I enjoyed my stay with GP. What is not to enjoy?

Beautiful place, Ganga snana every

day. He is also very strong in his bhajan, stronger perhaps than I have seen in quite
a while. Now I am back in Birnagar and a bit deflated, though here I get to speak. I
gave Chaitanya Charitamrita class yesterday to a bunch of sleepy locals. But I think
I enjoy speaking more in Bengali than in English, like Gadadhar Pran also.
I think often about you and also think about writing, mostly because I want to have
someone to whom I can reveal myself more honestly than you can with most
people, even friends. GP is very self-absorbed and not very empathetic in many
ways, though at the end he came around a bit. I can sympathize with your irritation
at his macho attitude. There is a lot to be said about it and if I decided to do some
kind of analysis it probably would not look good. However, I see the intensity of his
sadhana, which to me counts for more than nearly everything else. I also think that
when you are a friend you are in it for the long haul and you try to push gently.
It seems though that I did not follow my own advice with you. Looking back on our
story, I really find very little to admire in myself. Now of course there is no going
back or starting over, nor is there any hope that there will be any new beginnings.
Nor, to be quite honest, am I hoping for such a thing. After all, if it was not meant to
be, there were solid reasons for that. Clearly good sex is not the only thing that is
required in a relationship, even though (as I always thought) it is the icing on the
cake of love.
GP is not a believer in "love in this world." He often complains that his mother never
loved him, that he was picked on in school, that he seems to have attracted
negative feelings or indifference from everyone he cared about. He even showed
me a picture of Prabhupada whom he met in Vrindavan in 1972. In the picture he is
looking at Prabhupada with the loving gaze of a new disciple, but as he shows it he
calls your attention to what he sees as Prabhupada's indifference. "Prabhupada did
not care about me because he was preoccupied by his big leaders. He paid
attention to them and must have seen that I was never going to be that kind of
administrative leader."
His mother _did_ leave him when he was a baby and did not respond, years later, to
attempts at reconnecting. He has flaws, but I like to see the good in people,
especially those God has thrust into my life. And there is plenty of positive to say.
Nearly everyone has negatives, and I also see those negatives, but I pray for the
positives to be enhanced.
Why do I still hang on to your memory and become absorbed in thinking of making
love to you, or more accurately remember the _state_ of being in love with you,
floating in it like I was floating in the current of the Ganga? It is more than an
intellectual decision, even though that is there also. I believe that the logical
extension of Sahajiyaism is to remain faithful, even when everything else is gone. It
seems to be the teaching of the Bhagavatam the person goes, the love remains.

Krishna is present in the love that remains, and the person, the ostensible object of
love, fades except as a prop for the feeling.
I would be afraid to try to recommence a relation, if you somehow changed your
thinking about me. In my mind I have distilled the purest moments of our love and
packaged them into a supreme state worthy of meditation, which frankly gives me
feelings of ecstasy. My faith is that such a thing could be reproduced or enhanced,
just like the gopis believed that Krishna could be brought back to Vrindavan, but
Time is not so kind. That is just being realistic.
So, just like the Sahajiya principle of engaging desire without succumbing to it, I
absorb myself in my hankering for your love and the memory of your love, but
without attaching myself to any expectation. Our human flaws, our incapacity for
change, made it impossible. So this is really how Sahajiyaism works. It reveals the
essence of love as well as its impossibility anywhere but in the mind, with any
person other than God.