Copyright 2008 Christopher Hails

Recycled

RECYCLED
Aoneactadultcomedy
by
ChristopherHails

Tel0035725943534
Mobile0035799167643
EMail:chails@talk21.com

2008ChristopherHails

Copyright

Thisplaywasdownloadedfreefromwww.scriptcircle.co.ukand
doesnotconferperformingrights.Licencescanbeobtained
fromthewebsite.

Copyright 2008 Christopher Hails

Recycled

SYNOPSISANDPRODUCTIONNOTES
WhenBazWatsonwinsa"HaveADirtyWeekendOnUs"
competitionrunbyapopularlad'smagazine,his
prizeisaweekendfortwoatahitechcottageat
asecretlocation.Kate,theirmodelofthemonth,
ishispartner,plustheserialisationrightsof
theirexploitsaspartofthepackage.
Unfortunately,hisfather,Barrysenior,also
enteredacompetitioninamatureadultmagazine
andwaschosenbytheirmodeloftheyear,"Big
BeautifulBettyfromBrighton"tospendan
extremelyfilthyweekend,alsoatasecret
location.
Bazarrivesatthewrongcottageandisconfronted
byallthingsecofriendlyandrecycled,rightdown
tomakinghisownbedhammerandnailsincluded.
HisnightmarebeginswhenhemeetsAlice(Betty),
whoisdefinitelymorethanecofriendly.What's
becomeofhisdadandKate?Justasthingscouldn't
getanyworse,anEcofriendly,Greencouple
arrive,toindulgeinanenvironmentallyfriendly
wifeswappingweekend.Thehusbandhoweverhasjust
announcedhe'sgayafterseeingBaz'sphotographs
inthemagazine.Innuendoanddoubleentendre
abound.Fastpacedactioninpartsisrequired.

CASTOFCHARACTERS(3F3M)
BAZ:

Twenties.(ATHLETICBODYANDUPFORIT)

ALICE:

Fifties.(VOLUPTUOUSANDASEDUCTRESS)

SHARON:

Thirties.(VOLUPTUOUSANDHASAGOTHICLOOK}

KEVIN:

Thirties.(CAMP)

KATE:

Twenties.(FITBODYANDKNOWSIT)

BARRY:

Fifties.(CYNICAL,SERIOUSANDSACASTIC)

PRODUCTIONNOTES
Anopenstagewithallthingsrecyclablescattered
aroundthelivingroom,includingasofa,a
sideboard,chairsandalltheitemsreferredtoin
thesetdressing.Thecharacters(forgivethepun)

Copyright 2008 Christopher Hails

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speakforthemselves.(Mimedswearingorno
swearingatalloptional)

Copyright 2008 Christopher Hails

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ACT1
SCENE:THESPARSELIVINGROOMOFA
COTTAGE.ITISEARLYFRIDAYEVENING.
THETIME,THEPRESENT
SETDRESSING:ANAUSTERELIVINGROOM
FULLOFRECYCLEDANDECOFRIENDLY
ITEMS.UCISASIDEBOARD.ONTOPISA
WATERINGCAN,PLASTICBUCKET,TWO
SWEETSJARSCONTAININGSAWDUST,APILE
OFNEWSPAPERS,AHAMMERANDABAGOF
NAILS,ABOXOFBUTCHERSKNIVES,SAW
ANDAFILEMARKED"COTTAGERULES".AT
STAGERIGHTOFTHESIDEBOARDARE
SEVERALPLANKSOFWOODSTACKEDUPRIGHT
AGAINSTTHESIDEANDASLEDGEHAMMER.
TWOLARGEPLASTICBAGSCONTAINING
FEATHERSARENEXTTOTHEPLANKS.CSIS
ASOFA.CLISANARMCHAIR.
SCENEACTION:BAZENTERSLEFTCARRYING
AWEEKENDBAGANDASIXPACKOFLAGER
INAPLASTICBAG.HE'SONHISMOBILE
PHONE.HE'SWEARINGTIGHTJEANSANDA
FIGUREHUGGINGTSHIRT.HE'SWELL
GROOMEDWITHFACIALSTUBBLE.
BAZ:

Yes,thetaxihasjustdroppedmeoffattheendof
thelane...it'sasecretlocation,youmuppet...
Cheersmate.I'llringyoufirstthingMonday
morningunlessI'minintensivecare...Okay,soI'm
aluckymuckybugger...Somemenhaveit,somemen
don't.I'mluckytohaveitall...Yes,Iwon't
forgetabouttheauditiononMondayafternoon
bye.
HEPUTSTHEPHONEINHISPOCKETAND
LOOKSROUNDINAMAZEMENT,DROPSHIS
BAG.HEISAGOGANDLOOKSTOTHE
AUDIENCE.
(MIMES/WHISPERS)Whatthefuck...!

Copyright 2008 Christopher Hails

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HEGOESTOTHESIDEBOARDPUTSDOWNHIS
LAGERANDPICKSUPALARGEPLASTIC
BUCKETWITHTHEWORDS"ENSUITETOILET"
PRINTEDONTHESIDEANDTAKESOUTAPAD
OFNEWSPAPERSHEETSTIEDWITHSTRING.
HELOOKSATITANDSHAKESHISHEAD.

BAZ:

TheQueensCoronation!(MIMES/WHISPERS)EnSuite
fuckingtoilet!(NORMAL)Ohmygod,thatisgross!
HEPUTSITDOWNANDPICKSUPAWATERING
CANWITHTHEWORDS"ENSUITESHOWER"ON
THESIDE.HETAKESOUTWHATLOOKSLIKE
ABAROFSOAP,RAISESTHEWATERINGCAN
ABOVEHISHEADANDGESTURESASTHOUGH
HEISSOAPINGHIMSELFUNDERHISARM,HE
DROPSTHESOAPINTHECANANDSHAKES
HISHEADANDPUTITONTHESIDEBOARD.
(MIMES/WHISPERS)EnSuitefuckingshower!(NORMAL)
Ididn'tknowtherewasawatershortagearound
here.
OFFRIGHTACOCKCROWS.HELOOKSATHIS
WATCH.
It'sonlybloodyeighto'clockatnight.Whatthe
hellisgoingon?(HECONTINUESTOLOOKROUNDIN
AMAZEMENTANDPICKSUPAFILEOFFTHESIDEBOARD
MARKED"COTTAGERULES,"WHICHHEOPENSREADSAND
WALKSABOUT.RuleSeven:Showerwithyourpartner
orthemanorwomanyou'vejustlaidwith.Ohhow
posh.What!Remembertwomaybecompany,butthrees
moreinterestingandfourisseventhheaven.What
anethos.(HELOOKSAROUND)Bloodyhellwhatis
thisplace?RuleEight:Activatetheseparatorin
theupstairstoiletpriortoevacuation,byusing
twojamjarmeasuresofsawdust.IthinkI'mgoing
tobesick.RuleEight:Instructionsforthe
slaughteroflivestockmustbestrictlyadheredto,
inlinewithcurrentEECregulations.Cleanall
knivesafterslaughter.Ohmygod.(THEN)Whatthe
hellhaveIwon?

Copyright 2008 Christopher Hails

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HETAKESACANFROMTHESIXPACK,OPENS
IT,TAKESASIP,TAKESOUTHISMOBILE
PHONE,PRESSESAKEYANDPUTSITTOHIS
EAR.HECONTINUESTOWALKROUND.

Hello,itsBazWatson,Iwonthe"HaveAFilthy
WeekendOnUs"competition...ereyesIam"Larryin
Leathers,"...Yes,yes,IsupposeIamalucky
bastardandnoI'mnotgay....What!Ilookedgay
inthephotographs...Iamnotgay...andnoI'm
nothomophobic...someofmybestfriendsare
gay...it'snotaproblem...noI'mnotalatent
homosexualandI'mnotindenial.Listensunshine,
I'matunnelmannotafunnelman...justputme
throughtothe
BAZ:

dutyeditorof"UpandReady"magazine...What,he's
notin...!They'veclosedfortheweekend.They
can'tbe;theirmissionstatementis:up,readyand
rampantforanything24/7...What!Mondaybloody
morning...whataboutanoutsidehourscontact
numberincaseofbreakingnews...?Comeoffit,
youmeantotellmeIcan'tspeaktoanybodytill
then...Greatjustgreat,thanksfornothingand
forthesecondtimeI'mnotgay...Ohdidyou.Well
thanksforvotingformeunderassumednamesa
hundredtimes...Noyoucan'thavemysequinned
leatherposingpouchormyshockingpurplevelvet
jockstrap...Iwasonlybloodyactinginthe
photographs.Welldreamonandgoodbye.(THEN)Oh
god,IhopeI'mnotbecomingagayicon.(HEPUTS
THEPHONEINHISPOCKETANDSHAKESHISHEAD)Imust
havecometothewrongcottage.Thisisweird.I
can'thavewonaGreenweekendfortwo.
THESOUNDOFATOILETBEINGHALF
FLUSHEDISHEARDOFFRIGHT.HESMILES
THENGRIMACES.
Kate!Thankgodshe'shere.Youhadmegoingfora
moment.Mustbeherlittlejokebeforewebothget
downtoit,deepanddirty.(SHOUTING)Hi,it'sBaz
Watson.Comeondown.Itdoesexactlywhatitsays
onthecanI'mupandready.(HEGYRATESHIS
HIPS)(NORMAL)Theweekendstartshereyouhot
littlepieceofarse.(SHOUTING)GotallyourDVD's
andI'vebeenpracticingreligiouslyforthelast
week.I'vebroughtyourfavouritebodyoilanda
fewpresents.(NORMAL)Somebodystopme!
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ALICE:

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(OFFANDSHOUTING)Ican'twaitBarry,Iwon'tbea
sec.Thetoiletwon'tflushproperly;thewater
musthavebeenturnedoff.
HELOOKSATTHEBUCKETONTHESIDEBOARD
ANDCRINGES.
(OFFANDSHOUTING)It'sAliceImeanBetty.

BAZ:

(ASTOUNDED)What!(MIMES/WHISPERS)Whothefuck
isAlice?WhothefuckisBetty?(NORMAL)I've
definitelycometothewrongplace.Ohmygod!I
can'tunderstandit.Ifollowedtheinstructionsto
theletter.
HETAKESASIPOFHISLAGERPUTSITON
THESIDEBOARDANDCROUCHESBEHINDTHE
ARMCHAIR,MIDCENTRELEFT.ALICEENTERS
RIGHT.SHE'SAVOLUPTUOUSFIFTY
SOMETHINGWEARINGAFIGUREHUGGING
SKIRTANDJACKET,WHITEBLOUSE,(TOP
THREEBUTTONSUNDONEEXPOSINGCLEAVAGE)
BLACKBRA,BLACKHOLDUPSTOCKINGS,RED
SHOES,ABLONDEWIG,RUBYREDLIPSTICK
ANDHEAVILYMADEUPEYES.SHETAKESOFF
THEJACKETANDFLINGSONTHESOFA.HE
GRIMACES.SHEPUSHESOUTHERBREASTS.

ALICE:

Betyourememberthesecoupleofbeautiesfrommy
centrefoldspread.Comeoutwhereveryouare,
there'splentytogoround.
HEGRIMACES.SHELOOKSAROUND
EXPECTANTLY.
ComeonBarrydon'tbeshy.You'remyprizeandI'm
yours.Soyoulikegamesdoyou?I'mgameifyou
are.We'redefinitelyonthesamewavelength.You
wantwhatI'vegotandyou'vegotwhatIwant.You
toldmeallaboutyourlittlefetishesinyour
letter.

BAZ:

(MIMES)Letter!Whatfuckingletter?
HECRINGESBEHINDTHECHAIR.

ALICE:

Ifyou'reavirgin,it'sallright.We'veallbeen
there,andit'sallpartofgrowingup.Someare
latestartersandsomeareearlystarters.Atleast
you'llbeingoodhands.(THEN)Letmeassureyou,
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you'llleavehereonMondaymorning,theKingof
Princesandamanoftheworld.
BAZ:

(MIMES)Virgin!Meavirgin!
STILLCRINGING.HEPOPSHISHEADOVER
THEARMCHAIR,WIGGLESHISFINGERSON
HISLEFTHAND,STANDSANDLOOKSATHER
INAMAZEMENT.
Hi!Ere.(PAUSE)Ohmygod,no!It'syou!

ALICE:

That'sright.WhoelsecouldIbe?
SHEGOESTOSHAKEHISHAND.HEMOVES
AWAY.

BAZ:

I'mnotfallingforthatoldtrick.

ALICE:

I'mnotgoingtohurtyou.Iworkincustomercare
atahotel.

BAZ

I'mnotyourcustomerandIcare.

ALICE:

(SMILING)Soyou're"LarryinLeathers"fromthe
centrespreadin"UpandReady"magazine.

BAZ:

BigBeautifulBetty!I'vedefinitelycometothe
wrongcottage.

ALICE:

HowdoyouknowI'mBetty?

BAZ:

HowdoyouknowI'mLarry?

ALICE:

Myson'sgayandIcleanhisbedroom.Thankgod
he'sgettingmarriednextmonth.Youwerehislove
god.Hewenttosleepholdingyourpictureinone
hand.

BAZ:

(HEGRIMACES)Hedidwhat!

ALICE:

Andthat.Hewasbesottedandbesidehimselfand
eventhinkingaboutstalkingyou.Thankgodhemet
Albertinthenickoftime.They'resettingupa
gaycommuneinMidWales.

BAZ:

Really;thatisarelief.(THEN)Ere,dadandI,
weere,sortofswapmagazineslikemendo,you
know.Weallhavedifferenttastes.It'saman
thingyouknow.(LAUGHINGNERVOUSLY)Iwasjust
curiousreally.Womenfascinateme.
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ALICE:

Anyexcuseforaquick...

BAZ:

(CUTTINGIN)No,no,no.Mydad'sabigfanof
"AgedtoPerfection,"sincemomranoffwiththe
milkman.

ALICE:

Ididn'tthinktherewereanymilkmenleft.

BAZ:

Ithinkmomgotthelastone.

ALICE:

Adyingbreed.Well,fancymeetingyouinthe
flesh.

BAZ:

Andyou.I'dneverdreamtinamillionyearsI'dbe
inthesameroomas"MrsAgedtoPerfection2008,"
chattingidly.
SHEAPPROACHESHIM,LOOKINGHIMUPAND
DOWNANDOCCASIONALLYTOUCHINGHIM.HE
MOVESAROUNDTHEROOMEVERYTIMESHE
GETSNEAR,FINALLYSITTINGONTHESOFA.

ALICE:

Oridlychatting.

BAZ:

(NERVOUSLY)Quite.

ALICE:

See,dreamsdocometrue.Youlookdifferent?You
looksomucholderandfirmerwithyourclotheson.
Youhaveitinallrightplaces.

BAZ:

Ere,sodoyou.Oops,sorry.Ohgod.Ithinkwe're
atcrosspurposes.

ALICE:

Arewe.Surelynot?

BAZ:

Thankgoodnessforthat.ForamomentIthoughtyou
weregoingtoclaimmeasyourprize.

ALICE:

Iam.

BAZ:

No,no,no.I'mnotyourprize.There'sbeensome
terriblecockup,ereImeanmistake.I'mhereto
claimmyprizeofafilthyweekendwiththegirlof
mydreams.

ALICE:

IknowandI'mit.Justacceptit.Tellmewhatyou
dreamtaboutandI'llmakeitcometrue.

BAZ:

I,I.Ere.

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ALICE:

Spititoutthen.I'vehadsomesleeplessnights
thinkingaboutthisweekend.I'vetossedandturned
forthelastsevennightsinanticipation,
expectationandultimategratification.

BAZ:

SohaveI,andnowit'sturningintoanightmare.

ALICE:

Harrywaseversorestless.Ihadtoreassurehim
itwasonlyfortheweekend.Icuddledhimall
night.

BAZ:

(PLAYINGHERALONG)It'sonlynaturalIsuppose,
knowingthatyou'reoffforadirtyweekendand
leavingtheoneyoulovebehind.

ALICE:

Yes,butweallhaveourneeds.He'sstayingwitha
friendfortheweekend.They'llprobablygofor
longwalksinthecountrytogetherandreflect.

BAZ:

Whatdidhehavetosayaboutitall?

ALICE:

Nothing.

BAZ:

(AMATTEROFFACTATTITUDE)Soyou'vegotanopen
marriageandhe'sgay.Whateverturnsyouon?We're
inaliberatedsociety.Itprobablyworks,whenall
themysteryandromancehasebbedawayinthelater
yearsofmarriedlife,andallyou'vegotleftis
companionship.(THEN)Isupposeifyou'renot
gettingthatimportantelementthat'ssoessential
inafulfillingmarriage,you'lllookelsewhere.
Perhapsit'llmakehimrealisewhathe'smissing.

ALICE:

What!I'mnotmarried.Notnowanyway.Harry'smy
dog.

BAZ:

Yourdog!(THEN)Youhadmegoingforamoment.

ALICE:

(SMILING)Soyou'venothingtoworryabout.I'm
loose,fancyfreeandavailable24/7.

BAZ:

Youwanttobet.I'mnotaprize,I'maprize
winner.

ALICE:

SoamIandyou'reit.

BAZ:

Bloodyhell,canwesitdownandtalkaboutit.
Thisisdoingmyheadin.

Copyright 2008 Christopher Hails

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BAZSITSONTHESOFA.ALICEPOUNCES
NEXTTOHIMANDPUTSHERARMROUNDHIS
SHOULDERS

ALICE:

Whateverturnsyouon?I'mupandreadyasthe
magazinesays,andwe'vegotfortyeighthoursto
gettoknoweachother.
SHEPUTSHERHANDONHISKNEEANDPATS
IT.

BAZ:

(SHAKINGHISHEADANDLOOKSATHER)WhatamIgoing
todo?

ALICE:

Soyouareavirgin!

BAZ:

No,no.I'mnotavirgin.I'mahot...
HETRIESTOINCHAWAYBUTSHEKEEPSUP
WITHHIMUNTILHEGETSTOTHESOFAARM.

ALICE:

(CUTTINGIN)Bloodedmaleandupforit.

BAZ:

Yes!Imeanno!Notwithyou.

ALICE:

You'lldoformeson.(THEN)It'sallrightforyou
men,butforwomenofmyage,we'vegotthrow
ourselvesatyoulottogainourobjective.

BAZ:

Icanseethat.(THEN)Alice,Betty,whateveryour
nameis.There'sbeenaterriblebreakdownin
communication.Theladsatthetheatrewillnever
believeme.

ALICE:

Soyou'reanactor.

BAZ:

Yes.I'minRomeoandJuliet.Weopennextmonth.

ALICE:

I'llbeyourleadinglady.

BAZ:

Youcansaythatagain.

ALICE:

I'llbeyourleading...

BAZ:

(CUTTINGIN)No,no.I'llbealaughingstockwhen
ItellthemIwasseducedbyLadyCapulet...

ALICE:

(CUTTINGIN)OrBigBeautifulBettyfromBrighton.
There'sjustthetwoofus.Icankeepasecretif
youcan.It'llbeafusionoftwohumanbeingsin
carnalunisonhittingtheheightsofecstasyand
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slowlyfloatingbackdowntoearth,ourbodies
entwinedinsatisfaction,fulfilmentand
perspiration.
BAZ:

What!Youshouldhavegonetodramaschoolnotme.
(THEN)Alice,Betty,Idon'tneedmothering,
smotheringorwhateverelseyouhadinmind.(THEN)
Look,youseemlikeaniceladyandIdon'twantto
upsetyourfeelings...

ALICE:

(CUTTINGIN)Woman,Barry.I'mawoman.Ladiesare
forgentlemenandgentlemendon'tknowhowtotreat
awoman.IneedamanbecauseI'mallwoman.

BAZ:

(LOOKINGHERUPANDDOWN)Ere,yes.Icanseethat.
Mindyou,Imustadmit,you'veagedwell,asyour
titlesuggests.

ALICE:

(SMILING)Youdirtylittlebugger.Idon'tknow,
youyoungstersmustgothoughlifesuppressingyour
fantasiesanddesires.Comeon,admitit,yougo
forthemoreroundedmaturewomanwhoknowswhere
it'sat,knowswhatit'sforandhowtouseit.

BAZ:

(NERVOUSLYLAUGHING)Wellere,whenIwasalad,I
usedtofancythewomannextdoor.Itwasa

BAZ:

schoolboyfantasyandallthat.Daddidaswell.
Shewasabityoungerthanyoubutere...(THEN)
No,no.OhgodwhatamIsaying.
SHEPATSHISKNEEASHERHANDMOVESUP
HISTHIGH.

ALICE:

Youseeit'sonlynatural,andwearenodifferent.
WhenIwasyourage,Ialwayshankeredforthe
oldermoreexperiencedmanwhoknewhowtopleasea
woman.(WINKING)Whatgoesaroundcomesaroundand
you'vefounditloverboy.Theweekendstartshere.

BAZ:

I'mnotintograbbinggranniesyet.

ALICE:

I'llneverbeagranny,Baz,unlessmedicalscience
reallyhitsthejackpotwithmyJeffreyandhis
Albert.Idisownedmydaughterwhenshelefthome
yearsago,togoonanexpeditiontotheAmazon
rainforeststostudythegreenhouseeffect.(THEN)
Justletithappen.Thefireisblazingandit
needsstoking.I'veplentyofwood.

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SHEJUSTABOUTGETSTOTHETOPOFHIS
THIGHANDHESTANDS.

BAZ:

No,no,no.It'snotlikethatatall.Ijust
flickedthroughthepagesandyouwerethereinall
yourgloryasthecentrefold.You'djustwonMrs
AgedtoPerfection.(PAUSE)Ohno,whathaveI
goneanddone.YoubloodyidiotBaz.Alice,this
mustgodowninhistoryasoneofthemost
horrendouscockupsinthewholeworld.

ALICE:

(SMILING)TrymeBarry.

BAZ:

You'vejustconfirmedit.

ALICE:

Confirmedwhat?
SHESTANDSBEHINDHIMANDSLAPSHIS
BACKSIDE.

BAZ:

That'sassault.

ALICE:

Wantsomepepperonit.

BAZ:

PleaseAlice,that'senough.(THEN)Dadsaidhe'd
sentinaletter,andyouwerehislasttenthings
hewantedtodobeforehedied.

ALICE:

Hemightdowhenhearrives.(THEN)Howmanytimes
beforeyouexpire?

BAZ:

(HETURNSTOHER)I'mBazandBarryismydad.

ALICE:

So,hesentaboytodoaman'sjob.I'mnot
complaining.ThenightisyoungandI'mgetting
olderbytheminute.

BAZ:

(HETURNSBACK)No,no,wewerebothverysecretive
overthelastfewmonths.IwaschosenasKate
Benson'spartnerfortheweekend.Ireceived
notificationthroughthepost.She'sinallthe
magazines.

ALICE:

Ithinkshe'shadaboobjob.

BAZ:

Idon'tthinkI'mgoingtofindout.

ALICE:

(SMILING)Minearereal.

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BAZ:

Ere,yesnodoubttheyare.Listen,youmusthave
pickedhimasyourprizefortheweekend.(THEN)I
getitnow,theconnivingunscrupuloussod.

ALICE:

Getwhat.

BAZ:

(HETURNSTOHER)Hesentinmyphotograph,didn't
he?NowI'mbecomingagrannyicon.

ALICE:

Didhe?Youlookedgreatinthatleathersequinned
posingpouch.Youseemedmytype.I'mnotgetting
anyyoungerandIwanttogooutwithabigbang
withabigboy.

BAZ:

IknowAlice.I'mfortunatetohavebeenblessed
withgoodlooksandacharismaticpersonality.All
womenfindmeextremelyattractiveandattimesI
havetoprickmyselftorealisewhatI'vegotand
whattheywant.
SHENODSHERHEAD
Itmustbeinmygenes.

ALICE:

Iknow,I'venoticed.

BAZ:

(HETURNSBACK)I'vegottolivewithit.It'sa
crossI'vehadtobearsincepuberty,butI'm
coping.ThetimesI'vehadtoendurethesoundofa
pairofknickersorathonghittingthebedroom
floorjustbeforetheypaidhomagetome.

ALICE:

(SHESHAKESHERHEAD)Byyoumusthavebloodygood
hearing?Idon'trememberthelasttimeIhearda
pairofbriefsorboxershortshittingthebedroom
floor.

BAZ:

(HETURNSTOHER)Andyou'renotgoingtowithme.
You'vegottoacceptmyrefusalofyourfavoursas
final.Don'tyouseethere'sbeenaterrible
mistake?Webothmusthavepickedupthewrong
itinerary.(HETURNSBACK)Ordidheplanitall.I
wouldntputitpasthim.Hewasalwaysogling
Kate,sayinghe'dliketocasseroleherforthree
hours.It'sallmakingsensenow.Hesaidhewas
goingtoturnhismobilephoneofffortheweekend.
SHEGOESTOHIMANDCARESSESTHEBACK
OFHISHEAD.HECRINGES.

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ALICE:

Acceptoursituationforwhatitis.Don'tyousee
thecruelhandoffatehasbroughtustogetherfor
aweekendofunbridledpassion?Justgowiththe
flow.Idon'twanttomarryyou;Ijustwanttouse
yourbodytenortwentytimes.You'llbefreetogo
onMondaymorningandyourrehabilitationwillbe
complete,andI'llbeforevergrateful.

BAZ:

Well,sinceyouputitlikethat.What!You're
talkingasthoughI'maprisoner.

ALICE:

I'vegotthelockandyou'vegotthekey.

BAZ:

AsI'vesaid,thanks,butnothanks.It'sstaying
whereitis.It'snothingpersonal,BettyImean
Alice.

ALICE:

Icanbeanybodyyoulike;NorafromNorwich,Lucy
fromLeicester,SheilafromSunderland,Wendyfrom
Wilmslow,SusanfromSennalagerorEdwinafrom
Episkopi.Youknowwhattheysay;Hellhathnofury
likeawomanspurned.

BAZ:

Ithoughtitwasscorned.

ALICE:

EitherwayI'dbeupset.

BAZ:

Justforgetit,please.

ALICE:

Idon'tgiveupeasily.

BAZ:

WhatamIgoingtotellmymatesifIallowyouto
usemybodyfortherapeuticpurposes?

ALICE:

So,you'reslowlymelting.(THEN)Youmen,you're
allthesame.You'reteasingme.You'replaying
withmyemotions,hopingI'llgodownonmyknees
foryou.(SHEWALKSAWAYFAKINGASULKANDALITTLE
CRY)Oh,howIhatemen.Ifeelusedalready.I
feelhurt,helplessandlonely.Leavemealone.
Don'teventouchme.Don'teventalktome.Please
leavenow.Ourunionwasdoomedfromthestart.I
wanttodrownmyselfinselfpity.Goaway.I'll
surviveanddieunfulfilled,unloved,unsatisfied
andfrustrated.
HEGOESTOHER.

BAZ:

What!Ihaven'teventouchedyou.Youwomenareall
thesame,youmean.Youtwisteverythingtoyour

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advantage,togetwhatyouwant.(THAT)Godwhatam
Isaying.
ALICE:

(SMILING)Ijustwantmyprize.

BAZ:

Youcanhavemydad.Ohno,I'dhatetothinkwhat
he'sdoingnow

ALICE:

Kate,doneslowlyforthreehours,turning
occasionallyandbasting.

BAZ:

Idon'twanttogothere;thedirtyluckysod.

ALICE:

Let'snotthinkabout.Let'sthinkaboutus.Time
couldstandstillforthenextfortyeighthours.

BAZ:

Whatisthisplace?Ithinkitalreadyhas.

ALICE:

It'sjustacottageinthemiddleofnowhere.The
magazinesentmealetterwiththeinstructionshow
togethereandsaidenjoy.Whatmoredotwopeople
wantatthebeginningofanewadventure,thanthe
bareessentialsofnature?Ijustwantwhatthe
cavemangavethecavewomanatthedawnoftime.

BAZ:

Icanseethat.(LOOKINGAROUND)Justlookatit.
Itdoesn'texactlysmackofaromanticenvironment.
It'sabloodydoityourselfgreenhouse.

ALICE:

Iknow,butI'mnotwilting.

BAZ:

Andyou'renowallflower.

ALICE:

Iexpectthemagazine'sbudgetwasabitthinfor
thismonth.Nextmonthsprizeshouldbebetter.

BAZ:

Howdoyoumakethatout?

ALICE:

TherevenuefromserialisationofBazandBetty's
exploitsintheGreenHouse.It'llbeacross
pollinationasnatureintended.Theinnocenceof
youthversustheexperienceofmaturity,grafted
together.Theyevensentmeadigitalcamera.

BAZ:

What!I'mnotgraftinganythingtogetherand
there'llnophotographs.I'vegottothinkofmy
career.Theycouldendupontheinternet.I'll
neverbeabletosleepatnight.

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ALICE:

So,everybody'sontheinternetthesedaysall
aftertheirfifteenminutesoffame.

BAZ:

Notmybodyentwinedwithyours.

ALICE:

Relax.It'samarketingploy.Justthinkwhenyou
opentheChristmaseditionof"AgedtoPerfection,"
we'llbejumpingoutofthepageatthem.Our
weekendofsecretsexposed.I'vealreadysignedthe
serialrights.

BAZ:

I'mnotjumpingoutofanywhereandI'mnotjumping
intobedwithyou,andthere'llbenosecretsto
tellandI'msigningnowt.

ALICE:

I'llevenmakethebedifyoulike.

BAZ:

Areyouatimeservedcarpenter.

ALICE:

What!

BAZ:

(POINTINGATTHEFLATPACKBEDANDPLANKSONTHE
SIDEBOARDANDTHETWOLARGEBLACKBAGS)You'vegot
tomakeyourownbedandyoustuffyourown
mattress.

ALICE:

Bloodyhell,thebudgetwaslow.

BAZ:

Didn'tyouseeallthiswhenyouarrived.

ALICE:

Notreally.WhenyougottagoyougottagoandI
went.Ididn'thavetimetotakeintheview.My
suitcaseisstillinthecar.

BAZ:

Bestyouleaveitthereanddrivehome.

ALICE:

I'mnotgoinganywhereandneitherareyou.

BAZ:

Youwannabet.

ALICE:

Chaseme.

BAZ:

Idon'trunafterwomen.Theyrunafterme.Ilet
somecatchme.

ALICE:

Byyoudon'thalffancyyourselfyouarrogant
swine.Ibetyoujusthavetoflutteryoureyesand
theydroptheirknickers;infactmyJeffreywas
goingtosentyouapairofhisforyoutosign.

BAZ:

(HEGRIMACES)Theverythoughtofit.
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ALICE:

Recycled

YouremindmeofwhenIwasyourage.Allthose
timesIlostmyvirginity.IntheendIgaveup
counting.(THEN)Suityourselfloverboy.
SHERUNSOFFLEFT.BAZSHAKESHISHEAD.
HEHEARSONEDOORSLAMLEFT.THERE'SA
PAUSEANDHEHEARSANOTHERDOORSLAM
RIGHT.HETURNS.

BAZ:

Whatthehellisshedoing!Shewouldn't.She
couldn't.Shehasn'thasshe?
FROMRIGHTALICESAUNTERSINWAVINGA
COUPLEOFKEYSINHERHANDONARING.

ALICE:

(SMILING)Shehas.Mysuitcaseisatthefootof
thestairs.I'vebroughttheunderwearIworefor
themagazineasyourequestedinyourletter.

BAZ:

Ididn'twritethebloodyletter.Right,thishas
gonefarenough,Alice.You'reagrownwomanact
yourage.Givemethosekeys!

ALICE:

Idon'tthinkso;thesearethekeystomyheart.

BAZ:

Idon'twantthekeystoyourheartoranything
elseforthatmatter.

ALICE:

Ohyesyoudo.
HEGOESTOWARDSHERASSHESLOWLY
LOWERSTHEKEYSONTOHERCHEST.

BAZ:

Alice,don't,ohgod,pleasedont.I'llneverfind
them.
ANDPUSHESTHEMDOWNHERCLEVAGE.

ALICE:

(SMILING)Ithinkyouwill.Youknowwheretheyare
andI'msureyouknowhowtogettothem.They're

ALICE:

waitingforyouandsoamI.IthinkI'llmakethe
bed.

BAZ:

Makethebed!

ALICE:

Withroomenoughfortwo.

BAZ:

Don'tbestupid.

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SHEPICKSUPTHETWOBLACKPLASTICBAGS
ANDTHEBAGCONTAINGAHAMMERAND
NAILS.

ALICE:

Thatshoulddoit.I'llbewaiting.Bringmy
suitcaseupandsomeplanks.
ASSHEGOESTOEXITRIGHTTHESOUNDOF
TINCANSBEINGRATTLEDISHEARDOFF
LEFT.SHESTOPS

BAZ:

Whatthehell'sthat!

ALICE:

Soundsliketincansrattling.

BAZ:

It'sthebloodydoorbell.

ALICE:

Ifthat'snotecofriendly,Idon'tknowwhatis.

BAZ:

It'sgottobeKate.I'llexplainthemixup.Give
methekeysAlice.

ALICE:

Chaseme.Comeandgetthem.
SHERUNSOFFRIGHTFOLLOWEDBYBAZ.

BAZ:

Youaskedforthis.
THESOUNDOFBODIESHITTINGTHEFLOOR
ALONGWITHTHEEQUIPMENT.SHESCREAMS
INECSTASY.

ALICE:

(OFF)Iknow.Myprayershavebeenanswered.

BAZ:

(OFF)Liestillwoman.

ALICE:

(OFF)Iam.I'mcompletelyrelaxed.

BAZ:

(OFF)Aliceplease.I'mlookingforthekeysnot
you.

ALICE:

(OFF)(LAUGHING)Bazyourhandsarecold,butit's
nice.JustabitfurtherdownandIthinkyou'll
findwhatyou'relookingfor.

BAZ:

(OFF)Wherethebloodyhellarethey?

ALICE:

(OFF)(LAUGHING)OhBaz,ittickles

BAZ:

(OFF)Theretheyare,thankgodcaughtinthetop
ofyourknickergusset.

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ALICE:

Recycled

(OFF)(PANTING)OhBaz.I'vecomeallover
unnecessary.
HEENTERSHOLDINGTHEKEYS.HEIS
DISHEVELLED,PANTINGANDHISJEANSARE
UNBUTTONEDWHICHHESTARTSTODOUP.HE
WALKSTOWARDSLEFT.

BAZ:

SorryAlice.Aman'sgottadowhataman'sgotta
do.

ALICE:

(OFF)I'llknowwheretoputthemnexttime.
OFFLEFTAVOICEISHEARD.HESTOPS.

SHARON:

(SHOUTINGOFF)Hello,isanybodyhome?It'sSharon
andKevin,wepretendwe'remarried.
FROMRIGHTALICEENTERSTOTALLY
DISHEVELLED,STAGGERINGANDTWIRLSA
FEWTIMES.HERBLONDEWIGISHALFON
ANDHALFOFF.HERSKIRTISCAUGHTIN
HERKNICKERSATTHEBACK.

ALICE:

Oh,youarestrong.

BAZ:

(MIMES)KevinandfuckingSharon!

KEVIN:

(SHOUTINGOFFANDVERYCAMP)Helloisanybody
there?We'vecomefortheecofriendlywife
swappingcompetition.Wereachedthefinals.The
magazinesaidyoumighthavealreadystarted.We'll
joininstraightawayifyouletusindears.I
don'tthinkit'llcountagainstus.

ALICE:

Thingsarelookingup.

BAZ:

Anecofriendlywifeswappingcompetitionthe
mindboggles.

ALICE:

Howdotheyknowwhosewon?

BAZ:

Nodoubttheycomparenotesandgivemarksoutof
ten.(THEN)WhatthehellamIsaying?I'mgetting

BAZ:

worsethanyou.(NOTICINGHERSKIRT)You'vegot
yourskirtcaughtinyourknickers.

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ALICE:

Thankstoyou.Oops.(STRAIGHTENINGHERSELF)I'm
gameforanythingthesedays.Iwon'twearanynext
time.

BAZ:

You'vemadethatabundantlyclear.

KEVIN:

(OFF)Hello,anybodythere!

ALICE:

Thingsaredefinitelygettingbetter.Imustsit
downandcomposemyself.Ohwell,anotheradventure
ontheroughseaoflife.Itlookslikewe'rein
thefinalsyounaughtyboy.(SHE'SALLAFLUSTER
ANDATTEMPTSTOTIDYHERSELFUPWITHOUTSUCCESS)
THETINCANSAREHEARDAGAIN.
Answerthedoorbellthen.

BAZ:

We'renotacoupleright.Keepthingssimple.I'm
thegamekeeperandyou'rethecookandwe're
preparingthecottagefortheweekend.Theother
couplehaven'tarrivedyet.

ALICE:

Youspoilsport.OkayIwanttobeLadyChatterley.
(THEN)I'llseewhatthecompetitionislikefirst.

BAZ:

(GOINGTOLEAVE)Veryapt.(THEN)Right,I'lldoa
deal.IfIfancyherandyoufancyhim,thatsit,
andwe'llgoourseparateways.

ALICE:

Andifwedon't?

BAZ:

(ONEXITINGLEFT)I'myourslaveforthenext
fortyeighthours,todoasyouwill,Lady
Chatterley.

ALICE:

(QUICKLY)Decisions,decisions,andmoredecisions
you'reon!

BAZ:

(OFF)Hello.I'mtheGamekeeper.

KEVIN:

(OFF)Oh!It'sLarryinLeathers!Ibetyouare
darling.

BAZ:

Ohmygod!

SHARON:

(OFF)WhatapresentKevinandyou'llbeofficially
comingoutoftheclosettomorrowonyourbirthday.
ALICELOOKSUPANDGRIMACES,THEN
SMILES.
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KEVIN:

Recycled

(OFF)OhIcan'twaituntilmidnight.Myultimate
fantasyisLarryinLeathers.I'llnipandgetthe
sextoysfromthecar.Keepitwarmforme.
BAZSCREAMSANDRUNSBACKONINABLIND
PANIC.

BAZ:

(QUICKLY)Goupstairsandmakethebedquick.He
thinksI'mgayandIwanthimtoseethatI'mnot.
(THEN)No,no;onsecondthoughts,liedownbehind
thesofa.Theshockwillbetoomuchforhimwhen
hecomesin.

ALICE:

NowthatswhatIcallservice.
SHEJUMPSUPQUICKLYSTRAIGHTENINGHER
WIG.
Iwanttolookniceforyou.
SHEDISAPPEARSBEHINDTHESOFAANDLIES
DOWN.BARRYTAKESOFFHISSHOES,SHIRT
ANDJEANSANDFOLLOWSHER.HESTANDS
LOOKINGATHER.

BAZ:

Makeitlookreal,Alice,andI'llthinkof
England,Ireland,Scotlandand
HEDISAPPEARS.
Wales.

ALICE:

Iwill.We'reallthesamelyingdownyouknow.
(THEN)Wow,Iknewyou'dlookgoodonme,Baz.

BAZ:

OhnoAlice!Putyourknickersbackonandstop
fiddlingwithmyboxershorts.(THEYBOTHADLIB
FUMBLING)It'ssupposedtobesimulationnot
stimulation.

ALICE:

What'sthedifferenceatmyage?
FROMLEFTSHARONENTERSWEARINGDOC
MARTEN'SBOOTS,ATIEDYEDSKIRT,A
LEATHERJACKET,ATIEDYEDTSHIRT,NO
BRAANDVARIEGATEDCOLOUREDHAIR.BAZ
LETSOUTASHRIEK.

BAZ:

PleasenoAlice!

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ALICE:

YespleaseBaz.

BAZ:

No!No!No!Getoff!

ALICE:

Yes!Yes!Yes!
SHELOOKSATTHESOFAANDSMILES.SHE
QUICKLYTAKESOFFHERJACKETANDT
SHIRTANDSTARTSTOTAKEOFFHERSKIRT.

SHARON:

Wow,thisiscool.Ifeelthegreenhouseeffect
comingonalready.AtleastI'lldiewithmyboots
on.(LIFTINGUPHERFOOT)Nowthat'swhatIcalla
carbonfootprint.Two'scompany,three'saparty
andfour'sarave.(SHOUTING)HurryupKevin;we
couldbeonawinnerhere.Geronimo!
SHEGOESTOTHESOFAANDDROPSOUTOF
HERSKIRTONTHEWAY.SHEISABOUTTO
TAKEOFFHERKNICKERSWHENSHELOOKS
BEHINDANDSCREAMS.SHECOVERSHER
BOOBSWITHHERHANDS.
Mummy!

ALICE:

Sharon!
BAZPOPSHISHEADOVERTHESOFALOOKS
ATSHARONANDTHENALICE.

BAZ:

What!Yourmother;Ican'ttakemuchmoreofthis.
Bloodyhellthere'sapairofyou.

SHARON:

Whatareyoudoingmother?
ALICEPOPSHERHEADOVERTHESOFA.
SHE'SINADAZE.HERWIGISASKEW.

ALICE:

Whatdoesitlooklike?Iwasjustpracticingfor
later.ThisisBaz.Ichosehimasthewinnerina
magazinecompetition.

BAZ:

Likehellshedid.
SHARONSTANDSWITHHERHANDSONHER
HIPS.

SHARON:

Sohe'syourtoyboy,ishemother?

BAZ:

NoI'mbloodywellnot.

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SHARON:

So,howmuchhasshepaidyouthen?

BAZ:

What!Shehasn'tpaidmeanything.Idon'tdoit
formoney.

SHARON:

Soyoumustbedesperateandshemustbegrateful.
ALICESMILES.SHARONGOESBEHINDTHE
SOFAANDKNEELSDOWNANDLOOKSBAZUP
ANDDOWN.
Mindyou,youarefit.I'llgiveyouthat.So
you'reLarryinLeathers.Givemeyourphone
number.You'dbesuchawasteonKevin.
ALICEGRIMACES.

ALICE:

Handsoff,he'smine.

BAZ:

(LOOKINGATTHEMBOTHQUICKLY)What!Noway!You've
gotholdofthewrongendofthestick,andI'mnot
amaleescort.

SHARON:

YouarefromwhereI'mkneeling.

BAZ:

Alice,pleasetellherthetruth.Iknowitlooks
bad,butit'snotwhatitseems.

ALICE:

Sharon,Ihaven'tseenyouforaverylongtime,
andIwasneveramodelmother,butItriedmy
best.(THEN)I'msureyouwanttoseeyouroldmum
happyinthetwilightofheryearsafterseven
messydivorces.
BAZ'SFACIALEXPRESSIONINDICATESHEIS
SURPRISEDANDCONFUSEDASHELOOKSAT
THEMBOTHINTURNASTHEYSPEAK.

SHARON:

ItwasthreewhenIleft.

ALICE:

AnotherfourwhileyouwereinSouthAmerica.

SHARON:

Iunderstandexactly.Ileftfivehusbandsbehind
intheAmazonbasin.IthoughtIcouldmakea
differencetotheworld,butIforgotmyneedswere
morethanmechanical.Ineededasociallife.It
waswork,work,workandnoplay.Oneendless
viciouscircleofbreadmaking,bedmakingand
bonking.SometimesIjustwantedtogoonthelash,
withtheyoungergirlsfromuniversityontheirgap

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year,andthengotobedwiththem.Theyjustabout
copedwithtwohusbandsapiece,bedmakingandthe
occasionalstudyperiod,andofcourseme.
BAZ:

(MIMES)What!

ALICE:

Youpoorthing,unselfishlygivingyourbodyand
soultotheworldforthefutureofmankindandto
slowdownglobalwarming.Atleastyougotagood
education,plentyofexerciseandthebestofboth
worlds.

SHARON:

YesIdid.Whathappenedtoyourmenmum?

ALICE:

Theyweretotallyincapable,incompetentand
incompatible.Allmymenhavebeenoutoftunewith
myneedsandwants.I'malwayslookingforMister
RightandI'vealwaysendedupwithMisterWrong.
Myquesthasnearlycometoitsend.

BAZ:

Ere,excuseme.IamintheroomandIamaman.

ALICE:

Shutup!

SHARON:

Yesshutup,we'retalking!
HEISAGOG
That'sgoodmom.Listen,IsorryoverreactedwhenI
foundyouinbedwithmyboyfriend,Howard,all
thoseyearsago,justafteryourseconddivorce.I
shouldhaverealisedyouwereatrisk.Youwere
alone,vulnerableandveryimpressionable.

BAZ:

(MIMES)What!

SHARON:

Iforgiveyoumother.Iblametheman.Howard
alwaysdidhavethehotsforyou.Theolderwomen
syndromestrikesyetagain.Youweren'ttoblame.
Menhavegotalottoanswerfor.Theywanttheir
cakeandeatitandeatandeatit.Asliceata
timedoesformenow.
BAZSMILESSLIGHTLY.

ALICE:

I'msorrySharon.Iwassoflatteredwhenhereally
cameontomestrongasIbentovertoputthe
turkeyintheovenafterstuffingit.Itriedto
resisthisadvances,butIwasputtyinhishands.
Youdounderstanddon'tyou?

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SHARON:

Idomother.

ALICE:

I'mawomanandIcouldn'tsayno.Itwastheway
helookedatme.Hewaspracticallyundressingme
withthoseblazingblueeyesthatcouldmeltthe

ALICE:

Polaricecaps.Icouldtellhewantedtounbutton
thatfigurehuggingcardiganwhichwastwosizes
toosmall.Theoneyou'dboughtfromMarksand
Spencer'sforChristmas,andthenunhookmyquarter
wiredcuppedpatternedbraandgently...

SHARON:

(CUTTINGIN)Yesmother.Iunderstandcompletely.
It'saninherentweaknessinourgenderandmen
playonitandinmycasewomanaswell.Itmust
havebeentraumaticandunsettling.

BAZ:

(MIMES)Really.

ALICE:

Imean,whatIwassupposedtodo,whenatwenty
fiveyearoldstallionwantshisoatsfromanold
marelikeme.
BAZCOUGHS
Laterhejustwalkedintomybedroomatthreein
themorningwhileyouwereshelfstackingat
Tesco's,nakedasnatureintended.
BAZSWALLOWS

SHARON:

Yes,hetoldmethetruth.Itwashisfault
entirely.Idon'tblameyoumother.Youwere
totallytheinnocentparty.

ALICE:

Ineverforgetthatshaftofmoonlight,asit
penetratedthebedroomwindow,illuminatinghis
taunt,bronzed,erect,youngnakedbody,ashe
floatedtowardsmeonaseaofdesire.

BAZ:

(MIMES)What!

ALICE:

(SHECATCHESHERBREATH)WhatcouldIdoSharon?I
waslikearabbitcaughtinheadlights.Ijust
waitedfortheinevitabletohappen,anditdid,
severaltimes.Icouldntfightit.Oh,howItried
todragmyselfaway.Oureyesmet,ourmouths
openedandourlipsjustmelted.Hescoopedmeup
inhisstrong,musculararms.Sharon,hewasso

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powerful,yetsogentle,socaring,soconsiderate
andextremelyadventurous.
SHARON:

(CATCHINGHERBREATH)It'sallrightmother,I
understand.Youdon'thavetodrawmeapicture.
BAZNODHISHEAD.

ALICE:

Ijustwanttogetitoffmychest,andwipeaway
whathappenedonthatsordidnight.(THEN)Asthey
sayit'sgoodtotalk.

SHARON:

Okay.Okay.Butcuttothechaseforgodsakeor
Illwanttoliedowninadarkenedroom.

ALICE:

Hewascarryingabottleofchampagneandtwo
glassesinonehand,andaplateofoystersinthe
other.Hewassoinventivecarryingthoseserviette
clothsandrings.Ohthethoughtofthatnight.We
fellasleepineachotherarmsandwhenIawoke,he
waswaitingandreadytorepeat...(PAUSE)Ohdear
I'vejusthadahotflush.(THEN)Now,I'mmakinga
freshstart,turningoveranewleaf,andleaving
thepastwaybehindme.

SHARON:

I'msogladmom.I'ddoanythingsothatyou'llbe
happyfortherestofyourlife.Menjustdon't
understandyouandsomewomendon'tunderstandme.
Weallreachourzenithandreturntoournadir
sometimeinlife.

BAZ:

Ere,excusemeyoutwo.Sorrytobuttinlikethis
again.Iknowyouhaven'tseeneachotherfora
longtime.Butthisisnotthetimeortheplace
forafamilyreconciliationandadebateaboutyour
sexualencounterswitheveryTom,DickandHarry.

SHARON:

ItwasHoward.

BAZ:

Shutup!I'mspeakingnow.
SHARONANDALICELOOKASHAMED.BAZ
STANDSANDGOESTOTHEFRONTANDSTARTS
PUTTINGONHISTROUSERSANDJEANS.THEY
LOOKONENTRANCED.
(LOOKINGATSHARON)Justlookatyou,halfnakedin
frontofatotalstranger.(LOOKINGATALICE)And
you'renotmuchbetter.Whatwouldmymothersayif
shecouldseemenow?Idon'tknowwhatsortof
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lifestyleyoutwohaveled,butbythesoundofit,
itsonestepaheadofdisgustinganddegrading.I'm
noprude,butI'mshockedanddismayedatyouboth.
Yes,I'vekissedthegirlsandmadethemcry,but
notonyourscale(THEN)Alice,pleasetellherthe
truthaboutusandwecansortthismessoutonce
andforall.(PAUSE)Goontellherthen.
ALICELOOKSLOVINGLYATBAZTHENLOOKS
ATSHARON.
ALICE:

We'regoingtogetmarried.

BAZ:

(SCREAMING)What!
SHARONJUMPSUP,GRABSBAZANDHUGS
HIM.

SHARON:

OhDaddy,Daddy,Daddy!I'mgoingtohaveareal
Daddyafteralltheseyears.

BAZ:

Alice!Thisisnotfunny.Getheroffme.It'snot
trueSharon.
OFFLEFTKEVIN'SVOICEISHEARD.

KEVIN:

(OFF)Hello.Isthereroomforalittleone?
KEVINENTERS.HE'SWEARINGAPINKSUIT,
PINKSHOESANDAPINKCOLLARANDTIE
ANDCARRYINGAPLASTICBAGSWITH
VARIOUSOBJECTSPROTRUDINGONTHE
INSIDE.HESEESBAZANDSHARON.

KEVIN:

Unhandhimyoubitch.You'vebeatenmetoitagain
Sharon.That'sthefifthtimeyou'vetakenaman
I'vefanciedinsomanyweeks.Idon'tknowwhyyou
can'tsticktoyourownkind.
BAZPUSHESSHARONAWAY,ANDCONTINUES
TOGETDRESSED.

BAZ:

Noshehasn't.(GESTURINGWITHHISTHUMBATALICE)
Shehas,"MrsAgedtoPerfection2008,"better
knownasBigBeautifulBettyfromBrighton.

ALICE:

Its"MisterPinkRecycledToiletPaper2008."Isaw
aposterofyouintheladiestoiletatthehotel.

BAZ:

What!Ohhellno.Areweallwinners?

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SHARON:

YesandI'm"MissRecycled1998rightthroughto
2008"

BAZ:

AndI'mnotgoingtoaskwhatfor.(THEN)Comeon
Alice,Idon'tbreakpromises.I'lleventhrowina
slowstriptease.
ALICEGETSUPFROMBEHINDTHESOFA
SMILING.

ALICE:

Yes,master.(TOSHARON)Putsomeclothesonwoman.
You'renotintheAmazonbasinnow.

SHARON:

Yesmother.
SHARONSTANDS,PICKSUPHERTSHIRTAND
PUTSITONALONGWITHHERDRESS.

KEVIN:

WhatamIgoingtodoatmidnightnow,Larry?

BAZ:

I'msureyou'llthinkofsomethingandkeepmeout
ofit.

KEVIN:

Idon'tlikeyouwhenyou'reangry.

BAZ:

Tough.
KEVINLOOKSFORLORN

ALICE:

ShallImakethebed.

BAZ:

Makewhateveryoulikebabe. MeTarzanandyou're
Jane'smother.Thisisthedawnoftime.I'myoung
andthenightisgettingold.
HEPICKSUPTHESLEDGEHAMMER.

SHARON:

What'sthatfor?

BAZ:

Incaseofanemergency.
HEDRAGSOFFALICERIGHT.SHARONSITS
ONTHESOFAANDKEVINSITSONTHESOFA
ARM.

SHARON:

Thatwasmymother,Kevin.

KEVIN:

Weallhaveonedear,andhewasmyintroductionto
myofficialouting.IthinkI'llgobackintothe
closetandliveindenialuntilmyshipcomesin.

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SHARON:

Don'tworrywe'vealwaysgoteachothersfriendsto
fallintobedwith.

KEVIN:

Iknow,butwe'vegottosettledownsometime.

SHARON:

Whatarewegoingtodonow?

KEVIN:

We'reattherightplace,butwiththewrong
people.ThelastthingFredHarrisandhislovely
wifeHenriettasaid,wasthatwe'dhaveafantastic
weekend.Heshouldknow.Hewaslastyear's
outrightwinner.Hiswifecamefourth.

SHARON:

Wedidbendtherules,didn'twe,whenwedidn't
tellthewholetruthwhenweentered?

KEVIN:

Justbecausewe'rebothbisexual,thatshouldn't
excludeusfromthecompetition.I'llbeinlimbo
forever,thewaythingsaregoing.

SHARON:

Ithoughtwe'dblownitduringthesemifinals.

KEVIN:

Ithoughtyouhad.

SHARON:

That'sbesidethepoint.Youshouldhavenever
goosedtheSecretaryofStateforGlobalWarming,
whenhewasengagedindelicatenegotiationswith
thatenvironmentallobbyist.Shecertainlylaidher
stalloutforhim.(THEN)Atleastshecameouton
top.Pityshegotwellandtrulyscrewedinthe
regionalplayoffsbythatbottlebankexecutive.

KEVIN:

All'sfairinloveandwar.Hewasaskingforit.
Itcertainlyputhimoffhisstrideandknockedhim
outofthesemifinalswiththatMinisterfor
InternalAffairs.Igotthedistinctfeelingthat
itwasallasetupfortheirbenefit.
THESOUNDOFNAILSBEINGHAMMEREDINTO
WOODISHEARDOFFRIGHT.

KEVIN:

Whatthehellisthat?

SHARON:

Ifmymemoryservesmecorrectly,it'smymother
boardingupthebedroomdoorandwindows.

KEVIN:

Praytell,whateverfor?

SHARON:

Soundproofing.Whenshe'sinoverdrive,she'sa
screamerandthere'snoescape.

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KEVIN:

Fromwhat?

SHARON:

You'veheardoftheblackwidowspider.

KEVIN:

Ohmygod;thepoordear.I'llneverbeableto
lookLarryinthefaceagain.

SHARON:

Whenshe'sfinishedwithhim,he'llbenouseto
anyone.He'llbelikeawellrungoutchamois
leather.

KEVIN:

OhIdon'tknow.IthinkIcouldworksomething
out.
FROMLEFTTHESOUNDOFTINCANS
RATTLINGISHEARD.

SHARON:

Betterlatethennever.(HESTANDS)

KEVIN:

Oh,mygod.I'vejusthadahorriblethought.

SHARON:

What'sthat?

KEVIN:

Whatiftheotherfinalistsarebothmen.

SHARON:

We'llhavetodiscusstacticsathalftime.We
definitelydon'twantitgoingtopenalties.

KEVIN:I'llbethegoalkeeper.
SHARON:

AndI'llblow...

KEVIN:

(CUTTINGIN)Ibestanswerthedoorandnotlet's
thinkaboutitdear.
HEEXITSLEFT.SHARONGOESTOTHE
SIDEBAORD,PICKSUPTHECANOFLAGER
ANDSIPSIT.SHETAKESTHESHEETSOF
PAPEROUTOFTHEBUCKETANDFLICKS
THROUGHIT.

SHARON:

Mafekingrelievedagain.That'swhatIcall
recycling.(THEN)Whatthisforeignwriting,they
mustimportpaper.Thisisluxurycomparedtothe
Amazon.(SHEPUTSITBACKINTHEBUCKETANDSIPS
THELAGER)

KEVIN:

(OFF)Ohhello.CanIhelp?

BARRY:

(OFF)I'mlookingforamanandawoman.

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KEVINENTERSFOLLOWEDBYBARRY.HE'S
WEARINGASUITANDHASASHOULDER
HOLSTERHOLDINGASMALLPISTOLUNDER
HISJACKET,ATHINBREADROLLINONE
INSIDEPOCKETANDENVELOPEINTHE
OTHER.HISOUTERPOCKETSCONTAINA
MOBILEPHONEANDAPOLICEWARRANTCARD.

KEVIN:

Comestraightinwon'tyou.Willwedo?I'mKevin
andthisisSharon.Wehavestrangerelationship.I
hopeyoursis.

BARRY:

I'mlookingyoungmanandanolderwoman.

KEVIN:

Kinky.My,youarechoosyatyourage.

BARRY:

It'sgotnothingtodowithage.

KEVIN:

Icouldn'tagreemore,dear.

BARRY:

(LOOKINGATSHARON)MissRecycled2008Ipresume.

SHARON:

What!Howdoyouknowthat?

BARRY:Nevermind.Andyou'reMisterPinkRecycledToilet
Paper2008.
KEVIN:

Wasitmybowtiethatgavemeaway?

BARRY:

Isawaposterofyouinagent'stoilet.

KEVIN:

Fameatlast.You'renotareyou?

BARRY:

Notwhat?

KEVIN:

Nevermind.You'renotmytype.

BARRY:

I'mChiefInspectorBarryWatson,ViceSquad,
SouthernRegion.We'vebeentailingyou.

SHARON:

ThePolice!Whatwedoisconsensual.

KEVIN:SoundsnaughtyChiefInspector.Letmeseeyour
warrantcard.
BARRYSHOWSHIMIT,WHICHHEPERSUES.
Oh,it'sdefinitelyyourwrongside.Atouchof
eyelinerwouldn'tgoamiss.

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BARRY:

Recycled

(HESNATCHESITFROMHIM)Thanksforthat.Sitdown
youtwo(THEN)I'mcarryingoutaninvestigation
intoascambyseveralunscrupulousmagazine
publishers.
THEYSITONTHESOFA.BARRYWALKS
AROUND.

SHARON:

What!Whatscam?

BARRY:

Ithoughtwe'dpluggedtheholeinthetelevision
phoneincompetitions.Nowwefindthemagazinesat
it.Itworkslikethis.Yousendinaphotographof
yourselfalongwithtwentypoundsandyouhavethe
chanceofbecomingamodelofthemonthina
particularmagazine.Atthemomentwe're
investigatingthreemagazines.

SHARON:

What'swrongwiththat?I'vewon.

KEVIN:

AndsohaveI.

BARRY:

Aswellbecomingtheirmodelofthemonthyougeta
chancetospend,toputitcrudely,ashagging

BARRY:

weekendatasecretlocationinthecountry,
amongstotherthings.

KEVIN:

Oh,haveIbeenhadChiefInspector.

BARRY:

Ithinkyou'reinabetterpositiontojudgethat,
thanme.

SHARON:

Imostdefinitelyhave.

BARRY:

Thethreemagazinesinquestionare,"Upand
Ready".

KEVIN:

Myfavourite.

BARRY:

"AgedtoPerfection."

SHARON:

Nodoubtmymothers.

BARRY:

And"RecycledMonthly."

SHARON:

Ihavebeenhad.

KEVIN:

Sowedidn'twinourtitlesbymerit.

BARRY:

Afraidnot.

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SHARON:

Amongstotherthings,intriguesme.

BARRY:

YoutwoareinvolvedintheEcoFriendlyWife
swappingcompetitionareyounot,andwhenyouwon
yourtitlesyouagreedtobecomecontestants?

SHARON:

Yes,so.Varietyisthespiceoflife.Whatgoeson
behindcloseddoorsbetweenconsentingadults,
staysbehindcloseddoors.Weliveinanageof
freedom,liberationandtolerance.

KEVIN:

It'snotasthoughthewholeworldwouldseewhat
wegetupto.Thereagain,Idon'tknow.

BARRY:

Nowtherebyhangsatale.Whenthesecurityofthe
UnitedKingdomisatrisk,sweetwordslikethatgo
outofthewindow,Sharon.

KEVIN:

Isitafairytale?

SHARON:

StopitKevin!

BARRY:

Afteralengthyinvestigationwefoundthatthis
placetiesupthefinallooseendininternational
espionageandtreachery.Thankfullyyoutwobeing

BARRY:

hereiswhatIexpected.ThankgoodnessMI6gotto
thebottomofitall.

KEVIN:

Andsosayallofuswellme.

SHARON:Whowereyouexpectingtofind?
BARRY:

TheSecretaryofStateforGlobalWarmingandMiss
RebeccaCharlton,thewellknowenvironmentalist
andhispersonalmattressandswappingpartner.

KEVIN:

Idon'tlikewherethisisgoing.

BARRY:

Hadyounotgoosedhim,intheheats,they'dhave
beenhere,andthegovernmentwouldhavebeen
broughttoitsknees.

KEVIN:

Oh,thethoughtofitsendsshiversdownmyspine,
amongstotherthings.

SHARON:

Whatabouttheotherfinalistswe'vebeenwaiting
for.

BARRY:

Arrested,deportedandnodoubtdisposedof.(THEN)
Threemagazineswereboughtbyanoverseasinvestor
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afewyearsago.Howeveraforeignpowerhad
bankrolledthepurchasetousethemagazinesasa
frontforspyingandespionage.Youcouldsaywe
hadabedfullofforeigners.Wearestilllooking
forafewsleepers.
KEVIN:

Sleepers!Thatdoesn'tsoundexciting.Iwantsome
action.

BARRY:

Anoldphrasefromthecoldwardays.Ourfriends
intheeastusedtosendspiesheretoblendin
withBritishsociety.Theirmasters,usedtowake
them,sotospeak,whenthetimewasright.Over
theyearsthey'veinfiltratedalllevelsofsociety
fromthehappyoldengagingcouplenextdoor,gay
televisionpersonalitiestoMembersofParliament,
andofcoursethewifeswappers,senttoentrapthe
Minister.

KEVIN:

Getaway,ChiefInspector.

BARRY:

Ikidyounot.

KEVIN:

AreyouaJamesBond?

BARRY:

IfIhadtobeyes.

KEVIN:

Ohmygod.WhathaveIdone?

BARRY:

Therightthingattherighttime.

SHARON:

Whatabouttheotherwinnersintheother
magazines.

BARRY:

That'swhereBritishintelligencewellandtruly
cockedup.Itwasstaringthemstraightinthe
face.

KEVIN:

Idarenotaskwhat.

SHARON:

Kevin,thisisserious.GoonChiefInspector.

BARRY:

ThemagazinesofficesareinLondon.Whenthe
companygotwindwewereontothem,theytriedto
createasmokescreenbymixingupallthe
competitionwinnersandlocations,hopingthatby
thetimethebigfishhadleftthecountry,we'dbe
runningaroundchasingourselvesupourown...

KEVIN:

(CUTTINGIN)Igetthepicture.

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BARRY:

Toavertadiplomaticincidentandanembarrassing
situationforthegovernment,theSecretaryof
StateforGlobalWarmingandhismattressareat
thismomenthavinganextendedvacationinthe
ArcticCircle.Theycanhavefirsthandexperience
ofglobalwarminginaction.Ipiecedtogetherwhat
wasgoingonwiththeunwittinghelpofmysonand
afewindiscretionsalongtheway.

SHARON:

Soplanwastolurethegovernmentministerandhis
girlfriendhere?

BARRY:

Yes,andI'mafraidtheywouldhavebeenwhisked
awayandheldashostages,byournotsofriendly
friendsintheeast.Theiragentshavebeenrounded
upanddeported.

KEVIN:

Wheredowefitin,ifit'snotacrudequestion?

SHARON:

Iwon'ttellyouagain.

BARRY:

Youweremerelypawnsinagameofdoubledealing,
counterespionageandblackmailandofcoursethe
lowestcommondenominatorofallsex.

SHARON:

Why?

BARRY:

YoumusthaveyouheardoftheNovaSolarProject?

SHARON:

Whohasn't?

KEVIN:

Meforone.

SHARON:

Itwhatwe'reallabout.Scientistshaveinventeda
hugemirrorwhichwillbelaunchedintospaceto
reflectthesunfromtheArcticregionsthus
slowingdownglobalwarminganddirectingit'sto
placesrequiringlifegivingsunlight.

KEVIN:

Mustbeabigscreen.

BARRY:

TwentytimesthediameteroftheMillenniumdome.

KEVIN:

That'swhatIcallanerection,ChiefInspector.

BARRY:

Ishewithyou.Howeveracertaincountrywantedit
formilitarynotenvironmentalpurposes.
Unwittinglyyousavedthedayandtheparty'sover
foryoutwo.

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KEVIN:

Itwasmybirthdaytomorrow.Iwasgoingtotell
theworldI'mgay.

SHARON:

Somuchforanecofriendlywifeswappingweekend.
Iwashopingtomixandmatch.
HETAKESOUTTWOENVELOPESANDHANDS
THEMOUT.

BARRY:

Asyoutwowereinstrumentalavertingamajor
internationalcatastrophe,I'vebeeninstructedby
HerMajesty'sgovernmenttogiveyoutheseplane
ticketsplusacashcard,withunlimitedfunds,to
useasyouwish.There'salsodocumentation
relatingtotheOfficialSecretsActs.Justsign
themandreturnthemintheprepaidenvelope.
(THEN)Youcankeepasecret.

KEVIN:

(WINKING)Icanifyoucan.

SHARON:

ThankyouKevin.WheretoChiefInspector?

BARRY:

Theworldisyouroyster.

KEVIN:

Oh,IwanttogoGreenwichVillage,SanFrancisco
toseemypenpalsHankandEugene.I'llbe
definitelycomingoutoverthere.

SHARON:

IthinkI'llgobacktotheAmazonbasintosay
hellotomyhusbandsandtomakeafewmorebeds
formyhusbandsandgirlfriends.

KEVIN:

(QUICKLY)Justlikethat!

BARRY:

(SLOWLY)Justlikethat.

SHARON:

Andthat'sitherethen?

BARRY:

Justabout.I'mwaitingformysonBaztoarrive.I
didn'twanttoinvolvehiminallthis,butitwas
saferduringtheinitialinvestigationstageandI
couldkeepaneyeonthings.Yousee,Igothimto
enterafewcompetitions.Ialsoenteredoneall
inthelineofdutyofcourse.(HELAUGHS)He'll
probablykillmewhenhegetshereandrealises
whatIdid.

KEVIN:

Really.

SHARON:

WhatwasthatChiefInspector?

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BARRY:

He'sanactorandasajokeIsuggestedhehadsome
photographstakeninraunchyposesandsendthemto
"UpandReady."ItoldhimtousethenameLarry,
afterhisfavouriteactor.Ipostedthelettersfor
himafter,shallIsayinterferingwiththe
contents.

KEVIN:

Youmean...

SHARON:

(CUTTINGIN)ShutupKevin.

BARRY:

LawrenceOlivier.

SHARON:

Interesting.

BARRY:

Ialsoenteredacompetitioninthe"Agedto
Perfection."magazine.

KEVIN:

Isn'tthattheone...

SHARON:

(CUTTINGIN)Kevin!Iwon'ttellyouagain.

KEVIN:

Sorryforheavybreathing,I'msure.

BARRY:

There'swasthisoldboilerflashingeverything
she'dgotinthecentrepages.Notmycupoftea.
Muttondefinitelydressedaslamb.Talkingabout
lettingitallhangout.Shemusthaveplastered
hermakeuponwithtrowel.Ifonlywomenofher
agerealisedthey'velosttheplotandthat'sthe
endofthestoryasfarastheirlooksare
concerned.RathersadreallyIthought,butit
takesalltomakeaworld.Iwouldntbeseendead
withher,nevermindinbedwithher.
SHARONFROWNS.

SHARON:

Ratherjudgemental,ChiefInspector.She'sprobably
agoodmother,acaringwifewithaheartofgold,
andtotallymisunderstood.

BARRY:

Yeah,yeah,yeah!Getrealwoman.She'sprobably
tryingtorecaptureheryouth.Imean,whatdomost
womenofherageseewhentheylookinthemirror.
Notaprettysight,Icantellyou.(THEN)I've
beentobedwithfewwomeninmytime.Thenext
morningwhentheboozehaswornoffitwastime
tokickthedogout.

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SHARON:

RatherchauvinisticandinsultingcommentsChief
Inspector.Whataboutyourwife.Shemustbethe
sameageas...

KEVIN:

BigBeautifulBettyfromBrighton.

SHARON:

ThanksKevin.

BARRY:

Wifeleftmeforanotherman.He'swelcometoher.

SHARON:

I'mnotsurprised.

BARRY:

Let'snotgetpersonal,lady.Myonenightliaisons
happenedaftersheleftme.Igavetheungrateful
bitchthebestyearsofmylife.

SHARON:

Wasthereany?

BARRY:

What?

SHARON:

Nothing.

BARRY:

AnywayIwrotein,andthiswillreallykillyou.

SHARON:

Nodoubtitwill.

BARRY:

(LAUGHING)Itoldher,thatshewasthelastten
thingsIwantedtodobeforeIdied.Describeda
fewthingsIenjoyedandwhatI'dlikehertowear.
You'vegottoplaythemalongabit,haven'tyou?
Weallhaveourfantasies.

KEVIN:

Somealotmorethanothers,Icantellyoudear.

BARRY:

(HECONTINUESTOLAUGH)Andthis,thisistheknock
outpunch.(LAUGHINGLOUDER)Isentinmyson's
photographsandhewaschosentospendadirty
weekendendwithher.ThankgodIgothereintime.
Ijustcouldn'tpicturethosetwotogether.He'dbe
mentallyscaredforlife,poorlad.Imeanhe's
beenaround,buttherearelimits.God,itmakesme

BARRY:

shudder.He'llthankmewhenhegetsherefornot
havingtofaceafateworsethandeath.

SHARON:

(SMILING)Hilarious,I'msure.

BARRY:

Andthere'smore.

KEVIN:

PraytellChiefInspector,I'mallears.

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BARRY:

Isentinmyphotographto,"UpandReady,"andI
wonadirtyweekendwithKateBenson.Hopefully
she'llgetherebeforeBigBettyandBazandI'll
explainthemistake.IoweittoBaz,nowallthis
isover.(THEN)Ireckon,hadIsentinhis
photograph,he'dhavewonanyway.We'realways
beingtakenforbrothers.He'ssuchahandsomesod.
Ioftenwonderwherehegetsitfrom.

SHARON:

You'rebothverylucky.

BARRY:

Luckhasnothingtodowithit.Theladiescan't
getenoughofBaz.Ofcoursehegetsitfromme.
Evenatmyage,youngerwomenfindmeintensely
attractive.WhyshouldIsettledownatmyageand
buyanotherbook,whenthere'sathrivinglending
libraryallaroundme.

SHARON:

Youcouldberight.Modestyseemstobe,ere,not
oneofyourstrongpointsinyourfamily.

BARRY:

Likefatherlikeson.(THEN)Thethingisnow;
Baz'spopularityhasextendedtomen.

KEVIN:

Iknow.

SHARON:

Kevin!

BARRY:

OneofmyDetectives,whobatsfortheother
side...

KEVIN:

(INTERJECTING)Oh,I'dlovetoopenbowlingwith
him.

BARRY:

SentinBaz'sphotographstoseveralgaymagazines.
He'sbecomesomethingofagayicon.Pityyou
haven'ttimetomeethim.Ithinkyou'dbothwarm
tohim.

KEVIN:

We've...

SHARON:

(CUTTINGIN)Well,Ithinkwe'dbettergoChief
Inspector.Wewon'tbepartyinghere.

BARRY:

Thesooneryou'reoutofthecountrythebetter.
Stayawayforaboutsixmonths;forgivethepun,
untiltheheatdiesdown.
KEVINSHAKESBARRY'SHANDTHENKISSES
IT.

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KEVIN:

WhenyouseeBaz,willyoutellhimmytorchwill
alwaysburnforhiminthedarkestplace.

BARRY:

(SHAKINGHISHEAD)Iwill.
KEVINPICKSUPHISPLASTICBAG.

KEVIN:

Comeonmylittlefriends.I'llstartthecar,
Sharon.(THEN)Imustwearaflowerinmyhairwhen
Iland.
HEEXITSLEFT.

BARRY:

Hecertainlyisaone.

SHARON:

Hecertainlyis.(THEN)It'sbeenapleasure
meetingyouChiefInspector,eventhoughour
attitudesandmoralsdiffer.

BARRY:

That'sokay.Ihopeyou'llbehappyinSouth
America.

SHARON:

It'llbeachallengeandI'mlookingforwardtoit.
(THEN)NohardfeelingChiefInspector.
HEGOESTOSHAKEHERHAND.

BARRY:

What!
SHEKNEESHIMINTHECRUTCH.HEFALLS
TOTHEGROUNDCLUTCHINGHISABDOMEN.HE
LIESFORAMOMENT.
(GROANING)Whatthehellwasthatfor?

SHARON:

Itsapresentfromwomenallovertheworld,
especiallytheonesofmymother'sage.

BARRY:

(STILLGROANING)What!Idon'tunderstand.Wasit
somethingIsaid?

SHARON:

Yes,andit'stypicalofyoumen.Youneverwill
understandwomen.Bye.
SHEEXITSLEFT.BARRYSTANDSUPPAINED,
ANDSTAGGERSAROUND,THENSITSONTHE
SOFA.HETAKESOUTHISMOBILE
TELEPHONE,PRESSESAKEYANDPUTSITTO
HISEAR,STILLINPAIN.

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BARRY:

Recycled

Hiitstheboss...I'vejustbeenkickedin
the...oh,forgetitSergeant...Yeseverything's
okay.I'vejusthadarealitycheck.Thebirdshave
flownandI'mjustwaitingtoclearthenestof
debris...YesI'mquitecapableSergeant.Seeyou
later.(HEPUTSTHEPHONEINHISPOCKETANDLOOKS
ATHISWATCH)Wherethehellishe?BloodyhellI
needapee.Ihopeshehasntdamagedtheplumbing.
(HESTANDSSEESTHEBUCKETMARKEDENSUITETOILET.
HEPICKSITUP)Ohwell,mayaswellgetintothe
ecofriendlything.
HEEXITSRIGHT.FROMLEFTKATEBENSON,
ENTERSWEARINGALONGCOATANDWEARING
PURPLEHIGHHEELS,STOCKINGSAND
CARRYINGAHOLDALLINONEHANDANDAN
OPENEDA5SIZEDENVELOPEINTHEOTHER.
SHELOOKSAROUNDINAMAZEMENTANDSEES
BAZ'SHOLDALL.

KATE:

Bloodycheapskatemagazine.He'sarrivedthen.(SHE
TAKESOUTASMALLERENVELOPEFROMTHELARGERONE,
OPENSITANDBEGINSTOREAD)Yourweekendis
sponsoredbythePinkRecycledToiletPaper
Company.What!Youwillfindeverythingyouneedto
sustainyourenvironmentallyfriendlyweekend.This
isweird.(THEN)WellI'mherenowandIsuppose
I'vegottomakethebestofabadjob.Atleast
I'vebeenpaid.(SHEPICKSUPTHEHOLDALLAND
RUMMAGESTHROUGHITANDREMOVESALONGTHINOBLONG
WRAPPEDBOX,LOOKSATITANDPUTSITBACK)Astick
ofBlackpoolrockIdon'tthink.(SHETAKESOUTA
BOTTLEANDPUTSITBACK)It'smyfavouritebody
oil.HemusthavebeenwatchingmyDVD'swhenI
playedavisitingmasseuseinamonastery.(SHE
TAKESOUTAPLASTICBAGANDREMOVESABLACKLEATHER
POSINGPOUCHANDAPURPLEVELVETJOCKSTRAPAND
HOLDSTHEMUP)Bytheseoldermenhavesomestrange
fantasies.Idon'tknow;iftheyonlyrealisedhow
idiotictheylookedinthem?Wellatleastitsthe
samecolourasmyunderwear.
THESOUNDOFATOILETBEINGFLUSHEDIS
HEARDOFFRIGHT.SHEREACTS.

KATE:

Hopeheputstheseatdown,ifthereisone.
(SHOUTING)Barry,itsKateBenson.I'llcomeupif
you'reready.(NORMAL)I'llclosemyeyesandjust
thinkofthecoupleofgrand.
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BARRY:

(OFF)ItsokayI'llbedowninsecthetoilet
won'tflush.I'venevercomeacrossonelikethis
onebefore.Weneedtohaveatalk.

KATE:

Notaweekendwithabloodyintellectual.That's
allIneed.(SHOUTING)I'llcomeup.

BARRY:

(OFF)No,I'llcomedown.Iwanttotellyou
somethingveryimportant.

KATE:

Ohno,notanintellectualwitherectile
dysfunctionproblems.We'lltalkaboutitall
weekendandbenofurtherforward.

BARRY:

(OFF)Iwanttogetitoffmychest.

KATE:

Notanintellectual,whocan'tgetitupandis
feelingguiltyaboutcheatingonhiswife.Imayas
welllistentoRadioFour,it'llbemore
interesting.(SHOUTING)Tellyouwhat.Youmakethe
bedandI'llslipoutofsomethingprovocativeand
we'llhavealongchat.I'msuresomethingwill
comeupintheconversation.

BARRY:

I'llcomedown.

KATE:

(SHOUTING)Whatever.(NORMAL)Ifthisdoesn't
chargeuphisbatterynothingwill.
SHETAKESOFFHERCOAT.SHE'SWEARINGA
PURPLETSHIRT,WHICHSHETAKESOFF
REVEALINGAPURPLEBRA.SHE'SWEARING
PURPLEBRIEFS,PURPLESUSPENDERS.SHE
UNCLIPSHERBRAANDHANGSITOVERTHE
BACKOFTHESOFAALONGWITHHERT
SHIRT.SHESITSANDCROSSESHERLEGS.
BARRYENTERSRIGHT.SHETURNSTHEN
STANDS.HELOOKSATHERUNFAZED.SHE
GOESTOHIMWITHOUTSTRETCHEDARMS.
Andthewinneris(PAUSE)BarryWatson.
SHEHUGSHIM.HERESPONDS.

BARRY:

(SMILING)Ah,MissBenson.Justlikeinyour
photographs.
THEYPART.

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KATE:

Well,anythinghappeningBarry.Youlookabit
olderthanyourphotograph.

BARRY:

I'vehadahardpaperroundtheselastfewmonths.

KATE:

Soyou'reintorecyclingtoo.

BARRY:

What!
SHEEXTENDSHERARMS,GESTURINGHIMTO
LOOKATHERBODY.

KATE:

Nevermind.Well,whatdoyoureckonthen?Yousaid
youweredyingtoseemeintheflesh.Wantmeto
takeoff,whatI'vegotlefton?

BARRY:

Itwon'tbenecessary.Pleasesit.
SHEGOESTOTHESOFA

KATE:

(CONFUSED)Okay,Areyousureyoudon'tneed
glasses.You'relookingatme,KateBenson,voted
byninetyninepercentofthereadersof"Upand
Ready,"asthewomanthey'dmostlike...

BARRY:

(CUTTINGIN)Glasses!

KATE:

Gotobedwith.Theotheronepercentwasgay.You
know,thedeviceyouputoveryoureyestomake
thingslookbiggerandclearer.

BARRY:

Idon'tneedglasses.Pleasesit.
SHESITS

KATE:

Look,Iknowmenofyouragecanhaveproblemsin
theboilerroom.Don'tworrywe'vegotfortyeight
hourstocheckouttheequipmentandgetitupand
running.
HESITSONTHEARMOFTHESOFASTAGE
LEFT.

BARRY:

Whatthehellareyouonabout?

KATE:

LittleBoyBlue.

BARRY:

LittleBoyBlue!You'retalkinginriddles.

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HELOOKSATHERINCREDULOUSLY.ASSHE
RECITESTHERHYMESHEGRABSHISHAND
ANDPATSIT.

KATE:

LittleBoyBlue,comeblowyourhorn!Thesheep's
inthemeadow,thecowsinthecorn.Butwhereis
theboywholooksafterthesheep?He'sunderthe
haycockfastasleep.Willyouwakehim?NonotI.
ForifIdo,he'ssuretocry.(THEN)It'snotthe
endoftheworld.We'llworksomethingout.
HESTANDS

BARRY:

Haveyoubeensmokingsomethingthat'sgreenand
notecofriendly

KATE:

Ifyouwanttobecoyitsokaybyme.We'llsortit
outafterafewdrinks.

BARRY:

I'mnotwhoyouthinkIam.

KATE:

It'sallright.Youwonthecompetitionfairand
square.Iwantedanoldermanforachange.The
ladsofmyagemaybeupforit,butafterfifteen
pints,acurryandthe"MatchoftheDay,"they're
nousetoanybody.Anameisaname.I'vegotmy
feeandyou'vegotme.(THEN)Whoareyouthen?

BARRY:

ChiefInspectorBarryWatson.
SHEQUICKLYCROSSESHERHANDSOVERHER
HERBOOBS,STANDS,GETSHERTSHIRTAND
QUICKLYPUTSITON.

KATE:

Ohmy,god.Ihopethisisnotasetup.Igot
caughtoutoncebeforewithafootballerinahotel
roominLondon.Itwasthefirsttimehescored
awayfromhomeinmonths.

BARRY:

Don'tbealarmedit'snothinglikethat.Justrelax
andsitdown.
SHESITS

KATE:

Ihaven'tdoneanythingwronghaveI?
HESITSNEXTTOHER.

BARRY:

No,no.It'sokay.It'sapersonalmatter.

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KATE:

Howpersonal?

BARRY:

Mysonshouldbearrivingshortly.

KATE:

(SMILING)Igetit.I'mhisbirthdaypresent.It
shouldmakegoodreadingintheChristmasedition.
Soyouenteredthecompetitionforyourson?How
thoughtful.

BARRY:

Yesandno.HeenteredthecompetitionandI
substitutedmyphotographanddetailsforhisandI
senthisphotographintoanothercompetition.Even
aswespeakhispopularitymustberising.He's
knownasLarryinLeathers.

KATE:

(ASTOUNDED)LarryinLeathers!OhI'vegoneweakat
theknees.I'veaconfessiontomake.

BARRY:

Youtalkingtotherightpersonunlessyou're
religious.

KATE:

OhthesleeplessnightsI'vehadfantasisingabout
LarryinLeathers.Iknowitshouldhavebeenyou,
butIjustcouldn'thelpmyself.

BARRY:

Don'tworryyoucanhavehimwhenhearrives.I
don'tthinkI'mfitforanything.
SHEPUTSHERARMROUNDHISSHOULDERS.

KATE:

Youpoorthing.Howgenerous.Howaboutsomeoneof
yourownagefortheweekend;Imightbeableto
arrangesomething.

BARRY:

Idon't...
FROMUPSTAIRSRIGHT,THESOUNDOFA
DOORBEINGSMASHEDDOWNANDTHENA
"TARZAN"LIKESHOUT.
Whatthehellisthat?

KATE:

SoundsabitlikeTarzan'smatingcall.
HELOOKSATHERANDINADVERTENTLYTAKES
OUTABREADROLLFROMHISINSIDE
POCKET.

BARRY:

Getbehindthechair.I'llcoveryou.

KATE:

(SHEGOES)Itsabun!
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BARRY:

What!(LOOKINGATITANDQUICKLYTHROWINGITAWAY
ANDTAKINGOUTHISPISTOL)Thanks!

KATE:

What'sgoingon?

BARRY:

It'salongstory.(POINTINGTHEPISTOLATRIGHT)
Let'shopethisistheendofit.
FROMRIGHTBAZENTERSLIKEACATWHO'S
HADTHECREAM.SUAVEANDCONFIDENTAND
SMILING.
Baz,thankgodforthat.I'mgladI'mconstipated.
(HEPUTSTHEPISTOLINHISHOLTER)
KATEPOPSHERHEADFROMBEHINDTHE
CHAIRANDSEESBAZANDBAZSEESHER.

BAZ:

Hi,dad.How'sithanging?

KATE:

LarryinLeathers,myfantasy!

BAZ:

KateBenson!Mydreamhascometrue.

BARRY:

She'syours,takeher.Therewasamixup.Iwon't
gointodetail.(HETAKESOUTANENVELOPEANDHANDS
ITTOHIM)Thesearetheinstructionsonhowtoget
toyourfilthyweekendhitechcottage.

KATE:

OhBaz!

BAZ:

Thanksdad.

BARRY:

What'shappeningupstairsisthereaproblem?

BAZ:

Noofcoursenot.She'ssleepingnow.Herthirst
hasbeenslaked.Herneedshavebeenfulfilled
butIdon'tknowforhowmuchlonger.

BARRY:

What!Who'ssleepingupstairs?

BAZ:

Bestyougoupandlook.Ithinkyouknowher.She
mightbeonyourwantedlist.

BARRY:

Reallyson.I'llgoandcheck.Anothercaseclosed
detected.Goodcrimefiguresthismonth.Youtwo
enjoyyourselves.Thanksson.

BAZ:

Thanksdad.
BARRYEXITSRIGHTANDTHEYEMBRACE.

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BAZ:

IfeelIknowyoualready.

KATE:

Andme.
THEYKISS,THENPART.

BAZ:

Comeon.Getyourthingstogether.
THEYBEGINTOCOLLECTTHEIRBELONGINGS.
KATEPUTSONHERCOATANDBAZPICKSUO
HISHOLDALL,

KATE:

Who'supstairs?

BAZ:

ShallIjustsayadamselindistress.Dad'sher
knightinshiningarmour.

KATE:

What!

BAZ:

He'sabouttofindouthowdistressedsheis.Come
onletsgo
THEYGOTOLEAVE,THEN...

BARRY:

(OFF)Ohmygod,it'sBigBettyBeautifulBetty
fromBrighton.
THEYSTOP

ALICE:

(OFF)AndyoumustbeBarryWatson.You'vecomeup
toseemehaven'tyou?

BARRY:

(OFF)Yes,Imeanno.Getoffme.Leavemytrousers
alone.Getoffmyzip.

ALICE:

(OFF)Comeintomyparlour,saidthespidertothe
fly.
BARRYSCREAMSTHENTHESOUNDOFNAILS
BEINGHAMMEREDINTOWOOD.THENA
SILENCE.

BAZ:

(SMILING)Wemayhavetogotoafuneral.

KATE:

What!
THELIGHTSDIMTODARKASTHEYWALKOFF
LEFTASDAZSPEAKS.

BAZ:

(SMILING)BigBettywasthelasttenthingshe
wantedtodobeforehedies.

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THEYBOTHLAUGH

CURTAIN/BLACKOUT

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