Made 4 U Episode Five “Memories”

I stood in front of this wooden door with brown wavy lines going down each board and a
metallic sign that read, ‘Dr. Jonny Anderson: Examining you heads first since 2002’, for five whole
minutes. I was in downtown San Francisco for the second time today and I wanted this day to be over.
As I let out a huge sigh, my hand opened the door and my feet started walking in. My arms ached from
the stitches I was given since my no-denying, unsuccessful suicide attempt. Lame, I might add. The
hospital had bandaged my wrists up like I was the next Pharaoh being buried and apparently I had no
say in how much bandage to put on since I was unconscious for two days. Two whole days and two
whole nights! Now, on this sunny Monday afternoon, I am walking into a head doctors office. When I
entered, I noticed a jungle of books laminated the walls, a dark skinned male in a jet black suit with a red
tie, talking to a red haired white female, and how small and lonely the office was. I appeared to be the
only patient today. He was pointing something out to her in the book on her desk as she sat looking
confused. When I softly cleared my throat, her eyes glared at me.

“May I help you?” she asked with that annoying raspy voice people have when they wake up.

“Kenneth Whitley!” the dark skinned guy acknowledged.

“You must have been waiting on me.” I said half jokingly.

“I’m Doctor Anderson, and I memorize my planner.” He laughed. The chick at the desk made a
face of disgust at him. I found his laugh really mesmerizing and I began to smile.

“There we go, that smile is what I like to see. But don’t smile too much, then I won’t have a job.”
And he laughed again. My smile got bigger and I could’ve sworn I looked like a fourteen year old girl
crushing the boy around the way. He opened the door behind him and allowed me to walk in first. This
office was illuminated in sunlight, a rare commodity for October in the Bay Area, on the fifth floor of the
Bank of America building in San Francisco now dubbed as the 555 California building. His desk was facing
the window and a giant bookshelf mounted the western part of the wall. Two grey leather recliners and
the typical long bed looking sofa between the two. I looked at the books he had on the shelf and saw
they ranged from Psychology for Dummies, Oprah’s ‘Live Your Best Life’ and other novels by authors like
Marvin White, Harlan Coben, and E. Lynn Harris. I suppose it was safe to assume he was gay, or
dangerously close to becoming gay.

“Please, have a seat.” He offered, closing the door behind him and sitting in the leather recliner
on the left. I threw out a heavy sigh and plopped on the bed sofa like a rock.

“Why am I even here?” I foolishly asked.

“I would answer in the typical psychologist way but you’ve been through a lot.” Dr. Anderson
started in a gentle tone, “its California law that attempted suicide victims are seen by a doctor.”
 I closed my eyes in pain like he had just socked me in the face with a baseball bat. Memories of
my suicide attempt flashed before my dark vision and I quickly opened them.

“Kenny?”

“Yes?”

“Let’s start with your personal life.”

“What about it?”

“Describe it to me.”

And without hesitation, I began spewing my interactions with people. How I met Teddy Mathis,
Johnson Ross who goes by Junior and Tonya Brown my three best friend’s in the world. Our secret
meeting place in Muir Beach and the feud between Teddy and Tonya. I told him about my brother,
Malcolm, who I haven’t heard from since he left, my overly vindictive and extra-Christian-fied mother
who told the congregation she attends that she would rather see me dead than gay.

“Really? Dead? That sounds harsh.”

“Well to quote word for word, ‘I rather see him six feet under than a homosexual.’”

“Wow.”

I began describing my father, who was shockingly supportive of my lifestyle. I told him about my
college career in theatre that I never got to finish since my financial aid providers decided to decline my
co-signer in the middle of my second year without an explanation. What made it worse is that the school
I was attending did nothing to help. It was, ‘Oh, you don’t have financial aid anymore? Too bad, there’s
the door.’ I told him in deep agony about my rape when I was younger by a bus driver who worked for
the city I lived in, and about how my lover, William Harrell, beat me when we first got together.

“What do you remember about that night?” my therapist interrupted in a slow but soft voice. I
tensed up trying to block the memories from flooding back.

“Pain,” I finally got out, "Excruciating pain."

“Tell me about it, Kenny.”

I shook my head slightly and inhaled deep. The vision came back vigorously like it had happened
the other day, when in fact it was only just twelve months ago. I started spewing out details like it was
vomit that my body couldn’t hold anymore. How I came home that night, William was on the couch in
the dark and how a feeling of terror shot threw me when I turned on the lights. He sat there, two empty
40 ounce bottles of vodka sat on the coffee table, with a knife in his left hand.

“William, what are-?”

 “Who is Clark?”

My mind swam suddenly. He was obviously drunk, but that name stung me like an angry hornet.

“Who?” I stalled but he sensed it and shot up, staggering a bit.

“Don’t fucking play games with me, Kenny! Who...is...Clark?”

I turned and rushed toward the front door, but as I opened it, William had thrown his body on it
to slam it closed. Now, he was inches away from me and I was looking at his empty hands. My breathing
felt heavy and I wanted to tell him the truth, but instead I chose another avenue.

“A friend.” I lied and turned around to walk to the kitchen but as soon as I had done that, I
immediately regretted it. It wasn’t his footsteps that I heard, but the removing of the bottle from the
coffee table. When my attention snapped in attention to his direction, I felt my nose being crushed by a
flying object causing me to fall into the wall behind me. Then, he started kicking me profusely and
violently while he slammed my head into the wall during his breaks from kicking me. It had all happened
so fast that I didn’t even have time to panic. The brief, deathly brief, moment he took to scream
something that was garbled, I took the bottle that had hit my nose and when he charged at me, I
crashed the bloody object into his right temple. I heard the thud of his body but had not seen it since I
was starting to panic now. When I tried to get up, his hand grabbed my ankle and all I could think about
was how I ended up in this Lifetime Movie situation.

“How did you escape?” Dr. Anderson asked. That’s when the tears broke free and I clutched my
sides, hugging myself.

“After I got up,” I told him in such agony, “After he grabbed my ankle, he picked me up and
threw me out the window.”
I could feel the look of horror on his face and when I looked over, my assumption was correct.
“How many stories were you?” He finally got out.
“Two.”
But in defense of the story I told about William, I wanted to inform him that this man was evil
once, but never again. We had our shares of arguments and fights but I wasn’t weak. When he would
yell, I would yell. When he’d raise his fist, I raise a cast iron skillet. One time, I took his clothes threw
them out the bedroom window and while he was screaming for me to stop, I grabbed his work files,
threw them in the bathtub and lit them on fire. But all that to say, he was never physically abusive to me
again. Verbally abusive was another story. He always found a way to make me feel low about myself.
And the night I came home from the hospital after my suicide attempt was no different.

When I had unlocked the door to the apartment I have in Downtown Oakland, I noticed all the
lights were on; the kitchen light, the light above the stove, the living room light, all the lamps in the
living room, and the bedroom light. I never made it to see if the bathroom light was on, because that’s
when I began to hear movement. My feet scurried across the floor and a smile broke across my face
when I knew it was my lover in the bedroom. He stopped me in my tracks by coming to the door with a
blank look on his face. I saw that the bathroom light was on and four suitcases that had been packed
and sat by the foot of the bed. William began to close the bedroom door and I began to wonder what
was going on.
“You didn’t tell me you found a place.” I naively started.
“I didn’t,” he coldly responded and then moved me out the way to walk past and into the living
room. I saw him grab movies that I know he had bought, walked back into the bedroom and put them in
an open suitcase on the bed.
“They sending you on an assignment?”
William sighed and looked at me.
“No,”
“Talk to me please!”
He zipped up the fifth suitcase and slammed it on the ground by the others.
“Do you know what it felt like to see you lying in the bathtub half dead?”
My eyes were zoned in onto my feet and I walked unconsciously to the bed and slowly sat at the
foot.
“Do you have ANY idea of what would have happened if I decided not to come home?” William’s
voice grew louder and angrier. Without thinking I replied there was only one idea.
“This is no time to fucking joke,” he boomed, “Imagine me hanging from a ceiling fan with a belt
around my neck.”
“I can’t,” I whispered.
“Well, you forced me to live and be a witness to that feeling. The pain and the horror that shot
through my body is something nobody should ever feel. Ever!”
“And do you ever care why I tried to kill myself?”
“No, there is no excuse to ending-“
“I am HIV positive, William, H-I-V POSITIVE!” I stood up at this point, my eyes full of tears and at
a yell.
“And, so what? People have syphilis, people have influenza, people have fucking virus’s every
single day and they live with it. You are no special!”
“Who, who in the hell do you know that lives with influenza? Exactly, you’re being completely
stupid and insensitive to what I am dealing with right now.”
William picked up two of his suitcases and walked toward the front door as I followed.
“So, you’re leaving me cause I tried to kill myself? I need you to talk to me, please.” I heard the
plea in my voice and him not answering. He just walked back past me into the bedroom and got two
more suitcases. And I followed.
“William, don’t do this please. I…I need you to be here with me. I love you. Please, stop! Don’t
give up on me!” I cried as he carried the last suitcase past me. He spun around and I saw anger in his
eyes like I did that night.
“I gave up on you when you gave up on yourself.”
And everything after that was pretty much a blur.
 Jonny Anderson, my head doctor, just tapped his pen against his temple and inhaled deeply. I
heard him scribble something on his pad and inhaled again.
“So who is this Clark guy?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I replied coldly but softly.
“Okay.” He held onto the ‘O’ a little too long, “What happened after the incident when your
lover threw you out the window?”
“I moved here.”
More fucking scribbling. He was about to say something else but was interrupted by a knock at
his door and then his receptionist’s head popped in.
“Doctor Anderson, your three o’clock is early and I tried to get him to settle but he was hell bent
on me telling you now.” She spoke as soft as she could while rolling her eyes. Dr. Anderson smiled.
“Thanks, Emily. Tell him I will be with him as soon as I can.”
Emily gave a thumps up and shut the door.
“You know Doctor Anderson-“ I protested while sitting up.
“Please, call me Jonny.”
“Okay,” It was my turn with all the ‘O’s, “Jonny, I can just go if you want me to.”
I saw him laugh and smile again.
“No, but thanks. You are my priority right now. I have people make appointments for a reason.”
I nodded, exhaled, and laid back again.
“So,” he began again, “is any of your family here?”
That time I let out a huge sigh. I answered that my family was all back home in Miami and I got
the same tired reaction I get from people who don’t live there. Why did I leave such a beautiful place?
They think that Miami is some sort of heaven on earth compared to everywhere else when in truth; the
natives hate outsiders also known as tourists, the highways are beyond congested between the hours of
two p.m. and 7 p.m., and natives think that stop lights are just caution signs. If you look hard enough you
will see that South Florida is segregated. Cubans live in Miami, blacks and islanders live in Fort
Lauderdale and whites live in Palm Beach. However, I just went with my original come back for this sort
of reaction.

“I wasn’t happy there.”

“Fair enough.” He commented, not looking up from his notepad, “How did you end up in
Virginia?”

“William and I moved there after they stationed him at Fort Eustis.”

Scribble, scribble, fucking scribble.

“You from here?” I asked, trying not to sound impatient.

“No,” he looked up briefly before scribbling again, “I’m from North Carolina. Back to you, why
California?”
 “All my friends, well most anyways, live here.”

“Tell me about them.”

And for the first time during this meeting, I smiled.

After I awoke in the hospital, Junior and Tonya were sitting next to me. Tonya was texting on her
cell phone and Junior was knocked out sleep at my feet. When Tonya saw I was awake, she smacked
Junior on the face and I snickered. They informed me that Teddy had been arrested for murder, William
hadn’t come to the hospital at all, and Chris had just left for work. My mind was still on the murderer
Teddy part. It wasn’t like him. After the nurses came and checked me out, Junior told me that he was
leaving Teddy’s car here and that the keys were in my pants pocket. They left after I found Teddy’s car
and I headed home. Today I had gone to see him before I came to the psychiatrist’s office. He was
incarcerated at Santa Rita Correctional Facility and it didn’t take me long to get there from my job in San
Francisco.

The security officer made me leave all my metals; cell phone, jewelry, basically anything that can
be contraband with him. He made a face when he saw my wrist like I had just tried to stab his dog. I
rolled my eyes and regretted not wearing long sleeves. I was walked to a small room for visitors, two
lefts and then a right from the security officer in which I thought I saw a person that looked like Leon
Dyer walk by. This thought was quickly erased when I looked back and saw no one. There were three
other people in the room talking to either their friend, family or loved one and it wasn’t anything like it
was on television. Police officers stood around the inside of this room, at least five of them. I sat at a
small round table and sighed. Teddy walked in about five minutes later in his all orange jump suit and
sat on the other side of the table. He was having five o’clock shadow and his hair hadn’t been brushed.

“You look like an orange piece of shit.” I smiled.

“What? At least I look like a fruit, you are simply a fruit.”

We both laughed and I touched his hand that was resting on the table.

“They told me what happened. Junior and them,” I started, “I’m at a loss for words.”

Teddy yanked his hand back and raised it for defense.

“Don’t worry about me, baby, you are the main concern here.”

I knew what he meant as I sighed and looked around for an excuse to change the subject.

“I’m sorry,” was all that came out. Teddy placed his hand back on top of mine.

“Well, what’s done is done. You’re still alive and that’s all that matters. I know you are going
through a lot right now, but you got to hang in there.”

“Spare me the lecture, I already got it from everyone else.”

 Teddy sighed and then nodded.

“You know I think you’re innocent,” I quickly blurted out. He smiled.

“That’s all that matters. Thank you.”

I let out a heavy sigh and bit my bottom lip.

“William left me.” I mumbled. Teddy didn’t react.

“About time.”

“What?”

“That man puts nothing good into your life. I’m glad he left you, but I am sorry that you’re
hurting.”

Tears started forming and I retracted my hand to wipe my eyes.

“If you gonna start crying in here, get your ass out. Speaking of which, why aren’t you at work?”

I inhaled deeply and looked at the table in sadness.

“They let me go.”

“They let you go?” Doctor Anderson exclaimed. I sighed and nodded a yes.

“Yes, as soon as I walked in.”

“I’m sorry, well, back to your friend.”

“Those fucking bitches,” Teddy yelled, “Let me guess, they said it wasn’t about you?”

“You know it, anyways, when is your next hearing?”

“Next month,” Teddy sighed this time. He then began fidgeting, crossing and uncrossing his legs
and sighing, “Look, I need you to do me a huge favor.”

I looked at Teddy and he had this look of fear in his eyes. That look I hadn’t seen in a very long
time. He knew something but he was powerless to do anything about it in here.

“Anything.”

“I need you to go to my job and pick up my belongings. Junior already called and told them the
situation.”
 “And?”

“And, I need you to look up Eric Jones.”

I crouched down and leaned in toward Teddy’s chest.

“The guy who put you here?” I whispered.

“ Yes,” he answered with confidence. I shrugged and sat back.

“Why?”

“There have been rumors in here that the rape of his son was just the beginning, that they will
do worse next time.”

“Who said this?”

“I don’t know. I’m in a jail, not really the yellow pages.”

“And you think these rumors are more than rumors?”

“Yes,”

“How?”

“I can’t explain, just trust me.”

I saw Doctor Anderson fall back into his chair. He had sat down his pen and paper and let out a
huge sigh. He placed his hand against his forehead and began rubbing. I didn’t know how to respond, so
I sat with my arms in my lap and gazed at the ceiling until he broke the silence.

“Eric Jones? Are you sure you heard correctly?”

“Yes, Eric Jones. The same guy who put Teddy in jail, I would remember that.”

“Do you think these rumors are true?” He asked, softly.

“I trust Teddy.”

“Why didn’t he tell this to his lawyer?”

“Do you really think they would listen?”

I sat up at this point and looked at the doctor. He lowered his head and shook it in disbelief.

“You have a point.”

 The doctor then wanted me to go into what happened at work today. The subject of Eric Jones
made him change his demeanor for some reason, but I wasn’t in the mood to press it. My time was
almost up and I didn’t want to waste any more time even though the state was paying for this. The
myths about being in a shrink’s office were absolutely not true. I felt that Doctor Anderson…er, Jonny
was actually caring about my well being. About why I was here and about what will happen to me after I
left. I had a lot on my mind and desperately needed someone to talk to. My friends’ were great but they
side with me most if not all the time. Junior would find the best of any horrific situation, Tonya would
bluntly tell me to get over it, and Teddy would make it seem that it’s smaller than what it is. This time, I
needed a neutral party. Someone to tell me just to talk and they not say anything. Especially with what
happened at work.

I had on my brown leather jacket and small Express bought shoulder bag as I walked into work
at Rogers and Barks Law Firm in downtown San Francisco. The bag was granite grey and it didn’t go with
anything I had on, but I loved the bag. I noticed they had started to decorate the office building for
Halloween and everybody who walked down Market Street enjoyed what they saw around the Shell
Building. Even inside at my place of business had the office infested itself with stretched-too-thin cotton
balls that were pathetically made to resemble a spider web. They had put up Dollar Store bought
skeletons and witches and little plastic pumpkins sat at the receptionist desk. Margaret, my favorite
front desk warrior, was sorting mail when I walked by.

“Hey sexy!” she exclaimed, “You had me worried when the doctor called here. You okay?”

She had by this time abandoned her mail and had jumped in front of me. I rolled my eyes and
tried to maneuver around her. Margaret wasn’t no skinny white bitch, so it was going to be tough.

“I asked if you were okay!”

“Oh my, did you get your hair done?” I remarked, dropping my bag and picking her hair. She
smacked my hand.

“Don’t try and shamelessly flatter me. I asked you a question.”

“You did get your hair done? It’s so elegant. I love how the curls swivel down your neck…”

“Kenny!”

I laughed.

“Yes, I am okay. Just had a rough week last week.” I answered picking up my bag, “Can I go to
my office?”

Margaret smiled and walked back to her desk.

“And yes, I did get it done. Thanks for noticing.”

I returned the smile and walked down the hall into my office. Before I reached it, I had stopped
at the conference room I had officially met Chris in. My mind ran back to that day and I abruptly
snapped back to reality. My office was cold and a mess. Apparently a temp had been hired to work while
I was out and it made me a tad bit upset. These people didn’t have the slightest decency to clean up
before I returned? But then again, it didn’t baffle me too much given who was in charge. Disaster and
uncertainty thy name is Frank Hudson. I threw my bag on the floor beside my desk and then threw
myself into my chair. It felt so good to be back at work and as I smiled and cut on my desktop, I noticed a
stamped document with Gary Stapleton’s signature on it. A laugh came out and I tossed it aside. That’s
when the knock came at my door. It was Frank.

“Good morning, Frank.” I greeted, still smiling. Frank nodded and walked in, closed the door and
sighed.

“First, how are you feeling?” he started softly and slowly.

“First? What is this, the number game? I’m good, have an appointment with a psychiatrist this
afternoon.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear you are getting help.”

“Yes, yes I am. Did you need something? I thought there was a ‘second’?”

Frank sighed again and then pulled out some papers from his back pocket.

“Second, before you get too comfortable, it came to our attention that you don’t have a degree
in law.”

I leaned forward on my desk with the most confused look on my face.

“You knew that when you hired me.”

“Well, HR is cracking down on us to have the proper documents for our employees.”

“Proper docu- wait, are you firing me?”

I stood up and walked over to face Frank.

“Kenny, we can’t afford any type of liability.”

“You mean to tell me that for the week I was off, you found someone to do my job and because
I tried to commit suicide with a failed attempt obviously, you don’t want that ‘liability’ that I may do it
again. Let me guess, Gary put this in your mind?”

“This has nothing to do with your job performance or Gary at all.”

“Really?” I blurted out, walking to my desk and holding up the document I found, “Then why
was he in my office?”

Frank didn’t speak. He just walked to my desk and placed the papers down he was holding and
took a pen from his chest pocket and placed it on top. I stared at the papers that read, ‘Termination of
Employment’. Frank was saying something to me; some bull about it has nothing to do with my life. I just
stared of the papers and got a glimpse of Gary slowly walking by my office. Anger rose in my blood and I
completely stopped hearing Frank. Abruptly I took the pen, signed all the papers, picked up my bag and
walked out the office. Margaret was on the phone when I stormed passed and she looked like someone
just killed her dog. When I got on the elevator, I was alone. I had to go down a few floors, so I dropped
my bag, hugged myself and cried.

“Wow, you have any idea what you are going to do next?” the doctor asked. I shook my head.
Until now, I wanted to sue those bastards but I didn’t have the energy to go through all that.

“Just find something new.”

“How about you go back to school?”

I sat up in amazement and looked at my head doctor.

“School?”

“Yes, finish the degree you were going for.” He started, “Or go for something new. It’s great to
have a degree in these days. The percentage in people with degrees who are unemployed is four
percent.”

“How will I pay for my rent?”

“File for unemployment and start looking for a new job, while you continue your education.”

I looked at my doctor for a second, took in a huge sigh and hugged myself again. For once, I had
a plan and it seemed to be one that would work well for me. I looked at the clock and noticed that my
time was officially up and so I raised my body up and smiled at Doctor Jonny Anderson. He looked at me
with a bit of astonishment and then returned the smile.

“You feeling okay to go?” he asked slowly. I stretched and nodded a yes. He then stood along
with myself and extended his hand.

“Thanks for the help, doc.” I ended as I met his hand with mine.

“Anytime, and remember that you have friend’s that care deeply for you. No matter what.”

I never thought of how my suicide attempt actually affected my friends’. They seem to have kept
their opinions and feelings to themselves to spare my feelings, I suppose. As I was escorted out the
office and into the lobby, I saw the man who was agitated he had to wait for his appointment to arrive.
This short fat and balding white man pushed past me and right into the doctor’s face before I could say
good bye. Before I cursed him out, I saw Jonny look at me; smile and wave then shut his door.

“He has a boyfriend.” Emily coldly remarked, not looking up from her computer. I gave her back
a puzzled look and proceeded out the door. I got to the elevator and started remembering Junior’s
conversation with me after I left work. When the elevator door chimed, I was in a trance.
 The elevator opened and Junior and I walked in. I was carrying a cardboard box with Teddy’s
belongings and he had a plastic bag full of crap, if I may say so myself. I stood along the right side of the
elevator as he leaned past me and pressed the button that had ‘L’ on it. The elevator chimed again and
closed the doors, leaving us the only two in there.

“So much for the silver lining.” I started, breaking the ice.

“It can only get better. For all of us, that is.”

The elevator chimed that it was passing the next floor, eleven.

“Do you think he did it?” My heart raced from asking the question.

“Yes, I do.” Junior answered not breaking stride.

“What?”

“He did do it, there is no doubt about it,” He looked at me in the eyes now, sensing I was
confused at his response, “But, I know he is not guilty. That boy was saved and it was because Teddy
was there.”

I sighed and rested my forehead on the box as I heard the chime go off again.

“He’s going to be put away for life won’t he?”

Junior then fell silent.

“Never mind, I can’t think about that right now.” I recanted, “I need to start worrying about
getting another job, which is going to be hard in this stupid ass economy.”

“You ramble when you’re scared.” Junior interrupted, “All you need to do is pray.”

Prayer is something I haven’t heard of in a while. I wasn’t scared at the fact that God wouldn’t
hear my prayer; I was scared that when he did, I would get an answer I didn’t want. We reached the
lobby level and when the doors open, I inhaled deeply and waddled out first. The box was a bit heavy,
but I was a man and could take it. Laugh out loud to myself. My arms were burning from holding this
anvil. I dropped the box and panted. Junior stopped and looked at me.

“Too heavy for the princess?”

“Fuck you.” I hissed.

Junior laughed.

“I was wondering when you were going to say something. Let’s switch.”

“No, no, I got it. Just…need to catch…my breath first.”

 I saw Junior roll his eyes and he handed me the plastic bag full of crap. When I grabbed it, it felt
like wind in my arms. He picked up the box and we started back walking toward the front doors. I would
miss this building, and Teddy’s job at ‘Senator’s Loan and Trust’; they had the best employee parties. We
walked out the Providian Financial Building, just down the street from my old job and directly beside
Junior’s place of work which was on Main Street, when Junior spun around to face me. It was magic how
he did that without dropping the box full of bricks.

“You are more selfish than anyone I know!” he stated, softly but sternly. My eyes were open
wide in attention and confusion.

“What-?”

“I know what suicide can do to the people who care, and you apparently forgot that little bit of
information.”

My face started turning red and I lowered it in shame. I had forgotten his son’s mother had
committed suicide and it took a toll on Junior and his son, Madison.

“What’s worse, you got out the hospital and didn’t say shit to anyone!” Junior’s voice was
louder now. I crept closer to him as he stepped backwards.

“Junior, I’m sorry but you have to understand that I was going to call you guys but-“

“But what? Tonya got a call. So again, but what?”

“So you know?”

“Of course I know, and it serves you right. Secrets hurt more than yourself, Kenny.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I just looked with a blank expression at my friend. He inhaled
deeply and turned back around.

“I take it that you will drop these things at Teddy’s house?” he asked, dejectedly. All I could do
was nod, but remembered that his back was to me.

“Yes,” I got out, “After I leave the shrinks office.”

“Fine, where did you park?”

The elevator door flew open and the sound of the doors against the metal snapped me out my
trance. Tears had swollen up in my eyes, and my nose was stinging. All of my might was telling my body
to turn around and walk back into the office and demand to wait on gay doctor Jonny Anderson, but my
mind made my feet walk into the elevator. After dreadful traffic, an hour and a bridge later, I walked
into Teddy’s apartment on the corner of Shellmound and 64 th. I carried the two ton weighing box up
two flights of steps and slammed it down in the living room. When I cut on the lights, I sighed. I wished
my apartment was as stylish as his. He had African paintings hung over the entertainment system; which
housed a flat screen, a stereo system and three different types of game systems. His color of choice was
to match the building outside, Maroon and gold. I walked into the bedroom, which was matching with
the living room; a king size bed, vanity mirror, long oak dresser and a mirrored wall. A laptop computer
was nestled under the bed, a secret I have always known, and I quickly pulled it out and logged on. It felt
good to stretch across a big bed and even better when it was by myself.

I surfed online for a moment; checking my email on yahoo, seeing who messaged me on BGC-
Live (the ‘chat’ site for black gay men), and Facebook. All these endeavors served to be fruitless. No one
said anything to me but it was to be expected. My popularity had dwindled over the months especially
when I got a man. The URL found the page ‘Google’ after I typed it in, and I searched for ‘Eric Jones’
which resulted in over forty two million results. I refined my search to ‘Eric Jones in Oakland’ and got
over three hundred thousand results. The first one was a golf site, which was clearly not what I needed. I
strolled past the ‘Eric Jones on Twitter’ and MySpace and then it jumped out at me like a spider in a
corner.

Minister Eric A. Jones; co-pastor of Solid Rock Baptist

I clicked on the link and up came a profile of this minister that put my friend behind bars for no
good reason. He was nice to look at I immediately noticed, with his coco brown skin, rectangular glasses
and award winning smile. Those teeth were whiter than snow, ironically speaking. I read past his having
a family, serving the lord and savior Jesus Christ at the tender age of four, being ordained at fifteen and
all that nonsense. The only contact information for him was a link to email him at the church. I cussed
and swiftly opened Whitepages.com. When I searched for him, nothing came up and I lowered my head
in defeat and shut the laptop in anger. What could Teddy possibly know anyways? I should be going to
the police not searching for his homophobe (I’m assuming) online. I slid the laptop back under the bed
and my hand touched a crumpled piece of paper.

“The hell?” I questioned, pulling it out and opening the ball.

HourMan.com helps you find the best escorts in the Bay Area.

I rolled my eyes, crumpled up the paper and threw it back under the bed. I knew Teddy got into
stuff like that, and there was the proof. But it didn’t concern me at the moment since I was startled by a
knock at the door. I opened the door in confusion, since everyone I knew that knew Teddy, knew he was
locked up.

“I presume you are Kenny Whitley?” asked a Tyrell Carter looking male in a brown suit.

“Good bye,” I snapped, shutting the door. The Tyrell Carter looking person slid his foot between
the door and the frame.

“I’m Theodore’s lawyer, Jacob Bellums.”

I swung the door opened and smiled.

“How are you doing? Thirsty? Need a drink?”

“May I come in?”

 “Hell yes!” I blurted out inadvertently and immediately turned red. Jacob smiled, blushed and
walked in. He came and sat on the maroon cushioned couch and smiled at me.

“He told me that he was worried about you.” He started.

“I’m fine,” I responded, walking to sit beside him, “He really is a good friend.”

Jacob nodded and gulped really hard, which caught my attention.

“He is on this kick that Eric Jones’s son is in danger.”

“You don’t believe him?” I asked, coldly as my ass found the couch. Jacob shrugged and looked
down at the floor.

“There is no proof to support his statement, and the police won’t even investigate since Mr.
Jones is a big figure in this area. They don’t want people to find out his brother was a rapist.”

“Or in their mind, a fag who rapes.”

“Something like that.” Jacob then looked up at me, “I could use that drink.”

I shot up and paced to the kitchen asking what he drunk. To my disappointment, he wanted
water. Even as I tried to sell some wine to him that Teddy had opened recently, he declined. I shrugged,
grabbed a bottle of water out the refrigerator and handed it to him. Somehow, a glass of wine found me
at the couch and was being sipped as Jacob spoke.

“The Jones family is going for the death sentence but I am trying to fight that case off and this
half thought scheme of Theodore’s won’t help.” He gulped some water, “But to be honest,”

He looked me in the eye.

“I think it is worth looking into. I was told your brother is in the armed forces?”

“Yeah, but he isn’t answering his phone for some reason. My mom doesn’t speak with him so
she isn’t any help and my dad doesn’t even know him. I have no way of contacting him expect by
phone.”

“Well, when he does, try and see if he can look up this Eric guy.”

I nodded, fished my phone out my pocket and opened it up. I had missed a text message from
Tonya asking if we were meeting at the Mount today, I replied ‘Yes’ and began texting my brother,
Malcolm Whitley to call me ASAP. There was an unsettling silence then and I gulped down the rest of my
wine and sighed. Jacob just sat there, clapping his hands together.

“Do you have somewhere to be?” I asked, impatiently. He shot a look of disgust in my direction.

“I’m off the clock now.”

 “Shouldn’t you be going home?”

Jacob nodded slowly like he was thinking it over and stood up.

“If you do get in contact with your brother, tell him to contact the wife, Kathy, she seems more
likely to listen to anyone.”

I looked up at him with a blank expression. The thought of contacting the wife had never
occurred to me.

“Kathy?”

“Yes,” Jacob started for the door and I followed him. Unexpectedly, he spun around and hoisted
me onto the wall sucking on my lips. This unwarned kiss got a deserving reaction. I wrapped my arms
around his waist and pushed him back. I wiped my lips in disgust and then shot the same look of disgust
at him.

“Are you serious?”

“I saw the look in your face when you opened the door.” He said, innocently, “You wanted me.”

“Did you see the first look I shot you when I first opened the door? That’s how I feel now. Good
bye.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I naturally thought you were in the same business as Theodore.”

“Whoring?”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“What is it you mean?”

Jacob didn’t reply, he lowered his head and speedily exited out of my site. When the door
slammed shut, I was left standing in the light, looking dumbfounded. William had left me, but was I
really ready to start doing the nasty that soon? I shook the thought off and noticed that it was almost
five and I still needed to find this church. It would be a good start, I thought.

Solid Rock Missionary Baptist was the official name of the two story, pearl stoned chapel with a
silver roof cross at the top. It was surprisingly close to Teddy’s house, only a seven minute drive down
Powell Street (which became Stanford Ave) and there sat the church snuggled between Lowell and
Stanford with trees and houses as its fortress. I parked on the street, slid on my sun glasses and walked
into the main building.

“Well bless your heart, sweetie, how can I help you?” a gentle, feminine voice bellowed out of
nowhere as I stepped foot into the hallway. The first thing I saw was a huge golden cross with a replica
of Jesus hanging from it. When I looked to my left at who was talking to me, it was an elderly black
woman with silvery hair that was in the style of a mushroom, or something sitting in a chair reading, you
guessed it, the Bible. She wore half moon shaped glasses with beads to hold them onto her body if she
took them off. She smiled tenderly as I approached her and removed my sunglasses.

“I was looking for Kathy Jones.” I said tenderly, not sure how to ask for the wife of the co-pastor.

“Oh, Evangelist Jones? She is in the library; you are welcome to go back. Here,” the lady stood
up, “Let me take you.”

We walked down what seemed like an endless hallway of huge bibles, scriptures, pictures of the
people in the church and golden crosses.

“I’m Ella, are you from here?” Ella asked as we turned down a hall filled with more pictures.

“No, ma’am,”

“Ma’am? Oh, my you must be from the south.”

I blushed and smiled.

“Florida.”

“You saved, son?”

“From what?”

We stopped in front of two wooden doors and she looked up at me over her glasses.

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?”

Wow, what a question to ask a stranger. But to bypass any further conversation with Miss Ella, I
lied.

“Yes ma’am,”

Ella beamed with joy.

“Evangelist Jones is in there.” And with that, she opened the door, “Kathy, this handsome guy is
here to see you.”

I saw Kathy look back from placing books on the shelf. She reminded me of a younger Clair
Huxtable, but much shorter.

“Thank you Ella,” Ella departed, “Come in, what’s your name?”

I stepped in and shut the door.

“Kenny, Mrs. Jones.”

 “Oh call me Kathy. What can I help you with? Membership?”

I shook my head.

“Your son.” I responded quietly.

Confusion swept across her face very quickly.

“Joey?”

“I never got a name, just that I should talk to you about his safety.”

Kathy placed down a book slowly, lowered her head and sighed.

“The guy we are pressing charges for, he’s your friend?” she asked with a mix of hope and fear.

“Yes ma’am.”

Abruptly, she looked at her watch and headed for the door.

“I am late to pick up my son from the BART. Meet me there, Ashby Station.” She ended quietly,
and walked out.

I found Kathy standing in a grey shawl wrapped around her shoulders and arms. My sunglasses
were on my forehead now, and I was still in the same brown leather jacket as I had been in at work. Her
face had fear written all over it and when she saw me, it multiplied. She walked toward the gates and
looked off in the distance. There weren’t many people there except for the man that walked into the
bathroom and the station agent which I think that helped her settle down.

“I never wanted to press charges,” she started without warning, “It was Eric’s idea. Said God
hates homosexuals’. He beat Joey that night when he thought that it would make Joey gay.”

“My friend, Teddy, thinks that your son may be in more danger. He hears in the jail he’s in that
the rape-“ Kathy’s face squeezed shut at the thought, “-sorry, but it was planned.”

Kathy looked at me now, unable to hold back the tears.

“You cannot scare me into dropping the charges on your friend.”

“I’m not,” I pleaded, honestly, “I am only a messenger. I was unconscious when all this
happened.”

“He was visiting you that night?” Kathy turned around and stared off again, “Jesse stopped by
unannounced that night and said he wanted to take Joey to the lake for his birthday. Joey loves Merritt
Bakery.”

Her voice was trailing off in silence and then her head lowered.
 “What kind of trouble should I look out for?”

“I have no clue, again, I am only the messenger.” I resenting saying, wishing I had more
information. There was a distant sound of a train braking underneath us and an automated voice
booming,

“Ten car train for San Francisco now boarding, platform two.”

“That’s Joey’s train.” Kathy whispered.

“Where is he coming from?”

“School. He plays basketball for his school.”

“Of course,” I muttered.

People began to crowd the station as they came up the stairs and escalators. It was the end of a
rush hour, and many business people with their suits, ties and brief cases slipped in their tickets in the
gates and zoomed past us. A teenager in yellow and white shorts and a number twenty five jersey
walked up.

“Hey, ma.”

Kathy touched his face from the other side of the gate.

“Joey,”

“You okay? Who’s he?” Joey exclaimed, shooting me a look.

“Yes, I’m fine honey, this is a future member of the church.” She lied. Joey nodded and I saw his
jersey had a yellow jacket on it.

“You go to Berkeley High?” I asked, excitedly. Joey nodded disgusted that I asked, “Do you know
a Madison Ross?”

“Yeah, he’s the captain of my team.” Joey looked at Kathy, “I have to pee, ma.”

And with that, he ran to the bathroom inside the station, and the sound of the door slamming
was echoed. Kathy turned to me.

“You become more and more closer to my family don’t you?” she asked with a sense of humor
in it.

“Can I help who I know?” I smiled.

“I will talk to Eric tonight about dropping the charges. This newly found hatred of his needs to be
brought before God and if I have to, the senior Pastor.”
 “Thank You.” I exhaled in relief, and she put her arms around me in a hug.

“God bless you, Kenny.”

But before I could respond, someone was yelling her name franticly from outside. My heart
dropped when the thought of it being her husband, but it was quickly replaced with confusion when I
saw it was Chris. He was waving and running as if a dog was chasing him.

“Chris, baby, what’s the matter?” Kathy asked, with so much worry that it frightened me. Chris
braced his body on his knees and panted.

“Where’s Joey?”

Kathy looked at me in horror and then at Chris.

“Why?” I asked and Chris looked up at me like I had just arrived.

“When did you get here?” He asked. Kathy jumped between us.

“He’s in the bathroom, but like Kenny asked, why?”

“How long has he been in there?” Chris asked.

I turned my head to the line that was forming outside the bathroom that Joey went into. Kathy
had said something to the effect of ‘Not long ago’ and Chris demanding to know how long. Something of
a trance over took me and I pushed the bike gate open to enter the station. Abruptly, the station was
yelling for me to pay but I wasn’t listening to her. My heart began beating like rapidly and my trace walk
became a trance sprint. I tried to pull open the bathroom door, but of course it was locked. Something
like a police officer was called as I franticly called out Joey’s name to open the door. That’s when a crash
was heard inside. Before I knew it Chris had appeared, pulled me back and the officer unlocked the
door.

The first thing I heard was the scream of a nearby person. A woman. Then Kathy screaming.
After that, I collapsed to the ground, hyperventilating. All sound was muffled and the site of more
officers running to the scene became blurry as my lungs closed up. A passenger handed me a brown
paper bag that his lunch was held in and kept repeating to me to breathe deeply. I saw Chris stare down
at me in remorse as he cradled Kathy who was screaming at the top of her lungs. The blood started
flowing into the lobby from the bathroom and from the almost headless Joey. His head leaned to the
right off his shoulders and it was apparent that his legs had been broken. I didn’t see enough to see
where this killer got out but I heard someone say an air vent.

Somehow I drove to Muir Beach in another trance of fear and utter misery. The sun had begun
to set and the fiery images of the ocean didn’t affect me like it normally does. I walked up on Junior and
Tonya laughing with Madison, who were all seated on the edge of the cliff. The Mount didn’t seem like a
happy place to me today and my expression showed it. Junior heard my footsteps first and turned
around.
 “Hey, cheater, the sun is almost done setting.” He started, “I brought Madison to be Teddy’s
replacement.”

I just stood there in shock and had no idea of what to say.

“Teddy pays for sex.”

“I just said Madison was here,” Junior remarked, coldly. My trance was broken and I noticed
Madison looking confused.

“Are you okay, Uncle Kenny?” he asked. As I shook my head, I looked around at Junior and
Tonya and told them about what had just happened and how Teddy had heard of this plan in jail. I
informed them that Joey went to Madison’s school and that there was indeed a killer in the Bay Area.
Junior tightened his hold on Madison without breaking his aim on me, and Tonya sat in disbelief. The
dreadfulness was the last thing I saw on everyone’s face as the sun completely vanished and darkness
swallowed us up.

End