SUMMARY OF

HOW TO STOP FEELING LIKE SH*T

14 HABITS THAT ARE HOLDING YOU BACK FROM HAPPINESS

BY ANDREA OWEN
Introduction

Have you ever felt as though you're running out of options? As if your life is a mess and you don't know
where to start looking. It's as if your past decisions have ruined you and there's nothing you can do
about it.

Most of us have experienced a period in our life when we believe everything is collapsing around us and
no one can help us get through it.

Attempting to change our habits does not happen immediately; it requires a great deal of trial and error.

The important thing is to keep going and growing! You won't be able to stop learning because it is a
lifelong process. As time passes, you will learn more about yourself and notice new flaws to improve on,
as well as more strengths to praise.
Being an Asshole to Yourself: Learn to Manage Your Inner Critic

MAIN IDEA:

Our worst enemy is sometimes ourselves. We tell all those hurtful things before anyone else can say
them to us. And this behavior can make us feel bad about own selves. We can offer love and everything
to someone else, but we can't always give it to within us. We are hard on ourselves than we are on
others. We compare, and we can never be truly happy when we do.

This is our inner critic. It is the voice inside our head that tells negative comments about the different
aspects of our lives. This was rooted from an experience, and we usually use this inner critic to protect
ourselves because we are afraid of what other people might say unto us. Consciously or unconsciously,
we let this inner critic rule our life, and if it gets worse, it will damage our self-esteem and self-
compassion. The more we listen to these negative thoughts, the more we believe that it is true. Great
thing is that, since this inner critic is part of us, we can manage it, instead of being a destructor, we could
learn to use it a motivator.

STORY:

Heather, a young woman who grew up in a family where body and physical attractiveness were highly
valued. She grew up being insecure about her figure. This is where her inner critic comes from. She was
conscious and judgmental of her appearance. Her worth is determined by how others see her. She
enjoyed the attention she received from others and the feeling that they liked her, especially from the
boys. When someone thinks she's attractive, she feels loved. When she was in her forties, this basis of
self-worth collapsed. She understands that her personality is not dictated by her appearance, but the
insecurities have been attached in her for a long time and are difficult to remove.

Our inner critic is caused by a lot of things, including our family, culture, and the individuals we interact
with. But you know what's great? We'll figure something out. We can change the harmful nature of
these negative comments into something more motivating. You can use our tools and advice to practice
being kinder to yourself.

You must first recognize where this inner critic started. Make a list of all the areas of your life and then
ask yourself what your inner critic thinks of you in each one. First, determine what needs to be fixed.
Another thing to consider is that you should understand what causes these negative inner talks so that
you can respond appropriately when you recognize them.

We can only be effective at these practices if we practice and become consistent with them. Remember
that you're a human being who can make mistakes; this could be the root of your inner critic's lack of
self-esteem. As a result, you must learn to forgive yourself. You must recognize that these errors
occurred, and you must admit and accept responsibility for them. Not to critic yourself, but to set
yourself free.
Go Away and Leave Me Alone: Isolating and Hiding Out Isn’t Protecting You

MAIN IDEA:

Aside from the tips and tools that we can use to practice being kinder to ourselves, we could also
connect with trusted people on our lives. But, while we do have friends, it sometimes feels as if we are
not truly attached to them deeply. No man, or woman is an island, we need each other to survive. But,
for the most part, we keep our secrets to ourselves. We may be always physically present, yet we have a
tend to hide our true feelings. We are afraid to ask for help when we need it. Afraid of appearing weak,
bothering someone, or fearing that no one will listen. We have a lot of reasons for hiding our true
feelings.

We're allowing the inner critic to talk down to us once more in this scenario. We may not realize it, but
we are occasionally hiding, isolating ourselves because we are terrified of being vulnerable. We don't
want to open ourselves up for a variety of reasons. Perhaps we were betrayed, or perhaps we tried but
did not receive the answer we required from a buddy, which is also possible. Like the inner critic, we
could always work out this problem, so that you won’t feel frustrated anymore. What do you need to
do? Open and let those people around you, hear what you wanted from them. Be honest and true to
what you feel.

STORY:

Truthfulness was the key in reconciliation between two great friends, Lisa, and Carrie. They had been
friends for a long time, yet they had drifted away. They'd said a lot of hurtful things to each other. Lisa
wanted to reach out to Carrie and see if they might repair their connection. To do so, she must first do
things that may make some people uncomfortable. She must admit that she was hurt and that she still
wishes for them to have a better friendship. She apologized and told Carrie how she wanted their
friendship to look like. Carrie agreed. She also apologized to Lisa, and their friendship has become
stronger as a result. Because they effectively communicated what they want, namely, empathy for one
another.

Although this case was a nice example, there are others who do not have the same results. That is
mostly why many women have chosen to keep their feelings and problems to themselves. The key to
finding that friend to whom you can confide in is trust. Find someone you can trust and tell them how
you really feel; you never know, they might be just what you need. But don't blame them if they can't be
the kind of friend you need. Some of us aren't aware that we're being bad friends, and maybe you are
too.

It takes time, just like any other type of development. We can eventually become the friend that
someone needs. You'll also meet the friend who understands you. Maybe you've already met her, but
you're still hiding. So don't be afraid to share your emotions, create trust, and show empathy to one
another.
Checking Out: Are Your Numbing Mechanism Still Working for You?

MAIN IDEA:

Back in the previous chapter we talked about how to trust someone with our feelings, although it’s a
good practice some of us didn’t get the same positive results. That’s why there are women who choose
another way to numb the pain. Everyone wants to be happy, and to be happy we push out any feelings
that contradicts joy. Numbing our pain is one of the habits we do because we don’t want to face the
harder emotions. No one has ever been excited to feel those emotions that will hurt us, we avoid it. The
key here is to walk through the problem, face it, and move forward. Sounds impossible for some, but it
will be totally worth it.

There are different ways that people use to numb their pain. It may include, shopping, eating out or just
scrolling on Facebook – although they don’t look like destructive, but if spent too much time it will went
to addiction that sounds like the use of alcohol, drugs, and other thing to hide away from pain. Our
numbing mechanism may look like self-care to us. We may not have an instrument to measure when a
certain activity becomes a numbing mechanism, but only you can identify it.

STORY:

A mother said that whenever she feels like she wanted to clear her head she grabs a glass of wine. At
first this may look like self-care, for she is just rewarding herself. But since the practice was done every
day, it was now a habit. She mentally drifts away using that wine. She wanted to escape the
expectations strap into the life of being a mom.

Women tend to numb their pain away, pretend to be happy and on track. They hide their true feelings,
buried it deep down because of judgement by people around them. Hiding away from our feelings
doesn’t solve the issue. No matter how ugly these things are, identify where it came from, when it
appears and how we could fix it. All these emotions are part of you, and we must recognize it.

Since this is a habit, it will take time to slowly get out of our system. We must name what emotions are
we burying and feel them. Set out a schedule to just let it all go, all the tears, let it flow. This practice is
freeing. Even sometimes we don’t really know what we feel or why we feel such, that’s fine. Never ever
compare your feelings to others, we all go through different problems. Don’t feel awful just because you
feel that way, you are a human being. Don’t let other people dictate what you should feel, because if
you let them, you’ll be back in numbing it out. We can also tell people we trust about how we feel, there
are people who would love to listen to you. Trust yourself that you can do it, it may be a little difficult
but slow step can still make a huge progress overtime.
Feeling Like a Fraud: The Imposter Complex

MAIN IDEA:

Trust is a big word. Women find it difficult to trust other people with their feelings, and worse, they
don’t also trust themselves. We sometimes don’t trust what we feel and end up burying them and
disconnect to other people. Many women also don’t trust their capabilities. We feel like we are fake,
and that is what Imposter Complex does. They think that whatever good thing that happened to them
was just a mere luck and charm, or maybe pity. That eventually the luck will die down and they will be
revealed as someone who is not capable. It may be in their careers and in their relationship.

This kind of thinking may root from our family, the way we are treated when we are little has a lot to do
with it. Or maybe, it was simply our culture. The culture that men is always better, and women should
try double harder and if they reached something, they felt like they still don’t deserve it. This habit is a
thought process, and we have ways to stop doing it. Yes, you can! We will go through some practices
that you must apply to get rid of that Imposter Complex.

STORY:

Feeling the imposter complex was not new to Rachel. She went to a nursing school and graduated with
honors, but then even after this she thinks that she didn’t really know what she is doing. She thinks that
her previous exams were all product of luck. She thought to herself that she doesn’t really know
anything. Now that she is working in the ER, she feels like she is the least competent one. She questions
her accomplishments. Rachel is just one of those women who feels the Imposter complex. Doubting all
your capabilities and feeling little about themselves. They have an impossibly high standard about what
should they do or where should they be. Feeling like fraud could also be taken on our being a
perfectionist. The truth is, no one knows everything, and it is okay. Because while we are still living, we
are learning, and as well as making mistakes.

The people around you are not incompetent and little minded that they can be fooled by anything this is
one of the reasons why you shouldn’t believe in that inner critic who tells you that you don’t deserve all
the praises and recognition you receive. When you speak about yourself, we try not to sound boastful,
but don’t belittle yourself too much. Like on the previous habits, we should practice being true and
honest to ourselves. Recognizing how awesome your work is not bragging. Welcome feedbacks the way
you welcome an unexpected gift.

Whenever you feel like the inner critic is winning in making you feel like a fraud, remember that you are
qualified, you are valid and most of all you earned all the good things that you have, and you deserve it.
You are bigger than what your imposter is telling you, don’t let her win.
Perfectionism Prison: Self Destruction at Its Finest

MAIN IDEA:

Usually when you feel incompetent, fraud or that imposter complex is crawling again, it is a result of our
idea of being perfect. Most of the women, whether they admit it or not, works hard for perfection. They
are goal oriented, they focused on success. Nothing is wrong with being goal driven, the thing is, what
does this perfectionism costing you? Too much craving for perfection can destroy you, your relationship
and worse, it can prevent you from experiencing real happiness.

Perfectionism rooted from fear and shame and this habit can control our actions, decisions, and the way
we run our life. It’s as if, the goal to be perfect in everything is controlling you and when you make a
little mistake, everything will fall apart. Think about why you are doing all these things, is this for you or
is this for the people watching you? We don’t want that to happen in our life, so while we can, let us
practice releasing the strong hold of perfectionism in our lives.

STORY:

This perfectionism habit sometimes came from the family, well most of the habit really begin with family
since we grew up there. Rane grew up in perfectionist family. Her grandparents were extremely
conscious with the house cleanliness. Her parents expect her to be an excellent student, less than
excellent is not considered. Because of it, she really strived to perfection. At school, in her career and
now even in parenthood. This perfectionism was attached to her even if she had her own child. Many
are like Rane, who let perfectionism lived with them. Thinking that if they are not perfect, they are not
good enough or they are not accepted. The feeling of being perfect and accepted is powerful.

Perfectionist finds it difficult to deal with criticism. It goes over their head, and it will control their day at
least. They get angry and lose their temper. In this moment, you must think, if that person who criticized
doesn’t know anything about you personally, don’t let them get in your head. Because if you do, you will
start blaming yourself and creating imaginary worse case scenarios, that will just make things worse. You
should also learn to set realistic goals, don’t over do yourself. Yes, you are capable but give yourself
permission to rest, or to mess things up.

You are too afraid to ruin your perfect plan, your afraid to pause for a bit because you might be left
behind. Remember again why are you doing all this? Is it for yourself or for others? I hope its not for
other people who measure you by the things you can do. If this is for yourself, don’t work yourself too
much, because right now you are doing great, you are doing your best.
The Blame Game: Your Ticket to Disconnection

MAIN IDEA:

Throughout the previous chapters we kept on mentioning how these habits are used by people
specifically women in protecting themselves. Most of the times, protecting ourselves also means putting
the pain directly to us so that we won’t be hurt by others. But there could be times that for us to protect
ourselves, we blame others. We do this because its easier than to face the real problem is or to admit
the uncomfortable truths.

When we put the blame to other people, we forgot that somehow, they also have feelings. Blaming is
caused by anger and raged. Too much that we forget reasons and considerations. Giving out the blame
feels freeing, but the truth is, it is not. We forget to look at where does this anger came from or if you
are still being reasonable. We don’t want to be hurt that’s why we look for someone to blame. When
this became a part of you, its difficult to take out. That’s why we are here to talk about how we could
eliminate the blame and start facing the problems and start feeling honest freedom.

STORY:

Andrea Owen, yes, the author of this book, had her fair share of blaming others. During her past
relationship, she blamed everything to her husband for what happened to their marriage. He messed
things up and never treated her well that’s why its easy for her to blame him. In doing so, she forgot to
see her own issues. Part of putting all the blame to someone is never really understanding where the
anger and rage came from.

As the years go by, she understands how to release this blaming habit. A person should start in realizing
when and where this blame will be triggered. Which situation do you usually blame other people? This
first step is difficult because it requires us to be open. We have dig deep in our past and see if there is
anything that will explain why we blame people? Usually, it is because we are angry, and we don’t know
how to express it. The feeling of anger is valid, and we don’t need to avoid it or bury it down, it needs to
be expressed. Because if not, it will just burst out on inappropriate places.

If we blame other people just because we don’t want to face the real problem or we don’t want to get
hurt, we will lose them. It takes courage to overcome this habit, but we are here for you. There are a lot
of things we can do to solve it. Starting from now, we focus on the solution.
Conclusion

We discovered that the things we do that lead to harm are sometimes the things we need to do because
we believe it will benefit us. We are human beings, capable of making mistakes, making poor decisions,
and making poor judgments. The effects are terrible, but we shouldn't put all the blame on ourselves.
You know, it's simply how life goes sometimes. It's good one day, and then it's bad the next.

We could begin by listening to our inner critic and using it as a motivator. Our own negative comments
should not stop us from achieving greater ambitions. Things that we can share with others, especially
our closest friends. We must be brave enough to face our true feelings rather than hiding them. Even
painful feelings should be confronted rather than numbing them with activities. We are so much better
than those negative aspects, and you are so much better than you believe. Trust in yourself and your
ability. Even if you fail to achieve an impossible goal, you are still the best. Stop trying to be perfect and
start being realistic.

You are not alone, so stop hurting yourself; you are allowed to happiness. Embrace your fears and
overcome them. Fear is a natural part of life, and the more we overcome it, the stronger we grow. It will
never be easy in the beginning, but progress, no matter how little, is progress still.
Why should you read this summary?

You must understand that you are important. Stop punishing yourself. It's okay to feel your emotion,
therefore start identifying them. It is valid. This book will open your eyes to many things. Some of our
habits are built to keep us, yet they prevent us from being truly happy. If you want to feel better, you'll
want to read this summary.

Who will learn from this summary?

• Struggling women

• Concern men

• Teachers and other professionals

• All people who feels like their life is not at its best.

About the Author

Andrea Owen is a best-selling author, international speaker, and professional certified life coach who
specializes in assisting high-achieving women in gaining unwavering confidence and mastering
resilience.