Personal Change Report

Overview

Unwanted Communication Pattern

My unwanted communication pattern was a general lack of empathy for others. Typically,
this would take the form of me being intensely disinterested in what they were saying or doing.
For example, if one of my sisters was talking to me, no matter what the topic or what she was
saying, I would reply thats nice; go away, in an effort to get them to leave me alone. I
wouldnt listen to what they said, and I cant recall anything anyone said while I was doing this.
I used a variant of the same strategy on my mother when she said things I didnt want to
hear, or was talking to me when I didnt want to be disturbed. Typically I would avoid eye
contact, nod, and say something along the lines of uh-huh, then forget what she said, or not do
what she had asked me to, or both. Other times, I would give her the weirdest, creepiest stare I
could, so she would forget what she wanted to say, and leave.
This had the negative side effect of making me appear to be unskilled socially, according
to Beebe, Beebe, and Redmond (2014, p. 112). My family definitely considered me socially
inept, and treated me accordingly. I hated that.
Strategies
To resolve the situation, I implemented three strategies from the textbook, which I
thought would be helpful in resolving my problem.

The first strategy I settled on was not interrupting (Beebe, 2014, p. 144). Usually, when
someone was talking to me and I didnt want to interact with them, I would jump in to finish
their sentence, or to admonish them to get to the point already and go away so I could get back to
what I was doing at the time. This sent a strong message that I didnt care about what the person
was saying, only that they would get it out and get done so I could get back to my thing (Beebe,
2014, p. 144). By not trying to shut down the conversation, I expected to do away with making
people feel like I was just trying to get rid of them.
My second strategy was to respond with a brief nod or sound, to let them know that I was
listening (Beebe, 2014, p. 145). To do this strategy right, it required me to actually listen, so I
could respond at the right time, so as to not look as if I were trying to hurry the speaker along.
Too many nods, and I would look impatient, but with too few I would appear distracted, as if I
were not really listening. By nodding and making noise at the correct frequency, I hoped to show
the other person that I was actually listening to them, and interested in what they were saying.
Furthermore, this strategy would, if done correctly, dispel any appearance that I was
daydreaming while the other party talked to me. By practicing active listening in this way, I
hoped to be engaged in the conversation (Beebe, 2014, p. 145), and appear more socially skilled
(Beebe, 2014, p. 112).
My third strategy was to clearly express that I wanted to provide support (Beebe, 2014, p.
146). By explicitly expressing my desire to empathize with the other party, I hoped to be able to
clear up any misconceptions that might arise from my use of the two preceding strategies. I
expected such misunderstandings to arise, since I am not usually a subtle person, and those
strategies seemed subtle, compared to what Im used to. I hoped that, by openly expressing my

sincerity, I could counter any suspicions that I was faking empathy to get the other person to go
away.
Constraints
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to empathize with people when one is busy actively
avoiding them. Avoiding people has been a habit throughout my life, largely because I prefer
spending time by myself, and people are weird. Furthermore, I usually avoid getting involved in
other peoples problems, since they arent any of my business anyway.
As if that werent enough, it was a relatively peaceful time for my family. My sisters
didnt fight nearly as much as I expected. Everything seemed to go right for the major portion of
the test period, and everyone was happy.
Implementation
Thankfully, my grandparents were in town, so I still got a chance to empathize with them.
Since they live out of an RV, my grandparents have lots of interesting problems to talk about,
ranging from mechanical problems to this states idiotic drivers.
Mindless, knuckle-dragging drivers gave me a chance to actually empathize, since I have
to share the roads with the idiots in this state. Grandpa was telling me about an idiot in a pickup
truck who tried to pass him on the right by driving up on an embankment, and I had no problem
responding with sounds (Beebe, 2014, p. 145), mostly along the lines of No way! as even my
cynical mind had trouble believing that someone could be such an absolute mindless idiot. He
definitely responded positively to that, and I had no difficulty in sharing his incredulity and
general disbelief at how stupid people are.

Not interrupting (Beebe, 2014, p. 144) served me well, and required the least effort, since
I didnt have to actually say anything. I used this strategy the most, again, because it was the
most universal, and easiest to implement. This strategy allowed me to survive a discussion about
the election, which at the time had yet to occur. I managed to get through it by letting my pastor
do all the talking. It helped that I agreed with him.
Unfortunately, my attempts to express my desire to provide support failed miserably. This
was due in part to the fact that everything was going well for my family, and partly because my
other two strategies worked well. I adopted this strategy primarily as a backup, which I expected
to use at least once. The one time I did try it was when it was not really necessary, by asking my
brother to complain about work so I can empathize with you. It didnt work, but at least he
didnt get mad at me. This strategy was a definite fail.
Results
My efforts seemed to be fairly successful, insofar as people seemed more open when I
was employing these strategies. Nobody ever said I was more empathetic, but the sense I got
from them was that they were more willing to talk to me, and they didnt seem to think I was
faking.
The main reason for my success, I think was that not interrupting, by far the most
successful strategy, centered around keeping my big mouth shut (Beebe, 2014, p.144), so I
couldnt say disconfirming things. Im not sure if that counts as solving the problem, or just
hiding it, but it worked.
Responding with nods and noises worked for much the same reason as not interrupting, I
think, because I can nod and make mm-hmm noises (Beebe, 2014, p.145) without opening my

mouth. Everything seemed to go fine, as long as I kept my mouth shut, or limited myself to
empathetic monosyllables.
I think the main reason that my attempt to express a desire to empathize with my brother
was such a catastrophe is that he was in a good mood and didnt need emotional support. At least
I learned that one cant force empathy on other people. Told you Im not subtle.
Recommendations
Given the success of these strategies (Beebe, 2014, p.144-146), I think that I will
continue to employ them, in hopes of reversing the socially inept image that I have cultivated
through previous behavior patterns (Beebe, 2014, p.112). Furthermore, I will make an effort to
use more empathetic phrasing, that is less blunt, and doesnt try to fix the other persons problem
(Beebe, 2014, p.147), in hopes that this will reduce the need to keep my mouth shut.
Works Cited:
Beebe, S. A., Beebe, S. J., & Redmond, M. V. (2014). Interpersonal communication: Relating to
others 7th ed. Boston: Pearson.