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AnnaDostoyevskyontheSecrettoaHappyMarriage:WisdomfromOneofHistorysTruestandMostBeautifulLovesBrainPickings

AnnaDotoevkontheSecrettoaHapp
Marriage:WidomfromOneofHitorTruet
andMotBeautifulLove
Howtonurturealovethatwouldtandaafirmwall,thatwontletou
fall,anditgivewarmth.
Y M A R I A P O P O VA

Intheummerof1865,jutafterheeganwritingCrimeand

Punihment,thegreatetnovelitofalltimehitrockottom.
Recentlwidowedandedeviledepilep,Fodor

Dotoevk(Novemer11,1821Feruar9,1881)had

corneredhimelfintoanimpoileituation.Afterhielder

rotherdied,Dotoevk,alreaddeeplindetonaccountof
higamlingaddiction,hadtakenuponhimelfthedetof

hirothermagazine.Creditorooncameknockingonhi
door,threateningtoendhimtodetorprion.(Adecade

earlier,hehadnarrowlecapedthedeathpenaltforreading
annedookandwainteadexiled,entencedtofourear

ataierianlaorcampothepropectofeingimprioned

waunearalterrifingtohim.)Inafitofdepair,heagreedtoelltherighttoanedition

ofhicollectedworktohipuliher,amannamedFodortellovk,fortheumofhidet
3,000rule,oraround$80,000intodamone.Apartofthedeal,hewouldalohave

toproduceanewnovelofatleat175pageNovemer13ofthefollowingear.Ifhefailed
tomeetthedeadline,hewouldloeallrighttohiwork,whichwouldetranferredto
tellovkforperpetuit.

OnlafterigningthecontractdidDotoevkfindoutthatitwahipuliher,acunning
exploiterwhooftentookadvantageofartitdownontheirluck,whohadpurchaedthe

promiornoteofhirotherdetfornexttonothing,uingtwointermediarietoull
Dotoevkintopaingthefullamount.nragedutwithoutrecoure,heetouttofulfill

hicontract.uthewaoconumedwithfinihingCrimeandPunihmentthathepentmot
of1866workingonitinteadofwritingTheGamler,thenovelhehadpromiedtellovk.
WhenOctoerrolledaround,Dotoevklanguihedatthepropectofwritinganentire
novelinfourweek.

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PortraitofFodorDotoevkbVailPerov,1871

Hifriend,concernedforhiwell-eing,propoedaortofcrowdourcingcheme

Dotoevkwouldcomeupwithaplot,thewouldeachwriteaportionofthetor,andhe
wouldthenonlhavetomoothoverthefinalproduct.ut,areoluteidealitevenathi

lowetlow,Dotoevkthoughtitdihonoraletoputhinameonomeoneeleworkand
refued.

Therewaonlonethingtodowritethenovel,andwriteitfat.
OnOctoer15,hecalledupafriendwhotaughttenograph,eekingtohirehietpupil.

Withoutheitation,theprofeorrecommendedaoungwomannamedAnnaGrigorevna

nitkina.(tenograph,inthatera,waaradicalinnovationanditmaterwaotechnicall
demandingthatofthe150tudentwhohadenrolledinAnnaprogram,125haddroppedout
withinamonth.)

Twent-ear-oldAnna,whohadtakenuptenographhortlaftergraduatingfromhigh

choolhopingtoecomefinanciallindependentherownlaor,wathrilledtheoffer
Dotoevkwaherrecentldeceaedfatherfavoriteauthor,andhehadgrownup

readinghitale.Thethoughtofnotonlmeetinghimuthelpinghimwithhiworkfilled
herwithjo.

Thefollowingda,hepreentedherelfatDotoevkhoueateleven-thirt,noearlier
andnolater,aDotoevkhadintructedafavoriteexpreionofhi,epeakinghi
tringenc.Ditractedandirritale,heakedheraerieofquetionaouthertraining.

Althoughheanweredeachofthemerioulandalmotdrl,oatoappearmaximall
uinelike,heomehowoftenedoverthecoureoftheconveration.theearl

afternoon,thehadeguntheircollaorationonthenovelhe,dictating;he,writingin
tenographichorthand,thentrancriingathomeatnight.

Forthenexttwent-fiveda,AnnacametoDotoevkhoueatnoonandtaeduntil
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four.Theirdictatingeionwerepunctuatedhortreakforteaandconveration.With
eachda,hegrewkinderandwarmertowardher,andeventuallcametoaddreherhi
favoritetermofendearment,goluchikRuianforlittledove.Hecherihedher

erioune,herextraordinarpowerofmpath,howherluminoupiritdiipatedeven
hidarketmoodandliftedhimoutofhioeivethought.hewatouchedhi

kindne,hirepectforher,howhetookagenuineinteretinheropinionandtreatedher
likeacollaoratorratherthanhiredhelp.utneitherofthemwaawarethatthideep
mutualaffectionandappreciationwatheeedofalegendarlove.

Inheraltogetherpectacularmemoirofmarriage,DotoevkReminicence(puliclirar),
Annarecountaprecientexchangethattookplaceduringoneoftheirteareak:

achda,chattingwithmelikeafriend,hewouldlaareomeunhappcenefromhi
pat.Icouldnothelpeingdeepltouchedathiaccountofthedifficultiefromwhich
hehadneverextricatedhimelf,andindeedcouldnot.
[]
FodorMikhailovichalwapokeaouthifinancialtraitwithgreatgoodnature.Hi
torie,however,wereomournfulthatononeoccaionIcouldntretrainmelffrom
aking,Whiit,FodorMikhailovich,thatourememeronltheunhapptime?
Tellmeinteadaouthowouwerehapp.

Happ?utIhaventhadanhappineet.Atleat,notthekindofhappineIalwa
dreamedof.Iamtillwaitingforit.

Littledideitherofthemknowthathewainthepreenceofthathappineatthatver

moment.Infact,Anna,inhercharacteriticimpulefordipellingthedarknewithlight,
adviedhimtomarragainandeekhappineinfamil.herecounttheconveration:

oouthinkIcanmarragain?heaked.Thatomeonemightconenttoecomem
wife?WhatkindofwifehallIchooethenanintelligentoneorakindone?
Anintelligentone,ofcoure.
Well,noifIhavethechoice,Illpickakindone,othathelltakepitonmeandlove
me.

Whilewewereonthethemeofmarriage,heakedmewhIdidntmarrmelf.I

anweredthatIhadtwouitor,othplendidpeopleandthatIrepectedthemoth
vermuchutdidnotlovethemandthatIwantedtomarrforlove.

Forlove,withoutfail,heecondedmeheartil.Repectaloneintenoughforahapp
marriage!

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TheirlatdictationtookplaceonNovemer10.WithAnnaintrumentalhelp,Dotoevk
hadaccomplihedthemiraculouhehadfinihedanentirenovelintwent-ixda.He

hookherhand,paidherthe50rulethehadagreedonaout$1,500intodamone
andthankedherwarml.

Thefollowingda,Dotoevkfort-fifthirthda,hedecidedtomarkthedualoccaion
givingaceleratordinnerataretaurant.HeinvitedAnna.hehadneverdinedata

retaurantandwaonervouthathealmotdidntgouthedid,andDotoevkpent
theeveninghoweringherwithkindnee.

utwhentheelationoftheaccomplihmentworeoff,heuddenlrealizedthathi

collaorationwithAnnahadecomethelightofhilifeandwadevatatedthepropectof
nevereeingheragain.Anna,too,foundherelfullenandjole,hertpicaluoanc
weigheddownanacuteaence.herecount:

Ihadgrownoaccutomedtothatmerrruhtowork,thejofulmeetingandthelivel
converationwithDotoevk,thatthehadecomeaneceittome.Allmold
activitiehadlottheirinteretandeemedemptandfutile.

Unaletoimaginehilifewithouther,DotoevkakedAnnaifhewouldhelphimfinih

CrimeandPunihment.OnNovemer20,exactltendaaftertheendoftheirfirtproject,he
invitedhertohihoueandgreetedherinanunuuallexcitedtate.Thewalkedtohi

tud,whereheproceededtopropoemarriageinthemotwonderfulandtouchingwa.
DotoevktoldAnnathathewouldlikeheropiniononanewnovelhewawriting.uta

oonaheegantellinghertheplot,itecameapparentthathiprotagonitwaaverthinl
veiledverionofhimelf,orratherofhimaheawhimelfatrouledartitoftheame
ageahe,havingurvivedaharhchildhoodandmanloe,plaguedanincurale

dieae,amangloom,upiciou;poeedofatenderheartutincapaleofexpreing
hifeeling;anartitandatalentedone,perhap,utafailurewhohadnotonceinhilife
ucceededinemodinghiideaintheformhedreamedof,andwhoneverceaedto

tormenthimelfoverthatfact.uttheprotagonitgreatettormentwathathehadfallen

deperatelinlovewithaoungwomanacharacternamedAna,removedfromrealit
aingleletterofwhomhefeltunworth;agentle,graciou,wie,andvivaciougirlwhom
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hefearedhehadnothingtooffer.
OnlthendiditdawnonAnnathatDotoevkhadfalleninlovewithherandthathewao
terrifiedofherrejectionthathehadtofeeloutherreceptivitfromehindtheguieof
fiction.

Iitplauile,Dotoevkakedher,thattheallegednovelheroinewouldfallinlovewith
itflawedhero?herecountthewordofliteraturegreatetpchologicalwriter:

Whatcouldthielderl,ick,det-riddenmangiveaoung,alive,exuerantgirl?
Wouldntherloveforhiminvolveaterrileacrificeonherpart?Andafterward,

wouldntheitterlregretunitingherlifewithhi?Andingeneral,woulditepoile

foraounggirlodifferentinageandperonalittofallinlovewithmartit?Wouldnt
thatepchologicallfale?ThatiwhatIwantedtoakouropinionaout,Anna
Grigorevna.

utwhwoulditeimpoile?Forif,aoua,ourAnaintmerelanemptflirt
andhaakind,reponiveheart,whcouldnthefallinlovewithourartit?Whatif
heipoorandick?Wheretheacrificeonherpart,anwa?Ifherealllovehim,
hellehapp,too,andhellneverhavetoregretanthing!

Ipokewithomeheat.FodorMikhailovichlookedatmeinexcitement.Andou
erioulelievehecouldlovehimgenuinel,andfortheretofherlife?

Hefellilent,aifheitating.Putourelfinherplaceforamoment,heaidina

tremlingvoice.Imaginethatthiartitime;thatIhaveconfeedmlovetoou
andakedoutoemwife.Tellme,whatwouldouanwer?

Hifacerevealeduchdeepemarrament,uchinnertorment,thatIundertoodat

longlatthatthiwanotaconverationaoutliterature;thatifIgavehimanevaive
anwerIwoulddealadeathlowtohielf-eteemandpride.Ilookedathitrouled

face,whichhadecomeodeartome,andaid,IwouldanwerthatIloveouandwill
loveouallmlife.

Iwonttrtoconvethewordfulloftenderneandlovethatheaidtomethen;the

areacredtome.Iwatunned,almotcruhedtheimmenitofmhappineand
foralongtimeIcouldntelieveit.

FodorandAnnaweremarriedonFeruar15,1867,andremainedeottedwithoneanother
untilDotoevkdeathfourteenearlater.Althoughtheufferedfinancialhardhipand

tremendoutraged,includingthedeathoftwooftheirchildren,theuoedeachotherwith
love.AnnatookituponherelftoliftthefamiloutofdetmakingherhuandRuia
firtelf-pulihedauthor.hetudiedtheookmarketmeticuloul,reearchedvendor,

matermindedditriutionplan,andturnedDotoevkintoanationalrand.Toda,man
coniderherRuiafirttrueuinewoman.uteneathheruineacumenwathe

ametender,enormouheartthathadmadelovingroomwithinitelfforarilliantmanwith
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allofhidemon.

AnnaDotoevkaabLauraCallaghanfromTheWho,the
What,andtheWhen

Intheafterwordtohermemoir,Annareflectontheecrettotheirdeepandtruemarriage
oneofthegreatetloveinthehitorofcreativeculture:

Throughoutmlifeithaalwaeemedakindofmtertomethatmgoodhuand
notonllovedandrepectedmeamanhuandloveandrepecttheirwive,ut

almotworhippedme,athoughIwereomepecialeingcreatedjutforhim.And
thiwatruenotonlattheeginningofourmarriageutthroughalltheremaining

earofit,uptohiverdeath.WhereainrealitIwanotditinguihedformgood

look,nordidIpoetalentnoranpecialintellectualcultivation,andIhadnomore
thanaecondareducation.Andet,depiteallthat,Iearnedtheprofoundrepect,
almottheadorationofamanocreativeandrilliant.

ThienigmawaclearedupformeomewhatwhenIreadV.V.Rozanovnotetoaletter
oftrakhovdatedJanuar5,1890,inhiookLiterarxile.Letmequote:

Noone,notevenafriend,canmakeuetter.utitiagreathappineinlife
tomeetaperonofquitedifferentcontruction,differentent,completel

diimilarviewwho,whilealwaremaininghimelfandinnowieechoingu
norcurringfavorwithu(aometimehappen)andnottringtoininuate

hioul(andaninincereoulatthat!)intoourpche,intoourmuddle,intoour
tangle,wouldtandaafirmwall,aachecktoourfollieandourirrationalitie,
whicheverhumaneingha.Friendhiplieincontradictionandnotin

agreement!Veril,Godgrantedmetrakhovaateacherandmfriendhipwith
him,mfeelingforhimwereeverakindoffirmwallonwhichIfeltIcould
alwalean,orratherret.Anditwontletoufall,anditgivewarmth.
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Intruth,mhuandandIwereperonofquitedifferentcontruction,differentent,
completeldiimilarview.utwealwaremainedourelve,innowaechoingnor
curringfavorwithoneanother,neitherofutringtomeddlewiththeotheroul,

neitherIwithhipchenorhewithmine.AndinthiwamgoodhuandandI,oth
ofu,feltourelvefreeinpirit.

FodorMikhailovich,whoreflectedomuchinomucholitudeonthedeepet

prolemofthehumanheart,doutleprizedmnon-interferenceinhipiritualand

intellectuallife.Andthereforehewouldometimeatome,Youaretheonlwoman
whoeverundertoodme!(Thatwawhathevaluedaoveall.)Helookedonmeaa

rockonwhichhefelthecouldlean,orratherret.Anditwontletoufall,anditgive
warmth.

Itithi,Ielieve,whichexplaintheatonihingtrutmhuandhadinmeandinall
mact,althoughnothingIeverdidtrancendedthelimitoftheordinar.Itwathee
mutualattitudewhichenaledothofutoliveinthefourteenearofourmarried
lifeinthegreatethappinepoileforhumaneingonearth.

ComplementthewhollenchantingDotoevkReminicencewithFridaKahlotouching
rememranceofDiegoRivera,JaneAutenadviceonloveandmarriage,andphiloopher

richFrommonwhatikeepingufrommateringtheartofloving,thenreviitDotoevk
onwhtherearenoadpeopleandthedahedicoveredthemeaningoflifeinadream.

PulihedFeruar15,2016

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