Newman Lines

1. "I guess I can live with a LITTLE Jerry if it will get me a LOT of Elaine." (followed by salacious
sound-effect)
2. "Hello, Jerry"
3. "I hear youve got a lipreader working for you."
4. "Last one, wanna suck the pit?"(this occurs when Kramer regains his taste and wants a peach but to his
astonishment the last one was purchased and devoured by none other than Newman)
5. "he likes Beefereno!"
6. "Ahh! Oh, the humanity!" (After his postal truck erupts in flames in the cab while driving down the freeway)
7. "Jambalaya!!!" (Running out of the "Soup Nazi" store)
8. "She wasnt my type!"
9. "Yeah, youre nipple is showing."
10. "where are the papayas?"
11. "He shall get what he deserves!!" ( LAST EPISODE)
12. "He was moving on her like storm troopers into Poland" ( Referring to Jerry and his girlfriend smooching during
Schindlers List)
13. (response to a Jerry remark): "Hillaaarious."
14. "I was never big on creeds"
15. "I know Jerry, I know"
16. "Good night...Jerry"
17. "The whole place will be swarming with postal workers, well have the mail being delivered by noon"
18. "Three times a lady"
19. "Oooh....CHUNKYS"
20. "Once..Twice..Three times..OH THE HUMANITY"
21. "Excellent (takes a puff of his cigar) Excellent"
22. "Im doing it for you."(telling Elaine hes getting a vasectomy for her)
23. "Hawaii. The most sought after postal route of them all. Where the air so dewy sweet, you dont even have to lick the
stamps."
24. Newman: "Is this not your signature?"
Jerry: "No as a matter of fact its not."
Newman: "Uncle Leo?(as he looks down at the form) This case is closed pending further evidence."
25. Newman: (under a hot lamp-sweating) "Its sure hot under these lights, isnt it Seinfeld."
Jerry: "Actually Im quite comfortable" (Jerry holds his Mug rootbeer)
Newman: "Can I have a sip?"
Jerry: "No." (casually)
26. "Kramer-Butter-Kramer-Butter..."(Newman thinks about Kramer as being food)
27. "Ooh, how Ive longed for this moment, Seinfeld. When I get the proof I needed to haul you out of your cushy lair!
And expose you to the light of justice as the monster that you are! A monster so vile-"
28. Jerry: "Newman, you wouldnt eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce."
Newman: "I love broccoli. Its. . .good for you."
Jerry: "Than you wouldnt mind trying piece."
Newman: "Gladly." (Newman takes broccoli. Chews it, then spits it out) VILE WEED!!"
29. "I find you extremely ugly....you emit a foul and unpleasant odour... I loathe you!"
30. "Keith Hernandez?! I despise Keith Hernandez!"
31. "Im leaving...Jerrys a nut!"
32. "somebodys got something on the griddle!"
33. "its that damn alien autopsy thats grabbin all the headlines"
34. "I had a girlfriend, and she was pretty wild"
35. "I dont work in the rain!"
36. "son of sam, the most psychopathic mailman the postal service has ever produced"
37. "Its raining" - (When George has the deal with Newman for the calzones and Newman is home)
38. "Damn you Seinfeld!"
39. Newman: "Who owns Bermuda?"
Kramer: "The english"
Newman: "Lucky Crouts!"
40. Newman: "You know Jerry, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us."
Jerry: "Im not the one doin the cookin."

Newman: "You useless postule."

41. "Let me be perfectly blunt, costanza!"
42. "Nice place you have here, Kramer--a man can really get some thinking done" (emerging from bathroom, after
Kramer and Jerry have switched apartments)
43. Newman (to Jerry, when he want to cheat on Risk): "Ya wanna hang out?"
44. Newman: "Jerry, Im a little insulted."
Jerry: "Youre not a little anything, Newman."
45. "I just hope Tim Watleys electric bills dont suddenly get lost in the mail... or it could be LIGHTS OUT for him."
46. Newman: "Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld."
Mrs. Seinfeld: "HELlo, NEWman."
47. "You worthless pustule."
48. Mrs. Seinfeld: "Jerry was necking during Schindlers List?"
Newman: "Yes, and a more disgusting spectacle Ive never seen."
49. (when Kramer wants to cancel his mail) "You dont know the half of what goes on here. Just walk away, Kramer, I
beg of you."
50. (Newman is led into the "interrogation" room with a bucket over his head) Kramer: "NEWMAN?"
Newman: "Tell the world my story."
51. "Love is a spice with many tastes--a dizzying array of textures and moments."
52. (Newman is talk show sidekick, running out of things to say) "Lately, though, Ive been buying the generic brand of
wax beans. You know, I rip off the label--I can hardly tell the difference."
53. "GO, GIRL!!!"
54. (about rickshaw scheme) "Its the romance of the hansom cab without the guilt or the dander."
55. (to Kramer, pulling rickshaw) "Mind your pace, boy--chop, chop!"
56. (when Kramer finds out hes a scofflaw) "Help me, Kramer, help me!!"
57. "Ah, yes, forbidden love!"
58. "Pam--I dont know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching."
59. "And therein lies the tragedy..."
60. "One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreadful, workaday lives..."
61. "I wont allow your love to go unrequited--like mine."
62. Newman is jumping in pool: "Olly, olly oxen free!"
63. "Oh you weak, weak man!"
64. Newman as "The Cleaner": "If Im curt, I apologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here--and time is of the
essence."
65. "The man makes a pretty strong bird."
66. "Its the wood that makes it good."
67. Elaine wants the fur coat she threw out the window back; Newman says: "Sorry, climbers keepers!"
68. Newman comes in Elaines apartment: "This is very much as I imagined it to be--aside from this rattan piece, which
seems oddly out of place."
69. "Oh how Ive waited for this moment--but alas, my heart belongs to another mans wife, and Ive given the fur coat to
her."
70. Kramer: "Whered you learn to climb trees like that?"
Newman: "The Pacific Northwest."
71. "Ive been evicted... Im gonna be out in the street dancin for nickels!"
72. "For me, the next millenium must be--Jerry-free!"
73. Newman and Kramer are arguing about whos going to have the millenium party; Newman says: "Cancel? Think
again, Longshanks! I started planning this party in 1978."
74. "One large jumbalaya, please!"
75. "Jerry, Jerry--somethings happened to the soup nazi--Elaines down there makin trouble... No more soup, Jerry--no
more soup for any of us!!"
76. "I cant eat fruit--it makes me incontinent."
77. Newman (re Martin, the guy in a coma): "Ill bring him up to date."
Jerry: "HOW up to date?"
Newman: "ALL the way up."
78. (re Drakes coffee cake) "Boy--thats the full size."
79. "I dont care much for the beach--I freckle."
80. "They did it right in this bed, Martin--right in front of you! It was disgusting!!"
81. "June 14, 1987, Mets-Phillys..."
82. "Then, a second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way from that day forward..."

83. "You know why you cant park front first? It signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos! It reduces us to jungle
law!"
84. Jerry is delivering Newmans mail; he asks how to get envelopes that say "Photo--Do Not Bend" into mailboxes.
Newman laughs: "DO NOT BEND--ahh hahaha! Just crease, crumple, cram--youll do fine!"
85. "Ill never get to Hawaii. Ill be stuck in this building forever. The dream has died."
86. Newman is trying to convince Kramer to help him get out of a speeding ticket: "Well let me remind you of
something--you wouldnt even BE here today if it wasnt for me and my helmet. I SAVED YOUR LIFE--you would
be DEAD--DEAD--you would CEASE to exist--you would be GONE for the REST of eternity! Can you even BEGIN
to comprehend what that means??!!"
87. Newman is testifying in court: "I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday--I do charity work for the
blind in my spare time, for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesee with an old blind man when I
excused myself to call my friend, as he was very depressed lately, because he never became a banker."
Judge: "I dont understand."
Newman: "You see, it had been his lifelong dream to be a banker and just the day before he was turned down by
another bank--I believe it was the Manufacturers Hanover on Lexington & 40th Street..."
88. "Yes, I admit I was speeding--but it was to save a mans life--a close friend, an innocent person, who wanted nothing
more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker!"
89. (Newman and Kramer are working on a reason for Kramer being suicidal--Newmans trying to get out of a speeding
ticket) Kramer: "I was never able to become a banker."
Newman: "Banker--youre killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a BANKER have gone unfulfilled.
You-you-you cant LIVE without being a banker!"
Kramer: "Yeah, yeah--if I cant be a banker, I dont want to live!"
Newman: "You MUST be a banker!"
Kramer: "MUST be a banker!"
Newman: "OK, well go with the banker story."
90. Newman, to Jerry: "HiLARious!"
91. "Quick... honey mustard!" (after eating a piece of brocolli)
92. "Freebies!"
93. "Alright, alright you go ahead, you go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this, when you control the mail,
you control, INFORMATION."
94. Hello Jerry. May I come in?
95. You really think you can manipulate that beautiful woman like the half soussed night club rabble who lap up your
inane "obeservations" (PAM Episode "Jokeboy")
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