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written by
Mebulous Bemulous
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ACT 1
ABOARD THE USS SPARROW, HEAVY MINING SHIP CLASS TR8 ONE DAY
OUT FROM THE ASTEROID BELT PAST KEPLAR 7.
Capt. Shepard looks over the G-wave hologram observing the
position of the ship. Capt. Shepard toggles the COM and
starts to speak to the ship's android, Minar42.
CAPT. SHEPARD
Hey tin can, we're approaching the
god forsaken piece of rock we're
supposed to make a living out of.
Maybe i can finally get the missus
those fancy undergarments.
The intercom hisses and squeals, Capt. Shepard thumps the COM
against the hull, muttering obscenities under his breath.
MINAR42
I looked over the meteor readings
and the odds of you obtaining
anything other than tighty whities
is as likely as me getting a
sexbot. Anyway, I'll ready the
machinery.
Capt. Shepard looks up and rolls his eyes, frustrated at
minar42's lack of sympathy. He mutters to himself...
CAPT. SHEPARD
Yeah, at least I got a real
wackadoodle.
EXT. THE USS SPARROW CRUISING IN SPACE, A GLINT IN THE
DISTANCE SPARKLING OFF THE METEOR BELT. THE HULL OF THE USS
SPARROW IS BISECTED IN THE MIDDLE, WE SEE THE MAIN BEAM OF
THE QUARK BORE ATTACHED TO THE COMMAND MODULE. THE HULL IS
SCARRED AND PATCHED, A TESTAMENT TO THE TRAVAILS AND
ADVENTURES OF THE USS SPARROW. THE FUSION ENGINES COME INTO
VIEW, BLUE FLAMES A MILE LONG TRAIL BEHIND THE SHIP.
CUT TO:
CAPT. SHEPARD RETIRES TO THE HOLODECK, POPPING AN
ASTROSCHLITZ MALT. HE QUEUES UP THE HAREM SIMULATOR, SETTLING
IN FOR SOME R&R.
CUT TO:

2.
Minar42 shaking a slightly drunk and heavily hungover Capt.
Shepard.
MINAR42
Wake up you over-inebriated,
underpaid son of a bitch. Seriously
even Odin didn't drink this much.
We're here.
Capt. Shepard looks groggily at Minar42, red eyes bulging out
of their sockets.
CAPT. SHEPARD
I"m up.I'm up. You can stop the
dammed shaking. Everything ready?
MINAR42
Do you even have to ask?
Capt. Shepard stand up, grasping the handles on the interior
for stability. He trudges out of the holodeck, heading for
the command module. He settles into the captains chair,
punching release buttons and silencing warning klaxons.
Engineer Artemis looks over at Capt. Shepard with worry
plainly written across his face.
ENG. ARTEMIS
You going to fuck this up?
CAPT. SHEPARD
Have i ever let you down
sweetheart?
ENG. ARTEMIS
Have you forgotten Betelgeuse and
Antares and Europa?
CAPT. SHEPARD
God dammit, can't you let anything
go? I made it right, I swear you're
worse than my wife. Nag nag nag...
Capt. Shepard toggles the Quark Bore, bringing power online
to start boring the shaft that will serve as living quarters.
Warning klaxons yelp and he jams his fists against the
control panel, angrily silencing the alarms. He brings his
hands to his head, in obvious hungover pain.
CAPT. SHEPARD (CONTD)
Arty, we got power conduit problems
here or what?

3.
ENG. ARTEMIS
Negative, I checked them myself,
power is nominal.
MINAR42
Something is interfering with the
quark generator.
CAPT. SHEPARD
Well that don't make a damn bit of
sense, you get your diodes recalibrated?
MINAR42
My diodes are perfect. The last
service I had was from BioSynth.
The crew pauses for a beat, looking at each-other and then
stare at the command screen, looking at the asteroid they are
attached to.
CAPT. SHEPARD
What in the blue blazes could
interfere with quark generation?
Damn thing can cut a planet in
half.
ENG. ARTEMIS
The only likely explanation is
tachyons.
CAPT. SHEPARD
Tachyons? What the hell is that?
ENG. ARTEMIS
Hypothetical particles that travel
faster than light, not that I'd
expect your degenerate ass to know
it. What do they teach you in those
earth hell holes you call schools?
CAPT. SHEPARD
Well, I know we are hypothetically
screwed if we don't bring this baby
back to headquarters.
MINAR42
They don't make sensors capable of
detecting hypothetical particles.
CAPT. SHEPARD
Well we gotta find out what the
hell is going on. Any bright ideas?

4.
ENG. ARTEMIS
If this is a tachyon field the
source has to be fairly close or
the tachyons would just decay. My
guess is something on this asteriod
here is causing all this.
CAPT. SHEPARD
Well that settles it. Minar42 ready
the shuttle. We are gonna check
this sonovabitch out.