Dating a Velocita!

By
Case Blackwell

email:
woodsinthebear@gmail.com
website:
woodsinthebear.com
 SCENE: SPEED DATING
Casanova sits at a table wearing a number. Herald
stands upstage, addressing the room.

HERALD
Buona Sera everyone! Welcome to The Venitian Festa de
Dating a Veloicta! Sponsored by Bragadini Papal
Dispensations and Frank’s Sausage Hut. We think 1765 is
going to be an amazing year for Velocita, and if you’re
not convinced, might I point out that the rumors are
indeed true. The fiesta is pleased to welcome this
year’s celebrity dator, fresh from exile, Giacomo
Girolamo Casanova de Seingal!
Casanova waves to the crowd, looking both cocky
and bored.

HERALD
Signoras, please remember, Casanova is not the only man
in the room! Uno alla volta, one at a time, ha ha. So,
without further ado, signoras y signores, let’s date!

Herald rings a bell. Enter Angelica wearing a

number. Casanova speaks with a grimy Brooklyn
accent. Think construction worker/mafioso.
Casanova pays little attention to the girl. He
sits perpendicular to her, facing the audience,
and generally acts bored or too cool.
CASANOVA
Hey doll face.
ANGELICA
(high pitched, ditsy and a little
nervous)
Wow, so you’re really Casanova... you know my motha use
to tell stories about you.
CASANOVA
Oh yeah? Say hi to her for me.
ANGELICA
You remember her?
CASANOVA
Sorry babe. Lotta women have taken the ride. Wait, you
ain’t tryin to say you’re like, the fruits a my labors
or something, right?
ANGELICA
No. Yikes. No way.
 2.

CASANOVA
Good. Don’t need another one of those talks.
ANGELICA
How old are you anyway?

CASANOVA
Don’t worry about it. I’ve aged like a fine banana. Hey
toots, I couldn’t help but notice you look like a real
classy broad, you from a rich family?

ANGELICA
Uh... well, no, no I guess not. My dad works at the
docks and if you remember my mother-
CASANOVA
Not interested. Sorry.
(loudly, to the Herald)
Next.
ANGELICA
You can’t next me. You have to wait for the bell.

CASANOVA
Oh. Great. Ok pumpkin cheeks, here’s the deal, you
gimme 20 bucks, I’ll give ya five minutes in the
gondola I got parked out back.
ANGELICA
(idignant)
What kind of girl do you think I am?
Casanova shrugs.

ANGELICA
... what kinda gondola we talkin?
CASANOVA
Monte Carlo with the fins baby! Cuts through water like
butter.

ANGELICA
Psh. That’s not so great.
CASANOVA
Ok. Fine. Ten.

ANGELICA
I don’t know, you’re not that famous...
CASANOVA
You kiddin me? Anybody sees you with me, you’ll have
paparazzi crawlin up ya garter belt for a month.
 3.

Herald rings the bell.

HERALD
Signoras! Time to switch!
Angelica gets up to leave.
CASANOVA
(a little more panicked)
Ok, fine. I’ll give you the whole package if you let me
stay on your couch for a few nights.
ANGELICA
I guess this is why they say never meet your idols.

Angelica exits. Zanetta enters. Casanova yells at

Angelia over his shoulder. As he’s yelling Zanetta
sits.
CASANOVA
There’s a whole lot more of me to introduce! Deals
still good baby! Ahhhh forget ya.
Casanova turns back to the table. He notices
Zanetta and jumps.
CASANOVA
You gotta be kidding me! Ma, what are ya doin here?
Zanetta also speaks with a grimy Brooklyn accent.
ZANETTA
Well apparently I have to sign up for speed dating just
to get the chance to see my son. Why haven’t you
called? I know you’ve been back in town for a week.
CASANOVA
Ma I been busy. Can’t ya see I’m workin here?

ZANETTA
You call this work?
CASANOVA
I call this an appearance fee. And how about a little
less judgment from the former "dancer."
ZANETTA
Hey! Is that any way to talk to ya motha? The
ingratitude I have to deal with.

CASANOVA
I’m not doing this with you now. Christ. People are
watching.
 4.

ZANETTA
And when exactly are we supposed to do "this?" When’s
the last time you stopped by for dinner? When’s the
last time ya helped out with ya nephew and nieces, or
with ya father’s hospital bills?
CASANOVA
Christ Ma, and you wonder why I don’t check in? All I
get from you are guilt trips. Well I got my own
problems!
ZANETTA
Don’t I know it! Ok. Fine. No guilt trips. Honey, I’m
just worried about you.

Herald rings the bell.

HERALD
Signoras! It’s that time again!
CASANOVA
Thank God.
ZANETTA
I ain’t goin nowhere. You are gonna sit there and have
a real conversation with ya motha for once!

Enter Henriette Versace.

CASANOVA
Ma ya gotta switch, that’s how it works. These broads
are all here to see me! Come on!

HENRIETTE
(well spoken, Italian accent)
Excuse me Miss, I believe you’re in my seat.
ZANETTA
Get ya own seat honey.
Casanova pulls up a third seat.
CASANOVA
Here, just ignore her. She’s my, uhh, manager. And who
might you be doll face?
HENRIETTE
(taking a seat)
Henriette Versace.

CASANOVA
Wait, like, the Versace? As in Versace Corsets and
Wigs?
 5.

HENRIETTE
I don’t particularly like to discuss my father’s
business, but yes.
CASANOVA
(very serious)
Ma, I mean... manager, you gotta get out of here.
ZANETTA
No, I’m not gonna let you keep living like this. You’re
40 years old and your still pretending to be some kind
of, gallivantin playboy or something. It’s pathetic.
Henriette checks herself in a makeup mirror as
Casanova talks, paying him little attention.
CASANOVA
Ma! Gimme a break!
Casanova takes Henriette’s hand. She eyes her
enclosed hand with reserved revulsion.
CASANOVA
Seriously, just ignore her. Say sugar plumb, you ever
seen the backseat of a Monte Carlo?
HENRIETTE
Hah! I don’t ride in Gondollas.

Henriette slides her hand away.

ZANETTA
Good for you honey! A girl like you should settle down
with a nice man. My other son, not this piece of work,
runs his own butcher shop. has 4 beautiful
grandchildren. That’s the kind of man-
CASANOVA
(eyes his mother for a moment then
continues)
Ma! You’re killin me. Always with Tony and his butcher
shop. I’ve met kings for christ’s sake!
ZANETTA
Casy, baby, when are ya gonna get real with yourself?
Why don’t you come stay with me while you get it
together?
HENRITTE
You live with this woman?
 6.

CASANOVA
No. No way. Ma, I’m Casa-frggin-nova. I’m a God damn
legend! Legend’s don’t stay with their mothas.

ZANETTA
You’re peniless and homeless.
HENRIETE
That explains the smell.

Henriette goes back to her mirror.

CASANOVA
You have no idea what I am. Henriette, my little
Venitian flower, whadda ya say we blow this joint? I
can get us into the VIP at Suddore’s. I know the
manager. Champagne, all night, on the house.
HENRIETTE
Suddore’s? As in the Suddore’s the Pope’s cousin owns?

CASANOVA
Hell yeah that Suddore’s
HENRIETTE
(still looking in the mirror)
Hm... ok. That works.

ZANETTA
Are you serious? Why on earth would a nice girl like
you go out with this mess?
HENRITTE
(closing the mirror)
Well, I guess he’s sort of charming, in his own way.
Also because it will really piss off my parents. Make
sure we get a few portraits of us making out, ok?

Casanova and Henriette get up.

CASANOVA
My kinda girl. Guess I’m not homeless tonight, ey ma?
(dumb laugh)
Heh heh!

Casanova and Henriette exit.

ZANETTA
(calling after them)
Yeah, keep kidding ya self honey! Kids today, no
respect.
Herald rings his bell.
 7.

HERALD
Switch time!
Woman enters and sits across from Zanetta.
WOMAN
Wow, Casanova, I didn’t know you had a mustache.
ZANETTA
(to the Herald)
Next.

END