Hello!

Thank you for

purchasing,
downloading, or
finding this magazine
hidden somewhere in
a business that does
not sell it. From the
publisher of Over 6
Baby Names: Four of
Which are Carl comes
a gentlemans
magazine suitable for
the modern coward. At
long last! A periodical
tailored specifically to
unexceptional,
milquetoast idiots like
yourself.
You may be
asking, should I buy

this magazine?
Thirty-five dollars
seems a bit much.
Do not hesitate! I
guarantee youll be
satisfied, because I
write to you not
only as this
publications chief
writer and editor, I
am also a reader.
Thats right, I have
read every word of
this issue, some of
them many times.
Enjoy!
Brendan Krick
@BarndogKarck

A true coward.

Letters to the Editor

Dear Coward,
Is this like Cosmo, but
for men?
-MK
A true coward cannot in
good conscience call
himself a man.
Dear Coward,
How do I send a tearstained email?
-DR

Here at Confident
Coward, we take you on
your word that you are
crying while composing
emails. Simply include
the word crying in the
subject so it may be
filtered into the correct
inbox.
[Editors note: we did
not receive enough
letters, so we have
included questions

asked of the editor in

person]
Whats the deal with
these kebabs?
-Anonymous
Well, we serve them
tapas style; thats two
kebabs, tzatziki, and
arugula. You can also
get them on a pita, or as
an entree with whipped
potatoes and the veggie
of the day.

Sex! What is it?

A quick google search
defines sex as sexual
activity, including
specifically sexual
intercourse, but what is
that? What does it
mean? I decided to
remember times I had
heard people talking
about sex, and try to
piece it together from
context. No luck. After
stumping our fact
checking department,
this journalist set out to
find an answer: by
going deep undercover
as a man who has had
sex.
My journey
began by assembling a

Do you know what this is?

sexual mans outfit.

After careful
consideration, I settled
on cowboy boots and an
old XFL t-shirt. I soon
found myself at a bar.
Id heard that people
find sex in bars, but I
had only ever used them
as a space to black out
by myself while not
technically being alone.
I approached a group of
men and struck up a
conversation by stating,
I know what sex is,
and I think we should
talk about it.
One of the men
asked me what my
favorite position was.

This confused me, so I

told him that ideally
whoever finds me after I
pass out would roll me
onto my side, so that I
would not choke to
death on my own vomit.
He scoffed at me, and
clarified that he meant
sexual position. Sex
involves positions. I had
my first clue.
With this bit of
info, I decided I needed
to get serious. I called
the Pennsylvania
Department of Health,
and asked for their most
sexual employee. They
hung up on me, but after
redialing and entering

random extensions, I
eventually reached Dr.
Dilbert Dobster. Our
conversation would
change my life.
Dr. Dobster told
me, sex is defined by
the CDC as trying to
put an penis coom in or

around a not you. I

felt like a fucking idiot.
It was all so obvious.
Cooming is essential to
big, meaty boys, but
you should ask your
health care provider if
cooming is right for
you. What if you make

a baby, and its fat and

hates you? What if its a
spider? It all made so
much sense. The answer
had been in front of me
all along.
So there you have
it. Thats what sex is. I
figured it out. I did it.

8 Restaurants to Read Reviews

of Before Going to Arbys Again
Look, we all know youre going to Arbys. Youre not fooling anyone
by looking up Yelp reviews. However, if you insist on playing this little
game, here are some options to pretend to consider before inevitably
settling for a classic beef & cheddar with curly fries.
1. Chilis (Nationwide)
Someone hit the two dollar sign
button, huh? Look at Mr. Big Shot.
2. Guys American Kitchen + Bar
(NY, NY)
Its that Guy Fieri restaurant with the
funny reviews. You know what isnt
funny? Dying alone. You know who
dies alone? People who go to Arbys
three times a week.
3. Firepit Kitchen + Bar (Lancaster,
PA)
This greek inspired restaurant features
delicious burgers, inventive salads,
and indulgent dinner time options like
Pork Osso Bucco. It is noted for

employing fearful journalists and

comedy writers.
4. The Seed (Lancaster, PA)
Whens the last time you went to this
hip, anarchist vegan cafe? Been
awhile, hasnt it? Looks like youve
lost your edge. You even dip your
curly fries in ketchup instead of
Arbys sauce, dont you? You dont
even know what Arbys sauce is.
Youve never tried it, because youre a
fucking coward.
5. Other Arbys (Lancaster, PA)
You knew about the one at the mall,
but apparently theres one on Lincoln
Highway? And its open even later?
This does not bode well.

Daniel (NY, NY)

Daniel Bouluds namesake restaurant
features contemporary, seasonal
French cuisine in a setting that
combines striking neoclassical
architecture with elegant modern
furnishings. You will never, ever be
able to afford a meal here.
7. Roy Rogers (Northeast US)

This weird cowboy restaurant only

exists on toll roads. Youre not
seriously thinking about paying a toll
to get to it, are you? You are. Well
then.
8. Salad Works (Nationwide)
Hahaha. Oh my god. Good one you
fat, depressed fuck. Die. Die in Arbys.

3 Bolo Ties to Wear on a First and Only Date

Lets face it. No ones going on a second date with a guy in a bolo tie,
but you were drunk and remembered what Etsy is. Lets start the list!
Arrowhead Bolo Tie
You were watching Fargo, and saw this beauty
on the smooth assassin Mike Milligan. You didnt
consider that you arent a handsome black man
with a Dave Chapelle voice, nor did you factor in
that the kind of hipster dipshits who might date a
dude who wears bolo ties would immediately
label this one culturally appropriative.

Rose Bolo Tie

This rose medallion is not only stylish, it is
also twice as big in diameter as it appeared on
ebay. Combine the near-constant selfconsciousness of ordinary bolo tie wearing
with the sinking feeling that people think
youre wearing a promotional button from a
florists shop on your throat. What a
nightmare.
Dog Bolo Tie
You felt pretty confident about this one. Its pretty decent
for a bolo tie, but its still a bolo tie. Enjoy trolling OKCupid
girls looking for their good country boy by trying to talk to
them about Taylor Swift.

Wait, What is
Sex Again?
I dont know.

Top Picks from

Your Limited
Tinder Matches

Is this man having sex?

You have six Tinder matches. Here are our top four!

Girl with Throat &

Knuckle Tattoos
She likes pizza and
astrology, like every
other girl youve
dated! As an added
bonus: the knuckle
tattoo is a date from
2012 and RIP
which means
someone whos had
sex with her has
since died.

17 Year Old Lying

About Age
She may have her
age listed as 22, but
you will slowly
become horrified to
learn you are
speaking to a minor!
Somehow,
representing an
actual criminal act is
not enough to bump
her below the top
four.

Girl Sitting on
Toilet for Some
Reason
Lets be real. Youre
getting desperate
and in six months
youd be totally fine
with this. At the
moment, however,
you are not.

Cool Cute Girl

Who Will Not
Message You Back
She said she loves
breakfast food, so
you said you serve
it professionally.
Great job, idiot! Why
dont you use the
super like button,
like a serial killer.

Your Exes! Where are they Now?

Theyre doing great.

Dress for the Job You Want! Body Bags for Spring!
Rachel Zoe, designer and one of
Piperlime's guest editors, picked this
solid taupe body bag as one of her
faves and we can see why: Its fun,
its fit is flattering, it has straps
which we swoon overand its
length is just begging to be shown
off.

The drop waist on this body bag

makes it very French-looking, which
we love, while its crimson color will
make her want to French. Win, win?
We'd say so.

This silk and cotton blend, kneelength body bag is super sweet and
very vibrant. But while it's on the
pricier side, it will leave you looking
ultra polished and, most importantly,
dead.