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THE FRUIT POLICE

Written by
Sam Godinez

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INT. THE FRUIT POLICE HEADQUARTERS. NIGHT.

An intro to a TV show is played. A title "CROPS" appears in the
middle of the screen mimicking the intro of the popular law
enforcement television show "COPS". This show is not about
people breaking regular laws though. Instead it is a show about
people breaking fruit related laws. It continues to show fruit
police officers apprehending various individuals committing
fruit related crimes (i.e. someone caught peeling a banana from
the bottom instead of the top, an orange being neutralized using
pesticides as opposed to pepper spray, or perhaps even a
pineapple buckled up in the backseat of a police car). All of
this is underscored by The Inner Circle's "Bad Boys" to once
again mimic the intro of "COPS".
The intro finishes and gradually the camera pans out of a
television screen to show that the television show is playing on
a television inside the fruit police headquarters. It is a
slightly busy building for the night shift, busy enough to the
point where something is always going on. The interior of the
police station resembles that of a classic 1940s noir film. The
camera moves all around in the station to show the many
different things people do at a fruit police station (i.e.
interrogating a watermelon, a man, covered in fruit juice and
fruit skins like he had just run into a fruit stand, in a jail
cell).
The camera finally pans over to an office with the name "DET.
SHERLOCK LOAMS" painted in gold on the glass part of the door.
The camera pans through the door where a man, DETECTIVE LOAMS,
is seated at a desk looking worn out (rolled up sleeves, hair
messed up, hands on head and elbows on desk in defeat). A close
to empty glass of whiskey is on the desk and the half full
bottle is close at hand. A lit cigar is smoking in an ashtray
off to the side.
A phone rings...
LOAMS
This is Loams.

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VOICE (phone)
Detective, this is Commissioner Berry. I need to see you in
my office. We have some things to talk about.
A dial tone is heard. DETECTIVE LOAMS hangs the phone up,
quickly finishes the rest of the whiskey in his glass, grabs his
coat, and exits his office.
The camera follows close behind him and zooms in on various
people's faces as he walks through the station up to the police
commissioner's office. People look at him with disappointment,
shame, and sometimes pity.
He finally makes it to the upstairs area. This floor looks
almost identical to the lower floor. He stands in front of a
door that reads "POLICE COMMISSIONER JONATHON C. BERRY", takes a
deep breath, and enters.
COMMISSIONER BERRY
Ah Loams. There you are. Have a seat.
LOAMS
(sitting)
Look, sir I know I
COMMISSIONER BERRY
Loams please. I don't want to hear it. Let me just tell you
what the deal is and then you can answer me. You blew the
case of the century: The Case of the Big Fruit. That
happened. There's no changing that. So here's what's going
to happen now. You have two options: you can resign or you
can transfer to district 3A.
LOAMS
No! Not district 3A! Anything but that. Isn't there
anything else?!
Cut to a shot of DETECTIVE LOAMS signing a paper that says he
agrees to transfer to district 3A. Classic film noir jazz music
is played as the camera shows his process of packing and
leaving. He leaves his small apartment building and it is
raining as hard as ever outside. He gets on the bus that takes
him to the train station and then takes a train. He walks on an
empty train and takes his seat as the camera shows him looking
out the window as it is still raining. During this montage of
sorts his voice is heard.

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LOAMS (v.o.)
Sure I didn't want to go to 3A, but maybe it was time. Time
I started a new chapter in my life, ya know? Time I got out
of the city. Time I showed everyone that Detective Sherlock
Loams is still kicking. It sure beats the humiliation I
experienced everyday in the city. All that's behind me now
and there's no turning back.
INT. THE DISTRICT 3A TRAIN STATION. NIGHT.
He arrives in district 3A: the farmland district. There is
nothing but farms and farmhouses for as far as the eye can see.
It is still raining as DETECTIVE LOAMS gets off the train. He
stands there in the rain for a moment with all his luggage as
the train leaves. He then takes a deep breath and steps inside.
He sets his luggage down by one of the benches in the train
station and goes right up to the only person behind a desk in
the entire station. Film noir music is still heard in the
background.
LOAMS
Excuse me ma'am, my name is Detective Sherlock Loams and I
believe there's supposed to be a car here to pick me up. If
you could just tell me where that car is, that'd be just
fantastic.
TRAIN STATION WOMAN
I'm sorry, there's no car here nor have we had any calls
that a car would be here.
LOAMS
That's impossible. The station said they would send a car
to this train station. Now tell me, where is the car?
TRAIN STATION WOMAN
Look sir, there's no car here so unless you intend on
waiting for your imaginary car to show up, I suggest you
start walking.
LOAMS
How dare you talk to me like that. Now I will wait here
until you tell me where my car is. (He goes and sits down
emphatically next to his luggage) And I will not move
until then. I know my rights!

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EXT. DISTRICT 3A. NIGHT.
Immediately after he shouts his last line there is a cut to a
shot where he is walking along a dirt path in the hard, hard
rain. Just as it cuts there is lightning and thunder. Noir jazz
music is heard slightly louder at this point. He is struggling
to walk this path and carry all of his luggage at the same time.
Another voice over is heard.
LOAMS (v.o.)
Sure I wanted to stay there and wait for her to tell me
where the car was and show her who's boss, but I had bigger
things on my mind, much bigger. Things she wouldn't
understand if you poured them into her brain with a funnel.
So I walked home. I walked because I knew I'm all I had
left.
He finally arrives at a very small house. The camera cuts to an
over the shoulder shot of him as he looks down at a very wet
piece of paper. So wet that it's impossible to make out what
anything says. He looks back up at the house.
LOAMS
This is the place.
The camera stays stationary as he walks up to the house, unlocks
the door, and walks in. The camera pans up towards the sky and
we once more see a flash of lightning and hear a thunder clap.
The jazz music fades away as a transition from night to day
slowly occurs while the camera is still facing the sky. The
camera slowly pans back down towards the house and we see
DETECTIVE LOAMS walk out dressed in his work clothing. He once
again starts walking down the dirt road.
INT. THE DISTRICT 3A FRUIT POLICE STATION. DAY.
We are now inside the fruit police station. We see DETECTIVE
LOAMS walk in but nobody is around.
LOAMS
Hello? Is anyone here? This is Detective Sherlock Loams. I
was told I was supposed to report to this station at 0700
hours.
SHERIFF (o.s.)
Hold on! I'm coming! I'm coming!

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A very old man comes out of the back area of the police station
that is closed off. He walks very slowly and it takes him at
least 15 seconds to get to the chair behind the front desk. This
police station is nothing like the one in the city. It's old and
there are signs of wear and tear. It is also much smaller. All
that is visible at this point is a front room with and a front
desk and a door to the back area. The old SHERIFF has reached
the chair at this point. He reaches into a file cabinet and
starts to look through the files.
SHERIFF
Okay...alright...Detective Bones was it?
LOAMS
Uh...Loams sir.
SHERIFF
Stones?
LOAMS
No, Loams sir. (Speaking a little louder this time)
SHERIFF
Loans?
LOAMS
No! Loams! (Practically yelling this time)
SHERIFF
Well you don't have to yell...Ah here we are, Detective
Sherlock Loams. Let's see where we have you today. (Looking
down at his file he begins to laugh a little trying to hide
his laughter) Well you're in luck. You got festival
security today. Today is the day of our annual fruit
festival, you see? All you have to do is walk around and
make sure there's no fruit related funny business. Sound
easy enough for you?
LOAMS
Yes sir.
EXT. THE FRUIT FESTIVAL. DAY.
Cut to a scene with DETECTIVE LOAMS walking around the fruit
festival. He looks around at all the people there and waves

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politely at some of them. As he is walking around he starts to
notice that all the fruit there looks exactly alike (all the
apples look exactly the same, all the strawberries look exactly
the same, etc.) He gets out his pad of paper and pen and starts
writing down everything he sees. He takes pictures of the fruit
as well because all of this is very suspicious to him. A camera
effect will occur here that makes the camera the viewfinder of
DETECTIVE LOAMS's camera and when he takes a picture there is a
freeze frame and camera shutter SFX. He also starts to notice
that there is a fruit contest going on. There are ridiculously
giant fruits being judged (apples the size of a adult man's
torso, oranges the size of a yoga ball, etc.). DETECTIVE LOAMS
once again starts writing vigorously and takes another set of
pictures, this time of the giant fruit. The same camera effect
will occur here. While DETECTIVE LOAMS is looking through the
viewfinder of his camera and not paying attention to where he is
going, a small BOY of about 10 years of age wearing clich young
boy clothing (colorful horizontal striped shirt, short shorts, a
hat with a propellor on top, high socks, etc.) runs into him and
falls down.
BOY
Aghsorry mister.
LOAMS
What? (He looks away from his viewfinder and down at the
BOY) Oh, that's okay. Just watch where you're going next
time alright?
BOY
Sure thing. (Seeing DETECTIVE LOAMS's badge) Wait a minute,
are you a fruit police officer?
LOAMS
Why yes...(proudly) I am.
BOY
Wowie. That's the most coolest thing ever. For as long as I
can remember I've wanted to be a fruit police officer and
live in the big city!
LOAMS
Believe me kid, it ain't everything it's cracked up to be.
BOY
(sadly)

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Oh. I see.
LOAMS
But...hey how would you like to help me around with some of
my police work for the next couple days? I think I'm on to
something in this town.
BOY
(Excited)
Oh boy would I. My name is Jack.
LOAMS
Well Jack, it looks like we've just found ourselves a case.
Let's go.
EXT. DISTRICT 3A. DAY/NIGHT. INVESTIGATION MONTAGE.
Cut to super awesome bad ass montage of DETECTIVE LOAMS and JACK
going door to door investigating the giant and perfectly uniform
fruit. Everyone they ask doesn't seem to know what they are
talking about. This montage is a full on investigation montage,
similar to that of the "Law & Order" opening credit sequence.
There are several shots of the duo asking what people know about
the case and then shots of a pad of paper with a list on it and
a hand and a pen crossing things off one by one. No one seems to
know anything. This montage also includes several shots of
DETECTIVE LOAMS and JACK going out in people's farms and looking
at their fruits (smelling it, taking a bite and shaking their
head, smelling and tasting the soil, etc.). All of their efforts
have no results. There should be no signs of hope at all from
this montage. This entire montage has no sound except for a
classical style, instrumental version of "Smooth Criminal" by
Michael Jackson done by The Munich Symphonic Sound Orchestra.
The montage should continue with DETECTIVE LOAMS and JACK
completely tired out. It is dark out now and (still in the fast
paced investigation montage style) they begin doing their own
nightly tasks (DETECTIVE LOAMS walking JACK home, DETECTIVE
LOAMS walking home, getting into his pajamas, getting into bed,
etc.). The montage ends with DETECTIVE LOAMS turning off the
lamp in his room just as the final note of the song is heard.
EXT. JACK'S HOUSE. DAY.
The next scene opens with a shot of DETECTIVE LOAMS's fist
knocking on the door of JACK's house. There is no answer so he
rings the doorbell and continues to knock.

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LOAMS
Jack?...(he knocks again as he speaks) Jack, are you
home?...(there is still no answer) Jack, it's Detective
Sherlock Loams.
There is still no answer so DETECTIVE LOAMS goes around to the
back of the house. He sees a large barn with one of the doors
cracked open. This is a suspenseful moment as he walks
cautiously towards the barn so the cinematography and score
should reflect this mood. He goes right up to the barn and
knocks on the door.
LOAMS(CONT'D)
Jack?
He walks into the barn and the camera should slowly reveal a
laboratory. This laboratory should be complete with lots of
chemistry equipment. It should look really scientific like how
any evil lab would look. The camera pans all around the room as
DETECTIVE LOAMS stands in awe at the door. He walks over to a
stack of empty boxes and he picks one up. As he turns it over he
sees the large letters "GMO". Just as those letters are revealed
we hear a slightly menacing voice and a slow clap.
JACK
Bravo. You've figured me out. But you're too late. My final
batch of giant fruit has already shipped out to the city.
You see I was telling the truth when I said that it has
always been my dream to live in the big city. Now it can be
possible. With all my giant fruit in the city, people will
eat themselves to death and one by one, houses will become
available to live in. Muah-ha-ha.
LOAMS
You'll pay for this Jack!
DETECTIVE LOAMS runs after JACK and JACK hops in his apple
powered car. Cue bad ass chase scene complete with explosions,
drifting, and several fruit carts being destroyed.
EXT. DISTRICT 3A/THE CITY. DAY. CHASE.
Finally they make their way to the city where DETECTIVE LOAMS
catches JACK. The detective is welcomed back into the police

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station with JACK in handcuffs. Everyone is cheering and
applauding as DETECTIVE LOAMS throws him into a cell.
LOAMS
Well well well Jack. It looks like you got your dream after
all: to live in the big city. What you didn't know is that
you'd be living in a jail cell. (DETECTIVE LOAMS looks at
the camera) How do you like them apples (He winks. Cue end
credits)
THE END