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(in no particular order…)
1994 On My Way Home You are so warm and real Unlike when I had to close my eyes To bring you closer to me I have seen places people dream of And I've touched and felt things That people sell their souls for But nothing compares to you Not the warm pulse of the Camden Nor the cool breeze of the Hudson Or that crystal god-like Erie Can match what I feel looking at your warm sleeping face Your hand wrapped so perfectly into mine Sealing my divine contribution I look at you with unbearable love Impossible commitment and Total sacrifice And I don't ever want to have to dream again To make you real
1994 And You I so often want to reach out and touch you Like I know you You rescued me twice Fed me a breath of life Simply by what you gave me I forgive your stumbling And admit my careless understanding But I know before YHWH That if I had another life I would deal with it more preciously Except for its two constants Only you could produce Thank you so much for our Seer And my Jewel of the Nile And you
August ’97 111 & 4th – NY.NY Think of that quaint loft often And how you filled it that October As we sat in her window Looking down on an endless stream of lights That both of us vowed would never touch us I felt secure as I loved you that night And as I reclaimed your eyes With everything that makes it shine Read all your letters once again Almost as if I deserved only thoughts of penance I must have lit a million candles in my head Since that fateful August day I only now understand that it’s the painful things that time heal While the curse, it seems, is the warmth I can’t forget Xian, I believe, could so easily have had The Turtle bear the Yin-Yang instead of the World But it couldn’t Because, for just one moment, There was no other way…
30 November 1993 Infantile Seer I You the apple, the centre of my light My brave warrior Seer I wish I could match your timeless patience And unconditional love Like some ancient truth you gave me back my life By your very existence And as your namesake and more You compensated I remember so much comfort in your voice And those three letters stuck to a crate I can still hear your tiny voice pulse out each question and answer Till you lay with that curly head stuck to my chest That brown cot and those pots And those lids Always pointed like some beacon to your island Where you’d sit for hours just thinking your thoughts I look at you now as I looked at you then With so much love and respect And when I came so close to losing you You spoke to me in my waking moments And in my sleep And like an angel you insisted I never give up And like the seer you are You where right again
Infantile Seer II You, the apple The centre of my light Brave warrior Seer How you kept me focused Even when you were jolted from my side With a strength so well beyond your years I still need to understand And when God gave you back to me I took your eyes and your smile And carefully handed it back to Him As I promised I would and, As He promised, never to let it happen again And as I watch time carefully move us away from it all I so often have to pause And look at you To realize just how much He meant it - like I did When my hollow heart, and swollen eyes Were all I could offer Him You will always shine like His light in me Consume my thoughts And make loving so worthwhile My apple The center of my light My brave warrior Seer
02 December 2000 Infantile Seer III You, the apple The centre of my light Brave warrior Seer All I have left in me know is a prayer So typical of someone raped of all choice In this dull and cold place I never dreamed that your Faustian choice Would hurt as much Or your time alone, away Would dull the Seer in you And here I am again, so close to losing you No longer to some tangible That I could physically restrain and destroy But rather some disembodied, odourus, pungent intangible Please speak to me in my waking moments And in my sleep And let me help you smile again I still look at you now as I looked at you then With so much love and hope You will always shine like His light in me Consume my thoughts And make loving worthwhile My apple The centre of my light My brave warrior Seer
23 June 2009 Infantile Seer IV You the apple, the center of my light My brave warrior Seer I remember how you voice comforted me I remember when God gave you back to me and how I carefully handed you back to Him I remember how your Faustian choice broke the will in me to carry on And when I came so close to losing you again You spoke to me in my waking moments And in my sleep And like an angel you insisted I never give up And like the seer you are You where right again
Mickey I saw you so clearly in the shadows With the blossoms and the mangroves And your warm tones And when I least expected You came along and made me take A sudden leap of faith Like something spiralling Meaningfully upward You, quietly and deliberately, forced away the moonlight And let in only yourself Just like I always dreamt it would be… And then, you left as well… In your famous victim blue raincoat
12 August 1998
So here’s to the appellation you’ve callously wrapped around my neck: “If you want a lover, I’ll do anything you ask me to. And if you want another kind of lover, I’ll wear a mask for you. If you want a partner, take my hand. Or if you want to strike me down in anger, here I stand. I‘m your man.”
04 February 1994
A Letter for You Dad Daddy I'm dead in my centre since you left I felt so strong and assured on that day That your lifeless body Drew us together I sat in your room While you lay in a box In the room that you lived in and Breathed in and Made me feel strong in I miss you so much And my mother’s tears and your wife’s broken heart Seems to break more and more as your memory fights back And when I looked at my son on that cold lifeless day I saw through his eyes what my dead body could do while my daughter, your flower, only saw angels flying and God softly speaking and Jesus and mommy and everything clearly except for that cold lifeless box In your room Then they took you away. But I held on like only your strength would allow me But it pains even more now that time tries to heal And when mommy asked me to hold on by looking I knew, like my son and my brothers and mother, that nothing as lifeless and cold as that box in your room would deny me my memory of you on that warm Sunday morning when you looked like I know you and spoke like I hear you and laughed like we still laugh around that square table each Sunday forever Last Sunday I sat with your wife and my mother And both of us cried in our hearts as our eyes let us down as we spoke of your right to have been at that table with us Not some hole in the earth You see dad it's alright now, I think, because Jade knew to tell me that one day When Jesus, runs out of people to go home to see Him He'll find it in His heart to “bring” us to you
31 August 1988
DOG Through what we give to life We try to find that one small optimism That would help us free ourselves From ourselves And in so doing, if possible, Help to assess and Judge Him
This is for you Mac…
27 August 1992 For Seth and Jade I have to keep those stars flowing from your eyes I vow never to compromise your faith and trust in me All I need the two of you to know is that I really need your love to keep me strong I only believe in your love I only trust your love Wherever we go in time However we reach that place I promise I will need nobody else but the two of you I will do anything for the two of you Give up my share of eternity just to be with the your laughing, smiles, sadness, warmth, trust, fears, ... I want us to simply fly away from everyone But I'm bound by the pain that would bind the two of you to your womb I feel we have been chained to our freedom But I'll do it for the two of you
1993 yIN yANG It feels like shades of something When I look into your beads of light I grow reluctantly as I confuse your warmth I have never known how to submit with pride Until I met your proud submission You rattle without shaking While my fears turn you on You are so ambiguously needed You siphon even while you refill I see my cloud And my silver lining
27 September 1992 Nerak You see these are the lies and the shades of truth I am sure you shelter a part of a fallen creature in that heart of yours Even when you touch on the truth I feel that hidden numbness inside you filter through While all you conjure up is you And for you and by you and to you Your claim to love is as self-centred as a junky living it up to die You You You You You You You You live the lie cast the shadow promise clear skies and then rain look at status and not the heart look at a husband not a friend look at children not an extension of your love look at a house and not a home look through me and never at me
Most times you don't even look at all
As a South African in the early 1980’s I would have been imprisoned had I insisted on being at my son Seth’s birth. This broke my heart immeasurably. Jade, my eldest daughter, was born just after the Mixed Marriages Act was repealed allowing me to share the experience of her birth and in many ways, purging me of much of the bitterness. At a conscious level I wrote these words for Jade but somewhere woven into them was the hope that my country’s liberation would happen for the sake of Seth, Jade and now Jessica and Simon. It happened in my lifetime. 15 October 1992
When I saw you force your way into this world I grew a million times My mind thought clearer My heart beat stronger My love was perfected Every day I watch you grow into this wonderful person I only have to look into your eyes And listen to that violin-like voice To know I love you Your little body houses a legion of privileged angels Who frantically rush around to help you laugh and talk and see and love But only you can say "Daddy I love you" the way you do I love you more each day girl I love you when the rain comes and the sun shines I love you when the tears flow and when there's Laughter in your heart I love you when you touch me with those tiny hands I love you when you sleep and your soft breathing Heats my skin I love you when you dream and share it with me and the night I even love you when I love you
1991 Tin Man Winter is much colder this year Even the poplar has broken her yellow-green promise Heat from old rays glow in this darkness So damned empty Take many years and think it away Sprawl through suburbia with the mask of an experience And confidently wallow in gullible eyes Was I as strong to recreate matter from words and thought I would conjure up peace as well Or maybe some frightening truth ... A spectres shadow This open silence only bedevils Its poles shift constantly Colliding, convenient guilt Ultimately it's easier to give up than fight.
Triad Whatever happened to the simple One plus One An imploded paradigm A total miscalculation I concede. I have tried to quantify the impossible I do not have that capacity... I have a greater capacity To shift a paradigm to a One plus One plus One
27 November 1993 The Fine Art of Wine Two heads and a GRAND piano One severed at the chin The other faceless It's the palm I think That sees But outside It's warm and quiet And inside... Even warmer and quieter This is for you Trix…
10 August 1992 Little Wing There are shadows on this hill So many dark rimmed clouds But the sun must be out there somewhere Please don't let me sleep before the clouds dissipate You need a house on a hill With a stream and a bird You need to sacrifice For the world and love's sake You need to be free From love to find love You need to find what you have Away from what you have No one has ever touched me quite the way you have `Little Wing’ please don't fly away...
11 February 2002 The Chad If you’ve ever looked into a storm You’ve seen my baby Only scarred by life’s choice… She keeps tearing around As she chooses to scatter her warmth In sequences and colours And variegated self
Only because they can’t And simply because… she can If you’ve ever tried touching a cloud You’ve touched my girl Only real by her choice As she floods everything in quite tones and jarred contrasts And ever insisting self Only because they can’t And simply because… she can If you’ve ever tried seeing an angel You’ve seen my baby Always healing by her choice As she clears out the clowns… Ever cautious and deliberate… And with usual flare… Only because they can’t And simply because… she chooses to
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