Quit Being a Pushover: How to Be

Assertive
by Brett & Kate McKay on February 12, 2013 121 comments

in A Man's Life, Personal Development

Your boss consistently asks you at the last minute to come into work on the
weekend. You say yes every time even though you have family plans. You
stew with resentment as you pore over TPS reports on a Saturday.

You order an expensive steak at a restaurant, but when the waiter brings it to
you its way over-cooked. When he asks, How is everything? you respond,
Fine, while you glumly saw your charred hunk of meat.

You want to take a jiu-jitsu class, but you dont think your wife will be too
happy with you spending an hour or two every week away from your family, so
dont you even mention the idea to her.

Your neighbor lets his dogs bark all night, and its keeping you from sleep.
Instead of talking to him about it, you bad-mouth him to your friends on
Facebook.

If any of these situations hits close to home, then youre likely one of the legions of men who
suffer from Nice Guy Syndrome a set of personality, attitude, and behavioral traits
described by Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Nice Guys take a passive approach to life and relationships. Instead of standing up for
themselves, they let others walk all over them. Theyre pushovers and perennial People
Pleasers. Nice Guys have a hard time saying no to requests even unreasonable ones.
Theyre considerate to a fault. When they want or need something, theyre afraid to ask for it
because they dont want to inconvenience others. Nice Guys also avoid conflict like the
plague. Theyd rather get along than get ahead.

At first blush, Nice Guys seem like saints. They appear generous, flexible, and extremely
polite. But if you scratch beneath the surface, youll often find a helpless, anxious, and
resentful core. Nice Guys are often filled with anxiety because their self-worth depends on
the approval of others and getting everyone to like them. They waste a lot of time trying to
figure out how to say no to people and even then, often end up still saying yes, because they
cant go through with it. They dont feel they can go after their true desires, because theyre
locked into doing what others say they should do. Because go with the flow is their default
approach to life, Nice Guys have little control over their lives and consequently feel helpless,
shiftless, and stuck. Theyre also typically resentful and vindictive because their unspoken
needs arent being met and they feel like others are always taking advantage of them even
though theyre the ones who allow it to happen.

In worst-case scenarios, the Nice Guys pent-up resentment from being pushed around will
result in unexpected outbursts of anger and violence. Hes a volcano waiting to erupt.
So whats a Nice Guy to do? How can he regain some control over his life and quit being
such a pushover?

Some Nice Guys think the solution is to swing to the other extreme and go from being
passive to aggressive. Instead of meekly submitting, they feel like they have to dominate in
every situation. They seek to get their way in everything, no matter what.

Aggressiveness, while definitely appropriate in some instances, particularly those involving

out-and-out competition, isnt a very productive communication or behavior style in most
cases. In fact, using a persistent, aggressive communication style can often backfire by
creating resentment and passive-aggressive behavior in the very people youre trying to
control.

Instead of passivity and aggressiveness, the best approach lies somewhere between the two.
The sweet spot for communication and behavior is called assertiveness.

Assertiveness: The Golden Mean Between Passivity and Aggression

You might associate the term assertiveness with training courses that women take to learn
to be more confident in traditionally masculine workplaces.

But in the past few decades, as men have been taught to smooth over their rough edges to
be less pushy, more sensitive, and more collaborative a lot of guys have gotten confused
as to where to draw the line between aggression and passivity. Anxious to not come off as
overbearing, and even sexist, they tend to err on the side of the latter. Theyve lost the ability
to navigate between those two rocky shoals, and as a result, many men need to learn, or re-
learn, how to be assertive.

So what does it mean to be assertive?

In a nutshell, assertiveness is an interpersonal skill in which you demonstrate healthy

confidence and are able to stand up for yourself and your rights, while respecting the rights of
others.

When youre assertive, you are direct and honest with people. You dont beat around the
bush or expect people to read your mind about what you want. If something is bothering you,
you speak up; if you want or need something, you ask. You do all this while maintaining a
calm and civil demeanor.

Assertiveness also requires an understanding that while you can make a request or state an
opinion, others are well within their right to say no or disagree. You dont get upset or angry
when that happens. You stay in control and work to come to some sort of compromise. When
youre assertive, you understand that you might not get what you want. Youll learn,
however, that it not only doesnt hurt to ask, but actually helps to ask as well:

The Benefits of Assertiveness

Your relationships will improve. Researchers who study marriage and relationships have
found that assertiveness is one of the key attributes that both partners need in order for a
relationship to be strong and healthy. If one person feels they arent getting their needs met,
resentment for their partner ensues (even if its the persons fault for not letting their needs to
be known).

Youll feel less stressed. Studies have shown that individuals who
undergo assertiveness training experience less stress than individuals who dont. When
youre assertive, you say no to requests that would otherwise spread you too thin. You also
lose the anxiety and worry that comes with being overly pre-occupied with what others will
think of your choices/preferences/requests/opinions. You feel in control of your life.

Youll gain confidence. When youre assertive, you have an internal locus of control. Your
attitude and behavior are governed by your own actions or decisions, not the actions and
decisions of others. Knowing that you can make changes to improve your own situation is a
big-time confidence booster.

Youll become less resentful. As you become more assertive, your relationships will become
more enjoyable. Youll no longer have to swallow the bitter pill of resentment when you say
yes to a request or decide to do a favor for someone. When you do something, you do it
because you actually want to do it, or youre okay with doing it as part of the natural give and
take of relationships.

How to Be More Assertive

Creating the Assertive Mindset

In my experience, becoming more assertive first requires you to change your mindset. You
need to get rid of any limiting or incorrect beliefs that are holding you back from being
assertive. Here are a few suggestions to get your mindset in the right place.

Set boundaries. The first step in becoming less of a pushover is establishing boundaries.
Boundaries are rules and limits that a man creates for himself that guide and direct others as
to whats permissible behavior around him. Passive men typically have no boundaries and
allow others to walk all over them.

Mens counselor and author Wayne Levine calls boundaries N.U.Ts, or Non-negotiable,
Unalterable Terms. Your N.U.Ts are the things youre committed to: your family, your
health, your faith, your hobbies, your psychological well-being, etc. According to Levine,
N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define you as man, those things which, if repeatedly
compromised, will graduallybut assuredlyturn you into a pissed-off, resentful man.

If you dont know what your N.U.Ts are, take some time to figure it out. Once you do, make
a commitment from here on out that youll never compromise them.

Take responsibility for your own problems. Nice Guys wait around for someone else to fix
their problems. An assertive man understands that his problems are his responsibility. If you
see something that needs changing in your life, take action. If youre not happy with
something in your life, start taking steps however small to change things.

Dont expect people to read your mind. Nice Guys expect others to recognize what they
need and want without having to say a word. Until a mass mutation occurs that allows
telepathy or our brains become connected to the Borg, mind reading isnt possible for the
foreseeable future. If you want something, say it; if something bothers you, speak up. Never
assume that people know your every need or want. Its not as obvious as you may think.

Understand youre not in charge of how others feel or behave. Both passive and
aggressive men share a similar problem: they both think theyre in charge of how others feel
or behave they just go about it differently.

An aggressive man assumes responsibility of others behavior and emotions by exerting his
will through physical, mental, and emotional force.

A passive man assumes responsibility of others behavior by constantly submitting his will to
the will of others. Passive men feel its their job to make sure everyone is happy, even if that
means they themselves are miserable.

An assertive man recognizes that its not his job to control or worry about others behavior
and that hes only responsible for how he behaves and feels. You wont believe how much
less stress and anxiety youll feel once you understand this. Youll no longer spend wasted
hours wringing your hands worrying about whether someone will be happy with your choice
or opinion.

This isnt to say that you should be an inconsiderate jerk and shouldnt take into account the
feelings/situations of others. It just means you dont need to go overboard and be so overly
considerate that you dont make any requests or stand up for your values lest you upset or
offend someone. Let them decide whether to be upset or offended. Thats their responsibility,
not yours.

You are responsible for the consequences of your assertive words/actions. Asserting
yourself will likely ruffle feathers, and there might be unpleasant consequences. But part of
being assertive is taking responsibility for those consequences, come what may. Dealing with
those consequences is far better than dealing with those of living an anxious, thwarted life.

Assertiveness takes time. Dont think youll magically become assertive simply by reading
this article. Assertiveness takes time and practice. Youll have good days and bad days. Just
be persistent with your efforts; it will pay off.

Assertiveness in Action

Once you have the mindset, heres how to actually start being assertive.

Start small. If the thought of standing up for yourself makes you downright nauseous, start
with low-risk situations. For example, if you order a burger, and the waiter brings you a
grilled cheese, let him know the mistake and send it back. If youre out running errands on
the weekend with your wife and are trying to decide on a place to eat, dont just automatically
defer, but chime in as to where youd like to go.

Once you feel comfortable in these low-risk situations, start upping the ante little by little.

Say no. In your quest to become more assertive, no is your best friend. Start saying no
more often. Does a request conflict with a personal boundary? Say no. Schedule already full?
Diga, No, gracias. You dont have to be a jerk when you do it. Its possible to be firm and
resolute with your no while being considerate. At first, saying no may make you very
anxious, but eventually it will come to feel good, and actually quite freeing.

Will some people be disappointed when you turn them down? Probably. But remember that
as long as you express your needs in a considerate way, youre not responsible for their
reaction. No need to feel guilty for treating yourself like their equal.

Be simple and direct. When youre asserting yourself, less is more. Keep your requests and
preferences simple and direct. No need for elaborate explanations (see below) or meandering
wind-ups. Just politely say your piece.

Use I statements. When making a request or expressing disapproval use I statements.

Instead of saying, Youre so inconsiderate. You have no idea how hard my day at the office
was. Why would you ask me to do all these chores? say, Im exhausted today. I understand
you want these things done, but Im not going to be able to get to them until tomorrow.
Other examples of I statements:

Youre so needy and controlling. I feel frustrated when you make me feel guilty
for hanging out with my friends.
You always humiliate me when we visit your parents. I feel embarrassed when you
insult me in front of your folks.
Your demands are unreasonable! Id prefer that you give me at least three days
notice before asking me to come in on the weekend.

When crafting your I statements, be careful not to embed accusations or try to interpret the
persons behavior. That will just make them defensive and cause them to shut down.
Examples:

I feel like youre purposely being a jagweed just to get on my nerves.

I think youre trying to pick a fight.

Dont apologize or feel guilty for expressing a need/want/right. Unless youre asking for
something thats patently unreasonable, theres no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for
expressing a need or want. So quit apologizing when you make a request. Just politely ask for
it and wait to see how the other person responds.

Nice Guys will feel guilty even when expressing dissatisfaction with something theyre
paying for! If a contractor hasnt done the work he agreed to do, its your right to ask that it
be fixed. It has nothing to do with being polite or not hurting his feelings its just business
and thats how it works.

Use confident body language and tone. Look confident when making a request or stating a
preference. Stand up straight, lean in a bit, smile or keep a neutral facial expression, and look
the person in the eye. Also be sure to speak clearly and loudly enough to make your point.
Passive folks will tend to whisper and mumble when making their opinions or needs known;
that will only serve to frustrate the other person.

You dont have to justify/explain your opinion/choices. When you make a decision or state
an opinion that others dont agree with, one way in which theyll try to exert control over you
is to demand that you offer a justification for your choice/opinion/behavior. If you cant come
up with a good enough reason (in the other persons eyes) youre supposed to go along with
what they want.

Nice Guys with their need to please feel obligated to give an explanation or
justification for every. single. choice they make, even if the other person isnt asking for it.
They want to make sure that everyone is okay with their choices essentially asking for
permission to live their life the way they want. Dont operate like that.

Rehearse. Play out the scenario in which you plan to assert yourself. Sure, its goofy, but
practice what and how youll say in front of a mirror. It helps.

Be persistent. Youll sometimes face situations when people will shoot you down the first
time you make a request. Dont just throw up your hands and say, Oh well, theres nothing I
can do about it. At least I tried. Sometimes to be treated fairly, youve got to be persistent.
Remain cool, calm, and collected during this process. For example, if you call customer
service and they wont help you with your problem, ask if you can talk to their manager. Or if
you get bumped off a flight, keep asking about other options, like getting transferred to
another airline, so you can make it to your destination on time.

Be wary of the advice you find in some books on assertiveness that suggest you keep asking
the same thing over and over and over again until the person relents and gives you what you
want. Thats not being persistent, thats being a pest.

Stay cool. If someone disagrees or expresses disapproval of your choice/opinion/request,

dont get angry or defensive. Either give a constructive response or decide not to engage with
the person any further.

Pick your battles. A common mistake many people make who are on the path to being more
assertive is to try to be assertive all the time. Assertiveness is situational and contextual.
There may be cases when being assertive wont get you anywhere and taking a more
aggressive or passive stance is the better option.

How do you know when you should or shouldnt assert yourself? Youll need to figure that
out through practice and exercising some practical wisdom.

Dr. Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons, authors of Your Perfect Right, provide a few
questions to consider before choosing to be assertive:

How much does it matter to you?

Are you looking for a specific outcome or just to express yourself?
Are you looking for a positive outcome? Might asserting yourself make things worse?
Will you kick yourself if you dont take action?
What are the probable consequences and realistic risks from your possible assertion?

How to Deal With People Who Are Used to Mr. Doormat

If youve been a pushover for most of your life, the people around you will likely resist your
efforts to become more assertive. Theyre used to you being a doormat and are comfortable
with a relationship dynamic that has you in the passive role. Dont get angry or frustrated if
your family, friends, and co-workers question or even try to thwart your new assertive
approach to life. Thats a completely normal response. Just remember that while the short-
term kerfuffles that come with being assertive may be annoying and awkward, you and those
around you will be better off in the long-run.

Conclusion

At times, you certainly do need to suck up your feelings and just do it. Perhaps its doing the
dishes, mowing the lawn, or even finishing that TPS report. However, learning to voice your
opinions, and more importantly, respect the validity of those opinions and wants, will serve to
make you a more confident man. The result of an assertive action may be getting exactly
what you want, or a compromise, or a rejection, but regardless of the outcome, it will lead to
you feeling more in control of your life. Start small, learn how to state your wishes, and make
assertiveness a part of who you are.

We can all think of the people around us who we know to be assertive. With a little bit of
practice and training, you can be that man that people think of and look to when they need
something taken care of.

What keeps you from being assertive? Share with us in the comments the steps youll take
this week to make it a part of your life.