Get Rock-Solid Frame Control with the Women You Like, Guaranteed

Frame control is an incredibly necessary thing for you to master, both internally and externally, for
finding success with women. Guys that have it get their way with girls. Guy who don't get
steamrolled by girls. You see it go both ways every day.
If it feels like an intangible topic, it isn't. Rather than going into specific definitions (we'll get into
that in a bit), let me give you some examples of what we're talking about. A guy's got control of the
frame when he:
Gets a girl who's hemming and hawing to stop doing that and come with him
Takes a girl who's trying to act coy and aloof and excites and intrigues her enough to make her
chase him
Nimbly deflects jealous friends trying to derail or interfere with his progress with their cute friend
Shrugs off women's attempts to throw him off-balance, by being overtly sexual or overly rude, and
remains calm, in control, and attractive
On the other hand, a guy's relinquished control of the frame when he:
Buckles to a woman's insistent demands
Revokes his request for a woman to comply with his desires before she's done so
Allows others to interrupt or derail him
Gets flustered and off-balanced by a woman's tests
The average woman tends to be much more talented at frame control than the average man. And
here's why that's not good for the average man:
Frame control is how you lead decisively, remain calm and attractive, and above all, get what you
want.
If you aren't able to control the frame, you aren't able to get what you want with women, and
women don't want men who can't get what they want. It's a cruel world, but without frame control,
women will push and push a man -- right up until they push him out of contention for them.

What are "Frames?"

Wikipedia defines a frame (as used in the social sciences) as
"... a schema of interpretation that is, a collection of anecdotes and stereotypesthat individuals
rely on to understand and respond to events."
In other words, a frame is a way of seeing the world.
If you're a tattoo artist, you may have the frame that you are the most talented tattoo artist in the
world. You don't just ink people... you create works of art.
That's a frame. That's a way of seeing things and interpreting the world.

What happens every day in your life, however, is that your frames are constantly encountering the
frames of others -- and, like survival of the fittest, the strongest frame usually wins the day.
The rawest example might be two guys who meet in the street, each thinking he's bigger and badder
than the other. The two of them posture, stare each other down, and growl a bit. Finally, one of them
gives in and walks away.
His frame just broke to the other man's.
The man who lost walks away defeated, his frame broken. The man who won gets to keep his frame
intact, and all feels right with the world.
Another example might be a girl telling you she doesn't sleep with a man on the first date. She
keeps telling you this; you keep pushing for the close. Eventually, one of your frames will break;
either you'll give up trying to sleep with her on the first date (your frame breaks), or she'll give up
trying to wait and she'll sleep with you (her frame breaks).
In the pick up community, these encounters are called "frame battles;" I prefer to call them "frame
encounters." The term "battle" paints situations like this as inherently confrontational -- one of the
major problems with general pick up community dogma (most of it treats seduction as an
adversarial relationship with a woman, when in fact it functions much better when treated as a
cooperative enterprise where you and a woman seduce one another together).
So for the purposes of this post, I'll be talking about frame encounters -- how you should act in
them, what you can expect to happen, and how you can retain frame control and have things work
out, for both you and the girl.

Understanding Frame Encounters

Why do frames clash? Well, in fact, it's usually because of differing expectations among the parties
involved.
Here's what I mean:
A woman thinks you'd make an excellent boyfriend, only for you to start moving faster than she'd
expect a boyfriend candidate would or should
You've had a great but friendly and platonic conversation or even relationship with a girl, then
suddenly try and take things romantic or sexual
A girl you've been seeing casually views you as purely a casual lover, but then you begin acting
possessive toward her and treating her like a jealous boyfriend would
Expectations strongly influence frames.
The problem that most guys run into, then, is that the expectations they set do not match the actions
they later take -- prompting frame encounters. Here's a typical scenario:
Let's say Chuck meets Lindsay, a really cute girl, at a party one night. Chuck likes Lindsay a lot, but
he isn't sure the right things to do, so he keeps things friendly and neutral so as not to scare Lindsay

off. Consequently, Lindsay comes to view Chuck as just a friend, and comes to expect him to act as
such.
But Chuck grows bolder, and as time passes he begins trying to push for things. He asks Lindsay to
meet up with him for dinner; Lindsay politely declines and suggests they do something together
with friends.
Then, Chuck gets a little too drunk at the next party, and he tries to get Lindsay to give him a kiss.
"But we're friends!" Lindsay exclaims. Chuck can't believe it; how can she only think of him as just
a friend?
That's the kind of thing the pick up community would refer to a frame battle, but it's actually just an
encounter of different frames based on different expectations resulting from a lack of proper
expectation setting from the beginning.
Chuck set the wrong expectations with Lindsay from the start, so she came to view him in a way
that was different than how he thought she should view him.
Then, when he tried to act along the way he actually felt -- and the way he thought she should view
him -- what he found was that she pushed back against this, not feeling the same way or thinking he
should act the way he was at all.
Frame differences therefore don't come, too often, from irreconcilable differences between the
sexes; they most often come from a failure to properly communicate the right expectations from the
outset.
frame control

Frame Control and Expectations

If I told you I was going to tell you how to become a business owner and make all the money of
your dreams for just $20, and you agreed, and then I said, "Okay. Now if you'll just give me my
$50, we can get started," you'd balk and tell me, rightly, that we agreed to $20.
Now, had I told you it was going to be $50 from the outset, it probably wouldn't have been a
problem -- you like me, and you trust I can teach you how to make a lot of money, and that's
certainly worth a paltry $50 -- or you would have at least asked yourself if you were willing to
spend $50 to learn how to make all the money of your dreams.
It's when those expectations got shifted on you that you pushed back.
At that point, you're either going to refuse to pay $50, and I give you those secrets for $20, and your
frame emerges victorious in the encounter; you're going to concede and pay the $50, and my frame
wins; or neither of us will budge and we'll each go our separate ways without money or secrets
changing hands.
But, here's the thing: the outcome that you simply pay the $50 is going to be far, far higher the vast
majority of the time if I just tell you the price I want from beginning and don't try changing it to
something else later.

There ends up being two sides to frame control:

Your degree of proper expectation setting
Her degree of understanding expectations
You will sometimes meet people who are, either through inexperience or through having their heads
in the clouds or through sheer force of will, no matter how well you set expectations from the
outset, still going to try and funnel you into a certain category. That's like the girl desperate for a
boyfriend who expects that every man who talks to her -- no matter how clear he is about not being
relationship material -- is a potential white knight come to save her from singledom, or the man in a
similar position who believes that every attractive woman who bats an eyelash at him is a potential
soul mate.
Those are the people who are far to the extreme on #2. You can't do much to control these people's
expectations; you've just got to be very good at frame control (more on that below).
But, for the majority of people, if you do a good job with #1 you'll have far fewer frame encounters
because you'll both be on the same page.
This is why you'll notice that skilled seducers make it very clear what they're about to women very
early on -- they come across highly sexual, with a high value and demand on their time, and
sometimes gentle but always quite firm.
They don't want women thinking they're like other men who're going to wait around and chase
women forever in the firm hope that something -- anything -- might happen. They're a valued
commodity, and they'll be gone if things don't go the way they expect them to.
Because of this, women know what they're about, and they either go along with it, knowing full
well the price of admission (the person who agrees to pay $50 from the outset), or they walk away,
not being interested in the offer (the person who thinks $50 is too steep a price for a lifetime of
boundless financial resources).
Thing is, when you're attractive and sexy and you're upfront about what you've got to offer, there
are a lot of women who won't want to walk away.
That's how you minimize frame encounters, and how you minimize the work you have to do to
move a seduction forward; by focusing on setting the right expectations from the outset with things
like:
Opening direct
Being a sexy man with a sexual vibe
Using things like chase framing to set the right tone
Qualifying women properly early on
That sets the frame that you're a sexual, confident man who's screening her hard; if she sticks
around, she's automatically accepted your frame.
That's why setting the right expectations from the beginning is so powerful. Otherwise, she'll decide
on her own frame, which, if you were moving slowly and acting platonic, isn't going to be the frame
you want her to have you in at all.

Using Frame Control to Change Minds

frame controlEarly on though, you're likely going to be having one frame encounter after another,
because you haven't learned yet how to properly set the right frames and expectations from the
outset, and because you'll be making mistakes and predisposing women toward setting different
frames about you than would be ideal.
For instance, the guy who's too much of a nice guy is going to find that trying anything romantic or
sexual with a girl is going to lead to a frame encounter. It isn't how girls see him, and he'll have his
work cut out for him any time he tries to break out of that box.
Some examples include:
"I like you, Frank... but as a friend."
"I couldn't date you, Tim -- it'd be weird! You're like my brother!"
"Wait... why do you want to hang out just us?"
On the other hand, the guy who's too much of a bad boy is going to find that women are distrustful
of him and may at times not go to bed with him as quickly as he'd like or not want to engage in a
relationship with him because he feels unsafe -- and any attempt by him to seem a little safe leads to
a frame encounter.
Some examples include:
"Ray, you're fun, but you're all about sex and I need something real."
"I really like being with you, Chris, but we can't do this forever."
"Sorry, you're not my type. You're just too wild for me."
For either of these guys, it's too late to go back and set expectations properly.
That means, they're going to have to do some fire fighting.
It's always much better to not have to fight fires in the first place -- that's setting expectations
properly. Proportionate to the time you invest in perfecting it, you'll get so many more returns out of
working on coming across the right way than you will out of learning how to fix things when you've
mucked up.
But you'll still muck it up here and there, no matter how good at expectation setting you get, so
ultimately, you'll have to know this. So here's how you use frame control to change women's minds:
Getting Investment and Moving Things Forward
This is for generally getting investment from women and moving the interaction forward with them
-- even when they push back and give you a little resistance.
Know what you want to accomplish. One of the principle places most men falter in frame control is
not knowing what, exactly, it is they're trying to accomplish. It's like the guy who asks a girl to
dance with him, and she declines; why was he asking her to dance? If he doesn't know, he isn't
going to have any idea how to push for it properly or how to sell her on dancing with him.
Know why you want to do something -- is it to cheer her up? To move things forward with her? To

get to know her better? You need to know the "why" behind your actions before you can do
anything else.
Communicate to her what you want to accomplish. When she pushes back, that's because in her
frame the thing that you're attempting to do doesn't make sense. So, you need to show her why it
does. You might say something like:
"Come with me; I'm going to cheer you up."
"Let's go; we're heading somewhere quieter so we can talk."
"You do want to go out with me, because you'll genuinely enjoy it. Come."
By helping her to understand that complying with you will lead her toward something good and
positive that she will value, you make it much more likely that she'll consent.
Back off fast and casual, or persist to the end. When you try and get a girl to invest, or try to move
things forward with her, and she resists and you have a frame encounter, you need to decided right
away if you're going to casually brush it off, or if you're going to persist to the bitter end.
You can't halfway persist -- you can't ask her a few times, then give up, then go back to just hanging
out with her, because she out-framed you and now views herself as more dominant than you are
(murder for attraction). You've got to either ask once, then casually drop it and get another form of
investment that's just caught your attention or that you just remembered to ask her about (ideally
cutting off her decline in the middle), or you've got to persist until she agrees or you give up and
walk away.
An example of each:
Rapid back off and diverting to alternate investment:
Guy: Let's grab a drink at the bar.
Gal: I'm not a drinker. I justGuy: Wait, I almost forgot. You were going to show me your new phone?
Persist to the end:
Guy: Let's grab a drink at the bar.
Gal: I'm not a drinker I justGuy: All right, I'm going to get a drink, and you can come with me and talk.
Gal: I'm fine right here.
Guy: You'll be more fine if we're hanging out and talking. Let's go.
Needless to say, the guy comes off a lot stronger in the second example, so you should always trend
toward persisting whenever possible. Only back off if you sense it's an absolute lost cause from the
very beginning (in which case, it'd have been better had you not asked, however).
Do NOT bring up the frame encounter. Regardless whose frame took precedence. If hers won, she'll
feel dominant over you and attraction declines. If yours won, she'll feel beaten and want to slink off
and lick her wounds. Once you've gotten her to comply with your wishes, leave it alone and never
bring it up again.
Reward her. Make sure she feels extra good for complying with you. That doesn't mean rub it in -resist the urge to ask her if she isn't glad now that she went with you (violates #4 above). Instead,

just focus on her a lot more, deep dive her well and build a strong emotional connection, and be
physically closer to her and more affectionate. She should feel like complying with you has moved
things forward -- which it has.
Don't ask for too much for no reason. I almost didn't include this one, because I don't want guys
saying, "Well, I don't want to invite her home, because maybe that'd be asking for too much," -- no.
I don't mean "fail to get the girl so as not to ask for too much," I mean don't ask her to put in large
amounts of effort with little incentive.
So, if she isn't in a dancing mood, don't bust your butt trying to get her on the dance floor, because it
doesn't really move the interaction forward much (best thing it does for you is up her investment a
bit for doing something she didn't want to do just because you asked -- but if she isn't heavily
rewarded for that, you risk auto-rejection). And if she isn't a walker, don't ask for her to go for a
walk around the block with you when you met her in a coffee shop (instead, chill at the coffee shop
a while, then take her home or grab her phone number and arrange to meet her later).
Basically, avoid anything where a girl's wondering, "What's the point? Why am I wasting my time
doing this?" unless you have a very good reason for it. This goes back to #1 -- know what you want
to accomplish.
Frame control can work wonders for getting what you want. Basically, for frame control where
you're putting yourself out there to get a girl to do or say something, you typically want the right
expectations from the outset, and you typically want to persist and make sure she feels rewarded for
complying afterward.
Deflecting Active Frame Control Attempts
For frame control where the girl's putting herself out there to test you, just toss it back to her. You
can answer any testing / frame control style question with, "What makes you say that?" or "Why do
you think so?" or "Why so interested?" and now she's backpedaling and qualifying her test. And you
don't even ever have to respond -- a thoughtful "Hmm," or an intriguing, "I suppose, if you say so
then..." to whatever she says after you put the spotlight back on her is going to end the topic almost
every time.
There's one other variation of frame control, of, "Whose opinion is correct?" The rules for this
variation are slightly different, and I'll detail them below.
Sometimes you'll find yourself in a discussion where both you and a girl are insisting you're each
right. For instance, she might be saying that she thinks it's unfair for men to date younger women,
while you're telling her fair has nothing to do with it, that's just the way of things.
The rules of proper frame control here are:
State your case clearly (why are you right?)
Come across impartially (not emotional or invested in being correct)
Shrug off further debate and move on
Using the example above, you'd end up in a discussion that looked like this:
Girl: I think it's totally unfair that older men can date younger women and that's considered okay,
but that it's considered gross for older women to date younger men.
Guy: But there's no such thing in the world as "fair." There's just the way the world is, and that's
that. The younger a woman is, the more children she can bear a man, and the healthier those
children will be, so of course men are biologically more attracted to younger and healthier mates.

Girl: But older women can have children too!

Guy: Yeah, well. I don't make the rules, so don't blame me. Blame Mother Nature; she's cold and
uncaring, and anything but fair. She just cares about what works best for survival of the species, and
all else be damned. Why do you bring this up?
There, the guy:
States his case clearly ("This is why things are the way they are")
Comes across impartial ("Hey, I didn't make the rules -- blame Mother Nature")
Shrugs off further debate ("I'm not the one who decided all this") and moves on
He's likely to emerge with the victorious frame here; at the very least, they've achieved an
understanding (her position: it isn't fair; his position: that's just life, and life isn't fair).
This is much better than the deferential male who bows his head and says, "You're right! It isn't fair!
Let's change the world so women can date younger men!" when really this isn't his cause, there's
nothing he can do about it, and it has nothing to do with moving the interaction forward. Instead,
you want to come to an understanding, and limit future debate on unproductive topics.
Ultimately, frame control isn't hard, and it can be summed up with these several rules of thumb:
If she's testing you, ask her why she thinks so, then give her a vague response in a sexy voice after
she tells you ("Yeah, maybe I'm like that... I haven't really thought about it too much. How about
you?")
If you're asking her for investment or to move things forward and she's resisting, make sure you
know what you're trying to accomplish, tell her why it'll be good for her, and then persist in making
it happen and reward her afterward
If she's disagreeing with you on some kind of unproductive topic, reach an understanding by
coming across clear and impartial, and then end further debate by disavowing any desire to try and
change the way things are or taking a similar tack
You'll be shrugging off tests and reframing situations and behavior from ornery women like it's your
job in zero time flat. The next time you start feeling like your frame is being tested, don't panic; just
follow the steps above, and you'll have the ship righted before you know it, sailing on your way to
tranquil waters with some beautiful new girl.
Talk to you soon.
Always,
Chase Amante

Frame Control Examples: Out-Frame Anyone

In "How to Talk About Yourself on Dates," a commenter named Al asked about an article on frame
control - examples and advanced/detailed technique:
One future article I would love to see is a more advanced and detailed article on frame control. I
have read a forum thread by you on advanced frame control which was beneficial and your frame

control article on here but I feel I need more real life examples of adroit frame control to be able to
master it myself.
To put it in to context this last month I have just been focused on reading conversation articles on
here as this has been my little "month of conversation" (convenient you slip this article in before the
end of the month!) and I found the most valuable article of yours was the annotated example of a
conversation you would have. Personally, i find learning by imitating helps initially for all gamerelated things before i stamp my own persona on how these are used so such an article would be
fantastic.
Thanks again,
Al
Frame control's a neat topic, and an important one - persuasion and communication is a central
point of human existence, and if you want to stay in control and have things go your way, you've
got to be good at it - not just at winning debates, but at getting people to see things your way.
That's what frame control really is - it's painting the picture in a way that not only speaks to you, but
to everyone who's looking at it... your "opponent" included.
Here, we'll be taking a deeper look at frame control than we have before, and it's a look chock full
of examples to get you thinking about things in the most intuitive way possible.
frame control
In his comment above, Al referenced two pages on this site that discuss frame control:
"Get Rock-Solid Frame Control with the Women You Like Guaranteed," the late-2011 primer on
frame control, and
"Advanced Frame Control with Charismatic People," a mid-2012 post to the old Girls Chase Forum
(now on the new one, too; follow the link) on a few snippets of frame control you'll see used against
you on occasion by very socially savvy and rather cunning individuals
Both of these articles discuss nuances and specifics of frame control, but, particularly in reviewing
the 2011 piece, it doesn't seem like I made frame control quite as easy to wrap one's head around as
I perhaps could have.
With that note, let's see if we can revisit the topic from a new angle, and shed a little more light on a
potent but murky area of the social and seductive arts.
The Widest Angle Wins
In photography, there's a type of lens known as a "wide angle lens." A wide angle lens is a lens you
can place on your camera that allows you to take a snapshot of a wider field of view.
When it comes to frames, the widest angle always wins.
One of the examples I used in the 2011 article was of two burly men meeting in the street, facing
off, each man going in thinking he's a champ, until one of them buckles and slinks away, leaving the
other victorious in this confrontation of intimidation... and competing frames of mind.

What causes the difference in the two men's frames?

If your first answer was, "Well, clearly the winner was the bigger guy / the better fighter / the more
intimidating opponent / anything else for sure," I'd be willing to be you you're wrong.
If you recall what we discussed in "How to Be a Dominant Man: What You Didn't Know About the
'Winner Effect'," among male mice coming out of rigged fights then pitted against each other, the
winners of the fight weren't the biggest mice, nor the most experienced fighters - they were the ones
with the highest testosterone levels and the most momentum from immediately previous wins.
The winners were the ones who'd just got done winning. The losers were the ones who'd already
been losing.
I've seen this in real life plenty of times. I've watched skinny guys who sucked at fighting back
down much bigger guys with far more combat training simply because the skinny guys were
coming from stronger frames. It's a little mind-boggling the first time you see it - you KNOW that
big guy could probably tear the other guy to shreds in a fight, but he submits to him anyway. What
happened? The skinny guys (in these cases) had stronger raw frames than the bigger guys did. If
you can't understand, just imagine being a really big guy, who encounters a really small guy who's
unafraid of him. What's this guy know that you don't? Does he have powerful friends? A bunch of
other people just around the corner waiting for you to snap? What's he got up his sleeve?
The stronger frame wins because the other person assumes you must know something he or she
does not. If you're this confident that you're going to win, maybe you have some way I don't know.
If you're this confident she's going to love going home with you, maybe you have a way with
women she hasn't seen yet.
Strong frames come from more than just the testosterone of the person holding the frame, however.
Let's set the importance of testosterone itself aside for a moment, and look at the thought and
behavioral differences between someone who's been winning, and someone who hasn't. What's
different?
The main differences are these:
Scanning for ways to win: when you've been winning, you start instinctually scanning for
opportunities and figuring out how you'll win this next encounter, and this happens automatically.
When you haven't been winning, and aren't expecting to win, it's next to impossible to get yourself
to do this.
Tracking the bigger picture: when you've been winning, you aren't just thinking about the frame
battle - you're thinking about the environment, who's watching, what the effects of this social
maneuvering will be, how the outcome influences what comes next, etc. When you haven't been
winning, your focus is almost certainly going to be ENTIRELY on this encounter - and all the
nervousness and psyching-yourself-out that goes along with it. When you're used to winning, you
start to know things this person does not know... and you know the other person doesn't know what
you know, which makes you even more confident.
Thinking clearly: when you're coming in confident of success - or at least not worried about a
possible loss having much of an impact - you tend to think a lot more clearly than the person on the
other side who's coming in fraught with concerns, worries, or doubt - and prone to panicking,
making mistakes, and tripping over his own two feet, or even just not really knowing where she's
trying to take this encounter.
One thing that each of these has in common is that you can boil each down to viewing the frame

battle from a broader point of view.

Back to the example of the confrontation between two big men, while the one guy is only focused
on just this guy in front of him, and on dealing with the rushing, pounding, cascading avalanche of
emotions crashing down upon him, the other guy is calm and relaxed as he examines not only the
battle immediately before him, but how to win that battle, how other people around will react based
on if he does one thing rather than another, what the ripple effects will be, what he'll do after the
first few punches are thrown, and more.
So what ends up going through their minds?
The more confident man is thinking, "Okay, I think I've got this. I'm going to do X, he's going to do
Y, and then I'll come back with Z and AB."
The less confident man is thinking, "Oh crap, am I sure I can take this guy? What kind of tricks
does he have up his sleeve?"
Beset with uncertainty and doubt and feeling unprepared for the battle ahead, the less confident man
bows out. Why? Because the more confident man had a wider angle.
Another example: you're talking to a girl, and the following conversation transpires:
You: What say we grab lunch sometime?
Her: Okay... but only if we're going as friends.
How do you respond?
Well, that depends on the width of your angle.
Her angle is almost certainly something like, "I like this guy enough to let him provide value to me
as just a friend, but not so much I want to actually, you know, date him."
If you're thinking, "Oh no, OMG, I've GOT to have this GIRL!" then you're going to respond with:
You: What say we grab lunch sometime?
Her: Okay... but only if we're going as friends.
You: Uh.. okay. Great, so... lunch it is then!
Then you end up relegated to the friend zone, banished there by the loss of frame control here to
this girl, who, in this case, had the wider angle - while you were worried about "Dear God, I NEED
her!" she was worried about that she valued your contributions, though probably not enough to date
you.
On the other hand, if you're thinking, "This girl's cute, but I'm super busy and don't have time for
platonic female friends. Way too many important things to do in the world - can't waste time," then
you're going to respond with:
You: Would you do me the honor of grabbing lunch with me?
Her: Okay... but only if we're going as friends.

You: Well, I can't promise you that, but I will promise you you'll have a good time.
... and chances are she laughs and says, "Okay."
Why does she say okay? Because she valued you enough to want to spend time on you anyway, and
you saying, "The only way we spend time together is if it's understood we may be a romantic item,"
in a cool, savvy way is attractive, and forces her to decide then and there between two options:
Enjoy your value and company, but as a potential lover, or
Don't enjoy your value and company at all
Assuming you're not completely off-putting, more often than not this one goes your way.
Why? Because you had the wider angle view.
Logic vs. Emotion
Most people's frames are emotion cleverly disguised as logic.
The majority of men new to the social arts don't recognize this, and slip up trying to address only
the logic... instead of the underlying emotion first, and the logic only second.
You've no doubt seen the famous bit by Chris Rock on love - the one that includes the routine about
arguing with women (skip to 2:20 if you want to get right to it):

The line that really makes that routine so hilarious is when Rock counsels men to not even bother
arguing with women for this reason:
It's impossible, you will not win. 'Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing 'cause
we have a need to make sense.
What he's really talking about here is frame control: women are better at it.
In fact, almost that entire bit by Rock is about women beating men over the head with superior
frame control. Women are so good at this because women have a larger portion of their brains
devoted to socialization, and they socialize earlier and much more often than men do - they're
simply better at all things social and political and nuanced than most men are.
And the core reason most men suck at winning frame battles?
Not that they have a need to make sense. Rather, it's that they don't understand what they're really
about.
Because of that, they're not able to properly address the real issue... so they lose.
In other words, the woman has a wider angle view than they do.
Women realize that it isn't the logic that's most important when it comes to frame control... it's the
emotions.
Emotions control far more of you than logic does. If you want to win with people, you must address

their emotions first, their logic second.

While men stand jaws agape, unable to respond at the illogical response volleyed at them by a
female argument partner, women pound their point home, gain concessions from their confused
prey, and then slink off happy as can be.
Because frame control isn't necessarily always about winning, either.
Sometimes it's just about confusing the other party enough that you can get what you want.
The Confusion Factor
frame controlTake that example we mentioned earlier: man asks woman out on a date, woman says
sure - so long as it's just as friends.
Is the woman clueless here? Does she not KNOW his intentions?
No. Of course she knows what they are. If she thought he wanted to go out with her as a friend,
she'd never have thrown that little caveat in there.
So why'd she do it, then?
Simple: she was attempting to use frame control to confuse him into going along with what she
wanted.
Man: would you go out with me?
Woman: yes, so long as it's as your friend.
She didn't say "no."
She also didn't give him an unqualified "yes."
Instead, she faked and dodged - avoiding the unpleasantness of rejecting him outright, and instead
twisting around his attempt to get a date with her into a platonic friendly outing of the kind he'd
probably never elect to go on willfully of his own accord.
She just confused him into being another Shopping Guy.
The fun thing about frame control though is that most women seem to understand that that's kind of
how it goes. Most women won't resent you too much for turning it right back on them; live by the
sword, die by the sword, as the Bible so wisely notes.
So when she tries to confuse a man into agreeing to a platonic outing with her, and he confuses her
right back by saying we can go but it won't be platonically (something she wasn't expecting, and
doesn't have a prepared response for), her response to that usually is not anger or frustration at the
reversal, but rather attraction at his social savvy.
He's just passed her "test" (although she doesn't think of it that way).
And now she finds him all the more compelling for it.

frame control
Winning frame battles is about outstanding "frame control," although I don't really even like this
term all that much myself. I prefer to think of it as just knowing what you want and what you will
and won't tolerate, and going from there.
But, for the sake of putting a label on it so you know what we're talking about, "frame control" will
suffice, I suppose.
How do you learn frame control? How do you get good at it? And how do you know how to
respond to novel situations?
It all comes back to that wide angle view of things, and knowing where your limits are.
I've further broken frame control down into four (4) separate tiers, from highest (most unassailable
frame control) to lowest (basic frame control):
Knowing you're right
Knowing the best path
Knowing frame control
Knowing specific responses
Below, we'll take a closer look at each.
The Top Tier: Knowing You're Right
In "The 5 Ways to Answer a Challenge in Social Situations" I mentioned being known as the
"Comeback King" when younger because of my aptitude at turning things around on my opponents
whenever they'd try to verbally one-up me. I was highly competitive, and had an inclination for
making sure I knew how to take down opponents deftly and effortlessly - and look good doing it,
too.
There's another thing I've found that always gives you wings in being able to respond to
challengers, though, aside from pure competitiveness and experience doing a thing: that is, knowing
you're right.
In the case of discussing factual matters, I try to never speak unless I know what I'm talking about.
And in the rare case where I'm speculating about something, I try to always coach that speculation
with caveats, like, "Well, I'm just speculating here so may be entirely off the mark, but here's my
read." If someone wants to attack speculation, I'm happy to back off with a, "If you have better
evidence or more experience, be my guest; I don't really know what I'm talking about there
anyway."
But if someone tries to refute something I'm certain about, that I have loads of evidence and
anecdotal experience to back up, without anything short of the most convincing argument back with
the most convincing evidence I've ever seen, I'll dismantle their argument.
In the case of insults, you need to know that you aren't what you're being insulted as being (i.e.,
someone calls you stupid and ugly, and you've got to know you're not stupid and ugly); in the case
of women, you need to know that you're probably the best thing that's ever going to happen to a girl
if you really want to kill it with frame control.

I'll write that latter point out a second time for emphasis:
When it comes to women, you've GOT to know you're probably the BEST thing that's ever
happened to them if you want the most outstanding frame control you can get with them.
Why's that so? Because when a girl's protesting, or her friends are, or she's throwing up reasons
why she can't be together with you, you've got to, got to, GOT TO KNOW that those reasons are
trash and she's about to miss out on the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to her (YOU).
Until you know that and believe it in your bones, you will always struggle with frame control.
And how do you get to the point where you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you're
unquestionably the best thing that could happen to a woman?
You must work on yourself to the point where you bring tremendously more value to her life whether in a one-night stand or a long-term relationship - than any other man likely can or will.
You must get feedback from women, too - think of it as accumulating credentials. Just like Mike
Tyson knows he's the best boxer once he's beaten every other contender, and his frame control there
is unshakeable, and Donald Trump knows he's the best real estate magnate once he's pulled off one
coup after another, and his frame control there is indomitable, once you're picking up gorgeous,
amazing women and giving them the times of their lives and giving them relationships unlike any
they've had before or any they'll have after and changing and improving and bettering their lives in
nearly every way, your frame of reference becomes naturally unassailable.
That takes time, of course (I didn't get there myself until I was maybe four years into approaching
and seducing women). And there are no shortcuts aside from turning yourself into a man who
provides crazy amounts of value to every woman you encounter:
Riveting emotional connections
Conversation unlike anyone else
Ridiculously good sex
Inspiration to chase down her dreams and live the life she wants
An all-around amazing experience being with you
Knowing you're right... for the uppermost tier of unshakeable frame control, you need this.
Once you arrive there, frame control becomes automatic, and you are beyond reproach (for the most
part).
Then conversations like this happen:
You: Come sit with me and let's talk.
Her: I can't... I have to go rejoin my friends.
You: Your friends can wait. I can't wait. Let's sit now and you can join them again in a few minutes.
Her: But I don't know you!
You: That's why you're coming to sit with me. [take her arm and lead]
... and all are said by you in a smooth, commanding, powerful tone dripping with sensuality and
complete confidence, and it works well (try doing that with a hint of hesitation or insincerity,
though, and it doesn't work at all).
When you come across attractive already, and you know that her missing out on you means her

missing out on the most amazing man she's ever met, your actions exude this belief - and she picks
up on that. It's intriguing at worst to her, and exhilarating at best.
The Next Tier Down: Knowing the Best Path
What if you haven't gotten yourself to the point yet where you have so much to offer and know you
have so much to offer that you have master-level frame control automatically most of the time?
Well, the next best thing is knowing the best path. This one mostly comes down to process and
logistics.
That is to say, you talk to a girl in a shopping mall for a little while, and then her friends appear and
want to do something, and she wants to do something else, and you want to do something other than
that. Suddenly, you have a variety of possibilities:
You want to take her somewhere one-on-one
She wants to stay with you and keep talking and join her friends later
Her friends want her to come to the next store with her and keep shopping
Who wins here? The person who knows the best path that provides the greatest amount of
satisfaction to all parties involved.
If you aren't certain that's you, then it'll probably be the friends - if there are two of them, pulling
her away from you to go shopping with them means:
Friend 1 has higher satisfaction
Friend 2 has higher satisfaction
Your girl has slightly lower satisfaction
You have much lower satisfaction
Which is better than her staying with you when you and her don't know what you're doing, resulting
in slightly higher satisfaction for both of you, but lower satisfaction for both of them.
If, however, you KNOW the best path to take - one that minimizes dissatisfaction for everybody,
and maximizes satisfaction where applicable - you usually get your way. You frame control the
situation to go how you want it to go.
That looks like this:
Friend: Amyyyy! Come on, we're going to Zara!
You: Tell them you've just met the most amazing man of your life and you want to grab a coffee
with him so you don't miss out on it and end up regretting it forever.
Her: [laughs] ... Go without me, guys - I'm going to grab a coffee with Mel. I'll catch up with you
later.
You: Make sure they know I'm the most amazing man you've ever met.
Her: [laughs] He's the most amazing man I've ever met!
Friend: Okay! We'll see you later!
You: Good work. Let's go.
Then you'll take her to go get some coffee, and get to know her better and set up a date and grab her
phone number, or you'll tell her to text her friends that she's being taken on a whirlwind romance
and is leaving to go on an adventure with her new lover, and then you'll take her home and take her
to bed.

Because of how this is framed, you've just maximized everyone's satisfaction. The friends are
laughing because Amy found some guy she obviously likes and who's obviously a lot of fun (he
made her tell them he's the most amazing guy of her life, after all); Amy's having a great time,
because she wanted to stay with you anyway, and now you've shown her a socially exciting way to
pull that off while bringing enjoyment to her friends; and you, of course, are far happier than you
would've been had she left.
By viewing the situation with a wide angle perspective, you're able to see what's likely to work out
best for everyone involved and make interesting things happen.
Taking a girl home when she needs to get up early for work or school tomorrow works like this, too
(so long as you're mindful of her schedule and you're not trying to take her home too late - plan the
date earlier, and pull earlier, to avoid real time crunches):
You: Let's head back and I'll show you that home movie I was talking about.
Her: I have to get up early tomorrow. Can we do it next time?
You: That's impossible. If we do it tonight, you'll enjoy it a lot more, because women like things
that are spontaneous. Plus, you have to get up at 8 tomorrow morning, and it's 9:30 PM right now.
You'll be on your way home no later than 11, which means you've still got an hour to lounge around
your apartment in your underwear before going to bed to get your 8 hours of sleep.
Her: Oh my God...!
You: Come on.
Again, you're viewing things with a wider angle here - she's afraid about not getting enough sleep
(and also about whether she's ready to go home with you so soon), but you've accounted for the
logical objection, and you've accounted for the emotional one (your response is a mix of confidence
and humor, plus the droll bit about how "women like things that are spontaneous" is true and,
delivered properly, will change her thought pattern).
Because you know a better path than she does, that maximizes her and your satisfaction more (i.e.,
she'll still get everything she wants - a full night's sleep without being rushed - plus more good
things - spontaneity, doing something fun with you, low to no pressure), your frame of it being good
for her to come with you beats out her frame of it being better for her to retire early.
The Third Tier: Knowing Frame Control
frame controlIf the top tier of frame control leaves you unassailable, and the second tier gives you a
wide enough angle view that you can usually win, the third tier is a substantial drop from these, but
still gives you a good edge.
That third tier, of course, is knowing frame control.
Knowing frame control means you know the basic rules of frame control, including:
You cannot back down: once you propose something, you're stuck with it, so make sure you get it
right on the first try, because if someone challenges you on it, you've got to push it through. So if
you make a dumb comment like, "All Russians drink a lot," and she starts telling you about her
Russian friends who don't drink, you can't abandon ship and still command her respect.
You cannot FIGHT with her: frame control is a subtle dance, not a boxing match. You must not get
into a heated debate or argument - your points must be stated with subtlety and social grace. The
instant you start arguing, you may have won the battle (over who's "right") but you've undoubtedly

lost the war (on being and remaining attractive and desirable and relatable).
You must tend to the emotions of all involved: if it's just you and her, then you've really only got to
worry about what she wants and needs (and what you do). If there's another guy trying to butt into
your conversation, or a female friend of hers trying to cockblock, or an employee of an
establishment trying to hustle you outside because it's closing time, or anyone else involved for any
reason, you've got to tend to their emotions as well - either assuring them of what they need
assurance of, or giving them something to engage with, or putting social pressure on them and
making them feel awkward and embarrassed for attempting to interfere.
You mustn't let her get locked into an idea: the instant she says she's leaving, you've got to start
frame controlling her out of it. If you let her say something, then think on it for a while, or ask her
too many questions about it that aren't clearly directed at circumventing it, she'll lock the idea in her
head as a firm decision, and then good luck getting her to do something else (you still can - with
great energy and enthusiasm and spontaneity - but this needs to be well-executed, and it's easier to
not have to pull out spontaneity last minute if you can avoid it).
You may not believe you're the best thing that can happen to her.
And you may not know exactly what you're going to do with her next.
But if you know the principles of frame control, you can often hang in there long enough to win a
frame battle and figure out what you need to do (figure out the wider angle view and realize what
the right path MIGHT be).
Here's some recovery frame control (using that "All Russians drink a lot" gaffe):
You: All Russians drink a lot, you didn't know that?
Her: Actually, I have a lot of Russian friends, and most of them don't drink.
You: Okay, all Russians who aren't friends with YOU drink a lot!
Her: [laughs] If you say so.
You: So tell me about your Russian friends: why do you have so many? It seems like everyone
around here just complains about Russians all the time... and then there's you, and you're friends
with them! Why the difference?
In this case, she isn't going to fully accept your frame because she KNOWS it's incorrect - all
Russians do not drink a lot. However, you turn it from a statement of fact into something of a joke and one that she can't easily refute (i.e., she can't cite her friends as examples, because you've just
stated that Russians who aren't her friends drink... she'd have to cite some survey by the Russian
Census Bureau that found that drinking is on the decline and only 28.4% of Russians drank heavily
in 2010 or something like that, which is breaking the mood of the current conversation and being
socially awkward, so she won't do it even if she knows of such a study).
Here's an example of frame control when others are trying to intervene and you don't necessarily
know where you're taking things, but you just want to stop them from intervening:
Clerk: I'm sorry guys, I have to lock the caf. It's 11 o'clock and time for us to close.
Her: Okay... it's time for me to head back anyway.
You: It's 11 o'clock on a Friday night... far too early to head back.
Her: I got up really early today; I'm flagging pretty bad right now.
Clerk: I hate rushing you guys, but I've really got to get going now.

Her: Sorry; we're leaving. [to you] Are you ready?

You: [to clerk] Give us just a minute, we're taking off in 45 seconds; we won't hold you up. [to girl]
I won't keep you out too much later, but there's something I have to show you before you head
home, no matter how tired you are.
Her: What?
You: I can't tell you what it is, but it's totally worth going to bed a few minutes later. Let's stop
holding up this poor man - he clearly wants to get out of here and go enjoy his Friday night. Time
for us to go enjoy ours.
Her: But I'm tired!
You: Not for long you won't be. Let's go.
You may have no idea what it is you're going to take her to go see or do, but you know you can
always promise something fun and amazing and figure out on the way what that'll be - the most
important thing for now is making sure she doesn't get locked into the idea of taking off.
The Final Tier: Knowing Specific Responses
What happens if you don't know (or believe) you're a girl's best option, hands down... and you don't
know the best path to take... and you don't even know the elements of frame control? Do you not
stand a chance at ever having things go your way?
In fact, this is where "lines" come in... it's why guys look for pickup lines and why early on in the
seduction community there was so much emphasis on routines.
Guys who don't know how to do frame control itself want to know what to say specifically.
This actually is a fairly common part of the early learning process for most men... learning how to
respond to specific questions and situations they encounter. You'll see most beginners asking
questions like
She said/did this; what should I say/do?!
This is a guy saying he hasn't figured out frame control yet, and would like you to help him collect
responses that will work in specific situations.
Those are things like:
Her: A gentleman always buys a lady a drink.
You: Lucky for me I'm no gentleman.
and
Her: I only date guys over 25.
You: Good thing I don't want to date you.
Truth be told, having a repertoire of standard fallback responses (or response templates - e.g., both
of the examples above use a "good/lucky thing I'm not" -style template to break the girl's frame) can
lighten your mental load and make life easier, though these take time and experience to acquire
(although make you seem pretty snappy when once you've got them down).
Because there are so many possible things women can say or do or scenarios you can wind up in,

it's highly recommend you learn how to use frame control and get out of the bottom tier of needing
specific go-to responses to maintain frame control. Sooner or later with every woman and in most
situations, you're going to run into something you don't have a scripted response for, and then you
need to be able to think on your feet and respond appropriately and improvisationally.
That said, while you're still learning frame control, take the time to write down the situations and
frame battles you most commonly encounter, and come up with some standard responses you can
use for these. This will address most of the framing difficulties you have, and it'll get you
accustomed to responding to women's attempts to out-frame you, and get you familiar with what it
feels like to evade these evasions.
Frame Control Wrap Up
We can say that frame control boils down to three key elements:
Having a wider angle view than anyone else involved
Being focused more on the emotion communicated than the logic
Being aware of "confusion game" and able to confuse would-be confusers
When it comes to men's abilities with frame control, we find there are four tiers, from most
advanced to least advanced:
Knowing you're right
Knowing the path
Knowing frame control
Knowing specific responses
Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that what you say is right and/or that you are the BEST thing
that's going to happen to a girl gives you unassailable frame control that usually wins the day (the
one exception is when you're up against someone else who knows he or she is right too, and this
other person has better debate skills or more people or force on his/her side).
The next step down from there is being able to see widely enough that you can figure out the best
course of action in any given situation for maximizing the satisfaction of everyone involved and
minimizing any dissatisfaction.
Next down from that one is knowing how to use frame control itself, such that even if you don't
know you're perfectly right and don't necessarily have the widest angle view, you can still wing it
long enough to figure out where you're trying to take things. And remember that the basic ground
rules of frame control are:
You cannot back down (so choose your position wisely)
You cannot FIGHT (you must be subtle and socially adroit)
You must tend to the emotions of all involved
You mustn't let people get locked into their ideas (challenge them fast)
Finally, there's knowing specific responses - while these won't help you win every frame battle, they
can at least tide you over on the ones you've seen before and the ones you most commonly run into.
Frame control's loads of fun (there's nothing quite like having someone tell you she is
ABSOLUTLEY not doing something, and then using nothing but verbal prowess to end up having
her come do it anyway, and seeing her enjoy it far more than she would have the alternative), and
it's an important skill to learn if you want to succeed at seducing beautiful women... not to mention
dodge the slings and arrows the women you seduce and their friends (and your competition) will
throw your way - intentionally or otherwise.

Yours,
Chase Amante

How to Talk About Yourself on Dates

In the comments section of "Are You Smart? It Doesn't Much Matter Either Way," on how viewing
and talking about yourself as smart actually impedes progress in your endeavors, a reader named Al
made the following request:
Great Article, Chase this is an invaluable mindset for so many areas of life. I want to see an article
on how to tell good anecdotes and speak about yourself. I know this goes against deep diving and
LOLE but when conversations do start to become a question and answer session i often struggle to
make an insightful or interesting comment.
Al's right - while there's a great deal on this site about how to get other people talking to you, there
really isn't a whole heck of a lot about how to talk about yourself.
how to talk about yourself
So, in order to change that, I've put together a two-part article series on the subject: the first on
talking about yourself, and the second on telling great stories.
Let's kick this two-parter off then, and have a look at how you ought to go about talking about
yourself with women to achieve maximal results.
how to talk about yourself
From "Dominance and Heterosexual Attraction," published in the Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology:
Four experiments examined the relation between behavioral expressions of dominance and the
heterosexual attractiveness of males and females. Predictions concerning the relation between
dominance and heterosexual attraction were derived from a consideration of sex role norms and
from the comparative biological literature. All four experiments indicated an interaction between
dominance and sex of target. Dominance behavior increased the attractiveness of males, but had no
effect on the attractiveness of females. The third study indicated that the effect did not depend on
the sex of the rater or on the sex of those with whom the dominant target interacted. The fourth
study showed that the effect was specific to dominance as an independent variable and did not occur
for related constructs (aggressive or domineering). This study also found that manipulated
dominance enhanced only a male's sexual attractiveness and not his general likability. The results
were discussed in terms of potential biological and cultural causal mechanisms.
And from "Dominance, prosocial orientation, and female preferences: Do nice guys really finish
last?," also published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology:
Three multimethod studies (total N=348) probed the hypothesis that women's attraction to men
would be influenced by male prosocial orientation. In Study 1, prosocial men were rated as more
physically and sexually attractive, socially desirable, and desirable as dates than were nonprosocial
men. Dominant men were no more attractive than low-dominance men, and male dominance did not
interact with male prosocial orientation in eliciting attraction from women. In Study 2, prosocial
orientation was manipulated to avoid "personalism," but still affected attraction. Across all

measures attraction was an interactive function of dominance and prosocial tendencies. Dominance
alone did not increase any form of attraction measured. In Study 3, male prosocial tendencies and
dominance interacted to affect women's attraction to men. Results are discussed in terms of the
place of altruism and dominance in evolutionary approaches to human interpersonal attraction.
So, some interesting findings here.
In the four experiments reported in the first piece of research, dominance increased a male's sexual
attractiveness, but not his overall likeability.
In the three experiments reported in the second piece of research, prosocial behavior (behavior that
benefits others or society as a whole) led to boosts in a male's sexual attractiveness, with
dominance's role ranging from "no effect" in one experiment, to being an ingredient that interacts
with prosocial behavior to affect attraction in the other two experiments.
So, 7 experiments. 6 showing that dominance impacts male sexual attractiveness (and 1 showing
not, likely due to how the research was conducted), and 3 showing that prosocial behavior impacts
male sexual attractiveness.
These two things - dominance and prosocial behavior - are what we're going to use as the basis for
how you determine how to talk about yourself with women.
Why Dominance?
Women are sexually attracted to dominant men for a number of reasons, the primary of which are
these:
Dominance communicates preselection / good genes. Quick - how many men do you know who
never get laid but are also very dominant with women? Probably zero. Men who are unsuccessful
and inexperienced with women place those women on pedestals, and behave hesitantly and
tentatively around them. Because women are scarce resources for them, they're unable to react
strongly and dominantly out of fear of making a mistake and losing them, so they play things safe.
As a result, girls quickly learn that dominance is one of the few reliable signs of a man's actual
success rate with women - a shortcut, if you will, for knowing whether other women have judged
him an acceptable mate in the past... or not.
Dominance communicates survival value. Dominant men don't stay dominant long if they're unable
to win the fights - physical and social - against the challengers that displaying dominance
necessarily attracts (i.e., challengers looking to make a name for themselves by defeating a
dominant male). The very fact that a man is behaving comfortable dominant with a woman
communicates to her that he's almost certainly emerged consistently at the top of the pile, which
means he's relatively safe (he can protect her from threats), and probably has access to resources
(money, allies, connections, etc.).
Dominance communicates the woman can sit back and let the man lead. Forget the talk about
"equality" - that's talking about salaries and educational and workplace opportunities. When it
comes to mating, women want men who are going to take charge and know what they want and
give them what they want without them having to spell it out for the guy or lead themselves.
Dominant men lead women, which means that a girl spending time with a dominant guy knows she
can kick back, relax, and enjoy herself - so long as he's doing things smoothly and in a way she
enjoys and approves of - and let him lead her down the path of least resistance.

As noted in the first piece of research, dominance does not make you more likeable. It makes you
more sexually attractive. Which is why a lot of men starting out learning how to get girls don't focus
on it so much... there's far more focus in the men's dating advice niche on teaching men how to get
women to like them than there is on teaching men how to get women to want to tear those men's
shirts off to relieve all the sexual tension.
Why Prosocial?
how to talk about yourselfThen, of course, there's the other side of the coin when it comes to how to
talk about yourself: prosocial behavior. What's prosocial got to do with things?
Prosocial behavior is at its most elemental form essentially altruism - helping other people. It's
about willingness to step in, take care of others, stick one's neck out, and pitch in.
Prosocial behavior actually implies some of the same things about men that dominance does, in
addition to a few other qualities that are of interest to women. As noted in that second paper quoted,
prosocial behavior - just like dominance - increased men's physical and sexual attractiveness to
women. Here's why:
Prosocial behavior communicates preselection / good genes. Just like dominance. How's it do that?
Well, think for a second about a guy you know who really goes out of his way to help the people
around him. Just an all around great guy. Do you think this guy gets laid? Yes - you almost certainly
get a picture of him in your mind as a man who struggles not with women. Why? Because men who
can't get girls usually are too bitter / misanthropic / plagued by victim mentality to go out of their
ways helping people. They're at lower levels on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. You don't normally
start helping people out until you're at a place where your base needs - including sex - are taken care
of. Prosocial behavior ends up being a big indicator, then, that a man isn't too terribly worried about
sex and is living a life of at least sufficient abundance.
Prosocial behavior communicates survival value. Who's more likely to survive in a bind in today's
society? The guy who punches his way out of trouble... or the guy who talks his way out and pull
some strings to get himself (and others) out? Prosocial people tend to be well-liked and wellconnected with others, and tend to be good communicators. They're people who like people... and
whom people like back. When push comes to shove, they're probably the people most likely to
come out with their heads still attached to their shoulders in bad situations, and most likely to be
able to make friends, pull strings, and get others helped out, too.
Prosocial behavior makes you more relatable and attainable. Let's say you see two guys standing on
a sidewalk. An old lady trips and falls down in front of them... one guy acts like he doesn't even see
her. The other guy kneels down, helps the lady back to her feet, hands her the purse that she
dropped, and checks with her to make sure she's all right and laughs kindly and tells her he falls
down too sometimes when she makes a joke at herself to defuse her embarrassment at falling.
Which guy do you feel like you can relate to more? The guy who helped the old lady, of course. You
instantly feel like here's a really cool, friendly guy you could chat with and he'd be respectful and
agreeable and fun to talk to. He's attainable... and attainability plays a very big part in whether a
woman is able to recognize a man's value, or not.
Unlike dominance, prosocial behavior definitely does make you more likeable. It also increases
physical and sexual attraction, especially in conjunction with dominance.
When it comes to talking about ourselves, being dominant and being prosocial are our one-two
punches.

Effects of These on Men

We were mainly reviewing the effects of dominance and prosocial behavior on women above
(increased physical and sexual attraction to men with these qualities). But what's the impact on men
you're talking to? After all, you won't only talk about yourself to women when you're out
socializing and connecting with people.
Prosocial's a net win, right out of the box - as noted in the research, prosocial men were not just
rated as better potential romantic and sexual partners by women, but were also rated as more
socially desirable. The same effect holds with men - just like in that example above where you rated
the man who helped out the older lady who'd tripped and fallen down as cooler and more likeable
than the man who pretended not to notice, so too will man find you more likeable and admirable
when they see prosocial behavior coming out of you, too.
Dominance is a bit trickier, because when you're dealing with other men egos come into play. When
you're too commanding with other men, those men quickly begin to resent you, unless they've fully
accepted you as a leader - even then, you need to walk a fine line in making sure they have enough
autonomy in their own spheres around you to feel like men and not like lapdogs.
The secret to dominance with men, I've found, is to let those men see you being dominant with
others, and to communicate dominance when you talk about yourself, without being overbearingly
dominant with the men themselves. Usually this means you simply treat a man as a "dominance
equal" and neither attempt to dominate him or submit yourself to him. He's simply an ally of equal
size and heft to you. This avoids ending up in a scenario where he resents you or glorifies you (if
you're dominating him) or despises you or takes you for granted (if you're submitting to him).
When it comes to men, prosocial is all around good, and dominance is good so long as you are
exactly matching the dominance levels of the man you're talking to, and neither dominate him nor
submit.

A Couple Additional Qualities

Several additional qualities I recommend mixing in when you're talking about yourself include:
Adventurousness
A "devil may care" attitude
A few vulnerabilities / Byronic personality traits
By tossing these extras in, you paint yourself a fuller character portrait and help listeners view you
as both a rich, multi-dimensional person (and not someone easily dismissed or labeled), and as
someone who is both "cool" and admirable.
We'll discuss how to use these three traits, plus dominance and prosocial behavior, when talking
about yourself in the section below.
how to talk about yourself
For talking about ourselves, now, we have our two main qualities:

Dominance
Prosocial behavior
... and our three secondary ones:
Adventurousness
A "devil may care" attitude
A few vulnerabilities / Byronic personality traits
Let's have a look at how you'll use these in conversation to portray yourself in the best and most
fleshed-out light.
How to Talk About Yourself with Girls
While we did take a brief look at dominance and prosocial behavior as they come into play in your
conversations with men above, the main purpose of this article is to equip you to know how to talk
about yourself with girls - on dates, when you're first meeting them, or even years into a long-term
relationship.
Before we discuss talking about those five specific qualities just above, I want to discuss the ways
in which you'll talk about yourself, and the little nuances and technical aspects of discussing
yourself in conversation.
Those aspects and nuances are:
Keeping talk about yourself to a minimum
Presenting yourself as a "legendary figure"
Presenting yourself as a relatable human being
Ending talking about yourself and turning it back to her
Let's take a quick look at each.
Keeping Talk About Yourself to a Minimum
As the man, you're the one driving the date or the interaction. It's your responsibility to get girls to
open up to you - for that, we have a number of resources:
The Conversationalist
Conversation Example
The Art of the Deep Dive
How to Build an Emotional Connection
Get to Know a Girl: Connection-Building Tactics
Employing the Cold Read to Unlock Women's Secrets
What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her
... I'd suggest you read them all, if you haven't yet.
The reason why you want her talking, and not you talking, is because people do not form
connections to others based on how well they know those others... they form connections to others
based on how well they feel those others know them.
how to talk about yourself
That means, you can talk about yourself until you're blue in the face, and if she's hardly talking
about yourself she'll walk away from the conversation feeling like the two of you "just didn't click."

Alternatively, if she tells you everything there is to know about herself and can tell you were
listening and paying attention and feels like you get her, even if she knows next to nothing about
you, she will feel like the two of you have the greatest connection in the world.
How connected you feel to someone else is all about how well you feel that person knows you, and
that's it. (this is also a part of why musicians have such a big effect on people... listeners listen to
their music, and it feels like the musician is talking directly to them, and about things they relate to the listener comes away saying, "Oh my God, I feel like he just KNOWS me so WELL and we have
this great connection even though we've never met!")
You will need to talk about yourself (usually; see "She Doesn't Even Need to Know Your Name" as
an example of an exception to this), and you'll want to make some big splashes when you do, but
then get the conversation right back to the girl you're talking to.
That works like this:
Girl: How'd you end up publishing your own magazine?
You: It's kind of a long story, but actually I spent about a year after college living at home doing
nothing but working on the magazine. No money, no free time, nothing but the magazine. I was a
recluse! But I got it off the ground, I signed up enough people to subscriptions, and after that it was
self-sustaining and I was able to bring some good people in and grow it and now it has a life of its
own.
Girl: That's so cool.
You: I guess. It just seems like a lot of work whenever I think back about it! How about you - you
said you wanted to go travel the world and be a globe trotter after college, but it never happened.
What stopped you from your after-college dream?
Think of it like this: the purpose of talking about yourself is to be exciting and intriguing very
quickly, and then get the conversation focused back on this new woman you're talking to as soon as
possible.
This way, you're building an interesting, engaging narrative for yourself and making her wonder
about you, while at the same time giving her the opportunity to share a great deal about herself and
build a real connection with you.
Presenting Yourself as a "Legendary Figure"
This one ties in with women's love of arrogant and ambitious men, driven to do things greater than
themselves, with life objectives outside the ordinary humdrum boredom of the daily grind that
almost every other man she meets fixates all his time on.
(for our female readers: you'll want to skip this section to avoid making yourself too scary and
intimidating for most men, unless you want to screen out everyone but the absolute most ambitious,
dynamic, dominant men out there... it'll be a vanishingly small dating pool if you do, though)
Every woman will tell you she wants a sane, normal, responsible man, but every woman keeps
ending up dating bad boys, instead. What gives?
Well, what gives is this: everybody, somewhere inside her, wants to have something bigger and
more meaningful in her life than the ordinary slow decay of time and gradual changing of the

seasons. She wants to feel like she's a part of something more than that.
To be a legendary figure, you must truly have legendary aspirations, to some extent, if you're under
35; if you're over 35, you must be on your way to making those aspirations a reality.
You can still be somewhat legendary without great ambitions, simply by telling your tale in a
gripping and meaningful way, but the impact is not as strong.
So how do you present yourself as legendary?
To do this, you'll need to break out an old technique dubbed a "grounding sequence" (by Mystery, if
you know him) that is, essentially, the process of taking a woman (or anyone) through your road to
success, starting at the beginning, when you were nothing but a clueless youth who had no idea
what he was doing but knew he wanted to make something of himself, all the way up to your
eventual, triumphant success (recognized publically by other people).
It's a multi-step process, but not terribly difficult:
You start by talking about when you were young and wanted to do something but had no idea how
you were going to do it. You talk about the challenges you face and why you wanted to do this
thing, and how it seemed like such an impossible feat
You then discuss the process of pushing yourself to learn this new skill, ability, or activity, and all
the trials and tribulations you faced, and the points where you nearly gave up
You talk about when you started seeing successes here and there, and really started to believe you
could do it
And, finally, you talk about your ultimate success, culminating with some sort of public success
where you received public recognition of your accomplishments
The neat thing is - while this is best done with some sort of long-term goal, talent, or ability you
nurtured - you can even do this with something that occurred over a relatively short period of time say, some important project for work you were assigned to work on but weren't even sure you could
do, but by the end of the two months you had to do it not only had you succeeded, but you'd gone
far and above the initial specs of the project and done so much extra that it led to a lot more
business for your consulting company and your boss's boss personally thanked you for what an
outstanding effort you'd made.
The point is that you display an ability to triumph in the face of adversity, and help women to view
you as a man who is more than just an ordinary man - he's a man with grit, who hangs on in the face
of near-certain failure, and pulls victory out from the jaws of defeat.
Presenting Yourself as a Relatable Human Being
The other side of the coin to "legendary," however, is relatable. If you just present yourself as some
grizzled, determined success machine and then turn your nose in the air without ever stopping to be
relatable, that's going to send most women straight into auto-rejection... prepare for some cold,
insulting, resentful responses.
That's because the fact of the matter is, no matter how amazing a woman may be or present herself
as, chances are, almost all of the women you're going to meet are still just normal, ordinary people.

Not Olympians, not supermodels, not Hollywood celebrities... if you go out enough, you'll meet
those types of girls here and there, but they're rare. Almost everyone you meet is still just a normal
person - and, heck, even most of the extraordinary-seeming people are just normal people, with one
or two extra-special things about them.
That means, if you portray yourself as too legendary, without being human enough, they'll simply
see you as not like them.
I won't go into great detail on relatability since we've covered it in-depth on this site several times,
but do see the article on being a conversationalist, and do check out these two pieces:
Take the Edge Off: Using Humbleness Like an Elite Man
Spell Broken: Big Mistakes That Shred Conversation
Tactics Tuesdays: Learn How to Be Relatable with These 7 Secrets of Relatability
Two very easy tips for presenting yourself as relatable:
Don't forget to poke fun at your slips, gaffs, and errors. That doesn't mean you turn talking about
yourself into a comedy, but don't take yourself too seriously, and point out your mistakes. This is
especially important while talking about your successes - as in the legendary / grounding sequence
mentioned earlier: you want to portray yourself not as someone who is perfect and infallible, but
rather as someone who has struggled and striven his way to success, despite his failures. This is
how anyone who's successful ever really gets there, after all.
Mix some being playful, being fun, and being light-hearted into things. Don't make conversation
with you a chore or a bore - add some laughs into things as well. Again, not comedy - if you make a
girl laugh a mile a minute, she'll write you off as a non-sexual comedian in a heartbeat. But, some
light humor here and there - chase framing / sexual framing works best - and you'll have her smiling
and comfortable and relating with you.
Ending Talking About Yourself and Turning It Back to Her
You know that feeling where it feels like you've just been talking about yourself too long? One of
the objects of mastering conversation is to get to the point where you never feel like that again.
Get good at returning the focus of the conversation to the person you're talking to as quickly as
possible. This does a few good things for you:
It helps her to feel more connected to you, as she shares more about herself
It keeps the pressure on her (instead of you) to impress you and qualify herself
It minimizes the amount of working you need do in the conversation, adhering to the Law of Least
Effort
How do you return the conversation to the girl you're talking with as you talk about yourself?
Simple - you can use one of these methods (or any of a hundred more):
Ask her the same question back. If you just finished talking about your favorite hobby because she
asked you what your favorite hobby was, it's very straightforward to simply ask the same question
back. Easy.
Ask her if she's familiar with something you're discussing. Many times when you start to talk about
yourself, if you're doing a good job at involving women in your conversation, you'll say something
like, "Well, I really love skiing - do you ski at all?" and she will then excited launch into talking
about how much she loves skiing, or about how she doesn't ski but she does snowboard / ice-skate /

build snow forts, and you'll set your story aside for a while and simply listen to her.
Ask her about something she mentioned earlier that you didn't explore. Say she mentioned that she
became a veterinarian because her family always had so many animals as a child, and then she goes
on talking about vet school. You can come back later once that topic is exhausted and say, "You said
earlier your family kept a ton of pets as a kid - what kinds of pets?"
Ask her about something totally unrelated. This one's your backup play if a topic ends and you're
not sure exactly what to start talking about, but asking her anything about what she's wearing or
what she does or how she spends her time or various places she's lived or what not does the trick.
Why are all these about her? Because you need to be expressing interest in her. That means, you
don't build a connection by saying, "That barista has one hell of a crazy mohawk over there," but
you do build a connection by saying, "That barista has one hell of a crazy mohawk over there... you
ever try any crazy hairstyles yourself?"
Remember that the object of conversation is getting girls opening up about themselves and
connecting with you. So if you've just learned all these tips on how to talk about yourself and you
were raring to go and tell her this amazing tale about yourself you had all prepped for action, and
then you asked her if she was familiar with something at the start of your tale and she launches off
into her own conversation about something, mission accomplished. Set your tale aside. It's fine if
you never come back to it. The important part of the conversation isn't talking about yourself - it's
getting her talking about herself. And you've just done that - so pat yourself on the back.
The 5 Qualities in Conversation
how to talk about yourselfBack to our five qualities. Once again, they are:
Dominance
Prosocial behavior
Adventurousness
A "devil may care" attitude
A few vulnerabilities / Byronic personality traits
... with especial emphasis placed upon the first two.
How do you talk about yourself in a way that highlights these five qualities?
In a word: mindfulness. You need to be mindful of what you are saying about yourself, and how you
are saying it.
Everybody tries to be impressive when he (or she) talks about himself. But most people do this all
wrong... rather than seeking to highlight qualities, they seek to highlight stats. That is... I've got a
nice car / nice watch / nice place / successful business / important position in my company /
prestigious job / prestigious education / well-connected friends / exciting life of travel / etc.
Instead of women learning about who you are, they only end up learning what you've got when you
talk to them this way. How great do you think that is for relatability and trust-building?
You're not a man... you're a stat sheet.
The focus must be on qualities, not statistics or achievements. A date is an interview, of sorts, but it
isn't a job interview... you can leave your rsum at home in the cupboard. Women rate you based

on feel, not on "facts." How do you make a girl feel? That's what's important.
Thus, how you talk about yourself must be conducted in a way that maximizes communicating the
emotions you want to communicate, and minimizes communicating the ones you don't.
What emotions do you want to communicate?
Dominance: a feeling of power, respect, and safety.
Prosocial behavior: a feeling of admiration, respect, and safety.
Adventurousness: a feeling of excitement, mystery, and intrigue.
A "devil may care" attitude: a feeling of mystery, intrigue, and curiosity.
A few vulnerabilities / Byronic personality traits: a feeling of relation, comfort, and a desire to
"save."
All rolled up together, these five qualities make you one heck of a compelling, captivating, and sexy
man.
Learning to target communicating the right emotions is something of an art, and it takes time. It's
harder than rolling off a list of achievements if you're not accustomed to doing it, but once you've
got the basics of communicating sentiment through talking about yourself down, this isn't so hard.
For instance, say I want you to think I'm a really prosocial guy, and we're talking in a caf
somewhere. You ask me what I like to do for fun, and I tell you I'm something of an adventure
traveler - I travel to exotic places most people don't dare visit - and that I take great pleasure in
sampling the local food and customs and amenities, both because that gives me a real taste of that
culture, and also because it's a chance for me to show them that people from our country care about
their culture and aren't elitist, and for me to support local people outside the standard tourist
industry, too.
In just a couple of sentences, I've just shown you I am both adventurous (traveling to exotic places)
and prosocial (interested in local culture, supporting local people, and concerned with building a
good impression of my home culture with the local culture).
A few more sentences and you can probably hit all the points.
When you talk like this - when you're focused on how to talk about yourself in a way that
communicates sentiment and emotions and personal qualities, rather than raw facts, stats, and
achievements alone - you communicate a much richer, fuller picture of yourself than you can by just
reeling off accomplishments.
So How Do You Tell Your Story?
How do you tell a proper story about yourself then - one that hits many, most, or all of these
qualities Dominance
Prosocial behavior
Adventurousness
A "devil may care" attitude
A few vulnerabilities / Byronic personality traits
... and follows the rules of those aspects for talking about yourself we covered:

Keeping talk about yourself to a minimum

Presenting yourself as a "legendary figure"
Presenting yourself as a relatable human being
Ending talking about yourself and turning it back to her
... and do all that in a natural, smooth, cohesive way?
How do you keep the emphasis on, above all, being dominant and being prosocial while
communicating things about yourself and regaling women with your adventures and experiences?
Well, for that one, you'll have to wait for the next article in this series - one on how to tell a story
that rivets and captivates.
So stay tuned.
Until next time,
Chase Amante