Finding Wanda

by Maria Elena Grace D. Katigbak

Many of my friends would say they experienced love for the first time when they
were twelve years-old, or sixteen if they were more conservative. I was the kind of girl
who never counted my puppy-love flings as true love-whether it was because of
bitterness that it never worked out or because, in retrospect, those relationships felt too
shallow, I never cared to guess; but the first time I ever fell in-love, I knew right away.
I was twenty-one years old and was about to graduate college in a few months time
when we started dating. He was twenty-six and was on the yellow-brick road to being a
successful writer. The very first time I ever told him that I loved him was right after
meeting his ex-girlfriend at a party. She was his first love and they were together for
seven years.
He drove me home that night, and despite being upset about meeting his ex I tried
my best to pretend as if it did not bother me at all, unfortunately, I wasnt very good at
hiding my anxiety.
Listen-he says after we had just reached my house.
I have something to tell you; I had been thinking about saying the L word all night.
I was afraid it would frighten him since wed only been dating for a few months and we
hadnt had sex-I was practically ten years too early for the L word.
But I went with my gut anyway.
I love you.
That threw him off guard, but he smiled in that boyish way that made me agree to go
out with him in the first place. He kissed me softly and whispered I love you back.
You dont understand, I told him. I love you so much... it scares me. I dont mean to
freak you out or anything, but Ive never felt like this about anyone. I guess it comes with
being young and feeling this for the first time. He starts to kiss me again but I cut him
off.
My point is... youre my first love, and I know she was your first love, too. He sighs
out of frustration and I cut him off before he can start explaining. I just mean that, I
know what Im feeling right now is exactly how you felt for her when you were a little
younger than me. I love you so much I feel like my feelings for you will never disappear.
I just want to know that, whether or not you still have feelings for her, you will never
intentionally hurt me, right?

He stared at me, seeming to weigh his words, but as a writer it felt like he always
knew the right words to say.
I cant say I never loved her enough to imagine us being together forever, he starts,
but I can, with all honesty, tell you that the main reason I got over her was when I met
you. Im telling you right now that I have absolutely no feelings for her, and that I love
you so much I will spend every day for the rest of my life showing you just how much I
love you.
You shouldnt-
-make promises I cant keep, I know. But I am telling you that this is one promise I
am certain I will never break. I looked into his eyes, wanting to find fault in his words,
but I knew they were real. I knew he believed them, too.
That night, those words, and that smile made me fall in-love with him more-if that
were even possible. I felt like I was on top of the world, and he was my anchor and my
life-line.
I was in-love, and I loved him. Sometimes my feelings overwhelmed me to the point
of insanity. He could make my heart sing all different kinds of melodies and he also had
the power to shut down everything in my system.
I like to think that before he died, I was the last person in his mind. We were together
for two blissful years until he broke my heart and fell in-love with a singer-someone who
could actually sing the melodies he inspired. The next time I saw him after our break-up,
he was in-love with a different woman, and afterward, he found another girl who stole
his heart.
He married the sixth woman he fell in-love with, and the only girl he loved after his
wife was his only daughter, Wanda. Wanda was the only girl he truly loved-the only girl
he would keep his promise of spending the rest of his life showing her how much he
truly loved her.
He got divorced after six years of being married to the mother of Wanda, and he died
two years after his divorce; he was forty years-old.
I had just recently heard about his death through his best friend, he told me that he
was the best father he had ever seen and that he still continued to be the most amazing
man he will ever remember.
When he broke my heart, I wanted so much to believe that he was a liar. I would
always go back to the night he stole my heart forever and I would often daydream about
throwing those words at his face during his wedding.

I couldnt, of course. Because as much as I wanted to believe that he poisoned my

head with empty words and lies, I knew that he didnt. It was his eyes, that night he told
me he loved me I knew that he believed that we would be together forever. During those
two years that we were together, he spent every day making me fall in-love with him
over and over again.
I fell in-love again twice after my first love, but I never had the courage to get
married. My last boyfriend proposed to me when I was thirty-one years old, and he
broke up with me when I couldnt find it in myself to commit to him forever.
I wish I were spontaneous enough to fall in-love, get married, and have children. I
wish I could love someone and know that I will spend my whole life loving that person.
But every time I come close to feeling that way, I always go back to that night when he
stole my heart and made me feel so alive.
I always tell myself that a big part of why I can never commit to anyone is because I
have always believed that nothing is permanent. I could get married now but I know my
feelings will never last. But I know, and will never admit, that the reason why I can never
settle down is because I keep looking back to that night, wishing I could be young again
and be swayed by the promise of forever.
Wishing I could wake up one morning to the sound of his voice saying, I will spend
every day for the rest of my life showing you just how much I love you.