James Bonding

By
Case Blackwell

email:
woodsinthebear@gmail.com
website:
woodsinthebear.com
INT. CASINO. DAY.
James Bond moves through the crowd, suave as ever. A man
with a metal nose playing Black Jack catches his eye. Bond
strolls up to the man’s table and sits.

BOND
Mind if I join you? I have a real
nose for hot tables.
Dr. Proboscis eyes Bond coldly. A sexy women in a tight
black dress sits next to Bond.
OFILIA COXFAYA
Your senses may lead you astray Mr.
Bond.

BOND
I’ve always preferred sensation
over sensibility. Miss?
OFILIA COXFAYA
Ofilia Coxfaya.

BOND
Coxfaya. I see. I believe that’s a
Georgian-
Bond is distracted by a ripped, swarthy young man wearing
only bulging white boxer briefs. The man walks up to the
table and sits next to Dr. Proboscis.
DR. PROBOSCIS
Ah, Ivan, you join us at last.

Ivan essentially speaks with Bruno’s accent.

IVAN DAS HARDVON
You know me doctor, alvays probing
around.

DR. PROBOSCIS
Is that right? I thought we agreed
I’d be doing the probing tonight.
Ivan and Proboscis hold eye contact for a few moments.

BOND
I don’t believe we’ve been
introduced Mister?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

DR. PROBOSCIS
This is Ivan Das Hardvon, the
finest student I ever had and my
current partner. He has a rare
psychological condition which makes
the wearing of any garment other
than size large Calvin Klein white
boxer briefs utterly unbearable.
The only man ever to rival myself
in the field of Otolaryngology. As
well as... other areas.

As Proboscis speaks Ivan eyes Bond seductively. Bond

maintains eye contact with Ivan as Ofilia shoots concerned
looks between the two.
BOND
I thought you preferred to work
alone Dr. Proboscis.
IVAN DAS HARDVON
No, Mr. Bond, he likes somevon to
vatch.

BOND
And you watch his back?
IVAN DAS HARDVON
Yes. Very, very carefully.

Ivan and Bond eye each other again for a few moments.
OFILIA COX FAYA
(adjusting her cleavage)
We are here to play blackjack,
correct?
DR. PROBOSCIS
Of course madam.

Proboscis nods to the dealer. Cards are dealt face up as

Ivan puts an absolutely gigantic cigar in his mouth and
lights it. Ivan sucks so hard and the cigar burns half way
down in one pull. Ofilia coughs up her drink. Everyone at
the table stares at Ivan as he blows out a giant waft of
smoke for an extended period. Ivan is dealt a four and a
five. Bond is dealt a king and an eight.
IVAN DAS HARDVON
Hit me.
Bond taps the table.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

DR. PROBOSCIS
A man of risk Mr. Bond?

BOND
I simply like big hands.
Both Ivan and Bond are dealt aces. Proboscis is hit and
busts.

DR. PROBOSCIS
Chto za huy.
IVAN DAS HARDVON
Busting early Mein Hengst?

BOND
A common problem.
OFILIA COXFAYA
Even for you Mr. Bond?

Ivan sucks a neon drink from a straw.

BOND
(waving off Ofilia’s comment
as he focuses on Ivan)
Yeah whatever.

IVAN DAS HARDVON

I must confess I know nahsing of
cards. The Ace can be played two
vays, no?

DR. PROBOSCIS
Indeed.
BOND
An attribute I’m appreciating more
and more by the minute.
Ofilia has been dealt two eights. She splits her hand.
OFILIA COXFAYA
Normally I’d say it’s a shame to
split up a perfect pair.
Ofilia leans towards Bond, accentuating her cleavage. Bond
ignores her entirely.
IVAN DAS HARDVON
I’ll stay.
Ofilia, displaying frustration, takes two hits and busts.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

OFILIA COXFAYA
(under breath)
Kle multis mcovela.
BOND
You’ve left me in a hard position
Ivan.
IVAN DAS HARDVON
I hope it’s not your first time in
von.

BOND
Not at all. I often put myself in
them.
Bond taps the table and is dealt a two of hearts.

DEALER
Blackjack sir.
BOND
At last. Two hearts and I’m the
victor.
IVAN DAS HARDVON
You like to come out on top?
BOND
Well, I’m not much for the bottom.
IVAN DAS HARDVON
Hm. Perhaps I could give you a new
appreciation Mr. Bond, but I grow
tired of zese silly games.

Ivan Das Hardvon gets up and begins to exit. Bond watches

him walk away.
OFILIA COXFAYA
Well I like to play games Mr. Bond,
depending on how you play your
cards.
Bond, completely ignoring Ofilia once again, gets up and
follows Ivan.

OFILIA COXFAYA
Or play them wrong. Whatever works
really. I’m flexible... If you stay
my friends and I are known for
doubling down! I’m a compulsive
gambler! That’s why I like it in
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

OFILIA COXFAYA (cont’d)

the hole! Either of them! Sex!
Tits! Damn it...
Bond catches up with Ivan who is pulling a row of chips out
of his briefs.
BOND
What else do you have in there?
IVAN DA HARDVON
It’s vere I store everysing of
value.
BOND
Not much room.

IVAN DA HARDVON
You’d be surprised.
BOND
Tell me Ivan, do you work with
Proboscis for the mob connections
or do you simply find metal
nostrils charming?
IVAN DA HARDVON
You misunderstand Mr. Bond. He’s
not called Proboscis for ze nose.

BOND
Yes I suppose the nose doesn’t look
much like a trunk. Elephants can be
deadly though. Especially when
you’re under them.
IVAN DA HARDVON
Not if zey’re well trained.
BOND
But shouldn’t the trainer do the
riding?
IVAN DA HARDVON
Not if he’s bigger zan ze elephant.

BOND
That’s a circus act I’d like to
see.
Ivan reaches into his briefs and pulls out a room key. He
slides it into Bond’s tux pants.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

IVAN DA HARDVON
Perhaps I vill have to show you.
Ivan blows a smoke ring then walks away, shaking his ass
Marilyn Monroe style. Bond watches until a waiter
approaches.

WAITER
A drink sir?
BOND
Yes. I’ll have a martini... oh who
am I kidding I’ll have the lemon
twist cosmo.
Back at the table, Ofilia sits with her arms crossed.
Proboscis is still stone faced.

OFILIA COXFAYA
That didn’t bother you at all?
Proboscis sneezes, which makes the sound of bending metal.
He recovers.

DR. PROBOSCIS
(tapping to take a hit)
I don’t mind it when Ivan busts to
other men.

Ofilia shakes her head.

OFILIA COXFAYA
(under her breath)
Fags.

END