TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2016 | Year MMXVI | Number 9.ELECTION | PRICE: ONE JEB!

GUAC BOWL
INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN IN SHOCKER! Weekend At
Bernie Sanders
Dozens Vermont Crib

Excited by Student Council

Tim President: I AM the
Senate!
Kaine Rally
In KAC Hillary Loses Tim
Kaine at Ganter
by TRIPPI BRIZARD
Democrats

G
ambierWith Abandon New Side
nothing better to Base, Court Old Side
do, Senator Tim
Kaine, the Democratic vice
Swing Voters
presidential nominee, made a
campaign stop on Thursday, In Nailbiter, Gore
October 27th at Kenyon Co - Wins Florida
llege. Preaching to the choir,
Kaine addressed a room of
800 balls-to-the-wall Hillary Neoliberal Rage Vol-
supporters. With nearly a cano Explodes Over
thousand people in attendan - Collegians Crediblity
ce, we are unbelievably proud
to have aroused the spirit of
over twelve students, said
Mandy Cusice, a campaign
COLLEGIATE
advisor. Kaine was greeted
by a whimper of forced claps
STAFF
Jeb Bush . . . . Ord Dimmesdale
and obligatory cheers, ma - Bernie Sanders . .Miguel ngel Kill
king his Gambier stop one of Ben Carson . . . . . Rotten Waspman
the most enthusiastic of the Michelle Obama....theForbiddenMan
campaign. Cusice went on, Mike Huckabee . . . . . . Scooter
Some students were so ex - Deez Nuts . . . . Squeeps Mcqueeps
Marco Rubio .. Floyd Culkin
cited by the presence of Se -
Jill Stein. . . Spaghetti Johnson
nator Kaine that they raised
Gary Johnson Sexmoney Cooldige-
a sheet in his honor. John Kasich . . Myles Teddywedgers
Lincoln Chafee. . . Salacious B. Crumb
Sweet Meteor of Death . . . . . Phil Tippett

Tim Kaine Makes A Dire Election More Bearable For All Karl Marx . . . . . . . [REDACTED]
C a r l F i o
President Barack Obama . . . . . . .
r i n a

successful. grass shenanigans, said producer Grizzly . . . . . . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis

by SQUEEPS MCQUEEPS
You know how the first movie was Adamson. Then you got the liberals and,
Sponsors . . . . . . . Lard Lad, Duff Gar-
about a bear kid raised in a human family, well, theyll do anything to make Kaine in-
GAMBIER, OH With nothing dens, Krusty Burger, The Springfield Nu-
said director Beartholomew Berenstein. teresting. We cant lose. clear Power Plant, Oui Monsieur Cloth-
better In a shocking turn of events Tim
Well this one is about a human kid raised Kaine discovered hed gotten the part whi- ing for Boys, Legitimate Businessmens
Kaine has announced he will be taking a
in a bear family. Kaine, well, he just fit. le reading his daily printed emails while Social Club, The Leftorium, Barneys
brief hiatus from the Presidential election
Besides Kaines humble bear origins, enjoying a cup of joe on the Rodhammobi- Bowlorama, Girdles N Such, Luigis,
to star in Country Bears 2, the sequel to Expensive Bros. Jewelry, Costingtons,
Berenstein cited the VP hopefuls skills at le. Sources reported hearing a charmingly
2002s bear-based country musical The I Cant Believe Its a Law Firm!, Com-
the harmonica and general folksiness as re- rustic yippee accompanied by a clicking
Country Bears. Kaine has announced that, pu-Global-Hyper-Mega-Net
asons he felt Kaine was perfect for the role. of heels and a burst of enthusiastic ham-
while this will in no way impede his ability
Disney said focus groups reactions boning. Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .
to carry out his duties as Vice President
have been overwhelmingly positive. I cant believe this is is happening, said Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicho-
of the United States of America, he will
On one hand you got the conserva- the excited Senator. I really think its just las Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of
be asking for a short vacation from the Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
tives, who are always fans of ursine blue- the bees knees. Totally super.
Hillster if his campaign is ultimately
2 THE COLLEGIATE, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2016
NEWS
OP-ED: The Hillary
Campaign is
following me, Help
by SEXMONEY COOLIDGE
It started out so innocently. You go and
you register to vote at Peirce partially because
your one friend whos a Political Science ma-
jor wont shut the fuck up about it, but mostly
because Leonardo DiCaprio sounded so sad
on TV when he found out I wasnt registered.
And then Kenyon for Hillary asks you if you
want to put down your email and phone num-
ber, just to really show that youll vote for Hi-
llary. Well of course. And I thought that was
the end of it.
Then came the phone calls. Every week, I
would get a call asking me to volunteer during
lunch or dinner for the campaign. Should we
pencil you in for next Thursday during din-
ner?
No, Id say, because Im a busy bee, I
think Im gonna be busy all this week in fact.
A pause. Heavy breathing on the other end. I
add especially Thursday, to be sure, confi-
dent that Ive pulled quite the fast one over
them.
Thats not true. Next Thursday you have
just enough time to work dinner before your
Anime Club meeting starts. But that was im-
possible, how could they have known?
Look Im really not interested in-
I would certainly volunteer soon. Or
things could get very...unfortunate, for you.
Thats how they started. Now, I just get
these calls in the middle of the night and when
I answer, all I hear on the other end is a low
demonic chant: OH. HILL. YES.
Then I started seeing them everywhe-
re. First on Middle Path, stopping me to ask
me if I had found time around the Kink Club
to start working the campaign. But then, I
ran into them in more personal places. My
spot at the library, my favorite alley behind
the market, in the middle of my shower. When
I ran out, the bathroom mirror was smeared
with blood, reading Are You With Her?
It got so bad I tried to stay in my room
until the election passed. Shadows of Hillary
campaigners ran across my window. People
would knock on my door in the middle of the
night. Blood intermixed with campaign but-
tons dripped in under my door. Until finally
student campaign leader Jerry Mander burst
from my closet door, approached my bed and
asked, Are you with her? Im with her. Were
all with her. The campaigners broke through
my windows and door, staggering toward me
all with the same chant I heard over the pho-
ne, their eyes entirely black. Join us, they
said in one voice. We are Stronger Together.
Luckily I was able to get away.
The sounds of Bills sax echo like a
Jumanji beat to the pounding of my heart.
Help Me.
the kenyon collegiate - WANT TO JOin? emaiL collegiate@kenyon.edu!
Election just another
chance for students to
feel above local voters
By PHIL TIPPIT
A
s election day is fast ap-
proaching, students of all
backgrounds have come
together on campus to advocate
for politicians they believe in, dis-
playing their perceived superiority
and intelligence to the surrounding
community. I just find it so ho-
rrifying that anyone could support
Trump, said Kenyon Democrats
member Listy Headwater 18, igno-
ring the complex amalgam of life
experiences, cultural norms, and
everyday insecurities that inform
political beliefs and social ideolo-
gies.
Theyve got to be stupid, sexist
and uneducated, Headwater said.
Thank god I grew up in a progressi- students to show
ve family who gave me the financial
mobility to rebel against traditional
gender roles and attend private high
school and college. Also, whats with
the hair? Why doesnt Trump just go
to Drybar?
Other students agree that its
hard to imagine why anyone would
support Trump. Sometimes people
say that Hillary is just another po-
litician, while Trump tells it like it
is. Why would you want a politician
like that if hes unprepared? asked
Hillary Clinton loses Northface, Tim Kaine at Ganter
By MIGUEL ANGEL KILL
Waking up after a long night, De-
mocratic Presidential Nominee Hillary
Clinton discovered that she had lost
her running mate, Tim Kaine, at the
Ganter the night before. After having
trekked it all the way from Old K, whe-
re Clinton had spent the early evening
playing beer bong in the West Wing,
the hopeful-president to be ending up
spending half the evening looking for
Tim Kaine among the coats on the cou-
ches.
I literally just put him down
here, Clinton was heard to mutter as
she shoveled through North Face after
North Face after Patagonia jacket.
Close aides to Clinton helped
her search among the coat racks, but
they searched to no end as Tim Kaine
was could not be found. Attenders at
the party reported seeing Tim Kaine ta-
king selfies outside, but searchers were
disappointed to find only Lance Bass.
After a fruitless effort, the frustrated
senator was seen trying to get a beer
by going to the side and catching the
bartenders eye.
Student Life
Clinton touts Animorph
origins, magic, taste in flies
Herm Warbuck
19, whose pa-
rents have been
invited to natio-
nal democratic
meetings and fe-
els close enough
to the system to
believe its wor-
king for him.
Besides, Clin-
ton is so relata-
ble! Or at least
thats what my
aunt said when
she met her net-
working.
This election
is a chance for us
what we believe
in, says Head-
water, similar
to students ro-
manticizing of
the rural life
while judging
the rural poor, ironically shopping at Chipotle like the plague.
Wall-Mart while theoretically sup- Im so glad we all have mostly
porting minimum wage increases, the same background and can thus
and advocating for an intellectual come together to advocate for
sense of community while avoiding change, when most of us would still
every part of Mount Vernon besides be fine no matter what happened.
It was not before long Senator work.
Clinton had completely forgotten all However, the night was cut
about Tim Kaine, having danced with short when two Campus Safety officers
First Lady Michelle Obama and Chief approached Hillary Clinton, asking to
Warlock Witchwarp the Mystic for too see her K-Card.
long. Clinton proceeded to spend the Oh...I dont go here, Clinton
rest of the evening outside talking with was heard mumbling, but things only
Bill, before stomping off to spend the got worse for the thirty-year public ser-
rest of the night with her friends. vant as she couldnt find her friend who
Clinton spent the next hour she was staying with, even though she
unwinding because, as she kept telling had been here only a moment before.
the people around her, shed had a I know she lives in Anna,
hard week, and was just, like, so glad Clinton argued, there or Skynrd.
it was the weekend. In an attempt to Hillary Clinton was then es-
garner more of the youth vote, Clinton corted out of the Ganter by Campus Sa-
was seen going around the dancefloor fety. A look of terrible comprehension
telling Kenyon students that now not seen since the presidential debates
more than ever its important for you dawned across Senator Clintons face,
to get out andwoah! Hey you just frightening several freshman standing
spilled beer on me. No, no, its fine, you by the door.
dont have to get anything. Its okay, Grab Tim! Michelle! Clinton
HA HA HA, these things happen. shouted back through the door into the
It was really great meeting party, Dont forget Tim Kaine! War-
Hillary Clinton, Phelonius Grumpkin lock! Use one of my points if you have
20 told the Collegiate, but she spent to! Use it! Hes somewhere over there!
a lot of time going through those coats! I hung him up.
Ive never seen someone dig so hard. Students reported seeing
Clinton was also seen loudly Clinton later making the long walk
whispering to Whitchwarp, this better back South.
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