ENGLISH PEOPLE IN ENGLAND

Joan Fluvià
English Day 2009 - 2010

1: Escola Castanyer (3 personages)

Mrs Smith:
Look! It’s nine o’clock. What a lovely evening!
Mr Smith:
Except for the dinner. You know I don’t like this fish and chips, darling!
Mrs Smith:
You don’t like fish and chips?
Grandma:
Then you are not English.
Mr Smith:
You mean, if I don’t like fish and chips, I’m... Spanish? or French?
Mrs Smith:
Of course not!
Mr Smith:
Perhaps... Russian? Oh, no! I can’t be Russian. I don’t like snow.
And, you don’t like whisky. Then, you are not English, either.
Grandma:
My God, we’re strangers in our own country.
Mrs Smith:
Don’t be silly! Of course I’m English. And you are not Russian. But it’s strange
you don’t like fish and chips.
Grandma:
All English men like fish and chips.
Mr Smith:
No, it’s not true.
Grandma:
Yes, it is.
Mr Smith:
No, it isn’t
Mrs Smith:
Why not?
Mr Smith:
I’ve got a new friend at work. He doesn’t like fish and chips.
Grandma:
How strange!
Mr Smith:
His name is Mustafa. He comes from Morocco.
Mrs Smith:
He’s not English! You see, grandma is right.
Grandma:
All English men like fish and chips.
Mr Smith:
Of course he’s English. He lives in the suburbs of London.
Grandma:
Where, exactly? In the north or the south?, east, or west?
Mr Smith:
65, Murrow Gardens.
Mrs Smith:
This is our address, darling!
Mr Smith:
Yes, I know. He lives on the second floor. We live on the third.
Mrs Smith:
Then, he’s our neighbour!

*********************************************** 2: Cor de Maria (3 personages)

Mr Smith:
Yes, that’s right. Look, it’s ten past nine. It’s late.
Grandma:
Why do you think it’s late? You never go to bed before half-past ten.
Mr Smith:
But it’s ten past nine!
Mrs Smith:
Yes, it is. But I can’t see where the problem is!
Mr Smith:
Well, darling. Mustafa and his family...
Grandma:
What’s the matter with Mustafa?
Mr Smith:
I said... quarter past nine... for a last cup of tea.
Mrs Smith:
Today?
Mr Smith:
Yes, today. Why not?
Mrs Smith:
Where? I hope you didn’t invite them home?
Mr Smith:
I’m afraid I did, darling.
Mrs Smith:
John, you are an ass!
Do you understand the words “I’m tired”?
Do you understand the words “I don’t like tea”?
Mr Smith
You don’t like tea? Then you are not English.
Mrs Smith:
Oh, come on John. It’s not a good idea to invite your friend today.
Grandma:
It’s late.
Mr Smith:
But it’s Friday! We don’t go to work tomorrow.
Mrs Smith:
You don’t go to work tomorrow. I must go shopping to the butcher’s, the
supermarket and everywhere.
Mrs Smith:
Can you do me a favour, John?
Mr Smith:
Of course, darling.
Mrs Smith:
Why don’t you go away with Mohamed and his wife?
Mr Smith:
Mustafa. His name is Mustafa.
And, darling, please. Be kind with them. He works with me!
Mrs Smith:
Yes, but I live with you.
(The doorbell rings)
Grandma:
I’ll go.

*********************************** 3: Escola Salvador Vilarrasa (5 personages)

Grandma opens the door. Mr and Mrs James come in

Mr James:
Good evening everybody. Good evening, how are you?
Grandma:
Good evening. I’m fine, thank you. Aren’t you Mr and Mrs James?
Mrs James:
Yes, of course, why? Do I look like another person?
Grandma:
You don’t, actually. I mean, we didn’t expect you. I thought you were Mustafa
and his wife.
Mr James:
Mustafa? Who’s Mustafa?
Grandma:
It doesn’t matter. Please, come in
They come in.
Mr James:
Good evening, John.
Mr Smith:
James! Good evening. Good evening Mrs James, how are you?
Mrs Smith:
James and Cynthia! What a surprise. We didn’t expect you today. Would you
like a cup of tea?
Mrs James:
Oh, thank you darling. We brought some tea biscuits. They are a recipe from
mom. James loves them, don’t you, darling?
Mr James:
Of course, darling. I love your mom’s biscuits.
Grandma:
Didn’t she die last year? I mean, they can’t be your mom’s biscuits.
Mrs James (crying):
Yes, she did… Oh, poor mom. She was so…
Mr James:
Oh, come on, darling…
Mrs Smith:
Mom! Why did you say that? Can’t you see? She’s so sad…
Grandma:
Oh, I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t want to…
Mr Smith:
Tell me, James. Would you like something to drink?
Mr James:
No, thanks. Just a cup of tea.
Mr Smith:
All right. Let’s have a cup of tea with your mom’s biscuits. I mean with your
delicious biscuits.
Listen, We didn’t expect you. I mean, of course you’re welcome, but… What
can we do for you?
Mrs James:
We have a very good news. And we want to share it with you.
Mrs Smith:
Good news? What is it?
Mr Smith:
Don’t keep us guessing! Perhaps, James, you…
Mr James:
Yes! You are right, John, I’m going to have a son.

*********************************************** 4: Escola Llar (7 personages)

(The doorbell rings)

Mr Smith:
You’re going to have a son? You mean she’s going to have a son, don’t you?
Mrs James:
Of course, we’re going to have a son.
Grandma opens the door. Mustafa and his wife come in.
Mustafa:
Good evening everybody!
Mr Smith:
Hello! Thank you for coming.
Mrs Smith:
Yes, thank you. It’s a pleasure for us.
Fatima:
It’s very kind of you to invite us this evening. I suppose you are very tired.
Mrs Smith:
No, we are not. And tomorrow is Saturday. We don’t go to work.
Fatima:
These biscuits are for you. They are typical from our country.
Mrs Smith:
Thank you darling.
Grandma:
More biscuits! What shall we do? We can’t eat all these biscuits!
Mr Smith:
Why not? We will compare and decide which biscuits are better.
Grandma:
I’m going to prepare some tea. Do you all like tea?
Fatima:
Yes, of course. We are English.
Mr James:
English? You mean you are English, English?
Mustafa:
Of course. We are Londoners.
Mr James:
You are not! You were not born in London.
Fatima:
No, we were born in Morocco, but we live in London.
Mr James:
Londoner refers to a person born and raised in London.
These biscuits are typical from London.
Mrs Smith:
You see, John?! They like tea and you don’t like fish and chips.
Fatima:
Oh! I love fish and chips.
Mr Smith:
So do I.
Mrs Smith
No, you don’t. You always say you don’t like fish and chips.
Mr Smith:
No, it’s not true. I like fish and chips, but I don’t like your fish and chips. I like
going to a fish-and-chip shop.
Mrs Smith:
Yes, you love going to a fish-and-chip shop, but you never eat fish and chips.
You eat sausage in butter.

*********************************************** 5: CC Petit Plançó (9 personages)

(The doorbell rings)
Grandma:
Who is at the door?
Mrs Smith:
We’ll never know unless someone opens the door.
Mr Smith:
OK. I’ll go.
Mr James:
John, if you want, I can open the door. I don’t mind.
Mrs James:
Aren’t we going to have some biscuits? They are delicious.
Mr James:
Yes, we know that. They are your mom’s biscuits.
Mrs James:
Oh, poor mom…
(Mr Smith opens the door. There is a police inspector and a policeman/woman))
Mr Smith:
Good evening, inspector. Can I help you?
Inspector:
Good evening, sir. Yes. Can I ask you a few questions?
Mr Smith:
Yes, of course. Why? Is there any problem?
Policeman/woman
No, we don’t think so. It’s daily routine.
Mr Smith:
Daily routine? You don’t come every evening to my door.
Inspector:
It’s routine for us, of course.
Policeman/woman:
The question is, sir... Can you inform us about your neighbours?
Mr Smith:
Our neighbours? Well, can you tell me their names, please?
Inspector:
Mr and Mrs Singateh.
Mr Smith:
Singateh? I don’t know. Who are they?
Policeman/woman
Mustafa and Fatima, I think.
Mr Smith:
I’ve no idea.
Inspector:
Yes, you must know them. They live on the second floor.
Mr Smith:
You mean… the second floor? This second floor?
Policeman:
Yes, this second floor! Of course! They are your neighbours.
Mr Smith:
I know they must be our neighbours. But… did you say Singateh?
Policeman:
Singateh. That’s right. Mustafa and Fatima. Do you know them?
Mr Smith:
I’ve no idea, sirs.
*********************************************** 6: Escola Verntallat (9 personages)

Mrs Smith (from the sitting room):

Who’s at the door, John?
Mr Smith:
Oh, it’s nothing. The fire brigade, darling.
Inspector:
Why did you say the fire brigade?
Mr Smith:
Because my wife is afraid of policemen.
Policeman/woman:
Why? Has she got any problem with the Police?
Mr Smith:
No, of course not. It’s only that nobody likes the police at home.
Policeman/woman:
Isn’t there any policeman in your family?
Mr Smith:
No!
Policeman/woman:
Policewoman?
Mr Smith:
No!
Well, sirs, it’s getting late and I can’t tell you anything about my neighbours.
Inspector:
Are you sure, sir?
Mr Smith:
Yes, of course. Why don’t you go downstairs and knock at their door?
Inspector:
We did. Nobody answered.
Mrs Smith:
Darling! Your tea is ready!
Mr Smith:
You see, inspector. My family and I are going to take a last cup of tea before we
go to bed. You can understand.
Grandma (she comes to the door):
John, you are always late.
(She sees the Police)
Oh, good evening inspectors. John, why did you say the fire brigade? Would
you like a cup of tea?
We also have some delicious biscuits our friends brought.
Mr Smith:
No, I don’t think ... It’s late and ...
Inspector:
Oh yes! Thank you very much. A good cup of tea will help us. We have a lot of
work to do, tonight.
(They all come in. John closes the door. There are seven characters on stage.)
*********************************************** 7: Escola Malagrida (9 personages)

Policeman/woman:
Good evening everybody. Many thanks for your tea.
All:
Good evening.
Mr Smith:
Let me introduce... She is my mother Jane. And Helen, my wife.
Inspector:
And...?
Mr Smith:
And they are our friends James and Cynthia. The James.
He is Mr James James. And she is her wife, Cynthia James.
Mr James:
Good evening inspector.
Mrs James:
Good evening. Would you like some tea biscuits?
Mr Smith:
They are delicious. They are from her mother. She died last year.
Policeman:
She died last year!? Do you think these are edible biscuits?
Mrs James (crying again):
Oh, poor mom!
Mrs Smith:
Why did you say that? They are a recipe from her mother. It is a very good
recipe, in fact. And these biscuits, oh, they are delicious.
Policeman:
Oh, we’re sorry. We didn’t understand.
Inspector:
Of course, they are delicious.
I’m so sorry Mrs James. We didn’t want to hurt you.
Now, Mr Smith, will you introduce me the rest of your friends?
Mr Smith:
Oh yes. I forgot. They are our friends, Mus...er...hammed
Policeman/woman:
Mushammed? It’s a very funny name.
Mustafa:
Tafa.
Inspector:
Tafa?
Mustafa:
No! Mustafa. My name is Mustafa.
Mr Smith:
Mustafa? No, you said your name was Mushammed.
Mustafa:
Mushammed does not exist. Oh, come on John. You know my name is Mustafa.
And she is my wife.
(The doorbell rings.)
Inspector:
Good evening, Fatima.
Mustafa:
Fatima? How do you know her name?
Fatima, have you met this man before?
Fatima:
No. I, I can’t understand how he knows my name
(The doorbell rings, again.)
Mrs Smith:
I’ll go and open the door. Don’t you think, darling?
Mr Smith:
No, I’ll go.
Mrs Smith:
I’m sorry, darling; but I’ll open the door.

*********************************************** 8: Escola Camprodon (10 personages)

Mr Smith:
Why? Why do you want to open the door, if I may know. Why is it so important? Whay can’t I open
the door?

Grandma:
Simply, because this is my house and because she is my daughter.

Mrs Smith:
And because I want to.

Fatima:
Oh! You shouldn’t worry for the door. I can open the door. Mustafa also can help you with the door.
He’s very good at opening doors. Not very good at closing them, but...

Mustafa:
Why did you say that, darling? It’s none of their business! I accept I leave, sometimes, the door
open, but I don’t do it on purpose.

Grandma:
Men! They are all the same thing. Don’t you know why God created women?

Fatima:
God!? No, it was not God who created women.

Grandma:
Oh, it doesn’t matter. Anyway, someone created women, and do you know why? Do you know it,
darling?

Fatima:
Because they never close any door at all?

Grandma:
No! Because someone had to teach them that one door is enough! They used to provide all rooms
in their homes with two doors: one to get in and another to get out.

Policeman:
Is this correct, inspector?

Inspector:
Of course not! They are kidding!

Policeman:
You mean, you still have two doors in your rooms?

Inspector:
No! I’ve only got one door. But not because my wife told me. It was becuse I got crazy with my
keys. Easy to understand: double doors, double keys.

Mrs James:
Oh, my husband has no problem with our doors. He can both open and close them. He’s got many
more problems when he goes to the toilet.

Mr James:
Stop, darling! It’s not a very good item to talk about, don’t you think.

Mrs Smith:
The toilet! The most difficult subject for men!

Mr Smith:
It’s not a difficult subject! The problem is that you can’t understand us.

Grandma:
Of course we can understand you. But you, men,...

Mr Smith:
Anyway, I’ll go and open the door. It’s getting late.

Mrs. Smith:
Sit down, John. I’ll open the door.

*********************************************** 9: Escola Sant Roc (10 personages)

(Mrs Smith goes to the door. There’s a fireman)

Mrs Smith:
Good evening, Mr Fire Chief.
Fire Chief:
Good evening.
Mrs Smith:
Good evening. What can we do for you?
Fire Chief:
Is there a fire, here?
Mrs Smith:
Is there a fire, here!??? Why do you ask me that?
Fire Chief:
I have orders to extinguish all the fires in the city. So, Mrs Smith, is there a fire,
here?
Mrs Smith:
I don’t know. I’ll ask my husband.
(She goes in)
John, is there a fire, here?
Mr Smith:
A fire? Why do you ask me that?
Mrs Smith:
Mr Fire Chief wants to know.
Inspector
Why does he ask us that?
Mrs Smith:
Mr Fire Chief has orders to extinguish all the fires in the city.
Mr James:
I don’t think we have any fire at all.

Mrs James:
No, of course not. No fire.
Mr James:
Well, I gave up smoking last week, so I haven’t got a light, either.
Mrs James:
Oh, James, I’m so happy you gave up smoking. Smoking can damage your
health, you know that.
Mr Smith:
Mr Fire Chief? Who’s Mr Fire Chief? Who’s at the door?
Mrs Smith:
A fireman. Mr Fire Chief.
Mr Smith:
You must be kidding! A fireman at home? Is it daily routine, as well?
What’s happening, today, in London?
Mrs Smith:
I don’t know. He wants to know whether there is a fire in our home.
Mr Smith:
Tell him there’s no fire at all but we have some tea.
Policeman / Policewoman:
Listen, Inspector. It all looks quite strange. I also gave up smoking last week.
Inspector:
 Strange? Why? The fireman is doing his job. I didn’t know you gave up
smoking. Congratulations.
Mrs Smith:
All right.
Mr Fire Chief. There’s no fire in my home.
Mr Fire Chief:
Are you sure? It’s very important. You must know that I have orders to
extinguish all the fires in the city.
Mrs Smith:
Yes, I know.
I promise I will notify you when we have a fire.
Meanwhile we can only offer a cup of tea.
Would you like a cup of tea, Mr Fire Chief?
Mr Fire Chief:
No thanks. I’m in a hurry. I have a lot of houses to visit.
(The fireman leaves the stage. A thief appears)

*********************************************** 10: Escola Pla de Dalt (10 personages)

Inspector:
Well. Let’s see.
Mr and Mrs Singateh. Your names are Mustafa and Fatima, aren’t they?
Mustafa:
Yes, they are…
But I don’t understand…
Inspector:
OK, OK. Don’t worry.
Mustafa, where do you live?
(A thief rushes in. He’s holding a gun in his hand.)
Thief:
Nobody move!
Grandma:
Would you like a cup of tea, sir?
Mr James:
And some biscuits? They are from my mother-in-law.
Mrs James (crying):
Oh, poor mom!
Thief:
Your mother-in-law?
(To the grandma). Are you his mother-in-law?
Mrs Smith:
No, she’s my mother and Mr James is not my husband.
Thief (to Fatima):
And you? Are you his mother-in-law?
Fatima:
No, I’m not.
Mustafa:
 No, she’s not. She’s my wife, Fatima. And our daughter is only 5 years old.
Thief:
Then, who’s your mother-in-law? Where is she now?
Mrs James (still crying):
She died last year.
Thief:
And you want me to eat these biscuits? Are you trying to kill me? Do you think
I’m idiot? You think I’m idiot, don’t you?
Inspector:
Don’t worry, sir. They are very good biscuits.
Mr James:
I mean, they are a recipe from her mother. I think it was not difficult to
understand.
Mr Smith:
I agree. It was not difficult to understand. Oh, sorry, I don’t mean you are idiot,
but it was easy.
Thief:
I said nobody move! Are you deaf?
Mrs Smith (to the thief):
Why did you say that? You see, she’s crying. She’s so sad because her mom
died last year. And, besides, these are delicious biscuits.
Mr Smith:
Yes, they are her mother’s. I mean, her mother’s recipe.
Fatima:
I also brought some very good biscuits. And it’s my great-grandmother recipe.

Mustafa:
No it isn’t. It’s my great-grandmother. Not yours.
Fatima:
Well, it doesn’t matter, darling. The fact is that ours, are delicious biscuits too.
Thief:
I must repeat! Nobody move! And shut up!

*********************************************** 11: Escola Pia (10 personages)

Mrs James:
Excuse me, sir. Can I go to the toilet?
Thief:
Toilet? You mean you want to go to the toilet? Is it urgent?
Mr James:
Yes sir. It’s urgent.
Thief:
How do you know it?
Mr James:
She’s my wife. She has to go to the toilet. She’s going to have a baby.
Thief:
Right now? Here?
Mrs James:
No. Not now. Within six months.
Thief:
Six months!? Then it’s not urgent.
Oh, I can see a couple of silly policemen to hit a couple of times. Or shall I kill
them? What do you think, dear deaf grandma?
Grandma:
No, no... Don’t kill anybody.
Fatima:
I think we all should sit down and take a cup of tea. I brought some typical
biscuits from our country. They are delicious with tea.
Thief:
Ha, ha. This is an excellent idea. I’ll take your biscuits, your tea and all your
money, jewels....
Mr Smith:
I’m sorry sir, but we haven’t got any money at home. I’ve only got my pocket
money: three pounds.
Thief:
What do you think I can do with three pounds?
Mr James:
I always use my credit card. We have no money at all.
Mrs James:
No money at all. Perhaps, some biscuits?
Inspector:
If you want, I have some money in my pocket.

Thief:
Be quiet! Don’t move one finger. I’m getting nervous.
Mr James:
Well, I gave up smoking last week. I’m also nervous.
Mr Smith:
Listen James, It’s not difficult. I know you will be strong enough to do it.
Mr James:
When did you give up smoking, John?
Mr Smith:
Never. I don’t like smoking. I’ve never smoked.
Mr James:
Then it’s very easy. I understand why you are not nervous.
Fatima:
Nervous? Why don’t we take a cup of tea. Tea is good.
Mrs Smith:
Yes! Please, sit down.
Thief:
No. Nobody sit down. And there’s no tea for you. I’ll take some tea.
You (refers Fatima), prepare a cup of tea for me.
Fatima:
Ok sir. Would you like some milk?
Thief:
No. No milk. I don’t like it.
(Fatima takes a cup, and pours some tea for the thief.)
You, silly policemen, be quiet. And you (refers Fatima), bring me the cup of tea.
(Fatima walks towards the thief. When she is near him, she acts as if she trips
over and runs into the thief. She hits the thief’s gun and it falls down the floor.)
Thief:
What are you doing?
(Immediately, Mustafa captures the thief. The two policemen are amazed.)

************************************* 12: Escola V. Bisaroques (10 personages)

Inspector:
Brilliant! How did you do it?
Grandma:
Oh Fatima, you are great!
Mr Smith:
Congratulations. We caught the thief!
Mrs Smith:
We? You didn’t move a hand, John.
Mr Smith:
Because the thief said “nobody move”.
Thief:
Nobody move!
(The policeman hits the thief)

Grandma:
Finally, it seems it’s teatime.
Fatima:
Yes. And our biscuits.
Mrs James:
You said these biscuits are from Morocco?
Fatima:
Yes, that’s right!
And your mom’s biscuits…
Mrs James (crying again):
Oh, poor mom…!
Fatima:
Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, your biscuits. Do you use unsalted butter?
Mrs James:
Yes, of course! Salted butter, sometimes, becomes bitter.
Fatima:
You are right. Then, if we bake bitter butter, biscuits become bitter. Unsalted
butter is much better.
Grandma:
Here’s your cup of tea, inspector.
Inspector:
 Oh, thank you. But I don’t like tea.
All:
You don’t like tea?
Inspector:
No. I only came in because we wanted to see Mr and Mrs Singateh.
Mustafa:
What can we do for you, inspector?
Inspector:
We know that you and your wife worked for the police in Morocco.
Fatima:
Yes, that’s right.
Mr Smith:
You were policemen?
Fatima:
Well. He was a policeman. I was a policewoman.
Mrs Smith:
Why didn’t you say it before?
Fatima:
Why?
Inspector:
We wanted you to work for us. We need good detectives in Scotland Yard.
Mustafa:
Oh, thank you. Is it possible?
Inspector:
Tomorrow. At seven o’clock. Sharp.
(The policemen and the thief, leave the stage.)
Mustafa:
OK. Seven o’clock, sharp.
Fatima:
Oh, darling. This is what we wanted. We’ll do our job in England.
Mrs Smith:
Congratulations. I’m so happy you are our neighbours. John, you see, Mustafa
and Fatima will work in Scotland Yard.
Mr Smith:
Very good. Very good.
I always say that, in England, we have the best police in the world.
Grandma:
And the best tea!
All English men like fish and chips.

END
Olot, 2009