REAL DELUSIONS

________________
Maritere Berrios

Raider Publishing International

___________________________
New York

London

Cape Town

 2011 Maritere Berrios

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ISBN: 978-1-61667-226-3
Published By Raider Publishing International
www.RaiderPublishing.com
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Printed in the United States of America and the
United Kingdom

To Dave, for bringing light in my darkness, writing smiles

on my face and keeping me from drowning in my sea of
tears. For bringing the voice of reason when mine is
muted, moving me when Im paralyzed and being patient
when Im not myself. Words will always fail to describe
just how meaningful your friendship is to me. This
endeavor wouldnt have been possible without you.
To my psychiatrist, for never giving up on me, and always
figuring out more alternatives.
To the series of unformed thoughts and collection of
memories that lift me up and smash me down when I least
expect. Over and over again.

REAL DELUSIONS
________________
Maritere Berrios

She
Her name is Lorelai.
Beautiful girl
Violent war in her head
White and Black
Light and Dark
Forever torn
Her mind so worn
Her name is Lorelai
Successful soul
Imprisoned yet free
She carries on
Smile on her face
Until her thundering storm
Takes her soul again

Katharsis
Undressed bodies lie in line
Layers of filth cover their skin
Luminous yet dark inside
Hollering for you to purify
This world crumbles under me
It stands broken, consumed by rust
Souls reflect in pieces
Now I must pay the cost
War taking over my inner peace
Bullets coming right at meStanding silent I wanna scream
My skin burning inch by inch
Our eyes are blind
Unable to see
Not all is lost
Although it seems
Bolts of clarity shocking me
Dressed in darkness as they revealed
Past this Deserts Heat
Is where well find Your Oasis
I finally made it or so it seems
So many holes that start to heal
Fresh water pouring over me
Little by little, washing my sins
2

Katharsis II
So lost, out of place
I breathe life into me
Yet I only feel death
Fields of despair
This life and the next
My vision blurs
I start to feel weak
Yet as I stumble
Your hands touch me
Restoring my strength
I open my eyes
Im somewhere else
No longer dark
No more death
I breathe life into me
My soul brand new
Forests of illusion
Pulling me through
I hear a melody
Mysterious and sweet
I immediately follow
Lightning struck
Im on the ground
3

4
The melody still there
Waiting to be found
Is this real?
How could it not be?
Lightning strikes again
Im not afraid
Running, running
Going insane
Cant find it
Im losing this race
My vision went black
Then came the light
You stood there
Calling out my name
Through your song
Like under a spell
I embraced you
You purified me
In the Lake of Life
Standing beside you
Im free at last.

Maritere Berrios

Behind the Mirror

I can hide things
But my eyes wont
Theyre the mirror
Of my wounded soul
I sit still
Yet my heart runs, my mind wanders
The wind caresses my skin
And into nature I disappear
Cannot define this I feel
Making me think
How Ive been, how should I be
Being at war yet feeling peace
Regression, oppression, depression
Pulled in many directions
Obsessions, perceptions
Cant help but question
Know Im strong enough
Yet Im so weak
And as I seek reality
Cant help but see
Im a victim of my consequence
Self-inflicted wounds in me
Blood still fresh
After all these years
5

6
Still the bitter taste
I am what I am
I feel as I feel
I come and go
Madness within

Maritere Berrios

Broken Doll
Look in the mirror
What do you see?
Lively beauty
That comes from within
Look in the mirror
What do I see?
Sorrow, pain
Wounds that still bleed
Look in my eyes
What do you see?
Fire, passion
All over me
Look in my eyes
What do I see?
Lots of darkness
Sucking me in
Look at me
What do you see?
Passion, beauty
Freedom and will
Look at me
What do I see?
Pain, darkness
A struggle to be
7

Maritere Berrios

You are a part of me

How can that be?
You make me, you break me
I try to be free
You love me, you hate me
I try to believe
You judge me, you stab me
I cry and bleed
My wings are broken
Yet I can still fly
My voice unspoken
Will my spirit arise?
Slow, steady
Song of the wind
Calling me home
Bringing me peace

My eyes wide open

Im finally awake
Youve let me go for now
Trapped within myself
Forever your broken doll

Like I Am
Flying with no wings
Dying while I breathe
Speaking with no words
Screaming in silence
My brain spills blood
As it comes undone
Questions pending
Answers unknown
Looking for truth
Blinded by lies
Losing my youth
Darkness in sight
Drifting away
My efforts in vain
Someday Ill be fine
No longer afraid
To win I must lose
To live I must die
To let loose I must restrain
To laugh I must cry
To heal I must bleed
To feel I must be numb
To grow I must wither
Just like I am
9

Frozen Madness
Pools of sorrow
Dripping from her eyes
Tracing the bloodstream
She struggled to hide
Wet is her face
Red from the storm
Black her disgrace
Torn from her soul
Full of waste
Shes just taken in
Building up space
She wants to delete
Frantic, heart-wrenching pace
Killing all over again
How much more can she take
Before withering unto despair
Pale is her skin
Eyes open wide
Madness has sunk in
No sense of pride
Like a rose petal
Hurt by its thorns
I keep dripping blood
From the veins Ive cut
10

Ethereal Flame
I hear your voice
Calling out for me
Dark, twisted maze
I smell your perfume
Raising my hairs
Fast, frantic race
I feel your heartbeat
Trapped in my head
Hot lust, wetness inside
I touch your skin
Sweat trickling
Down my fingertips
I feel your warmth
What more could I want?
Then you grab my hair
I lose all sense
My warmth keeps building
To your gentle caress
I taste your desires
Do you taste mine?
The fire is building
May our bodies burn
Turning to ashes
Ethereal flame
11

Right Poison
Already dead within my life
Inside the darkness in the light
Of the fire that burns my pride
Now theres nothing left to find
What is it? What must be?
Nothing at all, just reasoning
Youre the knife that cuts so deep
Ripping wounds that I must heal
Who is this Ive become?
Dull, numb and burdensome
In need of powerful antidotes
To kill the pain that this has caused
Drink! Drink! Make it die
Dark poison, make it right
In this cold, rotten night
Make sure it dies this time

12

Filthy Strings
Look, Im just a marionette
Playing along with the charade
That has always thrown me over the edge
Ever since Ive been in this place
Why should I be real?
Thatll ruin your fantasy
In the meantime, what about me?
Ill just please your every need
Sometimes you pull the strings so hard
It cuts me and I start to bleed
Losing sight
Am I fake or am I real?

13

Dark Light
Inner demons coming out to play
Where it was once bright
And peace reigned
Here inside my mind
Where it was all fake
Happiness turned to misery
Peace turned to war
Light turned to darkness
Tears turned to blood
Here inside my heart
Unwanted and filthy
In a hole
No longer breathing
Inside my soul
No longer believing
Here at the core
Hot, cold and lonely
Awaiting the storm
That tears me apart
Though making me calm
Rain, thunder, lightning
All inside my head
Am I left to myself?
Nor light nor dark ever prevail
14

Silent
Silence is fragile
Silence is pure
Silence now the cure
To clean my inner roots
Silence hears me
Makes me brand new
Silence I speak
To find out my truth
Silence kills me
Making me come alive
Silence invading
I no longer hide
Silence takes me far away
Out of my mind
To numb up the pain
Giving me strength
Silence hears me
It doesnt judge
There when I need it
So I dont feel alone
Silence is divine
So are you
Silence pours over me
Taking me closer to you
15

16

Maritere Berrios

Youre infinite
Like ocean waves
Coming undone
Only to start again
Through all this craze
Silence still remains
Telling me I must fail
In order to gain
Little silent girl
You lie within me
With so much to tell
Please let go of your shell
Silence, help me
I must retrieve
All the hidden pieces
That have become of me

Passion Overload
If only you could taste my passion
Get a glimpse of my desire
Bitter, hard to swallow
Like poison that takes me under
Would someone take this off my shoulders?
Im dehydrated and out of oxygen
My veins have dried up
My eyes unable to see
My wings are broken
My voice unable to speak
I scream, I growl
Silence concealing
I grieve, I hurt
Raining within me
If only you could see the light
Get a hold of my senses
Burning; my own fire
Blisters that bleed
Would someone come to heal?
Im sick, Im tired
Of my own reasoning
I cried, I tried
Body imprisoning

17

18

Maritere Berrios

Acid darkness peeling my skin

All the layers of insanity and filth
Until I stand naked
To this I feel

True Renewal
Breathe life into me
Make me stay true
Keep my feelings deep
Colourful, instead of bleached
Reality seems too real
Heat rising, burning my veins
Its cold here inside my head
From time to time, all over again
Wash and wear
Rip and tear
Stripped and bare
Should I care?
May your light invade me
Will my faith save me?
Take me to a place I never knew
After all the stuff Ive been through
Pure and clear
Clean and healed
Courage and fear
Truth revealed

19

Down Beneath
I feel so weak
My existence now so bleak
Slowing down each heartbeat
Breathing the air that now kills me
Drifting far, far away
Wondering if theres anything left
Unlike a headache
It doesnt go away
Down and under in just one sec.
The rope that holds me
Starting to break
Lost it all
Right in my face
Nothing else can I give
So I just give whats left of me
Forgive me, forgive me
Peace Im trying to seek
The road has worn me out
Vanishing beneath my feet

20

In the Hourglass
My skin is peeling
The itch grows stronger
Mind unprepared
Yet this I must go under
To make me new again
Hard, cold, pathetic weather
Serving to exfoliate
All dead cells and tissues
All fears and inhibitions
All the anger and hate
That had twisted my fate
Time has passed
Sand in my hands
Dead in the past
Alive at last
Hot, covered in sweat
Must keep to myself
Hold on till it ends
System collapses
I re-emerge

21

Midnight Mist
My soul feels empty
My eyes full of tears
This night holds me captive
I wanna scream
No one to talk to but the starlit sky
My bodys tired
My minds a wreck
The sun must enlighten
Tomorrows way
Tired of thinking
Me and my thoughts
What you think of me
What I think of this
Whatll happen now?
No one to talk to but the midnight mist

22

Redemption
A knife right through me
My tears keep flowing
I look overhead
Lightning, thunder
Cant say a word
I scream
No one can hear me
Am I worth listening?
I hate myself
Love myself
Redeem myself.

23

Are You Ready?

Thunder, lightning
Dark misty rain
The storm is coming
Are you ready yet?
My wounds have strengthened me
No longer feel pain
My mind races me
But I still catch its pace
You seem weakened
Your eyes so bleak
Your wounds bleeding
Will you ever see?
You stabbed me
Yet I healed
You beat me
Yet I still believe
The storm has come
Your body bare
Your mind undone
Did you ever realize
This storm would come?
If only you would have
Listened and cared
24

Real Delusions
Accepted my deceiving ways
All the times I tried
To please your every wish
Werent enough
So be it, I love me more
Your words dont hurt me
Your knives wont bleed me
Your bullets dont catch me
Forever I run
So now youre kneeling
In your own blood
The rain grows stronger
Lightning, thunder
Your endless sobs
I stand from afar
Moon behind me
Sea of stars
All I can do
Sit here and watch
I wont hurt you
Like you did me
The storm will cleanse you
Of all your sins

25

What If?
The pieces wont fit
I lie here motionless
My body stiff
I lie here soul-less
Wondering what if
My eyes are closed
No longer see
The beauty around me
The beauty of thee
No longer a soul
No longer feel
The pain that consumed me
The pain that killed me
The pieces wont fit
Bones are breaking
Fall into pieces
I wonder what if
Part of the Universe
I float amongst thee
You mourn me and miss me
For youll never see
Im a nuisance
Worthless human being
Cant function normally
An obstacle for thee
26

Real Delusions
This is the truth
Youd never see
So I took the initiative
And freed you from me
I went to the Heavens
Didnt let me in
I went to the Devil
He made fun of me
So I roam around you
Eternally here
Sorrow, misery
Forever in me
Broken for all time
I wonder what if

27

Should I?
Though I smile on the outside
I scream on the inside
I wither inch by inch
After all you were right
Im a filthy, filthy girl
An embarrassment
A failed attempt at perfection
A case of manipulation
In which I still succumb
Should Ive ever been born?
I still dont know
Youd be happier
Youd have got
Just what you bargained for

28

Deceptive
Out of oxygen
Drowning in pain
I stand here broken
Fallen from grace
I wither inside
Tears on my face
Forever I hide
Ethereal disguise
Invisible to everyone
I die once again
Yet you notice me
Try to ease my pain
Deceptive to everyone
Including myself
Reaching for a star
Yet I cant even stretch
Forever I lie
Behind this mask
For Im despicable
My soul unforgiven
Mysterious enigma
Cool and distant
Out of energy
29

30

Maritere Berrios

I die of despair
Myself an enemy
Forever haunting me
Ive fallen once again
When you cut me I bleed
When you hit me I fall
When you insult me
I hide in my hole
Filthy clean
I face the world
Bleeding to death
Forever falling
Breaking in pieces
I stand alone.

Torn
My soul is broken
Nowhere to go
I run endlessly
I hide from you all
I wanna kill myself
Cant find the way.
I race my thoughts
Till I run out of air
No one awaits me
For Im unworthy
For Im corrupted
For Im insane
Forever torn in two
Fire and Ice
Lies and truths
Death welcomes me
Luminous gaze

31

My Other Me
I lie here in bed
Racing thoughts
All over again
My soul fights
Against this despair
Yet she controls me
Under her spell I succumb
The rest of the time
I just feel numb
To all this darkness
Deep inside my head
Broken doll
I stand alone
Torn in two
Seeking the truth
I tremble in silence
Cant stop the tears
I wanna die
I wanna scream
Wanna erase
All these memories
I regain consciousness
My tears have dried
I wash my face
Fake a smile
Forever I will hide
32

Cycle Sick
Will this ever be over?
Sorrow now reigns
Madness took over
Cant think for myself
Im running, Im running
No specific place
Im starving, Im starving
I binged once again
Dont wanna do this
Or Ill go insane
Yet I repeat myself
Over and over again
Stupid, obsessive
Damned to myself
Downright corrosive
Draining my strength
Endless frustrations choke me again

33

My Hole
All seems lost
My soul turning to rust
All is lonely and black
Where am I at?
Down in my hole
Losing self-control
Right where I belong
Push me further
See how much I can endure
Cause Im near the edge
Putting it all at stake
Meant to be in the dark
Amongst everything I lack
Then I reach the eye of the storm
Where all is relative calm
Just when I get my hopes up
Tears will come along
To purify my soul
To cleanse me from myself
To make me indulge in this dark place
To remind me no matter how hard I try to hide
Im hurt inside
Cant see no light
34

Real Delusions
Cause my wings are broken
So why bother to fly?
Wanna make you all happy
At my own expense
Drowning in my own misery
Cant let you win
I have to rescue me
As I have done before.
My wounds dont heal
Because the thorns within
Keep making me bleed
Need to resist
Need to overcome this feeling
But I have become too weak

35

Reflection
Down to the bones
Ive lost control
Thin is my flesh
Lost my self-worth
Drain all my veins
Food is just waste
My stomach hurts
Hunger is fake
Fade in the rain
No longer feel pain
Kill all my brain cells
To live as the dead
Look at my face
Lifeless and pale
My eyes calling out
Begging for help
Hate the mirror
Hate what I see
Caught in the flood
Unable to swim
Afraid of slipping
I try to change
Find myself binging
Under all this stress
36

Real Delusions
Nothingness I craved
Nothing Ive become

37

Only You
Not transparent but translucent
Not clear but hazy
Only you can unveil
Lost in this world
Lost in this cell
Lost in the wounds
Lost in my youth
Only you can rearrange
Not innocent but guilty
Not proud but ashamed
Not healthy but scarred
Not me but myself
Not bright but dimmed
Only you can tell
Not my mind but my judgment
Not pure but corrupted
Not yours but my fault
Not you but Im self-destruct
Trapped in lies
Not broken but fucked up
Lost in my game
38

Real Delusions
Not once but once again
Before you I come undone
Before you I undress my soul
Before you I wither
Only you wont know
Ive become addicted
Poison has worn me out
All this self-inflicted
Wonder how Ill get out

39

What Am I?
My face is a prison
Yet no one can see
It looks so pretty
How can that be?
Walking through sand
Without a footprint
Take a closer look
Try to peek in
My door is locked
Dont want you to see
The walls keep caving in
The smell is intoxicating
Unable to breathe
What loneliness will do
To a young lost self
My eyes are icy
But I wont accept
My mouth is shut
Try to speak volumes
My heart is broken
Will it ever repair?
No one ever saw it
No one will
40

Real Delusions
No one but me
Pushing it all away
Just like everyone pushed her
Putting on a nice face
Concealing her anguish
What would one do to fit in?
Already used to it
Why does it hurt?
Like an old scar
Reopened again
By the cruel words you said

41

The Abyss
Reached the edge
Turned against myself
Time and time again
It feels like a living hell
So many questions in my head
Unable to answer
Too much pain inside
Its taken my laughter
Down in a hole
Losing grip, losing it all
Old scars that still bleed
Hurting my fragile flesh
Why am I here?
Trying to breathe
Yet the air is thick
It kills me slowly
As I quietly scream
Why do I feel this way?
Too many emotions I cant explain
No logical reason can I find
Undealt issues Id put away
Now theyre on my mind
So here I stay
42

Real Delusions
Speaking my silent agony
I shake, I wanna cry
Have I gone dead inside?
Am I selfish, full of pride?
Is this really me?
Am I drifting away from all thats right?
Im just a human being
Im not evil
Just leave me be
Time is so slow
As I torment myself
With what I couldve done

43

Salvation~ Damnation
Locked out of this world
Locked within me
All since my birth
Heavenly hell
Look at the lines
That now mark my face
Misery and pain
Fallen from grace
Come here inside
Seek for yourself
Mysteries unsolved
To which now I succumb
Locked out of this world
Locked within me
Losing my youth
My nightmare is my truth
Look at the tears
That cover my eyes
Calling in silence
Each and every night
Take a step and you will see
Angry frustration
Fearful pain
44

Real Delusions
Strength, courage
Will you help me please?
Im dying yet no one can see
Strength, courage
Will you help me please?
To break out of these chains

45

Black Sun
This ship is sinking
Cold midnight air
Your essence surrounds me
As I fight the waves
I wished to die
You damned me to live
My eyes are blind
Yet my soul can see
All this pain unspoken
Cursed to silence
Cursed to lie
Tried being a good girl
To you Im a filthy whore
Many nights I cried
Seeking solace and light
I could only find darkness
To lead my way
Into this cruel reality
That is my world

46

Sorry
Im sorry.
For being as I am
For being a nuisance
For being a bad sister
For being a bad daughter
For being a stupid person
For all the pain Ive caused
For all the lies Ive said
For being so harsh on myself..
Im sorry Im sorry
Please forgive me.

47

Hypermotion
My emotions are so intense
Takes over all sense of self
Caught in between
Will my sanity pass the test?
One moment Im fine
The next Id wish I die
To make them peaceful
To stop hating me for who I am
Im sorry, Im sorry
Ive caused so much pain
But I must heal
Or Ill go insane
Couldnt step up to your plate
Now I look you in the eye
As you inflict me pain
No longer your rag doll
You wont make me break.

48

Instead
Im running, Im running
Anger within
My life your deceit
My frustration your treat
Im screaming, Im screaming
Misery in me
You never listened
You never will
Im dying, Im dying
Going insane
Would you come to me?
And love me instead?

49

Into the Hollow

My tears flowing
Into the oceans
Screaming souls
Begging for forgiveness
Am I real?
Maybe a ghost
Or someone who lived
So long ago?
Is this true?
Or is it fake?
Just like all my life
A painful charade
My screams echo
Into nothingness
Into my hollow body
Into the air

50

Do You?
Can you see?
Or am I invisible
To those I meet
Im irresistible
Do you hear me?
Cause I keep quiet
My voice is weak
Unable to speak
I no longer feel
Ill never heal
Blood on my wrist
Waiting to die and be redeemed

51

New Horizons
The fog has cleared
Or so it seems
Faith has grown me wings
Now I fly free
Your ignorance astounding
Unable to see
Past your doors
Beyond the horizon
The clouds are gone
The rain has dried up
Able to breathe
Beauty within

52

Clean
I
The sky turns black
Frantic heartbeat
Theres no turning back
Your pulse slowing down
Blood, fresh on my hands
Dark acid rain
What should I do?
I run to the river
Water, fresh and pure
So I take your body
That once I possessed
Kiss your forehead
As I lay you to rest
My hands clean
Not leaving a trace
II
Screaming.
Terror still in my head
I run back to you
But youre not there
Screaming.
Collapse on the floor
Memories in pieces
53

54

Maritere Berrios

I start to recall
Screaming.
Tremble and shake
He controlled me
To take you away
III
I gather myself
Cant take all this pain
As I lose consciousness
Embraced by Death

Two
My soul is broken
Nowhere to go
I run endlessly
To hide from you all
Wanna kill myself
Dont know the way
I keep running
Till I run out of air
No one awaits me
For Im unworthy
For Im filthy
For Im insane
Forever torn in two
Fire and Ice
Lies and Truths

55

Youre Right
Though I smile on the outside
I scream on the inside
I burn inch by inch
After all you were right
Im a filthy bitch
A failed attempt at perfection
A case of manipulation
In which I still succumb
Should Ive ever been born?
Will I ever know?
Youd be happy
Youd have got
What you bargained for

56

To Anyone
All alone
In this sea of tears
Drowning in anger
Overcome by guilt
I write to anyone
Whos willing to hear
Afraid to speak
About my insanity
On the verge of breaking
Im tying loose ends
I come and go
Just like ocean waves
My mind drifts
Each and every day
I should just die
Or so I hear
From the voice in my head
And my other me
Should I listen?
Or just bury such thing
Im just a burden
For all those willing to keep

57

Unborn
To live or to die
Which path to chose
To live in pain
To die in misery
To hurt those around me
Or to set them free
Coming undone
Im all alone
She wants to kill me
Why fight my own self
Mother Im sorry
For all this deception
Pain and depression
My presence has caused
Shouldve just kept me unborn

58

Fat Shadow
I feel disgusting
This night again
My mind is corrupted
I wish this would change
How much is too much
I dont know anymore
Look in the mirror
My reflection is lost
I feel ugly, fat and stupid
Even though Im told otherwise
Im so screwed up
Cant take anymore
So I put on makeup
Boots and miniskirt
Wear my glasses
Conceal my shitty truth
Its out of my hands
Always within me
I wont hurt anyone
So I hurt my weak self
Wanna give it a rest
But it wont go away
Its here in my head
Im doomed for it stays
59

My Way
Here I come
Strong, clean as a waterfall
Out from the abyss
So many things Ive missed
Its my time
Its my turn
Light my candle
Have my way
Watery sins
That now dry up
Making you free
Leaving me tangled up

60

Razorclean
Got nothing right to say
Got nothing coming my way
Razorblade slitting my throat
Angry and painful
Ever so alone
Blood that now must cleanse me
Of my pain relieve me
Leave thy bloody red stain
Make my thoughts rearrange

61

Puzzle
My life is shattered
All the pieces have been scattered
Right in front of me
Yet I cant find them
Wont you please light my way?
Take this fear outta my head?
Time ticks, its still the same
Heart beats, this must end

62

Mania
All built up
About to break
Reason dies
Instinct remains
Glistening
In the race
From the pain
All its grace
Up above
Down below
All fucked up
And up again
Fuel burning
Lead the way
Impulse pulling
Get your way
Blood boiling
Veins running
Heart pumping
Through the day
Feeding
Here inside
In the tide
From your pride
63

Fire
Fire
Youre my main desire
Fire
Has burnt me, so tired
Fire
Your smoke takes me higher
Fire
Has shaped me, soul of a fighter
Fire
I need your caress
Fire
Has defied me, time of the test
Fire
You turn me to ash
Fire
Has taken me, all in a flash

64

Anamia = Mania
Fill the void
Fill the space
Fill the cracks
Caused by stress
Not now, not today
Maybe tomorrow, if not someday
Ill control the food
And not it control myself
Chew my troubles
Taste my pain
Swallow my fear
Till Im overfed
Cyclic despair
Over and over again
Starve on liberty
Craving acceptance
Blind and deaf
Numbing myself
Pent-up frustrations
Incomplete puzzle
Far from perfection
Makes me crumble
Under and under I go
Into the depths
65

66

Maritere Berrios

Of whats real and whats not

How should I be and how not
Full of nothingness
Binging tears me apart
Feeling filthy and flawed
Time to do some cleansing
Before it once again starts

Body Perfect
What is the measure of perfection?
Its beyond my reach
Its bruised my mind and self-esteem
The one Id die for
Not anymore, not for me
Perfect, flawless eye candy
How does it feel?
To hold a frame that isnt real
Yet its so fucking ideal
You make me feel like shit
I wanted to be like you
I admit I still do
Yet after all Ive been through
Its pointless Ill never be quite like you
Unless I continue to tear me apart
Till the point of nothingness
That once felt so nice
Thought it still wasnt enough
And my hips were still too wide
Youre all perfect
Not a bit of fat
Low rise jeans hug your skin
Flat abs to kill
In mags, movies and TV
I cant escape them
67

68

Maritere Berrios

They keep haunting me

If the average girl isnt like you
Why do I feel so fat and ugly?
Why am I still afraid of food?
Why have I lost control?
Ill be better someday
Ive started over again
Foods the enemy
No longer my creed
Binge eating
No longer part of me
Someday I wanna look I the mirror
Accept what I see
Find some unique beauty
The one I see in everyone
When I look at my nakedness
Try to be patient and not afraid
Of the flaws that make me human
For Im not meant to be perfect
Im no longer ashamed

Shut Down
Mind is swollen
Time not rolling
Tears keep flowing
As I toss here in bed
Words so certain
Rude awakening
My soul trembling
Would someone care?
Rust consuming
Whats already eaten away
Running out of air
Yet I never learned how to breathe
What would it be
To be someone else?
To live a life
Ill never possess?
Is it my fault?
Or is my life just fucked up?
Cutting my throat
Here so alone

69

Non-Beauty
Wanna give this a rest
Throw all this waste up
Flush it all away
Forget it happened in the first place
When did I start this?
I want it to cease
Yet it takes over
I succumb with such ease
My mind full of spider webs
My image so unclear
Ugly=beautiful
Isnt beauty from within?
Love me as I am
Im merely human
As I try to seek
The beauty that the eye cannot see

70

Again
Ive failed once again
Soul withers, body burns
Itll fade away
Just in time to take over
In a much stronger way
Tears roll down my face
Reminder of my fallen state
Lost, so out of place
Cause I always acted like this
In the first place

71

Me=Deceit
Im such a disgrace
All your efforts put to waste
This taste so bitter
Makes me scream and quiver
Tried to be your pride and joy
Tried to fit into your mold
All thats taken its toll
Piece by piece myself I destroy
Now the mysterys unfolded
To reveal what Ive always known
I aint what you wanted
Nor will I ever be
For Im dirty
Youre so clean
If they make you happy
Do as you please
Theres no need for me
For I only bring deceit

72

Take Me
Speaking in silent agony
The walls keep closing in
Tears have dried me up
Soul dead, body numb
Look at this Ive become
Meant to be a pretty rose
Yet I wear a crown of thorns
Bleeding myself to the bone
Take me in this soothing ache
Bring me to this deadly state
Cradle me within thy claws
Chew me up violently
Lick my wounds
Make them heal
Tear me open
Force the black out of me
Lock me up to make me free

73

Shades of Black
Where have you gone?
All youve hidden from
Is here to haunt you
If you dont let go
Youre what you were
You were what you are
Back at the start
Afraid of your past
Your past is now
The sky turned dark
Your soul bleeding
Your mind leaking
Shades of black
Youre what you were
You were what you are
Loathing it all
You fear who you are
Your tears flow
Caught in the flood
You want an escape
To fuck it all
Your veins youve cut

Your skin youve burnt

74

Real Delusions
Yourself youve raped
Break you in pieces
Make them whole again
Youre what you were
You were what you are
All youve done
Turn your home to rust
Let the voice speak
Let it be heard
Break the gates open
Escape from this hell
That held you captive
Until this day
The curse is broken
Evil unveiled

75

Sold
All that youve known
Is nothing
All that youve felt
Is worthless
All that youve lived
Is a lie
Now youre powerless
Nothing but a whore
Bones broken, self-destruct
Taking over, loose control
Close your eyes
Start to shout
Too late, no way out
Its all your fault
For your soul is sold

76

What / Why
What is freedom?
That which isnt meant for me
What is acceptance?
That which I wont achieve
Until I look out for me
What is truth?
That which I dont find
Cause my heads full of lies
Why dont I speak?
Id rather not tell
Some things are better left unsaid
Why am I so fucked up?
Just tried to please you
Devoured my essence
Until I came undone
Im the rotten apple from your tree
Even though I tried to conceal
Now my spell has broken
As I stand revealed
I aint what you bargained for
Im just unreal
I failed you
Like I had done me
77

78

Maritere Berrios

Never had the courage

To show you who I am
I just didnt come out
As you had planned
I just denied my existence
Wanted to make you proud
An experiment that failed
Nothing left to do or say
Im sorry, its all my fault
No logical reason
Whats done is done
My soul is worn
My heart faded out
Id like to just
Figure myself out

Interlude
What is nature?
Sitting on this bench
My mind so refreshed
What is my purpose?
At times confused
At times relieved
Whats the use?
So much clutter
So little room
Looking for an essence
The eye doesnt see
Looking for something
The human mind wont conceive
It keeps me alive
Its in the air I breathe
When Im confined
It sets me free

79

Filthy Girl
Your stare cuts me
Like a sharp razorblade
My blood drips red
Marking its trail on my flesh
My eyes running out of life
My hands full of filth
Results from the waste within
My tears come visit me
Trying to make it clean
Clock ticks. What have I done?
Time for me to hide within my hole
Cradle me as I become numb
I no longer care if you break my soul
Wounds can only shape me
Not destroy me or break my bones
I know you dont want me
For Im a filthy girl
But thats okay
Someday Ill make it just wait
Youll never accept me
I wont care anymore

80

A New Day, Mom

Blood that runs through my eyes
Carrying the madness
That makes me go insane
Please do something
To fix my soul, which is strained
Tried caffeine
Though it didnt work
Maybe some morphine
Will numb this pain
All I do seems empty and vain
My heart is in knots
I want to cry
Yet no tears come out
Like theyre frozen inside
Dont know if Im wrong or right
Just try to use all my might
To undo the wrongs
And make them right
Wish I knew what to say
To make you feel all right
Yet I just sit and stare
Listening to what you need to say
I might seem cold, but I do care
You feel this is a nightmare
81

82

Maritere Berrios

Guess what, so do I
Cant see you this way
Cant stand his stupidity
Trampling on your feelings
That are now so frail
Yet I just listen and stay quiet
Like I have nothing to say
But I need to speak up
Even though I wont be heard
He doesnt realize the damage done
He can be so ignorant, never wrong
Unable to listen to anyone but himself
Im feeling worn and tired
But I must move on
Try to give you strength
In order for you to carry on
Youll be okay soon enough
This will be over, that day will come
Some light is coming
On your brand new day

Daily Nightmare
Time to wake up
This aint a dream
It is the nightmare
Every day I must live
Same old me
Same old bitch
Same blank stare
Trying to freeze
The tears inside my soul
That is now dead
Once again the same shit
You feel lonely
You feel pain
Youre disillusioned and angry
No one but me can I blame
I wanna speak up
I have things to say
But whats it worth?
Im wrong anyway
The fact that I speak
Doesnt mean Ill be heard
Ill come out of the dark
I know that with time I can
Cant keep doing this
83

84

Maritere Berrios

Breaking my soul in pieces

It wont get me far
Itll kill my identity
Itll break my destiny
I must accept who I am

Fuck the Girl

in the Mirror = Me
Mirror, mirror; break this curse
Tear me apart; make me new again
Take me somewhere far from here
Away from the darkness
In which now I live
The one that lies beneath my skin
Mirror, mirror; tell me why
I cant bear the look in her eyes
They just reflect my vast emptiness inside
Mirror, mirror; look out!
My inner childs coming
Full of bitterness
Breaking my inner light
She likes to haunt me
Destroy all thats mine
Mirror, mirror; whos that girl?
In front of her nothing can I hide
Shes so cruel at times
Likes to rub things in my face
But guess what?
Fuck you! Ill no longer care!

85

I Want But
I want to fly
But I just break my wings
I want to cry
Yet I hold back the tears
I want to run
But Ive grown too tired
I put myself down
While I could take me higher
I want time
But its too late
I want to scream
Yet I keep my mouth shut
I want to be
All that Im not
I want to look out for myself
But Im just too weak
I want to feel as if Im right
But Ive always been wrong
I want to test myself
To see all I can give
For I know Im better
Than you think I am
But I need to believe in me
Before others can
86

Due
My time is due
Im just all screwed up
Nothing left to do
But break free and be true
The harder I try
The harder it gets
Nothing is all I can give
To fill that empty space
Im just a freak
Thats all I can be
Now I fall in my abyss
To no longer please
And just exist
Sorry I couldnt step up to the plate
Sorry Im the family disgrace
Sorry I dont handle it well
Still, no one can take my place
No I dont blame it on you
Ive always been guilty
Hard to deal with, fake and numb
Being who I am
Is just a burden to you
You wanted perfection
Yet Im full of flaws
87

88

Maritere Berrios

Need to accept myself

Need to forgive the other me
I must treat my soul gently
So that I can fully heal
Please forgive me
Id like you to see who I am
Seems I never gave you the chance
And fearful as I used to be
Im me at last

To Die=To Live
Nothings right
Nothings wrong
You are but youre gone
You feel the end has begun
Youre standing in the abyss
Wondering if youll be missed
No one to talk to
No one who cares
Yet the answer lies
Within yourself
Your soul has grown bitter
Feel youre no longer needed
But please reconsider
For time will make things clearer
Who knew itd be so hard to accept oneself?
Your mind can become such a prison cell
Yet when hope kicks in
You know things can get well
As you learn to accept yourself
Things will fall into place
So keep a slow but steady pace
Open up your soul
And let love shine through
Cause love itself will heal your wounds
89

90

Maritere Berrios

Make yourself brand new

So take life and embrace it
Be glad you havent left yet
Choose to fight and dont surrender
Cause from now on
Things can only get better

My Craving
Darkness everywhere
Only the two of us
Your lips leading the way
To this inevitable state
Let me love you darling
Or else Ill go insane
Need to warm you
With my incandescent flame
Magic at your fingertips
I just cant resist
Let me taste your sweetness
As I feed off your flesh
Youre addictive
Cant help myself
I live off your essence
Youre just what I crave

91

Corrupted
Filtering through my veins
As you recklessly run
Through my pristine body
Turning up the heat
Out of time, out of place
Yet the scene is stamped on my flesh
Purely corrupted, filthy clean
Taking hold of my whole entire being
I want you so bad
But is this what Im after?
No clue how I should be
Im such a disaster
Push and pull, torn in two
Keep to myself or give into you
Setting my soul ablaze
Will it warm me or burn me?

92

Little Hell
Dont know where I stand
Im sinking in quicksand
Try to resist but I cant
I scream and shout
But my bodys too weak and worn out
I know I have to make things right
Im so dark I cant see the light
At times I feel Im not worth it
So why fight?
So much confusion
Was this an illusion?
Sudden reality check
The air is thick and hard to bear
How could I have built my own little hell?
Reason keeps me imprisoned

93

True Pain,
Artificial Smiles
I try to escape
But my mind has been raped
Time and time again
Pain remains my truest friend
Though I try to conceal
These wounds they just dont heal
You want me to give you
All that I lack
Im sorry I aint what you want
Id like to be someone else
Someone who gives you the best
But your daughter is a mess
Never able to pass your test
Yes, Im
Filthy
Unworthy
Not what you bargained for
The wrong one
Ive blown my cover
I live in sin
All my life
Your thorn within
94

Real Delusions
Wonder how things would be
How youd feel without me
So I hide in the dark
Not knowing where to start
Cause I dont want to see us tear apart
These feelings had faded
Or so I thought
Now here to hunt me down
As I start to drown
Tears roll down my chin
As they slowly dry up
You love me as you bring me to pieces
I try to understand
Just when I think I get it
You throw me back at the start
Im not what I was supposed to be
I am what I am
I guess someday things will be better
My sweetener was artificial
Left us with this bitter aftertaste

95

My Gift
Through all the darkness and pain
When I feel Im going down the drain
When everyone else goes away
Youll still remain
When all seems to be lost
My inner peace, gone
Ill still have you to count on
Cant get enough of you
Cant get enough of your love
I feel I dont have much to give
You deserve so much
So out of all I can give
Ill give you my soul

96

Infatuation
My body craves you
Youre my medicine
I need to hear you
Or else Ill go insane
My mind cant erase you
For youre locked inside
Everything reminds me of you
And love, this aint a lie
Cant wait to hold you
Have you by my side
Cant wait to find you
Through your mysterious eyes
Cant wait to touch you
Where you least expect
Cant wait to hear your silence
To get lost in your every breath

97

Enlightened
What is truth?
In my world full of lies
Hypocrisy in every single turn
Are we real?
Or is this some bribe
Were all living in?
Want to run
As I wait here patiently
No longer hide
From the broken piece within
Cold, blank stares
From the faces that I see
Make me skeptical at best
All bottled up questions inside me
How far will I fly?
Will I ever find my wings?
Im no longer a disguise
For I am just me
Want to go somewhere far
Dont know how or when
But Ill be someone
This need to reign
Runs in my veins
98

Real Delusions
About to burst
These hidden parts of me
That show Im capable
Above the rest
So I sit here on this bench
The light invading my every single cell
The wind so refreshing
Stripping every coat
Just to reach the core of my soul
What is love?
That which now I feel
Here in my lungs
As I feel my heart get strong

99

Essence
The river flows calm
Amidst the distress
Taking all my remains
Putting them all away
The sky listens in disbelief
All the endless stories
Living inside me
Twisting my essence to make me real
The wind caresses my face
As I stand in soothing ache
Frantic, but Ill be ok
My faith restored once again
The trees next to me
As I speak these empty words
As you see me and think the worst
I put myself together and face the day

100

Death, Then Life

Shut up, keep to myself
As I sit here to observe
The infinite ruins
That make up my head
Like ocean waves
They come and go
Leaving a footprint
In my rotten, empty soul
I enter the gate
Nothing to lose
Much less to gain
Tears bleed my heart
Im overwhelmed
Unanswered questions still remain
Meant to rise above the rest
Yet I must hide within my cell
In the incomprehensible valleys
Of shadow, doubt, fear and death
This all must be my Masters plan
Some light awaits me
Even though I wont understand
Ill hold on to it and take my chance
Life pouring over me
101

102
As I started to die
Only then did I realize
All the strength inside

Maritere Berrios

Red Drops
Tired and dizzy I stand
Following this treacherous road
In which now I travel
Drops of red that I run after
The night is cold and black
My soul is beaten
My bodys a rag
Trying to find its way back
This battles over
But not the war
Ive given my all
But Im back at the start
Now you must find me
Right where Im at
Youll find your way
Just follow my path
Drops of blood
That Im still shedding
Drops of life
That Im still awaiting
Drops of blood
Everywhere Ive been
Drops of life
That now I give
103

Between
Wings broken
Unable to fly
Words were spoken
Within me they lie
Soul frozen
Ready to die
Yet my heart beats
My mind cries
Open abyss
Carved stone
Waiting for me
Endless flow
Of grief and deceit
Take me in your arms
Listen to my song
That lingers deep in my bones
Conceal me as I come undone
Stand by my side
Just let me run
Fantasies that die unborn
Dreams plead to the sun
Faith trembles drawing the line
Between life and death my soul must survive
104

Forever
Forever
Looking for something I cant see
Forever
Living in a world that cant be
Forever
Blue skies turn to grey
Unanswered questions will always remain

105

Out of Body
Standing in the abyss
Ready to fall
Dying to feel
Kicked out of my flesh
Falling down
No longer myself
Stones hitting me
Marking the holes
That Im covering
Lightning strikes
Not once, not twice
To make sure I die this time

106

Darkest Light
Black is the sky
Black within me
Black is my wound
Pouring blood
All over me
Dark is the world
Dark is my day
Dark is my brain
Resetting itself
To restart again
Grey is the light
Grey makes it right
Grey in between
Coming out of my pores
Its a part of me
Rays of hope
Rays of faith
Rays of life
Shining through
Trying to find the truth
Deep is the hole
Deep is my pain
Deep in my cell
Already lost too much
Now I can only gain
107

Vacant Mind
My mind ran out of thoughts
Long ago, eaten by rust
A blank map I must trace
Tried so hard, now its a waste
Will the sun ever shine?
Dry the tears from my eyes that are blind?
Give me a reason to get up and fight?
Is all this bullshit worthwhile?
Scary imagery crossing my mind
Blood running through my veins
Pointing the route that I must take
Telling me to endure
Though itll get much worse

108

From Your Daughter

Please love me
Its just what I need
I stand broken
But I wont accept defeat
Stream of consciousness
Bringing clarity
I just want wholeness
In this family
You dont believe
How this could be
Trying to build something
That doesnt exist
Just to please you
I stabbed my chest
Bled till I got numb
No longer myself
Now to free me
Ive broken the chains
As you watch me
Youre ashamed of this girl
Im sorry for all this
Forgiveness is my plea
But you must understand
I do like me just let me be
109

Fallen
Trapped in cell
Many stories to tell
Not a sound from my lips
As I approach the abyss
Tears are flowing
My face done
Wont say a word
Till the bell tolls
Lost in the void
I look overhead
No one to help me
Im damned to myself
Im torn from the inside
To death I succumb
Fallen from grace
Its all my fault

110

Void Reflection
Mirrors surround me
I burst into tears
They mock me
Reflecting my fear
My face crumbles
Cant see clearly
Too much darkness
Clouding my thoughts
Destructive obsession
Cradles me home
Failed at perfection
Im paying the cost
Mirrors surround me
Cant make sense of it all
I hate my reflection
Only see my flaws
If everyones beautiful
Somehow, someway
Then where is my beauty?
Does it matter anyway?
Ive lost control
No longer myself
Im playing this game
At my own expense
111

112

Maritere Berrios

It makes no sense
So everyone says
I pretend not to care
But Im probably wrong
So Ive been since I was born
My body grows weak
So does my mind
To eat or not
My thoughts fucked up
If I eat, my mind pays the price
If I dont my body withers and dies
Myself is against me
I keep growing sick
Mirrors surround me
I no longer feel
Caught in this cycle
Will it ever cease?

Delightful Sin
Turn on my senses
With the slightest touch
I breathe in your essence
Its hot to the touch
Unleash my passion
With your caress
Turn on the action
As you know best
Let me taste your desire
Let me light up your fire
My mind runs wild
Wetness inside
Stuck in my memory
Each and every night
I keep holding back
Cant hardly wait
To tear up these chains
And have it all
Fuck me intensely
I want your aggression
Fuck me senseless
Give into temptation
Together in sin
Naughty obsession
113

Invisible
Alone in my room
Alone in the world
Sad but true
In tears I lose my youth
Been kicked and stepped on
All my life just a scapegoat
A whore for the world
But not worthy of pay
I run far away
Looking for the better place
Please dont fall for me
I dont wanna burden you
I play a charade
Behind this beautiful mask
My life a faade
Beware of my acts

114

Starless Lie
Lost in the haze of my misery
My smile deceiving
My face so pretty
Lost in my path full of mystery
Endless contradiction
Unconscious submission
My life a charade
My soul a marionette
I cry out in vain
Without much to gain
Inner demons arise
I lose all sanity
No longer able to lie
In this starless, dreadful night
Unable to move
Unable to cry
Unable to speak
Broken within
I lie on the floor
Fallen again

115

Failure
I stumble and fall
Afraid of it all
Into the abyss
Drowning in tears
The sky is black
Just like my soul
Im torn and broken
Reduced to a rag doll
Im sorry is all I can say
This relationship, my failed attempt
There is no sound
Just my frantic screams
Until Ive no voice
No more tears
My eyes are frozen
I no longer feel
My death awaits me
Just as I wished

116

Mask
Radiant smile on my face
To me nothing but fake
No logical reason can I find
For this hollowness inside
Tears held captive in my eyes
Cold, frozen as ice
My mind distant
As I fade into the night
Cursed by this pretty face
My happiness nothing but rehearsed
I trick everyone
Beautiful lie
Seducing the world
Im Death full of Life
Yet youre different
See through my eyes
I cant fool you
With my deceptive smile
Yet youre different
Youve recognized
My crystal tears
Still frozen inside
Yet youre different
117

118

Maritere Berrios

You seem to care

About the painful memories
Behind this mask I wear
You accept the real me
Soothing words that lift me up
To the moonlit sky

To: You (Revelation)

My insides have been torn
In my soul nothing but a hole
Lonely in this world; so unloved
Trying to fit into the mould
Into a world I dont belong
Where am I, Where have I been?
My past I keep hidden
I cowardly suck it up
As I slowly tears me apart
I keep silent as I sit here and cry
No one to call
No one to talk to
No one to hear me
Too much loathing within me
For how I am, how Ive been
What I do, what Ive done
What I think, what Ive thought
My star shines bright
I hear people say
Ignorant and clueless
Of this dark, twisted madness
Here in my head
If you ever read this
119

120

Maritere Berrios

And actually care for real

If you still accept me
Amidst all these tears
All this insanity
This pain that kills me
Just remind me its ok
All this will eventually go away
Just listen to my silence
Dry my tears
Till it fades away
Sadly no one ever will
No one gives a fuck
Hence I keep my mouth shut
Amongst those around me

Unfortunately its all my fault

My pride wont let me open up
Been stepped on so many times
Tired of being everyones slut
Where is everyone?
I thought I had friends
You see, Im disposable
Useful one day, trash for the next
So why do I carry on?
My life seems pointless and dull
See, somewhere inside this hollowness
There is fire
It burns through this madness

Real Delusions
At times burning me
But the flame shines brighter
Than all my misery
I dont expect you to understand
Just give me your hand
Accept me as I am

121

Restored
The wind blows softly on my face
My heart following its pace
As I sit here and catch my breath
Beautiful surroundings
In this soothing, peaceful place
Finally able to let go
As I enter this seductive dance
Follow my intuition
As I give me one more chance
Ethereal blue skies
Make my passions arise
Ever changing clouds
Help me figure it out
Warm, lively sunlight
Caressing my skin
Ever so gently
Strip me off these fears
That haunt my memories
Strip me off these lies
Until I stand revealed
Although my soul is scarred
There is no holding back
I stand on my own two feet
For your love Ill no longer plead
122

Real Delusions
Alone I walk
Amongst roses and thorns
Although beaten Im still strong
The wind blows on my face
As I follow natures song
Beautiful surroundings
My energy restored

123

Over Again
My mind a blank sheet of paper
Words rumbling in my head
Trying to find their place
About to collapse, I lose my breath
My visions blurry
Just like my thoughts
My lifes in a hurry
But Im broken and worn
All is pitch black
Wonder where the fuck I am
As I try to look back
I realize Im back at the start
Wishing it all away
As the cycle continues
I want it to end!

124

Done
I look above me
The skies are still grey
Your essence surrounds me
Numbing my pain
Falling into the air
Unable to fly
I break into pieces
Once and for all
Dont try to fix me
The damage is done

125

Rising
My tears burn me
Unable to cry
Endless shrieks
Within my silence lie
My smile is deceiving
I just want to die
Words so misleading
Stabbing like knives
My soul is awakened
Misery and pain
You think you can break me
You love me
So you say
You love to hate me
I have to rephrase
You were young and lively
And then there was me
Scarred you forever
Body and mind
Your source of deceit
Right here in me
Your beautiful scapegoat
Forever Ill be
126

Real Delusions
Im sorry, oh mother
For I still exist
You love to hate me
I make myself bleed

127

Bitch
I look in the mirror
As I lie here in bed
I tremble and shake
Fallen from grace
My body is poisoned
Lack of self-control
Obsessive destruction
To which I still succumb
The bitch glares at me
For my capital sin
The bitch screams
How dare I eat?
Food is the enemy
Has, is and will be
Hunger the objective
To set my soul free
My tears keep flowing
The bitch stares right back
After restless battle
Im back at the start

128

Insane
Alone I cry
Within my smile I will hide
I wanna let go
Of this that Ive become
Im dead inside
Too busy to be me
Ive let myself die
I wither inch by inch
Too late to turn back
My sanity is what I lack

129

Good-Bye
Im dying yet no one can see
Its so lonely in here
I wanna die more than to live
Yet somehow I fight back
Dont wanna prove her right
Yet what does this earn me?
Im a worthless being
Unworthy insect in her eyes
I hate myself
Each and every day
I try to ignore it
But its always there
I wish it was a nightmare
But unfortunately its real
A regret born twenty-three years ago
That Ill now put to rest

130

Game Over
Im withering here
So outta place
I fall and stumble
As I run out of air
My soul is burning
My eyes betray me
I can no longer hide
My smile stands broken
So does my pride
My words unspoken
As tears fill my eyes
Your game is over
I gave up on life
No longer a loser
I shall never rise

131

Fallen & Broken

Running on empty
Frantic racing
Hell is waiting
My smile betrays me
Fallen and broken
Pain is unspoken
Fallen and broken
Tears turn to ice
Running on empty
Frantic racing
Nightfall is coming
As I let go

132

Unveiled
I hate myself today
Each and every day
I wish the feeling away
Unfortunately its here to stay
The fog is lifting
Do you finally see?
Too many flaws within me
Set yourself free
I love myself at times
But mostly I just wanna die
Too much pain inside
My soul is beaten
So is my pride

133

At Last
My camouflage has suddenly peeled off
My soul is bleeding
My mind has let go
My smile misleading
Tears in my eyes
My pace is frantic
No time to hide
Im broken in pieces
No longer disguised
My smile is undone
My tears are free
Marking my face
Breaking my mask
Showing me at last

134

Marionette
Filthy rusty strings
That keep me attached
Conflicting thoughts and feelings
Keep my mind detached
Self destructive motivation
Soul incarceration
Slow and painful flagellation
Never ending determination
One step forward, two steps back
To live in misery
My death a mystery
No turning back
Filthy rusty strings
That keep me attached
Im a marionette
About to tear apart
My smile an illusion
Disguise for confusion
Hatred infusion
Never ending retribution
Blood flows slowly
Everlasting pain
I twist and turn
Broken marionette
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Useless
Filthy, useless clutter
Possess my body and soul
Senseless thoughts
That pull me under
Everything possible
To negate my hunger
Cant remember when
Cant remember how

136

Good Enough
Not good enough
Never good enough
Still not good enough
Never was good enough
Never will be
Its not possible
Im torn from the inside
Broken within
My death awaits me
To set me free

137

Natural
Despedazar mi corazn para hacerlo de nuevo
Me desangro mientras me quemo en mi fuego
Vivo sonriendo mietras muero por dentro
Siento que el tiempo se escapa entre mis dedos
Poco a poco me rindo ante este sentimiento
Me consume da a da mientras callo en silencio
Atrapada en mi juego
Miro a tus ojos mientras dices Te Quiero
Quisiera creerlo, mas no puedo
Cmo es posible que sea verdadero
Mi sonrisa es efmera
Imposible felicidad
Mis lgrimas perduran
Presa en mi soledad
Tus palabras me motivan
Endulzador articial
Tus caricias me fascinan
Mentira que sabe a verdad
Sentimiento inevitable y real
Bello, intenso como las olas del mar
Miras a mis ojos, respondo Te Quiero
Mientras mis lgrimas se tornan hielo
Corriente destructora o fuerza creadora?
Solo el tiempo nos dir
138

Reborn
Warm, lively ray of light
Brand new day
My soul shines bright
Please guide my way
Ill no longer hide
Life is beautiful
So is love and pain
So is the madness
That runs in my veins
So is the person
I keep loving to hate
The veil is lifted
My vision is clear
Looking further beyond
The wounds that still bleed
For blood isnt just death
Its the force of life
For after the longest darkness
Follows light
For after heart wrenching sorrow
Comes a smile
For the strongest hate
There is love
For out of my death wish
I am reborn

139

Purify
I want this to die
This part of my being
I endlessly struggle
Battles within
I want this to end
The end it shall be
My desire to die
Keeps tugging at me
Food is my death wish
Hunger my fuel to live
My body is poisoned
I shall purify
I succumb to destruction
Thoughts I cant defy
Two minds but one body
Beaten and worn
Two minds but one soul
Still struggling on
I truly am broken
Beautiful mask
My pain is unspoken
My actions shall undo the lies
Mirror, mirror
140

Real Delusions
I break into you
I ask for forgiveness
As you show me my truth
Scarred and bleeding
Youre no longer fooled
My beauty undone
My ugly evils shine through

141

Sangre
Tierra, mar fuego
Lgrimas de sangre
Nublan mis ojos
Y me limpian desde adentro
Desde mi nacimiento
En la cuerda floja de tu juego
Tu mueca rota inservible
A la merced de un sentimiento
Fuiste mi illusion
Siempre buscando la perfeccin
Nunca logr tu satisfaccin
Slo tu coraje y dolor
Tierra, mar, fuego
Lgrimas de sangre
Limpian mis heridas
Mientras muero por dentro
Si tu vida habra de destruir
Por qu dejarme nacer?
Se me olvida te desilusion
Slo merezco sufrir
Miras a mis ojos
Etrea frialdad
Cruelest us palabras
Me estremeces una vez ms
142

Real Delusions
Parlisis cerebral
Anestesia emocional
Congelan mi respuesta
Mientras aniquilas mi ltima esperanza
Tierra, mar, fuego
Lgrimas de sangre
Queman mi rostro
Y saben a hiel
Miro al espejo
Huyendo a mi reflejo
Tu mueca rota inservible
A la merced de este sentimiento

Sonro en mi mar de lgrimas

Me despojo de t aunque me haces falta
Mi sol oscurece, mas no desvanece
Mi alma se engrandece
Aceptando que por t ya no muere

143

Hormiga
Solo un estorbo
Solo una rata
Un insignificante insecto
Al cual diste vida
Y sali de tus entraas
Me quisiste eliminar
Como el insecticida
A la cucaracha
Como el extingiuidor
Al fuego
Mas no funcion
Pisoteaste mis sueos
Pisoteaste mi vida
Me pisoteas como a una hormiga
Mi cuerpo debilitas
Mi alma marchitas
Mi razn aniquilas
Mas no muero

144

I Am
I am everything and nothing
I am the darkest night
Followed by the brightest sunrise
I am a river of tears
An oasis of fears
A burst of anger
Self-mutilating hatred
Followed by heartfelt laughter
I am an embarrassment
Yet hardworking and accomplished
I am filthy clean
I am down and up
Energetic and worn
I am fantasy and reality
I am fire and ice
Good turned evil
The rotten fruit of your tree
I am pain and numbness
Mind bending rollercoaster
I am your failed attempt
Never quite good enough
My body is breaking
Inside and out
Thoughts I cant control
Emotions taking their toll
Falling apart
I seem to push forward
Wishful illusion
Im back at the start
145

Mariposa Rota
Mariposa rota que habitas en m
Revoloteas constantemente
Entre espejos y paredes en marfil
Bajo la lluvia de lgrimas
Causadas por mi sufrir
Mariposa rota que habitas en m
Encuentras el atajo y logras salir
Hacia el jardn de rosas
Salpicado por luces clidas
Que provienen de mi sonrer

Mariposa rota que habitas en m

Vuelas en feliz meloda
Mientras el cielo se torna gris
Te tambalean las rfagas
Causantes de mi eterno tormento
Mariposa rota que habitas en m
Vuelas alto y luego caes
Has aprendido a sobrevivir
Yo slo soy tu triste, frgil crislida
Destinada a morir

146