Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Im Tired
Yes Im tired. For several years Ive been blaming it on
middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution,
saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax
build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder
if life is worth living. But Ive found out it isnt that at
all.. Im tired because Im overworked. Take a look at
the facts. The population of this country is 51 million and
21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the
work. There are 19 million in school. That obviously
leaves 11 million. Of this 2 million are unemployed and 4
million are employed by the government. That leaves 5
million to do the work. One million are in the armed forces
and 3 million are employed by the county and borough
councils. This whittles down to one million to do the work.
But 938,256 people are in prison and 61,742 are in
hospital. That leaves 2 people to do all the work.
You and me.
And if youre sitting on your backside reading this, no
bloody wonder Im so tired!
The copper then says And what speed were you doing
sir?
About 40 or so, comes the reply.
The copper says I recorded your
speed at 55mph and the speed limit
here is 30mph anyway. May I see
your driving licence please?
Im sorry officer I havent got one
as I never took my test.
Can I see the vehicle registration
document and your insurance?
I have not got any insurance or
other documents because the car is
stolen. There is a gun in the glove
box which I used to kill the woman
who owned the car. Her body is in
the boot.
Stay there sir and dont move.
Then the copper radios for back up.
A helicopter arrives and then the armed response team
screams up and surrounds the car. An armed inspector
approaches the car and he says to the driver Have you got
any identification sir ?
Yes certainly officer. Here is my driving licence and the
man passes over his licence.
Do you have any other documents? Asks the inspector.
Yes certainly officer says the man and adds They are
in the glove box.
The Inspector says to him Slowly open the glove box and
take them out with two fingers. This the man does and the
Inspector looks at them and sees that they are perfectly in
order. He also looks in the empty glove box and can clearly
see that there is no gun there. Then he says Would you
open your boot pleases sir?
This the man does and there is nothing there. The Inspector
says I dont understand, my officer said there was a body
in the boot, the car was stolen and you had no documents.
Yes came the reply, and I bet he told you I was
speeding as well.
A five year old little girl is on her first school holidays and
making a nuisance of herself with her mom so her uncle
offers to take her to work with him for the week on his
building site. The builders find her a hard hat and keep her
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busy carrying tools around the site for the whole week. The
little girl enjoys herself and at the end of the week her
uncle gives her 50p and tells her that it's her wages. The
little girl goes home and tells her mom that she has got 50p
wages so her mom says to her We had better go to the
sweet shop so that you can spend it on sweets and off they
go.
When they get to the shop the little girl tells the woman
shopkeeper about the 50p wages for helping her uncle and
the woman says Are you going to work next week as
well?
Yes replies the sweet little 5 year old girl if the f--k-ng
bricks come!
A rude young man goes to the doctors for an injection. The
attractive young woman doctor says to him Take your
trousers down please. The
young man does and pulls
out his penis then says
Look at this its gruesome
isnt it?
The woman doctor replies
It is not gruesome it is just
functional. Now put it away
please.
The young man still holding
his penis says It is
gruesome, look its just
gruesome more.
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There are two Irish men waiting in the disability office for
an interview. They are both there for hearing loss. The first
is called in to be interviewed. He goes in and sits down in
the chair.
The interviewer quietly whispers, Shut the door.
So the Irishman gets up and shuts it. Theres nothing
wrong with your hearing says the interviewer. Send the
next one in.
The first Irish man leaves the room and says to his mate
outside If he tells you to shut the door, dont.
The second man goes in and sits down. Again the
interviewer whispers Shut the door.
The Irish man replies Do it your bloody self.
A lady was having a bath when the door bell rang so she
called out to her young daughter to answer it. The little girl
opened the door and said hello to the man standing there
Who are you? she asked.
Im the blind man came the reply.
So the little girl called out to her mother that a blind man
was there. Her mother shouted down to the little girl to
show him up, which she did. When he entered the
bathroom he said My what a lovely pair of tits, now where
do you want the blind fitting?
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My mate is a bus driver and he was out in his bus the other
day when he saw an old man flag him down between stops.
As he has to stop at an authorised stop he drove on a
couple of hundred yards to the nearest stop and waited for
him. He saw the little old man running hell for leather to
the bus and watched him climb aboard. My friend said,
You must be fit. Youre not even out of breath to the
little old man.
Yes the man replied and
Im still having sex at 74.
My friend murmured his
surprise and the old man
continued My wife does not
like it though because we
live at 63.
A wine gum goes to the doctors and says to the doctor I
think I have got aids doctor.
The doctor asks him why and the wine gum replies
Because I have been sucking all sorts.
the road. He pulls over and says Where are you going?
Would you like a lift Father?
The priest replies Im going to the church about a mile
down the road, thank you I would appreciate a lift to save
my weary legs and with that he gets into the truck.
A little further down the road the lorry driver sees an estate
agent at the side of the road and shouts out theres an
estate agent and with that he swerves the truck but misses
him as he remembers that he has a priest in the lorry and
then as he goes past he hears a bang. The driver says Im
sorry father I dont know what came over me, I missed
him.
The priest replies No need to apologise my son, I opened
the door as we went past and hit him with that.
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Have you heard about the two old ladies who were walking
through the park the other night? A flasher jumped out on
them, opened his coat and showed them all his manly
charms. The one old lady had a stroke, she was alright
though. The other old lady was a bit upset
because she couldnt reach to have a stroke.
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An old man and his son are talking over lunch one day
when the son says, Dad you will have to go into a nursing
home because my wife and I feel we just cant cope with
you and all your different medications any more. Will you
try it for a week and see how you get on?
The old man replies Alright but I am sure that I wont like
it.
So he goes into a home and the pair meet again over lunch.
The young man says to his father How are you getting on
dad?
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When you are three years old success is not wetting your
pants.
When you are seventeen years old success is passing your
driving test first time.
When you are twenty-one success is having sex with a
beautiful girl.
When you are fifty success is measured by your wealth.
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When you are sixty success is still being able to have sex
with a beautiful woman.
When you are seventy success is being able to keep your
driving licence.
When you are eighty success is being able to get to the
toilet quick enough so that you dont wet your pants.
Well son you had better come with me and with that he
leads the boy upstairs to his mothers bedroom where she is
sleeping. Then the boys father pulls the sheet back and
lifts up her nightdress and says, You see that furry bit?
That is a pussy.
The little boy says, Can I stroke it?
No His father replies, You will wake the c-nt up.
An Irishman goes to
the doctors and says
Doctor I cant cope
with my wifes sexual
demands. What can I
do?
The doctor replies
Run 5 miles every
day and then after a
week phone me and
tell me how you are
getting on."
Seven days goes by and the man phones the doctor. How
are things with your wife? asks the doctor.
The man replies I dont know, I have not seen her replies
the man Im staying in a B&B 35 miles from home.
knife and fork. When the meal comes the old man divides
the meal between himself and his wife. The young man
goes over to them and says, I dont wish to seem rude but
I could not help noticing that you only bought one meal
between you. Would you like me to buy you another one so
that you can have one each?
The old man replies Its alright son, we believe a marriage
should be built on equality and sharing. So ever since we
got married we have shared everything, every penny we
have had and every meal.
The young man goes back and sits down, then he sees that
the old woman is not eating so he asks her Arent you
hungry, perhaps I can get you something else?
No she replies, this is fine I cant eat yet because its his
turn to have the teeth.
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A week later they meet and the black man says, Have you
had any success?
Well sort of says the white man My dick has gone black
like yours.
No She replies.
The Irishman says Well you have now because the tide
has gone out."
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Two young nuns go into an off licence and ask for a bottle
of vodka. The man in the shop says I dont think I should
sell a bottle of vodka to you nuns.
One of the nuns says, Its for Mother Superiors
constipation.
Vodka for constipation, I have never heard that. He says.
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Then she says I can read it now, and she sees that the
writing says I love you. Then she says, I think you are
trying to put words into my mouth.
flops it out. Then he lets rip and it goes all over the table,
the bar and even the Landlords face. In fact it goes
everywhere but in the glass.
The Landlord laughs wiping it off his face and says That
is 200 you owe me, pay up.
Certainly says the man Here you are, its a pleasure
doing business with you.
What are you so happy about? says the Landlord You
have just lost 200.
Well says the man I bet those men over there at the pool
table 500 that I could pee on your bar and even on you
and you would not get mad, but would laugh about it.
Three
newly
married
couples stay at the same
hotel in adjacent rooms.
The first couple go to bed
and get undressed. The
man seeing his wife naked
for the first time says My
what a fine pair of big tits
you have. And his new
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wife slaps him hard across the face, so he goes out onto the
balcony and sits down.
The second couple go to bed and the man sees his wife
naked for the first time and says My what a great big arse
you have. He gets his face slapped and so he goes out
onto the balcony where he sees the man next door and they
talk. Suddenly from the third room they hear an almighty
slap and the third newly wed man comes out onto his
balcony. The first man says to him Did you put your foot
in it as well?
I could have done! he replies.
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Next week the Toy maker sees Pinocchio again and says to
him Did you rub your prick with the sandpaper like I said
and how are you getting on with the girls now?
Pinocchio replies Yes I did, who wants girls when you
have got a piece of sandpaper?
Yes alright, but I can only give you two hours, The
interviewer replies.
After 2 hours the Irishman goes back and the interviewer
asks him Well you have had time to think about it now,
how many Ls are there in The Can Can?
The Irishman replies, I have not got the exact figure but
there are about 220 Ls.
The interviewer says to him I dont understand, explain
yourself.
The Irishman goes Laa la la la la la laa la. (Sung to the
tune of the can can)
A little boy sits on a bench next to a
man wearing a dog collar. The little
boy says Hey Mister, why have you
got your shirt on back to front?
The man replies, I am a priest, well
a father actually.
The little boy retorts My dads a
father, I am his son, but he does not
wear his shirt back to front.
The priest replies, I am a father to
hundreds of people.
The little boy says I know how you can stop that. When
you go to bed wear your Y Fronts back to front.
An old man and his wife come back from their holiday and
go down to the pub. He is getting a bit forgetful and when a
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Have you heard the latest idea? They are training Shetland
Ponies to act as guides for blind
people. They say they are intelligent
and live a lot longer than dogs. Can
you imagine getting into a taxi with
one though? Excuse me mate you
take guide dogs in your car dont
you?
Yes of course but that isnt a guide
dog.
Its fully trained it will sit on the seat
next to me.
Fk Off thats a pony. If you want to go somewhere why
dont you ride it.?
What about if you went into a shop.
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I know a young lad who plays darts and is not very good.
Of course he is at a disadvantage to every body else
because while most people throw from 7 feet 9 1/4 inches
he throws from about 10 feet. He doesn't want to but he has
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"You can't dress like that grandma, I've got some friends
coming round in a bit."
The grandma replies, "If you can show off your rose buds I
can show off my hanging baskets."
A man goes into a strange
pub and starts chatting to
some of the local darts
players when they ask him if
he wants a game. He says "I
have never played a game of
darts before but I will give it
a go if you tell me what to
do."
After playing for about an hour he has not lost a single
game and has hit some fantastic shots. One of the players
says to him "I thought you had never played before?"
The man replies "No I haven't, but there are a lot of flies in
my flat and I have got some old darts which I throw at
them and pin them to the wall."
"No wonder you are so good then if you can do that. But
doesn't it make a mess on the wall?"
"Not really" replies the man "Because I only pin them by
their back legs."
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people think she is a bitch but she is better than any dog at
sending off the cats that plague our garden. Her eyesight is
not very good but if I see one I shout Cats! and she goes
rushing to the back door and out into the garden to chase
them off.
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A zoo is closing down and selling off all of its animals. All
that is left is a Zebra. A farmer comes along and says, I
have got lots of fields that she can run round in, Ill have
her. The farmer takes the Zebra home and lets her out into
a field then says to the Zebra There is lots of other
animals you can talk to. Go and introduce yourself. So the
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The farmer cuts my thick fleece and his wife spins it and
then she knits the wool to make sweaters to keep her
family warm in the cold weather.
Thats good, says the Zebra. It was nice to meet you
and then she wanders off. Next the Zebra spots a big black
thing galloping round the field. The Zebra says Im a
zebra what are you?
Im a stallion it replies.
The Zebra says And what do you do?
The stallion replies, Get those f--k-ng stripey pyjamas off
and Ill show you!
Paddy is on Millionaire and Chris asks him For 64,000
who was the Great Train Robber? Was it A: Ronnie
Barker. B: Ronnie Corbett. C: Ronnie Lane. Or D: Ronnie
Biggs.
Paddy thinks for a minute and says, I think Ill take the
money, I dont want to answer that.
Chris says Are you sure you dont want to answer that?
Yes Replies Paddy Ill take the money thank you.
The next day Paddy is in the pub with his mates and one of
them asks him why he did not answer the question. You
must have known the answer, he says.
Of course I knew it was Ronnie Biggs. But Im no grass.
He replies.
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there?
Oh, certainly! Then he lowered his voice. Not everyone
is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying
this string to the tip of our you know what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent.
After you get it out, how do you put it back?
Well, he whispered, I don't know about the others, but I
use the spoon.
A man goes to a pet shop and
says to the assistant I want to
buy a talking parrot.
The assistant says, I am sorry
but I have just sold the last
talking parrot, but I have got a
woodpecker that I could let you
have.
But can he talk? the customers
asks.
No replies the pet shop man
But he is good at Morse code.
A man has been on a safari expedition and he is talking
about his trip in the pub. I was chased by a lion you
know, he says. I ran away from him as fast as I could but
he kept getting closer. Then when he was almost upon me
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A man takes his wife to play golf for the first time and on
the first tee his wife hits the ball and slices it towards the
expensive houses nearby. The ball sails into a large
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have mad sex for three hours. While lying on the bed
exhausted the Genie says to the woman One thing puzzles
me. How old are you?
The woman replies 36 years old, Why?
Well says the man I am surprised you still believe in
genies.
A man goes to the Doctor and says Doctor, I have got
something wrong with my bottom, can you have a look at it
for me?
The Doctor says Yes of
course, drop your trousers for
me will you. The man does
and the doctor looks up his
bottom. My goodness
Exclaims the doctor There
is a ten pound note lodged up
inside.
Well dont just stand there
looking at it, says the man
Pull it out.
The doctor pulls it out and
then a twenty pound note
appears followed by another twenty and then another and
so on. Eventually the doctor pulls out the last and says to
the man Well that is the last, there are no more up there.
The man says That feels better and then asks Doctor
how much money is there altogether?
The doctor counts it and replies There is exactly 1,990.
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The man says I thought there would be, I knew that I was
not feeling Two Grand.
A company was holding a convention in London one year.
There were 3 Scotsman and 3 Englishmen travelling from
their Birmingham office to London and back. The
Englishmen had all bought tickets and were talking about
how expensive they were but the Scotsmen had only
bought one ticket between them. The
Englishmen started laughing at how
the Scotsmen would get caught and
have big fines to pay. Suddenly one of
the Scotsmen shouted out Here
comes the Ticket inspector! with that
they all rushed to the bathroom and
shut the door. When the inspector
came round for the tickets he knocked
on the door and said Ticket please.
With that a ticket was passed under
the door and he moved on. The
Englishmen felt really silly as they could have got away
with buying only one ticket. On the return journey the
Englishmen only bought one ticket between them. The
Scotsmen did not buy a single ticket and the Englishmen
were puzzled. When the lookout shouted Conductor
coming. The Englishmen dived into the bathroom and
shut the door. Then before the real inspector came one of
the Scotsmen knocked on the door and said Ticket
please.
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Three office staff go out for lunch one day, two telephone
sales people and the office manager. On the way to the
restaurant one of the sales staff sees a brass lamp lying in a
skip. They pick it up and rub it for luck but a genie
appears.
The
Genie says I
normally give 3
wishes but as
there are 3 of
you I will give
you one wish each.
The first person says
I would like to
spend the rest of my
life as a millionaire
living a life of
luxury
in
the
Bahamas.
The second sales person says I want to be a millionaire
with a life of luxury in Florida relaxing with a beautiful
blond by my side.
The Genie turns to the manager and asks What is your
wish?
The Manager replies I want those two back in the office
and working after lunch.
A man and his wife are asleep in bed one night when they
are woken by a loud knock on the door. Sleepily the man
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A man is going to bed with his new girlfriend for the first
time and they start getting undressed. He takes off his
shoes and socks and she looks at his feet and laughs. Your
feet are all misshapen and funny looking she says.
Yes he replies, I had a bad case of Tolio when I was
younger.
Dont you mean Polio? she replies.
No, Tolio. It is a very rare disease. Im over it now but it
left my feet all sort of funny and misshapen.
Then he takes off his trousers and the girl laughs again.
Your Knees are all funny and misshapen, she says.
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