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http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/3558131.
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M/M
One Direction (Band)
Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Nick Grimshaw/Louis
Tomlinson, Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles, Nick Grimshaw/Harry
Styles
Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Nick Grimshaw, Liam Payne, Niall
Horan, Zayn Malik
Angst, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Infidelity,
mentions of self harm, Lots of drinking, sad boys being sad, the
pressure of religion on sexuality, Louis is very broken, everyone is
very broken, but louis is so sort of the most broken, sexy times kind of
as well
Published: 2015-03-16 Words: 15085

Forget the Dragon, Leave the Gun on the Table

by thenleavetheband
Summary

Louis figures out that the best way to banish Harry Styles from his boyfriends mind is to
fuck him. Sometimes it helps Louis forget him too.
In which Louis is sad and Nick is angry and Harry thinks they're both the most beautiful
people he's ever seen.

Notes

So this is about how they all love each other and how they're all so broken that that love
doesn't really shine the way it's supposed to. I haven't been doing too good and this has
just been sitting on my laptop so I apologise profusely for the millions of mistakes it
probably has, and the very little sense it probably makes.
Warnings: Mentions of self harm, drugs, alcohol, homophobic language, internalised
homophobia, everyone's a little ooc because they're all so terribly sad.

See the end of the work for more notes

Its fucking hot outside. Which makes no sense, since its the middle of the fucking night, but
Louis just smiles and tilts his head up to the stars as the smell of smoke and alcohol and the faint
whiff of puke, surrounds him. The circle gradually grows as people, random fuckers, sit down
next to other people, all eyes fixed firmly on the bottle in the middle.
Nick idly draws various patterns on Louis thigh, his fingers creeping slowly upwards, and Louis
shuts his eyes against the scene, to just feel for a moment. Nicks breath is hot against Louis neck
as he kisses across Louis jaw, and Louis tilts his head to the side just basking in it for a moment.
Theres not a single doubt in his mind that when he opens his eyes, Styles will be staring right
back at him.
Which, unsurprisingly, he is. The perv. Louis doesnt like it. He thought maybe it was Nick he
was watching at the beginning, the tendons in Styles neck shifting as he swallows whenever
Louis and Nick get particularly outward in their displays of affection.
Now Louis think maybe Styles was watching him. Or at least, him and Nick together.
Louis has no fucking clue why hes compelled to watch Styles watch them. Its just his big green
eyes, so full of the romanticised bullshit that he spouts, wont leave Louis and it fucks with his
head. So, all Louis does, all Louis ever does, is just stare right back.
Then the bottle spins and various combinations of people smash together, some disgustingly
sloppy, whilst others kiss in a way thats too explicitly tender for this game. Its those people Louis
vows to keep his eye on. Its always good to know where peoples weaknesses lay he finds.
He ignores Styles.
Nicks bantering behind him with Finchy and the night isnt getting any fucking cooler, but
whatever. Louis halfway to drunk and hes pretty certain Niall will appear from nowhere in a
minute with some pizza and a bag of weed, so Louis sees no reason to move. He just feels.
He watches Liam nervously glance at Zayn as the bottle spins on his count and cant help but roll
his eyes. Louis doesnt need to keep his gaze focused to see Liams eyes droop when the bottle
spins right past Zayn, landing instead on some dirty looking red head who starts crawling towards
Liam the moment the bottle stops. Louis pushes down the protective rush that comes whenever
something happens to Liam he doesnt quite feel comfortable with. The kids too nave to look out
for himself; doesnt mean Louis has any idea why he started to watch his back.
Its just that Liams good, a really nice kind of good and this world full of people- these people in
particular- arent good enough for him.
Whenever Louis catches Liam staring at him with even the slightest bit of adoration he punches
him hard on the arm.
Kids gotta learn.
Louis gaze snags on Zayn as an older looking guy, with a nasty looking goatee, starts groping
him in the middle of the game. Its not really surprising. Theres a whole load of shit going on in
Zayns family that makes Louis think his best friend would fuck a fucking shark just to forget
things for a few minutes.
Nick turns Louis head, bites at his bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. Louis rolls his eyes and
leans into the following kiss that Nick drops onto his mouth. Nicks practically begging for his
attention, a plea for Louis to actually respond to his efforts. Louis doesnt.

He never does, not on Nicks watch, not anymore.

He's become a lot more picky about when theyll have sex now. The weird need for control over
his and Nicks fucking came out of nowhere, but its not something Louis feels he can focus on or
examine too closely. He's pretty certain he knows the reason. It's sat opposite him with gangly legs
and stupid fucking curly hair. It's not that Louis doesn't still think Nick's hot as shit, it's just he
worries that there might be a moment, a tiny fleeting moment, where Nick's eyes flash green and
it's a deep, honey dripped tone of voice he hears calling his name with Nick's dick in his arse. And
Louis' not really down for that.
In all honesty, hes not even sure why Nicks still with him. Not because Louis wants Nick to
leave; hes so irrationally co dependent on his boyfriend its not even funny, but because hes
pretty certain that Nicks desperately trying to fix a problem Louis doesnt even fully understand
and its got to be getting tiring. As an apology and a desire, Louis lets Nick pull him between his
legs, relaxing back as Nicks hand rests against his stomach.
Louis looks over at the circle just in time to watch as the guy drags Zayn away, pulling out some
perfect looking white powder from his pocket.
Fuck, Louis breathes and makes to move away but Nicks arms clamp even tighter around his
stomach. Fuck off Nick,
You fuck off, Nick retorts, nipping Louis earlobe. You stop him from leaving he wont forgive
you. Hell think youre patronising him.
So I let him take cocaine from a skanky fucking creep.
Pretty much.
You suck.
Whatever. Nick kisses behind his ear.
Louis watches Styles shift on his place on the floor, making as if to stand up before Liam pulls
him back down. Louis doesnt like that Styles and Zayn are friends. Or Styles and any of his
friends really. Quite frankly, he has no fucking clue how that even came about.
But Zayns a big boy now, and Nick isnt wrong when he says that Zayns head is so fucked, that
resentment is easy for him. Easy and comfortable and hes willing to turn it on anyone he can.
Louis narrows his eyes when Zayn walks past and mouths the word slut as viciously as he can,
hoping that even though it wont scare him, his cold stare will fucking alert Zayn to the huge
mistake hes about to make. Zayn doesnt respond. He doesnt even blink. Louis feels as though
he lost this round.
Louis looks back at the game when Nick begins to laugh, to see the bottle facing towards him, and
he smirks as he glances around to see who span it. Styles sits stunned and wide eyed on the floor
and when Liam inclines his head in a slight nod, Louis throws his head back and laughs even
harder. Nick will bitch at him later for it, but its a game and Louis can blame it on the alcohol and
oh God, he wants to play this game with Styles so badly.
Maybe this will finally make him crack. Maybe hell finally stop fucking staring and punch Louis
in the face. Some kind of reaction over than watchful, perverted curiosity would be fucking
brilliant.

Everyone knows that Harrys got some sort of religious preoccupation. Which is kind of weird for
someone who goes to a very dodgy English high school but whatever. Louis wonders when he
looks at him sometimes if hes just staring homophobia straight in the face. If when he kisses Nick
and Styles can't look away it's because he's imagining them both in hell. It helps Louis to think
that that's why he watches; he doesn't like considering the alternative.
Styles has come a long way from what Louis remembers. The first couple of parties that Styles let
Niall drag him too, he sat there smiling at everyone and refusing to touch even a drop of alcohol.
Now, he's got dark circles under his eyes and Louis' already seen him smoke a packet of
cigarettes. It's weird. If you looked at him, the last thing you'd think was innocent. But bearing
around him, even sitting near him, it's one of the first things you apply to Styles' pretty face.
Louis crawls away from Nick and into the middle of the circle perching himself down to sit on his
knees. Someone wolf-whistles and hollers Louis name, and Louis turns his head over his
shoulder grinning as Nick pushes the random guy away and then flickers his eyes down to where
Louis knows that black lacy thong Nick got him for his birthday is peeking out. His arse must
look great from this angle.
When Louis turns back around, Styles kisses him. And fuck, that was not how it was meant to go.
He catches Louis by surprise, forcing him to take a minute to recover but long enough for Styles
to wind his huge hands in Louis hair and apply just enough pressure at the back of Louis neck to
make his mouth fall that little bit more open and Jesus fuck, when did Styles learn to kiss like this?
Hes such a good little Catholic boy, always preaching about love and romance and giving
random girls flowers in the school corridors.
In no time at all, Styles bites Louis lower lip, just like Nick a few minutes before and fuck if that
similarity doesnt make Louis possibly moan a little. Its when Styles gently slides his tongue into
Louis mouth that Louis eyes fly open in surprise, to find Styles own green ones staring back at
him.
With both of their eyes open, Styles gently kisses Louis bottom lip, as if he wants to apologise.
Kind of like he's asking for forgiveness.
The kiss ends as suddenly as it started, and Louis feels himself begin to pull away when Styles
leans his head briefly against Louis for a second.
Thank you Lou, he murmurs and Louis can smell the booze hes been drinking, fruity and
typically Styles, fan against his cheeks all hot and sticky. Hes not Louis friend, not really, he just
hangs round with Louis friends and makes them all laugh and bakes them fucking cookies or
whatever. But he says Louis name like hes a friend.
Styles moves away from him then, picking his drink up from the floor and walking away, his head
tilted back as he downs the rest of the bottle and then chucks it empty into a bush.
Fuck. Louis whispers.
Louis doesnt know what compelled him to go there. Actually, he does know. He needed
inspiration for his gothic horror drama piece, and he thought maybe a trip to the church would
light up that bit of his brain that sometime fizzes and boils until he types out whatever the hell it is
he needed to get out of his head. Louis doesnt expect him to be there. Its late on a Sunday,
everyones gone home.

Louis gets that he has faith. It kind of scares him a little how much he gets it. Styles is someone
who deserves faith, because faith is strength and purity and kindness and all that bullshit, and
Styles deserves it.
Styles is nice and that cant be fucking denied, no matter how much he irritates Louis. And funnily
its the one topic Louis has never pushed with him. Never even started, becauseWell, he doesnt know why. Faith is something Louis doesnt have, will never have. But with
Styles, well, Louis thinks hell believe until he dies.
You listen to me you son of a bitch.
Hes almost crying.
Louis presses his back to the stone wall, the open church door just to the right of him. Styles is
stood halfway down the rows of pews, his head flung back, like hes looking at the ceiling.
Looking directly at God. Louis isnt really sure what to do when Styles starts yelling at an empty
church.
She prayed for me. The woman I barely know, who I babysit for-for fucks sake. She sat me
down, gave thanks to you, and then prayed for me. She prayed for my heart, she gave thanks for
me. And the only thing I could think, the only thought that was running through my mind as this
woman, this beautiful kind woman asked you to help me, was would she do it if she knew? Cos I
personally, know she wouldnt. If she knew how I felt about boys. How I feel about them. Would
she have prayed for me then? Short answer, no. You fucker. What, was my mum and dad a
warning signal? Stop your faggy urges or bad shit will happen. I get it now. I dont want to be
gay. It is disgusting and wrong and I am sorry for it. But you need to help me. I am begging you.
All I have ever done, is loved you and praised you and understood you. You created me, you
gave me faith. I am wrong, and I know I am and I apologise. But I cant change it on my own.
Please. Take it away.
Louis has a sudden, violent urge to vomit. He exhales shakily and slides down the church wall,
the stones pricking and scratching at his back.
And maybe I will go to Hell for this. Styles continues, his voice trembling and thick. Louis
doesnt need to see him to know hes properly crying. Maybe being gay is a sin too great for you
to save me. But leave them out of it. Leave my mum and my sister, and Niall and Zayn and Liam
and, and, Louis. Even Nick. Please, dont hurt them because of my sin. I will defeat this. Because
if you so much as even hint at hurting them, anyone of them, but especially especially Louis, I
swear to God, if you cause him anymore pain, like with his dad Styles stops for a minute and
laughs, or maybe cries. Louis doesnt really know him well enough to differentiate.
Louis mouth drops open. There are lots of things about Styles that remain infuriatingly enigmatic
and Louis unable to twist the information out with cutting retorts and sharp looks. Because he
simply cradles Louis continued nastiness in his gentle hands and lovingly places it away, storing
it within himself until he can one day give it back to Louis with the same fire and ice he had
offered Styles in the first place.
Right from the first time Styles had moved to their school, had instantly hit it off with Zayn and
come to sit at their table at lunch, hed been unflustered by Louis cruelty. Louis could get him to
blush with his innuendos and sleazy comments, but whenever he started up with them, Styles
would whip out his own biting comments and effectively cut Louis off. Which pissed Louis off to
no fucking end.
Those words sound beautifully self-destructive though, spilling from his lips and Louis filled with

a craving so strong he almost allows himself to sate it. Louis wants to see him. Fuck, he wants to
know whether Style hair looks like hes been running his hands through it, or if its still perfectly
styled around that green headscarf he loves. Louis wants to know whether when Styles cries his
cheeks go red or his nose runs, he want to see the anger Styles directs to this almighty God and
have that same passion turned towards him. Louis wants Styles to strike him with the anger he
feels now.
Those thoughts make him gag. Nicks waiting for him at home. Probably chatting with his mum
about what theyre gonna do for dinner and whether Nicks planning on proposing any time soon.
Whilst Louis thinks about the boy in the church.
Thinks about ruining him in front of the eyes of God, and then when hes done, with Styles naked
and flushed beneath him, looking straight up at the stained glass ceiling and saying Look you old
man. This is fucking beauty.
Styles begins to sob again but this time, this time its real. Not little sniffles or howling cries, Harry
Styles is sobbing because of the hatred he feels for a part of himself he cannot change.
Louis never understood the term gather into your arms, but now, sitting outside, the stones of
the church wall still pressing into his back as he scribbles down the inspiration he found into his
tattered notebook, Louis realises theres never been anything hes wanted to do more.
Louis' grown used to homophobia. He and Nick are pretty infamous in their school and whatever
dickheads took the piss when they first started going out soon shut the fuck up when they realised
that Nick and Louis genuinely did not give one shit what they thought. Louis tries to imagine
thinking of what it be like to have the person you adore the most, the person you turn to the most
for comfort and love and guidance, tell you that what you are as a person is fundamentally wrong.
It hurts his head a little and makes his fingers itch to touch Harry, to reassure him.
When he gets to Nicks house, he pushes his boyfriend up against the wall and is both relieved
and terrified to find that his dick still gets hard just as quickly when they kiss, that his heart feels
like its going to beat out of his chest when Nick touches him in this way, that he still feels himself
whine when Nick finds that one spot on his collarbone that drives Louis crazy. He still is stupidly
in love with his boyfriend.
That night, when Nicks asleep, he Googles whether you can fancy two people at one time and
what the term lust really means.
The house party is one of Louis favourite types. Wild and stingy and completely disgusting.
Which is why its more than a little surprising when Styles appears at the door, leaning one elbow
on the door frame and wearing jeans that are fucking painted onto his skin, his top almost sinfully
unbuttoned.
He enters with his back straight and no wobble in his steps and all Louis can do is sit up from
Nicks lap and watch as he walks into the middle of the dance floor. Its then that Louis notices
the cigarette dangling from his fingers.
A fierce rush of protective anger bursts through him and he slips off of Nicks lap to make his way
towards him. He almost takes that first step when he remembers Nick and turns back to his
boyfriend. Theres a look on Nicks face that Louis really really does not like at all; its like weary
acceptance. Louis leans on the arms of the chair and kisses Nick fiercely, dropping his hand down
to Nicks crotch and palming at his dick whilst he licks and bites at Nicks mouth.

Later, I need you to fuck me really hard and then cuddle the shit out of me after yeah? Louis
demands, still petting at the outline of Nicks dick whilst he sucks a mark onto the soft skin on
Nicks neck.
So romantic Lou, Nick groans and Louis pulls away, patting Nicks cheek in a condescending
manner. He quickly turns back to Styles and glares at the fag between those pretty pink lips.
Hes ignored Louis since the last party, the atmosphere between the group made more than a little
awkward due to the kiss that meant a lot fucking more than it should have. That was what fucked
it all up, Louis knows. Styles kissed him and Louis head exploded.
What the fuck are you doing? Louis snarls when he reaches him.
He pulls the cigarette from Styles fingers and drops it on the carpet, allowing various heeled feet
to stamp it into the carpet. He turns to face Louis and for the first time since Louis met him, Louis
flinches.
His eyes, Styles stupidly, beautiful expressive eyes, are dead.
He says nothing, just smiles blandly at Louis and turns away. Louis hears Nick calling for him,
knows that he probably needs to go, he has to get up relatively early tomorrow and he needs to
stop this thing with Styles before it all goes to complete shit and Louis did promise Nick sex.
Which is a rare enough thing recently.
And then Harry fucking Styles happened.
He had a way of distracting Louis, the little fucker. Its not even that Louis wants to swap Nick for
Harry, break up with Nick to feel Harrys lips on his. He cant ever let go of Nick; hes in way too
deep for that. What he wants is to feel Harrys lips on his whilst Nick fucks him.
But nobodys that fucking lucky. And Louis sure as fucking hell does not deserve that.
Come with me. Louis doesnt ask and Styles doesnt respond, simply allows Louis to push him
into one of the upstairs bathrooms, angrily kicking out the horny couple dry humping in the bath
tub.
Aw Louis, you ruined their fun, he says blandly as he sits on the toilet seat, glancing around the
room.
Leave it out Styles.
He looks up at you, and arches an eyebrow. What?
This whole nothing-can-touch-me-bullshit. What are you playing at?
I dont really know how you can lecture me Louis. He replies bluntly, standing up and wobbling
slightly. He tries to step past Louis, only for Louis to push him back, smirking when Styles gropes
against the wall for balance.
Styles rolls his eyes at him and slides down the wall a little, a hand pushing away his curls from
his face. Go back to fucking Nick, Lou.
Jealous Styles? Or did you want to watch?
The words are out before Louis can stop them, an immediate reaction to Styles, something to catch
him out, make him lose his composure. And it almost works, for a brief second, Styles eyes

flicker with emotion and stupid hope rises in Louis chest only to be squashed again when he
looks back down and murmurs something to his legs.
Didnt quite catch that. Louis cant help but comment.
I said maybe.
Louis stares at him and he stares right back, unabashedly waiting for Louis reaction. Louis feel
sick and his heart begins to simply ache. Did he mean he was jealous? Or that he wanted to
watch? Jealous of who? Does he want to join in as well?
Louis loves Nick because when he touches him, he feels cleaner. Louis wants to touch Styles but
knows that he would leave dirt and poison in his wake.
Louis sneers at him, turning back towards the mirror. He cant look at him, he doesnt even want
to. He cant see him, he cant think about this, he cant
Styles hand touches Louis shoulder. His fingers and palm are sweaty, slightly too warm to feel
nice but his hand is huge, dwarfing Louis shoulder and the desperate longing Louis has felt
recently to feel those hands across his lower back is almost suffocating. He hears Styles huff out a
laugh before he turns away.
You shouldnt act surprised Louis, youve known for just as long as I have. You just dont let
yourself think about it,
Styles is pressed against the door in less than a second, his face unbearably close to Louis. His
eyes widen as Louis slides a denim clad thigh in between his legs, forcing them apart.
Dont say things like that Styles.
He smirks and looks down at Louis lips, unconsciously darting his tongue out to wet his own.
Why does it scare you-
His words are cut off as Louis bites at the skin of his neck, sucking and pulling with his teeth as
Styles head falls back on the door. Louis knows hes clenching around Styles skin way too hard
to be comfortable but Styles makes no sound, simply letting Louis mark him with submission.
Louis begins to kiss and suck and lick, unable to stop, pressing closer and closer, arching his thigh
up against Styles dick and hed always know that it would end up here eventually. God, he
couldnt stop it. His dry sob is muffled by Styles skin when Louis thinks of Nick. Of how much
he does love Nick. How much he wants him always, all the time.
Styles managed to wind his way into Louis world with a type of ease that no-one ever possessed,
not even Nick. He came with his smiles and his curls and completely fucked up Louis world and
Louis hates him for that. Fucking hates him. The desire to touch him and claim him was
something that had been born out of a hatred that had been born out of lust.
Styles hands tangle in Louis hair as he lavishes his neck with his tongue. He breathes hard, his
chest rising heavily and Louis can feel every single action, can practically hear the thump of
Styles heart.
Louis pulls away from him abruptly and grabs Styles chin, forcing him to look Louis in the eye.
Louis hand winds down to his dick and Louis squeezes hard, smirking as he gasps.
Quit fucking around Styles. Youre better than that.

Louis leaves him there, with a taste of something that he knows will continue. Out of obligation
and slight disgust at himself, he finds his way back to Nick and simply watches him for a moment,
wondering, achingly, if he could ever leave him. Louis knows the answer is no.
In many ways, Nick is undoubtedly his soul mate. He understands Louis in a way that he thought
was meant only for movies, is so solid and firm and beautiful in Louis world of dirt and hate. And
fuck, the two of them fought for what they had.
When Nick ran to London after a huge blowout argument, Louis caught the next train, tracked
him down and brought him back, kissing all over Nicks tired, sad face. When Louis felt
disgusting and awful, and a vile fucking excuse for a human being and tried to break up with
Nick, Nick would lock the doors and refuse, claiming over and over again that Louis was a prick
and a wanker and was fucking annoying as fuck, but he was Nicks. Always Nicks, forever and
ever.
But Styles, Styles didnt even touch Louis barriers. He just glided right through, bringing his
smiles and his laughter. And fucking chaos in his wake.
And all Louis ever wanted to do, since meeting him that first day, was destroy him. Rip him apart
so that he could piece him back together again and even then some of the pieces would be too
sharp for Louis to ever handle. Nick could, maybe. Nick was good with sharp things.
Louis never imagined that maybe whilst he ripped Styles apart, Styles chipped away at him in
return, gluing back the pieces that had broken long before the two of them had ever met whilst
simultaneously shattering everything Louis ever thought was perfect.
Harry wants to destroy him. As Nick watches Louis saunter his way over to him, his eyes running
over Louis hair and lips, it seems he is completely aware of it.
Louis first sees them together a few weeks after the house party.
And its not a sordid moment, he didnt walk in on them fucking or kissing or quoting
Shakespeare to each other. Louis in town, picking up some stuff for his mum when he sees them
in the local coffee shop. He found them sharing headphones and just listening to music together,
silently.
He doesnt know how it happened. Blocked Styles out enough at school to have missed the
moment he and his boyfriend decided that friendship was a thing they wanted to try now.
Nicks fingers tapping out the rhythm on his thigh whilst Styles sways in time to the music, his
eyes closed.
After a moment or two, his eyes open suddenly and find Nicks and Louis stumbles a little, the
wind knocked out of him as he watches them look at each other.
Nick wants Styles, wants Harry, and nothing has ever been more obvious and it makes Louis feel
sick because Nick belongs to him, and how dare Harry and a part of Louis wants to rip him
fucking out for doing whatever it is to make Nick look at him as if he could spend years trying to
figure him out, but then at the same time, Louis needs Nick to stop watching him.
Styles is for Louis eyes only. Louis wants to be the one watch to watch him with no restrictions.
It makes Louis want to punch the wall that Nick was able to elicit that look of something close to
content with nothing more than what is a probably a depressing as fuck hipster song on his Ipod.

Louis looks at the two of them together and imagines them kissing. He imagines them kissing and
then them kissing him, and then them all moving together, all touching each other with hands
everywhere and gasps and moans and Styles completely bare for him and Nick, and him and
Nick alone and Louis wants it so badly he cant breathe.
He walks away when he realises that Nick and Harry make way more sense that he and Nick or
he and Harry ever did. Thatd fit together endlessly better. That, as a couple, theyd be perfect.
Louis doesnt bring it up with Nick. Maybe he would of done a couple of months ago, maybe
even a couple of weeks ago, but everything is changing now and Louis has no idea how to stop it.
He kisses Louis and Louis can tell what he wants; they havent had sex, proper long sex, in
weeks.
Louis doesnt know why he doesnt want it. A part of him still craves Nick, longs for him so
fiercely that his heart aches and his throat constricts. But he just cant. Louis wants to decide when
and where and how, he needs to be in control of it, because sex is so intimate. So terribly personal
and how in the name of Christ, can he let someone else initiate something that could be his
downfall?
Especially when he saw Nick look at someone else in a way that Louis had thought was meant for
him alone.
He stares Louis down.
Hes adamant that this, this is something Louis will not be right about. This argument is one that
will forever be Zayns to win.
Louis flicks the razor between his fingers, resisting the urge to grimace as it nicks his middle
finger. He feels the trickle of blood run down and rest between his fingers, pooling there before
continuing down onto his palm. Louis never looks away from him.
Zayns room is a tip.
Louis and Liam ripped it apart trying to find the razor or knife or scissor or whatever the fuck it
was the Zayn used to slice himself open.
He looks betrayed, furiously betrayed. And Louis has no good explanation, no honest reasoning.
He just needed him to stop.
Louis doesnt know why he started, but he has a pretty good idea (his phone is ringing and he
reaches past nick to answer it and its zayn and hes crying and hes outside and when Louis goes
downstairs, zayn is covered in bruises and blood because his dad had been so so mean this time
and zayn had fallen asleep curled on Louis chest with nick tucked up behind Louis and it was just
all so fucked and Louis was crying as nick kissed his neck and when zayn breathed there was this
awful moaning sound deep in his chest) and all Louis can imagine now is Zayn having to explain
in twenty, thirty years why his arms and thighs are littered with thick white scars.
He doesnt speak. Not through Louis harsh words or Liams mumbling apology.
He listens and stares until they have no choice but to leave. Liam refuses, standing vigilant and
Louis sighs.
He shows no compassion. He simply looks meaningfully at Liam and then walks over to Zayn

and scratches down his upper arm.

He makes no sound.
See how easily I hurt you Zayn? Thats because Im a normal fucking human being. When Im
hurting I take it out on other people. Stop hurting yourself to try and ease the pain you already
feel; thats bullshit.
Louis tucks a smoke between Zayns slightly parted lips and leaves him there, wincing when he
glances back towards the door to see Zayn stumble into Liams arms, screaming against his chest.
Liams been in love with Zayn for as long as Louis can remember, and Zayns been spiralling into
a place Louis not sure anyone can pull him back from for an equal amount of time. Louis hopes
that when Zayn goes, when his best mate finally disappears to that place Louis cant follow, hell
leave Liam behind. The world needs more people like Liam Payne.
Louis doesnt remember the day he and all of his friends lost Harry Styles, properly.
Maybe there wasnt a specific point, Louis has no idea. Harry stopped wearing those stupid little
flower crowns and slipped into outfits that would make whores blush. Even his singing voice
changed, became broken and rugged and the songs he sang, no matter how cheerful the lyrics
seemed, darkened when he stood behind the mike. Really spiced up the schools choir, that was
for sure.
He wore his sadness openly, unafraid of the stigma. Why should he care? He had already fallen
down the rabbit hole, he didnt care about the light at the top anymore.
Louis days were spent staring at him. Watching his every movement, because he wanted to be
sure that if the old Harry did come back, he wouldnt miss his appearance. Not that new Styles
wasnt sexy as fuck, he was- but sometimes Louis heart pounded desperately for a nave smile or
a word of kindness he truly didnt deserve.
This Styles never showed him such kindness.
When Nick confronts him about it, the constant staring, Louis isnt entirely sure of how to
respond. Part of him wants to slap Nick and scratch him and fuck him and maybe even walk off,
which would be possibly the strangest thing he would ever have done in their entire relationship.
Louis never walked away, never backed down.
Nick throws accusations gently, each word more timid than the word before because he doesnt
want to say the words hes thinking, he doesnt even want to hear them out loud.
Louis begins to open his mouth, to yell at him, demand to know why he would ever think that
Louis would stray, how he could ever even ask him that when Louis seen the fucking way Nick
stares at Harry too. And Louis might watch Harry because he wants to wreck him, but Louis
pretty sure, fuck.
Hes pretty sure Nick stares more frequently at Harry because he wants to learn to love him.
Louis has no doubt that if they were given time, Nick and Harry would be devoted to each other
in months and it makes Louis wants to fucking scream.
But he doesnt. Instead he kisses Nick hard and drags him down a darkened alley, falling with no
grace or style, to his knees. His shock at Louis decision to initiate this, at Louis final willingness

to give him this, clouds Nicks mind and Louis can practically see the thoughts of Styles fly far far
away.
Louis reminds himself to breathe as Nick pushes him forward and Nick reminds himself of how
much he had fucking missed Louis and Nicks hands wind in his hair and Nicks lips form words
he kind of hates to hear.
Louis figures out that the best way to banish Harry Styles from his boyfriends mind is to fuck
him. Sometimes it helps Louis forget him too.
Louis has absolutely no idea how he ended up at his house, or even why it was his house he went
to. Nick keeps calling him, Louis can feel his phone vibrating in his jeans pocket, and he bites
down hard on the inside of his cheek to stop from pulling it out and answering it. He wants to
walk away, he wants to answer his phone and make up with his boyfriend who he loves so
stupidly much.
He doesnt do that though.
When the door flings open, he wishes he had a camera. He wishes he had a camera, a video
recorded, a fucking blank canvas, anything to capture Styles as he is now. His hair is pulled up
with a headscarf (which Louis hasnt seen in for-fucking-ever), curls springing wildly around his
ears and neck. A baggy t-shirt hung off of his frame and his pajama bottoms were scruffy and
tucked up around his stomach.
Youre not the pizza guy, he says and fuck it.
Louis hand curves around the back of his head as he kisses him, grinning against his lips at the
frozen tension in Styles shoulders and arms. He just looked so beautifully normal, so much like
Harry. He looked warm and chirpy, and even his words, his words had been Harrys words.
There was no bloodshot eyes, no hickeys, no booze or cigarettes, no fucking scars, just Harry.
It would help if you kissed back Styles, Louis breathes against him, heart thudding when arms
stretch across his shoulders. His body slams into Louis surprisingly hard and Louis lands against
the wall of his house with a hollow thud. Styles kiss turns vicious and Louis sees whats
happening before it even happens.
Harrys turning into his armour, and with that armour on hell take control of the situation. Therell
be no cute blushes or breathy gasps. Styles will fuck him, and take some sadistic pleasure from
making it as animalistic as he possibly can.
So Louis pulls away. He turns his head as Styles open lips land on Louis cheek, and he huffs out
a breath of warm air, letting his forehead drop to Louis collarbone.
Not like that, Louis whispers. Louis knows then that hes shattered.
I thought you found me hot, all broken and moody, he replies, obviously trying to be funny but
the joke falls flat and the air just squeezes itself even tighter around the two of them.
I find you hot all the time. Id just rather have my Harry back.
Hes gone.
I can see him. Inside of you.

Hes not coming back Louis.

Ill just have to learn to love this version of you then,
Harry freezes.
What did you just say?
Louis breathes.
I said fuck me.
This time its Harry against the wall, and Louis hand inside his boxers as he tries not to cry
against Harrys neck, thinking about the words that tumbled from his lips so easily. So fucking
easily.
If this is what love is, that it should go and die in a fucking hole. Love should not be about sex that
makes you feel slightly dirty outside, like the only way to get clean is to bury yourself inside this
fragile human being. Love should not be wanting to pull their hair as hard as you can because you
need them to understand how much it hurts.
Love should not be about knowing that you are cheating on your boyfriend right now, whilst not
even knowing if he would be angry or just wish hed been in your place instead.
It was a lot of heat. If Louis remembers anything, he remembers that. He remembers Harrys
hands, big and gentle and rough all at the same time, burning across his back and sweeping down
his thighs. He remembers bleeding from Harrys mouth, his neck scorched by the touch of his
tongue and teeth.
He remembers feeling like he was drowning, too much of everything everywhere and Harry, fuck,
Harry. Harry never stopped touching him, never let him go at all, hands so possessively touching
him like Louis was created for him and him alone and they were both exploding, exploding and
reforming from each other.
Dont say his name,
Im not going to.
I dont want you to think of him.
Wasnt. Just you, God, only you.
Dont fucking lie to me. I know its him as well, I can fucking see its him as well, I get it, just
please, for now, dont think of him. Dont say his name.
When Harry sat Louis down on his dick, wrapping his arms around Louis back as Louis ground
himself down into Harrys lap, he started crying. And Louis licked and kissed and smeared
Harrys tears all over his face, because fuck, how could he not.
Louis thought of Nick and he thought of Harry hating who he was but loving his God more than
anything and how Louis was so tired and his life had been falling apart for so so long and when
Harry was touching his dick he felt like he had reached heaven but when Nick kissed his lips he
felt home.

They had sex for hours. They touched for even longer and they kissed for as long as they could.
They didnt think about Nick. Not even when Louis drew Nicks name on Harrys thigh or when
Harry whispered quietly he looks beautiful some days.
They had sex and when they woke in the morning, Louis fell apart.
Its Zayn that makes him come back. Zayn who Louis basically gave up on.
Louis lost himself; endlessly, he drifted. He woke in the morning to Harrys face pressed against
his neck and his lips chapped and sore and knew, without any kind of doubt, that he was fucked.
He had slipped out of Harrys grasp, pulled on his clothes and ran. He threw his phone in a bin
and then went and grabbed it back out, because he didnt actually have that much self
preservation. He walked home, missed a week of school and ignored every single text message
and phone call that anyone sent him.
He didnt do the thing that Zayn did. He didnt burn himself out by drinking as much as he could,
and taking as many drugs as he could and fucking random people with no condom and barely any
lube. He didnt do that.
He stayed in bed, watching shitty morning telly with the curtains drawn and lukewarm tea. He
traced the condensation on the window pane in his room and thought about Nick and Harry and
how they both belonged to him, God, they both were his, but at the same time, they werent.
At the same fucking time, they werent. And he couldnt have both of them.
But really, that was all he had fucking wanted. Four hours into knowing Nick, Louis had wanted
to fuck him more desperately than hed ever wanted anything in his entire life. Two weeks into
knowing Nick, hed wanted to call him his boyfriend so badly that when hed finally sent Nick the
text saying so were going out and all that shit now yeah?, hed been so nervous hed wanted to
throw up.
Four minutes into meeting Harry Styles hed wanted to bite down on the boys neck and mark him
the fuck up. Two weeks into knowing Harry Styles, hed hated him in a way that hed never hated
anyone, because Harry made him fucking want. But not enough to leave Nick. Never enough to
leave Nick.
So Louis had a need in his lungs that could never be satisfied and a guilt in his heart he wasnt
sure he could live with. He couldnt burn himself out because those two beautiful, stupid,
wonderful boys- theyd ruined him.
Louis leaving his house to walk to the shop on the corner for some cigarettes when he sees Zayn.
Zayn walks right up to him, with gaunt cheeks but sober eyes and places his hand on the side of
Louis neck, a soft smile on his beautiful face.
Zap, Lou.
Louis cant breathe with it. Zap,
Zayn yanks him into a hug, cradling the back of Louis head as he trembles in his best mates arms
because Zayn is there. Zayn is there and hes breathing and smiling and his eyes are completely
sober, and he knew he would loose him, watch as his best friend shattered, but now hes there.
Hes back and beautiful and Louis has missed him so fucking much.

Mate, Louis breathes into Zayns jacket, inhaling the smell of paint and cigarettes. I couldnt-
Its okay
I should have done something, I should have, should have saved you or something.
Lou, Zayn hisses, holding him tighter. You saved me by staying away. I promise.
Its sunny outside, warm in a way thats not stifling.
Im sorry I got so lost bro, Zayn whispers. Wont happen again.
Louis holds him close and doesnt let him go.
When Liam comes round to Louis that night, shyly slipping his hand into Zayns when Louis
puts on The Avengers and grinning like hes won the whole fucking world, Louis decides that
maybe its okay that bad shit happens, especially if it means that sometimes the good shit gets
doled out to the people that really deserve it.
So you love me but you wont be with me?
Right.
And Im supposed to take that how?
I dont know.
Fuck Louis. Fuck! Nicks fist slams into the wall. Absently, Louis thinks its a good idea that
Nicks mum and dad are away for the night.
Explain to me why, Lou.
I cant.
Not good enough.
What do you want me to say? I just fucking said it to you. I dont think this is working anymore.
I hate you, Nick says and hes shaking. Hes shaking so much, Louis can see it in his clenched
fists. Louis not going to cry. He cant cry because if he starts to cry Nick will know its not real
and he wont let him leave. So Louis sits with the ache in his chest and tries to breathe as the one
thing he loves most in the entire fucking world falls to pieces around him.
Nicks room smells like warmth and Louis hates that hes preparing for the cold.
I hate you so, so much. Nick repeats.
I know.
You know that means I love you? When I say that, God, even when I say that, you know that
means I love you. I love you so much Louis,
I know.

So.
So,
Please be with me, Nick begs. It catches in his throat and comes out all weird, and Louis still sat
on the end of his bed staring at this boy because he is the beginning and the end of everything
Louis knows.
I cant.
Why not? Nick demands.
I just cant.
You just wont.
Thats not what I said, Louis shakes his head. When Nick first fucked him, Louis cried
afterwards and Nick, instead of laughing, kissed his mouth and told him he looked delicious. He
probably fell in love then, hes not really sure.
He feels like his hearts breaking.
Well nothing else fits Lou, Nick says, his voice trembling. You cant be with me but you do
love me, so its not that you cant be with me, its that you wont.
What difference does it makes? Its not like either way can make any of this better so whats the
point? Louis snaps, throwing his hands up into the air in frustration. Nick takes a step closer and
catches them, holding onto Louis hand tightly as he drops to his knees in front of him.
It might, Nick replies softly.
How?
Well, if youre doing this because you wont be with me, then theres always hope pet, right?
Always hope? Nicks crying. Louis cant breathe.
I dont know,
How the fuck can you not know the answer to that? Nick shouts, dropping Louis hands and
walking away, stumbling his steps as he rubs at his eyes.
Im sorry, Louis whispers and Nick turns around. He stares at him, only for a second before
flying across the room and pushing Louis back onto the bed, his lips hard and forceful against
Louis own.
Nick, Louis groans, involuntarily arching upwards, his dick rubbing up against Nicks own.
Dont do this,
I still get you hard Lou, Nick grunts, grasping between them to grope at Louis dick, holding it
gently. I still get you hard and I still make you laugh and I still piss you off. Youre still in love
with me. You told me that, you said those words, so Im afraid my lovely darling, that you are not
fucking leaving me.
Louis yanks one of his hands free and presses it over his eyes, pushing pushing pushing all the
tears back into his head, collecting the stray droplets between his fingers. Nick, he says and he
didnt mean for it come out like a sob, but then, really, Louis didnt mean for a lot of things to

happen.
Louis, love, why are you doing this hmm? Nick murmurs, shifting down the bed so that his body
is still pinned down against Louis, so that Louis cant escape, can never leave. He peppers kisses
along Louis collarbones, strokes down Louis sides as he shakes with it all. I know you want to
be with me so why?
Cant, Louis gasps out. Cant, cant, cant.
Nick sits up suddenly, straddling Louis thighs. He yanks Louis top up desperately, hitching it up
around his armpits and pressing down on Louis hips when he tries to buck Nick off. Leaning
forward, with shaky breaths, he presses his lips down over Louis heart, sucking a bruising kiss
into his chest.
Is it cos of Harry? Nick whispers quietly. Louis sobs, exhaling the sound into the open air of
Nicks bedroom, the peeling wallpaper and scribbles in that one corner that is so aptly named,
Lous Corner.
Its okay Lou, I dont mind-
I find you boring Nick. Louis says suddenly, the tears still sliding down his cheeks. I find you
boring and not enough and I dont want you anymore.
Slowly, methodically, from that moment on, Louis broke his something beautiful and didnt
expect to ever get it back.
He rings Zayn and they go out and fuck shit up and bruise their knuckles; Zayn punches people
out and Louis kisses people with blood still in his mouth.
When Liam finally comes to pick them up, Harry is trailing along behind him, and Louis could
have laughed with it all.
Liam kisses Zayns mouth and tells him hes beautiful. Harry stares at Louis like hes never seen
him before.
Liam leads Zayn away and Harry takes a stumbling Louis up to the roof of some building,
handing him a cigarette and a lighter.
Louis doesnt say anything. He hates Harry so much in this moment, hates him more than hes
ever hated anyone. He ruined everything, he came and ruined everything and Louis will never get
it back will never be okay again and its all his fault, all his fault, everything his fault, his own
faultBreathe Louis.
Fuck you.
Harry leaves him with a slow burning cigarette and no idea how to get down.
Nick disappears for a month and when he comes back theres blonde highlights in his quiff and
his clothes are different. Lots of skinny jeans and jumpers and necklaces and tight tops and Louis
doesnt know whether he hates it or loves Nick more than hes ever loved anyone.

The group splits, which is to be expected. No one could survive the fall out of their break up and
so Nick takes his friends and Louis takes Zayn and everyone pretends to be fine. Nick also takes
Harry.
Nick takes Harry and Louis isnt surprised. When the universe was made, someone saw Nick and
Harry and shaped them to be together. Louis just sort of got in the way for a bit.
He wonders if Harry still hates being gay. Still curses God for something he cant change. Louis
thinks maybe hes coming to terms with it now. Found a way to let his sexuality and his religion
co-exist together.
Louis doesnt know and doesnt think he will ever know. He hasnt spoken to Harry since that
morning on the roof and he hasnt spoken to Nick since they broke up and he himself feels like
hes breaking.
So when Liam invites them all, all, to a beach party at half term where they can stay in this shoddy
little shack of a house that his aunt owns, Louis immediate answer is fuck no.
Tommo please, Liam whines as he trails after Louis at the end of the school day, his big eyes
widening even more.
Youre not a dog dickhead, put those eyes away.
I really want you to come.
Tough shit.
It wont be weird.
Itll be weird as fuck.
Liam stops him then by tugging on his arm. Look I know this is hard-
Louis rolls his eyes.
But- Liam continues We havent seen you in so long Lou. Yeah, like, we see you all the time at
school but its not the same is it? When was the last time we actually hung out?
Had shit to do Liam, Louis practically whispers, fiddling with his bag strap so he doesnt have to
look his friend in the eye.
Please just think about it yeah?
Louis says yes. Then he actually says yes. And its a Saturday night and hes sat on the beach
with the sand cold on his legs as the others chill by a bonfire that Louis not a hundred percent
sure they were allowed to start.
Harry and Nick are sitting on some rocks a short while away, Harry clutching one of Nicks long
hands between his own. It hurts actually, to look at them properly. After ten minutes or so, they
jump down from the rocks and hug, Harrys hands gently raking through Nicks hair for a few
short seconds. He presses a kiss to Nicks cheek and turns back to walk up the beach towards
Louis as Nick meanders down to the waters edge, his hands deep in his pockets.
Louis wants him to turn away, walk away, smile but go and sit on his own somewhere. Hes not
sure he can stand to see Harry today. Not when he can see whats happening with him and Nick,
what he fucking knew would happen but couldnt bear to see. One of the main reasons he broke it

off in the first place.

But Harry quietly kneels down in the sand beside Louis, pulling his legs out from underneath him
and tucking up his knees. Hes wearing shorts. His tanned legs have sand pressed into them.
Louis angry at him. Its not unusual that he feels this emotion, hes just sort of faded into vague
acceptance that Harrys the reason that Nick can now fuck other people, cos Louis broke it off
because he wanted to fuck Harry so bad but keep Nick but knew that Nick and Harry would work
so prettily together, and still, after all of it all Louis properly wants is to have them both. Love
them both.
Because Louis couldnt take being caught in the middle of it, loving one boy so much it makes
him feel sick sometimes, and fiercely needing the other as well, and knowing without a doubt that
they both want each other.
Maybe we should have sex.
The words are spoken so quietly that Louis almost doesnt hear and he doesnt speak cos what
the fuck is Harry expecting him to reply.
Why? Louis asks
Louis looks at him and damn hes beautiful. Typically, openly beautiful. He smiles and Louis
realises why it is that people love him without even talking to him because Christ, how can they
not? What Louis doesnt understand and doesnt want to understand is why Nick fell for it too. Is
currently falling for it. Cos Nick doesnt fall for anyones crap, hes been putting up with Louis for
long enough that big innocent eyes literally have no effect, but one look from Harry and its like
hes forgotten how to speak.
And Louis hates that. Fuck, Louis hates it so much.
Thought maybe you wouldnt hate me so much if you got to screw me again.
I dont hate you Harry-
Lou. He stops him and Louis doesnt finish his sentence. He hates how Harry captured him so.
How he is capturing his boyfriend. Fucking, ex boyfriend.
Fall in love with him Harry. If you want me to like you more, fall in love with him and kiss him
and laugh at him and dont ever look back.
Harrys silent and Louis knows why. Nick and him were always surprisingly selfish when it came
to each other, neither one able to stop their jealousy and possessiveness. Louis always felt like
there was a part of each of them that existed only for each other, each boy needing the other one to
feel complete.
When you say fall in love with him-
I mean let yourself do it. I mean stop looking at me to love you back. I mean help him get over
me. I mean fall in love the way the two of you were meant to and never fucking apologise for it.
Louis watches as Harrys eyes flicker upwards to look at Nick. He takes a deep shuddering
breath.
Will it fix us? You and me? He asks and Louis shrugs.

It could be a start.
He nods and stands up, smacking the sand off his bum and legs. Okay.
Okay?
If you want me to Lou. He walks off then, and Louis sees the small flicker of a lighter and
smoke from his cigarette or joint, he doesnt know, swirl up into the air.
Louis presses the heel of his palm into his eyes until he sees small yellow dots float across his
vision. Harry and him were fucked up beforehand. Now, Louis doesnt even know whats going
to happen, doesnt know how to fix this mess that hes started. Doesnt know how to make things
better and isnt sure if theres even any point in trying.
Louis laughs and hes certain if it wasnt for Harrys hand tightly wrapped around Nick, Nick
would have slapped him.
Harry. Nick says softly and Louis knows hes asking Harry to leave and Louis wonders if Hazll
pick up on it. If hell leave so that Nick can possibly punch him in the face and scream.
But Harry doesnt leave and Louis pretty certain its because he went missing for four whole days
and apparently Nick almost lost his fucking mind, and now Louis back and laughing and theres
no one else in Nick house and anything could happen between them. Louis doesnt think Harry
would let that happen though.
Harry leans against Nicks porch a cigarette between his lips as he looks between them. His thumb
is gently swiping across Nicks pulse point, a constant reminder that he was there- but his gaze
had never left Louis. From the minute Louis sauntered up the front garden, dirty and smelly and
grinning from his high, Harrys eyes didnt leave his.
Where have you been? Harry throws the question directly, slowly taking the smoke out of his
mouth and raising his eyebrows.
Harry. Nick says again, pulling away his hand to push at Harrys stomach and its because hes
telling him to leave it, this is something Nick can handle, just turn, walk away Harry. But he
doesnt. He just stands there looking between the two of them, and fuck, he looks so sad. So so
sad.
Louis thinks maybe Harry was worried about him too.
Louis, Harry says again but louder. Louis smirks.
Styles, calm down. I needed to get away for a bit. Its fine, nothing happened. Louis replies,
slightly patronisingly and he can see the flash across Harrys eyes where he clearly wants to hit
him as well. Louis thinks he should. Wants him to, both him and Nick at the same time. Hit me hit
me hit me.
Louis, no one knew where the fuck you were! Nick yells this and Louis feels his smirk
disappear, his eyes blank. Its an awful noise when Nick shouts, truly truly awful.
I had to get away. He says again and Nick laughs hollowly.
Oh really? Harry drawls. Something so drastic you had to up and leave without telling your
parents, your friends, your ex boyfriend, who by the way has been slowly losing his mind. Was it

really that bad? He asks, stepping closer to Louis who nods.

Yes.
What? Hmm, did you run out of cigarettes? Nick bites out, eyes gleaming brightly as his jaw
clenches. Did you see a pretty boy you liked the look of, thought you could fucking ruin?
Realised that youd caused enough shit here so it was time to move on? Did you decide that-
I couldnt stop looking at you. Both of you.
His words stop them. Nick narrows his eyes and Louis stares right back. Harrys breathing had
got so heavy and so laboured and Louis wasnt sure if he could fuck it up anymore than he
already had.
What? Nick spits out.
I cant stop looking at you both and its killing me. Youre so, you just work and have this
chemistry that is so natural and for us And I was this close Nick, he says, holding her thumb
and forefinger close together to demonstrate. I was going to kiss you and cry and beg Harry to be
with me or try and run away with you and we both know there is no way in Hell that either of you
would have said no. But I didnt. I called Zayn and got him to drop me off at my aunts. I stayed
away because otherwise I would of broken your heart all over again, and maybe even Harrys as
well. Louis finishes. His voice shook a little as he spoke, but he didnt cry which counted as a
win on his part. A major victory.
Nick looks wrecked and Harry looks broken and Louis doesnt want any of it anymore. Sad
encompasses everything, a big word for a big feeling, but its all Louis can notice. All he ever
feels anymore is sad.
Louis turns to Harry then, watching his beautiful face and feeling so fucking sad So the next time
I do something that doesnt quite make sense in that pretty little head of yours, ask me about it
first. Dont assume to understand anything I do.
He leaves straight after, running down Nicks yard as he pulls a cigarette out of his pocket and
places it between his lips.
Months slip by quickly after that. Suddenly, Harry and Nick have been going out for a little over a
year and Louis still feels like hes drowning from it. He misses Nick something awful, like a
physical pain and every time he sees Harry he misses something he never even had. Slowly,
carefully, he untangles himself from their friends at school, keeping his grasp tight on Zayn and
Liam but even with them, only letting himself see them on the weekends. At school, he keeps his
head down and works hard and leaves school as quickly as possible so he doesnt have to see all
the people he used to love and own kissing new people, kissing people he also wants to kiss.
Louis doesnt let himself think about it. He hangs out with Niall a lot. Its really easy with Niall
and hes quick to sink into the Irish boys laugh and jokes and laid back attitude. Niall looks at
him like the sun shines out his arse, and Louis would be lying if he said he didnt miss that kind of
attention.
Louis sat at one of the cafeterias tables one day, desperately trying not to look over at his old
table when Niall walks quickly over to the table and drops his shit on the floor, staring at Louis in
a surprisingly serious way. Louis arches one eyebrow.
Alright Lou? Niall asks. Hes breathless and twitchy in a way Louis really doesnt like.

Yes. Are you? Louis replies.

Yeah good mate. Good. Niall responds vaguely, eyes flittering all over the place.
Right, Louis drawls. Except for how thats obviously bullshit, so why dont you just tell me
whats going on?
Niall looks at him worriedly. I heard some stuff.
Louis frowns. Okay. About what?
Nick.
Louis heart pounds a little harder than normal and he takes a second, if that, to school his
expression. What about him?
His mum got, like, into a really bad car crash on Saturday. Shes still in the hospital and people
think that Nick was crying in the toilet today.
Louis not sure if Niall keeps talking after that, glancing straight over to his old table to see if
Nicks sitting there. Which hes not. Harry is though, looking tired and beautiful and worried.
Louiss out of his seat before he even knows what hes planning to say when he gets there.
His feet feel heavy and awkward as he walks over to the table, his eyes fixed on Harry. When
Harry finally looks up at him, Louis can feel a blush rising to his cheeks. Harry doesnt look angry
though or confused, instead he smiles. A weary smile but a smile nonetheless.
Uhh, Louis says, unsure of how to ask for what he wants.
Its good to see you Lou, Harry says softly and Louis feels like someones punching him in the
chest. Harry Styles is a baffling fucking creature and it makes Louis tired.
Nick. He says bluntly. Nick is. Where is he? Is he okay?
Harry nods and points over Louis shoulder. Hes there.
Louis spins on his heel to find Nick stood in the middle of the cafeteria with tired and swollen
eyes, staring at Louis like hes a ghost. He looks broken and too tall which means that every part
of Louis is screaming fix him you love him fix him fix him
Louis glances back to Harry. Im sorry,
Taking a deep breath, he walks quickly over to Nick and throws his arms around Nicks neck.
Nick immediately responds, his arms winding around Louis back to hold him closer to him. Louis
cups the back of Nicks head and strokes through his hair. I heard about your mum, Im sorry,
Im sorry, Im sorry,
And once hes started thats all he can say really. Whispering to Nick as he shakes, bleeding out
his apologies. Louis doesnt stop. He doesnt stop saying sorry because hes not sure he can.
He doesnt know how long they stand there for. It could be minutes or seconds, hes not really
sure. He jolts when he feels another hand, large across his shoulder blades. He glances to the left
to see Harry stood facing the two of them, his arms around both of them. Louis just watches him
for a minute, traces the shape of Harrys face.
Its okay Louis, he breathes out. Louis just holds Nick tighter to him and never stops looking at

Harry, not for one minute.

When Louis and Harry have the conversation about Harrys sexuality, its because Harry ran out
of the cafeteria when Nick tried to hold his hand in the lunch queue. Harry has no problem with
being camp or explicit or overly flirty with both boys and girls at school because he can control it.
And laugh off any rumours later about how hes gay and in love with Nick or in love with Louis
or in love with penis.
But the thing is, sexuality is so fixed and Louis knows its so fixed and when a fixed thing is
pressing down on your back its hard not to feel the weight. And Nick has never been closeted.
Not ever. In the entire time Louis known him Nick has refused to ever hide him or limit himself
or lock himself away because of theres a part of him that some people think is shameful. And it
can be hard, worse than that, it can be painful to be with someone who is unapologetic about who
they are when youre still finding out where the edges stop and start.
If you fucking walk away from me right now, I swear to God Styles
What? Youll do what? Fuck you Louis.
Oooo big words for such a scared little boy.
I am not scared.
Youre fucking shaking.
I am not scared.
Then do it.
I am not scared.
Yeah, cos its really important that Im the one you convince.
Why are you doing this?
Simply showing you something you already know.
Great. Thank you. I get it.
No, Harry, you really dont.
Im not scared.
Youre crying.
That doesnt mean Im scared.
Its, for fuck sakes Haz. It doesnt matter. None of it matters. You want to fuck guys, great.
Thats your fucking business. Nobody elses.
Its not that simple Louis.
No it actually is.

I, it could ruin everything.

Thats not the reason youre freaking out.
It is.
Harry.
What?
You dont want to be gay.
Louis! How could you say that? Im not, Im not homophobic Lou. With Nick, I love him. I love
him.
I know youre not. Louis feels like his heart is too tight inside his chest. You just dont want to
be gay.
I dont have a problem with being gay.
Then come out.
No.
Why?
I am not afraid.
Harry
I dont want to be gay Louis.
Louis smiles.
But I want to love him. And thats bigger than anything else.
Louis sits down next to Harry on one of the rickety old school benches thats been around for as
long as Louis attended school. He watches Harrys hands as he fiddles and twists the rings on his
fingers.
My parents know, I think. And Gemma. They all- Harry exhales shakily, scrubbing a hand
across his face. Louis thinks he looks tired. They all know. They keep making these hints, about
how God loves everyone, how they love everyone. No matter what. How its okay.
Louis nods. Theyre right.
Yeah but Im not Lou. Harry says. Im not okay and Ive never been okay with this and I dont
know why.
Louis sort of aches for him a little. Why arent you? Cool with it?
Harry looks at him blankly. I dont know. I have no idea. Im just scared, Im scared of it being
wrong and Im scared of God hating me and Im scared of how when I touch Nick, Christ, when I
was touching you- that never felt bad to me. It didnt feel wrong or dirty or something to be
ashamed of.
Louis cheeks are bright red and hot as he listens to Harry talk.

It never felt wrong Lou, Harry whispers. If someone asked Louis to describe Harry Styles in a
sentence, he would refuse in a fucking heartbeat. Because there was no way he could ever fit
everything into a sentence. Everything that needed to be said about Harry was too big for just one
sentence, too big for a whole fucking book.
Harry, himself, was just too big for it all.
Louis thinks about the cigarettes Harry smoked and the weed he bought and the sex he had and
how his eyes used to be so dead. How Harry ripped himself apart and then slowly built himself
back up in a way that Louis never could.
Louis stands from the bench and squints at the sunlight. Its a surprisingly cold day, the air just on
the edge of freezing. Theres sunlight though and when it catches Harrys face in the right way the
green of his eyes explode.
Tentatively, Louis places his hand on Harrys shoulder, squeezing only for a second. Harry looks
up at him, his eyes wide and confused.
Think its time you stopped beating yourself up, H. Gotta let go at some point yeah? He
murmurs, smiling gently.
Louis turns and walks away, yanking his phone out of his pocket to fire of a text to Liam and let
him know that hell probably be late to their English class.
Lou?
He stops and turns back, raising his eyebrow at Harry. Yeah?
We really miss you.
When Louis swallows its like he swallowing glass, and it cuts him all the way down to his heart.
He spins back around and keeps on walking.
Really miss you too, he whispers, too quietly for Harry to hear.
It takes less than two minutes for Louis to notice the guy, smile at him and then get pushed up
against the nearest wall. Louis shuts his eyes as the guy kisses down his neck, nibbling and
sucking at the skin around Louis collarbone. He shifts his hips up a little, aware that hes getting
hard in a very vague way.
The guy grasps Louis chin and pushes, knocking Louis head back into the wall before he kisses
him, tongue hot and insistent in Louis mouth. Louis runs his hands down over the guys arms
before winding them around his neck, trying really really hard to not think too small too small too
small.
It takes Louis a fair amount of time to blink back into reality when the guy gets pulled off of him,
the heat from his body disappearing almost as quickly as it had arrived. Louis blinks dazedly
around, rolling his eyes when he sees Nick.
That was quite enough of that, I think, Nick says primly, making shooing gestures with his hand.
The guy throws Nick the finger before sauntering off into the crowd and Louis lets his head fall
back against the wall again.
The fuck is going on? Louis asks tiredly, his head swimming. Hes drunk and he misses Nick

and wants to kiss Harry and nothing feels easy at all.

He was rather rude, Nick says and Louis rolls his eyes.
Think you gave him enough reason to be Nicholas.
Nick doesnt say anything in reply, just watches Louis blankly. Louis stares right back. Or at least,
he does until he cant anymore. Because looking at Nick when hes Louis ex is too hard, and
Louis too drunk.
Louis mumbles something which he think was meant to be a goodbye, pushing off from the wall
when Nick grabs his wrist to stop him from walking away.
Louis, stay.
Louis narrows his eyes. Fuck off, Im not a dog.
Nick sighs. Really? Were gonna do this right here?
Louis yanks his wrist out of Nicks grasp and stumbles forwards, pushing himself into Nicks
space. Fuck you. Were not doing anything. Fuck off, fuck you,
Louis turns and throws himself into the crowd of people, the throbbing in his head growing and
growing. He pushes through people, ignoring their protests. Anything to get away from him.
Anything to get away from the situation.
Lou, I am literally just gonna follow you love. So. Whenever you want to be a mature adult about
this- hard for you I know- I will be right there.
Louis yanks his hands into his hair and groans. He spins on his heel so quickly that he stumbles
into the stairs, swearing when the bannister stabs into his back.
Fuck, ow, he shouts, hand immediately going to the spot on his back, rubbing across his skin.
Oh love, Nick says and Louis has no idea how he can hear him over all the noise, of music and
teenagers and bottles smashing. But he can. He can hear how sad Nick sounds.
He slumps backwards, his head tilted back against the stairs as he continues to rub at the sore
patch on his back. He can feel the tears welling up in his throat and fucking hates it. He swallows
three times and blinks curiously when Nicks suddenly stood in front of him, his eyes boring into
Louis.
Louis huffs out a pathetic laugh as Nicks large hand finds the small of his back, unapologetically
pushing under his top to stroke across Louis skin.
Hes drunk with very little willpower and Nick smells like Nick which he hasnt smelt in a while
and its all so very sad, so he pushes forward a little, right into Nicks space. It charges the air
automatically- the place between their bodies thrumming with new tension. Louis body is singing
to him, what are you doing move forward hes yours hes yours take him back god Louis now
And he almost gives into it. Almost.
Except he, fuck, he loves Harry and he cant hurt Harry, not by kissing Nick. He gave that up for
them. He gave himself up for them.
So he lurches away, stumbling out of Nicks grasp and towards the door, uncaring of the people

he shoulders into, the drinks that get knocked onto the floor in his wake. The air is cool on his
skin, night air nice in a way that Louis can only appreciate if hes drunk.
Louis, Nick calls from behind him. Louis throws his middle finger up over his shoulder and
continues to walk away.
Louis, love, stop.
Go the fuck away.
Im still in love with you.
Louis stops breathing. Without breaking his step, he spins on his heel and walks back to Nick,
shoving him hard in the chest so he stumbles back.
The fuck? He yells. What are you trying to do?
Nick holds his hands out, watching Louis steadily. Tell you I love you. I still love you.
Dont, Louis says, wrapping his arms around himself. Dont do that.
Love you so much. Harry does, Harry as well.
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, Louis chants, looking down at the floor and shaking his
head. Nicks arms wrap around his shoulders, tugging him against Nicks chest. He smells so
good. The fight goes out of him, and he nudges his face underneath Nicks chin, breathing shakily
against him.
We both care about you so much, Lou.
I hate you. Both of you.
Come back home with me. Come back with me to Harry.
Louis fingers are trembling as he curls them into Nicks jacket. Go away.
I cant Louis. Not until you believe me. Do you have any idea, God, do you have any idea what
its like to miss you?
Fuck you, Louis cries, trying to wriggle his way out of Nicks arms. Of course I know, Im not
some sort of emotionally stunted robot. I was in love with you, idiot. In love with you. And then
you went, you went and found Harry and I was just-
Nick holds him tighter, his arms shaking around Louis body. I never stopped being in love with
you. Always. Didnt I tell you? Didnt you listen to me? It was always, forever, always you.
Harry just, he happened as well.
Louis sighs heavily, slumping a little against Nicks chest. Go away Nicholas, Im tired.
We want you there. We want you with us, darling. We need you with us,
And as far as Louis concerned, theres literally nothing in the world that could cause more shit in
his life than if he did as Nick asked. But his life feels like its been completely decimated right in
front of his very eyes, ripped apart and then those pieces torn up and then burnt- just for good
measure. And if its already that bad, if he already feels this wrecked, then it shouldnt really be a
fucking problem, should it?

So, Louis goes.

Walking into Nicks house again, after months of staying as far away as possible makes his chest
ache a little. He lets his fingertips run across the bumpy wall paper, unable to help the small
upward tilt of his lips when he spots the family picture on the hallway wall, that Louis tilted to the
left on one of his first visits to Nicks house. Nicks mum had called it artistic and left it like that.
Nick had rolled his eyes and dragged Louis in for their first kiss.
Parents are out, Nick says like Louis fucking blind and had missed the empty driveway and
dead quiet house.
He doesnt say anything back. He kicks his shoes off at the stairs, waiting patiently whilst Nick
does the same. When Nick turns to look at him, he cant help but raise and eyebrow and his chin
slightly watching as a soft expression floods across Nicks face.
Louiss missed him so much.
Come on love, Nick says and wraps his long fingers around Louis wrist, tugging his up the
stairs and towards his room. Its only when he actually pushes the bedroom door open and
saunters inside that Louis starts to feel sick. Wonders briefly whether he can just dart downstairs
and run the fuck away.
Except he feels that if he did do that, run away from them now, they wouldnt chase after him.
Theyd let him go and fuck up his life more and hed never feel Nicks smile again or touch
Harrys hair.
Harrys lounging on the bed when Louis peers into Nicks room, his steps still a little stumbling
from the alcohol. He isnt wearing a shirt and his skin looks soft and warm, the tattoos on his chest
dulled slightly by the fairy lights hung from Nicks ceiling. Louis wants to touch so badly.
Harry smiles softly, lifting his left hand to pinch at his bottom lip. He regards Louis openly,
completely uncaring of the obvious way his eyes roam over Louis body. Inexplicably, he wants
to cry a little.
Nicks toeing his shoes off in the corner, shrugging his jacket off his shoulders and throwing it
over his desk chair. Unable to take Harrys gaze for any longer, Louis meanders over to his
corner of the room.
His dodgy drawings and rude little notes are still pencilled into the wall. His heart hurts a little that
Nick never thought to wash them away or paint over them. He trails the pad of his index finger
over the messily scrawled love you that hed scratched in on his and Nicks one year
anniversary.
When he turns back around, Harrys directly behind him, scratching idly at the bottom of his
stomach. Louis swallows deeply and flits his eyes around. He doesnt know what to do, how to
behave. This isnt like last time and Louis clever enough to know that neither Nick nor Harry will
let him bring anger into the bedroom.
Louis kisses cant be biting.
You scared? Harry asks, his voice low and gravelly.
Louis scoffs and turns his head to the left. Of you Styles? Never.

His voice cracks a little on the last word. He swallows again and wipes his hands on the back of
his jeans, trying to ignore the low thrum of arousal he feels at having Harry so close and the steady
throb of alcohol at his temple. He can see Nick in the corner of his eye and Louis has never
wanted to run and give in so badly before.
Harry leans in to kiss his cheek and Louis forgets how to breathe.
I dont scare you Lou?
No, he whispers.
Harry hums and takes a step forward, nudging at Louis cheek with his nose before placing
another open mouthed kiss at the bottom of Louis jaw. As he does so, Louis instinctively takes a
step back, breath hitching a little when the wall presses into his back. The side of Nicks desk digs
a little painfully into the side of his thigh, but all Louis can focus on, all Louis can feel is Harrys
lips dragging down his neck and collarbones and cheeks.
He doesnt know how Harry can seem to be everywhere at once, but he is, hes everywhere and
Louis brings his hands up to clutch at Harrys hair, a little desperately. Harrys hands curve around
Louis hips, pressing him further into the wall.
His lips brush gently against Louis when he speaks. Its okay,
Louis eyes flicker over his shoulder to where Nicks stood by the bed, hands deep in his jean
pockets.
I dont Louis begins, cutting himself off when he hears the wobble in his voice.
Weve got you Louis. Weve got you.
Then Harry kisses him. And its so good, perfect pressure everywhere, his lips slotting and sliding
against Louis like hes knows exactly what hes doing and hes done it a million times before;
like the last time they did this Louis wasnt scratching Nicks name into Harrys back.
It only takes a minute or so before Louis fully hard, Harry grinding slowly into him. It hurts a
little, his jeans too tight and the zipper pressed against him in a way thats really not that pleasant.
But Louis always been one for pain and the fact that its Harry- that Harrys here in this room, his
hands kneading at Louis arse and kissing Louis so so perfectly whilst Nick fucking watches
means that Louis probably the hardest hes ever been in his life.
Harry tugs him forward by pushing gently at the small of his back, guiding Louis towards him. He
falls backwards onto the bed, grinning widely whilst Louis stands in the v of his legs, staring
down at him, his dick straining in his pants. Harry shuffles ungracefully back on the bed, and
shimmies out of his jeans. He pulls his cock out with no hesitation, immediately thumbing at the
tip as he watches Louis right back.
Louis about to say something, just about to open his mouth and ask what to do when he feels the
heat of Nicks body plastered to his back. He doesnt even hesitate.
Louis turns and yanks Nicks head down, immediately sucking and biting at his lips, running his
hands through Nicks hair over and over again.
Nick, he whimpers when Nick shoves his hands down the back of Louis pants and grabs at his
arse, pulling Louis closer.
Nicks breathing harshly against his lips and Louis cant really breathe at all. Its been so long

since hes had this, since he was allowed to have this. Its like muscle memory; his body knows
exactly what its doing, what to do, to make Nick gasp and moan. He sucks at the skin under
Nicks chin, smiling at the noise Nick makes.
Nick pushes him down onto the bed, falling just to the left of Harry, and straddles him. You are
never to do that to me again Louis, do you understand?
He grabs at Louis chin and holds it steady, forcing him to meet Nicks gaze. Do you understand
me? Youre never leaving me again.
He feels Harrys hand slide into his, squeezing his fingers gently.
Im never leaving again,
Its Nick pushing into him so slowly, so carefully, like Louis fragile, like he wants to remember it
and Harrys hands all over his body, all the time, never once stopping or giving up or moving
away and Nick and Harry together and they know each other, Louis can tell they know each
others bodies and part of him wants to run because its just mine mine mine for both of them, but
more of him wants to stay and has to stay and just let himself be kissed, over and over again, with
Nicks dick in his arse and Harrys cock in his mouth and in his hands and Nicks fingers against
his stomach and Harrys teeth on his neck and they both belong to him now and if Louis didnt
know better hed say that this was it for him, this was the end, but Louis did know better and
surely he couldnt be allowed this? But it was so much pleasure, all of it, everywhere all the time,
and it was them together.
It was his Nick and his Harry and himself, all tangled together in sheets that felt cold on Louis
skin.
When Louis wakes up in the morning, the light is streaming in through the hole in Nicks curtain
that he promised Louis years ago he would fix. Nicks spooned up against his back and Harrys
curled towards him on his side. Hes not sure how it happened or if he might just be dreaming.
It takes him a while to untangle himself, slowly shifting their heavy limbs away from his body and
watching with a slightly aching chest as they curl into each other, Nicks fingers immediately
wrapping into Harrys curls.
Louis isnt sure he belongs.
He remembers Nicks shower though, the whiney noise the plumbing makes when you first turn it
on and how it takes fucking for ever for the water to heat up.
Hes in there for about five minutes before Harry slips in behind him, his big warm body pressing
Louis into the tiles.
Please dont run away, Harry murmurs against his ear, trailing sleepy kisses down the side of his
neck.
Youve got me pinned Styles, Louis says dryly. Where do you think I can go?
Do you remember falling in love with me? Harry asks, moving his kisses down the back of
Louis neck. The water splashes into Louis face so he shuts his eyes and leans his forehead
against the tiles.

No.
Louis.
I remember.
You didnt fall out of love with Nick.
Louis twists around and lets Harry crowd him further into the wall, his hands gripping onto
Louiss hips. His dick twitches against his thigh and he cant help but rock up a little into the
pressure.
I know that.
You still ran away though?
Louis smiles and meets Harrys eyes. This beautiful, sad boy. I didnt know youd stick around
for the both of us.
It was you I wanted first, Harry groaned, nuzzling his face into the side of Louis neck. Its you
I want now. You and him, together, with me.
Louis exhaled for what felt like the first time in months.
Dont run away Lou.
I wont.
And in the end, its messy and broken and probably incredibly unhealthy, but fuck, they wouldnt
have it any other way. Louis wouldnt have it any other way. No way except this one, this one
with his boys.

End Notes

Thanks for reading- sorry it's such a mess. I'm on tumblr at thenleavetheband if you fancy
saying hello.

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