Janel thoughts 2

1/1/2011 Every New Years Eve, Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest host a show together to celebrate
the occasion. After Clark had a stroke a few years ago, Ryan was named as his successor. Dick
Clark is Ryans mentor and his hero. They celebrated the start of 2011 together. The affection
that they share is palpable, and I get the sense that those two never want to be parted. I was
touched, because I can remember the warmth and joy that I feel when I am playing with and
helping Janel, whom I admire greatly. Just being by Janels side fills me up with joy. I am sure
that Ryan feels the same way when he is near Dick Clark.

With the end of the year, the tenure of WNBA commissioner Donna Orender also ended. Janel
was the very first player to be drafted during her tenure. I am sure that Janel remembers that day.
Donnas departure must have a powerful emotional effect on Janel.
Donnas departure will have a powerful effect on me, too. I have no personal memory of Val
Ackerman, who preceded her. Donna Orender was the most accessible commissioner of a
professional sports league that I have ever seen. I will be thankful for that forever. She comes
across as funny and down to earth and poised. She was the league commissioner, but she was
also a normal person. The WNBA will feel weird without her. I am going to miss her.
Pokey Chatman coached Janel last winter. Now she is the Coach of the Chicago Sky. When her
team won the Euroleague title last March, I thought about how cool it would be if Pokey coached
in New York. Now, Janel can join her in Chicago if she wants to. It would be easier for Janel,
because she already knows how Pokey coaches. Besides that, Janel has played with three of the
Chicago Sky players before. Her family can drive over to see her play. Everything seems like
its set up for Janel, but I dont want her to leave. Its really just my anxiety talking.
Human beings are never completely ready for anything that involves grieving, like death, or
losing a friend to a terminal illness, or the end of a really good show. That is what Janels free
agency feels like. There comes a point where we are as ready as we can be, and we can regress
at any moment. If Janel goes, I would like it to be quick, like pulling off a band aid. I would
want her to go, before I change my mind. I probably would, anyway.
There is something important to remember here. Janel has a choice in this matter. She could
leave at any moment. She might not leave at all. It makes me kind of jumpy. It makes it hard to
play with Janel, even though I adore her. I dont blame her, though.
Similar situations that evoke grief are more finite. This is different. I will still be able to engage
Janel. I hope that she never forgets New York, because I will never forget her. Janel is the best
girl, the toughest girl, and one of the sweetest women on the planet. She is my hero, and I love
her.

Today, I was able to imagine us splashing and playing in the water again. I could relax and play
around Janel. It was a good day.
1/2/2011 Janels kindness is so uncommon. She is like a queen. I feel like I am in the presence
of magical royalty. I can hear Janels voice again. Dont you dare give up on me. I feel like I
have a special role to play in Janels life, like there will be something that only I can do for her in
the time to come. I dont know what it is, but it will be important. There is something that is
connecting us, and it is powerful. It is our history, our memories, and our relationship. I have an
entire emotional history with Janel. That is why I behave differently around her, and treat her
differently. Shes really special to me. I want to be good for her. My mind swims with devotion
and loyalty. I must have had some real issues to accuse Janel in the way that I did.
My memories of Janel are strong. We have played together. One day last spring, I brought an
orange Fanta, the same kind of soda that Janel was drinking when she answered my interview
questions. I thought of Janel and how much I love her. I was so happy that day. I let love course
through me. My girl loves soda.
I remember that once, I told Janel that she could fly. She has flown during her best moments.
Janel flew during that personal victory in San Antonio. She flies when she is successful, and I
can see the best of her heart. I think that Janel flew on that day when I saw her kindness,
gentleness, and generosity with my own eyes. I was meant to see that. Maybe I will be the one
to give my angel her wings. She has earned them. Maybe she will move on, like so many others
who have earned their wings. Maybe she will return to New York, an old friend seen in a new
light. Janel is amazing. I can see it more every day. One thing is for sure. My angel has earned
her wings.
I dont listen to the beat of my own heart often enough. Today, I could feel it. My heart beats for
her. My lungs have breathed with the hope of knowing her, the hope that she created. Gandhi
said that where there is love, there is life. I believe it, because the love that Bonnie and Janel
shared inspired them both. Janel has a kind of platonic love for her fans that allows her to do
things for them with relish. I love Janel. She has such a good heart.
I tend to picture myself playing in the arms of the people that I love the most. Today, I can see
myself playing in Janels arms. I want to be close to her. I cant, because I cant get her to
understand me. Sometimes, I am happy just to have her talk to me. Her presence and voice are
comforting to me. I am like a baby in that way.
1/6/2011 I was thinking about the special times that Ive had with different people on the Liberty
team. I couldnt help thinking of how much better my relationship with Janel would be if I were
normal. Today, my feelings for Janel were rising, warming. My desire to be with Janel
overwhelmed me. If I were normal, I would be stronger, and I wouldnt constantly feel like I
need her. I am so anxious when I talk to her. I think that its because I still expect her to hurt me
or yell at me for what I have done. If I truly believe in Janels heart, then I can trust her to be

calm with me. It is my apprehension that makes it hard for me to play with Janel with a full
heart. I shouldnt be scared of her. I should be embracing her. Still, there are external factors
troubling me, so I cannot hug her. I am looking for video of Janel. I want to see her smile. It is
strange that she can steady me and intimidate me. I dont think that Janel is scaring me on
purpose, but I still want to cry. It is not Janels place to calm me, but she does anyway. I dont
want to need her this much, but I cannot function. I cannot sleep. I need Janels arms. I need
her embrace.
Sidney would be more willing to give and to help, but I cant depend on her too much, either.
I remembered that I have pictures of Janel on my computer. I found one that shows me Janels
eyes. I found the picture. I looked into Janels eyes, and they shone. My pain has lost its edge,
and I feel numb. I can still love Janel today, though. Janel and her team won their game. I
wonder how she did.
Janel might be the only one who can calm me. This is sad, because I know that this is not her job.
I know that she cannot soothe all of my pain by herself. This is a reality that would crush Sidney
Spencer. She tried so hard to soothe my apparent anguish in the little time that we had. Neither
of us really knew the extent of my pain back then. I wish that I knew then what I know now. If I
did, I would tell Sidney not to try so hard to help me, even though she can feel my pain. I want
to cry for Sidney. She could only help me so much. I am sure that she worried about me. I am
so sorry, Sidney.
1/7/2011 I couldnt sleep, so I stayed awake and thought about stuff. It occurred to me that if my
education was uninterrupted, I would have graduated in 2009, the same year as Kia Vaughn. I
could only lament at the thought of this. I did some math and realized that Janel was a fifth year
senior. I couldnt believe it at first. I guess that its not that uncommon for collegiate athletes; it
happened to Kalana Greene.
I thought of Lindsay Whalen. I still think well of her. I asked myself why I havent made more
of an effort to reach out to her if I actually thought that she was cool. I guess that I kind of
pushed her aside in favor of Janel. That wasnt very nice. Was I ever jealous of those two?
Once in a while. Im making a note of the game between the Minnesota Wild and the New York
Rangers in two months time. I kind of forgot who they were. Lindsay still seems serious, but
that doesnt bother me now. Shes quiet. Its really intriguing. It makes me wonder what
Lindsay is thinking. Id like to lock that urge away somewhere. I wouldnt mind seeing her play
hockey, actually. Breaking the ice will feel awkward. Despite this, I embrace Lindsay more
openly now.
Its strange that I am only moved to warm up to Lindsay now. Its like I have a relationship with
different players in the league, even though I have never met most of them. It is more accurate to
say that my perceptions of them change over time. I learn more about the players, and I can
move on from my negative thoughts. It is fun to see my opinion of a player improve. My heart

is open today. I think that Janel was just confused, and forgot why she was angry with me. All
day long, I have been feeling Janel's light. It is pouring out of her like water, and she is feeding
it to me. Janel is gentle. She will not stop until I have fallen asleep. Janel will soothe my eyes.
She's sweet with me. I want to embrace Janel tonight. She's so gracious with me.
1/8/2011 Today, Janel is happy, and grateful to her fans. I had forgotten how much Kristen Mann
loved her. It is very nice to be able feel that. I think that Janel is safer just because she feels that
love. Knowing that Kristen loves Janel makes it easier for me to be calm. I am sure that Janel is
safe now.
Kristen sounds really sweet. I remember that she used to play for the Washington Mystics. She
was pretty good. I wish that she could play again.
1/9/2011 I have not had a good day today. I was afraid of getting hurt. Soon, I had a flashback
of all of the terrible things that have happened because I have needed the help of others. I
remembered feeling like I had let Janel down. I felt the need to go after anybody who would hurt
Janel, even though I knew yesterday that she is safe and loved. My period scares me. I might
never get control of my emotional issues. Thats why I felt nervous after I spoke to her today.
Tammy Sutton-Brown loves her, too. Its good to know.
When people are united by their love for someone, it creates a shield around them. It is nice to
feel that for Janel. In that sense, she needs the people who love her. As long as we care, we can
be there for her. As long as we stand with her, she is safer.
1/11/2011 I went looking for pictures of Janel, because I feel affectionate toward her and I
wanted to see her smile. I found Janels MySpace page. Janel is standing with her parents in the
picture. This is my first good look at her father.
Seeing Bonnie McCarvilles picture wrenched at me. My heart became hollow and sad when I
remembered that Janel had posted her mothers obituary. Janel named her mom as her hero.
My mother is the most important person in my life by far... not only is she my mother, she is my
role model, my teacher, my hero and my friend...I LOVE YOU.
Janel is my role model, my teacher, my hero, and my friend, and I love her. Neither of us was
aware of the other when she wrote those words, yet they hold so much meaning for me. Was I
meant to learn from Bonnie through her sweet daughter? I certainly am learning. In that sense,
Bonnie has been in New York. She had so much to teach her daughter, and now that knowledge
is within her. Now I am learning from and loving Janel. I owe Bonnie so much. Because my
journey with Janel has been so intense, I am internalizing what I am learning from her. Bonnie
was the master, and Janel was the apprentice. Now I am Janels apprentice. The other fans have
learned from Janel, too. If I can pass on what I have learned from Janel to others, then I can
honor my heros hero. I might as well share what I know with those running the WNBA

movement. Theyre all running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Many
of them are clearly in high school. I shall strive to guide them. As long as I can teach, Bonnie
will be honored. As long as I have a reliable apprentice, the chain will live, and the mark of
Bonnie and Janel will endure. Let me learn now from Janel and Bonnie with an open mind and a
full heart. Sharing what I know comes naturally to me. Likewise, discretion is the better part of
valor. Im not trying to bring anybody down.

Janel, my love, dont ever give up. We are going to honor your mommy, buddy.
1/12/2011 I awoke this morning and called for my mother. I suddenly found myself wishing that
Janel had her mom. It feels so weird to think about my life in an alternate time line, but I do. I
would be an actor or an athlete. My troubles would be nothing like they are if I were normal. I
would not have to worry about being cold when I bathe. I would not be scared to be alone at
night. It scares me to think that my greatest insecurities have their basis in my state of being,
which is so permanent. Janel is so sweet and strong. She has helped me to keep going. Shes
helped me since I have been home, so when I am with her, I am home.
1/13/2011 Today, I am taking in Janels light. I am breathing it in. It is warm. I am letting it
wash over me. Janel showed mercy on my body, and brought me back into the water. I loved it.
My aide suggested that we hang my jersey up where I could see it. It was on the ceiling. Almost
immediately, I imagined Janel hanging from the gallows. It made me very uncomfortable, and I
asked that it be taken down. The jersey is hanging opposite my bed now. It is independent of
me, but in a place where I can love and regard it every day. It is where I can be sure that it is
safe, like Janel herself.
Janel was fined and suspended for the run in that she had last month. She seems to be feeling
remorse for it. She is a sweet woman. She just has trouble controlling her temper sometimes.
As I type these words, I realize that the same could be said of Diana Taurasi. Shes had her
moments, but shes a good person. Plenette is, too. This completes my internal reconciliation
with them.
I love it when Janel knows that she is loved.
Thanks for the love!!! RT @Anika003: nice win for beretta-famila! 13 pts., 8 rebs. and 3 ass. for
@JanelMcCarville!!
My girl is playing well, but she doesnt sleep well. I want my angel to sleep well.

I think that emotional connections have a bigger place in my heart now. It made me want to
watch The Miracle Worker. Emotions are wonderful things. They allow us to truly feel our
world, and bring depth to our connections.
My mind has helped me to understand the gifts that Janel has. It helps me to share in her humor.
I can better understand our shared trials.
This movie is showing me how important my words are, and how important it is not to waste
them. Now I realize how lost I would be without my words. Without my words, I would be
carted off somewhere else, an empty shell without hope. My life would be in great danger.
If I didnt have words, my time with Janel would hold nothing for me. Words like love and
kindness and strength and courage would not exist. I would be able to love Janel, but I
would not be able to tell her. That would be torture. Without my words, I would have no way to
record my memories of her. I would forget Janel.
The Miracle Worker reminds me of my time with Janel. I want Janel to understand me, but I can
never find adequate words. It upsets her. I am sad because there is so much that I want to share
with her. Even if she doesnt understand me, I will love her. I will walk with her.
Without my words, I couldnt share my thoughts, ideas, and feelings with the world. Without my
mind, I couldnt understand my feelings for Janel. Without my emotions, my words would be
empty and have no meaning. I dont ever want that to happen to my words for Janel, not again.
1/14/2011 Janel released a blog entry today. She spoke of what has happened over the past year.
Janel thinks that she had one of the worst summers possible last year. She spoke of the time
when she was injured and unable to play. It was hard for me, too. She gave to her teammates
when she was on the court. She wishes that she could have played a bigger role in her teams
success. I really wanted that season to be special for her. I think that I had more fun than she
did. She is so noble, and she suffered so much. She was in pain.
I want to cry. I am angry. Janel is such a sweet giver, but she suffers more than Job. I dont
want Janel to suffer anymore. She should be exempt. I know that this is impossible. I dont
care. I believe that Janel McCarville should not have to suffer anymore. For me, the hardest part
of being a sports fan is watching Janel suffer. It is something that I agreed to when I became her
fan. I can stop at any time. I wont, because I love Janel. I will bear her pain with her. I wonder
if Janel didnt feel the same way about her mother.

JanelMcCarville Janel McCarville

Headed to Venice with Marina, cloudy but we gonna make the most of it..

Clouds? Please, no! Just sunshine and peace! Please!

Janel is more upset than I am. My old desires are coming back at me. I want to keep Janel from
having to deal with the slightest inconvenience. I need to back off before I do something
inappropriate. I wish that I could soothe her by holding her hand. I hope that Marina and Janel
create a loving environment for each other. I hope that Marina shows Janel as much love as her
fans have for her, and a whole lot more. I hope that Marina is sweet and warm and gentle with
her. Those two love each other. I hope that Marina never stops loving Janel. Janel needs Marina.
We all love Janel, and we are generous with her. Janel thrives on emotional intensity. As much
as we all care about Janel, she needs something on an emotional level that only Marina can give
her. I love Marina too. Shes beautiful, and besides that, she loves Janel. If Marina can care for
Janel and be kind to her, and see what is special about her, then it is easier for me to love Marina.
If ever there was a place for love based on logic, it is here, though I do not base my love for
Marina on logic alone. I am moved by the tenderness and care that Marina shows Janel, who is
precious to me. Janel has been so sweet and kind to me and the fans, especially the children. I
want Marina to give all of Janels warmth and kindness back to her. I hope that Janel is sleeping
better.
1/15/2011 the free agent list was released. Janel isnt on it. My math must have been off.
Maybe she was supposed to be on the list, and wasnt added yet. I am relieved, but I am not
letting my guard down yet. That list can change quickly. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy
Janel, because she is a jewel.

JanelMcCarville Janel McCarville

I do too!!!! RT @Da20one: RT @CorbinMacklin: @Da20one I love black ppl don't u?
((Lol sure do))

This statement seems small and silly, but it is sweet. It gives me hope that Janel has love for all
of humanity, even though she knows how wicked people can be. She is happy and laughing
today. I think that it is safe for me to approach her again. I just wish that I could forgive myself
for my past mistakes, and find the strength to face whatever reaction she may have to my
presence. I think that my strength will come from what I see in her. How could Janel not be
loved? Why do I want so badly to be close to her? I think that it is because of her qualities. I put
on a video just so that I could hear Janels voice. As she spoke, she acted as though there were
small children with her. She was sweet. She has so much to give.
1/17/2011 Today I find myself thinking of Janel and loving her. My heart is moved by her. I find
myself pleading with Janel so that she sleeps, like I did a year ago. Tonight, Janel is like a star in
the sky, and I want to sleep in her light. I am amazed by how much human contact benefits
people. All of this time, I have spoken about hugging and kissing Janel. I have wanted to hold
her hand, and rub her back to make her feel better. I want to stroke her hair, too. It is nice to be

gentle with her. Human contact is one way in which we give to our loved ones. It would be nice
to hug Janel and feel the power of her being. If Janel went blind, then she would need even more
human contact. I love giving to her. She is so precious to me. Her tweets are like little kisses
each day. I want to give back to Janel, and embrace her with all of my strength.
Janel is not yelling at me. I am so thankful for this. She is so quiet that it is like talking to a
wall. In the past, I would have taken her for granted. I have to remember that Janel is a person.
She seems calm, but I cant help wondering what she thinks of me. She has already told me.
I am a recipient of Janels incredible mercy and grace. I love her even more because of it.
I want to repay Janels grace.
1/18/2011 I awoke today with an overwhelming sense of Janels grace. I did not expect it to
overtake me. Because she is not being harsh, I feel hopeful. Janel could have been so much
harsher with me. She is being kind. I am moved. I love her. I think that my thoughts in regard
to this are a reflection of my love for Janel onto myself. I dont mind playing with Janel and
showing her kindness, but I have to be careful. I dont know how much patience she has. In not
ripping me apart, she is showing me love. Could every act that is not born in hatred be
considered an act of love? Love for God. Love for oneself. Love for others. Love for Janel. It
certainly seems like everything that we do is an act of love. I imagine Janels amazing capacity
to give. I want to give her everything that I imagine receiving from her. She deserves it.
1/19/2011 I want to give to Janel so much that my body aches. My eyes are burning from
holding back my tears. My body has kept me from giving Janel what she deserves. It has been
going on for years. Now it has been a year since Bonnies picture made me cry. My emotions
were so strong that I could only contain my feelings by writing about them. I was compelled to
write about our journey together. This is an amazing experience. Janel is awesome. She has
been such a gift, and she still is. I want to be a gift to Janel. I want to cuddle with my brave
friend.
Why do I want to protect Janel from all pain, even though I know that it is impossible? Pain is
never a nice thing. Janel does not deserve it. It hurts me to see Janel sad and in pain. It is not
right that she suffers while my love for her grows. I can feel Janels light shining on me and
coursing through me. The question of whether or not Janel hates me is still tormenting me.
Janel herself is touching my heart. I wish that my negative thoughts would leave me alone. I
believe in her. I wonder if someone else would remain loyal if they were in a similar situation.
I want to give Janel the softest, gentlest touch possible. I want to wash her back, and let her
spend time in warm water. I wish that my hugs and kisses were enough to take all of her pain
away. It is a joy to be gentle with her. We have been through a lot together, and now we are both
confused. I must be some kind of miracle, because she still has a special place in my heart after
all that has passed between us. I could shower her with affection on any day. The last time that
we spoke, Janel said that she could not understand me. I want to help her, but I dont know how.

I think that I should just try to be clear and not overwhelm her. Janels been gentle for months,
and yet the horoscopes feed into the theory that she might still be mad at me. It doesnt help.
Even if Im nervous, I am going to love on her and cheer for her and pray for her, because I bear
no ill will. Even so, I am astonished by myself, because it feels so rare, illogical, and weird.
Most people in my situation might hate her. I wonder what she sees. I cant stop wondering what
she sees. Thats the only problem that I have left. Scorpios keep their secrets like treasures. I
wonder if Janel held on to any of our good memories. There are a lot of them.
I am glad that I have the chance to embrace Janel. She really is very sweet. Youre such a good
girl, Janel. *smooches* I love you, buddy girl. *smooches* I love you, sweetheart.
*smooches*
My girl is mourning. Now is the time for me to open that place in my heart that belongs to Janel
alone. It is a little easier for me to leave Janel in peace. Janel has memories of her mother that
are hers alone. She needs time to process them. I would want some time alone if I were
mourning Janel. All of this makes me treasure my mother a bit more. Shes going to tell me to
eat the cheesecake in the fridge, but I dont care. Shes here. I dont know how Janel manages
without her mother. She is emotionally stronger and more physically more secure than me. I bet
that doesnt make it any easier. I cant imagine life without my mother. I wish that Janel didnt
have to know what that is like. It is hard to be aware that Janel is hurting, but I am blessed to be
able to bear her pain with her. My pain is a shadow of hers, but she does not have to deal with it
alone. I can pray for her, and think of her, and wait patiently for her. I love her. My heart is
connected to her. I cant be happy right now. My buddy is hurting. My joy is almost gone. My
sweetheart is in tears. I feel a need to wear black. Im going to pray for her. I still wish that I
could comfort Janel, as before. She should not know any more pain. I was worried that I
wouldnt be able to resist my desire to play with Janel. That doesnt matter anymore. Im too
sad to act on it.
I love it when Janel is generous with her emotions. She loves deeply and cares deeply. It is nice
to see her cheering for her friends with all of her heart. I base so much on logic that I need to
hear from a tender heart. Her feedback shows me things that I would miss without her. There is
so much love in Janel, and she is a great caretaker. After all that I have done to Janel, she is
treating me kindly. I think that others would stop Janel if she tried to punish me. Still though, I
think that Janel is showing me a lot of love. I want to show Janel the love that I see in her. I want
to bless her and give to her and share with her. I want to hold Janel. I want to kiss her on the
forehead, and see her eyes shine. I never want to stop embracing her. I love my Janel so much.
1/20/2011 Today, I asked to see my New York Liberty t shirts. One of them was signed by Janel
and Kia. The shirt still smells new, like the day we met. It is soft and warm, and I am happy to
hug it. Janel has given so much to me. Part of me thinks that she hates me and wants to pay me
back. This might be a valid point, but no matter what happens, my love for Janel seems to drown
out my concern. Is that a good thing? I would like to talk to her about it, but I cant use the

forums that I have without risking embarrassing her. I dont want to waste Janels time. There
will be a time to talk to Janel, and it is coming soon, but now is not the time. As long as I am
conscious of the way that things are, things arent bad. Once again, love presents itself as
something which requires risk. I have to bear in mind that there is a possibility that my actions
will be met with anger. Shes entitled to her anger, but I hope that it doesnt last forever. I
wonder if it will outlast me. With increasing frequency, I wonder what I was thinking during my
more awkward times with Janel. I can be so fanatical sometimes. It is no wonder that I confused
Janel. As my more philosophical thoughts form in my mind, it occurs to me that they might be
unique to me. It is no wonder that I am misunderstood. It is isolating sometimes. Maybe it is my
unique philosophical and psychological bent that allows me to see the best in her and love her
and keep engaging her. When I was born, I got this childlike demeanor and amazing optimism.
It is why my faith in Janel sometimes makes me blind to her anger. I am such a baby around her.
This is not to say that I dont still believe in Janel. I just have to display my now present
awareness of the thought processes that brought me here. I am so weird.
I bet that anybody else on my journey would hold a grudge against her and hate her forever.
That is impossible for me. If it were possible, the basis of my animosity would be proven to be
invalid. I was largely disillusioned by the way that I saw things. Somehow, my internal dialogue
changed at several points, and I became lost. My mind is clearer now, but I still have a long way
to go. Im glad that I got into therapy. I hope that it proves to be fruitful for me. I need it.
I love my friend. I wish that my love for Janel could bring her as much joy as it brings me. I
have to be calm and clear with her. I dont want to let her down again. In spite of everything,
she has not actively tried to break my heart. It is the greatest gift that I have right now. It is a
mark of love for humanity. Janel is hoping for clarity. I am searching for the courage to give it
to her. If Janel speaks to me again, it will be a real treat, though she was selective in speaking to
me anyway. I am so moved by Janels grace. I am sure that she sees the grace in her actions. I
know that I am not crazy for believing this. Janel is a good girl. She is being so good to me.
Janel has enlightened me so much, and has done so much more for me. She probably isnt aware
of just how much good she has done for me, or how much good I see in her. I want to shower
her with kisses and hug her all day long. I am so glad that our journey is not over. I will be so
happy when she tweets again. I dont just see God in Janels eyes and her smile anymore. I see
God in her kindness and love and mercy and grace.
1/21/2011 My time with Kevin Tierney allowed me to grow spiritually because of the good that I
saw in him. Perhaps I should not suppress my perception of Janel. In her light, I will find my
learning. As I fell asleep today, I could see Janel in my minds eye. She was standing near me,
smiling warmly. Her face was near mine. She showered me with kisses until I fell asleep. It
helped me to have nice dreams, and I woke up with affection on my lips. I dont know how I got
the ability to project my love for Janel onto her. I know that Janel is kind and has a big heart. It
is easy for me to imagine her showing me a lot of love because she is capable of it. I woke up

feeling a lot of love. Janel soothes me so much. I love it when she calms me. Its a power that
she has. She doesnt even have to try. Janel is amazing.

1/22/2011 Janel and Candace Parker are ready for tomorrows game between the Bears and the
Packers. Janel spoke of her team with passion. She made me laugh so much that I was reminded
of my interview with her. I am amazed by how quickly and easily Janel lights me up. I dont
know how she does it, but I dont want her to stop. Its the best feeling ever, and I wouldnt trade
it for anything in the world.
It struck me today that I owe all of the time that I have had with Janel to the spinal fusion that I
had. Without it, I would be dead by now. I had to endure a lot just to be able to engage Janel. I
didnt know what would happen to me. I am so happy to have made it. Janel is an enduring gift.
As I grow weaker, I hope that I find comfort with her. She is protecting me with a smile on her
face. I love that she is letting me love her. I want to give her kisses. I want to play with Janel in
the water. A splash fight would really make me laugh. I want to hold Janel in my arms and love
on her. Shes very, very sweet.
1/23/2011 I was so glad to remind Janel of her game. I had help in keeping her up to date. The
Green Bay Packers came through and won. Janel is full of joy. It is nice to share in it with her. I
love seeing Janel happy. She deserves to be happy. I cannot put into words how much it touches
me to see her happy. She can be happier for weeks now. I liked this game, because it gave me a
chance to tell her that I love her.

I am watching a video now, and a quote stands out for me as part of a prayer to God.
We dont understand your doings, but we love you.
For so much of our time together, I did not understand Janels actions. She seldom reacted when
I lashed out. She is still and calm now, even when I am silly with her. It fills me with wonder.
She helps me to be grounded. Even in her displeasure and confusion, she is being gentle. She
keeps her true feelings a secret. She is afraid that they will be used against her. She cant help
feeling that way. I understand that, but I cant help wanting to know what she is thinking. I wish
that I could stop. I think that it is because I am amazed by her. I have to be careful. My
knowledge could be used against her. I dont want to hurt my buddy.
Wheres my happy girl, huh? You shine when you are happy, Janel. It is so nice to see the light
in you. Your Packers are so strong! Maybe now that they made you happy, you can sleep. I am
so glad that you are happy. You would be so joyous if the Packers won the Super Bowl. Blessed
Janel, you are so precious. Your heart speaks to me.
Can I hug you now? *smooches* I love you, Janel. Youre the best. *smooches* Youre my
angel. *smooches* You are a blessing. *smooches* I love to feel your sweetness and light. You
have the biggest heart. *smooches* Your heart guides me. *smooches* I love being with you.
*smooches* I love it when you calm me. *smooches* You have the brightest smile.
*smooches* You are so gracious with me. *smooches* I love being affectionate with you,
sweetheart. *smooches* I dont ever want to stop. *smooches* You like being hugged, dont
you? *chuckle* *smooches* You touch my soul in a way that no one else can. *smooches*
Janel, you are my beloved buddy. *smooches* I cannot stop showing love to you, Janel.

I love her, God. I love her.

1/25/2011 JanelMcCarville Janel McCarville
Watching 'guru of go' - 30 for 30! An amazing story of Westhead and Gathers!

Gathers died of a heart attack on the basketball court. He was my age. Once I saw this, I could
not comment, because it was so sad. Cappie was quick to point this out.
JanelMcCarville Janel McCarville
@cappa23 was a good watch but I had to hold back tears!! Never really knew the
whole story!!

Janel has a tender heart. I do not know if I would be moved to tears. Thats part of what makes
Janel so special. She can see so much more of the pain in this world with ease. It is good to let

Janel treasure that part of her. I love that about her. Her heart moves me. Janel is so sweet. I
hope that I can see more of her sweetness. She is such a gift to this world.
God bless you, buddy. *smooches*
I can feel all of the light inside of me for you. You are glowing, sweetheart. What are you living
for, Janel? What kind of joy do your eyes see? You perceive the most amazing things. Your
hands are soft. I still remember your perfume. Janel, there is so much life in your eyes,
sweetheart. They sparkle and shine. They soothe me easily. I love your eyes, child.
You are present in my life because of the grace of God. I love every minute that I have with you.
I want to embrace you and play with you. I want to show you love for as long as I can. There is
so much love in you. I hope that others can see it too. I want to play with you, precious buddy,
but I am in pain again. I dont know how much more time I will have with you. Please let me
love you more. You are so special to me. You are an angel. You just keep giving to me. I love
you so much, Janel. You are a blessing.
1/30/2011 Yesterday, I was so moved by the beauty that I saw in an episode of Nature that I was
inspired to create something. I thought that I might create a poem. In the end, I was moved to
draw something. I used colors and symbolism to convey my feelings for Janel. I used a heart
and the color pink to convey my affection for Janel, my sweetest memories, and the kindness that
she has shown me.
I used red to show the emotional charge that I get from her, and my willingness to defend her. I
would gladly punish those who would harm her. I will stand by her fiercely. All of this desire
burns inside of me, like the fire that I used as a symbol.
I used yellow to commemorate hope and laughter, and all of the times when Janel has made me
laugh. It also represents all of the times when she will make me laugh. Janel brings sunshine to
my day. I used a star as a symbol.
I used a unique combination of blue and green to bring back the symbol of water. It recalls those
mystical, magical times when Janel calms me. She makes me feel safe. A bath or time in a pool
is very relaxing. It is a magical state to be in. I want to rid Janel of all of her pain forever. Janel
would be much more serene after her bath.
I want to create even more good things. I would like to write out my feelings about Sidney and
Kia. I would love to compose a song for my favorite women. Failing that, I would love to
compose an Aria, thanking God for my friends. I am worried, because I dont have extensive
formal training. I want to get my tributes right. I love Kia and Janel and Sidney. Along with
whatever knowledge I possess, my love for them all will guide me. That should be enough.
After all, these works of art are supposed to be from me.

1/31/2011 Janel was supposed to play a game yesterday, but apparently that didnt happen. I was
annoyed by this. I wanted to see Janel shine. She shared information about her team, and was
able to share in humor as well. She defended her friend Diana by sharing an article about her. I
was so touched by her generosity and moved by her actions. I was so overcome with emotion
that I cried. I could not find the words to thank her for her deeds, but I will later today. I am
crying tears of joy, because Janel is so sweet with her friend. She is showing Diana a lot of love.
I knew that she had that character in her. I am proud of her, but even more than that, I am
pleased with her and grateful to her.
Janel, I love how you care for Diana. I want to play with you, Janel. Can I please play with you?
My dream for Janel wont die. I still want to give to her. I want to give to Janel until I burst. I
still want to fight for her. I know that my time will come to defend her and help her. I will be in
the position to do this. I do not know how I know this. It is a deep, powerful feeling that I have.
I will help her.
I remember when I was a kid. I loved playing baseball and basketball in PE. I have always
loved basketball. I learned how to pass in the fourth grade. I miss PE. I miss taking trips at
school. My mind crossed to all of those thought processes that set me apart from others. To see
so much joy in this world in nice, but if no one can see what I do, it is isolating. I wish that Janel
could understand me; shes tried so hard for me. I wish that I didnt disappoint her. I am feeling
a powerful surge of lament. I keep getting powerful visions of the self that could have been. If I
were normal, I would be easier to understand. What a gift that would be to Janel. If I were
normal, I could help Janel more than I ever could in this vessel. I could have played with her. I
could have given my all for her. I could have prevented all of the lamentations that she had this
past summer. I should consider myself fortunate. These visions of my alternate self only haunt
me when I am awake, and I can fight them off. If these visions became my nightmares, they
would be more real, and I would have a harder time fighting them off. I pray that they do not
disturb my sleep.
I will help Janel with the gifts that I have, but it is hard not think of the other me. I am aching all
over, and my head hurts. It is hard to suppress the desire to be more. I guess that its hard for
Janel, too. Surely, parameters exist for me, but I cant help desiring more. Thats how many
wonderful things there are in this world.