Blocks to Listening

1. Comparing

- when you are trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, more
emotionally healthy, wealthy, stronger, better looking, worse off, etc.
2. Mind Reading

- Not paying attention to what the other party is actually saying. You are
interpreting what is the underlying meaning, and trying to assess what the other person
has not said, or may be thinking or implying.
3. Rehearsing

- During the conversation, while the other person is speaking, you are
preparing what to say next before the speaker has completed his/her sentences.
4. Filtering - Listening to some things and not to others. You are either avoiding what you
may not want or like to hear, or you are choosing to hear the things that pleases or are
acceptable to you.
5. Judging - Making judgment about the person or the content of what he or she is saying
without getting all the facts or allowing the other to complete his or her thoughts.
6. Dreaming - You are half listening, but internally, you are in your own world. This can
happen when you are bored, anxious, or disinterested in what the other has to say. In
general, you do not value what the other person has to say.

7. Identifying - What the speaker is saying reminds you of your own experience. Very soon,
the conversation becomes about you as you attempt to connect with the other person with
your experience with the topic instead of being fully present for them, i.e., making it
about you.
8. Advising - You are a problem solver. At times, even before listening to the complete
story, you think you know what the other person needs and are quick to offer your
suggestions or advice. This may be your inability and unwillingness to stay with the
speaker and allow him/her to complete his/her thoughts.
9. Sparring - Sometimes, you may disagree with what the other person is sharing. When
that happens, you take strong stands and are very clear about your beliefs and
preferences. Sometimes, this comes in the form of invalidating, minimizing, putting
down, or criticizing what is being shared with you (instead of making the effort to
understand where the other party is coming from).
10. Being Right - Somewhat related to sparring, here, you are willing to do engage in
arguments because being right and standing by your convictions are very important
things to you. Listening to criticism, corrections, or suggestions to change is a very
challenging proposition.
11. Derailing - This is when you are disinterested, uncomfortable, or bored with the topic
that is being shared. An alternate way to derail is to make a joke or respond with sarcasm
to what is being said.
12. Placating - You want to be nice, liked, people please, and avoid conflict at all cost.
Instead of tuning in and examining whats being said, you placate.
Source: Messages (McKay M., Davis M., Fanning P.)

Four Steps to Effective Listening

1. Active Listening
a. Paraphrasing - Reflecting back to the speaker what you heard, and allowing the
speaker to correct your reflection.
i.
What I hear you say is
ii.
So what you are saying is
iii.
Let me see if I hear you correctly, you said
b. Clarifying - asking questions to get more of the picture.
i.
I want to understand what/how you are feeling. Are you feeling [describe
feelings]?
c. Giving Feedback - You have paraphrased and clarified, now provide feedback in
a non-judgmental way. You can share how you felt, thought, or sensed, i.e., what
happened inside you in the process of dialoguing. Your feedback should be honest

and supportive. It helps if you can be gentle in providing your feedback.

i.
Given the background information, I can see how you may have arrived
at this conclusion
ii.
That makes sense, no wonder you feel the way you do
2. Empathic Listening - Listening to the other person with the attempt to be in, and thus
see from the other persons viewpoint. Empathy is not the same as sympathy.
Sympathy

is "feeling for someone," where as empathy is "feeling as someone."

3. Listening with Openness - Allow the speaker to have the space to voice his/her opinions,
stories, and viewpoints. Even when we do not agree or approve with all that is shared, we
can however provide validation and acceptance. Be open to hear the entire statement or
communication. Remember, acceptance and approval are not the same thing.
4. Listening with Awareness
Do your best to:
Be aware of your own inner experience (feelings, thoughts, sensing). [self-awareness]
Maintain good eye contact and lean slightly forward
Reinforce the speaker by nodding and paraphrasing
Clarify by asking questions
Actively move/stay away from distractions (e.g., mobile phones, TV, etc.)
Be committed to understanding what was said, even if you are feeling angry and upset.
Be OK with suggesting a break or pause when you sense that things are getting too
overwhelming (or heavy) for you.

Source: Messages (McKay M., Davis M., Fanning P.)