Scars.

I don’t want the world to see me

Coz I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything is made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.

See, that song just about sums me up. I mean, well before
the accident I was...... well there is no other world for it but a
bitch. You know the pretty blond girl that everyone in school
wants to be? Yeah, well that was me, but not anymore. Now
I’m that girl everyone ignores and only gets spoken to when
absolutely necessary. My name is Ana by the way.
See just recently I started to believe in Karma, you know the
whole what goes around comes around thing. So because in
year 5 I was mean to this girl called Sam, I am now the one
who feels like an outsider. But I kind of like it that way,
although sometime things change.
You see I was sitting on a table by myself at lunch like usual,
when Caleb (my old boyfriend but we will get to him in abit,)
walked in with another boy. Straight away I knew this boy
was new because I would surely have recognised him if I had
seen him before. He was about 6 foot tall and had the most
gorgeous hair it was a lovely bronze colour and as he walked
past me he looked directly at me so I got to see the lovely
Emerald green of his eyes. But he continued to stare at me
and like usual I started to feel self conscious so I leaned
forward so my hair covered my face and he went past me
with Caleb. But I just knew he must have felt something, for
the second he looked at me he seemed startled as if he
somehow recognised me.
Ok, so let’s go back about 2 years so I can explain why I am
not the so called ‘Queen bee’ anymore, and more like a
leper. I once had the perfect life. Great family, good friends,
the most amazing boyfriend and I were one of the cleverest
people in my class. Everything was just about perfect but
little did I know everything was about to change.
We were in our car on the way back from our annual
family holiday to Wales, me, my older brother Dan, and my
mum and dad. When out of nowhere a fox darted into the
middle of the road. My dad tried to swerve to miss the fox
but we went too far and drove right off the road and into the
woods running along the side. There was a very steep drop
and the car tipped over as we fell down it. It just kept falling
and falling I didn’t think it would ever stop. The car finally
stopped as we crashed into a giant tree. The impact of the
stop threw me forward and out of the window. Before I
slipped into the darkness threatening to overwhelm me I
heard an almighty boom, as the fuel engine in the car
exploded. All I could here for weeks afterwards was the
screaming.
 I woke up in hospital 2 days later covered from head to toe
in bandages. I had broken my leg, fractured a few ribs and
was covered in scars. The three scars most prominent where
the three long jagged ones that run down one side of my
face, but compared to the rest of my family I was perfectly
fine. At least I was alive.
No one told me about my family until I asked to see my
mother a day after I woke up. They had the doctor come in
and tell me, all my family were dead at the scene apart from
me. I was incredibly lucky. I didn’t feel lucky though just
empty. I don’t even remember crying.
They took me to live with my Aunt Lydia 2 weeks after the
accident, but I didn’t go back to school for 2 months. The
morning of my first day back at school I remember looking in
the mirror at myself, I seemed to have lost about 2 stone I
was sickly skinny and I had cut all my long blond hair of so it
was in a bob and I had dyed it dark brown, because I didn’t
want to stick out in a crowd anymore I just wanted to blend
into the background and be forgotten about. I didn’t even
deserve to be alive what good had I ever done?
As I walked into the school building everyone turned round
and stared. I was not the Ana that they all knew and
pretended to like. I was different and the kids in my school
didn’t do different.
And then I saw them; Katie the girl who had been my best
friend all my life and Caleb who had been my boyfriend for
nearly 2 years, they were stood together. Kissing. Katie must
have seen me standing there as she pulled away and ran
towards me. “Ana I’m sorry! ANA!”
But I just turned round and walked away it didn’t even
bother me. I was just numb. It was just another 2 people who
I loved gone from my life, if what I was doing could even be
called a life, why should I care?
After that both of them just ignored me and I didn’t care.
Eventually my scars started to heal, all except the ones on my
face which stayed as angry red pucker lines etched deep into
my face. Luckily none of them crossed my eyes so I can still
see, they run along the left side of my face the biggest one
stretches down my forehead around my eye and finally
through my lips. I have never looked in a mirror since.
After the first time I saw the new boy he seemed to pop up
everywhere. He was in my history class and, seeing as though
no one sat next to me and the only spare seat in the class
was the one next to me he sat there. We didn’t really speak
but every now and then out the corner of my eye I would
catch him looking at me, but the expression on his face was
always the same. It seemed a cross between bewilderment
and something else that I couldn’t quite place. He sat on my
left side so the only side of me he saw was the ugly scared
side, so I always hid behind my hair because I could not face
him being just like all the other people in this school, shallow
and weak minded.
 The only other class we shared was art. I loved painting
abstract. It was the one thing I could do well and loose myself
in. Somehow when I paint everything seems ok, time stops
and although I know all my problems are still there waiting
for me, nothing seems to matter. I first started painting when
my psychiatrist said it might help and it did, I started to feel
at peace for the first time in so long.
The 2 year anniversary of the accident was the worst, Lydia
said I could stay off school for that day but I knew I had to
keep myself busy otherwise the sadness inside of me would
drown me and I could not let that happen again because I
was scared that if it did I would never be able to resurface.
My day went by rather fast and I did not see Will the new
boy at all, that is until the last lesson of the day. Art. We were
told to go in pairs and each draw something so that we could
mark each other’s work, I sat by myself content with not
having a pair to work with when I felt someone come up
behind me and tap me on the shoulder. “Ana, right? I saw
you all alone and I wondered would you be my partner
please?” He said all that in the most gorgeous voice, velvety
smooth and I felt weak just hearing it, I paused and didn’t say
anything or look up at him, why would he want to work with
me, the outcast? Did he not know my story?
“If you don’t want to work with me I can go.”
Before I realised what I was doing and before he had a
chance to turn round I spoke, “no its fine you can be
partner.”
He sat down next to me and the teacher told us to get
started. “You can go first,” he said. All of a sudden I feel sad
and tired I just wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep. I
stood up in front of the canvas and began to paint, I didn’t
know what it was I was painting it was like my hand didn’t
belong to me. Then the picture started to take shape and I
realised that it was a fox. Not just any fox it was the fox that
had caused the accident. I didn’t realise I was crying until I
had finished. I hung my head ashamed to let Will see me, I
was sure I looked bad enough as it is without the tears
streaming down my face. I didn’t want him to see me like
that, I don’t know why I didn’t but I think it was because he
was the only person in this school who had spoke to me by
choice in the last 2 years.
Suddenly I found myself wrapped in his arms. He had pulled
me to him and was whispering things into my hair that made
no sense but for some reason I felt better. “Mr Sinclair should
I take her out the room till she calms down?” He asked worry
filling his voice.
“Yes William please do.”
He half carried me out the room and once we were outside
he just stood and waited, he never asked me any questions
or pushed me into talking he just waited for me to finish.
 Finally when I had finished I looked up into his emerald eyes
and was shocked at how he was looking at me so intently like
he was trying to memorise my face. I felt myself turn bright
red as his eyes roamed round my face obviously noticing the
hideous scars that marked me different from everyone else.
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered bringing his hand up to
slowly caress my face, he did it so softly as if one sharp knock
would shatter me to pieces. I let it pass that he was obviously
lying about my face because he was just so dazzling; I let my
eyes roam his face as his eyes roamed mine. No way was I
beautiful. Not anymore. His eyes held mine and I felt so
mesmerised by them that I almost forgot to breathe. He
brought his head slowly closer to mine giving me a chance to
pull back if I wanted to. But at that moment in time I didn’t, I
wanted to kiss him. To lose myself in his eyes.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING! The spell was broken as the
bell signalling the end of the lesson went. I blinked and shook
my head. Why was he looking at me like that? I didn’t know
what to do was he just messing with me? I turned around
and began to run. He didn’t want me, why would anyone
want me? Maybe it was just a bet. “Wait! Ana come back!”
He ran after me but I couldn’t let him see my face. I couldn’t
let him see the tears that were running down my face again. I
ran and jumped on the first bus that I saw. It didn’t matter
where I was going I just had to get away, away from Will,
away from my whole entire pitiful little life. I sat on the bus
thinking it was times like these when I had no clue what was
going that I missed Dan the most. He was always there for
me. He always knew when I needed help or just someone to
talk to or even when I just needed to be left alone.
I remembered one time 4 years ago we were both sitting
down watching the telly. I was in year 8 and he was in year
10. I had, had a big argument with Caleb and I was so sad.
“Come on do you want me to go over there and batter him?”
“No it’s ok.”
“Well stop moping then! Tell you what why don’t I invite
Ryan round? He has a big crush on you and you can make
Caleb jealous.”
“No that’s fine.”
We sat and watched movies and ate ice-cream all night it was
so much fun. He always knew how to cheer me up. But he
was gone now and I had to deal with it.
I looked round on the bus and realised I didn’t know where I
was. The houses were big and posh and I knew I was far away
from home. I got off the next stop not wanting to go any
further away from home. It was so cold! I put my hands in my
pocket and felt something that wasn’t there before. I pulled
it out and it was a piece of paper, it said:

Plz call me
07964486038
 Will x

When had he put that in my pocket? But then I realised that

I had to ring him. I didn’t have my phone on me and I didn’t
know any ones number to call. Even if I had my phone though
there wouldn’t have en any one I could have called, my aunt
was in work and who else could I call? There was a phone box
right there but I didn’t know any other numbers to ring.
Damn!
Brrrrrrrrrrring, brrrrrrrrrrrrring.
“Hello?”
I couldn’t speak what if he laughed at me? “Hello? Ana is that
you?”
“Um, yeah it’s me.”
“Hey I was hoping you would call I just wanted to say I’m
sorry for before.”
“Sorry?” I choked out. I knew he didn’t like me, it was all just
one big game. “Yeah I just really like you and I think I went
too far I am so sorry.”
“You like me?”
“Yeah you are so beautiful and clever and I want to get to
know you better.”
“Why?” I asked puzzled he could have any girl he wants.
“I don’t know. I mean I know you are well out of my league
but every time I am with you I just feel so calm and happy.
Look where are you now? Do you want to go out somewhere
with me?”
I looked at the phone puzzled as if it would have all the
answers. He liked me, how was that even possible? He had
seen my scars and seen me cry, it just didn’t seem right that
he liked me. He was perfect and nice and I was just me.
What’s to like?
“Ana?”
“Oh, sorry that’s why I called anyway. See I kinda got on the
wrong bus and I don’t know how to get home. I was
wondering seeing as how you are able to drive and all
whether you would pick me up?”
“Yeah sure if you will come out with me for a bit.”
“Okay”
“Right I am leaving now, where are you?”
I told him where I was and I didn’t have to wait long. He
drove round the corner in a black Volvo and parked next to
me.
“Quick get in you must be freezing!”
I got in the car and he pulled me to him to try and warm me
up. I felt myself become stiff and irresponsive to his touch.
He pulled away fast and started to drive. “Sorry,” he
mumbled looking sad and hurt. I sighed if only he knew that I
liked him a lot too, but I could not let like become love. I
could never allow myself to love anyone or be loved ever
again. I could not go through the pain of losing everything I
loved again. I just wasn’t strong enough.
“So where do you want to go?” He said too cheerful. He was
trying to be so kind but today of all days I could not stand
people being nice to me.
“Can we go to the graveyard, I’m sorry if that is weird for you
but I have to go today.”
I don’t know where that came from I had been to the
graveyard yesterday but somehow I felt like I needed to go
today but I knew I couldn’t go by myself. Last time was bad
enough I passed out from crying so much.
“Yes that’s fine.” We didn’t speak again. There was nothing
to say. Within 10 minutes we were stood by Dan’s grave. I
had to visit him first my mum and dad had each other for
company in death. Dan had no one, like me. The message on
his gravestone was very simple because at the time of the
funeral I was not myself, so I didn’t get to pick it. It said:

In loving memory of
Daniel Lewis
 May the angels guide you
On to whatever comes next.

“I’m sorry Ana.”

“Hm?”
“I heard about what happened to you and I can’t even
imagine what it must be like for you to go through it all
alone.”
“I learned to cope; my pictures were a way of escaping.”
“You shouldn’t have had to escape someone should have
been there to help you.”
I looked at him and none of it seemed to matter anymore
time seemed to freeze again and it was just me and him. I
leaned forward without even meaning to and hugged him. I
held him like a drowning man holds a life raft, like he was the
only thing there was to stop me from drowning in the sea of
memories that threatened to ruin me.
I had been lucky after the crash I could not remember
anything about what had happened except the screaming.
But recently I had been having flashbacks. Dan shouting, my
mother screaming as the flames engulfed them and I sat
watching helplessly.
For the second time that day I found myself wrapped in his
arms sobbing desperately. I knew if I looked up at him it
would be too late and all the walls I had been building round
myself to keep people away would come crumbling down.
I but I could not help it I looked up into his eyes and felt a
rush of emotion I was scared to name rush through me. Then
I heard his sharp intake of breath as he looked at me and my
walls came back up stronger than ever. He had finally seen
me how everyone else had. A freak. A weirdo.
I pulled myself away from him hurt crossing my face. I had
finally started to open up and this happened. “No!” He
growled pulling me back to him, “You will not take me away
from something I love!” I looked up at him startled. “Yes
that’s right Ana I love you! Can you not feel that!?! Every
time I look at you I.... I don’t even know how to explain it just
I want to be with you. When you where crying I felt like
crying too, I know I haven’t known you long but you have got
to believe me.”
With that he pulled my lips to his and started to kiss me.
Suddenly it clicked and I knew exactly what he meant. There
are no words to explain it I just wanted him to be happy. I
think that was the exact moment I fell in love with him, and it
scared me so much!
I was not good enough for him; he deserved someone who
could treat him right. I pulled away from him and looked up
at his breathtaking face and, almost backed out of what I had
to do when I saw the amazing smile of love, joy and triumph
framed there. But I had to do it for both of our sakes. “Will, I
am so sorry but I can’t do this,” he looked like he was about
to interrupt me but I had to get out what I was going to say
before it was too late.
“Will I really like you but you deserve someone who can love
you back and I just can’t.” I could see the smile fading from
his face with each word I spoke so I looked down at the floor
before I continued. He grabbed my face very gently and
pulled it up so I was looking in his eyes again. “No at least
look at me,” he said looking close to tears himself.
“I have only known you a very short period Ana but I am
already head over heels for you please say you feel the
same!”
“Will I can’t I just........Can’t. When my family died I felt like I
died with them, I will not go through that again, I can’t. The
pain is just too much for me to bear. I’m just not ready Will,”
I started crying again as I could see him struggling not to cry
himself. “I really do like you will but I can’t lose anyone else I
love Will, please understand.”
This time I pulled him to me. I could not take the lost helpless
look on his face. “Ana I love you and I will wait for you no
matter how long it takes.” He leaned down and gave me one
last long lingering kiss. I felt all the emotions he put into that
kiss and I knew for certain he loved me and it wasn’t just
some bet. I wanted to be able to love him back but I knew my
love was not good for either of us.
I turned and walked away from him, it was not long until I
was home sitting there alone as usual. I didn’t know what to
do. I went to the window and picked up a picture of my mum
and dad and Dan. I missed them so much.
For the first time in ages I went and stood in front of the
mirror. Usually I passed it as quick as I could never pause to
look at myself. But when I did this time I got a shock. I was
looking at my mother from when she was younger, I had
seen pictures and she had been so beautiful. When I looked
at myself from the right I looked just like her but when I
looked at myself full on I could see the scars marring my face,
reminding me that no matter how hard I tried to forget the
past it would always be there to haunt me. “You look so
much like her you know every day you grow more and more
beautiful.” I turned round to look at my auntie she was stood
right behind me looking so sad I gave her a hug “she would
be so proud of you Ana you have been so brave.” She hugged
me and left the room. I turned back to the mirror and looked
my hair had grown past my shoulders and was still brown but
I was not skinny anymore I was back to my normal size. I took
one more look at myself and turned to walk out the room.
I managed to avoid Will most of the time in school but when
we were put together as partners in history or art I hardly
spoke to him just got on with the work. I would still catch him
looking at me or now and again. He would touch my arm
sometimes when we were sitting next to each other but I
didn’t respond.
“Hey Ana can I speak to you?” He said one day after school.
“Yeah, ok.”
“I was just wondering whether you would like to come to my
house after school today. I know we are not really speaking
anymore but I really miss your company we can still be
friends can’t we? At least until you are ready, I promised I
wouldn’t push you and I won’t, I just want to talk to you
again, I miss you.”
I looked up at his and my insides started to melt, no matter
how much I tried to kid him I could not kid myself. “Sure I
would love to come Will, but please don’t read too much into
this I’m just curious as to how you live you have kinda met
my family so I would like to meet yours.”
I winced at the look of hope that crossed his face. “Ok let’s
go!”
I got into his car and we drove for about 10 minutes without
talking. I kept thinking that it was a bad idea. I wasn’t telling
him I wanted a relationship I just wanted to be nice to him.
We pulled up in front of a nice house and before we could
reach the front door it was thrown open by a 4 year old little
girl with eyes the same knockout green as her brother and a
head covered in little bronze ringlets. “Will! Your back!” she
threw herself at Will and he caught her and pulled her up
into a hug. “Hey Bella this is Ana the girl I was telling you
about.” The girl looked at me and her smile brightened even
more if that was possible, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling
back. She squirmed until Will put her down and then she ran
to me and looked up at me.
“Ana are you really a princess?” she asked looking up at me
with wide innocent little eyes frames by thick black lashes
that every girl would kill for. I looked up at Will who smiled
sheepishly and then back down to his sister. “Who told you
that?” I asked smiling at her.
“Will told me, he said you where a beautiful princess and that
he wanted to be your prince charming.” I looked up at Will
with raised eye brows. He was glowing a magnificent red and
I could not help but laugh. “This little monster is Bella just
ignore everything she says I don’t know where she gets it.”
Bella turned with a harrumph and stomped back into the
house.
“Oh, and don’t listen to my parents either,” he was still
glowing bright red.
The house he lived in was unbelievable; it had everything
you could ever need and was so cute. It made me feel even
worse about my grubby clothes-my aunt and uncle did not
have much money-and the hideous scars that decorated my
face.
 Will looked so much like his mum but not really at all like his
dad, in the shape of his eyes or the curl of his mouth maybe.
But he looked so much like his mum it was unbelievable they
had the same hair and eyes and both were so beautiful. His
mum was so nice to me. We were all sitting round talking
when another boy walked into the room he was about the
same age as Will and I, he was also extraordinarily beautiful.
Whereas Will’s hair was bronze his was jet black and hung
round his head in waves like pure silk and his eyes where the
colour blue of sapphires. I couldn’t help but stare but as I
looked back round at Will I saw that he was staring at me and
not the boy, he didn’t look too pleased. “Ana this is my older
brother Tom.” The boy looked at me and smiled, I looked
away from his face remembering what he must have seen as
he looked at me. “Hi,” I muttered grabbing Will’s had and
cowering into his side. I don’t know why I did it but Will
always seemed to calm me. I don’t think Will realised why I
had done it either but he seemed pleased. The boy walked
up to me and put his finger under my chin so he could push
my face up and look at me. “Hmm, she is quite cute Will
except for the scars, why is she with you?” I looked down
blushing, he was so mean but in a way I was shocked in a
good way. I think he was the only person I had ever met who
had just come out with something like that in front of my
face, everyone else whispered about me behind my back. I
think that was what I hated the most: no one was big enough
to say it to my face.
 Will was just as shocked as everyone else, but it didn’t take
him long to recover he had jumped up and punched Tom in
the face before anyone could stop him. “Say sorry to her now
you rat!” He roared leaping at his brother again. I jumped up
and pulled at his arm trying to stop him but he just pulled me
along with him like I weighed nothing. Tom put his hands up
laughing. “Chill out Will, I was joking.”
“Well I didn’t find it funny Thomas go to your room!” Will’s
mum said looking at Tom.
“You can’t make me your not my mum!”
“Well I’m your dad so get to your room!”
I paused looking round. What? I thought Tom was Will’s
brother. Then I got it they had the same dad but not the
same mum. My curiosity grew. Where was Tom’s mum? I
knew it was none of my business though so I kept quite.
Tom shrugged and left the room but not before giving a
little wave in my direction. Will growled at my side but after a
while everything went back to how it was before Tom came
in.
After a while I excused myself to go the toilet and on the way
back I could hear music coming from down the hall. I
followed to music because I knew the band. It was Paramore:
I had loved that band for years I had even been to see them
in concert the year before. When I got to the door I realised it
had a sign on it that read:
 Tom’s room
Stay out!
I knew I should just have dropped it but I was curious so
knocked on the door. “Come in.” Tom shouted turning down
his music.
“Hi, I was just passing and I heard the music. You like
Paramore?”
“Yeah, and?”
“Oh nothing it’s just I like them too.”
“Really I had you down for more of a Girls allowed or
Sugarbabes girl.” He said sneering as he said the names
obviously he didn’t like those bands. “No way not my style at
all, I’m more into Linkin Park or Coldplay these days.”
He looked at me properly then as if trying to tell whether I
was lying or not. “These days?” He asked obviously as curious
about me as I was about him.
“Yeah, ever since the accident.”
“What accident?” He asked, I was shocked everyone else
seemed to know about it even Will’s mum. Guilt consumed
me for a second. Will. But I pushed it back I wasn’t doing
anything wrong just talking. Who cares anyway? You’re
not going out with him anyway he doesn’t own you. I
paused where did that come from? I shook myself and
turned back to Tom to answer his question.
“I was in a car accident a few years ago.”
“Oh, is that where you got your scars from?” He whispered
touching my lips on the scar. I felt a shiver run through me as
I looked into his eyes. “Yes it was but I was actually lucky.”
“Lucky? How so?”
“Well at least I lived, you see I was in the car with my mum,
dad and brother. None of them made it.”
I blinked back the tears threatening to escape but one lone
tear escaped and rolled down my face. He wiped it away with
his finger and he looked at me with such understanding in his
eyes that I had to look away. “I’m sorry Ana but believe me I
understand how you feel.” I looked up at him to see whether
he was lying. “No seriously, my mother died when I was
younger, I went to stay with my Gran for a month and when I
got back my dad had shacked up with some woman and had
a new baby on the way. I wasn’t needed anymore, I realised
that and I was just 3 years old.” Now he was the one nearly
crying and I was the one comforting him. I had my arms
wrapped round him and was stroking his hair when Will burst
in the room.
He took one look at us and stormed out. I jumped up and
began to follow him out the door when Tom pulled me back.
“No he will be mad let me go.” He jumped up and ran after
Will. I sat down on his bed and put my head in my hands. I
thought about it from Will’s point of view and how it must
have looked to him: I had known him for months and I would
not even let him hug me and then he walked in on me
hugging his brother who I had known less than a day. I
groaned, I loved Will but I couldn’t let him love he back, I was
not worth it. Maybe, he would finally stop now. That hurt too
much for me to think about though even though I had tried
to stop it he meant too much to me now I couldn’t lose him
now, when I had just realised how I felt.
I ran down the stairs to find Will and to explain and I found
him outside waiting in his car. I ran to him and opened the
door. “Will I-”
“No its ok Tom explained everything to me I don’t mind.”
“Oh ok then.”
“I think it’s time I got you home.”
We drove in silence. I just sat and looked at him noticing little
things about him that I had never seen before like; His lovely
green eyes had flecks of blue in them and his top lip was a
little bit bigger and out of proportion to his bottom lip. But
that just seemed to make them all that more kissable.
We pulled up outside my house and I turned to say goodbye.
“Will I have been thinking and I want to give the whole dating
thing a try, I really like you-”
“Wait Ana I need to think some things through, I love you but
I just can’t I’m sorry.”
I jumped out the car hurt; he knew how hard it was for me to
be able to say that to him and he had basically ignored me.
“Will, if this is about that thing with Tom we were just talking
and he started to cry, I knew how he felt I was just
comforting him, I would have done the same for anyone.”
“That thing with Tom? Ana! I have known you for months,
told you I loved you and you don’t even let me kiss you and
you have known Tom for all of 5 minutes and you were
cuddled up to him on his bed what am I supposed to think!?”
I just looked at him I understood what he was feeling hadn’t I
told myself the same thing before?
Before I could say anything he drove away. I went in the
house and was on my way upstairs when my aunt came out
of the living room. “Good day?”
“Yeah thanks but I am kinda tired now so I am going to bed
goodnight.” Before she could answer I turned and ran up the
stairs I didn’t want to talk. I lay on my bed thinking, my
birthday was coming up soon. I usually hated birthdays and
Christmases since the accident they just reminded me of
them, especially Dan. He was like such a big kid, he would
wake us all up at 6am to get his presents then sit all day in his
pyjamas pigging out. I was so lost in memory that I didn’t
notice my phone getting a text until I went to check the time
later on. The text was from an unknown number. I curiously
read it, it said;

Hi Ana
I’m sorry for everything I have done
Can we meet up 2mora?
Tom x
I looked at the text message. How did he get my number? I
didn’t know what to do. On the one hand if I met up with him
Will might take it the wrong way and hate me, but then I was
just innocently meeting up with a new friend. Oh how did life
get so complicated? Boys!
I decided to meet up with him. We met up in the park and
sat on the swings. “Ana I am sorry about yesterday, it’s just
no one else could understand how I felt and it was nice to be
able to let it all out for once.”
“I understand that Tom but I have to ask, what did you say to
Will? He seemed to think what we were doing was not just
talking.”
“I actually didn’t talk to him.”
“What?”
“I just really like you and I thought if he was stupid enough to
doubt you that you were better off without him and with me
instead.” He was smiling at me as if he was doing me a big
favour I turned round and started to walk away before I
punched him, I had to find Will and explain. “No Ana wait!”
“No I will not I need to find Will and explain.”
“I wouldn’t bother if I was you, last time I saw him he was sat
in his room with some girl called Katie or something.”
I froze. No he wouldn’t. He knew how much she had hurt me;
he wouldn’t do that to me, would he? You did it to him That
stupid voice in my head started again but I knew it was true.
That’s when I started to run. I had to see for myself. I ran all
the way to Will’s house and banged on the door. My world
shattered for the second time in my life when Will answered
the door with Katie stood right behind him. As soon as she
saw me she started smirking. “Yes is there anything we can
do for you Ana?” She sneered at me, emphasising the ‘we’. I
turned round numb and started to walk away; I wouldn’t let
her see the tears that had sprung to my eyes. “Ana Wait!”
Will said looking at me.
“No I have to go anyway I just came to tell you that Tom was
lying about yesterday that nothing happened? I just felt sorry
for him that’s all, I know how it feels. See you round.”
I walked away the tears flowing freely now. This was my
entire fault I knew I should never has opened my mouth
about how I felt, I bet they were sat laughing at me.
They told me I collapsed walking down the road almost
home and was found by a passing cyclist. I was kept in
hospital for 2 days, they thought I had, had a nervous
breakdown. I just thought I had, had enough.
I went back to school a week later. Everyone looked at me
and whispered but I was used to that, it was actually a relief
to know that even if I was different, everyone else had stayed
the same. This time I didn’t just try to pretend Will wasn’t
there and still look at him, I totally wiped him out. I
volunteered to paint scenery for the drama club at break and
lunch so I didn’t have to see him and if I saw him walking
along a corridor I turned and walked the other way. Art and
History were the hardest times to ignore him but I managed.
I started talking to a girl called Mel in History she was also a
bit of a loner so I became her partner and in art I started
talking to a boy called Jamie he had no friends and seemed
quite flattered that I would talk to him. After the first few
days of this I realised that not everyone in school hated me
and would not talk to me. Most of them had never been
given the chance and where really nice.
But how ever hard I tried to avoid Will, he tried twice as hard
to speak to me. I probably would have caved and spoke to
him If I had not found out from Jamie that he sat with Katie
and her crew at lunch.
On the day of my birthday I was really down. When I got to
my desk at form time I saw that it was covered in roses. I
walked to it slowly aware that every single pair of eyes in the
room were on me. I picked up the card that was with the
roses and read it.

Ana
Happy birthday
I am sorry
More sorry than you know
That thing with Katie was not what you think
Please talk to me
Love you always
Will
Xxx
Without pausing to think I picked up the roses and walked to
the bin. I dropped them in and turned round and walked back
to my desk. I was well aware of Will sat at the back of the
room looking, that was why I didn’t let myself cry I sat with
my back straight and wished that the day could just be over.
He tried again in history. He left a box with the most
beautiful bracelet in it on my desk. I was happy but sad to
know that he remembered that I liked silver not gold. I didn’t
just put it in the bin because I knew in must have cost him a
lot of money so I waited until break and walked up to Katie.
For the first time in 2 years I spoke to her. “Here you have it I
don’t want it and tell him to leave me alone I don’t want his
pity anymore.” I shoved the box into her hand and then
turned and walked away.
The only time I came close to braking was in art. In front of
my place was a canvas and once I got close enough I just
stared. He had drawn a picture of me. But at the time I just
stared and thought that can’t be me, can it?
The girl in the picture was so beautiful, the only reason I
could even compare her to me was the scars. 3 scars running
the length of her face on one side. But the scars didn’t seem
to make the girl any less beautiful they were just a part of
her, a part of who she was. They just added an air of mystery
and secrets to her. I could feel that my mouth was open and I
knew he would be able to see me but I just couldn’t tear my
eyes from the picture. This was the girl who I wanted to be,
she seemed calm and comfortable with who she was scars
and all.
Then I heard him speak from behind me. “See to me you
always had the scars and I found you beautiful with them,
you were different from everyone else but not because the
scars made you different, they were just there but I wanted
to get to know you as you are not how you were. They are a
part of you so how could I not love them as well?” He walked
towards me to hug me I think because no matter how hard I
tried I could not stop myself from crying.
 But as you might have realised before I said the only time I
nearly broke way in art. No matter what he said he still had
Katie in his bedroom with him, even though he knew how
much she had hurt me.
So I turned round and walked away. Even though it was only
the middle of the school day I left. I couldn’t be there with
him anymore.
I walked home and knocked on the door I had not even
gone to my locker in school to get my stuff. My auntie
answered the door and pulled me into a hug. “The school
called, why did you just walk out?” I nearly started crying
again, her voice held no judgement or anger she just seemed
worried. So I told her the whole story. She didn’t judge me
once and hugged me the whole time. I ended with “so please
can I move schools? It’s not just coz of the thing with Will I
just feel I need a change.” She looked at me and nodded.
“Ok you may move schools but remember once you have
moved there is no going back.”
“I know but I think it will be good for me.”
“Ok I will get on to it tomorrow the only catch it you have to
stay at this school until the end of the term which is in less
than a week.”
“Alright, thank you.”
I got up and hugged her and then went up stairs. I sat and
thought for ages, I had my music on full blast so I didn’t know
there was anyone in the house until they knocked on my
door. “Come in,” I shouted thinking it was my aunt or uncle.
It wasn’t. Katie opened my door and walked into my room.
“Get out now!” I said my voice so cold and calm I was
shocked,
“Just give me a minute to explain,” she begged.
“There is nothing to explain, I’m moving schools now so you
finally get what you want now leave.”
“What? You’re doing what?”
“I’m moving school.”
“But you can’t! What about Will!”
“What about Will? He’s got you and the popular crowd he
doesn’t need me.” I said shrugging.
“No you don’t understand! I was at his house that day
because he wanted to get you back and he needed help, you
have got to believe me!”
“Makes no difference to me I’m going anyway, if he was
really that bothered he would have come to see me himself,
now if you don’t mind.” I stood out and opened my door.
“Get out” She turned round and went once she was out my
door I closed it and threw myself on my bed.
He was trying to get me back. I started crying again, it always
had to be so hard! I stayed on my bed for ages deciding what
to do. In the end I decided I would move schools anyway, I
honestly believed I needed a change and a new start; well
that’s what I told myself anyway. I told myself I was naive
and didn’t really love him I was just flattered that someone
could see past the scars. I told myself it that many times that
I started to believe it.
I was woken up at 2am by something banging on my
window. I opened the curtained and there he was right
outside my window. He had climbed the tree outside and
was stood on one of the branches. For a second I just stood
and stared at him then I made a move to close the curtains
again. A look so full of pure hopelessness and sorrow crossed
his face that I knew everything I had been telling myself was
a lie to keep me from admitting the truth; I was just as
irrevocably and unconditionally in love with him as he was
with me. That made me all the more determined to leave. I
opened the window to him and with a movement to fast for
my brain to process he was in the room with me and had me
wrapped up in his arms.
“It’s not true is it? Please tell me it’s not true!” He near
sobbed, looking right into my eyes, something he saw there
must have told him all the answers he needed.
“You.Can.Not .Leave. Me!” He exploded looking more hurt
and upset than angry. “I...I have to Will I can’t be with you
can’t you see that?”
“No,” that one little word was spoken with such grief and
pain I wanted to hug him to me and tell him it would all be
alright but I couldn’t. I took a step back from him.
“Noooo” Before I had took half a step he had launched
himself at me knocking us both back onto my bed. He started
sobbing, huge body wracking sobs as he buried his face into
my stomach. “Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me,” He
chanted when he could pull in enough breath between sobs.
My arms, seemingly of their own accord wrapped round him
and I started to stroke his hair. At that moment I forgot the
last month or two had even happened I just wanted to be
with him.
We both were sat there sobbing for what seemed like
hours. He was the first to stop as I could hear his breath
going back to its ordinary rhythm. Although, he did not move
his head from where he had it pressed to my stomach or his
arms from where they were wrapped tightly round me. He
seemed content with just holding me and as always I had to
be the one that hurt him. I pulled away from him ignoring his
moans of protest. “Will this doesn’t change anything, I am
still leaving. I am moving school and most likely home. I can’t
hurt myself any more, but I could live with that, it’s you I
can’t hurt anymore.”
“Don’t you see Ana? You leaving will hurt me more than
anything else.”
“No Will because even if I stayed I could not be with you.”
“Why not?” He asked looking like he was going to cry again.
“Will,” I took his face into my hands. “My love is no good for
you, everything I love gets broken and I don’t want that for
you.”
“But I love you too Ana, when I wasn’t with you this last
month my life seemed empty and made no sense, you are
everything to me now.”
I did start crying then I knew the only way I could free him
was to make him think I didn’t want him; he had to be free
though, I could not add the bad things I would surely do to
him to my list of burdens, and he could not help me with
them they were mine to bear and mine alone.
“Will I don’t want to love you it hurts too much! Please can’t
you see how much this is hurting me? Please don’t hurt me
anymore.” I knew those worlds where a lie and I knew he
would see through them straight away so I was really
shocked when he didn’t. He pulled me to him, took one last
lingering kiss filled with such love that I never wanted it to
end and then he pulled himself away and turned to the
window ready to jump back out.
I touched my fingers to my lips where he had just kissed me
and felt them tingle. That’s when it hit me the thing he had
been trying to get through to me for so long. We were meant
to be together and it hurt us both so much when we were
apart. I ran to him hoping that I hadn’t blown it, now I knew I
could not live without him or at least wouldn’t want to.
I spun him round and launched myself at him like he had
done to me and 1 hour before. Except I threw my arms round
his neck and brought his face down to mine and just before I
kissed him I whispered to him. “I love you so much Will,” I
knew I needed to hear those words out loud just as much as
he did. Once Will realised it was not just some joke and I was
telling the truth he picked me up and spun me round again
and again, but not once did our mouths part.
We sat and talked for ages and he gave me back the bracelet
he had saved from Katie and the picture of me. I apologised
for everything I had done to him but he just said I was worth
every last bit of it. Then he said he didn’t get the flowers back
but he would buy me some more and wished me happy
birthday again seeing as though it was still the 8th December.
I was mad that I didn’t have anything to give him back so I
just kissed him again which he seemed to like. But so did I, an
awful lot.
It’s been 6 years since that night and we are still together, in
fact we are expecting our first child next march. Katie and I
became friends again, I decided to forgive and forget. I still
have my scars but for the past 6 years I have been able to see
them as a gift and not a burden they are a part of me and
always will be so learned to accept them. Also, if it wasn’t for
my scars I wouldn’t have Will so I don’t just accept them I
love them. I also realised something; everybody has scars,
they come in all different shapes and sizes but each one has
its own story. That story might be happy or sad but each one
is individual and they help to make us who we are.