Paper3-RacistMascotsinSportsElijahSchaunaman.

docx
by Elijah Schaunaman

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PAPER3-RACIST MASCOT SINSPORT S-ELIJAHSCHAUNAMAN.DOCX

(9.39K)

T IME SUBMIT T ED

27-NOV-2016 11:49PM

WORD COUNT

1676

SUBMISSION ID

743353123

CHARACT ER COUNT

8181

WC

but

On one hand

named above

The

because the authors considered them racist.

Cit e Paraphrase

focused
3

No ","
Awk.

No ","
Awk.
4

by

and by
No commas here. Commas make it hard to see
that Utt was one author and the other article was
written by a team of two authors.

5
6

No ","
Para. #

students
At t ribut ion
Para. #

No ","

That's very likely.

7

C/S

At t ribut ion
No ","
At t ribut ion

Para. #

At t ribut ion

Craig Calcaterra's

At t ribut ion
12

Awk.

o
f
t At t ribut ion
h
e
m
11
a
s
c
o
t
i
s
13

14

WC
15

16
Cit at ion Needed

17

18
Awk.

Cit at ion Needed

Missing ":"

19

C/S
No ","

It's pretty hard to see where you're going in

these last two paragraphs.the number

21
22

No ","

entire

racist

Your conclusion is really strong! Unfortunately, it's

also the first time that this argument has been clear,
so it's almost too little too late.

ABC

23

Which of these
would you
consider your
scholarly
sources? Did
you find any of
them on Google
Scholar or the
library
databases?

Paper3-RacistMascotsinSports-ElijahSchaunaman.docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

SIMILARIT Y INDEX

2%

0%

1%

INT ERNET SOURCES

PUBLICAT IONS

ST UDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

1
2
3

1%

www.mentalfloss.com
Int ernet Source

Submitted to South Dakota Board of Regents

St udent Paper

1%

tcenews.calendow.org
Int ernet Source

EXCLUDE QUOT ES

OFF

EXCLUDE
BIBLIOGRAPHY

ON

1%

EXCLUDE MAT CHES

OFF

Paper3-RacistMascotsinSports-ElijahSchaunaman.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/100

Instructor
Elijah,

On one hand, I love many f eatures of this paper.

T he intro and conclusion (especially the conclusion)
are strong! T he review of opinions is awesome
(aside f or some missing citations and the lack of
connection to your thesis). You also have really
f ascinating inf ormation. All of this is a pleasure f or
me to see and read!

However, there are some f eatures that just don't

contribute to that strength. In f act, these weak
areas are weak enough to pull down the quality of
the overall paper.

T he biggest concern I have here is that the body of

your paper seems less like a strong argument and
more like a series of paragraphs with lots of
inf ormation. Here is where strong topic sentences
that connect back to the thesis would really help.

My other concern is that your thesis seems to shif t

a little or, at least, become much clearer f rom the
beginning to the end. Ultimately, your argument
seems to be that yes, there are some racist
mascots, but the huge ef f ort involved in changing a
mascot would be too much, so you don't see these
mascots changing any time soon. With that in mind,
do you see how your could rearrange your
ideas/paragraphs into two sections? First, include
the inf ormation that suggests these mascots can be
seen as racist (you might even be able to have a
naysayer paragraph in there). Second include the
inf ormation/paragraphs that argue that it will be
extremely dif f icult and unlikely f or the teams to

change their names.

If you could rearrange and revise your paragraphs to

f it into these two sections, that could help
immensely! Maybe we can talk about this in
conf erences?

Also, you really need to work on citation and on

language issues. I tried to make suggestions f or
language changes in the paper. T o work on citation,
you really need to go back and watch the f irst and
f orth citation videos. T hat's the only way you're
going to get this down. You're missing one key that
was stated very clearly in that f irst video.

T ake heart, Elijah! I do think this paper could be a

good one, and learning more about organizing your
ideas in the process will only help you with f uture
writing!

PAGE 1

QM

WC
Word choice error:
Sometimes choosing the correct word to express exactly what you have to say is very dif f icult
to do. Word choice errors can be the result of not paying attention to the word or trying too
hard to come up with a f ancier word when a simple one is appropriate. A thesaurus can be a
handy tool when you're trying to f ind a word that's similar to, but more accurate than, the one
you're looking up. However, it can of ten introduce more problems if you use a word thinking it
has exactly the same meaning.
Additional Comment
How about resurrecting?

Text Comment.

but

Text Comment.

On one hand

Comment 1
A couple points:

1. T he wording of the sentence is quite awkward.

2. As I mentioned bef ore, ending your intro with a question is problematic because it can
distract a reader f rom the thesis. Since a thesis can't be a question, it's also a problem if you
intended this to be the thesis. (However, I don't think that was the intent.)

QM

Text Comment.

named above

Text Comment.

T he

Text Comment.

because the authors considered them racist.

Cite Paraphrase
Paraphrased inf ormation needs citation too!
Additional Comment
T hrough the whole paragraph, can you of f er paragraph numbers f or citation?

QM

No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

Text Comment.

f ocused

Strikethrough.
Comment 3
?? Was this the title of the scale? Or was the scale f rom "Meh" (not very of f ensive) to "$%&!"
(unbelievably of f ensive). T his is hard to understand.
QM

Awk.
Awkward:
T he expression or construction is cumbersome or dif f icult to read. Consider rewriting.

QM

No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is

necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

QM

Awk.
Awkward:
T he expression or construction is cumbersome or dif f icult to read. Consider rewriting.

Comment 4
For example? An example would help clarif y the meaning of this statement.

Text Comment.

and by

Text Comment.

by

Text Comment.

No commas here. Commas make it hard to see that Utt was one author
and the other article was written by a team of two authors.
PAGE 2

Comment 5
Awkward and vague sentence. How about something like "Both sets of authors of f er a
historical account of racist stereotypes through time. Neither take a side on the issue, but say
that..."

Comment 6
OK, do you consider this paragraph to be the review of opinions? It seems very much like one,
and aside f rom some awkward language or unclear meanings, it's strong! T he only problem is
that you don't end the review by linking back to your own argument.
QM

No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

QM

Para. #
Don't f orget paragraph numbers f or online articles!

QM

Attribution
Work on attribution.

Additional Comment
Remember, all your in-text citations should lead a reader directly to the first word of the entry on
the Works Cited page. So use the author here.

Text Comment.
QM

students

Attribution
Work on attribution.

QM

Para. #
Don't f orget paragraph numbers f or online articles!

QM

No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

Text Comment.

T hat's very likely.

Comment 7
???
QM

C/S
Comma splice:
A sentence must have both a subject and a main verb in order to be complete, but it cannot
have more than one subject or main verb. A comma splice is a variety of run-on sentence that
occurs when two complete sentences, each with its own subject and verb, are joined mistakenly
by a comma. T here are generally three methods of correcting this problem: 1) Replace the
comma with a stronger mark of punctuation such as a period or semicolon, 2) use a
coordinating conjunction ("and," "but," "or," "nor") to join the two constructions, or 3) make one
of the two sentences a dependent construction by linking it to the other with a subordinating
conjunction ("if ," "when," "so that," "although," "because") or relative pronoun ("that," "which,"
"who," "whom," "whose").

QM

Attribution
Work on attribution.
Additional Comment
T his isn't the f irst word of the source on the Works Cited page. Since you have two sources by
Allen, you would need to add the next dif f erent part of the entry. So your Mental Floss sources

should be cited as (Allen, "32 NFL T eam Names") or (Allen, "30 MLB T eam Names").

Make sense?
QM

No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

QM

Attribution
Work on attribution.

Comment 8
Which ones? Also, is this statement necessary? It's only usef ul it you're still summarizing, but
af ter the review of opinions, you should move to arguing.
QM

Para. #
Don't f orget paragraph numbers f or online articles!

PAGE 3

Text Comment.

Craig Calcaterra's

Text Comment.

of the mascot is

Strikethrough.
QM

Attribution
Work on attribution.

Strikethrough.
QM

Attribution
Work on attribution.

Comment 11

OK, I'm going to stop marking the need f or paragraph numbers and more accurate attribution,
but those are needed throughout the paper!

Comment 12
Is this a citation?
QM

Awk.
Awkward:
T he expression or construction is cumbersome or dif f icult to read. Consider rewriting.
Additional Comment
Maybe "in the sense of being an example of name-calling?"

Comment 13
OK, so your point in this paragraph seems to be this: "Logos are a bigger issue than names
when it comes to the questions of racist mascots because the imagery is more of f ensive than
the name." Is that at all what you wanted to suggest in this paragraph?

Comment 14
Is this a transition statement? If so, place it at the beginning of the next paragraph.
QM

WC
Word choice error:
Sometimes choosing the correct word to express exactly what you have to say is very dif f icult
to do. Word choice errors can be the result of not paying attention to the word or trying too
hard to come up with a f ancier word when a simple one is appropriate. A thesaurus can be a
handy tool when you're trying to f ind a word that's similar to, but more accurate than, the one
you're looking up. However, it can of ten introduce more problems if you use a word thinking it
has exactly the same meaning.

Comment 15
According to whom? Add the attribution to the sentence here.

Comment 16
OK, at this point in time, a f ew observations:

1. You have interesting inf ormation and though the meaning of your paragraphs isn't always
clear, you present the inf ormation well enough.

2. However, notice that your paragraphs do not contain very clear links between one another

and almost no links back to the thesis. T his means that the logical progression of your
argument is lost or doesn't exist. Instead, you have a lot of great inf ormation, but f or a reader,
it's hard to tell what exactly to do with or think about it.

3. So stronger topic sentences that connect to the thesis could signif icantly improve your
paper!
QM

Citation Needed
Cite this.

Comment 17
Or maybe "without scrutiny?" Or maybe "without concern?"
PAGE 4

Comment 18
T his seems like a whole dif f erent point. But again, that would be clearer if you had a stronger
assertion statement f or the paragraph.
QM

Awk.
Awkward:
T he expression or construction is cumbersome or dif f icult to read. Consider rewriting.

QM

Citation Needed
Cite this.
Additional Comment
In general, some of this paragraph needs citation. Other points might be your own, but in order
to tell the dif f erence, a reader would have to know which ideas come f rom research.

QM

Missing ":"
Missing colon:
Colons are used to introduce lists, explanations, and quotations as well as to separate a
clause f or emphasis.

Comment 19
T he decade doesn't own anything, so the apostrophe isn't needed.
QM

C/S
Comma splice:
A sentence must have both a subject and a main verb in order to be complete, but it cannot

have more than one subject or main verb. A comma splice is a variety of run-on sentence that
occurs when two complete sentences, each with its own subject and verb, are joined mistakenly
by a comma. T here are generally three methods of correcting this problem: 1) Replace the
comma with a stronger mark of punctuation such as a period or semicolon, 2) use a
coordinating conjunction ("and," "but," "or," "nor") to join the two constructions, or 3) make one
of the two sentences a dependent construction by linking it to the other with a subordinating
conjunction ("if ," "when," "so that," "although," "because") or relative pronoun ("that," "which,"
"who," "whom," "whose").
QM

No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

Text Comment.

It's pretty hard to see where you're going in these last two paragraphs.

Text Comment.

the number

PAGE 5

Strikethrough.
Comment 21
Again, this really needs cited!

Comment 22
Do you see how your argument seems to have changed f rom the introduction to this
statement? T his is a stronger argument, I think, so maybe you can use that to revise the intro.

Text Comment.
QM

entire

No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

Text Comment.

racist

Text Comment.

Your conclusion is really strong! Unf ortunately, it's also the f irst time that
this argument has been clear, so it's almost too little too late.
PAGE 6

QM

ABC
Don't f orget alphabetical order!

Comment 23
T he publisher/sponsor is Mental Floss, Inc. or you could also use Dennis Publishing, since that
publishing company owns the site (Google this).

Text Comment.

Which of these would you consider your scholarly sources? Did you f ind
any of them on Google Scholar or the library databases?