Reality

Theveryfirstthingicanrememberisofmybrotherstoneandigettingupinthe
mornings.Hewassixandiwasfour.Whenthelightwouldjuststarttofilterthroughthe
windowsofourverycompactapartmentstonewouldgivemealittleshake.Myeyes
wouldopenandiwouldseehissmilingwornfacelookingatme.Eventhoughhewas
onlytwoyearsolderthani,helookedaboutteninsteadofsix.Hisblondehairwascut
intoamulletsadly,andhishazeleyesseemedtoalwaysbesoinviting.Mynormal
morningroutinewouldbetogetup,eatbreakfastalsoknownascoldcerealmadeby
Stone,andthenidbeonthebusheadedtoschool,sometimeswithalunch,sometimes
not.Formethatsjusthowlifewasitdidntseemstrangethatmymotherwouldsleepin
untilaboutfiveintheeveningandhaveabottleofwhiskeywithherbreakfast.
Forthelongesttimethat'showiassumedlifewas.Butwheniwasabouttoturn
foureverythingchanged.Myfathertookmeawayfrommymother,becauseasheputit
sheissickArizona.ididntunderstandwhathemeantbythat.didshehavethe
flu?wasshegonnagetbetter?iwasafraid,wherewasmymother?somepeoplemay
seethisastragic,buttomeitsjustanotherpartofmylife.
IwenttolivewithmyfatherandMarionmygodmother.Marionwasan
olderladyaboutfiftysix,shewasfivefoottwoandhadshinygrayshorthair.Butalotof
peoplefearedher.ShewasabartenderatAbiesbardowntown.TheylivedinEaton
Rapidsjustlikemygrandparents.Itwasamediumsizedhouse,myroomwaswhitebut
ihadtonsoftoys.iwasveryspoiled.mostnightsiwouldrefusetosleepinmy
bedroom,therewassomethingeeryaboutitandididntwanttostickaroundtofindout

inthemiddleofthenight.Butyetistillfeltasifsomethingweremissing.Sometimesi
wouldgettoseemymother,butothertimesiwouldntseeherforsolongialmost
forgotwhatherfacewouldlooklike.Sometimesiwouldsitaroundandwonderwhat
shewasdoing,wasshewithaman,orwithgrandmaJeannie?Didsheforgetabout
me?Didsheevencareaboutmeanymore?Icouldneversleepalone,becauseifiwas
aloneiwouldbescaredandcry.Iwassousedtobeingleft.
Mymotherwouldcomehomedrunktothepointthatshewouldntrecognizeus.
Onetimeicannotforget.Shecamehomeandallicouldsmellwaswhiskeyonher
breath.Sheyelled
Ineedtousethebathroom!Istaredatherassheheadedtowardsthecloset.
No!stoneandiyelledastheopenedtheoldwoodendoorthatlefttothetiny
closet.Shelookedatusbutdidntseemtorecognizewhatweweresaying.Stoneran
uptoherandtriedtopullhertowardsthebathroombutshewouldntbudge.Eventually
weweretiredandlethergointothebathroomandputherfecesintoashoppingbag.I
laughedthenextmorningaboutitnotrealizingthatothersparentswerentlikethat.
Whenibroughtitupwhenstoneandiwereoldersheyelledatmeandtoldmenotto
bringitupagain.Myonlythoughtswerewellthenmaybeyoushouldactlikea
responsibleadultandyouwouldhavenothingtobeembarrassedof.
Astimeprogressedandigotolder,Marionandmyfatherbrokeup.Forawhilei
stilllivedwithher.Imissedmyfatherandalsowonderedwherehewas.waseveryone
goingtoabandonme?Onedayirememberwheniwasvisitingmymothershelooked
atmeandoutoftheblueshesaid

Doyoulikeitatyourgrandparents?
yesirespondedthinkingnothingofit,becauseofcourseiwasachild.Butit
wasreallyforeshadowingforthefuture.
Eventuallymygrandparentscouldntstandmebeingmovedaroundasmuchasi
wassotheyaskedforcustody.Atfirstiwasntsurehowiwasgoingtofeelaboutliving
withmygrandparents,butigrewveryfondofthem.theywereliketheparentsinever
had.Istillgottoseemymother,andiwouldvisitmyfathersometimestoo.Hewas
datingaladyandhernameisCarrie.Sometimesiwouldstaythenightattheir
apartment,butididntlikeitmuch.
MygrandmaJudywouldnevertellwhenmymomwascomingtovisitmeor
comegetmebecausesometimesshewouldnevershowup.Atonepointwhenwewere
speakingonthephoneshehadmentionedhowshewishedshecouldjustmakeme
comethroughthephonetobewithher.Butwasthatreallywhatshewanted?The
alcoholishergreatestweaknessandilearnedthatfromayoungage.Butusuallyi
woulddenyitbecauseshewoulddenyit.Nowtotherealstory.
Itallstartswheniwasthirteen.Thedayiturnedthirteenwasaprilninth.Iwas
walkingdowntheroadtotheparkafterleavingmymothers,sinceshenowlivedin
Erapalso.Asiwaswalkingicaughtaglimpseofagorgeousboy.Ihadtothinkofa
planandthinkofonequick!soiwalkeduptohisdogandgaveitagoodpat.
youvegotacutedogisaidstaringattheblondehairedboyinfrontofme.
thankshesaidsmilingatmeandmybestfriendKatelyn.

ImArizona,butyoucancallmeArieforshort,andthisisKatelynIsaid
reachingoutmyhand.HeshookitandtoldmehisnamewasKalebandthatthiswas
hisgrandmashouse.Icouldtellthathetookalikingtomyfriendkatelynbecausehe
couldntseemtokeephiseyesoffofher.Katelynwasthequiettypethen,soshejust
observed.
Astimerolledon,summercame.IbecamegoodfriendswithKalebandallofhis
friends.Everythingseemednormalinmyhouseforawhile.Whenmymothergotmad
insteadofdrinkingshewouldgoforawalk.Stonelivedtherealsosoigottoseehimon
andoff,whichwasnicewhenhewasntbeingateenagelunatic.
Ididsomethingsthatsummerthatwerentquiteright,butthat'sbecauseitwas
thefirsttimeihadmymotherlookingoutforme,thewayineededtobelookedoutfor.
Shewasntdrinkingordoingdrugs,shewasfinallybeingamotherandnotateenage
adult.Imsureigaveherafewgrayhairsthatsummerwithalltheshenanigansandthe
situationsigotmyselfinto.IhadmybestfriendsCarleeandKatelyntostandbesideme
often.Carleewasdogooder,shedidherhomework,shelistenedandshenever
intermingledwithboysintheromanticway.Shewasalittlechunky,butquitebeautiful.
Herlongbrownhairreachedjustpasthercollarbone.Katelynwasfivefootsevenand
maybeahundredpounds.Shewasthefirstgirlihadeverkissed.itwasjustplayfuland
jokinglybutitsparkedsomethinginmefrommychest.Atthetimeiprettymuchignored
thefeeling.
Moretimesthannotshewastheoneiwasgettingintotroublewith.Onetimein
particularreallystandsouttome.Shewasfourteenandiwasthirteenandsummerhad

beengoingonforawhilenow.Mymotherwasbusycleaningsomethingoranother,so
wedecidedtogooutsideandtalktotheboysthatmymotherhadbannedusfrom
talkingto.TheirnameswereTravisandJosh.CarleehadalwayshadathingforTravis
eversinceshemethim,andilikedJosheventhoughhewasoneofmyfriends
boyfriendsatthetime.
hey,youguyswannagochillatthepark?Joshhadaskedusingthatraspytone
ofhis.Iblushedatthequestion,notsurehowtoexactlyanswer.Wasitagoodidea?
probablynot.Butiagreedtogoanyway.Asnonchalantlyaswecouldwewentand
askedmymotherifwecouldgotothelocalparkforacoupleofhours.Icouldtellshe
justassumedwewereboredandwantedsomethingtodo.
surejustbebackbysixshehadsaidsmilingatus.Carleeandilooked
ateachotherwithexcitementasweheadedoutthedoor.theboyhadalreadyleft
becausetheyknewitwouldseemfishyiftheywerewaitingaroundforusoutside.
Quicklywemadeourwaytowardstheoldwoodenplayground,thethoughtsofboysand
kissingfillingourheads.
Whenwefinallyreachedourdestination,welookedaroundfortheboysfor
minutebeforetheirheadspoppedoutbythetowers.CarleewasdatingTraviswhowas
eighteenatthetime,soshejustwentupandkissedhim.Iwasmoreshybutnottooshy
soigaveJoshashyhug.Ididntfeeltoobadaboutflirtingwithmyfriendsboyfriend
becauseshehadattemptedtotakemineamonthorsoback.Afterawhilewesplitinto
twoseparatecouplesandisatonJoshslapandtalkedwithhimaboutsomenonsense
whilecarleemadeoutwithTravisunderneathsomewoodentower.

Eventuallyafewhourswentbysoweknewweweregonnahavetotakeoff
soon.
Bouttimetagodontchathink?IaskedCarleelookingtowardsthetower.She
emergedsilentlystillholdingTravisshandwithastrangesmirkonherface.Ididntask
becauseiwassurethatididntwanttoknow.Aswemadeourway,ifeltatinglyexcited
feelinginmychest.Iwasbeingdisobedient.Theadrenalineincreasedasireached
almosttheendofthebridgewhenJoshgrabbedmyhandandgavemeakissonthe
lips.itwassounexpectedthatijuststoodthereforasecondbeforekissinghimback,
whatevermoralsihadatfirsthaddisappearedthesecondhislipstouchedmine.
Whenipulledbackiheardagasp.Myheadturnedtowardsthedirectionwe
werewalkingandtherestoodmymother.Icouldtellfromthewayshewasstanding
andhowherfistswereclenchedthatshewasflaming.
ArizonaHopeCarrigan!shescreamedpointingatme.Myadrenalinewasat
onehundredpercentnowasiwalkedtowardsher.Manyinappropriatewordscameout
ofhermouth,theentirewalkhome.Icouldtellshewasdisappointed,butididntcare
toomuch.Imeansheleftmesowhyshouldicare?shedrankandmadeitsomylife
couldntbenormal.Asitrudgedhomeafterher,ifelttheangerswellupinsideofme.
Howcouldshedisciplinedme?shesbackforayearortwoofmylifeandnowthinks
shecanruleit?
Thedoorslammedagainstthedoorframesohardiwassurethatitwasgoingto
falloffofitshinges.

howdareyoulietomelikethat!sheyelledlookingatmeasifihadmurdered
ourcatorsomething.Isaidnothing,ijustlookedather,ihadnoremorse.Aftera
minuteortwoshejustsentmetomyroom.whereipretendedtobesorry.Carleesat
therewithme,wesaidnothingforalongtime.Finallyicouldtellshegotupthenerveto
askthequestionwewerebothwondering
Howmuchtroubledoyouthinkwearein?
Imnotsure,IdoubtshesthatmadIsaidemphasizingthat.
Turnsoutiwasgroundedfortherestoftheday.OhNo!Anotherfunnyyet
horriblethingwedidwasmuchlaterinthesummer,aboutaugust.Itwashot,Imnot
talkinglikeohitsninetydegreeshot,butlikeninetydegreeswithhumidityhot.Carlee,
Danielle,Kaylaandiallsatoutsideonthefrontporchtryingtonotmovetoofastforthe
fearofsweatingtodeath.Theboyswerevisitingusandalllookedlikesweatypigs.
Kaleb,Cody,VirgilandTravisallsatnearusspeakingaboutalcohol,becausethey
thoughtitwasjusttheneatestthingtohaveeverbeencreated.Aftertheconversation
hadrunitscycleoneofthempoppedupanidea.Howaboutweallgojumpintothe
grandriversinceKalebsgrandmasisrightontheedgeofit.Iknewmymotherwouldnt
approve.Soididntask.IjusttoldherweweregoingtoKalebs.
Theheatwasseriouslyfryingus.Atfirstwejuststuckourfeetin,notpayingtoo
muchattentiontohowdirtyitwas.ButwedidntstaylikethatforlongbecauseKaleb
thoughtitwouldbefunnytopushKaylaintotheriver,whichitwas.Shescreamedright
beforeherheadwasunderneaththewater.WithouthesitationDanielle,Carleeandiall
jumpedinafterher,becausewhenyoureyoungyouronlythoughtsarewhynot?The

waterwasaverysweetreleasefromallofthesweatingandhumidity.Thatsummeris
thehottestsummericanremember.
Afterthatwewouldjustclimbbackupandholdhandsandjumpin.Butonour
tenthortwelfthtimemymothercameoutside.Itplaysinmyheadjustlikeamoviewhen
ithinkaboutusgettingcaught,wewerepreparingourselvestojumpin,wheniheard
mymothersroar.
Girls!whatthehelldoyouthinkyouredoing?Fearstruckmelikeaslaptothe
face.Ilookedatmybestfriends,allthreeofthemandweknewwehadtojumpinone
lasttime,causecmonwewerealreadycaught.Sowedid,weleptintothewaterand
feltitscold,relaxinganddeephandsclutchusonemoretimebeforewehadtogo
meetmydragonofamother.Whenwegotintothehouseshejustyelledabouthow
disappointedshewasandhowoneofuscouldvegottenhurtanditwouldvebeenher
fault.Ipretendtofeelguiltyandapologized.ididntgetgrounded.
Amomentwhenireallyrememberfeelingproudofmymotherwaswhenmy
grandmaJeaniewasover.MygrandmaJeaniewasinherearlysixtiesandshewas
toned.Sheworkedeverydayofherlife.sheisalsoaddictedtopainmeds.Shedecided
thatmymotherneededhelpwiththehouseandcameovertohelp,withoutpermissioni
mustadd.Shebasicallyjustappearedonedayunannounced.Shewouldcleanandeat
icecream.thoseweretheonlytwoactionsireallywitnessedherdoing.Otherthan
smokingofcourse.oftenhersmokewouldfilluptheentirelivingroomandiwouldhave
tomakeaquickexitbeforeitconsumedmealso.Dontgetmewrong,ilovemy

grandmaJeaniebutherhabitshavealwaysdisgustedme.Whywouldsomeone
voluntarilyputthemselvesinharm'swaytolookcoolandsmelllikesmoke?
Onedayiputonmyfavoritebluestripedtop,thatwasabitlowcutand
continuedgettingreadyformydayforteenagerism.Afterihadputmyfaceonand
brushedmyhair,Iwalkedintothekitchenlookingforsomethingtastybutnotnutritious
toeat.Mygrandmajeaniestoodinthekitchenherbackturnedfromme,washingthe
dishesinthesmallsink.ifinallydecidedsometoastwoulddoandstartedmakingit.
Whenshefinallyturnedthefaucetoff,sheturnedtowardsmewhileshedriedher
hands.Iwaspayinglittleattentiontoherandmoretomysmallbreakfast.Asirippedoff
thecrustofthebreadinoticedherscanningmeupanddown.Istoppedwhatiwas
doingandlookedather,waitingforhertocommentonmytop.
YoulooklikeahoeArizonashehadsaidmatteroffactly.Icouldfeelmy
cheeksburning.Howdareshesaysuchathingtome?howrudecansheget?Ididnt
sayinganythingatfirstbecauseifeltthecloginmythroatwherethewordsshouldcome
outandididntwanttocryinfrontofher.Butafterthatpassedilookedupatherwith
furyinmyeyesandsaidintherudesttoneicouldmuster
Idontcare,nowshutupicouldtellthatwasnttheresponseshewasexpecting
ortheoneshewanted,buthonestlyicouldcareless.Iknewwhatwascomingnexti
wasgoingtogetalectureonhowiamadisobedient,careless,ungratefulchild.And
that'swhatigot.thewholetimeihatedher.Iwishedshedjustgobackhome.i
wonderedwhymymotherwouldletthisdevilladyintoourhouse.Eventuallyirantomy
roombecauseifeltthetearswellupinmyeyesandicouldntbarethethoughtofher

seeingandprobablyenjoyingmytears.Afterawhileiheardthefrontdooropenand
shut,iwashopingitwasherleaving.Butiknewthefootstepsinsidethehousealittle
toowell.theyweremymothers.
Shecameintomyroom,likeshedideverytimeafteroneofherwalks.Iknew
shecouldtellsomethingwaswrongbythewayiwasjustthrownonmybed.
whatwronghoney?shehadsaidinthatsympathetictoneofhers.Ididntwant
totellher,becausemaybeshethoughtilookedtrashytoo.butagainstmyteenage
instinctsitoldher.
GrandmaJeaniesaidiwaslookedlikeahoeHersmilewentstraighttoascowl
inlessthanfiveseconds.Icouldtellthisupsether,becauseherfaceturnedredjust
likeminedidwheniwasangry.
whywouldshedothat?sheaskedveryseriouslynow.
BecauseofmyshirtIrespondedsadlylookingdownatthegroundforfearthati
wouldcryagain.
Mom!sheyelledstompingoutofmyroomandslammingthedoorbehindme.
Shewasfurious.IheardgrandmaJeaniefromdownstairsrespond.thenforamomenti
heardnothingbutfootstepswhichimsurewasmygrandmotherclimbingthestairs.
whatAngel?shehadsaidcalmly.
didyouordidyounotcallmydaughterahoe?sheaskedicily.
Ididnot.isaidshelookedlikeahoeJeanieansweredhonestly.
ohcausethatmakesitsomuchbetter!shestartedtoyellagain.anditwenton
likethatforabouthalfanhourbeforeeverythinggotquiet.Suddenlyiheardfootsteps

approachmydoor.thenasmallrasponitswoodensurfacebeforeisawmy
grandmothercomingintoapologize.Ipretendedtoaccepttheapology.Butididnthow
couldijustletsomethinglikethatgo?Thatdayiwassoproudofmymotherfor
defendingmelikeshedid.
Butsometimesmymotherwouldgoabithaywire.Shewoulddothingsoutof
fearformethatwereabitdrastic.Icanrecallonenightitwasatanalltimehigh.Carlee
andiwassittingdowninmybrotherroom,becausehewasnthome.Wedecideditwas
agoodtimetowatchamovie.Soweputoneinandsatdownonmybrotherbed.after
awhilemymomstoppedbytocheckonusandmakesureeverythingwasdandywhich
itwas.Themichiganpaintedbedroomhadbegantorunitscourseasyoucouldtell
withallofthewritingonthewalls.Whenwewereabouthalfwaythroughthemoviemy
mothercameflyinginlikeabatouttahellandyelled
Wherearethey?iknowtheyarehere!Carleeandibothwerequiteconfused
andjuststaredatherquestionably.Shehadacrazylookinhereyeslikearapidanimal.
whereiswho?iaskedlookingather.
theboys!iknowyouvebeenseeingthemlateatnightSheyelledevenmore
angrynow.Wehadbeentalkingtotheboysoutsideourwindowslateatnightbut
tonightwasnotoneofthosenights.
momidontknowwhatyouaretalkingaboutisaidcoveringupourtracks
carefully.

theycometothewindowArizona!youtalktotheminthemiddleofthenight!i
hearyouguysspeakingandopeningandclosingthewindow!shesaidlookingatme
spitefully.
momtherearenoboysoutthewindowisaidtryingtocalmherdown,because
afterallitwasthetruth.Withthatsheleft,buticouldtellshewouldbeback.Carleeand
ikindofgiggledbecauseitseemedabithystericaltohaveyourmotheractinglikea
madwomanoversomeinvisibleboys.
Afteraminuteortwowentbyshereappearedwithguninhand.Ijumpedalittle
notexpectingmymothertobecarryingaglockaroundwithher.Thistimesheyelledto
nooneinparticular
Whoeverisoutthereihaveagunandyouneedtoleavemylittlegirlsalonei
canandwillgetyouarrested,iamnotafraidofyoubutyoushouldbeafraidofmeI
laughedatthis,icouldntcontainmylaughter.whatinthehellwasgoingon?Hadshe
gonecompletelybonkers?Afteraminuteofsilenceshelookedatmeagain.
MomyouretrippingballsIlaughedsohardatthiswhilecarleealmost
hyperventilatedbecauseofwhathadjusthappenedandwhatihadsaid.
Alrightimtrippinballssherespondedquietlyandwiththatshelefttheroom.
whenilookbackonthatmemoryistilllaugh.itjustseemssoridiculous.
Themainmemory,andprettymuchonlythingthathasreallyleftanimpactinmy
lifeisJay.Jaywasaboy,hewaseighteenliketravis.ButTraviswasfoolish,sillyreally.
ButJaywassmart,calmandcaring.Hedidntcomearoundmuchbutwhenhedidhe
wasalwaysfixatedonme.Everyonelovedhiminthatgroup,theythoughthewas

matureandcool.Oftentimeswhenthewholegangwastogetheriwouldcatchhim
staringatme,notsexuallybutjustlikehewaslookingatapainting.Hewasalways
funny,hewouldsaythingsthatcouldcrackmeuptothepointwhereicouldntbreathe.
Ilikedhim,iwontdenythat.
Butiknewthatinallrealitywehadnochance.Hewastooold.buticouldnthelp
myselffromdreamingabouthim.Hismediumlengthdirtyblondehair,hislightgreen
eyesthathedsometimesusetowinkatme.Hewasalwayssodreamy.Hissmilecould
captivatemeforhours.Buteverytimeiletmyselfthinkthesethoughts,iwouldremind
myselfthatitcouldnthappen.thatditdbewrong.andsocietywouldlookdownupon
us.
Butonedayweendedupalone.ihonestlycannotrecallwhy.Wewerestanding
outside.myfriendswereinsideofmysmallhouse.Icannotrecallwhatweweretalking
abouteither.Notthatitreallymatters.Allirememberwasiwasstandingonthestepsof
mymotherporchandheleanedinandkissedme.notlikeagentlekiss,morelikea
veryaggressivekissthatmeltedintosomethingmoredeep.Icouldntholdbackmy
surpriseandexcitementaswepulledaway.
Imsorry,ijusthadtoHehadsaid.iknewexactlywhathewassayingthe
chemistrywasthere.everyinchofmewantedtopullhiminandtokisshimagain.buti
knewbydoingthatitwouldcausealotoftrouble,soididnt.Wedidtextalotafterthat,
sendingsweetthingsandsillypictures.Hewasagreatguy,buthewasnttheguyfor
me.

Thatsummerseemedtolastforever.Whenirememberitinmyminditseemed
likeayearinthreemonths.Itwasbeautiful,confusingandeyeopening.Thatentire
summermymotherwaythereforme.sheneverletmedown.sheprotectedme,she
defendedmeandshetaughtmemanyvaluablelessons.
Astheleavesturnedtheirgloriousfallcolors,andthewindbegantoblow,
everythingchanged.Carleehadgottenpregnantandwasprettymuchtoobusyforme
oranyoneelse,soilosther.Jaywasgoneagain,Travismovedaway,Kaylamoved,
andKatelynwasgoingtoschoolaswasi.Mygrandparentsforcedmetomoveintomy
myfathers,whichtheywouldlaterregret.Iwasunhappythereandmissedmymother
constantly.Buteventuallyigotintotheflowthere.Butsomenightswhentheloneliness
wouldconsumemeiwouldbreakdownandcallher.Shewouldalwaysanswerandtry
herbesttocomfortme.Sometimesitwouldwork,andsometimesiwouldpretendit
worked.theruleswereverydifferentatmyfatherscomparedtomymothersandmy
grandparents.
Iwasnotallowedtonapduringtheday,icouldnotwearsunglassesoutside,i
hadchoreseverynightandiwasonlyallowedtoleaveforonehourperday.nowi
understandthattheywerejusttryingtodowhattheythoughtwasbest,buttomeitwas
hell.Ifeltasifallofmyfreedomwasbeingstripedoffofme.Icouldnthelpbutdespise
myfatherandmystepmother.Ifeltlikeastrangerinmyownhome.iknewthatididnot
belongthere.Iwantedtobeanywhereelsemostnights.
Whentherainturnedtosnow,andcoatsweremandatoryiheardofanewman
inmymotherlife.shehadbeensingleforaboutsevenmonthssoiwassurprisedwhen

shecalledandtoldmeabouthowshemetaniceguyandiwouldlikehim.Hisname
waslonnie,andshehadmethimthroughsomefriends.Sosinceiwentovertovisither
andmygrandparentsontheweekendsiagreedtomeethim.Iwasbeyondnervous
aboutthisnewguy,becausenewguysalmostalwaysmeanttrouble.
Oneofthefirsttimesihadeverbeenaroundlonnieihadwalkedintomymothers
smellyhouseandtriedexplainingtoherthatineededhertocallmygrandparentsso
thatshecouldexplainthatiwasstayingatherhouse.Butinsteadofunderstandingshe
wassodrunk,thatshethoughtisaidthatihadstayedataboyshousethenightbefore
andineededhertolieforme.Shestartedtoyellabouthowiwashorribleithatwe
weregoingtohavealongtalk.Iwassoconfused.Whatthehellwasshetalkingabout?
Eventuallyshetoldmetogolaydown.Thatpissedmeoff,ifeltalloftheangerswellup
intomychest.Howdareshe?No!igaveheradirtylookandsaidsomehorriblethings
abouthowicouldbeabettermotherandiwasthirteen!Shelookedconfusedandangry
butiwasdonetakinghercrap.Iranoutofthehousewithoutmyshoesonandontothe
pavementwhichscratchedmyfeetasisprinted.Mygrandparentsonlylivedablock
awaysoijustranasfastasicouldhomesinceitwasgettingdark.Whenigothomei
explainedwhathappenedandlistenedasmygrandmotherasshetriedtoexplainitto
me.Butnoididntneedanexplanation!Iunderstandthatsheissick.Butididntwantto
hearitfrommygrandmother,becausenoonecouldunderstandthepainifeltinthe
deepestareaofmyheart.
Wheniopenedthedoortothehouseitsmelledofsmokeandalcohol.Iheld
backmyangerasisawmymothersittingonthecouchwithlonnie,shelookedterrible.

Herhairwasamess,hermakeupwassmearedandshewasverytipsy.Lonniewasan
olderman,helookedaboutlatefifties,hishairplatinumblonde,hiseyesreflectedthe
ocean.Buticouldntstandtolookathim.Iblamedhimformymother'sbehavior.She
wasafool,shedidntknowanybetter.thesearethethingsitellmyselfatnightsothati
cansleep.Butinallreality,sheisselfish.
Allofherwordswereslurredandallicouldrememberwasleavingasquicklyasi
couldbeforeibecamestupidlikethem.
Afterthatmymotherwascareless.shedidntthinkaboutmeormysiblings.she
wouldcall,butthatwasjustsoshecouldpretendshereallygavearatsassaboutus.
Whenthesnowstartedtomeltofftheplants,shedissapeared.Withoutnotice
shejustleft.Shedidntpickupherthings,shejustdecidedthatnowwasatimeto
vacationfromtheroughlifeofadrunk,unemployedmother.Iknewwhyshehadleft,
shewasgettingskinnierandskinnierandthereisusuallyonlyonecauseforthat.Meth.
ihatetheword.Ihatethewayitmakesmefeelwhenithinkaboutit.Ihatethepeople
whosellit,makeitandtakeit.Themoreithinkaboutitthemorebitteriget.
OnedayDaniandiwerewalkingbymymotherhouse,knowingshewasntthere
wheniheardayap.thereisnowaythatsheleftPreciousinthere.Butindeedthere
was.shehadleftthepooranimalintherebyitself.surestonewasoccasionallythere
butitwasrare,hehadmoreimportantthingstodo.Soikeptwalkingforaminute
lookingformyboys.JoshandRyan.Ryanwasapudgierguy,butwegotalongquite
well.

Ryanwillyoupleaseboostjoshintomybathroomwindow?ibegged.Ofcourse
theyagreed.Soonenoughjoshwasinthebathtubwithacrash.Iheardprecious
yappinginexcitementasjoshunlockedthedoorforme.Itookheroutpottyandfedher,
thenihadtoleaveherandicriedabit.butihandleditthebesticouldasayoungteen.
Whilemymotherwasgoneandiwonderedwhereshewas,iwouldoccasionally
bringStoneovergroceries,sothathedidntstarve.Didsheevenfeelbadforleaving?
didsheeventhinkaboutmeanymore?
Sometimesmyfriendswouldaskmeabouther.Questionslikewhereisshe?
whydsheleave?Isshecomingback?.Ihatedthesequestionsbecauseforeach
onetheanswerwasallthesame.Idontknow.Eventuallyisortofjustleftherbehind.i
stoppedthinkingofherasmymotherandstartedtothinkofherasthewomanwho
birthedme,notthewomanwhoraisedme.
Whentheflowersbegantobloomandthesunwasbecominghotagain,she
appeared.shewasback,notintownbutbackinMichigan.Whenisawhermyeyes
wentwideandmymouthwasleftagapewithshock.Shewasveryskinny,shelooked
asifshehadnteateninweeks.Theoutfitsheworemadeherlooklikeatwocent
hooker.shewaswearingatubetopthatshowedthetopofherbreasts(whichshe
didnthave)andsheworeshortsthatshowedthebottomofherbuttcheeks.Iwas
ashamedtosaytheleast.Shelookedlikeateenagerwithnomothertotellherwhatto
wear.Evenicoveredupmorethanthat.
Shehuggedmeandapologized.Ilistenedtoherbutididntbelieve.Shesaid
thatitwasamistake,amomentarymistake.Moment?itwasamonth.shelefther

familyforsomestrangeman,andwenttogodknowswhereforamonthandsaysthat
itwasamomentarymistake!Ididntfeelguiltyfordislikingheranylonger.shehadno
careforanyonebutherself.andthistimeiunderstood.Shemissedmybirthday.
Sometimesshewouldcall,andiwouldtalktoherandpretendlikeeverything
wasnormal,butitwasnt.Ipretendedtobeokay.Iwaslyingeverytimeisaidiwas
feelingfineorthatiwasjusttired.Inallrealityiwasbreakingdownfromallthepainshe
hadcausedme.
Afterschoolwasout,iwasstillbeingtroublebutiwaslesscareless.manytimes
inmylifeihavewonderedwhatmademesostrong.inwaysitwasmymother.ata
youngageihadtoacceptthatnotalladultsactedlikeresponsibleadults.Whichledme
totheconclusionthatnooneisperfect,notevenI.Ispentmostofthesummeratmy
grandparents,withmycousin.Weconstantlyhadboysoverandwewerealways
thinkingupsomethingnewandexcitingtodo.
MybestfriendatthetimewasRyan,hewasaboutfivefootthreeandmaybetwo
hundredandtwentypounds.Hewashilariousandwebasicallyspenteveryday
together.Helikedmeandiknewthat.Butididntknowhowmuchhelikedmeuntilone
dayaswewerepartinghehandedmeanote.ItsaidArizonaiminlovewithyoui
wasstartledandafraid.Howcouldhehavesuchastrongemotionwheniwouldrarely
speakwithhimaboutanythingelseotherthanboysandclothes?Therewasalsoa
heartandinsideoftheheartwasblood.ihadneverbeensoscaredinmyentirelife.
Whywouldhecuthisownfleshandleavehisbloodonpaperforme?doilooklikea

vampireorsomebloodthirstymaniac?Whenitalkedtohimnextiendedthefriendship
becauseitwasjusttoostrangeandcreepy.
AfterawhilemymothermovedinwithLonnie.InNashvilleourhometown.Itwas
ahousehedownedforawhile.buttheyweregoingthroughcourtthingsandsuchsoi
didntvisitmuch.Ibegantomissmymomquiteabit.Imissedhavinganotsomature
adulttogetinputfrom.
Aroundthatsummeriswhenistartedtovisitmymotheralmostconstantly.Once
schoolwasoutipracticallylivedthere.Butitwasntbecauseofmymotherthatidid
that.Therewasaboytwohousesdown,HisnamewasDonavan.Hewasprettycute,
andreallyfunny.Hewasonlyayearmyjuniorandafteralotofflirtingandalotofhugs,
weweredating.Oftennightsiwouldfindmyselfsleepingoverathishouse.Hewasmy
comfortfrommymother.sometimesmymotherwouldbesoberandothertimesshe
wouldbebelligerentlydrunk.Whenshewasbeingignoranthewouldjusttakemeinhis
armsandtellmeeverythingwasgoingtobeokay.Hewasquiteahandsomecreature.
Donavanwasalwaystan.nomatterwhattimeofyear.HehadHazeleyesandasmile
thatcouldmakeyourdaybetter.Whichformeitalwaysdid.
Lonniecamehomerightafteristartedstayingtheremore.Sooftentimesi
stayedatDonavanstoescapemystepfather.Itwasntthathewashorribletomeor
mymotheritwasthaticouldntforgivehimforlettinghergetthisway.
Everytimeithinkofthatsummeritisutterlybittersweet.Oneofthefondest
memoriesihavefromthatsummerwasoneearlymorning.Juneeighteenthtobeexact.
Wewerelayingnexttoeachotheranditwaslatemorningandikindofsmiledathim.

Helookedatmeandsmiledback.Thatwasthemorningthatiaskedhimtobemy
boyfriend.iwassonervousbutexcitedallatthesametime.
Youngloveusuallyhasthemosttragicendings.idontrememberwhereiheard
thatbutihavealwaysfoundittobetrue.Hewasmyfirstlove,andintheendittoreme
apart.iwasmovingandwouldnolongerhaveanytimeforhim.Ifeltsicktomystomach
whenitoldhim.Hewasupsetbutknewitwasthebestthingforbothofus.Somenights
iwouldnotbeabletosleepbecausethetearswereconsumingallofme.Alotofpeople
saythatteenagersdontknowwhatloveis.Andthosepeoplearewrong.becausei
lovedhimenoughtolethimgo.whichismorethanwhaticansayformostadults.
Whenthishappenedistoppedcomingaroundmymother'sIstayedawayformonths.
Shewouldalwayscallandsayhowshemissedmeandhowshelovedme.surei
missedherbutgoingbacktherewouldmakeitharderformetogetoverhim.soididnt.
Thenextyearflewbylikenothing.thenextsummerispentinNebraskawithmy
auntLorna.Shewasaverygoodinfluenceonme.Shetreatedmewiththeutmost
respectandexpectedadultresultsoutofme.eventhoughsometimesiwouldcomplain
abouthowstrictshewasorhowiwantedmorefreedom,shereallywasdoingwhat
wasbestforme.Nebraskaisnothinglikeyouexpect.Itisnotallflatlandand
tumbleweeds.IwaslivinginanicelittlesuburbrightoffofOmaha.Iworkedwithher
therecleaningwealthypeopleshouses.Ididntmindtoomuchbecauseitgaveme
greatexperience.Oftenmorningsiwouldwakeuptoherstandingtherewithherspiked
redhairtellingmetoriseandshinebecausewehadworktodo.Thatsummerwas
definitelyoneofmyfavorites.InNebraskaijoinedayouthgroup.Theyouthgroup

helpedmetopushthroughalotofmyproblems.LikeNathan.Nathanwasmyboyfriend
thatihadbeendatingsinceseptemberthepastyear.Hewasmediumheight,his
blondehairreachedhisshouldersandhisbluegrayeyeswerestunning.Buttherewas
onerealproblem,hewasamanipulator.
Nathanwasthesortofguytomakeyoufeelbadforgettingmadatsomethinghe
did.andforawhileireallydidfallforit.butithinkinallrealitythereasonididntleave
wasbecauseididntwanttobealone.Itwasunhealthybutiwasntsurehowtoendit.
Howdoyouonedayjustdecidedtotellsomeonethatanystrandofemotionyouhad
leftforthemhasleft?Whenifinallydidbreakupwithnathanididntfeelhorrible,ifelta
largeweightbeingliftedoffofmychest.
Afterigotbackfrommysummertripiwasdifferent.Ifeltaneedtobe
productive.SoinFebruaryof2013ibegantolookforajob.Ihadseenmymother
aboutthreetimessinceihadleftforNebraskaatthistime.Ididntwanttoenduplike
her,allbeatenupanddrunk.iwantedtobesuccessful.Soistartedthelongprocessof
lookingforajob.ifilledoutmanyapplicationsandwaited.Onedayifilledoneoutfora
shoestoreinLansing.
Abouttwohourslaterigotaphonecallsayingthatihadaninterview.whenitold
Ashleyshetooappliedandgotaninterview.whichmademeabitannoyedbecause
thatwasmymomentnothers.butididntsayaword.
TheInterviewswerenervewreckingbutwemustvedonewellbecausewegot
thejobs!weworkeddiligently.WehadthreemanagersJarrod,David,andCourtney.
Courtneycaughtmyattention.Shewasveryfunny.Herhairwaslong,pasther

shouldersandshehadoceanblueeyes.Herteethwereperfect.Shewashilarious.no
matterwhatshesaiditwasalwaysfunny.Iadmiredher.Aroundthistimeistarted
datingDavid,whichintheendwasaverybigmistake.Hepretendedtocare,butinall
realityhejustwantedonething.
AroundthattimemymotherhadtextedmeandsaidthatshethoughtthatLonnie
wasonmethagain.Itshockedandhurtmeinadifferentwaythenihadeverbeenhurt
before.Hewillingwasscrewingupmymother'slifeanddidntgiveadamn.Whenitold
davidhisonlyresponsewas:
AtLeastyourmomisntdoingitthat'swheniknewitwasover.Hehadno
sympathyformeandonlycaredforhimself,anditwasmyfaultfortrustinghim.Ihadlet
myselftrustthisguy,ihadlethimin.Allhesawwasthebadpartsofme,theanger,the
selfishnessandthesensitivity.Hemademefeellikeiwasnothing.Whenitexted
Courtneyshefeltbad.icouldtell.
Irememberspendingmanylatemaydaysandearlyjunedaystextingher.
Tellingherhowbeautifulandworthfulshewas.eventuallyonedayshegotthehintand
sheaskedthequestionihadnotexpected
Areyoustraight?Iatfirstplayedaroundthequestion,afraidshewasstraight
andwouldrealizedthatiwascrushingonher.Buteventuallysheguessedit.Sheasked
Areyoubisexual?andmyanswerwastheobviousone,yes.Theniaskedher
thesamequestionandgotthesameanswer.Shesaidwecouldntdatebecauseof
reasons,butipersisted.Iwantedherasmyownandiwasntgoingtogiveupuntilihad
herasmyown.Andforawhilewejusttalkedflirtedandsnapchatted.Butthenoneday

shecametomyworkasiwasclosingandwestoodthereforagoodtwohourstalking
aboutnothingandeverything.Iwantedsobadlytojustrunmyfingersthroughherhair
andkissher.Butitwasntthatsimple.ihadtowait,untilthemomentwasright.
SheinvitedmetoherapartmentwheniwenttopickupAshleyfromwork.I
acceptedtheinvitationbecauseiwasfartoocurioustolettheopportunityslip.Wheni
gottherewewentstraightintoherclosetsizedbedroom.Iimmediatelystarfishedonto
herbed.Shelaughedandaskedifiwasgoingtomakeanyroomforherandiobliged.
Atfirstwejustcuddled,andeverysingleinchofmywastingling.Ifeltasifihadbeen
hitwithlightening.whatwasgoingon?Finallyshelookedatmeandilookedatherand
wekissed.itwasthemostdeepkissihadeverexperience.likesomesortofbeautiful
thingthatyouknownooneelsecanseethewayyoudo.
WhenihadtoleavehertogogetAshleyiwassadbecausealliwantedtodo
wasbeinherarms.Iwantedtolaythereforeverinthepeacethathadbecomeus.But
sadlyrealityintervenedlikeitalwaysdoes.
Ihadalottothinkaboutiwassoexcitedbutabsolutelyterrifiedatthesame
time,thisisexactlywhatlifeisabout.AfterthatCourtneyicontinuedtotextconstantly,
andfalldeeperintoourrelationship.Buttheworldgotinthewayagainwhileiwasat
work.Davidrandomlygrabbedmeandkissedme.Iwassomad.Howcouldhedothat
tome?howcouldhemakemefeelthosethings?
Rightaroundthistimeiwaswalkingdowntownwithmymother,aboutaweek
later.AndwewereheadedtowardsthestoredowntownNashville.Shewasramblingon

andonaboutsomemeaninglessdramawithLonnieandhisdaughtersaboutwhichit
seemswasanendlesswar.Myphonebeepedandicheckeditcuriously.
OhitsjustthisgirlthatidatedIhadsaidcheckingherreaction.Atfirstshe
saidnothingandjustkeptwalkingnexttome.Thensheflipped.
Whatdoyoumeanagirlyoudated?sheyelledstoppinginmidstride.
ImeanexactlywhatisaidIrepliedsharply.Shewasquiteupsetaboutthis.but
sheseemedhappythatitwasover.Ididnthavethehearttotellherthatitwasntreally
over.becauseifeltallofrawemotionsfromthemessageshesentme.Imissedher,i
missedhersmile.Iwentbacktoheragain.Butthistimeiwasafraid.Whatifshehurt
me?whatifshepretendedtocareandjustrippedmyheartoutandleftmefordead?
Howcanitrustanyoneafterallofthethingsihavebeenthroughwiththis?
ButonAugust27thireceivedapackageinthemail.Inthispackagewasasix
pageletterandaCDcontainingsomesongs.Ireadthelettersandtearsstartedtoflow
frommyeyes.theywerethemostbeautifulwordsihadeverread.Ifinallyknewthat
whatshesaidshefeltformeitwastrue!shedidloveme.Iletallofmyemotions
throughthistime.andallofmestartedtofeelrelieved.Itextedherandtoldherhow
muchthatlettermeanttome.Iaskedhertobemygirlfriendthatdayandsheagreed.I
smiledfortherestoftheweek.Thatbeautiful,pale,blueeyed,brunettegirlwiththe
beautifulwordswasmine,whatmorecouldiaskfor?
InthemeantimemymotherandLonniesplitbecauseshehadfinallybeenable
toacceptthatLonniewasbackintomethandsheknewshecouldntlivelikethatagain.
sonowshewaslivingwithanoldfamilyfriend,butquicklyshefoundanotherman.

Becauseasthestoryshowshereshedoesntfarewellwithoutamanbyherside.His
namewasbill.ManyrumorswentaroundNashvilleofhowmymotherleftLonniefor
Bill.Ididntknowifitwastruebutididntfeeltheneedtoaskeither.
Astimehaswentonwehaveonlygottencloserandihaveworkedthroughmy
trustissues.Onecoldnovembermorningidecidedtogowatchthestatevs.Ohiostate
gameatmymothers.SoidroveallthewaytoDurand.Mymotherhadalreadybeen
drinkingalittlebythetimeigotthere.Thehousewasoldandalwayssmelledlike
smokeandoldfurniture.Thewoodenfloorswerechippedupandthewallsalltinteda
oldershadethantheyoriginallywere.Mydogwasthere.Hernamewasprecious.Small
bostonterrieraboutthesizeoftwoloavesofbread.
Iwasuncomfortabletosaytheleast.Ididntwanttobethere.Butialsodidnt
wanttohurtmymothersoileftitalone.Weallbondedandspokeaboutdifferentthings
andlaughed.MymotherwascomfortablewiththeideaofCourtneynowsosheasked
aboutherandsaidsomethingthatmademesmile.
IthinkCourtneymightbethebestpersonyouvedatedIgrinnedsohardthat
mycheekshurt.Iwaspleasedwiththis.Lateronmymothertoldmethatshewasgoing
toplaycardswithBillandhisfriendsandthatshewouldbebackinacoupleofhours.I
knewthatprobablywasntthetimeframebutipretendedtobelieveher.
Iwascorrect.Shewasgonesolatethatiwenttosleepafterwatchinga
devastatinglosstoOhiostateandshestillwasnthome.
Iwoketomymotherinmyfacesmellingofcigarettesandalcohol.Ilookedather
andpretendedtonotbeangry.

Sorrytowakeyouiwasjustsayinggoodnight.Maniamsomadandwiththati
pretendedtogobacktosleep.Butididntilistenedasshewentintothekitchenand
startedrantinginthekitchenabouthowBillhaddrovehometwoblocksdrunk.
Ishouldgowakehimup!sheyelledatAlexus,Billsfifteenyearolddaughter.I
couldfeeltheangerstarttoswellupinsideofme.Whycantthingsjustbenormal?why
wouldshesaythosehorriblethingsaboutBilltohisdaughter?doesshehaveany
senseatall?Icouldfeelthepanicrisinginmychest.Iwasshakingandicouldntfocus
onsleepanylonger.
Iwalkedoutthereandlookedattheruinsthatusetobemymother.Iwasmore
ashamedinthismomentofmymotherthanihadeverbeen.Shestoodtheredrunkenly
swingingherarmsaround.Herbrownhairwaspulledintoalooseponytail.Herhazel
eyes(thesameasmybrothers)werebloodshotfromalloftheanger.
ineedtogo.isaidsittingdown.Atthistimeitwasaboutonethirtyinthe
morningandicouldntcalldown.
whatdoyoumean?sheaskedasifihadsaidsomesortofpuzzlingriddle.
icantstayhererightnow,it'stoomuchformeihadreplied.Shebeggedand
beggedformetostay,formetowaituntilmorninglight,butnoteventhatwastolerable
forme.Ihadtobebackwithmysanity,withmyration,withCourtney.Eventuallyi
convincedhertoletmegoandthateverythingwouldbefine.SheaskedforCourtneys
numberandideclined,tellingherthatididnttrustthatshewouldntjustharassher.
Shesaidshewouldntbutididntbelieveher.

Afterisaidmygoodbyesandwatchedhercryontheporchasidroveawayfrom
onedarknessandintothenext,igotacallfromCourtney.Mymotherhadmessaged
heronfacebookandaskedherforhernumberorsomethinglikethat.Ifeltto
embarrassedandjustsoangry!Howdareshemesswiththelifeihavecreatedfor
myself?itisnoteasytolookweakinanotherpersonseyes.
WhenigotbacktoCourtneysicalledmymotherandpretendedeverythingwas
fine.Thatwhatialwaysseemtodoanyway.IwentuptoCourtneysroomandshejust
heldmewhileisaidnothing.Forawhileitwasjustlikethatandthenilookedoverto
hernightstandandsawallofthesnacks.irolledmyeyesandshookmyhead.Ohhow
sillyCourtneycanbeattimes.Shewasalwaysthereforme,andiwillforeverbe
gratefulforthat.
Ithurts,atfirstithurtsobadthatsometimesicouldntpictureherfacewithout
tearsstreamingdownmycheekslikeasaltyriver.Butnowitisasmallache.Youcan
neverfullyhealormoveonfromit.Thepersonthatwassupposedtobethereforyou
frombirthjustcaresaboutherself.Yesyoucanblameitontheillnessofalcoholismor
onherupbringingbutiknowdamnwelliwouldnevergiveuponmyown.That'swhyi
havestayedthroughallofherbullshit.That'swhyiwillneverfullywalkawayfromher.
Eventypingthistearsarefallingfrommyeyes.Ifithurtthenwhywouldyouwriteit?
youask.Becausenomatterwhatthepain,nomatterthejudgementofwhoeveris
readingthisthereisonethingyoucannotdeny.Itisreal.Ithurtsbecauseitmatters.As
muchasidliketopretendthatwhatshehasdonedoesntaffectme,itdoes.
Sometimesidothingsandtheyjustseemsoirrational.Soihavetotakeaminuteand

figureoutwhyimdoingwhatido.Usuallythereasonsarereactionsfrommypast
experiences.Sheleftmewithamentalscarthatiwillneverbeabletoerase.Buteven
thebadexperiencesmakeuswhoweare,whetherwelikeitornot.
Irarelyspeaktomymothernow.Ihavenoreasonto.Shehasaveryseparate
lifethanmine.Whatexactlywouldbethepointofinterminglingthoselivesintoone?as
historyhasshowninmylifeitwouldjustbealargemess.Iknowthisisntahappy
ending,butidontbelieveinhappyendings.Ibelieveincontemptendings.
Furthermore,iunderstandthatmynoveldidnotmeetthetenthousandword
requirement.ButalsoionlyhaveonesmallthingtotellyouMr.Bradley,imeanno
disrespectbythisbutnovelsarenotaboutquantitybutmoreaboutquality.Iputallof
myselfintothisnovel.Iexposedmyselfanddidnthideathing.Iletmyselfbe
vulnerabletoanyonewhodecidestoreadthis.Soifyouaskmeonmondaytoshow
youmyjournalyouwillfindnowritingaboutthis.Maybeyoullmarkmedown,sayi
couldvetriedharder,butiknowthatisnttrue.Imnotgoingtobeupsetwithyouor
judgeyouformarkingmedown,ijustdontbelieveinforcingmyselftowritemorewhen
ihavenothingelsetosay.Asmartmanonedaysaidthatsometimesthemost
powerfulmessagesarewroteinafewwords.Thisstorymightnotbeperfect,butits
mine.