Pitch

By Donna Arriaga
Inspired by P.K.D.¶s ã
 .

Emma Goldwater had attained all of the hoped for luxuries that any comfortable,

bourgeois, middle-aged woman could ever want. She dwelled in a five bedroom home

with her husband, who was the head plastic surgeon in L.A.¶s finest reconstructive

surgery hospital, and with her two lovely children. She hated white picket fences, so

opted for brick pillars spaced by hand-crafted black iron fencing. She was especially

proud of the fence²it had taken her six months to find the Venetian artisan who had

welded the Robertson¶s iron gate. Her house was always immaculate, thanks to Rosy²

who¶s Murphy¶s Soap Oil-ed hands never failed to spare Emma¶s French manicure from

undue manual labor.

Yes, the house was spotless; the pool had just been cleaned; and Fifi¶s wonderful,

puffy, little poodle rings had recently been trimmed²thanks to Dorian¶s House-Call Dog

Grooming Service. All was in order, and Emma Goldwater was more than excited for

her cocktail party later this evening. Everything was so perfect«

Everything was perfect« except for the dirty little shadows lurking beneath the

perfection. Dirty, taunting shadows were everywhere. They were in her hair, on her

face, in her bathroom, and in her food. She pulled the corner tab of her Slim-and-Trim

low carb frozen entrée and popped it into the microwave, and the taunting began. ³Just

350 calories, 3 grams of fat, and 1²yes a ²gram of carbohydrates. You¶ll be dining

in seventh heaven when you bite into this guilt-free chicken cacciatore dinner.´

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 For most of the morning, Emma had been able to chase away the voices with a

couple Vanilla Stoli martinis, but apparently her Russian friend in a bottle had lost his

effectiveness. In a desperate attempt to drown the delirium, Emma flipped on her Bose

acoustic radio. Her ears perked up to Stravinsky¶s Petrushka; she felt the power of the

music rush through her ears and into her veins.

Sweet music charmed her for 4 minutes and 25 seconds. Then the microwave

beeped, and Emma removed her previously frozen chicken cacciatore. She sat at the

table and was content to notice the music was loud enough to mask the smacking, slimy

sounds of mastication. Emma had not yet lifted her fourth forkful into her mouth when

Stravinsky ceased to pound through the air and a dirty little commercial break crept in,

polluting the kitchen. ³Keep your skin looking young and vibrant with Maybeline

Rejuvenating Facial Cream. Our patented formula is clinically proven to visibly reduce

the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. Choose Maybeline, because every woman

deserves healthier, younger-looking skin.´

Emma looked past the rim of her plate into the black glass table top and studied

her reflection. The fine features of her face²a face yet untouched by her husband¶s

cosmetic scalpel²gracefully maintained delicate traces of 47 years of smiles, frowns,

shock, and confusion. With her manicured, right index finger she traced the fine lines of

laughter stretching from the corner of her eyes to her tender temples. She traced those

fine lines²the lines she believed colored her with grace, dignity, and an air of wisdom²

and suddenly began to doubt herself. She doubted her adamant refusal to succumb to her

husband¶s beauty blade. She doubted as the voice chimed ever more loudly, ³Clinically

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proven to visibly reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles« Reduce the

appearance of fine lines and wrinkles«. Fine lines and wrinkles.´

Emma knew all too well how thoroughly the shadows can creep into one¶s life.

They were everywhere, seeping into the psyche by way of television, radio, newspapers,

magazines, and billboards. The shadows are a virus that can not be destroyed. The virus

works its way deep into the recesses of the mind until the body becomes a puppet

commanded by the pull of a string. And Emma¶s strings were being pulled.

Strings pulled her and her family into the direction of idealized perfection. Emma

was a middle-aged woman on a low carb, low fat diet. She massaged a daily application

of Maybeline Rejuvenating Facial Cream into her healthier, younger-looking skin. Zoloft

chased away her blues²because God knows depression simply has no place in a

perfectly health life. Meanwhile, her husband¶s libido surged with the power of a young

adolescent boy with a little help from Viagra. Crest Tartar Control with Whitening

maintained her children¶s bright smiles. And Fifi the family dog consumed two servings

per day of Pureena¶s Specially Formulated Dog Chow Senior 7+. Yes friends and

neighbors, the voices had taken control of this family.

Fortunately, I have managed to safely avoid the lure of the shadow¶s trap. Driven

by a desperate attempt to squash the voices in my own noggin, I have constructed a

simple little device that manages to successfully protect me from the unwanted taunts of

idealized perfection. The inconspicuous device rests comfortably behind my left ear. If

you too fear the onset of the shadowy vocal invasion, know that I have lived your fear

and felt your frustration. I can help. Call (787) 466-7733 today.

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