you crucify me

nicole allison
Frederick Sandys, Loves Shadow
(1867)

fever dreams keep me awake at night

you drain the blood out of my veins
my lips are swollen and i always find strange bruises on my legs
i do not know how to move, that's why
trying to bring you back from the boundaries of cum stained sheets and pharmacy visits
maybe make you realize you need to allow at least one good thing to happen to you
but me
i'm calling the dealer to bring me death in the form of you
i am slowly vanishing and i am aware
i feel like i have something to say but neither of us can find the words
blackened burdens make you feel beautiful so i know i have to start saying things i do not mean
now..
and pretending like i don't care..
but i still sleep in your bed when you ask me to
even when it stings
empathetic fucks are crucified
until you fall in love with your own life
play your cards right and i will never leave you
crossing the street without looking both ways
the dream of a constant fluid exchange
entertaining a beauty never meant to die

you are in love but you feel the ending in the palm of his hand

"I love our God less since his angel loved me:
This cannot be of good; and though I know not
That I do wrong, I feel a thousand fears
Which are not ominous of right.

im your favorite girl

neurosis // you said i was fucked // cum and sweat // blood stain sheets // i should have left you // to
death // despair // in your eyes // ready to die // you'll never be happy again // china white // cocaine
tears // chateau courtyards // you like being fucked in the ass // voodoo love // blue velvet veins //
smoke his cigarettes // bone marrow // marriage in death // fuckable bitches // electric shock
treatment // listening to Leonard Cohen in my bathtub // dust collected on your windowsill //
overfilled ashtrays // distorted vision // bruises on your thighs // spinal tap // white ashes // my broken
neck // depressive symphonies // miniature coffins // when you touch me softly // atrophy // "you
wear your wounds well" // playing piano on the floor // dry mouth kisses // tell me about your dream
when will you come back? // never

Joseph Lorusso (1966)

i actually looked in your eyes

and meant it

what do you say to someone when everything you say

ends up being vile
whether you try to be loving or try to maintain a
connection
i have become fragility at its worst
your words can change my mood in a matter of seconds
you're too beautiful for me
i want to give you the world
but that includes the sickness inside of me
gentle psychosis and paranoia slips inside your brain
from mine
i am a child
what i do is derived from the birth of madness
what i do is derived from the death of myself

did you know that your brain starts to lose oxygen as soon as you begin choking?
your face turned distance, eyes rolled to the back of your head
don't try to pull out your ventilator
or they will strap your hands to the plastic bed
i held your hand, untwisted your wrist
i kissed the nape of your salty hair
the feeding tube became a snake
and wrapped around our necks
we couldn't breathe
we saw the pink sunrise
then dark clouds filled your soft head
i gazed out of my window
seeing we let the time pass by
even though we knew we would fall
i felt the weight on my chest
and our broken necks danced around us
"i won't block your number because i still worry i will get a phone call saying you committed suicide
or overdosed.

keep my eyes closed

i can't blend in, in your thighs
did i take this too far ? ? ?
you've been touching me before
and i always come back for more
i'll end you too
nothings going on in the crowd
the world was blue
the world was blue
when i went
into your room
we sat on the floor
i still don't know what you're asking for
i'll close you in
your curved hips
those filled in lips
gone by morning
i'll end with you
heavens muted on the tv
and i'll run with you
and i won't stop
i couldn't stand it
the world was blue

a boy kept a revolver in his drawer. I held it in my hand and saw the guarded love in his eyes. the
boy promises broken dreams of a new life. backseat, closed mouth kisses, both hands wrapped
around my throat.
when my baby left me I knew I had to leave for bruised roses, cocaine, and the inherent vice. just to
forget his gaze. dried baby's breath laid on the lovers table, breaking apart like the neurons in my
sick little head.
I walk into the bedroom and it lingers with the scent of my perfume and our tangled aching. he slips
his sharp tongue into my mouth so I lie back in my bed of thorns. I drink him in, breathe his breath,
etch love letters in his skin. we collapse into ourselves, drenched in sinners sweat and endless
regrets. my eyes are slow like the rain, heavy like his lies, sincere like every time I said "I love you,"
like when I felt the stinging pain radiate in my fingers the first time I touched your hand.

inhaling soft skin

you engrave the words on tongues

give closed mouth kisses

i called and tried to leave a voicemail when your phone was off
but heard the silence and choked on thick air
i feel like i am drowning in you
in my nightmares i scream your name
i kept the mascara trails underneath my eyes all of this time
wore bruise colored skin not soft enough for you to touch
i didn't even bother to eat because
destroying myself feels better than letting someone destroy me
it hurts me more but i do it by accident
because i've died too many times on the other end of the trigger

Leo Putzs Vanitas

(1869-1940)

your baby has another baby

you wanna be his dream girl
and something makes him stay
your manic love draws him in
but you worry you won't fit his image of happiness
no matter how hard you kiss him in the morning
the dream is far removed

all the boys i know keep handguns next to their bed

these compliments are painful yet i still smile
i don't want to love you
and i hate guns

im looking for trouble and i decided i don't care what you think anymore. you had me, and it was
pathetic but it was true but i can't give that to you anymore. i can tell you're apathetic when you don't
kiss me as you fuck me and i try not to mind. i really wanted a cigarette but i was afraid to ask. and i
can't even play my piano on your floor anymore so why bother. each time i walk into your house, i
see my red roses, stacks of dishes, yellow mug, broken glasses turned into ashtrays i always fucking
cut myself on, the blanket and pillows i gave you to make your bed more comfortable, the towel i
gave you that you use for your shower and the towel i gave you that we used after sex. i wonder who
will sleeping in my sheets next weekend. i wonder what the girl who you cook breakfast for using
my dishes will be like. and i try not to mind. when someone only wants you when you're not there,
you try not to mind.

i still think you're lying when you say you like daniel johnston
i wrote this is my head when we got high
laughin at all the strange passerbys
//*
/// it might be weird but i like to hold your hand even in your sleep
i never have seen someone eat so much ice cream without defeat ///*

baby you really really make me wanna die

baby you really really make me wanna die
your eyes shot me down and i must say goodbye

your bedroom technique

the slowness of your eyelids
take off your clothes
you beckon to ravage everything i've ever known
what is it like for my perfume to linger on your
sheets?
my cigarette smoke to linger in the air?
my fingers to touch your lips at dawn?
i will dry your eyes if you fall apart
you can bathe in me
we can fall into place
not even god can hurt us here
"my name and my spirit are both corrupt and if you
hold me close, you better hold me up

Kleopatra (1911)

thinking about dying lately

i dont care about being in your bed anymore
i like girls with soft lips and silk panties
boys keep falling in love with the idea of me
wanna marry me
i could be your wife
but i feel hollow so i wont pick up the phone when you call
slipping away in my bath tub listening to billie holiday
take my sleeping pill and live in dreams
just don't hurt yourself baby
but i'll be loving you

i don't care about how lonely you are

but you drive me through the mountains when we get high
maybe youre too good for me..
my eyes feel hazy when you tell me im pretty
but im not your girl

i'm in love with a dying man

i'm in love lying in the sand
i'm in love and you make me mad
i drive home and it is dark
i am sitting in the cold and i send you a text
you come over and i smell your hair and it makes me lost
i kiss you in my bed, red lights and knee highs
but i carve out my thoughts of you and leave them by the wayside
to rot in the daytime
heaven is an ugly place
i would tear your insides out to find ashes and broken teeth
i keep you between my nightmares and daydreams
when you speak
i'll be soft, i'll be silent
i cannot make a sound and we are playing hide and seek
i sometimes feel relief when i see your rosebushes in my rearview

i looked for your face in every person i ever touched

i crawled into your room & lingered like candle smoke
i left my perfume at your house
so you wouldn't forget me
& when you touch me, i feel warm
& in my head i beg you to keep me safe
but you should know
your tongue is velvet on me
i won't stray since everything else looks
so fucking grey
your softer than my dreams
honey, you know you leave me dazed
& i'll always think of you
in my wet dreams
we were in love with concepts & words
in love with songs & pale blue sky
but now we have skin to touch & a pulse
to feel
look closer at my veins & listen to the
rain fall
would you die for me baby? i would die for you
& your bed will be my coffin because i am yours & yours forever
lay next to me & i will no longer suffer
i bat my eyelashes & you fill my lungs

i laid down on his couch

i was worried i would get too comfortable (i was right)
he smelled like spices and tasted like cheap whiskey
i liked the way his arms felt around me - i felt safe
we can move to a lake house
i'll plant you a garden
and dry you roses in the pages of your favorite book

i ripped you out of my dreams like i ripped out the mats in my hair i got from when you fucked me.
you're so bad but you have me coming back every time i feel weak. did you remember to wipe my
lipstick off your neck before you tasted me in her mouth? you say you only want me sometimes. you
imagine a small apartment where you & i both live. herb gardens, fresh cut flowers, chipped yellow
paint, and my library of books surrounding us. i used to imagine that but baby, you're too late. i'm
chasing others now, running from you. i loved you to death, i fell into the sea and drowned. i choked
on your silk dreams and thorned promises. i do wonder what it is like for you to love me and i know
it is not easy. at least it is real. so now you lie me down just to hate me - you wrap around my thighs
like poison ivy.

Wilhelm Gallhofs Die Koralle Halskette

(circa 1917)

you fall for everything

i like when you watch me undressing
you want to dry me out in the rain
but i still promise you all of the pain
"is there anything more than this?"
does it matter when everything is in your head?
so i sneak you inside when it's cold, into my bed
i can feel you suffering, so suffer with me
and hold my hand while we drift out to sea

take me away from here

i count all of the time that passes each day
left alone and i don't know if i can go home
i don't wanna tell anyone when i wanna die
i always call and you never call back
i still wonder why i tried so hard to waste myself in return

when i die will you still wanna kiss me

still gonna miss me
maybe try to lay down next to me

everything i love has gathered dust on book shelves

and in between the pages are the pressed flowers you gave me
the locks of hair of lost loves will stay soft forever and i layed them in coffins
boxes in the basement to haunt me a thousand lives
my mouth has no words for them
but i have so many things to say to you
you love me even when i destroy you
you lie in bed and wonder when our sheets became so tangled
without you, without drugs,
i have only cobwebs behind my eyes
but when you touch me, it is warm and it is dark
and i dream only of you

you know you feel better but you never really feel quite better
i would write you a million letters if i ever felt better
maybe i could say what i really want to say
but i still have that gloss in my eyes that i can't seem to shake
even when the nights are warm and you seem sincere
i wanna sit in the back of your pickup truck
and we'll laugh and we'll laugh and we'll laugh
and we'll never come home

do you think they want you with your lips cracked open and paper thin skin?
you are a ghost, you mean nothing, you are a shell of yourself
everything you thought you had is an empty void
self medicating only lasts so long until the high stops being great enough
do you think anyone will understand your broken mind?
you put out your hand but it is too far to reach
you're sick, you're sick, you're sick
you probably should have signed the papers and locked yourself up.

i want your ghost gone.

why haven't you asked about me?
why do you have nothing to say?
you had nothing to say when you left
and nothing to say when i told you i almost died
five years pass by with no words to end the time
so why did i think that when my time was over you'd speak the fuck up?
i am not who you thought i was
you only believe what you want to believe
and i still cannot decipher any of these memories
your slow death has become final
and i can feel happiness grow within me every single day i get further from you
if you ever read this, i hope you know that even though i fucked myself in the head, at least i wasn't
a coward. you used me and left me aside like a piece of trash and i will never know why. at least
when i fucked up, you knew why.
fuck you.

sometimes im gonna lose my mind

the water i drank tasted like your love and the needles inside of me felt like remainders of your pain.
i felt like a flame burning your body to ashes at the stake; unwarranted persecution & endless
retribution. i would have died before having the chance to tell you how beautiful you are. i still
wonder how i can carry so much weight even when i am resting my head on your shoulder, even
when i am being held tight in your arms. i still wake up from fever dreams with an empty heart.
// i will always remember your touch in mid december. soft, slow, relentless. //
my mouth is dry, my lips are bleeding lies. i used to be beautiful but i woke up in a hospital gown,
my hair matted, with nothing to offer but pathetic promises and fleeting hopes. i know i have finally
become a ghost of myself. i will poison you even when i keep you close to me. if i had died, what
flowers would you lie at my grave? would you kiss my cold, grey skin when they lay me in my
coffin? i would have drifted in and out of your mind, giving you my spectral love. i am alive but my
mind is still rotting. i just wanted to be as delicate as your daydreams.
and now i have no name.

i spit your memories out with the drugs i took to numb the fingers i still use dig
into my old wounds
i read everything you wrote about me on the internet four years ago
in spanish
in french
and it is the english i can't comprehend
i do not feel like a real person anymore
i lost my identity when i delved into those pretty lines
once i was alone, i stole everything bad i had wanted
cocaine and heroin dreams of grandeur
you had said i took all of your words
gave me homage's so only you & i knew who you were talking about
"dragonaut"
"if you're willing"
i got stuck in memories and i realized i lost who i am
who am i?
what defined me before i became sick?
i remember being happy, i must've been happy once
do you remember?

you said you carried me. i carried you. an equal exchange albeit an unfortunate one. are you dead
like me?

Lucian Freuds Naked Portrait (1972-3)

i only like the pretty boys

the ones with strong hands
the ones that could murder a man
i am your sweetest kill

in the dark i felt your hand and pulled your hips closer to mine and thought about your desires and if
they were meant to be rooted in me and me only and if you were better off without me because many
others have been better off as i am not such a good person i am not a good person but i could be
good for you my heart was deeply pulsing in the throes of loss and wanting sick and twisted with
vulnerability i never know if my love is real and i always believe the new boy is the right boy and all
other loves have never existed but they did and they were different but i still have the traditional idea
of one true romance and i want to be that for someone more than i want the taste of cocaine running
down my throat i only want to want to taste your cum down my throat one day one day it will be and
i will make it happen and i don't know what to believe but i know i just want to be loved and i want
to love someone more than i love drugs you can be my k hole and i will never leave unless you ask
me to i am an angel you are my muse i find you charming so i tell you you're pretty when your eyes
get a little hazy
i don't remember the way his hands felt on my body and i am glad

you keep the bones of your ex girlfriends buried in your backyard

you sing them lullabies every night
underneath the moonlight

pick me up and take me back to your room.

I want to taste like you taste.
I want to smell like you smell.
I want to be tied to you and never leave.
I carved your name into my heart and we both know my blood is running thin.
I won't stop until I know you're gone.

i won't let anything own me & i will live for everything i find beautiful
and you are, you are, you are, you are, you are.