OIL IS WELL...

Sometimes, people ask me - for no reason. What do you think of the oil crisis?
I say there is no crisis. Why should there be? They walk away, as they normally
do after talking to me.
But I REALLY think there is no crisis, because we have paid too much of attentio
n to just one type of oil.
The world would have been a better place if we had paid a little more attention
to other types of oils.
Say, coconut oil, to begin with?
Coconut
timent,
pt this
does in

oil is used for strong hair. You must have seen ads that reflect the sen
where a stuck truck is pulled out by a lady with oily hair. Do not attem
at home. The lady might drag you down a slippery slope, as she normally
an argument.

Coconut oil is also widely used in a wide variety of cuisine - Thai, Malay, Indo
nesian, Singaporian (though they are all different names for the same cuisine) a
nd yes, well, cuisine from Goa, Kerala and places where they can't play cricket
and theresfore started playing football. The preparations are easy. All that the
chef does is dip his (pardon the gender bias, since most chefs are males) head
in a pot of hot water, and you have the base for most preparations. No need to w
orry if you find hair in such food - they have been personally passed by the che
f.
In fact, Aaj Tak (sab se tez - the fastest and the 'wrongest') reportedly report
ed a girl who took oily cuisine too seriously. Finally a 6 inch diameter ball of
hair was removed from her stomach by surgery. "It was quite a hairy sight", sai
d one of the surgeons. They discovered different flavours of coconut oil in the
ball - Jasmine, Rose, Vinegar, earwax and even plain vanilla tender coconut. She
also seems to have had hair laced with Thanda-Thanda cool-cool Navaratan oil fo
r dessert.
Coconut oil is a cure for lice. Lice, as you know, make quite a lousy pet. They
make you scratch your head for solutions. Not such a big problem at a place like
TRDDC, where most people are scratching their heads. 1% pretending to think, 39
% trully confused, and the rest doing it because it is one of the things that s
eem fashionable to do in TRDDC. But in a normal place, scratching could be an em
barassment.
The good news is that the lice find coconut oil to be quite a slippery customer.
It seems to give them no head-room. Most of them are left hanging by a hair. Th
e same coconut oil can be used for many types of lice! Did you know that there a
re several types of lice? They have evolved to suit their environment. There are
lice for straight hair also called the expressway lice (you might have accident
ally come across them), for curly hair called the z-bridge lice, even for dense
labyrinthine hair called the budhwar peth lice. They just tend to get lost. Then
there are 'metro lice' which only thrive under cover. Himmesh Reshammiya knows.
Not nose. Well, that too. I will refuse to be surprised if there is an undiscov
ered variety of invisible lice which are specially adapted for bald heads. But,
use coconut oil and they would be out of your sight - again.
The largest source of Coconut oil is not coconuts but blue bottles. Most of them
are labelled parachute for some unknown reason. Some people have tried using a
coconut oil bottle as a parachute while sky-diving, following the clear instruct
ions on the bottle - 'PARACHUTE - twist head to open'. They were found with twis
ted heads in the end, though unfortunately, none of them succeeded to tell us th

e tales. But then, if you are in the habit of not succeeding in the first attemp
t, sky-diving is not the sport for you. Try angry birds or go to England so that
you can keep playing despite crashing hard.
Of course, you need to consider the fact that in all these cases, the bottles we
re found unopened. So, blame it not on the ineffectiveness of coconut oil, but t
he inappropriate design of the bottles that makes it hard to open them while sky
-diving. Maybe they can provide openers. But then, openers around these days are
not entirely dependable. What did Sehwag do yesterday?.... Huh. Most problems a
re more difficult than they are imagined to be.
Hey, but that does not mean there is crisis. In fact, for the last five to seven
minutes, we paid more attention to coconut oil rather than that other type of o
il, and we did not think of any crisis.
And that's why, I believe that coconut oil is the hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Especially if you use it to light lamps or something.
And that's why, I also believe, humorous speech comeptitions are held. So that w
e can talk about utter nonsense, truly believe that there are no crises in the w
orld, don our Amir Khan persona, tap our chests and say 'oil izz well', 'oil izz
well', 'oil izz well'....