The Dynamics of a Relationship

DR. RENU SHETH

Falling in love isnt easy, but here's a guide to getting it right.
Few human experiences inspire the depth of joy or sorrow that accompanies the growth
and development of intimacy between people. Being social beings, much of what we do
stem from our attempts to establish and maintain meaningful and positive relationships.
Our emotional connectivity with other people depends on the relationships we form and
maintain with them.
The meaning of the term
A relationship results when the minds, moods and feelings of two people are totally in
sync. They are totally tuned in to each other.
Harmonious relationships are based on mutual trust, respect and understanding.
Unsatisfactory ones lead to heartache and bitterness. Nothing we think or do is
completely independent of the relationships we are in.
In spite of the sense of comfort and companionship that relationships offer us, we do tend
to take them for granted. Positive relationships are powerful driving forces in our lives
and we must acknowledge the role and significance that our relationships play in
influencing our behaviour towards other people.
How relationships start
Relationships are the consequences of our social nature. We like other people to the
extent that our interactions with them are rewarding or reinforcing. Our perceptions of
other peoples personalities and their feelings as well as the reasons for their behaviour
guide us in deciding our response to them. These perceptions also decide the type of
relationships that we will form with other people. Different people may form different
relationships in the same situation based on their impressions, attributes and social and
cultural influences. Lasting relationships are usually with people with whom we are
likely to have sustained contact. They could be classmates from school and college,
neighbours, colleagues or even people who take the same train as you to work.
Stages of a relationship
As a relationship develops, it goes through various stages.
Awareness: The person notices the other and makes a few observations but there is no
interaction. Like you notice the new guy whos joined work today, but dont make any
effort to go and introduce yourself.
Surface Contact: The two individuals begin to interact following the appropriate
behaviour and social etiquette patterns dictated by cultural norms. At this stage the two
individuals share their feelings, expectations and experiences. Youve watched the guy
for a few days and you realize that he shares your passion for the opera, so you two start

to go to concerts together, may be followed by dinner together sometimes. This process

decides how far the relationship will develop.
Mutuality: At this stage the individuals begin to acquire some feelings of responsibility
for the outcome of the relationship. The meetings get more frequent until you realize that
this guy fills up the vacuum in your life, just by being there. The earlier cultural norms
are replaced by more specific norms of trust, honesty and respect.
Maintaining Relationships
Avoiding misunderstandings: Relationships that take years to build and develop can be
broken in a matter of minutes. Neglecting each other, deceit, unmet expectations are some
of the problems leading to a break up. Faulty communications at an emotional level is
also the cause of many a relationship turning sour. It is important for the partners to
remain emotionally connected to each other at all times.
Resolving differences: This depends on the partners involved. If either feels that they have
grown out of a relationship or cant relate to each other anymore, then the relationship is
as good as over. Talking out sensitive issues from time to time helps diffuse a potential
relationship-breaking situation and prevent any in the future.
Keeping it going: Relationships dont come with a lifetime guarantee. They have to be
nourished and enriched all the time. Each partner bears an equal responsibility in
maintaining the relationship. They are interdependent. Disagreements have to be ironed
out by both partners. Each should take an active role in nourishing the relationship. The
give and take ratio should be 60:40 for either partner rather than 50:50. The overlap feeds
the relationship and also either partner is ensured of the others continued interest in
keeping the relationship alive.
Little things that matter
The Power of Touch
When the relationship is new, the partners have ample physical contact. They cuddle,
fondle and touch each other frequently, but as the relationship progresses this habit
becomes increasingly rare. A baby crying in its crib doesnt want a gold ring or
conversation, he wants to be held and patted. Adults need physical contact too. They need
to cuddle together for warmth and comfort in a cold and indifferent world. Giving each
other a massage after a long day, snuggling up to watch TV, all these are simple ways of
reaffirming your tenderness and affection for each other.
Absence makes the heart fonder?
What is it that is so exciting in a new relationship, and that is so often missing as the
years go by? Curiosity. And what is missing in a young love and feels so good in an old
marriage? Familiarity.
Both are important in a relationship and it is essential to strike a balance between the two.
Proximity and distance should be balanced out. Couples who are frequently separated
often emphasize how such breaks from each other can recharge their sensuality.

But even when partners are rarely physically separated, autonomy can still be maintained,
by having individual activities and interests. Many partners fear that they will grow apart
if each goes their own way. However the opposite is true: people get subconsciously tired
of each other when they do everything together.
The Art of Dialogue
Silence is a lethal passion killer, whereas honest talk stimulates love. Whats honest talk?
Communication that is deeper than the normal chat about daily events. New lovers tell
each other a lot about themselves, they talk of their feelings for each other and let their
partners share their thoughts. If this communication peters out, then there is just no
charge left in the relationship.
The rules: set aside a fixed time to talk. No accusations permitted, no pressure exertedeach partner should simply listen to what the other has to say. What should partners talk
about? About themselves, their relationship, bodily feelings, erotic desire. Obviously this
doesnt come easy for a routine. But if the partners persist, they feel stimulated, thus
creating fertile ground for tenderness. The primary purpose of this conversation is not to
convey information. Its purpose is to say, I am here and I know you are here for me
too.