Holy Willie’s Prayer Updated

From the Robert Burns Poem

(The original satirical poem from which this revision is derived is directed at hypocrisy
and isn’t intended to be an insult to the true God or the Bible. It mocks certain teachings
of Christendom, especially predestination and literal hellfire, as well as sanctimonious
church leaders. Holy Willie is a self-righteous, hypocritical bachelor elder who reports
members of his church for what he considers misconduct and tries to get them expelled.
Gavin Hamilton and Robert Aiken are two handsome and popular young men who are
well liked in the congregation. Holy Willie’s attempts to discredit them for minor
offences meet with no success. It’s obviously a rewording of the famous poem by Robert
Burns. Because of its heavy dialect and unfamiliar words, the original is seldom read
outside of college classes in literature. I’ve eliminated those problems so it can be fun
and make a point for people today. I hope Burns wouldn’t mind.)

O Thou, that in the heavens does dwell,

As it pleases Thyself all full well,
Sends one to Heaven and ten to Hell,
All for Thy glory,
And not for good or ill
They've done before Thee.

I bless and praise Thy matchless might,

When thousands Thou hast left in night,
That I am here in Thy sight,
Filled with gifts and grace,
A burning and a shining light
To all who dwell in this place.

What was I, or my generation,

That I should get such exaltation?
I deserved most just damnation
For broken laws made for a nation,
Four thousand years ’fore my creation,

When from my mother's womb I fell,

Thou might have plunged me deep in hell,
To gnash my gums, and weep and wail,
In fiery burning lakes,
Where damned devils roar and yell,
Chained to their stakes.

Yet I am here a chosen sample,

To show thy grace is fully ample;
I'm here a pillar of Thy temple,
Strong as a rock,
A guide, a model, and example,
To all Thy flock.

O Lord, Thou know what zeal I bear,

When drinkers drink, and swearers swear,
And singing here, and dancing there,
With great and small;
For I am keep by Thy fear
Free from them all.

But yet, O Lord, confess I must,

At times I'm filled with fleshly lust:
And, too, in the world I do trust,
Vile self gets in;
But Thou remembers we are dust,
Defiled with sin.

O, Lord, what I did with Meg

Thy pardon I sincerely beg;
O, may it never be a plague
To my dishonour,
And I'll never lift a lawless leg
Again upon her.

Besides, I can not dare debunk,

With Sister Sue, three times I sunk
But Lord, that Friday I was drunk,
When I came near her;
Or else, Thou know, Thy servant true
Ne’er would steer her.

Perchance Thou lets this fleshly thorn

Plague Thy servant evenin’ and morn,
Lest he over proud and high should turn,
Because he's so gifted:
If so, Thy hand may even be borne,
Until Thou see to lift it.

Lord, bless Thy humble in this place,

For here Thou hath a chosen race.
But God confound their stubborn face,
And blast their name,
Who brings Thy elders to disgrace
And open shame.
Lord, mind Gavin Hamilton's deserts;
He drinks, and swears, and plays at darts,
Yet has so many takin’ arts,
With great and small,
From God's own priest the people's hearts
He steals away.

When we chastened him before,

Thou know how he made such a fuss,
And put the church in a roar
Of smirking and laughing at us;
Curse Thou his house and door,

O, Lord my God, that glib-tongued Aiken,

My true heart and flesh are quakin’,
To think how we stood sweatin’, shakin’,
And pissed with dread,
While he gave us all a rakin’,
And held up his head.

Lord, in Thy day of vengeance try him,

Lord, visit them who dared approve him,
And pass not in Thy mercy by them,
Nor hear their prayer,
But for Thy people's sake destroy them,
An don’t them spare.

But, Lord, remember me and mine

With mercies gracious and divine,
That I for love and faith may shine,
And all the glory shall be Thine,

Amen, Amen.