block o" ti%ber.
We then no %ore shall Master, %aster, &hoot,
The s&agger, &ho th' alaru% bell holds out+
4ould one sei<e on the dagger &hich he bears,
/eads &ould be "ree "ro% tingling in the ears,
To ba""le the &hole storehouse o" abuses.
The thus "are&ell A!ollo and the Muses.
/o& Gargantua &as carried ele,en %onths in his %other's bell
Grangousier &as a good "ello& in his ti%e, and notable -ester+ he lo,ed to drink neat, as %uch as an %an that then &as in the
&orld, and &ould &illingl eat salt %eat. To this intent he &as ordinaril &ell "urnished &ith ga%%ons o" bacon, both o"
West!halia, Maence and Baonne, &ith store o" dried neat's tongues, !lent o" links, chitterlings and !uddings in their season+
together &ith salt bee" and %ustard, a good deal o" hard roes o" !o&dered %ullet called botargos, great !ro,ision o" sausages, not
o" Bolonia #"or he "eared the =o%bard Boccone', but o" Bigorre, =ongaulna, Brene, and Rouargue. $n the ,igour o" his age he
%arried Garga%elle, daughter to the Aing o" the Par!aillons, a -oll !ug, and &ell-%outhed &ench. These t&o did o"tenti%es do
the t&o-backed beast together, -o"ull rubbing and "rotting their bacon 'gainst one another, in so "ar, that at last she beca%e great
&ith child o" a "air son, and &ent &ith hi% unto the ele,enth %onth+ "or so long, ea longer, %a a &o%an carr her great bell,
es!eciall &hen it is so%e %aster!iece o" nature, and a !erson !redestinated to the !er"or%ance, in his due ti%e, o" great e*!loits.
As /o%er sas, that the child, &hich 1e!tune begot u!on the n%!h, &as born a &hole ear a"ter the conce!tion, that is, in the
t&el"th %onth. For, as Aulus Gellius saith, lib. D, this long ti%e &as suitable to the %a-est o" 1e!tune, that in it the child %ight
recei,e his !er"ect "or%. For the like reason .u!iter %ade the night, &herein he la &ith Alc%ena, last "ort-eight hours, a shorter
ti%e not being su""icient "or the "orging o" /ercules, &ho cleansed the &orld o" the %onsters and trants &here&ith it &as
su!!ressed. M %asters, the ancient Pantagruelists, ha,e con"ir%ed that &hich $ sa, and &ithal declared it to be not onl !ossible,
but also %aintained the la&"ul birth and legiti%ation o" the in"ant born o" a &o%an in the ele,enth %onth a"ter the decease o" her
husband. /!ocrates, lib. de ali%ento. Plinius, lib. E, ca!. 9. Plautus, in his 4istelleria. Marcus ?arro, in his satire inscribed The
Testa%ent, alleging to this !ur!ose the authorit o" Aristotle. 4ensorinus, lib. de die natali. Arist. lib. E, ca!. D 5 F, de natura
ani%aliu%. Gellius, lib. D, ca!. :G. )er,ius, in his e*!osition u!on this ,erse o" ?irgil's eclogues, Matri longa dece%, 5c., and a
thousand other "ools, &hose nu%ber hath been increased b the la&ers "". de suis, et legit l. intestato. !aragra!ho. "in. and in
Auth. de restitut. et ea (uae !arit in *i %ense. Moreo,er u!on these grounds the ha,e "oisted in their Robidilardic, or =a!ituroli,e
la&. Gallus "". de lib. et !osth. l. se!t. "". de stat. ho%., and so%e other la&s, &hich at this ti%e $ dare not na%e. B %eans &hereo"
the honest &ido&s %a &ithout danger !la at the close buttock ga%e &ith %ight and %ain, and as hard as the can, "or the s!ace
o" the "irst t&o %onths a"ter the decease o" their husbands. $ !ra ou, % good lust s!ringal lads, i" ou "ind an o" these
"e%ales, that are &orth the !ains o" unting the cod!iece-!oint, get u!, ride u!on the%, and bring the% to %e+ "or, i" the ha!!en
&ithin the third %onth to concei,e, the child should be heir to the deceased, i", be"ore he died, he had no other children, and the
%other shall !ass "or an honest &o%an.
When she is kno&n to ha,e concei,ed, thrust "or&ard boldl, s!are her not, &hate,er betide ou, seeing the !aunch is "ull. As
.ulia, the daughter o" the ;%!eror 6cta,ian, ne,er !rostituted hersel" to her bell-bu%!ers, but &hen she "ound hersel" &ith child,
a"ter the %anner o" shi!s, that recei,e not their steers%an till the ha,e their ballast and lading. And i" an bla%e the% "or this
their rataconniculation, and reiterated lecher u!on their !regnanc and big-belliedness, seeing beasts, in the like e*igent o" their
"ulness, &ill ne,er su""er the %ale-%asculant to encroach the%, their ans&er &ill be, that those are beasts, but the are &o%en,
,er &ell skilled in the !rett ,ales and s%all "ees o" the !leasant trade and %steries o" su!er"etation0 as Po!ulia hereto"ore
ans&ered, according to the relation o" Macrobius, lib. 8. )aturnal. $" the de,il &ill not ha,e the% to bag, he %ust &ring hard the
s!igot, and sto! the bung-hole.
/o& Garga%elle, being great &ith Gargantua, did eat a huge deal o" tri!es.
The occasion and %anner ho& Garga%elle &as brought to bed, and deli,ered o" her child, &as thus0 and, i" ou do not belie,e it, $
&ish our bu%-gut "all out and %ake an esca!ade. /er bu%-gut, indeed, or "unda%ent esca!ed her in an a"ternoon, on the third
da o" Februar, &ith ha,ing eaten at dinner too %an godebillios. Godebillios are the "at tri!es o" coiros. 4oiros are bee,es
"attened at the cratch in o*-stalls, or in the "resh gui%o %eado&s. Gui%o %eado&s are those that "or their "ruit"ulness %a be
%o&ed t&ice a ear. 6" those "at bee,es the had killed three hundred si*t-se,en thousand and "ourteen, to be salted at
)hro,etide, that in the entering o" the s!ring the %ight ha,e !lent o" !o&dered bee", &here&ith to season their %ouths at the
beginning o" their %eals, and to taste their &ine the better.
The had abundance o" tri!es, as ou ha,e heard, and the &ere so delicious, that e,erone licked his "ingers. But the %ischie"
&as this, that, "or all %en could do, there &as no !ossibilit to kee! the% long in that relish+ "or in a ,er short &hile the &ould
ha,e stunk, &hich had been an undecent thing. $t &as there"ore concluded, that the should be all o" the% gulched u!, &ithout
losing anthing. To this e""ect the in,ited all the burghers o" )ainais, o" )uille, o" the Roche-4ler%aud, o" ?augaudr, &ithout
o%itting the 4oudra, Mon!ensier, the Gue de ?ede, and other their neighbours, all sti"" drinkers, bra,e "ello&s, and good !laers
at the kles. The good %an Grangousier took great !leasure in their co%!an, and co%%anded there should be no &ant nor
!inching "or anthing. 1e,ertheless he bade his &i"e eat s!aringl, because she &as near her ti%e, and that these tri!es &ere no
,er co%%endable %eat. The &ould "ain, said he, be at the che&ing o" ordure, that &ould eat the case &herein it &as.
1ot&ithstanding these ad%onitions, she did eat si*teen (uarters, t&o bushels, three !ecks and a !i!kin "ull. 6 the "air "ecalit
&here&ith she s&elled, b the ingredienc o" such shitten stu"">
A"ter dinner the all &ent out in a hurl to the gro,e o" the &illo&s, &here, on the green grass, to the sound o" the %err "lutes and
!leasant bag!i!es, the danced so gallantl, that it &as a s&eet and hea,enl s!ort to see the% so "rolic.
The 3iscourse o" the 3rinkers.
Then did the "all u!on the chat o" ,ictuals and so%e bell "urniture to be snatched at in the ,er sa%e !lace. Which !ur!ose &as
no sooner %entioned, but "orth&ith began "lagons to go, ga%%ons to trot, goblets to "l, great bo&ls to ting, glasses to ring. 3ra&,
reach, "ill, %i*, gi,e it %e &ithout &ater. )o, % "riend, so, &hi! %e o"" this glass neatl, bring %e hither so%e claret, a "ull
&ee!ing glass till it run o,er. A cessation and truce &ith thirst. /a, thou "alse "e,er, &ilt thou not be gone2 B % "iggins,
god%other, $ cannot as et enter in the hu%our o" being %err, nor drink so currentl as $ &ould. @ou ha,e catched a cold,
ga%%er2 @ea, "orsooth, sir. B the bell o" )anct Bu"", let us talk o" our drink0 $ ne,er drink but at % hours, like the Po!e's %ule.
And $ ne,er drink but in % bre,iar, like a "air "ather guardian. Which &as "irst, thirst or drinking2 Thirst, "or &ho in the ti%e o"
innocence &ould ha,e drunk &ithout being athirst2 1a, sir, it &as drinking+ "or !ri,atio !raesu!!onit habitu%. $ a% learned, ou
see0 Foecundi calices (ue% non "ecere disertu%2 We !oor innocents drink but too %uch &ithout thirst. 1ot $ trul, &ho a% a
sinner, "or $ ne,er drink &ithout thirst, either !resent or "uture. To !re,ent it, as ou kno&, $ drink "or the thirst to co%e. $ drink
eternall. This is to %e an eternit o" drinking, and drinking o" eternit. =et us sing, let us drink, and tune u! our roundelas.
Where is % "unnel2 What, it see%s $ do not drink but b an attorne2 3o ou &et oursel,es to dr, or do ou dr to &et ou2
Pish, $ understand not the rhetoric #theoric, $ should sa', but $ hel! %sel" so%e&hat b the !ractice. Baste> enough> $ su!, $ &et, $
hu%ect, $ %oisten % gullet, $ drink, and all "or "ear o" ding. 3rink al&as and ou shall ne,er die. $" $ drink not, $ a% a-ground,
dr, gra,elled and s!ent. $ a% stark dead &ithout drink, and % soul read to "l into so%e %arsh a%ongst "rogs+ the soul ne,er
d&ells in a dr !lace, drouth kills it. 6 ou butlers, creators o" ne& "or%s, %ake %e o" no drinker a drinker, a !erennit and
e,erlastingness o" s!rinkling and bede&ing %e through these % !arched and sine& bo&els. /e drinks in ,ain that "eels not the
!leasure o" it. This entereth into % ,eins,--the !issing tools and urinal ,essels shall ha,e nothing o" it. $ &ould &illingl &ash the
tri!es o" the cal" &hich $ a!!arelled this %orning. $ ha,e !rett &ell no& ballasted % sto%ach and stu""ed % !aunch. $" the
!a!ers o" % bonds and bills could drink as &ell as $ do, % creditors &ould not &ant "or &ine &hen the co%e to see %e, or &hen
the are to %ake an "or%al e*hibition o" their rights to &hat o" %e the can de%and. This hand o" ours s!oils our nose. 6 ho&
%an other such &ill enter here be"ore this go out> What, drink so shallo&2 $t is enough to break both girds and !etrel. This is
called a cu! o" dissi%ulation, or "lagonal h!ocris.
What di""erence is there bet&een a bottle and a "lagon. Great di""erence+ "or the bottle is sto!!ed and shut u! &ith a sto!!le, but the
"lagon &ith a ,ice #=a bouteille est "er%ee a bouchon, et le "laccon a ,is.'. Bra,el and &ell !laed u!on the &ords> 6ur "athers
drank lustil, and e%!tied their cans. Well cacked, &ell sung> 4o%e, let us drink0 &ill ou send nothing to the ri,er2 /ere is one
going to &ash the tri!es. $ drink no %ore than a s!onge. $ drink like a Te%!lar knight. And $, tan(ua% s!onsus. And $, sicut terra
sine a(ua. Gi,e %e a snon%on "or a ga%%on o" bacon. $t is the co%!ulsor o" drinkers0 it is a !ulle. B a !ulle-ro!e &ine is
let do&n into a cellar, and b a ga%%on into the sto%ach. /e> no&, bos, hither, so%e drink, so%e drink. There is no trouble in
it. Res!ice !ersona%, !one !ro duos, bus non est in usu. $" $ could get u! as &ell as $ can s&allo& do&n, $ had been long ere no&
,er high in the air.
Thus beca%e To% Toss!ot rich,--thus &ent in the tailor's stitch. Thus did Bacchus con(uer th' $nde--thus Philoso!h, Melinde. A
little rain allas a great deal o" &ind0 long ti!!ling breaks the thunder. But i" there ca%e such li(uor "ro% % ballock, &ould ou
not &illingl therea"ter suck the udder &hence it issued2 /ere, !age, "ill> $ !rithee, "orget %e not &hen it co%es to % turn, and $
&ill enter the election $ ha,e %ade o" thee into the ,er register o" % heart. )u!, Guillot, and s!are not, there is so%e&hat in the
!ot. $ a!!eal "ro% thirst, and disclai% its -urisdiction. Page, sue out % a!!eal in "or%. This re%nant in the botto% o" the glass
%ust "ollo& its leader. $ &as &ont hereto"ore to drink out all, but no& $ lea,e nothing. =et us not %ake too %uch haste+ it is
re(uisite &e carr all along &ith us. /eda, here are tri!es "it "or our s!ort, and, in earnest, e*cellent godebillios o" the dun o*
#ou kno&' &ith the black streak. 6, "or God's sake, let us lash the% soundl, et thri"til. 3rink, or $ &ill,--1o, no, drink, $
beseech ou #6u -e ,ous, -e ,ous !rie.'. )!arro&s &ill not eat unless ou bob the% on the tail, nor can $ drink i" $ be not "airl
s!oke to. The conca,ities o" % bod are like another /ell "or their ca!acit. =agonaedatera #lagon lateris ca,itas0 aides orcus0 and
eteros alter.'. There is not a corner, nor cone-burro& in all % bod, &here this &ine doth not "erret out % thirst. /o, this &ill
bang it soundl. But this shall banish it utterl. =et us &ind our horns b the sound o" "lagons and bottles, and cr aloud, that
&hoe,er hath lost his thirst co%e not hither to seek it. =ong clsters o" drinking are to be ,oided &ithout doors. The great God
%ade the !lanets, and &e %ake the !latters neat. $ ha,e the &ord o" the gos!el in % %outh, )itio. The stone called asbestos is not
%ore un(uenchable than the thirst o" % !aternit. A!!etite co%es &ith eating, sas Angeston, but the thirst goes a&a &ith
drinking. $ ha,e a re%ed against thirst, (uite contrar to that &hich is good against the biting o" a %ad dog. Aee! running a"ter a
dog, and he &ill ne,er bite ou+ drink al&as be"ore the thirst, and it &ill ne,er co%e u!on ou. There $ catch ou, $ a&ake ou.
Argus had a hundred ees "or his sight, a butler should ha,e #like Briareus' a hundred hands &here&ith to "ill us &ine
inde"atigabl. /e no&, lads, let us %oisten oursel,es, it &ill be ti%e to dr herea"ter. White &ine here, &ine, bos> Pour out all in
the na%e o" =uci"er, "ill here, ou, "ill and "ill #!eascods on ou' till it be "ull. M tongue !eels. =ans trin(ue+ to thee, countr%an,
$ drink to thee, good "ello&, co%rade to thee, lust, li,el> /a, la, la, that &as drunk to so%e !ur!ose, and bra,el gul!ed o,er. 6
lachr%a 4hristi, it is o" the best gra!e> $'"aith, !ure Greek, Greek> 6 the "ine &hite &ine> u!on % conscience, it is a kind o"
ta""etas &ine,--hin, hin, it is o" one ear, &ell &rought, and o" good &ool. 4ourage, co%rade, u! th heart, bill> We &ill not be
beasted at this bout, "or $ ha,e got one trick. ;* hoc in hoc. There is no enchant%ent nor char% there, e,er one o" ou hath seen
it. M '!renticeshi! is out, $ a% a "ree %an at this trade. $ a% !rester %ast #Prestre %ace, %aistre !asse.', Prish, Bru%> $ should sa,
%aster !ast. 6 the drinkers, those that are a-dr, 6 !oor thirst souls> Good !age, % "riend, "ill %e here so%e, and cro&n the
&ine, $ !ra thee. =ike a cardinal> 1atura abhorret ,acuu%. Would ou sa that a "l could drink in this2 This is a"ter the "ashion o"
)&it<erland. 4lear o"", neat, su!ernaculu%> 4o%e, there"ore, blades, to this di,ine li(uor and celestial -uice, s&ill it o,er heartil,
and s!are not> $t is a decoction o" nectar and a%brosia.
/o& Gargantua &as born in a strange %anner.
Whilst the &ere on this discourse and !leasant tattle o" drinking, Garga%elle began to be a little un&ell in her lo&er !arts+
&hereu!on Grangousier arose "ro% o"" the grass, and "ell to co%"ort her ,er honestl and kindl, sus!ecting that she &as in
tra,ail, and told her that it &as best "or her to sit do&n u!on the grass under the &illo&s, because she &as like ,er shortl to see
oung "eet, and that there"ore it &as con,enient she should !luck u! her s!irits, and take a good heart o" ne& at the "resh arri,al o"
her bab+ saing to her &ithal, that although the !ain &as so%e&hat grie,ous to her, it &ould be but o" short continuance, and that
the succeeding -o &ould (uickl re%o,e that sorro&, in such sort that she should not so %uch as re%e%ber it. 6n, &ith a shee!'s
courage> (uoth he. 3es!atch this bo, and &e &ill s!eedil "all to &ork "or the %aking o" another. /a> said she, so &ell as ou
s!eak at our o&n ease, ou that are %en> Well, then, in the na%e o" God, $'ll do % best, seeing that ou &ill ha,e it so, but &ould
to God that it &ere cut o"" "ro% ou> What2 said Grangousier. /a, said she, ou are a good %an indeed, ou understand it &ell
enough. What, % %e%ber2 said he. B the goat's blood, i" it !lease ou, that shall be done instantl+ cause bring hither a kni"e.
Alas, said she, the =ord "orbid, and !ra .esus to "orgi,e %e> $ did not sa it "ro% % heart, there"ore let it alone, and do not do it
neither %ore nor less an kind o" har% "or % s!eaking so to ou. But $ a% like to ha,e &ork enough to do to-da and all "or our
%e%ber, et God bless ou and it.
4ourage, courage, said he, take ou no care o" the %atter, let the "our "ore%ost o*en do the &ork. $ &ill et go drink one &hi""
%ore, and i" in the %ean ti%e anthing be"all ou that %a re(uire % !resence, $ &ill be so near to ou, that, at the "irst &histling
in our "ist, $ shall be &ith ou "orth&ith. A little &hile a"ter she began to groan, la%ent and cr. Then suddenl ca%e the %id&i,es
"ro% all (uarters, &ho gro!ing her belo&, "ound so%e !eloderies, &hich &as a certain "ilth stu"", and o" a taste trul bad enough.
This the thought had been the child, but it &as her "unda%ent, that &as sli!!ed out &ith the %olli"ication o" her straight entrail,
&hich ou call the bu%-gut, and that %erel b eating o" too %an tri!es, as &e ha,e sho&ed ou be"ore. Whereu!on an old ugl
trot in the co%!an, &ho had the re!ute o" an e*!ert she-!hsician, and &as co%e "ro% Brise!aille, near to )aint Genou, three
score ears be"ore, %ade her so horrible a restricti,e and binding %edicine, and &hereb all her larris, arse-!i!es, and conduits
&ere so o!!ilated, sto!!ed, obstructed, and contracted, that ou could hardl ha,e o!ened and enlarged the% &ith our teeth,
&hich is a terrible thing to think u!on+ seeing the 3e,il at the %ass at )aint Martin's &as !u<<led &ith the like task, &hen &ith his
teeth he had lengthened out the !arch%ent &hereon he &rote the tittle-tattle o" t&o oung %ang &hores. B this incon,enient the
cotledons o" her %atri* &ere !resentl loosed, through &hich the child s!rang u! and lea!ed, and so, entering into the hollo&
,ein, did cli%b b the dia!hrag% e,en abo,e her shoulders, &here the ,ein di,ides itsel" into t&o, and "ro% thence taking his &a
to&ards the le"t side, issued "orth at her le"t ear. As soon as he &as born, he cried not as other babes use to do, Mie<, %ie<, %ie<,
%ie<, but &ith a high, sturd, and big ,oice shouted about, )o%e drink, so%e drink, so%e drink, as in,iting all the &orld to drink
&ith hi%. The noise hereo" &as so e*tre%el great, that it &as heard in both the countries at once o" Beauce and Bibarois. $ doubt
%e, that ou do not thoroughl belie,e the truth o" this strange nati,it. Though ou belie,e it not, $ care not %uch0 but an honest
%an, and o" good -udg%ent, belie,eth still &hat is told hi%, and that &hich he "inds &ritten.
$s this beond our la& or our "aith--against reason or the hol )cri!ture2 For % !art, $ "ind nothing in the sacred Bible that is
against it. But tell %e, i" it had been the &ill o" God, &ould ou sa that he could not do it2 /a, "or "a,our sake, $ beseech ou,
ne,er e%berlucock or in!ulrega"i<e our s!irits &ith these ,ain thoughts and idle conceits+ "or $ tell ou, it is not i%!ossible &ith
God, and, i" he !leased, all &o%en hence"orth should bring "orth their children at the ear. Was not Bacchus engendered out o" the
,er thigh o" .u!iter2 3id not Ro(uetaillade co%e out at his %other's heel, and 4roc%oush "ro% the sli!!er o" his nurse2 Was not
Miner,a born o" the brain, e,en through the ear o" .o,e2 Adonis, o" the bark o" a %rrh tree+ and 4astor and Pollu* o" the dou!e o"
that egg &hich &as laid and hatched b =eda2 But ou &ould &onder %ore, and &ith "ar greater a%a<e%ent, i" $ should no&
!resent ou &ith that cha!ter o" Plinius, &herein he treateth o" strange births, and contrar to nature, and et a% not $ so i%!udent
a liar as he &as. Read the se,enth book o" his 1atural /istor, cha!.D, and trouble not % head an %ore about this.
A"ter &hat %anner Gargantua had his na%e gi,en hi%, and ho& he ti!!led, bibbed, and curried the can.
The good %an Grangousier, drinking and %aking %err &ith the rest, heard the horrible noise &hich his son had %ade as he
entered into the light o" this &orld, &hen he cried out, )o%e drink, so%e drink, so%e drink+ &hereu!on he said in French, Cue
grand tu as et sou!le le gousier> that is to sa, /o& great and ni%ble a throat thou hast. Which the co%!an hearing, said that
,eril the child ought to be called Gargantua+ because it &as the "irst &ord that a"ter his birth his "ather had s!oke, in i%itation, and
at the e*a%!le o" the ancient /ebre&s+ &hereunto he condescended, and his %other &as ,er &ell !leased there&ith. $n the
%ean&hile, to (uiet the child, the ga,e hi% to drink a tirelaregot, that is, till his throat &as like to crack &ith it+ then &as he
carried to the "ont, and there ba!ti<ed, according to the %anner o" good 4hristians.
$%%ediatel therea"ter &ere a!!ointed "or hi% se,enteen thousand, nine hundred, and thirteen co&s o" the to&ns o" Pautille and
Brehe%ond, to "urnish hi% &ith %ilk in ordinar, "or it &as i%!ossible to "ind a nurse su""icient "or hi% in all the countr,
considering the great (uantit o" %ilk that &as re(uisite "or his nourish%ent+ although there &ere not &anting so%e doctors o" the
o!inion o" )cotus, &ho a""ir%ed that his o&n %other ga,e hi% suck, and that she could dra& out o" her breasts one thousand, "our
hundred, t&o !i!es, and nine !ails o" %ilk at e,er ti%e.
Which indeed is not !robable, and this !oint hath been "ound duggishl scandalous and o""ensi,e to tender ears, "or that it
sa,oured a little o" heres. Thus &as he handled "or one ear and ten %onths+ a"ter &hich ti%e, b the ad,ice o" !hsicians, the
began to carr hi%, and then &as %ade "or hi% a "ine little cart dra&n &ith o*en, o" the in,ention o" .an 3enio, &herein the led
hi% hither and thither &ith great -o+ and he &as &orth the seeing, "or he &as a "ine bo, had a burl !hsiogno%, and al%ost ten
chins. /e cried ,er little, but beshit hi%sel" e,er hour0 "or, to s!eak trul o" hi%, he &as &onder"ull !hleg%atic in his
!osteriors, both b reason o" his natural co%!le*ion and the accidental dis!osition &hich had be"allen hi% b his too %uch
(ua""ing o" the )e!te%bral -uice. @et &ithout a cause did not he su! one dro!+ "or i" he ha!!ened to be ,e*ed, angr, dis!leased, or
sorr, i" he did "ret, i" he did &ee!, i" he did cr, and &hat grie,ous (uarter soe,er he ke!t, in bringing hi% so%e drink, he &ould
be instantl !aci"ied, reseated in his o&n te%!er, in a good hu%our again, and as still and (uiet as e,er. 6ne o" his go,ernesses told
%e #s&earing b her "ig', ho& he &as so accusto%ed to this kind o" &a, that, at the sound o" !ints and "lagons, he &ould on a
sudden "all into an ecstas, as i" he had then tasted o" the -os o" !aradise+ so that the, u!on consideration o" this, his di,ine
co%!le*ion, &ould e,er %orning, to cheer hi% u!, !la &ith a kni"e u!on the glasses, on the bottles &ith their sto!!les, and on
the !ottle-!ots &ith their lids and co,ers, at the sound &hereo" he beca%e ga, did lea! "or -o, &ould loll and rock hi%sel" in the
cradle, then nod &ith his head, %onochordi<ing &ith his "ingers, and bartoni<ing &ith his tail.
/o& the a!!arelled Gargantua
Being o" this age, his "ather ordained to ha,e clothes %ade to hi% in his o&n li,er, &hich &as &hite and blue. To &ork then &ent
the tailors, and &ith great e*!edition &ere those clothes %ade, cut, and se&ed, according to the "ashion that &as then in re(uest. $
"ind b the ancient records or !ancarts, to be seen in the cha%ber o" accounts, or court o" the e*che(uer at Montsoreau, that he &as
accoutred in %anner as "ollo&eth. To %ake hi% e,er shirt o" his &ere taken u! nine hundred ells o" 4hasteleraud linen, and t&o
hundred "or the gussets, in %anner o" cushions, &hich the !ut under his ar%!its. /is shirt &as not gathered nor !laited, "or the
!laiting o" shirts &as not "ound out till the sea%stresses #&hen the !oint o" their needle #Besongner du cul, ;nglished The ee o"
the needle.' &as broken' began to &ork and occu! &ith the tail. There &ere taken u! "or his doublet, eight hundred and thirteen
ells o" &hite satin, and "or his !oints "i"teen hundred and nine dogs' skins and a hal". Then &as it that %en began to tie their
breeches to their doublets, and not their doublets to their breeches0 "or it is against nature, as hath %ost a%!l been sho&ed b
6ckha% u!on the e*!onibles o" Master /aultechaussade.
For his breeches &ere taken u! ele,en hundred and "i,e ells and a third o" &hite broadcloth. The &ere cut in the "or% o" !illars,
cha%"ered, channelled and !inked behind that the %ight not o,er-heat his reins0 and &ere, &ithin the !anes, !u""ed out &ith the
lining o" as %uch blue da%ask as &as need"ul0 and re%ark, that he had ,er good leg-harness, !ro!ortionable to the rest o" his
stature.
For his cod!iece &ere used si*teen ells and a (uarter o" the sa%e cloth, and it &as "ashioned on the to! like unto a triu%!hant arch,
%ost gallantl "astened &ith t&o ena%elled clas!s, in each o" &hich &as set a great e%erald, as big as an orange+ "or, as sas
6r!heus, lib. de la!idibus, and Plinius, libro ulti%o, it hath an erecti,e ,irtue and co%"ortati,e o" the natural %e%ber. The e*iture,
out-ecting or outstanding, o" his cod!iece &as o" the length o" a ard, -agged and !inked, and &ithal bagging, and strutting out &ith
the blue da%ask lining, a"ter the %anner o" his breeches. But had ou seen the "air e%broider o" the s%all needle&ork !url, and
the curiousl interlaced knots, b the golds%ith's art set out and tri%%ed &ith rich dia%onds, !recious rubies, "ine tur(uoises,
costl e%eralds, and Persian !earls, ou &ould ha,e co%!ared it to a "air cornuco!ia, or horn o" abundance, such as ou see in
anti(ues, or as Rhea ga,e to the t&o n%!hs, A%althea and $da, the nurses o" .u!iter.
And, like to that horn o" abundance, it &as still gallant, succulent, dro!!, sa!!, !ith, li,el, al&as "lourishing, al&as
"ructi"ing, "ull o" -uice, "ull o" "lo&er, "ull o" "ruit, and all %anner o" delight. $ a,o& God, it &ould ha,e done one good to ha,e
seen hi%, but $ &ill tell ou %ore o" hi% in the book &hich $ ha,e %ade o" the dignit o" cod!ieces. 6ne thing $ &ill tell ou, that
as it &as both long and large, so &as it &ell "urnished and ,ictualled &ithin, nothing like unto the h!ocritical cod!ieces o" so%e
"ond &ooers and &ench-courtiers, &hich are stu""ed onl &ith &ind, to the great !re-udice o" the "e%ale se*.
The colours and li,eries o" Gargantua
Gargantua's colours &ere &hite and blue, as $ ha,e sho&ed ou be"ore, b &hich his "ather &ould gi,e us to understand that his
son to hi% &as a hea,enl -o+ "or the &hite did signi" gladness, !leasure, delight, and re-oicing, and the blue, celestial things. $
kno& &ell enough that, in reading this, ou laugh at the old drinker, and hold this e*!osition o" colours to be ,er e*tra,agant, and
utterl disagreeable to reason, because &hite is said to signi" "aith, and blue constanc. But &ithout %o,ing, ,e*ing, heating, or
!utting ou in a cha"e #"or the &eather is dangerous', ans&er %e, i" it !lease ou+ "or no other co%!ulsor &a o" arguing &ill $
use to&ards ou, or an else+ onl no& and then $ &ill %ention a &ord or t&o o" % bottle. What is it that induceth ou, &hat stirs
ou u! to belie,e, or &ho told ou that &hite signi"ieth "aith, and blue constanc2 An old !altr book, sa ou, sold b the
ha&king !edlars and ballad%ongers, entitled The Blason o" 4olours. Who %ade it2 Whoe,er it &as, he &as &ise in that he did not
set his na%e to it. But, besides, $ kno& not &hat $ should rather ad%ire in hi%, his !resu%!tion or his sottishness. /is !resu%!tion
and o,er&eening, "or that he should &ithout reason, &ithout cause, or &ithout an a!!earance o" truth, ha,e dared to !rescribe, b
his !ri,ate authorit, &hat things should be denotated and signi"ied b the colour0 &hich is the custo% o" trants, &ho &ill ha,e
their &ill to bear s&a in stead o" e(uit, and not o" the &ise and learned, &ho &ith the e,idence o" reason satis" their readers. /is
sottishness and &ant o" s!irit, in that he thought that, &ithout an other de%onstration or su""icient argu%ent, the &orld &ould be
!leased to %ake his blockish and ridiculous i%!ositions the rule o" their de,ices. $n e""ect, according to the !ro,erb, To a shitten
tail "ails ne,er ordure, he hath "ound, it see%s, so%e si%!le ninn in those rude ti%es o" old, &hen the &earing o" high round
bonnets &as in "ashion, &ho ga,e so%e trust to his &ritings, according to &hich the car,ed and engra,ed their a!o!htheg%s and
%ottoes, tra!!ed and ca!arisoned their %ules and su%!ter-horses, a!!arelled their !ages, (uartered their breeches, bordered their
glo,es, "ringed the curtains and ,alances o" their beds, !ainted their ensigns, co%!osed songs, and, &hich is &orse, !laced %an
deceit"ul -ugglings and un&orth base tricks undisco,eredl a%ongst the ,er chastest %atrons and %ost re,erend sciences. $n the
like darkness and %ist o" ignorance are &ra!!ed u! these ,ain-glorious courtiers and na%e-trans!osers, &ho, going about in their
i%!resas to signi" es!erance #that is, ho!e', ha,e !ortraed a s!here--and birds' !ennes "or !ains--l'ancholie #&hich is the "lo&er
colo%bine' "or %elanchol--a &aning %oon or crescent, to sho& the increasing or rising o" one's "ortune--a bench rotten and
broken, to signi" bankru!t--non and a corslet "or non dur habit #other&ise non durabit, it shall not last', un lit sans ciel, that is, a
bed &ithout a tester, "or un licencie, a graduated !erson, as bachelor in di,init or utter barrister-at-la&+ &hich are e(ui,ocals so
absurd and &itless, so barbarous and clo&nish, that a "o*'s tail should be "astened to the neck-!iece o", and a ,i<ard %ade o" a
co&sherd gi,en to e,erone that hence"orth should o""er, a"ter the restitution o" learning, to %ake use o" an such "o!!eries in
France.
B the sa%e reasons #i" reasons $ should call the%, and not ra,ings rather, and idle tri"lings about &ords', %ight $ cause !aint a
!annier, to signi" that $ a% in !ain--a %ustard-!ot, that % heart tarries %uch "or't--one !issing u!&ards "or a bisho!--the botto%
o" a !air o" breeches "or a ,essel "ull o" "art-hings--a cod!iece "or the o""ice o" the clerks o" the sentences, decrees, or -udg%ents,
or rather, as the ;nglish bears it, "or the tail o" a cod"ish--and a dog's turd "or the daint turret &herein lies the lo,e o" %
s&eetheart. Far other&ise did hereto"ore the sages o" ;g!t, &hen the &rote b letters, &hich the called hierogl!hics, &hich
none understood &ho &ere not skilled in the ,irtue, !ro!ert, and nature o" the things re!resented b the%. 6" &hich 6rus A!ollon
hath in Greek co%!osed t&o books, and Pol!hilus, in his 3rea% o" =o,e, set do&n %ore. $n France ou ha,e a taste o" the% in
the de,ice or i%!resa o" % =ord Ad%iral, &hich &as carried be"ore that ti%e b 6cta,ian Augustus. But % little ski"" alongst
these un!leasant gul"s and shoals &ill sail no "urther, there"ore %ust $ return to the !ort "ro% &hence $ ca%e. @et do $ ho!e one da
to &rite %ore at large o" these things, and to sho& both b !hiloso!hical argu%ents and authorities, recei,ed and a!!ro,ed o" b
and "ro% all anti(uit, &hat, and ho& %an colours there are in nature, and &hat %a be signi"ied b e,er one o" the%, i" God
sa,e the %ould o" % ca!, &hich is % best &ine-!ot, as % granda% said.
6" that &hich is signi"ied b the colours &hite and blue.
The &hite there"ore signi"ieth -o, solace, and gladness, and that not at rando%, but u!on -ust and ,er good grounds0 &hich ou
%a !ercei,e to be true, i" laing aside all !re-udicate a""ections, ou &ill but gi,e ear to &hat !resentl $ shall e*!ound unto ou.
Aristotle saith that, su!!osing t&o things contrar in their kind, as good and e,il, ,irtue and ,ice, heat and cold, &hite and black,
!leasure and !ain, -o and grie",--and so o" others,--i" ou cou!le the% in such %anner that the contrar o" one kind %a agree in
reason &ith the contrar o" the other, it %ust "ollo& b conse(uence that the other contrar %ust ans&er to the re%anent o!!osite
to that &here&ith it is con"erred. As, "or e*a%!le, ,irtue and ,ice are contrar in one kind, so are good and e,il. $" one o" the
contraries o" the "irst kind be consonant to one o" those o" the second, as ,irtue and goodness, "or it is clear that ,irtue is good, so
shall the other t&o contraries, &hich are e,il and ,ice, ha,e the sa%e connection, "or ,ice is e,il.
This logical rule being understood, take these t&o contraries, -o and sadness+ then these other t&o, &hite and black, "or the are
!hsicall contrar. $" so be, then, that black do signi" grie", b good reason then should &hite i%!ort -o. 1or is this signi"ication
instituted b hu%an i%!osition, but b the uni,ersal consent o" the &orld recei,ed, &hich !hiloso!hers call .us Gentiu%, the =a&
o" 1ations, or an uncontrollable right o" "orce in all countries &hatsoe,er. For ou kno& &ell enough that all !eo!le, and all
languages and nations, e*ce!t the ancient )racusans and certain Argi,es, &ho had cross and th&arting souls, &hen the %ean
out&ardl to gi,e e,idence o" their sorro&, go in black+ and all %ourning is done &ith black. Which general consent is not &ithout
so%e argu%ent and reason in nature, the &hich e,er %an %a b hi%sel" ,er suddenl co%!rehend, &ithout the instruction o"
an--and this &e call the la& o" nature. B ,irtue o" the sa%e natural instinct &e kno& that b &hite all the &orld hath understood
-o, gladness, %irth, !leasure, and delight. $n "or%er ti%es the Thracians and 4retans did %ark their good, !ro!itious, and "ortunate
das &ith &hite stones, and their sad, dis%al, and un"ortunate ones &ith black. $s not the night %ourn"ul, sad, and %elancholic2 $t
is black and dark b the !ri,ation o" light. 3oth not the light co%"ort all the &orld2 And it is %ore &hite than anthing else. Which
to !ro,e, $ could direct ou to the book o" =aurentius ?alla against Bartolus+ but an e,angelical testi%on $ ho!e &ill content ou.
Matth. :E it is said that, at the trans"iguration o" our =ord, ?esti%enta e-us "acta sunt alba sicut lu*, his a!!arel &as %ade &hite
like the light. B &hich lightso%e &hiteness he ga,e his three a!ostles to understand the idea and "igure o" the eternal -os+ "or b
the light are all %en co%"orted, according to the &ord o" the old &o%an, &ho, although she had ne,er a tooth in her head, &as
&ont to sa, Bona lu*. And Tobit, cha!.9, a"ter he had lost his sight, &hen Ra!hael saluted hi%, ans&ered, What -o can $ ha,e,
that do not see the light o" /ea,en2 $n that colour did the angels testi" the -o o" the &hole &orld at the resurrection o" our
)a,iour, .ohn 8H, and at his ascension, Acts :. With the like colour o" ,esture did )t. .ohn the ;,angelist, A!oc. F.E, see the
"aith"ul clothed in the hea,enl and blessed .erusale%.
Read the ancient, both Greek and =atin histories, and ou shall "ind that the to&n o" Alba #the "irst !attern o" Ro%e' &as "ounded
and so na%ed b reason o" a &hite so& that &as seen there. @ou shall like&ise "ind in those stories, that &hen an %an, a"ter he
had ,an(uished his ene%ies, &as b decree o" the senate to enter into Ro%e triu%!hantl, he usuall rode in a chariot dra&n b
&hite horses0 &hich in the o,ation triu%!h &as also the custo%+ "or b no sign or colour &ould the so signi"icantl e*!ress the
-o o" their co%ing as b the &hite. @ou shall there also "ind, ho& Pericles, the general o" the Athenians, &ould needs ha,e that
!art o" his ar% unto &hose lot be"ell the &hite beans, to s!end the &hole da in %irth, !leasure, and ease, &hilst the rest &ere a-
"ighting. A thousand other e*a%!les and !laces could $ allege to this !ur!ose, but that it is not here &here $ should do it.
B understanding hereo", ou %a resol,e one !roble%, &hich Ale*ander A!hrodiseus hath accounted unans&erable0 &h the
lion, &ho &ith his onl cr and roaring a""rights all beasts, dreads and "eareth onl a &hite cock2 For, as Proclus saith, =ibro de
)acri"icio et Magia, it is because the !resence o" the ,irtue o" the sun, &hich is the organ and !ro%!tuar o" all terrestrial and
sidereal light, doth %ore s%boli<e and agree &ith a &hite cock, as &ell in regard o" that colour, as o" his !ro!ert and s!eci"ical
(ualit, than &ith a lion. /e saith, "urther%ore, that de,ils ha,e been o"ten seen in the sha!e o" lions, &hich at the sight o" a &hite
cock ha,e !resentl ,anished. This is the cause &h Galli or Gallices #so are the French%en called, because the are naturall
&hite as %ilk, &hich the Greeks call Gala,' do &illingl &ear in their ca!s &hite "eathers, "or b nature the are o" a candid
dis!osition, %err, kind, gracious, and &ell-belo,ed, and "or their cogni<ance and ar%s ha,e the &hitest "lo&er o" an, the Flo&er
de luce or =il.
$" ou de%and ho&, b &hite, nature &ould ha,e us understand -o and gladness, $ ans&er, that the analog and uni"or%it is thus.
For, as the &hite doth out&ardl dis!erse and scatter the ras o" the sight, &hereb the o!tic s!irits are %ani"estl dissol,ed,
according to the o!inion o" Aristotle in his !roble%s and !ers!ecti,e treatises+ as ou %a like&ise !ercei,e b e*!erience, &hen
ou !ass o,er %ountains co,ered &ith sno&, ho& ou &ill co%!lain that ou cannot see &ell+ as Ieno!hon &rites to ha,e
ha!!ened to his %en, and as Galen ,er largel declareth, lib. :H, de usu !artiu%0 -ust so the heart &ith e*cessi,e -o is in&ardl
dilated, and su""ereth a %ani"est resolution o" the ,ital s!irits, &hich %a go so "ar on that it %a thereb be de!ri,ed o" its
nourish%ent, and b conse(uence o" li"e itsel", b this !erichar or e*tre%it o" gladness, as Galen saith, lib. :8, %ethod, lib. 9, de
locis a""ectis, and lib. 8, de s%!to%atu% causis. And as it hath co%e to !ass in "or%er ti%es, &itness Marcus Tullius, lib. :,
Cuaest. Tuscul., ?errius, Aristotle, Titus =i,ius, in his relation o" the battle o" 4annae, Plinius, lib. E, ca!. D8 and DF, A. Gellius,
lib. D, c. :9, and %an other &riters,--to 3iagoras the Rhodian, 4hilon, )o!hocles, 3ionsius the trant o" )icil, Phili!!ides,
Phile%on, Polcrates, Philistion, M. .u,enti, and others &ho died &ith -o. And as A,icen s!eaketh, in 8 canon et lib. de ,irib.
cordis, o" the sa""ron, that it doth so re-oice the heart that, i" ou take o" it e*cessi,el, it &ill b a su!er"luous resolution and
dilation de!ri,e it altogether o" li"e. /ere !eruse Ale*. A!hrodiseus, lib. :, Probl., ca!. :J, and that "or a cause. But &hat2 $t see%s
$ a% entered "urther into this !oint than $ intended at the "irst. /ere, there"ore, &ill $ strike sail, re"erring the rest to that book o"
%ine &hich handleth this %atter to the "ull. Mean&hile, in a &ord $ &ill tell ou, that blue doth certainl signi" hea,en and
hea,enl things, b the sa%e ,er tokens and s%bols that &hite signi"ieth -o and !leasure.
6" the outh"ul age o" Gargantua.
Gargantua, "ro% three ears u!&ards unto "i,e, &as brought u! and instructed in all con,enient disci!line b the co%%and%ent o"
his "ather+ and s!ent that ti%e like the other little children o" the countr, that is, in drinking, eating, and slee!ing0 in eating,
slee!ing, and drinking0 and in slee!ing, drinking, and eating. )till he &allo&ed and rolled u! and do&n hi%sel" in the %ire and
dirt--he blurred and sullied his nose &ith "ilth--he blotted and s%utched his "ace &ith an kind o" scur, stu""--he trod do&n his
shoes in the heel--at the "lies he did o"tenti%es a&n, and ran ,er heartil a"ter the butter"lies, the e%!ire &hereo" belonged to his
"ather. /e !issed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and &i!ed his nose on his slee,e--he did let his snot and sni,el "all in his !ottage,
and dabbled, !addled, and slobbered e,er&here--he &ould drink in his sli!!er, and ordinaril rub his bell against a !annier. /e
shar!ened his teeth &ith a to!, &ashed his hands &ith his broth, and co%bed his head &ith a bo&l. /e &ould sit do&n bet&i*t t&o
stools, and his arse to the ground --&ould co,er hi%sel" &ith a &et sack, and drink in eating o" his sou!. /e did eat his cake
so%eti%es &ithout bread, &ould bite in laughing, and laugh in biting. 6"tenti%es did he s!it in the basin, and "art "or "atness, !iss
against the sun, and hide hi%sel" in the &ater "or "ear o" rain. /e &ould strike out o" the cold iron, be o"ten in the du%!s, and "rig
and &riggle it. /e &ould "la the "o*, sa the a!e's !aternoster, return to his shee!, and turn the hogs to the ha. /e &ould beat the
dogs be"ore the lion, !ut the !lough be"ore the o*en, and cla& &here it did not itch. /e &ould !u%! one to dra& so%e&hat out o"
hi%, b gri!ing all &ould hold "ast nothing, and al&as eat his &hite bread "irst. /e shoed the geese, ke!t a sel"-tickling to %ake
hi%sel" laugh, and &as ,er steadable in the kitchen0 %ade a %ock at the gods, &ould cause sing Magni"icat at %atins, and "ound
it ,er con,enient so to do. /e &ould eat cabbage, and shite beets,--kne& "lies in a dish o" %ilk, and &ould %ake the% lose their
"eet. /e &ould scra!e !a!er, blur !arch%ent, then run a&a as hard as he could. /e &ould !ull at the kid's leather, or ,o%it u! his
dinner, then reckon &ithout his host. /e &ould beat the bushes &ithout catching the birds, thought the %oon &as %ade o" green
cheese, and that bladders are lanterns. 6ut o" one sack he &ould take t&o %oultures or "ees "or grinding+ &ould act the ass's !art to
get so%e bran, and o" his "ist &ould %ake a %allet. /e took the cranes at the "irst lea!, and &ould ha,e the %ail-coats to be %ade
link a"ter link. /e al&as looked a gi,en horse in the %outh, lea!ed "ro% the cock to the ass, and !ut one ri!e bet&een t&o green.
B robbing Peter he !aid Paul, he ke!t the %oon "ro% the &ol,es, and ho!ed to catch larks i" e,er the hea,ens should "all. /e did
%ake o" necessit ,irtue, o" such bread such !ottage, and cared as little "or the !eeled as "or the sha,en. ;,er %orning he did cast
u! his gorge, and his "ather's little dogs eat out o" the dish &ith hi%, and he &ith the%. /e &ould bite their ears, and the &ould
scratch his nose--he &ould blo& in their arses, and the &ould lick his cha!s.
But hearken, good "ello&s, the s!igot ill betake ou, and &hirl round our brains, i" ou do not gi,e ear> This little lecher &as
al&as gro!ing his nurses and go,ernesses, u!side do&n, arsi,ers, to!stur,, harri bourri(uet, &ith a @acco haick, hck gio>
handling the% ,er rudel in -u%bling and tu%bling the% to kee! the% going+ "or he had alread begun to e*ercise the tools, and
!ut his cod!iece in !ractice. Which cod!iece, or braguette, his go,ernesses did e,er da deck u! and adorn &ith "air nosegas,
curious rubies, s&eet "lo&ers, and "ine silken tu"ts, and ,er !leasantl &ould !ass their ti%e in taking ou kno& &hat bet&een
their "ingers, and dandling it, till it did re,i,e and cree! u! to the bulk and sti""ness o" a su!!ositor, or street %agdaleon, &hich is
a hard rolled-u! sal,e s!read u!on leather. Then did the burst out in laughing, &hen the sa& it li"t u! its ears, as i" the s!ort had
liked the%. 6ne o" the% &ould call it her little dille, her sta"" o" lo,e, her (uillet, her "aucetin, her dandiloll. Another, her !een,
her -oll kle, her bableret, her %e%bretoon, her (uickset i%!0 another again, her branch o" coral, her "e%ale ada%ant, her !lacket-
racket, her 4!rian sce!tre, her -e&el "or ladies. And so%e o" the other &o%en &ould gi,e it these na%es,--% bunguetee, %
sto!!le too, % bush-rusher, % gallant &i%ble, % !rett borer, % cone-burro&-"erret, % little !iercer, % augretine, %
dangling hangers, do&n right to it, sti"" and stout, in and to, % !usher, dresser, !outing stick, % hone !i!e, % !rett !illicock,
link !ink, "utilletie, % lust andouille, and cri%son chitterling, % little couille bredouille, % !rett rogue, and so "orth. $t
belongs to %e, said one. $t is %ine, said the other. What, (uoth a third, shall $ ha,e no share in it2 B % "aith, $ &ill cut it then.
/a, to cut it, said the other, &ould hurt hi%. Mada%, do ou cut little children's things2 Were his cut o"", he &ould be then
Monsieur sans (ueue, the curtailed %aster. And that he %ight !la and s!ort hi%sel" a"ter the %anner o" the other little children o"
the countr, the %ade hi% a "air &eather &hirl--ack o" the &ings o" the &ind%ill o" Mrebalais.
6" Gargantua's &ooden horses.
A"ter&ards, that he %ight be all his li"eti%e a good rider, the %ade to hi% a "air great horse o" &ood, &hich he did %ake lea!,
cur,et, -erk out behind, and ski! "or&ard, all at a ti%e0 to !ace, trot, rack, gallo!, a%ble, to !la the hobb, the hackne-gelding0 go
the gait o" the ca%el, and o" the &ild ass. /e %ade hi% also change his colour o" hair, as the %onks o" 4oultibo #according to the
,ariet o" their holidas' use to do their clothes, "ro% ba bro&n, to sorrel, da!!le-gre, %ouse-dun, deer-colour, roan, co&-colour,
gingioline, ske&ed colour, !iebald, and the colour o" the sa,age elk.
/i%sel" o" a huge big !ost %ade a hunting nag, and another "or dail ser,ice o" the bea% o" a ,ine!ress0 and o" a great oak %ade
u! a %ule, &ith a "ootcloth, "or his cha%ber. Besides this, he had ten or t&el,e s!are horses, and se,en horses "or !ost+ and all
these &ere lodged in his o&n cha%ber, close b his bedside. 6ne da the =ord o" Breadinbag #Painensac.' ca%e to ,isit his "ather
in great bra,er, and &ith a gallant train0 and, at the sa%e ti%e, to see hi% ca%e like&ise the 3uke o" Free%eal #Francre!as.' and
the ;arl o" Wetgullet #Mouille,ent.'. The house trul "or so %an guests at once &as so%e&hat narro&, but es!eciall the stables+
&hereu!on the ste&ard and harbinger o" the said =ord Breadinbag, to kno& i" there &ere an other e%!t stable in the house,
ca%e to Gargantua, a little oung lad, and secretl asked hi% &here the stables o" the great horses &ere, thinking that children
&ould be read to tell all. Then he led the% u! along the stairs o" the castle, !assing b the second hall unto a broad great galler,
b &hich the entered into a large to&er, and as the &ere going u! at another !air o" stairs, said the harbinger to the ste&ard, This
child decei,es us, "or the stables are ne,er on the to! o" the house. @ou %a be %istaken, said the ste&ard, "or $ kno& so%e !laces
at =ons, at the Bas%ette, at 4haisnon, and else&here, &hich ha,e their stables at the ,er to!s o" the houses0 so it %a be that
behind the house there is a &a to co%e to this ascent. But $ &ill (uestion &ith hi% "urther. Then said he to Gargantua, M !rett
little bo, &hither do ou lead us2 To the stable, said he, o" % great horses. We are al%ost co%e to it+ &e ha,e but these stairs to
go u! at. Then leading the% alongst another great hall, he brought the% into his cha%ber, and, o!ening the door, said unto the%,
This is the stable ou ask "or+ this is % -ennet+ this is % gelding+ this is % courser, and this is % hackne, and laid on the%
&ith a great le,er. $ &ill besto& u!on ou, said he, this Friesland horse+ $ had hi% "ro% Frank"ort, et &ill $ gi,e hi% ou+ "or he is
a !rett little nag, and &ill go ,er &ell, &ith a tessel o" gosha&ks, hal" a do<en o" s!aniels, and a brace o" grehounds0 thus are
ou king o" the hares and !artridges "or all this &inter. B )t. .ohn, said the, no& &e are !aid, he hath gleeked us to so%e
!ur!ose, bobbed &e are no& "or e,er. $ den it, said he,--he &as not here abo,e three das. .udge ou no&, &hether the had %ost
cause, either to hide their heads "or sha%e, or to laugh at the -est. As the &ere going do&n again thus a%a<ed, he asked the%, Will
ou ha,e a &hi%&ha% #Aubeliere.'2 What is that, said the2 $t is, said he, "i,e turds to %ake ou a %u<<le. To-da, said the
ste&ard, though &e ha!!en to be roasted, &e shall not be burnt, "or &e are !rett &ell (ui!!ed and larded, in % o!inion. 6 %
-oll da!!er bo, thou hast gi,en us a gudgeon+ $ ho!e to see thee Po!e be"ore $ die. $ think so, said he, %sel"+ and then shall ou
be a !u!!, and this gentle !o!in-a a !er"ect !a!elard, that is, disse%bler. Well, &ell, said the harbinger. But, said Gargantua,
guess ho& %an stitches there are in % %other's s%ock. )i*teen, (uoth the harbinger. @ou do not s!eak gos!el, said Gargantua,
"or there is cent be"ore, and cent behind, and ou did not reckon the% ill, considering the t&o under holes. When2 said the
harbinger. ;,en then, said Gargantua, &hen the %ade a sho,el o" our nose to take u! a (uarter o" dirt, and o" our throat a
"unnel, &here&ith to !ut it into another ,essel, because the botto% o" the old one &as out. 4ocksbod, said the ste&ard, &e ha,e
%et &ith a !rater. Fare&ell, %aster tattler, God kee! ou, so goodl are the &ords &hich ou co%e out &ith, and so "resh in our
%outh, that it had need to be salted.
Thus going do&n in great haste, under the arch o" the stairs the let "all the great le,er, &hich he had !ut u!on their backs+
&hereu!on Gargantua said, What a de,il> ou are, it see%s, but bad horse%en, that su""er our bilder to "ail ou &hen ou need
hi% %ost. $" ou &ere to go "ro% hence to 4ahusac, &hether had ou rather, ride on a gosling or lead a so& in a leash2 $ had rather
drink, said the harbinger. With this the entered into the lo&er hall, &here the co%!an &as, and relating to the% this ne& stor,
the %ade the% laugh like a s&ar% o" "lies.
/o& Gargantua's &onder"ul understanding beca%e kno&n to his "ather Grangousier, b the in,ention o" a torchecul or
&i!ebreech.
About the end o" the "i"th ear, Grangousier returning "ro% the con(uest o" the 4anarians, &ent b the &a to see his son
Gargantua. There &as he "illed &ith -o, as such a "ather %ight be at the sight o" such a child o" his0 and &hilst he kissed and
e%braced hi%, he asked %an childish (uestions o" hi% about di,ers %atters, and drank ,er "reel &ith hi% and &ith his
go,ernesses, o" &ho% in great earnest he asked, a%ongst other things, &hether the had been care"ul to kee! hi% clean and s&eet.
To this Gargantua ans&ered, that he had taken such a course "or that hi%sel", that in all the countr there &as not to be "ound a
cleanlier bo than he. /o& is that2 said Grangousier. $ ha,e, ans&ered Gargantua, b a long and curious e*!erience, "ound out a
%eans to &i!e % bu%, the %ost lordl, the %ost e*cellent, and the %ost con,enient that e,er &as seen. What is that2 said
Grangousier, ho& is it2 $ &ill tell ou b-and-b, said Gargantua. 6nce $ did &i!e %e &ith a gentle-&o%an's ,el,et %ask, and
"ound it to be good+ "or the so"tness o" the silk &as ,er ,olu!tuous and !leasant to % "unda%ent. Another ti%e &ith one o" their
hoods, and in like %anner that &as co%"ortable. At another ti%e &ith a lad's neckerchie", and a"ter that $ &i!ed %e &ith so%e
ear-!ieces o" hers %ade o" cri%son satin, but there &as such a nu%ber o" golden s!angles in the% #turd round things, a !o* take
the%' that the "etched a&a all the skin o" % tail &ith a ,engeance. 1o& $ &ish )t. Anton's "ire burn the bu%-gut o" the
golds%ith that %ade the%, and o" her that &ore the%> This hurt $ cured b &i!ing %sel" &ith a !age's ca!, garnished &ith a
"eather a"ter the )&it<ers' "ashion.
A"ter&ards, in dunging behind a bush, $ "ound a March-cat, and &ith it $ &i!ed % breech, but her cla&s &ere so shar! that the
scratched and e*ulcerated all % !erinee. 6" this $ reco,ered the ne*t %orning therea"ter, b &i!ing %sel" &ith % %other's
glo,es, o" a %ost e*cellent !er"u%e and scent o" the Arabian Benin. A"ter that $ &i!ed %e &ith sage, &ith "ennel, &ith anet, &ith
%ar-ora%, &ith roses, &ith gourd-lea,es, &ith beets, &ith cole&ort, &ith lea,es o" the ,ine-tree, &ith %allo&s, &ool-blade, &hich
is a tail-scarlet, &ith lettuce, and &ith s!inach lea,es. All this did ,er great good to % leg. Then &ith %ercur, &ith !arsle, &ith
nettles, &ith co%"re, but that ga,e %e the blood "lu* o" =o%bard, &hich $ healed b &i!ing %e &ith % braguette. Then $
&i!ed % tail in the sheets, in the co,erlet, in the curtains, &ith a cushion, &ith arras hangings, &ith a green car!et, &ith a table-
cloth, &ith a na!kin, &ith a handkerchie", &ith a co%bing-cloth+ in all &hich $ "ound %ore !leasure than do the %ang dogs &hen
ou rub the%. @ea, but, said Grangousier, &hich torchecul did ou "ind to be the best2 $ &as co%ing to it, said Gargantua, and b-
and-b shall ou hear the tu aute%, and kno& the &hole %ster and knot o" the %atter. $ &i!ed %sel" &ith ha, &ith stra&, &ith
thatch-rushes, &ith "la*, &ith &ool, &ith !a!er, but,
Who his "oul tail &ith !a!er &i!es,
)hall at his ballocks lea,e so%e chi!s.
What, said Grangousier, % little rogue, hast thou been at the !ot, that thou dost rh%e alread2 @es, es, % lord the king,
ans&ered Gargantua, $ can rh%e gallantl, and rh%e till $ beco%e hoarse &ith rheu%. /ark, &hat our !ri, sas to the skiters0
)hittard,
)(uirtard,
4rackard,
Turdous,
Th bung
/ath "lung
)o%e dung
6n us0
Filthard,
4ackard,
)tinkard,
)t. Anton's "ire sei<e on th toane #bone2',
$" th
3irt
3ounb
Thou do not &i!e, ere thou be gone.
Will ou ha,e an %ore o" it2 @es, es, ans&ered Grangousier. Then, said Gargantua,
A Roundela.
$n shitting es'da $ did kno&
The sess $ to % arse did o&e0
The s%ell &as such ca%e "ro% that slunk,
That $ &as &ith it all bestunk0
6 had but then so%e bra,e )ignor
Brought her to %e $ &aited "or,
$n shitting>
$ &ould ha,e cle"t her &aterga!,
And -oin'd it close to % "li!"la!,
Whilst she had &ith her "ingers guarded
M "oul nockandro&, all be%erded
$n shitting.
1o& sa that $ can do nothing> B the Merdi, the are not o" % %aking, but $ heard the% o" this good old granda%, that ou see
here, and e,er since ha,e retained the% in the budget o" % %e%or.
=et us return to our !ur!ose, said Grangousier. What, said Gargantua, to skite2 1o, said Grangousier, but to &i!e our tail. But, said
Gargantua, &ill not ou be content to !a a !uncheon o" Breton &ine, i" $ do not blank and gra,el ou in this %atter, and !ut ou to
a non-!lus2 @es, trul, said Grangousier.
There is no need o" &i!ing one's tail, said Gargantua, but &hen it is "oul+ "oul it cannot be, unless one ha,e been a-skiting+ skite
then &e %ust be"ore &e &i!e our tails. 6 % !rett little &aggish bo, said Grangousier, &hat an e*cellent &it thou hast2 $ &ill
%ake thee ,er shortl !roceed doctor in the -o,ial (uirks o" ga learning, and that, b G--, "or thou hast %ore &it than age. 1o&, $
!rithee, go on in this torcheculati,e, or &i!e-bu%%ator discourse, and b % beard $ s&ear, "or one !uncheon, thou shalt ha,e
threescore !i!es, $ %ean o" the good Breton &ine, not that &hich gro&s in Britain, but in the good countr o" ?erron. A"ter&ards $
&i!ed % bu%, said Gargantua, &ith a kerchie", &ith a !illo&, &ith a !antou"le, &ith a !ouch, &ith a !annier, but that &as a
&icked and un!leasant torchecul+ then &ith a hat. 6" hats, note that so%e are shorn, and others shagg, so%e ,el,eted, others
co,ered &ith ta""eties, and others &ith satin. The best o" all these is the shagg hat, "or it %akes a ,er neat abstersion o" the "ecal
%atter.
A"ter&ards $ &i!ed % tail &ith a hen, &ith a cock, &ith a !ullet, &ith a cal"'s skin, &ith a hare, &ith a !igeon, &ith a cor%orant,
&ith an attorne's bag, &ith a %ontero, &ith a coi", &ith a "alconer's lure. But, to conclude, $ sa and %aintain, that o" all
torcheculs, arse&is!s, bu%"odders, tail-na!kins, bunghole cleansers, and &i!e-breeches, there is none in the &orld co%!arable to
the neck o" a goose, that is &ell do&ned, i" ou hold her head bet&i*t our legs. And belie,e %e therein u!on %ine honour, "or ou
&ill thereb "eel in our nockhole a %ost &onder"ul !leasure, both in regard o" the so"tness o" the said do&n and o" the te%!orate
heat o" the goose, &hich is easil co%%unicated to the bu%-gut and the rest o" the in&ards, in so "ar as to co%e e,en to the regions
o" the heart and brains. And think not that the "elicit o" the heroes and de%igods in the ;lsian "ields consisteth either in their
as!hodel, a%brosia, or nectar, as our old &o%en here used to sa+ but in this, according to % -udg%ent, that the &i!e their tails
&ith the neck o" a goose, holding her head bet&i*t their legs, and such is the o!inion o" Master .ohn o" )cotland, alias )cotus.
/o& Gargantua &as taught =atin b a )o!hister
The good %an Grangousier ha,ing heard this discourse, &as ra,ished &ith ad%iration, considering the high reach and %ar,ellous
understanding o" his son Gargantua, and said to his go,ernesses, Phili!, king o" Macedon, kne& the great &it o" his son Ale*ander
b his skil"ul %anaging o" a horse+ "or his horse Buce!halus &as so "ierce and unrul that none durst ad,enture to ride hi%, a"ter
that he had gi,en to his riders such de,ilish "alls, breaking the neck o" this %an, the other %an's leg, braining one, and !utting
another out o" his -a&bone. This b Ale*ander being considered, one da in the hi!!odro%e #&hich &as a !lace a!!ointed "or the
breaking and %anaging o" great horses', he !ercei,ed that the "ur o" the horse !roceeded %erel "ro% the "ear he had o" his o&n
shado&, &hereu!on getting on his back, he run hi% against the sun, so that the shado& "ell behind, and b that %eans ta%ed the
horse and brought hi% to his hand. Whereb his "ather, kno&ing the di,ine -udg%ent that &as in hi%, caused hi% %ost care"ull to
be instructed b Aristotle, &ho at that ti%e &as highl reno&ned abo,e all the !hiloso!hers o" Greece. A"ter the sa%e %anner $ tell
ou, that b this onl discourse, &hich no& $ ha,e here had be"ore ou &ith % son Gargantua, $ kno& that his understanding doth
!artici!ate o" so%e di,init, and that, i" he be &ell taught, and ha,e that education &hich is "itting, he &ill attain to a su!re%e
degree o" &isdo%. There"ore &ill $ co%%it hi% to so%e learned %an, to ha,e hi% indoctrinated according to his ca!acit, and &ill
s!are no cost. Presentl the a!!ointed hi% a great so!hister-doctor, called Master Tubal /olo"ernes, &ho taught hi% his AB4 so
&ell, that he could sa it b heart back&ards+ and about this he &as "i,e ears and three %onths. Then read he to hi% 3onat, =e
Facet, Theodolet, and Alanus in !arabolis. About this he &as thirteen ears, si* %onths, and t&o &eeks. But ou %ust re%ark that
in the %ean ti%e he did learn to &rite in Gothic characters, and that he &rote all his books--"or the art o" !rinting &as not then in
use--and did ordinaril carr a great !en and inkhorn, &eighing about se,en thousand (uintals #that is, EHH,HHH !ound &eight', the
!enner &hereo" &as as big and as long as the great !illars o" ;na, and the horn &as hanging to it in great iron chains, it being o"
the &ideness o" a tun o" %erchant &are. A"ter that he read unto hi% the book de %odis signi"icandi, &ith the co%%entaries o"
/urtbise, o" Fas(uin, o" Tro!dieu*, o" Gualhaut, o" .ohn 4al", o" Billonio, o" Berlinguandus, and a rabble o" others+ and herein he
s!ent %ore than eighteen ears and ele,en %onths, and &as so &ell ,ersed in it that, to tr %asteries in school dis!utes &ith his
condisci!les, he &ould recite it b heart back&ards, and did so%eti%es !ro,e on his "inger-ends to his %other, (uod de %odis
signi"icandi non erat scientia. Then did he read to hi% the co%!ost "or kno&ing the age o" the %oon, the seasons o" the ear, and
tides o" the sea, on &hich he s!ent si*teen ears and t&o %onths, and that -ustl at the ti%e that his said !rece!tor died o" the
French !o*, &hich &as in the ear one thousand "our hundred and t&ent. A"ter&ards he got an old coughing "ello& to teach hi%,
na%ed Master .obelin Bride, or %u<<led dolt, &ho read unto hi% /ugutio, /ebrard#'s' Grecis%, the 3octrinal, the Parts, the Cuid
est, the )u!!le%entu%, Mar%otretus, 3e %oribus in %ensa ser,andis, )eneca de (uatuor ,irtutibus cardinalibus, Passa,antus cu%
co%%ento, and 3or%i secure "or the holidas, and so%e other o" such like %eal stu"", b reading &hereo" he beca%e as &ise as
an &e e,er since baked in an o,en.
/o& Gargantua &as !ut under other school%asters
At the last his "ather !ercei,ed that indeed he studied hard, and that, although he s!ent all his ti%e in it, he did ne,ertheless !ro"it
nothing, but &hich is &orse, gre& thereb "oolish, si%!le, doted, and blockish, &hereo" %aking a hea, regret to 3on Phili! o"
Maras, ?icero or 3e!ute Aing o" Pa!eligosse, he "ound that it &ere better "or hi% to learn nothing at all, than to be taught such-
like books, under such school%asters+ because their kno&ledge &as nothing but brutishness, and their &isdo% but blunt "o!!ish
tos, ser,ing onl to bastardi<e good and noble s!irits, and to corru!t all the "lo&er o" outh. That it is so, take, said he, an oung
bo o" this ti%e &ho hath onl studied t&o ears,--i" he ha,e not a better -udg%ent, a better discourse, and that e*!ressed in better
ter%s than our son, &ith a co%!leter carriage and ci,ilit to all %anner o" !ersons, account %e "or e,er herea"ter a ,er clounch
and bacon-slicer o" Brene. This !leased Grangousier ,er &ell, and he co%%anded that it should be done. At night at su!!er, the
said 3es Maras brought in a oung !age o" his, o" ?ille-gouges, called ;ude%on, so neat, so tri%, so handso%e in his a!!arel, so
s!ruce, &ith his hair in so good order, and so s&eet and co%el in his beha,iour, that he had the rese%blance o" a little angel %ore
than o" a hu%an creature. Then he said to Grangousier, 3o ou see this oung bo2 /e is not as et "ull t&el,e ears old. =et us
tr, i" it !lease ou, &hat di""erence there is bet&i*t the kno&ledge o" the doting Mateologians o" old ti%e and the oung lads that
are no&. The trial !leased Grangousier, and he co%%anded the !age to begin. Then ;ude%on, asking lea,e o" the ,ice-king his
%aster so to do, &ith his ca! in his hand, a clear and o!en countenance, beauti"ul and rudd li!s, his ees stead, and his looks
"i*ed u!on Gargantua &ith a outh"ul %odest, standing u! straight on his "eet, began ,er grace"ull to co%%end hi%+ "irst, "or
his ,irtue and good %anners+ secondl, "or his kno&ledge, thirdl, "or his nobilit+ "ourthl, "or his bodil acco%!lish%ents+ and,
in the "i"th !lace, %ost s&eetl e*horted hi% to re,erence his "ather &ith all due obser,anc, &ho &as so care"ul to ha,e hi% &ell
brought u!. $n the end he !raed hi%, that he &ould ,ouchsa"e to ad%it o" hi% a%ongst the least o" his ser,ants+ "or other "a,our at
that ti%e desired he none o" hea,en, but that he %ight do hi% so%e grate"ul and acce!table ser,ice. All this &as b hi% deli,ered
&ith such !ro!er gestures, such distinct !ronunciation, so !leasant a deli,er, in such e*(uisite "ine ter%s, and so good =atin, that
he see%ed rather a Gracchus, a 4icero, an Ae%ilius o" the ti%e !ast, than a outh o" this age. But all the countenance that
Gargantua ke!t &as, that he "ell to cring like a co&, and cast do&n his "ace, hiding it &ith his ca!, nor could the !ossibl dra&
one &ord "ro% hi%, no %ore than a "art "ro% a dead ass. Whereat his "ather &as so grie,ousl ,e*ed that he &ould ha,e killed
Master .obelin, but the said 3es Maras &ithheld hi% "ro% it b "air !ersuasions, so that at length he !aci"ied his &rath. Then
Grangousier co%%anded he should be !aid his &ages, that the should &hittle hi% u! soundl, like a so!hister, &ith good drink,
and then gi,e hi% lea,e to go to all the de,ils in hell. At least, said he, toda shall it not cost his host %uch i" b chance he should
die as drunk as a )&it<er. Master .obelin being gone out o" the house, Grangousier consulted &ith the ?icero &hat school%aster
the should choose "or hi%, and it &as bet&i*t the% resol,ed that Ponocrates, the tutor o" ;ude%on, should ha,e the charge, and
that the should go altogether to Paris, to kno& &hat &as the stud o" the oung %en o" France at that ti%e.
/o& Gargantua &as sent to Paris, and o" the huge great %are that he rode on+ ho& she destroed the o*"lies o" the Beauce
$n the sa%e season Faoles, the "ourth Aing o" 1u%idia, sent out o" the countr o" A"rica to Grangousier the %ost hideousl great
%are that e,er &as seen, and o" the strangest "or%, "or ou kno& &ell enough ho& it is said that A"rica al&as is !roducti,e o"
so%e ne& thing. )he &as as big as si* ele!hants, and had her "eet clo,en into "ingers, like .ulius 4aesar's horse, &ith slouch-
hanging ears, like the goats in =anguedoc, and a little horn on her buttock. )he &as o" a burnt sorrel hue, &ith a little %i*ture o"
da!!le-gre s!ots, but abo,e all she had a horrible tail+ "or it &as little %ore or less than e,er &hit as great as the stee!le-!illar o"
)t. Mark beside =anges0 and s(uared as that is, &ith tu""s and ennicroches or hair-!laits &rought &ithin one another, no other&ise
than as the beards are u!on the ears o" corn.
$" ou &onder at this, &onder rather at the tails o" the )cthian ra%s, &hich &eighed abo,e thirt !ounds each+ and o" the )urian
shee!, &ho need, i" Tenaud sa true, a little cart at their heels to bear u! their tail, it is so long and hea,. @ou "e%ale lechers in the
!lain countries ha,e no such tails. And she &as brought b sea in three carricks and a brigantine unto the harbour o" 6lone in
Thal%ondois. When Grangousier sa& her, /ere is, said he, &hat is "it to carr % son to Paris. )o no&, in the na%e o" God, all &ill
be &ell. /e &ill in ti%es co%ing be a great scholar. $" it &ere not, % %asters, "or the beasts, &e should li,e like clerks. The ne*t
%orning--a"ter the had drunk, ou %ust understand--the took their -ourne+ Gargantua, his !edagogue Ponocrates, and his train,
and &ith the% ;ude%on, the oung !age. And because the &eather &as "air and te%!erate, his "ather caused to be %ade "or hi% a
!air o" dun boots,--Babin calls the% buskins. Thus did the %erril !ass their ti%e in tra,elling on their high &a, al&as %aking
good cheer, and &ere ,er !leasant till the ca%e a little abo,e 6rleans, in &hich !lace there &as a "orest o" "i,e-and-thirt leagues
long, and se,enteen in breadth, or thereabouts. This "orest &as %ost horribl "ertile and co!ious in dor"lies, hornets, and &as!s, so
that it &as a ,er !urgator "or the !oor %ares, asses, and horses. But Gargantua's %are did a,enge hersel" handso%el o" all the
outrages therein co%%itted u!on beasts o" her kind, and that b a trick &hereo" the had no sus!icion. For as soon as e,er the
&ere entered into the said "orest, and that the &as!s had gi,en the assault, she dre& out and unsheathed her tail, and there&ith
skir%ishing, did so s&ee! the% that she o,erthre& all the &ood alongst and ath&art, here and there, this &a and that &a,
long&ise and side&ise, o,er and under, and "elled e,er&here the &ood &ith as %uch ease as a %o&er doth the grass, in such sort
that ne,er since hath there been there neither &ood nor dor"lies0 "or all the countr &as thereb reduced to a !lain cha%!aign "ield.
Which Gargantua took great !leasure to behold, and said to his co%!an no %ore but this0 .e trou,e beau ce #$ "ind this !rett'+
&hereu!on that countr hath been e,er since that ti%e called Beauce. But all the break"ast the %are got that da &as but a little
a&ning and ga!ing, in %e%or &hereo" the gentle%en o" Beauce do as et to this da break their "ast &ith ga!ing, &hich the
"ind to be ,er good, and do s!it the better "or it. At last the ca%e to Paris, &here Gargantua re"reshed hi%sel" t&o or three das,
%aking ,er %err &ith his "olks, and in(uiring &hat %en o" learning there &ere then in the cit, and &hat &ine the drunk there.
/o& Gargantua !aid his &elco%e to the Parisians, and ho& he took a&a the great bells o" 6ur =ad's 4hurch
)o%e "e& das a"ter that the had re"reshed the%sel,es, he &ent to see the cit, and &as beheld o" e,erbod there &ith great
ad%iration+ "or the !eo!le o" Paris are so sottish, so badot, so "oolish and "ond b nature, that a -uggler, a carrier o" indulgences, a
su%!ter-horse, or %ule &ith c%bals or tinkling bells, a blind "iddler in the %iddle o" a cross lane, shall dra& a greater con"luence
o" !eo!le together than an e,angelical !reacher. And the !ressed so hard u!on hi% that he &as constrained to rest hi%sel" u!on
the to&ers o" 6ur =ad's 4hurch. At &hich !lace, seeing so %an about hi%, he said &ith a loud ,oice, $ belie,e that these
bu<<ards &ill ha,e %e to !a the% here % &elco%e hither, and % Pro"iciat. $t is but good reason. $ &ill no& gi,e the% their
&ine, but it shall be onl in s!ort. Then s%iling, he untied his "air braguette, and dra&ing out his %entul into the o!en air, he so
bitterl all-to-be!issed the%, that he dro&ned t&o hundred and si*t thousand, "our hundred and eighteen, besides the &o%en and
little children. )o%e, ne,ertheless, o" the co%!an esca!ed this !iss-"lood b %ere s!eed o" "oot, &ho, &hen the &ere at the
higher end o" the uni,ersit, s&eating, coughing, s!itting, and out o" breath, the began to s&ear and curse, so%e in good hot
earnest, and others in -est. 4ari%ari, cari%ara0 golnol, golnolo. B % s&eet )anctess, &e are &ashed in s!ort, a s!ort trul to
laugh at+--in French, Par ris, "or &hich that cit hath been e,er since called Paris+ &hose na%e "or%erl &as =eucotia, as )trabo
testi"ieth, lib. (uarto, "ro% the Greek &ord leukotes, &hiteness,--because o" the &hite thighs o" the ladies o" that !lace. And
"oras%uch as, at this i%!osition o" a ne& na%e, all the !eo!le that &ere there s&ore e,erone b the )ancts o" his !arish, the
Parisians, &hich are !atched u! o" all nations and all !ieces o" countries, are b nature both good -urors and good -urists, and
so%e&hat o,er&eening+ &hereu!on .oanninus de Barrauco, libro de co!iositate re,erentiaru%, thinks that the are called Parisians
"ro% the Greek &ord !arresia, &hich signi"ies boldness and libert in s!eech. This done, he considered the great bells, &hich &ere
in the said to&ers, and %ade the% sound ,er har%oniousl. Which &hilst he &as doing, it ca%e into his %ind that the &ould
ser,e ,er &ell "or tingling tantans and ringing ca%!anels to hang about his %are's neck &hen she should be sent back to his
"ather, as he intended to do, loaded &ith Brie cheese and "resh herring. And indeed he "orth&ith carried the% to his lodging. $n the
%ean&hile there ca%e a %aster beggar o" the "riars o" )t. Anthon to de%and in his canting &a the usual bene,olence o" so%e
hoggish stu"", &ho, that he %ight be heard a"ar o"", and to %ake the bacon he &as in (uest o" shake in the ,er chi%nes, %ade
account to "ilch the% a&a !ri,il. 1e,ertheless, he le"t the% behind ,er honestl, not "or that the &ere too hot, but that the
&ere so%e&hat too hea, "or his carriage. This &as not he o" Bourg, "or he &as too good a "riend o" %ine. All the cit &as risen
u! in sedition, the being, as ou kno&, u!on an slight occasion, so read to u!roars and insurrections, that "oreign nations
&onder at the !atience o" the kings o" France, &ho do not b good -ustice restrain the% "ro% such tu%ultuous courses, seeing the
%ani"old incon,eniences &hich thence arise "ro% da to da. Would to God $ kne& the sho! &herein are "orged these di,isions
and "actious co%binations, that $ %ight bring the% to light in the con"raternities o" % !arish> Belie,e "or a truth, that the !lace
&herein the !eo!le gathered together, &ere thus sul!hured, ho!ur%ated, %oiled, and be!issed, &as called 1esle, &here then &as,
but no& is no %ore, the oracle o" =eucotia. There &as the case !ro!osed, and the incon,enience sho&ed o" the trans!orting o" the
bells. A"ter the had &ell ergoted !ro and con, the concluded in barali!ton, that the should send the oldest and %ost su""icient o"
the "acult unto Gargantua, to signi" unto hi% the great and horrible !re-udice the sustain b the &ant o" those bells. And
not&ithstanding the good reasons gi,en in b so%e o" the uni,ersit &h this charge &as "itter "or an orator than a so!hister, there
&as chosen "or this !ur!ose our Master .anotus de Brag%ardo.
/o& .anotus de Brag%ardo &as sent to Gargantua to reco,er the great bells
Master .anotus, &ith his hair cut round like a dish a la 4aesarine, in his %ost anti(ue accoutre%ent liri!i!ionated &ith a graduate's
hood, and ha,ing su""icientl antidoted his sto%ach &ith o,en-%ar%alades, that is, bread and hol &ater o" the cellar, trans!orted
hi%sel" to the lodging o" Gargantua, dri,ing be"ore hi% three red-%u<<led beadles, and dragging a"ter hi% "i,e or si* artless
%asters, all thoroughl bedaggled &ith the %ire o" the streets. At their entr Ponocrates %et the%, &ho &as a"raid, seeing the% so
disguised, and thought the had been so%e %as(uers out o" their &its, &hich %o,ed hi% to in(uire o" one o" the said artless
%asters o" the co%!an &hat this %u%%er %eant. $t &as ans&ered hi%, that the desired to ha,e their bells restored to the%. As
soon as Ponocrates heard that, he ran in all haste to carr the ne&s unto Gargantua, that he %ight be read to ans&er the%, and
s!eedil resol,e &hat &as to be done. Gargantua being ad,ertised hereo", called a!art his school%aster Ponocrates, Philoti%us,
ste&ard o" his house, G%nastes, his es(uire, and ;ude%on, and ,er su%%aril con"erred &ith the%, both o" &hat he should do
and &hat ans&er he should gi,e. The &ere all o" o!inion that the should bring the% unto the goblet-o""ice, &hich is the butter,
and there %ake the% drink like rosters and line their -ackets soundl. And that this cougher %ight not be !u""ed u! &ith ,ain-
glor b thinking the bells &ere restored at his re(uest, the sent, &hilst he &as cho!ining and !ling the !ot, "or the %aor o" the
cit, the rector o" the "acult, and the ,icar o" the church, unto &ho% the resol,ed to deli,er the bells be"ore the so!hister had
!ro!ounded his co%%ission. A"ter that, in their hearing, he should !ronounce his gallant oration, &hich &as done+ and the being
co%e, the so!hister &as brought in "ull hall, and began as "ollo&eth, in coughing.
The oration o" Master .anotus de Brag%ardo "or reco,er o" the bells
/e%, he%, gud-da, sirs, gud-da. ;t ,obis, % %asters. $t &ere but reason that ou should restore to us our bells+ "or &e ha,e
great need o" the%. /e%, he%, aih"uhash. We ha,e o"tenti%es hereto"ore re"used good %one "or the% o" those o" =ondon in
4ahors, ea and those o" Bourdeau* in Brie, &ho &ould ha,e bought the% "or the substanti"ic (ualit o" the ele%entar
co%!le*ion, &hich is introni"icated in the terrestreit o" their (uidditati,e nature, to e*tranei<e the blasting %ists and &hirl&inds
u!on our ,ines, indeed not ours, but these round about us. For i" &e lose the !iot and li(uor o" the gra!e, &e lose all, both sense
and la&. $" ou restore the% unto us at % re(uest, $ shall gain b it si* basket"uls o" sausages and a "ine !air o" breeches, &hich
&ill do % legs a great deal o" good, or else the &ill not kee! their !ro%ise to %e. /o b gob, 3o%ine, a !air o" breeches is good,
et ,ir sa!iens non abhorrebit ea%. /a, ha, a !air o" breeches is not so easil got+ $ ha,e e*!erience o" it %sel". 4onsider, 3o%ine,
$ ha,e been these eighteen das in %atagraboli<ing this bra,e s!eech. Reddite (uae sunt 4aesaris, 4aesari, et (uae sunt 3ei, 3eo.
$bi -acet le!us. B % "aith, 3o%ine, i" ou &ill su! &ith %e in ca%eris, b co* bod, charitatis, nos "acie%us bonu% cherubin.
;go occiditunu% !orcu%, et ego habet bonu% ,ino0 but o" good &ine &e cannot %ake bad =atin. Well, de !arte 3ei date nobis
bellas nostras. /old, $ gi,e ou in the na%e o" the "acult a )er%ones de Btino, that utina% ou &ould gi,e us our bells. ?ultis
etia% !ardonos2 Per die% ,os habebitis, et nihil !aabitis. 6, sir, 3o%ine, bellagi,a%inor nobis+ ,eril, est bonu% ,obis. The are
use"ul to e,erbod. $" the "it our %are &ell, so do the do our "acult+ (uae co%!arata est -u%entis insi!ientibus, et si%ilis "acta
est eis, Psal%o nescio (uo. @et did $ (uote it in % note-book, et est unu% bonu% Achilles, a good de"ending argu%ent. /e%, he%,
he%, haikhash> For $ !ro,e unto ou, that ou should gi,e %e the%. ;go sic argu%entor. 6%nis bella bellabilis in bellerio
bellando, bellans, bellati,o, bellare "acit, bellabiliter bellantes. Parisius habet bellas. ;rgo gluc, /a, ha, ha. This is s!oken to so%e
!ur!ose. $t is in tertio !ri%ae, in 3arii, or else&here. B % soul, $ ha,e seen the ti%e that $ could !la the de,il in arguing, but
no& $ a% %uch "ailed, and hence"or&ard &ant nothing but a cu! o" good &ine, a good bed, % back to the "ire, % bell to the
table, and a good dee! dish. /ei, 3o%ine, $ beseech ou, in no%ine Patris, Filii, et )!iritus sancti, A%en, to restore unto us our
bells0 and God kee! ou "ro% e,il, and our =ad "ro% health, (ui ,i,it et regnat !er o%nia secula seculoru%, A%en. /e%,
hashchehha&ksash, (<rchre%he%hash. ?eru% eni% ,ero, (uando(uide%, dubio !rocul. ;de!ol, (uonia%, ita certe, %edius "idius+
a to&n &ithout bells is like a blind %an &ithout a sta"", an ass &ithout a cru!!er, and a co& &ithout c%bals. There"ore be assured,
until ou ha,e restored the% unto us, &e &ill ne,er lea,e cring a"ter ou, like a blind %an that hath lost his sta"", braing like an
ass &ithout a cru!!er, and %aking a noise like a co& &ithout c%bals. A certain latinisator, d&elling near the hos!ital, said since,
!roducing the authorit o" one Ta!onnus,--$ lie, it &as one Pontanus the secular !oet, --&ho &ished those bells had been %ade o"
"eathers, and the cla!!er o" a "o*tail, to the end the %ight ha,e begot a chronicle in the bo&els o" his brain, &hen he &as about
the co%!osing o" his car%ini"or%al lines. But nac !etetin !etetac, tic, torche lorgne, or rot ki!i!ur ki!i!ot !ut !antse %al", he &as
declared an heretic. We %ake the% as o" &a*. And no %ore saith the de!onent. ?alete et !laudite. 4ale!inus recensui.
/o& the )o!hister carried a&a his cloth, and ho& he had a suit in la& against the other %asters
The so!hister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and ;ude%on burst out in a laughing so heartil, that the had al%ost s!lit &ith
it, and gi,en u! the ghost, in rendering their souls to God0 e,en -ust as 4rassus did, seeing a lubberl ass eat thistles+ and as
Phile%on, &ho, "or seeing an ass eat those "igs &hich &ere !ro,ided "or his o&n dinner, died &ith "orce o" laughing. Together &ith
the% Master .anotus "ell a-laughing too as "ast as he could, in &hich %ood o" laughing the continued so long, that their ees did
&ater b the ,ehe%ent concussion o" the substance o" the brain, b &hich these lachr%al hu%idities, being !ressed out, glided
through the o!tic ner,es, and so to the "ull re!resented 3e%ocritus /eracliti<ing and /eraclitus 3e%ocriti<ing.
When the had done laughing, Gargantua consulted &ith the !ri%e o" his retinue &hat should be done. There Ponocrates &as o"
o!inion that the should %ake this "air orator drink again+ and seeing he had sho&ed the% %ore !asti%e, and %ade the% laugh
%ore than a natural soul could ha,e done, that the should gi,e hi% ten baskets "ull o" sausages, %entioned in his !leasant s!eech,
&ith a !air o" hose, three hundred great billets o" log&ood, "i,e-and-t&ent hogsheads o" &ine, a good large do&n-bed, and a dee!
ca!acious dish, &hich he said &ere necessar "or his old age. All this &as done as the did a!!oint0 onl Gargantua, doubting that
the could not (uickl "ind out breeches "it "or his &earing, because he kne& not &hat "ashion &ould best beco%e the said orator,
&hether the %artingale "ashion o" breeches, &herein is a s!unghole &ith a dra&bridge "or the %ore eas caguing0 or the "ashion o"
the %ariners, "or the greater solace and co%"ort o" his kidnes0 or that o" the )&it<ers, &hich kee!s &ar% the bedondaine or bell-
tabret0 or round breeches &ith straight cannions, ha,ing in the seat a !iece like a cod's tail, "or "ear o" o,er-heating his reins0--all
&hich considered, he caused to be gi,en hi% se,en ells o" &hite cloth "or the linings. The &ood &as carried b the !orters, the
%asters o" arts carried the sausages and the dishes, and Master .anotus hi%sel" &ould carr the cloth. 6ne o" the said %asters,
called .ousse Bandouille, sho&ed hi% that it &as not see%l nor decent "or one o" his condition to do so, and that there"ore he
should deli,er it to one o" the%. /a, said .anotus, baudet, baudet, or blockhead, blockhead, thou dost not conclude in %odo et
"igura. For lo, to this end ser,e the su!!ositions and !ar,a logicalia. Pannus, !ro (uo su!!onit2 4on"use, said Bandouille, et
distributi,e. $ do not ask thee, said .anotus, blockhead, (uo%odo su!!onit, but !ro (uo2 $t is, blockhead, !ro tibiis %eis, and
there"ore $ &ill carr it, ;go%et, sicut su!!ositu% !ortat a!!ositu%. )o did he carr it a&a ,er close and co,ertl, as Patelin the
bu""oon did his cloth. The best &as, that &hen this cougher, in a "ull act or asse%bl held at the Mathurins, had &ith great
con"idence re(uired his breeches and sausages, and that the &ere "latl denied hi%, because he had the% o" Gargantua, according
to the in"or%ations thereu!on %ade, he sho&ed the% that this &as gratis, and out o" his liberalit, b &hich the &ere not in an
sort (uit o" their !ro%ises. 1ot&ithstanding this, it &as ans&ered hi% that he should be content &ith reason, &ithout e*!ectation o"
an other bribe there. Reason2 said .anotus. We use none o" it here. Bnluck traitors, ou are not &orth the hanging. The earth
beareth not %ore arrant ,illains than ou are. $ kno& it &ell enough+ halt not be"ore the la%e. $ ha,e !ractised &ickedness &ith
ou. B God's rattle, $ &ill in"or% the king o" the enor%ous abuses that are "orged here and carried underhand b ou, and let %e
be a le!er, i" he do not burn ou ali,e like sodo%ites, traitors, heretics and seducers, ene%ies to God and ,irtue.
B!on these &ords the "ra%ed articles against hi%0 he on the other side &arned the% to a!!ear. $n su%, the !rocess &as retained
b the court, and is there as et. /ereu!on the %agisters %ade a ,o& ne,er to decrott the%sel,es in rubbing o"" the dirt o" either
their shoes or clothes0 Master .anotus &ith his adherents ,o&ed ne,er to blo& or snu"" their noses, until -udg%ent &ere gi,en b a
de"initi,e sentence.
B these ,o&s do the continue unto this ti%e both dirt and snott+ "or the court hath not garbled, si"ted, and "ull looked into all
the !ieces as et. The -udg%ent or decree shall be gi,en out and !ronounced at the ne*t Greek kalends, that is, ne,er. As ou kno&
that the do %ore than nature, and contrar to their o&n articles. The articles o" Paris %aintain that to God alone belongs in"init,
and nature !roduceth nothing that is i%%ortal+ "or she !utteth an end and !eriod to all things b her engendered, according to the
saing, 6%nia orta cadunt, 5c. But these thick %ist-s&allo&ers %ake the suits in la& de!ending be"ore the% both in"inite and
i%%ortal. $n doing &hereo", the ha,e gi,en occasion to, and ,eri"ied the saing o" 4hilo the =acedae%onian, consecrated to the
oracle at 3el!hos, that %iser is the inse!arable co%!anion o" la&-debates+ and that !leaders are %iserable+ "or sooner shall the
attain to the end o" their li,es, than to the "inal decision o" their !retended rights.
The stud o" Gargantua, according to the disci!line o" his school%asters the )o!histers
The "irst da being thus s!ent, and the bells !ut u! again in their o&n !lace, the citi<ens o" Paris, in ackno&ledg%ent o" this
courtes, o""ered to %aintain and "eed his %are as long as he !leased, &hich Gargantua took in good !art, and the sent her to
gra<e in the "orest o" Biere. $ think she is not there no&. This done, he &ith all his heart sub%itted his stud to the discretion o"
Ponocrates+ &ho "or the beginning a!!ointed that he should do as he &as accusto%ed, to the end he %ight understand b &hat
%eans, in so long ti%e, his old %asters had %ade hi% so sottish and ignorant. /e dis!osed there"ore o" his ti%e in such "ashion,
that ordinaril he did a&ake bet&i*t eight and nine o'clock, &hether it &as da or not, "or so had his ancient go,ernors ordained,
alleging that &hich 3a,id saith, ?anu% est ,obis ante luce% surgere. Then did he tu%ble and toss, &ag his legs, and &allo& in the
bed so%e ti%e, the better to stir u! and rouse his ,ital s!irits, and a!!arelled hi%sel" according to the season0 but &illingl he
&ould &ear a great long go&n o" thick "rie<e, "urred &ith "o*-skins. A"ter&ards he co%bed his head &ith an Al%ain co%b, &hich
is the "our "ingers and the thu%b. For his !rece!tor said that to co%b hi%sel" other&ise, to &ash and %ake hi%sel" neat, &as to
lose ti%e in this &orld. Then he dunged, !issed, s!e&ed, belched, cracked, a&ned, s!itted, coughed, e*ed, snee<ed and snotted
hi%sel" like an archdeacon, and, to su!!ress the de& and bad air, &ent to break"ast, ha,ing so%e good "ried tri!es, "air rashers on
the coals, e*cellent ga%%ons o" bacon, store o" "ine %inced %eat, and a great deal o" si!!et bre&is, %ade u! o" the "at o" the bee"-
!ot, laid u!on bread, cheese, and cho!!ed !arsle stre&ed together. Ponocrates sho&ed hi% that he ought not to eat so soon a"ter
rising out o" his bed, unless he had !er"or%ed so%e e*ercise be"orehand. Gargantua ans&ered, What> ha,e not $ su""icientl &ell
e*ercised %sel"2 $ ha,e &allo&ed and rolled %sel" si* or se,en turns in % bed be"ore $ rose. $s not that enough2 Po!e
Ale*ander did so, b the ad,ice o" a .e& his !hsician, and li,ed till his ding da in des!ite o" his ene%ies. M "irst %asters ha,e
used %e to it, saing that to break"ast %ade a good %e%or, and there"ore the drank "irst. $ a% ,er &ell a"ter it, and dine but the
better. And Master Tubal, &ho &as the "irst licenciate at Paris, told %e that it &as not enough to run a!ace, but to set "orth beti%es0
so doth not the total &el"are o" our hu%anit de!end u!on !er!etual drinking in a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking earl in
the %orning+ unde ,ersus,
To rise beti%es is no good hour,
To drink beti%es is better sure.
A"ter that he had thoroughl broke his "ast, he &ent to church, and the carried to hi%, in a great basket, a huge i%!antou"led or
thick-co,ered bre,iar, &eighing, &hat in grease, clas!s, !arch%ent and co,er, little %ore or less than ele,en hundred and si*
!ounds. There he heard si*-and-t&ent or thirt %asses. This &hile, to the sa%e !lace ca%e his orison-%utterer i%!aletocked, or
la!!ed u! about the chin like a tu"ted &hoo!, and his breath !rett &ell antidoted &ith store o" the ,ine-tree-sru!. With hi% he
%u%bled all his kiriels and dunsical breborions, &hich he so curiousl thu%bed and "ingered, that there "ell not so %uch as one
grain to the ground. As he &ent "ro% the church, the brought hi%, u!on a dra dra&n &ith o*en, a con"used hea! o" !aternosters
and a,es o" )t. 4laude, e,er one o" the% being o" the bigness o" a hat-block+ and thus &alking through the cloisters, galleries, or
garden, he said %ore in turning the% o,er than si*teen her%its &ould ha,e done. Then did he stud so%e !altr hal"-hour &ith his
ees "i*ed u!on his book+ but, as the co%ic saith, his %ind &as in the kitchen. Pissing then a "ull urinal, he sat do&n at table+ and
because he &as naturall !hleg%atic, he began his %eal &ith so%e do<ens o" ga%%ons, dried neat's tongues, hard roes o" %ullet,
called botargos, andouilles or sausages, and such other "orerunners o" &ine. $n the %ean&hile, "our o" his "olks did cast into his
%outh one a"ter another continuall %ustard b &hole sho,el"uls. $%%ediatel a"ter that, he drank a horrible draught o" &hite
&ine "or the ease o" his kidnes. When that &as done, he ate according to the season %eat agreeable to his a!!etite, and then le"t
o"" eating &hen his bell began to strout, and &as like to crack "or "ulness. As "or his drinking, he had in that neither end nor rule.
For he &as &ont to sa, That the li%its and bounds o" drinking &ere, &hen the cork o" the shoes o" hi% that drinketh s&elleth u!
hal" a "oot high.
The ga%es o" Gargantua
Then blockishl %u%bling &ith a set on countenance a !iece o" scur, grace, he &ashed his hands in "resh &ine, !icked his teeth
&ith the "oot o" a hog, and talked -o,iall &ith his attendants. Then the car!et being s!read, the brought !lent o" cards, %an
dice, &ith great store and abundance o" che(uers and chessboards.
There he !laed.
At "lush. At lo,e.
At !ri%ero. At the chess.
At the beast. At Renard the "o*.
At the ri"le. At the s(uares.
At tru%!. At the co&s.
At the !rick and s!are not. At the lotter.
At the hundred. At the chance or %u%chance.
At the !een. At three dice or %aniest bleaks.
At the un"ortunate &o%an. At the tables.
At the "ib. At ni,ini,inack.
At the !ass ten. At the lurch.
At one-and-thirt. At doublets or (ueen's ga%e.
At !ost and !air, or e,en and At the "ail.
se(uence. At the French trictrac.
At three hundred. At the long tables or "erkeering.
At the unluck %an. At "eldo&n.
At the last cou!le in hell. At tod's bod.
At the hock. At needs %ust.
At the surl. At the da%es or draughts.
At the lans(uenet. At bob and %o&.
At the cuckoo. At !ri%us secundus.
At !u"", or let hi% s!eak that At %ark-kni"e.
hath it. At the kes.
At take nothing and thro& out. At s!an-counter.
At the %arriage. At e,en or odd.
At the "rolic or -ackda&. At cross or !ile.
At the o!inion. At ball and huckle-bones.
At &ho doth the one, doth the At i,or balls.
other. At the billiards.
At the se(uences. At bob and hit.
At the i,or bundles. At the o&l.
At the tarots. At the char%ing o" the hare.
At losing load hi%. At !ull et a little.
At he's gulled and esto. At trudge!ig.
At the torture. At the %agata!ies.
At the handru"". At the horn.
At the click. At the "lo&ered or )hro,etide o*.
At honours. At the %adge-o&let.
At !inch &ithout laughing. At tilt at &eek.
At !rickle %e tickle %e. At nine!ins.
At the unshoeing o" the ass. At the cock (uintin.
At the cocksess. At ti! and hurl.
At hari hohi. At the "lat bo&ls.
At $ set %e do&n. At the ,eer and turn.
At earl beard. At rogue and ru""ian.
At the old %ode. At bu%batch touch.
At dra& the s!it. At the %sterious trough.
At !ut out. At the short bo&ls.
At gossi! lend %e our sack. At the da!!le-gre.
At the ra%cod ball. At cock and crank it.
At thrust out the harlot. At break-!ot.
At Marseilles "igs. At % desire.
At nickna%r. At t&irl &hirltrill.
At stick and hole. At the rush bundles.
At boke or hi%, or "laing the "o*. At the short sta"".
At the branching it. At the &hirling gig.
At trill %ada%, or gra!!le % lad. At hide and seek, or are ou all
At the cat selling. hid2
At blo& the coal. At the !icket.
At the re-&edding. At the blank.
At the (uick and dead -udge. At the !il"erers.
At uno,en the iron. At the ca,eson.
At the "alse clo&n. At !rison bars.
At the "lints, or at the nine stones.At ha,e at the nuts.
At to the crutch hulch back. At cherr-!it.
At the )anct is "ound. At rub and rice.
At hinch, !inch and laugh not. At &hi!to!.
At the leek. At the casting to!.
At bu%dockdousse. At the hobgoblins.
At the loose gig. At the 6 &onder"ul.
At the hoo!. At the soil s%utch.
At the so&. At "ast and loose.
At bell to bell. At scutchbreech.
At the dales or straths. At the broo%-beso%.
At the t&igs. At )t. 4os%e, $ co%e to adore
At the (uoits. thee.
At $'% "or that. At the lust bro&n bo.
At $ take ou na!!ing. At greed glutton.
At "air and so"tl !asseth =ent. At the %orris dance.
At the "orked oak. At "eeb.
At truss. At the &hole "risk and ga%bol.
At the &ol"'s tail. At battabu%, or riding o" the
At bu% to buss, or nose in breech. &ild %are.
At Geordie, gi,e %e % lance. At /ind the !lough%an.
At s&agg, &agg or shoggshou. At the good %a&kin.
At stook and rook, shear and At the dead beast.
threa,e. At cli%b the ladder, Bill.
At the birch. At the ding hog.
At the %uss. At the salt dou!.
At the dill dill darling. At the !rett !igeon.
At o* %oud. At barle break.
At !ur!ose in !ur!ose. At the ba,ine.
At nine less. At the bush lea!.
At blind-%an-bu"". At crossing.
At the "allen bridges. At bo-!ee!.
At bridled nick. At the hardit arse!urs.
At the &hite at butts. At the harro&er's nest.
At th&ack s&inge hi%. At "or&ard he.
At a!!le, !ear, !lu%. At the "ig.
At %u%gi. At gunshot crack.
At the toad. At %ustard !eel.
At cricket. At the go%e.
At the !ounding stick. At the rela!se.
At -ack and the bo*. At -og breech, or !rick hi%
At the (ueens. "or&ard.
At the trades. At knock!ate.
At heads and !oints. At the 4ornish c#h'ough.
At the ,ine-tree hug. At the crane-dance.
At black be th "all. At slash and cut.
At ho the dista"". At bobbing, or "lirt on the
At .oan Tho%son. nose.
At the bolting cloth. At the larks.
At the oat's seed. At "illi!!ing.
A"ter he had thus &ell !laed, re,elled, !ast and s!ent his ti%e, it &as thought "it to drink a little, and that &as ele,en glass"uls the
%an, and, i%%ediatel a"ter %aking good cheer again, he &ould stretch hi%sel" u!on a "air bench, or a good large bed, and there
slee! t&o or three hours together, &ithout thinking or s!eaking an hurt. A"ter he &as a&akened he &ould shake his ears a little. $n
the %ean ti%e the brought hi% "resh &ine. There he drank better than e,er. Ponocrates sho&ed hi% that it &as an ill diet to drink
so a"ter slee!ing. $t is, ans&ered Gargantua, the ,er li"e o" the !atriarchs and hol "athers+ "or naturall $ slee! salt, and % slee!
hath been to %e in stead o" so %an ga%%ons o" bacon. Then began he to stud a little, and out ca%e the !aternosters or rosar o"
beads, &hich the better and %ore "or%all to des!atch, he got u!on an old %ule, &hich had ser,ed nine kings, and so %u%bling
&ith his %outh, nodding and doddling his head, &ould go see a cone "erreted or caught in a gin. At his return he &ent into the
kitchen to kno& &hat roast %eat &as on the s!it, and &hat other&ise &as to be dressed "or su!!er. And su!!ed ,er &ell, u!on %
conscience, and co%%onl did in,ite so%e o" his neighbours that &ere good drinkers, &ith &ho% carousing and drinking %erril,
the told stories o" all sorts "ro% the old to the ne&. A%ongst others he had "or do%estics the =ords o" Fou, o" Gour,ille, o"
Griniot, and o" Marign. A"ter su!!er &ere brought in u!on the !lace the "air &ooden gos!els and the books o" the "our kings, that
is to sa, %an !airs o" tables and cards--or the "air "lush, one, t&o, three--or at all, to %ake short &ork+ or else the &ent to see the
&enches thereabouts, &ith little s%all ban(uets, inter%i*ed &ith collations and rear-su!!ers. Then did he slee!, &ithout unbridling,
until eight o'clock in the ne*t %orning.
/o& Gargantua &as instructed b Ponocrates, and in such sort disci!linated, that he lost not one hour o" the da
When Ponocrates kne& Gargantua's ,icious %anner o" li,ing, he resol,ed to bring hi% u! in another kind+ but "or a &hile he bore
&ith hi%, considering that nature cannot endure a sudden change, &ithout great ,iolence. There"ore, to begin his &ork the better,
he re(uested a learned !hsician o" that ti%e, called Master Theodorus, seriousl to !er!end, i" it &ere !ossible, ho& to bring
Gargantua into a better course. The said !hsician !urged hi% canonicall &ith Anticrian hellebore, b &hich %edicine he
cleansed all the alteration and !er,erse habitude o" his brain. B this %eans also Ponocrates %ade hi% "orget all that he had
learned under his ancient !rece!tors, as Ti%otheus did to his disci!les, &ho had been instructed under other %usicians. To do this
the better, the brought hi% into the co%!an o" learned %en, &hich &ere there, in &hose i%itation he had a great desire and
a""ection to stud other&ise, and to i%!ro,e his !arts. A"ter&ards he !ut hi%sel" into such a road and &a o" studing, that he lost
not an one hour in the da, but e%!loed all his ti%e in learning and honest kno&ledge. Gargantua a&aked, then, about "our
o'clock in the %orning. Whilst the &ere in rubbing o" hi%, there &as read unto hi% so%e cha!ter o" the hol )cri!ture aloud and
clearl, &ith a !ronunciation "it "or the %atter, and hereunto &as a!!ointed a oung !age born in Basche, na%ed Anagnostes.
According to the !ur!ose and argu%ent o" that lesson, he o"tenti%es ga,e hi%sel" to &orshi!, adore, !ra, and send u! his
su!!lications to that good God, &hose Word did sho& his %a-est and %ar,ellous -udg%ent. Then &ent he unto the secret !laces
to %ake e*cretion o" his natural digestions. There his %aster re!eated &hat had been read, e*!ounding unto hi% the %ost obscure
and di""icult !oints. $n returning, the considered the "ace o" the sk, i" it &as such as the had obser,ed it the night be"ore, and
into &hat signs the sun &as entering, as also the %oon "or that da. This done, he &as a!!arelled, co%bed, curled, tri%%ed, and
!er"u%ed, during &hich ti%e the re!eated to hi% the lessons o" the da be"ore. /e hi%sel" said the% b heart, and u!on the%
&ould ground so%e !ractical cases concerning the estate o" %an, &hich he &ould !rosecute so%eti%es t&o or three hours, but
ordinaril the ceased as soon as he &as "ull clothed. Then "or three good hours he had a lecture read unto hi%. This done the
&ent "orth, still con"erring o" the substance o" the lecture, either unto a "ield near the uni,ersit called the Brack, or unto the
%eado&s, &here the !laed at the ball, the long-tennis, and at the !iletrigone #&hich is a !la &herein &e thro& a triangular !iece
o" iron at a ring, to !ass it', %ost gallantl e*ercising their bodies, as "or%erl the had done their %inds. All their !la &as but in
libert, "or the le"t o"" &hen the !leased, and that &as co%%onl &hen the did s&eat o,er all their bod, or &ere other&ise
&ear. Then &ere the ,er &ell &i!ed and rubbed, shi"ted their shirts, and, &alking soberl, &ent to see i" dinner &as read.
Whilst the staed "or that, the did clearl and elo(uentl !ronounce so%e sentences that the had retained o" the lecture. $n the
%eanti%e Master A!!etite ca%e, and then ,er orderl sat the do&n at table. At the beginning o" the %eal there &as read so%e
!leasant histor o" the &arlike actions o" "or%er ti%es, until he had taken a glass o" &ine. Then, i" the thought good, the
continued reading, or began to discourse %erril together+ s!eaking "irst o" the ,irtue, !ro!riet, e""icac, and nature o" all that &as
ser,ed in at the table+ o" bread, o" &ine, o" &ater, o" salt, o" "leshes, "ishes, "ruits, herbs, roots, and o" their dressing. B %eans
&hereo" he learned in a little ti%e all the !assages co%!etent "or this that &ere to be "ound in Plin, Athenaeus, 3ioscorides, .ulius
Pollu*, Galen, Por!hr, 6!!ian, Polbius, /eliodore, Aristotle, Aelian, and others. Whilst the talked o" these things, %an
ti%es, to be the %ore certain, the caused the ,er books to be brought to the table, and so &ell and !er"ectl did he in his %e%or
retain the things abo,e said, that in that ti%e there &as not a !hsician that kne& hal" so %uch as he did. A"ter&ards the con"erred
o" the lessons read in the %orning, and, ending their re!ast &ith so%e conser,e or %ar%alade o" (uinces, he !icked his teeth &ith
%astic tooth-!ickers, &ashed his hands and ees &ith "air "resh &ater, and ga,e thanks unto God in so%e "ine canti(ues, %ade in
!raise o" the di,ine bount and %uni"icence. This done, the brought in cards, not to !la, but to learn a thousand !rett tricks and
ne& in,entions, &hich &ere all grounded u!on arith%etic. B this %eans he "ell in lo,e &ith that nu%erical science, and e,er da
a"ter dinner and su!!er he !assed his ti%e in it as !leasantl as he &as &ont to do at cards and dice+ so that at last he understood so
&ell both the theor and !ractical !art thereo", that Tunstall the ;nglish%an, &ho had &ritten ,er largel o" that !ur!ose,
con"essed that ,eril in co%!arison o" hi% he had no skill at all. And not onl in that, but in the other %athe%atical sciences, as
geo%etr, astrono%, %usic, 5c. For in &aiting on the concoction and attending the digestion o" his "ood, the %ade a thousand
!rett instru%ents and geo%etrical "igures, and did in so%e %easure !ractise the astrono%ical canons.
A"ter this the recreated the%sel,es &ith singing %usicall, in "our or "i,e !arts, or u!on a set the%e or ground at rando%, as it
best !leased the%. $n %atter o" %usical instru%ents, he learned to !la u!on the lute, the ,irginals, the har!, the Al%ain "lute &ith
nine holes, the ,iol, and the sackbut. This hour thus s!ent, and digestion "inished, he did !urge his bod o" natural e*cre%ents, then
betook hi%sel" to his !rinci!al stud "or three hours together, or %ore, as &ell to re!eat his %atutinal lectures as to !roceed in the
book &herein he &as, as also to &rite handso%el, to dra& and "or% the anti(ue and Ro%an letters. This being done, the &ent out
o" their house, and &ith the% a oung gentle%an o" Touraine, na%ed the ;s(uire G%nast, &ho taught hi% the art o" riding.
4hanging then his clothes, he rode a 1a!les courser, a 3utch roussin, a )!anish -ennet, a barded or tra!!ed steed, then a light "leet
horse, unto &ho% he ga,e a hundred carieres, %ade hi% go the high saults, bounding in the air, "ree the ditch &ith a ski!, lea! o,er
a stile or !ale, turn short in a ring both to the right and le"t hand. There he broke not his lance+ "or it is the greatest "ooler in the
&orld to sa, $ ha,e broken ten lances at tilts or in "ight. A car!enter can do e,en as %uch. But it is a glorious and !raise-&orth
action &ith one lance to break and o,erthro& ten ene%ies. There"ore, &ith a shar!, sti"", strong, and &ell-steeled lance &ould he
usuall "orce u! a door, !ierce a harness, beat do&n a tree, carr a&a the ring, li"t u! a cuirassier saddle, &ith the %ail-coat and
gauntlet. All this he did in co%!lete ar%s "ro% head to "oot. As "or the !rancing "lourishes and s%acking !o!is%s "or the better
cherishing o" the horse, co%%onl used in riding, none did the% better than he. The ca,alleri<e o" Ferrara &as but as an a!e
co%!ared to hi%. /e &as singularl skil"ul in lea!ing ni%bl "ro% one horse to another &ithout !utting "oot to ground, and these
horses &ere called desultories. /e could like&ise "ro% either side, &ith a lance in his hand, lea! on horseback &ithout stirru!s, and
rule the horse at his !leasure &ithout a bridle, "or such things are use"ul in %ilitar engage%ents. Another da he e*ercised the
battle-a*e, &hich he so de*terousl &ielded, both in the ni%ble, strong, and s%ooth %anage%ent o" that &ea!on, and that in all the
"eats !racticable b it, that he !assed knight o" ar%s in the "ield, and at all essas.
Then tossed he the !ike, !laed &ith the t&o-handed s&ord, &ith the backs&ord, &ith the )!anish tuck, the dagger, !oniard,
ar%ed, unar%ed, &ith a buckler, &ith a cloak, &ith a target. Then &ould he hunt the hart, the roebuck, the bear, the "allo& deer, the
&ild boar, the hare, the !heasant, the !artridge, and the bustard. /e !laed at the balloon, and %ade it bound in the air, both &ith
"ist and "oot. /e &restled, ran, -u%!ed--not at three ste!s and a lea!, called the ho!s, nor at cloche!ied, called the hare's lea!, nor
et at the Al%ains+ "or, said G%nast, these -u%!s are "or the &ars altogether un!ro"itable, and o" no use--but at one lea! he &ould
ski! o,er a ditch, s!ring o,er a hedge, %ount si* !aces u!on a &all, ra%! and gra!!le a"ter this "ashion u! against a &indo& o" the
"ull height o" a lance. /e did s&i% in dee! &aters on his bell, on his back, side&as, &ith all his bod, &ith his "eet onl, &ith one
hand in the air, &herein he held a book, crossing thus the breadth o" the ri,er o" )eine &ithout &etting it, and dragged along his
cloak &ith his teeth, as did .ulius 4aesar+ then &ith the hel! o" one hand he entered "orcibl into a boat, "ro% &hence he cast
hi%sel" again headlong into the &ater, sounded the de!ths, hollo&ed the rocks, and !lunged into the !its and gul"s. Then turned he
the boat about, go,erned it, led it s&i"tl or slo&l &ith the strea% and against the strea%, sto!!ed it in his course, guided it &ith
one hand, and &ith the other laid hard about hi% &ith a huge great oar, hoisted the sail, hied u! along the %ast b the shrouds, ran
u!on the edge o" the decks, set the co%!ass in order, tackled the bo&lines, and steered the hel%. 4o%ing out o" the &ater, he ran
"uriousl u! against a hill, and &ith the sa%e alacrit and s&i"tness ran do&n again. /e cli%bed u! at trees like a cat, and lea!ed
"ro% the one to the other like a s(uirrel. /e did !ull do&n the great boughs and branches like another Milo+ then &ith t&o shar!
&ell-steeled daggers and t&o tried bodkins &ould he run u! b the &all to the ,er to! o" a house like a rat+ then suddenl ca%e
do&n "ro% the to! to the botto%, &ith such an e,en co%!osition o" %e%bers that b the "all he &ould catch no har%.
/e did cast the dart, thro& the bar, !ut the stone, !ractise the -a,elin, the boar-s!ear or !artisan, and the halbert. /e broke the
strongest bo&s in dra&ing, bended against his breast the greatest crossbo&s o" steel, took his ai% b the ee &ith the hand-gun,
and shot &ell, tra,ersed and !lanted the cannon, shot at butt-%arks, at the !a!ga "ro% belo& u!&ards, or to a height "ro% abo,e
do&n&ards, or to a descent+ then be"ore hi%, side&as, and behind hi%, like the Parthians. The tied a cable-ro!e to the to! o" a
high to&er, b one end &hereo" hanging near the ground he &rought hi%sel" &ith his hands to the ,er to!+ then u!on the sa%e
track ca%e do&n so sturdil and "ir% that ou could not on a !lain %eado& ha,e run &ith %ore assurance. The set u! a great !ole
"i*ed u!on t&o trees. There &ould he hang b his hands, and &ith the% alone, his "eet touching at nothing, &ould go back and "ore
along the "oresaid ro!e &ith so great s&i"tness that hardl could one o,ertake hi% &ith running+ and then, to e*ercise his breast
and lungs, he &ould shout like all the de,ils in hell. $ heard hi% once call ;ude%on "ro% )t. ?ictor's gate to Mont%artre. )tentor
had ne,er such a ,oice at the siege o" Tro. Then "or the strengthening o" his ner,es or sine&s the %ade hi% t&o great so&s o"
lead, each o" the% &eighing eight thousand and se,en hundred (uintals, &hich the called alteres. Those he took u! "ro% the
ground, in each hand one, then li"ted the% u! o,er his head, and held the% so &ithout stirring three (uarters o" an hour and %ore,
&hich &as an ini%itable "orce. /e "ought at barriers &ith the stoutest and %ost ,igorous cha%!ions+ and &hen it ca%e to the co!e,
he stood so sturdil on his "eet that he abandoned hi%sel" unto the strongest, in case the could re%o,e hi% "ro% his !lace, as
Milo &as &ont to do o" old. $n &hose i%itation, like&ise, he held a !o%egranate in his hand, to gi,e it unto hi% that could take it
"ro% hi%. The ti%e being thus besto&ed, and hi%sel" rubbed, cleansed, &i!ed, and re"reshed &ith other clothes, he returned "air
and so"tl+ and !assing through certain %eado&s, or other grass !laces, beheld the trees and !lants, co%!aring the% &ith &hat is
&ritten o" the% in the books o" the ancients, such as Theo!hrast, 3ioscorides, Marinus, Plin, 1icander, Macer, and Galen, and
carried ho%e to the house great hand"uls o" the%, &hereo" a oung !age called Ri<oto%os had charge+ together &ith little
%attocks, !icka*es, grubbing-hooks, cabbies, !runing-kni,es, and other instru%ents re(uisite "or herbori<ing. Being co%e to their
lodging, &hilst su!!er &as %aking read, the re!eated certain !assages o" that &hich hath been read, and sat do&n to table. /ere
re%ark, that his dinner &as sober and thri"t, "or he did then eat onl to !re,ent the gna&ings o" his sto%ach, but his su!!er &as
co!ious and large, "or he took then as %uch as &as "it to %aintain and nourish hi%+ &hich, indeed, is the true diet !rescribed b the
art o" good and sound !hsic, although a rabble o" loggerheaded !hsicians, nu<<eled in the brabbling sho! o" so!histers, counsel
the contrar. 3uring that re!ast &as continued the lesson read at dinner as long as the thought good+ the rest &as s!ent in good
discourse, learned and !ro"itable. A"ter that the had gi,en thanks, he set hi%sel" to sing ,ocall, and !la u!on har%onious
instru%ents, or other&ise !assed his ti%e at so%e !rett s!orts, %ade &ith cards or dice, or in !ractising the "eats o" legerde%ain
&ith cu!s and balls. There the staed so%e nights in "rolicking thus, and %aking the%sel,es %err till it &as ti%e to go to bed+
and on other nights the &ould go %ake ,isits unto learned %en, or to such as had been tra,ellers in strange and re%ote countries.
When it &as "ull night be"ore the retired the%sel,es, the &ent unto the %ost o!en !lace o" the house to see the "ace o" the sk,
and there beheld the co%ets, i" an &ere, as like&ise the "igures, situations, as!ects, o!!ositions, and con-unctions o" both the
"i*ed stars and !lanets.
Then &ith his %aster did he brie"l reca!itulate, a"ter the %anner o" the Pthagoreans, that &hich he had read, seen, learned, done,
and understood in the &hole course o" that da.
Then !raed the unto God the 4reator, in "alling do&n be"ore hi%, and strengthening their "aith to&ards hi%, and glori"ing hi%
"or his boundless bount+ and, gi,ing thanks unto hi% "or the ti%e that &as !ast, the reco%%ended the%sel,es to his di,ine
cle%enc "or the "uture. Which being done, the &ent to bed, and betook the%sel,es to their re!ose and rest.
/o& Gargantua s!ent his ti%e in rain &eather
$" it ha!!ened that the &eather &ere anthing cloud, "oul, and rain, all the "orenoon &as e%!loed, as be"ore s!eci"ied,
according to custo%, &ith this di""erence onl, that the had a good clear "ire lighted to correct the diste%!ers o" the air. But a"ter
dinner, instead o" their &onted e*ercitations, the did abide &ithin, and, b &a o" a!othera! #that is, a %aking the bod health"ul
b e*ercise', did recreate the%sel,es in bottling u! o" ha, in clea,ing and sa&ing o" &ood, and in threshing shea,es o" corn at the
barn. Then the studied the art o" !ainting or car,ing+ or brought into use the anti(ue !la o" tables, as =eonicus hath &ritten o" it,
and as our good "riend =ascaris !laeth at it. $n !laing the e*a%ined the !assages o" ancient authors &herein the said !la is
%entioned or an %eta!hor dra&n "ro% it. The &ent like&ise to see the dra&ing o" %etals, or the casting o" great ordnance+ ho&
the la!idaries did &ork+ as also the golds%iths and cutters o" !recious stones. 1or did the o%it to ,isit the alche%ists, %one-
coiners, u!holsterers, &ea,ers, ,el,et-&orkers, &atch%akers, looking-glass "ra%ers, !rinters, organists, and other such kind o"
arti"icers, and, e,er&here gi,ing the% so%e&hat to drink, did learn and consider the industr and in,ention o" the trades. The
&ent also to hear the !ublic lectures, the sole%n co%%ence%ents, the re!etitions, the accla%ations, the !leadings o" the gentle
la&ers, and ser%ons o" e,angelical !reachers. /e &ent through the halls and !laces a!!ointed "or "encing, and there !laed
against the %asters the%sel,es at all &ea!ons, and sho&ed the% b e*!erience that he kne& as %uch in it as, ea, %ore than, the.
And, instead o" herbori<ing, the ,isited the sho!s o" druggists, herbalists, and a!othecaries, and diligentl considered the "ruits,
roots, lea,es, gu%s, seeds, the grease and oint%ents o" so%e "oreign !arts, as also ho& the did adulterate the%. /e &ent to see the
-ugglers, tu%blers, %ountebanks, and (uacksal,ers, and considered their cunning, their shi"ts, their so%ersaults and s%ooth
tongue, es!eciall o" those o" 4haun in Picard, &ho are naturall great !raters, and bra,e gi,ers o" "ibs, in %atter o" green a!es.
At their return the did eat %ore soberl at su!!er than at other ti%es, and %eats %ore desiccati,e and e*tenuating+ to the end that
the inte%!erate %oisture o" the air, co%%unicated to the bod b a necessar con"initi,e, %ight b this %eans be corrected, and
that the %ight not recei,e an !re-udice "or &ant o" their ordinar bodil e*ercise. Thus &as Gargantua go,erned, and ke!t on in
this course o" education, "ro% da to da !ro"iting, as ou %a understand such a oung %an o" his age %a, o" a !regnant
-udg%ent, &ith good disci!line &ell continued. Which, although at the beginning it see%ed di""icult, beca%e a little a"ter so s&eet,
so eas, and so delight"ul, that it see%ed rather the recreation o" a king than the stud o" a scholar. 1e,ertheless Ponocrates, to
di,ert hi% "ro% this ,ehe%ent intension o" the s!irits, thought "it, once in a %onth, u!on so%e "air and clear da, to go out o" the
cit beti%es in the %orning, either to&ards Gentill, or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or 4haranton bridge, or to ?an,es, or )t. 4lou,
and there s!end all the da long in %aking the greatest cheer that could be de,ised, s!orting, %aking %err, drinking healths,
!laing, singing, dancing, tu%bling in so%e "air %eado&, unnestling o" s!arro&s, taking o" (uails, and "ishing "or "rogs and crabs.
But although that da &as !assed &ithout books or lecture, et &as it not s!ent &ithout !ro"it+ "or in the said %eado&s the usuall
re!eated certain !leasant ,erses o" ?irgil's agriculture, o" /esiod and o" Politian's husbandr, &ould set a-broach so%e &itt =atin
e!igra%s, then i%%ediatel turned the% into roundelas and songs "or dancing in the French language. $n their "easting the
&ould so%eti%es se!arate the &ater "ro% the &ine that &as there&ith %i*ed, as 4ato teacheth, 3e re rustica, and Plin &ith an i,
cu! &ould &ash the &ine in a basin"ul o" &ater, then take it out again &ith a "unnel as !ure as e,er. The %ade the &ater go "ro%
one glass to another, and contri,ed a thousand little auto%ator engines, that is to sa, %o,ing o" the%sel,es.
/o& there &as great stri"e and debate raised bet&i*t the cake-bakers o" =erne, and those o" Gargantua's countr, &hereu!on &ere
&aged great &ars
At that ti%e, &hich &as the season o" ,intage, in the beginning o" har,est, &hen the countr she!herds &ere set to kee! the ,ines,
and hinder the starlings "ro% eating u! the gra!es, as so%e cake-bakers o" =erne ha!!ened to !ass along in the broad high&a,
dri,ing into the cit ten or t&el,e horses loaded &ith cakes, the said she!herds courteousl entreated the% to gi,e the% so%e "or
their %one, as the !rice then ruled in the %arket. For here it is to be re%arked, that it is a celestial "ood to eat "or break"ast hot
"resh cakes &ith gra!es, es!eciall the "rail clusters, the great red gra!es, the %uscadine, the ,er-uice gra!e, and the laskard, "or
those that are costi,e in their bell, because it &ill %ake the% gush out, and s(uirt the length o" a hunter's sta"", like the ,er ta! o"
a barrel+ and o"tenti%es, thinking to let a s(uib, the did all-to-bes(uatter and conskite the%sel,es, &hereu!on the are co%%onl
called the ,intage thinkers. The bun-sellers or cake-%akers &ere in nothing inclinable to their re(uest+ but, &hich &as &orse, did
in-ure the% %ost outrageousl, calling the% !rattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, "reckled bittors, %ang rascals, shite-a-bed
scoundrels, drunken rosters, sl kna,es, dro&s loiterers, sla!sauce "ello&s, slabberdegullion druggels, lubberl louts, co<ening
"o*es, ru""ian rogues, !altr custo%ers, sco!hant-,arlets, dra&latch hodens, "louting %ilkso!s, -eering co%!anions, staring
clo&ns, "orlorn snakes, ninn lobcocks, scur, sneaksbies, "ondling "o!s, base loons, sauc co*co%bs, idle lusks, sco""ing
braggarts, nodd %eacocks, blockish grutnols, doddi!ol--oltheads, -obbernol gooseca!s, "oolish loggerheads, "lutch cal"-lollies,
grouthead gnat-sna!!ers, lob-dotterels, ga!ing changelings, codshead loobies, &oodcock slanga%s, ninn-ha%%er "lcatchers,
nodd!eak si%!letons, turd gut, shitten she!herds, and other suchlike de"a%ator e!ithets+ saing "urther, that it &as not "or the%
to eat o" these daint cakes, but %ight ,er &ell content the%sel,es &ith the coarse unranged bread, or to eat o" the great bro&n
household loa". To &hich !ro,oking &ords, one a%ongst the%, called Forgier, an honest "ello& o" his !erson and a notable
s!ringal, %ade ans&er ,er cal%l thus0 /o& long is it since ou ha,e got horns, that ou are beco%e so !roud2 $ndeed "or%erl
ou &ere &ont to gi,e us so%e "reel, and &ill ou not no& let us ha,e an "or our %one2 This is not the !art o" good
neighbours, neither do &e ser,e ou thus &hen ou co%e hither to bu our good corn, &hereo" ou %ake our cakes and buns.
Besides that, &e &ould ha,e gi,en ou to the bargain so%e o" our gra!es, but, b his <ounds, ou %a chance to re!ent it, and
!ossibl ha,e need o" us at another ti%e, &hen &e shall use ou a"ter the like %anner, and there"ore re%e%ber it. Then Mar(uet, a
!ri%e %an in the con"raternit o" the cake-bakers, said unto hi%, @ea, sir, thou art !rett &ell crest-risen this %orning, thou didst
eat esternight too %uch %illet and bol%ong. 4o%e hither, sirrah, co%e hither, $ &ill gi,e thee so%e cakes. Whereu!on Forgier,
dreading no har%, in all si%!licit &ent to&ards hi%, and dre& a si*!ence out o" his leather satchel, thinking that Mar(uet &ould
ha,e sold hi% so%e o" his cakes. But, instead o" cakes, he ga,e hi% &ith his &hi! such a rude lash o,erth&art the legs, that the
%arks o" the &hi!cord knots &ere a!!arent in the%, then &ould ha,e "led a&a+ but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, 6,
%urder, %urder, hel!, hel!, hel!> and in the %eanti%e thre& a great cudgel a"ter hi%, &hich he carried under his ar%, &here&ith
he hit hi% in the coronal -oint o" his head, u!on the crota!hic arter o" the right side thereo", so "orcibl, that Mar(uet "ell do&n
"ro% his %are %ore like a dead than li,ing %an. Mean&hile the "ar%ers and countr s&ains, that &ere &atching their &alnuts near
to that !lace, ca%e running &ith their great !oles and long sta,es, and laid such load on these cake-bakers, as i" the had been to
thresh u!on green re. The other she!herds and she!herdesses, hearing the la%entable shout o" Forgier, ca%e &ith their slings and
slackies "ollo&ing the%, and thro&ing great stones at the%, as thick as i" it had been hail. At last the o,ertook the%, and took
"ro% the% about "our or "i,e do<en o" their cakes. 1e,ertheless the !aid "or the% the ordinar !rice, and ga,e the% o,er and
abo,e one hundred eggs and three baskets "ull o" %ulberries. Then did the cake-bakers hel! to get u! to his %are Mar(uet, &ho
&as %ost shre&dl &ounded, and "orth&ith returned to =erne, changing the resolution the had to go to Pareille, threatening ,er
shar! and boisterousl the co&herds, she!herds, and "ar%ers o" )e,ille and )inas. This done, the she!herds and she!herdesses
%ade %err &ith these cakes and "ine gra!es, and s!orted the%sel,es together at the sound o" the !rett s%all !i!e, sco""ing and
laughing at those ,ainglorious cake-bakers, &ho had that da %et &ith a %ischie" "or &ant o" crossing the%sel,es &ith a good
hand in the %orning. 1or did the "orget to a!!l to Forgier's leg so%e "air great red %edicinal gra!es, and so handso%el dressed
it and bound it u! that he &as (uickl cured.
/o& the inhabitants o" =erne, b the co%%and%ent o" Picrochole their king, assaulted the she!herds o" Gargantua une*!ectedl
and on a sudden
The cake-bakers, being returned to =erne, &ent !resentl, be"ore the did either eat or drink, to the 4a!itol, and there be"ore their
king, called Picrochole, the third o" that na%e, %ade their co%!laint, sho&ing their !anniers broken, their ca!s all cru%!led, their
coats torn, their cakes taken a&a, but, abo,e all, Mar(uet %ost enor%ousl &ounded, saing that all that %ischie" &as done b
the she!herds and herds%en o" Grangousier, near the broad high&a beond )e,ille. Picrochole incontinent gre& angr and
"urious+ and, &ithout asking an "urther &hat, ho&, &h, or &here"ore, co%%anded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded
throughout all his countr, that all his ,assals o" &hat condition soe,er should, u!on !ain o" the halter, co%e, in the best ar%s the
could, unto the great !lace be"ore the castle, at the hour o" noon, and, the better to strengthen his design, he caused the dru% to be
beat about the to&n. /i%sel", &hilst his dinner &as %aking read, &ent to see his artiller %ounted u!on the carriage, to dis!la
his colours, and set u! the great roal standard, and loaded &ains &ith store o" a%%unition both "or the "ield and the bell, ar%s
and ,ictuals. At dinner he des!atched his co%%issions, and b his e*!ress edict % =ord )hagrag &as a!!ointed to co%%and the
,anguard, &herein &ere nu%bered si*teen thousand and "ourteen ar(uebusiers or "irelocks, together &ith thirt thousand and
ele,en ,olunteer ad,enturers. The great Tou(uedillon, %aster o" the horse, had the charge o" the ordnance, &herein &ere reckoned
nine hundred and "ourteen bra<en !ieces, in cannons, double cannons, basilisks, ser!entines, cul,erins, bo%bards or %urderers,
"alcons, bases or !asse,olins, s!irols, and other sorts o" great guns. The rearguard &as co%%itted to the 3uke o" )cra!egood. $n
the %ain battle &as the king and the !rinces o" his kingdo%. Thus being hastil "urnished, be"ore the &ould set "or&ard, the sent
three hundred light horse%en, under the conduct o" 4a!tain )&ill&ind, to disco,er the countr, clear the a,enues, and see &hether
there &as an a%bush laid "or the%. But, a"ter the had %ade diligent search, the "ound all the land round about in !eace and
(uiet, &ithout an %eeting or con,ention at all+ &hich Picrochole understanding, co%%anded that e,erone should %arch s!eedil
under his colours. Then i%%ediatel in all disorder, &ithout kee!ing either rank or "ile, the took the "ields one a%ongst another,
&asting, s!oiling, destroing, and %aking ha,oc o" all &here,er the &ent, not s!aring !oor nor rich, !ri,ileged or un!ri,ileged
!laces, church nor lait, dro,e a&a o*en and co&s, bulls, cal,es, hei"ers, &ethers, e&es, la%bs, goats, kids, hens, ca!ons,
chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, s&ine, !igs, and such like+ beating do&n the &alnuts, !lucking the gra!es, tearing the
hedges, shaking the "ruit-trees, and co%%itting such inco%!arable abuses, that the like abo%ination &as ne,er heard o".
1e,ertheless, the %et &ith none to resist the%, "or e,erone sub%itted to their %erc, beseeching the% that the %ight be dealt
&ith courteousl in regard that the had al&as carried the%sel,es as beca%e good and lo,ing neighbours, and that the had ne,er
been guilt o" an &rong or outrage done u!on the%, to be thus suddenl sur!rised, troubled, and dis(uieted, and that, i" the
&ould not desist, God &ould !unish the% ,er shortl. To &hich e*!ostulations and re%onstrances no other ans&er &as %ade, but
that the &ould teach the% to eat cakes.
/o& a %onk o" )e,ille sa,ed the close o" the abbe "ro% being ransacked b the ene%
)o %uch the did, and so "ar the &ent !illaging and stealing, that at last the ca%e to )e,ille, &here the robbed both %en and
&o%en, and took all the could catch0 nothing &as either too hot or too hea, "or the%. Although the !lague &as there in the %ost
!art o" all the houses, the ne,ertheless entered e,er&here, then !lundered and carried a&a all that &as &ithin, and et "or all
this not one o" the% took an hurt, &hich is a %ost &onder"ul case. For the curates, ,icars, !reachers, !hsicians, chirurgeons, and
a!othecaries, &ho &ent to ,isit, to dress, to cure, to heal, to !reach unto and ad%onish those that &ere sick, &ere all dead o" the
in"ection, and these de,ilish robbers and %urderers caught ne,er an har% at all. Whence co%es this to !ass, % %asters2 $
beseech ou think u!on it. The to&n being thus !illaged, the &ent unto the abbe &ith a horrible noise and tu%ult, but the "ound
it shut and %ade "ast against the%. Whereu!on the bod o" the ar% %arched "or&ard to&ards a !ass or "ord called the Gue de
?ede, e*ce!t se,en co%!anies o" "oot and t&o hundred lancers, &ho, staing there, broke do&n the &alls o" the close, to &aste,
s!oil, and %ake ha,oc o" all the ,ines and ,intage &ithin that !lace. The %onks #!oor de,ils' kne& not in that e*tre%it to &hich
o" all their sancts the should ,o& the%sel,es. 1e,ertheless, at all ad,entures the rang the bells ad ca!itulu% ca!itulantes. There
it &as decreed that the should %ake a "air !rocession, stu""ed &ith good lectures, !raers, and litanies contra hostiu% insidias, and
-oll res!onses !ro !ace.
There &as then in the abbe a claustral %onk, called Friar .ohn o" the "unnels and gobbets, in French des entou%eures, oung,
gallant, "risk, lust, ni%ble, (uick, acti,e, bold, ad,enturous, resolute, tall, lean, &ide-%outhed, long-nosed, a "air des!atcher o"
%orning !raers, unbridler o" %asses, and runner o,er o" ,igils+ and, to conclude su%%aril in a &ord, a right %onk, i" e,er there
&as an, since the %onking &orld %onked a %onker0 "or the rest, a clerk e,en to the teeth in %atter o" bre,iar. This %onk,
hearing the noise that the ene% %ade &ithin the enclosure o" the ,ineard, &ent out to see &hat the &ere doing+ and !ercei,ing
that the &ere cutting and gathering the gra!es, &hereon &as grounded the "oundation o" all their ne*t ear's &ine, returned unto
the choir o" the church &here the other %onks &ere, all a%a<ed and astonished like so %an bell-%elters. Who% &hen he heard
sing, i%, ni%, !e, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene, tu%, ne, nu%, nu%, ini, i %i, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, ru%, nenu%, nu%0 $t is &ell
shit, &ell sung, said he. B the ,irtue o" God, &h do not ou sing, Panniers, "are&ell, ,intage is done2 The de,il snatch %e, i"
the be not alread &ithin the %iddle o" our close, and cut so &ell both ,ines and gra!es, that, b 4od's bod, there &ill not be
"ound "or these "our ears to co%e so %uch as a gleaning in it. B the bell o" )anct .a%es, &hat shall &e !oor de,ils drink the
&hile2 =ord God> da %ihi !otu%. Then said the !rior o" the con,ent0 What should this drunken "ello& do here2 let hi% be carried
to !rison "or troubling the di,ine ser,ice. 1a, said the %onk, the &ine ser,ice, let us beha,e oursel,es so that it be not troubled+
"or ou oursel", % lord !rior, lo,e to drink o" the best, and so doth e,er honest %an. 1e,er et did a %an o" &orth dislike good
&ine, it is a %onastical a!o!htheg%. But these res!onses that ou chant here, b G--, are not in season. Where"ore is it, that our
de,otions &ere instituted to be short in the ti%e o" har,est and ,intage, and long in the ad,ent, and all the &inter2 The late "riar,
Masse!elosse, o" good %e%or, a true <ealous %an, or else $ gi,e %sel" to the de,il, o" our religion, told %e, and $ re%e%ber it
&ell, ho& the reason &as, that in this season &e %ight !ress and %ake the &ine, and in &inter &hi"" it u!. /ark ou, % %asters,
ou that lo,e the &ine, 4o!'s bod, "ollo& %e+ "or )anct Anthon burn %e as "reel as a "aggot, i" the get lea,e to taste one dro!
o" the li(uor that &ill not no& co%e and "ight "or relie" o" the ,ine. /og's bell, the goods o" the church> /a, no, no. What the
de,il, )anct Tho%as o" ;ngland &as &ell content to die "or the%+ i" $ died in the sa%e cause, should not $ be a sanct like&ise2 @es.
@et shall not $ die there "or all this, "or it is $ that %ust do it to others and send the% a-!acking.
As he s!ake this he thre& o"" his great %onk's habit, and laid hold u!on the sta"" o" the cross, &hich &as %ade o" the heart o" a
sorba!!le-tree, it being o" the length o" a lance, round, o" a "ull gri!, and a little !o&dered &ith lilies called "lo&er de luce, the
&ork%anshi! &hereo" &as al%ost all de"aced and &orn out. Thus &ent he out in a "air long-skirted -acket, !utting his "rock
scar"&ise ath&art his breast, and in this e(ui!age, &ith his sta"", sha"t or truncheon o" the cross, laid on so lustil, brisk, and
"iercel u!on his ene%ies, &ho, &ithout an order, or ensign, or tru%!et, or dru%, &ere busied in gathering the gra!es o" the
,ineard. For the cornets, guidons, and ensign-bearers had laid do&n their standards, banners, and colours b the &all sides0 the
dru%%ers had knocked out the heads o" their dru%s on one end to "ill the% &ith gra!es0 the tru%!eters &ere loaded &ith great
bundles o" bunches and huge knots o" clusters0 in su%, e,erone o" the% &as out o" arra, and all in disorder. /e hurried,
there"ore, u!on the% so rudel, &ithout cring gare or be&are, that he o,erthre& the% like hogs, tu%bled the% o,er like s&ine,
striking ath&art and alongst, and b one %eans or other laid so about hi%, a"ter the old "ashion o" "encing, that to so%e he beat out
their brains, to others he crushed their ar%s, battered their legs, and beth&acked their sides till their ribs cracked &ith it. To others
again he un-ointed the s!ondles or knuckles o" the neck, dis"igured their cha!s, gashed their "aces, %ade their cheeks hang
"la!!ing on their chin, and so s&inged and bala%%ed the% that the "ell do&n be"ore hi% like ha be"ore a %o&er. To so%e others
he s!oiled the "ra%e o" their kidnes, %arred their backs, broke their thigh-bones, !ashed in their noses, !oached out their ees,
cle"t their %andibles, tore their -a&s, dung in their teeth into their throat, shook asunder their o%o!lates or shoulder-blades,
s!hacelated their shins, %orti"ied their shanks, in"la%ed their ankles, hea,ed o"" o" the hinges their ishies, their sciatica or hi!-gout,
dislocated the -oints o" their knees, s(uattered into !ieces the boughts or !estles o" their thighs, and so thu%!ed, %auled and
belaboured the% e,er&here, that ne,er &as corn so thick and three"old threshed u!on b !lough%en's "lails as &ere the !iti"ull
dis-ointed %e%bers o" their %angled bodies under the %erciless baton o" the cross. $" an o""ered to hide hi%sel" a%ongst the
thickest o" the ,ines, he laid hi% s(uat as a "lounder, bruised the ridge o" his back, and dashed his reins like a dog. $" an thought
b "light to esca!e, he %ade his head to "l in !ieces b the la%boidal co%%issure, &hich is a sea% in the hinder !art o" the skull.
$" anone did scra%ble u! into a tree, thinking there to be sa"e, he rent u! his !erinee, and i%!aled hi% in at the "unda%ent. $" an
o" his old ac(uaintance ha!!ened to cr out, /a, Friar .ohn, % "riend Friar .ohn, (uarter, (uarter, $ ield %sel" to ou, to ou $
render %sel"> )o thou shalt, said he, and %ust, &hether thou &ouldst or no, and &ithal render and ield u! th soul to all the
de,ils in hell+ then suddenl ga,e the% dronos, that is, so %an knocks, thu%!s, ra!s, dints, th&acks, and bangs, as su""iced to
&arn Pluto o" their co%ing and des!atch the% a-going. $" an &as so rash and "ull o" te%erit as to resist hi% to his "ace, then &as
it he did sho& the strength o" his %uscles, "or &ithout %ore ado he did trans!ierce hi%, b running hi% in at the breast, through the
%ediastine and the heart. 6thers, again, he so (uashed and bebu%!ed, that, &ith a sound bounce under the hollo& o" their short
ribs, he o,erturned their sto%achs so that the died i%%ediatel. To so%e, &ith a s%art souse on the e!igaster, he &ould %ake
their %idri"" s&ag, then, redoubling the blo&, ga,e the% such a ho%e!ush on the na,el that he %ade their !uddings to gush out. To
others through their ballocks he !ierced their bu%gut, and le"t not bo&el, tri!e, nor entrail in their bod that had not "elt the
i%!etuosit, "ierceness, and "ur o" his ,iolence. Belie,e, that it &as the %ost horrible s!ectacle that e,er one sa&. )o%e cried unto
)anct Barbe, others to )t. George. 6 the hol =ad 1touch, said one, the good )anctess+ 6 our =ad o" )uccours, said another,
hel!, hel!> 6thers cried, 6ur =ad o" 4unaut, o" =oretto, o" Good Tidings, on the other side o" the &ater )t. Mar 6,er. )o%e
,o&ed a !ilgri%age to )t. .a%es, and others to the hol handkerchie" at 4ha%berr, &hich three %onths a"ter that burnt so &ell in
the "ire that the could not get one thread o" it sa,ed. 6thers sent u! their ,o&s to )t. 4adouin, others to )t. .ohn d'Angel, and to
)t. ;utro!ius o" Iaintes. 6thers again in,oked )t. Mes%es o" 4hinon, )t. Martin o" 4andes, )t. 4louaud o" )inas, the hol relics
o" =aure<a, &ith a thousand other -oll little sancts and santrels. )o%e died &ithout s!eaking, others s!oke &ithout ding+ so%e
died in s!eaking, others s!oke in ding. 6thers shouted as loud as the could 4on"ession, 4on"ession, 4on"iteor, Miserere, $n
%anus> )o great &as the cr o" the &ounded, that the !rior o" the abbe &ith all his %onks ca%e "orth, &ho, &hen the sa& these
!oor &retches so slain a%ongst the ,ines, and &ounded to death, con"essed so%e o" the%. But &hilst the !riests &ere busied in
con"essing the%, the little %onkies ran all to the !lace &here Friar .ohn &as, and asked hi% &herein he &ould be !leased to
re(uire their assistance. To &hich he ans&ered that the should cut the throats o" those he had thro&n do&n u!on the ground. The
!resentl, lea,ing their outer habits and co&ls u!on the rails, began to throttle and %ake an end o" those &ho% he had alread
crushed. 4an ou tell &ith &hat instru%ents the did it2 With "air gullies, &hich are little hulchbacked de%i-kni,es, the iron tool
&hereo" is t&o inches long, and the &ooden handle one inch thick, and three inches in length, &here&ith the little bos in our
countr cut ri!e &alnuts in t&o &hile the are et in the shell, and !ick out the kernel, and the "ound the% ,er "it "or the
e*!editing o" that &easand-slitting e*!loit. $n the %eanti%e Friar .ohn, &ith his "or%idable baton o" the cross, got to the breach
&hich the ene%ies had %ade, and there stood to snatch u! those that endea,oured to esca!e. )o%e o" the %onkitos carried the
standards, banners, ensigns, guidons, and colours into their cells and cha%bers to %ake garters o" the%. But &hen those that had
been shri,en &ould ha,e gone out at the ga! o" the said breach, the sturd %onk (uashed and "elled the% do&n &ith blo&s,
saing, These %en ha,e had con"ession and are !enitent souls+ the ha,e got their absolution and gained the !ardons+ the go into
!aradise as straight as a sickle, or as the &a is to Fae #like 4rooked-=ane at ;astchea!'. Thus b his !ro&ess and ,alour &ere
disco%"ited all those o" the ar% that entered into the close o" the abbe, unto the nu%ber o" thirteen thousand, si* hundred, t&ent
and t&o, besides the &o%en and little children, &hich is al&as to be understood. 1e,er did Maugis the /er%it bear hi%sel" %ore
,aliantl &ith his bourdon or !ilgri%'s sta"" against the )aracens, o" &ho% is &ritten in the Acts o" the "our sons o" A%on, than
did this %onk against his ene%ies &ith the sta"" o" the cross.
/o& Picrochole stor%ed and took b assault the rock 4ler%ond, and o" Grangousier's un&illingness and a,ersion "ro% the
undertaking o" &ar
/o& Picrochole stor%ed and took b assault the rock 4ler%ond, and o" Grangousier's un&illingness and a,ersion "ro% the
undertaking o" &ar.
Whilst the %onk did thus skir%ish, as &e ha,e said, against those &hich &ere entered &ithin the close, Picrochole in great haste
!assed the "ord o" ?ede--a ,er es!ecial !ass--&ith all his soldiers, and set u!on the rock 4ler%ond, &here there &as %ade hi% no
resistance at all+ and, because it &as alread night, he resol,ed to (uarter hi%sel" and his ar% in that to&n, and to re"resh hi%sel"
o" his !ugnati,e choler. $n the %orning he stor%ed and took the bul&arks and castle, &hich a"ter&ards he "orti"ied &ith ra%!iers,
and "urnished &ith all a%%unition re(uisite, intending to %ake his retreat there, i" he should ha!!en to be other&ise &orsted+ "or it
&as a strong !lace, both b art and nature, in regard o" the stance and situation o" it. But let us lea,e the% there, and return to our
good Gargantua, &ho is at Paris ,er assiduous and earnest at the stud o" good letters and athletical e*ercitations, and to the good
old %an Grangousier his "ather, &ho a"ter su!!er &ar%eth his ballocks b a good, clear, great "ire, and, &aiting u!on the broiling
o" so%e chestnuts, is ,er serious in dra&ing scratches on the hearth, &ith a stick burnt at the one end, &here&ith the did stir u!
the "ire, telling to his &i"e and the rest o" the "a%il !leasant old stories and tales o" "or%er ti%es.
Whilst he &as thus e%!loed, one o" the she!herds &hich did kee! the ,ines, na%ed Pillot, ca%e to&ards hi%, and to the "ull
related the enor%ous abuses &hich &ere co%%itted, and the e*cessi,e s!oil that &as %ade b Picrochole, Aing o" =erne, u!on his
lands and territories, and ho& he had !illaged, &asted, and ransacked all the countr, e*ce!t the enclosure at )e,ille, &hich Friar
.ohn des ;ntou%eures to his great honour had !reser,ed+ and that at the sa%e !resent ti%e the said king &as in the rock 4ler%ond,
and there, &ith great industr and circu%s!ection, &as strengthening hi%sel" and his &hole ar%. /alas, halas, alas> said
Grangousier, &hat is this, good !eo!le2 3o $ drea%, or is it true that the tell %e2 Picrochole, % ancient "riend o" old ti%e, o" %
o&n kindred and alliance, co%es he to in,ade %e2 What %o,es hi%2 What !ro,okes hi%2 What sets hi% on2 What dri,es hi% to
it2 Who hath gi,en hi% this counsel2 /o, ho, ho, ho, ho, % God, % )a,iour, hel! %e, ins!ire %e, and ad,ise %e &hat $ shall do>
$ !rotest, $ s&ear be"ore thee, so be thou "a,ourable to %e, i" e,er $ did hi% or his sub-ects an da%age or dis!leasure, or
co%%itted an the least robber in his countr+ but, on the contrar, $ ha,e succoured and su!!lied hi% &ith %en, %one,
"riendshi!, and counsel, u!on an occasion &herein $ could be steadable "or the i%!ro,e%ent o" his good. That he hath there"ore at
this nick o" ti%e so outraged and &ronged %e, it cannot be but b the %ale,olent and &icked s!irit. Good God, thou kno&est %
courage, "or nothing can be hidden "ro% thee. $" !erha!s he be gro&n %ad, and that thou hast sent hi% hither to %e "or the better
reco,er and re-establish%ent o" his brain, grant %e !o&er and &isdo% to bring hi% to the oke o" th hol &ill b good
disci!line. /o, ho, ho, ho, % good !eo!le, % "riends and % "aith"ul ser,ants, %ust $ hinder ou "ro% hel!ing %e2 Alas, % old
age re(uired hence-"or&ard nothing else but rest, and all the das o" % li"e $ ha,e laboured "or nothing so %uch as !eace+ but no&
$ %ust, $ see it &ell, load &ith ar%s % !oor, &ear, and "eeble shoulders, and take in % tre%bling hand the lance and horse%an's
%ace, to succour and !rotect % honest sub-ects. Reason &ill ha,e it so+ "or b their labour a% $ entertained, and &ith their s&eat
a% $ nourished, $, % children and % "a%il. This not&ithstanding, $ &ill not undertake &ar, until $ ha,e "irst tried all the &as
and %eans o" !eace0 that $ resol,e u!on.
Then asse%bled he his council, and !ro!osed the %atter as it &as indeed. Whereu!on it &as concluded that the should send so%e
discreet %an unto Picrochole, to kno& &here"ore he had thus suddenl broken the !eace and in,aded those lands unto &hich he
had no right nor title. Further%ore, that the should send "or Gargantua, and those under his co%%and, "or the !reser,ation o" the
countr, and de"ence thereo" no& at need. All this !leased Grangousier ,er &ell, and he co%%anded that so it should be done.
Presentl there"ore he sent the Bas(ue his lacke to "etch Gargantua &ith all diligence, and &rote hi% as "ollo&eth.
The tenour o" the letter &hich Grangousier &rote to his son Gargantua
The "er,enc o" th studies did re(uire that $ should not in a long ti%e recall thee "ro% that !hiloso!hical rest thou no& en-oest, i"
the con"idence re!osed in our "riends and ancient con"ederates had not at this !resent disa!!ointed the assurance o" % old age.
But seeing such is % "atal destin, that $ should be no& dis(uieted b those in &ho% $ trusted %ost, $ a% "orced to call thee back
to hel! the !eo!le and goods &hich b the right o" nature belong unto thee. For e,en as ar%s are &eak abroad, i" there be not
counsel at ho%e, so is that stud ,ain and counsel un!ro"itable &hich in a due and con,enient ti%e is not b ,irtue e*ecuted and
!ut in e""ect. M deliberation is not to !ro,oke, but to a!!ease--not to assault, but to de"end--not to con(uer, but to !reser,e %
"aith"ul sub-ects and hereditar do%inions, into &hich Picrochole is entered in a hostile %anner &ithout an ground or cause, and
"ro% da to da !ursueth his "urious enter!rise &ith that height o" insolence that is intolerable to "reeborn s!irits. $ ha,e
endea,oured to %oderate his trannical choler, o""ering hi% all that &hich $ thought %ight gi,e hi% satis"action+ and o"tenti%es
ha,e $ sent lo,ingl unto hi% to understand &herein, b &ho%, and ho& he "ound hi%sel" to be &ronged. But o" hi% could $
obtain no other ans&er but a %ere de"iance, and that in % lands he did !retend onl to the right o" a ci,il corres!ondenc and
good beha,iour, &hereb $ kne& that the eternal God hath le"t hi% to the dis!osure o" his o&n "ree &ill and sensual a!!etite--
&hich cannot choose but be &icked, i" b di,ine grace it be not continuall guided--and to contain hi% &ithin his dut, and bring
hi% to kno& hi%sel", hath sent hi% hither to %e b a grie,ous token. There"ore, % belo,ed son, as soon as thou canst, u!on sight
o" these letters, re!air hither &ith all diligence, to succour not %e so %uch, &hich ne,ertheless b natural !iet thou oughtest to do,
as thine o&n !eo!le, &hich b reason thou %aest sa,e and !reser,e. The e*!loit shall be done &ith as little e""usion o" blood as
%a be. And, i" !ossible, b %eans "ar %ore e*!edient, such as %ilitar !olic, de,ices, and stratage%s o" &ar, &e shall sa,e all
the souls, and send the% ho%e as %err as crickets unto their o&n houses. M dearest son, the !eace o" .esus 4hrist our Redee%er
be &ith thee. )alute "ro% %e Ponocrates, G%nastes, and ;ude%on. The t&entieth o" )e!te%ber. Th Father Grangousier.
/o& Blric Gallet &as sent unto Picrochole
The letters being dictated, signed, and sealed, Grangousier ordained that Blric Gallet, %aster o" the re(uests, a ,er &ise and
discreet %an, o" &hose !rudence and sound -udg%ent he had %ade trial in se,eral di""icult and debate"ul %atters, #should' go unto
Picrochole, to sho& &hat had been decreed a%ongst the%. At the sa%e hour de!arted the good %an Gallet, and ha,ing !assed the
"ord, asked at the %iller that d&elt there in &hat condition Picrochole &as0 &ho ans&ered hi% that his soldiers had le"t hi% neither
cock nor hen, that the &ere retired and shut u! into the rock 4ler%ond, and that he &ould not ad,ise hi% to go an "urther "or "ear
o" the scouts, because the &ere enor%ousl "urious. Which he easil belie,ed, and there"ore lodged that night &ith the %iller.
The ne*t %orning he &ent &ith a tru%!eter to the gate o" the castle, and re(uired the guards he %ight be ad%itted to s!eak &ith
the king o" so%e&hat that concerned hi%. These &ords being told unto the king, he &ould b no %eans consent that the should
o!en the gate+ but, getting u!on the to! o" the bul&ark, said unto the a%bassador, What is the ne&s, &hat ha,e ou to sa2 Then
the a%bassador began to s!eak as "ollo&eth.
The s!eech %ade b Gallet to Picrochole.
There cannot arise a%ongst %en a -uster cause o" grie" than &hen the recei,e hurt and da%age &here the %a -ustl e*!ect "or
"a,our and good &ill+ and not &ithout cause, though &ithout reason, ha,e %an, a"ter the had "allen into such a cala%itous
accident, estee%ed this indignit less su!!ortable than the loss o" their o&n li,es, in such sort that, i" the ha,e not been able b
"orce o" ar%s nor an other %eans, b reach o" &it or subtlet, to sto! the% in their course and restrain their "ur, the ha,e "allen
into des!eration, and utterl de!ri,ed the%sel,es o" this light. $t is there"ore no &onder i" Aing Grangousier, % %aster, be "ull o"
high dis!leasure and %uch dis(uieted in %ind u!on th outrageous and hostile co%ing+ but trul it &ould be a %ar,el i" he &ere
not sensible o" and %o,ed &ith the inco%!arable abuses and in-uries !er!etrated b thee and thine u!on those o" his countr,
to&ards &ho% there hath been no e*a%!le o" inhu%anit o%itted. Which in itsel" is to hi% so grie,ous, "or the cordial a""ection
&here&ith he hath al&as cherished his sub-ects, that %ore it cannot be to an %ortal %an+ et in this, abo,e hu%an a!!rehension,
is it to hi% the %ore grie,ous that these &rongs and sad o""ences ha,e been co%%itted b thee and thine, &ho, ti%e out o" %ind,
"ro% all anti(uit, thou and th !redecessors ha,e been in a continual league and a%it &ith hi% and all his ancestors+ &hich, e,en
until this ti%e, ou ha,e as sacred together in,iolabl !reser,ed, ke!t, and entertained, so &ell, that not he and his onl, but the
,er barbarous nations o" the Poicte,ins, Bretons, Manceau*, and those that d&ell beond the isles o" the 4anaries, and that o"
$sabella, ha,e thought it as eas to !ull do&n the "ir%a%ent, and to set u! the de!ths abo,e the clouds, as to %ake a breach in our
alliance+ and ha,e been so a"raid o" it in their enter!rises that the ha,e ne,er dared to !ro,oke, incense, or enda%age the one "or
"ear o" the other. 1a, &hich is %ore, this sacred league hath so "illed the &orld, that there are "e& nations at this da inhabiting
throughout all the continent and isles o" the ocean, &ho ha,e not a%bitiousl as!ired to be recei,ed into it, u!on our o&n
co,enants and conditions, holding our -oint con"ederac in as high estee% as their o&n territories and do%inions, in such sort,
that "ro% the %e%or o" %an there hath not been either !rince or league so &ild and !roud that durst ha,e o""ered to in,ade, $ sa
not our countries, but not so %uch as those o" our con"ederates. And i", b rash and head counsel, the ha,e atte%!ted an ne&
design against the%, as soon as the heard the na%e and title o" our alliance, the ha,e suddenl desisted "ro% their enter!rises.
What rage and %adness, there"ore, doth no& incite thee, all old alliance in"ringed, all a%it trod under "oot, and all right ,iolated,
thus in a hostile %anner to in,ade his countr, &ithout ha,ing been b hi% or his in anthing !re-udiced, &ronged, or !ro,oked2
Where is "aith2 Where is la&2 Where is reason2 Where is hu%anit2 Where is the "ear o" God2 3ost thou think that these atrocious
abuses are hidden "ro% the eternal s!irit and the su!re%e God &ho is the -ust re&arder o" all our undertakings2 $" thou so think,
thou decei,est thsel"+ "or all things shall co%e to !ass as in his inco%!rehensible -udg%ent he hath a!!ointed. $s it th "atal
destin, or in"luences o" the stars, that &ould !ut an end to th so long en-oed ease and rest2 For that all things ha,e their end and
!eriod, so as that, &hen the are co%e to the su!erlati,e !oint o" their greatest height, the are in a trice tu%bled do&n again, as
not being able to abide long in that state. This is the conclusion and end o" those &ho cannot b reason and te%!erance %oderate
their "ortunes and !ros!erities. But i" it be !redestinated that th ha!!iness and ease %ust no& co%e to an end, %ust it needs be b
&ronging % king,--hi% b &ho% thou &ert established2 $" th house %ust co%e to ruin, should it there"ore in its "all crush the
heels o" hi% that set it u!2 The %atter is so unreasonable, and so dissonant "ro% co%%on sense, that hardl can it be concei,ed b
hu%an understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers, till b the certain and undoubted e""ects thereo" it be %ade a!!arent
that nothing is either sacred or hol to those &ho, ha,ing e%anci!ated the%sel,es "ro% God and reason, do %erel "ollo& the
!er,erse a""ections o" their o&n de!ra,ed nature. $" an &rong had been done b us to th sub-ects and do%inions--i" &e had
"a,oured th ill-&illers--i" &e had not assisted thee in th need--i" th na%e and re!utation had been &ounded b us--or, to s!eak
%ore trul, i" the calu%niating s!irit, te%!ting to induce thee to e,il, had, b "alse illusions and deceit"ul "antasies, !ut into th
conceit the i%!ression o" a thought that &e had done unto thee anthing un&orth o" our ancient corres!ondence and "riendshi!,
thou oughtest "irst to ha,e in(uired out the truth, and a"ter&ards b a seasonable &arning to ad%onish us thereo"+ and &e should
ha,e so satis"ied thee, according to thine o&n heart's desire, that thou shouldst ha,e had occasion to be contented. But, 6 eternal
God, &hat is th enter!rise2 Wouldst thou, like a !er"idious trant, thus s!oil and la &aste % %aster's kingdo%2 /ast thou "ound
hi% so sill and blockish, that he &ould not--or so destitute o" %en and %one, o" counsel and skill in %ilitar disci!line, that he
cannot &ithstand th un-ust in,asion2 March hence !resentl, and to-%orro&, so%e ti%e o" the da, retreat unto thine o&n countr,
&ithout doing an kind o" ,iolence or disorderl act b the &a+ and !a &ithal a thousand besans o" gold #&hich, in ;nglish
%one, a%ounteth to "i,e thousand !ounds', "or re!aration o" the da%ages thou hast done in this countr. /al" thou shalt !a to-
%orro&, and the other hal" at the ides o" Ma ne*t co%ing, lea,ing &ith us in the %ean ti%e, "or hostages, the 3ukes o" Turnbank,
=o&buttock, and )%alltrash, together &ith the Prince o" $tches and ?iscount o" )natchbit #Tourne%oule, Bas-de-"esses, Menuail,
Gratelles, Mor!iaille.'.
/o& Grangousier, to bu !eace, caused the cakes to be restored.
With that the good %an Gallet held his !eace, but Picrochole to all his discourse ans&ered nothing but 4o%e and "etch the%, co%e
and "etch the%, --the ha,e ballocks "air and so"t,--the &ill knead and !ro,ide so%e cakes "or ou. Then returned he to
Grangousier, &ho% he "ound u!on his knees bareheaded, crouching in a little corner o" his cabinet, and hu%bl !raing unto God
that he &ould ,ouchsa"e to assuage the choler o" Picrochole, and bring hi% to the rule o" reason &ithout !roceeding b "orce.
When the good %an ca%e back, he asked hi%, /a, % "riend, &hat ne&s do ou bring %e2 There is neither ho!e nor re%ed, said
Gallet+ the %an is (uite out o" his &its, and "orsaken o" God. @ea, but, said Grangousier, % "riend, &hat cause doth he !retend "or
his outrages2 /e did not sho& %e an cause at all, said Gallet, onl that in a great anger he s!oke so%e &ords o" cakes. $ cannot
tell i" the ha,e done an &rong to his cake-bakers. $ &ill kno&, said Grangousier, the %atter thoroughl, be"ore $ resol,e an
%ore u!on &hat is to be done. Then sent he to learn concerning that business, and "ound b true in"or%ation that his %en had
taken ,iolentl so%e cakes "ro% Picrochole's !eo!le, and that Mar(uet's head &as broken &ith a slack or short cudgel+ that,
ne,ertheless, all &as &ell !aid, and that the said Mar(uet had "irst hurt Forgier &ith a stroke o" his &hi! ath&art the legs. And it
see%ed good to his &hole council, that he should de"end hi%sel" &ith all his %ight. 1ot&ithstanding all this, said Grangousier,
seeing the (uestion is but about a "e& cakes, $ &ill labour to content hi%+ "or $ a% ,er un&illing to &age &ar against hi%. /e
in(uired then &hat (uantit o" cakes the had taken a&a, and understanding that it &as but so%e "our or "i,e do<en, he
co%%anded "i,e cartloads o" the% to be baked that sa%e night+ and that there should be one "ull o" cakes %ade &ith "ine butter,
"ine olks o" eggs, "ine sa""ron, and "ine s!ice, to be besto&ed u!on Mar(uet, unto &ho% like&ise he directed to be gi,en se,en
hundred thousand and three Phili!s #that is, at three shillings the !iece, one hundred "i,e thousand !ounds and nine shillings o"
;nglish %one', "or re!aration o" his losses and hindrances, and "or satis"action o" the chirurgeon that had dressed his &ound+ and
"urther%ore settled u!on hi% and his "or e,er in "reehold the a!!le-orchard called =a Po%ardiere. For the con,eance and !assing
o" all &hich &as sent Gallet, &ho b the &a as the &ent %ade the% gather near the &illo&-trees great store o" boughs, canes,
and reeds, &here&ith all the carriers &ere en-oined to garnish and deck their carts, and each o" the% to carr one in his hand, as
hi%sel" like&ise did, thereb to gi,e all %en to understand that the de%anded but !eace, and that the ca%e to bu it.
Being co%e to the gate, the re(uired to s!eak &ith Picrochole "ro% Grangousier. Picrochole &ould not so %uch as let the% in, nor
go to s!eak &ith the%, but sent the% &ord that he &as bus, and that the should deli,er their %ind to 4a!tain Tou(uedillon, &ho
&as then !lanting a !iece o" ordnance u!on the &all. Then said the good %an unto hi%, M lord, to ease ou o" all this labour, and
to take a&a all e*cuses &h ou %a not return unto our "or%er alliance, &e do here !resentl restore unto ou the cakes u!on
&hich the (uarrel arose. Fi,e do<en did our !eo!le take a&a0 the &ere &ell !aid "or0 &e lo,e !eace so &ell that &e restore unto
ou "i,e cartloads, o" &hich this cart shall be "or Mar(uet, &ho doth %ost co%!lain. Besides, to content hi% entirel, here are
se,en hundred thousand and three Phili!s, &hich $ deli,er to hi%, and, "or the losses he %a !retend to ha,e sustained, $ resign "or
e,er the "ar% o" the Po%ardiere, to be !ossessed in "ee-si%!le b hi% and his "or e,er, &ithout the !a%ent o" an dut, or
ackno&ledge%ent o" ho%age, "ealt, "ine, or ser,ice &hatsoe,er, and here is the tenour o" the deed. And, "or God's sake, let us li,e
hence"or&ard in !eace, and &ithdra& oursel,es %erril into our o&n countr "ro% &ithin this !lace, unto &hich ou ha,e no
right at all, as oursel,es %ust needs con"ess, and let us be good "riends as be"ore. Tou(uedillon related all this to Picrochole, and
%ore and %ore e*as!erated his courage, saing to hi%, These clo&ns are a"raid to so%e !ur!ose. B G--, Grangousier conskites
hi%sel" "or "ear, the !oor drinker. /e is not skilled in &ar"are, nor hath he an sto%ach "or it. /e kno&s better ho& to e%!t the
"lagons,--that is his art. $ a% o" o!inion that it is "it &e send back the carts and the %one, and, "or the rest, that ,er s!eedil &e
"orti" oursel,es here, then !rosecute our "ortune. But &hat> 3o the think to ha,e to do &ith a ninn&hoo!, to "eed ou thus &ith
cakes2 @ou %a see &hat it is. The good usage and great "a%iliarit &hich ou ha,e had &ith the% hereto"ore hath %ade ou
conte%!tible in their ees. Anoint a ,illain, he &ill !rick ou0 !rick a ,illain, and he &ill anoint ou #Bngente% !ungit, !ungente%
rusticus ungit.'.
)a, sa, sa, said Picrochole, b )t. .a%es ou ha,e gi,en a true character o" the%. 6ne thing $ &ill ad,ise ou, said Tou(uedillon.
We are here but badl ,ictualled, and "urnished &ith %outh-harness ,er slenderl. $" Grangousier should co%e to besiege us, $
&ould go !resentl, and !luck out o" all our soldiers' heads and %ine o&n all the teeth, e*ce!t three to each o" us, and &ith the%
alone &e should %ake an end o" our !ro,ision but too soon. We shall ha,e, said Picrochole, but too %uch sustenance and "eeding-
stu"". 4a%e &e hither to eat or to "ight2 To "ight, indeed, said Tou(uedillon+ et "ro% the !aunch co%es the dance, and &here
"a%ine rules "orce is e*iled. =ea,e o"" our !rating, said Picrochole, and "orth&ith sei<e u!on &hat the ha,e brought. Then took
the %one and cakes, o*en and carts, and sent the% a&a &ithout s!eaking one &ord, onl that the &ould co%e no %ore so
near, "or a reason that the &ould gi,e the% the %orro& a"ter. Thus, &ithout doing anthing, returned the to Grangousier, and
related the &hole %atter unto hi%, sub-oining that there &as no ho!e le"t to dra& the% to !eace but b shar! and "ierce &ars.
/o& so%e states%en o" Picrochole, b hairbrained counsel, !ut hi% in e*tre%e danger.
The carts being unloaded, and the %one and cakes secured, there ca%e be"ore Picrochole the 3uke o" )%alltrash, the ;arl
)&ashbuckler, and 4a!tain 3irt-tail #Menuail, )!adassin, Merdaille.', &ho said unto hi%, )ir, this da &e %ake ou the ha!!iest,
the %ost &arlike and chi,alrous !rince that e,er &as since the death o" Ale*ander o" Macedonia. Be co,ered, be co,ered, said
Picrochole. Gra%erc, said the, &e do but our dut. The %anner is thus. @ou shall lea,e so%e ca!tain here to ha,e the charge o"
this garrison, &ith a !art co%!etent "or kee!ing o" the !lace, &hich, besides its natural strength, is %ade stronger b the ra%!iers
and "ortresses o" our de,ising. @our ar% ou are to di,ide into t&o !arts, as ou kno& ,er &ell ho& to do. 6ne !art thereo"
shall "all u!on Grangousier and his "orces. B it shall he be easil at the ,er "irst shock routed, and then shall ou get %one b
hea!s, "or the clo&n hath store o" read coin. 4lo&n &e call hi%, because a noble and generous !rince hath ne,er a !enn, and that
to hoard u! treasure is but a clo&nish trick. The other !art o" the ar%, in the %eanti%e, shall dra& to&ards 6ns, Iaintonge,
Ango%ois, and Gascon. Then %arch to Perigot, Medoc, and ;lanes, taking &here,er ou co%e, &ithout resistance, to&ns, castles,
and "orts+ a"ter&ards to Baonne, )t. .ohn de =uc, to Fontarabia, &here ou shall sei<e u!on all the shi!s, and coasting along
Galicia and Portugal, shall !illage all the %ariti%e !laces, e,en unto =isbon, &here ou shall be su!!lied &ith all necessaries
be"itting a con(ueror. B co!sod, )!ain &ill ield, "or the are but a race o" loobies. Then are ou to !ass b the )traits o"
Gibraltar, &here ou shall erect t&o !illars %ore statel than those o" /ercules, to the !er!etual %e%or o" our na%e, and the
narro& entrance there shall be called the Picrocholinal sea.
/a,ing !assed the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa ields hi%sel" our sla,e. $ &ill, said Picrochole, gi,e hi% "air (uarter
and s!are his li"e. @ea, said the, so that he be content to be christened. And ou shall con(uer the kingdo%s o" Tunis, o" /i!!o,
Argier, Bo%ine #Bona', 4orone, ea, all Barbar. Further%ore, ou shall take into our hands Ma-orca, Minorca, )ardinia,
4orsica, &ith the other islands o" the =igustic and Balearian seas. Going alongst on the le"t hand, ou shall rule all Gallia
1arbonensis, Pro,ence, the Allobrogians, Genoa, Florence, =ucca, and then God b'&'e, Ro%e. #6ur !oor Monsieur the Po!e dies
no& "or "ear.' B % "aith, said Picrochole, $ &ill not then kiss his !antou"le.
$tal being thus taken, behold 1a!les, 4alabria, A!ulia, and )icil, all ransacked, and Malta too. $ &ish the !leasant Anights o" the
Rhodes hereto"ore &ould but co%e to resist ou, that &e %ight see their urine. $ &ould, said Picrochole, ,er &illingl go to
=oretto. 1o, no, said the, that shall be at our return. Fro% thence &e &ill sail east&ards, and take 4andia, 4!rus, Rhodes, and the
4clade $slands, and set u!on #the' Morea. $t is ours, b )t. Trenian. The =ord !reser,e .erusale%+ "or the great )oldan is not
co%!arable to ou in !o&er. $ &ill then, said he, cause )olo%on's te%!le to be built. 1o, said the, not et, ha,e a little !atience,
sta a&hile, be ne,er too sudden in our enter!rises. 4an ou tell &hat 6cta,ian Augustus said2 Festina lente. $t is re(uisite that
ou "irst ha,e the =esser Asia, 4aria, =cia, Pa%!hilia, 4ilicia, =dia, Phrgia, Msia, Bithnia, 4ara<ia, )atalia, )a%agaria,
4asta%ena, =uga, )a,asta, e,en unto ;u!hrates. )hall &e see, said Picrochole, Bablon and Mount )inai2 There is no need, said
the, at this ti%e. /a,e &e not hurried u! and do&n, tra,elled and toiled enough, in ha,ing trans"retted and !assed o,er the
/ircanian sea, %arched alongst the t&o Ar%enias and the three Arabias2 A, b % "aith, said he, &e ha,e !laed the "ools, and are
undone. /a, !oor souls> What's the %atter2 said the. What shall &e ha,e, said he, to drink in these deserts2 For .ulian Augustus
&ith his &hole ar% died there "or thirst, as the sa. We ha,e alread, said the, gi,en order "or that. $n the )riac sea ou ha,e
nine thousand and "ourteen great shi!s laden &ith the best &ines in the &orld. The arri,ed at Port .o!!a. There the "ound t&o-
and-t&ent thousand ca%els and si*teen hundred ele!hants, &hich ou shall ha,e taken at one hunting about )igel%es, &hen ou
entered into =bia+ and, besides this, ou had all the Mecca cara,an. 3id not the "urnish ou su""icientl &ith &ine2 @es, but, said
he, &e did not drink it "resh. B the ,irtue, said the, not o" a "ish, a ,aliant %an, a con(ueror, &ho !retends and as!ires to the
%onarch o" the &orld, cannot al&as ha,e his ease. God be thanked that ou and our %en are co%e sa"e and sound unto the
banks o" the ri,er Tigris. But, said he, &hat doth that !art o" our ar% in the %eanti%e &hich o,erthro&s that un&orth s&ill!ot
Grangousier2 The are not idle, said the. We shall %eet &ith the% b-and-b. The shall ha,e &on ou Brittan, 1or%and,
Flanders, /ainault, Brabant, Artois, /olland, Kealand+ the ha,e !assed the Rhine o,er the bellies o" the )&it<ers and lans(uenets,
and a !art o" these hath subdued =u*e%bourg, =orraine, 4ha%!agne, and )a,o, e,en to =ons, in &hich !lace the ha,e %et
&ith our "orces returning "ro% the na,al con(uests o" the Mediterranean sea+ and ha,e rallied again in Bohe%ia, a"ter the had
!lundered and sacked )ue,ia, Witte%berg, Ba,aria, Austria, Mora,ia, and )tria. Then the set "iercel together u!on =ubeck,
1or&a, )&edeland, Rie, 3en%ark, Gitland, Greenland, the )terlins, e,en unto the "ro<en sea. This done, the con(uered the $sles
o" 6rkne and subdued )cotland, ;ngland, and $reland. Fro% thence sailing through the sand sea and b the )ar%ates, the ha,e
,an(uished and o,erco%e Prussia, Poland, =ithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transl,ania, /ungar, Bulgaria, Turkeland, and are
no& at 4onstantino!le. 4o%e, said Picrochole, let us go -oin &ith the% (uickl, "or $ &ill be ;%!eror o" Trebi<ond also. )hall &e
not kill all these dogs, Turks and Maho%etans2 What a de,il should &e do else2 said the. And ou shall gi,e their goods and
lands to such as shall ha,e ser,ed ou honestl. Reason, said he, &ill ha,e it so, that is but -ust. $ gi,e unto ou the 4ara%ania,
)uria, and all the Palestine. /a, sir, said the, it is out o" our goodness+ gra%erc, &e thank ou. God grant ou %a al&as
!ros!er. There &as there !resent at that ti%e an old gentle%an &ell e*!erienced in the &ars, a stern soldier, and &ho had been in
%an great ha<ards, na%ed ;che!hron, &ho, hearing this discourse, said, $ do greatl doubt that all this enter!rise &ill be like the
tale or interlude o" the !itcher "ull o" %ilk &here&ith a shoe%aker %ade hi%sel" rich in conceit+ but, &hen the !itcher &as broken,
he had not &hereu!on to dine. What do ou !retend b these large con(uests2 What shall be the end o" so %an labours and
crosses2 Thus it shall be, said Picrochole, that &hen &e are returned &e shall sit do&n, rest, and be %err. But, said ;che!hron, i"
b chance ou should ne,er co%e back, "or the ,oage is long and dangerous, &ere it not better "or us to take our rest no&, than
unnecessaril to e*!ose oursel,es to so %an dangers2 6, said )&ashbuckler, b G--, here is a good dotard+ co%e, let us go hide
oursel,es in the corner o" a chi%ne, and there s!end the &hole ti%e o" our li"e a%ongst ladies, in threading o" !earls, or s!inning,
like )ardana!alus. /e that nothing ,entures hath neither horse nor %ule, sas )olo%on. /e &ho ad,entureth too %uch, said
;che!hron, loseth both horse and %ule, ans&ered Malchon. ;nough, said Picrochole, go "or&ard. $ "ear nothing but that these
de,ilish legions o" Grangousier, &hilst &e are in Meso!ota%ia, &ill co%e on our backs and charge u! our rear. What course shall
&e then take2 What shall be our re%ed2 A ,er good one, said 3irt-tail+ a !rett little co%%ission, &hich ou %ust send unto the
Musco,ites, shall bring ou into the "ield in an instant "our hundred and "i"t thousand choice %en o" &ar. 6h that ou &ould but
%ake %e our lieutenant-general, $ should "or the lightest "aults o" an in"lict great !unish%ents. $ "ret, $ charge, $ strike, $ take, $
kill, $ sla, $ !la the de,il. 6n, on, said Picrochole, %ake haste, % lads, and let hi% that lo,es %e "ollo& %e.
/o& Gargantua le"t the cit o" Paris to succour his countr, and ho& G%nast encountered &ith the ene%.
$n this sa%e ,er hour Gargantua, &ho &as gone out o" Paris as soon as he had read his "ather's letters, co%ing u!on his great
%are, had alread !assed the 1unner-bridge, hi%sel", Ponocrates, G%nast, and ;ude%on, &ho all three, the better to enable
the% to go along &ith hi%, took !ost-horses. The rest o" his train ca%e a"ter hi% b e,en -ournes at a slo&er !ace, bringing &ith
the% all his books and !hiloso!hical instru%ents. As soon as he had alighted at Parille, he &as in"or%ed b a "ar%er o" Gouguet
ho& Picrochole had "orti"ied hi%sel" &ithin the rock 4ler%ond, and had sent 4a!tain Tri!et &ith a great ar% to set u!on the
&ood o" ?ede and ?augaudr, and that the had alread !lundered the &hole countr, not lea,ing cock nor hen, e,en as "ar as to
the &ine!ress o" Billard. These strange and al%ost incredible ne&s o" the enor%ous abuses thus co%%itted o,er all the land, so
a""righted Gargantua that he kne& not &hat to sa nor do. But Ponocrates counselled hi% to go unto the =ord o" ?auguon, &ho at
all ti%es had been their "riend and con"ederate, and that b hi% the should be better ad,ised in their business. Which the did
incontinentl, and "ound hi% ,er &illing and "ull resol,ed to assist the%, and there"ore &as o" o!inion that the should send
so%e one o" his co%!an to scout along and disco,er the countr, to learn in &hat condition and !osture the ene% &as, that the
%ight take counsel, and !roceed according to the !resent occasion. G%nast o""ered hi%sel" to go. Whereu!on it &as concluded,
that "or his sa"et and the better e*!edition, he should ha,e &ith hi% so%eone that kne& the &as, a,enues, turnings, &indings,
and ri,ers thereabout. Then a&a &ent he and Prelingot, the e(uerr or gentle%an o" ?auguon's horse, &ho scouted and es!ied as
narro&l as the could u!on all (uarters &ithout an "ear. $n the %eanti%e Gargantua took a little re"resh%ent, ate so%e&hat
hi%sel", the like did those &ho &ere &ith hi%, and caused to gi,e to his %are a !icotine o" oats, that is, three score and "ourteen
(uarters and three bushels. G%nast and his co%rade rode so long, that at last the %et &ith the ene%'s "orces, all scattered and
out o" order, !lundering, stealing, robbing, and !illaging all the could la their hands on. And, as "ar o"" as the could !ercei,e
hi%, the ran thronging u!on the back o" one another in all haste to&ards hi%, to unload hi% o" his %one, and untruss his
!ort%antles. Then cried he out unto the%, M %asters, $ a% a !oor de,il, $ desire ou to s!are %e. $ ha,e et one cro&n le"t.
4o%e, &e %ust drink it, "or it is auru% !otabile, and this horse here shall be sold to !a % &elco%e. A"ter&ards take %e "or one
o" our o&n, "or ne,er et &as there an %an that kne& better ho& to take, lard, roast, and dress, ea, b G--, to tear asunder and
de,our a hen, than $ that a% here0 and "or % !ro"iciat $ drink to all good "ello&s. With that he unscre&ed his borracho #&hich &as
a great 3utch leathern bottle', and &ithout !utting in his nose drank ,er honestl. The %arou"le rogues looked u!on hi%, o!ening
their throats a "oot &ide, and !utting out their tongues like grehounds, in ho!es to drink a"ter hi%+ but 4a!tain Tri!et, in the ,er
nick o" that their e*!ectation, ca%e running to hi% to see &ho it &as. To hi% G%nast o""ered his bottle, saing, /old, ca!tain,
drink boldl and s!are not+ $ ha,e been th taster, it is &ine o" =a Fae Mon-au. What> said Tri!et, this "ello& gibes and "louts us2
Who art thou2 said Tri!et. $ a%, said G%nast, a !oor de,il #!au,re diable'. /a, said Tri!et, seeing thou art a !oor de,il, it is
reason that thou shouldst be !er%itted to go &hithersoe,er thou &ilt, "or all !oor de,ils !ass e,er&here &ithout toll or ta*. But it
is not the custo% o" !oor de,ils to be so &ell %ounted+ there"ore, sir de,il, co%e do&n, and let %e ha,e our horse, and i" he do
not carr %e &ell, ou, %aster de,il, %ust do it0 "or $ lo,e a li"e that such a de,il as ou should carr %e a&a.
/o& G%nast ,er sou!l and cunningl killed 4a!tain Tri!et and others o" Picrochole's %en
When the heard these &ords, so%e a%ongst the% began to be a"raid, and blessed the%sel,es &ith both hands, thinking indeed
that he had been a de,il disguised, inso%uch that one o" the%, na%ed Good .ohn, ca!tain o" the trained bands o" the countr
bu%!kins, took his !salter out o" his cod!iece, and cried out aloud, /agios ho theos. $" thou be o" God, s!eak+ i" thou be o" the
other s!irit, a,oid hence, and get thee going. @et he &ent not a&a. Which &ords being heard b all the soldiers that &ere there,
di,ers o" the% being a little in&ardl terri"ied, de!arted "ro% the !lace. All this did G%nast ,er &ell re%ark and consider, and
there"ore %aking as i" he &ould ha,e alighted "ro% o"" his horse, as he &as !oising hi%sel" on the %ounting side, he %ost ni%bl,
&ith his short s&ord b his thigh, shi"ting his "oot in the stirru!, !er"or%ed the stirru!-leather "eat, &hereb, a"ter the inclining o"
his bod do&n&ards, he "orth&ith launched hi%sel" alo"t in the air, and !laced both his "eet together on the saddle, standing
u!right &ith his back turned to&ards the horse's head. 1o&, said he, % case goes back&ard. Then suddenl in the sa%e ,er
!osture &herein he &as, he "etched a ga%bol u!on one "oot, and, turning to the le"t hand, "ailed not to carr his bod !er"ectl
round, -ust into its "or%er stance, &ithout %issing one -ot. /a, said Tri!et, $ &ill not do that at this ti%e, and not &ithout cause.
Well, said G%nast, $ ha,e "ailed, $ &ill undo this lea!. Then &ith a %ar,ellous strength and agilit, turning to&ards the right hand,
he "etched another "risking ga%bol as be"ore, &hich done, he set his right-hand thu%b u!on the hind-bo& o" the saddle, raised
hi%sel" u!, and s!rung in the air, !oising and u!holding his &hole bod u!on the %uscle and ner,e o" the said thu%b, and so
turned and &hirled hi%sel" about three ti%es. At the "ourth, re,ersing his bod, and o,erturning it u!side do&n, and "oreside back,
&ithout touching anthing, he brought hi%sel" bet&i*t the horse's t&o ears, s!ringing &ith all his bod into the air, u!on the thu%b
o" his le"t hand, and in that !osture, turning like a &ind%ill, did %ost acti,el do that trick &hich is called the %iller's !ass. A"ter
this, cla!!ing his right hand "lat u!on the %iddle o" the saddle, he ga,e hi%sel" such a -erking s&ing that he thereb seated hi%sel"
u!on the cru!!er, a"ter the %anner o" gentle&o%en sitting on horseback. This done, he easil !assed his right leg o,er the saddle,
and !laced hi%sel" like one that rides in crou!. But, said he, it &ere better "or %e to get into the saddle+ then !utting the thu%bs o"
both hands u!on the cru!!er be"ore hi%, and thereu!on leaning hi%sel", as u!on the onl su!!orters o" his bod, he incontinentl
turned heels o,er head in the air, and straight "ound hi%sel" bet&i*t the bo& o" the saddle in a good settle%ent. Then &ith a
so%ersault s!ringing into the air again, he "ell to stand &ith both his "eet close together u!on the saddle, and there %ade abo,e a
hundred "risks, turns, and de%i!o%%ads, &ith his ar%s held out across, and in so doing cried out aloud, $ rage, $ rage, de,ils, $ a%
stark %ad, de,ils, $ a% %ad, hold %e, de,ils, hold %e, hold, de,ils, hold, hold>
Whilst he &as thus ,aulting, the rogues in great astonish%ent said to one another, B cock's death, he is a goblin or a de,il thus
disguised. Ab hoste %aligno libera nos, 3o%ine, and ran a&a in a "ull "light, as i" the had been routed, looking no& and then
behind the%, like a dog that carrieth a&a a goose-&ing in his %outh. Then G%nast, s!ing his ad,antage, alighted "ro% his
horse, dre& his s&ord, and laid on great blo&s u!on the thickset and highest crested a%ong the%, and o,erthre& the% in great
hea!s, hurt, &ounded, and bruised, being resisted b nobod, the thinking he had been a star,ed de,il, as &ell in regard o" his
&onder"ul "eats in ,aulting, &hich the had seen, as "or the talk Tri!et had &ith hi%, calling hi% !oor de,il. 6nl Tri!et &ould
ha,e traitorousl cle"t his head &ith his horse%an's s&ord, or lance-knight "alchion+ but he &as &ell ar%ed, and "elt nothing o" the
blo& but the &eight o" the stroke. Whereu!on, turning suddenl about, he ga,e Tri!et a ho%e-thrust, and u!on the back o" that,
&hilst he &as about to &ard his head "ro% a slash, he ran hi% in at the breast &ith a hit, &hich at once cut his sto%ach, the "i"th gut
called the colon, and the hal" o" his li,er, &here&ith he "ell to the ground, and in "alling gushed "orth abo,e "our !ottles o" !ottage,
and his soul %ingled &ith the !ottage.
This done, G%nast &ithdre& hi%sel", ,er &isel considering that a case o" great ad,enture and ha<ard should not be !ursued
unto its ut%ost !eriod, and that it beco%es all ca,aliers %odestl to use their good "ortune, &ithout troubling or stretching it too
"ar. Where"ore, getting to horse, he ga,e hi% the s!ur, taking the right &a unto ?auguon, and Prelinguand &ith hi%.
/o& Gargantua de%olished the castle at the "ord o" ?ede, and ho& the !assed the "ord
As soon as he ca%e, he related the estate and condition &herein the had "ound the ene%, and the stratage% &hich he alone had
used against all their %ultitude, a""ir%ing that the &ere but rascall rogues, !lunderers, thie,es, and robbers, ignorant o" all
%ilitar disci!line, and that the %ight boldl set "or&ard unto the "ield+ it being an eas %atter to "ell and strike the% do&n like
beasts. Then Gargantua %ounted his great %are, acco%!anied as &e ha,e said be"ore, and "inding in his &a a high and great tree,
&hich co%%onl &as called b the na%e o" )t. Martin's tree, because hereto"ore )t. Martin !lanted a !ilgri%'s sta"" there, &hich in
tract o" ti%e gre& to that height and greatness, said, This is that &hich $ lacked+ this tree shall ser,e %e both "or a sta"" and lance.
With that he !ulled it u! easil, !lucked o"" the boughs, and tri%%ed it at his !leasure. $n the %eanti%e his %are !issed to ease her
bell, but it &as in such abundance that it did o,er"lo& the countr se,en leagues, and all the !iss o" that urinal "lood ran glib a&a
to&ards the "ord o" ?ede, &here&ith the &ater &as so s&ollen that all the "orces the ene% had there &ere &ith great horror
dro&ned, e*ce!t so%e &ho had taken the &a on the le"t hand to&ards the hills. Gargantua, being co%e to the !lace o" the &ood o"
?ede, &as in"or%ed b ;ude%on that there &as so%e re%ainder o" the ene% &ithin the castle, &hich to kno&, Gargantua cried
out as loud as he &as able, Are ou there, or are ou not there2 $" ou be there, be there no %ore+ and i" ou are not there, $ ha,e no
%ore to sa. But a ru""ian gunner, &hose charge &as to attend the !ortcullis o,er the gate, let "l a cannon-ball at hi%, and hit hi%
&ith that shot %ost "uriousl on the right te%!le o" his head, et did hi% no %ore hurt than i" he had but cast a !rune or kernel o" a
&ine-gra!e at hi%. What is this2 said Gargantua+ do ou thro& at us gra!e-kernels here2 The ,intage shall cost ou dear+ thinking
indeed that the bullet had been the kernel o" a gra!e, or raisin-kernel.
Those &ho &ere &ithin the castle, being till then bus at the !illage, &hen the heard this noise ran to the to&ers and "ortresses,
"ro% &hence the shot at hi% abo,e nine thousand and "i,e-and-t&ent "alconshot and ar(uebusades, ai%ing all at his head, and
so thick did the shoot at hi% that he cried out, Ponocrates, % "riend, these "lies here are like to !ut out %ine ees+ gi,e %e a
branch o" those &illo&-trees to dri,e the% a&a, thinking that the bullets and stones shot out o" the great ordnance had been but
dun"lies. Ponocrates looked and sa& that there &ere no other "lies but great shot &hich the had shot "ro% the castle. Then &as it
that he rushed &ith his great tree against the castle, and &ith %ight blo&s o,erthre& both to&ers and "ortresses, and laid all le,el
&ith the ground, b &hich %eans all that &ere &ithin &ere slain and broken in !ieces. Going "ro% thence, the ca%e to the bridge
at the %ill, &here the "ound all the "ord co,ered &ith dead bodies, so thick that the had choked u! the %ill and sto!!ed the
current o" its &ater, and these &ere those that &ere destroed in the urinal deluge o" the %are. There the &ere at a stand,
consulting ho& the %ight !ass &ithout hindrance b these dead carcasses. But G%nast said, $" the de,ils ha,e !assed there, $
&ill !ass &ell enough. The de,ils ha,e !assed there, said ;ude%on, to carr a&a the da%ned souls. B )t. Treignan> said
Ponocrates, then b necessar conse(uence he shall !ass there. @es, es, said G%nastes, or $ shall stick in the &a. Then setting
s!urs to his horse, he !assed through "reel, his horse not "earing nor being anthing a""righted at the sight o" the dead bodies+ "or
he had accusto%ed hi%, according to the doctrine o" Aelian, not to "ear ar%our, nor the carcasses o" dead %en+ and that not b
killing %en as 3io%edes did the Thracians, or as Blsses did in thro&ing the cor!ses o" his ene%ies at his horse's "eet, as /o%er
saith, but b !utting a .ack-a-lent a%ongst his ha, and %aking hi% go o,er it ordinaril &hen he ga,e hi% his oats. The other
three "ollo&ed hi% ,er close, e*ce!t ;ude%on onl, &hose horse's "ore-right or "ar "ore"oot sank u! to the knee in the !aunch o" a
great "at chu"" &ho la there u!on his back dro&ned, and could not get it out. There &as he !estered, until Gargantua, &ith the end
o" his sta"", thrust do&n the rest o" the ,illain's tri!es into the &ater &hilst the horse !ulled out his "oot+ and, &hich is a &onder"ul
thing in hi!!iatr, the said horse &as thoroughl cured o" a ringbone &hich he had in that "oot b this touch o" the burst guts o" that
great loob.
/o& Gargantua, in co%bing his head, %ade the great cannon-balls "all out o" his hair
Being co%e out o" the ri,er o" ?ede, the ca%e ,er shortl a"ter to Grangousier's castle, &ho &aited "or the% &ith great longing.
At their co%ing the &ere entertained &ith %an congees, and cherished &ith e%braces. 1e,er &as seen a %ore -o"ul co%!an,
"or )u!!le%entu% )u!!le%enti 4hronicoru% saith that Garga%elle died there &ith -o+ "or % !art, trul $ cannot tell, neither do $
care ,er %uch "or her, nor "or anbod else. The truth &as, that Gargantua, in shi"ting his clothes, and co%bing his head &ith a
co%b, &hich &as nine hundred "oot long o" the .e&ish cane %easure, and &hereo" the teeth &ere great tusks o" ele!hants, &hole
and entire, he %ade "all at e,er rake abo,e se,en balls o" bullets, at a do<en the ball, that stuck in his hair at the ra<ing o" the
castle o" the &ood o" ?ede. Which his "ather Grangousier seeing, thought the had been lice, and said unto hi%, What, % dear
son, hast thou brought us this "ar so%e short-&inged ha&ks o" the college o" Montague2 $ did not %ean that thou shouldst reside
there. Then ans&ered Ponocrates, M so,ereign lord, think not that $ ha,e !laced hi% in that lous college &hich the call
Montague+ $ had rather ha,e !ut hi% a%ongst the gra,e-diggers o" )anct $nnocent, so enor%ous is the cruelt and ,illain that $
ha,e kno&n there0 "or the galle-sla,es are "ar better used a%ongst the Moors and Tartars, the %urderers in the cri%inal dungeons,
ea, the ,er dogs in our house, than are the !oor &retched students in the a"oresaid college. And i" $ &ere Aing o" Paris, the de,il
take %e i" $ &ould not set it on "ire, and burn both !rinci!al and regents, "or su""ering this inhu%anit to be e*ercised be"ore their
ees. Then, taking u! one o" these bullets, he said, These are cannon-shot, &hich our son Gargantua hath latel recei,ed b the
treacher o" our ene%ies, as he &as !assing be"ore the &ood o" ?ede.
But the ha,e been so re&arded, that the are all destroed in the ruin o" the castle, as &ere the Philistines b the !olic o"
)a%son, and those &ho% the to&er o" )ilohi% sle&, as it is &ritten in the thirteenth o" =uke. M o!inion is, that &e !ursue the%
&hilst the luck is on our side+ "or occasion hath all her hair on her "orehead+ &hen she is !assed, ou %a not recall her,--she hath
no tu"t &hereb ou can la hold on her, "or she is bald in the hind-!art o" her head, and ne,er returneth again. Trul, said
Grangousier, it shall not be at this ti%e+ "or $ &ill %ake ou a "east this night, and bid ou &elco%e.
This said, the %ade read su!!er, and, o" e*traordinar besides his dail "are, &ere roasted si*teen o*en, three hei"ers, t&o and
thirt cal,es, three score and three "at kids, "our score and "i"teen &ethers, three hundred "arro& !igs or sheats soused in s&eet
&ine or %ust, ele,en score !artridges, se,en hundred sni!es and &oodcocks, "our hundred =oudun and 4orn&all ca!ons, si*
thousand !ullets, and as %an !igeons, si* hundred cra%%ed hens, "ourteen hundred le,erets, or oung hares and rabbits, three
hundred and three bu<<ards, and one thousand and se,en hundred cockerels. For ,enison, the could not so suddenl co%e b it,
onl ele,en &ild boars, &hich the Abbot o" Tur!ena sent, and eighteen "allo& deer &hich the =ord o" Gra%ount besto&ed+
together &ith se,en score !heasants, &hich &ere sent b the =ord o" ;ssars+ and so%e do<ens o" (ueests, coushats, ringdo,es, and
&oodcul,ers+ ri,er-"o&l, teals and a&teals, bitterns, courtes, !lo,ers, "rancolins, briganders, trasons, oung la!&ings, ta%e ducks,
sho,ellers, &oodlanders, herons, %oorhens, criels, storks, cane!etiers, oranges, "la%ans, &hich are !haenico!ters, or cri%son-
&inged sea-"o&ls, terrigoles, turkes, arbens, coots, solan-geese, curle&s, ter%agants, and &ater-&agtails, &ith a great deal o"
crea%, curds, and "resh cheese, and store o" sou!, !ottages, and bre&is &ith great ,ariet. Without doubt there &as %eat enough,
and it &as handso%el dressed b )na!sauce, /otch!ot, and Bra,er-uice, Grangousier's cooks. .enkin Trudgea!ace and
4leanglass &ere ,er care"ul to "ill the% drink.
/o& Gargantua did eat u! si* !ilgri%s in a salad
The stor re(uireth that &e relate that &hich ha!!ened unto si* !ilgri%s &ho ca%e "ro% )ebastian near to 1antes, and &ho "or
shelter that night, being a"raid o" the ene%, had hid the%sel,es in the garden u!on the chichling !eas, a%ong the cabbages and
lettuces. Gargantua "inding hi%sel" so%e&hat dr, asked &hether the could get an lettuce to %ake hi% a salad+ and hearing that
there &ere the greatest and "airest in the countr, "or the &ere as great as !lu%-trees or as &alnut-trees, he &ould go thither
hi%sel", and brought thence in his hand &hat he thought good, and &ithal carried a&a the si* !ilgri%s, &ho &ere in so great "ear
that the did not dare to s!eak nor cough.
Washing the%, there"ore, "irst at the "ountain, the !ilgri%s said one to another so"tl, What shall &e do2 We are al%ost dro&ned
here a%ongst these lettuce, shall &e s!eak2 But i" &e s!eak, he &ill kill us "or s!ies. And, as the &ere thus deliberating &hat to
do, Gargantua !ut the% &ith the lettuce into a !latter o" the house, as large as the huge tun o" the White Friars o" the 4istercian
order+ &hich done, &ith oil, ,inegar, and salt, he ate the% u!, to re"resh hi%sel" a little be"ore su!!er, and had alread s&allo&ed
u! "i,e o" the !ilgri%s, the si*th being in the !latter, totall hid under a lettuce, e*ce!t his bourdon or sta"" that a!!eared, and
nothing else. Which Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, $ think that is the horn o" a shell-snail, do not eat it. Wh not2 said
Gargantua, the are good all this %onth0 &hich he no sooner said, but, dra&ing u! the sta"", and there&ith taking u! the !ilgri%, he
ate hi% ,er &ell, then drank a terrible draught o" e*cellent &hite &ine. The !ilgri%s, thus de,oured, %ade shi"t to sa,e
the%sel,es as &ell as the could, b &ithdra&ing their bodies out o" the reach o" the grinders o" his teeth, but could not esca!e
"ro% thinking the had been !ut in the lo&est dungeon o" a !rison. And &hen Gargantua &hi""ed the great draught, the thought to
ha,e been dro&ned in his %outh, and the "lood o" &ine had al%ost carried the% a&a into the gul" o" his sto%ach. 1e,ertheless,
ski!!ing &ith their bourdons, as )t. Michael's !al%ers use to do, the sheltered the%sel,es "ro% the danger o" that inundation
under the banks o" his teeth. But one o" the% b chance, gro!ing or sounding the countr &ith his sta"", to tr &hether the &ere in
sa"et or no, struck hard against the cle"t o" a hollo& tooth, and hit the %andibular sine& or ner,e o" the -a&, &hich !ut
Gargantua to ,er great !ain, so that he began to cr "or the rage that he "elt. To ease hi%sel" there"ore o" his s%arting ache, he
called "or his tooth!icker, and rubbing to&ards a oung &alnut-tree, &here the la skulking, unnestled ou % gentle%en
!ilgri%s.
For he caught one b the legs, another b the scri!, another b the !ocket, another b the scar", another b the band o" the
breeches, and the !oor "ello& that had hurt hi% &ith the bourdon, hi% he hooked to hi% b the cod!iece, &hich snatch
ne,ertheless did hi% a great deal o" good, "or it !ierced unto hi% a !ock botch he had in the groin, &hich grie,ousl tor%ented
hi% e,er since the &ere !ast Ancenis. The !ilgri%s, thus dislodged, ran a&a ath&art the !lain a !rett "ast !ace, and the !ain
ceased, e,en -ust at the ti%e &hen b ;ude%on he &as called to su!!er, "or all &as read. $ &ill go then, said he, and !iss a&a %
%is"ortune+ &hich he did do in such a co!ious %easure, that the urine taking a&a the "eet "ro% the !ilgri%s, the &ere carried
along &ith the strea% unto the bank o" a tu"t o" trees. B!on &hich, as soon as the had taken "ooting, and that "or their sel"-
!reser,ation the had run a little out o" the road, the on a sudden "ell all si*, e*ce!t Fourniller, into a tra! that had been %ade to
take &ol,es b a train, out o" &hich, ne,ertheless, the esca!ed b the industr o" the said Fourniller, &ho broke all the snares and
ro!es. Being gone "ro% thence, the la all the rest o" that night in a lodge near unto 4oudra, &here the &ere co%"orted in their
%iseries b the gracious &ords o" one o" their co%!an, called )&eer-to-go, &ho sho&ed the% that this ad,enture had been
"oretold b the !ro!het 3a,id, Psal%. Cuu% e*surgerent ho%ines in nos, "orte ,i,os deglutissent nos+ &hen &e &ere eaten in the
salad, &ith salt, oil, and ,inegar. Cuu% irasceretur "uror eoru% in nos, "orsitan a(ua absorbuisset nos+ &hen he drank the great
draught. Torrente% !ertransi,it ani%a nostra+ &hen the strea% o" his &ater carried us to the thicket. Forsitan !ertransisset ani%a
nostra a(ua% intolerabile%+ that is, the &ater o" his urine, the "lood &hereo", cutting our &a, took our "eet "ro% us. Benedictus
3o%inus (ui non dedit nos in ca!tione% dentibus eoru%. Ani%a nostra sicut !asser ere!ta est de la(ueo ,enantiu%+ &hen &e "ell
in the tra!. =a(ueus contritus est, b Fourniller, et nos liberati su%us. Ad-utoriu% nostru%, 5c.
/o& the Monk &as "easted b Gargantua, and o" the -o,ial discourse the had at su!!er
When Gargantua &as set do&n at table, a"ter all o" the% had so%e&hat staed their sto%achs b a snatch or t&o o" the "irst bits
eaten heartil, Grangousier began to relate the source and cause o" the &ar raised bet&een hi% and Picrochole+ and ca%e to tell
ho& Friar .ohn o" the Funnels had triu%!hed at the de"ence o" the close o" the abbe, and e*tolled hi% "or his ,alour abo,e
4a%illus, )ci!io, Po%!e, 4aesar, and The%istocles. Then Gargantua desired that he %ight be !resentl sent "or, to the end that
&ith hi% the %ight consult o" &hat &as to be done. Whereu!on, b a -oint consent, his ste&ard &ent "or hi%, and brought hi%
along %erril, &ith his sta"" o" the cross, u!on Grangousier's %ule. When he &as co%e, a thousand huggings, a thousand
e%brace%ents, a thousand good das &ere gi,en. /a, Friar .ohn, % "riend Friar .ohn, % bra,e cousin Friar .ohn "ro% the de,il>
=et %e cli! thee, % heart, about the neck+ to %e an ar%"ul. $ %ust gri! thee, % ballock, till th back crack &ith it. 4o%e, %
cod, let %e coll thee till $ kill thee. And Friar .ohn, the gladdest %an in the &orld, ne,er &as %an %ade &elco%er, ne,er &as an
%ore courteousl and graciousl recei,ed than Friar .ohn. 4o%e, co%e, said Gargantua, a stool here close b %e at this end. $ a%
content, said the %onk, seeing ou &ill ha,e it so. )o%e &ater, !age+ "ill, % bo, "ill+ it is to re"resh % li,er. Gi,e %e so%e,
child, to gargle % throat &ithal. 3e!osita ca!!a, said G%nast, let us !ull o"" this "rock. /o, b G--, gentle%en, said the %onk,
there is a cha!ter in )tatutis 6rdinis &hich o!!oseth % laing o" it do&n. Pish> said G%nast, a "ig "or our cha!ter> This "rock
breaks both our shoulders, !ut it o"". M "riend, said the %onk, let %e alone &ith it+ "or, b G--, $'ll drink the better that it is on. $t
%akes all % bod -ocund. $" $ should la it aside, the &aggish !ages &ould cut to the%sel,es garters out o" it, as $ &as once
ser,ed at 4oulaines. And, &hich is &orse, $ shall lose % a!!etite. But i" in this habit $ sit do&n at table, $ &ill drink, b G--, both
to thee and to th horse, and so courage, "rolic, God sa,e the co%!an> $ ha,e alread su!!ed, et &ill $ eat ne,er a &hit the less
"or that+ "or $ ha,e a !a,ed sto%ach, as hollo& as a butt o" %al,oisie or )t. Benedictus' boot #butt', and al&as o!en like a la&er's
!ouch. 6" all "ishes but the tench take the &ing o" a !artridge or the thigh o" a nun. 3oth not he die like a good "ello& that dies
&ith a sti"" catso2 6ur !rior lo,es e*ceedingl the &hite o" a ca!on. $n that, said G%nast, he doth not rese%ble the "o*es+ "or o"
the ca!ons, hens, and !ullets &hich the carr a&a the ne,er eat the &hite. Wh2 said the %onk. Because, said G%nast, the
ha,e no cooks to dress the%+ and, i" the be not co%!etentl %ade read, the re%ain red and not &hite+ the redness o" %eats
being a token that the ha,e not got enough o" the "ire, &hether b boiling, roasting, or other&ise, e*ce!t the shri%!s, lobsters,
crabs, and cra"ishes, &hich are cardinali<ed &ith boiling. B God's "east-ga<ers, said the %onk, the !orter o" our abbe then hath
not his head &ell boiled, "or his ees are as red as a %a<er %ade o" an alder-tree. The thigh o" this le,eret is good "or those that
ha,e the gout. To the !ur!ose o" the truel,--&hat is the reason that the thighs o" a gentle&o%an are al&as "resh and cool2 This
!roble%, said Gargantua, is neither in Aristotle, in Ale*ander A!hrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are three causes, said the %onk,
b &hich that !lace is naturall re"reshed. Pri%o, because the &ater runs all along b it. )ecundo, because it is a shad !lace,
obscure and dark, u!on &hich the sun ne,er shines. And thirdl, because it is continuall "labbelled, blo&n u!on, and aired b the
north &inds o" the hole arstick, the "an o" the s%ock, and "li!"la! o" the cod!iece. And lust, % lads. )o%e bousing li(uor, !age>
)o> crack, crack, crack. 6 ho& good is God, that gi,es us o" this e*cellent -uice> $ call hi% to &itness, i" $ had been in the ti%e o"
.esus 4hrist, $ &ould ha,e ke!t hi% "ro% being taken b the .e&s in the garden o" 6li,et. And the de,il "ail %e, i" $ should ha,e
"ailed to cut o"" the ha%s o" these gentle%en a!ostles &ho ran a&a so basel a"ter the had &ell su!!ed, and le"t their good
%aster in the lurch. $ hate that %an &orse than !oison that o""ers to run a&a &hen he should "ight and la stoutl about hi%. 6h
that $ &ere but Aing o" France "or "ourscore or a hundred ears> B G--, $ should &hi! like curtail-dogs these runa&as o" Pa,ia. A
!lague take the%+ &h did the not choose rather to die there than to lea,e their good !rince in that !inch and necessit2 $s it not
better and %ore honourable to !erish in "ighting ,aliantl than to li,e in disgrace b a co&ardl running a&a2 We are like to eat
no great store o" goslings this ear+ there"ore, "riend, reach %e so%e o" that roasted !ig there.
3ia,olo, is there no %ore %ust2 1o %ore s&eet &ine2 Ger%ina,it radi* .esse. .e renie %a ,ie, -e %eurs de soi"+ $ renounce %
li"e, $ rage "or thirst. This &ine is none o" the &orst. What &ine drink ou at Paris2 $ gi,e %sel" to the de,il, i" $ did not once kee!
o!en house at Paris "or all co%ers si* %onths together. 3o ou kno& Friar 4laude o" the high kilderkins2 6h the good "ello& that
he is> But $ do not kno& &hat "l hath stung hi% o" late, he is beco%e so hard a student. For % !art, $ stud not at all. $n our
abbe &e ne,er stud "or "ear o" the %u%!s, &hich disease in horses is called the %ourning in the chine. 6ur late abbot &as &ont
to sa that it is a %onstrous thing to see a learned %onk. B G--, %aster, % "riend, Magis %agnos clericos non sunt %agis %agnos
sa!ientes. @ou ne,er sa& so %an hares as there are this ear. $ could not an&here co%e b a gosha&k nor tassel o" "alcon. M
=ord Belloniere !ro%ised %e a lanner, but he &rote to %e not long ago that he &as beco%e !urs. The !artridges &ill so %ulti!l
hence"orth, that the &ill go near to eat u! our ears. $ take no delight in the stalking-horse, "or $ catch such cold that $ a% like to
"ounder %sel" at that s!ort. $" $ do not run, toil, tra,el, and trot about, $ a% not &ell at ease. True it is that in lea!ing o,er the
hedges and bushes % "rock lea,es al&as so%e o" its &ool behind it. $ ha,e reco,ered a daint grehound+ $ gi,e hi% to the de,il,
i" he su""er a hare to esca!e hi%. A groo% &as leading hi% to % =ord /untlittle, and $ robbed hi% o" hi%. 3id $ ill2 1o, Friar
.ohn, said G%nast, no, b all the de,ils that are, no> )o, said the %onk, do $ attest these sa%e de,ils so long as the last, or rather,
,irtue #o"' G--, &hat could that gout li%!ard ha,e done &ith so "ine a dog2 B the bod o" G--, he is better !leased &hen one
!resents hi% &ith a good oke o" o*en. /o& no&, said Ponocrates, ou s&ear, Friar .ohn. $t is onl, said the %onk, but to grace
and adorn % s!eech. The are colours o" a 4iceronian rhetoric.
Wh %onks are the outcasts o" the &orld+ and &here"ore so%e ha,e bigger noses than others
B the "aith o" a 4hristian, said ;ude%on, $ do &onder"ull dote and enter in a great ecstas &hen $ consider the honest and good
"ello&shi! o" this %onk, "or he %akes us here all %err. /o& is it, then, that the e*clude the %onks "ro% all good co%!anies,
calling the% "east-troublers, %arrers o" %irth, and disturbers o" all ci,il con,ersation, as the bees dri,e a&a the drones "ro% their
hi,es2 $gna,u% "ucos !ecus, said Maro, a !raese!ibus arcent. /ereunto, ans&ered Gargantua, there is nothing so true as that the
"rock and co&l dra& unto itsel" the o!!robries, in-uries, and %aledictions o" the &orld, -ust as the &ind called 4ecias attracts the
clouds. The !ere%!tor reason is, because the eat the ordure and e*cre%ents o" the &orld, that is to sa, the sins o" the !eo!le,
and, like dung-che&ers and e*cre%entitious eaters, the are cast into the !ri,ies and secessi,e !laces, that is, the con,ents and
abbes, se!arated "ro% !olitical con,ersation, as the -akes and retreats o" a house are. But i" ou concei,e ho& an a!e in a "a%il
is al&as %ocked and !ro,okingl incensed, ou shall easil a!!rehend ho& %onks are shunned o" all %en, both oung and old.
The a!e kee!s not the house as a dog doth, he dra&s not in the !lough as the o*, he ields neither %ilk nor &ool as the shee!, he
carrieth no burden as a horse doth. That &hich he doth, is onl to conskite, s!oil, and de"ile all, &hich is the cause &here"ore he
hath o" all %en %ocks, "ru%!eries, and bastinadoes.
A"ter the sa%e %anner a %onk--$ %ean those lither, idle, la< %onks--doth not labour and &ork, as do the !easant and arti"icer+
doth not &ard and de"end the countr, as doth the %an o" &ar+ cureth not the sick and diseased, as the !hsician doth+ doth neither
!reach nor teach, as do the e,angelical doctors and school%asters+ doth not i%!ort co%%odities and things necessar "or the
co%%on&ealth, as the %erchant doth. There"ore is it that b and o" all %en the are hooted at, hated, and abhorred. @ea, but, said
Grangousier, the !ra to God "or us. 1othing less, ans&ered Gargantua. True it is, that &ith a tingle tangle -angling o" bells the
trouble and dis(uiet all their neighbours about the%. Right, said the %onk+ a %ass, a %atin, a ,es!er &ell rung, are hal" said. The
%u%ble out great store o" legends and !sal%s, b the% not at all understood+ the sa %an !aternosters interlarded &ith A,e-
Maries, &ithout thinking u!on or a!!rehending the %eaning o" &hat it is the sa, &hich trul $ call %ocking o" God, and not
!raers. But so hel! the% God, as the !ra "or us, and not "or being a"raid to lose their ,ictuals, their %anchots, and good "at
!ottage. All true 4hristians, o" all estates and conditions, in all !laces and at all ti%es, send u! their !raers to God, and the
Mediator !raeth and intercedeth "or the%, and God is gracious to the%. 1o& such a one is our good Friar .ohn+ there"ore e,er
%an desireth to ha,e hi% in his co%!an. /e is no bigot or h!ocrite+ he is not torn and di,ided bet&i*t realit and a!!earance+ no
&retch o" a rugged and !ee,ish dis!osition, but honest, -o,ial, resolute, and a good "ello&. /e tra,els, he labours, he de"ends the
o!!ressed, co%"orts the a""licted, hel!s the need, and kee!s the close o" the abbe. 1a, said the %onk, $ do a great deal %ore than
that+ "or &hilst &e are in des!atching our %atins and anni,ersaries in the choir, $ %ake &ithal so%e crossbo&-strings, !olish glass
bottles and bolts, $ t&ist lines and &ea,e !urse nets &herein to catch cones. $ a% ne,er idle. But no&, hither co%e, so%e drink,
so%e drink here> Bring the "ruit. These chestnuts are o" the &ood o" ;stro*, and &ith good ne& &ine are able to %ake ou a "ine
cracker and co%!oser o" bu%-sonnets. @ou are not as et, it see%s, &ell %oistened in this house &ith the s&eet &ine and %ust. B
G--, $ drink to all %en "reel, and at all "ords, like a !roctor or !ro%oter's horse. Friar .ohn, said G%nast, take a&a the snot that
hangs at our nose. /a, ha, said the %onk, a% not $ in danger o" dro&ning, seeing $ a% in &ater e,en to the nose2 1o, no, Cuare2
Cuia, though so%e &ater co%e out "ro% thence, there ne,er goes in an+ "or it is &ell antidoted &ith !ot-!roo" ar%our and sru!
o" the ,ine-lea".
6h, % "riend, he that hath &inter-boots %ade o" such leather %a boldl "ish "or osters, "or the &ill ne,er take &ater. What is
the cause, said Gargantua, that Friar .ohn hath such a "air nose2 Because, said Grangousier, that God &ould ha,e it so, &ho
"ra%eth us in such "or% and "or such end as is %ost agreeable &ith his di,ine &ill, e,en as a !otter "ashioneth his ,essels. Because,
said Ponocrates, he ca%e &ith the "irst to the "air o" noses, and there"ore %ade choice o" the "airest and the greatest. Pish, said the
%onk, that is not the reason o" it, but, according to the true %onastical !hiloso!h, it is because % nurse had so"t teats, b ,irtue
&hereo", &hilst she ga,e %e suck, % nose did sink in as in so %uch butter. The hard breasts o" nurses %ake children short-nosed.
But he, ga, Ad "or%a% nasi cognoscitur ad te le,a,i. $ ne,er eat an con"ections, !age, &hilst $ a% at the bibber. $te%, bring %e
rather so%e toasts.
/o& the Monk %ade Gargantua slee!, and o" his hours and bre,iaries
)u!!er being ended, the consulted o" the business in hand, and concluded that about %idnight the should "all una&ares u!on the
ene%, to kno& &hat %anner o" &atch and &ard the ke!t, and that in the %ean&hile the should take a little rest the better to
re"resh the%sel,es. But Gargantua could not slee! b an %eans, on &hich side soe,er he turned hi%sel". Whereu!on the %onk
said to hi%, $ ne,er slee! soundl but &hen $ a% at ser%on or !raers. =et us there"ore begin, ou and $, the se,en !enitential
!sal%s, to tr &hether ou shall not (uickl "all aslee!. The conceit !leased Gargantua ,er &ell, and, beginning the "irst o" these
!sal%s, as soon as the ca%e to the &ords Beati (uoru% the "ell aslee!, both the one and the other. But the %onk, "or his being
"or%erl accusto%ed to the hour o" claustral %atins, "ailed not to a&ake a little be"ore %idnight, and, being u! hi%sel", a&aked all
the rest, in singing aloud, and &ith a "ull clear ,oice, the song0
A&ake, 6 Reinian, ho, a&ake>
A&ake, 6 Reinian, ho>
Get u!, ou no %ore slee! %ust take+
Get u!, "or &e %ust go.
When the &ere all roused and u!, he said, M %asters, it is a usual saing, that &e begin %atins &ith coughing and su!!er &ith
drinking. =et us no&, in doing clean contraril, begin our %atins &ith drinking, and at night be"ore su!!er &e shall cough as hard
as &e can. What, said Gargantua, to drink so soon a"ter slee!2 This is not to li,e according to the diet and !rescri!t rule o" the
!hsicians, "or ou ought "irst to scour and cleanse our sto%ach o" all its su!er"luities and e*cre%ents. 6h, &ell !hsicked, said
the %onk+ a hundred de,ils lea! into % bod, i" there be not %ore old drunkards than old !hsicians> $ ha,e %ade this !action and
co,enant &ith % a!!etite, that it al&as lieth do&n and goes to bed &ith %sel", "or to that $ e,er da gi,e ,er good order+ then
the ne*t %orning it also riseth &ith %e and gets u! &hen $ a% a&ake. Mind ou our charges, gentle%en, or tend our cures as
%uch as ou &ill. $ &ill get %e to % dra&er+ in ter%s o" "alconr, % tiring. What dra&er or tiring do ou %ean2 said Gargantua.
M bre,iar, said the %onk, "or -ust as the "alconers, be"ore the "eed their ha&ks, do %ake the% dra& at a hen's leg to !urge their
brains o" !hleg% and shar!en the% to a good a!!etite, so, b taking this %err little bre,iar in the %orning, $ scour all % lungs
and a% !resentl read to drink.
A"ter &hat %anner, said Gargantua, do ou sa these "air hours and !raers o" ours2 A"ter the %anner o" Whi!"ield #Fesseca%!,
and corru!tl Fecan.', said the %onk, b three !sal%s and three lessons, or nothing at all, he that &ill. $ ne,er tie %sel" to hours,
!raers, and sacra%ents+ "or the are %ade "or the %an and not the %an "or the%. There"ore is it that $ %ake % !raers in "ashion
o" stirru!-leathers+ $ shorten or lengthen the% &hen $ think good. Bre,is oratio !enetrat caelos et longa !otatio e,acuat sc!hos.
Where is that &ritten2 B % "aith, said Ponocrates, $ cannot tell, % !illicock, but thou art %ore &orth than gold. Therein, said
the %onk, $ a% like ou+ but, ,enite, a!ote%us. Then %ade the read store o" carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and good "at
sou!s, or bre&is &ith si!!ets+ and the %onk drank &hat he !leased. )o%e ke!t hi% co%!an, and the rest did "orbear, "or their
sto%achs &ere not as et o!ened. A"ter&ards e,er %an began to ar% and be"it hi%sel" "or the "ield. And the ar%ed the %onk
against his &ill+ "or he desired no other ar%our "or back and breast but his "rock, nor an other &ea!on in his hand but the sta"" o"
the cross. @et at their !leasure &as he co%!letel ar%ed ca!-a-!ie, and %ounted u!on one o" the best horses in the kingdo%, &ith a
good slashing shable b his side, together &ith Gargantua, Ponocrates, G%nast, ;ude%on, and "i,e-and-t&ent %ore o" the %ost
resolute and ad,enturous o" Grangousier's house, all ar%ed at !roo" &ith their lances in their hands, %ounted like )t. George, and
e,erone o" the% ha,ing an ar(uebusier behind hi%.
/o& the Monk encouraged his "ello&-cha%!ions, and ho& he hanged u!on a tree
Thus &ent out those ,aliant cha%!ions on their ad,enture, in "ull resolution to kno& &hat enter!rise the should undertake, and
&hat to take heed o" and look &ell to in the da o" the great and horrible battle. And the %onk encouraged the%, saing, M
children, do not "ear nor doubt, $ &ill conduct ou sa"el. God and )anct Benedict be &ith us> $" $ had strength ans&erable to %
courage, b's death, $ &ould !lu%e the% "or ou like ducks. $ "ear nothing but the great ordnance+ et $ kno& o" a char% b &a o"
!raer, &hich the subse*ton o" our abbe taught %e, that &ill !reser,e a %an "ro% the ,iolence o" guns and all %anner o" "ire-
&ea!ons and engines+ but it &ill do %e no good, because $ do not belie,e it. 1e,ertheless, $ ho!e % sta"" o" the cross shall this
da !la de,ilish !ranks a%ongst the%. B G--, &hoe,er o" our !art shall o""er to !la the duck, and shrink &hen blo&s are a-
dealing, $ gi,e %sel" to the de,il, i" $ do not %ake a %onk o" hi% in % stead, and ha%!er hi% &ithin % "rock, &hich is a
so,ereign cure against co&ardice. 3id ou ne,er hear o" % =ord Meurles his grehound, &hich &as not &orth a stra& in the
"ields2 /e !ut a "rock about his neck0 b the bod o" G--, there &as neither hare nor "o* that could esca!e hi%, and, &hich is %ore,
he lined all the bitches in the countr, though be"ore that he &as "eeble-reined and e* "rigidis et %ale"iciatis.
The %onk uttering these &ords in choler, as he !assed under a &alnut-tree, in his &a to&ards the cause, he broached the ,i<or o"
his hel%et on the stu%! o" a great branch o" the said tree. 1e,ertheless, he set his s!urs so "iercel to the horse, &ho &as "ull o"
%ettle and (uick on the s!ur, that he bounded "or&ards, and the %onk going about to ungra!!le his ,i<or, let go his hold o" the
bridle, and so hanged b his hand u!on the bough, &hilst his horse stole a&a "ro% under hi%. B this %eans &as the %onk le"t
hanging on the &alnut-tree, and cring "or hel!, %urder, %urder, s&earing also that he &as betraed. ;ude%on !ercei,ed hi% "irst,
and calling Gargantua said, )ir, co%e and see Absalo% hanging. Gargantua, being co%e, considered the countenance o" the %onk,
and in &hat !osture he hanged+ &here"ore he said to ;ude%on, @ou &ere %istaken in co%!aring hi% to Absalo%+ "or Absalo%
hung b his hair, but this sha,eling %onk hangeth b the ears. /el! %e, said the %onk, in the de,il's na%e+ is this a ti%e "or ou to
!rate2 @ou see% to %e to be like the decretalist !reachers, &ho sa that &hosoe,er shall see his neighbour in the danger o" death,
ought, u!on !ain o" trisulk e*co%%unication, rather choose to ad%onish hi% to %ake his con"ession to a !riest, and !ut his
conscience in the state o" !eace, than other&ise to hel! and relie,e hi%.
And there"ore &hen $ shall see the% "allen into a ri,er, and read to be dro&ned, $ shall %ake the% a "air long ser%on de
conte%!tu %undi, et "uga seculi+ and &hen the are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and succour in "ishing a"ter the%. Be
(uiet, said G%nast, and stir not, % %inion. $ a% no& co%ing to unhang thee and to set thee at "reedo%, "or thou art a !rett little
gentle %onachus. Monachus in claustro non ,alet o,a duo+ sed (uando est e*tra, bene ,alet triginta. $ ha,e seen abo,e "i,e
hundred hanged, but $ ne,er sa& an ha,e a better countenance in his dangling and !endilator s&agging. Trul, i" $ had so good a
one, $ &ould &illingl hang thus all % li"eti%e. What, said the %onk, ha,e ou al%ost done !reaching2 /el! %e, in the na%e o"
God, seeing ou &ill not in the na%e o" the other s!irit, or, b the habit &hich $ &ear, ou shall re!ent it, te%!ore et loco
!raelibatis.
Then G%nast alighted "ro% his horse, and, cli%bing u! the &alnut-tree, li"ted u! the %onk &ith one hand b the gussets o" his
ar%our under the ar%!its, and &ith the other undid his ,i<or "ro% the stu%! o" the broken branch+ &hich done, he let hi% "all to
the ground and hi%sel" a"ter. As soon as the %onk &as do&n, he !ut o"" all his ar%our, and thre& a&a one !iece a"ter another
about the "ield, and, taking to hi% again his sta"" o" the cross, re%ounted u! to his horse, &hich ;ude%on had caught in his
running a&a. Then &ent the on %erril, riding along on the high&a.
/o& the scouts and "ore-!art o" Picrochole &ere %et &ith b Gargantua, and ho& the Monk sle& 4a!tain 3ra&"orth, and then
&as taken !risoner b his ene%ies
Picrochole, at the relation o" those &ho had esca!ed out o" the broil and de"eat &herein Tri!et &as untri!ed, gre& ,er angr that
the de,ils should ha,e so run u!on his %en, and held all that night a counsel o" &ar, at &hich Rashcal" and Touch"aucet
#/asti,eau, Tou(uedillon.', concluded his !o&er to be such that he &as able to de"eat all the de,ils o" hell i" the should co%e to
-ostle &ith his "orces. This Picrochole did not "ull belie,e, though he doubted not %uch o" it. There"ore sent he under the
co%%and and conduct o" the 4ount 3ra&"orth, "or disco,ering o" the countr, the nu%ber o" si*teen hundred horse%en, all &ell
%ounted u!on light horses "or skir%ish and thoroughl bes!rinkled &ith hol &ater+ and e,erone "or their "ield-%ark or
cogni<ance had the sign o" a star in his scar", to ser,e at all ad,entures in case the should ha!!en to encounter &ith de,ils, that b
the ,irtue, as &ell o" that Gregorian &ater as o" the stars &hich the &ore, the %ight %ake the% disa!!ear and e,anish.
$n this e(ui!age the %ade an e*cursion u!on the countr till the ca%e near to the ?auguon, &hich is the ,alle o" Guon, and
to the s!ital, but could ne,er "ind anbod to s!eak unto+ &hereu!on the returned a little back, and took occasion to !ass abo,e
the a"oresaid hos!ital to tr &hat intelligence the could co%e b in those !arts. $n &hich resolution riding on, and b chance in a
!astoral lodge or she!herd's cottage near to 4oudra hitting u!on the "i,e !ilgri%s, the carried the% &a-bound and %anacled, as
i" the had been s!ies, "or all the e*cla%ations, ad-urations, and re(uests that the could %ake. Being co%e do&n "ro% thence
to&ards )e,ille, the &ere heard b Gargantua, &ho said then unto those that &ere &ith hi%, 4o%rades and "ello&-soldiers, &e
ha,e here %et &ith an encounter, and the are ten ti%es in nu%ber %ore than &e. )hall &e charge the% or no2 What a de,il, said
the %onk, shall &e do else2 3o ou estee% %en b their nu%ber rather than b their ,alour and !ro&ess2 With this he cried out,
4harge, de,ils, charge> Which &hen the ene%ies heard, the thought certainl that the had been ,er de,ils, and there"ore e,en
then began all o" the% to run a&a as hard as the could dri,e, 3ra&"orth onl e*ce!ted, &ho i%%ediatel settled his lance on its
rest, and there&ith hit the %onk &ith all his "orce on the ,er %iddle o" his breast, but, co%ing against his horri"ic "rock, the !oint
o" the iron being &ith the blo& either broke o"" or blunted, it &as in %atter o" e*ecution as i" ou had struck against an an,il &ith a
little &a*-candle.
Then did the %onk &ith his sta"" o" the cross gi,e hi% such a sturd thu%! and &hirret bet&i*t his neck and shoulders, u!on the
acro%ion bone, that he %ade hi% lose both sense and %otion and "all do&n stone dead at his horse's "eet+ and, seeing the sign o"
the star &hich he &ore scar"&ise, he said unto Gargantua, These %en are but !riests, &hich is but the beginning o" a %onk+ b )t.
.ohn, $ a% a !er"ect %onk, $ &ill kill the% to ou like "lies. Then ran he a"ter the% at a s&i"t and "ull gallo! till he o,ertook the
rear, and "elled the% do&n like tree-lea,es, striking ath&art and alongst and e,er &a. G%nast !resentl asked Gargantua i" the
should !ursue the%. To &ho% Gargantua ans&ered, B no %eans+ "or, according to right %ilitar disci!line, ou %ust ne,er dri,e
our ene% unto des!air, "or that such a strait doth %ulti!l his "orce and increase his courage, &hich &as be"ore broken and cast
do&n+ neither is there an better hel! or outrage o" relie" "or %en that are a%a<ed, out o" heart, toiled, and s!ent, than to ho!e "or
no "a,our at all. /o& %an ,ictories ha,e been taken out o" the hands o" the ,ictors b the ,an(uished, &hen the &ould not rest
satis"ied &ith reason, but atte%!t to !ut all to the s&ord, and totall to destro their ene%ies, &ithout lea,ing so %uch as one to
carr ho%e ne&s o" the de"eat o" his "ello&s. 6!en, there"ore, unto our ene%ies all the gates and &as, and %ake to the% a
bridge o" sil,er rather than "ail, that ou %a be rid o" the%. @ea, but, said G%nast, the ha,e the %onk. /a,e the the %onk2
said Gargantua. B!on %ine honour, then, it &ill !ro,e to their cost. But to !re,ent all dangers, let us not et retreat, but halt here
(uietl as in an a%bush+ "or $ think $ do alread understand the !olic and -udg%ent o" our ene%ies. The are trul %ore directed
b chance and %ere "ortune than b good ad,ice and counsel. $n the %ean&hile, &hilst these %ade a sto! under the &alnut-trees,
the %onk !ursued on the chase, charging all he o,ertook, and gi,ing (uarter to none, until he %et &ith a troo!er &ho carried
behind hi% one o" the !oor !ilgri%s, and there &ould ha,e ri"led hi%. The !ilgri%, in ho!e o" relie" at the sight o" the %onk, cried
out, /a, % lord !rior, % good "riend, % lord !rior, sa,e %e, $ beseech ou, sa,e %e> Which &ords being heard b those that
rode in the ,an, the instantl "aced about, and seeing there &as nobod but the %onk that %ade this great ha,oc and slaughter
a%ong the%, the loaded hi% &ith blo&s as thick as the use to do an ass &ith &ood. But o" all this he "elt nothing, es!eciall
&hen the struck u!on his "rock, his skin &as so hard. Then the co%%itted hi% to t&o o" the %arshal's %en to kee!, and, looking
about, sa& nobod co%ing against the%, &hereu!on the thought that Gargantua and his !art &ere "led. Then &as it that the
rode as hard as the could to&ards the &alnut-trees to %eet &ith the%, and le"t the %onk there all alone, &ith his t&o "oresaid %en
to guard hi%. Gargantua heard the noise and neighing o" the horses, and said to his %en, 4o%rades, $ hear the track and beating o"
the ene%'s horse-"eet, and &ithal !ercei,e that so%e o" the% co%e in a troo! and "ull bod against us. =et us rall and close here,
then set "or&ard in order, and b this %eans &e shall be able to recei,e their charge to their loss and our honour.
/o& the Monk rid hi%sel" o" his kee!ers, and ho& Picrochole's "orlorn ho!e &as de"eated
The %onk, seeing the% break o"" thus &ithout order, con-ectured that the &ere to set u!on Gargantua and those that &ere &ith
hi%, and &as &onder"ull grie,ed that he could not succour the%. Then considered he the countenance o" the t&o kee!ers in
&hose custod he &as, &ho &ould ha,e &illingl run a"ter the troo!s to get so%e boot and !lunder, and &ere al&as looking
to&ards the ,alle unto &hich the &ere going. Farther, he sllogi<ed, saing, These %en are but badl skilled in %atters o" &ar,
"or the ha,e not re(uired % !arole, neither ha,e the taken % s&ord "ro% %e. )uddenl herea"ter he dre& his brack%ard or
horse%an's s&ord, &here&ith he ga,e the kee!er &hich held hi% on the right side such a sound slash that he cut clean through the
-ugular ,eins and the s!hagitid or trans!arent arteries o" the neck, &ith the "ore-!art o" the throat called the gargareon, e,en unto
the t&o adenes, &hich are throat kernels+ and, redoubling the blo&, he o!ened the s!inal %arro& bet&i*t the second and third
,ertebrae. There "ell do&n that kee!er stark dead to the ground. Then the %onk, reining his horse to the le"t, ran u!on the other,
&ho, seeing his "ello& dead, and the %onk to ha,e the ad,antage o" hi%, cried &ith a loud ,oice, /a, % lord !rior, (uarter+ $
ield, % lord !rior, (uarter+ (uarter, % good "riend, % lord !rior. And the %onk cried like&ise, M lord !osterior, % "riend,
% lord !osterior, ou shall ha,e it u!on our !osterioru%s. /a, said the kee!er, % lord !rior, % %inion, % gentle lord !rior, $
!ra God %ake ou an abbot. B the habit, said the %onk, &hich $ &ear, $ &ill here %ake ou a cardinal. What> do ou use to !a
ranso%s to religious %en2 @ou shall there"ore ha,e b-and-b a red hat o" % gi,ing. And the "ello& cried, /a, % lord !rior, %
lord !rior, % lord abbot that shall be, % lord cardinal, % lord all> /a, ha, hes, no, % lord !rior, % good little lord the !rior, $
ield, render and deli,er %sel" u! to ou. And $ deli,er thee, said the %onk, to all the de,ils in hell. Then at one stroke he cut o""
his head, cutting his scal! u!on the te%!le-bones, and li"ting u! in the u!!er !art o" the skull the t&o triangular bones called
sinci!ital, or the t&o bones breg%atis, together &ith the sagittal co%%issure or dartlike sea% &hich distinguisheth the right side o"
the head "ro% the le"t, as also a great !art o" the coronal or "orehead bone, b &hich terrible blo& like&ise he cut the t&o %eninges
or "il%s &hich en&ra! the brain, and %ade a dee! &ound in the brain's t&o !osterior ,entricles, and the craniu% or skull abode
hanging u!on his shoulders b the skin o" the !ericraniu% behind, in "or% o" a doctor's bonnet, black &ithout and red &ithin. Thus
"ell he do&n also to the ground stark dead.
And !resentl the %onk ga,e his horse the s!ur, and ke!t the &a that the ene% held, &ho had %et &ith Gargantua and his
co%!anions in the broad high&a, and &ere so di%inished o" their nu%ber "or the enor%ous slaughter that Gargantua had %ade
&ith his great tree a%ongst the%, as also G%nast, Ponocrates, ;ude%on, and the rest, that the began to retreat disorderl and in
great haste, as %en altogether a""righted and troubled in both sense and understanding, and as i" the had seen the ,er !ro!er
s!ecies and "or% o" death be"ore their ees+ or rather, as &hen ou see an ass &ith a bri<<e or gadbee under his tail, or "l that
stings hi%, run hither and thither &ithout kee!ing an !ath or &a, thro&ing do&n his load to the ground, breaking his bridle and
reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no %an can tell &hat ails hi%, "or the see not anthing touch hi%. )o "led these !eo!le
destitute o" &it, &ithout kno&ing an cause o" "ling, onl !ursued b a !anic terror &hich in their %inds the had concei,ed. The
%onk, !ercei,ing that their &hole intent &as to betake the%sel,es to their heels, alighted "ro% his horse and got u!on a big large
rock &hich &as in the &a, and &ith his great brack%ard s&ord laid such load u!on those runa&as, and &ith %ain strength
"etching a co%!ass &ith his ar% &ithout "eigning or s!aring, sle& and o,erthre& so %an that his s&ord broke in t&o !ieces. Then
thought he &ithin hi%sel" that he had slain and killed su""icientl, and that the rest should esca!e to carr ne&s. There"ore he took
u! a battle-a*e o" those that la there dead, and got u!on the rock again, !assing his ti%e to see the ene% thus "ling and to
tu%ble hi%sel" a%ongst the dead bodies, onl that he su""ered none to carr !ike, s&ord, lance, nor gun &ith hi%, and those &ho
carried the !ilgri%s bound he %ade to alight, and ga,e their horses unto the said !ilgri%s, kee!ing the% there &ith hi% under the
hedge, and also Touch"aucet, &ho &as then his !risoner.
/o& the Monk carried along &ith hi% the Pilgri%s, and o" the good &ords that Grangousier ga,e the%
This skir%ish being ended, Gargantua retreated &ith his %en, e*ce!ting the %onk, and about the da&ning o" the da the ca%e
unto Grangousier, &ho in his bed &as !raing unto God "or their sa"et and ,ictor. And seeing the% all sa"e and sound, he
e%braced the% lo,ingl, and asked &hat &as beco%e o" the %onk. Gargantua ans&ered hi% that &ithout doubt the ene%ies had
the %onk. Then ha,e the %ischie" and ill luck, said Grangousier+ &hich &as ,er true. There"ore is it a co%%on !ro,erb to this
da, to gi,e a %an the %onk, or, as in French, lui bailler le %oine, &hen the &ould e*!ress the doing unto one a %ischie". Then
co%%anded he a good break"ast to be !ro,ided "or their re"resh%ent. When all &as read, the called Gargantua, but he &as so
aggrie,ed that the %onk &as not to be heard o" that he &ould neither eat nor drink. $n the %ean&hile the %onk co%es, and "ro%
the gate o" the outer court cries out aloud, Fresh &ine, "resh &ine, G%nast % "riend> G%nast &ent out and sa& that it &as Friar
.ohn, &ho brought along &ith hi% "i,e !ilgri%s and Touch"aucet !risoners+ &hereu!on Gargantua like&ise &ent "orth to %eet hi%,
and all o" the% %ade hi% the best &elco%e that !ossibl the could, and brought hi% be"ore Grangousier, &ho asked hi% o" all
his ad,entures. The %onk told hi% all, both ho& he &as taken, ho& he rid hi%sel" o" his kee!ers, o" the slaughter he had %ade b
the &a, and ho& he had rescued the !ilgri%s and brought along &ith hi% 4a!tain Touch"aucet. Then did the altogether "all to
ban(ueting %ost %erril. $n the %eanti%e Grangousier asked the !ilgri%s &hat countr%en the &ere, &hence the ca%e, and
&hither the &ent. )&eer-to-go in the na%e o" the rest ans&ered, M so,ereign lord, $ a% o" )aint Genou in Berr, this %an is o"
Pal,au, this other is o" 6n<a, this o" Arg, this o" )t. 1a<arand, and this %an o" ?illebrenin. We co%e "ro% )aint )ebastian near
1antes, and are no& returning, as &e best %a, b eas -ournes. @ea, but, said Grangousier, &hat &ent ou to do at )aint
)ebastian2 We &ent, said )&eer-to-go, to o""er u! unto that sanct our ,o&s against the !lague. Ah, !oor %en> said Grangousier, do
ou think that the !lague co%es "ro% )aint )ebastian2 @es, trul, ans&ered )&eer-to-go, our !reachers tell us so indeed. But is it
so, said Grangousier, do the "alse !ro!hets teach ou such abuses2 3o the thus blas!he%e the sancts and hol %en o" God, as to
%ake the% like unto the de,ils, &ho do nothing but hurt unto %ankind,--as /o%er &riteth, that the !lague &as sent into the ca%!
o" the Greeks b A!ollo, and as the !oets "eign a great rabble o" ?e-o,es and %ischie,ous gods. )o did a certain ca"ard or
disse%bling religionar !reach at )ina, that )aint Anthon sent the "ire into %en's legs, that )aint ;utro!ius %ade %en hdro!ic,
)aint 4lidas, "ools, and that )aint Genou %ade the% goutish. But $ !unished hi% so e*e%!laril, though he called %e heretic "or it,
that since that ti%e no such h!ocritical rogue durst set his "oot &ithin % territories. And trul $ &onder that our king should
su""er the% in their ser%ons to !ublish such scandalous doctrine in his do%inions+ "or the deser,e to be chastised &ith greater
se,erit than those &ho, b %agical art, or an other de,ice, ha,e brought the !estilence into a countr. The !est killeth but the
bodies, but such abo%inable i%!osters e%!oison our ,er souls. As he s!ake these &ords, in ca%e the %onk ,er resolute, and
asked the%, Whence are ou, ou !oor &retches2 6" )aint Genou, said the. And ho&, said the %onk, does the Abbot Gulligut, the
good drinker,--and the %onks, &hat cheer %ake the2 B G-- bod, the'll ha,e a "ling at our &i,es, and breast the% to so%e
!ur!ose, &hilst ou are u!on our roa%ing rant and gadding !ilgri%age. /in, hen, said )&eer-to-go, $ a% not a"raid o" %ine, "or
he that shall see her b da &ill ne,er break his neck to co%e to her in the night-ti%e. @ea, %arr, said the %onk, no& ou ha,e hit
it. =et her be as ugl as e,er &as Proser!ina, she &ill once, b the =ord G--, be o,erturned, and get her skin-coat shaken, i" there
d&ell an %onks near to her+ "or a good car!enter &ill %ake use o" an kind o" ti%ber. =et %e be !e!!ered &ith the !o*, i" ou
"ind not all our &i,es &ith child at our return+ "or the ,er shado& o" the stee!le o" an abbe is "ruit"ul. $t is, said Gargantua, like
the &ater o" 1ilus in ;g!t, i" ou belie,e )trabo and Plin, =ib. E, ca!. D. What ,irtue &ill there be then, said the %onk, in their
bullets o" concu!iscence, their habits and their bodies2
Then, said Grangousier, go our &as, !oor %en, in the na%e o" God the 4reator, to &ho% $ !ra to guide ou !er!etuall, and
hence"or&ard be not so read to undertake these idle and un!ro"itable -ournes. =ook to our "a%ilies, labour e,er %an in his
,ocation, instruct our children, and li,e as the good a!ostle )t. Paul directeth ou+ in doing &hereo", God, his angels and sancts,
&ill guard and !rotect ou, and no e,il or !lague at an ti%e shall be"all ou. Then Gargantua led the% into the hall to take their
re"ection+ but the !ilgri%s did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua, 6 ho& ha!! is that land &hich hath such a %an "or their
lord> We ha,e been %ore edi"ied and instructed b the talk &hich he had &ith us, than b all the ser%ons that e,er &ere !reached
in our to&n. This is, said Gargantua, that &hich Plato saith, =ib. 9 de Re!ubl., that those co%%on&ealths are ha!!, &hose rulers
!hiloso!hate, and &hose !hiloso!hers rule. Then caused he their &allets to be "illed &ith ,ictuals and their bottles &ith &ine, and
ga,e unto each o" the% a horse to ease the% u!on the &a, together &ith so%e !ence to li,e b.
/o& Grangousier did ,er kindl entertain Touch"aucet his !risoner
Touch"aucet &as !resented unto Grangousier, and b hi% e*a%ined u!on the enter!rise and atte%!t o" Picrochole, &hat it &as he
could !retend to, or ai% at, b the rustling stir and tu%ultuar coil o" this his sudden in,asion. Whereunto he ans&ered, that his
end and !ur!ose &as to con(uer all the countr, i" he could, "or the in-ur done to his cake-bakers. $t is too great an undertaking,
said Grangousier+ and, as the !ro,erb is, /e that gri!s too %uch, holds "ast but little. The ti%e is not no& as "or%erl, to con(uer
the kingdo%s o" our neighbour !rinces, and to build u! our o&n greatness u!on the loss o" our nearest 4hristian Brother. This
i%itation o" the ancient /erculeses, Ale*anders, /annibals, )ci!ios, 4aesars, and other such heroes, is (uite contrar to the
!ro"ession o" the gos!el o" 4hrist, b &hich &e are co%%anded to !reser,e, kee!, rule, and go,ern e,er %an his o&n countr and
lands, and not in a hostile %anner to in,ade others+ and that &hich hereto"ore the Barbars and )aracens called !ro&ess and ,alour,
&e do no& call robbing, thie,er, and &ickedness. $t &ould ha,e been %ore co%%endable in hi% to ha,e contained hi%sel" &ithin
the bounds o" his o&n territories, roall go,erning the%, than to insult and do%ineer in %ine, !illaging and !lundering
e,er&here like a %ost un%erci"ul ene%+ "or, b ruling his o&n &ith discretion, he %ight ha,e increased his greatness, but b
robbing %e he cannot esca!e destruction. Go our &as in the na%e o" God, !rosecute good enter!rises, sho& our king &hat is
a%iss, and ne,er counsel hi% &ith regard unto our o&n !articular !ro"it, "or the !ublic loss &ill s&allo& u! the !ri,ate bene"it.
As "or our ranso%, $ do "reel re%it it to ou, and &ill that our ar%s and horse be restored to ou+ so should good neighbours do,
and ancient "riends, seeing this our di""erence is not !ro!erl &ar. As Plato, =ib. 9 de Re!ub., &ould not ha,e it called &ar, but
sedition, &hen the Greeks took u! ar%s against one another, and that there"ore, &hen such co%bustions should arise a%ongst
the%, his ad,ice &as to beha,e the%sel,es in the %anaging o" the% &ith all discretion and %odest. Although ou call it &ar, it is
but su!er"icial+ it entereth not into the closet and in%ost cabinet o" our hearts. For neither o" us hath been &ronged in his honour,
nor is there an (uestion bet&i*t us in the %ain, but onl ho& to redress, b the be, so%e !ett "aults co%%itted b our %en,--$
%ean, both ours and ours, &hich, although ou kne&, ou ought to let !ass+ "or these (uarrelso%e !ersons deser,e rather to be
conte%ned than %entioned, es!eciall seeing $ o""ered the% satis"action according to the &rong. God shall be the -ust -udge o" our
,ariances, &ho% $ beseech b death rather to take %e out o" this li"e, and to !er%it % goods to !erish and be destroed be"ore
%ine ees, than that b %e or %ine he should in an sort be &ronged. These &ords uttered, he called the %onk, and be"ore the% all
thus s!oke unto hi%, Friar .ohn, % good "riend, it is ou that took !risoner the 4a!tain Touch"aucet here !resent2 )ir, said the
%onk, seeing hi%sel" is here, and that he is o" the ears o" discretion, $ had rather ou should kno& it b his con"ession than b
an &ords o" %ine. Then said Touch"aucet, M so,ereign lord it is he indeed that took %e, and $ do there"ore %ost "reel ield
%sel" his !risoner. /a,e ou !ut hi% to an ranso%2 said Grangousier to the %onk. 1o, said the %onk, o" that $ take no care.
/o& %uch &ould ou ha,e "or ha,ing taken hi%2 1othing, nothing, said the %onk+ $ a% not s&aed b that, nor do $ regard it.
Then Grangousier co%%anded that, in !resence o" Touch"aucet, should be deli,ered to the %onk "or taking hi% the su% o" three
score and t&o thousand saluts #in ;nglish %one, "i"teen thousand and "i,e hundred !ounds', &hich &as done, &hilst the %ade a
collation or little ban(uet to the said Touch"aucet, o" &ho% Grangousier asked i" he &ould sta &ith hi%, or i" he lo,ed rather to
return to his king. Touch"aucet ans&ered that he &as content to take &hate,er course he &ould ad,ise hi% to. Then, said
Grangousier, return unto our king, and God be &ith ou.
Then he ga,e hi% an e*cellent s&ord o" a ?ienne blade, &ith a golden scabbard &rought &ith ,ine-branch-like "lourishes, o" "air
golds%ith's &ork, and a collar or neck-chain o" gold, &eighing se,en hundred and t&o thousand %arks #at eight ounces each',
garnished &ith !recious stones o" the "inest sort, estee%ed at a hundred and si*t thousand ducats, and ten thousand cro&ns %ore,
as an honourable donati,e, b &a o" !resent.
A"ter this talk Touch"aucet got to his horse, and Gargantua "or his sa"et allo&ed hi% the guard o" thirt %en-at-ar%s and si* score
archers to attend hi%, under the conduct o" G%nast, to bring hi% e,en unto the gate o" the rock 4ler%ond, i" there &ere need. As
soon as he &as gone, the %onk restored unto Grangousier the three score and t&o thousand saluts &hich he had recei,ed, saing,
)ir, it is not as et the ti%e "or ou to gi,e such gi"ts+ sta till this &ar be at an end, "or none can tell &hat accidents %a occur, and
&ar begun &ithout good !ro,ision o" %one be"orehand "or going through &ith it, is but as a breathing o" strength, and blast that
&ill (uickl !ass a&a. 4oin is the sine&s o" &ar. Well then, said Grangousier, at the end $ &ill content ou b so%e honest
reco%!ense, as also all those &ho shall do %e good ser,ice.
/o& Grangousier sent "or his legions, and ho& Touch"aucet sle& Rashcal", and &as a"ter&ards e*ecuted b the co%%and o"
Picrochole
About this sa%e ti%e those o" Besse, o" the 6ld Market, o" )t. .a%es' Bourg, o" the 3raggage, o" Parille, o" the Ri,ers, o" the rocks
)t. Pol, o" the ?aubreton, o" Pautille, o" the Brehe%ont, o" 4lainbridge, o" 4ra,ant, o" Gra%%ont, o" the to&n at the Badgerholes,
o" /u%es, o" )egre, o" /usse, o" )t. =o,ant, o" Pan<oust, o" the 4oldrau*, o" ?erron, o" 4oulaines, o" 4hose, o" ?arenes, o"
Bourgueil, o" the Bouchard $sland, o" the 4roulla, o" 1arsa, o" 4ande, o" Montsoreau, and other bordering !laces, sent
a%bassadors unto Grangousier, to tell hi% that the &ere ad,ised o" the great &rongs &hich Picrochole had done hi%, and, in
regard o" their ancient con"ederac, o""ered hi% &hat assistance the could a""ord, both in %en, %one, ,ictuals, and a%%unition,
and other necessaries "or &ar. The %one &hich b the -oint agree%ent o" the% all &as sent unto hi%, a%ounted to si* score and
"ourteen %illions, t&o cro&ns and a hal" o" !ure gold. The "orces &here&ith the did assist hi% did consist in "i"teen thousand
cuirassiers, t&o-and-thirt thousand light horse%en, "our score and nine thousand dragoons, and a hundred-and-"ort thousand
,olunteer ad,enturers. These had &ith the% ele,en thousand and t&o hundred cannons, double cannons, long !ieces o" artiller
called basilisks, and s%aller si<ed ones kno&n b the na%e o" s!irols, besides the %ortar-!ieces and grenadoes. 6" !ioneers the
had se,en-and-"ort thousand, all ,ictualled and !aid "or si* %onths and "our das o" ad,ance. Which o""er Gargantua did not
altogether re"use, nor &holl acce!t o"+ but, gi,ing the% heart thanks, said that he &ould co%!ose and order the &ar b such a
de,ice, that there should not be "ound great need to !ut so %an honest %en to trouble in the %anaging o" it+ and there"ore &as
content at that ti%e to gi,e order onl "or bringing along the legions &hich he %aintained in his ordinar garrison to&ns o" the
3e,iniere, o" 4ha,ign, o" Gra,ot, and o" the Cuin(uenais, a%ounting to the nu%ber o" t&o thousand cuirassiers, three score and
si* thousand "oot-soldiers, si*-and-t&ent thousand dragoons, attended b t&o hundred !ieces o" great ordnance, t&o-and-t&ent
thousand !ioneers, and si* thousand light horse%en, all dra&n u! in troo!s, so &ell be"itted and acco%%odated &ith their
co%%issaries, sutlers, "arriers, harness-%akers, and other such like necessar %e%bers in a %ilitar ca%!, so "ull instructed in the
art o" &ar"are, so !er"ectl kno&ing and "ollo&ing their colours, so read to hear and obe their ca!tains, so ni%ble to run, so
strong at their charging, so !rudent in their ad,entures, and e,er da so &ell disci!lined, that the see%ed rather to be a concert o"
organ-!i!es, or %utual concord o" the &heels o" a clock, than an in"antr and ca,alr, or ar% o" soldiers.
Touch"aucet i%%ediatel a"ter his return !resented hi%sel" be"ore Picrochole, and related unto hi% at large all that he had done
and seen, and at last endea,oured to !ersuade hi% &ith strong and "orcible argu%ents to ca!itulate and %ake an agree%ent &ith
Grangousier, &ho% he "ound to be the honestest %an in the &orld+ saing "urther, that it &as neither right nor reason thus to
trouble his neighbours, o" &ho% the had ne,er recei,ed anthing but good. And in regard o" the %ain !oint, that the should
ne,er be able to go through stitch &ith that &ar, but to their great da%age and %ischie"+ "or the "orces o" Picrochole &ere not so
considerable but that Grangousier could easil o,erthro& the%.
/e had not &ell done s!eaking &hen Rashcal" said out aloud, Bnha!! is that !rince &hich is b such %en ser,ed, &ho are so
easil corru!ted, as $ kno& Touch"aucet is. For $ see his courage so changed that he had &illingl -oined &ith our ene%ies to "ight
against us and betra us, i" the &ould ha,e recei,ed hi%+ but as ,irtue is o" all, both "riends and "oes, !raised and estee%ed, so is
&ickedness soon kno&n and sus!ected, and although it ha!!en the ene%ies to %ake use thereo" "or their !ro"it, et ha,e the
al&as the &icked and the traitors in abo%ination.
Touch"aucet being at these &ords ,er i%!atient, dre& out his s&ord, and there&ith ran Rashcal" through the bod, a little under
the ni!!le o" his le"t side, &hereo" he died !resentl, and !ulling back his s&ord out o" his bod said boldl, )o let hi% !erish that
shall a "aith"ul ser,ant bla%e. Picrochole incontinentl gre& "urious, and seeing Touch"aucet's ne& s&ord and his scabbard so
richl dia!ered &ith "lourishes o" %ost e*cellent &ork%anshi!, said, 3id the gi,e thee this &ea!on so "eloniousl there&ith to
kill be"ore % "ace % so good "riend Rashcal"2 Then i%%ediatel co%%anded he his guard to he& hi% in !ieces, &hich &as
instantl done, and that so cruell that the cha%ber &as all ded &ith blood. A"ter&ards he a!!ointed the cor!se o" Rashcal" to be
honourabl buried, and that o" Touch"aucet to be cast o,er the &alls into the ditch.
The ne&s o" these e*cessi,e ,iolences &ere (uickl s!read through all the ar%+ &hereu!on %an began to %ur%ur against
Picrochole, in so "ar that Pinch!enn said to hi%, M so,ereign lord, $ kno& not &hat the issue o" this enter!rise &ill be. $ see our
%en %uch de-ected, and not &ell resol,ed in their %inds, b considering that &e are here ,er ill !ro,ided o" ,ictual, and that our
nu%ber is alread %uch di%inished b three or "our sallies. Further%ore, great su!!lies and recruits co%e dail in to our
ene%ies+ but &e so %oulder a&a that, i" &e be once besieged, $ do not see ho& &e can esca!e a total destruction. Tush, !ish, said
Picrochole, ou are like the Melun eels, ou cr be"ore the co%e to ou. =et the% co%e, let the% co%e, i" the dare.
/o& Gargantua set u!on Picrochole &ithin the rock 4ler%ond, and utterl de"eated the ar% o" the said Picrochole
Gargantua had the charge o" the &hole ar%, and his "ather Grangousier staed in his castle, &ho, encouraging the% &ith good
&ords, !ro%ised great re&ards unto those that should do an notable ser,ice. /a,ing thus set "or&ard, as soon as the had gained
the !ass at the "ord o" ?ede, &ith boats and bridges s!eedil %ade the !assed o,er in a trice. Then considering the situation o" the
to&n, &hich &as on a high and ad,antageous !lace, Gargantua thought "it to call his council, and !ass that night in deliberation
u!on &hat &as to be done. But G%nast said unto hi%, M so,ereign lord, such is the nature and co%!le*ion o" the French, that
the are &orth nothing but at the "irst !ush. Then are the %ore "ierce than de,ils. But i" the linger a little and be &earied &ith
delas, the'll !ro,e %ore "aint and re%iss than &o%en. M o!inion is, there"ore, that no& !resentl, a"ter our %en ha,e taken
breath and so%e s%all re"ection, ou gi,e order "or a resolute assault, and that &e stor% the% instantl. /is ad,ice &as "ound ,er
good, and "or e""ectuating thereo" he brought "orth his ar% into the !lain "ield, and !laced the reser,es on the skirt or rising o" a
little hill. The %onk took along &ith hi% si* co%!anies o" "oot and t&o hundred horse%en &ell ar%ed, and &ith great diligence
crossed the %arsh, and ,aliantl got u!on the to! o" the green hillock e,en unto the high&a &hich leads to =oudun. Whilst the
assault &as thus begun, Picrochole's %en could not tell &ell &hat &as best, to issue out and recei,e the assailants, or kee! &ithin
the to&n and not to stir. /i%sel" in the %ean ti%e, &ithout deliberation, sallied "orth in a rage &ith the ca,alr o" his guard, &ho
&ere "orth&ith recei,ed and roall entertained &ith great cannon-shot that "ell u!on the% like hail "ro% the high grounds on
&hich the artiller &as !lanted. Whereu!on the Gargantuists betook the%sel,es unto the ,alles, to gi,e the ordnance lea,e to !la
and range &ith the larger sco!e.
Those o" the to&n de"ended the%sel,es as &ell as the could, but their shot !assed o,er us &ithout doing us an hurt at all. )o%e
o" Picrochole's %en that had esca!ed our artiller set %ost "iercel u!on our soldiers, but !re,ailed little+ "or the &ere all let in
bet&i*t the "iles, and there knocked do&n to the ground, &hich their "ello&-soldiers seeing, the &ould ha,e retreated, but the
%onk ha,ing sei<ed u!on the !ass b the &hich the &ere to return, the ran a&a and "led in all the disorder and con"usion that
could be i%agined.
)o%e &ould ha,e !ursued a"ter the% and "ollo&ed the chase, but the %onk &ithheld the%, a!!rehending that in their !ursuit the
!ursuers %ight lose their ranks, and so gi,e occasion to the besieged to sall out o" the to&n u!on the%. Then staing there so%e
s!ace and none co%ing against hi%, he sent the 3uke Phrontist to ad,ise Gargantua to ad,ance to&ards the hill u!on the le"t hand,
to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that gate+ &hich Gargantua did &ith all e*!edition, and sent thither "our brigades under the conduct
o" )ebast, &hich had no sooner reached the to! o" the hill, but the %et Picrochole in the teeth, and those that &ere &ith hi%
scattered.
Then charged the u!on the% stoutl, et &ere the %uch enda%aged b those that &ere u!on the &alls, &ho galled the% &ith all
%anner o" shot, both "ro% the great ordnance, s%all guns, and bo&s. Which Gargantua !ercei,ing, he &ent &ith a strong !art to
their relie", and &ith his artiller began to thunder so terribl u!on that canton o" the &all, and so long, that all the strength &ithin
the to&n, to %aintain and "ill u! the breach, &as dra&n thither. The %onk seeing that (uarter &hich he ke!t besieged ,oid o" %en
and co%!etent guards, and in a %anner altogether naked and abandoned, did %ost %agnani%ousl on a sudden lead u! his %en
to&ards the "ort, and ne,er le"t it till he had got u! u!on it, kno&ing that such as co%e to the reser,e in a con"lict bring &ith the%
al&as %ore "ear and terror than those that deal about the% &ith the hands in the "ight.
1e,ertheless, he ga,e no alar% till all his soldiers had got &ithin the &all, e*ce!t the t&o hundred horse%en, &ho% he le"t &ithout
to secure his entr. Then did he gi,e a %ost horrible shout, so did all these &ho &ere &ith hi%, and i%%ediatel therea"ter, &ithout
resistance, !utting to the edge o" the s&ord the guard that &as at that gate, the o!ened it to the horse%en, &ith &ho% %ost
"uriousl the altogether ran to&ards the east gate, &here all the hurlburl &as, and co%ing close u!on the% in the rear o,erthre&
all their "orces.
The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists had &on the to&n u!on the%, and that the &ere like to be secure in no corner o" it,
sub%itted the%sel,es unto the %erc o" the %onk, and asked "or (uarter, &hich the %onk ,er nobl granted to the%, et %ade
the% la do&n their ar%s+ then, shutting the% u! &ithin churches, ga,e order to sei<e u!on all the sta,es o" the crosses, and !laced
%en at the doors to kee! the% "ro% co%ing "orth. Then o!ening that east gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua. But
Picrochole, thinking it had been so%e relie" co%ing to hi% "ro% the to&n, ad,entured %ore "or&ardl than be"ore, and &as u!on
the gi,ing o" a %ost des!erate ho%e-charge, &hen Gargantua cried out, /a, Friar .ohn, % "riend Friar .ohn, ou are co%e in a
good hour. Which une*!ected accident so a""righted Picrochole and his %en, that, gi,ing all "or lost, the betook the%sel,es to
their heels, and "led on all hands. Gargantua chased the% till the ca%e near to ?augaudr, killing and slaing all the &a, and then
sounded the retreat.
/o& Picrochole in his "light "ell into great %is"ortunes, and &hat Gargantua did a"ter the battle
Picrochole thus in des!air "led to&ards the Bouchard $sland, and in the &a to Ri,iere his horse stu%bled and "ell do&n, &hereat
he on a sudden &as so incensed, that he &ith his s&ord &ithout %ore ado killed hi% in his choler+ then, not "inding an that &ould
re%ount hi%, he &as about to ha,e taken an ass at the %ill that &as thereb+ but the %iller's %en did so baste his bones and so
soundl beth&ack hi% that the %ade hi% both black and blue &ith strokes+ then stri!!ing hi% o" all his clothes, ga,e hi% a
scur, old can,as -acket &here&ith to co,er his nakedness. Thus &ent along this !oor choleric &retch, &ho, !assing the &ater at
Port-/uaul*, and relating his %isad,enturous disasters, &as "oretold b an old =our!idon hag that his kingdo% should be restored
to hi% at the co%ing o" the 4ocklicranes, &hich she called 4o(uecigrues. What is beco%e o" hi% since &e cannot certainl tell,
et &as $ told that he is no& a !orter at =ons, as test and !ettish in hu%our as e,er he &as be"ore, and &ould be al&as &ith
great la%entation in(uiring at all strangers o" the co%ing o" the 4ocklicranes, e*!ecting assuredl, according to the old &o%an's
!ro!hec, that at their co%ing he shall be re-established in his kingdo%. The "irst thing Gargantua did a"ter his return into the to&n
&as to call the %uster-roll o" his %en, &hich &hen he had done, he "ound that there &ere ,er "e& either killed or &ounded, onl
so%e "e& "oot o" 4a!tain Tol%ere's co%!an, and Ponocrates, &ho &as shot &ith a %usket-ball through the doublet. Then he
caused the% all at and in their se,eral !osts and di,isions to take a little re"resh%ent, &hich &as ,er !lenteousl !ro,ided "or
the% in the best drink and ,ictuals that could be had "or %one, and ga,e order to the treasurers and co%%issaries o" the ar% to
!a "or and de"ra that re!ast, and that there should be no outrage at all nor abuse co%%itted in the to&n, seeing it &as his o&n.
And "urther%ore co%%anded, that i%%ediatel a"ter the soldiers had done &ith eating and drinking "or that ti%e su""icientl and
to their o&n hearts' desire, a gathering should be beaten "or bringing the% altogether, to be dra&n u! on the !ia<<a be"ore the
castle, there to recei,e si* %onths' !a co%!letel. All &hich &as done. A"ter this, b his direction, &ere brought be"ore hi% in the
said !lace all those that re%ained o" Picrochole's !art, unto &ho%, in the !resence o" the !rinces, nobles, and o""icers o" his court
and ar%, he s!oke as "ollo&eth.
Gargantua's s!eech to the ,an(uished
6ur "ore"athers and ancestors o" all ti%es ha,e been o" this nature and dis!osition, that, u!on the &inning o" a battle, the ha,e
chosen rather, "or a sign and %e%orial o" their triu%!hs and ,ictories, to erect tro!hies and %onu%ents in the hearts o" the
,an(uished b cle%enc than b architecture in the lands &hich the had con(uered. For the did hold in greater esti%ation the
li,el re%e%brance o" %en !urchased b liberalit than the du%b inscri!tion o" arches, !illars, and !ra%ids, sub-ect to the in-ur
o" stor%s and te%!ests, and to the en, o" e,erone. @ou %a ,er &ell re%e%ber o" the courtes &hich b the% &as used
to&ards the Bretons in the battle o" )t. Aubin o" 4or%ier and at the de%olishing o" Partena. @ou ha,e heard, and hearing ad%ire,
their gentle co%!ort%ent to&ards those at the barriers #the barbarians' o" )!aniola, &ho had !lundered, &asted, and ransacked the
%ariti%e borders o" 6lone and Thal%ondois. All this he%is!here o" the &orld &as "illed &ith the !raises and congratulations
&hich oursel,es and our "athers %ade, &hen Al!harbal, Aing o" 4anarre, not satis"ied &ith his o&n "ortunes, did %ost "uriousl
in,ade the land o" 6n*, and &ith cruel !iracies %olest all the Ar%oric $slands and con"ine regions o" Britan. @et &as he in a set
na,al "ight -ustl taken and ,an(uished b % "ather, &ho% God !reser,e and !rotect. But &hat2 Whereas other kings and
e%!erors, ea, those &ho entitle the%sel,es 4atholics, &ould ha,e dealt roughl &ith hi%, ke!t hi% a close !risoner, and !ut hi%
to an e*tre%e high ranso%, he entreated hi% ,er courteousl, lodged hi% kindl &ith hi%sel" in his o&n !alace, and out o" his
incredible %ildness and gentle dis!osition sent hi% back &ith a sa"e conduct, laden &ith gi"ts, laden &ith "a,ours, laden &ith all
o""ices o" "riendshi!. What "ell out u!on it2 Being returned into his countr, he called a !arlia%ent, &here all the !rinces and states
o" his kingdo% being asse%bled, he sho&ed the% the hu%anit &hich he had "ound in us, and there"ore &ished the% to take such
course b &a o" co%!ensation therein as that the &hole &orld %ight be edi"ied b the e*a%!le, as &ell o" their honest
graciousness to us as o" our gracious honest to&ards the%. The result hereo" &as, that it &as ,oted and decreed b an unani%ous
consent, that the should o""er u! entirel their lands, do%inions, and kingdo%s, to be dis!osed o" b us according to our !leasure.
Al!harbal in his o&n !erson !resentl returned &ith nine thousand and thirt-eight great shi!s o" burden, bringing &ith hi% the
treasures, not onl o" his house and roal lineage, but al%ost o" all the countr besides. For he e%barking hi%sel", to set sail &ith a
&est-north-east &ind, e,erone in hea!s did cast into the shi! gold, sil,er, rings, -e&els, s!ices, drugs, and aro%atical !er"u%es,
!arrots, !elicans, %onkes, ci,et-cats, black-s!otted &easels, !orcu!ines, 5c. /e &as accounted no good %other's son that did not
cast in all the rare and !recious things he had.
Being sa"el arri,ed, he ca%e to % said "ather, and &ould ha,e kissed his "eet. That action &as "ound too sub%issi,el lo&, and
there"ore &as not !er%itted, but in e*change he &as %ost cordiall e%braced. /e o""ered his !resents+ the &ere not recei,ed,
because the &ere too e*cessi,e0 he ielded hi%sel" ,oluntaril a ser,ant and ,assal, and &as content his &hole !osterit should
be liable to the sa%e bondage+ this &as not acce!ted o", because it see%ed not e(uitable0 he surrendered, b ,irtue o" the decree o"
his great !arlia%entar council, his &hole countries and kingdo%s to hi%, o""ering the deed and con,eance, signed, sealed, and
rati"ied b all those that &ere concerned in it+ this &as altogether re"used, and the !arch%ents cast into the "ire. $n end, this "ree
good&ill and si%!le %eaning o" the 4anarians &rought such tenderness in % "ather's heart that he could not abstain "ro%
shedding tears, and &e!t %ost !ro"usel+ then, b choice &ords ,er congruousl ada!ted, stro,e in &hat he could to di%inish the
esti%ation o" the good o""ices &hich he had done the%, saing, that an courtes he had con"erred u!on the% &as not &orth a
rush, and &hat "a,our soe,er he had sho&ed the% he &as bound to do it. But so %uch the %ore did Al!harbal aug%ent the re!ute
thereo". What &as the issue2 Whereas "or his ranso%, in the greatest e*tre%it o" rigour and %ost trannical dealing, could not
ha,e been e*acted abo,e t&ent ti%es a hundred thousand cro&ns, and his eldest sons detained as hostages till that su% had been
!aid, the %ade the%sel,es !er!etual tributaries, and obliged to gi,e us e,er ear t&o %illions o" gold at "our-and-t&ent carats
"ine. The "irst ear &e recei,ed the &hole su% o" t&o %illions+ the second ear o" their o&n accord the !aid "reel to us three-
and-t&ent hundred thousand cro&ns+ the third ear, si*-and-t&ent hundred thousand+ the "ourth ear, three %illions, and do so
increase it al&as out o" their o&n good&ill that &e shall be constrained to "orbid the% to bring us an %ore. This is the nature o"
gratitude and true thank"ulness. For ti%e, &hich gna&s and di%inisheth all things else, aug%ents and increaseth bene"its+ because a
noble action o" liberalit, done to a %an o" reason, doth gro& continuall b his generous thinking o" it and re%e%bering it.
Being un&illing there"ore an &a to degenerate "ro% the hereditar %ildness and cle%enc o" % !arents, $ do no& "orgi,e ou,
deli,er ou "ro% all "ines and i%!rison%ents, "ull release ou, set ou at libert, and e,er &a %ake ou as "rank and "ree as
e,er ou &ere be"ore. Moreo,er, at our going out o" the gate, ou shall ha,e e,er one o" ou three %onths' !a to bring ou
ho%e into our houses and "a%ilies, and shall ha,e a sa"e con,o o" si* hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand "oot under the
conduct o" Ale*ander, es(uire o" % bod, that the club%en o" the countr %a not do ou an in-ur. God be &ith ou> $ a% sorr
"ro% % heart that Picrochole is not here+ "or $ &ould ha,e gi,en hi% to understand that this &ar &as undertaken against % &ill
and &ithout an ho!e to increase either % goods or reno&n. But seeing he is lost, and that no %an can tell &here nor ho& he &ent
a&a, it is % &ill that his kingdo% re%ain entire to his son+ &ho, because he is too oung, he not being et "ull "i,e ears old,
shall be brought u! and instructed b the ancient !rinces and learned %en o" the kingdo%. And because a real% thus desolate %a
easil co%e to ruin, i" the co,etousness and a,arice o" those &ho b their !laces are obliged to ad%inister -ustice in it be not
curbed and restrained, $ ordain and &ill ha,e it so, that Ponocrates be o,erseer and su!erintendent abo,e all his go,ernors, &ith
&hate,er !o&er and authorit is re(uisite thereto, and that he be continuall &ith the child until he "ind hi% able and ca!able to
rule and go,ern b hi%sel".
1o& $ %ust tell ou, that ou are to understand ho& a too "eeble and dissolute "acilit in !ardoning e,ildoers gi,eth the% occasion
to co%%it &ickedness a"ter&ards %ore readil, u!on this !ernicious con"idence o" recei,ing "a,our. $ consider that Moses, the
%eekest %an that &as in his ti%e u!on the earth, did se,erel !unish the %utinous and seditious !eo!le o" $srael. $ consider
like&ise that .ulius 4aesar, &ho &as so gracious an e%!eror that 4icero said o" hi% that his "ortune had nothing %ore e*cellent
than that he could, and his ,irtue nothing better than that he &ould al&as sa,e and !ardon e,er %an--he, not&ithstanding all this,
did in certain !laces %ost rigorousl !unish the authors o" rebellion. A"ter the e*a%!le o" these good %en, it is % &ill and
!leasure that ou deli,er o,er unto %e be"ore ou de!art hence, "irst, that "ine "ello& Mar(uet, &ho &as the !ri%e cause, origin,
and ground&ork o" this &ar b his ,ain !resu%!tion and o,er&eening+ secondl, his "ello& cake-bakers, &ho &ere neglecti,e in
checking and re!rehending his idle hairbrained hu%our in the instant ti%e+ and lastl, all the councillors, ca!tains, o""icers, and
do%estics o" Picrochole, &ho had been incendiaries or "o%enters o" the &ar b !ro,oking, !raising, or counselling hi% to co%e
out o" his li%its thus to trouble us.
/o& the ,ictorious Gargantuists &ere reco%!ensed a"ter the battle
When Gargantua had "inished his s!eech, the seditious %en &ho% he re(uired &ere deli,ered u! unto hi%, e*ce!t )&ashbuckler,
3irt-tail, and )%alltrash, &ho ran a&a si* hours be"ore the battle--one o" the% as "ar as to =ainiel-neck at one course, another to
the ,alle o" ?ire, and the third e,en unto =ogroine, &ithout looking back or taking breath b the &a--and t&o o" the cake-bakers
&ho &ere slain in the "ight. Gargantua did the% no other hurt but that he a!!ointed the% to !ull at the !resses o" his !rinting-house
&hich he had ne&l set u!. Then those &ho died there he caused to be honourabl buried in Black-soile ,alle and Burn-hag "ield,
and ga,e order that the &ounded should be dressed and had care o" in his great hos!ital or nosoco%e. A"ter this, considering the
great !re-udice done to the to&n and its inhabitants, he rei%bursed their charges and re!aired all the losses that b their con"ession
u!on oath could a!!ear the had sustained+ and, "or their better de"ence and securit in ti%es co%ing against all sudden u!roars
and in,asions, co%%anded a strong citadel to be built there &ith a co%!etent garrison to %aintain it. At his de!arture he did ,er
graciousl thank all the soldiers o" the brigades that had been at this o,erthro&, and sent the% back to their &inter-(uarters in their
se,eral stations and garrisons+ the decu%ane legion onl e*ce!ted, &ho% in the "ield on that da he sa& do so%e great e*!loit, and
their ca!tains also, &ho% he brought along &ith hi%sel" unto Grangousier.
At the sight and co%ing o" the%, the good %an &as so -o"ul, that it is not !ossible "ull to describe it. /e %ade the% a "east the
%ost %agni"icent, !lenti"ul, and delicious that e,er &as seen since the ti%e o" the king Ahasuerus. At the taking u! o" the table he
distributed a%ongst the% his &hole cu!board o" !late, &hich &eighed eight hundred thousand and "ourteen be<ants #;ach be<ant
is &orth "i,e !ounds ;nglish %one.' o" gold, in great anti(ue ,essels, huge !ots, large basins, big tasses, cu!s, goblets,
candlesticks, co%"it-bo*es, and other such !late, all o" !ure %ass gold, besides the !recious stones, ena%elling, and
&ork%anshi!, &hich b all %en's esti%ation &as %ore &orth than the %atter o" the gold. Then unto e,er one o" the% out o" his
co""ers caused he to be gi,en the su% o" t&el,e hundred thousand cro&ns read %one. And, "urther, he ga,e to each o" the% "or
e,er and in !er!etuit, unless he should ha!!en to decease &ithout heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands o" his as &ere %ost
co%%odious "or the%. To Ponocrates he ga,e the rock 4ler%ond+ to G%nast, the 4oudra+ to ;ude%on, Mont!ensier+ Ri,au, to
Tol%ere, to $thibolle, Montsoreau+ to Aca%as, 4ande+ ?arenes, to 4hironacte+ Gra,ot, to )ebast+ Cuin(uenais, to Ale*ander+
=egre, to )o!hrone, and so o" his other !laces.
/o& Gargantua caused to be built "or the Monk the Abbe o" Thele%e
There &as le"t onl the %onk to !ro,ide "or, &ho% Gargantua &ould ha,e %ade Abbot o" )e,ille, but he re"used it. /e &ould ha,e
gi,en hi% the Abbe o" Bourgueil, or o" )anct Florent, &hich &as better, or both, i" it !leased hi%+ but the %onk ga,e hi% a ,er
!ere%!tor ans&er, that he &ould ne,er take u!on hi% the charge nor go,ern%ent o" %onks. For ho& shall $ be able, said he, to
rule o,er others, that ha,e not "ull !o&er and co%%and o" %sel"2 $" ou think $ ha,e done ou, or %a herea"ter do an
acce!table ser,ice, gi,e %e lea,e to "ound an abbe a"ter % o&n %ind and "anc. The %otion !leased Gargantua ,er &ell, &ho
thereu!on o""ered hi% all the countr o" Thele%e b the ri,er o" =oire till &ithin t&o leagues o" the great "orest o" Port-/uaul*.
The %onk then re(uested Gargantua to institute his religious order contrar to all others. First, then, said Gargantua, ou %ust not
build a &all about our con,ent, "or all other abbes are strongl &alled and %ured about. )ee, said the %onk, and not &ithout
cause #seeing &all and %ur signi" but one and the sa%e thing'+ &here there is %ur be"ore and %ur behind, there is store o"
%ur%ur, en,, and %utual cons!irac. Moreo,er, seeing there are certain con,ents in the &orld &hereo" the custo% is, i" an
&o%an co%e in, $ %ean chaste and honest &o%en, the i%%ediatel s&ee! the ground &hich the ha,e trod u!on+ there"ore &as it
ordained, that i" an %an or &o%an entered into religious orders should b chance co%e &ithin this ne& abbe, all the roo%s
should be thoroughl &ashed and cleansed through &hich the had !assed. And because in all other %onasteries and nunneries all
is co%!assed, li%ited, and regulated b hours, it &as decreed that in this ne& structure there should be neither clock nor dial, but
that according to the o!!ortunities and incident occasions all their hours should be dis!osed o"+ "or, said Gargantua, the greatest
loss o" ti%e that $ kno& is to count the hours. What good co%es o" it2 1or can there be an greater dotage in the &orld than "or one
to guide and direct his courses b the sound o" a bell, and not b his o&n -udg%ent and discretion.
$te%, Because at that ti%e the !ut no &o%en into nunneries but such as &ere either !urblind, blinkards, la%e, crooked, ill-
"a,oured, %issha!en, "ools, senseless, s!oiled, or corru!t+ nor encloistered an %en but those that &ere either sickl, sub-ect to
de"lu*ions, ill-bred louts, si%!le sots, or !ee,ish trouble-houses. But to the !ur!ose, said the %onk. A &o%an that is neither "air
nor good, to &hat use ser,es she2 To %ake a nun o", said Gargantua. @ea, said the %onk, and to %ake shirts and s%ocks. There"ore
&as it ordained that into this religious order should be ad%itted no &o%en that &ere not "air, &ell-"eatured, and o" a s&eet
dis!osition+ nor %en that &ere not co%el, !ersonable, and &ell conditioned.
$te%, Because in the con,ents o" &o%en %en co%e not but underhand, !ri,il, and b stealth, it &as there"ore enacted that in this
house there shall be no &o%en in case there be not %en, nor %en in case there be not &o%en.
$te%, Because both %en and &o%en that are recei,ed into religious orders a"ter the e*!iring o" their no,iciate or !robation ear
&ere constrained and "orced !er!etuall to sta there all the das o" their li"e, it &as there"ore ordered that all &hate,er, %en or
&o%en, ad%itted &ithin this abbe, should ha,e "ull lea,e to de!art &ith !eace and content%ent &hensoe,er it should see% good
to the% so to do.
$te%, "or that the religious %en and &o%en did ordinaril %ake three ,o&s, to &it, those o" chastit, !o,ert, and obedience, it &as
there"ore constituted and a!!ointed that in this con,ent the %ight be honourabl %arried, that the %ight be rich, and li,e at
libert. $n regard o" the legiti%ate ti%e o" the !ersons to be initiated, and ears under and abo,e &hich the &ere not ca!able o"
rece!tion, the &o%en &ere to be ad%itted "ro% ten till "i"teen, and the %en "ro% t&el,e till eighteen.
/o& the abbe o" the Thele%ites &as built and endo&ed
For the "abric and "urniture o" the abbe Gargantua caused to be deli,ered out in read %one se,en-and-t&ent hundred
thousand, eight hundred and one-and-thirt o" those golden ra%s o" Berr &hich ha,e a shee! sta%!ed on the one side and a
"lo&ered cross on the other+ and "or e,er ear, until the &hole &ork &ere co%!leted, he allotted threescore nine thousand cro&ns
o" the sun, and as %an o" the se,en stars, to be charged all u!on the recei!t o" the custo%. For the "oundation and %aintenance
thereo" "or e,er, he settled a !er!etual "ee-"ar%-rent o" three-and-t&ent hundred, three score and nine thousand, "i,e hundred and
"ourteen rose nobles, e*e%!ted "ro% all ho%age, "ealt, ser,ice, or burden &hatsoe,er, and !aable e,er ear at the gate o" the
abbe+ and o" this b letters !atent !assed a ,er good grant. The architecture &as in a "igure he*agonal, and in such a "ashion that
in e,er one o" the si* corners there &as built a great round to&er o" threescore "oot in dia%eter, and &ere all o" a like "or% and
bigness. B!on the north side ran along the ri,er o" =oire, on the bank &hereo" &as situated the to&er called Arctic. Going to&ards
the east, there &as another called 4alaer,--the ne*t "ollo&ing Anatole,--the ne*t Mese%brine,--the ne*t /es!eria, and the last
4riere. ;,er to&er &as distant "ro% other the s!ace o" three hundred and t&el,e !aces. The &hole edi"ice &as e,er&here si*
stores high, reckoning the cellars underground "or one. The second &as arched a"ter the "ashion o" a basket-handle+ the rest &ere
ceiled &ith !ure &ainscot, "lourished &ith Flanders "ret&ork, in the "or% o" the "oot o" a la%!, and co,ered abo,e &ith "ine slates,
&ith an endorse%ent o" lead, carring the anti(ue "igures o" little !u!!ets and ani%als o" all sorts, notabl &ell suited to one
another, and gilt, together &ith the gutters, &hich, -utting &ithout the &alls "ro% bet&i*t the crossbars in a diagonal "igure, !ainted
&ith gold and a<ure, reached to the ,er ground, &here the ended into great conduit-!i!es, &hich carried all a&a unto the ri,er
"ro% under the house.
e,er &as Bonni,et, 4ha%bourg, or 4hantill+ "or there &ere in it nine thousand, three hundred and t&o-and-thirt cha%bers, e,er
one &hereo" had a &ithdra&ing-roo%, a handso%e closet, a &ardrobe, an orator, and neat !assage, leading into a great and
s!acious hall. Bet&een e,er to&er in the %idst o" the said bod o" building there &as a !air o" &inding, such as &e no& call
lantern stairs, &hereo" the ste!s &ere !art o" !or!hr, &hich is a dark red %arble s!otted &ith &hite, !art o" 1u%idian stone,
&hich is a kind o" ello&ishl-streaked %arble u!on ,arious colours, and !art o" ser!entine %arble, &ith light s!ots on a dark
green ground, each o" those ste!s being t&o-and-t&ent "oot in length and three "ingers thick, and the -ust nu%ber o" t&el,e
bet&i*t e,er rest, or, as &e no& ter% it, landing-!lace. $n e,er resting-!lace &ere t&o "air anti(ue arches &here the light ca%e
in0 and b those the &ent into a cabinet, %ade e,en &ith and o" the breadth o" the said &inding, and the reascending abo,e the
roo"s o" the house ended conicall in a !a,ilion. B that ,ise or &inding the entered on e,er side into a great hall, and "ro% the
halls into the cha%bers. Fro% the Arctic to&er unto the 4riere &ere the "air great libraries in Greek, =atin, /ebre&, French, $talian,
and )!anish, res!ecti,el distributed in their se,eral cantons, according to the di,ersit o" these languages. $n the %idst there &as a
&onder"ul scalier or &inding-stair, the entr &hereo" &as &ithout the house, in a ,ault or arch si* "atho% broad. $t &as %ade in
such s%%etr and largeness that si* %en-at-ar%s &ith their lances in their rests %ight together in a breast ride all u! to the ,er
to! o" all the !alace. Fro% the to&er Anatole to the Mese%brine &ere "air s!acious galleries, all coloured o,er and !ainted &ith the
ancient !ro&esses, histories, and descri!tions o" the &orld. $n the %idst thereo" there &as like&ise such another ascent and gate as
&e said there &as on the ri,er-side. B!on that gate &as &ritten in great anti(ue letters that &hich "ollo&eth.
The inscri!tion set u!on the great gate o" Thele%e
/ere enter not ,ile bigots, h!ocrites,
;*ternall de,oted a!es, base snites,
Pu""ed-u!, &r-necked beasts, &orse than the /uns,
6r 6strogoths, "orerunners o" baboons0
4ursed snakes, disse%bled ,arlets, see%ing sancts,
)li!shod ca""ards, beggars !retending &ants,
Fat chu""cats, s%ell-"east knockers, doltish gulls,
6ut-strouting cluster-"ists, contentious bulls,
Fo%enters o" di,isions and debates,
;lse&here, not here, %ake sale o" our deceits.
@our "ilth tru%!eries
)tu""ed &ith !ernicious lies
#1ot &orth a bubble',
Would do but trouble
6ur earthl !aradise,
@our "ilth tru%!eries.
/ere enter not attornes, barristers,
1or bridle-cha%!ing la&-!ractitioners0
4lerks, co%%issaries, scribes, nor !harisees,
Wil"ul disturbers o" the !eo!le's ease0
.udges, destroers, &ith an un-ust breath,
6" honest %en, like dogs, e,en unto death.
@our salar is at the gibbet-"oot0
Go drink there> "or &e do not here "l out
6n those e*cessi,e courses, &hich %a dra&
A &aiting on our courts b suits in la&.
=a&suits, debates, and &rangling
/ence are e*iled, and -angling.
/ere &e are ,er
Frolic and %err,
And "ree "ro% all entangling,
=a&suits, debates, and &rangling.
/ere enter not base !inching usurers,
Pel"-lickers, e,erlasting gatherers,
Gold-gras!ers, coin-gri!ers, gul!ers o" %ists,
1iggish de"or%ed sots, &ho, though our chests
?ast su%s o" %one should to ou a""ord,
Would ne'ertheless add %ore unto that hoard,
And et not be content,--ou clunch"ist dastards,
$nsatiable "iends, and Pluto's bastards,
Greed de,ourers, chich sneakbill rogues,
/ell-%asti""s gna& our bones, ou ra,enous dogs.
@ou beastl-looking "ello&s,
Reason doth !lainl tell us
That &e should not
To ou allot
Roo% here, but at the gallo&s,
@ou beastl-looking "ello&s.
/ere enter not "ond %akers o" de%urs
$n lo,e ad,entures, !ee,ish, -ealous curs,
)ad !ensi,e dotards, raisers o" garboils,
/ags, goblins, ghosts, "irebrands o" household broils,
1or drunkards, liars, co&ards, cheaters, clo&ns,
Thie,es, cannibals, "aces o'ercast &ith "ro&ns,
1or la< slugs, en,ious, co,etous,
1or blockish, cruel, nor too credulous,--
/ere %ang, !ock "olks shall ha,e no !lace,
1o ugl lusks, nor !ersons o" disgrace.
Grace, honour, !raise, delight,
/ere so-ourn da and night.
)ound bodies lined
With a good %ind,
3o here !ursue &ith %ight
Grace, honour, !raise, delight.
/ere enter ou, and &elco%e "ro% our hearts,
All noble s!arks, endo&ed &ith gallant !arts.
This is the glorious !lace, &hich bra,el shall
A""ord &here&ith to entertain ou all.
Were ou a thousand, here ou shall not &ant
For anthing+ "or &hat ou'll ask &e'll grant.
)ta here, ou li,el, -o,ial, handso%e, brisk,
Ga, &itt, "rolic, cheer"ul, %err, "risk,
)!ruce, -ocund, courteous, "urtherers o" trades,
And, in a &ord, all &orth gentle blades.
Blades o" heroic breasts
)hall taste here o" the "easts,
Both !ri,il
And ci,ill
6" the celestial guests,
Blades o" heroic breasts.
/ere enter ou, !ure, honest, "aith"ul, true
;*!ounders o" the )cri!tures old and ne&.
Whose glosses do not blind our reason, but
Make it to see the clearer, and &ho shut
$ts !assages "ro% hatred, a,arice,
Pride, "actions, co,enants, and all sort o" ,ice.
4o%e, settle here a charitable "aith,
Which neighbourl a""ection nourisheth.
And &hose light chaseth all corru!ters hence,
6" the blest &ord, "ro% the a"oresaid sense.
The hol sacred Word,
Ma it al&as a""ord
T' us all in co%%on,
Both %an and &o%an,
A s!iritual shield and s&ord,
The hol sacred Word.
/ere enter ou all ladies o" high birth,
3elicious, statel, char%ing, "ull o" %irth,
$ngenious, lo,el, %iniard, !ro!er, "air,
Magnetic, grace"ul, s!lendid, !leasant, rare,
6bliging, s!rightl, ,irtuous, oung, solacious,
Aind, neat, (uick, "eat, bright, co%!t, ri!e, choice, dear, !recious.
Alluring, courtl, co%el, "ine, co%!lete,
Wise, !ersonable, ra,ishing, and s&eet,
4o%e -os en-o. The =ord celestial
/ath gi,en enough &here&ith to !lease us all.
Gold gi,e us, God "orgi,e us,
And "ro% all &oes relie,e us+
That &e the treasure
Ma rea! o" !leasure,
And shun &hate'er is grie,ous,
Gold gi,e us, God "orgi,e us.
What %anner o" d&elling the Thele%ites had
$n the %iddle o" the lo&er court there &as a statel "ountain o" "air alabaster. B!on the to! thereo" stood the three Graces, &ith
their cornuco!ias, or horns o" abundance, and did -et out the &ater at their breasts, %outh, ears, ees, and other o!en !assages o"
the bod. The inside o" the buildings in this lo&er court stood u!on great !illars o" chalcedon stone and !or!hr %arble %ade
arch&as a"ter a goodl anti(ue "ashion. Within those &ere s!acious galleries, long and large, adorned &ith curious !ictures, the
horns o" bucks and unicorns0 &ith rhinoceroses, &ater-horses called hi!!o!ota%es, the teeth and tusks o" ele!hants, and other
things &ell &orth the beholding. The lodging o" the ladies, "or so &e %a call those gallant &o%en, took u! all "ro% the to&er
Arctic unto the gate Mese%brine. The %en !ossessed the rest. Be"ore the said lodging o" the ladies, that the %ight ha,e their
recreation, bet&een the t&o "irst to&ers, on the outside, &ere !laced the tiltard, the barriers or lists "or tourna%ents, the
hi!!odro%e or riding-court, the theatre or !ublic !lahouse, and natator or !lace to s&i% in, &ith %ost ad%irable baths in three
stages, situated abo,e one another, &ell "urnished &ith all necessar acco%%odation, and store o" %rtle-&ater. B the ri,er-side
&as the "air garden o" !leasure, and in the %idst o" that the glorious labrinth. Bet&een the t&o other to&ers &ere the courts "or
the tennis and the balloon. To&ards the to&er 4riere stood the orchard "ull o" all "ruit-trees, set and ranged in a (uincuncial order.
At the end o" that &as the great !ark, abounding &ith all sort o" ,enison. Bet&i*t the third cou!le o" to&ers &ere the butts and
%arks "or shooting &ith a sna!&ork gun, an ordinar bo& "or co%%on archer, or &ith a crossbo&. The o""ice-houses &ere
&ithout the to&er /es!eria, o" one store high. The stables &ere beond the o""ices, and be"ore the% stood the "alconr, %anaged
b ostrich-kee!ers and "alconers ,er e*!ert in the art, and it &as earl su!!lied and "urnished b the 4andians, ?enetians,
)ar%ates, no& called Musco,iters, &ith all sorts o" %ost e*cellent ha&ks, eagles, ger"alcons, gosha&ks, sacres, lanners, "alcons,
s!arro&ha&ks, %arlins, and other kinds o" the%, so gentle and !er"ectl &ell %anned, that, "ling o" the%sel,es so%eti%es "ro%
the castle "or their o&n dis!ort, the &ould not "ail to catch &hate,er the encountered. The ,ener, &here the beagles and hounds
&ere ke!t, &as a little "arther o"", dra&ing to&ards the !ark.
All the halls, cha%bers, and closets or cabinets &ere richl hung &ith ta!estr and hangings o" di,ers sorts, according to the
,ariet o" the seasons o" the ear. All the !a,e%ents and "loors &ere co,ered &ith green cloth. The beds &ere all e%broidered. $n
e,er back-cha%ber or &ithdra&ing-roo% there &as a looking-glass o" !ure crstal set in a "ra%e o" "ine gold, garnished all about
&ith !earls, and &as o" such greatness that it &ould re!resent to the "ull the &hole linea%ents and !ro!ortion o" the !erson that
stood be"ore it. At the going out o" the halls &hich belong to the ladies' lodgings &ere the !er"u%ers and tri%%ers through &hose
hands the gallants !assed &hen the &ere to ,isit the ladies. Those s&eet arti"icers did e,er %orning "urnish the ladies' cha%bers
&ith the s!irit o" roses, orange-"lo&er-&ater, and angelica+ and to each o" the% ga,e a little !recious casket ,a!ouring "orth the
%ost odori"erous e*halations o" the choicest aro%atical scents.
/o& the %en and &o%en o" the religious order o" Thele%e &ere a!!arelled
The ladies at the "oundation o" this order &ere a!!arelled a"ter their o&n !leasure and liking+ but, since that o" their o&n accord
and "ree &ill the ha,e re"or%ed the%sel,es, their accoutre%ent is in %anner as "ollo&eth. The &ore stockings o" scarlet
cri%son, or ingrained !ur!le de, &hich reached -ust three inches abo,e the knee, ha,ing a list beauti"ied &ith e*(uisite
e%broideries and rare incisions o" the cutter's art. Their garters &ere o" the colour o" their bracelets, and circled the knee a little
both o,er and under. Their shoes, !u%!s, and sli!!ers &ere either o" red, ,iolet, or cri%son-,el,et, !inked and -agged like lobster
&addles.
1e*t to their s%ock the !ut on the !rett kirtle or ,as(uin o" !ure silk ca%let0 abo,e that &ent the ta""et or tabb "arthingale, o"
&hite, red, ta&n, gre, or o" an other colour. Abo,e this ta""et !etticoat the had another o" cloth o" tissue or brocade,
e%broidered &ith "ine gold and interlaced &ith needle&ork, or as the thought good, and according to the te%!erature and
dis!osition o" the &eather had their u!!er coats o" satin, da%ask, or ,el,et, and those either orange, ta&n, green, ash-coloured,
blue, ello&, bright red, cri%son, or &hite, and so "orth+ or had the% o" cloth o" gold, cloth o" sil,er, or so%e other choice stu"",
enriched &ith !url, or e%broidered according to the dignit o" the "esti,al das and ti%es &herein the &ore the%.
Their go&ns, being still corres!ondent to the season, &ere either o" cloth o" gold "ri<<led &ith a sil,er-raised &ork+ o" red satin,
co,ered &ith gold !url+ o" tabb, or ta""et, &hite, blue, black, ta&n, 5c., o" silk serge, silk ca%let, ,el,et, cloth o" sil,er, sil,er
tissue, cloth o" gold, gold &ire, "igured ,el,et, or "igured satin tinselled and o,ercast &ith golden threads, in di,ers ,ariousl
!ur"led draughts.
$n the su%%er so%e das instead o" go&ns the &ore light handso%e %antles, %ade either o" the stu"" o" the a"oresaid attire, or
like Moresco rugs, o" ,iolet ,el,et "ri<<led, &ith a raised &ork o" gold u!on sil,er !url, or &ith a knotted cord-&ork o" gold
e%broider, e,er&here garnished &ith little $ndian !earls. The al&as carried a "air !anache, or !lu%e o" "eathers, o" the colour
o" their %u"", bra,el adorned and tricked out &ith glistering s!angles o" gold. $n the &inter ti%e the had their ta""et go&ns o"
all colours, as abo,e-na%ed, and those lined &ith the rich "urrings o" hind-&ol,es, or s!eckled ln*es, black-s!otted &easels,
%artlet skins o" 4alabria, sables, and other costl "urs o" an inesti%able ,alue. Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets, and
neck-chains &ere all o" !recious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, dia%onds, sa!!hires, e%eralds, tur(uoises, garnets,
agates, berls, and e*cellent %argarites. Their head-dressing also ,aried &ith the season o" the ear, according to &hich the
decked the%sel,es. $n &inter it &as o" the French "ashion+ in the s!ring, o" the )!anish+ in su%%er, o" the "ashion o" Tuscan,
e*ce!t onl u!on the hol das and )undas, at &hich ti%es the &ere accoutred in the French %ode, because the accounted it
%ore honourable and better be"itting the garb o" a %atronal !udicit.
The %en &ere a!!arelled a"ter their "ashion. Their stockings &ere o" ta%ine or o" cloth serge, o" &hite, black, scarlet, or so%e
other ingrained colour. Their breeches &ere o" ,el,et, o" the sa%e colour &ith their stockings, or ,er near, e%broidered and cut
according to their "anc. Their doublet &as o" cloth o" gold, o" cloth o" sil,er, o" ,el,et, satin, da%ask, ta""eties, 5c., o" the sa%e
colours, cut, e%broidered, and suitabl tri%%ed u! in !er"ection. The !oints &ere o" silk o" the sa%e colours+ the tags &ere o" gold
&ell ena%elled. Their coats and -erkins &ere o" cloth o" gold, cloth o" sil,er, gold, tissue or ,el,et e%broidered, as the thought "it.
Their go&ns &ere e,er &hit as costl as those o" the ladies. Their girdles &ere o" silks, o" the colour o" their doublets. ;,er one
had a gallant s&ord b his side, the hilt and handle &hereo" &ere gilt, and the scabbard o" ,el,et, o" the colour o" his breeches,
&ith a cha!e o" gold, and !ure golds%ith's &ork. The dagger &as o" the sa%e. Their ca!s or bonnets &ere o" black ,el,et, adorned
&ith -e&els and buttons o" gold. B!on that the &ore a &hite !lu%e, %ost !rettil and %inion-like !arted b so %an ro&s o" gold
s!angles, at the end &hereo" hung dangling in a %ore s!arkling res!lendenc "air rubies, e%eralds, dia%onds, 5c., but there &as
such a s%!ath bet&i*t the gallants and the ladies, that e,er da the &ere a!!arelled in the sa%e li,er. And that the %ight not
%iss, there &ere certain gentle%en a!!ointed to tell the ouths e,er %orning &hat ,est%ents the ladies &ould on that da &ear0
"or all &as done according to the !leasure o" the ladies. $n these so handso%e clothes, and habili%ents so rich, think not that either
one or other o" either se* did &aste an ti%e at all+ "or the %asters o" the &ardrobes had all their rai%ents and a!!arel so read "or
e,er %orning, and the cha%ber-ladies so &ell skilled, that in a trice the &ould be dressed and co%!letel in their clothes "ro%
head to "oot. And to ha,e those accoutre%ents &ith the %ore con,enienc, there &as about the &ood o" Thele%e a ro& o" houses
o" the e*tent o" hal" a league, ,er neat and cleanl, &herein d&elt the golds%iths, la!idaries, -e&ellers, e%broiderers, tailors,
gold-dra&ers, ,el,et-&ea,ers, ta!estr-%akers and u!holsterers, &ho &rought there e,er one in his o&n trade, and all "or the
a"oresaid -oll "riars and nuns o" the ne& sta%!. The &ere "urnished &ith %atter and stu"" "ro% the hands o" the =ord 1ausiclete,
&ho e,er ear brought the% se,en shi!s "ro% the Perlas and 4annibal $slands, laden &ith ingots o" gold, &ith ra& silk, &ith
!earls and !recious stones. And i" an %argarites, called unions, began to gro& old and lose so%e&hat o" their natural &hiteness
and lustre, those &ith their art the did rene& b tendering the% to eat to so%e !rett cocks, as the use to gi,e casting unto
ha&ks.
/o& the Thele%ites &ere go,erned, and o" their %anner o" li,ing
All their li"e &as s!ent not in la&s, statutes, or rules, but according to their o&n "ree &ill and !leasure. The rose out o" their beds
&hen the thought good+ the did eat, drink, labour, slee!, &hen the had a %ind to it and &ere dis!osed "or it. 1one did a&ake
the%, none did o""er to constrain the% to eat, drink, nor to do an other thing+ "or so had Gargantua established it. $n all their rule
and strictest tie o" their order there &as but this one clause to be obser,ed,
3o What Thou Wilt+
because %en that are "ree, &ell-born, &ell-bred, and con,ersant in honest co%!anies, ha,e naturall an instinct and s!ur that
!ro%!teth the% unto ,irtuous actions, and &ithdra&s the% "ro% ,ice, &hich is called honour. Those sa%e %en, &hen b base
sub-ection and constraint the are brought under and ke!t do&n, turn aside "ro% that noble dis!osition b &hich the "or%erl
&ere inclined to ,irtue, to shake o"" and break that bond o" ser,itude &herein the are so trannousl ensla,ed+ "or it is agreeable
&ith the nature o" %an to long a"ter things "orbidden and to desire &hat is denied us.
B this libert the entered into a ,er laudable e%ulation to do all o" the% &hat the sa& did !lease one. $" an o" the gallants or
ladies should sa, =et us drink, the &ould all drink. $" an one o" the% said, =et us !la, the all !laed. $" one said, =et us go a-
&alking into the "ields the &ent all. $" it &ere to go a-ha&king or a-hunting, the ladies %ounted u!on daint &ell-!aced nags,
seated in a statel !al"re saddle, carried on their lo,el "ists, %iniardl beglo,ed e,er one o" the%, either a s!arro&ha&k or a
laneret or a %arlin, and the oung gallants carried the other kinds o" ha&ks. )o nobl &ere the taught, that there &as neither he
nor she a%ongst the% but could read, &rite, sing, !la u!on se,eral %usical instru%ents, s!eak "i,e or si* se,eral languages, and
co%!ose in the% all ,er (uaintl, both in ,erse and !rose. 1e,er &ere seen so ,aliant knights, so noble and &orth, so de*terous
and skil"ul both on "oot and a-horse-back, %ore brisk and li,el, %ore ni%ble and (uick, or better handling all %anner o" &ea!ons
than &ere there. 1e,er &ere seen ladies so !ro!er and handso%e, so %iniard and daint, less "ro&ard, or %ore read &ith their
hand and &ith their needle in e,er honest and "ree action belonging to that se*, than &ere there. For this reason, &hen the ti%e
ca%e that an %an o" the said abbe, either at the re(uest o" his !arents, or "or so%e other cause, had a %ind to go out o" it, he
carried along &ith hi% one o" the ladies, na%el, her &ho% he had be"ore that chosen "or his %istress, and #the' &ere %arried
together. And i" the had "or%erl in Thele%e li,ed in good de,otion and a%it, the did continue therein and increase it to a
greater height in their state o" %atri%on+ and did entertain that %utual lo,e till the ,er last da o" their li"e, in no less ,igour and
"er,enc than at the ,er da o" their &edding. /ere %ust not $ "orget to set do&n unto ou a riddle &hich &as "ound under the
ground as the &ere laing the "oundation o" the abbe, engra,en in a co!!er !late, and it &as thus as "ollo&eth.
A !ro!hetical Riddle
Poor %ortals, &ho &ait "or a ha!! da,
4heer u! our hearts, and hear &hat $ shall sa0
$" it be la&"ul "ir%l to belie,e
That the celestial bodies can us gi,e
Wisdo% to -udge o" things that are not et+
6r i" "ro% hea,en such &isdo% &e %a get
As %a &ith con"idence %ake us discourse
6" ears to co%e, their destin and course+
$ to % hearers gi,e to understand
That this ne*t &inter, though it be at hand,
@ea and be"ore, there shall a!!ear a race
6" %en &ho, loth to sit still in one !lace,
)hall boldl go be"ore all !eo!le's ees,
)uborning %en o" di,ers (ualities
To dra& the% unto co,enants and sides,
$n such a %anner that, &hate'er betides,
The'll %o,e ou, i" ou gi,e the% ear, no doubt,
With both our "riends and kindred to "all out.
The'll %ake a ,assal to gain-stand his lord,
And children their o&n !arents+ in a &ord,
All re,erence shall then be banished,
1o true res!ect to other shall be had.
The'll sa that e,er %an should ha,e his turn,
Both in his going "orth and his return+
And hereu!on there shall arise such &oes,
)uch -arrings, and con"used to's and "ro's,
That ne,er &ere in histor such coils
)et do&n as et, such tu%ults and garboils.
Then shall ou %an gallant %en see b
?alour stirr'd u!, and outh"ul "er,enc,
Who, trusting too %uch in their ho!e"ul ti%e,
=i,e but a &hile, and !erish in their !ri%e.
1either shall an, &ho this course shall run,
=ea,e o"" the race &hich he hath once begun,
Till the the hea,ens &ith noise b their contention
/a,e "ill'd, and &ith their ste!s the earth's di%ension.
Then those shall ha,e no less authorit,
That ha,e no "aith, than those that &ill not lie+
For all shall be go,erned b a rude,
Base, ignorant, and "oolish %ultitude+
The ,eriest lout o" all shall be their -udge,
6 horrible and dangerous deluge>
3eluge $ call it, and that "or good reason,
For this shall be o%itted in no season+
1or shall the earth o" this "oul stir be "ree,
Till suddenl ou in great store shall see
The &aters issue out, &ith &hose strea%s the
Most %oderate o" all shall %oistened be,
And -ustl too+ because the did not s!are
The "locks o" beasts that innocentest are,
But did their sine&s and their bo&els take,
1ot to the gods a sacri"ice to %ake,
But usuall to ser,e the%sel,es "or s!ort0
And no& consider, $ do ou e*hort,
$n such co%%otions so continual,
What rest can take the globe terrestrial2
Most ha!! then are the, that can it hold,
And use it care"ull as !recious gold,
B kee!ing it in gaol, &hence it shall ha,e
1o hel! but hi% &ho being to it ga,e.
And to increase his %ourn"ul accident,
The sun, be"ore it set in th' occident,
)hall cease to dart u!on it an light,
More than in an ecli!se, or in the night,--
)o that at once its "a,our shall be gone,
And libert &ith it be le"t alone.
And et, be"ore it co%e to ruin thus,
$ts (uaking shall be as i%!etuous
As Aetna's &as &hen Titan's sons la under,
And ield, &hen lost, a "ear"ul sound like thunder.
$nari%e did not %ore (uickl %o,e,
When T!heus did the ,ast huge hills re%o,e,
And "or des!ite into the sea the% thre&.
Thus shall it then be lost b &as not "e&,
And changed suddenl, &hen those that ha,e it
To other %en that a"ter co%e shall lea,e it.
Then shall it be high ti%e to cease "ro% this
)o long, so great, so tedious e*ercise+
For the great &aters told ou no& b %e,
Will %ake each think &here his retreat shall be+
And et, be"ore that the be clean dis!erst,
@ou %a behold in th' air, &here nought &as erst,
The burning heat o" a great "la%e to rise,
=ick u! the &ater, and the enter!rise.
$t resteth a"ter those things to declare,
That those shall sit content &ho chosen are,
With all good things, and &ith celestial %an #ne,'
And richl reco%!ensed e,er %an0
The others at the last all stri!!'d shall be,
That a"ter this great &ork all %en %a see,
/o& each shall ha,e his due. This is their lot+
6 he is &orth !raise that shrinketh not>
1o sooner &as this enig%atical %onu%ent read o,er, but Gargantua, "etching a ,er dee! sigh, said unto those that stood b, $t is
not no& onl, $ !ercei,e, that !eo!le called to the "aith o" the gos!el, and con,inced &ith the certaint o" e,angelical truths, are
!ersecuted. But ha!! is that %an that shall not be scandali<ed, but shall al&as continue to the end in ai%ing at that %ark &hich
God b his dear )on hath set be"ore us, &ithout being distracted or di,erted b his carnal a""ections and de!ra,ed nature.
The %onk then said, What do ou think in our conscience is %eant and signi"ied b this riddle2 What2 said Gargantua,--the
!rogress and carring on o" the di,ine truth. B )t. Goderan, said the %onk, that is not % e*!osition. $t is the stle o" the !ro!het
Merlin. Make u!on it as %an gra,e allegories and glosses as ou &ill, and dote u!on it ou and the rest o" the &orld as long as
ou !lease+ "or % !art, $ can concei,e no other %eaning in it but a descri!tion o" a set at tennis in dark and obscure ter%s. The
suborners o" %en are the %akers o" %atches, &hich are co%%onl "riends. A"ter the t&o chases are %ade, he that &as in the u!!er
end o" the tennis-court goeth out, and the other co%eth in. The belie,e the "irst that saith the ball &as o,er or under the line. The
&aters are the heats that the !laers take till the s&eat again. The cords o" the rackets are %ade o" the guts o" shee! or goats. The
globe terrestrial is the tennis-ball. A"ter !laing, &hen the ga%e is done, the re"resh the%sel,es be"ore a clear "ire, and change
their shirts+ and ,er &illingl the %ake all good cheer, but %ost %erril those that ha,e gained. And so, "are&ell>