HENRY DYSON

JOINS THE
OPULENT
...and welcome to Grey Matter!! ! £5.50 FESTIVITIES
GREY COLLEGE HOSTS INFORMAL BALL

MARTYN
CHAMBERLAIN
CELEBRATES THE
SUCCESS OF HIS
LAVISH COLLEGE
FEAST

A NIGHT ON THE TOWN WITH

GLAMOROUS WEBSITE EDITOR
HENRI COOK
STEFFAN MESSENGER: THE
WELSHMAN ROCKS OUT IN HIS
PALATIAL GILESGATE HOME
 Welcome to
Grey Matter
Editorial!

Hi guys, welcome to the Michaelmas 2006

issue of Grey Matter!
Wow, what an honour to be editing such
an illustrious publication, to be following in
the footsteps of such luminaries as Grant Mike Coxon and Liam Don bask in glory

Martin, Lee Speakman, Andy Farley and

Simon Meadows. Scratch that last one
News In Briefs
actually.
Removing cheese ‘Final Solution’ in
The two of us like to get pretty wordy, and sanitising Winter Wonderland.
if you don’t like it, fuck off. We’re the best
Massive vomit bill at Informal Ball
thing that ever happened to this two-bit
linked to “severe Lactose
rag, and don’t you forget it. Intolerance”.

We’d like to thank each other, a few of Tim Spear removes shirt at formal.
those listed below, and all of college for
providing such wonderful characters to Dead hooker found in Pennington.
take the piss out of. Like you, Chamberlain. “College Banter” blamed.

& M i ke Cheerleaders get norks out. Nothing

Liam p.s. Enj

oy!
new.

And introducing our illustrious sub-editors:

Lee Iain Dave Ben Malcolm Mark Katie Peter Jon
Williamson Haywood Williams Haytack Simms Hosking Logan Holland Forman

Wrote Wrote Wrote Wrote Wrote Wrote Wrote Wrote Wrote

A Bit 1 Page 1 Page Nothing Nothing 1 Page Nothing 3 Pages Nothing
Not Even 1 Published
Ratified
 PAGE 3
Lucy, 19, from London

I think that this

residence charge
rise is terrible.
Lee Speakman needs
to !rise to the occasion"
and stop it for me!

LOOK! WE!RE BACK TO A4 SIZE!

But that doesn"t mean we"re going to write anything in this space.
 G R E Y M A T T E R R E V U E

INFORMAL
BALL

NIGEL BROOK BOUNCES BACK

“They all laughed at Christopher Columbus, when he said the world was round.
They all laughed when Edison recorded sound.
They all laughed at me after the beach bop.
Well who’s laughing now you cunts?”

— Nigel Brook

They say all publicity is good
publicity, but for the self-
proclaimed crown prince of
“party hard”, nothing could
be further from the truth.
Ever since he appeared as
Grey College’s diminutive
dispenser of evening events,
Nigel Brook has faced more
than his fair share of criticism. trademark modesty is
But like Dennis Hopper in the
film ‘Easy Rider’, Nigel has
ridden his trusty bop bike
through the deserts of
expectation, leaving only a
dusty trail of success in the
faces of his detractors.
Against all odds, the informal So there you have it. The
ball has garnered positive informal ball was bloody
reviews from around college, great, and a good time was
being described variously as had by all.
“a tour de force of party fun”,
But this reporter can’t help
“a whirlwind of decadent
but think that perhaps Nigel
delight” and “not shit”.
is getting a little too big for
Nigel takes these comments his size 4 boots.
in his stride, but strangely his
When pushed on whether he
was going to re-stand for his
nowhere to be seen.
position Nigel remained
“Anyone who says they tight-lipped:
didn’t like the informal ball is “Let’s just say the quiet man
either a liar or a cunt” opines is here to stay, and he’s
Nigel. turning up the volume!”

A bartender drank a bottle of apple juice. Why was he sad? (the answer is towards the back)!
 Advertisement Feature

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Website sub-editor working on the go! Nick Harkin and Henri Cook log on!

Following the success of the naked cheerleading calendar, the Grey Website
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the Website Team Naked Calendar!

With some of the highest community spirit ratings in college, the Just
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 aff chemistry intensify, we ask...
As rumors of inter-st

Pete the Porter and Jean

Tony Cleaver and Elspeth

TV Psychologist Dr. Linda Papadopoulos

says:

I think these pictures

are so interesting
because they really
give an insight into
our human
relationships - both
sexually and with
our children.

Martyn Chamberlain and Julie Bushby

GREYMATTER Michaelmas 2006
Don’t Cry For Me GCBC
An Interview With Ed Garret
By Johnson T. Bailey
Grey Matter: Ed a quick word?
Edd “the duck” Garrett: Fuck off
GM: Is it true you!re selling three entry level
boats in order to buy
the single scull you were “harshly denied” by
democracy?
EG: Fuck off
GM: Is it true you are now flaunting JCR
policy and only letting public
schooled arseholes into the boat club?
EG: No, any old arsehole
GM: Are rumours substantiated that other
colleges have started chanting
“where!s your boat club gone?”
EG: Yes but I assumed that was because we
were so fast
“How much of a fuck do you think I give?
I’m the captain of this ship.
You can fuck right off.
I’m Ed Garret, who the fuck are you?”
Ed Garret
GM: Is it true that you ran a blue peter style
appeal for photos on
your website due to inactivity?
EG: Yes
GM: Is it true that Sean “cock” Young is still
listed as rowing in the
first 8 when he has now chosen to swim
rather than be in a boat with you?
EG: Yes
GM: So what has the boat club done since
the “Champion” era?
EG: Nothing……….Oh no Nigel arranged a
super social, we went to 24!s.
GM: Is that an oar up your arse?
EG: NO ITS CALLED A BLADE.
 THE DURHAM UNION SOCIETY

Fresher Debate!!
“This House would kiss a man to watch two girls pull”

Proposition: Opposition:

Todd: Joe Cookson:

“If people are gay back in
“………………” Yorkshire, we normally
just stone them”

30th February 2007 8:30 in the Chamber on Palace Green Loser’s Only
2016:
Where Are They Now?

Part 1: Jim and Buttcheeks

Graduating was a bit of a shock for Dan ‘Buttcheeks’ Tresman. The world seemed like
a big and scary place, with lots of confusing sounds and colours.
Jim coped better, and before long he had a job in the public sector, as a care worker.
Imagine his surprise when his first ‘case’ turned out to be none other than Dan, who
was finding it increasingly hard to get a job, or even function as a normal member of
society.
Jim didn’t mind much, he had missed Dan since uni. And Dan? Dan was just glad to
have someone there to brush his teeth and trim his body hair.
These days Dan lives in a council flat in Romford, and Jim is round most days.
Sometimes they go shopping together in the local Lidl, although Jim finds it very
tiring. Dan always insists on riding in the trolly, and insists that they only buy jam and
Wheetos. One time, the security guard found a jelly-chunk smeared Dan in the pet
food aisle, an incident which got Jim in trouble with his boss.
Dan tells Jim that he hopes to get a job soon, and Jim is very supportive.
Jim is going to be promoted to district care manager soon, but he hasn’t told Dan yet.
Grey Matter are proud to reintroduce...
The once infamous...

SLAG CHART

Disclaimer: this chart is based on pure rumor and

third party accounts and should as such not be
taken seriously by anyone.
 David William Round David William Round
For Liver!s Out Rep For Male Welfare

Hi! I!m David Round! Hi! I!m David Round!

I!m a first year engineer from I!m a first year engineer from
Jakarta and I think I!d be perfect for Jakarta and I think I!d be perfect for
the role of Liver!s Out Rep. the role of Male Rep.

I can think of lots of great reasons why I would make a I can think of lots of great reasons why I would make a
good Liver!s Out Rep. good Male Welfare Rep.

• I!m not afraid to live out • I!m not afraid to be well fair
• I!m here to represent your views • I!m here to represent your VDs
• I will live out for nearly a whole year • I understand men
• I went to an international school in Jakarta • I went to an international school in Jakarta

Vote for me please Don!t be a square vote round please

Proposed By: Seconded By: Proposed By: Seconded By:

Emily Okwe-Pearson Lee Williamson Maz Farookhi Mark Hosking Emily Okwe-Pearson Mark Hosking
Maz Farookhi Lee Williamson
Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper
Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper

David William Round David William Round

For social Secretary For Ball Chair Rep
Hi! I!m David Round! Hi! I!m David Round!
I!m a sociable engineer from I!m from Jakarta!!!!1
Jakarta and I think I!d be perfect for
the role of a social Secretary

I can think of lots of great reasons why I would make a I can think of so many reasons why I!d be a good ball
good Secretary. chair rep
• I!m not afraid to go to socials with you • I!m not afraid to stand up for your ball chair
• I!ve worked in a secretarial role before • I went to an international school in Jakarta
• I enjoyed the army bop • It!ll be a ball!!
• I went to an international school in Jakarta

I like parties too vote for david round please If you!ve seen me a”Round”, why not vote for me for ball
chair please

Proposed By: Seconded By: Proposed By: Seconded By:

Lee Williamson Emily Okwe-Pearson Maz Farookhi Lee Williamson Mark Hosking Emily Okwe-Pearson Maz Farookhi
Mark Hosking
Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper
Fresher!s Helper
 TRAGEDY: Since the CU strike
began, every one of these Stick It To The Man!
children has become a gay.

5 Ways to Piss Off The

College Pencil-Pushers
1. Mess Up Your Room
Pissing in your sink is so last year -
even the girls are at it now.
This year, to be a true revolutionary
you need to throw your caution to the
wind, and shit in your bin.

2. Order Some Pizza

A bad year in the vineyards has left
the Master’s bank balance a little
slim, which explains why the Master’s
Feast had the culinary delicacy of a
pair of flaps. Express your
disappointment by having Dominos
delivered to the next formal!

3. Entertain The Old Boys

Christian Union Strike Hits Grey College Where it Hurts You may have noticed that the
primary motivation behind everything
The Christian Union yesterday announced plans to strike, following years College does is money. That’s why
of largely unsuccesful negotiation with God. Unlike normal Christians, there’s always rich and generous old
Unionists believe that everyone, now matter how good, is damned to hell people hanging about. Sneak into
the SCR and regale the guests with
unless they accept Jesus and follow the rules laid down in their Christian
tales about your sex life and the time
handbook, the Bible. This means that CU members are forced to pray daily, you shat in your bin. They won’t be
sing folky songs together, attend frisbee practice three times a week and back.
abstain from sexual relations except during periods of marriage.
“Frankly, it’s a pretty shitty deal and we’ve had enough of it” fumed an 4. Flout Fire Regulations
Everyone hates fire drills. Try
unnamed CU source.
removing the alarm in your room,
The Union provides Grey with a number of services; weekly prayathons, then leave the building wearing only
regular debates such as the recent “Would Jesus Forgive Those Who Believe your boxers and a Moroccan shawl,
In Evolution?”, and informational services on topics such as birth control and then stash the alarm in a bush and
sexuality. deny everything. Note: you may be
fined £100.
Just a few days into the CU strike, college attitudes were described as
noticeably more liberal, a fact which has not gone unnoticed by prominent 5. Get Lots of Post
fresher conservative Joe Cookson: Sign up for loads of junk mail -
“This is outrageous” spluttered Joe, his ample cheeks puffing in everyone will remember you for
indignation. years after you leave as a new letter
arrives every day and never gets
“Without a CU presence, we are leaving ourselves vulnerable to attack
collected.
from dangerous homosexuals and deviants”.
Joe later added: “England for the English, it’s just common sense”, before
goose-stepping back to his lonely college room to manipulate himself to the
DRINKERS CORNER
point of discharge over a laminated photo of a young Michael Howard.
A senior figure in the CU admitted that homosexual deviance would be
going unchecked during the strike.
“We had planned a ‘Pray Away The Gay Day’ for this wednesday” said
the source.
“That won’t be going ahead, and we accept that this is a cause for
concern, which is why we’re hoping for a resolution as soon as possible - all
we really need is a sign from God”.
Christian head honcho God Christ, notoriously hard to reach, was
predictably unavailable for comment at the time of going to press. The strike
continues.
VOMIT: “Two Swigs Sparrow” and
“One Pint Pinch”, seen here after first
cup of punch at Winter Wonderland.
 Senior Common Debauchery?
GREYMATTER Michaelmas 2006
SCR initiation blown wide open!
By Liam Don and Michael Coxon
“That’ll teach you to drink my port!”
bellowed Henry as he stuffed yet another
quail egg into the squirming tutor’s
mouth.
Peering through the gaps in the door
of the SCR port cabinet, we gasped at the
events unfolding before our very eyes.
Initiation, long the preserve of rugby
teams and secret societies, had arrived at
the Pennington suite, and tonight coffee
and cigars were most definitely not on the
menu.
Things had kicked off an hour earlier,
when the new recruits arrived from their
naked run up from the New Inn.
Waiting for them at the top was Vice
Master Tony Cleaver, wearing only his
trademark waistcoat and a sadistic grin.
“Single file, close march” cackled
Cleaver, as the SCR hopefuls waddled
front-to-tail into the Pennington suite.
Closing up the rear were Tony’s fellow
initiators: Martyn ‘The Racket’
Chamberlain, Ian ‘The Prez’ Stone and
Henry ‘No Loss of Suction’ Dyson, all
rubbing their hands with unbridled glee.
Left:
Martyn Chamberlain
administers yet
another blow with his
racket.
Right:
Our reporter is
rumbled by the SCR
and subjected to a
beasting
“Sure, I enjoy a drink now and then,
maybe a smoke, and yes, I have
enjoyed the company of many
beautiful women. Does that make me
a bad Master? Does it fuck!”
Martyn Chamberlain - Master
In the centre of the room sat a leather
dentists chair, with hand shackles and foot
straps.
We watched in horror, as tutor after
prospective tutor was sat in the chair and
forced to down an entire bottle of port
mixed with raw egg and crushed
Weetabix Wheetos.
“Please... No more...” gasped one
hapless tutor as a second bottle was
produced.
“Not for you... For me!” slurred
Chamberlain, his years of drinking
experience clear as he slurped down the
entire bottle in a matter of seconds.
Smashing down the bottle, Martyn
produced a well-worn tennis racket.
And with that, subject after subject
was forced to undergo a brutal racketing.
“Game, Set and Match” laughed
Martyn.
Shaken to the core of his very
being, Mike decided to make a
break for it.
Springing out of the port
cabinet, he bravely dashed across
the room and to the exit.
Mike’s clumsy exit left Liam
fully exposed, and in within
eyeshot of a furious Ian Stone.
The rest of Liam’s night has
been obscured in his mind by
port and psychological
repression, and sadly he will
never enjoy Wimbledon again.
We decided that this shocking
story could not pass by without a
comment from the very top.
Unfortunately, Mr. Chamberlain
proved to be very uncooperative.
“What the fuck? Initiation?!
Get out of my office!” spat
Chamberlain.
Disheartened, we decided
that perhaps struggling art dealer
Henry Dyson might provide us
with answers.
Cosied up in the bar with a
few bottles of wine, Dyson
proved to be very forthcoming.
“It all started about 10 years
ago, and it’s become something
of a institution” chuckled Henry.
“The trouble is, money’s been
tight these past few years, and it’s
Shocking
Just some of the items used on
the night.
“I’m the Vice-Master.
The Master of fucking
Vice, yeah?
Now you tell me that ain’t
a fucking job title”
Tony Cleaver
not just Chamberlain’s gay little
feast which has been hit.” Random Photos
Grey At It’s Finest
After being offered more
wine, Henry elaborated further:
“No-one was willing to tone
down the initiation, so we’ve had
to cut down in other areas. That
means lino on the SCR floor, and
Tesco value toilet paper.”
“Believe me, no-one misses Grey Rugby Enjoy Sauna
the Charmin more than I do”
he added mournfully.
We pushed Henry further
over what we considered to be a
brutal and barbaric form of fun.
“Smelly banter Mike, very
smelly banter” smirked Henry,
with a playfully dismissive hand
gesture.
We left the bar puzzled. What
Lucy ‘Heaven’ Reid Enjoys Bed
had seemed savage and inhuman
was being described as just a bit
of fun. Not a single tutor was
willing to speak to us, and only
the lubrication of a few bottles of
wine had loosened Henry’s lips.
We were left to ponder the
words we had heard Cleaver
crow the previous night: Lee Williamson Enjoys Man Arse
“Bring out the ping-pong balls!”
Overdue L i brar y L oan s
Note: Students cannot g raduate or pass exams at end of year until
fines are paid in full!

Lee Speakman:
The Bill Clinton guide to using power to influence women
‘Where Caesar went wrong’: Holding on to power, for ever, and ever, and ever.
Overdue since March.

Ben Haytack:
The 7 habits of highly effective people
4 weeks overdue from short term loans (£672 fine)

Richard Crowther: 1001 Quotes to Amaze your Friends and Family

Eley Haslam:
How to behave more ladylike
Pygmalion
The science of bad smells.
Having a shower,
A couple of weeks overdue

“Tanga” Tom Tomlinson:

Puberty Unplugged
About 8 years overdue
PLEASE PAY IMMEDIATELY! Please! In fact, we don’t even care about the fine; just give it
back to the library!

DAMAGE TO BOOKS:
(Important note: You are SCUM!)

Gareth Howells:
Jurassic Park: The book of the film.
Damage to page 161 where Samuel L. Jackson says ‘I can’t get Jurassic Park back online without
Dennis Nedry.’ ‘Dennis Nedry’ has been crossed out in red biro, and had ‘Gareth Howells’ written
just above.
Replacement fee: £8.99

Matt Knight:
Margret Thatcher; A biography
Numerous pages stuck together somehow.
Replacement fee: £15.99
GREY GIRLS GO WILD
Splash Created as Public Urination Reaches Record Levels

Left: Katy Morrison in a rare

moment on porcelain

Right: Our photographer

catches Andrea Cullen by the
college bins

First it was the toilets, then it was the sinks, now Grey girls are stopping at nothing to
relieve themselves whenever the mood takes them.
Grey Matter has learned that public urination amongst female students has reached
epic proportions, unprecedented since records began.

Miss Grey also-ran Andrea Cullen, who recently spent a penny in the queue for
Loveshack, and once pissed in a crisp packet in 24, had this to say:
“Aye pet, it were a reet canny piss like, it’s about time us lasses got to paint the town
yellow!”

Serial offender Katy Morrison yesterday denied claims that she had extended her
repertoire of public depravity to include the scatological.
“I’ll piss on your doorstep quicker than you can say ‘cystitis’, but I’d never take a social
shit – a girls got standards.”

Tori Pendlebury - thought by many to be an unlikely public pisser - piped up, her shrill
voice braying over the chatter of the lunch queue;
“I’d say I was more of a social pisser, I’ll do it if I need to or if Sam [Williams] is doing
it.”

However, the tidal wave of feminine liberation was met square on by once notable
economic bullshitter Matt Knight. “It’s outrageous” spluttered Matt, his wiry frame
shaking in exasperation, “This is clearly just another symptom of the fluffy brand of PR
welfare bandied about by the pencil pushers down at Old Shire Hall.”
When pressed further, Matt added “Is this going to be published? I hope so!” before
retiring to the IT room to load his pen drive with 512Mb of Romanian scat porn.

A quick straw poll around the Grey Matter office revealed that the only woman on the
team had also partaken in the occasional floor spiller.
Bursar Karen Blundell was also very forthcoming – with information – and confessed
“Yes, I did do some of that back in college”.

But when we approached Martyn Chamberlain for comment, he had this to say –
“What the fuck are you talking about? Piss!? Get out of my office!”

Answer: Because it was actually piss

 Parish News from the Chaplain
Whas’ crackin’ G’s, its your homie David Kennedy, or as I’d
like to be known from now on, D-Ken.
So, here is my forum to bring the Fountains Hall chaplaincy
to the masses, and, just like my man Moses, part the red sea
of apathy. So in an effort to modernise and attract new
students to the totally dope message of Jesus, I have
proposed a number of changes:
WINTER WONDERLAND OF JEEZ
What we need is a college-wide event that can bring together the whole college
under the main man, J-to-the-Cizzle. Basically everyone brings a choice morsel
of the Bible, gets wasted on holy wine, and anyone who happens to go to
hospital after being bet a Lambourgini that he couldn’t down a pint of vodka, can
repent and become a disciple of JC.
GREY MATTER “CONFESSIONAL”
A splinter magazine, satirising the Bible stories, in an attempt to make things a bit
more relevant. Articles include a piece on how the plague of locusts was just
college banter with Hatfield that went a bit too far.
OPEN DISCUSSION
People are concerned with how university Christian Unions appear
indoctrinated. I want to prove to everybody that Grey is not at all
indoctrinated. I propose that we debate the “hot” topics of abortion and gay
marriage. If you decide however, that killing a baby is ok and that the gays have
“rights” under God, you won’t be invited back.
So, let me know whether I’ve hit the right note. Also, look out for my new
purple radio show, “DK’s Bible Break Beat” – a heady mix of banging tunes and
scripture. And don’t forget, Christian Union Next Tuesday.

Peace,

DK
 Letters To The Editors
Dear Editors,
By the way, is it actually ok with you guys if I come back to Grey?
Butler 2nd Year
Nein Tim, piss off

Dear Editors,
Did you like my hilarious reappearance at the JCR meeting?
Smeadows
Classic, as ever.

Dear Editors,
Aye yee fookin’ barsderd English. Reet sumin aboot Scotland!
1st Year Kilt Botherer
OK Dougie, it’s shit.

Dear Editors,
Why do you recycle the same old ‘pint of vodka’ jokes every issue?
Faul Purley
We’re just jealous. And shouldn’t you be behind the bar?

Dear Editors,
Did I really piss in the street?
Tori Pendlebury
No, we made it up. It was a complete lie. Sorry.

Dear Editors,
What’s this? “Grey Matter”!? Why the fuck is this pile of fucking
horse shit in my office?!!
Silver Fox, Grey College
Sorry Martyn. We’ll have the whiskey sent for immediately.

Disclaimer: Quite a lot of this publication is misquoted, made up or just bollocks.

If you feel offended, don!t worry, it!s probably not true. But some of it is. Mmmmm...
FUN POLICE

The end of a cheesy insitution:

Charlotte “Trigs” Tregunna and Lee “Spack” Speakman ruin Christmas