Down the Drain

Everything you need to know about everything!

July 2015

Volume 3 Issue 6 Whole Number 30

City braces for huge invasion of

Fourth of July revelers!
Millions
expected on
strip!
Local, state and
national
authorities
prepare for worst!
Unexplainable Acts
of Idiocy Threat
Level raised to red!
Work to have Strip
ready in overdrive
By Marlow Archer
Ace Crime Beat Reporter
As Las Vegas readies
itself for the millions and
millions of people who
will descend upon the
Strip to celebrate the
Fourth of July, most, if not
all, local, state and
national agencies are
doing
whatever
is
necessary to assure the
weekend will be safe, if
not entirely sane.
Authorities have raised
The Unexplainable Acts

of Idiocy Threat Level to

red for only the second
time in the history of Las
Vegas.
Sgt. Donald Im Irish
Dooley, a spokesperson
for the Las Vegas
Metropolitan
Police
Department, said that
while
last
years
celebration was indeed
quite raucous, this years
celebration
has
the
potential to be even worse.
Temperatures
well
above
100
degrees
combined with beer and
other adult beverages,
silly frat boys who like to
play pranks and the
presence of criminals
seeking to take advantage
of tourists are a recipe for
trouble, Dooley said,
Which is why the UAITL
has been raised.
Dooley
added
that
everything is being done
to prevent the kinds of
incidents that occurred
during last years Fourth
of July celebration and
during the New Year
celebration.
There will be no goats
on the roof of the Wynn

INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
SIX

FAMOUS PEOPLE
WE WISH WOULD
JUST GO AWAY
AND WHY THEY
PROBABLY WONT!

BRAIN COOTIES
URBAN LEGEND OR
SCIENTIFIC FACT?
CAN

WILD RICE BE
TAMED AND
TRAINED? WE
ASK THE EXPERTS!

PLUS
Hotel, he said.
And, he added, There
will be no kegs of bubble
bath dumped into the
fountains
at
Caesars
Palace. There will be no
barbershop
quartets
singing Barnacle Bill the
Sailor at any place on the
Strip at any time during
the nights activities.
County crews are busy
rolling up the lane
markings on Las Vegas
Blvd. between Charleston
and Hacienda. The white
stripes
have
become
popular
targets
for
souvenir hunters and in
the past have cost the

WALTER
CRONKITE,
DAVID BRINKLEY
ERIC SEVAREID AND
EDWARD R.
MURROW ON THE
BRIAN WILLIAMS

county
hundreds
of
thousand of dollars to
replace.
During the festivities, the
lane
markings
are
reportedly stored in a
fortified bunker at Nellis
Air Force Base and are
protected by crew-served
weapons
during
the
duration of their storage
there.
The markings will be
returned to their proper
places on Las Vegas Blvd.
as soon as the Strip is
cleared of all revelers and
it is safe for county road
(Continued

on page 2)

DEBACLE

ALL

THIS AND
MORE! RIGHT
HERE! RIGHT NOW!
IN THIS MONTHS
EDITION OF DOWN
THE DRAIN!

But seriously, folks,

Plumbing news from around the world

Akron Casket and
Excavation Co. will
expand offerings
AKRON, OHIO The
A k r on C a s k e t an d
Excavation Co. has
announced it will expand
its commercial offerings
to pre-drilled post holes
and pre-dug trenches, both
of which will be targeted
at the construction
industry.
Previously the company
has only offered preexcavated graves and a
large assortment of luxury
caskets to put in them.
A press announcement
issued by the company
said they anticipate a high
demand for their new line
of products. The predrilled holes and trenches,
they claim, will reduce
labor costs, eliminate
potential code violations,

and improve the on-time

performance
of
contractors.
News of the expanded
o f f e r i n gs s e n t t h e
companys stock higher
on Wall Street.

Unusual number of
drain
blockages
reported
WACKYBACK,
COLORADO

Plumbers working in this

affluent suburb of Denver
are reporting an unusually
high number of service
calls from homeowners
saying their toilets are
clogged and that they are
unable to clear the
blockages by the usual
methods.
Various reports from
several plumbers reveal
that many homeowners
are confusing their toilets

with
their
trash
compactors and are
attempting to flush down
their toilets chocolate chip
cookie wrappers, empty
cans of potato chips,
empty pizza boxes and
other items instead of
putting them in their trash
compactors.
A spokesperson for the
City of Wackyback said
their Department of Water
and Sewer has looked into
the problem but have
forgotten exactly what the
results of that inquiry
were.
The spokesperson also
said the City of
Wackyback
would
examine the problem
again as soon as they
could remember to do so.
In the meantime, local
plumbing companies are
reporting that while they
are happy with the

increased business, they

are also concerned about
the potential damage to
the homeowners toilets
and plumbing lines and
the
cost
to
the
homeowners of repairing
or replacing those items if
the abuse isnt stopped.

Ossified Petroleum
Jelly,
Inc.
experimenting with
flavors?
OSLO, NORWAY
Do cum ent s r e ce nt l y
released by LeakyLeaks
indicate that for the first
time in its history,
Ossified Petroleum Jelly,
Inc., makers of the
legendary plumbers putty
and popular sandwich
spread, are attempting to
create raspberry,- bananaand orange -flavored
versions of its product.

If youre looking for

fast, professional,
courteous service for
your plumbing needs
please give us a call.
Pentagon Plumbings
service technicians
are available 24
hours a day, seven
days a week, and
unlike some other
companies, theres no
extra charge for
those after hours and
weekend calls!

We do:
Repair &
Replacements
Water Jetting
Insurance Work
Remodels
Electronic Leak
Detection
Sewer & Drain
Cleaning
Water Heaters
Repiping

And so much
more!
Like us!
Click on our
logo to go to
our website.
You know you
want to!

Twitter us!

Email us!

Pin us!

Yelp us!

Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. 5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969 Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com
NV License #58722
Teacher, teacher! Did the Fourth of July really happen on the Fourth of July?

Call us today!
876-5969

Down the Drain, July 2015

Page 2

Adventures, letters,

It was a dark and stormy

night. No, really it was!
The weather forecasters
had predicted a ten
percent change of rain,
which in Las Vegas
usually means were
going to get completely
and thoroughly drenched.
I sincerely wished they
had predicted a fifty or
sixty percent chance of
rain, because then, as
Vegas residents know all
too well, it wouldnt be
raining at all.
So there I was at nine
oclock at night slowly
driving my service van up
the backside of Black
Mountain. The windshield
wipers were going all out,
and the headlights were
picking up little beyond
the slanting torrents of
rain in front of me.
The good news was that
the twisting, turning road I
was trying to navigate was
paved. The bad news was
that there were no street
lights, no signs, no
anything but the river of
water running under my
wheels and the pounding
rain drumming against my
van.
Why had I agreed to this
late night appointment I
wondered as I slowed the
van even more and leaned
forward even more to try
to get a better view.
Why? Because the
woman had identified
herself as the Countess de
la Ferrari or Lamborghini
or some such thing and
had insisted I was the only
plumber who would meet
her strict requirements.
She had, according to
Lori, who had taken the
call, been quite insistent
that I be there at nine
oclock sharp.
Whats a poor plumber
to do? Fortunately, I had
no plans for the evening,
but the whole thing
seemed a little odd to me.
A countess? On Black
Mountain?
To be continued...

The Birthday
Box

Your opinion counts!

A life in the
day of a
plumber
By CHIP CARPENTER
Ace Master Plumber

advice and more!

Letters to the Editor

To the Editor:
I am a longtime fan of
Down the Drain. I admire
your journalistic integrity,
and your dedication to
reporting the truth. Your
fine staff of reporters and
columnists are without
peer.
Therefore, through your
publication, I am
announcing my candidacy
for the soon to be vacant
senatorial seat of Senator
Whats-His-Name and am
seeking the endorsement
of Down the Drain for that
position.
So please allow me to
introduce myself.
My name is Odum B.
Gage. I am 48 years old,
and I was born right here
in the Great State of
Nevada, where I have
lived my complete and
entire life.
I am the mayor of
Stovebolt,
Nevada
(population 63 and
growing!), and chairman

of the town council. I am

also the city marshal, chief
of the fire department,
judge, jailer only licensed
bail bondsmen for 300
hundred miles in any
direction. I am the owner
and operator of the
Stovebolt Salt Lick
Company, and, as any
resident in the county can
tell you, the cattle I raise
on my Salt Lick ranch are
the finest of the finest.
I am a devoted family
man. I am also the pastor
of the First Revived and
Revised Quadritarian
Bovine Church of
Stovebolt.
I dont have a fancy
platform or any position
papers.. I simply stand for
truth, justice and the good
ol red, white and blue!
I would be deeply
honored to have the
endorsement of Down the
Drain.
Odum B. Gage,
Stovebolt, Nevada

To the Editor:
After readi ng t he
exciting conclusion of
Chip Carpenters latest
adventure in last months
edition of Down the
Drain, I feel compelled to
write, hoping you can
clarify something for me.
Just how did Vinnie
Lumbago make Madam
Blovotskys
house
disappear overnight? Chip
didnt say. and Ive
thought about it and
thought about it and tried
to figure it out, but I just
cant come up with a good
explanation.
Please help! This is
driving me crazy! I cant
sleep at night!
XXXXXX
Henderson, Nevada.
Sorry. We really have no
idea how Vinnie did it, but
perhaps, if hes reading
this, Vinnie will be kind
enough to enlighten us.
ed.

Back by Popular Demand!

Ask Uncle Vlad!

Dear Uncle Vlad,
I
recently
read
somewhere that your
government is extremely
corrupt. Is that true?
The Good Government
Coalition of Henderson
Dear Good Government
Coalition of Henderson,
You Americans and this
thing you call truth! Ha,
ha!
Of course government of

Mother Country corrupt.

All governments corrupt!
Especially governments of
decadent
capitalist
countries like yours.
Only difference between
government of Mother
C ount r y and ot her
governments is we tax and
regulate corruption. That
way everybody benefits!
Corrupt officials make
handsome
profit,
government of Mother

Country
increases
revenues, citizens of
Mother Country receive
more
services from
increased revenues.
Everybody happy!
Your decadent capitalist
government should try
plan like ours. Is very
efficient and gets rid of
many
government
probl em s, i ncl uding
problem of corruption in
government!

Fourth of July celebration on Strip

(Continued

from page 1)

crews to begin work.

Law
enforcement
agencies are reportedly
installing dozens and
dozens
of
additional
CCTV cameras on the
Strip as well as deploying
several hundred undercover ferrets that have
been trained to crawl up
trouser legs and sniff out

latent and potential acts of

idiocy.
There have also been
numerous reports of black
unmanned aerial vehicles
flying over Las Vegas
Blvd., but no governmental
agency with whom Down
the Drain spoke will
acknowledge they have
used, are using or will be

using such devices in the

past, present or future in
the area of Las Vegas
Blvd. or anywhere else on
the planet for that matter
except in cases of national
security or threats of
immediate,
undeniable
and unexplainable acts of
idiocy.

A special happy
birthday wish
goes out this
month from all
the crew at
Pentagon Plumbing
to
Any of our
faithful readers
who happen to
have a birthday in
July
Yaaaaaaay!
(Applause!)
So go celebrate!

Down the Drain

is owned, operated,
imagined, inspired,
created, written,
produced, published and
copyrighted 2014 by
Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
However, permission is
granted by Pentagon
Plumbing, Inc. to
redistribute this
newsletter at will with
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For advertising rates,
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of course, service
requests, call, write or
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Plumbing, Inc. using the
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with the word
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do it, but we promise
well take you off our
subscription list.
5125 W. Oquendo Rd.,
Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV
89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969
Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@
pentagonplumbingnv.com

Down the Drain

Is published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
Editor-in-chief Applications being accepted
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