Linda Pireks BottomFeeders

Department of Selection
dasmuter@yahoo.com
Director: Dave Chairman Zhao

Dear prospective applicant,

Thanks you for your interest in Pireks BottomFeeders. Your application is attached and
we ask that you complete it to the best of your ability. All of our questions are open to
interpretation, so it is always better to write something rather than leaving it blank. We wish to
see how you think and whether the BottomFeeders are the right group for you. The high council
will review your application, and you will receive a decision notification by December 20th.
Early applications will be accepted until November 20th while the final deadline will be
December 10th. All applications should be turned in, completed with all signatures, to Ms. Pireks
desk. If there are any questions, feel free to consult myself at dasmuter@yahoo.com, any current
BF chair member, Ms. Pirek, or Mr. Boken.
Now that formalities are complete, I would like to take a moment to explain the rich
history of our prestigious fellowship. The group was started in 2009, though the official date
(when our name was created) wasnt until 2010. The term BottomFeeders was introduced as a
nickname for our official designation, the Scientific Committee for the Analysis and
Investigation of Nautical Substrate Organisms (SCAINSO), which is a name we took on in order
to fool the school administrators and take part in the science fair so we could spend our
homerooms in Pireks room working on the project (we never ended up doing this, but the
name stuck). However, our organization goes by many other names such as Breakfast Group,
Pireks Entourage, and those kids that are always at her room. My co-founders, Matthew Smits
and Kevin Nguyen, and myself envisioned a group of illustrious students who would band
together and represent all we hold sacred. Thus, our four pillars were created. Lebensmittel,
Bildung, sein Schlger, and aussenseiter (Food, education, being thug, and geekiness). We value
our schooling and encourage the traits of respect, honor, and responsibility to our mentors. Our
various exploits can be found on the Board of Glory, which made us famous among the SHS
science department. Meetings are before school, everyday. Many of us have never missed a
meeting for any reason other than being cripplingly ill, and even when Pirek is off eating without
us, we still stay in the nook by the door. Hallway hoboism is to be expected multiple times a
month. Our fellowship expands beyond school. For example, Friday nights are known as KungFu Fridays and there is always the infamous Jenkem Party. We even went to New York for a day
with Ms. Pirek, who just led us from shop to shop. The backgrounds and interests of the
BottomFeeders are as diverse as our ethnicities. Actually, over half of us are Asian or and
honorary Asian. Morning discussions can range from homework to movies or from LumDogs
shirt to Eduardos stupidity. It is truly a privilege to be a BottomFeeder, contrary to what the
name implies. Our activities will be made clearer on orientation day if accepted.
An institution of such prestige is no laughing matter, and we take our applications very
seriously. It will be reviewed twice from a holistic approach. We encourage you to attach a

separate sheet if necessary and anything else that you feel will help. Help from approved sources
(listed above) is permitted, but Internet use is forbidden. We will know if you used the Internet.
Without membership, use of the BottomFeeder name and its trademarked activities are
punishable by law.
With the current members being entirely seniors, it is up to us to select only the qualified
and very best of students to carry on our traditions and mission. You are the second generation.
Having the title of BottomFeeder is a privilege and it must be upheld. With that said, I look
forward to reviewing your application, and possibly laughing at your responses, or your
shortcomings. If not accepted, you can always apply next semester. Or just join a different group.
I hear the stoners gather in the 3rd floor D hall bathroom. HAVE A NICE DAY.
Signed,
Sir Mr. Doctor Professor Xiyuan Dave Zhao
Director of Selections and Founder of the LPBF Program

11/3/2013

Linda Pireks BottomFeeders Official

Application
Conducted by Dave Zhao: God of Thieves
Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability. If you cannot answer of if
this doesnt apply to you, put N/A. Explanation is preferable but not required.

General
Full name of Applicant:
Grade:
List any BF alumni relations. Will they offer a recommendation?
Are you a minority? List:
Prior BottomFeeder experience?

Essay questions
Many political science and economics leaders have debated the
Death Stars influence. Please discuss the economic and political
repercussions that the Death Star imparted; either support or
dispute its creation.

Favorite Pokemon and why?

Do you feel that if accepted, that you would rank higher than
Eduardo? Why?

The 4 pillars of the BottomFeeders are food, geekiness, education,

and thugnificence. Elaborate on each of these aspects and how
they relate to you, or, how you have recently demonstrated such
traits.

Explain Davey Logic:

Please compare the 2014 Alfa Romeo 4C and the 2014 Porsche
Cayman:

A group of punks have the audacity to contest your title as most

feared gang in the school. How would you go about confronting
them and in what manner?

How does one successfully dress like an Asian Hipster?

Some feel that if it is in the game, it is allowed, and thus

proceed to screen-look, camp, and spam. Explain the error of their
ways.

Is Homies over Hoes a sentiment that you can co-sign (In

context)?

Short Answer:
Describe yourself in one word:
Where the hood at?
Do you possess any special traits/experiences/abilities?
How thrifty are you? Elaborate.

Describe your proficiency in the glorious and intense sport of

Table Tennis:
Describe your technological and mechanical skills/experience:

The red pill or the blue pill? Explain.

Where does the term baller derive from?

The key to making perfect Fire Pot Chicken

Have you ever held up a strip club or hospital in any way? If so,
elaborate.

Are you currently indebted to anyone?

Greatest country in the world?
Your relation to Big Boken
Have you ever been on the Board of Glory?
Your theme song:
Have you EVER done the following: Posted a selfie captioned
something along the lines of I look so bad in this picture (insert
emoticon here) in hopes of receiving compliments from your
girlfriends.
What is your relation to Staples?
We want to know your thoughts and how you think
Thoughts on:
Funky Forest:
Ip Man:

Asian Beats:

Flat-rimmed hats:
The rapidly diminishing lunch quality:

Johan the Sloth:

The pimped out Prius:

Community College:

Scarves:

Academics
Have you broken any academic records within our fellowship?

In the middle of the zombie apocalypse, you are armed with an

MP5, rate of fire: 800 rounds/minute. Each magazine holds 30
rounds and it takes you 4 seconds to reload. 20 zombies encircle
you at a radius of 20m. If they are accelerating from .5m/s at a
rate of +1.5 m/s^2, will you have enough time to kill all of them?
Show work below.

Applicants signature:
BottomFeeder Chair signature:
Pireks Signature: