Life of a Baiulus (Barca/Pietros )

He left, they told me.

Barca simply left.
There was not enough money to buy our freedom, to buy our new lives together. And he choose
to leave without me.
I have been a slave for so long, but not even the misery of slavery could ever compare to the
fact that he, the one I love, my cherished one simply left.
I don't understand.
We had talked about it so much. Out plans for the future, our lives together, our beautiful home
and our pets, out pigeons, perhaps as a symbol of the endurance of our love itself.
They too, fore stood the life in this ludus.
I had such faith in him. Why wouldn't I? He had cared for me, protected me, pleasured me,
taught me, and loved me.
What reason would I have to distrust him? He even told me truths he had kept from dominus
himself.
Wasn't that another way he had to show his commitment to me?
But he left.
And I cannot begin to understand.
And yet, yet I do. For what is the life of a slave, even a gladiator? Having to always bow to
another: without any options, without choice and decisions of our own.
This life as slaves is not a real life. Always being controlled, our life not even our own, being
nothing more than tools, not being the men we could have been.
He took his chance, to be his own man and e took it, he looked after himself, he choose to be his
own master.
And still
He left me here, with them.
How could he not have known what would happen to me among them? He was the one that
offered protection from others, the one who kept me safe from their fists and cocks.

Even though we came to be, he must have known that I would not be able to procure another
protector, that what happened between us was not the usual fare amongst the slaves in the
ludus.
I am not a fighter, able to protect myself from their attacks; I am not a seducer, trained to
beguile bodies and minds with my own being.
I am simply another server, a server of slaves, at that.
Perhaps I could understand, even forgive, the choice he made to leave by himself. But I will
never be able to forgive leaving without saying goodbye.
One last kiss would have made this pain more bearable. One last kind word, a sigh of regret,
would make up a little for all the pain in my heart and make me able to ignore the pain in my
body.
Was I not worth a second look?
Perhaps I wasn't.
That's why these hideous new slaves come at me.
They use me, they hurt me, in mind and body, but that pain is nothing compared to the pain his
departure left. Because to him I was supposed to mean more.
These slaves are nothing, in the same way I'm nothing. They are dirt, as I am.
Does it matter what any of them do to me?
One of them is after me, he can see how weak I am and will use it at his advantage.
He has hit me before and the champion asked about it, but what, really, will he be able to do? he
is the Champion only until te next one comes, Crixus can bear witness to that.
He comes at me now, once more, he fucks me ahain, and I bleed, is this all my life will ever be?
Used and abused by those stronger than me? Left by those I love?
Over and over again until the day l die.
I can't say no, I can't fight back. There is nothing left for me, but this life as a slave.
I have no choice.
Except, I do...
I could change all of this. I could make my life different. I could keep them all away.
There is one choice I can make.

The one that will set me free.