HOOD'S

OWN

OR,

"efflr U

twm
Sl,ffliis"l)to^

BEING

FORMER

RUNNINGS

NEW

BLOOD

OF

HIS

COMIC

WITH

AN

CIRCULATION.

GENERAL

FOR

VEIN,

"ear"

LONDON.

EDWARD

MOXON,
MDCCCXLVI.

DOVER

STREET.

INFUSION

OF

LONDON:

BRADBDRT
AMD

EVAN8,
FRINTKRS,

WHITBFRIARS.

in

CONTENTS.

Preface
The
An

PugsleyPapers
Ancient

The
Ode
The
Over
A

Last
to

the

for

Editor
A

Letter

.28

32

34

......

Verse

in

Rhyme,

in

Letter

36

the

to

39

Market

Gardener

Society
Asides

25

........

22

.24

.19

Director

Writing Blank

from

Domestic

Venerable

of the Dominie

Way

Under-Ostler

Brunei

Death

an

Below

Shilling

M.

Plan

by

Report from

by

Emigrant

an

Steam

on

Concert

Letter from

Sonnet
A

**...!

...

Truth

; or

to

the

in Parenthesis

Black, White, and Brown

cultural
the Horti-

Secretaryof

42

.44

44

Epigrams
"

Composed
Last

The
The

Devil's Album

The

Schoolmaster

The

Lost Heir

Sketches

on

The

on

Reading a Diarylatelypublished

Wish

49

......

Abroad

49

50

.51

56

the Road"
Observer

TheContra:^t

60

......

61

CONTENTS.

John

Day

The

Parish

patheticballad

; a

Revolution
.....

The

Furlough ;

Number
The

One

Assent

Ducks

SallySimpkin'sLament
A

; or,

Horse-Dealer

The

Fall

The

lUuminati

Young Lady

....

of Mount

the Summut

to

the prose of

versified from

Drowning

An

Irish anecdote

an

John

Blank
Jones's

Kit-Cat-Astrophe

.....

Sonnet
The

Steam

Service

Lay

Valentine,

Poem,
A

The

Elland

The

Life

of Real

"

Weather-

-To

P.

Murphy, Esq.,M.N.S.

Meeting
the Polish

from

Step-father

Conveyancing
A

Letter from

Sonnet
A

Settler for Life in Van

.....

Serio-Comic

Reminiscence
of

Epicurean Reminiscences
Saint Mark's
I'm not
A

Eve

"

The

Discovery

Little O' P."

Debutante

The

Angler'sFarewell

Song

Black
on

and

White

Coming

Pillory

of

Question

Age

....

Exhibition
singular

The

Fact

the Question

Popping

Letter

African

An

The

The

time

the Road

on

Apparition

Stanzas

tale of the olden

of the Love

The

The

Sentimentalist

Pensioner

Burning

Sketches

Sea

SingleMan

Greenwich

The

Diemen

Yeomanry

at

Somerset

House

Land

CONTENTS.

VI

CONTENTS.

PAGE

Pair'd not match'd

The

Duel"

Ballad

Serious

The

Sonnet

An

"

Extravaganza,after

Rabelais

Vauxhall

to

....

Malthus

to Mr.

Ode
A

Dancer

Rope

Direction

Good

....

The

of

Sporting

Romance

in that

Pleasures

There's

The

no

....

Abstraction
.....

Waterloo

Ballad
..."

Miller Redivivus
.....

ZoologicalReport

....

LiteraryReminiscences
Shooting Pains
The

Run-over

The

Boy

....

.....

the Nore

at

Johnsoniana
.....

The

Great

Ode

to

The

Apparition

The
A

Earthquakeat Mary-le-bone

St. Swithin

The

Man

Lines
The

Nelson

Sonnet

My

to

Scotch

The

to

.....

The

Domestic
Pain

in

and

Correspondence

Jubb

Letters

Duggins

Didactics
a

"

by

Pleasure-boat

Spent Ball

Accident

....

an

Old
....

.....

Literary and Literal

The

Seaman

Conflagration

Private

Huggins

Departure for

India

Girl, Washing Linen

Decayed

Great

....

her

on

......

Apology

Sonnet

....

Lady

....

Hastings

at

to

Motto

Supper Superstition

Storm

.....

Snake-snack

Schoolmaster's

Blind

.....

.....

....

Servant

after her country fashion

253

"m

CONTENTS.

PAGB

The

Domestic

Dilemma

and

Those
Lines
The

To

499
....

Bells

Friend

"

I'd be

"
"

"

Parody

528
.

Cobham

at

529

Conversazione

Quakers'

Sonnet
Lines
the

on

The
The
To

My

Bad

the

Road

Celebration

of Peace

Call

Literary

535

Toby

639

....

Rider
and

534

536
.

541

....

Son

529

"

Morning
of

Lament
a

On

"

Sketches

"

497

Lunacy

Evening

448)

page

VIII

Chapter
Love

{conelvdedfrom

Heir

542

.....

Reminiscences

645

HAVE

WOTE

FOR

GRINNAGE

Courteous

Reader

that

Presuming
Comic
half
as

Annual

binding
old

an

with

from
and

friend

of

the

freedom

many

years

all

Child-Hood,

its

began

have

you

to

the

run

first put

into

consider

you

accordingly treat

you

when

it

confidence

shall

of the

something

alone, I make

family, and

and

known

was

bold

that

to

pertain

to

such

ripe

connexions.
How

is

it, think

you,

*'

since

we

first

were

acquent?"

By

"

with
a

the

space

the

lead-line
of

nine!''''

deep
:

no

infinite

sings

out

the

great lapse in the

importance

in

old

bald

world's

individual

Count

Fathom

chronology, but
history.

For

in-

PREFACE,

it has

Stance,

wrought a

mind, of your

humble

very

sympathy, or

your

serious
servant

it is not,

"

what

indulgein

to

in the state of my

will be

ear

truth is, that,being

admit

to

you

wiser

is still secure

the absence

In

of

from

you

"

of

carnival,so

to

plainlyof

the

will not

then ?

what

be

in words

Peter

"

delivered

learn that
have

been

of

am

In
a

emaciated

sketches

short,as

bad

the

have

creations

droll

or

the

"

very

hint

become

and, by
to

turely
prema-

hand

to

body
em-

recreations

as
heartily

from

more

sombre
to

realities. It

suppose

of

set

to
prefer

believe in the

and do

me

ministryof

courtesies."

the sunbeam, I

Good

my

the whim

Instead of

friends with

of

to

late

spitefulimps sitting
up
annoyances

kindlier Elves

whereas

these

and bid them

the animal

that

scaringaway

invoke them,
earnestly

make
spirits
tricksy

was

the

at

ever

that
Picturesques

of

(a PantagruelianFamiliar)charitably
conjuresup
me

littlebody.

very

stilllends

the

retained my

happens

colour with

hand

have

coats

to

of

some

the pen,

into trowsers,

I seem
Schlemihl's,

to aggravate all his petty mundane

aloft,

the

my

"

those gaunt sides yet shake

pleasantComedian,

me

of your

was

hold

now

turned

Grotesquesand Arabesquesand
divert

to

"

prepared to

substance.

That
and

Merry Fancy:
Genius

as

forthcomingnumbers

pantaloonsare

old port wine, I

But

simple

I propose

"

ills thai Jleshis heir to

"

sold my

and

The

gentleman literally
enjoying bad health
Jour Maigre. The
speak,of a personified

bargainthan

shadow

public

great coats, my
worse

that the

man,

lecture

slender,that
aristocratically

fingersso

terested
inparticularly

and
blue-and-yellowvisage,
one
effigies
day be affixed to the
may

the merriest effiisionsin the

relaxations

be

system of Practical Cheerful

such

certain thin

"

present work,

bids
fordispensation,

Yorick.

figure, whose

attenuated

sadder

the

"

personal

my

Melodies.

to my

not

of

to

which, perchance,the cranium

to

the skull of Poor

over

but

Private View

my

Philosophy,thanks
Humourist

I allude

or
SufFerage,

as

calls

Byron

generalcan

Household
Maladies

open to my

as

in

the

on

however, to bespeak

Scot and lot character of the

think that the world

to

me

body, if not

Lord

that
gloomy vanityof drawing from self,"

experience. The

the

change on

"

nod

and
spirits,

to

in

motes

welcome

for
do

PREFACE.

I, like

not

father

forgethalf my
sportsare

as

For

body.

"

cares

wholesome

for the mind

our

treatment

on

own

terrible Enemy the

by

us

worky-dayworld

from this
This

is

but it is

true

as

I have

it is

as

ordinaryin
much

It

myself with

as

like the sun,

long as

so

everything.

her old

began

look

Hobby

darklyenough ;

Never

throw

certain

down

Come

give

"

the
cricket-players,

out, but

of the
but it may
you

must

Barber's

throw

never

body

"

more
a

us

to
a

To

not
thinness,

to

the

at

said

sure,

As

to

b2

the

on

The

for your

can

out

make

of

caught

or

at

eat, you

cannot

spit.

like that best

snows,

more

Health, it's the

blows, it

she,matters

game.

bowled

Be

the Barmecide's

flatter,
you look like

givein.

to

lights.Allons

pig said

song! chirpaway

by-and-by. You
drink ; but laugh and

brother

wise

be

as

clear up
not

my

the Morris-Dance,

get all the play you

it rains,it
it hails,

mould,

However

mind

no

need for the

the bat.

bright

the

on

coach horse, she

long-tailed

cricket himself.
down

of the

resolved,that,

violets.

the

in

persuadedmyself

caperedin

turn,

DulhgQ

laid up

be

look

would

cards,but playout the

your

lose,the wiser

to

money.

take

Things may

Courage !

that had

; but

had
luckily

the black

but the

say, from

could

agency

the smell of the

was

exhort from its back.

to

the Peri,**

and

Physiciansquite as

croaked, but

mind

body might cry craven, my

So, instead of mountingon
on

of

prospect

raven

own.

indeed the shades

that it nourished

but I remembered

vaulted

case

: there
nightingale

the

was

The

would

care

day lasted,I

my

her

by what other

"

the

my

fondlystealing

practical
joke to

the

over
stealing

gloamingwere

that it

far from

was

an

else could I have converted

Cockney

by

be

Love, blessingus

Paradise

"

or

to

are

tended

sphereof

sunny

wellness

comic

foreignland,under

abroad

side of

we

or

and
precious,"

How

new.

myself,as
transported

Grmnsige ?

and

to

unknown

an

novel version,Reader, of

serious illnessinto

to

like

"

favours secret, sweet, and

*'

of that excellent Friend

ScratchingFanny,

affectionate Invisible Girl

with

the other frolics for the

as

it depends whether
Imagination,

haunted

and

scared

urchins, do not I
romping with his own
in their airygambols? Such
whilst partaking

ther
wea-

present,
say, and

believe, like the

feast.

Then,

lath that has had

as
a

to

split

PREFACE.

with the carpenter and

the

how

better

remember

luggerto
You

and

have

wife
Is

lifeyour

not

see

of

means

?
living

quitedisinterested

in this advice

^forI

"

take

for that very reason,

body, and giveit as long a day as

poor

mind

Now, my
well

seeming to
1 followed
profitably,

as

with

bundle

my

ourselves

that

at

when
in

the

it would

obtains

lease than

than usual

all my

my
times

Gentle

Between

legs.

the

pay

debt

quite know,

to

of
be

candid,

I am,

"

the Universal

humming

physiciangives me
the

but

what

boys! Comus

and

The

Momus

nine for Democritus

of the Blue

reader,how

danger,with

Devils

have

and

my

grog,

the

manoeuvres

ever

No

be

longer

is lower

keepit up

"

my

the covenants.

to

goes

hung
f

So

Heraclitus
my

last bottle

they Prussian

blue

Laughing Philosophy?

justheard, come
a

of

need

here

And

like this

you

clawed,by miracle,off
to

for

ultramarine

do

you

more

Mortgagee ?

hopes

foreignreading of

of that ?

knows

Alive !'* and

Jack's

"

played

creditor,who

human

parties

behaviour
pleasant

such

as

nature

to settle it, so, like other

indeed,that,anatomically,
my heart

down
sitting

the past

do I

nor

successful with

prove

joyous cheers

that has

arms

might,and

indigo,powder-blue or

The

"

respitefrom

of Elixir at the heads

or

journey,

my

extremely inconvenient,"as

been

appearedfrom

declares

Nine

and

calling

have

skilful native

dear

huzza!

instead of

my

all events, here

He

as
pleasantly

very

fable,I kept along on

suit me
altogether

that it may

own

body,

can

counsel, and

"

am

mortality"b
im-

own

circumstances,I laughed,and gossipped,and

sometimes

At

of my

matter

opium-eaterdeclare,to

agreeablewith

but

mind, I

my

thy

sticks, i. e,

particular
juncture;

narrow

the

of

it would

heard

once

am

her

for relief according

to the

out

the

treat

and

of the mortal

care

you

of you

man

thy business

aware

am

neglectyour

continued

Of course,

be alive !

"

to

that make

stick to

so

Come

life than

the

edge to

your

you

better halves

two

will stick to thee.

business

Turn

rightto slight
your

the

they are

"

won't

much

so

the sails of the

smugglers trim

the

he

mayhap

more

no

plaster;but

the

with

the notice of the cutter.

escape

old enemy,

fall out

from

crazy

vessel

lee-shore,and I, the skipper,

re-countingto you the tale of

that

were

used

to escape

the

PREPACK.

Or

perilousPoint.

rather,consider

Assurance, pointingout
eke out

you

may

care

of your

make

acids
everlasting

Barbadians.
it in

pack

salt it

Don't

it.

rope

is

Let

it.

health

your

of all its
you

as

have

indulge in

the

pot.

Hold

in

Despondency
kick

with

for his

bittock.

I have

sightof
"

Let

can.

you

take

wherefore

ha !

Game

"

lungs

best

heart, quickens the circulation,and

*'

short, as

be

give

up

like

mile

his visit in
is

againstcare

ha !

wherever

you

the chest,

have

Scotch

Chanticleer,"and

possible. It expands

as

make

let him

all round

one

ground.

may

In

once.

to

fence

like

crow

heaviest

should

him

have

to

care

your

cock

known

even

the

at

pace.

going to coughy-

half-way,but

pains; though it

Besides,the

the house.

spite

going the

are

you

both

trouble

meet

walk

the whole

Consider

of it,in

over-weightthat

the bucket

never

cases,

hang

dream, though

are

over

says,

is the

case

and

hyp."

well

as

you

cough, that

shooter

nice

the beam

other

the

don't

all,don't despond

instance,never

belief,that

time you

as

up,

Baths.

hack," of gallopingconsumption, or

Meltonian

fancy every

Don't

Hot

and

"

the

on

like the
spirits,

it

Above

thee

For

clever

"

it in

bury

parboilit,in

friend,and think
can.

you

Never

you

best

foibles,
as

may

have

"

your

Don't

Sanitaire.

anxiety

not

it in

preserve

pickle

or

"

Don't

say, to

down, like the Newfoundlanders.

Cordon

Life

policy,whereby

smoke-dry it

gooseberries. Don't pot

bad

the housewives

as

and

cure

ice,like Captain Back.

bottle it,like

about

how,

Don't

of

take precious
And, firstly,

like the Germans.

"

the Irish.

Don't
A

but

then, don't

Why

beneficial

term.

"

like
potato-pit,

and

natural

your

the Director

as

most

precioushealth,

it keep?

it in

to you

me

like

as

enlarges the

trumpet makes

the

dance."
spirits
for the Chesterfieldian

fico then

Smiles

ungenteelemotion.
politeness
; and
smile

is the

everybody can
his

soul, let

classes of

It is

bud.
take
no

such

part :"
man

of

sort

and
be

"

trusted."

hath

pinks

very

of

flower

vocal music"a
he who

laughteris

by the

the full-blown

but

laugh is

tolerated

are

tliat

canon,

thus

which

laughterin

Indeed, there

be shunned
to
Querists particularly

of

which

gleein
not

an

are

when

two

you

PREFACE.

hear^a

Bono?

Cui

? make

Rides

style;

"

with

well

preach.

as

place,"to

of its

own.

it is

have

hours

in

and

would

his

is v^'orth a

forget to

after

v^hole

Quid

take its
in such

give tongue

Hunt

"

duty

is the
It

cheerful

Happiness,**'
of

season

teaches

Philosophy
make

"

to

old Absolute

it to

recommend

to
not

prepared

independent of
to

says,

the system has worked

As

who

now

says

the mind

render

by compelling it,as

dogs

it*it be

but

room;

full cries

Melancholy."

Such, dear reader,

as

dull

your

vi^ithMirth

singlehurst

the

quit the house,

to

Nimrod

for, as

"

to leave

sure

point
but

None

number.

be

so

others

lucubrations

be

of

regular course

amused, and

which

sunshine

get
well
and

in

have

cares

your

enlivened

DUCTOUS

in

practise
a

shady

sun

my

and
own

like certain
own

moon

case,

titioners,
prac-

medicines,

lightreading, whereof
hope

that your

dull

diverted,by the laughing

Hood's

COMMUNS.

foul weather,

external

onlyprescribebut dispense their

present the first packet,in the humble

may

which

Own.

HOOD'S

,c"@|to

OWN

fmm

Wear

Wmt"

-^iv|g;M:::J^;i;i5^^

PASTOP.ALR

THE
How

IN

FLAT.

PUGSLEY

PAPERS.

the

into my
hands
must
main
refollowingcorrespondence came
rescued
The
neither
a
Waverley mystery.
Pugsley Papers were
from
the
like
collected
from
like the Cula
Evelyn,
cartridges
garret,
into a snow
loden,- nor saved, like the Garrick, from
being shredded
"

"

at

storm

Winter

the

shears, like
neither

the

Landlord,

"

Jonathan

Bag.
of

attics.
nor

Dustwich,

They

dreamt

eastern

the

unrolled

neither

were

and

from

given

Rammohun

spices,"
or

to

nor

by

"

harum

"

Khan,

dug

nor

Horam

nor

"

up,

the

translated

of

They

My
Rev.

some

Post

paper

"

son

left in
a

of

nor

"

"

"

in the

up

Asmar,

old

stolen,

pigeon,

trumped
Doctor

of

hackney coach,

carrier

turned
nor

none

walls

the

up,

nor

Tower,
like the

brought
Bowring from
"

nor

nor
by
Roy,
by
Scandinavian, Batavian, Pomeranian, Spanish, or Danish,
"

were

of

from

sold to me,

nor

me

tailor''s

Twopenny
papyri. They were

ancient

"

Foundling MS.,
of Horam

Letters,

strays

surreptitiously
copied,
misdelivered
play, nor

Kubla
of, like Coleridge's

tales

Clinker
and

from

communications

the

nor

waifs

line tninks, clothe

Sheridan's

like Milton's

over

"

the

nor

"

not

were

that

borrowed

like

not
snatched
They were
originalparchment of Magna Charta.

Legacy of a Dominie,
a
consignment,like the

They

those

Theatre.

or

Rus-

PUGSLEY

THE

sian,or Prussian,or

pickedfrom
mode

Dead

the
In

Museum.

other

any

Letter

short, I

not
languagedead or living.They were
Office,nor purloinedfrom the British

not, will not, hint

cannot, dare

: the
acquisition

of their

PAPERS.

be

reader must

the

in

the PugsleyPapers are

pointof authenticity,
celebrated
L.'s
Lady
Autographs,which were
proprietor.

I.

From

"

Richard

Master

the

by

Rogers,

Bob,

Huzza

Here

"

It''s
good-byeto

in Lincolnshire !

am

Cossacks,Ladies' double channels.Gentlemen's

and

Robert

Master

to

reverse

132, Barbican.

Number

at

Dear

Pugsley,

extreme

all written

of

No.

know, that,

to

content

the

at

even

TVellingtons

calf,and ditto

stout

They've all been sold off under prime cost, and the old Shoe
for ever
and ever.
Father
Mart is disposedof, goodwilland fixtures,
been made
rich Squire of by will, and weVe
nas
a
got a house and
ditto.

and
fields,

of

trees

our

Such

own.

garden.Bob

It beats White

!
"

Conduit.

Now,

111 tell you what I want.

holidays.Don''t be afraid.

Mother

I want

Bob,

here for the

ask

to

Father

your

Ask

let you

to

to

you

down

come

Sister to ask

your

your

It's only ninetymile.

come.

and
you'reout of pocket money, you can walk, and beg a lift now
and
Put
don't
for
cut
the
care
on
cordroys,
then,or swing by
dickeys.
behind.
The two
prentices,
George and Will, are here to be made
from school to help in agriis
and
Nick
took home
farmers of,
brother
culture.
fun.
Us four have
We
like farmingvery much, it's capital
If

famous
: it'sa
good un, and sure to
gun, and go out shooting
shootingdog as
go off if you don't full cock it. Tiger is to be our
he has left off killing
the sheep. He''s a real savage, and worries
as
soon

got

Before

cats beautiful.

plenty of

There's
soon

as

the

can

down,

comes

to

mean

we

bait

bull

our

him.

with

on

Father

we

sly to

catch

tail to

get

him,

Mother

Remember,

Rivers

about,

gentles.We've

lay hold

won't

you

turn

pony

we're

too,

to

paddock,and
prime.Bob

Father

going a fishingas

killed

We've

Isn't it

of.

giveyour
up

and

top joint.

our

but he's loose in the

to
signify

If your

New

mended

have

of

one

ride upon
has neither

You

leave to allow

you,

sheep

our

when
mane

must

nor
come.

run

"

we

away.
ask

Street to go to Lincolnshire,and

Goswell

frogs,but we won't pelt

but let it be before
them till you come,
Sunday, as there's our own
orchard to rob, and the fruit'sto be gatheredon Monday.
the hens lay, and
where
like suckingraw
If you
know
eggs, we
for Middlefen

mother

Bob,

Hall.

There's

don't ; and I'm bound

the
and I'll show
you

comfortable.
you
of him
musket
volunteer

make

to

Don't

his

we

bird-lime,Bob

you

every
could borrow

knowing

have
"

Do

lots of birds' nests.

wasp's nest, and

dare say

as

full of

there's

without

bring the ramrod,

forgetsome

pond

and

ours

can

father's

your
of it ; but be sure

mislaid
some

come,

thingthat

how
any-

by firingit

fish-hooks

"

and

off.

some

10

THE

PUGSLEY

PAPERS.

suffice to convey
idea of the terrestrialverdure and celestial azure
an
of
we
enjoy,in lieu of the sable exhalations and architectural nigritude
the

metropolis.

You

know

who

and have been

the indulgent
pastoralaspirings,
my
votive tributes to the Muses, will conceive
the refined

confidant

of my
of my
nature

enjoyment

of this

when

I mention

could

the

never
enjoy
morning.
under
our
to-day he read beautifully
pear-tree.
of readingThomson
with you
s Summer
felicity

if

is a bower

there

Christmas

at

engagements

permit

your
that will be

of evergreens

intellectual repast
in

Bloomfield

Barbican,
"

I look

forward

in
participation
for
delightful

the

to the

seat, and

the green

on

but

the bard,

perusalof

his Winter.
I

enclose,by request, an

epistolaryeffusion

from

Dorothy, which

ter
sis-

I know

will

risible
provoke your
by the domesticity
powers,
of

its details.

she

was

You

know

always in the homely

derella,
a
perfectCin-

characteristics

though
whether

doubt

supernatural

even

adapt her foot

agency
to a diminutive
vitrified slipper,
could

her

or

hand

for

prince

of

regalprimogeniture.But

am

summoned

receive,
family members, the

with

to

felicitations of

Lincolnshire

aristocracy
though
;

ever
what-

distinctions

necessary

prospectivelyoccur
respective
gradesin

may

between

CINDERELLA.

will

life,they

the

affect

Jemima

only superficially
sentiments

of eternal

friendshipbetween

her affectionate friend,

and

Pugsley.

Anastasia

No.
My

IV.

dear

Providence
from

Barbican

From

"

Miss

to

not

sent

housewifery,I

Miss

been

pleasedto

I trust
Lincolnshire,
as

becomes

into this world

have

undertaken

to

my
be

to

the Same.

remove

I shall have

new

domestic

my

of
strength

allotted line of life.

idle,and

Anastasia

duties

tution
constiAs

we

lias declined

Dairy,and the Brewery, and the

Pigs and the Pastry, and though I
the

Baking, and the Poultry,the

reconciles
use
fatiguedat first,

feel

Pugsley

Dorothy

Jemima,

having

to fulfil them
are

dear

my

"

to labours

and

more
trials,

severe

THE

PUGSLEY

PAPERS.

present enjoy. Altlio' thingsmay

present, yet all well-directed efforts are sure
end, and altho' I have cliumped and churned
I at

than

curds

it's nothing yet but

of

eating butter
any
calves,and

own

before

find
new-lay somewhere, tho' I cannot
lookingevery day to have chickens,as one
has

sets

such

me

domestic

example

an

since

it'sfor the

than

have

life;

remember

ever

before.

bakings,and

and

either eatable

You

when
trials,

unusual

been

never

out

much

so

am

sure

nests ; and

our

am

pepper-and-salt-coloured
a

ignorantbird

poor

repine at

the hardest

worked

like

horses

if

die in

it,we

; but

we

be

to

know

family,and to agreeablysurprisemy Father,

For
own
winding up his books.
part,if it
my
I should say I never
at thingsso selfishly,
was
so
since coming here
though I owti I have cried more

look

rightto
happy in my
was

was

of the

good

is still in town

who

and

the estate

milk, fattening
my

own

can

I have

at

in the

days running,and

London,

When

patience,how

of

to

came

we

months.

two

Mother

drudgery!

ever

sure,

these
sitting

been

reward

cackle

we

hen

meet

to wish

to despair
of
wrong
die.
the
Considering

We

eggs.

out

be

by

layingmy

turn

two

article in
every
prospect,than of drinkingmy

happier in
own

to

I should

whey,

making

own

my

committed

adulteration

and

not

drinkable

and

crosses

all my
there has been
preservings,

and

my
of
out

I tell you,

brewings,and

or

will confess

is

what

painfulto

more

losses

makings,
nothing
tionate
affec-

an-

mind, have half poisoned the whole familywith home-made

I reflect
When
ketchup of toadstools,
by mistake for nmshrooms.
I ought not to grieveabout my
that they are preserved,
and
damsons
bullaces,done by Mrs. Maria Dover's receipt.
into a beautiful closet of old China,
Among other thingswe came
shocked to say, is all destroyedby my
which, I am
preserving.The
bullaces and
damsons
fomented, and blew up a great jar with a
"

violent

shock

that

smashed

all the

nothingbut the handles hanging in rows

to a resigned
spiritthere's always some
the

preserves
it has

and

work

will,as

been

fault

for

lettingthe

poor

at the

yet

has

to
we

attempt
t

can

Grace

morning in
you

comfort
some

Monday in
compels me
not

year

left
But

in

and if
calamities,
that
beer
hope
my

the mash

As

tub.

for

it

to say
was
own
my
crawl
into the copper

little animals

the

will receive

cheese

cream

drive the

twice hunted

whole

next

coffee cups, and

the tenter-hooks.

boil the berries and kittens

to

time.

same

mean

blind

on

there's

so,

next

wine, candour

experiencedictates

but

as

month

loss of the elder

the

foment

and

tea

Cows

and

me

as

pound

as

to be

home

and
into fits,

pigstye. As
a

soon

of

my
I

we

milked

kept

I know

you
fresh butter

get

can

cream,

for the Bull

my

poor

^but

"

"

^lie

Mother

like country delicacies,

and
it comes,

when

together.I
shall send also some
familypork for Governess, of our own
killing,
I
did
to
neck
as
we
on
hope
Saturday.
give you the
wring a pig's
loaf,but it was
unexpected treat of a home-made
forgotin the oven

to add

mean

from

ten

to

cheese

six,and

so

as

soon

too

as

can

get one

black to offer.

to stick

However,

hope

to

sur-

12

THE

priseyou

with

will send

really shockingto
failure of her

the

see

taste, and

particular,that
owned

When

be

flower

jumbled

out
with-

them

trowelled

and

them

set

again,in the

have looked

if
sweetly elegant,

it had

agreedwith them, but

all

in

figures.
quadrille

It must

have

was

of

regularorder,till

any

Anastasia
all up,

in

one

must

there

came,
number

roots,but

tivated
cul-

pretty idea.

very

we

vast

PAPERS.

by Monday's carrier. Anastasia bids me add she

for respectedMrs. Tombleson, if the plantsdon't
I am
sorry to say is not improbable

one

nosegay
die off before,which
It's

PUGSLEY

dwindled

they
and

drooped like deep declines

and

consumptions.

dahlias and
turned

out

onions

and
and

stocks

have

Her

too have
tulips
nothing but
kidney potatoes,

her

ten-week

not

VERY

come

FOND

OF

GARDENING

up

in twenty.
But
as
Shakspeare says,
that teaches us Patience is a jewel.

Adversityis

toad
precious

"

the unsettled state of coming in, I must

conclude, but
Considering
could not resist givingyour friendliness a short account
of the happy
I would
change that has occurred,and our increase of comforts.
will
the
calls of
write more,
but I know
to
excuse
listening
you
my
dumb
animals.
It's the time I always scald the little pigs'
bread and

milks, and put

are

of clean

saucers

the fowls' beds

to make

with

thingsthat country people are

The

children,I

water

for the ducks

fresh straw, and

obligedto

think

and
a

geese.
hundred

There
similar

of.

well, only baby is a little

him
down
think from Grace
and
in the nettles,
we
fractious,
setting
Grace
he was
short-coated last week.
is poorly with
a
cold,and
has got a sore
in the
from
Anastasia
throat,
sittingup fruitlessly
am

happy

to say,

are

all

not be any in the

nightingale
; perhaps there may
rheumatism
a
seem
myself,but it
trifling
ague and
be only a stiffness from so much
churning,and the greatfamily
may
we
came
down, for the sake
wash-up of every thingwe had directly
the lawn.
all in
of grass-bleaching
With
these exceptions,
on
we
are
and unite in love,with
perfecthealth and happiness,

prchard
Fens.

to hear

the

to have

Dear

Miss

Jemima's

affectionate
Dorothy

friend,
Pugsley.

THE

V.

No.
My

In

ultimatum

informed

to Barbican.

between

curious, I

make

going

am

way,

hour

an

it is,we

as

have

I know

restive in
The

Perhaps if
that's
Our

patterns:

as

all

with
hadn't

we

have

given

chipt,and

"c.,
furniture,
the

familyat

same

and

carved

have

legs,and, what is worse,

peoplesay, two Lincolnshire removes

the

safe,

down

it wouldn't
breakables,

our

very

got here

came

rosewood

but

are

the house

thingsall

came
by the waggon, and I am sorry to say a poor
time, and the little idle boys with their knives

scarified my

you

bed, and

after its arrival.

of

with

you

particular.I take

and
only one plateleft,
keep it in countenance.

to

spout

as
sisters,
more
myself

moving.

our

into
bulletings

Crockery and Glass,which

the whole

it vdth

without

mug

of

exceptionof the

overloaded
"

to

account

dresser,about

the

Bucklerahury.

Wriggleswortlipaying his
estate coming from Lincolnshire

P. to send

family being all

the

of
opportunity
t
o
still, givean

of old

chargedMr.

reports,but
progressive

the

Mumford,

Middlefen

of the whole

natural debts, and

with

Mrs.

to

Martha,

dear

my

13

PAPERS.

Pugsley

Mrs.

From

"

PUGSLEY

of

not

the

same

bad

as

are

as

fire of London.
The

first

goingup,

thingI
I

but

"

did

wish

stole

chimbly,

quite unbeknown

with
be

four

smoke

which

more,

endured.

My

flitches of

good

wretches

to

me.

was

We

filled up

have

thing was

to

up

the vacancy
is to be cured must

what

have

kitchen

the

bacon, as

but
dreadfully,

us

next

the sweeps
the sootty

to
to see
coming down, was
for
had been less precipitous,

on

and

all holes

corners

scrubbed,being left,like bachelor's

out, and washed, and
W. ; for a rich man,
I never
in a sad state by old single
saw
places,

cleared

that wanted

one

about, as

much

so

cleaningout.

high as

littering
straw, that
all to

It

rights
yet, but
the

lived upon

besides

is

chucked

away.

I directed
distress.
nose

in

odd
very
do better

all but

George
He

to

in

for
provisions,

found

he

What

old W.

whole

field of

to

pickle,I

had

sowing up a crop,
with
but he met
agricultural
his
the
horses,
plough stuck
whipped

ground was
plough it up,
as

we

not

are

day.

cold

with

plants for Dorothy

few

the

says as soon
the earth,and

when

We

eatables in the house.

no

were

mystery, except salads,for

As

good-for-nothing

of

heaps

dung

shillingsload to
a

I gave to the boys for bonfires.

Rome
wasn't built in St. Thomas's

there

bacon

beet-root,which,

its

premises;

of

heaps

were

five

me

providentialI hampered myself

was

except

it cost

haystacks,and

have it all carted off the

There

tumbled

then

clear for

over

head

ploughingis so easy to
time.
Experiencemakes

look
a

It

and heels.

at, but

King

I trust

Solomon

of

seems

he
a

will

Tom

noddy.
I

expect

pecked by

we

the

shall

have

birds,as

bushels

I have

had

fear of the children

dreamingof

little sakes I have

had

the

them

well

tho**sadly
of com,
for
taken down

bushels
upon
all the scarecrows
for

Bogies.

filled up, and

For the

the nasty

same

dear

sharp iron

J4

THE

spikesdrawn
my

of all the rakes and

out

teeth, I

these

harrows.

Nobody

shall say to

not

am

With

Mother.

good

PAPERS.

PUGSLEY

trust
precautions!

the young
the

will

ones

country

the

gipsieshave

but

till

joy
en-

when

left,

confine

then,I

them to round the house,

it'sno

as

the

you'vehad
We

shutting

use

stable

door

after

child stole.

have

goodly

fine fields of

many
which

hay, ^
have

to

mean

//

wet
or
reaped directly,
shine ; for delays are

dangerousas pickles
haps
Perglazedpans.

as

in

favour,for

our

stacks

the

is

Swithin's

St.
in

if

put

are

THE

up

dampish they

won''t catch fire

these

The

parts.

boys

poor

RAKE

i'KOGKESS.

if Swing
easily,

so

have

should

themselves

made

into

come

industrious

very

all the vermin, besides

shootingoff the birds, and hunting away
I
As
knew
down
it
trees.
to fell
was
profitable
cutting
old
timber, I directed them to begin with a very ugly straggling
hollow tree next the premises,
but it fell the wrong
and knocked
way,
in

down

the cow-house.

field at the time.

Luckily the

George

poor

it wouldn't

says

violent sow, or rather sowwest, and

wind that blows nothingto nobody.
writ

country

commissioner.

about
faith
and
to

last

but I have made

up

it.

one

if

they
expectedto

eat

but
directions,

trust

you

that,I
poison,

send

you
bought the

they

iu all the
pears

over
new

would

on

purpose

the

know

by

the poor

points

tenter

have

to stick

pales,
hooks

gone

rious.
mysterats,
"

ducks,will

kill

for preserving,
and
quantityof wall-fruit,

it has

brandy beforehand, as

as

ill

nature

reason

all vanished

and stealing,
I had
nightby picking
notwithstanding

bottles broke
came

to

more

don't thrive

for

Mr.

"

them

sorry

but

on
onions, why our own
it,is very
have a beautiful poultryyard,only infested with

We

am

happened

a
instance,in fatting
goose,

For

sense.

sage and

have

P., I have no occasion to make you

to have
books
Anastasia, indeed, wants
don't put much
my part and Dorothy'swe
to

but for
every thing,
in authorized receipts
and

common

post

all in the clover-

were

it'slikelyenough,but it'san

"

Having

animals

a-top of

George,who
with the

too,but

the wall.

is very

But

dozen ot

I rather think

had
thoughtless,

pointsdownwards.

luckilywe

ten

heard

in

Our

noise in

driven

applesand
the dark.

THR

and

brickbats

threw

smashing the
I

make

sure

window,

that

alarmed

the

thieves

by-

However,

Monday

on

mean

of

15

PAPERS.

cowcum-

frames.

ber

out

PUGSLEY

of the

to

orchard,

the trees,
by gathering
a
pheasant in one's

"

two

cock

bush.

One

is worth

hand

in

sparrows
comfort

is,

dog
house-

the

is very vicious , and

of us stir
t let any

won

in

out

or

dark

after

"

be
indeed, nothing can
the
more
furious,
except
in parbull,and at me
ticular.

would

You
think

he

ward
in-

knew

my
thoughts,and

intend

to

that
him

have

roasted whole

when

we

grand housegive our

warming regalia.
With
I

these

remain,

lars,
particuwith

WALL

FltUlT.

dear Dorcas, your

love, my

affectionate sister,
Belinda

P. S.

"

Pugsley.

anxietyhere,and that is,the likelihood of

only one
violentlyill,nine miles off from any physicalpowers,

I have

taken

being
mountable
insurwith nobody that can
ride in the house, and nothingbut an
huntinghorse in the stable. I should like,therefore,to be
well
doctor-stuff 'd from
or
Hall, by the waggon
any
Apothecaries'
other vehicle.

and

it'sa

pitynow

No.

VI.

they were

"

From

not

Mrs.

stalks in the
saved

Pugsley

nine spasms.
doesn't
answer,
garden,

in time

stitch in the side taken

Dorothy'stincture of the rhubarb

for

saves

pies.

to

Mrs.

Rogers.

Madam,

having words has

caused a silence
writingis not being on speakingtenns,
yet as mere
and disconsolate parents in the case
venting of animosities
; I waive
tilla more
moment.
agreeable
Having perused the afflicted adver^
and ineffectual
of person,
tiseraent in the Times, with interesting
description
Master
that
River, ^begleave to say
dragging of New
Robert is safe and well, having arrived here on
Saturday night last,
witli almost not a shoe to his foot,and no coat at all,as was
supposed
that
not
be
of
with
It
to
the approbation parents.
supposing
appears,
Although warmth

has made

coolness,and

"

"

"

our

16

THE

the

distance

whole

between

down

way

the
the

on

humble

will

PAPERS.

families extended

of
footing

hearingthe newspapers
the gipsies,
and we
haven't
but

this statement

PUUSLEY

to

him,

friend,to visit my son

read,quittedsuddenly,the same
all

is become

t^

Belinda

No.

VII.

To

"

Mr.

COOLNESS

Silas

day

of him.

BKTWEEN

with

Trusting

anxiety,remain, Madam,

Servant,

the

Richard,

idea what

an

relieve of

lie walked

your

t"

Pugsley.

FRIENDS.

Parisian

Pugsley,

DepotsShoreditch,

Dear

Brother,
of the present date,is to advise of my
safe arrival on
fort,
"Wednesday night,per opposition
coach,after ninetymiles of discomof
miles
for
five
u
nrivalled
and
walk
a
absolutely
cheapness,
throughlanes and roads,that for dirt and sludgemay confidently
more,
rous
defy competition, not to mention turningsand windings,too numebut morally impossibleto pursue
to particularise,
on
undeviating

My

favour

"

the
forbade finding
of so dark a quality
The nightwas
as
principles.
the
late
for
for
mistake
but
the
house-dogflyingupon me by
gate,
and almost
proprietor,
i-espectable
tearingmy clothes off my back by
his strenuous

Conscientiously

averse

in

by

various

I did not

to the

truth
competitors,

finds

Mrs.

thingson

such

to

urges to

footingas

P., indeed,diff'ersin

always surpassedthe

success

of my
patronage.
fallacious statements, so much
indulged

exertions to obtain the favour

merit commendation

most

by

her

acknowledgethat
to

ensure

on

arrival,

tion.
universal satisfac-

statement, but

you

know

her

lous
sanguineexpectations.Ever emuof
strictest regard to principles

the

18

THE

To

add

PUGSLEY

PAPERS.

stagnation,neither

to

of

two

my

in the business

sons

nor

been
so
apprentices have
diligentlypunctual in executing
with
orders
and
laudable
ambition
despatch
fidelity,
as
country
desires,

the

two

but

have

gone

loss of

three

Richard

and

about

fishingand shooting and

by his unvarying system
fingers,
likewise

are

the

on

William

"

Hares

in

both

threatened

of

with

sufl^ered

high charges.

He

passing
prosecution for tresis
interest,and Nick

adjoininglanded

the

has

his shoulder
in
obliged to decline any active share, by dislocating
tall
for
for
As
tho'
tom-tit.
for
tree
the first
a
climbing a
George,
the
limits
of
town
time
circumscribed
he
custom,
beyond
indulges
of knowledge in
vanity in such unqualifiedpretensions to superiority
farming, on the strength of his grandfatherhaving belonged to the
of patience
stock
agriculturalline of trade, as renders a wholesale
demands.
Thus
stimulated
its
to injudicious
barely adequate to meet
he
is
best
of
the
interests
the
to
as
performance
injurious
country, as
and
and
and
and
and
smut
mildew,
rot,
pip, all comblight
bined
glanders,
Between
in one
texture.
ourselves, the objects of unceasing
have been assailed
endeavours, united with uncompromising integrity,
with

makes

deterioration,
as

much

so

by resuming
sufierings,
If

House.

Clack

business

as

respectfullyinformed
compensation for loss of
In

bargainbeing ofi;
Robins

have

to

concern,

tho* the

blow

Mrs.

on

the
time

Marter

honour

to

dispose

knocking
Family.

beg
of

Deprecating

lished
estab-

incurred

by

will authorise

you

the

whole

Hall

the

abridging
old

already taken
thankfullypay

not

expense

of Middlefen

down

P. and

of

the

at

will
vicinity,
and

partiesagree,

case

the

Shoe

Son, therefore, have

"

possessionand
reasonable

desirous

humbly

me

the
Mr.

Lincolnshire

will be

deceitful

severe

stimulus

of

to
mention, desirable freehold
advertisingarts, interest commands
for disposal,the
and
investment
and sole reason
estate
eligible
propietor going to the continent.
Example
suggests likewise, a good
and
a
prospect too extensive to
country for hunting for fox-hounds
Circumstances
being rendered awkward
put in a newspaper.
by the
of the running away
of the cattle,"c., it will be best
untoward
event
"

"

"

''

to

say

"

The

will

favour

be

if the
town

ten

past the
with

Stock

to

be

taken

as

politelyconferred,
auctioneer

will

be

and
so

of, "c.

Richard

Nene,

saving

as

"

and

an

additional

thankfully

same

bring

r"

'

the

the

kind

the

ledged,
acknow-

market

next

miles nearer, and carry

the coach and the waggon
once
a
day
door.
Earnestly requestingearlyattention to the above, and

sentiments

P.S.

"

it stands

and

him.

desirable items.

is
the
Hence

R.

hand

t"

PuGSLEiT,

drippingand

dead

out

of

each other
apprenticesall but drowned
to add, fishingopportunities
occurs
among

in

just come
two

to

half

a
Sen.

the

19

FANCY

AN

PORTRAIT

ANCIENT
BY

"

Give
The

MADAME

CONCERT.

VENERABLE

old music

me

songs of

PASTY.

days

DIRECTOR.

let

"

gone

hear

mo

by

!"

H.

"

F. Chorley.

O ! COME, all ye who love to hear

An ancient song in ancient taste,
To

whom

As

verdant

Its

all

"

name

And

bygone Music's

dear

spots in Memory's
The

Ancient

hit the proper

has not

waste

Concert"

wrongs,

clef,

To

wit, Old Folks, to singOld Songs,

To

Old

Subscribers rather deaf.

Away, then, Hawes ! with all your band

Ye beardless boys,this room
desert !
One youthfulvoice,or youthfulhand,
Our concert-pitch
would
disconcert !
No

Bird must

joinour

"

The

vocal

present age beheld at

Away, then, all ye " Sons

Your

Fathers

Away,

Miss

are

the

men

throng,"

font
of
we

Birch, you'rein

Song,"
want

your

prime !

Miss

other door !
Romer, seek some
Go, Mrs. Shaw ! till,
countingtime.

You

count

!
you'renearlyfifty-four
c

20

AN

Go,
Go,

CONCERT.

ANCIENT

Miss NoTello, sadlyyoung

composingChevalier,

thou

And

the county towns among,

here ',
will be welcome

roam

No

Newcome

Our

Concert

The

music

for

us

But

Raven

grey.
modern
ear,

you

charm

score

write

cannot

you

Till time has made

Nay,

its day !

that has had

So, Rooke,
Your

giveat night

aims to

a
may
fourscore
when
three
or
ours,
in this Ancient atmosphere.

cold !

giveus

airs like yours would

Fresh

old,

Go, Hawes, and Caws^, and Woodyat, go I

with those native curls ;
Hence, ShirrefF,
And

Master

This

is

no

Coward

wish

to

here

is it Mrs.

Nor

And

Mrs.

Such

To

we

! Mrs.

Oh

not reverend

No, Grisi,no,

but

"

! with

and

where
Go, Mr. Phillips,
Tom
Cooke, and
Away,
run

out

us

Catches

To

stage!

harsh !
"

all the clan !

littleshriveird thin old

With

Lablache,years hence, Lablache^

come,

Away,

age !

leave the

"

Rubini, hence

And

"

here

to us

come

welcome, when you

Off,Ivanhoff ! tillweak

You'd

grey with

songs gone

And

Grisi,brightand beaming thus

singthe

But

see

Seguins sphere,

Bishops are

What

'
girls

placefor boys

and

Massons

No

know

ought to

that

man

you please!
all your batch ;

of breath
we

ye Leaders

all,who
violins,quitemodern
Ancient

guide

our

Old

fiddles out of

But

come,

ye

with

Glees,

could not catch.

band

lead

things;
we

need

!
leadingstrings

over-ripe,
Songsters,

childish trebles break

!"

That

into

And

bring.Miss Winter, bringthe pipe

cannot
singwithout a shake !

That

Nay,
A

ye

all,that spin
Spinsters
voice,

slender thread of ancient

Old

At

come,

'*

that almost

notes

such

as

you

we

seem

shall

call'd in ;

!
rejoice

21

CONCERT.

ANCIENT

AN

shall baulk,

thund'ringThalbergs here

No

fingerswith

But

o'er,

pet D-cadence

ride your

Or

little chalk

the

Shall,moderato, keep
here,

full of tone.

No

Broadwoods

But

Harpsichords assist the

have
Lincoln's pipes, we

No

! St.

welcome

so

strain

own

our

Tubal-Cain.

Bird-Organ, built by
And

score

Cecilians,now

willy-nilly,ex-good fellows,
will strike up, no
matter
"Who
how,

Ye

With

organs

which

In

Till

ancient

ye

come,

that

Christmas

Come,

Nurse, who

matter

What
The
These

for

erst

dronM

the

how

Copy-Book
Concerts

RACE

were

the

sung

lullabies,
was

young

critics treat.
faults

sins and

modern

miles.

home

Music, heavenly Maid,

When

styles

Cries,

London

Carols

When

No

strayed

fiddle led them

good

some

elders lov'd to roam,

our

flourishes

Those

"

ancient

bring,0 bring,your

And

their bellows

survive

that

detect.

shall still repeat.

"

must

TO

BR

Command

FIRST

FIDDLE.

respect !"

22

LETTER

FROM

EMIGRANT.

AN

Sqimmpash FkUts,9tk November, 1827.

Dear

Brother,

Here

country you
the midst

and

well, and

I have

this moment

before

in the

me

finest

the sublime

"

"

distance.
I

ever

Providence,safe
At

saw.

Mudiboo
Squampash Flatts the majestic
windingthrough
of
the
with the magnificent
in the
mountains
Squab
range
to describe in a letter !
But
the prospect is impossible

of

expanse

are, thank

we

in a pill-box
!
well attempt a Panorama
have fixed our Settlement on the leftbank of the river.

might as
We

lost most

the

rapidswe
by great good

but

the children's toys. Our

of clay,which however,
We
are

as

New
of the

one

have

built

as

we

London,
log houses

in

saved Mrs.

infant
on

heavy

our

we

could

iron work,
Paisley'sgrand piano and

cityconsists of three loghuts and one

lords.
day, fell in to the ground landand, all thingsconsidered,
up again;
"

and have

expect
"

the

compliment to

to ourselves

hog-stye. We

ing
cross-

the second

built it

now

comfortable

of

fortune

In

baggageand all our

"

burnt

or

Old

christened

Metropolis. We

at least shall have when

down

ment
settle-

our

the first one

in

have
have

we

fire
making bonand for the present the pigsare in the
to keep off the wild beasts,
rather
As
than elegantly
furnished.
rooms
our
are
parlour.
yet
usefully
We
have guttedthe Grand
Upright,and it makes a convenient cupboard,
new

the chairs

"

were

obligedto

blaze

at

bivouacs,

but

thank

Heaven

have

we

our

never

leisure to sit down, and

so

do

miss

not

them.

My boys are contented,

and will

be

well

theyhave got over

awkward

when
some

accidents

in

felling.
lopping and
tle,
Mrs. P. grumblesa litbut it is her custom
to

lament

she is in
comforts.
of

she

says
the

very

most
the

when

midst

She

plains
com-

and
solitude,
could
enjoy
stiffestof stiff

visits.
The

of

firsttime

STIFF

VlhIT

fire in our new

a
abode,a largeserpent
lighted
ever,
Howdown the chimney,which I looked upon as a goodomen.
came
Mrs. P. is not partial
the heat is supposedto
to snakes, and
as
have dispensed
since. As for
with fires ever
attract those reptiles,
we
wild boasts,we hear them howlingand roai-ing
round the fence every
we

LETTER

by

one

turned out

we
peaceably,

but

"

since he

ever

do not

and if we

to us

comes

he

rid of the brute

well

was

clock-work

satisfied;

for his mutton

we
acquaintance,

have

muskets, but

been

to

easy

Bamaby

shall
shoot

mistook

our

seed,and

sowed
it all in the kitchen
did try to trap him into a pitfall
after twice catchbut
ing
;
of
the children in turn, it was
P., and every one
given up.

are

never

stir out

now,

have blocked
have

morningto

about

at ease
however, perfectly
of doors at all,and to make

up
lost

all the windows

only

and
botanise,

as
absconding,

of

one

and

he had

the

carpenter,
Gregory, the smith, has

been

out

the

came

who

spade to go
him, but did

after

namely,
out

went

one

much

am

at
surprised
off with.
pendale,
Chip-

after

sent

door.

we

Glasgow,

nothingbut

was

since

back.

came

never

animal,for they
I
quite comfortable,

them

number

our

the

barricadedthe

gardener,from

Diggory,the market
his

get

We

They

We

which

It would

flock.

of gunpowderfor onion

Mrs.

with

as
regular

as

hardlyhave a
him, beingwell providedwith
garden.

onlybeen inconvenienced

in order to

contrive to cut his

soon

sheep in the

remnant

have

we

old ewe,

an

23

EMIGRANT.

he came,

firsttime

The

Lion.

AN

but
tilldaylight,

dusk

nightfrom

FROM

them

not

return

these two

Herdsman, to look for all

and

days. I
three,and

Mudge,
justdespatched
hope he will soon givea good account of them, as theyare the most useful
in the whole settlement,
to its existence.
and, in fact,indispensable
men
have

V^^^

MEETING

EMIGRATION

The

river Mudiboo

is deep,and

though I have
of those above

none
as

do not

we

our

water

common,

animal.

use

the

heard

eighteenfeet
river

may

SETTLER.

with alligators,
rapid,and said to swarm
at
one
time,and
beingseen
long; this,however, is immaterial,

of three

fluid,which

is thick and

dirty,but

draw

all

Poisonous

rather
are
springs
fish
no
are
or living
easilydistinguished
by containing
with frogs,
Those, however, which swarm
toads,newts, efts,
from

natural

wells

and tanks.

but

"c., are harmless,and

In short,I know
of
be

but

got over

may
no

be

safelyused

drawback

and
hereafter,

do

but

for
one,

culinarypurposes.
which,

earnestly
hope

and

sanguine,
advise,if things
am

24

SONNET

are

England than

better in

no

The

drawback

when

selloff all,and

persuade,will

can

as
you
many
to this African Paradise.

over

by

of

race

of avail ;

seems

after

night,but

EnglishHarvesting. Our
that these creatures
been

burglars) ^have
"

establishment

made

spiesnightand day

that no
cautiously,
glimpseof
last
Our
cut
people.
crop was
hear

were

human

our

has

one

yet the

art

the

moment

vigilance
night
guard

convinced

am
they
and
motions,yet so secretly
of
been
our
seen
by any
yet

of
carried off,with the precision
to
amazed
be
spiritstores
(you will
and

pick

locks with

the watch

ransacked, though

and

open

and

dexterityof

the

the

have

brutes

their mountains, five miles distant,without even

the
alarm.
I could almost persuademyself at times,such

been

London
half

the

off to

dogs givingan
their natural
superhave to contend
are

that we
and invisibility,
knowledge,swiftness,
I
for
refer to on
to
advice,
spirits. long
your
Ambrose
Dear Philip,Your loving
brother,

with evil
and am,

or

watched

and

mercy.

on

talents exceed

"

broken

on

No

inhabited

are

mischievous

plannedambuscades,

has been

strippedwithout

were

have had

have

we

attempt

no

relaxed,we

was

must

cunningand

any

seen

never

mountains

incredible stories of their tribe.

the most

even

whose

Monkeys,

as

have

althoughI

of the creatures,it is too certain that the

one

an

left,
you, and

come

of is this

speak

STEAM.

ON

this

subject,

Mawe.

writingthe above, you will be concerned to hear the

body of poor Diggoryhas-been found,horribly
mangledby wild beasts.
The fate of Chippendale,Gregory,and Mudge, is no
longer doubtful.
The old Lion has broughtthe Lioness,and the sheep beingall gone,
The Mudiboo
they have made a jointattack upon the Bullock-house.
covered
I have justdisand Squampash Flatts are a swamp.
has overflowed,
from
I
that the Monkeys are my own
that
out
rascals,
brought
back
We
fast
as
can.
as
are
we
coming
England.
P.S. Since

SONNET
BY

I livd

WISH

Wurking
And

AN

diibble
cum

But

Now

by

meens

Bilers

And

Helps

and

When

sutch

to the

Will

sune

How

we

May

them

And

Theaves

Orses

be out

of Vittcls

bee to Liv

changeof Orses is

Blowd

forces

Kettels

Smoakey

need Be sifted in

nothink

Their

the Bilers

of Steem

Gumming

naggs
Bruits I wunder

Poor

No

seam

days to

of Powers

into

milers

Seven

safe and slo

in Them

turningCoches

Ago

year

six and

Stagesrunnen

Orsis

The

STEAM.

CNDER-OSTLBB,

Thowsen

for Sober

The

A-

ON

Faits

our

Siv

inginsall Blow

up

their Grates

of Osiers crib the Coles and

blackgardHanuimuls

Feed

Giv

of Slaits !

26

FROM

BELOW.

the

Suppose

REPORT

couple standingso.
rushingfootstepsfrom below
pulsesfast and fervent

When
Made

first burst in the frantic cat,

All steaminglike a brewer's rat,
And

And

then

Poor

Mary May,

Master

cravat

my

the servant

Mistress

and

Speak

as

! Fire ?

did

chatter.

flew at her,

both

? What's

Murder

or

"

couple'steeth

the

Lord, how
"

white

as

"

the matter

Mary gettingbreath.
Upon her tale began to touch
such
With
rapid tongue, full trotting,
As if she thoughtshe had too much
Till

tell before

To

We

"

both.Ma'am,

was

And

Round

Mrs.

death

her

in the

"

at
wash-house.Ma'am, a-standing

secondingwhat

was

littlethingsI rubs

tubs,

our

'

'
I say
and there she stops for coughin',
Mary,' says she to me,
*
That dratted copper flue has took to smokin' very often,
of swearingin a passion,
But pleasethe pigs,'for that's her way
'

"

"

it up, and not be set a

master's
she takes my
down

I'll blow

Well,
And
empties every
Lawk, Mrs. Round
I'm

sartin

'

this fashion !

coughin'in
horn

"

his horn

mean

grainalive for to set the flue

I, and

! says

it can't not

take

stares,that

loading,

for

exploding.
is unproper,

quantum

pound

to sky a copper
;
I
tells
heads off",
You'll powder both our
so
you, with its puff.
and she takes a pinch of snuff.
But she only dried her fingers,
sure

Teach
Well, when the pinch is over
your
A powder horn,'says she
Well, says I, I
'

grandmotherto

"

wish

"

Them
'

words

sets

ever

back,

she, quite

Come,' says
your lips;

Afore

up

her

you

bom,

was

in

with

so

huff,

well

you

her hands
'

used

luck.
her

upon

keep

come,

suck

your

hips,

tongue

inside

thingslike these ;
up by degrees.
givesus such a rattle,
cannonized,like Sogersin a battle !
a
squib,and us on both our backs.
was

to

put it in the grate,and let it bum

O Lord ! it
So in it goes, and Bounce
I shall

"

both

thoughtwe
Up goes the
And

But

tubs, they bundled

I fainted dead

there

Providence

All

stiffas

for Mrs.

starch,and

scorched
her

and

Right
Well,

I crooks

As

looked

her

and

as

dead

humanity pintsout,

more

and
fingers,

and

burnt

sees

as

than

for all the world

little

splitall

into cracks.

might have been cut shorter,

water.
broughtme to with scalding

Round,

grimed,and

head,

on

off,and
and

away,

kind, and

was

I first looks round

As

like

popper

bless the

Well,

were

like

her

that,I

crumps

thingin

any

at

distance.
existence
the

sees

her nostrums

well
with

slap

copper

percussioncopper
them

up

cap.

together.

feather

"

But

for all

She

I,

So

sich

lays

But

as

there

she

And

For,

she

my

poor

Well, Ma''am,
But

us

these words

and

! such

vdth

agin

ear

! she

but

you

won't

is all she

mouth

sort

of eye,

so

and

to

her

sky

her

COPPER

with

dirt

lump.
to jump.

reaches,

dying speeches.

orphans,
it"*sGospel fact

'Why,

the

"

black

young

it,but
"

SKYING

down

hear

whispered

""

to

open

heart

my

stocking

hurt
in

skirt.

and

was

makes

crazy

husband
believe

shockin'
a

tattered

things,all

as

to

know,

you

in it ;

wasn't

nobody

"

the

groan

minute.

sightso

see

in t'other.

does

she

all scotched

roof, laid

her

has

master

many

finger,and

my

backs

none

"

wash-house

beckons

soul

rags,
sides and

is,a-lyingwith

the

puts

"

a-scramblingup

on

mercy

for

I mean,

leg

whatever

linens

never,

never,

in 'em

was

the

departed mother.

late

own

my

world,

up

to

off,and

as

I, it's well

there

torn

I am,

A-staringat
Then

leg,and

nobody
there

scramble

never,

never,

burnt

arms

Well,
When,
And

to

all slit and

Bodies
And

in this

mortality,

sensuality.

dead

lies,

her

to

to

as

shirt ! thinks

! I never,

Here

return

she

her

restore

more

no

givesmyself

Lawk,
Oh

there

well

to

sign of

she'll wash

Well,

do,

can

gives a

never

Thinks

as

27

BELOW

FROM

REPORT

where

is the

as

I knew

and

true.

powder

blew?'"

28

COACH

THE

IF

AT

GOES

of
A
for

worse

pair

militarycloak much
tear, a. napless hat
"

of mud-colour

short for his

From

legs

Paris, to
academy ;

and

Poor

business

and

the hundredth

of my
persecutions
on

"

blue

coat, the
brown

nor

^grey trowser-s
feet.
his
for
long

too

"

that he had

French

"

direct from

come

teacher,at

English

an

Englishclassical usher, had

been

Monsieur
to enter

my

master

conscience.

House

and

"

I had

an

taken

At Edmonton

bell of

in the

boyish

emigreof the old noblesse

mansion

deposited the

the coach

stopped.

inscribed in

trunks
foreigner's

large
and

Englishclassical usher stepped briskly

in the coachman's
hand.
anticipatory
depositeda shilling
followed the example, and with some
precipitation
prepared
the

on

out, and

"

each

found
of

thumb

share which

pulledthe
alighted,

coachman

Vespasian
letters,
boxes

French

own

violently

smote

The

at

boots too

duties

for wear,

shirt neither w^hite

companion,the

his

BASKET?"

THE

As I sat at the opposite

poor.
robe.
a mental
inventoryof his ward-

worse

"

dropt,I

the

undertake

GOES

London, to meet and conduct him to his suburban destination.

devil, thought I, thou art going into a bitter bad line of

sent to

"

he

words

some

the

gloves,open
and brown

"

TIME

SHILLING.

and
a foreigner,
evidently
the Southgatestage,I took

was

comer

WHAT

LAST

IHE
He

PiUY

SIX,

the

I want

footpath.

gate of
another

The

but the driver

fore-garden,
the
said
coachman.
shilling,"

the

stood in the way.

LAST

THE

"

You

agreedto

"

You

said you

French

a-head,"said the Englishmaster.

shilling
take
for my
one
shilling
head," said the

would

master.

"It's for the

said
luggage,"

Frenchman

The

He

it.

take

29

SHILLING.

thunderstruck

seemed

pulled out

the coachman.
but

there

was

help for

no

small

brown
silk purse, but there
weazle-bellied,
of
Then
he felt his breastwas
pockets,
Napoleon.
then his side-pockets,
and then his waistcoat-pockets
; but
all
metal
they were
snufFbox,and that was empty
empty, exceptinga
the
felt
in
he
the
too.
Lastly
pockets
flapsof his coat, takingout a
would-be
white
handkerchief,and shaking it; but not a
meagre
I
rather
he
the result
but he went
thro'
dump.
anticipated
suspect
with the true French
the operations
he
At
last
seriatim,
gravity.
his
with
Mistare Barbiere,be as good to lend
turned to
a
companion,

nothing in it

save

medal

"

"

shelling."
thus appealedto, went throughsomethingof
Like
he passed
blue-bottle cleaningitself,
a
ceremony.
me

one

Barber

Mr.

his breast

over

with

man
"

No

"

his hands

the outside of his

"

empty pockets.
no

"

no

"

this time

By
with

down

of

sense

You

"

hips,and

same

thighs,
could detect nothinglike a coin.
feeling
and you shall have no more," said the
agreedfor a shilling,

the

but

his

round

the

door

the

shall have

you

"

housemaid

the

in her

no

of

hand, had

mor," said

the

man.
moneylessFrench-

VespasianHouse,
down

come

tired of

standing
and,
garden-gate,

the

to

laid her hand on one

of the
willingto make herself generally
useful,
s trunks.
Foreigner
It shan't go tillTm
said the coachman, taking
paid my shilling,"
"

hold of the handle

The

at the other end.

good-naturedhousemaid

let
instantly

go of the trunk, and

violent
in
suddenly
by a
cramp, or stitch,
her rightside, while her hand
But
gropedbusilyunder her gown.
in vain.
There
it was
in
that
papers,
curlwas
nothing
pocket but some

seemed

to

be bent

double

"

and

The
she

stitch

stooped
her

on
comer

thrust
"

brass thimble.

to

while

attack her other side ; again

Doubt
struggledtogether

and

Hope
Hope
triumphed,
rosy
of the huge dimity pouch she fished up
into the obdurate palm.
it exultingly

It won't

year

before.

medal,
The

meantime

out, but

had

and

asked

the

eye on the metai,

silver-washed
tion
corona-

Jew

down

the

usher

the
man

had

trunk

for twopence

which

she

her

to

arrived

extremest

wary

been

purchased of

the

solitary
coin,and

arithmetical

"

from

inspectionof the trio

restored the deceitful medal

stopped by

was

"

coachman, castinga

girlquietly set

the

now

last

the

for the

which

poor
up,

At

do," said

holdingout

matter

fumbled,

face.

and

taken

seemed

then

cramp

or

and

at

had

pocket.
the gate in

embargo on the luggage.

of figures.

"

the

again
In

the

his way
What's
the

30

THE

^'
"

LAST

please,Sir,"said
impudent fellow

iryou

it's this

SHILLING.

the
of

housemaid, droppinga
coachman

will

stand

low

curtsey,

here

for his

rights."
"

He

wants

"

He

does want

"

Coachman

the

John,

are

are

to

Barber.

reiterated
shilling,"

waitinghere

we

of the

rear
we

his fare,"said Mr.

his fare

the devil

! what

Bless me,

the Frenchman.

for ?

"

shouted

stage.
"

stay here all day ?

cried

shrill voice

interior.
stage's

the

from

than

more

stentorian voice from

"

than

more
shilling

don't
If you
from the box.
"

get

shall

shortlyI

up

bellowed

get down,"

voice

English usher drew his fellow-tutor aside, and

whisperedsomething in his ear that made him go through the old
He
manual
exercise.
slappedhis pantaloons flappedhis coat tails
this crisis the

At

"

"

shake

bosom

his

felt about

and

I haven't

"

and

the head

of

"

hurried

said he, and

got one,"
he

bow,

with

of

off at the pace

set

twopenny postman.
"

a'n"'tgoingto stand

of all reasonable

out
"

You're

here

all

day," said

the coachman,

patience.
said
scoundrellyvillain,"

infernal

an

Mr.

getting

Barber, getting

of all classical English.

out
"

You

are

Thank

*'

what

"

God

and

his

"

and

the Doctor

comes

Mr.

Barber

says,"said the Foreigner.

ejaculatedthe housemaid, here
goodness,"
the portlyfigure
of the pedagogue himself
"

pompously down
striding

came

lipsand

"

double

chin, which

well

what's all this

Well,
!
taciturnity

gravel-walk.He had two thick

began wagging together.
elocution ? I command
argumentative
the

all

"

"

I'm

"

He

"

Poo

says

short

one

the

"

we

do. Sir," said

to

mean

the

Englishusher,

lipsmysteriouslyto the Doctor's

said the Doctor.
pecuniary bagatelle,"

^but I'll disburse

"

his

avaricious

than

then
a

it, and

an

It's very

of

empty

Plummer

"

tion,
palpableextorremedy for
legislatorial

the

of pomp

man

"

said
peculiar,"

! pray

"

It's

"

any other product

mark.
French

"

having currency
for it at Vespasian House

but

ear.

but without
pocket he had
and the
two
keys,
gingerlozenges,
to that

"

said this,he thrust

waistcoat-pocket^then into its fellow"

As

into every

bunch

have

you

"

demands."

into
fore-finger

and

Foreigner.

and double-chin.
poo,"said the thick-lips
Pay the
poo
and
to
claim,
superfluous
appeal magisterial
authority."

he laid his

and

Mrs.

said
shilling,"

"

It's what

"

"

he has got

the coachman.

"

"

fellow his

his

short,"said
shilling

the

The

amount.
"

Doctor,

or

had

coachman

stay
"

just step hither

"

and

of
prepossession
call to-morrow

must

housekeeper.

perceive my
this
liquidate

littlecommercial

obligation."
Now,
Plummer

whether

Mrs.

only knows

Plummer

had

or

had

; for she did not condescend

not

Mrs.
shilling,

to make

any

search

LAST

THE

It,

for

Snatching

in

like, exclaiming
about

for,

and

But

"

"

"

part
"

"

"

"

"

or

You
And

trip

to

raised

the

indeed,

work

calling again

run

away

seizing

coachman,

do

to

pretty

to

main.

de

coup

it's worth

going

trouble.

"

trunk

the

on

the

roared

he

box,

the

screamed

out,"

had

in

Thunderer

off

made

coach.

the

in

lady

the

during

dickey.

the

latter

altercation.
shall

What

am

housemaid
a

having,
is not

inflexible

dinner,"

for

passenger

the

God

the

Here's

"

House

let

being

on

late

too

the

of

insist

be

for

As

John,

I shall

by

the

take

to

hand.

each

with

point

"

key,

the

said

am,"

be

may

not

motioned

it's worth

Vespasian

suppose

"

If

the

she

treble

shrill

right

was

carry

boxes,

shilling!

paltry
I

to

the

of

one

up

she

none,

attempted

she

However,

had

she

if

and

"

31

SHILLING.

stranger

must

here

it

pay

it

by

in

in

the

knows

said

mean

subscription

the

time
among

the

Usher.

Classical
said
the

the

housemaid.

Frenchman.

coachman.

Mrs.

said

brute,"

"

said

country,"

money,"

you

English

the

said

this

the

is,

house

the

"

goodness only

his

and

do

we

but

who

Plummer,
whether

pupils,

she

I know

had
no

had

made

coined
more

it,
than

32

PORTRAIT

FANCY

ODE
Well, said,old Mole

How

work

Well

BRUNEL.

BRUNEL.

M.

TO

! canst

M.

i' the dark

bo

fast?

Monsieur

worthy pioneer!" Hamlft,

Brunei,

thy mighty undertaking,

To

prospers now
joinby a hollow

Of

Rotherhithe,and Wapping,

friends

the Bankside

way

"

Never

be

stopping,
poking,groping,in the dark keep making
An
archway, underneath the Dabs and Gudgeons,
and pitchyold Curmudgeons,
For Collier men
To cross
the water
in inverse proportion,
"Walk under steam-boats under the keel's ridge,
But

To

keep

And

down

all

without

In

Thou

fresh

extortion.

hunt, a

new

didst to earth

the

giveus

In

short it was

To

put

Middlesex
View

to worry.

terriers follow.
to

Surrey,

hollow."

thy aim, rightnorth

pipeinto old Thames's

half-way thou

Came, like
And

Bore

human

south,

and

mouth

when
proceeded,
Thames, throughroof,not water-proof,

Alas !
Old

"

Great

thy

Hopefulat last from

To

Bridge!

sculls to diddle London

with

"

hadst

tide in the affairs of men;"

mighty stormy

kind

of roar.

Reproachfulof thy wrong.

Burst out in that old song
Of Incledon's,beginning" Cease, rude

Bore**

"

34

old Schoolmaster
of his

none

We

his love of

was

I have

The

mantle

There
a

but

was

twig or

they say
page
without
in

are

been

incentives

without

to

stagein

by
flogged

light
;

with

failure in

some

been

and
learning,

education

descended

he

without

but

he did
hard

very

pen.

Englishcomposition,

ordered

to be

vised.
re-

did

to it;
justice
well
horsed.
being

his shoulders,and

on

it

on

ours.

play-ground a birch,but it never had

it always looked as bare as
Springor summer
cuttingat the latter end of the year. Pictures
and certainly
to learning,
never
we
got through

cuts ; for

All
tail-piece.

"

I
instance,

do

recollect

not

the Latin at that school

*'

arm,

and

man,

boy

into

He

shape.

that

Latin

article

might be comprised

was

no

word, he

was

for

It

was

cano,"

Englishedto

reallycarried
assaulted

was

Crusoe
the

on

by a

so

fond
particularly
hands

our

that he

instead of

with

us
striking

such

thing as a Palm Sunday

cruel,and used
disinterestedly

me

seemed

to lick him
literally

allowed

never

made

He

set of savages.

of

day in
Virgil,

one

me

and
illusion,

bear's cub, and set himself

the flats of

strap on
There

as
was

virumque

studyingRobinson

think for the time that I

to consider a

Arma

cane.

was

of bamboo

storm

school hours, when

by

been

line"

one

An

for

in the

it.

had

strokes

corrected I have

road

a
a

tree

one

if the weather

of

Busby

leaf upon

I have

used to think

we

well

went

Dr.

of

stroke;" and I wonder

same.

down

that
flogging,

heard

never
certainly

we

the

and

heavy

having been

after

died of

rod, like Aaron

Englishround hand, and

Such

"

Book.

Spelling

Old

"

s, swallowed
up all the rest.
that he whipped on the principle
of Italian penmanship,

strokes

up

"

He

done

ever

his

often wished

have

in

pupilshave

masters, but

many

is dead.

DOMINIE.

THE

hira up, says the master."

Take

My

OF

DEATH

THE

them

leather

day^srest.

in

our

as

to strike
industriously

In

calendar.

one

other workmen

strike for wages.

Some of the elder boys,
nothingas
who had read Smollett,
christened him Roderick, from his often hitting

like

Random,

His

death

and

to Strap.
beingso partial
characteristic. After making

was

he sent for

his will

Mr.

"

It is all
Taddy, the head usher, and addressed him as follows :
Mr.
I
I
from
the
terrestrial
fast
am
am
over,
Taddy
sinking
going
globe to the celestial and have promisedTomkins a flogging mind
he has it and don't let him pickofi'the buds
I have asked Aristotle"
I
live an hour
and he says I cannot
"(here his head wandered)
don't like that black horse grinningat me
him
cane
soundly for not
his
verbs
odio
habeam
Oh, Mr.
knowing
Castigote, non
quod
the vacation's coming There is that
Taddy, it'sbreakingup with me
black horse again Dulcis moriens reminiscitur
short of canes
we
are
"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

OF

DEATH

THE

THE

36

DOMINIE.

Taddy, don't let the school get into disorder when I am gone
I'm afraid,
throughmy illness the boys have gone back in their flogging
all over
Is the new
I feel a strange feeling
me
pupil come ? ^I
and have made my will
and left all
trust I have done my duty
head
wandered
Mr.
to
the
his
school
bookseller
Souter,
again)
(here
make the boys walk in good
Mr. Taddy, I invite you to my funeral
"

Mr.

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

order

and take

"

to Mrs.

B. at

of the

care

dim
crossings.
My sightis getting
"

and

Margate
"

inform

her

we

"

"

I am
The school-door is left open
very cold
I will make him feel
John, lightthe school
"

0 Mr.

line

"

art

"

"

"

dying
"

Taddy

^he
"

voice ceased.

"

venit hora

is dying. We
"

He

made

a
"

"

dying

Greek

"

or

the Widow

Latin

author

declined to

"

"

see

dying

am

"

dy"
feeble motion with his hands, as if
the rulingpassion
strongin death
"

are

"

"

beside,that

you

"

are

The

"

discovered in his
Paine.
and

the

in the

who
a

"

was

Hundred

almost

and

"

desk,

Epitaph

and
Virgil,

mason

it under
lithograph

The

with

was

so

every

consulted
Pounds.

thou

"

Dominie
and

I cannot

lamps

^my hour is come

rulinga copy-book
expired.
An epitaph,
was
composed by himself,
an
unpubHshed pamphlet againstTom
from
stuflfed with quotations
Homer
act of

write

"

break up on the 21st.

where is my ruler gone

by
The

Latin than Hic Jacet;"

consequently
reposes under no more
without a single
of Greek, thoughhe is himself a Long
particle

Homer.

**IT

MAY

BB

MY

OWN

d2

CASK

TO-MORROW.*

36

THE

OVER

OVER
*'

had

I sat
my

whose

over

againsta

window

WAY.

WAY

THE
there stood

where

pot with very prettyflowers ; and I

opened,and

the window
on
a sudden
eyes fixed on it,when
Arabian
Nights.
beauty struck me."

young

"

! the flames

Alas
About

I've

my

of

heart and

caughta

an

unhappy

on

my

fever that I

Over

lover

vitals prey ;
t

can

get over,

the way

why are eyes of hazel ? noses Grecian !

lost
iVe
my
my rest by night,
peace by day,
of some
brown
Holland or Venetian,
For want
Oh

Over
I've

the way.
heart's

gazedtoo often,tillmy

any needle in
Crosses belongto
As

stack of

Over
read

Of what

avail Lord

They

cannot

ease

is crossed

the way

write,or thoughtsrelax"

I cannot

or

hay

love,and mine

lost

as

me

Althorp or

Earl

Grey

of ray window-tax
Over the way !

ladyappeared

Even

Sunday

on

And

from

devotions

my

St. Bennet

dear St.

To

Fink

Mary Overy

"

the way

! if my

but

godmother were
magic wand, how I
she would change me

With
That

vary,

they go astray
the Mary

Over
Oh

37

WAY.

THE

OYER

would

fairy,
beg and pray

into that canary

the way!

Over

I envy every thingthat's near

A pug, a poll,a squirrel
or a

Miss

jay
"

Blest blue-bottles ! that buz about

Over
Even

at even,

her

see

Some

or

from

then

Emits, two
I

poem,

while

"

how

breathe

Or

ask her for

Or

offer her my

the clear

taper

waxen

her my

unto

the way

deep regards,

whispereday or nay,
hand, some
thirtyyards

"

Over
Cold

high,a starlike ray,

auburn curls put into paper
Over

But

gutters

the way

stories

twelve

gee

to gay,

grave

till the candle

oh ! then

"

shutters,

no

Over
And

the window

the way

for there be

readingon,

tale

Lindo,

the way

pole she is to my adoring;

Like CaptainLyon, at Repulse's
Bay,
I meet an icy end to my
exploring
as

the

"

Over

the way

Each

dirtylittle Savoyardthat dances

Punch
She looks on
or
chimney-sweepsin May
wherefore
!
I attract her glances
Zounds
cannot
"

"

Over
Half
Or
But

out

she leans to watch

yelpingcur,
I'm in love

she

never

Over
church
I go to the same
Haunt
all her walks, and
"

She

does not

No
She

privatetheatres
Crown-andnever

she

Anchor

tumblingbrat.

dray ;
that
pities
a

the way
a

love-lost labour

she has

play j

neighbour

the way

never

acts

balls her

visits gentlemenwith
Over

dodge her at the

to know

seem

Over
At

by

over

run
"

the way

fancysway
tracts

the way

88

OVER

To

THE

WAY

billets-doux

by post she shows no favour

short, there is no plot that I can laybreak my
window-pains to my enslaver

In
To

Over

flute

play the

No

I wish

introduction

an

fire would

wasted

My

baker

And

the way

attics
!

ought of itself to touch

feels my appetite's
decay;

beef I turn

her ;

meat

oh ! she's my
the way !

"

at lamb

butcher

veal I pout

or

to bringup the tray ;

ringnow
grumblesat my diningout

never

My

chromatics-

purvey
in the

out

Over
At

my

form

for butchers'

as

not

can

break
Over

My

way

she heeds

"

friend

the

"

stomach

Over

the way

I'm

of my
life ; without regret
weary
I could resignthis miserable clay
To

lie within

that box

mignonette

of
Over

the way

I've fitted bullets to my pistol-bore

;
I've vowed
at times to rush where trumpets

Quite sick of number

one

and

"

Over
Sometimes

horse

four

fancybuilds up castles airy.

only paintsa ferme omee,
six fowls
and Mary,
cow
a pig

my
it

Sometimes
A

number

the way

bray,

"

"

I dream

Sometimes

"

"

Over

the way

of her in bridal

white,
altar,like a fay ;
balls,and neighbourlyinvite

Standingbefore the
Sometimes

of

Over
her in

I've coo'd with

Thrice

I have

made

rowed

grove
Over the way
her in

I have

Thrice

raced to Gretna

shower'd

crowns

in

any

turtle,

one

"

the way

thrice I've started up from dreams

rivals in a bloody fray
Of killing

appalling

"

young

man

very

Over

Tay

myrtle

And

Tliere is

and

fairyshallop,
po-shay,"
the horses gallop

neat

to make

Over

Clyde,the Tweed,
of that

Thrice

And

dreams, like
the

I've snatch'd her from

the way

fond of
the way

calling
!

PLAN

FOR

Oil !

WRITING

happy

man

Whoever

in her

And

add

BLANK

above

"

all

Nabob

of Arcot

Sultan

of Persia

39

RHYME.

kingsin glory,

rather

such

the way

Despot of Japan
Emperor of Cathay
would
I be the happy man
"

"

"

"

Over

With

IN

ear
may say his say,
tale of love to that one story

Over

Much

VERSE

the way

lot my heart would be in clover-"

But what
0 horror ! what do I
survey !
Postilions and white favours ! all is over
a

"

"

"

Over

RUNAWAY

WRITING

FOR

VERSE
TO

LETTER

MATCH.

PLAN

BLANK
IN

the way

THE

IN

RHYME.

EDITOR.

Sir,

Respected

of its reporters,
justlycelebrated for the acuteness
and their almost
propheticinsightinto character and motives
of
and the magni^the Rhodian
length their leapstowards results,
tude
of their inferences,
beyond the drawing of Meux''s dray-horses,
there appeared,
a few
days since,the following
paragraph.
tall
emaciated
House.
a
Mansion
Yesterday,
being,in a brown
and the raggedness
of
his age to be about forty-five,
coat, indicating
and
which gave a great air of mental
his
to
intelligence
ingenuity

In

morning

paper

"

"

"

countenance,
was

evident

was

from

introduced
his

by

the

officers to the Lord

bovv
preliminary

that he

had

made

Mayor.
some

It

disco-

40

PLAN

BLANK

WRITING

FOR

VERSE

IN

RHYME.

veries in the art of

poetry,which he wished to laybefore his Lordship,

the Lord Mayor perceiving
mitted
by his accent that he had alreadysubhis projectto several of the leading
Publishers,referred him

but

back

to the

and the
jurisdiction,
withdrew, declaring
by another bow,
same

the Editor of the Comic

The

Votary of

unfortunate

should

that he

the Muses

offer his

plan to

Annual."
referred to, Sir,is myself, and with regard
votary, though not a 10/. one, if the qualification

unfortunate,above

to the

Muses, indeed

dependson
the Editor

my

of the

pocket ^but for the idea of addressing

myself to
indebted solely
Comic Annual, I am
to the assumption
"

is
gentlemenof the Press. That I have made a discovery
in
and
and
with
and
common
Herschell,
Galileo,
true,
Hervey,
Roger
Bacon, or rather,I should say, vpith Columbus, my invention concerning
of
whole
world
in
the
it
a
as
hemisphere,
poetry ^in
were,
of the

"

"

short,the whole
readers this
and

from

land
literary

*'

"

line chime

one

relish for numbers

of
epithet

of blank

has

sole reason,

one

the close of

continent

hitherto

been

the end

with

an

immense

harmony which

up

Poems

of

makes

of another.

They have
at
accordingly

blank, and wonder

Prize,'*
prefixedto

number

completeterra incognita^

of that

the want

that turn

To

verse.

of

the

kind

which

no

the
in

emanate

of Oxford.
Thus many
University
the
unable
to
are
society
appreciate Paradise
very worthy
Lost,the Task, the Chase, or the Seasons, the Winter especially
without rhyme.
in question,
but
Others,again,can read the Poems
with a limited enjoyment; as certain persons can
admire the architectural
beauties of Salisbury
like it better wdth a
but would
steeple,
of
For
of
bells.
either
will provide,
these
tastes
ring
my discovery
without afironting
the palateof any other ; for althoughthe lover of
will
find
in
it a prodigality
hitherto unknown, the heroic character
rhyme

"

going to

was

from

say

members

the

"

of

"

of blank
"

do
"

as,
a

as

will nok

verse

specimen
"

induced

and

to make

"water-carrier."

offer for

an

independentlyof

I have

an

Edition

for the Family Library,

it will be an
principle,
and
RespectedSir,your most obliged,

to

Murray

should

of Paradise

eternal
humble

NOCTURNAL

Even
The

is

; and

come

from

SKETCH.

the dark

signalof the

Park, hark.

sun
one
setting
gun !
And
six is soundingfrom the chime, prime time
To
go and see the Drury-Lane Dane slain,
Or hear Othello's jealous
doubt spout out,
Or Macbeth
ravingat that shade-made blade.
"

"

"

Denyingto
Or else to
Four

his frantic clutch much

Ducrow

see

horses

as

no

other

with wide
man

can

touch

"

stride ride
span ;

Lost

subjoin
on

be

this

obligation
on,
servant.

the next

honour

the

Mr.
publicity,

if,through your
me

as

line will

each

suffer in the least,but

it likes with its own," and sound

milkmaid," and

"

42

LETTER

PROM

And

that she hears

And

his, from Reverend

White

ribbons

That

upward

what

"

MARKET

faith is man's

Mr.

and
flourish,

goes, shows

LETTER

FROM

The

Rose

knows

those bows'

woes

FAVOURS.

GARDENER

TO

HORTICULTURAL

THE

CRETARY
SE-

SOCIETY.

Sir,
Satietyhaving Bean

Leaf

to

They

will luck upon

Them

lie before

with

pleasd to Complement Me before

witch
agin as follow in particullers
Sowth
a
Aspic.

last year I paid my

at the
pleasdto be gratifid

Sir

banns

stout shout out,

MARKET

THE

OF

Ann's

"

Rice,twice, thrice
a

WHITE

GARDENER.

"

have tumd

Atentions

Eyes
Making them

Tater

Innlargementof

to Gozberris.

my

to

"

Big for

Bottlin.

the

Say

to

beg
hop

Satietywas

Kidnis.

my

happy

am

"

This

I have

ear

allmost

beg to Present sum

in Siz then a Red
of itch kind
Pleas obsarve a Green Goose is larger
occupidby
Goosebry. Sir as to Cherris my atention has Bean cheafly
of
them
Crickt
Balls
be seen
Sum
will
the Black Arts.
are
as big as
as
I send a Sample tyed on a Wauking-stick. I send lickwise a Potle of
They air so largeas to objectto
stray berris witch I hop will reach.
sucksidid in

too

"

lay

more

nor

too in

Pins, of

new

Hand

into

GalleyPot

and their is no
Be

moor

Bed.

at

your

Feat.

without

Show

Plentifle "

on

flaviour.

ConcerningGraps

to

I have

Want

and

hop they

RespectiveBlack
as

jamming. My
My Walls of the

their is no

of Hobbies

Potle

growd equelyLarge,so

Please inform if propper

Warter

Also

remarkably sharp

in time to be

CurrencyI have

of

one

bin recommanded

is not

line.

Plumb

to

cum

"White

"

to be Put

ben

Strong,

Damsins

will

Bullies about Lunnon.

common

the Slow
classify

Bunch

will

red

Pitches has not

of my

one

with the creepers.

by mixing Wines

Mellons,the later is improvedin its

juice
"

but have

with

douts

of

LETTER

FROM

MARKET

43

GARDENER.

Coucumber, I hav maid Trial

PatgonianPickleiiig
End
one
of,and have hops of Growing one
up to M arkit by sitting
On
of
dore.
account
front
its
I
Proggressivenesspropos
agin my
if
of.
Pickleus
it
Perriginatus
Aproved
calling
Stocks.
Of Haws
I have some
Sir,about Improvingthe common
about
I
but
have
am
disponding
hops
quitefaled in culmy Hyps.
I have
allso atempted to Mull
tuvatingthem into Cramberris.
Of the

the fack.

"

but
Blackberis,

Aples I

of

Pleas observe

satisfidthem

am

pore

Grafft of the

is

Crab

common

I should
Hispalliers.

lick to

of the Pom
Granite
variety
Nothingbut Stone.

from

be
"

in-

ther
wea-

frute,and

by
up
Rocks
namely

all eat

the Burds

In

Ravines.
had

manner

was

Sparers.
grate
beside by

by
distroyd

the

bean

dun

Mischef

full

but

There

as

like

Pees

of

Shew

use

is of diferent Genius.

Corn

Engine

Sir, My
has been

and

so

say

sum

as
"

to

Scotch Granite

weather

the Mulberris

have found

its Straglin
sideways of
fourmd

"

in some
EntymoUogy
parts a complet Patch
has
of Blight. Their
"

bean
Robin

grateDeal too
by boys and men

of

but
pickingand stealing

bean

their has
axidents
I

by

so

many

Steel

don t like

Traps

settingon

'em.
Sir I

be

Satietyto

mite be maid

"

the

wish
partickly

toe

ho

called to considder the Case what

Transaxtionable in the next Reports

"

I think

as
follows,
"
"

Cat that

My Wif had a Tomb

dyd. Being a torture Shell and
had Him
Grate feverit,
we
a
berrid in the Guardian,and for
the sake

of inrichment

Mould

had

scted

Gosberry

beingup
kind.

the

under

same

of

Frute

The

Bush.

tillthen of the smooth

But

the Gozberris
moor

depo-

roots

the

Seson's

next

Frute after the Cat

"

of the

carks

the

was

was

berrid,

all hairy.

tom's

a-cold

"

the

of the same
Catpilers
bush, was
humble
I am
Sir Your
servant
hairyDiscription.

Remarkable

Thomas

All

of the

Frost,

44

*"

This visit,Mrs. Skinner I

I have not seen
you such
to
(The wretch has come

an

dinner!)

Your

"

dears,
here and kiss the infant,
measles
the
it
!)
give p rhaps
"

(And

charming boys I see are home

Mr. Russel s ;
Reverend
kind
to bringthem both,"
'Twas
very
for
Brussels !)
boots
(What
my new
I littleClara left at home ?
I call that shabby :
Well now
I should have lov'd to kiss her so,-

"

BLACK,
All

at

She

did

the

Miss

once

not

full-bodied

and then into

leave
with

off
a

I shall see

longer

you down

uncommon

hope

the stairs

"

pleasure!)

Good-bye ! good-bye! remember all,

take your dinners !
time you'll
(Now, David, mind I'm not at home

jNext
'

In future to the Skinners

MODERATE

! ")

INCOME.

AND

WHITE,

Morbid

time I

BROWN.

left off sugar.

lay down their carriage,

resignit as some
persons
into
a
chariot,next into a fly,
dwindling
family-coach
sedan-chair.

certain household

dark-brown, and

Nay

next

carriage!)

measure

me

most

hear the

you go ?

give

"

"

"

'

! must

long to hear
marriage;
to spend the
course

seat

You'll

(With

What

dabby,babby !)
(A flabby,

Come, take

What

"

From

"

better for

(Thank Heav'n, I

Your

"

drops in to sup,
our
brandy !)

now

About Matilda's
You're come
of
!"
day

"

Come

never

(The

of

daughters,too, what loves

girls
easels !
heads for painters*
What

'*

Mr. S.,I hope he's well,

! though he lives so handy,

Ah
He

"

PARENTHESES.

And

"

age

IN

T.RUTH

kind,

it very

reallytake

OR,

ASIDES;

DOMESTIC

She

did not

economists,from
so

on,

to

none

at

white
all.
"

like
shade it off artistically,
to

She

whitey brown, brown,

off,as one might
a
a
or on
plank
slide,

left it

the top of a house, or on

all at once,
further end to it,that is to say, slapdash,

walking on

without

BLACK,

WHITE,

warning. She

moment's

1830,

not

ever

truth

The

was

she had

been

listened to

had

tooth,root

she

sugar, or as
brown, in her eyes, but
would

which

Miss

use

and

her sweet

drawn

"

Morbid's

expression,

own

her doors."

SlaveryMeeting;
had

let fall his hat, dab.

It
From
the 30th of November,

toot sweet.

of sugar, to

ounce

an

darkened

"

as

"

in the
speak appropriately,

CorporalTrim

dropped it,
lump.
vanished,as the French say,
She

it up, to

gave

45

BROWN.

AND

convert

Accordinglyshe

and branch, out

called it

"

under

vow,

Anti-

an

of her head.

forth
Thence-

was
shugger,"

red,blood-red
a

at

who
Abolitionist,
lecturing

no
longerwhite,or
abomination,to indulgein

an

"

Christian
professing

made

that
feelings,

present the day before

into

Cannibal.
practical

the influence

of moist

eyes

and

the

enter
more
sanguinaryarticle should never
house ; and this petty parody of the famous
her lipsor
Berlin
Colonial produce was
e
nforced.
Decree against
However
our
rigidly
of the Slave Owners
the practice
others might countenance
suming
by confor
s
he
resolved
her
fering
sufthat
own
no
shugger," was
part,
of Africa should ever
rise up againsther out of a
sable son

refined

her

*'

"

of Teal"

cup

time,the cook and housemaid grumbled in concert at

the prohibition
:
they naturally
thought it very hard to be deprived
which
of a luxury
they enjoyedat their own proper cost ; and at last
condition that the privaon
onlyconsented to remain in the service,
tion
should be handsomelyconsidered in their wages.
With a hope
in her will,the poor relations of Miss
remembered
of being similarly
Morbid
continued
istered
to drink the
warm
without,"which she adminIn

the

mean

"

to them

would

by

have

their

that

the

Sunday, under

every

desired

better

no

the

physiognomies.Some pursed
nauseous
beverage should never

their

up

enter

preventit from

and

picturethan

was

if resolved

as
lips,

them

Hogarth
presented

others

pressed
com-

again. One
in sips, another gulpedit down
took it mincingly,
in desperation,
a
continued
stir
of
in
fit
with
to
third, a
absence,
superfluously
very
who
his spoon ; and there was
shrewd old gentleman,
one
by a little
the favour of his small souchong
dexterous by-play,used to bestow
astonished Strangerwould
sick geranium. Now
and then an
on
a
their

mouths,

if to

of Tea

name

subjectfor

as

rushingout

"

retain
at

cupfulof
guests,as

half

his fellow

of Mathews's
or

stillin

on

dose in his mouth, and stare round

tacitly
puttingto them the very question

if

in

Yorkshireman

the

mail

coach

sweets

their Aunt's

"

than to
house

conversion

sort of hard

Taffy was

call.

Miss

however, were
greatestsufi'erers,
the morning of their youth, and

sipthe

sudden

"

the black

"
"

Coompany

!
"

oop

doon ?"
The

"

"

as

"

hail the

been

Dulce

famous

for

Prior to her

Domum.
the

"

tart is tart indeed without

of

manufacture

bake, commonly called Toffy or Taffy, but

not
at home," and there was
nothing else

Currant

nephews,

inclined to
far more
boy-like,
had
dawn."
formerlylooked
They

peculiarlya

she had

Morbid's two

sugar ; and

as

now,
to

alas !

invite

for the green

46

AND

WHITE,

BLACK,

BROWN.

the young

they always tasted, as

gooseberries,

gentlemenaffirmed,

sharpened to a pint." In short

a quart
lick
and buUseyes,
a
requiredsix pennyworth of lollipops
of berries

"like

dip

treacle,and

of

tell the truth,her

could

She

Vampyres;

her

nippers. She
of

of

temper soured

own

of

honey,

sweeten

one

the

tion.
prohibi-

they were
admiringher self-denial,
even
compared her, in

even

wicked

acerbityand

littleunder

Sugar-eatersthat

or
practising,

and

it ;

they laughed at

constancy

persuade the

not

instead

"

allusion to

hogshead,to
grocer's

always

Morbid's.

visit at Aunt
To

pick

at

it

wag

her

crab without
to
the
a
privation,
her
the
and
in
to
system ;
perseverednotwithstanding
of
of
wilfulness
the
added
a
something
bigot:
martyr
"

hinted by patrons and patronessesof white charities,

indeed,it was
had not their fair share in her benevolence.
that European objects
the friend of the blacks.
She was
Howbeit, for all her
pre-eminently
not
sacrifices,

lash

averted

was

from

their sable backs.

in the kitchen,she had

raised discontent

disgustedher
dear

friends,and given her own

stomach-ache,without savingQuashy from
sickened

her

one

of the

the shins of Sambo.

kick from
a single
diverting

had

acquaintance,
nephews the

little
cut

She

driver

Her

whip, or
grocer
complainedloudlyof beingcalled a dealer in human gore, yet not one
hogsheadthe less was importedfrom the Plantations. By an error
for a positive
to all her class she mistook a negative
principle;
common
she
and persuadedherself that by not preserving
damsons,
preserved
she
was
the Niggers; that by not sweeteningher own
dulcifying
cup,
accordingly
the lot of all her sable brethren in bondage. She persevered
of
instead
the
face
in setting
her
slavery; against
againstsugar
plant instead of the planter;and had actuallyabstained for six
months

from

roused

her

when
article,

the forbidden

sympathiesinto

active

more

occurred

circumstance

exertions.

It

that

pleased an

she
lady to import with her a black female servant, whom
The
in
her
arrival
case
was
rather abruptlydismissed,
on
England.
of great
considered by the Hampshire Telegraphof that day, as one
American

the round

paragraphwent

; the

HARDSHIP

time attracted the notice of Miss

to her

provedirresistible.
little week, her
The

so

"

as

as

the

with

crow.

no

She

and wrote,

"

tone

and in the

"

into
work

they soon

was

if

she

had

been

"carved
literally
been

fellow-servants,without
upon

of

one

beingof the same

and above all
sullen,
artful,
gluttonous,

Fuller

looked

course

it that

maliciouslybut truly
white Slaves and a black Companion."
in reality,
a
clumsy Negress,
strapping

and takingliberties; and, as

laziness,
of her

about

was

have
says, she could scarcely
seemed
I^abour
Free
of
notion
her protectress. Her
old

and in duo

"

addressed
precisely

was

Warren

Try

papers

other merit than that of

indolent, that
intolerably

ebony,"as
CO

"

It

establishment

domestic

ugly as sin,and

colour

She read

was

of
two
consisting
adoptedprotegeewas,

described

as

"

and there
sensibilities,

of the

Morbid.

her

as

at
a

she

in

of less service
to

translate it

seriouslyadded

to

the

to their comall contributing

fort,

completenuisance.

The

house-

BLACK,

dubbed

maid

"

her

AND

WHITE,
the

Divil,"
"

47

BROWN.

cook

roundlycompared her

"

to

o' black cattle ;" and both

out
niischivus beast,as runs
on
a herd
concurred in the policyof layingall household sins upon
the sooty
shoulders
just as slatterns select a colour that hides the dirt. It
"

"

is certain that
a

disease broke

moral

not, the odium

First,there
half-crown

the

knew

how

"

about

Divil"

of

was

theft.

missing

change next,

there

was

stir with

thimble.

the mayor;
the
affidavit like
others,there was

an

name

"

spoon
tea-

Thingswent,

excepted. The
should^and ought to

Housemaid

volunteer

Its

Cook

course

would^and Diana
of innocence,before
declaratory

the

family
and justly or
violence,

comer.

loose

then

"

the

"

new

some

mantel-piece

pieceof work

of the negress in the

considerable

short in
shilling

from

with

out

attributed to the

was

was

anon,

"

instalment

shortlyafter the

but

take

doubt

no

an

Diana

as

body
no-

could^
oath,

did

of her

not

guilt

in the kitchen

Morbid, however, came

Miss

to

very

different conclusion.

She

could eat sugar, were

capableof any atrocity,
the stand which had been made
by the " pale
forgotten

thoughtthat whites who

and

had

not

faces,"in favour of the obnoxious

article. The

cook

incurred
especially

notorious aforetime for a lavish hand

suspicion
; for she had been
in sweetening,
and was
quiteequal to the double turaccordingly
false witness.
and bearing
In fact the mistress had
of stealing
jjitude
of
arrived at the determination
givingboth her white hussies their
month's warning,when
taken, as the
unexpectedlythe thief was
lawyerssay, in the manner," and with the goods upon the person.
black was
in the very act of levyIn a word the ungrateful
detected,
ing
Black Mail."
what might be called her
that the Moor had murdered
The horror of Emilia,on discovering
her
"

"

was
mistress,
scarcely
greaterthan
her
believed
senses.
own
said,

with
her

heels.

She

did not know

She

feather !

rooted

was

that of Miss Morbid

You

whether

the

to

might

! She

she stood

spot ! and her

hardly,she

knocked

have

her down

her head

on

hair,if it had

her own,
would
her head ! There
have stood uprightupon
in
of
doubt
the case.
She saw
of her own
the transfer
a portion
her escritoireinto the

stock,from
she heard

it chink

dumbfounded
a

!
"

sheet,but she

as

it

dropped downwards,

thunderbolted
felt

as

"

she

"

if all the blacks in the world

no

bank

protegee
!
petrified

was

annilliated !" She

'*

been

was

her

pocket of
right-hand

or

"

"

was

had

as

white

justblown

as

in

her face.

Her

talk.

second

her

The

the robber,and insist on

upon
sit down
and weep,
and her third
"

usual

was

First,she described

then,alas ! all that the

on

the

of its

traced

mere

vituperation^but she

enormity of
punishment.

the

and thence to

all that she had

Blacks

the
It

torrent

of

had

here

that

she

was

to

lecture with

done for the Blacks,

done for her.

crime, and, anon,

tution
resti-

mixed
interejaculations

fell into
gradually

"

heads.

nature

She

to

was

openingas

with
many
and

to rush

firstimpulsewas
"

she

Next

sisted
she in-

on
enlarged

the

most
was
eloquent.
from
detection to conviction,
justice,
execution,liberally
throwingdissection into the bargain:
course

of human

was

48.

BLACK,
with
descending

then

Dante

BROWN.

ANT

WHITE,

into the unmentionable

she
regions,
that
paintedits terrors and tortures with all the circumstantial fidelity
certain very Old Masters have displayedon the same
subject.
black
she
And
wretch,"
concluded,
h
avingjust
given
now, you
touch to a portrait
of Satan himself ;
and now, you black
the finishing
wretch, I insist on knowing what I was robbed for. Come, tell me
to hear it ! I insist,
I say, on
what tempted you ! I'm determined
!
knowing what was to be done with the wages of iniquity
in
vain.
The
black
wretch
had
She insisted,
however,
seriously
and

"

"

"

The

the

Judge

with

turns.

the twelve

ear

amused, nay

his black

the Counsel

cap,

by
blubbering
and

their

box, and Jack Ketch himself whom she

that pleasantWest Indian personage, John Canoe
the irons,the
tickled her fancy; the press-room,
in

men

with

and
lecture,grinning

whole

to

inclined her

"

"

wigs,
ciated
asso-

had
rope,

whom
she mistook for an overseer, had raised her
Ordinary,
and excited her fears ; but the spiritualities,
without any
curiosity,
a
nd
had
reference to Obeah,
her,and she
simplymystified
disgusted
in her
in a fit of the sulks. Her mistress,
however,persisted
was
now
f
rom
less
perhaps,
pertinaciously,
expectinga
question
; and not the
and

the

determined to
to hang a fresh lecture. She was
peg whereon
and
of
of insisting,
stolen
dint
the
learn the destination
by
;
money
and, above all,threateningfor instance,with the whole
cajoling,
new

"

Posse Comitatis
"

fuss !

him

Cus

worn

"

carried her
she finally

out

Here's

money
at last by the

What

body 'tealhim

me

'tealhim

for ?

fuss !

point.
"

exclaimed

persecution."Cus
for ?

Why,

l.XVfK

! liUW

What

for sure, to

THK

BLACKS

me

do wid

buy sugar

aHR

the

him

FALUMQ

culprit,
quite
money! here's a

him ?
"

What

any

50

THE

It

will

For

As

by

He

come

\Yith
Where

old

fact, is pervaded

in

betrays they

will

1 in

of

traced

were

the

"

best.

extremely hot-pressed.

the

to

pen

luxuriate

againstev'ry
note

bribe

for

Who

will
the

the

on

sketch

to

care

Fiend

questionto
But

taste

Spirit degraded

for paper

There's

Is

arabesques,

That

In

herb.

brilliantlywinding

goes

cover,

And

and

flowret

alas

Courts

binding,

superb,

embossM

But

As

look,

But,

As

the
or

Bank,
a

sonnet.

appear

Souvenir,

morals

very

it,

upon

blank

first

most

vital

leaf,

public belief.
fill'd by a Lady of Title

It 's the
Will

be

in !

gilded grotesques,

whole

the

write

to

silk is the

through

And

At

did

Serpent

By
The

people

border

town.

book

never

flame-colour

The

for

handsomer

Mortal

Of

to

up

Album

On

renown

common

has

an

grim
a
delightin

take

to

whim

odd

an

Spirit so

But

With

seem

Devil

the

ALBUM.

DEVIL'S

51

SCHOOLMASTER

THE
for

I oNCE^

short time

very

and
",choohnaster,

was

The

the strictestattention to morals.

thoughtproper,

case

and

this ; my

was

ingeniousand

of

bestowing

young

friend

worthy

months

some

-"

to shoot

Oxford, and an
or
back, to establish,

graduateof

"

"

the young idea how

teaching
of
the
estabhshed
Church,
principles

in the
educating
G

indeed,had the honour of being a

the important office of
rearing

invested with

and
thought,"

the tender

ABROAD.

man,

endeavour

to

in my
immediate
an
academy for young gentlemen,
vicinity.
establish,
he
He had alreadyprocured nine day-pupilsto begin with, whom
the
himself
employment of
taught, prudence as yet prohibiting
he
summoned
when
to
attend
was
a
hastily
dying
ushers,
upon
he had some
relative in Hampshire,from whom
expectations.This
"

"

was

dilemma

appliedto
well

had

no

could

not

bear

my

among

one

the

business.

commencing
forlorn hope, and

his

as

me

known

he

after

soon

so

who
,

classes ; and

his three

himself

to poor

that
friends,

one

to leave
idea
In

forlorn

I have

of

his

in

chargeof
playingtruant
extremity he

enough;

for it is

little Latin, and

less

I urged these
accountant.
Greek, and am, on every account, a worse
but
in
he
"friend in need,"
had no
to G
vain, for
objections
within any reasonable distance,
learned or unlearned,
and, as he said
three
in
to comfort
four days merely the boys could not
or
me,
,

"

unlearn

much

of any

At last I gave

way

his

importunity.
Thursday night,

to

On
he

started from
of

tree
a

thing."

knowledgeby

branch

coach

nine

at

the

and

Friday

on

found
morning,
at his
myself sitting

desk

in

the

character

of
I

to say, not

novel

gogue.
peda-

am

sorry

one

of the

boys playedtruant,or
confined at home

was

with
"

There

violent illness.

they

were,

nine littlemischievous

wretches,

goggling,

tittering,pointing,
winking, grimacing,
and

mocking
in

at
a

thority,
auA

way
B

BllANCH

COACH.

52
invoke

*enoughto

desk, with

worn

at

out

the

last,I

of

Elisha bears out

two

Wood.
Soutligate

To put

stuck my
cane
upright
spectacles,
l
ittle
but
terror;
they inspired
fool's-cap
atop"

stop to this indecorum,

in the

ABROAD.

SCHOOLMASTER

THE

put

on

seized the

my

cane,

and

rushingfrom

my

dais,well

flogged I believe it is called flogging the boy, a Creole,nearest me ;

pertinent
much
was
more
daringand imwho, though far from the biggest,
random
selection was
So far my
than the rest.
judicious
;
had
that I
chastised an
but it appearedafterwards,
only son, whose
for him an exemptionfrom all punishhad expressly
mother
ment.
stipulated
"

"

the

prudence

of fond

his preceptor as unceremoniouslyas he would

Diana
Black
or
My first move,
Agamemnon.

scuffled with
a

salutaryeffect;the

had

mothers, she

circumstance, for this Indian-Pickle

kicked

foughtand
had

of

the little imp

informed

moral

the

suspect,with

urchins

made

or
settled,

have
ever,
how-

believe

to

perceivedthat the genuineindustry

and application
boy, who, with pen
belongedto one, a clever-looking
at the further end of a long desk, as
and paper before him, was
sitting
great a contrast to the others,as the Good, to the Bad Apprenticein
of his
Hogarth. I could see his tongue even at work at one corner
signof boyish assiduity,and his eyes never
mouth, a very common
his master, as if in
left his task but occasionally
to glancetowards
which
he
looked
forward as the
of the approvingsmile,to
anticipation

to their tasks
settle,

but

soon

"

"

prizeof industry.
and
him

alreadyselected

I had

resolved to devote my
hand the paper, with

him

best abilitiesto his

inwardlyfor a favourite,
I saw
when
instruction,

from whom
it
to his neighbour,
sly glance,
and
desk, accompanied by a running titter,
a

passedrapidlydown the
the supposedcopy was, indeed, a
sidelonglooks, that convinced me
but
of
or
respect,"
Age commands
Obey your superiors,"
copy not
of the head of the college,
and,as a glimpseshowed, a head with very
with my
last execution,
ludicrous features.
Being somewhat fatigued
to sleep,and inflicted the fools'-cap
of justice
I suffered the cane
the fool's for no clown in pantomime, the greatGrimaldi not
literally
of the costume.
use
laughter-stirring
excepted,could have made a more
shouted outright,
who
The littleenormities,
only tittered before,now
wand
bamboo
of
could
and nothingbut the enchanted
flapthem into
"

"

"

"

solemnity.

Order

resolved

"stand

some

to

for they
restored,

was

how
perplexity,

by

my
to

order;"

and

saw

while

begin business,the

I was,
I was
two

like Earl

Grey,

in
deliberating
came
biggestboys

as
they could in a circle,
standingas much
first Greek
class.
read
the
as
presentedthemselves,and began to
he will; but in
of his prophets as much
boast
as
Mr. Irvingmay
I had far more
of our
reason
to the numbers
congregations,
proportion
of
in
unknown
of
to be proud
course,
tongue. I,
gabblers an
my
in the performance,and after a due course
discovered no lapsuslingui
with a brace of bows and
the first class dismissed itself,
of gibberish,
evident degreeof self-satisfactionat beingso perfectin the present,
an
this first act of our solemn
after beingso imperfectin the past. I own
t
he
rather nervous
farce made
me
against next, which proved to be the

forward

and
voluntarily,

SCHOOLMASTER

THE

class,and

Latin
much

Latin

I have

comedy

with

those

as

second

got throughthe

We

doubt

no

to

an

adept would

dish of

Syntax, where I
detect flaws,and

as

school.
I found

--^

_^

was

seemed

performed
quitecorrect, as before,and

that
satisfaction,

some

the third

have

Westminster

the

at

course

53

ABROAD.

English
able to

was

the

heaps of

that I had to arrest made

errors

thoroughlysensible of the
in the Greek
ignorance
and Latin. A g^eral lesson
in Englishreading ensued,
we
through which
glided
smoothlyenough,tillwe came

me

bliss of

to

sand-bank

in the

shape of

Latin

which I was
quotation,
to English. It was
requested
nemo
somethinglike this :
mortalius omnibus
horasapit,"
a

"

"

which

knows

"

rendered,

at what

starts"

mortal

no

hour the
with

and

"

translation the

whole

this

school

satisfied
perfectly

was

nibus
om-

Nine

more

SECOND

bows.

My horror now
approached: I
and begin to cuff out the
slates,

the

saw

little wretches

old sums, a
I knew

sightthat

all the slates at the roof of the house.

army" of nine attacked

I gave
inexperience,

Unluckily,from
work, and
would

the consequence

was,

each

practical
knowledge of

my

merits.
and

it
Bonny-castle,

my

I had

no

but,

resource

COURSE,

them

very well

would

But

lout of

Lavater

betrayed me.

wish

me

that when

the

long hold out.

same
questionto

different result

"

nor

judge of their
go by Physiognomy,
mathematical-looking

Practice allow

me

Lavater-like,to

selected the solution of the most

accordingly

boy.

made

not

all the

broughtup

their

lug out

to

White, a chowder-headed
lead,and as mulishlyobstinate

Master

as
lad, as dull as a pig of
that his answer
was
correct, and at last
Muley Abdallah,persisted
of
Tutor's
to
the
Key, that he had kept
appealed
superiorauthority a
and
this instant my importancedeclined,
From
by stealth in his desk.
what
with
the urchins evidently
some
justice,
right
began to question,
I had to rule nine,who was
of Three'.
not competent to the Rule
By
of a diversion,
I invited my
pupilsto a walk ; but I wish G
way

had been
the

more

circumstantial in his instructions before he left.

boys pleadedsick

throughmy
most

walked

arithmetical

unfortunate

windows

head-aches

of
more

route

their

like

to remain

under
failure,
I

could

parents,
bears

who

than

have

very

Two

oi

I led the rest,

slender government, by the

behind

chosen,
"

in

; and

fact,past

the

complained afterwards,that
boys, and that if Mr. G

very

they
had

54

THE

drawn

lots for

at

one

he could not
raffle,
been
his

new

in

avoid observation,

which

I did not

them

meadow,
Lost,

court, I

aside
and

volume

usher.

To

led

ABROAD.

have

unfortunate

more

SCHOOLMASTER

into

out
pulling

Paradise

of

left the

boys

themselves

to

they
pleased. They pleased,
to get up a
accordingly,
amuse

as

littleboxingmatch, a-laCrib

and

between
and

Master

the

which

that
from

informed

was
a

final

as

shout

of blood

or treacled,
trickled,

the flat nose

child of colour.
I

White

stream

"

littleCreole,of

only by
and

Molineux

of the
DRAWING

Luckily,

thought,he

was

near

and in return
consolation,

home,

whither

LOTS.

Mrs.

of
practice
Ferdinand

Col.

informs
Christopher

Mr.

's

in

washing and

for

of

course

black footman,
hour, while still in the field,
a
with
note
yellow,broughtme the following
up
**

him

I sent

for which, in the

quarter

powder

of

an

turned

blue

"

Usher, that

as

the

vulgar

pugilismis allowed

at Spring Grove
Academ}', Master Adolphus
educated
in
be
futnre
will
she
at home
Christopher
as
; particularly
understands Master C. was
the
in
in
that
comes
a
punished
morning,
only beway
blacks and slaves." To the new
's."
Usher at Mr. G

Irritated at
Master

White,

this event
but

himself and

Master

its commentary, I resolved to punish

White was
where to be found,havingexno
pelled
and

home, where he complainedto his parentsof

the new
usher s deficiencies,
and told the whole
in
story of the sum
Practice,
beggingearnestlyto be removed from a school where, as he
The prayer of the
for him to improve himself.
said,it was impossible
Mr. White's son was
minus at
petitionwas heard,and on the morrow,
I
in
the
Grove
ordered
march
a
remainder,
Spring
Academy. Calling
homewards, where I arrived justin time to hear the sham head-aches
of the two invalids
an
alarmingexplosion for they had
go ofiFwith
run

away

"

thus concerted
arms.

an

playingwith

opportunityfor
Here

was

another

dischargefrom

parents think that their children look

the

and

for the

when
accordingly,

mothers

they went

resolved to send them

to

home
some

gunpowder

better

and

hibited
pro-

the

school,for no
without
eyebrows,

night,the

where
other school,

fathers and
no

powder

SCHOOLMASTER

THE

was

allowed,exceptupon

the

head

of the

to

master.

hurt

much

too

was

65

ABROAD.

after
schooling

resume

the

boys'bad behaviour,

and

so

a halfgave them
holiday; and never, oh

did

never

the

estimate

so

of sleep,
as
blessing

that

nightwhen

on

I closed

all
eyelids on
my
pupils! But, alas ! sleep

my

I
brought its sorrows
:
flourishing
saw
boys fighting,
"

and
slates,

squibsand
in

ishing
brand-

crackers

Adsions

my

all,
tlirough
"

and

such

is tiie

of dreams,
transparency
"

I beheld
of

the stem

shadow

terable
lookingunut-

EVENTS

COMING

CAST

THEIR

SHADOWS

BKFOKE.

reproaches.
The

morning,with

next

pleasure;

I remembered

verj^ sincere loyalty,

gave
whole holiday. Thus I
a
a day
literally

of

painfulrecollections,
brought one of
and in a fit of
the King'sBirthday,
was
!
alas
reduced
the whole school,
by one half,
end
the
the
of
and
week,
Sunday,
got over

many
that it

rest,was

spent by

urchins at their

the

homes.

own

It may
but I
sinful to wish for the death of a fellow-creature,
seem
could not helpthinkingof G
's relative alongwith what
is called
a

happy

release

and

he

kind,
just after

reallywas

so

to break
as
express from G
up
,
G
consequently would return in

time

duties

infinite

the

on

good bad
part

news

of the

With

Monday morning.
from

Mrs.

who

to

as

learned

we

his

by

arrival,and

an

that

his scholastic

resume

pleasure I

heard

this

interfered in the classical

never

house, and

was

all
consequently

in the

unconscious

tion
reduc-

of the

for
forged an excuse
Spring Grove
that I
resignedI kissed the rod
immediately
leavingoff school ;
overwhelmed
and as I departed,no master but my
was
resigned,
own,
of
I
by a torrent of grateftil
acknowledgments the service had done the
could never
have got on
school,which, as Mrs. G
protested,

Establishment.

"

"

without

How

me.

he behaved

it

got on

rather like Macduff

I left Gat

the

to

and
discover,

loss of his

"

little ones

told

am
"
"

but

given myself warning before his arrival,and escaped

from one porch of the Academy at that nick of time when
the Archoconvinced
didasculus was
that, however
by another, perfectly
entering
I had
luckily,

adapted to
teach.

"

to

live and

learn,"I

should

never

be

able to

live and

56

HEIR.

LOST

THE

where, and oh where

bonny laddie gone

Oh

?"

Is my

One

day,as

Song,

Old

"

goingby

was

High,

That part of Holborn christened

I heard a loud and sudden cry
And

Where
I

blood ;

chill'dmy very
lo ! from out a

That

saw

Bedaub'd

dirtyalley,
to rally,
sally,

Irish wont

pigsand

woman

crazy
with

grease and mud.

her East,she turn'd her West,

She tum'd

like Pythoness possest,

Staring
With
As

streaminghair

one

This way

that she

and

with
Jostling

righthand

The

left a

wildlyran.

man

"

fryingpan,

of beef.

frenzyseem'd to reach
pointjustcapableof speech.

And
As

held

lump

heavingbreast
grief.

and with

woman

Her

At

and

with

stark mad

last her

with
wild

as

Or female

LOST

"

screech.

birds.

ocean

Ranter

She gave her

almost

tone

mov'd

sorrow

CHILD

to

preach,

words."

ITS

OWN

CRYEH.

58

THE

of
Go

home

em

come

HEia.

rabble

of

boys ! I'll break

every

bone

near.

the porter
you'respilling
alonghome vv^ithyour beer.

sorrowfuUest

day

home

go

"

"

day is the

This

of my

"

ever
life,

Tommy
since my

Jonea, gc
name

was

Betty Morgan,
Savoyards! they lost him once before all along of following
a
Monkey and an Organ :
if he's got kiddynapp'd
Billy my head will turn rightround

vile

Them

on, such

move
goodpeople,

Do,

LOST

my

"

with them
make
They'll

him

Italians,

plaster
parishimageboy,they will,the

outlandish

tatterdemalions.
I'm as hoarse as a crow, with screaming
are
you, Billy?
for ye, you young sorrow
!
I shan't,
for crying
fresh herrings
shan't have half a voice,
no
more

where

Biily
"

And

"

to-morrow.

heart in

Billy,
you'rebursting
my
to

other folks

see

in
And

our

and
darlins,

life w^on't be of

no

of

none

like angeJrf
mine, playing

alley.

shall I do but

what

my

vally.

more

If I'm

two, and

cry

out

my

eyes, when

I looks

at

the old

chair
three-legged
As

coach and horses of,and there a'n'tno Billy

there 1
wide world over
to find him, if I only know'd

Billyused to make

1 would

run

all the

where
Little

Murphy,

to run.
I remember,
now

a penny
tealing

was

once

bun,
"

I10M"TBK

OK

JNIQUITY.

lost for

month

through

THE

The

forbid of any

Lord

LOST

child

5"

HEIR.

mine

of

! I

think

it would

kill

me

raily,
find my

Bill holdin' up his littleinnocent hand at the Old Bailey.

search
for
though I say it as oughtn't,
yet I will say, you may
miles and mileses

To
For

And

find

not

if I called him

set

never

pretty behaved, from

more

beauty,it'sno

lie,but only

as

Mother

ought

speak ;

to

You

and

brought up,

to t'other of St. Giles's.

end

one

And

better

one

handsomer

a
more
eyes on
for a week
;

face, only it hasn't

been

washed
As

for

hair,tho'
show

I'llowe

'em

its

it the comb

five

blue

And

his

sound

eyes, and

besides,as
blessing

call'd

to be

not

certainly
got ;
is stilla good

little cast

his

he's

falling

pewter pint pot ;

And

teeth for his age ;

quite as fit as Mrs. Murdockson's

And

then he has

elegantwide

most

Drury

Lane

got

in

mouth

the

world,

child to

and

large

very

play Cupid

the

on

Stage.
such

sliallsee

him

think

of

to

just

to

only bringhim

bridge is broke,by

tho' the

un,

got the

dear!

will

squint,though

He's

I've time

home.

nose

on

nicest hair when

most

pounds, and

safe and
He's

red,its the

winning

dear

"

but

never

never

more

no

ways

losinghim

just

after

back

nussinghim

from

death's door !

Only

the very last month

a

the

And

the Cholera

threepencehe'd got by grottoingwas

sixtyfor a child is too many.

no

use

seize of

send

to

drunken
The

last time

he

the

twenty

all

us

in

plums,

and

drat

him,

and,

"

to cry

him

about,he's

such

blunderin'

dog ;

fetched to find

was

spent

hog.

our

Cryer

old

whitewash'd

and

came

man

made
It's

at

penny

And

windfalls,
hang 'em, was

the

when

lost

child,he

was

guzzlingwith

his bell at the

And

went

Billy
"

and

cried

and

Father

where

are

Crown,
boy instead

I'm

scared when
over

Or may

in
And

be

I think
their

be he's stole
narrow

say ?

Billy,I

best of Mothers

own

by

girl,for

distracted

Mother

Town.

about

you,

of

come

Billy,come

home,

to

your

!
of them

Cabroleys,they

Sisters and
some

flues and

drive so,

they'd run

Brothers.

chimbly sweeping wretch, to

what

stick fast

not.

poked up behind with a picked pointed pole,when

ketch'd,and the chimbly's red hot.

the soot has

60

SKETCHES

Oh

Vd

For

he's my

THE

0^

world

givethe whole wide world, if the

two
longin"*
eyes on his face.
darlin of

and if
darlins,
see
me
drop stone dead on
Vd
wish
only
got him safe in these
I

Lauk

ROAD.

! I

hug

and

him

knew

never

kiss him

what

don't

he
the

clap my

to

back, you'll

come

soon

place.
Motherly

two

and

arras

wouldn't

precioushe

mine,

was

was

but

"

child tillyou miss him.

a
and
is ! Punch
Judy hunting,the

child don't

not

feel hke

Why

there he
that

But

let

Billyas

get him

me

sartin

home,

if he shall have

sin 1

as

with

good gripof

POTTED

hair, and

I'm

THE

ROAD.

OBSERVER.

said the coachman,

It's very strange,"
at me
^looking
"
But
it afore
I've made
shoulder
I never
three
see
"

over

"

his left

observations

"

"

bleat

SHRIMPS.

ON

THE

his

in his skin !

bone

whole

SKETCHES

wretch, it's

young

throughlife."
Bat
an
"

^so

"

called for

Upper Benjamin was

a
whipster." He
puny

years,

"

at

calculated

an

average

feet and

shortness,
though in

of

as

any

had
many

thing but
brandished
miles

what
the

inches he
Othello

whip

; the

was

rather

denominates

for

full

product
day
in a respectable
sum

of

thirty
which,

to Cocker, appears
total of
according
six figures
deep.
Now
three hundred
an
experiencepickedup in a progress of some
I leaned with
thousand
miles is not to be slighted
best ear
; so
my
in
coachman's
order
to
the
catch
over
shoulder,
every syllable.

SKETCHES

ON

61

ROAD.

THE

and boy,"said Bat, lookingstraight

box, man
of full thirtyyear, and what's
his leaders, a matter
a-head between
married ; and
the Friday I was
never
missinga day ^barring
more,
in
I
remarks
sailor
of
is
a
never
see
top-boots."
one
my
I think of it,Bat," said I, a little disconcerted at my
"Now
fall
windhave
I
from
had
of
the tree
some
experiencein
knowledge,
and
recollect
d
o
such
not
a
phenomenon."
certainly
myself,
travelling
I'lltake my oath you haven't,"said Bat, givingthe near
leader a
driv the Phenomenon
I once
littleswitch of self-satisfaction,
myself.
I have

"

set

the

on

"

"

"

"

"

"

There's

no

remark

I've made

such

Newfoundland
"

As

for

littleof my
to mind

And

thingin nature.
life
tlirough
dog."

"

yet

never

see

another remarkable
Jew

that.Bat," said I, perhapswillingto

"

disappointment,

own

undertake

I will not

"

I'lltell you

I have

upon
call such

with

met

never

with

him

retort

though I cannot

to say

Pedlar

sight

such

an

association."
"

If you

and

with

and

we've

have,you're a lucky man,"

smart

of

none

the wheeler ;
it. There's
seen

cut

on

us

inquiredof every man

deal more
than
see
a
thingI've observed
black
"

it's my

their fellows.

and
throughlife,

belongto
hundred

somewhat

sharply,

association too,
members, and I've
an

remark.

But

that's this
"

I've

never

people

some

Mayhap you've seen

the

other

observed

course

was

dailyvisitant

And

"

said

whole
a

'em, for

Bat,

driving longstage."

man

Never, Bat,"

"

of

said

"

of my

to conciliate him,
I, desiring
for many
; and
stage practice
years

never

of my

in the
life I

to Richmond."

else has

That's a correct
it,"said Bat.
in his life,
drove a team
remark, anyhow. As for Richmond, he never
for I asked him the questionmyself,just after his fight
with Shelton
no

one

ever

"

seen

*'

THE

"

as

the Leviathan

HOPE

I beheld

whole
in he

the

frame

of

CONTRAST.

is

half aloud,
outward-bound," I ejaculated,
Kit-Kat
portionof the Man-Mountain
occupyingthe
the coach- window.
But Hope deceived as usual ; and

came.

in, for it was

ought rather to have said he essayedto come
only
after repeated
material
he
that
contrived
substances,
experimentsupon
to enter
the vehicle edgeways, if such blunt bodies may
be said to
have an
all.
I
his
As
I
at
could
not
contemplated
bulk,
edge
help
thinkingof the mighty Lambert, and was
ready to exclaim with
"

"

Gratiano,
"

The

Daniel !

second

Brobdignaggianhad

Daniel

!"

in his seat, when

the
barely subsided
! The
oppositedoor opened, and in stepped a Lilliputian
conjunction
whimsical.
is
the
Irish
was
and
the other
Yonder, thoughtI,
Giant,
is the
This
Borulawski.
coach
is their travellinj?
dwarf. Count
and
for
I
caravan
as
myself, am no doubt the showman.
"

62

SKETCHES

hand

"

held

the coach

up
window.

said
luggage,"

It's my

with

Giant,

of

penny-trumpet

small

pipe,and

takingpossessionof
goldenpippin of
"

ROAD.

fancies, when

suddenly

somethingat
the

TITE

amusingmyself with

was

this and kindred

a

ON

mere

hundle.

large trunks
the biggest
are
carpet-bag
said the Dwarf,
property,"
The

and
mt/

with

three

voice

unexpectedly

as

stentorian.
"Warm
the

day.Sir,"
squeaked

Giant, by

of small

way

talk.
"

Prodigious
preponderance

of caloric in the

thundered
of

atmosphere,'
Dwarf, by way '

the

big talk.
"

Have

you paid your fare,

man,
gentlemenV asked the coach-

lookingin
"

My
"

I have

is

Mine

is

GRE.\T

CONTRACTOR.

MAIL

at the door.

paid half

name

THE

of

mine,'

Lightfoot."
Heavy side,"said

said the

the

and

"

Stupendous,

disbursed

I have

and

Pigmy,

it's booked.

the

total."

sum

The

door

and
clatter,
hundred

slammed

bowled

away

yards,when

stones, followed
than

the

"

by

the New

it gave
a

very

vent

to

sleep,I leaned back

in

cracked

whip
an

but

Safety;

alarmingbound

The

had

Gog

street, and
the

Great

GoHah

Dwarf, in a
the Giant said,

comer,

with

wary

The

The

of the

wonder

The

St. Paul's."

David

"

Gog

The
several

louder

Dear

myself;

so,

me

"

feigning

to their conversation.

ear

was

Hurlothmmbo
Tom

Thumb

extent

"

was

"

must

for the
twelve

of view

amazed

The

by

same

Manikin

grandeurof

the

St. Peter's at

of
spoke slightingly

best."
say he liked the Minors
Majors. The Man-Mountain's

inches.

from

the

top of
disappointedby the prospect from

vast
"

In theatricals their taste held the

I to

paving

tone

"

two

"

Plinlimmon."

Foote

loose

morning to the Exhibition of Fleas,in Regentthought them "prodigious!" The Runtlinghad visited
Whale
at Charing-Cross,
and
thought little of it." The

spoke with

declared

barelyrolled
some

been that

the Monument."

Rome.

had
over

criticalswing. The

oath ;
a prodigious
ever, gave
There
will somethingcome
of this,said

made

horse-shoes

sixteen

"

mathematical
The

"

favourite

Miss
preferred

tion.
propor-

Wee

Cuhitt

Thing
was

"

Miss

eighteen.

and the contrast,

flourished in full flower through
conversation,
till
Arms, and then
stages, we stoppedto dine at the Salisbury
"

chair at the

C3

DAY.

JOHN

The

Folio took

The

Duodecimo

The

Puppet bespokea legof mutton

Colossus ordered a mutton-chop.
Imp rang the bell for "the loaf"

The

required

"

to himself."

room

"

called for

Monster

The

ordinary

"

"

The

of port was

magnum
short pint of

We

for the Minimum.

decanted

set before the Maximum.

sherrywas

heard the Mite

open Sea !"

The Mammoth

roll.

"

The

bellowingby himself,
"

hummed

The

Sea ! the

Sea ! the

Streamlet."

learned,was bound to Plimpton Magna.

The Huge, we
found,was goingto Plimpton Parva.
other circumstances have escapedfrom Memory throuarh
A hundred
The

Tiny, we

the holes that time has made

as

we

The
The

passedthe bar in
Pigmy
Giant

our

bussed the

in her

"

"

but

I remember

distinctly,

outwards,that while

passage

landlady
daughter

kissed her

sieve

and forty"
widow, fat,fair,
and
ten years old,
ably
remark-

buxom

child

HALT

OF

small for her age.

GREAT

THE

DESERT

JOHN
A

Day

PATHETIC

after the

John

THE

CARAVAV.

DAY.
BALLAD.

Fair."

Old

"

againstthe

shafts of love.
avail ?

Day
he was the biggest
man
Of all the coachman-kind.
With
back too broad to be conceiv'd
mind.
By any narrow

Alas

The

he lov*a
The bar-maid of the Crown
he never
From whom
ranged,
For tho* he changed his horses there,
Hi" love he never
chang";d.

very horses knew his weight

When
in the rear.
he was
And wish'd his box a Christmas-box
To come
but once
a year.

Provkh!}.

What
Soon
His

armour

can

Cupid sent

an

scarlet coat

arrow

through

of mail.

64

JOHN

DAY.

thoughther fairest of all fares,

fondlylove prefers
;
twelve outsides.
often,among

He

So

And
Deemed
One

day

Beside
He

came,

And

no

as

she

Oh

an

offer

As littleas you

fat,

plump.

Said she, my taste will never

To like so huge a man,
So I must beg you will come

love

learn

throughthick

Mary, view
And

"

pine

To

down
sitting

was

him

maoe

To merely bones and skin

But stillhe loved like one resolved

outside like hers.

the porter-pump
and knelt with all his

made

At last her coldness

my

and

wasted

thin.

back,

calf;
my dwindled
Tho' I have never
had a wife,
I've lost my better half.
see

Alas, in vain he stillassail'd.

Her

heart withstood the dint ;

Though he had carried sixteen stone
He could not move
a flint.

her^

can.

out, at last he made

But stillhe stoutly

urged his suit,
and tears,
With vows, and sighs,
Yet could not pierceher heart,altho'
He
drove the Dart for years.

Worn

In vain he wooed, in vain he sued

cold and proud.
The maid was
And
sent him off to Coventry,
While on his way to Stroud.

will talk in water's praise.

Now
some
And waste a deal of breath.
But John, tho' he drank nothingelse-

To

break

fretted all the way to Stroud,

thence all back to town,
of love was
The course
never
smooth.
So his went up and down.

The

was

For

himself to death.

cruel maid
out

that caused his love.

the fatal close.

the butt,she saw.

butt-end of his woes.

lookingin

The

Some

haunts the Crown

say his spirit
that is only talk
For after ridingall his life,
But

"

ghostobjectsto

THE

BOX

vow

so

drank

Found

And

His

being'slink

reduced in size
he
At nothing
could shrink.

For he

He

He

his

SEAT

walk.

66

THE

PARISH

REVOLUTION.

is a sightwhich opens a field for terrified conjecture.

populace,
and dismay ; because,whilst
with doubt, agitation,
me

armed

I look around

those to whom

I venerate

tioned of the

surround

which

To

Beingon

even

that I think

whilst

but

hope ;

the

I feel

scenes,

any idea of the prospects

all will end well, is to trespass

give you

to

me

say
confines of

the

beyond

you will allow.

eye-witnessof these fearful

is for

me.

be said
may
that the abuse of

state

overstep of authorityin the best inten-

an

Charles, an

it
impossible

how

of

part

yieldto the conviction

Magistracy. This

dear

spot,my

but
be

be felt to

must

power

of

the sway

I cannot
intrusted,

to be

admit

I cannot

that

there is

shut

my
eyes to
stronggroundfor apprehendingthe worst,
if
with
that
firm
be
tempered
conviction,
concession,
measures,
resorted to, it is far from
that
being out of the pale of probability
In
re-established.
this
be
h
ever,
owconclusion,
hazarding
serenitymay
consider
the
at
all
must
not
me
as
responsibilities
forgetting
you
formed
Charles
! you who
which
attach to a decidedly
opinion. Oh,

the

in the

are

which

the

form

which

you
rather

from

are

you would
any of the

for

wish

elements
conflicting

village.I
thought at

details;but

read this ; his heart,which

of the

littledream

me,

omit

than

can

of this devoted

storm

all these

with

wearied

you

quietof London,

to

me

fear you

this

distance,at

the risk of

run

wearying

circumstances.
interesting
beats for the

I know

Let Edward

Parish,will bleed
I am,

us.

"c.

H.
P.S.

has

Nothing further
againto-morrow.

me

"

yet occurred,but

Another
of disunion have

Symptoms
the

mobile

primum
that

or

all tavern

should

shall hear

from

between
past prevailed

time

some

of the

part

in
firstmobbing,originated

doors

shut

inhabitants.

order

The

of the

Mayor's,
Many complied,and
openly resisted the order
an

eleven.

at

Rampant Lion
A more
and more
tation
recent
notice has produced a new
dangerousirritoo combustible
on
our
population. A proclamationagainst
Fauxes
Fireworks
and
understood
to be in preparation,
was
Guy
of the chief Magistrate.If his Worship had listened to
by command
the earnest and prudential
advice of the rest of the bench,the obnoxious
placard would not have been issued till the 6th, but he had it
has plunged Stoke
posted up on the 4th, and by his precipitation
shut, but

Pogisinto

the

door

for

you

J. P.

account.

Pogis,and

authorities of Stoke

will be

of

the

convulsion, that nothingbut Time's soothingsyrup

can

alleviate.
From
We

are

all here in the

took
state

another qtmrter.

greatestalarm

of
generalrising

place this morning,and they

ever

since.

popularmovement.
goinghis rounds,and

Everybody

cries

Seditious

some

on

"

repeating

have

is in

God

are

save

continued

bustle

and

the inhabitants
in

turbed
dis-

indicating

heard ! the bell-man

the

King

is

!" is saluted

THE

67

REVOLUTION.

PARISH

Hang the crier !" Organizedbands of boys are goingabout

bonfires is not
for barricades or
sticks,"c., whether
collecting
famous
the
of them
known
Gunpowder Hymn,
Pray
singing
; many
"

with

"

These

"c.

remember,"

that remind

features

are

strangersof
privately
engaged a
hand-bills amongst the crowd
distributing
Several

times.

night,and

here last

and

persons
embarrassed

and
irresolute,

and

of the

cause

and horse have

overseer

been

horrible tragedy

flightby the
by
besieged
overseer,
He
seems
own
parish.
is

their

evasive

returns

The

answers.

worst

bins,

exceed the

can

desperatedrunken

constables

transpired.The pass-cart
and are
tradesman,for a day'spleasure,

Nothing
all pouringtowards

they are

Intelligence.

hesitation has

lent to

returned.

The

busily

now

taken

families have

being passed to

of

Fresh

not

they are
surelysome
;

entertaining.

are

The

barn

Stewart, the

office of Mr.

the

desirous

fears

flammable
in-

arrived
suspiciousgentility

later account.

Several

increases.

alarm

waggon,

of the most

!
preparation

is in

The

us

the

of the paupers
indignation
headed by Timothy Gubpoor-house,

character,but

idol of the Workhouse.

the

before this formidable

body.
retiring
Town-hall
at
the
:
postedup

are

notice is said to be

The
"

lowing
fol-

Stick No

Bills."
Eleven o'clock.
The

proceededto outrage ^the poor poor-househas not a

of glassin its whole
frame ! The Magistrates,
with Mr.
pane
call
have
their
to
the
out
at
head,
Higginbottom
agreed
military
;
have

mob

"

whole

and

he has sent word

that he will

as

come

soon

as

he has put

his

on

uniform.

crowd

had

the

see

fightat

just run

down

the

There

the Green

High street,

immense
an
Dragon.
in the Market-Place.
of the leadingshopkeepershave
Some
conference with the Mayor, and the people are
formed
now
beinginby a placardof the result. Gracious heaven ! how opposite

is it to
He

of little boys has

terrificcolumn

it is said to

hopes

is at the Roes

of all moderate

and Crown

But

"

""'

men

"

The

Mare

is

is Hobstinate

Twelve
Tlie

arrived,and

"

refuses to treat."

clock.

placed under his o^n command.

in
the market-place,
He
himself
and is now
has marched
a body to
drawn up one deep in front of the Pound.
The mob
in possession
are
of the walls,and have chalked upon them the following
:
proclamation
"

has
military

Stokian

squibs!

Pogians be

firm!

is

stick

up

for bonfires!

stand

to

your

"

Quarter past Twelve.

Mr.

side of

"Wigsby,the
Liberty,and

to return

Master

in fifteenminutes

Free

of the

has obtained
for his

an

School,has

audience

of the

Worship'sdecision.
r2

declared

Mayor.

on

He

the
is

THE

PARISH

REVOLUTION.

Twehe.

Half past
During the interval,the
and

When

is awful

They

was

truncheon
The

on

tion
exaspera-

people.
#

justobtained

constables have

and
chargealtogether,
the

pointed to

their worsest."

mob

"

the

refuses to fire on

The

may

of the

cries are uttered, Huzza for Guys !

frightful
The
and no
has been
Higginbottom!"
military
but
his
lock
is
not
flinty
streets,
enough,and his

ordered to clear the

"

he

do

specialconstables,

excitement

the most

"

for ever!

Gubbins

"

answered,

table,and

in two

sworn

the

nothing.
him by Mr. Wigsby,

representedto

gun

Mayor

concede

will

has

almost

been

have

slightadvantage,
they made
On

upset a Guy.

the left-hand

less successful; Mr.

side of

beadle
they
Huggins
of an
attempted to take possession
important street post, but was
with
cracker.
At
Mr. Blogg
the same
a
moment
repulsedby a boy
the churchwarden, was
defeated in a desperateattempt to force a
way

passage

up

the

court.

One
The

military
always dines

Puncheon.

is

There

at one,

and

has retreated to the

report that the head

o'clock.

constable

Pig and

is taken

with

all his staff.

Two
A

watchman
flying
all

on

points,and

constable.
that

Gubbins

in

Dobbs

That

the whole

have

been

the

same

has

us

that the

been

o'clock.
rious
victo-

policeare

confirmed

by

ing
retreat-

states

is full
"

the

and

He

the Pound

just informed

has

in

stocks,

the
mob

cage.
would

routed,but for
corpulentman, who

very

rallied them

on

running

away.

Half-pastThree.
The
the
been

The

check

mob,
a

sustained

proves

to

by

have

stables
reverse, the conthe
suff^erers.
are

cage

is

faggots, we
pound, and

chopped

to

hav'nt

the stocks

are

Mr. Wigsrapidly
falling.
by
has gone again to the
Mayor with
overtures
,

the

people demand

the

release of Dobbs

and Gubbins,
and the demolition of
the stocks,
the pound, and the

GOOD

ENTERTAINMENT

cage. As these are

FOR

MAN

AND

HORSE.

and
alreadydestroyed,

PARISH

THE

Gubblns
moderate

and

Dobbs

men,

that his

large,it

at

are

09

REVOLUTION.

is

confideutlyhoped by

"Worshipwill accede

all

to the terms.

Four

o'clock.

affirmed
the terms.
It is confidently
that
rejected
ordered
has
he
a
nd
off
set
after this decision,
a
post-chaise,
secretly
with a pairof post horses as fast as they can't gallop. A meetingof
has taken place,and
tradesmen
the butcher, the baker,
the principal
and the publican,have agreedto comthe grocer, the cheesemonger,
pose
has

Mayor

The

Provisional

in their

In the

Government.

joy, they are

"

and
and devils,in all directions,
We

documents,

subjointwo

the Provisional
narrative of

the mob

loud

are

crackers, and

rockets,

completelyrestored.

the articlesdrawn up by
containing
Wigsby ; the other,the genuine

one

Mr.

spectator.

Dear
The

"

quietis

and

Government

time

mean

squibs and

lettingoff

Charles,
of the last few

events

hours,since I closed

my

minute

narration,

fate ; and no words that I can

utter on
paper will
hour
I closed
of
to
the
which
at
idea
their interest. Up

pregnant with

are

giveyou

an

of every watchful bosom

the movement
sheet,anxietyregulated
;
have
with
barriers
met
since then, the approaches to tranquillity
and interruptions.To the meditative mind, these popular paroxysms
deductions.
have their desolating
Oh, my Charles, I myself am almost

my
but

sunk

into

in which

Agitator so

an

"

do

much

reasoningfaculties

our

take

we

steeped.

are

press of circumstances
the Atlantic of
Pacific is gleamingover

Charles

enabled,by the kindness

the Preliminaries,
which

stop the press

to send

the Olive Tree

pretty well

you
and

at

once

the Articles to Edward.

Show

"

that

see

they are

indeed

He

will,with

am

Copy of
only wait

descend

on

J. P.

H.

P.S.

yes,
of the

and

dye

"

dawn

are
agreed upon,
That peace may
I close my letter in haste.
of Stoke Pogis,is the earnest prayer of,"c.

to be ratified.

the

from

disturbances

our

Adams,

of Constable

colour

to say, that

stop the

"

the

his benevolence,

articles for Stoke

precious

Pogis.

CONDITIONS.

1. That

thirds,and Novembers
2. That

their

allowed,but

shall be

held

and
inviolable,

their

all bonfires shall be

burnt

by

tho

hangman.

4. That
5. That

every
the

in
Hengler,

no

be allowed

Pogisshall

their fifths.

property of Guys

the

persons respected.
be
3. That no arson
common

in Stoke

for the future, widows

6. That

the

7- That

the

nonsense.

rocket
freedom

shall be allowed
of

Stoke

an

hour

Pogis be

to leave the

place

presented to

Madame

cartridge-box.
militaryshall not
parishbeadle,for

be called out, uncalled for.

be authorized
the time being,

to stand

70

Majesty'smail

hia

8. That

REVOLUTION.

FARISU

THE

to
pennitted

be

pass

question.
raked

never

AN

The

Back-winder

"Wat is before

seed every
Pears to Mrs.

High

Constable

Think

proceedout
Humphris.

Tim
at my
is Throne
into a

Dram,

hole Parrish

reeched Stock

has

Revelations

The

me.

expense.

i WiGSBY.

who

Fore

Littel did I

Humphris !

Mrs.

up

ANTI-CLIMAX.

Narrowtiv of a High Whitness

of a

nightin

up.

Wagstaff,

{Signed)

"

t"

the Farish

oblivion,at

9. Tiiat aU animosities be buried in

10. That the ashes of old bonfires be

the

on

Poggis
"

and

the

of

Life, to

see

pannikin ! The
people is riz aginthe

Kings rain,and all the Pours that be. All this Blessed Mourning Mrs.
at the tiptopof the Hows
abscondingly
Griggsand Me as bean siting
lockd
We
have
lowness.
selves in the back Attical
for
too
our
crying
Rome, and nothingcan come
Hanksiety. Some say it is
up to our
Plot
Frentch
like the
the Dutch
arter
sum
thing moor
say sum
"

Patten

Well, I
Our

the

is on
never

and
car-pit,

did like them

"Winder

overlooks

Higgins jutts out

liubbub.

There

"

Tlio Mare

Hows.

winders.

"

his shews

Poor
!

Man

is

so

Brown

all the

Behind.

is a lowd

if

shall Be

we

hoUand

brum

flored like Brussels.

gals!

What

prospectus!

round
speechifying

"

the

All

Gabble

the Populousfrom one of

arranging
! for all his fine gooldCheer, who
"

Mister

High Street,xcept jest ware

riotism
end
his

own

wood

and

of the

long
Sit in

THE

I hobservc
and

Tuder*

Mr.

has

only left one

and

his

They

men

Custardise
There

Noboddy.
boddis
bers

Gyes,

or

Shuters,with

Trowsirs.

It makes

Hone

nevvies.

With

sich Broils

into.

Wile

and

Mrs.

Griggs is

think, Mrs.

H.

and

as

Reed

explodedSquibsgone
tremble

Me

like Axle

trees,for

our

Winder

the open

what

nose

one

off in his

they slipedout.
Scraps they may git

state

of

as
Singularity

Loan

to

and

Convexity,the

our

We

shold here

Botcher

meself.

such

Onely
Heifer-

of the
has

state

Bean.

not

Nothing if Mister

of

Higgins

wicked

Riot

Ax, and

Clark

Schollard !

is

no

Isn't that

Herring!

0
It

of

Nayon

reffiised to

as

Town

bad

vated
Capti-

unsensible

up Fore
he
news

That

the

the

Sam

! to had

Storys. Wliat
Wigsby

Three

on
Wiming looken Down
Babe
the
unbiggotted
Hignorantas

handn't hollowed

brakes !

accidence.

Cheers,but weather
GoUop too, is jest gon By

Street who

the

the Backer

as

moor

in

of two

Husbandry

No

to

yet hav

as

Three

at

ware

He
loyalnesswith.
them
Suppurate.

make

is gon off with his muskitry to militate agin the

in his Cartrich Box.
Sand
Witches
I fear without
anny

mobb

our

G. and

we

in the

Mobb,

the

J.

Mister

vescence,

end

Bunch

Mrs.

his
to

RingledersBut

over

of his Ants

shew

Heds

the

no

in

his rummatiz
Constable, considdering

the way
on
Master
is dubbious.

Carrion

are

is

hactiv

uncommon

mobbs

stavingthe

tryingto

are

Hed

disaffected to

Harm

air

71

REVOLUTION,

bauld

Waggstaff the

is Mister

so

PARISH

Mrs.

Hurophris !
is unpossibleto throe
hies

ones

from

of Stock

other,

End

one

Poggis

the

to

without

grate

Pane.

is seed

Nothing
asking for
Huzbinds
nothing is

but

Wivs

"

heard but childerin looking

for

Farthers.

Hatband
tacker
and

as

the

bean squibed
jist

for
obligated

to inter his

and

says

Servis.
Concussion
a

Pore
now

on

Mr.

Higginsblames

nose

wood

!
hav

For

Part

my

NEWS.

the unflexable Stubbleness

litteltimelyConcussion

Haven
Hearth

THE

BREAKING

safeness

Hows.

own

of the Mare

by

Mr.

Under-

wood
I

ventive
have been of Pre-

dont

believe

preventedthe Regolaterbein

all the
scarified

unshatter

that it could
or
agin the Rockit
witch is
rix of Haze
Welshis
Wider
Gollop,or squentch
The inginsas been,
Flamming and smocking in two volumes.

Squib

and

runnin

"

Master

but could not

Play

for want

of

Pips witch

is too

often

the

Case

with

T2

affares

inginuity. Wile

Parrish
Haven

I have

Twelve

to

tired in the

his

was

onely thro leavingHis

Griggshas

Mr.

Pore

J. is

Being
He

over.

bean

as

been

as

to here

Shopmun

goinghe dont
Cotchd

can

all his Stock

"

They

over.

nothing

say
the

save

All

him

cover

Fire

aggeration.
grate ex-

of his

garden

hav

he

sent

the

out

Manny

so

Def

Crackers

has
Fishmongerers

compleatlyGuttid.

hopped

bastic
bom-

and the old Cro's nest

We

he says their is
the
to Belive, but

-but it is

of

Severil Shells of

and

report

is lickwise in Hashes,

Dore
to

witch

no

with

and

he

wat

legsfrom
StandingArmy,
his hone saving

state

Bone

Yard

pickedup in his Back

rite thro by a Rockit.
Perpetrated

nater

his

on

says

in

In after his Wif

cum

a
says the Boys hav maid
it
out.
Pales
cant
Pales upon
pat

and

Posturs,thank

retrenchments.

He

fence

back

cum

with

extrearas

all
Uniformity spatterdashed

and

this friteful

in

are

Mr.

gratecomfit.

one

won

RETOLUTION.

PARISH

THE

The
has

Brazers

next
enuf

assurance

"

can

Dwellins

journing.
ad-

O Mrs. H. how

greatful
ought J
bee that

and

hone

our

Premiss

propperty is

and

The

nothing!
the lit on

The

Magnum

to
of

Turrit of St.

Bonum

clear and

is

it is

quit
tell

can

you

Time

Clock

next
effex

Bildingsis mar-

vulous.

wat

I to

by

the

planelyonly

verry
!

it stands
The
Drive
Too
is

noise

is

won

deleterious !

enuf

to

Conestabbles
Specious
pcrsewing littel Tid-

mash

and

down
Sho

the Hi

Street

grate fermness,

but I trembel

for the Pelisse.

Pepledropsin

THE

with

New
News
every Momentum.
Criar is missin. Mrs.
Griggsis
is throwd ofi' a spirituous
Cob

hope it wants
Blasted
and

by

may

cobbobboration.
sum

supose

blowd
how

Gun
these

EAOLE

ASSURANCE.

Sum

say All is Lost" and the town

quiteretched at herein five littelBoys

among

the

Another
Powder.

Catherend

Yuth
You

flying
rummers

But* I

Weals.

its sed has had

Mrs.

H.

Upsetts a

are

Patrimonial,
Sperrits.

Mothers

0 Mrs. Humphris how I

the
envy you that is not tossing
on
bellows of these Flatulent Times, but
under a Mild

living

Govinmcnt

May
in I

in

such

Sequestrated
spots

as

Lonnon

and

go thro such Transubstantiationas I have

that
stood for Sentries as bean
Things
removed
in

you

his hies

ragging
Dispotic

Padington.
riting

never

bean
a

Minuet"

74
Come

"

*'

FURLOUGH.

THE

down

Come

wid

down

to

now

"

your

It's honour, mother,"

"

clenched
*'

Thady,

down

"

The

ye !"

wid

and

down

come

reply of

soldier

the

stiffer posture

the

last ; and

on

was

answer

with

along
impatient

come

promptly
body of the

more

!" and

and

"

the

"

the coach.

down, ye fool of the world

come
of the present appeal was
more
tone

than

peremptory

short
a

woman

flogye they will,

down, Thady, darlin !"

giv ye.

took

set teeth he

and

hands

old

it's

Come

the

was

the

was

Sure

mother.

ould

stripthe fleslioff the bones

and

^the speaker

Thady,^'

ye,

It's honour, brother

sternlypronounced:
the roof.
erect than
ever
on
rigidly
speaker rose more
it'sme, your own
down
! sure
Kathleen, that bids
O Thady, come
Come
down, or ye'U break the heart of me, Thady, jewel ; come
ye.
her hands
she said it,and
cast
The
as
then !
down
poor girlwrung
"

and

the

"

*"

countenance.

the

that

had

There

was

upward,

look

resolution

same

visible effect

"

entreaties burst

the renewed

it

conveyed

before.

as

self
and, as if to defend himin front,while
steadfastly

bright,Kathleen !
glance,he fixed his look

another

from

soldier's

of the

muscles

in his tone, but

tenderness

more

It's honour, honour

"

the

on

in chorus, with

all three

from

the

same

answer.

down, Thady, honey!

Come

"

Thady,

down

come

Kathleen

own

"

It's

!
"

Honour

brother !

honour,

"

bright,my

!"

"Althoughthe

fellow

poor

private,this appealwas so public,

of
and inquireinto the particulars

was

go down
It appeared that he had

that I did not

hesitate to

the distress.
his

down!

fool,come

ye

!"

to me

It's honour, mother

"

Thady,

"

been home,

having exceeded

and

he

Furlough,to

on

visit

thought the term

of his leave,
as
family,
the
his
and
to
to
was
penalty of his
going rejoin regiment,
undergo
neglect. I asked him when the Furlough expired.
"

he

Tlie first of

"

March, your honour

world, and here it is,come

days in the
"

The

first of

The

and

soldier

sartin of that
ould

yerc

afther

February

my
will

like

good fellow,you

have

same

"

base

the

first impulse was

all

Mother
of

cratur

family of

to cut

"

by

May

ye

"

the

book,

Divil

to

be

You're
wid

fly away
deceaven

us

one,

caper

the

on

His

the

roof of

the

coach, and

to throw
second, was
third,was to wring my

acknowledgment.
"

happy

your

"

"

It's a

to

It is

"

Oh, Mother,

"

"

has

"

day

"

was

Almanack

off in

shot

be here till to-morrow.

his cap, with a loud Hurrali !

up
himself into the arms
of his Kathleen, and
"

on

black

all the

me

not

throw

hand

it of

to

twenty-ninedays."
thunder-struck.
Twenty-nine days is it ?

livingso long in

His

why,

"

the first of March

"

Leap Year,

March

luck

sudden

"

then,

spare

bad

"

man

Honour's
live

am,

manes.

long hundred

your

Honour,

Long

"

"

and

for my

life to your

word's

Honour

lapc-years
every

one

saved, and

for the

of them

same

"

To

SINGLE

BLES8EDNKS8.

NUMBER
VERSIFIED

THE

FROM

It''8very hard ! and so it is,

live in such a row,
And
witness this that every Miss
But me, has got a Beau.
For Love goes calling
up and down,
But here he seems
to shun
;
Fni sure
he has been asked enough
To call at Number
One !
"

To

"

ONE.
PROSE

"

"

"

It's

And

very hard
not

to

they come

Number

One

Miss Bell I hear has got

Exactlyto

so

near

LADY.

plentyin
plentypassingby,

And

the street,

"

There's nice

voung

Number

at

men

Ten,

only rather shy ;"

But
And

Mrs.

Has

got

Smith

the way

across

son.

grown-up

to know

But

la ! he hardlyseems
One
There is a Number
There's Mr.

at

Nine

Number

on
pelf,
though he's piouswill
neighbouras himself.

And
His
At

Wick

he's intent

But

not

love

"

Seven

Number

goods had

The
And

YOUNG

'Tis hard with

"

I'm sick of all the double knocks

That come
Four !
to Number
At Number
I
Three, often see
A Lover at the door ;
And one
in blue, at Number
Two,
Calls dailylike a dun,

OF

Fve

here

there

quite

got my

at Number

On

hand

My

mother

was

sale"

run

singlelot
One

dear

her mind,
the window
"

at
By sitting

And

Without

And

pane
bit of blind ;"
in the balcony.

But I go
Which
she has never
done,
Yet arts that thrive at Number
Don't take at Number
One !

In her

The
Five

Have
The
That

often sits at work

talks of props and stays,

what a comfort I shall be

decliningdays :"

very

maids

about

"

the house

down a nun.
all belongto them
One !
call at Number
set

me

sweethearts

76

Mr.

Young

told

And

Long
not

me

can't he

Why
We

old ! I

not

That

went

I'm

sure

brown

As

as

any

bun

It's very

Eight:

To
To

"

take

Bond

She

than

about

Swimming

pond,

beside

their

thers
mo-

water
thingslike living
lilies.
yellowas the ddSo-dillies.

Ifs very hard,**

she used to moan,
*"
That
other people have
their

ducklings
To

grace

Have
For

never

!
down

why

Went

"

"

mine

Yet
No

all

downy"

"

the house,**

ducks, their napes

were

"

had

drake, his tail

littleducks

The

was

birds

alone

navy
old

to

Davy I

had

ducks, and

Mrs. Bond

both the best of

were

thers
mo-

"

nests

luck

any pretty chucklings." The

each littleyellow
"

One

curly,
spiteof drake, and
pond,

The

iheir waters

to stun

luck about

"

Small

**

two

green

"

But

had

She
a

"

DUCKS.

others.
in
littleducklings

foolish song

Number

at

singercome

KNOCK.

DROWNING

the sights
that Mrs.
Enjoy'd yet grievedat more

Nae

"

it is

woe

your

enough

is

know,

so
row

ballad

away

tones

There

DOUBLE

aggravate my

chance,

Amongst

bow,

"

hard, and

here's

And

"

Were

Rose

with bended
gun !

live in such

And

her look

THE

her

Miss

hearts,
sake, has been

But if he had, he'd never

deign
shoot with Number
One.

flue

plainI

But even
beauty has no
One
I think,at Number

of

Imp they show

To

from Number
white satin made

they say

score

I wish he had

"

am

Cupid,for

The

in my gait
awkward
not crooked, like the bride

Nor

slain

not

Six

Number

Quite prodigalof darts.

!"
a

One

am

At
And

againwithout

always have

cannot

am

:"

the Sun

fire at Number

On

swoon

come

and

Phoenix

The

kindlyin

came

to

DUCKS.

Has

Friday afternoon,

One

the flue took fire,

onlywhen

Once

DROWNING

THE

had

eggs

"

the eggs had

"

infant
others

D.'s

came

forth

like

"

But there, alas ! the matter

stuck !
died
well
have
all
They might as

addle,
She had
Its

lake"

wave

was

pearly
"

pond
rather

As die when

mean-~

thick

than

they began to paddle!

THE

DROWNING

For when, as native instinct taughther,

The mother set her brood afloat.

They

sank

Like

They

over-loaded

any

boat

No

peccant humour

in

did;

water,

At last quiteout

She

her

gave

of heart and ducks.

sponded
pond up, and de-

gander

their lucks
than Mrs. Bond

gave

chance

better

For
No

ever

woman

web-footed too to see,

and spiders
ought to be !

were

ducks

As

longrightunder

ere

77

DUCKS.

Death

Cried

Brought havoc on her littlefolks,

a frying
pander
poaching cook
To
appetite, destroyed their
yolks,

Due

"

the water-lilies,
among
ad me " to allher dillies!

"

No

But

"

"

Beneath

They

though resolved

She brooded

"

her very eyes, Od' rot 'em !

like plummets, to the

went,

thingwas

It seem'd

acontr

strange

"

"

and

of nature

the Sun

up

adiction

did !

her works

The

For littleducks, beyond conviction.

float without the help of
Should
:

Johnson it bewildered him !

hear of ducks that could not swim.

Great
To

more.

did.
clear the matter

To

corks

no

this riddle

on

Alas ! 'twas darker than before !

At last about the summer's
middle.
What
Johnson, Mrs. Bond, or none

bottom.

The

breed

to

often

So

drank
Sirius,dog-like
thirsty
furious
his
deep,
tongue to cool.

The

shallow waters
And lo,from out

Too

hot

There

Poor Mrs. Bond ! what could she do

and
she
But change the breed

hold

to

crawl'd

sank and sank.

the wasted pool,
them any longer.

eels

some

as

big

ais

conger

"

tried divers
Which
dived as all seemed

born to do

e'er survivors
littleones
were
ing.
Like those that copy gems, I'm thinkNo

all were

given to

!
die-sinking

shorn ;
their downy coats were
vam
Batch
after
still
!"
flounder'd
They
batch

The

In such
But

when

case

went

littlefools seem'd

And

hatch'd for
!
hatchment

Whene'er
wonder

they launch

only born
nothing but
d"0

sightof

Like firesthe water

"

got them under !"

look

below

the eels

"

They
In

I wish all folks would

were

split
By Mrs. Bond, justthink
In each inside at once
A ducklingturn'd to

bit.

the surface ;
caught and

to

of ^er face.

spy

!
giblet-pie

explainedthe case,
sightat once
the
Dame
look rather silly.
Making
of
that
The tenants
Eely Place
Had found the way to Pick a dillyy
And so by under-water suction.
tion.
Had
wrought the littleducks' abducThe

78

ASSENT

AN

It

dew,

TO

on

and

I wanted

Mounting.

Sack

^but

"

redeuccd

am

to

riz,

rit in

pagisof

in the

by

minds

with

acount

by only Lords
the

cumming

my
wags
maid
our

and master

oppend an

as

abov, and

cut

Peer

remember
Me

that

I find Master

that is

as

"

"

BLANK.

MOUNT

OF

Augst,

to be

to the

SUMMUT

THE

the 1st of

was

BEAB.

TO

COLD

TOO

the

and

Anual

Comick

up

Keep

Laddies,
H

Mr

"

givingleaves.
Wile

waited

we

at Sham

considdring
only twelve
we

determind

sho

us

it snew

For

up.
"

to make

tempting.
as I guest we
livry,
The

"

but put

on

shood

land Lord

never

friz
"

was

and that

was

full weather

up,

and wite

"

first

for
agreeabil

most

blew

change my

dred nort

bin

higheredgidesto

so

dout

hav enuf of blew

had

footmun

was

to

misgiv,but

sevral tims

and
particler,

firstthingI did

the

on

and

vdtc

mounting

for fear of every

thing takin care to hav
with sand witches,and, as proved arterwards,

pocketswell cramd
my
they broke my falls very
The

and

the whether

and then

"

minds

our

Gentelmen
ourselves

longtim

then thew

Money,

was

for my

eyes, and
green vales

"

so

"

much

kind

as

I recumend
for the

hice

when
lend
no

me

my

bred

His green gaws

tap

boddy

slipd on
to go

up

dazls like winkin.

any

and
room

Snowhill
Sum

of the

ams.

blind
out
with-

gides

ASSENT

AN

wanted

be the stifer for

tired

on

"

down

cut

Glazier.

To

tions with

quitthe

givea

three

Grand

Portland

It's the

Mullets,ware

beds

our

we

the

verry litletent to

with

The
cold

understand

sed, from

drink

^but to

that

cloath

Frentch

and

"

see

we

scrag, and

to

scrag
it looked

me

was

like

with

littleor

de

de

by

we
repass'd
150
rits,
up

wal

haf

next

bout

went

to

subblime

evry

tim he

Next

of like

as

he

Nap

momin

skrambled
hands

ideal'

and

nees

UTurecomeuded.

not

is

We

self. His

wamin, and
our
pistle,

shot of

and

ekko.

shiwer

of am,

by

sum

one

Chilly

After this

not.

or

cum-

moor

littel crewit of

he mite be

No-

stupendusSno

remarkblyfine

foul

too

was

say, in the Wurld's garof Bed

was
dangerus,we riz

falingout
Knowing

comfortble

how

stird kickd
littel
Blank

; but

Won

of Summuts.

was

I laid

in Summerset

Farther,down
Sheer

sleeps
he

the Hed.

about

me

Master

as
partickly

and

long

at

and

sleepon

may

last
wus

Sacks.
we

riz

agin,by

on

mite

top, and dremt

rests,I may

than
pillers

as

witch

left behind

good wile thinkinghow

Sheer,thoghtI was up in Mount
I went

we

all Sno

"

uncredible.

Wat
was
panes.
of brandey, left behind

whoever

cummer,
our

him

to warm

the

ear

his unaccommodation,
regretted

and
verry restless,
awack

beds

it looked

but

without
plaices

cold

on

we

As
pare of stares.
of stons on
each side.

Home,

the

to

sublime

stomical

bottel

of return

way

for the
Viniger

at

xactly.

as
Shammy leeping,
for
vittles
and
pint,

pintto

their

Mullets

Colon, agen

found

we

and
before,

was,

Middy,

real

and famlies.

noise,didnt

no

the Grand

at

littleO

fortble

we

give the

realybeleave

leaves

high situations,as

dind
a

them,

There

from

jumpin a

of Winter

deal of mischef in bowses

but has it maid

We

it

is,nothingbut clean

over

muving xcept Havelaunches,

else

it's

If you

come

but

think

in

have

then

protect our

middel

makes

pensel,and

To

can

in fus-

man

of Glass.

Glazier,and

springsin the
balls

glassyou

the Pick

hear

from

pintedout

Master
"

was

Blank

twelf Cake.

Gides
to

of

Nothink

Sollitory
figgers
atop.

us

of it but

dimond

mounting.

much

so

poles
I

me

first principle

suppose

pan.

"

for

the

the Mare

"

and never
warmin
sheats of sno,
a
struck our polesaginthe rock, with
like

won

bespeak

was

Nor

our

of Mount

to

cum

with

sam

gittingover

ours

Thus

Plaice.

think maid

any

think.

has

Summut

any
puttey and

glassand

or

mare

good
figgerthe

noshun, let

correct

of that.

revers

vras

what

and
sperrits,

for ours,
slidding

fraim and

dont think of
"We

had

airysof

the

and
sliping

Arter

^9

BLANK.

"

in verry

quitellivatted to think
wood

MOUNT

bin 8 tims up to every

feat,like CaptingParis,with

our

Master

hands,

our

OP

"

sit out,

we

SUMMUT

of

the Chief Gide, who

Cuthay
in

sort

list gartersround

THE

crimptskaits, bat thoghtmy feet would

and declind bindingany think xcept
on
cramp
my
Sliev,^s. I did all this by advize of John
my
Mary

to ware

me

TO

to look

gitup

erly,having still a good

deal

maid

our

crivises and
Master

at.

in

Arter menny

crack
ours

crax

as

wanted

desend

to

to

git up,

flesh crawl
in

himself
agin,his letting

works, we

cum

and
on

crack, but
down

to the Grand

was

Plato.

80

ASSENT

AN

Master

stomicks

our

as

wing,
the

"

to

and

Sno

me

most

in

Mungers,
I

was

and

so

has

agin
book, as
to

Sham
was

till the

at

was

enuf

end

of the

to

Master

bin

as

butterfly. I ought
did not

we

down

in much

ketch
shorter

witch
slidingtelliscope,

Money,
dun, by

the

Land

Mr.

W,

Mount
But

Lord

and

is very

Master

and

roled

of

askd

bin

by

to be

cum

me

to

anny

Wen

poetry

IN

THE

ALBUM

OF

axident
cum

rit in the
"

at,

BLANC.

of

us.

to its Suramut."

MONT

be

Blank,

we

be

John

riaURINO

allways

curiousness

ice.

in

heals, as

Mount

without
the

Fish

I ment

far abov

too

names

our

but

hard
as

the

time,

and

I shall

was

it,but

the

forget all
hed

mension
it

ceed
pro-

of

it,as

in prose,

Blank
Me

to

of

all

Summut

the

to

to

gittingup

idea

Wurld

to

cuttingsteps

serve

maid

an

legs

in

distant

cum

to

abel

sucsided
a

we

cum

and

way,

ice

to the top

and

little

dissented

xcept Masters

And

hav

can

us

we

Slavery, we

body

no

Sno

axing the

ours

human

too

in

there,but

seeingone
We

Me

say

and

only

Wine

of

too

maid

me
cumming
thro
tumble
to
a
over
partickler
in
Howsumever,
object
going up.

joy

mane

to

white

moor

is

bottel

about

that

"Wat

the Gides

grate Routs

the

it ; and

at

my

abel

and

regretsmy

to do

of

Such

is there.

as

after
"

Mounting's top,

to the

them

as

direxion,
deal

In

cum.

St. Paul's

Howsumever,

After

to

was

go

high as
help saying out,

rite
not

zig zag

afore.

to

part

up

cood

feet !

200

vast

uneasy

wall,

alt, and

BLANK.

MOUNT

OF

Amphi-Theater ; and so it is, except Du-Crow

and evry thing. Hear
brekfisted, but was
we
surprizd
not
only eting a Chick in
hedges, Master
having moor
We
had littel need
to not
eat,
only etingall the rest.

called it

the Horses

and

SUMMUT

THE

TO

Jonea.

82
"

HORSE-DEALER.

half

One

18

*'

here, the other half

Columbia
placed;
near
I have gut the whole
! Sally,
Atlantic foi my waist.

Is

Oh

NO

THOUGH

BANKKUPT

HORSE-DEALER

A
Is

meaningsthan your
it
howbeit
little,
signifieth
like his colts,
He puttethhis promises
significations.

double dealer,for he dealeth

punster. When
standeth for two

adieu" a long adieu !

now,
Tve solved death's awful riddle,
I am
but
would say more,
And
doomed
"
To break ofT in the middle !

But

he

givethhis

in double

more

word

it

mouth. Truth, like the turnpike-man, writeth

turns
Trust.
Whenever
he speaketh,his spoke hath more
up No
than
He
the fore-wheel.
not white
telleth lies,
only, or black, but
likewise grey, bay, chesnut-brown,cream,
and
roan
piebaldand
in

break.

Over

his

"

skewbald.

He

in;

more

sweareth

for ho will

God''s

grace, he be
fair and unfair at

complete

advertiseth

l)air

down

road, but

is

none

He

once.

so

ways

hath

to

and

the

as

horse's

and
any man,
dam.
If,by

much

bargain. A

winters,he
that

tender of heart
*'

for,"as

he

can

be

for he selleth
imagination,
there

be

carriagethat
describeth
have

been

traces.

He

trulythe

hind

no

its firstwheels, and

on

machine-horses

fault ;

of court

about

capitalharness,of which

summers

knockcth

for

two

swear

coach, warranted

oaths out

many

somethinghonest,it is only a dapple,for he

wanting

are

twenty

of

set

as

hath

travelled
He

well-seasoned.
knocked

up

on

the

his animals,that he partethwith

sayeth, " blindness or lameness be misto

'ortunes."
crietliup,

to

go

he writeth

only for dog'smeat,

nag, proper

fit to

"

83

HORSE-DEALER.

any

"

hounds

as

or,

he calleth
String-halt

"

be,

may

down, but

would

suit

"

grandaction,"and kicking
have
the farcical disease,
he

gentleman."
the feet well up." If a mare
lifting
for a racer
because
out of Comedy," and selleth Blackbird
n.imeth her
that drink only water, he justly
Horses
ho hath a running thrush.
and
waiTanteth
to be
temperate,"*^ if dead lame, declareth them
seeingthat they can go but one.
Roaring
good in all their paces,"
in running,
he
he calleth
sound," and a steed that high bloweth
wind.
the
he
for
Another
outstrippeth
might
compareth to Eclipse,
timid
"

"

"

"

"

entered

be

at

steeplechase,for why

^he is

"

with
Thorough-pin

"

cougheth,'tis"

be

broke

for

reareth,he is

as

church.

perfectleg.""If
fractured,he is
"

above

a
"

nag
well

sixteen hands

drawn
is

cart, he

If he

saddle."

he hath

tierce in

gig or

high.'*If

him
with
is synonymous
If his knees
clever hack."

fast

as

good fencer. If he biteth,

he
shows
good courage ;
and

he

is

playfulmerely,
should play the

thoughhe

he

If

devil.

runneth

he calleth him
away,
the Gretna
Road, and
used

been
If

to carry

considereth

him

and

goer,

has

lady."

he

stumbleth,

cob

off

"

true

a
"

addeth

proprietor parteth

The

from

to go abroad."
Thus,
much
without
profession

him

of

religion,
yet

Christian-like
for he

dealeth
and

is he

of

Love,

unto

meanwhile
like

would

he knoweth

bruised

good

his

for

it before

be, the

not

Like

is blind

gazethat

REAR

He

vice.

me

"

and

"

should

from

limb

he

be

held

its back.

If it hath

againsta

chanteth

lot it is

on

the

kick

of
"

standers-by,

only a virtue,
a
nag's hoof

Poor

fellow,
"

rather to pass as a bad rider,than

charges
disrestive or over-mettlesome,which

but

his
common

bitten him

coach-wheel,
the better

all the studs in his stable.

Ball,whose

taketh

seeth

is content

evil,ho givethit

more

ADMIRAL.

blemishes, and

all

unto

token, saying only, before

that the horse

him

traction,
de-

character

brute.
he
he

love

in

not

disparage the
even

truly
practice,

in

In

character,and
short,the worse

like
praise,
to meet
G

beside,and moreover
then, constantlyreturning

crow

with

recommendeth
a

horse

that croweth
the Common

over

Lot.

may
Old

84

FALL.

THE

OF

FALL

THK

FALL

THE

"

LAWKENCE,

ST.

Down, down, down,

ten

fathoms deep."

thousand

Who

does not

that dreadful

know

"Where

eagleunto eaglescreams,

Where

down

And

upward,
While,hung with
Suddenlygivesan
on

And

many

One

"

the foam

there

Niagarafalls,

gulf,where

shines

clouds of Fear and

calls ;

vulture

vulture

in

Death

liquiddarkness

grope.

Hope

without

rainbow

Doubt, the unreturning

wave

plunge,like lifeinto the grave ;

haplessmortal there hath dived to bale or bliss ;

only one

Oh, Heav'n

to

beneath, Despair and

Fathom.

Count

"

awful

hath

! it turns

ever
me

lived to rise from

now

to ice with

that

abyss!

chill of fear extreme,

!
stream
of my
frailbark adrift on that tumultuous
In vain with desperatesinews,strungby love of life and light,

To think

urgedthat coffin,
my

On
And

"

still on

canoe,

againstthe

current's

might :

direct for doom, the river rush'd in force,

on
the stream
of Time
raced with it in its course
fearfully
"

"

towards the goal;

I dared not look the way
eyes I closed
But stillI view'd the horrid close,and dreamt it in my soul.

My

"

I saw
as throughtransparentlids,
Plainly,
And lofty
like
f
trees,
winged things,litby

the

shore,
fleeting

for

evermore

Plainly,
"

torrent's voice

The
0

with

but

agony

Ere

home

My

! and

the sullen

I heard

my

sound,

round.
gathering

it sweet

that made

those

lay beneath

the torrent

pray,

"

mist,like death-sweat

and felt the

"

life !

! 0

I could

prophet sense

no

85

ILLUMINATI.

THE

feet.

very

thought,I passedthe dizzyedge,

with
hideous
after
Bound
bound,
bruise,I dashed from ledgeto ledge,
in speechless
From
pain, from midnightdeep to deep ;
crag to crag,
stunn'd
into sleep.
1 did not die, but anguish
senses
my
How
longentranced,or whither dived, no clue I have to find :
of life came
At last the graduallight
dawning o'er my mind ;
shrill as birds*
And throughmy brain there thrill'd a cry,
a cry as
set to words :
Of vulture or of eaglekind, but this was
in
and
his
It's Edgar Huntley
nightgown,I declares !
cap
and pitch'dall down
the stairs!"
He's been a walkingin his sleep,
With

swift than

whirl,more
frightful

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

Those
Avill

have

and

"

and

the

so

ILLUMINATI.

Light, I

!:;iy,light!"

his

"

the

Othkllo.

GeoffreyCrayon,
called Little
locality

of
portfolios

graphicsketches

of

Mr

amusing portraitsof its two leadingfamilies,the

Trotters.
I imaginethe deserved popularityof the

his

made
draughtsman
or

THE

peeped into

easilyremember

Britain
Lambs

who

CATARACT

acute

him
an

and converin request at routes, soirees,

sazioni,
observer would
turnal
not have failed to notice a nocmuch

characteristic of the

same

neiphbourhood,^I
"

mean

the

frequonfc

P6

ILLUMINATI.

THE

that illuminate its firmament

of light
; but in spite
alarmingglares
of
St.
Botolph,the
which, no parishenginerumbles down the steps

and
of

that of Mr.

individual

no
certainly

and

Wix,

burned

ever

where

Chandler

Tallow

and

Wax

"

to account.

me

misfortune,of the house

It is the fortune, or

so

this remarkable

For

the tap-room of the Rose-and-Crown.

domestic habits enable
more
own

in
placidly
apathy,my

smokes

the turn-cock

chains,and

in their

fire-ladders hang undisturbed

much

to

lodge,to
his

to

front
con-

Majesty ;"
loyalty.

evince his

for an illumination.
always framingan excuse
The
kindlingaptitudeascribed to Eupyrions, and Lucifers, and
Contrary to Hoyle's rules for
Chlorate Matches, is nothingto his.

and his windows

He

loo,

keeps the birthdaysof all

and

knows

him

is sufficient with

card

singlecourt

"

are

for

horn

newsman's

into

flame.

known
He

In

"

some

once

shows

Park

by
go

guns

evening" as

sure

as

the

street, it blows

in the

exhibit

same
spark
was
such, he has been
inflammability
fire,where he should have shed water.

local

it is still a

"

the

He

blaze."

his

cases

and
ignite,

to

was

wax

is sounded

and

royal personages,

As sure
in years.
as
they
off in the morning,he fires his six pounders in the
in tins how

tallow

"

joke
"

within

an

of

ace

ai
rejoicing

Marr's Murder.
he

During the long War

For

indictable.

not

reallya nuisance,and

was

unused

not

one

givento rejoicing.Other
strangely
In civil events

them.

He

"

when
lighted

in,and

came

he

with the Roman

and

that

Gray,

he

the administration
it went

lightedwhen

content

whig

to

divided

or

his

flame
of

between

Wellington

short, it seemed,

in

"

lightup

to

tory. Like the

of the Duke

out,

was

skirmishes.
slightest

the

favourable

the same, whether

lover of BeSsy Bell and Mary

he

meltingmood,

people were

he commemorated

but
greatvictories,

for the

to the

is worse,

what

that candle-burning
was
Catholics,
he had got his religion
itself from

of his

part
an

as

ligion,
re-

illuminated

missal.
To

Mr. Sperm, the great oil merchant,

aggravate this propensity,
lives nearlyoppositeto Mr. Wix, and his principleand his interest
coincide exactlywith those of his neighbour. Mr. Sperm possesses a

largestar, and, like

very

often

he

as

He

can.

chandler,and

will

there be but

the Genius

bells,and

of the

In

oil and

great
On
Lord

other

L. calls a

the

assume

bright to
"

tallow

occasions

"

known

our

always

Bill of Panes

and

motley appearance

of

as

the

as

Mr.

to

be

for
rejoicings
"

I have

that
seen

Sperm

goods

of

to follow the

choose

Penalties
a

and

very
in
alone
all
blazing

instance,the

of Mrs.
say nothing

Wix

gettingrid

illuminations

establishments
for

short,Mr.

merchant-man

"

I have

creed
political
"

Lamp.
same
thing a
lighters.

"

forward

the

As the other inhabitants do not

of these two

bringsit

occasions, for instance,let

lightest
vokes
of the Ring directlyinGenius

the

on

the

of

means

lightup

peal of

both resemble

by

he
certain managers,
is quite as lax in his

"

example

select"

their
Bill

glory.
which

our

dark
chessboard, alternately

where
Frampton'slodging-house,

the

streiet

and
every

THE

tenant

of

was

different sentiment,

example
striking
Among generalilluminations,I
accession

the

on

and

"

his

of

remember

none

more

than

so

the

Majesty but what so universally

might be expected to lightthe Little

late

Britain

Great

brightenedthe

the several floors afforded

Obscure.

of the Clare

one

C?

ILLDMINATI.

"

unrivalled exhibition of its kind, and I proan

reality
pose
of it,the situation of
account
therefore to givesome
apartment
my
havingafforded unusual opportunitiesfor it is at the angleof a corner
It

one.

in

was

"

house

thus while

and

"

family,its
elderlyspinsterMiss

northern

Rumbold

It must

have

it

courtesy, for

cups, so
another
division

might

have

supper,

had

and

of

of

the

into the sashes of that

loyaltythat put
she

but

resolved

such
for

in

her

"

held
by courtesy, for they never
tall jellyglasses,
equallyunknown
she

for

meant

with

them

custard

oil from

little tin can,

wick.
floating

and

"

jellies.I
light
very

to

give

to

once

all with

her fillthem

seen

thought

once

largedining-tableso called by
reviewinga regimentof glasscustard

"

she furnished

afterwards

her at

see

dined

thought that
I not

W.,

of Miss

never

called also

fit of

extreme

an

I could

life to illuminate.

squintaside

ones

into those

stare

Winter.

been

penuriousmind

into the

easterlywindows

its

They

were

tall and
alternately

short ; and after

"me,
ranged on the window-^
her
the
of
which, hy
neckerchief,she
heaving
costlypreparation,
r arms
demurely before her, and, by
visiblysighedover, she folded
rush taper,sat down
the lightof her solitary
to await the extravagant
call of
!"
Light up
then

this

'

"

Rumbold

elder Miss

The

idle in the

did not

see

"

family branches, began

in

to

see

teeth

and

for distress of

indeed

what

hung
hand
want

down

and

all the
and

"

her

up

her

hands

but

she

ters
quar-

Henry

such

no

and

forth

luck

sneaked

than

Rumbold

their

same

After

the

two

At

own.

comprehended
then

the

then
eyes,
all
tho pan; going through
tomime
had
and
time for grieving,
no
arms,

her

beginningto glitter.
rejoicing.Mr. "Wix's was
his ladder, she furnished
stairs like a lamplighter
on
returned
then
the
and
to
windows,
drawing-room;

little for

but

Tearingup

then
mind

Miss

and

candles, to do the

illuminations

them

threw

first,she

calamity:

Caroline

(I

"

rid of the

fixed her head

saw

But

below.

better

behind

door

of the

her

gently opened,

door

wlile, the street

deserters,of course

clenched

and

floors above

ofilce for the

full

whence

having got

had

separate parcelsof tins and

detached,with

the slam

She

on

drawing-room,from

the

and then,

any supper)
the tin ones.

have

them

not

"

She

time.

mean

of town
out
the parents were
was
packed all the littleR.'s off to bed

"

was

blank

evidentlyher

favourite

fancy, she

artificial flowers

of
festoons
up two
fell short a whole
foot
of the very

bouquet

garlands,she

rushed

her in the story above,

of the

third

full speed,and

rapidlyunpaperingher

had

completed

alas ! her

window

in Caroline's bonnet.
out

but

"

curls,and

on

afraid for

am

Removing
the next

stock

and

the unfortunate

moment

making

saw

her-

ILLUMINATI.

THE

allowed,to

time

self as fit as

sit in

drawing-room,by

in the

state

the

lightof twenty-sevenlong sixes.

violent
uproar
tention
atrecalled my

A
now

Number

to

mob

the

29,

where

had

begun to call out

to

Lights.

her Northern
W.

Miss

for

Winter

Miss

her

at

was

post,and rushed with

rush

her

demand

the

with

comply

to

but

of

nervousness

twitter

sudden

aggravating
old

her

could

palsy,she

not

ing
persuadeher waveron
taper to alight

the

of

one

any

There

tons.
cot-

deed
incoquetting

deal of

wick

between

and

was

wick,but

like

In

vain

nothing
flame.

mutual

ALL

AT

SIXES

AND

SEVENS.

thin

the

lover-like candle
of grease at

last,weary
drowned

mob,

they
as

its intended, and shedding tears

kept hovering over
till at
every repulse; not a glimmer repliedto its glance,
of love and light,
it fairly
leapedout of its tin socket, and

its

alreadyof

this

twinkle

was

unwelcome

an

that

but

was

alternate

candle

respectablefront

much

uproar
and
character,

Punch.

littledreamt
bolds had

truth, they

as
more

In
of.

rushed

at

fact Miss
Awakened
from

bed

with

and

by
to the

but

volley

and

mob,
the

had

the unusual

window,

had

she

thus

in

lighted
made

however,

noise

Miss

able to present

which

merriment

Fantoccini

as

different in

was

attends
head

over

she

Rumyounger
ish
exhilarated
where,
by child-

the
light,

and the appearance

of a gala,they had got
spirits
up
Juvenile Ball, and were
dancingwith all their might
and night-gowns. In
night-caps

anxiety to

some

was

The

the boisterous

Rumbold

with

moment,

mind

of

presence

Winter's, though

resembled

illuminate
her

it to
in

the

turned

windows,

patienceof

this conclusion

rags by
could

broke

with

short notice.

at Miss

never

little Yauxhall

admirable
in her

to

Winter

catastrophe,I

with

The
jelly-glass.
torn

nothingto twinkle
this

at

Rumbold's,

upon

tall

destroyed her

left her

Shocked

in

thin texture,

that if she would, Miss

saw

of stones

every

twinkle

own

vain the unconscious

an

extempore

in

their little

Matilda

pointed

90

THE

aid her oratory,

To

by
display

own

like

like Master
^had

"

our

Mr.

of

warehouseman
"

from

The

9.

Number

Man

luckilyattracted

were

than usual

greater

Wix

the rabble

splendour

even

at

ILLUMINATI.

got

an

up

illumination of his own,

by leavinga firebrand

tallow,that

the

among

ing
the break-

caused

soon

of

out

in

tion
Insurrec-

an

and

Grease,

where

candles

hitherto

been

had

lighted

only by Retail, they

wfere

ignitedby

now

Wholesale

as

or

landlady said,

"

"

the fat

in the fire!"

was

ventured

her when
what

ask

to

all

she

my
All

was

over,

thoughtof the

and
lighting-up,

said,

"

were

very

opinion in the

oil,and

what

would

long,very

with

; but

heartily
what

sentiment,
following
Illuminations,"she

"

concur.

pretty thingsto

ought to be illuminated
be

her

she gave me
of which I most

in the prayer

FATUUS.

IGNIS

look

at, and

with

the

no

doubt

toil,and

grease, and what with

long,before we had a new

the

the

the Woodford

Of wheels, and

road

Mr.

there

King again!"

comes

noise

neat postchaise
Rounding's

Struggles
along,drawn

pairof bays.
Boys ;
Who
and anon
declare their joys.
ever
With trumpinghorns and juvenilehuzzas,
At goinghome
to spend their Christmas
days.
And changingLearning's
painsfor Pleasure's toys.
Six weeks
and down
the Woodford
elapse,
way,
A heavy coach dragssix more
souls,
heavy
But no gladurchins shout,no trumpets bray ;
With

The
And

Rev.

Mr.

Crow

makes
carriage

littleBoys walk

As six

new

by

and

six small

halt,the gate-bell
tolls,
in

as

dull and

scholars to the Deaf

and

with

mum

Dumb.

the

mob, she hoped it

SONNET.
Along

Kings

new

what

91

Life is but

"

Royal

their

in

erected

kittle cast."

Burns.

"

of the hand

and
of
efl5gy

of

the masts

when

our

unsightlychimneys

be

place.

will be taken

trident

out

it will"
but come
time is not yet come"
Navy shall be unshipped,and huge

The

The

SERVICE.

STEAM

THE

Neptune,
replacedby the
red hot poker ;
of

look

will

Jack

the Union

smoke-jack; and
Lambtons, Russels,and
mirals
Adairs,will be made Ad-

like

Black

of the

forecastle will

Newcastle,
cockpit will be
the coal-pit
; a

and

the

termed
man-of-

will

war's tender
but

called

be

the

the

be

thing
no-

Shields' collier

"

first-lieutenants will have

attend

to

lectures

the

on

steam-engine,and

shipmen
mid-

take lessons

must

climbingboys in the
the good
sweepingflues. In short,
will giveway
to
Polly put the Kettle

as

THE

art of

"

of Great
Majestic,and the Thunderer
like
the
the
burn,"
Harlequin, Dart, and

It will be well for

if

they would

song writers

our

prosper

Marine

as

JACK

old tune
"

on

Poets.

Britannia,"
Victory, the
paddle in the

Rule

the

while

to bear

"

of

"

will

Britain
the

HEARTS.

OF

Magnet

of

eye to the

Some

wary

Margate.

Gumey

sea

Fleet,
get

may

Admiralty Board, and then farewell,a longfarewell,to the

old ocean
figure-head.
imagery; marine metaphor will requirea new
of
and
the
old
a
ship to a
comparison
Flowingsheets,snowy wings,
bird,will become obsolete and out of date ! Poetical topsailswill be
at the

seat

taken
out

For

of song.

I have

Muses

not
as

doubtful
I have

and
boiler,

own

part,I

Helicon

steam.

as

well
After

double reefs will be shaken

reefs and

thingsas

thankful
sufficiently

be

cannot

of salt water

for their Marine

sea-horses

supersededby
like the
yervice,
prose.

my

sought a
writer

when

very

all such

aback, and

Library;
land-horses

as

such

or
are

or

the

canvassed
made

that
Nine

Pegasus a

horse,
sea-

equallylikelyto

consummation,

the

when

be
sea

boilingwater, it is

will depend chiefly

on
service,
the Fleet will be worthy of any thingbut plain
tried to adaptsome
of our
popular blue ballads to the
tea

whether

Dibdin

does
certainly

not

steam

quiteso

well

as

potatoe.

02
if his
ftowever,

to be in immortal

Songs are

Sea

SERVICE.

STEAM

THE

be revised and corrected in future editions thus

As

vessel

When

up

And
Tlie

And

on

the
anchor, lights

dangermeets,
log;

picksout the
up thejire^
of grog
drinks his can

Boulton

And

Though
And

seas.

knows.

better

no

patterto lubbers and swabs

and fear,and
'Bout danger,

But

breeze

the pot^

with smiles each

Weighs
Trims

it

an

Watt

and

t to

and

slates^

do you

see,
the like ;

WalVs-end

good

I have

way

giveme

littleI'llstrike.

the tempest our chimney smack

shiver each bundle of wood ;

smooth

Clear the wreck, stir thefire^

and stow
And

"

thinks hard is his lot.

Jack

Bold

sailor goes

the
ihejltie

ventures

landsman,he

But

Go

as

have to

fancy

tightto my

hoil'd throughthe salt

ever

tlieywill

Nancy,

throughthe

she smoked

My jib how
She's

in the

from the Downs

I steamed

use,

shall down

smite,

thingtight,

every

boilinggallopwe'll scud.
a

cooked

; but the

rather
or
Stevens's,
pathosdoes not seem
any

Hark,

Incledon's

Storm

the tenderer for

the boatswain

hoarsely
bawling.
By shovel,tongs,and poker,stand ;
Down
the scuttle quick be hauling,
Down
your bellows,hand, boys,hand.
Now

it freshens, blow

Now

the coal-hole go

unto

don't
Stir,boys,stir,

Up

like blazes ;

"

ashes

your

mmd

black

faces.

nimbly throw.

Ply your bellows,raise the wind, boys

See the valve is clear of
Let the

Though
Fore and
Oil the

Hands
Man

course

paddlesspin,don't mind, boys.

the weather

aft

should be

proper draft

worse.

get,

see
engines,

up, each

the

all clear ;
sack of coal get,

boiler,
cheer,lads,cheer

in

the

same

stewing.

THE

thunder's

the dreadful

Now

Peal
On

One

roaring.

clash
peal contending

on

heads fierce rain falls pouring,

our

In

93

SERVICE.

STEAM

our

wide

eyes the paddlessplash.

all around us,
water

All above

smoke-black

one

Different deaths at
Hark

! what

sky

surround

once

"

:
us

that dreadful cry.

means

The

funnel's gone ! cries ev'rytongue out

The engineer
off the deck ;
s washed

leak beneath

the coal-hole's sprung

Call all hands to clear the wreck.

out.

Quick, some
coal,some
nubbly pieces;
be
Come, my hearts, stout and bold ;
Plumb
the boiler,
speed decreases.
Four

"While o'er the

We

ship wild

for wives

Alas ! from
Alas

The

gettingcold.

feet water

hence there's

Heaven
For

there's

! to them

fire is out

The

"

we've

is

tinder-box
have

waves

children

or

mercy

only that

can

beating,

are
mourn

retreating
;

no

return.

no

burst

the bellows.

swamped below ;
on
poor fellows,
serve

us

now

94

LIFE.

REAL

OP

LAY

Devoutly do I hope that the kettle, though a great vocalist,will

the old Sea Songs of England. In the words
thus appropriate
never
old Greenwich
of an
pensioner"" Steam in and bilingdoes very well
and
the likes ;" but the craft does not look regular
for Urn Bay, and

shipshapeto
Jarvis

"

and

the eye of
who
would

who

tar

sailed with

has

rather

even

go

Duncan, Howe,

without

'port

than

have

through9k funnel.

**SorDe
a

"

'*

on

horn

are

goldenladle."
Some

with

spoon

in

mouths, and

their

with

tin

their

rings in

and

noses,

some

.-8." Silversmith.
"

Who

ruined

me

ere

born,

was

Sold every acre, grass or corn,

left the next
heir all forlorn ?
And
Grandfather.

My
Who

said riiymother

And

physickedme

Till

infancybecame

was

and
a

no

nurse.

made

me

Who

left

comfort

And

Mr.

me

in my

to my

seventh

mother

Pope, the

overseer

worse,

curse

My
A

some

with

with

silver

Goldsmith.

born

are

wooden

LIFE.

REAL

OF

LAY

Grandmother.

year,

dear,
?

My

Father.

and

it

LAY

let

Who

bones
Till all my
"
1 hen called me

LIFE.

her

buy

to

starve,

me

REAL

OF

gin.
through my skiu,

came

ugly little sin

Mother.

My
"Who

said my
took me

And
But

mother

was

home

and

made

"

Turk

meals

half my

managed

"

"

hated

He

And

others' brats the

Aunt.

made

me

post ?
Uncle.

And

Till many

laid them
bitter

endless

an

scrapes,

at

score,

door.

my

I bore ?

bang

Cousin.

My
Who

took

home

me

when

mother

Again
Black

shoes,clean

reside,
knives, run

far and

My
marred

Girls

always

used

Who
Or

hector

he

stroked

at

the

incline,
he

nine ?

was

Brother.
"

coin

bad

was

shared
gratis,
misfortune

when

Referr d

to

me

social

my

to

came

the pump

Who

ever

shared

this weary

sympathised
my joy
my
"

glass.
pass,

Alas

world,
with

Friend.

My
Througiiall

Godfather.

My
Who,

"

mine,

was

Good
head, and said
sixpence, all he had ;"

stall the

!**

Sister.

my

me

gave

But

Or

noise

"

And

But

"

My
Who

joys,

What

boys
My

over

eight,and

was

"

share in what

all,did

it

took

'Cause

to

played cried

wide

Stepmother.

stealthyurchin

my

when

And

died,

father to

with

Who

boast,

most,"

feel my

My
got in
always

shirk ?

to

earthlythings"would

of all

therefore

Who

work,

me

My
Who

?"

in

brie^

grief,

sole relief?

Myself.

lad,"

96

VALENTINE.

P.

Murphy,

These,properlyspeaking,beingesteemed

the three

THE

WEATHER.

Dear

To

Murphy,

Your

you

wants

Moreover,as
On

She

for her leash of arms,

brace of legs.

promise folks,
days a drizzle;

thinks,in

She should

improve her charms,

you

certain

of Meteoric

arms

humbly begs;

servant

She thanks
But

to

Esq., M.N.S.

case

she cannot

have

'.
.

rain,

to mizzle.

means

Some

too may
justfall due, -"..,"
lightning
woods
When
V
beginto moult ;

And

if she cannot

She'll wish

"

fork it

to make

WETHER

wisr.

out,"

holt /

action.

MEETING.

ELLAND

THE

there wanting
great deal to be said on both sides,nor were
of the cirthemselves
avail
cumstance
to
of
logic,
choppers,not to say hackers
risters,
amongst others,a brace of Irish barpossessed,
; and as we
author
who
spoke
Quaker, a dissenter to every thing,an
a

left

in stones, and one

for his discursiveness the rambler, we
find

could

who
volumes, a geologist

eloquent,surnamed
usuallywhat Bubb Doddingtonhas
It is worthy of record,however,
man

ever

was

had

of talk."
multipHcity

and

or

and

Now

debate.

subjectin

"

the
on
attempt to deliver a sentence
short clearing
a
then, perchance,
cough

to deliver

known

called

as
especially
running counter
of
ber
loquacity the sex, that no female mem-

the

opinionof

to the received

old

sermons

going to benefit by feminine taste and

fellto the ground,
invariably
delicacyof sentiment ; but the expectation
from the
and we
might as well have expectedan opinionto transpire
would

it is true, from

were

we

Salmon

of Mrs.

work

wax

that

flatter us

one

the very
tongue,and then in
at

ideas,and

so

words

few

lost her

first stitch she

task, she said,as

the

up

gave

learned,
that she did
fellows,
in hand, but that
to the matter
her
which
she meant
needle,by

needle she lost the

seekingfor her

since

she

of the

of the maturest

actuallycontemplatea

once

I have

Tussaud.

Madame

or

not

thread

being

"

her

of

woman's

work."
It would

that
therefore,

seem,

with
incompatible

sex.
Milton, indeed,makes
characteristic of perfectwomanhood,
it
To mark
accomplished Eve."
"

with

Adam,

whereas

so

as

in the

instance,whom
seldom

opens

"

to

even

lips.

evinced

as

the

in the demeanour

of

he
strongly,

more
liberally
fluencyof speech in her colloquies
with him ;
forgetall time in conversing
for
the
third
Visitor
a
Angel
party,
"

of
presence
she less bids than

her

shrinking
timidity
a
peculiar
modesty

with

generalmother

our

is altogether

in company

this silent

of the

endows

discourse

set

the innate diffidence and

"

makes

is this

Nor

an

welcome

to

overstrained

her dessert, she

"

picture:

the

same

fusion
matronly, spinsterly
reserve, having survived the Fall,and the conof Babel,and
the more
womanly of her daughters,however
or

at what

good
behind
to

up

an

to

the

Scotch

"

two-handed

curtain will stillevince

or
crack,"in a comer
hesitation,
amounting
paradisaical

the most
impediment,in addressing
a
recent
the
comparatively
period,

acknowledgedand
of the
or

call

Drama

acted

upon,

at

In fact

limited audience.
Miltonic

theory was
the female
theatre,

the

practically
racters
cha-

beingalways represented
by proxiesof

men

boys.
Even

"

in the
"

present ago,

the debut

of

an

actress,having so

many

is reckoned one of the severest ordeals

lengths
public,
that womanly modesty can
undergo. The celebrated Mrs. Siddons
described it as a
and any playterrible moment,"
fierytrial,"a
goer
to deliver in

"

"

"

who

has witnessed

the

stagewill easily
givecredit
described to
"

for its

her
very vividly
the voice that would not come,
me

"

first appearance

of

The

agonies.
on
a
sufi*erings

and the tremor

lady on
young
late Mrs.

like awful

any
once

occasion

that would

not

:"

go"

THE

distinct consciousness

of

impressionof the
of

Maww^orm

as

that I had

"

the

speech,as

the courage

to

protestthat I could
a sentence
put together
the

for

presence

swim,

to

^the

"

with

body,

the

distinct
in-

sence
ab-

not

well

utter it ; for

own,

the

of

"

head

to furnish

determined

concluded, that
^extort' the people,
calls it, out
of

I had not to

own

the head

Thank

she

heaven,"

my

mind.

the

the

99

MEETING.

to sink, and
inclining

the frame

as

ELLAND

not have
of my

saving

of

my

life!"

With

such

experienceand
impressionsof the inaptitude
of the sex
for popular orators,
my profound amazement
may
be conceived
when
on
lately
the columns
of a
over
glancing
morning journal,my eye was
arrested by the extraordinary
headingof

FIRST

In

the

where

first tumult
Parson

of my
threw

Adams

his

of

of

acuteness

seemed

commonly

nervous,

when

by
of all the
to

some

explosion of

the

the sudden

burst

of

that I did not

"

physicalone,

an

of

cry

der
mur-

complication
"

powder-mills,
neighbouring

some

intense

of

moments

silence

imaginarypeal,from

bell

were

lowed
fol-

assembly

I recall any experience

equal
unless
certain
dream
of
delirious
a
hor:forafterwards,

steeplesin England;

mental

my

on

highlycondensed

few

health .and

lock-jaw: and then

domestic
that
stunning
calamity,
into a national visitation.
a family
approachingthe first bodilyshock,

dilating
every instant from
nothingat all

once,

the numbness

In fact I recollect

except

the fire ; but

blow up, I

in weak
certain,-^being

not

with
ear-ache,

STAGE.

MorningHerald,

notion that it would

vague

consciousness of

the moral

came

than

more

ANY

iEschylus,
namely,behind

firstsensation,
indeed,was

My

"

ON

I pitchedmy
agitation,

the very next

with
instant,
snatched it out again. I am
and
spirits,

APPEARANCE

nor

can

with by four grey mares,

in the York mail !
away
I
could
considerable
before
time
muster
resolution to peruse
was
a
the tone
of which
soul
forestalled as less
speeches,
prophetic
my

beingrun
It

the

resemblingthe notes
gmdy, than those of
seem

harsh

by
If

I had

no

met

of

the

feminine

it must
anticipation,
rehearsals
previous

with

dulcimer,or piano,or hurdy-

brazen

the masculine

trumpet.

be remembered
for such

paragraphhintingthat
H

And

should this

that I had been

burst of

female

certain females

pared
pre-

oratory.
had been

MEETING.

ELLAND

THE

"()()

hauntingthe sea-beach,
say of
rough weather, mysteriously
if
on
as
speakingterms
Scarboroughfor instance,and gesticulating,
classical reminiscences
might have recalled the
with the billows,my
braced himself againstthe murmurs
system by which Demosthenes
of a popular assembly and I might have comprehended
and roarings

observed in

"

that the hoarse

there

no

was

resorted to

were

waves

warning ;

such

and

oratorical hreakers-in.

as

consequentlythe

But

report came

upon

semjTstress's
somethingastoundingin
a
high pressure
the bare idea of a female voice,so commonly requiring
in
in
it
to
volunteering public
privatecircles,
to induce
sing
in
is apt to excite
maiden
a
man
A
even
!
speech
to
assembly spout
and
a
rough and tough old
;
many
a
maidenly fever of nervousness
all the

with

me

a
pieceof stout
si)litting

would

sea-commander,who
has been

and

suddenness
startling
calico.

There

have

returned

crash

of

was

broadside

ing,
flinch-

without

admiral of the blue,

into an
physiognomically
found a bung in his speaking-trumpet,
on

converted

has

white, and red, and

The very subject,

so
steeped
having to replyto a volleyof thanks.
the
of
and wants
woes
in party spirit,for alas ! it is undeniable that
in
^the
so
a party question
steeped
the poor have become
very subject
"

"

always
party spirit,

unrectified

raw

above
distilled particularly
In short I concluded

lips.
forward,without
boards, as

and

Snells

Mary

and navy.

army

extracts

will

proof,seemed
that
prima facie,

publicorator, and

serve

"

at the

present time

unfit for
peculiarly
a

rehearsal all alongshore, or

old writer calls

some

and
article,

on

mankind

on
practise

Talbots, that
far I

have

heretofore

in these
justified

come

provincial

needs be what
to the

"

Ann

womanly

could

who

must
political
topics,
and akin
woman,"

How

was

female

Hannah

enlisted in

forebodings
a

our

few

to show.

Feamley havingbeen voted into the chair,opened the

meetingby exhortingthe females present to take the
hands^ and not to relyon
question
of this hill into their own
of a repeal
the Home
the exertions of others, least of all on
of Commons^ but at
to assert the dignityand
equalityof the sex^ and as the chief
once
of the realm was
a female, to approach her respectfully^
now
magistrate
be
her
b
efore
and lay their grievances
; and, should their application
to resist the enforcement
them
she would then call upon
unsuccessful,
of this cruel law, even
the death
unto
(loudcheers). Mrs. Grasby said,
the new
law
concocted
not
was
by men, but by fiends in the shape
poor
of men
hatched and bred in the bottomless pit (cheers).
; it had been
"

Mrs. Susan

business of the

"

"

She

could

wish

the authors

of this law

to be

sent

to St.

Helena,

wet
Napoleon was sent to, and remain tilltheir bodies were
dew of heaven, and their hair as long as eagles'
feathers.

oppose

that

law, and

she

called

upon

her sisters

now

where

the

with
She

would

before her

to

example (tremendouscheering).Mrs. Hanson alluded to

excited much
of the hair cutting
the personaldisfiguration
which
ofi^,
of the grogram
followed by a description
disapprobation
; this was
follow

her

"

of sholdyand paste in which

the inmates
gowns
attired." The address said, " "We approach your

of the

bastiles

Majesty,and

are

pray

ELL

THE

AND

101

MEETINCT.

that you will exercise your

who
are
those heartless men

heg leave

We

law.

and remove
from your councils
prerogative,
to
attempting placeus under this horrible
remind
is due only
your Majestythat allegiance

to

is extended
tchen protection

the

to

"

subject.
behalf

Signed

on

of the

"Susan
"

to Earl Stanhope,Mr.

had

females who

in the

founded

support the

the

to

law

poor

cheering
Grasby,

Mrs.

other

groans were
bill."

astoundingdeclaration of the wives

their

address,about

daughters,
hoping that
if such

and

"

and

it is only

another

wished, what

"

joinwith me and
Washing Company was
outcry againstwhat
who

loud

now,
meeting
merry
Benedict
Bachelor but will
or
right-thinking
Dogberry in a God prohibitit ?" When the Steam

on

be

may

with

the

managed the meeting. Three

an

local scandal ;

Chairwoman^

Chairwoman,
eloquentspeeches,and

Whigs, and all who

purposelyomitted

I have

then voted

were

Fielden, to

and

got up

then givenfor the

mothers

J.

for their

Hanson,

Mrs.

and

Thanks

the report said,

And

Meeting,

Fearnley,

first established,
there
called
facetiously

were

roundly accused of

were

was

the

loud

cock

and

shrill

Laundresses,
provinces,

invasion of woman's

shameful

mob caps,
to wear
sneeringrecommendations
and
tlie
and pattens. But if Hercules
with
go in stuff petticoats
the
distaff be but a sorry spectacle,
with
club
cuts
surelyOmphale
he-creatures
now
a better figure. The
fairly
scarcely
retort,that
may
for
manhood
out
with
to go
it is as consistent
hood
womanwashing, as
to do chairing
at a publicmeeting. If it be out of character for
in a coat and continuations to be firsting
and seconding
a fellow
linen,
in petticoats
it is equallyanomalous
for a creature
and
to be firsting
resolutions ; and for my
own
secondingpolitical
part,as a matter of
than a
taste,I would rather see a Gentleman
blowingup a copper flue,
Lady blowingup the foulness of the Poor Law.
In the mean
to apprehendthat the infection is
time,there is reason
letter on
the
last
gainingground;
post havingbroughtme the following
with

and

favoured

the

subjectfrom

many

country correspondent.

To the Editor
Honoured
I don't

of Hood's

Sir,
whether

know

of

but whether
courting,

or

or
aunt, or she-cousin,

you

be

or not,most
some

such

married,or
likelyyou
connexion

will be interested in the

particularly

like

men

By

station

to my

the

women

such

am

such

and

what's

got up
noise in the

have

to
likely
have

that

turns
worse,

the

be in the way

mother,or sister,

of the female

as
a matter
following,
of
a
myself
quietturn and

only

misfortune,as

York,

Own^ S^c.Sfc.

concerns

domestic

As

sex.
us

such

and
all,

habits.

in the farming line,but

plain familyman
I
in the county of
situated
am
out,
locally
a
great deal too nigh EUand, and where
poor laws that made
character
political
myself,and

spoutingmeetingagainthe

country.

I'm not

nothing to objectfor or againstpublic meetingsand

so
speechifyings
long as it's confined to the male kind, but with txs
as

]()2

good

most

as

nerves

that

men

for in
female elocution,

own

of

breakingout

burningsand the influenzy

through the whole country. My

I will inform

Meeting,you

EUand

The

beginswith.

the

as

the rick

kick, it will go
any other new
house has catched for one, and

or

shock

like

course

hounds, nothing since

ride to

can

such

given them

has

incendiarism

MEETING.

ELLAND

THE

you

see, was

on

the

it

symptoms

Tuesday, and

and the post,it'smy belief that my mistress was

between you and me
her mother.
Otherwise
a visit to
present,though she do say it were
the Wednesday
could put her teeth into her head on
I cannot think what
for the first

set, if it

new

correct

lay

to

namely, that they

parts

of

her

for a
spelling
speech. Agricultural
say

scarce

out

wanted

wasn't

I couldn't

when
particularly

market

by
Any

"

the like.

days,and

her

sake

of

myself,

to

For
tongue
could speak plain enough, and
of dining at the ordinaryon
she always contrived to speak

keep

to

part I have always found she

own

my

to

twenty guineasin ivory for the

I made
no
remark, except
pronouncing. However

times

most

mean

farmers than formerly,

among
than I could afford comfortablyat

goldmuch more
sayingit's more

I don't mind

and

assist her

to

not

was

distress has made

time, by which

reason

way

between.

to have had
more
mind, but ever since the meeting she seems
w
ith
mind to speak ; for instance,a long confabbing
every beggar at
the gate,instead of sendingoff as formerlywith nothingbut a flea in

her

their ear,

the

as

EUand

for

to

and

thinks
don't look oratorical,

I to

an

than

agog
about

birds,and get my

more

little fustian

more

to London

goingup

kill two

can

her

set

thingsstruck me as
errand again to
making

short,many
rest, her

the

amongst
pieceof stuff

visit seemed
notion of

In

sayingis.

and
suspicious,

new

"

in

before,so

pint of fact,that
as

to start

new

Betsy'simpediment, and says she,

If that
time.
teeth at the same

myself,then

I don't know

does.

what

of the bag,
cat out
let's the whole
a week
Sunday was
as the saying
is,as near as may be as follow. It was just after dmner,
and only our two selves quitedomestically,
Betsy beinggone to grandand me goingto take my firstglassof wine, and so as usual,
mother''s,
last

However,

I nodded
to custom
-

to
"

my

good woman,

when

lo ! and

legs,
openinglike a hound
of
thanks, and delivery
I

was.

for it's more

been
she

she

Where

than

with

behold,up
justhit

that has

sentiments

got the knack

ever

Here's to ye Kate !' according

her
on
jumps Madam
regularly
'

was

and

so

the

scent,andbeginsa

forth,before

of it without

competent to, as

I knew

in

know

mizmaze

which, and

I'm

that I hadn't

for

knows,
I've
when
instance,

free to say, left

presence

where

Lord
practice,

drunk at our
publickly
CoursingClub, and the like.
five good minutes long afore she broke down, or
was

I don't
herself,

return

of mind

me

to

However

recollected
so

founded
dumb-

argue

the

point. However, before goingto bed, I thought best to open gently

the subject,
but as might be expected,the more
on
the
we
differed,
more
we
debated,which in course
was
wanted, till
just what Madam
at longand at last,
seeingthat I was only being practised
upon, like
I
to
off
to roost,but
Betsy'spiano, thought proper
adjournmyself

THE

ELLAND

103

MEETING.

to think she continued the

dreams,have reason
argument in her sleep.
honoured
And
Sir,what is to be done to stop such a national
now,
calamityas hangs over us like a thundercloud,unless it's put down
by the powerfulvoice of the publicpress ? Not wishingto connect
which all newspapers
less inclined to,
are
more
or
myselfwith politics,
and your periodical
beingmentioned to me by our doctor as an impartial
induced
to the libertyof this communication,to be
vehicle,am
sentiments are very strong
made use of at your discretion. My own
but more
than I can
the subject,
on
express by penmanship. We
in
north
the
about
here
a crowinghen, that seems
have a saying
quite
if
And
live
the
what
to
foolisher
cut
can
case.
stock,
a
you keep
pat
than a great gawksome hen, leavingher eggs to addle in the
figure
of the kite,to
nest, or her chicks,if so be, to the care
go a spurring
of my

the nature

from

and

about
sparring

like

the

cock of the walk

yard with
?

or

tables,
intended

and

the mistress of

tryingto crow
a house
leaving

her grown-up
to their
girls,
all over
rantingand itineranting

go
heads

or

on

to

be

nation,and

of the

the

own

the

cackling
up

on

hustings. It's my opinionnature

backward
in coming forward,let

more

at christenings,
or gossipping
or laying-in,
tea-drinkinge,
to publicspeaking. As
to state
do think there's more
and in
talkingthan doing already,

tattle at

alone

but

in waggons,
the whole sex

up,

is worse,

cares

or

hackle

So it is with

what

babes,
helpless
and lookingafter,to
country, henpeckingat the

her

her

to

totallyunaccustomed

be

some
affairs,
course

it will be

no

House

of Ladies.

money

for

the

speechesat

new

Elland

for

cure

In the
teeth

it,to match the

mean
time, I don't
or

the

prove the
I remain.Honoured

mean

to

Lords

come

with

down

Sir,

very

humble

Servant

Richard

'

AUDIENCE

of

the

impediment,and hoping that the

tion,
last dying speeches
of female elocu-

may

Your

House

FIT,

THOUGH

rKW.

to

command,

Payne

Pilgrim.

101

DISCOVERING

POEM

THE

"FROM

POLE.

THE

POLISH,

the Captainof
from
much
a
surprisedat receiving,
young lady was
At last,
sealed.
of
sheet
folded
of
the
a
nd
in
form
a Whaler, a blank
duly
a letter,
paper,
and
the
she
of
the
missive
nature
toasting-fork,
on
a
ink,
sympathetic
placed
recollecting

Some

after

moDtlis since

holdingit

to

the

fire for

From
seventy-two North
Dear Kitty,I indite ;

minute

or

latitude.

firstI'd have you understand

How
hard it is to write.

thoughtsthat

breathe

and words

not

think,

Before I wrote
these very
I had to melt my ink.
Of mutual

"

lines,

flames and lover's warmth.

not be too nice ;
The sheet that I am
writingon
Was once
a sheet of ice!
You

thawing out the following

Polar cold is sharp enough

freeze with icygloss
of the soul.
The genialcurrent
of Ross."
E'en in a " Man
The

says that letters waft a sigh

Indus to the Pole ;
wish the post
But here I really
"
Would
only post the coal*

Pope

that burn.

My Kitty,do

in

To

But

Of

two, succeeded

From

So

must

chillyis the Northern blast.

It blows me
through and through
in a note
ton of Wallsend
be a billet-doux !
Would

10"

STEP-FATHER.

**

STEP-FATHER.

Follow, follow,follow,follow.

Follow,follow,follow,me."

not what

KNOW

into the head

of my

Song.

Old

"

both together,
or
or fiend,
friend,
put such a folly
maternal
parent; but, like Hamlet^s mother, she

marriageis
seldom a favourable alteration of state ; it is like changinga sovereign
twice over ; firstinto silver,
and then into copper.
My mother s step
of this description
! My firstfather was
was
a plump,short,and rather
set her widow's

Dutch-built

cap

at the sex, and

littleperson

kind-hearted,yet

; but

withal

re-married.

the most

the slowest

merry,

goer

second

and
good-humoured,

of the human

race.

His

and
in temper, a tall bony
stem
spirit,
his
of
nether
limbs
length
; he was, to adopt
a school-boy
phrase,a Walker by name, and a walker by nature ; and
the exercise of this propensity
the
taught me painfullyto appreciate
difference between my dear firstDaddy and
Daddy-Long-legs.
my
what
is called slow and sure : which
My father Heavy-sideswas

successor

was

saturnine

remarkable
figure,

means

sure

in

for the

to be left behind.

tliat declared

how

He

had

solemn

creak

in his shoes,

his toes turned on their hinges;his

deliberately
life
minuet
de la cour.
was
a
through
My Step-father
Walker's
adverse
was
a galopadc. Considered
Foot
or
as
Soldiers,
of
before
the
had well marched
parties infantry,
one
into his position,
other would have turned his rightflank,cut off his left wing, charged
movement

]07

STEP-FATHER.

his rear, and surrounded

his whole body. They
the quickand the dead, causingbetween
alas ! literally
them
a

his centre, harassed

were,

of my
fastest and

toes

race

againstmy

toes

the

ran

farthest.

latelya good deal

has been

There

tears,and, if anything,my
of

as
speculation

to the

ownership
the
was
Step-father
my
The March
of Mind
might
March
of body could
do it ;

but I feel assured

certain poem;
a
author of the *' Devil's Walk."
practical

that

of

have kept up with him, but no

possibly
least of all,such a body as mine, naturally
heavy, and furnished with
a pairof lower
limbs,very different from those of the son of Scriblerus,
for measuringislands and continents.
made his legshis compasses
who
of my
Strain them as I would in pursuit
I seemed to take
Step-father,
those
were
hopelesscoat-flaps
by my motion ;
always in front ;
nothing"

Johnson's

like Doctor

greatShakspeare,with

littleTime

at his

heels,I

severe.
panted after him in vain. The pace, as the jockeyssay, was
of
for
he
seemed
It was
to fly; if any
a flight steps,
literally
man
gentlecould
be in two
at
like
that
man
a
was
places
bird,
once,
my
for he was
rather Fore-father,
or
Step-father,
always in front. His
that of the Colossus of Rhodes ; like Robinson
stride was
Crusoe, you
in the sand,but the other was
could discern one
foot-print
beyond
discovery.My infatuated mother was nevertheless continually
holding
him out to me
tread in his
as
an
example, and recommendingme to
his friends,
or
creditors,
steps;" I wish I had been able ! When
been
the
that
he
had
informed
have
at
door,
just stept out," how
he was
littledid they dream
that it meant
a mile off !
whenever
his pleasure,
It was
walked, that I should
my Step-father
flute
such
him
as
accompaniment
adagio is sometimes
;
accompany
He seemed to pride himself, like
heard to giveto pianoprestissimo.
in
at
some
people, constantlyhavinga poor foot-boytrotting
pompous
his heels : often did I beg to be left at home ; often,but vainly,
Good thou,
address him in the languageof old Capulet'sdomestic
of
The
me
a
save
phrase of
rocky
descriptive
piece
march-pane."
but
of
and
had
his
he
too
no
was
speed
fastnesses,"
typical
temper ;
more
Ogre, in the Seven-leagued
pity for me, than the great striding
little
for
Boots,
Hop-o'-my-Thumb.
The day of retribution at last came,
for, accordingto the clown's
of
doctrine,the whirligig time always bringsround its revenges.
My
felt
had
and
and
mother
a
died,
walking funeral,
poor
my Step-father
"

"

"

"

"

"

for her than

more

and

feet

measure

the

he

he walked

seemed

pace
cold upon

I had

measured

expected;
pace

but

of the

he

as

but
strides,
give sorrow
grievedlike a fieryhorse upon

slow

poison:

it has

in his

processionafilicted him

longedto

and

suffered most

been

legs
beyond

forbidden

was

the

fret.

affinned that

The
he

and
slow

caught

that day
from
the occasion ; but whether
he did or not,
in
he took ill,
off
went
rapidly,as he always did, a galloping
consumption,
"

In compliancewith
died,leavingme, as usual,behind him.
his last wish, he was
furnished with a walkingfuneral,
and, as decency
I
sacrihim
in
followed
truth
it was
to
the
dictated,
grave ; though

and

108

CONVEYANCING.

I
the only opportunity
ficing

in the

had

ever

before
world, of getting

him.

that,the evening of his decease,his apparition

ther
appearedto a first cousin at Penryn, and the same nightto his broI have no particular
faith in Ghosts,but this I do
at Appleby.
if
had
the Spiritto do the disthat
tance,
most
firmlybelieve,
any Body
the very Spiritof my
"Walker
in the time,it was
Step-father
1 have

been

told

FOUR

INSIDE.

CONVEYANCING.

O, London

is the placefor all

In love with loco-motion !
Stillto and fro the people
go
Like billows of the ocean
;
Machine
or man,
or
caravan,
Can

For

paying.
heavyweights,
conveying.

There's

alwayshacks

about in

packs.

Wherein
be shaken.
you mav
And
Jarvis is not always drunk,
Tho'
In

If

alwaysovertaken

racingtricks he'll never

some

you'vea

both their knees

broken winded.

are

friend at Chelsea end,

worth knowing

stages are

There

is

sort,
Although the
a

"

we

call 'em

short.

longestgoing
"

will stopat Hatchett's

some

shop.

Till you grow faint and sicky,

Perched up behind, at last to find.
Your

dinner is all dickty

!

mix.

His nags are in their last

days.
And slow to go, altho'
show
As iftheyhad

have broken

some

The

For

been broken ivell,

danger is rescinded.

And

great estates,or
bodies want

horses have

All

all be had for

When
Or

The

Long stages run from every yard ;

But if you'rewise and frugal.

they
their /"" days'

You'll
That

Then

if you like a single

horse.
This age is quitea
cab-age^
A car not quiteso small and
light
As those of our Queen Mab
age

"

Ye

go

with any Guard

the bugle,

playsupon

banks

and braes," and other lay",

ditties everlasting,
Like miners going all your way.
With boring
and with blasting.
And

never

LETTER

FROM

The

Instead of joiirnei/s,
peoplenow

May
With

upon

go

By

ofattorney

powers

with

Tho'
And

load

you

And

do the horses' work.

to

steam

may

world

has call'da stage.

a sage
all its living
lumber.

With

Gurnti/,

Malthus

Above

it may
explode.
all be wn-done !

109

SETTLER.

it always bears

swears

the proper

number.

"

The

law will transfer house or

For ever
and a day hence,

find you'regoing up to Heav'n,

Instead oi up to London/

And

For

land

lighterthings,watch, brooches,
rings.

You'll

speakof every

To

It is not

intention

my

there is stillone

But

Deserves

vehicle

To

FROM

LETTER

IN

Mart/,

Dear

taking

amung
ment

wan

conveyance

VAN

DEMON

No.

45 Mount

wen

I advertisd

nose

LAND.

SETTLER

DIEMEN's

leaves my

joinin runningafter 1

FOR

LIFE

LAND.

Street Grosvenor

Square.

Mary

Littel did I Think

of

at

it goes, and

Away

VAN

Ta

want

never

I stop the thief ! my handkerchief

It is no sightfor laughter
"

littlemention

Ho

kind of coach,

in Yandemin's

land.

in the Tims
But

so

for annother

it his and

hear

Kangeroosesand Savidgesand other Forriners. But

in Vittles and
to Find
them
to Yung Wimmin
offering

Plaice
I

am

goverDrink

110

this

cums

he

am

givemy

the Bell rung

hope

wan

sum

Ever

Sake

own

your

cos

betty Housmad
hope
on
My

master

And

then

the

and

Say

as

never

But

accounts.

without

Frends

treeting
my
Drinking to all their fairwells. In my Flury
Key out of missis Tekaddy
forgotto take My own
it is in Good
hands but
had the thoughtAnd

and

and feller servents

wen

Pimperael Plaice

parts And I
into trubble

And

I rit to

at, so

Grant.

as

22

Number

kind love to

for Ever

to leav

Like

I did not

Kind

so

was

to

sneazed

to be

not

safe of my
Jumey to Forrin
the wine and broughtThem

Mist

SETTLER.

go
Six and sevin For

Diner

fammilys Having

but

turms

to Hand

niind and go betwixt

I

was

Seckertaryand

the Outlandish
Wen

FROM

Husbands

and

and Close

LETTER

thro my
of Sperritsmy
Loness
Lickwise
obleegedto no.
Hed
of
as
out
was
lox of Hares quitewent
My
prommist to Be giv
Next dores But
and the too Futmen
at the too
to Gorge and Willum
with lox of Her hone as I begd to
them
I hop and Trust betty pacifid
I furst see
the
dover.
O Mary wen
from
I rit Her
Be dun
wen
dover Wite clifts out of site wat with squemishnes and FelingsI all
most
repentid
givinInglandwarningAnd had douts if I was gointo

shall Be

Him

stewerd

was

xcept by Dustin

returns

no

the

But

self.

better my

kind

verry

the

for Him

ship

And

Young

Wimmin

By

way
taken

passingtim We agread to tell our

by Turns But they all turned out Alick

Histris

acount

of Testacious

wash

up

reel truths

sich

Pitch

but

JMate

chose

can

for Not

Marred

more

and

sam

in

in

Wurlds

had

the

yung

of them

sum

coverd

with
the

for Me

has

to

as

As

mean.

Truth

to say

shear

and

soon

as

their

anny

the Botes

ever

haf

was

as

Trumpits afore they left

the

too

in

pay

humbel

sum

go

so

am

tould We

our

bridle wito

and

maid

and

too
to

go

bean

I have

three offers for

ought to

My

be treetid Nun
the

there Prommissis

brakes

in

this is

Me

fistcufs about

as

Goodness

thank

Since

Wimmin

rode

to Land

Bows

apeace

duzzin

Far

Not

of

shivvryAnd then laffs in Your

Gal they lick round the Square. I
Wat
as drives the Fancy bred will no

but Eddard

nams

Biggamy

mates.

between

Evry day

hav

of

state

without

I have

them

they can

say
dont menshun

inanny

on

the

Me

Perfidus

are

there Wurds.

and Backers
as
sarsy Buchers
Pi Crust wen
its maid Lite and

as

Salers whom

left

becos

and

yew

I wunder

Minds

the

to

betwixt

unprommist by

stikingto

Wives

new

expex

face and

and

with

Wimmin
thing lick treeting

of your

All

had

we

selves

our

to

My pressentSitiation
sum

but

exampilsbefour there

famus

marry

Hands

Strenths

our

of

and

us

be verry Partickler wan

Skane
nite Settingon
a
infourmd he
I giv Him
is Anser and lucky I did for Am

but

too

For

enuff to Lissen

unprudent

wan

moor

helpin to
of

crustacious Mississis and

And

beeingFlirted

was

With

men.

Got

was

masters

much

to

was

Rops

50

of

Wurks

was

Their

his dishes.

make

I could

tho

the
agrivate

I dont
to Hand

out

us

to

Specking
say they was
Shipside. Be that as as it May or may
Verry prittysite all Wauking too and
offered to

Gownds

Respex to kernel
Complemcntid us

with
Arther
on

our

the Union
who

Hansom

Jacks

behaived

thro

Us

afore
verry

apearances

to

Gentleand

Pur-

he Wislit

litelysed
so

gallauntas

so

be

us

all round.

amung

Servents

out

And

the

is

match

govennent,who
voice and
Demons

to

by

Was

my
had

Pig

furst

Say

Long

in

my

hone

at All lick Eddard

Fancy

not

All

all

as

and

call Hon-

my
the Van
ming
cum-

Ballets
I

Abel

was

the
to

they

as

fammily

in
indulge

he is lick he is Not

wat

bred and

was

meens

me

be

Brightish

wat

to

is setteld

the

for
fortnately

intendid to tell Yew

driv the

as

Part, cumming

Piney Forty wen

bettyWill xpect Me

and

without

thingin My favers
Ring witch

as

if

salutid

Lonnon

thems

was

sed

have

Missis

on
praxtising
of
Coarse
ramsgit.
you

my

and

and

fashingable
Songs

of

Pearsonallitis about

Ship

Dicktatid

Arther

away,

Wan

of music
nolliges

sum

Salers

in howsumever

Kernel

by

wist.

at

enuff

For

cumming
off

The

theyWood

Pokes, prudence

of the

menny

get

meens

at

Canons

live

in

left there

noingthe song of the Plane Gould

Herd afore I wood recummend
never

and to

"

mite

States.

We

wen

without

aproved

to

Bring as

to

Can

chears

]11

SETTLER.

the United

agread to giv me

as

used

we

as

ners

Distinkshun.

the verry

At

askt

in

Bean

not

sich persons of
strangers and

Being

FROM

All

us

giv three

had

they

LETTER

Noboddy

else yew

No.

His picterDun
send yew
lick Him
by liimself only its no more
In spit of the Short Tim
then Chork is to Cheas.
for Lu\ to take
I wood

Roots
cant

convinst he is verry Passionet

As yet as I hav not Tride it.

am

Speek

sendingyew Brid Cake

only Figgeringin speach for

am

this Part of the

Thingsfrom

Wurld

As

coarse

ago of

too Munth

this I

of

mary
Weddin

and

Yew

favers

I say
for sich

this

mean

temper

I think

Not

must

I dont

to his

littel did
wen

look

by Way

of dis-

I meen
Wat
to say is this If so be Yung Wimmin
curridgement
prefers
better remane
Born
a state of SillyBessy they Had
ware
but
they was
rite Coartingand no
down
is concarnd This is
as far as Reol
nonsens

the Plaice for my

Munny
duzzens will jump at her
kindnes

to say

Oldfield and
Plane
Blox
Deer

Much

as

may
if the Hole

Mary

if

so

cargo

was

yew

Stringto

was

Ten

not to Wait

SalingI cant
sweat
soon

Bows

beyond the Kupid

rite Moor

at

harts to Thretten
sho wether

dropingin

borrowin

Wans

love to Them

at

wags.
and say

about

with

Faces

Out
I dont

Sikey. as

cumming

My

see

beingGone

to hurt

Yew

your

have

well

as

has

young As
scrubbin
as

to offer to Yew

up his mind
the ship is on the Pint of

Maid

has

Love

shilyshalying

as

to Yandemins

out
supertimeand falling

yew

stumblin

self I will

think

Willin

for them

true

or

Peggy
being

beingso

out

quita

reel

gitmarrid.

Your

want

I dont

vessle for He

and

make

of

theirs

Be

sin Lots wood

cum

ware

is

man

love

Wen

dont

up
nothink of Not

pressentxcept

its Cubbard

and

Fear

needent

giv yew

Next

the verry

Brown

hapiness.

say
faces Will

ago and
verry nice yung

cum

and Hester

they

disposd to

to

Yeer

brushes, theirs

provididyou

Bo

your

it will

uggly As

as

hear And

out

cum

Gusberris.

in this land

feel

you

at

Charlotte

towards
aford evry Falicity
your
the
Cotchman
Felines but since
as
annother

only to

at 48

to Hannah

tell Them

Be

has

like Cox

partickler
poor

for Yew

and

Gal

And
hav

witch

seen

Enuff

will
of

morning after
giv my Distant

the next

Frends
anny
wurld
to annother

dont

impear

112

but I often

*my Memmery
Dores.
hav

Disclose

may

yew

had

always

Deal

matterymonialProspex

of Confidens.

Susan

will

not

Not

behaved
Hone

but As

hav

yew

to hart

Him

take

to

honnerable
Perfickly

to be atacht to Yew

betty as

remane

Gale

his to be

as

"

off short

or

never

abrade

And

in lew

has

one

seen

Man

Annother

by Return
got a verry

of Him.

as

hope

was

United

A
Allegory"

moral

vehicle.

"

I had

son

wife,her nickname
called Frolic,
who

Alas ! how

often dark

Delightwas

was
was

adew.

Dictionary.

succeeds

Delight;
never

to

still:

bright!

thrown,and Frolic had

spill,
Enjoyment was upset and shattered quite.
And
Pleasure fell a spUtteron PaMs
HiUf
a

Hav

he has

frend of his

Gig-Horse,and I caUed him Pleasure,

Because on Sundays,for a littlejaunt,
He was
fast and showy, quite a treasure ;
so
Althoughhe sometimes kicked,and shied aslant.
I had a Chaise,and christen'd it Enjoyment,
With yeUow body, and the wheels of red,
Because 'twas only used for one
employment,
to
wherever
Pleasure led.
Namely,
go
a

to

Yew

trusts yew

of Postesses

SONNET.

HAD

we

Simco.

RING-DOVES.

Next

two

with the Gratest

Furst Match
beeing broke
mary my
take it 111 but I have Marrid the yung

for Yew

waited
will

And

Deer

P.S.

the

affexionat Frend

Your

a-surance

and

22

of Number

Thinks
my

SETTLER.

FROM

LETTER

114
It

illustration
glorious

was

SERIO-COMIC

that face

like the

so

in

sea

REMINISCENCE.

of the Pleasures

dead

calm

on

of

Memory,
day burst

dull

suddenly

brook

that laughs in
ripplesand radiance, like the
have
rushed
must
recollections of exquisite
fooling

into

What

behold

to

the

sun.

into

her

fancy to convert that Quakerly maiden, as by a stagemetamorphosis,

into a perfectfigureof fun ! What
grotesque fantastic shapesmust
come
crawling,dangling,dancing,prancing,
tumbling,rolling,
bling,
sliding,
striding,
ambling,shambling,scramflopping,
floundering,
her
into
and
mind's
trundling
stumbling,bundling,
eye, to so
startle her features from their propriety!What
face-makingfaces,
hard- winkbrows
ing,
with telegraphic
reeling,
goggling,
ogling,
rolling,
and
and soft-blinking
grinning,gaping,pinching,
puckering
eyes

have

"

"

mouths
out

so

grimacedat

have

must

of

! What

countenance

had

serious,
decrepidman
quiet,
Prestissimo ! before
her !

"

Sarah

our

an

her to put her

in a name

steady countenance
? Why
magic ! A
himself,and Presto !
her ! stop her ! back

is there
but to

could
engineer

had retraced her

announce
"

cry

course

up

Ease

the stream

of time to the

summer
nightsat the Lane, or the Garden, or the Midbrightwintrygallery
!
Night'sDream at the Wells. Talk of magnetizers when did
Baron Dupotet, or any of his sect,without pass or manipulation,
thus
throw a sedate orderlymaiden, into an
ecstacy, and set her looking
back
her
of
the
head
at
the
through
pantomimicalexperiencesof the

past ? Talk of
potent that the
ex-clown

Laughing Gas
mere
sightof

! when

could

throw

becgme)

was

"

the

merry convulsions ?
I have often speculated
since
ushered

"

Mr.

Grimaldi,alias

there

was

empty bottle
the

Surah's

on

Joe,"into the

facetious fluid

(forsuch,alas

"

ticklesome

so

! the

into

muscles

deportment,when, having
she returned
drawing-room,

to her kitchen.

she
spirits,

Of course, in the first flutter and frisk of her animal

broke
postponedall domestic duties ; or, at best,obliviously

the eggs into the flower-tub,

popped the
and secured the rolling-pin
in the safe.

herself into the

lump

of butter into the oven,

probablyshe dropped

More

firstchair

that offered ; and throwingher apron over

her head to shut out the daylight,
vision of the
indulgedin a lamplight
drolleries of Mother
the frolics
when
Goose, or the SleepingBeauty ;
of

Joe had

funny

cheated

her

for awhile

of the

sorrows

low

mistress,
a perfidusyoung
wages, a crustaceous
man,
place,with perhapsthe bodilypains of a recent scald,a

of servitude,
hard

and

bad

bruise,

and

tightshoes. No doubt it had been one of her wishes, born

wonder and curiosity,
in
to see the popularMotley off"the stage
"

habit

as

he lived

face without

"

and

lo !

beyond

her

had met

hope, she

his

paint,and been on speakingterms

voice,so sparingly
heard,even on the stage.

For
well
and

as

my

the

own

part, I confess

bewildered

maid

to

have

been

with

somewhat

by pantomimical

him
that

face to

lous
marvel-

unsettled

associations.

of

his

as

Slowly

visitor advanced, and with a decided stoop, I

as
seriously
my
could not forget
that I had seen the same
in with two
personage come
odd eyebrows,a pair of right-and-left
crooked
a
nose,
eyes, a wry

EPICUREAN

mouth,

two

to

it,or apparentlyany

hear

that

free and

of

forth

thick and
richly

115

SENTIMENTALIST.

centre

voice break

rare

OF

and
left legs,

two

arms,

wrong
in

bone

REMINISCENCES

smart

as

Grimaldi

the

Alas ! how

*'

The

lustre of his

The

life of

changed from him,

humour, and the soul

Farewell

of

a
a

that the

me

of whim."

was

feigneddecrepitude.His melancholy errand

no

of

short interval

his eloquent face was

gone"
and his frame was
out of work"
bowed

brighteye

and looked thrown

by

smack

total wreck.

was

out
with-

half prepared

was

like the utterance

chuckling,

whip,
waggoner's
and eatingcustard,
all at once, but
boy laughing,
talking,
the pleasantillusion,
and convinced
sufficed to dispel
or

body

easy

gravity. I

to

me

at the invitation of his staunch

Address,which

sive
pas-

down

related to

friend Miss

to indite.
a
Kelly for it did not require
request I had undertaken
He pleadedearnestly
that it might be brief,
being,he said, a bad
study,"as well as distrustful of his bodilystrength.Of his sufferings
he spokewith a sad but resigned
tone, expresseddeep regretat quitting
he delighted
a profession
in,and partlyattributed the sudden breaking
down
of his health to the superiorsize of one
particularstage which
"

"

"

of
required

him

jump

like the bittock

extra

the

at

his

end

of

additional bound,
tasked
mile, had, he thought,over-

gettingoff.

in

Scotch

That

pressed
deportment and conversation imstrength.
with the opinionthat he was
a
warmhearted
me
simple,sensible,
in
he
such
his
Memoirs
indeed
as
a
Joseph
being,
appears

His

whole

"

Adams's

after Parson
and

never

never

again. He

him

saw

heart.

own

look into Rabelais

its

hands

heartily,
parted,
humorist,and
practical

rare

huge-mouthedGargantuaand

"

their season,"without
I have

best

lost my

REMINISCENCES

EPICUREAN

My
I

Tables

it

THINK

When

my
I know

But

And

the

'Twas

at

Yes,
"

And

Or

OF

Meat

it

is,/

SENTIMENTALIST.

set it down

"

Hamlf.t.

"

Spring but not certain I am

passionbegan firstto work ;
were
we
certainly
lookingfor lamb,

was

"

"

season

was

for

over

pork.

Christmas, I think, when

for Morris

thoughtI had

so

his

in
and puddings,
plenty of links,chitterlings,
that
and
his
Grimaldi
in
pantomime
thinking
set of illustrations of that literary
extravaganza.

for
appetite

enormous

was

with

shook

We

noble

had asked

me

beheld

never

turkey and
i2

chine.

with

I met
to

Miss

dine,

such

"

face,

Chase,

116

Placed

OF

REMINISCENCES

EPICFREAN

close

side,it made

her

by

SENTIMENTALIST.

quitewild,

others

sheer envy to witness my luck ;

and
How
she blushed as I gave her some
turtle,
duck.
-tVsI afterwards offered some
With

I looked

and

alas,to
languished,

Throughthree
Gettingdeeperin
When

love

"

meats

To

sweets

and

quitelost.

was

rent-roll that told of my houses

her parentsI told my
designs

With

land,

"

With

very fine

I asked

presented
my hand.
of
pottle pines1
I

then to herseK

And

her to have

for weal

for woe.
she did not objectin the least ;

And

me

or

"

I can't tell the date

^but

"

Just in time to have

We

heart

^but my

to the trifleand

it came

cost,

my
of dishes and

courses

smil'd

went

it

to
,

we

married,I

know.

at the feast.

game

was
certainly

sea-side ;

the

For the next, the most blessed of moms,

how fondlyI gazedat my bride,

I remember

down
Sitting

But

the

season

And

So

the peas

"

grass"was remarkably dear.

guineaa quart

fond

pair,such

So united in heart
We

were

But

as
so

"

both of

longlife I

Oh

prawns.

at a

happy, like hours,all our

A

of
plateful

may mem*ry lose sightof that year,

stillhallow the time as it ought,

never

That

to a

us

days seem'd

poets have

"

haste,

drawn.

in taste.
congenial
to
partial

brawn

looked for of bliss with

then Death

to

I ne'er dreamt

my
about

bride,
that !

there's
When

as I cried,
nothingis certain in life,
my tuibot elopedwith the cat !

dearest took

My

But
But
It

the

cause

illat the turn

no

of the year.
could
nab ;
physician

1 fear,
somethingit seem'd like consimaption,
was
justafter suppingon crab.

mark's

SAINT

In vain she
Still her

in
doctor'd,

was

and her
strength

Even

salmon

For months
While
But

dosed,
pined;
appetite
relish'd the most,

it grew

her form

wasted

the

To

she left me

indulgein

the saddest of

But

when

And

sorrowful

"

THE

CITV

hats,

s'lrats !

was

REMEMBRANCKR

MARK'S

SAINT

OF

THE

thee with

un

TALE

this,he banged down

then,

their

on

crape

poured
my grief
Were
all crying I think it

Devil choke

men

flood ! and the out-of-door folks

out.

Virtue's friends in their cloaks.

I beheld

with

widower**s moan,

Oh, I felt all the power of solitude

As I ate my firstnatives alone !

said

doubt.

and thin

dying spark of existence went

oysterswere justcoming in 1

died,and

She

"The

in

d in hope and
linger

the last

As

was

deeplydeclin'd I

she

stillI

vain she

she had

She lost relish for what

117

eve.

EVE.
OLDEN

!"

"

the old-fashioned oak table ;

"

as

"

hand, in

do

TIME.

Master

size and
say the

Giles

the Yeoman

colour like
Devil

choke

ham,

on

thee with

un

The

made

Dame

fowl's liver
"

no

reply:

^the original
cause

"

she

chokingwith passionand

was

of the

dispute. A

of congenial
tastes
sung of the advantage
Kentish
but true it is,the variances of our
people,

said and

this very

coincidence

in

gusto. They

were

both

greatdeal has been

amongst married
from
couple arose
fond

of the

little

118

SAINT

sufficient to

was

managed

had

the Dame

but
in question,
cfelicacy

and this
for herself,

EVE.

MARKS

cause

without

passedover

seldom

mealtimes

high words,
language. Their

contention

some

the knives and forks clashed,so did

as
sure
did
greedyand disagreedy and when they

of the

sort,
"

beingin fact

they"

"

the morsel

secure

of very

low

very
properlyunderstood, signifies

"which

to

storm

as

equally

they picked
picka quarrel

the bone.

it to

occasions they had not

that on some
reported,
but that they had come
themselves with hard speeches,
he takingto boxing,and
she to pinching though
It

contented

even

was

scuffling"

to

"

in

amicable

less

far

is

than

manner

by

practised
of

takers

the

the

snuff.

On

were

satisfied

present
however, they
difference,
*'

with
other

each

wishing

dead with alltheir hearts

"

aspiration,

of the

lookingat

their
^for

faces,
"

made

horrible

cerity
sin-

the

of

little doubt

on

seemed

there

and

"

lignant
ma-

cS"

they

picture
BOXER

it

Now

Mark,

happened that
Saint

"

Votaries

AND

PINCHFil.

of mind.

in this frame

with

belief in those

who
peep

this

supposed

was

into the Book

days,that if

the

quarreltook placeon

Festival

that

on

of Fate.
should

person

morningof St.

it was

For

keep

the

popular

towards

watch

his

favour

to

night,
mid-

beside the

of all those of the parishwho

church,the apparitions
to be taken by Death
would be seen
before the next
were
anniversary,
The
t
he
believed most
his
like
Yeoman,
entering porch.
neighbours,
that he breathed
devoutlyin this superstitionand in the very moment
the unseemly aspiration
occurred
it
to him, that the Even
aforesaid,
at hand, when
the rite of St. Mark, he might know
was
by observing
to a certaintywhether
of those
this unchristian wish was
to be one
"

that bear fruit.

of the

out

his way

house, and in somethingof

time the Dame

mean

havingthe

like motive

her cloak and

bame

The

for

calash,and

Sexton-like

called to mind

set
spirit

quietly

forth

on

the

ceremonial

same

and

husband, she also put on

out, though by a different path, on the

with
curiosity
set

her

errand.

nightof

the Saint

was

supposed to reveal,the
glance,as the sluggishmasses
was

face.

stole

Church.

to the

In the

a littlebefore
midnighthe
Accordingly,

Thun

it fell out that

our

as
moon

dark

chill

were

driven

adventurers

the

as

throwing but

of cloud

two

and

were

mysterieshe

short

occasional

slowly across

her

quiteunconscious

SAINT

beingin

of

glimpseof moonlightshowed them

yards apart ; both,through a natural panic,

other,only a few
pale as Ghosts, and

as

wards
making eagerlyto-

the church
Much

this

for

could

they

quaking

porch.
just
vision,
help

had

they

as

wished

not

and

stopping

the spot, as if turned

on

to

pair of tombstones,

the
position

in this

and
dark

again threw
curtain

and

the

den
sud-

them,

disappeared

other.

each

will

It

over

they

from

two

be

supposed
only to

came

conclusion, each

one

St. Mark

that
conceiving

marked

the

himself.

With

had
to

119

EYE.

tilla sudden

company,

to each

both

MARK

other

this

knowledge,

comfortable
the widow

and widower

elect hied

home

again

SIGHT

SECOND

by tlie roads they came

; and as their custom
each ignorantof the
they repaired,
quarrel,

to

was

other

sit apart after

to sepaexcursion,
rate

chambers.

By

and

down

they came

to supper, instead of sulkingas aforetime,

in the best humour,
each
being secretly
together,

by, beingcalled

though mutually suspectedof

on

the

table,there

was

the worst

calf's

and

amongst

sweetbread,being

one

other

things

of those very

The Dame
ears.
togetherby
looked and longed,
but she refrained from its appropriation,
thinking
within herself that she could give up sweetbreads
for one year : and
the Farmer
made a similar reflection. After pushing the dish to and
fro several times,by a common
impulse they divided the treat ; and
until
retired
then, having supped, they
amicably to rest, whereas
The truth was,
then, they had never
gone to bed without faUingout.
in the church-yardmould,
each looked upon the other,as beingalready
dainties that

or

"

quite
On

Farmer

had

moulded

the

often set them

to their wish."

the
the morrow,
which
happened to be the Dame's birth-day,
he
and
what
the
and
firstto wake,
knew,
was
having
knowing

besides but
the late

justroused

himself out

of

dream

confirmatoryof
strictly

scrupleto salute his wife,and wish her many

happy returns of the day. The wife,who knew as much as he,very
wished him the same,
readily
having in truth but justrubbed out of
her eyes the pattern of a widow"'s bonnet,that had been submitted to
he
vigil,

did not

120
her in her

sleep.

took

doom'd

to the

dinner

She

care,

man,

EFE.

MAllKS

8AINT

however,

to

give the
he

that when
considering

fowl's liver at
was

and

dead

if she pleased,
seven
days in the week ;
gone, she could have them,
tid-bits.
to help her to many
his part,took care
and the Farmer, on
with
host
of
that
towards
each other was
an
impatient
Tlieir feeling

regardto an unwelcome
guest,showing scarcely
a

while
civility

bare

in

of his stay,
expectation
but
overloadinghim
with

when
hospitality,

made

parture.
certain of his de-

In this
went

though
addition

any

of love between

and
as

them,

selfishness

much

as

in
yet living

ever,

subservience

of

each

sometimes

not

the

to

and

comforts

found

six

some

and

months,
without

they

manner

for

on

tions
inclina-

other,
be

to

amongst

even

LET

BY-GONES

BE

BY-GONES.

sincerer affections.

couplesof

There

were

for quarrelas ever, but every

causes
many
while to quarrel
; so
letting
by-gones be bygones,

as

day it became less worth

indifferentto the present,and thoughtonly of the
they were
each other (to adopt a common
future,considering
phrase) as good
"

as

dead."
Ten

turn.

months
The

dreamt, in
saluted him

as

soon

to
years
many
included ; his own

dreamt

away, and the Farmer's birth-dayarrived in its

had passed an
uncomfortable
night,having

wore

Dame, who
truth,that

she

did

"he

day dawned,

as

The

come.

of

visions

Farmer

having been

headache

having a
malady still clung to

him

from
when

spent in silent meditation and

dinner came, althoughthe most

they could

much

not

like herself in
and

with

mourning,
him

sighwished

repaid her in kind, the sigh

of the painful
sort,for he had

wearinga
awake.

black

The

melancholyon
favourite dishes

hatband, and

whole
both
were

morning
sides,and
upon

the
was

when

the table,

The

Farmer, restinghis elbows upon the board,

with his face between
his hands, gazedwistfully
his wife, scoopon
ing
her eyes, as it were, out of their sockets,
flesh
off
her
the
stripping
in
and
cheeks,
fancy convertingher whole head into a mere
Caput
IMortuum.
The Dame, leaningback in her high arm-chair,regarded
the Yeoman
quiteas ruefully, by the same
process of imagination
liis
and
his
])icking sturdybones,
bleaching ruddy visageto the comnot

eat.

"

"

122

the

he

and

omen,

discounted
the die

St. Thomas.

by

watchM, Dame,

"

Thee

"

Ay,

Master."

**

And

thee

"

In

didst

brown

the

For

higher than

the

had

seed

thee

thanks

God,

thee

to

thee

of thee

this

Dame

throwing her

the

"

porch, then

boot

hose.

in the

while

the Farmer

Thee
I

?"

paused
"

coming

were

coming by

were

^but

the

to

the

next, he

"

"

explanation

one

for

this

lighteningbefore death,

when

lament,

she

was

phenomenon
and

checked

"

she

beginning

was

by

the

merry

was

not

myself thee seed at the Church

with
notice to quit upon
a
^but,
thy face
I
and
is
than
that
cared
to
more
a-living,

fool.
"

beest

"

Her

heart

was

too

full to

her

that she
husband, she showed
that hour, by practising
careful
a

temperate

couple in
complete

was

answer.

from

It

"

ten-month

round
And

united

too,

no

arms

offence,or

comfort

day

made

his sentiment.

the most

Gap

but

bee'st

Dame,
porch. I

from

the colourless

"

"

"

The

society"

"

"

say

of

laughter; peal after peal and each

last, accordingto the hysterical
gamut of the hyaena.

woman

the church

the

minute

thought it a delirium
to wring her hands, and
Yeoman

at

his wife

fit of uncontrollable

poor

with

wrap,

"

into

pale

derived

spirituously?"

me

see

Fairthom

church, by
Holly Hedge."

the

burst

appealedto

cast, and
hast

the

she had

his years ; and the remainder

days seemed
if
Like
criminal
cast to die,he doubted
a

numhered

had

was

pale as

as

which

oracle from
"

of late hours.

complexion
St. Martin

turned

EVE.

the

pointedout
instantly

Conscience

The

MARKS

SAINT

sufferance

the

county,

till they had

perilousanniversaryof St.

BRAK

Mark's

AND

"

of its appearance,
but it must
be
seen

Eve.

FOK-BE^n.

each

speak,but
shared

in

abstinence

they became

said,that their
other,in safety,over

123

This,

"

confess,I did

SINGLE

not

this is Solitude."

Ah

guess

make me
Would
Such unkind
need

They

not, sure,

Java

As
I'm

not

distant be

as
"

reminds

Miss

Yet every

this

me

They

"

sit stillin dishabille

now

I'm

singleman

treat me
so, if I but go
make a morning call
If they had hair in
papers once.
Bolt up the stairs they ran ;

To

Japan,

or

strange it is the charge,

in hall,

parlourand

They

now

how

me,

In

find all womenkind

women

Hoylb.

"

Byron.

"

simplemarriagevow

MAN.

and the rub."

Double, single,

"*

Well,

NOT

TM

not

"

singleman

II.

Once

VII.

of my

choice

made

they

bass

Miss

voice
share

To

stand

So

now

Romans

"

"

What
And

works

so

They

buy

to

not.

or

I read that passage

admired in Scott *?"

would

"

advice, and task'd

asked

was

then could bear

if I

But

hear

to

one

out

she doesn't care

now
a dump
For ancient pot or pan,
Her taste at once
is modernized
!
I'm not a single
man
"

My

read;

is fond of

spouse

homely life.

all that sort of thing;

I go to balls without my wife.
And

And

began.

now

fond

so

Well,

III.

Once

once

dailysoughtmy cabinet.
To study my antiques.

chanced

in every set :
declare I cannot

"

was

and of Greeks

She

sing.
And
dance on Bruin's plan ;
Me draw
me
paint! meanything!
!
I'm not a single
man

They

Bond

Mary

Of

in each duett ;
well I danced, I somehow

To

never

wear

ring :

I come.
yet each Miss to whom
As strange as Genghis Khan,
Knows
sign,I can't divine,
by some

And

"

How
I'm

they would snub,

page,"
!
not
man
a single

My pretty

"

I'm not

where

IV.

used

more

Than
I

But

My

Like

frill;

now

then

buttons

I'm not

button

never

can

singleman

on.

"

Bachelor

were

s,"

how
Thrust

But

now

To

lays
m

not

her
a

that

mama.

her own
who praises
Instead of Jane or Ann,

And

I'm

Miss

Mama,

"

"

rooms,

Solitude,

not

singleman

X.

they hated politics

me
on
by papa :
chat"
theyall leave
my

entertain

on

v.

Oh

Zimmerman

Or Hervey at his Tombs.

From head to heel,they make me feel.
Of quiteanother clan ;
Compelled to ovm, though left alone,

purses netted then

I could hope to fill.

could get

once

I will,I but intrude,

I'm left in crowded

collar then,

hemmed

Another
I had

stitch

to

singleman
IX.

Go
One

girls upon
singleman !

self.

Towne

boast
of Roman
nose

can

line.

that in scorn
turn
up
Of complimentsof mine :
that I have been
She should have seen
Will

even

partisan,
reallymarried all I
I'm not*^a
singleman '
Her

the shelf"

the toast, though she

And

sex's

could

"

124

PENSIONER.

GREENWICH

XIII.

Others

fare,

others

how

'Tis hard to see

stand,
Whilst I rejected

Is

"

Will

take my

one

no

They cannot have my

Miss Parry,that for some
A tripto Hindostan,
With

don't

me

I'm not

to mount

care

single

course,

go

But,

so

should

"

singleman
XIV.

be in
I must
A

much

"

say

I'm not

force.
not
surely,

lady'stint

"

stdr"

her eyes are like the skies.

So very blue and bright,
I must not say that she has eyes
Or if I so began,
I have my fears about my ears,

man

change,of

Some

hand ?
would

may

purest red and white

May

because

arm

hint

confess I did not

guess

simplemarriage vow,

"

Would

There may be hands I may not squeeze,

touch ?
I never
But must
Must I forbear to hand a chair

Such

make

find all women-kind

me

unkind

now

women

"

"

And

not

i have

But

I'm not

pick up a fan ?
been myselfpickedup
!
man
a single

A
Is

sort

Sea
ocean

Bear,

and

could not

I'm not

OF

2\CHELOK

dry on
do, the

land

digestproperlyunless his

singletear"
singleman !

HEAUlS.

animal, that the recedingtide

the shore.
his

PENSIONER

marine

misses

d.

I fear,a

Without,
"

GREENWICH

of stranded

has left high and

might be hash d to death,or smash

By Mr. Pickford's van,

He

of life

like a
pines for his
and
What
the
brinywashings
wettings.

does,for

element

it makes

is rolled and

him

sick

tumbled

he

cannot

like a
body
barrel-chum.
Terra firma is good enough he thinks to touch at for
wood
and water, but
is no
he swears
wind
There
nothingmore.
ashore" every day of his lifeis a dead calm, a thingabove all others
"

about

GREENWICH

detests

he

he

Walk

the

and

mast,"

boat,

whistle.

shooting
his

away
with
our

Economists

with

our

of

as

the

"

the

as

and

He

Pint.
the

"

at

subject to

will

puzzled
der
rud-

"

before

but

him

GREENWICH

of

running

an

has

arrival

at

with

of
"

of

the

advantage

of

it to be

those

prize money,
in the

Finally, try

meaning
hesitation, The
"

of

the

foreignvessels,

petitions

for the

PENSIONER.

reads

situation," recalls

him

Paradise

Royal George."

He

Value," knowing

Martial.

ing
dream-

him

set

An

carrying

"

sympathises

for

ball

sometimes

without

answer,

Creation

together.

He

of

into

Court

Sea

of

tree

enjoys retrospects.

ideas

for

of

languages, by asking
he

is

craft whose

ring,will

Aboukir.

Standard

wonders

Fleet,"

but

it reminds

and

Canvassing

station
the

to

despises a

singing birds

land

and

Battersea,"

He

prospects,

announcement
ensign.
ports open," claps him

learned

Rex,"

the

The

from

Court,

for

set

disdains

earthquake.
he

that

steady

decayed mooring

splices sea

tie at

hates
or

pigtail.

own

all sails

British

Poll

off

still and

not, for he

all

give
He

He

for hours.
'*

will

so

occasional

an

especialaversion.

stray anchor,

for

better

astern.

not

would

and

Boatswain's

he

ride

is his

scenery

it

ground being

legs ; and

is forward
Inland

like

the

cannot,

his

keep

to

would

^he

"

125

PENSIONER.

to

be

charged
dis-

Marshalsea

him

of

with

"

wrecks

even

in

Georgius
of

the

J 26

ENJOYING

BURNING

THE

"Sometimes

morning

I tritd
In

10

my

seemed

ever

go

read

with all my
"
left hand
My

LETTER.

LOVE

called

was

the

Fiery Ordeal.''

"

"

Landlord's
'Twas

threepence ready in my
twelve

last

at

my

"

right.

heart beat

Of

Postman

just upon

I seized

the

rattled

"

at the

her road
Bride

note

"

to

door !"

Flung-tothe door, and

"

and

sweet

not

of

sort

and

meet"

thing"
heart

and

"

word

about

ring!"

church,

of Lammermoor
I flew

But

with

rhyme

to

"

all that tender

dart

And

dropt the

full of love
dove

high !"
The

"

kiss'd the B in Benjamin !

And

And
'Twas

the seal

I tore

panting haste

With

long !
might !

Tales,"
And

LANDLORD

proof, by what

the

to

MY

THE

OF

put

were

OF

Eng.

Hist.

No

they

"TAILS

THK

!"

up stairs
lock'd me
in"
"

In doubt

I cast

And

stood

And

saw

Without

to

the
a

it in the

watch

love all end

Parson

flame,

the latest
and

spark"

in smoke-

Clerk

127

! it 's

I have

Hoy

"

woh

"

and

!" -Coachee

Rocket

!" hullo !" hulloo !

for the last cry

"

man's,
water-

was

vowels.

domesticmiddle-aged,
cook
at
an
plain
ordinary,

and

pulled up,

justhandsome

lookingwoman,

Proverb.

Old

"

Coachy

throughthe

Portsmouth

The

reed.

Burgomaster.

The

"

wough-hoaeiouy!"

"

all

went

easy to say read.

Co-iw;h !"
!

wo-hoay

"

"

trusted to

!~Cotch!"

vei

ROAD.

DILEMMA.

THE
R"'A

THE

ON

SKETCHES

enough for

depositedon the dickey; two trunks, three bandboxes, a bundle,

This is where
in the hind boot.
stowed
a hand-basket,were
I'm to
a
slipof
go to,"she said to the guard,putting into his hand
The
guard took the paper, looked hard at it,rightside upwards,
paper.
then upsidedowm, and then he looked at the back ; he in the
of the fabric between
his
the consistency
time seemed
to examine
mean
was

"

and

if to smell out its

and thumb
as
finger
; he approachedit to his nose
meaning; I even thoughtthat he was goingto try the sense of it by
when, by a sudden jerk,he gave the label with its direction
tasting,
to the winds, and snatching
began to play O where,
up his key-bugle
"

where," with all his breath.

defy the metaphysiciansto explainby what
conclusion that the guard could not read,but

and

I
the

of it
not
a

yet it clungto

liberal ; but

very

dunce's cap

on

his head.

read,"and I had seen

that dropped from the
form,

to

but

strangerto

in his

him

examined

if I had

as

"

ab.

"

and

me,

that

was

after

his shoulders ;
myself that he had more
on

Women
in the
and

are

it

"

entered

the

to do with

I
life of me,
literature than

naturallycommunicative

into

key-bugle.She

recitative
informed

that
dickeygossip,
been

but, for

dickey broughtup,

she

bequeathed by

was

with
him
an

deceased

the
in the

The
"

If

to be

found

every

day

course

invaluable

in the

the Blue

"

Boar.
the female

say, her
pauses

reserve,

of the

rather
or
conversation,
servant, and, as such, had
of

care

of

one

of his relatives

housekeeper,and

persuade

not

little while

duringthe

to the

Such

to

overlook

she remarked,
places,"

year."

!
prophetic
it'sPutney," said the guard,

last sentence

schoolmasters.
ideal Saracen's

could

would

guard

master

as
Putney,to exert her vigilance
pounds a year.
every thing for fifty

is not

after

militaryman

as

at

"

may
umbrella

an

Morallyspeaking,I had
Head

runs

presumptuous opiniontherefore
a
perfect
notwithstanding that he was
; it was

coach

where the clerks are

booking-offices
no
earthlyrightto clap an

all those

prejudice
sticking

he who

"

worth
good shilling*'s

run

It

morally sure

in
fancy persisted

Shakspeare says

him

formed

vehicle I travelled to
I felt as

was

"

it'sthe very

placewe're going

128

ON

SKETCHES

THE

ROAD.

get down.**
did get down, and
woman
; the young
her
and
her hand-basket,
her two trunks, three bandboxes,
bundle,
I've had a very pleasantride,"she said,
were
ranged round her.
givingthe fare with a smirk and a curtseyto the coachman, and am

through. Hold hard, Tom,

Tom
immediatelypulled up

the young

wants

woman

to

"

"

obliged,"droppinga second curtseyto the guard, for

other civilities. The boxes and thingsis quitecorrect,and won't give
further trouble,
Mr. Guard, exceptto be as good as pintout the house
stood all
The
I'm goingto."
guard thus appealedto, for a moment
his
wits
and
he
his
the
but
to
last
ing
followat
came
aid,
aghast;
gave
lesson in geography.
a'n t a short stage,
and can't go round
all right ourn
You're
doors ; but you'resafe enough at
setting
peopledown at their own
"

much

very

"

"

"

"

Putney

"

don't be

all Putney,from
you
"

almost

can

alarmed, my
the

But, Mr. Guard, I've

of

the

you

house,can't

"It's
a

just

come

over,

of it.

out
to

It's

that windmill

"

can't do

Putney before,and

it seems

can't go round with me

and
down in sightof it ?
set me
pint

If the coach

place.
stretch

in

been

never

impossiblethat's

minute, and

can't go

you

"

t'other side of the common."

see

sort
scrambling

dear

bridgewe've

the

total; this coach

sum

for outsides if

more

they was

to
"

is timed
all

Kings

to

of

England."
"

out of

see

how

it is,"
said the

patience,
preparedto

female,bridling
up,

while the

coachman,

do

quitethe reverse; " some peopleare

while some
peopleare settingbeside 'em in dickies ; but
very civil,
the
and I'llfind my own
giveme
ways."
paper again,
"
It's chucked away," said the guard,as the coach got into motion ;
"
but justask the firstman
anybody will tell you."
you meet
"

"

But

I don't know

who

or

where

to

ask

for,"screamed

the lost

after the flying

Rocket ;
woman
I can't read ; but it was
all down
in the paper as is chucked away."
A loud flourishof the bugleto the tune of *' My Lodgingis on the
Cold Ground"
the only reply: and as longas the road remained
was
"

I could
straight,
of her

see

as
baggage,
"

"

the Bewildered

forlorn

The

world

Her place

as

was

"

standingin the
to Milton,
Eve, when, according
all before

Maid

her,where

to

choose

"

"

THE

OPENING

OF

MILTON's

PARADISE

LOST.

midst

130

DISCOVERY.

THE

Unless
Oh

you

would

joinlike

fancy if Faith

The

one

But

think

in his

find you

In

one

tune

'Fore

"

her

and
clogs,

hail fellows,well
vdth your rain,and
"

God," they

in your

the other

people would

the

how

To

on

an

twins

the Siamese

Just

awkwardish

tumble,
jumps ;
should
stumble,
Prophets

with

meet

"

would

cry,

in pumps

worship and wonder.

met," in your hail,
your wind, and your thunder,
they are both in a tale !"

Consider the hint.

RATHER

THE

OUT

It's a nasty evening,"said

settled-himself in the last inside
our

old friend Mat"

the fair
"I
a

an

THE

WEATHER.

DISCOVERY.

"

by

IN

Mr.

Domton, the stockbroker,as he

placeof the last Fulham
coach, driven
friend in need,be it remembered, to
especial

sex.

wouldn't

be

said
outside,"

Mr.

Jones, another stockbroker,

"

for

tnfle."
"

Nor

I, as
of the

speculationin options,"said Mr. Parsons,another

Alley.

quenter
fre-

THE

is waitingfor,"said Mr.

Mat

what

I wonder

"

131

DISCOVERY.

"

Tidwell,

for

we

are

full,inside and out."

"

of old

opened,and

"

up
Mr.

all here," answered

We're

"

solved, the coach-door

soon

placeis took

I believe every

"

was

what
ostentatiously
inquired,

somewhat

Mat

doubt

Tidwell's

Mr.

indeed he very

well

knew

inside ?"
behalf

Jones,on

of the usual

plement
com-

stagers.

I told you
stood beside
so. Ma'am," said Mat, to a female who
door
to
invitation
but
still
from
the
an
within.
him,
leaving
open
However, nobody spoke on the contrary, I felt Mr. Hindmarsh,
"

my

"

like the

himself
dilating
neighbour,

next

what

I don't know

"

frogin

I shall do," exclaimed

the fable.
the

cats and dogs!"

where to go to, and it'sraining
"
You'd better not hang about, anyhow," said

ketch your
To

"

"

be

sure

I'm the last

and

death,

are,"said

you

Mr.

"

"

Mat,
I, Mr.

an't

coach,

"

woman

I've

for you

no

may

Jones ?"

Jones,rather impatiently
;

"

shut

the door."
"

I told the

Mat,
towards
ribbons

in

lady the gentlemencouldn't

I'm very
of apology,
a tone
"

"

"

female),

the

^but such

"

should have

you

pretty

one

as

my

make

dear"

sorry, my
seat,if you

oughtto have

you

for

room

swered
her,"an-

(tummg

could hold

the

coach of her own."

the door.
began slowly closing
Mr. Domton, and the door quicklyunclosed
!"
cried
Stop,Mat, stop
I can't give up my
place,for I'm expected home to dinner ;
again;
He
"

"

"

knees
to sit on my
lady wouldn't object
Not the least in the world," answered
Mat, eagerly
;
you won't
with
for
in
married
will
a
once
a way,
gentleman,
object,
you, ma'am,

but if the

"

"

"

and

wet

"

If I

night,and the last coach on the road V

thoughtI shouldn't uncommodo," said the lady,precipitately

her
furling

with

another

she favoured

she handed

umbrella,which

wet

her

her, in such

gentleman,whilst

one

She then

muddy pattens.

the door behind

shutting

Mat

in to

manner

followed
as

to

self,
her-

help her

obligedfor the favour,"she said,lookinground ;

gentlemanwas so kind ?"
had the pleasureof proposing.
It was
I who
Madam," said Mr.
word
in his lap,
he
the
last
she was
and
before
Domton
pronounced
:
Both
she could.
that she would sit as lightsome
with an assurance
as
with
the
but
to
well
seemed very
pleased
arrangement ;
judge
parties
of
but
the
ill
the
rest
rules
of
were
to
the
Lavater,
company
according

in.
"

"

but

I'm

I'm

sure

which

''

For

at ease.

humour
of

with

my

own

myself and
had

gallantry.I, who

of the old
the
S( tx

"

part, I candidlyconfess

Charles

Grandison

stockbroker
"

laysof

the

"

how
upon him
I did not stand alone,I

conferred

read the

Courts of Love,"

historyof Sir
by a married

who

the person

to

"

How

was
me

equally out of
such an example

the Troubadours
"

preux
be outdone in

grudgedhim

"

the awards

Chevaliers"

"

courtesy to the
the honour

she

!
feelings

unjustifiable
jealousy; Messrs.
Parsons,seemed equallydisinclined to

suspect,in this
and

set

lives of the

I envied his

Jones,Hindmarsh, Tidwell,

had

132

chivalrous

forgive the

blotted

and

crests

all these
answers,

firm, and

of

so

elaborate

an

low,

They are looking up,

abstractedly; and before
"

stage stopped.
coach-door,

hand,
"

"

Yes,
you,

be,"

is Mr.

This

assertion, and
her

"

the

was

other

in

so

and

Why

and

was

very

and

the
the

literal cat
and
up

done

the
tittering

had

beside

stood

Mat

front

the

open

in her

lantern

garden.

shrill voice.
been

Place

dry-nursed from

us

town

;"

?"
in

dignifiedwoman
on

^mercy

"

somewhat

clogs,with

had

the

Domton,

you're

the

in master's

hood,
lap

vancing
ad-

!"

five of the

laughterfrom
like

who

s," said
"

Mr.

whilst

calash

ten. Grove

Domton

celerityrushed

stage ""

lady

number

umbrella

Renounce

so

brisk,and that gettingup,

somebody inquired
forth,when

stockbrokers

rung,

repliedthe

"

of

shout

feline

bell

lantern,

her

and

so

this rather

dear^' answered

my

staid female

ma'am,

"

"

and

pompously down
clattering
?" inquired a
Susan
Pegge come
I

that

enumeration,

came

Is

are

last

like
businessincontinentlyreturned
Stock
Exchange quotations; and he

Bonds.

Spanish

about

Domton

fluctuations,and

operations,and

and

fair
un-

"

very

so

Many

spurs.

our

our

an

Rentes?"

questionsMr.
accordingto the

and

off

cut

all

he attempted
champion of the fair,and when
the lady, he was
with
interruptedby incessant
"
What
in the Alley ?"
is doing in
stirring

the

are

middle

in the

knights,lowered

true

as

at the

is

How

Dutch?"""
To

our

What

"

of

questions

had.

scutcheons, and

conversation

into

which

act

launched

jibe was
to enter

was

DISCOVERY.

THE

her

the

out

inside passengers
corroborated
the
getting
of the
bag, the ci-devant lady, for-

pattens, bolted

garden, and

!" said Mr.

woman

devil didn't

AN

Domton,

she tell

UNEXPECTED

down

me

MEETING

she

the

coach, and

area,

of number

of

out

the
as
was

he

scuttled
the

new

out

cook

with
ten.

of the

?"

133

LITTLE
It

was

Was
And

Well

DAY

SPORT

O' P."

ON

THE

MOORS.

AFRICAN

AN

FACT,

July the First,and the greathill of Howth

bearingby compass sow- west a ad by south,
of the ship was
the name
the Peggy of Cork,
with bacon and butter and pork
freighted

Now,

this

ship had

little O'Patrick

And

captain,Macmorris
mate

was

of the

by

same

name.

but by nautical scope,

they sail'd,
They contrived to be lost by the Cape of Good Hope.
Of all the Cork boys that the vessel could boast,
For

Bristol

Only

littleO'P. made

And

Avhen

He

saw

he revived

big Black

swim

from

with

to the coast

a
a

sort

very

of

trance,

longlance.

Hottentot tongue,
the savage, says he, in some
Kuku
Bash
gimmel bo gumborry bung !
my

Says
"

"

Then

blew

And

down

They
The

came

broughtwith

j"rst

was

the

to
longshell,

like

hundred
them

as

black

as

and
guattul,

beef,and

the second

know," said O'P., what

"

Don't

*'

to eat me
They're intending

of
fright

as

our

elf,

himself.

piecesof klam^
like lamb

the wretches
soon

as

at ?

are

I'm fat I

"

134

O'P.

LITTLE

coming

of

In terror

would

He

touch

not

spit,or pot,

to pan,

suffer d to rot ;

jarhulhe

of

rations

His

FACT.

AFRICAN

AN

doolherry-lik^

or

purry

growing as thin as a stick.

the climate,and parchingwith drouth.
Though broiling
But

kept

not let

would

He

kick'd down

But
I

"

himself

And
The

The

an

pisond the likes of

rat !

"

The

the purry
(I chew'd
jarhulis fresh,for I

And

the Bok

My jumho I

is

from

off to

run

myself)is not

bad ;

it cut out.

saw

it came

that
but

it

about.
grazing

BilleryNang,

tell her to put on her jiggerand tang.

of the sea.
go with the Bloss to the man
from me.**
his Wulwul
as
say that she comes

And
And
And
Now

Billery
Nang

With
And

Black

as

was

as

curlyhair like the wool

thick

he

the moment

sweep.
of a sheep,

said little OT.,

spiedher,

Sure the Divil is dead, and his Widow's

But

when,

She

came

in the blaze of her Hottentot

to

accept him

stretch'd her thick

And

natt^-

great Joddry got quitein a rage,

cried, O mi pitticumdambally nage !
chohherytake, and put back on the shelf,
giveme the kriigshell,I'lldrink it myself !
is the best to be had,
doolberry-lik

And

"

with

"

last the

At

Or

t to be

chohheryenter his mouth,

the krug shell,tho' sweeten'd

Raven

With

preparingto

!**

at me

charms.

for life in her arms.

lipsto

broad

billlike

Dove,

soul full of dread

grinof love,

he declined the
and

Stoppedher

eluded

grim bliss,
her kiss

Molyneux anns,
;
the
she
attack.
f
oiled,
last,
fairly
gave up
And Joddry began to look blacker than black ;
!
! by Jumbo
why here is a man,
By Mumbo
Tliat won't be made happy do all that I can ;
He will not be married,lodged,
clad,and well fed,
At

'^

"

Let the Rham

take his

THE
Inside

"

with

or

out, ma'am

shangwangand chop off

his head !"

DEBUTANTE.
?" asked

the

coachman,

he

as

stood

civilly

the door in his hand.

If you
umbrella

**

answered
the woman,
please,I'll try in first,"
poking in
before
an
I'm not used to
her,and then a pair of pattens,
and
don't
think
I
could
the
coaching,
keep myself on
top."
In she came,

"

"

and

after

laps,she found

some

having firsttried
floundering,

herself in the centre

of the

two

tlemen's
genfront seat, where

135

DEBUTANTE.

THE

with somethingof the air of a Catherine Hayes,

composed herself,
gettinginto a sledgefor a tripto Tyburn. Except for her fear,which
of her,I should have called her a pretty-looking
made a fright
literally
she

woman,

the faces she

but

"

actual

an

spasm

with

broke."

As

heard

and

As

the cad

enclosed

slam, her features underwent

smart

her

spoke thus, she

she

horrible.

pulledwere

luggagein the hind-boot

her

whisper

started

"

herself,

to

her feet,and

on

somethink
the

thingat the same moment, the timid female found

for which she
suddenlyhuggingthe strangegentlemanopposite,
doingthe

horses

herself

same

"

accustomed

to be

excused

carried

away."
by saying,
she plumped again in her old place,but her physiognomy
in torture, as if broken, not upon
didn't improve. She seemed
one
and
h
er
worked
four.
Her
but
eyebrows
wheel,
up
eyes rolled,
upon
her lips
out
tears that wouldn't come,
down, as if tryingto pump
kept goinglike a rabbit's,
though she had nothingto eat, and I fancied
sively
I could hear her grindingher teeth.
Her hands,meanwhile, convullike
orange-juice
graspeda bundle on her lap,till something
went
When
coach
the
between
her
on
one
out
side,
squeezed
fingers.
herself

she wasn't

so

Dow^l

"

she

clutched

at

the

of whichever

arm

and

suddenly turned pale,

perhaps did not preferto

last she

she

I suggested
that
hastily

somewhat

and
neighbourssat highest,

of her

At

of both.

pinch she laid hold

ride backwards.
If it'sall the

"

Sir,I

to you^

same

be gladto change
really

should

seats."
The

removal

not without
effected,
all our
feet,and hang

was

to tread on

could

subside.

It

if such
vis-a-vis,

visagesinnumerable

as

much

did

of it

out

after

so

"

"

The

as

for if her

she could.

face

She

and

where

be used

phrase may

to

all

on

managed, however,

was

for
dijB"culty,

some

one

her

was

our

she

trived
con-

she

necks, before

there

sat

we

again,

opposed

visage

was

fortune, she screwed

hardlyneeded

to

speak,but

she

short interval.

hope you'llexcuse,
air's what

but I can't ride forrards neither."

want, Ma'am," said

you

stout

gentleman in

the

comer.
"

the musicians
"

Let

whilst

that would

I think

Yes,

call

the
stout

revive

me,"

said the female,with

veil'd voice,throughher handkerchief.

out !
squealed a little man, who sat
"

lady
gentlemanon

her

after
right,

on

lookingin vain for

what

her
a

left,

check-

that hung
of the skirt of a great-coat
pullat the comer
nometer
ChroThe
off
the
roof.
the
over
owner
window, almost pulling
stopped.
It's the lady," said the little man
to the coachman, as the latter
be
inside out."
at
the
she
wants
door
to
appeared
;
It's as the gentleman says,"added
I an t quite
the female ;
You
shan't
be
but
I
don't want
to affect the fare.
myself,
any loser,

string,
gave

the

"

"

"

"

for I'll discharge

in full."
"

There's
with

the

whole

Ma'am," said the

dickey to yourself,
and
and
after
some
a wink,
scuffling

somethinglike

man,
coachscram-

136

It

to be taken

meant

never

"

"

I think

but

"

the

on

"

board

backgammon

as

if

up.

little man,

said the
ungallant,"

seems

again;

herself
seating

felt her

bling,we
she

DEBUTANTE.

THE

oughtn'tto

women

got into motion

in what
travel, particularly
as

we

them
long ones.
stages,for they'recertain to make
of the rightcoach, and
sure
First of all,they have been told to make
Home
and Co.,'and
licensed to carry,'
they spellit all over, from
hundred
and nine.
Then
to No. nine thousand, fourteen
they never
cries Hackney,' they say
If one
that means
Cambelieve the cads.
of
i
nto
Then
had
I've
and
berwell,'
they
enough getting
stages.
wrong
it will start exactly,
have to ascertain it's the first coach, and when
and when
they'resure of both points,they'reto be hunted for in a
shop, and out of that into a fruiterer's. At last you
pastry-cook's
called

are

short

'

'

'

think

^but

'em,

have

you

"

such

no

thing. All the luggage is to be

there's a wrangle, of course,
about

put in under their own

eyes,
all
when
and
that,
ready,with
they're
"

their

told to make

been
*'

bargainwith

foot

one

"

the step, they've

before they get in."

on

the coachman

exclaimed

"

the fat man

she agreedwith
to a T,"
My own
;
a
fly-man,at Brighton,to convey her to the Devil's Dyke for twelve
it came
to setting
off,she couldn't resist the spirit
shillings
; but when
of haggling. Says she, What'll you take me
to the Devil for,without
the Dyke?'"
A loud scream
interrupted
any further illustration of female travelling,
and againthe Chronometer
at the rate of ten miles in the
stopped,losing
mother

'

hour.

We

all had

nevertheless
and

shrewd

thoughtproper

inquirewith

at the

guess
to

bigvoice

pop
"

his littlehead

What

the

little

the

but

cause,

man

of the window,

out

plague we

stopping

were

for?"
"

"

It's the

ladyagin,Sir,"said

the

She

says the dickey shakes so, she's

I've got her in front."
rightnow

coachman, in
sure

it will

dissatisfied tone.

come

off: but it'sall

"

"

It's very

againin
"

well,"said
stage

Poo

! poo
can't be stuck

London
"

the littleman,

"

but if I travel with

woman

'*

to suit the

consider your

in

and
garden-pots

"

and

now

I wish

she
sex

then.

Shell

may," said
;" and, as

about
proceeding

"

own

wife,"said

"

man

women

tied to sticks ; they must

come
be very comfortable in front."

the littleman,
if to confirm

mile, came

the stout

againto

rather
the
full

but

"

tartly,

sentence, the

up

to

it'shard

coach, after

stop.

"

I'm very sorry, gentlemen,"

said the coachman, with a touch of his
hat,as he looked in at the window, " but she won't do in front !"
"

Just like 'em !" muttered

please
a

"

the littleman,

"

the devil himself

can't

woman."

I should

think,"suggestedthe

stout

"

man,

if you

were

to

give

her the box seat, with your arm

well round
her waist."
*'
No, I've tried that,"said the coachman, shakinghis head ; " it did
and she can't
pretty well over the level,but we're coming on a hill,
face it."

138

showed
pelisse

her

lady ?

of her shoes

One
road

muddy,

was

balancingon

one

declined

which

say,"bellowed

like

stood

she

It

wandered

hands

"

Oh

"

How^^s

the

was

time

lady !

to

some

"

have

"

"

Gracious

"

no

the

"

giggle;

Giveherher

"

The

dark

he

resumed

smacked
There
as

we
"

on

"

rolled
How

I'm

back,

she

could

"

then

round

arms

last time

door and
the

for

bolted out,

woman's

one

his short neck.

slapon
finishing

the sole.

Coachman,

"

how

Bless
far is

Tom.

exclaimed

the stout

mile," said the

fond

of

out

with

woman,

once,"cried

get down
"

seat

for

"

man.
a

She
sort

A
; and

is

There
in the

the littleman

I to hever to

"SHORT

of

hysterical

from the coach.

the top
on
passenger
Tom
himself,as well

swore
as

his

remedy," sighedthe fat man,

of the coach.
The
whip

no

comer

partinglook.

stood,nursing three bundles, each as big as

off I heard her last words in this soliloquy
:

THE

can* t do it ! **

walking."

to

the fret.
his old

ham

and

fetch her breath

for the

man

opened the

held out his watch.

I leaned

she

her

short exclamation.

situation !
distressing

threatened

horses,were

she

success.

frightmerely;

of puttingon
gratification

then at
luggage

man

and
horribly,

as

nine

and

"

the

old-fashioned

?"

heaven

only

for

fat

he

answer,

good nine mile,"answered

It's

before

enough

shouted

the

heart,though,it's
London

posturingand

better

no

small of her

time

shoe, whilst she clung with both her

"
There, my dear,"he said,with a
my
she from

the

as

"

it obtained

findingthat

boot, and

of the

one

was

again with

ribs to the

her

It

trunks

them

the
crane,

escaped with

not

at last she mustered

but
freely,

just in

had

from

it

as

shouted

was

she

each knee.

rubbed

"

lady ?

evident

was

with

Numidian

conveniency,"and
plenty of luggage.

is the

How

"

big man.

leg; whilst Tom, hunting after the missing article,

till everythingelse had been taken
to turn
out of
up

the leathern

boots it held

the

remain

preferredto

had

if she had

as

Hill.

Greenwich

How''s the

"

all awry

rumpled and

ruffled and

as

down

just rolled

"

DEBUTANTE.

THE

get to

STAGE"

York

MILE-

by

END

the mail ?

OMNIBUS.

"

baby, and

139

GENTLE

AND

ANGLER^S

THE

FAREWELL.

Resign'd,I

kissed the rod,''

Well
! I think it is time to put up !
For it does not accord with my notions,

Wrist, elbow, and chine,

Stifffrom throwingthe line,
To

take

last

nothing at

by

my

At

Gudgeon would

brandlingonce
gape.

But

they
now

seem

upon

ground-bait
my way as
dip in at each watery dimple;

advice

they taken

Of the " Council

And rejected
their
I go.

different terms

Have

tions
mo-

!
I

SIMPLE.

ofNice,''
Diet of Worms^

"

now?

And

But

In vain my

I wish

however

Not

To

the fish.
inveigle
To my gentle
theywill not

Though

float goes

my

so

playsimple!
ly
swimming-

on,"
bad luck

My

It would

never

to

seems

diminish

that the Bream

Must
be scarce
in the stream.
And the Chub, tho' it'schubby,be thin-

Not
Not

seem

Trout there

a
a

can

Graylingor

be in the place.
the
Rud
worth

mention,
And

With
I

can

my

hook

Tench

on

see

my

hook

I spin.
think it worth

cork.
a nibble has ruffled my
It is vain in this river to search then

Not

I may
wait tillit'snight.
Without
any bite.

And

at roost-thne

have

never

Parch

then !

a
"

Roach

can

I meetwith

"

no

Bleak,

what in the air is so sharpnow;

have I got.
Not a Dace
And I fear it is not
Carpe diem,"a day for the Carp nowl

Save

with

to

snatching;

attention I look,
ne'er

live minnow

Piiceseems

For the gut I have brought,

I had better have bought
used to JackA good rope that was
!
ketching

No

althoughat

140

Oh

POPPING

! there is not

THE

QUESTION.

"

By

method

learn'd how

Eel I have

an

Walton's

of

for miles,

Till I'm weary

of dippingand
And
hungry and faint,

casting

"

Of 80 Ashless a stream
But that 'tis" like St. Mary's
For

tried all the water

I have

pound prize
!
lottery

one

be got in this fresh-water

I deem
What
then can

To

Let

Otteryl
to

own

And

try,
ing,"
show-

the

Fancy just paint

it is,without

What

Fish, to be Fasting!

the rain drizzles down

While

dinner-time

my

very fast.
from a

sounds

far bell,
to the skin,
wet
I'll e'en back to my
Inn,
Where
of a Bar^belU
at least I am
sure
"

But

fisherman

Little prospect of
In

paththat

Eels,

devoted

So,

feels
to

towing!

POPPING

My

friend Walker

is

THE

QUESTION.

great story-teller.He
in the East, who, without

reminds

me

of the

tale-bearers
professional
beingparticularly
of Sinbad, or
the adventures
requestedby the company,
beginreciting
the life,
and
of
Hunchback.
No
resurrection
does
Little
death,
sooner
conversation flagfor a few
minutes,than W. strikes up, with some
such prelude as, "I
about
told you
the Flying Fish affair before,
"

but

as

you wish
your

to

me

memory,

fresh
re-

you

shall have it again."He

then

fillshis
deliberately
and furnishes himself
glass,
with

cork,a bit of
or an
orange-peel,
applea

paring,to

be

shredded

and

sub-shredded

the

course

during

of narration.

Many Scotchmen,by
way,

and

given to

are

macual

same

the

located

Back

informed
that

at

the

sity.
propen-

lady

towards

the

dians,
Cana-

most

party

tlements
Setme,

she

the

mantel-shelf,
chairs,
tables,and every

gave,

wooden

article of
was

nicked

niture,
fur-

and

notched
It
or

by the knives
is most probably an

mtcrmixture

FISHING

of her

Indian

with the

day, after dinner, with

guests,like

the

talHes of

and
peculiarity,

Chipaways"
select few

RISE.

but to return

of my

Exchequer

our

derived

by

to W.

there
friends,

intercourse
The

occurred

other
one

THE

POPPING

of

suspensionsof

irresistible allusion

an

to

Quaker

availed himself.

course

"

the gentlemanopposite, to ask

going,Sir,"addressing
I came
about the Pop business, ^but I ought first to tell you how
in my
be carrying
pocket."
ginger-beer
old drysalter,
Tlie gentleman thus appealedto, a straight-forward
You

"

to

W.

Of this pause

meeting.
me

provoke
frequently

which

words,

armistices,or

verbal

those
silences,

sudden

those

of

141

QUESTION.

were

"

had

who

never

W.

seen

in his

life

before,naturallystared

such

at

of his thoughts; but before he could find words to

anticipation
W.
to a dozen
had helped himself
almonds, which he began
reply,

bold

he set off at

mincing,while
"

The

way

don't know

Queen

frequent,and

house

two

to say, was,

are

you

Poultry,"the drysaltershook

in the

Arms

have

to

came

whether

steadypace in his story.

in my pocket,was
this. I
ginger-beer
with
Hopkins, Sir,of the
acquainted

very

civil

ago.
don't
you

it'sthe
^that is

"

was

season

"

head,

of fellow he is

sort
obliging

The

summers

his

and
sultry,

very

says

it's a pleasant
keep ginger pop
this
and
wholesome.
at
particularly
"Well,
season,
refreshing
beverage
for
for
the
he
likes
thankful
to
have
hint,
was
Hopkins
very
every
I wonder

I, Hopkins,

thing that
once

None
a

called for,and

be

can

the best

recipefor it
"

Hopkins

hum'd

like

was

make

I'llgiveyou

your own.
I couldn't

gainmy

could make

thoughtnobody
settinghim right,so at

no

it

well

as

of mine

sample

But

persuaded

at

better.

point.

it but the

last I determined

to

proof. I'll tell you what, Hopkins, said I, you don't

that a man
convince you
who
isn''ta
trouble, or I'd soon

can

have

make

order

an

him

to the

the

maker

bottled.

ever

sendingoff

haw'd, and

and

There

put him

for

was

trash,said I, but

of their wholesale

makers.

he

manufactory, but
ginger-beer

the

to

"

as

I've

"

any

got

one

few

"

You

perhaps better.

bottles at my

shall

counting-house,

and

and
it'sonly a step. Of course, Hopkins was
obliged,
very much
I
off I went.
and
In confidence between
Sir, though never
me.
you
had the pleasureof seeing you before"
I wanted
to introduce ginger"

beer at the
"I

am

Queen''sArms
Sir

sure,

"

as

I'm

very

publicbenefit."
much
stammered
the dryobliged,"
IVe
no
doubt,is very
Ginger-beer,
"

at a loss what
to say.
salter,
and
after fruit
efficacious, particularly
always see them at the same
shops."
"

lobsters,for

observe

you

dog-days all to nothing,"returned W.,

amazinglywell corked and wired down, and I'll
tell you why
it will get vapid and may-be worse.
Well, I'd got it
in my
and
Bow
coat
was
Church, no
pocket,
walking back, just by
than
silk
of
at
this
moment
more
pelisses
thinking green
are, Sir,
you
I wasn't"when
somethinggave a pop and a splash,
upon my honour
"

The

or

but

drink

best

in

the

ought to be

"

"

"

and

I heard

female

scream.

did,you might have

Tom, (addressing
me,)
more

like

poured over

melted
me"

lead
one

was

afraid

knocked

me

down

I'm not

made

of

"

warm

look round

to

with

brass,

hot.
heavy and
within,and the

"

straw.

^for the

"

and
You

minute

when
know
I

felt

Two

full kettles seemed

other

cold without.

You

142

QUESTION.

THE

POPPING

stood,winkingand gasping,and
froth and foam, like a lady just emerged out of the sea
all over
only
and
satin
bonnets.
You
might
they don't bathe in green silk pelisses
such

saw

never

she

There

object!

an

"

knocked

have

handkerchief,but

my

she

What

hair.

that

only remember

don't know,

with

down

me

did

or

said

attempted to wipe

her
preferred

make

To

own.

first I

at

her face with

thingsworse,

had been
the passengers made a ringround us, as if we
goingto fight
I
would
'em
set up a laugh.
rather have
of
about it,and a good many
if
lie
I
I
don't
tell
I
would
banditti.
a
been surrounded
gladly
say
by
tossed

been

have
of the

circle by

bull.

How

mad

longed

like

jump

to

out

lequin
Har-

intoatwopennyto
slip
post-box, or
down
eel !

like

plug

an

"

"

Yery distressing,
indeed,"said the drysalter.
"

don't

resumed

W.,
when

much

as

died

mother
upon
was

but

think,"
"

my
I

"

poor

don't,

soul !

my

felt

She

expectedfor years,
the lady in
green

like

came

!
"

bolt
thunder-

When

the

saw

ginger-beerweltering
down

her,

almost

as

Tweedie's

would
have

soon

blood.

seen

felt little short

shop. Heaven

remember

cannot

one

of

knows!

BOOTY.

SEIZING

BANDITTI

How

murderer

suppose

into

her

got

pulled her

in,for I

persuasion. However, I got her into

enough to seat her in a chair,and to beg

word

of

and had justsense

Tw^eedie's,
few dry cloths.
a
To do the dear creature
she bore it all
justice,
but
angelically,
syllablemaking light of her
every smile, every
w
ent
old friend,
to my
heart.
don't know
You
calamity,
my original
Charles Mathews, do
Su-?"
you,

for

"

The

dissent.
dry-salter
signified
matter
his theoryis rightall over
it is as true as gospel!"
exclaimed
There
W., with an asseverating
thump upon the table.
is an
aloft
infernal,
little demon, hovers
malicious,aggravating,
up
about us, wherever
we
go, ready to magnify any mischief,and deepen
"

No

"

"

"

disaster.

every

but

as

soon

and
bottle,'

as

Sure I
I

am

began

uncorked

he hovered
to

about

me

wipe briskly,bang

itself before

it

was

The

cloths

againwent

called for.

came
'

shall

"

t*'ot]ier
never

THE

POPPING

whish
the sound ! Pop, whiz,fiz,
forget
rather
have
guggle: I'd
guggle,guggle,

ish

slish

slosh

"

"

"

been

at the

slush

"

explodingof

"

the

the first report I turned

At

Mills !

Powder

143

QUESTION.

hastilyround,
jet from the open cases on the
counter, to the show-traysin the shop window, filled with Tweedie's
I favoured Tweedie
choicest cutlery
; and as I completedthe pirouette,
Dartford

but

by

doing,I only diverted

so

the

himself with the tail of the spout \"

"
indeed,"said the
Very unpleasant,
if the

flown in his

fussyfluid had

throat with

cut

my
myselfwith

pairof the

"it

razors

the

himself shake

his head

delicate articles. It wasn't

believe I cursed and

for I went

the

on

stand

trooper.

that made

Tweedie

says I raved ; and I do remember

of ginger-beer,
well as Hopkins for not
as

she

that

even
got so rampant,
had
sweet
a
particularly

tryingto make

voice

thingscomfortable,I

polished
"

and

saw

of

some

I
upon words, and
I stamped about,

me

than

worse

I cursed

and

myselffor

and

manner,
began to hear

stabbed
"

keepingit in his
lady began to console

the

could

frightful

was

and

cut

have

at the chains

I know

foot,and
lady'^s

last I

mess

to

time

like

swore

he looked

as

I could

"

The

splashedscissors!

all
brightsteel buckles,buttons,clasps,
rings,

Tweedie

wink, as

unendurable!

was

of the wet

one

hard

face.

own

W.,
"Unpleasant!" ejaculated
have

with
drysalter,

ever.

talking
At

house.
me,

and

as

Tweedie, too,

reason

but if

I carry ginger-beer
againin my pocket,alongCheapside
"
Till you**re
a widower,"said I.

ever

"

"

"

the
coming to that.Sir,"continued W., still addressing
that
into
and
I
insisted
the
on
a
lady
by
drysalter.
coach,
putting
I

was

"

means

obtained

and
address,

her

afterwards called and

was

graciously
accepted,and
kind

white

one

dictated,I
politeness

common

well received.

the

when
indulgence,

as

new

afterwards

condescended

silk dress

green
met

with

be

Mrs.

the

was
same

"Walker.

lady
trifles. Through
on
fortunes,
Sir,in this world,hinge frequently
with
an
I
o
f
into
thus
a prettyfortune ;
a
explosion pop
popped
partner
but for all that,I would not have any man,
like the Persian in Hajji
of the country. For
accident for the custom
Baba, mistake a mere
to

Our

Ccelebs in Search

of

"Wife

to walk

up
bottle of ginger-beer
in his pocket,would
a

MILL

HISTORY

OF

THE

and
be

down

Cheapsidewith

Quixotic in

CRUSaDKS.

the extreme."

144

SONG.

SEA

DIBDIN.

AFTER

Pure

For

my

if Tars

For
The

One

day

when

into

ax'd for

And

Well,

And

to

fault,
by natur,

been

salt !
"

be neat

but

was

!
"

half

sober,
"

disdain

always
shop that
"Water

some

the lubber

Till I'd

:"

creatur

of decorum

measures

I walked

"

sense

meant

was

never

Half

flat

"

jorum
strong,sharpish,or sweet,

if I've any

For

all that

water

never

it into

it

make

swig

have

off with

And

was

should

would

sea

Then

he drew

sold

Soda,

Champagne
and

six bottles

shipped my

"

he
or

:"

drew, boys,
more.

off my
last limb but it^s true, boys,
I wam't
half so drunk
afore !
as

blow

Why,

"

off with

Then
And

make

For

if I've

It

think

could

never

in

level for sartin

own

sartinlydrinks very
part a drop of the

it

For

and

the decks

it finds its

And

It

plays a good part

swabbing

The

it

water

never

it into

jorum.
or
sharpish,
sweet,
strong,
of decorum,
sense
any
a

it

was

meant

to be

BOTTLE

neat.

J4CK.

146
It would

a far
require

ensued

which

scene

unusual

so

his

"

natural

dark

the

to
justice

the

on

ed
allud-

nance
repug-

pale faces

of the
to the

do

myself to

Imperfect

Sympathies,"has
to the

artist than

Elia, in

late

Essay on

better

QUESTION.

WHITE

applica

an

The

tion.

AND

BLACK

THE

"

ones.

In

countenance,"

negro

he says, " you will often

with
meet
strong traits

benignity. I have
felt yearnings
of tenderness
of

towards
these

faces,

rather

or

that have

masks,

looked

kindly upon

out

casual

encounters

streets

and

'

in the
I

these

cut in
not

images
ebony.'But
like to

ciate with them

because

in

Fuller beautifully

calls

I should

one

highways.

love what

of God

of

some

they

to share my

"

YOU

MASSA,

a' PRENTICE?"

WANT

asso-

black."

and

meals
Such

goodnightswith

my

is
feeling

them

"

imperfectsymtruly
pathy,
shopkeeperevidentlywent beyond the essayist,
and
A
regarded the nigger with a positiveantipathy.
good
horse,"says the proverb, cannot be of a bad colour,"but I could not
that a good man
help feeling
might be of an unfortunate complexion;
of
hue
which
a
howbeit,
wears
well, washes
well, does not fly,and
but

are

my

an

Strand

*'

"

"

"

moreover

hides

the dirt.

his

companion, the master

be

his subordinate.

The

So

tradesman
mere

to endure

being able

far from

could

not

look

upon

of such
possibility

as

moor

him

as

connexion

fit to
had

occurred to

in the window,
to the advertisement
him, or assuredly,
be preferred,"
he
will
added
Apprentice, would have
a White
No
African need
or
sufficiently
time, it was
apply." In the mean
obvious
treated
be
that,even if indentured,a Hottentot would never

never

for

"

an

"

"

as

one

of

the

family."

"Whilst

the

master

stared

an

unequivocal

his wife looked

with all
his shoulder at the applicant,
rejection,
over
the physicalexpressionin her countenance, of the anticipation
of a
black
dose ; the little boy took
frightand tried to bolt ; the baby
its
set
infantine face againstthe adoption,and the very
even
dog
and
barked
vermin.
that
at
the
breed
was
intruder
at a
growled
as
The result of such a scrutiny
date
needs hardly to be told ; the poor candiwas
unanimously blackballed to his face, and recommended,
to
unceremoniously,
complexion.

make

himself

as

scarce

as

swan

of

the

same

It will do

me

the condition

to

my
which

to

nearlythe
was

or

who, with

for

drachm

scene
mere

suppose

am

name

or

of

"

philosophy,
or

scrupleof

accidents of colour

overlooked

are

could
Christianity,
in

good

down

human

a
by
beingwere weighed
The
baker's
?
in
a
oven
day
skin-deepcasualties as occur
every
in the Strand,however, aroused certain misgivings
for the
; and
tion,
necessary to procure further informarepose of my mind, it became
this
in order to come
to a settled opinionon the subject. To

end, it
or

"

that the

thoughtat all of

of

of
qualities

horse,the moral
such

on

that whilst the

suppose,

to

Sallyin our Alley." A common

of justice
helped,beside,to mislead me
principles

of the eternal

sense

one
party-coloured

the sable ones, it

in
all
their
best,only with
Sundays, drest
if I

Diana, instead

Miss

me

the outward-bound
simple belief,
conformed
to the
same
apprentices,

articles ; and

walkingabroad

as

Phoebe

suit into

upon
in my

thing. Thus,

same

set

trust,and

homeward-bound

the

our

"

black

even

take matters

stands for the

and

becoming a

convert

can

apt

too

of

dread

active

to
Abolitionists,
for
seriously
thinking,
of the Negro Apprentices. In addition
and there is a spirit
sidesman
abroad

little incident

confess,that the above

147

QUESTION.

credit,I fear,with

no

the first time, on

WHITE

AND

BLACK

THE

sentiments

desirable to obtain the

was

at least of

of

and
Apprentice,

an

Black

fortune

Apprentice,
favoured

me

Having delivered my instructions to the tradesman, it

in the
to pay an overdue visit to a decayed kinswoman

in the search.
occurred to

Black, and

of

me

and
in whose
family affairs I took a friendly
neighbourhood,
versation
coninterest. She happened to be at home
; and after a preliminary
same

the

on

Mr.

weather, and

Murphy,

and

the

current

of

news

she had
Richard, whom
day, the discourse turned on her son
recentlyarticled to an architect ; she had doubts,she said,of his being
fault of hers,as he
but it was
no
exactlycomfortable in his situation,
in proof whereof
had been placed in it at his own
urgent instances,
the

she handed

Mr

the

to me

letter :
following

"

Mother,

DEAR

This is to say I
as

happy

can

as

be

good health

in

am

and

from

expected away

quitecomfortable,and
I like being an

home.

had
I have
to do for the last
All the work
architect very much.
has been to copy a drawing of a gate for a Porter"'s Lodge,
fortnight,
is very kind,
of nice prints. My master
and to look over
portfolios
I always dine
I like.
how
and lets me
fillup my
time at over-hours

with him
Last
a

and

Sunday

Mrs.

tart,besides

supper

had

we

because

G., and

legof lamb

glassof

wine

I said I liked

Mrs. G.

singsto the piano.

motherly good woman
; and
I had

tumbler

best spare bed

comes

I'm

not

have

of hot

plentyto

whatever

prefer.

asparagus, and a pigeonpie,and

I'm allowed to sit up to
afterwards.
is

Mr.

G.

elder wine.

good man,
night,because

For

the

it

was

so

very

cold,

presentI sleepin
"

and
flute,

and she is

and
got ready for me
played last nightwith
L

the

plays on

very

the other

till my
is
own
sent off to it,but

of

and

music,for
He

eat

when

the

company
the visitors till

148

they won
forget to

won't

you

WHITE

all my
send
me

o'clock,and

twelve
pray

AND

BLACK

THE

QUESTION.

pocket
some

I do

money.

more,

hope

and

there''s another

as

I could
off for food, or
not be better
Altogether,
party
needn't
I
be
that
as
amusement, or any thing,so
any longeron liking,
be
bound
and
to
as
soon
I like it very much, and am
as
agreeable
you

week.

next

think

master

premium,

as

proper

from
yourself,

P.S.

Mr.

"

seemed

you
Give

treatment.

Mrs.

smile

on

statement, whereupon
the

in

world

hands. Protocol
Dear

but
the

sudden

is

deal

^but consider

"

about

accept the

the

same

affectionate son,
Richard
Ruggles.

could

in my

the

they

"

be

never

happy

so

are

remember
where
any-

profession.

I did not read the above efFusion

had

with

but

submit

to

now

the

sigh,and

to

different
very
the duplicity
of

me

reflection

of architects in

throughout,
gravelyshook

mother

on

she placedin
particular,

my

2.

Mother,
I

and

No.

as

progress

and
general,

stick

compliments
friendlyway.
Pray

countenance

my

won't

everybody, and

to

dutiful and

you
the premium,
such

great

in the most

said she

head, and

her

it

you

desire their best

G.

supposedthat

be

It may
without

love

and

make

else,or

hope

think

mother, your

I said about

what

to

kind

my

do

dear

asking about

always

and

am
a

sorry to

very

premium paid
Mr.

and

tyrant ;

and

end.

cruel

trouble

great change has

quitethe

reverse.

I should

be

taken

down.
Mrs.

All

with

sant,
anythingunpleaplace since the articles were
signed
has come
the being on liking
to a
off their

thrown

G. have

instead of

mind

your

I littlethoughtthe moment

complete slave,and

work

masks,

mother

being another

to

I became

like

an

she ia

apprentice

Nothing but

horse.

it's

me,

he

and

week
next
drawing, drawing,drawing, as long
light
we
beginlamps. I've no over-hours at all except in bed, and that's
in
the back garret,
old flock as
hard
wood.
and nothingbut an
as
up
My beinga parlour boarder is all over ; and as to sitting
up to music
d up at night that I may
be
and supper, I can't repeat,but I'm d
take
down
in the morning. They have
not
sent
to
as
me
yet
my
as

"

and

"

in the

kitchen,but I would almost as soon, for I'm snubb'd if I

I'm
the wine
comes
on
lips at table ; and the moment
open
my
if I don't.
for the visitors,
As
expected to be off,and am reminded
notice of me
than they do of the foot-boy; but
they take no more
after
what
and
ask now
Mr.
Mrs. G. never
most
to
heart
is,
goes
my
It's very ungrateful
after payingso handsomely,
your delicate health.

meals

but

it's my

belief he

doesn't know

only takes in young gentlemen for the

can't help feeling
I
very unhappy, when
years

to come,

lawyer, whether
left to

my

and

do

wish

you
I can't be turned

liberty.Next

to

an

and
architecture,

anythingabout

would

sake
think

ask

of their
I've

Uncle

premiums.

got

to

run

William, as

seven

he's

by legallaw, or cancelled
I should like,if I
architect,

over

and
was

THE

unbound,

be

to

it doesn't

of,
approve
would
like to have

books

requireany
and

home,

at

me

149

QUESTION.

which

to be

hope you will

perhaps you
all,with which

But

premium.

nothingat

remain,

readers,who
their

from
or

are
or

sons

believe that

to

reason

Taking it,therefore,as

ordinaryoccurrence.
practicein England,I
of

one

affectionate son,
Richard
Ruggles.

are

least there is

profession
; at

dutiful and

your

genuine,it is probablethat many of my

have
received similar epistles
parents or guardians,
wards before or after their being articled to a trade

letters

above

the

As

mother,

dear

My

is

WHITE

AND

author, and write

an

as

BLACK

the above
fair

case

sample of

anxious to compare
it with the course
was
in
colonies
the
and
with
this view my next
of a negro apprenticeship
;
friend
old
who
Colonel
had
visit was
to
C,
recentlyarrived
paid
my
the

with

Jamaica

from

described

the

black

"turn-over"

the

in

at

scene

shop
subjectedme

of course,
acceded to, and Sambo

errand,which,
was

Strand, and
to

Having

explained my

raillery,
request
my

some

ference
privateconwith
study.
good-humouredAfrican,
allowed to the race
than the twilight
intelligence
by the

more

Lewis

late Monk

was

his brethren

to

to

me

stout

all the characteristic relish for

but with

ascribed

Massa,

his service.

ordered to attend

was

He

in the
rather

in

the

He

entered therefore into the

and

the

the

by

same

discussion with

divested of his outlandish

following,

the

talk with

pleasant authority.
greatestgood-will ;

jargon,is the

substance

of

his evidence.
To

whether
question,

first

my

inclination to

into

go

the

he

had

rice,sugar,

ever

and

betrayed any original

tobacco

line,he gave

decided

hood,
negative. He had no occasion,he said,to labour for a liveliin
been
his
own
country an independentblack prince,
having
and heir-apparent,
He
as I understood
him, to the king of the Eboes.
however, that he could neither read nor write,and consequently
acknowledged,
had

transatlantic A.
an

he

"

or
appliedpersonally,
by letter,
post paid,to

never

B. C.

X.

or

Y.

Pupil.*" He

Articled

was

positivethat no premium was requiredwith

however, that he had been regularly
bound, but
was

turned out

that it had

he knew

his fetters.
were

of
*'

of, were
He

had

on

done

his dam

impressionthat

for his
"

on

and
rope-yam,
his wrists and ankles,from

decided

being asked

take

him.

with

appliedto for their concurrence

never

would

been

he

any
for

advertisement
to an
Z., in answer
he
taken,
affirmed,at unawares,

own

was

appeared,

the pressure

his parents or
he had

to the

and

explanationit
the only indentures

indeed

assent

It

of

guardians
no

lection
recolHe

arrangement.

carried before the Chamberlain

never

officialpersonage invested with similar functions,

and denied ever
received
the slightest
hint that the bindinghim was
having
necessary

or

any

to entitle him

to

take

of Richard

into

and
slavery,

up

his freedom.

Ruggles,his
it

was

only

very

after

In

short,contrary
first step appeared to

long

term

of

severe

to the

have

perience
ex-

been

service in

150

BLACK

THE

QUESTION.

WHITE

AND

constituted an
cane-piecethat he was
tice.
apprenthe public interest is mainly
This being the point to which
here became
minute, and the
naturallymore
directed,my inquiries
rice-field and

the

the

circumstantial.
Taking the Ruggles
proportionably
out
at great pains to make
letters for my
something
guide,I was
but I
what
called
is
of
liking,"
being
upon
analogousto the state
failed to elicit anything
evidence

was

"

of the sort ; and from

the

solemnity,not

say

to

Sambo's

of

awfulness,

there
asseverations,
reason

no

his
denied

peared
ap-

to suspect

veracity.

He

positively

most

ing,
repeatedlyhis dinin any one
solitary
master
his
w
ith
instance,
and
mistress, and
by

and

the

consequence
of

taking
He

past.
re-

equally
disclaimingany

firm in

was

invitation
supper

with

social

after the

them

pleasure

wine

sit up
instead

to

and

of

liked

if he

being asked

to

music, he declared

nantly
indig-

that his favourite

APPRENTICE

instruments

kattyand

ON

LIKING.

kitty-

gamby had been continuallybroken over

totallyrepudiatedthe notion of playingat Pope

He

notice

he

every

to his master's

came

obtained

ever

the whole

personalbenefit from
apprentice
;

no,

not

of the cowhide.

of his

house

beingout

his

would

not

to the

rather

extent

thought,on

his time in

so

many

of the

much

of

chargedSambo

dwelt

whether

upon
the blacks

by
were

with
very home
certain
members
"

he answered

examined

the

them

on

Act

very

went

ever

away

received

of Parliament

him,
a

as

any

into

an

singlecut

one

possible.

questionwhich
both

of

prospect

judgingby
freedom

he had

himself
as

introduced

into

he

not

To

clude,
con-

has

been

namely,

Houses;

to enter

that
candidly,

they were quiteas fit and prepared for

to which they had mostlybeen
slavery,

"

contrary,that the

"

but
subject,

only
larrupped

"

to have

sparinghim

properly prepared

? to which
liberty

the

with

judice
years had operatedto the prein the interim to get as
owner

negro, by tempting the

into
out of him, and pitchas much

much

himself

the

Joan

being

of them

none

allow

head.

own

insisted that the

his

was

metamorphosisby

even

He
of

he

and

the visitors

from

gentlemanthat got drunk, and

On

sober.

his

the

that

company

by

the

state

of

formally

should

say

they had been for

at an unfashionably

short notice.

BLACK

For his

own

WHITE

AND

151

QUESTION,

been

part he had

rather

pated
suddenly emancieffect
had
only

by simply steppingon Englishground ; but the

of veneration
him with profoundfeelings
to inspire

been

him

soil,and

the

towards

of the

barrowful

most

wish

that he

Juno

and

de

that instead of
is

Negro

facts,that

as

gratitude

send

over

upon

one
as

of

circumference

except

common

side of the Atlantic

"

; and

degrees. It

360

name,

with

that

under

the

Hmited

from

appears
has

on
apprenticeship

an

our

title there exists two

same

different

"

the collective wisdom

the

little or

and
as light
systems, literally
diametrically
opposite
said of the pair of gloves, They
and
of course, as the hand

right." As

sense,

great domestic

Barbadoes

or

the

it served to

Strand, by proving,

of that

member

as

both be

pickaninniesto put

family,in

of the

in Jamaica
apprenticeship

an

nothingin

beingtreated

hardly looked

has

circle which

and

could

Jamakey.

conference with Sambo

the result of my
was
in the
for the conduct of the tradesman

account

own

fervent

earth for Black

same

in

foot upon

Such

the

THE

of the country has

dark

cannot

decided

style of bindingis the correct pattern,and that the

made
follows,that our homeNegroesare properly done up," it necessarily
and
without
due
stitched,
a
articles are
provision
very loosely
to be
and durability. Assuming the sable race
for rough usage
results
London
that our
severity,it
subjectto only a wholesome
held by indentures
'Prentices and their kind, are
shamefully lax in
gence.
allowed a most
their conditions,and
are
culpablelatitude and indulin
and
the
To placethis gross partiality
shade,
strongestlight
be compared with that of those
let the servitude of the born Blacks
Africans of our own
tude
growth,"as Elia calls them, who derive their nigrihave
because
but
from
once
soot.
not from
nature
Simply
they
been whites, and are still white, or nearlywhite, once
a
year, like the
hawthorns
in May, they are
pampered by laws,
protectedand even
the
the framers of which have assuredlyconsidered their own
as
crows

that

Black

the

"

"

Let

fairest.

any

turn

one

the

to

Statute

Regis,cap. 35, intituled

their
of Chimney Sweepers and

Gulielmi

IV.

"

An

Anno

Quarto

et

for the Better

Act

and
Apprentices,"

Quinto

tion
Regulawill find

he

ClimbingBoy, comparedwith the African,is almost a spoiled

to be nabbed
child.
Instead of allowinghim
or
grabbed,anyhow
and willynilly,
like our
friend Sambo, the statute
insists,
by article 9,
of
that the bindingshall not take placewithout the concurrence
a

that the

"

or
parishofficer,

the parent,

or

friend."

next

Article

10

provides,

in the case
Sambo
of rope-yarn,
aforesaid,the
as
bindingshall only be effected with " paper or parchment,"and even
that the
article 13 declares,
before enduringsuch very mild ligatures,
that

instead

boy is to
and

of

in

be

case

regularly asked out," before

such boy shall be unwilling
to
"

parchment,""such

Justices

refuse,to sanction

or

allows the
be called

*'

practiceof

shall,and

Justices of the Peace,

be bound

they

are

"

with

paper

of

;" and before any

treating

such

boy

and

hereby requiredto

binding." The 12th

or
what, in electioneering
cases,
liking,"

approve
"

two

shall be bound

as

an

clause

would

appren-

]52

tice,
and

"

it shall be lawful

receive

for

such

time

any

of hot

suppers

said

the
And

sausages.

same

time.

The

same

more

than

four

C. S. to have

packing,which

the close

is

that the cow-heel

and

14 enacts, that

"

the

over

in all

"

bribe the said

dinners

once,

incommodes

often

favoured

the

or

trial

""

Mr.

sooterkins

liking"
Mrs.

or

nothing like
Africa

of

race

and

Chimney

or

that

so

of

not

may

Mrs.

forbids

the

of,"

sausages

apprenticeson

apprenticesat

fond

so

Mr.

clause

'

liking
plain English,

in the

in

cellar.

or
protected; but as
speciallymentioned
hear
all comto
more
plaints
or
magistrates
any two
his
ill usage, the breaking of a fife or
pan's pipes,

is

not

"

17

clause

music

for

taste

two

considerate

inconvenience

ship'shold, may
A

so

His

have,

to

or

and

tempt

Grace

minutely subdivided,clause
than
Sweeper shall not have more
the

boy
'

In

months."

elect to

sauce

be too

at

trial"

house, on

calendar
master

such

of

master

Ruggles,during eight weeks, by

Richard

cow-heel, with

delicate

intended

master's

such

for the

QUESTION.

WHITE

exceedingtwo

not

apprentice,like

AND

for the

in

boy

it shall be lawful

"

BLACK

THE

empowers
of

hard

or

of

an

head

apprentice,would

probabilityentail
exceeding10/. nor

on

the

certain to be listened to, and

be

master

fixed, by
forfeit,

405.""

The

18th

clause

16,

clause

on
enjoins,
to conunder extremely heavy penalties,
all builders and bricklayers,
struct
hard
safe and
to
comfortable
chimneys that shall not be
could
if a sweeper
terms
such very eligible
climb ;" and finally,
on
as
have anything to weep
superfluously,
for,article 15 forbids,somewhat
reader
incredulous
who
about
!
!
his crying
The
the streets !
may
Act
the
to
reference
wish
to verify this statement
itself,will
by
little
all up
in a well-conceived
find it at full length,and shown
of
The
of Law
Mechanics
volume, called
Making," by a Member
the
He
will there find too truly that, compared with
Symond's Inn.
genuineblack,the sweeper is treated by law with as much tenderness as
white
if each climbing-boywere, like the stolen Montague, a well-bom
gentleman in disguise. The tendency of such over-indulgent
young

at

not

less than

"

"

"

"

spoilthe youth of this country is evidenced in the fact,

ant,
for a black assistwhilst the planterwill give a considerable
sum
white
articled pupil is hardly acceptableas a present, and in
a

enactments

that

most

to

like

cases,

given alongwith

Richard
him

to

Ruggles, must
purchase him

is worth
therefore,the matter
and
parish officers;whilst
guardians,

economy,
and
to

all will

imperativelyinsist that

if the

have
master.

the

handsome

premium

As

matter

mere

consideration

the advocates
blacks

cannot

of
be

of

of

parents

equaljustice
treated

like

For my
own
part,
whites, the whites ought to be treated as blacks.
I cannot
as
a
simple admirer of consistency,
help thinking that the
whole
requires
as
system of apprenticeship,
regardsits home practice,

rigorous revision, and above

all,that
IV.
et
GuHelmi
Quinto
Quarto
Regis,cap. 35, with
clauses,ought to be immediatelyrepealed.

to

undergo

the

act

all its

Anno

sweeping

154

STANZAS

From

o'Groat's

John

ON

End

Land's

to

COMING

else belongsto Manhood

What
still?
I'm old enough to make
my will

search,
I have

To

not

rod, pole,or perch,

one

common-right for

Not

is Man's

what

Then

Six feet

by

When

the

tap

wine

But

I do not

grass

toasts

board forsake !
don't

"

foolish

which

At

Before

this

the

cut

And

prate about

Just

o'er my

And

I know

That

Away ! if this be Manhood's

forte.
by the sherryand the port

where

To

praise.
days.

you
and

returns

my

great

Manors

"

for me,

as

gain no

From

"

the
justify

horrors here

What

thingsof

To

roast

blessed

morn

Would
No

be

no

banners

hoist

no
marquee
think when

What

new

like

too

Pitch
But

bonfires make

a bullock for my
in the country have

Who

sake,

"

man

no

gun
fun

no

"

"

debts

Sign,draw, accept, as majors do

free to lose my freedom
For want
of due assets.

And

too

Or

of age, to ask Miss Ball,

that great heiress,
Miss Duval,

To

go to

am

own

for life.

"

anything,

like this !

tell me,

happy morn

No

the thorn,

sign of May
Love

Had

Make
Who
And

and

Beauty

about

"

"

Bacchus

both

unborn?

shape ?
Kate FinnertyI
sweet
answer,
lads of Trinity
!
answer,
sipp'dwith me Divinity,
quaff'dthe ruby grape !

No

flummery

No

three times

church,hump, squint,
and all, Because

And be my
But put such

or

"

Press

Till this dull,cold,wet,

Make

U,

Pump

toast

the

"

coming thus of age.

o'er
this sorry page.
turning
Was
Nineteen
so far from sage?
young
Or young
Eighteen from bliss ?

Were

"

I O

Church

And

his !

Engagements, bonds, and

the

"

the Ring,
Drink Aldgate

Nay,

"

Twenty-One

delightsare

free to give
my

trumps)

drink,oh drink "the King."

must

Reform

Before

What
is the moral legalfact
Of age to-day,I'm free to act
For self free,namely, to contract
I'm

quiz ;

devise
is

stake.

no

let off

"

far from

are

discord,dowdies, dumps,
Death, dockets,debts,and duns !

Dan.

to

"

festive cup

What

If you
barrels broach

"

Domestic

peppercorn.

No

"

pipes!

merry

humps,
(Discretion's
Days

born

ground this

Beersheba

no

"

are
conjuredup !
bitter bite and sup.
Poor wretched
Twenty. One's!
No
landed lumps, but frumps and

descend

the Man."

not

was

dance

rustic sport

no

"

To

estates

make

of
quit-rent

And

ring of bells

rent-roll gaze,
returns.

Boyhood's legalend,
can
easily
comprehend

How

"

No

"

here is

And

But

up

die.

to

flowerygarlands no bouquet
No BirthdayOde to sing or say
To me
it seems
this is a day
For bread and cheese and swipes.

spurns.

term

vacant

sum

want

No

speechesmake.

reason

my

happy

underneath,
let me
breathe,

waters

Put

No
or

codicil

nothingto bequeath

in all candour

And

cake,
No

I have

In earth, or

and

in turf I lie.

bone.

the feast ! The

Reserve
Ne'er

dust and

am

ass

Before

Alas!

and

of mould

two

or

goose
Estate?

valid clause

With

rent, or tithe to church.

my
I can
call my own.

pay
That

AGE.

OP

I'm

I like

not

then from

flowerylips,
hip-hip-hips,
full of pips

three and

ripeand

"

littlegreen.

their shelves, To put me

reasons
on
on
ray solemn oath.
To tell the truth between
If sweep-likeI could
ourselves,
stop my growth,
I'm one
of those contented
elves
I would
remain, and nothingloth,
Who
do not want
a wife.
A boy
about nineteen.
"

My friends,excuse
I

Were

Go

to

And

And

break

your

Thro'

NEVER

in the

was

misfortune.
and

For

creatures,I cannot
It is

to

occupy.
but
fellows,

me

as

and

laddie."

"

once,

Song,

which

I must

all

of

the

short

my

some

sort

the

was

sake

hands

your

few

tied.

are

not

are

other in

an

philosophical
of my

are

men

fellow-

You

destined

above

Egg-Premiership;a place

not

are

your
without

absolved from

turning.
irregular
glimpse I had
I

was

raised to it,

merely made a
Chancery, not injurious
London, with a suavityof
I

in

answer

and lo ! the Recorder

interests,
peculiarto himself,announced

in due time I

consider

ever

do, with

so

of the short
description

or

enough

imperfectopportunityI

and

which
situation,

political
vice,for you

brief

Scottish

givea
while I was
in PilloryPower.
things,
to high stations,by my
men
are
errors.

many
mistake of

manner

sort

sure

it in.

buy

and

men

to

elevated

Estate,"I'm

ROBINS.

as
things,
courtingexperiencefor

placein which

the established

of

Man's

I shall not

MU.

pillorybut

but lament

that
enjoyedof filling

Robins
"

PILLORY.

the wood,

and

pin.

all festive stuff!

advertise and puff

"

PORTRAIT

lookingat

inquiring
eye,

Let

Let

My

THE

barelyworth
then with

Away

with carols !

winds

FANCY

And

"

elephantson spits
Lincoln tillhe splits,

into St. Vitus' fits,

dance

And

duke's,

"

of

Tom

Ring

or

son,

the Vatican of Meux

broach his biggestbarrels

Impale whole

ah ! too well you know my lot,

Ancestral acres
greet me not.
My freehold's in a garden-pot,
But

these rebukes !

me

monarch's

155

PILLORY.

THE

of
to

me

installed into office!

my

intended

promotion,

156

PILLORY.

THE

It

was

Those

havingwashing into

the comfort of
It

about

was

hour

little urchins

innocent

the

noon,

the

bargain.

placed,like a statue, upon

probably chosen out of consideration
of school,for they are
then let out
I

when

pedestal;an

wooden

that is to say, it rained in torrents.

mate
boardingand lodginglike mine, can esti-

pillory
;

had

have

who

only

the

day for

fine

was

my
to
a

fond of shying,pitching,
jerking,pelting,
flinging,
notoriously
in
all
of
its
branches.
The
slinging ^in short, professors throwing
firstwith, a north front,and there I was
me
publicofficerpresented
like a cock at Shrovetide,
in
or
the mark !
a
God save
lay-figure
!
a Shooting
Gallery
Stones began to spit mud
commenced.
to mizzle
storm
The
and
then came
thickened into a shower.
Now
dead
a
cabbage-stalks
would
hit
anon
sometimes
the
an
kitten
a living
cur
me
on
;
egg
eye,
in
offence I was
an
obligedto wink at. There is a strangeappetite
A
fellow-creature.
kind for peltinga
China-man
human
travelling
race

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

actuallythrew
a

twopence

away

treated

huckster
Billingsgate
stale

too

means

halfpence of the

schoolboyswent

and his Donkey, who

monger
and for nothing else. I confess
this

me

have

pitch at

with

purchased in

be

to

to

few

suppliedthem

not
herrings,

St. Giles's

towards

with

me

while

the

the

support of
with eggs fit for

pipkin ;
by any
weekly
Coster-

throwing,

descriptionof

last

if missiles they might

missiles,
called that never
miss'd,

be

annoyed me

than

more

rest; however, there

I

was

stand,takingup

my

remedy.
to

and
as

a
a

There

vile

liveryit

all the
no

was

was

forced

livery,
or,

;
"

ing
be-

expressedit,

wag
made

free of the

Pelt-

mongers."
It

was

time

resources.
my
of
somewhere

by

to
I

an

dint of mental

had

rendered
of

the

appeal
had

read

who,
Italian,
abstraction,

himself

rack,and

the executioners

to

scious
uncon-

while

WHAT

BE

MUST

MUST.

tugging,
and
sinews, and
wrenching,twisting,dislocating,
breakingjoints,
bones,was perchancein fancy only performinghis diurnal Gymnastics,
or
undergoingan amicable Shampooing. The pillorywas a milder
than the rack,and I had naturallya livelyimagination
instrument
; it
seemed plausible,
shift to be peltedin my
that I might make
therefore,
from pain,I selected
To attain a scene
absence.
remote
as
as
possible
one

that

of absolute
Persian

were

pleasurefor
Paradise, the

the

experiment;
Garden
of Gul,

no

other,in truth, than

at

the

Feast

of Roses.

Flapping the wings

those Bowers

of

"

But, alas,for

only
a

rank

flyingcat

full

at

all my

at

each

abstraction !
next

my

might,I

with Houri

high romps

Flingingroses

mental

stone-like vehemence

with

Fancy

Bliss,and

of

157

PILLORY.

THK

in
speedily

was

and

Peri,
"

other."

The

first bud

very

hit

me

with

rose, of the cabbage kind, breathed

in another moment
the claws of

cabbagefragrance
; and
scratched

peltin the

back

me

into

myself ;

and

there I

was

again,in

!
pillory

My first fifteen minutes, the only quarter I met with, had now
turned
towards
the East.
The first object
elapsed,and my face was
fell
of
and
I confess I
a
one
was
Macadamization,
heap
eye
upon
my
of stones
the number
in such a hillock,
never
thoughtof calculating
tillI

the mob

saw

to cast
preparing
be lithographed
on

expectedto
that the only way
me
and
head
hands, and
I

to

save

abused

No
the

Pillory!"burst
Fishwoman,

who

Instinct

spot !

by dying;

so

suggestedto

droppingmy

last eye with a terrific groan, I

took eflPect. Supposing me
to be

closing
my

expiredfor
Shame!

the

up !

life was

my

the present. The

ruse
mob
kill
refused to
defunct,the

them

Shouts

me.

from

rated

all

of

"

Murder

quarters. The
the Schoolboys;

! Shame

Pipkin-monger

they in turn fell

groaningat the whole

who
was
Costermonger,
hissingand
Constable took the whole group
a philanthropic
assembly ; and finally,
taken
time I was
into custody. In the mean
down, laid with a sack
and
in
off
driven
to
a
a
over
me
cart,
Hospital,
body seeming a
my
St.
Bartholomew's
St.
to
but
or
Thomas's,
present
very proper
my
clothes fitfor nothingbut Guys

foul of the

"

constable's

miscellany.

166

IN

1IOVTN6

Our

Crummie

When

In

Song.

Scotch

"

May,
Ladies,greatand grand,

and

Lords

Repair to
In

dainty cow."

that first Saturdayin

On

Has

is

HOUSE.

SOMERSET

AT

EXHIBITION

SINGULAR

CIRCLES.

FIRST

THE

each R.

what

see

A.

they soughtthe Strand,

red,brown, yellow,green, or blue,
short,what's call'd the privateview,
since last

done

the

Amongst
She

"

without

in there

got

There

came

With

arms

one

Unless

From

not

wall

Stamp'd

to

for

guess

perchanceto

Elbow'd

"

Lord

why
scour

"

to make

Stafford's toes

The

great Lord

Duke

received

him
a

felt her

the Vice, his

And

pinch to
in this stir.
ladies,

highestrank

Grey"
move,

shove ;

nudge.
Honour, budge.
Park the Judge.

Chancellor

She made

The

she came,
the Paint."

she forc'd her way,

Durham
pok'd Lord

Devonshire's

gave
for the

Saint

wall

And

As

face the same,

deep red,and

could

row-

vulgardame

largeand

Showing in temper
No

how

knows

the deuce

guests

gave

way

to her.

SINGULAR

From

EXHIBITION

number

and

one

She search'd the

benches

On

SOMERSET

AT

number

159

HOUSE.

two,

picturesthroughand through,

the high ones,

stood, to inspect

And

squatteddown

And

as

she went

to

the

scan

shy

ones.

from

part to part,
became,
Her very eyes lit up in flame.
each looker-on
That made
exclaim,

deeper red each

ardent

"

Really an
Alas, amidst
Fate

her

love of art !"

inquisition.

broughther to
might have

She

stillhave

And

ah ! her

But

She

againstLord Milton,

stared at deeds in oil,

to spoil.
picture-joy

Mr.

on

Woman

where,

"

"

Says woman,
There's

!"

Set off with

?"

in the Exhibition.

Cow

Cow

No

Cow

expedition.

no

?"

wicket

is David's

with

Said Mr.

ticket.

throughour

Where

now

is your

woman,

ought to let you

That

How

"

d out

last thus stammer

"

Hilton.

Keeper mute, with staring

eyes.
for surprise.
a lay-figure

Like
At

sad condition ;

run

full butt

came

The

*'

cheek

^but here her

"

tongue in verity.
rail celerity

and

steam

"

Cow, then the more's the shame and pity

!
Hang you and the R. A. 's,and all the Hanging Committee
No Cow
but hold your tongue,for you need'nt talk to me
You
it ought to be
talk
can't
up the Cow, you can't,to where
I have'nt seen
a picture
high or low, or any how.
Or in any of the rooms
?
to be compared with David's Cow
You may talk of your Landseers,and of your Coopers,and your Wards,
Why hangingis too good for them, and yet here they are on cords !
They'reonly fit for window frames, and shutters,and street doors,
David will paint'em any day at Red Lions or Blue Boars,
Cow

No

! there an't

no

"

"

"

"

Why

Morland

But

I know

But
Do

you

David

it a'nt

it

made

If it

only hung

Why

can't it

Or do you
If

now

the

on

think it
has

and

what

well

to vent

hung
it

at

up

I could cry

"

party

three

poor

then you
where

up, to

and

come

"

the

crueltyand

bye, if you

and

sow

about

Cow

they're
jealousof

"

thing,is

cannot

David's

fame,

shaine.

hang

it

now

cut

him

for

down

their tastes

have

to

his Cow.

see

example to the learners.

turn about, with that pictureof Mr. Turner's
Mr. Etty, you need apprehend a row.

days a week,

up,
from

is,and why

Cow,

little pig or

him,

might hang bye

hang

think

I can't think

fool to

was

It's reallyhard

an

hang

up

been, to

David^s

not

have

Cow
such

creature,

160
*

I say,

Although
It must

be

I daren't
As

Or

was

down

"

and

be

the

three

may

room

Graces
the

haven't

The

"Water-Colour

no

not

much

so

all the

where

care.

stair.

the

figuresstand,

might

justhold it in her hand

favour

would

up

David's

I vow,

neck, a-coming up

Bailey'sCharity
reallybe a charityto hang

"We

it's got the Cow

I should

man's

stone

Nature

than
prettier

was

for Mr.

seen,

be

It would

it

say,

hung,
unless
catalogue,

in the marble

of them

one

to

not

HOUSE.

SOMERSET

AT

shall be

the

home

there

"Where
Or

hung

take

that should

it
only want
only round

we

If it

EXHIBITION

SINGULAR

"

allow,
cow.

don't hang it
else to go if you
place allows no oilman to appear

where

here,

"

Gerrard
Douw,
Gallery sticks to Dutch,
Cow
Suffolk
And
vnll
do
it's
not
not a
the Suffolk Gallery
:
his
he
took
I wish you'd seen
him
meals
hardly
paintingher,
Till she was
from head to heels ;
the
correct
board
painted on
him
His heart and soul was
in his Cow, and almost made
shabby,
He
the babby.
hardly whipp'd the boys at all,or help'dto nurse
And
he had her all complete and painted over
when
red,
He got so grand, I reallythought him going off his head.
Now
hang it,Mr. Hilton, do just hang it any how.
Poor David, he will hang himself,unless you hang his Cow.
And
if it's unconvenient
and
drawn
too big by half
And

the

Teniers,and

British

"

"

"

David

sha'nt send

next

year

except

BEEF

A-LA-DAUBE.

very

little calf.

162

YEOMANRY.

THE

have
*surely

offer of

the

embraced

being let

of
alacrity

the

off with

gunpowder ! And yet lie

in the receipt
was
a regular,
and with the pect
prosand opportunity,
so

of pay,

to

rare

our

of

yeomanry,

winninglaurels,and

ing
cover-

glory!
It has been
argued,on
as a reason
high authority,
the troops in
for retaining
that
question, they are the
himself with

constitutional

most

force

that could be selected ; and

ness
robusttrulyof their general

there

be

can

but

one

if

opinion. However,
domestic

kept up,
advisable,
to
humane, and fair,

ought
would
and

force of the kind

be

to

it not be

give

the

body

mftnufacturing
turn, and

form
I

of

sedentary
other
and
who
weavers
artisans,
door exercise ? The farmer,
from

troops

VISH

VE

COULD

so

much

BE

DISBANDY

D.

the

nothingof the

enough,to say

stand

the nature

more

in need

of out-of-

of his business,
has Field

and thro wingsoff he

charges

Days

ing
enjoysin hunt-

and

the

besides ridingperiodically
to and from market, or
coursing,
fairs. Indeed,the true Englishyeoman
is generally,
neighbouring

thanks

to these

sportsand

employments, so constantlyin the saddle,

that instead of volunteering
into any cavalry,it might be supposed he
be glad to feel his own
would
and enjoythe household
legs a little,
comforts

of the

chimney-comerand

I have
effectiveness,
for

had

the

On

charge,and

another

regardstheir

As

pleasureof seeinga troop fire at

silver cup ; and

subscription
inclined to roast
them, their own
a

purpose.

the elbow-chair.

it convinced

Jire was

occasion I had
succeeded

me,

the very

target

that if I had
best

one

felt

for my

the

of beholding
a
gratification
be
it
themselves,
dispersing
may

they
Still there
they might possiblydo as much
by a mob.
seemed hardly excitement enough or amusement
enough,except to the
hunting
in such playingat soldiers,
to induce honest,hearty,foxspectators,
To tell the truth, I
veterans.
farmers,to wish to become
have heard before now,
from
practical
agriculturists,
repentant grumblings
who
had too rashlyadopted the uniform, and have
seen
even
as

in

inferred that

their horses

betrayan

therefore is my
so

for

inclination to back

surprise

on

out

of the line.

all accounts, to hear that

the

The

more

Yeomanry

are

unwillingto be dispensed
with, and relieved from inactive service ;
the
of
tells
Soldier tir'd of war's alarms,"there
a
us
though
song
"

doubt that to

18 no

world is to have
the

In

the

of

the

I had

amongst the farmers' wives.

throughthe old

trumpet,
lady's

hearingshe had had for many

and horses
unsettled both men
"

too, and when

they went

the

to

longday !

it took

had

but

to be bored

her

The

home

as

back
Wake, only old Roger came
They had more sense, however, than

was

slashed with sword

that

in his

do

mischief

no

he'd think

he brandished

and

was

whether

he

no

thoughttoo
a

to his

the

on
as

if

Com
there
either

six would

neighbours
; and

after

and
up in his stirrups,
off all the hollyoaks
nothingof slivering

much

so

of

and
himself,

he

was

littleof his

too

tumble

crusty,and when

him

morning.
put

pistol. Then

cut
practising,

with the yeomanry,

always got
without a fall. What
the year together
was

made

since he

flourished up the front garden. Another thing,

the accidents ; she could'nt tell how it was,
was
trifle,

but he

by

the next

and

bearinghim, it put him

cominghome,

and that

off his

head

with

and

him, or

to

there
reviewing
on

the news,
the

it was

Sogeringwork

husband's

dread

the constant

come

"

him,
hectoring
swaggeringway
in
and
the
about
politics,
especially
agree

got

did'nt

everybodythat
was

all feel in

popularmeasure

exclaimed,that

say they had all 'listed.

to be disbanded
their master, for they all wanted
been the same
As for the master, he'd never
man

againto

Bill,was

they

communicated

sooner

she

if

most

herself off the old mare, at the last fair,

along
it set all the farm servants
trumpet. Besides,
a-sogering

showman's

uniform;

the

it threw

and
business,
a

no

than

best

of

thingin

ascertain the sentiments

some

will be
disbanding

the

Dame,

pains to
subject,and

at

on

yeowomanry

with

common

have been

time,I

tiresome

most

at all.

alarms

no

mean

the
spirit,

soldier of

163

YEOMANRY.

THE

horse,

though he'd fox-hunt

a

worse,

fall always

crusty,he made a pointto get into

God, as yet he
crusty still. Thank

his cups, which

him more
made
her dailyprayer
had never
been of any use to his country,and it was
enemies and
that he might never
be called out, as he had so many
old grudgesin the neighbourhood,
to be murder
there would be sure
on

one

side

Parliament

For my own
part,she concluded,I think the
in
is quiteright
these hard times to turn the farmers*
the other.

or

for they have

again into ploughshares,
of wheat."
of rioters than the falling
The
rising

swords

what

out

called

she

letter from

yeomanry
and havingher permission
to make

less to

about the

care

husband's

her

it public,I have

hunted

lady then

old

brother,

thoughtproper

to

christenit

"

You

*'

Umph

Sir?"
Philiphaugh,
Major, " the less

remember
1"

REVIEW.

UNFAVOURABLE

AN

said the

we

say about

that,John, the better."

Mortality.

Old

To

Dear

Bob,

Business has

"

no

Mr.

It^s

Robert
no

use

business

Cherry^ the Orchard^

your

to

making

stand

before
m2

more

king

Kent.

and

the

barley.
coudtry,and I

stir about

164

]N!arket and

go to Ashford
Earl called out the

couldn't
The

Besides

did

Duke

through
the

everything,and

crops,

time.

same

the whole

barleyin

Kent.

^"^

go
it

Except
unfa-

more

at the

Eeview

to\"'^

troops

all the time.

rained
for

the

see

great

honour

the

us

and

come

the

Earl,

the

sightfor

lost my

have

wouldn't

attend,I

the

for a grand field day at Bumper

Yec manry
and to say nothingof its beingmy horse duty

Common,

Daggle Bottom
to

YEOMANRY.

THK

vouring day couldn't have

been
or
picked out for man
beast, and

many

has

nag

consequential
cough.
was
ground
very
good,with only one leap that
got

The

nobody took,but

the weather

terribly
against.It blew
and rained
equinoxious
gales,
like wateringpots with the
ofP. But
as
rose
somebody
was

said,one

always have
cut and dry.

cannot

their reviews

We
at

ten,

and

Common,

white,and

enough ;
am

POUR

but it'sfull six mile.

and

like
fighting

might have

we

caps, made

our

the clothes

like

hours

Bumper Daggle

is rather handsome

of

Ashford

two

was

gettingto
Bottom

from

out

set

fit,
except

them

Mr.

Bumper Da^gle'sdress
blue, having a turn-up with

all too small

Lambert's,who

but he scorned to

hussar.

"

The

called cap-a-pee,

been

shrink,and

ENDURE.

WILL

ON,

wore

for

but

P. the

Mr.

heads.

our

couldn't find
it loose

Luckily
jacketbig

his

on

tractor
con-

shoulder,

As

for arms, we
had all sorts,and as regards
horses,I
and
and
quitters,
sorry to say all sorts of legs what with splints,
a

"

and
ring-bone,

noticed,had a bad spavin,and

ramrod, which old Clinker the
blacksmith forgot
to take out of his piece.
We
mustard very strong, about sixty ^besides two volunteers,one
and the
an
because he had been ordered to ride for exercise,
invalid,
was

no

The Major's,
I
grease.
better for being fired with a

"

other

because

came.

towards

"We

once.

nothingelse to do, and he

have been a disagreeable
site to

riots I can't
guess, for he did nothingbut make
if he was
still in the thrashingmill.
But

revolutions

an't

^thoughhow

and
reglers,
of

worst

of the White

Cobb,
house,and

he

eyes as
would
horse

"

The

nothingwhen

did

is unaffected

Government,

himself,as
yomanry

he had

must

puttingdown

"

when

he

our

can't

be

mistakes

was

Horse,
came

Hopper's

to

has

expected
about

to

had

you

veterans

the cullers.

Political Union

unfurl,he

be

in

behave

Old

club meets

brouglitthe wrong

know

all at

Ensign
at

his

flag:

THE

165

YEOMANRY.

''

No.
Royal Bumper Daggle," it was
Boromongers."
the cavalry; and Old Cobb took
horse laugh among
It made a reglar
to the "White
such dudgeon at us, he deserted home
Horse, and cut
The
sword.
without
the concern
Captain ordered Jack
drawing a

instead

bung

Old

wag on the rout had stuck

off just as crusty about it as
and he gallopped

the recal to

to sound

Blower
a

"

of

him,

his trumpet ;
Our next trouble

up

Cobb.

but

sum

but

Simkin,

with

was

you

know

he is

docked
thing but Simkin and Martial. He rid one of his own
tied
had
on
a
for
sake
longregulation
waggon-horses but
appearance
tillhis four loose shoes
his horse kick astonishing,
false tale,
that made
flew off like a game at koits.
Of course
nobody liked to stand nigh
and
he
was
him,
oblig.^vs^^^^
in
ed to be drawn
^.^^^
iZ-^^sr^^.
up
order by himself,
single
but not having any one
any

"

^^

__

to, he

to talk

got

soon

of it, and
weary
the ground. This
some

deserted from

ril

we

pany,
com-

his

him,

with

seed

swear

"

that

said

bolted

but
him

his

some

"

horse

was

Dale,

for

not

left

for him

excuse

but

Up to this
spur.
had only one
more

and that was

deserter,
Marks, on his iron-grey
mare

for

her

foal

home,

heard

whinnying

and attended

that call
a

she

than

more

deaf and dumb

it

as

What

to

tmm-

Biggsdidn't

pet.

at
to

seeing

review.

his
at all ; he had
nag
waitingfor him, pistolsand all.

was

with

stole that very

come

these

goingsoff and

got in

ranks

ing,
morn-

such

disorder,
Tory, was obligedto act as a rank Reformer.
We
got into line middlingwell,as far as the different sizes of our
horses would
down
rode up and
I am
admit, and the Duke
us, and
compelled to a reprimand. Morgan Giles had been
sorry to say was
at a fox hunt
the day before,and
persistedin wearing the brush as a

that the

Earl,tho' he

feather in his cap.

out, but Morgan
into

tree

Dick, who,

and
as

gaps

our

is a

fox tails isn t

As
was

very

high,and

trotted home

Morgan

to

his
regulation,
at last threw

Wickham

Grace

up

ordered

his commission

Hall, alongwith

whipper-in,
thoughthe

was

it

under

Private

obligations

to follow his master.

We

got

Crofts' mare

thro** sword
with his

exercise

saber,which

decent

he

well,

needn't

"

only

have

Barber

done, as

shaved
she

was

166
; and

cliptbefore
and

run

course

in wet

be called out

cuts

he

stuck

and

cut

was

We

his sword

don't

objectedto

like

its sheath

to

with

correct

very

It

got safe home.

hope
thrusted,as

have

weather,

all the

thro

and

Hawksley might

what

went

slashed off his cob's off ear.

Holdsworth

her in

with

know

he

YEOMANRY.

THE

pitch;

his umbrella.

For

but
my

swished

off my left hand man's

have
been
and I apologized
but
tho'
it
feather ;
as
might
worse,
he was
foohsh enough to huff at,
horse fretting,
well as I could for my

part,candour

own

compelsto

state

galloppedhome, I suspect,to
write me
a
callingout challenge.Challengeor not, if I fighthim
of the Yeomanry.
I'm not one
An accident's
with anythingbut fists,
than
much
and
more
an
accident,
pardonable
Hawksley openinghis
blood charger
umbrella
ten
plump in the face of the Captain"'s
; and
be
officerto
carried back
for an
to
times more
willy-nilly
mortifying
of
before
Review.
middle
the
in
the
Ashford,
Luckily
Hawksley
very
hold
he
called
off
his
Mrs.
to
umbrella
was
over
frightened
more,
any
in
nine
a
nd
Mrs.
had
taken
could'nt
accommodate
ladies,
H., as
Morgan
in her close carriage,
without making it too close.
more
and

sword

After

distinct ;
fired

we

Day

shot

so

and
pistols,

didn' t fire ; but

without

broughtit down

was

I must

word

command

of

well and

say, very

he's deaf

as

I
Talkingof volleys,

post, and

sorry to say
all thro'
it was

am

but

and in the heat of

partridge,
fugelmanwe all did the same.
strong on the wing, or the troop must

shootingpony puttingup
letting
fly,and as he is our

for the bird it

Lucky

we

called out.

was

and

purpose,

old Dunn

before

one

the moment

have

he

his

on

on

exercise

only,

how

wonder

dohe

was

swear

very

the Earl looked very grave, and

; howsomever
Day did'nt choose to take from him, being a

said

something that
he went
off to his
so
qualifiedman, and takingout a reglar
license,
own
ground,where he might shoot without being called to account.
and expectation,
there was
Contraryto reason
very few horses shied at
the firing
Bluff lyingfull length,
and was
afraid it was
a
saw
; but we
bust ; but
found
his horse, being a
we
very quiet one, had run
from

away
refused

the noise.

to

he
inclind,

leave

He

the

got up

more

and

Bluff

tho' for

men,

As

for

Roper

great lightover
and

was

the

bragged how

he
village,

own

he

but

and
military
spirit,
horse objecting
to such

his knees
and

away,
wills.
could

set off full

mud,

the

stand

Swing

broke.

was

troop lost

two

fire,but seeinga

to look

after his ricks

barns.

The
I

once

he had

againsttheir

the

in

of

man

Bates ; but Bates's

threw
doublets.
As

forced to lead him

was

his back

on

ground. Being

behind

back-gammon, rear'd and

Bates

throwd

was

next
most

thingto
anxious

be done
about

and
charging,

was

that, as

many

of

us

between
could

and

you

only ride

up

me,
to

certain

pitch. As you've often been throwd you'llknow what I mean

:
to tell the truth,when
the word came,
I seed some
lay hold of their
but Barnes had better have
laid hold of any thingelse in the
saddles,
round
with him at the first start.
world,for it tumd
Simpkin fell '.
.

the

same

time

but
insensibly,

the

doctor

dismounted

and

was

ver^

167

YEOMANRY.

THE

All the
making any chargewhatever.
tho"*
or
rest went
gallopping
cantering, as they say
wonderful
at Canterbury races, their was
some
tailingon account of
the last of the lot,and
the difference of the nags.
was
Grimsby'smare
of Bristol,
called her the Mare
in chargingwe
for her backwardness
either
gallantly,

off

he took

but

the

righthe

the

word
but

but

did,

pullup,

galloppedon

matched

their

two

they

as

back,
of the

wet.

"

to like

it,for they

of

sight. I

the

nags
think

never

I suppose

and
crossing,

out

sovereign;I don't
king: but I can't write
result

such

"

seemed

farmers

two

did,and
I was
friends,

Between

left.

was

Cobb

than

better

jestno

to

came

without

him

to attend

happy

when

not

sorry
foul

have

heard

since

to

riding;

divert

had

they

miles

two

run

to

the

the rest

halted when

never

sovereignshould

wheel'd

we

and
josling,

before

day

when

for

his

from

man

the

came

account

on

The

rains,to
speak cavalrylike,had got
beyond bearingrains; and
when
it

like

was

clothes

on

again

laundress's
there wasn't

it.

on

lame

line

line,for
shirt

dry

formed

we

One

man

rode

horse

particularly
jected
ob-

restive, and
in such
to

critical weather

longreview^

He

wouldn't

be

bus'd,he

said,for Duke

Devil, but
horse

should
and

up
blue

the

moror

his

put
home

go

by

Stage; by
he

answer

cholera

was

his

give up

he

off

it

as

to

and

arms

jacket,which
hand

of

way
ordered

did

his
very
wet

was

OBJECTION

AN

thro'.

Howsomever

it

thought prudent
formed
short
which
On

into

every

circle

speech

"

for

reviewingthe

been very
on

were

and

much

that had

Hunting
mounted

kept his

thing might
day,

to say

nothingof
three

blamed

on

the

have

THE

LINE.

weather, so

the

gave

three

been

seven
rose

forgotto
I

am

lame

among

after
soldier-like,

are

on

uncommonly

amiss

for life. The

the

in

us

but
gratifying,

very

and

thanked

was

we

cheers.

agues
the horses that are

and

their hunters.

all,as

seat

asthmas

dead

under

day, which

left at the end of

till fine

us

square, and the Duke

and loyal,and
regular,

Field

are

CROSSING

9 bobble

the

there

"

dispensewith

being so

man

the whole

numerous,
and colds

to

TO

was

with

coffs

Earl has

for fixing
privates,

dozen
that
a
away
few
to say there was
so

say, carried

sorry
to suffer themselves to be hissed into the town

168

YEOMANRY.

THE

by the little boys and gals,and called the Horse Gomerils ; and that
Not
that
consequentlythe corpse as a body, is as good as defunct.
there were
resign'dat the end of the review, as his Lordship
many
the followingday to the troop : but I am
sorry
gave a grand dinner on
the
unhandsome
to throw
as
to say, a great many
so
was
up
very day
of
not
them
The common
was
after.
liking
excuse
something
among
their
swords
their
to wet
countrymen.
against
For

part

own

my

the

as

cannot

yomanry

would
of spirit
honorably,and as any man
what
afraid of my
attendingMarket, come
best

at the

go on, I shall stick to it

do in my case
; but dont be
the barley
will,and selling

quotation.
dear

I am,

Brother,

Your's

and

the Coloners

to

command,
Cherry.

James

P.S.

"

tell what

forgotto

ride with

small

act in divisions.

Some

is,I

and

cavalry;
the

from

I have

the

to

but

it

keep
Troop

They

say

they

in

and

as

in
the

ready to

were

hour

an

didn^t

we

after

time,

everything
"

None
postponed.
the brave," they said,

was

but

it

the

the

seems

stood

they thought

"

of

ordered

rain till they

drop;

of

lard,
Bal-

it.

on

come

wish

more

left before

excuse,

B=-

Lancers.

ground;

came

y^'^SSi

ears.

farmers

the

nine

was

they

prick his

it

as

just learned

and
men,

wouldn't

hop grounds want

be Polish

to

Barlow

horse

his

made

is like to

infantry instead

be

to

laugh.

you

because,he said,they

spurs,

poor corps,
understand

Our

will make

deserve the fair ;" and

was

attend

The

fair,they

till

wouldn't

mare

places,and

you

OFFICERS.

PEACE

again.
lent

Ballard,I

am

sorry to

say,

got

kicked

in several

give her a
swim
in the sea, and I am
her we
still more
sorry to say, in swimming
drowndcd
her.
As for
afraid he has got stringown
my
nag, I am
halt ; but one
comfort is,I think it diverts him from
kicking.
had

her

shoulder

put

out

; we

was

advised

to

170

IM

GOING

TO

BOMBAY.

VIII.

chance

only

And

married

She's
With

swears

I'm

going

She
But

to

Indian

their

thank

stars

my

can

dine, the

On

doolies

going

Indian

and
to

"

the

air and

buy some
toy,
In my
own
palankeens,
I like to drive my
pony-chair.
Or ride our
dapple grey
But
elephantsare horses there
I'm going to Bombay
!
"

COURT

AN

the
or

Nichol, Scott, and

Docks,

Third

heart is full

my

"

and

caps

for

freight,
Gray
"

applied and seal'd

going to Bombay !

trunks

made

fate

my

as

"

well ;

up,

shap'd by Mrs. Bell,

promised ere I sup ;

corsets

With

boots

And

dresses

I'm

OK

London

has

And

"

ship,the Fox,

Bird,

sail

mind

fault,

teak-built

new

Commander

"

Are

"

THF.

fine

Bombay

To

My
My
My

"

take

going

Pa
I'm

enjoy,says that I shall much

I don't know
what she means,

vault,

in salt,it's all his

lying in the
on
May
Apply for passage

"

steep

to

!
tear

Indian

Or

Will

She

To

an

Now

quite,

way.

bungalows
Bombay !
on

find

tiger'sprey.

A.I.

knows

rupees, who

eat

Mr.

to

them

sadder

fall a

That

delight

treats,

costs

parents dear,
to

Or
I'm

she likes may

turn
me
outlandish
meats."
strange

Or
I'm

Mars,

bye,

If I should

pay,

ought to
Bombay!

oh, what

Good

"

of

son

And

what

Their
If I

match.

friends, farewell

My
hot,

so

that I shall much

says
taste

to

is

handsome

very

And

To

lighta

to

sure

Farewell, farewell, my

snatch.

to

the climate

says

It's

Hyderapot

writes from

cousin

My
My

and

shoes, Rivarta's bo"^

by Duce,
a speciallicense in
going to Bombay !

INDIAN

PRINCF.

my

chest

"

171
BEFORE

LOOK

YOU

LEAP,

"Fallen,fallen,fallen."" Dryden.
father

My

suppliedthe

being what is called a serious tallow-chandler,

having
of Nantwich
with dipsfor manyBaptistMeeting-house

make
years, intended to
books were
plays,my

me

me

me,

I
lords,"

their

have

must

been

the young

debt, and

applyingto

she, as

through all space.

used to rehearse my
had studied
we

lady who

London,

to

seen

where, after
"

ladies wish

the managers

to

for leave

the

grows"

the grass

"

proverbis

musty bread

nothingbut

somewhat

which

on

musty,

to feed my

"

make

to

describe to you the neglectand rudeness

It did not abate my
enthusiasm ; but so true it

love

be who

I will not

dehid.

my

experienced
is, while
I

"

that I had

hopes,and

soon

wife.
hopeful

burningspringday

One
I

began

my picturedoes but scantyjustice.

but secondary considerations;
but a

be

came

in

was

manent
per-

to which

largetheatres these may

figuresymmetricalas mine
I eloped with
Accordingly,
till I
together

have

You
would
not
soliloquies.
with
then,
largedark eyes, my
my

In

and

Alas ! mi/

sermons

wondered,had you seen

nose, and a mouth

heroines with

minister.
field-preaching

roved

fields

far

as

Greenwich,
hand, went

near

in

and, book

the

as

throughRomeo, though
but

shy audience,
sheep all took to

to

for the

trotters, and

their
crows

not without

(That

caics.

let who

mine,

joke was

the

wings,and

to their

will have claimed

it.)
somebody

Suddenly

hissed; it could

sheep,and

the
were

no

geese

stant
that in-

At

near.

be

not

man,
very elegant
behind
from
stepping
a

tree,thus accosted
"

Sir,
with

you

me

"

heard

have

delight.

I
THEATRICALS.

PRIVATR

can

you

procure

not

by
by

slow

perhapsfor
in the

snake

the

Romeos,

gra^s."He

but

now

lookingheartilyashamed

away,

all

greatactors

pointedout
of

and

himself.

Company
continued, Mr. Richardson
I have sketched
I am
here,
his scene-painter
see
;
''

attitude.

Come

with

but, unluckily,
my

me."

powers

We

have

now

are

went

being suited

to

the

for

the
The

risen

attacked

has, at his outset,been

the best of them

and
degrees,

some

slunk

an

gagement,
en-

who
reptile,

gentleman

actingat the

you in your
I was
booth.

fair.

happiest

largerstage,so

hired
over-

172

LOOK

BEFORE

LEAP.

YOU

powered my present audience,that

taken

was

of all

out

speaking

Nevertheless,
parts,for fear of fatal consequences.
my
grace in processions
much
that
raised so
in the autumn
soon
jealousyagainst
me,
Master

recommended

twice

much

as

but
curtain,

shifters.
of

us

one

of the

Minors

in town,

where, for

I was
never
salary,
expected to appear before the
useful
the carpentersand scenemyself
among
Christmas,duringthe rehearsal of a Pantomime, four
of a
to catch an
Harlequin,each to hold the comer

make

to

That
set

were

to

me

blanket,and

be

ready
jump through

for

his

the

scene.

Alas!

one

gentleman brought his

pot, and one his pipe,
and

third

the

for

Two

nation
incli-

an

snooze.

asleep,and

were

drainingthe

one

drops of

stout

pewter.

from

leapcame

held
up-

from

boards,when

the

the awful
us, like

on

star-shoot.

the

alone

comer

my

last

still

see

the

momentary gleam of
that
strait,spangled,
gure.
fish-like,
head-longfib
tle,
otCan, candle,

pipes,all
beneath

the

bler.
heavy tum-

With
of

crashed

torrent

we
apologies,

up, in the

NKGLECTING

bled
scram-

dark,to

up
"

we

were

justice,
yet
!
Help ! Lights

more
no

The

CiTCH.

as

For

he.

voice in the boldness

We

voice.

alive ; there

broken

are

looked

lay another

an

instant all

I resolved to
!"

up;

"

And

us

ghost

we

tmth

was,

were

he

soon

had

convinced,as

thrown

at

us

the

his

to shout

all yours shall

there stood

under

magic

stuffed

was

givemyself

of innocence

us, without
peepingthroughthe blanket of the dark. That

over

was

dead!

breathless

All his bones

be, ye dogs!"cried
ever

as

found

to

raise the fallen hero ; but there he lay,on his

out spread,as we
could feel,
without sense,

face,with legsand arms

and
or
sound, or motion,cold,stiff,
horrid silence ;

IN

JOIN

TO

one
a

quin
Harle-

chance

the

of

speaker

bat battered

Harlequin used

us.

in

neck.
I
before he risked his own
flyingascents,to try our vigilance,
felt,
however,that I mighthave been of a party who had killed a man.
It was
for being in such a place,with
a judgment on
me
any less
than that of acting
excuse
I took my
wife and babe back to
Romeo.
Cheshire.
We
knelt at my father''sfeet,promisingto serve
in the
it was
of his meltingdays ; he raised us to his
shop ; fortunately
one
arms,

"

we

formed

tableau

generale
"

and the curtain

dropped.

273

ODE
rt)

flocks and

Sweepingour
0

out
clearing
plantingfurther off

aim

And

at

Permit

Douglas.

"

apology
"

the Smithfield pen,

its vile Zoology

thus

me

MARKET.

"

make

not

herds."

SMITHFIELD

men

PHILANTHROPIC

For this address I need

Who

OF

REMOVAL

THE

FOR

ADVOCATES

THE

"

to

tell,

1 like your efforts well,

Hornithology!

of

routingthat greatnest

For

althoughrepulsedat first,
dismay'd,
And
driven from their Horse, and Pig,and Lamb
parts,
burst,
Charge on ! you shall upon their homworks
their
and
all
Btdl-warks
their
And
JRaw-parts.
carry
Be

not

"

!
on, ye wholesale drovers
the Smithfield flocks and herds !
drive away
Go

And

As
That

come

Off with
Our

so

Tartar-Curds,

as

fat,and

them

and
streets,

And
From

wild

all !
"

from
kicking,

those restive

plunge,and
save

beingcow*d

"

"

brutes,that

lunge,and

the female

like Id

their clovers,

sex

^bythe

vex

butt, and

cattle !

battle ;

174

ODE.

Fancy, when droves appear on

from its top,
Holborn, roaring
ladies ^ready,
as
they own, to drop,
"

The

hill of

Your

"

"

Takingthemselves

to Thomson's

with

Scared

Or, in St. Martin s Lane,

by a Bullock,in a friskyvein,

Fancy

the terror

Fear-on

"

Into
To

daughters,

rushing

souse

coffee-house.

find it

s !
Slaughter

"

fancy this

Or

timid

of your

While

"

Walking alongthe street,some

Her
When

You

head

with

such

no

suddenly'tis

"

strangerMiss,
thoughtof dangerladen,

Aries Taurus

Latin,I

don't know

Into your

Areas

Think

Treated,justlike

of
a

some

CATTLE

SEK

poor

penny,

Cow

Cross !

old

with

that vile spot now

So generally
known
a

"

translate it ergo,
the Maiden !

At

making

Virgo !

Bull throws

For

crone

toss !

grown

"

selves far ofiPfrom stall,

Nay, fancy your own
and that an Ox infuriate
Or shed, or shop
Just pins you to the wall,
Giving you a strong dose of Oxy-Muriate !
"

The
Thus
"

make

But

the

"

this brutal

e'en

their

put

But

others' victuals

That

from

?
,

they

regard

should

disturb

don't want

do doze

we

We

at

oxen

roar

Through
run

Such

are

The

Oh

in all the

the

Think

Think

nobody
of the

Think, too,
When

Show

woman,

Three
Think

of Messrs.

live

see

their

keep

Basan,"

of

Wake

to

her

what

Through, to

ones

shows

Dwarf,"

Thumb,

of birch

to

her off!

keep
and

Richardson

Co.,

publicprivateboxes,

in the back

Orchestra, when

accompany

ones

come

Tom

row

two

the double

"

feasts,

mild

far from

the Wild

see

annual

and
sheep'sheads, a porker's,

of their

Young

our

beasts.

red Cow

broom

'

let^stake

now

to

"

swallow

To

rung.

giveshis

of

cares

lookingat
-

wish

fierce tame

forc'd with

or

"

much

To

mad

sleepers

that

Seeinga
And

us

rmnp-us

Night Thoughts

Bulls

"

of these

Such
That

jump

to

bad

d awake

Wombwell

! when

think

our

bullocks
'

of

woes

of those

woes

doors

^itreallyis too

"

constantlyare

That

and

start

like,ourselves,a steak.

But, Sirs,for pity'ssake

If

rest.

our

sleept/our food should

our

"We

We

digest;

can

hard

as

case

That

their bellows.'"'

with

needs

must

w^e

The

unable

"

freelysup

up
if

troubles

own

"

Babel,

troubled

that too

Folks

Must
"With

that live apart

for you
To hear

are
firesides

o\a

their civic fellows

appeal unto

"*Tis well

live round

neighboursthat
Market-ground

I hear

Methinks

an

horns
drum

Ox's
come

If6

ODE.

Or^

midgt

in the

And

enter

and

the

Ghost

when

Just
A

of murder

rent

great

tall skeletons

two

Great

Philanthropies!

Upon

the

Get
The

is certain,

curtain,
of Horses

"

these

pray urge
of the
Councils

Solemn

topics!

Nation,

Bill soon, and give,some

noon.
Bulla, a Bull of Excommunication

Let the old Fair

And
Ye

in the

remorses.

shall be

have

Dio

with

and

Giants

and

show

Richardson's
"

EXCOMMUNICATION.

fair-playas

to each

treated

To

OF

BULL

its

right,

sight
List

Free

latitude

Stage Dramas,

Cosmo

ramas,

"

wild,

Indians

and

Dwarf,
And

that

most

rare

Sea

Bear,

of Shows

and
"

Fat
a

Show

Child,
of Gratitude

178

P0"

DRAWN

SOLDIER.

miseryof the

the

"

remembered

in transports !
I told them

and
expedition,
their
soldiers'wives at seeing

of the Walcheren

gate, the embarkation

well

too

husbands

"

that,at the very worst, if I should be sent abroad,there

no
reason
was
why I should not return again; but they both declared,
of the
believe in those
Returns
would
did,and never
they never
"

Wounded/*

Killed and

discussion

The
Ibud

in this

was

at Brussels

cannon-shot

of the memorable

before

; and

ourselves,a strappingSerjeantentered
ribbons in his
rather rain-bow, of party-coloured
or

said,to

by

the

offer

The

abashed
him

examine

lengthof
campaigns of

the

on

the

wounds,

doubtless

Hounslow,

to

his sleeve.

stripeson
to

foolish

prevailupon

fellow,he assured
indifferent

was

"

and

son

came,

Who

and
?"

husband

this turn

Ladies

but he

began

abroad,and

Militia-man

the

He

cap.

breath,

same

enough at

his services

huge bow,

preventedfrom reply

was

anxious

two

to

was

cross-

the number

having been

of

confined

his

of unusual

me,

in the

recover

bodilymarks militant to the three

voured
he endeaquestions
Parrying these awkward
fine
the
a
to see
me
proposedproxy,
young
and

pointwith
he

short whether

the

when

substitute for

Serjeantlooked

poor

still more

an

; but

me

indignantfemales askinghim

did he think could be

what

his

substitute for

to that

us

could

we

with
the parlour

he

another

by
interrupted

was

report equalin its effects on

door,a

at the

knock
single

it

stagewhen

as

he

whether

me

but I told him

stature j

tall as the

6-feet-2

was

or
flag,

"

under

it was

quite
in
2-feet-6,

or

the standard."

is,I reflected that it was a time of profoundpeace, that a

civil war, or an invasion,
was
; and as for an occasional
very unlikely
like Lavater,to right-about-face.
that I could make
shift,
drill,
and
dismissed the
AccordinglyI declined seeingthe substitute,
this
That I
w
ith
the
to
note
to
a
War-Secretary
purport:
Serjeant
truth

The

"

"

considered

myselfdrawn

That, under
unnecessary
did ' call me
The

the

out^I hoped I
were

talked

bubble

in
reputation

great deal

I took the proper

of the GeneraFs
sealed

'

which

probablybe

;' but that if his Majesty

"

should

of moral

him satisfaction.'
''give
being pleasedwith this billet. They
wilful murder, and seekingthe
suicide,

the cannon's

mouth

War-office

the

to be well quarter d.

of the country, it would

to be mustarded

from

far

expectedtherefore

course, for,after the

General
or
red-coats,

with

Hardinge;"by

and

circumstances

for militia-men

females

packet

; but

lapseof

I shall
a

few

think that

ever

hours, two

postmen, brought me

Seal, and

more

large
superscribed Henry
from serving
on
Horse,
a

"

absolved
officially
or
then and thereafter.
on
Foot, or on both together,
ness
the handsomeAnd
I
know
not
his Majestydoubted
unless
why,
off the rest ; but
in particular,
of discharging
without letting
me
in
that
issued
short
it
time
there
afterwards
a
a proclamation,
so
was,
of
services
the
all
which
the
militia-men
for
were
presentdispensed
by
I

was

"

"

with,
"

all the

and

we

were

in
lighter

our

left to pursue
several avocations, of course,
our
for beingdisembodied.
spiritt
"

J7"

FOR

ODE

"

Look

ST.

CECILIA'S

for

squalls." The

out

O COME, dear Barney Isaacs,come,

Punch for one nightcan spare his drum
As well as pipesof Pan !

Forgetnot, Popkins,your bassoon.

Nor, Mister Bray,your horn, as soon
leave the Van
Blind Billy,
bringyour violin
Miss Crow, you're great in
As

you

can

NATURAL,

AND

FLAT,

SHARP,

Don't
As

Its bass
Ye
An

had

such
no

give birth,

rows

end

earth,

on

;"
wake the lyre
Don't "strike the harp,'pray never
Till others long to strike it too.

Except to

"*

apt
Perpetualharping's
Oh

have

heard

do,

tire ;

to

flat-and-

such

sharpers,

viol must

For

I've blest the head

Of good King Ned,
scraggingall those
Harpers!

old

Welsh

be amiss ;

organ would not

grindingJim has

spoutedhis,
Lend your's,
good Mister Jones.
Jenny, do
Do, hurdy-gurdy

If

to

ever

if you

Cherry

drop in
to Soger Tommy's pipe.
butchers, bringyour bones :

Chubb, your

Pilot,

"

Ripe!
And

EVE.

Pray,never, ere each tuneful doing.

deal of wooing ;
Take a prodigious
And

then sit down

to

thrum the strain,

"

Keep

sober

for

an

hour

or

two,

to helpto paint.
if you should not
Gray,
And, Sandy
Your bagpipesbring O tuneful Scot!
of the Saint !
Conceive the feelings

Music's charms

As

rise again

if you'd never

"

The least Cecilia-like of things;

that the Saint has wings.
Remember
Miss Strummel
I've known
pause an

"

hour.
she

Ere
issues an invite.
Miss Strummel
For music, and turn-out to night
In honour of Cecilia's session ;
But ere you go, one moment
stop,
drop
And with all kindness let me
;
hint to you, and your profession
within
then
: Pray keep
Imprimis
The bounds to which your skill was

born ;
Let the one-handed

Don't

"

"

the

Pluck

Fairest

Flower,"
she
Yet without hesitation,
"
the
into
Deep
Plunged next

Deep

Sea,"
when on the keys she does begin.
Such awful torments soon
you share.
"
Sin,*
Milton's
like
She really
seems
know
of
the
you
keys
Holding
And

"

where I

letalone

Trombone,
Or Ash my

could

Rheumatiz ! seize the violin.

snatch the horn I

so toughly.
ears
Never tweak people's
ing"
That urchin-likethey can't help say-

n2

180

ODE

FOR

ST.

CECILIA

EVE.

0 dear ! O dear" you callthisplaying, Each scraper ripefor concertante,

Rozins the hair of Rozinante :
oh, it'splayingvery roughly!"
Then all sound A, ifthey know which,
Oft, in the ecstacy of pain,
I've curs'd all instrumental workmen,
That they may joinlike birds in June :

*'

But

Wish'dBroadwoodThurtell'dinalane,
And

Kirke

White's
Kirkman

fate to

every

Jack

Tar alone
For he's all over

neglectsto tune,
concert-pitch.

"

I
"

reallyonce
Clementi

delightedspied
in Cheapside.

CoUard

"

littlepreludegoes before.
and ringat music's door,
a knock
Each instrument givesin its name
;
A

Like

in
sitting
all
They
begin

Then
To

musical round game.

the eldest hand.
as
Scrapenberg,

playa

Leads

firstfiddle to the band,

second follows suit ;

Anon
the ace of Horns comes
plump
On the two fiddles with a trump,
Puffindorf playsa flute.
This sort of musical revoke,
The grave bassoon beginsto smoke
kind
And in rather grumpy
Of tone beginsto speak itsmind

The

double

Playingthe

drum

is next

Devil

on

to

Two

mix,
Sticks

"

Clamour, clamour.
Hammer, hammer.
While

now

and then

pipe is heard.

word.
all his shrilly
best.

to put
Insisting
FANCY

Another
Revered

tORTRAIT

KIRKE

Well, littlePipe begins with sole

"

You

have been only half-baptis'd, And

And each name
proper, or improper,
Is not the value of a
copper.
Till it has had the due additions,

Husky, Rusky,
Ninny,Tinny,

Now

Hummel, Bummel,
Bowski, Wowski,

And

tames

Now

good selectables ;
plainpudding-and-

"

Folks that are called the hardest names

Are music's most respectables.

Ev'ry woman,
ev'ry man,
Look as foreign
as
you can,
Don't

cut

and

begin

Squealing,
Appealing,
as
high as he can go.
in languagerather low,
havingdone
beginsonce

more,

"

Verbatim what he said before.

This twiddling
twaddlingsets

on

fire

All the old instrumental ire.

And fiddles for explosion
ripe.
Put out the littlesqueaker's
pipe;
and viol for that,
innocent littleB flat.
Shakes it like terrier shakinga rat
miching malico !
They all seem
This wakes bass'viol
"

yojw hair,or wash

ugly faces

going thro' the hoUt

Beseeching,
Preaching,

small voice

Seizingon
your

skin,
Make

With
So to allow the littleminion
Time to deliver his opinion.
They take a few bars rest.

WHITR.

don't be surpris'd.
vv^ord,"
and ragged street Musicians,

All these are very

But none
of your

in

"

To

judge from

rumble

unawares.

drum has had a pitchdown stairs ;

Each Dingy Orpheus gravelyhears.
And the trumpet rash,
And now
to show they understand it !
By a violent crash.
Miss Crow her scrannel throttle clears, Seems
somebody'scalico !
splitting
And all the rest prepare to band it.
The -violtoo groans in deep distress.
The

ODE

As
And

To
This

one

fetch him
tumult

the

band

Doctor

CECILIA

For

without

Again
They play
Miss

Triangle
Must
wrangle.
is becoming most
just in the

it"

Up jumps
The

little man

Devil

very
And

Off

middle,

In

GiUND

attack.
black,
"

stand

it I "

that.

is flown,

Never,
Oh

the door.

his black.

To

come

never,

Music

back.
more

never

praisesthou hast had,

Dryden and from Pope,
I hope,
For thy good notes, yet none
But I, e*er praisedthe bad.
From

Yet
Miss

are

drew

The

other

UPRIGHT.

saint and

not

Strummel

One

"

cannot

with

Thro'

"

in

Snatching hat,
(Not his own,)

martial

"

"

or
pity,
Storming of a City,"
compos'd and plann'd

lo I at this renew'd

When

"

A quakerly fiddle,
Proposes a generalshaking of hands !
Quaking,
Shaking,
Quivering,
Shivering,
each
bow
bow
short
Long bow
:
drawing
like sawing;
like filing,some
Some
last
these
At
agitationscease.
And
they all get
The flageolet,
To breathe
a piping time of peace.'

get breath

remorse

The

"

S. herself

of bands.
When

Puflandorf

And

the

nimble,

deceitful charm,

too

Like light'ning
before death.
Scrapenberg to rest his arm.

"

of Music.

181

EYE.

Ah,

Haut-boy crying
Piano's
pacifying,
The
cymbal
sets

Gets

The

ST.

suddenly grew sick ;

rapidfiddle sets off express,
Hurrying-,
Scurrying,
Spattering,
Clattering,

if ho

Beyond

FOR

an

on

sinner

even

Cecilia's level ?

anseldown

scar'd away

from

heaven

the Devil

I"

iQ'2

REFLECTIONS
When

the butt is out,

WATER.

will drink water:

we

aversion
Stephano's

HAVE

ON

not

to Water.

drop before."

take any by chance

Tritons and Dolphins of

never

of

the proneness

our
mouth, without
it
It
forth
to
is,on
again.
Fountain,
spout

into my
the

the

"

It hath

washy.
hand-basins,egregiously

and

is called

"

an

do I sometimes
quality,

adulterate

Aquariusis not

flimsyfluid.
sign; at the
my
Hugh Myddleton,for leadinghis trite streamlet
if such

Methinks

lip curleth.

sloppy

in tubs

for me, even

what
of
not
only
quantity,

with

the

praisesheaped on

Sir

Geneva

Cogniac or

my

palate,as

not

For the sake

weakness."

amiable

Tempest.

"

labour

to

up
could

London,
at

one

my

"

time

betray a misguidedtaste,it was in those days,when

The Grete Conduict,in Chepe,did runne
forth Wyne."
we
are told,
of
New
talk
withal
the
River
And then to hear
Heady as if,forsooth,
from Ware
unto
the weak current pouredeven
London, were
capable
the caput, of Stout Porter,
of that goodlyheaded capital,
or lustyAle.
than another

more

"

"

"

The

is none
of mine.
aquatics
Calves'
Regattas; it passeth my
for

taste

be

should

"

the pleasureof
and

main, for

encounter

with
contending
of water.

prizecup

"

not

how
"

the

Deluge,when
with

chest,but

^bySir

"

on

the

by

"

Easy

the

greatfloods

in

rished,
pethe

on

chest

Drowning
Dying

^isto

"

gentleman
"

thirsty

means

tions
no-

my
Conceive

horrible.

any

Dick, that

called

unfortunate

by

have

Noah's

water.
some

made

Lauder

the whole

water

for

not

Witness

would

human-kind

should

always

was

Arch-Enemy.

two

"

I believe

bridges, and
our

we

tish
Scot-

many

it. The element

reader,if ever

"

Morayshire destroyed
know

"

before me, that

your mouth
"
The
more
compelledrejoinder,
you !
pump

feasts,
good-men's
say

at

waters,"for fear of my
I am
told
Die miki

all your

Gentle

it
laugh at Cowes'
to conceive
understanding,
and
sail
sea, your might

"

an

not

pelled
com-

gulp after
even
gulp of the vapidfluid,
"as
the water
to swelling,
to

you

man."

swill

know

If I

will

swell

said I would

hanged,it would
be but the truth ; although
hath givenme
Veritas in Puteo

rather

"

be

"

THE

almost

ARCH-ENEMY.

disrelish for truth itself.

HEPLECTIOKS

ON

183

WATER.

I shonld be gladto know

Exceptingtheir imaginaryCastaly,
in
the
of
Water
?
Of wine, many.
hath
ever
praise
poet
sung

saith the Scottish Bums

Tent"

of both

laid

and

on

i.e.

;*
"

the Muse

with sweet
white,"and addeth
laid on in pipes. For Madeira, see
"

by Pope,

"

in the

"

The

Cape.

dear to Oriental
touched

Sultanas

as

in his Corsair ; but

on

it

perchance,
they take

"

hath
all of

confess there is
! but

of it ;

is there also

would

scend
conde-

hand.

Sack, too, as
Clarence, is by Byron
"

"

then, throughsome
in Water

eloquently
cunning

ness
Koran-scrupulous-

in
the subject,
but, as became
written a volume, I am
told,in its commendation,
the
nutritive
it floating
its
quality
; and truly to see

Victorywith all her armament

must

Malmsey

to

singhinteth

the mountain,"

Mahomet

to

"

Tak

of water;

been

Praise there hath

prose ; M.
and above

his

thus

Bowles

Then

Shepherd loves

Moslem, forbidden draught; yet which

to fetch himself,if it failed in coming

to

""

and

"

Pringleluxuriates

of

celebrated

Mountain
"

and

Red

"

as

Sherry ?

ye at the

was

commending Nerval,
Shakspearediscourseth

I like. "

Port

His

"

his cellar :

O,

loftyDouglas,in

The

eth another.

hand

"

what
"

then

and

complement of

support in it

some

"

taken

look
internally,

guns, and men, one

outward
at least as an
cation
appliat

the

wreck

of the

Royal

George!
The

Men-of-War, bringeth to mind, opportunely,

some
reminiscences,pertinentto this sublect referring
backward, when,
mention

of

certain marine

years
with other uniform

than my

present invariable sables,I

stationed at * * *, on
was
Little

the coast of Sussex.

habits,
present-tense
my
and occupations,
of
savour

as

the

past sea-service,yet,
"

reader,in the Navy List,

amongst the Commanders,
or

by-gone

years

in

the

Ships Books of H.M.S.

Hyperion,presently
lying
in the sequestered
harbour
of

Newhaven,

find

thou

the
occurring

of Hood

; a name

surname

associated

friends,marine

by
mechanic,
for

with

wilt

and

vance
contri-

the old
expelling

enemy, water, by
of
construction

novel

Ships'

RUNNING

SPIRITS

pumps.
sect
of my
the AdamVAle-Shunners
in
the muster-roll charactered
!
an
Spiller

iStanchest

Samuel

"

"

Able

wert

thou, old

Seaman

but

184

REFLECTIONS

notable for

*most

fresh

soft

or

"

band

or

if service
Service,

Preventive

thou

by

payeth greaterreverence,

in

that

armed

miscalled

some

the

it be to prevent the influx of wholesome

no
smugglerbare justice,

do the

spirits.To

Water, hard,
unmitigated

to

petty Officer wert

Coast Blockade ;

salt !

WATER.

aversion

Landsman's

contraband,the

versus

ON

obedience

or

Nelson-bred,

seaman,

that

to

signalsentence,
"

to cb his

duty!" than
Thine,
in
or
Spirits,
Spiller,
legal illegal,tub
didst thou inexorably
or
seize,and gaugerflask,or pewter measure,
like try the depth thereof, thy Royal Master, His
Majesty, at
the latter end of the seizures,
faringno better than thy own begotten
**he took after his
sea-urchin,of whom, one day remarkingthat
would-be
Trinculo
Father
t
he
leaveth
never
retorted,
father,"
young
take."
There
to
none
were
afloat,and ashore
strange rumours
Samuel ! of thy unprofitable
vigilance.Many an illicitChUd^ i. e.
laid at thy door.
small keg,hath
been
Thou
hadst a becoming
a
brave
and
could stand
men
true, who
respect for thy comrade^ as

"England expects
done

was

man

every

the

to

he.

uttermost.

"

"

"

"

smugglers,I fear, were

fire, but the

who

men

of

thy

notes,who

base

of

gulp down

in evidence.

There

in that Gin, from

known

with

"

Lord

as

It

which

own

whatever

streak

misdeeds

higher,as
like much

those

delinquent
dangerousforgeries,
have appeared against
as

might else
thee,like rat,or weazel,
entrapping
wert commonly
a sea-peerage, thou
deriving
was

no

Vassal of

the Noble

I trust,to
ofience,

no

their

swallow

Even

Kensington
"

Hollands.

by

was

of

way

of mine

Great

thy

were

"

didst thou

thee

Still

treat.

beverage beyond proof.

own

utterers
so

stand

could

ranked

for

water-penance

Ancient,that

one

evening

one

"

of these Cassio-like derelictions

the

the
eveningsucceeding
chargeof a boat's crew, to
shipwrecktArgosy,that

I gave him
Tempest of 1814
of some
relics
sundry fragmental
were
reportedto be adrift in our offing.In two hours he returned,
and
like "Venator and
we
Piscator,
immediatelyfell into dialogue,
i
.
for
of
fear
e.
Piscator,
Spiller,
drippingthe carpet,"
standingaloof,
et pretereanihil,
in a dark entry.
a vox
not then inoculated with
Well, Spiller,"my phraseologywas
the quaintness it hath since imbibed
after lecture""
from
Well,
what
have you picked up ?
Spiller,

Sea

"

bring in

"

"

"

"

"

"A

jib-boom,I think. Sir;

The

fitarn.
*'

Only

"

Very

Bunco

to

Thank

The

the

as

"

are

you

"

giveyou
your

all double

the marble

and

"

wet

famous

and

part

placefor rum,

of

Ship's

Sir ! **

"

wreck, and

go

to

your

grog.

Tell

allowance."

honour's honour

ceased

'

of Barbadies

sea

any

capitalspar;

up to my middle,Sir."
well
stow
the
away

voice

audible
down

Planter

Was.there

"

*'

"

with tramp
pair of ponderoussea-soles,
in
went
Spectre
Giovanni,
hurrying

foot of the

of a discrepancy
between
main-hatchway.Certain misgivings
and
the
imputeddrenching
weather,an appeal askance of the rum
our

186

BLOW-UP.

with Unsafety Lamp

building,

Creptin

the

One

this mill that had

day

Became
With

by

sort of windmill

round.

and blew

in sound

that went

bounce

"

ground,

water

far

as

Dover, it

as

sprawlingto the sky ;

visitors who gainedthereby,
Besides some
What
had
asked
permission to go over
they
hard and high blow,
it was
Of course
a very
Sent half the workmen

it ! "

"

"

At

Cowes'

If such
Think

once

vessels start ;

this crash the human

how

In

fact,it

As

peopleknow

"

battle,

either mine or mill,you spring

springing
A precious
rattle !

In

dunniest

The

heard it

poor

"

if he

Doubted

for

Through

Tunbridgetown

once

Mr.

Were
Miss
Made
The

for

of Sons"

Best

kick'd the

And

thousand

Fated

"

to

and
convulsively,

Miss

Wiggins,with

Toss'd it justlike
For

grass upon

Mr.

fork,

her face.

turban

in the gravy

he meant

nurse-maid

Bo-peep" and

end,
carver's labour.

at the lower

Preparingfor a Goose a
Darted his two-prongedweapon

The

her

Pyne,

Sherry in
Mistress Davy,

Davy

once

fish !

at work

glassof

off her bran-new

if for

one

Dunn,

better case.

nervous

Poor

As

was

takingwine.

With

Mr.

but

hooked

hay-maker

in any

sister not

jerkedhis

some

dish ;

China

Mister

was

the stairs :

down

dropped the

win, and that

unawares.

started,though there

struck

BobbM

taken

was

Best of Parents"

Who

While

dog,

other''sarms.

her

"

steadiest servant

The

lie

strangealarnw,

so
fright
strong.
inches
six
a great gobble-stitch
long;
their wish
veriest quakersquaked against
"

Her

most

Fogg,

into each

once

M. the milliner

F.

deaf

it caused

lived liked cat and

shocked

The

old Mr.
ever

was

Mrs.

and

Who

"

unnerved.

nerve

very awful thing,

that have been used to

was

flyblow

oak's heart.
terrify

could

sound

observed,

Regattaas
made
twenty
pistol-shot

what's called

diflFeredfrom

somewhat

And

to

help a

in his

neighbour,

friend.

"

little Jack-a-Norey,"
telling
"

Blue-cap"'atthe

house's top,

Scream'd,and

let Master

From

187

BLOW-UP.

Jeremiali

drop

fourth story !
yet did matters any better go

Nor

Cook

With
As

Housemaid

and

for the

Laundress,timid

Expressingfaintness
And

in the realms below

Martha

and her fear

Gunning,

by

fits

at last but to her wits,

starts, she cam"
in the ale that John left running.
falling
"

By

Grave

Mr.

Miles,the meekest of mankind,

all at once, deaf,stupid,dumb, and blind,

Struck

Sat in his chaise

Then
Was

pairof

scrambled

Out
From

shocked

Out

Floating

NON

SEQUITUR.

all the Misses

rushed
in

horse.
Miss

from

for urchins small

awful
a

Joy's!
and big,^

noise,
boys,

flood of

black, without

wig ;

Some

"

one
another,
treasure, some
and
taws
their
up in a hurry.
tops
caught
rescued LindleyMurray,
saved Chambaud, some

carried out

Some

But

man

corse,

mind.
find,

shafts without

Hearing the

Some

to

ProspectHouse,

coming to his

Only

like

moments

some

littleTiddy

"

carried his

big brother !

188

BLOW-UP.

Sick of such
The

terrors,

No
But

to

Baker

warn

of his

dangerouserrors

to bringthe pointto
Accordingly

They
The

call'd a

dwell

should

Tunbridgefolks resolv'd that truth

longersecret in a TunbridgeWell,

pass,

meetingof the broken

glass.
chimney pots,and scatter d tiles,
The damage of each part,

shatter d

And

packed it in a cart.
by the horse that ran from Mr. Miles ;
Doctor Babblethorpe,the worthy Rector,

Drawn
While
And

Mr.

And

few

some

Went

cutler to

Gammage,

as

more,

and
Powder-proprietor
Now

Baker's

Mr.

the Ex

deputationto

George Rex,
would only vex,
names

whose

Mill-director.

had pleased
dwelling-house

Along with
And

for

mill-materials to roam.
time the deputieswere

To

find the

At

last

they found

Safe at the
The

with

him

TunbridgeArms

worthy Rector,with
put his spoke in for

Soon

teased.

noisygentlemanat home

undamaged skin,
not

"

out

zeal,

uncommon

the

but Inn.

"

weal

common

grave old gentlemanlykind of Urban,

The piteous
tale of Jeremiah
moulded.
And

By

of

way
told how

He

'Knock'd
How

At

Mr.
auctioneering
lot without

had
Miles,in fright,
she wouldn't

ProspectHouse,
Dane

And

Beak,

off'his nose

Beyond

"

Gates,not Tilus,

Vitus,
"

whilst

misbehaving.

shaving;
"

words

that seem'd

like

sweaiing,

bearing
Mr. Gammage
sputtering
stuttering,
Sir
he
arguedthus,
pay us,

is to

or

"

many

"

"

cus-cus-cus-cus-cus-cus-cus

Cus-custom, and
a

the

person

provedhe

was

"

dam-dam-dam-dam-damage
had

such assailants,
and

Baker, however,
But

"

bear,

Licenser's belief

For loss of

By

bidding,
giv'nhis mare,
a

in the

Broke

Now

Bidding

Doctor

thro' Powder

suddenly,with

When

Who

how

d like Saint

Mr.
Cut

**

unfolded.
climax,Mrs. D,avy'sturban

whip

"

then

down

Mr.

The

"

been

fairly
puzzled
muzzled
completely
;

not dash'd with

after their
practised

own

ease

"

system,

WOODEN

THE

And

189

LEO.

with

small
dismissed 'em,
soon
ceremony
these
words
into their ears
like fleas ;
Putting
"
If I do have a blow, well, where's the
oddity?
I merely do as other tradeemen
do.

You, Sir,

and you

"

Fm

onlypuffingoff"my

THE

URGING

THE

OF

with such
liead of

an

Ever
off

barrel."

empty

since the

leg and

one

OWN

1799, I
the

WORK.

LEG.
of the stump ascendingthe \70oden staircase
it for the application
of drum-sticks
to the

Pickle.

Peregrine

year

near

"

YOUR

WOODEN

Peregrineand Gauntlet heard the sound

that they at first mistook
velocity,

"

you

commodity

own

SAIL

and

"

have

had, in the coachman

phrase,an
thanks
to
a
rightlimb,
twelve-pounder,

itstwin-brother beingat this moment

Seringapatam,
I have a wooden
under a table at Brighton. In plainEnglish,
leg.
half
of
of
the
I
thus
for
implements
deprived
marching, equitably
Being
what
on
retired,
half-pay,from a marching regiment,and embarked
the
remained of my body for the land of its nativity,
literally
fulfilling
with one foot on sea and one
of man,
on
shore,"in the
description
Shakspearian
song.
lies somewhere

at

"

A
of

No

greatdeal

oak, but legsof ditto

wrestler from

fair back-falls

galeswere
I

has been said and

as

walked

and
exercise,

moreover

"

in

or

of

wooden

our

a
a

lose,I

dead

calm, and

and

foot

and
soldier,

the

ocean.

so

many

equinoctial

say, my feet.
to
soldier accustomed

goingto

was
as

the

received half

ever

"

^makingme

walls and hearts

inglorious
figureon

Devonshire

least roll of the vessel

I, the

in full blow

might have

make

Cornwall

sung
but an

used

to

walking,I

felt

the deck,but a general

protest
great inclination to pace up and down
from the cabins put an end to my promenade. As Lear recommends,
my

wooden

hoof

ought to

have

been

"

shod with

felt."

190

THE

At

which
fishing-boat,

have

enjoyeda

soon

obtained

LEO.

terminated,and

last the voyage

into

WOODEN

ramble

put

land,I got

to

eagerness

who
Dungeness.
will believe that I
shingle,
walking with a wooden
leg
Those

its extensive

over

exercise in

of

abundance

in my

ashore at

me

when
its loose pebbles
; in fact,
among
the cricketers say, "stumped out."

I arrived
It

I was,
anythingbut one

was

Lydd,

at

as

of

Foote's farces.
The
says

morning saw

next

in

me

sightof home,

as

"

bard
provincial

"

"

when

But

the wanderer's eye,

gleams upon

home

Quicken his steps ^he almost

he had

I wish

But

doingmy last
anythingbut
paternalroof. I am

seen

me

glimpseof the

distinct
Camilla

the

scours

stood at the

half mile

its deep sand

I found

Hill.

plain,"she

which
lodge-gate,

does not

Swingfield

over

in spiteof
quicksand,

convinced,when
it with

do

opened,and

fly."

to

seems

"

let

sand.
into

"

At

Fleet
last I

long avenue,
but not
well rolled ;
path of which had been newly gravelled,
considerable
out
I
work
for
and
cut
the
myself
accordingly,
gardener,
who, as he watched the holes I picked in his performance,seemed to
much
looked on my advance
as
Apollyon did on Pilgrim's
Progress.
I
the
wooden
but
of
relief,got upon
By way
leg,thoughit
grass,
my
did not thrive much
the turf. Arrived at the
was
a
bLick-leg,
upon
house door,filialanxietycaused me
to forget
to scrape and wipe,and
I proceededto make
of
soles
and dabs up the stair
a
fishypattern
me

the

carpet.

good wife

The

in the Scotch song says

His
As

If there
of

sort

sound

into

mother

poor

came

upon

broken

Gabriel

or

stump, which

comingto

attempt

would

his

playeda
where
the
landing-place,

the

legto her,had

fools rush in where

Michael

in the

Dunsinane

fit of horror,for the

my

gouty foot. At the

impetuosity,threw
sisterly
on

wood

will not

''As

and

Bimam

Macbeth

I
father,
him,

for my

mine, it was
Saul," up to

in

my

should have

which
As

sightof

very foot has music in't.

he comes
up the stair."

in

March

Dead

and

music

any

was
"

"

same

to

been

threw

my

preparatoryletter
lost

its passage.

on

describe his transport,for I

angelsfear

to tread

;"

have

escaped a volleyfor treading

moment, Margaretand Louisa,with

not

themselves

neck, and

being
loose
Sir
Thomas
to
or
leg,"according
outplay
my
the result was
Instructions for "Wrestling,"
a
Parkyn s
hanging
is
toe
A
when
behind
trippet."
hangingtrippet
you put your
your
heel,on the same
side,with a designto hook his legup
adversary's
attentive

to

on

my

not

"

"

"

"

forwards,and
The

throw

him

reader will guess my

rid

of my

myself
throughdry sand and
me

to

maybe, a
tumbled

on

into

bed, and

satisfaction when

unlucky

wet

littleflustered

his back."

limb.

exhausted
gravel,

by dippinginto

was

soon

night came,

and

Fatigued with
by

excessive

my

allowed
walk

emotion,and,
literally

the cup of welcome, I

dreamingof runningraces and

leaping

THE

hoarse

more

the

came

never

or

courage,
about

arms,

Thieves
!

"

biped,when

!" and

"

Murder

I
!"

There

were
burglars,
packing and preparingto elopewith

of parents. It was
natural for
soldier to the rescue, but son
soldier
or

I wanted

but

in the

full half hour

! Frank

to start for the

in time

of

"

the consent

and

son

Frank

were

familyplate,without

the latter to call a

"

call for

fact,in the house, who

in

other feats of

shrill screams

suddenlyaroused by

with

191

LEG.

and
waltzing,
gallopading,

for wagers,
was

WOODEN

plate;
that

that I wanted

not

unlucky limb,
I could lay my

and

dark,before

zeal

or

groped

hand

upon

leg.

my

The
the

next

estate ;

had taken

morning I took
but during my

placewith

strollbefore
solitary

absence

abroad, some

Sir
neighbour.

our

breakfast to look at

exchangesof land
Theophilus.The consequence

wood

through a wood of his, ^but which had

best legforemost,"as
goingwith my
own,
in my predicament
a man
always does,I popped it into a man-trap.
Thus my timber failed me
it might reallyhave stood
at a pinchwhen
of the humane
friend. Luckilythe trap was
one
sort ;
but it
my

was,

in

takingmy

formerlybeen

our

"

and

"

"

"

far from

was

Leg

pleasantto

stand

in

it for two

hours

out
calling

for

Bail.

I could

givemany

hobble which

my

more

wooden

instances of scrapes, besides the perpetual

leg brought me into,but I will mention

of my friends,
few years ago I stood
At the persuasion
a
onlyone.
for Rye, but the electors,
I
perhaps,thought onlyhalf stood for it,for
It was
votes.
they gave me nothingbut split
perhapsas well that I
did not go into the House, for with two such odd legs I could never
properlyhave
pairedoff." The election expenses, however, pressed
heavilyon my pocket,and to defraythem, and all for one Wooden
"

Leg,I

had

to cut down

some

PEGOIMG

thousand

TWO

FOR

loads of timber.

HIS

HKELS.

193

GHOST.

THE
A

SERIOUS

VERY

I'll be your

BALLAD.

second."

In Middle Row, some

years ago,
Mr. Brown ;
There lived one
And
folks considered him
many
in town.
The stoutest man

Liston.

"

My Memory
Should

like

"

Rogers's,

stillbe bound

in green

Yet if my face you stillretrace

I almost have a doubt
I'm like an old Forget-Me-Not,
With all the leaves torn out !

**

"

But Brown and stout willboth wear

One Fridayhe died hard.
And left a widow'd wife to mourn
At

Now

twenty pence
widow

B. in two

out.

To think that on that finger

joint,
Another pledgeshould cling;
Oh Bess ! upon my very soul.
It struck like * Knock and Ring.*

"

yard.
short months

Thought mourning quitea

tax ;

And wish d, like Mr. Wilberforce,

her blacks.
To manumit
With Mr. Street she soon
sweet
was
about :
The thingthus came
She asked him in at home, and then
At church he asked her out !
Assurance such as this the man
In ashes could not stand ;
So like a Phoenix he rose up
Againstthe Hand in Hand.

"

Your

*"

"

Are

To
"*

burn

your

my blood

we
now

one
"

run,

"

flesh should be,

!
when I have none

you, Sir

"

once

bosom

friend
"

perjuredfaith convict.
ghostlytoe can giveno blow,
are

kick'd.

A hollow voice is all I have,

But this I tellyou plain.
Marry come
up ! you marry Ma'am,
And I'llcome
up again."
"

flame.

widow's

set

"

Mrs. B., oh Mrs. B. !

these your sorrow's deeds,

Alreadygettingup

marriagerite did

ever

Consider you

breast

urn

The

"And
Of

littleafter one.
after two !
But she was

Oh

conduct, Ma'am, has

'Tis

As

my

return

Remember, oh ! remember, how

If

drearynightthe angry sprite

Appeared before her view ;
came

on

in my
A-boiling

One
It

A ton of marble
Can't hinder my

he had said,but chanticleer

shade did shock
The spritely
With sudden crow, and off he went.
at cock !
Like fowling-piece

More

weeds

It's not so long since I have left

For aye the mortal scene
;

COCK

or

TllK

v"AI.K.

19-1

TALE

Iiad before been wicked

times worse,
in prey to

tillthe

THE

OF

were

now

cityand

the

who
devils,

had

GREAT

PLAGUE.

hardened,and

became

neighbourhoodthereof
loosened

been

for

thonsand

seemed
from

season

given

the

lasting
ever-

fetters of the law.

four of these

desperadoes
havingmet togetherat the Dolphin
Deptford,they laid a plot togetherto rob a certain lone mansion

Now

in

which

house

stood

off to

beinggone
for the sake
tliis;

was

of

the Thames

betwixt

which

Hainault,and

left in the

was

another mansion

house

wholesome

air.

more

the front-door and

for
begpiteously

beingopened,the other knaves

man,

or

were

to

man,

feignedvoice was
and
shelter,
night's

to

were

Forest
the

of

family

in the county of Wiltshire,

the manner
And
of the plot

rush

in and

knock

to

he

the

Friday, at
that

fellow

then

bind

the

the

at

door,

serving-

always

wore

last

they

may
entered the

which

rob, and

be

in you

was

night,they

set

Blackface,by reason
themselves
errands,
diverting
his share of the booty in the

was

and

for the

sure

the
main

death, and

as

of Lewkener's

women

burthen

of the house

fore-court

silent

as

of the

such

on

the way with layingout each man

that pleasedhim
manner
best,wine

coming

dead
named

by

At

only one

the

him, as might seem

best,and so takinghis keys they
ransack the house, where
they expectedto find a good store of

vizard which

Lane

and

murther

plate. Accordinglyone
forth,havingfor leader
of

chargeof

of the villains goingin

one

marshes

of the

song.

which

to
they were
dark, exceptinga

as

glimmer from one window towards the top. Blackface then, as agreed
upon, began to beat at the door, but being flushed with drink,instead
ding
bidfor an entrance, he shouted
out to the serving-man,
of entreating
with

him

keys,for that
"

In the
"

window,
*'

so

An

when
"

down

us

be

that

wait but

boot.

Come
you

come
they were
of God, my

do you want
come," returned
your

down

come

to relieve him

and

to

render up

the

charge.
serving-manfrom

"

Blackface,

to relieve you

of your

the

whose
serving-man,

me

and

trust

my
"

Come, come," cries Blackface,

will

open, or we
"
Ye shall not

trust,

keys."

said
all,"

do with

the

here ?"

Adams,
placeto
me
dead,

was

name

littlewhile and you shall have the keys and my

againbut a few hours hence,and you shall find

may

his

of his

masters,"cried

what

are

throw
"

"

We

name

terrible oaths to

many

bringfire and

no

as

you

list."

but
preaching,

come

down

and

faggotto the door."

need,"answered

Adams,

"

hearken

only to

what

fair warning,
shall have free passage; but I give you
say, and you
sick
be
and
without
and
I
but
unto
even
a single
though
man,
weapon,

lives as ye bear
shall your coming in cost you
as
many
walls
dismal
for
within
there
is
these
a
giantthat hath slain
amongst you,
his thousands,even
the plague."At these drearywords the courage of

death,yet

the robbers

sayingit was
"

taken

was
no

doubt

Alas,"answered

say is the solemn

somewhat

and

an

aback,but

invention to deter them

Adams, who
sorrowful

them
spirited
on,
from the spoil.

Blackface

overheard

their

truth, and

which

argument,
I

am

"

what

speakingfor

TALE

OP

GREAT

THE

195

PLAGUE,

As for the
to-morrow's blessed sun.
see
the last time,for I shall never
hands,beseeching
you for
door,I will open it to you with my own
of my
stand
little
the
taint
and
of
sakes
a
out
to
apart,
your own
breath,which is sure destruction. There is one child herein a dead
corpse,

shall behold
you
in the hall. So

as

if you

have

courage, for it lieth

descended,and presentlyflung
so

much

sayinghe
the
withdrawinga little backward, and
open
they saw verilyby the lightof a rush wick which he carried,that he
was
laptonly in a white sheet,and lookingvery paleand ghost-like,

unburied

hall door, the villains

with

"If

said,
when

inwards

look

back

I draw

door,and

from

the

shall

see

ye

what

was

this

day,

each of his eyes.

disbelieve

ye

still,"he

me
"

dismal black circle round

most

child
living

is

but

now

hasteningto
corruption.Alas ! in
a

corpse

midst

the

seized at

life

of

in death

are

she

we

was

play." With

these words
and
aside,

drew

he

the

robbers,

looking through the

it was
door,perceived
even

he

as

the dead
child

said,for

body of
lyingon

was

the
the

table, with the

black ringround

hall
same

he

said,in its

here

huge bunch

but

with

than

the very
on

be the

off,even

after

said

as

had

Adams,
Now,"
they
keys,"therewithal castingtowards them
now

more

no

meddle

with tliem

lookingon them in truth as

aspicsor scorpions,
many
after venting
a few
curses
keys of death's door. Accordingly,
so

againcalled to

them

began to departin very

illhumour, when

Adams

to hear his last words.

Now," said he, "

murder in your

I not

carried it

had

death

"

the villains would

their illluck,they
"

though

as

holidayclothes.

gazedawhile, "

COMMON-LOT.

THE

its eyes, and dressed

in brocade and riband

though

ye

hither with

came

and
robbery,

chance
per-

hearts,againstme, yet as a true Christian will

only forgiveyour wicked intents,but advise you how to shun^

that miserable end

which

my
been

own

lifeis

coming to

so

very

suddenly

sin,yet, doubtless ye liavo

Althoughyour
not stood so
long in this infected air without perilto the health of
souls have

your

bodies,wherefore,
by

from this

over

to

saved from

the advice of

where
Ifaytonstone,

dying man, go straightway

and sit there
tan
pits,

there be
o2

ij)6

for

good hour

virtue

more

tobacco

as

the

remedy
odour

GREAT

THE

OF

amidst

the

or

TALE

the infection of the

against

of

drugs.

yard,where

very

of the tan, and which

strongsmell
Do

strong and subtle,and seizeth,ere

of life." Thereupon, he uttered a
that the robbers with
so
fearfully
never
come
stoppedtill they were
tanner

PLAGUE

this and

one

can

they sat

an

which

they

took

Laytonstone,and
and
stooped over

to

down

snuffing
up the odours with all the relish of men
the breath of life. In which
was
as
posture
half

in whose

themselves, begging pardon

leave to continue
entreating

awhile

in the

for

into the
the

with

pit,

nostrils it

had been

they

entered several persons

hour, when
they took to be the tanner and his men, and
there

addressed

poisonis
the springs
on
began yelling
and
to flight,

aware,
groan, and

accord

one

even

the

live,for

be

dismal

hath

than
plague,

sitting

lantern,and
to whom, therefi^re,
their boldness, and

tan-yardto

disinfect themselves

they had hardlyuttered these words, when

man
was
suddenly seized upon, and bound in a twinkling,,
for such they were, jeeringthem
the constables,
withal,and saying
but
the plaguehad been too busy to come
had
sent them a galitself,
lows
which
would
their turn.
and a halter instead,
upon,
Whereserve
but Blackface swore
most of the rogues became
very chop-fallen,
he could die easy but for one thingupon his mind, and that was, what
of the

but

plague;

lo! each

had

of the

become

of which

seen

turned

the

lantern

directlyto be the
those black
been
you

his

own

his

lightupon

man

eyes.

face,which

own

of Adams

countenance

the eyes, and

little charcoal.

dying of the plague,both

with
Hereupon,the man

but
himself,

for which
"

As

he

the rogues knew

without any of

explainedhe

had

for the dead

child,"he said,
of Barber
masters,of the worshipful
company
tell
of
will
certain
a
waxen
they
puppet of Hygeia,
you
to

enquire,
my

must

and
Surgeons,

the Goddess
and when

with

ringsround

indebted

"

dead child and the

he had

of

Health,which

it fell into disuse

used

to

be

carried

at

their

pageants,

purchasedof them by my Lady Dame

Ellinor Wood, for a playthingto her own
children.
head
So one
four pair of hands,and your whole
and
you see is worth
gang, tall,
been
knaves
have
overmatched
old
man
though you be,
by one
strong
and

was

doll."

LA

TRAPPE.

197

ODE

MAD".

PORTRAIT

FANCY

TO

HENGLER,

MADAME

FIREWORK-MAKER

Oh,

HENGJ,ER.

VAUXHALL

TO

StarryEnchantress

I he^ pardon
Madame,
!
of the Surrey Garden

Accept an

meant

The

Mrs.

Whose

Great
With

But
Thou
We

"

Ode

Bard

Whose

And

Hengler!
not

"

were

are

squibs

far

works

are

much

is

more

thy fame, but

a

many

bang

the

yet thy arrogance

take

as

bold indeed

thy

any

"

quiz.
popularthan his ;
certain to go off.

more

silent fame ;
publicear it courts ;

not

we

blame.

never

thy own
reports.
indulgentbackers,
comments.
misbelieving
doubting,
merits from

hast indeed the most

make

no

Even

in

thy

But

lend

our

most
ears

bounceable
to
implicit

of moments

thy

Strangehelpsto thy applausetoo

As

scoff

at thee to

none

crackers !
"

are

not

missing,

raise thee,

Thy

Rockets

And

Serpentspraisethee.
!
ever
are
praised by hissing

beside

"

198

TO

ODE

MADAME

HENGLER.

Mistress of

Hydropyrics,
Pindarics,
Sapphics,Lyncs,
glittering
Professor of a FieryNecromancy,
Of

tlioiicliarmest the

Oddly

sorts
politer

With

midnightsports,
oi flashd^ndi
Partaking
fancy !
very much
What

Each

But

thy

all

nocturnal

revels,
"

brimstone

would

They

shaken

thoughtshad

In olden time at

ball,
deem'd an eyeballof

have

the DeviFs !

thy flamingMeteors cause no fright

;
A modem
Hubert
to the royalear,
Might whisper without fear,
to night!
My Lord, they say there were five moons
Nor would it raise one superstitious
notion
now

"

To hear the whole

"

One

fixed

out
description
fairly

which

"

With

are

motion

the very

Between

the hours

slglits
earth and

midnightand

of

about

"

workest. Queen of Fire,on

Thou

t'other four whirl'd round

wond'rous

Such

:-

"

heaven,

eleven,

Turning our Englishto Arabian Nights,

With blazing
mounts, and founts,and scorching
dragons,
Blue

stars and

And

blood -red

white.

Wheels
dazzling

And

Thrice
With
For

lucky

woman

waggons.
that
be
doingthings

other folks past benefit of parson

burning,no Bum's Justice falls on

Altho'

Thy

Hght,
fit for Enchanters'

palacesall

Sure thou wast

old Sir
Nor
Of

thee,

nightafter nightthe publicsee

Vauxhall

Like

Hugh,

sparksand

Allowed

nightand

dam
prophetic

by
play with
a

water

flames to have

To

bom

never

with

lecturM

end in Arson

in

thy head.

mom
an

and

awful

dread.

sire

fire.

didst thou never, in those days gone by,

Go carrying
about
no
schoolboyprouder
"

Instead
Or in

Up

of

waxen

doll

"

littleGuy ;

vein,
thy pretty pyrotechnic
parentalpigtail
lay a train,
To let ofi"all his powder ?

the

ODE

TO

Full of the wildfire of

Did''stnever

Turningthe
Or

Thy

thy youth,

in

mother

pots,

plots?

gardeninto

givethe

powder
her,
cook, to fright

sausages well stuffed with nitre ?

of dropping
thou never
guilty,
now,

paper

Nay,

199

HENOLER.

plaintruth,
whizzingFlowers in thy

Plant

MADAME

wert

sisters

lightedcracker by thy

Dear,

So that she could not heat

The

Go

questionhe

on, Madame

While

hoax'd

on

see

stare

dizzy,

Chair
Cassiopeia's

Serpentwrigglinginto Charles''sWain
Roman
Candle lighting
the Great Bear
Rocket tangledin Diana's train.

A
A

A
And

stuck in Berenice's Hair

Crackers

There

is

Methinks
Could'st
Set out

Lord

per Rocket

and

the world

! how

One

solitary
night
"

would

brightconfusion
countenance
dazzling
!
Oh Dei gratias
That fiery
facias
the

saw

thine,Enchantress

'Twas

ever

In dark
face

Long
May
But
When
Then

throngto

see

dost throw

it up !

Fancy

will create

of the grate,
of glory!

of the

Surrey Grove

since that

and

that starry brow enjoyits rays

untimelyblow its doom forestall;

may
no

when

friendlypall.
spark of all thy sparksdecays,
lamented by good people all,
old age prepares

the

the last
die

Like

Goldsmith's

eat

mm

story,

night.
bright.
within my stove
is registered

And

Thy

sup.

thou

that

treat

true is the

Watchingthose forms
Within

per Comet

return

while
swallowingfire,

He

"

givehim a hot
to sit and
Pyrotechnicals

Of

King of Fire Thou shouldst bo Queen

a good connexion
might come from it ;
make
thou not
him, in the gardenscene,
a

Then

and

Astronomers

Squib in

'

brightand busy

be

"

look up
tall observatories,
dumb
and

From

To

Go

popping?

was

Modern

Blaize !

200

AND

RHYME

the Editor

To

REASON,

of the

Comic

Annual.

Sir,
of your Annuals you have
WritingBlank Verse in Rhyme ;" but
In

one

constructed

poem

giveninsertion to
I have

as

I suppose
its principles,

on

no

seen

the scheme

"

Plan for

regularlong
d^d not

take

these circumstances
I feel encouraged
Under
world.
literary
I
and
of
can
to bringforward a novelty
only regretthat such
my own,
poets as Chaucer and Cottle,Spenser and Hayley, Milton and Pratt,
Pope and Pye, Byron and Batterbee,should have died before it was

with the

invented.
is avowedly the rhyme.
in verse
great difficulty
in his letters, that a rhyme is as hard
somewhere

The

"

says
him

as

guinea," and

"

The

poets.

scarce

among
Valentine
must

have

to

chime

that

guineas

are

versifier that

merest

with

met

syllablethat refused

all know

we

this

Orson, some

ever

Swift

find with

to

proverbially
attempted a

untameable

society.For

in with

Dean

savage

what
instance,

SportingMagazine has not

covers
Beynard, Ceynard, Deynard, Feynard,
Leynard, Meynard, Neynard, Peynard,
Keynard,
Heynard,
Geynard,
of the times is
for
Queynard, to find a rhyme
Reynard ? The spirit
Tithe;
decidedly
against

Foxhunter
poetical
drawn

and

I know

that

"

of

of

tithe

no

heroic

which

measure,
requires that

every

shall pay
syllable

tenth

in kind.

sound

often the Poet

How
goes

line, only
stopped at the

to

an

contributor to the

oppressive than
poeticalone, in

more

"

the

all

up
be

end

by
rhyme,
impracticable

like

in

bull

alley!

blind

have

medical
who

might
eminent

an

time,but
he wrote

his

genious
in-

an

friend,

have

been

poet by this
the

first line

ended

in

and

with

cacuanha,
ipeall

REFUSING

TITHE.

and mental
physical

power,

he has

The

plan I

take the bull

never

rhyme for it.

to obviate this hardship. My system is,to
words will
to try at first what
; in short,

yet been able

propose aims
by the horns

to find a

202

BARKER

A
Is
of

kennel,and

strives to be
carte

He

church.

the

certain

and
suit,

He

though he

comes

out

cares
dirty.
cards,yet
but without
pack. He loves fencing,
in a steeplechase,though he does not
delights

always with

follow

sets forth clean

home

returns

tierce ; and

or

PANORAMA.

FOXHUNTER

jumble of paradoxes.

He

not

for

the

anythingbut litigious,
yet is fond of a
retains Scarlet. He
with
keeps a runningaccount
and
but
check.
As
to
to
Horse, Bog, Fox,
Co.,
cards,in
objects a
he favours Miss
choosinga pack he prefersHunt's. In Theatricals,
namesake
b
ecause
her
the
wrote
Somerville,
Chase, though he never
read it. He
is no
great Dancer, though he is fond of castingoflf
twenty couple; and no great Painter, though he draws covers,
and
bars.

seeks

for

He

brush.

is

He

is

no

Musician,and yet

is fond

of

five

of bark.
He prodespisesDoctors,yet follows a course
fesses
is
it.
is
fond of
perpetually
crossing He
country,but
strongale and beer,yet dislikes any purl. He is good-tempered,
yet
far a Tartar as to prefera saddle of Horse to a saddle of Mutton.
so
He is somewhat
but insists on good breeding
roughand bearish himself,
in horses and dogs. He professes
the Church
nances
Catechism,and counteheathen dogmas,by naming his hounds after Jupiter
and Juno,
to love his

and

Mars
scent.
In

He

says
he inclines

he loves

follows
be

one

knowing,

fellow
swears

but

to

as

he

need

is

He

but

dog

be, yet his neck

many

him

by the

is oftener

in

clear

and is
prosperous,
Hunter
s
Stakes, but

praisesdiscretion,but
fox.

and

He

does

not

dogs giving tongue.

takes

would

shine
To

going to

always

at

care

not

danger than
by a fog.

the

He

as

is

"Winter.

out

long

as

"

He
He

his

he

and

deliver.*'

lord
land-

no

ing
Summeresteems

delightsin

is

bag

He
than

great among

can,

his Heir
But
is in at his death.
goes to earth, and his Heir
stand in his shoes, for he never
wore
anything but boots.

"stand

He

hunter.

the

of

conversazione, but

cat

He

to
a

thief's.

dogs.

He

honest

as

studies

stake

to

milksop,

no

pretends

is

let the

runs

He

He

nose.

rather

conclude,

good

Foxes.

preserves

human
he

on

is

pursuits.

anything, but is beaten

about
fixtures.
of houses, but is particular
the
Hunter," but goes Huntering in the
can

himself
the

yet has

He

Fox.

after

protects Poultry,
leads

doats

Vixen.
objects to destroyinga

business, and

he

violets,but

shrew, but
Pitt, and runs

to

Tally.

for

not

cares

his Wife

Politics

but

He

Diana.

203

FOXUUNTER.

and

does

then
not

204

FANCV

PORTHAIT-

BAILEY

To
"or

It

belongsto

is

called
technically

N.
a

or

"

above

titlerefers not

Publishers

"

"

the 5th of

Hayne3

"

reserve^ held in readiness to fill up the gaps which

exertion
habits
or
or
starvation,
sedentary
may

mental
extraordinary

This wrong

it

at the 6th

November,

perusalof Tayloron

box

was

once

fortune to

my

hour,leavingmy

Early Rising
"

in the Council

make

"

of Twelve.

to Thomas

^but the

Old Bailey.
original
the
of what
l
eisure
composed
Songs
during
courtly
a
Juryman in Waiting that is,one of a corps de
to any

even

set of

BUTTERFLY.

BALLADS.

anticipate
mistake,the
F. W.

BE

I walked

from

On

get into.

bed and

the luxurious

yellow foginto

black one, in my unwilling

to the New
Court, which sweet herbs
way
could not sweeten, for the sole purpose of making criminals uncomeven
fortable.
A

a retired
sea
Captain with a wooden
neighbour,
leg,now
from
the
with
Terrace
a
me
on
literally
l
imped
jury-mast,
Highbury
Halter.
Our legaldrill Corporal
same
a personified
hangingerrand
"

SerjeantArabin, and
the
over, before breakfast,
was

the

when

our

uninitiated

muster
can

roll without
form

no

of the would-be

butter

idea of the

was

ludi-

Nonjurors, aggravatedby
previousoath, the deliveryfrom a witness-box like
and the professional
One weakly old
a pulpit,
gravityof the Court.
but often,
gentleman had been ordered by his physicianto eat little,
fatal consequences
from
and apprehended even
being locked up with
crousness

the

an

of

solemnityof

obstinate

excuses

eleven

another

hirtiself master

of

Vidocq,Hardy Vaux.

and

make

"

his

conscientious

demurrer

desired time

duties,by consultingJonathan

Lazarillo de Tonnes.

But

to

Wild,

the number

of

BAILEY

deaf
was
"

men

who

beyond
Wright on

objectedthe
The

belief.
the

Ear"

hardness

of

Publishers

of

"

Defective

on

their

hearing criminal

Curtis

"

on

the

cases

Ear"

and

(two popular surgical

works, though rather

"

of Pugilism) ought
suggestive

Court.

205

BALLADS.

side

one

to

have

stentorian
I

myself,

strike up singlyin such a chorus of muffled

with
boxed
to be
a
suffered my
common
ears

agents

in

that

ashamed
to
literally
double drums, and tacitly
was

Jury.

arraignment and

heard, on

the

to match,
Judge's charge an
but
catch
the
to
from
defence
the left
failing
great dexterity,
in any sinister verdict.
The learned
hand, refused naturallyto concur
I was
as
only half deaf, only half discharged
Serjeant,I presume,
the
to
relay-box, as a jurorin "Waiting, and
committing me
me,
I
relieved
from which
was
only by his successor, Sir Thomas
Denman,
I
made
his
voice
and to justify
to repeat
even
dullness,
stupendous
my

righthand,

"

evidence

with

"

"

my

dismissal

twice

over

during this compelledattendance that the projectstruck me

of a Series of Lays of Larceny, combining Sin and
"Sentiment in that
which
is
mixture
melo-dramatic
so
congenialto the cholera morbid
and
the
of
present age
sensibility
stage. The followingare merely
specimens,but a hint from the Powers that be, in the Strand, will
volume
of the remainder, with a gratepromptly produce a handsome
ful
Dedication
to the learned Serjeant.
It

was

"

DESCEND

YE

NINE

"

206

LINES
(at

1, NEWGATE

no.

And

was

tillthis hour

That

Oh

! when

Or

some

I snatch'd

WONTintR.}

MR.

knew

owned

never

then to gaze on
It would have been

!
thieving

kiss,
courted.
was
bliss.

love

!
transported

were

you

"

tender

such triflewhen

But

that fair face

"

unfair

an

feeling,

dream

that you had pilfered

lace
Flints had suffer'd from your stealing
!

And

Or when
To

BY

up for

said,indeed,that

But

To

FAVOURED

never

taken

were

you

You

MARY.

I believM you true,

blest in so believing
;

Mary,

But

TO

"

suit I firstpreferred.

my

bringyour

Before
How

I hammer

coldness to repentance.
d out a word.

could I dream

Or when

with

you'dheard

all the warmth

sentence

of

youth

1 strove to prove my love no fiction,

How
could I guess I urged a truth
On

alreadypast conviction

one

How

could I dream

that

Your

hand

I have

where

"

ivorypart.

Altho' it stole away my

Had been held up as one
In

look'd and

!
light-finger'd

your charms
in
The charms
which my muse
Alas ! the lay,I thoughtwas

Oh

! w^hen

Hung

on

that

had

My
And

down

the neck

at

its arms

once

pick'dme

"

new.

form, a lovelyone.

said you pick'dme

must
vanity it now

You've

drew.

delighted

been indicted !

had

I littlethoughtthat you had

A chance of hangingon your

You

linger'd,

heart.

meltingverse

Spoke only what

my
"

and

flown to,

run

too.

own

from

the

shock

it

world,

"

prideis hurl'd,

you'vepick'da pocket!

LINES

Oh

! when

The

banns

if there

Why

did not

But
In

when

some

And

My
And
Who

goodswere
you
could have

to

came

in

down
!

thought

of all your
day discover

I lived up

When

Botany.

slips

"

WERE

WELL

Love, with

wig

in Cavendish

MET.

witness

"

and blacken

we

"

II.

of false

it's him

NKVER

HAD

WE

IF

has shav d off his whiskers

it'shim"

of

prisonships.
Deptford's

"

But

Bay

you've a hulkinglover

patchand

say.

"

"

No.

Oh

Darbies

got any,
obey,

and

honour

tillthis

Bailey?"

if I had

the worst

Oh, Mary

Wears

Old

that link with

yours,

should

"

He

"

"

thoughtyou, Mary Jones,

the parson

when

But, oh,
That

lar

any

shout

rob*d your flesh and bones

white that angelgarb is,

the Joans

I did not

was
one

could have

Among

Dr.

you

that pure

Who

got so far,
Daly,
by

read

were

asked

207

MARY.

love had

our

"Who

TO

d his

brows,

hair,
"

exchangedlovers" vows,
Square.

the same,
beautiful eyes, and his lipswere
And
his voice was
as soft as a flute
Like a Lord or a Marquis he look'd,when he came,

He

had

"

To

make

love in his master

best suit.

208

LINES

If I lived for
I shall

he lov'd

With

their

By

the

Oh

how

the rich

silver and

jewelsand

and bade

me

littleI dreamt

We

met
"

ran

I too
I

wore

^the

"

And
He

my

bran

fit me

to
no

feel

"

watch

was

their

as

he

stride had

my

of this

there he will be tried

The

watch

that went

The

world

may

think

thou hast been

the

too

mine

was

he deserv'd

cause

tether

mine

and

to cells wretched

"

but

gay,

him,

near

to fear him

an

lonely:

artful deceiver

^lieartand feet ache

of this

BTOP

anguish,my

HIM

only.
and

I shall ne'er receive

for
"

leather !

anguish,my

"

sure

me

"

!
tightness

"

his arm,

me

upon

me

his pace was

unalter'd,
^but my
small-boned legsfalter'd.
and unrivall'd their brightness,

"

swore,

done

and

and

cause

had

thoughthe

I hated

how

came,

the

Parody/'" Bailey.

no

sigh,

III.

and an old pf 1 was

againwe met
^but "'twasno use
a
somethinglow

once

"

Oh

pelt

hair"

one

"

"

boots

new
a

for

"

adieu with

spoons !

and

"

cold

to

thou hast been

I seized upon
And
stept
And

mob

nightwas

longedmuch

They
but
I call'd,
Oh

I could not

I felt
He

'twas in

"

earth,

biddinggood-bye

was

I'd be

of

women

gold!

me

No.
"

birth,

my

of moons,

lightof the sweetest

Missis's tea-pot and

my

from

he told ;

beyond

me

he kiss'd

When

longyears

forgetwhat

never

How

To

thousand

MARY.

TO

her,
;

together.

leather.

210

LETTER.

bald head ; Mr. Truman's

Hants, Mr. Perryman'sclean,shining,
Mr.
Cutlet's
and
!
respectable
powdered,
comely and well-combed caxon
Here, such a set of grinning
sooty faces,that if I had been in any
fancied myself at a meeting of Master
other place,I might have
You
know, Jedidiah,how strange
Chimney-sweeps on May-Day.
at times
thoughtsand thingswill haunt the mind, in spiteof one's self,
that
follows
the least appropriate
line
the
The
is
:
rose
red,the
ashamed
violet'sblue,"in the old Valentine,I am
to say, came
across
Then
I
after service,
often.
know
stone
tombnot how
me
no
on
a
sitting
in

"

"

"

"

for

dinner

cheerful bit of chat with

Niggersis

outlandish

so

with

speaking terms
of

the

Pompey,

Greek

is

so

these
on

trips

Englishnot quiteso
one

jabber of
hardly say I am

any

made

England have

is

invitation to

The

I can
unintelligible,

or

no

nor's
Gover-

black, whose
to

"

parishioners,
except

our

Mr.

neighbour

worshipful Churchwardens.

the

from

his

full of

the others. There

as

thing,however,that
ment
great a disappointof my

joyments,
hopes and enI think,if
foreseen it,I should

that

I had
not

have
the

at
The

out, even
Bishop'srequest.
come

song in the

play-book
"

While
know,
says, you
all Barbadoes
bells
do

ting!"

"

but

alas,Jedidiah,

there is not
in the whole

BLACK

BARBERISM.

ringof bells

island !
"

pastime,indeed

You

who

I may

remember

say my

my

fondness for that melodious

for
passion,

Grandsire

Peel of

TripleBob-Majors trulypulled,and the changescalled by myself,as

when I belongedto the Great Tom
Societyof Hampshire Youths,
of coming here,I did not go out
conceive
instead
may
my regretthat,
"

to Swan

River

I shall write

ship.

This

"

told

am

they have a Peel there.

by the Nestor,Bird,which
Lively,Kidd, only to inform

longerletter

by

comes

the

arrived here safe and well.

"

Pray communicate

the same,

is the next
you

that

with my

love

Deborah
not
forgetting
parents and relations,
my
at Porkington,
to Mrs
and Uriah at Pigstead. The
same

and

duty, to

and

Darius

dear

Sexton,and the rest of my clericalfriends. I

have no commissions
at present,
exceptto beg that you will deliver th
I
have written at Mr. Pompey's dictation,
to his old
enclosed,which
black fellow servant,at number
45, Portland Place. Ask for Aga

Pugh, the

memnon

opener,

down

"

the

mentioningin any

Mr.

area.

If

an

quarter that

opportunityshould likewise offer of

the destimight reach administration,

tute state of
the

if,in

time, you could send

mean

it might prove

out

even

set of small

as well
acquisition
parochial

don't omit

and belfreys,
steeples,
pmy

Barbarian

our

211

LETTER.

to

as

Dear
faithful Friend

Your

what

Pompey'sletter

send

"

Clerk,

strangeherd of black cattle I

am

Crumpe.

read.-

to

handbells,

Jedidiah,

and fellow

for you

open,

and

me.

Habakkuk

PS.

-You

will

see

among.

[tub enclosure.]
!"

Aggy

I say,

body
Very well. Runaway Pompey, some?
Me carry out
else. Me Governor's Pompey. You remember
walk.
well.
Amen
and
Massa
a
me
Governor's piccaninny
Very
all bustle.
Barbadoes
write this to say the news.
Nigger-mans do
The Bishop
talkee.
talkee
but
\_Pompeysright^Jedidiah.']
nothing
Missis Bishop. Miss Bishop all the Bishops. Very well.
is come.
in one
out in other ship.
ship,and him wigs come
The Bishop come
first. [^It's
too true^ Jedidiah.']
Bishop come
one, two, three,weeks
Him
no
wig, no
say

remember

You

me

"

"

"

Massa

Bishop.

remember,

you

me

say

too.

so

Amen

Massa

Verywell.
ask

Amen,

thingabout

every

nigger-man,where

him

in a
baptizes
I did.~\Me

'[_So

the sea,

wheres

water.

tell him

river,
any

in the

You

abouts.

at

again,who

me

*ficiates. Me

tell him

[What

Cayman.

could
Jedidiah^

he

mean

Very

The

before

the

other

Bishop

come

to

Governor
at

up

House.

Missis

?]
day
day

dinner

and

verness,
Go-

the

Big

You

Missis

"

de

man^

well.

with

member.
re-

Amen

Massa
ask

in

remember,
Bishop too.

Bishop

set

BT

GUM

I say,
at

me

Aggy,

and my

"

You

AFKRE.

TURBAN

him

and me
candle,
put him out.
Pompey get nothingfor
water, Jedidiah.]

turban afire at

HIM

know

your

Catechism

wife,Black Juno, sometimes.

p?

[ With a kettleof scalding

that.
Very well.
?

Massa

You

Amen

remember.

ask him
Massa

212

FRENCH

Amen

giveup

say, you

AND

Devil ? very well.

Then him say,
you
Then
him say again,
Black Juno, you

? very well.
Pompeys and vanities ?

up

all work

up

your

ENGLISH.

Black

Juno

Massa
no.
say you must, and then
{Jt'sa fact,Jedidiak,the Hack femalemade
Amen

Very

Pompey

of Governor's

he must

Juno

very

send

for

more

Agamemnon's

remember

for

no

wife.

heathenish

dummy

II.

They

call their mothers mareSy

all their daughters
7?//"e*
;

Black
do I. ^

I say, 0 pray one littleword

him good kiss from Pompey.

now.

Black

Diana

kiss too.

more.

LETTERS.

ENGLISH.
speakFrench

!"

"

Addison.

Strangeit was to hear,

I'lltellyou what's a good'un,
They call their leather queers
And half their shoes are wooden.

Signs1

Chaises stand for chairs.

They christen letters Billiesy
And

say, tell Massa

You remember

the little children in France

Staringlike a fool.
And silent as a mummy,
There I stood alone,

King.
bring
non,
AgamemMe

Assembly. ^Jedidiah,
so
Very well.

AND

go to France
Unless vou know the lingo,
If you do, like me,
You will repent by jingo.

the

see

Bell

No

Never

A nation with

Juno

to

to Blackwall.

me

message!]

FRENCH
even

Black

Give

well.

Very

heaven ! Why

for

more

SHIP

Good

Come

remember

say write

IJedidiakfwhat
You

wish

out, you

Amen

Massa

her head, and

say
wife
so much.
my
cry ever
this ridiculous mistake.']

sometimes.
fashions,

some

Him

smart.

send him

You

rum.

shake

in three months

to you

come

remember.

You

too.

some

you

Governor

well.

give
give

had to make,
For every littlenotion.
Limbs all going like
A

telegraphin motion,

For

wine I reel'd about.

To show my meaning fully
And made a pairof horns.
To ask for " beef and bullv.

Then

IV.

Moo

! 1 cried for milk

Never

**

make

Vite! Vite ! Vite ! Vite!"

Auburn,

an

jingo;

silent as a mummy.
I stood alone,
nation with a dummv

veat

"

thems

of
village

become

!'

our

the

plain." Goldsmith,
"

and
topographer,

easier commencement

of
a description
attempting

whoats

VILLAGE.

loveliest

greatanxietyto

lingo;

There

No, Mounseer, not

Sweet

the

do, like me,

will repent,by

And

OUR

"

know

Staringlike a fool,

ride,

"Allons!

can

in it 1

are

If you

I'lltell you how I got it ;

On my stick astride,
I made believe to trot it ;

that I

hog to change,

France,

to

go

Unless you
You

If I wish'd

HAVE

sows

many

strange.
minute.

was

every

bread,

I set a-going,
And asked for new-laid eggs,
By clappinghands and crowing

My jaws

me

here's

Now
How

sweet
thingssnugger,
I kissed Jeannette,
understood for sugar.

'Twas
If I wanted

their cash

It bored

I ^ot my

When

213

VILLAGE.

OUR

of the

village.It will be

I do not know

than by
character,
found,as my friend

"
the way
thingsare drawn mild."
says, that
I know
I live opposite
that to be the sign,
the Green Man.
in

the landlord

of the

over

because
picture,

am

told of the fact in

spite

in three
largegiltletters,
"

of
I'homme verd" is rather
portrait
places. The whole-length
in
sort of wrestling
a
attitude,
imposing.He stands plump before you,
in
the legsstanding
of
dun
brace
decided
with
a
distinctly
boots,
apart,
The rest of
tops,joinedto a pair of creole-coloured leather breeches.
his dress is peculiar
the
and
brown, or, as
coat,a tv/o-flapper,
;
green

several

214

VILLAOB.

OUR

a cocked
tap, half-and-half;

at the

they say

breast

the
crossing

short belt

like

hip of my
the greeny-brown
on
like an entire butt, and the butt

hat

the half

on

flat gas- pipe. The

in the other
friend,

like

hand

one

gun

brewer's whole

cock

with

stock.

stuck
barrel

On

one

side,lookingup at the vanished visageof his master, is all that remains

old dog from
to be some
of a liver-and- white pointer seeming now
"

complexionis

his white

India,for

turned

yellow,and

his liver is more

than half gone !

The inn is reallya very

quiet,cozey, comfortable inn, though the

tion
letters,
methinks,than his informaa fact in larger
landlord announces
Licensed to deal in Foreign Wines and
that he is
warrants,viz.,
"

I trust,are
Spirits" All innkeepers,
to make

so

brazen

brag

licensed ; there is

so

of this sinecure

no

occasion

permit.
*

goldletters of the Green

on
; and
lookingupwards,I perceived
seemed to be suddenly re-gilt
Man
had
been
in
the
clouds,
giving
of
opened
sky-light
that a sort
entrance to a bright
gleam of sunshine,which glowed with remarkable
in the stable-yard,
and broughtthe ducks
effect on a yellowpost-chaise
the
black
horse-pond.Tempted by the
white from
out beautifully
of the
appearance
I put down my

strolled

and

quarter of

the

far,when

thus

written

I had

tarnished

ther,
wea-

pen,
for

out

hour before

an

dinner to inhale that

air,
which, like the
chameleon,I cannot feed.

without

On

return, I found,

my

with
my

that
surprise,

some

papers

good

were

fore
deal discomposed
;but,beI had time for much
tered
wonder, my landladyen-

with

one

of her most

obliging
curtseys,and
that she had

writingin

me

the

it had

and

served
obseen

ing,
morn-

occurred

her

by chance,that I
have
might by possibility
I told her that I had actually
been writing
of the village,
a
description
been engagedon that very subject. If that is the case, of course. Sir,
no
doubt,about the Green Man, beingso close by ; and
you would begin,
about
the sign,and the Green
I dare say, you
would
say something

to

THE

Man

with

his

than
"

half

replied,and

OF

"

OUR

VILLAGE.

top boots,and his gun, and his Indian liver-and- white

pointer,
though his
more

LADY

in

white

gone."
one

to

be

"You

part of the

sure

is turned

yellow,and

his liver is

perfectly
right,Mrs. Ledger,"I
I think I have used almost
description,
are

Oni

your own
L., and
"

eyes.
to save

is

Well, that

curious,
Sir,"exclaimed

not arithmetically,
physically,
castingup
I
to
what
mean
Moreover,
say, is tliis;

trouble.

he studies

has

about

whole

of the

account

an

the

lodgesat

man

young

writ

people
good deal,and

the

There's

who

the way,
The
hand.
over

made

"

words."

very

215

VILLAGE

place call him

all her

Mrs.

hands

and

the

Green

and

only say

that

Grocer's

village
alreadyto

your

the

Poet,but, anyhow,
writes beautiful ; and, as I said before,
has
his
head.
own
Now, it might save
villageout of

Sir,if you
trouble.
that,as far as the

to

was

write

it out, and

am

sure

I have

copy,

Sir." My curiosity
goes, is at your service.
the
and
take
offer
the
induced me
to
as
re^y forestalled what I
;
poem
had to say of the Hamlet, I took my landlady's
advice and transcribed
it, and here it is.
loan

"

OUR

Our

that's
village,

to

VILLAGE."

say not

BY

Miss

VILLAGER.

Mitford's

but
village,

our

village

of Bullock

Is

And

Smithy,
of trees,three oak pollards,
two elders,
and
by an avenue
withy ;
and
an
acre
middle,there's a green of about not exceeding

into

come

in the
a

half;

aH, and fed off by nineteen cows, sii ponies,three

seven
horses,five asses, t\v'o foals,
pigs,and a calf !
held
Besides a pond in the middle,as is
by a similar sort of common
law lease.
dead dogs,
And contains twenty ducks,six drakes,three ganders,
two
a
nd
twelve
four drown'd kittens,
geese.
and
the green s cropt very
does famous
Of course
for bowling
close,
when the littlevillage
boys play at cricket ;
and
Only some
horse,or pig,or cow, or great jackass,is sure to come
It's

to

common

rightbefore the wicket.

privatehouses, let alone
fifty-five
and poultryhuts, and
pig-styes,
stand

There's

With

The

and

cams

workshops,and

such-like sheds

plentyof public-houses two Foxes,one Green Man, three Bunch

of Grapes, one CrowTi, and six King'sHeads.
the only one
that for love or
is reckon'd the best,as
Green Man
"

can

money

raise

lame white horses,and a

a blue
postilion,
jacket,two deplorable
ramshackled
neat post-chaise."
whatsoever
There's one parish church for all the people,
may be their
ranks in life or their degrees,
little Methodist
Except one very damp, small,dark, freezing-cold,
A

"

And

close

chapelof Ease ;
there's
by the church-yard,

stone-mason's

yard,that

and

cherubims

when

the time is seasonable

Will furnish with afflictions sore

low

and

reasonable.

and

marble

urns

very

216

OUR

Tliere's

VILLAGE.

In

cage, comfortable enough ; I've been

and Tom
Pike ;
Jeffrey
For the Green Man
in
next door will send you
a

else you like.

I can't speak of the stocks,
as

nothingremains

it with

ale,gin,or

of them

Old Jack

any

but the

thing

upright

post ;
But

for the
pound is kept in repairs
alwaysthere almost.
There's a smithy of course, where
that queer
Old Joe Bradley,
hammers
and stammers, for he
Perpetually
the

Mr.
But

sorts,that sells every

shop of all

when

of Cob's

sort of

chap in

and

stutters

horse,as is
his way,

shoes horses

badly.

very

There's

sake

Task

you

kept by
thing,

the widow

of

there it's ten

go

to

she's out of every

one

thingyou

ask.
You'll know

her house

There

the

by

cask

sugary
six empty

of

swarm

about
boys,like flies,

the old

houses,and not so well paper'dinside as out.

For bill-stickerswon't beware, but sticks notices of sales and election
placardsall about.
That's the Doctor's with a green door,where
the gardenpots in the
are

windows
A

is

seen

that don't

weakly monthly rose

blow, and

As

for

But

hoUyoaks at

cottagedoors,and

you may
go and whistle ;
the Tailor's front gardengrow two

There

one

and
geranium,

are

honeysucklesand jasmines,

of
a dock, a ha'porth
cabbages,
is the

"

"

pear-treesthat don't bear

two

green.

and a thistle.
two dandelions,
pennyroyal,
three small orchards
Mr. Busby'sthe schoolmaster's
chief

With

the

dead

tea-plantwith five black leaves and

and

plum

; one

by a thief.
every year is stripped
Tliere's another small day-school
too, kept

by

the

apple,that

an

Mrs.
respectable

Gaby.
A

select

for
establishment,
and
girls

There's

There's

once
barber's,

window

with

on
a-

his

like
living

week

other Christian sort of folks

two

feminine

men's

heads, and

ladies in false curls ;

and a carpenters, and
butcher's,

he won't bake
merchant

on

rough black-bearded

filled with

well

churls.

and a
green-grocer's,
But

four little

smokes,

shock-headed
a

big,and

For the rector don't live

And

one

baby ;
rectory,with pointedgablesand strangeodd chimneysthat
never

There's

six little boys and

masculine

and
plumber's,

small

baker.

Sunday, and

and
besides,

two

an

there's

undertaker

a.

sexton

that's

coal-

218

SCRAPE-BOOK.

THE

breath
a
four suits of trumps.
They get windfalls,without
in lotteries. On
the
Prizes turn up for them
stirringas legacies.
hold

"

horse

turf, their
dive

they

on

tie their halter to

or

worst, in

hook, that unseals

They enjoy a whole

trpng to drown themselves,
since the Spanish Armada;

undiscovered

treasure

some

wins.

always

"

the very

At

of benefits.

season

outsider

an

"

hoard

in the

ceiling.That's

their luck.

hope

it will die

Other
to insert

mine

to

of fortune, called ill-luck ;

That's my luck.

kind

is another

There

"

the betters say, I have always

extracts,bitter as extract of bark.

April 1st.
over

able

bald

torn

it should

by

out

lamp
252

ditto in the house

12th.

adored

my

Belinda

snatch

attempted to

Purchased

first time

men
"

found
are

Belinda

myself
by

on

thrown

nothingis so

hard

to

so

the

coll.

per

wounds, and
what

"

as

luck

my

picked up by
provideiitially
afterwards.

Saved

from
single,

brothers and

to

my

be

none

luck !

"

fightme

striking

for

gentlethat a lady might

quieter,
except the leather
for the
Change. Meant

Park

"

put my
instead

saddle

in

foot

of

does it for

^unless it be the fourth

"

the

the mare's.
me.

flagor

of

Harley-Street.
ofi"Greenwich, but
coal-brig,
steamer, that burst her boiler directly

scalded !

very

sisters tumbled

to

back

own

my

from the post at the north comer

14th. Run
in a wherry by
down

the

sus.

"

stingsat last

wanted

their horses,but

stone

came

into

black eye, in the open street,aiming

her reticule.
Belinda's part taken

warranted

mare,

ride with

to

and
stirrup,

Well,

by

of

arrows

dog. Staggered

sow

oil for my

her,and, indeed,no animal could be

formerlyin the Show-room, at Exeter

Other

on

Two

bee-blind

Rushed

the

one,

havingan

operations.

lad who

ride

"

collared

of the

and

"stings
house

; relieved

thanks

swarmed

Others

Tiger,the

big rascal,as deaf as a post,who

woman."
My luck again.

by

be

luck.

that's my

and
pig-sty,

into the

9th. Gave

But

!"

bees

perfecthumming-top !

her sucklings
kicking
; recommended

for
but

at

seemed
"

and
horse-pond,

incontinent

head

few

honeymoon,

of the insects
calf.

my

of the

has 252

He

Some

settleon

Witness

book.

in the firstweek

them.

check

to

stings
fifty-two

and

outrageous fortune

by

day

bad

father-in-law's beehives !

my

My

hands.

hundred

the

this

on

to
against
me, preferred

account
my

Married

he is now

to me,

you

peoplekeep scrap-books
; but I, a scrape-book.It is theirs
facetias of all kinds ;
anecdotes,caricatures,
bon-mots, riddles,
in
record mischances, failures,
accidents,disappointments;

short,as

stumbled

that
ill,

so

^but it don't.

"

But

childhood.
down

misfortunes
I remember

stairs,
they

with

never

me

when

alwayshitched

my

little

halfway

It could not
turned the comer.
angle. Mi/ luck invariably
bear to bate me
a single
bump.
17th. Had my eye picked out by a paviorwho was aannq his way,
he did'nt care
where.
Sent home
in a hackney chariot that upset.
Paid Jarvis a sovereign
for a shilling.
My luck all over !
at

THE

money!

school.

charity

fire.

on

enough /or

Lucky

"

all the

flue

My

1st of May.

219

SCRAPE-BOOK.

me

Boys

"

are

Not

^the

he

to

sweep

parish engine

fond

of

playing

for

love

or

arrived, with

soon

and

"

had

indulged their
Every friend I

best drawing-room.
propensity by playing into my
black
had
Nothing but Lacedemonian
dropped in to dinner.
at least
have
Others
pint-luck
pot-luck,but I have not even
right sort.
8th. Found,
garden had
on
getting up, that the kitchen
some
stripped by thieves, but had the luck at night to catch
"

broth.
of the

been
one

in

Afraid
to
call out, for
own
trap.
garden, by walking into my
to a dead
would
have
hit me
fear of being shot at by the gardener,who
certainty for such is my luck !
10th.
My old friend Bill
Agricultural distress is a treat to mine.
Corn-bill
call him
I must
henceforth
has, this morning, laid his
the

"

"

"

unfeelingwooden

leg on

tenderest

toe, like

In

of

Dibdin,

that

oak

spite

believe

heart:

I don't
has

it would

or

my

thresher.

any

be

not

walking tread-mill
12th.
Two
piecesof "my

such

usual."

by

First knocked

mad

picked

bull.

by

up

Any

body

have

found

pick-pocket.
honest

one

of

but

done

him,

bound

and

exporting
I

performed

in

well

justice,for
with

14th.

last
"

My

the
a

tify
iden-

faction
satishim

to

suppose

next

number
not

CORNISH

MAN.

of

court

Middlesex

if I had

pocket,
pick-

to prosecute,

the

Botany bay.

serve

to

over

had

cident
ac-

design.

the

able

to

by

by
and

was

of

bom

done

Luckily forme

mane
hu-

whole

am

suffer, whether
or

would

me

out

down

Secondly,

but

man

crowd

at

day

"

^''Encore

jury,
in the
lost the

at

the

un

Old

lotteryhas
ticket.

coup

!"

Bailey,
come

up

"

for
a

had

summons

to

fortnight.
capitalprize. Luck
a

220

STORY.

TRUE

face
upon the human
yellow jaundiceand the jaundiceblack,

Whoever
The

May

has

form

"With

seen

Case

notion of old Colonel

waitingat his back.

niggerPompey

Had

is,many time witli folks

hot Bengal,Calcutta,or Bombay,
tint his tint as Scottish tongues would say

And

show'd

Case,
From

the

as

"

Pompey,
In hue
And

cheeks

two

the

was

case

chip of

Coming,
Case

like his master

he

did,of

the liver s

wore

old ebon block,

some

might indeed have

as

yolks.
yellowas eggs'*

as

Must

wear,

Like

Greenwich

their

stiffcravat.

claimed

an

akin to

that^

old black stocks

such

liverythat

to denote,
past excesses
that
take too much.
pensioners

And

then do penance in a yellowcoat.

Pompey's,a deep and permanent jet dye,

stain of nature's

We

call

Because

"

fast colours

merely,I

"

such colours

never

go

Pray mark this difference

Pompey's black husk, and
The

Colonel,once

long Indian

rubber

plenty of pagodasin

To

Wicklow

harbour

one

fly.
and

sallow,

yellow

pennylessbeginner.

Deem'd

suppose,

the old Coloncrs

With

homeward

or

of dark

From

And

of those

stainingone

a winner.
pocket,
turninghis Hibernian thought,
the very placethat ought
was

whose

rose

wick

his

was

in the socket.

Unhappily for Case''s scheme of quiet,

Wicklow
justthen was in a pretty riot,
A fact recorded in each day'sdiumals.
Things,Case was not accustomed to peruse,
Careless of
But

news

Full

Pompey always read

of Killmany and of

The

freaks of

some

these

bloodyjoumalsi,

Killmore

work.

O'Shaunessy's
shillaly,

TRUE

STORY.

Of morning

O'Brien Burke,
fraysby some
nightlyoutrageby some
Daly ;
o
f
the
DeviPs
deserving
ladle,

Or horrid
How

scums

Would

the harmless

fall upon
if he found

And
Stem

Rock

an

would

scull and knock

it,

infant in the cradle

hardlyhesitate to

and

In fact,he read of burner

rock it ;"

killer.

of

Irish ravages, day after day,

Till,hauntingin his dreams, he used to say.
That " Pompey could not sleepon Pompeys Pillar"
And

the horror of the

Judge then

face
nigger'^s

of that dire
impressions
That Case, ^hismaster, was
a packingcase
To

find

with

"

such

land

"

"

"

Ireland !

For
He

in fearful reveries arise,

saw
of those dreadful
Phantasmagorias
Whose

associate with

fame

FitzgeraldsTones
"

"

Those

Emmets"
As

He

"

not

Doctor

felt himself

Irish

O'^Connors

men

plotsis,
Hares

"

"

and then
"

littlein his eyes

Watts's !
so

"

piked,roasted,
"

hack'd,

carv'd and

big black burly body seemed in fact

for Terror's pins and needles,
pincushion

His
A

Oh,
Of
Of

"

he wisli'd himself beneath

how
Afric

"

or

in far Barbadoes

new
Bishop Coleridge's

"

the

sun

one

black beadles.

Full

"With
As

broken

black

Plump'd
Thus

and

in

his

on

fright,
broken
and

raven

any

rushed

Pompey

this

of
peace

as

STORY.

TRUE

and

knees,

croaking,

as

master's

his

upon

English choking,

clasp'd

sight,
his

sable

digits.

stirringCuriosity's sharp fidgets

"

"

Massa

Massa

!
"

Colonel

"

Massa

"

Case

"
.

Not
Dem

take

Oh

have

Putting

"

Not

And

"

'

Massa

And

be

Pompey

not

"

(so

killed

I be

killed

"

POMPBV

his

to do

^'cause

FILLaK

his

stop.

Sirrah

yellow,

"

"

mirror

japan,

own

quick

"

Massa

"

made

murder'd,

upon

explanation

'cause

"

"

Ireland, fellow.

to

pointing in

the

drop

every

"

Pompey

should

that

place

distance

anger's tinge

has

bad

existence.

to

saffron, and

what

Massa"

"

answer,

Colonel's

Well,

period

with

for

far

so

Here

why

"

Case,

Pompey,
"

Irish

"

"

Ireland

to

murder'

Cried

The

life ?

dam

dem

go

awful

an

go

"

Massa

him

Ireland

bloods

our

for

why

To

Ireland

to

go

"

"

speak outright, boy

ran)

Orange

Pompey

not

Man,
a

White

Boy

**

223

"

To

O,

NOTHING

THE

SORROWS

mention

onlyby

name

smile

on

IN

LIFE

CAN

US."

SADDEN

UNDERTAKER.

OF

AN

the

sorrows

Undertaker,will be
words
mere
faces,
suggest a
solemn stalking
parody of griefto the satiric fancy ; but givea fair
the veriest mocker
learn to pity
hearingto my woes, and even
may

likelyto

raise

most

of

"

an

the

"

Undertaker

an

who

has been

unfortunate

My Father,a Furnisher
say of me,
noticingsome

and

for

the

Undertaker."

and

I did for him

I took

But

was
prediction

wrong

in the way of business. Having

a
very fair stock and business.

the Black

door,it threw

Sea

crape

the

cares

"

over

and

when

I read my

to

do

never

Parent

my

"

lied,

other alternative,

no

I felt at firstas

name

the

upon

that I did not

spirits,

my

line,used

I should

"

that

of
possession

plungedin
some

"

undertakings.

funeral

in the

boyish levities

"

an

Performer

in all his

get

if

shop

rid of for

months.

Then

came

the funerals

Late.

not

were

The

of business.

mutes, who

were

grown
for the lean and lank visagedkind.

soughtabout

fat and
But

that

of the

in the time

performed as
decorously

so

discharged
my

insinuated

scandalous

and
jocular,
demure

these

pruned my
whose
merrie men,"
again to my
fault
of
only
was
making a pleasure their business.
Soon after this,
and obtained
I made
myselfprominentin the parish,
But
a contract
for Parochial Conchology or shells for the paupers.
this even, as I may
down
tressels.
its
first
broke
Having as
on
say,
firstjob to inter a workhouse
and wishingto
female"
^Etat. 96
my
gain the good opinionof the parish,I had made the arrangements

rogues

cheated

and
scarfs,

and

was

robbed

driven

me

"

plucked my

feathers and

"

back

"

"

"

with

more

than

Placing
myself at
of
solemnity

usual

the

decency.
head, with my

the

The

step,I set forward, and

at
were
company
best burial face,and my

thanks

to

my

door.

slowest

deafprofessional

224

^egg^induced
the church
the house.
it

an

"

notion

serious.

for foot funerals.

So much

jobbersat

chargesof the
Mourning

of my
these
of

Coaches
One

to match.

"

dealer

the

told

never

for coach

Now

last induced
own,

with

to

me

sleek

ebony

me

up

been

and

Hearse

horses
long-tailed

had

"

extravagant
a

sold to

been

vice ; and

and free from

that he had

The

set

that
poor
the ferment

contract.

my

work.

the finest of the set

warranty of being sound

under

amongst the
remains,and

arose

proud to walk alongwith their

compelledto giveup
high,that I was finally

so

but

the constant

by

was

consequence
I was
too
ran

UNDERTAKER.

AN

tillat
perceived,
hammering I never
had not stirred from the door of
gates,that the procession
not lost upon my two Mutes, who
So good a joke was
the
But to me
after occasions.
for chucklingon
excuse

"

made

OF

SORROWS

THE

so

he

mo

was,

charger Astley's.
at

his very

on
Accordingly
performance,in
passingthroughBow,

first

time

at that

"

kind

he

Fairy Land,
thought proper,

of

"

on

showman's

hearing

dance

to

trumpet,

cotillionin his feathers !

There

nothingto

was

be done

but

three

with

on

travel

to

the

to

sold the

at

caperer

merry
whom

exhibition

this

him

favourite.

my

with

mourners,

made

the

heavy loss,and to
infinite regret of

had

stage, where

next

great
this

From

business
period my
rapidly declined, till
instead

of five

demises,on

an

or

six

FAIRY

average, 1 put in

only two

LAND.

defuncts

and

half per

week.
In this

"

"

brought to me that promised

One
morning a brace of executors
walked into the shop,and handing to me
the following
of a
extract
will,politely
requestedthat I would perform accordingly and with
the pleasing
addition that I was
The
of the expense.
to be regardless
to make

extremitya

amends

black

for the rest.

job

was

fine

"

Item, I will and desire that after death,my

the same
to be afterwards
a
body
strong leaden cofiin,
of oak, and therein my remains to be conveyedhandenclosed in one
somely
***
to the village
of
in Norfolk,my birth-place
; there to lie,
in
the
Family mansion now
beingduly watched, duringone night,
document
be

ran

thus

placed in

"

226

SAWE

Mayd

MAYD.

NURSE

CARELESSE

THE

sitte on

Bank,

And

fond ;
She
Vowes
whiles His flatterynge

Her

Nurselyngesliptwithin

For

She

The

Sunne

"With
That
She
Past

She
With

deemd

Her

beingWhipt

for

he

Momente

that Echo

Mayd

was

to be

the Ladde

TO

THE

round

answerde
soe

that her Care

ACCUSTOMED

Sinne,

nowe

in.
fallynge

beginnesto wayle

Shrikes

the Urchine's

owne

wist

She

frownyngeBrowe,

and

out, but

plucktHim

Kinde

was

before

drank,

Kist,

sett behinde

had

Sonne

O ! foolishe
The

down

went

angrieHands

then

and

they Talkde
fayreand He

was

Pond

Tide

All Even

Another

fayne and

Wooer

Beguiledby

CARE

"

sadde
was

OF

drownd

CHILDREN."

227

FANNY.

TO
Gay being,born
then, Fanny !
faith,
with
chat
What,
every Dun
I'm the one, then, but of many,
Not of many, but the One !

to

flutter!"

Is this your
to

nightyou smil'd on all,Ma'am,

in scarlet dress ;
That appear'd
And your RegimentalBall,Ma'am,
Last

Look'd

littlelike

Mess.

thoughtthat of the Sogers

(As the Scotch say)one might do,
And that 1, slight
EnsignRogers,
the chosen

man

and

But 'Sblood ! your eye was

With that ragamuffin
mob
Colonel Buddell
Colonel
"

And

Lieutenant-Colonel

General Joblin,General Jodkin,

Colonels" Kelly,Felly,
with

Majors Sturgeon,Truffle,Bodkin,
"

And

the Quarter-master Smith.

Major Powderum

MajorDowdrum"
Major Bye
Major Chowdrum
CaptainTawney CaptainFawney,
CaptainAny-one but I !
"

"

"

"

"

Was

Sale's Glee.

"

true.

busy
;

"

DizzyCobb.

take it! when

Deuce
You

so

you lov'd
But I now
am

That

regiment
onlythought
it in abridgment,
better taught1 |

I went, as lovingman
To admire thee in
But

Fan, you

With

"l2

the

I
praised,

dance

goes.

quadrilles
;
fandangoes

justany fop that wills !

228

FANCY

THE

before us,
Love
of
to touch ;
On the lay
the
all
But with
Corps in chorus,
!
is
indeed
too much
Oh ! it

You

I am,

with notes

I went

once

ere

"

For the

you

Army
laugh with
sighalone

But now
you
And I may

I know

not

how

But

You're

On

Fan, and I

it,

littlehurt

nothingbut

feel it,

must
a

thy smiles of beauty

myselfalone did fall ;
"

You have
Of new

dares.
passion
advances,
my
your

THE

taken

It I gave

ROUND

"

you

fine Round

FANCY

"

FAIR.

it is

kept

thither,is

Captain

is

lighter

vanity."
Progress.

Ross.

Fancy

**

Fair,"said my friend L., in his usual quaintstyle, is

subjectfor fancy ; take up your pen and try. For instance,

fair

there

placeBoothia.""

ROBIN.

Pilgrim's
this

Robin

all their names

"
It beareth the name
of Vanity Fair, because
the town
where
than vanity;*and also because all that is there sold,or that cometh

named

in

quitea mob
flames ;
military

They would make

airs.

"I

FUrt

"

ever

are

am

all the Staff, But alas !

Cosi Fan Tutti !"
!
It is thus,Fan, thus will all!

it chances,

When
my
But the warmer
Then the cooler

I dreamt
own

my

I don't conceal

Fit for

contracted
seem'd

"

FAIR.

was

one

held

at the

Mansion

House.

Conceive

shambling

shock-headed

of Bow, Bamet, and

familiar with the wakes
clodpole,
his
the
into
awkward
Bartlemy,elbowing
Egyptian Hall, his
way
round
of seeing
in the ludicrous expectation
eyes and mouth
all-agape
the Lord
Mayor standingon his very "Worshipfulhead, the Lady
a hundred
Mayoresslifting
weightby her Right Honourable hair,the
Sword-Bearer
swallowinghis blade of state,the Recorder conjuring

ribands

from

with

la Pierrot !

man
eloquentmouth, and the Senior AlderpaintedYork-and-Lancaster-face,
dancing a saraband a
Or fancy Jolterhead at the fair of the Surrey Zoological,

his learned

his clumsy
forcing

and

destructive

course

through groups

of female

THE

hog in
long
inspecting

like
fashionables,
of

primebeasts and
stock

the

intention
equallylaughable

CATTLE

SHOW.^^_

lean

handlingthe
coughing

of

tulipbed, with

short horns,

and

horas

226

FAIR.

FANCY

porkersand

gine
Nay, imaour
bumpkin at
great Fancy Fair

the colts.

the

of all,blundering
up
stall

kept by a
quiring
RoyalDuchess,and in-

to

veringly
giltgingerbread
perse

for

a
King and Queen
long-promised
fairing
"

Bill

brother

to

at

LeightonBuzzard

"

Little did L. dream

duringthis

flourish of

sical
fancy,that his whimfiction had
forestalled
features

Dont

is no

sea

fair no

the

pintof

Both

allude

coarse

fair at all and About

a

much

atacht

man

to write
libberty

beingHoaxt

to

as

or

up

fancy as

you

to the

about

Lonnon, to
mite fancy on
to

pin.

Have

the

cumming of Age, and bean to

Chickingdown to the fite last
Buls
drawd
Baggers, and Kild rats myself
wot
Fancy his.
my hone Dogs. Ought to no

bated

Gaim

the

say with
is no re-comendation

to

England. Ought
Only

it,without

the fare sects but

blest if our

"

But

to

out

of

and

thimbel

rig,no

hone

littleFare

bean

then wot

no

Guvvemess

no

have

could Sea

job
Toy shop

since

Fancy, ever

for the Lonnon

like fare.

veyed
con-

"

from
fite,
Puglistical

Has

Am

Of

joke.

follerd

Self prays
Revvle
in

after

if you Be a Hamshire
man,
such myself,have took the

no

as

what

meening

his

SUR,

fancy,but

weak.

BEEF.

shade
of vexation passed over
by fact; and a
he perused the followinghints from
Hants, as
bond fideletter to the Editor of the Comic Annual.

HONNORD

every

OF

while

in

Have

ROUND

been

down

at every

Fare

nothin

like

Town

with

Fair "Waik

or

is.

and

nothing
galsskool looking

Fancy

Lots of
ogleinlike Winkin.
prikingin the garterno nothing.

all

at Goos

Grean

dont lick it all to

Rastlin,a Sopped
Styx. Bulbeating,
Baggerdrawing,Cuggleplaying,
of Cox Jackasreacing
Mane
a
pigtale,
jumpin in Sax and a Grand
Sire Peal of Trouble Bobs puld by the CoUige youths by way of givin
Best
Call that Fancy. Too Wild
to the hole.
Shoes,
a Bells Life
fore theaters besides a Horseplay a Dwarft
Child
She
Giant
fat
a
a
a

230

THE

five carriboo

prizeox
Hares

savidgesa

real See Murmad

Call that

Now

for

FANCY

FAIR.

lurned

Fir Eater

Lonnon.

No

Sanderses

boxis to

shy
menageris backy
no
juglingor Dancing. Prest
and trowsers verry civelly
For a bit of
the

got on

hi

rop,
for

riddingbabbit

kicked

of her

out

calld for

the faver

Booth.

that swallerd

laidythere

and

Goos

Dutchesses

hoop.

but Prefer

and

Must

xcept
every

at

by

the

not

"

and

wite

Juddis.

Lonnon

that
enuf

"

I had

as

Countisses
Miss

am

to

you

baggidgeto bye

laidyin

yung
caper

No

poster

riige oheaks

the tite rop

on

"

conestubble.

little horsemunshipand

Askt

But

annother

got

JEW-

Show.

at

Dont

that have

Verry dignified,

Fare.

sea

been

in Watch

anny think
born with

all their

Biffins.

sorry
let alone

besides
says

one

wumwills

no

Boxis.

for my
! Saw a
munny
yung
wasnt
too Partickler to jump threw

PLAY

thing for Goos

one

Dump

part of
Greenish

by

out

legs

say

Wurk,

lucky

no

"

look dull after that

the "Wax

Pappers cut
harms

with

Grean

Sord and

FAIR

of

Richardsens

no

"

for

makin

in

Albany

Fare.

no

miss

Pigg an

and lots of Punshes

to

Grean.
say

Never

lost my

singlesovran.
Yung Laidy that

And

for my

five

got

Reader

Tim

of

shillin Pin

Day

newer

but

Cushins.

my
and

pockit pict
Ticker

and

lost the

best

gave
I

was

Wish

change.

gammund
Charrity

TUB

had

stayd

And

the

boddys

Hoam

at

make

her

got

coald

by waitingoutside.

Bran

enuf

in their

hole

Mash.

Hos-

the

told

Am

Mare

ould

231

FAIR.

Charrity phicushins hadn't

five

to

The

FANCY

pittledon't clear anny

grate proffitsafter all
is dun
A

should

Fare and

oght

fokes

do

to

does.

enuff.

Like

and

Fare

Booths

Room

as

notion

that

wood

keep

take

Munny if they
abuv having the
drums

and

Theres

You

at

next

Fare

sea

Green

pint

off Dorters

the dolls

ence.
Differ-

Match-

getting

along with
ar

we

FANCY-FAIRmaS

littel

for Ginuen

out, but

Green

and

in Flur-

and

macking

sur,

Goos

the

out

Maybe
tashun, and

cut

dubble

Hog !
be happy,

Shall
to

wasn't

gongs.
like goin

nothin

the hole

moor

speakin

and

trumpets

Room

at

Have

Peeressis

be

Goos

to Goos

Fancy

Fair

and

Fun

and

Play

its

Green.

Sur,

Remain

Your

humbel

tu

command,
Giles.

Jacob

Fare.
our

Yallintin?

Think

P.S.

Shant

hone

rabits.

Gals

"

"Watchpokitand
butter

no

of straw.

trusses

its

its all to be

by

and

Pickfurd

no

is at

setten

of
of

sowin

kind

the
bran

day

and
up

blest if its for litterin down

Am
to

Yan.

markit

at

and

No

it.

keap

large

across

cum

crammin

satten

amung

on

dont

she

and

Fancy

next

going

of

the Bottom

Hens

for

fixter

Good

Tother

else.

nothin

foldingpapper
got

sumthing
just begd a sak

suspect Mrs.

packin egs

sniping ribbins
how

Polly as

Pincushins

be

day wood
Sniff

why.

say

mear

chumin

Turkis

"

All

splittinghole

Horsis.

Dont

no

Lonnon, the nine Gals and all 'xcept

232

HUNGERFORD

POEMS,
There, in

Poetry

and

respectsthan

GENTLEMAN.

POOR

lonelyroom, from bailiffssnug,

stretched beneath
Scroggins

found

poverty begin with

one,

"

are

as

the

like each

rug.

letter,and,

same

other

as

Goldsmith.

"

Ps."

two

"

in

Nine

more

tailors

the

Their votaries
making of a man, but not so the nine Muses.
mutton
onlywater-drinkers,
cold,and dwelling
notoriously
eating

are
are

in attics.
"

Muse

The

BY

MARKET.

Look

at the miserable

Butler,"says

Mr.

"

lives and deaths recorded of the poets.

in a
and Goldsmith
a
cellar,

D'Israeli, lived in

Deserted

St.
carried on
Village.Savage ran wild, Chatterton was
Augustine'sBack like a young gipsy; and his half-starved Rowley
and spinach. Gray's
always said heigho,when he heard of gammon
fabulous.
Falconer was
ode-ious, and Gay's gaietywas
days were
Homer
blind
and
raised
a subscripa
shipwrecked.
was
tion
Pope
beggar,
"

for

him, and went snacks. Crabbe found himself in the poorand Milton was
led up and
house, Spensercouldn't afford a great-coat,
the expense of a dog."
down by his daughters,
to save
It

seems

all but

Pope

has

what

execrable

In

shown

to
impossible

how

rhymes

he
hay-cart

verses

are

Sir Richard

be

poet,

written

by

Blackmorc

mighthave sung like

Bums.

in

easy circumstances.
of Quality and

Ladies

composed

"

in his chariot.

234

BY

POEMS,

POOR

GENTLEMAN.

STANZAS.

WRITTEN

UNDER

THE

FEAR

BAILIFFS.

OF

Alas ! of all the noxious

things

That

wait upon the poor,

cruel is that Felon-Fear

Most

That

Saint

haunts

the

!'

Door

Debtor's

"

Sepulchre's
beginsto toll.
Sheriffs seek the cell :

The

"

So I expect their officers.

And
tremble at the bell !

I look for heer^and

With

And

yet

at every
fright

dread

I've not

quake

tap ;

for
douhle-knock^

single
rap !

SONNET
IN

WRITTEN

Oh, blessed
The

ease

no

more

is gone

overseer

WORKHOUSE.

of heaven

I ask

that vandal

"

elf

"

hemp, unpick'd,may go and hang itself,

I, untask'd,except with Cowper'sTask,
leisure bask.
blessed literary

And
While
In

lose the workhouse,

And

savingin

the works

and Burkes
Of Goldsmiths, Johnsons,Sheridans,
Eat prose and drink of the Castalian flask ;
The

themes

Locke, the anecdotes

of Gay, the Grave

of

humorous

The

I hear

But, hark !
And

Thomson's

Must

be to

the master

Castle,that
a

me

Metiiought
When

change came
"

for

With

A
o'er the

Fancy

Indolence,

SOMNAMBULIST.
of
spirit

is the

I ascended

heartfelt

the stair

on

my

hope of

dream.""

Byrok'

gadder
strangest

sleepall homely mundane

Methoughtthat

"

castle in the air.

SONNET
"

of

Spence,

of Blair

hence

toil,unletter'd labours

Unlearned

of

ties hath

riven

Jacob's ladder,

gettingup

to Heaven

"

BY

POEMS,

bell,I

Some
When
And
Nor

yet

But

POOR

that

it had

became
of landing-place
with

on,

When,

tears

Tramp

tramp

"

FUGITIVE

on

tramp

"

LINES

pot-a-lile: "

Aurum

from

wiped, and

are

tramp

Gold

Farewell

then, my

We're

to my

come

there ;

all care.
hearts forget
their

sadder

"

ON

"

aware

eleven.

still,
hope, I struggled

steadfast

lo ! I wakened

chimed

seem'd
flight

gainthat blessed haven

Where

soundingseven

was

long one-pair;

when

step in endless

235

GENTLEMAN.

whence,

not

I set foot upon

still I climbed

Step after
To

knew

ill,

stair

"

the Brixton

upon

"

PAWNING

WATCH.

MY

biles the

Free

pot.
"

Translation.

goldenrepeater,
old

Uncle's

shop ;

hunger won't be a dumb-waiter.

The Cerberus growlsfor a sop !

And

To

quit thee, my comrade diurnal.

scotch ;
will certainly
My feelings

But

oh ! there's

And

Famine

hunger'sa

Oh
I

riot internal,
for the Watch

calls out

terrible trial,
have

reallymust

relief,
"

So here goes the plateof your dial

Williams's beef !
To fetch me
some

As

famish'd

any lost seaman,

I've fasted for many
a
dawn.

And

now

And

I've

as

must

with

play chess

giveit a check with

Demon,

pawn."

since diningat Buncle"'s,

fasted,
days with true Perceval zeal
make
Uncle's,
must
now
up at my

Two
And

the

"

meal.
By gettinga duplicate

No

Peachum
That

Alas ! I must
And

it is,or

riflesmy
make

pick my

Lockit,

young

fob with
own

gravy-soup

snatch ;

pocket,
of my

watch

Mill !

236

BY

POEMS,

GENTLEMAN.

POOR

long I have wanderM a starver,

keen as a hawk
as
;
getting
take up a carver,
Time's longhand must
So

I'm

His short hand

"

oh ! it is

I've been

such

Alas ! when
I've

gone
But now

Folks
But

Since

talk about

fetch

rag
me

walls,

supper ;
go to Three Balls !
"

for dinner.
dressing
I

undrest

am

suit of my

or

Time."

for my

for dinner

Christmas,as

I haven't

I wish

dance

I must

I have

is,

Street the upper

I lived between

I've eaten

To

out of my

"

in Brook

to

UNCLE

Apprentice,
Brownrigg''s

be

In comfort

MY

Poverty'scrime

I thus must

fork.

sad the event

Right heavy and

But

of

SOUL

PROPHETIC

MY

OH

lay hold

sinner,
best.

mummock

chop

or

steak

that the coats of my stomach

AVore such as my UucIq would take !

THE

When

My
But

LIFE

OF

dishes

were

watch

used

now

have

So go,
Must

off,if you
the old Seven

and

"

But

furnish

denials,

no

I can't fob it

stay,
Dials

the time of the

tell me

chimes

To

chime-

dinner in lieu of the time !

My cravingwill

Your

garnish

with

warn

repeatermust

my

The

with

ready
to

237

ZIMMERMANN.

I shall

never

day.
hear

more

part is a Tic Douloureux

has his edax

Tempus

I have

And

Farewell

'em,

rerum,

Feeding-Timetoo

my

then,my

goldenrepeater.
Uncle's old shop"
come
And
Hunger won't be a dumb-waiter,
The Cerberus growlsfor a sop !
We're

to my

THE

LIFE

ZIMMERMANN

OF

(by himself).
This,this,is solitude."

"

Byron.

I may
almost say, an
orphan : my Father died three
before I saw
the light,
and my Mother
three hours after ^thus
left in the whole world
alone,and an only child,for I had

bom,

WAS

months
I

Lord

"

was

Brothers

neither

Sisters

nor

much

for
after-passion

of my

solitude

ascribed to this cause, for I believe our tendencies date themselves

much
earlier age, or, rather,
from
a
youth,than is generally

might be

It

imagined.
and

had

I have

firstwords
she

or

"

"

personalsin the

singular.I
of
game
dummies.

aptitudeto

an

I learnt to say,
it
^but I was

or

was

cards
Of

plural;
fond of
of

of

age I

who

was

reallywere

was

took in

were

my

could

at nine

alone

go

months,

life. The
all the rest of my
thou
or
or he
myself,I

goingalone
"

by

long time

"

"

"

before

little games

could
habits

and

playingat Solitaryor
own

my

books, my

the firstpart,for I
the natives

that I

remarked

was

at

pronounce

was

Robinson

not fond of the intrusion of

Savagesto spoilsuch

happilyplaced with the

only the limited number

Rev.

Patience,or

another

with

three

Crusoe, especially

Friday,and thought

solitude.

At

ten

years

a widower,
Steinkopff,
had
a
nd
only me
pupils,

Mr.

of six

"ny

equally

were

invention,namely, whist,
favourite

"

238

THE

beginwith

here

LIFE

OF

ZIMMERMANN.

enjoyed myself

much, learningin a first

play time at hoop, and
other pretty
not
requiring
partners. My playgroundwas, in
games
I
did
and
of
not even
short,a garden Eden,
sighfor an Eve, but, like
I was
removed
from
Mr. Steintoo happy to last.
Paradise,it was
to

and last class in school hours, and

very

playingin

and
at once
the eyes of six
Universityof Gottingen,
of
twelve
hundred
and
the
fastened
pupils,
pupils
eyes, seem
owl forced into day-light
me
: I felt like an
; often and often I
upon
for confining
shamm'd
as
an
excuse
ill,
myself to my chamber,but some
officious would-be
on
friends,
insisting coming to sit with me, as they

the

kopff'sto
hundred

enliven my

said,to
which

solitude,I

subjected
me,

on

But

confinement.
solitary

to

of the

heads

found
College

forced

was

as

last

Prison

this

even

out that

to do

resource

of Howard's
principle

the

pleasure did
confinement
solitary

that

Discipline,
last ; the

not
was

no

ment,
punish-

cell ; in this extremity

I had
put another student in the same
him a convert to my principles,
alternative but to endeavour to make
and

no

days I
independenceof man,

and

in

of

one

in

society,
"

transportof

the

To

this end

sympathy

not

we

keep
even

convincinghim

pleasuresof
eternal

an

ourselves
our

in

thought

the individual
the hollow

views, that in

my

and
friendship,

to ourselves

blanket

of

and
solitude,

warmly adopted

so

swore

with

formed

we

might

we

solid

short,he

separatefor ever, and

that

in

succeeded

some

screen

associate

as

much
across

with

as
our

each

agreedto
possible.
and
cell,
other,he

and I in English,
soliloquised
onlyin French, of which I was ignorant,
he was
Under
to which
this
equallya stranger.
system my wishes
I felt more
for I think
were
lonelythan I ever
gratified,
intensely
when
remember
this condition
had a
alone.
Of course
more
strictly
conclusion

world, and
to admit

we

into the common

again unwillingly
Zimmermann, Nobody, and Co.,was compelled

broughtout

were

the firm of
six hundred

In this

fellow prisoner
extremity,
my
of oratory. We
to the persuasions
myself had recourse
and of the six hundred
preachedsolitude,and got quitea congregation,
least
f
our
converts
hundred
became
Unitarian doctrine ;
to
at
our
hearers,
strove
of these disciples
to flyto the most
obscure recesses,
every one
and the little cemetery of the Collegehad always a plenty of those
"

partners.
"

Zingleman and

This of course
was
tryingto make themselves scarce.
of puss in a corner, it was
difficultto get a
afflicting
; as in the sjame
comer
unoccupiedto be alone in ; the defections and desertions from
the College
and for a long time the state
were
consequently
numerous,
for
missinggentlemen,with a
gazettecontained dailyadvertisements
of
and
and
their
with
habits,
invariablyconcluding
description
persons
this sentence :
of a melancholy turn,
callshimself a Zimmermanian,
and affects solitude." In fact,as Schiller's Robbers begot Robbers,so
but
did my solitude beget solitudinarians,
with this difi*erence,
that
mine
the
the dramatist's disciplesfrequentedthe Highways, and
who

were

"

"

The

consequence

and
foreseen,

was

what

might have

ardentlydesired.

was

expected,whicli I had
expelledfrom the University
been

THE

Gbttingen. This

of

dinner

three hundred

concerted
dumb

by
by

held

nor

signalthe
in

sentiments,how
thus left to

Number

of

many

steer

each

other,and at a
Solitude" was
drunk,

and

silence.

with

much

was

to

eyes,

thrown

than

principles,
they

to my

with

grand

affected

think, with

such

togetheragain. Being
hand

only one

board,I

on

was

and

took a lodging
at
accordingly
t
hat
held
the
out
Street,
invitingprospect
for a single
In this congenial
situation
man.
course,

and here I think it

greatwork on Solitude,
my
the reader againstmany
spuriousbooks, calling

warn

"

homage

in my

tears

vessel

to let

room
single
composed that

necessary
themselves

my
in tacit

might be

us

own

my

to

life. A
my
honour, at which
more

Zimmermann

left with

One, in Wilderness

of

triumph of

appropriatesolemn

myself,like

libertyto

at

"

of

toast

show,
tribute,and

this

the

communication

any

239

ZIMMERMANN.

perhaps

was

present,but

were

spoke

never

OF

by Zingleman in

got up

was

LIFE

Companions

to

Zimmermann's

if solitude

Solitude,"as

could have

I may
date the decline
society. Alas, from this work
will
in
tells
terminate
death.
me
presentiment
My
my
my
became
that its
book, thoughwritten against
so popular,
populousness,
be alone.
could never
author,though in love with loneliness,
Striving

which

I could never
the face of man,
escape it,nor that of woman
and child into the bargain.When
I stirred abroad mobs surrounded
me,

flyfrom

to

and

Here

"

is the

Solitary!" when I staid at home I was equally

crowded ; all the public societies of Gottingenthoughtproper to come
with addresses,
and not even
by deputation. Flightwas my
up to me
but
did
I could not fly from
it
for
not
only resource,
avail,
myself.
"NYherever I went
and Solitude had got before me, and
Zimmermann
cried,

their votaries assembled

the

European

were

only

me,

that they
journeyed,

Some

alongwith
even

of

as
a

to

Germans

haunt

to

sure

to meet

were

of these

them,

at my

of

my

to have
any

land to be

with

broughttheir

solitude

takingthe

; and

released

by

what

vessel in which

all hands

"

wives

were

inside of

ance
persever-

and children
unreasonable

so

coach,or
some

the

Leghorn,

pair,which

own
no

cabin

persons would

I sailed from

excepting
my
grappleda hen-coop. There wis
seen
nothingbut sea and sky ;

at sea

throughout

and

enthusiasm

an

of my
capable,some
countrymen
the
distance
and reallyshowed
they
by
trine.
readyto go all lengthswith me and my doc-

packet-boatto myself.
these persecutions
I was
unfortunate accident,
an
a

goingdown

with

vain I travelled

are

From
call

Pilgrimseven

in search

murmur

In

me.

Asiatic continent

and

of which

"

sail in

and from

pened
hap-

nor
sight,

the midst

of

the watery expanse

it was
perhaps the first and only glimpse I ever
had of real and perfectsolitude,
nature,
yet so inconsistent is human
I

could

enjoyment. I was
picked up
by the
; and, schooled
had
the presence
of mind
and to adopt the
to conceal
past,
name,
my
of
this
but
de
Under
one
nom
English
reallya name
Grundy.
guerre^
of peace, I enjoyed comparative quiet,
nacious
interruptedonly by the pertinot

reallyand perfectlyenter into

at length by a British brigof war

attendance

of

an

unconscious

its

my
countryman, who, noticing

24^)

THE

make

to

what

Lion

the

of

Desart,

be

Hermitage

solitude,but

The

effect of this
for fear of

quit the
and

me

of the

mobbed

for

alone
than

and

me,

moment.

an

uninhabited

make

situation

the

the fate of

man

of

an

to

me

that

instead

was

Hermit

receive

ox

that

me

Lord

able

to

company/.
leave

me

such

at

only

not

and
of

for

procure

make

or

thing

tency
inconsis-

I resented

fit to

to

was

fidence
con-

's rout
me,

pleased to say,

was

in

Grundy,

as

learn

offer to

his

as

wore

any

the

How

Menagerie.
well

disclosure

and

land,
Eng-

ventures

to

as

immediately have been declared mad,

put into solitaryconfinement, with a
beside himself, and not
fit to be
person

then
a

A-s such

death, I immediately
in

Lady

so

I should

lunacy,

with

to
to

well-informed,and

unfortunate

herd.
into

he

being, as

wanted

in

happened

meeting with

common

keeper always
left

Lion

well-bred

bear

going

my

fact,he

supposed, as

that

first vacancy
's

on

he

work,

exhorted

Solitude,and
did

w^as

for

only

me

sooner

no

In

converzatione.

own

but

again

knew

of

charms

insisted

he

than

propositionmay

the

the

Winkells

result

the

blush

I must

here
While

but

But

himself.

author

society;

from

myself

Zimmermann,
his

my

and

nature.

painted nothing

detach

the

was

of human

he

to

expected ;

by daily lectures from my own

own
principles. In short,he
of his importunities,I told him

last,to get rid

at

that
but

convert

me

out, that

me

ZIMMERMANN.

OF

habits,endeavoured

retired

very

LIFE

Sarc, I

Well,

and

prudence

forbids

at where

**

"

am

would

fate

London,

left

house,

I know

you

"

l" I*

am

have
now
me

been

w^orse

to

livinganonymously
to say

where.

242

PORTRAIT.

THE

^Monthly
Magazine has

another

person,"whilst
*'

countenance

my
I

that

of

am

company

protest,and

rhyme." Againstsuch

if it be

the fault

it is no

For

ing
anti-pun-like-look-

grave

Book

Gems

of

declares

"

that

inference,
however, I solemnly

an

features,I do

of my

it insinuates

person
and
odd places,

times and

the

in

"

as

more

notorious

me

therefore,
grave than merry,"and insists,
"
in
have
never
laughed heartily
pensivehabit,and
is

its face that

face to

my

in

or

"

described

amongst

false

Hood,

friends for

when
particular

in

for the

comfort

telling
presents
grosslymisre-

laughingat strange

he has

loss of

mind

not

and

the worst

points,by

of the

his

theory,to
And
thorns.
be upon
than
trulywhat can be more
unphilosophical,
well
vvdth
face
sit
to
as
ruefullyas
whistfuUy,
inconsistently
your
and
hand
at
well
at
as
shorts,
hypped
getting
playing longs
your
as pipped,
talkingof Hoyle," as the citylady said, but looking
and betraying
of the profit
and loss,
like winegar,"
a
as keen
sense
as
if the pack had turned you into a pedlar.
rubber.

"

"

"

"

"

But
would

ill-favoured

said,on my
thing,Sir,"as

quarrelwith the rules

seeingon Sir Thomas

CARD-RACK."

THE

digressing
; and

am

have

ON

back, as Lord Castlereagh

an
portrait,
then, is genuine

turningmy

face.

"

The

"

Touchstone

of Lavater

Lawrence's

but mine

*'

says,
there is

own."

precedent. I

easel,an

remember

head

unfinished

For its

of Mr.

Wilberforce,
so
less than the

persuadedme

that nothing
very merry, so rosy, so good-fellowish,
Life and Correspondence
recentlypublishedcould have
that he

would
therefore,
the

the likeliest

be

to this
physiognomy prefixed

indeed

few

earlier

of the

mystery, by provingthat
the

friendlyinquiryof

serious

reallya

was

my

the

thing to

num'ber,is

convince

the

as

For

of my
proposition

Publisher.

"

"

"

one

of those

if intended

nothingelse

To confess the truth, my

that

suffice to clear up the

chapterswould
face is only answeringin the affirmative,
Poet of all circles
Has
sorrow
thy

"

"

memoir,

world

actuallyHood's Own

the honest truth of

days shaded ?" and telling
constitutions
to Hudibras, seem
rickety
which, according

young

character.

but

to

be mended.

"

vanityprickedup its ears a littleat the

in
There is somethingvastly flattering

half

the idea of

the
appropriating

with

and
personalexperience,

your
Life and Times.

243

PORTRAIT.

THE

quarter of

or

century,mixing it up

servingit out as your

glancehowever
castinga restrospective

On

then

a waste
Memory's w\aste, it appeared so literally
an

five-and-thirty
years ago, that such a demand
laid myself out on purpose, as
have
I
might
upon me,
to giveof every day some
recommends, so as
good account
"

Watts

I would

at last."

life a

longdress

illustrated my

lived like

have

rehearsal

cultivated incidents
The

vanity herself
unpromisingspeculation.Had I

be made

would

my

that

indeed,some

foreseen

Dr.

the enclosure act, as

from

shrank

own
across

biography. I

of the future

memory

Quicksilverpace than they have

the tradesman's

travelled

promise,should

! in the absence

bespoke." But, alas

made

and
effect,

have

would

servir,"laid traps for adventures,and

pour
like Rogers's,
by a brilliant series of Tableaux.

"

been

earUer of my
Seven Stagesshould have
Comet
and Balloon-like,
and have
to

for

Frenchman,

been

in

timed

short,my
"

been

have

of such

Wonder

more

more

ing
Life,accordfullyequal to

Scottish

to

nomenon
Phe-

second-sight,

would
of existence up to the present moment
course
hardly
my
"
bald biographiesthat content
the
furnish materials for one of those

whole

"

old
for

Sylvanus Urban.
that
made answer
himself,
of

gentlemanly
pages
Memoir

and

of

that I could

reallybelieve

dozen

Lamb,
it would

compress

own

my

beingappliedto

on

go into an epigram;
into that baker's

Montgomery, indeed,has forestalled

the greaterpart of it,in his striking
Common
the
on
Lot,"
poem
make
of
but in prose, nobody could ever
it,except Mr.
anything
barren of
The
lives of literary
are
men
George Robins.
proverbially
of
to
and
instead
the
interest, mine,
rule,
general
formingan exception
would
bear the application
of the following
words of Sir Walter Scott,
of lines called

sonnet.

"

much

better than the

known

man

at all in

privatelife than
birth

or

who
Hterature,

I have.

and

life has

my

I have

been

have

not

may

surmounted

I been

have

education,nor

of the weary
sir.'
tell,

of their illustriousauthor.

career

favoured

as
'

knife-grinder Story!

no

difficultieseither of

no

by

advantages,
particular
importanceas that

bless you, I have

God

is

There

to tell of his

more

any
void of incidents of

"

"

none

to

"

Thus
been
and

birth

my

neither

was

that,like John Jones, I have

laysto lay the cloth,and to court the cook
time ; nor
yet so lofty,that,with a certain
write without letting
Then,
myself down.

obligedamongst my
the

at the same

muses

I could not
lady of title,
for education,
though on
with Blucher

yet,

on

the

the

so

humble

one

hand

other,I

I have

have

not

taken

not

been

my

degree,

at
rusticated,

the

Open Air School,like the Poet

Helpstone. As for incidents of
which
I remember
importance,
except beingdrawn for a soldier,
none,
of givinga casting
vote on
a
was
a hoax, and
having the opportunity
didn't
have
been
I
I
attend.
never
only
great parochialquestion,
of

even

third in

flow^ed

on

knows

has

with
so

me

duel,or
very

littleromance

crossed in love.

like that of
about

the New

The

River, which

it,that its Head

r2

of time

stream

has

never

has

everybody
troubled

244

THE

VARIATIONS.

WITH

COMPASS,

"

lis

with

be

Tale.

My

story then, to

own

possess

must
interest,

any

fib.

Truly given,with

advertisements

like the chalked

read

lesson

its

its egotismand

dead

on

it would
barrenness,
wall.

Moreover,Pope

in the Memoirs
self-importance

to

look too

of P.

has

P., the Parish

a
as
amongst his neighbours
and
whims
oddities I
in such practical
Even
of loaches.
swallower
am
deficient,^forinstance,eschewingrazors, or boltingclasp-knives,
vouring
sleepingfor weeks, fastingfor months, deridingon paintedponies,
have
which
entitled
similar
eccentricities,
raw
tripe,and
and
brutes,to a brief biographyin the
sundry knaves, quacks,boobies,
I am
"Wonderful Magazine. And, in the absence of these distinctions,

Clerk,who

only

was

all

after

notable

"

of
pretensions.I have had none
spiritual
not yet in their
which render the lives of saintlings,
those experiences
and
and
in
print,
consequently
weight
paper
teens, worth their own
the
flat
read
would
as
as
a
as
Pilgrim's
Tract,
personalhistory,
my
and
the
combat
the
without
the
Lions,
grand
single
Giants,
Progress

equallydeficient

in

any

with the Devil.

conclude

To

The

taking.

my
justsuffices for
principal
upon

"

afibrd little interest to

would

any

one,
end.

world

"

and

that I

of

recall of

can

THE
The Needles

close of day
One
Of Naples,bay of
While
lightwas
"

^'twasin the
glory!

hanging

fatal to Mariners."

With
of

crowns

mountains

high and hoary,

A gallant
bark got under weigh,
And with her sails my story.

With
Her
A

she was
bound
and oil for cargo.
nine
of men
some

Leghorn
wine
crew

direct,
or

ten,

name
was
captain's
lago ;
good and gallantbark she was,
del Lago.
Donna
(call'd)

Picture

"

mariners

Bronzed

bay

gold

For

the

life to

the

the

refusal,I

set down

all

number

next

VARIATIONS.

WITH

been

middling

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

sometimes

myself,to

foresee

of

COMPASS,
have

of

soften

the
authors,and, accordingly,

other

MY

^but to

"

character

written

or
giving,

worth

to live upon ; and of course,

me
else. Besides,I have a bad

it

with

done

at least tillI have

will contain the firstinstalment

La

not

personalhistorywould

instead
willing,

am

The

one

"

be but
assuredly
and
cannot
the beginning
of which I have
forgotten
decline givingmy
I must, therefore,
respectfully

memory

On

life," is

"

life.

my

brown

of

were

Isli

of

Wight.

her'g to view,

cheeks, clear

or

muddy,

Dark, shining
eye8,andcoal-black hair,
Meet heads for painter's
study;
But 'midst their tan there stood

one

man.

Whose
His

cheek

brow

was

was

fairand

high,a

ruddy ;

loftierbrow

Ne'er shone in song or sonnet,

His hair a littlescant, and when
He dofTd his cap or bonnet,
One saw
that Grey had gone beyond
A premiership
upon it I

THE

COMPASS,

WITH

His e^e
he,
a passenger
was
cabin he had hired it,
His eye was grey, and when
he look'd
it
fired
the
Around,
prospect
"

The

if
as
poeticlight,
Appe-Nine inspiredit.

fine

The

His frame
Six feet
"

manner

storm"

the

STORM

IN

When
From
Came

such

"

a gale,
as
like the aloe
cent'ry,

that he

was

stormy rumpus,

littlewe supposed what he

Could with the needle compass !

lyingalmost fallow
lo ! full crash,with billowy
dash,
clouds of black and yellow.
blows but

signthere

raise

But

at first

sea

of

sort

"

order seem'd a composite

Of rustic with the courtlv.

came

chatted with the seamen,

often task'd their skill and ask'd
What
weather is't to be, man
?"
No demonstration there appear'd
That he was
any demon.
And

Like Prospero make breezes b.ow.

And rocks and billows thump us,

sketch, but very shortly,

Seem'd

and

And

No

His

Soon

quaff'd,and joked
laugh'd.

Could

just to give

and

ate

"

was
stout, in heightabout
well made and portly
;

Of dress and
A

He

"

"

a45

VARIATIONS.

once

TABLE

Down

BAY.

rush'd the

the wine.
Each roll,its i61e

Roll'd down
clar'd
For

"

parting
"

repeating,

the round
not

gush'd

soup, down

of beef de-

for meating !

Off flew the fowls,and all the game

"
for eating!"
Was
too far gone
Our stomachs we had just prepared
To vest a small amount
in ;
When, gush ! a flood of brine came
down
The skylight"quitea fountain.
And

righton

end

Just like the Table

the table rear'd,

Mountain.

Down

knife and fork

down

"

went

the

pork.
The
Down

lamb

too

broke

mustard

its tether

went"

each

ment
condi-

"

!
all together
Salt" pepper"
like craft that seek
Down
every thing,
in stormy weather.
The Downs

246

timbers seera'd to

Her

Down,

down,

She

never

ever

robb'd of all its uses.

thought he saw the Evil One
Vesuvian

Beside

fellthe steward

Down

sore

each papistpray'd
afraid,

VirginMary
was

the waves*

that stood
vagary

composed

As staunch as rock, a true game

'Mid chicks of Mother
Gary !

ship.

his face.

cock

His

all the Saints commending ;

And candles to the Virginvow'd,
his ending.
As save-alls 'gainst
To

Down

fancy-weaver,

Saint and
But one there

Deuces.

on

Sore,

Amid

and

of

To

sluices,

Playingat dice for soul

And throwingSink and

eye

Neptune, the God, seem'd tossingin

A ragingscarlet fever !

take

to

of bloodyhue.
sunk the sun
Down
His crimson lighta cleaver
To each red rover
of a wave
:

To

nether jaw,
droptthe captain's

Down

He

sever

drearyderrydown,

for

of down

bed

Thus

lurch she had gone

almost seem'd about

Such
A

of the Lake,

plungedthe Lady

Down

VARIATIONS.

WITH

COMPASS,

THE

ruddy cheek retain'd its streak.

No danger seem'd to shrink him ;
His stepstillbold, of mortal mould
The crew
could hardlythink him :
The Lady of the Lake, he seem'd
"

fellthe mate, he thoughthis fate.

close impending!
was

Check-mate,

To

know, could

sink him.

never

the cabin boy.

fellthe cook
Their beads with fervour telling,
While alpsof serge, with snowy verge,

Relax'd at last the furious gale

Quite out of breath with racing;
The boilingflood in milder mood.

Above

With

Down

"

the yardscame
yelling.
fellthe crew, and on their knees
Down
Shudder'd at each white swelling
!

RUFF

And
Some

as

In under

Now
"

"

he walk'd to self he talked,

ancient
tone,

The

as

not

welcome,

alone

now

Down

"

"

went

the wind, down

went

the

wave.

humming

Gharlie,"

gentlerbillows chasing;
to stern,with frequent
turn,
Stranprer took to pacing.
stem

8RA.

dittythrumming.

and
whistling,

You're

From

"

Gow-

denknowes,"
Kenmure," or Campbells'
Coming."

Fear

quittedthe

The

Saints, I wot,

And
When

Hope

"

The

rose

was
on

most
were

at the

finical;
soon

forgot,

pinnacle
:

high,a frightful
cry

Devil's in the binnacle ! "

"

THE

"

WITH

COMPASS,

With

Saints be near,"the helmsman

The

To

cried,
with

His voice
"

"

Steady'smy helm, but

The

needle

God

only knows

Jamaica,

Gibraltar !

or

lies,

China

where

The
No

brain-begot,
faney-motion,

In eye of timid dreamer"

The
nervous
fingerof a sot

captainstared aghast mate,

;
pilotat th' apprentice
Sea
fancyof the German

Ne'er show'd

is ;

Of Fiction
look'd,
But when they at the compass
It seem'd non
compass mentis.

north,

The

south,now

now

every
There stood

east, now

wavering pointwas

Meanwhile

shaken,

From
Bore

Took

fearful speech,each after each

turns in the inspection
;

They

found

To

vary
It seem*d

no
gun
its direction ;
a

new

iron

"

Oh

! while
dear

All

down

visage

gizzard;
pullet's
the captain's
wandering

tackinglike an izzard.
in this plain course
down

at

Scott"

smile past o'er the

the polesso
see

To

the Wizard

ruddy face,
falter

much as you,
as
puzzled,friends,
For with no fiends I palter
;
Michael I'm not
althougha Scott
is Walter."
My christian name

magneticcase

"

theythoughtof girlor boy,

domestic

the

niches.

side which

holds

the

heart,
That

each

"

wives, farewell their lives,

to

And

blue

I'm

all their household riches ;

And

A
"

none

Of Poles in Insurrection !
Farewell

It's Michael

"

no

and

last,

taken !

"

plain.

wit.

'Twas past the whole philosophy

Of Newton, or of Bacon ;
Never
by compass, tillthat hour

With

too

grew,

Just like

Such

plainertremor

th' Infernal Schemer

brown

west.

latitudes were

brain it seem'd

To

Mix'd
Now

Strangergaz'd

whi.te-liver'd
:

"

at

the event

so

walk'd abaft the binnacle.

know at what theyshiver'd ;
he stood beside the card,
But when
!
St. Josef! how it quiver'd
No

The

the

amaze,

them

To

look

every

to alter

seems

deep
see

And

falter

quitea

247

VARIATIONS.

needle gave

them

stitches.

that name,
a spell
Like oil it fell,
On all the fearful faction ;
The Captain'shead (forhe.hadread)
Confess'd the Needle's action.
the North
And bow'd to Him in whom
I
main
its
attraction
Has lodged

///-"^
A

STAR

OF

THE

FIRST

MAGNETUDE.

248

SUMMER"
Parlour

Back

WINTER

A
Camberwell.

at

ECLOGUE.

Sylvanus

is seated

the

at

breakfast-table,and

gieetethhis friend Civis.

Syl.

good morrow

"

friend

to you,

Civis,and

heartywelcome

sleepdealt with you throughthe night?

I have dons
Purely indeed,and with rare pastoraldreams.
down
under
nothing but walk through pleasantgroves, or sit me
A
foretaste,
night.
shady boughs,the whole livelong
friend,of
my
in
to
with
the rural delights
strolling
yet
come,
you, amongst the
How
have I yearned
dainty shades of this your verdant retreat.
month
be
of
Jack'i-theGreen
the
all through
a
June, to
againamidst
How

"

hath

Civ.

"

leaves

your

Syl.

You

here !

Aye, truly:

"

know

dog-days.

You

brick front of six

with
stories,

not how

shop
at that
silks,

south

badgesof Assurance

many

for the

looked

windows

below

seemed

town.

rather

spend,or

once

there in the

week

prospect in

my

I did

misspend a whole
oppositeon a scorching

out

aspect studded with

"

from

and
fire,

not

all a-blaze with

without

I know

need-r"

geranium-coloured

mode, and flamme d'enfer. The left-hand shop,

with regimentsof lobsters,
in their
next
door, was
red, likewise,
uniforms
Red
new
Lion, newly done
; beyond that,a terrible flaring
the next door,a vender of red morocco
pocketup with paint. At
time

the

all

books

eyes

my

"

in

were

scarlet fever, the

whole

time

of

my

sojourning.
Civ.
the

"

I confess.
We
picture,
but they givethe more

true

tints ;

warm

All the way

down

beside

gate,and which

your

as
refreshing

seen,

of

Memory's
Syl.

zest to your

is the

have

been

little

suburban

the two

strongin
verdure.

tall elm

trees

always
cityopticsas
my
of
all
spectacles.
Surely
spots I have
green
laid hold
as the poet says, that ever
greenest,
to

waist.

It hath been

"

and fall to.

indeed,a

I thoughtonly of
overnight,

pair of

Camberwell

are,

Shall I

aforetime.

greener

But

of this

I pray

you

sit down

salted fish ?
relishing

help you
By your good leave,Sylvanus, I will first draw up these
blinds.
My bedroom, you know, looks out only to the road,and I
I may
am
longingto helpmy eyes, to a little of what, as a citizen,
trulycall the green fat of nature.
I pray you let the blinds alone.
Syl.
The rolls are
Nay, Civis
well cured,and the eggs are
gettingcold. This ham is excellently
new-laid.
Come, take a seat.
Civ.
I beseech your patiencefor one moment.
There ! the blind
Civ.

"

to some

"

"

"

"

is up.

sky

"

What

!" -What

a
a

brave
rare

flood of sunshine

daintyday to

roam

"

and

what

with
in,dallying
Sylvanus,the Dryads

Dryads ! But what do I behold ! Oh, my

of their green kirtles" stark naked ! The trees
stripped
God helpme ! as bare as the
otamies in Surgeons'
Hall
"

"

blue
glorious

abroad

are

"

all

the
are

bare,

250

SUMMER.

fixed it down
Syl.

to

and
pugilists,

"

thrusted

you

! be

pin throughthe body, and

of the

manner

for it knocked

made

so

How

course

cork after the

No, truly;

"

Civ.

Of

locust.

new

your

entomologists.

after the

down

me

of the

manner

its escape.

they

then ?

huge,

so

To

fancy, they seem

my

flyingdragonsthan locusts.
of them
is true, notwithstanding.Some
Syl.
nearlysix feet in length; others,that
seen, measured
like

more

"

three

from

likewise

last,the

these

of

captive,though not without

with its fore-paws.
striking

took

knocked

grantedyou

for

will do

smallest of animals

The

"

take

One

five.

to

and
biting,
Civ.

which

It

him

Minimi, or
shrewd

some

the

kickingand
bondage.

for the

head,

have

younger,
small fry,I

from

to escape

so

on

were

sake

of

peace.
Syl.

human,
And

No,

"

think I

do not
Macbeth

says,
of
stings

whole
the

more

visagewas

so

like

in the

like

man

strangely
face.

boy.
I
slayhim.
petty
could commit
Monkeycide myself. They look,as Lady
To kill an
Fathers.
like
so
our
plant the
ape would

It would

"

look

not

; the

for all the world

it cried and whined

then

Civ.

the heart

not

could

monkey

or

ape

"

I had

indeed.

an

have been

apiaryin

my

kind

of

mere

murder

to

you

conscience.

pray

with

on

go

description.

Syl.

the

and according
to
"Willingly,

"

Antennae

horns

or

he had

but in lieu thereof,sundry bunches

tending inwards

and

brown,

or
fore-legs

and

arms

claws

tufts

towards

terminatingin
the

of the

from
differing

thus

none,

system
of

the

greatLinnaeus.
locust,

common

red hair ; eyes

coarse

the

Two

proboscisor snout.
and the
palpi or feelers,

ten

hinder

feet.

same

On

graspingtruncus, or
cased in a loose skin resembling
the trunk, it was
corduroy,the same
furnished
with
sundry bags or pouches, into
being most curiously
it stuffed the forageit had collected
which, like the providentpelican,
number

from

of toes

or

on

the trees.

submission,Sylvanus, to your better judgment, I

to have
should have taken this same
Locust,from your description,
human
been actuallya mere
boy.
Between
Syl.
ourselves,he was
^though of what nation or
his own
To use
heathenish
jargon,he was
parentage I know not.
for
add a teawot
the
fake
cove
a
on
pickinglay
doing a morning
Civ.

"With

"

"

"

"

crib in the
Civ.

Boy

"

monkery."
but
strangegibberish,

to discourse in the same

wont

was

of the woods

I do remember

! I do

feel for his

uncouth

estate
pitiful

that Peter

the "Wild

fashion.

Poor

but what

could

to pluck off all the green emeralds of the Forest ?

sham
^To make
Syl.
Hyson and mock Souchong. Even

savage
move

him

in June

"

deemed

it

November, there were

gunpowder. Oh, Civis,thou hast
Guys collecting

you

would

tea-trade
I

have

have

that

hath

believed

been

myself

was

carried
to

be

on

in these

dwellingin

so
no

ragged

many

notion

parts. Many

Canton,

and

of

the

times

that

my

251

SUMMER.

S.,and

feet of Mrs.

huge

I have

Thrice

Hum.

was

name

at the
caught myself marvelling
gropedbehind my nape for the national

have

pigtail.
Civ.

Sylvaniis,
spare

"

I have

me.

and here it is all blotted out

with

me.

Syl.

Plucked

"

by

of the leaves

Blackamoor,

green week

one

of the calendar.

hath become

"What

but

who

I pray

you

in the year,
do not jest

of yon

sycamore
it to the
preferred

?
of
climbing

chimneys.
Civ.

I could

yonderAshes, which

And

"

for in

mourn

appropriate

sackcloth ?
who
Strippedby the select young gentlemenof Seneca-house,
branches of education for the purpose.
left the politer
Scholars,
you
and these had the opportunity
of perknow, will play truant gratis,
forming
One
it at twopence the hour.
Saturdaythey did turn their
found
half holiday into a whole
were
by the geographical
one, and
master
pickingChinese Pekoe and Padre on the sloe bushes and
Syl.

"

willows
Civ.

of Peckham

Oh,

"

Rye.
myself helped to swallow the
may
under.
That the green Druidical
be sitting
in the
clothingthe Dryads, should be assisting

of

sweepingof my
Syl.

reignin
Civ.
my
when

Kidderminster

own

it is.

Yerilyso

"

carpets!

The

great god

was

never

Pan

is

dead, and

Pot

will

his stead.
Such

"

misfortune

Sylvanus,what

is to become

of

before read in
or
patriotism

is turned

the best part of the country

of rumour,
I have
heard by way
Syl.
attributes her
village,

love

tea-cup ! Oh,
of the country,

grouts?

to

that

"

our

of the desolation I

cause

have

To think that
survey.
verdure that I should now

leaves,instead

then is the

Sylvanus,such

my

Mistress

Shakerlyof

dash of aspen
in
British Congo ; indeed

palsyto
her

there

be

abroad

shrewd

whether

doubts
the

great

Projectorhath been at all

reformingby turningover
leaf.
Mr. Fairday,
a
new
the

notable

chemist, hath
davit,
his affi-

solemnlyon

sworn

that the tea is strongly

emetical, having
acted
tea

upon
and turn

Civ.

ought

to

as

out.

Of

"

always

his stomach

be

verity it
by the

tested

doctors.
Syl.

it,and

"

They
tasted

have

it to boot.

Botany,hath ranked

GRKAT

PROJECTOR.

tested

it with

Dr.

Budd,

the rankest

the

Pennyroyal Professor

of

of poisons,after experiment-

252

SUMMER.

virtues

its destructive

ing

select

on

parties

tea

his

of

relations

and

friends.
Civ.

College,

Royal

same

added

hath

Syl.
the

tion
confirma-

christening.

this

to

know

You

"

Doctors'

proverb.
do

opinions

together,

their horses.

better than
Dr.

given

hath

Rudd

this

keep

not

match

step, or

with

beverage
of

cream

and

tartar

lead

of

sugar

to

sumptives,
con-

hath

and
satisfied himself
and

phthisic does

an

Rudd

Oh,

my

I
!

Only

since

did

delectable

the

the

of

Civ.
"

be

"

to chaunt

have

fewer

time

under

boiled
locusts

come

Macbeth,

their hands."

down

away

namely,

it will be,

Tea

Deum.

In

boils, though

my

the

at

summer

my

season

stage

"Enter

all been

; but

the

brought

army

"

to

time

be

of the

they

say,

mean

demned
con-

feu-de-

collect

on

I must

borrow

size of

kettles,

gallop. Possibly you

by way of precaution,the
a

I shall attend

the

be

seized, and

French

the

as

singing-birdsought

little

hath

not

Excise.

of the

yard

the

another

by

herb

counterfeit

in the

tea-tray will

This

comfort.

glad on't,for

patience
have

for the

verily all

chimney-pots
JoVs

"

out

sung."

burnt

am

and

can

"

it,when

say,

year,

to

POISON.

Foliage,"purposely to read under

the very foliageof nature
enjoy
is,
Bare
of print !
ruin'd
where
late
quires
called

friend,take

My

"

SLOE

poems,

how

birds

another

and

days

booksellers

Syl.

at

purchase
book

sweet

joie ;

Syl-

two

trees, but

your

is

sick

am

heart

up

begin

not

Dr.
!

ass

vanus,

in

that

tea.

Civ."

as

morally

physically

with

the

of

Rudd,

Dr.

not

doubt

And

"

with

to

an

their

old

stage

green

the

may
next

direction

boughs

iu

253

RUNNING

PAIRED

NOT

COUNTER.

MATCH'D.

She

Of wedded
blis
Bards singamiss,
I cannot

And

make

For

My

wife

am

song

of it ;

we

in Chief,
Command
I'm but Aide-de-campof it ;

And

And she is tall.

that's the short and

For

tall,

that's the short and

When

And

small,
is

longof

it ;

debate

It is my

To

fate
alwayshave the wrong
small
For I am

And

that'sthe short and

And

And

My
But hers

"

she is

when

And

And

long of

it!

And

am

small,

She

givesto

The

weakest

long of

it!

me

tea.
takes the whole Souchong of it ;
For I am
small,
she is tall,
that's the short and

long of

it ;

She'll sometimes

grip
My buggy whip,

speak
of it ;

And

make
For

small.
she is tall,
am

that's the short and

And

tall,

voice is weak.
she makes a gong

For I
And

of it ;

has, in brief.

And

long of it

And

feel the thong of it ;

me

am

small.

she is tall,

that's the short and

long of

it I

254

PAIRD

Or

MATCH

I sometimes

knife.

fork,and dart the prong

For I am
small,
she is tall,
that's the short and

of it ;

And

And

she is tall,
that's the short and

For

long of

COMMONS

it '

AND

SHORT

make

For

ringher knell,
gay ding dong of it

"

am

small,

Man

wants

Nor

wants

long of

it !

long of

it I

COMMONS.

bell

Would
rd

And

LONG

O, ifthe

think

I'lltake to drink,
I'm strong of it ;
hector when

And

And

D.

life

Against my
She'll take

NOT

am

small,

And

And

but

she is tall,
that's the short and

little here

below,

that little long."

255

PROTECTING

THE

**

Ijike the two

Kings

THE

DUEL.

of Brentford

In Brentford

FARE.

smellingat

town, of old renown,

There lived a Mister Bray,
Who
fellin love with Lucy Bell,
And so did Mr. Clay.

Said Mr.

To

And

her ride from

see

By
Such

Hammersmith,

all it was
alloVd,
fair outsides are seldom

Such

Angels on

seen,

Now

chance

hit

to

sheep's.

silver changed.
that for copper red ;
But these two went away to give
Each other change for lead.

gold is oft for

And

your

court

No

I say to you unless

so
Your passionquietkeeps,
I who have shot and hit bulls' eyes.

May

Bray to Mr. Clay,

You choose to rival me.
And court Miss Bell,but there

Clay to Mr, Bray,

Your threats I quiteexplode;

One who has been a volunteer.
Knows
how to prime and load.

Cloud.

Said Mr.

nosegay.'

one

shall be.
thoroughfare

Unless you now

give up your suit,
You may repent your love ;
I who have shot a pigeon match.
Can shoot a turtle dove.
So pray before you woo
her more,
Consider what you do ;
If you pop aught to Lucy Bell,
"

I'll pop

it into you.

But firstthey soughta friend a-piece.

This pleasantthoughtto give
"

When

they

Two
To

dead, they

thus

should have
seconds stillto live.
out

measure

the

ground not long

then forbore,
having taken one rash step

The
And

were

seconds

They

took

dozen

more.

256

THE

They

the

the

the

Against

pistol-pan

If

of

prime

life.

Said

Mr.

But
all

Now

when

But

Fear

made

the

foes,

their

took

they
them

both

They

for

ready

was

tremble

so

shaking

were

the

ramrod

If

B.,

think

we

There

stands,

Mr.

Here

C.
one

like

And
Be

St.

Mr.

to

of

us

doom'd

But

the

do

confess

Misconduct

did
to

"

Courts

shot.

strange

reports.

morning

had

we

it

aim

call'd

is

now

begun

above,
the

out

bright,

;
as

if

sun

now,

ball.
So

attach
your

be

cloudy

can't

We

And
name

bullets

EXCHANGING

RECEIVING

all

may
That

the

into

up

Their
I

agree

Honour's

without

will

look,

Why

Cathedral

have

to

then

will

same

hands.

fall,

may

the

found

they

B.,

Paul's

do

I
of

ofF

go

Though
Said

charge,

do

death

of

prime

withdraw

Your

strife,

deadly

in

putting

By

each

prepared

next

Against

DUEL.

THE

upshot

DIFFERENCB

harmless

they
other
in

air,
did

duels
the

end

send
have

258

THE

belike
Italy,

from

brought over

Trenck, you know, made

Monsieur
as
F., in the Bastile,

Baron

friend of

them

bed

to

be

to
a

you

live in

them, and court

and board with us, and
to

keep

neither

him

as it was
elephant,and moreover
allowed
he
to take
State, was

or

of

why

not

as
no

it with him

ways
in

ing
long-stand-

whims.

We

them,
prison? So Tonio
it

as

take

was

small

huge as an
dangerousto Church

lion,nor

of

marry

to

and

company,

whim

captivity
; for
prison rat, and

world

them, and

fierce

so

his

to

equally,made

know

drink

begged for his whim

whim,
gentle-looking

solace

bon-camarade

"We
daddy-long-legs.

and

them,

eat

DANCER.

ROPE

so

littlebox, which

he

carried in his bosom.

should
what his whim
itch to know
was
like,let
Now, if curiosity
like neither a toad,nor
for all,
that it was
it be known, once
a spider,
but
nor
a newt,
a black
nor
a snail,
a viper,
nor
beetle,
nor
something

the size of

between

crocodile and

cricket.

And

as

for the

manner

hopped,or crawled,or lay still

does not say which.
like an
Why
Newgate
Tonio
a
it was
an
not
a
or
or
a
tortoise,
marmot,
being
monkey,
the
the
Court
of
ask of the ForeignSecretary
at
Italian,you must
of
the
King
Beggars.
soul into the parish
May I transmigratewhen Brahma
passes my
I
butcher's
into
Brute
of St.
I transmigrate,say,
a
daughter's
may
of its going,it either

flew,or

swam,

or

Calendar

oyster,for the

"

"

pet-lamb,if it
a

not

was

piteoussightto

Tonio

going
the two
to have

wearing
a

tween
be-

law terriers
hour's

an

that

of

cravat, which
goes to

see

off

last
never

but
laundress,

always hangs upon

line

of its

be

must

he

had

It

own.

owned,
whim,

his

for all the whims

ever

have

had

crick i' the neck.

I

me,

say,

firma;

terra

with
I have

that
but
that

whimmed

were

wouldn't

stand
I'm

his
Let
on

tent
con-

the look-out

of life without

covetinga
view.
when
cubits

bird's-eye
Haman,
he
was
forty
high,had not a
Old

LEGAL

CONVEYANCE,

better prospect of this world than I have from the ground floor.
Tonio ! It was
a sorry sight
; and if I didn't pityhim, from my

Poor

soul,

I be

behind

hour

an

may
all

by
throughgetting,

my

masters, is the wrong

time

259

DANCER.

ROPE

THE

for

seeingthe

mistake, into

took

jugulars.But

the

its course

pancakes,so givethe calendar a

Shrovetide,and poor Tony stuck up
You
the law limbs to shy at.
never
even

St. Swithin

dogs! First,the

cats and

pitcheda heavy
into thirteen
brief

in dock

by

way

such

saw

over,

run

grippedby

of

up

it

shy-cock for

peltingin

your

life;

it into her watery head to rain

of the Grand Jury jerked a true

his head.

indictment

in his

raigns
Thereupon the Clerk of Arvery teeth,so that it shivered

the Council for the Crown

Then

separatecounts.

scut, and

took

forty folios into the

of

greyhound

after,run

have,lapped
backwards, and suppose

shove

Foreman

him, that took effect on

bill at

blunderbus,

simile to another I

in

no, not

say like

as

that^sa scurvy

when

omnibus.

usual,that is to
after a hare.
Tony was
put up, so-ho'd,run
and
mumbled, scud and
before,turned, tumbled
Well, law

hanging bout, and

next

blunderbus.

pit of his stomach

anon

heaved

openinga

shells,
in sworn
he threw
witnesses in a volleylike bombbattery,
and when
they explodedthere flew out from them two melting
and seven-and-twenty
hogs, and every
pots,four moulds, nine bulls,
in
of
them
of
evidence
Finally,
upwards
hog
ninetystone.
weighed
the Chief Pitcher
himself pitched at him his greatwig,and his fui
his mace, and his greatinkstand,and
gown, and his gold chain,and
the King'scrown, and the lion and the unicorn,every thingin short
both hands, he heaved
at him the
he could catch up, and then,taking
Statutes at Large; not content w^th which he took next to pelt him
For instance,
with pairsof missiles at once.
and a hurdle,a
a horse

masked

and
gallo-ws

halter,

shovel-hat and

sermon,

dyingspeechand

last

an

elm

coffin,
and, last of
I die of the

may
next

if

demned
con-

all,

pipthe

time I eat oranges,

didn't cast at

he

him

the whole

steeple

of St. Sepulchre,
deathif it had
bell and all,
as
snow-ball.
only a

been

Never

THROWING

THE

LASSO.

phen
St. Ste-

was

pelted. No wonder in the world,that under such a huge

fuscated,
heap of rubbish,he became
utterlydumbfounded, bamboozled, oband
flummockst,
flabbergasted
; seeing
mizmazed, spifflicated,
he
nitesimal
infiwhether
had
the
which
the Chief Pitcher,
as
usual,inquired
into
of a word to say against
a blackamoor,
beingstrangled
so

with the very eyes of his head

givingnotice to quit. What matter
like blackberries,
that Tony had a bramble
in his mind, that bore reasons
and

ripeones

gulletis very

too ;

bad for the

example,that a tightrope round the

when
one's health
health,and particularly
as

for

e2

260

DANCER.

ROPE

THE

times

three
boluses,

or even
requiresto take pills,
have
miglit
givena thousand

such reasonable

day ? I say, he
hanging,
against

reasons

opening his mouth, the Chief

Pitcher pitchedinto it a prodigious
great bung, as dab and apt and
and
cleverlyas if he had played at nothingelse but chuck-farthing

but

the

minute

momentous

very

of

of silence

fourteen.
So the mummy
since he was
ever
pitch-in-the-hole
and
the
hey presto!
Merlinising
began,
beingpreserved,
could

big wig

the

Boaz,

say Herman

into

turned

was

Judges are
you
may tell the world that our
the trial ended,and Tony'ssentence,as taken in the

After that
Thus
cal

thus

ran
short-hand,

Monday

All this
and

time, mark
at it

to look

it whisked
had

Tony

the whim

law

back, like

went

from

off to the

where.

To

take

such

kept

hieroglyphion

Black

coffin."

in the

him

with

conjurors.

no

in

dock,

life, how
only comfort
fed
and
as if there
heartily,
it,
in the

blessed

"

world

of felony,
to be bound

in

and

stone,

his cell to the room,

pressthe
debtor's door, and from

and from
cell,
the

to

which
itself,

the

on

opens

as
scaffi3ld,
you

to
in your way
nobody knows
left,
to the gallows,
with one
of a reptile

the

or

whim

in

cap !

enough ; but the Emperor Adrian, if you read the

such
a
blandish,littleanimal,his animula
vagabondish,

whimsical

seems

had
classics,
blandula,to be
A^agula
Well, Fridaycame,
he

to his

the press-room

righthand

is

you

black

sent

his

about

volume

to be

was

whim

the

law-cats

or

with him

debtor's door to death's door

turn

that he

and then seemed

thingas

stillwent

and

he had

you,

now

such

no

"

School that

Dumb

and looked
frisked,

and

been

when

and

to the Deaf

namely,

before

with him

his death-bed.

on

Saturday,and Sunday, and Sunday'snight;

and

I will bet the whole

with
four bolters.
postingto eternity
ero
have given eighteen-pence
a
mile,and half-abeen
to the boy, to have
postingon any other road. All the
law
him
the
allowed
to have an
was
Ordinaryat eightinstead

was

national debt he would

wn

favour
of

ordinaryat

an

to leave off

the

Lord

one,

very

the devil

dining.But
and

Mayor

ordinaryfavour

the

oughtto

Sheriffs.

to

his

have

who

man

due, and

was
so

about

should

had

neglectedTony a
to usher him
at his christening,
gossips
As

they

little,
by not beingwith the other
of
out
into this world,they attended very ceremoniouslyto show him
men,
it,each in his giltcoach ; and, with regardto the coachmen, the footand even
all Malthusians.
the very horses themselves,
they were
Of

the

course

would

know

what

the

Cheshire with the

I
came

was

warrant, and
brought the hanginglike a
was
like,it was
hanging-warrant

Recorder

map

of

Mersey/left out.

forgotto tell you,

that before it came

oftentimes to the cellwhere

an

if you

who
Extraordinary,

Tony

examined

was,
him

to

this pass, the

to pray,
on

his

Ordinary

besides whom

there

pointsof faith. And

these ; namely, whether he believed the moon

to be of
and as to the size of the mites thereon.
Secondly,
green cheese,
if he believed the puppet-play
of Punch
and Judy to be a type of the
the

pointsof

faith

fall of Nineveh

whether

were

and, thirdly,
concerningthe

they were

bred

at

Mr.

"Womb

lions in

well's

or

gress,
ProPilgrim's
Mr.

or
Cross's,

THE

of London.

Tower

the

at

To

261

DANCER.

ROPE

all of

which

Tony givingdecidedly
die,and quiteprepared to

pronouncedfit to

serious answers, he was

have his neck stretched,
as
the wine

longas

the throttle of

claret-bottle when

is ropy.

morning of Monday, Time laid his long hand

and gave him
eightdistinct hints that his hour
Tony's collar,
upon
for beingornithologised
come
Bird,
by sentence of the great Law
was
into
Never
there
was
jailbird,genus Wryneck.
genus Black-cap,
such mobbing to see
a
hanging. Half the Londoners that morning
without
their breakfasts to be in time for the Old Bailey. Trot,
went
through Piccadilly
; push on
; away
trot,trot,canter and full gallop
Hill,with a yoicksin Cheapthere,in the Strand,hey dovni Holbom
and a tallyho ! in "West
side,and a hark forward in Newgate Street,
Smithfield.
They all meant to be in at the death. Never was there
whose
such a race, to see
race
was
run
a
man
losingit by a neck.
The Royal Humane
And
the order of the runningwas
thus :
Society
The
excellent
front
first
the
had
in
and
row.
at
an
Drop,
Society
got
I die,
and
second
for Preventing
Animals
was
a good
Cruelty to
;
may
on
Accordingly,

the

"

came

hadn't the

Life Assurance

if the Law

PhilanthropicSociety,with

the

barelya lengthbehind

and then

the

Knowledge,neck and neck with the

racingtill they panted again,to see
never

such

saw

Paufs, so
all the

chevy !

the Sons of the

that
parislies

the debt of Nature.

the New

had

the

come

third.

Societyof Good

Next

Samaritans

Societyfor Promoting Christian

London
Benevolent
Society; all
of
breath.
You
out
Tony put

Luckily there

Clergycantered

any
Also the

to

assurance

was

no

in with

Anniversaryat
all the

St.

children of

charity,to see an execution put in for

die by
Medical Societycame
to see one
of
their
with
the
orders,
Garter,
Knights
their
to the
wore
they
gartersaccording

Dropsy ; and all the

it heirig
wherefore
a
collar-day^
fashion of Miss Bailey; and all the Foreign Ambassadors.
Seeing
walked
and
th^
ladder,
stoutlyup
which, Tony put on a good face,
All
of
"the
to
are
Europe
himself,
you."
softly
saying
upon
eyes
dinary
Extraorand
the
the
the
Ordinary on
righthand,
beingready,with
Constrictor a little behind, Tony
the left,and
the Great
on
(who had his whim with him) was asked how he felt himself,and how
his father and mother
did, and all his little brothers and sisters; to
all very well, and that
which he answered thankfully,
that they were
for his

Vitus.

part,he

own

Now

the

felt very comfortable,and

faith of St. Vitus is not

died in the faith of St.

exactlythe

faith of the

England,nor, in faith,do I well know what faith it is ; but

in favour of
the Ordinarytook no objection
a
to it,for he was
man
universal toleration,
rememberingthe sayingof the heathen Priest of
have your
You
the
thology,
Apollo to
Bishop of Magnum Bonum,
and let me
have mythology." So the Ordinary held his peace, iDut
the Extraordinary
and mewould
fain have arguedthe pointregularly
thodically,
of
to
the
manner
Cerberus,namely,
dogmatical
according
in a discourse with three heads ; and if he had once
begun to spin the
there
into
and
of
a cable,
triple
viceversy
controversy,prosyversy,
yarn
Church

of

"

262

ROPE

THE

DANCER.

sayingon oath whether the other rope might have been used to
stood,Master Strangulator
therefore,how matters
day. Seeing,
and beganbeggingpardonof Tony
pushed in,with an elbowingmanner,
about
to
the
he
for
was
perform,who forgave him very readily,
part
him moreover
to shake hands,and by Gog and Magog, such
requesting
is

no

this

shake

since the Shakers

shaked

never

was

the first grappleof their

At

his hand

with

if

jerk,as

bear's

palm

Then,

after

sect !

Strangulator
pulledaway

had

been

palmed

him

upon

face,he
making a frightful
vault upwards,a deal higherthan the
gave a mighty greatspringor
with his legsa-straddle
when, on coming down, he alighted
gallows,
for
w^here
five minutes ; now
he
the
beam,
kept posturing some
upon
like a fish,
now
hangingwith his head
rowing with his arms and legs,
the
downwards, firstby one legand then by
other,then by one hand,
and then againby his chin ; you never
saw
a
rope-danceror tumbler
nimble.
of them
Then
more
all,at Bartlemy's or Astley's,
coming
instead

down

of

human

the
fingers,

became

paw.

stage with a bound, he threw three summersets

then three backwards, as quick as thought. Anon,

and

for a minute
standijig
might and main,

his

upon
the
the

in the first position,

he fell
and

hotted floor.

as

fast

Never

he

as

was

could

such

a
gallows-tree
; Gilderoywas
and
Lord
and
Sheriffs,
Mayor

the

feet,like

springdanced

after

a-dancingwith

lift his

fool to him.

You

about

round

may

Ordinaryand

all
bear

guess

how

Extraordinary,

as
big as owls' ; and still
caper, tilltheir eyes grew
after
round
0 of his mouth, fall to
they saw Tony,
making a

stared at such
when

more

ward,
for-

the

to

bouncingand boundinglike another Oscar Byrne ! Shade of Holbein,

what a Dance of Death ! Only think of Jack Ketch and the condemned
to each
now
setting
dancingface to face on the drop,now poussetting,
and
now
other,now
then. Father of Vestris,
waltzing,
allemanding,
!
what
tableau
a
on
one
Tony figuring,
opera-fashion,
leg, with
Cheshire poising
on
tip-toeon the calf of the other ! As for his whim,
it was
and had enough to do,
jerked out of the box at the firstfrisk,
of
be
of the skippingand
the
to
scuttle
out
you
may
sure,
way
kicks than ha''pence.
hopping; as it was, the poor reptile
got more
In the meantime

the

Humanes,

and the rest of the

volents,
mum

if it had

as

been

and

an

the

Samaritans,and

the Bene-

look

quiteas
Quaker's meeting,with a
overbrimming

mob, did

stand

not

and

on

Dumb.

They
chuckled,and crowed, and laughedtillthey brayed again; and roared,
and
bellowed,and shouted, and shrieked like hyaenas in liysterics.

collection afterwards

"

Huzza

anker

Tony
than

what

"

"

! huzza

ancoore,
Tony for
"

the

at

door

Go

"

ever

Tony

"

dancingupon
offer he might

for my

have

made

money

"

Laporte had
them

encore

brawvoo

"

"

and

sort !

it Jack ! That's your

bravo
brawvo
bravoo

nothing." If

danced

Deaf

for the

for

the

same

"

whim

did

not

suddenly take

the

ancore

"

done

Well

It's better

keep

it up !

been

there,who

knows

Taglioniherself never
they jigged,

On
and without music.
that is to say, gratis,
and may
I hang my hat up
however, without let or stint,
so

"

for ever,

or
marshal, janitor,

if

head

seeingthat
dancing,

unfit for

however
gaoler,
flesh

263

DANCER.

ROPE

THE

of his

one

Timber

oak table.

legswas

made

not, he balanced

or
it
on
my
the
foot's
far
other
while
above
his
toe,
great
a
minute,
hip,
his
pointedexactlyat the clock of St. Sepulchre,and then swinging

of the

same

for

whole

arms

like

windmill, he

horizontal

made

that
pirouettes
between

as

the

giddy to

one

with

other two

one

out

in the

three Kirk

there

witches

AUoway

it.
resisting

no

was

sum

look

That

at.

real step, and

dancing
of
namely, a figure
figure,

to work

off^ into

spun

rule

whirlwind

done, he

of

struck

in

theyimmediatelybegan

of

three,which requiresonly
in and out, the
eight. Scuffle,shuffle,

could not
whim

The

have
took

footed

it better.

In

fact,

the very

Ordinaryhimself,
gravityof his calling,

of the
at first,
by reason
thoughless boisterously
gripwith either hand of his cassock,he
wherefore,takinga graceful
de la cour.
However,
only glidedoff,to beginwith, into the minuet
fast
and
he
the dancinggrew more
furious, gradually
as
danced, in
pipe,
Hornbred, into the College
spiteof himself,having been classically
it
to say they ever
better danced, or
saw
and I defyany one
of
and
Oxford
Doctors
the
more
Cambridge. Mother
brisklyby
very
ball
! The three Fates,though
! What
a
of Almack's, what a quadrille
in
such a
and
winders of thread,
seen
spinsters ordinary,had never
the rarest mad
morrice
the strangestcapriccio,
Cotton ball ! It was

that

danced ;

was

ever

minute

one

ma-

zurka, then a polothen a gallopade,

naise,
then
a

/"-."^i

then
fandango,

bolero,then
then

clia, then
the

'

band,
sara-

guara-

land
HighSometimes
fling!
by
Strangulator,

help

of

which

he
and

way

the

halter

waved

shawl

executingthe
dance

this

that,seemed
he double-shuffled

anon,
like

Dusty

Bob. One minute

Tony

'^y^^;^'"^^$b$HIGHLAND

appearedas measuring
his steps with
the next he was

FLING.

duchess

dowager of the time of Louis the

with Maggie Lauder
snappinghis fingers

Fourteenth

to the tune

of

TuUocligorum.You fancied one minute, that the Ordinary was

dancinga pas seul,to the music of Haydn's slow movement, and before

you

could say

Jack

Robinson

grotesquea burlesqueas

bounced,and

ever

and
shuffled,

(now

Earl of

Ripon) he

started ofi"into

as

and floundered,
and flounced,
and
flung,
and
a
nd
scuffled,
draggled, wiggle-waggled,
was

shambled,gambolled,scrambled, and skimble-skambled

in Mother
Goose.
Blessed were
bom
they who were

by

Grimaldi

to behold

it.

264

THE

but

though

the mother's

from

eggs, the third

in

If

middle

still

they were

their foreheads,for it was

in
i
f
Sirius
did
not
become
verily

it, cross

hands, down

of the

struck

nine,

and

back

middle,
dos-a-dos
Chassez-croisez,
yet called

interfere ;
set the foot of the

sooner

clock

the

but

authorityto

for

no

The

of masters.

the whole

than

dog-days,and

not for want

at

masters,

my

Corporationhad

mohawk-

and he danced like a dancing

Extraordinary,
thumped,and twirled,and whirled,and so did

mercy the bolt held.

for ten, and yet they never

"

dance

partner.

the

of

again 'twas a
was
gettingon
time,

the fifth

he

great drops rolled down

dancingdog it was

and

otherwise,may
ten-acre meadow, with

man

any

jumped, and

tlie rest,till the

the very

goingfive miles
pickingup

second

seized the

next

He

Fakir.

bull for

whim

The

the

think

country dance,that is to say, in

ing bully of

worth

was

coach-

sack.

It

arms.

wheel,
trundling
hoppingon one leg,the fourth backwards, and

to see, the firstmile

jumped

DANCER.

ROPE

corporationgave

the

Head

^it

!
"

fresh set !

high

of the

fold,
the scafon
corporation
the
to
whim, and
way

into the

medley,as if it had been the

the Mayor of London, scarlet
was
greatball at Easter. There,
chain
and
and
and
all,caperinglike a climbingboy
fur,
cloak,
gold
If you
had seen
the first of May.
that morris danced,'tislong
on
known
not
have
would
own
odds,Londoners,you
May'r from a
your
Hobbyhorse.
carried off with

was

swagger

I say,

Sheriffs

The

danced,and
a

did

so

of the

cast

next, and

came

another

skull,and

scaffold to be

stroked

in to

they gave

who
Phrenologists

three

on

old

for

in

were

who

woman

the neck

the

whim

and

waitingto

take

same

had

Though

wen.

the
upon
her dancing

got

day was over, she hobbled her best,ajpdso did a Jew who came
up to
in hangings,
hagglefor the criminal's clothes,and likewdse an amateur
who

meant

God

knows

but

for

which

to bid

how

the

leap

the

knocked

might

that

whim

in
city,

the 10th of November

five

pounds,

He

had besides in his

in

pieceof

more

many

certain

weightin

high for

on

have

joinedthe

leaped by

was

These

the rope.

the head.

mere

flesh,was

littlemore),and

the

if Priam

Lord

Mayor, and
Mayors

Lord

of sixteen stone

matter

goldchain

was

(on

seventy-

had

weighed it himself.
fiftythousand pounds

good Troy weight

pocket,two hundred and
and
thousand
pounds in silver,
gold,ninety-five
as

as

danced,and
corps de ballet,

the

Now

his

all

five thousand

seven

old family
in his fob was
an
copper ; moreover
to
pounds
watch, formerlythe clock of St. Dunstan, equal ninety-five
and
of
bunch
he
carried
his
a
on
a half.
keys,
huge
Lastly,
person

hundred

pounds

in

keys, warehouse keys,shop keys, cellar keys, and particularly

pantry keys, and
keys, cupboard keys, and especially
above all the Master
Key of the city,which at any old iron shop
would
have been
at a hundred
reckoned
pounds. Only think,my
masters, when guch a corporate body jumped, only think, I say, with
house

wine-cellar

what

smashing,flattening,
crashing,
cake-making
panconfounding,
astounding,
short
down
sole of a foot it would
on
come
any reptile

266

call

child's

ODE

TO

TO

OF.'

DISPOSED

BE

MALTHUS.

MR.

My

dear,do pullthe bell,

And
pullit well.
send those noisy children all

And

playinghere like bears

Now

George,and William, go

You

Charles,James, and
Drive
You're

into the

there,

are

"

grounds,
take your

and

string.

horses,or flykites,or any thing.

quiteenough to play at hare and hounds,
littleMay, and Caroline,and Poll,
Take each your doll.
pair,
go, my dears,into the two-back
"

You

And

there
sister Margaret's

Your
Harriet

and
At

I want

Grace,
far off

to

Let the four

Go

Bob

stairs,

up

"

"

thank

Ponty

In

every

Malthus

go

"

"

among

Malthus, I

thingI

such

And

wants

It's plain
"

as

clan !

agree
with thee !

read

deal of

doubt,

thinningout,
plainas Harrow's Steeple
"

"

Who

thus far,
agree with some
say the Queen's too popular,

That

is,

And

"

There

Too

she has too many

people.
of all trades,
too many
are
many

and

can

never

world's too full,

there is no

The

school.

"

Enjoy my
Mr.

both at

are

Pool"

read,but reallycan't get on

twins, Mark, Matthew, Luke,

to their nursery

Oh

God,

"

bakers,

Jolm,

ODE

Too

267

MALTHU8.

MR.

TO

every-thing-makers,

many

undertakers,
boys,
many
Too many
hobby-de-hoys,
Too many
widows, wives, and maids,girls,
men,
There is a dreadful surplusto demolish.
But

not

too

many

"

Too

"

"

And

yet

some

tluck not

With

Wrongheads,
longheads.

metaphysicians!

Poor

Signpetitions
Capitalpunishmentto abolish
And

in the face of
New
For

censuses

vast

ones

contrive.
hospitals

keepinglife alive,

the

same

that of all Humane

AN

HOSPITAL.

dolts ! instead of last

Layingfirst stones, the

Others,again,in

OF

STONE

FIRST

THE

LAYING

Deem

such

ones

contrariety,
Society

They reallydeserve thanks.

Because

the two

And

root

Serpentine,

were

The

human

Are
!

of the

design,
SavingBanks.
it givenbut to

By
Oh

banks

their

out here

me

to weed

breed.

and there

some

cumberingelf,

!-

ODE

I think

With

MALTHUS.

MR.

I could go

And

For

TO

throughit,

reallydo it

profitto the world and to myself,

the Editors,
the unkind among
instance,
to say
My debtors,those I mean
"

Who

cannot

And

These, for
But

will not

who

or

pay,

creditors.

all my

sake,I'd destroy;
world's,and every one's,
own

my

for the

I'd hoe up Mrs. G

's two sons,
And
's big little boy,
Mrs. B

"

"

"

Call'd only by herself

As

only joy."

"

au

chapel's not too full,

Irving's

Mr.

Himself

alone I'd

pull
"

But

for the peace of

years that have to run,
I'd make
the Lord Mayor's a perpetual
station,

And

put

periodto rotation.

By rootingup
These

are

But

but

all Aldermen

hints

what

good

but

one,

"

might thus be done !

ah ! I fear the

publicgood
Is littleby the publicunderstood,
if with flint,
instance
and steel,and tinder,
"

For

"

Great

Swing,for

No

doubt

His

philanthropic
man.
lightupon thy plan,

once

Proposedto throw

busy fool would hinder

Foundlingto a cinder.

some

burningall the

Or, if the

Lord

Mayor, on an Easter Monday,

That wine and bun-day,
Proposedto poison all the little Blue-coats,
Before they died by bit or sup,
Some

meddlingMarplot would

blow

up,

Just at the moment

Of

critical,
The economy
political
savingtheir fresh yellow plushand

new

coaia.

Equally 'twould be undone.

Supposethe Bishop of London,
On that great day
In June
When

all the

or

May,

largesmall family of charity,

Brown, black,or carrotty.

in their dustyparishshoes.
too, too many
two-and-twos.
till
singtogether they scare the

Walk
In

To

walls

Of old St. Paul's,

in red,grey,
Sitting
Some

say

green,

blue,drab,and white,

gratifying
sight,

ODE

The' I think sad

To

witness

much

so

that 'a a schism

but

"

269

MALTHUS.

MR.

TO

"

pauperism
"

Suppose,I

say, the Bishopthen,to make

In this poor overcrowded
world more
room,
Proposed to shake
Down

Some

the dome
extinguisher,
in the charityGal-yva.y

that immense

I fear would

Save
To

"

Martin

humane

and

come

interfere,

beadle,brat, and

walk

back

overseer.

in their

two-and-twos,

In too, too many

Islington Wapping
"

parishshoes.

or

"

Pall Mall

way

Thus, peoplehatch'd from goose's

egg,
Foolishlythink a pest,a plague,
And
in its face their doors all shut.
On hingesoil'd with cajeput
"

Drugging themselves

with

drams

well

spicedand cloven,

And

turningpale as linen rags

At hoisting
up of yellow flags.
While you and I are crying Orange Boven
"

Why

should

Or trouble
When
We

let

absorb
so
precautions
with
a
quarantine
shipping
we

us.

"

if I understand

the

ought to importthe

FANCY

PORTRAIT

thingyou

Cholera

MR.

mean.

Morbus

MALTHUS.

!"

270

DIRECTION.

GOOD

gentleman,whose

CERTAIN

he had

Proclaimed

Anchorite

An

yellowcheek
livingquite

in

been

not

"

a well
day ;
Indeed,he scarcelyever
led to seek
At last,by friends' advice,was
named
Aberfeldie.
A surgeon of greatnote
Author
A very famous
Diet,
upon
of old,
Who, better starrM than Alchemists
to gold.
By dint of turningmercury

knew

"

in

settled at his country house

Had

quiet.

impatientrambles
Patient,after some
Thro** Enfield roads,and Enfield lanes of brambles.
Our

At

last,to
"

inquiryhad the
Here, my good man.
make

Just tell

Pray

is Mr.

which

if you

me

nous,

"

can.

Aberfeldie's house 1"

stopp'd perusingfor a while

The yellow visageof the man
of bile,
with
At last made
broadish
a
grin:
answer,
Why, turn to right and left and rightagin,
The

thus

man

"

"

"

The
"

road's direct

But

From
"

How

"

"

^you cannot

fail to
go it."

worthy fellow ! one

my
I to know
other houses how
am
stop !

!
"

"

see
why you'll

'"AN

blue

ANCHOKITE.

word

more

"

"

it !

at
pillars

the door !**

"271

consulter

The

of Jolinson's

Dictionaryunder

whether

Sport,or

definition.

"

man,

young

"

the Doctor

"

was

little wit,

greatmistake by

of

the

Amusement,
facts,whether it
I

the term

sion,
signifies
nothingbut Divergreat Lexicographer,
I
but
shall
submit
the
to
with
:
a few
reader,
Play
serious
has not a more
cally,
connexion,or to speak techniit should be Play or Pay.

word, with

When

SPORTING.

OF

be led into

would
Sporting,

ARTICLE.

PLEASURES

THE
The

LEADING

went

upon

the

havinga good deal of readymoney,

Turf.
I began cautiously,
and

I studied

and
as

the

stud-book, and learnt the pedigree

thought,knowingly.
colt
ally
of every new
yet somehow, between sire and dam, continuBy
losing the pony." My first experiment was at Newmarket.
"

"

of

way

a leading
securing

backed

article,I
Duke

of

race

off,and

came

Duke

who
eagerly

and
Jlrst^

but
was

was

by being a
was

paid

Riddles-

preparedfor

Derby.

By

luck I selected

was

but

laster.

puzzle^ but

for my

worth, and

he

slow

stronghorse, and I
informed had got in

This

the

was

told Forth.

was

winner

front

the

placed.

not

was

I asked

The

the

Leeds^but the

good
lent
excel-

an

colt to stand upon

been
tried

had
a

"

it

"

booked

thing
"

SWEEPSTAKES

the

day

Derby thore

'.

EVERY

JENNY

before the
was

familywash,

and the Laundress

HAS

hung

JOCKEY

her wet

linen

272

PLEASURES

THE

paidagain. I
horse,made
backinga single

took

did

not

his lines. I

on

of

OF

Belle

post
"

my

start

Ducrow,

Fury

"

was

instead
four at

upon

came

J. paid

told out, and

began dabblingin the

and

stand,like

Oaks, and

the

advice about

roaringto the
tail'd off.
Comet
was
again
and
wnth
Sweepstakes,
burning my fingers

Terror

luck.

No

once.

SPORTING.

"

Amongst others,a bet offered that I conceived was

bad horse
a
peculiarlytempting,20,000 to 20 againstPost Obit
even
against an outsider."
indeed,yet such odds seemed unjustifiable,
in reality
The outsider was
But I soon
found my mistake.
an
insider,
I
!
of
hounds.
resolved
the
stomachs
somebody's
Pay again
filling
Matches.

the

"

"

"

"

however

itself.
and the opportunity
retaliate,
presented

to

confidentlyinformed

Centipedehad

that

him
laid against
accordingly
the

was

pace,
a

it all his

had

"

hundred

by

tempted

the neck

by

won

Tinker

and it

won,

determine

dead

likelier chance
Bohea

rob

by
I

"

start

freelythat

he

would

N.

B.

I found

when

it

was

There

run

the

me

the

peculiar
I laid that

signalfrom a friend decided

hedge,I offered to lay that
a

to say

mean

the

name

like the
a

was

Cup,

dead

and

heat.

"

his

noble

the

Pay again!

difference of

that ho would.

Plate,and

other, and

opinion,
had

owner

I therefore betted

he w:a/^^"^over

"

Pay

late,

too

was

that I should not

paid in

hang myself

point,from some
opinion.
my

taken

^vas

for

for

of

way

This

offered.

next

would

back

taken ; but

was

and positively
assured
privately

again!

nose."

it is difficult to

the

offered to

and
wrong,
the firsthorse.

was

whether

occasions

two
a

the nose, and to

by

when
occasions,

was

Judges declared
A

"

had

that

me

I remember

Elephant by

brains

out my

winner, I thought I could

and
advantage of situation,
Cobbler

The

of those doubtful

one

as

'

neck,"and

to blow

and

following
Centipedejumped off at a tremendous
and justified
his name
by coming in
way
hollow" matters however
Pay again! These
and
lost
in pocket. They were
won
easy,
lose
unbearable.
To
were
only by
things"
as

inches of horse-flesh !
"

stick.

it would

on,

"

near

few

"

On

"

been

I had

legto stand

"

save
little,

me

but the

"

Giraffe

almost

own
"

head,

when

race

feet in front.'

fretted
to match

half

the

report of

thick

not

have

this case, but

did.
The

Great

St.

still in

was

Somewhat

Leger

reserve.

desperate,

I betted
of the

round,in sums
same
shape,and

my best winner became

first favourite at the
Never

start.
-

,,

shall I
.

come

in ten

REGATTA.

COWS

forgetthe sight! I
him

THE
1

saw

lengthsa-head

of

everything^lioUow
"

hollow !

274
for

after

for

me,

before I

drawn

been
beat

that

useless

was

birds, began to

of

want

It

it.

to

ascertained

moves,

took

for

dogs,

the

"

few

SPORTING.

OF

PLEASURES

THE

the

therefore

point at

game
to

had

try

to

butterflies.

friends, however,

My

looked

for grouse,
bought them and

so

paid
carriage. Pay

the

"

again!
experimentsI
mast
abridge.I found
as
Sporting,
Pugilistic
with
both
usual
good
hands
at receiving
:
inat Cocking the
goes"were far exceeded
Other

"

"

"

by

the

"

"

and at the
that it

out-goes :"

gamingtable,

was

cult
diffi-

very

to pay

my

way

"

in coming
particularly
back.

at

ed
In short I learnof

school

without

in
Sporting,

and

I have

POINTER

meanings

pages

"

manhood
still

the considerate

an

attentions of my
From
To
And

DISAPPOINTER.

of that one
word,
signification
has
been a long,and an uncomfortable
lesson,
in spiteof
unconquerablerelish of its bitterness,

trouble,

but

AND

the

Friends

:"

Sport to Sport they hurry me

banish

when

They

my

regret.

they win

think that I

STEEPLE

smile from

forget."

CHASE.

me

275

POLITICAL

THERE'S

*'

So

while I

I should
aunt's
the

and

consent
"

am

"

Languish.

days of Knights,

Of tourneys and of tilts.

love was
When
balk'd
and

valour

stalk'd

No

Bandits

To

Tunis

I hear

lurk

bears

"

"

"

but owl

"

There's

no

Romance

I wish

I ne'er had learn'd to read.

RadclifFe how to write ;
That Scott had been a boor on Tweed,

I have not

any

Or

to

And

For

Lewis

cloister'd

I had

never

quite!

drunk

deep

so

Miss

no

Porter's vat ;
and vreep
to life,

Romance

"

in that !

secrets

the

bat.

A.

Instead

K.

not

fetch

Newman's

press
of lookingthin and

As if I Iiv"d
no

mouse,

griefprofound.

growing red

There's

or

in that !

confess.

My story would

I'm

or

after moth
flitting

Or

onlyturn

"

noises in the

no

shape,

Come

"

There's

off

house.
No

cease,

me

night
Except my mother's cough,
No
Bleeding Spectre haunts

adventures

The world gets tame and flat,

We've nothingnow
but New
Police
There's no Romance
in that !

Of dear

turban'd Turk

no

"

"

On high heroic stilts

Where
are
ye
gone

Would

and flattered myself that

deceivingmy relations,
hopes art; to be crushed at once, by my
myself the only dupe. But here,Sir, here is

were

and
approbation,

Lydia

THAT

IN

all; behold, my

incense them

of old,O

DAYS

ROMANCE

fondlyimaginedwe

outwit and

picture!"

NO

UNION.

on

and

pale,

fat.

beef and

Romance

pound
;

ale

"

in that!

t2

"

276

THERE

hard, by land

It's very
Some
But

strange

Each
I

vow'd, and

to

me

pen'sreport :

temper chafe.

my

rail'd,and

sire,no jealousDon
flinty
hearts upon

No

Polydore,no Theodore
is Mat,
uglyname

The
At

chestnut

My
Alas
To

had

only time I
Brightonone

Took

in that ?

Romance

away

Or
He
And

He

caughtthe

rein at

length,-

With

His

like other

collar he will

not

folks.

He

There's

no

Romance

By
not

in that 1

Bard

all.

Romance

no

"

in that I

rather bald,his sightis weak.

He's deaf in either drum ;
he cannot
Without
a lisp
speak.
But

Or

"

at

He's

discard,

give up his cravat.

Lord
Byron-like he's

pensive"not

BOWLING.

cloaks.
plumes or Spanish
long sword hanging down ;
in brown

"

but a sprat ;
really
sandy hair and greyisheyes

There's

no

commonly

in that !

smiles his teeth to show ;

from Wales and yet in size
comes

Is

dresses much

Romance

no

is not

TOM

Hewcars

nothing

He

pat

in that !

and

"

But

the Tenth

Romance

"

dark, he is not tall,

forehead's rather low,

His

to prance,

Pratt

is not

He

came

steed

stop my

Butcher
There's no

chance

day,

began

mare

and ran
fright,
! no Captainof

fine

There's

the rack

Matthew

more

"

no

smoothly on

"

No

safe,
There's

goes

"

of track

No

Plain

home

came

love

even

"

railwaysort

His

at,

was

THAT.

IN

Love

sea

or

comes

that I

coast

ROMANCE

NO

I court,

event

nothing ever

That's worth
It really
made

"

Of

then" he's worth a plum.

talks of stocks and three per cents.
chat,
way of private
Spanish Bonds, and shares, and
rents,

There's

no

"

Romance

in that !

THE

sing
"

Tom

Bowling,or
piacer All's

Di
He

"

knows

no

Of

no

lightguitarI

the

save

King,

Repeatsdebates,and
helpshim with

about
a

gnat

"

has

John

voice

And

"

choice,"

no

"

in that !

Romance

never

He

writes, and sends

He

doesn't

No

stealth,no

it

by

the post.

the maids :
hempen ladder

bribe

no

"

SOMETHING

**
-"

The

draws

speakerswere

honey

My
My

his hat

aright,

long had
she

aunt

Pa's and

Ma's

night-

consent

quiteapproves.

Brother

wishes joy from Kent,

None try to thwart our loves ;
On Tuesday reverend Mr. Mace
Of

make

Number

There's

ABOVE

THE

sups.
his coat

My lover bows, and says good

There's no Romance
in that I

Will

with loud rat-tat,

He comes
That startles half of Bedford Row"
in that !
There's no Romance

hands

Jenkins

I've

boast,

cannot

serenades

He

He comes
at nine in time to choose
His coffee just two cups,
And
talks with Pa about the news,
"

God
well

more

For singingthan
And
to Music
as
There's

sing,

Crudel,

Di

or

what

matter

no

Tanti"

277

ABSTRACTION.

THE

no

me

Mrs.

Pratt,

Twenty,
Romance

Sussex

Place

"

in that."

COMMOK.

ABSTRACTION.
forth that dnves

close under

maa."

men

"

Ij^alla Roukh.

the bow- window

of the

inn,and

as

their
herself could not help overhearing
Curiosity
Mrs. Opie's Illustrations of Lying,"
which I had found lyingin the inn window,
and took a glanceat the
the
in
dialogue.
partners

the sash

was

open,

conversation.

So I laid down

"

"

"

One

of them

seemed

to have

"

I tell you,

was

grown

older than

much

like

Thomas,"

the

other,and much

quick-set. The other

Quickset, you are

said

"

was
a

taller ; he

thick-set.
flat. Before

you've

27B

THE

been

have
day in London, they'll

As

of

"

tellthe truth

never

to show

and

Thickset,
'

young

By

No

them

told

"

there

London

I answered

was

thing

or

head.

Take

my

if a

said
Bailey,"

strangeman

an't I to tell him

them

say

last

are

you
to

name

says

"

"

tell his

Brooms, says I,nothingelse.

the honey-pots underneath

before,and know

London

at the Old

Now
"

flat would

how

see

in the waggon.

was

but

one

You

London.

Jacob

you

very

Questions is onlyasked by
put 'em on a wrong scent."

Giles,'
means," answered Quickset ;

of

man.

to her house.

me

are

man,

manner

no

another
about

account.

no

and you ought always to

is to send her man
to meet
me

aunt
"

"

on

of your

out

what's what.

know

pumping ;

But

to me,

the teeth

twice,and

there

I've been

for me,

advice
way

ABSTRACTION.

quite

stranger

nightabout
A

flat would

; but

what
have

I've been

to

two."

desperateplace,"said Thickset.
Mortal!"
said Quickset, fobs and pocketsare
nothing! Your
watch is hardlysafe if you carried it in your inside,
and as for money"
be

must

"

"

"

"

I'm almost sorry I left Berkshire,"said Thickset.

"
"
Poo
poo," said Quickset, don't be afeard. I''lllook after ye ;
cheat me, and they've
to cheat.
only one more
Only mind my advice.
and
Don't say anythingof your own
don't
head,
objectto anything/
"

If I

say.
"

in

what

shock

began
about

the waggon,
his comrade
went

At

Mark

that.

Say

you
he

mean," said Thickset

and

with this lesson

head,
busy himself

to

stable

contradict.

say."

I understand

his

white, don't

black's

say
I
as
everything

for

the

while
to the

horses.

Old

last

Ball

emerged from the stabledoor

with

Old

Dumpling
his crupper

on

of

resting
when

the

from

yellrose

head

the

rear

of

that startled

the waggon,
Number
even

55, at the
Inn, at Staines,

Bush

broughtthe company
runningfrom the remotest

and

box

in

its retired tea-

garden.
"In

the

of everything,"

name

said the
"

landlord,

what's the matter?"

"

It's gone

by goles!"
with

"

all gone,
TKA

cried Thickset,
bewildered

ought not to have

look

said it was

at

Quickset,as

not

gone.

GARUKN.

if doubtful

whether

he

THE

don't

"You

say the honey-pots!" said Quickset, with

letting
very quietly
go the bridle of Old Ball,who

led

Old

say

the

to

mean

alarm, and

some

279

ABSTRACTION.

Dumpling

back

again into

the stable ;

"

don't

you

to

mean

honey-pots ?"
lowing
folhoney-pots,"said Thickset,literally

say the
the instructions he had

"

I dont

"

What

to

mean

made

received.

screech

you

then?"

out

said

Quickset,appealingto

said

Thickset,appealingto

Thickset.
"

made

What

"

screech

me

determined

Quickset,and

then?"

out

to say

he said.

as

fellow's drunk,**'
said the landlord

The

"

the

ale's

got

into

his

head."
"

Ale,
Ale,
"

"

"

all his
"

what

ale has he had ?"

what

ale have

I had?"

inquiredQuickset, rather anxiously.

echoed
Thickset,lookingsober with

might.

He's

drunk,"

not

shouted

Quickset

"

there's

something the

mattei-."
"

and

I'm

with his

"

; there is

drunk

not

the matter," bellowed Thickset,

something

he pointedto the
fore-finger

waggon.

honey," said Quickset, his voice falling.

I dont mean
to say the honey," said Thickset,his caution rising.
Tlie gestureof Thickset, however, had conveyed some
vague notion
of danger to his companion. With
of a cat he climbed on
the agility
the super-human activityof a demon, soon
the
and
with
waggon,
There is a proverb that
new
pitcheddown every bundle of besoms.
brooms
have
seemed to
clean,"and they certainly
swept every
sweep
of
the
o
f
clean
out
particle honey
waggon.
You

don't

to say the

mean

"

"

Quickset

thunderstruck

was

in silence ; while
his hands
search of the absent combs.

When

he

Words,
stamp

found

words

however, did not

and

dance

"

she looked

him
at

gazingat the empty vehicle

wildlythroughhis hair,as if in

he stood

at

last,they

suj0"ce to vent

about,till the

anythingyou like.
A
plague take
as

wandered

mud

and his
new

no

were

his

of the

part

passion;
flew
stable-yard

honey-pots,too," said

pattern on
"

the

of

and he

her best

Litany

began

round

the

to

like

maid,
chamber-

gingham.

The house must

Quickset,
stand the damage. Mr. Bush, I shall look to you for the money."
Thickset.
He shall look to you for the money," da-capo'd
It's all your
landlord.
You
said
the
look
till
doomsday,"
may
If you had told
fault ; I thought nobody would
steal brooms.
own
lock
have
the
under
there was
me
honey, I would
put
waggon
"

It's no

matter," said

I won't

lose it.

"

"

and
"

"

"

key."
Why, there
I don't know

kitchen there
"

I heard

words

"

was

was

honey," said Quickset

that,"said Mr. Bush,

and Thickset.

"

nothingbut

him,"

said John

you

said last

night in

the

brooms."
Ostler

"

I'll take

my

oath

to

his very

280
''

ABSTRACTION.

THE

And

will

so

gown.
"
What

1," roar

of that?"

the

chambermaid, glancingat

said Quickset

"

T know

her

damaged

I said there

was

nothing

said there

was

nothing

but brooms."
"

said Thickset,

I know,"

"

I'm

he
positive,

but brooms.'*
"

He

"

And

"

himself,"said the landlady.

his own
man
speaks agin him," said the
the waggon
come
in, and it didn't seem
it

confesses

saw

chambermaid.
to have

any

it,"said the head waiter.

May be the flieshave eaten it,"said the postilion.
I've seen
two
chaps the very moral of them two at the
Old Bailey,"said Boots.
It's a swindle, it is,"said the landlady, and Mr. Bush

honey

in

"

"

"

"

bar of the

shan't pay

farthing."
"

"

"

tossingin a blanket,"said the chambermaid.

'em in the horsepond,"
Duck
shouted John Ostler.
I think," whispered Thickset, they are
making themselves
deserve

Thoy

"

for mischief

There
Old

was

time

no

As

voice of Thickset
"

The
crupper

to

London

to my

of each

something

like

Ball and

tossed the brooms

the

as

soon

mind,
was
reply
only

somehow,

his

unlucky

last time

the

been

You've

stable,while

companion
they drove out of
possible
they passed under the arch,I heard for the

Dumpling
as

Quickset againlugged Old

to be lost.

the

from

intfD the waggon.

yard, and

up

"

of
a

street,I shut down

the
a

before,and

be

to

the untruth
telling

thwack,

the

horses.

canter

; and

the

sash,and

like the

The
as

STAGE

poor

EFFECT.

don't

report
animals

the waggon
resumed
my

know

sure

broke

turned
"

but

to answer."

seem

of

best

the
on
pistol,
into
directly
corner

Illustrations of

of

the

Lyin^."

**

sorry

indeed

March

to

"

leave

kep',

friends he might have

of Intellect it was,
But quitea foolish step.

The

"

March

No

Peter Stone, O Peter Stone,

here has been a skrimmage !
have they done to your poor
What
O

Lord

breast

I want

And

Her

on

the sentinel

to

deeply strike

Appear'd
"

Walk
And

You're

the dead,

'*
in,"he said, among

pick out

which

you

"

like."

she pick'dout Peter Stone,

And soon
into a corse
;
turned
Half
and
his
bolster,
was
A cannon

His naattrass

was

Alas 1

This

"

THE

the Gazette

of
splinter

shell

At

very

nighta

dance

merry
to be ;

Brussels was
of opening a ball,
ball has open'd me.
"

Instead
A

DANCE."

set in

Patty Head,
last kissing
;

Right in my stomach sticks ;

don't agree so well
French mortars
stomachs as French bricks.
With

horse.

WAR

to my

wounded, dead, and missing!

As

"

come

I'm

Before

very

sorrow

Patty Head,

"

he lies ?
with reddish hair.
corpse
blue eyes."
sweet

If hereabout

image ?"

used to hold my

That

pritheetell,good sentinel,

"

BALLAD.

WATERLOO

282

THE

OF

OPENING

BALL.

"
Next thinga lancer,with his lance,
Its billet every bullet has,
Began to thrust away ;
And
well it does fulfilit ;
!
I
so
I wish mine hadn't come
straight, call'd for quarter, but, alas
It
not Quarter-day.
was
But been a * crooked billet.'

"

"

*"

"

And
And

He

then there
cut

me

on

came

cuirassier

the chest

ran

rightthroughmy

his spear

arm,

Just

"

had no pityin his heart.

For he had sieerd his breast.

He

the joint:

here above

Patty dear,it

was

Although it had

"

joke,
point.
no

MILLER

loss of blood

With

"

dead

As
But

do

women

1 throb

I'm

quiteconvinc'd

Is not

"

why

For
I

did

any

Not

balls and
;

been

myself!

MILLER

alreadya

very

is

bells

bed,

tester !

I used to dress !

changed,and

quiteanother

am

now.

mess.

Farewell,my Pattydear,I have

No dying consolations.

Except,when
And

am

dead, you'll
go

th' Illuminations."

see

REDIVIVUS.
promisingmiller."

"

BelVs

Life in

Londum

when
one
eveningdown Cripplegate,
walking very leisurely
could help overtaking
him ?
who
a lame
elderlygentleman,
who, by the nature of his gait,appeared to representthe Ward.
he seemed
certain lots at auctions,
always going,but never gone :

WAS

I overtook

Like

is become

"

wedding

regimentalmates,

whom

corps

In

why did I the bounty take

(And here he gasp'dfor breath)
of 'listis nail'd
My shillingsworth
the
door
of
death !
Upon

Kernel!

lie in Honour's

isn't worth

With

He

I must

Farewell, my

My

ring at Chester!

never

That

butcher,and

"

Patty dear,our

Here

"

sleepeternal :
my only chance

shell

being made

Will

royalGuelph ?

might have

"

soldier turn

In business for
"

"'

[blows,

coffin I shall lie

sleepmy

ev'n

Of

to.

the field of Mars

field of clover

Without

"

And

kicks and cuts, and

and ache all over

With

off,

"

by chargingover me,
Coldstream
broughtme

soon

The
*

as

I fainted

283

REDIVIVUS.

"

"

284
it

MILLER

that

was

called

There

was,

spiteof

pace,

he

at

reminded

that
he

slow,

not

was

of

you

at

"

^not behind-hand

repartee,
"

dress and

that
figure,

dweller,if not

with

indicated his
strongly

his

in

jest,
"

short,that

rage of the vulture and the love of the

London.

But

accident

an

his

as

was

"

confirmed

soon

lie
locality.

well

palpably
distinguished
equallyby "the
turtle," the good old City of

that clime

native,of

face,in

Quick or Listen in Old Rapid.

least,at a quirk or quip, not

greatwit though he could not jump."

was
something,besides,in his physiognomy, as

was

in his

a
lurkinghumorousness
notwithstanding,

that

saw

There

in

his flesh creep.

terror,made

You

that, from its slowness, is emphatically

fact,had got him into a sad hobble,and, like

of march

kind

halting. Gout,

backward

REDIVIVUS.

surmises.

my

from

of his capaciouscoat
one
plucking out his handkerchief
tumbled out with it a largeroll of manuscript;
the Bandana
pockets,
and as he proceededa good hundred
yards before he discovered the
he
had
before
mon
I
time
loss,
ample
struggledback, in his Crawly Comand even
to
pace, to the spot, to give the paper a hastyperusal,
The
few
make
MS. purportedto be a Collection
random
extracts.
a
*
*
*
*
of Civic Facetiae,from the Mayoralty of Alderman
up to

In

the present time : and, from certain hints scattered up and down, the
considered himself to have
Recorder evidently
been,for wise saws or
Not

witty,the Top Sawyer.

I shall avoid

only such

all that

jeux de mots

to forestal the
or

are,

have

as

EXTRACTS
"

Alderman

very

hard

F.
his

on

the Justice-room
the

upon

he

B.

Old

behind

"

to Alderman

one

hearing,and

F.,'he

Alderman

on
'

I have

last

familyprayers

S.jthe

dumb

Alderman

man

B.

was

broughtto

was

B. declined to enter

notes.
'

said ;

when

dumb

man

Nunc

Dimities'

tobacconist

V.'s

justcome,' said he,

night,and began thus

his

Hill,wore

favourite seat
B.

"

from

day
V.'s

Now

let

"

of Holbom
a

One
linen-drapery.

in the

pointedhim

out

own

shop,with

once

to

me.

hair tied
his back
*

Look

"

his pigtail.'
is,as usud, advertising

Alderman

for his
of

A.
note

to
magistrate

Rob

MS.

"

had

my

Go

in

there he

THE

infirmity.One day, a
chargedwith passingbad

a
queue, and had
the window.
Alderman

to

of

and give
be, his own
sayings,
parentage.

ought to hear it.'

read the Psalm

"

hard

late into Court.

He

FROM

very

equallyhard

was

came

villa.
us

case.

deaf

utters^a
"

'

was

may

distinct

pleasure of self-publication,

own

was

never

'

absence

"

remarkable

graphy.
for his skill in ortho-

a brother
requesting
the
reason
literatim, following
giving,
off in
Jackson the painteris to take me
gone to giveliim a cit.'His pronunciation

him,

presidefor

and
Ofl"ce,

very

writingis still extant,

of his

am

and

MILLER

I remember
equallyoriginal.

was

November, whether

the 9th of

285

REDIVIVUS.

his

he

askingAlderman

should

have

any

C, justbefore
in

men

in

armour

his sheic."
"

Guildhall and

A.

It

he

was

he's trod

when

its

who

always uppermost with Alderman

imageswere
misquoted Shakspeare 'A Parish Beadle,
feels as much
as
corporalsuflfering
Gog and

so

upon,

"

Magog/"
"

editor of

well-known

B., one
Alderman,

he

day, what

inquiredof Alderman

morning paper

thought of his

'

said
journal. I like it all,'
but its Broken English.' The editor stared and asked
explanation. Why, the List of Bankrupts^to be sure V
'

an

"

When

his

Alderman

B.
for

in his art, and

Dobbs,

Mayor, to givegreatereclat

the most

celebrated cook of that

of the kitchen.

command

the

elected

was

for

""

i"

banquet,he sent

to take

the

'

Dobbs

quitean

was

to

time,

enthusiast

deficiencies on
the part of the ordinary
culinary
Mansion-House
him at least to desperation,
he leapt
professors
driving
and
of
the
oration
to
one
dressers,
them, by this
began an
upon
!
call
Gentlemen
do
yourselvescooks !
energetic
apostrophe,
you
some

'

'

"

"

"

One

of the

present Household

of

was

titles in the Mansion-House

origin.When
singular

first exhibited.Alderman

the celebrated

who

in

men

be

armour

his
happened
was
ing
extremelycurious in examinLordshippreviousto the procession,
at the same
the suits of mail, "c., expressing,
time, an eager desire
The Mayor, with his usual consideraof the helmets.
to try on
tion,
one
to be aired,
insisted on firstsendingit down
to the kitchen
after
were

which

For

then

by
warm
intolerably

rampant

that

the

in

be

obligedto

was

armourer

red and

as

hurry

the fire,and
casque upon
Alderman's
head in its own

G.

the Merchant

him, to

some

blunder,the soldier

hastened
Ninth
"

One

you

ever

day

man

there

"

was

B. struck

there's

one

was

he's

in,

'

feat he has retained

one

"

Go

own

of the

one

Tenth

to the

foot.

one

By
G.

of the

' "

of Catch-Singing,
difficulty
the

to Cheshire

in

took

but
fraternity,

Gentlemen, this isn't

of the Tenth

good deal of Execution

Company,

he
frequentFestivals,

officer of the

for
'

of his

Warden

of their

as
dispute,

appeared,
clapped the

recipefor stewing an

for which

taken

was

mistake

the

correct

parts of

Alderman
to

to

the

be let out,

It

since !

an
dinner,a relation,

with

face could

"

At

Tailors*.

out

steam, and

Common-council-man,

the

his

its iron cage.

chief Cook
had

from

found

thus

the title of the Head-Cook,

"

beingaggravated
by his
An
fastenings.

for before

Lion

Pageant,the

of the

his

the unaccustomed

sent

Brentford

from

first uncomfortably,

became

the confined heat

to undo
struggles

violent but vain

inconvenience

perceiveany

not

with

with its gratification.

met

the enclosure
degrees

beaver,but

and

did

he

little time

some

new

to

of the Alderman

the ambition

process

P.,

blishment
esta-

Hangman

Catch.'"

"

he'll prove

286

"

REPORT

To

ZOOLOGICAL

Honner's

with, and
Guardner

Begs to

Feller of the

raeens, threw

witch

well

was

the

Humbel

your

Burds
for

I may

and

was

Bests,considring
Hed

hears

menny

so

say by
favered

Honner, besides lookin arter the Pigs and Poltry.

axnoligemy greatfullness for the Sam, and ham quit cum-

happy,

much

sow

sow

the Anyamung
in Parodies,
let alone my Velveteens.
I ham

wen

as

myself like Addam

of your parshaltyfor
Sur, awar

Liv

"

ham
Breading,

indust to faver with

Farm,

bavin

Pekin

elefunt for

tacken

As

of Hair.
chainges
up

never

his

Statement
wile

Noats
provintial

Sectarydrawd

morandusses,and

on

is dun

of wat

was

at
a

Report from

set his eyes

respex
his hone

and

Stox

Kettle
at the

Kings-tonwith a
beg to say,
curacy
and

datums

my

M.E.S.S.,yet we

the

Qadripids,tho

has

mem-

tallys

tails in the Mane.

our

Honnerd
the wust

the

Park,

to your

Honnerd

has

carrachter

having Bean

mills to reckin

tho the

and
Satiety,
Zoological

to the
provd sattisfacktry

threw
quailifid

fittable and

to

REPORT.

SUR,

Being maid

FARM."

THE

Harvey Williams^Esq.,Regent'sTerrace,Portland

HONNERED

your

ON

moor

Sir,
"

lux
nor

Babby

I will sit out

with them.
one

afore

Carf.

with

Scarse anny
Has
to the

of the

Anymills

weave

with fore

Wappity Dears, hits

King Sollyman,but

their his for

one

wus

add

legs
then

littel Dear

ZOOLOGICAL

hinds.

she

five femail

betwin

The

Sambo

has to heat

Springwas so unnatral
is of no use for the
Sing-Sing
nor

ever,

to the

grow

the

Report says,
Sur,

Honnerd
assis and

uncommon

Inndever

to

the Mail

"

assis,and

Owen

longharmd

thingsto

dandled the pure

with

Atemps

Babboon

backbord

his

Foles

no

not

as

munth

to

rum

ment
NessessaryConfine-

rich in

Assis,boath
recumends

Commun

will do

Report
my
for your
Honner.
The Kangroses
but looks to be ill nust
and not well
a

femail Feller too

nus, but she

infunt Zebew

dry

to

The

deth.
to

Boney

about

their
one

the

to

reerd up a largesmal fammily

of
put to there feat,and at the surjesting
to the

but

Zebry

the

as

as

out

consequinsthe

hits moor

littelAxes

too

Carf, but

verry

Cross

gitthe Maltese

in

Mr.

by

sent

was

smal."

Satietyis

the

as

and

for Gorsichan

one

Uttel

Spaiceis verry

regardto

in

increst

has

Their his too

Quaggys.

up
Has

hiUabis.

Dear

her Forn

as
innqueries

on

Grow

Neil

The

hoki.

the Axis

But

287

REPORT.

prevent

is all so ded

of the

groing out

put

was

voilent and

too

was

to

owen

boath
sholders,

with umphs ; but the spin as is suposedwas

parrents being defourmd
and
it sudenly desist. Mr. Wallack
in
will be
hert
the exspearmint,
Sheap has add sioks lams, but one was
glad to here the Wallachian
in the gardenwitch is fattle to kattle.
pisened by eatingthe ewes
Has to Gots we
was
going on prospus in the Kiddy line,but the

BillyGots

becum

got into the Stox,

dissorder havin
and

Do

one

the

and
pus
than

brekfisted

Mother

Hairs

as

witch

Brewd,
maid

bean

object,and

an

The

bunnis.

her

the

to Good

up

ous
contigulet alone

Fridy wen

increas in the

advice tacken

was

we

rid of the Hole

got

we

good Helth

all in

was

on

butts a weak,
menny
As
regardsRabits a

so

Entire.

with the

do away

obleegedto

did

and

vishus

so

Groth

of Mr.

of

Prince

Bares for the porKillin one

Mr. Roland, who recumendid
of ginny pigs their is moor
We
hav a gratenumber
of Greece.
of the

"

twenty

of them

Struthus

About

in

Burds

Pound.

one

is in

the Ostreachos

perfichelth
Committy was

full of

and

sittin and
egs wile the
sittinto
as was
we
hop they will atch,as we put them under a she Hemew
hav
Busturds
not
Mr. Harvy. We
we
xept
got a singel
propos breading
I am
specieman of the specious. Galnatious Burds.
sory to say

Plums.

The

Curryso has

not

sidder these Birds

Turkys

and

"

air considdered
of the

there

tho

the

for him

to bread
to

maid

day. Lickwise
Utilityfor the Tabel

being of

"

the

be Cok

results hav

sum

Report says
Mr.
Yard

grate Cok
of

"

and

the

now

hav

not

for

the

under

the
witch

degestedtrials
be

Wat

repetidin

is remarkable

provd gratelayers

plentey of Turf.

of the Wud

"

obtained

expearimintsmust

Crockford
and

and

more

deduckshuns."

of the

accuracy
Better

"

by

PoltryFouls

on

bean

but their will be

satisfactry,"

them

on

Crismus

on

pressentedby

providedwith

vourd

conas
we
disapinting
a
razing gratemenny

moor

sucksided in

We

report informs

order to istablish the

the hens

the

was
expearimints
intresting

very

subjex as

Crax.

the Counsel

the

Hits

bread.
our

as

some

Committy and
with regardto
latter head

lade too

femail Hen

The

onely we

aquoticWarter

We
have
Burds

hav
no

we

indeWud
hav

288

risenable

hits

onelythey

is recordid

acount
not

as

the

disturb

to

nes

stock

into

into since

other

they

Hotter.

At

Honner

beg

as

Ponds

but

there

of

go

exact

an

State

unwillinga

the

at

hole

with

of the

Rabits

Farm

and

in

one

Poltryand

the

to
breadingof sich beingwell none
to
principals refer your
he eums
home
for the Holedays. I

wen

Parnassian

Sheap

acomidated

was

riting.But

worth

produst nothin

self but

but

Gorge

say the

furgotto

ears

their methodistical

to

Master

to

dukelings

Too

plaicedtheir out

suckcesful

most

Pigginsand Ginny Pigs

SkuUboys,

to have

correclytacken and the ammount

and
Herrins
Spunbillsand Guls and

ben

hav

we

wonted

of the

wear

on

swons

leftas bean

number

The

of Yue

Pint

very

Satietycontanes a grate
well as they wood
on
a

there Heds.

one

un-

lo

Polish

of heals of witch
qantitty

by the Pellycanesand
Burds.
Looking
piskiverous

checkt

one

The

is very

Pond
pressent their exists in one
in
others
and
too
of Gould Fish of the coma number
mun

Karps

of

Sort.

as

We

they shook

turned

wear

looked

bean

The

lay.

Dux.

and also

of flownders
qantitty

Warter.

thriv all most

but

Dux

the Mandereen

from

go

the Black

has offerd to black

into the

with

the Sam

and

farm

commun

and
cygnitures,

Hunt

did not

witch

and

of Gease

number

REPORT.

any

Mr.

aloud to

not

bread

hav

not

but

to expens

as

con3ishun
wood

theyhav

but

wite Swons

ZOOLOGICAL

the

with

Pen

hav

attemps we

next here with new

here, will be prosycutid
Vigors.
is
Honnerd
Skeam
of witch
an
Sur, their
aggitating

to it

maid

this

"

aprove verry hiley.

and that is to make

and Fallo

Buffloo

Mufflons

The

plan is

the

Farm

dears and

to

owen
a

Farm

Omay.

have

cetra to

of the Femail

sum

For

humbly

Fellers,
"

instances

their horns Gildid

and

the

the

The
Sheaps is to hav Pink ribbingsround there nex.
munkys is to ware
fancy dressis and the Ostreaches is to have their
stuck
in
their
heds,and the Pecox tales will be always spred out
plums
fraim wurks
like the hispaliers.All the Bares is to be tort to
on
Dance to Wippert'sQuadrils and the Lions mains is to be subjective
and

and

to pappers
to

be

the

The gould and silver Fesants is

curling-tongues.
Plait Powder
and the Cammils
and
evry day with

Pollisht

Drumdearis

and

other

Crukidnes.

Hr.

Howerd

and

Peckaris

and

Kings Patten
candid

with

Flours.
Bever
Balld
The
for

The
is to

the

Spoons of the Spoonbillsis to be maid as like the

posible. The elifunt will be himbelisht with a Sugger
maid
by Gunter and the Flaminggoeswill be toucht up
ruge and the Damisels will hav chaplitsof heartifitial
Sloath is proposd to hav an ellegunt
Stait Bed
and the
"

ware

Vulters

one

baldnes

Grains will be
a

with

waste.

witch

any mills is to be paddid to hide their

is to filedown
the tusks of the wild Bores

as

Castle
Frentch

defourmd

of

Perren

will be

that I

by

and

dictait menny

smalt
the

Proof

Hats

Whig
Hippotomus
from

more

"

and

Trewfits.

modes,
imbellishing

Honners

obleegedand humbel

former

the

tite laced

am

Your

Yery

hided

lite Warter

put into trousirs

Experience will
I conclud

Servant,

Stephen

Humphreys.

290

LITERARY

such

tion at any

establishment,
althoughmuch

of those institutions where

at some

spent

REMINISCENCES.

invaluable

time

was

gentlemenare literally

young

of
at one
boarded, lodged,and done for. My very first essay was
called
because
those placesimproperly
se/wi-naries,
they do not half
teach any thing; the principals
that the little
being probably aware

consignedto them to be out of a mother s way," as

for any thingelse. Accordingly,
presentsbut a very dim
my
memory
vivid group of
of
amidst
a
a more
head,
powdered
pedagogical
image
females of a compositecharter-part
dry-nurse,
part housemaid,and
the
back
with
i
n
a matronly figure
part governess,
ground,very like
Mrs. S., allegorically
''our universal
Milton
as
representing,
says,
there is no
of
mother."
But
Minerva.
Of those pleasant
glimpse
boys are

"

often

as

"

has been said

earlyschool days,of which so much
and sung, there is littleamongst my retrospections,
perhaps,
excepting,
like
have
been
at
some
home,
charity,
might
sportswhich,
enjoyed
of sundry strokes,neither apoplectic
without the drawbacks
nor
lytic,
paraassociations with

physic,and
periodical
whether

repugnance

unwelcome

dim

and

of
compasses

from

our

heads

sure

butable
attri-

be
bed

warm

into

empty

an

on

not

am

not

mach;
sto-

decided

perhaps I owe my
monotonous
walks, or

our

extras.

earlyrisingmay

to

precocious
wintrysummonses,
to
our
damp school-room, play at filling
to

at

invincible

an

other

sedentaryhabits to the disgust

rather processions,
ferings
or
maybe to the sufwhere
those longerexcursions of big and little,
a
pair of
had to pace as far and as fast as a pairof tongs. Nevertheless,

with wonder, the occasional visits of grown-up

I yet recall,
exand sensibility
scholars to their old school,
all in a flutter of gratitude
the spot where
recognising
they had been caned, and horsed,and
and blackdosed,
and
and
and
brimstone-and-treacled,
flogged,
fagged,
and kibed,and fined, where they had caughtthe measles
stickjawed,
and been overtasked,
and undertaught and then,by
and the mumps,
suuff-box to their
a
presentation
offering
way of climax,sentimentally
revered preceptor, with an
ten to one, in dog Latin on
inscription,
at

"

"

the lid !
For

my

part,were

own

would

giveme
to
generation,
and

the

I to revisit such

out
greatestpleasure,
House
turned
Prospect

find

exchange for my knife and fork, and

without knowing the Latin for prize,
and
that a block of
to unbelieve again,
a

before

factory,
Manu-

but

spoon,
a

prize for
I had

belief which

marble

could

be

cut

Latin
wards
after-

in two

razor.

be
the

as
classical,

Ducrow

would

the

say,

Athenians, the

day

sacrificed a
Theseus, their Founder, gratefully
been
his
had
of Corridas the schoolmaster, who
in fashion,how
such offerings
the present day, were

Festival

of

in memory
instructor ; but in
would the
frequently

animal
appropriate

big a donkey

the

ram,

too

Cloth

Floor

youth,it
the rising

playgroundconverted to a bleachfield* The tabatiere

I carried off nothing
question. In the way of learning,

in

To

regardto

mere

into

of my

the

is out of the

with

of

haunt

to

get over

Pons

be

Asinonim

donkey,and
!

especially

LITERARY

29]

REMINISCENCES.

transplantedin due time to

preparatory school,I was
I was
is called by courtesy,a finishing
one, where
immediately

From
what

the

beginevery thing againat the beginning. As this was but a

of coming forward,there seemed
littlechance of my
way
ever
becoming what Mrs. Malaprop calls "a progeny of learning;"
indeed my education was
pursuedvery much after the plan laid down
by that feminine authority. I had nothingto do with Hebrew, or
Algebra,or Simony, or Fluxions,or Paradoxes,or such inflammatory
branches ; but I obtained a supercilious
knowledge of accounts, with
of
enough
geometry to make me acquaintedwith the contagious
fluent enough in some
countries.
unknown
Moreover, I became
tongue to protect me from the French Mark ; and I was sufficiently
at home
(duringthe vacations)in the quibblesof Englishgrammar,
set to

backward

bore

to

all my

friends,and
parents, relations,
"

pedantical
mending of their

acquaintance,by

cakeology."Such

the

was

total of

sum

much
I should
have
as
; being,probably,quiteas
my acquirements
learned at a Charity School, with the exceptionof the parochial
of anthems.
and singing
accomplishmentof hallooing
I have entered into these personaldetails,thoughpertaining
rather
to illiteratethan to literary
the
because
reminiscences,
partly
important

subjectof

Education

hint that

writer

One
A

of my

often

may

mean

readers at least has

schoolmaster

and
pupils,

of

has become

to

answer

to the

that the

serious purpose.
of his
one

the father of

vacation,on

his announcement

informed

was
establishment,

credit for

givenme

called,
duringthe

in

prominent interest,and partlyto

in earnest what he says in jest.

of the

re-openingof
gentlemanwas not

young

declared

The

that

he had

his
to

read

worthy parent
academy.
in the Comic
Annual, and had made
Camaby Correspondence,"
his
the pedagogue,
mind.
dear
"But, my
Sir,"expostulated
up
is nothingbut a
Annual
be serious ; why the Comic
cannot
you
book full of jokes!"
returned
the
Yes, yes,"
father, but it has
return

the

"

*'

"

"

let me

into

few

coming again!
And

of your

tricks.

I believe Mr.

Hood.

James

is not

"

reasonablyasked,where I did learn anything

which
promise Universal Knowledge
establishments,
extras included
and yet unaccountablyproduceso very few Admirable
I
be
t
hat
Crichtons*?
did not duly
It may
plausibly objected,
avail myself of such overflowing
to
opportunitiesdabble,dip,duck in,
if not

now,

it may

be

at these

"

"

and

drink

deeplyof,the

Pierian

that
spring,

was

an

Idler,Lounger,

Tatler,Rambler, Spectator,
anythingrather than a student.
that the severest
be,first,
punishmentever
my replymust
shoulders

To

which

inflicted on

the being " fond of my

scholar-like ofience,
was
a
my
book," only it happenedto be Robinson Crusoe ; and secondly,that I
for

did go ahead at another

guess sort of academy, a
will be littleflattering
which claim
to those Houses
"

many
to

In

spileof hundreds
names
distinguished

of

it has
associates,

connected

with science

school-fellow.

u2

nevei
or

reference

to which

Aristotle,
Socrates,

happened to me, amongst the very

to recogniseone
as belonging
literature,

292

LITERARY

REMINISCENCES.

"

Alfred,and

other

order

humble

very

ushers

without

"

Worthii,as

reallyschooled

without

"

of the year

Sponsorsand Patron
beingcomparativelyof a

prospectus, without
premises in short,without

"

"

"

without

almost
consequently,

autumn

their

me

without

sign

commodious

and

ample

and
'pretension,
The

Learnedissimi

school that

The

Saints.

custom.

1811, alongwith

most

portentous comet,

choly
change perplexingmonarchs," brought,alas ! a melanrevolution in my own
positionand prospects,by the untimely
him to the
death of my father ; and my elder brother shortly
following
drew
the fragments
of the family
grave, my bereaved mother naturally
"

fear of

with

closelyaround her,so that thenceforward her dearest care was to

She did not, however, neglect
only son, myself,at home."
keep her
or
persuadeherself by any maternal vanity that a
my future interest,
finished his education ;
boy of twelve years old could have precociously
more

"

the next
springfound me
accordingly,
called a High School,in reference
literally
ground.
and

In

house,formerlya suburban
over
a
up two
grocer s shop

Essex

day-school,
kept by

his

had

pupil,he

which

low

his

pupilsthan by

Indeed,he

own.

one, with

modem

he

better

main

than

his reward

the

of brown.

niuince

His

national tartan.

was

dais, some

inches

with
above

set

his desk
the

common

that

had

seemed, of

all

damask,
been

together,

lined with

at

article,

home

floor.

was

From

in

an

sional
his Profes-

regime,
elevated
appropriately

the ancien
was

his

his state,

quaint,carved,highbacked,elbowed

an

Chair, which

it

to

of faded velvet, of

was

of crimson

robe,

emigre^ from a
under
aristocratical drawing-room,

lookinglike

as

proper

content

of
proficiency

in the honourable

cap

good,
learned

had

"

portionof

in

less resembled, even

but
pedant,perchance,

Small as was
our
disciples.
covered.
His
and walked
and
gowned
black,or blue,or purple,or sad green, or
with

As

even

done

had

high

boys.

maintained
its Principal
College,

the

was

in

of

realize

Pedagogue
of love,"who
a labour
teachingwas
his
and
of
and
calling,
importance
dignity
a

"

whom

of the
a

little

of

very
been

concerns

favour

to

worldly tradingSchoolmaster

honest,earnest,olden

find

failed

have

brother

my

victimized

contrary, had

Earl

was

wholesale

fortunes,by

the

went
himself ; and my
own
certainly
experience
he
however
to the interests of his scholars,

neglectedhis

have

externals,the

sense

one

from

unfortunate

days,when

been

that he attended

to prove

might

of the

that
inferred,
logically,

be

may

the

on

its distance

to

of those

ignorantmen have made

ushers,gullible
parents,and

competence, it

by

of

master

worthy Dominie,

our

his better

many

so

terms,

been

In

called in his native land.

have

might

there
pairof stairs,
he
would
decayedDominie, as

"

"

select

seat

at what

this moral

on

and

dozen of
yet kindly eye over some
vigilant
h
of
habits
authority,ad not
sharpened by
youngsters; for adversity,
soured him, or mingled a single
tingeof bile with the peculiarredto the healthier natives of the North.
streak complexion,
so common
he seriously
within
was
On
yet
one
occasion,
memory,
solitary
my

material

eminence, he cast

LITERARY

discomposed,and
characteristically
he

whom

accused

that

all
forgetting

"

of

he

that
because,forgetting

293

REMINISCENCES.

was

regardfor

Dominie

his

by

was

decorum

;"
Parent, she

common

well

as

daughter,

own

as

"

Father j" instead of

heedlesslyaddressed him in public as
o
f
The
dunce never
stirred
mere
a
provokingcontrariety
Papa."
his spleen,but rather spurredhis endeavour, in spiteof the axiom, to
had
''

fit for any thing. He loved

his kill-horse happened to be his hobby

sake
teachingfor teaching's

Nihil

make

with

boy
penniless

the road

and

if he
doubtless,

had

met

he would
have givenhim
learning,
Dick
to
Waggoner
Whittington for love.

on

to

like the charitable

lift,
with
I recall,
with which
I
therefore,
pleasure,the cheerful alacrity
used to step up to recite my
for
forewarned
lesson,constantly
every
a

"

"

It

was

so

interested in

his stock

has

schoolmaster

true

an

in

and

teaching
;

not

"

to take

impossiblenot

"

in my
in
interest
what
learning

joke

to

months

few

stand

light."

own

he

seemed

education

my

gressed
pro-

farther than it had done in as many

infinitely
years under
of
and
and
B.
L.
L.
listless superintendence
D.
Assistants.
A.,
tolerable
was
a
some
Latin,
picked up
English Grammarian, and

scholar,that I

French

good a

earned

edition
a new
by revising
Moreover, as an accountant,I

fee

"

of

"

few

the
I
so

guineas my first literary

et Virginie for the press.
"

"

Paul

could work

bonum

summum

i. e.

"

good sum.
In the

time,

mean

undertoned

bashful

Modest

wooer,

Success
worldlyheiress.
diminished

of scholars
came

but

"

fine

one

of fifteen or

that

"

than

increased.

nine

morning,about

that

of
courtship

loud,brazen

line,
mascu-

The

prosper.

At least

no

number

boys

new

a
o'clock,
great

"

she

gal,"

remarkably well grown that she might have

her unexpected appearance
with
mothers," made

been

"

bag

and

The

apparitionof

any of
books.

Merit,to

the school did not

rather

but
sixteen,

is the

unfortunate
generally

so

"

our

sensation that she excited is not

The
a

so

Governess,with

to be

Proclamation

of

described

Gynecocracy

!
Of course
SHE
instantly
astounding
formed
and
had
the
class
form
herself
SHE
to
:
a
might prefer
;
any
considered as
most
of us
being just old enough to resent what was
afiVont on the corduroysex, and justyoung enough to be beneath
an
The
truth was, sub rosa, that there
to the silken one.
any gallantry
was
a
Boy's
plan for translating
turning the unsuccessful
us, and
could

not

been

have

more

"

School,into
eldest
the

daughter

but

"

Academy

it had

lo !

be

to

conducted

the old.

leash of female

"

Dominie's

be well

to

brief

school Fellows

the

by

thoughtprudent

been

beingoflF with

set before

new

elapsedwhen,
the

Ladies'

on

periodonly
"

They
malice

appearance,

threatened

and

with
accordingly,
greeted,

were

could

nuisances the

suggest. It
sex

endured

is

to

push

us

from

all the annoyances

had

like
sisters,

three

Degreesof Comparison personified.

Big,Bigger,and Biggest

their unwelcome

with

our

that

made
stools.

juvenile

to remember
amusing,yet humiliating,

at the hands

of those

who

were

thereafter

the
to

honour the shadow

of its shoe-tie
to groan, moan,
sigh,and sicken for
itssmiles, to become
and
nonsensical,
lack-a-daisical,
poetical,
prosaical,
"

"

294

REMINISCRNCES.

LITERARY

melodramatical

perhaps even

for its sake.

Numberless

the desk-

were

quakes, the ink-spouts,the book-bolts, the pea-showers,and other

lucky
phenomena, which likened the studies of those four ununregistered
Pursuit of Knowledge under
maidens
to the
Difficulties,"
in a very small minority
that I was
to reflect,
that it glads me
so
againstthe persecution
; having alreadybegun to read poetry, and
for something
mistaken
to write somethingwhich
was
even
egregiously
the
result
of
The final
of the same
nature.
strugglein the academic
in
succeeded
the
hen-cuckoos
whether
nest
oustingthe cock-sparrows,
record ; seeingthat I was
is beyond my
vice versa
or
just then
"

"

"

"

the

removed

from

School

where,

as

contest,to be introduced into that Universal

preparatory ones, we have very unequal shares
of

scene

in the

the fagging,
the task- work,
flogging,
the same
breaking-upto expect, and the

in the
but

for in the Grand

hope
a friend
brief,

holidaysto
In
to

initiate

of the

in those

me

Gresham

and
same

the

pocket-money;
of happy
eternity

Recess.

familyhaving taken

mercantile
profitable

fancy to me, proposed

mysterieswhich enabled
a

Frank
gildhis grasshopper
; and like another
Osbaldestone, I found myself plantedon a counting-house
stool,which
for a Pegasus,on
nevertheless served occasionally
three legs,
every
In
of
commercial
foot,
course, beinga dactylor a spondee.
matters,
Sir Thomas

the
crew

to

only lesson imprintedon

from

up your

Archangel,come
P. Y.

my
to

memory

receive

is the rule that when

their L. S.

C.

THF,

WINNER

OF

THK

LEDGER.

D., you

must

ship's
lock

295

SHOOTING

WITH

AND

ROVER

SHOOTING

"

If I shoot any
ill-luck

With

Zounds,
What

To

My

And
Of my

two
are

we

that

Sir

the whole
for

have

pay

"

been in the army

leave
Christopher's

pointersI brought,
not a pointtowards
game

he has been

far,were

nice

yet !

advice !

chalker,

his words,

I could go without

If my

no

me,

day

gamekeepertoo, with

course

Not

"

to star

I'm sorry I came

yet !
confidence fraught.

manor

With

But

gun,

I'd better

Macheath.

I'llbe shot,
determined

march'd

matters

his

more

seems

I have

PAINS.

chargeis prepared."

The

For

RANGER.

birds

legscould cry out,

they'dcry

"

Walker

296

SHOOTING

PAINS.

if,

Hawker

Not

could find out

"

My appointmentsare modern
I've broughtmy
And
own
To

mark

down

all he

But

I can't find

The

partridges,where

mark

promised a

As

brace me,

To

the

the birds

I have

tried

'

!
they'represerved
beholden,
shy.

well

are

so

friends I must
"

gettingquitenervous

"

For my
so send

Jervas,

two

pheasants how
not a jot more
My sport's
As

they lie ?

can

even

I'm

"

Antony

leash to Miss

without

To

And

can.

the least I could do

But

buy.
'*

silver pheasantsand

ev'ryform

for

golden

hare,

furze that could shroud

Every patch,every

man,

for my

"

I have

flaw,
and Mantony

her,

"With toil unrelax'd.

But

Till my
I cannot

I've been
In the

is tax'd.
patience
be taxed for hare-powder.

roamingfor

hope

of

hours in three flats

snipefor

snap at ;

stillvainlyI court

But
The

percussioning
sport,
for
setting
nothing
my

woodcock,

well-loaded

With
But
Neither

this month

"

left I've made

Right and

"

"

I find

cap

is the

time,
"

readymy

not

lock

for.

double,

spiteof my trouble.
I find a cock
barrel can

rabbit I should

at !

for !

despise,

lurk in their burrows

lowly

But

they

But

day'sthe eleventh,
It is not the seventh.
to be keepingit hole-y.
they seem

For

so

This

And

mallard
haunted
Mine
To

I've waded
each

is not

the

pool,and

the

marsh.

each

luck,
Duck,
Drake, like

lake

"

oh !

obtain thee, O

Or to doom

thee,O

Draco

!^

THE

peoplecall sport,

If this is what
Oh

I
sporting

! of
And

can't have

there stillremains
mischance

More
"

RUN-OVER.

Fined

on

my

gun

shootingwithout

for

BOUBLE

high sense

one
"

license."

any

BARREL.

RUN-OVER.

THE

you see that ^ere gentlemanin the buggy, with the dipt un ?
inquiredNed Stocker, as he pointedwith his whip at a chaise,some
"
Well, for all he's drivingthere so easy like,
fiftyyardsin advance.
"

"

Do

comfortable,he

and

throughhis body
"

him

Rather

for all

It's true

affidavit.

"

and
gig-shaft,

me,'*drawled

than

removinghis cigarfrom
*'

had

once

that's

fact,driv right

"

box, without

his mouth.
with

that,"returned Ned,

The

the

on

passenger

shaft

nod

of his head

equal
to the

in under

run
one
armpit,rightup
besides pinninghim to the wall of the
t'other,
stable
and that's a thingsuch as don't happen every day."
Lucky it don't,"said the smoker, between two puffsof his cigar.
It an't likely
let alone the getting
to come
often,"resumed Ned,
the
it
is
wonderfullest
which
over
afterwards,
part of it all. To see

to

an

tug, and

again at

out

"

"

"

"

him
wall
"

"

pinned to
bowlingalongthere,he don"'t look like a man
with the rod throughhim, rightup to the tug do he ?"

stable-

"

Can't say he does,"said the smoker.

For my part,"said Ned, " or indeed

in such

why,
to the

as

case

I said

tug

benefit.

would

"

and

But

have

afore,with
two

somehow

said,it's all
a

shaft clean

man's

any

up

with

through your

alwaysstuck to it
"

people

and

me,

inches besides into the stable

he

part,most

good reason
inside,
rightup

wall,by

not the

way

wall, you

of
know

THE

but his

"

opinion,that

own

flintsabout

that

"

The

"

I don't know

but

and

"

better for

they do

he should

get

him," said

"

he

say when

off

came

was

firm

as

as

exactly."

the smoker.

rightson it,"said Ned,

the

he

it

over

enough the event

sure

dextricated

was

"

from

in

and

for I warn't

there

"

the

rod,there was
greatestdangerwas

course
throughhim,
from
the
lungs
thoroughdraught."
said the fumigator.
Nothing more
likely,"

tunnel
regular
his

299

RUN-OVER.

the

of

ketchingcold in the

"

"

"

cured by Dr. Maiden

Howsomever," continued Ned, he was
who
Stratford,
giv him lots of physic to provoke his stomach,
make
him eat hearty: and by takinghis feeds well,' warm
mashes

of
and
at

"

and
first,

then

meat, in

hard

of

course

time

he

filled up.

hardlybelieved it,though when they see him about on

but he always said he would
myself for one
overcome

"

his

it,and

"

was

good

as
"

No

"

I,"said

don't know

remark
and

do

more

Mayhap

says

he

with

man

wont, he

won't

Ned,
he

book

"

"

man

and

he

with
turns

as

"

it's a
"

for certain.

"

one

he

is."

will,he will,
that

it

so

hardlya scratch on
quitecorrectmind, I''m good for
out

is cut to ribbons will say

never
if he's one
another round, and so he proves, particularly
farmers.

but

"

you
may
in
the
wounds
helps
healingkindly, but

is,for I've observed it. You'll see

his face,and says he, I'm done for
while another

what

the Havannah.

on

about

good pluck

the

I don't know

philosophy it,"resumed
if a man
recovering,
says

the

of mine

if he

If that an't game,

his word.

as

Nobody
legsagain

"

of

your

small

I'll giveyou

a reason
why."
then,"said the smoker.
that they'reall as hard as nails
is,"repliedNed,
My reason
for
take
more
pebbles
They
regular
thrashingthan their own
game.
and nothing
corn, and that's sayingsomething. They're all fortitude,
else.
Talk
amiss
to
about
'em, from
punishment! nothing comes
butt-ends of whips and brickbats down
to bludgeonsloaded with lead.
can't hurt their feelings.
You
the more
They'rejistlike badgers,
you
welt 'em the more
it's
at
and
when
a
a
they grin,
turn-up
over, maybe
cattle fair,or a stop by footpads,
they'llgo home to their missises all
"

Now

"

''

"

blood

over

holes

in

and

wounds

their heads

as

cool and

enough

to

comfortable

scarifya

as

whole

cowcumbers,

hospitalof

with
army

surgeons."
"

"

The

thing Scott

very

in the person

of honest

has

I ventured
characterised,"

to

observe,

Dandie."

Begging your pardon.Sir,"said Ned, I know Farmer Scott very

well,and he's anythingbut a dandy. I was
just a going to bring
become
We
out-and-outer.
forward,as one of the trumps, a regular
him
friends throughan axident.
and
darkish
It was
a
night you see,
in his goingtowards the
a littlelushy or
so, making a bit of a swerve
"

"

middle

of the

the old

Regulator."

"

"

Good

Was

road, before

God

"

you

exclaimed

could cry Snacks

left-hand

my

not the poor fellow hurt ?

"

! I

was

companion

over

him

with

on

the

roof.

300

RUN-OVER.

THE

"

Why,

But

face,like

have

picked himself
his arms,

all

says he,
I can't credit
That's

it,"exclaimed

jistwhat
spiteof

composure,
eyes, and his

a
wryish
jointhe preferred."

bit of the

course

picked him

you

'*

his head

wouldn''t
a

far from

it ; he

accept a lift

even

then his back, and

after that he guv a nod,

bit,and

the roof.

on

his

"

the broke

so

light

on

rib,he'd
one

any

considerable

Let alone

veracity.

bigger than

he made

But

man

said," repliedNed, with

on

collar bone, and

Macadaming.

of

But

Ned, quietly, and

the

his wife
the slur

in it
flint sticking

basket.

made

and
and his lines,
thighs,
he
toddled."
and
right,' away

in

with

pick of the

himself,and

decided

quietusfor

"

only felt about

his

and
'

"

your

and
quiteindependent,

up,

He

the box.

"

Take

the road.

on

up, and got him inside,and

"
answered
Quite the reverse,"

and

been

"
"
the compassionate
he
ejaculated
passenger,
queer !
the Regulator,
of the
looked dreadful ! I remember
one

oldest and heaviest vehicles

on

very

have

got the exact

that hadn't

man

Looked

must

Though

it would

looked

he

"

"

Ned, with

answered

him,"

often, and, as the Jews say.

and shook
at first,
queer

out

men

for

the pronoun.

emphasison
nine

much

not

black

two

hole in his head,

find since
you- can
a

and not
it all,

clear

beingvery

notions,I'm blest if he didn't tell her he'd only been

with a truck !
down by a man
said the smoker, on the box.
Not a bad story,"
I confess I made
remark.
a
internally
parallel
Naturallyrobust as
Hamlet
let
faith
I
could
Belief
is,
lay hold of me,"
no^ as
my
says,
narrative in his hand, like a copy of a writ.
I
with the coachman's
am
no
indeed,to the peculiarhardihood of our native yeostranger,
manry
in
his
zeal
for
o
verdrawn
their
had
but
credit,
Ned,
certainly
;
it had never
been one
the truth.
As to his doctrine of presentiments,
but
it
of the subjects
of my speculations
a superficial
on
view, appeared
;
of
life
in
that
could be preto me
or
cases
death,
improbable
casualty,
determined
besides in his

"

knockt
"

"

averred ; and particularly

as he had
as
certainty
of
who
has
t
he
Bills
been
lady,
accepting

with such
I

to know

happen
Mortalityat

months'

two

them

honoured

We

had

overtook

due.

when

date,for
It

past ^but has

fated,however, that honest

many

was

years

scarcelytrotted

half

when
silence,

pacing the breadth

was

Ned

in his facts.

mile in meditative

who
sturdypedestrian,

never

"

in his theories and corroborated

to be confirmed

was

certain

as

well

we
as

like a land surveyor

than a mere
road,rather more
traveller.
He evidentlybelongedto the agricultural
class,which Ned
the
of
title
Small
Farmers.
Like
had
Scott's
by
distinguished

the

lengthof the

Liddesdale
saw

two

tops and
observe
his hand

yeoman,

he

below
which
shaggy dreadnought,
you
in
of
a
calves,penned
pair
huge top-boots the
beingof such different shades of brown as you may
wore

well-fatted
the boots
in two
he

the Heralds'

"

arable fields of various

carried

formidable

Collegewould

he looked
Earl of Leicester,

have
so

a
soil,

knotted
set him

like

rich loam

and

club-stick,and
down

bear with

at
a

once

a
a

clay. In

member

tenant

raggedstaff.

of

of the

THE

observed

Dolter,and
walked
We

his wheelers

anxious.

almost
and

him

upon

wavered.

passing in

was

waggon,
still a chance,

leaders

was

furrow.

the man
gave a sharp halloo
decided the matter.
He
him

^in

"

looked

the

wheel

of

escaped

he cleared

plainprose,

the broad

ahead

"

minute

back,
Scylla,but Charybdis yawned for
Rocket, but contrived to get under
which

of his

steady ; and the man

if he had been
ploughinga

Ned

"

One

far from

were

as
quiteso straightly

not

were

seemed

Ned

that

30J

RUN-OVER.

the

Warwickshire

opposite direction.

There

was

be stopped without
much
fly-waggon may
^but the waggoner
with three maids
notice
was
inside,sweethearting
cried
that were
voice
Woh
! but the
to
out
Coventry. Every
going
The
horses
the wheels
the bells
rumbled
right one.
plodded on
jingled we all thoughta knell.
Ned
their haunches
instantlypulledup, with his team
upon
all alighted,
in a moment
the sixteen
the Rocket
and
we
was
even

"

"

"

"

"

"

licensed to

lay, what
the

In the midst
at the fatal spot.
carry were
of
last
considered
bundle
linen
we
a
justcome

home

from

mangle.

"

That's

"

Poor

un," said

dead

the butt-end

circle

of the

of

smoker, throwingaway

the

he

as

spoke

cigar.

the humane

wretch," exclaimed

the

from

man

"

roof,

what

must

have

!"
shockingspectacle
"

It's

"

It'*s
all over,"said the passenger

"

And

been

said
happy release,"

for
cripple

"

said I.
his chest.,"

over

He

on

right.

my

lady

on

left ; "he

my

life."

can't have

body," said

rib in his

whole

from

man

the

dickey.
"

Hall to

"

The

To

gentlemanfrom

ever

I've had

longsighit

mouth

opened one

eye

gasped the tongue moved

disjointed
syllables.
We're nigh ^hand" an't we
"

Yes

yes

"

bewilderment

close to

"

asked, "Do

"

the

the inside.
luck

good

to

see

many,"

the

it,"answered
you

himself.
human

the

"

and

"

"

"

"

the

Ned

get over that," said

astonishment, however,

he can't

our
a

see, and

guard.

No,

After

worst

said the
"

hattums," said

the

right"then

at last

nine

still breathed.

masg

dozen

live there?"

?"

voices,and

but

the

"

spoke,though in

even

milestun

"

other

set

was

one

in

rightby

its
the

sufferer himself.
"No"
"

amilefudder."

Where

off for him

"

Better

cigarwith
may
"

want

is there
on

one

surgeon ?" asked

the
leaders."
of
a

the

not,"said
some
a

Is there

German

surgeon
never

the humane

man,

phlegmatic smoker, who

tinder and

lucifer

"

had
not

"

"

I will ride

lighteda

used to

fresh

saddle

"

yourself."
doctor among

the company

"

inquiredthe guard.

302

RUN-OVER.

THE

"

am

man," replieda squat vulgar-looking

personage.

medical

I sellMorison"'s pills ^but I haven't

"

the

it," said

Glad

of

Poor

wretch

about

any

"

"

me."

smoker, castinga long puff in

the

other''s

face.
**

the fatherless
like
"

"

said the waggoner.

woife andchilderin
coom

Does

any

he

is?"

who
the

inquired
but there

the gemman

Maybe

has

card

answer.

no
"

can

know

one

coachman,

was

The

"

I."

upon
*'

"

blaame,"

not to

were

beyond

he looks

familyman

is

and

widow

the

help

He

"

Heaven

aid.

human

sighedthe compassionateman.

!"

said the

summut,"

or

gentlemanfrom

the inside.
"

there

Is

near

"

house

no

inquired

the

lady.
*'

For to

shutter

get a

off on,"added the

"

Ought

man.
gentlenot

we

to

THIS

IS

YAWN.

CHURCH-YARDS

postchaise,"
inquireda gentleman's

procure

WHEN

TIME

THE

footman.
"

Or

"

Shell

jump

the man
shell,in case,"suggested
be hanged !" said the sufferer,
in

yard backwards.

easy does it
be I flat ?"

"

A
I

Stick

^that'scomfortable

"

"

"

and

"

little pancakey,"said the

with

man

with
say,"repeated the sufferer,

quiteflat

as

"

flat like

as

tell me,

now

the

from

which

words
**

an

effort he contrived
he waved

us

best thanks

"

"

Yes

or

and

get up

no

and

"

the

assurance

latelypassedover
the

sit upon

goodbye,accompaniedby

stone,
mile-

ing
the follow-

sarvice to you, and a

yourselvesabout me, for there's

journey. Don't consam

dangerous. I shall do well, 1
"

there,

"

Gentlefolk,my

I go upon

to

"

nonsense,

no

all

us

cigar.

No, no, no," burst from sixteen voices at once,

seemed
to take as great a load off his mind
had
as

body. By

mile- stun

and

"

his

made

*'
earnestness, be 1 flat

some

sheet of paper

dickey.
that

tone

agin the

up

me

the

from

and

know

if I bean't flat I shall

my

I shall

get round."

and

pleasant
notliing

I'll tell you

what

30.i

ISLE

THE

THE

BOY

AT

Alone I did it !
"

I SAY,
Do

Why,
Come

Bov

!"

NORE.
Cortolanus.

"

the small Isle of Man

from

come

your historya mystery must

tell us as much
as
you can,
Little

live it

"Which

But

THE

littleBoy at the Nore,

you

You

MAN.

OF

be,
"

at the Nore

wholly on water,
in
calls living

seems

Gambier

your

how

Boy

clover

"

it,if that is the case,

half seas over,
eternally

comes

You"'re

"

Little

Boy

at the

Nore

while you
while you dance
you ride
Never
mind
orthography
;
your imperfect

While

"

"

"

But

giveus
Your

as

well

as

you

can,

watery auto-biography.
Little

Boy

at the Nore

float-

304

In
Half

at the

tightlittleBoy

I'm the

sort

Nore,

I dwells

of

sea
;
a
negus
and half 'twixt saltwater and Port,

the first of the swells

rcckon'd

I'm

I'm the

I lives with

look

men

"

lights

catch the firstglimpseof my

I'm

gets cold

never

I think

owes

in the

much

beingwell

To

the

Nay
So the

one

!
"

to beat

man

THE

AT

Cits

as

word

caughtfro

soaie

"

at the Nore.

NOIIF,.

in debt

than

goes

above

Is the
*

Boy

thing,I'm never
I liquidates
more

keepingthe head

In

feet

the

BUOY

"

health,

used to wet
As

There's

Boy

is sweet,

of my

THE

"

at the Nore.

head.

salt water

life on

So my

at tho Note

Boy

flounders,
;
throughlongdays and nights

Yet, cruellyeager,
To

"

toes to the

my

watches

And

LOQUITUR.

NORE

THE

AT

BOY

LITTLE

NORE-

THE

AT

BOY

THE

oughter*;

by,

water.

Boy

at the Nore.

American

Trader

in

passing.

306

JOHNSONIANA.

but those who

despisepuns

"None

To the Editor

m.ike

caunot

of the

Comic

them."

Swift.

"

Annual.

Sir,
As

but

am

occasional reader

an

in the temporary indulgence

of the
recentlybecome cognizant

I have
of intellectual relaxation,

but

metropolitanpublicationof Mr.

Murray's

Dr. Johnson
been

circumstance

the
of

simultaneouslyaware
I could

memoranda.

bo

Croker's Mr.

BoswelFs

for
deprecated,

amalgamation of

contributed

have

to

more

that

Mr.

if I had

miscellaneous

of characteristic

personalquota

nous
anecdotes to the biographical
reminiscences of the multitudicolloquial
the
of indubitable
founded
basis
on
which, although
lexicographer,
the multifarious effusions of
has never
veracity,
transpired
among
ing
of mechanical
that stupendouscomplication
which, accordingenuity,
modem
technicalities in usage in our
obtained the universal cognomen
of the press.
dictates that the nominal identityof the
to

the

from

whom

and

umbrageously obscured

I derive my

voluntaryaddenda

authoritative

to the

Expediency imperiously
hereditarykinsman,

shall
responsibility,
in

but

nomenclature, has

future

alreadyinestimable

be

varionmi

inviolably

editions

concatenation

his

of circumstantial

be discriminated from
particularisation
might typographically
cious
Boswell
and the vivaof the indefatigable
accumulations
literary
classificationof Boz, Poz, and Coz.
Piozzi,by the significant
In posthumously
the phenoand philosophically
mena
elucidating
eliciting
of defunct luminaries,
in
reference
to
whether
corporeal,
nomical,
physiogdemands
the
strictest
or
justice
metaphysicalattributes,

the

in order that the heterogeneous

not
preponderate
scrupulosity,
may
the homogeneous in the critical analysis. Metaphorically
over
ing,
speakI am
convinced that the operative
point I am about to
rationally
film from the eye of the biographer
a pertinacious
developwill remove
of the memorable

Dr. Johnson

reiterated verbal

aphorism so

with reference
especially
ascribed to his
preposterously

and

inculcation,
namely, that
pick a pocket ;" however

"

he who

irrelevant such

fact,that
irrefrangible

in

erudition erected

stupendousDoctor

by

the

that

colossal

would

make

doctrinarian
monument
himself

of

(of

pun
maxim

to that
sational
conver-

would
to the

etymological
implying

course

the paramount gist,

Dictionary),
scope, and tendency
of his laborious researches was
to
obviously giveas many meaningsas
the
In order,however, to place hypothesis
on
possibleto one word.
immutable
with
foundation of fact,I will,
permission,
periodical
your

his inestimable

adduce

few

which

Johnsonian
will

reparteesfrom

my

evolve
perspicuously

the

the inimitable author

of Raeselas

did not

cousin's anecdotical

rabilia,
memo-

conclusion,that
synthetical
such
predicate
dogmatically

307

JOHNSONIANA.

in
degreeof moral turpitude
aggravated

an

the

of
perpetration

double

entendre.
for the epistolary
laxityof
requesting
indulgence
Apologistically
I
efiusiou,
remain,Sir,
unpremeditated

Your

humble

very

obedient

an

servant,

Septimus

Reardon.

October 1, 1833.
Lichfield,
*^

Do

walking after

the dead
doubt

no
"

"

I think

The

Doctor

in the

sheet

"

if he

felt any

ever

presentimentat

mould

like

out

go

but whether

Wick

lady

winding-

%=^'^^^^^^^^

'^^^^^^^^P^.'^

snuff;

at

in

or

Johnson,

death,f|^^B^_
somebody will 'Wailyyjjte

that

same

candle, it

doubtless indicates
and

I have

candle.""

said

Madam,"
a

"

in

said Johnson,

Madam,"

"
"

"

"

in Saul."

March

Dead

The
superstitious.

notoriouslyvery

was

lady,

in-their favour."

are

appearances

him

asked

"if

the

heard

Lichfield

said Johnson,

Madam,"

"

subject;I have

the

on

?"

death

"

believe then.Doctor,in ghosts?"

really

You

once

"

reallybelieve.Dr. Johnson," said

you

Hampton

Greece,must

dependupon

the

Dr. Johnson
comfortable

graves."
not

was

rides.
Heb-

in the

"Pray, Doctor,
how

did

sleep?

you

inquired a

"

benevolent

Scotch

who
was
hostess,
extremely hospitable

so

that

hundreds

some

occupiedthe
bed

"

wink

The
and

said
not

nightlong; sleepseemed
all the rest of my
body."

Doctor

and

Boswell

the latter said

MS.

ILLUMINATED

AN

had

the whole

bug from

to

same

Madam,"

Johnson, "I

ways
al-

once
"

they must

io

fieefrom

in the Isle of Muck,

lost themselves

spiertheir way

the

at

Sir,"said Dr. Johnson, you'rea scoundrel :

anybody you like,but I am not goingto run a-Muck

met."

"

"

I meet.'
"

What

and
eyelids,

my

first

body they

may
spear
and tilt at all

you

"

do you

after emptyinga sixth

penetrates my
doubtless the

very
worm

afterwards

whisky, Dr. Johnson ? hiccuppedBoswell

of toddy.
tumbler
Sir,"said the Doctor, it
"

think of

soul

"

"

like

of the

'

the small-stiit voice

stillis the 'worm

inquiredthe

Doctor's

that

opinionon

x2

of
never

and
conscience,'

dies.'"

well
Bos-

and
illicitdistillation,

308

JOHNSONIANA.

how

the great moralist would

"

the Excise.

and
the

Doctor

The

"

North.

in

by

I should
spirit

satirical on

always

was

very
said to the

Sir,"he

goingto join his regiment,

Providence

may
limbs.

nether

of

especially
may
your
here,but you must import a wooden
leg." At
broke
out.
Sir,"said he to Boswell,
he
in

man's

they had

known

hand.

The

Cathedral

at

said Johnson,

Calcutta

from
of

India

have

it must

and
altogether,

worst

endeavoured

to

company
once

and
doolies,
said

"
usual,to tiffin.
Madam,"

was

battle,

walking-stick
the old prejudice

Macbeth

was

idiot ;

an

might be carried
frogsin the fable : if

the

the moral

and

religious

triumphantlythat there was

of a Bishop'sPalace.
Sir,"
"

poorestof Sees

they

is the

nothingbut howdahs,

as

the

been

in

you
a

grow

King
lengthon

a
some

countrymen, and
Kirkwall, and the remains

"

Icombally, who

of it."

remarked

Mull

and

Egg

East

make

Log they
at
day expatiated

of his

like

Scotch, Sir,are

in the

in Scotland

wood

every

one

character

and

that

would

Boswell

have

ought to

of timber

Dunsinane

"

"

assist

the contrabands."

by

preserve

You

smugglers

the

I should

stand

the want

Laird

young

"

and

affraybetween

an

the letter of the law

to the
according

but

Customs,

act

If I went

won't

take

providefor

of

all company.

curry

Johnson's

Rum

your

Bishop."
Lady fresh
by talking

favour

bungalows,till the Doctor

he, in

took,

have

that would

tone

scared

India's very well for a rubber or for a bandana,

its
but
what
of
with
ink
or
a
Bhurtpore,Pahlumporo,
;
Barrackpore,Hyderapore, Singapore,and Nagpore, its Hyderabad,

tigerout

of

"

jungle,

cake

for

Astrabad,Bundlebad, Sindbad, and

had country altogether."
Master M., after plaguingMiss

Guzzaratbadbad, it's a

poor

and
^

Seward

to his mother

and

Dr.

Darwin, and

that he would

large

good if she
would
My dear child,"said the parent, feeling
herself in the presence of a great moralist, you ought not to be good
You
consideration of gain,for
virtue is its own
reward.'
on
any
and without
thinkingwhat you are
ought to be good disinterestedly,
said
Lichfield,
him
an
apple.
give

tea

party

at

be

'*

"

'

to

get

for it."

have

you
The

same

"

said Dr.

Johnson,
the hoy goodfor nothing?"
lady once consulted the Doctor on
Madam,"

*'

you

the

are

fool ; would

degreeof turpitude

"

son,
Madam," said Johnrobbingan orchard.
the weight of the boy. I remember
it all depends upon
my
schoolfellow Davy Garrick, who
was
always a little fellow,robbinga
to be

attached

to her son's

"

dozen of orchards

apple tree, for

an

and

it

called

was

with

Caleb

impunity,but the very first time I climbed up

was
always a heavy boy, the bough broke with me,
judgment. I suppose that's why Justice is represented

with
I
a

pairof

scales."

Whitefoord,

the

whether

he

Dr.

famous

of
inquiredseriously
be
to
man
a
ought
pickpocket,for being guiltyof a

punster,

reallyconsidered

Johnson,
the
transported,like Barrington,
double meaning.
Sir," said Johnson,
"

more

he

moans

the better."

**

once

that

if

man

means

well, the

309

THE

Do

It

was

by invitation to
Mary-le-bone.
Senor

name

The

very
awful

memory,

and

turned

somehow

livelypicture
"

convulsion

if

livelyit

of nature.

may
The

the

and

of the famous

that
surpassing

of remarkably
person
of description.

upon
Lord

power
memorable
and

quake
great earth-

Senor

Mendez,

Portuguesecapital,gave

be called

"

of the

Leaning Tower

of

us

horrors of that

dreadful

picturewas

rent from
house,a substantial stone mansion, was
the steeple
left. impending over
of his parishchurch

own

High-street,
Portuguese,
by

wonderful

year of our
that time in the

the

in

agent at Lisbon, a

most

I went

that

"

mercantile

at
residing

was

18

of November,

P/s

Mendez,

Lisbon,in

at

who

7th

Bull.

John

only

sup

conversation

the

"

MARY-LE-BONE.

friend P., at his house

my
other person
a
present was

with

The

retentive

deviate?"

never

you

evening of

the

ou

AT

EARTHQUAKE

GREAT

the

Senor's

attic to cellar !
it at

an

angle

Bologna!

wonderfullyexpressivecountenance, with a
vivid ; and as I listened with the most
styleof narration indescribably
of the calamity became
intense interest,every
dismal circumstance
1 could hear the drearyringing
of
awfullydistinct to my apprehension.
the bells,
the
the
of
the
churches
to
self-tolled from
rocking
;
swaying
and
fro of the
steeples
the
natural
unthemselves,and
The

Portuguesehad

lings
heavingsand swelof the
Tagus, were
As the
before me.
vividly
agitationsincreased, the
voice of the

Senor

became

awfullytremulous, and
seemed

seat

rock

under

to
literally

him.

and
palsied,

could

P.'s looks that he

affected.
his

his

I seemed
from

see

larly
simi-

was

To

ceal
con-

he
disorder,

kept

swallowing large gulps

from

his

followed
This

and
rummer,
his example.

"

the

second

followed,
and, to

soon

use

it
expression,
us

both

first

only the

was

shock;

"shake

pular
po-

made

in

our
DO

THY

GENTLY.

SPIRITING

shoes." Terrific,
however,
as

it

was,

the

third

was

more

tremendous;

the

order

of

nature

TU%

310
seemed

reversed

the

their

ponderous

the water, and water

seemed

anchors

moanings

from

the

dry ground ;
solid ;

the fabrics

the very

bottom,

iire burst

air,no

swaying

and

forth

tic,
longerelasand

to

fro,and

of ages ; hollow

of the

centre

to the

volcanic

surface ;

stupendous

sank

Tagus

the

from

down
irresistibly
battering
as

the

to

rose

become

to

in

ships

from

EARTHQUAKE.

GREAT

rumblingsand
ing
warning of deafen-

world, gave

explosions,which soon followed,and seemed to shake the very

stars out of the sky.
All this time,the powerfulfeatures of the Senor
imitation of the convulsion he was
ing,
describkept working,in frightful
and the effect was
horrible ! I saw
P. quiverlike an aspen
there
"

seemed

such

no

thing as

the floor tossed and

Our

chairs

under

rocked

heaved

; the candles wavered, the windows

tumblers vibrated
teaspoons rang again,as our

the

and

firma.

terra

us

tered,
clatin

our

hands.
Mendez

Senor

length concluded

at

his

took
and shortly
narrative,

leave ; I staid but a few minutes after him, just to make

remark
a
on
the appalling
character of the story,and then departedmyself, little
"

that
thinking,
realized

by

The

hour

part of the

any
own

my

being late,and

to the door.

me

uncommonly

serene,

of the

morning
from

I had

threw

second

legs a

which

the

on

deck

of

instant.

barelykeep
the wall

as
stirring,

Lisbon

when

ship
the

With

in
at

one

clungto

greatmist

The

of the

smart

as

ment
pave-

the

as

first,

street

it

my

heavingabout under
me

over

but

step I

thrown

was

middle

time

nodded
run,

the

I recovered
difficulty

mean

sea.

been

on

earth threw

of the

shock,

some

the

attempted to
I

second

day had

however, P. had barely

violent motion

houses

At

panied
accom-

noticed

was

to the
standing,

was

earth

my
at the next

violent I

more

rush.

feet.

on

speedily

so

himself

here that the

remark

and

ground.

and
violently
agitated,

fall every

be

to

bed, P.

in

servants

breath

sudden

time,the

like the

me

the

oughtto

not

got partlyup

again

me

was
description

great catastropheat

the step on

"

closed the door, when

me

late

experience!

lamps, too, seemed

if they would
as

impossible I could
against
forcibly

was

"

dashed

was

into the road

lamp-post,but

it

; as

came
be-

the motion

swayed

with

like

me

perceivepeople
of them
some
hurrying about,
;
be
but
to
a
as
so confusedly
addressing
quiteunintelligible
; one
me,
sought
beI
alarm
her
close
in
evident
to
hand,
me
:
passed
lady
seizing
her to flywith me
from the falling
houses,into the open fields;
a

suddenlyon, but I could

all staggeringlike drunken
men
came

"

"

what

she made

answer

threw

me

on

my

I know

face with

not, for

such violence

in this state
Providentially,
the

who
nightpolice,

watch-house,till the
Mr.

to

givea

W.,

of the

that he

that

as

render

to

so

much

fresh

shock

sible.
quiteinsen-

me

of

some

of

safety,in St. Anne's

vered
recobeingsufficiently

for

of that eventful

Morning Herald, was

kindlydid me the favour

a
instant,

I attracted the notice

humanely deposited
me,
following
morning ; when

collected account

in the following form.

at

the ingenious
evening,

interested

of drawing it up

by

for

my

tive
narra-

publication

THE

Intelligence.

Police

This

*'

morning

evidently

made,

town

he

till

got

Jack-o''-lanthom

country
rather

as

and

fined
the

in

office,

hogs

for

the

as

tipsy
usual

voice),
by

^IV.J

he
drunk

as

NEVER

make
Sir

COULD

He
it

one."

KEEP

but

MY

found
hard

very

LKGS

of

him,
whole

the

he

Daly,

excuse,

The

having

attempted

some

thought
as

Mr.

Richard.

night
over-

out

that

acknowledged
to

mud,

Mary-le-bone.

declared

defendant

of

Waverly

nothing

and

according

to

in

make

could

suit

new

walked

gutter

He

The

natur.'

in

having

Quaker^

but

that

only

up

state.

sum,

muttering
being

of

sort

Lisbon

strong

(anglice,

voce

^ve

'

him

shocking

much

too

whiskey

of

in

was

in

picked

some

was

with

charged

was

Street.

Boio
"

gentleman,

country

Kennehcorth

his

who

he

that

but

stout

311

EARTHQUAKE.

GREAT

sniffed

with
was

his
to

taken

have

of
sotto

stopped
out

way
to

pay

312

PRIDE

ODE

TO
The

The

ST.

SWITHIN.

rain it mineth

every

uay.

is overcast,the morninglow'r?-.
ev'rywindow-frame
hang beaded damps

Like

HUMILITY.

Dawn

On

To

AND

of small

rows

celebrate
constant

The

The

lamps,

Jubilee of Show'rs

sprinklepattersfrom all leaves.

Dryads are not dry, but soppers,

very
And
from
Tumble

the

illumination

the Houses'

eaves

eav""s-droppers.

hundred

clerks that live

to mercantile

Bondsmen

alongthe street,

and

cityschemers.

and
squashing,
sloshing,

feet,
galloshing
the
like
steamei^
wet,
paddling,
through
paddling,
Each
hurryingto earn the dkilystipend
With

Go

"

pass of every shade

and then a crimson

Umbrellas

And

now

Ijike

an

Umbrella

ripend.

of green.
one

is seen,

314

ODE

As

if there

were

TO

SWITHIN.

ST.

Water-Cart

no

contractors.

beer, no shop-boys ruddy

pot-boys spilling
Spooning out puddles muddy,
Milkmaids, and other sloppingbenefactors !
No

you
oh ! how

Yet

Even

Pelted
Folks

They
They
And

Than
The

by

those that seek the

with

every
rail and swear
say
say

are

you

at
a

creature

of

bowel

no

you'realways washing

some

whole

They
They hope
in your

old

Nature's

wringingcloud by
wants

town

face,

! You

are

weary
in your
too

NTVKR

you

! heels

up'ard !
drizzle,

veins to stop it
partialto a mizzle

HAiNb

"

"

BUT

duck

it,

porridgesupper'd,
big bucket,
your own

of your

Pray drop it !

IT

of towel

mud

your
kick
that you may
water-butt go souse
you

way

duck'd,just as

own

short,so
They
the
water
They'd spill
wam'd

you

on

are, in

Be

Court,
spleenand spite.
place ;
you in every
of

term

that you then supply her,

With
nothingdrier,

wish

Or

right,
are, rainingin your own
little flatterM by report !

Queen

315

FIGURE

SPEECH

OF

keep without

only boatman
"

He

"

She's

had

the Firth

on

sail

"

candle

the
"

and
of

wind

like that

it !

was

Dundee

Law.*'

again,
double

of the

Angus-shireand
room,

under

"

with

"

her sails all

turn."

for
speeches,
foregoing

broad

Scotchmen,

Fife.
a

coarse

white

dimly lightedby a
rosemary,
another
at the feet,lay the objectof
magnitude. In life,
startling
poor Jock
rue

the

"

ferry-boatmen,and

and

Jock

"

"

up

the sound

than

dialect of

head,
corpse

come

of the low-roofed

sprigsof

SCOTCHMAN.

over

belayed with

all Dundee

extra- wide

at

comments

him

blow

was

rather

the other end

sprinkledwith

of

sheet

speakers

At

gale of
Tay to do
a

her ballast and

were

usingthe

of

enough to

emptied

standing every
I givethe sense
the

reef in

BKOAD

STORY.

TRUE

To

"

APPARITIOIN.

THE

"

sheet,
small

their
was

a
little,
stretching
perhaps,as is usual in
sions
of the room,
the dimenthe
limits
narrow
advantagedby
seemed
supernatural. During the warfare of the
absolutely
Allies against
native humour, had
Napoleon,Jock, a fellow of some
himself by singingabout the streets of Dundee, ballads,
distinguished
I believe his own,
of Ballad-Jock
againstold Boney. The nick-name
selves,
themnot his only reward
subscribed
was
the
loyalburgesses
;
among
and made
the management of
him that fatal gift,
a
ferry-boat,
which
The
have
reviewed.
we
catastrophe
just heard so seriously

unusual

death,and

stature,but

316

THE

took

the river

"

weak

and

"

such

tay,"at

the

Tay

"

her

the

with

Nelson,

in

aback

"

to hear

their way

on

were

fact,the devoted

fashion, caught
and
went
capsized,
two-and-twenty persons,

sails set, fair-weather

after a convulsive whirl

takingwith

is

In

seasons.

gale blowing againstthe

anythingbut what the Irish call

furious

stormy Sunday, a

place one

tide,down

APPARITION.

sudden

all

gust,"

in

down

forty fathoms,
greaterpart of whom

the

celebrated Dr. Chalmers,

at that

even

"

highlypopular, though preachingin a small church at some

in Fife.
After all the rest had sunk
I forget
the name,
obscure village,
to an
observed clinging
of Jock was
in the waters,the huge figure
oar,
hold of his feet,
sufferer probably catching
barelyafloat, when some
afterwards
he suddenly disappeared,still graspingthe oar, which
uprightinto the air,as it rose againto the surface,showed the
springing
time

"

"

fearful

depth to

it had

which

carried.

been

The

of Jock

body

the

was

enough depositedby
strangely
at the Craig,a
own
dwelling,
been hastily
had
It
ferry-boats.

last found ; about the fifth day, it was

of his
the tide almost
at the threshold

the

by
pieror jetty,frequented

small

caught up,
lying as it

in the

just described,
the public,
in state, and
myself one, being freely
it
crowded
would
was
the room
hold,
by fish-wiv^s,
laid

in its clothes

and
were

out

admitted,as far as
mariners,and other shore-haunters,except
which

narrow

death's

natural

the

bed, all

directed

w^ere

that part where

be

lying at

his side !

within,echoed, though
crowd

egress

in the

company
wider blank

mistrusted

sight;
my
of the
the flickering

eye, or
flame of the
after several

became

more

of

"

of horror

by

cause,

towards

horror

the

and

squeezed up
and

left
at

twitchingof the

shadows,

the

door, but

the

dread

all

from
from

compass
dead ! I confess

some

caused

burst

another

far

first I
ol

nerves

by the unsteady
opticaldelusion ; but

thrown

some

watching,the motion
slowlyupward", as if
proceeding
awfully manifest,now
the deceased,still beneath the sheet,was
struggling
up
of

sepulchralsilence and

It is

his head.

popular consternation,

the

have

candle,might
minutes

feeblytowards
the

that

it seemed

the

the hand

livingand

the

between

just
perceptible
be
to
supposed
might
was

their former

to half

room

"

sheet

made

was

impossible. Nevertheless

was

the

"

mariner

ignorantof the

generalrush

without.

nearest

quarter. One of the

the socket, the other just
of rank
but by the
smoke,

shout

and

scream

of those

one

that

towards

of the dead

the hand

it.

from

was

at

vacant.

and
looking
listening
largesurpluscrowd in

to enter

and sputtering
near
guttering
twinklingout, and sendingup a stream
of the
dim as it was, a slight
motion
light,

candles

the corpse,
The

feet next

kept always
was

the

eyes

few

eager

the

waitingbefore
a

dead
with

crammed

was

buzzingwithout,there
dwellingfor their turn
exclamation
sudden, at a startling

heads,and by
On

towards

awe

door

the

manner

"

gain

strugglesto

impassableby
each other,and

the

very

with

but
to conceive,
possible

the shrieks

the

of women,

only outlet,choked

efforts of

desperationand

ghastlyfaces that dared

not

"

describe,

not to

the shouts
up
fear !

and

"

turn

from

of

men

rendered

Clingingto
the

f)bjpct

THE

conAOilsive

the very

side of the

but

by sound,

now

with

assembly backed

dread,the whole
oppositewall, with
of

rattle

smart

force

threatened

startled

"

with

united

that

energy

dwelling when,
"

317

APPARITION.

before

againstthe
force out

to

silent motion,

by

somethingfell from

the bed

and disentangling
itself from the death drapery,
floor,
displayed
Crab
!
The
a
creature, with some
large pound
design,perhaps
had been secreted in the ample clothes of the drowned
sinister,
seaman,
but even
of this apparition
the comparative insignificance
gave but
little alleviation to the superstitious
horrors of the spectators,
who
that it was
appeared to believe firmly,
only the Evil One himself,
to the

"

"

"

and
as

endure

cries from

its diabolical contact.

the presence
and the
distance,
respectful

and

failed

within, of

itself

cleared
efl*ect,

to

and
twinkling,

wdth

The

of

free

sea.

distinctly
recognised.Many
leaptinto their craft ; one or two even
crept as close
wide

"

own

the

before

and

he's

"

simmer

in

"puir sillybody

Sirs,what
a

for

hundred

sciousness
uncon-

are

ye
voices

aim

no

tance
the dis-

rally
genehind

in

her
let

to

gaun

shouted

out

fiend,the resolute old

fortable
a comprize,promisinghim, moreover,
cannie ;" fish

no

of her

the mickle
the

depositedhim

aware,

In vain

partane?"

fast clutch

was

Hech

"

an

bide,Katie,
a

Craig

water, whilst others

along with a very unaffected

importance. He seemed to have
sand, and had accomplishedhalf

Crab-Devil

with

apron,
siccan a braw

kept

where
every-

the

little decrepit
a
them, when
poor old sea-roamer,
"
dexterous
snatch at
Creel Katie,"made
a
as

patch-work

dame

evil

salt water

towards

gang
"
Let him

of

straddled

he
justice,

and

end

"

known

claw,

the

that led into his

lower

into

in

he could

a thoroughfare
verge of the pieras they could,leaving
the broad path of honour," to the Infernal Cancer.

"

of his

higherthan

as

seemed
disguised,

the

at

door

fast

had

to the

as

do him

mentioned

however
Spirit-,

sinews

through the

began crawling

Satanic

"

herculean

as

native

The

had

passage

the littlejettybefore

beldame

it, aye, even

rather
itself,
outside,warned by
by this time retired

crowd

crab,doingwhat

instinct

natural

before

the corpse

Mahound,

clapperclaw,down

To

infirm
sidelong,

retreated

changed place,to crowding closelyround

than

to

straddled

equallyshrank

sturdy boatman
it

crab

the

Wherever
transfigured.

pat, for

gudeman:"

and

or

the benefit

she

kept

of herself and
her

word.

that

Before

dressed in his shell,to the infinite horror of

nightthe poor Devil was
with horns,
all her neighbours. Some
said that a black figure,
even
and

wings,and

been

flyout of the
unearthlysmells,as of

and

hoofs,and

to

seen

in fact old Clooty himself,had

forky tail,
chimney. Others said that unwholesome
pitchand brimstone, had reeked forth from

thing,through door and window.

to her dying day and
persisted,
aye, even

ever,
Creel Kate, how-

the abominable

the

Crab

recovered

that
hae

was

dune

ain douce

was

as

sweet

her old husband

Crab
out

of

as

ever

very

was

on

her deathbed, that

supped

poor low way,

Deil in the Dub

on

and

that
"

"

adding,

it

And

wad
of Darkness
thing,ye ken, the Deil a
Christian body, as my
for siccan a gude man,
and kirk-going

Davie."

318

THE

The

Admiral

Come

"

"

So this

all

morn

"

to

strike."

not

Life

"

of

Nelson.

noise !

there''snothingto

see

most

Palmam

audacious

qui meruit

in the midst

of

jeerat,
boys !

ferat ! "

of the

Psalm,

Miss

leer at.
Siffkins's school you must
complained of Sir ! hold out your patm,-

You're
There

soon

Marsh,
!

MOTTO.

compelledthem

! silence in School
shall

Master

The

FERAT.

SCHOOLMASTER'S

Hush
You

MKUUIT

QUI

PALiMAM

"

"

"

Palmam

qui meruit

ferat I

"

You

wilful young rebel,and dunce !

This offence all your sins shall appear
You
Theie

You
And
But
There

shall have
!

""

"

are

backward,

pronouns
youVe forward
your
!
"

good

Palmam

"

Palmam

caningat

once

at.
"

qui meruit ferat !

you
you

"

know, in each verb,

are

not

clear at.

more

enough to disturb,
"

qui meruit

ferat !

"

schoolmaster's

THE

the orchard he

When

"

There
You

make

And

this

And

you
!

There

"

had

you

offence I

his
are

"

There !
You

made

have

off from

run

Come,

"

plotin

the

hand, now.

Palmam

"

ferat !"

night.

the school that you

other

your

There !

too

Rous,

young

qui meruit

Palmam

"

at !

always severe

am

"

my
ferat !"

qui meruit

pitchtfightwith

at,

ear

Pe^s

discredit to Cicero-House

You

To

likewise distress,

you

Palmam

"

ferat !"

qui meruit

always his hair,or

Opt^ Sir,and you

He's my

An

"

"

Palmam

"

are

Then

ferat !

Taylor your butt,

his
face you threw beer at,
morning
do you like a cut ?
struck him

Little Biddle

There

"

qui meruit

Master

"

You

at,

near

fingers thumbs,
or

Palmam

"

was

never

punishwrong

ril not

plumbs,

the

Tvviggstole

said Master

You

319

MOTTO.

at !

rear

the

Sir,
"

right,

"

quimeruit

ferat !

I'llteach you to draw, you young dog !

I'm looking
here at !
Such pictures
as
"

Old

There

"

"

!
"

You

have

That

in

run

but

There

"

at dinner

the soup

I have

There

bill at

twopence
Palmam

"

Then

up

payingyou'llbe

You've

And

making soup of a frog,"

Palmam
qui meruit ferat !

Mounseer

you
"

"

Palmam

"

T'other

day

shop,

whole

week.

qui meruit

at,"

year

Sir,to

stop !

ferat !"

you'requitecock-a-hoop,

sippedit
!

when

are

certain to

it's very

at"

sneer

good soup,

"

qui meruit ferat !"

I fello'er the

form,

"Was my tumble
a thing,
Sir,to cheer at ?
"Well for you that my temper'snot warm,
There ! " Palmam
qui meruit ferat !"
"

"

Why,
All my
There
There

rascal ! you insolent brat !

talking
you don't shed a tear at.

you

take

"

!
"

"

that,Sir

Palmam

! and

that ! that ! and that !

qui meruit

ferat !"

320

MliGUiDKD

Is

Blackamoor

is utter

turned

dark; his

BLIND

MAN

outside in.

His

like

are

eyes

mock-painted windows

MAN.

since the

shotten
tax

upon

but his lining

fair,
like
or
jellies;
stars, mere

skin

is

"

daylight:

what

his mind's

be, is yet a mystery with the learned,or if he hath a mental

capacityat all for," out of sightis out of mind."
Wherever
he stands,he is antipodean,
with his midnight to your
eye

can

"

The

noon.

sunshine
brightest

object;

like

is like

Venetian

in his tone.
whereof

at for

wall

With

the berries

at

are

"

on
playing,
ante-sight,

his two

his

an

gloomier

he

temned,
paintershe is only conmarvelled
by musicians

invisible fiddle.

orbs,like

blank

he
religion

palpable.

the

He

stands

a
against

howbeit but
figurein high relief,
fessedly
gettingpence, yet he is con-

; and though he is fond of

interest.
to his own

relieved
blind

him

make

When

in his eyes ;
amongst
for his ignorance
of clare-obscure ; but

with

seldom

In

dark

kettle tied

human

only to

serves

it
stirs,
generalillumination.
blind,beingpulledup and down by a string
; he is a
tin twang
and with much
of the same
to a dog's
tail,
of solanum, or night-shade,
botanists he is a species
house

is

materialist,
puttingno

faith but

in

things

politics, visionary; in his learninga smatterer, his

of all beingsuperficial
a
child,being yet in
; in his age

In

knowledge
leading-strings
; in

no

his lifeimmortal,for death may

lengthenhis night,

322

SUPERSTITION.

SUPPER

THE

When

VII.
'"

look

give a

Just
The

tells

placeit

very

Clay bottom,

They

there
have

We

are

we

last

at

pug
Kate's

parrot too, and

oh,

spiritcannot

my

In

At

rest.

sod.

Jones's

Davy

appear'd

to

Don't

to

and

!"

cat

his

they wept

"

cried, Alack, alack

fate.

last up started brother Jim,

Let's try if Jack was
Jack I"

said,

and

"

that 'ere Cod

on

sup

you

used

XIV.

Spiritfled

"

Till I've

dog

all.
And

But

they

Jim,
The

"

eat.

never

pat.

smell

the

Just try the

for brother

I had

The

call

know

to

smell,

aloft,'

till hands
'

would

I used

brutes

They'll

VIII.

Well

XIII.

"Don'teatwhatbrutes
The

"

briny grave.
like imps

blood

my

deep,
shells.

with

mix'd

in my

was

suck'd

fathom

twelve

it says

I think

Norey's chart.

in

call d

They

the

Dog, they

call'd the

Cat,
X.
"

live

You
What

Last

land, and little think

on

in the

passes

Sunday week,

That

Cod

was

sea

at

And

;
p.

pickingme

They put

corpse

my

Instead

of

only

so

plump.

But

in many

And

not

do

eat
not

Tray

lick'd all the oysters up,

stood at crimps.
the

munch'd

one.

those
touch

and sauce.
do.

never

Quite feasted

Cod,"
on

the

and

littleKit

shrimps !

XVII.

thing

was

shrimps

FHIINDS

AWAITING

minus

Cod

like posts
they
sauce,
of hoax.
fear
for
O, prudent folks,
belief in Ghosts !
Put
no

oysters then.
the

odd, and
stood

And

XII.

O, do

would

shells,
The

**

brutes

nicelydone,

so

see

Puss

oysters too, that look

seem

what

too.
the Cod

m.

Old

And

they put

down
To

XI.

"Those

little Kitten

And

SAILOR's

KKTURN.

323

THE

feedingof
of

good fortune

my

not
observation,the reptile

dinner-hour

and

Sir W.

"

rather

considerable interval

very

knows, between Gorge

Third,and Gorge the Fourth.
victim,

at
a

"

the

prey
livingWhite

piteously
throughone
line in Hamlet

him
were

in

had

Rabbit

"

not

in time

with

who

and
folds,

of the

to see

the world

Gorge the
the serpent's
;

herself round

her

largedark eye gazed

that
most
eloquently

looked

could

I shuffle off this mortal

evidentlyonly embraced him in

just firmlyenough to prevent
manner,
gluedon his,in a close Judas' kiss."

coil !
a

both
position,
on, that I

swallowing;

as

marble-still

began
really

as

to doubt

and to associate the

hoax

"

kill-him-when-I-want-

an

"

this

Second

alreadytwisted

Snake

Leaches
in

she

as
intervenes,

the

Gorge

was

the

"

"

The

witness

occurrence, and difficult

for the regularity
of its

rare

beingremarkable

the First,and

first dart

Scott.

to
Charing Cross's,

once, at

Constrictor

the Boa

MEAL.

ye."

ye, twine

Twist

was

AFTER

SNAKE-SNACK.

It

BOA

escape
So

long

"

^but her

time

lips
elapsed,

with his
poor
the tale of the Boa's ability
old Laocoon

before

me,

with that of the

fact,might have gone

Conjuror. The head
which the
and the throat,down
into a wine-glass,
without difficulty
all
than
thicker
not at
rabbit was
to proceedwhole,seemed
my thumb.
and the
In short,I thoughtthe reportedcram
was
nothingbut stuff,
'ere
If
that
little
onlyother visitor declared himself of my opinion:
both !" and he seemed
wiper swallows up the rabbit,Til bolt um
of what Political
capableof the feat. He looked like a personification
Bottle

of the

snake, in

"

y2

324

SNAKE-SNACK.

Economists

Public

call the

Gentleman,

Consumer

GeofireyCrayon'sStout
Microscope;a genuine

or,

Solar
Carpenter's

through

seen

and trimmings,
of legsof mutton
of your devourers
and the dread of ordinaries.
of eating-houses,
for wagers ; the delight
between
of mummy,
his
mountain
and
The
contrast was
whimsical,
of the Snake,the reputed Glutton.
the slim Macaroiii figure
However,

Edax

Rerum

Boa

the

began

last to

at

Rabbit

of the

muzzle
in

one

for the

prepare

meal, by

slimy tongue, and

her

with

the
lubricating

then

commenced

earnest,
As

far

The

tedious

was

process

as

in her

lay to

stranger dying with

"

fair

apparent, from
graduallybecame
body might eventuallybe "lost

in,
skin.

"

makes

swallow

one

"

take him
so

the fate of

summer

but it

"

the

head, that the whole

Serpentine." The Reptile,
of
the
rest
for
the
interment
made
ready
by an operationrather
indeed,
On
horrible.
a
observed,as a sailor
sudden, the livingcable was
and
haul
in
her
with
to
would say,
a squeeze
slack,
evincingtremendous
that
muscular
body into a compass
power, she reduced the whole
It
like
smash in
was
would follow the head with perfect
a regular
ease.
in

the

and
the wily
completelybroken
payingherself in full. It was a
winder-up of his affairsrecommenced
for
the
As
Stout Gentleman, he could not
and
sickening.
sorry sight
control his agitation. His eyes rolled and watered ; his jaws constantly
and
with
his hands
convulsive
a
yawned like a panther's;

business

the

"

movement

himself

whole

rabbit

expectedto be

ascertain the true

and

after

Hotel, and
to

overheard
both

swallow

hunger
"

"

but

Here

THE

"

GREAT

his stomach
could

menagerie as

and

waiter 1
"

SRRCKNT

"

but

restrain

if he

really

Anxious

to
engagement.
impulse,I hurried in pursuitof him,
I

his familiar voice

SEA

on

snake, he

in
the

of

sharp chase,

Snake
!

out

then

to fulfil his rash

of the

nature

short

and

smothered

was

called upon

"

now

rushed

and
longer,

no

was

clasped every

were

the

when

rabbit

poor

Snack

Quick

DISCOVERED

"

!
"

"

dash

him

saw

the

into the British

that had

promised
bellowingout, gutturalwith
same

Rabbits

EROU

THE

in onions for two

UAST-HEAni

!**

325

ABRIDGMENT

AN

THAT

UNKNOWN.

August

Hastingsevery
that "greenestspot on
Hastings,
With
crowds of idlers willing
or
To be bedipped be noticed
or
And
all thingsrose
in
a penny
a
"

"

Meanwhile,
"

window

Accommodation
"

Gladding
Each

bills

pour d in
Flyingfrom London
And

Lacemen
And
A

Misses
wed

new-

and

"

And
So

shilling.

door,in haste
kept coming down.
and

from

coach-fulls of

new

smoke

and

hoping to

both

sexes,

morning'sreadingby

dust

make

town.

cits.

new

annoying.

hits,

much

enjoying

the ocean's rim.

in the
delighting

sect

braced.

couplesfresh from Tunbridgetoying.

placemen,ministers and wits,

quakers of

That

be

was

of letters" in that

the world

day

Unmarried

fillingmemory's waste !"

unwilling

day

"

from

MAN.

IN

HASTINGS,

LITTLE

THE

PLEASANT

IS

AT

STORM
AND

TwAS

ALL

OF

sea's broad

brim.

lo !

amongst all these appear'da creature,

small,he almost might a twin have been

With

Miss

Yet

well

His

face

Crachami

dwarfish

"

quitein stature,

proportionedneither fat nor lean.

of marvellously
feature,
pleasant

So short and

"

sweet

man

was

never

seen

"

326

STORM

AT

HASTINGS.

thoughthim charmingat
Alas, ere longthey found him
All

in love with

seem'd

He

His ardent
The
He

of

and

staked

and

"

and

"

and

won

and

Small

staked

that vile

gamblersnatch'd and how he

livingPam, omnipotent at loo,!

too

"

TIDE-WAITER.

her heart upon

Wigginsset

them

won

"

Miss

the bile

"

maid.

many

how

repaid

smile,
a
shade,

good luck, without

won

winning!
chance

her fondest

It stirr''d
of many
a man
To see at every venture
A

"

far too

chance

passionwith

sunshine

the firstbeginning

box,

'Twas handsome, rosewood,and inlaid with brass.

And
Of

three times she

dreamt

and
needles,silks,

She lost it wide

Was
To

lucky
"

that small

Sir Stamford

And

so

wondrous

That

haunted

Of

but she

imp

rode,and

and

the curious

the Parade.
that small

notoriety
by

Pacingit up and
Of duckinghim
"

down
when

Cox

lost his Rafiles to him

have

topicof

thoughtMiss

three caddies pass

luck could loo him !
living

no

"

"

"

stocks

but alas !

"

We

saw

would

he climb'd

The

cottons

awake.

gamish'dit with

"

Many

won

"

and

swarm
were

balk'd

form
some

lo !

even

talk'd

dismal storm

walk'd,

Stepp'din
And

head

every

the close of
another

tum'd

was

Of the horizon

fann'd

"

day
"

way

"

seem'd

Watching the granderguest. It

Bulky and slow upon the southern
So black and

327

HASTINGS.

Friday,at

one

"

AT

STORM

to rise

brink

by sultrysighs
"

think

I cannot
threatening,

Of any simile,except the skies

Miss Wiggins sometime
shades in Indian
Mm

blotches of such

shapen

They
As

seem

deal

for the sea, it did not

And

beach ;
stony-hearted
always rampant, in that

Whereas

the

Like

when
schoolboys,

Who

meekly
a

Some

love to draw

quietawe

idle

have

"

all their faces.

on

the

with

ocean

"and
table-beer,

troubled

on

fashion,
in,subdued and grave,
the master's in a passion,
and take their places,

settle in

With

Like

dash

roU'd

waves

very

so

bards would

some

"

vapour,

rave,

to tatters,and

tear its waves

"

her paper.

fret,and

The
It

heavy

solid than

more

ink

head,
it bounce,

make

fling, but this,I've said,

flounce ;
Surged in scarce rougherthan a lady's
But then, a grandercontrast thus it bred
With
the wild welkin,seemingto pronounce
And

froth,and

roar, and

"

"

As

would

one

Who

whisper that

justbeginsto

roar

so

"

the hoarse thunder

"

stillit mutterM

But
Such

continued

It did not
Whilst

hardlycared

But

watch'd

Much
Must

as

the

watch

Meantime

to wed

two

the

breath,
sultryweather,

words

together,

surlyadvent of the storm,

brown-cheek'd
plantersof Barbadoes
a

of
rising

the

Negro

swarm

it steerM,like Odin's old

"

follyceased"
home

wonder

us

the

Right on our coast ;

Many proud gaitswere
Went

made

pantingwith

were

beneath

sea

oft to take its

more

pause

we

to the

peal,as

And

Of

"

note of death,
a prelude
long but low
it
if the stifling
clouds yet kept
under,

Growl'd
As

in the serious ear,

a lion s near

awful

Somethingmore

to

and
cover

"

Armadas,

dismal,coal-black

quell'dand
"

form ;

"

all bravadoes

sundry idle jokers

up

their tongs and

pokers.

328

STORM

HASTINGS.

AT

In all their days

flashed.
lightning
had
such flashing,
not
seen
smugglers

So fierce the
The
And

To

oldest

"

they are used to many

keep their Hollands from
hostile cutters in

With
And

our

could think

trulyone

The

fancy,that

And

black,

and

their

"

sundry

blow,

that

very

In their
The

boat)

same

cry

And

Hope

oft

realms,the

seamen

own

the storm, with

all usurp'dthe azure

Making
And

of

drops
"

crew

their

calling
"

knew

they

as

get mauling
a

wiselydrew
the beach,
billows' reach.

its despotic
power
of the

daylightdarker
few

some

and

hauling

more

and

"

godsthemselves

our

been in actions.

peculiarto

the

now

Had

"

cow'd,

not

another

"

Neptune rather higheron

he mightlie beyond his

That

cloud

hand

fractions

were

some

"

the head

heavingup

The

"

quickyeo's.
pullingup the Rose

were

"

Recentby

Were

unlawful.

boatmen, that with

(No flower,but
With

lashing
awful

attractions,

near

crooked

Lest it should

The

much

own

lightning
througha

some
Began
very
few
remain
d that
some
Only
A few rough sailors,
who had

And

"

all the fair crowd

"

to make

clashing

bays :

clouds so
coasting
with
as
spirits
fraught

gay Parade grew thin

if they knew
Vanish'd
as
the

awkward

without

The

now

an

creeks

those

were

For

pretty blaze,

an

skies,
hour,
by
an

size

unusual

"

scarce
twenty to the shower,
from a Giant's eyes
Fell like huge tear-drops
thicken'd in a trice
But then this sprinkle

Few

distinct
"

"

And

Oh

rain'd much

Grandly,and

make

When

we

Whilst

bigas

gusty organs
in music

score

us

"

composed and low,

seem'd

by this Hailstone Chorus

rumbled, with its awful sound,

comfits roU'd

bullets

crazy tiles:

"

"

alongthe ground

Lord
And

blow

handled

were

thunder

frozen

the

rich storm

ev'n his music

But

Our

good solid ice.

would

Handel

As

in

"

very storm of words to show

this fierce crash of hail came
rushingo'er us

! for

How

And

harder

now

"

! how

the

they

did batter

flash'd
lightning

330

Or

with

STORM

linens made

coarse

wind

resolved

house

No

but
green-house

was

J5oM7- windows
No

in

sex

On

each

to the

and

panes,

that had

whole

the

southern

bore
bell-gla"ses

swam
side,you
parlours; Mrs. Snell
slopp'dout of her seat, and Mr.

Was

stillthe

The

recent

sea

into

violence.

Each

"

calm,

galenext

There

was

Before
To

his weather
the

Hitch in

hinted
and

his

speech

when

better far
(itwere
water
then,but waiter^
is serving
at the bar)
"

swell

"

SEE

saw

never

FROM

OCEAN

one

bears
raggedroaring

greater!

RISING.

Black,jaggedbillows rearing
up
Tjike

aira'd

seaman

by

beach

"

For then the tide

a

framed,
hollow

"

high water

such

Kitchen.

morning
morningbroke,
quiteequalto bespoke."
gale

christen it not

Rose

eye the

and
"

punt

after each

a gentle
murmur
gentlewaves
like
Tapping,
Woodpeckers,the

Howbeit

dwell

mild, and quitedisclaimed

was

The

Across

"

"

wash'd
ajlow'r-gsirden

But

brunt,
a

"

Had

"

"

those who

might have

of their

In any

front,

befell ;

the

For

spared!

glasswas

hill

"

candles out.

mishap

same

good,
panes,

in doubt

blowingthe

"

No

the fractions

in all the wounded

Stanchingthe wind
Or, holdingcandles
The

HASTINGS.

AT

in

war

againstthe

baiter,

With

lots of froth upon

Like

No

the

morn

fine

beachyhead.

fare,

trips,
seven-shilling

on

No

shingleshed,
a

to

open

331

HASTIiNGS.

with

pour'd out

stout

open boat was

launched that

Or

AT

STORM

waded

would
dare
none
bathingwoman
their dips,
A dippingin the wave
but waived
No seagull
ventured
the stormy air,
on
And
all the drearycoast was
clear of ships;
"

"

For

two

lea shores upon

Are

not

perilousas

so

Awe-struck
Before
A

of mix'd

boilingocean

saw

like

and

green,

last

sometimes

hank

Right

"

seaweed

knee, sometimes

dead

was

batter d

However

by

without

"

snatch'd up

we

chance

after

Then

Curiosity
began

'Twas
And
We

he that
in his

found

bond

His

of

the

corse

of

perjury,

thus

All

it,

of the Small

had

of the surf had

fob,the
a

groan,
her fit ;

with

contract

Unknown

"

monopolies,
signedMephistophiles!
the

blood,whereby

of

dice,
"

jugglingDemon,

Seized the last cast

"

this surfeit !

of late

cause

forfeit soul to Satan

throws

thrown,

turf

in

sinner

gave

reversion.

Providingin this world he was to have

A lordship
over
luck,by whose exertion
He might control the course
of cards,and
The

"

ventingPity'ssighand

lo ! the features

And

"

swear

all surgery

to sod and
Intending,Christian-like,

And

bare

was

could

one

beyond

the surge

of hair

he threw

shingles.Any

the

back

view,

to

rose

summerset
frightful

on

lad

"

dabbled
a

a-skimming.
swimming
littleshoe-

skirt

Sometimes

curly!

a
a

and

sometimes

Sometimes
Just like

white

"

last attempt at

hand

And

black

first or

The

"

pair of little arms

Sometimes

At

hurly-burly,

of water,

Alps
rolling

Much

scene

"

When

We

the

gazed upon

of copper
colour,grim and surly,
lo,in that vast hollow scoop'dbetween

sky

Two

horrid

river Lea

at sea.

one

sat, and

we

in such

us

the

but

on

sea

in his usual

and

Nick'd

brave

excursion

vein,
him

in the main

332

PKK.Y.

ITS

KETCHING

LINES
TO

Go

ON

LADY

the

where

waves

tempests make
Almost
as roughas

And

rather

run
a

A
Go

the mild

where
wine

more

pass

the

Madeira

Making
Go

where

think

of

me

ripensher juice,
"

praisedthan it deserves to be !
Cape,justcapableof ver-juice,

the

where

sea,

rough Piccadilly,

our

And

Go

Holbom-hilly,

soda-water

And

Go

INDIA.

FOR

DEPARTURE

HER

Tigerin

the darkness

midnightmeal
the Lion

think of

in his

of he and

me

prowleth,
she ;

hunger howleth.
And

think of

me

Or

the serpent dangerously

coileth,
lies alongat full lengthlike a tree.

Go

where

Go

where

the Suttee in her

own

And

soot

broileth,

think of

me

333

LINES.

human

with

where

Go

like

And

tongue as free,
all she can
revealeth,

woman,

And

to the

Go

Go

to

and

of muslin

land

and

of slaves

the land

think

of

land

the

to

tall bamboos

And
Go

think

where

where

Where

on

for wedlock

think

where

to Calcutta's

goes for mart, the

Go

to

80W-WE8TER

is very

sun

the land

Where

the

of

pagod

black

every

OFF

THE

of

and

goes,

quay,

same

think

hot and

me

marriageplan

And

Go

me

musquito is a worrier.

the maiden

woman

of

must

the fierce

ConsignM

thee !

Castles,

think

And

where

hills,

always be a currier,
pepperM palatelike a pea,

cook

parch the

And

me

bamboozle

none

And

Go

of

of vast

their Elephants and

upon

gaze

^may

be,

palankeening,

Jungles and
"

me

nankeening,

And

Go

of

hats should

where

parasolsof straw

And

Go

dealeth

with
mono-jt?o%-logue

In

Go

Parrot

the

notes

as

of

mangoes,
!

me

fervent,

rupee.

will be your slave and

think of me
And

CAPK

:"

PIGS

IN

THE

TKOl'GH

servant,
!

OF

THE

6EA.

334

THE
Thiiihere,your honour, upon

NELSON.

wheels,is the

true

genuinereal Nelson'' s

Guide

"

dickey of the

the

on

the
sea-horses,

guard into
one

the box,

on

"

the

"

Nelson."

up, and

I climbed
all

Now, clapon

wheelers

into

and
Neptunus, brandishinga trident,

blowing his wreathed

so

My fancy instantly

the leaders and

first-rate,

driver into

Triton

vehicle

into

the coach

converted

"

Car.

Hospital.

I read that illustriousname

to myself,as
Nelson,"I repeated

The

Grkenwich

to

shell.

took

said
sail,"

There

"

I, audibly,

for

room

man.
beside the coach-

seat

my

was

the

am

proud to

be

greatNelson, the hero of Aboukir."

Beggingyour pardon,"Sir,said the coachman, the Hero anH a
other yard." Gracious
booker at Mrs. Nelson s : it goes from some
of the

one

of the

crew

"

"

! what

powers

the slaves of

are

*'

I
name

but

as

of Mrs.
for

"

Nelson

Too

mean

is down

Bull,indeed,"I

Jack."

civilly,whether
"

very

Slave Associations

the

to

or

Bunce, he's been oflFthe Union

Bar^ Sir (here he tippedme the

Jack

fond of the

"

"

teemed

identified itselfwith the Union

of winks), to keep his seat on

significant
I alluded,
good fellow,to Nelson,
my
"

mine, it

"

"

world

for

if it had rolled down

I have made

say,"repliedthe coachman,

Jack,if you

six months.

as
stupefied

As

but
Aldgateoccurred to my memory
;
I continued,addressing
the coachman,
association,"

of Nelson

name

reallycan

the

and

idea !

an

the noted inn at

exclaimed,as
and the

stairs for

the Monument.

at
flight

the whole

"

down

its head, as stunned

pitchedon

we

tumble

^the dauntless leader when

yard was

not

these
most

the Bench"

the wonder

of the maritime

opposedto yard,and

seas

with blood."

We're all

said the coachman, after a

right as rightas a trivet,"
rather wide
I thoughtour notions were
getting
;
pause of perplexity
what
puttingstraight
; but I see
apart,and that one of us wanted
and quitego alongwith your opinion,
step for step. To be
you mean,
has done the world and all for coaching
; and the
sure, Mrs. Nelson
"Wonder is the crack of all the dragsin London, and so is the Dauntless,
like. And as
let yard turn out aginyard,as you
say, any day you
of
full of blood,there's as pretty a sprinkling
for leaders,
and teams
of
blood in the tits I'm now
tooling
of the animals,
and the appearance
The vehicles of the proprietress,
have
often
said
their
with
gratified
my
corresponding
caparisons," I,
visual organs and elicited my mental plaudits."
That's exactlywhat / says,"repliedthe coachman, very briskly,
You
about Mrs. Nelson.
there'sno humbug nor no nonsense
never
with
o'
front
the
in
and
a
her a standing
Bank,
see
fretting
a-foaming
round her, and lookingas if she'd bolt with the Quickmob
silver.
regular
wherever
all
her
her
And
body,
see
painted over
you never
"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

there's

room

Bears,from

for

'em,with

Saracen

her roller bolts to her

Heads

and Blue

dickeyand

hind

Boars, and Brown

boot.

She's

plain

335

NELSON.

THE

neat, and nothin else and is fondest

claret colour,pick'dout with white, and won't
and

"

except

on

the

back

not

how

I know
if

gone,

might

giving
regardto
me

"

had

proof

that

Lonnon

gone

give her
Mr.

her

"

Stevens," said
box

the

in the

"

for he
was

had
a

been

tacitly
with
first-rate,

"if

"

the

please, Mr.

you

lightcart

and

"

panting damsel, holding up

will

you

Stevens, mothers
be

kind

so

as

to

sly

linchpin."
the article with

took

Stevens

of the hand

squeeze
"
If such

where,

no

travelling.

something towards
to

of

description
might have
with
all her
lass,running
screaming retainer to the

of his Nelson

craft

the

please,Mr.

If you

suffer the Bull

he pulled
difl"culty
up,

some

of

addressed

not

With

its rate

body

the whimsical

further

much

main,

coachman.

her

having

-gammon-board."

capless,curly-headed
strapping,

and

of

had

smile,and

I fancied

with

it.

delivered

that

one's but

mother's,Fanny," he
I should have
was
The
somebody in love."
slylyremarked,
of
allow
further
to
timed
too strictly
parley ; the horses
Dispatch was
in
into
rather
a
gallop, pursuit of the mother of
broke, or were
broken,
the pin secretly
Fanny, the Flower of Waltham
actingas a spur,
; and
a

go

been

any

did

we

In

spite,however,
speed,

Mrs.

tillwe

arrived
we

of

cup
if

at the

found
ale ;

her

linchpinshad

her, as if it had

to

of her

out
"

as
"

and

only a pin

our

his seat

thing for

on

coachman,
the box,

There's
She

Bull.

She

handed

was

the
to

come

may

ning
pin-

no

sets her face

againstevery thing but

boxes.

light

as

one

say

that's this.
at the

vented
in-

been

made

it

sound

and

been

Nelson,"said

he resumed

cart

gown

"Well,I must

Mrs.

her

never

fact,she
when
article,

the

usual
un-

Basing-House,
chirpingover

safe

as

patent
a

away
runFANCY

with

ribbons
but

"

middle
well
of

"

or

bolter

make

you'll never
of the

minutes.

overtook

and

; in

of

this

of

never

Merryweather

where

as

we

something like twenty

in

five miles

the next

your

said it

"

or

"

drop

mistake
see

road, with

because
distributed,
her pins."

Mrs.

in

PORTRAIT

the

MRS.

a
clearing
gate,by being a
Nelson
laying flat on her

her insides gone to

she's been let go out

smash,
of the

NELSON.

little lushy
side in the
outsides

and

her

yard

without
,

one

336

THE

STAMP

DUTY

ON

SCOTCH

LINEN.

SONNET

TO

SCOTCH

Well

GIRL,

done

WASHING

and

LINEN

HER

AFTER

FASHION.

COUNTRY

wetly,tliou Fair Maid of Perth

a
washing picturewell deserving
of Washington Irving:
pencilling
.

Thou
The

mak'st
and

pen

Like

drippingNaiad, pearly from her birth,

Dashing about the water of the Firth,
To

cleanse the calico of Mrs.

And
As
Yet

were

what

is

I do not

But

while

Of

thy dance
nothing else than

never

there

Skirving,
of duty swerving

from

thy

to

mean

thou

washer,

reward

give thee

wearer,

Bodkin

on

earth !

do

not

start !

damper,

new

fillestthis industrious

would

part

mangier,presser, stamper,

Deservingbetter character
What

Nay,

dirt

"

but

thou
call

"

art
"

common

tramper.

338

SONNET

domestic

own

would
compare

throw

myself

have had

favourite actor

and

your mercy,
leave my warm

me

on

it consist with

would

"

myself with

sort of gap my

to hint what

or
virtues,
society still less

in

SEAMAN.

DECAYED

social

or

make

TO

^but

"

ask,in

as

common

bed, to shiver in

mere

But

was

"

there is

to

beingI

amusement
at

all

"

of

simply

in the Bill ?"

down

littleButcherling,
or
Butcher, or Butcheress,

such

no

modesty

human

would you
charity,
s damp sheets,
printer

perhaps,and for the mere

at the risk of my
reputation
half hour, or more
probablyfor no amusement
some
because I

loss

the instalment of
amongst you ; and by your good leave and patience,
that is over
due, shall be paid with interest in the
my Reminiscences
NUMBER.

NEXT

SONNET
Hail

OF

HIS

PROFESSION.

DECAYED
down

SEAMAN.

Hail,Top and Lop

in my
notion,
!

mistaken

Tar, before
stirring

so

thrown

Thou

TO

I'm much

wast

Became

Now,

TOP

cut
seventy-four

Unless
Thou

THE

that

fatal to
on

hop

thy locomotion ;
shore,like a mere weed
"

readest still to

of ocean.

lesson

good,
King and Countryshowingthy devotion.
By kneelingthus upon a stump of wood !
Stillis thy spirit
strongas alcohol ;
Spiteof that limb,begotof acorn- egg,
men

To

"

Methinks,
"

virtue

thou Naval

Historyin

For unlike others that desert their

Thou

one

e'en in that timber

shines,

walkest

ever

with

thy

"

Vol.^

leg,

Poll,

Constant

Peg

"

339

THE

GREAT

CONFLAGRATION.

Destruction
Dreadful Fire
of both Houses of Parliament"
SpeakersHouse putted Reportsof Incendiarism.

The

"

"

It is our

Commons,

unexpectedlot

that the Houses

to announce

threatened

often

so

with

of Lords
in

combustion, are

and
of

state

actual
"We
the

the

ignition.At this moment, both fabrics are furiouslyburning.

are
writingthis paragraphwithout the aid of lamp or candles ; by
reflection of the flames.
of
mere
Nothing is known of the origin
is
it
fire,
although throwinga lightupon every thingelse. Evening
"

Star.
The

devouringelement

which

destroyedCovent

Garden

and

Drury

Lane, the Royaltyand the Pantheon, has made its appearance

on
a
new
stage,equallydevoted to declamatoryelocution. St. Stephen's
Chapel is in flames ! The floor which was trodden by the eloquent
legsof a Fox, a Burke, a Pitt,and a Sheridan,is reduced to a heap of
ashes ; and

the

Wyndham,

The

benches

"Whitbread,and

House

that

roof

very

noddingto its fall.

of the

which

the

In

sustained the Demosthenic

Wilberforce,

are

re-echoed

weightof

Canning is
possession

classicalitiesof

the

of charcoal.

mass

mere

Fire is in
Parliamentary
language,

Destructive

vative
is on
its legs,
and the Conserspirit
Post.
a
can
principle
opposition.Dail^
The blow is struck.
have long foreseen has come
What
to pass.
we
Incendiarism
!
The
British
whole
Empire, as represented
triumphs
:

ofiferbut

feeble

"

is in a blaze ! The Throne, the Lords, and the

by the three estates,
of
Commons, are now
burning. The cycleis complete. The spirit

Guy Fawkes revives in 1834 !

to have
England seems
changedplaceswith Italy;London with
stand
We
Naples.
hourly on the brink of a crater ; every step we
take is on a solfaterra ^not a land of Sol Fa, as some
musicalpeople
"

would

translate

it; but

ardent brimstone

ask,could

must

we

of the

sense

At

frail crust, with

lengththe eyes of our
a

nothingshort of such

state
perilous

an

rulers

are

subsoil of

opened;
them

eruptionawaken

country ?

of the

treacherous

For

past,at the risk of

weeks,

but
to

months

nay,

tion
have called the atten-

we
beingconsidered alarmists,
of suspicious
and
to
a
variety
legislature magistracy
toms
sympand signs
in
the
chemical
of the times,and
to
multiplied
particular
for the purpose
of obtaining
instantaneous lights.Well
inventions,

of the

are

certain matches

appliedto

the most

raise the shadow

of the

of

Houses

doubt
us

not

it contained

ignite.Britannic
"

fire-boxes called

diabolical purposes

question. Tell

woman's, and
The

or

so

for they
Lucifers,

The

originof the

may

fire cannot

in any reasonable mind.

Accident
have justtried our
of tallies. We
much

be

water, that nothingcould

is out
milkmake

it

Guardian.

of Parliament

are

in flames.
z

We

shall stop the press to

340

CONFLACiJlATION.

GREAT

THE

Our reportersare at the spot,and Mons. C

full particulars.
i(ive
of
the celebrated Salamander, is engaged to give a description
for this journal. Daily Times.
interiof^s^
exclusively
blazing

the

"

From

Correspondent.

I was
struck by the
o'clock,
Thursday evening,towards seven
the oppositechimneys with
silvering
singular
appearance of the moon
lunar
I conceived belonged
which
blood-red
a
phenomenon,
a
light,
occurred to me
that there must
be a
only to our theatres. It speedily
and
little
after
in
a
conflagrationmy vicinity,
huntingby scent as well
in
Houses
front
of Lords and Commons,
of
the
found
I
myself
as sight,
a
nd
that I make
bold to
which w^ere
burningwith a rapidity brilliancy
their
characterise
favour
of my
not
did
always
By
proceedings.
say
seemed
to identify
with the firemen,I
natural assurance, which
me
of
the
lines
allowed
to
who
was
guardsand policemen,
pass through
and was
thus enabled to select a favourable
surrounded the blazing
pile,
the
whole
It was
for overlooking
scene.
an
imposingsight.
position
On

The

flames

Book,

Red

Hall reminded

of
vividly

me

familiar in

volume, as

of Commons

red

as

not

was

our

the

of

London

cry,

**

Hall

the

dinary
Extraor-

hand
at all behindWestminster

hot. Hall hot,"that

hood
child-

the Gothic

and

"

the House

and

of timber and other combustibles.

votingsupplies

in

was

the Peers' in

from

rose

chitecture
ar-

Abbey

unusually florid.

seemed
Instead

of

venerable

dingy stone, the

pileappeared to

built of the well-baked

be

brick of the Elizabethan

Indeed,so
that
aspect,

red-hot

age.
its

was

itled to

crous
ludi-

misapprehensionon
populace.A
bearingseveral
procession,
in a
male and female figures
the part of the

of

state

rally
natuinsensibility,

rise to the most

gave

ring
inferpainfulconjectures,
life

loss of human

by

devouringelement, but

the

I have

the

Dean

only
Chapter savingthe

was

it

to believe

reason

and
WaxPLAYING

Work.

As

observation

far

the

my

mean

Hall, but

to General

Monk.

time

select

not

HAZARD.

AT

own

went, the first objectcarried out

resemblance
In the

as

without

some

party had

bore
certainly

eA'ccted

an

entrance

strong

into the

I believe,
serious delay, occasioned,
by

GREAT

THE

soraebodywithin bringingthe
However,

last

at

facetiously,
put
for

is

man

no

First

came

Gent,

this,because

some

and
engines,

have

of the

that the firemen

station

St.

all

noble

play in

confusion

was

without

any

making motions

Rejected Addresses ;
was
sadlyhampered.

he

Mr.

Morrison, and

arrived

next

insisted

noble Lord

from

in takinga hand, and

persisted
played too high. I mention

imputed mismanagement to the

pipeswanted organising
; indeed,
the Academy of Music lamenting

concert."

applieswith greaterforce

Stephen s Chapel.

and

that the

to the

confounded,and

worse

with

enviable,
compared

was

the

But

their

agreedthat he

director of

"

of

be

journalshave

did not

remark

Here

said to

insinuated

myself overheard
same

duty.

department; and
wouldn't
sit out, but

playing,
thoughevery body

The

his

Hose

who
Crockford's,

the authors

by

alive to

Hon.

one

tea-caddy.
example. The
Higginbottom,so unfairly,but

I followed

the veteran

was

death

to

more

the
directing

on

key,that belongedto

wrong

they entered,and

I beheld

first person

341

CONFLAGRATION.

that of

some

considerable number

attention to their usual

House

of Commons.

Higginbottom's

of the poor fellows in

of members
had arrived,

rules,were
parliamentary

all

The most prominent,

nobody seconded.
I was
Mr.
informed,were
Hume, Mr. O'Connell,Mr. Attwood, Mr.
the latter
Buckingham, Mr. Pease, Sir Andrew, and Mr. Buxton
The
almost covered with blacks.
and I really
clamour
was
terrific,
would
be torn in
foremen
who
held the pipes
expected that the poor
at once, which

"

pieces.Every body
but shouts of
of

"

There

Here

"

wanted

"

More

awa,

lads,work

what

ye like !

the

! here ! here !" answered

! there ! there

Poor Bill !"

command

to

water

awa

!"

"

it's

"

Oh,
the

no

save

water

more

"

my
for my

Nothing

Coldstream.

like an

Irish echo

savings!"

"

Drunkenness

Sabbath, and

ye may

"

by

My
!"

""

cries

poor,
Work

justplay at

"

In

pleasingcontrast to
unanimity of the members
portablefrom

helpingthe
spirit
"

no

at another

the flames.

tumult, was the unusual and cordial

of both Houses, in rescuingwhatever
was
Lords
the
to
It was
a
novelty see
delightful
this

they moved or carried. No party

Whig, pullingat one legof the table,whilst a Tory tugged
in the oppositedirection.
They seemed to belongto the

Hand-in-Hand.

Commons

in whatever

Peers

and

Commoners

were

alike

seen

burthened

worked
with loads of papers or furniture,
Mr. Calvert,in particular,
like any porter. Of course, in rescuing
the papers and parchments,
curious results
their contents,and some
inspecting
the pathetic
the
were
story in
Every body remembers
consequence.
atre,
the Tatler,of the lover who saved a strange lady from a burningthethe mistress of his afl'ections,
under the idea that he was
preserving
and some
similar mistakes
are
currentlyreportedto have occurred at
the late conflagration
and equallyto the chagrinof the parties.I
and
vouch for the facts,but it is said that the
cannot
go by hearsay,
unpopular Six Acts, includingwhat I believe is called the Gagging
there

was

no

time for

"

Act, were
the Irish

actuallypreservedby Mr. Cobbett.

Bill
Coercion Bill,whilst the Reform

Mr.
was

O'Connell

saved

snatched like

"

342

GREAT

THE

brand

of the fire,"
by

out

CONFLAGRATION.

certain noble

set his
Duke, who resolutely
Amongst others,Mr. Ricardo saved

againstit in all its stages!

the standard of value."
which he thoughtwas
old tattered flag,
deficient in general combination, and
concentration
However

face

"

on

of

individual
efforts were
beyond all praise. The instances of
energies,
Mr. Rice worked
and
amidst
daringwere numerous.
personalexertion
and
Mr.
baked
that
the flames tillhe was
body
expected
nearly
;
every
be

would

Pease

The

parched.
down

metal

pouring
Gentlemen, were

of tlie Hon.

entertained

were

and roof.

of the

in
falling

of

lead.
of the

one

melted

heads

The

literally
nothingbut

the

from

greatestdangerwas

the windows

from

of

Great

some

hensions
appre-

walls,which

eventuallygave way, but fortunatelyevery body had retreated on the

Mr. O'Connell,I believe,
who declared
timely warning of a gentleman,
that he

saw

I did not

in it.

Rent

the House

enter

of

Lords, which

was

now

of

mass

one

but directed my attention towards the Speaker's

mansion,
glowingfire,
The
behind
which was
was
nearly filled
burning.
partially
garden
of well-dressed gentlemen
with miscellaneous property" and numbers
were

moment

every

rushinginto the
from which

house,

theyissued

again,laden

with

spits,

sauce-pans,

and

other

culinaryimplements.
I, myself,

saw

one

zealous individual thus

encumbered

stew-pan
one

arm,

the

head,
under

screen

under

pan
the

his

on

the meat-

with

"

dripping-

the

other,

frying-panin his
righthand, the gridiron
in
the

his

left,and

in
rolling-pin

mouth.

Indeed,it

said that every

in

the

saved
box

down

was

to the salt-

and

the

anxietyto

she

"

was

cook

whole

number
there

save

cotched

feet till the

The

corner

was

-ONE

FOR

HIS

NOB

AND

TWO

FOR

HIS

HEELS.

her
up
of

in twelve

Abingdon

of the Foot

of the
was

is

article

kitchen

declares that such

the

his

but
police,

Guards

gentlemen's
arms,

and

felt her

never

Street."
were

in

attendance,as well

the thieves had mustered

in

as

great

greatforce,and

which
chocked temhowever
porarily
was
good deal of plundering,
said
be
and
to
the
of
members
by a gentleman
one
magistrates
a

THE

Essex,who

for

GREAT

jumped

on

up

343

CONFLAGRATION.

and
railing

addressed

the

the following
effect, How

do you hall dare!

The origin
of the fire is involved in much
mystery ;
it was
ascertained by whom
firstdiscovered.
Some
in
Serjeants,

of the

the

boots,to the utter amazement

Wright,the housekeeper,to jump and

caper

floor.

countenance

mischief

seems
story certainly

in
originated

the

burnt

and

matches

garden have
another

bear

and

hotted

upon

be

to

out

broke out, at
manufactories

to be believed.

I am.

But

got abroad
such

Sir,your

all,should

us

found
German

will

olfactories

Another
writer
to

these

of

sense

who

of persons

number

and
to

no

it

the fire before

too

are

like

much

Servant,
Y.

Z.

Account.

lines,who

of

very

Speaker's

sausages;

obedient

most

on

probablycome

he smelt

half-

of
finding

in the

not

also very

are

these facts rest

been

affirms that
but

that

X.

The

the

is very
Collective
the

of Incendiarism

nothing but

that has

Mr.

Dudley
Cooper'sHill ;

awakened

Mrs.

report that

laws for

links said to have

cock-and-a-bull

like

in circulation of the

are

other combustibles.

turned

end.

lay

down

Rumours

stories

The

companions

conceive

cannot

to

flues.

to

frail foundations.

better

one

warming apparatus,an opinionthat

how

lay down
and
prevalent,
generally
how

of his

to

part, I

current,but, for my own

Wisdom, which knows
know

say that

astonished to find the

in his

This

rectly
cor-

as

Snell,whilst
and

is it

nor

was
takingup
insignia,
ginger. Others relate that a Mr. Spell,or Shell,or
viewingthe House, althoughno dancer, began suddenly,

hot

as

mace

populaceto

"

"

resides

by a
conflagration
in
running the

in

Lambeth,

first

was
"

"

Fire
cry
direction of Westminster
of

were

from

enthusiast on the subjectof ignition,

Bridge. Owning myself a warm
indeed not havingmissed a fire for the last fifty
years, except one,
and that was
only a chimney,it may be supposed the exclamation in
all the slaves of some
had an electric effect. We
are
question
physical
and

bias,strangeas
is recorded

of

it may

of

To

say

I have

an

am

sort

salvo of

engine has the

a

guebre,or
of

to others

greatmarshal

some

the liveliestpleasureat
rumble

appear

same

with

oppositetendencies.

It

that he disliked music, but testified

or
artillery

effect

roll of

the

on

thunder,and

author

of these lines.

is onlyto confess
fire-worshipper,

observatoryerected

on

which,if there be a break-out within the

be discovered,and before goingto
may

the

roof

the

the

truth.

house, from
metropolis,it
invariablyvisit this
of

my
circuit of the

bed

look-out.

Every

mine
hobby-horse,and, figuratively
speaking,
the
and
to
fire
with
to
first
run
a
always kept
ready
engine. Many a time I have arrived before the turncocks,though I
an
perhaps had to traverse half London, and I scarcelyremember
man

has

his

harnessed

was

instance that I did not

natiu'e"

is second
Habit
appear longbefore the water.
I
could
believe
instinct
sniff
a
by
; and
verily
conflagration

344
if I

presentattracts

at

of the

the Sun, the

runningalongwith

dog,

publicattention^
by his eager
the
and
the HandBritish,
Globe,

much

so

of the firemen's

trainer

been, the

not, I ought to have

was

which

CONFLAGRATION.

GREAT

THE

in-Hand.
Of

course

have

seen

great many fires in my time

Rotherhithe,the theatres,
the Custom-house, "c. "c.
I remember
in the days of
Thistlewood
and Co., when
th
metropoliswas
expected
I
set
to be
on
fire, sleptfor
"

three weeks
order to be

clothes in

in my

1780,

riots of

and

good

the

great

when

once,

be

to

the

blazing

able,
I say lamentit was
sible
impos-

because

at

less

no

lamentable

sightit was.

all

the

eightfires were

than
at

the first

ready for

alarm ; for I had

fortune
to witness

present at them
time; but
same

good geniusdirected me
to Langdale'sthe
Distiller, DISTANCE
ENCHANTMENT
gar
which made (excusethe vulflape-up.
popularphrase)a very satisfactory
my

"

The

Rotherhithe

twenty

years

ago,

TIS

fire,not the
also

was

on

LENDS

recent

little

TO

job, but

grand scale,and

THE

VIEW.

fifteen

some

or

lasting.The

very

of my friends
were
some
wilfullycut ; and I remember
engine-pipes
well-known
of
m
e
on
jocularlyaccusingme
rallying
propensity,
my
a
was
lending my knife and my assistance. The Custom-house
cleared
it
it
done
itself
but
disappointment
certainly
efi*ectually, was
;
and consequentlythe long-roomfell short of my anticipations.
by day-light,
better; but I have
Drury-laneand Covent-gardenwere
observed generally
that theatres bum
with more
attention to stage
efi'ect. They avoid the noon
: a dark
night to a fire is like the black
letters m a benefit-bill,
o
ff
red
ones.
setting the
The

destruction

of

the

but contraryto
witnessed,
lonceive

the

Dartford

magazinesmake
fire than

they are

there

no

is

Kent
the

Mills

Indiaman

opinionof

ofi",all is
"

over

before you

gettingunder, which
not what
are
they used
generally,
steam, and
police,
call slow

one

cause

or

explosions.A body

once, and before B

been

25

can

be.

are

no

on

sooner

you are, and

But
out.
fires,

you

What

other,they have

with

become

of flame bursts from

call fi-er in two

Powder

where

know

quite puts
to

have

to

failure.

indiflferentconflagrations
; they

very

like

should

amateurs
experienced

many

have

must

gas, and
what

one

new

might

all the windows

at

the roof falls in,

syllables,

346

THE

GREAT

CONFLAORATION.

allowed me
to gaze
retrospective
position
it
hear, was a most imposingsight but
I cannot help thinkingthat Westminster
"

would

made

have

that it

many

was

fire.

admirable

an

up

upon the ruins.

By what
in spite
of
Lord

an

Althorp,
long range,

my
Hall, with its

Neither

IncendiaryAct, that

I agree with the

passedthroughboth houses
can

rapidly.To enjoythe thing,a later hour and a darker nightwould

have
been chosen.
and moon-lightdo not mix
certainly
Fire-light
ipell: they are best neat.
I am, Sir,Yours, "c.
so

"

Senex.
VarioiLs Accounts.
We

Shrops
bench

to state that Sir Jacob

concerned

are

Jubb

severelyburnt, by taking his

was

that

burningunder

was

The

him.

seat

the

member

new

in the

House,

danger of his situation

for
on

was

pointedout to him, but he repliedthat his seat had cost

thousand pounds,and he wouldn't quit. He
at length
was
by force. Morning Ledger.

several times

him

ten

'

removed
A
of

"

foolish anecdotes

greatmany

of the

contemporaries
gravelyasserts

our

fire are

that the

in circulation.

Marquis

of

One

Culpepper

the last person who

left the South Turret,a fact we
beg leave to
that
f
or
the
noble
Lord
alluded
reason
to is at prequestion,
exquisite
sent
Real Sun.
at Constantinople.The
was

"

We
the

are

individual

much

so

enabled

to state that

who

displayed

coolness in the South

Turret

Captain Back.

was

"

The Public Journal.

It is said
interest

evinced

was

members

to the

of Commons

present

were

the

by

of the House

who
as
fire,

that considerable

the

at

fate of their

Bills.

One

spective
re-

able
honour-

gentleman,in particular,
observed anxiously
ing
watch-

was

the last scintillationsof

burnt

"

paper.

Oh,

Observance

"There's

bath
Sab-

my

"

some

he

claimed,
ex-

end

an

of

! There
religion
and

Clerk !

The

"

go the Parson
Public Diarp.

Earl of M.

narrow

when

"

escape.
a

had

His

hard-working
man,
eldest not
The

above

forward

is M'Farrel.

name

exclamation

and

PORTRAIT

CAPTAIN

BACK.

very

Lordship was

labourer rushed

individual's

iDiirru
FANCY

and

We

on

the

point of kickinga

it out of the way.

The
understand he is a sober,honest,

has two

year old.
of a noble
"

bucket

snatched

wives,and a numerous
Daily Chronicle.
who
Lord, high in office,

family;
was

the

very active

THE

has
fire,

at the

"

Blow

"

all !

been

347

CONFLAGRATION.

incorrectly
given.

very

the Commons

save-all."

The

GREAT

The

flare up

! let *em

words
but

"

were

oh,

for

"

lows
fol-

as
a

save-

Moiniing News.

"

has

publicattention

been

greatlyexcited by the extraordinary

of a commercial
statement
gentleman,that he smelt the fire at the
Cock and Bottle,in Coventry. He
asserts that he mentioned
the fact
in the commercial
to a deaf gentleman,
and likewise to a dumb
room
waiter,but
he

New

Coventry

at

the

on

by
nightin question,

leader of that coach has been

near

for

sent

the

by

Tally-

express.

"

Monitor.

"We

in

were

the

at

the

recollection of the circumstance.

He
any
the Common
who
have
that
elicited
Council,

before

actuallyarrived

ho ! and

have

neither

examined

has been

scene

arrived with

his

It must
House

of

British

"

have

the

five o'clock Mr.

early

as

was

first engine

Alderman

A.

began immediatelyto play

Guardian.

struck every

Commons,

Atlas

the

statingthat
So

garden engine,and

own

the Thames.

upon

in

error

of action.

there

that

witnessed

who

one

lamentable

was

operationsin

the

"

of

want

the

order !

making pumps
gentlemensucceeded
The
flames.
check
the
duct
conon
producingany
On the arrival
of the military
far from unexceptionable.
also was
in.
refused
the
to
fall
of
Coldstream
at the fire they actually
Many
declined to stand at ease on the burningrafters
but what is the public
"order

! order !

"

in

greatmany

themselves,without

of

"

interest to

private?

Public

"

am

firstto the fire it

come

obligeto walk

was

last,I

take

the House

my
of Commons

did not

know

flames grew
how

which
very

nobody,
So

to turn.

way
: and

fast

longburnt

keep myself

quiteconvenient
and

to

interested very

am

am

colour ; Mr.

Buckstone's

turned

quiteblack
I

drab.

and

The

the seats,
seats made

blue

flame the

they

dead.

with

much

but

"

other

made

In

The

all alone.

Some
they burned, quitedifferent from one another.
and popped and bounced, and
you call a great splutter,
made
noise at all. Mr. Bulwer's
seats
no
place burned

what

I
At

warm.

look about.

all burnt

they were

; and

up

about
rats,ratting

great many

was

not

was

the floor to

the stove,
there was

on

firstthing I observe

down

and

up

seat

(Exclusive*

C.'s Account.

Monsieur
When

Adwrtiser.

there

some

of

was

one

flame and

observe

of a
one
green
another very
and
at
side
and
hiss
roar
one
they
by side,
orange,
and the seat of sieurs
Mesfurious. The gallery
cleared itselfquitequickly,
a

colour

one

The

of forty-eight
the reporters,
pounds.
explodeditselflike a cannon
all.
at
sound
chair
without
burnt
speaking
any

When
and

thingis quitedone

go to the House

almost
take

every
the

off my

whole

of

of its inside burnt

great coat.

the fire

Lords, where
I could

I leave them

in the Commons

out.

find

was
was

all in

one

able in this

nothingto be

saved

I carry away
red hot,and which
great ink-stand,that was
hands.
Likewise
here,as well as in the Commons, I

off,

sheet,and
room

except
in my

bottled

to
one

two
up

348

THE

and
a-piece,
make

are

play

distribute

to

more

whenever

throat

my

was

water, and
boiling

bath of

Letter

I did not

the pompiers
visible,
afraid of

was

littlehorse.

almost.

myself stuffed
write any

cannot

to

madness

was

and I

water

chest,and

afterwards,at five guineas

the Englishpeopleadmire such

like
reliques,

upon me,
I arrive at home, I find

as

fact,when
in my

CONFLAGRATION.

; for I know

fond after

long stop,for

foolish

be

may

and
things,

smoke,

bottles of

several

GREAT

so

catch-cold.

in my

was

In

head, and fast

going for it into

length."

am

at full

more

Labouring Man.

BUSHELL,
When

you

London, in your way

probably noticed a
stood

fine houses

they

to

the Waxwork

"Whitsuntide
and

head

Seeingyou

vagabond,by

way

of

to be

of

to

see

the

Sightsof
Abbey, you

Westminster

pile of buildingsin

that shock

were.

well-dressed

some

holidaylast

vast

scratched

and

made

Palace

Yard,

and

wondered

yours,

and

no
country clodpole,

puttinga

hoax

upon

you

whose
doubt

the haw--

all the talent,all

buck, told you that in those buildings
congregated
of the country
and publicspirit
that beneath
the integrity
those
"

roofs the best and

wisest,and the most

honest

kingdoms,met to deliberate and enact the most

and judicious
laws for the good of the nation.
the guardians
of our
oracles of our
constitution,
tors

of

nobody told

you,

say, that within

walls your master

lifted up

Of

liberties.

our

his

delivered the

course,

Bushell,you

to be found

men

wholesome
He

in three

and

just,

called them

and the
rights,

the

asser-

told all this ; but

were

I dare
those
had

voice,and
onlysound,

rational, and

some,
whole-

and able
upright,

speechesthat

were

in St.

uttered

Chapel.

ever

Stephens

No, nobody

told you that. But when

I come
home, Bushell,I
will

lend

when

you

have

them,

and

read

all my
printed speeches,and

and

you

studied
them

got

bumpkin as
Bushell,
you
as
as

much
all

our

of

spelt
them,

them, and
by heart, o
you
are,
will know

"2-

legislation

bers
preciousmem-

OUR

constitution's

gone

!"

together.
Well, Bushell,the

fine houses you

stood

gapingat

are

burnt

down.

THE

You

walls.

the

There

state.

same

is

nothing is

house,or, at

Parliament

fire there; well, the

the

after

Gubbins'

Farmer

saw

349

CONFLAGRATION.

vulgar call it, and

the

gutted,as

GREAT

the
least,

the

bare

shell of

it,
exactly in
do
Bushell,how
the
truth,you
you

Houses

! andi now,

for you

news

left but

are

Why, if the well-dressed vagabond told

you feel?
had had
for alV the British Constitution
feel as if you
stroke
is
a
and
of
that
fraction
is
British
to
it,
affected, you are a
subject.
say, a
"

Your

bacon

vinegaron
You

have

rusty

grows

in your

mouth, and your table-beer turns to

cannot
sleepat night,or work by day.

your palate. You

heart for any thing.
no

You

hardlydrag one clouted

how
do you look ? Why, as paleas a parsnep,
shoe after another. And
and
thin
and as
as
a hurdle,
your carrottylocks stand bolt uprightas if
old Law son's ghostwith his head under his arm.
I
you had justmet
feel and
say thus you must
told you is the truth.

with

whole

with

ass, and

old

Your

But

is that the

face is

smack

of

Mayor, and
at night you
snore
bold and ruddy as

the

hob-nails with
an

look,Bushell,if what
case

the well-dressed
?

as

Lord

delight
; and

bond
vagadrink your

You

No.

bolt your bacon

as
relish,
if,as the virtuous Americans say, you could " go the
hog." Your clouted shoes clatter about as if you were counting

small-beer

sighand

can

work

you

like
the

an

Red

you

like

horse,or
jews' harps.

young

oratorio of
Lion's.

Your

carrotty

locks lie sleek upon

ghost,you
your poll,and as for poor old Lawson's
could lend him flesh and blood enough to set him up againin life. But

what, say you, does all this tend to ? I will tell you, Bushell. There
well-dressed vagabonds,besides the one
are
a great many
you met in
Palace Yard, who would persuadea ^oor man
that a House of Lords or
Commons
is as good to him as his bread,beer, beef,bacon, bed, and
breeches; and therefore I address this to you, Bushell,to set such
back and belly. And
notions to rights
now
by an appeal to your own
I will tell you what
You shall go three nightsa week
you shall do.
is done),and you may
work
Lion (when your
score
up a
the
And
when
each
time.
the
of
or
at
pint
beer,
cost,
parson,
my

to the Red

or
tax-gatherer,
any such gentry,begin to talk of
and
national calamity,and such-like
the
deplorable
greatburning,

exciseman,or
the

trash,you
you
and

the

I say, Bushell,
letter and read to them
my
this letter to them, twice over, loudlyand distinctly,

shall

pull out

shall read
tell them

wouldn't

from

be such

me,
a

"

that the

national

PRIVATE

To

Mary

burningof twenty

calamityas

fire at No.

Parliament

Houses

1, Bolt Court.

CORRESPONDENCE.

Price,Fenny Hall, Lincolnshire.

with my art in my mouth,

writingin such a quiver,
to it. For too hole hours Ive bean I)oin nothink
and my tung sticking
into fits,
I mean
or
but taking on and going off,
cryingand blessing
This day week I wear
inwallopped
goodnessfor my miraclus escape.
But thenks
in flams, and thinkin of roth to cum, and fire evverlasting.
O

Mary,

"

am

350

THE

GREAT

hear
DivingProvidings,

to

scotched
deth.

off,a

Wen

hav had

ate,

was

it mite

or

of fire ewer

gratedred

I am, altliowgh
with loss of wan
rite
shew.
But I hav bean
my

cap and

noo

Warnin, and never,

Clandestinypartiesbehind

in it all

Oh

fell

then

Gudge
and

never

down

terrifid to

stow, and

how

low

I felt

Communer's.

It

agin will

never

Mississis backs.

highhrew

the

on

now

see

the clovin fut of the Wicked

tho
prevaled,

temtashun

nine, I

the Lords

never

no,

be

since.

burningalongwith

at the idear of

bean

CONFLAGRATION.

my

go

but

errer,

Wan

had

as

to

hand

marrybones,and bless yure stars

loanlystoopedpoky place,wear
sitiating
you
you cant be lead
incUnd.
into liteness and gayty,if you was
Fore wipping
so
ewer
but its better
is a dullish luck out, shure enuff,
willies and a windmill
like a suckin
ambishus prospex, and stairing
at a gratefire,
then moor
pig,tillyure eyes is reddy to drop out of yure hed !
is absent,a certin person allwaysgivs
You no wen
Lady Manners
:

Mary,
in

for

good rowt

I had

and

"

on

yure

card in Coarse.

and

I went

hat and

ginteel,
my

verry

fethers to match.

a
say Wot,
After takin off my things,
I had barelyset
to be.
wamt
dubble
nock without any end
a
at the front dore there cums

Cloke

cost

I wont

ringof the bell

with a big drum.
a

Oh

As

Mary,

from

the Botcher

deer

dissevers you

saim

time,like
the

as

soon

door

buckits,and

for the

pailface asked
the fire.

the

at

never

throw

were

the fust

was

sects

that flurts at the front

away

yure

arts

upon.

news

we

had

For

all their fine

selvs then I do of
earth.
sit yure
and

If yure

are

think

face

sweepingthe

wise

you

as

be,

may

dreeming of

will

menkind

agin all

luv nonsense,

in futer,or

make

parjuringthem-

of

moore

of

They are all Alick

dore,down to the

with picrust,they
ears
purfessions,
they are ony filling
yure
triflesof yure afections,
and destroyyure comfits for life. They
no

it

down, wen
to it,and
keepin cumpany
triangle
with a
opened a man

trust to the mail

Backer

and

that

But

to

meen

wen

brid cake

you

and

wite fevers,
you may find yureself left with
nothink
but
breeches
Futman

of

is

prommis.
proof in

John

pint.

Menny tims Ive giv him a

hidingat number
fore,and he
had
the best of the
ttllways
lardur at our
stolin m eatings,
and

God

him

to idelize me

nose

Ive offun alloud

wen

I ort to

hav

bean at my wurks, besides

laming to rite for his sack.

Twenty
to jump

housis afire ort not

up

to hav

at the fust allurm

and

WHY

DON

THE

MEN

PROPOSK.

.''

abaited his warmth, insted of witch

run

away,

leavingme

to make

my

THE

shifts. A treu luver wood

hone

there

if ever

and

mobbing
the

up

flams over-head.

to cotch

me

nose, for

they was.

itsfumiter.

before

axingand hollowing
out,
swaring,and the peples
hone

parts,Jl
enuff

man

sick of the retohes !

am

Mary,

fullythort

to

It used

gintlemanwas

one

the fish kettle. As for the

up in arms, but he prefered
off to the wind seller,
and the pantry, ware
theymaid

sogers they marcht

beleave to preserve
Lord

Sich

pumpin, and

purtect. Men ant what

to be femails fust,but now
comin

have

cussingand
Hous purvented all gitting
out.
For my
dresser,and skreeked,but nobbody was

rushes into the

climed

staid to shear my fat. O

that was
!
Flams
won
terryfickle
spectikle

behind,and

and flams
and

was

351

CONFLAGRATION.

GREAT

the

my

How

gusberrygam.

bed

was

reskewd

was

tell I found

unsensible

meself

at last

setten

on

of St. Margret's
Church, with my fethers all
pickidpinted ralings
off.
But
and a shew
of all lossis,
most serius,
frizzild,
my ridicule was
the

for it had

and

How
was

Lord

it broke

ware

minded.

under

in there

in it.

puss

my

is

mistery.

Allthorp,who

say

both

Howses
heatid

spit of

ingaged every cotch,cab,and gobbing porter as

his Lordshipit did not lose
may thenk

Westmunster

say the Lords and Communs

historicle associashuns,
wich of

grate menny

Sum

members
say the Common
got over
of
deal
was
burned, in
property
grate

fluency. A

conveyancers.
its AU.
They

out

Sum

connectid

was

will

coarse

with

hav to make

good all dammage.

and

the Spekers mornin, noon,

Fortnately,
not

was
as

stud

home,

at

the

or

it mite

sufferd,for

hav

down

well,melted

fire verry

who
Taukingof plaita gentilman,

evning services of plait

they say goold and silver
when

it

giv his card,Mr.

got

furthur

"William

off.

Soames,

in his inquerries
efter Mr. Spekers
were
verry kind and partickler
vallybles. I hope he will hav a placegivn him for his indevvers.
Ware
Exter

King

the poor bamt-out

Hall, sum
say the

will lend

them

frite that will go

by day
hole

his Bensh

with

and

will go
Refudge for the

me

Sum

noboddy nose.

creturs

Destitut,and
!

to set upon

All I

no

sum

say

say the

is,I've

had

fire
allwayssnifing

to
am
my
grave.
it by nite.
Ony last Fryday I allarmd

the
dreeming
naberhood
out of winder for the warter
to be plugged
by screaching
throes
into fits.
me
or striking
or making tindur,
lite,
Litingfires,

up.
I shall

John's

newer

on

be

the

womman

was

I don't dare to take

but that is

no

excus

close off to go to
my
by a rop in case, and I

for

bed,
unconstancy.
and
down
practiceclambering
giv
up
to
number
and than to keep a specious
policeM 25 a shillin now
eye
But it cums
in his harms.
to
fore,and be reddy to ketch anny won
of
from
and
bear
time
the
a
pint
inginkeeper
particly
givin
munny,
to time,and
where
there's nabers fires will
drams
to the turncox
:
be youreself. I
howevver
and
cerefull
happen,
precocius
may
you
dred our too nex
dores ; number
three is a Gurmin
fammily, and them
orrid forriners think nothink
in bed, witch will
of smockingsiggars
ketch sum
fiv is wus
day to a curtainty.Number
; since his wifs deth
Mr. Sanders has betuck himself to comicle studis,
and offin has a littel
and I

352

THE

GREAT

CONFLAGRATION.

O !

and morters.
blo up amunghis pistles
"
Fur
livs lick you, as the song says,
hone.

and

you,

the

you

Thenk

throwin

with

to bed

stuff

ware

In

or

of

case

REFINED

WOMAN.

or

and

of lite cottons

gingums, in

by

pusses,

witch

menny

pettycots catchin

yure

case

don't

of the

coles

gains
forgitstandin

persons

becoz fire burns

by the Human
Society,
posishun as requierspractis. Have yure chimbly

uppards,but its a
wonce
swept reglar
in the warmin
Remember
but

sarvent

bad

it

sarvent

for

fear you

visiters

and
forgit

cum

leave

neveer

put hot coles

it in the

spairbed.

it is

wen

gives

notis.

have

we

wen

good

munth's

shure

and

master,

never

munth,

pan,
fire is

enuff

sure

master

be

not

hed, as recommended

yure

To

will

coffens

out

their ends.

and

lamd

newer

bucks

insted

wooUin,

piller.

yure

therefor

Allways

you.

on

to

go

anny

Don

yureselfout

gudnessyou

take

may

xtinguished,

blo

reed,and

to

If

of men."

pips or
boddy

out.

or

allways

befour

as

out ewery
nite,
sole in the hows

rake

see that evvery

is turnd down

and

men

let evvery

thurrowly put

neglectto

buzzy aunts

is them

eyes
for

out

allow backer

longsnufs,and
be

yure

luck

sparks;watever
say, don't

happy

the

take

Pray
Have

gratest car.
about

the

how

its nobbody'sfolt

yu'reinflamd
but yure

from

Mary,

won

in town
that is unmarsy
benone in the country, and
that is Swingeing; there
is

no

heyrixin
Square. That
week
pint,and I

comstax

or

St. Jims's
is yure
trembil

for

rockite

or

del mite
But
say
am,

dear

and

never

bams

roaming canin

set you

hop

will

the

blaze.

trust wat

prove

THE

SWELL

MOB,

the truth,

Oppydildock is good for burns, and

Mary,
Yure

old and

afexionate feller sarvent,

Ann

Gale.

354

but

I would

write more,
where, or upon what
and am, "c.

CONFLAGRATION.

GREAT

THE

going to

am

meeting,I need not say

Phipps,on your discretion,

subject.I rely,Mrs.

Anastasia

Arabella

Crawfurd^junior Esquire^the Beeches^near

T.

To

Jdbb.

Shrewsbury,

Shrops.
Dear

Tom,

Throw

you^Usay

Father

joy!
and he

since

dissolved

was

I've

came

the rest.

alongwith

happy

been

never

we

There's glorious
huzza.
news, and so
your cap and
I could almost jump out of my skin for
I tell you.
of Commons
House
dismembered ! The
caught fire,

up
when

don,
to Lon-

up

liament.
and all throughParelection

The

good sport enough.

was

ridingup and
and
carrying a

I liked the

down,

the battle,with

flag; and

between the Blues

sticks,
mous
faand the Yellows, was
fun ; and

I huzza'd

ting
myself hoarse at our getthe day at last. But
the jollup,
afterthat came
to say at Old
Theme
writing
Busby's.
as

used

we

was

fool to it. If father

composed
speech he

composed
and

hundred,

"

and

all out, and

them

copy

made

he

down

knuckle

me

maiden

one

-^"^

^^^^

"^^"

preciousstupidstuff

it

pomp-.'

"^

was.

regularphy-

made
to take after it. He
us
you, and I'd worse
and hear him spout them, and a poor stick he made.

all sit

sicker,
says
down

that
"Willis,
He's

him.

no

used

worked

year,

"

over

none

seen

go to the

giveme
was

of

it,or be made

pay

than
I had

same.

the maps.

wishing both

the national

at

last month

geographythe

Pedro, all
I've

he'd

a
Handpost,was
much
so
figures,

at

fag,Tom,

sums

more

call

to

better hand

it,but I wish

owes

me

we

have

ever

you

for

Dick

"

the Dons
the

came

were

sightsI

to

well

wanted

hunt
for

at
gallery

compared to
for

worse

Did

me.

who

bankrupt

I've

at

out

at

once.

school in the half

Don

Carlos and

Don

regularwigging one day,

Tom
Tough says.

peppered, as
to

play,because he says the theatres

vicious styleof elocution.
The

to sit in the

at it

debt ? I don't know

I did

ever

in

dab
the

the Commons

sec.

He

wouldn't

let

me

and would
schools,
only pleasurehe promised
and see him presenthis

are

bad

THE

petitions.Short-hand would
for he
down liisspeechifying

have
says

"

of it all

well out

and

"

Minister ? I

Prime

Junk

give Jack

next, that I might take

the reporters all garble. An't I
come

from the
placehe was to get for me besides,
the Navy Pay, to sit on a high stool and
suppose
a

pound

one

Junk

rather be Jack

355

CONFLAGRATION.

GREAT

and

two

ninepencetwice

himself,wouldn't

Tom

you,

! In hopes of
wicket,and huzza for Shropshire
remain,my dear Tom,

his
I

Your

old chum

and

But
our

I'd

year.

father's lost

meeting,

soon

schoolfellow,

Frederick

Jubb.

gentlemanhas justcome
in,with a knock-me-down-again.He says
ele"tion. I wish you'd
there's to be a new
P. S.

"

court

; it would
something

do

and I will do

as

to set

body

your

father

try, Tom

I will ask
side

giveyour

to

favour,

another time.

Do

fellow.

good

I know

real

is,to get

againstmine.

up

there's

be

for you

of you

I want

What

much

"

every

plumper.

AN

the Shrubbery,
near
Roger Davis, Bailiffs

To Mr,

Davis,
I hope
"

and your

hair will stand

like the

flamingthing
To my

mind

Guardian
and

"

to blow

up

Oh

have

what

"

that

Waltham

for
a

se.

tannic
you broughtus to ! As the Briwell says
England is gone to Italy London is at
I have
all
are
standingon the top of Vesuvius.
an

attempt

Abbey

paper
barrels of

of 513

recentlyrobbed

the members

felo de

"

we

crisis is

Our

on

"

"

were

on

"

"

"

heard and I believe it

gate Pump.

alongwith this read that,

newspaper
has reached its height
end.
Incendiarism
a

the top of the Monument.

suicide ^isas bad as
political

"VVhigs,
Whigs,Whigs
"

Shrewsbury

"

will have

particulars
you

Naples

UP.

this will find you at home

I am
writingin a
madness.
I
collect
can't
myself to give
borderingon

to God

state of mind

come.

ADDER

England

made

says

What

with its own

to choke

Aid-

that the mills

positively

powder, the

and Wales.

government

has been

number

exact

of

diabolical refinement

powder !

can

hardly persuade

spreadto
England.
I mean
is frightfulI supthe incendiaryspirit.The dry season
pose
the springs
all dry. Keep the engine locked in the stable,
are
Let all
for fear of a cut at the pipes. I'llsend you down two more.
I'm
the labourers take a turn at them, by way
of practice.
persuaded
myself I

am

God

in

where

knows

it will

"

"

the Parliament

thingI

kitchen.

hear.

saw

burnt

were

Cooper'sis

Mr.
every

houses
A

on

great deal

bunch

The

purpose.

to the

more

of matches

found

was

somethingsuspiciousmyself
"

a2

some

culous.
flue story is ridi-

point. I believe
in the Speaker8
said

but
treacle,

356

THE

Have
I say tar.
well
as
night

your
and

"

One

stacks.

four

have

gates,day

as

Caesar,but
I

know

you

lock all the

"

I should

more,

said

you

three

get

"

or

about

eyes

Tiger is

enough

not

CONFLAGRATION.

the

all,v^ratch

above

GREAT

the

mean

tiffs,
house-dog. Good masthe biggestand
"

get.

savagest you can

The gentry will

be attempted

first

ning
begin-

"

M.P.'s.

with

the

You

and

Barnes

Sam

must

turns

and

sit up
and
let

"

by
the

maids

sit up too
men
wohave
sharp ears,

and

sharp tongues.-^

If

them

squall dange
rer
"

market

and

"

Get

saved Rome.

don't stand

"

that

read

I have

"

vigilantcreature

danger. It's

no

or

security and comfort.

next

PARTY.

MOVEMENT

THE

stirsI would

mouse

have
in

"

but

price

about

"

the

the

only way

common

is a

goose
them

of

score

sleep

to

choose them

at the

"

with

good

Fire
keep
and all the
the blunderbuss
off every night,and both fowling-pieces
the
it
all
If
did
the Gentry
much,
pistols.
as
country
might keep
middle
in
twice
the
If
alarm-bell
the
to
once
or
were
quiet.
ring
you
then
what help
know
of the night,
be as well
it would
you would
to depend upon.
Search the house often from the garretto the cellar,
cackles.

Alarm

them

and

now

then

watchful.

them

to

"

for combustibles
sort

of

could manage

if you

"

it would
light,

to

go without

candles,

or

any

be better.

find your way

about in the dark after a littlepractice.Pray
don't allow any sweethearts ; they may
be Swings and CaptainRocks
iVe misgivings
in disguise,
and their pretended flames turn out real.
You'd

about

Tie them

the maids.

it themselves"

unconnected.

The

up,

mean

and

their

taste

housedogs;but

the

scoundrels often

before they eat

liver,
makes
agitation

my

me

poisonthem, before they attempt

for fear of their

Keep the cattle in the cowhouse
robberyand arson.
where.
beinghoughed and hamstrung. Surely there were
greatdefects some-

The
had been
cast
our

any
bane.

Houses

watched
blame
A

on

few

as

have

could not
well

as

been

or

lighted
paltryspiritof

they were

if

they

it is too late to
has been

would
shillings

purchaseda watch-dog;
of
saved the capitol
have
might

two

adjournmentwhen

"

but

"

individuals.

there

were

none

economy

have

geese in each house

knew
constitution ! But the incendiary

one

properlyprotected

how

to

choose

I say,
sitting.

his time

"

and
the
an

because
incendiary,

THE

doubt

no

exist in any

can

transcribe

GREAT

conclusive

357

CONFLAGRATION.

cool

mind, that
from

extracts

enters

conflagration.
the

papers,
all write on

to be

I know

into the

several

editors of

side.
one
uprightmen, and they
the
are
confidently
informed,"says
Beacon, that a quantity
of tar-barrels was
purchased at No. 2, High-street,
Shadwell, about
the morning of the fire.
There was
ten o'clock on
time
abundant
before six a.m., for removing the combustibles
to Westminster.
The
his
on
purchaserwas a short,squat, down-lookingman, and the name
which
"

We

cart

was

"

I. Bums."
the

circumstances,"
Trifling
says

"

of the

resemblance
striking

need not

we
"

own

the

to examine

bore
effigies

These

name.

to

member

some

to

are

particular
party :

any

other of

or

blies
assem-

signsof the times."

should be loth,"says the Detector, " to

We

point to

have
We
made
it our
opinion is formed.
in
for
the
versary
Guys
preparation
impending anniGunpowder Plot, and we affirm,that every one of the

Our

great results.
business

Sentinel," sometimes

but

we

the late calamity

impute

reasonablyinquirewhat
Whigs and the Tories.

may

the

relative stake in the country is

possessed
by
The
fair standard.
be taken
first
as
a
Englishlanguagemay
in
claim
to
bob-^"^,
short,
sciatch-ici^,
tie-wi^,
lay
perri-w?^,
may
not
the w^hole familyof perruques, with whi^maleeTy. The latter,
to
territory,
have a vested rightin oratory, history,
mention other good things,
have
doubt
and victory. Can
of
a
a
man
common
patriotism
The

That

last

I don't
to

as

to ?"

side it is his interest to adhere

which

see

read.

what

care

You

answered.

decidedlyreckon fire
doctrines
Very pernicious

danger,and

our

Take

it is to be

how

see

you
the Western

Channel.
The
across
especially
I'm told they tie the cows'*tails together,
and
for insurrectionary
The
foundations
bugles.
the world

over

Indies,all
to

men

"

to

fightunder

rallyround

themselves

seem

in

the Whiteboys

grow

of

sort

no

I'm

ebb.

sorry

off"their horns

saw

Franklin

shaken

Blacks

all

in the West

It's time for honest

to

say

and
publicspirit

There's too much

againstassociations and unions.

measures

reallyfrightful.

societyare

Americanism.

to Indian

Englishwheat

our

apples but

of

abroad, and

are

are

then

colours.

same

but

"

Irish

Ireland,and the

the

love of one's country are at a low

One writer wants
to turn all
us
to

argument. Indeed
con.
they are all nem.
an
inflammatoryagent.

I call sound

Davis,is what
paragraph,

pippins.

We

corn,

want

and

strong

demagoguesabroad

There's

than half suspect

By-the-bye,I more
and
him
to the ale-house,
is a delegate.Take
that fellow Johnson
him
treat him freely"it may
to blab something. Besides,you
warm
will see what
You may drop
take in.
sort of papers the public-houses
and

"

hats.

white

they wear

hint about their licenses.

tell him

hope

he will

I could

be down

may

tell the

tenantry,and

what

heart's in the
may,

I will

complimentsto

the times, and

you, but I cannot

I'm burnt
electors

amongst

"

rightplace
"

be

my

preachto

wish

my

Give

an

and

unshaken

devoted
on
pillar

to

Dr.

Garratt, and

take

strong texts.
desert my post. You

out

and

gutted

constituents.

the basis of my

"

but

Come

circular

358
DonH

letter.

in

old
am

my

sorry I did not

at the first alann
bury it. Take

precautions.I
but

town"

to

am

they may be threatenings.

him
instantly. All the
appliesfor work, discharge
any Irishman
but I
they are not now
had better be set again,
legal,
spring-guns
would
t
he
did
perhaps
and if they
higherpowers
ministerial,
go off,
letters or notices

no

If

of

forgetany

bringall the plateup

CONFLAGRATION.

GREAT

THE

wink

know

you

it's fire

But

them.

at

for what

dethat I'm afraid of,fire that stroyed

and
roof,
political
my

as

hand,

and

break

and

under

gettingit

faggotat

there's

"

thing
no-

being taken

than

worse

You

hands

try your

in

every

out.

set fire to the small

stack,

by

ready

be

for

moment

say, bucket

I may

Walk,

may

one.
paternal

assailmy

now

may

this letter

surprise.Read

and impress these

frequently,
It is a
chargeson your mind.
sad change for England to have
become, I may say, this fiery
I have

furnace.

the

not

WHEN

SHALL

WE

THREE

MEET

AGAIN

"

least

properlytraced,the burning cliff at Weymouth would be

with Incendiarism,and the Earthquakesat
found
to be connected
with
Chichester
convulsions.
Thank
our
Providence in your
political
that
station
forbids
own
your
your beingan
M.P., for
prayers, Davis,
doubt,

if

placein parliamentis
Honour

little better than

forbids to

or
resign,

on
sitting

I should wish

barrel of powder.
gunI was
nothingbut
a

simple country gentleman. Remember, and be vigilant.Once

I cry Watch, Watch, Watch
!
more
By adoptingthe motions I propose,
be
a
conflagration
adjournedsine die,which is a petition
may
Your anxious
by
presented
perpetually
but uncompromisingMaster,
a

Jacob

To
Respected

Lady Juhh, at 45, Portland

Jubb, M.P.

Place,

Madam,

I received
my
In

your Ladyship'sobligingcommands, and have used

to the wishes
endeavours
to conform
condescended
therein.

best

controversy,I beg to
respectto political

silence

the

domestic

say

I have

imposed a

tacit

the sphere of my
as
as within
capacities
the
Mr.
is
Bailiff,
Davis, a party unamenable
say
and as
such has taken
to my
liberties with
decorum
authority,
However
quite unconsistent with proprietyand the decency due.
reluctant
to censoriousness,
subverpive
duty compels to communicate
on

control,but

conduct

lament

far

to

quite unconformable

to

decency'srules

and order

in

well-

THE

GREAT

behind

from

out

for
domestics,

terrifically
jumping

corners,

the

on

female

able
reason-

no

purpose

dark

in obscure

and

doors

Davis's

Mr.

I allude to

establishment.
regulated

359

CONFLAGRATION^

dis-

can

tliem
in

their

exert

make

to

except

cover,

voices

ner.
alarmingman-

very

The

housemaid,

indeed, confirms

sayingin

her

by

me

words,

own

"he

considered her skreek

the

best

skreek

in

the

family." If impropriety
had proceededno further,
I

should

have

to trouble

hesitated

Ladyship
particulars
; but Mr.
Davis, not satisfied with
your

with

thus

the

working on

sophisticated
un-

of

terrors

ignorantfemales,thought
to
horrifywith
proper
inflammatory reports.
One night,
about
as
a prominent instance,
alarm
that
a

bell

the

so

the

at
violently,

law

ambiguouslyhinted

twelve

escaped in a
at, by sayingthat

o'clock,he rang the

proclaimingconflagration,
duty, and, as
dishabille only to be

paramount

our

all

we

consequence,

same

MAN.

MARKED

time

became
preservation

of

of

state

time

allow

did not

to

put

on

the neighbouring
to meet
lutestring
gentry and must add,
full
blaze
in the
with indignation,
of a heap of straw, thoughtproper
fire by Mr. Davis in the fore-court.
I trust your Ladyship
to be set on
will excuse
of language,
in sayingit was
littlewarmth
a
highlyreprehensible
but
I
have
the
not depictured
worst.
I, one evening,
lighted
;
what
I
be
mould
and
conceived
to
a
candle,
Ladyship will
up
your
when
it exploded itself like a missile
imaginemy undescribable fright

ray best

of the

"

years
a

and

Mr.

as

me,

be made

may

Davis

to be actors

I
experience,

preposterousnotion

character.

For

females to set up
well

as

his

to
absurdity

confidence
express

on

can

had
in

the

our

own

of the

say, of

I must
to

combustion.

vincing
con-

to, that

own

To

we

at my

suppose
must
of
danger fire,

be

subsequentacts partakean agreeable

insidiously
the
persuade
arguments
of
night,a precaution course declined,
in

being consumed

all his

mode,

audaciousness

be unsensible

but all his

fear of

professed,he exerted
as

unwarrantable

an
squibdescription,

influential

noctumally all

our

beds, as

he

to

followingscheme, beingalmost too much broached with

her
female
I mean
enumerate.
reposing
retiring
every
live goose in her chamber, as were
a
purchasedfor the

purpose,

beings.I trust

but
your

need

not

add

Ladyship

will

were

dispensedwith

by

rational

acquitof uncharitableness

if I

360

suspect it

of vindictive

out

was

CONFLAGRATION.

GREAT

THE

g"ese, that Mr. Davis insinuated

into the house, as
that came
far

personallypresent
her

feminine
be

to

dairymaid

cousin.

It

department

of
deprived,

male

escaped

that when

to say

memory

all that

at

the

passedbetween
and

servants

adverse

to

be

requiringto

as

even

to

spirited
up

by

the

refused

rest, the

equally

were

go

at their oppositionto the

feelings
strict
a
inquiryinto every individual

bed, being

Mr.

Davis

to

and
spend the nighttogether,

likewise
the

being furnished
ale

with

in

the
strong
tions,
cellar,
by his imperiousdirecof
climax
which,by way

best

to

assurance,

be

by

allegedto

was

order of Sir Jacob

I

say

his

on

self.
himtively
reflec-

his

nothing
charging
repeatedlydisat unseasonable
artillery

WAPPING

OLD

hours,the

STARES.

shock

principally

to
was
so
concerning
as
my
requirecallingin physicalpowers ; and Doctor Tudor, considering
advanced
is of opinion I may
requireto be under
age and infirmity,
hands for an ensuing
his professional
Of startling
twelvemonth.
effects
make
other parties
I may
comments
out
more
unreserved,and withupon
harsh extenuation must
his
off
due
without
letting reports
say,
notice,frequentlywhen the females had valuable cut glassand china
own

in their
express

vibrated

in the extreme, to
their trays,was
blameable
feature which
the least of it. Another
caused much
santness,
unplea-

hands, or

on

Mr.

was

entire

which
constitution,

nervous

premises from

forbids to

Davis

top

dwell,and

to
persisting
to

bottom, but

scrutinise and
on

the
rummage
this characteristic tedious-

as mainlyaffecting
himself,
particularly
such as the flow of blood from his nose, and two coagulated
eyes, from
the cellar door, througha peculiar
of lookingfor every thingin a
whim
that Mr.
state of absolute obscurity.I may
add, by way of incident,
Davis walks lame from a canine injuryin the calf of his leg,which I
ness

hope

will not

prove

more

rabid,in

introduced
responsibility

own

the
on

Ladyship's
pardon for the

your
incarnate.

at

end,
"

but the animals

he

has

from

such

aberration

Davis.

construction would

mild

extraordinaryextravagance of conduct,
of mind

in the

his

reallyresemble,begging
premises,
what are denominated
D.'s
expression,

Such, your Ladyship,is the unpropitious

posture of domestic
the Shrubbery,originating,
from the
I must
say, exclusively
deviations of Mr.

on

the

but
individual,

affairs
cedented
unpre-

infer,

or
flightiness,

deeplylament

to say

THE

fether of
hearth

tiths.

trooth

was

was

trew.

was

resin.

unsettil

swum.

seamed

slipor
perfeclyunconshunable,and

was

that the

meself

bran

weather

no

the Hirish

meself then

CONPLAGRATION".

My

ren.

did not

and

"

heals.

my

ginny

GREAT

thowsend

But

sich
mite

wack,

could

long Tim

rooted

no

hed

my

or

koUect

more

I cud

befor

dredful

on

the

to

perswade

fire is enuff

to

role

wons
over
our
beds,and not
I was
prodeuce sich a bio to the constitushun.
barleysensible. The
I cam
to the perrygraft
Currier dropt from my hands wen
witch says
of Communs
end.
The Hous
Our hops are
at an
is a boddy of
Flams, and so is the Hous of Pears ! The Lords will be dun !"
Honnerd
Sur, I beg to kondole as becums on yure missin yure seat.
hav
bean
It must
the suddinest of shox, " jestwen
goin to sit after
ears

"

standin for the hole county, on yure hone

I do hop and trust it will not be yure

But

I do

hop

emty

rummer

it is

onely an
pictup at

At
publickHous.
an
encinderycrisus

sum

such

frend wood

wust

our

at your sole expens.

futting,
as
sum
dissolushun,
report;

be

General

Elixion,
by stirrin up inflametorypeif there was
ple,particly
a long pole. You
see,
Sir Jacob, I konker
in
sentashus

evvery

mint

in yure
The

respected

Letter.

Yolkano

menshun

you

sente-

I can

enter

into. Theresa

greatdeal
in
sperits
the country that onely
wants
a
spark to conof combustibul

them

vart
-

"

and

evvery

into catarax

I greave

say

tle
litinflammetory

demy
and

to

is nust,
has the caudle support

Gog

of certin
pappers.
countenins the nashunal

GENKRAL

Im
aspec

alludin to the Press.

There

two

is

its brinks.

gratestPublick

Vesuvus

under

Evvery

our

Housis

can

man

be

moor

There

feat,and

reflective

day.

see

rockingand swinging.

next
prospex
gennerashun but
had a grate menny
low thorts,for wat
our

this sort of

From

friteful evvery

gitsmoor

for the

loss of

ELECTION.

must

say

I hav

then the
dispiritin

is nothin cumfortable.

step bringsus

evvery

no

we

are

to

nearer

virginon

prccipus.
Honnerd
and

studid

ticlcr in

Sur ! In the

mean

tim I hav

its epistlery
derecshuns,witch

to the
fulfiling

utmost

xtcnt.

pade

atenshuns

I hav

made

If the most

to yure

meself

letter,

very

par-

zellus effuts have

THE

to wish

sucksedid

not
on

and

me,

GREAT

humbly beg to blame but wat

peples shears will visit their

other

hope

axident with

the springgun
settin it himself,his tumblin

along with

dore

his shot
in too

they cauld

and
he

was

very

honner

wood

refus
which

leavs

be

not

Sur

"

whits

for two

who

Sam,

days. I may say

got badly woundid

another

after

the lik
wile

sanguineconflic

to
promistin yure honners nam
but
vigilings, they stedfistly
dusk, tho they ar agrebleby daylit,
wood
for Firegards,
as
strangemen

ends

theaves,even

waukd

to there

insistid

on

wun

there

as
pillers

swetharts there's

duzzen

I can't

to

say
in
gettin at

minds

me

nothin

give them

xcept

backy-box,with

cruckid

lock

domesticatted
all

car

Becos I luck
dangeruswurk.
to the banesters
to ketch my
strings

after

As

wamin.

and
I

wen

for the

I ketchd

sixpens,a

is

them,

on

in the kitchen, and I'm

the cook's bo

luvers

did

to set up

there beds, and

on

but he
fosfrus,
taler's thimbel, and a tin

pocketsfor

of hare witch

servents

lites in their hands

tuck

rowt.

mad

I tried the Currier

they all give me

winder, and sercht his

gitthe

they

if they hadn't

their allarmin

on

contaned

sorry I cood not

nite runnin.

am

for

but it didn't wurk

sorry

After Bamea

be lade to his hone

trusswurthy.

Honnered
for

The

for their

after

moor

at my

me

mine.

fall

may
beds.

I have

hansumly

padrolanny

to

and

apprehendinwon

boath

them

I sent

for the rest of his

for incinderies.

mistake

reword

over

the wier must

to Sanders

the stax, by

wotchin

no

is dew
hone

to sea
to him,
surgings
so that he is certin of a
good dressin,but
I
about
t
ill
tolled him yure
a
gitting livin,

him

settle on

of the other

by

moor,

neglex of

was

legs.

down-harted

axident

363

CONFLAGRATION.

match

not

the

feer of

mades

fut,and I

have

with

candels
twice

It

cook's.

they

tie

pitchtfrom

the bed to the fut of the

I

stars.

with
riting

am

and
my forrid brandid
brown pepperd,and my
rite hand
from

in

poltus

gropping

dark

for

in the

in

the

cumbustibils

cole

seller,and

nothin
diskivering

but

the torturous

and

her

kat

kittings.

Honnerd

Sur

six capitol
gees
but

am

weather
the

verry

they

weary

them

got

bargin,
dubbius
possess

propperty that

to make
and

"

ort

wakful

of nites. The

^"^"^^
*^=
"^^**
"'^^^^
be
may
hav
lost. The Roman
wood
certinly
gees you menshun
hone
be
stolen without a cakeling,
themselvs to
as
our

old

specious

''^^'^

"'*''-"

sufferd

newer

did

too

nites

364
for the

As

ago.

gudgment.
they

they

other's

each

on
propensites

in the bread.
and

rag,
I

curcases.

mourning,and

the next

before

Bui

flew in

candied,they

be

dogs,to

to much

was

let lose

were

to deth

wotch

There

CONFLAGRATION.

GREAT

THE

the rest

he

was

evvery

Sur

Accordin

"

sum

bits

kild.

be

to ad it hung
s

tak the law if he isn't made

to

to orders I tuck Johnson

nite to the

Gorge,and

told him

ot

suppirand

Punch.

allwaysan

was

but

full of bad

so

In

and
fire,
horse at

good, as

vallyble.

verry

Honnerd

lament

caning
wurrid

was

lied and shot the bucher

off of its hone

thretind

were

obligatedto

and

in liftinit up it went
and he has
the gait,

their

too

say

itf

errers

fust nite

verry

began to vent

regretto

ingeriesin there vittles they were

shuttingSeazer with the blunderbush,I

all

were

The

lov nonsins

about

caul

to
*

As

he

yet

deary-made,so

the

for wat

man
suspishus

he

likt,witch

diskivered notliin

as

that its uncertin

weather

for by sum
he is a dillygate
or
say a desinin won,
he allwaysmanniged to make
drunk fust,and genneartful meens
me
not

rallylent

hand

to

aney
I think it

home.

me

carry

I told the landlord

and yure Honner

wood
pay
of Mr. Tapper to let him

wantid

thinghe

have

I shood

; but

the

to let him

skore,but

run
unprudent
up to ten
has
Johnson
a
pound. But it isn't all drink,but eatingas well
very
is
stix
tabel
there
and
the
to
as
meet.
as
long
appetit, always
glutinous
Honnerd
Last fridymorning there was
Sur
grateriotism and sines
and accordin I lost no time in berryinthe plaitas
of the populus risin,
derected by yure ordirs. I am
to say the disturbans turned out
gratifid
fit; but owen
to our
hurry and allarm,the spot
onely a puggleistical
We
have sinse dug
the plaitwas
berrid went
out of our heads.
ware
turnin up anny
thingin its shape.
up the hole srubbery,but without

was

"

"

But

it cant

srubs

be

will

trust it is

lost,tho' it isnt

all di from

onely his

Honnerd

Sur

shure to brake

old

The

"

out

to

be found.

sesin
being transplantedat unpropper
grumblinstilewitch he cannot gitover.

^but I

"

is to

wust

suner

latter,so

or

In casis of Fire the trooth is

cum.

varnish

the

gardnerswares

The

I may
tail.

as

well

cum

to the

cat-

This

to
on
strophywithout any
morning,according
my
the littel faggitstak,fust takin the precaworder,I hignitted
yure
with buckits,from the
of drawin
shuny meshure
up a line of men
the
of
Nothin
to
sene
can
lay therefor on my
dux-pond
combusting.
for bear, wen
sholders : it all riz from the men
they ort to hav
striking
I
to
bean handin warter
another.
felt my deuty
to won
argy the pint,
cussin and discussin
which
I trust will be apruved,and wile we
were
unitted pours to subdo.
To conthe fire got a hed that defide all our
fess
all lokt up in a stabble with a shy
the fax, the fire inguns ware
we
key that had lost itself the day before,and was not to be had wen
could
the
that
have
wurkd
wantid to lay hands on it. Not
we
inguns
of hands.
if they had faverd with their presens, for want
Evvery boddy
had run
offen at the allarm bell that they got noboddy to go in there
so

steed.

It

thingafter

was

h awful

an

another

fritefulviolins.

as

Were

sune

site ; the
as

devo

wring

cotched,and

the fingerof

ellemint swallerd

rushed

Providins

won

alongroringwith

is the hand

as

does

we

HUGGINS

it,but

not

must

arrange
Heavin
bel Bee."
sow

the

the barn

it wood

the him

as

365

DUGGINS.

"

says,
direx the winds,and not

submit

must

we

and

huni-

As itblue towards

us.

the

cotchd,and that cotchd the foul housis,and then

cotchd with all the straw, and the granery cotched next, witch
had puld down
not have dun if we
the Cow
Hous that stud

piggrysune

That

between.

runnin

AND

all the

was

with

about

cotching,
excep

flaimin

the

from
hay-stax,

tale to his smoak-frock.

At

Jenkins

last,by

to burn it was
no
moor
blessin,when there was
got under and squentbe
of
ched itself,
lif or lim.
Another
comfit
givenwithout loss
prays

ia all bein inshured

in the

will not

refus to make

hone

and

ax

will ketch
couldn't

bustibils

hold of

deni

gud
But

deeds.
a

on

the

to kiver

ground that

fire ofiicisare

pokt into the

of rags,

it ; and
it was

sumtimes

burningstraw, and if fax

bundil

Sun, enuff

I shud

verry

were

hop they
by our
and
unlibberal,

dun

put

wilful

on

matchis,candel ends,and

and
faggits,

litin up

then

with

my

their oths I
other

hone

com-

hand,

dun
consienshusly
eazy, it was
to reflect
for the best,though turnd out for the wust, and am
gratifid
fulfild evvery particler
that I hav omitted nothin,but have scruppleusly
and in hap of approvalof the saim,await
of yure honner's instruxions,
Tim

In the meenwile

will sho.

am

the faver of furthir commands, and am,

Honnerd
Sur Jacob,
Your

and obedient Servint,

humbel, faithful,
Roger

Davis.

LIGHT-FINGEREO.

Two

swains

Are

Each

clowns

POPE.

AFTER

PASTORAL

but

"

call them

swains

SalisburyPlains,
all that tend on sheep as drovers.
to lovers,
turned to songsters,
or

keepingflocks

While
For

or

DUGGINS.

AND

HUGGINS

on

of the lass he call'd his

Began

to carol loud and

dear.

clear.

"

366

HUGOINS

DUGOINS.

AND

First Huggins sang, and Duggins then.

In the way of ancient shepherd men
;
thus alternate hitch'd in song,
Who
"

thingsby turns, and nothinglong.

All

HUGGINS.

Of

about
girls

allthe

There's

one

place,

our

and face

all in fomi

beats

Search

throughall Great

You'll

onlyfind

and

Peggy

one

Little

Bumpstead,

Plumstead.

DUGGINS.

To groves and streams I tell my

the cliffsrepeat her name
I make
The

giUsand

I'm

"When

flame

by
inspired
noggins.
SallyHoggins!

rocks re-echo

FOLLOW

MV

LEADER.

HUGGINS.

Wlien

am

I think of
I'd
But

carve

walkingin the
Peggy as I rove.

her

name

I don't know

on

my

every

grove,

tree,

A, B, C.

HUGGINS

AND

36?

DUGGINS.

DUGGINS.

Whether
I think
I'd

in hill or

I walk
of

siugher praise,but

No

valley,
Sally.

nothingelse but

song, except

God

"

sing

can

the

save

King."

HUGGINS.

does all nymphs

My Peggy

all confess she bears

And

excel.

the

bell,
"

she goes swains flock together.

sheepthat follow the bellwether.

Where'er
Like

DUGGINS.

Sallyis tall and not too straight,

Those very poplarshapesI hate ;
But somethingtwisted like an S,
A crook becomes
a shepherdess.
"

"

HUGGINS.

When

Peggy'sdog her

emprison,

arms

hisn ;
I often wish my lot was
often I should stand and turn.
How
To

get

pat

hands

from

like hern.

DUGGINS.

I tell Sail's lambs

To

stand

But

about

when

And

won't

how

and stare

look, she

bear

blest

they be.

at she ;

turns

and

but their

none

shies.
I
sheep's-eyes

HUGGINS.

she goes,
goes with Peggy where
her smile the gardengrows ;
Beneath

Love

Potatoes
'Tatoes

and cabbagestarts,
spring,
have eyes, and cabbagehearts

"

DUGGINS.

Sallygoes it'salways Spring,

Her presence brightens
every thing;
her grinis.
but where
The sun
smiles bright,
look like guineas.
It makes brass farthings
Where

HUGGINS.

For

Peggy

And
As

have

can

She's sometimes

as

joy,
sometimes

coy,

wayward tricks.
sheepwith ticks.

keeps me, by
comfortless

no

kind, and
her

368

DIDACTICS.

DOMESTIC

DUGGINS.

June

Sallyis ripeas
And
For

yet

cold

as

she's asked

when

"

May,
day ;
changeher lot,

to

Sally,she

^but

wool,

Lamb's

or

Christmas

as

wool

not.

HUGGINS.

Only
I'd

with

never

Peggy
wish

and with

for state

havinghealth

Talkingof

health,
wealth

or

and

I'd drink her health if I had

more

pence,

fourpence.

DUGGINS.

Oh, how that day would seem to shine,

banns were
If Sally's
read with mine ;
when
She cries,
such a wish I carry,
"

Marry

come

up !" but will not

'^'X

f^^X

RAMSAY

It is not often when

DIDACTICS.
AN

OLD

Nine

SERVANT.

descend

that

; it is

areas

John

doubt, from mortal

events,as Winifred

fact."

go so low
in the habit of

they

into

as

that they were

nevertheless,
certain,
visiting
guised,
Humphreys, in the kitchen,of No. 189, Portland -Place,disno

all

the

SHEPHERD.

GENTLE

DOMESTIC
BY

marry.

Perhapsit

was

Jenkins

eye,

as

says,

seamstresses
"

they were

the rule of the house

charewomen

or

never

to allow

no

"

at

ketch'd in the
and
followers,

370

DOMESTIC

and

money.
accustomed
so

scholar,and
Poet

with

The
merits

of

to read

that he

Horseman,

Editor

that there
to walk

the poetry ought to have heen

truth is, John's master
was
a

wages,
The

the

not

his

from

made

were

DIDACTICS.

Pegasus, and

of

of

dreamt

never

is too diffident to volunteer

one

to

as

to say

"

John

behind.

What's

life but

With
With

BROKEN

DISH.

full of

and

care

doubt.

all its fine

humanities.
walk
about.

parasolswe

and
Long pigtails

such vanities.

We

plantpomegranitetrees and things,

And
go in gardenssporting,
With
toys and fans of peacock's
wings,
To paintedladies courting.
We

gatherflowers
And

of every

hue.
for fishes,
paintedblue,

fish in boats

Build

summer-houses

But

"

life'sas frail as dishes.

Walking about

their groves of trees,

bridgesand blue rivers.

Blue
How

littlethoughtthem

They'd both

WRITTEN

Oh

ON

Peace

THE

! oh

be

ODE

TO

NIGHT

OF

with

come

two

smash'd

Chinese,

to shivers

PEACE.
MISTRESs's

MY

and

me

ROUT.

GRAND

dwell

"

But stop, for there's the bell.

Oh

Peace
On

! for thee I
go and

Wednesday, when
In loft or pew
ring,the tarts

sit in

churches.

there's very

few

"

Another
Oh

Peace

Hush

Oh

! there's

Peace I thou
The

Oh

Peace ! thou

Peace

That'^s Lord

from

come

marriagecarriage.
best of earthly
goods"

Woods.

some

I adore

"

more.

child of solitude and

Drum's

Birch's.

avoided

art the Goddess

come

! thou

art the

five Miss

There
Oh

are

! for thee I have

footman,

classical

associate

Footman.

elaborate criticism of the

an

but he presumes
Humphreys as a Bard
several Authors, of the present day, whom

THE

stopped,

quiet

for he loves

"

riot.

thus

much,

ought

not

Oh
Knocks
Oh

Peace

That's
Oh

Peace !

will not

! thou

cease.

band.
"Weippert's

Peace ! how

Peace

gladI

! oh

Peace

! with

Peace

And

I've

now

Oh

Peace !

of coaches.

"

Oh

Peace

show'd

Peace

That

serene

worldlyshyness,
Highness!

in

"

disdain

do not

train,

menial

amongst the

silent place,and lone,

and

you

Where

won't be far behind

! if you

To dwell
I have

Portsoken,

from

there for his Serene

way

Oh

comes

"

Gobble

Peace

np

Guzzle

If that is Alderman

Oh

wander,
Lady Squander,

Captain Hare.
art the slumber of the mind,
and unbroken,
and quiet,
here

Untroubled,calm

Make

"

the stair.

her up

seen

! thou

Alderman

stops
carriage
Blenkmsops.

thee I love to

but

"

"

another

wait tillI have

But

thy approaches

welcome

It's earlyfor the

Oh

plann'd"

comfort

for human

wert

I hear the sound

Oh

371

DIDACTICS.

DOMESTIC

call our

I may

tumult

makes

never

business have

Susan, what

Peace ! but there is

At

variance with his wife

that

And

that

entry

you

in my

"

pantry?

Major Monk,

Oh

And

own
an

Peace !

Oh

"

Vander

Trunk,
greatGerman,
Miss
talker.
Apreece ;
great

poets'
quills
their
quadrilles
They'rejustbeginning
Oh

Peace

dear to

so

"

"

Oh

Peace

I wonder

Oh

"

no

put

^but here

Peace

I have

greatestrenovator

our

where

waiter

my

Ode

my

"

"

I'llcease

peace to write of Peace.

LINES

FEW

ON

serious sense,

I reflect with

When

While
How

soon

FORTY-SEVEN.

COMPLETING

years and years run

be summon'd
I may

on.

hence

"

John.
There's cook a-calling
Onr

lives

On

We're

are

built

frail and

so

sand and not

on

at
hourly standing

There's

some

one

bb2

poor.

rocks.
Death's door

double-knocks,

"

35^

DIDACTTCS.

POMESTie

"

days have

All human
Our

fates

settled teniis,
cannot force ;

we

will feiiKi
the

This flesh of mine

to lunch

They'recome
And

when

of

"

course.

body'sturned

my

worms

clay.

to

dear friends hear my knell,

O let them givea sighand say
And

"

I hear the

TO

bell.
upstairs

HOUSEMAID,

MARY

valentine's

ON

Mary, you know

And, though I
I don't

on

pen

saves

And

you,
a

many

May
Yuor

such

the

courting
way.
feature,
beingvain,

form'd your

from
p'rhaps,

unhappy

poor

wish that she

virtues would

day,

conscience

flirting,my

Though Beauty hasn't

It

love-nonsense,

no

on

mean

writingin

Or

I've

day.

not

creature

half

was

rise

as

plain.

inch,

an

Although your shape was two foot taller.

And
wiselyyou let others pinch
waists and feet to make

Great
You

From

But,

red by
getting

hands

your

household

is a moral

coarseness

Susan

And
But

spare

smaller.

duty

doingall that it commands.

Their
Let

try to

never

them

flourish her fair arms

at your

odd

legssneer

let her

That

beauty.

and

scofi^.

laugh,for you have charms

nobody knows nothingof.

WHAT

ODD

LEGS

373

SEE-VIK\T

PAIN

IN

A
A

"I

STARES.

BROAD

PLEASURE-BOAT
ECLOGUE.

SEA

apprehendyou!"

School

"

of

Reform.

Boatman.
Shove

shipthe rudder,Bill

off there !

"

"

Mrs.
She's under

what

"

cast

off ! she's under

way

F.

hope she's not !

what
goodgracious,

spray I

Boatman.
Run

out the

jib,and

rigthe boom

Mrs.
I

hope they don't

intend

some

keep clear

of those two

brigs!

F.

joke by runningof

their

rig8!

Boatman.

Bill,shiftthem bags of

ballast aft

"

Mrs.
Great

bagsof stones !

she's rather out

of trim !

F.

they're
pretty thingsto helpa

boat to swim

374

pain

in

pleasure-boat.

Boatman.
wind

The

is fresh

if she don''tscud,it'snot the breeze's fault !

"

F.

Mrs.
Wind

fresh,indeed,I

felt the air

never

full of salt !

so

Boatman.

Schooner,Bill,hara't left the

That

roads,with oranges

Mrs.
If

have

seas

and

nuts

F.

roads,they'revery rough

"

felt such ruts !

never

Boatman.

Mrs.
The

bar !

what,

couldn't pass the bar.

heavy lade,and

It'sneap, ye see, she's

roads with

F.

turnpikestoo

? I wonder

where

they are

Boatman.
Ho

brigahoy ! hard

up

! hard

! that lubber

up

Mrs.

hard up
yes,
Lord, there's a wave

Yes,

F.

upon a rock ! I know

in ! and
! it'scoining

"

steer !

cannot

near
danger's

some

roaringlike

bull !

Boatman

Nothing,Ma'am,

but

Mrs.

What,

Bill ! keep her

large.

little slop! go

keep her full ! what

full !

F.

daringwork

! when

she
full,

go down

must

Boatman.

Why, Bill,it lulls! ease

Steadyyour helm ! we'll

off

bit

it's coming off the town

"

clear the Pint !

Mrs.

Be

steady well,1 hope they can

lay rightfor yonder pink !

! but

"

they'vegot a pintof

drink !

Boatman.

Bill,givethat

sheet another

haul

she'll fetch it up this reach.

"

Mrs.
I'm

rather pale,I know,

getting

I wonder

what

it

is,now,

F.

and

but

they
never

see

it by that

felt so

speech!

queer !

Boatman.

Bill,mind

your

luff

Keep

! we're

"

why Bill,I

say, she's yawing

Mrs.
near

"

^keepher

F.

goingfurther off; the land's behind

our

backs.

Boatman.
Be
We

near

'cause we
tacks :
easy, Ma'am, it'sall correct,that's only
about
shall have to beat
a bit,"Bill,
keep her out to see.

Mrs.
who

Beat

about

keep

"

who

at

375

PLEASURE-BOAT.

IN

PAIN

F.
?

sea

black

how

"

look

they

at

me

Boatman.
round
It's veering

I knew

"

it would

! oflFwith

Mrs.
her head ! whose?

Off with

her head

! stand

by

F.

where?

with?

what

an

axe

shall have

to

"

to

seem

spy!

Boatman.
She

can

t not

keep

her own,

see

you

Mrs.

They'lldrown

me,

and

take

we

pull her

in !

F.

all I have

life'snot

! my

worth

pin !

Boatman.

Look

out

you

know,

be

ready,Bill

justwhen

"

Mrs.
The

sand

"

Lord

! to

stop

F.

mouth

my

she takes the sand !

! how

every

thingis plann d

Boatman.
The

handspike,Bill" quick,bear

hand

Mrs.
"What

! an*'t I

Well,

Heaven

Ma'am, juststep ashore

F.

and
going to be killM
! but I'll not
be praised
"

STERNE

! now

welter d in my
go

MARIA.

sailing
any

gore ?
more

876

SPENT
The

Ball

is

BALL.

flyingball.""

Gray.

round, but not a perpetualround, of pleasure. It

like that from the cannon's mouth
spendsitself at last,
; or rather,like
that greatest
of balls, that great globeitself,"
is dissolved with all
a

"

that

"

it inherits."

Four

o'clock strikes.

musicians

"

"

put

remain, that

company
their absence.

with

up

have

The

never

been

are

danced, and

all but

their exercise.

thing.
familycircle.
every

the mouth
Tunnel.

the

few

however,
^''figures"

the

hostess, who

urbanityand turbanity,
kindlyhopesthat they will
set more."
The six figures
jump at the offer ; they
get the fiddlers into

and

gone,

stand up
"

for

the

wake

is all
"

one

Harp,"

"

fresh scrape, and " the Lancers

are
put througli
This may be called the Dance
of Death, for it ends

The

band

It is

of Mamma

Papa,

is

disbanded,and

longpast the time

the Ball takes

when

opens to a bore, that

the Ball has been
to whom

the form

of

church-yardsyawn, but
giveshopes of the Thames

anythingbut

force-meat

the first eatables he can

catch, and with his
one, seizes eagerly
upon
his
mouth
in
of an " Examiner
and
the
spirit
open
eyes shut,declares,
*'
into such things,
that a
Partyis the madness of many for the gainoi
"

The

tired of a suit of broad cloth cut narrow,

heartily
for his curled
further use
and havingno
proposition,
head,laysit quietlyon the shelf. The daughterdroops; art has had
her Almack's, and nature establishes a Free and Easy. Grace throws
a

few."

assents

to

the

son

378

LITERARY

! Burdett

Peel ! Sadler ! Wilberforce

Grey !

Horton

! Wilmot

Hume
Think

LITERAL.

AND

of your

prose

and verse, and

worse

delivered in

"

Hog's Norton

"

Hog's Norton Athenaeum

her society
Framed
With
some
variety
Roscoe's Liverpool
museum
;

The

founder

From

Mr.

of

for
pic-nic,

the mind's

Not

But

temptingto the solid

mere

repast,

knife-and-forker,

It held its sessions in the house that last

killed

Had

It chanced

porker.

one

Friday,

big hog,
A perfectGog or Magog of a pig-hog.
of course
made
Which
a literary
high day,
One

Farmer

Grayley stuck

Not

that

Farmer

With
When

our

tastes"
literary

he heard

""

Or

was

'tis

so

mention

I'LRASANT

SURE

very

to go

man

far from

TO

SEE

With
Was

him

was

ONe's

SELF

IN

PRINT

'em
shooting
quitea log.

Lalla-JRooM,he always was

In fact in letters he

'em^
suiting

of Professor Crowe,

great Bacon

taken,
literally

for

LITERARY

And

Hogg

As

"

^the Poet

To

Fame,

only recognised

she had

herself

hung

"

daily,
Baillie !

Miss

balance

this,our Farmer's only daughter

water
a greattaste for the Castalian
Wordsworth
a
worshipper
Southey wooer,

Had
A

Hog

classic name,

one

thoughtthat

discuss'd and mention'd

Althoughthey were
And

379

LITERAL.

nothingbut

"

the list of

to all others on

He

AND

"

"

that deal in water-colour

(Though men
May

disbelieve the fact

She

The

more

The

secret

At

she

future

Of

dippedand

truth

truer)
nothing''s

dabbled

is,Hope,

deceiver.
hint.
apt
the Type-usFever,

Authorship

to

means

call

some

Miss

"

Hemans

Dreamt

Anne

be

burningto

laurels
learning's
"

in

seen

Joanna

Wilson

Mrs.

in the Lakes.

the old

was

Of Mrs.

And

cakes

got the hltier

Producingwhat
Which

yet

"

"

"

Priscilla Isabella

print.

Bailli""

daily
Grayley;

Fancy hintingthat she had the better

by one initial letter.
thoughtthe world would quiteenraptur d

Of L.E.L.
She

"Love

Lays

see

Lyrics

and

A. P. I. G."
with very greatpropriety.
Accordingly,
She joinedthe H. N. B. and double S.,
That is, Hog's Norton Blue StockingSociety
;
And
savingwhen her Pa. his pigsprohibited,
"

Contributed
Her

pork

This

and poetry towards

said,one

we
feast,

When

"

Screwinghis courage
Stuck a largeknife into
kind

Seldom

of murder

condemns

Showing the

And

swine

beg

"

*'

place,"
sticking

grunters

throat

:"

that the law's rebuke

by

shake

of its peruke.

littlesympathy of

With
The

the case.
Macbeth
to quote-

from

to the

mess.

Friday was

Grayley

farmer

the

hig-wigs

pig-wigs!

poor

wretch

!
"

with

its life,
resolved to have

nobody to speakfor it,

a

squeak

for it ;

380
So

^likethe fabled

"

died

"

invitation to the

And

when

the time

N.

fact,and

came

"

each

"

We

call a

not

Members

S/s,

NO

UP,

all assembled

it,
that bonnet

HOLIDAY

thus,a

rare

woman

At

pork and poetry was

chosen chairwoman

In

fact,the bluest of the

Blues,Miss

Whose
She

whole

pronunciation
alwaysnamed the authoress
As Mrs; Tiggeyl

And

now

What
Bacon

author
or

questionof

for

Hogg
But

While

was

arose

"

dresses.

Lady," in
Pig-faced
poke.

B.IEAK1NG

The

double

joke,
jestupon
might fairly

Although the Muse

They

B. and

and swinish
appropriate
a

*'

the ham

it, when

has

the close of

At

"

"

in the H.

For lo ! it is

"

"

readyto disposeof.
too, to cram,
chit'lings

and
pettitoes

All in

duly,

came

day," as Beattie
Bacon, and pork were
Walked

card,

eveningrout.

The

And

singingout,
yard

the farmer's

that notified without

note

An

swan

thus,there issued from

And,

LITERAL.

AND

LITERARY

lecture

? there

more

of

the

was
no

"

Ikey,

piggy.
Psyche'*"^
"

moment,

some

for Fliicher

some

others,with

were

so

"

richer,
for Beaumont,

votes
;

reasoning,
sagacious

Proposed another work.

And

Would

prove

thoughttheir pork
1
from Thomson's Season-ing
more
relishing

LITERARY

AND

381

LITERAL.

But, practisedin Shakspearian readingsdaily,

O ! Miss Macaulay !
Shakspeare at Hog's Norton
"

Miss

Selected
In

Priscilla Isabella

Anne
him

that
make

short,to

evening to

The

Winter's
Her

Were
Of

course,

Till fanned
She
But

on.

and
at

not

her

round, with
sitting

All

snort

big tale,
fancy
exerting
and
talents,
converting
Tale to something like a pig-tale
!
sister auditory.
story

our

Just
Her

Grayley

grave

and

learned

faces,

very plauditory.
clapped her at the proper places;
once

by

fortune

and

the

Muse,

thought herself the blessedest of Blues.

Happiness, alas ! has blightsof ill.

And
There
The

Pleasure's
is

no

heart

in the

bubbles

air

explode ;

"

travelling
through life but
with

will meet
With

that

breakers

on

still

the road !

peculiarvoice

only from Hog's Norton throats and noses.

Miss G., with Perdita, was
making choice
for her summer
Of buds and blossoms
posies,
that
where
When
to
line,
Proserpine
coming
Heard

Lets

fall her flowers

Imagine
Uprose on
Grunting
"Do

Diss

from
this

the wain

of Dis ;

"

legsold Farmer Grayley,

this questionfor the club's digestion,
Waggon go from the Ould Baaley?**
his hind

I-

ACCIDENT.

THE

There's

you

him,

to

you
some

he's

months

for

you,

be
you'll!

"

with

up

for

brute

to

to

go

fractions.
sects

Don't

"

he'll

"

lay

gentlemen

in

up

the

on

dirt,and

into his

get

think

faces of the poor,

by the Crowner

like

you

You

are

Murdered

tell the

over

over

you

gallop over

to

you

Wilful

and

you

as

people
f
hirriyor you

run

grind the

top

scrunch

coach, ma'am

the

hard-hearted

will,the inhumane

he

months,

and

do

the

for

respect

no

you'd

"

compound

into

bones

their

no,

created

wasn't

Women

not

to
way
better run

Christians, you

people an't common

do. Ay, cut away,
day ! I'll keep

poor

^that's the

"

"

call out

won't

moment

every

Book.

villain
go, you
little boy in the road

There

expected her

it out, and

\^rould ride

never

Sketch

Naval

"

"

she

thought

We

"

pieces."

hospitalfor
varmin

"

had
run
parallelwith the
speaker,a little active old woman,
coach some
fiftyyards, when it stopped to take up a lady who was
as
prompt as ladies generallyare, in giving dinner instructions to the
cook, and settingdomestic lessons to the housemaid, besides having to
pack a parcel,to hunt for her clogs,to exchange the cook's umbrella
The

for her

door-mat,
he

"

run

it

line
I've

Burrowes,
think

of

art

You

the

Look

silence till

and

assailant

her

at

She

ago.

not

his

with

and

figure now,
had

never

waist

must

with

one

He's

of the

allude

on

done

till I

experiments
"

the roof.

Not

by

accidental

little in the

Miss

death

of

to

and

Need,
be

To

Jack.'

You

one

sure,

person,

he's

got
I

now

and

she

fractured

her

"

without

born

woman

in

limbs, pYaps ?"

there was
such thing,"said Mat,
No
her
to
as
limbs, it was
running over
"

"

Friend

Fatal

cause

common."

to

the
'

called

the innocent

was

out

I have

over

for it.

it,I

"

these

make

to

apt

very

elderlyquaker

an

inquiredone of the outsides.

nothing fractious in the case
the impossible thing with
"

very
the road,
All
I've been
the
on
mentioning.
years
kill on the spot ; them
o'things belongs to
sort

drives

as

name

rather

was

to

come

never

quite a

months

Mat

answered

nothing worth

"

Virago
face

to

still poured

the box.

gratitude.

said
figure,"

means,"

no

six

was

hope, friend,thee

the human

on

the

imperturbable

most

reduced

thus

Mat,

volleywhich

her."

over
"

I call

that's what

at what

look

the

escape

kept

children.

seven

gentlemen,"said he, pointingat

There,

whip

he

but

to

fairlyseated again on

was
"

unable

was

him

in upon

to kiss all her

and

own,

Biffin," said

the

outsider

legs
"
"

and

the

arms."
Norfolk

phenomenon."
"

Begging

your

pardon," said Mat,

was

started.

It

was

and

I drove

it

myself.

one

of the

Very

"

it

before

the

Phenomenon

long-bodieddouble-coaches,
they were
; for springs at that

regularold
uneasy

was

THE

hadn't

time

much

spring in 'em
Piccadilly. You

Macadaming
the

stones,

off, and

or

in

for coaches

"

wasn't

days
such

nobody

could

tell whether

always
I

had

earth

on

was

of

were

you

hour

full

thought
behind

on

time

them

called

by

meters
Chrono-

as

names

and

mistake.

no

363

ACCIDENT.

and

Regulators,
good reason
why.
I'd been
plying a

and
So

hour

full

after

without

except

for

down

last,

at

Jarvey

and

man
water-

Well,

with

up

time

my

team

wasn't

into
and

"

the easiest

the

the

coach

over

the
the

on

to

the

box,

me

of

out

not

unsensible, and
"

To

bellows.
the

at

the

Well,
bottom

head

be

their

on

sure

opening
She

counsel
she

hadn't

but. Lord
a

leg

the

did," answered

with

B.

said

to

up,

insides
breath

for

the

the

door,

coach,

the

but

and

Miss

of oysters !

barrel

of the

out

one

I opens

of

of my

elderly Quaker,

till I

rattle

my

come

waiting

was

almost

was

do

what
Biffin

see

bruised

"

"

that

thou

didst

seats."

enough, without
Miss

pull

to

sorry

hope, friend,"

do

replace them
"

Park
very

my

lying together

springing

I goes,
Comer, where

"Well, away

Hyde

and

"

shook

so

stones.
at

S\RUM.

OLD

PORTRAIT

FANCY

jumped

gate

it

thing
keep

world
seat

to

nished
asto-

gallop

light

and

enough,

bit of

for

the

drag.

fetch

to

and

up,

Biffin

my

one's

lifts Miss

off I sets

in

tomer
cus-

road

hackney-

pulls

load

the

coach

into

side,
in-

barrel

natives

of

time,

soul

their

talked
bless
stand

of

you,

upon

Mat,
mouths
an

when
!'*

and

"

but
;

action
it

came

the

oysters took

it didn't
for

go

it

quite so

quietly
smooth

damages, and consulted

to taking steps agin us,

384

BIUDS.

DICKY

SONNET.

of

I'm

fond

of black

I'm

fond

of wild

And
I'm

cocks,for
ducks, and

that set up

grouse
fond of

I'm

such

their

pheasantswith

of

fond

All these

Some
With
A
To

man

care.

of

woodcocks,

pipes.
splendid stripes
Whig or Tory
glory,
"

"

"

all their

types
Law-giving Peer,

Lordly Babel,
clause put in your
Bill,preciseand clear.
due and fit provisionto enable

when

And

in your

are

fond

cocks"

strange moorish

hares,whether from
in their
I'm fond of capercailzies
Teal, widgeons,plovers,birds in

I'm

of

snipes,
they'revery good

fond

I'm
partridges,

I'm fond

GAME-BILL.

HIS

ON

WHARNCLIFFE,

LORD

TO

you

next

that holds

address

all kinds

your

of game

so

dear

keep, like Crockford, a good Gaming

Table.

386

AccordinglyI

North.

that
merrily,

the fourth

on

"

verses

some

"

song?"

Gems, alludes

of

Gadzooks

that it sickened

"

Scotch

through the breeze," as Dibdin singsso

in sightof the prominent
morning we were

the Book

in
My Biographer,

infers from

advice,in

per

Bonny Dundee."

"

old Steepleof

shipped,as

soon

was

''^smacked

which

Smack,

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

! must

of the

me

this voyage, and

to the truth of

to
swear

one

be

Nothing can

sea.

more

enumerated
in the
disagreeables
who
the
to
ocean
me,
regard
belongto a
poem,
with a natural and national partiality.
Constitutionally
proofagainst
from the afflicted,
I
which extorts so many
that nausea
wave-oflPerings
in my
constant as Captain Basil Hall himself,
as
regard for the
am
tires." Some washy fellows,it is true, Fresh-Tnen
element
that never
and
the like,aifect to preferriver or even
from Cambridge
pond water
the
the prose to
to the wild wave,
for their aquatics the tame ripple
the multitudinous sea,"resting
But giveme
or
poetry of motion."
Memoods
and
variable
with
all
its
changeablecolouring.
rampant,
du
the
maladie
under
when
a hopeless,
sick,
pining
pays^ on
thought,
would
have
relieved
it
those
yearningsbut
bed, inland,in Germany,
that it
element
an
so instinct with
to look across
Englishassociations,
marine

The

unfounded.

and

terrors

Oliver,and

Miss

not

"

"

"

"

would

rather to unite

seem

And, truly,when

under
besides,personally

am,

Twice, indeed,in
with

it !

calm

in

and

the

But

great deep.

life been threatened

storm, has my

Channel.

catastrophe
; but that quarrelhas long been made
and bracinginfluence of
for the blessing
in gratitude
forgiven,

salt-water

up, and
fche breezes

that smack

delightaforetime

what

island.

native

my

actuallycrossed the
to
deep obligations

that I

afterwards

months

many

from

me

the brink of the dark blue sea,

on
not till
and it was
alreadyhalf fulfilled,

seemed

wishes

home-sick

my

to than sever

me

I did at last stand

landsman,

in

Even

tolerable boatsman.

Dislike the

brine.

ocean

I to swim

it,to dive in

Woodgate, of Hastings,who

honest Tom

Ask

of the
used

With

!
"

it,to sail on
of me,

do I feel

when

now,

when

made

sea

walking hard

for

in

so easy
the surge,

as
by
spirit,
but distant
of
some
friendly
whisperings
expecting
listening,
I have a
If
!
of
in
Sick
the
ever
sea
voices, its eternal murmuring.
fancy,it is a wish that the ocean brine had been sweet,
water-drinking

body, and

so

if

as

or

sour

cheerful in

instead

of

so
salt,

as

to

be

for what

potable;

temptingto the eye as a draught,than the pure

with clearness,
sandy scoop, or
as it lies in some

"

solar

Champaigne of
soothingsyrup have

the very
and

I not

contemplationof the boundless main, the

and often called in aid
of mental sedatives,
"

it has been my

wont

to recommend

in the

or a
depression,
owing to physical

my

personalvexations and

cares, real

water

or

most

be

more

invisible

rocky hollow, a

of the Desert,"to say nothingof the same

Diamond
and
its efilervescing
state,when it sparkles
up, hissing
"

wake
ship's

can

almost
fluid,

Above
derived

true

livingliquidin
bubblingin the
all,what
from

the

lectual
intelmere

effectual and innocent

of that

philosophy
practical

present work.

For

ever,
when-

discordant state of the nerves,

become
imaginary,

importu-

LITERARY

387

REMINISCENCES

in my

and acquire,
undue
an
thoughts,
by morbid exaggeration,
what
and
then
infallible
to
prominence
so
importance,
as
remedy
nate

in the look-out,
and
thence gaze awhile
in
till
the
that
of
vast horizon,
expanse,
presence
my
and
troubles shrink to their true proportions,
I look on the

mount

to

seat
solitary

my

the broad

across

proper

whole

of

race

!
shrimpers

Dundee,
Burns

"

"

it is called

as

their

pursuits,as so many
insignificant
made
We
have
the harbour of
digression
it is time to step ashore in
stout and original
Scotland,"
in
Doctor
his
German
edition of
by
AdolphusWagner,
this is

But

and

with

men,

*.

Like

other

had

I
shipments,

been

consignee
;
a hobbledehoy,
yet at the same
of having a relative in the same
a

but the

"

addressed
regularly

anxious,probably,to

not
latter,

time

and

under

not

take

the

of

care

chargeof

incur the

unwillingto

town

to the

reproach
roof,

same

peremptorilydeclined the office. Nay, more, she pronounced against

far as returning
to the place from
whence I
me
a capitalsentence,so
and even
proceededto bespeakmy passage and reship
came,
my luggage.

Judgingfrom

such

the temper of my
vigorousmeasures
customer,
I afilectedresignation,
instead of remonstrating,
and went with a grave
face throughthe farce of a formal leave-taking
went
on
board,
; I even
but it was
with a stout fellow who relanded my baggage;
in company
and thus,whilst my transporterimagined,
good easy soul ! that the
Abb's
off the
article
round
St.
was
Head, or rolling
rejected
sailing
Bass,he was actuallysafe and snug in Dundee, quietlylaughingin

his sleeve with the Law

three

meeting,some
road to

who
school,

off towards

who

The

no

confused

days afterwards,
a

recollection of

female

cousin

on

her

sightof me turned suddenlyround,and gallopped

speedof a scared heifer.

was

for

sons

to look

now

consideration"

into
accordingly
of his

one
a

but

own,

out

for

would

be treated

treatywith
in

comfortable

some

spiteof

as

roof,
of the

one

widower,
respectable

the

most

undeniable

Dupotet de Sennevoy and Doctor Elliotson,will doubtless be glad to be

Scottish Poet was
a believer in their magnetismalmysteries
inspired

Baron

informed,that
at

"

I entered

had

concern

which

family.

at

I have

at his back.
four

with the

home

first

My
under

or

the

"

least in the article of

reading

book

behind

the

back.

In

letter

to

Mr.

Robert

doubt but scholarcraft may be

is the followingpassage in proof. ** I have no
Ainslie,
for it
else can
friction.
How
itch
Scotchman
catches
the
as
a
caught,
by
you account
that born blockheads,by mere
dint of handling books, grow so wise that even
they them,
I once
cairied that
selves are
equallyconvinced of and surprisedat their own parts?
who
had
that
in
knot
of
a
to
that
folks,
a
library
amongst
country
degree,
philosophy
them, and who, to the honour of their good sense, made me factotum in the business ; one
of our members, a little wiselook,squat, upright,
body of a tailor,I advised him
jabbering
Johnnie took the hint,
his back.
instead of turningover
the leaves,
to bind the book on
Pricklouse
and
and as our
fourth
a good Scots mile
having
were
Saturday,
meetings
every
Bodkin
to lay his hand
to walk in coming,and of course
another in returning.
was
sure
on
some
heavy quarto or ponderousfolio ; with and under which, wrapt up in his grey plaid,
"

he

grew wise
Hebrew

musty
mere

he

grew

weary

He
carried this so far,that an old
way home.
had in a present from a neighbouringpriest,
by
do a blistering
plaster,between his shoulder s^

all the

Concordance, which

we

of applyingit as doctors
dozen pilgrimages,
acquiredas much
of
by fortyyears'perusal its pages."
cc2
dint

Stitch,in
don"

as

rational

theologyas

the said

priesthad

388

LITERARY

and
references,

generalaccordance

mysterioushitch

only

afterwards

came

to

whimsical

possession
pre-

knowledge namely,
inevitably

my

"

would
Englishladdie,instead of supping parritch,

an

requirea rump-steak
successful

beefeater.

She

was

sort of

My

next

not

was

of my

sure

boardingbeing a

husband
as
seafaring
of
unlike a personification

with

widow,

so

more

was

essay

installed in
beingregularly

Scotchwoman, who

"

in her appearance
not
her red eyes, her red face,her

dead," and

as

his breakfast !

to

in my

ended

; and

house,kept by

good

terms, there occurred

to

as

arisingfrom
arrangement;,

in the

which
that

REMINISCENCES.

yellowteeth,and her
rouge et noir,with
The first day of my term
black velvet cap.
happened to be also the
first day of the new
on
steppingfrom my bed-room, I
year, and
encountered

Hostess

our

like

"

witch

and

familiar

her

with

spirit
"

huge bottle of whiskey in one hand, and a glassin the other. It

to decline the dram she pressed
was
impossible
upon me, and very good
it proved,
time I could
and undoubtedly strong,seeingthat for some
and indeed,I was
its praisein expressive
only able
silence,
onlymuse
a

speak

to

Such
I

was

small

still voice

"

several minutes

for

characteristic introduction to the Land

my

afterwards.

Cakes, where

of

stances
destined to spendthe greaterpart of two
years, under circumand
influence
the
to
likely materially
filling
colouring
up of

was

future

my

"

with

life.
the

properlyestimate
at the Nore, as
fifteen,
To

dangersof

it were,

thus
life,

of

left

his

dependent on

conceive a
safe voyage
to the Isle of Man
; or
without
a
Mentor, brought suddenlyinto the
Telemachus,
for
pilotage

her

neighbourhoodof Calypsoand
expected,that

from

It will

enchantments.

half-dozen

some

of

position,
imaginea boy

my

juvenile
perilous

hardlybe

bachelors, there

of young

own

came

forth any solemn

voice didactically
warning me in the strain of the
sage Imlac to the Prince of Abyssinia. In fact,I recollect receiving
but
ten
"

serious admonition,and that was

solitary
I was
readingon
years old,that the Spectator

was

the

no

Bible."

For

there

in Scotland,though a

extant

Tolboothia Infelix,
for
It

was

once,

regime

at

an

an

however, my

gentleman

unseasonable
fortune

was

with quaintly
cut
figure,
old Greenwich

she cousin of

Sunday morning,

of this

piousrigour

longercommitted

no

promenade duringchurch
a
sample of the

to witness

of
evening party composed chiefly

fashionable persons, when

past with times present,there

very

still much

was

lo ! like

from

one

Anachronism

an

out

came

blue suit and

Pensioner,who

of

some

young

time.
ancien.
rather

times
confounding
corner

three-cornered

takinghis

and

to

an

hat,not

antique
unlike

stand in front of the

of formidable lengthon the thin

asked a blessing
circle,
deliberately
and butter,
the short cake,the marmalade, and the Pekoe tea.
And here,en passant^ it may be worth while to remark, for the benefit of

bread

our

Agnews

sanctimonious

and

the intrinsic value

Plumtres, as illustrating

that
pretension,

graces, and redundant

has
singing, yet bequeathedto

armlong

the

elder

Scotland,so

of such

renowned

for

psalmpreachments,and abundant
collection
liberal
a
posterity
singularly

LITERARY

389

REMINISCENCES.

of songs, the reverie of Divine and Moral, such as " can onlybe sung
when
the punch-bowl has done its work and the wild wit is set free *.**
had none
which, with all its chairs,
boarding-house,
the
t
o
Professor
of
Moral
In
absence
of
a
appropriated
Philosophy.
for myself,had gifted
such a monitor, nature, fortunately
with a
me
which
the languorof ill-health,
taste for reading,
to
me
inclining
to encourage.
Whatever
habits,helped materially
books,
sedentary
to
within
or
come
indifferent,
happened
reach,were
good, bad,
my
To return

to my

perused with

greatestavidity,and

the

however

indiscriminate

the

thence derived was

in
decidedly
course, the balance of the impressions
favour of the allegorical
lady,so wiselypreferred
by Hercules when he
had to make

Virtue

his election between

and

Vice.

Of

the material

I shall always regretthat I did not

appetite,
of halfpenny
collection
Ballads,the
curiositya
secure, as a literary
and
which
of
Grocer's
a
contained,
apprentice,
property
amongst other
version of Chevy Chase,wherein the victory
ferred
transwas
matters,a new
to the Scots.
In the mean
this
bookishness
for
time,
acquired
for scholarship
me
a sort of reputation
amongst my comrades,and in

that ministered

to

this

"

in divers
sometimes called into requisition,
my
pen was
consequence
and sometimes delicate cases.
tlie Gods had
Thus for one party,whom
not

made

I composeda
poetical,

education

had

reference

to

love-letterin verse

I carried
neglected,

been

on

tobacco manufactoryin which

he

for

another,whose
correspondencewith

was

partner;
sleeping

the hand now

whilst,on a graver occasion,
peacefully
settingdown
these reminiscences,
in
was
employed penninga most horrible peremptory
invitation to pistolsand twelve
till
nicked.
The
one
was
paces,
facts were
these.
A spicy-tempered
in a
captainof Artillery,
briefly
cashiered
w
ith
had
himself
either
a
dispute
by
superiorofficer, rashly

throwingup
Dundee,
by
however, he
at

for him

been

assume

Customs, which

post in the

the interest of his friends.

found

In this dilemma

his commission.

tearing
up

or

to

that instead of

To

he arrived

had been

procured

his infinite

indignation,
lucrative surveyorship,
he had
and magnificent
the rage
was

with

appointeda simple tide-waiter !

which he tore, trampled,
and danced

book

wherein

on

the little officialpaper

tick

off,bale by bale,a cargo of

a
day of this revelation,
hemp." Unluckily,on
the
local
those
and
on
was
Bank,
sapient
forgery
ries,
Dogberperpetrated
fit to take up our
the town officers,
saw
ex-captain,
persecuted
the simplegroundthat he was
the last strangerwho had entered
on
the town.
Rendered
almost frantic by this second insult,nothing
would
him
but calling
in his paroxysm
serve
somebody out, and he
As the state
pitchedat once on the cashier of the defrauded Bank.
of his nerves
would
not permit him to write,he entreated me
earnestly
to draw up a defiance,
which I performed,
of an agony
at the expense
of suppressed
merely to imaginethe effect of such a missive
laughter,
the man
of business
on
a
powdered,bald,pudgy, pacific
respectable
"

had

he

been

set to

infernal

the very

"

littlebody,with
clover.

no

more

idea of

"

result
the precise
forget
*

A.

"

goingout" than a cow

but certainly
there was

Cunningham.

in

a
no

field of

duel.

390

THE

OF

INVENTOR

PERRY,

TO

ODE

PEN.

PERRYAN

PATENT

THE

Finn
good work, Penn appears the greatest,usefullest of God's instruments.
when
and
soft
is
it
when
the
rigid
inflexibility
yielding
unbending
exigencyrequires
not
fluent and flowing,
at need, for eloquentrapidity slow and retentive
a desideratum,
in cases
of deliberation
going wide of the mark
or
never
spluttering
by amplification
itself out
rather in
if it can be helped,with
never
splitting,
any one, but ready to wear
hand
the
of Jew,
embrace
their service
all thingsas it were
to
with all men,
ready
or
Christian,
Mahometan," heavy with the German, lightwith the Italian,obliquewith
with the Hebrew,
the English,uprightwith the Roman, backward
in coming forward
and universal
in short,for flexibility,
constitutional durability,
generalability,
amiability,
Penn."
the
hard
it
be
to
find
would
t
o
a parallel
utility,
great
'*

In this

and

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

Perry's

O !

Characteristics

of

Settler.

Perrian Perry !
Patent, Pen-inventing
Friend

of the Goose

and

Gander,

wander,
unpluckedof their quill-feathers
making merry,
dabbling,
gabbling,
About
the happy Fen,
Untroubled
for one
penny-worthof pen.
all Britain through.
For which
chant
they
thy praise
From
Goose-Green
unto Gander-Cleugh!

That

now

and
Cackling,

"

II.

Friend

to all Author-kind

"

Whether

of Poet

Thou

the composer
yea, patent vehicles for Mind
it on jaunts,or more
extensive

or

art composer

Of pens,
To carry

"

of

Proser,
"

unto

P^rrygrinations
throughthe
Each plyingfrom the Comic to
An

Omnibus

realms
the

of

Thought ;

Pensive,

of intellectual sort !
III.

Modem

Improvementsin their

And

while

Dry

goods,and
Mind

course

to iron-railroads

human

flieson

heavy
bodies,pay

we

feel ;

wares.

their fares.

steel.
to Penzance.

To

Penrith, Penrhyn,even

To

Nay, penetrates,perchance.
Pennsylvania,or, without rash vaunts,
To where

the

Penguinhaunts

IV.

In times bygone, when

With
What

each

man

cut his

quill.

littlePerryan skill.

bunglingtools of trade
!
writingimplementshome-made

horrid,awkward,

Appear'dthe

What
Slit

Pens

hew'd,hack'd,and haggledout,
sliced,

were

with
unslit,

or

391

PERRY.

TO

ODE

various snout,

many

Roman, crooked, square, and snubby,

Aquiline,

Stumpy and stubby ;

neat.
capableof ladye-billets
for
fit
Clerk,
Ledger-keeping
only

Some
Some

grub down Peter Stubbs his mark,

receipt
illegible
;
smudge throughsome
Others in florid caligraphic
plans,
Equal to Ships,and wiggy Heads, and Swan? !
And

to

some

Or

V.

To try in any common

inkstands,then,
With
all their miscellaneous stocks.
To find
Was

like

You
And

decent pen.

dip into

lucky box
got one very curly,
a

and

drew,
"

like endive in
split

The

and square
next, unslit,

The

third,incipient
pop-gun,

The

fourth

broom

;
hurly-burly

some

end, a spade ;

at

yet made ;
no
avail,

not

the fifth of

Turn'd

upwards, like a rabbit's tail ;

least,
by way of a relief,
A stump that Master Richard,James, or John,
Had tried his candle-cookery
upon,

And

last,not

"

Making

"

roast-beef !
VI.

Not

thy

so

Perryan Pens

to their M's

True

do not with

They

and

N's,

split.
whizzingzig-zag

up their noses,

Straddle,turn

sulk,and spit.

Or

drop largedots.
blots,
Huge fullstop
Where

They

semicolons

even

were

will not frizzle up, or,

In sable sludge

unfit.

broom-like,drudge

"

"

"

Patent Perryan shops,

Nay, bought at proper
their stops;
They write goodgrammar,
sense, and mind
the
and
sad
both
or
Compose
verse,
merry
prose
the Editor, whose
For when
painscompile
"

Annual, or the Juvenile,

grown-up
his articles,
not women's, men's.
Vaunteth
The

But
What

"

lays by
means

celebrated

the most

he but

thy

Patent

Pens,"
Pens, my Perry?

VII.

Pleasant
So firm !

so

they

are

flexible !

to feel !

composed

of steel

3!)2

ODE

So

TO

PERRY.

finely
temper d fit for tenderest
To giveher passionbreath,
Kings to signthe warrant stem

Miss

"

Or
But

of death

"

their supremest merit stillis this,

Write with them all your days,

Tragedy,Comedy,
Dramatist

(No

all kinds of

should

ever

And, justconceive
There

the

plays
"

be without

'em)
"

"

bliss,
"

is so littleof the goose about

One's safe from any hiss !

'em.

Vllf.

Ah

! who

Big
When

paintthat first greatawful night.

or
a blessing
a blight,

can

with

the poor

Dramatist,all fume and fret,

Fuss, fidget,
fancy,fever,funking,
fright.
f s yet :
faintness
Ferment, fault-fearing,
more
Flush'd,frigid,
flurried,
fitful,
flat,
flinching,
Add famish'd,
to that ;
fuddled,and fatigued,
sits in doubt,
Funeral,fate-foreboding
Or rather doubt with hope, a wretched
marriage,
To see his Play upon the stagecome
out ;
No stageto him ! it is Thalia's carriage.
And he is sitting
the spikes
behind it.
on
"

"

"

to
Striving

look

as

if he didn't mind

how

Beazleyvents

it !

IX.

Witness

His nervousness,
He

meanwhile

upon his hat

his fate is dealt

kneads,moulds, pummels it,and

Squeezesand

twists it up, until the felt

That

went

Beaver

Miss

Mitford

to

Afraid
Poole told
Of water

me

own

"

backinghim,

ice-brook's

did not

More

as

for

life.

pail
spine,
pleasantto the chine

all down

temper"
"

his

"

Simpson and his Co. should fail.

Jerrold,in

doubtful of Nell

Squeezeout
Than

bag,

that he felt a monstrous

Glengallnot frame a
Wishing devoutlyhe was Lord
While

all her

Wife ;"

Lord

Nay,

fright,

of his

For fear that

Did

in

rag.
has confess'd he trembled

Knowles

The

and
mis-givings,

Rat !

night,
longkid glove,and

one

up

Quite

"

out

Rienzi's

Upon
Gnaw'd

had

in,comes

sits it flat,

enormous

mental

pray'r,

knows-

where

drouth.

Gwynne's eventful luck,

and suck

oranges with his one fevered mouth.

Nellyhad to hawk from North to South ?

1-

394

ODE

And

PERRY.

TO

spiritual
scurry,

Dram-

devil

attic curry

"

All

goingwell,

From

prompter

bell,

Until befel

HIS-TRIONICS.

at
hissing

dull

some

There's

imperfectdunce

I felt in all four elements

My

head

My

legsfor

at once

swimming,while my

was

"

denying,

no

running
"

all the rest

flying,

were

arms

frying!

was

XIII.

Thrice welcome,

then,for

this

peculiaruse

innocent

For

of goose !
Thy pens so
this shall Dramatists, when
they make

DiscardingPort
Drink

"

and

merry,

Sherry,
"

Perry !
Perry,whose fame, pennated,is let
To distant lands,
Perry, admitted on all hands,
"

loose

Text, running,German, Roman,

For

Patent

And
Pluto

when,

Perryans approach'dby
ah

me

no

man

! far distant be the hour

shall call thee to his

gloomy bow'r,

!
!

SKETCHES

Many

shall be

ON

THE

395

ROAD.

thy pensivemourners,

many

And
Penury itselfshall club its penny,
To raise thy monument
in loftyplace;

Higher than York's,or

Whilst

Time
On

all
due

the

on

shall
effigies

meaner

bury,

pentagonalbase.
Parian, Perryan, perriwig'd
Perry,
of
Penman
!
Mawr
proudestpeak

Shall stand the

Perch'd

of War

son

any

PENNSYLVANIA.

ON

SKETCHES

who

have

whilst

they admired

the

man

and

may

should

without

he

be, as

enough

occupierof

advantageof

of

loan

middle

seat

has

traveller's

a
vehicle,
weakly, shy
on

the

an

understand

the

An

ailing

at once

besides,he will not

that

Even

to take

in the four-inside

is

an

flyingat

easy affair to say^ woh !

twelve
miles within the

ought to hear,will
coach

unless

equally hopeless,supposing
properlytucked up the skirts of
bold, brassyfellow even, with a

case

is

whatever,

upset.

great and little coats. To a

tongue like a trumpet, it is anythingbut

but do not

must

it,just at

four wheels

man

chance

no

their

any effect to a Dart

The
hour.
coachman, who

one,

set down.

all the

nervous

roof to have

with

be

longstagecoach,

to request of some
torian
stenup his mind
set of lungs. In a six-inside coach, the

the firstcasual halt,or

the passengers

to

lock

to

probable,a

hesitation make

some

neighbourthe
timid

is

convenient

be

voice

have

not

as

of stoppingwith
the difficulty

it would

pointwhere

inside passengers in a
of starting
off with
facility

travelled much,

remarked
occasionally

have

the

ROAD.

CHECK-STRING.

THE

Those

THE

cannot

hear

not
:

the

the

horses

hear

outsiders admire

896

SKETCHES

ROAD.

THE

ON

the pace too much, to hear anythingbut the patterof the hoofs.
At
the
with
the
has
when
he
stout
last,
succeeded,
gentleman
big voice,
who

wants

yards or

to

that he has a good hundred

home, finds generally
him of law, measured, as the Irish always mete

run

allowed

two

it out, backwards.
after a
It was
with

man

fond

dilemma, ^for a little nervous

Punch's,though he

serious

more

to be

himself
it,after suffering
exhibiting

of

bashful

"

little squeakingvoice like

not

was

carried two

so

miles

beyond his house,had at last fractured the small bone of his leg,by
openingthe door in despairand jumping out, that a discussion ensued
in the Brighton"Age" as to the best means
of beinglet out to order.
methods
had
different
been
the littleflorid plump
before
proposed
Many
gentlemanin black delivered his opinion,with his back to the horses.
I should
"For
on
own
part, ratiocinating
hackney-coaches,
my
hypothetically
check-strings."
propose
"

"

forbid !" exclaimed

Lord

voice from

remembered

have

side.

Nobody

London

Crawley Common.
seemed
friend to check-strings

The
He

himself round
turned

all

at

"

than before
became

"

your
one, and

held

"

for the third

could

burr which

so

"

in his head

out

like

neither

kill it

peace

tied

hedgehog,and
It

let it alone.

nor

stick
hat that it may
be transferred to the left-hand

to

flyin

horse's

your

stuck

loons.
pantain

his

However, he
insupportable.

ear.

till silence itself became

by

as

whether

am

strict rules of

one

coach conversation

common

still I cannot
logic,

the
suppress
bringsforward a position
gentlemansyllogistically
pro-

for another gentlemanto

check-strings,

appear

His seat

pulloff your

you

like

worse

Doubtful

remark, that when

of

hated him.

"

it buzzed

Humph
ought to be

time,and

explosion.
didn't like

liked him

"

tillyou finally
alternately
get rid of it on
Lord
like
Macbeth's
forbid,"
Amen,"

on

"

neighbour
look

choke-pear,
very

the

by

"

stole another

"

found

his uncomfortable

does not

again

thunderstruck
look at his

glove,thence
right-hand

last he broke

At

to take

he
terrier,

like

The

throat

^he had

"

bull

clungto him
on

back

then looked

uneasy

like

very

the other seat, on the same

that voice before,
from

heard

to

screwed

him

to

to my

mind

to be

'

cry

Lord

line of
following regular
a

forbid,'
argument.

But

perhapsthe forbidding
gentlemanwill have the goodnessto explain
the colloquial
anomaly."
The
forbiddinggentleman thus appealed to, good-humouredly
a
mere
apologised.It was
slipof the tongue,he said : the words
from
him
escaped
involuntarily
probably
; but his fellow-traveller would
him, in

excuse

he had
string
"

consideration

lost the

Indeed,Sir

why

of the

onlyhope
then

fact,that

of affluence he

excuse

"

account

had

ever

of

check-

in his life.

the

with
colloquial
irregularity
puttingboth his hands into his

said the warm

heart,"
man,
pockets; but,upon my life.Sir,it
all my

on

must

have

been

very

ordinary
extra-

consequence."
"

very

simpleone, Sir," returned

the

other.

"

The

facts

aro

SKETCHES

ON

THE

397

ROAD.

latelyreturned from India with

in
an
fortune, a
portionof which was my own
authoritythan his own
promise. He was a
expectance, on no worse
with an
widower
only daughter,with whom, and himself, I one
on
our
eveningfound myself in the carriage,
way to a dinner-party
connected with East Indian
given by a nobleman, then intimately
these
briefly

maternal

; my

uncle

had

handsome

immense

aflPairs. We

were

late

very

and

rode

Nabob, who

uncle, the

my

that we were
extremelyfidgetty,
insisting
goingbeyond
other
minute
destination.
he was
his head out of
our
Every
thrusting
to disputewith the coachman, who, in truth,was
the front window
a
little less sober,and more
than became
And
him.
so we
obstinate,
till
uncle's
worked
went
was
onwards,
temper, always irritable,
my
up

backward, was

almost

In

to combustion.

to serio-comic

such moods

ebullitions ; and

my

he

rather apt to givevent

ill-fortune has gifted
with risible
me
was

I was
in the very midst of an illexquisite
sensibility.
smothered
laugh,when my fair cousin,givingme a sudden push, and
her hands,exclaimed
then clasping
that we were
goingpast the house.
I instantly
and
for
made
the
but with no more
jumped up
check-string,
effect than if I had pulledat anythingelse. Gracious Heaven
! I had
better have pulledthe string
hot
of a shower-bath,full of scalding
water, to pour itselfon my devoted head ! By that one infernal pull

muscles

of

"

Sir,I

pulledmyself out

"A

sad

of half

plum

"

pull indeed.

Sir !"said the floridplump

in black.

man

"

But

"

humph
begging your
pardon, Sir, I cannot
"

really derive
deduction

"A

from

moment's

continued
Sir,'**

such

any

the premises."

patience,
the

fortunate
un-

coach-stopper.
"

forbid

Lord,

checkforbid all

strings,Lord
! I was
whatever
strings
in despair.
Sir. I could
have sunk through the
!
bottom of the carriage
"

I believe I went

"

on

knees.

my

down
I

said

I could think
everything
of
and
begged fifty
"

thousand
my
'

uncle

Pray

saved

pardons, but
was

obdurate.

don 't mention

me

it, he said,in his

fiftythousand

althoughit will not

CHINESE

read

pounds. It's
quiteso well in

most
a

my

very

PUZZLE.

caustic tone,
"

it has

joke,
good practical

will.'"

398
"

THE

But

acted

on

You

did

know

not

uncle never
your
such very imperfect

uncle.Sir," answered

my

the

unfortunate

deep sigh. But you shall judge of his character

itself: Item,I giveand bequeathto my jocosenephew,
"

from the clause

"

OW^hsmt,forpullinghis wide
sterling."
shilling,

Arthur

"

"

kinsman, with

one

ONE.

Sir,"objectedthe plump man,

surely,
jumped to, as I may say, by
a conclusion,

inferences ?
"

UNDYING

Carruthers

DUCROW.

WITH

SPLIT

ONE.

UNDYING

THE
He

"

fJnc/e Toby.

die.""

shall not

I.

Op

all the verses,

That
I

At
As

so

once

that

And

wiled

ever

knew

never

grave

gay

hour,

an

mingledlay

and sour,

sweet

by Ladye

christen'd

or

"

Norton

spun.

Undying

The

One.'

II.

certain that she drew

I'm very
A

That

she penn'd
when
portrait,
pictureof a perfectJew,

days will

Whose

it

I'm

sure

For

he is

an

means

never

niy

Udying

end

Uncle
One.

Lunn,

the
pigtail,

sum

of

UNDYING

THE

These

399

ONE.

years he''sbeen the same.

be twenty more
;

twenty

And

may

Memory's Pleasures only claim

But

His features for

Yet

in that time

The

image of th'

score

changeis none
Undying One !

the

"

IV.

They

say

And

climate's

our

lungsare

uncle's much

My

and cold,

damp

tender

things;

abroad

and

old,

King Cole" he sings,

A Stentor s voice,enough to stun.
Declares him an Undying One.
"

when

But

V.

And

Or

But

very

slips

or

at
bleedings

choked
he

the

kicks.

nose

or
by grape-stone,

is the

Undying

FOITATD

One

DRO

AN

needle-pricks,

slender blows

accidental

From

Or

died from

have

Others

bun

WA^KB!';

1NN-QUE8T.

soldier once, he once

endur'd
A bullet in the breast
"

"

400

UNDYING

THE

"

It

kill'd

mighthave

but

"

only cured

asthma

in the chest

not

to be slain with

An

He

ONE.

was

For he is the

gun,

One.

Undying
VII.

In water

longhe dived,
all supposedhim beat,

And
He

seem'd
To

too

once

cold

so

have

but he revived

"

another

Just when

we

And

in

came

heat,

thoughthis race was run.

th' Undying One !
fresh
"

VIII.

To

look at Meux's
And

And

tumbled

he went,

once

in the vat

greaterJobs

"

their lives have

In lesser boils than

He

left the beer

No

bier to the

spent

that,
underdone,
quite
"

Undying One

IX.

He's been from

From
Scarlet

black,
strangulation
bile,of yellowhue.
from fever'shot attack,

From
Yet

cholera morbus

with these

He

stillis the

He

rolls in

dyes

blue
to use

"

;
a

pun

"

Undying One.
X.

His
He

wealth,yet

Three

in his

wife
;

life,

Or flirted with the fair ;

The sex he made a pointto
For

no

Cents, to share

per

married

never

has

shun,

beautyan Undying One.

XI.

To

judgehim by
The

future

The

Last Man

the present signs,

the past.

by
so
quickhe lives,

So

But

slow

declines.

won't be last.
buried underneath
a ton

Of mould

by

the

Undying One

XII.

Next

Fridayweek,

his

boast,
birth-day

His ninetieth year he spends,

And
I shall have his health to toast

Amongst expectant friends.

And

wish

"

it really
sounds

Long lifeto the

like fan

Undying One

"

402

GTPST

ducks,into
by a cow

with Illswhite

stirred up
that Mr. C

heen

did

had

been

to

stay

but

search

of

in the

pond, that

cold bath.

had

The

recently

firstthing

brandy as a preventive
brandy bottle had done
cupboard. Mr. Hodges,therefore,

the last

some

thingthe

for his health's sake ; and Master Carwhere, for the sake of blackberries ;

Man

off to the Green

walked

in

home

at

miniature

muddy

to recommend

was

againstcatchingcold

PARTY.

knew

off,nobody
took a romantic walk
Nursemaid, for the sake of society,
footman.
and
a
with the two twins,
ing
Gipsiesare a wanderstrange
their
and
all
the
the
performerstopped
parts;
race,
very horse
like a horse that had neither parishnor
roamed
settlement ; and
away
have gone roaming after him, if his Wife
Mr. Carnaby would
and
sneaked

naby

while

Daughter had

round

his neck

taking

time

mean

him

afterwards

was

the

lamentingover
to

plan

not to

swear

softened

providedhe didn't go out of sightand

laid the cloth,
Mrs. and Miss C
and

not without
eatables,
pigeonpie; and when they came

review

and made

littlewalk,

In the

hung

not

tillthe others returned,which

leave 'em
to

"

the

the

hearing.
began to

smash

their second

down

of the

they
pinnedon
that Master
the
bull-dog,
Carnaby had
smuggledinto the party. Luckilyfor the dog,he had also gone roving,
with the whole forest before him, as naturallyas if he had belongedto
Bampfylde Moore Carew, the King of the Gipsies.
Mrs. Carnaby was
of
one
those
characters
cally
emphaticalled fidgets
she
;
found

cold round

a
that the chief remove,
favourite
down
by a
way

rested till each

never

rested when

never

Mr.

C.

was

and

out

rural

He

his

of

had been done

foot,before

him

Mrs.

mash

give him

of

the

Mr.

of

turn

his

blood, and

yellow jaundice."

in
Hodges came
impatient

second,but

to the

of Miss

C.

did
certainly

COIL

he

had

HKCOIL,.

the Green

Man

with

rifle. Master

Carnaby was a good

horsewhipped,just as he had got three
five thorns in his fingers,
by a gentleman
a

been well

littlered blackberries
did not

AND

proceedfrom

not

of a bullet from
straightness

third,for
who

gone

yard

frightened
Carnaby

it would

"

expected

eye
the

had

it had

that

so

whole

he

yards,on

snake,and

turn,
re-

long-anticipated
by settinghis

walk

hundred

they did.

in the first of

not

tempers.

been

she

first to

the

beef,had

course

vidual
indi-

back, and

came

of

approve

and

of his

trespassing
upon

his

grounds.

Boxer

the

403

PARTY.

GIPSY

three legs,with his brindlc

back on
fourth ; he came
was
bull-dog
him of
to cure
the
six by
gamekeeper,
well pepperedwith number
worryingpark rabbits. In fact,poor Boxer, as Mrs. C. exclaimed,
her
animal acknowledged
like a pig,"and the grateful
was
bleeding
compassionatenotice by going and rubbing his shot hide againsther
shot silk,in return for which he got a blow quitehard enoughto shiver
As for
a
parasoland an umbrella.
the stick of somethingbetween
"

nurse-maid

the

of the mother

infinite horror

not

for

return

down
sitting

all

just as they were

but

the

hour,to

an

Betsey appeared

to dinner

charge,walked

her

with

they did

twins

and the

off their feet,with their

"
all besmeared"
pretty mouths
with
red

but

juice;

the

party

and

blue

of

one

no

botanist

was

the

enough to tell whether

berries

ing
munch-

they were

hips and

were

haws,
deadly

or
bilberries,

or

but
maternal
nightshade,
anxietymade sure it was
the
rank pison." Accordingly
"

dinner
and

make
as

they set

the

soon

as

kettle

get

hot, and

the water

was

enough,these

warm

pretty babes"
drenched, and
as

to

fire to

extempore

an

up

poned,
post-

was

"two

were

well

were

soon

uncomfortable
perfectly

they

as

months

had

been
in

before

rough
Margate. As

trip to

steam

from

an

that
prognosticate
and

that

herself

her

had

they

shed," but

handkerchief

on

the

excellent

groundto

Walthamstow,and

Dinner

time

then

did not

the very

came

had

met

with

omitted
the

of

as

soon,

that she had

somewhere

did

"

other

general

our

spreadher pocket
between

"Wansteavl
manor.

especialdelightof the
and

spot,

natural

waif to the lord of the

the

to

finding

Like

forest.

situation, some

to the horse

dd2

gipsywoman

had

"

them

sit upon,

again,to

empty children,
though,thanks

as

middle

reason

left it as

real

it actuallydid, in

comfortable

wipe

nation
exami-

cross

very

it transpired,

give her warning on

end,

placein the
lose

restored

was

children,and

Betty'sfortune,but

told

of

mother," for
and

peace

her mistress would

suddenlyout

she

as

of the

gipsyingwould

servants, when
tears

soon

nurse-maid,that they had

forest who

NIGHTSHADE.

DEADLY

examination

of the

in the

two

dog,it was

two

principally

"104

GIPSY

broken

PARTY.

and counting
down
heads Master C.
sitting
had a second time absconded
during the last bustle; and, as his
Mr. Camaby was
mother could not touch a morsel for anxiety,
obliged
and
the
look
had
for
satisfaction
of
to set out
to
soon
him,
fasting
and
in
him
suit
wet
hat-less
a
ditch,
finding
crying a
scraping
sitting
victuals.

of brown

off

But

on

with

suit of blue

old

an

oystershell.

His

father,in

hunger,gave liim what boys call a regular

good rubbingdown with a bunch of fern,and then

firsttransportof anger and

then
larruping,"

broughthim

back

with
collation,

cold

the

to

go without his dinner.

he told them that
explainfor sobbing,

As

that he should

like,and
wild

the forest

"

if he

the

soon

comfortable
as

the

threat

culpritcould

he had

capitaldonkey with

the most

saw

about

the

"

gone for a little walk,

saddle and bridle feeding

nobody, and

he

justgot on
like,like they used to do at Margate; and then the donkey set
off full tear, and never
in the
to a tent of gipsies
stoppedtill he came
middle of the wood ; and they all set upon him, and swore
at him like
with their donkey ; and then all of a
any thing for running away
as

belongedto

him

he lost his hat and his handkerchief,and

sudden

his money
for his

out

of his

and so
life,
pocketslike conjuring
; then they told him to run
it was
all alongof jumping over
he did,and as for the mud
a hedge

that had
into

no

an

of

agony

horror,

placeby

which

the side of the

and
pulling

threw
intelligence
co'ild

only

road,an

be
and

removing,eatables

and

immediatelypackingup
their all

This

other side to it."

Mrs.

tliat was
operation

pushingat the cart,as

Carnaby

pacifiedby
all,to a less

their
some
lone-

performedby

the horse had

French

taken

leave of absence.
It

was

Miss

now

to be

turn

Carnaby's

discomfited

her

made
her
disposition
retiring
wince under the idea of dining
in public; for beingmarketday at Romford, they were

overlooked

by plenty of

mers
far-

and

: consequently,
pig-butchers
after a very miffy
with her mother,the
dialogue
young lady took herself off,

she

with
her
desired,
romantical notions,"
to a place
of more
solitude,and Mr.
as

"

was

Hodges,as

in gallantry
bound,

postponedhis
tea

to

dinner

till his

keepher company.

In

the

mean
time,Betsey,who
had been sent up to the Green
for the porter,returned
Man

tale of

being

*'

cotch'd hold

BACKING

with
on

by

up all the beer to all their very

OUT

OF

GOING

TO

MARKET.

the empty tankard, and

a

ruffin in the

good

healths."

wood,
The

terrified

that had

drunk

first impulse of

Mr.

405

PARTY.

GIPSY

the vagabond, but

to jump up
to do justiceon
the presence
of mind
to catch hold of his coat-flaps
so
before he could well feel his legs,he found
himself

Carnaby was

Mrs.

had

that
abruptly,
in a largeplum pie,which
sitting
; of

upon

dozen

raggedboys who
he vented

that

such

proposed them,

to tell him

did have

his temper to hear the shout from

tion,
lookingon ; and in the crisis of his vexa-

were

Mrs.

Carnaby
realitywas

that

devil's blessing
on

fervent

their hearts

justset

mend

it did not

course

the children had

sharply,what in
it didn
gipsyparties,

and all
gipsyparties,
to
take
it
obliged
up, and
if people
enough,that

was

"

true

that their

t follow

stupidhusbands

was

to what
size and shape
pliimpies." Heaven knows
this littlequarrelmight have ripened,but for the appearance
of Miss
Carnaby,who, with a terrified exclamation sat herself down, and after

to sit down

vain

on

"kicking

off into

went

to recover,

attempt

called

hysterics."The

strong fit of what

cause

was

her mother

explainedby

soon

the

Hodges,with one eye poachedblack,and a dog-bite

he had
only stood lookingon at two
leg,because
wires
for
to
men
rabbits,
thinking himself if he watched them
setting
well he could learn how
Miss Carnaby came
to do it." Fortunately,
with
her father and Mr.
to just in time to concur
Hodges in the
to pack up
and
opinion,that the best thingthey could all do was
go
of Mr.
appearance
in the calf of his

home, but
she

that
she

which

smile

in

tea

by
a

by the children and

pleasure yet. It was
any
a fire was
collected,
made,

were

order,the bread

the

and

Mrs.

wood

seconded
had

set in

were

stoutlycombated

was

resolved to take

was

was

hadn't
sticks

"

butter

Master

once

in

her

who
,

unanswerable

an

the

kettle

boiled,the

cut, and

was

insisted

Carnaby, who

for

and
life,
said they

argument

tea-things

pleasurebegan

to

placidlythat Mr.

gipsyparty so
Hodges was encouraged
In
the key bugle,
near
a
on
Wood,"
Cottage
beginplaying
my
in
but was
the middle,on finding
that it acted as
obligedto break off
and stood round
of observation,
who came
to see
a buglecall to a corps
on

"

to

"

Rural

there
Felicity."Mrs. Carnaby, however, was
happy ; but
is many
between
the
and
the
She
in
the
a
was
slip
lip."
tea-cup
triumphant fact of pouringthe hot water on her best souchong,in her
best china tea-pot,when
off just on the
a
very well-charged
gun went
and
Mrs.
had
born
other side of the park palings,
not been
Carnaby
like

"

her

which

old

Grace,

fashion."

it dashed

in
came
Marlborough,"before nerves
from
her
hand
the
dropped
tea-pot,
upon
atoms, and then lay on its side,hot wateringthe

to

and
single,"

come

one

in its inflictions; for

he

up, and

jumped

the tea

if he

service,as

on

the fire

no
an

had

sooner

the

alarminghowl
absorbed

to

dashed

another

ounce

throughthe
of number

of

rest

six

this new
and with
disaster,
bystanderswelcomed
ments
embarrassto
bitten
cur,"they began
heap
bitinga
the disconcerted gipsyers.They kept pitchingsticks into
cockshies
of the remaining
till it grew a bonfire,
and made

fresh shout

the true

with

luck

it. " Misfortunes

grow near
acted like a double
the gun, therefore,
did Boxer
its sound than
recognise

that had

daisies and the dandelions

never

of

Sarah

tea-kettle

The

from

of
spirit

the
"

400

COCKLE

As

was

to

which
too

you
must

boys even
principlethat

the open
assailants to

the

there

too many
take to the road

were

pack up and
they found with

of

like,"said

Carnaby, in

Mr.

THE

Those

who

Must

FORTUNE

summing

"

much

have

read

up,

Which

But

seen

we

May
Whether

save

Will
two

no

Now

Mrs.

and

W.

liliesnot
friends
A

ease,

not decide ;
in union
things

Quacks

"

bacon

they reallygiveone
have never
tried.

I, who
But

timely taken.

not

or

Pills,

at, supercilious.

liver and

your

bilLs,

"

assured,if

are

and

advertisements

Physicianssneer

some

which

CACKLE.

puffsof Cockle's

go like these
Ducks
and
save

Pills
"

"

Peasi,

gettingsallow.

was

of the white

kind, but yellow,

portended was

human

Pate

preparingfor
Perigord;

indeed,so very far from well,

Son, in filialfear,procureda box
those said pellets
to resist Bile's shocks.
was,

Iler

Of

And"
To

save

tlio' upon
lier

by

the
a

ear

(/ockle

it

knocks
strangely

from

open

shell !

of his

being

may
say what
for
but
my part I
to it without
being

HUNTER.

1^.

Call'd Anti-bilious

She

gravel-pit. You

his

COCKLE

And

"

"

brown.'

'

regularlydone

Her

consequence

to take
gipsying,that it'simpossible

of

Viz.

fast

as

and

the only remedy

chastise,
as
theycould,with a horse

knees,the

broken

two

curious in the construction

say

helped themselves to bread

air ought to keep

audacious

crockeiy; some
butter,as if on
house.

CACKLE.

V.

"

COCKLE

But

W., justlike Macbeth,

throw
very vehemently bids us
to the Bow-wows," hated physicso,

Mrs.

"

Who
Bark

Rhubarb
Senna

Powder
To

"

For all her

Would

to Boluses

course

her

save

all her liver's

or
lights'

'Tis not to wonder

If she

But

they thus

Some

of the linen mended

by

hue

To bleach the

"

yellow in
son,

the

on

her

tint.

like elder brother,

parentalgills.
Pills,

chargeof Anti-tumeric
jaundiced
visageof

took them
"

place

disease's dint,

lo ! her second

Marking the
Brought a new

case,

stow'd away,

were

stillmore
Kept getting
When

let'ssay
pills

After

Mrs. W.

drugsintended

for

for the credit of the

Who

globe!

in
pill-box

For linen rather than

Yet

sake,
undertake,

at, in such

the

put by

Squills

in lung or lobe,
life,

littleuncelestial

one

"

"

Pills ;

or

her convulsive thorax

Only

:"

but least her throat inclined

"

to

not

and
Assa-foetida,

"

Draught

or

givea
"

the kind

Magnesia Jalap,and

"

Steel

"

the bitterness of Death

"

It seem'd to share

No

407

CACKLE.

V.

Deeper

in her

"

and

his Mother

cupboard
"

"

like the other.

of course,
still,"
deeper,
dailygrew in force ;

fatal colour

The

from Rome,
daughterW. newly come
pillial,
Actingthe self-same filial,
part.
To cure
Mama, another dose broughthome

Till

Of Cockles
These
Of

And

"

goingwhere

course

then
The

"

the Cockles

not

she had
hue

some

Medicine

so

of her heart !

the others went

a

before,

very pretty store

of health her cheek

adorning,

good must be,

The

They broughther dose on dose,which she

to the up-stairs
cupboard, nightand morning."
for other stocks.
at last,
wantingroom
fine day she pitch'd
of the window
one
of each box, and quiteenrich'd
pillage

The

feed of Mister

Gave
Till
Out

"

Burrell's hens and cocks,

littleBarber
Over

"

of

by-goneday.

the way

stock in

trade,to keep the least of shops,

of Kemble,
that is,John,
one
with a Brutus
Staringin plaster,
on.
littleBantam
fowls
with crops.
And twenty

Whose
Was

greathead

"

"

408

COCKLE

"

CACKLE.

V.

thoughtwhen throughthe sash

She gave the physicwings,
To find the very things
bad for chicken rash,
So good for bile,
so
!
For thoughtless
pullet
cock,and unreflecting
But while they gathered
nubbles,
up the nauseous
Each peck'ditselfinto a peck of troubles.
And
broughtthe hand of Death upon its gullet.
They might as well have addled been,or ratted,
betide
For longbefore the night ah woe
Little Dame

TV.

"

Pills ! each suicidal Bantam

The

Unfatted
Think

laid in death

"With Bantam's

Burrel's shock,

of poor

Of Nature's debt to
And

died

his hens all payers,

see

Layers,
Everlasting

as

Ex-Emperor, the Cock,

hackle,

small

In ruffled plumage and funereal

Giving,undone by Cockle, a
To

as

Down

on

last Cackle !

stiffas stone,his unlive stock.

see
It really
his block.
was
enough to move

dash'd,with

the floor he

horror

Bell's third wife'*smother's coachman's

Mr.
And

with

Burst

with

out

And

like his

stare
tragic

natural

voice that

big,
wig ;

Kemble,

own

emphasisenough.

made tremble.
grief

Into that very speechof sad Macduff"

"
AVhat ! all my pretty chickens and

"

"

At

fell swoop

one

Just when
To

the poor

see

After

I'd

their

dam,

!
"

boughta

lamented

coop

creatures

cram

"

littleof this mood.

And

broodingover the departedbrood,

he began to ope each craw,
A Ireadyturning
black, as black as coals ;
When
lo ! the undigested
he saw
cause
!
Pison'd by goles
With

razor

"

"

"

To

Mrs. W.'s luck

Her
And

by

He

contradiction.

stillstood open to conviction ;

short course
of circumstantial labour.

fix'd the

guiltupon

Lord

! how

He'd

bringan

Then, in
He'd

his adverse

he rail'd at her

action

ere

next

neighbour;"
declaring
now,
Term
of Hilary,

another moment, swore

a vow.
in the pillory
!
her do pill-penance

make

She, meanwhile
Of

window

distant from

combatingwith

the dimmest

dream

guilt,
yard-armor arm-yard,

410

Walton,32, Lincoln's

Richard

Mr.

To

LETTER,

LAWYER'S

Inn.

Dick,

Dear
In

Pedro.

re

Badgery, and Crump,

Pike, Row,

"

Mr.

Theodore

attorneys,oflPeredthree years ago, and continued the allowance

Term, to giveme, with unexampled liberality,
teen
eighand
undertake
the
to
week
as
clerk,
copying
shillings
ment
manageper

Hook's

to last Easter

up

Law

of the Common
business

out-door

the

useful
generally

been

I have

Pedro

that Don

Hearing
Miguel and Company,
wanted, I

took

about

retainer from

the

on

as
circuit,

Does

and

agent of the

an

reallyembarked
call it

to

sion,
professue

out

court.

againstDon
Richard

Roes

greatPortuguese

in the

(Mr.

do

myself

another

action

"

health permitted.

to the

an

bring

to

might

one

my

record, and

that lots of John

and

make

my
line of life into

my

carry
was

and

"

attachment

an

withdraw

professional
gentleman,and have
out here

Chancery Department

doing as long as

been

compelled to

of Certiorari to

Writ

were

I have

to the

Bills of Costs

out

beingstrong,though with

Not

which

"

attend

"

make

"

Being

cause.

Chief Justice Sarto-

the roll

call,and

the interest you

knowing

of the act, but

benefit

Rolls.

off the

my

he did not

musteringat Gravesend,

on

struck

was

take

in

I
verdicts,
shall write
at intervals the
demand, and
particularsof plaintiff's
Defendant.
of set-off on the part of the enemy's fleet,
account
or
Pray
Law
Clerk at Pike, Row, and Co.,
call on Mr. Wilson, the Common
and tell him I have four hours to myself and a chance of beingpaid,
the knowledge of the Principals.
but do this if possiblewithout
when
I enlisted,
taken the
to have
of the same
White
was
office,

it),and

rius goes

I can't

but

say,

attend

putting

Admiralty Court,that when the Blue Peter

I felt some
notice to quit,
regretat leavinga land where I
gave legal
might have been, so to speak, a tenant at will. Nor was i^ much
I heartily
thews,
I came
to the Nore.
better when
wished,with Mr. MatTruth

her

on

oath

in the

the waves,
The
rule refused."
sea

that if Britannia
evener

but

it

was

"

does

she

rule

when
me
you will understand
of
There
the
was
thought
my

I took

say

would

ran

rule

them

rough, and

very

nothingby

my

motion.

mother, besides,and the immberless

it is difficult
of every day practice,
for which, though matters
feelings
to shew

cause.

remember

You
to hear

title.

that
A
as

few

Hart

Sugden with

he volunteered

to

hours, however,

in the
practised
instrument, assignover

it is

Co.,

"

convince

sufficed to
Marine

and

will not

Don

Miguel
disgusthim

Courts

and

be

surprised

of his defective

with

I heard

ancing,
convey-

him, by

the whole
formality,
and Assigns.
ship to the Devil, his Heirs,Executors,Administrators,
instructions
with regardto
for Butterworth, the Captain gave
As
a

verbal

the stays,and

Butterworth

in

with

technical

goingaloft felloverboard.

We

thought

for

time

some

that

we
revival,
and that
trial,

You

he

had

of

he

dead, but

was

after

rubbing,and other
seeinghim moving for

the satisfaction of

beginningde

w-as

411

LETTER.

LAWYERS

were

our
conceive, professionally,
joy at enteringthe
a
prospect of being invited within the Bar, ^but the
and we
instructed to stay proceedings,
stayed the same.

new

took

notes

Douro
anchors

"

of what

novo.

may

with

means

happened afterwards,I

will

give you

As
a

rough

draft.
Michaelmas

31.

Oct.

Term^

regardto the Fort of St.

lie. Judgment affirmed.

off

Tax

him

that

action would

an

ship opened

battery. Admiral's
the

on

side.

same

laid

at

amending same.

wounds,
Home

Poor

non.

Hills crowded
and

hundred

fifty

and

At

intervals term

struck

was

reports.
Gave

off the paper.

seized with

lockjaw,and preparingfor

long vacation.

5. Notice

Enemy's Fleet put

of action.

enemy's flagship.

issue with

lodgingin

in

an

"Wetherell

killed

naed

Temple, and
subpoeby a bullet

out

of the

ball

w^mUi\

/^i^^^^^^
^

to

"^^^

"'"'"

tempted
at-

put

an

and

officer

in

them

by

top.
main-

Enemy

but

non

ner
the In-

Denman

men

but

appearance,

demised.

Home

pros.
6. Joined

"

the

undertaking.

an

4. A dies
the

and

died of his

Pollock

opinionwith

hundred.

flaws
Discovering

3.

Councirs

Held

Enemy's damages

with witnesses.
men.

and

took

Michael.

others followed

the

and

case,

assault

of

Nov. 2. Action

Admiral

fifty
possession
served

we

with

eject-

an

ing
Night comon, agreed to
withdraw
a juror.

ment.

7.

violent storm,
and a sail under
A

distress. Taken

in execution
wave,

"

and
longboat
men.

by

levied

and

on

three

all the

DK.AKE

DISPERSING

THE

ARMADA.

hen-coops.
8. Fell in with

not received my

Portuguese
brig,and lodged a
share of

but
prize,

have

detainer,

got a cognovit.

Have

412

lawyer's

Enemy moved
repliedto same.
ships, to

9.

fightwitli
he
10.

office copy
11.

defend

To
time.

But

charge.

work

going

not

am

arm

I do

as

by
the

homeward,

legalmode
Nothing

of

and

sent

am

has been

time

our

to

sorry

bill of

limb

of

Term
extra

no

say

I comfort

exceptions.

lost that

I have

"

costs.

the

law,

remember

like

dear

"

taste

to

Morton," I sigh to join you

Surrey-butter. I think that is

your

expressingit.
better than

men

our

from

"

down
principals

the

ever,
How-

if

juniors. They fightas

Thes-

"

others

of

some

For

general release.

part

own

my

received

have

acquaintance,who

our

Dick

the

they belonged to Lyon's Inn.

have
been
ticked off",includingTyndale,
a
good many
siger,Phillips,Spankie, Scarlett,Gurney, Wilde, Burney, and
the

to

an

the

behave

can

of trover

and

and
Surrey -joinder,

man,

blind eye, and

Nelson, except
Hamiltonian
Sometimes, however,
system.

follow

not

Action

Chancery,

that

see

take

to

now

"

I look

one

battle.

chains.

with

overhours, and

at

myself for the loss of my

that I am
by reflecting
that

will

pleadings,you
of

drawn

"

to

quarter

Boarding again,and obligedto

nonsuited

Enemy

in person.

Plenty

Gave

Verdict

action.

fresh

brought a

abbreviate

most
rear-

his "Widow.

to

Enemy

Boarding again, obligedto

in Ocean's

bill of him

broadside

"

the mizen

from

fired

the
intercepting

by

Attorney.

specialpleader.

Filed

failed.

of

Power

fell overboard

Chitty

entail.

and

up

endeavoured,

oflFthe

cut

Bore

trial.

new

Admiral

all my

such

was

for

letter.

[letter

above.]

the

enclosing

Sir,
Am
of

log fell Down

Was

carried

Job

and

Will

day

to

sorry

tlie

the

Main

down

after

nor

Say
to

the

Hatchway on
Cockpit. But the

saying

Law

and

property,

no

writ

as

man

Sowed

up

was

and

instant

at

Corps.

bit

2 P. M.

pronaunced it

Doctor

times

was

16th

the

three

letter,with

Inclosed

Bad

left

He

no

overboard, same

heaved

in lat. 41. 5 N.

I take

the

there's father

provided
if

friend's

long.8. 50 W.
Liberty of writing This

so

be.

Should

fightingas

hearts

can

mother,
be

you

will

Place, you

or

be

as

that
well

you
as

encouraged to

heartilywelcome,

wish.

So

no

more

to

his

lots of

to

Go

will tell you

to

the

all about

Duncan's
the

Head

Bounty.

us

in

dren,
chilyour

jollygood

as

present from
Servant
Your
Humble
at

Benyon.

Thomas
N.B.

Parents,
and

widow

out

come

and

inform

may

in

Wapping,

That's

if you

and
mean

Captain BligU
to

'list.

413

HAVE

THE
**

I like to meet

SORROW

SILENT

COMPLAINT.

SWEEP'S

sweep

"

such

as

IIFHI

forth with the dawn,

come

their littleprofessional
notes, soundinglike the peep,
or EuA.
*'

Macbeth

One

voice cried

hath murdered

moming

ere

my

peep,

of

or

somewhat

young

Sweep no more!
sweep.'' Rhakspeare.
"

usual time

I rose, about the seventh chime,

When
littlestunted boys that climb
in the street
Still linger

walked, I saw indeed

A sample of the sooty breed.
Though he was rather run to seed.
And

as

heightabove five feet.

mongreltint he seemM to take,

In
A

Poetic simile to

make,

throughhis Martin 'ganto break,

"White overcoming
jet.

Day

side to side he cross'd

From

Like Frenchman
And

yet no

He
And
His

who

oblique,
seek,
can
speak,

has friends to

Englishword

walk'd upon the fret :

while he soughtthe dingyjob.

breast
lab'ring

appear d to throb.

with
earlier,

sparrow." Essays
"

414

sweep's

THE

complaint.

hiccuphalf a sob
Betray'dinternal woe.
cry the cr^ he had by rote
half

And

To

law forbade the note,

yearn d, but
Like Chanticleer with roupy throat,

He

but

gaped

He

"

not

the

him, and

I watch'd

crow

snatch'd

glimpseI

Disclosed his sorry eyelids

patched
With red,as if the soot had catch'd
That
And

soon

did not

He

about the lid ;

hung

"

here's

prettygo!

;
away
he will betray

cause

at last he did.

thus

And

tear-dropstray.

to brush

care

Thought I the
Well, here's

the

saw

Gagging Act, if

ever

there

was

gagging!
the members

bound

I'm

But

as

silenced us, in

doingit had plentyof

magging.
They

send

better

had

all off,
they had, to the School

us

and Dumb,
To

unlarn

mother

our

us

I
Directly
As

natural

Qmum.
regularly
the morningbegins
to peep,
as
sure
as ever
out
can't help calling Sweep
that say Cheep !
among the chimbley-pots

tongues,and

they can't undo natur

But

"

open my eyes, I
as the sparrows

for the Deaf

to

make

and
signs

be

voice very uneasy.

For my own
partI find my suppress'd
but
to
And
having your tissue stopt when
comparable nothing
are

sneezy.
! tho"*I suppose
a
preciousmerry Christmas,I'm
sup !

Well, it'sall up with

Here's
or

you

us

mustn't cry all up.

blest if I can
either bit
earn

we

s border.
cryingSweep, of mornings,is goingbeyond quietness
of
silence
be
fond
Them
to
as
oughtn'tto cry hear,hear,and
pretends

If

order,order.
I wonder
As

God

Sutton, as we've

Mr.

Speaker what

helpus

if

don't

too, don't

sut-on

speak,and

For

the general
postmen, that
instance,

we're

with
Greens
If

up

us

cus.

don't not cry, how are we to pursue our callings

?
other businesses with their bawlings.
as
so bad

we

sure

wake

own

not half

I'm

And

with
sympathise

that's exactlyour

at six o'clock go about

all the babbies that their mothers

have

ringing,

justgot

to

sleep

singing.

to be
oughtn't

they bring in

cried no

more

than blacks

SootyBill,theyoughtto

"

to do the

have

job,
unpartial
brought in a Dusty

Bob.
Is

dustman's

voice

more

the cinders.
Instead of a littleboy like

sweet

than ourn, when

he

comes

seeking

arter

?
your windows
cads
There's the omnibus
Bank

and

City;

as

blackbird in

under
merrily
spring,
singing

in Cheapside,
out
and keepscalling
plies

SWEEP'S

THE

Let his

415

COMPLAINT.

Worship,the Mayor, decide

if our

call of

Sweep is not justas

pretty.
I can't

see

their
And

should be let go about

why the Jews

hooky noses,

Christian laws

be ten times

should

cryingOld
hard

more

Close thro*

than the old stone

laws of Moses.

Why
Why,

isn't the mouths

Next

year
to

And
If

dance,

live

will go in black like mourningfor

long as May,
pinchingweather.

Would

how

see

onlywish

Mr.

take

were

to

peep

enoughto keepbody and

earn

Wilberforc;
down

of them

some

or

our

brood of littleones

that

and
cellars,

starving
figures,
idle on our empty sacks,and
A-sitting

And

mischance

our

that's to say, through the hard

as

For I don't
I

members

there won't be any

Jack in the Green

we

compell'dto be equallyshut ?
but they never
eat muffins,
eat no sut.
shan''t
heart
at
have
we
no
all,
May-day

of the muffin-men

because Parliament

soul

the
pities

look

at

winter and

together.
niggers,
miserable

our

all readyto eat each other.

WIND-FALL.

cryingfor bread

to a

Father
heart-breaking

and Mother.

They

haven't

rag of clothes to

mend,

if their mothers

had thread and

needles,
But

crawl

naked

about the

like
cellars,
poor things,

a swarm

of

common

black beadles.
If

they'donlyinquiredbefore passingthe
peeps,

Act

and

taken

few

such

416

THE

SWEEPS

I don't think that any real

COMPLAINT

gentlemanwould

set his face

have

against

sweeps.

ancient

an
Climbing's

he wrote

for

But

was

can

me

how

on

beneath, if your

she writ

And
As

heart's

always loyal,and
say God
milk, that's

save

now

There's London

if

of
History's

vally,

any

by Queen Elizabeth to the greatSir Walter Raleigh,

of glass
how I'd climb,ifthe way I onlyknew,
a pane

recommended

Was
When

art, and
respectable

afeard,don't

of the

one

venture

even
cries,

on

the flue.

up

that
all powers
respected
the King, if I an't to be

are

higher,

Cryer?
Sunday the law
a

allows.

ought black

But

black
Do

we

go

cows

sweeps, that
?

about, when
calling

beasts,to

be

time,like

the

human

are

it'schurch

off than

worser

noisyBillingsgate

vermin.
And

disturb the parson

?
sermon

But

the

fish won't

Parliament

We
And
For

as

! what's

shan't do to

time

won't,is

mackarel

the

of

funeral

the cry of the

sweeps

think,is

be allowed

to

keep

to

wears

of

to become

shan't do for black mutes

we

alive 0 !" in the middle

elves,

themselves

help us

All

keep,not

Every thing,except the

Lord

"

with

to go

mustn't cry

we

standingat

no

more

death's door.

even

to the Hottentot

black will

wear

off,and

emigrate,
our

if

not

no

on,

us

then

nations.

think of

our

situations !
And

should not

we

of

do, in

lieu of black-a-moor

footmen, to

serve

ladies

qualitynimbly.

For when

we

all clean
desire

us

were

and

drest in

our

neat, and

to sweep

the

sky-blueand

white

hearth,we

RGTRHSK,

IN

and
silver,

largefrills,
if they pleased to
stockings,
couldn't resist the chimbley.

"lk

BUSINESS.

418
I

as

over,

cum

hop

wil, with

you

the french

boath, as

for

and

Burds
now
go out after
kno
there shuting you

SPORTSMAN.

OLD

AN

FROM

LETTER

Horse's

your

Say, at

I have

tainment
good enter-

The

table D' oats.

my

then, but I scldum

at the

cum

lads

rites of

"

is Hits

Wat

what

But

Histerr,

is

is mist is

mistery.

Ubbard's new
hav you seen
guns like wanking
Talkingof shuting,
defence
there a cappital
sticks
agin cappitaloffences ; as you may
ether stick a feller or Shute him ; or boath together.I wish farmer
"

Gale

carrid

had

he

for
friday,

Rob'd

was

ing from markit

paddy Irish man,
to make

him down

Luckly

foot

Stand.

him

bank

Barnsby

stopd the weak

bin

had

that

by

that knockd

nothing on
Stopd but sum

of the

notes

cum-

had

he

when

him

last

one

afore.

In

had
my

bait,tho

am

have

in

Good
run
a
m^nny
tim, Partickler when

keeper spideme
hadent
tim

out

went

Lumbago

verry
Back, and

cum

doant

last

hardly
in

rod for roomatiz

joints,and

my

were

could

the

The

Leaf.

got

do my

un

fishingline

the

quiteDead

got

the

wen

bad

verry Little big fish

count of the pochers,who

found
a

to float and

fish to be
a

sumtims

had, and

catch,the

last

wich

Beside

like.

its atax

to

Kil

but
fli,

as

FLY

jack I

FISHING.

on

am

caut

al in colde blood.

em
our

is

waters

musicle,I

very

with

was

my

so

dont

over

like

boot, and

I used sumtims
fished theres

no

without
trolling
was

only

foot

long.
As

for

betting,I
ajn

I
raceing,
am

Better

never

with

cared
out

much

Able, and suport the Farmer's

Our Wist club is going of, Some

em

one

bout

it, and

in

regard of
I

I al ways
take the feeld wen
Mite.
Plate with al my
of the members
go on so ; two

it,tho

like anny
are
perpotulyquareling
plays like Hoyle and the other
I doant

thing but
like

double

Vinegar.

The

dummies,
young

of
for

men

think theyle Last long. They

Shorts,but
the
sich
and
I never
for drinking,
at
se
as
are
so verry
Pints,
Sharp
at
LiquorishChaps in my life. They arc al ways laying ods, even
Bot
the
wich
about
they
Super,when theyle
ago of a Roosted foul,
hav

interduced

al

FROM

LETTER

OLD

AN

419

SPORTSMAN,

about the Wait of a Cnrran

or
liazzard,
py, wicli they cal
a grate
the Ciirrancyquestion.They al so smoke
manny
seagars, but
wich
old
men's
it
Wood
Put
the
be
a
pips out,
they cant
Burning
in
to
I am
h
as
Sum
shame if they did.
politicks
Crept
sorry
;
say
al
for
the
is
at
and
is al for reform, and some
none
al,
only thingthey
lord
Land
in
shant
Bil.
There
the
is be sides
that
in
no
bring
is,
agre
the
douts
new
laws, sum
entertaning
game
grate dis-cushins as to
cal Cliicken

peplego

sum

wen

out

to shute

inable them

crickit Club

The

wether
shuting,

anny game.
is goingon uncomon

rekoningthe byes ;

with out

he often getsfour notches

."

tho

quit

out, wich

wore

took

in

lads

My

if the

youle

running; and

Wake,

our

As

36

are

is

Roomatiz

the

Captin Batty

as

Ball,

for tlie crickit

verry

Sory

Bal, it is
it,as they

for

marred, w^ich mayhap

em

wich

Bad

at that
fandangoes

there

members

best boler is Use

its

is next

you have Herd,

fait of theres.
They hope

no

Sunday weak,

it is Rather

"

for

Low.

they Say there

only use of

The

High
and
waking that I can See, is to pervent folkes Sleeping,
I
jumping and throwingup their Heals, see no Pleasur in
had

will

matches.

our

fun, al tho I think

will be

bolus.

not, I Beleve

galsare
to the

cum

They

at Wickit

man

gals say they are

of

boath

are

best

our

Pilby to

the

grateintrest

and

get Dr.

sumtims

we

wel.

Parliament

of

acts

even

as

have, they

rat, and

woudent

be

for there

as

it.
for

If

they

Dancing

Kickingfor partners.

county Member,
Wiseacre, is

Our

Sir William

going to bring in a bil

of the
for the supression
liarbarus
past-time of
and
for the
l)ul beating,
better
incorigementof
"

the nobul

Cockin,"

art of

buls,wether
by
to be
are
or
irish,
inglish
wich

Made
and

al

game of
al such as

at anny
libel to

Bui

stake

find.

be

Act,

\ vlllMl/

Wfil^

are

They
and

the Cock

cal it here

'iwilnM^

found

are

ring

'^iisareSi^KT

^"^^B^#

longer,

no

or

iCaBM!^,.

WLJ^m^^ 1^^.l|Bl|p||ffl^^^

I think is

wich

It
good name.
very
has causd gratediversion
a

peple'sopin-

in

manny
nions, but

Think
as

Bad

interduce

ward.

The

us

is quite

the buls.

Barrownet

same

to

the cocks
as

of

most

as

The
WilERE

tried

Forkenry,but
forkens

flu at

the first
a

"

YOUR

atempts

lierin,who
E

HAWKFR

as

been

LICENSE

verry

tried to be above

Hawk-

there atax,

420

FROM

LETTER

for the

week

Last

was

there

archer.

so
says she was
of the meeting

miss

Eye

cows

it put her
nervus,
herd
a Bad
we
had

they

were

bin

that

"Worst

shot

target,and

we

in to the

silver Arrow,

prize,a

of the

and

case,

would

and

Seen

never

of

Hood

and

for
for

he

of

"

Byron,

to

say,

hit

the

went, but

by

to look

for

came

had

dropt out

Revd.

Him

mister

jump up
bounding

warrior

was

Men

even

arrow

made

like

Crumpe
and

soiTy

not

the

of

his mery

we

wich

the middle
out

am

she

target;

Harrow,

did

his

raly

seccond

Mister

it,for it
found, but for

been

look

the

the

him,

wear

lawne, and

the

is very flurrishing,
but talk
in wereing peagreen
insted
persisting

for

members

SpanishHats

there

puttin on

lincon,and

Curat

lost

have

have

Revd.

was

Courtenays

Angles

quiver.
buggle, and

had

Body

Miss

nere

prize

ToxophilusClub

The

expeling sum

conservatorry.

on

boy

his fondnes

In

When

Courtenay said out

agen, as miss
from its Barb."

to

playd Key
hiding,Jumpd

Body,

every

The

came

arrow

every

never

sittin downe

Crumpe

of

have

should

hereingit smash
the

I supose

shood

into

disgisedin every thing green, as Robin

liis bow
to string
after getingLittle John
Hood

sore, but

the first

arch

Emily

Bow

of

is Rector

; he

asistants

too

of

comparison

propposed

wags

shrubbery,

in

usul, and

as

The

"

Robin

him

and

Tomkins, of grove House.

him
best at bulls Eyes.
ame

prizefor shutingin

and

maid

grand archery Meetin,

our

made

for loUi pops

were

they

more

togither.

al away

em

SPORTSMAN.

Little Master

by

won

skared

Kite

flyinga

the

they pecked him

more

OLD

AN

and

fethers

the

of
of

side

rong

before.
Thank

wanted

them

Cheated
I

for the

you

shels to make

the

you

her

Pleas

Friten

out

of them

Remember

to

oats, has
to

after

bean

same

members

14

give Him

ears

me.

Humbel

your

dogs to the pack.

theyd be complet.
As

season.

notice
Cumel
black

an

servant,

the

apereance

subskripshonStag hounds

kep by the
to have
fiftytoo
like
drest
Pam,

for

rather

the
noo

of

in the

4oant "Wish

to

felde,I
and

who

Room.

put

Mary
you

dooring the

sportingMaggazins,you

is very
pompus,
I have
servant, after him.
got

for want

Axeltree.

club, and its there wim

If old Bil, the huntsman, was
cappital runs
They have had sum

write

you

Brown,

menshun

the wist

as

as

jailfor

to

Andrew

forgotto

Stealingbarly.
of Bottany.
inquiringfriends,if they should think
sent

will

From

P. S. I

has took

is very shameful, as
Mark
Lane, the man

Old

com

al

good. Mary

verry
I think

Burds.

the

me

was

wich

groto,of

old Marks

wile to Ask

it woth

to

sadly Afearde

am

Hoisters, wich

Deal

I should

says
to the expense

of

more

Cros
a

the

mean

hunts

with
to

it,wich

Bubble

may

like to

Grate

Creol

Pompey,

Say, but
I

leter.

wood,

his

carnt

but

421

SUB-MARINE.

THE

It

was

brave

cheek

His

he had

For

was

coat it

But

was

yellow faced,

(merman-like)he
trowsers

And

the waist

from

wide

so

were

look'd marine

and

put the

And

ever

Hps,

he

times

many

"

quaflP'd,

drank, the

the

more

fore and
pitching

Sepm'd

ship

aft !

shipseem'd pitchingfore
in a heavy squall
;

As

blue,

jollydraught;

rummer

as

he

more

to his

rummer

drank

raised the

The

quitein sailor taste !

And

The

well

soldier coat.

All downward

He

brown,

been

Of red with

He

and

foughtwith those who foughtso

Nile and Camperdown.

At

His

jollywight,

baked

in many
climes
captainsof renown,

With
And

His

and

and

aft,

he went,
It gave a lurch and down
in his fall !
Head-foremost

times he did not

Three
He

But

down

he went,

rightdown

at once.

stone he

dived,
any
could not see, or hear,or feel
all deprived!
Of senses

Like
He

At

at all !

rose

never

rise,alas I

last he gave
To see where

And

look around

he,arrived

all that he could

see

was

green.
every hand !
he tried to sound beneath.

Sea-greenon
And

then

all he felt

And

There

he

Could

"

was

sand !

was

fain to

lie,for

neither sit nor

he

stand !

122

SUB-MARINE.

THE

"

And

lass !
strange and staring
in her yellow hair,
hand was

A
One

The

other held

mermaid

there bent

his head

lo ! above

If

mermaid

ever

Her

glass;

surelybe

she must

was

fish-like mouth

open'dwide,

was

blue and
eyes were
the
of
dress was
ocean

pale,

Her
Her

WJien

ruffled
*'

Thoughthe
She

lookM

She
A

To

hides

by

beneath

that

petticoat

salmon-tail ! "

siren

as

green,

gale;

sharpand

ought to look,

bitter

shrew,

lullabies
singdeceiving
For

But

mariners

when

he

to rue,

her

saw

It chill'd him

With

"

lipsapart.

throughand through!

either hand

stopp'dhis

he

ears

Againsther

evil cry ;
for
all
his care,
alas,

Alas,
His
Her

doom

die.

to

voice went

It
He

was

ringingthroughhis
sharp and high !

so

thrust his
At

But

farther
fingers
unwillingear,

each

in
still,

The
**

it seem'd

words

very
were

in

spiteof all,
plain and clear

I can't stand here the whole

To

hold your

With

openedmouth

Up
And

And

No

and

deepswliere
was

no

waters

wet

only saw
With

The

day long,
"

beer !

open'deyes.

stare to find the sands

he

had

been

siren with

her

ocean-green

deceptionfrom
and
Kept fadingmore

He

glass!

his eyes
more,

stand

the bar-maid

poutinglipbefore

"

small green parlourof The

littlesanded floor !

And

the Sub-marine,

rose

gave

Tlierc

The

glassof

head

Ship,

423

BOARDING-SCHOOL.

THE
Oh

Ip the author
much

his

sweet

as

own

I felt

so

Melodies

!"

own

had

possessed,he

I had the honour

ordered

was

Irish

have

mv

"

had

ever

might

Moore.

not

littleIsle

so

it

so

found

have

anticipates.It has been my fortune,like Robinson

Alexander
Selkirk,to be thrown on such a desolate spot,
lonely,though I had a follower,that I wish Mooi^ had

which
Finisterre,
I

little Isle of

sweet

some

the

of
as

there.

been

the song

Crusoe,and
and

had

ISLAND.

proved

with

of

end

an

being in

of the

that

earth

action off

tremendous

to many

brave

fellow.

enter the Santissima

boardingparty to forcibly
of climbinginto the quarter-gallery,
which,

Trinidada,but in the act

however, gave

rebutted

quarter,was

no

by

the but-end

of

marine's

gun, who remained the quarter-masterof the place. I fell senseless

vion,
into the sea, and should no doubt have perishedin the waters of oblibut for the kindness of John Monday, who
pickedme up to go
carried
adrift with him in one
of the ship's
All
boats.
our
were
oars
that is to say, we
did not carry away
unheeded.
feeble hailing
our
was
raining,

away,
was

says,

be

we

were

the current

of

anythingbut

the

drifted off by

supposed,our

boat

to spare
provisions

was

"

in the middle

of

an

any

oars,

and while shot

In short,as

Shakspeare

heady fight."As may

had no
for we
jolly-boat,

immense

waste.

We

were,

in

424
in the cutter with

adrift
fact,
blow
that

stared at

is,we

allowance
made

one

salt-water,
stare

to

but

if

short ditto.

each
turn

men

had not
of

us

junk

even

if the wind

even

seemed

another

We

cut.

should

in the face

cannibals, great
a

be

must

for

indeed

Famine

fresh.

nothingto

nothingbut

junketing,and

for

ISLAND.

TUE

^
^

We

trulyin

were

very

disagreeable pickle,
with

brine

of

oceans

beef,and, like
Shylock, I fancy we

and

no

would

have

pound
pound of
a

che

sharplywe

more

inclined

to

Sow,

we

found

we

like

gnaw,
drifted
"

w^hen

but

The

flesh.

drifted Nor,

we

more

exchanged
gold for a

of

nothing

No

pork.

bread

in the east, and in

rose

oppositepointwe
pointed.
equally disap-

the
were

could not

We

meal

compass

any
THE

POUND

OF

FLESH.

how, but got mealyto the east

mouth'd,notwithstanding.We could see the Sea mews
what
ward, flyingover
Byron calls the Gardens of Gull. We saw
plentyof Grampus, but they were useless to all intents and porpusses,
and

had

Time
on

bottle-nose.

our

seemed

days

pass
our

no

hands, for

our

fast

bait for

catchinga
hung heavily

we

to

slowly,and
pidly
rastrengthwas
very

sinking from
beingso
Still

afloat.

much

nourished

we

Hope, thoughwe had

nothing to give her.
But

at last

prospect
one
no

may
land

The

so

when

say

in

was

was

as
a

wo

if

land,

sight.

weather

thicker
it

lost all

we

of

got

were

very bad

nothingto cat

and

catching

thinner
getting

look-out.
drink.

At

and

bottle-nose.

thoughwe kept a sharpwatch,

could
We
see
nothing before us but
last the fog cleared ofl",
and we saw
;

426

TIJK

kind

The

grades.

remained
with

tended

could

we

had

sheet anchor.
lived

never

resume

so

long
our

ture
na-

^^J^ \
^

^^

over

nie
like Domi-

me

the

with
Sampson
Bertram
boy Harry
where

we

our

day
Mon-

and

still watched
and

from

relative rank, but

our

uppermost

both,

us

of

state

parted

equality,that

libertyand

of

have

rather

question; we would both

We
attemptedto return to
in

ISLAND.

would,

with

go

he

lowed
fol-

the

dogged
Pipes;
might, he

of Tom
pertinacity
and

do what

the

with

interfered

lute
reso-

vigourof John
involved
nay,

hourly, in

the

it had

dissolved

have terminated

not, if

know

been

not

in

the

how

might
I

most

stances
circum-

and

connexion

position
dis-

daily,

us

embarrassing
;

Dory

This

Oats.

in Wild

speedily

very

pected
unexIK

One

manner.

poor

Monday

barely

enabled

morning
which

"Good-bye,

am

go

found

was

him

to

going

"

"

GOOD

ACTION

EMBARRASSED

on

his

MKETS

"

bed

to

ITd

in

hand,

my

grasp
back

CIRCUMSTANCES,

OWN

sort

and

of
to

state of nature."

RRWAHI).

convulsion,
falter out,

427

DOG-GREL

! hark ! the

Hark

**

The

Oh

dogs do bark,
"

beggarsare coming
shall I do for

what

BLIND.

POOR

BY

VERSES,

Old

"
.

Ballad.

dog ?

got a particle,
Glohe, Standard, or Sun,

Of

sightI

have

not

none
Times, Chronicle
give me a good leadingarticle.
"

Can

Mastiff

But

led

once

might have

Without

his

Blood-hound

And

led

me

at

as

guide,

valley;

day

astray.

me

tally.

did me
once
good turns
turnspit
and stopping
At goingand crossing,
;

day

one

spitat
Pointer

pointedmy way,
out quiteso pleasant,
turn

once

Each
At

hour
a

Pug

did not

The

feature

stop

very

suit

high pheasant.
me

at

all.

unluckilyrose

up

folks took offence

When
Because

I 'd

Poulterer"'sshop

pointat

And

speed,

greatfire in Wapping.

did not

But

his breed

off at full

Went

served

after

to supper.

milk- woman's

Till

To

amiss,

got the

at hill and

day

To follow

him.

near

much

not

once

good one
He

To

come

could get home

But

not

was

Fox-hound

"

pence

upper
trackingBill Soames,
theives to their homes,

And

never

fear him

to

defence.

instinct at last

But

got

Charitywould

But

about,

me

peopleappeared so

offering
ponce,
turninghis

of his

nose

up.

428

Butcher

once

Bull

A
1

got

dog's

own

toss

he had

Before

dog,

the worst

turn'd out

That

me

gave

BLIND.

POOR

BY

VERSES,

DOG-GREL

one

ot

any

pup,

up,

broughtme

penny.

Dog,
From
regularcadger;
I
But, sightless,saw

My

next

was

Westminster

Aistrop the

He

draw

would

never

well

blind

greyhound I got by

so

man

But, Lord

soon

we

treated my
Of cord like a

He

And

left me

to go

THE

swop.
came

to divorces

strip
slip.

my

BATH

courses.

own

GUIDE.

poodle once towM me along.

But always we
harbour
to one
came
To keep his curls smart.
And

He

badger.

as

his hind part,

constantlycall'd on a barber.
shave

My

next
As

was

POOR

Newfoundland

big as
But

calf fit for

my

back'd

alwaysfell into the water.

once

His

sheep-dogfor guide,

did not

worth

I found

it no

value

button

go,

Smithfield

stand

To

brute,

slaughter
;

had

Ducrow,

four saddles of mutton.

on

was
an
Esquimaux dog,
dog that my bones ache to talk
For pickinghis ways

My

429

BLIND

old cataract

trulyhe

So

BY

VERSES,

GREL

DOG

next
A

On

frostydays

cold

the slides for

pick'dout

He

Bijouwas

walk

on.

lady-likedog,

vex'd

But

on,

at

me

nightnot

little,

When

tea-time

She would
tail had

Her

had

once

And

And
In

of

post like

brother,

thorough,

could stir,

rabbit the

cur

"Without

goinginto the

My

was

next

trump,

defect,and

one

never

'Od

And

well lead another.

far from

was.

had
I

Shock,

lost every tooth

this truthlearning

terrier
He

street

blind cannot

One

go home,
trail'd a tin kettle.

sort

kiss'd

come

not

once

was

led

me

Borough.

Dalmatian, the dog !

in danger,oh crikey!

By chasinghorse heels,
wheels,
carriage

Between
Till I

The

came

boards that

that I had

next

A"nd

upon

was

once

With
And

Right up

Nero,
so

to his den

from

was

favourite

spaniel

led
like

spiky.

Cross,

dead.

now

was

were

Daniel.

4i30

OREL

DOG

As

far

tried, and

mongrel

the

Endangers
breed

The

setter

In

is

alleys or
Till
A

At

one

very

had

once

And

My

dead

set,

Is

Unless

that

mere

can

barrow,

went

mad,

got

him

run.

with

he

profitshave
My trade has

crossing.

that

when

me

I fear

that

was

man

in

horse

to

came

And

Pepper

I met

dog

lossine;,

taste,
my
broad
or
narrow,

day

sorry

It

streets

dead

very

of

quite to

was

did,

blind.

fond

so

BLIND.

POOR

kind

the

that

Except

he

profitand

the

as

BY

VERSES,

gun

ought
the

gone

to

been

such

aim

my

losinggame,
find

*'

Retriever.

OOC-BKRRY."

to

have

shot

dogs,
deceiver,

him.

431

KANGAROOS.

THE

FABLE.

of married

PAIR

(The
Were

kangaroos

is oft

case

trade

littlebrisk and
As

to

son

busy chap,
just then

all the littleK.'s

About

two

some

They'renot
A

to choose

put their eldest

to

too)

one

greatlypuzzledonce

A
A

luiman

so

months

off the

longin

arms

are

"

lap,
"

ar**

men

as

twist in each

parentalmuzzle
hardshipof the puzzle

Betray'dthe
So much
Is framed
And

"

the flavour of life'scup

by earlywrong

Kangarooswe

Dependent on
The

know

question,with

Was

quite

are

"

their

right.

or

rearingup."

its ins and

outs.

intricate and full of doubts

And
For

yet they

trades

Such

unfit

notion

had

had

never

For

they had no
Howbeit
they'renot
That

squeamishcarings

no

fit for

or

an

gentry.
entry,

armorial

bearings.

the last

earth

on

might indulgein

Whoe'er

has

seen

in and out

Bob

Would

They

their mother's
with

own,

born

not

are

prideof birth ;
their infant young
pokes,
ready tongue.

very

like

folks.

common

Well, thus the serious

It

kept the

subjectstood.
pairwatchful nightly,
good,
young hopeful's
old

Debatingfor
he might earn
his livelihood.
And go throughlife (like
them) uprightly.

That

w\iuld not

Arms

do

In that line all his

And
Unless
For
He

was

At
And

He

was

at all ; no,

was
agriculture

they
ever

not

proper.
the lad to tarry

meant

as

marry.

miscarry;

race

mere

well

clod-hopper.
for

preaching.
style:
striking
for beingmercantile
as
for over-reaching.
not form'd
not

cut

out

least in any

"

432

KANGAROOS.

THE

law

The

doctor

In

would

He

haberdasher

But

the

there

For
A

stage
him

see

;
rigging-mounter

had

merit,

some

still ran

counter

counter,

just suppose
chose

lady

him

ask

To

make

not

him,

engage.

the

on

I think

tragicsocks

In

scarce

going

for

as

fee him

ever

could

he

music

And

would

who

"

him

debarr'd

bar

the

plainlyfrom

And

still fate ill-starr'd

there

why

"

for

of ferret !

yard

gardener digging up his beds,

The
puzzled parents shook their heads.
"

tailor would

They paused
Some

and

short

each

anxious

seem'd

And

in the

At

last thus

Or

hinder
"

In

weighing
Theyjump'd
"

Let's make

nearer,

night
their way

saw

musing

elbows
no

no

"

they

course

to

get
posingquite

'Twas

came

Kangaroo
through and through

the matter

By day they

It

his paws.

glanced upon

parish post, though fate should place it

it ?
him, how could he embrace

Discuss'd

Of

"
"

"

Before

In

do because

not

their

on

if you

thought
every
upon
the

knees

"

please
"

was

ever

and

why

it both

imp

clearer

no

brighter!

whether,

together
"

short-hand

writer

'

MORAL.

I wish

all human

Would
Some

argue
would-be

Would

parents
what

their

critics that

be in trades

so

sons

are

fit for ;

I know

tlieyhave

more

wit for.

434

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

C
which
tTie letter of introduction to Doctor
delivering
As the sick man
under his medical
care.
said,
to placeme
was
I
trusted
into the gin-shopinstead of the hospital,
he went
when
w
hich
weather
the
was
Whenever
therefore,
permitted,
to natur."
to the fore,I haunted
books
the
new
there
w
hen
no
were
generally
the
with
rod
visits
intended
to
a
bums,
banks and braes,or paidflying
called
fishes
But I
trout.
that
to punish
amongst
risinggeneration
in plenty,but like obstinate
whipped in vain. Trout there were
neither be pulledout
double teeth,with a bad operator,they would
Still the sport,if so it might be called,
out of themselves.
come
nor
the whole
of the
had its own
attractions,
as, the catchingexcepted,
the
at my
"Waltonish enjoymentswere
command,
contemplative
quiet,
and
the
not
wholesome
the sweet
air,
picturesque
country
scenery
the
mill ;
the homely repast at the shealing
or
to forgetthe relishing
from

"

"

had

for

alone, but often

I went

sometimes

withal,for
literary
unwound

and

company,

then

we

line of

in the

still listen,
trudginghomewards
of that

and
an
original,
journeyman tobacco-spinner,
whence
and
in
his
he
anon
he had a reel
ever
head,
Methinks
I
Allan Ramsay, or Beattie,or Bums.

attendant

our

were

we

the recitation

gloaming,to

stanza, beginning
appropriate
"

delivered

with

mechanic,who

the hamlet

the close of the day when

"At

gusto perhaps onlyto

had

"

nothingbut

still,"

was

be felt

by

day-labouring

eveningsto himself."

his

with the zest with which

stillsympathise

he dwelt

Methinks

the

pastoral
images
holiday gave him the
on

chance
when
a
rarelyrealized,
in lieu of the stale odour
flower
the
o
f
living
fragrance
fresh-breathing
understand
I can
of the Indian weed : and philosophically
now
why
sublimed
seemed
to
and
feelings,
poetry, with its lofty aspirations
sound so gratefully
to the ear from the lipsof a
squireof low degree."
to humanity in the abjectThere is somethingpainfuland humiliating
and

dreams

so

"

of

ness

mind,

that too often

accompaniesthe

sordid

condition

of

the

to find the
consolatory
mind of the poor man
risingsuperiorto his estate,and compensating
that
intellectual
by
enjojnnentfor the physicalpains and privation

working classes ;

belongto

his humble

in the garner,

ox

the

pride,if

brother

for

to

horse

if resolved that
no

in

charity,of

above

the level of the

the mill,ought to be
the fellow creature

to
acceptable

that calls him

dancing,but againstwhich innocent

in settingtheir faces,as
our
magistracypersist
low neighbourhoodshould
enjoy no dance but St.

music
instance,

and

of

unbendingssome
and
Vitus's,

the

raises him

Whatever

lot.
the

or

not

it is soothingand

whereas

fiddle but the Scotch.

afterwards added, bringing

was
open-airpursuits,sailing
me
acquaintedwith the boatmen and fishermen of The Craig,a hardy
from whom
first derived
perchancewas
race, roughand ready-witted,
from Flag Admirals
for all marine bipeds and sea-craft,
partiality
my
the
Jack
first-rate
down
the
humble
boatie that
to
to
Junk,
proud
To

these

the

"wins

The

bread."

bairns'

436

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

Tay

is

Dundee

at

river,with a racingtide,which, when it differs with

will get up '"^jars"
(Anglice waves) quiteequal to
manufacture.

It

the

of boat

rudiments
need

at

take

to

found
called

so

"

the

Mail

of

good preparatory school

for

intrusted with

four old man-of-war

boyish pride

some

the

sionally
occa-

the Coach-Boat

guidanceof

requiredat

that

the

It not

oars.

"

the laddie

"

vote, and sometimes

by the unanimous
w
ho
invariablypitchedupon
ladies,

of the

learning

by the Edinburgh
passengers
the utmost
exertions of the crew,

when

were

s-men,

quentlyhappened,however
ousted

family

carryingthe

its

in a calm,
particularly

"

contrary wind,

those

without

Not

port.

myself
from

noble

craft ; whereof
I acquired enough to be able
helm
without
either going too near
the wind or

the

too distant from

least

at

was

broad

unfre-

unceremoniously
united strength,
oldest old gentleman

was

by
the

the

in the vessel to
"

of

Brethren

It

TrinityHouse

our

of these

during one

was

too

the

with

connexion

day, there

and

Rich

livelyturtle.
like Moore's

that

was

will

late conviction,that

the

the best Pilots.

that I witnessed

smile

rare

of

London.

it was,

as

under

comic
serio-

what

forget on

the other
passengers

a fine
gourmand'saffection,

it did
the

sighaccordingto

or

bound, but amongst

stock-dove

heroine,but
as
jealousof

half-

brief voyages,

Corporationof

it was
pilgrimage

unconscious

baggage, some

not

were

the reader

which

accident,at

gaun."

all the

"

Elder

one

her

being the landingwith

consequence
the town
and a
below
above or

The
mile

his

baud

Steer her up and

travel

not

of

unprotected

vigilant
guardian,
the eyes that looked amorously at his charge,
who
seemed
ward
been
in Chancery. So far
a
as if the latter had
namely, as far
when
the
of
of mischief,
the spirit
as the middle
or
Tay so good ;
of
the
convenience
and
or
a
sea-bath,
curiosity, humanity, suggested
the refreshment the creature
might derive from a taste of its native
Testudo was
lifted over
the side,and indulged
element.
Accordingly,
was

care

"

"

with

and

dip

wallop in the wave, which actuallyrevived it so

with its fore-finsit soon
from a playfulflapping
began

that
powerfully,
In
like a giant refreshed with brine.
most
to struggle
vigorously,
which, added to its weight,left no
fact, it paddled with a power
alternative to its guardianbut to go with it,or without it. The event
soon

off.

came

The

tumbled

man

backward

plungedforward into the deep.

glimpseof the broad back-shell

turtle

There

"

over

with
made

at least under!*

or

"

his boat-hook, at
a

blow

with

heaved
confusion,

ought to

have

his

oar

In vain
the

fatal

at the

of the

spot

Tay

was

the waters

one

in

in

boat, and the

into the

splash
"

boatmen

aimed

particular in

vain

"

general
"

closed,and

whilst

ary
moment-

all
a

was

lunge

another

third,in

his

coil of rope, as he would, could,should, might,or

The
done to a drowning Christian.
Amphibious was
a

ff2

436

with

reach, and

their

beyond

**

Never

shall

world

The
Its

all before it where

was

placeof rest, and

homeward

that
feeling

instinctive

an

and

doubt, making westward

no

all its might, with

DILEMMA.

DOMESTIC

THE

to choose

its guide."

Providence

capable of reminiscences,the

forget,whilst

face
The

mourning mate thus suddenly bereaved of his turtle !

unfortunate
shepherd,Ding-dong, in Rabelais, could hardly
of that

have

unutterably dozed, crazed, mizmazed, and

when
his whole flock and stock of golden-fleeced
sheep
flabbergasted,
board
overthemselves
to
leaping
death,by
wilfully
suicidically
sheepwashed
! He said littlein words, but more
clapped his hands
eloquently
had
to his waistcoat, as if the loss,
literally flown
as the nurses
say,
and calAnd
to his stomach."
truly,after promisingit both callipash
could
cold comfort
with the delicious green fat to boot, what
lipee,
looked

utterly and

more

"

"Cauld

THE

that there

was

kail in Aberdeen?"

DILEMMA;

DOMESTIC

THE

FROM

reflection
chilling

the miserable

well be colder than

^rue

GERMAN

OF

Sbtorg,
NEMAND.

PAUL

JEAN

I.

CHAPTER
"

wits' ends !
at my
perfectly
As
Madame
Doppeldick said this,she thrust both h-er fat hands
time giving
into the pocketsof her scarlet cotton
apron, at the same
in which heads
a case
her head a gentleshake,as if implyingthat it was
She was
avail.
and hands could be of no possible
standingin a little
which
her eyes
between
from two
beds,
dormitory,exactlyequidistant
ten minutes
and her thoughtshad been alternating
some
past. They
four
small
cribs,
cots,
legs,such
were
troughs upon
beds, pallets,
"

AM

"

"

"

in their picturesof the

manger
beds are not intended to carry double,and in
Nativity. Our German
would
obscure out-of-the-wayvillageas Kleinewinkel, who
such an

as

old

the

think

of

of box

painters represent

findingany thing better

just too

between

two

when
standing,
at
perfectly

Now,

the

the

my

littlefor

in the

bed, and

way

justtoo

of

largefor

couch
a

than

coffin ?

It

Doppeldick
bedlings,then, that Madame
"
I
out into tho aforesaid exclamation
she broke

such

"

wits' ends !
wits'

ends

sort
was
was
am

"

of

Madame

Doppeldick scarcelyextended

THE

her scull than

farther from
far

they

to recede

and

4^7

DILEMMA.

the horns
that

beyond her nose, and

apt

were

DOMESTIC

of
was

snail.

short

one
; and
the first obstacle

in from

draw

seldom

They

to feel her own

as
leavingtheir proprietor
way,
satisfied
themselves
at all.
Thus, having

wits' ends

no

truded
pro-

moreover
countered,
they en-

if she had

that

there

only two beds in the rooms, they left the poor lady in the lurch,
she was
to provide for the
and absolutely
at a nonplus,as to how
who
of a third sleeper,
accommodation
was
expectedto arrive the same
in the house, and it
only one best bed-room
evening. There was
bed-room
for
servant,
also
worst
be
the
to
;
Gretchen,the maidhappened
home
went
To be sure
a
nightlyto sleep at her mother's.
the
but
be
in
shake-down
to be sure
the parlour
spread
parlour;
might
the young
also a shop of all sorts ; and to be sure
ofiicer would
was
to be very sure, Mr. Doppeldick
objectto such accommodations
; and
the
would
to
shake-down, and givingup the two beda
objectequally
were

"

went

the young
officer.
said the perplexed Madame

to his wife and

overhead
God

me,"
forgive

killed at

had

or
Leipzig,

to be billeted

came

"

i'll

take

got

of

us

on

the lipsof Madame

escapedfrom
chapter,it must
gone

be remembered

She

for her

size.

to court

without

was

gloryanywhere

as
aspiration

an

Doppeldickat
was

that
corpulent,

hoop, her

of

II.

that she
so

bed

you."

with

bed

unchristian-like

so

"

CHAPTER

In extenuation

Doppeldick,as she
Captain Schenk had been

but I wish

"

the battle of

else,before he

"

the stairs ;

slowly down

arms

were

too

the

woman

she

the

end

one

which

of the last

cacy
great delimight safelyhave
of

big for legs;

and

as

passed for a miracle of industry,even

amongst the
of
laborious hard-workinginhabitants
Kleinewinkel,that she knitted
her own
that she ate heartily,
drank
stockings.It must be confessed,
for

her

it
legs,

and sleptheartily
heartily,
; and
to do her

good,for she

never

seemed
slept,
till
horizontally,

all she ate, drank, and

ceased

growing,

at least

438

DOMESTIC

TBE

she did

ample justiceto
of

the bulk

the

DILEMMA

which

name

Still,as
remained
modesty of her mind
even
more
tremulously sensitive.
the Utopian
to entertain
she seemed

the
In

own

native

the

body increased,

her

her

became

same

spite of

sive
shrinkingunobtruor

by marriage.

rather

it became

her

huge dimensions,
desire of being seen
by no eyes
life
of passingthrough
unnoticed
and
husband
of her
those
save
;
the
with
of
she
unknown
in short
a
was
globe-peony
feelings a
;
her
sensibilities
what
shock
received
violet.
a
blushing
Judge then
the shadiest
idea of the strange captain intruding on
from
the mere
position,
of domestic
haunts
privacy ! Although by birth,education, and disports
as
loyalas the sunflower to the sun, in the first rash transshe wished
and
vexation
of her trepidation
thing but well
any
to her liegesovereign the
wondering bitterlywhy
King of Prussia
his
reviews
and
his majesty could not contrive to have
sham-fightsin
"

Berlin

had,

itself ;

and

least in Posen, where

at

or

lodgingsto

let for

there

Then

singlemen.

spare

again, if

beds

the

be

to

master
Quarter-

notice,why, Mr.
extra
an
or
they might have
Doppeldick might have run
room,
up
lath
and
with
chamber
plaster or
parted off a portionof their own
thousand
done
a
things; for instance,they might
they might have
had

condescended

were

but

to

give

quarters

"

have

sold their house

in their

unawares
as

if he

it when

he

came

"

and

left the

sanctorum

own

tumbled

had

really too bad

and

through
she wondered

country, instead

by
the

being thus taken

strange gentleman, as suddenly

roof.

what

Mr.

"

It

WISH

WAS

WELL

THROUGH

too

Doppeldick

home."

was

of

IT.

bad

"

would

it

was

say

to

DOMESTIC

THE

ALL

WE

SMOKE

GERMANY.

IN

CHAPTER

He

III,

home
Doppeldickdid come
out
onlypulledhis tobacco-bag

Mr.

of the

other,and

pipe out
as complacentlyas

he had

truth was,

The

partner possessedso
upon.

pipe,with
tube

he said

been

nothingto

and
coat-pocket,

one

his tobacco-

and fell to
light,

Captain Schenk

no

it at all.

smoking,

in the world.

which his
nicetyof feeling
he
took
no
more
eminently,and, accordingly
dilemma

Moreover, when
portraitof Kant

he
on

nervous

than the walnut-wood

once

had

the bowl

chair that he

in his mouth
of

his favourite

it,he sucked

sort of Transcendental

Philosophywhich
to say nothing of such
life,

ills of human

the

of

of that

none

interest in her domestic

sat

and

"

then he struck

if there had

439

DILEMMA.

throughits

elevated him

above all

little domestic

veniences
incon-

the present. If the house had been as big as the hotel de

with as many
chambers
and spare beds in
Nassau, at Schlangenbad,
to
it or a barrack,with quartersfor the captain and his company
as

"

boot

beds and

about

calm

; and

the voice and

words

of his

helpmate
all her doubts,and difficulties,
a littlesharp and
querulousin detailing
in
could
raise
the
and disagreeables,
not
even
a
ripple
they
should they ? His equable
placidexpanse of his forehead. How

his eyes
grew

contentedly.'Thevery talk
puffedon more
him
lull
into a sort of sleep with
beddingappearedto

he could not have

"

German

open

good

attacks, which

even

humour
had

so

when

might well be
long withstood

the stomach.
Temper s very citadel,
He
his dailydiet was
of sours.

invulnerable
every

ate

internal

instance,the

For
**

to

all outward
one,

ay,

"

part of

better

and
sauer-kraut,*"

in

"

sauer-

440

braton," with sour

pickled plums by
bread

brown
"

DOMESTIC

THE

"

then,

"

and

sours,

soured

"

"

being ever

"

"

down,

of

way
"

he

Still,I

salad, and

with

sourish

drank

wliich

of

sauer-wasser,"
mentioned

by

saucr-milch

these

peculiarbrunnen.

own

others
not
many
could
nor
they turn

flowed

that

its

had

Kleinewinkel

wash

to

and

Essigberger wine,

sauer-ampfer

dessert, and

of

way

and

"

and

sauce

DILEMMA.

the
say,

sourish

villageof
all these

by

besides, his temper

was

never

kindness
drop of the milk of human
in his bosom.
features
Instead,therefore,of his round
rumpled and crumpled, and furrowed
by the share
ploughup

of

one

thing on his face but the same

phlegmatic philanthropy. In spite of the
of complaint that kept pouring into his ear, he forgaveCaptain
stream
Schenk
the bottom
from
of his soul for being billeted
him
on
; and
the
entertained
more
no
spleen towards
King of Prussia and the
passion,you
everlastingsub-smile

Quarter-master,

than

saw

never

any

of

did

he

towards

the

gnat

that

bit

he dropped a
length,his pipe wanting replenishing,

At

him

few

last year.

comfortable

he refilled the bowl, and

wife, meanwhile
brought the
engine again into play :
As
for undressing,Malchen,
before the strange man
puff
^before
can't
he
to
and
we
why
bed, ^puff
does, puff puff
so
go
end
the
to
!
matter
an
puff puff puff
})ut
I live upon
and
As
damsons
bullases !
the plum
(for it was
Madame
season,)exclaimed
Doppeldick, clappingher fat hands with
delight, I,never
thought of that ! Gretchen, my lass,get the supper

words

his

to

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

*'

ready immediately,for

your

I !

Dietrich

"

we

and
can

then, my

own

good

is mortal

master

dear, we'll

bundle

!"

"

THE

LAST

:N

BED

TO

PUT

OUT

THE

LIGHT.

hungry,

and

off to bed

as

so

fast

am

as

442

DOMESTIC

TUB

the

house, at

time

same

and placinga
rising,

that side of the table which

without
his dark

the

upon

table,and

chair for his

between

he
steadystare.
the chances he had
review ; or, possibly,
calculating
forwarded to Berlin,to
he had lately
an
application
the

Royal

Madame

Guards

her mind

up

that he

be

very

in favour of

exchangedinto

set every

nerve

from his

minutes

in two

was

made

sufficed to

; but the circumstance

and
Doppeldicka- vibrating,

she had made

his

palms,he fixed
of Madame
Doppeldick in a long
was
only mentallyreviewingthe

his cheeks

It is true that

and

guestat

the oysters. The officer,

himself into the seat,and then, resting
farthest from

blushingface

the

on

eyes

was

threw

ceremony,

any

his elbows

DILEMMA.

of

arrival,

bold,forward,and presuming

man.

young
It is

when
astonishing,
rapidlyit grows, and how

polypus,it extends

have

we

once

conceived

it finds
plentifully

its thousand

feelers

on

nutriment

how
prejudice,
! Like

every side,for any

the

sea

thing

of
particleafloat in the ocean
it
So
their
from the tenacity
of
was
grasp.
the
with Madame
From
s
captain
Doppeldick.
mistrusting
eyes, she
his
to suspect his nose, his mustachios,his mouth,
chin,and
came
the slight
furrow of a sabre cut that scarred his forehead justover
even
that he had received it in no
the left eyebrow. She felt morally sure
but in some
seen
scandalous duel.
battle-field,
Luckilyshe had never

they can layhold of,and

cannot
conjecture
escape

Mozart's

celebrated

CaptainSchenk

the smallest

as

set down

have
inevitably
masqueradinghero, Don

she would

or

opera,

its libertine

Giovanni

himself !
You

"

will be

sharpCaptain,"
host,
hospitable

set for supper,

said the

pushing

towards

guest

dish

home-made
the

his
lean

of

bacon

Captain

but

took

no

more

tation
notice of the invi-

been

stunned

than

by

the

if he

had

stone-deaf

at
artillery

in the
sham-fight

the

ing.
morn-

he
Possibly

did not

bacon,

or,

at

rate, such bacon

as

like

set

before him;

put

the

naked

any
was

for

Truth

to
on

her bare

oath,the Kleineed
pigsalways lookif
as
they got their
l
ike
cockroaches,
living,
by creeping through
winkel

cracks.

However, he

HAM

WHAT

FALLING

OFF

WAS

THERE.

changed his posture,but kept

never

intolerable eyes stillfixed

on

his dark

his hostess's full and flushed face.

Ho

THE

DOMESTIC

443

DILEMMA,

stared,"if he iiiust stare

mended
(some of it elaborately

mightjust as

well have

of old

"

at the shelves-full

and riveted)
in the
family china
the
door
of
she
which
had
corner
left open on purpose ; but
cupboard,
he had, apparently,
such considerate respectfor female
no
modesty.
*'

Saint Ursula

of

our

years

the Eleven

and

Madame

Thousand

Doppeldickto herself.
and

bulk

be

to

Dietrich would

that

get into

may

make

Dietrich
a

due

haste with

more

sow

enough for people

his supper, that

wo

BULLFINCH."

PIPING

in

was

V.

to

her
swilling

such

no

swallow
wash

and

hurry.

of the

sense
grateful

Creator, ought not

of

!" said the disquieted

lie double ;" but to have a

fellow in the same
chamber"
I do

CHAPTER

with

us

bed first!

man,

near

"

"

Honest

be

It is hard

obligedto

strange,wild, rakish,staring
young
wish

"

rational,
moral,pious

of certain
sapidity

giftsof

the

post-hasteindifi^erence
Doppeldick did not taste

the

them

with

as

Dietrich

well
sort of religious
as
a
obligation,
oystersonce
years, it was
fish
that the relish of each particular
secular temptation,
as a positive
the palateby an orderly,
on
should
be prolongedas far as possible
in ten

instead of bolting
Accordingly,
deglutition.
for
them
a
the oysters as if he had been
wager, he sate
swallowing
soberly,with his eyes fixed on the two plumpest,as if only awaiting
to
the
good night of his guest to do ample and christian-like justice
In vain hia
Kloot.
of his good friend Adam
the edible forget-me-nots
his toes as longas she could
wife looked hard at him, and trod on
reach them, besides being seized with a short hectic cough that was
any thingbut constitutional
Lord, help me 1" said Mrs. Doppledickin her soul,too fluttered
It's as easy to catch
to attend to the correctness of her metaphors

decorous,and

'

deliberate

'

"

"

"

444

THE

DOMESTIC

me
the eye of a post! He minds
I mightas well
of a stock-fish !
"

In

DILEMMA.

no

more

cough

than

if I trod

into the

ears

of

on

the toes

stone

wall."

honest Dietrich
fact,

the
totally
forgotten

had

dilemma.

domestic
"

will

He

his eyes
Madame

take

never

ofi^,"
thought
Doppeldick,

a
stealing
glanceacross

the table

"

was

never

stared at, never,

I was
and wore
a girl

since

so

!I

tails
pig-

expect every

he will

me."

embrace

ment
mo-

up and

jump

as
Where-

ther
nothingcould be furfrom
the Captain's
talion
thought.The second bathad joined
that very
and
morning, accordingly

had

kissed,or been
by, all its eight
tall
and-twenty officers,
fat
or
or
short,
lean,fair or swarthy, which was quitekissing
enougli
for a reasonable day'sration.
The truth is,he was
a
t
himself.
staring
He had just,mentally,put on
a
new
uniform,and was lookingwith
he

kissed

KISSING

GOES

BY

FAVOUR.

"

of his eyes

the back

Royal Guards.
however,

stare,

at

his

own

brilliant

as
figure,

It was,
wardly,
out-

Madame

at

took
Doppeldick,who
everything to herself,
buttons,
lace,bullion,
frogs,

cufis,
collars,
lettes,
epauand
knows
"

she

the

besides.

what

I would

to heaven!"
"

wished,

never

into

Deuce

he

thoughtof
the

army,

least that

"

had

going
or

at

the Quartermaster

had

never

taken

it into his stupidhead to

quarterhim
gay
well

waltz

onus.

Young

Captains are
very
to flirtwith, or to
with,

but

years and bulk

quiteout of the

at

my
is
waltzing
!"
question

waltzing

to

nkw

air.

Captainin

the

THE

DOMESTIC

CHAPTER

last Captain Schenk

At
eyes

her

fresh alarm

his.fists

clenched

"

head, as
upwards

his

free-and-easymouth.

then

he

raised his

towards

arms

and
crucified,

only

was

First

then

his

all

jaws

after

give

all

of

turninghis

yawned
day, without prey, in a ten-foot cage
Auw-yauw-au-ya-augh-auwayawauwghf !"
By all the Saints," thought the terrified Madame
!
he will be for packingoff to bed at once
and in
she
of inducinghim
to
seized,yes,
sup beforehand,
"

to

full stretch above

with his eyes shut, and

ceiling,
as
panthernever
yawned
yawn

the

such

he

be

to

at

averted his familiar

it

Doppeldick ; but

with

wanted

he

if

VI.

changedhis posture,and

the face of Madame

from

DILEMMA.

he
his
face

open

prowling

"

''

"

"

'*

"

seized

dish of

devoted

the

the home-made

with

tread

the

on

bacon, just under

Dietrich's

honest

now

oysters,and

turn

to

of stock-fish

toes

try
;

to

made
the

catch

however,

Doppeldick,
the vain
she

hope
actually

relieve

them

the

of

eyes
for this time

guard,
It

Captain'snose.

was

posts, and
the natives

safe.

were
"

leave,
your
said the abominable

By
Madame,"

voice

through

the mustachios, " I will

take

nothing except
"What

candle.

heavy rain

and
first,
artillery

at

the horse

then

with the

ing
ploughingup our marchground,I am really
with my day's
dog-tired
If you

work.
the

me

to my

me
"

chamber
Not

for the whole

exclaimed

world!"

horrified Madame
"

the

peldick
Dopfor

not

"

world,

whole

do

fore,
favour, thereshow

to

"

will

the

mean,

till you
have hob-andnobbed with us
at least
"

with

the

and,

like

good
a

man"

warm-hearted

she

snatched

barrel.

If she

could

let who

would

be

if she

jumped

enough,
"

but

HOB

AND

NOB.

"

hostess,jealousof the

up
but

the

the

and
spare-candle,

set them

down

second, she would

into it with

all her

alas ! it fell

clothes

through,like

to

hurried

the

off to

the

she calculated,
drinking,

herself be
on.

of her hospitality,

honour

It

was

the firstin
a

rest !
"

bed,
likelyscheme

Before

she had

446
drawn

half

which

she

flask of

suddenly

for
Holzapfelheimer,
or
Essigberger,

alarmed

was

back

the

on

DILEMMA.

DOMESTIC

THE

by

forget
pushed
a
tramplingof
bottle" and forgot
chairs

screech of two

double

the

uncarpetedfloor. Then came

and althoughshe droppedthe

lightand heavy feet

the candlestick
to turn the spigot and carried the candle without
of all the haste she
in spite
behind her, still,
and left her left slipper
"

"

"

"

could

make,

turned
coat-tails,

Prussian-blue

just in time
red, whiskingin

the stair-foot

she only reached

up with

to

two

see

room
bed-

at the

door !

**

NEXT?"

WHAT

THE

AS

SAID

FROG

WHEN

CHAPTER
"

On

FELL

was

drawn

few

seconds the

VII.
"

Moselle,in

vacant
Captain's

and

"

no
a

another

wonder

dry

instead

"

; for

was

had

of steam-powers,

tender

"

travelled

up

of

he
attraction,

of his

In

own.

souvenirs,of about

over
sliding
They

another.

and

they
not
schiff^,"
a

sort

some

chair, instead

bun,
"

by

Kloot's

of Adam

plumpest
shape of a penny

went

so, and

little parlour,where,

into the

the size and

OFF.

ill-luck that pursues us ! exclaimed

the
killing
her
with
husband
his
mouth
returned,
Doppeldick,as

the

to
watering,

or

TAIL

the cruel,the

forlorn Madame

another

HIS

his
were

tongue.

little gone

the Rhine

towed
dampschifi^,"
the
stream.
against

Then

by

and

the

powers,
real horse-

To

tell the

THE

naked

truth,there

DOMESTIC

in the world

words

only four

were

447

DILEMMA.

freah Cod's head could have said to them,

NONE

No

for
something

sharp instead

could

wished

have

spinningprolixanswers
They are good very !
couple.'*
"

"

the mind

oysters:

I do not

with

was

think

such

fixed

gape

bo

humour, you may

Malchen

Just

"

eat

occupiedwith any thing

thingsabove,or at least overhead.
all night,"
she murmured, concluding

upon

sit up
the
that
tears
I

no

excellent !

"

forlorn Malchen

of the

it

in

was

long-windedspeeches.

or

"

But

SAUCE.

and

sure, for

but

namely"

down

Kloot

ably
respect-

did
they went glibly,
glibly. The lemon-juice
them, and the vinegarstill more, by making them seem
of flat. Honest
Dietrich enjoyed them
as mightily
as

matter

Adam

VOUR

OF

that

can

was

her

between
squeezedout plentifully

fat littleeyelids.
"

I've found

schloo"
is

00

bad

only one

00

"

ooop

"

"

established formula

no

schloo
"

"

"

for

is

with two
The

"

"

in

"

"

or

justlike
We

can

No

her

"

so

very

bed

warm,

the

so

on

"

and

Schloo
And
man,

"

if

ever

"

gamut

There
to

of
syllables

"

Doppeldick,
won't

open

"

"

"

Doppeldick,

all round, and

the

over

tent."
general's

Well

00

the

aforesaid

the littlewindow

Dietrich,
curtains,
ooop

"

no," objectedMadame
"

B.

"

schloo

"

"

N.

"

canvass

go

head.

young

crotchets

and

oyster:

an

full of black mud

Dietrich.

"

have

into
maybe blundering
"

was

Englishdo it,Malchen, schloo" oo

ooop !"
the English beds have curtains,"said Madame

thick stuff

top

that

"

But

"

and

ooop,"must stand in their stead.

continued Madame
sleepingin my clothes,"
00

the weather

and

"

As

00

"

"

of minims

represent the swallowingof

"

one

honest
slirropped

!"

00

"

no

wrong

00

"

saw

the
Dietrich,

"

to bed

in the

dark, Malchen."

Doppeldick,with

blindman*s-buff work,

grave shake

Dietrich,
"

of

and

beds."

ooop."
wild, rakish, immoral, irreligious-looking
Captain is one !"

448

Schloo

"*

"

Did

')o

"

Schloo

"

And

ooop."

"

stared at

shamefullyhe

observe, Dietrich,how

you

*'

00

"

DILEMMA.

DOMESTIC

THE

me

"

ooop."

"

the cut

forehead,Dietrich,I'll

his

on

bound

be

got it

he

for

"

good !

no
"

Schloo

"

00

"

Confound

offended

burst in

what

can

all

"

do, Malchen?"

honest

asked

nets

ing
Dietrich,look-

engrossingdish, whence

the

from

vanished, leaving only

all

the

the

at

!"

one

first time

!" exclaimed

boot

oysters to

patience
beyond
I
I
wish, do, that the
partner.

connubial

of her

oysters had

penny

his

Doppeldick, irritated

catchingthem

for the

up

and

Kloot

Adam

apathy

"Why,

ooop."

"

Madame

bovine
had

00

"

the

the

one-a-

two-a-penny

ones

behind.
"

Saint Ursula

relapsinginto
will

Then

Schloo
"

its former

you
00

"

00

"

I believe

that

had

cast

Did

Not

talked

all about

Malchen,
00

"

our

"

It

in

for

bed

is

there

sure

dick,
Doppel-

is

door

the

next

and

"

are

you

the

tain
Cap-

window

with

"

Dietrich, who, like

honest

soldier,and

as

years

militarymanoeuvres.
But

him

saw

eyes,

did

what

then

took

therefore

was
a

word
far

was

bed

into the

get
and

Not

"

with

of it

"

better,my
patchwork

the

his candle

away

all other

Schloo

"

oop!"
done

was

dish,and

like

dear, kind, Dietrich," exclaimed

own

my

Domestic

months
dish

was

between

Dilemma

her

after

contained

two
"

as

his

the
was

before

way
the ice has

sung,

in

Doppeldick,and

kissed him

saw

ooop"

one

sophy
philo-

little landing-

exactlyoppositethe

the

was

review.

owti

my

two

she actuallypulled up
feelings,
The

oop,

"

of transcendental

sentence

be

answered

his

the

delightedMadame

the

Schloo

all,"said Madame

after

To

his

that

of it !

served

coverlet,with
"

and

"

word

moderatelyinterested

"

Malchen.

it,

coverlet?"

Prussians,had
we

the way
husband's

light.
"

tell him

you

that I

know

"

patchwork

own

only

brisklyacross the room, and jumped in But

Dietrich,that you explainedevery thing correctlyto

sure,

"

scuttled

one

the

of

out

be

her

place at the stair-head

if

room

must

new

melancholy.

voice

ooop."

"

mind

whose

on

00

"

"

!"

undress

must

Doppeldick,her

sighedMadame

of

tone

in the

undress

never

"

!"

only knows

disarmed

her, as
broken

up.
oysters, the

be continued

bullet-head

the

of

from

her

the

chin.

and

of

clear

revulsion

sudden

round

huge

nose

arrangedfor

{To

the

and

From

its

horns, Madame

open
that

as

at page

407.)

"

oo

peldick
Dop-

Rhine

moment,

air of "Schloo
duet."

the

three

long as

as

"

oo

"

oo

"

450

FOR

ODE

NOVEMBER.

OP

NINTH

THE

showingCordwainers and dapper Drapers

Sadly in want of brushes and of scrapers ;
Making the Grocer's company not fit
And

For company

bit ;

Dying the Dyers with a dingyflood,

Bakers,
Daubing incorporated
And leading
the Patten-makers,
their very pattens in the mud,
O Lud ! O Lud ! O Lud !

Over

"

To
To

This is

"

sorry sight,"
but oh, it grieves
me
quote Macbeth
a

"

Wives

see

your
White

and

And

cannot

you

"

"

and sallow.

above

see

Such

sable lilies

And

grim daffbdilies

"

Lud

drought,0

not for

yellow
bud,

and
leaf,

artificialflowers,
rose,

pair.

one

cityclouds of black and

but
Drooping,

"

rheums,
catching
brightand fair,''

Angels ever
angelsever brown

eyes
For

plumes

windows

"

But
With

white

plumes not

at open
Sitting

Not

quite,

Daughtersin their

Lud

! O

I may as well,while I'm inclined,

Just go throughall the faults I find :
Lud

Oh

then,with

To

with trumpets, and with drums.

See the ConqueringHero comes,"

"

When

he who

yet upon
That
A

Do

silk

Diamond

But

or

Tartar,

strike

like

"

or

if I may

martyr

Henry

Carter !

"

! I say

seem

can
your Show
and
like silk,

show ;
really
goldcan glow.
how
they shine in May
Sweepers,
there's a sun
to gildthe coach,

sparklein
"

When

can

you

or

changeyour day

at your
it when

And

Lud

Lud

time when

Have

treats him

Cart-Horse
O

Look

march

Horse, Lud,

Turk

littleFrench

Lewis

some

War

chargedon

ever

And

ne'er dealt in blood ?

comes

Thy May'r is not

That

When

air,say
better tune

sound

Than

To

June,

better

find

Could'st thou not

tiara

paste
"

"

bracelet

"

brooch

of sister,
mother, daughter
;

grandeurreallymay be grand
if thy Pageant's
thus obscured by

! it'sten times

"

"

worse

upon

the

water

land
1

"

ODE

FOR

THE

Suppose,O Lud,
I

Who's
see

While

safiron bun

Sister

Anne,
out

about the
And

thy

black mud,

I call to thee,

and

see

bridgeyou

view

them

rally

sally,

ARMS

FOUND.

punt, and cutter ;

wherry,sculler,
Fishmongers'
grand boat, but not for butter,
The Goldsmiths' glorious
galley,
coach aquatic,
the
Lord
course
see
Mayor's
you

With
The

own

nicelyhung

Lud!

Look
course

of cud,
way
tender lung.

verandah

margin of
O

by

of

fog out

perch'din

Over

Of

its plan,

"

keep the

Now

to show

451

NOVEMBER.

Blue

Chewing a
To

OF

Beard''s wife,to sister Anne,

with niece and aunt,
gone to Beaufort Wharf
what she can
and what she can't ;
see

like
call,

To

NINTH

many

"

Of

With
In

goldall

And
Like

Of

that the breezes

silken banners

glowing,
rowing.

in scarlet

men

Doge

course

fan,

of Venice

you

see

to the Adriatic ;

all this,O
gg2

Sister Anne

452

ODE

"

No,

thing!

such

no

see

NOVEMBER.

OF

NINTH

THE

FOR

edge of Beaufort Wharf,

fasten'd to a ring;
coal lighters
With
two
dim
as ghosts,
And,
Two
littleboys are jumping over
posts ;
farther
And
off.
something,
of a dog.
That's rather like the shadow
is
all beyond
And
fog.
and bright,
fine
be
If there
any thingso
To see it I must
see
by second sight.
?
It is not worth a pin !
Call this a Show
I see no
bargesrow.
I

only

the

see

banners

No
The

Without

merely a gallanty-show,
lamp or any candle in."

sister

But

Although
Of

blow;

is

Show

Anne,

dear,

my

cannot

you

"

Or

Huntsman's

Or

Handel's

Oh

music

the water

from

It sounds

else it

can

it first
rich

some

delightful!

comes

where

no

hear

You
Jn

as

C,

flat.

in A

Music

in

Freyschutzfrightful.

the

from

chorus
Water

"

the Sea

sucks,"set in B

the Bee

Where

Or

that.

of

you hear, I'm very sure

The " Water
partedfrom

course

hear ?

stillmay

you

see,

burst,

faintlysighing.
Tenderly dying,

Then

Away
"

And

the

upon

There

is

Through
I

such

think,but

Like

ev'n three

with

fog as this,you

not

am

muffled

sure,

may

I hear

sharps
rely on.
hum,

double

Like

drum.
then a somethingfaintly
shrill,
buz
Fair's
old
at
Pentonville.
Bartlemy

And

now

And

As

very

if from

I'm almost

and

then hear

Pedley'sSoda

ill with

the

strong

And, not to mention

My cough is,more
I reallyfear that I have
O

trumpets, flutes and harps,

and

their way

cut

never

to die on

breeze

no

all their drums

Could

breezes, Sister Anne.

Lud

! 0

Lud

! O

Lud

pop,

Water
scent

shop.
of

mud,

sneezing.
usual, teasing;

than

chill'd my
! 0

Lud

blood,
! 0

Lud

!"

453

SONNET.

The
A

sky
cry

And

is

glowing

in

of fire ! resounds
westward

The

turncock

And

quick

still the
hastens

unlocks

to

the

ruddy

one

from

door

sheet
to

"

door

throngingpeople
F.

P.

pour

"

6 feet,

fountains

of the street

While

rumbling engines,with increasingroar,

Thunder
along to luckless Number
Four,
Where
bread
Mr. Dough makes
for folks to eat.
And
now
through blazingframes, and fierybeams.
The
With
On

Globe,

the

Sun, the Phoenix,

and

what

gushing pipes throw up abundant

streams.
burning bricks, and twists, on rolls ^too hot
shorter
no
scorchingloaves, as if there were
!
cheaper way of making toast-and- water
"

And
And

not.

"

THE

HOUSK

ADJOURNED.

"

454

iUlf\:illilI|,;iUai\l;i.|'i,,
I; inil..nui.;i,l..ti.
FANCY

PORTRAIT

THE

LORD

A\\?

MAYOR.

RONDEAU.

[extracted from

reader, didst thou

CURIOUS

Behold
Seated

worshipful Lord

in his

cast

It is the

May'r

Is

little into
but

pleasant;
high to lowly

From

to

His

blast
by the next November
blushing honours only last

He

casts

One

thy longing-eyes
November
day,

rise from

survey

here

great

moults

The

next

tillnot

sheds

his

slipslike

Ah, could

is

fate

Another

chains,

plume remains
impending May'r distrains

"

His
He

year

in state

Severe.

his fur and

And

sink
a

is overcast,

dear ?

ninth

state

his shine

soon

Chill'd

this way.

One
To

Too

great civic chair

in his new-born

And

annual.]

well-known

ne'er

So
Then

his

through a
little splendour

water

twelvemonth

"

gear.
sieve

he would
One

"

live

give
ear

455

LONDON

FASHIONS

NOVEMBER.

FOR

REMARKS.

No

has

season

the present month.

dresses of

Fancy

Short

in the streets.

appeared,even

skirts and

broad

empty,
at all,have

varietes in costume

offered such

been

indifferently
in much

been

have

and
the coats, Avaistcoats,
and stuffed with hay or straw.

favour

few

very

buttons

have been
pantaloons,
We

calls in

none

the Promenade^ rags

For

; and

padded

half skirts,
and
skirts,

worn.

tatters of all kinds

worn

earlypart of
the most
have
outre
description
waists and long,full sleeves and

whole

narrow,

the

as

and
are

invariably

several

observed

exquisites
skirts,lappels,

great-coats
; the

scare-crow
making morning
and cuffs,
but not too formally,
dyke.
collars,
picturesquely,
jagged,a la Vanall colours at once.
The prevailing
colours
Wigs have been very
both
buzz
been
these
have
en
commonly composed
general
andfrizze;
of deal shavings;but in some
horse-hair.
of tow, and sometimes
cases
For the eveningparty,a few squibsand crackers are stuck in iheperriigtie
"

"

hat,and the

or

sometimes
and
or

lace,and

littlepitchor tar ;

collars,
coquarde.Frills,
of
cambric
entirelysupersededthose
are
description
quitediscarded. Paint has

shirts of every

in much

rov^e;
clothes

are

wheel has been added

Catherine

with

polishedup

are

en

of papiercoup6,have
ruffles,

been

or

and shoes

boots

request,and
patchesare also much

not

essential

ridingwhip
bunch

dandies

would

old

"

of
practice

revived; and it
universally
much
to
Figure
advantage.

the countenance, but

on

is tartan, plush of any

in the ton

la main

the 5th with

:

to evince
"

canes

be

are

mauvais

on

the

colour,
they

but
gloves,

discarded; even
gout^ but

to
is indispensable

beingcarried abroad

must

to
preferred

to

not

appeared on

reckoned

be

been

have

seems

materiel

to be
requisites

of matches

aspirant. The

worn,

favourite

for these the

corduroy. Several

ruddle

penny
half-

fashionable

in chairs has been

confessed,that it exhibits the

456

SYMPTOMS

OF

Amongst the Nouveauth^ we

The
making a felicitous debut.

OSSIFICATION.

observed
coat

the

as
following
Caractere,

of the colour
a-la-militaire,
oifumee de Londres, turned

was

formerlyso much in vogue under the name

with fiamme d^mfer. It was
garni wdth very dead gold; and
up
The pantaloonswere
slashed a-V Espagnole^back
and front.
equally

legbeing composed of Scutch tartan, and the other of

made
en
stripedbed-ticking,
matelot^in compliance
very full,
the prevailing
The
taste for navals.
wig was made of green and
link
for
with
willow shavings,
tied on with a
a
a queue^
large

bizarre;
blue

with
white

of red

darker
tape. The hat,brown, somewhat
It had
to black.
no
beaver, but disinclining

noBud

without
the

one

crown.

bust,gave

down

in the World

We

"

brim, and was

Fire Office,
on

of the Phoenix

are

excited

sensation

Figure,which was going

quited-l'envie by its appearance

of Fashion.

requestedto

invented
entirely

was

badge

the Devonshire

air to the whole

distingue

and
Bond-street,

N. B.

tarnished

than

and

state

that

the above

Strand,who
Hollywell-street,
metropolis.

described

figure

little Solomon

manufactured

by
varietyalways

has

OF

OSSIFICATION.

on

Levy, of
show, about

the

SYMPTOMS

**

An

indifference

to

tears, and blood,and human

that
suffering,

could

only belong to

Boney-parte." Life of Napoleon.

"

Time
For

was,

tale

alwayshad a drop
or
sighof sorrow
;

any
handkerchief

My

Till often

I used

how it is,but
seldom
want
a
eyelids

My

drying;
tell

me

"

heart is

I smile,

now^

laugh while Mrs. Haller's crying;

great

so

heart is

change of style
I
ossifying

"

now

could
doctors,p'rhaps,

how
I fear my

Belvidera

'Tis odd,
I fear my

to sop

forced to borrow;

was

I don't know
The

At
And

!
ossifying

That heart was such

some
years ago,
To see a beggarquitewould shock it,
And
in his hat I used to throw
The quarter's
savingsof my pocket:
"

I never
wish^-as I did then/
O'er Goethe how I used to weep,
The
from my own
means
purse supWith turnipcheeks and nose of scarlet,
pljing.
When
Werter
To turn them all to gentlemen
put himself to sleep
With
!
I fear my heart is ossifying
pistolskiss'd and clean'd by
Charlotte ;
Self-murder is an awful sin,
We've had some
serious things-of
late,
"

"

No

joke there

But

now

at

I fear my

is in bullets flying,

such

heart is

tale I

grin
!
ossifying
"

Our
New
And

sympathiesto beg or borrow,

melo-drames, of tragicfate,
acts, and
sorrow

TheDramaonce

My
The

Each

could shake and thrill

Miss

and set my tears a stealing, And

Siddons then could turn at will
But

nerves,

plug upon

the main

of

feeling
;

I'm

songs,

Zouch's

case,

sundry actors
Lord
sure

and

tales of

!
"

my

our

eyes to melt.

sad

good-bye-ing.

littlehave I felt.
heart is ossifying
!

so

458

SKETCHES

pheasanthe

To

tried the
he
swore

He

They

such

was

seem'd

He

to beat, and found

worth
a pin,
sporting
made
Unless he tried the covers
tin.
Of silver,plate,
or

The

Shooter

In Kent
In

The

the game

Surrey not a
Speaker said

The

LUNAR

wheels, they

going to

his usual Hants,

And

lost his lifein Notts.

plots;
got entrapp'dby legalBerks,

ON

THE

ROAD.

DEATH.

SUDDEN

vehicles.
"With two
one-horse
to
objections
dangerous: with four, generallycruel inventions,

are

animal

with

the

labour

And, in either case,

the road, you have no
on
to be
rest of the stage; or

of two.

survivor

drag your can-iage

through the
his
coachman
with
the
on
gallopping

That

Bucks, alas !
Herts;

to

came

Cheshire laid his

your

off

BedSi

Oxon
used to wish
he had his deserts.

should

sent

to

in

several

are

taskingone

he went

CAUSTJC.

SKETCHES

There

was

at Bucks.

Old

He

Sutton.

THE

even

That

But

he often tried

about

Manors

when

And

littleworth.

was

button

keeperswere

They always

No

safe

was

lucks,

the

often

And

went

tried his

he

when

And

to have

his tricks

county from
In each

satis of preserves.

Jam

ROAD.

No

foe,

keeper'snerves
never

THE

ON

horse

think

proper

to

die

to

back for

coadjutor.

Miss Norman
s dilemma.
precisely
If a horse could be supposed to harbour
so
deadly a spiteagainst
in questionchose.to vent
I should believe that the one
his proprietor,
his animosity
by givingup the ghostjust at the spot where it would
most

cause

he

was

annoyance
drawn
the

had

Binn

Gate
a
J

ill spare

the

"

sum

out

tall elm

and

inconvenience.

For

fourteen months

past

to a point just short of the

dailyairings
pence
that
^because
fiftyyards further would have cost sixwhich Miss Norman
could, or believed she could,but
At this very place,exactlyopposite
of a limited income.
which
usuallygave the signalfor turninghomeward,

Lady

in

to drop down
prefer
Plantagenet

did

his mistress should have to walk

inch

of

if detennined that

as

it,to

house.

her

own

THE

POUNDS

Norman

Miss

But

dead

stone

every

459

ROAD.

THE

ON

SKETCHES

walked.

never

Pedestrianism
her

in

was,

opinion,a

gar
vul-

very

imavoidable
exercise,
with

the

and

poor,

to

people,as Postmen,
ers,
Bankers' clerks.Hawkand the like,a professional

some

mode

but

of sion,
progresbodilyexertion

derogatoryto persons
breeding.

very

of birth and

So

far

this

was

that she

carried,
heard

once

was

declare, speaking of

to

certain

rather
"

humble

she

obsequies,

would

rather

live for

have

walkingfuneral !

On

another

when

occasion,

the
of

in

than

ever

"

ance
great performCaptain Barclay,

walking

miles in
w^as

It

CARE

OF

AND

PENCE,

THE
CARE

OF

TAKK

WILL

THEMSELVES."

thousand

thousand

step she did

might be

TAKE

hours,was submitted
not approve."

surmised

from

to her

opinion,she

that she
declarations,

such

said

it

incapable

was

for instance,
infirmity,
personallocomotion,throughsome
original
such as results from
the rickets ; whereas,so far from
allowingany
in
her
the part of her nurse
to her feet.
on
or
deficiency
parents, putting
Miss Norman
all
her
of
to have the perfect
command
limbs,and
professed
would
have felt extremelyofi*ended at a hint that she could not dance.
which
restricted
It w^as
than
quiteanother weakness
any bodilyone
her promenades,and
made
her feet almost as useless to her as those
of the female Chinese.
in fault ; and partlyher surname,
Pride was
of

for

to
suggesting

William

of her

one

the First of

that he

ancestors

England :

notion

which,

was

after

turninghis
all

crazed those of his

head, had slightly
and
of
their
on
inheritance,
parcel
part

successors,

the

of the
strength

and

the

Conqueror was

some

dubious

old

that
pedigree,

who

of

descendant

own

as
believed,
"

"

Norman
their

great

Progenitor.
The hereditary
by this imaginarydistinction,
arrogance engendered
had successively
cording
itselfby outbreaks of different character,acdisplayed
to the temperament of the individual who
happenedto be head of
the

family:

with

Miss

Norman,

boast that every branch and

the last of her

twigof

line,it took

her illustrioustree had

the fonn

of

always ridden

460
'*

SKETCHES

in ttieir own
this

push

carriage."I

pretensionfurther

back

DESCENDED

"

littlehouses

local

FROM

wheels"

on

several

for
tradition,

quitesure

not

am

than

THE

would

ROAD.

THE

ON

the

whether

date

she did

not

of the invention

of

CONQUEROR.

warrant;

however, it held

good,in

althoughthe family vehicle

generations,

had

from an ample coach to a chariot,a fly,and,

dwindled
down
gradually
sedan-chair
which the sudden death of
one-inside
the
finally,
upon wheels,
To glance
left plantedfifty
yardsshort of the Binn Gate.
Plantagenet
at the whole
have attributed high birth
ever
set-out,nobody would
and inherent gentility
of a piece. For
to its owner.
'Twas
never
once

and

that the
touched

looked
renewed

thrice refreshed
were
new-painted,the arms
till the dingy vehicle,
by the glaringcomparison,

body
up,

was

quarterings.The crest was much oftener

hammer-cloth
Humphrey, the coachman,
; and

ancient than the

more

than

never
evidently

the

got a

new

suit all at

once.

He

had

drab

always old

Sometimes
a hat
brightsky-blueplush ; or vice versa.
in its first gloss
got tlie better of its old tarnished band ; sometimes
the fresh gold lace made
the brown
an
beaver look still more
antique.
to

The

bran-new

same

with

the harness

spankingbrute,who

seemed

and
to

the

horse,which

have

was

sometimes

tall

the concern
; at other
put into the shafts by

outgrown
pony-likeanimal, who had been
mistake.
In short,the several articles seemed
to belong the more
Norman
because
to Miss
they belongedso little to each
especially
instead
other.
A few minutes made
a
groatchangein her possessions,
times,a

short

SKETCHES

ON

she
horse,hightPlantagenet,
living
dred- weightsof dogs'-meat.
of

just

was

with

certain liiin-

this

at

that

moment

of
proprietor

was

It

461

ROAD.

THE

came

gig; and
knowing something of
up

my

the

lady'scharacter,I
pulled up in expectation
of

bay, who
as
steady

own

my

would
as

ing
Leav-

scene.

stand
mute

door,

death's

at

proceeded

assist the

coachman

his
extricating
but

the

royal

dead

stone

in

horse
of

nag

line was

to

and

accompanied Humphrey
to the

"

carriage-door

warranted

to

quiet

ride

drive."

or

to make

his report.
recent
American

high birth
house

on

same

kind

Norman's

essential attribute of

an

and

all

self-command

of
of

which

herself,though

conduct

Pope

fajl."

china

window, or even
more
exactly in
fixed her

She did not

let down

of the

and
upright,

praisesin
In

this

her pretensions.She
justified

though her horse fell.

herself

as

"

mistress

out

has described

posure,
breedingin England,a certain sort of quakerly comalarm
sudden
such
of
the
as
an
possible
emergencies,
in fact,the
into a fit by one's side :
or
man
a
fire,
falling

in

"

author

the

the front

middle

of

the

the back

on

eyes

start

with

nod

the smallest

ever

is

she

put her head

only adjusted
herself bolt

of the coach-box.

The

In

this

ladyacquiesced

made.

I've took ofi"the collar,

and the bitt out, and

"

"

seat, drew

posture Humphrey found her.

"
If you please,
be dead."
Ma'am, Planty-ginit

who

mistress of herself,

was

glass:

lady

Miss
particular

exclaim

"

got un

out

o' harness

shoes ;" and the informant

as his ovra
entirely
; but he be as unanimate
looked earnestly
at the lady to observe
the ejffectof the communication.
But

he

she

never

the

to
coach-door,

was
"

"

"

"

moved

muscle

Humphrey

honest

go and finish the

layingout

was

ting
justshut-

of the corpse, when

recalled.

Humphrey
What's

1"
Ma'am
pleasure,

your

another

Remember,
Yes, Ma'am."

"

When

"

Yes,

Ma'am."

"

Touch

your

The

; and

time

horse of mine

abashed

?"
"

is deceased

"

hat."
coachman

instantlypaid

up

the

salute

in

arrear.

SKETCHES

ON

ROAD.

THE

he had
with self-possession,
by birthright

Unblest

where
in the first families,
experience
he
raw
a
was
good example :
the great merit of being cheap,whom

he

of

to educate

; but

he

stillso

was

importanceof

breakingthe death

of those

minor

tokens

It

now

was

if she had

indeed

I tendered

in

seat

gracious
gestureof head
"If

far from

his

respectwhich

country servant,

Norman

had

taken
under-

that
proficient,

he had
mistress,

in the

omitted

one

she

hand.

and

please,
Ma*am,"

you

Miss

learned

exacted.
always rigorously
and
turn to come
as
forward,
deferentially
as
the last of the Conquerors Normandy pippins,
chaise,which she tacitlydeclined,with a
my

of

own

my

been

to

the advantage

even

might have

uncouth

little from

with

not

said

his

to touch

Humphrey, takingcare

hat,

and

shuttinghis head
into the carriage
so that
overhear
I might not
"

him,

he's

kind

gentleman

enough, and
with

able
respect-

of

connected
the first

of

some

houses."
"

The

name

To

"

the

gentleman's

?"
Ma'am,

be sure,

gentlemancan't

his

help

answered

name,"

Humphrey, fullyaware
of the peculiarprejudices
his

of
"

it be

but
"

Shut

It

Huggins."

the door."

appeared,on explanation
with
that

the

opulent

the

he

man,
coach-

had

for

me

in

mistress

taken
mis-

employ

person
of the

firm

Naylor

of

throughoutBritain with
gig. I did not take the
see

the end of the

her mind

and

on

all

Jem

with
carriage-door

FARE

AND

THE

HORSE

Co., whose province it

in the
samples of hardware
trouble to undeceive
to

hope

him,
the

that

time

from

WORSE

SAID.

and

to

was

box-seat

travel
of his

to
determining
lady would change

but

to

time, my

After
declined.
always stiffly
expectationwas excited by the

was

sides,my

offer of

tolerably

appearance

coming through the Binn Gate, the only public

the road.
At
sightof the dead horse,the driver,
Wade) pulled up
alighted and standingat the
"

his hat

offer of his

services.

waived

off with

him

FARTHER

coach

vehicle that used

noted

GO

I renewed,
accordingly

of the W

(the

MAY

AS

I affbcted
affair,

accommodation, which

long pause

ONE

But
her

off,as
Miss

hand.

"

if he

knew

Norman,
Jem

more

became

his customer, made

an
than ever,
dignified
more

and
pressing,

the

SKETCHES

403

ROAD.

THE

ON

rode," she condescended

lady more rigid. She never
she was
entreated
again; but
publicvehicles." Jem
"

"

be driven

her

coachman."

It

by
of
praisedthe quietness

promisingthe

oion

his team, the

steadiness and

utmost

in vain

was

to

say,
accustomed

that in

answer

"

in
to

he

safetyof his patent boxes,besides

sobrietyon his own
part. Miss

of her coach-box;
at the back
perseveringly
he
would
take
that
much
of
as
care
which, on an unlucky assurance
her as of his own
mother,"she exchangedfor a steadygaze at the sidein the presence.
to the coachman, so longas he remained
window, opposite
By your leave.Ma'am," said* Humphrey, puttinghis hand to his
be a very civil-spoken
careful
hat, and keepingit there, Mr. Wade
and
loads
his
coach
There's
Sir
whip,
very respectablesociety.

Norman

still looked

"

**

*'

Vincent

Ball

the box."

on

"If Sir Vincent

chooses

it is no rule for
to degradehimself,
me^*' vetorted the lady, without turningher head; when, lo! Sir
Vincent
endeavoured
to persuade her
appeared himself,and politely
her

of

out

It

Norman

prejudices.

useless.

was

all

v.

Miss
had

ancestors

and

one

Ball

expressed
opinion

decided

very

against
stage-coaches,
by
into
nover
one
getting
;
and

"she

did

disposed to
line

feel

not

disgracea

longerthan

mon,
com-

by ridingin any
carriagebut her own."
Sir Vincent

bowed

retreated.

So did

and

Jem

Wade, without bowing,

ferventlydeclaring he
"

would

do the civil

never

thingto the
sex
again!"
The
at

"jack's

as

good

as

his

master/

indignantgallop;
we

were

time, I

endured
a

female

stagerattled away

an

and
the

old

as

signal

was

left once
thrice

Procure

"

some

such

to

rebuffs.
I
many
made
from the

hand, opened the

"

more

me

our

own

resources.

offers to the

repeatedmy

By

obdurate

of passing
way
old maiden, and

when
fourth trial,
a
contemplating
in
and
hat
window,
carriageHumphrey,
was

door.
a

post-chaise."

po-shay!"echoed Humphrey, but, like an Irish echo, with

variation from his original Lord help ye. Ma'am, there bean't
a thingto be
had ten miles round
money.
no, not for love nor
"

"

"

Why, bless ye, it be

dog-barrow,but what

election
be gone

time, and
to it !"

there bean't

coach,cart, nor

464
"

SKETCHES

drawing herself
matter," said the mistress,

No

"

revoke

loftyresignation. I
the kind of riding
that
"

Yes,

"

Another

order

my

for it is

air of

an

far,very far,from
"

Humphrey^

prefer. And

with

up

Ma'am."
"

time

"

Yes, Ma'am."

"

Remember

"

for all

once

"

"

Ma^am."

"Yes,
"

ROAD.

THE

ON

the Lord

choose to be blest,or

I do not

help me."

to

of
proceedings,
during which a company
and
came
planted
black-berrying,
up,
around
the
themselves,with every symptom of vulgar curiosity,
had
which
she
Miss
Norman
no
now
singleglassthrough
carriage.
could look without encountering
at
a
group of low -life faces staring
her with all their might. Neither could she help hearingsome
such
shockingill-bred remarks as, Yy don't the frizzle-vigged old Guy
tained
susget into the gemman's drag?" Still the pride of the Normans
Another

in

pause

ragged boys, who

our

been

had

"

her.

bosom, and sat

the

like
circle,

bull at

the

by

supplementaryneck

of

sort

bay,with

to be alone."

I CHOOSE

in
; and
very much

only proved by a generalgrin how

I confess
advantageby purplemouths.

"

Fellow,you

teeth

are

her

mind

in which
interval,
inward, it appearedthat
of the

case.

your

You

may

Humphrey
a

rigourof the

black and

complimentsat
a

the Grove

may

on

and two

as

ridingonly

more

"

"

remained

door,but

for

minute

gazingon the
in its hand, defending
blue arm, with a red carving-knife
If he meditated any expostulation,
he
white rolling-pin.
the

boys,one

of whom

was

a second
Plantagenet,

grinningthroughhis collar,
to play at horses with the reins.
It seemed a
preparing

enough that

it,collar and all,on

he

as

not."
closed the

the dead

strangemode
me,

to

tedious
well

and the loan of the chariot

"

speak

gave it up, and proceeded to drive away

astride

as
condition,

favour."

leave.Ma'am, if I

By

panel,at

the

abroad

let her

to receive orders.

Present my
will be esteemed
"

"

doubtless looked

had

to

relaxed to meet
the exigency
had been somewhat
carriage,
summoned
the obsequious
A fresh tappingat the window

Humphrey

"

even
some

scorn.

Quis Deus vult perdere,"

thoughtI, and I determined
the result. After
take her fate,merely stayingto mark

own

conge,

set off to

insolent."

are

"

in her

each

pityon the pangs

proposalagain with

my
absolute

repelledwith

; but it was

replyto

I took

pride,and urged

of unwarrantable

one's choice.

difficult to have

It is easy to say choose,but more

The
boys chose to remain
blackberry

warmth

of

most

five words

same

out

favouring
ever, occasionally
awful threatening
look,

erect than
rigidly

more

mad

accompaniedever
"

to draw

She seemed

her

his

own

he took

to

back

and

the mystery, in
-explained

secure

the

harness,by hanging
by an aside to

shoulders ; but

grumble.

4m

SKETCHES

The

sudden

drawing-upof

showed
glass,
Bardell's
the

in
sufficiently
It

behaviour.

tradesman

pouringin
estimated

would

convenience

of

ROAD.

window,

violentlyas

so

lightMiss

what

unlucky

called

have

fresh stream

the

the

an

was

THE

ON

"

Norman

to shiver the

viewed

Master

smash, for it afforded what

"

advantageousopening

an

for

eloquence; and the Sticker,who shrewdly

round the back of the
breach,came

of the

side."
and as junior counsel
followed on the same
But he
carriage,
The
took nothingby the motion.
comfited
invincible,or, as the dislady was
hard
for
be
convinced into acart^
to
pairmutually agreed, as
four
The
as
legs."
blackbeiTyboys had departed,the
any thing on
evening began to close
"

"

in, and

Humphrey

no

made

his

The

appearance.

butcher's horse
the

on

was

fret, and

swine

his
the

grumbled
delay. The master

at

fell into consultation,

man

and

favoured

afterwards

with

the
result,

Sticker

the

old ;

or

what

all

into

the

we

world

do,

to

selves
our-

comfortable

and

to

the fair

to
agreeable

for

sex.

himself,purtect-

females

the road

NONK

BUT

THE

BRAVE

should

never

of its

own

FAIR.

lie easy agin,if so be he left the lady on

with her own
wouldn't
be purtected

and

providinga
ought to be forced to, like any other
his sentiments, and
was
good. Them

'live beast

unsensible

his master

followed

both
Miss Norman, name
was
They knowed
about for
in their lines,
and I might ax
men
respectable
characters.
"Whereby, supposingI approved,they'd have her,
and

up.
well-known

their

THE

female

will,she

'em

DESERVE

his

was

nature, and he
free

came

make

namely,

ing

was

pretty

ugly,young
was

As

being

duty, he said,to

look after women,

or

me

the

It

orator.

man's

it

and

right and tight,in

her legs.

their cart, afore

she

fame, and

felt herself

off
respectfully

arguments and the plan of the bull-headed pair. I

had clearlybeen only
consent
with them, but my
attempted to reason
asked as a compliment. The
lady herself hastened the catastrophe.
of long pent-up
she had overheard
Whether
the debate, or the amount
Such

were

emotion
Pride

the

became

gave

way

too
to

overwhelming

Nature, and

for

short

its barriers,I know

hystericscream

not, but

proceededfrom

SKETCHES

Norman

carriage.Miss

the

seated

on

fanning
hand

the

for

step

minutes,

hats, whilst
It

cold water.

some

We

tits !

the

contrived

off to

ran

get her
supported lier,
little pool near
at
to

butchers
a

the errand

four or
only of some
had
lady,only half conscious,

was

returned,the

when

but

in

was

467

ROAD.

vehicle,where

of the

tlieir

with

her

THE

ON

five

been

between
and there she sate, in the cart, rightand tight,
the
the
of
two
instead
whatever
or
or
butchers,
Griffins,
Salvages,

caughtup,
two

they

move.

but

I had

hereditarysupporters. They

her

were,

into my

jumped

at

further

in
struggling

end

the

of

shouts

Norman

of

I*M

i'm

thither

the

with

rabblement

AFRAID

my
up with

somewhat

in

two

of the
"

as
quiteas well,by sight,

"

already on the
to his speed ;
them, they were

horse

put

came

and

town,

concert

the whole

were

Unfortunatelyher

the

brightblue,and

Sticker, screaming in
the

when

already galloppinginto
the

own

start,and

lost my

gig,and

her

LOW

h2

own

COMPANY

saw

greasy,

residence
her

arms

swine,and
place,who
V
carriage

!"

was

conveyed,
of

Sam

answered
knew

the

by
Miss

468

1 CANNOT

is generally
reckoned
Timidity

"

CANNOlf.

MINOR

an

GUN.

BEAR

essential attribute of the fair sex, and this absurd

notion

at mice, fits at
for the Leger. Hence
screams
race
a
^ves rise to more
at
from
at
faces
at
p
anics
longlegs,
toads, jumps
daddy
lizards,
flights
wasps, sauve
spiders,
branch
cation
of edumade
is
when
the
exercise
a
of
a
at
Surely,
military
sight
qui pent
gun.
would
ladies' academies, the use of the musket
only be a judicious
at so many
step
in a month's
I should not despair,
of mind.
further in the march
practice,of making the

false starts,than

most

timid

British female fond of small-arms."

can't be

It

vinced
minced, I'm quite con-

Hints

"

About

by

All
Their
Are

My

Manton
near,
make her

Will
"

at

her

drop,

puff.

with aspen
and

scream

fear
run

It's always so, you brute,you

1 cannot
bear a gun !"

not

ask,

belt,

know

justallude

to

dust,

speak of number one,

don't talk
not
beg you'll

Or
"*

"

I cannot

bear

Percussion
I may

"

will make

if I

And

There's cousin Bell can't 'bide the smell

horrid stuff !
Of powder

singlepop

wear

I must

all their tricks I need not fix,

I'll only mention one,
Miss will tell you this,
How
a
many
"
I cannot
bear a gun !"

She shudders

not

not take a punch to make

card or felt ;
My pellets,

girlsare full of flam,

fine and feminine
feelings
nothingelse but sham.

On

fiask I must

my

I must

Corporal.

not

cap

gun

I dare not

snap,

mention Hall,
voice for Mr. Joyce,

raise my
His wadding to recall ;
I must
book
not
At Hawker's
All shootingI must
shun.
*'
It's hard,you'veno
Or else
1 cannot
bear a gun I"
Or

"

of shot^

!"

look.

regard,

CANNOT

very dress I wear

Must
suit her timid

The
A

blue

With

less

no

black

Her

back,

must

Two

inches each from mouth

charged with half a
his
crackers stopp'd,

His

He
And

to

breech,
"

all thro' her

bear

"

dare you, Sir ?

How
gun

!"

Major Flint," the Devil's in't!

to night,
May talk from morn
Of springingmines, and twelves and

the fallen game :

I've
as
soon
begun,
She's in her pout, and cryingout,
"
bear a gun !"
I cannot
I must

not

Yet, underneath the rose, her teeth

Are false,to match her tongue :
Grouse, partridge,hares, she never
old
pheasants,

Or
And
"

young

What

objectsto

yet

none

bear

gun

!"

her smile

whiz,'
But if I talk of morning walk,
as

good

as

his,

is not

shy,

shocks.
Though theyshould be from Battersca,
Her

So
It stirs my
bile to see
At all his bang and

meal.

"

she
pigeon-pie

At

"

have I got, it's fullof shot !

bear a gun !

I cannot

volleysleft and right.

Of voltigeurs
and tirailleurs,
And
bullets by the ton :
She never
dies of fright,
cries
or

shots

or

widgeon, teal,she makes

On

And

And

name

As

nines,

I cannot

gun!"

spares.

Yet

"

bear

POWDER.

grain
squibbiilg

dropp'd.
has no fieryfun.

I cannot

overdone :
nerves
are
do not, John, put gaiterson,

I cannot

snubs, and blames

train.
Lilliputian

And

Oh

"

littleJamasshe

His

409

GUN.

By fustian,jean,or velveteen.

JAMES

Ev

mind,

clothe my
swallow-tails behind ;

or

BEAR

Yet

taste

it never

for blue rocks

I bringthe very

famous
when

My marksmanship has
She

cries

I cannot

"

Lock
bear

up
a

thing

won.

that horrid cup,

gun!"

470

got her
Drury Lane,

fool and

Like
A

box

And

at

by her

dunce

I ne'er shall feel

To

this

"

she

her

excuse

will she

at

very

Is off to

And

I cannot

bear

sits it

she

enough

winks,

never

follow

I cannot

"

or
a

to

can't

It

thus

blind the

All

thinks,
!

Their

"

let

And

bout

where's

Major's

mind

break

out,
the soldier's wife,

at

war

minced,

be

I'm

quite

con-

WOOLWICH

girlsare full of flam,

feelingsfine,and feminine.
nothing else but sham ;
I need

all their tricks

On

I'll

strife,

mock-heroic

In
But

may

ray

vinced.

stun.

even

gun

through,

Are

She

trappings on.
Captain Dunn,
gleam provokes a scream,
bear a gun."

carbine's

My
best,

coats,

army

on

Scrubbs.

Wormwood

noise

With

"

in all her

review

whole

The

"

her rebuffs

I don

when
To

Major Flint,

quickly drest

And

might surely be

yeomanry
from
Secure

she rubs,

hands

gun

regimental cufts.

And

gun!"

hint from

Her

doats

she

If thus

shots! you

But

Yet

"

bear

The
bear

bit

ill,

know,
I cannot

broilingsun ?
My dear, good bye,
cry,

I cannot

spun,

oh, seven
Freyschiitz,

Der

march

his kit and

take

Or

bill it made

the

read

And

To

Beneath

pride
again :

I felt

side

once

GUN.

BEAR

CANNOT

How
"

WAHUBN.

only

many
I cannot

mention
a

fix,

one.

will tell you

Miss

bear

not

gun

!"

this,

471

FANCY

PORTRAIT

TRIMMER'S
FOR

Here,

TRIMMER.

MRS.

EXERCISE,

THE

USE

OF

CHILDREN.

Master

You've

been

Timothy Todd,
you'lllook grimmer^
time for the rod,
some
spelling

And

your

jacketshall

come,

Before

You

have

we

don't know

So backward
Don't

kneel

For

"

done

your

A
are

you
you shall

I'll have

you

know

I'm

from

your

in your

go

on

to know

Trimmer.

B,

Primer

my
I'm

knee.
a

Trimmer.

morning you hinder'd the cook,

By meltingyour dumps in the skimmer
Instead of attending
your book,
This

"

But

I'll have

To-day, too, you

And

And

you

went

to the

bathed, though you

with

But

parents

I'll have

so

you

Tm

to know

pond,
not

are

dotingand
to know

Trimmer.

Fm

swimmer

fond
a

"

Trimmer.

472

trimmer's

After

dinner

And
You

to

I'llhave

I will

I'm

to know

the bone

to

you

you

made

You

think

And

I'll have

if you
to know

kick
I'm

at my

game

that my
eyes are
I watch'd
you, IVe
got a

think

Don't
It's

Miss

But

you

to

know

"

Trimmer.

back

dimmer^
grown
sly knack !
I'm

Trimmer.

temper is hot.
beyond a slow simmer;
call

to

you

I'll have

you

Edgeworth,

Might
Mrs.

Trimmer,

that my

never

I'll teach
But

trick,
sly pilfering
call you
the nimmer,

I'll have

To-day
But

stout

school-fellows
cut

For

you

have

you

Your

Trimmer.

about,
slighterand slimmer
be thump'd by the

is

he

weak

But

line,

I'm

to know

you

brimmer

little Tomkins

Because
the

to

straightin

walk

I'll make

the wine,
yes,

"

kick

Then

to

help'd yourself

But

Are

went

you

couldn't

You

exercise.

melt

to

Barbauld

or

to know

Mrs.

behold

would

I'll have

Dame

me

you

Trot,
I'm

Trimmer.

Chapone,
your

tears

glimmer;

let you alone,

I'm a Trimmer.
to know

m"^

tlTTLH

JACK

AND

HIS

TKIMMKR.

474

SOME

ACCOUNT

he has since said

what

WILLIAM

OF

WHISTON.

his

of
occasionally

hand,

that

"

it

held

literally

nothing."
At

after a longmaternal
the
debate between
sixteen,
articled to an attorney : but instead
was
suits,William
respectableland-shark, he played double-dummy with
Law

clerk,and

remonstrated

him

with

that he

answered

breach

on

of

of duty, and

red

becoming a

the Common-

the 6th of November.

on
discharged

was

black and

The

William

principal

imprudently

of his

duty, like the ace of spades. Mr.

Bitem
immediately banged the door against
him, and William, for the
first time in his life to use his own
expression, got a slam."
William
having served his time, and as he calls it,followed suit for
five years, was
admitted
as
an
attorney,and began to play at that
Law.
the
he stillstudied
and practised
Short-hand
finessing
;
game,
in parloursthan in court.
though more
William
Miss
at one
Miss Hunt, or
period admired
Creswick, or
Miss Hardy, or Miss Reynolds ; a daughterof one
of the great cardand he cut for partners,but without
makers, I forgetwhich
getting
the Lady."
that
he
His own
He
discarded."
was
explanationwas,
Scotch
then paid his addresses
Miss
to
a
a
MacNab, but she
girl,
professedreligious
scruplesabout cards,and he revoked. I have heard
it said that she expectedto match
higher; indeed William used to say
was

aware

"

"

"

"

"

"

she

looked

William
the St. John

partialto

his hand."

over

short,and

is

of them

without

William,

whist.
and

on

and

knave

His

and

he

Whist

ruhher.

it is like

likes shorts.

likes

I sometimes

could

conversation,except

never

well

could

not

form ;

not

go on
without

on

go

as

"

"

quarrelwith
Sydney : he was

as

saint is

that

because

cards,is wool-gathering;
He
speaksby the card,"
he had
the Olympic once

on

carded.
subjectis like wool
At
givesequivocationa chance.

that

him,

fancy whist

certainlyWilliam

and

nothingof longs^but

to influence his face

seems

of clubs.

whole

He

only takes to

Yestris or Miss
gentlemanabout the lead of Madame
of
Deuce
requiredto givehis card,and gave the
Hearts."
This was
what he termed
out."
calling
Of late years William
like
bad
out
a
earlyishof
only goes
rushlight,
a
night,and quits every table that is not covered with green baize
with absolute
disgust.The fairies love by nightto ^'"gambolon the
and
does
so
William, and he is constantly
green,"
humming with great
a

"

"

gusto,
"

Come
And

unto

then

he

The

only verses, by the way,

play much with the Muses.

to

William
much
may

"

can

leave

honour

They stick,he

as

well

"

and

safelyafter

cut

of

whist, and
to

ring

the

like

or

"

Eloquence,

is

small

cards

on

cared

receive

earth.

breakfast

well

long

as

You
time

erected in

statue

holds his hand

thirteen

or

pay

"

any man
catch him at

He

look.

changes on

as

never

used to say, at Nine.

little

deeply as

dinner, and

alteration of attitude

is content

as

say

"

He

heart.

got by

"

him

yellowsands,
hands.'''*

ever

sit longer drink less

shuffle

without

these
take

up."

Midsummer

He

does not

AND

FOX

THE

THE

475

HEN.

them, and, considering

never
was
particularly
returns, for very
wages.
much
the
and
but
he
bears
with
threes
as
twos
equanimity as
lucky ;
horticulturally
speaking,to have graftedPatience
any one, and seems,

night;for he

he works

"

has upon
"

I do

Whist.

his seal

with

"

is

him

makes

to
accordingly
he
all
has
bequeathing

be

that

rather

"

himself

"

Great

the

for

Mogul

familymotto,
crest

"

the

with
gettingold (nearlyfifty-two),

now

he says

directs to

it is the

whether

he

but

inscription

in Bello."

Packs

William
which

know

not

at

William

low

upon
of

cards

play at

the

down

take
has

or

not,

be

this characteristic

no

"

compass,

as

to

his

plainone, and
thereon,forasmuch,"
"

hold

will,
he

funeral

cially
espe-

says

Honours."

LONg's.

HEN.

THE

AND

FOX

His

FABLE.

fabulousness

preferSouthcote

to

Northcote.
PiGROGROIilTUS.

One

where

when.

day,
night,
laid his pad
Sly Reynard, like a foot-pad,
Right on the body of a speckledHen,
Determined
And

And

Slie caird for

Dame

Waked,

help
"

luckily,the
In

with

answer

had

at his

bottle,
her throttle ;

pretty pucker,
as

high

she could cry,

she had enough of sucker.

Partlet's

And,

scream

As

or

the claret from

her in

put

with

bibber

very

to draw

it

course

takingall she

upon

like

Began
Of

matter

no

or

scream

house-dogfrom
savage growl

to the

fowl,

his dream.

preparing

has made

whist club.

they never

AT

Speakingwithin

is

gTavestone a

that

DOUBLK

THE

to

carved

cherubims

document,

score,"and

asthma

an

He

trumps."

his

his

quite private,and
there

in

weak

"

476

THE

He

forth

bounded

HEN.

THE

AND

FOX

againstthe prowlingsinner,
to the Fox

And, uninvited,came

Dinner.

Sly Reynard, heedful of the coming doom.

Thought,self-deceived.
He

should

of

quiteunconscious
And

And
that

Found

render

were

all,he

old

saw

Coming to play
Tray-Deuce with
old Mastiff

Tray, an
Instead

of

Seized him
But

Juries

Consisted

But
I

mean

snare,

hare

d of

use

no

"

to

him.

surlyTray

him.

bred

Dunstable,
Master, a most specialconstable.
Reynard in a fury,
killing
for legal
trial by a Jury ;

his

Under

Poacher's

"

of

worst

broom
neighbouring

caughtin copper noose.

lookinglike a goose.
his fate had
hung upon

His tricks and turns

And,

perceived,

brush vv^ithina

Hiding his
But

be

not

"

Jisop was

sheriff then

Elephantsat

the Hen

"

and

the

on

proved

"

of Men.

and not

Brutes

of twelve

firstthe

at

body

that she

"

was

To the veriest fool's head

Of the

and

Booby

NATIVKS

the
Accordingly,

Quite

true

OF

Stork

the

THE

Noddy.

SILLY

ISLANDS,

broughtin
enough to kill ;

bill

dead.

FOX

THE

then the Owl

And

can

To make

the evidence

Lynx

"

for,mark,

witness in the dark.

The Owl

The

call'd

was

HEN.

THE

AND

In short there

quirkor quibble

no

was

plain,

more

all the chain.

connected

could nibble

;
legalRat
far
bounds,
hope's
was
as
beyond
Culprit
of
hounds.
if the Jury had been 'packed

At which
The
As

"

Reynard, however,

at the

nick.

utmost

quitedevoid of shift and trick ;

Accordinglyour cunningFox,
channel'd,
obscurely
Through certain influence,
Camel got into the box,
A friendly
his lifethe Jury was
When
irapanerd.
'gainst
Is seldom

in the

Now,

should

If Jurors

They

to have

are

withdraw.

eatingand

no

starved into

Till all are

is the law.

Isles such
Silly

one

way

no

of

drinking.
thinking.

Reynard'sJurors,who could not agree.

bit or mummock,
without
lock'd up strictly,

Thus
Were

Till every Beast that only had one stomach.

blest with three*
Bent to the Camel, who was
do them

To

they debated
justice,

four till ten, while dinner waited.

thirst and hunger got the upper.
When
and hot supper :
inclined to mercy,
each
And
"
the word, and Master Fox
Not guilty was
From

"

Was

other hens

freed to murder

and cocks.

MORAL.

What
But
Who

moral

that the Solon

makes

Depend

this tale'sassistance

greetsus by
the full
upon

is

stop

sorry Solon,
of a Man's existence

Colon ?

PaO

BONO

PUBLICO.

477

478

THE

I cannot

fill up

blank

ANECDOTE.

ASTRONOMICAL

AN

*'

COMET.

better than with

short

historyof

this self-same

Sternk's

Sentimental

Amongst

of astronomy,
professors
Adepts in the celestial economy,
The

of H*******rs

name

often cited/

very
and

And

justlyso, for he is hand

glove
With
above ;
ev'rybrightintelligence
so to stop,
Indeed,it was his custom

"Watchingthe
That
In

his

once

upon

time he

upon

the house's

top,

got be-knighted

thus coquetting
observatory

With

All

stars

Venus

with

or

"

Juno

gone

astray,

sublunarymatters

quiteforgetting
In his flirtations with the winking stars.
Acting the spy it might be upon Mars
"

"

Or,

like

Andre

new

Tom

of

Coventry,sly peeping.
At Dian sleeping
;
Or oglingthro' his glass
Some heavenlylass
with
Tripping
pailsalongthe Milky Way;
Or lookingat that Wain
of Charles the Martyr
Thus he was
watchman
of the sky.
sitting,
When
lo ! a somethingwith a tail of flame
a

Made
"

him

Ml/ stars!"

"

comet,

noble

one

"

sure

as

"

exclaim,

^he always puts that stress

My stars and garters!"

"

s :

on

my

I'm alive !

as

I should

wish to view;

It can't be

Halley'sthough,that is not due

Till eighteen
thirty-five.
!
^how
fine his fierytrail!
Magnificent
Zounds ! 'tisa pity,though he comes
unsought
Unask'd
unreckon'd, in no human
thought
He ought he ought he ought
To have been caught
"

"

"

"

"

"

With
*'

"

scientificsalt upon

I look'd

no

Than

for

the Great

As
It
No

more

sure

as

"

his tail !

it,I

Tycho

reallyenter'd

more

than

do

Bear

declare,
!

Brahe

in my

is

dead,

head

Berenice's Hair!''

"

Sfarling.^'
Journey.

Inquisitor

Grand

Tliiis musmg,

Heaven

Sat

gazingon

the uninvited

Till

came
John, the serving-man,

Regions,with

'*

4?J

COMET.

THE

visiter
to

the upper

Honour,

Please your

to supper.

come

I shall not sup

Supper ! good John, to-night
^look
that
upl"
Except on
phenomenon
Not sup!" cried John, thinkingwith consternation
be storvation,
That suppingon a star must
"

"

"

Or
On

His
But
"'

ev^i to batten

the

still his master

I can't

down,

come

I''m

say

The

odd is,
"

ran

on,

parlour,John,
heavenly bodies."

go to the

"

suppingv\riththe

heavenlybodies

mind

tune

same

POSSE

His

that very

"

And

"

fatten.

IgnesFatui would never

visageseem'd to say,

still full of

COMF.TATIS.

!" echoed

"

John,

Ahem

!"

famishingalarms,

*'

if your Honour
""Zooks,
sups vdth them.
In helping,
somebody must make longarms!"
He

thoughthis

But

Say

I'm

Go

same

engagedwith

Quoth John,
"

Wouldn't

was

in

danger.

repliedthe Knight,
down, John, go, I have no appetite.

still in the
"

stomach

master's

not

the

much

tone

celestial stranger."

"

an

fait in such

strangertake

affairs,

bit down

stairs?"

480

THE

"

"

No,"
The

He

said

the

At

such

wants

And

one

He

Seeing

has

Behold

him,

look'd

Each

rollinglike

At

And,

is,John, in the

marble

in

South."

eyes,

its socket.

fierytad-pole spies.

what!

rocket

rocket, John!

"

Far

from

behold, John, is

you

of those

reminiscence, cries,

good

rare

What
One

whether

join d together.

are

his portentous

full of Yauxhall
"

"

he

wtih

up

last the

tail

there

John

think.

drink,

quite reasonably

and

"

thing you

mouth.

his head

the

quite

or

doubt

may

wonder,

no

blunder,

meat

no

smiling,and

master,

is not

stranger

COMET.

eccentric

most

it!

comet;

things

in all
ages

That
Have

puzzled sages

And

frighten'dkings ;
With
fear
change that flaming meteor, John,
Perplexes sovereigns,throughout its range"
of

"

"

"

/ haven't

Do

he?"

Well,

got

no

cried

let him

John

flare on,

sovereigns to change

THE

HARVEST

MOON.

!'*

482

in the

me
"

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

with

market-placewas

could
stranger,
backward

in

have

been

comingforward

by

was

had

he

renewing ties

dubiouslyextended

as

to

and

manner

off.

if it had been

guiltyhand
dyer's, its fellow
"

and

manipulations

Wilkie

and

Liston

even

which, conscious
here,a short husky cough

indescribable croak with

inquired
"

"

heard

if I had

ties

have

could

himself

of the

foolish,
puzzled the pencil of
scarcelyhave parodied the
of an
he
unlucky notoriety,

would

it that

upon

say, de

The

the correctness
his cravat,as if nervouslymistrusting
the stability
As for his face,there was
of a buckle.

deprecatorysmile

Indeed,

lawyers

about
or

of

wardly
awk-

might naturally

the

performingsundry involuntarymotions

meanwhile

address.

fresh introduction

as

Man,

him," in the

virtuallycast

me

Bashful

truly,no

individual,thus beginningagain,as

an

novo, and

to

as

of

and

presence
and
sheepish,
divertingly

more

somethingof the embarrassment

be felt

thick upon

blushinghonours

all his

damp

felo-de-se

our

"

"

"

of

anything

?"
particular
"

Not

the

word," was

"Then

you

smile rather

answer.

don't know"

the
sillier,

about
(more fidgetting

"

voice

and
guttural,

more

the

the

neck,

cough worse

the

than

"

"

then you don't know

like Macbeth's
the con^but,
fession
amen,
I
throat
in
the
and
stuck
left
to
was
literally
culprit's
learn,
;
hour afterwards,
and from
another source, that " Jemmy G * * *

ever)
"

an

"

with

duel
a
had/oif^A^
For

vividlyimprinted on
seriously
attempt
On

person.

but

gave
and

contrary,it

goingat

once

lady."

all its foolish features

and
figure,

to

seems
"

him
fate,"by representing

himself open

weazand, about

own

I do not think that I could

memory,
Cato did,and Addison
in my
approved,"

my

what

Irish illustration of

an

of

storms

the

"

cut his

the above

part, with

own

my

and
himself,

to the bottom.

when

to censure,

a
as

As

he used

ever
own

that the

Englishmoralist
brave
with the
man
struggling
his
own
hold,
wilfully
scuttling
me

for the
a

Censor,he plainlylaid

naked

sword

as

stomachic

"

of enjoying
the
very sorry way, by the way, when weary of conjectures,
benefit of the doubt,and for which, were
I tasked to select an inscription
for his cenotaph,it should be the exclamation
of Thisby, in the
a

Midsummer

Night'sDream
"

Mais

revenons

receptionof
forward
was

my

kind

nonsense

its insertion.
once

into

soul,

"

after

to the Dundee

Winifred

his Honour's
Here

was

German

success

sufficient to

fashion,to

term

equtd!-" nn

says,

Kiver," without

miller,"and
scribbling

the

Magazine,the

Jenkins

Printer's Devil ! Nevertheless,it

lapse of

Ninny'stomb."

nos

enough, as
under

This is old

Tlie
moutons, as the wolf said to her cubs.
letter in the Dublin
Newspaper encouragedme to
a

contribution

"

was

make

"wrap

to

of which
my

bit of

charginganythingfor
turn

him

sell

that minor
not

Editor

tillyears

young

author

at

himself,body and

the
Mephistophiles,

afterwards,and

that
ordinaryapprentioeship,

the

Imp

the
iu

LITERARY

483

REMINISCENCES.

became
question

In the meantime, I continued

reallymy Familiar.
to compose
occasionally,
and, like the literary
performancesof Mr.
Weller
committed
to paper,
Senior,my lucubrations were
generally
in what
is commonly called written
not
hand, but an imitation of
of type and antetype, and a
hints suspiciously
print. Such a course
the
it
to
was
Row, whereas,
adoptedsimply to make the
longingeye

be

may

demerits

or

use"l to

and

greatlymodified
But, as
press.
retain the tune
a

has

gorse

be

to

of the

of

too well

more

work

in

and

and

MS.,

swell

mob

re-examined

Print

settles

more

than

drift of

through a patch
beauties of the

bad

of

pane

as

glass;and

hand
consigned

to

cially
espe-

of

bad

to arrive

reversed,or
the

impossibleto

argument, whilst the

an

of scribble

piecewill

medium,

it,as Coleridge

once

it is next

know,
the

stanza, or

The

cover.

through

woman

case.

candid,I have

through such
disadvantage

to

of

form

difficultthan

on
verdict,
previous
seeinga rough proof from

Editors

scramble

to

the value

on

to
readily

more

It is

examined
severally

be

must

at the merits
say ;

the

me

littleefforts.

handviTiting
presents only

the

that
characters,

as

decide

supposedto

when

mind

enable

thus
easy, and
the eflfectof my

readingmore
judgment of

as

stiff
as
scrabble,
naturallyappear

the features
without

pretty

doubt, many

tolerable

article has been

for want

Wherefore, O ye Poets and Prosers,who

and above all,0 ye palpitating
write in Miscellanies,
Untried,
of

aspireto

head

of

over

to the Balaam

Box

fair copy.

the offer of your maiden essays to established periodicals,

take care, pray ye take care, to cultivate a good,plain,
bold,roun I text.
well
for
Set up Tomkins
a
as
as
model, and have an
Pope or Dryden
who

meditate

your pothooks. Some

persons hold that
write
the
those who
best hands, and I have known
to

eye

magazineto be converted

by

crabbed

therefore,be legible
things,
; and
If you
to

buy

have

never

MS.

to that

the best writers

the best

of

opinion. Of all

in penmanship.
end, practise

learned,take six lessons of Mr.

the best paper,

the conductor

to the same

are

ink, the best

pens,

and

Carstairs.
and

then

Be

sure

sit down

do the best you can ; as the schoolboysdo

put out your tongue,
of a jaded
and take pains. So shall ye haply escape the rash rejection
editor ; so, havinggot in your hand, it is possible
that your head may
"

those
follow ; and so, last not least,ye may fortunately
awful
avert
which
ruin
sometimes
sublimest effusion,
mistakes of the press
a poet's
his
by pantomimicallytransforming

and
angles,

all his

roses

into noses,

into pappiness.
happiness

ii2

his

angelsinto

484

THE

OCEAN,

"

"whom

man

ball for them

It

by

was

"

known

which

the

the

on

the

summers

ago

before

"

goingto relate,

am

ocean.

be
must
application,
of
the
deep
plougher

far less

of its

manner

the

Whether

Needle, or
battle,to extract

with

observations

text,to some

made

Pericles.

"

importanceof the Mariner's Compass to the sailor is as well

of the little one-eyed instrument,for
the utility
as
universally
Whitechapel is so famous, to the tailor : but its mode of action,

The

and

pity him."

you

to Margate, many
voyage
occurred which
the littleepisode
^tliat

of

way

have
tennis-court,

the wind, in that vast

and

entreats

during a

was

steam

both the waters

play upon,

to

S E.

PER

CONSIDERED

the

the

sews

the

mends

stood.
undergenerally

his checked

shirts

into sails with

canvas

it,or uses it,after

tarry hand, are tions
specula-

his hard

from
splinters

likelyenough to be entertained

the

plougherof the land ; at

turners of the furrows, mid-countybom
least by those clod-compelling
for such naval
their
ballads as
of
and bred, who, despite
predilection
their
Jack
have
set
and
Tom
never
Junk,
simpleeyes on ship
Bowling
Londoners
which
To many
the sea
or
or
they subdue.
sailor,
even,
who

and behold tier

streets,

tar in the

jostlethe

by

after

tier of masted

Bridge, who have perchancestood and stared

Compass itself in some
shop-window of Leadenhall,or the still
their lower

vessels from
at the

Minories,the

maritime

more

"

with

Card

its Card-inal

Points,is an
fore,
surpriseme, thereviolently

undecipheredhieroglyphic.It did not

creature of this latter class go and take a
to see a simple-looking
into
the
look
binnacle,like a child peepingat the
long wondering
tortoise in

an

Italian's show-box

the veeringGuide

was

; and
as

to the urchin.
the outlandish reptile

^longenough,if

it

poring at

"

Needle

for the

mutual

sympathy
"

begged for

with

which

the

without

obtained

were

the

The

to

of

occult

one

netism,
maganother by

steersman, and

for the
Fortunately
of
good-nature

as

treat

to the

the

raw

secrets of the

voyager

truths,masonic, may

nautical

by degreesof probation

communication

to the

mystery.

coyness,

ripe sailor is apt

cause.

in animal

understood
up

as

tedious

all the characteristic

alongwith
of

truth

hension,
appre-

instinct

until after

not

any

made

elucidation of the marine

an

was

to have

that the wonderer

the helmsman,
querist,
had none
his fraternity,
not

there

thingof lifeand

It

and the Man

his callow

to
doubtless,

much

in the

knowledge led to

present

case

anythingbut

deserve

craft,

perhaps
to

be

the unreserved
a

satisfactory

pains call them pleasuresrather

than the honest man
of
the use and properties
at the wheel, to explain
the Compass : he boxed it againand againfor the benefit of the gaping
benevolent
smile,and the twinklingof his blue eyes,
neophjiie
; a
of his
t
hat
he
felt
amply repaidby tlie supposed proficiency
declaring
result.

No

one

could take

more

"

"

TJtE

485

OCEAN.

pupil, when, all of a sudden,his well-earned pridewas dashed

deck by the pupil's
turningaway on his heel,with a hunch
dissatified grunt,exclaiming,
a
shoulders,
a blank look, and

to the

"

"

Well,

all,I don't

arter

littleneedle

can

move

C should have

been

sympathised with
lead.

All

seemed
devils,

the

and

"

of
feelings

of

that

his

'ere

"

but

man,

brute

the steersman.

universal

hiss of

turninground

the

beast,had

Contempt

scorn," ascribed

into his whistle.

Cockney-Tailorto his

then

I wonder

"

the

condensed

wishingback
needle

Christian

no

the dismal

"

how

see

the rudder

about

of

Next

to

I not

took

the

Milton's

Resentment,

came

on
shop-board,
sitting

his

own

Pity,inducingthe milder reflection,

gentleman'sfriends allows him to go about by

came

the poor

himself!"
I doubt
and

yet

intense
of

whether

Palinurus,I
Methinks, every

that

"

of the

the

oaths

and

"

Navy

snub
tacitly

learned

tires."

never

Campbell flares up
knock

down

me

me,

run

as

It can't be

with

The

"

the

Meteor

with its staff; nay,

"

clerks of the

dingy fresh-water
his best

on
"

the element

card.
my
and
to
vows
England,"

Dibdins

Flag of
our

the

"Ard-hup!"

"

very

the

to

Clubs, on

Captain Basil Hall swears,

daily,for six months, in

last of

the

a-lee!"

"Elm

up

never

Yacht

down.
me

which

noses

"

glimpsed
with saltwater
bespattered

am

Thames

me

seize

me

The

eyes which

"

bellow

to

their fore-court.

anchor-button, to keel-haul
which

every British
avowal
! Every lip

disgust. I

in

!" agree to
Oist away
Pay Office propose to

Neptune in

me,

tobacco-juice.The

strengthof having
and

and
recoils,

Oak

of

compassion

Envy

Heart

themselves

avert

ocean

scorn, anger, and

at such an
itself,
chorus Rule Britannia,curls itselfup

sniffed sea-weed

never

with

further go :
to the

that

say,

"

material shakes

same

helpedto

ever

look back
British

I ?

"

incurred the

which
sea-ignorance

our

head

pity could

the force of contempt and

shall I ?
dare
truth
a

confess

to

"

Sailor

for

asks

King

himself

diates
repu-

his High Seas !

for not relishing
subject,
there is no placeunder
is
one
confessing,
helped. When

"making a clean breast of it:" and am

not
and tumbling soberlytipsy aboard a lubberly
staggering
Dutch-built hull,becalmed
in a heavy swell
dreaming,when I can
with my inside full of halfJeep,that I am a barrel-chum, revolving
when
I awake, that
and
b
utter
turned cream
or
finding,
incipient
;
dreams do not go so altogether
by contraries ?
If this perpetualmotion
shippedat
hold,the cargo of cheeses we
in
London
be
delivered
will
flat
as
spherical
Dordrecht,
Glo'sters,
single
before she reaches the Nore, will be
bowls ! The Jung Vrouw
as
herself,
a
washing-tub! I have doubts whether the salt beef,producedat this
leathern conveniency
The
round.
a
day's luncheon,was, originally,
that I brought aboard, a fair and square trunk,is alreadyalmost a
the

like the

sun

Ocean

for

"

I here

"

"

"

"

portmanteau;
swallowed

bolus

or

and,

"

this
a

what

blessed

pill,
"

whether

is

day

worse,
without

of

opium

every

several

have

itself into a
rolling
I
leave
ipecacuanha,
you to

bliss,seems
or

morsel

486

OCEAN.

THE

dmae.

become
who
should continue,I may
Biffin
!
Master
Every half-hour,on

If the calm

Ball

myself a
elbows,I find jointsby
A
and getting
obtuser.
asperities,
about
!
me
good point
a

"

knees

and

Is such

this

as

one's sentiments

be

to

season

knows

"

losing
and

little more,

candour

open

"

feelingmy
of their

some

shan't have

in

squeamishlyretentive

rather,is not

Or,

friction

this

delivering
; seeing

inevitable

with the merest

that you cannot have any reserve
even
is impossibleto keep your
to yourself. In
feelings

stranger? It
spite,
then, of
of
the
Yacht
the
Club,
Dibdin, Campbell,and
Britannia,
Navy Pay,
Basil Hall, of the Lords of the Admiralty, with Portsmouth, Devonin spiteof the Royal William, nay, in
port, and Gosport,to boot
spiteof my very self,the truth will out ! not sneakingout, or stepping
out, or backing out, but boltingout, in a plain unequivocal
with
his sheer
style. I do envy the simple man,
straightforward
"

"

"

"

rudders

ignoranceabout
the

ocean"

or

with

each

never

be bosom

The

other

^there is

"

I do

compasses.

mildly

more
sure

"

to be

the

away

Tracts and

by

I cannot
us

agree
we

"

can

friends.

his elder brethren

distribute

Avillbind themselves

legs; Long

and

between
falling-out

Marine

with

abominate

detest and

sea

Societymust despiseme for it ;

TrinityHouse will long to dispose of me

the

in

and

to phrase it

Tom

them, againstme
by a round robin to

Coffin himself

the

kick

will be for

as

Smith

Boatswain

me

Elder

my

Brethren

oi

Joseph was made

will preach,write

Greenwich
with

fetching
me,

Pensioners

their knottiest
with

shroud

in the other ; but I cannot eat my words.

hand, and a dead-light
It is no time,when you cannot
to
stand bandying
keep your legs,
that
with
compliments
sovereign," is, Neptune. If he were
your
present at this moment, in this cabin,I would tell him, from this my
its floor,
that he might very much
seat on
improve his paternalestate,
and
to wit, by levelling,
stillmore' by draining
it.
one

"

would

flatlysay to
him, lying flat on
my
face as it now
happens,
that a few little gravel
and

walks, merely across

across

it,would

be of

advantageboth
and

rare

for show

For 'tisa sorry

that is all
pleasure-garden
use.

fish-pond; and, finally,

I would
broadly hint to
him, from
my

back, as

present

the broad
I

am

But

of

at this

this is

bullyingTaurus

behind

his back.

is no

There

see-saw.

sea-godpresent, only the Skipper.

How

he

THE

skipsin
is

give him

such weather,

miracle I would

I cannot

fain

see

48*7

OCEAN.

his

all the ropes

in the
in
believe
it. For my own

pick of

ere

thread.

ship,
part

step deliberately
going
into the Doctrine of Predestination,
as
curiously
regardsthe soul,
it may
hold good as concerns
the body. Undoubtedlythere be some
even

over

Perhaps,without

too

bom

men

horses

to sit fast upon

others

to fall off therefrom

if they

as

had

soaped saddles. Some to slide and skate upon the ice; others
to walk, or at least
only to slip,straddle,and sprawl upon it. Some
decks ; others to flop,flounder,wallow, and grovel
waddle, on ships'
thereon.
Tliat is my
safe on the Serpendestiny. None can be more
tine,
in the saddle; ^but Fate, long before my
sure
or
great-great"

was
put
great-grandfather

pedestrianon
of

Put

cure.

at the

crew

term

you

plank

the

other, like

againstthe

An
sea-legs.

me

am

me

boim

Goodwin,

shall find

footing. Even

as

whilst Hans

now,

on

average

cripple,
hopeless

the

or

unsafe

comfortablypromenading,I rock

are

end

feet,forbade

apprenticeto

me

end of my

I first paid my

to his

the caulked

land, on

Dudgeon Light,
soles

my

when

as

Vandergrootand

his

and

one
totter,balancing
after
some
great rickety babe, until,

I trip up over
posturingand scrambling,
An
everything.
earthquakein London,

nothing,and
when

fall flat

its streets

are

on

is

what

called greasy, could not more

puzzle my centre of gravity
indeed,
; if,
I was
born
mathematical
not
a
monster, devoid of that material

point!
By

of

way

clincher.Fate, who

incapableof

foredoomingme
the power

me

chair,as
back, and
;

thingsby halves, whilst

groundat sea, has also denied

standingmy

it. A
settling

if it stood

me

of

does

never

behold

in

me

on

camp-stoolis sure to decamp with

itself on
Siberian ice, suddenly throws

an

extempore sledge! Barrels roll from

Even
off.
coils of rope shuffle me
I throw demi-summersets,
floor,

cabin

or

Parliament

to

representthe

the

on
as

been

Antipodes by sitting

on

deck,

returned
back

the

it"

under

hard

plainbare

if I had

me

to

of my

head.
To
boon

for

me

I should
a

Sea

complete tne
at my

never

sail from

was

are

ordained

fresh water

Fates, and each had a

that,like the greatNelson,

three

into salt,without

commotion, which

might be called

it
infirmity,
standingand sitting
I tried every popularrecipe
outwards
;
the

wit,raw
boiled

it

"

there

knowing it by
a
figuratively,

at the Nore.

Mutiny
voyage

"

birth

and
generalrising
Like

Curse,

carrots,raw
eggs, hard

namely,

cream

onions,sailors'biscuit

dumplings,raw

cheese,Welsh

is incurable.
the

with

hard

Dutch
Next

stockfish.

On

my

to
first,
cheese,hardones

the

easy

ones

rabbits,maccaroni, very hasty pudding,

the neutrals : such as chewed

blottinginsupportable
soup.
unbaked
and
chalk,
oatmeal,
dry
scraped
pounded egg-shells,
paper,
dough.
To
wash
these down, I took, by prescription,
tea
without
milk,
and

coffee without
these formulae

Then

sugar, bark
all

without

I then
failing,

wine,

without

water

tried them,

as

witches

brandy ;

and

pray, back-

*""

THE

wards

OCEAN.

brandy without water,

wine

without

bark, and

forth.

so

TIse

and
followed ; rum
experimental combinations
milk, and mustard ;
tea ; gin and
beer, and vinegar; seaoggs and wine, and camomile
water
and salad-oil,
and
with
mulled,
nutmeg. Of which last.
sugar
I drank by advice most
the Doctors of the Marine
lege
Colprodigiously,
that a large
always on the Homoeopathic principle,
dispensing
dose of anything,whereof a littlewould set you
the land,
on
wrong

will set you righton

I need hardlysay

the

sea.

necessitarian viscera,
all
my predisposed
failed of any effect,
to
except
aggravate my
of Paris
Nothingshort of liquidlead,maybe, or potableplaster

these

that,with

infallibleremedies

case.

would

have

Happy

proved a

the

settler.

who

hath

been

driven

in his

despairto test,
detest,invoke,evoke,swallow,and unswallow, such drugsand draughts
of the naval Pharmacopoeia
Thrice happy civic simpleton
!
who
hath
learned how the rudder revolveth,
never
at the risk of turninground
man

never

himself !
is visibly
in
Vandergroot
to the cabin

he looks

and

more

me

roundly,and getsblunter

no

small

about
with

my
oval.

an

their

oval to

an

round
how

get

I must

circle is but

sound,
up

"

stool
three-legged

The

!
at

my
of Leda's

guess
one

legsand

last time

I had
felt,

it
figure,

own

is

now

babies,just emerged,
from

arms,

Heaven

At

every visit
He
talks to
dutch-pin.

the egg !
I get

when

help me
How

of cherries !

shall I

get

mine
short way down)
old librarychair,I must
"

of my

From

landed,

home

"

stairs?

own

borrow

its

of the terrestrial globe!

swims,

in it like

the

the cabin is

or

bolus in its box

alreadyas sphericalas

am

towards

blunter

step.

Instead

head

my

roll about

of

(therewill be

shall I sit?

Either

and

they say

as

like

more

If I may
look like

buds
insignificant
a

and

How

back.

to

of transformation.

course

the earth

What

!
;

"

gettingcircular !

If I
a

I shall

merely giddy,I
little flatted,
or
so, that is,
not

am

a
poles.
rough calm ! I will down on my
knees, if I have knees,and with claspedhands,if hands remain to me,
to batter me
into shape
pray, beg, and supplicatefor a dismal storm

again,though it be
I

get

and

more

but

horrible

!
nine-bobble-square

candid

more

keep nothingto

and

communicative

every

moment.

can
myself: you shall have my whole heart. I abhor,
loathe,execrate, the sea ! If I could throw up my hat,my cry would
be " Land for ever !
A fico for Tom
with Duncan,
Tough ! Down
"

"

Howe,
If

Ask

and

ever

Jervis !
I

No

Dibdin

get ashore,able

for Stoke

again,to write

to chalk

Pogis! Try Lupton

a
upon
Parva ! If

wall, you shall read

I get to a dry desk
ever
"

the poetry of the

land,its prose only upon the sea, you shall have
such strain as this :
published
by Power, to some
verse

upon,

"

and

"

"

The
The

sea

! the D

tcn'ible horrible

!
sea

ocean
a

rare

is all
new

on

the

melody,

490

OCEAN.

THE

thou

that

Devil !

Land-steward, Peter

wast, my

last audit

! after
Siiickey

abate

thy
rents, to volunteer
my
the whole
to reduce them
across
thyselfby absconding,
sea, with
Soland
!
Thrice
land-donkey,
receipt
goose, booby, noddy, sea-calf,
instead of economising,
and loggerhead
turtle was
I,thus impoverished,
before

counselling
me

to pursue

thee

Donner

and

King

John's
in

turn

coming

all the four

from

days

"

crash!

rash

I
out-goings

quartersat

Anglersin

the head

is

I must

once

with

foot

the

heard:

was

prayer

proposedto storm

is made

vilelythis bed

how

control my

my

the Powers

as

"

but

what

Blitzen!

there is a storm

I cannot

where

element

an

on

to

needs

yards

two

highest perpendicular.I
and
I
bolt erect on my heels
here
to lie down,
am
standing
designed
be gettingcold : the very trunks, stools
It must
head.
no, on
my
in
and tables are making a move
towards the stove
are
we
nay, now
for
their
best
the
to
all
rush
sudden
are
some
peril, they
doing
up
that sea last shippedmust needs have put all
cabin-etair. Whew
the Dutchmen's
Another
pipes out.
plunge; and a flood of brine
soaks me
sheet,and blankets. There is no washing
through,shirt,
What
I
at home.
a
complex,
; 'tis all done
put out here, perceive
like a wild desert-born
chaotic motion, the ship tosses and flings
horse,that is tryingto rear, kick up behind,turn round and round,
the head !

higherthan

No,

"

"

"

"

"

and

his back

roll on

at

fair

ship,but

and

all
discords,

other

Dutch

and the

one

with

"

the

This is

moment.

same

Dutch

no

drums, gongs, speaking-trumpets,

; and
brayingtogether

each

rt)cking-

the

on

am

swings,
up-and-down,and
of her
The
is
Yrouw
bereaved
Jung
down
to come
kind of Vandergroot
How
littleone, alias the long-boat.
of
instead
round
the
to tell me
of it,direct,
by
going
sky-light,
through
kind of that table,lyingon its back, to catch him in
the stair ! How
! He tells me, as he sways up and
its legs! Angelsof grace be near
us
down, partlyin High, partlyin Low Dutch, that the Jung Yrouw
horse,the round-about,in
all at

herself is washed

only

the

crash !

Another

once

over-board

But

no

blundering

the

"

Tis

him.

I misconstrued

"

great ruddy staringfigure-headwhich

her

of the

of the tiller that

had stuck astern,on the crown
shipwrights
is gone adrift. Oh how I wish from my soul of souls that I could see
within hail,in the
of the Thames
Yachts now
the Commodore
pulling,

Holland

Wenus
"

"

Or, the

in this cabin!

song
"
The

on

yon

Woman's

Another

Sea"
head

shout.

himself in

wholesale.

I do not

Have

utterlycast

all the

German,

oceans,

with

me

next
as

best

the chair

write

down

poop,

by

for

within

me

in

of

that

floating

mermaid's

chucked

own
; he heaveth after my
the last two hours rejected,

wonder

I not
from

sea-

new

the author

singingto

mistake

takinghim

in heavingthe lead,hath
Pietersoon,

Pieter

and
discharged,

calms,the

the

on
sitting

or

oh ! to behold

And

and bust, taken

alongwith it !

by
fashion,

"

topsy-turvytable !

deep deep

Young

takinga chair
Or, Campbell essayingto

last Dibdin

the
disgust,

whole

ocean,

nay

Atlantic,Pacific the Arctic last,its solid

disagreeing
thingsto Terra Firma, not so violently

the rest.

"

And

do I not

about to give up Neptune,trident and

know

and

feel that I

all,with the whole

am

now

salt-water

THE

mythology?
comb

I warrant,
me
so much

within

remain

not

:"

about

unsavoury
paint hath

to

will be left

the cabin

there shall not

come,

syren'smirror,

as

Triton
solitary

one

odour

minutes

ten

ere

491

OCBAK.

her

or

stomach.

my

on

tortoise-shell

marvellouslylike the

"

Some

smell of oil

seous
turn, by conjuring
justgivenme a new
up all the nauof
marine
on
pictures
which, even
steady dry land,
allegories,
used to stir and provoke
spleen.
my
all here,President,
Oh ! that they were
R. A.,and A. R. A., in a string,
after me
perilous
stair,to the more
climbing
up this perilousslippery
crawl
all-fours to the ship'sside,and clingon
deck, there to
slippery
ing
like cats or monkeys to the quarter-boards,
take a tremblingpeep
"

at what

The

wild

Vandergrootcalls "den
is

tempest-tostsky

jaggedbase

of the low

troubled

as

black

zee!"
the

as

cloud,and

"What

ocean

awful

an

mad

if you
billow,that comes

black

worsted

which
fringe

their marine
JLo !

hand

he

yonder

whip

ever

you
and

"

weather

wet
in

no,

Look

taught ye
Zounds

"

"

down,
laid

manners.

! you

to starboard

are

all

to the left

"

like a
attempting,
with a potato-fork.

of bokickers
brutes

as

hath to

he

indeed, any ribbons

nor

pony

keep together
to hold

nothing,there they go,

to

at
no

invisible

sea
they are just come
Did you
goingdown a road of his own.
set eyes on
such action ?
No stepping
but all pawing and
out
ever
prancingand puttingtheir feet down againwhere they picked them
dancingstud ; as sure as I am a judge,they have
up, like Ducrow's
all got the string-halt
in their fore legs,
because they can't have it in

at

pace

and
obelisk,

why

yonder

Neptune himself,

comes

hath

no,

unbroke

reined-up,
have

tell me,

indeed overwell
his castor, nor
with his beard lather'd but not

tool his team

nor

all,'cause

Oh

crest of
tossing

oyster-shell
drag,and

an

four such

I would

as

the wind
! no,

Vandergroot.
without
gentleman,

is,to

see

neither

"

all

he

as

Pshaw

Hans

"

Did

"

hush, yonder
"

togged otherwise for

shaved
standingup
sorry

But

"

is the

if in search

racingafter us, at all like the black

brethren are apt to hang on the necks of

aye, hats off

"

That's the

stands,

honest

gapingat

your

Arabians

in his state-coach

a'nt dead

"

the

the still jaggedercrest of the

darts to and fro,as

restlessly
"ea, the red angry lightning
of whatever
presumingmortal dares fare between them !
Mister Elias Martin

sight!

whilst betwixt

to

some

each horse is for

"

their hinder
colds
on

You

rabble of naked

four bad

postilions hanging
are

their manes, because they have no saddles,and if they had,they

be able to sit in them w4th those salmon tails ! Between
never

ourselves,Elias,'tis no
pageant
of

safelythat they have

swear

may

look what

besides, and

by

would

ones
"

the water

on

it,you

will be

first-rate hands

great shakes

of

; the

show

Lord

Mayor

beats it all to sticks ; and if you make

a picture
fool for your pains. Yet have I seen paintings
by

as

like to

this

trumpery Sadlers' Wells

same

water

spectacle
Murder

murder

shutter,if there

be

neighbourhood.0
now

certain and

sure

Help

such

help!

! oh ! oh ! oh !
I

am

comfortable

not

thingsin this

TVoe

Ball !

Lord

is

me

I have

and

surgeon

unneighbourly
am

not

"

limbs and members

am

492

OCEAN.

THE

legsand

! like other

arms

distinct back.

My

lumps thereon,and
The

real Seaof him

there

My legsare

and

flat with

up, better

wave,

stools and
Yet

anoint my

tables,on

is it easier with

you,

with

gallonsof
me

foam
down

bruises with trunks,

oak
the hard-hearted

me

than I firstfeared.

only bandy, and not

I likelyto put
Am
for
Neptune and his satellites,

sea-sickness is not
think

worse,

this unhandsome

cature
untimely cari-

then kicked

and

broken,but merely bent.

not

or

againtryingto

with

up

very
nine

nine cabin stairs !

resentment, I suppose,

me

for life; but my

The

are

the cabin-floor.

planks of
lame

in

of my
after spitting
his state-coach,
nine

King,

in my face, knocked
stairs ; and here I am
and bind them

people's,
only they'rebroke ; and a
Oh ! my head, my head ; there are

head !

am

cured.

usage ?

meanwhile, is

Jung Vrouw,

ten
giddy as ever, nay, worse
man
Gerhigh-flying,
deep-diving,
Romanticism
into her wooden
head,and is trying,
plungeafter
make
a
nd
to
drown
commit
wilful
suicide
to
herself,
me
plunge,
along
with her,whether I will or not.
After that, there is no hope; but
I have a horror of shipdie upon land.
oh ! yet oh, my Fates, let me
board
all ties in this cabin is trebly
! The idea of severing
agonising.
Why, the very table is tied to the floor,the candlestick to the table,
the snuffers to the candlestick,
the extinguisher
! Only
to the snjiffers
the burning
bed !
is
and
into
candle
there
^thereit jumps
unattached,
No matter ; it could as soon
Another squall
set fire to the Thames.
,

times told.

She hath taken

as

tingeof

"

How

she groans,

creaks,
strains,
squeaks,
grinds,
and squeezes, like a huge
in
walnut
Neptune's
crackers ! Accursed
Vrow

Jung

! thou wilt be the

widowing of
dear old
Peter
be the

one

my
poor
! Accursed

thou wilt
Stuckey,
murderingof my

poor deaf old self !

I know
not, for

surety, by

reason

that

thingabout me is
quaking and shaking,

every

but I suspectI am
bling
tremlike an aspen.
It
is impossible
to
the

midst

hear,in
this universal

of

hubbub, but meand

thinks,I am wailing
aloud.

weeping
one

may

as

manly exit.
betake

me

But

well make

friend!

DOBT

thee

CXhL

THIS

THE

PACIFIC?"

Like other men,

I would fain
in such sea extremities,
the rum- cask ; but either Hans Vandergrootsails on

to

I
or
Temperanceprinciples,
trv

stave

Full

go down.
Ariel."
It was
delicate

fathom

Alas ! it will not

"

the

the shore,never

Bohemia,

of

out

such

to compose

of the

place. I

What

stage;

I
one

land,on

sightof
sea

the safe

guess
Boreas

that

"

bones

my

givea bad doit,with

to be rubbing the gums
blindlyambitious as to
not

mine, turned
what

is

What

into

if

economical

some

Syren'sknell,I
from

wish

that these two

pearls,should

take it into his head

to

would

the

hair

do,

real storm.

suffer

sea-

jeweller
splitthem,

as

"

lief have

balls

I think
for

of B.

it

as

of St.

it

should

ring? As

for the

I feel him

settingin

at

long hereafter
Sepulchre's.I

to

of

itself,
or,

crown

of the beautiful Countess

yearningto be firstwet-nursed
maids,
Elysium,"by Merthe

it,as

precioususeful

in the British

shine

plain proeaicold sexton

the

canvas

hear

thing to

of

pests
Tem-

into eoral ? I would

shall turn, forsooth,
of
these poor metacarpalbones of mine
some
not so
of the Royal Infemt of Spain. I am

tempting,in

more

even

coasts

serene

and

for the wood

song

for

of sorts

out

Shakspeare,sailing,
ging
hug-

thing for

it is another

but

much

too

am

comfort

change?

wiU

five-

himself,in
by
throughhoarse ship-ropes,
shall
to me
that everythingabout me

howled

in

in the wrong

looked

have

instead.

two

or

493

OCEAN.

THE

"

as

then

death, and

be,

may

have
"

no

praved
de-

lapped

cold,

most

flabby, washy, fishy,

vented
inever
draggletails
man
to give any hufancy

the ague-

half-and-half
neither

red

good

nor

monsters,

flesh,

fish,nor

herring.

cargo of

whole

them,
them,

glut of
leapingalive,unfit for
is not
lovingor eating,
a

nay

worth

Billingsgate,

at

woman
or

loveable real

one

of

one

the
her

maids

on

could

never

boldest

lone

the
wet

imaginethe
gallantest
encountering

and

boatswain
such

eatable
stall.

sea-

beach

witch,

on

combing
shrimpsout of her
sandy

"

mud-coloured

BOWEK

hair, and

ANCHOIl*

her
wriggling

or
it,or tryingto put
stretching
curling,
that she has no pockets,as a shy man

it into her

in company

foolish tail

about,

pocket,forgetting
does

not

know

494

THE

to do with

what

his hands

he tumbled
of

line of

his

over

I could

"

attached

creature, however

OCEAN.

to the

on
fancy him looking

never

fair sex, without

pigtail,
singingout, with

own

such

his
a

recoihngtill
variation
slight

Dibdin's,
*'

Avert

!"

'oman,graciousHeaven

yon

For other

I would not givemy old white pony, that

sea-temptations,
in
of it,to ride like
his
stone
out
road,and some
every
the seas
the fairest fish that was
that Lord Godolphin Arion over
on
I
fear
of
under
foaled.
ever
death, would rather,waiving
Speaking
all the romance,
On my
ride in a rill by a roadside on a stickle-back.
far liefer bestride even
solemn word, I would
a
pond perch with his
stumbles

over

dorsal fin erect.

! "What

hark

But

in Dutch
death-bell is tolling

"
"

scramble, crawl,haul

I must

I may.
funeral is the seeing
how we
are
the deck how

unto

up

What
hard

cry ?

dreadful

Our

"

Del, del,is verlooren !

myself,spiteof my sprainedankles,
Next

best unto

done

witnessingour

own

to death.

is the tillertied hard

Here

sight!

that

means

a-port,or hard a-lee,as

tie it. Further

back is the Skipper himself,
tangled
enthey can
cord
the
stern-rails
and
other
to
or
yonder
dismallyby some
;
of rope round himself and
is his mate, with a hundred
and fifty
turns
the mizen-mast,which he seems
tryingto strengthen.The gunner,
as

I take him

as

made

be, with

to

fast to look

is
of breeching,
preposterous superfluity

througha hole,which

to have

seems

for

been meant

to a cannon
; and the carpenter,well pinionedand tethered
stout
danglingtherefrom,
rope to the back-stay,is sheepishly

window

by

Order

of the Golden

is

hands,

if for

as
spliced,

double-turned

long-boat.Should
head

from

even

the

to

by
his

legs

to

like
Oh

the
a

the broad

the anchor

main-mast,
back, iR

be

dropped,Jan

it.

Poor

over, and re-bound

called rope-yarns
; and lo,up

rattlines,hangs Diedrick
left there to

bound

were

dry, in

myself round

the main

and

round

is

the

place of

Bart

is sure,

Yops,

littleYacob
unto

ring-bolt,

yonder,lashed

Dumm-Kopf,

his

Hendrick

and

of his

both
Yaart

Adam

capstan.

been turned

are

splitcod

! that I

on

the

to

foot,to go alongwith

hath
apprentice,
articles which

the

life,unto

double-knotted

and

his brother is belayeddown,

the lost

of the

shipis uppermost, like unto the Lamb

The cook, having given away
Fleece.

his side of the

whenever

head

by

wards,
down-

shrouds

all the

ribs,from

thus, in articulo

lest even
top to the bottom, with good six-twist,
of laughter. The
a
nd
die
with
I
excess
mortis, burst,splitmy sides,
mistrusts
for he grievously
Skipper,honest Hans, with much difficulty,

the

to the beatingof tlie wave,

opening his mouth
breathing
it is gone, hath let me
and sealing
comes,
up his lipswhen
and that
the
wild
whole secret.
Considering
sea, he saith,

his

can

tie himself

so

surelyas

substance,
they had
agreement, to such

been

all

another

man

can,

fastened,at their

hold-fasts

as

to some
own

pleased them

more

when

it

into the
no

man

steadfast

specialwish

and

best, by Diedrick

THE

Dumm-Kopf,

who

surest, in

order

should

blown

be

provideforliis safetyas he judged

the storm
might liberate them again when
That
after
first
accordingly,
tying them all

he

over.

he

securelyas

as

afterwards

was

that

to

said Diedrick

able, the

was

49h

OCEAN.

betook

himself

the

to

main

about half way

he lashed himself by the
rigging,
up, to which
his
likewise
with
and
his great clasp-knife
ankles,holdingon
hands,
in his mouth.
That the Jung Yrow
drivingbefore the wind and sea,
to navigateher pretty comfortably
they made shift,
as they were,
for
minutes

twenty

some

thereby, when

or

Diedrick,beingseized

with

present posture,from

which

dismal

that

was

sudden

they

saw

let go his hold and drop into his

vertigo,
he could never
recover
himself; and it

sightwhich

all of

had

extorted

universal

the

outcry that I

heard.
I

sicker of the

am

and
life,
such
Oh

soul

maybe,

set of Dutch

! that the

to

means

with

much

so

all the

the

"

meaning in

it

gambled
their

on

as

them

scare

Christian

by

away

of

Lloyd's
tenance
Skipper'scoun-

the
a

man's

shoulders ?

Underwriters

sightof

mere

eaten, would

be

to be

Asses' heads

and

this deck
not

safetyof

interest than

more

no

Is the

ever

Chairman

worthy

present on
there,with

for that

of

Bottoms

here

were

than

sea

smoked

from

pig'sface,

all sea-risks for

ever!

us

Thanks

be to Heaven

"they

come

aboard.

sail.

Pilot ?

well

love

dear Pilot,as you

yonder'sa
"

It makes
said !

towards
straight
Oh, honest, good,

distressed poor countryman

if you
turned

as

"

rudders are
and how
the compass
rope'send is, take the biggestbit of

"

c^ble you

"

stand
under-

you

know

what

pick,and

can

give

! 'Twill cost you

no
yonder Dutch sea-calves a round dozen a-piece
Pish
!
never
great pains,seeingthey are tied up ready to your hand.
mutinied
themselves.
mind
their offence ; they have
Smite,
against
I will go ashore
in
Hollo
boat.
and
not.
meanwhile,
your
spare
down.
heed to my
Take
there ! help me
footing. Catch me, all of

you, in your
If ye had
drown' i.
look

Now

arms.

hauled

not

My

shoulder

helms

to your

and

in.

am

in

me

againwith

that

'Tis

! I an't !

boat-hook,I

same

forgive. Never
gallonor two of

it,but

bleeds for
sails.

I an't ! I ant

No,

only a

heed
sea-

was
me

water,

I am
used
justswallowed, that is indisposedto go on shore with. me.
blessed
is
the
of
this
boat ? The
name
to it,indeed I am.
Pray, what
!
indeed
The
Yrow
was
a
Quakeress to
Jung
LivelyNancy. Lively
heart leaps also.
she takes,my
At
her !
Pray, pray,
every jump
pray

take in

committingsuicide.
of

am

murtherer

out

What

drivingwith
hold fast
Oh

You

canvas.

some

They

think

mind

me

no

be

you

but
sailing,

than

more

into its fire !

Danger'sfrying-pan

stones.

Peter

are

you

Oh

Stuckey

! oh !
will be

after all !
set

of

half her deck

by something.

! oh ! what

an

They grin like

dare-devils !

awful

under
am

water

worse

!
than

baboons

I will shut
ever.

whilst she is

mine

and

eyes

give myself

roaring,
grindingnoise
hissing,

we

are

up.

come

496

THE

into

The

boat

bottom

Hah

soul

kindly

some

beach
made

Stand

Blessed

Nancy

amongst

Neptune

shall

farewell
God
me

but

say

within
I
his

will

see

all

it."
a

be

prayers,

and

you,

of

you

for

and

fast
but

asleep

you

jump
in

you

of

it,

to

then.

and

Hans

like

even

out

in
the

two

Irishman

amen.

say

foh

work

of

to

you

Share

my

Farewell,

me.

Cropton-le-Moor,

meeting

merry

one,

to

look

or

safe, still, silent

sweet,

remembered

whyijon't

till
if

me

have

Vrouw

Jung

me

in

the

land

both

saved

come

native

my

not

on

Ah

married

get

did

short

stop

the

of

Why

farewell,

that
upon

bottom

sand.

kiss
!

and

to

the

upon

ever

not

and

"

Now
run

If

to

have

upward

going

hang-dogs

ye

'tis all

the

ocean

advice,

my

friends.

part
to

and

one

prohibit

minutes
to

glad

be

leap

me

else

or

was

Farewell,

Take

you

We'll

she

over-haste

my

Farewell,

blessing

gore

farmers.

young

let

in

dry ground

be

Lively

and

out,
heels

am

that

me

aside,

coming
I

help

spout

is

sea

forewarn

all

nose

my

and

Help

the

of

OCEAN.

Jan

may

!
be

land-bed

clipped
who

Pieter

wished,
!

Set

current

forgot

498

THE

and his

if he

as
swinging,

arms

of Andcrnach

that is to

"

DILEMMA.

DOMESTIC

about

were

be admitted

leapingbackwards

by

say,

to

burgess

over

win-

in his arms, in order

with a well poisedpailof water
wing-fan,
show if he accomplished
it neatly.
The night-light
be left burningwhere it is,Dietrich."
may
no

to

"

"Now
"

No
a

then, Malchen!"
then,Dietrich,

Now

"

of

wild

into the bed.

in his

"

Sancta

"

with

room,

the

speed of

and, with

thing
some-

BEARER

OF

GREAT

THE

SEAL.

tumblingher body,skow-wow, bow-wow,

"

sobbed

Madame

Doppeldick,as

she settled into

the floor.

Potz-tausend

"Ten

!'*

the side of the bedstead.

!" said

of the bed like

out

the

toes

a
scramble, plungedheadlong
somethingmore
Dietrich
was
a
thought later,from
phlegmatic
in his run, to
the whole lengthof the landing-place
leap,so that just as his bulk came, squash! upon the

Maria

hysterics
upon

across

your

of

his predecessor
was
coverlet,

any-how,

rush

on

Malchen

modest

and

THE

over

"

The

havingincluded
helphim

The

elephantmade

jump

gently

run

said than done.

sooner

young

and

thousand

Mr.

Doppeldick,as

he

crawled

backwards

crab.

devils!"

bellowed

Captain Schenk"

suppressed

exclamation

that the first shock

from
throat,

his throat into his lungs,

and from thence into his stomach

but which

"

Why,

the second

shock

had

had

now

driven

from

driven out

his mouth

into his
;

againin full force.

thought.Mister Jean Paul Nemand

(saysthe reader),
that we
left the Captain safe and sound,in his own
bed,next the
the
with
w
ork
coverlet?"
window,
patch-

LOVE

"

it was
as

And

so

so

there

did,Mister

we

(saysthe author,)but

Wherefore,
caughtthe cramp.
and as honest Dietrich
in the room,

second spare bed

Jemand

Carl Wilhelm

short,that in five minutes

was

499

LUNACY.

AND

he

and as of all blessings

we
ought to
nothingof other lodgers,
to give it a trial" and
the Captain determined
choose the biggest,
between
he liked the bed well enough,tillhe felt a sort of
you and me
out of his face,his
smashingpain all over his body,his eyes squeezing
front teeth,at a gulp,going
into it,and his precious
nose
squeezing
uninvited down his gullet
!
had

said

"

WHY

D(D

LOVE

SUP

YOU

ON

PORK

LUNACY.

AND

does not love the silver moon.

In all her fantasies and all her phases?

The

Moon

Whether

"

who

full-orb'd in the nocturnal

noon,

Shiningin all the dewdropson the daisies.

Fairies in their mazes.
the tripping
To light
Whilst stars are winking at the pranksof Puck
;
she
sheaves
brown
Or huge and red,as on
gazes
Or

new

Who

coin is turn'd for luck ;

?
will not say that Dian is a Duck
and

But, oh
When

thin,when

"

and sweet.
tender,beautiful,
her silent round, serene, and clear,

! how

in

By assignation
lovingfancies meet.
the pangs of absence drear !
So Ellen,dreamingof Lorenzo, dear,

To

But

recompense

distant from the

Still saw

his

citymapp'd by Mogg,

image in

that silver
kk2

sphere,

500
Plain

as

used to set

That
And

so

That
Was

ancestors

our

in

she told him

a-gog.

pretty letter,

exactlyas

to hand

came

lantern,hush, and dog,

with

the Man

LUNACY

AND

LOVE

eleven
ten
striking
then he might have
"

For

eaten

better ;

six

eggs,

more

turkey-legs.

both of the bedevill'd

And

Meg's

Saint

been

had

East, West, North, and Soutli

beside,the teapot to the dregs
Draining,

With

relishes from

A.st

ABSTRACTIOK

Is rather

for
spoilt

And

so

The

the

heart is in his

whose

Whereas

man,

mouth,

hunger and for drouth.

wasted

hot, were
kidneys,broiling

brawn

"

it never

enter'd

in his

thought;

gratedParmesan remained untasted ;

left as they were
The pottedshrimpswere
bought,
for
stood as merely good
The capelings
nought,

The

German

The

Whilst

sausage

her
Juno, licking

There's neither bone

nor
Gristle,

Heav'n

The

man

bless that

Goldsmiths*

Heav'n

nor

scalp,that

bless the

Heav'n

did not

was
lips,

poor

skin about
one

who

can

give

firstdevised

such

Master, and

taught

letter.

publicpilewhich

front with

bless the

tempt him better.

setter.

mail

stands

concealing

solid veil !

Sir Francis

Freeling,

501

LUNACY.

AND

LOVE

drags,the nags, the leadingor the wheeling.

The whips, the guards,the horns, the coats of scarlet.
!
The boxes, bags,those eveningbells a-pealing
Heav'n bless, in short,each posting
thing,and varlet,
Charlotte.
to a sighfrom
That helps a Werter
The

So felt Lorenzo

he

as

"Where,
And
then, recumng
With
He

He

lo ! with

snubbish

Will

loosen

Oh

a-twist,

once

sound

enough in

with

poutinglook mistaken.
sweethearts hand and glove.

firm

when

word,

screws

love,rock

or

shaken,

chimney-potswere

breath will into huffs awaken,

pettish

Towzers
!
cats, and snarling
spitlike hump-back'd
and forsaken.
Till hearts are wreck 'd and founder'd,
knows
Lord
how, sirs,
shipsgo to Old Davy,

To

As

enough for

heav'n is blue

While

"

all at

features

gist;

"

littlemiffs and tiffsin love,

! what

bound

was

Faustus's Infernal Hound

summon

Alas

enlist,

to their

to hasten

whistle,wild

gave

To

ecstacy his soul

When,

sweet

phrase I must

the words

gulpd

sheet,

to its contents

thirstyeyes,

In mortal

the

oped

he kiss'd.
darlingsignature

the
first,

moon's

The

would

Who

make

Could

love,and
full,

at

man

certain

So look'd the chafed

in

And,

trice,the

crumpledlike

Was
Ah

! had
More

He

of

such

you"
"

kind

trowsers

P.S.

turn white, then red, then blue,

knit his eyebrows and compress

teeth,as if about
peoplewhen

His
Like

I think

thoughtthat

have

black, and

Then

Dutchmen's

to effervesce

they lose at whist !

Lorenzo, ne'ertheless.

kiss'd

he had

paper

snowball

in his fist!

he been less versed in

in short,of
ignorant,

scientifics.
is what

what

flared up in such calorifics;

and trot
he would seek societies,

ne'er had
But

Clubs

To

Birkbeck

With
And
That
The

Mechanics*

"

other

work,

"

Institutes

Bartley
"

men.
lecturing

of

weekly

Combe
And

parts,which

Copper-bottomedMagazine
"

But,

and

"

got

George Robins

"

had

he not

sells
or

"

so

many,

Penny?"

of all learned

Men

dive like

poolswhereon, or in.
dabchicks,or like swallows

skim,

"

Rennie,

502

AND

LOVE

LUNACY.

hardlydamp'd,some wetted to the skin,

drown'd like pigswhen they attempt to swim,

Some

Some

Astronomy was
(Tis studied by a
Of Addison
"While

whim,

Prince amongst the Bunnans) ;

heavenly bodies which, the Hymn

loved those

He

Lorenzo's

most

declares,preach solemn
their

waltzingon

pivotslike

sermons,

Germans.

young

Nightafter night,Avith telescopein hand,

Supposingthat the nightwas
he took
Aloft, on the house-top,
Till he obtained

to know

Better,I doubt, than

soon

That

made

And

"

espiedthe flaw
him

each

"

moon's
Indeed

But

! does she

"

The

so

"

comer

! that

woman

wrote

twelfth,and

Full !

I know

no

yes

But

word

me

now

the

upon

it must

"

better ?'*

no

vows

be full

fetter,

can

at the

very pretty cock-and-bull

she

me

"

of the letter

at full ! 'twas very

moon

Why
The

fancythat

stay for three weeks

Jove ;

have

thee,"
debtor.
be,

"

to

moon

By
"

gave
O woman

of

ferocious,
rending,pull;

most

I think

her humble

much

she would

either

Herewith, at
He

epistle,
lapseso sheer
such a bristle.

Storm-Shipwhistle.

full,
love,and

at

! I'm very

the moon-calf

not

Zounds

of the

twinklingsphere
"Starry Vere ;"

fond

raise his hair in

like the Boatswain

The

the

"

clear,

his stand,

Milton

Thus, readingthro"*poor Ellen

He

fair and

full !
!

d !

reckon
finely
the first

upon

"

twenty-second
"

enough to

burst !

let her go
of all vile jilts
the worst"
Here with his thumbs
he gave contemptuous snaps,
he blubber d like the child that's nurs'd.
Anon
"

"

And

then he hit the table

And

stamp'dtillhe

"

moon'^s at full

The

"

No
Here

doubt

And,

and

am

both his straps.

in her

I do believe it in my

he threw

Like
The

frightful
raps.

had broken

thought
"

soul !"

his head, and gave a snort

horse firstharness'd to a pole:

up

young

"

is full

d bowl !
aye, so is this d
the
like
of
sourest
grinning
curmudgeons.
moon

Globe

"

"

water

"

"

^fishes he dash'd down

"

the

whole.

Strewingthe carpet with the gaspinggudgeons;

Men do the strangest
thingsin such love-dudgeons.

AND

LOVB

"

J filllier thoughts her

?
memory's vice-gercnt

"

No,
And

no,

paltrypuppy

some

"

round

Norval'a

as

His

fancies grew

weeks

old-

incoherent

thus

"

DOUGLAS.

he w^ent

as

three

"

shield"

HOME

503

LUNACY.

to scold ;

on

into breakers roll'd,

are
So stormy waves
Work'd
chaotic wroth
up at last to mere
"

This

tails

^heads

^that

"

"

"

"

As

meat, in
onions,turnips,

By

turns

"

bob up, and

Fool that I
A

full

one

like

"

baby

hunter's

"

the froth.

face

"

and red-

round

that I am, to giveher more

a place
and here he struck his head.
this heart

Ass

"

Within

But

no

"

Well

newer

Juno

Here

The
'

Will

My

"

of all the

are

your

image ?

why
'

sex

she

I'm

got a

Mine

"

"

sick !

kick.

where's her infernal scrawl ?

"

thought: that
image thus recall

silver ray

in my
dear

trick.

dandy under-bred

some

"

is full

you

ever

"

artifice

wonder'd

moon

And

an

face

^be it so

"

dead
Almanack-compilers

the

are

all
^'tis

Some

'

"

'Sdeath

''

"

splutterin

to let

was

thoughtsjumbled uncontroll'd
broth.
boiling

'
"

She'd barter it away

504

LOVE

AND

LUNACY.

Pretty Poll's on an Italian's tray !

weeks, full weeks, it is too plain too
Too gross and palpable! Oh cursed day !
but if they had
have not crazed
My senses
For

Three

"

Such

moons

Oh

"

would

So fair for falsehood ?

Deceit

?"
angel-like

so

He

gropedwith

if

flea from

some

But

no

the hand

"

Before
Poor

Who

how
a

moon,

no

And

"

Came

full one,

with

his

arm

it with

hand,

jump'd,thumpM

At

all

"

nights,
noons,
ashamed,

he

touch'd.

spoon

he

clutch'd.

fury in the standish,

the
outlandish.
Niger
such

Oh

"

danced

He

But

heroic brandish

and here

"

flood,like

his hat

most

"

I'll write

never

carry,

and mouth.

eyes, nose,

herewith

rushingforth

Ye

and

bland,
it,east, west, north,south,

at

ramm'd
sable

to fetch

the mimic

he would

gave

But

tarry,
plann'd:

in that fair face,so

"

"

it hurls

pearls.

broughtit to her master

I'llgo to her,"
And

forth,and down
with

beset

it,and

only saw

Look

chest,

feature scann'd ;
the old lovingardent drouth,

with

not

rip

human

outragecould be

and

seized

He

up

had leam'd

Juno, who

dre"t

you

fleecycurls

on

comes

another

Pick'd

Yet

hand

the floor it did not

longupon

lip

have

his vest,
impetuous at his breast.

Juno's

lady'sminiature

Yet

Wherefore
"With sudden

skipp'dto batten

Had

frame

buff buttons from

new

And
As

"

six

tore

mad

Doctor

did you

! wherefore

Nature

"

"

Mad

worry

bad

"

"

Antics
so

caper
tore

"

moons,

and

Buffoons

ran-dan-dish
swore,

more

spoons, and

than ten

dragoons

pantaloons!

of such

dancing.
or
a
band.
Weippert's
His rampant arms
and legsleft off their prancing,
And down he sat again,with pen in hand,
Not fiddle-headed,
or King's-pattem
grand,
But one
of Bramah's
patent Caligraphics
;
soon

Without

or

weary,

Collinet's

And

it spoil'd
before he plann'd
a sheet
many
likelyletter. Used to pure seraphics.

sounded
Philippics

Long

after Sapphics.
strangely

while he rock'd like Yankee

Staring
as

he would

in his chair.

stare the wainscot

through,

506

LOVE

take

But

LUNACY.

AND

good twelve minutes to the mile"

Monday morning,just at ten o'clock.

On

G.R

WILL

WHEN

As

Ellen humm'd

Her

ear

Which

"

startled

was

thrills the

IT

The

by

REACH

Young May

that

like

nerves

LONDON

double
an

Moon

"

the

while,

knock

electric shock !

Her

righthand instantlyforgotits cunning,

And
into the street it dropt,or flung,
down
Right on the hat and wig of Mr. Gunning,
The jug that o'er her ten- week-stocks
had hung
Then

And

the stairs by twos

down

throughthe passage like a

! how
sanguineare the

Alas

She littlethought,
when
She

paid a

Too

dear at any

with

fond and young

the coin she parted,
"

sixpenceto be broken-hearted

Nothing and

price had she but paid

taken discount,
it was
dear;
"

it was, the sweet-lipped

maid
Oft kissed the letter in her brief career

Yet, worthless
Between

as

the lower

and

the upper

sphere,

Where, seated in

a study bistre-brown,
piercea mystery as clear

She tried to
As
"

that I

saw

once

ReadingMade

and threes she sprung.

burglardarted.

clown
a young
puzzling
turned
but
Easy,"
upsidedown.
"

LOVE

Yet

507

LUNACY.

AND

Ellen,like most misses in the land,

certain of
sippedsky blue, tlirough

Had
At

In

The

"

called

stand

squares, and

highways,byeways,

'Twas
Two

which

of those establishments

one

Grove,"

"

village
greens
that

name

poplarsstand
Holland

blind,to keep

twenty-fourYoung

But

when

the

upper

Revealed
Each

dovm,

window

to

in

Ladies

of Miss

if Miss

as

lower

one

Bate.

B.

by chance,
dead.

were

passingglance

littledimity white

cool state

left unclosed

were

screens

blinds not

The

means

"

The

Each

always

like sentries at the gate

had its close Venetian
screens

window

Each
And

her teens,

bed

cropp'dor curlyhead

economies,
were
led.
twenty-four
Along
Like coupledhounds, whipped in by two she-dominies
With
faces rather graver than Melpomene's.

And

thrice

week,

the road

the

thus their studies

And

health's

for soul's and

On

they pursued:

"

Beef,collects,
batter,texts from
Mutton, French, pancakes,grammar

Sunday,

Price

Dr.

of

"

Monday

Chapone's Advice
dumplings,globes,
;
fancy-work,rice-milk (no spice)

^hard

Tuesday
Wednesday
reading;
Thursday pork,dancing,currant-bolsters,
Friday beef,Mr. Butler,and plainrice ;
Saturday scraps, short lessons and short feeding,
"

"

"

"

"

and goodbreeding.
Stocks,back-boards,hash,steel-collars,

From

this repertory of female

Came
To

Ellen

once

the
gratify

fatter !

of

parents yearning.
beef,and batter.
bolsters,
dumplings,and rice-milk,she did not smatter,

'Twas

eyes

evident in

Hard
But

learning.

quarter,always

as
heartily,

Jenkins

demoUidge;'"'

"

says,

She

not to flatter.
learning,
leave their college.
often happens when girls
had done nothingbut grow out of knowledge.

At

Long

But
As

And
Her

As

for any

as

Division

History was

French

it

sums

quiteas
too

was

she had
bad

small for

And

Priscian suffered in her

Her

drawing might be
globes ^the use

for the

She knew

done

"

when

no

she went

chance.
balk

Petty France,

Englishtalk
with

cheese

or

chalk ;

of the terrestrial
out to take

walk,

508

take

Or

LUNACY.

AND

L07E

but, touchingthe celestial,

ride ;

knowledgehardlysoared

Her

PRACTICE

the beetiaL

above

DRIVES

ME

MAD.

Mars ;
Nothing she learned of Juno, Pallas,
she
what
for
knew, might stand
Georgium,

Sidus,for Master
The

Bear

The

Bull

As
From

As

northern

same

that butted

ergo,
brother ;

at her

Twins, she only guessedthat Yirgo,

coming after them, must be their mother ;
like
weighed soap, tea,figs,

any

other.

ignorantas donkeys in Gallicia,

She thoughtthat Saturn, with his Belt,was
private,may

be, in the Kent

That

Charles's Wain

That

Venus

Oh, Gods
That

and

was

would

stick in

real West-End

Goddesses

of Greek
would

Berenice's Hair

Chair
Cassiopeia's

deep rut,

slut

"

Theogony !

curl and

cut,

was

"

Judge,then,how puzzledby
Lorenzo's

letter

came

but

Militia ;

good Mahogany,
her
such
was
french-polished,
Nicely
cosmogony

That

Burgo,

stars.

for the

Scales

The

then, for

she fancied did in sable fur go,

Farmer
Giles's bull,and,
was

the

Ram

The

for

now

the scientifics
to

dispense
;

LOVE

509

LUNACY.

AND

hieroglyphics,
of their Egyptian sense
quiteas
;
and
A sort of London
dense,
fog,opaque
and datives
Hung over verbs, nouns, genitives,
In vain she pored and pored,with eyes intense,
lizard,
crawlingover

much

Knows

well

As

is known

oyster-operatives,

to

lookingat the- shells won't

Mere
Yet

mixed

natives.

she
words, so called,

found

that gave her heart the staggers

;
easy
her, like a hound
givingtongue against

Some

ones

"Words
At

with the hard

open

pickingout

fault

words

"

speakingdaggers.

seemed, in hostile swaggers,

very
To lash their tails,
but not as horses do.
Nor like the tails of spaniels,
gentlewaggers.
But like a lion's,
he tears in two
ere
A black,to see if he is black all through.
The

With

letters

open

mouth,

and

eyeballsat

full

stretch,

gazedupon the paper sad and sorry.

sound
stir quitepetrified,
no
poor wretoh !

She
No

"

"

Apollo,in
Down-stoopinglike
As

when

Of Niobe,
Tn

old
a

allegory,

falcon,made

justturned to Purbeck

stone

into

fact,since

Cupid grew
Judge if a suinglover,let alone
A

lawyer, ever

Ellen,I
That

will

wrote

no

in such

longercall

time is past,and

his quarry
;

worry.

tone.

you
ne'er can

mine,
come

again

610

LOVE

However

I, alas ! have learned, that love

the veil is rent.
is pass'daway,

Your

heart

one

poor

intended

feel,

was

doubt,be pleasantbeyond measure.

underneath

fear not,

the

I absolve

"

Use,

^use

"

reign;

meant

never

whisperingbough

Dian, a perpetualround

Nay,

for my

wane.

in it to be content.

man

It must, no
To wander

With

not

was

I
full,

sphere so

"

can

"

dream

With

shine,
may
is plain,

undimmed
lights
truth
one
undiminishing,

And

LUNACY.

other

Which
The

AND

pleasure.

of every

vow,

"

celestial pleasure
now.

own

your

Your

of

and

perigeearrange.
apogee
Herschel might aptly stare and wonder

To

that constant

me

counterfeit is sometimes

Oh

"

Ellen ! I

Such

words

how,
nothingstrange

disk has

"

hard

to

change.

littlethoughtto write

once

you, with

unto

hard

so

pen

Yet

outragedlove will change its nature quite,

And
turn like tiger
hunted to its den
"

How
And

Falsehood

on

men

and forlorn !
abash'd,discovered,
but
only cusp'd
gibbous then

stands

Had

tripsin her deceits

it been

"

"

It had gone down

^but Faith drew back in scom^
And
would not swallow it without a horn !
"

"

'*

in occultation, that is

am

My

"

culmination

plain:

that's

past,
"

clear.

quiteas

But

think not I will suffer your disdain

To hang a lunar rainbow
on
a tear.
Whate'er

No

my

murmur,

Smile

"

they shall be buried here

sigh, shall thence exhale :

pangs,
not

"

for your own

peculiarsphere
on,
Choose some
eccentric path, you cannot
fail.
And
stick
tail
!
most
a
on
portentous
pray
"

and

"

"

Farewell

! I

hope

For me, I never

As for the bran-new

Monkey
Nor

or

man,

you
felt

Three
Your

so

in health and

well and

idol of the
I

am

e'en will ask who

merry

day.

indifferent
"

is the

gay
"

very

Happy Jerry;
sleep,
let me
hint that you will want
a
wherry,
and not a chance of neap.
weeks* spring-tide,
parlourswill be flooded six feet deep!

My jealousyis dead, or
But

are

gone

to

LOVE

"'

Oh

delicious

Ellen ! how

Wherein
Meanwhile
No
Yet

the

melancholybird

Airy

And

take

cycles
"

and

"

let South

dip,I

Farewell

again!

be

of

blend,

night
"

an

end.

friend.

a
so

fond,

recommend

duly conn

beg,in the

POND

"

I would

light

used to

the lover 's at

"

advise you, as
pen sentiments

next

Study your
Our

that

was

shadows
plighted

if I may

Before you

611

LUNACY.

our

of that

more

AND

d,

greatPond.

ASTRONOMY.

it is farewell for ever.!

lamp of nightbe lit up thrice,

haply,for Swan River,
sailing,
Jamaica, or the Indian land of rice.
Or Boothia Felix
happy clime of ice !
For Trebizond,or distant Scanderoon,
Before

your

I shall be

"

Or
Or
"

Ceylon,or Java redolent of spice.

neighbourof the Cape baboon.
settling,
roaming o'er The Mountains of the Moon
"

What
That

matters

where

dear meridian

? my

wt)rld

spot from

no

which

longerowns
I dated

Degreesof distance,hemispheres,and zones,

A globeall blank and barren and belated.
What

matters

where

my

future

life he fated ?

515

Koords

Lapland hordes,or

With

squatterin

What

matters

Leans

to the country that

! and

Farewell
As

the present,

the Crescent

reveres

well I

fare thee

of my

for his

sexton

no

located.

My bias,at

if for ever,

another

wrote

I ask

where

Afric peasant,

or

woods

the western

"

LUNACY.

AND

LOVE

:
fellow-martyrs

passing-bell,

tear-dropsto be starters.
I may die,transfixM by Tartars,
by Constrictors strangled,
poisoned,

I do not ask your

However
Cobras

By

shark

By

snapt above the garters,

cayman

or

lion

By royaltigeror Cape

mangled.

Or starved to death in the wild woods

Or tortured

"

slowlyat
in the

smother'd

Or

Or crush'd in Chili

Or baked

dirgedby

Or

stiffen'd to

Or

by
lava,a

in

syrens

sandy hot simoom,

quake,
tomb.

Vesuvian

and the billows' boom

Alpinesnows,

by the plaguewith sudden

by Vampyres to a last repose.

stricken

Or
Or

suck'd

Or

self-destroy'd,
impatientof

"

stake,

earth's awful

stock mid

Indian

an

doom.

woes

my

well,however

I may
fare,
fare perchanceto the Lethean
shore.

Still fare you

A

in the air,

Caught up by rushingwhirlwinds
dash'd down

Or

this

Nay,

This hand

Prone

heart,once

warm

you

with

cataracts

should have

dreadful
unto

yours

roar

the core.

claim'd in church

or

minster,

"

Some

she read no morecannibal may gnaw

fell
the senseless spinster.
the carpet
"

on

in
as "'twere,
Losingherself,
Of

entangled,

of such

Kidderminster

fall the shock

great.
father,pantingfrom the shop.
rush'd the mother, without cap or tete.
Pursued
with her mop ;
by Betty Housemaid
course

was

In rush'd the

In

The
The

cook to

charwoman

changeher
next

apron

scrambled

did not
up

the

stop.

stair,
"

All

to haul,to seat, to prop.

help to lift,
they stand and smother round the ohair,
Exclaimingin a chorus,"Give her air!

And

then

"

One

sears

Another

her nostrils with

rams

phialup

burningfeather.
her

nose

514

LOVE

the
on
list'ning

But

LUNACY.

AND

stairs contrived

Ellen,gazinground

For

with

to

linger
;

of

eyes

blue,

DECAPITATION.

last the features of her parent knew,

summoning her breath and vocal pow'rs,

At

And,
"

Oh,

!" she exclaimed

dear Lorenzo"

Our
"

Ours"

*'

liked

Oh

There

Q"

yes

the dear

"

mother,

cried the

never

Q"
"

mother

him,

never,

^you did

"

"

"

name

"

pray

is it tru^"
show'rs

don't call him

in my
days !"
said Ellen with

"

ours

sob,]

a somethingin his ways

kind,"said Ellen,with a throb
"

so

I call a snob,

what
His very face was
"West-end
of
coats and
And, spite
"

had

He
I'm

sure

"Tlie
"

He

he has

when

Oh

cruel

"

come

thought
"

once

false
stood

!" cried the

"

He

**

I like him

as

so

of afternoons
I'llwatch

spoons!"cried Ellen,almost

that

pantaloons.

sort of air of the swell mob

tea, I've often

To

Oh,
drew

"

always was

So sweet

"

"
"

cruel

"

and

high in your

spoons !**

my

with

scream,

unjust!
esteem

!"

dame, grimacingher disgust,

?" yes^aa

any

body must

LOVE

An

and

infidel that scoffs at God

Didn't he

bringyou

Devil

bust ?
Bonaparty^s

hardly can be civil"

always Mr. Neville.

he calls I

Lord

! when

Ml/

favourite

"Lorenzo?

515

LUNACY.

AND

was

I should

like,of earthlythings,
To see him hangingfortycubits high;
and Swings ?
Doesn't he write like Captain Rocks
Nay, in this very letter bid you try
and tie
To make yourself
particular,
tail ! Oh, daughter!
A tail on
a prodigious
"

"

"

And
And

down

don t he ask

you
to cut your

recommend

brick-bats round

With

Alas ! to think how

A

writer's

Lorenzo's hint about

And

would

Who

Could

have

"

fie !

in

ponds of

the

thought

be

brought!
simple way he taught

of poor Ellen's moon,

a
furnish forth an image so distrauglit,
comet

Ellen,walkingRegent Street
Tail'd ^likea fat Cape sheep,or
As

"

STICK

AS

YOU

BE

THAT

l2

?*

Airy

likeness could

dreamt

water

may vary
would have

mortal

Professors

to such

Pond

To make

What

"

area

beingshorter.
neck

readers thus
!

sense

your

his

at noon,
a

THE

racoon

COMET

16

LUNACY,

AND

LOVE

yet,whate'er absurditythe brains

to suck'e
May hatch,it ne'er wants wet-nurses
dry ones, like a hen, to take the pains
it ;
To lead the nudity abroad,and chuckle

And

Or

No

whim

stupidbut

so

his empty head,

will knead

jinglebell-like on

To

No

mud

mental

fool will buckle

some

No

;
fancy they are making fancy-bread
read.
has
has written,but some
ass
ass

No

dolts could lead if others did not follow 'em.

And

If any
But
As

The

could not be

man

as

sure

girl well
Accomplish'd
"

"

chuck'd"

I wish

her

of

I had

as

born

on

Zounds
been

by

"

'Ods

night!

BY

nails !

CRAB.

christen'd John

and

"

such swaps

and

tails,
malaprops

HAUL

was

handsome

his area-rails !

THE

OF

'em

stops.

Mjather made

areas"

TAILS

"

full

meanings,heads

I'llstick the scoundrel

I will !

swallow

to such

seized upon

Father

My girldown

And

got to

comes
follynever
the
as
then,
soon,

give decillionth drops,

could

Hahnemann

Of all Lorenzo's

*'

it,

"

No

"

it

and knuckle

^but some

"

it ;

"

bred,

and

with

tail stuck

"

!" chuck'd in
when

that

school'd at Ditton
on

like a
horseponds
"

was

"

written !

"

kitten

LOVE

And

to
doubling

The

With

fist each

for
training

Nobody

ample hand,
with, a-la-Bitton,
fight,
long plann'd,

for love

"

*'

I'llpond

recommenced

his

FOWL

"

But

I'll teach him

while

His
"

Men

So

not
are

voice of thunder

fury and his fuss,

blunder,

to his

wedded

to write

in buss.

and

ponds

tails to

!"

us

truths,as thus :
fathers can't be mothers,

in with

wife broke

Females

menacing this-that-and-t'others,

so

are

In

"

great guns that end

of those

one

Land

WIND.

!"

Loud, open-mouth'd,and
Like

Man's

at No

"

I'lltail him

"

He

617

LUNACY.

air he boxed

empty

if in

As

AND

women

"

"

"

females

certain

and

"

such others.

few

saying,with rough nudges,willy-nilly,

outside the chamber-

She hustled him

Looking,it must
And

be

then she did

own'd,
as

door.

little silly;

the Carinthian

boor

(Goldsmith says) the traveller that's poor

Id est, she shut him in the outer space,
Serves

With
As

just as

Boreas

For

would

much

apology
"

^no

present in such

slamming the street door

of the

more

"

case,

rightin

your

face.

thus

kept,
important tete-a-tete
'Twixt dam
and daughter,
nobody except
Paul Pry, or his Twin
Brother,could narrate
So turn we
to Lorenzo, left of late,

And

now,

What

the secrets

passedin

sex

that

"

618

LOVE

snacks,
Snelling's
sugar'd

In front of Mrs.

In such
But

state
waspish stinging

very

Dragon, stretch'd on racks.

bitingdown his nails to tacks ;

and
Fretting,
Because

that

Instead

of

fast four-inside

new

minutes

few

some

from

thingwith all astronomers

And

it,

crime.

studied in that lore sublime

he had

shorter

less

did his heat

Nor

the Comet,

"

keepingits appointedtime,

deviated

"

at the Old

now

Had

LUNACY.

AND

or
get any
s
pouringupon passion unslaked lime
A well-grown glassof Cogniac and water,
Mix'd stiffas starch by the Old Dragon's
daughter.

For

"

At

"

Ellen

soundingwith a flourish,
The
bran new,
all bright,
and smart ;
Comet
came
the melody conspired
Meanwhile
to nourish
in Lorenzo's heart.
The hastyspirit
And
soon
upon the roof he "topped his part,"
Fair

length,

Which

had

never

impatientman

more

on.

devoutlythat the steeds would

start
Wishing
Like lightning
greased, or, as at Ballyshannon
shot out of a cannon
Sublimed, greasedlightning
"

"

For,

since the letter left his

ever

His

mind

had

Dodge-dodginglike
That

If

and

Love

Till,like
Before
He

"

its way,

left leads

rightor

Hatred

for

For

so

he

notion

no

German

the

land.

on

has

Ocean

"

enjoy'dmonopolies,
his own
potion.
following
could
spellAcropolis,
pig
by

Doctor

learned

Oh,

to

and

turns

himself for

and booked

went

hand.

motion.
vacillating

fluster'd crab

ask

cannot

in

been

the

"

rather four,

horse,"or
put

metropolis.

our

"

wish

into the

with

wings!"

plural
"

No relish he retained for country things.

He
could not joinfelicity
with rural.
His
Where
Or

architects
with
fast

How

Which

Blind
In

all with

thoughtswere
"

not

the horses'

they

London

paupers

"

Nature

muscles, called the crural.

could macadamize

he
picturesque,
one

the murals

stones
heap axidpile

the milestones

as gallor
pass'das tediously

to the

and

ne'er

bile stones.

perceived

ai'tistical
fine stroke ;

For

how
instance,

The

Or

the red

how

how

the

Threw

purple hill relieved

that

beggar-woman

And

in the

gipsy-poke.

carried off her cloak

cow

noble

of beech

mass

and

aged horse, so gaunt

off

519

LUNACY.

AND

LOYE

grey,
and oak !

Or, how the tinker'iBass, beside the way.

^to bray !
Came
boldlyout from a white cloud
"

Such

thingshave

That

Coachmen

and

every

Then
And

see

Would

care

worried

anxious

men,
smart

artists then

your

draughtsmenwith the Dart,

instance,
Etty,Jones,and Hart,
of

be put into its noose,

tip'em on the flank to make
neck

how

make
cared he

Nor

and

horses,are

Just try a team

Take Shee, for
Let

for
delight

no

fall of

travel

they
a

will draw

difference
about

more

"

Four

!
"

or

the

I'm

'em start,
let loose

screws

goose !

promisedcrops.

lookingup, or wheat was laid.

turnips,or a blightin hops,
how the barley prosper'd
or
decay'd;
short,no items of the farmingtrade.

If oats

were

fliesin

For

Or
In

LORD,

JOHN,

HKKh

could
Peas, beans, tares,'taters,
Nor

did he

answer

BURROW

his mind

to the servant

beguile
;

maid,

520

AND

LOVE

That
"

always

Where

Nor

do

asked

LUNACY.

other

at every

we

he listened to the

more

mile,

Sir ?" with

change,

her sweetest

smile.

Politician,

left,a formal prig,

Of Belgium's,
Greece's,Turkey's sad conditiouj
Not worth
a
cheese,an olive,or a fig;
fierce and big.
Nor
yet unto the critic,
all
Who, holdingforth, lonely,in his glory.
Who

lectured

Called

one

his

on

sad bad

Poet

and

"

first-rate proser
and
So criticsjudge,now, of a song or

And

one,

Nay,

when

"

the coachman

a
a

Whig,
Tory ;

story.

spoke about

the

'Leger,

Popsy, Mopsy, Bergamotte,and Civet,

breeder,trainer,owner, backer, hedger,
And
than a trivet.
or righter
nags as right,
Of

Of

The

theme

Though
For

leaningforward

seem'd

He

Ellen's

Would

his crack'd attention could not

not

to

givean

to the
ear,

man

rivet

of

"

giveit.
her slips)
Eclipse."

thoughte'er flitted in his head

Belongingto the sphereof Bland and Crocky,
all thorough-bred,
to wish the team
was
their
backs
And
buckle
a jockey:
on
every
When
down
a
or
descent,
steep
spinning
rocky.
and
watch'd the wheel,
never
long'dto lock it ;

If any

It

He

whips.

^but did not

"

(thatsaddest
new
by a

moon

be hidden

of

liked the bolters that set off

He
Nor

did it shake

Because

the Comet

THK

so

cocky

shock it,
or
singlenerve
the Rocket.
raced against

HKAU

WAITER

AT

HATCHETT

8.

622

LOVE

In letters such

'

Lord, they

My

I wonder

"

Five

Ellen

moons

say five

'"Jive
with

all at

lived in that

"

in heav'n !

once

prolific
reign!
seven,

joy and all his pain ;

shot throughevery vein.
A sudden tremor
He wish'd he'd come
up by the heavy waggon,
felt an impulse to turn back again,
And
Oh, that he ne'er had quittedthe Old Dragon
Then came
sort of longingfor a flagon.
a
tongue and palateseem'd

The

knocker

very
if it had

As

With

The

parch'dwith drouth,

so

"

fiU'd his soul with

dread.

teeth

so

and tongue so red,

terrible,

he had

engaged to put

his head.

Its

turn'd his courage into vapour,

bell-pull
a shower-bath
though 't would cause
him sighand
thousand shocks,to make

He

look'd askance, and

As

"

What
A

business have

of

to shed

caper

"

did not like the scraper.

I here ?

hopelesspassionthus

Instead

livinglion's mouth.

In which

"

of all his

Th' abode

His

John

(he thought)a
fan and foster.

to

its wick

puttingout

at

once

dunce

She's gone
it'svery evident I've lost her,
And
to the wanton
wind I should have toss'd her
"

"

Pish ! I will leave her with

To
Or

toast and
some

cram

Or make

"

Yes

And

her,"and

as

thus he

spoke.

with

as

wildlythrougha
abruptdivorce

course

tillhe made
ringing,

Whilst

To

such needless force.

the
sound
oak ;
of
split
pannel

then he went

Between

And

singleGloster,
it,as good green clieese,
honey-moon,if so she please.
eat

pliedthe knocker

It almost

Of

it,like

"

at ease.

fool with

here I leave

"

He

her moon,

the bell and

up

ran

its dumbfounded

Betty,out

of breath

thrust into,
his face her blown-out
the ^uthor of
recognise

handle
and

hoarse.
candle.

such scandal.

to boot,
Who, presto1 cloak,and carpet-bag

Went

stumbling,
rambling,up

the dark

one

well done

one

he arrived in front of number

Here

King

moons

and

"

run,

I recollect

yes,"
moons

content

was

have

should

She

'"oh

all full !

"

read,who

those may

as

JOHN

KING

'

"

LUNACY.

AND

pair,

LOVE

"With

AND

other noise than

Had

music

And

then

His hat upon

No
modest

his

no

more

up

Like

fond Medora,

Yet

not

sat

of any

The

watchingat
Corsair bark

of
juttinglodging-house

The

House

Cheapest
privatehouse

declare,
bow.

to

marble

bear,

how.

matter

Ellen, with

there

than

manners

tap his presence

without
bolted in a room,

He

very foot
the stair :
"

came

head, no

And

"

his whose

in't as he
with

"tt

LUNACY.

brow

her

window,

in search"

Mrs.

Lindo,
"

in Town

of Todd

and

SturcJi,
Birch,
closed nightlyat eleven,
The public-house,
And
then that house of prayer, the parishchurch.
Some
roofs,and chimneys, and a glimpseof heaven,
"

The

up the whole

Made

Yet

Doctor

of Number

look-out

Seven.

somethingin

She

As

of Reverend

the prospect so absorbed her,

quitedrowned and dozingin a dream

seemed

if her

belov'd

own

"

MEET

ME

full

BY

Lullingher fancy in
With

still orb'd

moon

MOONLIGHT

some

lost Lorenzo, may

lunar

her,

ALONE.''

scheme.

be, for its theme

"

524

LOVE

Yet

when

She
As

if

Had

"

within

come

Lorenzo

!"""

They

tried to
were

Such

like

And

"

Sir !" and

"

came

at each

great Mac
else

leaf each

aspen

They

some

Alas

come

Loren

"

word,

quiteabsurd,
due

joiner's
glue.

common

"

"

hap

hap

"

Lorenzo

"

happy

"

cru

"

cru^

"

cruel !

"

"

dwell

must

man

"

"

they splittheir words like gritsfor gruel.

At last the Lover, as he long had plann'd.
Drew
out that once
inestimable jewel,
Her portrait,
which was
erst so fondly scann
d.
And

"

so

thrust poor Ellen

There
The

take

"

face of

Bestow

it on

Your
And

They

"

And

them

South

"

vow's

"

or

"

"

you

by tears, when
cannot

by

To

Covent

"

And

here's the

Should

once

leave to steal

it from

"

leave

nor

my

zeal !
and

Garden

"

torn

O'Neill

only harden

your

"

white

do not feel

mistaken

birth-dayring

have

and

Miss
"

Juliet's faith,that time could

Bartley's
Orrery,not

"

resignthem quite!

gloveyou gave
so
handkerchief,
pure
"

better

me

did not

had

you

"

benefactions

rare

"

Fool that I was, in my

I should have led
you,

"

! each letter !

infractions.

Children

take them

pray

sanctified
no

"

Transactions
Philosophical

there's the

But

fetter

"

there's the

Once

forgether,

now

into your
epistles there

will be novelties

Take

to

I crave.

haplessslave

are

them

shine in

And

whatever

your
record of your

no

Send

^take it back

"

^but I must

"

has last enticed

there

I wish

To

art

face into her hand.

it,Madam
one

!'

was

without

"

more

Madam

throughand through,

made
jellies

share of

"

heard,
stirr'd,

was

nerve

thrill'd them

like

Adam

fare" farewell
^to bid you
thus began to fight
their verbal duel ;

Since

For

then

efibrts to be stiffwere

proper

"

to fold her.

arms

Englishnever

an

Ellen ! I'm

"

bony

flint for

shook

They

his

speak,but hammer'd

chillytremor
Their

shoulder,

the

on

abortive scream,

an

Ellen !""

broken

For

touch'd her
with

up

LUNACY.

midnightghost,from regionscolder,

some

As if it

Lorenzo

started

AND

man

pardon

"

nor

d^vil

hand,
living

AND

LOVE

Perchance

'twill look

that

And

And

and not

fair

as

"

he ceased

there

Neville

band

"

eternal sickle
land
foreign
to stickle

false and

so

fickle !

trulyit was

as

I stand

now

lives ; in this,
or
for
be found
truth

Shall reap our

Some other may
Almost

and

dissever'd tie and

farewell,tillTime's

so

Mr.

on

"

of each

Absolved
And

well

as

and that is all

"

525

LUNACY.

"

time,

that left his mouth,

her intellectual climb :
half surpass'd

One

themes

of the various

For

She knew
About
Who

"

Children

North, was

Except

of

largergrowth,"

of the F. R.
proceedings

notes

Kit

than the old Hill of Howth

more

no

that

justas

S. *s ;
strangeto her as

the south the weathercock

Orrery defied
Nay, Hartley's

**

Howbeit

RAN

some

IT

thro'

e'en

expresses.

her guesses.

FROM

notion of his

South,

BOYISH

MY

DAYS.'

jealousdrift

from the simple outward

fact.
gather'd
That her own
gift;
lap contained each slighted
his
act
of
to
unconscious
cause
Though quite
She

So like
**

Alas !"
These

Your
And

Othello,with
she sobbed,

his face unblack'd

*'

faded charms

and
fancy palls,

lay your

own

your
no

you

cruel

course

attract

longer

can

wander

would

apostacy on

me

see

free,

526

AND

LOVE

"

LUNACY.

and

/, false! unjust Lorenzo !

Oh, all ye holy gospelsthat
"

The

"

soul to truth, bear

lives,of

all that

By

to you

incline

witness

divine

earthlyor

true

am

"

long this poor throbbingheart is mine

the world shall change its course
/ false !
as
So

as

"

soon

"

True
True
True

And

the streamlet

as

as

the dial to the

as

the tide to

as

that shine

stars

"

at noon,

sun

'

yonder blessed

moon

"

spoke,she pointedthrough the window,

she

above

Somewhere

the houses' distant tops.

chimney-potsof

the

Betwixt

'

to the

Mrs.

Lindo,
and
Todd
And
cheapest of all S'hops
For ribbons, laces,
muslins,silks,and fops :
Meanwhile, as she upraised her face so Grecian,
Sturch's

"

And

eyes suffused

Lorenzo
To

"

see

the

Seem'd

His

At

"

he

all at

fix'd his

And

scintillating
drops,

troubled

sphere so

Moon

The

with

looked, too, o'er the blinds Venetian,

cried,and

mouth,

is your

Ellen

The

Moon

Brute

! savage

The

Moon

"

(0,

that's the

ye

new

"

rock

I am,

Romantics, what
Illuminated

ST.

"

sightindeed
that

BLAISE.

"

shrilly
sort.

sea-gull's
wheelinground
"

distort.

gaping chasm

all amort

of most

Why

and

and

faculties benumVd

electric spasm

an

dumb

Speak

"

repletion.

his features to

once

last his voice came,

Just like

with

Clock

"

so

and
shock
!

"

short !
block

!)

527

"i'd

many
Yorkshire

And

parody."

be

Evening Bells,those Evening Bells,

Those

Of

BELLS.

EVENING

THOSE

How

BELLS.

EVENING

THO:"E

tale their music

and

cakes

only just in

letters

tells,
crumpets prime,
time

!
"

The

Muffin-boy has pass'd away,

The

Postman

For

down

And

does

And

so

and I must
pay,
gone
Deaf
below
Mary dwells,
"

not

't will

That

tuneful

And

other

Forget

to

hear

those

Evening

Bells

she is gone.
peal will still ring on.
be when

maids

stay

timely yells
Evening Bells

with

those

528

LINES
A

TO

'Tis

With

to hob

And

and

death

kill.

meat,

cock, you'llhave
will oft unthrob

stock.

'em,
"

"

orchard

Cobham

at

me

of

trees

course

will sometimes

boys
(you know)

friend

Remember

at

me

You'll sometimes
And

pass

country chick is good to pick

Some

at Cobham

me

Remember

And

at such

at Cobham

me

friunds,

'em

pigsyou will,and sometimes

if you sighand sob 'em.
eat your
cannot
home-grown

Of hen

absent

nob
"

Remember

And

COBHAM.

we've

and

Memory's glass

Remember

But

AT

pleasant,when

Sometimes

Have

FRIEND

friends of

Should
Remember

you

be
me

you'lllease,
rob 'em,

before

Cobham

have

course

foe

"

wax-lightedrooms,
to mob

short of such
at Cobham

)ULL-PRAC

TICK.

'em.
a

sort,

530

QUAKERS'

THE

associations; it was
members
and

twice

to meet

in rotation,when

CONVERSAZIONE.

the
weekly, visiting

original
essays

or

houses
be

to

were

papers

of the

read,

discussed ; provided always, that they afforded any

Land to make a stand upon, seeingthat at the end of the

afterwards

Debateable

article earnestly
a
special
recommended,
regulations,

rules and

the selection of

that in

subjectsall such topicsshould be avoided

as
might
brethren/'
the
opinionamongst
the Tottenham
for it is defunct
Friends' Conversazione;
"

lead to differences of
Such

was

of whose

"

"

existence I became

but

aware

to live next
fortune,tilllately,

make

acquaintancewith

the

eldest

justwearing out

the

brown

parents she

of her

eyes

of their

flock,beinga

to be
especially

was

who

seemed

starched

sort

teens.

and

in

considered
strictly

muslin,
ribbon,that

white

she

wore

her younger sisters,

up, under the most

neck in all the

of

structure

might have put

woman

"

casts of

mere

"

In lieu of their sleek mohair

morning.
flowed down her
ringlets

the flower

as

caps,
fanciful
airy

an

Parisian

good

my

as
nonconformists,

among

comparing her with

"

was

afraid in the austere

am

been

at least of a

To

of nonconformist

in

It

familyof

Quakers, and to
a
livelymaiden
daughter,
young

not

was

accident.

by

to

brought up, or stuck

Instead of their plainclose
discipline.

their skulls taken

blonde

last of her

seen

to have

door

on

"

braids,her auburn

Unloveliness

of Love-locks."

her star-like hazel eyes she allowed a little planetaryliberty

of
it seemed the objectof the others,
to keep their

circulation ; whereas
demure
brown
orbs
nailed

in their faces,as

immoveable

as

Instead

of

bad

her

halfpence
if she had

as
lips,
screwingup
of Cartwright's
into an east wind,
she sometimes
cent
innoby smilingat some
gave her ivory teeth an airing,
to
which
she
would
without
to
fancy,
giveutterance,
trying send
her clear sweet
North- West
voice,by a New
Passage,through her
her
for
of those shapes which have no
As
it was
nose.
none
figure,
be
swaddled
and
without
detriment in dingy drabs,
shape,
may
up

to

justcome,

counters.

minus

out
masticator,

aud snuffybrowns,
slates,
olives,
shapeswhich nature makes on her
of
instead
days,
basin-pudding
using her best jelly-mouldsshapes
like the bonnet-shapeswhich balance baskets of live mackerel.
To
the symmetricalRachel
either of her sisters,
see
standingnear
you
"

"

would

beheld (borrowinga local image) Tottenham

think you
High
Obelisk.
Cross, beside the Waithman
Accordingly,the orthodox
of her

warp

those

gayer

glossysatin was always

prismatictints,to wear

Foxites,

severer

"

silken hose

seen

of

woof

of

one

some

sometimes
"

which

littleblue into her fine

superfancied that I detected a tinge of

she put
hereafter,
I

even

in

fleshypink
short,she was
sad-brown
sort
brunette.
a
only
With
the old Friends,her parents,I
more

the
is reckoned, among
profanationof the Rainbow, deservinga second

deluge." As will be
the

shot with

Quakeress,but

not

of the

"

on

had

the

cannot

boast

that

was

even

and lively
Rachel my acquaintance
; but with the lovely
her by her Christian name
ripenedeven to the calling
; and

speakingterms

of her
reciprocation

thou

and

thee,to

which

was

led,not

as

THE

QUAKERS

but
convertite,

from

that the

the second

of

use

intimacyand
In

this

was
singular

person

Grammars,

and German

French

token
especial

an

of

our

course,
interof

system

in my
learning,

tion.
affec-

neighbourly
mutual

531

CONVERSAZIONE.

tion
accommoda-

sprang

by

not

us,

but
bills,

tween
be-

up

books

by

for which

she drew

upon

by pretty

me

littlenotes

of

hand,
ulyhonoured,

th at I d

them

making

able
pay-

the

over

gardenwall.
and

back

ings
Draw-

pieces of

music

new

were

equally negotiable.
If I

rememberright-

ly,it
for

in return

was

Moore's

dies
MeloDISCOVERY

"

me
against

that I received

"

for

tome

lover of

"

Fox's

not

have

opened its leaves, if indeed

fallen

on

Sunday

wet

very

certain

proceed to

make

Literature

"

MSS.

they would

With

EsTABLiHSED

unbendings. Now
eleventh

month,

Mumford,
most
our

In

one

deserve

vicw

first

if St. Swithin's

derous
pon-

Festival

country, I might never

of

themselves, thus
custody,and which I now
"

Curiosities of

"

distinguished
place.

FRIENDS'

SAZIONE;
CONVER-

sobcr. Intellectual,and

to

held, namely,

thousand

rather

was

edition of the

new

TOTTENHAM

THE

It

not open

intrusted to their

public.

OF

MINUTES

and

in the

they did

"

lettingfall

REMAINS.

Martyrs."

lightreading;

had

and

ORGANIC

exchange
time being

the

at

OF

the

the

on

fourteenth

thirtyand

eighthundred

Literary
day

four.

of the

Brother

present humble Pen, in the chair.

forth,both in regardof numbers
powerfuland worthy setting
the Father

of the

proceedings.Firstly,a

Secondly, a
thereon

draft of the
until the

word

between
Many congratulations

hour, when
the
M

season

Thirdly,an

rules.

tenth

in

our

brethren
2

on

from

Friend

Oliver.

tation
mediopening poem;
was
completed.
sitting
and
the order,quiet,

532

THE

CONVERSAZIONE.

QUAKERS

myself,as itshumble founder,very joyouslyelevated

even
sheddingof tears.
this night,arisingout of the
on
17. Some awkwardness
tation
presennine
several Negroes'Complaintsto be read forth.
of
dence
PreceSkeldrum's
Sister
in
u
nto
of
her
complaint, respect
yielded
being
After which. Sister Panyer s
ancient,namely, three-score and ten.
nearhand
until our hour of dissolution.
us
gone through,detaining

decency thereof
"

so
was

Friend

in the chair.

Black

21.

the

unto

Negro Complaints resumed, whereof

Sister Fagg kindlytakingturn about

The

gottenover,

Friend

thereof.
24.

end,

me

in the chair.

Thorne

much

senting,
con-

sion,
persua-

the Sorrows

reserve

Sambo

save

Rumble

Sister
on

of

were

in the deliverance

meeting.
Complaints

Negro
brought to an

to

more

spare

The

one;

three
with

tion
Aboli-

the

for

Anniversary. Friend
WooUey in the chair.
28.

Friend

read forth

Greathead

original
paper

an

the Manners

on

Much

Beavers.

thereon.

of the

meditation

Friend

Stillfox

in the chair.
Friend

1-12.

in the chair.
read

ing

forth her
in

but
Silence,

on

Essay
ble
hum-

so

of
tone, that littlethereinward

taken

was

debate

No

ears.

Dorcas

to know

speak on

at

our

the

and
subject,

Sleep. To

was
objection

this

which

no

on

up

Universal

WOE.'

were

permitted
upon
Where-

of
addressing
self-composed
made

by

any

herself

present. Friend

courage, and
Love ; but my

essayedto read forth

in
voice failing
me

was

"

Descend

this my
on
ye Dews
Flies that suck the Dews."
12.

OF

completelyfinished for me by Friend Thicknesse,

instead of Dews,
Jews
perverselycontinue to pronounce
which
in
the
line
came
singeth,
all,
absurdity. Above

midst, it
did

night I plucked

Stanzas

own

whereof
"

MOCKEllY

in the chair.

8. On

who

was

forth

mine

THE

ABOUT

to in the affirmative.
replied

she held her peace.

Knight read

Knapp

the

BEAR

5. Sister
unto

*'

thereon.

visiter,
whether
Friends,not being members,

Fysche,

craved
to

Seagrave

Sister Meek-

No

other

member

Head."

And

again,

being prepared with

"

"

Ye

painted

Sister
originality,

Rumble

forth her

read

thereon.

Sorrows

15. No
call made

untimeliness

silent comment

suflferedhimself
shamefully

debate ; only meditation.

A
who
in
the
for
was
chair,
Dilly,
no

Friend
.against
askingthe priceof Anglo-Mexicansat

order

to

Much

chair,who

Kersey
surprisedwith sleep.
and, by course,
lecturing,

to be

Sambo.

of

in the

Brother

533

CONVERSAZIONE.

QUAKERS

THE

in

quarter before

ten.

being a visiter in expectancy, every

Newgate. Several of the brethren

19. Sister Fetterlock

themselves

unto

Friend

their convictions.

lecturing. Sister

No

22.

amongst

risk and

own

26.

No

House

Welcome,

before

spread

Rumble

lecturing.It pleasedour

of

most

with a great
abundantly,
of the foreign
outpouring

luxury,which

declared

distributed

worthy

Sambo's

caused to be

Sorrows

imprinted

the chair.
Brother

Upham,

at his

givehira

time to

to

the

us

comforts

creature

fined
con-

in the chair.

each ; the which she had

Friend Boulter was
cost.

unto

one

us,

at her

Roper

one

i^^lll

is called

Champagne ; the which

was
greatlydiscussed;
and
Brother
Upham
thereafter

rebuked

for

the same,
for that it was
of the kind which
not
is still.

29. Friend
forth

narrative

Life

own

Some
the

us

the

for half

which

an

hour.

debate

touching
imprintingof the

same,

the cost of the

at

in
Society,
a

of his

Personal

and

Adventures,
held

read

Stock

shape of

the

which

Tract;

agreed to,

but

HOPE

was

put

oflp

at the instance of Friend

live into the

DEFBIUULD.

shape of

Stock

himself,in order
Friend

pamphlet.

to

Smallbones

went

through

the chair.
2-1-35.

No

assembly,by

Moral
humble
5.

Gipsy."
self and

Friend

The

family,and

tending

to

defence

our

read

Jocularity
; the which,

in

of

of the
new

outrageouswind

originalpoem,

she did read

which

Broadbent

reason

with

exceptingSister Rumble,

forth from

Simon
serving-man,

forth, in part, an

and

called

hail,
"The

the chair to my

Dunny.
Essay on

Innocent

as
sundrypassages, provoked dissentients,
stiff
A
debate
in
which
thereon,
levity.

534

THE

all the brethren

Sexton

by

in

his

9. The

with

There

no

own

cient
suffi-

not

were

Sister

sitting,

Rumble's,by

of rotation.

member

offensive.

chair.

16. At
course

and

silence.

friends to make
and

again

on

way,

of
nothingsavouring
12.

gravity,

of Innocent

decidedlygrave

Followed

at Friend

instead of
gravy,"

tongue.

remains

Jocularitybrought
in

merriment

Great

to censure.
agreeable
rebuking,saying,"Christian
were

slipof the

CONVERSAZIONE,

QUAKERS

No

present, save
self,as by duty

otlitr
mine
bound.

deplorable fallingaway

from

the

Whereof

cause.

more

liereafter,
"

can't

IT

Tlie Record

died

but
farther,
and
ford

Sister

them

society
probablydid not proceed
of Innocent Joculai-ity
complication

The

the

spot,of

and

was

on

Rumble,

off.

buried

for its chief

readingof

with
tacitly,

the fair Ruth

"

"

in

SONNET.
BY

How

sweet

With
No

Verdure

M.

clad,in Autumn's
Eye, the russet Scene

decks the Forest,save

The

sad

The

Skies,no longerof

mellow

Tone,

to view

alone

green Holly, and the olive Yew.

to Dove-like

Reflected show
In the drab

Meanwhile
In Garb

R.

thus

serious

Subdued

Mum-

in verse, and
other papers
are
mourner.
will certainly
persuade the reviewers that they were

The

of
Quaker Poetry
applyingthe designation
lays and lyrics.The firstis a genuinebrown study after
second a hint bow Peace ought not to be proclaimed.

premature
the

here breaks

HF.LPED

be

their

Waters
yon

garishBlue,

Tints,and

slatyShades
of the

And

Bonnet

And

chasten'd

Yea,

all is

Save

gaudy Robin

puce,

as

Wool,

anew

clayey Pool.

CottageMaiden

of Chocolate

soft

wends

to

School,

neatlydrest,
fit objectfor the Tool,
"

so

Pigments,of

our

Brother

West

sober,calm, and cool,

silent,
with his crimson

Breast.

gone
to forenature

QUAKERS*

THE

6S5

CONVERSAZIONE.

LINES
ON

THE

CELEBRATION
BY

OP

DORCAS

PEACE.

DOVE.

is it thus ye welcome
Peace !
of forty-pounding
Mouths
From
Bores ?

And

Oh

explodingCannons, cease
shun our
aftrighted,

cease,

Lest Peace,

Not

the

so

But

like

With

Nurse

Shoes

And

She asks for

to stillour

Cotton

or

in her Ears

triumphalArch

no

Steeplesfor their ropy Tongues ;

Drumsticks,down, She needs no

No

Down,

Or blasted

She wants

no

Trumps
Noise

this Parade

War

of scarlet

like

come

need there is of

Eye

Loves,

Olive Branches

With

Lungs.

Coats,

has ceased with

Captains should

March,

mobbing Throats
is drawingnigh:

Domestic

Returningto
When

brazen

has closed his bloodshot

War

When

from

of

To tell that She

No

come

Fears,
List,demurely dumb,

of

Wool

Why

should

quietQueen

shores !

all its Ills,

suckingDoves,

in their Bills.

vulgarShout,

Bells,Cannons, Trumpets, Fife,and Dnim,

Soldiers

And
To

Oh

let Us

marching all about,

know

mild should
Sweet

Peace's

that Peace

Lo

Echo

come.

Signsand meek,
!
Advent
to proclaim

be the

Silence her noiseless Foot

And

is

should

should repeat the

speak.

same.

the Soldier walks, alas !

Grounds
Scars received on foreign

! where

With
Shall
The

we

consume

in coloured

Oil that should be

Glass

pour'din

Wounds

536

SKETCHES

ROAD.

THE

ON

bleedingGaps of War to close,

avail ?
Will whizzingRocket-Flight
?
Will Squibsenliven Orphans' Woes

The

cheer

Crackers

Or

GENERAL

SKETCHES

conceive any

CANNOT

than

the

approach

Tale ?

PEACE*

ON

THE

Widow's

the

THE

MORNING

ROAD.

CALL.

prospect more

to
agreeable

weary
valley reminds

traveller

him
of
Bedfordshire.Each
like
clouds
seem
blankets, the lakes and
fleecy
clean
the
sheets
looks
like a warming-pan.
are
s
un
ponds
;
setting
He
of dreams
dreams
to come.
His travelling-cap
transforms
to a
the
the
coach
feels
softlier
horn
night-cap,
lining
squabbed ;
guard's
Each
plays Lullaby." Every flower by the road-side is a poppy.
of
jolt the coach is but a drowsy stumble up stairs. The lady opposite
is the chamber-maid
He
slides
; the gentlemanbeside her is Boots.
and
into imaginaryslippers
winks
nods flirtingly
at Sleep, so
; he
be
the
wheels
be
his
to
into vigilant
soon
own^
Although
rattling
may
to

Sleepy Hollow, the

'^

Wakefield, it appears
whole

County

of

to him

to be

Down, spread

"

sleepyWare,
all before him

with
where

its

greatBed,

to

choose

his

placeof rest.''
It

was

in

journey,that

similar

I entered

mood,

after

the

long dusty droughtydog-day's

Bedhampton. I nodded in at

Dolphin, at
blinked
at the
door,winked at the lights,
rooni, yawned for a glassof negus, swallowed
the

as

though

it had

been

"

pint of

company
it with

in the cofteemy

nappy," surrendered

eyes
my

shut,

boots,

538

SKETCHES

coat!
Now
and
it

giveme
on

"

cravat

my

If I

what.

stood
side,certainly

signof a
surveyingthe
any

smoke

from

came

and

window,

door.

from

the

chimney;

the door

was

"

Yes, you

coach

The

vengeance.

well

may

have all gone to bed

"
No, there be no

had

look
must

again!

stoppedof

his

accord.

own

Boots

stood beside me,

top to the bottom ; not
the curtains were
closed
shuttered.

at the

I could

have

them

without

wreath
over

every

visageof
black-lead

out.

oversleptyourselfwith
hour

passed an

of

tain
hardly con-

kept rubbinghis
rubbed

opposite

aghast,and

infernal somnolent

he

"

have

you
have

"

"

the
on
square ; and
the sign of the Dragon, but

awake
the fellow,hardly yet broad
if
would
he
his
with
as
hands,
eyes

-I'll

"

small

I looked

keep

"

further

"

closed and

when
indignation

my

inn with

at the

house

"

"

Boots

into

an

coach

foot

"

comer

to

"

"

while

"

Confound
that stone
you !
I suppose
for a run
!
you
week
do
?
a
gentlemen may you

hanged
nice road

run

"

beingcalled.

without

late

too

"

many

for wind

turned

had

We

How

ROAD.

THE

myself

be
A

coat.

my

paused

and

"

purpose.

tell you

wake

I could

Why

"

ON

ago

"

and

they

"

coach, sure

Boots, slowly
enough," soliloquised
he had been
the road, where
for the
his eyes from
searching
raising
them
and
with
of
recent
track
a
wheels,
fixing
deprecating
expression
face.

on

my
honour

No, there's

"

^but you

"

see,

on
her, and expecting

life,
your
case

as

is

honour

"

coach

thousand

pardons,your
sir,what with waiting on her,and talkingoil
her,and givingnotice on her, every nightof my
no

I sometimes

why

"

ax

dreams

on

"

now

*'

you've

waked

slumbkr

must

me

too

soon,

again."

her

"

and

that's the

539

THE

HEAVY

To

Why

was

for
spitted

Not

But

dance

must

For

to

Of what

well

as

men,

middlings?

avail that I could

spell

read, justlike my betters.

If I must
to this at last.
come
not
litters,

to

letters?

drew cash,
once
learning
fame's
unstaVle,
public
must
turn
a pig again.

Alas ! my
So

I
And

fiddling?,

And

To

"

classics up.

and
barley-meal

PIG.

dangerousthing." Pope.

why

"

fortune's

give the

woe

TOBY,

But

roaster

In this world, pigs,as

Must

of

farrovv'd

ever

OF

LEARNED

little learning
is

day ! oh day
miserya poster.

BIHD.

LAMENT

THE

"*

STUFFED

To

fatten for the tabic

leave my

My

eyes

line
literary
and
red
leaky;
get

Giblett doesn't want

But red and white, and

But

Old

Mullins used

But

Giblett

And

not

bluet

streaky.

cultivate

to

My learninglike

me

gard'ner;
only thinks of lard,

of Doctor

Lardner

about my braia
He does not care
are
pigsmade scholars of ?
The value of two
It baffles my discerning.
coppers.
thinks about my head
he
that
All
and
What
chitterlings,
griskins,
fry,
Is, how I'm off for choppers.
Can have to do with learning.

O, why

540

Of

LAMENT

THE

all my
literarykin
be taken,
A farewell must

Good

bye

Farewell

after

My

day

1 have,

and

sty

"

not

and

not

study

Will

desk,

why

did

I at

up

the

Rout
and

little month,

then

ends, like

progress

The

Will

chopp'd

be

pig

I loved

that

sages

seven

Buuyan's

with

up

and

head

over

For

They'll souse
My

turn'd

logic into

My

like

me,

mathematics

in brine

ears

to

salmon,

knowledge

of

roots

that's been

college !

to

In

is

conscience

thing

be

rash

I'm

Greek,

My

The

thing

One

retrograde.

And

put up to fatten ;
it will all go to grease
will have

Dogs

To

to

Oxford

Milman,

!"

Crowe,

Latin

my

r"IS

and
and

I ask"

when

to

past the Stygian

schoolmaster
that is,let my
flitches
of
two
Have
one
my

"

'Twas

Bliss !

Glossop,

LEARNED

dead,

am

ditches

he

I ne'er

Farewell

in roan,

rasher

And

Now

myself.

dasher

be

that would
would

me

stick

I could

sorrow

brawn.

gammon.

will all

Hebrew

My

will kill

onions

But

Then

Brazen-Nose

that can't read

butcher

My

to

!
O

Another

farewell

!"
"

Instead

gets muddy

intellect

trough

chats.
!

the latter,
quite outgrown
head
of Trencher-cap my
be in a platter!
soon

I've

fade.

lessons

my

gossip

"Town!"

to

Gown

"

Day

with

content

of learned

philosophicBacon

The

be

must

now

Instead

poetic Hogg

the

to

TOBY.

OF

PIG

"

GKOWN

who

taught

mistook

or

Simply by ringing at
According to Belts

OUT

OF

KMOWLEDCK.

my

letters

miss'd
the

'em,

nose.

system.

so

541

AT

OUT

TO

BAD

RIDER.

Mr.

Why,

Rider, why
nag so ill indorse,man

Your

To

ELBOWS.

make

You

observers
re

mounted,

cry,
but

no

horseman

II.

With

elbows

This

out

far.

so

can't debar

thoughtyou

Though

no

You're

Hussar
Dragoon
the
surelyof
army

"

"

III.

hope

to turn
have

You

So awkward
At

"

M. P.
not

you

any

notion.

would

secondinga

be

motion

^^

I"

me

"

542

SON

SON

MY

My

bids

mother

But

not

the

bind

me

trade

bind my heir,
I should
where

HEIR.

Seedsman

Grocer's

A
"

"

It

HAIR.

AND

placea boy the how and where

is the plagueof parent-kind
!

To

AND

does not hint the slightest

plan,
Nor
what indentures to endorse ;
Whether
to bind him to a man,"
-

Or, like Mazeppa, to

"

have

I'd not

him

"

"

of all trades there be.

many

Like
A

so

"

Too

II.

She

plum might disap|"oint

;
Butcher ?
no, not that
although
hear
the times are out of joint!"

Pedlars,each has such

merchant
sellingcoals ?
"

The

buyer send

to

pack ;

see

we

cellar back.

horse.
VII.

What
To
"

line

to

choose

somethingin
Fast

of

Hardware

likelyrise.

the Stocks

at

last,
"

bind, fast find," the proverb

Statesman

Is

light

if his trade's foundation

On

spikes and

nails,he

leans

won't

have

ease

bind

so

fast!

can

never

When

James

he retires upon

his

means.

VIII.

be

there I only learn

Tailor?
His chief concern
is cloth, and he

that

But

IV.

"

please,

cries,
I find I cannot

dealer ?

"

alwayscuttinghis

concern.

Soldier ?

"

there he has not

nerves

Sailor seldom
laysup pelf:
A
Baker ?
no, a baker serves
His customer
before himself.
"

MY

SON

AND

5^

HEIR.

IX.

Dresser

of hair ?

joinerjars with his desire

Churchman

And

?
to

cannot

church

Paper-maker ?

short.

rags
Miller

To

aspire.

before

he sells

sheet

"

all his toil is just

meal
he does not eat

"

make

he must

come

"

To

"

is very

James

"

the sort

that's not

"

"

XIV.

Lawyer

Publisher

If he could

Just

that's

"

might
into

plunge at

hardish

give him

Longmans
"

once

term

ease,

in medias

"

Chandler

Rees.*

That

by

favour goes

"

gives megreat misgiving

"

Undertaker

An

firm,

that

Currier ?

do not

of those

one

"

hope to

I
get their living

XV.
XI.

Golden

Three
A

Such
Their

"

Coppersmith

Nor
A

running houses up,

gainsare stories
may

not

petty Usher
Publican

Would

I can't endure

lies !

"

A, B, C-ing ;

father sure.
be the author of his
no

being !

never

did-

slavish lot.
Obliged to do as he is bid !
The

be

I like them

Auctioneer

An

Builder

for pot, and pan, and cup,

brittle Stock I can't advise ;

shop

Balls ?"

of

victim

Broker

Of

Stock

Printer

Another's

watching fall and rise

?

I'd rather deal in stone,"

"

"

there

work

his toils comprise

beside his

own.

ii!::!iiii^i"^iii.;i.iiijMi;."(ii
IllliilliiiiiiilliiilJ
t^
TU"

FAMILY

LIBRAHY.

544

AND

SON

MY

HEIR.

XIX,

XVII.

any
Fish

retailer

or

turn

Crispin

but

with

him.

Grazier

flat.

Although

nor

of

part

trade

is

what

if he

shall

not

"

"

One

that,

"

taste

Glazier

Jctn

for

neither

Cooper?

Have

always

"

he

be

may

he

drives

should
be

smash

made
"

losing

cash,
trade.

roaring

"a

XVIII.

Painter?

long

"

An
In
liut

Artist's

trade
very

would

he

precarious

Apothecaries
seldom

Well,

live,-

not

craft

James

But
From
What
Oh

what

to

do

to

could

dew
take

make

RON

till

my

AND

boy

SHADR.

boy
"

ache

to
a

the

morning's

my

done

to

around
"

upon

temples

my

"

evening's
course

works

big

too

leave

To

draught

is

be

must

little

my

"

give,

take,

something

all

On

pearl.
make

girl

"

boy,
shelf

like

book,

unbound.

look

546

these
water

nothing

nothing

with

so

alas ! all

only sky

"

and

"

"

merely stared,but
ill at the German
tongue and

nay,

But

eye.

nothing drank nothing smoked

nothing shot nothing spiednothing
repliednothingto my friendly
inquiry
ate

wrote

"

correctly
say

may

He

he

(I am

"

"
Wie
its pronunciation)

befinden

sick?"

sea

Now,
of

one

ground.

drew

"

"

the

to

"

if

fell

intentions

reach of the naked

beyond the

shores of Albion,

"

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

own
my
unfortunate

our

been

do not

done

at

sea, but

describes,I

Rambler

ill wind

preciselyakin to that
promised much,
him, too, I have been a

him

I have

little. Like
shore

on

delayed,with

left

down

blown

and

been

Like

undone, or
perform,I must profferthe

the

As

German.

Cousin

projectedstill more,
sick man, though not
has

gentlereader,has

case,

and

"

other

in

Performers,when

old theatrical

have

erected

; I have

they

plea of indisposition.
which

schemes

plans,and

formed

of all that

excuse

have

been

been

by
For
beaten, like another Murphy, by a change in the weather.
Annual
for
have
the Comic
been
1839
instance,
ought properlyto
but
earlier
it
was
a
s
published some
forty days
obliged,
;
were, to
of a clean Bill of Health.
for want
Thus, too, the
perform quarantine,
the
trouble
the
has
Work
who
taken
to peruse
patron of
present
an

chaptersunder

weather-

the title of

less
LiteraryReminiscences, will doubthave compared the tone of them with an Apology in Number
Six,
at
an
a promise was
wherein,declining
Auto-biography,
any attempt
anecdotes
and
bad
made
of givingsuch
bad memory
a
as a
hearing
friends aud acquaintance.
Hitherto,
might have retained of my literary
however, the fragmentsin questionhave only presented desultory
instead of any
glimpsesof a goose quillstillin its green-gosling-hood,
certain

"celebrated

recollections of
forced

pens."

wherefore

The

is that

truth

the kind

my

reader will be

malady
pleasedto

temporise:
false starts,"
and that
chaptersbut as so many
make
Memory has only now
play as well as she can.
got away, to
thus closeted in the Confessional,
Whilst I am
it may
be as well,as
clean breast of it,and at once
the Pelican said,to make
a
plead guilty
to

me

"

consider the aforesaid

all those

to

Old
of

Baily counts
these crimes

did

not

and

"

that

"

relate

haunt

my
letters that

to

refer

of their heinousness

little volume

by

how-it

W.

from

some

Others

answer.

example
a

counts

"

and

it
M.

to

have
long-standing
The

conscience.
would
the

not, could

receiptof

misgives

me

that I

Howitt, without

become

most

not,

books,
was
ever

very

numerous

at least

or

and

an

as

with

favoured

tellingthem

it was
concern
pleasedme.
offences,
to fulfil,
impossible
althoughdoubly bound by principleand interest.
I
have
Seriously
perforcebeen guiltyof many, many, and still many
sins of omission:
but Hope, revivingwith
strength,promises,
my
A

grantingme

to redeem
life,

extenuation,I

can

engagements which

few

all such

only plead

pledges.

that
particularly

In

the

time, in

mean

deprecationwhich

offered up, in behalf of all Christian defaulters every Sunday,

have left undone
those thingswhich
we
ought to have done,
"

"

there is

no

Health

in m."

"

is

We
And

LITERARY

It is pleasantafter

try back, and

mateli

reconsider

decisive influence

if we
Chess,particularly
which
important moves

at

those

the

on

54^

REMINISCENCES.

result.

It is still more

have

to

won,

have

had

in the
interesting,
have occurred during

to recal the criticalpositions

which
game of Life,
its progress, and review the false or judicious
stepsthat have led to our
ill
fortune.
There is,however,this difference,
subsequentgood or
that

chess is
board

of pure skill and calculation,

whereas, the chequered
life is subjectto the capriceof Chance
the event

matter

of human

"

beingsometimes
the mind

determined

of the

player*.

that the hand

combinations

by
To

such

an

which

entered into

never

accident it is

able
perhaps attribut-

tracingthese reminiscences is holdinga pen

of an
these prose pleasuresof
down
etching-point
; jotting
in lieu of furnishing
articles plated-on-steel,"
for the pictorial

instead

now

"

memory,

periodicals.
It will be remembered

physicalone,

mental

my

however
constitution,

weak

proof againstthat type-us fever which parches

scribblers till they are
set up, done up, and may-be, cut-up,in

my
most

printand

boards.

Perhaps I

bread,had

choked

themselves,

learned

to think

and

had

choly
at the melanread, and trembled
of those unfortunates
who, rashlyundertakingto write
l
poisonedthemselves,ike Chatterton,for want of it,or

annals
for

that

was

like

it. Possibly,
obtaining
having
ness
humbly of myself there is nothinglike earlysickthe
for
of
conceit
out
one
vanitydid
taking
my

Otway,

on
"

"

"

sorrow

"

not presume
to think,with certain juvenile
that I " had a
Tracticians,
call
to hold forth in printfor the edification of mankind.
Perchance,
"

the

my
very deep reverence
Bards and Sages,deterred

of

Beingsthat

seemed

readinghad led me to entertain for our

from thrusting
me
myself into the fellowship
little lower

only a

in

with
literary
authority,
the press was
of the
branch

view

to

for my

Arts

Fine

"

for

farther.

pushed no

the contrary,I had selected

serious pursuit. Prudence, the
On

perhaps,that
Wisdom, whispering
than Pye
chance of a beefsteak inside,

daughterof
a

better

the engraver,

the Laureate

and
imitators,

member

Moreover,

Lalla Rookh.

to

of

"

"

the

companion

privateselect

this

about

time,I

LiterarySociety,(alludedto

became

at page

97

"
waited on Ladies and Gentlemen
present work) that
houses."
Our
speaking,was
Minerva, allegorically

at

of the
own

personage, in blue
*

To

Twist.
same

the

borrow
There

horse.

that

; not

in

was
quitegiven up.
verse-spinning
I
still
with
Castaly,now
fortis^
played

match

had

Pye,

Though working
aqtia
all
are
monkeys
writing
all young
authors are monkeys
now
writinga Bandit,
Lalla
Crow, by way of
and
a
Corsair,
hatching
anon,

the

to

angels. However,

publication,the advice of a
of my
MSS.
the submitting
to a
his imprimatur,
acquaintance
my slight

excuse
spiteof that very common
who
recommended
friend,"
seriously

with

the

than

an
are

stockings,flounced gown,
a

from

example
few authors

It is intended

historyin questionfrom
Dodger on his road to seek

quakercap, and

their

motley
kerchief,

there is that slave of circumstances,Oliver

fiction,

whom

would

one

care

to

see

compliment,that
122, supposinghis hero not

therefore

as

page
his fortune.

n2

running two

heats with

the

I wish

Boz

would

to have

met

with the Artful

re-writo

548

LITERARY

French

flowers,and

blowpipe in the

and

hat.

held

She

votaries

Her

in

fan

were

hand, and

one

of both

sexes,

old

and

assenters,dissenters,
single,
High Church, Low

Church

Church, No

man's

other.

married

young,

REMINISCENCES.

in

Doctors

physics
Physics,and Apothecariesin Metain
dabblers
natural
;
Logic,Chemistry,Casuistry,Sophistry,
and unnatural
DemoHistory, Phrenology,Geology, Conchology,
in
of
kinds
all
short,
nology;
including
Colledgy-Knowledgy-Ology,
had
we
our
Cakeology,"and tea and coffee. Like other Societies,
President
sort of Speaker who
a
never
spoke ; at least within my
he
himself
of
unbosomed
never
experience
anythingbut a portentous
shirt frill. Accordingto the usual order of the entertainment,
there
Small
which
Tea
and
Talk
was
first.
original
Essay,
; secondly,an
should have been followed,
Great Talk ;
or
thirdly,
by a Discussion,
nine
times in ten, it chanced,or rather mumchanced, that,between
but
those who did not know
what to think,and others,
who did not know
how to deliver what
they thought,there ensued a dead silence,so
buried into
very dead indeed,"as Apollo Belvi says, that it seemed
the bargain. To make
giving
misthis awkward
more
awkward, some
pause
out some
voice,between a whisperand a croak,would stammer
allusion to a Quaker s Meeting, answered
from
left
to
by a
right
the
o
r
titter,
wilfully
speaker
running
having innocently, perhaps
;

"

"

"

*'

that
forgotten,

one

coloured

were

gowns,
that the Friends

contented

They
in hand.
once

way

in slatemany
in the circle. Not
thumb-twiddling,
sitting,

two

or

often

coats, and

friends in drab

as

with

cussions.
playingdunihy at our dismatter
to the
characteristically,

themselves

spoke,and

very
t
heir
favourite
doctrine of non-resistance
instance,

For

was

"

pushed if Quakers ever push a little beyond beyond." By

of clencher,one
fair,meek, sleek Quakeress, in dove colour,
"

"

gravelytold
rather

than

melodraraatical

lift

his

even

lamblike,suffered himself

story

of

conscientious

little fingeragainsta
to be butchered

Friend, who

Foe, passively,
yea,
and
an
assassin,
by

in bed

died

he thought,with
like a
Fox
as
consistently,
principles,
very
As regards
and
in
share
the
own
Essays
Arguments,it
my
misgivesme that theyno more satisfiedour decidedlyserious members,

Goose.

than

they

night,in

propitiateMr.

now

escorting
a

female

Rae

Fellow

"Wilson.
towards

At
her

least,one
Society
she
home,
suddenly

and its
stopped me, takingadvantageperhapsof the awful locality,
a
nd
in
criminal
front
of
chief
our
associations,
looking
just
prison,
what
earnestlyin my face,by the lightof a Newgate lamp, inquiredsome?"
abruptly, Mr. Hood ! are you not an Infidel*
In the mean
time,whilst thus playingat Literature,an event was
"

Authorship in earnest, and

only flirted,
companionfor life.
my
It had often occun-ed to me
that a striking,
necromantical,
romantical,
melodramatical,Germanish
story,might be composed,
metaphysical,

ripeningwhich
make

was

the Muse, with

to

introduce

whom

me

to

I had

"
In justice
it ought to he recorded, that two
to the Society,
themselves
of " London
in print: the authoress
distinguished
the author of a " Historyof Moral Science."

of its merahers
in the

Olden

have

since

Time," and

LITERARY

the interest of which

should

fate of A

destinyof B,

natural
and

over

turn

the

on

mysteriousinfluence of the
said partieshaving no
more

the

apparent connexion with each other than Tenterden Steeple

Goodwin
An
Sands.
instance of this occult contingency

or

the

occurred

the

549

REMINISCENCES.

in my

for

did not

know

by sightthe
untimely exit depended my entrance
the literary
of the year 1821, a memorable
on
stage. In the beginning
took placeat Chalk Farm,
in a pen-and-ink
duel,originating
quarrel,
unfortunate

and

ow^n

gentlemanon

even

whose

in the death of Mr.

terminated

London

case;

John

Scott,the

able Editor

of the

The

in
melancholyresult excited great interest,
which I fullyparticipated,
littledreamingthat his catastrophe
involved
of
But
to
loss
the
of
on
its conimportance
myself.
ductor,
any consequences
the Periodical passedinto other hands.
The new
Proprietors
friends
for
after
and
sent
I
were
some
me,
preliminaries,
; they
my

Magazine.

duly installed as

was

It would

be

There

regret.

it is

sort

of sub-Editor

of the London

Magazine.

affectation to say, that engravingwas

resignedwith
is always somethingmechanical
about the art
over,
more"

wearisome

unwholesome

sit

to

to a
as
copper-fastened
if
scoopedout to accommodate
stomach,
your
you
have one, painfully
or
ruling,and still rulinglines straight
ruling,
crooked,by the longhundred to the square inch,at the doubly-hazardous
risk which Wordsworth
of
so
deprecates,
growing double." So
farewell Woollett ! Strange! Bartolozzi ! I have said,my vanitydid
as

board, with

cantle

"

rashlyplunge me
legitimate
openingthan
not

and

speedilybehind
judgeby my zeal

was

To

at last found

its natural

candidates for
I

dreamt

inserted
The

jumped

the

in
delight

bias *.
with

"

it,
a

la

by

the

of
editor,

irksome
to

w^ere

me

there

was

Grimaldi,head foremost,

the bowl had

pursuit,
Not content with takingarticles,
like
articles like the Belgians"
rejecting
new

my

with the

course

which
articles,

if it had

been

deputy.

the correction of the

as
a

all

were

of his

concurrence

such
parts of authorship,
I received
labours of love.

Mr.

sooner

no

scenes.

and

holy orders

at

wrote
articles,thought articles,

more

press,

authorship
; but

into

revise from

win's
Bald-

Mr.

proofof his

a
Parker,as
regard; forgavehim
all his slips,
and really
devils w^ere not so black
thoughtthat printers''
in
But
tributors
Conas
our
they are painted.
top-gallant
glory was
my
"

"

How

all round

Hazlitt,and
to Allan

Cunningham

writers

of

I used to look

"

rare

"

It is

an

! and

backward

for

defunct,and perhaps no
apostrophizedwith the Irish

now

be
appropriately

Arrah, honey, why

question
a
nd
editor,
elegant
prose writers,and
"

to Elia

for Edward
Herbert, and how I used to look up
had a goodlylist
! for at that time the London

company.

ex-periodical
might so
funereal

forward

did you

die ?"

Had

you

not

beautiful poets,and broths of

and my brother
of ink in my blood.
My father wrote two novels,
for a time of an anxious parent.
literary
turn, to the great disquietude
She suspectedhim, on the strength
of a very despondingcast, of
of several amatory poems
and catechised,
and
being the victim of a hopelessattachment ; so he was caught,closeted,
after a deal of delicate and tender sounding, ho confessed,not with the anticipated
sighs*
and tears, but a very unexpected burst of laughter,
that ho had been guiltyof translating
was

some

There

was

dash

decidedlyof

fragments of Petrarch.

550

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

and wits and humorists.

Elia,Gary,
boys'for criticism and classics,
Procter, Cunningham, Bowring, Barton, Hazlitt,Elton, Hartley
Smith, Reynolds, Poole,Clare,
Talfourd,Soane, Horace
Coleridge,
Hadn't you Lions' Heads
besides.
and Thomas
with
a
Benyon,
power
with Traditional Tales ? Hadn't
you an Opium Eater,and a Dwarf,
and a Giant, and a Learned
Lamb, and a Green Man ? Had not you
a regular
Drama, and a Musical Report,and a Report of Agriculture,
and an Obituaryand a Price Current, and a current
price,of only
the conhalf-a-crown
? Arrah, why did you die ? Why, somehow
tributors
into other hands
fell away
went
worst
of all,
the concern
editor tried to put the Belles Lettres in Utilitarian envelopes;
a new
like that of poor Le
whereupon, the circulation of the Miscellany,
Feyre, got slower,slower,slower, and slower still and then stopped
"

"

"

"

for

It

ever

was

to Colebrooke.

Reynoldsand
Thomas

and

(Clare)went into it. Lamb

himself to the British
Mr. Cary presented
when theyshould pen
Barry took to engrossing

out of the

went

"

old Londoners

of those
sorry scattering

country :

Some

retreated

one

Museum.
a

stanza,

gave up literature.

Benyon

of pride,
and pain,that I revert
pleasure,
mingledfeelings
and admired
the writers I had long known
to those old times,when
I
in
flesh
when
had
the
of
the
to
in spirit
were
me
delight
present
from
of gazingon
their own
to their wit and wisdom
lips,
listening
Familiar
their faces,
and graspingtheir righthands.
figuresrise
before me, familiar voices ring in my ears, and alas ! amongst them
never
are
hear,again.
shapesthat I must never
see, sounds that I can
of the few who
Before my departurefrom England,I was
one
saw

It is with

"

the remains of one whom

to know
the grave close over
did a better soul go to
to love as a relation.
Never

Never

malice, and

envy,

author
of

lie direct to the

the
perhaps (giving
descend

the

the

friend

was

better world !

imputation of
did an
brotherhood),never

quote his favourite Sir

the pismire" so hung

to

"

and

mole

hatred, amongst

as

common

T. Browne

into

"

*'

the land

golden opinions,and
and elegies,
by his
eulogies
with

with such sincere

regretted
To
contemporaries. him, the first of these,my
honoured

and

due, for

I lost in him

invaluable critic;
use, I
borrow

Mr.

might well
the

whom,

one

name,

earnest

only a

not

such

were

languageof

dear

literary
adoptionsin

called

Cotton

as

nently
is emireminiscences,
but an
and kind friend,
"

Walton, my

old Jean

Cary
noble spirit,
for whose
Thou, chiefly,

loss

griefand mourning all our hearts engross.

Who
seeingme devoted to the Nine,
Didst hope some
from those buds of mine
fruitage
Just

Thou

didst excite

me

after thee.t'ascend

Muses' sacred hill ; nor only lend

to reach
me
Example, but inspirit
The far-off summit
speech.
by thy friendly

The

"

May graciousHeaven,
Make
Nor
That

the conclusion
let it

answer

"

"

honour

of

our

ago I

thy presage,

only for vain fortune stand.

seen
thy visage touched thy hand

I have

"

father."

To

Englishedby

Bertaut, as

"

"

modem

"

LITERARY

551

REMINISCENCES.

one
sitting
morning beside

Editor,busilycorrecting
proofs,
was
announced, whose
grumbled by a low
name,
from
the hold throughthe
ventriloquial
voice,like Tom Pipes calling
hatchway, did not resound distinctly
on
However
tympanum.
my
the door opened, and in came
a
at a
stranger, a figureremarkable
with a fine head, on
small
a
glance,
spare body, supportedby two
was

when

our

visitor

"

almost

immaterial

clothed in sables,of a by-gone

legs. He was
fashion,but there was somethingwanting,or somethingpresent about
neither a divine,nor
him, that certified he was
a
a
physician,
nor
schoolmaster
with

from

his sedate
would

costume

certain neatness

he
bearing,
be

might

anomalous,

for

and

in
sobriety

have

been

Quaker

his

dress,
coupled

taken, but

in black.

that such

He

looked

still

like

Modern
(what he reallywas) a literary
Antique,a NewOld Author, a living
witli Burton
Anaclironism,contemporary at once
the Elder,and Colman
the Younger. Meanwhile
he advanced
with
rather
h
is
walk
and
a
with
was
cheerful
peculiargait,
a
plantigrade,
of the blandest,sweetest
How
smiles that ever
d'ye," and one
out
two
a manly countenance, held
brightened
fingersto the Editor.
black
into
The
in
fell
two
soon
discourse; and whilst
gentlemen
within me, set to w^ork upon
tiie
they conferred,the Lavater principle
thus
its
to
specimen
presented
a
interesting
speculations. It was
full
of
intellectual
face,
and
wiry
lines,
striking
physiognomical
quips
There
much
was
earnestness
cranks, that gave it great character.
deal of speculation
about
the brows, and
in the eyes, which
a
were
brown
and bright,
and "quick in turning;"the nose, a decided one,
more

*'

though of
about

no

established

Altogetherit

the mouth.

which

willow-pattern
ones,
potteries
;
"

to

the

could

have
In

^but

order ; and

more

was

Nature

like

there

chance

no

turns

was

smartness

face"none

by

out

specimen of the

of

thousands
Chinese

those
her

at

one

ware,

it.
seen
unique, antique,
quaint. No one who had once
tenance
pretend not to know it again. It was no face to lend its counin a Comedy of Errors. You might
to any confusion of persons
to it piecemeal, a
sworn
separate affidavit for every feature.
set

"

"

short,

character

his face

was

as

his character

as

his figure
his
as
original
; his figureas
his
the
his writings
most
;
writings
original

business
of the age.
had
After the literary
invited his contributor to dinner,adding " we
*

The

And"

hesitation in the

and"

and

"

speech,and

alike characteristic of the

have

handsome

common

alreadyas
recognised

and

many

Friends

the readiness

whom
individual,
the

been

the Editor
settled,

shall have

hare

"
"

X""

of the

were
illusion,
perchance
capitalCritic,

his familiars will

the
delightful
Essajdst,

Humorist, the delicate-minded and large-hearted

Lamb
He
Charles
!
was
shy like myself with strangers,so that
duction.
first
our
meeting scarcelyamounted to an introdespitemy yearnings,
We
both at dinner,amongst the hare's many
friends,
were
in spiteof a desperateattempt on
but our
acquaintance
got no farther,
notice.
His
his
to
attract
complaintof the Decay of Beggars
part
my

the

pleasantWit

and

552

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

'

presentedanother
a letter of
Euglieh,

chance

I wrote

thanks to him

and
in
paper,
of his mendicant

coarse

on

if from

ragged

clients,
producedno effect. I had given up all hope, when one night,
sick and sad,in my bed-room, racked with the rheumatism, the
sitting
door was
suddenly opened, the well-known
quaint figurein black
a
nd
with
cheerful
in without
walked
a
formality,
Well, boy,
any
bland
extended
and
the
two
how
sweet
the
are
smile,
you?"
fingers.
They were
eagerlyclutched of course, and from that hour we were
as

one

it

but

'*

firm friends.

intimacywith

commenced
characteristically
my
and
recentlybecome my neighbour,

Thus
had
ask

"

to

tea,
the contrary,the
me

with

Cottage
and
joints,

But

wind.

In

spellin
alacrity
f than

had

name
more

risk,to be of

some

Wordsworth."

to meet

North

in

few

days
spiteof any

it that drew

willingto

He

again,to

idle

jeststo

to Colebrooke

me

consisted with

was

C. Lamb.
called

prudence, stiff
at least hobble,

run,

party in a parlourwith the Author of Laodamia

As for his BettyFoy-bles,
he is not the first

and

HartleapWell.
man
by many, who has met with a simplefracture through ridinghis
If he
that it broke down with him.
far and so fast,
so
theory-hack
has now
next-door
and then put on
a
nightcap,so have his own

babbled,sometimes,like an infant of two years

old ; he has also thought,
and spoken,the beautiful fancies,
and felt,
and tender affections,
of the children who can
and artless language,
say
he
for
We
furnished
food
has
seven."
with
are
babes,
Along
strong
and in a few minutes found
meat for men.
So I put on my great-coat,
myself,for the firsttime,at a door, that opened to me as franklyas
its master'*sheart ; for,without any preliminaries
of hall,
passage, or
threshold
into
the
one
parlour,
sittingbroughtme
single
step across the
mountains.

If he has

*"'

and in

room,

with
the

the domestic

sightof

old bokes, and beside the fire sate

outward

did

man

As

as
palaver,
say, fell short of my
is in fault ; 'twas many
memory
years ago,
of Johnson, I have never
made
Bozziness

excepting

discussion

the value

on

Wordsworth

poets,wherein

our

took

younger
John
Keats

for

of the

choice,there

was

brown

and his sister,

for the

Bridget.
not, perhaps,disappoint
one;

the Indians

looked

room

Wordsworth,

the excellent

hospitableElia,and

Rydal, his

The

hearth.

"'

"

bard
but

of
the

anticipations.
Perhaps my
and, unlike the biographer
my

business.

However,

promissorynotes

issued

by

named

and Lamb
Shelley,
of
interest
literary
nothing

*
A cottage of Ungentility,
for it had neither double coach-house nor
wiugs. Like its
**
the
denant,it stood alone. He said,glancingat the Paternoster one, that he did not like
*'
fond of Men
he professed,more
There was
Row."
a bit of a garden,in which, being as

Sects than
Ho

had

of

been

said,** I

never

Entomology.
God," he
she darted
was
caughtin her fatal spinning,
out, completelylapped in a shroud ! It

probablyhis

Insects,"he made
watchinga spideron
such a thing!
saw

Directlyhe

down

in a minute
turned him
upon him, and
reminded
of the Fatal Sisters in Gray."
me

"f
to

have

sort

of rheumatic

green-room,
of " Enter

at

his
-,

of
celerity,

last observation

which

Sir W.

Scott's favouiite

"

in

Good

dramatiser

seemed

Terry's" deliberate delivery,

which
the
shout
of
once
for
laughter
rang throughoutthe Adelphi
the stage direction
from
of
a
manner
manuscriptplay,
emphatic
giving,
notion.

very accurate
will bo able to account
a

firstand

a fly.
gooseberrybush, entrapping

with

"

"

Those

lack

"

who

ri
"

remember

ty !"

"

poor

554

LITERARY

Jew

amongst Quakers, by

as

indulgein

he would
formality,
his

REMINISCENCES.

his

little enormities,
such

some

Esquire.
My visits

at

unrheumatize

myself

I received

Lamb's

letter in

correspondentBernard
as

but

Hastings;
well-known

againsttlicir own
levity. I well remember

him
addressing

shortly interrupted
by

were

at

set-off

littleextra

chucklingat havingspiritedon

to commit

of

way

Barton,
C. Lamb,

as

sojourn to

in default of other intercourse

hand, quaint as

the

it

sentences

conveyed.
Priory? CucuUus non facit Monachum.
Englishme that, and challengeold Lignum Janua to make a better.
River has presentedno
novelties lately.
extraordinary
My old New
there Hope
sits day after day speculating
But
traditionary
upon
has
I
know
the
think
she
taken
the
fisheries.
I
now
gudgeons.
denominated
East and West Angles.
reason
why our forefathers were
*'

And

is there

Yet

at the

dost thou

what

lack

no

for I w^ash

of spawn,

morning, thick
through the pump
every
taste the
thingsthat perishuntimely,and never

as

come

tell

Seat,neither

Angel that

if Robinson

of

apart

from

and
reading-desk,
pulpit,

finest

wood, (in the

seems
dropt by

in

week

(he'llremember)

is

far

the

black

and

of

foremost

You

Savans.

the

His

what

as
agreeable)

letterets.
return

murmurs,

But

in

to the waters

fresh

was

to both

good

He
To

of
I

earnest

of old Sir

and
ripples,

have

wife

decidedlythe

They are
I
end of my
have
made
an
Well,
Hastings.
I could have
is gone by when
scribbled as
thine

old

himself with
She

Saint

only to

has
sea-

name

(not the Devil),that lodgedwith him a

July, and he will show courtesy. He

last

thwarting little animal

see

of human

also go to No. 13, StandgateStreet,

a
Baker, who
collection of marine
in ten sea
monsters
counties;

old Gentleman

the

trim font of massiest

name,

fantastic.

trace

reared it to soothe

had

forgetits Xtian

dragons,polypi,mer-people,most

not

goest to Lover

should

You

by

You

brook.
thou

as

town), that

It stands

Crusoe

church-goingimages.
its gossip.
was

the

little

do

carryingtwo packages; marry, witli

to Loretto.
pick his flight
Inquireout and

it

habitation,yet hath

the

the

from
furlongs

Loretto.

littleProtestant

marble, as

Bays

motelings

tired of

was

shift to

other he made
my

that be

fishets that
"

of that littleChurchlingin the midst

oppositedirection nine
the

Land

of those romantic

me

in

hands

my

our

sang in meads
the rough ocean

us.

my

"

dwindled
most

There

is

funniest
of

green

time
epistolary

long (I will

am

shall be

Hugh.

say ;

is the

Lions

happy

not

to
to

say as
and

notes

hail

thy

nothing like inland

native minnows.
how
and

sweet

the brooklets

ran.

red restless sands.

designto giveup smoking ; but I have not yet fixed upon the equivalent
have
vice.
I must
quid pro quo, or quo pro quid^as Tom

Woodgate would

correct

me.

My

service to him.
C.

L.

"

LITERARY

The

letter

to hand

came

too late for

subsequentvisit to the same

verified the littleLoretto,we

on

we

howbeit

man,

tried at every
The

we

cakery in its window.

or

fictions which

those

of

one

$55

REMINISCENCES.

hunt

to

me

Cinque

the

"

"

Lions

but

Port with

wife,though
my
could not find the Baker, or even
his
shop that had the least signof bakery
whole
batch
of fancy bread ;
a
was

the writer

ofi" upon

to pass

apt

was

his

friends.
The

evening meetingsat Colebrooke Cottage where somebody,

who teas somebody, or a literary
to drop in
friend,was
sure
were
the more
to me,
in a rapid
as the London
grateful
Magazine was now
of its crack
contributors had left it oflP,
decline ; some
and the gatherings
"

"

of the clan to eat, drink,and

There

was

was

I had

introduce

Olden
On

been

guest,and

of the

whereat, I have

sketch

of

characters
principal

righthand then
the quickeyes

the

heard,the

scent

of them

one

of

"

our

may serve
in the
London

as

Procter

"

up

wit

"

in the

and

fallow,behold

Jack

our

stalks too, under the table),he

greenish
must
blooms
amongst us as Goldsmith
No

peach-blossom.
a

wonder

door-keeper of

the

suit,linked
countrified

arm-in-arm

boggleat admittingthem

into

seeingthat veri/

and

best pun

evening. Next to him, shining

suits of the literati,
like a patch
grave-coloured

In his bright,
coat,and
grass-coloured

Clare !

sables,made

the

out

his

quick as

as

of the

course

the

stubble

turnipsamidst

and

sits Eli a, of the pleasant

said of them that *' they looked as

and
pins and needles
Hazlitt described,
to stammer

from

out
verdantly

(thereare

of the Editor

"

they could pick

John

few and far between.

were

high,and the sport was of as rich a quality

; but
the pack. At
to be absent from
former
dinners,

some

eyes, and sure,

the best remark

of

be merry,

Feast

Time."

smile, and
if

one

chance

my

however,
to

Venison

than breast

lay more
it

indeed

i' the Green

yellow waistcoat
looks
have
the

very

done
Soho

with

his

"

slip,
Cowhis

in

Bazaar,

the Editorial

repository,
having
"

"

playing at playing at
the gentleman*'s
wonder
about the
gentleman,
thimble-rig
W
for
's,was
in the drab-coat and sealing-wax
smalls,at
cutting
in
the
the
last
off our
Green Man, who was
modestly
ascending stairs
amends
afterwards
by waiting
as
an
interloper,
though he made
seen,

almost

perchance,such

made-up
Square. No

exclusivelyon
eccentric Notable

some

the
of

Peasant

Peasant, perfectlyconvinced that he was

in Rustic.
the Corinthian
order, disguised

the same
sion
occaon
either,that in wending homewards
and
et
Peasant
the
Urban,
the
Elia,
St/lmmis
Strand,
through

Little wonder

"

Look
the frequentcry of
arose
; there
comfortablytogether
in
Clare
for
and
Tom
tnily,
and Jerry there goes
Jerry!"
at Tom
little
not
in his black, were
a
his square-cutgreen coat, and Lamb
London."
Life
in
in
the
and Logic,
platesto
of Hawthorn
suggestive
linked

"

"

But

to return

to the

table.

Elia

"

much

more

of House

Lamb

than

Pastoral

;
avowedly caring little or nothing for
and
the
Poet,
Northamptonshire
cottons, nevertheless,
very kindly to
and
Clarissimus,"
him
his
again as
stillmore
to
again
ale,pledging

of

Grass

Lamb

"

"

656
and

"

cast

an

"

London

and

Hodge

"

beauty

certain

on

"

"0!

at

and

the Humorist

Anon,

and

"

Clare-obscurities

the

respect he

been

at

such
he

look

Man

own

banter

nating
origi-

verses,

the

accused,

shools.

like

"

much

as

of

"

conceived his clever

delicacyof

Omee.

Ferme

genuine

features

than

the Garden

with

the

man-trap

it !
inventing

was
hardy,rough,
Ingram'srustic chair.

an

his frame, with

beneath

of

sort

a
"

He

C in alt."

trulyrustic

about
slightness

Hilton

time,that
"

was

was

swearing

Dead

whereupon
Priscian,

complexion,that associated him more

Field,and made him look the Peasant

and

Clare

knappin hammers/'

when

was

fair!"

was

beginsto

in his

?
ser'es their grammars
ta'ea
better
They'd
up spadesand

clumsy enough to

There

Table

besides the

vehementlydenounces all Philologyas nothingbut

dais LindleyMurray for
for authors,and heartily
have

Mr.

What

Or

of C
portrait

delightsof

she

if it isn't like

a
contempt for the rules of
thinkingwith Burns,

It must

country

Poetry in general*,
Lamb
on
particular,
insisting

turn

"Dal!

n)

"

the

discuss

in

in

"

"

Alice

own

of his coffin !"

preachingout
Peasant

Lot

his

clarified d"

(a

tangentalsharp
of

with

Podge,

neebors

Common

"

thinking,mayhap,
"Dal!"

e.

drouthie

"

the

of

i.

and

unlettered

Barry, and Herbert, and

of all. But
multiplicity

"

aliis

Montgomery's

the

his tankard.

society Elia,and

multis
Talk, cum
the
two
tankard,

the latter
as to make
lustily,
By his brighthappy look,

so

the
inwardly contrasting

is

Clod, and

of

company

the

sometimes

PrincelyClare,"and
anxious glanceinto

Helpstone Visiter

the

*'

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

with

In this
bronzed

stalwart

I remember
Plough-Poet,Burns, as above the Farmer's Boy, whom
in
miniature
in my
he lived
a
to have
seen
house,
childhood,when
in
the
the
the
and
now
near
City
Shepherdess,
Eagle tavern,
Shepherd
The Suffi)lk
-^olian harps,and kept ducks.
Road, and manufactured
Giles

had

like

more
infinitely

happy

It

Clare !

Poor

"

Boys

Farmers'

thriving
; but

from

the natural

to

hear

that

he

was

of Peasants
transplanting

the

into

; he looked

appearance

handicraftsman,town-made.
would
greatlyplease me

well, and

and

in his
agricultural

littleof the

very

does not
artificialsoil,

an

and

always

doing. I trust
happiness,or health,or
the true Friends,who, with a natural
hankeringafter poetry, because
it is forbidden them, have ventured to pluck and eat of the pastwal
conduce

to their

that

they took
was

nmch

and

averse

patronisedCapel

account

off whole
about

Talking

of

iiuc

Clare for

Poetry, Lamb
ever

"

Lofft's

I do

One

trust

who

on

and

hope

protege
There
Northamptonshire Bard.
tender-hearted,
Quaker to like ; he was
"

read.

he recoiled once,

How
told
"

me

one

Where

?^*

day that ho
"

Out

of the

his
bodily-taking
had

just met

Camden's

"

To

and

editions of the

to violence.

vigorous line he had

of nature,

the innocence

dallyingwith

most

sorts, as

well

ultimate

Hundred

Pots

of

Porter

."218"

with

chau*

the

most

Head, all in

one

LITERARY

along with him,

drop,somewliat

from

friend, who
surgeon's
from
abruptly,that he was
just come
seeing
! ""Clare, from
his look of horror,evidently
thought
infant, like Marsyas, had been flayedalive ! He was
"

let

child skinned

that the

poor
gentleand

both

young

or

surgeon,

"

simple. I

have

heard

that

his firstvisit to

liOndon,
their porter to meet
sent
him at the inn ;
publishersconsiderately
when
Thomas
necessarily
inquiredof the gentleman in green,

his
but
"

667

REMINISCENCES.

Are

Clare ?

Mr.
you
tricks of London

"

the

on

latter,willingto

sliarpers,
repliedto

the

foil the

traditionary

suspiciousquery

with

"

positive
negative."
The
him by the whole
Brobdignagdiannext to Clare, overtopping
head and shoulders
the grenaa
physical Colossus of Literature,'*'
dier
"

"

of

is

Allan

Allan, not

Ramsay, "no, nor Barbara

but Allan Cunningham,
Allan neither,"
a credit,"
quoth Sir Walter
Scott (he might have said a longcredit) to Caledonia."
He is often
called
honest Allan," to distinguish
from
Allanone
him, perhaps,
our

corps

"

"

"

"

"

a-Dale, who
sometimes,
to

was

apt to mistake his neighbours'

goodsfor his own
of
C.
the
ourselves,yclept
Solway," in allusion
"

between

that favourite

"

Allan

"

of the true

Variable

from
face,alternating

At

Covenanter

liftshim
he

when

sees

of his

of his pony,

Why
from

run

formed

wast

to
according

Pope
"

And
alas !

are

we

tailors do
to

answer

To

to

now

him

he

rises at

finishes with

Has

his

he

wrote

Pegasus,as

the Mermaid

? Has

Lady Ann married,or May

poet,Allan,by nature, and

for

snatch

on
man

beyond the reach

grace

bing
rub-

smart

Scotch

stories,

old-new

rare

he
of

joke

once

Galloway

Morison

by

or

related
left

dead ?

stature

too,

of Art."

Tallboys, for thy Publishers ? But

and
evil days for Bards
Barding,and nine
The only Lay likely
than the Nine Muses.

Longman,

fallen

more

no,

laughs a hearty laugh

chair,for

store,too, of broad
"

littlelike

"

of his

to Set Fair.

Stormy

traditional

fly,and

is something

"

there not

are

not

for

has

he writes

imder

? Is Bonnie

littleones

Thou

He

and

sayings;

at

trout

ample palms.

ballads.

new-old

no

like

his

from

and

clears up

from

two

or

and

There

in the barometer

Showery,

earnest

suddenly

inch

an

one,

shrewd

and

he

but

"

Sea.

Solway

observable

to

gloomy and

times he looks

that

the

Water,"
weather
moody poetical

now-a-days would
the LiteraryFund !

or

be

an

Ode

(with the

proper

nials)
testimo-

with
the studious
the Editor's right,
on
personage
modest
mild
and
the
is
Cary
brow, deep-seteyes, and bald crown,
He
blank
Miltonic
verse.
into
Dante
turned
who
the same
English
and
relish
will
he
which
the partridges,
towards
his
is

The

Reverend

"

plate
sending
digestas though they were

happened to say that the

example of uncultivated genius.
will they stick me in the instinct ?"
*

as
"

an

Somebod7

Birds

the

Peasant
"

And

of

Aristophanes.

ought
where

to

figurein

the

will they stick

He

has his

Percy Anecdotes,

me,**asked Clare,

558

LITERARY

eye, too,

found

Translator

made-dishes

French

the

on

better

no

REMINISCENCES.

and

translation in the Church

panic,it
no-popery
to Purgatoryhe had Romed

that,in

Pity, shame

*.

some

pity,such
Is it

possible

goman
thought by merely being Dra-

was

from

faith ?

the true
"

"

Londoners
once
pleasantday we
spent at a Chiswick
parsonage, formerlytenanted by Hogarth, along with the hospitable
!t
The last time my
Oary, and, as Elia called them, his Caryatides
the Interpreter
(of the House Beautiful as well as of
eyes rested on
the
the Inferno),he was
on
Library steps of the British Museum.
reached
the
Ere this, I trust he hath
tiptop nay, hath perhaps
unto
and had
attained beinga LiteraryWorthy, even
a
Trusteeship,
of
the
few
Blue
Ribbon
of
Literature
!
to buy, at Ellis's,
a
yards
Procter, alias Barry Cornwall, formerlyof the Marcian Colonnade,
the kindlyProcter,one
Inn of Court
of some
of the
now
prosaical
into the Brotherhood,with a too-flattering
foremost
to welcome
me
Dedication
(another instance againstthe jealousyof authors),is my
he says shall be kept as strictly
file. But what
left-hand
dential
confiown
A

very

"

"

"

it into my Martineau
for he is whispering
ear.
shadow
a
side,when I turn that way, I see a profile,

On

of

other

my

which

ever

opening my writing-desk,
after seeingthe original
J. In oppositionto the
memory,
of
size"
the
man's
extra
Cunningham,
party in questionlooks almost
beneath Monsieur
Queteboyish,partlyfrom beingin bulk somewhat
let's Average Man," but stillmore
of coma peculiar
so from
plexion
delicacy
confronts

me

on

"

sketch

taken

from

day

the

"

"

and

wearing,in

of

smallness

which
features,

compliment,probably,to

his locks unshorn.

Sees

the

Nevertheless

than

more

marks

look all the smaller from

the crowd

Sampsons of Teutonic
whoever

of

looks

common

his

rature,
Lite-

again,

men.

in the eyes, a curl of the lip,

is speculation
and a general
character
of
of Voltaire.
in the outline,
that reminds one
And
some
a
portraits
There

Philosopherhe

is every

inch.

He

looks,thinks, writes,talks and

walks, eats and drinks, and no doubt sleeps philosophically
*. e.
There
is
about
he
his motions,
deliberately.
nothing abrupt
goes
like
and
and
the
comes
calmly
phantom in Hamlet, he is
quietly
"

"

"

here

is gone ! So it is with his discourse.

He
with very marked
of
the
tide
emphasis,
"
like Denham's
flowing,
river, strong without rage, without over-

is there

he

"

he

"

and
speaks slowly,clearly,
talk flows

it was

full." When
"

once

poem.
Belleau.

It

cut

out

proved to

from
be

"

a
a

my

frequentand agreeable
duty to

country newspaper

what

seemed

naturalization,
by Gary, of

to

me

French

very

Song

to

call

on

good old English

April,by Remy

he should devote a younger

an
uncertaintyto what profession
f The father expressing
"Make
him
Lamb
said,
an
Apothe-Cary."
Cary,
"
J Unable to make
any thing like a likeness" of a sitter for the purpose, I have a
But my pencilhas not
their backs.
been
for taking faces behind
sort of Irish faculty
attributed to it ; amongst others " a formidable likeness of
guiltyof half the personalities
a

Lombard

I have

never

Street Banker."
seen

Besides

the Gentleman

that

alluded

one

would

to, or

even

rather draw
a

on

of
portrait

him

Banker
in my

than

at

life.

him,

LITERARY

I)e

Mr.

Quincey (beingan

associated
and

it,on

quiteat home,
storm,

uncommon

the Memoria

always pronounced
in the

it

Technica

with
principle

Quinsy),and

midst

of

books

listened by
willingly

the

his eyes

side of the room,

fixed

on

one

hour

I have

whilst

and

the

throat

sore

him

home,
in a
Literature^
chairs, ^billows of
at

of

the

"

such

on

"

found

Ocean

Genuan

the servant

remember,

to

name

all the floor,

the table
flooding
tossing,
tumbling,surging open,

"

550

REMINISCENCES.

occasions

I have

with
Philosopher,
standing,
be
less
to
speakingthan

seemed

"

Now
and then he would
readingfrom a
handwritingon the wall."
for
Scotch
mile
tillI was
or
diverge, a
two, to the rightor left,
tempted
with Peregrinein John
to inquire
Bull (Colman's not Hook's), Do
"

you
where

deviate V

never

he

the end.

left,not

But

look !

of that
spirit
the
cheek,
eyes are

growing shadow

he

we
''

scent, and

familiar

stupendousPleasures and enormous

described by the EnglishOpium Eater.

certain
*'

with

stain

Within

his

on

own

"

active

durst drink

it

by

that Potent
been

Drug

eloquently

so

I have

Marry,

of his

one

apologyfor a
beinga largepurplishring.
to

an

"

"

but

of laudanum

changecomes

is surrounded

Pains have

mark

the said stain

MS.,

tumbler

and

name

that circle none

coloured,of
That

his

point
topicto

his

faint hectic tint leaves

degree dimmer, and each

signsof the waning influence of

"

the

to

hunted

hours, and

face."

whose

Confessions

thence

in the small

are

old

safelyback

always came

lost the

"

o'er the

the

but

"

had

in fact the

he,"
"

impression,

without

negus, warm,

sugar.*"

head,
oppositewith a game-cock-looking
his
forehead
and the hair combed
with
over
fashion,
smooth, fighter
one
fingerhooked round a glassof champaigne,not that he requires
it to inspirit
him, for his wit bubbles up of itself is our Edward
of that true pieceof Biography,the Life of Peter
Herbert,the Author
Corcoran.
He is good with both hands,"like that NonpareilRandall,
at a comic verse
at a repartee
serious stanza
smart
a
sharp at a
or
smart

person

"

"

"

"

"

and

retort,
"

not

averse

to

bit of mischief.

'Twas

he who

gave

the

set
Generally,his jests,
then
and
now
are
they
by a happy manner,
only
Would
I
the
of
the
like
are
pine-apple.
sharpness
sharp-flavoured,
could give a sample. Alas !
What
a
pity it is that so many good
and
and
uttered
Humorists, at chance times
Wits,
by Poets,
things
like sparks struck out
and they are
always the best and brightest,
the
flints should be daily
hoof,in a curvet amongst
by Pegasus'own
in this
But
of a recorder !
and
hourly lost to the world for want
has been discovered
drawing-paper
Century of Inventions,when a self-acting

Wordsworth's

ring at

runaway

Peter

off

Bell.

ticklesome,but

"

"

"

for
*

On

visit to

knows

who
copying visible objects,

vulgarlycalled,was
in the vicinityof

Norfolk, I
quite in

use

the Fens.

It is

not

in

the

that

future

Opium, or Opie, aa itWM

pills
amongst the lower classes,

find that

surprisedto

much

was
common

but

form

of

probablethat

persons
Dennis

in such

rank

of life had

driven
Confessions, or, might
Heath, so the Fenprospects of Muckslush
by the stale flat and unprofitable
had flown
of Cambridge and Lincolnshire,
People in the dreary foggycloggyboggy wastes

read the
to

to

not

"

one

suspect that

as

Brulgrudderywas

drink

the

Drug

Historian

for the sake

of the

magnificentscenery

that filled the

splendidvisions

of its

560

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

Niepce,or Daguerre,or Herschel, or Fox Talbot, may find out

it hears !
to repeat whatever
sort of Boswellish writing-paper
There

before

rise up

shades

Contributors

other

are

me

justdescribed.
dead

are

some

"

exclaimed
print,

of

the

gone, when
round the same

assembled
out

whose

"

tainments
at the Enter-

them

anywhere again?
days of Social

meet

ever

we

with

met

never

instance

for

dispersed
; and the

and the rest

and

over

are

but I

Shall

Hazlitt

poor

"

some

and

Professors

! who's

Lads

of Literature

Patrons

steamingbowl, and

Alas

Clubs

Johnson,always

for Poonch

best

"

who came
to Colebrooke
Cottage,I had
Amongst other notable men
first
twice the good fortune of meeting with S. T. Coleridge.The
dine
with
Charles
from Highgatewith Mrs. Oilman, to
time he came
"

and

Mary."

his

waving

What

hair,and his
Apropos to

white

Friar's !

holy

of
description

to Lamb

contrast

which

of his

barometer, to indicate the state

made
temporary stir,out
any
request from

round, ruddy,and

face

face

Poet,with

unfurrowed

he

the

came

the artist for another

popularity.So
canvas

: down
sitting

as

sure

the

on

sort

his

of

name

easel,and

sank the

as

humorous

gave us a
him
for
served
that
portrait,

unfinished

an

the full-bodied

was

in
Original

till soma
went
the copy
a
corner,
publicnotice,and
the Poet; and
accident againbrought forward
fresh publication
or
I sincerely
for a few more
touches.
then forth came
the picture
hope
What
!
it
face
it has been
finished ! What
a
was
a benign,
smiling
! What
as I watched
a model,methought,
figure
comfortable,
respectable
for a Christian bishop! But he
and admired the
Old Man
eloquent,"
orthodox
enough to be trusted with a mitre.
was, perhaps,scarcely
of his voluntaries would
have frightened
common
At least,some
a
of
other
from
their
matters
propriety.
Amongst
everydaycongregation
into

back

the

"

he
discourse,
form

persons

are

of

no

to the loss

who

persons
a

the

Heaven

literal-minded
strangenotions some
mere
; joys they associated with

in this
no
delight
part,finding
without a changein his nature,
bliss hereafter,
he said,
of his personalidentity. For instance,

which, for his

could find

tantamount
there

joys of

of the

in
temporalthings,

world,he

speak of

to

came

place the

own

beatitude
angelical

whole

pair of wings to flapabout

poultry." After dinner he got up, and

his hands behind his back, talkingand

with, like

"

sort

began pacing to and

in the possession

of celestial
fro,with

laughingly
for an
itinerant preacher; now
hinted, as if qualifying
fetchinga
and
then
simile from Loddiges'
at
flyingoff for an
garden, Hackney ;
his fine,flowing
With
illustration to the sugar-makingin Jamaica.
it
of
the
still-beginning
voice, was
gloriousmusic,
never-ending,
in the
It was
kind ; and you did not wish it to end.
as
rare
flying,
walking,as

Lamb

"

"

Nassau
own

you

knew

not

Marinere, he
bright-eyed

let you

been

Balloon

go.

To

attempt

Like
did you care.
spellin his voice that would

whither, nor

had

to describe my

carried,
spiralling,
up to heaven

by

own
a

his
not

feelingafterward,I had

whirlwind

intertwisted with

562

RFMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

found

are

in the manner,

yourselfup,
My

and

send

me

dear

love

to

Charles

! so, Mr.

the

lawyers say
line,by way of
a
Mary. God bless

as

token

hang
ment.
acknowledg-

and

and

you

Unsham-

your

abramizer,
S. T. Coleridge."

here, that instead

be mentioned

It may

"

of

unpleasance at beingAddressed
presentedto the Authors,

an

Hunt

Mr.

From

times,for

operationat

all

"the

accident

moving

I called
with
for

not

was

found

and

him,

upon

bit of

garden,and

as

sent

He

its revenges.

celebrated

once
"

Permanent

invitation to dinner.

an

Enfield

Chase,

painful
misapplied Wordsworth,
feelingly
his trade."
As soon
as he was
settled,
him in a bald-looking
yellowishhouse,
to

"

nest convanient,as
wasp*'s

the Irish say,

Lamb
door.
he stood at
laughed at
pony
of
time
clown
the
whirligig
broughtround
says,
was
one
day banteringmy wife on her dread of
the

all at

when

wasps,

the

infinitesimal

he

stung my
; but, as the

one

the fun

Odes,

bottle of his best

removed

Lamb

Colebrooke,

in the

Kitchiner

the eccentric Doctor

Ink," and

"

feeling the

of

he

once

uttered

horrible

shout,
"

wounded

specimen of the specieshad slilycrawled up the legof the table,and

I.told him it was
a refutation well put in,
stung him in the thumb.
said
like Smollett's timely snowball.
Yes,"
he, and a stinging
"

"

commentary

Macbeth

on

"

"

Bt/ the pricking of my

Something wicked
There
There
would

doubt
been

have

comes,"

pastoral
yearningsconcerned in
which of CaptainMorris's Town

no

were

is no

thumbs,

this wag

most

would
Pall-Mall,"

have

to Lamb's

"

taste.

and

Country Songs,
shady side of
to
a
friend,he
courtesy

The

In

carried it hollow.

this Enfield removal.

sweet

green lane for a ramble,but left to himself,he took the

"
Scott," says Cunningham,
turnpike road as often as otherwise.
would

"

select

was

Distances, not
"

Nojv

I have

in these

walker."

stout

matches

delivered

to

againstMeux,
cheerful and

not

porter

of

He

calculated

Beer

Measure.

one.

Ale

and

I have

accompanied him

sharing in

without

talk
profitable

orallythe substance

me

in
Imagination

was

by Long Measure, but by

walked a pint." Many a time

then, what

and

Lamb

the

For

Essay

the

stake,

instance,he
on

once

the Defect

of

in the Athenaeum.
Artists,
subsequently
printed
But besides the criticism,
snatches
of old poems, golden
there were
of
and
lines and sentences
culled from rare
anecdotes of men
books,
note.
Marry, it was like going a ramble with gentleIzaak Walton,

minus
To

act

the

fishing.

make

these excursions

Lamb

never

the Grand

respect,which
of the

Modern

mere

of my
to one
ment.
temperadelightful
did
he ever
spuriousgravity.Neither

more

affected any
did
He

Senior.

not

exact

asinine persons would

As
length of their years.
some

that

common

fain command
what
if,forsooth,

copy-book
on

account

is bad

in

LITERARY

could
itself,

503

REMINISCENCES.

be the better for

keeping;

if intellects alreadymothery^

as

got anythingbut grandmother^ by lapseof lime ! In this particular,

he was
opposed to Southey,or rather (forSouth ey has been opposed
to
himself),

to

his Poem
So

So

my youth
thoughtless
throng;

would

More

"

He

was

laggedbehind
than

younger

himself.
in

thought that,
However,

without

well

"

met

and

made

never

gay

the contrary,at

to

like the

standing

pitch a mischievous stone to disturb the

and
boy-man," as he trulysaid of Elia ;
his years." He
liked to herd with people
Perhaps, in his fine generalizing
he
way,
"

relation

Eternity,we

to

feel,in

me

account, very
asserted

that

dog Dash,

my
the

chased

dog-days,had

in

remember,
pompously, by

"

Hail

quarter of

"

never

walk

strolls,
being

our

proprietorof

who

fellow,
century,

takinga

was

of

one

the

contemporaries.

always

excursions,that

our

all

are

reckoningbirthdays,it was
althoughhe was my elder by

schoolmaster."

the

Yilla,who
his

and

they.

the first to

was

manners

with

grave

the young

among

than

"

duck-weed.

called

seem

among

On
nothingof Sir Oracle about Lamb.
solemn
that
creamed
and
mantled
visage

pool," he

he

appear

was

sightof

his

Holly Tree.

serious should

The

There

the

on

Enfield

an

hunted

anythingin
takingthe dog's

Elia

sheep; whereupon,
emphatically, Hunt Lambs., sir ? Why he has never
But he was
always ready for fun, intellectual or practical
D
to
a modern
Dennis, with puns;
now
helping pelt *****,
and
God bless her ! by a vox
then to persuade his sister,
et preterea
the
deaf
adder.
In
as
an
same
as
spirit,
nihil,that she was
being
of
his
take
flock
to
for a
Schoolmaster
a
requestedby young
charge
he willingly
absence
of the Principal,"
day, during the unavoidable
his
of
brief
made
other
the
but
undertook
no
use
authority
charge,
than to givethe boys a whole
holiday.
I was
stitute
subAs Elia suppliedthe place of the Pedagogue,so
once
in the Gem, was
A prose article,
not from
himself.
for Lamb
had promised a contribution,
He
his hand, though it bore his name.
"

part, said very

hunted me!"
"

"

"

"

for

him, and

It will be
"

seen

Dear
We
and

Tragedy

"

dine
her two

may

be

Widow

"

taken

forgerywas

You
at

the

was

that the

Lamb,

secret.

Sarah

the result

Ayrton's
beds

d,

so

"

on

for

in

not

you

something

of his

manner.

good part.

Thursday, and
that night only.

may

write

in imitation

impudent varlet,but

an

are

spare
d

I should

suggestedthat

sister

being unwell, his

but

and

I will
shall
Miss

your

keep
to

your
find

and

her

try
M.

Health

rib.

Yours,

attend you.

T. PIood, Esq.

Enfield.
Miss

BridgetHood

How

many

of

whilst thinkingof

such

sends love."

pleasantreminiscences

him,

like secret

revive in my

writingbroughtout

by

memory,

the

kindly

564

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

they must be deferred to leave me time and

in its widest sense,
for example,his charity,

But

of the fire !

wannth

space for other attributes

in judgment
the moderation
"

which,

seemed

what

his

in

good

the
conversation,

havingimpaired

my
in
story my own

the

bury

to

He

If he

was

have

been

Rabelais,)of the
warrant
scriptural

evil-speaking,

hated

occasion

having slippedout an
during a very confidential

literary
man,

under

man

eyes.

one

with

moment,

next

even

each

own

On

and petty scandal.

carping,
anecdote,to the discredit of

the Silken

would

in the fiction of

save
existed,
(if the foundation
where
of
order
Thelemites,
Utopian

did

He

of Intolerance.

had

"

is

says,

of all Virtues."

Chain

through the Pearl

Stringrunning
it was
intolerant
of anything,

Miller

as

expressionof

an

opinionof the

In another

bosom.

for

remorse,

party, he bound

solemnly

me

he characteristically

case

of a censorious neighbour. Some

spirit
backbiting
him, in expectationof an ill-natured comment,
telling

rebuked

the

Mrs.

Candour

that

Miss

*, the teacher
she

"Has

publican.

so?"

Ladies'

the

at

School, had

"then

said Lamb,

married

I'll have

beer

my

there !"
As

to his

Elia)with
for

thence
"

One

its usefulness.

the

at

of the

end

proceededto

Keep

your

in truth

And

great miser.

power,

that

of
in a pecuniarysense, he passed (saysLamb
liberality,
but
settled
moderate
a
some
income,
people,throughhaving

hand

of

out

me

your

the

knew

nighthe

January

late year

read

he

had

he

been

serio-comic
Pocket."

value

told

of money,

me

able to

lecture

The

its

with

"

the

on

truth

greatglee
lay by and
text, of
like

is.Lamb,

tempore, what

of his sympathies,could
feel,pro
universality
belongedto the character of a Gripe-all. The reader

will remember

his

Shakspeare,in

the

capitalnote

in the

"

Dramatic

Specimens,"on

"

the

Misers,in consequence of the Platonic nature of an afiection

instead
of
for Money," since Money
was
representedby ^'"Jtimsies"
dollars and doubloons,and
the good old solid sonorous
substantial coin,
and
that might be handled,and hugged,and rattled,
piecesof eight,
he
for
attributed
this
kissed.
But
to
perhaps
passion hoarding one day
A
he
a grand personifia
said, is sometimes
cation
new
Miser,"
origin.
he
is
not conHe has a fine horror of Poverty. And
of Fear.
tent
from the door, or at arm's length, but he places
to keep Want
Such
was
it,by heapingwealth upon wealth, at a sublime distance !
his theory : now
for his practice. Amongst his other guests,you
saw
an
elderlylady, formal, fair,and flaxen-wigged,
occasionally
doll, and she did visit
lookingremarkably like an animated wax
"When
she
St. Dunstan's.
at a toyshop near
some
or
friends,
relations,
defect in her
spoke,it was as if by an artificialapparatus,throughsome
in
her
occasioned
and
twist
she
had a slight
a
palate,and
limp
figure,
wich
GreenHannah
More
have
said ! by running down
what would
decline of

"

"

"

"

"

"

"

Hill!
"

hardly
allowed

and

have

This
on

antiquatedpersonage
this

been

Lamb's

consideration,though
retrospective

taught him

her in her

had

more

than

to

a yearlysum,
decline,

read

his native

equal to

"

what

mistress
Schoolshe

could

tongue

"

he

shall I say ?

LITERARY

665

RBMINISCENCES.

to the

"

stipendwhich some persons of fortune deem

services of an all-accomplished
gentlewoman in

active

their children.

Such

Say, thirtypounds

Charles

was

of
principle

Lamb.

he
antagonising,

opposite of Crabbe;
Byron ; in Prose,of
and

in

in

the last

subtle

too

to survive

levityof

wit

Novelist

new

of it

Of

Agnew.
occurred
much

too

occasion.

of his puns contained

he seemed
not
Falstaff,

the

only witty

himself

pick up
Lamb's

"

own

"

do you think,"asked
in Stowe
Gardens ?
Answer
'

It is

now

was

I shed

no

were

for

of

"

criticism.

called

not

died young.

not

in

have

'

Day

and

above
of him

still more
and

will still be extant

had

much
die

could not

"

man,

the

him

watched

but
over

him

left behind

fellowshipwith

owns

man

had

all,however
that

survive
had

which

care

He

but
selfishness,

prayed to

Finallyhe

little child.
"

Lamb

that tender

should miss

legacy!

rare

had

who
sister,

He

noble

that

would
unique afi*ection,

departed,there w^as
Humanity endures
Charles

particularly

as

and

ill be-stowed."

"

comfort.

of

before

day, lest he
upwards from

works,

me

other mourners
in
ago, since I stood with
all that was
mortal
beside a grave in which

sources

happily gone
devotion

eggs

good fortune

my

of the book

he,

Yard,
deposited. It may be a dangerousconfession to make, but
There
did a sighescape from my bosom.
tear ; and scarcely

many

him

"

Church

of Elia

somebody,
A Day
:

laysher

five years

some

Edmonton

once

M.'s

What

said

Ostrich

and it struck
foundlings,
a
style,containingat once
pun

of Mr.

one

the

essays.
but the

isM******"

goes about droppinghis goodthingsas an

It was
without caring
of them."
what becomes
in

voured
endea-

brevitywithout
of whole

who

to

in

the germs

There

in others.

by example

own

nature, the

the spiritof his

; but
to the circumstances
of

married
had

his

his wit I have

to me

They

of

Poetry,of Lord
of Kant ;
Philosophy,

in

some

"

Moreover, like
occasion

and

the

of human

Criticism,of Gifford;

givesuch samples as

sayingswas
the time

his character,on

up

in his views

was,

the education

annum

per

sum

of Sir Andrew
Religion,
to

*'

To

sufficient for the

had

of him
for
the

his

longas

as

spiritof

******

On
were

and Addresses, presentation

of the Odes
copies
publication
of a friend,to' Mr. Canning and Sir Walter
sent, at the suggestion
the

took

minister

The

Scott.

kind

novelist did,in his usual

to me,

made

once

the paper,

number

notice

no

these

And
That

of

but

eccentric friend in

"c.,
colons,semicolons,

you

are

may

pointsthat

my

put

no
surprise
one, to observe
little leisure for punctuation.

Walter

of the

Odes

Scott
to

has to make

Great

placeat

the

writing

at the bottom

of

the foot

stops that T can't stop

It will

copy

An

manner.

little volume;

the

adding
"

"Sir

of

to

that the author

thankful

People with

put."
of

Waverley

had

acknowledgmentsfor

which

he

was

as

the

favoured and

566

REMINISCENCES.

LITERARY

d Melrose
Abbots/or

The

first time

of

one

Mrs.

May"

saw

the
'*

of

Picture

Unknown, was
Nineveh," when, by

allusion to

an

"

in

My

Mr.

dear

did

you

Hood,

great pleasurethis

of

one

as

answer

was

incident
piercing

write

to

to

contains

:
partialities
"

very

oddities to

and

whims

I received with

me

and

of your
kindness
it
letter in the country which

and

only my
delayed my

was

address

forgotthe

favoured

occasion

mark

new

volume

leavingyour

private

dence,
coincistriking

which
letter,
following

the

was

was

to inscribe your

me

the

in me
to leave you
ungracious
with
otherwise
the honour
or
gratified

It

"

whether

day'sdoubt

I received

of his characteristic

some

of

our
greatestmen,
simultaneouslyup opposite
hands in front of the painting.

whom

"Walter,from

perusal.

livelyvein

at

"

and met and shook

sides of the room,
As Editor of the Gem, I had
afterwards
Sir

his

Great

celebrated women,
and
Scott walked
Sir Walter

and

the

good fortune and whatever

encourage

most

our

Siddons

Ath

ever

of Martin's

view

from

satire

humorous

inoffensive and

support and

best

good thingscan

other

good health

author

the unknown

wishes

He

he has received

the amusement

for
particularly

more

with

Mr.

beautiful

Cooper s

of the dead

greyhoundwhich

sketch

of

is executed

the
with

hearta

force

I flatter myself that I w^ho was

in my
days
younger
and
lover
of
and
horses
still
accurate
an
am
a great
dogs
part
observer
of their habits can
appreciate. I intend the instant our term

and

fancy which

and

in

ends to send

few

expect

to be in

though I fear I will be

subject.I

am

very

Edinburgh
At

It

mentioned

the

he said,for he
his

of

Sir

number

week
next
purpose
Mr. Cooper of my

dog

an

area,

circumstance
was

very
with

fond

him,

to

of

Scott."

escaped my
without

be

but

he
"

London,

told him

did
for

I had

reminded

of

in
Lockhart'*s,

Mr.

the wrong
one.
It was
not
Sir Walter.

about

I then

had

the honour

I had

at

I knocked

dogs;

tion
inten-

servant

Scott

house

when

anything deservingof the

London,

Walter

of the

down

for Bill Gibbons."

Fair Maid

his visits to

happened, however, to

animals

own

taken

The

fine

the door.

do

to

in acknowledgment.

years

Walter

with

interview

a
seeing

unable

my

4 March

Place.

Sussex
but

at

any

trulyyour obligedhumble

last,during one

personal

make

can

got a day'sleisure for this

the country
Pray inform

I will
I

if I

verses

not

fear

memory

hesitation at
I afterwards
a

bad

he

point,

to

care

have

should

latelybeen

be

reading

very pleasant
of
day spent many years before,beside the Linn of Campsie, the scene
Conachar's catastrophe.Perhapshe divined what had reallyoccurred
that the Linn, as a cataract, had greatly
to me,
disappointedme ;
and
shook
had since seen
he
said
he
his head archly,and
for
srailed,

the

"

of

Perth, which

had

me

of

LITERARY

it himself,and
have

done

there

was

smiled

rather

was

than

worse
none

In the

of Kent's

the
noticing

of

in

now,

But

before

he

fine massive

put

fear,Mr. Hood, I

a
finding
Monasterywhere
was
plenty(here he

there

though

"

Thistle."

his toilet,
in
finishing

was

and

of it.

Bcnedictus,or Holy

time he

mean

Duchess

before

found

Carduus

again)of

ashamed

that
be

to

567

REMINISCENCES.

order to dine at the

his cravat

on

I had

an

his bust.

proportionsof

tunity
oppor-

It served

theory that sucli mighty men

be,
are, and must
as
as
intellectually,
physically,
giftedbeyond ordinarymortals ;
be backed
must
that their strong minds
bering
Rememby strong bodies.
Scott had done, and all that he had sufi*ered,
all that Sir Walter
to confirm

in my
well

me

methought

had

he

After

Land."
asked

gladto

at

me

see

that

head

in my

ever

in

than

more

"

sense

one

the

in
conversation,

more

some

if I

me

been

Giant

course

in

the

which

of

he

Scotland,and kindly said he should be

dreams
Abbotsford,I took my leave,with flattering
to

came

never

and

were,

now,

alas !

be, realised !

can

never

*****

And

gentlereader, to present

to

Thou'rt

"

comical

I want, and

just what

to raise
at Bedfont
owe

A.

"

in my

"

wishes

to

of
feelings

James

of the
'

by

knows

you

You'll
the

hope. Perhaps,if
at your

there's
this county. Now
whom
drugs and against

"

enter, but who's

fit for

more

no

v(dlljustgivehim
to

me

shall

a palpable
by post,directed to

ever

be

remembered

i^
deepest sincerityand gratitude.His name
If you
disapprove
Chemist,' Bedfont
of course.

Booker,
above, I trust
He

"

the

SPLITTING.'

him.

I'lltell you
vouring
has been endea-

you)

Of late.Lord

more.

in
of yeomanry
compounderof nauseous

"

I would

power

body

me,

I ; but thou possessest

brains competent
therefore Brother
Comic
I don't

B., Post Office,Bedfont, your kindness

with
'

mean

am

if you
I for a punster.
transmit them
in verse, and

two

or

so

allow

followinggenuine letter,the
beingdisguised.

Now

than
fighter
hit

no

grudge,who

"

(if'twas

obligeme

wilt thou

write what

to

man

chap

melancholy a tone,

Hood, Esq.

T.

To

too

the

you

obvious reasons,

merely,for

names,

in

conclude

to

not

now,

you

will not

say, how

abuse
can

handwritingfull
feel a

first convenience,ere

placedin you,
by showing this letter to

the confidence
I ?

"

well

"

but

you'llnot

do

so,

you will do
stale.
will be getting

to oblige
disposition
me,

the matter

Yours

I
so

truly,
A. B.

have
will be kind enough to let me
you
accede
to
to
condescend
if you will not
my
He's
sufficient particulars.
not

Perhaps
you,

even

the

two

of Miss
possession

answer

from

wish.
little

fellow,
preciousugly, housekeeper as ugly, lives
nose,
Peacock
Inns, is a singleman,
very anxious to get
Boltbee, a ward in Chancery with somethinglike

Perhaps you've
flushed face, long
between

an

LITERARY

REMINISCENCES.

9000^.

(wish he may get it),is famous for his Gout Medicine, sells
him
swallow
an
ounce),always knows
jalap (should like to make
other people's
business better than his own, used to go to church, now
goes to chapel,and in the whole, is a greatrascal.
Bedfont

is thirteen miles

from

London."

(AWJH.
TRSSERVED

IN

THE

SPIRITS.

END.

LOfWON'.

RRftDBURY

AND

KVANS,

PRINTERS,

WHITKrWAIia.