Checklist for

Romantic
Compatibility

FUNDAMENTALS
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Is he male?
Does he prefer males?
Is he single?
Is he age-appropriate?1
Is he ready to commit?2

GEOGRAPHY
6.
7.
8.

Does he live in New York City?3

Is his apartment easily accessible?4
Does he live alone?5

Rule of thumb: was he born in the eighties? No more than seven years older or
three years younger. Date of birth between: January 1, 1980 and December
31, 1989 (inclusive).

I am looking for a long-term, committed and monogamous relationship.

If he does not live in New York City (herein the City), does he have enough
of a nexus to visit it (and me) with some amount of frequency? See, e.g., he
lives in Boston, Philadelphia, or Washington D.C.; he travels here for work
often; his parents live here; etc.

Does it take me less than 45 minutes to get to his apartment on the Subway?
This, of course, limits me to Manhattan; most gentrified parts of Brooklyn;
and select parts of Queens that arent airport-adjacent.

I will carve an exception if he is still a graduate student. No exceptions made

for living with a family member (immediate or extended)unless hes Peter
Parker, in which case, Id tolerate the crotchety ol aunt.

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

9.
10.

Does he have an unlimited MetroCard?6

Does he run late to appointments?7

EMPLOYMENT
11.
12.
13.

Is he gainfully employed?8
Does he have a respectable job?9
Is he realistic about his future?10

PHYSICAL
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.

Are you physically attracted to him?11

Would you be excitednot embarrassedto show a
picture of him to your closest friends?12
Is he taller than Peeta Mellark from the Hunger
Games?13
Would you be able to tolerate the sound of his voice
for many years to come?14
Is he physically healthy?15

A 30-day Unlimited Ride MetroCard costs $116.50. See Fares and MetroCard,
MTA, http://web.mta.info/metrocard/ mcgtreng.htm#30day

Whether we made dinner plans in Williamsburg, or its just me casually texting,

Babe, come quick. Robber just broke into my apartment. Need backup.
Stat., does he make a point to be punctual? (Would he bring nunchucks?)

He is able to comfortably provide for himself through legal means of

employment (Hint: not dealing drugs like on The Wire). I will carve an
exception for students pursuing higher education. Exclusions to this exception
include the following useless degrees: M.F.A. (in anything); a Masters degree for
which he has to pay out-of-pocket; and a professional degree of any kind that
does not guarantee post-graduate employment.

Is he proud of what he does? Would he express any sort discomfort in sharing

what he does for a living at a social gathering?

10

For men pursuing the arts (e.g., acting, singing, writing, etc.), does he have a
realistic assessment of his prospects for long-term success? Does he maintain
supplemental sources of income?

11

In a crowded Subway cart, would you avoid gnawing on your lamb gyro in
front of him?

12

And you dont caveat it with, He really doesnt photograph well.

13

57. Barefoot, not with a chunky-heeled shoe.

14

Im not asking for Ira Glass silken cords here, but would listening to his voice
make you want to self-flagellate?

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

19.
20.

Would you still find him attractive if he gained fifty

pounds?16
Do you like his smile?

EDUCATION
21.
22.

Did he attend a four-year accredited university?17

Regardless of where he went to school, does he value
the importance of education and lifelong learning?18

INTELLIGENCE
23.
24.
25.

Do you think he is bright?19

Is he a good writer?20
Can he engage in deep philosophical discussions?

26.

Regardless of whether his tastes diverge from your

own, can he intelligibly articulate why he favors one
writer over another?21

TASTE

________________________
(contd from previous page)
15
Given his physical state now, do you think hes able to grow old with you, or
will he be like that whale of a mom from Whats Eating Gilbert Grape
(Paramount Pictures 1993)?
16

Without hypnosis from a life-coach to induce you to see someones innerbeauty. See Shallow Hal (20th Century Fox 2001).

17

Hard pass on University of Phoenix, unfortunately. (Actually, while Ive got

your ear, lets nix Cornell and Dartmouth, too.)

18

Your academic zeal has to at least match six-and-a-half year-old girl totting
home a red wagonful of books from the public library. See, e.g., Matilda
(TriStar Pictures 1996).

19

Im not looking for A Beautiful Mind herejust someone who I could respect
for his intellect.

20

Not asking for you to write me the next Anna Karenina or anything (but maybe
try?); just: have appropriate comma usage; conjugate verbs properly; master
uses of contractions and possessives (theyre v. there); and can spice it up
syntactically (e.g., tossing in a semicolon or an em dash on occasion.) I am
ambivalent about the Oxford commapersonally find staunch loyalists on
either side dumb and annoying.

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

27.

28.

29.
30.
31.
32.
33.
34.
35.

Is his favorite book excluded from the following list:

a.
To Kill A Mockingbird;
b.
Catcher in the Rye;
c.
The Great Gatsby; or
d.
Harry Potter any of them?22
Is his favorite movie excluded from the following list:
a.
The Notebook (2004);
b.
Love Actually (2003);
c.
Breakfast at Tiffanys (1961); or
d.
Garden State (2004)?
Does he have a Netflix, Hulu+, or Amazon Prime
account?23
Has he been to at least two movies in theaters in the
past year?
If pressed, can he name more than five fine artists?
Has he read anything in the past year that is not related
to his profession or was required for school?
Does he read the newspaper?24
Could you conceivably choose your wedding song
from his top 10 most frequently played songs?
When you both go out to a museum or art gallery, is
he moved by works of art?25

CLOTHING
36.
37.

Does he own a suit that fits him?

Is his wardrobe free of cargo shorts?

________________________
(contd from previous page)
21
Ill met several people whove liked James Joyce, Herman Melville, or William
Faulknerauthors whom I actively dislikebut seldom I have met those who
are able to express why they enjoy these writers.
22

Fine, fine, Ill make an exception for Great Gatsby, because, secretly, I still love
it, too.

23

It is OK if hes illegally using his exs or friends account, so long as he utilizes

different profiles so no one can see how many times hes seen Youve Got Mail
(Warner Bros. 1998).

24

If he doesnt, does he at least keep up with current events? Does he stay

informed about our world?

25

He doesnt simply say, This is nice. Great insight, buddy.

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

38.

Is he able to dress himself in a way that doesnt make

you cringe?

39.

When he pronounces ph, do you want to physically

harm him?
Will he eat just about anything?26
Does he offer suggestions on where to eat for
dinner?27

FOOD

40.
41.

PERSONALITY
42.
43.
44.
45.

Does he have a good sense of humor?28

Does he engage in witty banter and repartee?
Is he sarcastic?
Do you think he is kind?29

46.

Does he have any racial hang-ups with you being

Asian?30

RACE

POLITICS
47.

In terms of political affiliation, is he at least politically

moderate? 31

26

Is he adventurous when it comes to trying new foods and restaurant? Does he

enjoy spicy food? Does he eat meat? If he doesnt, does he make you feel like
an awful human being for doing so?

27

He doesnt say, Oh, anything is good with meIm easy and then end up
nixing almost every single restaurant suggestion.

28

Meaning, hell let you get away with most inappropriate things you say and
wont hold it against you. Forms of humor I enjoy: puns (even in excessive
and especially bad ones); awkward dad jokes; acerbic dryness (generally).

29

Not in the Mark Zuckerberg donating 99% of his net worth kind of way,
but just in the Im not going to ax you up and throw your body chunks in the
Hudson even though you have a terrible personality kind of way.

30

He does not have a racial preference for non-Asian men.

31

The ideal political alignment is left. Regardless of his political leanings, can he
at least intelligibly articulate his political ideologies?

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

48.
49.
50.

Is he pro-immigration?32
Can he name at least four out of the nine U.S.
Supreme Court justices?33
Can he name the last ten U.S. Presidents in order?

MANNERS
51.

52.

53.

54.
55.

At a restaurant, you both decide share an appetizer.

(Big mistake, but follow me for a sec.) The dish,
unfortunately (surprise, surprise) arrives with an odd
number of portions. Does he offer you the last bite?34
If you bring him to one of your work functions, he
would be able to socialize in a way that would not raise
eyebrows?35
Youre both watching a film in the cinema. The movie
is about to start. Does he disconnect from his
phone?36
It is one of your earlier dates together, and his phone
rings. Does he let the phone go to voicemail?37
You just moved in together but need to buy furniture.
Would he have any personal insight when he goes with
you to the HomeGoods?

32

He doesnt want to ban all Muslim travel into the U.S., for instance.

33

It should be noted that Breyers is, indeed, also the name of an ice-cream
producer.

34

The correct answer, actually, is that he offers to order to another appetizer, so

you dont have to share like peasants. And if the appetizer is soup, then you
both are idiots, because soup is never meant to be shared.

35

Cf. American Psycho (Lions Gates 2000).

36

Disconnect means to either power off the device completely; or lower the
screens brightness and avoid looking at the screen during the movie. Except it
is OK if his line of work (e.g., a corporate lawyer or a medical doctor) requires
him to, on occasion, furtively scan the screen for emergencies and exigent
circumstances.

37

Unless its from an immediate family member or a work-related crisis, in which

case, it is permissible for him to politely excuse himself to take the call and
apologizes for the interruption.

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

56.

If he were on a sinking ship, would he allow women

and children passengers on a lifeboat first (unlike that
charlatan Cal from Titanic)?

HYGIENE
57.
58.
59.
60.

He spends the night at your place. Does he brush his

teeth?38
Does he smell bad?39
Can he grow a full beard?
Does he have chest hair?

RELIABILITY
61.

62.
63.

64.
65.

Theres been a mix-up, and you somehow find yourself

arrested. You only have one call at the police station,
and you can only remember his number. Can you rely
on him to get you out?40
Do you think this person is someone you could trust
to raise your children?
The Mayor of New York has called for an emergency
evaluation. Would he be able to rent a car and drive
you both to safety?
Can he change a tire?
Can he feed himself without Seamless or fast food?41

FRIENDSHIP
66.

In general, will your friends approve of him?42

38

If he did not bring a toothbrush (I mean honestly, how presumptuous can a trick be?),
does he: (i) go to the local Duane Reade to purchase one; (ii) use your
toothpaste and brush with his index finger like in the movies; or (iii) swash
your mouthwash when you arent looking?

39

Ideal scenario: he doesnt smell at all. However, if he does, can you tolerate it?
Meaning, his smell doesnt patently offend you and make you want to wash the
sheets every time you spend time together.

40

Im not demanding that he knows a lawyer, but he is resourceful enough to

find solutions to complex problems, especially in the face of adversary and in
high stress situations.

41

No, Subway does not count, even if youre eat[ing] fresh.

42

For a list of friends who must consent, please see ANNEX A.

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

67.

68.

One of your dearest and oldest friends decides to

throw a Game Night, and you invite him as your guest.
Admittedly, your friends are a handful, and they love
playing word games, like CONTACT, which they, like
clockwork, inevitably end up playing. Will your friends
lose all respect for him?43
If you and your friend go to Pub Trivia, will he offer
something of value?44

FAMILY
69.
70.
71.
72.
73.
74.
75.
76.
77.
78.
79.

Does he want to get married?

Does he want to be a father someday?45
Does he not already have children?
Is he good with children?
Does he maintain a healthy relationship with his
family?46
Would your family approve of him?47
Will he sign a prenuptial agreement?
Does he want a household with two working parents?
Is he kind to old people?
Is he generous to those less fortunate?
You invite him over to meet your parents. Your
mother has prepared an ethnic dish filled with exotic
ingredients that may scare the average American
palate, but it is her absolute favorite recipe. Does he
try it?48

43

The
complete
rules
of
CONTACT
are
available
at,
http://forum.frontrowcrew.com/discussion/7294/learn-how-to-play-theword-game-contact

44

Can he contribute to a subject area that the group otherwise would not be able
to excel (e.g., sports; non-white people pop cultural references; the 1940s)?

45

Either through adoption, surrogacy, or a Raising Arizona-like kidnapping.

46

I use family loosely here. Primarily, does he have strong, intimate, nurturing
connection with those he loves and care about?

47

For a list of family members who must consent, please see ANNEX B.

48

He is not allergic to the dish, and the dish does not conflict with any of his
dietary or religious restrictions.

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

SEX
80.
81.
82.
83.

84.
85.

Are you sexually compatible with him?49

Is he comfortable with his sexual identity?50
Is he disease-free?51
Is he opposed to open relationships, or an
arrangement where a couple in a relationship can have
sexual relations with other individuals?
Is he okay with being big spoon from time to time?
Does he have at least an average-sized penis?

COMMUNICATION
86.
87.
88.

89.

When you text him, does he respond sooner than

twice as long as the last time you responded?52
Does he feel as if it is necessary to maintain at least
some form of communication once a day?
When he composes text messages and/or email
correspondence, would the recipient know that the
sender is a grown-ass man?
Does he enjoy arguing (especially if it is something he
cares about?)53

FINANCIAL
90.

Is he financially responsible?54

49

This is obviously for a more intimate conversation, but it centers significantly

on whether he is at least open to trying new things.

50

One easy approximation for this is if you reach for his hand in public, he
wont flinch; or he doesnt feel the need to shame shower in guilt constantly
after you are intimate.

51

According to his most recent STD check-up, which is only considered valid if
within the past twelve months.

52

For example, in the last correspondence, he texted you at 1:00 P.M., and you
responded back 1:10 P.M. (ten minutes elapsed time). Now, will he get back
to you sooner than 1:30 P.M. (twenty minutes elapsed time)?

53

He is not a yes man.

54

This begs further questions: (i) is he free from crippling financial debt; (ii) does
he plan for his future through savings or a 401(k)?; and (iii) does he maintain a
budget?

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

91.

94.

It is your first date together, and you decide to go out

for drinks. Do you split the bill?
You go out to for a very inexpensive meal (lets say
just a cheeseburger at the local Jackson Hole). His bill
comes out to $8.59 after tax. Does he tip at least two
dollars?
Does or will he earn at least the median household
income in Manhattan?55
Does he have less than $30,000 in student loans?56

95.
96.
97.

Is he drug-free?57
Does he only drink in moderation?
Does he have a clean criminal record?

92.

93.

VICE

BIG PICTURE
98. Does he make you happy?
99. Does he make you laugh?
100. Does he make you a better person?

55

$66,739.

56

The only exceptions are if he is a doctor or an attorney.

57

Does he have any sort of detrimental dependence on harmful substances?

10

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

GRADING RUBRIC
These are one hundred (100) questions:
10090:
8980:
7970:
Below 70:

Excellent
Good
Average
Incompatible

11

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

ANNEX A

Aleksandra
Ali
Chau
Jim
Jimmy
Lymaira
Kate
Melissa
Michael
Rachel

12

ROMANTIC CHECKLIST

ANNEX B

Mother
Father
David
Frank

13