Carolina Navarro

Period: 3
Change itself was always quite scary and in more ways than I could count, I always
thought change was simple, yet manageable. Change in many ways was the two stepsisters, the
troll under the bridge, or the dragon in the castle that was holding me back from achieving many
goals. For once, I was forced to change a constant in my life, school. School was the comforting
warm hug I received, it was a friend, it was an ally. But it soon became the swirling tornado
awaiting my presence to initiate the endless wear and tear of my strength. Transferring the
regular pleasant embrace of one school to go to the rigid cold abuse of another was something I
did not realise was possible. The loneliness of being the new girl started to become a long and
distant feeling that would be well missed for the rest of the first school year at my new torture
chamber. Soon I became the target of something that would mold me into the way I am. I
happened to be the victim of the endless name calling, endless physical and emotional ache and
endless tears streaming down my face while I sobbed alone with no one to turn to. I was shown
in full display of how many imperfections I had and for the first time in my whole life, I was
showing symptoms of insecurity.
After a series of stressful and harmful events, my happiness, my strength, and my esteem
came to an all time low. Every year that passed, so did someone important to me. Over and over
again I dealt with mental and emotional hurt that life itself threw at me, waiting for me catch
every curve ball. On a daily basis I was tested on how well I could handle anguish and despair.
The amount of tournament I faced was beyond the physical, tiptoed into mental, infected the
social as well as the emotional parts of me. Throughout the course of 4 years, I had fallen into a
deep hole that held flecks of light that seemed to be hope, to only to disappear into complete
darkness. I was absorbed into the sponge of obscurity and insecurity. The constant excuse of
being tired turned into a regularity in my life because I did not know how to shake it away,
shake that feeling away. Dozens of hours were spent on doing everything and anything else for
the simple benefit of not thinking. Those hours of not thinking pushed me into aa robotic sense
of mind which took over my human conscious and I was no longer me.
I was consumed, eaten and destroyed by this being who did not care about who I was or
my state of mind. I didnt know how I was going to cooperate with that ghostly feel in my life, I
actually did not realize that this pneuma was a part of my life, but regardless, it haunted me.
Many sleepless nights were spent thinking if I was good enough, tolerable or worthy of
happiness. For 4 years this presence crawled behind me, lurking and judging my every
movement. It had a tight grip on my throat, almost killing me, laughing and spitting at my face
while I struggled to breathe. My desperation for my will to live decreased faster and faster. This
company that was beside me influenced my life greatly. For years I had now seen the world in its
cruelest ways and when I thought I couldnt trust anymore, it was there. For some reason it was
hard to let go. For some reason I couldnt let go, but I was finally able to do so. Some feelings I

am unable to shake away, but those feelings I can add to my resum of pain. I dealt with it for as
long as I could. I tried my best to cooperate, to communicate and express myself with it for so
long that I could no longer hold myself to its expectations. I was an aching human. A human who
was just wishing to not be a transparent wallflower anymore, to not be the defect in society that
was deeply engraved in my mind that I was.
My dear, bitter-sweet depression, this I write to you. I will no longer tolerate your hate. I
will no longer tolerate your methods of torture and the way you manipulated my every moment
using me as a puppet. I will no longer be the girl who wouldnt eat for days because she felt she
was not fitting in the standards of society. I will no longer let you push me to the floor and hit me
with every flaw I own. You will no longer stop me from achieving the happiness that I now
know I deserve. You do not control my thoughts or my actions or my sociability. Therefore, I
will not be in your hands waiting for you to tell me how I should feel and how my perspective on
my life should be. I will no longer let you exploit my natural being, in ways that I did not know
were possible. I, Carolina Navarro, no longer belong to you. I do not belong in your dungeon
hatred and misery. I will not live in unhealthy mental and emotional conditions that you used to
serve for me to eat. I am not under your authority or care. I will break the chain with the weight
of the constant distress I felt for 365 days for 4 to 5 years. I will be self-sufficient. I will love
every inch, bump, and curve of my body and I will defy the cookie cutout shape society tells me
to be. I will rebel against any form of oppression you present to me, no matter how flattering and
appealing it may appear. I will be the best version of me without your constant negative input of
my actions. I will be better without your constant need to feed off every last drop of my
happiness. It was an unfortunate time to live with you, but thank you for teaching me life lessons.
Thank you for showing me the worst and the cruel because I can now see the best of things.
Thank you, depression, for your time.