OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT

NFL HEADQUARTERS MEETING, May 6, 2014

345 PARK AVENUE, NEW YORK, NY 10154
(not for distribution to the media, without express consent of NFL administration)
Goodell: "good morning, everyone. Glad you could all make it. I called this meeting to
discuss the fallout from the Wells report and what we're going to do about. I think
everyone knows everyone else, but let's go around the table, anyway, and just
introduce yourself and what you do."
Kensil: "I'm Mike Kensil, Vice President for Game Operations. I spent the first 28 years
of my career working as an executive for the Jets, but I'm completely fair and unbiased,
eh Rog?" (laughter heard, source unknown)
Pash: "Jeff Pash, NFL general counsel. I try to keep the people at this table out of
trouble."
Wells: "I'm Ted Wells. I'm listed as the author of the report, although in fairness it was
written by two junior associates, and I pretty much just skimmed it over the weekend."
Goodell: "Thank you, everyone. I'd like to also introduce Ryan Grigson, the Colts GM,
who is not a member of this NFL executive committee, but I invited him here because
he's got a unique perspective on this, he was the tattletale, I mean the whisteblower,
that's responsible for this. First of all, I think we can all agree that we will treat the Wells
report as Gospel, as the unvarnished unquestioned truth, and the NFL will stand behind
it one hundred percent. Agreed, everyone? Ted, wake up! Agreed, everyone?"
Goodell: "now there are a couple of things in the report we need to go over, because
everybody in New England is claiming there are substantial flaws that invalidate the
report. For instance, 3 out of the 4 Colts balls that were tested at halftime were also
below the 12.5 psi minimum. So how do we explain that we're going to punish the
Patriots when 75% of the Colts balls were also in violation of the rules?"
Kensil:" well, why don't we just say it's because we hate the Patriots?"

Goodell: "no Mike, that's won't work, it's true but we need something that will look good
in the press. Grigson, you don't have to raise your hand, just tell us your idea."
Grigson: "well, I don't really have an idea for that, I just wanted to ask if we can have a
"do over" after we drafted a wide receiver we didn't really need in the first round? We're
getting hammered by Bob Kravitz on this."
Goodell: "We'll talk about that later. But tell Kravitz I said "Hi." Now, how do we explain
away the Colts having footballs that were under-inflated? Rex Ryan, how did you get in
here??!!"
Ryan: "I heard you were having unlimited snacks. Anyway, why not just blame it on the
weather? You know, going from the locker room to a cooler environment, that would
affect the air pressure."
Goodell: "true, but that's exactly what the Patriots are saying! We can't say the weather
affected the Colts balls, but not the Patriots. Now who's got a plausible explanation?
Pash: "how about a clerical error?"
Goodell: "good call, Jeff, that'll fit right in with the transcription error reference that's
buried in footnote 41 of the report...I'm a little concerned about the fact that they tested
eleven Patriots footballs at halftime, and only four Colts balls. It's pretty flimsy to say
they didn't have time to check them all. How do we explain that?"
Pash: "why don't we just ignore it?"
Goodell: "Excellent, that's a strategy that's always worked for me!. Now what about all
the press articles saying that Exponent is a shill for whatever a client wants them to say,
and they have a reputation for producing biased reports? How do we handle that?"
Kensil: "Why don't we just blame everything on Belichick? That worked with Spygate!"
Goodell: "Yeah, but that was a one shot deal. I wanted a new scapegoat this time, and I
have one in Brady, but I need something to address the bias allegations against
Exponent. Grigson, any ideas?"
Grigson: "Yeah, just do what Jim Irsay does. You put out a statement that simply says
you're infallible you know, kind of like the Pope, but with arrogance."
Goodell: "works for me. I'll just say we're right, they're wrong, and that's that. OK, last
item, what do we do with Brady? Suspend him, fine him? Any ideas?"
Kensil: "Yeah, we kidnap the bastard and cut off his hands
loud? I was just daydreaming."

oh sorry, was I talking out

Grigson: "oh hell, I don't care, as long they have Blount, we'll still give up 300 rushing
yards. Any chance you could suspend all their running backs, along with Brady? Come
on, Roger, please, don't make me beg."
"Ryan: "what if you take away all his wins since 2001 ? Just like what the NCAA did to
Penn State?"
Barack Obama (on speaker phone): "uh, excuse me Roger, I just wanted to put my two
cents in here. Since Brady snubbed me by not showing up at the White House, you
don't have to worry about him. Let's just say Homeland Security is taking care of this
issue. You won't be hearing from Mr. Brady anymore."
"Goodell: Thank you, Mr. President, that solves that problem. Anybody have anything
else?"
"Ryan: yes; where the hell are the snacks?"