Dear Person Who Designs the Public Bathroom Stall Doors,

I thought of you today. I was in one of those large chain stores its not important which one,
lets just say it was one of those Big Boxes where the infinite variety of humanity parades
proudly under its fluorescent lights when natures urge came over me as I was dodging an
elderly woman driving an electric scooter. As this urge was solid in nature rather than liquid, I
made my way quickly to the restroom, entered the stall, and settled in to resolve my situation as
expeditiously as possible. And thats when I beheld your handiwork.
Eeno Saarinen had his sweeping curves. Frank Lloyd Wright had his cantilevers. And you have
your two-and-a-half inch gap on both sides of the bathroom stall door. Now, this was no isolated
incident. Ive encountered your ubiquitous, oversized door-hinge design many times over the
years. And as I sat there, trying in vain to shift my position to one in which I wouldnt be visible
to 90% of the rest of the mens room, I asked the question I always ask in this situation; Why?
Why in the name of God would you purposely craft such an insidious mockery of privacy? Im
taking a dump in a public place; I couldnt be more vulnerable if I hung naked upside-down from
the ceiling, and yet you thought it would be a swell idea to put two Introduction to Western
Civilization textbook-width holes on either side of the only thing between me and the rest of the
world. Why?
Is it safety concerns or making sure vagrants dont linger? Surely the gap at the bottom of the
stall door is more than sufficient for any security personnel to observe untoward behavior that
might be indicated by suspicious shin/ankle/feet activity and whisk the perpetrator away. Are
these gaps some sort of misguided social engineering experiment, Person Who Designs the
Public Bathroom Stall Doors? Are you trying to get us to engage with our fellow bathroomgoers? I cant speak for the ladies, but the mission statement for mens room behavior is very
simple: Dont Talk to Anyone. Ever. Not even if you walked in together, not even if you know
each other. Not at the sink, not at the urinal, and sure as hell not between a two-and-a-half inch
gap in the side of the stall door. So again I ask, why? Tell me, you sick, twisted, fecal voyeur!
Okay, Im sorry. That was harsh. Youre probably not a disturbed fetishist. My bad. There may
be valid reasons why you designed a bathroom stall door with two-and-a-half inch gaps. Maybe
you flunked that class in Bathroom Architect School. Perhaps you have dyscalculia (What does
that mean? Look it up, Person Who Designs the Public Bathroom Stall Doors, I cant do
everything for you). Maybe you come from a culture or background where making accidental
eye contact while defecating is accepted, or even appreciated.
But at the risk of sounding xenophobic, this is America. And while we may share everything
else compulsively as evidenced by Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Faceyelp, Twittersnap,
Instatumblrfacegram, etc. we want our pooping to be private. Im pretty sure the Founding
Fathers would have included that inalienable right in the Constitution if they hadnt been so
preoccupied with making sure fourteen-year-olds could buy military-grade automatic weapons
without restrictions of any kind in the twenty-first century.
So do the right thing, Person Who Designs the Public Bathroom Stall Doors. Help us preserve
what little dignity we have left. Give us back our privacy. Start the healing. Close the Gap.