THIS MONTH’S MOTTO

NEWS THAT DOES AMUSE! Don’t go to bed angry!

Sometimes you see or hear news that within the
context of actually living here can’t help but bring a
Stay up & plot your revenge!
smile to your face or make you chuckle!
NEW TRAFFIC PENALTIES
Apparently the DR is going to adopt a point system to Page 6 - Will Walter replace Auntie Social?
penalize drivers for breaking traffic laws that will result Page 7 - Women be warned - FA Cup Finals!
in suspension of licences. Okay first, based on what Page 9 - CM reviews the latest Apple
you see on the roads here every day if this is really product release
enforced then you gotta think that by the end of the first Page 13 - Is this poem full of hot air?
week, if not sooner, there will be only a handful of Page 14 - CM answers your diet FAQ’s!
licenced drivers left! Of course, I’m sure they’re just Page 16 - CM shows you how to outwit
trying to build on the success they’ve had getting all the your boss in only 5 minutes!
motorcycle drivers to wear helmets!
FOREIGNERS LIVING HERE ILLEGALLY TO GET
PROVISIONAL LICENCES TO STAY
Can’t be certain, but this could very well be the first
WHERE ARE WE??
country where you can be a legal illegal alien! You can find copies of Costambar Monthly
BUS SAFETY INSPECTIONS at the following locations:
While laudable, if they take this too far where will we get
our cheap amusement park ride experience? Really, COSTAMBAR PUERTO PLATA
has anyone ever been more scared on a roller coaster Jenny’s Market Supermercado Tropical
than they were on a guagua??
Loase Resort Sam’s Bar & Grill
CRUISE TERMINAL COMING TO PUERTO PLATA
Don’t want to be a doubting Thomas, but really, it’s The Meeting Place
likely your grandchildren will be hearing this one when LAS ROCAS
they have grandchildren! Los Tres Cocos
INSIDE COFRESI
What’s Happening
Desperado’s
Useful Telephone Numbers
Classified Listings Ocean World Marina
Cable TV Channel Listing
The Rainy Day Page LUPERON
Dominican Republic Map Banegra’s Marine Store
AND LOTS OF OTHER FUN STUFF!

AVAILABLE ONLINE!!
www.costambarmonthly.com
Costambar Monthly page 2

WHAT TO DO
THIS MONTH!
Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try
something different. Like Australian Lamb,
Imperial Duck Breast or French Lamb Rack - just
to name a few. Call 809-993-4503 for details.

Loase Resort is available for weddings,

birthdays, spiritual or self improvement groups.
Look for classes in meditation and yoga or
workout with racquetball, handball or wallyball.
Wireless internet, big screen movies and
concerts.

Sam’s Bar & Grill (Bobby’s World) has a great

RD$100 breakfast and quite possibly the best FINALLY!
Fish ‘N’ Chips in the world! Saturdays is BBQ Day, A USE FOR ALL THOSE
Traditional Sunday Dinners and this month
Monday to Friday 1:30-4pm is Sam’s Happy Times BROKEN PLASTIC CHAIRS
with great drink specials! WE HAVE!!!
In the mood for Mexican? Then pass by
Desperado’s Mexican Cantina. Yummy Mexican
dishes, great ocean views and ice cold beer -
doesn’t get better!

New in Puerto Plata is The Meeting Place! This

is your source for popular novels, children’s book
& guidebooks! And they also specialize in books
with DR related content! And for a limited time
if you mention that you saw their ad in
Costambar Monthly you will receive a free
Rachel Ray Cookbook with a RD$500 purchase!!
Starting soon - Theatre School!

Why check out the Ocean World Casino ‘World

Poker Showdown’ running May 21-29. For more
info call 809-291-2000.

An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and
hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you
think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your
hearing aid."
Costambar Monthly page 3

CLASSIFIED ADS FOR SALE

FOR SALE
Large stainless steel BBQ with side gas burner, gas tank,
tools and cover, hardly used and in very good condition
bought for $30,000 peso will sell for $20,000 peso
Contact 829-260-1676
FOR SALE
Baby’s solid pine swing crib with hood and mosquito net,
beige and cream trimmings, all trimmings able to be taken it please contact me at 403-742-8939 or email me at
off and washed bought for $9,500 will sell for $5,000
Contact 828-260-1676
FOR SALE
15HP Johnson outboard motor. Short shaft,good runner, FOR SALE
US$800
Call cel. 809-449-1819
FOR SALE
Fully adjustable portable basketball system with 48 inch
shatter guard xl backboard like new by Lifetime World
Class.( Cost 330.00 US) 10,000 pesos or best offer. Call
Ray @ 809-261-6878
FOR SALE
Honda Lead 100cc pasola, perfect shape colour grey,
Matricula original papers. (see pasola at
www.grundie.com/pisola) $50,000 RD or best offer 809-
543-0728 info@grundie.com
2001 3.5L 4*4 Montero Sport Limited. Fully loaded. Ex-
cellent condition. Well maintained, $11,000 USD Tel
809-7573601
FOR SALE
1999 4 door suzuki jeep in good shape, regularly ser-
viced. I am a lady in Alberta Canada and have had the
jeep for over 1 year now. I am asking RD$250,000 or
US$6,900 .IF you know of someone interested in buying
honest64@msn.com with the subject jeep for sale ...
I will give you more information once you contact me .
"Safeguard" safe, 15"x19"x14"h. Combination and key.
$4500. Photo Mike 809 586 7234.
Costambar Monthly classified ads are free but can only be
placed by emailing costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca
Or calling 809-970-7507 or 809-449-1820
PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are only for personal
items. Commercial properties or enterprises (including
real estate sales or rentals) must purchase an ad.
Classifieds will usually be run for one month only unless
we are otherwise notified.
Costambar Monthly page 4
A man was riding his Harley along a California
beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his
head... In a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think
of the enormous challenges for that kind of under-
taking; the supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resourc-
es. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
and think of something that could possibly help
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead
mankind."
and wiggling our butt while yelling "woo-hoo!" is
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally,
truly the sexiest dance move around.
he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could un-
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick
derstand our wives; I want to know how she feels
someone's butt and honestly believe we could do it
inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what
too.
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now
how I can make a woman truly happy."
look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on
we were just four hours ago.
that bridge"?
5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that
we love them sooooo much.

NIELSEN WELDING & FABRICATION

Located on the Entrance Road to Costambar
Working with Steel, Stainless Steel
& Aluminum
New Fabrications and Repairs
We are also Mobile!
CALL JAN NIELSEN @ 829-962-9690
OR EMAIL tallernielsen@yahoo.com
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,
picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the
checkout counter. The man at the counter asked
the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are
used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for
me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We
saw on TV that if you use these you would be able
to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do
either."
6. We get extremely excited and jump up and
down every time a new song play's because "oh
my god! I love this song!"
7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek
sitting next to us.
8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become
really good at it.
9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheat-
ed us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just
because we can no longer taste the gin.
10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels
strangely like the kitchen sink.
11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when
we sit on it.
12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's
their fault that we're having problems walking
straight.
Costambar Monthly page 5

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her

Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie any- husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the
kitchen.
way-but the Hershey Man will know!
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
This is pretty neat. We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
DON'T CHEAT BY LOOKING DOWN FIRST! going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
It takes less than a minute . STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
Work this out as you read . NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you
worked it out! LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
This is not one of those waste of time things, know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
it's fun. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong
that you would like to have chocolate (more with you? You think I don't know how to fry a cou-
than once but less than 10) ple of eggs?"
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold) The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show
3. Add 5 you what it feels like when I'm driving."
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get
the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this
year add 1760 . If you haven't, add 1759..
6... Now subtract the four digit year that you
were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number HANDLING ALL TYPES OF JOBS INCLUDING:
(i.e., how many times you want to have choco- New Roofing or Roof Repairs
late each week). Tile Installation
The next two numbers are Gas & Water Installation
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
New Building Construction
Carpentry Work
www.costambarmonthly.com New Pools and Pool Repairs
And more
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus Supervision Included
through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, Excellent References
a young guide led them through the process of Site Clean Up After Job Completion
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where Contact Us For a No Obligation Inspection & Quote
many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, Cell 829-817-8056 Email haus.service@hotmail.com
'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they
no longer produce.' A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
your old goats?' him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
bus tours! "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Costambar Monthly page 6

BUILDING LOTS FOR SALE I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
BEAUTIFUL BUILDING LOTS AVAILABLE IN AGUAITA
One who loves to listen all day long,
(Approximately 15 minutes from Puerto Plata)
One who thinks before he speaks,
Some have incredible views of Brugal Valley, Maimon and the Atlantic
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
Ocean in beautiful farm country. Rare opportunity to own a piece of
paradise!! ALL WITH CLEAR TITLES From US$20 per mt2 I want him to be gainfully employed,
Lot sizes from 700mts to 2000mts And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
ALSO FOR SALE House with 2 floors on 1063 sq. M. with Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
incredible view. US$179,995 Massages my back and begs to do more.
Call 516-692-7862 or
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
Email: snovick@netzero.net (subject Aguaita building lots)
And knows what to answer to "How big is my be-
Dear Walter:
hind?"
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for I want this man to love me to no end,
work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV And forever be my very best friend.
as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards
down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my hus- I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
band's help. with huge boobs who owns a
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was pa- liquor store, a golf course and a fishing boat.
rading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing
my make up .I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have
been married for twelve years. When I confronted him,
he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie
because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when
I asked him about the make up, he broke down and ad-
mitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six
months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says
he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave
him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you
please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by
checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes
onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself
is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carbure-
tor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter
Costambar Monthly page 7
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man:
'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any
medical concerns you would like to ask me about?
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I
am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have
sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and
sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any
medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or con-
cerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an
unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold
and chilly after having sex with you the first time,
and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do
you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because
the first time is usually in January and the second
time is in August.'
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, wife was supposed to come with me, but she
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing
teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle
wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on
his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do
you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute "No. They're all at the funeral."
widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a
tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
large 3 bdr. home with gym, office, family room, roof
top Jacuzzi. Guest home with 3 bdrs, pool, both properties
have Central Air and are in move in condition. Property
includes a 2 bdr. staff home. Garages, and a dog house if
needed. Can rent one house and live in the other,
or have a B and B.
2 Bdrs, by the ocean, in excellent condition.
2 bdrs., 2 bthrs. near beach, in excellent condition.
Fully furnished and ready to move in.
– 2 bdrs., 2 bthr., large backyard with two bldgs, that
can be used for entertaining or modified to have extra living
space. Fully furnished
– 3 bdrs., 3 bthrs., balconies in well maintained bldg.,
with pool. Fully furnished, just move in.
– 2 bdrs., 2 bthrs., with large balcony in front of the
beach with a pool. Fully furnished.
- 2 bdrs., den, 2 ½ bthrs., with a panoramic view of
the ocean, and excellent condition.
– 41 ft.
Starting at
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup
Final. As he sits down, another man comes along
and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him..
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their
right mind would have a seat like this for the FA
Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My
passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't
been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess
you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative
or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head...
Costambar Monthly page 8

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walks past. He looks up and
says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come on up and
have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the
koala and they smoke. After a while the little lizard
says his mouth is dry and he’s going to get a drink
from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that
he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little
lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little
lizard: "What's the matter with you?" A six year old goes to the hospital with her grand-
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he mother to visit her Grandpa.
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of
tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
while taking a drink. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon
The crocodile says he has to check this out and as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise
walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the like a frog!"
koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up "What?" said her Grandpa.
and says "Hey Koala!" "Make a noise like a frog please, please, please
So the koala looks down at him and says : - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak,
"Wooow duuude.......how much water did you we're all going to Disney Land!
drink?!!"

BOAT FOR SALE PEARSON 390 SAILBOAT

- Great Liveaboard
- Sleeps up to 7 in 3 Cabins
- Two bathrooms
GREAT US$15,000 - New cushions in Aft Cabin
- Large Cockpit with Shower
- Perkins 410-8 Diesel Engine

OPPORTUNITY! - Solar Panel

- 3kw Inverter
- 3 Burner Stove
- 45lb CQR anchor + Danforth
- Sailing Tender
- VHF Radio + Handheld VHF
- Fishfinder depth sounder
- Pressure Water Pump
- Turks & Caicos Registered
- Needs Some Sails & Running Rig &
TLC
- Lying Luperon
MORE INFO call 809-449-1819
Email colinfinch2000@yahoo.com
 Costambar Monthly page 9

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and

came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow can-
Lucy’s
nibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the cook over and asked, "Why
such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean
one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Order Your Apple Computer announced today that it has

developed a computer chip that can store and play
Heath Insurance Now! high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The i-Tit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size. This is considered to be
a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their
RD$600 breasts and not listening to them.
Includes Dental
(with Drugs RD$760) TENNIS
FOR DETAILED INFORMATION At The Beach Club
Memberships & Classes Available
809-710-7606

A woman walked into the kitchen to find
her husband stalking around with a fly
swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." as soon as I see who's at the door."
PAUL’S BACK!!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or
out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come
up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going
up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table hav-
ing tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you
Costambar Monthly page 10

Police Office 809-320-8510

Police Car 809-320-8840
APC Office 809-970-7877
12 CNN 51 CINE CANAL
APC Gate Security 809-970-7015
22 FOX SPORT 56 SPEED Codetel 809-220-1111
28 BOOMERANG 57 ANIMAL PLANET Edenorte - emergency 809-261-1844
30 ABC 64 SCI-FI
Edenorte - office 809-586-9823
31 NBC 66 FOOD
32 CBS 69 DISCOVERY KIDS Costambar Taxi Stand 809-970-7318
33 TBS 70 WEATHER
34 CNBC 71 CINEMAX
Canada 809-586-5761
35 ESPN-1 72 SHOWTIME
36 WGN 74 STARZ
Britain 809-586-4244
37 CDN 79 NASA U.S.A. 809-586-4204
40 TNT 80 JETIX German 809-586-6995
42 USA 81 CARTOON
Italian 809-320-7601
43 ESPN-2 83 TNT LA
44 DISCOVERY 84 HISTORY
46 DISNEY 85 THE FILM ZONE Clinica Bournigal 809-586-2342
49 HBO
Clinica Brugal 809-586-2519
Los Tropicos Pharmacy 809-970-7607
Costambar Monthly page 11

SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 14 WORD SEARCH

SUDOKU PUZZLES
Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and
quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.

ADIA DIANA MY SHARONA

ALISON ELEANOR RIGBY NIKITA
AMANDA ELVIRA OH SHERRIE
ANGIE GLORIA PEGGY SUE
BARBARA ANN JOANNA RHIANNON
BETH JOLENE ROSANNA
BILLIE JEAN KYRIE ROXANNE
BRANDY LAYLA RUBY TUESDAY
CANDIDA LITTLE JEANNIE SARA
CARRIE ANNE LUCILLE SHERRY
CECILIA MAGGIE MAY SUSIE Q
CLAIR MANDY SUZANNE
DELILAH MICHELLE SWEET CAROLINE
DELTA DAWN

Across
1. Communication
5. Wrack
6. Stir up
7. Wander
Down
1. Condiment
2. Frugal
3. Norm
4. Perpetual
Costambar Monthly page 12
These are genuine (or not) clips from English council
complaint letters - so read and enjoy how others put
their thoughts into words.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my
back passage has fungus growing in it. With magicJack you get:
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house -Free long distance calling to anyone in the U.S., Canada
and I just can't take it anymore. and Puerto Rico!
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. -Free calls to the U.S. or Canada from anywhere in the
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has World!*
backfired and burnt my knob off. -Your own free local U.S. Or Canadian phone number!
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, -Free calls to any magicJack-enabled phone in the World!
very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back *It’s portable. You can use your magicJack anywhere there’s high speed inter-
net service (DSL, Broadband, WiFi, etc.) in the U.S. or abroad
passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his
Plus you get voicemail, call waiting, and directory assis-
balls against my fence.
tance - and it’s all free!
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the out-
side toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night
YOU PAY JUST RD$1900 FOR YOUR magicJack AND
that blew them off. IT INCLUDES FIRST YEAR’S SERVICE FREE!
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? After first year, magicJack is only US$19.95 per year.
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming That is only US$1.67 per month!
away from the wall. Tienda Magic Jack
10. Will you please send someone to mend the
garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, Calle Separacion #49
and now she is pregnant. (south of Casa Nelson, near HKM Printing)
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the CALL OR EMAIL FOR MORE INFO
kitchen. 809-440-4412
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling tiendamagicjack@gmail.com
plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new
drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the
VIVERO!!!
children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is
PLANT
a funny colour and not fit to drink. Open to the Public
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in
three pieces. All Types of
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road;
every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's Palms, Flowering & Foliage Plants
now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back
Landscaping & Garden Maintenance
garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and
Services Available
would like a third, so please send someone round to do
something about it.
BEST PRICES ON THE NORTH COAST
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and Open Monday-Friday 8:30am to 5pm
would you please do something about the noise made And By Appointment
by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the Call George (Lettuce)
job and satisfy my wife. 809-543-8041
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six
times, but I still have no satisfaction.
Km. 11 Carretera PP-Imbert
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is (In front of PARADA DINAMICA)
broke and we can't get BBC2 “Just past the fish places”
Costambar Monthly page 13

JENNY’S MARKET
Everything You Need A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
At Good Prices! It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
Open 8:00am to 9:30pm daily
Calle Principal, Costambar A fart can be quiet,
Tel: 809-970-3028 A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,

The British Embassy Wants You to Know Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song....
Register with LOCATE at
https://www.locate.fco.gov.uk/locateportal/ A fart can create
A most curious medley,
www.costambarmonthly.com A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur

In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road
and dies.
Thought For the Day:

IF MEN WOULD JUST LISTEN ...

Costambar Monthly page 14
When our lawn mower wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, some-
how I always had something else to take care of
first; the truck, the car, playing golf - always some-
thing more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point. When I arrived home one day, I found her
seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with distilled wine, that means they take the water out of
a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out
again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat,
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep
the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always
have a limp.
A married man should Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
forget his mistakes. A:whales
There's no use in two Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
people remembering Well,
the same thing!
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can pro-
long life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will
not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want
to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits
and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegeta-
bles. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source
of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want
a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
If swimming is good for your figure, explain
to me.
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food and diets.
Costambar Monthly page 15
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A REDNECK CHURCH IF....
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..The
finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..When
the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take
up the offering," five guys and two women stand
up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .. Open-
ing day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... A
member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in
a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The
choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... In a
congregation of 500 members, there are only sev-
en last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The
baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling"
washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The
choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .. The
collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56
Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... In-
stead of a bell you are called to service by a duck
call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The
minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The
communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The
final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back
now, Ya hear".
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf
course, meet his buddies and play a round..
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on
the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought
my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in
brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new
car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry
Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
And she said "Take a sweater."
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Costambar Monthly page 16
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly
wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop
that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands
her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back up-
stairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor’, she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the
$800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a
leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his
hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on
her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a
great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They
rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Al ways let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
very high up..
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed
the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' re-
plied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey
was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly
spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there....
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your
mouth shut!
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Costambar Monthly page 17
Costambar Monthly page 18

DON’T LAUGH!

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk

two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he
snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them
stay with him the whole time, so they voted to You know you’ve been in at least one
take turns. washroom just like this in the DR! Maybe
The first night, John slept in Steve's room and even more! Maybe even worse! And if you
came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a haven’t then how can you even say you
mess and his eyes all bloodshot. know the country! But as ingenious as it is,
The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to what’s the point since it’s unlikely there’s
you?" running water!
He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was Gary's turn. In the morning,
same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
Once again they asked,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't
sleep a wink. I just watched him all night."
open
The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big cold beer!!! 12pm daily
burly guy who loved to fish and hunt - a man's
man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. m oc e g r e a t
m a arve an t spry
The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what r g llou
ar s vie
w
ec ou
ia t
ita s!
happened?" s !
ls
!
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long." fa bur ta
jit
as rito co
! s! s!
Costambar Monthly page 19

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Costambar Monthly page 20

Jose del
809
Carmen Ariza 399-4568
#34, o b b y ’ s Wo r ld
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