Quitter

__________________________

A full-length play
By Larry Pontius

Doug
Alice
Eric

Doug and Alice's driveway on the hottest day of the year. The driveway has been turned into a
luau. Torches mark the edges of the drive way, the table of food is decorated with flowers,
pineapples, etc. There is a pile of leis on the table. There is a tub of beer, and next to it, a lawn
chair. Next to the chair, a wooden Polynesian sculpture. And let's be honest, this is all probably a
little kitschy.

Lights up. DOUG, wearing an Hawaiian shirt,

grass skirt, shorts underneath, and a chefs hat,
stares at the beer tub. He walks around it.
Inspecting it. He looks at the space. He walks
down the drive way.
He TURNS and takes in the space. Beat. He
makes a decision. He moves to the beer tub. He
starts to pull it. Its HEAVY, full of beer and ice.
He drags it one foot. He looks at it again.
Satisfied, he heads into the house as...
ALICE enters from the house. She, too, is
wearing an Hawaiian shirt, complimented with
jean shorts and sandals. She carries a garbage
bag.
They stop just short of running into each other.
They laugh. Doug is tight, polite. Alice is
excited. They try move left, right, trying to get
out of the way. More embarrassed laughter.
DOUG
People are going to be here any moment now.
She holds up the garbage bag.
ALICE
Last thing on the list.
DOUG
I could do it. Let me do it.
ALICE
I can do this.
DOUG
It wont take me a second.
ALICE
It wont take ME a second. Its going to be great.
She sees the space. A long slow gasp....

2.
ALICE
OH. DOUG. This is. WOW. Its so....
DOUG
You like it?
ALICE
I ADORE it. This looks. Wow. Like. Youve really created something special here.
DOUG
Oh.
ALICE
Dont be. Like. You should really be proud of this work.
DOUG
I know, I know.
ALICE
You know, you know, then ACT like it.
She kisses him. He returns it. She pulls back.
ALICE
Ok, ok. I have to finish.
DOUG
Just a little more.
She kisses him again. She pulls away, giggling.
ALICE
People are going to be here soon. We have to finish setting up.
DOUG
Right, right. Of course.
She steps away.
ALICE
This is going to be the best.
DOUG
Yeah. The best.

3.
He nods quickly, nervously. Then heads into the
house.
Alice heads to the table, attaches the garbage
bag to the end of the table.
ERIC arrives. He is wearing his bands t-shirt,
LUDDITE REVOLVER and carrying a six pack.
Finished, she wipes her hands. She sees Eric. A
beat. Between them.
ALICE
Eric?
ERIC
Given the theme. Shouldnt you say: Aloha?
He opens his arms.
ALICE
(confused)
Youre here.
ERIC
Thats right.
ALICE
Early.
ERIC
Its not. SO. Early. The party started at four. Im just like. Im five minutes after four.
Thats considered on time.
ALICE
But, you. You. Im sorry. ALOHA.
She and Eric embrace.
ALICE
Im just so surprised. To see you. Normally you come so late. You do the whole
showing up casually late so you can do your whole Big Entrance thing that everyone seems
to love.

4.
ERIC
My big entrance. Its a crowd pleaser.
ALICE
Why are you here so early?
Beat.
ERIC
Traffic.
ALICE
Traffic?
ERIC
There. There wasnt any. It was just. Thats why Im here so early. Because. So.
Really. Its not weird. Not at all. Here I am. I brought beer!
ALICE
You brought beer!
She takes the six pack.
ERIC
(in an Irish Brogue)
Just me little contribution.
ALICE
(mistakenly Scottish)
Aye, Captain.
She laughs at her own joke. Eric nods like he
thinks it was funny.
ALICE
Ill just put it in the beer tub with the other beers. Ill have to CRAM then in. So much
beer!
ERIC
Are there more people inside? I know its hot out, but, you know. Block party. Thats
outside, not inside. But I dont want to judge.
ALICE
Nope!

5.
ERIC
Out back?
ALICE
No, no. Youre just the first to arrive.
She smiles.
ALICE
You want some chips? Crudites? We have both.
Beat.
ERIC
The first to...?
ALICE
Arrive. OH, I forgot.
She runs to the table, grabs a lei, puts it around
Erics neck.
ALICE
ALOHA!
ERIC
Aloha.
More embracing.
ALICE
Dont tell Doug that I forgot to do that.
ERIC
I wont-ALICE
He would kill me. He is so excited about tonight. He been planning this one the whole
month. Down to the last detail-ERIC
It looks great.

6.
ALICE
You should tell the artist, not me. He IS the guy that throws the parties. The unforgettable
parties. Hell be very happy you think it looks great. Hes been so nervous. He wants it
to go well. Thats just between you and me. He would never admit it. BUT. I keep
reminding him, its a marathon, not a race. Dougll be out in a second, hes just inside
wrapping things up. How are you? Can I get you a beer? I cant believe youre the first
one to arrive.
Beat.
ERIC
It feels very uncomfortable, doesnt it? Well. Im always thrilled to come to one of
Dougs parties. He always puts so much thought and effort into them. Hes not just
ordering pizza and putting on music and calling it a party.
ALICE
He believes in creating just the right space.
ERIC
Im happy to support him, hes always been such a supporter of my work.
ALICE
Yeah. He likes your band.
Eric points to his shirt. Alice nods, politely.
ALICE
Great. So. Just so youre not worried. Everyone is coming. Everyone is going to be
here. They all told me how thrilled they are.
ERIC
Really?
ALICE
Some who didnt make it to the last ones. Mitchell, Jenny, Kara.
ERIC
Theyre coming?
ALICE
Charlie, Jodi, Rick and Keith. Maybe even... Dana.
ERIC
Dana?

7.
ALICE
I know, RIGHT?
ERIC
Dana is coming? Are you sure?
ALICE
Well. Who knows with Dana. But wouldnt it be fantastic if she came? Dana here. At
one of Dougs parties. He would love that. It would give him a real boost.
ERIC
Thats if she makes it.
ALICE
Oh, I know, I know. Its. I feel like this is going to be the one. The one that she comes to.
What do you think would happen if Dana came and said to Doug, This is a great party.
Beat.
ERIC
Coming from Dana. That would be. Great. She never likes anything.
ALICE
She has such a great eye. Everyone just loves what she says and does. It just comes so
naturally to her.
ERIC
She has a gift.
ALICE
Doug really wanted to make sure I invited her. So. I did. He respects her work so much.
He thinks of her as a peer. As someone on the same wave length as he is.
Beat.
ERIC
Well. Who knows. Maybe today. This party. Dana will show up.
Alice gives two thumbs up. Eric returns it.
Doug carrying a bowl of potato salad. He sees
Eric.

8.
DOUG
Hey, buddy!
ERIC
Master of Ceremonies, aloha!
They embrace, pats on the back.
DOUG
Aloha, life of the party!
Doug puts the salad down on the table. He
stops. He quickly checks the table. Its perfect.
He turns to Eric.
DOUG
Did you do it? Your Big Entrance? Did I miss it?
Eric and Alice exchange looks.
ERIC
I didnt do it.
ALICE
He didnt do it.
DOUG
You didnt do it? I LOVE your Big Entrance. Your Big Entrance... I live for that.
ERIC
You do?
DOUG
How you always come into a party always at the right moment, and that thing that you do,
how you get everyone to laugh... like, I cant imagine a party without your big entrance.
ERIC
Thanks.
DOUG
You should do it.
Beat.
ERIC
Do it?

9.
DOUG
Yeah, yeah.
ALICE
He arrived early.
Beat. Doug looks at Eric.
ERIC
Theres no one else here. So...
DOUG
Im here. Alice is here. I would love to see the Big Entrance. Alice?
ALICE
(heart not into it.)
Oh. YEAH. I love your Big Entrance. Look forward to it. Each time.
ERIC
Maybe when more people get here. We should just wait.
Silence. No one arrives.
DOUG
It would kick this party off right. A little good luck. You have never NOT done your Big
Entrance at one of my parties. And if you dont do it now...
Beat.
ERIC
Alright. Sure.
He takes a breath, just about to do it.
DOUG
Its an entrance.
Beat.
DOUG
You should. You know...
Beat.
ERIC
Right.

10.
Eric exits.
ERIC
(off stage)
This feels a little weird.
DOUG
Its not.
Beat.
DOUG
You gotta do it now.
ERIC
(off stage)
Its designed for like. A MINIMUM number of people in order to have a MAXIMUM
amount of LOLS.
DOUG
You are just stalling.
ALICE
Do the Big Entrance.
DOUG
Big Entrance, Big Entrance.
DOUG
Big Entrance, Big Entrance.

ALICE
Big Entrance, Big Entrance.
ERIC
(off stage)

FINE.
He enters.
ERIC
Let the games BEGIN.
He does a signature move, with robotic
choreography. He finishes with a...
ERIC
KA POW!

11.
Beat.
DOUG
Big ENTRANCE. YEAH!
Doug claps, laughs.
ERIC
The ka pow. Thats. When I would present the beer. But, I already gave it to.
DOUG
It was great. Exactly what I wanted. I am SO glad you are here.
Doug embraces Eric again. Then.
DOUG
HEY, hows the demo going?
ERIC
Great, great. Were still mixing.
ALICE
Still? Youre still mixing?
DOUG
I am super pumped to hear it.
ERIC
You would think it would be easy to make a demo. But its hard.
DOUG
Uh-huh.
ALICE
Sure, sure. No judgement. But. You guys raised money on the internet to finish it. I gave
you 500 dollars.
ERIC
And it totally helped. Thanks.
ALICE
Its been. Over a year.

12.
ERIC
Do you need the money back?
ALICE
Its not about the money-ERIC
We could probably scrape it together. It would mean pushing it back-ALICE
No, no, I want you to finish your demo.
DOUG
Its your ART. Thats important. We are totally behind you. 100%. We want to support
your work. Right?
ALICE
Yeah.
ERIC
Thanks, guys.
Beat.
ERIC
This party looks great. You have outdone yourself. This. A real work of art.
DOUG
You think?
ERIC
Oh, yeah.
Alice hugs Doug. Doug sorta slightly relaxes.
ALICE
Tell him about the beer.
DOUG
The beer!
He bounds to the beer tub.
DOUG
I think you are going to LOVE this. I found this tiny little brewer. He brews it in his own
back yard.

13.
He grabs a beer, pops the cap.
DOUG
Its a special recipe that he and I collaborated on. Just for this party and this party alone,
never again. The taste of this beer is the taste of this party.
He hands it to Eric, who drinks. Beat.
ERIC
Hoppy.
Doug and Alice are pleased.
DOUG
Oh. AND.
Doug bounds to the table.
DOUG
Huzzah! The potato salad.
He scoops some onto a plate.
DOUG
The rosemary is from Alices garden-ALICE
We have a garden now.
DOUG
And the potatoes are free range.
Doug hands Eric a plate and a spork. Eric takes
it. Eats. He likes it.
ERIC
Very potatoey.
Doug sighs.
ALICE
SEE. I told you it was going to work out. Doug was going to make another dish.
DOUG
Given the theme, I was going to make poi. The traditional Hawaiian dish served at luaus.
But. It wasnt. Well. Lets just say it didnt work out.

14.
Alice laughs.
ALICE
Oh. No. It didnt.
Doug looks at her. Hes not laughing
ALICE
Were not...? Were not laughing about it?
Beat.
DOUG
I thought, given that my poi wasnt-ERIC
Poi-fect.
Eric and Alice giggle.
ALICE
That was good.
ERIC
It just came to me.
ALICE
Very funny. Thats why you get invited.
Their laughter fades. They turn their attention
back to Doug, who isnt amused.
DOUG
So. Thats the potato salad. And now-Doug tries to move on.
ALICE
I had shown him this blog. It was very inspiring. Wasnt it?
DOUG
Yes.
ALICE
I had just come across it. Everyone was talking about it on twitter. So. I had to check it
out. I just knew, KNEW that Doug should read it.

15.
DOUG
ALICE.
Beat. Alice is done. Doug continues.
DOUG
Of course it is all paired to go with...
He turns Eric down stage.
DOUG
The pig.
All of them take a moment to admire the pig.
DOUG
Roasting for hours, on a spit above a fire in the middle of the street.
ERIC
Wow.
ALICE
Mmm hmmm.
DOUG
Just smell it. Magnificent. Savory. Porkish. My mouth waters.
ERIC
You cant have a luau without a roasting pig.
DOUG
EXACTLY. You cant have a luau without a roasting pig. Do you know what it smells
like?
ERIC
A. A pig?
DOUG
More than that. So much more than that. That pig smells like success. No. No, no. Not.
It smells like rebirth. Re. Birth. Watching it turn, grease dripping onto the flames, under
the blazing sun, I feel I am getting a second chance.
ALICE
Aww.

16.
DOUG
The last few parties. They. They didnt have the impact that I was hoping for, you see.
ALICE
The parties were fine. Its the guests that didnt get it.
DOUG
The number of guests have been on the decline. And, and, people just werent having as
much fun. It seemed like. They would rather be somewhere else. And I couldnt help but
think: maybe its me. Maybe Im not giving it my all.
ERIC
No, I dont believe that. Not for one moment.
ALICE
You just keep doing what you do. Its marvelous.
DOUG
SO, tonight. I am giving it my all. I am. After all. The guy that throws those parties.
ALICE
Yes you are.
Alice kisses him.
DOUG
Thanks, honey.
ERIC
Bold step forward.
DOUG
You want more potato salad?
ERIC
YES.
Doug takes Erics plate, begins to scoop on
potato salad.
ERIC
Ive never understood. With all your talent for this... you work in an office supply store.
You could be a really successful party planner.

17.
Alice lightly gasps. Doug stops. He turns.
Spork in hand... Doug grips it.
DOUG
A. Party planner?
ERIC
Sure. They make lots of money.
DOUG
Money.
ALICE
Hes not doing this for the money.
ERIC
Oh? Oh. Um.
DOUG
I am not a whore. I dont do my work for money. Its an art. A necessity for the human
condition. Bringing people together so they can connect in a way they were meant to: face
to face, eye to eye, heart to heart. With joy, with exuberance. Now more so than ever. All
to often we sit behind our computers, and connect through social media and consider that
HUMAN interaction. We are meant to be communal creatures. We meant to share a joke
over a glass of beer. Not a keyboard.
Doug adds more potato salad to the plate. A
large pile is forming. Yet, Doug continues.
DOUG
I dont throw parties. Im not wishing someone a happy birthday. I am creating a space,
using fantasy and costume to allow the guests to shed their inhibitions and to be true to
themselves. Their inner child. To play, to dream. Its about whimsy, Eric. Putting some
damned whimsey in the world. Sometimes you need to laugh in the arms of a friend.
Sometimes you need to cry quietly in the arms of a friend in the corner. I do that. I do that
for everyone. Its not about the money. I didnt become a party planner because I am not
some dancing monkey trying to fullfil some 16 year olds desire to have a birthday party of
wizards and witches. I am an artist.
Doug hands Eric the potato salad.
ERIC
Sorry. I didnt. Its just. I thought.

18.
DOUG
Its alright. I get it. I should apologize. You got me on an emotional night. Alice told me
that Dana is coming.
ALICE
MIGHT be coming. I said might be coming.
DOUG
Might be coming.
ALICE
I invited her. Personally. I told her how important it was for her to come.
DOUG
This is GOING TO BE AWESOME.
Beat.
ERIC
I need to pee.
He sets down his plate and beer.
DOUG
You know where it is.
Eric exits. Beat. Alice moves to Doug.
ALICE
Something is wrong.
DOUG
Wrong?
Doug looks around.
DOUG
Oh. God. Did I forget something? I dont see it. I dont see what I missed. I didnt miss
anything. Everything is exactly how I envisioned it. The table, the torches, the beer tub.
Its all perfect. What could I have missed, what is wrong--?
ALICE
Its Eric. Something is wrong. He is here EARLY.

19.
DOUG
OH. Thats a. A relief. Yeah. I noticed. I didnt want to ask. I thought that might be
rude.
ALICE
He said traffic.
DOUG
Traffic?
ALICE
Thats right.
DOUG
You dont believe him. Do you?
ALICE
You do?
DOUG
I have no reason to NOT believe him. Hes here. Its just early. Its weird. But. I guess
its not totally inconceivable that some day Eric might come to one of my parties early.
ALICE
Traffic slows you down. Not SPEEDS you up.
DOUG
Maybe there was no traffic. Maybe thats what he meant. Maybe theres nothing wrong.
You just need to relax, Alice. Just relax. Ok. Relax.
ALICE
Then there would be more people here, Doug. Lets apply the logic. Eric always waits for
people to arrive so he can do his Big Entrance, so he must leave his home later than
everyone else giving them a chance to arrive, settle in, have drinks, etc.
DOUG
Right.
ALICE
So. Then. If the traffic is as good as Eric is saying, where are THOSE people?
Beat.

20.
DOUG
They havent arrived yet.
ALICE
But Eric always arrives after those people.
Doug finally understands. But that leads to...
Confusion. He looks towards the house.
DOUG
Why is he here SO early?
Beat. Eric returns. He grabs his plate and beer.
ERIC
This potato salad. Its really great. Doug.
DOUG
Is it?
ERIC
You have outdone yourself with this potato salad. I havent had potato salad this good.
Ever. I cant wait to tell everyone about it. I mean, well. When everyone gets to try it.
Well ALL be. Talking about it.
Eric smiles, eats more potato salad.
DOUG
So. Traffic.
ERIC
Traffic?
DOUG
Alice tells me thats why youre here early. Traffic. And she reminded me. When most
people say traffic, thats why they are late.
ERIC
Did I say traffic?
ALICE
You did.

21.
ERIC
Then. Thats what I said.
Eric smiles.
ERIC
Am I.... Am I in trouble for being early?
DOUG
No. No, no. Its just. You know.
ERIC
If I wasnt here, no one would be here.
DOUG
Until other people came, yeah. Its just. Its. Its a curious thing. A curious turn of
events. That youre here early. For the first time. Ever.
Beat.
ERIC
(as he talks, he tries to laugh off his
uncomfortablness)
What do you want to hear? That. That. Something work me up in the morning, far earlier
than I have ever woken before, something that wouldnt let me go to back to sleep?
Throwing my whole schedule off? I was sitting at home alone, awake. I thought. Alright.
I might as well leave. Ill just show up before I normally do, how bad could that be? How
bad? Well, I get here to find that I am the first person to arrive, the first person, thats how
bad it could be. Its very. Uncomfortable for me as it is for you, and then you go and you
go and accuse me of lying to you, that there is some plot, some ugly reason that I am here
early? You should be ashamed. Ashamed of yourselves.
Beat. Doug nods, accepts the explanation.
Alice, however, doesnt. She crosses her arms.
DOUG
Im sorry. I didnt mean to. Accuse you. Its just. Weird.
ERIC
Its ok. Its alright. Were still best friends.
They hug. Alice shakes her head.

22.
ERIC
But, look at that time. I need to get going. This has been great. A great party. Absolutely
your best. I really hate to run off like this.
ALICE
Im sorry, WHAT? You just got here. Youve eaten our potato salad. You cant just.
You cant just LEAVE.
ERIC
YEAH. Theres this... thing. That. I need to get to. This has been great. Really. Its
magical.
DOUG
You havent even eaten the pig.
ERIC
Im sure its delicious.
Eric begins to back away.
DOUG
Its going to be done soon.
ERIC
Yeah. You could save me some.
He bumps into Alice. He turns. Alice is a wall.
Hard.
ALICE
THING?
She stares into his soul.
ERIC
Thing? Thing? Its just a thing. Why does it have to be anything else but a thing that I am
going to. Oh, god. Ok, ok, ok, yes, it is a thing that Im going to. If I leave now I can
make it just in time. OH GOD, why do I keep saying things out loud?
DOUG
What will you be late for?
ERIC
I wont be late. If I leave now--

23.
ALICE
If you leave now, there will be no one else HERE. Well be alone. Enough time has past
that there should be more people here.
Alice grabs the lei around Erics neck, she
begins to twist it, choking him.
ALICE
What is going on? You know something that we dont. Just tell us. I hate I hate I hate
secrets. Were grown ups. We can handle it.
It is tight around Erics throat.
ERIC
Ok, ok.
Alice lets go.
ERIC
GOD. You dont have to over react. Its just. You guys really dont know?
DOUG
Know about what?
ERIC
Theres another... I thought you werent going because you were throwing this. But, when
Alice was saying who was coming to the party, I realized... you guys dont know.
Beat.
ERIC
Dana is throwing a party.
Silence.
DOUG
Shes. Throwing a party?
ERIC
Yeah. Its already started. I was planning on arriving... See. I came here. To see you
guys. To support your barbecue.
DOUG
ITS A LUAU.

24.
ERIC
To support your luau.
ALICE
Are you leaving so you can go do your big entrance at HER party?
Beat.
ERIC
Theres going to be PEOPLE there. Everyone is going to be there. Its DANA.
ALICE
Thats not true, thats not true. EVERYONE is coming here. They TOLD me. They said
YES to the invitation.
DOUG
Dana KNEW we were throwing a party. We invited her. Unless... Alice?
ALICE
Yes. Of course I invited her. I left a message on her voice mail. She knew. Everyone
knew about the party.
ERIC
Its a special occasion. She and Todd are officially announcing that theyre having a baby.
The invitation went out about two weeks ago.
ALICE
Fuck Dana. FUCK HER. Shes great, shes a magician with decoration. But FUCK her.
We sent ours a month ago. Dana is stealing our guests. STEALING.
Beat.
DOUG
We didnt get invited. We werent invited.
ALICE
Why WERENT we invited? We shouldve been invited. Dana knows to invite us. Were
on her list. Is she cutting us out? If she is cutting us out-ERIC
How the hell should I know? Why are you mad at me? Im HERE. Im SUPPORTING
YOU.

25.
ALICE
Youre going to go do your fucking stupid big entrance for those assholes.
ERIC
Stupid?
ALICE
Wah wah wah.
DOUG
What is Dana doing?
Beat. Alice touches Doug on the arm. Gently.
ALICE
Honey, dont do this. Dont do this to yourself.
DOUG
I just want to know. Whats so great about Danas party that everyone, EVERYONE just
has to go to it.
Alice holds Doug.
ALICE
Eric, dont. I am asking you nicely.
ERIC
Shes taken an art gallery downtown, converting it to look like a maternity ward. The
servers are going to be dressed up like nurses and doctors. And she has hired this local
puppet groupALICE
A local puppet group--?
ERIC
Yeah. So, from what Ive been told. At a certain point, all of the babies in the cribs,
theyre all puppets, they are going to SIT up and SING.
Beat.
DOUG
Wow. That sounds.
ERIC
Amazing.

26.
DOUG
Yeah.
ERIC
RIGHT?
ALICE
That sounds like a slice of heaven. So. The babies are going to sing. Are they going to
dance?
ERIC
Im SURE of it. Ive heard really good things about this puppet group. Remarkable
things. Im totally there. And I hate puppet groups. Hey, I know. Why dont we all get
into my car, and Ill drive us to the party.
ALICE
We HAVE a party, Eric. We have a party.
ERIC
But no one is coming.
ALICE
You dont know that.
Beat.
ERIC
Im pretty sure everyone is going to be at Danas.
ALICE
I think Dana is going to be surprised. Everyone is going to be at this party. Any minute,
those people are going to start showing up for the luau experience. Because. Like. Fuck
babies. We have a pig.
ERIC
Its going to be great.
DOUG
I cant compete with puppet babies.
ALICE
You dont have to. What you have done is AMAZING. Eric, you are such a slut. Youll
just go to any old party that you are invited to.

27.
ERIC
Thats how it works.
ALICE
No, no. Its not how its supposed to work. Youre supposed to be discerning, youre
supposed to-ERIC
I just want to go and have a good time. I dont want to have to discern ANYTHING.
ALICE
How do you know its good? Are you thinking critically at any point?
Beat.
ERIC
I have a good time. Its how I roll.
DOUG
So. Then. What does that mean about my parties? I thought I was good at it. At creating
something special. Being a good host. If you have a good time at every party... does that
mean my parties arent special?
ERIC
Theyre just parties.
Alice gasps.
ALICE
You did not just... Did you just shit in Dougs mouth?
ERIC
I did not just shit in Dougs mouth.
ALICE
Yes. Yes, you did. Honey, did he just shit in your mouth?
ERIC
I did not shit. But, I am a truth teller. A teller of truths. I must be honest. In my music.
With my friends. I dont pull my punches, its not pretty, some people cant handle it, and
thats fine, thats their journey through this life, but I have to tell the honest truth. I am
feeling very uncomfortable right now. This. This isnt the party that I was invited to.
Eric chugs his beer, stuffs the rest of the potato
salad into his mouth.

28.
DOUG
Youre leaving this party?
ERIC
I have a big entrance I have to do. Sorry.
Eric turns and starts to go. Alice, beer bottle in
hand.
ALICE
Eric?
Eric turns.
ALICE
Im really sorry.
Alice SWINGS the bottle at Erics head, striking
it with a THUNK. Eric drops to his knees.
ERIC
OW, FUCK!
DOUG
What are you doing?!
ALICE
I dont know, I dont know, but do you want the only guest here to leave?
Doug looks at Eric, who is fucked up from the
hit.
DOUG
I dont think hitting him was a good idea.
Doug looks around.
DOUG
What if someone saw? Its not very inviting.
ERIC
Why did you do that?

29.
ALICE
Get his keys. Get his KEYS.
Doug moves to Eric, trying to get his car keys.
ERIC
What is happening?
Eric starts fighting back. Its ugly. And not fun.
Alice joins in. They struggle. Suddenly.
DOUG
Car, car, car!
They FREEZE. The sound of a car passing by.
Doug and Alice WAVE, SMILE, doing their best
to look inviting.
ALICE
Aloha!
DOUG
Just go around, AROUND the spit!
ERIC
Help me! Help me!
ALICE
See you soon!
The car is gone. The fight continues. Finally,
Alice gets the keys.
ALICE
Got em, got em.
She walks away. Doug gets up. Eric sits up.
He is woozy.
ERIC
What is wrong with you people?
ALICE
Looks like youre staying.

30.
DOUG
You want another beer?
ERIC
NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE ANOTHER BEER. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG
WITH YOU PEOPLE?
Beat.
ALICE
What about some potato salad?
Eric begins to dig out his cell phone.
ERIC
Im calling the cops.
Alice SWATS the phone out of Erics hands.
ALICE
The chair, the chair!
Doug moves Eric to the chair. Alice grabs some
leis from the table. They tie a struggling Eric to
the chair.
ERIC
Let me go, let me go! They are expecting me to show up!
ALICE
Well. Youre here NOW. You should enjoy. Everyone is coming. They said YES. They
told me that they were coming. He worked HARD and that hard work will be rewarded.
Eric. You are a guest. Drink. Eat. Have FUN. When the pig is roasted we are going to
take it off the spit, Doug will carve it with a large sharp knife and we will consume it, we
will get grease all over our mouths and chins. We will GORGE ourselves. We will eat pig,
we will drink beer and we will laugh laughs. For THIS, THIS IS A LUAU.
Silence. Everyone breathes heavily. Doug looks
around at the wreckage. At the party. At the pig.
Alice meets his eyes.
ALICE
I might have over reacted.

31.
ERIC
You MIGHT have? LET ME OUT OF HERE.
ALICE
Why, so you could go running to Danas party?
Doug takes out his cellphone. He dials.
ERIC
AFTER I talk to the police.
ALICE
You are SUCH a pussy. One little knock to the head and youll go crying to the pigs?
ERIC
It was assault. You were trying to kill me. Doug. Doug. Im sorry that this has
happened. But its not my fault. A party by Dana? Thats a special occasion. She rarely
throws a party. And every one is transcendent. I have to, I have to go. The only thing Im
guilty of is lying to you. I only did it to spare your feelings.
ALICE
Doug, tell him that he should have chosen you over Dana. YOU.
ERIC
You KNOW that would be impossible.
Someone answers Dougs call.
DOUG
Hey, TODD.
Eric and Alice look at Doug.
DOUG
Yeah. Its Doug. Doug... Wilson. HEY. How are you? Good, good. Did I catch you
are a bad time? You sound busy. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. I was wondering if I could talk
to Dana.
ALICE
What are you doing? Are you going to... talk to Dana?
DOUG
Yes. Im going to talk to-Dana is put on the phone.

32.
DOUG
Hey, Dana. Its Doug. Wilson.
Eric and Alice are enthralled. He is really
talking to Dana.
DOUG
Yeah, yeah. Im good. Im very good. Hear you and Todd are having a baby.
Congratulations. Thats. Thats fantastic. Mm hm. Yeah. You have to go? Yeah.
Guests to attend to. Yep. Sure. I hear you, I know what thats like.
Beat.
DOUG
Oh. Um. Before you go. I just. The reason I called. I wanted to say: you win.
Beat.
DOUG
What do I mean? Well. I mean you win. You deserve it. You are so GOOD at what you
do. ...You have to know what Im talking about. Im. Im talking about us. This thing
between you and me. No, NO, Im not. Theres not. Im not trying to fuck you, Dana.
ERIC
You should hang up, Doug.
ALICE
Hang up.
DOUG
Im talking about the competition. Me with my roasting pig and luau, you and your stupid
fucking puppet babies. I dont mean that. Thats just. I know how Im sounding now, I
know how, Im emotional. Because. Well. Its been a shitty afternoon for me. I was
really hoping, hoping beyond hope that you might come to my party. But. I guess its just
not going to happen. Yep, yep, you have a. Before you go, before you. I just want to say,
the better artist won. And, you dont have to worry about me anymore. I said, you dont
have to-- Yeah. Uh huh.
Beat.
DOUG
You have a good night too.

33.
Dana hangs up. Beat. Doug looks out at the
pig.
ALICE
What did you do?
Silence. Something is forming on Dougs face.
Anger? Sadness? But. It passes with a deep
deep sigh. With a tremendous amount of
pleasure. He looks over at Alice.
DOUG
I. Quit.
Beat.
ALICE
Quit? Quit what?
Doug moans. Its pleasure.
DOUG
Oh. MAN. That. Was GREAT. If I had known it was going to feel that good, I would
have done that a long time ago.
ALICE
What the hell is wrong with you?
Doug turns to Alice. As he speaks, he steps
closer and closer to Alice.
DOUG
Why dont you ask what the hell is RIGHT with me? Because I feel good. Like really,
really good. Young. Vibrant.
Doug has Alice against the food table. He grabs
her around the waist. He begins kissing her...
all over her neck, lips...
DOUG
I quit. Throwing parties. Being an artist. The dream is dead. And I feel alive.
He kisses her, long, deep. Alice isnt sure how
to respond. Arms moving all around her body.
He begins to lay her down on the table.

34.
She pushes him away. Beat. She slaps him.
ALICE
What is happening?
ERIC
Maybe hes had. Ive heard of this happening. Hes having a psychic break or something.
People under stress, they sometimes snap.
ALICE
This hasnt happened to him before.
DOUG
Because I never QUIT before. Alice, you look SO good in those shorts. They show off
your legs. You should wear them EVERY DAY.
Alice likes what hes said, but then.
ALICE
Should we call a doctor?
Doug steps towards Alice.
DOUG
Why, when the LOVE Doctor is here?
ALICE
Eric? ERIC!?
ERIC
My father was a psychiatrist. I got this.
Eric leans forward in his chair. He speaks
calmly.
ERIC
Doug, DOUG, its Eric. We know tonight has been traumatic for you. I need you to take
a deep breath. A deep breath. Hold onto my voice.
DOUG
Eric, you might not want to watch. Things could get a little... adult.
Doug holds up his cell phone.
DOUG
To set the mood.

35.
He pushes something on his cell phone. Music
plays. Surf music.
DOUG
No, no, no. Thats not what I wanted. It was supposed to be romantic, it was supposed to
be seductive.
Doug struggles with the cell phones music
player.
ALICE
I dont know what is happening, but I dont like it, I dont like it.
Doug turns the music off.
DOUG
Ok. Lets pretend that didnt happen.
Doug sees Alice and Eric staring at him.
DOUG
What is WRONG with you two? I am not crazy. I did not HAVE a psychic break. I quit.
Thats all. I quit.
ALICE
But. Why?
DOUG
Well. I. Isnt it obvious?
Beat.
DOUG
Im a failure.
ALICE
You are not-DOUG
I am. Theres no one here. Everyone wants to go to Danas. I want the respect that Dana
gets.
ERIC
Who wouldnt?

36.
DOUG
But. I dont think its going to happen. And with tonight. Its just to much. To much. It
hurts to much to realize Im never going to get the thing I want. So, I dont want it
anymore. It mustve been the right thing to do. The moment I hung up the phone, a great
weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt light. And all I can think of doing, right now, and
forever, is making love to you, Alice.
Alice pulls away.
ALICE
I dont understand. Why now? You have been working so hard at this, for so long. Why
now? When you were so close?
ERIC
Sometimes when people get close to what they want, they cant handle the pressure and
they just snap.
DOUG
Im not close. I dont know if I have ever been CLOSE. People stopped coming. People
stopped caring. I am NEVER going to get the same response that Dana gets.
I thought you would be a little more supportive of my decision.
ALICE
Its just. Well.
ERIC
Its coming out of nowhere.
ALICE
And its horrible.
DOUG
Did you not hear the phone call? Dana didnt know who I was. She sounded like she had
no idea who I was.
ALICE
She knows who we are. Weve been to her parties.
ERIC
Im sure she knows who you are.
DOUG
I have been in competition with someone who barely knows I exist.

37.
ALICE
She KNOWS you exist, I sent her an e-vite.
DOUG
(angrily)
EVERYONE IS GOING TO DANAS.
Beat. He takes a breath. Regains his
composure.
ALICE
Doug. Are we done? Can we go back to the party at hand?
DOUG
There is NO. Alice. I dont want to do this anymore. Im not just deciding this willy
nilly.
ERIC
It sounds kind of willy nilly.
ALICE
Willy nilly. I agree.
DOUG
Its not. Ok. Its not. I have been. This isnt easy for me. Im not just CASUALLY.
Im the one throwing away years of work. This isnt just because of tonight. Its been. I
have been thinking about it. Ever since the Treasure Island Party-ALICE
Since the TREASURE ISLAND--? That was like. Three months ago. Youve been
feeling like this for three months? You could have come to me.
Eric turns to Alice.
ERIC
Youre thinking about the Clam Bake Party. The Treasure Island Party was four months
ago.
ALICE
THAT month was the Muscle Beach Party I know, I remember. Because of Keith's.
Because of his, you know-ERIC
OH, YEAH.

38.
DOUG
It doesn't MATTER, it doesnt matter when the Treasure Island Party was, but since then, I
have had an overwhelming feeling this isnt going anywhere. That I am wasting my time.
That I am. FAILING. And SO. Tonight. I decided enough is enough. I am tired of
hurting. Cant you guys be like. Supportive?
Beat.
ALICE
Come here.
DOUG
Really?
Alice opens her arms. Nods. Doug walks over
to her. He wraps her arms around her. Before
he can do anything, she puts his head on her
shoulder and starts to rock him.
ALICE
Im sorry, Doug. I am so sorry that you have been feeling this way. I might not
understand it, but I am here. HERE.
Doug cant help himself. This feels so good.
DOUG
Thank you. It feels good to finally get it off my chest. I thought you would be mad at me.
ALICE
Im mad that you couldnt share with me how you were feeling.
Doug moans.
DOUG
I was just afraid.
ALICE
Shhhh. Shhhh. Its going to be ok.
DOUG
It is. It is.
ALICE
Tomorrow morning is going to be a new day.

39.
DOUG
Yeah. We can sleep in.
ALICE
And we can knuckle down and figure out how to make next months party MORE
awesome.
Beat. Still rocking.
DOUG
Next months party.
ALICE
Thats right.
Doug stops the rocking.
DOUG
Are you listening to me?
Alice starts rocking him again.
ALICE
Shhh. Shhh. Youre just in a dark place tonight. Tomorrow. Its going to look different.
And you are going to realize you were just doubting yourself, your talent.
Doug starts to struggle.
ALICE
I am on your side. I am not going to let you let yourself down. Youre are just letting the
voice of doubt and fear speak. Say, Im a winner!
DOUG
I wont say it.
ALICE
ITS A MARATHON, NOT A RACE.
DOUG
Stop trying to handle me.
He breaks free.

40.
ALICE
Doug, Doug, I am only trying to help you!
Eric hops his chair closer to Doug.
ERIC
You are listening to the Bad Doug in your head. You have got to stop listening to the Bad
Doug. It happens to me all the time. Theres a tiny voice in your head that says you cant
do it, you wont be able to do it. You have to stop listening to that voice. That voice, it
doesn't know what its talking about. That voice is the voice of every bad person who did
a bad thing to you. Whose voice is it, Doug? Who did those bad things to you?
DOUG
Theres not-ERIC
Come on, Doug. Be honest with us. Who has been telling you that you cant do it? Was it
that girl who dumped you at my bands show? Who ran off with my former lead guitarist?
Is it her voice?
ALICE
Is it that history teacher who bullied you in high school? Is it him? He was a troll.
DOUG
No, no. There are no voices.
ALICE
Because we are here to drown out those voices, Doug.
ERIC
WE LOVE AND SUPPORT EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO, DOUG.
ALICE
STOP LISTENING TO THE VOICES.
DOUG
Why is this so HARD for you two to accept? This isnt doubt. Its fact. Its a FACT.
Im not going to get Dana to like what I do. Im a failure, I quit. This should be easy.
Youre my best friend, youre my wife. Let me quit.
Beat.

41.
ALICE
I dont care about Dana and if she likes your work or not. I dont want to give up on you
because I think you are great. I dont want you to quit for me. You MOVE people,
Doug. And I dont want you throwing that gift away.
DOUG
I move people?
ALICE
Thats right.
DOUG
Eric. Do I move people?
Eric looks at Doug.
DOUG
Youre a truth teller. You tell the truth. Tell us the truth. Do I move people with my
parties?
ALICE
Go ahead. Tell him how GREAT he is.
Alice folds her arms.
ERIC
Well. Doug. Um. You. Are. In the. World. Of. Um. If I had to make a judgement.
Like, if I had to chose. If I had to. Uh.
Doug picks up a spork and holds it to Erics
throat.
DOUG
JUST SAY IT. Why is everyone going to Danas?
ERIC
Dana is in a whole other league. Her work is a revelation. Something to truly blog and
tweet about. When everyone got her invitation, they knew they had to go. They had to see
what she was doing. A real artist.
Doug throws the spork.
DOUG
There. A REAL artist. Dana. Not me.

42.
ALICE
Thats like your opinion. What about the potato salad?
ERIC
Oh. That potato salad. It was delightful.
Doug steps over to the table. He picks up the
bowl.
DOUG
This. This potato salad?
ERIC
Thats right.
Doug DUMPS it on the floor. Eric and Alice
gasp in horror.
ERIC
NOOOOO.
DOUG
Who ever heard of FREE RANGE potatoes?
Doug starts jumping up and down on the potato
salad.
ALICE
STOP, STOP. You are ruining the potato salad!
DOUG
Yes. Yes, I am.
Doug stops jumping. He looks down at the
potato salad.
DOUG
Do they taste better than normal potatoes? Who thought it was a good idea to make potato
salad from free range potatoes?
ALICE
I thought it was a great idea. And I could taste the difference.

43.
DOUG
And look at that pig. You know what I see? Spinning in the middle of the road? An 800
dollar road hazard. Do you realize the amount of leftover we are going to have? We dont
have enough tupper ware. We dont have enough space in the refrigerator. I have grossly
over estimated my value.
Beat.
DOUG
Alice. Please. Lets stop this. Go inside and make love.
ALICE
You are not a quitter. I did not fall in love with a quitter. I will not be in love with a quitter.
You will be a success. A winner.
Beat.
DOUG
A winner? What is that? What IS a winner in art?
Alice doesnt know. Doug looks at Eric.
ERIC
Im hoping for a record deal.
ALICE
A record deal. That sounds like winning.
DOUG
It comes down to money.
ERIC
When you say it like that, it makes me sound like a sell out. But, yes. I think a record deal
would be winning. It means something.
ALICE
Its what the money means. Money means people are willing to invest in you. Or to trade
your effort for their pleasure. Its earning money for your work.
DOUG
Isnt that selling out? I should just become a party planner. Just sell my talents to the
highest bidder.
ALICE
No, no.

44.
ERIC
No, no.
ALICE
You are so much better than that. I wouldnt want you to compromise your work, just so
you could make a buck. Its about that.
ERIC
No, no.
ALICE
Youre an artist. You should do the work that comes from here.
She touches his chest.
DOUG
Im so confused.
ALICE
Its because its really hot. Youre feeling down. But when people show up, all of this
will be forgotten. Right?
ERIC
I wont tell anyone.
ALICE
Youre going to feel so much better when people start showing up.
Pause. Alice and Eric look. Alice is maybe
getting a little worried.
DOUG
When I started doing this. I did it. For good reasons. THIS is something that I can do.
This. This was about giving. I was GIVING to people.
Alice turns to him.
ALICE
Bullshit.
DOUG
Excuse me?

45.
ALICE
Bullshit.
DOUG
I am not bullshitting. Youre bullshitting. You cant be in love with me, just because I
think Im a failure.
ALICE
Youre not a failure.
DOUG
Is it so hard to be in love with a failure?
Beat.
ALICE
YES. Its easy to be in love with a winner, everyone loves a winner. I could even be in
love with a loser, because that loser is a comeback story just waiting to happen. And
everyone loves a comeback. But, a quitter? No one, but NO ONE loves a quitter. Do you
remember the party we first met?
DOUG
The apartment warming party.
ALICE
WRONG. It was Danas Spring Fling.
DOUG
The one with the bunnies?
ERIC
The one with the bunnies.
ALICE
That you could hold and pet, yes. We met there. You were this quiet, shy and utterly
forgettable guy. There was nothing interesting about you. I remember because, three
months later when you and Eric threw the apartment warming party-ERIC
That was pretty epic.
DOUG
We decorated the whole place with fire.

46.
ALICE
With FIRE. It was MONSTROUS. It was HILARIOUS. Warming the apartment with
FIRE.
ERIC
It was awesome.
DOUG
Great sheets of cardboard painted like fire. All over the place. Flames shooting out the
window.
ALICE
Brilliant.
DOUG
It came to me. Like in a dream.
ERIC
I remember when you told me about the idea. And I was like. WOAH. Thats great.
DOUG
I heard that even Dana found it funny.
ALICE
Keith brought me to that party, and when I saw you... you werent the same person. You
were glowing. Magnetic. Its like you suddenly found that thing that made you special.
That made you stand out.
DOUG
I was the guy that threw that party.
ALICE
You were that guy. Everyone was talking about you. I had to fight my way through
people to get your attention. You were the center of the universe. Thats winning. I
dumped Keith that night. Never looked back. How could I not fall in love with you?
YOU. Thats who you are. I feel in love with the guy that throws those parties. Not
THIS guy.
DOUG
You cant love this guy? A guy that. That just wants to stop hurting? Because thats
whats happening now. I keep hoping and hoping that Dana will come up that driveway.
That shell take my hand. And. Welcome me into the club. But its not going to happen,
and I am tired of hurting myself.

47.
ALICE
Of course, I dont want you to hurt. But, I dont want to see you give up. Not when you
are so close. I know you are a winner. I know you are a success. I am here to push you
to achieve everything. Youll see.
She turns to go.
DOUG
What are you doing?
ALICE
I am going to call everyone. I am going to tell them what is happening. What is at stake.
They will come. They will come and support you.
She goes into the house. Doug looks at Eric.
DOUG
Doesnt she understand? Its over. Ive quit. I cant go back on that. What would that
mean?
ERIC
I dont know! Untie, and Ill tell you.
DOUG
Theres no TIME.
Doug runs into the house.
ERIC
Im going to be late for my big entrance!
Beat.
Doug comes RUNNING out of the house,
cellphone in hand. Alice steps behind him. He
stops, turns.
DOUG
I cant let this happen. Ive made my decision.
ALICE
And I am unmaking it for you. Youve made a mistake. Its fine. Only Eric and I know.
You dont have to be embarrassed.

48.
DOUG
Im not embarrassed. Im free.
ALICE
Give me my cell phone. Im not going to ask again.
She steps towards him. He runs away. She
follows. They are running in circles.
DOUG
Youre not going to get-ALICE
Would you just-ERIC
Doug, youre not being-DOUG
I dont want anyone coming-Alice grabs the wooden sculpture, wielding it like
a club.
ALICE
GIVE ME THE PHONE, DOUG.
DOUG
Lets go see a movie! We can make out in the back row.
She swings the wooden sculpture. Doug dodges.
It crashes onto the table. Crudites goes
FLYING.
ALICE
You are making me very angry, Doug.
She swings again. Doug dodges, this time she
hits ERIC, knocking him over.
ERIC
OW. Stop hitting me!

49.
DOUG
Alice, Im begging you. Dont call anyone. Lets just-She swings again, connects with Doug. Doug
drops to the ground. Alice grabs the cell phone.
DOUG
Dont you dare dial. Dont you dare dial!
She is dialing. Doug stands up wearily.
ALICE
VOICEMAIL. Hi, Mitchell, its Alice.
Doug tackles Alice to the ground. He wrestles
the phone away from her.
DOUG
Hey, Mitchell. Sorry Im out of breath, Alice and I were having sex!
ALICE
We werent having sex! We werent having sex!
Eric sees something.
ERIC
KIDS! KIDS! ON BIKES!
ALICE
Aloha, kids! Are you coming to luau?
Silence. Bike bells. The kids keep circling.
ALICE
Theres FOOD, theres beer! You kids like beer?
ERIC
Get a knife! A broken bottle, you can cut me loose!
ALICE
How about candy? Do you like candy? We have candy.
DOUG
Its a trick. Theres no candy in the house.

50.
ALICE
Shut up. Dont ruin this for me.
DOUG
Its not YOURS to ruin.
ERIC
Theyre leaving.
ALICE
Its just as much mine as it is yours.
DOUG
You just handled the invitations.
ERIC
They are... almost out of sight.
ALICE
You blame ME for this?
DOUG
Its not about BLAME.
ERIC
Theyre gone.
Alice looks. Doug looks. They stand. Breath.
Alice sees the cell phone. She tries to snatch the
cell from Doug. She tries, she tries, she tries.
Doug tosses it into the beer tub.
ALICE
What are you DOING?
DOUG
No phone. No guests. No party.
Beat.
ALICE
As long as there is food, there is a party. Im going to call from the landline.
Doug SHOVES Alice to the ground and runs
into the house. Alice follows.

51.
Beat. Crashing. Inside. Doug comes out with
a LARGE CARVING KNIFE. Alice enters.
DOUG
Die, pig, DIE!
He charges to the pig. Alice stops next to Eric.
ALICE
OH, MY GOD. Youve got to stop him.
ERIC
YOU stop him.
ALICE
I dont think I can!
ERIC
I cant stop him!
ALICE
Hes destroying the pig!
ERIC
Im powerless!
ALICE
Hes throwing the meat into the fire, hes RUINING it.
ERIC
I am tired up!
ALICE
He frightens me!
ERIC
He IS your husband.
ALICE
Hes YOUR friend.
ERIC
Hes acting like a--

52.
Doug returns. Covered in burnt pig flesh and
grease. Carrying the knife in one hand, the head
of a pig in the other. He is monstrous.
He drops the pigs head on the driveway with a
THUNK at Alices feet. Eric and Alice shrink in
horror.
DOUG
No food. No party.
Doug grabs a beer. He drinks.
DOUG
This beer. Its shitty.
Silence. Alice, desperate.
ALICE
You have ruined. EVERYTHING.
DOUG
I didnt want to do this. I just wanted to walk away. Quietly. With dignity. But you...
you just kept pushing and pushing.
ALICE
Me? ME? Dont put this on me. Its YOU. YOU are the selfish one. Have you once
thought about ME, and how your decision affects ME?
DOUG
OH. I see. I see what your REALLY about. This is all about YOU and what YOU want.
ALICE
I want whats best for you.
DOUG
You want me to keep going for YOU.
ALICE
Whats best for you is to not give up-DOUG
Because YOU get a lot of attention too.

53.
ALICE
Its not about the attention.
DOUG
You LOVE it when someone turns to you and says, Your husband, he just so fabulous
and creative, you are so lucky.
ALICE
Like you got NOTHING out it. You loved all of the attention. How the ladies of the
neighborhood used to look at you, laugh and flirt with you. I saw it. I saw how much you
loved it.
DOUG
But they are gone now. Where are the people to whisper in your ear, you must feel so
lonely.
ALICE
(begging)
You can get them back. We can both get what we want back. You have to remember, its
a marathon, not a race.
DOUG
A MARATHON IS A RACE. Alice. A 26 mile RACE. There is a WINNER and there
are losers. I am one of the losers. And I am tired of losing. So, I quit. I am a quitter.
Silence. Alice glares at Doug. She becomes like
stone. She marches into the house.
DOUG
Alice. Come on. ALICE.
Shes gone. Doug looks at Eric. Eric looks at
Doug. Like REALLY looks at him.
DOUG
You dont really think Im wrong do you? Really?
Beat.
ERIC
I dont think I could be your friend anymore.
DOUG
What?

54.
ERIC
I said: I dont think I can be your friend anymore. Were just in two different worlds. Im
the artist. And you. Well. Youre not the guy that throws those parties anymore. So. I
guess youre just a civilian. I dont think I could possibly relate to you now. Im sorry.
DOUG
Youre joking. This is a joke.
ERIC
See. Right there. We cant relate to each other. Or you would have known Im am totally
serious. The divide has already begun. Its happened before. We had a bass player. He
fell in love with a girl, they got married, they had kids. He had to spend more and more
time with the family--and I dont blame him--and less and less time with the band. He
decided to quit. But, he said, Ill still come to the shows, and cheer you on. A year later, I
saw him, for the first time. All he could talk about was his kids: their new words, what
they were climbing on, and what color their poop is. This guy had introduced me to some
serious bands, some great poets. And he was talking about the color of poop, Doug. The
color of poop. We cant be friends. Were just living in two different worlds.
DOUG
I would have thought you would at least be sympathetic to me.
ERIC
Sympathetic. I literally have no idea what you are talking about. I have never considered.
Quitting.
DOUG
You have never?
ERIC
Thats right.
DOUG
Never once? Never once thought about quitting your band?
ERIC
Quit my band? Why would I want to quit my band? We are going to explode. I dont
even know you anymore.
DOUG
Im not saying that you WANT to quit your band, Im saying you have probably thought
about quitting your band.

55.
ERIC
Never.
DOUG
Its just you and your drummer.
ERIC
Yeah.
DOUG
And he hates you.
ERIC
So?
DOUG
And you hate him.
ERIC
That CONFLICT fuels our art. I guess you wouldnt get that now that youre not an artist.
DOUG
You play in a coffee shop twice a month.
ERIC
We have FANS. Were mixing a demo.
DOUG
Its been two years. Two years since youve recorded it. How long does it take to make a
demo?
ERIC
I told you. Its HARD to make a demo.
DOUG
And the music.
ERIC
What about the music?
DOUG
Its not very... its a little derivative. Dont you think? It sounds like a lot of other bands
on the radio. Youre chasing something rather than coming up with your own unique
voice.

56.
Beat.
ERIC
GOD. You sound like my father. He never got me either. HE was always after me to quit
my music. He wanted me to become a music teacher. A TEACHER. FUCK. See. This
is why, this is why I cant be friends with a civilian. You just dont get what its like.
DOUG
I get what its like. Im just saying, you dont have to keep pounding at the wall with your
head.
ERIC
Are you trying... to seduce me?
DOUG
No, no. Im trying to make you see reason.
ERIC
Your reasoning, it sucks. You dont get what its like to keep going in the face of REAL
adversity. I make music with someone that REALLY hates me. Because I want to make
music. Because I see myself on top. I aim high so I dont fall low.
DOUG
I dont know what that means.
ERIC
Of course you dont, quitter.
DOUG
Eric, please, dont call me that.
ERIC
Thats what you are. When I get free, Im deleting your number from my phone.
DOUG
You dont mean that.
ERIC
Give me my phone.
Doug doesnt move.
ERIC
GIVE ME MY PHONE.

57.
Doug goes and gets Eric is phone. Eric takes it.
DOUG
Please, dont do that.
ERIC
My thumb is over the delete button, Doug. Over the delete button. I cant have your
negative energy in my life.
DOUG
I dont have any negative energy.
ERIC
Its funny, because from where Im sitting, you have a lot of negative energy.
Eric pushes the button. Doug is deleted from
Erics phone.
DOUG
Why did you do that?
Erics thumb keeps moving.
DOUG
What.... What are you doing?
ERIC
Im defriending you. I am unfollowing you. Negative energy gone. And now, I am
removing you from Luddite Revolvers mailing list.
DOUG
But, how will I know when the next show is?
ERIC
You wont. You wont, Doug. You wont know when the next show is, and I dont want
you there for it.
DOUG
But.
ERIC
No.

58.
DOUG
Im a fan.
ERIC
I dont want you as a fan. I want believers as a fan. I want people who believe in the
audience. You dont believe. Your new life is going to be devoid of belief. Of whimsey.
Thats what you have chosen for yourself.
DOUG
I can still be a fan of your band.
ERIC
You might listen to the music, but you wont hear it. You wont hear it in here.
Eric tries to touch his heart, but, hes still tied
up. And his hand wont reach.
ERIC
Good bye, Doug.
Beat. Eric looks away.
DOUG
Eric?
Beat.
DOUG
Eric. Im right here.
Doug moves to stand in Erics sightline. Eric
shifts his head.
DOUG
Eric.
Doug repeats, Eric keeps shifting his gaze. Back
and forth, back and forth.
DOUG
Eric, Eric, Eric. Just look at me. Just LOOK AT ME.
Doug stops. Hes breathless.

59.
Alice comes storming out. She carries three
suitcases and a duffel bag. She DUMPS them
on the drive way.
ALICE
Ive called our lawyer. Im asking you for a divorce.
DOUG
A divorce?
ALICE
Our lawyer. My lawyer advised me that I should claim the house as my own as quickly as
possible. Ive packed your things.
DOUG
Youre... LEAVING me?
ALICE
Technically, Im making you leave me. Im going to get a divorce, Doug. Its really for
the best. If it means anything to you, we had some good times. We had some laughs.
And you were a better lover than Keith.
DOUG
You cant be throwing away our marriage just for this.
ALICE
Without success, our marriage isnt worth anything. Youve made it clear, Doug. You
have no ambition. No desire. To keep trying to succeed.
Beat.
DOUG
Where am I going to stay?
ALICE
You could stay with Eric.
ERIC
He cant stay with me. Hes dead to me. Tell him I said that.
ALICE
Eric says you are dead to him. I dont think youll be able to stay with him.
DOUG
Alice, you are being ridiculous. You cant kick me out.

60.
ALICE
This isnt easy for me. This is breaking my heart. But. To see you like this. Without
ambition. Without. Drive. What could have been. Thats all that I see. What could have
been.
DOUG
This isnt. You cant be serious.
ALICE
I guess I shouldve seen it coming. The work wasnt showing your usual sparkle. The
numbers were declining. I thought it was me. But, it was you. You lost your commitment
to your craft. We were headed here all along.
DOUG
You said I was doing great.
ALICE
I am a motivator. I say what I need to in order to get you motivated to do your best work.
DOUG
Those have all been lies.
ALICE
No, I believed everything I was saying. But, looking back now...
DOUG
You didnt believe in me?
Beat.
ALICE
The truth is: I dont have any respect for you. Because you have decided that you arent
interested in success. And success means respect. You have the respect of your peers.
Your friends. People like you if you are successful. People love you if you are successful.
If you quit, you cant have success. And if you dont have success. Well. I guess I was
wrong all of this time, you dont deserve it.
Beat.
ALICE
Its for the best, Doug.
DOUG
I dont want to leave. I wont leave.

61.
ALICE
If you dont go. I will call the police and report that a homeless man sexually assaulted me.
Beat.
DOUG
I didnt sexually assault you. How can you accuse me of... Dont you know what that will
do?
ERIC
You did. I saw it. When you were trying to make love to her.
DOUG
Everyone will think that Im a criminal. Everyone will hate me.
ALICE
Dont they already?
ERIC
I know I do.
DOUG
Eric? You too?
ERIC
Dead to me.
ALICE
Sometimes I live in regret. I should never have left Keith.
ERIC
Keith? Keith is single right now.
ALICE
REALLY?
ERIC
Hes never gotten over you.
DOUG
No. Not Keith! Anyone but Keith!
ALICE
After five years. How flattering!

62.
ERIC
He just got a new job. Hes writing for an online magazine. He travels the world.
ALICE
Eric, I am so sorry about today. This isnt the party that I envisioned.
ERIC
Oh, Alice. Its not your fault.
ALICE
But I feel a certain amount of responsibility.
ERIC
Weve been through a lot together. Lets not lay blame on either one of us. This is just a
part of our journey through our lives. Friends?
ALICE
Oh. Eric. YES.
They hug. Its awkward. Eric is still tied to the
chair.
DOUG
So. The cheese stands alone. I can accept that. I accept me. I dont know who I am. I
dont know where I am going, but I accept me. You cant love me. Thats alright.
Because I love myself. I can say that. I love me. Conditionally. I dont have to be
anything. No expectations. I can just go out into the world and see it. And if that means
doing that on my own, thats fine. I can do that. Im strong. This Doug, hes ok. And
thats enough. I dont have to be funny. I dont have to be talented. I dont have to move
anyone. And thats ok. Thats enough. Thats all that I want.
Doug stands alone.
Alice bends down and hugs Eric. He tries to pat
her on the back. But. Cant.
Doug sees something. He cant believe it.
DOUG
(whispering)
Car.
He swallows. Hes not even sure what he sees.
Its something. In the distance. Coming.
Closer.

63.
DOUG
Car. Theres a car.
Eric and Alice disengage.
ERIC
We should totally plan a party together.
ALICE
You would collaborate with me?
ERIC
In a heart beat.
DOUG
That. Looks like. Dana.
Eric and Alice look at Doug. Doug points.
DOUG
Who? Who does that look like?
Dougs voice is coming back.
DOUG
Tell me thats not Dana.
Alice and Eric look.
ERIC
Dana does drive an electric car. And that is an electric car.
The electric car whizzs on by. Everyone takes a
breath.
ALICE
I think that was Dana.
ERIC
It looked like Dana.
ALICE
It has to be Dana.
DOUG
She mustve changed her mind. Right after the phone call.

64.
He shouts and waves after her.
DOUG
Dana! Dana! Over here! Where is she going?
ALICE
She is probably looking for parking.
ERIC
The perfect parking spot. Its an electric car, you dont want to mess that up. She is going
to be here any minute.
ALICE
What are we going to do? What are we going to serve? Theres nothing.
ERIC
Oh. Um.
ALICE
Come on, come on. THINK, Eric.
ERIC
We could-ALICE
We could--?
ERIC
We could serve pizza. Everyone loves pizza. Who doesnt love pizza.
ALICE
Yes. Of course, for it to fit the theme it would have to be Hawaiian.
ERIC
I dont like ham. Could we do pineapple and pepperoni?
Alice grabs Eric and shakes him and the chair
violently.
ALICE
THEN IT WOULDNT BE HAWAIIAN. THINK, Eric. THINK.
Doug touches Alice. Everything grows quiet.
DOUG
I know what we could serve.

65.
ALICE
You do?
DOUG
This guy. This guy knows what to do.
Eric speaks as if Doug has returned from the
afterlife.
ERIC
Doug...
ALICE
Oh, DOUG.
She embraces him, kisses him. He starts taking
her hands off of him.
DOUG
Alice. In the refrigerator. Theres more potato salad. Youll need to get more for the table.
Theres plenty more.
ALICE
I love you.
DOUG
Go. Quickly. Shes probably done parking.
She turns to go.
DOUG
And Alice.
She stops.
DOUG
Dont forget the rosemary. The rosemary makes it.
She nods, turns and goes.
DOUG
Eric.
Doug takes the knife, moves to Eric.

66.
DOUG
I need your help.
ERIC
Sure, Doug, sure.
Doug cuts Eric free.
DOUG
In the living room, get the speakers. We need music. That was the problem this whole
time, thats why no one was having a good time. There was no music.
Eric stands, he wobbles. Doug grabs him.
DOUG
Eric. Your band. It moves me. Maybe next time. You can play the party.
Beat.
ERIC
Thanks. Doug. That means a lot. Coming from you.
DOUG
And we need more beer. Dana likes beer. Ive seen her drink it.
ERIC
On it.
Eric goes. Stops. Turns.
ERIC
You inspire me. I think Im going to write a song about tonight.
He goes. A moment. Doug scans the space.
DOUG
Perfect.
Doug picks up the pigs head. He looks at it.
Alas, poor Yorick. He makes the decision.
DOUG
Hello, old friend. Im happy to serve. You. For Dana.
Surf music. Doug lifts the pig head high above
him, and then, he lowers it...

67.
He slides the pig head over his own.
He begins to dance. Slowly. The lights begin to
fade.
END OF PLAY