Grey Matter Easter 2006

Pimp my college, bitch!
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Editor’s grumble
Hello, my little chickadees!
Welcome to my final Grey Matter. It’s been

emotional, it’s been fraught, but the time has finally
come for me to recognise that I’m too old for this
malarkey anymore.
This term’s effort has been truly monumental. That

is, it’s been pretty shite, as per usual. You’re all a
load of tossers and I’ll be glad to be leaving you
behind. With the exception of Dave Knoll - you’re
the top dude!
To my sub-editors: Mike & Liam - thanks for the

effort; just please don’t ever use a bloody Mac
again! Jules, Elmsey - I hope you were doing
something more worthwhile. Bianca - errr…
I’m now leaving the country. So farewell, and sleep

well.
*Hugs & Kisses*
Si
News in brief
Julian Mak spotted lurking in bushes near Back
2 School
Annual AUT picnic described as being “short of

a sandwich”
Last term’s edition of Grey Matter spotted near

Loch Ness
Dave & Seb’s end-of-exam ego trip to become

annual event
Cheerleaders demand £1037.12 for saucers of

milk
Small blonde hamster seen scurrying behind bar
Tim Stohr to be Germany’s next Eurovision entry
Idea to replace coaches with sardine tins hailed

a roaring success
“The Phoenix Ball is gonna be as fun as cancer”
- Simon Wright
James Davvill Ruselll Welsh
On Jully 7th, Gray Colleg hostz the most hottly con-

tested batle sinse Myke Tison v Linux Loois. Th gran
final of Sepling chalenge 2006 seize the king of drukan
frizbe banta tak on the pylote with a fassinashun for cul-
luring pensils. The compatishun wil concist of 3 rounds.
Round 1: Medical terminology

Example words: cholesterol, Alzheimer's, osteoporosis.
Round 2: Botanical names

Example words: antirrhinum, chrysanthemum, leuca-
dendron.
Round 3: Nursery Rhymes

Example words: dog, big, pop.
Grey Matter’s guide on
How to get a motion passed
To get a motion passed, it may often seem that no thought
needs to be put in. So long as it is lengthy and refers to multiple
appendices and constitutional changes, the JCR will pass it
without reading it properly.
However, if you’re not clever enough to use big words and
rewrite sections of the standing orders then you may be picked
up on this. What then? Here are the following simple guidelines
to make sure your motion succeeds.
1. Bring along a large number of girls in short skirts.

2. Forget all considerations of how to construct a meaningful
argument and give a vitriolic speech describing how your motion
is more important than 3rd world poverty and climate change.
3. Whinge & pout at the first sign of opposition.
4. Employ a brute squad to back you up.
It is still possible that the motion may fail. If this is the case, then
there are some emergency measures you can take.
5. Get an audience with the exec – preferably with some of

your banana-fisted brute squad by your side.
6. Have a secret meeting in the JCR beforehand to plan a
personal attack on those who opposed the motion.
5. Go back to JCR meeting with more girls in shorter skirts.
Your motion should now have met the criteria to pass the
majority of non-thinking JCR members.
“I’ve given one girl gonorrhoea and one girl syphilis”

Adam Rowlands
Nigel Brook
The Man, The Mission, The Misconceptions
Ask anyone in Grey College about the wildest party they ever at-
tended, and the name Nigel Brook will never be far from your ears. In just
a few short months, Nigel has carved out a name for himself as the go-to
man for events that are as forgettable as they are memorable - for all the
right reasons. But what makes up this enigma of a man? We caught with
him as he enjoyed the sun of Grey Day to find out.
“I guess I never really felt comfortable with the label of
‘wildchild’” says Nigel. “Sure, I throw a good party, but that doesn’t
make me a bad person, and some of the rumours I hear are downright
hurtful”.
But life wasn’t always a party for Nigel - over the course of this
year he has battled both prejudice and major illness, most famously a
nasty flu-like virus.
“Orrr, I shan’t be coming out tonight”, grumbled Nigel. “Doctors
orders, flu-like virus, early night for me”.
Many feared that Nigel would not recover from such an illness, but
over the past term he has bounced back miraculously, throwing a short
stubby finger up to his naysayers, and adding a few names and numbers to
his fabled palm pilot in the process.
But there was more trouble after an idiosyncratically wild
trip to Alton Towers, which resulted in both a lifetime ban
from the park for Nigel, as well as calls for his resignation and
whispers of trouble at the top.
“Look, I didn’t know they were hookers, but hey, I have no
regrets” says Nigel of his now notorious ride on Nemesis, “and lets face
it, those height restrictions are ridiculous”.
And what of the much-publicised romance between Nigel and
fresher’s rep Laura Daykin?
“Rumours are rumours, let’s just say we’re close friends” says a
characteristically tight-lipped Nigel with a sly wink. So what’s next for
Nige?
“Well, I’ve produced a new revision of the social calendar, which
I’ll be emailing out tomorrow, and I’ve compiled a detailed
itinerary for the upcoming OC Society ball”.
Whatever the rumours tell you, one thing is certain - with
Nigel Brook at the helm, 2007 is going to be a wild ride.
Grey College Goes on the Game
Due to declining conference trade and
increasing overheads, Karen Blundell has
unveiled her latest plan yet to make the college
pay its way. Under the new scheme the College,
which is currently a non-profit charity, would
open up as a brothel out of term, when confer-
ence business was slack.
“St. Mary’s College have been operating
a similar system for years” explained Karen,
Henry Dyson in who is known for her radical feminist views.
negotiations with “The only difference will be that our girls will
the Bursar charge top dollar while theirs practically give it
away.”
College Chaplain, Canon David Kennedy, said during a ser-
mon at the Chapel: “Verily, was not Rahab the prostitute considered
righteous and welcomed as a child of God. So shall Karen Blundell be
welcomed by the Grey College Governors if she gets the books to bal-
ance for the first time in the long and illustrious history of this noble
institution. Let us pray for her success and for her mortal soul”.
Whilst unpacking a gross of economy red light bulbs, Peter
Dunn was reported as saying: “Wayaye, it’s a reet canny plan like. But
there’s a lot of work involved in it for the rest of us. I’ve got bedsprings
to oil, light bulbs to change, the johnny machines need refilling twice a
day – and we’re not even open yet!”
Specific proposals include:

• Open the Bar to non-residents, purchase high stools and show big
screen porn
• Rent rooms by the hour in Oswald and allow ‘parking-up’ in
Hollingside Lane
• Replace the computer in Reception with a big shiny brass cash
register
• Replace the College safe with a handbag stuffed with £10 notes
and condoms
“I do a bit of a sausage.” - Alice Milner
How to interpret Mr. Mak
It is often very frustrating when
what we say is misinterpreted. So
for the benefit of those who ever
talk to Julian Mak, here’s how to
work out what he’s actually trying
to say
Mak: If a female wore a skin tight low cut top, short

mini skirt, walking along dark alleys in the middle of
the night alone, drunk, then as they say, "she frigging
deserved it".
Translation: I believe if someone doesn't have the
common sense to protect themselves with reasonable
measures then it's their own problem.
Mak: Maybe I will finish this degree and become a

Buddhist monk or a hermit and play with bears in the
forests, and not bother paying the debt back.
Translation: I really am going to miss lunch.
Mak: Smoking is wrong, but it doesn’t stop me doing it

Translation: If someone doesn't like it, tough shit,
doesn't affect my style of life, nor anyone elses.
“I normally do worse things to my sister at home” - Kirk Waite
Dear Pete,
I’m feeling a bit down. I think the main reason is that ever since I came
to Grey in october 2003 all I’ve really wanted is a nice girl to call my
own - but I never seem to catch a break. Any suggestions?
3rd year webcam operator
Pete says: I’m glad you asked, Dave. My first step would be to find the
girl you’re interested in, wait until friday night Hound, then get
smashed on White Ace and furiously spin your penis at her while sing-
ing a 1980’s electro pop hit. Or just break into her room and piss on her
CD player - chicks dig it!
Dear Andrea,
I’ve been having some trouble with my boyfriend - he seems to be a bit
off with me, and doesn’t spend as much time with me as he used to. It
used to be flowers and gifts, now I’m lucky if I get so much as a packet
of pork-scratchings for my trouble. What can I do?
1st year yelper, Elvet
Andrea says: We’ve all been there - it’s time to put some spice into
the relationship! Firstly, climb onto your chair in the dining room and
publicly abuse anyone you think might be messing with your man.
Then, put a toothbrush down your pants and deepthroat a banana. He’ll
be entranced!
Grey Perks
In a renewed effort to bolster staff-student relations,

college have commissioned their very own brand of
adult toys. All toys come fully guaranteed. College
logos may be added at extra cost.
The Chambo
This neat little thing is perfect for long

summer nights. It gets right up your
ass, yet you soon find that you don’t
mind that much. Once you’ve had it,
life would be duller without it.
The Bush-Bee
Here’s one to tickle your fancy. It’s

great fun the right hands, but can sting
a little if handled inappropriately.
Superb Italian craftsmanship & a feisty
little motor keep it running forever.
The Heslingtonator
Hand-crafted by our very own Big

Jean, this little baby will have you
wondering what men are for. It gives a
girl everything she needs; and there’s
no whining or demands for ironing or
cooking at all. Great!
A day in the life of…
Bianca Belby
Roving GM reporter, Bianca Belby, here

gives us a sneak look at what life is like
juggling the multiple responsibilities of
student life and sub-editing for Durham’s
most prestigious publication.
08.00 Woke up. Early start. Good. Showered. Turn

on computer. Signed-in MSN. Checked
Facebook.
09.00 Breakfast. Checked post.
10.00 Finished checking post. Nothing. Back to
room. Edited status on Facebook: revising.
De-tagged photos from Hound.
10.45 Wrote Grey Matter article - hilarious(!)
11.00 Minimized Facebook page. Checked DUO
e-mails – select all. Delete.
11.05 Found out had Literature exam tomorrow.
Downloaded lecture notes, printed them,
stapled them, put them in a drawer.
12.00 Started getting ready for lunch.
12.15 Started queuing for lunch.
13.00 Got into lunch.
13.15 JCR for neighbours.
14:20 Tried Sudoku – got stuck after 4th number.
15.00 Back to room. Checked Facebook. Replied to
Stew. Looked at his photos.
16.00 Replied again to Stews next post. Poked Luke
back. Etiquette. Looked at his photos.
17.30 Neighbours
18.00 Started queuing for dinner.
18.30 Got into dinner. No food left.
19.00 Wrote revision timetable.
19.15 Lost revision timetable.
19.30 Had a nap.
21.00 Woke up for Big Brother
22.00 Checked Facebook
22:30 Remembered GM editorial meeting earlier
this evening. Sent apologies.
23.00 Turned off laptop and hid it under my bed.
Start thinking about revision.
23.15 Went into Lisa’s room for a chat. Stalked
‘The Fit Group’ on her computer.
00.00 Opened a drawer. Came across some
print-outs. Threw them in bin.
00.15 Needed to chill out before exam. Watched
Princess Diaries.
02.00 Poked Luke back again. Hahaha.
02.05 Bed. Has been a tiring day.
03:00 Dreamt about being a fish.
“I’ve only ever met Dyson in unusual

circumstances” - Alan Sheppard
On The Panel: Adam Rowlands, Sarah Archibald, Lee Speak-
man, Laura Daykin
Laura: Hi Theo. First of all, why do you want to be a fresher’s

helper?
Theo: Good question Laura. In fresher’s week I noticed that 2nd and
3rd years were swooping in and getting all the action, mostly from
drunk and naive freshers who at the time had no idea how much
they’d regret it. So I’m hoping my position of responsibility will up
my pulling power, like it did for most of the male helpers last year.
Adam: Here’s a welfare scenario - you’re on the Newcastle trip and
a girl comes to you crying because she’s cheated on her boyfriend at
home. What would you do?
Theo: Wait a second, so she’s already cheated on him? What’s the
problem? Is she drunk yet? I’d buy her a drink to make her feel com-
fortable, and just see how it went from there. Just because she’s
pulled already it doesn’t mean she’s easy, and you can’t rush these
things!
Lee: How much do you think it’s suitable for helpers to drink during
fresher’s week?
Theo: Definitely not more than a pint. But I think you can give them
some responsibility in choosing which spirit.
Laura: Ok Theo, one last question: How would you sum up your
time at Grey?
Theo: Well Laura, I feel that ties in with why I want to be a fresher’s
helper. I consider my time to have been rather quiet, I mean I’ve not
even attended a college event since first term. I’d definitely like to
raise my profile and get to know some of the freshers with a view to
building lasting relationships of at least 3 hours.
Unfortunately, Theo was unsuccessful in his quest to become a

fresher helper, better luck next year!
Wanted
For sexual harassment
This person has been seen/felt making

passes at a large number of people,
mostly unsuspecting males. If you see
this person, please alert the authorities
(or the LGBTA). He is considered pervey
in the extreme.
DO NOT APPROACH THIS PERSON
(unlessyoulikethatsortofthing)
Dear Editor
Can we please soundproof all bedrooms and shower-rooms.
I don’t like people hearing everything I do.
Jenny Perrum
What have you been up to, then?
Dear Editor
The exec seem to be getting shorter and shorter. What’s
going on?
Puzzled, Hallgarth Street
Must be something in the water, I suppose.
Dear Editor
Can I check that abstention means “not yes but not
necessarily no”.
Chaplain
That’s right, Davey boy!
Dear Editor
Could you please lend me a fiver. I’m down to my last case
of wine and can’t afford another island home.
Impoverished Art Dealer
I think not.
Dear Editor
Am I going to get away with being the first ginger tosser to
be JCR president without it being mentioned in GM?
Ginger tosser, Flat 4
Almost Dave. Almost.
Coming
soon!

Grey Matter Easter 2006

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Grey Matter Easter 2006

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Pimp my college, bitch!

Hello, my little chickadees!

Welcome to my final Grey Matter. It’s been

This term’s effort has been truly monumental. That

To my sub-editors: Mike & Liam - thanks for the

I’m now leaving the country. So farewell, and sleep

*Hugs & Kisses*

Annual AUT picnic described as being “short of

Last term’s edition of Grey Matter spotted near

Dave & Seb’s end-of-exam ego trip to become

Cheerleaders demand £1037.12 for saucers of

Small blonde hamster seen scurrying behind bar

Tim Stohr to be Germany’s next Eurovision entry

Idea to replace coaches with sardine tins hailed

On Jully 7th, Gray Colleg hostz the most hottly con-

Round 1: Medical terminology

Round 2: Botanical names

Round 3: Nursery Rhymes

1. Bring along a large number of girls in short skirts.

5. Get an audience with the exec – preferably with some of

“I’ve given one girl gonorrhoea and one girl syphilis”

Specific proposals include:

Mak: If a female wore a skin tight low cut top, short

Mak: Maybe I will finish this degree and become a

Mak: Smoking is wrong, but it doesn’t stop me doing it

“I normally do worse things to my sister at home” - Kirk Waite

In a renewed effort to bolster staff-student relations,

This neat little thing is perfect for long

Here’s one to tickle your fancy. It’s

Hand-crafted by our very own Big

Roving GM reporter, Bianca Belby, here

08.00 Woke up. Early start. Good. Showered. Turn

“I’ve only ever met Dyson in unusual

Laura: Hi Theo. First of all, why do you want to be a fresher’s

Unfortunately, Theo was unsuccessful in his quest to become a

This person has been seen/felt making

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Hugs & Kisses