Birds of Paradise

A One -Act Play

By
Adam Harre ll
Re vise d Draft: 1.27.11

519 1/2 S Almon St. Apt F

Moscow, ID 83843
208.371.5351
harr9096@vandals.uidaho.e du
(c) 2010, 2011 by author. All rights re se rve d.

BIRDS OF PARADISE
CAST:
ARCHIE, m, 25-30
EMMA, f, 25-30
SETTING:
The action primarily take s place in a classroom whe re ARCHIE le cture s, and move s
fluidly through the history of his and EMMA's re lationship.
Author's Note: No blackouts e xce pt whe re note d.

SCENE 1.
Lights rise on a se t consisting of a be d, a podium
that face s the audie nce , two bar stools with a tall
table , and a re ctangular buffe t table with e nough
e mpty space to sugge st othe r locations.
Its morning. The air is fille d with bird songs.
ARCHIE and EMMA stir and involuntarily cuddle
up, both e xhaling a long sigh.
The bird songs fade . EMMA slowly wake s up.
ARCHIE follows suit. She yawns. The ir e ye s
me e t. The y both le ap out of be d.
ARCHIE
Oh my.
EMMA
He llo.
ARCHIE
Hi.
(Be at.)
We can be adults about it. We dont have to fre ak out or anything.
EMMA
I wasnt going to fre ak out.
ARCHIE
Me e ithe r.
EMMA
Good. Thats good.
ARCHIE
Gre at.

2.

EMMA
(Be at.)
We drank too much.
ARCHIE
Far too much.
EMMA
Te rribly too much.
ARCHIE
We re awful pe ople .
EMMA
Right. We are awful.
ARCHIE
Te rrible .
EMMA
Just atrocious.
ARCHIE
Ye ah.
EMMA
We should... put some thing on.
ARCHIE
Like music?
EMMA
Clothe s. What time is it?
ARCHIE
Um, 8:20 --

3.

EMMA
Shit! I ne e d to use your bathroom.
ARCHIE
Ple ase .
EMMA
(Se arche s for he r clothe s.)
Shit.
ARCHIE
What?
EMMA
I cant find my pantie s.
ARCHIE
Oh.
EMMA
Will you he lp me look? Im kind of nake d unde r he re .
ARCHIE
Of course !
(Le ans ove r, notice s some thing amiss in his boxe r
shorts. He sticks his hands in the m and fishe s out
EMMAs pantie s.)
Thats odd.
EMMA
Can I have the m?
ARCHIE
Ye ah! He re .

4.

EMMA
Thanks.
EMMA gathe rs he r clothe s and hurrie s offstage
to the bathroom.
ARCHIE
Wait, wait. I have to go first. Ill be re ally quick.
ARCHIE runs off to the bathroom. While EMMA
is waiting, she digs in he r purse and finds a
LETTER. She looks around, finds ARCHIEs
jacke t, and slips it in the pocke t. A toile t flushe s.
ARCHIE e nte rs.
ARCHIE
All yours.
EMMA
Thanks.
ARCHIE ge ts dre sse d, talking to EMMA offstage .
ARCHIE
Whe n doe s your flight le ave ?
EMMA (O.S.)
Not til 2:30, but I still have to run home and pick up my suitcase , drop my ke ys
off...
ARCHIE
What about all your stuff?
EMMA (O.S.)
The move rs took it alre ady.
ARCHIE
Thats right. Do you ne e d a ride ?

5.

EMMA (O.S.)
Ill take a cab.
ARCHIE
Cmon, Ill save you cab fare .
EMMA (O.S.)
Youll pay the same in gas.
ARCHIE
Ye ah, I suppose .
EMMA e nte rs, hastily dre sse d.
EMMA
Be side s, you have to go te ach your class.
ARCHIE
Oh my God I didnt e ve n look at my le sson plan last night.
EMMA
Can you hand me my purse ?
ARCHIE
He re .
(Grabs the purse and crosse s to he r.)
At le ast le t me walk you to the curb.
EMMA
Its okay.
ARCHIE
I could make coffe e . Wake you up a little ?
EMMA
I cant. I re ally, just re ally have to go.

6.

ARCHIE
I unde rstand.
EMMA is re ady to go.
ARCHIE
So. This is the big goodbye .
EMMA
I suppose .
ARCHIE
Be st of luck ove r the re .
EMMA
(Small pause .)
I wish I could stay for coffe e , but -ARCHIE
You have a flight to catch. Say no more .
EMMA
Right. We ll, goodbye Archie .
ARCHIE
Goodbye , Emma.
EMMA
Stay in touch.
ARCHIE
Of course . And dont worry about things, you know? Youll do gre at. You
always do. You know, you are , quite a -- youll do good.

7.

EMMA
Thank you.
(Be at.)
Im sorry if this is we ird for you or anything.
ARCHIE
Why would it be we ird?
EMMA
Come on, Archie .
ARCHIE
What?
EMMA
Dont be that way.
ARCHIE
Im not any way. Eve rythings fine .
EMMA
Are you sure ?
ARCHIE
Ill be fine .
EMMA
(Pause .)
We ll, goodbye .
ARCHIE
Goodbye .
She he sitate s, the n give s him a long hug.

8.

EMMA
Ill se e you around. Maybe ne xt summe r.
ARCHIE
For sure .
She e xits. Lights change . ARCHIE puts on a coat
and tie and mans a podium, carrying te xtbooks
and stacks of pape r.
ARCHIE
Okay, hi. Eve ryone kind of take the ir se ats so we can ge t starte d. My name
is Archie . I am not a profe ssor. I should ge t that out of the way. I work at
the Ornithological Institute , down by the range r station at the wildlife
pre se rve , if anyone fe e ls like visiting and taking in some nature . The y aske d
me to te ach a spe cial topics class this se me ste r, which is...
(Pulls out a slip of pape r and inspe cts it.)
Studie s in Migratory Bird Patte rns. If youre in the wrong class (I dont know
how you could ge t it confuse d), fe e l fre e to hang out. It may possibly be a lot
of fun. Or, you know, if you dont fe e l like hanging out, fly away, as it we re .
(Small pause .)
Thats a little bird joke . Ahe m. So if youre taking this surve y class it me ans
you we re scrambling for a fe w e xtra graduate cre dits, saw the de scription
and thought it might be inte re sting, or at le ast thought it would be an e asy A.
I myse lf am an ornithologist, as I said, I work at the Institute . A lot of pe ople
ask me , whats an ornithologist? Okay, so no one asks me that, but Ill te ll
you anyway. Ornithology is hard to de fine . It cross-polle nate s with othe r
branche s of scie nce . Im talking biologists, wildlife biologists, e cologists, land
manage rs, te ache rs, re se arche rs... I work with the m all and the y all call
the mse lve s ornithologists. The only re al common thread the re is a de e p,
since re passion for birds -(He drops his books on accide nt. Pape rs go flying.
He scramble s to pick the m up and arrange s the m
on his podium.)
Youll have to forgive me . I had kind of a rough morning.

9.

Im pe rpe tually playing catch-up the se days. It was... we ll, it was a rough
summe r ove rall. But Im sure no one wants to he ar about my life . Its for the
birds!
(Be at.)
Anothe r joke .
(Cle ars his throat.)
Im sure youve all had a chance to look at the syllabus. Its all pre tty
straightforward. Show up, dont be late , do the work, all that jazz. Le ts just
jump in, shall we ? Youve all got your books hope fully, so why dont we all
ge t those out. Im gonna start he re by talking about migration, strange ly
e nough. Now, migration is a ve ry spe cific phe nome non. Only about 18% of
bird spe cie s actually migrate . For instance , me mbe rs of the family
Paradisae idae -- more commonly known as birds-of-paradise -- you know,
like Toucan Sam -- are se de ntary, since the y live in a warm e nvironme nt
ye ar-round. And thats why birds migrate , pe ople -- to conse rve e ne rgy. Its
that simple . Of course the re are various subtle tie s that we ll go into in-de pth,
but thats e sse ntially whats happe ning the re . A warme r e nvironme nt during
bre e ding se ason me ans more time in the day to forage for food, build a ne st,
and of course court a mate . In orde r to e nsure the survival of your spe cie s.
(Small pause .)
Er, ope n your te xtbook to page 36. Le ts take a look at the se le gs. MAPS!
Le ts take a look at the se maps. Look at all the se disparate route s. Pre tty
confusing, e h? So how do the y know? How do the y know whe n to le ave ,
whe re to go, what route s to follow? We ll, its rathe r inte re sting. The re are
two basic ways birds le arn to migrate . Some spe cie s are taught by the ir
pare nts, route s passe d down from one ge ne ration to anothe r, and othe rs
se e m to be ge ne tically programme d at birth and just know whe re the ir
winte ring are a is. Pre tty ne at, huh? The latte r phe nome na is ge ne rally found
in smalle r spe cie s of the orde r Passe riforme s, warble rs, finche s, e tce te ra.
He re s a fre aky side note : Some time s, ine xplicably, one of the se birds will be
born with incorre ct ge ne tic programming -- and that le ads to some thing we
call re ve rse migration. The birds will quite lite rally fly in the opposite
dire ction during the winte ring se ason, backtracking to a colde r e nvironme nt,
cause the ir radar is all out of whack. Most of the time , be cause of the
unfamiliar e nvironme nts the y find the mse lve s in... the y... pe rish.

10.

ARCHIE crosse s to two barstools and sits ne xt to

EMMA.
SCENE 2.
ARCHIE and EMMA e ach have a pint of be e r and
are holding up shot glasse s, re ady to hit it.
ARCHIE
We raise the m up, the n we say, Kampai!
EMMA
Whats Kampai?
ARCHIE
In Japan, inste ad of che e rs, the y say, Kampai!
EMMA
Is that true ?
ARCHIE
Japane se pe ople told me , so Im assuming it is.
EMMA
Japane se pe ople from Japan?
ARCHIE
Actual Japane se pe ople !
EMMA
Good e nough for me ! Kampai!
ARCHIE
Kampai!
The y lick the ir hands and down the ir shots. The ir
face s pucke r up uncomfortably until the y bite into
the ir lime we dge s.

11.

EMMA
Is it bad that I drink my fe e lings?
ARCHIE
You make up for it in othe r are as.
EMMA
The n I would like to propose a toast.
ARCHIE
He re we go.
EMMA
Shut up.
(The y raise the ir be e rs.)
To you, Archie . You may be name d afte r a me mbe r of the Jughead Gang,
but you have be e n a good frie nd, a good guy... just a plain good e ve rything.
You, sir, are tops in my book. End of toast.
ARCHIE
As long as we re toasting, Id like to propose one myse lf.
EMMA
By all me ans.
ARCHIE
To you, Emma. You are ... le ts say swe e t?
EMMA
As a milk shake .
ARCHIE
Swe e t as a milk shake . With good goals. And good dre ss se nse . I have to
say with no small amount of conviction that no matte r whe re we may e nd up
in the crazy, de spe rate world, I will always conside r you... some pe rson I
me t.

12.

EMMA
(Hits his arm.)
Asshole !
ARCHIE
In all se riousne ss. I am so ple ased you got that job. You are going to be the
be st damn junior... account... finance thing the re e ve r was. Skys the limit!
Youre Mary Tyle r Moore , Lois Lane , and e ve rything e lse . I am ple ase d as
punch with you. To your last night in town, Kampai!
EMMA
Kampai!
ARCHIE
And you look stunning tonight.
EMMA
Are you stunne d by me ?
ARCHIE
This is me , stunne d.
EMMA
I think you spe nt too much time with the birds in Japan, Grizzly Adams.
Youve got the mountain madne ss.
ARCHIE
Youre just je alous cause I spe nt the last month re se arching migration
patte rns, growing a be ard, and e ating Spam. You wish you could have my
life .
EMMA
I cant hide it anymore . Your job is so inte re sting.
ARCHIE
Damn right its inte re sting. Take a feathe r.

13.

EMMA
Not the fe athe r thing again.
ARCHIE
Fe athe rs are miracle s of e volution. Pe rfe ctly de signe d. Thousands upon
thousands of tiny, inte rlocking fibe rs, creating a -EMMA
(Make s loud snoring noise s.)
Im sorry, we re you talking?
ARCHIE
I dont have to put up with this abuse . This wanton abuse .
EMMA
You are so put upon.
ARCHIE
Its good to se e you.
EMMA
You too.
ARCHIE
(Awkward pause .)
Im sorry, you know?
EMMA
Archie ...
ARCHIE
I fe lt guilty.
EMMA
No --

14.

ARCHIE
I want to take it back. Will it go back?
EMMA
I was angry at you but Im not anymore .
ARCHIE
I had no ide a what I was saying.
EMMA
Who kne w what was happe ning?
ARCHIE
I just, I wish this wasnt so hard.
EMMA
If it we re e asy, the re would be an easy answe r.
ARCHIE
I suppose .
EMMA
This is so scre we d up.
ARCHIE
No, no.
EMMA
I shouldnt have dragge d you out he re . I shouldnt have made such a big
de al about se e ing you. I shouldnt have -ARCHIE
No. Its okay. Im glad youre he re .
EMMA
Le ts not talk about it. Le ts agre e to ne ve r me ntion it e ve r again.

15.

ARCHIE take s he r hand. She give s it in kind;

smile s. Lights change .
ARCHIE addre sse s the class again.
ARCHIE
Now uh, last summe r I actually did some fie ld re se arch on migration for the
Ornithological Institute . By fie ld re se arch I me an I sat in a hide for a month
tracking a cast of Swainsons Hawks. And le t me te ll you, its a harsh
e nvironme nt on the northe rn coast of Japan. So le ts say by provide nce you
le ave for your winte ring are a with no ill e ffe cts, ke e p your be aring and
survive the journe y and e nd up whe re youre suppose d to be . The re are still
she e r cliff face s to conte nd with, unpre dictable we athe r, and a cornucopia of
pre dators. So timing is important. I witne sse d many a hawk me e t the ir
de mise simply be cause the y showe d up too late or too e arly. You ge t to the
rode o too e arly, the re s a lot of food, but little stre ngth in numbe rs, and
youre more than like ly to be kille d by the cliff-dwe lling snake s, e spe cially if
youre a we akling or a runt. You ge t to the rode o too late , you miss out on
the be st ne sting grounds, food is scarce , and your chance s of finding a mate
drop by about 80%. Howe ve r, it is much e asie r to ge t a table for one .
EMMA e nte rs, holding a le tte r. ARCHIE stare s
blankly as she spe aks.
EMMA
De ar Archie and the re st of the Jughe ad Gang -- boy that joke ne ve r ge ts old.
I hope youre doing we ll and that youre not ge tting any strange rashe s. I
hope you dont mind I got your addre ss from the Institute . I dont quite know
how to say Im sorry for what happe ne d be fore you le ft for Japan. Le ts face
it, ne ithe r of us handle d that situation we ll. I was angry. Not just about what
happe ne d with you. It was a lot of things adding up. Im re ally trying to not
be angry anymore and take things as the y come . Im sorry things have be e n
so backwards be twe e n us. I cant e xplain what happe ne d with you. I re ally
ne e de d some one and you be came my close st frie nd. If things we re
diffe re nt, it would be diffe re nt, but things are nt diffe re nt. I know that sounds
lame ; I gue ss Im just lame . I cant e xplain it, e xce pt to say Im sorry it had to
happe n that way. I hope we can still be frie nds.

16.

(Pause .)
Im moving to Sacrame nto. I dont think I e ve r caught the e xact date you
said youd be back, but you ne e d to se e me be fore I leave . You have to be
back by the 30th. If youre not, Ill find you and kill you. Just kidding. I
probably wouldnt be able to find you. Im a real albatross. Se e what I did
the re ? Thats a bird joke be cause youre a bird scie ntist. Since re ly, Emma.
EMMA vanishe s. ARCHIE snaps to.
ARCHIE
Er, forgive me . I kind of... space d out the re for a se cond. Whe re we re we ?
Um...
(Shuffle s through his pape rs; give s up.)
I me ntione d I had a rough summe r. I uh... we ll... this is not the place to go
into it. That would be unprofe ssional.
Lights change .
SCENE 3.
ARCHIEs apartme nt. EMMA e nte rs, wearing a
camping backpack.
EMMA
Ive got a te nt, sle e ping roll, cante e n, compass, knife -- survival and Swiss
Army -- dinne rware , came ra, flare s, de hydrate d astronaut food, hash,
marijuana...
ARCHIE
He y.
EMMA
Are you packe d?
ARCHIE
Not re ally.

17.

EMMA
What? Whats up?
ARCHIE
I got a call from the Institute .
EMMA
And?
ARCHIE
We ll, Roge r -- the guy who normally watche s the hawks in the summe r -- he
got mono. The y ne e de d some one to fill in.
EMMA
So no camping trip?
ARCHIE
I have to le ave tomorrow. For Japan.
EMMA
Japan?
ARCHIE
We re watching a cast of Swainsons Hawks in northe rn Japan. Um, Roge r
the guy who runs the thing, he s writing a book about the m.
EMMA
Oh.
ARCHIE
He kind of shuffle s the inte rns around, we re on a rotating list. My card came
up.
EMMA
So you have to go watch birds?
ARCHIE
Hawks, te chnically.

18.

EMMA
We ve be e n planning this trip for...
ARCHIE
Ye ah.
EMMA
To just call you up like that -ARCHIE
I know.
EMMA
Japan? Youre going to Japan? I am so pisse d. I me an, gre at for you, but
are nt you kind of pisse d off right now?
ARCHIE
We ll -EMMA
Mono? You ge t mono in high school. Who ge ts mono anymore ?
ARCHIE
I kind of did volunte e r for this. I put myse lf on the list.
EMMA
Oh. Oh ye ah, of course . Um... how long will you be gone ?
ARCHIE
Most of the summe r.
EMMA
Till whe n?
ARCHIE
The e nd of August.

19.

EMMA
I wont ge t to se e you for the re st of the summe r.
ARCHIE
Emma, its a big ste p. The ne xt ste p is an actual job at the institute .
EMMA
I know, and Im more than happy for you. Im just... its a lot at once . The
trip, you be ing gone for so long, and its not a big thing, but I alre ady put the
de posit down on the campsite .
ARCHIE
(Ge ts his walle t out.)
Ill pay you back. What was it, fifty?
EMMA
Its not a big thing.
ARCHIE
Im the one cance lling.
EMMA
Its not a big de al -ARCHIE
(Counts some bills out; hands the m to he r.)
Forty-se ve n, forty-e ight... thats forty-e ight dollars. I gue ss Ill owe you a
Coke .
EMMA
You dont have to pay me back.
ARCHIE
I insist.

20.

EMMA
You couldnt have planne d for this.
ARCHIE
Will you take it anyway? Its a big de al to me .
EMMA
No, its -ARCHIE
Just take it -EMMA
I dont want your mone y, Archie .
ARCHIE
(Pause .)
Okay, fine . Dont want it, you dont have to take it.
(Pause .)
I have to start ge tting packe d.
(Pause .)
What.
(Be at.)
I dont unde rstand why this bothe rs you so much.
EMMA
Youre almost re lie ve d that you dont have to go on this trip. Youre shoving
mone y at me and rushing me out the door. You have nt e ve n le t me come in
and sit down ye t. We re you e ve n going to le t me come in and sit down?
ARCHIE
Come in, sit down.

21.

EMMA
Ill stand, thanks.
ARCHIE
The n what are you angry about?
EMMA
Why do I fe e l like I misse d some thing?
ARCHIE
You know this whole situation is fucke d up.
EMMA
What situation?
ARCHIE
Im in love with you, Emma.
EMMA
Youre in love with me ?
ARCHIE
I imme diate ly re gre t saying that.
EMMA
We ll good for you, you said it anyway!
ARCHIE
Dont ge t angry.
EMMA
We talke d about this alre ady.
ARCHIE
I cant he lp it. The more time I spe nd with you, I -- the close r I ge t to you, I
me an to say... the more I cant stand not be ing around you, and... I had this
whole re he arse d thing and now I sound like a psychopath. I didnt sle e p.

22.

I staye d up all night turning it ove r in my he ad be cause I wante d to say it

right, but at the same time I had no ide a what I was e ve n thinking of. Oh, this
doe snt make any se nse . What make s it worse is I had you, and the n -EMMA
You ne ve r had me -ARCHIE
We ll -EMMA
Im with some one .
ARCHIE
I know.
EMMA
You know how long Ive be e n with him.
ARCHIE
Ye ah -EMMA
Do you ge t it? I was ne ve r in love with you. I love him, not you.
ARCHIE
Youre about to go on a camping trip with me .
EMMA
Im going camping with you, so that me ans Im in love with you.
ARCHIE
Youre going camping with me alone . Without him.
EMMA
He doe snt like camping! I do! And he live s in goddamn Sacrame nto!

23.

ARCHIE
Stop ye lling.
EMMA
Im not ye lling. The point is he knows about it. Its not like Im sne aking off
with you, this isnt some illicit plan. I dont have a lot of frie nds that I can go
camping with.
ARCHIE
Im so tire d of this we ird code pe nde nt dance .
EMMA
I cant he lp it if you think thats whats going on he re -ARCHIE
Im not saying youre doing some thing awful, or that youre a bad pe rson...
Im just saying... I know Im not making this up. Youve said some things. You
know you have . Re me mbe r that we dding I took you to? Re me mbe r the
things you said?
EMMA
I was drunk.
ARCHIE
Doe snt matte r. I be lie ve d the m. You know? I tore myse lf apart thinking of
a way to te ll you what Im about to te ll you without hurting your fe e lings or
sounding like a schmuck.
EMMA
(Be at.)
Le ts have it.
ARCHIE
I cant hang out with you anymore . I cant talk on the phone . I cant... be
your frie nd basically.

24.

EMMA
Oh. So youre in love with me , I have to acce pt it. Or what? Or e lse ?
ARCHIE
Thats not what I said.
EMMA
The n what is it, Archie ?
ARCHIE
I just ne e d a bre ak.
EMMA
This isnt a bre ak-up. Stop talking like it is.
ARCHIE
But I ne e d one . I ne e d a bre ak.
EMMA
Maybe we have diffe re nt ide as of what frie ndship is.
ARCHIE
Do you sle e p with all your frie nds?
EMMA
Im so sorry. Im so sorry I sle pt with you. If had known it was such a
horrible mistake I wouldnt have force d you to do it -ARCHIE
You know what Im saying!
EMMA
Whe n I me t you I was vulne rable , and alone , not to me ntion waste d -ARCHIE
Oh ye s, you we re the wounde d fawn and I was the big, bad wolf. You we re nt
drunk or vulne rable the se cond time or the third time .

25.

EMMA
I stoppe d afte r the third time . Archie , liste n to me . All those mome nts you
think happe ne d be twe e n us we re nt re al. None of it was re al. You think
youre the first guy to e ve r te ll me the y we re in love with me and the n do the
e xact same bone -he ade d thing youre doing? Im just that girl. This is a
mistake .
ARCHIE
You are so cynical.
EMMA
I am not cynical!
ARCHIE
You act like youre curse d or its the will of the fate s, like youre saddle d with
some huge re sponsibility. How can you be such a coward?
EMMA
So what are you? With your advance d mind? You think youre doing
some thing noble ? Re st assure d, all thats happe ning he re is youre losing a
frie nd.
ARCHIE
Right.
EMMA
You could do a lot worse than me , okay? I am a good frie nd. I am patie nt,
unde rstanding, and loyal -ARCHIE
Oh, so thats why you dont mind be ing che ate d on. Your loyalty.
EMMA
Its none of your busine ss. Excuse me ? You think you have any ide a what
my re lationship consists of? Thats none of your busine ss!
ARCHIE
The n ke e p it to yourse lf! Its bad e nough you lie d about him!

26.

EMMA
Youre right. Im a manipulator. Im te rrible .
ARCHIE
No -EMMA
For your information, afte r the we dding he fle w me down to Santa Barbara
for the we e ke nd. He paid for e ve rything.
ARCHIE
And all you had to do was put on a kimono and shuffle around a bit.
EMMA
Youve got a strange way of showing some one you love the m.
ARCHIE
This is e xactly how pe ople in love tre at e ach othe r.
EMMA
No wonde r Sara le ft you.
ARCHIE
Youre no spring chicke n yourse lf.
EMMA
Re me mbe r that image I had of you? Ill ne ve r se e you that way again.
(Small pause .)
You broke this.
ARCHIE
Ple ase . Le arn how to be hone st be fore you give acrimony a shot.
EMMA
Whe n I walk out that door youre going to fe e l guilty, and youre not going to
be able to take any of it back! This is childish, youre be ing childish.

27.

And you know what the most disappointing thing about all of this is? Se e ing
some one so e xtraordinary be have in such an ordinary way.
ARCHIE
Id like to know what your ide a of ordinary is.
EMMA
(Be at.)
Hope fully this little monke yshine has shown you that Im not the pe rson you
think I am. You misplace d your love with me . The re s no way I could e ve r
love you. Not now. Not e ve r. Youre like a, a sycophantic Baby Hue y.
ARCHIE
At le ast I dont fuck my way out of my proble ms.
EMMA
(In te ars.)
I am a good pe rson! You he ar me ? My whole life I have trie d to do good
things! You stand ove r the re and you -- Rrgh! -- Fuck you! I dont ne e d shit
from you! Stick to the birds, Archie ! Go watch your fucking birds in Japan
and think about how this always se e ms to happe n to you!
ARCHIE
The yre hawks, te chnically -EMMA
Shut up! Just shut up and stay away from me !
She e xits. Lights change .
ARCHIE is te aching again.
ARCHIE
I dont me an to be a downe r or anything, but e ve rything be autiful die s.
Be cause it cant last. You know why? Be cause pe ople wont le t it.

28.

Pe rfe ct e xample -- we ll ge t back to the te xt in a minute , this is a ste rling

e xample -- Birds-of-paradise : Love ly creature s. You se e one of the se things
in the wild, and you cant be lie ve how be autiful the y are . You look at those
colors and you think to yourse lf, the re s no way some thing like that could
have happe ne d by accide nt. The local tribe s pe ople in Ne w Guine a also
thought as much. The y we re so impre sse d by the se birds in fact, the y
thought the ir fe athe rs posse sse d magical prope rtie s. So what did the y do?
Whats the ne xt logical ste p? We ll, the y slaughte re d the m, of course . The y
slaughte re d the m almost to the point of e xtinction to use the fe athe rs in the ir
rituals. Thats life for you. Look at that love ly creature ! Its rare and
be autiful and untouche d...
(Mime s a bow-and-arrow.)
Thwip! De ad.
Lights change .
SCENE 4.
A we dding re ce ption. ARCHIE and EMMA are
dre sse d nice ly. EMMA is plaste re d. She picks at
the buffe t.
EMMA
Have you se e n the size of the se shrimp?
ARCHIE
For the e le ve nth time , ye s.
EMMA
The yre huge .
ARCHIE
The yre jumbo shrimp. The yre suppose d to be huge .
EMMA
I cant e ve n be lie ve thats a thing thats re al.

29.

ARCHIE
How many glasse s?
EMMA
Why?
ARCHIE
You might want to slow down. You might e nd up e mbarrassing yourse lf.
EMMA
Its fre e wine . Its a we dding. Im having a good time . Eve ryone s having a
good time . What have I done thats so e mbarrassing?
ARCHIE
We ll, you walke d into the janitors close t be cause you thought it was the
bathroom and took a mop handle to the face ... the n you knocke d ove r the
ce nte rpie ce at our table ... and now you are digging through the shrimp at the
buffe t with e ve ryone watching, wonde ring if you have a he ad injury.
(Wave s to some one offstage .)
He llo. Gre at we dding.
EMMA
What are you saying, e xactly?
ARCHIE
Im saying, ix-nay on the azy-cray.
EMMA
Whats that?
ARCHIE
Thats pig language . Ne ve r mind. Youre doing a gre at job.
EMMA
Oh I se e .

30.

ARCHIE
Its fine .
EMMA
What, am I too much e xcite me nt for your hoity-toity-uppe r-crust-scie ntist
se t?
ARCHIE
I was just going to say that. That is so we ird.
EMMA
Your face !
ARCHIE
Good point.
EMMA
Look at this one . This is the bigge st one ye t.
ARCHIE
Oh ye ah, thats a ke e pe r.
EMMA
What we re you saying about e mbarrassing myse lf?
ARCHIE
Nothing. I like your dre ss.
EMMA
What, this old rag?
(A jingle .)
I got it at Ross!
(She spills he r plate .)
Shit!

31.

ARCHIE
The re s not any prize s give n out for the pe rson that drinks the most, you
know.
EMMA
Shush! He lp me cle an this up.
The y pick the food up.
ARCHIE
He re . What is with you tonight?
EMMA
Ive had a te rrible we e k, okay? What are you, my mom?
ARCHIE
Simple que stion.
EMMA
I didnt me an that. Im so sorry, Archie .
ARCHIE
Just slow down a little .
EMMA
That is a smart ide a. You... you are so smart. Youre like this smart scie ntist
guy.
ARCHIE
Okay -EMMA
(Loudly.)
Whate ve r! You are gre at. Youre gre at! And God damn it -- I dont know
why youre alone . I dont know why no one will love you. And Im sorry --

32.

ARCHIE
(Off.)
She s fine .
EMMA
Youre gre at and Im stupid. Im stupid, stupid, stupid.
ARCHIE
What? Thats not true .
EMMA
Oh I know it isnt. Liste n to me , Archie . Liste n. Are you liste ning?
ARCHIE
With my whole he ad.
EMMA
If you e ve r date anyone . If you e ve r start dating anyone , which you will,
be cause you know what, Sara was wrong for you. She was a bitch!
ARCHIE
Okay...
EMMA
No! Im se rious. Ive ne ve r be e n more se rious about anything. Youre
awe some . Youre an awe some guy, and... I dont know why youre alone .
ARCHIE
Thanks.
EMMA
If you e ve r date anyone ... Im going to be je alous. Im going to be like , shit.
ARCHIE
Emma, stop.

33.

EMMA
What?
ARCHIE
Youre drunk.
EMMA
Am I?
ARCHIE
Ye s, obviously.
EMMA
(Be at.)
She was the re again.
ARCHIE
Jesus.
EMMA
I pay $300 for a ticke t to go se e him for the we e ke nd. He s got this whole ne w
attitude . Things will be diffe re nt, he says. I show up, and she answe rs the
door. What the fuck.
ARCHIE
Im sorry.
EMMA
Whats wrong with me , huh?
ARCHIE
Nothings wrong with you. Youre pe rfe ct.
EMMA
Im fat.

34.

ARCHIE
Okay, Emma -EMMA
Am I annoying you?
ARCHIE
No, the bride and groom are coming. You have to raise your glass.
The y raise the ir glasse s.
EMMA
To life ! And love ! And most of all, to happine ss!
ARCHIE
Che e rs.
Lights change .
ARCHIE is te aching again.
ARCHIE
Maybe my ge ne tic code is scre we d up. Maybe I was born with no social
barome te r. I me an look at me , he re I am, not halfway into my first class and
Im acting like Im at an A.A. me e ting or some thing. The re must be some
re ason I fe e l this way, right? The re must be some rational e xplanation. Im
so pathe tic. I lost the spe lling be e in the fourth grade . I crie d for days ove r
it. A fe w days ago I was standing in line at the de li, and this guy in front of
me use s the word succe ssor, the word I lost on. A word I kne w e ve n back
the n. Whe n I got to the counte r I was froze n. The guy ke pt re pe ating my
total, but I was like a de e r in he adlights. For a minute I was back the re on the
stage of the gym-atorium, big placard around my ne ck, standing in front of a
microphone , school brass looking at me e xpe ctantly, and Im swe ating bulle ts
struggling to find the right thing to say. All I had to do was say the le tte rs, but
I choke d. Whe n the path is cle ar in front of me , I ine xplicably he ad in the
opposite dire ction, as if guide d by some moronic fairy godmothe r.

35.

(Be at.)
Did e ve ryone ge t a syllabus?
Lights change .
SCENE 5.
ARCHIE is holding a pair of binoculars on a rocky,
bluste ry be ach. EMMA arrive s, carrying a small
coole r.
ARCHIE
He y, you made it!
EMMA
It was no proble m. I just thre w away the use le ss dire ctions you gave me .
ARCHIE
We ll the important thing is we re toge the r.
EMMA
Thought the we athe r would be a lot nice r.
ARCHIE
What? What did you say? Sorry, its the wind -EMMA
I said I thought the we athe r would be a lot nice r!
ARCHIE
Oh. Oh no, not at this be ach. The we athe r is ne ve r nice at this be ach. Eve r.
EMMA
Inte re sting. Whe n you said we re going to the be ach, I thought -ARCHIE
Oh, I should have warne d you. I should have said some thing.

36.

EMMA
Its cool. I brought be e r.
ARCHIE
Good to se e you.
ARCHIE le ans in and give s he r an awkward kiss.
ARCHIE
Hi.
EMMA
Hi. So what am I doing out he re on the worlds funne st be ach? I like the
sce ne ry, by the way. You dont se e a lot of rocks the se days.
ARCHIE
Im glad you aske d. I thought we could watch the kingfishe rs.
EMMA
Kingfishe rs?
ARCHIE
The y ge t hungry around now, and its pre tty awe some . The way the y hunt,
you know? Er, it sounds lame . But I promise you... you se e one of the se
things hunt, and... its the most amazing thing e ve r. Pe riod.
EMMA
Re ally.
ARCHIE
Ye ah! I me an, the y hove r around, ze ro in on the targe t, and whe n the y lock
on, the y just plunge , like she e e www! And the n, pow! Up with the fish.
EMMA
Up with the fish.
ARCHIE
Up with the -- ye s, the -- yknow, back up in the air.

37.

EMMA
Got it.
ARCHIE
Its a whole lot of fun.
EMMA
I be lie ve you.
ARCHIE
(Be at.)
We dont have to.
EMMA
No, no... its fine . I want to se e it.
ARCHIE
Re ally?
EMMA
Its fine .
ARCHIE
We can do some thing e lse .
EMMA
No, dont worry. This is not.
ARCHIE
Um, this is not?
EMMA
(A lie .)
What? Im sorry, the wind.

38.

ARCHIE
You said, this is not...
EMMA
Oh. Nothing.
ARCHIE
This is not nothing?
EMMA
Ye s, this is not nothing.
ARCHIE
Oh. Okay.
(Pause .)
Um... he y, liste n. I dont know how you fe e l about scie ntists, but I got invite d
to my bosss we dding, and I kind of have a plus one . Its uh... um, would you
like to...? Its just that Im kind of trying to raise my profile a bit at the
institute and if you wante d to be my plus one -EMMA
Archie , wait... be fore you say anything e lse .
(Be at.)
I have a boyfrie nd. Ive be e n with him for the last 3 years.
ARCHIE
What?
EMMA
I said, I have a boyfrie nd, and Ive be e n with him for -ARCHIE
I heard you. I was just saying what! Are you se rious?
(EMMA nods.)
Aw...

39.

EMMA
Im sorry, Archie .
ARCHIE
Sorry for what, for lying to me ?
EMMA
Eve rything happe ne d so fast.
ARCHIE
I was just following your lead.
EMMA
I know.
ARCHIE
We ll what the f? Why did you kiss me ?
EMMA
Be cause I was attracte d to you? The same re ason you kisse d me ? I dont
know, okay. I know its shitty and Im sorry. The point is, this cant continue .
ARCHIE
Oh.
EMMA
I ruine d e ve rything.
ARCHIE
No, no -EMMA
The thing that make s it hard is youre so gre at, Archie . You re ally are . You
have to be lie ve that. If things we re diffe re nt, I me an, if this we re a paralle l
unive rse , Id be yours.
ARCHIE
Id be yours, too.

40.

EMMA
So you try and find the right time to te ll you some thing like this. I did my
be st.
ARCHIE
We shouldnt have sle pt toge the r.
EMMA
I know. I know. My re lationship... we we re having proble ms whe n I me t you.
We kind of broke up a fe w months ago, the n got back toge the r, and now he s
in Sacrame nto... its hard to tie up in a bow. I... its an impe rfe ct re lationship.
We re impe rfe ct pe ople .
ARCHIE
Sacrame nto?
EMMA
I dunno, Archie . I mean, you know what its like , right? Whe n youre at that
point whe re youre whate ve r, and you just ke e p doing it out of muscle
me mory? You ge t into the same lousy fights and do the same lousy things to
each othe r be cause you ne ve r want to say its ove r -ARCHIE
The n bre ak up with him.
EMMA
Its not that simple , okay? Im sorry.
ARCHIE
(Pause .)
Its just kind of shitty, you know? I thought we we re pre tty OK for that.
EMMA
We we re pre tty OK.
ARCHIE
Nothing huge or anything. It was... forge t it. Im -- thats --

41.

EMMA
I dont want you to hate me for this. I have this image of you, Archie . This
image made of stone about you. I dont want that to change . I dont want
you to fe e l sick whe n you se e me .
ARCHIE
We all would like that, sure .
EMMA
I ne ve r -- I just -- you scoope d me out of the bar and you we re the re and -- I
fe lt -- you we re so nice and you didnt care about... shit, what am I trying to
say... I ne ve r me t some one as... giving as you?
ARCHIE
Thanks?
EMMA
Oh, I sound like an idiot.
ARCHIE
No no, thats fair, you know? I me an, its not, but. Yknow. I ge t what youre
saying.
EMMA
Ye ah.
(Be at.)
We should agre e to be frie nds. Like frie nds.
ARCHIE
Sure . Frie nds sounds pre tty good for this situation.
EMMA
Good.
ARCHIE
Gre at.

42.

EMMA
(Pause .)
Le ts go some whe re warme r and talk.
ARCHIE
No... no, I came out to watch the m.
EMMA
Youre going to watch the kingfishe rs?
ARCHIE
Ye ah, I...
EMMA
You hate me .
ARCHIE
No, no, no. I totally unde rstand whe re youre coming from. I just ne e d time
to proce ss. Ill call you late r, okay?
EMMA
You sure ?
ARCHIE
Just go, Emma, Ill call you okay?
(Be at.)
Im not mad. Just... ye s, its bad we athe r, but I do this all the time . Its not a
big deal.
EMMA
Okay. Youll be okay?
ARCHIE
Fine . Ill call you late r.

43.

EMMA
Okay, Archie . Well, gbye .
(Small pause .)
Do you want this be e r?
ARCHIE
Consolation prize ?
EMMA
Ill le ave it.
She drops the coole r and e xits. ARCHIE pe e rs
through his binoculars.
ARCHIE
She e e www! Pow!
Lights change .
ARCHIE addre sse s his class.
ARCHIE
Le ts atte mpt to ge t back on task he re . Got to ge t it toge the r. Im normally
not this scatte r-braine d. I dont know what has posse sse d me . Um... le t me
organize my note s he re .
(Rifle s through his pape rs.)
Okay, okay. Le ts just forge t all that othe r stuff I was saying and ge t back to
Migratory Bird Patte rns. Um, migration route s vary by spe cie s... Its hard
to...
(Be at.)
Okay, I cant do this. I cant. Im tire d of this fe e ling. Like the whole world is
passing me by. Im tire d of se e ing happy couple s gallivanting down the
boardwalk without a care in the world while I rot inside an air-conditione d
room. I have so much to offe r, and so little me ans to do it with. Im a joke . A
big, fat joke . Look at all this.

44.

(Scatte rs his pape rs around.)

This is my life . Ive de vote d my life to a bunch of birds and ge t paid dick for
it. I walk around with a big smile and it looks like Im fine but the truth is Im
hollowe d out and fille d with straw. Im a straw man. And you know what the
funny part is? He re s a joke for you: Its ove r a pe rson who re ally isnt all
that gre at! Ye t she twists me up in knots and I dont e ve n re cognize myse lf in
the mirror anymore ! I might as we ll paint he r name on a fucking railroad
tre stle !
(Be at.)
Any que stions so far?
Lights change .
SCENE 6.
ARCHIEs apartme nt. EMMA is sle e ping ne xt to
him in his be d. He wake s up and stre tche s, the n
wake s EMMA by kissing he r shoulde r.
EMMA
(Stirs.)
What... what... oh. Youre kissing me .
ARCHIE
You look pre tty in the morning.
EMMA
Youre swe e t.
The y cuddle up and kiss, re gard each othe r for a
be at.
ARCHIE
(Springs out of be d.)
Ill make some coffe e .

45.

(Goe s to his coffe e make r and be gins pre paring.)

Its Folge rs Crystals, and its be e n sitting out for a fe w days, so dont e xpe ct
Paris in the Fall or anything.
EMMA
(Yawns, crosse s to him in he r unde rwe ar.)
No worrie s.
ARCHIE
(Be at; as he make s coffe e .)
Liste n um... Im sorry about... you know... my uh...
EMMA
Your what?
ARCHIE
Last night, whe n I ... you know.
EMMA
Oh that? Oh. Thats fine .
ARCHIE
I was ne rvous, you know?
EMMA
Archie , its fine . Guys te nd to make too big a de al out of it.
ARCHIE
Ye ah. So... was it, you know... how was it?
EMMA
How was it?
ARCHIE
Ye ah. Good, bad, ambivale nt?

46.

EMMA
It was... just okay.
ARCHIE
Kind of middle -of-the -road?
EMMA
For the most part.
ARCHIE
Thats what I thought.
EMMA
(Smile s.)
It was fine .
ARCHIE
Okay. I just ne e d to know what to put in my diary tonight.
EMMA
(Hits him.)
Shut up. What time is it?
ARCHIE
Eight-ish.
EMMA
Shit. I have to ge t dre sse d. I have work. Can I use your bathroom?
ARCHIE
Sure . Its down the hall, to the le ft. Wait, be fore you go.
ARCHIE kisse s he r. EMMA picks up he r clothe s,
which are scatte re d e ve rywhe re . She e xits to the
bathroom. ARCHIE finishe s the coffe e .

47.

ARCHIE
We we re pre tty drunk last night.
EMMA (O.S.)
Huh? Oh ye ah, I was.
ARCHIE
Do you usually ge t that drunk?
EMMA (O.S.)
Not usually. Last night was a spe cial occasion.
ARCHIE
Me too.
EMMA re -e nte rs, dre sse d.
ARCHIE
That was quick.
EMMA
Ye ah, we ll. Gre w up with thre e siste rs and one bathroom.
ARCHIE
(Hands he r a mug of coffe e .)
What time do you have to be at work?
EMMA
Oh, a half hour ago.
ARCHIE
Oh shit.
EMMA
Its okay. Im so close to quitting that place anyway.

48.

ARCHIE
We ll, if you ne e d to run I unde rstand. I just always drink coffe e in the
morning.
EMMA
Youre a fre ak.
ARCHIE
A supe r fre ak.
EMMA
(Be at.)
Ye ah, I probably should go. Ive alre ady be e n late this we e k. Sorry.
ARCHIE
No, thats fine . I have your numbe r, Ill give you a call.
EMMA
Ye s. Give me a call.
ARCHIE
Or you could call me .
EMMA
We have a lot of options.
ARCHIE
We do. Ple nty.
EMMA
Okay. We ll, okay. Im going to go the n.
ARCHIE
Okay. Have a good day.
EMMA
I will.

49.

She turns toward the door, but doe s not move . A

small pause .
ARCHIE
Got e ve rything?
EMMA
Ye ah, yeah. I do. I just...
ARCHIE
(Crosse s to he r.)
Can I walk you to the curb?
EMMA
No, Im fine .
ARCHIE
Okay. The n... I suppose you should ge t going. Early bird ge ts the worm and
all.
EMMA
Ye s. I have this fe e ling... I think I forgot some thing. Did I forge t some thing?
ARCHIE
No, I think you got e ve rything.
EMMA
Good.
ARCHIE
Gre at. We ll, goodbye .
The y kiss goodbye . The y kiss again and again
until the yre full-on making out. ARCHIE take s
EMMAs coat and purse off he r. EMMA stops in
the middle of it.

50.

EMMA
Afte r this, I re ally do have to go to work.
ARCHIE
Fair e nough.
The y move back to the be d. EMMA slips away
and vanishe s. ARCHIE re turns to the podium,
te aching.
ARCHIE
(Pause .)
Ive spe nt most of my life cate gorizing things. Hours and hours spe nt in
sme lly old labs and dingy hide s, re cording page s upon page s of data, the n
grouping and arranging it so it make s some kind of se nse . But pe ople make
no se nse to me . The birds have it figure d out. Whe n it ge ts cold, the y move
to whe re its warm. Whe n it ge ts cold the re , the y move back. The yre born,
the y e at a fe w fish, fly around a bit, the n the y die . But the yre ne ve r cold.
And I be t the yre happy.
Bird songs fill the air. ARCHIE puts on a loud
Hawaiian shirt, walks ove r to a bar stool and sits
down with a be e r. Lights change with him and the
bird songs subside .
SCENE 7.
EMMA e nte rs, notice s him, stare s for a mome nt,
the n approache s him.
EMMA
Ive se e n you in he re e ve ry night for the last we e k, and youre always
drinking a Spa Collins.
ARCHIE
Thats right. Enough liquor to ge t you drunk and e nough sugar to make you
not care .

51.

EMMA
So whats the story?
ARCHIE
The story?
EMMA
Whats your story?
ARCHIE
Um... I, uh...
EMMA
Sorry.
ARCHIE
No, youre fine . Id rathe r not say is all.
EMMA
Fine . Fine , fine . So... Im going to sit ne xt to you. Do you mind?
ARCHIE
(Looks around.)
Dont think you have a choice .
EMMA
It is so packe d in he re .
(Sits. Be at.)
You know what I found out today? No matte r how you slice it, I me an you
could slice it with a razor, it wouldnt matte r -- pe ople will always be pe ople .
And pe ople are unre liable .
ARCHIE
Thats a cynical way of looking at it.

52.

EMMA
No, not cynical. Not cynical at all, actually. Im a ve ry optimistic pe rson. But
I cant change human nature . Pe ople like to say that life is comple x and
be autiful. That inside e ve ry pe rson the re s an unlimite d capacity. But that is
a lie . The re s nothing comple x or myste rious about it.
ARCHIE
Oh no?
EMMA
No. Pe ople are e ithe r bad or good. At this point I dont think it matte rs what I
do. It only take s this much e ffort to be nice , and most pe ople would rathe r be
asshole s.
ARCHIE
I dont agre e with you.
EMMA
Why? Im not mad, but why?
ARCHIE
I think e ve ryone is good down in the ir marrow. I think most pe ople try to do
good. But its difficult to do good in a world whe re the worst qualitie s of
humanity se e m to be e ncourage d and re warde d.
EMMA
(Pause .)
That make s se nse . It make s a lot of se nse . Im re ally only talking about a
ce rtain pe rson he re . A ce rtain pe rson I know. Im. We ll. I got dumpe d. Im
talking about my e x. He s the asshole . Thats it. Thats out the re .
ARCHIE
Re ce ntly?

53.

EMMA
(Nods.)
It was te rrible . We said e ve ry single hurtful thing we could think of to e ach
othe r. And for what? Just so we could part ways at the e nd of it?
Re lationships are such a confuse d me ss of bullshit.
ARCHIE
Fuckin A.
EMMA
And of course he had to bre ak up with me on the same day I had a big
proposal due at work. I gue ss the re s re ally no right time to dump
some one , but... you know? Im just frustrate d by it all. Im frustrate d, and
tire d, and stre sse d, and I can already te ll Im going to have to wait an hour
for a drink, and the drink is going to be wate re d down and horribly
ove rprice d, and the re are so many pe ople in he re Im going to swe at faste r
than I can ge t drunk. What a shitty Thursday. Its be e n a shitty we e k ove rall.
Shitty month, shitty ye ar, just a shitty life in ge ne ral.
(Be at.)
Hi, Im Emma.
ARCHIE
Hi, Emma. Im Archie .
EMMA
Like Archie from the Jughe ad Gang?
ARCHIE
Sure .
EMMA
Ill be t you ge t that a lot.
ARCHIE
Not as ofte n as youd think, actually.

54.

EMMA
So if you dont mind me be ing nosy, whats the thing youd rathe r not say?
ARCHIE
Um... Id rathe r not say?
EMMA
Come on. Whats the harm?
ARCHIE
None , I suppose . I just.
EMMA
Okay, you dont have to te ll me . You dont have to te ll me .
ARCHIE
(Pause .)
I got dumpe d too.
EMMA
Ooo, e xciting. What was he r name ?
ARCHIE
Sara.
EMMA
Sounds like trouble .
ARCHIE
You have no ide a.
EMMA
Whe re is the barte nde r?
ARCHIE
Good luck.

55.

EMMA
Im going to orde r thre e drinks whe n I se e him. Okay, ke e p going.
ARCHIE
Ke e p going?
EMMA
You we re saying about Sara.
ARCHIE
Oh... yeah. I uh... was in Ne w Guine a last month.
EMMA
The country?
ARCHIE
Corre ct.
EMMA
Thats cool. For your job?
ARCHIE
Ye ah. Im an ornithologist.
EMMA
A who-in-the -what now?
ARCHIE
Ornithologist. Ornithology. I... Im a bird scie ntist, basically. I study birds.
EMMA
No kidding?
ARCHIE
Nope .

56.

EMMA
So how did that happe n? You woke up one day and de cide d, Im going to be
a bird scie ntist?
ARCHIE
Thats one way of saying it. Anothe r way of saying it is I woke up one day
and de cide d to disappoint my fathe r.
EMMA
You must like birds the n.
ARCHIE
Eve r since I was a kid. I me an, take a feathe r. Those things are miracle s of
e volution. Thousands upon thousands of tiny inte rlocking fibe rs, all pe rfe ctly
de signe d for lift and low drag. The y can fly, I mean, the y actually fly. If the y
dont like it in one place the y can just pick up and fly to the ne xt, comple te
fre e dom -- Im rambling.
EMMA
No, its re ally inte re sting.
ARCHIE
Thanks.
EMMA
What happe ne d in Ne w Guine a?
ARCHIE
Ye s, I was in Ne w Guine a and we ge t mail, I me an we re out the re in the rain
fore st, mile s away from anything. We re watching the se birds-of-paradise
for this re search grant. So we ge t mail once a we e k by plane , the re s like an
air drop. I ge t this le tte r from Sara -EMMA
The trouble make r.

57.

ARCHIE
Ye s. I ge t this le tte r from he r and it starts with, by the time you re ad this all
of my things will be move d out of our apartme nt. No he llo, no how are you?
I had only be e n the re two we e ks. I thought, she must have planne d it. She
planne d the whole thing in advance . She had this le tte r, she had e ve rything
to say alre ady. I was just... and the n she goe s on to list my faults in the re st
of the le tte r, like Im Charlie Brown or some thing. I know my faults. Im ve ry
aware . You dont ne e d to te ll me what Im lacking, what is that?
EMMA
Exactly.
ARCHIE
Thank you. And the n she had the ne rve to write no hard fe e lings in the post
script. So anyway. I got back and she was gone . Wont re turn my calls, so
that e xplains the Spa Collins, and um... we ll I got back just last we e k, and that
e xplains the shirt.
EMMA
I was hoping you would e xplain that shirt.
ARCHIE
Its an authe ntic, Tiki, Ne w Guine a we ave or some shit. I forge t. The guy
who sold it to me se e me d pre tty proud of it, so ye s.
EMMA
Whe re is she now? Sara.
ARCHIE
Living with he r ne w man in a cozy little two-be droom. The y signe d the le ase
shortly be fore I le ft town. So... che e rs.
ARCHIE take s a drink.
EMMA
I am nowhe re ne ar ge tting a drink.

58.

ARCHIE
Its true .
EMMA
He y, e xcuse me ? Barte nde r? He y! Shit. Could I have a drink of your Spa
Collins?
ARCHIE
Go for it.
EMMA
(Take s a drink.)
Good.
ARCHIE
Right?
EMMA
I um... you know, I unde rstand. Re lationships are hard. I just... we ll, mine is
kind of ove r as of tonight, actually.
ARCHIE
That sucks. Im sorry.
EMMA
No, its nothing like , I me an, its not as big of a deal as your thing. Its
complicate d.
ARCHIE
Ye p. Re lationships are complicate d all right. Confusing, painful, addictive .
The n be fore you know what e ve n happe ne d, the yre ove r.
EMMA
And the n what do you do? Life goe s on. What the he ll are you suppose d to
do?

59.

ARCHIE
Ye ah.
The y both sit in sile nce , looking sad.
ARCHIE
We dont have to be sad about it.
EMMA
We dont?
ARCHIE
No. Who says we have to fit into the history? We can fe e l howe ve r we want.
EMMA
Ye ah. Youre right!
ARCHIE
We re pe ople , we make mistake s. We re impe rfe ct.
EMMA
We hurt, we ble e d.
ARCHIE
We fe e l pain.
EMMA
We fe e l how frail we are .
ARCHIE
The impe rmane nce of things.
EMMA
We de se rve comfort.
ARCHIE
And unde rstanding.

60.

EMMA
Is that re ally so much to ask?
ARCHIE
No, not at all. Not at all.
The y share a mome nt, smile , the n bre ak e ye
contact.
ARCHIE
What kind of dre ss is that? I like the fabric on it.
EMMA
Youre drunk.
ARCHIE
I beat the rush.
EMMA
Want to go to a diffe re nt bar?
ARCHIE
Like toge the r?
EMMA
Im not going to ge t a drink for hours. But the re s a place around the block I
know. The Parliame nt? Its kind of a dive , but its always e mpty.
ARCHIE
Sure I know the Parliame nt. And I shall accompany you. Just le t me close
my tab... But Im warning you... Im not a pie ce of me at.
EMMA
I promise I wont touch you.
The y e xit toge the r. ARCHIE re turns to the
podium, te aching.

61.

ARCHIE
Okay, we ll, we re almost out of time he re . Se e ms like it would be a me rciful
e nd if we just... Huh? Que stion in the back?
(ARCHIE liste ns to the stude nt, be gins to nod.)
The birds-of-paradise . Ah, ye s. No, the yre not e xtinct. Thats corre ct. The y
survive d the same way all living things do: by adapting. The y notice d that
e ve ry time the y spre ad the ir wings to attract a mate the y would ge t an arrow
through the che st. So the y starte d to mate at an e arlie r age , be fore the ir
fe athe rs de ve lope d. And the y survive d. Again, it all come s down to timing.
Timing is important.
(Be at.)
This is e mbarrassing. I just re me mbe re d... I have a flight to catch. Class
dismisse d.
ARCHIE runs offstage .
SCENE 8.
The De parture Te rminal drive way at the airport.
EMMA e nte rs, lugging he r baggage .
SFX: Scre e ching tire s; angry car horn: A ne ar
accide nt. EMMA turns, startle d. ARCHIE e nte rs,
narrowly avoiding the ve hicle .
ARCHIE
Emma!
EMMA
(Turns.)
Archie ! What are you doing he re ?
ARCHIE
I saw you in the parking garage , but you didnt se e me . I had to se e you. I
had to stop you.

62.

EMMA
You dont have to do this.
ARCHIE
No, I do. Eve r since you le ft this morning Ive be e n thinking about us and
e ve rything we ve be e n through and I at le ast talke d myse lf into thinking it
was a good ide a, so ple ase just he ar me out.
EMMA
I re ally have to che ck-in. Im late .
ARCHIE
I know, but... look. Just dont go. Okay? Dont go. Just stay for anothe r
we e k.
EMMA
You know I cant.
ARCHIE
Sure you can. Exte nd your ticke t. Make othe r plans. Ill pay the diffe re nce .
Just stay.
EMMA
He s waiting for me .
ARCHIE
I know he is, but so am I. Just stay with me , Emma. Ple ase . Im so tire d of
be ing all alone out the re .
EMMA
Are nt you suppose d to be te aching a class?
ARCHIE
You dont want to do this. Youre giving up your whole life for some thing
youre not sure about. Just stop and conside r it.

63.

EMMA
I have conside re d it. Its all I think about anymore since I me t you. But I
cant. I cant just drop him and be with you. Its thre e ye ars of my life . You
dont just walk away from that. I have to do this, I have to se e it through. I
have to try and make it work.
ARCHIE
(Be at.)
Ple ase re conside r.
EMMA
Archie ... this is my life . I cant change it just like that.
ARCHIE
I dont know whats going on half the time . I jump into the showe r with my
socks on at le ast twice a we e k. Im hope le ss without you. Youre the only
pe rson I can talk to -- the only pe rson who unde rstands what a pathe tic
wre tch I am.
EMMA
Youre not.
ARCHIE
But I am. Im nothing without you.
EMMA
I ke e p waiting for you to hate me . Any re asonable pe rson would have had
nothing to do with me by now.
ARCHIE
Ive ne ve r be e n re asonable .
EMMA
(Be at.)
You have to le ave now. I have to go.

64.

ARCHIE
Emma, just wait -EMMA
I re ally have to go.
ARCHIE
Just talk to me -EMMA
Ple ase dont make me be me an to you so youll walk away, Archie . Do it on
your own.
ARCHIE
But -EMMA
If you love me , youll do it on your own. Be cause I ne ve r wante d to be me an
to you. I ne ve r meant to hurt you. Not once , e ve r.
ARCHIE
Oh, Emma. Im nuts ove r you. I try to find a rational e xplanation for it, but
the re isnt one . Youre like sunshine to me .
EMMA
Why do you have to make things so goddamn difficult!
(Long pause .)
I have to go.
ARCHIE nods. EMMA e xits.
ARCHIE sulks. Afte r a pause , EMMA come s
running back, drops he r bags, and kisse s him
passionate ly. She force s he rse lf to bre ak away,
re gains he r composure .

65.

EMMA e xits. BLACKOUT. The sound of a plane

taking off.
SCENE 9.
ARCHIE re turns home , de pre sse d. He take s his
jacke t off and throws it on his be d. He notice s the
LETTER for the first time . He picks it up and
studie s it; sits down on the be d and ope ns it.
EMMA appe ars in a se parate light, reading the
conte nts of the le tte r.
EMMA
De ar Archie . By the time you re ad this, Ill be sitting in a plane , mile s above
and away from you. I hone stly dont know if Im going to the right place or if
Im going to like it whe n I ge t the re . I just know its some thing I have to do.
We ke e p moving and changing whe the r we like it or not. Im alre ady missing
you. I shouldnt say that, but its true . Maybe some day whe n the se asons
change we ll figure out what the he ll we we re trying to do with e ach othe r.
Isnt that how it always works? You kill yourse lf ove r some one , the n one day
you wake up and e ve rythings okay.
(Be at. The bird songs re turn and unde rscore
EMMA.)
Your love is so good it scare s the shit out of me some time s. Im sorry I
couldnt be the pe rson you wante d me to be . Im sorry nothing in this world
is what it se e ms. Whe n youre hurt, I fe e l it too, e ve n from way up he re . So
le ts be hurt toge the r and hope fully the pain will cle anse some of the
rotte nne ss from our live s. For now I have to fly away.
(Small pause .)
Take care of yourse lf. Your frie nd, Emma.
ARCHIE puts the le tte r away. He walks ove r to
his window, close to whe re EMMA is standing,
and close s his e ye s, taking in the bird songs.
EMMA looks at him longingly. Lights fade to
black. END OF PLAY.